Duncan Trussell Family Hour - DEREK WATERS!

Episode Date: June 4, 2014

Derek Waters returns to the DTFH to talk about the new season of drunk history.  Also never before heard clips from the upcoming season!!!

You've been making better decisions for your busy family for years and now little by little you're making decisions for yourself. Like snacking a little better, going a little further, sleeping a little deeper. We're here to make that journey easier and even more rewarding with Acme's new Sincerely Health Platform featuring nutrition plans, prescription reminders and more. Sign up in the Acme Mobile app to earn up to $25 in grocery rewards. Visit AcmeMarkets.com slash help for more details. Hello pals, it is I, Duncan Trussell.

Today is June 3rd, 2014 and we have lost one of the great outcomers of our time. Alexander Shulgin, the father of ecstasy has vanished from this particular note of the universe. But if you've ever had an incredible MDMA trip, you owe a giant thank you to this humble wizard who spent the majority of his life working in the laboratory on substances that have the potential not only to heal the human mind, but to transform human society. Given to ancient noise, they can chance a brand new dance, twist the way the gates are still. Twist away, not twist and show, the earth it moves too slow. But the earth is all we know, we pay to play the human way, twist the way the gates are still.

Oh man, it's real, that made it still. Gates of Steel by Devo, you can find it on iTunes, Amazon, anywhere. Okay, so I'm just going to play a few clips related to Alexander Shulgin and then we're going to get going with this podcast because I bet some of you out there have no idea who this guy is. So rather than me stumble through a description of Shulgin, let's have one of the great psychonaut geniuses of our time who's probably floating around somewhere in Alpha Centauri having tea with Shulgin at this very moment. Here's Terence McKenna talking about who Alexander Shulgin is. Alexander Shulgin, Sasha to his friends,

is nothing less than the godfather of psychopharmacology, an expert on the cyclosized phenylethylamines, that is, psychoactive compounds useful in the emotional recovery of traumatic events. Shulgin has given his life to the study of the pharmacology of the psychedelic experience. And here's Shulgin at a lecture talking about why he got into his particular line of work. Central blockade between these inner worlds, which I could feel can be penetrated only with the words and the tools and the understanding that may be most easily obtained through the area of psychedelic experiences. William Blake said in the marriage of heaven and hell, man has no body distinct from the soul, for that called body is a portion of soul,

discerned by the five senses. The chief inlets of soul in this age, energy is the only life and is from the body. And reason is the bound or outward circumference of energy. Energy is eternal delight. These are responses to a heartfelt need for some vocabulary to allow the establishment of a dialogue that might diffuse the accelerating mad moves toward extinction. My personal philosophy might well be lifted directly from Blake. I must create a system or be slayed by another man. I may be wrong, but I must do what I'm doing. And I will do what I can just a second. I will do what I can as fast as I can. What you're hearing there is a super genius who was brought to tears by his understanding that he only had a limited amount of time

to do some very important work here on this planet. Okay pals, we got a great podcast for you today with Derek Waters, the creator of Drunk History, but first some business. Here's a song many millennials have never, ever heard and that's so sad. I might fall from a tall building, I might roll a brand new car, cause I'm the unknown stuntman who made Redford such a star. Ah, the fall guy. Remember the 80s when your parents were getting divorced and you turned to your crappy TV to try to ignore the fact that the one source of stability in your life, the bond between your mother and your father was rapidly decaying and falling apart just

like the polar ice caps are doing right now. The fall guy, the A team, the greatest American hero, these are the shows that allowed ourselves to distract ourselves from the fact that the universe is a constantly changing thing and that no matter how much you try to hold on to something, especially the bonds of marriage between parents in the 80s during the divorce boom, those things are going to collapse and disintegrate. But you know what didn't collapse and disintegrate? The A team, the A team always stuck together, the greatest American hero with his clumsy superpowers or the fall guy. These were always there for us and they have vanished into oblivion. Look, I'm sure you can find crappy, fuzzy uploads of the fall guy on YouTube, but if you go to Hulu Plus,

you can watch the fall guy, the A team, the greatest American hero and the Hulk is even there. Do you remember those? If you're a millennial and you haven't had a chance to see what TV was like back in the 80s when script writers were using air hoses to blast cocaine directly into their brains as they wrote the fever dream like shit scripts that made up what we consider to be the height of television back in the 80s, then you must go visit these shows. You've got to go watch them. If you haven't seen a full episode of the A team, then you haven't truly lived as a human being. If you haven't witnessed the insane homoerotic melodrama of the Hulk, then you must immediately go sign up for Hulu Plus. I like Hulu Plus because it has the entire criterion collection

and now that I have discovered that the entire seasons, entire seasons of the A team are located on Hulu Plus. Entire seasons of the Hulk are located on Hulu Plus. I am even more in love with this company, which is sponsoring this podcast in which I can shamelessly promote because it's something I really enjoy and something I use all the time. You can get it on Apple TV, on your iPad, on Xbox, it's everywhere. And right now you can get it for free by going to HuluPlus.com slash DTFH. They will give you two full weeks, two weeks of full access, completely free. Go gaze into the creepy fever dream that was 80s television. And when you get bored of that, you can watch the entire criterion collection, the daily show, lost tons of shows that are out on

TV right now and the world news. They're sponsoring this podcast. A great way to support us is to sign up by going to HuluPlus.com slash DTFH. You'll get two weeks free. Yay! We have a new sponsor to the Dunkin' Trussell Family, our podcast. We are now sponsored by Nature Box. For those of you who don't know what Nature Box is, Nature Box is a company that allows you to sign up to receive packages filled with healthy, delicious snacks. When Steve told me they wanted to sponsor the podcast, I was very excited, but I'd never tried Nature Box before, so I had them send me a box of Nature Box snacks just to make sure that they didn't taste horrible, because usually things that are supposedly healthy taste awful or don't taste like anything at all.

I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the snacks are really good. I particularly enjoy the Santa Fe corn sticks. Now, one big problem that I have and the reason that I have love handles and a droopy body a lot of the times and throughout most of my life have enjoyed moobs is because if snacks are laying around my house, I'll eat it no matter what it is. For example, Milano cookies. I don't know if you've ever bought a package of Milano's with the insane idea that you are going to sort of ration the Milano's out throughout the rest of the week. Generally, if I buy a bag of Milano's, I will finish the entire bag before I get home from the grocery store. And if I do make it home from the grocery store, then I'll drink half a bottle of milk as

I slurp back the Milano's and try to ignore the fact that I am completely out of control of my body and I'm like some something trapped inside a giant cookie eating robot that has gained control of its steering wheel. Well, the cool thing about NatureBox is that they will supply you every month with a giant box of healthy snacks. They've got a tiered plan. You can get a box of five packages. I would not recommend that if you are a marijuana connoisseur at least. They have 10 packages and then they have the one that I would probably recommend, which is you get 20 full size snack packages. And these are guilt free, healthy style snacks. For example, I'll read you what's on the Santa Fe corn sticks. I've finished half the bag this morning. Let's see, there are five

servings per container, 140 calories per serving. So that means you're going to get probably five servings for me. That means that's one serving, two servings maybe. So I don't know, we're looking at 280 calories. We've got here's the ingredients. This is what's important about this. The ingredients aren't insane weird chemicals that you can't pronounce that more than likely will transform your prostate into something that resembles Godzilla's eyeball. These are things like yellow corn masa, soybean oil, green pepper powder, onion powder, natural flavoring, spices and herbs, Toriula yeast, beet powder, and annatto. And this contains milk. So anyway, the whole point is these are chemicals that aren't going to make your insides

turn into a slushy of toxins and rotting meat. Nature box. Check them out. Naturebox.com. If you go to naturebox.com forward slash family hour, you can get half off your first box. So what that means is you can order 20 of these snack packages for 25 bucks. That's a really good deal because this is healthy food and usually healthy food is damn expensive. So here's some guilt-free snacking. You know when you're super high because you've eaten a chiba chew or something and you're, I don't know, eating like let's say that you've just broken down, which I did recently and have purchased like some form of like, I don't know, doom snack where the bag is fluorescent and kind of glows and you just know and I'm when I eat this stuff, this can't be good for me. And then

your breath stinks for the next nine hours and your poop smells like the vomit of an Ebola child and his last, having his last seizures and a fever tent in Africa. You don't want that. You don't want that kind of stinky doom poop and you know as you're eating it because you're high, you're aware of the fact that what you're doing is essentially, you might as well go down to Fukushima and just start eating mud because it's probably that bad for you. Naturebox has solved this problem so that you can get high and not feel guilty as you're eating healthy snacks. Are you going to eat the entire bag in one sitting? You probably are. If you're me, I'm about to do that as soon as I finish recording this commercial, but at least you know when you're consuming that bag, you're

not consuming things, chemicals that the government created back in the 40s when they were trying to figure out a way to bring Abraham Lincoln back to life. Naturebox, go there. Naturebox.com Ford slash family hours. Sign up. You get half off and you just, if you want to just try them out, get the $19.95 box. You'll get it for $10 and you'll get five healthy snacks that you can pick what snacks you want in there or if you're like me and just enjoy getting weird grab bag stuff, you can just tell them to send you whatever and you'll get some great treats. Hare Krishna. Thank you Naturebox for sponsoring this podcast. A big thanks to all of you who have been buying t-shirts from the Duncan Trestle family hour store. We've got some new shirts coming

in and much thanks to those of you who continue to donate to this podcast and to send me messages through the contact section located at DuncanTrestle.com. And of course, thank you to those of you who continue to use our Amazon portal located at DuncanTrestle.com. The next time you want to buy something at Amazon, why not dive through our portal? It costs you nothing and Amazon will give us a small percentage of anything you buy. There's no need to go to the chain stores anymore and risk somebody cutting your ears off and carrying them back to their yurt where they're going to sew them on the corpse of their dead mom. Is that where you want your ears to go? Of course not. So why would you go to a chain store? Go through our portal. Go through our

portal located at DuncanTrestle.com. And if you're in Utah and you happen to be listening to this on the week of June 3rd this Friday and Saturday, I'm going to be performing at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City with the great Joey Diaz. You can go to DuncanTrestle.com and get tickets there. All right, today's guest Derek Waters is the creator of the world famous and much celebrated comedy series Drunk History. He let me be in one Tesla versus Edison and I'm going to be in this newest season of Drunk History that's coming out on Comedy Central in July. I went down to Los Angeles Center Studios and sat in Derek's office for this and as always was amazed by how humble and cool a person who has two seasons of a show on network television and who has his own office at Los

Angeles Center Studios has somehow managed to be. Everybody please open your heart chakras, send out your love, and don't forget to watch the new season of Drunk History coming out in July. Now welcome to the DuncanTrestle Family Hour podcast, the beautiful man himself, Derek Waters. I am here with Derek Waters and we are recording from Los Angeles Center Studios in the heart of beautiful downtown Los Angeles where Derek is in the post-production phase of his hit show Drunk History entering into its second season on Comedy Central and I'm going to be in this season. What? You are? Unless you cut me out. Wait, I do that intro again. Okay. You can keep rolling. I am here in beautiful downtown Los Angeles at the luxurious Hollywood Center Studios

home to the, I don't know, the view. The view shoots here. There's the view. Mad Men. Home to Mad Men, that's it. Here, no, let this one. Oh wait, I thought it was going to start right up. No. I was trying to do, there's no business like show, but I can lay it in. Fuck it. We'd like to keep it real every time, every time you and I do this. Well, this is our third time. I don't want this to be the worst. I want this one to be the best. Well, this is the, as far as I'm concerned, this is the best because we're in LA Center Studios. I mean, what is there to worry about when you're here? Well, it must, it's got to feel good to have an office in LA Center Studios. It's got to feel good to wake up in the morning, drive here.

I remember when I've worked here, I've worked here twice, two little writing jobs and I was so excited about it. And I remember it feels real. It feels like, whoa, I have a job. It feels so cool. You sort of, you drive in, you go to the gate, you get this pass. I still remember the smell of this place, the smell of a studio has a very certain smell. It has this weird smell to it that reminds you of success. Yeah, success. It makes you feel successful. Yeah. And then as soon as your show's done, they paint over the fucking walls and won't let you back in. Even if you've been bringing bagels to the guard for the last two months, he'll act like he didn't know you the moment that pass expires. That show got canceled. Yeah, it's over. It's over. See ya. Next time. See ya.

Good try. But yeah, it does feel, I didn't go to college. And to me, this feels like the closest I've ever been to college where it's a bunch of people all at one place, studying for one thing in different categories. I didn't know you didn't go to college. Well, I went to community college for a semester left with a 4.0 not to brag. I took English and acting. I can talk and act. So you're sort of, that's pretty amazing. So you went to community college for one semester and that's when you came to Los Angeles right after that? Sorry, I'm drinking Diet Dr. Pepper, which is the best diet drink. No, it isn't. It is the best. It's definitely not. However, it's a taste. Everyone has a taste. You know, that's my opinion. I know a lot of people who like Diet Dr. Pepper, but it's

just, it's swell. It's so good. It's swell. So after community college, I moved to Toronto when I was 19 and studied second city up there. And that, how long did you study second city? Six months. And that's when you came to LA? Then I came out and towed my Pontiac Grand Dam, 96 GT out here in 2000. It's 2014 now, right? Yep. 14 years. 14 years. Q, Q, the guns and roses, 14 years. So do they have a song called 14 years? 14 years. Yes. Okay, hold on. Let me check something here. I just want to make sure you must be fucking tired. I'm tired as fuck. What are your days like? What are your work days like? Well, what time do you have to get here? This way. Today is what? What's today's date? I have no idea. June 1st. June 1st. June 1st.

Our show premieres July 1st. Yes. We have one episode locked. Oh god. Tomorrow there will be two episodes locked, but every day is editing. So we do like an editor's cut is one day, then a director's cut, then two producer's cuts, then three network cuts, and then you color it, and then you sound mix it, and then you have to go through legal, which you know, those are the best emails to get, and especially with this show. What's an example of one? We'll pause while you look for that. Yeah. So here's an example of what we have to bleep. Okay. And it has the time code, which at 14 seconds, the word fucking, 27 seconds, fucking, 30, fucking, 39, shit, 43, fucking, 43, fucking. Who's is this? 52, fucking twice.

Who's is this? Well, I think that's part of the love letter, like the opening. Let me get to yours. I'm not sure, but I'm going to guess it's in this. Cock is capped, but sucker isn't. So I can, it can go beep, sucker. You got that. That makes sense. You got a, you got a sensor at a 647 cunt, fucking shit, fucking shit, fucking shit, bullshit, shit, fucking, shit. Wait, you're about to hear the best part. Fuck, fuck, fucked, fucking, shitting, fucking, fucking, thanks. Why do you have to, they say thanks. Yeah, like ending an email. So that, so you're, you, you cannot say shit. I thought you could say shit. Um, you can after, you can say dick. Yeah.

You can't say shit. Why? Comedy central. It's not comedy central. They don't care. They care. Comedy central cares. They don't care. I can, you, I think you, you can say dick after 10. I'm being dead serious. That's a real rule. What kind of world, what kind of country do we live in, man? Doesn't that stuff kind of like vaguely creep you out a little bit that there's actually language sensors that sit and, and like kind of like have to listen to this stuff and like, oh, can't say fuck, can't say fucking, can't say shit. Like that doesn't hurt anyone. Like how does the use of those words in any way have any impact? Have you ever heard a five-year-old talk these days? It's like listening to fucking NWA. Five-year-olds are just spewing garbage these

days. They've got potty mouths. Everyone's cursing. Did I tell you about the five-year-old I heard eating, uh, having lunch with his mom up in Big Sur? Nope. Uh, this is great. She goes, oh, Randy, I think you would like this. And she points to something on the menu and the little boy goes, but mommy, is it gluten free? Oh, no, that's cute. Isn't that cute? That's a cute little boy. And then she threw him off the sea cliffs and a fucking killer whale ate his ass. A bunch of fucking garbage. Goddamn. You think gluten free? His first word was gluten. I think a lot of kids are not getting named gluten. I bet parents are regretting naming their kids gluten these days. You think? Yeah, because everyone hates it. If you had a kid, what would you hope his or her first

word would be? I would hope it would be like a big word that I didn't teach him. Something incredible. Do I only get one word? Yeah, it's his first word. Reincarnated. Oh, so he's like letting you know he used to be your dog? Yeah, hopefully. Yeah, actually, that'd be pretty cool. But you know, that'd be cool. It'd be cool to have it. You know, the idea of these sapphire kids, I think is what they're called, or the turquoise kids. You ever heard of this? Is that a sign? Like a birth sign? What? No, there's these kids called turquoise kids and they are sapphire kids. Hold on one second. Yeah, they're these kids called sapphire kids. Yeah, and I think it's sapphire. It's some stone or something. Well, sapphire is a stone.

Lavender kids. But basically, these are kids that all of them have, I can't really remember the details. I think they have speckled, their eyes are speckled with gold and they can tell the future and you have them and suddenly they will know how to play piano already or they'll know how to juggle or they'll be able to like put your dog to sleep by waving their hand. They have magical powers. And the idea is that the world right now, the planet is on the verge of this incredible moment that happens to all planets that have sentient life on them. And so it's all these beings are wanting to incarnate on this planet right now, because to be on a planet when it enters into the next phase of evolution is just it's like, you know, getting onto like a new ride

at Disneyland or something. Who doesn't you get that fresh new rides? As long as you get the fast pass. Well, you got to get the fast pass in Disneyland. You have to get the fast pass in Disneyland. You got to be unethical most of the time. You got to wait an hour, you know, but it's worth it. To get the fast pass? Well, you get the fast pass and then you got to come back an hour later. Why? Oh, because they schedule you in. Yeah, they schedule you. Right. Yeah, so you just go to the Tiki Room or whatever you want. I'm obsessed with Disneyland. I'm thinking about going this Wednesday. You shouldn't go during the summer. You know the best times to go? September and October. Why? Well, school starts. Oh, right. Whether in October. Oh, God, you're right. It's just a meat can

full of measly kids. Yeah. You know, measles are on the coming back. No. Fuck yeah. When did that start? The anti-vaxxers are. I don't want measles. Well, for adults to get measles, it's bad. Well, how am I going to avoid it? You can't. If you go to, if you're a fan of Disneyland, you might as well just get your measles vaccines. You're asking for measles. Or anything. You know, if you really think about it, let me tell you a little, are you ready for a fact that's going to change your summer for the worst? I'm going to tell you something I just found out and then let's talk about it. Do you know that the smell of chlorine? I love that smell. Okay. Well, do you know what that smell really is? Oh, God. Can I tell you what it really is? What? The smell of chlorine is not the smell

of chlorine. The smell of chlorine is the smell of piss being burnt away by the chlorine. So, you know, like sometimes you go in a pool and you're like, man, why did they use so much chlorine in this pool? Or you're thinking like, God, do they really need to put this much chlorine in? You feel kind of irritated with the pool owners because you, you feel like, why in the name of God just put it, you don't need to put such huge amounts of chlorine in your fucking water, man. There's no pool owner who's like, let's add extra chlorine. Let's pour more of the chemical. So, you're saying that's piss. It means that there's more piss in the pool. Well, I like the smell of piss. Well, the smell of piss is great, but not chlorine. And not asparagus piss, but regular piss. Just

healthy American summertime pee. Yeah. Like the yellow, like after you took like a little too many like healthy vitamins when it's like fucking sunlight, too bright pee, I feel like, man, I'm doing something good. Like if you don't go to the gym, but you're like, I'm just gonna piss it out, man. Look at the beauty of the, of how beautiful that pee is. Yeah. Do you remember the first time you pissed? No, I don't. Do you? I remember my brother making me pee into this thing. This is really weird. I had this like, I think it was like a fire. What do you call those things? You can't park too close to fire hydrants. It was a fire, like a toy fire hydrant. And it was like having his friends. And, you know, I was like, seven or something like, Derek, you should just piss

in this. It'll be funny. And so you're older brother. Yes. Okay. So I pee in it. And it just like goes everywhere. It goes three different directions. Like, it was so funny. And I was like, why the fuck did you just piss all over the carpet? Yeah, we were in the family room. Like, because my brother told me to. But I remember seeing a girl piss for the first time. And that freaked me out. When was this? Like kindergarten, like, like, I like went into the wrong bathroom. And she didn't know how to pee. And she was, I was like, why are you sitting down? You stand up. And like, so she stood up and like, I think some got on me. But it really freaked me out. Like seeing pee like spray like that. Oh, it's crazy when you start when you start realizing

like that girl's pee and when you when you're what a girl's pee is like, it's spray. Yeah, it's fucking gross. Well, I wouldn't say it's gross necessarily depends who the girl is. Have you ever had a golden shower? Yeah, you have. Have you? Yeah. But I did it. It was my own. You peed on yourself? I was around. You peed on yourself? Yeah. That's not a golden shower. That's like a golden sprinkler. True. Yeah, you can't give yourself a golden shower. Yeah, you can. You can. I mean, it's like, it's a way to like, it's a way to romanticize pissing yourself. I'm saving water. Oh, you just say, no, you just say, look, it looks like I piss myself, but this I was giving myself a golden shower. It's not that I couldn't control myself. It's

that I decided to piss on myself. I thought it'd be fun. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, you know, I think it's a very weird thing that water comes pouring out of us. It's something that you usually like, I can remember like when I was first starting to take LSD and you know, how old were you? I was probably 15 or 16. And I remember like you take acid and you inevitably have to piss and you're peeing and you're looking down at the toilet and you're seeing all those bubbles. And you think to yourself, this is the most beautiful universe there has ever been, because even our piss looks so perfect. And I could never, like if someone told you, you know, draw piss bubbles or create. You can't draw. You can't do it. Picasso tried. Couldn't do it.

Yeah, that was his great. That's why he was depressed. Yeah. He could never quite capture the glory of piss bubbles. Yeah. But when you start seeing that kind of like, when you sort of. Let me add to your piss bubbles, please. Because I've realized I need to go to Rouse when I get home because I've been having this flashback of being a kid at my grandma's house and taking a piss and they had that blue shit in the toilet. Yeah. And so you would pee on that blue stuff. And it looks so cool. Yep. The weird blue chips. Yeah. Who knows what chemicals are in that? Who knows? Who knows? We'll just find, you know, you know where one of those factories is because that's where all the kids have like tails and scaled faces. You know, this stuff's terrible for

you. It's got to be. But the beauty of the universe, that's the crazy thing, man. Any kind of great psychedelic or religion or religious experience kind of shows you how like even the most deplorable things or the things that are meant to be done in private or hidden or or really just on then their own. Incredibly beautiful. Yeah. Before you add anything to them, you know, just how the universe is spontaneously beautiful with no effort. It doesn't do anything. It just makes things beautiful constantly. Even though, you know, when you look through like if you watch one of those like scary into the world movies like Koina Squatsy or whatever it's called, where it shows the bulldozers chugging away, just digging through like wastelands and smoke rising up and old computers thrown

as high as the sky with little children picking through it like buzzards going through dead possum entrails. When you look at that, it still there's this beauty to it. The apocalypse is beautiful. Destruction is beautiful. The worst of the worst things you can imagine. You know, there's a great fucking book I almost bought on, I can't, I don't know how you pronounce it, Ossiaries? Ossiuary? It's like there used to be a tradition to take a skeleton of a monk or a king or and put them in beautiful robes with like holding their jaw, their jaw together with like golden plates and they're these like crypts all over Europe where you can go and it's just these sculptures made of skulls and it's fucking beautiful. You're so smart. I mean, you must read

every day. I do not. I wish I did. How do you know everything? I don't know everything. You know everything, you're just smart as I am. You know a lot of shit. Not really, man. I just, I think I, when I, I think that I, sometimes it sounds like I do, but not really. I don't know and the people who really know a lot of shit are clever. Will you have some Koresh qualities? Koresh qualities? David Koresh. Well, thank you. Like I mean that as in like you could tell, like everything you just told me could be bullshit. Not bullshit. I know it's not because I know you, but I'm saying if I was a naive little young boy not knowing where to go and I heard you say that I would go tell me more, tell me more and I would. Tell me more about the pretty skeletons. I'm just saying

like you are a leader. You're a leader. What is Duncan? Do you know what the word Duncan means? I think it means dark warrior. That makes sense. Just like the pencil. There's a dark warrior pencil. I think so. You've been told that. I don't know. You know, man, I don't think. You are a warrior. I think we're all. I don't think you're dark though. I think you can go dark, but who, who can't? Who? Why wouldn't you? The only person that doesn't go dark is dishonest. The darkest of the darks is the one who doesn't go dark. It's the one in denial. No, it's the liar. The dark. Yeah, it's the, it's if you don't, if one people are like, that's too dark. Like, oh, I'm sorry. I told the truth. Yeah. Yeah. You know, yeah. At 34,

there's a lot of things that bug me. And one thing that I've really been bugged by is um, feeling and knowing, comparing these two. And when some, someone you're dealing with goes, I'm sorry. I, I thought you felt like that. If you saw, I felt like that. Ask me and then you will know how I feel. Right. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. The comparison of feeling and knowing. Yeah. And that they are very separate. Right. What you feel is what you actually think about someone else, how you feel as yourself is knowing. But do you know what I'm saying? Sure. Like when people are like, I'm sorry. I thought you felt differently. Then ask me. Right. You're talking, you're talking about the difference between like the heart chakra,

the difference between like what happens inside your chest and what happens inside your brain. Like one is knowing and is that what you mean? No, I mean when I think it's like a human behavior thing of in the world of dishonest when people are like lying and stuff. Like if you really thought that's how I felt about you or felt about that, you would have asked me. Right. But you knew I didn't. Right. It's just a way to lie. It's a way to lie about doing something stupid. An older I get. Oh, there's this great quote by this guy Picasso. Heard of him. It is a name drop. Yeah. And it is the quote is it takes years to become young. Oh, that's great. Yeah. That's goddamn right too. Oh, it's so sad when you run. Let me tell you something, man. It is so

sad when you run into one of these fucking millennials and they're treating their goddamn life like they're fucking Donald Trump. They're trying to like get just there. They're exploding with this kind of mindless ambition always running in the direction of some perceived success that they think they could have. And there's something about that that's like, oh, you've got damn it. Don't you get it? Don't you get it? You are so filled with neurons and fresh kidneys. You're this you're thick with all these beautiful neurotransmitters just waiting to get rung out of your brain. There's so many things that you could experience right now. Why are you? Why are you doing? Why are you acting like your life is a fucking corporation and you're a president

running it? Get out in the woods, dummy. Get a fucking bike. Go ride a bike. Go travel. Travel. Why aren't you traveling? What are you doing? Like you're seriously like trying to start a flower business or something? Are you kidding me? Can you? I love you. I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm talking about these fucking ambitious goddamn babies. The people that like keep telling you about what they're working on. Yeah, yeah, you know, when I guess it's because we're in LA, this is an industry town, but you'll run into humans everywhere like that or they need to tell you. It's like, I would say if you're if you're listening to this and you're not in LA, it'd be your friends that are posting pictures of their kids or the charity that they kids are the kids

or the charity's fine. It's just when you I don't know, man. It's like, there's this, come on, let's just face it, man. Let's just face it. There's a scam happening. Did you see this thing? Floyd Mayweather tweeted? Can I read that to you? Floyd Mayweather a tweet from him? This is something he tweeted. And now I'm just so your listeners know who is Floyd Mayweather. He's a fucking boxer. He's a rich, rich, rich. Maryweather. Maryweather. That's it. He's a apparently he's a very wealthy, wealthy boxer and he's quite successful. And here's what he tweeted. This is what he tweeted. Listen to this. Okay. Floyd Mayweather. This is on his Instagram. If you're listening, Floyd, please let's be friends because it seems like it'd be fun to hang out with you

in a weird way. You didn't up punch me. Floyd Mayweather says on his Instagram, yachts, private jets, foreign cars, mansions, unlimited shopping sprees. And I'm just getting started. I spoke to God last night and I asked, is there a problem with how this lavish king is living down here on earth? And God said, no, it was already predestined. So, well, so now, no, that's an Instagram or that's his Instagram. He's wearing Coco Chanel towels on his body on a boat that really is kind of let's examine the view from the yacht sucks, by the way. It's a terrible picture. It's a terrible picture. It's like, I hope you didn't like it. And I just did. No, liked. Can you take back a like? I'm not taking back a like. It takes the point is, man, it's like everything

that that guy just said in there, it's, I don't, that is not all those things combined are not as beautiful as piss bubbles when you're on acid. He just, his whole description of what he thinks is beautiful, which he does and you get to decide what's beautiful. It's fine. It just coincidentally, all the things that he thinks are beautiful and great are exactly what a capitalist society wants people to think is great. It's what the banks want you to think is great. It's what corporations want you to think is great. What corporations don't want you to think is great is the forest. They don't want you to think cycling is great. They don't want you to think going jogging is great. They don't want you to think hanging out and picnicking with a friend

is great. Anything that costs is nothing. You'll know, I mean, like imagine a Floyd Mayweather had tweeted a nice forest breeze laying in the hammock, petting my dog. Oh, I asked God if this lavish king deserved all these things. And he said, yes, it's predestined. Fuck, that would make me want to suck Floyd Mayweather's dick. That would make me just like, that's what he wanted. And that's what he's getting. But what's, what's the scam? The scam is that we're promoting things that cost money instead of promoting things like getting a bike and just going for walks and enjoying life. That's this scam. Every day. It does like coincidentally, he likes things that have just come into existence that coincidentally are exactly the things you would want people to want

if you were running, if you were a banker and you wanted people to get deeply in debt. If you wanted to get people deeply in debt, you want them to want unlimited. So you think a bank like made him post that? No, I don't think a bank made him post that. I don't think like a Illuminati banker called them. I was like, hey, can you post a capitalist brainwashing shell tweet that's going to make people who don't have any money get more into debt because they think that your lifestyle is great because they look up to you because they think you're some kind of example of success. They didn't have to do that. The poor guy at some point, when he was a broke guy learning out of box, the idea got planted in his head by some other guy who stuck it into his head.

That's all. Being on a boat is awesome. No doubt. And being a healthy person is awesome. Being a healthy person on a boat is awesome. I'm not saying he's not having a great life, but it's a misdirect because you don't need any of that stuff to experience the height, the glorious heights of life, which are way outside of the stuff you can't buy. If I was God and Floyd Mayweather asked me if this stuff was okay, you know what I tell him? Yeah, it's predestined, dummy. You're eating plastic. Enjoy your life of eating plastic, idiot. He doesn't understand. God was making fun of him. God's like, yeah, it's predestined. He said it sarcastically. Yeah, he's like, yeah, it's predestined. You're a materialist dope. Enjoy

your life as a fucking paper. Getting punched in the face. Punched in the face so that you can buy shit that you don't really want and ignore the fact. I don't know. I can't say. Maybe he's really loving his life. I don't mean to be so judgmental. I just, I think the world needs, it would be so amazing if rappers somehow began to like, you know, rappers or like people who like promote capitalist stereotypes, super wealthy fucking losers like Trump and all those people. You haven't listened to the new rapper, carbon footprint? No. He's fucking dope. He remember Cycle are really. Recycle? What do you think about that stuff, man? Global warming into the world, climate change. Do you

think that's really happening? What do you think about all that stuff? You know, I don't know the future. I know my great grandchildren won't have a great life. Why? Because, I mean, look what's happening. The climate change. Well, that, you know, yes. And just, there's just so much human garbage. I mean that as in like, people are getting smarter because of technology, but what they're using their intelligence for is taking away from good old-fashioned human communication, which is eye contact. That is what I believe is the end of the world. No more eye contact. No one's looking at each other. Yeah. No one's looking ahead. Everyone's looking down. At the rectangles. It's literally, it's, I'm not trying to be poetic, but everyone looks down for information

when you should be looking up. Well, isn't that kind of a, see, that is a temporary, you know, in the way the phones being temporary? Well, yeah, the phones are, people won't be looking down for much longer. There's another decade of the looking down, and then people are going to be looking right at you through some form of contact. But you'll be an image of what they want you to be. Or you'll just be like, they'll always be like, you'll be like, right now you'd be looking at me, you would see on the, on my right side, incoming tweets on my left side, Instagram likes, faves, the same stuff that pops up on your phone. Suicide will increase and yeah, that'll be insane. That'll be insane. I don't want that. Well, I don't care about that. I want to play a commercial

for you now. Oh, shit. I hope this will work. Oh, fuck, how do I record this? I'll just figure it out. I'll try to pause. I'm going to try to find that footage. Okay, you find it. I'm going to play a commercial for you. You've got to hear this. It's so fucked up. Is it the AIDS commercial? No, hold on. What, they have a commercial for AIDS? Yeah. They're not going to make a lot of money. I'm recording. I don't know. I'm recording. Okay, right now what Duncan is about to see is I look so wasted. I'm putting this thing on our drunk history DVD. It'll be coming out in December or something like that. And so don't look at that. Don't look for a second. Okay, I have to get it ready. I'm not looking. So you're going to add in the audio later. Okay. I'll pump

this as loud as possible. So Duncan doesn't know. But this is what alcohol does. Here, get out of the way. Let me move the speaker and just Duncan relax. I'm going to be doing these things called sober reveals on the DVD, but that will be you watching the reenactment. This is just for you to see if you remember going on a very specific rant with me. I don't. I already can tell. I don't remember. So I'll be quiet. I'm going to crank this really loud. Okay. Do you want to put your mic closer? Yeah. I think if you just sat by that speaker, the mic doesn't go. Okay. It'll pick it up. You'll just send me this and I can record it. Okay. Okay, guys, here's a clip from an outtake from the upcoming drunk history. This is me talking to Derek with Derek about his

family. Why do you think your parents after six years decided to start humping again? I was a little too dizzy. Did they say that to you? Duncan tries to convince me. Do you remember anything you look like your dad? Yes. That my dad's not my dad. Have you ever looked at a picture of your dad and looked at you and made sure? Because six years spent of time usually means your mom like cheated on your dad and got pregnant by another guy. Usually? No. Six years is impossible to keep a relationship going. After six years, no one's humping anymore. You don't need to stop having sex? Generally, people get tired of having sex with the same person. Six years in, you're like, that's a bowling

alley accident. What do you mean a bowling alley accident? Nothing, man. Forget it. I'm sure your dads are dead. Are you ready? I'm sure your dads are dead. Did she do a genetic test? Come on, puppy. Come on, fox. Did you get what you needed? Are you sure? Yeah, you tell me how it was a mistake that my mom had sex with a, oh god. We got that. You have to accept the fact. That what? That might not be you. Your dad might not be your dad. Sorry, dad. It's not that weird. If you believe in enough, do a DNA test. It's like, jeep. It's like 10 bucks. Do the test. We think your dad's your dad. Do the test. Do an email me. My dad is my dad. What? Your dad's not your dad. Dad, you think he's your dad,

is not your dad. Trust me. Close to six years. Yeah, no one has a baby after six years. After they had a baby. Doesn't happen. Trust me. Then you have a sibling? What? And you have a sibling? Yeah, it's a three-year difference. And even then, I don't think it's my dad. Six years? Really? You think that's your dad? Who keeps farting? It's amazing. Think about that. I kept farting because it wasn't me. Do you know how hard it is to make a baby? How old was your dad when you're a alleged dad? How old was he when he had you? Dad, I don't know. Why would you? I'm sure they haven't told you. Trust me. I'm showing you a picture of my dad. Then you tell me. I know what happened, man. Your mom's

is a bowling alley. Every picture I have of my dad doesn't look like me. Weird. Who'd have done it? Yeah, so that was... Well, I am an asshole when I drink tequila. No, you're not. That is so cool, man. That's really funny. I'm glad that you have that. I'm sure your dad's your dad. I'm waiting. Are you sure? I don't know, man. I mean, I don't even know why it matters. We're all one human... Have you saw what my dad looked like? I saw your dad. It looks... It's me. That's my dad. I didn't think that when I saw him. Jesus. You really want me to take this genetic test? I don't care. I think if you take a genetic test, you don't even need one because we're all one family if you think about it. I like that attitude. We're all one family. So even though

your dad is not related to you genetically, he's still your father probably in another life. Talk about... Tell your listeners what story you did. You're allowed to do that. Well, the drunk history that I did was about Edgar Allan Poe and Edgar Allan Poe being a reviewer, and a critic, and his interaction with a fellow named Griswold. Yeah. That's all we have to give away. Yeah. No Googling. Don't Google it. It'll be on TV. I give him that piece of paper. Let me see when will it be on TV, man? Well, let me tell you with the first episode... Oh, is this old? No, this is new. So Baltimore will be on July 22nd. God, that's so far away, man. But Montgomery, the first episode is July 1st, 10 p.m. July 1st,

10 p.m., a drunk history on Comedy Central. This is a great series. If you haven't seen this series, it's... I did one for HBO a while ago on Tesla and Edison. I believe you're going to be in entertainment weekly tomorrow, by the way. Shut the fuck up. I have an interview at four, and they asked about, like, you know, your favorite narrators, and I brought you up. Oh, cool. And I told them to put the link of yours from the one you told last year. Oh, that's cool. Well, that was... Man, people still come up to me about that one, man. That's like, people really... That's something that I did that after I did it, I was embarrassed. I called you and asked if you had anything, and you were like, I don't know, man. Do you remember that? Well, wait. I said I don't know?

Yeah. Like, after I was so hungover, after Tesla and Edison, I was so sick. That was when I was with Natasha. She was embarrassed. I called you and I'm like, is there anything... Do you think that there's something we can do with that? And you're like, I don't know. I don't know. But I thought I'd watched it. As your friend, you know, and for everyone, I've never... And I will never ever, like, exploit anyone. By exploit? What do you mean? You mean you were not gonna... If it was... If it sucked, you're not gonna, like, put it on the air? No. If it made the person look bad. Right. If it made the person... And that night, I was even more vile than I was in the night of Edgar Allan Poe, because I was in between stuff. I was being very aggressive with you. I was accusing you of

exploiting people. I was really out of my mind. Both times, this is subdued. Me in a kind of friendly way saying that you're the... You're... What do they call that? A bastard or a... What's the name of that? Like, in Game of... That would be a... You would be a snow in Game of Thrones. Your last... Your name would be Derek Snow. I'm not Derek Snow. I'm Daryl Walters. Well, in Game of Thrones, you'd be Derek Snow, because you'd be the bastard child of an unknown woman or something. But in this case, of an unknown man. And that's fine. So, this... Derek has been showing me some clips from Drunk History. It looks great, man. Thank you. You must be thrilled. I'm thrilled and tired, but glad why I'm tired, but yeah. But this is... I don't know if a lot of people know this about

Drunk History, and I don't know if we talked about it in the last one that we did, but Derek has to get drunk with the people on the show. Well, let me be honest. I don't have to, but it's sort of a... I think you do. A camaraderie way of... I think it's more... Because it's in the same way of exploiting someone of like, I'm not gonna make someone get drunk and just put a camera in their face. But it's no fun. The moment that I'm having a drink with you... We're doing this together. And it's a conversation that feels familiar. The moment I'm sitting there like a lab rat, slurping away at the devil's nectar while you and your camera crew watch on. Yeah. That's where things get really weird. That's where you become a kind of entertaining lab chimp who's being filled

with a deadly toxin so that you can make content. So, but what ends up happening is... Because when I get that drunk, like when I got as drunk as I did on Tequila that night, or the night of the Absinthe night, that's days of recovery for me. It's days of recovery. And we did 30 narrators. So you basically went on a combination bender and you were doing... You had to be not just a workaholic, but you had to be an alcoholic at the same time because you got to like, you're getting hammered and then the next day you're getting up with a severe hangover. I'm doing it again and sometimes doing two narrators a day. Oh, so how do you do that? How do you do that? You're drunk and then you just get them to drive you to the next place and you're... Uber. Uber. You would Uber to...

But how would you connect with the next person if you're already a little on the hammered side? I have a job to do and you know what I mean? I have a job to do and I've been trying to make it out here for 14 years. This is the job that I've worked for. I didn't know this is what I was working for, but I love my job. I like drinking. But what really... The hardest part was then going on the road because then you're not dealing with your friends. You're dealing with crazy locals that want to be on TV. Right. They want to do shots with you. Right. And we went to New York, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Charleston, Montgomery, Hawaii, and here. And Hawaii was where it really hit me. There was the last night of shooting and I thought I was going to faint right before

I went to the bar. And... And that was from drinking? You thought you were going to faint? I thought it was just... I'm tired. I've been doing this for so long. I'm tired. And physiologically, you're not doing great. If you've been drinking every night, you're not doing great. And in Montgomery, I was boxing. I got punched in the face in Hawaii. I was surfing, jumping off 35-foot clips. I saw that clip. Like, my body was like, what the fuck are you doing? So I thought it was that. And then I said to our line producer, Melissa Wiley, the best line producer in the world, I don't know if I can do it tonight, but I'm going to try. And I sat down at the bar to start talking to people in Hawaii. And I took one sip of Jameson and my body felt

perfect. Oh, shit. So you were having withdrawal. So I knew that my body was... Physically addicted alcohol. So it's a little embarrassing to admit, but I think it's understandable of going through all that stuff that I put myself into a detox place. And I was kind of hoping for like the girl interrupted world, you know, where there were like crazy people there. But I chose this place in Palm Springs or Joshua Tree. And it was like me and a bunch of like 50 to 60-year-old women with like Botox. And I just wanted to not drink for three days and do things in my body like the Clonix. Yeah. That's life changing to doing a Clonix. I've done them too. Yeah. That was a lot. But... Did you do the kind where you see the turds float by? Well, you can choose to look up.

I chose not to. To look up? Well, I guess look down. Where you can see the turd. I didn't want to see it. What I was feeling was enough. I was sitting... There's a woman sitting next to me when I got my Clonix. I couldn't see the tube. I wanted to see the tube. I wanted to see the vileness getting pumped out of me. Old wadded up bits of Bible verses and hey. But she's like commenting on the turds as they roll by. Kind of like grating them. I remember like, oh dear, there's a little blood in that one. Oh, it was strange, man. She's like a... Her job is to give horse race style commentary on people's ancient turds that have been lodged inside of them since their sixth birthday party. Old candles you ate when you were a kid. They all get stuck in your

guts. But go on. So the hardest thing I did there was this thing called system recovery. Yeah. And I was there for three days. Oh, by the way, I didn't know that I wasn't going to be allowed to eat. There was no food. Wow. It was all juice and soup for dinner. And I wasn't allowed to smoke. It was hell. That sounds... But the hardest thing was the system recovery where for 90 minutes every day for these three days, you lay in a heating room and they lay this heating pad almost like a fire... One of those fire blankets on you. Yes. And soak you in some sort of oil and you just like... You just get all your toxins out. You just sweat all your toxins out for 90 minutes. And afterwards the girl would show me like the back of the blanket of how

many toxins came out and like all these little black spots. And it felt really good. Like I was being proactive. And the third day I did it with a different girl. And when we were finished, I said, can I see the toxins? And she's like, what toxins? I was like, you know, on the back of the blanket. And she goes, oh sweetie, that's just part of the blanket. Those aren't toxins. Oh, that sucks. So this is how I... I was like the moment a man on the moon when he realizes he's been fucked with, you know? But the way I took it is health, religion, many other positive things. You can find bullshit in anything. Yeah. But if the individual knows what they're getting into and what they need, because yes, she lied, but her intentions were to make me feel good. Do you

know what I mean? Yeah. So it's up to you as the individual to go like, okay, well whatever, I don't need someone to tell me I'm doing good. I need to tell myself I'm doing good. Right. And so when I left there, I felt really good. And you felt good, not just because you had been detoxed. You felt good because you realized that... I did something I didn't think I could do. Right. I did not think I could do that. Three days of purification. Yeah. Three days. Three hardcore days. Yeah, it's tough when you get into a booze cycle, man, just getting out of it for one day. Alcohol is a poison. Yeah. I will never doubt that. I will never doubt that. I have a lot of video to prove that it's poison. Sure is. Every single narrator I've talked about this

sends me an apology email, apologetic email the next day apologizing. Yeah. Just like you said, like, but their intentions were they wanted to do a good job. And alcohol makes you feel when you're at a certain stage, as long as you don't abuse it, it does give you confidence and it relieves some stress. Yeah. It's finding the balance of not going too far. Well, you know what it does, man? It sort of turns you into a wrecking ball is what it does. It's the id. It's uncovering. It's peeling back the onion until you get to this aspect of yourself that is generally the sad thing about an alcoholic is when they're in the sad thing. Well, one of the sad things is that when they're in that state, when the demon has entered them,

usually when they're being cruel, they think that they're being so funny. They feel so justified. What that's one of the really sad things when you get into a tussle with an alcoholic, when an alcoholic decides to confront you when they're drunk. They're the smartest people in the world. And that's why I always, I humbly say, that's why I think this drunk history show works is because alcohol gives you confidence that this is how it happened. Right. You're an expert. You're the scholar. You're the smartest person alive. You're a world-class scholar for a moment. And my job is to nod and say I didn't know that. Right. Right. Because I didn't. Yeah, but it's nice that you allow a person to sort of, it's like the fool for the, you know, they used to like

apparently in villages, they'd find the dumbest person in the village king for the day. You know about that, right? This ritual apparently in old Europe where they find a, you find a dumbest villager and you, for a day, like somebody who's probably mentally impaired and for it, you dress them like a king, you put a crown on them and you let them sit in a throne and give orders for the day. Have you ever heard about this? No. It's the ultimate way to humiliate a dumb person. Another thing Duncan Tressel teaches me that I didn't know. If you want to really humiliate a dumb person, what you do is you give them power. If you take a dummy and... I have a lot of other examples too, by the way. Keep going. If you want to damage a dumb person. Damage. If you really wanted

to hurt somebody who is dumb, what you would do is not take things away from them, but you would give them more. It's kind of like Floyd Mayweather. It's like, if like God wants to punish you, there's a lot of ways God can punish you, but giving you cancer, for example, that's just going to make you smarter. The moment... Well, and that happened to you. Yes. And you became smarter in not only your brain, but also how you perceive the world. Yeah. It gives you a little, it gives you this thing of like, oh, right. Oh, okay. I'm not invisible. I'm not invincible. I'm in an airport waiting for a plane that I don't know when it's going to come and every day of life that I get is just another day that the flight's been delayed that's going to fly me into oblivion.

But it's like, when you realize that and you look around the everybody sitting at the various terminals waiting for their plane to come and you see what they're doing, you're like, are you fucking seriously looking at headshots right now? Are you reading the trades? That's how you're spending your time right now. Not that it's bad. It's just, if you're looking at the headshots, know that that's what that's going to be the last things you look at before this plane lands and you suddenly find yourself heading into the great void. It's like, just know that you're spending these last few moments on earth not connecting with your parents, not connecting with your friends, not having great sex, smoking

amazing marijuana, taking healthy doses of good LSD or other psychedelics that can open your mind, not reading the scriptures, not studying poetry, not reading the great books, not taking walks, not petting your dog enough, not spending time learning how to cook, not enjoying a nice inner tube ride down a river or taking unexpected trips into the forest. You're spending the majority of your time revising your fucking real demon. You're like, you're like dealing with a you're looking at your fucking real. Do you want to watch my real, by the way? Your hand is going to start shaking soon. You know, that's the thing. It's like, all of a sudden you're going to get a little

tremble in your fingers. That's going to happen. You'll be like, we are, my fingers are trembling. And then I must have had too much coffee. Wait, I didn't have coffee today, but my fingers are still trembling. Doctor, what's going on? Oh, you have early onset Parkinson's. We can probably give you some medication for that, but eventually you are going to be, you know, disabled in a real specific way. And then you're like, fuck. You mean all that time that my hand wasn't trembling when I was looking at my reel, I could have been splashing water in my face from Greeks in Alaska? It's just a choice of how you want to spend your time here. Looking at your reel, all that stuff is fine. If while you're doing it, there's that same sense of like, holy tranquility that comes

when you are in wilderness that you just can't get anywhere else. You know, that's one thing, I don't mean to keep going on this rant there, but you understand, you understand about Jesus. And one of the things that, and people say when they talk about live like Christ or what would Jesus do, one thing that they seem to ignore is that again and again and again in the New Testament, what was Jesus doing when we wanted to go talk to God? What did he do generally? He went into the wilderness. There's again and again, there's so many different references to this. The guy who owns the park of Yosemite. You do? No. Do you know about him? No. No. He said, if you don't believe in God, come to Yosemite Park. Now you can look at that as a

scam of like to get people to go, but that is something that is embracing nature of what you know, God created. Well, you just, that's the funny thing. That's what I'm, that's- And God continues to create a tree. You go, yeah, well, you had to plant that tree. No. Yeah. Whoever would say that is, you know, they're numb down, but when you finally make it out, like when you recognize where you're at, man, when you recognize that you're like a little bug stuck on this massive complex spider web. We're nothing. We're nothing. I give you this quote, not quote, reality check. We have explored one percent of the ocean. Yeah. Do you know how big the ocean is? It's fucking massive. One percent has been explored. Yeah, one percent. One percent

of the ocean has been explored. And by the way, man, fuck the humans exploring one percent of the ocean. Most people have explored one percent of themselves or of the forest that's definitely, that's generally pretty close to your house. Like if you live in LA, you are right next to Griffith Park. And all you've got to do is take a 10, 15 minute drive to get to Griffith Park. And even that has these remote areas in it that you can get to where you're not going to run into anybody, because all these people down in the city are so magnetized to those glowing rectangles that they don't have time. They can't even imagine getting out there to go up into the Griffith Park. All of a sudden you'll be on a weird little windy trail going by some water towers.

Nobody's around. The wind's blowing against you and you'll begin to feel something inside of you Your brain needs that. Yes. Your mind. I believe in the brain and the heart. They need to work together. I do believe the heart starts, the brain is second. Yeah, for sure. And there are types of people that go on like the business type. It's all brain first. Yeah. No heart. Nothing. It's got to go heart and brain. And when you are by yourself and you feel wind, you see trees blowing, you realize you are nothing in a positive way. But you have a voice that nobody else has. Yeah. And that you can never, ever forget that. And one thing I've learned in a spiritual way and a realistic way of being a human being and allowed to be in this business

that I dreamed of is no one will ever be like you. No. And that is a beautiful thing to never forget. Never forget that. Never forget that. You're not some rubber stamped rubber ducky shot out of a factory in Taiwan. Funny you brought up that. Why? Well, when we have time, I'm going to play this other alt that you said. Did I say rubber duck factories? No, but say what you just said. I said you're not a stamp. You're not a shot out of shot out of a, I should probably say shot of a pussy in the thing. How do you know? Because I say that a lot. You use the term shot out of a pussy. That's your catchphrase. I like saying shot out of a pussy. Well, we all were. Well, it's not really shot. It implies a kind of propulsion. It's more like we're squeezed out, I guess. I mean, for shot

out of a pussy. A c-section. Or get plucked out of the melon. But generally, we get shot out of the shot. Genuinely. You get plucked out of the melon. But the thing is, man, it's like how much, the thing is, it's like so many people have to, the problem is if the language of the universe isn't coming to them in the way they expect it to, then they don't know they're being spoken to. So they don't understand that it's like the way that maybe you, okay, look at a parrot. And the next time you get around a parrot. Not a parrot head. A parrot. Not a Jimmy Buffett fan. Okay, good. When you get around a parrot, look at a parrot and watch the way it's communicating. The parrot. When it talks, one of those. No, not just when it talks. It's making all these complex

like clicks and whistles. But then it's, it's, you realize it has this wild control over the way it displays its feathers and its feathers puff up in different ways. It turns its head in different ways. It's using every little aspect of its being to communicate to you. And, and, but humans are like, well, it's, it's probably won't a cracker. Probably won't a cracker. It's gonna talk. It'll talk in English eventually. And that's what we want God to do. That's what we are demanding of the universe. The same thing. And he is though. And we, and it's up to us as the individual to look at what is in front of you. And what I was going to add onto your, I mean, rant in a positive way when you're going off on what people are doing instead of going into the wilderness

is one word acceptance. And that is from yourself and others. There's people that will fuck you over. There are people that you can forgive, including yourself. All you have to do is accept. And now is all that matters. Yeah. Right now by Van Halen. Yeah. Now is all that matters. Now is all that matters. Now at the connection of being in the moment, surrender, as they say, is the bridge between suffering and grace. And once we allow ourselves to surrender to this moment, so many great things can happen. That's all true, man. But let me tell you, you can, you have a headache. I do. And no, I'm saying you could have a headache and you could surrender to the headache. Surrender the fact that you have a headache or like my back's out right now because I've been

cycling so much. I have shoulder pain, right? Now you're bragging. I can surrender to the shoulder pain, right? But there are also other things that I could do to reduce the shoulder pain. I don't just have to surrender. I can stretch. I can do all these different stretches and the shoulder pain is going to get better. And be proud of yourself while you're sore. Because I'm, yeah, because I'm hooked on fucking cycling, which is proactive youth that is available to all humans who live near a bike shop and some concrete. Yeah. But you live in LA. That's, that's the one thing. I want a bike, but I ain't biking around these assholes. No, you should. I can't. I'll go on like a mountain bike. No, you go listen. I'm not riding on the fucking streets. I used to say that

too, my friend. Yeah. You have a helmet though, right? Yeah, of course. You wear a helmet. You should also wear like a bulletproof vest. No, man. Everybody thinks that it's one of the Do you want me to Google how many people get hit by cars on bikes? No, do this. Google how many people have a heart attack every day from lack of activity and compare that to the number of people who get hit by cars on bikes. And you'll find that it is far more dangerous on that fucking couch watching Game of Thrones marathons. You're the one that's seen it. I've never seen it. The point is the danger is on the couch. You're telling me I'm Derek Snow. The couch is the deadly thing. You've been on the couch too long. Everybody's like, you're gonna die. It's like, no, you're,

we're all gonna die. I'm embracing your bike. But I, what I would like to do is combine your love for the bike and put it in the wilderness. It's not what you do. It's where you do it. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's a combo, man. You're, you're, you're going on brain before, you're going on heart when you need to add brain, when you're riding your bike where these fucking hipsters are driving, looking at their phone. Shit, man. They're not, they're looking. When you're on the bike, it's like what my dad described about being in Vietnam. He said, when you're in Vietnam, your senses, when you're in the woods, forest, jungle, whatever they're

fighting in out there, when you're in the shit, your senses open up and suddenly you're aware of everything. It's not like you're on your bike and you're like checking your phone. You're on your bike. If you happen to be. Yeah, but you're by cars where people are checking the phone. But you're, but you're watching them and you, and listen. How can you watch behind you? Trust me. Do you have side mirrors?

What? Do you have side mirrors? I do not have side mirrors. You need side mirrors. But, but. Do you have blinkers? Yes, I have blinkers. Do you have a front headlight?

Yes, I have a front headlight. Do you go at night or day? I've done both. But when you- Have you ever come, have you ever heard a horn honk? Have you ever felt the wind blowing in your face? You're doing something positive. I think you should use your brain in this situation.

I'll tell you this, man. Of stay the fuck off of what I feel is boulevard. I do as much as I can. I stay in the, I go down the side streets. The little neighborhood that smell the food. This is great. Yeah, but then sometimes you end up on the main arteries and then you realize, oh shit, this is safe.

Oh my God, all the terror that everyone's been vomiting out about how dangerous it is out here. Suddenly you realize it's like, it's a little dangerous, but it's way less dangerous than people make it out to be. And then you realize like, oh my God, this is part of the conditioning. This is part of the conditioning of the goddamn car culture that gets in people's heads.

You better not get on that bike. You're gonna die. You're not gonna fucking die. You're gonna be born again. You're gonna be born again. And if you do get hit by a car and you do end up getting hurt, you will be a fucking martyr that will wake up in heaven, surrounded by Jesus, wearing a nice lycra outfit,

and pissing in your face. And that's my dream. Okay, your dream is to piss in your face. You give yourself a golden shower. My dream is to wake in heaven with bike or Jesus pissing on my face. Now, speaking of the next time you piss, what are you gonna piss out? Okay, so in the beginning of this podcast,

I dissed Diet Dr. Pepper. Let me just, as a preface, say no one is sponsored by Diet Dr. Pepper. I am not sponsored by Diet Dr. Pepper. Derek is not sponsored by Diet Dr. Pepper. But I went to the fridge and I got out of Diet Dr. Pepper, and I drank it, and I have to admit, Diet Dr. Pepper tastes really good. It is not swill.

It tastes good, and Derek was right. This stuff is delicious. That's all I needed to hear. Diet Dr. Pepper tastes better than Diet Coke, I'd say. And I've had both. Oh, fuck yeah. But now I'm basically, I am constantly having to piss. We have to pause.

I've gotta go pee again, because I have too much soda. I have your alts ready, and then we're doing ending. Okay, we're gonna do some alts. We're gonna play some more behind the scenes, never before heard leaked drunk history stuff. But before that, I have to go urinate, because I had way too much soda. Okay, we're back.

What are you showing me, Derek? Okay, so what you guys are gonna hear while dunking watches are, we make these- I look so wasted. Well, you are. We make some alts of like little lines that like don't have anything to do with the story. That could possibly be dialogue.

And so I'm just gonna let Duncan watch us, and you guys, I'll crank it up so you'll be able to hear it. Now, I wanna say as a Duncan Trestle fan that this podcast you've heard today, isn't that different than Duncan and Tequila. And what I would like to say to Duncan is that just shows that you are confident in what you do, and you're good at what you do.

Thank you. And you're always yourself. Thank you. Wait, hold on. Wait. You're welcome. I felt like I was in high school. Let me, uh...

That was an evil look. I look evil, man. You're drunk. No, it's like that's a weird... I guess, uh... All right. Is that loud enough? So, just understand.

I mean, I know this probably won't even make it into this fucking thing, but the important thing to realize here is that this is the great American poet. And what did America do to him? It sent him into a fucking gutter wearing someone else's clothes, completely broke, unloved, and, um, uncared for.

That is how you know you're a real artist. That's how you know you're a real artist. You're in a fucking green room eating mints. You gotta think about what you're doing, man. You just gotta think about what you're doing. Taylor Swift? You have to ask yourself, what am I doing? Justin Bieber?

When you're, like, urinating into a janitor's mouth in the... underneath his stairwell? Just don't call yourself a fucking artist, Kanye West. Just understand the... Oh, hell no. ...the clothes of an artist. Underneath it is just a pterodactyl. If you're an artist, you end up in a fucking mud.

You end up in mud rambling about... ...an eternity. Which is why I have a diagram on top. And he died. And he died. So there you go. Pigs. Hear that, pigs.

You want your apex of your pseudo-careers? Feel puffed up because people like the diarrhea that you've managed a network to put up? Put up? All you people out there, feel like you're outcasts? Watching these pigs get bloated by the fucking dragon of mediocrity? Don't worry.

Sure, you might have died broke and alcoholic, muttering in a hospital, completely alone and lost. But who knows? Maybe what you created will transform literature in the future. I don't know. Maybe that doesn't matter. You know what? Just publish your shitty stuff.

It's probably more fun. Just publish your zine. If it helps you buy a blimp, congratulations. What the fuck does that mean? Oh my god, look at how much we had, man. You're drinking a Petrone. How do you do this, Derek? You're gonna get sick.

Well, there you go. You warned me. Derek, you're gonna get sick, man. You can't drink. You can't drink like this. I can only do this like once a year. Cheers. This is where I start attacking you.

The play is the tragedy man and death is the conqueror worm. No way. Fuck. I gotta find a shot out of a pussy. Oh, here's something that will not make, did not make the cut. The editor, Nick Monsour, I'll give full credit to, fought to his death to try to get this in, because this is a very good quote that Duncan says,

but because it's a Baltimore episode, I cannot put it in, but it is a great joke. Let's hear it. The conqueror worm. That's the hero of everything. Here we go. Those cunts in Baltimore have the audacity to name their fucking football team, the Baltimore goddamn Ravens.

You assholes. That's like Los Angeles having a football team and naming it the Elliot Smith Knives. Fuck you, Baltimore. You know what? I think I'm going to see what shotgun shells taste like. It's weird that we have to eat because I'm so drunk. Hold on.

I gotta find the shot out of a pussy. It's like my mother, here I am, sitting and watching my mother spray blood. Okay, we don't need that. Walking turd, and I wish you would stop writing me, and guess what? Inside an ancient ham cooler. So actors were one step up from rotting ham loaves. You're saying what actors were back then. Because he fell in love with a 13-year-old.

And, uh... Yeah, see all this stuff, your listeners are going to have to forgive that we did have to change some stuff in history. Dying geriatric. Boy, this is a good line. Virginia. He ends up fucking marrying his 13-year-old cousin. This is the 1800s. Like, everybody was fucking their 13-year-old cousin.

National pastime. I was like, I'm a super-genius. My intellect is so fucking powerful, I see Griswold. I see that you're a human diaper. I see that you're nothing more than like a puff of air out of the anus of a dying geriatric. But I'm going to submit my poetry to your thing, because... I can't give away the story. I said that Griswold was the fart out of a dying old man.

It's rotting the planet, from the inside out. Say anything. Sad. When you Google search the raven, it should be the fucking... ...pum. By the way, most people's alts were about 12 minutes long. Duncan's is 41 minutes. Oh, no, that's great.

Harry burps out the sound of firework. And it's like the most obvious thing ever, and it's a shit song, because it's a song with a tuzzle. I think this song applies to me to some degree. I don't know, what are you saying? Baby, do you want to pause while I find it? Jim, and jogging, and reading more than you do, and then you grow and become something great. You don't become a firework by smelling your own farts and something. This is me defending that the song Firework by Keith.

Defending that the song Firework by Katy Perry is pretty good. It doesn't work. You want to be a fucking firework work, idiot? Wait, we gotta hear this whole thing. This song, and it puts some sort of a... All right, hold on, you can edit. Do you ever feel like a piece of... ...like a paper bag flowing through the fence?

Do you ever feel like a waste of space? Yes. You all right? Yeah, I don't know. I guess so, whatever. I think this song applies to me to some degree. I don't know, what are you saying? I'm singing Firework.

Baby, you're a firework. No, it's crap. Don't listen to that song, it's crap. It's a shit song. It's like, hey, you listening. Now let me just play devil's advocate. If you're fat, depress. I am fat and depressed.

It's a shit song. Then you hear that song, and it puts some sort of excitement that you actually might be a firework. No, no! You don't get to be a firework just by fucking eating Doritos and taking baths. That doesn't turn you into a firework. If you firework get out of it, it's gonna be work hard.

You have to work hard. You have to risk and then struggle and like... Even though your whole entire body is telling you to shove... Tangerines in your mouth and laying your bathtub listening to Justin Bieber, you have to go to the gym and jogging and reading more than you do. And like, that's... And then you grow and become something great.

You don't become a firework by smelling your own farts in some basement. Doesn't work. You want to be a fucking firework work, idiot? What a great... It's obvious. So Katy Perry's Satan, like luring the fatties into thinking that if they sit around and like

smell their underarms, someone's gonna discover them. No. That doesn't work like that. You have to work hard. God damn it. I don't. I'm lazy. I like video games.

But I know if I worked hard, I'd be great. So... So, I'm just kidding. You don't know. How sick? How fucking sick? It's horrifying, man. It's horrifying.

I'm sorry. I just wanted to find the shot of a pussy. You'd still eat him because he's pointless. Like in a real survival situation, Simon Cowell is the thing that you use to block bullets. That's it. He has nothing to offer the world. No one's gonna remember Simon Cowell.

No one will study Simon Cowell in school. After he goes insane and becomes a vegetable, from having a stroke from one too many Coca-Cola enemas, it doesn't matter. People are gonna buy shit forever. People are gonna buy shit until we're floating on fragments of the earth into the sun. After everything's blown up by a nuclear holocaust.

You mean great fucking artist who wants to, like, have a mouthpiece to the world, who's gotta, like, pass everything he does by some blank-faced fucking, useless reptilian turd. That's what this is. That's Griswold. That's Griswold. The Simon Cowell of the 1800s.

A power-hungry, manipulative... Wow, Jesus. That was really... Deep. I was really on a rant. Tequila over. Hold on. Well, this is just, this is intense, Derek.

I've just witnessed myself deep in it. Tequila stupor. Pretty angry. You survived it? Survived. And you're told a great story, and I can't wait for people to see it. Well, I can't, I can't either.

I'm so, I'm so psyched that you put me on the show, man. It's so cool. If there's any man I know that's passionate, and the perfect story to tell is Duncan Tressel telling the story of Edgar Allan Poe. And raging against this. I can't talk about it. I don't want to spoil it for you guys,

but I really did get, after seeing these outtakes, I'm going to go back and edit some of that, but after seeing these outtakes, I was really on a tear. So I think it's going to be a pretty good one. But man, congratulations, Derek. Thank you, Duncan. This looks great.

The clips that you show me, it looks really, really sophisticated, and like you guys put a lot of money into this one. It's like. Not a lot of money. Just a lot of great workers. Everyone was really good. We had, it was a really low budget,

but it just made it look nice. It looks so great, man. People are going to freak about this. I hope they freak. How do you do? Do you think they'll watch it? Does anyone watch TV anymore? No, I don't think people are really watching TV,

but you know, people do watch. Do people just hashtag drunk history a lot? It'll come on YouTube. You know, I don't know how many people, I think people. It'll be on Amazon Prime and Hulu. Yeah, I think that's how people get it, is Hulu, Amazon Prime, people,

that's how most people get their content. But it's regardless, you've clearly made. It's true, Amazon Prime TV listens to me. Sorry, I like YouTube's all messed up. I was going to crank 14 years, but you've already done that on the show. I'm terrible. I wish I could be your Fred.

If you were Howard Stern, I would like to be your Fred. I would love that. One day, can I do that? Yeah, well, we need a soundboard. One of the editors gave me, I believe, 14 gigs of different sounds. And if just maybe one of your live podcasts

would be a sound guy. I need that. That would be nice. I would be honored. How about you just be a guest on the next live podcast? That would be pretty bad. If people like this one, I'll come back. People will like this.

Derek, Drunk History comes out July 1st. Comedy Central 10 p.m. Comedy Central 10 p.m. All the links will be on the comment section of this website. You are at Derek, or do you have an underscore in there? Derek Waters with two Ss. You're Derek Waters with two Ss on Twitter. Links will be there for people to follow you.

Congratulations. Congratulations to you, Duncan. Congratulations to all of us, Derek. I love you. I love you too. Hare Krishna. That was Derek Waters. Be sure to follow him on Twitter.

I'll have all the links in the comment section of this podcast. And of course, make sure you watch the new season of Drunk History. A big thank you to Nature Box. Make sure you sign up and try out Nature Box by going to naturebox.com forward slash family hour. And of course, Hare Krishna too. Hulu Plus. You can go to huluplus.com forward slash DTFH

and get two weeks for free. And thank you to you for listening to this podcast. May you have the greatest week of all time. And may your astral body connect with whatever body Alexander Shulgin currently is in and suckle on his sweet MDMA dripping teats. Hare Krishna. You've been making better decisions for your busy family for years. And now, little by little, you're making decisions for yourself,

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