Duncan Trussell Family Hour - THE CRAFTSMEN

Episode Date: September 14, 2017

We temporarily interrupt the DTFH to present the nations top comedy business podcast "The Craftsmen."

Hello everybody, thank you so much for tuning into The Craftsman, the premier comedy advice podcast. You can find The Craftsman on iTunes. We're also on Stitcher. And you can check out the comments section located at DuncanTrussell.com for all relevant links. My name is DuncanTrussell and you can find me on Twitter at DuncanTrussell. You can also follow me on Instagram at DuncanTrussell. You can check out my Tumblr blog, Comedy Talk today, 2014, at Tumblr.com. And like me on Facebook, DuncanTrussell, and do go back and like the last five or six of my Instagram pictures because that really does help me get up in those Instagram ratings and also do follow me on Instagram because that really

does help. You can also find my Vines at DuncanTrussell. Make sure to subscribe to my Vines and do me a favor and subscribe to my Reddit fan page, which is forward slash DTFH at Reddit. And you can also connect to me through LinkedIn if you want to talk business or any kind of job opportunities. I'm on Instagram, or rather LinkedIn, and that's DuncanTrussell on LinkedIn. You can find me on Tinder. Just kidding, I don't have a Tinder profile yet, but I'm working on getting that. My web guide to get that set up for me. My co-hosts are Johnny Pemberton. You can find Johnny Pemberton on Twitter. It's at Johnny Pemberton on Twitter. He's also on Tumblr. That's johnnypemberton.tumblr.com. You can

also find Johnny over his website. He's got a Squarespace website. That's johnnypemberton.squarespace.com. You can also find Johnny Pemberton's Rooftop Comedy profile located at johnnypemberton at rooftopcomedy.com. Look up Johnny Pemberton. Brendon Walsh is the other co-host of the Craftsman Comedy Podcast. You can find Brendon Walsh's website at BrendonWalsh.com. He's also on Twitter at Brendon Walsh. You can check out his Wikipedia page by going to Wikipedia and looking at Brendon Walsh. Brendon Walsh is located at Google Plus. He's got a great Google Plus handout. You can find him over there. He's got a profile located at Earwolf. You can go to Earwolf.com. Ford slash person.

Ford slash Brendon dash Walsh. If you want to check out his Earwolf profile. He's also located on Facebook. That's facebook.com. Ford slash Brendon M. Walsh. You can listen to his podcast The Bone Zone which is at all things comedy. Ford slash channels. Ford slash 21. Ford slash the dash bone dash zone. You can also check out his profile on the Laugh Factory Comedy Network website located at www.laugffctory.com. Ford slash Brendon Walsh. You can find Brendon Walsh's profile at the Acme Comedy Company which is located at acmecomedycompany.com. Ford slash comics. Ford slash headliners. Ford slash Brendon dash Walsh. Definitely check those out. Of course, follow him on Instagram and follow

him on Twitter and check out his rooftop comedy profile which is at rooftopcomedy.com. Comedians. Ford slash Brendon dash Walsh. You can really get lost in that rooftop comedy website with so many great comedian profiles to go through. Don't spend too much time in there comedians because the less time you spend on the internet and the more time you spend writing jokes and mapping out your stage time for the week, the more your craft is going to become perfected and the sooner you're going to get to get in that Kimmel Showcase or that Tonight Show Showcase. Today's a great episode. It's brought to you by grape ape, purple vape, vape juice, e-juice which you can find at grape ape dash purple

vape dash e-juice dash eu.com. This is a great vape. This is a great e-juice. It tastes like purple and it's really nice on the lungs. Definitely check out the grape vape juice. You're going to love it. Without further ado, let's get this podcast started. If you want to find any links, you can go to dunkintrussell.com. All the links I mentioned here will be listed there. As always, please go through our Amazon portal if you want to buy something through Amazon. First, do go through the portal located at dunkintrussell.com and bookmark that portal. Also, give us a nice rating on iTunes if you could and be sure to like The Craftsman on Facebook and upvote us on Reddit and make sure that you give us a good like over there

on YouTube, but our YouTube channel and make sure to subscribe to this podcast on iTunes and also on Stitcher. Now let's get going with today's episode of The Craftsman. Welcome to The Craftsman, a podcast dedicated to teaching young performers the art and craft of stand-up comedy. The Craftsman with comedians Brendan Walsh from Chelsea Lately and Johnny Pemberton from Chelsea Lately. And me, Dunkintrussell, your host who has not been on Chelsea Lately. Hey, is that okay there? You doing alright? Yeah. A little bit of technical difficulties. Here we are guys and we're at The Craftsman right now. You're listening to The Craftsman.

This is your moderator for this session. This is Johnny Pemberton. What's up? And I'm sitting down here with two of my favorite comics. What's up? You got to let me say your name first. This guy needs to figure it out already. I'm just kidding Brendan. It's so much coffee today. I'm just riffing with you.

No, I love riffing with you. Can I take a puff on this vape? Sure, man. Oh, you know what? We should definitely save that for later on. Go ahead and hit that vape. That's a topic I wanted to bring up. Well, we do have a sponsor for the podcast for the first time. Let me just lay out some things. Crimson King Vapes on Hollywood Boulevard 444.

Got it. Hollywood Bee. You're listening to The Craftsman, which is a podcast about the craft of comedy, specifically stand-up comedy. And I'm going to be moderating tonight because last time we did this, we all sat down, we had a great discussion, learned a lot about comedy, taught a lot about comedy, talked a lot about comedy, and Duncan, you moderated. So we're going to kind of do like a round robin moderation thing here.

Well, I wanted to keep moderating, but you said we should do round robin. Well, I just thought it'd be nice, you know, because you kind of, I want to hear what you guys have to say. I feel like you guys have a lot of stuff to say here. So I mean, is there anything that you guys are thinking about? Like what's what's happened right now in the world of comedy that's on your mind? Let's just clear out the, let's just throw it out there. What do you got?

What's going on? It's festival season. Right. So that's not to get too inside baseball for all you non-comedian listeners, but. This is a baseball podcast. You know what I'm saying? Whoa, that just threw me for a curveball. Oh, man.

Oh, wow. Our knuckleball would have been a good bunch up. Hope I knock it out of the park on this podcast. Yeah, but one thing I like about this podcast is that we do it at my home. Yeah, home plate. Home plate for Duncan here. But just a little warning you guys. I'm not letting either one of you get to second base tonight.

What is that? Second base. Up the shirt. Yeah, yeah. And you guys will call me if I run a foul or anything here, right? Because, or maybe, I mean, if I strike out, that's a whole other thing. No, I think that was just a home run. That's what she said.

Oh, shit. Brandon, I got to say, I really like where you started off with here because what you're, what you're just did is something that I think a lot of young comedians and people now don't understand, and that's really doing metaphors and riffing on metaphors that are something that people get, which is baseball, football, basketball, things like that are in the sphere of understanding. But also, if I could add to what you're saying, and it was brilliant where you did. Yeah.

Well, it's being in the moment, really. But it's when you, a lot of the top comedy shows right now, the top still, as always, being Chelsea Lately, involve a round table situation. Exactly. And guys, this isn't... There's At Midnight too. And At Midnight is a similar... A great showcase for comedians.

But my only complaint with At Midnight is they don't let you do any material on there. And I think that is, the comedian's material is his calling card. So you should, there should be a segment where somebody can at least do one or two... Well, I think you've got a lot of opportunities to do your material when they have their hilarious Twitter hashtag gags. And I think that's a good chance for a comedian to sort of, you know, tee up and throw in their comedy cards. Like if somebody leaves a door open, like let's say we're naturally having a conversation

about, you know, television or whatever. I'll try to steer the conversation into like, let's make a deal so I can do, you know, either, is that your final answer a bit? That's a great thing. That's, I don't know if you guys, I've been working on that. You know, it's a part of that whole dating riff that I did. Can I just interrupt you there real quick, Duncan? You were talking about Chelsea Lately.

Can I finish my point? Yeah, exactly. I'd love that. One thing that happens when you're on a round table show is that this isn't, we're not talking about, you know, playing by the rules. You've got to have the guts to get in there. You've got to get in there. You've got to talk over people sometimes.

And I'll tell you, if you're going to sit in the back and wait for someone to say, what funny thing do you have to say, Brendan Walsh? Oh, no. You've got to get, yeah. You've got to jump in there. So when that's going to happen, it's not going to happen. Ever. You're not going to, you'll never speak it.

Shit. Sorry, guys. Is that your manager? Yeah. Okay. Is that your manager or your agent? I've got to take it. Or it could be both actually.

It could be on a conference. Can we record the call? Sure. Go ahead and take it. You want to take that? Hello. Is this a real call with a manager? Hello.

Yeah. Hey, how's it going? Kids, listen up. This is how you talk to them. That's great. Honestly, no, I got to tell you, I really think I knocked it out of the park on that too. This is such good news. So what do I...

Okay, CBS Radford. That's a studio? That's a major studio? A fitting. Okay. This is what happens before a booking. No, that sounds great. Sounds like an audition or a callback.

It's not like a booking because I heard that we're fitting. Okay. Parking a lot across the street. Okay, parking instructions. This is real. Yeah, across the street, it's better too because you can get lost on those a lot. Yeah. Will I get reimbursed for the parking?

It doesn't matter. You should know that. I was going to ask. I was going to say... No, no, no. Yeah, no, I'll be there. He's talking with his manager, though, so it is a safe place. Okay.

So, no, don't wear green. Yeah. Green's green, but you're going to want to... Okay. Yeah. No, that's great. This is awesome news. All right.

Thanks a lot. Bye. What do we got? Yeah, hit us with the other side of that conversation, please. Yeah, no, I booked a gig. Great. Yep. It's not...

Oh, yeah. It's not exactly a starring role in like two and a half men or anything. Yeah, well, there's only one of those. I think we all know what happened to that guy. What do you got? It's an audience opportunity. Great. I'm going to be in the audience of a new...

There's a new pilot. Great. Called the Kitchen Help. Kitchen Help. I've heard about this. It's got some buzz. Yeah. Yeah.

So, that's great, Brennan. Congrats. I'm going to look at other comedians when they get a call like that from the manager. They might say, like, no, you know, I'm too good to be in the audience or to be part of the show. That is part of the show. Yeah. The audience is as valid a part of the show as the actors are part of the show.

It's all a team. We're all working together here. And you need to take those opportunities when they come. So, way to go, man. Yeah. The way I look at it, like, it's, you know, it doesn't pay anything. It doesn't matter. Got to pay to park.

But that's six hours, you know, it's six hours commitment. It's worth an experiment. And that's a tax write-off. For two tapings. Yeah. But that's also, that's six hours that I'm going to be on a lot. Totally. On a real Hollywood studio lot.

And you better bet your ass I'm going to have some headshots and resumes and business cards. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm going to- Did you might just leave and maybe the executive bathroom? Oops. You never know who else is going to be in the audience. And there's definitely going to be some industry around. Let me give you an example of how these things go right.

This is great. My friend Raymond Plitz had a very similar opportunity. He was in the audience for Prices Right. Oh. And- That's a great one because you could get on stage. Exactly. Yeah.

He did not get on stage. He went there. But as he was leaving the Prices Right lot, he ran into Graham French. Remember him? He used to do the mic at- Yeah. He ran the mic at- Not Schlotzke's.

It's that one Delhi place. Clint's- Clint's- Clint's Delhi. Oh, he taught that class. He had a comedy class. Yeah. He taught the class at IOS.

Exactly. Yeah. It wasn't at IOS. It was right near IOS. But he would just say he was right close by. But his car had broken down or whatever. And he got a ride back and they sort of started talking. And he got a good six minutes of stand up out of that because he had to run to the mic

and bam, six minutes of stand stage time. Also, you just said something, Duncan, that a lot of people don't know about. What you just said about his car breaking down. Now, that's something we all understand, right? And there's just two aspects of this I want to just talk about real quick. One, if you're a comic, your car should never break down. You should be making sure that car is running. Yeah.

But two, sometimes wink, wink, that car might break down, wink, wink. And who's going to give you a ride? Well, a lot of those executives, they're sharks in the boardroom. But when it comes to a broken car, they love showing off that new Audi. Winston Churchill said, the best way to get someone to help you is to let them help you. And to add too, you know, Pamela Anderson was discovered from being in the seats at a baseball game. That's true. She was in the audience.

Yeah, never heard that. I think it's true. What's that story? She was at a, she's Canadian and she was at a Toronto baseball game. I think one of those Toronto baseball teams. Yeah. I really got a brush up on my sports because my references are really slacking these days. A lot of great comics coming out of Canada.

Yeah. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Jim Belushi. Mike Myers. Dana Carvey. Gavin Brodsome. Hilarious.

Jeff Gilding. He's got it. I just saw him at the store the other day. Kevin Sanchez. Kevin Sanchez. He's killing it. Have you seen that bit? He has about Bed Bath and Beyond.

Jeff Gilding. Yeah. I mean, this is his joke. I mean, Jeff Gilding, all props to you, baby. I won't do it justice, but basically it's like, he goes both ways with it. Bed Bath and Beyond. It's like, there's not a whole lot beyond the bed and bed there. But he takes out, like, you know, what he gives you what the beyonds could be.

And we're talking like crazy stuff here. Yeah. Yeah. It's a real fun one. You can really run with that kind of thing. Like a time machine and a Stargate portal or something like that. And midgets. I know that there's like midgets working there.

Can I use this opportunity to ask you guys a question? What are some real obvious sources for material you think that are real good? Beyoncé. Crowd. Okay. Beyoncé. Maybe we'll just do like a rapid fire round here. Beyoncé.

Beyoncé. Okay. Bed Bath and Beyoncé. Bed Bath. Oh my God. Have you tweeted that? No. Can we just, we're going to stop down real quick and do a tweet break?

Should we pause for a second? I'm going to go ahead and tweet that. Quick pause for a tweet break, guys. All three of us should tweet it? Yeah. Let's all tweet it real quick. Okay. Oh wow.

You don't have your phone on you. That's interesting. Well no. Could you imagine if I didn't have my phone on me? I'd be sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day tomorrow. You know what? I was going to fight back, but you guys are right. It is the craftsman, but you know.

Let me go grab my phone. It's okay. I'll give you a little. No, no, no. I'm going to go get my phone. I'm totally embarrassed. You're right. Are we putting commas after bed and bath?

Is that? You do it your way. I'll do it my way. By the way, imagine sitting with Billy, the kid, and he's like, let me go get my gun. Yeah. Exactly. Duncan, that's such a great point.

I'm just going to use that. What you just said to talk a little bit about professionalism in terms of equipment for the comic. Brandon, maybe you can stop me if you disagree or agree on any of these points. Stop in the name of love. I love when you do that. Sorry. I am so jacked up on coffee right now.

Do you do that? Do you ever do that at clubs? That must kill. Sometimes I'll do some word association, like if I'm doing crowd work. Generally, if I'm all jacked up on caffeine, you know. Because sometimes I got to tell you the difference between when I wake up in the morning before my coffee and after my coffee is like, it's like, before coffee, I'm like, it's like you're swimming in mud, you know.

And then it's like, have a little coffee and then, okay, where do I'm doing 10 things at once? Now I'm over here. Now I'm over there. Can I stop you? I was actually trying to stop him, but I can't. Because the guy's rolling. Sorry, guys.

The physicalities you're doing right now, I just so wish we were filming. Oh my gosh. Because you're doing the pour the coffee in the mug into the mouth and you're doing it so fast. It's like watching somebody. I feel like I'm watching a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Well, that's space work. And I'm not to no offense to the NASA astronauts, but it's a term in comedy where you're a pantomime.

You pantomime action. So it's like I'm opening a cupboard. I'm looking around. But you have to see, like you really believe it's very easy to do after years of training. You got to stop the comedy for a second here so I can make a legitimate point. You basically brought two things together that I want to talk about. We were talking about some joke ideas, joke launch pads, coffee, obviously a great one. And the coffee sizes at the Starbucks where it's like speaking English.

Can I finish here please? Let me finish. But you're also, we're talking about Duncan didn't have his phone. I was going to go in. And doughnuts, another brand of coffee. Duncan donut have his phone. Oh, Duncan. Oh my God, tweet that too.

But there's a lot of, let me say name opportunities, I hope is what you're talking about. Comedians equipment, because like every job you've got your tools and I think coffee is a tool, phone is a tool, pen is a tool, notebook. What are some of the tools you guys are never without except for you Duncan and your phone? Yeah. Let's talk about that. Some comedian tools that you really got to have in your belt, literally. I keep a picture of my stepdad in my wallet.

My stepdad was a soldier. He fought in the Vietnam conflict and he was a hero. And he... Not to interrupt, but replace that picture with a picture of Carlin. Well, I had the difference between maybe between yeah, but the difference between me and you is that I take my inspiration from heroes of all shapes and colors and I support the troops. I love my mother.

But I support the troops. You got to support the troops. Well, you... I just did a tour. I just was entertaining the troops. But what you just said, it sounded like you didn't, so... No, I'm just saying that for I get this. Didn't it sound like that?

It did. Brennan, do you want a quick second just to redact what you said? I'll just give you the floor. No offense to the troops out there. I didn't, I mean nothing. I do want to say this. Can I stop you for one second and then you could do it? I think one of the most important things as a comedian is having the courage and the guts

to recognize that you're wrong and if someone in the audience or someone on Twitter or someone in your social media asks you to apologize, you better apologize. Well, I'm not going to go so far as to say that I was wrong. I was misunderstood and if I offended anybody, I sincerely apologize. I support the troops completely. If I could, I mean if you looked inside me, it's a red blooded American, but it's also an American eagle flying high up above the red, white, and blue. Kids, people who do comedy, I hope you're listening, because what you just got there

was a classic example of a... Raptor. A raptor, but a patriotic apology that sewed it up with a funny bone. That is a hard thing to do and Brendan, you are a true craftsman. Well, a lot of comedians think that all you have to do is get on stage and act like an eagle and it's going to be funny, but you have to not just act like an eagle. You have to really be able to deliver what an eagle is like. I think it's one of the funniest things you can do in your act is to do the sound of a

bird or an eagle and Brendan, that was amazing. It's got to come from a real place, especially if you're thinking about a bald American eagle, that's the symbol, that's a federally protected bird, that's America and that's what people want, that's what we're talking about. Let me do one real quick. What is it? Let's hear you. That was a good bird impression.

Holy shit. That's Kevin Spacey. Wow. I thought it was someone else. Just walking. Okay, same thing, so good. That's a big thing. This bird just shit on my car.

Do you think? Well, you know what? That's actually, speaking of tools, that's also a great thing to have in the comedians' tool bag. That right there. It was an impression. I apologize because this coffee has got my mind going a thousand miles a minute, but how about this?

American eagle. It's like, oh, I salute you, eagle. Meanwhile, on the ground, Christopher Walken's going to get into his bends and, hey, who just dropped a red, white, and blue turd all over my Mercedes Benz. That's such an upsell right there. You're really milking at a bit. It's a two-parter. Is that a chunk?

Could be. I'm honest. I'm just riffing. I mean, I do the bird. I do the American eagle impression on stage, but not in that context. I mean, I do Walken and an American eagle, but. Do you guys want to do a quick talk about it? Have a combined one.

Do you want to talk about the difference between a bit, a joke, a punch-up, a chunk, and just so those different nomenclature. Yeah, I'd love to. Yeah, Duncan, you want to start us off with that? Yeah, absolutely. What is a bit? Well, a bit is the final sort of like when you have the, how do I put this? My stepdad, he was in Vienna and he is now partially a vegetable with Lloyd Webber Carlson

syndrome. So he's got bile, regurgitates bile. The queen of the bile. Yeah, Brendan. Like the Nile Egypt. Go ahead. We're going to take a quick, we're going to take a real quick break and come back. We're listening to The Craftsman with Duncan Trussell, Brendan Walsh, and this is moderating

Johnny Pemberton. We'll break back. We pause it real quick. Yeah. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, Hollywood vapor pen. Did you vape? You got to vape. Why aren't you vaping?

Get into the fog. Get into the steam. Get into the vape, vape, vape, vape, vape, vape, vape. Hollywood vapor pen. And sometimes it's a pen. Coming out of Hollywood, everybody, you getting out? You getting a free subject? Good.

Hollywood vapor pen. If you're not vaping, I don't know what you're doing. Hollywood. The word bile is inherently funny. I'm sorry. Hey, and we're back here on The Craftsman. This is your moderator, Johnny Pemberton, and I'm with two extremely funny comics. Two cuckoo birds.

Let me. Hey, guys. What's that? What time is it? Oh, it's cuckoo o'clock. Time for The Craftsman. Can I say your names, please? You guys are breaking the one rule in show business.

You know what that is? That's the first time I ever stepped on that. I mean, you guys have heard that rule, right? No. What's the rule? It's the one rule. Say what you want about me, but spell my name right. Hell, yeah.

I think that was P.T. Jarcon said that. P.T. Barnum. Not Jarcon. Yeah, that's what I meant. I thought it was, I don't even know it myself. Brendan Walsh, B-R-E-N-D-O-N-D-O-N-W-A-L-S-H, Duncan Trestle, D-U-N-C-A-N-T-R-U-S-S-E-L.

Two S's. Two L. Double L, and double S. Double L, and double S. Double L, and double S. Double S, double L. Look at guys' names. Don't call me an S-L.

Because it's a Trestle. Like, you know, like S, like asshole. I've actually got a couple of different ways I do my name. I do a J-O-H, double N, Y. J-O-H, double N, Y. And don't forget about the Pemberton. P-E-N-B-R-T-O-N. That's real, right?

P-P-P-P-P-P-P-E-M-B-E-R-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-O-N. They love that. B-R-E-N-B-R-E-N-D-O-N-W-A-L-S-H. I'm trying to do that. You know, remember that song? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. B-R-E-N-D-O-N-W-A-L-S-H. That'll be a fun one.

That'll be a fun audience bit to do. You just do that with, like, someone. Well, you can get the audience to sing. Yeah. Yeah. Can I talk to you guys about a couple things here? I got to talk with them. Audience sing-alongs are powerful.

They've been doing it for a million years. Well, and that's a great way to get everybody on board with something. It's just like, hey, remember Cheers? Yeah. How did that song go? It's everybody. If you remember, it's sing-alongs. Give me the smile again.

Don't waste another minute on your crying. Give me that smile again. Cheers? Yeah. I have something pretty cool here to share with you guys. Now, I'll let you guess where this came from after we talk about it, but this is a list I got from a pretty high-profile, old-school comedy booker who's still kind of in the game, but this is some stuff that he, this is what he gives to comics when he first meets them,

and this is just some, what he calls them, road rules. This is not, this guy's not talking about- Not to be confused at the MTV show at the same time. Yeah, great. But to be confused with it. Important. So here's how it works. I'll just go off of them and we can just, we can kind of ref on each one I say.

So here's what he says. Number one, point number one. What if Hux the Bull? Arooody! Here's his point number one. It's a two-drink minimum, not a two-drink maximum comics. Right. Oh yeah.

Damn, right. What do you think about that? I mean, that makes me think of like, there's a lot of comics today who aren't selling drinks. That's, here's the thing. Number one job when you're a stand-up comedian. If you're working at these clubs who are giving you a chance to do your art and who knows what could happen? There could be an SNL booker- Art.

Okay, Picasso. You know what I mean. Yeah, yeah. They're giving you a chance to get up there and do the thing that we've all dreamed about doing since we were a kid. Business. My stepdad said to me, you know, he thought it was very funny. And ever since then, ever since then I've been doing everything I can to make him happy. And since he got sick, it's even more important for me to get happy.

So when I'm on stage, I'm thinking about Daryl, period. That's, that's it. But the first rule before you're doing your art is you're helping the club that gave you a chance to be there. How do you help that club, man? You help them by selling the booze. I mean, that's really, that's what you're there for. I know you use the word art and Duncan, I know you like to use that word, but really when it comes down to it, you know, it's a business. It's a business first.

It's an art second, if not third. Thank you. So we got to keep that in mind. And keep it. Listen, man, that's where your mind should always be. Please keep it there. This is, here's what we're, here's why we're doing this. We're here for the clubs.

Right. We're here for the festivals. What else are you going to do stand-up comedy? Yeah. Besides a comedy club. Yeah. I know some of these alternative ban, or alternative comedians are doing. Let me get my notebook out.

Yeah. Let me get my notebook out. And I'll go up on stage at a coffee shop, which by the way, doesn't even have a stage. Just somebody set up a microphone. Yeah. And I got a bunch of hipsters. Oh, and don't, oh, I got to talk to you guys about my new hipsters chunk. I'm, I'm so, can you excuse me one second.

I hate hipsters. Me too. I'm sorry. I had to vomit everywhere for a second. Because of hipsters? Are you kidding me? Jesus. I know.

Don't get me started on hipsters. Don't get me started on hipsters. This is what I do. And this is a great, like when you want to get rebooked at a club, they're not going to look at like, oh, how many laughs per minute was, was he getting? LPMs. How many LPMs was he getting? They're going to say, how many drinks did we sell?

DPMs. Drinks per minute. Oh yeah. Oh, he was so funny, but we made $20 on the bar. Let's invite him back next year. Come next year. Yeah. And I'm six, six years sober this week.

Congratulations. Congratulations. But you wouldn't know that from my stage. Exactly. I'm doing shots of, it's shots of, I'll do shots of, it's Dr. Pepper instead of Jägermeister. And I'm always, I'm constantly, I'm up there, I'm drinking non-alcoholic beer. Crow doesn't need to know that. Somebody sends me a shot.

I make it very clear to the bartenders like, okay, my shot is Jäger because that's easy to mimic with Dr. Pepper Coke. And they see the comedian having fun and people keep buying you shots. They're charging them full price for a Jägermeister and they're giving me two, not even a penny's worth of Dr. Pepper. Brennan, what you said is a great, great trick there. That is absolutely a great thing. And it creates a great party atmosphere.

It's like, holy crap, we're at Spring Break, like this is a total Spring Break vibe. It's an MTV kind of situation. And everybody's having a good time and then people want to buy merch because they're having drinks. They're having fun. They want to remember that night. So, you know, they'll pick up a key chain or a flash drive. Can we all go around and do our every, if you're a road comic and you're a road warrior

as we all are, and we've been on the road, we've done our time, you got to merge speech. You've got a thing you do at the end of your act or you say to the audience, actually, I do it 10 minutes before the end. That's the best 10 minutes before your closure, before your closure, you do your merge speech. Can we all go around and do our merge speech? You start, Johnny. Well, you know, you guys go ahead. I just, I don't know if, I just, I'm working on a new one right now, so I'm trying to think

about it. You do yours. I have a couple, but this is the one I've been doing lately that always gets, always gets a great response. I say, oh, ladies and gentlemen, you might notice that I have these, these key chains and stickers and this t-shirt on stage that I will be selling them after the show. You can see me out front near the ticket booth and I'll sign it for you. You can get a picture with me, whatever.

And actually, and also, just so you know, all the proceeds go to charity. Charity is my ex-wife's name. Oh my God. Can I buy him? Oh. Yeah, it gets, and it lightens the mood and it's like, seriously, but I'll be up there. Don't be afraid to say hi, even if you don't want to buy something, but please buy something. Yeah.

Best way to do it. And then I go into my closer chunk. That's great. That's great, man. What I do when I do my merge speech is I have queued up, the sound guy has queued up the national anthem, and I get up there and I tell the truth, which is that here's the reason I do comedy. In 1968, my stepdad, Daryl Thorpe.

This is the vet. He's a vet. Yeah. He jumped on top of a man who... Uh-oh. Well, that's actually a good gay punch up there. Yeah, it's a good like, yeah, I mean, maybe say like, and get your mind out of it. Get out of the gutter.

Yeah. Or something. I went there. You know. I wouldn't do that. Yeah. I mean, I might, because I just, I do a lot of faggot jokes. Yeah.

I can't say faggot on stage anymore, which is kind of a problem. Well, you can say it with words. In 19... Not in so many words. My stepdad jumped on a man. Go ahead, sir. My stepdad jumped on a man. Uh-huh.

Sounds kind of gay. Sounds kind of gay to me. I know. I don't mean to break the mood, but come on. I just keep thinking like it's about like two guys kissing or something. I want to throw up on my coffee. He jumped on him, tackled him like... All right.

Let me give you a big old kiss. All right. Well, you do your fucking... Okay. Here's mine. I have a similar thing of the song. I cue up a little classic song called... Taking care of business every day, but I have another loop, so it's just the taking

care of business part. Loops. Taking care of business. And I go, ladies and gentlemen, I don't like doing this. You don't like doing this. This is how it is. America and we are taking care of business. And that's when I have a giant t-shirt, the size of like drapes in a house.

And it's a full site. It's a real t-shirt. It's great, dude. I'm going to get another drink. Okay. I roll that t-shirt out and it's just like the laughs are nonce. He's really pissed. I think...

I don't know. He'll get over it. Yeah. I mean... You can't sit around with a couple other comedians and talk about men jumping on top. I was like, what are we supposed to do? I know. I think it's just that Duncan is just...

He's touchy. He's like getting up. Sounds like somebody's on the run. Yeah. Oh, man. That's a great moment for punch-ups is doing like man period. We should do an inside joke too when he comes back about period. You're listening to The Craftsman here.

This is The Craftsman. Brunelosh. Duncan Trussell and Johnny Permanenton. Duncan has sort of taken some offense because maybe... He's been touchy all morning. Yeah. And then he dees under the bridge before going to do his open mic set. Okay.

Hey, Duncan. Okay, I got it. Yeah. So, like I was saying, I just do this t-shirt thing where I just roll the t-shirt out. It's a giant t-shirt. But here's the deal. It's got a picture of a regular size t-shirt on it and they just go crazy. They just go nuts and that's the thing that they love because it's like you're incorporating

it with the act and you're making them merchandise itself a joke. I also get a lot of things like googly glasses or just things like party favors for like a kid's birthday party. You just incorporate those into any joke and you can sell them. And those out. Yeah. Yeah. This is...

And actually this time of the month is pretty good for merch sales, I find. Yeah. Because, you know... It's totally... I mean, it's... Some of us... People are very sensitive to your sales pitch a lot of times. Yeah, I know.

They're pretty sensitive because maybe... Duncan, do you feel like it's your time of the month when it comes to merch sales? Bleeding money. It's been a whole fucking summer wiping bile and diarrhea off of his mouth. How'd he get diarrhea on his mouth? What are we talking about? Oh, maybe it was 69'ing the wrong way. 96'ing?

I've heard about that. 96'ing, please. Let me tell you something. 96'ing will be about to back off. Exposed. Yeah, yeah. Poopoo in the mouth hole. Zipper fart.

What's that? Zipper fart? He jumped on a man who had a napalm grenade in his jacket. It was pants. And it exploded. And my stepfather was toxified and his sphincter connected to his gastrointestinal system and it reversed his digestive process so he had to eat through his rectum and he would poop out of his mouth.

Come on. That's... I mean, he ought to see the humor in that. It's not funny at all. It is not funny. Do you know what that's like to have to push your stepdad over a table and spoon mashed potatoes into his anus? Well, let me just break it because that's...

As a moderator here. As a moderator. I don't know who that one guy in Albuquerque was. He might have been somebody's stepdad. Can we just move on, Johnny? Ask another question. I'm going to... Wait, I'm saying Duncan, hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. He's suffering. Hey, guys, spoon it into his ass. Do you know what that's like to have to watch a hero take mashed potatoes in his anus? I'm going to cut your mic. Duncan, cool down.

Yeah, please. Duncan, hold on. Brendan, you too. Don't be didactic. I just have a point to make. Can we stop for two seconds? Can we just press reset? I'll say we all have material that can be...

Don't run the light. Let's see where I'm coming from, though. No, it's cool. Here we are. We're back as a craftsman. Comedian Duncan Trussell. Comedian Brennan Walsh. Ovaam and Merritt.

What's his wife's name? Hey, like I said before. We're back on. I'm sorry. Let me say your name, guy. I mean, jeez. I'd like to blame the barista at Starbucks Coffee for making me... I'd like to blame the burrito at Starbucks Coffee for making me go...

I'll say one thing. You do not... You're getting burritos at Starbucks. You should go down the taco bell and get yourself a cup of coffee after work. That's like getting a cup of coffee at a taco truck. I don't think so. It's kind of what I said. I do.

Nothing. I said it first, though. Actually, I just sort of flipped it around, Brennan. Actually, I just flipped it around. You did flip that thing. Okay, guys. Let's talk about this. Flip it.

Rub it down. Item number two on this classic... Number two? Gross. Somebody put a number two on your list. What? What do we have? A toilet paper in the bathroom?

Somebody put a number two on... Actually, that is item number six. Item number six. Item number six, avoid... Is my mic coming through clear? Item number six, avoid poo talk on stage at a restaurant. Avoid poutine. Yeah, poutine.

Here's number two. No, don't avoid poutine, actually. A friend of mine did Montreal and said that's... Didn't have it? No, no, the poutine. You have to try it. If any of us go to Montreal. Definitely talk about it.

Got it. Yeah, because it shows you've been there. It's true. Yeah, yeah. And then you can talk about it. You can prove you've been there. Okay. Respect the booker.

This guy says, I mean, a lot of people, you know... Booker T Washington, coming in to play some blues. Okay. That'd be crazy of Booker T Washington. Wait, is that the guy, the singer? No, it's not. You're thinking of someone else, actually. I think Booker T Washington was someone else.

Respect the book. Can we stop there a second and talk about how books are not as good as movies? Oh my gosh, you know what? I have a cool book. Wait, hold on. I have a cool book. It's called A Bunch of DVDs. Okay.

Yeah. It's called my DVD folder. Nice. I don't know. I love reading that book. I don't want to blow your minds, but I have a whole library in my book bag right now. It's called an iPad with a Kindle app. Thank you.

Thank you. Even that, though. I mean, yeah. The only thing I read is a menu. What? Do your list. Respect the booker. And this is about...

A lot of people know about respecting the booker, like being nice and kind. But here's something. Here's a pro tip. Gift. A nice, small gift to the booker goes along when we're talking about it. A nice... Can I just say that? Can I just say that?

Oh, my gosh. A mice smell gift. A mice tail gift. Can I just say mice? Oh, my gosh. A nice, small gift goes a long way, such as a $10 Starbucks gift card or maybe like a gift basket, something like that, just to say thank you for booking me here. And we'll find out what they like and just, you know, spend 30, 40 bucks.

Also, for your struggling comics out there, too, at the very least, a thank you card after your weekend. And make sure it's send it as soon as you get home or better yet, before you leave the comedy condo, send it so you know they'll get it the next day and then they'll remember that it's... And put a Starbucks gift card in there. So if you can afford it. But I remember when I was starting out, you know, I was sleeping in my car.

I was doing a lot of road gigs. You know, $10 was a lot of money to me. It meant gas and... But you got to do that Starbucks card. I couldn't afford the Starbucks card, but definitely would go down to the Hallmark store. Get a nice thank you card. And actually, if you go to the dollar store, you can get a whole box of thank you cards. Just for the young guys out there.

Just get a whole box of thank you notes and then you'll have them for a whole run. Here's the thing, guys. These bookers, they're working their fucking ass off. They've got a really, really, really hard job. What's our job? Our job is I hang out with my crazy, dummy friends like you, too. Such great pals. I love you guys so much.

Tell some drinking stories. You make me laugh. I make you laugh. If I make you laugh enough, then that's a sign for me to write down a joke and a notepad. It takes two seconds to do it. Now I just put it in my phone. But in our defense, we don't... We never clock out.

I'm always on the clock to be honest. We never clock out. I'm not performing on stage all the time, although I do get up every night. Yeah. But it's fun and it's not... I'm always... I always have my eyes peeled. But our job is nothing compared to the hard work that these bookers put into getting week

after week after week. Well, and the bookers have the unfortunate task of dealing with comedians who are the craziest people on the planet on the first to admit it. So it's... Here they are trying to run a business and help these clubs do well. And then they've got these comedians who are quite often alcoholic, drug addicted. Or prima donnas. Prima donnas who are like, ew, I want water in the green room.

They have to deal with that shit night after night after night. These guys are working really hard. It's like even fireman, like a fireman. He puts out a fire from down there. They're not that many fires anymore. My dad was a fireman though, so they are heroes. That's a great thing to bring up on stage. But back when your dad was a fireman, do you mean a fireman or he dressed like a fireman

when he went to the Blue Oyster? Yeah, because he used to cat him. He was actually a firefighter. Hold on. I got a joke for you. Was he a fireman or just because he pulled on a hose so much? I get what you're doing, but honestly, let's put this back off because he has COPD. Hosing down fires with a hose because sometimes my hemorrhoids are burning.

I wonder if he'd come over and spit on my burning hemorrhoids. I guess I'm a fireman too because I masturbate. No, that's not. My dad was a fireman. He was a hero. I bet your dad did. Was he the poll official there? They don't use polls at the fire department.

He was a hero at COPD now, and let's move on. Thank you very much. Pass up, please. Moving on and over now. Item four, remember that your work... I bet Brendan's dad liked to put his hand on a cock. Yeah, and then a hose after that. What's this deal, man?

It's just we're talking about... No, he's been doing this thing where he's like constantly drinking coffee and he's like acting really weird. Yeah, he's been going through like a bag of coffee a day. Who's a fucking girlfriend, bro? Look, don't date a comic. Don't date a comic. You don't want to get fucked up.

Don't date a comic. Yeah, I mean, it's good and bad. It's great to date a comic because that way it's like your relationship is your life. Yeah, but you're just like... What's he doing? He's attaching himself to somebody who's doing great. She's on Chelsea every other week. Yeah.

She's selling shows. It's just hard because she's like... Of course she's going to dump him. She just does merch. That brings me to point 12, which is about merch first, joke second. Yeah. And let's go on about that. Merch is nice.

That's the thing. A lot of people think you got to write a joke from something that's funny. Here's what I do, and this is something I learned from this old guy, is you get the merch, then you write the joke. What are we talking about? Merch? Okay, yeah, yeah. Write the joke?

My favorite topic because... Write the joke around the merch. All right. It's so easy. Take anything. I'm going to give you a blade of grass at the merch table, as long as it's got my name on it. You shouldn't...

That's not... Because then it sounds like you're taking advantage of people. I mean, I'm proud of the merchandise I sell. I have flash drives. I have keychains and stickers. That was a joke. Yeah. You're so wound up with these things.

Well, but it comes out that if you're saying, oh, I could sell them a blade of grass, it sounds like... I could sell them a bridge in Brooklyn. This is the craftsman, though. This is a safe place. What's that... They always say that. What's that bridge in...

It's like... It's a bridge. Yeah. What is it called, though? Say something stupid. What's it fucking called, though? It's the bridge. It's called the Brooklyn Bridge, goddammit.

It has a name. Say something stupid and I'll show you how the joke works. All right. You mean talk? When you say to Brendan, when you say, say something stupid, you just say, say something. You said, show me something stupid. No, I didn't. I said, say, actually.

You said, show. Let's rewind the tape. Say something. Rewind the fucking tape! We'll see what you said. Let's cut to commercial. Okay. I don't...

We'll see what you said! I know. My bad. But you see, you didn't say show. You didn't say... Yes. Yeah, I know. I'm just such a...

Such a muddle mouth. Total brain fart. So here's the thing. Here's another big list on here. Brain fart. I ate a taco. Uh-oh. With my ear.

Now I've got a brain fart. Did my brain just eat a taco bell because I just had a brain fart? Or I mean, oh no, now it's starting to brain diarrhea. Somebody quick, get me a hat. Somebody quick, put a muzzle on me because I've got mouth diarrhea. Somebody put this fire out my brain because I've got brain diarrhea. Oh, there's so many comics. I need a brain fireman.

Diarrhea. There's so many comics to adjust to the hat. They just have mouth diarrhea. They're not even funny, you know what I mean? Diarrhea in the mouth. So that goes at this point here. Remember that your work is other people's leisure. Yes.

Your Monday is the working man's Friday. Yes. Yeah. So when you're clocking in, somebody else just clocked out. And you got to remember that because you've got hose pullers coming in there, you've got some veterans and stuff. You got to think about these angles when you're doing comedy. You got to tailor them because, like I said, you're on the clock then, they're off the

clock. Right. And so the customer's always right. So if they're unhappy, if they're not laughing, it's because you didn't do your homework. Well, that's where professionalism comes in. Professionalism. I'm doing Christopher Walken again a little bit. But it's like, it doesn't matter, like, hey, it's Friday night.

You have two shows. It doesn't matter if your girlfriend just fucking dumped you because she got some new fucking stupid job or whatever the reason, but if it's like whatever... Timmy is very sorry. She was cool, man. Don't fucking... Timmy Z was... Don't...

Can we? It doesn't matter what your personal... Gee, I'm sure you helped her out a lot. Can we not? Can we not? Okay, sorry. But I... You know what?

But it doesn't... That's not what I'm talking about. Let me just stop you for a second. Leave your problems at the door. This is a show about comedy. Comedians are going to be around other comedians, and they're going to fall in love with other comedians. That's not what we're talking about.

It's not what we're talking about. What I'm saying is, if you're having a bad day as the comedian, you go on stage, it's your job to be the life of the party. She's very funny. You leave that at the... Leave that outside. Whatever is... If your fucking dad or not even your real dad has got to ask, or whatever is the problem,

or if your girlfriend dumped you, or if I'm just saying whatever your personal problem... I don't think he dumped us the right word for it, man. It's like you're... She's like... It's like... It's not... I'm talking about... Okay, I'm not talking about you, and I'm not talking about Tammy.

She only... I'm talking about... Two kids. Two kids. Playing on a playground. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm.

Oh my God, you're really good at playing at this playground. It's time for you to go to a better playground. Here's $10,000. I'm going to drive you to a better playground. You play there, but you can only go by yourself. You can't take your friend who you're playing at the playground with. That's totally off topic, and I told you guys... But you shouldn't beat yourself up because somebody took your girl to another playground

where... Speaking of getting beaten up, maybe we should change the subject. Okay, well... I've got a nice list here that this book provided me of words to avoid on stage. Okay, I'm just going to go through these real quick. You guys can chime in. Moist. Well...

Nobody likes the word moist, but I use it for communication. Can I... Would you mind for once if I... Okay, I'm sorry. Can you just stop it? It is true. People hate that word. Yeah.

Moist! You know what I hate is being interrupted by Brendan constantly. This goes on all the goddamn time. You know what? You know... I don't think you are like a real businessman of comedy because all you ever do is you're just fucking effing around. I'm sorry.

He made me curse. Is this guy being serious? No. You're effing around all the time. Oh, I'm trying to... Your dad's a fireman. Oh, I'm sorry. My dad's a vet.

It seems like your dad must have been a fucking cop. He's like a pig right now. Yeah. I don't really know a whole lot about my dad. Or maybe your dad runs a... Oh, you don't? No. Maybe he runs a babysitting facility.

Look, I'm trying to... Fucking sound like a baby right now. I'm trying to be serious. Wait, hold on. This is a bit. This is a bit. This is a bit. I'm trying to be serious.

I gotta be serious about horse mouth. All right. Because you don't shut up. I'm trying to be serious about comedy here and impart some wisdom to these idiot kids who are... Do you not know a lot about your dad because he was like, I'm out of here and my kid won't shut the fuck up. Yeah, my kid's too bossy.

Maybe if it was your dad or something. Maybe, if he should have been on that show Who's the Boss, and it'd be like, Johnny, apparently. Johnny should have been on the show Who's the Baby? He could have been the star. That's not even a show. It's not really a mystery because we know who the baby is. Who's the baby boss? I'm trying to just...

If you... Go ahead. Go ahead and just spew your stuff in there and I'll just go on. You're moderating. You can't leave. Kiss my A. Oh, okay. This is so stupid.

This is so... We have to edit this so heavily now because, number one, at the end of this, by the way, I want to do an apology because I did raise my voice. I'm just going to say... Well, we'll edit this part out, but I'll say that it was a joke. We should play it off like these... He's coming off anti-depressants. I don't know what he has to be depressed about.

His dad's fucking rich. Yeah, I know. He's... Dad's an oil tycoon and he drives a Mercedes. I know. Well, that's like... Yeah, please. I wish I had those problems.

And that is... The new X-Men movie is why I am very excited about the X-Men movie. X marks the spot for entertainment. What? You're making X marks in me, spot in me booty. I'm digging into me theater and in the drawers. It's really that Rebecca Romain Stamos in that movie. It's like, ooh, X marks the spot.

I just found some booty. How are we doing? Let's cut to commercial. And we're back. Oh, yeah. We'll back it up and cut. Howdy-ho. Hi.

We are big. Craftsmen. Duncan Trussell. Brennan Walsh. Johnny Pemberton. Ninja. Throw in the stars. You're a mocker.

I have some pretty cool news. We talked about this earlier. Smoking. That's a great Jim Carrey. The mask compression. Callback to when we were talking about... You were talking about Chelsea Lately, how it's important to speak up. And you guys know, but a lot of listeners don't know, is that I've had...

My voice is not as loud as a lot of other comics. I have a decibel, sort of like a limitation. It's like a thing I've had since I was a kid. But I got approval. I mean, you sound like... If someone heard your... Like when you... Probably when you call to pay your bill for Verizon or whatever, they think you're a little

girl. Hey, don't do my joke, okay? But here's the deal. I got approved by the medical insurance guys that I have to... It is funny. I don't mean to stop you. It is funny. I know.

Imagine right now you're like a five-year-old in suspenders and you're... Can you see that? Like if you animated this, it's you and me and he's like a... Guess what? Guess what? I got approved. I'm getting the voice surgery so I can be... I'm going to be raised by 15 decibels, so I'm sure to get on Chelsea with that.

Go as loud as you can right now. As loud as I can? Okay. What should I say? You guys say something? You're the next contestant on the price is right. Okay. Yeah.

You're the next contestant on the price is right. That really hurts actually. See, that's the problem. I can't... How am I going to go up against a Joe Coy on a panel? Here's my impression of Johnny doing that prices right now. That's... I know.

You know what? It's funny, but it's not funny. Let me do it. Okay. Yeah, you do your impression. Here's my impression. You're like a Nat. Speak up!

We can't hear you! You guys are not excited about my voice. You know how there's Ant, the very funny comedian Ant, who's very successful and I owe a lot of my success to Ant? You could be Nat. I don't get it. Like he could be like his name as a comedian could be Nat. Is this water okay to drink?

Has this been here for a while? What's the problem? No, it's fine. That's fine. You could be Nat. No homo. No homo. No homo.

Johnny just drank off my glass. Drank off your glass? I got to tell you guys, it's very important. If you're sending an email and you compliment someone, I do think it's important to put no homo at the end. Oh yeah. The worst case, you know, it's going to make, if they are gay, they'll know that you're not interested in having sex with them, but best case, it's going to make them laugh.

Uh-huh. Yeah, and what, I applaud any comedian who is brave enough to come out of the closet and be a gay comedian. But you shouldn't. I think that's something that should be left for, that shouldn't be your material. It depends on what kind of, I disagree, because that is using your strengths or shortcomings you write what you know. Here's the deal.

So you're a gay person. You write about being gay. I think it would be better for a straight guy to say that he was gay than for a gay guy to say he was gay. There are a couple of guys who do that. Well, that's a great angle. Well, that's a great angle. If you're going to do gay, that's going to be, that's your material.

That's you. Yeah. Well, that's what it is. Exactly. And that's what you got to do. And that's like, I know two straight guys personally who have gay acts, and I tell you, they work nonstop. There are so many gay cruises, and the cruise ship circuit, are the gay cruises called Tom

Cruises? It's called Lighting the Loafers on the Lido Deck. That is a real great one, Duncan. That's when we're talking about a lot of jokes that work in many, many different markets. Get us just celebrity reference. That's a multi-market joke is what I call that. And Tom thinks, this is a system I use when I'm writing jokes, that's a filing system. You can look right over there and see my office as a filing cabinet.

That thing is filled with jokes. Looks like R2D2. More like R2D don't, or something, R don't. I think it's an R2D2. You ready? Make a filing cabinet. I think it's a one diarrhea joke coming right up. Luke, I am your father.

Very funny. Very funny. I am Darth Vader. Hey, is that Obama or Darth Vader? Sometimes I don't even know. You know, because the way that guy speaks, you know. Dude, I never thought of that. Shut up!

Obama and Darth Vader. Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up for two fucking seconds. Dude, this whole flow of this, I don't think we should release this. Pause. Let me just go back to my point. R2D2.

No. No. I mean, it's like a do thing, like do it, not poop. R2D2. Oh yeah. Like a to-do list in the shape of R2D2. I've heard of those. That's a great novelty.

You can just put a stamp. I have a stamp. No. I have a filing cabinet and put in it your jokes based on the markets they appeal to. Oh, that's a great joke. So I have a filing cabinet that has in it market jokes, like single market jokes. Nice. Which is kind of like the, you know, jokes that are going to appeal to Italians.

So there's jokes like all my spaghetti stuff or all my meatball stuff. No, tell me, is this, going back to the 80s, some of my favorite comedians had a lot of material about Italian women and having like hairy armpits and mustaches. I think that's great. But like, you know how PC everything's gotten. And is that still acceptable? Honest question, too. I mean, I know it's funny to bring up, but I honestly don't know.

Is that funny? Doing like a hairy armpit Italian joke is great. Yeah. Italian women having hairy armpits or mustaches. Let me tell you something. I was just at the Hawa Cafe and I saw Green Gallagher do this. Green? Green Gallagher.

Got it. What's that? He's like, you haven't seen him? No. No. He's this hilarious kid, man. He's straight out of UCLA. Black kid?

Yeah. And he's fucking funny, man. But you know, I... African American kid, I mean, guy, man. Right. He is out of this world funny. He is so great. Half black, half Chinese.

He does this incredible job. Oh man. Oh man. So people have all the luck. Geez. That is something else. I'm telling you. He hit the fucking jackpot.

Yeah. Oh, that's a cash cow right there. What is a cash cow? He... If only he was like part Jewish and then, you know, he'd really make it in show business. Basically this. Basically this. Yeah, right?

He's great. Really, really fucking funny. When you hear him do that fucking... My dad's Chinese. My mom's black. I guess that makes me a guy who likes chopsticks at night. I don't even get it, but it's funny. Yeah, I know.

I have seen... Okay. I know you're talking about because he has that whole... It's like his dad is like... Doesn't he have a bit with like his dad is like, Confucius and his mom... Because dad's so confusing. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Because dad says confusing instead of Confucius. Talk about... And his mom has no patience for him or something, right? She's always like, you need to get your Chinese ass out of my fucking kitchen while I cook up grits and collard greens or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see that guy.

Yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is really just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's good. The best place to be. That's a great, fun, fun, outstanding spot. Well, that goes back to the gay thing, is the gay comedian.

If you want to be a gay comedian, there's a lot of opportunity. It's easy. Can we talk a bit about... I don't know. I don't think it's any easier than being any other kind. I mean, I'm kind of the party comedian. It's as easy as saying yes. And there are other parties.

It's as easy as saying yes. To being gay? No thanks. I mean, no offense, but no thanks. Don't come near me. I mean, no offense not to you, because I know you're not gay, but... Yeah. No offense if you're gay and listening.

I'm not gay. Do you guys hear about this guy? I'm not gay. Oh. Duth do protests so much, maybe. No, I'm not gay. Per chance you protest so much, Mikey. I'm not gay.

Oh, shit. My wife will tell you I'm not gay. I'm not not gay. It's my wife. That movie, Noah's Coming Out, which I'm coming out. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. Oh, shit.

My wife will tell you I'm not gay. I'm not gay. My wife. That movie, Noah's Coming Out, which I'm kind of on the fence about. Noah fence. I just wrote that, actually. I think I'm going to punch it up later. Something about bringing two...

Oh, oh, okay, okay. I got it. I got it. Not to step on your premise, but it is a movie coming out, Sony. Yeah, you got to hit us. You got to hit us. I went to go see the movie, Noah, and just ordered a popcorn, a soda, and a Snickers bar. They made me buy two of each.

Bring it into the theater. Bring two of every snack in the theater. Yeah. If I can be serious for a second, Duncan, you're talking about your filing cabinet. Yes. What I do, I just remind you of my system is I have a false wall in my bedroom, and I have a large map in the United States, and I have in that false wall, I have different little filing nooks.

Yeah. So what does it do is I put the jokes in like the state in which I'm going to do that joke and like with the ethnicity color coded. So I just have that in the false wall. So it's like this big, large setup thing. So if I know if I'm going to like crackers in Des Moines, I know I just reach in that little section. Indianapolis.

Yeah. I think it's a good idea, by the way. Right. My filing cabinet is remote controlled, so I can only... That's great. My filing cabinet's remote controlled. I can only operate it from my key chain, and I do that because, you know, a lot of people are worried about someone's going to steal my jokes on stage, but...

How about in life? Yeah, but, you know, a lot of comics, they know where you live. They know if you're a professional comic, you've been keeping your jokes and files. Well, they know when you're out of town. Can you imagine if someone had broken into Carlin's house? Oh. Oh, I wish I was a cat burglar and... You would do that.

No, no. I'm just saying. But that would happen. Well, someone actually broke into Gabrielian Glace's house. And stole his jokes? They tried to. Really? They tried to.

Well, that's easy to catch the culprit, because it'll be known as jokes on stage, right? Well, not if you haven't said that. They should do a law and order about that. They just did one about a rape comedian, which, by the way, law and order, shame on you, because it doesn't make the whole industry of being a stand-up comedian look good. It doesn't show the stand-up comedians in a good light. Shame on you, law and order, for doing that episode about a comedian who goes around raping people, because there's only been...

Vince Champ. There's only been three... Without naming any, there are a handful... It's only happened a handful of times, and you know what? To fictionalize and create a comedian who does that is... That's the shame on you. However, if you're listening and you're involved in a show, law and order, you should do an apology episode and do an episode about a comedian who helps people.

I just ask, Brendan, that we just don't talk about rape on the show. I think that's right. I'm not doing a rape joke. I'm not doing a rape joke. I don't want to talk. But I'm not doing a rape joke. You are, kind of. It's not a rape joke.

You're trying to be funny. No, no, no, no, no. I am not at all. Law and order. Look it up. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, go on the interwebs right now. Go to Google.com. It's not funny.

Stop. It's a real episode. It's not funny. It's a real episode. Stop it. Oh my God. Stop it. You know what?

My stepdad was raped in Vietnam. Guys, this is actually Brendan Duncan. This actually brings up a good point, a serious point here. Even to Brendan, I know you said that you misspoke. He jumped on a man. I mean. We'll let you apologize later. This same book.

So then maybe your dad should have been in the other episode of Law and Order. Can I just finish this for a second to be serious? Was the other man a consenting adult? Can I be serious? I'm just saying. Maybe he's. Can I be serious? He was sick.

He was in a hospital. He was sick to go jump on a man and have your way with him. Yeah. Okay. At least we agree on something. You're Brendan. Dad or whatever. Stepdad, mom, boyfriend.

Pull it out for a second, Duncan. Pull it out. It's not funny. You know what? Do your fucking rape, Jeff. You guys. Enjoy the fucking AV club right now. Okay.

Do your homework. I've got some constructive stuff to bring up here. Okay. So this is from that. Man, we're back. This is from that same old school comedy booker. And this is some stuff. This is some topics and words specifically he says to avoid.

Okay. Take a page from this. Duncan and Brendan. I don't need to take a page from this. I said Duncan just by reference. You know what? I'll take one of those pages and I'll add another number to it. Look, you got to chill out.

Okay. All right. You're being. And don't fucking touch me. Some waitress cut off the coffee please. These are words that he says is best to avoid. I guess if every time I turned on Chelsea and saw my girlfriend. All right.

Yeah. She's on there a lot, isn't she? She's in there every night? Every other night. It seems like. She's like a regular man. I don't know. Well, uh, I just heard.

Brian, make me stressed out. Make me stressed out. I just heard something very unprofessional come out of Brendan's mouth. What? I don't watch Chelsea. I don't watch that. How can you? What is that?

Go back to the words. Are you a comedian? Yeah. Do you watch? Yeah. I go back to, I go to comedy school. What is that? Let's listen to the words.

I'm not no announcer for the craftsman. Hello. My name is Todd and I'm retodd. You should cut his mic before he burns bridges. He's going to burn bridges. You're going to burn. I'm just saying one of the words that you were going to say. You're not going to get booked.

Starring. Starring. I'm stopping. I'm stopping. He's not going to get booked. We're back. And we're back to craftsman. Okay.

So this is just some serious point here. This is still part of that. It's the same. This is my prize list I got from this booker that I'm, you guys are, we're all lucky to be, I'm sharing this stuff. So these are some words that he says are just, you have to avoid these if you want to work the big clubs and you want to get booked at the big clubs. Here's one word for you not to avoid if you're a booker.

You're booked, Brendan Walsh. Brendan. All right. Three. Brendan. Brendan. Four words. Yep.

I'm getting really pissed off. We talked about it. We talked about it. We're back here in the craftsman. Okay. So we left where I had this great list of do's and don'ts for comics that came in this old school booker. Do you help Tammy right?

Old school. This is from an old school book. This guy's booked a lot of clubs. This guy's booked a lot of clubs. Guys, you know I can't be loud enough to talk over. My name's Tammy. I'm Stanley Brendan. Now I'm famous.

Hey. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. You know I saw Tammy with Chris Delia at Canner's. Fuck that.

Fuck it. You motherfucker. Come here. Okay. So these are some words you should avoid using if you want to get booked. Okay. Let me just go through these words. I definitely don't use the word dildo, anal rape, crib death.

Cunt. Cumb-guzzler. Fucking cumb-guzzler. Anything with cumb-guzzler in it is bad. He says land whale, food whore. Land whale. Land whale. Food whore.

Land whale. Land whale. Land whale. Like a fat person. I have a great land whale joke. Land whale. You can say land whale. When I jump off my trampoline, when I'm drinking Kool-Aid at the kids party, I do three black

flips, land on the back. You said three black flips. No. You said black flip. You said black flip. You said black flip. I can rewind it. You shouldn't talk about black fish either.

That's not a good thing to talk about. I said black flip. That's actually a movie that I haven't seen, but I see a lot of people posting about it on Facebook and share them on YouTube. Give me a break. It's a fucking minnow. Minnow. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. It's a big minnow. Yeah. It's swimming around. Hey. Are you going to get upset because a fucking minnow's mad? Is it a fish or is it not a fish? Oh, my tuna's angry.

Listen, listen. Hey, asshole, don't eat fish if you're mad at SeaWorld. I have two personas, and one is my onstage persona, and one is my offstage persona, and my Facebook persona, where it's like a lot of people, and I re-blog a lot of things that people post and blog, and I'm totally, I'm behind the SeaWorld, whatever the black fish thing. Yeah, drunk at the wheel. I know people are worked up about it.

Drunk at the wheel. What are you talking about? You're drunk at the wheel. Yeah, he's asleep at the wheel, drunk at the desk, because that's the Vernon Walsh album. Just sleep at the wheel. Drunk at work. Let me tell you, I hope you're not like your fireman dad, because 10 a.m. still drunk. DUI in the firetruck.

What are the rest of the words? I hope your dad never went through a fucking, I hope your dad never went through a DUI checkpoint in the firetruck. What are the words? Those are the words. Those are the words that would be bad, cunt. Cumb-guzzler. Cuck-guzzler.

Crib death. Anal rape. Fucking cumb-guzzler. Dildo shit. Let's wrap it up, man. Yeah, those are just words to avoid if you want to get blocked. Thank you, everyone. Headshots.

Make sure, you know, a paper airplane headshot. Don't say headshots on the staff. You're moving on now. Because I would sell headshots at the show. So what do we do? What's the idea, Brendan? We keep you, like, are we supposed to, like, tie you down? So what?

I had a couple drinks. Fucking sue me. Who gives a shit? It doesn't matter. You're just like a dick right now. I'm not a dick. I don't know what the opposite of the crap is. My name is Duncan Trussell.

This was a craftsman, and it turns into, like, oh, that's fucking me. My name is Duncan Trussell at Duncan Trussell. At Duncan Trussell on Twitter. At Johnny Pemberton on Twitter. J-O-H-N-N-Y-P-N-K-E-R-T-O-N. Twisting the wind on Fair Audio. Check it out. It's a great...

You can see me on Chelsea this Sunday alongside Jokeboy. I'm not going to sign the consent form to release this. And I will be in an upcoming drunk history, and... It's true. I'm not going to sign it. I'm very excited about that. Brendan Walsh. You can see me on Funniest Hell HBO Canada this Friday.

I'm not signing the fucking release, so you can just stop talking. Subscribe to the podcast. On iTunes. It gives us a great rating. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks so much. Johnny Pemberton at Johnny Pemberton on Twitter.

I want to do a plug still. If you guys are fucking still going to do... I'm doing a plug. Do your plug. This is so uncrafted in my life. All right, fine. I'll fucking do it. You know, I have a voice problem.

You know that. I'm on Twitter, BrendanComic, at BrendanComic on Twitter. Come Guzzler. Come Guzzler. Come Guzzler. What's that? Are you guys not done with your plugs? Is that your Twitter?

Are you guys working at the Come Guzzler Festival of Figures? Because you're both fucking faggots, and you fucking suck dicks all the time. Come Guzzler. This isn't coming out anyway, because I'm not going to sign the fucking release. You fucking asshole. Brendan Walsh. Come Guzzler. What's your fucking...

What's the little faggot who puts this podcast out? Backslash. Up your butt. Brendan Walsh, for real, my plugs is... Hair. April. Oh! That's an audience.

That's a one. That's what I call the ninja star. Because you don't see it coming, but it slices deep. I don't have anything else to say, so... Come Guzzler. YouTube. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. I'm gay.

I'm Brendan. YouTube.com slash... Okay. Come Guzzler. And watch Tammy Z on Chelsea Lately. Okay, now there is something else. I, since I didn't, I'm not going to sign a release, and I do not give permission for this episode of the assholes, the craftsmen, just for legal purposes.

You're drunk. Number one, I'm not drunk. You're a hammer. Number two, I don't, I verbally give my non-consent for the previously recorded material to be released online or in any other capacity. Brendan Walsh. Thank you. I live in a sublet.

My name is Brendan Walsh. My girlfriend's... Fuck this living in a sublet. Come Guzzler. What the fuck does living in a sublet have to do with anything? Well, why would you say it? Ooh. Come Guzzler.

Ooh. Come Guzzler. My name's Johnny. My name's Chris Delia. I'm at Canter's with Tammy. Oh yeah, Chris Delia. He's great. Watch his Comedy Central special or whatever.

Fuck you. And he's dating your ex-girlfriend. The fucking... I don't know who he's dating. Here's a... I don't pay attention to that. Pro tip. Gotta go out to eat after shows.

Why are you still talking to the microphone? Pro tip. We'll definitely cut this out, man. Pro tip. Here's a pro tip. Shut up. Duncan Trussell at Twitter. Johnny Pemberton at Come Guzzlers.