Duncan Trussell Family Hour - Erin McGathy confronts the darklord

Episode Date: November 27, 2013

Erin McGathy (host of the amazing "This Feels Terrible" podcast) tells the story if her creepy mushroom trip in the demon ridden town of Asheville NC.   Duncan shines a light on the infiltration of The Walking Dead by the military industrial complex.

Long monologue alert. Long opening rant alert. This is the longest I've ever done. It's 48 minutes. So if you are probably with the addition of the alert, it's probably more like 49 minutes. So if you want to cut straight to the interview with the brilliant Aaron McGathey, just jump to 48 minutes. You'll go past all the commercials and go right into the interview. Good morning, my friends. It's me, Duncan Trussell. You're listening to the Duncan Trussell Family Hour podcast. It is 8804 AM here in Los Angeles. I managed to wake up this morning at 6 AM, and I have pride over that, which shows the things that I've gotten a little, I've got the things are off track for me because if you're proud

about getting up early in the morning, it's a good sign that you're being kind of lazy because the best thing to do is to get up early in the morning. Waking up early in the morning is one of the greatest ways to reset yourself. There's a lot of ways to reset yourself. Like running five miles is a way of pressing reset on your, on your body. Waking up really early in the morning and dragging yourself out of bed and standing underneath the beautiful morning sky and looking around at how beautiful the morning is to remind yourself that for so many months or years, depending on who you are and what you do, you've been missing one of the most glorious times of the day, which is the morning. Morning is the best

time of the day. You know, you're not going to run into in the morning Kesha. That's why it's good. That alone is a reason the morning is a beautiful time to be out there. And yes, God damn it, I am going to talk shit about Kesha. I don't like her. I just listened to this awful song, this new cat. I don't know if it's a new Kesha song, but I had the terrible misfortune of stumbling upon this Kesha song where she's like dancing around. There's pentagrams and she's telling teenagers I should die. Basically it's a million times creepier than Black Sabbath because like Black Sabbath or any of the old death metal or heavy metal bands that you had to play, you had to play them backwards to hear kill yourself. Kesha just comes out and it says,

yeah, just get choked to death on sperm teens. I don't like it. It's weird. I feel bad. Seems like she's, I mean, I know I'm going to sound like an old man here, but it really does feel like she's luring teens into like texting and driving. That's, that's, that's what it ends up translating. Like for Kesha, her noble idea of prancing around at night through nightclubs, giving hand jobs to bouncers and snorting enough cocaine to kill a fucking sperm whale, which essentially is what she is, is not what translates to a kid. For a kid, living it up probably just means driving their mom's Hyundai down the wrong side of the freeway while texting about how they're living life and obliterating some minivan filled with a family on their way to,

I don't know, Disneyland at night. That's weird. I don't, anyway, the point is the morning is the opposite of Kesha. I wish more singers would embody the morning more than Kesha's version of the slimy, stinky, glittery, gross night where like people have sprayed on that awful stinking body spray all over their body and are just sort of like, I don't like going out at night to the, to, to like, to where people are really like have quote, having a good time. They're not having a good time. At least it doesn't feel like that to me. Anytime that I've been, you know, I just went through a spate of going out more times than I have in years. I won't go into details about it, but I ended up going out

to, you know, I had to go out to clubs at night more times than I would have liked and it was, every time it was just this jarring, shocking experience and it always felt like I was having to like pretend that this wasn't just walking into one of those, when you see a nature video of a hole in the ground and they show the baby snakes squirming all over each other, that's just what that's what it feels like at these clubs. Like, I don't, when I was, when I, listen kids, when I was growing up, we didn't go, we wouldn't go drinking at clubs. I mean, sure, maybe you'd go somewhere and have a few beers, but if you were really going for it, you'd go to like some warehouse where people were dropping liquid acid into your mouth and using body paint to paint each other,

torch, people swinging torches around and stuff. You didn't go to some bar and have a couple of martinis and bowl with people dressed up like they're from the 40s and then act like you're having fun, even though you can just feel the effects of the booze sinking in and you're just surrounded by people growing increasingly desperate because they're not going to have somebody to finger that night. That's not what we did. What we did is we went to places where it felt like there was a possibility that the universe was going to split open and aliens were going to drag us into some alternate dimension where we're going to merge again with the Godhead. You know, Sufi's dressed in robes, hanging out, people dancing in bizarre, intense patterns that seem to

indicate that they had merged together to form some kind of universal, kaleidoscopic flesh being not fucking goddamn waiting for the valet while you're having to breathe some asshole cigar smoke and listen to people with alcohol poisoning yammer about how they have a great access to cocaine, gross fucking cashews, the Pied Piper pigs. Anyway, I sound like an old man. That's not the point of all this. What was I talking about? Here's the point. I've become addicted to this show called The Walking Dead and I'm sure you guys have heard of it. I actually watched all the various seasons of this show on and off. I sort of like tuned out halfway through last season just because I got bummed out by the small... Anyway, I don't want to spoil the show for you,

but I usually download stuff to watch because I don't like watching commercials and I don't like watching cable TV. Watching cable TV is really creepy to me, but I do like it because it's creepy, but then I don't like it because it's creepy because cable TV, if Satan is the father of lies, then TV would be Satan's hypnotic cock just shoving its way into the brains of all those watching television and that's fun if you can see it that way. But if you don't see it that way, then I think it's a bit of a dangerous thing because you can end up sort of not even realizing that you're getting conditioned or programmed or dare I say brainwashed by one of the most incredibly hypnotic devices that has ever existed on this planet. I mean, it is hypnotic and that's

what's happening when you're watching TV. It's inducing hypnosis and there's all these different phases like just watch yourself go into a state of mindfulness the next time you sit down to watch TV like really just sit down and watch the way your body feels as you begin to relax and your third eye opens up and you begin to absorb the information that's being slung at you by the television. Most of us when we're watching TV at night, we're also like using neurological lubricants to try to really like moisten ourselves up and get ready for penetration by the major corporations of the planet. So we're drinking or smoking weed. I don't know what you guys do. Maybe you're snorting ketamine or heroin but I doubt it but maybe whatever you're doing usually the ritual of watching TV

for many many people also involves some kind of intoxicant and so you get nice and loosened up and you turn on the TV and you watch it and so there's these two phases these two things that are happening on every network TV show which is the induction phase of the hypnosis which is the story that you're watching you know it's the it's the actors it's the show itself that that induces the initial stage is very hypnotic because they call them actors but really what they are is hypnotists a good actor is a great hypnotist in the sense that they are so interesting to watch because they're all very symmetrical and they're all very they just have this like interesting quality to them that's what that's what makes a great actor they say you look good on camera you know they have

a lot of names for it he's got it and what that it is is the ability to draw attention they're like these little attention magnets these little gravity fields that suck human attention into them that's what they do and it's awesome it's really cool to watch but that's why it when when you watch acting especially like on The Walking Dead and you look at the way the characters are acting you'll notice that the way they're acting is not the way humans act at all their movements are more pronounced their movements are hypnotic because that's what they're doing they're hypnotizing you so that you can get absorbed completely into the show and this is why people get really upset and mad and when there's a shitty actor on a show you know and what people will say is god man that

guy brings me out of it and what he means is he brings me out of the hypnotic state that all these other great hypnotists have placed me into and that's an uncomfortable feeling you don't like that feeling you want to be drawn completely into the show until you experience at the very height a kind of ego transference where you're no longer even existing in your bedroom or living room but now you have completely merged with the show itself you are practically one of the characters and that is when you really begin to experience the kind of like the high of television which is this sort of you experience the loss that the characters experience and you experience the triumphs that the characters experience and now that's what makes good tv and good movies so insanely

addictive but for this to happen for you to really merge with these characters it requires a fairly profound state of hypnosis so that's what's happening tv is hypnotizing you that's the first phase the second phase of this hypnotic induction is that in between the show you get these products shown to you you get all these weird products that they want to sell so now listen what if you're a salesman and you and you want to sell your stuff who would you rather sell yourself to would you rather sell your stuff to somebody who you had to go door to door and talk to them uh or would you rather sell your stuff to somebody who has already been hypnotized by a master hypnotist clearly the latter but the you know

the former happens too and that's why a good salesman is also a good hypnotist because a good salesman will come in will meet you will size you up will analyze your weaknesses and your strengths and your insecurities and will begin to actually mimic and mirror the way that you are it's called mirroring they'll start moving the way that you move so that you begin to sort of experience that same kind of merging with the salesperson where the differences between you two are uh seemingly obliterated and then you're just this guy you know i you know what this guy really just seems like me i guess i will trust him so it's like it's the same idea but uh tv is a much more advanced way of selling stuff because they lure the human attention into this trap using this uh

using uh shows and then once the human attention has been sucked in it it wants to stay there and once it's there and nice and big and dilated and open and gaping and lubricated and oozing then the corporations come and they shove their uh materialistic cocks deep inside of our consciousness and fill our brains with all these weird uh seeds which may or may not grow in fact the odds are that whatever the product is that they're selling on a tv show you're not going to want and uh the odds are more likely that you're not going to want it because the corporations know that they only need you know five percent of people watching to be interested in the product that's enough especially with something like The Walking Dead or a very popular show The Walking Dead gets 16

million viewers 16 million think about that 16 million people watch The Walking Dead now that might be a tough thing to really picture to visualize so I have done some math because I started thinking about this and I started thinking like well what would 16 million brains look like especially because it's a show about zombies so I google searched I did some research here the average human brain weighs three pounds so if we have 16 million people watching The Walking Dead and they all have an average size brain then you get 48 million pounds of brains which are being hypnotized by The Walking Dead now that comes out to 24,000 tons thank you Wolframalpha.com check it out it's a very amazing website 24,000 tons now that is to to visualize how if you if

if you like hamburger meat is that a that's not a word at all but if you shoved all those brains together like you're making a hamburger that would be a brain that was half the size of the titanic that's a 24,000 ton brain 6,000 elephants that's a 6,000 elephants worth of brains or approximately nine olympic-sized swimming pools filled with brains being jizzed on by the walking dead and the commercials they put in between it so that's a lot of brains man that's 2.78 acres of brains like if you if you could stretch all if you spread all these brains out in olympic size swimming pools then you would you would have acres of brains like when you see the solar panel arrays that they have out in the desert it would be like that like you could fly over it with a

helicopter and look down and just see this huge swath of brains only instead of like processing solar energy the brains are processing the energy that's being shot out of these weird hypnotic rectangles that we all have in our houses and another way to look at it is imagine the if you imagine a brain half the size of the titanic and then imagine that that brain was inside a giant pig think how big that pig would be that would be a huge fucking pig and that's essentially what's happening you see these corporations and and and the networks and and the government recognizes that the population of america is which is 319 million people or 957 million pounds of brains could be divided up into like kind of like a herd of pigs and uh

with giant giant brains and so the idea is you've got to hypnotize these giant pigs for a lot of different reasons uh one reason you want to hypnotize these pigs is because if you hypnotize them in the right way it will cause their nipples to secrete uh this special energy which which is we call money so the walking dead gets this pig this giant pig which is all the people watching it uh to secrete out of all the various nipples on its body and these nipples represent all the different demographics so when you're watching when you're watching a whatever an advertisement for dr shoal's foot sponge or whatever it is and you're like i don't know never put that in my fucking shoe my feet feel great well that that's because that it's not that beam

is not being directed at your particular nipple that that it's on this giant pig of which you're one tiny little pixel but then when you watch something else who knows maybe it's a commercial for the beautiful new ipad my god the glorious glowing sweet thin super perfect ipad and you're watching that you might kind of be like man you know what i wish i could afford one of those that'd be really cool that means that your nipple is starting to glisten the part of the nipple that you are on the giant hell pig that's being conditioned and controlled by these mass corporations has started getting a little wet like they're starting to get you into the idea of owning an ipad which is why they don't just show the product in these commercials they don't do that they

actually they actually um show the product being surrounded by a specific lifestyle that's what that's what they show so when you're watching you all you'll see like my god look at these well dressed beautiful people and their lives they're so happy they're always so happy in these commercials the only time the actors aren't in a state of deep materialistic ecstasy in these commercials is when it's a depression commercial and even then they're doing great even then it's like they're going to be wandering around some beautiful parks surrounded by happy medicated people who are just sort of trying to get them to come to terms with the fact that they need to take some serotonin uptake reinhibitors so they can exist in a society where you can basically only move at right angles

and if you um if you uh if you uh right angles in traffic i mean i if you want to walk in circles around your house you can but once you go out in the public it's like you you're moving at right angles friend stop lights and you're just essentially trapped and what could be compared to some kind of massive maze for uh the weird species that we are um and that might make you feel depressed and the answer to that is to take serotonin uptake reinhibitors of course not to not to experiment with psychedelics or to uh meditate you'll never see that on a commercial ever so anyway the point is you these products not only are when you watch uh these commercials are you being sold products you're also being sold an idea of what is normal they're showing you what is normal and it's really powerful

like when you watch these things you really can't you fall into the idea like my god yeah i guess that's what girls are supposed to look like i guess that's what women look like and that's what women do and i guess that that's the ideal man is this kind of symmetrical cowboy who's like can't get his dick hard so he's got to take sealis i don't know if you've seen that commercial but his rugged symmetrical man now if you go out in the public and you look around you will see that the human species tends to not be beautiful i think we're beautiful you know i i think there is beauty inside of us not to sound like a fucking hallmark card but you know if you go and look around people are disheveled generally they're maybe they've like combed their hair or something but people in

general they're just you know unique creatures with wrinkles that come from the the many hardships to be endured when you get shot out of a vagina into a dimension where everyone's gonna die but when you watch commercial man everybody is so beautiful and symmetrical and they're all wearing really nice clothes and man they've got it together aren't they buttoned up they are so buttoned up like they figured it out i don't know what they did i don't know what classes they took or what lecture series they went to but they have really gotten themselves nice and polished and fixed up their hair is perfect their eyes are sparkling with this glow that usually comes from love between them and their mate you know they'll show like a couple wandering into a car dealership

and this couple i mean this is a couple that is this is a couple that hasn't been so balanced and in love since the huckstables this is a couple that is so perfect for each other like they it's an act of god that these two came together we're talking present like this is the same thing you see when like obama uh and michelle are together like my god they see they are so fucking happy this is like pure happiness and they're everything's working out they flip some houses i guess and now they're gonna go get into deep debt uh by getting into a strange bargain with a bank because that's what happens when you're buying a car so it's really weird because these like when you when these when this beautiful couple wanders into a car dealership uh they they they um they um they

seem so clever they're always portrayed as like really clever like they know how to pick the right car this couple is not going to pick a car that doesn't have what they need to keep their family safe this couple is going to pick a car that is completely going to supply all that they need for their wonderful offspring so basically the car dealership is the the the evil car dealership which represents all the other dealerships that are selling other cars that are exactly like the car this particular dealership is trying to sell not only is that car dealership trying to rip you off it wants to hurt your fucking family it wants to hurt your family so you're clever these couples are always depicted as clever they're clever enough to buy the right car they're not clever enough to

understand that they've been completely manipulated and sucked in by a massive banking cartel they don't realize that and most of us don't realize that because it all seems normal because we've been seeing it so much from the moment we were born you watch a car commercial and we get used to that weird thing that pops up at the bottom of the screen that shows the APR and monthly finance payment option fast talking weird guy and all this like fine print suddenly springs up in front of you that just seems normal that is not fucking normal see this is why selling cars this is if you wonder why like car commercials always come up on the on the tv why it seems like everybody apparently is in the process of buying a new car here's why selling a car is one of the greatest

achievements that a salesperson can make because but not only are you selling a fucking car you're getting somebody chained into a debt contract and that is so lucrative you haven't just sold this product you've managed to like get someone trapped in a goddamn deal that they it's gonna end up costing them so much more than the car actually costs and they make it seem like you know no monthly payments for the first year it none of it matters because all that really is happening is you are getting into debt with with a bank and some of us can just afford to buy a car flat out but you'll never see that on a car commercial you'll never see the couple come in and say all right well buy the car here's a check for the full price of the car never will you see

that because that is not what the car companies want the car companies want you to get into debt so that they can make money off of you having to pay interest on the thing that you bought that more than likely you didn't need at all because earlier versions of cars even last year's model man it's like you got to get rid of those fucking things into the year sale we got to get rid of these pieces of shit they're they're eight months old it's a it's a it's a really creepy devious thing and it's fun to to sit back and watch it all and know that what you're witnessing is the ongoing manipulation of a giant pig that consists of all the people who happen to be tuning into that show and what you're also seeing is not only are they trying to get that pig discreet money

out of its poor little nipples they're trying to teach the pig what's right and what's wrong which is why these shows always have these kind of obvious morals where the good guy tends to win but what is a good guy a good guy is usually a guy who follows the exact same principles that happen to coincide with the the current laws of society so the idea is if you follow the rules and you follow the laws you'll tend to be okay in the end but if you don't then you're gonna end up getting your brain eaten by zombies or some various some version of that i mean the most extreme cases are the shows like locked up raw which actually like scare the shit out of you by showing what happens if you get caught uh with like you know weed in your

pocket in the wrong state you can end up in a giant dungeon filled with rapists so tv is intense to watch and i know a lot of this stuff might not be new to you forgive this long winded rant in the beginning it's just something that's really gotten to me but uh here's what's here's the whole point of this thing 26 minutes in while i was watching The Walking Dead i began to realize that these characters in The Walking Dead many many many many of them were ex-military they keep bringing up the military the military the military and it's like there there there's tanks everywhere and there's like look i understand maybe someone in the military would be more likely to survive the uh zombie apocalypse but a lot of these people will say things like now i'm in the

reserves it's just weird to me like i don't i don't know if the writers were like yeah let's populate this this world with ex-military people but there seems to be something a little more sinister there because the implication of that when you're watching survivors in an apocalypse saying that they're ex-military is that if you want to survive in the world the best thing you can do is join the military and that is creepy man that's creepy because even if it's unintentional still in the in the in a state of deep hypnotic induction as you're watching this if you're like a teenager who maybe doesn't have a lot of money then suddenly you're going to start thinking that a viable option for you is to join the military and not only is it a viable option but it may

help you survive some catastrophic collapse now i don't know i don't i don't know if that's really happening uh i don't know if um i don't know how that would even work you know like what with the military contact the walking dead or would they give them money to in the same way that product placements happen with would that happen does that happen in tv because we know that this happens in like you know Jay Leno's show we know that Jay Leno during his open opening monologues will do jokes about Chick-fil-A or Wendy's or uh Firestone or you name it he'll he'll do some kind of weird joke about a product but he does that because he's it's a form of paid product placement and we know that we know that the walking

dead uh has like cars like you know which car is the product placement because it's a car that somehow was managed to not get that banged up even though it's been running it driving over zombies so so or maybe it like survived somehow you know it's it has enough traction to like roll out of a pile of smushed zombies or something you know there's product placement there and and i think there might even be product placement in shows like eastbound and down like i i don't i don't know if you saw this it's not really a spoiler but in this last episode of eastbound and down kenny powers like goes into this whole weird thing about southwest airlines just like so obvious so we know that we're used to product placement in our shows and our movies so that

the question is is there like deeper product placement because if massive corporations know that they can sell more product by having shows right in moments where these products are showcased wouldn't the greatest and most powerful corporation on earth which is the military industrial complex also know that by getting shows to portray um the military as being one of the sure fireways to survive the zombie apocalypse wouldn't they know that that's like going to be good for their for business wouldn't it be in their budget to do the same thing that other corporations do i don't know i really don't know i would love it if anybody had any kind of like information about this i um uh have been uh talking with this amazing investigative journalist

named amber lion she's going to be on the podcast uh she's in a in a month or so but um i was asking her about this um and uh she uh because she's had like direct direct experience with uh you can you just google search her because her story is amazing but she's had direct experience with like news organization organization she's worked for slanting uh trying to get her to slant stories based on like apparently wanting to uh spread government propaganda to fix into what it fit into whatever storyline the government wants but i was asking her i know i was telling her about this weird paranoid moment that i had um about uh about the um with the walking dead and the in the constant reference to the military and she sent me this amazing

article that was in rolling stone uh by um about cia infiltration of media it's by carl Bernstein and i'll have the link for that it's a very long kind of like complex article but the gist of the thing is that the cia actually uh has been proven it's been proven that the cia would hire journalists or have journalists working for them to spread propaganda so if the cia is getting into the news networks and this is all proven this isn't like crazy uh september 11 conspiracy theory stuff this has all been proven journalists have admitted doing it and have even said that they're proud of their work so if a government organization is infiltrating the news networks is it that crazy to think that government a government organization like the military

would infiltrate shows like the walking dead to try to portray uh ex-military people as being more likely to survive which i may i think maybe they would be i don't think it's that far off but my question is is it something accidental or is it something intentional and even if it's accidental isn't it kind of fucking weird anyway isn't it strange to think that 16 million brains are absorbing this subliminal idea that if you want to survive there in the last episode it wasn't just survived in the last episode i remember someone saying i wanted to make something myself that thing you know that party line you know that if you want to make something of yourself you should you should join the military like that's the best way to really make something of yourself

i mean watch any military commercial and you can see what the storyline is it doesn't show when they show commercials for the military quite often it'll show someone working in some kind of like weird air conditioned underground bunker with all these awesome displays that looks like they're in 24 or something like operating these cool computers and beautiful like beautiful you're basically in a spaceship and it's and you look great they don't show you pissing yourself uh as you as you as you try to push your friends and testants back into a stomach in military commercials usually i've never seen that they don't show that they don't show the reality of war in these commercials they show sort of this sort of very polished version of war they don't show

what they showed in dirty wars which is a great great show that you should watch on netflix which is basically like from time to time little accidents happen in strange parts of the united states military will go into villages in afghanistan and just accidentally shoot pregnant women in the face uh they don't show that either so yeah i don't know i don't know i mean already i can already kind of feel the the some people out there like you don't support the troops yeah and i know people some people who are actually in the military listen to this podcast uh and i and i hope that i'm not depressing you but i think that if you're out there in the in the dust that you're more aware of what's going on uh than anybody else and i i have a feeling

that you you recognize that maybe the commercials that you've watched about the military don't necessarily portray exactly what happens when you're at war uh and because what really happens when you're at war is you're you're either like apparently bored off your ass doing like basic like stocking shit and like i don't know like a lot of just like basic boring drudge work but uh also sometimes you're um you're killing people you're killing people i mean isn't that that that's kind of like the main idea is that you're killing people it's like you're a firefighter only you're not putting out fires you're putting out human lives that apparently are potentially destructive to the country that you're fighting for so it's like you're a firefighter

of death or your i don't know you're in a life extinguisher basically so that's my weird rant hopefully there's some point to it hopefully it makes some kind of sense the essence being is the walking dead a fucking shill for the military industrial complex y'all can someone find this out for me is there a way to find this out can somebody investigate whether or not these fucking constant references to the military are based on the idea that people who have been in the military are more likely to survive the zombie apocalypse are they there because there's some kind of weird collusion between the walking dead and the fucking military are they getting money for talk for like portraying um

care as survivors as being former military people i need to know someone find this out from it either way it gives me the heebie jeebies it's a lot scarier to imagine uh that that that that some show about zombies and the apocalypse is somehow a hypnotic tool for the military industrial complex than it is to him to to worry about zombies eating your brains that's for sure i mean in a way it is like a zombie eating the brain of this fucking giant weird poor hypnotized pig that's being suckled at by the demonic corporations of america that desperately want to get it in debt to the global banking cartels that have somehow in some weird gulliver travel way have managed to use their evil um contracts to uh tie this poor being down on

the sand of debt which is uh the way many people find themselves after being tricked by the media you know you just end up coming to the realization like holy shit man i'm fucking deeply in debt to the banks through credit cards and motherfucking car payments and mortgages shit i can't even move i guess i'm a slave i don't know hope this wasn't too long a rant you guys uh it's just something i've been thinking about and i would really love to know if anybody has any information on the uh military doing product placement not just in the walking dead but in any shows and if you could find some good examples for me i'd love to talk about it more on the podcast but this is a great podcast today uh and speaking of spraying corporate

seeds into your brain i'm gonna do my own form of satanic seeding but the difference is i'm not i don't weave it into my i don't it's not like i you don't know i'm i'm trying to sell you something that's the difference i get it friends people gotta make money i'm not i'm not saying like we shouldn't have businesses we shouldn't have corporations i'm just saying that if you're fucking subliminally tricking people into thinking that they should join an organization where there's a chance that they might get their fucking face blown off in a goddamn cave then that's weird dunker trestle family our podcast is brought to you by amazon.com is this bad am i a hypocrite should i not do advertisements i don't know i don't if i do an advertisement for something i

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and have all kinds of wonderful matter sprayed into your house from satan i like matter don't get me wrong guys i like matter and i i buy shit that i see on commercials i've got a fucking suction vacuum i got one of those wet vacuum cleaners from my hardwood floor sitting in my storage room right now i've used it twice i'll probably never use it again totally bought that because i got tricked by commercials amazon.com we have a portal if you go to dunkintrustle.com and go through the amazon portal they will give us a percentage of whatever you buy so it's a way for you to help the podcast out without donating or buying a t-shirt which you could also do and for those of you donated since the last podcast god bless you and thank you uh for those donations a lot of people really

like the last podcast and thank you all for all the sweet words to me and my friend dustin he uh he's a really cool guy and was uh you guys have really uh made him supremely happy because i think he'd allowed himself to maybe fall under the into the delusion that uh he he isn't a really cool motherfucker so thank you all for sending him so many sweet sweet words because he is an awesome person um so yeah amazon we're also brought to you by um audible audible supplies some amazing audiobooks and if you go to audible.com audible trial.com audible trial.com forward slash family hour you will get a free audiobook see now i feel guilty about doing any commercials after just ramble i'm not against matter people all of you right now are shaking your internet fingers at me

because i dared you an advertisement after talking about how tv hypnotizes you and then tries to sell shit to you listen tv won't doesn't talk like i talk that's why tv's not like this this is different than i hope you recognize that tv isn't like this i'm not trying to trick you i'm not talking about how if you go to amazon.com you're suddenly gonna have a great family or your wife's gonna start having sex with you again just saying if you want to order some lubricant it's a great way to do it without having to go to a fucking ride aid and feel like a goddamn perv not that you should i don't mean to seem sex negative but it's kind of awkward anytime you're buying it just feels weird to buy lubricant you don't have to you don't have to do

that you don't have to go through that you go to amazon.com get it to your you could have lube there the next day see you won't hear that on tv i don't know guys maybe we should all just go live somewhere else somewhere else we're gonna live we're here i like this country i'm not saying this is a bad country i'm not even saying that we don't need a military i think we do we do you do need defense i don't i'm not pretending that the world isn't filled with dangerous factions of brainwashed religious fanatics i'm sure it's out there but it's also here too i mean there's a lot of brainwashed religious fanatics here too and i'm always gonna be on the side of not blowing people up if possible so i'm not against the military and i know a big part of the conditioning

is that one of the great crimes is to like talk shit about the fucking military bill hicks had one of the greatest jokes ever which is uh i support the war i'm against i'm against the troops but i support the war very funny but yeah if you're on stage and even say the slightest thing that even seems remotely against the fucking military everyone just explodes in rage it's really weird that's part of the conditioning you know we're not supposed to point out the fact that a lot of the wars that are going on right now are wars that nobody would really vote for and in fact no one even fucking understands or cares about we're not supposed to say that it's weird not really weird it actually seems exactly what the government would want us to be doing coincidentally

i would i would much rather have uh soldiers uh uh here back in the united states doing great works here and risking their lives out in some dirty dusty weird desert filled with freak cultists who only want to be left alone basically and are just pissed now because we've been blowing them up for so long so don't confuse me i don't want to get a lot of shitty fucking tweets from people somehow saying that i'm like i don't know anti america or something i'm not and and and being against fucking stupid wars makes you more of an american because you want the country to be better god damn i'd much rather the money being used to pay for all these ridiculous stupid wars to get plugged into people so we can go to

college and and and get educated fuck it plug it into like making better goddamn raves happen i don't know manufacture some fin even better psychedelics that's what i'd rather have this military industrial complex money being used to pay for a new form of nasa that explores psychedelics how about that how about instead of a goddamn nasa we use the money from the military industrial complex to fund some kind of organization that explores different psychedelic mind states specifically the weird dimension you go into when you smoke dmt all right jump the shark just now i get it today's podcast oh i forgot it's also brought to you by short design t-shirts the favorite shirt of the

military industrial complex they love nothing more than putting a short design t-shirt on a freshly exploded afghani child corpse because if nothing else it brightens the mood just a little bit i just watched dirty wars i'm sorry guys you got to watch dirty wars it's on netflix watch before you get up and i don't think any of the people who listen to this are going to be surprised by any of the things i'm saying before you get up in arms over this go and watch dirty wars on netflix just watch that watch that just to recognize what the rampaging giant that you are a part of called the united states of america is doing in other parts of the world shouldn't be doing it

god damn it that's it i'm moving into a bunker i love you guys today's guest is um i'm sorry that was a bad shirt design t-shirt commercial you can go to shirt design t-shirts dot com you'll get 10 percent off these amazing shirts all right i love you guys i don't know if i'm going to upload this long rant but now i feel committed to it this is this is the longest rant i've ever done so i'm sorry about that because this podcast is amazing and today's guest is erin megathy and she has uh her own beautiful podcast called this feels terrible it's a it's part of the feral audio podcast collective um and uh she's a a wonderful person who has a really deep understanding of relationships and if you ever have relationship problems or if you're ever having like weird

girl or guy problems this is exactly the person you want to talk to because every time i've talked to her about this kind of stuff she's always been 100 right or like 93 right which is very high percentage of rightness so everyone please welcome to the dougie trestle family art podcast my friend erin megathy it's the dougie trestle family erin megathy hosted this feels terrible welcome to the dougie trestle family our podcast thank you for having me thank you for being here yeah you came over and start we're just gonna start off on we're the right foot sure i want to hear about your bad mushroom trip in

ashville north carolina all right uh well about a month ago uh i went with my friend kimber to ashville to see neutral mall hotel oh wow cool and uh and to visit with my little brother we're there for a week and i i haven't i've only done mushrooms a handful of times and when i say handful like a very small handful like four times right and i've always had a great time and uh and i've always been really careful i um i bought enough for me and my friend and was given like really explicit instructions on how to take them and how much to take and the day that we took them we we asked i don't know 10 15 different locals like where the best place to take them would be we wanted to go into nature and have a have a good time so we found this trail on uh on

the Biltmore estate which is like that big Vanderbilt house and we we decided to take them there because it was like fenced in and safe and we could yes so we took very little we took like i don't know an eighth of what we have and just had a nice hike and everything was pretty and the colors were great yes um and we went back we had dinner and dinner was great we went back to our hotel and we had the rest of the mushrooms and uh the the neutral milk hotel show was part of this thing called the mountain oasis music festival which is a big electronic music music festival which is weird it's not neutral milk hotels in no way electronic music and neither of us really like electronic music like this is the last day that we were there and we had all of these mushrooms

left over and i was like you know what let's just let's take them and go to the and go to the show yes you know this is i mean the lights that'll be great sure yeah not thinking where was the show it was in ashville at the uh cellular cellular center so you went to uh rave it basically yeah right before halloween okay the day before halloween so everyone's wearing costumes yes didn't think about that before we went so i my friend has done mushrooms more than i have and we kind of like we have like a like oh yeah we'll take them yeah that's a good idea and then i i took all of my half and she was like wait did you take did you take all of those i was like yeah well we fine so she did it too and so we walked we walked over to the festival and uh we were going

to see a band cut copy which we both thought was a different band than what it ended up being which was this australian electronic music thing where where this guy is dressed in all white and i mean it's i i know i will be able to describe it accurately because it's it's through the i saw it through the through the eyes of of tripping but um when we got there i started to feel this really intense body high and somehow i like i thought that if you had if you drank orange juice that it would help you be less high yeah this is a classic mistake weirdly like it seems to be kind of up in the air about what what the effect orange juice has on tripping right so i so so kimber kimber grabbed her seat and then i started feeling i was five minutes ahead of her and just started

feeling this really intense body high and the guys behind us were talking about bad trips so i was like oh i gotta i gotta get some some orange juice so i went out into the lobby and immediately like was having a hard time coping but was just telling myself like hey and it's the drugs yeah it's fine like you're not gonna be one of these people that freaks out just just know that this is the drugs sure and so i there they're all these different lines in the lobby for for refreshments and i i'm trying to find a line and the first line that i that i stand in all the people are talking i have a sensation that they couldn't see me like literally i was invisible so i was like oh i'll get in a different line and they were being really loud like people i think what

was happening was people were standing in line and their friends were joining them but i was just like oh okay go to go to a different place but i was still it was still okay yeah i was like i just need to get some orange juice and then i went to this this line on the other side of the lobby craving for orange juice curious craving anytime generally but why orange oh well i thought i thought it was gonna make me less high oh okay it wasn't just like you were like oh i i'm sorry i oh no no it wasn't like oh i need some more no i like i gotta calm down i'm gonna drink some oj yeah yeah yeah which i really thought was just like a cure all yes yeah i think people get i think actually the there's so many various cures that i wonder which is a placebo and which is real going

in either direction more high or less high like yeah orange is really amplify high does milk really soothe the high i mean i've had people tell me like at poison control centers when people come in having bad trips on weed i can't remember what it is they give people but i think it's like i can't remember it's like milk maybe i don't know it's something like some yeah yeah but anyway go ahead so so so oj i'm trying to find oj and i was i was fine i was fine i was fine and then there's there's one visual that like sent me over the edge standing in line and it's a day before halloween so people are wearing costumes but i started i started feeling i started like losing sight of the costumes like every you know the costumes every everyone looks like they're wearing

a costume yes you know so it just anyway i'm standing there there's this guy who's um tall tall heavy set guy who's wearing i think he was dressed like a shower he had these he had these hoops around him and he was basically wearing what looked like a dress but it but it was like a shower yeah and he had these weird tattoos on his back and i looked at him and was really disgusted more than i would be nor like i don't usually look at people and feel disgust but i looked at him i was like oh i just don't don't look at that and then this woman came up to him who was also wearing a costume and they started making out in front of me and i just ran i like that moment nightmare moment yeah i i mean they just they looked like demons that were that were mating and i just was so

grossed out reproducing demons this is this is jacob's ladder strobe light tail suddenly you look down and there's a tail rattling across the floor right yes okay so then you think they're demons i think they're demons i still need orange juice uh meanwhile kimber is texting me hey uh show's about to start you better get back in here or she or what she was saying to me was that she wanted me to come back in there because she was also having a bad trip but i thought that she was having a great time and that's why she wanted me to get back in there right and she and i was like i'm cool i'm just getting some orange juice and she thought that i was just getting the orange juice because i was having a great time so it was like the trip of the magi we're both having

a terrible time but we're staying because we uh because we thought the other person wanted to so i i go downstairs to this to this lounge and i'm standing in line waiting for orange juice or i think i'm standing in line this woman comes up behind me and she's like hey like what are you doing what are you like i am i'm i don't know i don't know i don't know what i'm doing and she said i think she could tell that i was on something and like helped me out by saying okay like here's the line this is the line for this and i was like okay okay thank you and i've never uh standing in the line so terrified it it became my turn and i i couldn't talk and then eventually i was like orange juice orange juice orange juice and the one was like okay i just gave it to me and didn't

charge me for it oh no so i take at this electronic music festival they set up all these different i don't know like in this lounge there's this giant twister board and their black lights and all these different lights because people are just gonna freak out yeah yeah so i i it was really hard to find i just needed to find like darkness and i found this this doorway where i just sat in this doorway drank this orange juice and then was having a hard time texting kimber and and tried to calm down and i had to i had a long way to go to get back up to her and i i in order to cope to get through this crowd i kept on repeating to myself you you're an island of good you're good you're it's it's just stay stay to your own island all the other islands they're not trying to hurt

you you're you know that you're in trouble if you're tripping and you find yourself muttering any kind of prayer you're okay forget it oh i'm holding myself hugging myself mushrooms will nothing will induce prayer more than a bad mushroom trip that will get you praying so fast yeah for for safety and for guidance uh so so i do that i i get back to our seat the moment that i walk into this big space it's terrifying they handed out these uh devil horns to everyone because it was right before halloween and um i mean which wasn't the scariest thing the scariest thing was just everyone's everyone's face was terrifying and there was this man that was standing next to kimber like i was standing my seat was in between kimber and this

and this man who my memory of his face was that it was this this melted devil face that his face was was literally melted together and i think he just probably was was just not a good-looking man but he had long black hair and this melted face and these devil horns and i was sure that he was the devil that was there to to watch me yeah so i'm standing next to kimber she's freaking out there are these two guys in front of us uh who are wearing all white and i said to kimber like they're there are protectors like it's fine we can get through this like they're there are they're they're protecting us from all this stuff that's around us um but then they left like the first one left and and we were both kind of freaking out uh except both of us didn't know that the other

person was also freaking out we were both pretending that we weren't then we eventually i i realized like oh if if we're here when the concert's over we'll die because you know the not being able to cope with all those people and then just the chaos of everyone leaving like i really thought that we would we would die if we didn't get out of there so we left um and in order to leave like i was trying to help her out i was like okay we're we're bullets of goodness we're just going to bullet through don't look at anyone don't talk to anybody and uh we we got out we we got out of the concert and we're like okay great and i remember just thinking like hi i gotta look at something pretty i need to look at a painting i need to look at anything but it was dark and

there was nothing around and people are leaving this electronic music festival and we're we're walking and this guy came up to us and he he just grabbed my arm not not like aggressively but just to get my attention he was like hey are you done and kimber and i stared at him like uh both like what and both is a what do you what do you mean what do you mean are we done i wish with like our lives like yeah and he just wanted our bracelets for the for the concert and he was just asking are you done with a concert right which still like even not being high is a weird way to ask for your bracelet well sure i mean because when you're on mushrooms i mean there's a lot of different ways to look at coincidence man but you could kind of look at it like mushrooms i guess the

little less fufu way to say it is mushrooms bring you into the realm of the symbolic in a much more intense way uh than than you generally experience so you in the realm of the symbolic uh which is around us at all times things do mean much more than what they are on the surface are you done does mean much more you're seeing the it's almost as though like the deeper part of your mind which is just a web of symbols that makes up your subjective universe has emerged out of you and is floating in front of you in the form and projecting itself on the screen of occurrence so yeah it did mean more than are you done oh so we were taking these bracelets off and uh his girlfriend was there too and and his girlfriend to kimber said hey i'm like i'm like you because she thought that kimber

had a shaved scalp and a long hair but she didn't her hair was just like pressed against her against her head but this woman like picked up her hair and showed that her scalp was shaved but we both were sure that she was about to like take off her face she was a demon yeah so it's like a demon and the demons lover coming to you and demons lover says the first the worst thing you could say to someone is are you done is it over are you done you know like you i'm like you this is like the same kind of conversations they have in that weird room in twin peaks the black lodge it's like shit that little backwards talking bastard says oh the next time you see me i won't be myself it's terrifying it's scary just looking at you saying demon speak elf speak you know demon

speak or or angels speak because you can't forget the demons are a form of angel it's just a form of angel that has a little more uh autonomy than the other like singing or whatever the pig angels that only worship shit um so we so we got we got past that we had we had a little time where we were in this part of downtown ashville where we couldn't cross the street or go in any direction because every direction seemed scary and then we just we couldn't go back to our hotel because our hotel was this old department store and we were staying on the children's floor and it was already scary when we were sober so right we didn't go there but i i said let's go back to there's this little street in downtown ashville that's this really cute cobblestone yeah adorable street yeah yeah and

wall street yes yeah yeah exactly so uh i was like well let's go let's go to wall street we held hands and just like kept on kept on going didn't want to look at anything everything everything was really scary and we get to wall street and this is when uh kimber and i started really like break down she she was pointing at like we we both i went we were we were tripping similarly but obviously because we're different people there are different things going on and we're passing by these windows and and she's we we passed by like a number 12 and she's like see look look the number 12 everything's gonna be okay and then i thought oh and then she was talking about like i don't know like big business and and you know and i my impression of that at the time was

oh this is what somebody would say if they were pretending to be kimber like this is just like dumb like trip talk and i was and when she said when she said uh this the number 12 everything's gonna be okay i freaked out and i was like what what does that mean to you really the number 12 like does that mean anything to you and then i thought that like she was possessed by something yes and i started screaming at her to stop being so manic and and she's like well maybe you're just maybe you're just not as as high as i am and i was like i i i don't know but i'm freaking out and you need to calm down like your energy is so crazy and so we we calm down but we go down the street and suddenly everything's ugly it's not like it was when we first got there like we were noticing

all these dead plants we sit on this bench and unfortunately a man with schizophrenia starts walking towards us yeah they it's almost like people with schizophrenia and sometimes people with really severe mental handicaps seem to be drawn to bad trips like moths to candles it's a very odd thing but they will get drawn into your orbit it's like they can sense it or something that somebody's kind of like not uh plugged into the um normal reality and they want to be around you for a little bit of comfort or something that's interesting well we ran from him and crossed the street and ran into this bar and when we when we went inside the bar my looking around the bar everyone looked like they were a family that was having like a private discussion which

they weren't it was just a bunch of people sitting in a bar yeah and i said oh no i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'll leave you guys alone to the bar like got the attention of the bar and said i'm so sorry and then um ran out and uh i screamed to kimber like the bars closed because i thought it was after two meanwhile it was like nine o'clock so i know i feel like i feel like my my story my story is boring but no it isn't i'm sorry you saw me look at there i was just looking to make sure it was still recording because your story is so interesting swear to god but isn't it sorry about that is it obnoxious to talk about uh like what happened when you were high no because i'm gonna fucking like wait till i wait till i tell you a little bit about ashville and wait till i tell

you about the time i got possessed by demons in ashville great okay so we run into this bar we run out we we find this like this this little um window display that has some flowers and we call the one person that we know in ashville which is this bartender we met the first night and said we're so sorry but we need help please come help us wow and so he came and uh and and joined us and took us to like a quieter bar and we started to come down and feel better and uh and then but then this girl that he used to date ran into him and she she joined us and kimber and i were both like oh we can't we can't deal with it we can't deal with this woman because i said to her because she was just like really excited and i think she was on ecstasy or something like she

was she was on her own journey and i said hey i'm sorry we're we're tripping and she was like oh my god and what what are you tripping on do you have it and i was like oh i can't i can't deal yeah yeah so that's that's it i feel like i'm gonna throw up really you need to go throw up yeah maybe what happened i don't know all right all right oh i took a bunch of green tea supplements okay go vomit and then we'll continue the podcast okay i'm sorry we're back you just that is a first the dry heaving in the middle of the you know eating supplements with an empty stomach is a recipe for puke definitely you get the you get that vitamin swoon and that weird feeling um you know what here okay let me tell you a little bit about

ashville and because i grew up in i went to college at warren wilson right outside of ashville grew up in hinderssonville spent massive amounts of time in ashville took so much acid in ashville uh and and have had a demon mushroom trip in ashville um so uh i uh know a lot about the the occult side of ashville and if you google search the occult in ashville you'll get all kinds of crazy conspiracy theories because it's a very it's a strange little town and it's got its own vibe and its own power and right the the the the weirdos would always this is back in when i was there everybody was into psychic tv and everybody was into the kind of the occult that was being dispensed the occult information being dispensed from them and um people were really into uh

people were there were really into practicing mat different forms of magic and different and there were you know into it they they were more committed to it than just your average person who buys a book at a bookstore or something like people are doing some really weird fucking shit out there and every what do you think that is it is it about that area that's you know i when i say weird shit i mean like you'd hear stories about these groups of people like there there was like a you know there were there were people there who had like code names where many of them like a lot of them were named like john and you there was a weird story once about one of them betraying the group and then the story of how they had duct taped into a chair and some house and like they

did something fucked up to him like really like deep creep stuff out there up in the mountains up in the mountains because up in the mountains you're dealing with a lot of like um just a lot of weird energy and also the fact that the place was uh basically owned by uh the the Vanderbilt who started the Biltmore house and there's this like really weird old money that had popped up there because the Biltmore house is one of the i think it may be the biggest mansion or one of the biggest mansions on the east private private house in the country in the country so it's this giant sprawling house whenever you have like these fucking you know coral reefs that have been constructed by the reptilians there's always strange energy that floats around these reefs you

know in the same way fish swim around reefs there's always weird energy and so the focal point if you're a freak in ashville drum circle hippy acid guzzling freak then you know that the focal point of all the weird psychic energy in ashville is that obelisk in the middle of town you saw it of course right looks just like this see behind me i have this poster i have an acrolean poster of baphomet and and right right here you see this obelisk right next to uh the this symbol and so and there's that obelisk right right there right now here's what's really fascinating right next to that obelisk is this uh did you see the angel statue uh i don't i must have i don't remember okay so let me show you something really cool this will freak you out uh look homeward angel

i'm google searching because i can't remember the name of the angel look it's i think it's called the vance my more look homeward angel ashville statue hold on let me find this sorry you guys this is very interesting here's the one see dan and i went on a ghost hunting tour when we were there a few years ago and that was like the big the big thing okay so this is a statue right next to this obelisk right uh which is supposed to be dedicated to um uh what's his name the guy wrote look home word angel sorry guys i'm an idiot uh now here's what's really awesome if you guys i'll put a i'll put all the links to this on the website but take a look at this angel and then take a look at my sweet little demon friend behind me and notice the way that they're standing oh pretty interesting

all the way down to the star on his head pointing up pointing down right next to the exact same obelisk what a strange weird coincidence isn't it they've constructed the identical occult representation behind me in the middle of their town or why why is that there if you know anything about the occult you know that what the occult means is hidden but it also means hidden in plain sight because what people like to do is throw the symbols out right in front of everybody so that the people who are in the know can see them and take some comfort in that and the people who aren't in the know just get to walk around like little hypnotized robots completely unaware of the fact that they're an amaze constructed by uh people using information that existed prior to

the biblical flood if you buy into all this nonsense but and it is nonsense on one level on one level it's absolute complete bullshit but on another level it's as real as mountains or trees or gravity because symbols are such an important aspect of human society that they literally are the fuel which runs all of society and so he who controls the symbols essentially controls society and that's the whole idea anyway long and short of it is i was on mushrooms in ashville north carolina and i got fucking possessed by some kind of malevolent force and never has happened that happened to me before i would never want it to happen again right i was on mushrooms have been attacked i've been attacked by elves on mushrooms that i've never really had one

like go and i've never had anything this fucking weird happened to me ever which was that i was at a goddamn low level mountain rave on mushrooms and this suddenly there was this like voice in my head that was like clear as a bell and and it was not my voice and it was saying to me go sit go sit down i sat down and it was like it was it was saying i want to show you this and then like i'm looking at my arms and all over my arms are these weird like runes or symbols or patterns or these strange fucking as though someone had just like some weirdo had tattooed all these things up and down my arm that i couldn't understand what it said and then this voice said to me and it was speaking to me not like Duncan but as a human it was saying and the voice was so droney and weird

and exactly like sure this got plugged into my head by watching the last temptation of christ too many times or whatever i mean you have to understand i do not i believe in this stuff in the sense that i know that it i know it exists like i know it's real in the sense that people experience it do i believe it's something that lives outside of the ecosystem of the human mind i have no fucking idea but it's definitely a fish that swims around our brain caves it definitely lives inside us so the thing said to me uh you are glorious and sanctified it was talking about humans humans and then it was saying um uh then it was like go home and purify the palms of your hands and the soles of your feet like it wanted me to go and like open myself up more to it to

understand it more i was freaking the fuck out i saw pentagrams everywhere everywhere i look just like just like an entire web of like not pentagrams like the drawings of pentagrams but this looked like the archetypical thing that people saw in their minds and then drew a pentagram you know what i mean like it's a thing that gave birth to pentagram were you by yourself i was with like pseudo friends you know i don't know i was with some group of like you know mountain druggies uh mountain friends and they're all freaking out mountain friends i was with my weird mountain friends and they're like and something was going on that night because people were crying they were like sitting there weeping and like holding each other i swear

to god it was the weirdest weirdest night and so the long and short of is i've thought about that trip ever since then and uh i guess we have something in common and that we've both encountered demons in uh in ashville which many many people have many many people have come in contact with the energy that sort of floats and around that place and permeates that place kimber and i both have the same sensation we talked about it while it was happening where we were we both felt like the city of ashville found out that like wanted to destroy our goodness like that demons were out to find us like they found out that we were there like at one point after that are you done we were standing in this this small area and it their weird motorcyclists and all these

different things that just it felt like like demons like oh we have we have uh i have to eat another cracker i'm so sorry what's the worst eat the cracker and i'm gonna go get this book because i want to read this little passage to you from this awesome book which is uh and also i want to calm my annoying dog down but i want to read this book which is a um i'll just go grab it while you eat crackers hold on okay so here this is a book that i really like called the uh psychedelic experience and this is a manual based on the debatin book of the dead written by timothy leary ralph metzner and richard albert now that's rom das before he became rom das this is when they were all tripping out on acid and they recognized that the there was an exact correlation

between the experience of tripping on psychedelics and the different stages of death written about in the debatin book of the dead known as the bardos and so this book takes the debatin book of the dead and trans translates it into something that you can use when you're having when you're tripping because the idea is when you're using a psychedelic or they thought the idea was or one goal the thing is to merge in a unit of consciousness and completely drop the ego and become part of that great transcendental ohm that is timeless and which we're all ultimately apart go back to the godhead but in the process of getting to that place the mind sort of you know throws out all these like tricks and maneuvers and to try to like keep us distracted because their ego for whatever

reason seems to not want to uh or seems antithetical somehow to that state initially so this is like different like passages that you you read while you're tripping and i will read this one friends out there um uh you have to be careful with psychedelics it's it's a these are you know it's a serious thing and if you do the thing that we all do i'm such a hypocrite because i'm from the first many years of my life i was the opposite i would i would i would take acid and sit in a shopping mall just to marvel at people shopping because it seems so weird and polluted but ultimately if you really want to use the tool that you can go really deep if if you use them in the right way but we all make the mistake of going to concerts on mushrooms the worst worst mistake

worst it's like going and swimming in a sewer or something it's like skinny dipping in a fucking toilet that's what going to a concert on mushrooms is like you've dilated your third eye you've opened yourself up completely and you're just getting just you are third eyes getting peed on by the vibes of everyone around you essentially that's what the experience is and it's can be really bad if you cross paths with the wrong fucking shower curtain man all right here is here is um this is called vision seven the magic theater and and this is something that you can you can listen to if you start tripping out and seeing the demons or the elves if the voyager was unable to maintain the passive serenity necessary for the contemplation of the previous visions the peaceful deities

he moves now into more dramatic that was your walk that was your walk in tranquility he moves now into a more dramatic and active phase the play of forms and things becomes the play of heroic figures superhuman human spirits and demigods you may see radiating figures in human forms the lotus lord of all dance the supreme image of a demigod who perceives the effects of all actions the prince of movement dancing in an ecstatic embrace with his female counterpart heroes heroine celestial warriors male and female demigods angels fairies the exact form of these figures will depend on the person's background and tradition archetypal archetypal figures in the forms of characters from greek egyptian nordic caltech aztec persian indian chinese mythology

the shapes differ the sources the same they are the concrete embodiment of aspects of the person's own psyche archetypal form forces below verbal awareness and expressible only in symbolic form the figures are often extremely colorful and accompanied by a variety of awe-inspiring sounds if the voyager is prepared in a relaxed detached frame of mind he is exposed to a fascinating and dazzling display of dramatic creativity the cosmic theater the divine comedy if his eyes are open he may visualize the other voyagers as representing these figures the face of a friend may turn into that of a young boy a baby the child god into a heroic statue a wise old man a woman animal goddess sea mother young girl nymph elf goblin leprechaun images of the great painters

arise as the familiar representation of these spirits the images are inexhaustible and many many fold an illuminating voyage into the areas where the personal consciousness merges with the supra individual the danger is that the voyager becomes frightened by or an unduly attracted to these powerful figures the forces represented by them may be more intense than he was prepared for inability or unwillingness to recognize them as products of one own's mind leads to escape into animalistic pursuits we gotta go to a bar the person may become involved in the pursuit of power lust wealth and descend into the third bardo rebirth struggles if the guide senses that the voyager is caught in this trap the appropriate instructions may be used that's on page 137

what the fuck is that i don't realize the instructions oh it's a you know this is the hippie shit this is where you get into like a poem you're supposed to read but name your trip with your friends you're never gonna you want to hear the poem you're supposed to yeah there's no one's gonna do this i mean this is like people were much more open minded back then but when you're tripping with your friends try to be like hey i'm gonna like do you mind if i read a poem do you actually yeah okay guys if you're seeing demons here's what you listen to okay all those having bad trips right now you're being attacked by demons is for you don't drink orange juice and relax oh no bleed now remember this is all from the Tibetan Book of the Dead

this is meant to be read to dying people originally this this thing that they're saying here when you're dying you experience the very same thing where you are suddenly in the presence of spirits or demons or angels and you know the idea of the Tibetan Book of the Dead the idea is like don't get distracted you don't have to be reborn as a human again you can transcend and experience peace for infinity if only you don't keep falling for the fear bait that drives you back down into the human body for so after count for countless incarnations so here it is if you're tripping out of them all this is for you oh nobly born listen well you are now in the magic theater of heroes and demons mythical superhuman figures demons goddesses celestial warriors giants angels bodhisattvas

dwarves crusaders elves devils saints shower curtain men making out with their pig girlfriends and sorcerers infernal spirits goblins knights and emperors the lotus lord of dance the wise old man the divine child the trickster the shapeshifter the tamer of monsters the mother of god by now i'm just freaking out because they're telling me all these different names that i hadn't thought of the moon king the wanderer shut up man trying to watch the wall bro the whole divine theater of figures representing the highest reaches of human knowledge do not be afraid of them they're within you your own creative intellect is the master magician of them all recognize the figures as aspects of yourself the whole fantastic comedy takes place within you do not become attached to

the figures remember the teachings you may still attain liberation well i don't know if that's gonna work i mean i wish i would have i wish i would have had that when i was tripping though i think like i definitely like came out on the other side the that's funny like all the as you're reading all those different people i'm thinking like oh that was that bartender and that was that guy that was covering himself in glitter yeah and isn't it cool because it's cool because what you're seeing is it's like you're when you're tripping it's like you kind of like your brain is vomiting out symbols and you and and if you recognize that it's just a product of your brain uh or your of your of your deeper self then it becomes much less frightening than when you start thinking like oh my

god all my friends are demons because that's a very common experience because what really what you're seeing is you're seeing the demons that live inside of you being projected on the screen that is your friends right and then you start recognizing like oh my god i'm the light shining from the lighthouse of my being is like tinted with darkness or weird colors and that's why the world can sometimes seem so sinister to me and that's you know that's the idea is liberation is realizing like oh i can just remove the film from the lighthouse and then the colors that come out won't look like they're in a horror house on halloween let's eat some mushrooms no i want to try it i've done my trip mushroom trips man i am how do mushrooms mix with uh supplements

mushrooms man they are rough mushrooms are rough man you know give me some good old-fashioned lsd like why do i have to eat that's less rough than my for me it is it's more manageable mushrooms are like mushrooms connect to you with it's are more likely to connect to you with this living teaching spirit that wants that wants to give you you know like tarence mckinnis said uh so i'm going to misquote it a little bit but he said something along the lines of there's no bad trips there's just the feeling of learning too fast you know where you're get you're getting too much information fed into you it's such a massive accelerated rate you're growing too fast because you're not scary because what you think you are generally is not what you are at all and suddenly

to wake up to to what you really are is a form of death and nobody wants to experience that right it's much more fun to be like you know to to live on a certain level of reality that you're prepared the year that you've it's it's you know it's it's like the story of like how you cook a some evil story about how you cook a frog you know the story of how you cook a frog it's like you like to cook a frog this is an e whoever came up with this stupid fucking saying should be arrested but if you want to boil a frog slowly turn up the heat and the frog won't jump out of the pot it'll stay in the pot until finally it's too hot for it to get out and then it'll dissolve and that represents yoga that represents all the all the forms of learning that involve a slow progression into

the dissolution of the south whereas psychedelics are like just fucking throwing the thing in a pot of boiling water and yeah and and melting it right away that's the experience of the bad trip is the pain of the dissolution of your ego no thanks i'm happy with where my ego is at i do it's it's funny like i i mean i i i know i know basically nothing about um about the psychedelic experience i say as i'm looking at your your book um but i do feel i do feel different in a in a good way since that happened like that the whole like island thing and like as i was coming down thinking about because because of like all of my projections and like all of my anger and the and and being so angry at kimber at one point even like she really wasn't doing

anything like i but i was i was so so angry for what was probably three minutes but i just realizing that everyone needs to take care of their own island like myself as an island looking at myself in the mirror which is a terrible idea on mushrooms but doing that and and thinking like oh like i feel like i've been really overly concerned with everyone else's islands and how they're taking care of their own stuff and what about mine like mine's like falling apart i need to exercise more you think take supplements well so that's why you're taking supplements yeah yeah that's part of it well see this is why this is why when you you will hear people refer to psychedelics as medicine and the reason they call it medicine is because

because it will the end result if you like if you make reentry in the right way which sounds like you did is that you feel compelled to live a better life you want to you know it's all generally it's always some version of like i'm gonna start exercising or maybe you know i'm gonna be more clean i'm gonna be more organized i'm gonna take more care of my body that's the end result and in this like when you how do you know that you're taking real medicine it fucking tastes like shit like when you're tasting real medicine you're always like you have this wincing like echinacea have you ever put echinacea in your mouth it's like no well that's like that's so when people hear that psychedelics are medicine they think oh i'm

gonna take it'll be like climbing into a hot tub it's like no it's medicine it's going to hurt especially if you're a little out of balance which we all are the more out of balance you are the process of getting back into balance is it can be a little disconcerting if you begin to think that the state of vertigo is a state of balance when all of a sudden then a real balance is going for a little while to feel like vertigo yeah it's a really curious situation to get into but you know looking in the mirror is a bad idea people say that right yeah but it looking in the mirror is a bad idea if you don't want to learn what you really are right looking in the mirror is on psychedelics is a great idea if you want to see how your projection mechanisms are shaping your sense of

self yeah which is why i did it like in the end it's like yeah i threw that out there like bad idea no you are wanting to learn yeah yeah and that was that was the moment when i like really i don't know felt i felt like i was time traveling but tell me what you saw well i what i said i was i was staring at myself in a in a mirror and obviously but i was we were in a not a not a bar but some kind of like i want to say speak easy but it was probably just a bar but it felt like this whole time you speak easy and i felt like you know that renoir painting uh where there's the female bartender and she's standing and there's a mirror behind her and well there's this there's this very like this is very sad painting by renoir um or sad depending on how you look at it and

there's this uh this this it's forget what it's called it's very it's one of his most famous paintings and there's a woman that's that's standing there and you see her patrons behind her and you it's famous because you get the feeling of like all the i don't know it should be called like the male gaze this this painting and it's one of my favorite paintings but i i felt like staring at myself i went into the i went into the bathroom saw myself in the mirror and i i was i was really scared of what i saw and then kind of like i was like you know what let's pull it together and then looked at myself in a different mirror staring in this mirror i felt i was thinking about that woman and then i was thinking about i don't know i don't know how to

articulate it that's not really like the most profound thing that moment but what was more profound is what i'm talking about like feeling just being really excited by the idea that i get to i do have someone who i get to totally take care of and i get to decide what she does and what her life is like and that person's me and not and not my you know not my boyfriend and not kimber and not like i i can be really sometimes i a lot of the time i treat kimber like she's she's my little sister right and it's not fair she doesn't do that to me at all and she's she's got her shit together she doesn't need anyone to like boss around but i find myself like i i sometimes i feel like we're similar and so things that she does that things that

that really irritate me about myself or irritated me about myself like years ago i'm i get really angry if i like see that or anyway but that was like it was a really important thing yeah just like laying off that's a great thing to learn it which is that the idea that you that you know you're going to make things better by changing the people around you right is generally wrong not all the time though like sometimes people around you need as they say in the shining correction they need correction but sometimes that's rare but it is true sometimes but but generally it's more like if you can like adjust the part of yourself that is is needing things to be different than the way they actually are then suddenly the things around you that we're

bothering you don't bother you at all because you don't even see them in the same way like when you have a cold when you don't have a cold you don't think about the cold it's gone because you're balanced so yeah that's you're right and that's and that's i think that's one of the great gifts that psychedelics will give you is they tell you stop stop trying to rearrange all these fucking puzzle pieces swirling around you because this puzzle that you can't solve it it's yeah and besides it's like the thing you're really trying to arrange is coming from a projector that's inside your heart anyway and once you fix that get the dust off the projector in your heart and you won't see it on the screen of your friends you know yeah oh and dealing with random hate that

was another hate thing anger yeah well just um not not from me not my random hate but just dealing with trying to understand why someone would well i'm thinking about this because this happened this morning like i have an alert on my phone whenever someone it's like half the time that someone tweets at me i get it on my phone the other half i don't but at 4 a.m i had left my sound on and i woke up to a tweet that said uh hey um erin megatha you make you make a harm in town really hard to listen to uh please stop and stop more often oh something like that and i was just like uh and for a very long time just like lied in bed and i was like what is this the fun person yeah what a fun what a fun person and then you know i i don't know if you do this but like when that happens

like i find myself going through their pictures i mean like who is this person and like why would they do this i'm like but but thinking back to i thought back to my to my trip and to my to my thing and like even if i don't know like even if even if she's right even if like i i'm i'm the most annoying person in the world or i ruin people's lives or whatever which i don't think is true i it doesn't matter so much or i don't know i mean that's that's stupid because obviously the reason that we do shows for audiences is because we went to give something to somebody or yeah no no no no i know i'm firing the idea here's the idea the idea or not enough to the idea something that whenever anything so you some you know some absolute boring human on the internet

randomly shoots an arrow into the ocean which and the arrow is this stupid series of words that lands in your brain now the idea is uh instead of like thinking about the person who shot the arrow whether or not they're right or wrong and instead of even thinking about the arrow itself what it's composed of i'm taking all this from this like buddhist story about a king getting shot and uh have you ever heard this story no king's walking in the woods and he gets shot by an arrow and uh and falls to the ground and his servants come to him and say we have to take this arrow out of you and he's like no no no make sure that there's who find out who shot it what if there's other people in the woods waiting and they're they're going to shoot us again and so his servants

run out and they find a hunter who accidentally shot the arrow thinking he was a deer and this were completely safe it's this hunter who made a mistake and and they're like we got to take this out he's like no wait find out what the arrow is made of what are the feathers made of because of what if it's poisoned what if he'd poison anyway the whole point of the thing is the tendency uh to to sort of try to identify the thing that created the reaction the thing that created the reaction in us right right so that so we push away these questions who is this guy let me go through his instagram well let me see who he knows do i know him is there a way i could try track him down i'd like to i'd like to kill him instead you peel all that away and then you

just look at the feeling that it created inside of you yeah and you sit with that feeling and you watch that feeling you watch the anger you watch the sense of uh uh insecure whatever the various form is that it causes to emerge inside of you and you'll realize quickly that they didn't cause that feeling that that feeling always exists under the surface of your mind and that the arrows are the thing that draws it to the surface like when you put steak on someone's head he's got a bot fly in his head and the bot fly will poke out the parasite now i'm gonna throw up on your mic yeah you gotta pull you know so the idea is we pull the bot fly out and the arrows won't bother you anymore so when you get so when you really if you the idea is if you can dissolve that structure

that's already inside of you the next time you get the shitty twitter message or whatever it is it won't do anything right there'll be no effect so how do i so so does that involve just coming to terms with why that made me feel bad or what do it's not why it's it's it's it's it's coming to terms with how it made you feel so it's sort of like why it made you feel bad is irrelevant is because the idea is this is where you get into mindfulness where it's like somebody does something shitty to you and it will make you angry or it will make you disappointed or it will make you whatever uh and so what you do is you forget i'm reading i'm listening this awesome pima children lecture um and what she says is so forget the storyline

and anytime you go you go back into like what caused the feeling you're getting back into the storyline and getting back into the storyline is what keeps the feeling happening again and again and again you know like when you're laying in bed ruminating over a fight that you may have gotten in with somebody and you find yourself you know thinking about the fight over and over and you realize that what really what you're doing is a kind of emotional cutting you're like you know what i mean like every time you rethink about what happened you feel that same feeling and then you think about again the feeling comes back and you think about it again the feeling comes back so the idea is forget the storyline okay and just watch the feeling okay so it made

me feel unwanted so i just so now what so now you sit with that feeling it's not a now what now it's just like you the feeling of unwantedness like where is it in your body right oh physically actually like in my in my test in your heart it's and it always is in the heart and then like you realize oh so now you can if you wanted to play around with that you could say oh it's clearly like what i'm experiencing is like my heart chakra it's like the part of my it's making me feel the part of myself that is incapable of loving anyone regardless of the way they're acting like really what you're feeling is this kind of it's reminding you of this numbed out part of yourself that's that's interacting with a part of yourself that isn't numb at all and that's it's like a

cramp in your heart when i like i could think of like uh when i'm really mad it's always right there and if it feels like a muscle cramp it's like you know when you get a foot cramp it feels like that almost where it does feel like cramping down it's and so it's like uh instead of a dilation it's uh what what do they call it when someone's eyes turn into little pinpoints when their pupils turn into little um contraction right it's a contraction so what it's doing is it's causing a contraction of your heart chakra as a form of defense mechanism because when your heart's really open then that's where you can get you feel like you can get hurt the most so it's almost like the same way as when you see a sea creature and you poke it with a stick and the sea creature

like sucks in on itself and closes off to try that's all that's happening you're poor little sea an enemy living inside of your heart is being shut down by the twitter arrow blasted from some asshole hipster and fucking wherever i don't get it i don't i mean i mean i understand what you're saying we're just thinking about firing that off i don't understand it storyline now you're in the storyline i know i just i can't like i can't get over it and then when you think about the storyline it keeps causing that thing to every time it starts opening up again it keeps it makes you keep fucking uh shutting down and it's like the foot thing about the storyline is how most of us spend all of our time driving around contemplating like that fucking bitch i can't believe she didn't

understand how much i really loved her heart shutting down heart shutting down heart shutting down until finally forget about the stupid story yeah this surface level dust on the eternal nature of yourself because that's all it is it's like this eternal being infinite being of love wearing sunglasses and fixating on a tiny little speck of dust on his interdimensional sunglasses or her look at this dust this fucking dust blocking my vision all the time take off your sunglasses or wipe them off right yeah at least um all right so let's draw a tarot card all right i've never i've never done tarot card so try to understand about your bad trip okay and i don't know anything about tarot cards so we're gonna use i know a little bit they're based on the kabbalah okay but um or

these are this is the alistair krully thoth tarot deck and all you have to do is consider your trip ask maybe i don't know i'm shaping what you can just draw a card and then we'll see if that card has something that it can illuminate about this trip that you had in ashville okay all right so i'm so i'm um thinking about whatever you want just probably random placebo effects completion so the card is uh this is uh the four of wands completion looks like a bicycle wheel well no you'll notice that this uh on this uh we'll see a familiar friend if you look at the spokes of the wheel the goat of it oh yeah i see your buddy well i was i was gonna see see the see the bird and the goat and the okay so completion four of wands let's see what we've got here completion

four of wands that's a great card to get out of a of a trip for sure um completion four of four of wands four of wands these are very beautiful tarot cards and they're really thought out in the way that we just use them as like would be scoffed at by anybody who was really into this stuff so okay here we are the tree of life okay the four of wands here we are the four of wands represents chesed the power of condensation growth and stability standing in the structural discipline of the four the work is done the plan was successful the fire is settled and rains over its realms fires the element that stands for at zulah the world closest to divinity and through the card and though the card might talk of every possible endeavor a job or relationship

and intellectual research it is most likely aiming at something more spiritual this explains the upcoming of the card in such seemingly inappropriate situations like big family troubles or failed business projects here by the card shows us that we've learned a lesson and the failure in the profane world was just what we needed to achieve more spiritual maturity seems to work with your trip yeah so the completion of my my ego death it's the understanding that you're maybe you're that you're learning that instead of trying to rearrange the people around you you need to start working on your interior internal self there you go cool so there we go hail satan just kidding some people think tarot cards are evil it's so funny it's like it's so weird how

creeped out people get can get by this stuff when in fact it's just like just beautiful ways it's just screens that you use to sort of see the deeper parts of yourself projected on the world you know it's not really the occult it's just seeing what's in you all the time right that's interesting i i started saying before like when we when the when the mic was off that i was really i was really surprised by how many devils and angels i saw when i was tripping because i don't i don't ever i'm not worried to i don't consider myself like i don't know how do i say this i'm not i grew up in a really religious family but i was never afraid of the devil and i was never i never thought in those terms like i don't know no it it's you know yeah like i like i never like

had any association with a goat of mendez which is what or mendies however you say which is what this being is behind me but when i was tripping i saw it everywhere and so it's like i think it's kind of like um you know this is where you get into coral young and the idea of like we have we do have an ecosystem of symbols inside of us and even if you weren't even if your conscious mind wasn't uh drawn towards the story of the devil and the story of god some deeper part of yourself adopted that as a way to understand the universe because you're defenseless when you're a kid and they start pouring that stuff into your brain you're defenseless you know let's see so you see your or or or that's just that's a kind of like sad way to look at it a deep way to look at it is

that these are like actual atomic components of the human psyche that manifest all over the planet in different symbols but the symbols all represent the same thing right so here we have the devil maybe in india you might have mara the god of death who tempted um who tempted buddha or maybe you have some uh you have uh and the ramayana um shit what's that god that fuck there's an evil demon king that tortured the hanuman anyway the point i can't really i can't remember his name anyway the point is there's a lot of symbols for the very same thing and and and but that thing is what exists primary to language in the human brain and then it wears the the outfit of the symbol and so that's why when you're tripping suddenly you see these symbols

because they're always there just under the surface right i wonder i'm about to see my my dad in a couple of days for thanksgiving and my dad is a my dad's a preacher and i wish i wish there was a way for me to talk to him about this stuff can you not no he's so um he's so anti-drug in a really like extreme way that he would he would be uh just very upset by the other mushroom it's so sad that our preachers are against drugs it's just the worst our shamans are like they're it's like it's like people who are supposed to be starting fires afraid of uh matches is what the fuck right yeah it's like you're you're afraid of a goddamn thing that by the way you know your whole religion is probably uh represents mushrooms you know about this there's

the you've ever heard of the book by john marco allegro called uh the sake i think it's john marco allegro it's called the sacred mushroom in the cross no i don't know how christianity started off as a mushroom cult and they use ancient murals from churches where it shows in the garden of eden it shows the tree of life as a silica as a cubensis as a mushroom have you ever seen these pictures yeah i don't i don't even talk about yeah so it's like it's so weird that these fucking preachers they get so far separated from the original truth of the religion that they're teaching that they don't even understand that the sacrament that they're supposed to be ingesting is the fucking mushrooms that's also my dad's just personal background because of family history

or whatever scared of it because of heroin and stuff and the addictive drugs he he uses in the category of drugs he just piles everything except for coffee and probably alcohol right stays in some other category yeah yeah i don't know how are you doing i'm great i'm doing great yeah i feel really good i'm i'm overcoming a cold which is really nice and i feel pretty good thank you for asking i don't know i'm great i've i'm getting it's i'm a weekend a single life getting used to that again how is that you know it's it's i gotta say it's it's not that bad right now and uh i'm i'm actually kind of like disconcerted because i expected more of a sort of um generally when i get out of a relationship i don't know but it's been kind of strung out right so yeah this was a

kind of bumpy bumpy ride so i think it was sort of you know i'm a little embarrassed by the way it ended and i wish that i had uh been a little more like kind but uh it's not one of those cool breakups that you brag about like what no i i'm just kidding but just like oh yeah embarrassed by the way it's like no one's like hey i gotta tell you oh yeah this breakup was great we went we went dancing listened to classical music gave each other roses kissed each other on the cheek my heart was filled with love and we both went dancing into the horizon not even looking back at each other was wonderful like those breakups uh i get that i get when people when people tell me that like they had a really great un-messy breakup i hate it it's not yeah no shit it's

like i mean un-messy like i guess i've had breakups that are that are un that are un-messy in the way a dog getting euthanized is un-messy or like just falls asleep it just turns into a lifeless bit of meat that used to be some glowing fire of love like i've had that or sometimes they in like a car accident where you're like standing in the street looking at your dead family screaming at the sky or sometimes you know you never know yeah but yeah this one this one wasn't it ended it was it ended in texting which is always bad like it's a text end was it like a heightened text end or was it like was the to the conversation build to a breakup or was it do does that question make sense the conversation built to a breakup yeah okay so it was like a string of it wasn't

like good morning and then it wasn't exactly good morning it was like it started not great and then it just sort of like spiraled into like a breakup and and you know if you're if you're if like if things are that bad that is text string will cause a breakup like fucking thing was in it was over that's a that's a thing that's already dead uh so maybe that's why i don't feel so bad but um i don't know i feel good about it and i feel um uh i don't know i keep waiting like every morning i wake up kind of with this wince like okay am i gonna get slammed by depression and regret today over this and it hasn't happened yet like i'm because you know sometimes like you'll have a delayed effect right the poison won't start interacting with your body until later but nothing nothing nothing

that's great is it good good so yeah it's good that doesn't mean i'm a sociopath no i think it means that you probably already dealt with the the pain like in your back and forth like in the in between stage when you were feeling regret or you're feeling bad or you were because you you were you were sad you were upset i think you the last time this happened yeah i was wrecked yeah so you did it you did it then you you already mourned the relationship it sounds like this last thing was just a you you were just trying you know in a way maybe maybe you guys were both just trying to make yourselves uh not feel any pain just have a have a final like let's let's let's remember why this wasn't a good thing yeah right like let's like i mean it was it's my you know it's it's

this is my fault because i ended i mean i i i basically begged her to get back together with me after i'd broken up with her last time like i would say literally not bait like literally i've been there that's what let's let's just say that i a lot of restaurants wondered why the asshole was crying like a couple of dinners ended with tears for me as i tried to express my regret yeah so that was dumb uh that's the worst i've been there that's what's a bad bad selfish place to be selfish selfish selfish and you you gave me advice earlier when you're like don't what are you doing don't give it time don't contact her and i just sort of the thought well i'm just gonna do it and i did it and so that was i think that was a prime mistake that was a mistake but um i don't know was it a

mistake i i don't know i mean are you i mean if i if if if her feelings didn't exist i'd say no it seems fine you're doing great i mean you did wait you know but i mean how's she doing do you have any idea like if she's i don't know wrecked i don't know yeah i don't know i i do think you know you know it's that's a it was kind of a selfish move but maybe but that doesn't mean that it was bad or anything that doesn't make you bad we all do selfish terrible things no one no one is a good person when it comes to like love and how are you so good at this this is in your podcast this is like you're like legendary for is someone who's like a relationship oh counselor how did you get so good at this do you have time by the way it's yeah oh i don't i

have plenty oh it's it's uh 228 oh i'm good yeah yeah yeah so how do you how did you get so good at this um well thank you um i i think when i was a kid like i didn't have any romantic relationships until pretty late like 17 and i mean like any sort of like crush or i had crushes but like no like no childhood romances or anything and i from a very young age we came like really i really was obsessed with relationships and why people fall in love and why people choose certain people and so when i was really young i would go to the library a lot and and check out you know dr spock books and so but that's that's a child ring who am i thinking of um um dr ruth sure she's good at it yeah like it started with that and then i i got really into

body language stuff and college and the art of flirting and because i didn't because i didn't understand it because no one liked me and so like i had to i really wanted to to get good at it and then when i started having relationships like my relationships have always this is kind of unfortunate and in some ways it's it's fine it's fine because you know i can't change it and it is just my personal history but my life like always my relationships have been like the most important thing in my life always yeah and i mean i dropped out of college for a boyfriend yeah like my my whole everything is is trying to not let my relationship be the most important thing and to not let boyfriends be the most important thing and so you know when i as

as an like in my early 20 have you achieved that goal not letting my boyfriend be the my relationship be the most important thing um i think that i've become more i'm more balanced now i think that i'm it's not i'm not as manic as i used to be in that area like i used to just like i i mean i i've done i've done some really like shitty and crazy things in relationships and i've always i'm never i'm not a moderate person and so my my struggle or like my my my journey and i think kind of where i am now is that i'm i'm more i'm okay with normalcy and with like with my boyfriend now like luckily dan is so dan is obviously so smart and yeah like he's able to for those of you don't know uh Aaron's boyfriend is dan harmon who is on the

podcast before the last one so right yeah so he's like even though like he he has all these like crazy tendencies like i do like he has presence of mind to say to me like especially in the beginning of our relationship like hey like he's also 12 years older than me and that helps him saying hey look everything's fine you are you are having this like this really extreme reaction because you're putting this relationship at the at the center of your life and it it shouldn't be in the middle it should be around the the the perimeter wow you know smart yeah he i can't do that yeah it's it's hard um i relationships for me always become the golden cow it's like they become this giant idol with glowing eyes that lives in the middle of my brain and i am just constantly

bringing offerings of fear and time and and anxiety to the thing and it just eats it up and eyes glow brighter and it's like no matter what i'll be walking along a path beautiful day with my dog completely alone yeah everything's just the garden of Eden and this thing in my brain is just like bring me fear are you'll lose your love you're losing your love today it's the worst how do you not do that i i i really feel like maybe it's better for me to just be alone because i because i think maybe i just have this malfunction where there's no i don't think so i think i mean i don't i don't know why that happens because i do that i do that too like i'm getting i'm getting better at it but i mean it doesn't take a lot for me to be

like everything in my relationship is great everything's fine we live together we have a dog yeah everything's fine but i will it doesn't take a lot for me to be sitting alone like working on something at home and i'll start to think uh god like why i mean does he does he love me i don't know like think about that thing i i don't know i don't know if he loves me at it oh and then i'll just spiral and then i'll send him a text that's like some crazy text like why did you do and he's in the middle of work he's like what am i getting this this crazy this crazy text and i don't i don't know i try to figure out like why that is but that doesn't really help me cope with that part of myself but it's probably and i don't know if you had a similar experience but like i like i had a really

rough relationship with my mom growing up and then she died when i was a teenager so i don't i don't i don't want to say i have an abandonment issues or anything but i'm always testing somebody to see if they actually love me that's what i do and that and inevitably the test fails right yeah i can convince somebody yeah don't fucking love me at all because the idea is you're like god damn it just show me that you're gonna love me no matter what i do right that's what you want that sense of embrace like god damn it just like just fucking don't try to teach me a lesson just give me a just show me that i i'm i i'm fine yeah that's what you want yeah and they don't understand that and they shouldn't have to understand that it's not their job to understand

that they should be able to they should expect non-gamesmanship they should expect things right on the level i suppose but i mean come on what planet are you living on we're all insane right i think like for me the thing the thing that made the big difference is uh changing how i what i think a relationship is and that's like dan dan being 12 years older and having and and and being more wise than i am has is really he's really taught me that a relationship like i realized that the way that i was seeing my relationships was was this this intense dramatic back and forth this big story this opera like and and and i was i was choosing people that were doing that and i was i was i was doing that and starting all the this this stuff and not necessarily

like starting a drama but even like it's dramatic i mean something that i do that i've always done is is is give really extravagant gifts and not i don't mean like gold but i i mean like really intense gifts like i published a book for dan last i was there it was awesome right yeah so that was so fun and i love that but even even that and that's that's a fun thing but always for my boyfriends i've always i've always done that i've always and and that's even that is like bringing drama or like bringing like like making the relationship this god you know so in the same boat oh my god i mean i'm usually a broke piece of shit and i'm not able to do anything for anyone but this last one yeah man it was like yeah big big gifts and it's another test too it's a test

like hey i i spent hours and hours making this thing can you accept that like does that do you still love me is that can you handle my love yeah like it's it's a or it's just a way because you want to like it's a way like you give them this nice thing not because you want them to be happy with the thing that you're giving them but because you want something out of them you're like trying to juice them for something right that's selfish so weirdly it's this selfish gift giving because really you're not giving them this thing because you're like hey you know what i think you would really fucking love this ipad i'll make you so happy to be able to use it you're thinking like if i give you this i bet you're gonna really love me more yeah trickery it's trickery it's trickery of

the most basic sore it's so sad i mean i i know that dan listen to your podcast like that that uh i mean that that book gift was like that came from a really came from a good place i definitely i wasn't thinking about your book oh no no all i thought when i you were giving the book gift to to dan was like my god if i could only experience one that much worse this kind of love from anything on earth one yeah i i uh yeah it came from a good place but i certainly got off on knowing that he was going to look at it and be so and i and this is also i mean i did the same thing with my parents have done this like with boyfriends everything just like hey like like i'm fucking amazing yeah look how i put together this thing and i and i spent all these hours it's the same

thing like with my cakes or anything else like i just need and and this is this is like a this is this is a standard like kids kids that were rewarded for being quote unquote gifted or like excelling in school and i'm always trying to recreate you know the writing contest i won in the third grade or right you know because my parent that's how my parents like showed their love for me it was anytime that i like accomplished something cool like that or was or when i was like put in a gifted class or like bumped up a grade or like that was that was the that's where i got all my love but the thing is the trick is to to to really think about what what you think a relationship is because it's the the better thing like better than high drama and better than like showing up

in the middle of the night or breaking into your ex-boyfriend's house which is something that that i've done yes um that that was that was my time when i had i had broken up i broke up with my boyfriend absolutely destroyed him and then he started dating someone else and then i was like gotta get him back yeah and i still had a key to our old apartment and broke into the apartment just because i couldn't get a hold of him and i had to convince myself that something was wrong and there was like another girl there it was so embarrassing um you can hear about that story on my podcast episode episode of steve green my ex-boyfriend um that's so wild that you had him on your podcast i did not listen to that episode we hadn't talked in five years there'll be a link

to that episode if you go on the comment section of this podcast just click on the link and you'll see a link to the to that podcast but it's it's so cool to like to to redefine what you think a relationship is to just oh this is this is a partner and this is somebody who if if you start thinking i think what saved me was was Dan saying look we're going to be together forever like i said that very early on like very sweet very sweet when we would get it and you can't expect that from from everyone to say that to you because it is like kind of like it's a strange thing comforting and sweet though really he knew exactly what to say i mean that's such that's exactly what you want to hear it's like yes yeah yeah what a relief thank you maybe like i think it's possible like if

he hadn't said that to me like if dan and i ever broke up for any reason i i think that the the next person that i was with you if you imagine i'm going to be not in a way that you like stop noticing what's going on in your relationship but if you are with somebody who you really like and you assume in your head that you're going to be with them forever you really chill out when it comes to needing certain things from them and needing drama and whatever because what's better than all of that crazy drama and getting back together and breaking up and like that emotional high with so much better than that is being able to sit and like read next to them while they're playing a game or just just be with somebody where you feel like you're just you you're you're totally

yourself with this one person who's like your teammate like that that's so much better than any drama and whatever that's you know what you just described you just described uh spirituality yeah you just because the difference is the idea is like in in religion or in if you can get over the idea that this is just one little incarnation that you're going to have and understand that you are an infinite being that takes on the clothes of so many countless bodies and that you have that you can just give up the idea that in this little body you're going to take over the planet and transform everything into some kind of garden of Eden that you're going to be the most successful thing or the happiest thing or the richest thing if you can just drop all that drama

then you can really start enjoying life instead of trying to like you know make life enjoy you yeah yeah yeah that's cool man i see i love what you're talking about it but there's still a little piece of me that hears that and thinks uh boring i want the drama you know i want it but i'm getting sick of it but i want it but i say well you'll still you'll still get it like you still like no matter what you still get it at the beginning of a relationship no matter what it's just like that transition that's the hard thing that transition that's the hardest yeah it's really hard and it's confusing because you you when you transition from like getting like first getting to know someone and everything being really exciting and i had a really hard time

with that with dan because when we started dating like he he was so he was so into me and like told me he loved me really early on and it was like so sweet so sweet and so sweeping and exciting and and he like i've never felt more worshiped so then when it when that when it transitioned from that to just being normal i really was like oh he doesn't love me anymore like what is happening like do you not do you not like me is this not like what's what's going on and like getting getting over that was a big deal but now it feels like i'm i'm almost there i'm almost like i'm almost cool you're almost sober basically like you're just you're talking about getting over an addiction to a specific type of drug which is your brain secretes in the beginning of a

relationship and then yeah the brain isn't secreting that as much you're like what the fucks this guy's will make my brain secrete more that'll r&b song make my brain this is thank you so much for coming on the podcast no problem where can people find you um i am also in feral audio this feels terrible podcast i'm on twitter at erin mcgathie and uh yeah what's about it bless oh i'm also doing drunk history i don't know if i'm a fellow drunk history yes narrator awesome i yeah it's very this is it's really fun man it's such a it was really fun this time um i guess we can't i can't talk about it because i make you sign something but right you're gonna love it oh yeah i don't know am i allowed to say that i'm you're allowed to say

you're on it because derrick you know he likes right right pictures of people who are on it so i'm sure it's okay to say you're on it but i don't think you can talk about what you're doing okay cool all right all right listen to her podcast guys because just from this conversation i already feel so much more balanced and i wish that i talked to you four months ago and listen to you or you did talk to your ship listen i never listened but thank you harry christia bye thanks for listening that was erin mcgathie if you like this podcast give us a nice rating on itunes use our amazon portal located at dunkintrustle.com harry christia much love see you guys next time