Duncan Trussell Family Hour - Alexi Wasser

Episode Date: November 27, 2017

Holy smokes!  Here's an intense episode with Alexi Wasser who you might know from her legendary INSTA STORIES, her blawg imboycrazy.com, her podcast Love Alexi or even her appearance in CABIN FEVER 2 

Ghost Towns, Dirty Angel, out now. I'm dirty a little angel. You can get Dirty Angel anywhere you get your music. Ghost Towns, Dirty Angel, out now. New album and tour date coming this summer. The following award-winning episode of the DTFH is brought to you by Squarespace.com. Tired of that coyote-headed man who comes to you

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Before we dive into the meat of this episode, I just wanna say thank you to the National Podcasters Association of America for giving this episode over 25 podcasting awards, including the Golden Lion and the Fancy Gentleman Award. I will forever be honored and I hope to produce more episodes that you enjoy. I couldn't have done it without the listeners.

Thank you. The Golden Lion and the Fancy Gentleman Award Greetings, friends. Just to answer some accusations I've been getting, no, the series of bleeps that you just heard is not a CIA mind control beam created by DARPA. Just a series of bloops. I do not get paid by the Defense Department

to put those bloops inside my podcast to activate certain agents out there to begin Project Shepherd's Gunt. Begin Project Shepherd's Gunt. All right, here we go, guys. It's time for Mailbag, where I read and respond to emails from the listeners. Mailbag.

Dear Duncan, Kyle and Boston, just writing to ask if the series of bleeps and bloops you've been playing at the beginning of this episode are actually a DARPA mind control beam. Can you let me know? Thanks so much, Kyle and Boston. Dear Kyle, the answer to your question is no, and I want you to turn the volume up

on your listening device so that you can understand that this, and I'm just gonna play it one more time so everybody can be very clear on the sound that I'm talking about. The following sound is most certainly not a government mind control audio beam. It's just a regular series of bleeps and bloops.

I do not work for the CIA. I do not get paid by the Defense Department. That sound is just filler that I decided to throw in to the beginning of this podcast. It is most definitely not activating Agent 49637. Mailbag. All right, friends, we have a truly scintillating episode

of the DTFH right around the corner. We're gonna jump right into it, but first, some quick business. This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by the noble alchemists of the internet over at Squarespace.com. Thanks to Squarespace, you no longer have to worry about getting

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and sign up, dive in, experience the sonic healing rate. Let the eagle of time fly into your dreams. This can only happen if you subscribe to the DTFH over at patreon.com. Another great way to support this podcast is to go through our Amazon link which is located at dunkintrussell.com. Whenever you do that, anything that you buy on Amazon,

they'll give us a very small percentage of. And as you know, if you follow me on Instagram and follow my Insta stories, which I've started doing since I've become friends with Alexi, that I've become obsessed, deeply embarrassingly obsessed with modular synthesizers. And sometimes I stream myself tinkering with these beautiful alien devices.

If you wanna really freak out your life, then go to amazon.com and order anything from MakeNoise which is this insane company in Asheville that produces these modular synths. Start with the zero coast. You won't understand it. It is like having some kind of alien technology but something about the sweet bleeps and zings and zoops

that the sounds these things make is so soothing. Just go through the Amazon link first, won't you? Anything you order when you go through that link, we get a small percentage of. It costs you nothing. Thank you to those of you who continue to use that link. And finally, we have a shop located at dunkintrussell.com with t-shirts, posters, and stickers.

Tomorrow morning, I'm headed to Maui to attend the 10th annual Ram Dass Open Your Heart and Paradise Retreat where I'm lucky enough to get to do podcasts with some of the teachers there. If you weren't able to make it to the retreat this year and I'm not about to see you in a few days, then you can actually stream the retreat. I'm gonna have the link to that

in the comments section at dunkintrussell.com. This is gonna start next Wednesday. So if you wanna watch the retreat from home, watch some of the live podcasts I'm gonna be doing with Raghu Marcus, hopefully Jack Cornfield. I don't know who else. Then check out the link at dunkintrussell.com. Sign up and you can have access online to the entire retreat.

Holy smokes, pals. I am smitten with today's guest. She's got a wonderful podcast on the Nerdist Network called Love Alexi, an amazing blog called I'mboycrazy.com. She creates some of the funniest Insta stories I've ever seen. She's been in cabin fever too, produced, directed, and starred in her own

awesome short film, Love Alexi. And now she's here with us today. So everybody please enhance your chakras and send a glowing spray of rainbow light through the astral plane to shower down upon our noble, esteemed, and glorious guest, Alexi Wasser. Welcome, welcome on you. As you are with us.

Shake hands, no need to be blue. Welcome to you. It's the dunkintrussell thing. It's the dunkintrussell thing. It's the dunkintrussell thing. It's the dunkintrussell thing. Is it really working now? Yeah.

Oh my God. Oh, it's happening now? Yes. My God. It's the dunkintrussell thing. Yes. My God. It's like we're having sex.

It looks like it's like... How is it like we're having sex? Because it's like both of us joined up on a thing and it's all... Oh, like two sound waves. Alexi, welcome. Do you mind counting to ten for us? Yeah.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Is it working? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Okay. Is it working? Nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Welcome to the dunkintrussell family hour podcast. Thank you so much for coming here on Thanksgiving.

What an honor. Oh my God. Are we doing it? Yeah, we're doing it. Does this count as a date? I mean, yeah. I guess this is a form of date. Oh, whatever.

You don't have to say that. Don't just say that. Do you think it is? We've already been on dates. This is none of my business. You're just out of relationship. I'm not trying to put you in a corner. I was just being...

I was flirting with you. It was a light flirt. Yeah. We can't... So what is... I thought that... If you want this to be a date, it'll be a date. No.

Here's what's funny. Here's what's super funny. Are we podcasting now? Yes. Okay. We've both been hanging out now for... A little bit. A few days.

A few days. A few hours. But you have a podcast where you're like... And also not only a podcast, you've... An empire. It's an empire. It's something of an empire. I mean, you have been...

For years, you've been building this thing. You have this amazing... So this is not a date? What are you saying? What? I'm sorry. I mean, that's the problem, isn't it? It's like, I don't know what it would be.

If it's a date, it's a really... I mean, it's a weird date, I guess. Like a... Go on a podcast date. It sounds like some... That's all I do. That is my whole MO of my podcast. I only...

All the men on there are just men. I'm trying to... That's actually not true. Hook up with? No, that's actually not true. People... Do you feel like that's going to mess you up in the future that you said this... No.

Nobody listens to this, right? What are your numbers? Nobody's... People aren't going to hear this, right? Come on. I'm just kidding. Do you feel... Do you...

Do you feel like there's something unethical about that? Like, booking someone? No, I don't do that. I was just fucking around, but... Can we... I don't think you're fucking around. No, but I've had boyfriends who have accused me. They're like, have you fucked every single podcast, you know, guy, guest you've ever

had? But you do. You did tell me that you book... That you have booked people on the podcast that you... I was joking. No, I don't think you were. Were you? Yeah, you sound like my jealous ex.

How dare you? I don't feel... Can we start this podcast, please? All right, here we go. No, this is still happening. I'm not saying... The problem is though, your level is like too high. Hold on.

Oh, because I'm a shrieker. No, keep talking. Hello? I'm shrieking. I'm feeling like, oh my God, no way. I can't believe it. All right, here we go. Oh my God, we're starting again.

Yeah, we're starting again. Oh my God, that was good stuff. Do you think that was good stuff? I love it. You're so... I'll tell you, when I watch your Instagram stories and I watch them every single time, immediately one goes up, I have an alert on my phone. I know.

They... I would ask if you were jerking off, but then the whole Louis C.K. thing when he was jerking off on the phone with girls and they didn't know it, which is something like... I mean, if it gets to a point where jerking off to Instagram stories is a crime, then I guess 80% of the population of the planet will be in jail. Anyway, what were you going to ask me? Oh my God. Happy Thanksgiving, you guys.

Remember, it was good. I can't wait to start this podcast. So, no, I think you do... You have... If we had a pie chart that showed the men who've been on your podcast. Oh my God, Duncan. No. And here, let me just say this really quick.

That's a joke. I have not... But what... There is a percentage. Hold on. Let me just say this, because I don't want you to turn into some monster that I'm no longer dating. I had an ex-boyfriend who accused me, he was like, if you fucked every single guy who's

ever been on your podcast. And I was like, no. And it's like, I've known you for three days. Why are you talking to me like this? That's none of your business. And then I internalize it so intensely because my blog, my podcast, everything I've ever done in my entire life has kind of ruined my... Any chances of having a good relationship that I internalized that guy saying that about

my podcast, my male podcast guest. And I asked my podcast producer, Aristotle, he's not listening, but I asked him. I was like, have I slept with all of my male guests? And we went through all the male guests and I had slept with like three of them who were like... People I was dating at the time. How many male guests have you had? Three.

I'm kidding. Can you turn your phone off? God damn it. There's one of them now. Oh my God. You're not even flipping your phone over. I make my guests flip their phone over because I have like a, you know, a screen is like a beacon.

Okay. So three. So what? I mean, I don't know. That's like less than 4%. Anyway. What do you want to ask me? You slept with less than 4% of your guests.

So that's like, that's fine. So what if it was even more? What's the big deal? I don't know. What is the big deal? You're the one making a big deal. I think it's, I don't think it's a big deal at all. I just think that...

So this is not a date? What? This is not a date then. Cause we're already fighting. Do you want this to be a date? No. I'm just excited to be spending happy, like Thanksgiving with you. It's cozy.

And you look so handsome. Thank you. Yeah. You look very, very beautiful. You guys can't see. He's wearing plaid, a button down plaid shirt, but it's not button. It's open to reveal his, his, uh, Heather knows dark, dark gray, not quite black, uh, crew neck T-shirt, effortlessly chic, 50 cotton, 50 poly probably he's got a hair cut, he trimmed

his beard cause I think I suggested it like a week ago. Um, yeah. That stream of consciousness thing that you just did, that's kind of what you do. And it's really funny and you do it on these Insta stories. It's amazing. It's an amazing thing. It's like you're doing, this is when we started communicating and then I was like looking you up on the internet and then I started, then I got pulled into your Insta stories and I'm

watching what you're doing. It's fucking funny. And it's weird because when you say Insta stories, it immediately takes away from any special thing. Absolutely. Cause it's, cause it's, it's like the medium itself is in a lot of people's eyes corrupt. Why? I think because Instagram has been just decried as this kind of like embarrassing, even though

everyone's doing it and, but it's still people see it as a kind of like, you know, I have friends who make fun of it. Oh, Instagram. Oh, you're on Instagram. Even the name sounds bad. Instagram. Instagram. That's their problem.

Insta stories. Got it. It doesn't sound cool. Oh. You know what I mean? It's not like what it really is. It's like you're, it's a, it's film and you're doing these really quick vignettes. So if you were saying, Oh, you know, I shoot these little vignettes of my life, these kind

of like biopic comedic vignettes of my life and I show them at cinemas where we drink absinthe and it's like a, it's a, it's a post-modern commentary on existence in them or whatever. I do. That's your only thing. That's why you see yourself in me. And that's why we're here right now. We have a lot of similarities I think in the, and I think in that we share a certain aesthetic,

which is this idea of attempting to sort of fearlessly announce what's happening to us or something like this feeling of wanting to be really honest, but then also hopefully funny inside of that too. Like not, not just like embarrassingly confessional. Yeah. Well, that's like, we'll have two things. That's what like, it should be funny. I think that's like the best because that's what I'm looking for.

Like when I watch a movie that I really love or when I like find something that I like really tune into and love, it's because it's like, it makes me feel less alone. I relate to it. I see myself in the thing. It's, oh my God, it's so raw and honest that I'm like, Oh my God, I can't believe this person was so brave to reveal this thing. But then also it makes me laugh. That's my favorite kind of shit to watch.

So that I think that's, and that's, so that's what I want to make. You know, I always want to be laughing. Like I'll see really serious things like whether it's a movie or whatever the fuck it is or somebody who takes themself so seriously. And I'm like, God, I just, I, I always prefer to laugh. Like I just rather be laughing. Maybe I sound too serious now. Oh, but you talking about Insta stories, but talking about how like your friends

don't like it and your friend, and you've got to like frame it like it's like cinema and we're watching apps, you know, we're watching with absence. Like I don't even feel the need to like frame it so intensely because it's so, I don't even know who's making, who's making fun of Insta stories. Cause to me, the same people who make funny YouTube stars. Oh, no, it's different. No way. Cause I, I have the, not the problem in me.

I would make fun of like Vine stars. Like one of my best girlfriends who people don't understand why we're best girlfriends because we're so different. She's like a Vine star. She looks like she shops at hot topics. Like she's kind of cheesy, but she's so wonderful. And oh my God, I hope I'm not like parts right now. Can you hear this?

No, do you want some water? No, I've got Rosé right here. Okay. We're getting tipsy while we podcast you guys. It's Thanksgiving. How dare you? Um, anyway, um, I would make fun of Vine stars and I would make fun of like YouTube stars, but that's my problem because the whole thing is like the futuristic way

of thinking or the way to think is it's just where people are putting their attention. It's where people choose to put their attention. So I don't need to think about it as cinema. Yeah, it's Insta stories. I used to be really shy when I first started with it. Cause I was like, oh, everybody's going to see and it's connected to Instagram. That's where everybody's like really into Instagram and Snapchat is kind of like,

maybe it's still thriving, but now I make a joke. That's not a joke and not to talk and tweets, but I like tweeted the other day like, Oh, I have my own, uh, my own TV show now. Uh, it's on the Instagram network. Uh, I'm, you know, my show is constantly on the air. Like check it out online because that's what it is. It's like, that's where everybody can have their own TV show, you know, where it's like, it's anyway, and you know, you're doing it more.

Well, cause I don't know about that a hundred percent, but, but before we get into that, like when, what you're talking about, I imagine there was some time way in the dark distant primordial past where like in a tribe, there was probably somebody who was super funny and charisma, the storyteller, and they would sit in front of the campfire and he would tell stories and people loved it. And they would laugh. And the stories he told other people had told him and he would share the stories. And that was what entertainment was, but then it certainly it's at some point,

some asshole was like, you know what, the campfire thing's cool, but not everybody can see me. I'm going to build a little platform to stand on, to tell the stories. And probably the older storyteller, the first time someone built a stage was like, what a fucking asshole. I'm not, I'm not doing that. Sit standing on a stage. That's not how we do it.

We don't stand on a stage. We sit in front of the campfire and tell the story, not on a stage. That's not real storytelling when you're standing on a stage. So in the same way, it's like with a history of comedy, you know, it's like stand up comedy. Before that, it was like, um, vaudeville and, and, and, and, and, and then stand up comedy sort of transforms into like, Oh, TV, the glory of TV. A lot of stand up comics.

The dream was to get on TV. You get on TV and more people can see your comedy and then, but now this new thing has emerged, which is like, we don't really need TV anymore. Yeah. And so what I'm saying is every, every evolution of the stage is decried in some way or another by people who are attached to the previous version. So that's what's happening when people look at whatever the fucking thing is and say, no, that doesn't really count.

And also I think like, if you're, if you have like an unwillingness to go with the flow and to the next thing that shows like how far you are able to go. It shows like your age kind of in a weird way. It's like, like you can be a certain age. And then have like a willingness to like, stop looking at your computer. I can't believe you. Oh, I'm looking to make sure the levels are okay. Alexi, I have to make sure you just call me ugly and fat.

I can't believe this. No, I did not. Okay. But, uh, I know you're like, how old are you? Like 60? You're like 60 years old. I know this almost, but, uh, but you have such a youthful willingness to like, I don't know, but I'm just saying like people who don't have the willingness to

like try the next thing or do instastories or try Snapchat or like, and they're like, Oh, back in my day, like that's just embarrassing for them. It shows their age and it shows their like, what's the word? Rigid. Oh my God, you're going to be drunk. Rigidity. Is that it? Rigidity?

The rigidness? That's not the word. Tell me. Rigidity. Okay. Well, uh, yeah, being stuck. Yeah. And you can't, the whole thing is you got to keep like moving.

That's why it's like, and that's why I wonder, like, do you need, do you need managers and agents anymore? Or at what point are those things going to, or like TV networks and magazines and like partners? You need partners. If you have a good manager and agent, it's a part, my agent's amazing. Like he's, he's great. You know, I just love my manager.

I know we'll talk about that in a second. But my, my agent's just a, uh, like, uh, he's really, really smart. Get a room. He loves doing business and he's like a great, he's a partner. So like, if he wasn't an agent, he would be my business partner. He just happens to be an agent. And because of that, cause my brain like spins and like terrible, like vortexes that, that aren't really quite often monetizable.

And there's no way to make, but he's someone who can focus that. And like, oh, wait, why don't we do this? I really don't, I think he's like 17. He just turned 17. Oh, cool. See, there you go. Oh, that's why I got, I love him. Like Louie when his like manager was like eight years old.

And I know we're not a lot of, we're, we're, we're, was that in a Louie? Well, this is the, I know we're not allowed to like his work anymore. It's funny to bring up your manager and Louie CK cause they're connected. Your manager was Louie CK's manager. Your manager just got in a hellstorm because, um, he, he was implicated in, can you tell the story of what happened to your manager, Dave Becky? You want to talk about it? Well, yeah.

I mean, Dave Becky was Louie CK's manager, not his manager anymore. Right. Didn't he drop Louie CK, but he was implicated in this whole story about, you know, so it came out that Louie CK was, was, uh, jerking off in front of a multiple women over the course of like however long. And, um, one of the things in what article was it? Who cares? It doesn't matter in useless detail.

Like was that Dave Becky threatened the careers of two of the girls. He threatened to hurt their career if they didn't stop. Like, was that in the article you said he was going to fuck up their career? I don't know. That was, that was the, that's what got Dave Becky into so much trouble is the, the, the, the vibe for like, I thought it was kind of foggy. It was just kind of foggy. That's the thing.

It was, there was some sense that he had power over their control, but he just basically told them, Hey, shut up, Hey, shut up, some version of shut up. And that's why it's like a murky thing because it's like, I talked to my agent and I talked to executives that I've worked with in the past who are kind of like bummed that I left Dave Becky and I left Dave Becky because not because that, you know, I, it was a disappointing story. Uh, I mean, outside of this like thing that just happened, he is considered to be one of the top comedy managers.

He's a badass. I mean, he represented Louie CK. Louie CK, Maya Rudolph, uh, whoever, Aziz Ansari, Kevin Hart, just like, uh, Amy polar, like he's one of like the legendary few legendary managers. He's one of them and I love him. You know, he's, he's a badass. He's got a, he's into rock and roll. He's got great taste.

He's just super charming and like, I just looked up to him. So this whole thing, like, you know, it was murky and foggy, but you left him a hundred percent because of the Louie CK thing or were there other hundred percent because of the Louie CK thing, but like, you know, I just feel like everything, everybody's screaming on the internet. Now I just thought like it had been a long time coming. I just wanted to get away. I don't like going to three arts or management companies in general because

of the dick jokes and the misogyny and like the overall like comedy community is like so male oriented that I just thought like, I'm not one of his biggest clients. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm disappointed by the story. Oh God, I'm a woman. Like, I just got to go the fuck out of here. You know what I mean? Like, and I, it was like the straw that broke the camel.

The straw that broke the camel's back. And then it's, and then I also was getting like, there's this other thing going on. I'll go back to Dave Becky, but there's this other thing going on and tell me if I start slurring because I haven't eaten. I've only had a donut and I'm drinking rose on Thanksgiving at your house or whatever. But there's this thing that like people are doing women, which is really disappointing. Cause I guess they look up to Rose McGowan and I love Rose McGowan, but there's like this weird feminist woman on woman bullying to tell your story and to do

what they tell you is the right thing to do. And like, I have two things going on in my life right now. There was like, you know, I knew cares about me being a client of Dave Becky. I'm not anymore, but that's neither here nor there. It's like, I started getting all these like emails and like DMs on Twitter and Instagram being like, are you going to say anything about this Dave Becky and Louisie? And it's like, are you, you better leave.

You better fucking leave. Like these women like telling me what you're doing. I'm like, wait a minute. I want to do, I'm going to do whatever I want to do. Also don't tell me what to do. And you're a woman telling another woman in this crazy time with all this fucking weird upheaval where it's like every, every woman right now is like hearing about you know, the Brett Ratner, the Harvey Weinstein stuff, every woman hearing these

stories in the news right now, Charlie Rose, Charlie Rose, like everything. Like Russell Simmons, like my own Russell Simmons story to talk about, but it's like every woman right now reading all this shit in the news. And I don't know if you can relate to this or not. You're a guy and you're a wonderful, awoken, lovely, charismatic sweetheart. Like, so I don't know if you can relate to this, but like for most women, every woman I talk to, it's like all, all the shit that they've ever experienced with the guys, whether like they're sexually assaulted, spoken to in a weird

way, a carrot was dangled in like a weird situation where they're like with a boss who had power over them. Like all their horror stories of the men are coming to the surface now that they've been trying to like suppress because they didn't want to think of themselves as a victim or they didn't come forward with it or they didn't think like they're like, Oh, I'll just put it on me. And I won't like, so I'm going through my own shit. All my girlfriends are going through their own shit.

And then other women strangers on the internet are going to be like telling me how I'm supposed to like deal with my manager situation or like, it's like, fuck you. It's just like some weird thing that's happening. It doesn't feel like it doesn't feel like camaraderie as much as like aggression. It feels like this kind of like you're bullying. It's like this new form of bullying where it's like the jocks, like the cheerleader girls are like, well, now we're going to tell you, like, this is how it

works at the high school and it's like, Oh my God, back the fuck. Anyway, so why do you think, why do you think right now this is happening? Why is this scary though? Avalanche of revelation happening right now. I have no idea. I don't know. I mean, because Trump was elected, right? Is it because of Trump?

I think at first, like, you know, this is like one of the. This is like a blessing kind of like one of the good things about him being elected is the fact that it like made people, shook people up and went, Oh my God, racism and think it would have happened if Hillary got elected. I don't think so. I really don't. So is this some kind of balancing? Cause like there's this like, no one, like there's, there used to be listeners.

I mean, I think, I think it might happen again. Oh my God. But do you, so you think this is like a societal reaction to having this like brute in office? Of course. Cause all of a sudden I know the day after I got after the election, like I went downstairs, my car was hyper aware of how white I am. I was like, Oh my God.

Oh my God. Like this means that like the fact that he got, he's in office means that the majority of people, it was about, I don't know. I don't know. I'm all over the place right now drinking rosé on Thanksgiving, but here's something that happened the day that, that Trump was elected. I walked downstairs to my car, somebody had blocked my car in and I was furious. I was already on edge.

I was like, I can't believe this. Fuck, like who's blocking my car? I gotta go. I gotta go to Starbucks. I gotta go to Starbucks now. I'm late to go to Starbucks. I'm like this blonde white neighbor of mine who I can't stand, like ran down and like just so, you know, whatever.

And I went, what a white, what a self important, like, whatever. Like I just felt like she was, uh, why are you so white aware? I was just like, because I became quite aware because I felt like, uh, the people who voted Trump in office were like, uh, people who were like, it just meant that racism was still alive and that it meant that like misogyny is, is super alive. And like, and so I remember just thinking like, like, it was a bird chirping.

I can't focus about ADD. You guys can't hear this bird. We gotta do something. Maybe they can until that's a really like intense bird too. Like that's a really, that bird hates women. That bird is like hearing me speak and it's like trying to stifle me. Oh shit. It's probably one of those new Trump CIA birds or anyone's where, where, whenever

a podcast starts talking shit about Trump, a robotic bird lands and starts trying to round it out. My point was, I just thought, I thought, like, I thought, oh my God, this girl is just like, uh, so self-involved and has no self-awareness and is blocking my car and cause she's like white, whatever. And then I went, oh my God, I'm white. And I went, if I think that way about her, then I can't imagine like what, I don't know, I just became hyper aware of like what my skin color represented.

Is there races to be like races against myself? Yeah. No, I deserve it. That was something I was thinking is like, like the racism of white people is finally like reached its like climax and that white people are now racist against white people. Like they ran through all the other races and now they, all that's left is their own body to like, despise.

You know, I'm a bit cool though. So it's like, I'm a little bit cooler. Actually, I'm naturally blonde though. I'm naturally blonde. I don't know if my story landed. So you know, it landed. You're, but no, it's the day after Trump. You're just like, ah, fuck.

I'm just saying all the upheavals happening because it was a reality check. Everybody's on edge. Everybody's like, Oh my God, I'm sorry. I didn't realize the majority of the country felt this way. This guy could be elected. It's not just, it must mean that most people are like racist, misogynist, horrible, blah, blah, white supremacy. Like, Oh my God.

No, no, I mean, what, what, what, what, what I really, what it means, I think is that people are angry and, and because a lot of people in, in, in like huge swaths of the country are unemployed, they're like fucking, they're doomed. They're kind of doomed. They're all like snorting oxy. They're, they're like out of their fucking minds and they're fucking pissed. Meanwhile, Obama, you know, he deported more people than any American than all the American presidents combined.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You voted for Trump, right? No, I voted for a back of tarantulas. Oh, good. That's great. I really did. I did.

I did vote for a bag of trash, but I don't want to talk politics. I'm not good at that. Let's talk about boys and feelings. No, we'll get to that. Okay. I think it's, it's like what, what happened with, with Trump was a blessing in a lot of different ways because, but one of the blessings was with Obama, we have this like charismatic, beautiful, graceful, like aristocratic leader who's

like ordering drone strikes that killed countless innocent children. He murdered so many people. He increased the surveillance in the United States, but my God, man. He's so fucking graceful, handsome, so fucking cool. He's cool, man. He's cool. Yet he's a murderer. He's a mass murderer.

And he's just presidents are, right? Yeah, a lot. Many of them are probably all. I don't know. But so Obama is a kind of monster, but he's a beautiful monster. And the glory of Trump is here we have this, like all is just a monster. He's an oligarch. You know, we have this brutish, fucking billionaire, disconnected, crazy

being who at least in this case, we can see he kind of looks like a pig. Well, Obama didn't look like a pig. I want my pigs to look like pigs. So when we're looking at him, it's like, okay, this is a pig. What do you mean? Well, I don't think of you as that. But anyway, the point is so that, so because we now have this overt representation of what is happening in the world, which is the, what Terence

McKenna called male dominator culture, the amplification of that and the extreme. It's produced this, a lot of beautiful reactions, I think. Oh yeah. There are a lot of beautiful reactions, but I also feel like with all the stuff that's happening with this upheaval, I'd say with men and women would like, you know, the Harvey Weinstein is a monster. But like with all the, like with everything that's going on, I feel like it's like, I feel like everything, it's all happening so fast because it, like,

and that the, I don't know, it's just so much is happening right now. It's, it makes it like scared. I can't even imagine people dating right now. You know, maybe this isn't a date. You know what the apocalypse means? Yeah. Well, tell me, tell me. Well, I think it's Greek.

The Greek is, it means the lifting of the veil. So. Oh God. Yes. It is the apocalypse then. Yeah. So how can we be on a date now? You're probably a monster.

What? What's going to happen? I'm a monster. What's going to come out about you? Oh, I think we're all monster. I mean, I think that, that, that, that really. I call myself a monster all the time. I think if you look at like, I mean, if you look at any human, it's, some

people have acted on their darkest impulses and they've done it over and over and over again. And I don't think anything is unforgivable, but I think that we need, when I look at all this shit going down, I think, man, I, what we need in society is like, you know, like having space here. All these people are like, Oh, I'm going to rehab. Like in the West rehab became this sort of like going to rehab. Well, that's what people say when they've been accused of things like this,

because in the West rehab has become sort of like the chamber of purification. So it's like really what we need is a chamber of purification where a person does some rotten things somewhere in between jail and like, you know, saying you're sorry, it would be amazing if there's a place that people like Harvey Weinstein or whoever in the future emerges and not just with like crazy sex people, but anyone who does some ridiculously stupid shit will be really beautiful if we had built into our society, a forgiveness chamber that people could go into and in a real way, a tone for whatever dark karma that they had

like spread into the world. Louis C. C. K. Being a perfect example of this, which is that here we have a rusty pipe with very sweet water that came out of it. Because if you work, yes, so funny, I love Woody Allen movies. I'm not going to stop living Woody Allen movies.

It's rusty pipes. And it's like, I'm not going to let some persons like fucking crazy, bullying, egocentric, super hyper, sexualized, repressed lunacy. No way. Because what in what that's the very, that's not, that's, that's to imply what I think is one of the fundamental delusions when it comes to art, which is that the thing that the art is coming out of has anything to do with the art. And I think when a person who is producing the art thinks that they're,

they're, they're responsible, that person inevitably is a complete cunt. When you run into someone's all puffed up because of the stuff they're making, it's just like, oh, yeah, you're, you're like a radio, but playing Beethoven that thinks you're Beethoven, but don't people, what about when you use the work to, to walk through the demons that you're fighting, right? When you use that as a tool to, to like get through it or, or, or make sense of it or forgive yourself for it or feel better about it. You know what I mean?

That's another aspect of like, yeah, sure. That means I can't enjoy the work and I still want to enjoy the work as a third party who's just like, anyway, I think of the work as a, as another creature that a person created and that, that, to, to reject the work because of the creator of the work is to like, to, to do a great disservice to a living hyper dimensional being that, so I'm not going to stop enjoying Louis CK's comedy. I'm not going to stop enjoying anything you put out that amazing short film

like where what short film, he did this incredible short about, um, can't believe you wrote me into this, like Louis CK appreciation pocket. I can't believe it. No, it's not, it's not, no, I feel, no, I think this is kind of like, when this is not a date, when somebody like Louis CK or whoever it is, Kevin Spacey is talented and is focused and ambitious and, and works really hard to the point where they're making really beautiful stuff. I think that they're incredibly irresponsible aside from all the ethical

shit and just like the, the, the, the lives they're hurting from being this amazing, talented being, and then like assaulting someone, aside from just that, the fact that like they're doing that, that's obviously the number one sin. But the very, in a close second is the fact that they've become this conduit for this beautiful art conduit. Yeah. And then, and, and now they're there, not only are they jerking off in front of these like people who respected them.

They're like jerking off in front of their art. You know what I mean? And it's like, God damn it. Why are you adding this extra pull up that we have to do to appreciate beauty in the world? You're bringing beauty in the world. Yeah. That's an incredible thing.

Respect that. That's what you're doing. The, the ideal priest class, not the corrupted priest class, sucking off toddlers, you know, whatever, like a lot of priests do, the ideal priest class. And I think an artist is a form of priest, yeah, abides by a certain ethic because they are, they're channels or they're connective points that people can talk to God through and it's sacred. And so they have to abide by these certain rules.

And, and the moment that a priest doesn't do that, then anything they've taught the person is false then is not false. But in the person's mind, they're going to reject the teaching because the thing that it came out of was fucking standing in a hotel room, sweating and fucking coming all over a fucking hotel couch in front of them. It's awful. It's the, it's like a great sin. If you are lucky enough that you're producing beauty into the world.

Just if you're going to jerk off in front of somebody, don't ask permission because they're fucking like your friend and you know, they're going to say no. And somehow it gives you like the sense of hire a sex worker. They're sex workers. Get a sex worker, contribute to like that economy, like get a sex worker who's going to act freaked out that you're jerking off in front of them. There's so many great ways to like do it. That's all I'm not, I'm not defending what Louis CK or any of these freaks did.

I'm just saying like, to me, what's particularly, and what's kind of getting left out in the story is, is, and maybe it should get left out because like the primary thing is like, you know, here's people who really respected you, that trusted you, that were in your presence, that thought you were cool, that thought you're hanging out with them because you thought they were funny. It's so funny. I went on a date with Louis CK.

Oh, you did. I did. What happened? You didn't jerk off in front of me. You didn't even ask. Did you was, did you throw with me? Did you feel that really? Was there a moment?

That's a horrible joke. It's a horrible joke. I've been making that joke, but not on a podcast or the microphone in front of my mouth, but then I realized like now in this, in this, in the current climate to make a joke like, what's wrong with me? Why didn't you want to jerk off in front of me? It's like, not allowed because it's like, because it's not, uh, because nobody has a sense of humor and it's like, we're not allowed to make jokes

or anything to deflect. Yeah. With this stuff, you have to, you're like, there's a lot, there's a, everything is so like high strung right now. It is so high strung. And, uh, yeah, no, I went on a date with him like when I was like, Oh God, maybe like nine years ago or something. And, Oh, because I had met him and he was totally lovely and fine.

That doesn't mean he hasn't jerked off in front of a bunch of people. I'm not taking away from the shitty things he's done, but like my experience with him was, uh, was, yeah, we met at some like kids in the hall. Do you have time for this? Are you hanging yourself? Are you hanging yourself? You can't see Duncan is standing on a chair, fashioning a news, fashioning a news. No, so, so years ago, I think I was like 21 years old.

I was at like one of the party, a party that one of the guys from kids in the hall through, I can't remember what his name is, but he had like a pool party. And, and like I was in the pool, tipsy, topless without asking anybody's consent. Topless in the pool, talking to like a then lesser known, but still widely respected Louis CK, and I think he was married at the time and he's having a conversation with me and this is so funny because now as an adult to see the situation, this man was like, I was just topless, so naive and green. And I think I was doing stand up at the time and then, uh, just like asking

about life and what it all means. And, and meanwhile, like I'm topless in my undies and assuming pool like one in the morning and he's just like, you know, I'm hopefully used it as an image to jerk off later. I mean, I hope, but whatever. But he was just like standing there and sitting there in the pool with me. And then, and he was married. Years later, he my spaces me and he's like, Hey, I'd love to like, you know,

I'm divorced now, like I remember meeting in that pool and it would be really great to like, so basically he was just like trying to find all the girls he wished he had fucked or something like over the course of many years. And like, you know, do you want to meet for a date? So we went to like the beachwood cafe or something all tucked away and we walked in there and I think we walked into one aspect, one section of the beachwood cafe. It's a spot in Tinseltown or whatever. Like, but, uh, and there are all these like writers he knew and this one

took of it and he was like, Oh no, I'm not in there. And, you know, and then so we found this one spot. And I think he talked about Dave Becky too is about to go pitch some TV show with Dave Becky is like years before I ever met Dave Becky. And it was like, totally lovely. We just talked about comedy and like, yeah, I think it was glazed over. I think he'd had enough. I think I was like too earnest and like naive for him or something or not

to be fucked with or somehow. And then he walked in my car. He asked me if he could kiss me. I said, no, because I was not attracted to him. And, uh, and then that was it. And then like a year later, I started my blog and I like my space to him and asked him if like he would read it and I never heard back from him. And then I heard him on Howard Stern talking about how right after his divorce,

he revisited all the girls he had wanted to fuck and he fucked some of them, not all of them. And I was like, well, I guess I was just one of the girls. He didn't fuck. And then I watched the pilot of Louis, which is like where that's picked kind of what he's doing. He's like going back to the women that he used to know in his past now that he was divorced.

And I thought that was so interesting to watch it unfold. And he just keeps getting more interesting as opposed like with the jerk off stuff, but, uh, well, you know, there's like, uh, I think we were talking about this, not on a podcast, but there. So there's this mystic Gurgif and he talks about what a person is. And the idea is a person is not one person. A person is a hive of selves. So within any person,

yeah, yes. So it's like, it's, there's so many personalities living inside of any of us at any given time. So there's the tired version of you, the angry version of you. Oh my God. They're like, yeah, the loving version of you, the in love version of you, the podcast version of me. Yes, exactly.

And like some of these versions of us are completely antithetical and completely opposed to each other and completely the opposite. And so, so, so many people spend a lot of energy suppressing certain versions of themselves. And we've seen this in psychology with multiple personality disorder, where people will become someone else. A person who's right-handed will become left-handed. A person who has like physical disorders will emerge in certain

personalities that aren't in other personalities. So if I've been like that, oh, don't you feel like you show your meanest sides to your parents and the person you're a loving relationship with? Yeah. Cause you want to be healed. You want to be healed? Yeah.

I feel like I'm the meanest to my parents and whoever I'm having sex with. Or that was when I used to have sex and date. I don't do that anymore. That's not true. Okay. Why do you say that? I'll tell you later on the podcast though. Keep going, keep going.

Well, that's funny. Well, that's a funny part of yourself you want to put out there. Oh, I'm not dating. Oh, I don't. Of course you're always dating. I am dating. You're like very romantic and you have lots of relationships. Yeah.

But before we get to that, the idea is like that what happens is if you're very comfortable around someone, if I go to the doctor and I tell him about how I want to feel versus how I feel, I'm going to die because the thing that I'm feeling, the symptoms I'm not going to say. I'm, if I go to a doctor and say how I want to feel, I will be like doctor. I just wanted to tell you, I've never felt this energetic. I wake up in the morning fully rested. I immediately fall asleep when I go, when I go to sleep and my body feels

like really loose. Like I feel like I'm completely relaxed all the time. I never feel anxiety. I'm super happy and the doctor like, great, I'm glad you're doing great. See you later and I will die. But, and so that's what happens in relationships. That's what happens in the, when people are in the public is the thing they present to the world is not who they are.

It's who they want to be. Yeah. And so if you feel comfortable enough with the world or with someone that you're with, then you start showing them the wound and you're showing them the wound, not because you want to be rejected, but because you desperately are hoping that they can heal you. Well, that's different from being viciously mean and reactive. Cause I'm talking, I'm talking to my boyfriend, but I'm actually really

talking to my father. That's different. That's the wound. That's, but that's different. The wound's not pretty. I know it's not, but how my wound is not pretty. Okay, but when is a wound pretty? Wait, how gross would it be that you go to somebody and you have this

fucking wound and the person looks at it and is like, oh, so beautiful. I'm dying for that. I call my vagina wound, but anyway, that's totally hacky. Whatever. Anyway, with my blog, with my podcast, with my instastories or whatever, or these different variations on like how you like present yourself to the world. I've always tried to be like my complete self in the hopes that like, oh, okay, if I'm this fucking raw, like I did this more with my blog.

Forgive me for talking about my blog on your podcast. Why? I think it's great. I like your blog, but like I used to be so crazy, crazy, like so vulnerable and raw and forthcoming on that thing because I thought, fuck it. Like if somebody can handle this, then they see me and that's now I've transitioned that to like, I wish my podcast I'm working on it and you make me want to be way more like honest and who I am.

But like with my instastories, when I'm doing that a ton, my goal is it's like, I'm like, this is me. I'm on my own. I'm living my life. If a man were to see this and hopefully I'm attracted to this man, he's cool. And I think he's neat as well. Like if he were to respond to this, then he accepts me, then he likes me. Then he like, then I have found a person who like can handle who I actually really

am, not some front, but the problem is for me, what I always run into is I run and we've talked about this before, but whatever. Now we're podcasting. Like I run into men who are like, you're so funny. You're so brave. Oh my God, I would never be able to say what you say. I can't believe it. You know, and then I'm like, Oh wow, he gets me.

He likes me. He, he accepts me. I can be safe in his arms and, and, and cause that's all I want. And I want to do the same to the other, to the, to the, to the person, but it's not okay. It's really not because they get attracted to that and not to like keep saying, we've talked about this before, like they get attracted to it, but then they're like, Oh yeah, but you're my girlfriend now.

Like, can you, can you cut it out? Or like, don't talk about me though. Or like, you're not going to mention us. So like, Oh, you can talk about that. But I really prefer you didn't, like, so I, you know, I, I refer to it as like being attracted to my light and then wanting to put a lampshade over me, you know, when it's like, so I'm getting tipsy on this Rosé, but, but like, so it's this crazy thing.

I'm not, I'm trying to like put my, my complete self out there. And I don't know if it's different. I feel like, like, I feel like for you, as I'm slowing my words, I feel like for you, it's different because it's different from men a bit. Am I totally wrong? Where you can have your podcast and you're talking about like, Oh my God, I can't believe it. Living my life and doing all my things and psychedelic and I'm going to the thing

and whatever and give as much as you are giving of yourself on your various platforms and whatever. And, and I feel like women who have fallen in love with you through that are like, wow, he's so neat. You know, he does this and he does that and he says this and this is who he is. And they'll accept it, but it's not like that for a woman who puts yourself in the same position. Like, like if I am similar to you in any way, that's not true.

What you just said isn't true. I don't know about that because I'm, I'm living my life trying to like, like, I'm just telling you what it's been like for the, for being accepted and dating. And it's, I guess it's rare because when you do find the thing that accepts you, it should be rare because that's when you know it's so important that you found it, I guess. Well, yeah, I mean, I think so. Yeah, they're recording still.

Yeah, it's still rolling. I can see it roll. Yeah, no, but I think that it's, I think that what we do is pretty unique in the sense that it is like very up, very in, in, in front of people. And so, you know, a lot of people have a fundamental right to privacy. So, and many people don't want to be in the public eye and there's nothing wrong with that. So if somebody, if you, if you wind up with somebody who wants to be private,

it's their right to be private. And, and that's a problem. But why do they come for me then? That's like the funny thing is like my thing is like, this is what I do. There's all the things you like me. You appreciate this. You come towards me, you're into it. And then you're like bummed on it.

And it's like, but you knew you were getting into the whole time. And that's why, and for a moment, like before they weren't thinking it, they weren't thinking it through. I, they weren't thinking about it in that way. What they were seeing you, they were seeing you, the thing you're throwing in front of the world and they weren't thinking, this is a person who puts everything in front of the world. They were thinking, I really like the person in front of the world.

They weren't thinking about the fact that the way they found you was because they might be, you put yourself in front of the world. That's also, but it's a horrible thing. Cause then you feel like the rugs been pulled out from underneath you. And you go, oh, wow, this person accepts me. They're into it. And then, and I really don't feel, I feel like men get, and not to make it like many, because I love men.

And I believe in their wonderful, wonderful men and like, and all this stuff. But it is like, cause it's a masculating a bit to like have some groving, like, you know, talking about her feelings and talking nonstop. And, and like putting yourself out there. And I don't know. So it doesn't, it's few and far between when it sits well with a, with a guy. It's funny to me that you are apocalyptic. Like I, what I just realized is like, both of our styles are apoc, if

apocalypse means lifting of the veil, then both of our styles of podcasting and putting stuff out there is about as much as possible. Lifting the veil. Yes. Okay. So we're apocalyptic. I guess the definition of our aesthetic is a form of apocalypse in the sense that the idea is like, okay, how much can I reveal now?

I want to reveal everything. And I forgot you do. No, I do. And I haven't been, and you're making me want to again, but you don't know, I know what I've found in my experiments with it in general is that when I reveal something, the responses love, it's very rarely rejection. Like usually what you realize is like, Oh, the universe seems to be playing a game with us where it wants us to tell the truth, but it's

not going to force us to tell the truth. Other people feel less alone. You give them permission to feel less alone. They see themselves in you. It's the most beautiful thing. You're a conduit for other people. And so I feel like recently, sorry, not to cut you off. I just totally cut you off.

I feel like I had to make decision recently that like I had to choose like one or the other because I got so beaten down and horrible relationships with people I thought like except me, but didn't or were addicts or mean and jealous or just, oh my God, like horror stories that I went, Oh my God, I just have to be okay with being alone forever. Relationships are terrifying and detrimental. If you want to be a conduit to like being really honest and being like the butt of the joke and making yourself very vulnerable so that people, people

can feel less alone and laugh, which is my main goal of anything that I'll ever do and have been doing for a while. Then you just have to give up. You've got to be okay with aging out of having a baby. You've got to be okay with never getting married. You've got to be okay with. And, but the weird thing is I'm such a romantic, I'm at this crossroads and it odds myself because I'm such a romantic and I'm a realist.

So that's where I do myself. And cause I'm like, I have this, I'm like, and I, I wait, I might, I'm, I'm a realist, but I'm also super idealistic. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Well, no, wait, let me stop you. Okay. I just want to break down your definition of romance because it's interesting to me that you think that romance and realism don't meet.

Well, I want them to, but I feel like I've gotten all these like, through my experience, I got beaten down. And now I feel more hopeful, but because I like constantly like, you try out a thing and then it doesn't work out and you got to pick yourself up again and you go, but I believe in love and I'm hoping for the best and that thing didn't work out, but that was that thing. And I'm like, and then I'm listening to people and everybody's like polyamorous and that's great and this and that.

And like, but I'm like old school. I want to be like monogamous and I want my one person and I've had enough sex with a million gazillion men in my entire life. I've had so many. How much is the gazillion? A lot, like a lot. We didn't even talk about Jason Siegel's story. We haven't even, I didn't have sex with them.

I didn't have sex with them. Anyway, okay. But, uh, oh God, but, uh, but yeah, but like, I don't know. And then I just thought like, maybe that doesn't exist anymore. And like, I want like this perfect thing where I'm like, I have a partner and it's like this Cassavetes thing and we're making something together and, and like, I can be my complete self and it's imperfect and it's like over, over shares and is insecure and I spiral, but I'm like, I also think I'm great and I'm making the

things and I'm talking to people, but I wanted to be, but no, I have like this whole idea of what I'm looking for and I've believed that exists for so long. And then I just got to this point recently where I was like, Oh fuck, I don't even know if it does anymore. And like, it can exist. If you think romance and realism are separate things, it will exist. They aren't like, I want them to be one thing. But I, if they're separate things, then it's, then they're not separate anymore.

Then they won't be separate because well, I got like, yeah, I don't know. Cause if you think about it, I'm still hopeful for, for romance, forget, and that is realism. My realistic romance is what I, this is one of the great, beautiful, like problems, sweet problems that we're having in the modern world right now is that we have this, we basically have these two strands, one of them is religion and one of them is science. And, and, and

Christopher Ryan now know what he doesn't talk about that. What do you mean? I thought you were going to talk about like sex at dawn. I'm like, I can't do this right now. That's a completely, by the way, I don't know why. First of all, you and me and Christopher Ryan have to like go do our own podcast. You invented that for him. You would like him.

He's a wonderful human. So, but, but the, um, no, I'm not talking about, I'm no, what I'm talking about is we have these two in the, in the human identity, we have these two threads of the personality of the human identity, one of them religion, one of them science. So if we look at all humans that ever lived as one person and, and, and the flow of history is the thought process of this person, then we see these two, two interesting thoughts trying to, trying to merge. One of them is the idea that we live in this universe that everything's alive.

Everything's made of love. Everything emerges from love. Everything is an expression of God. And the other is materialism, scientific materialism, which is like, no, I don't know if that's true. Like, I think that we just have matter, atoms, reactions, chemical reactions, but this extra stuff you're putting on there, I don't know if that's real. I mean, so, so people who are like devout scientific materialists will

immediately, if you posed to them, the thing that you know is true, which I know is true, which is that the universe springs from like a divine intelligence and that we're living inside of love. They're kind of like, no, we're not living inside of fucking love. We're living inside of a bunch of chemical reactions. That's what you are. And that's it. Yeah, I don't like that.

That's not for me. It's two threads. Yeah. So one of them is romantic and one of them is realistic. And so what we're seeking is to merge these two back together again. And once we do that, we will, we will have found the ultimate love. And I think that is like the, not only the quest in a individual's life, but I think it's the hope for our entire species, which is the, we had to split

apart in this way so that we could like really understand the world and this at the atomic level. And because of that, so many great things have emerged. But then because of that, to like kick aside myth is insanity to kick aside this sweet, beautiful harm, harmony of story. And that is given so many people's lives. Meaning is, is, is a brutality at the highest level, but to kick aside science because you want to live in some fantasy land where like Krishna is playing

a flute in the floor science by pushing aside though, am I pushing aside science? You're not, but I'm saying you, you were separating romance from realism. And I'm saying that somebody told me that one time, I guess, and that really broke my heart cause I guess like I was in a thing with somebody and he, he, he separated the two and I let that stick with me where I went, wow. Okay. So what I strive for is, is not realistic, but that's me just like cutting myself emotionally, it's you, you, it's you being the representation of all humanity

and all humanity has a broken heart right now. Because the, because we've been either disconnected from the story or, or we've been disconnected from truth and, and, and the story is so beautiful that, that, that it deserves an entire life dedicated to it and truth is so beautiful. It deserves an entire life dedicated to it. But right now the idea is these two things can't coexist. So we pick one or the other, which, well, here's what I like to be hopeful about if this is what gets me through the night.

If I feel like I'm a person who, who wants this and is capable of like being monogamous, being honest, being my complete self, having the willingness to accept a person exactly as they are and communicate through moments of like things not making sense. And I can be kind and graceful and whatever and like just treat them the way I would want to be treated. And I, and I have this way in which I want to have a relationship. There are so many people in the world, hopefully there must, I must, I have

hope that there is at least one other person who shares my belief system that maybe I'm also attracted to and I want to have sex with them in, you know, so I, I go, you know, all it takes is the, another person who shares the world in which I am constructing my brain that I want to live in, right? Like, so it doesn't, it doesn't matter what everybody else thinks. It's like, I just need to find that one other person who like, um, like, let's like, I'm sorry if I'm like tipsy and slurring and all over the place. You don't see, you don't seem,

but like if Christopher Ryan, like, cause everybody talks to me about like, oh, Christopher Ryan, sex with Don, you got to read that book and blah, blah. And he talks about how I'm going to talk to me. I'm sure, I can't wait to meet him. I'd love to meet him. I'd love to date him. I'd love to have sex. I was getting, is he married?

No, I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to. How dare, it was a trick. You just failed. That was a trick. I just wanted to, okay, um, yeah, I don't know. I just feel like, uh, I don't know where I'm going with all this, but I'm, but like all that matters is the two people in a relationship are on the same page

and are honest with each other about whatever the terms of that relationship are, you know what I mean? So that's like, and so there can be a million, a myriad of different relationships that exist or like what the goal is nowadays with romance and blah, blah, but as long as you're like, well, you're in a relationship with like four people and it's polyamorous and it's fucking whatever, like, or you're with another person and you're both like subscribing to this idea where it's like, okay, you're not going to fuck anybody else and I'm not going to.

And we want to really going to talk like all that matters is like everybody's on the same page. Like the tricky part is when people start like saying they're signed up for one thing and then they're like lying about it and you're like, what the fuck dude? Like if you said, if you wanted to fuck people, why don't you just tell me, maybe I wanted to fuck another person. Do you know what I mean?

So that is evil. Yeah. Isn't that evil? Is that, isn't that like one of the manifestations of evil? Well, yeah, it's controlling. It's like, it's evil. It's like, but it really, it means that person's hurting because they're not okay enough or aligned with themselves enough to like go, oh, I can say what I

need and what I want and I'm kind and I can like be like that with the other person I'm with. So that's really, they're probably in agony, but like, you know, I don't know. God, the dream is to be in the eye of love and the eye of love doesn't care what you've done and the eye of love doesn't care who you are and what you, and this is like, you know, the Ramnath people tell me, I know people have been around, um, named Koli Baba, uh, who was a saint and, and like what was, when you were in his presence, what was really unnerving about it was that he was, he

knew you, not just knew you like, Oh, I know you, but literally like telepathically could tell you things about yourself and could tell you the very greatest thing that you were hiding. Really? Oh yes. Oh my God. And then on top of that, he loved you, but he didn't love you in some kind of like Santa Claus way.

He loved you like the way your best friend loves you. Like I love you. Yeah. Are you going to be okay? Yeah. I don't know, but I love you. I love that you might not be okay because I know that this thing goes on forever. And in this moment, exactly where you're at, I love you.

And that experience for a lot of people was so overwhelming that like it would, it would blow you into pieces. Like you couldn't deal with it. It should be like that. Yeah. Yeah. God, that's heaven because to be in that eye, the eye of love with the thing, whatever it is, whatever, whatever the thing is you're so ashamed of.

And to somehow get lucky enough to become in the eye of a thing so sophisticated that whatever the fucking human thing you did was, it still loves you, but it doesn't love you in some stupid like Hallmark hard way. It sees you and loves you. Passionately. Yeah. Like it wants to be with you the way a lover wants to be with a beloved. It doesn't love you like, oh, I'm going to be around you and now I'm going to love you.

It's like, I'm so happy to be with you. I'm so lucky to be with you. I love you. I see you deeply. That is it. Yeah. Yeah. And so this is in the beginning where you're talking about this with these

fucking psychopaths, we need a forgiveness chamber because our species doesn't know how to love someone who is doing this shit yet. Yeah. We haven't figured out how to do that yet. Why are they like that? Why are they doing what they're doing? Yeah, there needs to be empathy and there's like relieving that part out. Not that I'm forgiving all these people.

Well, empathy and forgiveness are maybe two separate things. And it's like, you know, the victims and the hierarchy, the victims. I mean, Jesus, we didn't even get to the thing that you have told me. It is so fucking horrifying. But Russell Simmons? Yes. Oh boy. Like, which is like, how do you like, or like take Russell Simmons or take like,

you know, I don't know, Hitler. How do you forgive that? How do you look at that with the eye of love? How do I look at? Oh my God, there's so many different levels. How do I look at Hitler or Russell Simmons with the eye of love? How do I see a being that is caused? I mean, this is God.

Oh God. What's that fucking, it's such an embarrassing quote. What is that goddamn Bob Marley quote? Oh boy. Here we go. Is there, no. I knew this would happen on this podcast. Wait, no, how does it go?

Is there, no, this is like what, this is, hold on, hold on. I can't tell you how mortified I am to be quoting Bob Marley on this podcast. Me too. I've never sunk to this level. I was told this would happen. Good thing you're so handsome. He told you that day back. You think so really?

I don't think it myself. You're very handsome. Thank you. I can't believe you think that. I think you're very beautiful. You do? Yeah. You're very every, so no.

So the line is, this is from one love. It's so embarrassing to be reading Bob Marley, but fuck it. And the line is, there is one question I'd really love to ask. Is there a place for the hopeless sinner who has hurt all mankind just to save his own beliefs? And it's such a brilliant, brilliant question because it's like, yeah, what about that person? What about that being that is so fucking hopeless and hopeless is the right word? So buried underneath their karma that there is no hope. Is there, it's so great.

Is there a place for them in the world? It's such a great question because if we have a divine creed. It has to be. Right. There has to be, of course, because that's so funny because I can even make something, not to make it about me, but even to make a lighter thing where it's like, I feel like as boring and vanilla as I am. And I'm not fucking Russell Simmons or Harvey Weinstein or Bert Ratner or whatever.

I felt like I'd been like so judged for having being promiscuous or having sex or having a past or talking about sex and being in these relationships with these people who thought they liked me and then looked at me and go, Oh, I guess I'm okay with what you're doing. Or you're a little flirty on that podcast or you kind of reveal a little bit too much. Like, I don't know about that. And I, and I just thought like, Oh God, when am I going to like, why am I such, I guess I am a horror or a slut or a piece of shit or I'm not good enough or worthy of like, it's just, I don't know.

I'm rambling now because I'm tipsy, but it's Thanksgiving. But like, but yeah, I don't know. I've just hoped to be, I've been accepted by people that I'm dating a little on whatever you're talking about. Bob Marley's asking for. We want to be loved and we want to be accepted and forgiven. And, and it's, and it's, and it's a universal desire. And, and the problem is we need a way to do that in the extreme in our society that isn't

the death penalty. We need a way to do that in the, in the extreme for things yelling at me, God, when will you forgive the world? No, I, it's just like, it's a, it's a, it's a, uh, we're, we're going to run into a problem as the apocalypse happens, which is the veil is going to be lifted on everything. Yeah. And we're going to have to deal with the fact that like the way people act is not who they are. And it's a problem because we need to like learn how to like love the way a person is

and understand that this is a wound, but simultaneously the crazy feat that we need to come up with is a way to not enable them. It's like Gatsby. Yeah. Your dogs love me. Gatsby's figured out like when to like the, so it's like, how do we do that? How do you figure out a way to, you know, heal people when they're the worst fucking thing you could imagine as a society?

I don't know all the answers, but I do have to say it's the best outfit I've ever seen you in my entire life. Are you kidding? I'm not kidding right now. This is like a great outfit you're wearing. A black t-shirt and jeans. Much like what Louis C.K. wears. Oh, whatever.

No. Oh my God. No, you do look very handsome. And can I also say really quick, I'm sorry, and you're trying to get deep and political and whatever, but you know, it's probably going to have to land this plane soon, but you're followers because like we were going to podcast the other day and then I had like a panic attack, nervous breakdown kind of vibe and like we didn't podcast. And now we're here on Thanksgiving podcasting, but like I got like 200 new followers just

because you posted me on your Insta stories. Oh, that's cool. And they're all super sweet, like telling me about like supplements and like saying hello and they love you and they're like your followers, like the nicest people. They're sweeties. I know they're so nice. So thank you for introducing me to a slew of like all these like cool, like, I don't know. Are they mainly men?

What? Who are your like, who are the people who listen to your podcast? It's actually, I think there's a mix in there. It's not just mainly men. Yeah, not mainly men. Women probably love you and you're single now and like they're all coming after you and like, I'm furious. Oh God.

Are you furious? I said furious. Do you feel, oh, you're furious because we've kind of been dating. You and me? Do you feel like you're not, you shouldn't talk about that? That we're dating? Well, we've been like. Oh my God.

Are you drunk? I'm not drunk. Yes, we've been dating. Your whole thing is like, you're just saying how you wanted to be so revelatory about everything. Yeah, we're dating. Is that what it is? You and me? Yeah.

Stop picking your nose. That makes me feel like you think I'm. I'm scratching my nose. It's like disrespectful. What do you want me to say about us dating? I feel like. That's pretty cool though. I mean, I'm sorry.

Did I reveal too much? No, I feel like. You were just saying like when you were with men and then they were like, ah, you told, you said too much. I know. No, this is a nice thing because I feel like the weird thing is I feel like, oh my God, your dogs are making so much noise. Oh, it's really weird because getting ready to do your podcast.

I was like, so shy to do your podcast and I had like a nervous breakdown. Gatsby. Gatsby, we're talking. I'll have you euthanized. No, I would never. He's the greatest animal. Um, you made me wake up because I was like, fuck, I used to have my blog. I stopped doing that because the reason I stopped doing my blog is you asked me that

the other day to catch people up if they're even still listening to this podcast. But, uh, I stopped doing that blog because I got so sick of like inviting people into my life because people are so mean. Like, you know, like on Instagram, on YouTube, on podcasts, like comments and people, I got so sensitive. I like crumbled. So I stopped doing my, my blog and then I thought, I'll do my podcast. My podcast isn't as honest as my insta stories and it's not as honest as my blog used to be.

I don't know why. And then meeting you recently, it's so weird that I met you. You've made me want to up my game and go back to who I used to be or something. And it'd be really super honest. So like, anyway, thank you. So that's nice. So thank you for doing that. But yeah, we're dating.

It's cool for a moment. I don't know what's happening on it. I don't either. But I mean, what you were saying earlier was making me feel these like waves of guilt, which is like, oh my God, if the aesthetic that we're doing is that we have to be completely honest, then if this is the first thing we do together and we're not being like honest about what's happening. Oh my God, Duncan.

I can't believe that thing itself is like, you're so right. I had, why are you, I can't believe you're doing this right now. Well, yeah. So that's a good point. Yeah. I don't know what to say because it's like, oh, shit. I guess like the, if like the thing that we do is to in some way or another be like, all right, well, this is what's happening, be completely honest, like take the veil.

But that's so funny because you are not like any of those guys that I used to date because I feel like I could be. No, you're not. Who knows? Because you're like another version of me. You're like this, like, oh, I'm sick of living your life. Oh my God. I can think of things I wouldn't want to, on the air.

I can think of things I wouldn't want to share. Oh, well, this is what happened, but whatever we'll talk about. Listen, we just met. We just met, but I would get annoyed with guys who would say, well, we're not going to talk about me or you or like, don't share this, because I, I navigate in such a graceful way. I swear, like I know how to navigate a thing where I'm like respectful people's privacy. Sick of navigating. You're sick of navigating.

Aren't you? Not now. I like the word navigate. Like I'm just saying, like on my podcast, and I'm going to up my fucking game now because you've, you've inspired me like to, I don't know, you've just inspired me to be better. So like future podcasts from here on out are going to be way better because Duncan Frost will just inspire me. You inspired me.

Really? Yeah. But yeah, I feel like you're just the opposite to all those guys. Like that's why I was talking shit about men I've dated in the past, because I feel like you're like, I just, we seem so similar. Like these like, that's negative perma adolescent. That's not right. But like, I just feel like I was going to say perma adolescent, but that's not right.

That's like a negative. That's like pejorative, but like perma frost, but with adolescents. That'd be amazing if there's some part of the world that's just like permanently adolescent. What I mean is cause we're like searching, right? Like you're searching for something, right? And you like with honesty and all the stuff and like you're putting stuff out in the world and you are using yourself as a conduit to like, you're curious and you're learning about things and you're meeting people and you're talking to people and you're trying whatever it is you're

trying and I'm whatever like, so I just feel like we're so similar in our like quest towards whatever it is our quest is. So it's like, I don't feel like you could be like a light, like a shine stealer. You couldn't be a shine stealer. You couldn't be a shine. I have been. You have been. Absolutely.

Without growing that. But okay, whatever. Maybe you are. Forget it. Thank you for talking me out of having a crush on you. But also I feel like you and I have such like an ability to like communicate and talk about stuff and even like, you know, for the listeners who went to a party the other night and like, I can't believe you did this.

You did this Duncan. Like I was not going to talk about now. We're actually doing a podcast. Oh my God. It's true. Well, like we're at a party the other day. Well, I can't talk about this because you want me to keep this a secret and I'll respect that, but whatever we're at a party and you did something irritating or I thought was irritating

and I brought it up to you and you the way you communicated with me, you're like, Oh yeah, I just did that thing because I'm my own person. And I went, Oh yeah. And I respect you through pig's blood on a mask. Yes, he did. And I was like, but the funny thing was what was different with you was the minute you told me why you did what you did and then you just were like being yourself and stood up for yourself.

The minute you just like said anything to me, I have such respect for you. That I couldn't pull on my usual bullshit. I pull on past men because I've, first of all, I'm in a different place in my life. Also, I respect you so much. Also, we're so similar to podcasters. But anything could go wrong at any second. Do you feel like that? Like who cares?

So let it go wrong, but it has not gone wrong yet. No, but you are just out of a relationship. Yeah, that's true. But I mean, you do. I mean, that is like, there's no way. I'm fine. We're just living our lives when you get out of a relationship. There's no way that you could not have just gotten out of a relationship.

There's no way you're the one who told me not to worry about the fact that you just got out of a relationship. You told me not to let that detract. That shouldn't detract me from taking you seriously, right? Yeah. Because I don't want no one wants to feel like there should be. So I take you seriously. I don't want to thank you.

So you're just here. My new friend Duncan Trussell. You're very handsome. You're super neat. You make me want to be better. You say I do the same for you. Or maybe you do. And well, no, because you're aesthetic, like, you know, you're at the thing.

Are you going to delete this from your podcast? No. This is like, I'm so glad that we like hit this point. I wasn't sure. I was trying to abide by your rules, you know. I have no rule. I didn't know what happened. Oh my God.

Also, you met me at a weird time. I've been, I've been doing drugs. I probably, I'm not in the right frame of mind. What's your weird, what do you mean? What drugs? I don't know. What are you talking about? What drugs have I done recently?

Oh God, I can't even tell you. You don't want to know. I think I do know. I tried ketamine. I tried. Crazy. I did DMT for the second time. Well, you just sober up.

Well, you should stop being so bossy. I mean, psychedelics, are you kidding? Like we've got to like, here's what I think. And many of my listeners know that I think this, which is that the United States government has told us what intoxicants are the right ones to take if you want to live a productive life. That's alcohol, caffeine, and cigarettes.

Sure. Thank you for reminding me. And also like opiates. Like if the doctor prescribes it, Xanax, benzos, these are good, healthy drugs. The psychedelics, ketamine, MDA, MDMA, God forbid, LSD. MDA, yes, I tried that the other day. These will destroy a person's life.

I mean, if you start taking those, then the next thing you know, you'll start thinking that the most important thing is connection and love. And then, you know, what comes after that? What are you going to fucking join a fucking commune in Arizona? What? Change your name, go to Burning Man.

Alexi. Grow up, Loser! Alexi Trussell. This is good anyway. Are you blackout drunk right now? Do you know who we're revealing on this podcast right now? I think it's great. Okay.

But yeah, you shaken me up. It's so funny because I was like asleep, but like getting ready for this podcast, I was so nervous. That's what we couldn't do the other day. And then I like looked at my life and I was like, oh, what have I done? I know the blog and this and that and the whatever

and the soul chose. I'm trying to make a movie right now. I'm trying to be honest with who I am, but I just felt, I had felt so dead inside and I didn't realize how dead inside I felt. And then meeting you, it's so funny. Like even you talking to me about my podcast intros, because I've kind of fallen asleep at the wheel

and this will change whoever decides to follow me after this podcast anyway. But like, I have been asleep at the wheel and you said to me the other day, you went, because you really like my insta stories. I'm not putting these. Yeah, it's true. That's what you said to me.

100%. You're like, wow, you really differentiate your intro to your podcast from your insta stories. And I was like, oh my God, I know exactly what that means. I cannot believe you said it. Cause I already knew that. Like I was like, oh fuck Duncan Trussell sees me. He understands.

Like I'm like, phone it in with these like wrote podcast intros. I'm not being like as real or funny or like fucking honest as I could be, which is what I do on my insta stories. Why am I differentiating the two? So it's like so weird. Like even just meeting you, if only for that,

you've reawakened something in me where I'm like, get back to who you were when you were just some fucking kid. Like when I was doing my podcast. Oh no, my blog and like street teaming and like had a backpack on and I was like, I was like putting stickers. So that's wild that you would do that.

That's crazy. We didn't get into that. I would break into like high school campuses and like climb the fence of Hollywood High, Fairfax High, Marlboro, all girl private school. I would like break onto the campus, try to pretend I was a high school student with a hoodie on and like got stopped by the cops

and would like put stickers up and like go to Urban Outfitters and American Apparel and be like, oh, I'm affiliated with like Vice and American Apparel. I would just make up lies because it was like so like, I have to do this. I'm so believing this blog. I want people to get the word out.

And then I got a development deal on a show and I stopped doing the shit that got me the corporates. And so like, I forgot who I was. I stopped doing the shit that got me the attention because I thought, well, I'm going to get a show now. I've made it and like, and that's when I, and then I just like kind of slowly die and like things didn't go, it didn't happen.

And then I like just enchanted and it's weird like meeting you and doing my Instastories. And yeah, the Instastories. It's so funny. Instastories. It's so embarrassing. We need a better name. Because it's fun.

No, but that's what the name is. And it's like, it's so funny because that's like, oh, I'm getting back to the fun stuff. Being funny, being silly, being light, not so much pressure. It's just whatever. Who gives a fuck? Like youthful enthusiasm, like teenage, whatever. And like, and it's, and you zeroed in on that

and you like that and like, and then I met you and you're like, cause like we have been like this like lovely wake up reminder and like even, you know, I met you and I'm like writing this movie things. I thought, fuck it. I, all these shows I sold didn't get made. And I know I keep talking about myself. Forgive me, but it's a podcast.

And I'm just gonna talk about it. It's your episode. You're supposed to talk about yourself. But I, because of the interest I got in my blog, I got all these, like I sold like six TV shows. None of them got made and like every one of the, every time a show didn't get made, it was like a punch in the stomach.

And I, but I keep getting up. Like I do in love when I date, whatever you keep getting up, you keep, you keep getting up. And then at some point I just thought, oh my God, like, I can't, this is exhausting. And then I thought, I want to make a movie. I want to make, so I made a short film in 2016. I made a short film and that was so fun.

Over the course of a weekend, it cost $200 to make. It's screened at Cine Family, which is now like. Super great. Well, Cine Family is now in Tatters because like Hadrian from Cine Family is like, we found all these horrible things about it. Google him. It's like another wine scene, weird situation, whatever.

But it's, but at the time my short film screened at Cine Family. It was about a breakup, a cathartic breakup short film. And I felt, wow, like I'm alive again. And then I like did mushrooms alone. And I did all these things in 2016. I drove to Sundance the beginning of in a car. I drove to Sundance from LA to Sundance like in January. Like I was doing all these things to be like,

I want to do something that scares me like once a week or something. I'm like, we're all just going to die. It's just a question of when and how, whatever. And then, and then somehow after Sundance, I dated this Adderall addict who kind of like really judged everything I do and make. And he just made me go, fuck it. Fuck it.

I'm tapped out. I'm done. And then I thought, well, maybe I'll make a movie because I just like more, I'm more in control that I can make a, an indie movie for like a very little bit about money. And that'll be wonderful and inspiring. But I have been a bit dead inside. And then I met you and you're youthful, charming enthusiasm.

You know, like, yeah, you're like this magical person. So like in a way it's like, and I was too scared the other day, but now it's Thanksgiving or having a Rosé. And I feel safe with you to tell you, but and all your listeners, listeners shouldn't know like, yeah, it's like you've brought me back to life in this weird way. So I promise, I swear to God, from this day forward, all my work will be better.

I promise. Your work is already amazing. Well, thank you for reminding me because I forgot. I forgot. It's an easy thing. Well, no, this is. So thank you. I'm grateful for you.

This is what we, I'm thankful for you. But this is holding my hand. You can't see. This is what we call the satsang, which is that we're here to remind each other. This is the thing like the, the wave form of existence is, goes from being awake to asleep, literally. Like we, every time the planet rotates,

half of the planet is asleep and half of the planet's awake. It's the most psychedelic thing. It's Terrence McKenna talks about this. It's so psychedelic. The planet rotates. And when it rotates, half of the planet falls in to a deeply psychedelic state. They go into a coma, they close their eyes,

and they hallucinate for six to eight hours. Hopefully eight, you shouldn't just sleep for six. So that's called dreaming, right? So yeah, so this is like the, the pattern of life is to go asleep and to wake up. But also the pattern of personal growth is to fall asleep and to wake up. Am I waking up now?

Well, I hope so. I hope I am too. But the idea is you want to be around people who remind you to wake up. Yeah, that's you. You don't want to keep you asleep. Yeah. Because sometimes you can get around people.

Oh God. And they want you to stay asleep. And if you start waking up, they'll try to put you back to sleep. Yeah. Right. That's what you don't want. That can happen.

And that's like, if that happens to you, and this is in Buddhism, one of the prayers is, may you never fall into the company of bad men. And what that means is, don't get in a group of people who are dedicated to keeping each other asleep. Get around a group of people who are dedicated to the understanding that you're going to fall asleep.

I'm going to fall asleep. But when I'm asleep, will you please wake me up but do it in a compassionate way? I also feel like the universe has a way of waking you up where it's like, if you're meant to be doing something and you're not doing it, you're going to get shaken.

And they're going to shake you up, right? Yes. Like something will happen, but you won't listen to it. You won't listen to it. And then it happens again. It's bigger and it's bigger. And I felt like that happened to me in May.

And I got in a horrible car accident. And like, that's why I wanted to make my movie. I told you about this. This is boring because we already talked about it. No, tell the story again because it's insane. You were driving up what you were on the PCH or something. Well, I think I just get, I kept getting caught up in relationships.

Like the January story, like I met a guy at Sundance and he was an Adderall addict and he was horrible and was a horrible codependent, terrible relationship. If I had not gotten out of it, I probably would have died

because it was all about him. There's so much drama and sometimes you can get into a relationship where you can't pay attention to your life anymore because all the energy has to go towards the relationship. And it's a soul sucker. It's like, it's just like an energy draining suck and it's horrible.

But also it's kind of cool because you feel very important. It's very dramatic and it's very exciting because when you make up, it's sexy. Maybe there's a lot of attention put on you but not towards the greater good of your life. But like, so finally,

and man, I've been meaning to make this movie. I've been meaning to make this movie that I'm writing that I've told you about for years. I've been meaning to make it. But I would get like, instead I would make men the center of my life and I would get lost in men or lost in whatever I got lost

and that's my fault. And then in May, like this past May, I, yeah, I was like, oh God, should I tell you this story? Yeah. In May, I was like, living my life. I was, I borrowed like my mom's like some weird old-timey SUV Ford Explorer

and I was like picking up my dad's photos. He's a photographer. I got them framed from someplace. And Marina Del Rey. Julian Wasser, famous photographer. We don't talk, but whatever. I hope he's alive and well. Let me know if he's alive still, you guys.

Okay, but so I went to some, but even though I don't get along with my father I have incredible respect for him. So he told me, if you ever get my photos framed, go to this place, Marina Del Rey. So I did that. And so I borrowed my mom's shitty Explorer, picked these photos up

from the framing place in Marina Del Rey. I was driving and I'm on this freeway. I don't know what freeway it was, but it's like this very, very high up, like narrow neck of the freeway. And it's like where it meets like the 405. And it's like this narrow neck of the freeway that meets the 405 is like so high up above another freeway.

You could like go there to commit suicide. So I'm like on this neck of the freeway. And all of a sudden I start weaving and I'm not texting. I'm not in the story. I'm not listening to the radio. I'm just fucking and I go, what the fuck? What's going on?

And I'd never experienced this. So I didn't know what was happening, but my back tire blew out. So, so like, and so my car was lost control. And luckily there was no traffic coming there. There were no other cars, but I'm just like completely just like weaving left and right, left and right.

And all of a sudden I start doing donuts, which are like, I start doing like just fucking, I do six complete circles just like and I'm like thinking because it's slow motion. I'm just in my car going, oh my fucking God, what the fuck? Like no other cars are coming. But I'm just doing these circles. I go, oh my God, is this how I'm fucking going to die?

Because we all know we're just going to die. It's just like a question of one and a half. Like I go, oh my fucking God, I can't believe this is how I'm going to die coming from the framer. This is crazy. So I do six complete circles and I come out of that and I start like, and I start like, I go backwards towards like the partition, the railing of the freeway.

And I'm like just like careening towards like this partition that's like very low or whatever it is, very, what's the word short? I don't know who cares. It's low and I think like, and if I go over this thing, I'm going to plummet to my death. I go, oh my God, like when am I going to hit air? When is the pain going to hit me?

I can't fucking believe this. I'm careening towards this partition. I'm going to go over and like, and I just like, I'm like, all of a sudden I'm like praying. I'm like speaking to my angels and I'm like, I'm like, angels, angels, no, I don't want to die. It's not how I want to die. I don't want to die.

I can't believe this. I didn't get to make my movie. I didn't get to make my movie. And I didn't think like, oh, I'm not in love. I didn't have a baby. I didn't, weirdly like the thing that I'm like talking to my angels, all of a sudden I'm having a conversation with angels.

I didn't even realize I had, but I'm like talking to angels, being like, I didn't get to make my movie, which is this thing I've been putting off for fucking many years, getting caught up in like men that are wrong for me or things that are wrong for me. And like, and so I hit the partition and I think I'm about to go over all the glass blows out of the back of the car. I go, I go, I get thrown thrust back into the middle

of the freeway diagonally. I stop all of a sudden, like 50 cars, all of a sudden here are the cars coming, come around from the bend. And I go, oh shit, fuck, I didn't go over the edge. But now all these cars are going to bash into me. This is how I'm going to die. Is this how I'm going to die?

And I didn't know this, but later I heard that there was like some rule where you're not supposed to get out of a car and I'm moving freeway because then another car will surely hit you. But I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. So I get out of the car, I grab my phone, I'm shaking, my right leg is like buckling about to buckle, shaking. And I jump out of the car and I just start like running

to traffic and going, help stop, please no. And all these other cars are like, fuck you, get out of the middle of the road. What the fuck? Like, because I think I like wanted to be there or whatever. But like, and luckily no car fucking hit me and some people helped me and it's really weird because like one guy pulled over and goes, he starts walking towards me.

And I think, oh, maybe I'm going to meet the love of my life. Maybe I'm going to have some kind of love connection here. This one guy goes, he goes, Alexi. And I went, Josh. And it was like the husband of one of my friends who just happened to be on the freeway and I got in his car and he like, anyway, long story longer. Like, yeah, I didn't fucking die in this crazy car wreck.

And like, and my main concern in that moment was making a movie. So like, that's my main goal now. But like, yes, but you've awoken me. The car crash that I nearly died and awoken me. And like, yeah, I don't know the point of all this stuff was, but I'm glad I'm alive. The point is that you, that's no, that's crazy. And in that moment of realizing why you want to be alive

is such an important moment because that's the Victor Frankel who I've told you about, who wrote Mansearch for Meaning and developed this type of therapy called Logos Therapy. He would ask his patients, why don't you kill yourself? Why don't you kill yourself? That's so funny. Yeah. And the answer came to you as your car was spinning.

And why, well, let me ask you this. Yeah. Why do you want to make your movie? I don't even know if I do anymore. No, I do. You know why I want to make my movie? There are a bunch of reasons because I, again, it's just an all in extension of like all the other stuff.

I want to be the most honest. I can possibly be, be so vulnerable and raw with like my own experiences and put them into this movie so other people can watch me and be go, wow, me too. Or that gives me permission to do whatever or I feel less alone. But also I love being in the doing of things because then I can get out of my head. Like when you're like shooting something, when you're, even when you're writing something, when you're watching a movie,

whatever, when you're writing a thing, when you're shooting something, your like time is different. It's just different. And there's no time for me to be making myself suffer and overthinking and thinking I'm not enough or wondering what that look from that stranger was at the party or if people like me and all this stuff and like, because that's a big part of things I like to talk about like internal suffering and spiraling and like insecurity and like, you know,

all the ugly things that people you're supposed to front, like you're so cool and you have everything together. I like talking about all that shit because I feel like that's so universal and real. And when does everybody have to, when do you decide you have to make everything be perfect? But anyway, I get out of my head. So it makes me happier to be in the doing of the making of a thing. And I think making a feature would be like something I'd like to.

Yeah, that would help me get out of my own head. It'd be like therapeutic and I'd be proud of myself. And it's like the life fulfillment thing. Cause like if we are just all going to die and maybe this like lifetime is like, so our souls evolve and you get to the next thing or you learn a thing and we are going to die or whatever the fuck happens after all this, it's like, well, cool. So what do I want to do? I want to try mushrooms.

I'm going to try MDMA. I'm going to have a lot of great sex. I'm going to like have a great dinner with a bunch of friends and chair. I'm going to make a movie. Wow, I fucking made a movie. That's cool. I'm going to go get up on stage and do stand up. I'm going to like, you know what I mean?

So it's like all the things are just like, you do all the things. Cause it's just cool to do all the things. Yeah. Yeah. Cause it's beautiful. Yeah. It's bringing beauty into the world. Yeah.

Um, anyway, oh God, I could tell you a million more things, but I won't tell you all these things. But, uh, we'll do more podcasts. We have to do more podcasts now that we're, where can people find you? Where can people find me? Yeah. Instagram and Twitter at Alexi Wasser. And I like to DM with strangers so that could get real weird and fun. Um, and then, and then my podcast love Alexi on iTunes.

You, you, you're open to everyone. It's a really beautiful thing. I like, cause I feel like there's a freedom in talking to strangers. Like I love it when people DM me and I'll talk to everybody because I'm the only child living my life alone, longing for connections. So it's so fun. And, and also you can be more of your true self because nobody has some like, uh, preconceived notion of you.

No one DM hands off you guys. You better DM me you guys at Alexi Wasser. Love Alexi on iTunes. I'm gonna wait for you. Subscribe if you. Great. Okay. Um, yeah.

And then I'll tell you about Russell Simmons almost raping me and, uh, almost having such a Jason Segal later. I can't believe I blew that. I know. It's a huge, And one of my best friends was accused of rape and I get, I keep getting bullied on the internet, uh, about people wanting me to talk about it.

And I had a really wonderful exchange finally with a girl who was bullying me saying my deaf, my silence is deafening. I'm not talking about my best friend who was accused online of, of raping people. And we had a wonderful exchange and we got through it. And it was so interesting to have this like lovely communicative exchange with a stranger because yeah, the internet's fucking screaming lately. And it's like, anyway, but it's going to be okay. What do you think is like, what, what would the, like, once we get the masculine and feminine

energies, like balanced out here, what do you think the perfect world looks like? The perfect world? Yeah. Like, what would it look like? Like, if you. We'll never have that. No, I know, I know. That's part of it.

You need the contrast to know the good stuff, right? Oh, okay. All right. But let's just imagine I've given you access to the simulation to the computer running the simulation and you could then in some way to the best of your ability, produce a utopia where the masculine and feminine energies have finally been balanced. What would it look like? Oh, God.

Well, I would like to imagine that we live in a world where it's not one or the other, where it's not like men completely terrified of women because they don't want to come off as rapists. And because I feel like that's what we're getting to right now where men are like, Oh, I'm not going to do anything. I'm terrified. I'm going to hide under this rock. And like, it's like, there isn't in between.

There's a happy meeting between that and like full on rapist fucking piece of shit. But, uh, I don't know. What is it? It's a man. So when on a date, he pays for the first dinner and all the stuff after that's utopia to you. It's guys. Utopia is people treating other people the way they want to be treated, even though that seems sick and twisted and not right either.

Cause like, who knows what people want and what their weird fetishes are. I don't know. Kindness, grace, communication. I don't fucking know. Being your most honest self. And then you find your people, you find your tribe of people, right? I don't know. How do we get closer to that?

How do we get closer to that? You have to learn to not be afraid to be who you are and communicate and say what you need, right? And then you have to, I don't know, be empathetic and loving and not reactive and like, and be okay to say no and wish people well when it's not right. And then you go find your thing. I'll go find my thing and then, and listen to your intuition. And I suppose like you're, I know you don't meditate.

I know you, you're a big advocate of not meditating or whatever I hear about you. You meditate so you can tune into, I mean, I think it's the voice of God. That's your intuition. Like, but if that makes you not want to follow me on Instagram, don't get scared. Um, but I don't know. You listen to your intuition, a little voice inside you that's like God telling you what to do. I don't know.

I have no answer for that. I'm too tipsy. I'm just saying you just gave a lot of great answers. I hope so. I don't know. Alexi Wassert. Thank you so much for being on the show. You're amazing.

I'm so lucky that I get to hang out with you at all. You're super cool. Thank you. Thank you. Howdy Krishna. That was Alexi Wassert everybody. All the links you need to find Alexi will be at DuncanTrussell.com. Much thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode.

Remember, go to squarespace.com, use offer code Duncan to get 10% off a new domain name or a brand new website. If you like this podcast, why not subscribe to us at Patreon by going to patreon.com.com. Subscribe to us on iTunes, give us a nice rating. Give your life a nice rating. I will see you all very soon. Hare Krishna. 10 new camera wooden box with a lens on it.

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