Duncan Trussell Family Hour - Emil Amos BURNS DOWN THE BARN

Episode Date: October 29, 2013

The great EMIL AMOS(holy sons, Grails, Om) returns to the DTFH and we explode the blindfold of delusion with high level truth spews.

Ghost Towns, Dirty Angel, out now. I'm dirty little angel. You can get Dirty Angel anywhere you get your music. Ghost Towns, Dirty Angel, out now. New album and tour date coming this summer. Hello, my dear friends, and thank you for listening to the Duncan Trussell Family Hour podcast on this spooky Halloween week, if that's

when you happen to be listening to it. For those of you who are catching up in some point in the future, today is October 28th. And we are only a few days away from All Hallows Eve when the veil that separates us from the world of the spirits is the most thin, according to the ancient pagans who were burnt at the cross and burnt at stakes by the patriarchal Europeans who are so terrified of planet

Earth and anyone who was remotely connected to the ebbs and floats of the seasons beheaded, tortured, tormented, drowned, ignited, and generally treated like an old piece of pre-beef jerky. But now this holiday, like so many other holidays, has been transformed into a time when we dress in weird costumes and go out and get drunk, not really understanding that Halloween was supposed to symbolize the way our meat

bodies are costumes for the eternal soul and that by wearing a costume of some other thing, it's acknowledgment of the fact that all we are is, as Ram Dass says, God in drag, parading around in these stupid, meaty, gristle things and pretending to be a human being who is engaged in some long-running game that we call our career.

If you notice any kind of sound difference in this podcast, it's because I am using an Allen and Heath Z10 soundboard that was given to me by Dr. Christopher Ryan, who just mailed it to me, which was very sweet, because I think the sound is probably a million times better than what it was before. But you guys let me know. And if you think it's better and you like it,

send Dr. Chris Ryan a nice tweet. This week, I'm doing an experiment. I'm going to release a bonus episode of the Dunkin' Trestle Family Hour podcast, a special, satanic, deeply disturbing, hypnotic, soul-crushing, Halloween episode of this podcast, filled with subliminal messages designed to erode and destroy your mind and your consciousness and probably send you into a spiral that ends with you

being possessed by demons. There's going to be appearances by Snake, the top pickup artist in Los Angeles, as well as Alpha Dunkin, which is the version of me that happens when I get the right amount of testosterone. I stop talking like a raspy lesbian smoker, and my voice drops, and I turn into a real asshole. Time of Jesus would carry away babies

and the excitement of being on the verge of devouring a little Middle Eastern baby in the time of Jehovah would cause the bottom parts of the pterodactyl wings to secrete a softening gel. And that softening gel is exactly what the folks at Sure Design T-shirts use. They have an entire barn filled with resurrected pterodactyls and babies.

And in the morning, they send the babies crawling out into the hay. And one by one, these beautiful creatures with these noble wingspans come flying down and pierce their razor sharp beaks right through the backs of these little babies and fly them up into the top of the barn where they have their various roosts.

And they rip the baby to shreds and feed its bits and pieces to their young pterodactyl totes. And that's what causes the wings to secrete the gel. After the wings secrete the gel, the folks at Sure Design T-shirts shoot the pterodactyls with a tranquilizer dart. They wipe the gel up and they put that in their T-shirts spinning machines, and that's what makes these shirts

so goddamn soft. Check them out at SureDesignT-shirts.com. If you put my name in, you get 10% off. We are also sponsored by Audible.com. If you go to AudibleTrial.com forward slash family hour and sign up for a trial membership, you get a free audio book. I just downloaded an audio book,

which I'm sure you'll hear me rambling about for the next seven million years by Pima Children on Love. And it's blowing my mind. Normally this audio book, if you buy it, I think it costs like a hundred bucks or something insane like that. But if you use an Audible credit, you get it for free. And it's basically like a 36,

it's 36 hours recorded in a monastery at a meditation retreat. And it's one of the most profound and simple explanations of what Buddhism is and the effects of meditation and various practices you can use to try to attain a state of equanimity or loving kindness.

So anyway, go to AudibleTrial.com forward slash family hour. If you sign up for a trial membership, you get a free audio book, you can cancel the trial membership, you won't be charged, you get to keep the book. How awesome. Also, we're sponsored by Amazon.com. We have an Amazon.com portal

located at DuncanTrustle.com. The next time you're gonna buy something through Amazon, and my God, I've been going crazy on Amazon. I have purchased recently a dog bed, a Halloween costume that makes it look like I'm riding an ostrich. I've bought books from Amazon.com, also toilet paper and some shampoo.

Because I don't like going to Target. I don't like it. For those of you who love going to Target and like being around children, having seizures that are induced by the weird flickering strobe light, lighting at Target or even more by the probably deep instinctual realization

that this is what they have to look forward to as they continue to suck oxygen into the poor little bodies and mutate into twisted adults who devour the world like locusts, spraying out form and then purchasing it from each other, even pretending that the form makes them happy when in fact it only drives them into deeper and deeper states of misery

until they find themselves on their deathbed staring up at the ceiling, angry at everything and not aware of the fact that inside of them was the splinter that was making them sick the entire time and that if only they'd spent five minutes looking inside of themselves, they would have realized that they could have existed in a state of nirvanic bliss

instead of constantly being terrified and angry. Maybe that's why the babies have seizures at Target. Regardless, I don't like going there and Amazon.com is a wonderful way for you to avoid making that awful pilgrimage of materialism down to the place that vomits out plastic into the households of so many Americans who are confused over why they don't feel good today.

Finally, thank you so much to all of you who have been donating to the podcast and to those of you who've been buying t-shirts from the store, we've got a lot of t-shirts and posters and stickers for sale there and that's another way that you can support this podcast. But what you're doing right now is the ultimate way to support it

which is just to listen to the podcast and to download it and to subscribe on iTunes or to get it in whatever way that you happen to be getting this thing. So thank you, one and all. Happy Halloween, don't drive drunk, seriously. I know that's a fucking shitty, stuffy adult thing to say but I don't want anyone who listens to this podcast

to get a goddamn DUI this week. Such a fucking waste of time. All you have to do is get a cab, get a friend to drive you to wherever you're going to drink. Don't drink. Of course you're not gonna get so drunk that you run over a bunch of kids in skeleton costumes. Of course you're not gonna get so drunk

that you fall asleep at the wheel and allow your car to go plowing into some Halloween spook house, massacring a group of idiots who think that it's fun to walk around a maze and have gang bangers dressed as skeletons jump out at them. Of course that's not gonna happen. More than likely what's gonna happen is you're gonna have a couple of beers,

maybe three, get in your car, make the wrong, did not turn your light on and get a fucking $6,000 fine for absolutely nothing. So don't do that. Don't do it, ride with a friend and get fucked up. Get a cab, throw up in the cab. It'll still be less expensive than your stupid DUI that you got.

I want my little babies to be safe, that's all. Okay everybody, now please open your heart shockers, send your Halloween love sprays in the direction of my sweet dear friend, Emel Amos. If you wanna find out more about Emel, you can go to his website, which is going to be local, the link will be at dunkitrustle.com as well as links to his Twitter account,

as well as links to his music because he is one of the most talented musicians that I know and probably the smartest person I know. Outside of my dog, I don't mean that as an insult either. My dog is so emotionally intelligent. What am I saying? Anyway, he's a beautiful friend of mine. This is I think his fourth appearance on this podcast,

but this one is a real barn burner. So please take some deep breaths, put down the baggage, dilate your heart shockers and let Emel Amos come flying in on the back of a pterodactyl. Emel Amos, everybody, Emel Amos. Welcome, welcome on you, that you are with us.

Shake hands, no need to be blue. Welcome to you. It's the Dunkin' Trussell family. Dunkin' Trussell, Dunkin' Trussell, Dunkin' Trussell. Hello, Emel, welcome back to the Dunkin' Trussell family, our podcast. I'm prepared. Bring it, give us a jewel of wisdom,

some bit of knowledge to transform the world. I've got nothing today. I was actually thinking we could listen to a song that we made in college and then maybe that would jolt some inspiration. Oh, I wanna, do I have that? Can you email it to me or can you play it from your side? I'll send it to you right now.

We'll stop and then we'll start again. Awesome. All right, we're back. Here you guys go. I didn't even know that this treat was gonna happen today. I'm very excited. What you're about to hear is,

as far as I know, it's never been heard before. This is one of the only musical endeavors that I ever went on with Emel and it's called Alter in the Woods. I've never been to church before. Here we go. I've never been to church like this before. All the candles are black.

The smell of incense burns my bones. I was young and she was old. I can't tell if your thoughts are real on your neck. The sign of the seventh seal on your breath and the taste of nutritious sweets from your loins. An incredible heat that's holding soul and that's the stuff of the east. I gotta tell you now,

she's mountain water. She talked back so I shudder and I grew up now. She wouldn't wear what I bought her. And now I'm runnin' scared on the couch. I was a water tiger, a beast of a wolf.

I'd never imagined that those lost onto my wrist and I could be away. To the Alter in the Woods where she would put her feet to the Alter in the Woods. To the Alter in the Woods. To the Alter in the Woods.

To the Alter in the Woods where she'd put her feet to the Alter in the Woods. [?]. Wow. I love that. You don't remember making it, though, huh? Yeah, I do. I kind of remember, like, scaring myself.

You know, when I would hang out with you and, like, only my closest friends, I think a way that I know I'm really, really close friends with somebody is that, like, sometimes I'll scare myself by hanging out with them, like, you know, like, it's some weird way. Because I remember, like, something about, even though the song was funny, it was scary to me

for some reason. It was just weird, you know, like, maybe sometimes you don't even mean to when you're making something, but you'll hit this resonance that's creepy, this creepy resonance that I really love. Yeah, it's, uh, you're dealing with a lot of, when you make something,

like, it could be a comedy short, it could be anything. You have something in your mind that you would, you imagine, meaning it's not fully formed, it's this platonic beginning of something, and then, as you're making it, it's a very, very, very rare, but there are moments when you touch something

and you look at the screen and you hear something at the same time and you wonder, uh, who, who, how did that happen? It, it's happening in a, in a dimension that's not, that I'm not controlling, but more than that, it's happening in another dimension that is already fully formed, and I didn't even understand it or intend for it,

and I've reached through a wall, an oracle, and somehow formed a relationship with a frequency or something, and it has nothing really to do with my will or anything, I just opened myself and it happened, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, another way to put that is like, imagine if people were an ocean that covered the earth,

like a secret ocean of flesh, and underneath the ocean was the subconscious mind and whatever else was underneath that, and from time to time, either out of society or out of people, this weird shit swimming under that vast ocean comes bobbing up out of them, you know, and some quick little flash of like, uh, scales under the water, this thing comes out,

which is like, what the f- what d- what am I? I'm just a surface thing. I'm just fleshy waves, and every once in a while some weird thing comes up out of me and then goes away again, and that is a- we talk about that a lot sometimes. We talk about that a lot sometimes.

We talk about that sometimes, but I love to think about that idea, that concept, and I love to think about the idea- the idea of completely surrendering to that thing so that you don't even exist as a wave anymore. That's- that's interesting that you would sort of identify it with- with the feeling of fear too,

because when you're young, I think you're- you're very in touch with some need to chase the fear feeling, you know, which has a lot to do with like, when you're dosing, you know, some acid or something, like you're chasing- you want to put yourself in a vulnerable position. Now, why you have that appetite then,

I guess is obvious because you've been oppressed, like being young, just- you've been waiting for so long to fucking live, but like, after that phase, we generally- as we grow older, we- I could be wrong, but it seems like we often kind of lose the hunger for that- for the fear vulnerability, and we kind of shut down the shop a little

and stick with what we know. I don't know if that's necessarily true across the board, but chasing that fear feeling in light of what we're talking about right now too is a very essential part of making yourself vulnerable into art or wanting to discover, you know, something. Yeah, yeah, chasing that fear feeling is something that-

and it is exact like culture, a lot of society and a lot of relationships are designed to go in the opposite direction of that fear feeling. It's designed to get as far away from that feeling as you possibly can, and that's when somebody turns into an adult, and that is one of the most hilarious things to watch

when you come upon an adult. You know, someone who considers themselves to be the height of sophistication somehow or like, you know, like the idea of like, this is the apex of the evolution of your lifespan is somehow right here in your 30s, maybe your 40s, as you're raising a child, this is it, figured it all out now,

and when in the reality, all you're seeing is this kind of like, pathetic, hardened crust, you know, that's just, they've decided like, well, this is, I'm just gonna be fine with this thing that I've gelled into here, and I'm not gonna change, this is what I'm like, this is me, you know.

But really, I mean, aren't they just the shell of their former dumbassery anyway? I mean, it's not like there was, was there really like... Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's let this weird solar... Hang on, say that again, this fucking Skype, you just went into robot mode, it sounded awesome,

but no one will understand it, it sounded like Pink Floyd. Actually, what, so this is, since this is so like, we're actually making sense, why don't you double check and make sure the shit is actually working? There's no way we're gonna say that shit again. Hold on, so I mean, the question is, like, was there ever a time, is there ever a time in a human's life

where they achieve some kind of realization and then fall from that? You know, we're talking the prodigal son story here, which is that you go away from your father's house, wander the world, become a depraved piece of shit, come back and you're embraced and accepted, regardless of the fact that you just went rampaging through every whorehouse on the planet,

lied, cheated, stole. And this is that, you know, the other day, as I was like allowing myself to get super stoned and thinking about that cliche statement that Charles Manson made a beautiful song about called Home is Where the Heart Is. And I'm like sitting there, you know, because whenever I've heard that,

I've always externalized that idea, like, okay, I guess that means like, wherever your love is that's home, you know? And then I was thinking like, oh, no, that's not what it means at all. It literally means that your heart chakra or that place inside of you where feelings happen is your home and that so many people

are desperately trying to escape from being in that place. And the story of the prodigal son is the story of a person who's like numbed down for their whole lives and then returns back to the heart center and begins to experience that insane feeling of bliss that comes from realizing that you get to live again and that your period of numbness was just a preparation for you to really get the inheritance

that was yours from the beginning of time. And that inheritance is the inheritance of nirvanic bliss, enlightenment, or waking up to your true identity. I think adults are funny, but I mean, when is a human being not funny? I mean, there's always a pathetic frequency, you know, in a human being.

I mean, because what is, how could this animal who has learned to talk, how could they possibly know that much? What do they know? They don't know shit, you know? And so it's entertaining. It's fucking, you can walk out on the sidewalk right now and have a blast if you achieve the right perspective

and just observing people being confident about their knowledge. I mean, it's one of the great forms of entertainment, I think, in the modern world. I mean, anytime anybody's got confidence, it's pretty hilarious. It is a, when you get around, you know, this is that idea like once a year in villages, I guess, back when people are much crueler,

they would allow the dumbest person in the village to be the king for the day. Like, probably this person was like a disabled person and so they would like put a crown on the person and like, whatever you want, we shall do. And the dumbass would like get all puffed up and like, you know, start ordering people around and, you know, at the end of the day,

he returned back to his idiot state, completely now humiliated by the fact that, you know, he allowed himself to turn into a monster during that period of being a king. And it's that sort of the eastbound and down story. If you ever watch eastbound and down, which is an amazing show on HBO, the character Kenny Powers is constantly going through

phases of being ruined and experiencing some form of humility in that state of ruination. But the moment any kind of success comes, he immediately turns into the biggest asshole on earth. You know, so it's like, yeah, I know what you mean. This idea of confidence that comes from a silly idea that, because you know facts, you know anything.

You know facts. You've studied your whole life and now you know all these facts. Or whatever the thing is that you think you've figured out. That's not you at all. That's why in Hinduism and Buddhism and all these eastern traditions, even Christianity, there's this can, always going back to the idea of blindness.

You know that blindness, that you're blind. You're blind as a fucking bat. You can know everything. And all you know is the folds in the blindfold wrapped around your true self. It doesn't matter. Language, math, wisdom of the ages is nothing more than a blindfold

wrapped around what you really are. And that's a wild thing to start figuring out. And also it's a big fucking relief, man. It's a big fucking relief. Yeah. I mean after we emphasize the infinite stupidity of human beings that you have to, I guess you have to reemphasize the fact that

because you are technically everything and come from everything and are related to everything and are made of stardust and whatever cliche you want to say, you also know everything too. But it lies within a layer of instinctuality that is almost impossible to access directly. So you have to be yourself

and you have to let your, this inner implicit knowledge sort of guide you, which is, I mean, why do you think people go to therapy and read Buddhist books? Because they're trying to re-engage and let their egos stop talking so loudly and misfiring, you know? Yeah.

Well, they sense it. What's really beautiful about Buddhism and beautiful about this spirituality is that it's a trap. And it uses your ego to lure you into the trap. But it kills your ego in the trap. Somewhere along, as you go diving into the thing, your ego gets executed.

And that's what's awesome about it, is that somehow someone lucked up and got enlightened. I guess that person's supposed to be Buddha, but I think there's, I imagine it's a much bigger thing than that. But somebody, I guess someone got, it's the same thing as like, well, you know,

why did the universe start by itself? And the same way you think, well, how did someone get enlightened without the help of other enlightened people? Who is the first person to really wake up? The point is, somebody did it. And then they left all these fucking traps everywhere. That's a really, that's a funny point, you know, because it's like,

the concept of enlightenment, would it exist if it had to have been invented? It doesn't seem like it would. Like, if you were a miserable race, like, drudging across the surface of the earth, would someone invent the concept of enlightenment? It doesn't seem like there would be any purpose for it, but the concept of one person sitting under a tree

and then glimpsing the idea that you could kind of align with an eternal, well, this is not the technical definition, but like an eternal form of happiness, an understanding of a union with the universe. That sounds like something that some actually happened to somebody, you know, and then they tried to communicate it to other people, which I imagine would have been an incredibly hard thing to do.

So they gave it a name, and the name doesn't necessarily mean you stay enlightened, necessarily, and then that's where the myth and some of the problems come in. But I like that idea that somebody actually experienced this thing and then tried to talk about, preach a gospel of it, because I can't see people inventing it in the sense that you, you know, the old saying that you'd have to invent God or something like that. Well, I think it was some kind of alien contact.

That's my theory. It's kind of, it's like, you know, that New Agers always talk about, like, they have crazy fucking ways to explain this sort of like cosmic, you know, alien intelligence that exists in the world. But I do think it was like one of the first contacts that we had with an alien intelligence, and it just manifests in the form of religion. But it's some kind of like, whenever, you know, the more you like really start getting into this stuff,

the more you realize, oh, I'm in the presence of something a million times more sophisticated than an iPhone. This is something that humans worked on for thousands and thousands of years intentionally or unintentionally, and somewhere along that line, during that process, someone completely opened up to that thing that we were talking about earlier, and they became that thing. And then that thing is that what they, everything they say after becoming that thing

is the sort of magmatic expulsion of eternity into the finite, and that's what Scripture is. And then people spend their time trying to understand that and study it, and that's what religion is. And then in the process of studying it, and the reason you start studying it is because you are an egotistical shithead, and you pretend that you're pious and holy, and you want to be special, you want to get laid,

you want to be more special than the materialist. That's why a lot of people get into this shit. I don't think many people really get into this because they're like, oh, I feel called to the light. They think that's what it is, they're pretending that's what it is, but it's no different than somebody who puts those dumb corks in their ear. It's like they want to differentiate. And then in the process of differentiating, all of a sudden this trap has been set.

And now all of a sudden you start, things inside of you start getting pointed out, and the process of meditation suddenly you start seeing things inside of you that are un-fucking-deniable. And now that you've seen it, you can't not, you can't unsee it. You can try, and you might sink back down into anger and illusion, but all of a sudden there it is again. Look at it, man. There it is.

That giant iceberg of hate and anger floating inside of you that you've been ignoring your whole life. There it is. There it is again. Look at the way you're acting. There it is. It's the anger. It's the anger.

And the more you realize that, then all of a sudden that's when you get locked into the thing. You get locked in. You get sucked in. By the time you realize you're sucked in, it's too late. You can't get back out. And that's spirituality. Because you just sit and fester in it, or you get dissolved into the thing. And that's fucking beautiful.

But it's very funny because a very intelligent person set these traps. And the traps were set for really, really, really egotistical people, really egotistical and sick people. Because only the sickest, most egotistical people try to become enlightened. I agree that it's a set of training wheels or something. And then one day, you're supposed to put them away. You know what I mean? Well, you just sort of, you like, yeah.

I mean, I don't know what you fucking do, man. I don't know. I don't know what you do. But the more you sort of play around with this stuff, the more you realize, all of a sudden, you start seeing these changes happen to you. It's like, oh shit, what the fuck? My house is now always clean. And then in my whole life, my house has been messy.

Or I don't want to drink anymore. You know what I mean? It's not like I'm not drinking because I'm keeping myself from drinking. I don't want to drink because when I drink, it makes it so that I'm unable to experience this intense fucking thing that's happening to me. So now you're not drinking for real. And then all of a sudden, you start thinking about other stuff too. And then you realize, oh my fucking God, where does this end?

Where does this fucking end? Am I going to end up in a monastery? Where does this fucking end? And that's where it gets really cool. And I think that's where it gets really exciting. Where you realize, oh great, you know what I just fucking did? I just drove my car into a black hole. There's no way out, event horizon.

You're stuck in the swirl of the fucking thing. And the really funny thing is that everyone's stuck in the swirl. They just don't realize it. So they spend their whole lives pretending that they're outside the gravity of this inevitability. And apparently you get to spend infinite incarnations pretending to not be this thing, not be the emptiness, you know? Not be the void or whatever it is. Whatever it is. Who the fuck knows? I don't know what it is.

I have no idea what it is, but I do love this exercise I've been doing where you remove the storyline from the way you feel. It is so psychedelic, man. It is so psychedelic. So it's like suddenly the next time you feel angry, that classic feeling. It's a classic feeling. The next time you feel angry, don't think about what made you angry. Just be with a feeling.

And you will start getting your fucking mind blown, man. Because it's like all of a sudden now that feeling is so familiar. And you've been pretending all your life that that feeling is a result of people suck, man. These fucking bitches always fuck me over. Man, I can never catch a break. And you're pretending that those externals are the reason that this feeling is inside of you. And when you stop doing that and you realize like, oh my fucking god, I'm just anger. I have this crust of anger stuck inside of me.

And any time that something happens outside of my expectations, I allow myself to fully experience this thing that is deeply embedded in me. And then I blame the external event as the cause of the thing, as though the thing weren't in me all the time. As though it were being injected into me by the outside world. So when you begin to realize like, no, this shit isn't being injected into you. It's you and you're injecting it into the world. And once you start realizing that, that's fucking, man, that is very psychedelic.

Very psychedelic. Because now you're just dealing with the truth, which is that you are probably an anxiety-ridden, sad, angry, controlling, egotistical dick. And nothing in the world is causing that. Deterministically, do you think that you were engineered this way? When you take responsibility for yourself and you look at your brother and you look at your girlfriend and you hang out with a more, maybe a more well-adjusted person and then a less well-adjusted person,

do you look in the mirror after a long day and feel like you did this to yourself or you were designed this way? Well, I mean, it's like back in the day, people didn't take showers. And they didn't take showers because they didn't understand that that was a healthy thing to do. And these days, in the same way, people don't look at the way that they try to avoid going into the way they feel. And that's what all the ego-defense mechanisms are that most people think is who they are. So I don't know, man. I think ultimately it is everyone's fault in the sense that there's... If you're sitting in a cage and the door's wide open and you don't go out of the cage,

but you're always moaning that you're a prisoner, it's your fault. It seems like everything's right there in front of you, especially these days. And I can look at in this incarnation, like, okay, I know what happened, kind of. And it's weird because it comes from the more you fucking... I can't quit saying fucking when I'm talking about meditation. The more you open yourself up, the more you will see reasons that you got to be the way you are. Like, I can look and see, like, okay, well, I had a brother and I had a mom who tended to, like, be angry at one of us and love the other one all the time, and that would kind of jump back and forth.

So what did that do to me? That made me competitive with other guys. It made me jealous, and it made me sort of, like, very scared. It made it hard for me to really accept love from people without thinking there was some condition behind it or, you know, feeling that was going to go away. Do you think it's within your willpower to move yourself beyond those patterns of thinking, or do you think that's just a destiny that will happen to you or not? Yeah, well, like, you have a boat and the rudder has a chip in it, and so the boat lists from one way to one way or the other. So you correct for the broken rudder, but this is the question is, can you change your karma?

And the, I don't know the answer, the traditional answer to that, but I do think that you can, what you can start, so now what I can do or what I've been working with is, like, so I'll be, you know, I'll find myself suddenly feeling jealous or I'll find myself feeling scared or I'll find myself feeling, like, unloved or needy. You know, for example, like, I've noticed that I don't want to have sex to come. I want to have sex because it makes me feel like the person I'm with loves me. And so then all of a sudden I realize that the reason I might get really fucking hurt or upset or weird if I don't get to have sex when I want to is not because I want to come, it's because I have this insane neediness. And for whatever reason, my ego has decided that the ultimate affirmation of someone loving you is to fuck you.

You know, and so that's what that creates these neuroses and really the embarrassing behavior patterns. So what ends up happening is you start seeing those structures inside of you and instead of, so when they emerge and that it's always a familiar ache, the thing that's creating your life and if there's negative aspects of your life, the thing that creates that, the DNA that creates that, what do they call it, mitochondria? Is that what spins DNA? The thing that spins out your life, it has a feeling tone with it and the negative parts of your life are coming from this familiar anger or dull ache or fear or whatever the thing is. And the threads that come out in the form of phenomena that you're creating, those threads are coming out because of your reaction.

They're your action, they're your reaction to impulses and then when that reaction comes, you go into these behavior patterns or you say things that create more of the same pattern that you think is just the way life is when it isn't at all. So what happens is you feel the pain and then you don't react. So now when you're feeling that familiar anger, jealousy, betrayal, whatever the thing is that if you really honestly appraise your life, you realize you've been feeling this with every woman you've been with since you were with women or you realize you felt like this with every friend that you've ever had or with every job or boss or power, authoritarian figure, whatever the fucking thing it is that's triggering you, you realize you've always had that in you.

So you just stop, you stop reacting. So now when that fucking thing comes up, you don't do anything. It's really weird. Those familiar fights just go away. The fights go away. Life changes. Do you think you've become more humble over the past, you know, we haven't lived together for 15 years, so do you think you've become more humble over that time and do you think that it's directly correlated with

becoming less anxious in a way or what do you think? Oh, I'm definitely not less anxious. No, I feel, I mean, I'm just more aware of the, you know, the invitation is to just be very honest with yourself and be very honest about, and this is in Buddhism, this is in, William Trumpa talks about this, Pima Chodron talks about this, Neem Kareli Baba advised this sort of full acceptance of who you are. Alistair Crowley talked about the importance of writing down everything that you are and fully just bravely accepting like, oh, you know what?

I'm probably a little bit of an alcoholic. And when I drink, I kind of turn into an asshole and I want to be important. And I think I know stuff when I don't know anything at all. And when I'm around guys, I tend to be more edgy because I'm afraid of losing control or power to them. Like you just like go through the whole embarrassing list, you know, like you go through every fucking thing, man. And then all of a sudden what ends up happening is that every time you accept this piece of yourself, you free yourself from its influence in a small way. By accepting it, you shine the light on it and you throw dust on the invisible man.

And so now it can't trick you because you see, oh, okay, I know what this is. And I know what this is. Oh, here I am jealous. Here I am being a competitive dick. Here I am trying to one up somebody. Here I am trying to win. Goes on and on and on and on. And those little, when you start becoming mindful of those things, you don't even have to change it.

You just watch yourself do it and it's embarrassing because now you're fully seeing the way you've been acting your entire life, but you've been pretending you're not like that at all. It's really fun. I mean, you seem like a very well adjusted, honest person. It's clear that at some point you accepted yourself the way that you are. You don't seem to be really hiding from yourself, Emil. Growing up, I always had more extreme versions of dysfunction around me. Just enough, I guess, like friends that just, they just couldn't stay between the lines.

Whereas I guess I could be, you know, I could blend in and kind of get away with being a selfish asshole enough of the time that I could kind of, I could learn from their mistakes, you know, to some degree. I think, I don't know what it was like for you, but I had friends that went off the rails and, you know, lost their minds and they're now like, probably what somebody considers the retarded guy that bags the groceries at the local grocery store. I mean, my best friends, you know, some of them became that guy, you know, and I always thought I would be the worst. I always thought, you know, but something along the way ended up being healthy. Something inside me ended up just being, I don't know, it's like an equilibrium was there. I just didn't know why or where it came from.

It may have came from the fact that my mother treated me so well. That's the only thing I can even really say is that she gave her life, you know, to make my life comfortable and, you know, make, you know, she wanted me, genuinely wanted me to be a happy person. So that's the only thing I can think that put me on the right track because, I mean, there was a lot of other temptations, you know, to do wrong or something. So I really don't know why it happened. But yeah, I didn't, I always thought growing up, you know, did you ever have the thoughts like you were definitely going to like kill someone or do something absolutely horrible? You ever have like, I mean, maybe at age 11 or something, you just got a boiling sense of guilt coming from some part of your brain where you just, I think you're just discovering your own individuality and you sort of like the weight of being a person in society is starting to dawn on you and you just, you figure you're a horribly ugly thing and like, you just start to think,

well, someday I'm going to do something really bad because you're starting to get in touch maybe with really angry, bitter feelings or who knows. But I remember thinking that. I don't know. Did you ever have those kinds of thoughts? Yeah. Really, they only came like, not when I was like, I can remember being on acid and contemplating like doing awful things and like, realizing like, I could do that. I'm capable of doing that. But yeah, I never, I don't think I recall ever thinking I would be a criminal.

I kind of romantically thought that I had that romantic desire to die when I was 30. You know, when I was very young, because young people, the one of the most dreadful things to think about is the inevitability of you getting old. So the way out is like, I'll just die on drugs when I'm 30, you know, to try to save yourself from that, from getting old. I think I might be, I think I might be talking about like an early, an early realization that you, that you yourself are capable of doing something extremely horrible. And maybe you're not sure if you would care, like, or feel bad. That's, yeah, right. You don't know. Hold on, hold on.

And you're probably, you're probably incredibly wrong. I mean, it's kind of the... Go ahead. So it's just, you're probably incredibly wrong, but as part of this, it's related to that fear following thing too. It's like you're, you want to do some sort of dance with the dark side because you're starting to perceive it and there's nothing wrong with any of that. But I do, I think my dad had like an extremely lawless spirit, you know, like he was part animal. Like he, I used to get a vision of him. I don't know when this was.

I think it was early 2000s. I like had a daydream where I could see a vision of him like kneeling over a body and eating, eating a person. Wow. And it was like this visual realization that I don't think my dad would have a fucking problem with that. I really, I don't think he would have an issue with that. He was somehow in touch with the part of animal life where you have to do that sometimes. And I don't, I don't think he would have a single regret. I remember him laughing about people who he knew that it died, you know, choked on a cheeseburger.

And he was like, I'm so glad that motherfucker is dead and big, a big fucking laugh, you know. Yeah. And you know, you're eight and you're sitting there in Burger King listening to this shit. And you're just like, I don't, I had to constantly define myself as like, am I like this or am I different? You know, am I more like my mom? Like, would I, would I murder a person and eat them? It was like a thread in my mind as I was growing up. Maybe I didn't have a normal upbringing in that way.

I'm not sure. That's an intense thing to be around that level of numbness. And especially when it's coming from your father, you got to be pretty numbed down to get like that. Dude, I am not talking about numbness. Like, I'm not talking about callousness. Like, oh, he is, you know, inconsciable or like he like ate somebody and didn't, didn't understand them as a person. I'm talking about a higher level of consciousness where like, you know, like maybe that's part of life and you've integrated. Right.

I keep Shiva that I can't, you know, maybe I couldn't get to. I mean, it's also a lower level. It's definitely like Carl Jung was always accused of mixing, you know, pre-conventional thought and post-conventional thought. It's definitely a place where you go where you're running a red light in the middle of traffic in the wilderness. You know, and on one hand you're doing it for selfish reasons because you just want to hurry home. And on one hand you're like, philosophically, there's no one around. Everybody's safe. I don't need to follow this rule.

But there's a place where those two things blend together, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. No, it does make sense. It does make sense. It's that incredible fucking verse in the Bhagavad Gita where Krishna is talking about how he's already eaten everyone on the battlefield. You know, it's like that idea of the, you know, the part of the universe that is the grinder. You know, the part of the universe that grinds down, destroys and turns things into dust.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if a human can really embody that. And I don't know. I can, we want, okay, I guess the idea is you would want that kind of person to be numb. You wouldn't want to think that that person had opened up to this greater realization and through that was sort of purifying the destructive nature. I don't know. It's hard to say, man.

I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea. I tend to hurt people the most when I'm feeling the least. So when I'm particularly numb and I'm really pretending to be a person, that's when I really like damage people. But when I'm feeling happy or I'm feeling sad or I'm feeling anything outside of maybe anger, then I'm a little more compassionate and empathetic with people. But in a very numb way, I think that that's one of the cool things about really being honest with yourself is a lot of times people think, okay, well, I'm just going to be honest with myself. And then they pretend to feel something when really it's good to be honest with yourself and say, I don't feel anything.

I just feel numb. I feel nothing. I don't feel a thing at all. That's pretty cool, man. That's a cool thing to like, to admit that you're doing. You know, when you're like fake laughing or whatever, fake smiling, fake kissing, fake touching, fake being a good friend, fake being a good mother, fake loving, all that stuff. It's good to just admit like, okay, okay, I'm faking this. I'm faking it.

I am faking the fuck out of this. I'm like a bad actor in a shitty movie right now. And I'm pretending to be this thing. And then it's like, well, what the fuck am I if I'm pretending to be this? You know, what is underneath the numbness? I don't know. I have no fucking idea. Oh, that's maybe where we're all in the same boat.

I mean, we're all just wandering into an endless horizon of confusion constantly. I mean, that's one thing I could walk out on sidewalk right now and grab any person that I may disagree with everything about and completely hate. But ultimately, we're in the same boat because we don't really know what the fuck we're, we don't know exactly why the fuck we're doing what we're doing. Yes, right, right. And it's because this is like an exercise I've been doing and I like and it came about because of the Oculus Rift, this VR, these VR goggles I have. And like you put them on and now you're in another reality. You look around and it's like, if you look down, you see a little digital video game ground. You look up, you see the video game sky tricks you to feel like you're in another world.

But it's a really low level form of trickery, which makes it a great spiritual tool because you take the fucking thing off. And it's like, okay, well now I'm back in my own reality. But then the exercise I've been doing is like, okay, let's imagine that this is goggles, this whole thing that I call existence. I'm wearing goggles. I'm being tricked. Every feeling I have, everything that I see, everything that I hear, it's a blindfold. And then it's, then you start thinking, all right, what is there that isn't the blindfold? If everything I can experience and everything I feel and everything I think and everything that I see is a blindfold, then what else is there?

What am I really if that was all a blindfold? What would be left? It's really trippy and fun to do because it's like, oh fuck, man, I get it. You know, this human life is a scab on the universe. It's scabbed over some bigger thing, but I've decided that I'm the fucking scab for some reason. I love this whole idea you're talking to me about last night too. But this whole idea of, you know, that you remove yourself from the context in a contentious situation. You remove yourself from the context and you look at yourself and just acknowledge that the entire emotional phenomena that's going on is within inside you.

But I can't imagine how you're supposed to, like, let other people know that they're doing that because they would just hit you in the face if you said. You don't. You don't let them know. Of course, of course, but it would be nice. It would be nice, but it doesn't, again, your desire to tell other people that they're doing it is, again, falling into this delusion that we're all into. So it's like the reason you want to tell another person they're doing it quite often, or when you see someone really explode in anger or whatever is it. Basically, you just realize that everything is triggering me. I'm just being triggered now. Like, man, I could tell you, like, this is why it's great to have a girlfriend and be as a spiritual practice.

Because it's like you, if you're a neurotic person, then it might be hard for you to have relationships. It is for me. So it's like, but most of my relationships have been completely subconscious and completely instinctual. So, like, I'll get mad and I'll feel justified in the anger or I'll be sad and feel like I was wronged. You know, all these things that really, what all that's happening is I'm going through this slideshow that I've been going through for my whole life. And the slideshow is the various low-level emotions that I've decided are me. When, in fact, they're not me at all, any more than staring at a cloud as you. So it's like, you let these fucking, these emotions, what's great about being in a relationship, having a kid too, or living with anyone,

or any kind of thing that involves interaction, is you get triggered. And so what, generally, if you aren't aware of the fact that you have this thing inside of you already, when you get triggered, you try to change the other person. And that is the deluge. That is continuing the endless process, this endless dance or this endless collaboration with the world to stay miserable. And so when you stop doing that and you're like, all right, man, I'm just gonna, you know what, I'm gonna let my girlfriend be exactly the way she is. For the first time. I'm not gonna try, I'm not gonna try to change her if I can help it.

You, a lot of times, you can't help it. You're still gonna react. You're gonna react. But like, you start not reacting at all. Not being, and that doesn't mean like being numb or anything like that. It's just that now when the feelings come up, like I can, now I know there is a feeling that I get. And the feeling is that, is anger. And it has a lot of different flavors.

But it's generally underneath all the flavoring, it's still this core of anger. And so whenever I feel that feeling, there will be a thing that my, that my instincts tell me to do. Like to pun, usually it involves punishing a person. So like, I'll feel angry, someone's done me wrong. And then I'll be like, okay, well, I'm gonna act like I'm not punishing this person, but I'm gonna make it so that the thing that they did wrong to me is going to cause them some pain too. And I'll come up with a clever way to do that. And that's my pattern, punishing revenge, vengeance patterns. So it's like, what you do is you feel the anger, let's say for example, somebody stands you up.

They were supposed to meet you for coffee, a friend of yours or something. And you go to meet them for, this didn't happen to me, I'm just making it up. But you go to meet them for coffee and they don't show up because their car broke down or who knows what, maybe something happened where they had to go to attend to an appointment or something. Let me actually bring it to something even more real world. You're sitting and eating with someone and they check their phone. And you feel like, man, that sucks that they're checking their phone in the middle of this conversation that we had. You know what, I'm gonna check my phone to show them, you know, or something like that. Like they did something wrong.

Now I'm gonna do something wrong. They did something I think is wrong. Now I'll reciprocate. You stop reciprocating. So you just don't do that. You just don't do that. No more vengeance. You're not getting revenge on the world anymore.

It's really interesting what happens, man. Everything changes. Everything starts shifting in weird fucking ways. It's very fascinating, man. It's a very fascinating thing because you, you know, that you really do begin to redefine yourself when that stuff starts happening. And so it's just weird. It's very psychedelic. It's very intense.

I definitely am guilty of letting people be who they are almost to a bad extent. But, um, I mean, You think you can, you think that you think that that is a, yeah, that's one of the things that things is cool about you. That's one of the things that I've always liked. I, you know, when you get around a person, you realize like, oh my God, they're not going to try to change me. Yeah, I remember I was sitting in a bar once. I must have been, I don't know, 19 or something. They used to let me into this one.

And I remember this one, this one friend of mine who personified sort of the older sort of, you know, Entity that, that really kind of pointed out to me consistently that I was fucking up. He didn't even have to. He just kind of his shadow just sort of like went over me and showed me how stupid I could be sometimes. And I really appreciated that in a way. And I, he said something smirky about me as we're sitting at this table and another friend of mine who was literally, literally a criminal, literally a fucking like on the run criminal stood up and got really mad and like almost pushed the table over and said, You could say anything you want about email, but you know, he will never judge you and he will never try to tell you to change.

And I don't think the other guy really got what he was saying because he just was pretty secure in his opinions. But, but it was one time where I kind of felt like no matter who that who that guy was that had proclaimed that, you know, and all the bad things he'd done or how stupid he was or how smart. It's just interesting to have someone actually pay attention to you, you know, notice your qualities and appreciate something about you when, you know, most, most, most of life is just, is just feeling so incredibly alone and not ever feeling like anyone picks up anything and you're just talking to, you know, you know, a brick wall or whatever, but it was kind of an interesting thing. But anyway, my point is I've taken it way, way too far. I've taken Taoism too far. I've like, I think that at some point there might, it might be true that calling people out on something that they're doing is a healthy thing. And I tend to not do that. I always, I tend to just look the other way because I figure that people are karmically set in design. And I don't, I don't feel like I'm the person that is been born that that needs to like explain themselves to them. And I don't, I'm mystified when people try to do it to me.

But I realized that we all have these different ways of being honest with each other. I was, I don't know what I was doing, but I like ended up on some like a hip hop producer is like Facebook or something one day. And he was like, clearly a very violent, pretty intense guy. And he was saying something about like, I don't know what the what the the current affair was that week, but he said something like, Listen, this is the way things go when a man when I see a man doing something wrong, you know, and I love that man, especially he, he implied, I beat the fuck out of him. I get the shit out of them. And I teach him what it is to be a man or some some shit. But obviously within his animal like universe, this was this loving, he was trying to say this is this loving act where I'm trying, I'm going to help you become an adult and and and grow into the person that you will eventually be by by sort of benevolently beating the truth into you because you have been an idiot, you have fucked. Yes, this is this is so what you're talking about here is the Old Testament God versus the New Testament God or the evolution of man from where the way that we learned was from being punished by a wrathful jealous God to the way that we learned is by being fully embraced by love. And it's, you know, it's different parenting styles, it's different teaching styles.

And, you know, who knows, maybe some people need to be pummeled, I don't know. But like, you know, I know that probably that I know that I experienced the most radical shifts in my personality when I'm loved. Always, when I'm around love, even for my dog, I change, I become less selfish, I become more happy, I tend to try to be like that around other people. When I'm around someone who's trying to repress me or hurt me or change me through pain. Unless it's like a dominatrix I'm paying for, then it's like doesn't do anything to help me. It only makes me feel resentful and like I want to rebel against the person. Well, I got you. And this is this is a very complicated area. I don't think there's really any nice hallmark way that's tie it up and send people on their way with like a positive. But no, I mean, think about when you're like really scolding someone. I'm sure you must have done it before. I don't know. Maybe you never have. Hey, you've must. There are times when you do it. Yeah, there are times when you do it. And for whatever reason, I mean, it's been a long, long time. But like, for whatever reason, there are moments where you feel totally and completely justified. Like, like you finally are being honest with someone sometimes when when you feel like maybe being kind to them has been a dishonest stance.

I'm not I'm not even arguing for that. I know what you mean. I know, man. This is like, I don't know. I don't know the answer either. I don't know, man. This is something I wonder about and not but here's you know one thing I do know. I do know that I've spent the better part of my life trying to change people around me. And it doesn't work. It never has worked. It doesn't work. And if it does work, it's a temporary kind of working where really all they're doing is momentarily submitting to me until they can work out an escape plan to get the fuck away from the thing trying to keep them from being who they are. And I know that when I've been around people that just love me or just give me their love for no reason at all, you know, that feeling of like, I mean, it's so fucking cheesy, man. But in Les Miserables, God, have you ever seen you ever read that book? No, but I mean, I'm not I have not been trying to contradict you. I actually, I don't think you have either. I tend to agree too much. I'm trying to I'm thinking of other situations like, for example, this will this will be a good jumping off point. But like, what about your art?

Like when someone just says, I love your new this this new thing you're working on. I can totally see that giving you energy, energizing you. But I would say in my life, when people have pointed out the ways I have failed to articulate myself. That's been an equally, if not more, I don't know if it was a loving response, but it's it's helped me more sometimes. It's just something worthy of pointing out. Because I think when you're making art, you're in you're actually in the active attempt to refine yourself. You're you're really trying in life, you know, to make yourself to improve yourself, as opposed to. I don't know, having a nice cup of coffee with someone who's agreeing with everything you're saying, or so you know what I mean. Yeah, so there is a call I'm trying to point out is a complex give and take there are ways in which someone can shoot out negative energy at you that I think definitely more in the long run, you appreciate more than the warm, happy feelings that it just seems worth saying. Yeah, well, I mean, again, it's like, yeah, if they're shooting if it's like the medium is not as important as the message. And if the media, you know, so the person is like, you know, someone can come up to you and say to you, isn't it a nice day. And actually what they said to you was, I think you're a fucking loser shithead.

Totally you're now you're getting. Yeah, this is what I meant to say it's just too complex to sew up neatly for people. Well, the so so what what ends up happening when you get around like people who have been working on themselves and are experiencing this sense of coming into their heart or coming into their true identity. They'll get angry at you. Sure, they'll they'll get angry just like anybody else. And maybe they'll say something angry, but there's something underneath it that isn't the same way as when you encounter an angry person who's really asleep and is just trying to lash out at the world. And it's a whole different ball of wax. And also, aside from the whatever energy is coming from behind them when you return back to this thing I was telling you about the Pima children talks about and I think it's an aspect of Tibetan Buddhism which is called compassionate abiding. And so what it is is, regardless of whether or not the person is triggering you with love or triggering you with with their own hate or whatever their shit is, you go back to realizing that you are just being triggered. And this thing that isn't that you're experiencing is not being injected in but it's there all along. So you go back to like every so when what ends up happening is every time you're getting triggered, you've been given this gift by the guru by the real teacher which is the universe that's broken up in all the faces of your friends and lovers and parents and family and dogs and everything. And then here's a gift. I'm letting you see the monster again.

And when you start looking at it from that perspective then everyone's just giving you these wonderful gifts. And it's like you don't want, you're not going to be able, you're not going to be able to change them. This is why I just want to say, you say I accept people to almost too much and this is the question is like well won't we be taken advantage of if we stop fighting the great war against the world. And I think the answer is well maybe see what happens. Feel what it's like to really be taken advantage of. When was the last time you really got taken advantage of? Well let it happen. Let it put down. This is why the term surrender keeps coming up. Surrender. Surrender to it. It's a stampede man you're going to get run over. Let yourself get run over. Everyone else is trying to stand up. Well it doesn't work. So it's like all of a sudden it's like you know what man I'm going to let you fucking break my heart. And I'm not going to try to fight that anymore. I'm just going to let my heart get broken by you and I'm going to let my heart get broken by whoever wants to break it. And then now you're in a whole different world because you're not fighting anymore. You're not waging the stupid war against inevitability which is what Buddhism is all about. It's like look man it's not going to last. Accept it. You're not going to stay young. You're not going to stay healthy. You're not going to stay rich. You're not going to stay happy. You're not going to stay sad.

You're not going to stay anything because everything's in flux. And that endless war to try to hold things as they are and keep things the way they are make things be the way you think they should be. That is samsara. Delusion. Duka as they call it. Suddenly you stop fighting that war. Now you're in a brand new universe. That's a whole different world. The world where you're not fighting every day. You still feel fucking insane. Maybe you don't eventually but I feel insane. But just the act of removing yourself from constantly trying to retaliate. Turning the cannons off. Shutting down the fortress. Put taking your armor off and just walking out into the troops. Stab me to death I guess. I'm done with this stupid fight. It's fun because you're really dealing with just now you're in just a world of either people who are who have surrendered and they'll come to you and you'll recognize them and that's known as the sangha. Or you're around people who are just habituations. And that's why that our sweet Lord and savior Jesus Christ when he was being crucified said father forgive them they don't know what they're doing.

And I used to think that meant they don't know what they're doing in the sense they don't realize what a wonderful man human. Glovely incarnation thing that I am. They don't realize I'm the manifestation of God just forgive them and understand I'm the greatest thing ever. I think really what that cryptic saying means is they don't know what they're doing their robots their automatons their habituations their cyclones of habit. They literally don't know what they're doing in the same way my Roomba doesn't know what it's doing when it vacuums the floor. It just follows a code. I think that's what it meant. Praise Allah. Yeah I will never. But that being said it's all like exists in. I feel like we exist on two different planes one kind of karmic and sort of almost eternal and sort of like at peace with ourselves and then one one that's kind of temporal and and means you got to wake up tomorrow and you got to get up again and you got to do the work.

You know what I mean. And in that sense like I always have this massive amount of energy inside me that I have to get out. I feel like I need to posit my what my thoughts into the into the world or onto a piece of paper onto a guitar or something like I have all this. I can never see myself arriving into the monastic life where I sit in a garden and I take a deep breath and I look at the flowers like for some reason my fate is much more active than that. Like I have things to go do and say and then I know that because it's where my psyche derives like true satisfaction and joy like I don't think I can exist passively necessarily. Well the whole point of monastic life isn't the whole point of monastic life. Everybody thinks it's a retreat but isn't the whole point of monastic life just like the reason people go into flotation tanks. It's just so you can see more clearly what you're projecting into the world because there's less. And also the other thing they say about monastic life is actually it's like the lotus position where you hear the lotus position you think is this soft gentle posture when really it's one of the most excruciating painful positions to get into. And then monastic life in the same way it's like you hear it and you're like oh I just sit around with a bunch of mugs and chant when the reality is you are just around people who are equally as poisonous as the people you run into in the world.

And then you realize the whole fucking thing is just yet another trap. It's a pain generator that's designed to make you understand you're projecting your venom out into things. Point being this is a monastery. There's no way out of the monastery. You're in the fucking monastery. And you know that that that that we always have these little fucking safety at least that you know. For me it's like yeah there's the idea of the monastic life this peaceful life or I'll find a nice house in the country and there's that peaceful life or I'll finally find someone who really loves and appreciates who I truly am or I'll find my guru or you know whatever. I'll get my back fucking lasered so there's no more hair back there or I'll get a prosthetic testicle or whatever the stupid adjustment you think is going to bring you in not you. A lot of people have this idea of some oasis that you can go to. No oasis. The oasis is it you know it's you. You carry around the oasis inside of you. That peaceful moment comes the moment you fucking. I don't know what. And then he died.

Man this is this these conversations you know I'm so lucky that you're my friend. Well but you what you know after I just said that thinking back like the amount of of energy of like stuff that just came out of you first of all you can pay pal me my therapist done afterwards but like the amount of stuff coming out of you is exactly what I was just trying to say about myself like I don't know if you've ever just literally felt like you have a book inside of you and and you have to just sit down for the next three months and get it all out because for some reason this massive Tom of of articulation is waiting to happen but but you now need to do the hard work as sometimes their their moments in life where you feel like you've absorbed so much shit and you finally have figured out how to put it into a logic and you need to get it out of yourself which I think is the heart of of of why therapy was invented you know positing all this energy and all these thoughts and they need to be arranged and heard out loud and you know examine you know to to kind of take stock you know but what you just did I just the amount of energy in the speed of it how fast you were talking I mean clearly that this is like life life performs a function of like unfolding ourselves over the course of your life you know and you're trying to do it and I guess yeah I guess I guess we do have to be thankful for context that let us do it and courage it and I and then do and I guess that is a type of love that we specifically you and me show each other because for some reason I don't know we really do listen to each other we really do want to know what the other person wants to say and I have to say that's fucking rare that is really rare yes yeah yes it's fucking rare I mean it's like that's why you know sometimes your family isn't you know

your family you know and and and that but that is why they call it the song and that's why there's this I that's why there's this concept of like you know these travelers you know when you at least when you just start realizing you're traveling you know and then you find other people are traveling then you share your maps and you share your understandings of the thing and then from that you get closer you know you move further who know you move further along if you're going to use the idea of a path or an ocean or whatever and that's why you know that's the idea that's why you want that and that's why the the conversely it's like but they're they're two different the other that doesn't mean reject people who aren't like this in your life because a lot of times that you think okay I only want to be around people who are listening to me and who I can listen to and you seem to be who seem to have depth but really it's just as useful to be around people who are not listening to you at all who are just these automatons and these habitual they seem to be just habituations just deep crusts of ego because from them you learn to they're teaching you just as much in a totally different way and that's where it gets fucking weird because you're like I'm getting shotgun blasted with knowledge here in this dimension like oh my god man this is this fucking whole dimension as a guy it's like a shower a geyser of information that is spraying into my face like when you hold your face underneath a fucking shower everything is blasting you with the wisdom to free yourself from this thing almost like it's a god damn test we might like we're on some kind of spaceship or something like we're on some kind of like super advanced we're in some form of super advanced school and until you figure out this and this very rudimentary thing that we're in right now is actually designed

the way you pass this test is by using the components of the test to free yourself from the test itself or something where every single thing that you think is your prison is actually a key and somehow from like that when when that flips around I think that's when they take your VR helmet off and you realize you're a I guess an octopus on some other planet or something and then you get to eat dinner um well should we cap it off at that yeah yeah emo well I guess we should man thank you for you for this for your time and for doing the podcast and you're awesome man I love you I love you too I mean not because not because not because I have to go but because it's like a song you know it's like a good ending is pretty fucking important howdy Krishna emo look man I'll talk to you soon and um have a great day and uh yeah I gotta go get this thing up right now anyway I want to release it today so I've gotta go record an intro right now fuck yeah okay I'll talk to you soon bye when life gets crazy and when doesn't it shop right helps you keep it all together now with a little extra help from Instacart if you need your groceries now ish but your options for going to shop right are later ish or never ish you can get everything you need delivered through Instacart right to your door in as fast as an hour

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