Duncan Trussell Family Hour - Derrick Beckles is a HOT PACKAGE

Episode Date: December 3, 2013

Derrick Beckles (TV carnage, Eric Andre Show, Hot Package) joins the DTFH and SCANDAL happens.

Hello, everybody. It's me, Duncan Trussell, and you are listening to a scandalous Duncan Trussell family, our podcast. In this podcast, I make a confession, and I'm gonna let you listen for that confession. I've never talked about this publicly, and I've talked about almost every other crazy thing I've done, but this is the first time I've ever admitted doing this particular act of vileness. But, you know, I feel some apprehension about releasing this episode for some reason, like a little embarrassed, but then I realized that if it's better, I just think it's better to be honest and to not hide things from the world, ultimately. I'm so sick of hiding things. So I'm not by PS not coming out of the closet. So that

isn't, it's not that scintillating. I just go into detail about getting jerked off by a MILF and a massage parlor, which I know for many of you is just how you start your day. But I'd never done that before. And as I was saying it to Derek, my wonderful guest on this podcast, I kind of like felt myself cringing inside like, ah, are you gonna reveal this? But I think it's actually better to just let everything out through this podcast. And since I've already done that anyway, I mean, you guys have listened to my mom on her deathbed. You've listened to me go through two breakups. You've listened to me get cancer. So I mean, why wouldn't I tell you that I once got jerked off at a cheap, dirty massage parlor in Eagle Rock?

Well, spoiler, I guess I spoiled it, but I go into a little bit more detail about it. I don't know. I just, I think it's funny how, uh, how for some reason that little thing is something I wanted to, I've been whipped by dominatrixes on this podcast. Does anyone who listened to this regularly, would it even surprise them that I got jerked off by a masseuse? Who the fuck do I think I am? It was pretty, it was pretty gratifying. I mean, I guess it was, it didn't, you know, when I tell people, I, because I've told friends I did that. And when I've told friends I did that, they always, it's like, one of the things that comes up is like, yeah, but I bet you drove away feeling really like empty or bad. And it's like, no, I didn't, I didn't drive away feeling any more

empty than I felt pulling into the parking lot. And it's just a, what I, what I got out of it was just the realization that, that that particular corner of darkness isn't really, there just doesn't seem to be, at least where I went, there doesn't seem to be any darkness there at all. And that's kind of a, I think a good thing to find out. And that's, you know, you, you hear about like the idea of like Tantra. And I'm not going to talk about it too much, because I don't understand it completely. But I had, you know, you hear about like the left hand path is what they call it. And it's the idea of like trying to seek realization through the senses, instead of through denial of the senses. I think it's one word for it is that I remember in college, they call it

the diamond thunderbolt, because it's, or the diamond lightning bolt or something. And it's like, it's like the hardest yet fastest way to realization. Now look, I'm not going to, I'm not pretending that getting jerked off by a masseuse is a valid form of meditation or a spiritual practice. Maybe it is. But I think anything that shows you that there isn't a, there isn't a boogeyman, you know, anything that opens up whatever closet or shines a light under whatever bed you've been afraid to look under or go into, so that you could see like, look, there's no evil here. I think that's a good thing. Generally, you know, and there is, I don't even, I think that the big thing that you end up finding out by getting into dark situations

is that you are the thing carrying the darkness into whatever situation that you go into. And that more than likely most situations, I'm not all, but most situations are just empty screens upon which you're projecting whatever the darkness or the, excuse me, whatever the light is that happens to be inside of you. So Asian, I got jerked off at an Asian massage parlor. And that confession is like, after that, I don't think I barely have anything to hide. Barely anything. And I don't know. Well, maybe some things. Some dark and horrible things must remain in secret. Actually, I don't think I have too much more. I've talked about my porn browsing history, talked about cancer. And now I've revealed this. So hopefully,

you guys don't think I'm a total sicko. But I really, that, I mean, I've, that does not feel sick to me at all. I don't know that I'm going to do it again. I'm not going to say I'm not going to do it again. But you know, this was just weirdly this happened right, like within like two or three months after my mom died. And it was sort of a, you know, part of the insanity process of like, of like grieving. I mean, it's so Freudian and weird to think that like, after my mom died, I went to get jerked off by a middle aged Asian lady. And it was somehow connected to that. But yeah, I don't know. The mind does very strange things when grief is happening. And sometimes you will land in a, you will land in a happy ending massage parlor when your mom dies. That can,

that can be on your life map. And you never know. You might think when you're listening to this, like, oh, I would never do such a thing. But you never know. The seeds can be inside of you. Right now seeds that will grow into a glistening oily tree that is being stroked up and down by the hands of a middle age gal who makes money by milking semen out of the penises of lonely grieving men. That can be in your life map. Maybe it's already been there. I know many people who have done done the very same thing. I mean, we do exist. Let's we have to face it. We exist in a culture that is so sexually repressed that it's really it's a we live in a world of spooky dudes. I mean, all you have to do is like flip through fucking any, any like audition porn.

I've also done that and listen to like whenever the guy who's filming the porn starts talking and it's like the way he's like this, you know, when they, when a guy goes into like porn voice, like sped your little ass cheeks for me. See your asshole. So no one's ever been in there. Stay like that. Never. Nope. Never a finger. Yeah. Finger. Finger in a tongue. Not a tongue, but a finger. Like when your pussy gets real wet, when you're on your back, it drips into your ass and then a finger might be goes in there. Is that true? And this sort of like glazed over person is like just acting, you know, not really there. She's probably thinking about like groceries that she has to get or she needs to like can't forget to pay her gas bill by the

eighth. And it's like the weird dialect of repression is so spooky. Why does it have to be like that? Why does it have to be? Why are you taught suddenly? Why the fuck would you be talking like that? What is that? What other situations do people talk like that in? It's only people only talk it like that when they feel like they're doing something naughty. The act itself is a meaningless thing really. I mean, the act itself is just, you know, the dance of meat being led by the orchestra of DNA that has been hypnotizing every species on this planet that reproduces through mating with pheromones and leads them into this strange seizure of ecstasy, which we call copulation. That's not a bad act. That's the ritual which brings babies into the world.

That's basically a baby summoning ritual. That's what humping is. You're just summoning babies. And if you're not summoning babies, you're summoning orgasms. Both are wonderful things. One is far less expensive than the other. But if you ever meet anybody who doesn't like one of those two things, then that person is a psychopath, for sure. Because how can you not like babies? They're adorable and hilarious to watch. And how can you not like orgasms? Now, you should, obviously, those two things should never meet. But one should definitely precede the other. And they do. So that, so it's not a bad, it's not a bad, it's not bad. But you carry the darkness into the situation with you. You hear stories, countless stories from horrified

girls who ended up hooking up with guys who grew up on porn. And the guys just like immediately grab them by their ears and start mouth fucking them until they're drooling and gagging. And the guys think this is right. Like this is the way that you're supposed to have sex. I mean, this is before even discussing it or anything with the girl. It's just, you just do it out of this feeling of like wanting to imitate whatever porn you happen to have fetishized. So, but that's, you have to, you know, there's discussions involved before you try to gag somebody with your penis. You don't just immediately do it. But that's a manifestation of this darkness that you're carrying around inside of you, because you're probably a little sexually repressed. And you've probably been

taught that sex is evil or dark or bad or filthy or nasty or gross or awful. But it, I mean, it isn't that and that's sad. Look, if you have a fetish, you should be happy that you have a fetish. I feel sorry for people who don't have fetishes. If you, somebody who doesn't have a fetish, it's like somebody who like he doesn't have any spices in their spice rack. Some ridiculous thing that gets you off. It's hilarious and it's fun. Feet get you off. Great. Don't be ashamed of that. Whatever the thing is. I mean, everyone has a fetish. It's if a gen, people tend to have a genital fetish. My, my, there was a professor and I remember always talking about how there's this guy from Saudi Arabia and one of his classes and the guy had to leave the

class because the, the, he couldn't handle the fact that American girls wore shorts because for his entire life, he'd been around women who had to cover their entire bodies. And so something about covering a thing long enough causes people to fetish size the thing. So it'd like he would, he would go into class and it was like being in some kind of like weird soft core porn where all the girls in the class are shirtless for Americans. You know, like that's like a big, like we are such a creepy repressed society that if, if a girl takes her shirt off in a movie, then that makes it so that they have to change the rating of the movie because a girl is exposed to breasts. You don't want kids to come and see it. I mean, breasts are water, breasts are water fountains for babies.

They're milk fountains is what they are. So is there anything more harmless than something that babies eat from? No, nothing. Babies are helpless, muscle-less things that you have to like actually teach to roll over. That's how helpless they are. So whatever it is that they're sucking juice out of, how can that be evil or bad or dark or needs to be covered up? Well, in our society, that thing needs to be covered up just like your cock or your pussy. Everything we're covering all this stuff up because we consider it to be disgusting or gross or bad or weird or whatever. So fuck it. You just have to admit, you just have to have the guts to admit that you might be a little kinky and I know I am and so that's why I confessed to having gone to a massage parlor to get jerked off

by a milf. I'm sorry I mentioned her ethnicity. It could have been anyone but it did happen to be an Asian milf and she was very sweet. She gave me a big hug and I'm not ashamed though I do feel embarrassed. Actually, I would recommend it for any guy. If you're a guy and you want to be reminded of the fact that the only thing that really makes sex incredible is love, that's what really gets for me. I have a lot of little side fetishes but I think my biggest fetish is I like to have sex with people I'm in love with or that I'm like if I'm really attracted to their mind, to their thought process and to their meat bodies then when those two merge it's like that really gets me off. But what's cool about getting jerked off in a massage parlor is that you are experiencing

something that is just purely physical and then you can see like oh this is just really nothing like probably right on the same level of probably right kind of like jogging or something like it's right around it's like a kind of calisthenic aerobic thing that you're doing. But that's why it's good. So I highly recommend it if you want to go do that. You don't have to feel guilty about that. If you're married and you're feeling like weird in the relationship and you want to be reminded of the fact how much you love your wife then talk to her. Don't go cheating because that's stupid and you've already set up the rules of some game. I don't advise cheating. I think that's done but maybe sit down with your wife and just say look, do you mind if I go get a hand job

at a massage parlor just because the idea that you and I are going to only have sex with each other until one of us has a stroke or heart attack or until I'm crippled from some kind of weird bone eating disease is kind of scary. And it'd be nice to have a little kind of reminder of what it's like for another human being besides me or you to touch my penis. Maybe they'll be cool with that. I don't know. I mean I know it's not all about sex but I'm telling you it's like the reminder. That's the reminder. You'll get this great reminder when it happens that what you have, the love that you have already in your life is a million times more incredible and a million times more real and potent and beautiful than whatever fantasy love that you've been imagining as your

marriage enters into that cooling off phase that happens to all living things that are going through the metamorphosis that we call death. We've got a great show for you today. Our guest today, Derek Beckles, is really not only is he like a super artist who has got an incredible vibe but he is an example of why I love to do this podcast because I end up meeting people who I should have been friends with all along and he's just a really cool guy and we had a really great conversation so I'm excited to put this up but before we get going some very very quick commercials it is guys Christmas is coming. Matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter. You must buy matter. Wrap it in paper and give it to your friends to show them that you love them.

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you will finally give up whatever pursuit that you've engaged in so that you can fail at the level they failed and they won't have to have another midlife crisis when they see your great success and are reminded of the fact that their weakness and ineptitude was so great that the thing they could have become never happened and now they're having to watch it happen with the being that they created and for some evil dark neurotic reason have been competing with for the last 20 or 30 years you don't have to listen to that shit put some fucking earbuds into those sweet waxy holes that capture the sound waves that allow us to hear and listen to an audiobook so that you can just watch the meaty mouthing of whatever dark vampiric genetic genetic ancestor

is trying to make you feel like a pile of old diarrhea you can just watch their mouth yeah while you listen to a the dark tower series by steven king which is the greatest audiobook series i know of there's many many more salem's lot carry i love steven king huge steven king fan but there's many more than that they have so many audiobooks and if you go to audible trial dot com forward slash family hour you get a free audiobook you got to sign up but you can cancel at any time and you get to keep the audiobook so that's great um to those of you who have been donating god bless you to those of you who've been buying uh t-shirts from the shop we are back in stock with the duncan trestle family our logo t-shirt and uh so you can you can you can grab

a duncan trestle family our shirt for your grandmother i would love to see pictures of your grandmothers wearing the duncan trestle of any duncan trestle family our shirt uh because i don't have a grandmother anymore and uh it would make me very happy for her to wear the t-shirt of my podcast to the point where sometimes i think about going down to georgia on the night of a full moon with a shovel and doing a little uh doing a little mining for grandma if you know what i mean dig down there and open up that little meat chest and pull my duncan trestle family hour t-shirt onto the uh on the bones of my grammy one day i'll do it mark my words one day i'll do it now if you if you've listened all the episodes of this podcast and you are jonesan

for a podcast there is a bonus episode located in the shop too so i don't know it's two bucks nothing and uh it's uh got my uh dear friend pickup artist snake it's an interview with him it's halloween themed it's not really going to fit into the season now but it's there for you if you want that but you don't have to do any of these things all i want is for you to listen to the podcast enjoy it say hello to me on twitter if you feel like it send me an email be nice and don't go getting jerked off just because i said i did it i'm not going to do it again i mean ultimately it's a waste of money and i don't know it's only going to show you something you already know anyway but it's it's better to do that than to suffer under like the gnawing uh weight of uh horniness

or grief or whatever it is it definitely is a great temporary by 30 minute distraction from the cataclysmic uh the cataclysmic strangeness of this uh dimension that we've been shot into uh via via the vagina or cesarean section so thank you all for listening now everybody please open your hearts and turn your love beams in the direction of my friend hopefully he's my friend he might secretly hate me but it seems like he does and i really like him a lot he's super cool my friend uh i don't i don't know why i said he might secretly i don't think he secretly hates me he's real he's awesome and uh put what is this weird insecure neurotic ending that's stupid just enjoy this podcast with the great derek beckles and do me a favor go to tvcarnage.com

he's working on a uh tv carnage coloring book uh you should you should buy that and go to adult swim and listen to his badass or not listen watch his badass show hot package this guy is cool he's one of us he's going for it we need revolutionaries like this uh making tv shows it's only good for the uh whatever this if tv was a species then derek beckles would be uh somebody that you would want to get tv pregnant you know what i mean derek beckles everybody derek beckles so welcome derek hello thank you so much for coming are you kidding me dude i'm so excited to be here

first time on the podcast first time you know um you created one of the coolest shows ever tv carnage which is um this incredible amalgamation of found footage yeah and it's so cool to meet you man because when i watch that i would think like how the fuck do they find this like how how did you hunt that stuff down yeah how how do you find crazy aerobics videos and what's the process of getting that stuff the the earlier stuff was like the first one i did was like a night well it wasn't even like the really first one but the first one that i was i decided to make until like a longer form piece was like it was ouch television my brain hurts and it was i did it in 96 and i did it with two vcrs on painkillers because i had this this i had throat

surgery because uh i had like this like um paul up on my vocal so i was just and a friend of mine was helping to take care of me because i couldn't do anything so i may i'd like all these tapes and i stacked them up and it was just stuff that i taped off tv um so every time i always had like a vcr going uh and a tape in the vcr and i don't know i just had like kind of a weird divining rod for shit like for like when something horrible would come on tv and so i i would um but it wasn't just like i didn't want to just tape like gimme's like you know like something that was like an erin spelling show or something that was just like really easily laughable it was just the stuff that was earnestly done by people who were trying to either attain fame or they they thought

that they were achieving something that was like grossly misdirected yeah like an unachieved right and and that stuff to me was like fantastic it wasn't even like ah you loser i was just like wow this is like in your in your mind you're like pulling this off you know right so i i became obsessed with those kind of moments and you know it's like anyways so that that's what i started doing was just taping as much of that stuff as i could and i had other friends that did it as well and we all kind we'd watch each other's stuff uh stuff uh and um have you ever listened to song poems you know you know if you ever heard those before i don't know it's like uh um you could so you know you've seen in the back of Rolling Stone i don't know if they still have it but they in the back there

used to be like do you have an idea for a song right yeah of course yeah so you see you like send the song in and they're like you know what we're gonna make this for you but you gotta pay yeah 200 bucks you got what it takes but yeah so these great music are not great musicians but skilled studio musicians would record your shitty lyrics yeah and the end result is this kind of like bizarre outsider art yeah which is known as a song poem right and it's because it's the kind of the synthesis of meandering weird unintelligible lyrics mixed in with a very technical precise composition yeah exactly and that creates that same kind of effect of like what the fuck it's just so so uh almost right but that that those few notches that it's off yeah are that's where it becomes

art they're exquisite yeah and especially like when the you know um when my fascination began and everything i uh was i mean the the genie wasn't out of the bottle yet that you couldn't get editing software you couldn't affordably purchase a camera you couldn't do any of this shit right yeah now everybody is like i'm a producer director like everybody yes it was like buy it there's like they get the certificate it says they're a director like right from best buy yeah so but this was like you had to you had to like somehow get into the machine whether it was public like whether it was like um just like local public access stuff or you actually somehow got on some fucking show or whatever you know what i mean yeah so the you still like you still dependent

on this like just machine that just what you know that kept people at bay by controlling all the access to things and all the machinery and all the like you're talking about these session musicians just yeah playing this horrible song yeah so that to me was also like this elevated level of fascination about it was that you know people like really really really had to go up a particular path right right and the similar one yeah yeah but it's that that the the machine it still exists i mean it it's definitely still there yeah absolutely and when i watch tv because i have cable for some reason and i hardly i only i hardly ever watch it but uh so i have these weeks of not watching tv or usually months and when i come back to tv after having not watched it it's very similar to

when i was a kid and a little bird died in front of my grandparents garage and it was just laying there and rather than clean it up i would every once in a while go and check and to watch the various phases of the decomposition process yeah that's what i feel like every time i turn tv back on it's like how is it still rotting and moldering and it's somehow rots forever it's like a being that just it's eternally in a state of decay and you don't think it can get worse but every time you turn it back on it's like fuck it's a million times worse when coming out of it like couldn't even imagine yeah it's a fucking great way yeah it's a fantastic analogy because it's like you get because with tv you know you get like the illusion of tv is like and it what it used to be it was

all about control it was a machine yeah of control to get on tv was considered to be the most glorious thing that could happen right just glory if you're on tv you're in the king's court the king's fucking court tv ultimate thing to get on tv and i guess the idea was that like these people who pick who gets to be on tv were somehow these ultimate uh had the ultimate taste you know they were you know they were the they they knew better than anyone else what's funny yeah what's good and really all it is is just people who were trying to get hypnotic humans to keep assholes sitting on a couch long enough to brainwash them to buy a car yeah that's it oh that's cynical well not all the time i you know that isn't it's it isn't fair because not all executives are

like that and a lot of networks particularly the one you're on adult swim seems to go against that model completely which is why everybody's imitating it and trying to like duplicate what they did is because it seems like they were like no we're just gonna make stuff that we think's good yeah and then that got really popular is it always does i mean like mike lasso is a legitimate mind like he he wants he he knows how to curate things and people and you know the essence of of just weirdos you know and then when when people who don't understand that try to emulate it once again yeah it's awful that's what you have you have like i call it squared right like when squares try to be weird ah it's awesome squared yeah man you know what that's so amazing like i

one of my favorite things is when i've turned on like glenn beck or like um have you ever watched fuck huckabee you ever turn on huckabee uh huckabee but i mean like i feel like that's just made for me yes i feel like some genius made it because they know exactly what i want to fucking giggle that's the fantasy that's the fantasy because i have that fantasy too where i'll watch mike huckabee and i'll i'll watch and i'll think okay there's some percentage chance maybe two three percent the mike huckabee is a great performance artist yeah so great yeah that he recognized squared what you're talking about he's like some kind of postmodern da da actor and he realized that the ultimate thing to do is to for no one to realize that you're doing an act the

ultimate thing to do is to go deeper than andy kaufman times a million yeah to dedicate your whole life to becoming this like self-righteous weird christian just rotting pile old butter and and he um but when they try to do comedy man it is fantastic it is so good it's like it's it i mean it's otherworldly it's uh i can't even like i mean they they got me you know what i mean like i could like they they really i could not even begin i don't think i know anybody that could muster the genius to create something that was like so delicately balanced like it's its own fucking insane poorly achieved ecosystem yeah it's like just so fragile like if you moved one thing around yeah it would just fall apart yeah you're right and dammit this is my dream of like uh went super

advanced computers with it where you're going to be able to take any kind of video or film and somehow it'll recognize it'll like be able to scan the the actors do a kind of personality thumbprint like analyze it and then you could just add things to it that don't belong like what would happen you know what would happen at this moment if jesus actually appeared in front of huckabee and told him that he was gay for example what would huckabee do how would he handle that information or what would that what would happen to the anyway yeah it's like choose your own adventure except there's you can like once they played out their version of it it would just blow yours away yeah yes but no but it but it's also a little you know we're making light of it and stuff but it

also is a little sinister isn't it because it's like not not only i mean it's funny for us it's funny to ironically watch some kind of like weirdo who kind of believes that there's a some kind of war he worships the classic war god i guess and he like is a being of huckabee is like a no different anyone like huckabee who is a pro war right wing person who seems totally cool with people blowing other people up from time to time and they any who worships god that is exactly the same as like katul tulu you know to the hp lovecraft tentacle being yeah isn't that the same he's like somebody worshiping a dark god who demands blood and he has his own show and he's brainwashing people by seeming like this really sweet guy it's like imagine someone who worshiped a tentacle being

that desired blood who was even mildly affable that's very sinister it's like i i what i look at his you know we're talking his shows but in particular i don't feel like there's something very artful going on because it's like oh you're likable you're affable you're like this like i i don't mind you know it's like sure everybody's entitled to their politics and blah blah blah you know what i mean yeah and then they then there's like equally there's just like yeah it's it's it's fascinating and then there's like stuff that's just even like classically deranged like to me personally i just like when i'd watch glenn back for example he's on that was like a golden era of television desperation and manipulation shows right it's like it's it was so good i i i have

the same thing i have like heart palpitations and i start my breathing becomes when you're at home and you accidentally stumble upon glenn back it's just like thank you god anytime you tune into glenn back it's like this is so fucking wonderful to watch a loon prance around it's great but man i've had dreams about glenn back i've had scary dreams about glenn back where he comes up to me and like embraces me and and i realize he's like a really wonderful person yeah yeah but i was i i have the same i mean with all these personality types i always have that kind of i want to barbecue with them in their backyard kind of fantasy yes hang out and be buds yes what is that why do we want that why do we want to be friends with glenn back

i think you're it's like you know it's the moth of the flame thing you just you you know your your wings are probably gonna the wax on your wings that you've created are probably gonna melt yes the closer you get to the sun yeah but you want to experience that flight and that height and that you know have you ever gotten jerked off at a massage parlor before no no it's kind of you know i i people who do it are kind of like heroes to me i well i'm gonna admit it's like it's such a process i have done that yeah and um i like you know i've been trying to write this and i'm bringing it up in this context only because when i decided i was gonna do this great dark thing

which i'd heard of people doing and it secretly judged people for doing for my whole life a sleazy dark awful thing that you would go and pay someone to jerk you off like this is like this is like a hitting bottom moment in my mind you know it's like bad so i was kind of like going to the dentist in a weird way to me too it's like a sexually it kind of feels like you're going to the like you got to get something done because you can't do it yourself anymore like whatever for whatever reason your hand is no longer turning you on the horn isn't working you need to not turn the fucking dial up a notch and go get somebody else to jerk you off yeah and it's dark and it's and it and like i'm like when i did this i uh i remember man i i uh i'm getting ready for it

i'm like i took a shower i'm looking at myself in the mirror you took a shower before you went there yeah i didn't want to i took a shower before i went there just because if i want to be rude it's like you don't want to be gross when some poor lady's got to like you're the 19th cock she's got to jerk off so like i i'm standing in the mirror i'm looking myself in the mirror i'm like okay man you're really off track now you're really fucking up but it's exciting because you're like that's how dark you are oh dark spirit take me oh dark lord into the pits of the night let me experience the horrors of the world i'm fearless and so you go there and it fucking happens and there's no darkness it's just this lady's really nice she gives you a massage jerks you off you come

she authentically gives you like a big smile gives you like you know like a warm cloth where she wipes your stomach off when she's done she like gave me a hug and was like what yeah just a really sweet hug and was like you know thank you i'll see you later you're like a baby that finishes pee yes so then you realize oh no no the darkness is not here yeah where is the darkness where is the fucking darkness and then you realize oh shit i'm the darkness i'm the one you made that experience evil i'm the one who decided that that was that was vile i'm the one who decided that was monstrous whereas really what it is is just honestly man there was it was there there was this kind of strange sweetness to it that wasn't even like erotic it just was like some nice lady was like

i'm gonna make you come for 50 bucks and rub your back so anyway my point is i think when you get that we like to fantasize that glen back and huckabee and all these people this whole thing i was saying where he worships some dark god or evil maybe no one's evil yeah yeah right maybe that's the horror yeah maybe the horror is everyone's just fine everyone's great everyone's loving what what allows us to have these like barbecue fantasies yes hanging out with these guys just those guys yeah i also just feel like these guys like i just don't know how and i you know i don't mean i don't mean to like and again i do believe that people should just you know go crazy believe what you want and stuff but i it gets to such a weird theatrical pantomime like a level of pantomime

to me where i just feel like these fucking guys just like have like just a punch card yes and then they're just like oh okay back to reality gotta get some carrots for dinner gotta you know like they're not like yeah i can't see that being sustainable 24 hours at that yeah god having a posing viewpoint to this guy argue argue argue a poison viewpoint opposing viewpoint okay great well it's like have you seen the doc at the morton downy junior documentary that's on netflix i haven't but i'm a cute i love that fucking dude it's great and you and like people who he screamed at during the show talk about how right after the show he would like come and hug them you like that was great you did great you did great so it was all just a big show yeah and it was all

theatrics and it was all like based on this kind of libertarian premise that it's like if you're so stupid that you think any of this is real then you deserve to be in the constant state of anxiety that you're in right because do you really fucking think that this this great pinwheel of television is anything more than fabrication and lies because that's all it is yeah it's amazing i mean if there's have you ever seen tv junkie no i've not seen that that's another one uh nothing look good what no it's it's fine it's just because i had to change it's nothing sorry my monitor we're grilling up some steaks in here everybody because you're wondering what's going on he actually no he just a he actually saw a sonogram of my remaining testicle uh oh that doesn't look good

uh i uh oh yeah there's this this is documentary called tv junk and it's like like martin danie did like uh or martin danie jr martin danie jr uh he did he did um i don't even know why i asked that because i am literally obsessed with that guy because when he did the skin head stuff and everything and pretended he got beaten up and all that shit i mean it was that was fantastic yeah that's just like so desperate and so sleazy and and so amazing and so dedicated to what he's doing yeah and there's a there's a there's a documentary called tv junkie on netflix that i'm obsessed with it is as dark as i mean it is it is insanely dark yeah it's like you i i felt like i was having an out-of-the-body experience in the sense that i was just a ghost that was in

their house like i was a guy in 1952 in their house or whenever their fucking hustles made here like killed himself or like tripped and fell down the stairs and my body was just trapped in this house so i saw everything that was going on right wow or and this guy's life in particular so there's stuff in their house and he's like outside of this but my point is he worked for inside edition and he was like one of those reporters that would just like go around the world and just like once in a while he pretended he gave a shit about something but usually it was just like this like you know uh kind of like a keyhole you know just like like looking looking at the world is as like a uh uh my brain damn you can cut this out right we don't have to cut i mean i'll cut

are you kidding i go into these states every podcast just when yeah like just like you know he's so he's he's anyway so he's his dirty secret is he's addicted to crack yeah and uh he does he does nobody knows like nobody inside edition knows his wife doesn't know uh and uh he he's also addicted to recording himself he's been doing it since he was like a kid like he got a super eight camera and he does like a daily he's had essentially a daily once video became available he started doing a daily video journal but when he was like filming on super eight and shit like that he filmed he was just constantly rolling right as much as he could his first podcast yeah and he so he would like it was direct address and then you realize oh this was this is the

this is the most comforting thing this is his best friend the camera lens right right and that's why he got into tv yeah and then and this thing is the only thing he can confide in is this camera lens and so he just like he's just smoking crack wow and then the next day going inside edition and doing some story about like puppies that were like saved yeah fucking drain yeah right and then going back to his hotel room and then also just like having nervous breakdowns and and then his the camera lens not only becomes he's confident he's confident but also his his um kind of like uh it's like the it's like he it's also like the part of him that's judging himself right so he's also now he's like seeing himself it's so insane he's like seeing himself through the other

side of the camera and he's just like god damn it i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i've done it again i've done it again i smoke crack again yeah and there's this one moment where he's in and just this goes on forever in the movie like he goes to rehab once or twice but you just this pattern just keeps repeating itself and you look at your watch and it's 40 you know like 40 minutes in and you got like another hour to go and you're like jesus christ this isn't gonna go anywhere this is just like wow so uh this is one point where he's like he turns on the camera and he's just sitting in a chair i think he's shirtless in this particular one and he's like well i did it again i did it again i went out last night

scored some crack met this kid at a club it's gay kid went back to his place his first time i did it we shared a needle and then he's like i gotta get it i hate this oh my god dude anyways no man it is the it just keeps spiraling down and you can't stop watching it that what you're talking about there is awesome because you're talking about the cycle of this cycle you're talking about i think it's a cycle everybody goes through depending on how separated you've you've come from yourself like if you can this is this i think if there isn't if there is something evil about tv and there's something evil about the pundits or there's something evil about the hosts who come on and they're

always the same personality and they're always this clean cut person they're always fine yeah it creates an illusion which where people see that and they think oh this is like a static this is how you're supposed to be always some clean cut person who doesn't shoot up with gay dudes in apartments or when the truth of the matter is man humans are fly covered filthy beings a lot of the time like we do crazy stupid shit and it varies from person to person how extreme the thing is that we do but there is that part of yourself that comes that when you wake up in the morning after having had a little too much to drink and you consider whatever you said to your girlfriend or you consider whatever you said to you ever and you're like oh fuck what have i done

i'm an idiot i did it again that dr jekyll and mr hide thing absolutely but the more and the and that dr and jekyll mr hide thing is that that weird fucking that that that is what the christian god is is a dr jekyll and mr hide it's where the good and evil have been split into two pieces and if you can't accept the dark part of yourself and in your line to yourself then you will develop two split personalities and one when it goes out will do insane things and one when it's and you know in the real world will seem way too good right way too sweet way too nice where you're answering i know you're not like this i know you're not like this you're definitely like cutting open possums and putting their body in your very least yeah that's the danger of it man

the danger but then it attracts the people who want to believe that right and that's also yes another layer too like when you know that you're full of shit and then since people aren't coming up to you either are equally full of shit and are mirroring your behavior and somehow haven't actually reconciled that fact yes like something about him i like because you're the same creature this is the danger of being a liar because if you're too much of a liar and you don't let people understand you know that you're just human and you don't allow yourself to just be human i hate that man that fucking yeah especially in relationships with girls i don't know if you do you have a girlfriend right now i do i am seeing somebody you know like i don't know sometimes you'll end up in

a row and like you'll pretend to be someone you're not with a girl because you want them to be impressed with you yeah like all these pickup artists books are filled with you know advice on how to really convey an impression of someone that you're absolutely not like yeah you know it's like maps of other people's personalities that you are supposed to digest the shittiest coat of paint too like it's gonna peel off in two weeks yes it's the way it can and you're doomed the moment that shit peels off and and and and and it peels off for them too and you're both looking at like the real person that you are it's like oh you why does this always fucking happen to me yeah it's because you're a liar it's because the people you get around think that you're apparently like

Mahatma Gandhi or some kind of like like i don't know geneticist or something when really you're just a basic normal person and i that's that you know i think that that goes into every single aspect of life which is this is just something i'm trying to learn now which is like just be your be yourself just be honest try to be exactly who you are if you can and that saves so much disappointment and you'll end up with like real friends and you'll end up in the job you're supposed to be in and you'll end up in a relationship you're supposed to be in yeah yeah yeah i think i think for i think for a lot of people it's like you know and i mean i think everybody everybody's disingenuous a certain degree but but there is like a there's a point where you have to get

you know take hold of it like when it's not just like human like a human flaw it's actually now it's just manipulation and you're controlling it and you should just take your hands off of those fucking controls yeah you know and i think it's i think it's just like i think people i mean everybody is i think everybody's just like terrified of having that fucking weird breakdown because they have had that kind of day or month or year or what you know their life and it's just like oh i gotta keep it together gotta keep it together yeah and even that kind of behavior is just is the beginning of this fucking horrible tangled yes like layer of lies yeah keep it together man yeah gotta keep it together forever forever until i die i'm gonna pretend to

be this self-righteous fucking whatever you are and it's so sad man because what's really sad about it and is this is where you get into like disney cliche but what's really sad about it is underneath that massive lie that most people are living yeah is paradise it's you have within you the map to heaven and that is to follow your instincts and do what you do and tell people how you are and if you have a girlfriend tell her what you like you know in bed don't pretend that you don't like go for it completely man because that map for whatever reason in this incarnation that's your map to experience happiness pleasure joy in the grounded sense of being like okay this is where i fucking belong exactly here laying in a fucking massage parlor getting jerked off

by an asian milf that's why i was saying like you know that's why i was like earlier alluding to the fact that that kind of thing like there's like an aspect of that person being a hero to me because that to me is i mean like people do do it in people would never i mean there's so many people would never say it out loud the way you did i mean just like confess to the world because i fucking i love that you know like i honor that kind of thing or it's like yeah i fucking do that but um uh but yeah i mean like people like that are just like living i guess they're just like i don't know what i'm trying to say but it's just like it's that kind of like id behavior that i love and then there's the cloaking of it which is just like

eh well you know like why are you even fucking bothered the the fucking sun hasn't exploded the world doesn't stop fucking spinning there's no no that's what i'm saying man it's like let's let's lay out like if you if you want to play the game of like assigning evil to act actions yeah let's let's like lay out the cards and look at the different cards so that you know you have on this thing that i did which a lot of people would look at is the height of depravity let's put that card down laying in this like weird dark room there's a pic honest to god a picture of a fucking cat hanging on the wall yeah i love the details yeah just like well they they've put like you know that hang in there cat is on the fucking wall yeah hang in there yeah yeah what does

that mean you're laying you're laying there hand job of your life or just hanging there it's almost over yeah it for me it's hanging there because if i'm getting jerked out by an asian mouth i'm gonna come in like a minute and a half yeah i don't know why so you so there's okay so there's like that the height of depravity now let's take let's look at the other side of it like let's imagine the relationship that mike huckabee has with his wife right let's imagine like the the relationship many married people i know have with their wives right which is a completely sexless repressed relationship they used to fuck they used to have sex with each other but then something happened in the marriage maybe the kid came they both got tired they both started

hating each other and now the man or the woman both are these completely unsatisfied beings they can't have sex with each other anymore because they're sick of each other yet they're pretending that they love each other because they have kids so in front of their kids they put on this facade of this like beautiful loving relationship but behind the scenes they lay in bed together completely cold fantasizing about hooking up with other people they they and they're and and and and they're living a lie there so what's more perverted my here's my quote what is sicker getting jerked off by an asian mouth in eagle rock or laying in bed with a person you secretly hate who won't fuck you but who has complete sexual control over you for the rest of your life i would have said

the second one until i found out that you didn't eagle rock now i'm going back to the first one oh you're right it's disgusting that's why i mean it's like i mean it's also like what you're talking about too is like it's like it's such distraction too it's like oh god oh you are condemned you're going to hate ease you got jacked off by a woman in a room and yeah and or it's just like uh the like the the shit that i'm intaking in my body is just like ma is like controlled by globo core yeah like these companies is like right that's fine yeah that's fine i'm eating stuff that is literally like the people who manufacture it probably would never even fucking let near their the the most hated human in their lives totally fine it's totally fine it's totally fine you know

and it's like and so that's i think that's the great anyways that's the great hypocrisy and one of the great i you know i remember like listening to this amazing uh uh there's this um i'm sorry if i've mentioned this before but there's a story of like uh rom das who's you know rom das is his spiritual leader he's gotten back from india he writes about this he's gotten back from india uh this after he's like i think it may have been after he's written b here now and he's like standing in line at a porn theater and to go in and i probably jerk off the porn i'm guessing i doubt he's in there to like i don't know buy air freshener or whatever incense one of those hot dogs that are so good this is the old days pre-internet used to have to stand in line to look at porn

like you had to see like he's in line to go into this place and the process is great right like you have to go in there you have to commingle with other people who are living in the shadows equally horny in the shadows he's standing in line at this thing and this guy walks by recognizes him it's like oh rom das oh you've changed my life you've meant so much to me and he realizes like the guy's not aware of the fact that his spiritual leader is about to go into this dark place and he's got to make this decision which is he either goes with this guy to have a cup of coffee right pretending to be something he's not or goes in this theater and it's truly himself and so he like looks the guy's like it's great to meet you but you know i'm going in here right now you know and

that to me now that is the moment somebody goes from being full of shit into being somebody that i'm gonna listen to as far as like having a real spiritual philosophy right instead of pretending to be something you're not it's like you know what this is where i'm at right now yeah this is it because you found your ground you found your footing you know you've got to fucking find where your feet touch the ground and if you fucking think your feet are gonna touch the ground on some like the top of a god damn Mayan pyramid where the gods are like smiling at you because you're so pure and beautiful forget it no fucking way it doesn't start like that we're fucking how can it like yeah your parents were probably terrified your parents most statistically hated each other

probably you were taught very weird things and imagine that suddenly you're gonna be great just because you like started meditating or decided you want to be you know how people say one thing i fucking there's two statements that i really dislike one statement is i like all kinds music yeah the other statement is when you ask people what do you want out of your life they'll say i want to be a good person okay it's like what does that even fucking mean it's such an ambiguous stupid silly ridiculous thing it's yeah it's i mean it's fucking massively subjective like ridiculous but i'm the other thing is the other thing that i fucking can't stand is when people say like what do you want to do and it's like i want to be famous

yeah i want to be famous yeah and then what are you gonna what are you gonna do with that fame what the fuck does that fame mean what are you doing with that fame yeah do you like like is it just gonna like just like kind of pour itself into all the fucking nooks and crannies of your life that you know are horrible or the fucking when you got you know when something horrible happened to your kid and somehow fame is gonna just get in there yeah make that all right yeah i don't get it right and i hear more and more people saying like i want to not even like isn't that the same thing is saying i'm very lonely like you're so lonely that you want people to recognize you in the street without you having to introduce yourself to them yeah i guess i guess i mean if

you're you gotta be pretty lonely to want to be famous because it's like you just oh i see me yeah yeah yeah absolutely i think you're yeah i think it's just like it's like it's definitely like a it's yeah you're panhandling for to be recognized yes like you're asking it's like i want to be famous yeah yeah brother can you spare two minutes of your life to fucking know who i am follow me on twitter dude yeah oh god all that stuff i'm looks like i tear that shit terrifies me i have to i do the stuff for my show and everything and i and uh i get it but at the same time i just don't know i don't know what it is you know like i'm not sure what it's fulfilling or why if anybody even fucking i mean especially when it's like everybody's just like yeah i've got like it's

currency you know yeah it's like it's another kind of weird currency where it's just like i've got 2000 follower bucks or whatever yeah oh yeah that's like 40 000 follower bucks yeah yeah that this is like well it's all it's all the problem with it it's kind of like you know when people want a mansion like so somebody wants a mansion now it's always funny to me when somebody wants a mansion because it's like well you can only be in one place at a time so why do you need infinite space in this fucking mansion because you could you it's like what are the extra things that you need i want a big theater yeah i want to sit in those you know like the inevitable garish theaters yeah people have like when you'd go through like cribs and yeah half the shit would be bullshit anyways but still it

was just like this is check out my giant tv set have you ever heard this room i have like the most who was it fuck who was it that supposedly had i don't want to say the wrong person because it's such a good story but who had like a starbucks in their lobby over there fucking no yeah like with no that's that's fake like he still had to pay for it yeah he's got people in line oh my god i went why do i god damn it i wish i could just pull the fucking nail on my head because it's like i want it to be so true it's like a rapper i think it's a dude from the south but supposedly he has like or you have like a starbucks attendant yeah like in like a little kiosk thing when you get into his house yeah all the time and i'm like that can't be true it's it isn't true that's a setup for

sure but it's a clever setup it's a very clever setup but it's like the the the the the the long basically when you see people who send some out coming to money and you see what shell they build yeah you it is funny because it's almost like somebody sat down with a four-year-old and it's like what do you want your house to be like i want a movie theater in my house because i like going to the movies i can have a bed so big that it's bigger than the room yeah you can have a big bed bed bigger than the room that doesn't make sense yes it does yeah so it's funny because you do see there's something in it that's like kind of naive and sweet underneath all the misguided greed and insanity and you know no matter what no matter what how amazing the mansion is or how many segways

they have or the waterslide going in down past the dolphin tank or whatever guaranteed but diving segways when they go to bed at night and they've you know they've like jizzed inside or all over whatever the person or thing is it they want to have been dreaming about jizzing on and they're laying there staring up at their ceiling they will still experience the identical ache that they felt prior to getting all of this stuff it's delicious it's really delicious it's so good it's so good fuck you gonna buy to get rid of this yeah get rid of that fucking ache because no mansion will get rid of that egg nothing nothing else i love it too and i think but i love it but i also think that it's like this is where i could get self-righteous or this is where i could become like an old man

because you imagine you fantasize about a tv where instead of images of someone with a starbucks in their mansion being beamed out to kids to make them think that that's the ultimate goal they're getting like the truth which is like listen man what you're seeing here is somebody who has a very specific type of fever and the mansion is it actually very similar to the sweat that comes pouring out of somebody who has malaria yeah they haven't secreted fucking malarial sweat they've secreted the sweat of greed you know that's what it is when millionaires are millionaire is a form of fever and of which mansions are one of the primary symptoms it's a sickness it's a sickness no but there's no fucking balm in that mansion no no and and that i think

is that that's the great confusion yeah it's primal i guess too it's just like collecting as many coconuts as you can but after a while it's just like you can't fucking eat all these dude you're sitting on a pile of fucking coconuts you can't eat them you can't eat them you dope you're dumber than the dumbest yeah and you think you're this you've you've you've situated yourself in a in a ridiculous in a the most absurd situation no it's different i'm sure guaranteed whoever you're talking about in the primordial past you managed to collect seven thousand conch shells and stack them all up in his fucking house yeah we think about that guy like you fucking idiot what are you doing you old primitive idiot but we love it too but people i mean like i mean going back to like i guess one of

the predating like you know um reality tv kind of sort of a precursor to it but was that that kind of that generation of of idol worship that people like um robin leech would you know yeah that was their trade was like you know just show us like i'm gonna go check out this rich person's fucking house this week i'm gonna show you everything they have while you sit in your fucking you know fecal blow-throughed lazy boy with stains that needs to be replaced you know you're just gonna like you're gonna be there yeah like that it's there's something so fucking amazing about it goes back to the whole fame thing it goes back to even why i was i'm so i was so obsessed about like recording people's behavior on that level and just everything like that and just i don't know

i love watching it when the when the puffed-upness happens you know because sometimes like you'll see it with comedians like they'll um inevitably uh some comedians will get like you see both sides like the way here's one way you that you know a comedian is becoming famous is other comedians start saying that the comedian is a piece of shit whenever whenever you hear that you can be certain that someone is on their way to the top yeah that's like one of the first signs like oh shit wow they must be doing great comedians are saying they're stealing material and they're fucking assholes yeah i hands down i'm not i'm not all of them you know some of the great great sure not it's it is i mean like whether they suck or not it is true it's just like this and if they're

on the rise is like fuck you it's like it's like that naive kind of thing of like it's that concept of like you're selling out selling out it's like a bunch of demons like in the in the mud and one of the demons manages to grab a bat that carries him up out of the mud for a second and all the demons as he passes by are selling out he grabbed the bat it's like but it's like you know it's like a going to like it's it's oh man there's so many there's something there's like all these tributaries in my mind and it's like racing but there's it's it is it's like you look all of us like you know we're speaking to microphones right now and it's going to be going into people's ear holes and brain holes and everybody's got a fucking megaphone sure as soon as the crowd

starts gathering around somebody with a megaphone they're like you're selling out it's like yeah but you have a megaphone in your fucking hand too yeah you know or whatever or it's just you know uh you're just as much a part of the process as they are it's like if you're saying if you're reacting to someone selling out you're just as much a part of it and i i am very guilty of these mutterings and i there have been times in my life where i've gathered together with a coven of bitter comics and wondered about the spiral up of some of this or that just talking in like mordor language just basically like all just all of us just sinking down to just guttural anger grunts the plate of tostino pizza rolls in front of you yeah shit talk people yeah the

universe must be broken the universe is broken it's not confirmed it's not conforming to the way i think the universe should work it must be broken and this is an example of a broken instead it's like no just just just shut up because you're the thing is everyone's probably gonna get a chance to grab that fucking bat and everybody's gonna get maybe pulled up for a second out of the mud and everybody's gonna fall back down into the mud and that's the endless cycle that we're in it's stupid to like to but it's fun to talk shit i must admit yeah isn't it fun yeah it's like it's cheap dessert uh there's no there's no cleanup afterwards yeah you walk around puppy chasted talking on your suspenders yeah yeah and no one is ultimately it's jacking off you know it's

jacking off it's psychological jacking off yeah i love that feels good yeah feels good it's like yeah it's like you know did you ever watch the texas chainsaw massacre part two yeah yeah remember how the guy took the coat hanger and shoved it under his scalp and would like ah vaguely yeah there's just this awful fucking thing where this freak had a coat hanger i think he'd take a lighter to the end of the coat hanger and heat it up and then rub his rotting scalp oh right right right right i thought he meant he was doing it somebody else he was doing on his own head and eating his own skin off his head that's what talking shit is yeah it's just scratching blood meat off of your head and kind of delight in what like i kind of delight in like knowing like we're just fantasizing

about any shit talking people are doing about me sometimes oh god and just like i kind of get like i kind of jerk off to that too i'll turn pale in horror when i imagine like because it's i'm like because i'm like yapping about some guys done me wrong in some way i don't even know or is this somehow it's like oh he's all puffed up shitty and later that i just stopped from open think oh my god think of the comics huddled around talking about you you fucking self-righteous shit with it was like the same file folder of like barely accurate or like maybe sometimes fucking totally accurate but still it's so embarrassing it's so embarrassing i just like to think they have like an old school like projector slide projector and they're just like

running down everything that i do in like a boardroom with a projection of my face this is derrick beckel's that would be awesome asshole cold you could be a found an imposter is among us just like thumbs downing me he's an imposter that whole thing god i'm guilty of that man anything that i've judged a person on i am guilty probably times five and so i i i think since i've said that it's okay and i think that's kind of part of the trick is like just fucking embrace this is the thing i've been i've been trying to learn you know you do just dance i'm not even joking just dance in front of a mirror in the nude and that really brings you down to earth wow you just see your fucking molten body flapping around

everybody should just fucking give that a shot and there'll be a lot of more humble pie in the world guys this is uh this is the the new we we haven't done one of these since the last weird time we do these freak out challenges which i'll tell uh i advise something last time is like give flowers to strangers like if you really want to experience a strange high yeah what you do is you go uh to the grocery store with the intention of buying flowers that you're going to give to somebody that you've never met not a girl so you can hook up with them right but just somebody maybe looks like they're having a bad day you quickly give it to them and say have a great here you go they'll probably think they've been approached by a cultist or something you don't

try to recruit them to anything you just say here take these and it will shock people usually they think oh yeah they think they're about to get murdered like they'll have a look on their face or like i guess it's how i'm die some weirdo gives me a fucking bunch of flowers but sometimes it lights them up so we did that a long time ago so here's your new freak out challenge folks you've heard it very simple does not require going out in public find a mirror take off your clothes put on a jam that you love just fucking dance and look check yourself through the whole song you don't get to bail yeah you don't get to bail just fucking dance and actually do this not when you want to do it the next time don't do this until the next time you find yourself talking

shit or gossiping at somebody go and take a break and dance in front of the mirror naked completely naked and go for it yeah go for it and then just like wonder what's so awesome about you yeah yeah and then realize you're pretty fucking awesome because you just danced in front of the mirror naked yeah and you did you did does everything you did become awesome at that moment yeah man i you know i i think that the the this is something i was just talking to my brother about and uh it's this thing that i i um remember and when i was studying psychology in school they talked about how people tend to have a baseline mood which is like no matter what happens to them right they always return to this baseline mood their default their default mood mood state and it could

be depressive it could be happy but it's always kind of the same and they use the quadriplegics to sort of as the dim it is like you know they the people who had completely lost the use of their body in this dire state after the initial depression and the stages of grief they will return to the mood that they were in prior to becoming a quadriplegic and so this is like this is this is the idea of dharma or this is the idea of like here is this sort of like weird metaphysical dna called dharma which is just this is the incarnation you're having as i'm not saying this is real or not real do you change it or you succumb to it you it's not succumb you have succumbed to it right because you are it's like when you're in it's like already being in the ocean and thinking yourself well am

i going to be wet or not it's like right you're wet you're in the ocean only the thing is you've been trying to pretend that you're not you've been trying to pretend you're not soaking wet and every time you realize like shit i'm soaking wet you're like you fucking filthy pig look at you all fucking wet it's like so so so it's it's not succumbing to it the idea is like instead of doing what most of us do uh which is you look in the mirror and you think god i'm so fucking fat i've got to like get on the paleo diet lose some weight i need to get some i just need to start taking vitamins and you know that you instead of doing that or or the co the other side of it which is when you're doing shit that you think's really great looking at yourself and being like oh look

at me compared to everyone else i've really gained control of myself this is instead of instead of like getting caught in these different things of either like being well like over the top and love with yourself for some temporary phase that you're in or just ploughing yourself for a phase you're in the idea is like you love yourself through the whole thing is then that's mindfulness so this is where you start developing this thing where it's like okay in this incarnation you know i am a you know i'm exactly what i am right now right this is me this is how it is and i'm going to try to like love that being in the same way i would love anybody else who was in a weird situation an idea is that through that practice you that is how you really begin

to shift around the underlying structures that are causing these recurring patterns to happen in your life you know right right but if people became that aware of this whole industry would hollywood would die yeah it's doing great hollywood's doing great hollywood's doing fantastic a tv's collapsing from what i've heard i've heard that the numbers are down no that's he's a pussy and he yelps like that from what where did you where did you touch where he helped him i gave him a little ear a little ear massage he like his ears are sensitive but he's also got bed fever because i treat him like a prince and i let him stay in the bed and i feed him super expensive dog food and like he's like he's like a young dolly llama or something that he's a deeply spoiled being

and he helps like that when i try to move him like he'll get in the bed and like i'll try to move him over just so i can lay in bed to watch tv right and i'll try to move him over three feet and he'll shriek like i just like like i'm one of those people ripping fur off and you're one of those shitty parents oh my god your kid is horrible you're a spoiled little dog beat it fox i'm gonna have you euthanized we're being spoiled yeah we're gonna snap his neck man um i yeah so so yeah i i think that like the the that's the the secret is just is just as much as you can just try to be honest and then love yourself for the thing that you're at and don't expect yourself to be lance armstrong off all fucking day long and yes only lance armstrong can be lance arms yeah

only one person that can be that amazing yeah exactly exactly you can't oh my god did you not like uh you know uh i'm uh you know i'm a disgustingly hopeful like i'm you know i'm like cynically optimistic cool like bathing in both those tubs at the same time yeah but it's like and like lance arms strong he's like that was just like i was just like look dudes i just watched the world like i was just want i just felt like the world was just like reading this poorly written fairy tale right you know what i mean everybody was just going mm-hmm you're such a good see this can happen yeah i don't think that's gonna happen yeah it can't happen please forgive me for not thinking that's gonna happen because he was on my yellow bracelet he was taking weird shit right he

was on supplements yeah or like hormones was all i heard when i heard that you know sorry go ahead no i just thought well instead of like being like hey uh he's a fraud he's taking these things why not fucking start giving these things to kids yeah it makes you like that much of a super athlete why don't we all have access to this shit instead of being like what a monster let's study these fucking drugs and make them accessible to all of us so we can become super athletes yeah why kick the world's ass yeah what was he on let's not give them to everybody in the world though yeah no shit let's keep him away from just one country this is gotta be somebody to yeah yeah you need to out of shape people to fucking judge

i mean god damn it's like that's the fucking weird ass world you know i was just talking to friend of mine and i was telling i was saying i was saying to him like how i have a fondness for dimethyltryptamine and this is like my friend was like uh uh drinking coffee and then like he's like oh you're a drug addict and i'm you know it's really vicious that's the that's the folder that you put you in yeah in his filing cabinet you're under drug oh i didn't know you were a drug addict he's like slurping fucking coffee back i'm like what are you by the way the drug you're consuming right now it lasts a fuckload longer and is a million times more addictive than DMT so how dare you fucking put me in a in this in this goddamn file folder that you're putting it's like these

it's like so to say Lance Armstrong is some kind of goddamn he's doping he's not fucking doping he's evolving the species but he's pretending he's doing it he's pretending everybody is is capable of achieving it oh no but that's like a that's that's a bit of a bugaboo it's a bugaboo but also everybody if you're fucking racing bikes and you you know everyone's slurping back these things and if you're in any baseball if you're in any kind of sport you know to think that like oh i'm gonna be the one who doesn't take the drug it's like you're gonna like we're all they're all America world they're all taking drugs yeah they're all on supplements they're all on weird fucking shit that's manufactured in basements of russian mad scientists that is masked with like by drinking

barrier in and eating certain berries so that you can't see it in their piss tests they're all doping yeah we're all doping everyone's fucking doping it's yeah it is true god damn it we are huckabee yeah we are huckabee oh no it feels like a Twilight Zone episode we they're just like the fucking title comes up and it just says we are huckabee suddenly like you come to you come to and you're Mike huckabee in his green room well no this is the i mean it's an important point to realize that usually the thing you deplore the most in other people is a projection of what you actually are so if you want a true mirror of the self finding you hate and that's there you are basically the way i work i mean it is fucking true though i mean that's just

the more i experience people the more i just realize that like people who truly hate other people are quite often similar to those people in on you know i mean that's what they deplore is all the things about that the usually the the thing is like one person's got the upper hand over the much just like i'm just as fucking evil as you here you are how come you won the evil race yeah what what drugs are you taking yeah what evil what what's testosterone for evil yeah you're doping you know i which is how these guys that's how people find out though right like i mean that's how length Lance Armstrong got fucking turned in was by another guy who was doping right it was like he's doping and winning yeah yeah the dystoping snitch the doping snitch it just probably made

his snitching better i all the drugs he was taking i dream of an america of people my dream of an america is that one day there will be no such thing as scandal scandal will not be possible because we've all recognized that we're all fallible beings who from time to time end up shooting up with gay crackheads it happens it happens we have to forgive we have to forgive each other for these babies he pays his taxes he just slips up once in a while he slipped up give him a break and it's the very sense it's the fact that this guy has to sit hide that's where the shit fucking hits the fan it's that you when you when you find yourself having to hide what you really are from people hey you're you're in on a crash course with the grim reaper probably because

it's just like you're gonna get is so accepted the moment you admit any of the things that you think are so bad generally anyway i mean this whole thing where the ns grim reaper is pretty honest about who the fuck he is the grim reaper don't lie oh it's a shitty job but he's fucking pretty honest about it what i do it's just this is me man i kill everything everything i've killed everything that ever lived you know this is why the um i think this like new revelation to the nsa is finding the porn habits of people to try to expose them to me it's i i think i was thinking about that for a sec i'm just gonna bring people closer together yes exactly it's like that if people need to know your porn habits everybody i you know from time to time will jerk off to dominatrix

foot job porn there nsa you have nothing yeah exactly just say it let's see now oh fuck uh oh man trying to think of the weirdest thing i've jerked off to kind of think of like the darkest corner i've gone to oh i uh i remember once i was jerking off to this hot chick and then she had this like massive cock yeah and she was fucking this other guy and she had great tits and everything i was like you know what fuck it fuck it i'm just gonna finish this up fuck yeah you're gonna finish it off come on jerking off to shit you gotta go darker than that i know it's not even i felt jerking off to fucking loser Jesus christ what are you a boy scout you square

that's how i warm up oh my god i was reading i was reading about serial killers the other day yeah and uh uh anyways just uh that remind me of like in terms of like a dark confession this there's this one guy who had was sleeping on dead bodies like sleeping with the bodies in between this guy in philadelphia in the 80s he just kept killing people and then leaving them in his apartment and his apartment was apparently tiny and he had just like shoved the bodies between the mattresses and sleep on them and then he'd sleep with this cooking monster doll and then occasionally he would jerk off to that whole situation wow so then i realized i got nothing like you know what i mean like that nothing i got nothing on this guy you got nothing and

i got nothing and like anything i've jerked off to seriously is just like so pedestrian oh yeah man i can remember uh yeah i um it's a soccer team and a tube chicks blowing them yeah oh wow a guy's fucking a step sister while he plays xbox barring there's a man right now sleeping in a bed of dead rats yeah it's kind of embarrassing we could we could really like lance armstrong ourselves well that's the relief man anytime you know like when anytime you hear somebody just admit like yeah this is what i do it's i'm not proud of it or not proud of it it gives you this kind of like sense of like okay thank you i guess i mean if huckabee would just come out yeah and admit that every once in a while he's got some weird old childhood teddy bear that he's got a whole cut

in that he lubes up and fucks while he's watching glenn beck you know what i mean it would be such a relief for all the freaks i might start watching is exactly that where it's like okay good great maybe other things that are coming out of your mouth are equally honest man well it's a hard road i just want to be more honest man i gotta be more honest you're doing a good job man i'm working on it i uh where could people find you i mean what's your home address uh people can find me uh wandering the streets uh i have a red bmw um it's from 1986 too late you got a bmw huh well well well uh what else you got a show on adult swim called hot package hot package and it's uh it's like an it's like a weird fucking

entertainment tonight you know what i tried can i explain this yes please i tried not to um do a parody of entertainment tonight and all this shit like i would say this because they're so self-parodying that you're it's a losing bat right you know what i mean sure uh so i'm just so what i'm trying to do is create my own universe and i think we're doing it pretty successfully i'm doing it over at uh absolutely uh uh tim and eric's uh wonderful home yeah foster home i like to call production companies yeah and it's a fucking great foster home um and so uh paddle brine's in the show so it's just like really fucking weird psychedelic fucked up version of entertainment tonight just it's kind of you know it's exact it's just like

well what if they just were like a little bit more honest yeah but it's still got like that bullshit caring sauce like scattered all over yeah yeah so everything that we worship on the show we worshiped to the degree that all these other shows would worship like fucking any bullshit new star tom cruise or anybody yeah excuse me like can do no wrong and then when they do do wrong get still worthy of worship somehow it's great and then so i create my own universe of people like just like the peri caravans in it like you know when you see when you see the heat and peri is like is wonderfully unaware and disassociated and then there's um you know then there's jeff dean turners on the show he's our celebrity gossip person yeah jeff dean turner was in a in a movie

called i think we're alone now where he um uh was obsessed with tiffani and uh uh lisa molano so uh and to me like on these shows whenever people come on and like you know it's george cloney the funny thing is that that's that hotel in italy said that george cloney ordered breakfast before this supposed fight george cloney hates breakfast so there's no way it could have been george like you don't have any when you're just like i don't fucking know that is awesome you know like they always fucking know everything like he would never order eggs like that yeah it's egg and so i figured like why don't i just get a legitimate guy who like menses around people the outside of people's houses and like tapes their picture everywhere in his room

so he's on the show and then paddle bryans on the show from uh he used to be on the insider so it's like this really and it's like to me it was like building a framework that i could um you know show my my actual love of like of of weird tv thing like sorry show my love and and my my adoration for for things that people do in front of a camera do you know what i mean like which is like what tv cards or anything about it was just like it's not just about like how you lose your it's just like wow right you know so this is like a perfect kind of delivery system for things that make me go wow you did that in front of a camera yeah you know um so so like doing it in doing it in that kind of schizophrenic world really like

for me it's like just that must have been so fun yeah it's great you know and everybody on the show like and i do these interviews in the middle of the show uh called ones on one uh derrick beckels ones on one where i interview these people like i interviewed peri caravello i interviewed this woman uh named jennifer day who's this aspiring singer and she's she's got a unique uh approach to singing but she's legitimately wants to be a star yeah now and i and greg valentino the man whose arms exploded in this documentary oh yeah he's on the show and he's like our fitness expert and i interview him so he's amazing like he's an open book he's just like yeah you know sometimes you see these transvestites and they're hot you know and uh you know nature's got to take over

you know like he's like this jacked up guy he's like hey you're fucking tranny is he like yeah whatever well you know man who else is totally open about that jim norton is completely open about that in this awesome way where he talks about liking that yeah man you know i think that's really fucking cool that uh that you have that you are you found a way to um get to play around with this stuff man it's so rare that you get lucky enough to to be able to produce a show like that that that's that is this creative like that and is like it's just it's amazing like you that's an amazing patch it's amazing to end up there and you must be so fucking thrilled that you that you you get the chance to make stuff like that because not every a lot of people just end up in some

writer's room that's really bleak actually having to come up with like real jokes about yeah i mean Britney Spears i mean i really consider myself super fucking lucky um hopefully i can keep this show going because i just like and you know this isn't like a a plea to the powers that be but there's just so many fucking great places you can take something like this you know because uh and it's such like it is exactly what you're talking about too where it's just like if you turn off tv or if somebody knocked you out and just like dropped you in lithuania or something and then you turned on their version of entertainment news you know what who the fuck what the fuck is this but somehow you'd still get yes you know what i mean you're and it's just completely bizarre

that's super cool man and and and also i think you know i know you're saying that this isn't so it's an alternate universe but it's clearly like a satire and it yeah and it needs i think that i try but i just didn't want to make it a satire of their like it mimics their behavior but you know what i mean but that's how you want to satirize it it's by trying to do like you know like i remember once way back when uh i was pitching this show uh with a friend of mine where we were going to try to do a parody of reality tv and then it's like you quickly realized like oh you mean you're going to do reality tv because reality tv is a scripted parody it's not real and it's not reality so i know you mean like yeah the first instinct is like to make something that's a literal

warped reflection of that kind of show yeah but then the deeper level is to actually exactly what i love what i love the way you're putting it which is like really to shine a light on the alien nature yeah of the shit itself yeah it's so alien and bizarre and everything we use is like the what i try and do is like create a world where like i don't make up these people that i'm interviewing and the the stuff that we're like pretending is like the biggest feature or you know the most popular movie or you gotta see this movie it's real they're real they're all real movies you know like we use the real name of the movie um so yeah it's it's like this idol worship in the way that idol worship really fucking dig yeah and it's just like just it's just and it's and you know and

again like without sounding too fucking first-year philosophy and pedestrian about it but it's just like why you know like why not this movie which is this is like it's like somebody earnestly made this film and it sucks yeah but why like when i start worshiping this film and using the same language it is as hilarious it's as legitimate as like anything else that's like being like funneled into their world that they have to fucking mention you know it's fucking great pretending to care is so much fun too oh yeah like pretending to give a shit about stuff and your shows it's those kids you're collapsing inside and and and you're having to like put on this this is why like a lot of times like you'll see these panel shows where like you'll see like

people have been forced to kind of act like they're interested in celebrity culture you know i've seen these shows so many times where it's like you'll see comics and they're acting like they're kind of like off the cuff coming up with jokes about Russell Brand or something and Justin Bieber you know like they even think about Justin Bieber like there's ever been a time in their life right where they've really paid any mind to the kid at all yeah but suddenly they're like yeah Justin Bieber and it's like uh you're just you you basically just you know you're doing this because you want to be on tv but you don't think about it and it's it's a bad feeling i know it's a bad feeling i did that once i did um i auditioned for something where i had to sit in

front of the camera and and do uh jokes about celebrities and i remember sitting at my house because they give you like a list of like five celebrities to make jokes of and then suddenly you're sitting in front of the camera this is like back back and then the early days when i was dead broke eating Korean go grocery stores and if i could get a hundred bucks to do a webisode about celebrities right then i would do it because i was fucking starving and i would definitely grab that bat to get pulled out of hell a little bit just so i could buy fast food another couple of days and i just remember that feeling is sitting there after uh getting myself like all like cleaned up for the camera and then like making like there's a quirky quip about something

is like just gonna be running it's so worth i did i did one of those in canada which is where my parents uh had intercourse uh and then i was cool born there and then uh i um uh so in yeah in toronto they it's torrent canadian tv is like largely acquisitions or just mimicking right and mostly mimicking american tv yeah so which is also what fascinates like also what got me into like just like taping things that were just like not quite the same like it's like here's a glass of milk and it doesn't you know it's like this there's something wrong with this milk yeah it's like fulfilling everything that milk's supposed to do yeah until you put it in your mouth you're like and i uh so i'm like i'm so they did this like knockoff kind of mtv type thing exactly what

you're talking about yeah it's just like here's a list of fucking people and the kooky things they've done and i'm going down the list and i'm just like going like oh fuck i'm sitting in the chair that i like i'm sitting in the place that i fucking look at and go ah what are you doing you idiot you know i'm sorry about myself my chair like i collapsed in on myself i could barely say anything about any of these people i kind of sabotaged it so it would be unerable because i was just like they're like okay what do you got to say about blah blah i was like i don't know she's a famo and fucking nuts you know and it was just like they're like can't hear that you know i couldn't even fucking it's so sad how close to like greatness tv really is because if

that was what happened on tv and it and somehow i that's my that's my like hope about this thing where people like podcasts and where people get to talk normally on podcasts or at least semi normally on podcasts my hope is it's contagious and that it'll spread into into the mass media and that suddenly somehow it will like things will get to that place i mean how fun would it show like that where somebody like you is just like yeah it seems like a famo right kind of uninteresting i don't know that's what i want to be able to start you know i want to get to that point yeah well you know man people like you making shows like like what you're doing i think it's like also an adult swim you know it's all steps in the right direction because shit like that does spread because when

the they see that shows like this people like them and that they tend to be successful and it's like it's cool i think there is a maybe there is a trend in the direction of you know of shows getting better i don't know what i'm saying there's no way that's happening well as long as they don't succumb to giving a fuck about the same like they don't start giving a fuck about the same things that like people it's that misguided kind of like oh we you know people want this and we need this demographic and everything it's just like oh my god like you like nobody it's it's it's like that clip i think it was like george bush senior it was like a famous like campaign faux pas when they started really extra like ratcheting up the pr and having handlers for everything these

fucking guys did because he went into like a supermarket and this is kind of what i like and a lot of these a lot of these people who are trying to be squeered and whatever the fuck they're trying to do to you know there's like so anyways i'm kind of rambling but what i'm gonna get is george bush senior was like he went to his like meet and greet at a supermarket see i'm an average joe right so he goes in with like average joe security yeah with earbuds and like sunglasses and average like an average joe entourage with fucking guns all around them and you know and you don't even know what's and also ps there's probably invisible cloaked seals like fake fake shoppers in the supermarket yeah yeah there probably wasn't even a real shopper in there

it wasn't even a ring exactly so he goes up to the because of the cash you like the the cash here and she's just like scanning somebody she's like hello blah blah she's like oh my gosh you know it's like it's somebody i've seen on tv and he's running for that thing that i love or what i'm supposed to love and so he's you know he's on the campaign trail and she's scanning the food and he's just like he's like what whoa whoa what's this all about and she's like oh we're scanning i'm he's like how does that work and it was turned into this accidental window in on like the amount of detachment and just like lack of interaction with every man like the whole facade collapsed in on itself when he genuinely became interested in what the fuck she was doing with

this device at the supermarket never seen a fucking scanner never seen a scanner no it's so good like he's like somebody you plucked out of the mayfly he just like he he he he ascended and like got into a spaceship and left humanity when people are still going clink clink clink yeah yeah that's when he it's so weird that's so fucking weird man it's like when you see people like wearing concert t-shirts and it's like a brian adams t-shirt and you're like that's when you stop think you know what i mean that's when you stop listening to music here's wow it's like it was so obvious when he had like checked out it was so awesome fuck anyways i don't remember why i was getting on that point i guess it's just like well no the

presumption of like what people want or need or like yeah exactly it's like come on you're an alien that's why when you watch sometimes when i've watched tv uh i i i do feel like well i guess this is what it would be like if aliens tried to communicate with humans they're like they've analyzed us yeah exactly yeah just blend in yeah just blend in it seems like they like these kinds of words and these kinds of like uh they like they they they like it they like shiny things so let's just communicate with them like this right and it'll make them do stuff stuff on top of their head called hair yeah plop that on you yeah doesn't matter if it's like slightly a camera like it's slightly yeah off it's fine well it's a beautiful world i'm glad that you're in love it thank you

for doing the podcast are you kidding me man i'm so excited to be here seriously i love it thank you harikrishna and uh and um guys please watch this fucking show hot package hot package tune in god damn it i think it's still on right after the eric andre show which is also a fucking great show and i wrote on that too i was lucky enough to be able to write on that show and uh yeah man it's a great block of tv it's like eric andre's fucking psychotic talk show and then the psychotic entertainment we give a shit about stuff you've never seen talk show or me in a tv show well watch that yeah follow derrick on twitter yeah and enjoy your week be honest about what you jerk off to and yeah be honest about well who or what or where you jerk off for once you liar lying pigs

okay everybody thanks for listening if you like us give us a nice rating on itunes won't you and if you don't like us why did you listen this far um okay this is a song i'm sure i've played it before on this podcast but it's my favorite holy son song seems like it relates to this episode it's called rebel of vicarious life and it's from the album lost decade there'll be a link to purchase this at dunkatrustle.com but it's on itunes and amazon you should definitely pick it up okay bye i looked as hard as i could into my perverse nightmares and i came out looking like the saints and everyone i know that still believes people they have so so much to learn um

some people might think that you might need a reason to be confused sometimes i think that if i ever did anything especially some horrible deed that i wouldn't want to do it for any reason especially that fact that reason would dilute the act make it almost laughable or petty i mean seriously i'd rather think that something important was developing through me and i didn't really understand what

the end to those means of vc i got to get the quick conduct tonight and discard all habits you won't need i love everything and all that's not easy to say i love everything and sometimes i wonder if that's not something you all want to oh yeah regardless i'm gonna believe

uh tomorrow again oh i've been a rebel against what is vicarious life uh i got the worst haircut i've ever seen i'm gonna mess up how things like that can drive me crazy