Dungeons and Daddies - At the Mountains of Dadness Ch. 1 - Casting Call of Cthulhu

Episode Date: December 25, 2019

Happy Honda Days! This is the first chapter of a three part miniseries we recorded for a Patreon stretch goal following the granddads of Darryl, Henry, Glenn, and Ron as they investigate a missing film crew in 1939, played in the Call of Cthulhu system.You can hear the rest by either becoming a Patreon supporter at any level, or heading to dungeonsanddaddies.com and buying the digital download!This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, and body horror.Support the show on Patreon!Peep that merch at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddadsJoin our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchRobert Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Hildy Russet is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Stud Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Meryl Streep is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Basically, all the good stuff. That was a My Dad Wrote a Porno reference. Anyways, content warnings can be found in the episode description. What you're about to hear is part one of a three-part series called At the Mountains of Dadness, which was a stretch goal we did for our Patreon supporters. It's a prequel campaign played in the Call of Cthulhu system set in the year 1939 following the grandparents of Daryl, Henry, Glenn, and Ron.

If you want to hear the rest of this series, there's two ways you can do it. The easiest is to become a Patreon supporter at any level, and depending on where you come in, you can get access to a rich backlog of behind the scenes content our post-recording after show called talking dad exclusive one shots uncut episodes dm notes we put a ton of effort into our patreon bonuses and you can support the show and check them out at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads if you can't commit to the patreon we get it the other way is to head to our store at dungeonsanddaddies.com or ron.business where you can find all three parts of At the Mountains of Dadness available for sale as a digital download.

Either way, thank you for supporting us with your listenership or following our social media accounts at Dungeons and Dads on Twitter or bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads on Facebook or just sharing the podcast with your friends. Thank you all for a wild first year. Happy Honda Days and we will see you again January 8th, 2020. That's when the next episode is coming out.

Chapter 1, Casting Call of Cthulhu. Welcome to At the Mountains of Dadness, a Dungeons & Daddies prequel miniseries where we follow the grandparents of the main dads from the Dungeons & Daddies podcast as you deal with a bunch of Cthulhu-ass bullshit. My name is Anthony Burch and I am your keeper. My name is Freddie Wong. I play, not Glenn Close, but in fact, Meryl Streep, a similarly named star, actor, stage and screen of the silent has made it a little bit more difficult to find roles but was once a big deal and still carries himself as such based loosely off of a Japanese actor around the turn of the century by the name of Sasui Hayakawa who was also a heartthrob and Meryl Streep is the grandfather on the mom's side of Glenn Close oh Very cool. What was the first movie that

Meryl Streep starred in? Kramer vs. Kramer. It was a story about a Japanese ad exec trying to get custody of his kid back, fighting the American legal system. He's a real underdog in that fucking movie. Huge underdog in this case. My name is Matthew Arnold. I'm playing Robert Wilson, the grandfather of Daryl

Wilson on his father's side, and Robert or Robbie is uh or rob is those are all the various versions of robert got them all don't forget bob and bob and bob he does not like bob that's not even a dad fact that's a free dad fact just don't know there he hates bob he is a cowardly line producer who deep down wishes he was a stuntman because his dad was a war hero so he wishes he could be as cool as him and a little dad fact is that he owns three cats um he he is by the way have a steady a little dad fact is that he owns three cats. He is, by the way, have a steady girlfriend, but despite that,

he still also has three cats. That's all. What are the names of the cats? They are Bob, Robert, and Robbie. Oh my gosh. That's economical storytelling. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and all the ships at sea. I'm Will Campos. Nah, 1930s mode.

And I'm playing Hildy Russetet roving cub reporter for the sandemus defender aka sally stipe her undercover alias when she's operating as a makeup artist on blue planet so hildy is the grandmother of henry oak on his dad's side we'll say and uh dad dad fact grandma fact about hildy is that her favorite musician is the crooner louis prima her favorite louis prima song she loves stardust she goes absolutely crazy for long about midnight really the early prima era when he had jack ryan on bass garrett mcadams on guitar like that was the really quality era of louis prima so that's what she likes that's what she listens to in her spare time when she's not digging up scoops. Hello, my name is Beth May and I play Stuart, a.k.a. Stud Stampler.

Stud is an aspiring actor, dancer and singer seeking stardom on Broadway, brought to San Dimas by the death of his alcoholic brother, Carl. Now tasked with raising his nephew, Willie, as his own son, Stud has given up his dream for a more practical career, doing construction work. But Stud, always in awe of the silver screen and the adventures it depicts, compromised by working at father's own films, where he could be close to the excitement he so longed for in his showbiz days. So actually, Stud is technically Ron Stampler's biological great uncle, but is, for all intents and purposes, his grandfather on his dad's side.

Okay. Fun great uncle fact about stud Sampler is that he does not have polio. A rarity in these ages. Before we begin, there's just some stuff that you should probably know to better enjoy what the heck it is we're doing because we're using the Call of Cthulhu system

and not Dungeons and Dragons. dragons first of all thank you to tin bromide tpk thulu and scam likely from our discord for helping me out with prepping this game because i've never dm'd call of cthulhu before and they gave me a lot of help also just keep in mind that there's gonna this is your content warning because it's a horror game there's gonna be some like creepy body horror stuff there's probably gonna be some violence nothing sexual anything if that's something that you're worried about, but it could get a little rough, a little gross. Like more so than we usually do.

Yeah, like... Uh-oh. Okay. The library, the shit with the library with the hand coming off, it's gonna be stuff like in that vein, but slightly less funny. Nice.

But yeah, and also like, obviously it's Lovecraft and he was a piece of shit. So just so you know, the entire idea of this system is inherently problematic and stupid and we're just going to kind of like go and just do it anyway uh the idea that you can lose a bunch of sanity and then become a useless society makes no sense at all but whatever okay so the way that this game works is when you hear our players make rolls unlike dnd they don't want to roll high the idea is that you have high stats on your character sheet but you roll d100 and you want to roll under the stat that you were trying to get to.

So just so you know, if people get a low roll and then start being happy, that's why. Or is that we're going insane? The other thing is insanity. Every character has a certain number of sanity points. And by seeing horrifying things or things that expand beyond the limits of human consciousness, they will lose sanity points, which can lead to temporary madness and all these things. The basic idea is that if they ever lose all their sanity, they are out of the game. It is the same as being dead. And unlike Dungeon Daddies, currently there are no training wheels on. So any or all of these characters could die.

It's a fucking fair game. And with that, welcome to At the Mountains of Dadness, Chapter 1, Casting Call of Cthulhu. We open and we're in a verdant green field with flora and fauna that seems so unlike our own. The kind that like bends your mind and expands your consciousness. And a bipedal creature, very much like a human, but far, far taller and more beautiful in a way, and yet also more more beautiful in a way and yet also more horrifying approaches a pretty generic looking white dude so the white guy goes like oh wow tell me about this this world what is what is this where am i mr jacob sullivan you're like a

baby you sorry this is can we this is! The stilts are killing me here. A bunch of crew people walk around in Hustling and Bustling, and if this were a movie, you'd see a title on the bottom that says, San Dimas, California, 1939. The director comes up to you and goes, what was the problem with that?

What was wrong? I've worn all kinds of crazy costumes for my films, but nothing as ridiculous as this. That's... I... You... Look. I've played all manner of beasts and all manner of's, I, you, look. I've played all manner of beasts

and all manner of villains, vampires, monsters, but this, this dreck, this is beneath me. This is ridiculous. This blue makeup all over me. I can't even, my skin, someone, I need, bring the makeup in. Excuse me, excuse me. And then plucky 23-year-old Sally Stipe

rushes up to the scene with a big bucket of blue paint and dabs a cotton swab in it. I'm sorry, Mr. Merrill, sir. I just hear you're getting so flush and angry and your blue makeup's running off. So I'm just going to dab this on. Do we have to do the blue makeup? Is this part of the thing? I don't understand.

For the hundredth time, yes, the director says, even though we are shooting in black and white, they will be able to tell, even if they can't really tell, that the aliens are blue. It's going to be great if you would just trust me and stop talking about how you're better than this project. I find it very insulting. Excuse me. Hi. Excuse me. Oh, my God. What? So Robert Wilson walks up. He's a he's a little nervous line producer kind of hunched over holding a clipboard. Just so you know, that's the last bucket of blue paint I can I can afford. So, you know, not I'm not telling you how to do your job, but we should probably is this seem good? Are we good to move on? The director throws down his beret and says, you know what? That's break.

And he just storms off. No, we can't break. This bucket of blue paint is not going to get through all 100 extras we have to get through. This is about three people worth of blue paint here. So what do you need? Do you need me to get some water? This isn't really. What's your name?

My name is Sally Stipe. Yeah, that's it. Sally Stipe. That's my name. And uh sure i'm i'm the makeup girl listen sally let me cut you a deal here how about you put that away maybe spill it somewhere and we just do the rest of it because uh these these idiots here don't know what they're doing this isn't excuse me excuse me sally um i was wondering if we could use some of that blue paint for the set uh my name's uh stewart.k.a. Stud Stampler.

Are we just allowing anybody to come up to talk to the actors at this point? Hey, I got just as much right to be here as you, buddy. I'm an actor myself, sort of. Oh, boy. Well, I want to be. Yeah, there it is. I got dreams, buddy. Stud?

Stud? Is that your name? Yeah. Nice to meet you. Slip Me 5 here. My name's Robbie. You can call me Robbie. Hey, buddy. Uh, Stud? Stud? Is that your name? Yeah. Nice to meet you. Slip me five here. My name's Robbie. You can call me Robbie. Hey, Robbie.

As he says, slip me five, he holds out his hand for a handshake because that's the slang for give me a handshake. Hey, um, what set are you talking about? Um, well, uh, there's not a set right now, but I'm a, I'm a good builder. I'm a construction worker. Meryl's at the, uh, craft services table in the background. Just like olives and, um, saltines. You call this craft services table in the background, just like, olives and saltines? You call this craft services?

What is this malarkey? Yeah, you see that craft services table? I built that. I built that with my bare hands. As you're all talking amongst yourselves, you hear the telltale trump of boots that signals the arrival of the studio head of Father's Own Studio,

which is the film studio they work at. Father's Own Studio? Father's Own Studio. You see the familiar and constantly furrowed brow of R.L. Stine, S-T-E-I-N, walking onto set. And he goes, stop production, stop production. This is, this is,

are you guys still playing your stupid make-believe games? Thank goodness, finally, someone is going to take us out of this two-bit production and get me shut up i was gonna say something racist but no we're not doing that it's gonna be it's gonna be very tempting for characters to be racist in this but no we shouldn't do that all right who's in charge here where's the director and he points at the line producer oh hi uh uh pleasure to see you here sir i'm glad you came down uh the director i think he went off uh sally did you see where the director went? I think he ran off to his trailer

shouting something racist that I'm not going to repeat. That sounds just like him. Yeah. You know what? Fuck it. It doesn't matter. Or fart it. It doesn't matter. I don't know how people cursed in the 1930s. Ah, beans! Beans. Ah, beans it. People said fuck. Yeah. I would actually appreciate if you didn't curse around me.

It goes, okay. He just arbitrarily looks around and points at each one of curse around me. It goes, okay. He just arbitrarily looks around and points at each one of you in turn. He goes, you, you, you, and you. I need you for a job. Of course. Anything you want, sir. Take a walk with me. And you start walking through Father's Own Studios,

which for all of its glitz and glamour is clearly millimeters away from utter bankruptcy. Trying so very hard to reach the heights of RKO Pictures and the other great picture studios around the town. It's a shoestring operation for sure. R.L. Stine has been for the last five, ten years basically trying to make it Hollywood II, East Hollywood. As he leads you out, he walks you past the soundstage where they were shooting the number one picture that the studio was hoping to make a really big hit, The Heart's Greatest Desire. And he points at the empty soundstage. He goes,

you see that that's where we're supposed to be shooting in the real shit. Not the Namby Pamby blue planet guys having sex with a hair woman. That gibberish you, you guys are doing. We're not doing that. Finally, someone who sees eye to eye with me. So the director,

he's sort of, and he leans in and like sort of huddles you in and what would be a dad huddle if he were a dad, but he's not. And he goes, uh, the director's gone missing along with the star and more importantly, the film. The most recent cut of the film is just gone. And what I need you to do.

Is remake it. No. Okay. Because you'd be bad at it. I need you to go and I need you to bring it back here. Because otherwise, the studio is kaput. Your careers are fucked. And do not let anyone else know about it.

The last time he went missing, there were some slight prostitute murders. So I just need you to keep it under your hat. Prostitution and murder sounds like we should call the cops. I can do that for you right now. If you do not call the cops, if the cops get called, then they'll arrest him and then we won't get the film back. I need you to go get it and bring it back to me without letting anybody know. Do you realize the PR disaster would be? It certainly would be a PR disaster.

It would be a sensational story, the likes of which no one has ever seen. And the intrepid reporter who caught the scoop, why, he'd be able to write his own meal ticket, I bet. That's a fair assessment, yeah. You just want us to preserve the magic of the movie. Make it real again, you know? He puts a hand on your shoulder and he goes, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. Mr. Stein, can I have a side with you, Mr. Stein? Just over here, three feet away.

Yeah, and he just doesn't move. I stand slightly farther away from him. Just like shouting. It's just raised voices. I look at everyone else. I'm like, hey, guys, scram a little bit. I'm going to stay right here. I'm six feet back.

Is it enough? I can go farther. Sally's like, I'll be right over there if you need me, boys. While everyone's not looking, she tries to hide in a nearby bush. So this picture that they were shooting. This was Greatest Desire. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's say we do a little thing here i call in some

favors we sniff around for your director friend um yeah i hear you guys were recasting the villain there was no plans to i hear you guys we're doing a little recasting the little quid pro quos do you to quote the ancient chinese that That's Latin, my friend. Same thing. It's so tempting to be racist. I know, it is, right? So listen, as you know, star of the silent era, Meryl Streep here. I'm looking for a... Oh yeah, you were the sexually charged villain in that detective picture. Yes.

Well, you know. My wife had some feelings about you that I had to stamp down, but quick. She wasn't the only one, let me tell you. So, let me just cut straight to the chase. I just want to say I had those feelings too. I'm going to step back now. Let me just cut straight to the chase. He says, ignoring the plucky carpenter. I'll call in some favors with some of my friends in town. Dig up your erstwhile director here. And how about you say in return, you give me a part in this picture. I say say I'll get you an audition. I'd like to intimidate you. Yeah, go ahead. So you're going to roll D100 and try to roll under whatever your intimidation stat

is. What is your intimidation stat? This is what's insane. It's like, okay, intimidation, intimidation, dodge, drive automobile, electrical repair. I have a 40 on intimidation because I figure I have a lot of like old Hollywood contacts, even though they may not necessarily call me back. I'm going to use those. I'm like, see, I know Mr. Selznick. So I'm saying, how about you just get me that role? 88. That's a far above by 40. And he goes, yeah, absolutely. And he gives you he gives you what you have come to become accustomed to as a polite dismissal and lie. You've probably been lied to enough in this town being a handsome Asian man in an industry propagated primarily by white dudes to know when you're being lied to.

Yeah, I got a good sense of that. I sigh and I step back. All right, well, we'll look for this guy. I figure a favor owed anywhere is worth something. That's fair. He walks you back to the rest of the fools. I don't mean to be a problem, but just to clarify, is worth something. That's fair. He walks you back to the rest of the fools. Three steps. Wait, just a,

just a, I don't mean to be a problem, but just to clarify, the four of us, we have this actor that clearly does not want to do this, and this gentleman I just met, who I'm not sure works here or not,

do you work here? I don't have you on. You talking to me? Yeah. Well, I want, I want to work here. I just moved in. I'm looking for jobs and i i figure i'm good with my hands i'm i'm a handy man like i could do anything on this set you you need a water i can get a water yes get me a water okay i'll be back um do you

know where any water is excuse me hey anybody got a water over here it's real important what was your dumb question what was the dumb thing you were going to say? Are we the best ones to do this? I run back with the water. Oh, my God. That's not water. Oh. That's coffee.

Oh, I'll be right back. He says, look, I'm not going to pretend that you're the only group of people I have looking for this guy. I hired a private detective. He hasn't come back. So I feel like I need to send people that I don't care about so much. High quality H2O right here. It's for everybody. Everybody can drink out of this bottle.

We don't believe in germs anymore. Your hands are full of whipped cream. Right back. Listen, fellas, I can see what's going on here. He saw a star like myself with the connections that I have all around town. He figured we were probably the best bet. And you folks are my lackeys coming along here. You numbers, pencils. What's your name again? Robert.

Ravi. Pencils. I like pencils. And you? There were three of you. What happened? I might overhear gentlemen. And then you hear a voice come from a bush nearby. It's me, Sally Stipe, the makeup girl. That bush is talking. I pop out of the bush. Through my many adventures, I know a thing or two about disguises and hiding

in places, and I think I'd be just the ticket for this kind of job. He probably thought that I could use a makeup person at any point if I needed to slip into a disguise and surreptitiously listen in on conversations. That makes sense. Stein says, you know what? Let's go with that. Yeah, you're the face. He's the makeup. And then you get water. And then the other one is- I've got it.

I've got the water. I confirm with three different people that this is water. I love that there's still like Ron Stampler energy that still comes through in this. How did you bring the- Is it in a cup? Did they have bottled water back then? No, they didn't.

Oh yeah, it's definitely in a cup. I just take the cup of water and I just gulp it down. I'm very nervous. There you go, sir. Mr. Stein? Yes. Can I talk to you for one second? Yes. Can you step aside a little bit? No, just talk to me now. Why does everybody need any... I don't care about any of you enough to give you the slightest

amount of respect. Just give me what? Okay, if you gentlemen, this is a business conversation. If you could just turn around for a second. Absolutely. Hey, Mr. Street, I just want to show you something real conversation. If you could just turn around for a second. Absolutely. Hey, Mr. Street, I just want to show you something real quick. I've been working on that grimace, that sexy sort of smolder that you got going. Look at my face right now. Do you like it?

I think I could be a big star like you someday. I put a hand gently on his shoulder. I'm like, why don't you fetch me some more water? Absolutely, sir. Of course. I'll even get it in a cup for you. like, why don't you fetch me some more water? Absolutely, sir. Of course. I'll even get it in a cup for you. Yeah. Why don't you skedaddle? So Sally, if you want to listen in on whatever is going to be said, you can roll your listen

skill. Actually, I am going to run to the nearest payphone. Oh, great. Okay. And so I pop in a nickel. That's like $5,000, right? You take a mortgage out on your house to get a quarter. Hello, operator.

Yes. Get me the San Dimas Defender, please. Connecting you. You hear a grizzled voice that you know to be that of your editor. Pick up the phone and go, yeah, what do you want? Julian, it's Hildy. Hildy. I'm undercover on the Father's Own Picture set, and I've got a sensational scoop for you.

You promised me a scoop weeks ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take this down. Father's Own Pictures, newest hit film, Heart's Greatest Desire, entire crew goes missing. Rogue team of washed up actors,

wannabe actors, and anxious film producer go to find crew. I'll be tagging along undercover as Sally Stipe, my alias incognito. I need something more. I need to know why they were

Well, horse feathers. Hold your dang horses. I'm on the scoop. I'm on the beat. I'm going to get it for you know why they were- Well, horse feathers. Hold your dang horses. I'm on the scoop. I'm on the beat. I'm going to get it for you. Just you wait and see. This is going to be way better than my last 10 stories that you didn't publish.

I'm not holding the presses for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm holding my breath. Go eat your eggs, Julian. No, I will. And then I hang up. All right. Holy shit. Well, good job.

So what conversation is- Sir, I can't- You know I've been working for you for 11 years now. Have you? Yeah for 11 years now have you yeah 11 years um i came here as a young line producer and 11 years later i'm still your young line producer you're just so good at it i guess so look uh it's very clear i've worked with you long enough to know that if we don't do this we're gonna be fired correct you know usually this should definitely be a hazard pay but i'll tell you what i'll cut you a deal you're trying to make deals with me well yeah otherwise you would have to i mean you don't want me to go to you know you owe us hazard pay oh are you trying

to extort me my friend no no so just listen for one second i was just thinking if if this movie does continue i would love to you know i don't want to be an actor or anything but you know i'm pretty good at you know i can take a hit or two. And there's a pretty big stunt that happens in the movie. There's a guy that when they walk past at the restaurant scene, they push him and he stumbles backwards. I was thinking I could be that guy. Right into a trolley. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He just stumbles backwards and he like puts his hand on the table.

So give me roll either persuade or intimidate because it sounded like you were threatening to maybe tell people about i'll do intimidate because that's a 15 instead of my persuade which is 10 wait that's a 20 that's oh that's that's close but no cigar and he goes i understand so you said you could have taken hits huh and he socks you in the gut and uh that's gonna do uh 1d2 of damage so he only does one damage to you and he goes i didn't get to be the head of father's own studios in san dieas california by caving into threats i understand that didn't hurt me because like i said i'm very very strong but uh yeah actually his hand hurts because fuck but it did intimidate me so um i just hope you'll take into consideration if we do do the job correctly and we don't need to worry about the hazard pay yeah and maybe maybe you'll take into consideration

that i got another fist that isn't broken. Stop ignoring me. What? Where I come from, they do hit people in New York. Hey, buddy. That's where they invented it. I want to hit him. You want to hit R.L. Stine? Yeah.

Okay, roll your fighting brawl. I got 26, and I have a fighting brawl of 30. 30, okay, so you're going to roll. Let me see how much damage you do. Unarmed strike is 1d3 plus a damage bonus, which should be zero brawl of 30. 30. Okay, so you're going to roll. Let me see how much damage you do. Unarmed strike is 1d3 plus a damage bonus, which should be zero for all of us. So two. Where do you hit him?

How do you hit him? I hit him right in the mouth. Oh, my God. You hit him straight in the fucking mouth, and it breaks his front two teeth. And he goes, and he's so surprised he swallows them on accident. Oh, my God. And he goes, that's it. You are fired surprised he swallows them on accident. Oh my God.

That's it. You are fired. All of you are fired. Get the fuck off of my set. I'm tired of people like you always picking on little guys, people that, but that didn't do anybody no harm. And then you, you lift up people who, who don't care about nobody, but the silver screen, this, this industry, it's about dreams. green this this industry it's about dreams man in an action that is very reminiscent of dungeons and daddies i try and shush the stampler and like uh don't worry about that we'll we'll get you your folks we'll get you these folks back he's already waving over security guys just to clarify she's she doesn't uh he doesn't work here and also i have first aid so i'm gonna try to instantly like

help his mouth i've never met this person before in my life. I got an 11. I'm 65, so that was a powerful success. That's a very good deal. Okay, so yeah. So you managed to stop the bleeding. You can't get his teeth back because he swallowed them. He goes, oh, and then he realizes how mad he is, and he fucking swats you away.

He goes, get the fuck out of here. I don't want to fucking see any of you people unless you got the goddamn film reality. I especially don't want to see you pointing at stud saying, I don't want to see you again no matter what fucking what. Get the fuck out. I'll forward you. The next time you at stud saying, I don't want to see you again no matter what fucking what. Get the fuck out. All four of you. The next time you'll see me, buddy, it'll be on the big screen.

God. So wait, sir, if we save the film, we get rehired? I don't know. We'll fucking see what kind of goddamn mood I'm in. Rehired and I can do

that little stunt piece? Get the fucking, fucking go. All right, you know what? We will go find this other picture team and you know why? Because it's the right thing to do.

His assistant comes by and like goes, guys, guys, over here, over here, and waves you over. That shiner you gave him, wow. I've been wanting to do that my whole life. Well done, you. You'll probably never work in this town ever again, but it was fun for me.

So here's the thing. I think if you actually do go get the film back and can get the crew, he might rehire you. I don't know. So there was a couple of places he was probably going to tell you until you punched him

where you might want to check out for clues. This is a game about following clues. So there are three locations. There's the director's apartment and then there's a PI's office. We don't know where he is. Also, you could go to the editing suite where the early draft of the film is getting cut together. The editor there was working pretty closely with the director, but we haven't heard from her either. What about hitting the streets, you know, asking the people if they've seen anything suspicious. You could do that. It would be really kind of going against the whole, like, don't let people on to what's

going on. That's true. Stud, we want to keep this under our hats for right now. Absolutely. On the QT. Yeah. Very hush hush. Yeah.

Exactly. Everybody is like, you can feel it in this room. Everyone's trawling through. It's like, L.A. Confidential. L.A. Confidential. Quickly, all the 40s movies I've seen.

Sally seems to have like a knack for this sort of thing. Hey, by the way, my fiance's name is Sally. Oh, that's terrific. What a small rinky-dink world we live in. Well, not exactly, fiance. I'm planning on it at any time now, though. Oh, well, you make sure to speak your peace to her. Y'all want to see the ring right now? Yeah, absolutely, man. When you gonna drop the question?

Maybe after this. What's your name, assistant? My name is Dean Kuntz. Dean Kuntz? Dean Kuntz here. D-E-N-T-O-N-T-S. Dean Kuntz here helped me pick it out. What do you guys think? I hold out the ring.

Oh, that's lovely. Man, she's so lucky to have a guy like you. Oh, thank you. Say, that's a whopper of a handcuff. You got quite a knack for flinging woo. I hope she't give you the air i agree with everything you just said sorry is that just a page in that book all right confession time everyone else has their character sheets up and i have dew droppers waldos and slackers decade by decade guide to the vanishing vocabulary of the 20th century this is from their section on 30 slang and it's on the section about romance. So, a handcuff

is an engagement ring. To give the air... That's dark. That's dark. Literally, in Spanish, esposa means spouse and handcuff. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flinging woo, of course. I think we all know what that means. And to give the air is to reject a marriage proposal. Wow. This has been 30 Slang Corner with Sally Stipe

slash Hildy Russell. Hey, Stud, that's your name, right? Yeah, it's my name. I just want to say thanks a lot for defending me back there. Of course, man. Nobody should be picked on like a bully like that. Everybody got dreams, man. What's yours, Dream? In New York, I wanted to be a

big star on the stage. I've been tap dancing since I was little, but then my brother Carl, well, he got sick. Actually, he made himself sick. Years of drinking, you know, he really loved that bottle. Got a bottle down his throat every night, so to speak. He actually passed away.

So now these Broadway stars come into California. I'd love to be a star here, but right now I'm focused on raising my nephew, Willie. I look up and down stuff to see kind of like how much i look like him what's your size i'm huge and very hot no no no beth your character um yes okay my character is small and very ugly i'm i'm size 60 okay yeah i'm size 40 and i'm as ugly as you can make it so i look up and down i go you go you know me and you we look pretty down. I go, you know what, me and you, we look pretty similar. And I think we make a good team. And I'm a line producer.

It's not what I'm always going to do. I want to be a stunt guy at some point. Maybe I could be your stunt man. Absolutely, man. I mean, I like doing stunts myself. That's why I knocked the snot out of that other guy. Yeah, that was great. Usually, you would do the back, and then I would actually do the punch.

But that was really good. OK, well, I mean, but that was really good. Okay. Well, I mean, we'll talk about it, man. Sometimes Willie, you know, my nephew,

then I guess I should call him a kid. I mean, I like a son to me now. Cause I'm raising him. I don't know. Sometimes he does stuff that I don't agree with, like killing cats or something like that. And I have to say,

I have to say like, Hey Willie, we'll talk about this later. And sometimes it means that we'll have an argument, but other times it means that we're just going to try to be friends. You know, Sally has been talking about having a kid. I'm not so sure. Maybe we should talk about that later and sometimes it means that we'll have an argument but other times it means that we're just going to try to be friends. You know Sally's been talking about having a kid and I'm not so sure. Maybe we should talk about that too. Boys, if you're done gabber blabbing

we've got a case to get to and we've got a big old reel of film to find. I tell you we can't sit around here all day smoking them dingbat doobies. We got to get on this. I too have a list of slang and it's all weed slang baby. Where do you think we should head to Sally? Where too have a list of slang and it's all weed slang baby where do you think we should head to where do you want to go i'm not accustomed to

asking women their opinions but you can also go to the anywhere you want basically you can go to the library or whatever those are just the three that i have suggested the oh there's a library the way that any call could do the mystery works is you can hypothetically do whatever the fuck you want to try to solve mysteries which is why you have a library use skill but it's up to you what you want to do i don't know if the library will help us know where the director went at this moment now if you ask me we should head down to musso and franks and have a word with some of the other directors there why that's a three-hour drive from san dimas i you know it's worth it we might just get there in time for lunch but i think we should be asking the scuttlebutt uh around town amongst the other directors and the other hollywood

types but um but we still gotta keep a very hush hush i propose we start our search at the director's house yeah i guess yeah why not hey dean arl stein you know he says on this job he said that we were gonna have a nice per diem he was saying about 500 per diem and don't worry i'm gonna record it all i want to make sure that we have everything oh he said that that sounds great yeah yeah so can uh that's your great yeah yeah so once you roll persuade if i was like a million dollars in 1939 right good old inflation calculator 500 bucks in 1939 and this year i want to invite the audience at home to guess in your head what you think 500 in 1930s and then click 15 seconds forward on whatever podcast app you're listening to and split yourselves robert always tries to do things but he has absolutely no persuasion nine

thousand dollars nine thousand two hundred dollars a day no no i was just i wrote i rolled a 72 and my persuasion is 10 oh he goes oh absolutely not okay okay well hey that's the operating budget for the year i understand it was worth a try team i'm gonna go ahead i'll keep the receipts and i'll break everything up that way we can all split this up four ways um you know i don't know whose car we're gonna use but you know don't worry about it i just want to make sure that none of us feel you know like we've been you know screwed over or anything like that so whose car are we taking not mine my car has terrible. I don't have a car. But I thought you were a stunt driver, man.

Well, I suppose we could take mine. My driver is sick. He's away checking on his family. But I got a Duesenberg. They've got a bullet-riddled death car that's on set in the garage for All Angels Die Suddenly, the new gangster picture. So maybe we could take that and no one has to waste their gas.

Well, hey, I got a cool cap that I could put on my head and look like a driver. So let me hop behind the wheel. You go to the car for All Angels Die Suddenly, which is completely bullet riddled and one of the tires is steadily losing air. But Dean Koontz goes,

oh, that's great. Then we can write it off. Fantastic. Okay, so you're going to drive to the director's apartment? Yeah, I fucking floor it. When you arrive at the director's apartment, you can see that the door is wide open. And before you even enter the apartment,

you can smell very bad things. You smell every manner of bodily fluid imaginable. And stepping inside, it looks like somebody has smashed this place to fuck. Not to have sex, like smashed it. Smashed it to hell and back. Yo, girl, I wanna fuck,, but first we got to smash. They fucked this place up to smash.

Many awards that he's won are in pieces on the ground. You smell pee everywhere. There's this like crusty brown substance on his rewards. I just want to say that Robert is nose blind. Sorry, one more time? Robert's nose blind. He doesn't have like any smell. He needs Febreze.

My God. You know, in case it matters later, he doesn't have like any smell he needs for breeze my god i just want you know in case it matters later he doesn't have a sense of smell i always thought you lacked common sense all right everyone uh take a d2 of sanity loss for dad jokes what do i get for my bad joke oh nothing this game is about tragedy and slow decay into nothingness so there are a bunch of uh crumpled up notes everywhere and stuff so if you want to try to find something more specific you can roll a spot hidden skill i'm gonna do spot hidden as well i'm awful at this i rolled an 81 out of 25 so i don my white gloves and just pretend to look like i'm looking for things but i'm not really getting my hands dirty i also rolled bad. I also rolled bad. Okay, I rolled a five. Okay, great. So that's an incredible roll.

Actually, that's a critical success, I believe. Nice. All right. So you find his journal buried beneath a pile of half-written screenplays that have been scribbled out and ripped up and shit like that. But beneath them, you can find his leather-bound journal. And inside the journal, the handwriting is very bad and scraggly, but you can make out that it says,

New finale underlined several times. Current finale is not working. I need to film it where the oaks grow tall, and he's underlined that a couple times. Beneath that, another journal entry saying this lead actor is and then clearly a smear of his own shit. And then beneath that, need auditions. Can film auditions in California

unlike finale. Because you roll an extreme success, you also see stuck to the back of the journal by horrible bodily fluids a card from a taxi service. It's from Yellow King Cabs. Gentlemen, get a load of this. Gather round. Oh, my God.

There's a lot of poo. They need a new lead actor. I'm standing at the door. I'm like, this doesn't look very sanitary in there. What do you got there, Sally? It seems to me that this director really blew his wig just from the state of this place. I mean, look, there's poop all over the place. There's all sorts of crumpled notes and whatnot.

And it seems here in his journal that he was planning to reshoot the finale of this movie. And he needs a new lead actor. In addition to the journal, I found this stuck to the back of it. It seems to be something called Yellow King Cab Company. What's that? And it's got a phone number. Yeah, they're the most expensive cab company. Of course he would use Yellow Cab.

Sorry, I just... I don't know why he wastes money all the time. Yellow King. That name has a ring to it that I can't quite put my finger on it. But maybe we should call this number on the back. And then we can see if maybe they know where the director went. That'd be great. It'd be great if we could finish this. I'm supposed to have dinner with Sally tonight.

I might, you know, pop the question tonight. I'm thinking about it, but I'm not. Anyways, make the call. Can we be done with this soon? He's got a phone in here somewhere, right? There is a phone, yeah. All right, I'll make the call. Yeah, you make the call.

Operator. Hi, put me through to the Yellow King Cab Company. They're at Chesterfield 0317 McGillicuddy. Chesterfield 0317 McGillicuddy. Connecting. And you hear the sound of somebody with long nails plugging things into things at a switchboard. Do you guys ever freak out that if you got sucked back in time,

you'd have no fucking clue how to use a phone? Oh, it'd be so funny. My fear is that if I went back in time, I would be immediately killed for being brown. So no. It's actually easier because you don't have to remember numbers. You just pick up a phone. Oh, it'd be so funny. My fear is that if I went back in time, I would be immediately killed for being brown. So no. It's actually easier because you don't have to remember numbers.

You just pick up a phone and go, Dr. Will, give me Will Campos, please. All right. Yeah, there's very few places I get to go when I go back in time. Yeah.

Freddie and I can go to 1987 and any earlier than that is a little bit dicey. It gets dicier the farther you go back. I can go anywhere. I'd be more successful if I went. You could own people.

Yeah. Oh, no. You hear somebody pick up the phone at Yellow King Cab Company and go, Yellow King Cab Company, what do you want? Hi, I'd like to inquire about a man who chartered a cab from you. I'm looking for him. Yeah, what's your name? What's the name of the director?

Fuck. The director's name is Joseph Joseph Abrams. Oh my gosh, no. They call him Double J. I'm looking for Double J. Abrams. It's quite urgent. I'm his assistant, you see, and he left his heart medication,

and it's very urgent that I find him, and the last thing I know is that he called your cab company and took a cab somewhere. Well, nice cover, Sally. You're doing great. I frantically try to hush the speaker on the phone. Roll a persuasion. Oh, fuck.

I have a 10 for persuasion. None of you persuasive? No, what's hard about this system is none of your stats are, like, automatically gained. You have to add to them. So, essentially, whatever you don't add to, you have, like, you is none of your stats are automatically gained. You have to add to them. So essentially, whatever you don't add to, you have like, you're just bad at. You're bad.

I got a 59, so I failed. 59. He goes out. We don't give that kind of information on the phone. I grab the phone from him. It's like, hello, this is Meryl Streep, star of Stage and Screen. The Chinese fella? Yes. My wife has a month or so.

Well, I'll tell you what, Mr. Who am I talking to? You're talking to Danny DeVito. Well, Mr. DeVito, let me tell you. Everyone in my family has named that through the generations. Well, Mr. I love it. Well, Mr. DeVito, I got some dough with your name on it. Is that so? Yes.

Being a star of stage and screen, I have quite a bit of it to throw around. Perhaps you heard of my lavish parties that I had in the Hollywood Hills some 10 years ago. Danny DeVito says that. Well, unless you got a way to shove money through the phone receiver, it doesn't do a lot to me right now, does it? Money over the phone? What sort of sci-fi world do you think we live in? I'm working on a screenplay. It kind of petered out around the second act, but that's the main

thrust of it is money through the phone, is my thing. What's it called? Dial M for money. Holy shit. That's way better. I was going to say it's called Vengeance Mountain, which I'm shorting to Venmo, but no, Dial M for money is way funnier. Dial M for money, good work.

Well, I could have my butler send it over. Do you still have a butler or are you lying? I am lying about that. Okay, so go ahead and I guess roll Persuade with, I would say, a penalty dice. So it's basically disadvantage for the tens digit because you're- Is there any way I could roll this on credit?

Because it's like I have a reputation as being, you know, like a former celeb. If you were physically were physically with him yes but since you're over the phone like how can you really prove that a that you're him a and b since you haven't been in talkies really just your physical money yeah and like if you were next to him you could roll credit he would like look at you and be like oh this guy's rich he's like a little stressed but you're over the phone so it's kind of could i roll charm people didn't lie lie in 1939. Because my charm is much better. 49, 19, 49. So is that under your charm?

Yes, it is. My charm is 75. Damn. Okay, shit. Fuck. You're a charming dude. I'm a charming guy. Many wives have had untoward thoughts towards me.

Yeah, I guess. Although that would work against my charm, wouldn't it? I mean, no, but also he's basically like, he wants to be you. If I tell my wife that I talk to V. Meryl Stre and maybe, you know, vicariously be more excited about getting. All right. All right. So, yeah, he charted a couple of cabs. He went from the father's own studio editing suite to his apartment. Then he took a ride from his apartment to the Griffith Observatory. And then from there he went to the train station. To like a union station?

Yeah, union station. It's going to be tough going down to union station because it's literally the grand opening. It literally started in 1939. Yeah. The grand opening of union station, really? Yeah, I'm pretty excited. Me and Sally want to go there. I heard the ceiling's incredible. You're going to find that a lot of things in this campaign happened exactly in 1939, maybe two weeks ago.

Well, Mr. DeVito, thank you so much for the information. Tell you what, I'll have my assistant send over a signed headshot. Hey, real quick while I got you online, can you say your famous catchphrase from that picture where you were the sexually charged villain, the one that makes the ladies swim? Well, I will say that it was a silent picture, so I actually never really said anything. They just had me mouth the alphabet. And then they added it in. Mr. Streep, I practiced that line every night. Every night as I went to bed, I was like, ABC.

Oh, ma'am, you were the best in that movie. Yeah, the catchphrase that made the ladies swoon. What was it again? It was, come here, lady, and hold your body against mine. Whoa. Man, I could hear you say that all day. Hey, Sally, in that journal, what else did it say about the oak trees? Gosh, that's right.

You know, I forgot all about that, and I flipped through it. Okay, so when you look at the journal, you can see the phrasing is exactly, need to film new finale where oaks grow tall, and oaks grow tall is underlined. Now, where oaks grow tall? Is there a, um, that maybe he's, is there, is there an oak forest around here? Is there a, um, I guess I'll do it. Not as do it. Can I just try to think? Uh, let's see. Can I think good? You could roll history. You could roll natural world. I'm going to do a history roll. See if I could trek back through my knowledge of the Sandemus area. I failed. I don't know of any oak groves around here.

I don't know if you gentlemen know of anything. Let me think. I critically fail that role. I failed as well. So I can call my gal Sally. She, she, she worked for the,

the, the parks. She was, she was an artist and, and yeah, landscaper. And now she works with the parks, mostly a Joshua tree area,

which opened in 1936. If you all know, but she might, she might go, that's ancient. Now she works with the parks, mostly a Joshua Tree area, which opened in 1936, if you all know. But she might know something. Three years ago, that's ancient. She might know something. Why don't you give your sweetheart a ring and see what she can tell us about where the oaks grow? Okay, I don't like bothering her at work, but yeah, we could do that. Tell me where she works.

She works in probably like Town Hall. So you hear a woman pick up the phone and go like, Who are you trying to reach? Sally, Sally Johnson. Sally! And Sally comes over and picks up the phone and goes, What's going on to reach uh sally sally johnson sally comes over and picks up something goes what's going on hey babe how's it going uh why are you calling me actually i have a tree question weird right oh no i love answering questions you know i love answering questions i know it's your favorite thing so yeah i'm here

with some friends actually we got a we got a problem here at work anyways i don't want to waste your time i know you're very busy and what you do is much more important than the stuff that we do so um do you have any idea where oaks grow tall? I know it sounds like a riddle, but it is important for work. Where oaks grow tall. I mean, there are oak trees across the country. That's a little vague. There's no... Do oak trees normally grow tall compared to other trees? Yeah, they're pretty tall. Is there any place that like they grow extra tall?

I don't think so, no. I'm sorry for wasting your time, babe. No, no, no. It's always a pleasure to hear your voice. Hey, this is pretty wild. Do you know who I'm sitting next to? Who? Meryl Streep.

You know I've had untoward feelings about her. I know you're talking about it. You know what they say. Whatever revs your engine as long as I get to drive the car. Holy shit! Oh, my God. Holy shit! Oh my god. Holy shit! That's great.

Hey, can you say hi to my gal Sally? Say your signature line. Sally, you probably don't recognize my voice. Yeah, I've never heard your voice before.

But it is me, I assure you. I only think your movie is never in talkies. I assure you, it is me, and I'm fixing to change that with the help of your

boyfriend. Yeah, he's my boyfriend. With the help of your boyfriend here, but until then, why don't you hold your body real close to mine and rub against it a little bit. I'm at work. Alright, babe. You're welcome.

Hopefully I won't be home too late, but I'll let you know. I'll bring dinner home. Okay, great. Thanks. I'll see you when we get there. So, oak I'll let you know. I'll bring dinner home. Okay, great. Thanks. I'll see you when we get there. So oak trees grow everywhere, guys. That's all I got. Well, I think we'll just have to keep this clue in mind as we continue to chase down the leads.

Well, I'll tell you, it looks like he went from the apartment to Griffith Park Observatory. Oh, that place is so romantic. No, before we hoof it all the way down to Los Angeles, maybe we should check out that editing suite first. Because he came from the editing suite here and then pooped his pants and went crazy. And then went to Griffith Park. You know what? The editing suite's bathroom's been out of order for quite a long time. It makes sense. Maybe that's what happened.

Or maybe the picture was just so good, he couldn't hold it. That's an option. You ever seen art that really changes you? You know? That makes you like bathrooms. What are bathrooms when there's magic in front of them? Man, I hope I see a picture one day that I got to poop in the whole dang theater. And everybody's like, hey, get out of here.

But I'm like, this is my dream. No, it's not. You're going to be in that picture. And hopefully when somebody punches you, I'll be that guy that is you for a couple seconds when it happens. Oh, man. And then I'll be like, come here, baby, and rub your body against mine. It's hold your body close and then rub it against me a little bit. Okay.

Sorry. I'll get it right next time. Let me actually write this down. Okay. So I've got a little notebook here and I'm going to write, come here, baby, and hold your body close to mine. And rub it. And rub it against me a little bit. And rub it against me a little bit. A little bit is important otherwise it breaks the Hays Code.

No way. Very good. Very good. Fuck, that's funny. All right, so I guess we should go to the editing suite. The editing suite. You arrive at the editing suite. When you open the door, the entire room is pitch black,

save for a single light at the other end of the room. And silhouetted in that light, you can see a woman hunched over, working what you can clearly tell as a moviola, a moviola being the machine that they used to hand crank and edit film back in the day. And also historically, mostly women in editing. Correct. Yeah. They were editors and computers.

Also, they were so hot that edit bays normally burned down. Yep. It was also because film... The women in the editing. I thought that's what she said. These gals were so hot. Yeah, film is flammable, but editors are even hotter. So this editor is just sitting there, like didn't turn around when we came in?

No, so she turns back around, and you can see the way that the light from the moviola is running, it's sort of just hitting her chest. Everything outside of her chest is sort of in complete darkness. She turns around and is looking at the moviola and is cranking it back and forth. And she's like, hey, moviola, my eyes are up here. No, she doesn't.

Gentlemen, be quiet. That's Gertrude von Strumpf. She's one of the most famous editors in all of San Dimas. She works on all of this company's pictures. She's notoriously cantankerous. One time, a PA came in while she was cutting Husbands Who Needs Them, the latest rom-com farce, and she flipped out at him and threw coffee in his face.

Yeah, I know. I was that PA before I was on. Believe me, I don't want to go in there. I'm going to stay out here by the door. She's a little kinder towards women, so I'll go ahead and stick my head in here. Gertrude, dearie. Hello.

So she continues to ignore you and just keep cranking the handrails on the movie, cranking back and forth. She's so dedicated to her craft. Nothing can distract her. We better approach with caution. Something seems off. I want to do a quick perception

of what's going on here because it seems like we're walking into a freaky room. This is going to get spooky. Is this a freaky room? Is this a freaky room, Daddy Mask? Is this a family room or is this a freaky room?

I think maybe the way the Call of Cthulhu works is they want you to investigate for yourself rather than having the die roll sort of tell you what's going on. So you have to put yourself

at risk to find stuff out. But that takes work. And then it's probably just environmentally. It's like I'm getting freaky vibes. Yes, you're definitely getting some weird vibes here.

Like she definitely should have been able to hear you when the door opened. She should have seen the light, but she didn't turn around. It's like she's acting like you're not there. This is very odd.

Usually if someone opens the door while Gertrude's editing, you're going to get a whole mess of profanities thrown in your face. Yep. Absolutely. I don't like that she's ignoring us. I mean, we're human beings. We got just as right to be. Actually, we don't work here

so maybe we should leave. I turn on my flashlight. Oh shit. Click, click. And then I do a sweeping scan through the darkness. Okay, as you sweep through the darkness, you see what appears to be pretty normal, just a bunch of, you know, filmers and stuff like that, but tell me what you do with the flashlight in regards to Gertrude.

I'm very scared of agitating Gertrude, so I'm gonna, like, slowly shine. I'm not gonna... Are you afraid of the dark levels of slow reveal? Just slowly gonna cast it up towards Gertrude. I'm like, Gertrude, dearie, are you all right in there? Okay, so you see, as the flashlight beam begins to run up her body,

you can see there's some liquid that's trickling down her body. And initially you think, oh, it's blood, but it's just blackish, grayish stuff. And as the flashlight continues up, you can see her arms are covered in it. It seems to be seeping out of cuts in her arms. And as you get up to her face, you realize that the click, click, click noise you were hearing is not just from the movie YOLA, but there is there are two small film reels almost like bolted into

her eye sockets, and they're running and running fast, and the edges of the film reels, which are really, really sharp, are cutting her cheeks and her eyebrows, and from that, this black blood stuff is seeping down, and she opens her mouth, and film starts to sort of spool out of it. And she goes,

Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello. Have you come to see the film? All right, so everybody roll a sanity check. So you're going to try to roll under your sanity. If you succeed, then you only take one sanity damage. And if you fail, then you take a D6 of sanity.

Success. I also succeeded. I barely succeeded. I got 35 and my sanity is already 38. 34 on a of sanity. Success. I also succeeded. I barely succeeded. I got 35 and my sanity's already 38. 34 on a 59 sanity. Okay, then reduce your sanity by one.

I rolled a four on a 70 sanity, so. You've seen some real shit. Hildy's just got a, she's got a strong head on her shoulders. Gertrude leans over and more of the film

starts bit by bit jerking out of her mouth and she grabs it with her hand and like starts pulling it out of her and you can hear the sound of the film starts bit by bit jerking out of her mouth, and she grabs it with her hand and starts pulling it out of her, and you can hear the sound of the film slicing her throat and her tongue as it comes out, and black blood starts to spew down her chin. Let's close the door and leave, guys.

Wait, we gotta help her. This is the night with the... I don't think we can help her, guys. This is worse than last time I saw her. We gotta go. I rush over and try to get the film out of her mouth. Oh, shit. I think she's choking on it.

I'm gonna rush up with stud as well, okay? I've turned around and I'm not watching. Are you going to try to pull it out? Yeah, I'll try to pull it out. Okay, so give me a strength roll. Got a 97 on a 50, unfortunately. It doesn't budge, and more than that, she grabs you by the hand and she says,

you know what's beautiful about film? The imperfections, the scratches, the hairs, the flecks of dust. As you edit, it begins to be all you see. You're initially given this film and it's pristine and clean and you think, ah, this will be perfect, but the more you work on it, the more the imperfections begin to worm their way in, the horrible

pure randomness of it. And she turns to you and her fucking eyes continue to like spool and like blood continues to pour down. She goes, would you like to see the film? Stud, you need to back away right now something's not right with this woman so she doesn't let go of your hand and she goes no no you have to see you have to see the film it's gonna be the greatest film of all time we're gonna wait for the premiere you know this isn't really the right environment to enjoy a full motion picture you know like i think we'd rather wait

until the whole thing comes together why don't you you go ahead and roll persuasion? So I fail. As you say that, she turns and looks at you. Her jaw like unhinges and opens even wider and you see this like bright light come from within, almost like the fucking film projector. I close my eyes. I try to shield my eyes. First you're gonna have to do a sanity check because that's an insane thing that she just did. Yeah, that's a fail.

So I can roll a d6. Yeah, roll a d6 of sanity. Oh, that's not too bad a three. So you close close your eyes but you're gonna be temporarily blinded for this next part Gertrude turns to you stud and says I have the dailies to show you don't watch the dailies don't don't watch them they'll teach

you so much about the randomness so I'm gonna just run in and do a flying kick at her head okay give me a fighting brawl roll next episode is gonna be the adventure of three people and uh that was a 17 roll on a fighting of 30 so i do succeed on that so she's gonna try to dodge you she fails you clock her with like a axe kick a fucking sick axe kick that you've definitely done your films before and that's a three damage on my roll. Mr. Streep, that was incredible.

Does Stud get broken out of this thrall briefly? Does she stagger back? Let's roll for her strength to see if she lets go or not. No, she's still holding on. Mr. Streep, I know I'm still caught here, but that was incredible. Okay, so now we're going to be in proper combat. So Gertrude is going to grab Stud by the neck. So basically the way that the movie will work is there's an exposed strip of film that you crank with these two reels left and right and

in the middle where the film is exposed film is pretty sharp on the edges this is like this razor sharp edge so she's going to grab you by the neck and try to force your head down into the exposed film strip so you're going to roll a pose to her. So we're both going to roll a D100. Man, this bra just won't quit and I got to respect that. Whenever you're defending, you have a choice. You can either dodge to try to avoid the damage entirely. You can fight back to try to do damage back to her, or you can try to do a maneuver, which is like fighting back, except instead of doing damage, you do something special to them, like trying to restrain them or push them or any of those things. So which of those things would you like to do first? Kick the moviola over.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, I think I'm going to try to push it over. That's a maneuver. So what did you roll? I rolled a 97. Okay, that's very bad. I know. That's a critical fail.

So she rolls a success. She grabs you by the neck and jams your head into the side of this moviola and the film strips with your wide open eyes just cut across the body. Oh no! And your eyes just cut across the body. Oh no! And your eyes just get sliced the fuck open. Wait, both of them?

Both of them. Is she blind now? Yeah. Man. Good thing there are talkies now. Oh no! This happened fast. Yeah.

So luckily, that only does three damage to you. But the bigger thing is that she's blind. Your eyeballs are now basically gone. The goop is fucking running out of them. God. But the upside is, because she's showing you the movie,

you see in your soul, not with your eyes, what was on the film strip. On the plus side. On the plus side. You got to look on the bright side, even when you can't look. So you see them shooting a romance scene between the two stars of the film on the studio lot in Father's Own Studio. The two lovers are embracing, and you hear J.J. Abrams yell, cut! And he steps in a frame, and he goes, this is bullshit. I don't believe this.

This isn't real. Casting director, hey, hey, hey. I'm so sorry, sir. What's the problem? This is bullshit. This space is bullshit. It's not expansive enough. I want to feel the stars from without and from within.

I want the stars to feel like they're coming from inside of me. So what I want you to do, you're going to go to the Griffith. You're going to find me some fucking stars at the Griffith. That's what I want, okay? So tell me what you're going to do. We're going to do casting conditions at the Griffith Observatory. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

The film keeps going, and the director is off camera, but you can hear him just, like, beating his head. He goes, they kiss. That's it. The world's in danger. It's going to end, and they kiss. No, it's not real. It needs to be dark. He goes, they kiss. That's it. The world's in danger. It's going to end and they kiss. No, it's not real. It needs to be dark.

It needs to be more honest. And you got to go out with a bang. There's this place in Tennessee where the tall oaks can burn real good. That's what. And then the film ends. But in addition to that, you can see what she's talking about. The film is, it's not just the image you're seeing. You can see the imperfections on the film, the little dust mites and the little bits of hair or whatever. The visual noise of them begins to

drown out the actual image that you're seeing. It's like you're looking at the static and the dust and the detritus and all that is crawling its way into your what would have been your eyeballs and sort of taking up a fucking home in your soul. Like you feel the randomness and you feel the decay and the fact that this world is chaos and however beautiful this film might have once been, nothing is going to survive the entropy of existence. So make a sanity roll. 68. Okay, how much sanity do you have currently?

I have 80. Okay, great. So you only lose one sanity. Okay. And your eyes. Okay, so that's it for Gertrude's turn. It is your turn, Stud. Okay, describe what's going on to me.

I can't really see anything. Your face is being shoved into a Moogiola. Could somebody help me push it over? Does anybody have a match? We got light. I feel like all of you smoke. Oh, yeah. Yes, we've all got different.

Four lighters. Yeah, I feel like it's 9 to 39. Probably every single one of you smokes. Without looking, I just hold up matches. Like, yeah, I got them. Okay, guys, I got a plan. What if we light the match and then throw it in here? You guys grab me and we'll hit the road, Jack.

Sounds like a plan. If you're going to try to push it over, go ahead and make a strength check. I rolled exactly my strength. What does that mean? That means you succeeded. Okay. So you successfully kick over the moviola, which is enough for Gertrude to go, no, the film.

And she lets go of you and she rushes over to try and pick it back up. So now it is Matt's turn. What's going on? Weude to go, no, the film! And she lets go of you, and she rushes over to try and pick it back up. So now it is Matt's turn. What's going on? We gotta go! Get out of here and torture! Okay, I just run down the hall. Okay, you just get away. Nobody's going for you. You are now out of combat. I can't hear. So we gotta get out of

here, so I just start running. Alright, you are now out of combat. Freddy, it is your turn. I'm gonna flick my lighter, throw the Zippo in towards the pile of film and pull stud out. If you're doing both, then you're going to roll with disadvantage on your roll for the lighter. Yeah, I'll try and do both. Okay, cool. So roll for your throwing skill. What are you throwing it at?

If this is like an editing room, there's going to be piles of film on the floor. There's going to be stuff hanging. It's going to be just sort of a mess, right? Yeah, sure. So I'm going to throw the biggest pile of film that I see. Okay. And luckily, Meryl Streep did some track track and field did a little bit of shot to put so that throw skills at 65 baby and i rolled a 29 okay so that's a hard success which is good so it not only catches fire with the pile of film that you threw it into that pile of film immediately catches on to but because cellulite is extremely flammable as anybody who's seen fucking inglorious bastard's

gonna test too and it actually starts to catch on to Gertrude herself as she's trying and failing currently to pull the moviola back. And you can see the second it hits her foot, like it catches up quickly, almost like she's made of celluloid. And that's a regular success on the roll to grab stud. So I do so successfully. And we clear the room as it is catching on fire. Okay, Will. Okay. stud so i do so successfully and we clear the room as it is catching on fire okay will okay i run to the door and then this is my last action before fleeing i reach into my fake makeup bag and pull out a camera and i snap a photo of gertrude going up in flames okay so through

the fucking lens of your camera you get the perfect picture of gertrude on fire as her arms open and like spools of tentacles of film just come out from her like so you're gonna have to make a sanity roll for looking directly into that shit i do have a photography skill as well do i need to roll that oh that's even better yeah give me his photography skill if you do really well it'll reduce the amount of sanity you have to lose nice shit i failed so you still get the picture but you're gonna have to make a sanity roll and no matter what you're gonna take as a little blurry no matter what you're gonna take a d3 of damage if you fail you take a full d6 a little overexposed because the fire all right it succeeded oh yeah take a d3 of sanity damage all right so i rolled a five so yeah that's three that's three okay so

you're successfully out of this combat blood is streaming successfully as yeah so blood is streaming from poor stud stampler's face as you burst through the doors out into the parking lot of the editing bay out in sunny San Dimas where everything seems to be completely normal and not infested with a horrible celluloid monster. I was running down the hallway and I turn around. I'm like, oh, thank God we all got out. Oh, my God, Stud, what happened? Guys, guys, give it to me straight. Is it bad? What's bad?

I mean, it hurts pretty bad. It's pretty bad, Stud. i would say don't look but yeah i tear uh my sleeve off and i start putting a bandage around says don't worry but we're gonna we're gonna take care of this whose voice is that this is your stunt double this is your pal robert robert hey man i saw you running down the hallway i even asked for the match and you didn't give it to me. Wait, when? You know, when I lost my fucking eyes just a second ago. Okay, we'll talk about that in a second. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That's mean. I'm just in a lot of pain. We'll talk about that in a second as the Wilson family fucking coat of arms. I wish I knew what was going on. I wasn't looking and I asked what I should do. I wasn't looking either, man. I wasn't looking. Sally said get out of here. I didn't know what was going on. In fact, I don't think I'll ever look again.

Do I see the flames in the background? Yeah, so as you guys are leaving, you can feel the heat. The flames are coming up. This entire fucking building is going up bad. You can hear in the distance a fire alarm beginning to sound like somebody ringing a bell over and over again because it's old times and shit.

You can see people peeping out of their windows at the fire that's growing and the smoke that's climbing toward the sky. Meryl, stomp the gas. We gotta scram. I don't drive. Wait, who's driving now? Oh, no, I got it, guys. All right. I, you know, don't have a lot of experience

with these jalopies, but I'll give the old college go. Okay, so Matt, roll your first aid skill. i got 65 out of 65 okay so i give a lot for so beth you heal one hp yay still extremely blind yeah i was just trying to stop her oozing eyeballs from going down her face and bleeding still yeah that's great i probably like took off my socks and tore them and like stuffed them into her eye socket and socket and then wrapped it tight so that it would stop bleeding. They say that the other senses kind of catch up with you. And I got to say, I wish you washed your feet more, but I appreciate it.

Why, what's the matter? Now, here's the thing. Will smell go up now as a result? Will hearing go up? Yes. You can roll advantage on anything that's not sight related. That's good because I feel like I have a pretty substantial disadvantage when it comes to anything visual disadvantage when it comes to anything or rather bonus and penalty dice though you won't see you will probably take

less than sandy because yeah you're probably gonna be in a pretty good space to not lose your shit stat i'm really sorry if i had known what's going on in there i wouldn't have ran i'm really sorry it's okay not everybody has to be brave and macho. It's okay to be sensitive sometimes. Like, my eyes hurt really bad right now, but I'm trying to put on a brave face. You have a brave face on right now, for sure. Thanks, buddy. Uh, Stud, here, why don't

you take a slug of this? And I hand him my hip flask. You know, for your nerves. I'm holding my hand out in the middle of the air like I can't. I put it in his hand. Is this the water? Don't look back while driving. It's giggle water, pal. It's a belt of bourbon. I take a swig and I'm holding my hand out in the middle of the air like I can't. I put it in his hand. Is this the water? Don't look back while driving. It's giggle water, pal. It's a belt of bourbon. I take a swig and I'm like.

All right, never mind. You're wasting it. No, that's fine. All right, where are you going now? Fellas, I feel like we need to get to. A hospital. We got to go to the hospital. It feels like we should go to the hospital.

We should go to the hospital. All right. So you go to the hospital. We need to get this man checked over. This is dumb, but what was health insurance like back in... I have no idea. That's a good question. You're a man.

You just walked in and said, I'm a man. My eyes were hurt. Wait, wait, wait. Are you white? I don't know anymore. Don't worry. We got production insurance. And just for this time, don't worry.

I'll say you work for us even though you don't stud. So you show up at San Dimas Mercy Hospital, and it's a little cramped affair it's all very uh white and sterile uh you get the feeling that since there's not too much that goes on here in san dimas there's not often too many people ending up in the emergency room and you burst into the doctor's office and you speak to the doctor the first thing the doctor wants to know is how did this happen well i um workplace accident we were on set okay do you want to maybe charm him into looking the other way with your powers of acting meryl streep that's true but uh we do need them to look this way to help fix the problem you know i'll just pull a cigarette as we go you know boys

being boys that's very good if you try to charm with that that's with advantage that's what we do hey doc you want a cig oh. He's caught my nerves perfectly. These are great. They lower stress, blood pressure. I always do one before a surgery. That was a real thing in a fucking commercial back then. You know, I'm a construction worker, and that's how it happened. I was constructing things, and my eyes got deconstructed.

All right, why don't you, somebody roll something to try to convince him of this. Ray, why don't you roll? I'll borrow Sally's lighter, and I'll flick flick it on and I'll light the doctor's cigarette. I'm like, hey, pretty crazy out there. You know how it is. Workplace accidents. Hi, my name is Meryl Streep. Star stage of screen.

Doesn't ring a bell. Really? He's a doctor, man. He doesn't have time for a doctor. He's a boy like us. He knows how boys were just being boys. Well, as a fellow man, I'm sure you've seen this kind of stuff happen all the time.

People coming in completely blinded across both eyes. Not as much as you might think. Excuse me, good sir, but does it say somewhere in the Hippocratic Oath under do no harm, fucking ask a bunch of bullshit questions before I help someone and I slap him across the face. Roll brawl.

I failed pretty bad. You try to slap him and he just catches your wrist and he goes, this is not my first time talking to a hysterical woman. He goes, I have to ask these questions so I can provide the best kind of care and alert the police if necessary. It looks like you might have been in some sort of fight. There's bruising all around your eyes.

Well, yeah, another hysterical woman. You know what I'm talking about? Those nails. They're like cat nails. They're like cake nails? Cat. Oh, cat nails.

He's got a New York accent. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, cat. Like the little, you know, the pussy cat. Sir, we work for Father's Own. I believe we've had a lot of people. He's now heard seven different accounts. We've had a lot of people come here because, as you know, our sets are not the safest.

This is a construction worker. He fell off the top of it and hit his eyes on the way down. It's horrible. He hit his eyes on the way down? Eyes on the way down. It was a very tall set. It was a multitude of things, like death from a thousand cuts, except blindness. Eye death.

All right, go ahead. Somebody roll something so I can have this guy react. Do you have a good persuade? No, I have a horrible persuade, but I'm the one that was talking. Yeah, I failed. Okay. No, I don't need to persuade you. I got the money.

I have the money, and you work for me, and I'm going to pay you because it's your job, sir. So I don't know why I'm persuading you to do your gosh darn job. So here's the money. He pulls out his hand. He says, this money is for the hospital. This money is for me to not say what I know has happened, which is this infighting.

Which hand is he holding out? Meryl Streep, give him some money. What? Me? I expect to be fully reimbursed for this, sir. Okay, so if you're going to bribe him, you have to reduce your credit rating by like five.

Okay. Or 10. I will bribe him. I roll a 21, which is a hard success on my credit roll okay so you only have to lose five of your credit rating for paying him off essentially okay so you pay him off and it seems like you've probably bought his silence and he goes like sorry but you're blind for good as far as i can tell i do for that yeah we know that i have uh disinfected

it i uh looked at it from several angles and i didn't lobotomize you so that's the best you can hope for doc you got any uh Doc, you got any pain medication? You got any glass eyes lying around? Perhaps we could give our good friend here the appearance of normalcy. Oh, I definitely have both painkillers and glass eyes. And he gives you both. Oh, man. Wait, can I hand him back the glass eyes?

Can you put these in for us? Oh, yeah, sure. He does. It feels very bad. Those injuries are pretty raw. So you basically have two glass eyes that are now blood is running down the glass eyes they're in your head they don't look i mean they look like you have bad weird eyes like a bad doctor guys how do i look he was willing to take a bribe to not tell me about this is the best in sandemus forget it jake it's sandy in this yeah

i pull out my movie star shades and I put them over you. You look great. You look like a star. Maybe I won't be able to see myself on the big screen someday, but other people still will. All your dreams. Oh, no. Hey, stud, you know, you can sit this out if you want.

No way, man. I'm in it for good. I'm going to bring back the magic in this picture town no matter what. I would even lose another eye, except I don't have any more. I'm totally blind. Oh, man. What a bummer. I'm going to do a bummer roll.

I have to go to the little girl's room to deal with feminine things. Feminine things, the doctor says. You know they pee out of their vaginas. Guys, even in 2019, it is true. While they're all not listening to me, I sneak out and go to a telephone. Operator. Operator, get me the Defender. And put two fingers of bourbon in it and step on it.

I put some steak on it. Slightly quicker than usual, you're connected with the Defender and you hear your editor go, What is it? Julian, holy crackers, is this story blown up hotter than a tap dancer on Broadway who has just had two fingers of bourbon? You love that two fingers of bourbon idiom. Yes, I do. And it would take an idiot to not realize that this is going to be a sensational story.

Now, get this. We visited the director's home. It's covered in filth. It's covered with those sane ramblings of a delusional man. He wants to reshoot the entire finale of their most expensive picture. Oh, I mean, these Hollywood types can be a little bit unusual, but that sounds like a typical megalomaniacal bullshit.

We also went to the editor's office, and the editor's completely lost her mind. She had some sort of horrific contraption on her face. Local stuntman, studstampler. He went blind from getting his face sliced. It's been gore, it's been action, it's been viscera. Now, let me tell you something. I want my name front and center on the byline,

and I want a picture on the lead of the paper. Above the fold. I'm telling you this, or I'm going to take it to the bugler. The bugler. Not those pieces of shit at the bugler. You had me with the violence. I do like a good story of violence.

Wait, what did you say? You said the editing bay? The editing bay. It's all up in flames. That's where the fire is. That's the fire. We can have the first scoop on what really went down on that fire. Let all the other papers

in town look like a bunch of blogey maronis. Stop suppressing! Stop suppressing! You hear him yell. Okay, literally stopping it. If you can get me a report on the fire at the editing bay and get me some more juicy shit, either today's front page and if this story's as big as you say, maybe for the rest of the week as long as you keep me fed. Hot diggity dog.

Alright, I'm gonna get back to it. Nice light on the phone. Great. Hey guys, I also need to use the little girls. I need to use the phone. I'm sorry. I don't know why I lied. Go ahead. Do you need help dialing? What's the operator? Do you need help picking up the phone? I need help just

finding the phone at all. I'll bring you there. I'll bring you there. Oh, thank you. Operator. Hi, yes. Stampler residence. I would like to speak to Willie. So you get connected and you hear the voice of your young, what would you refer to him? Do you think of him as your son or is he just your nephew? He's my nephew that I've adopted.

So yeah, I think he would think son. Okay. So you hear Willie's voice go. What? Hey, Willie. So I'm going to be home a little later. Hangs up. Man, hope he's not killing cats again.

Does he do that stuff? I mean, he's just a man's man, I think is what you would call him. Oh, do you own cats? I did. Not anymore. I did, yeah. You're not buying more cats are you no no okay good i mean i wouldn't be able to find them any anyways guys i gotta tell you

something i i saw this thing when i got my eyes chopped up it was the film role from uh double j's abrams film he was talking all crazy after this sort of love scene where these these two people came and cuddled and they kissed. He wanted something darker with the finale. He mentioned Tennessee. Tennessee is where the big oaks are. Tennessee. Tennessee. Yeah.

I mean, all I know about- How did you see this again? It's hard to describe, especially because I don't really have a visual reference anymore, but it's like my soul. It's like my soul soul. My God, this story keeps getting stranger and stranger. Story. Also, I think I've got a lead on the San Dimas cat strangler.

Jotting this all furiously in my notebook. Oh, God. I'm going to call off the record on that. All right, so what would you all like to do next? I say we should probably figure out where in Tennessee he went, maybe we could figure that out by asking, you know, at the train station. They said they were doing auditions at the observatory. So I'm keen on getting over there. It seems to me in terms of efficiency, it's better to take care of all of our Los Angeles stuff. Then what if we go all the way out to Tennessee and they tell us, hey, why don't we, you know,

you're going to have to go. That's a good idea. I want to be home for dinner. We got to go to Tennessee. We should wait for another time because, you know, you're going to have to go back. That's a good idea. Again, I want to be home for dinner. We got to go to Tennessee. We should wait for another time because, you know, I'm going to pop the question tonight. Maybe. I'm not sure yet, but maybe I will, depending on what time we're done with this. I probably shouldn't do it tonight. How can you think about speaking your piece and proposing marriage at a time like this? My God, this man's just had his eyeballs sliced out. We just saw.

Oh, I guess you didn't see it. But if you had seen what we'd seen in that room, you wouldn't have marriage on the mind anymore, Buster. I understand what you're saying, but there's nothing more important than my marriage and my gals out. But I understand. I'm just saying no, you're right. I'm not going to do it tonight. Okay, well, keep us all posted on that. Yeah, okay. Fellas, I think we should head over to the observatory. There appears to be some kind of potential

for lead roles and some sort of audition over there, and I'd like to see what that's all about. I'm going to drive this time. You were a little erratic there. A little erratic, eh? Yeah, you were drinking while driving. That's true. Fair enough. Could I have another swig of that?

Oh, yeah. Knock yourself out. Well, I'm not going to knock myself out. That's what my brother Carl did. It is good. You know, a burn. A burn in my soul. I don't know.

There's something about it. I'm going to take that back and screw it up and put it back in my pocket. After a not inconsiderable drive, you make it to the Grifth Observatory and inside, there's this... What time is it? It's midnight, basically. So I missed the dinner? Oh, yeah missed the dinner oh yeah sorry did you think yeah no that's definitely not happening halfway i stopped the car so i can go to a pay phone okay tell her hey that dinner don't worry

about it wasn't gonna be a special dinner or anything about that don't worry you know there's a big problem at work we lost one of the directors oh no yeah that's pretty bad but i'll be i'll be home to it. I'll bring breakfast. Okay. I love breakfast. How are you feeling? I mean, I miss my boyfriend. Oh, I miss you, too.

Did she almost say husband? I think she did. I hope those two crazy kids can make it work. I love that Stampler's in the car and can somehow hear. It's like, Stampler, what are they saying, Stampler? I can read lips. I can hear lips. So you make it to the Griff Observatory.

At 35 miles an hour. At a blistering 35 miles an hour. I drive five miles under the speed limit. Absolutely. It takes twice as long. It is 1 a.m. But the lights are still on inside. You enter and there's a hallway leading to the main observatory room.

And in the hallway, you see a bunch of, well, everybody except for Stud, sees four actors holding these little tiny scripts and uh what you notice is that they all seem like they're missing some color like they're a little bit desaturated like their skin seems a little sallow their clothes seem a little bit more sepia and they're reading these scripts and you hear them all basically repeating the same thing over and over like they're trying to go over their lines and they say the oaks will burn bright a weapon to end all wars let us embrace the random hand of fate in a firm handshake the oaks will burn bright a weapon to end all wars let us embrace

the random hand of fate in a firm handshake and they're saying it over and over again and as you get closer to the door leading to the main observatory room you can see that one of these actors throws down the script and just runs over the door and just starts pounding on it and scratching at it with her fingernails and her fingernails are breaking off and blood is streaming down her fingers and she's going give me another chance i could do i could do it better just give me another chance please please please please please please i turn to address the group fellas lady i've seen this before actors are truly desperate sometimes and i found really the best way to get an audition is not to go in with the chattel as it were and find a way in on the side and have a word with the producer face to face.

Isn't it odd they're doing auditions here at the Griffith Zoology? At one in the morning? At one in the morning, yeah. You actors really need to unionize. This is unacceptable. Well, I mean, I got to say I wish them all the best because I know it's a hard position to be in. You know, just wanting something so bad, something so magical, but it just being right out of your grasp

or maybe your sights. So from inside, you can hear the voice of somebody say, I told you before, you've all given your best shot. You're not what we're looking for. We are heading out. Please leave or we will be forced to, uh, to, to, please leave.

Gentlemen, I'd like to propose that we come up with some ground rules. Because it seems to me that everything tonight has not exactly been on the beam. Seems like things are a little askew. Seems like maybe something strange is going down in San Dimas. So I think it would behoove us to exercise the utmost caution when approaching strangers, seeing as the last stranger we approached blinded our dear friend Stud. I tell you, it's as if everyone's been smoking that bombay

bomba lacha here so here's what i'm going to propose i think we should circumnavigate these actors because they seem a little off kilter and maybe we can uh sort of figure out what's going on inside by entering another way i agree and we should not that's a good idea sally loves reading the horror stories that magazine so it's her favorite i don't like the stories it scares me at night but it's cute because then we cuddle and you know it's just a good excuse for me to stay up late with her but anyway she loves those horses point being we should not split up they always die if they split up yes that happened in the the screaming purple people of doe-eyed valley don't even say that one don't say that name to me i don't like it it's too spooky

this reminds me of the action in that one where the people seemed normal and then they flipped out. I think we should be careful. Let's go around. And I think I've heard the sides that they're saying, I'm going to give this a shot. Okay. So you head around to another, basically a fire exit. It's out of view of the other actors, but it is locked. Oh, gentlemen, as a makeup artist, I've had to break into many a room, you know, when actors refuse to come out of their trailer, but you got to get them ready for this shot. It checks out, folks. Makes sense. I would like to go ahead and make a locksmithing roll on this door. Do it. No, I failed. Okay. I'll try. I'm not as good as lots. Oh, okay. So you try to unlock the door and maybe you would have succeeded, but you make a pretty loud deal of it. And just as you're about to try to open it the door itself wrenches open from inside and you see um i did it oh good

job uh i feel like uh one or two of you probably recognize that yeah this is the casting director's assistant and she goes as she's opening her she's for the last time we're not and then sees you uh meryl and goes like oh that's. Step aside. My agent sent me along here and they said you folks are recasting. So you're wasting your time. The casting director already left. They're going to go film the last scene. He's already heading to the midnight train going anywhere. No, it's going to a specific place. If you want to read, you can. But you're really going to have to impress me. We're not here to read. We need to find Double J. I am here to read. i feel like

you took aggro point on that so she'll probably listen to you first she says so you're gonna read along with some film we've got she points behind her and there's basically a camera that's sort of hooked up to like a telescope and like the telescope is like it's taking like moonlight and starlight in it's pushing that through some weird makeshift camera and that's the light that's projecting the film or whatever and she goes all you got to do is you go up to that camera and you put your eye up to the lens and then just deliver the line. And if you impress it.

What if I just deliver it right here? That's not acceptable. That's, the director's looking for somebody that can really connect with the truth behind the film, with what the film is trying to say. And if you can't physically connect with it, then I just don't think you have the. Excuse me, what was the film trying to say?

It's a little heady, but we feel like audiences are definitely going to be ready for it. It's about the randomness of the world, about how chaotic things are and how that chaos is in its own way. Beautiful and terrible at the same time. Boy, do I know it. Guys, quick huddle. Meryl, if you mind. We should come up with a name for a huddle like this. A crew huddle.

Crew huddle. Crew huddle. Hey, after you guys told me what happened in the editing room i like you said i think everything's askew mayor i would not put your eyes i think if you put your eyes in that telescope you're gonna end up a lot like up on my eyes exactly i was gonna say he stood there can't see maybe let him you're telling me i'm supposed to go up against merrill costar this isn't a performance you're're not going to get a part. What do you mean? Look at those actors outside. Yeah, a bunch of losers.

A bunch of losers. They're clonded. You know, I think given how kooky things have gone tonight, the fact that we saw an actress outside scraping her dang fingernails off trying to get into this audition makes me think, what if they saw? Okay, okay. You haven't seen a lot of actresses in auditions. I have a theory of the case I'd like to put forward to you, gentlemen.

I think whatever they saw looking through that thing made them go bananas the way that Gertrude went bananas. I think there's something about this film that affects your mind. Like a real stinker. Like a real bee floppo. Like cat people. You ever see cat people? I went on that movie Madden and the Hornet's Nest. I think it's like that, but maybe 10,000 times worse.

Stampler, you can go after me. I'm going to march up to the thing. But full knowledge of what's going on. I'm just going to close my one me. I'm going to march up to the thing. But full knowledge of what's going on. I'm just going to close my one eye. I'm not actually looking through it.

Okay. And so pretend to look through it and like, ah, okay. Well, as you put your eye up to it, you can feel your eyelid being like pried open by like

some force from within it, like the dust and the hair and shit on the film. You can feel like it's like you can't outthink Cthulhu creatures, ready?

It's like fucking, you feel one of the like bits of hair, like grab your fucking lower eyelid and just stretch it downward and grabs the other one, stretches it upward. And you can feel the sharp tendrils just like hook themselves into your left eye and just keep you there. And you are stuck.

But to all of us, it looks like Meryl's just acting really, really hard, right? Yeah. You see a scene that they presumably filmed a little bit earlier, and it's got the female lead. She's delivering a monologue,

and the words and stuff are fine. It's nothing you haven't heard before, but something about the way that she delivers it, something about the way that it's shot, something about the effect of being this close to the film. This is the single best thing you've ever seen on celluloid. It is so good that tears begin to stream down from your other eye. So why don't you roll a sanity check? That's a 25 and that's a save on that. Okay. So you only take a

D4 of sanity damage. Three damage. So he's seeing this, it's hooked up to a telescope pointing to the stars, right? Yeah. Basically there is a film camera set up such that it is connected to a telescope at the Griffith Observatory and it's pulling in starlight and moonlight and using that to shoot that starlight and moonlight through the film out of the lens, essentially. So I saw a really good movie. So you saw a really, really good movie, and more than that, you can feel the movie entering you. And you guys see, as he's looking into it...

Sorry. I'm sorry. You can see Meryl Streep is beginning to go monochrome. Like, all the color is beginning to disappear. Help me get some roles in this town, eh? Becoming essentially a black and white character. Do you keep looking? No. I'm still trying to get the part.

Okay, well then, yeah, deliver the line. So do I pull myself away from it? No, you can't. I mean, if you're going to try to pull yourself away, it'll be a strength check because it's like hooked into your eye. I'll start to lose more eyes. If you allow yourself to just keep looking at it, then you'll have to basically do another sanity check but you can deliver your

line okay do you want this role or do you want this role i want this role okay then give me another sanity check with disadvantage oh that's a 73 so i've already not done it so we're gonna take 2d4 of sanity that's five yay okay so now we get to do some fucked up shit okay because you took five sanity damage in one go, first you do an intelligence roll, and you want to fail this roll. Oh, because you want to not understand what you're saying?

Yes, exactly. Whoa. I have 45 intelligence, and I rolled a 46. You barely succeeded. The chaos and entropy of human existence, of the universe, and all of its randomness tries to seep its way into your brain. But you're too fucking egocentric and stupid to see anything other than yourself.

I'm too focused on the role. You see yourself at the center of the fucking universe. So it has very little effect on you other than really fucking up your sanity. So go ahead and deliver the line if you want. The oaks will burn. Right? A weapon to end all wars. Metal gear.

That's an ad-lib. That's an accurate ad-lib. Wow. Man, he's really off the cuff. Let us embrace the random hand of fate in a firm handshake. You feel the lens let go of you, and Cthulhu from the depths goes like, that sucked.

Yeah. Okay, we'll let you know. Yeah. The casting director looks at you and goes like that was uh wait do you want should he roll for acting for how good the acting was do you have a art and craft acting okay yeah go ahead and make a roll for that i make a great success on that 23 yeah so you hear oh my gosh and you turn around and the casting assistant is going you know a lot of people come in here they say the words on the page but you you felt them i told you this was about randomness and

you randomly gave different emphasis to every single fucking word and you pulled in some nonsense about Metal Gear. I don't even know what that means, and I like it. That means it's a smart film. It was a solid performance. I was hideously impressed by it. I think you've got the role. Why?

Of course. Of course I got the role. What did you expect? Well, frankly, not that. So everybody else, as they look at you, they can see that you are monochrome, which means that you get an additional five points in your Cthulhu mythos skill,

which means that your maximum sanity also lowers by five. The casting assistant says, so what I need to do is hurry to the train station. So I've got these. And she pulls out some tickets for coach for the train to Tennessee. That's where we're shooting the climax.

That's where we need you. Ooh, look at this boys and girl. Quick, quick question. What was your name again? Robert. Nice to meet you. I put my hand out.

Slip me five, Jack. Yeah. She goes, Carrie Fisher, pleased to meet you. Carrie Fisher. Just a quick question. How come you

haven't informed the production company about all this? Oh, the director, you know, you know, Mr. Abrams, haven't informed the production company about all this? Oh, uh, the director, you know, you know, Mr. Abrams, he likes to be very, very cinema verite, very sort of by the seat of his pants. And we just don't want a lot of bureaucracy involved in this. So if you could maybe be fucking cool about it. Hey, Miss Fisher, uh, I was wondering if you guys need an understudy.

See, I come from the stage and I, while I haven't been an actor per se, I've been a lot of understudies and I'm really if you guys need an understudy. See, I come from the stage, and while I haven't been an actor per se, I've been a lot of understudies, and I'm really great at it. I can memorize lines. I can move real fast on the stage, and then I can even bow sometimes. That's right. Stampler, here's my understudy. This is my makeup girl, and this is my PA, my production lackey. I'm a line producer.

So I'm going to need tickets for all of us. Okay, okay. And she produces tickets for all of you. You boys Okay. And she produces tickets for all of you. You boys catch up. I'll be right there with you. More feminine needs. Yeah. I just, you know, there's there's. Yes, exactly. After they leave, I turn to the

casting director. All right, lady, listen up. Can I roll to overhear this? Yeah, you roll listen and you roll with advantage. Okay. I have a high listen because good acting is good listening. God almighty. I pass. Great. Okay. So whatever this is, you hear it. Okay. I have a high listen because good acting is good listening. God almighty. I pass. Great. Okay, so whatever this is, you hear it.

Okay. Stud, you are set up outside the door listening in? Yes. I think Rob and I are just hanging out outside and smoking. Okay. So you're by the fire escape too, or you're by the car? Probably closer to the car.

Okay. Okay, lady, listen up. My name ain't Sally Stipe, makeup girl. It's Russet, Hildy Russet, and I work for the San Dimas Defender. And I'm chasing down the story of the century. Now I'm wondering if I could get any quotes from you, either on background or in person, about this project. Oh, and she goes, ooh, that won't do. That won't do. Mr. Abrams insists on complete confidentiality until the film hits the streets. So I'm afraid not. And she begins to wipe the back of her forehead with the back of her hand.

And as she does, you can see that the color that you saw on her skin is, in fact, makeup. And it's coming off as she rubs the back of her head. And she is fully monochrome as she begins to sort of wipe the makeup away. Do you know you're black and white? And she goes, oh, yes, yes. She wraps her hands around your throat. And she says, this interview is going to have to be over. And she starts to strangle you.

Guys, guys, Hildy needs our help. Who's Hildy? Well, it's actually kind of a long story. And I feel kind of betrayed by it, to be honest. It's Sally. Sally needs our help. So Sally, roll a D100 for strength. See if you can get out of her grip.

Oh, wait. I can do my cool thing. Because you can pick hobbies. So Hildy's hobby. Getting choked consensually. Hildy's hobby is judo. Her father was a police officer and said that a young woman needs to learn how to look out for herself with a big city.

Great. So can I make a judo roll? Go ahead. Fuck. Yeah. So I have a 71 in judo. I rolled a 27. Holy shit.

Okay. So you hard success. So you just fucking describe what you do. I go, hi, and I flip the casting lady over on her back and i give her a judo chop to the neck great so you break out of the grip successfully and as she's on the ground she grabs the sides of her mouth and just starts pulling as hard as she can she does the joker she does yeah she did

yeah and it's great and for some reason critics love it so she starts pulling and her skin begins to tear around her mouth, and more of that black blood that you saw coming out of the editor comes out. She screams like, Actors, bring me this woman, and all of you get a starring role. The actors who were on the other entrance kick the fucking door in, and four of them see you, and they look down at her, and they look up at you, and they just start sprinting at you.

What do you do? Okay, do I have enough time to snap a quick photo before I sprint? If you do... Can I make a photography roll to see if I can do it quick enough? They'll make a speed roll, and if you take a picture,

they will get an advantage on their speed roll to catch you. The photography roll is just for the quality of the picture. Do it when you get in the car. Get in the car and then take a picture. I got a great shot of her in front of the thing. This is where the picture is.

All right, I'm dedicated to the story. I'm going to go for it. All right, go for it. Hell yeah. Shit, I failed. Terrible picture. So you take a DA. Can I spend luck? Yes, you can. Oh, I forgot about luck. So the way the luck works is you can spend luck in order to improve any dice roll. But that means if I ever ask you to make a luck roll, then it's going to be a lot harder for you to pass it the more luck that you use on other rolls. I have 75 luck. So I'm going to spend, I guess, 17 luck to click the shot to get a regular ass photo to get a normal photo of a crazy fucking scene. Okay. So you got the photo and because you succeeded on your photography role, that means you don't have to

take the full sanity damage. You only take a D4 of sanity damage. And I'm just going to roll for you because I have a D4. You take three sanity damage. So'm just gonna roll for you because i have a d4 you take three sanity damage so the cultures are gonna roll with advantage to try to get to you so you're gonna roll your dodge and they're gonna roll their dexterity oh five five oh you got an extreme because you lucky piece of shit they got a hard success and i was so ready for you to get fucked but no you barely managed to start running i'm outside but i'm gonna hold the door open hearing the like gate that s Sally has compared to the... Oh, shit. That's great.

So you make it through the exit. Shut the door! Because I see a stud next to the door. So stud, why don't you make a strength check? Nice, 22. 22, okay. I love it. So you manage to slam the door shut

just as Hildy manages to make it through. You slam the door, and the cultists all collide with the door, which buys you another moment essentially to start running. Robert, honk the horn. I'm going to grab a star. Oh, that works better. I was going to use the horn to like find the car. Okay, cool.

So you're running to the car. They bust the door open, but now there are two locations behind you. I'm going to hold the door open for these guys. And then I feel like start the car, start the car. They bust the door open, but now there are two locations behind you. I'm going to hold the door open for these guys, and then I feel like, start the car, start the car! Hurry up, guys! And go! And we all hop in and speed off. So you drive away, and you see the cultists receding into the distance. I'm going to snap one

more photo as they're chasing the car. Okay, go ahead. This is going to be at the end of the whole show. It's going to be like, the lens cap was on. I'm terrified it's a shitty photo. Hey, I couldn't help but start. How come you called Sally there Hildy? Yeah. How come, Sally?

I mean, Hildy? Oh, boy. Just to clarify, guys, I called Sally that because I heard that her name was Hildy, but I'm asking right now why her name is Hildy. Hildy? All right, boys. Settle her name is Hildy. Hildy! All right, boys.

Settle down. I've got a story to tell you. There was a time when you could read between the lines You know they never brought you down. There wasn't a box and you weren't thinking anyway. So you never brought you down. And I know, I know, I know it's gonna be alright. You've just heard Chapter 1 of At the Mountains of Dadness, casting call of Cthulhu.

Matt Arnold played Robert Wilson, Will Campos played Hilde Russet, Beth May played Stud Stampler, and Freddie Wong played Meryl Streep. Anthony Burch is our DM. Theme music by Maxton Waller with Wes Smith on clarinet, tenor, and baritone sax, Cameron Johnson on trumpet,

Justin Kirk on trombone, Eric Sittner on upright bass, and Charles Ruggiero on drums. Song was recorded by Eric Sampson at Wildflower Recorders. And a special thanks to all of our Patreon supporters for making this possible. Thank you for listening, and we'll see you next time.

Tell them how it's gonna be guitar solo Gonna be alright Oh, alright Gonna be alright. Oh, alright. It's gonna be alright. Oh, alright. It's gonna be alright. Oh, alright. Oh, alright.

Let me tell you something. If this piece of shit blew planet, if this thing ever hits theaters, it's gonna be the worst disaster since the Titanic. In fact, I feel like I should go out to the fucking Atlantic Ocean and toss it into the ocean to be with worst disaster since the Titanic. In fact, I feel like I should go out to the fucking Atlantic Ocean and toss it into the ocean to be with the ruins of the Titanic because that's how bad this goddamn script is. And R.L. Stine calls over his assistant and hands the script to him and says like, hey, you heard what I said. If they're not back in time,

I want you to take this out to the ruins of the Titanic, put it in a waterproof bag, and then throw it over the side of the boat to be with the ruins of the Titanic.