Dungeons and Daddies - BONUS: Dad Then There Were None

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

Get tickets to Beth's show!This is part 1 of a Patreon-exclusive miniseries that you will hopefully like so much you'll want to hear the rest! The year is 1935, and an eclectic group of guests is abou...t to board a blimp on a midnight voyage from London to Greece where, unbeknownst to most of them, there will be a MURDER! Guest starring Amanda Schuckman, Riley Rose Critchlow, and Elyse Willems.Season 2 resumes next ep!This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content.You can purchase the entire three-part series on Patreon, or just become a supporter at any level!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Sledge Baby Valet is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Agent Straighten Arrow is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Hause Emdee is Beth May (@heybethmay)Billy Millions is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Belinda Nightingale is Amanda Schuckman (@eruditechick)Barbara Boopsy is Riley Rose Critchlow (@rileyroseCritch)Dorothy "Dot" Brady is Elyse Willems (@elysewillems)Brian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 We can wait for clean water solutions, or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures, or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth, or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. you part one and a little bit of part two from a Patreon exclusive miniseries, Dad, Then There Were None, a dadditha Christy whodadit, which is a murder mystery set on an airship featuring the daddies cast along with special guests Amanda Schuckman, Riley Rose Critchlow, and Elise Willems. This is just one of many miniseries that we've done on our Patreon. Our first was a prequel horror campaign called At the Mountains of Dadness. That's Hella Cthulhu. We did a Star Wars
Starting point is 00:01:02 miniseries called All That Jizz, which is what they call jazz music and star wars and disney tried to say that that's not what they call jazz music but they're wrong we the fans decide that and guess what it's called jizz we also did a hysterical regency romance miniseries called sons and sons ability that somehow went even more unhinged than even we who are you know internet perverts had anticipated you can find all those at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads where you can download them for a digital download fee. Or if you're a smarty pants, you'll simply join the Patreon at the $5 tier and get all those main series as well as hours upon hours of bonus content as part of your subscription. Support the podcast directly get ad free episodes patreon.com slash dungeons and dads and Oh, Beth, Beth has something to say. Thank you, Freddie. Well, I'm here with some tea, some hot goss, the lowdown. No, nobody's getting divorced. Nobody's pregnant. But I am doing a one-woman show here in LA. That will be November 10th, 11th, and 12th at the Lyric Hyperion. Tiny little theater so tickets going fast. Maybe you're like, Beth, what the frick are
Starting point is 00:02:05 you doing a one-woman show about? Well, I will pull up the little blurb here. Join Beth May as she takes you on a rip-roaring comedy adventure all about dot dot dot killing herself. This autobiographical one-woman show puts you in the splash zone of death and delusion as Beth journeys through her struggle with bipolar disorder, but like in a funny way. Through the bizarre highs and perilous lows, Beth knits comedy and drama together to find the scariest thing of all, a future full of hope. So yeah, maybe you're like, wow, that sounds like it's not for me. Go with God, live on, rock on with your bad self. That's totally fine. But if you're like, wow, that sounds like it's not for me. Go with God, live on, rock on with your bad self. That's totally fine. But if you're like, oh, that sounds tight. You can check out the link
Starting point is 00:02:50 to tickets. I think it will be in the description for this episode. So if you click on that, you can get tickets. Again, this is November 10th, 11th and 12th. It will be funny. I know it sounds like it's not going to be a funny thing at all, but I think it will be very funny, really fun. And I'm super proud and excited to be doing it. So hope to see you there. We're back to our usual schedule after this. So our next season two episode will be November 7th. And now, Dad, Then There Were None, a daddith of Christy, who dadded? Welcome to Dad, Then There Were None. It sounds weird when I say it that way. Dad, Then There Were None. Welcome to Dad, Then There Were None.
Starting point is 00:03:36 A Dad of the Christie whodadit. A podcast that we're doing for you, for your enjoyment. It's a whodunit. Not for ours. No, this is not for us. You better be thankful. So, the year is 1935 and a blimp is about to lift off and on that blimp will be a murder.
Starting point is 00:03:50 And we are going to meet the murderer and the other non-murderers very quickly. This is just like Alfred Hitchcock. This is his movie. So, there's a guy and he's got a hotel and this girl, she steals money. She's not the main character. I mean, she seems like she's the main character. I roll to stop the murder.
Starting point is 00:04:07 It was over really fast. So why don't we really quickly introduce the cast we have? Because it's more than just the normal stupid daddy's cast that you've grown so tired of. It's new sexy guests that you've actually heard on other episodes of the podcast before. But you'll be so happy to have them back. Hi, my name's Matt. Off to a lovely start. You were a guest this whole time.
Starting point is 00:04:25 It's me. Freddie's here too, everybody. Hello, Amanda Schuckman from that other thing we did that was good. Yay! I'm Riley Rose Critchlow. I've never been here before. But you have been on your own D&D podcast that is trying to fucking chomp our audience Seems like I know who's going to get murdered.
Starting point is 00:04:42 I'm here from Real Housewives of Dungeons and Dragons and also Anime Crime Submission. I'm Beth May, one of the sexiest Beth Mays to ever be on this podcast. I'm Will Campos. Some may say the sexiest Will Campos. There's another guy that was a councilman somewhere, but he got arrested for taking bribes. So he's on my Goog searches.
Starting point is 00:05:01 That is kind of sexy. It is sexy. It's unfortunately sexier than me. I'm Elise Willems. I've been known to give out a bribe here and there. Prost to a councilman. And I have been on Dungeons and Daddies before. And really love it.
Starting point is 00:05:15 Erica Dripens. Erica Dripens. Erica Dripens. Don't stop. So we are using a bespoke made up system for this murder mystery. I don't know how long it'll last. My suspicion is that this will last for about three episodes. This is going to be a trilogy.
Starting point is 00:05:27 And I'm just going to go ahead and jump right into it, and I will explain the rules as we go. It's like a tutorial on a video game. Yeah, I love it. So the first thing all of you need to do is jump over a waist high barricade. Oh, there's a thing that falls in front of you. The second thing you need to do is crouch under a head high barricade. The lights of London flicker in the darkness of the eventide,
Starting point is 00:05:43 the brisk wind bringing a chill to your face. You stand on a launch pad owned by Hales Airways, a blimp transportation company on its very last legs. The most comfortable and attractive blimps are generally filled with dozens upon dozens of guests, all of the upper crust, the creme de la creme. But on this midnight voyage from London to Greece, there are only 10 passengers, two of which are NPCs and don't matter. And one of those will be soon dead anyway. Some of you are aboard the blimp already, and some of you are stepping aboard for the first time. Who would like to describe themselves and where they are first? Speaking into a dictaphone, which is a thing, I think,
Starting point is 00:06:12 brooding on the edge of the dock, you hear the steely-jawed voice say, Memorandum, United States Postal Inspector's Service, Agent Straighten Arrow on the case. As I stare out at this brooding mysterious night i can think only of my mission and the way that i want to make sure it gets done for the good of the usps itself so much hangs on the balance tonight and i'm so glad that i have my colt 45 revolver with me packed with ammunition ready to dispense justice at a moment's notice for the greater
Starting point is 00:06:42 good of the united states postal service god. God bless America and the mail. Thank you for your service. You just walk on with anything back then, huh? Yep. You know what I'm saying? The TSA does not exist yet. And even if they did, the Postal Service has jurisdiction over them. Dorothy Dot Brady, star of the silent pictures, she stands at the dock looking out over the misty water,
Starting point is 00:07:01 holding a script with torn, tattered pages in her hand, twisting it between her white gloves. Her scarf blows from her neck toward the horizon, and from her bag, she pulls another scarf, ties it around her neck to replace it. Dorothy's a little bit nervous. After a string of box office bombs, she's at risk of being dropped by her studio. This balloon may very well save her career.
Starting point is 00:07:24 You'll see a tall, scruffy, ragged looking guy. He's holding an adorable puppy, trying to talk his way. What kind of puppy? It's an alopeicus. Oh, great. It's very important. Matt asked everyone how to pronounce that before we started recording. And he goes, look, I'm supposed to be on this plane. My name's Sledge Valet. That's right. Sledge Valet. Last name, Valet, because I don't have a last name. That's just what I am. I was dropped off at a fire station when I was a kid with nothing but a blanket and a sledgehammer. That's how I got my name. Sledge. Middle name, Baby. But don't call me that because I'm not a baby anymore.
Starting point is 00:08:00 Unless you want one right between your eyes. That's right. I hate when it's a sledgehammer. But I have to find one because I don't carry sledgehammers anymore. I only carry this little pup this beautiful little Papa named Asa It's an alopecia wait Like la vista Yeah, it's the doctor the thin man Look it's not my dog. I know I don't look rich. This is a dog of my masters, Mr. and Mrs. Downton Abbey. And I'll tell you what,
Starting point is 00:08:27 they just want this little Greek puppy because it's an alopecus, which is a rare Greek dog. And they want this dog. They want this dog to taste the air and the ground from which it came. And I'm a dog walker. That's what I am.
Starting point is 00:08:40 I'm just a dog walker for rich people up in Sunderland. Before we started recording, Riley was like, I don't know how I'm going to get all my backstory out. That's how you do it. You just say it all. Take those notes back to housewives.
Starting point is 00:08:53 So please, let me on this blimp. You're welcomed on this blimp because you have a ticket. It was bought for you by Mr. and Mrs. Downton Abbey. It's actually a Downton Abbey because they're Italian. A Downton Abbey. This is so multicultural. Yeah. That's reallybey. It's actually a Downton Abbey because they're Italian. A Downton Abbey. Yes. Thank you. This is so multicultural. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:07 That's really fun. All right. Speaking of culture, Belinda Nightingale is a imposing woman dressed sort of in the spirit of the Grand Dames
Starting point is 00:09:15 of the 1920s. A lot of long flowing robes and extremely tasteful and only slightly problematic turban who arrives. Slightly. Okay. It is.
Starting point is 00:09:23 Let's not pretend it's not. It is. But only a little. No longer the great beauty she was in her youth, but still a handsome woman of some stature. She is a vocal coach who has been sent by a movie studio to make sure that when she touches down on the other side, Dot Brady is ready to move gracefully and grandly onto the next
Starting point is 00:09:45 stage of her career. Or disappear. Not in a murder way, just in a from the silver screen way. Okay, so this is how I want to introduce myself, because my character's rich. We couldn't do it. And hot. And hot. And really cool.
Starting point is 00:10:01 Super smart. No complaints. As you know, this is a holdover from this era. First class gets to board first, right? I think that's still true. Yeah, still true. Does that even apply to blimps, too? Why can't blimps have classes?
Starting point is 00:10:15 Which is what Billy Millions would say. That was right. The name of one of Karl Marx's less well-known words. Billy Millions. Hey, it's me. Now, here's the time. What was the series of one of those? Billy Millions! Hey, it's me! Now, here's the thing. Here's the thing. You don't see Billy Millions.
Starting point is 00:10:30 You just hear rumors. You hear whispers because Billy Millions, as he'll, you know, no doubt get into, is perhaps a distant Vanderbilt cousin. He has literally millions of dollars. And if you squint,
Starting point is 00:10:43 you look back at the book, you squint, you see a well-dressed, three-piece suit guy waving at everyone. But can we hear him because of the coins shaking in his pockets? No, no, no, it's just the jingle. It's very, very metallic. But you can see a guy with a martini
Starting point is 00:10:57 already enjoying himself in the dining car. But the first class section of the dining car. Is that a section that he's just established for himself and it's like this is where the first class section of the dining car. Is that a section that he's just established for himself and is like, this is where the first class section is, or it actually exists? So you're just waiting at us? It's a folding car table. Billy Millions is already bored, but you get whispers and hints. Question, do blimps have cars?
Starting point is 00:11:15 They have compartments. They have compartments. I pet ass, I say, someday, pup, you and me, that's what we're going to be like. The guy in the window flips you off. Oh. So, does's what we're going to be like. The guy in the window flips you off. Oh. So does Matt's character then have to go below deck on the blimp and if we hit the ground, he hits it first? Yeah, I'm with the luggage, actually.
Starting point is 00:11:36 They bought me a really cheap ticket, yeah. They bought you a big bag. Actually, they bought me one of those tags. No, I have one of those tags for luggage. That's what I have. Okay, would you rather not be in one of the sleeping cars than you want to be in the luggage car? Can I be? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:48 There is a luggage car. Everybody just make sure to cross out his name and write it into the luggage car then. Great. Excellent. So to explain before we meet our intrepid detectives, who will meet each other for the first time on this blimp, we are all actually looking at a little map that we will probably post to the Patreon. It's not super complicated. Just imagine a clock that's divided into six segments. Basically, this blimp is a circular map
Starting point is 00:12:07 where each slice of the pie sort of connects to two adjoining slices. There are two sleeping cars, a dining car, a balcony car, a luggage car, and an engine room. And you're not gonna have to worry too much about the specifics until they become obvious, but we are gonna be referring to the map on occasion, so worry not.
Starting point is 00:12:23 Now, without further ado, let's meet our detectives who will, as per the rules of old classic Agatha Christie stories, will not be the killers. And you can trust whatever they say. Yeah, you can. That's nice. For once. There is a stoic figure outside the blimp getting ready to board emotionally, staring out at the open water and a bridge and some smokestacks there was a lot of like not good for the environment stuff going back on 1935 as i recall his name is house md spell that for me h-a-u-s space e-m-d-U-S, space, E-M-D-E-E.
Starting point is 00:13:05 German? No. He's American. Yes, he looks out at the water, and then his eyes catch what's in his hands. A piece of a notepad, if you will, a little scribble, nothing much. It looks to the naked eye like maybe a fish, but you think, hmm, it resembles the blimp in a way, doesn't it? Hmm, yes, it does. Curious.
Starting point is 00:13:31 And before House's eyes flash the departed dead face of his ex-partner, Wilson Phillips, House decides to board the blimp, and there's a person outside collecting tickets, and the person... Yeah, his name is Porter. And his name is Porter. Sorry, his name is Cole. He's Cole the Porter. He's named Cole the Porter. And Cole asks...
Starting point is 00:13:54 Go for it. Hi, sir. How are you? And House says, I'll be asking the question. Great. And Porter Cole once again realizes he needs to find a better job. And the final detective.
Starting point is 00:14:08 Yes. Off in the distance running to, she's late for the takeoff, which you don't want to, because once it's up there, what are you going to do? So it's Barbara Boopsy, who for most of her young adult life went by bootlegger Barb. She's big in Prohibition, which, you know, since is no longer, so she's a little bit lost. She's well-dressed in, like, upper-crust sort of latest fashions skirt suit situation, but looks really uncomfortable in it. Like, that is not the type of thing she normally wears.
Starting point is 00:14:39 Curly, frizzy, like, red hair sticking out of a little hat, dragging a very, very heavy trunk behind her that, thunks and like dust kind of comes out of it as she's like hurrying to make this blimp. She comes running up. She's got big Coke bottle glasses and she notices entering the bridge just ahead of her. And she's, hello, hi, Barb Boopsy. So, so nice to meet you.
Starting point is 00:14:59 You might be familiar with my father, a famed detective, Bernard Boopsy. Betty Boop. Yes. Oh, I'm close. I think that's my mother maybe that you're referring to, but it's so, so nice to meet you. I just wanted to introduce myself and say if there's anything you need, anything at all, I'm right here. You a cop?
Starting point is 00:15:16 Oh, well, you know, I never really got into the family business. It just, my father said it didn't suit me very well. So I wasn't invited in like all of my brothers. But since I found myself sort of on hard times, he said maybe I could come. Boopsie, let me give you a tip, babe. Why don't you talk less and ask more questions? Oh, yeah, sure. No, absolutely. You're so right. It's like you really need to get to know people if you want them to like you. So what was your name again? Where are you going? Where were you just? Have you been here before? I said I asked the questions. Great. All right.
Starting point is 00:15:49 So this murder mystery is going to follow the 10 rules of murder mysteries as written by Ronald Knox in the early part of the 20th century. I'm going to very quickly recite them to you. And I apologize for number five. We know them, but remind us. You do not have to write them down.
Starting point is 00:16:05 They're just going to be easy things that are going to remove possibility space for you in terms of figuring out who the murderer is. Number one, the criminal must be someone mentioned in the early part of the story, but must not be anyone whose thoughts the reader has been allowed to follow, as in first person perspective. Number two, all supernatural or preternatural agencies are ruled out as a matter of course. No werewolves. No werewolves. I throw my silver bullets off. Number three, not more than one secret room
Starting point is 00:16:27 or passage is allowable. Number four, no hitherto undiscovered poisons may be used, nor any appliance which will need a long scientific explanation at the end. I do,
Starting point is 00:16:35 I am carrying the big book of hitherto undiscovered poisons with me. Well, you can read it for fun. As a reference manual, yeah, yeah. Number five, no Chinaman main figure
Starting point is 00:16:43 in the story. Number six. Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is, no Chinaman main figure in the story. Number six. Wait, what? Wait, what? What is that a real rule? That's a real rule. All right, Freddie. Well, okay, I guess I'll just record engineer this one.
Starting point is 00:16:54 Wait. Damn. I apologize in advance. I'll tell you exactly why. It's because we were too good at fucking killing. Yeah, it's like the audience was like, too easy. The Chinaman, clearly! Those masters of assassination! Number six, no accident must ever help the
Starting point is 00:17:09 detective, nor must he ever have an unaccountable intuition which proves to be right. I mean, we're gonna be rolling dice, so that will probably still happen. So the detective can't ever just get lucky? Just get lucky. Number seven, the detective must not himself commit the crime. Number eight, the detective must not light on any clues which are not instantly produced for the inspection of the reader. So that means we can't find anything
Starting point is 00:17:27 and keep it to ourselves? Yes, which wouldn't even be possible in this structure, so don't worry. Speak for yourself. Number nine, and I guess you get to decide who this is referring to, detectives. The stupid friend of the detective, the Watson, must not conceal any thoughts which pass through his mind. His intelligence must be slightly but very slightly below that of the average reader. It's obviously going to be you. This is an incredible list. This guy was a priest. We can thumb wrestle for it.
Starting point is 00:17:56 I wonder who it's going to be. Number 10 and final. Twin brothers and doubles generally must not appear unless we have been duly prepared for them. Or a prestige. Yes, no prestiging. Yeah. Can we all agree here?
Starting point is 00:18:06 No prestige? All right. Twins on the table, everyone. Who's got a hidden twin? I was going to reveal that was actually the dog. It's a dog. Two puppies? My first question, is that a werewolf?
Starting point is 00:18:17 No, it can't be. Oh. It's a alopecus. Okay. I can plug it with a silver bullet if you want to make sure. Porter Cole takes your luggage to the luggage car and ushers you all, which ones of you are here anyway, into the dining car. In the dining car, you see the most German man you've ever seen in your entire life drinking a big beer out of a glass boot. The Hitler?
Starting point is 00:18:45 No, he's not the most German guy you've ever seen. He's an Austrian Drinking a big beer out of a glass boot. The Hitler? No, he's not the most German guy you've ever seen. He's Austrian. He's like the opposite. Okay. Okay, well that was... Valid question. Valid question. I think I know who the murderer is.
Starting point is 00:18:53 He is pleasantly rotund. He is balding. He has a monocle. He has a hearty attitude. Huge, thick mustache. Thick mustache. He exudes a sense of like, please don't talk to me. And he is drinking a beer.
Starting point is 00:19:04 And he sees you all coming in. And he stands to attention very quickly and nods and then sits back down as if to welcome you in. But then does not continue talking to you. Shortly after that, another man walks in, a man in a three piece suit who carries himself with a great deal of arrogance. He is waving at you and he says, ah, welcome. I was waiting for you to get on board so we could take off. Finally, dinner is about to be served. Let's eat. And he sits down and Porter Cole is going to start fixing the food because he's the only guy who works here other than the captain on the bridge and the bridge hands and the people in
Starting point is 00:19:34 the engine room. While you are in the bridge, if you would like to perform a scene or anything like that, because as the audience should know, each of you has some sort of goal that is not murder centric that you are trying to accomplish while on this blimp to make the mystery a little bit more confusing because you might be doing shady things for your own reason or it might be for the murder. So if there is something you want to do, people you want to meet, something you want to say before we get properly underway and somebody gets got, feel free. Well, Belinda strides immediately over to Dot and sort of tosses one of several scars over her shoulder and says, Miss Brady. Hello. Hello. Dot's keeping a very low profile on this blimp and her voice is kind of low.
Starting point is 00:20:15 Do I know you? You will very soon. The studio has sent me to get you ready for your next role in the hope of saving your career, as much as you can have a career in film. But that's neither here nor there. I want you to know that this is not going to be a pleasure cruise, miss. This is going to be a working trip. I am going to retire to our cabins and make sure that we are supplied with a reasonable amount of salt water for gargling
Starting point is 00:20:41 and a lot of lobster pots of boiling water to act as humidifiers because they haven't really invented those yet. And you, my dear, are going to be a real star when I am done.
Starting point is 00:20:54 Well, uh, that all sounds delictiful. Um... I, uh... Yes, I'm... I'm quite interested in revitalizing my career. You know, the transition from the silent films to the tackies has been quite difficult for me.
Starting point is 00:21:10 She does in tackies. The nuns that raised me certainly didn't prepare me for speaking in the midst of their vow of silence. And it's been quite a dreadful experience. Holy shit. I'm also going to get quite a lot of whiskey for me. And I will see you later. Oh, God. Make it two glasses. Oh, what did you say your name was?
Starting point is 00:21:38 Belinda Nightingale. Oh, Belinda. It is so wonderful to meet you. I'm so grateful for your help. Yeah, sure. Yeah, well, yes. Well, yes, whiskey. Delightful.
Starting point is 00:21:50 Eat something. And she throws a different scarf around her neck the other direction and heads off for our sleeping cars to really question her life choices. Go out night. And then Dot catches herself. She says, keep it to yourself, Dot. Keep it to yourself. As the blimp takes off, Porter Cole serves dinner to all those guests who are remaining in the dining car.
Starting point is 00:22:10 Excuse me. Can you just put this in a bowl for my pup? And maybe just two bowls would be nice. Just one for me and one for the dog. And can I get to the luggage room as soon as possible, if you don't mind? You wish to get to the luggage room. Yes, I need to take my pup and my bag here. Just this big, heavy bag. Nothing's in it. Just get to the luggage room yes i need to take my pop and my bag here it's just
Starting point is 00:22:25 this big heavy bag nothing's in it just get to the luggage room as soon as possible i just feel safer in a you know a place that feels like a back alley which is where i was raised well uh okay that's a lot of information according to the the rules of air transport i must be the one to take your luggage to the luggage car you can come with me that's fine uh you yes you may join me as i take your things to the luggage car. Well, I'll hold on to it as well. Go ahead and give me a roll. 16.
Starting point is 00:22:49 All right. So he goes, of course, I'm not paid enough to argue this much. So yes, we shall away. And he heads with you into the luggage car.
Starting point is 00:22:56 Is there anything you'd like to do while you're in there? Or do you just want to drop the stuff off? I put the bowl down and I go, oh, Asta, enjoy that meal. It's been a while.
Starting point is 00:23:03 We don't get meat this good this often. And I start also eating from the pole next to my dog. Oh, my God. What's the dog's read on the situation? Oh, the dog's happy. The dog's wagging his tail. Portico goes, so that's how it is in their family.
Starting point is 00:23:14 And he walks away. Excuse me? And I stand up. I go, what did you say? I said, oh, that's how it is in their family. I don't have a family. I've never had a family. It's just you and me, pup.
Starting point is 00:23:26 And I'd go back to eating. He just maintains eye contact with you as he closes the door behind him. Open mouth kiss your dog. No! I just love my dog. Straight and narrow is going to approach House MD. Where is House right now? Staring wistfully out the window, but also staring at the note card in his hand.
Starting point is 00:23:44 The one that looks like the blimp or maybe a fish. Interesting. With a little bit of blood on it. A single tear rolling down his face. Strayton is going to sidle up and light up a cigarette and say, House MD? You think you can smoke in here?
Starting point is 00:23:59 Can I? I think so. I think so. I think you're all good. I think you're good to go. Well, well, well. Mr. HouseMD, I just want you to know I'm a big fan of your work. And what work is that? I read your book, Criminal Forensic Investigation for the Average Gumshoe Detective, published by Random House last year. Both of you to assume I can write. But yes, I did.
Starting point is 00:24:21 I did. I published a book. I thought your insights into the criminal mind were quite fascinating. We studied them a lot over at the, and I casually flash my badge, United States Postal Inspection Service. Mmm, yes, yes, yes. Is that the female body inspection? All right, that's right, so cut it short.
Starting point is 00:24:40 I don't like you. You don't like me. We postal service guys don't have time for you two-bit gumshoes snooping around the place. And I just need you to know I'm on an official postal service inspection business. There's a German stamp counterfeiter by the name of the dead letter. And he's on this blimp somewhere and I'm going to hunt him down. So you just stay out of my way, house. Well. Or we're going to have a problem.
Starting point is 00:25:01 As it happens, I'm here on an investigation of my own. Really? Yes, my partner. My partner, Wilson, he died. Tragically. Well, unless he died in a manila envelope and was sent to Cancun, then postal service business takes precedent, fucko. Is this not paper I'm holding?
Starting point is 00:25:18 I don't see a stamp on that paper. I don't see a signed, sealed, addressed envelope on that piece of paper. Do you not write letters on paper? If you want to write a letter and mail it, then you can do that. This is like
Starting point is 00:25:29 His Girl Friday. My mother is Lady Liberty and she works for the United States Postal Service. Maybe so, maybe so. I just want you to know that I have a very
Starting point is 00:25:42 tragic backstory. Okay, well, you're not the only one, pal. Okay, bum. All right, I think I begrudgingly respect you now. Watch out, and don't get in my way. And if you see me asking any questions, try to suss out whether anyone's German.
Starting point is 00:25:54 I'll be asking the questions. I'll be asking the questions. Sorry, I have a quick question. Please do. We'll be asking the questions. Who does have jurisdiction in the skies? God. God, yeah. To the skies? God. God.
Starting point is 00:26:06 To the angels. God works for the United States Postal Service. The very German man hears this conversation. He sees the turn beet red and he stands up and goes, I say good day. And he walks away out of the dining car. Sounds like that man had to do a poopy. Sounded like that man had to do a German poopy. And I go off to follow him to the bathroom.
Starting point is 00:26:25 Great. And I think both of you bump into, like, without even realizing, Billy Miller! Hey! And I go, hey, I'm walking here! And my drink gets sloshed. I'd like another drink! Go take it up with the porter, rich boy. What are these? Listen, you think because you're flashing your
Starting point is 00:26:41 gums and you're a egg and butt, I had it, hold on, hold on, let me give you another chance. Go ahead, take it again. Just because you're flashing your gums and you're a egg and butter... Hold on, hold on. Let me give you an example. Go ahead. Take it again. Just because you're flashing your gums and you're a butter and egg man, you can push the rest of us around? We don't go for that. Over here at the Postal Service, everyone pays 13 cents for their stamps where I'm from, mister.
Starting point is 00:26:58 So take your three-piece suit and your million-dollar smile and get out of my way. Will has a website open called Dirty 30s, which is not what I expected. smiling, get out of my way. Will has a website open called Dirty 30s, which is not what I expected. As a member of the Postal Service, you must be familiar with heights great such as these. Such great heights if you will.
Starting point is 00:27:15 Billy Millions just scoffs and he runs his fucking hands through his perfect hair and he goes like, eggs and butter. Yeah, I haven't had eggs and butter for ages. We rich people don't have any of that shit.
Starting point is 00:27:29 What do rich people have? Better eggs. Quail eggs. Whale eggs? Ostrich eggs from the deep, dark Africa. Careful there. There's something to be careful about.
Starting point is 00:27:42 It's the 1930s. Everyone on the boat kind of turns and looks. We're not on a boat. We're on a ship. It's an airboat. Cut all that. And yak butter from deep, dark Tibet. I have a
Starting point is 00:27:58 butter time yakking with someone else, so I'll bet you can do it. But wait, are you German? No. Oh, God. Not of the Germanics. Not the ones who started World War I? I'll be watching to death. But wait, are you German? No. Oh, God, not of the Germanic, not the ones who started World War I? Did they? Yes. I'll be watching you, Fritz.
Starting point is 00:28:09 I have nothing to do with the Kaiser. And I walk away. Porter Cole approaches you, Billy Millions. And I gesture for another drink. And he goes, yes, of course, sir, but did you want me to lock those rubies of yours up in the safe? Oh, yes.
Starting point is 00:28:20 Your jewelry, it seems to be rather... Yes, yes, yes. I mean, you're going to need to hang hang on to yes, the best safe you have and then take that safe. Put it in another safe. Double safe. We don't have multiple safes. That seems like
Starting point is 00:28:34 an oversight on your part. I'll have a word with the captain. I'll come back. I will have a word with the captain. I'll come back for them. I will have a word
Starting point is 00:28:40 with the captain and I'm like right on your heels. At that, the remaining guy in the three piece suit. Nobody's talked to him. So he just goes back to his sleeping car. The blimp is in the air. But you see through the windows, you see that you are heading towards a thundercloud and you hear the voice of the captain through the loudspeaker was on the bridge, which is basically a floor above all of you in all the spaces. You'll probably spend most of the time in.
Starting point is 00:29:05 How is it that we're on a bridge when there's no water, bub? You hear Billy Millions just being like, I can't hear anything! Is this normal? What? Because when you get higher up your ears, the pressure... Oh. He goes, I would recommend chewing a good bit of Wrigley's gum, my friend. What? This is Captain
Starting point is 00:29:21 Falcon up here on the bridge, and I just wanted to give everybody a great how do you do for being on this maiden voyage of the, oh shit I didn't even name the blimp. Well, you're on the blimp. What's the name of the blimp? Quick, quick, quick team. Blimpies. I'm so glad you're on blimpies. Just to let you know we're heading for a little bit
Starting point is 00:29:37 of a rough patch in the sky. If the power goes out for a while, worry not. We've still got our boys working in the engine room. We've got three generators all around the ship keeping us powered. So the light show will only be for a little bit. And as he says while, worry not. We've still got our boys working in the engine room. We've got three generators all around the ship keeping us powered. So the light show will only be for a little bit. And as he says that, lightning strikes. And all the lights go out. It doesn't hit the blimp.
Starting point is 00:29:53 So the rules for this are going to be, you are all in different parts of the cabin. I've given you little figurines so you can mark where you are in the blimp. Go ahead and mark where you think you start once the lights go out. Everybody can move two spaces and do one action or three spaces. You can spend that extra action on a move. Basically, a space is any connected part of the blimp.
Starting point is 00:30:14 All the parts of the blimp are connected to each other. I'm looking now on the map and I forgot to put a door on the balcony. There should be a door there. So you should be able to go between the dining car and the balcony. That's my bad. Okay.
Starting point is 00:30:23 The only doors that are locked are the ones to the engine room, which you'll find out if for some reason you wanted to go there. What we are going to do is because if you are a murderer, I don't want you saying what you're doing aloud to anybody. You are going to discord me what you are going to do while the lights are out. And then if you are in the same room as somebody else, we will do a scene of it because somebody is witnessing you.
Starting point is 00:30:42 We all tell you what we're doing. Yes. You are all going to discord me what you are doing, where you move to, and then what you do while you're there. Except for... Except for the detectives. The detectives, you can tell me right now, actually, while everybody's typing, what you intend to do when the power goes out. So, take it away, detectives. I think that
Starting point is 00:30:56 when Captain Falcon said, like, maiden voyage, House is like, interesting! I saw men on this ship. Made in voyage indeed. Something is afoot. I am going to go to the
Starting point is 00:31:11 engine room. Okay. And so I try to do that. Okay, so you go from the dining car to the luggage car where the door to the engine room is and you're going to try to open the engine room door and you find that it is locked. Even more suspicious. Barbara Boopsy has been in the dining car this whole time. She was kind of trying to strike up a conversation with somebody, but nobody
Starting point is 00:31:31 really seemed to want to talk to her. So she's just been sitting at her own table going like, as people like walk past her. And then the lights all go out and she remembers that her dad told her to like watch out for anything suspicious but it's like she's a pretty anxious person so it's hard to really tell what's suspicious or what just like makes her anxious so she's like second guessing herself a lot the lights go out like is this a thing that my dad warned me about is it not but she decides in the darkness to try and go into the kitchen because she would like to snoop in the larder which means that you are going to see as you move through kitchen, just barely through the dimness of the kitchen,
Starting point is 00:32:05 you can see Dot moving from the sleeping car into the dining car. And you can't quite make out what she's doing, but you see her very notable, visually beautiful, audially horrific visage walking through. I think Barb's going to try and be like, hey, but not really loud enough as she goes by.
Starting point is 00:32:21 Is someone there? Oh, yeah, it's me. Hi, Barb Boopsy. Wow, it's pretty dark in here, huh? Oh, yes. I was just in my sleep car and, oh well, you know, my lungs, they're so sensitive, so I had to come back here to get my prescription cigarettes. You know, I just so happen to be in the kitchen. I assume you're just in a different room and we're yelling to each other, but little known fact. Potatoes are actually a pretty good medicinal, they've got medicinal properties. So if you wanted to get off the cigarettes and try some potatoes, I would make that recommendation. Oh, well, that's quite wonderful to hear.
Starting point is 00:32:56 I love a potato. Or a potato, I'm not sure. In the luggage room, currently both Sledge and House are in that room. So if there's anything you want to do with Sledge, you are woken up when House comes in trying to open the door to the engine room. I was sleeping on top of my big piece of luggage and curled up next to Asta. Sledge. What's the dog story? What? It's a dog.
Starting point is 00:33:19 From Greece. I'll be asking the questions. Hey, who's a good boy? Asta's a good boy. Asta be asking the questions. Oh, okay. Hey, who's a good boy? Oh, Asta's a good boy. Asta's the best boy. Asta's the best boy I've ever had. Asta's such a good boy. Every day I look at Asta and I think it should just be me and this boy.
Starting point is 00:33:36 Hmm. Halst writes down in his notebook, dog not answering, human answering for dog. Suspicious? Question mark. What are you doing here? Well, my partner died. I'm on the lookout for a new partner. That's rough.
Starting point is 00:33:52 This is a crime-solving thing. And you see, my partner left a note. Did they mean a lot to you? Not really. No? No. But between you and me, I asked the questions. He solved the crime.
Starting point is 00:34:10 So he was vital to my process, you see. So good. That's really funny. Okay. So everyone else, all the other players, are either with an NPC, which doesn't count, or completely alone. So some things happen that you are not going to know about, and then the lights come up,
Starting point is 00:34:33 and everything seems relatively chill until you hear, specifically, both detectives. You hear, coming from the adjoining sleeping car, the one that's between the both of you, Porter Cole scream, and he goes, Oh, dear Lord, oh, no, what happened here? Well, that, to Barb, really definitely seems like a red flag. Like, the lights thing was borderline, but this seems not great, so she's going to rush on in there.
Starting point is 00:34:58 Okay. You see the corpse of the man in the three-piece suit. He is dead. There's an empty suitcase next to him. We're in his room. His name was Jules Asner. You can see on his passport, if you search for his passport,
Starting point is 00:35:10 which I assume you would. He has been stabbed in the throat and he is dead as a doornail. And again, there is a suitcase next to him that is empty and open. If the rest of you would like to come and see it, you may, but if you don't want to, that's also fine.
Starting point is 00:35:24 Instinctively, as Barb lays eyes on this terrifying corpse, she just goes, Dad! And Corbin goes, that's your dad? Oh, no, sorry. It was, oh, it's me. Dad's not here. You've got to do this on your own, Barb. Oh, God. And she's just pacing back and forth, like holding her head, just sort of outward monologuing.
Starting point is 00:35:42 All right. like holding her head, just sort of outward monologuing. Straight and narrow action rolls into the room, 45 caliber, pistol drawn, and sees the body on the ground and says, holy moly, oh wow, whoa, there's a dead body here. I mean, hey, what's going on? Looks like a crime scene.
Starting point is 00:36:00 We better lock this down. What do you think? Me? Oh, yeah, let's do that. Portico says, how do I lock down the, do you want me to just lock the door with you inside, or what should I do? Well, usually we'd shut down the mail right now at the Postal Inspector's Service. I'll go secure the in-out box of the plimp mail, and I walk off.
Starting point is 00:36:16 Great. House is looking at the dog. I could talk to you all day. Get more information out of you. See, you heard the screaming. You stay there to talk to the dog. Are we in the room? Hey, you stay there to talk to the dogs? Are we in the room? Hey, I was talking to that dog.
Starting point is 00:36:31 Come back here. Okay, I'll follow you then. Oh my god. Is that a dead body? I lean over, I go, I've seen a lot of dead bodies on the streets. That's definitely a dead body. So you're something of a detective as well. No, you live on the streets of Sunderland. You see these once or twice, but it doesn't mean my pup's going to see it.
Starting point is 00:36:49 I cover my puppy's eyes. I go, come on, back to bed, little pup. And I walk back to the luggage room. There's blood here. This man must have bled. Dot bursts in. She's got four cigarettes between each index finger and middle finger in hand. Is something happening?
Starting point is 00:37:03 I heard a commotion. Easy, gal. Easy. I'll be asking the questions. Does anybody know who this person was? So Porter Cole says, yes, he was Jules Asner. He was a jeweler.
Starting point is 00:37:14 He asked for privacy in his room. And I don't know. He must have been murdered sometime after dinner or before. He was the one with the three-piece suit who left. But there was so much time between then and the lights going out, it could have been anyone. It doesn't matter if you were in a room with them when the lights went out.
Starting point is 00:37:27 They could have done it before the lights went out, hypothetically. Was he the one with the rubies? Sorry? Was he the one with the rubies? No, I believe that was someone else. Ah, because rubies are red like blood. You think that that means something with the murder. He's right.
Starting point is 00:37:41 Yes. What kind of Billy Millions leaning casually and hotly by the door costs Porter? I'm trying so hard to do the New Yorker accent, but I keep losing it. Hold on. Just chill, Eli Roth and Inglourious Bastards. What kind of a rinky-dink operation are you running here, pal? People get murdered left and right. Moided left and right.
Starting point is 00:38:03 There it is, moided. Thank you. I'm so sorry, sir. Of course, we'll refund your ticket immediately. Is the safety of the guests in question? Sorry? Is the safety of the guests, namely me, am I out? No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:38:17 Everything's totally fine. I'm sure this was a one-off murder. I wouldn't worry too much about it at all. Is there another blimp we could transfer to that doesn't have murder? I'm sure when we touch down in Greece, I can get you on a different blimp, but I'm afraid there's no blimp stations between here and the launch pads. Okay, a straight and narrow comes back into the room, ashen-faced, and says, ladies and gentlemen, I have bad news.
Starting point is 00:38:39 There's no mail service on this blimp. We're completely cut off from the rest of civilization up here. My God, man. You're trying your letter like it's a cell phone. I'm getting nothing. Do you like planes stop by? Are you sir? You with the gun? Yes. I might need a little bit of muscle here because
Starting point is 00:38:55 I don't trust all of yous. Well, unless you're a first class piece of mail, I can't help you, sir. I am a first class male, damn it. Wow. Okay, detectives, is there anything you'd like to do
Starting point is 00:39:11 with the body or people you would like to go question? Interesting that a murder happens because I'm here because of a murder. It's almost like murder follows me. Barb's just sort of nodding and looking at him while like dusting for fingerprints.
Starting point is 00:39:28 I think she's seen enough detecting in her home life that she's gonna, yeah, she's gonna start like examining the wound and like looking around for knives that may have been kicked under something or footprints. Hal says, hey, just because you're a woman doesn't mean you need to clean.
Starting point is 00:39:43 You don't need to dust. How progressive. And Billy Millions is like eyeing everybody, seeing the bodies in the blinds like, I'm retiring to my room. And I better not see any of you following me. Did you say Nazi? Do those exist yet? In the 30s, absolutely. A young ump start named Herr Hitler was shaking the tree over in Germany.
Starting point is 00:40:07 Right, I just didn't know how long he was shaking for. He hated the mail. I think I checked the dead guy's pockets. Okay, so the dead guy's pockets have his passport, all of his information, his ticket. You find a jeweler's loop, like a monocle, but kind of a monocular thing for examining stuff. And beyond that, he does have a note saying, I'll meet you in your quarters for the exchange. Wait, what's the note say? Barb, read this. The note says, I'll meet you in your quarters for the exchange. Wait, what's the note say? Barb, read this.
Starting point is 00:40:28 God knows I can't. It says, I'll meet you in your quarters for the exchange. Exchange of what? Maybe he bought something. It wasn't the right size. A return of some sort. It's probably that. What room was he staying in?
Starting point is 00:40:47 This room, the one he's in. Is there anything else in his pockets that maybe he was exchanging something for something else, and he's got the exchange or he's got the return? A receipt? No, he does not have a receipt on him. You see an envelope, a manila envelope that is open and empty. Does it have a stamp on it? An envelope! No stamp on it.
Starting point is 00:41:04 I have jurisdiction over envelopes. Let me see that. I examine the envelope. I got a 17. It smells like money. It smells like cash. Money. Does it smell like any particular type of currency?
Starting point is 00:41:15 Does it smell like dollar bills? Does it smell like whatever German money is? Deutschmarks. Deutschmarks. If you'd rolled a 20, I would tell you, but no. Did I find anything in investigating for footsteps and or weapons in the vicinity? Oh, okay. That's interesting.
Starting point is 00:41:30 Give me a roll. Okay. Two quick questions while the roll's happening. 11. I crossed things out and drew a lot of arrows on my sheet. Uh-huh. Which sleeping car is this dead body in? That side.
Starting point is 00:41:39 Yeah. Jewel's Asner's on the left side. Definitely the people here can hear someone running vocal skills in one of the sleeping cars over there because that's where Belinda's sleeping car is and that's what she retired to do. You didn't stop doing vocal,
Starting point is 00:41:50 you're just going me, me, me, me, me. So at this moment, everybody hears the la, la, la, la, la, la. Okay, cool. From your car. It's a nice like mood music.
Starting point is 00:41:57 That's what it sounds like. Me, me, me, me, me. Go on. Me, me, me, me. I got an 11. You got an 11. Okay, so with 11, I will tell you that you don't find a weapon,
Starting point is 00:42:06 and your skills are not sexy enough that you can tell the footprints that are going on. But you can see a small hole that is in the entry wound that killed the person. You can see that that is the kind of wound that happened. So it was like a stab as opposed to a slash? Yes, it is a stab as opposed to a slash. Yes, you rang. You know a lot about small holes, don't you? I do. We put mail in them.
Starting point is 00:42:28 They're slots. We call them mail slots. I hate this. Yeah, that's a... No, go on. Sorry, excuse me? Did someone say slots? Dot does not know who Strayton is, but she can tell he has a command of the situation. So she turns to him and says,
Starting point is 00:42:44 Please, sir. please, officer, I need my vocal coach. You need your vocal coach? Please. Well, I, uh, all right. Well, write it down and put it in an envelope and give me her address
Starting point is 00:42:54 and I'll make sure she gets it right away. And she knows that you're safe. Don't worry. I won't let anything happen to you and I lock eyes with you intensely. Dot reaches into her nightgown and produces a little notepad and she kind of like
Starting point is 00:43:03 makes a makeshift little envelope and produces that. And I stick it in my pocket. The next time we—unfortunately, there's no mail on this blimp, as I've already established. Now, I have something shocking to reveal to all of you. I believe this person may be the very dead letter that I was chasing on my postal service intrigue. You see, I've been hot on the trail of a German spy who's been stealing counterfeit post office stamps and all sorts of things, and I
Starting point is 00:43:27 tracked him down to this very blimp, which is why I'm here. Did somebody say German? And that German guy from the... Looks like you're off the hook, Fritz. You were my next suspect, but I have every reason to suspect that this is the dead letter. Oh, lucky me. And he was bumped off, probably due to his own suspicious intrigue.
Starting point is 00:43:44 That's what I think. How about how? We have no quarrel with the Germans. Not yet. Don't you know? There's a war coming. There's dark tidings ahead, and the country could be going to a very, very dark place very soon. And we need to be ready.
Starting point is 00:43:55 You're telling me that this person was known as the dead letter? He's certainly dead now. Yes. There's no wonder. Yes. Well, I mean, it sounds like nature has taken its course. It sounds like everything is where it should be. Barb grabs House's sleeve and like pulls him to the side and is like, how dare you talk to me? I just had a quick thought. I don't know. Maybe
Starting point is 00:44:17 this is wrong, but like he's calling him the dead letter and he's been calling him the dead letter before he died. Like maybe he was the only one that knew he he was gonna die. I don't know. Doesn't that seem like a little bit suspicious to you? Maybe? I've just had a thought. He was calling him the dead letter before he died. I'm thinking that's a little suspicious. Barb's totally satisfied with that. She's like,
Starting point is 00:44:37 cool, great job. It's a post office term. What do you know about it? I bet you've never mailed a letter in your life. Name five postmaster generals right now. I'll name five letters even better. A, B, C, D, E. I got letters for you. F, U, C, K, Y, O,
Starting point is 00:44:54 U, pal. They hadn't invented that by the 30s. Alright, so we are once again in daytime, so if there is anybody who'd like to do some scenes, especially the detectives, if there's anybody you want to question or anything like that, feel free. Sandbox mode now. Do we just write to you what we're doing if we're in a different room?
Starting point is 00:45:09 I mean, if you want to do it with somebody else, you say it aloud. If you want to do it alone, you write to me. Well. Very decisive. Who's still in the room? Who's still in the sleeping car with us? Right now, I believe it was just the two of you and Straighten Arrow and the corpse. And Cold Porter.
Starting point is 00:45:26 Yes. Why? Barb's like, you're doing great. Really good work. You know why someone would want to kill the dead letter? My guess would be that this nefarious criminal had all sorts of shady dealings going on, and it could be that there's another criminal of some sort right now on this very blimp that may have murdered the man. Could be that there is a criminal on this very blimp.
Starting point is 00:45:57 Yeah, I think what Detective House is maybe going to ask you is what kind of criminal do you think that would be? I'll ask the question. Yes. Yeah, that's what he's going to ask. A murdering kind of criminal. Okay, well. Read my mind. You know, House, I'm starting to develop a begrudging respect for you.
Starting point is 00:46:16 What do you say we combine investigations and investigate this shady crime together? I'll share my information if you share yours. We keep each other abreast. House looks off into the distance, actually, like, looks right through Barb and is like, well, I am on the lookout
Starting point is 00:46:29 for a partner. Oh, really? I mean, you guys seem just, like, really well-suited. Honestly, you should probably do this together. They've got to be smart and spunky
Starting point is 00:46:39 and personable. And they've got to have a touch of anxiety. Oh. And... It sounds like I'm your man, House. I spit in my hand and say, put her there. I spit on my hand and I shake your hand. A single tear drops down your face.
Starting point is 00:46:58 That's wild. All right, well, I'll go shake down the witnesses one more time. See if anyone noticed anything. You do whatever you're going to do. Use that genius crime brain of yours to solve the crime. Alice is like, Barb. Hey, Barb. Yeah, what's up?
Starting point is 00:47:09 Great ass. Oh, thank you. Obviously, no one has ever really paid attention to Barb sexually. So she's like, oh, very cool. Dot goes and knocks on the door of her voice coach Belinda's room. Knock, knock. At least she said knock, knock right and she throws the door open. She's like, yes, Dot.
Starting point is 00:47:44 Uh, coach, there's been a murder on the ship. Murder. Murder? Murder. Better. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Already you're helping me so much.
Starting point is 00:48:01 Yes, Dot, you are upset. You want to put off your lessons. What, what? Well, I'm a little concerned. I mean, the studio is already nipping at my heels. They already want to can me. Can you imagine being connected to such a cream? What that will do?
Starting point is 00:48:13 Can. Can. They want to can you. Can. I can imagine. No, a bit much. Pull back. Dot, come sit.
Starting point is 00:48:23 She ushers you into the room. It's very, like, scarfy. She has a lot of, you know, things that a voice coach would have. We have, Dot, come sit. She ushers into the room. It's very, like, scarf-y. She has a lot of, you know, things that a voice coach would have. We have, like, a little phonograph. We have our many pots of various liquids for gargling and spitting and drinking and staying hydrated because it's important. You hear somebody walking past your room, towards the dining room. Good for them. Dot, I need you to use this.
Starting point is 00:48:47 Let the drama in. Hold it deep. Let it power your voice. And, you know, talking right. Hold the drama? Hold the drama. I mean, the feeling I have now is not unlike when, you know, the sisters used to hit me with their canes.
Starting point is 00:49:03 I guess I could draw on that. Excellent, yes. Use it. So what do you think I should do could draw on that. Excellent. Yes, use it. So what do you think I should do? Murder someone else? Well, uh... Not that I murdered the first person. Good save. Porter Colton puts his head and goes,
Starting point is 00:49:16 Good save! Thank you, Porter. Let's not kill anyone. The studio might... Well, honestly, if you did, the studio wouldn't have any trouble with that at all, frankly. Actually, so, yes, come to mention it, the script I am currently rehearsing now
Starting point is 00:49:32 has me as the peeper traitor of a heinous murder. Peeper traitor. You hear somebody coming back from the dining room, past your cabin again. What, is this a thoroughfare? I thought I had a private cabin. Dot, I want you to enter every situation you're in with poise i want you to breathe deeply before you open your mouth and say anything to anyone ever under any circumstances breathe deeply deeply
Starting point is 00:50:00 practice by saying of course not officer dot lights a prescription cigarette, takes a deep inhale. Of course, officer. Of course not, officer. Of course not, officer. Better. When you speak, I want you to imagine you're blowing a smoke ring from your prescription cigarette. Of course not, officer. Deep inhale.
Starting point is 00:50:28 Mm-hmm. Of course not, officer. Much better. And this is why smoking is good for you. All right. I owe you a dear gratitude, Belinda. I think we're making real progress. How close are we to the next night?
Starting point is 00:50:48 Some people still have some stuff they want to do. You solved the murder. Well, I mean, besides the murder. Currently, you two are in Jules Asner's cabin, if there's anything you want to do. Yeah, I think Barb, she's got to prove herself to the detectives. Earn that ass compliment. Yeah, she's got to earn it. So I think she's just going to go right into the luggage car and start looking for clues
Starting point is 00:51:08 because she wants to really help this investigation as best she can. Okay, as you enter the luggage car, you see Sledge. His arms are stretching upwards. Oh, hey, what are you doing? Where is he from? Where is he from? I'm from the street. You're from the street, I'm from the street.
Starting point is 00:51:25 I'm from the street. Yeah. Oh, hello. Hi. Barbara Boopsy. I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting yet. Oh, hi. And you are?
Starting point is 00:51:32 I'm Sledge. Sledge. Great. What are you doing down here? Oh, just. It's just luggage. Me and the dog. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:37 Just checking on my luggage too. Because everybody's luggage. Okay. I can get it. Where's the luggage? Oh, it's just that big trunk over there. But that's. I started carrying it to you.
Starting point is 00:51:44 He's like, here, just. Oh, okay. Yeah. Thank you. Just this spot is perfect for it. You's the luggage? Oh, it's just that big trunk over there. But that's... I'm sorry, carry it to you. Here, just... Oh, okay. Yeah, thank you. Just this spot is perfect for it. You can leave now. Oh, okay. Yeah, I just wanted to let you know, it seemed like, I don't know,
Starting point is 00:51:52 it seemed like you're maybe from the streets. Oh, yeah. I just wanted you to know that, like, I don't really like to talk about it, but I kind of do have, like, a background in bootlegging. It was, like, a big thing that used to happen that, like, doesn't happen anymore. So I just wanted to let you know,
Starting point is 00:52:04 even though, like, I am from a pretty important detecting family, like if you need anything or if you need someone to get you anything. I mean, it's pretty easy to get alcohol now. Well, yeah. I know. But there's still other stuff. There's like other stuff. I don't know if you're familiar with the potato control legislation that was just passed in this year of 1935. Yeah, it's like the government is, like, getting in our pockets now because basically they're saying that people can't buy potatoes anymore.
Starting point is 00:52:36 So, like, they're going to become, like, as valuable as alcohol was in the prohibition, I'm pretty sure. So if you needed any potatoes, if you needed someone to find potatoes for you. You know what? Yeah. Actually, yeah. Could you go get me potatoes? That'd be great. Yeah, Barb opens her trunk and pulls out potatoes.
Starting point is 00:52:50 Oh, okay. Well. These are Yukon Golds. They're incredible. Buttery flavor, very low starch value. I just take one. I just start biting it. I just eat it like a, it's a pretty good potato.
Starting point is 00:53:03 I need to get potatoes this good on the street. It's real. Yeah. It's real. It's a pretty good potato. I didn't get potatoes this good on the street. It's real. It's real. It's a real cucumber potato. It lays his fucking leg. She turns the truck around. It's full of potatoes. She's like,
Starting point is 00:53:12 there's more where that came from. That's all I'm saying. First I see if Asta wants to eat the potato. Does my dog eat the potato? Yeah, dogs eat potatoes. If only potatoes weren't fatal. I appreciate that. Are they fatal?
Starting point is 00:53:24 You know, you seem like a nice guy. They're not fatal. Potatoes aren't fatal to dogs. Don't do it without. Don't feed your dogs. It should be baked or boiled. Yeah, don't feed potatoes to dogs. Okay, so Asa doesn't eat it.
Starting point is 00:53:35 You can cook them. No, he'll eat it. It's a dog. I'm just saying, if you're a responsible dog owner, you wouldn't do that. They don't know. You're from the street. You're from the street. Dogs don't eat potatoes.
Starting point is 00:53:44 It's not healthy for them. Do you know? Try to kill my dog. Well, I mean, you were the one who fed the potato to it, but neither here nor there. I just wanted to let you know that that first potato is on the house. And if you needed anything else, you can just let me know. I don't, but thank you. And you seem like a nice lady.
Starting point is 00:54:00 Just leave me alone. All right. Shut the door and lock the door. Leaves the room, goes back to the sleeping car. What a great scene. Oh, my God. Anything anybody else would like to do while the lights are still on?
Starting point is 00:54:16 Strayden. Yes. You want to do anything while the lights are still on? You know, maybe you and I should seize the moment and investigate some of these rooms. Here's what I'm thinking. Why don't we gather everybody together?
Starting point is 00:54:27 I'll tell them a thrilling tale from one of my postal service inspection adventures of two-fisted daring dudes thwarting mail fraud criminals. And I'll ask the questions. You can snoop the rooms
Starting point is 00:54:40 and we'll see if we can find any clues that way. While everyone's in the cabin, they won't know that you're snooping through their rooms. Ah, yes, yes. Is there a loud speaker system on this Blume? I'm a pretty loud speaker.
Starting point is 00:54:51 I could just yell down the hall. Oh, you kill me. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Barb comes back in and is just like, oh, hey, guys. Barb. Barb.
Starting point is 00:55:00 What do you need? Oh, I was just done in that room. But no, you're right. I shouldn't just hang out with you guys. That's what I was thinking. So she just goes out the other door. That's such an interesting scent you're wearing, Barb. It smells vaguely of my home in Idaho.
Starting point is 00:55:13 Oh, really? Do you have any friends in Idaho? I think I know where you're going with this. I could potentially talk to some people in Idaho if I knew that they weren't going to get in trouble with the law. Hmm, interesting. Maybe I'll have a tall tater tale to tell you later about that. In the meantime, could you help us round everybody up here? Maybe let them know that Straight and Narrow is going to be telling one of his two-fisted pulp tales of male fraud adventure.
Starting point is 00:55:41 Yeah. And I'm ready to regale everyone with one of those. You got it. So she first just pops her head back into the luggage car and is like, hey, uh, slick. I'm eating so many potatoes. I will pay for this. I'm so sorry. Barb double checks the lock on her trunk and is like, oh, no, that's cool.
Starting point is 00:56:01 They just like wanted everybody in here real quick. So I feel I just wanted to come in here real quick. I'm really ashamed of what I just did. I'm really sorry. It's cool. They just wanted everybody in here real quick, so I feel like I just wanted to come in here real quick. I'm really ashamed of what I just did. I'm really sorry. It's okay. I didn't grow up with a lot of food, and if I see food, I just eat it. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:56:13 Because I'm from the streets. Vortical pokes his head in and says, I've told the captain to... And then at that moment, Hey, everyone, one of the detective people, who might be a detective, has summoned you to the dining room to explain some stuff, I guess.
Starting point is 00:56:24 So if you want to hear two-fisted tales of postal service stuff, that's something you can go do. I'm clearly reading from a note. Yeah, yeah. It's a note that was in here. Two-fisted tales of postal. Postal. Barb's like, oh, yeah, that's basically what I was just about to tell you. You can punch me if you want.
Starting point is 00:56:36 You just get a free one right here. No. Barb feels bad. She doesn't actually. Punch me. She's never made a friend, and she's like, really, this is the first person she's had a connection with. So she's like, no, no, I could, you know what, have as many potatoes as you want. It's really fine, honestly.
Starting point is 00:56:48 I'm just like putting potatoes in my shirt right now. Yeah, no, that's fine. They're going to go bad soon. I just, after the bootlegging thing fell apart, I put all my money into potatoes, and I don't even know if this potato control legislation is going to be as dramatic as people say it's going to be. So maybe if you could maybe just help me offload these potatoes, I'd split the profits with you. Do they have potatoes in Greece? Anytime you want to.
Starting point is 00:57:07 You can head into the dining car. I don't know, but I know there's a German on the ship, and I know they like potatoes. So maybe we can go that direction. Let's go to the dining car. As she walks away, I look down and Aster's like, hey, pup, I think I might have just found our mom. And I walk out.
Starting point is 00:57:21 And I walk after her. Twice you're done. Ah, roll. roll 17 you were definitely here you 1000% here once again Barb doesn't get a lot of attention so she's like like straightens out her little suit so Barb as you head back into the
Starting point is 00:57:42 dining car you see that straight and arrows there, standing, sort of waiting for everybody to come in so you can start telling your stories. The German is sitting there reading from a, what's a fun German book? Kafka. He's reading Kafka. Yeah, that's a fun one. Yeah, that's a fun one.
Starting point is 00:57:55 It's definitely not time appropriate, I think. He's like, this is so Kafka-esque. It might be one of the more fun German books. Yeah. This guy's a roach? That's crazy. Couldn't be me. All right.
Starting point is 00:58:14 Who else is going to show up for the Tales of Daring Do? I would venture that Dot and Belinda have headed over. Scarves just blowing in the breeze
Starting point is 00:58:22 behind those. I definitely hold you up with like two scarves. Protect the throat at all times. And when we go in and I see that it's this guy again. Please have a seat, ladies. I'd be very offended if you didn't sit and listen to me read one of my thrilling tales.
Starting point is 00:58:33 Belinda's like, of course. There's a bit of romance in there as well, just so in case that's something that interests, you know, you of the female persuasion. I've written these stories. If any of you know an editor or a publisher that would like to publish my memoirs, I've taken some liberties with them, but I'd say they're a hoot. Oh, I'm sure we don't.
Starting point is 00:58:52 You brought your whole bosom, but you'll only need the part that you clutch. Belinda, like, ushers Don to a chair and leaves now. She's like, repeat the final word he says every time with the support and gusto that it requires. You can learn something from a blow hard like this. I will. I will. So while Strayton has everybody, I'm going to go, like, detect. I love the confidence.
Starting point is 00:59:24 The improvisational war 2023 Elizabeth May Oh I was just happy to be here So fucking So fucking House is like I'm gonna go do what I do best And then you know goes out the door
Starting point is 00:59:44 And then comes back in the door like detect. So what are you going to do in your detection? I'm going to go snoop through people's luggage, I guess. So you're going to the luggage room? Sure. Yeah, I'll do that. Okay. All the luggage is locked.
Starting point is 00:59:59 Except for the potatoes. Except for the potato thing, which is open. There's a lot of potatoes there. My secrets. We all have potato thing, which is open. There's a lot of potatoes there. My secrets. We all have one bite of them. No. If you want to roll to search the luggage room itself,
Starting point is 01:00:11 feel free. That's a six. Yeah, I'm not going to help you on that one then. Roll to remember which one belongs to whom because you saw everybody as they were...
Starting point is 01:00:19 Seven. Yeah, no idea. That's a one. That's literally a one. In fact, you've forgotten who was even on the ship. House is like, Wilson, I wish you were here with me.
Starting point is 01:00:30 You were always the one that did all of the detecting. I just asked the questions. But I'm left with the biggest question of all. What happened to you? Who killed you? Was it Lupus? Who changed my life? I guess I'll go investigate another room.
Starting point is 01:00:54 Whose room would you like to investigate? I'll go to the other sleeping car. So this is the sleeping car where I'm sleeping, but I'm not there currently. So the Dot Brady and Barb Boopsy and Sledge Valley. No, Sledge Valley's not in there. Yeah, I slept in the luggage car. So there are two sleeping cars.
Starting point is 01:01:11 The one that we've been doing most of the action so far has Billy Millions, Belinda Nightingale, Straight and Arrow, Jules Asner in it. And the other one, the one that you're currently going to now, has House MD, Barbara Boopsy. It has an empty room that was for Sledge, but Sledge just decided to go into the luggage car. And then one for Dot.
Starting point is 01:01:30 Oh, Straten is reading from his book. Security comes with the stamp. Two-Fisted Tales of Postal Service Adventures. Chapter one. If Al Capone had mailed his books, I would have caught him. So Barb, you can see that in the dining car, Straight and Arrow is here. Belinda and Dot are here doing their voice work. Sledge has come in. And you know that House MD is going to go check out the other sleeping car. So the only person that's unaccounted for essentially is Billy Millions, right?
Starting point is 01:01:57 Billy is missing. Okay. You're missing. So what would you like to do? Who would you like to investigate? Beth, which room? I'm going to go into Dot Brady's room. All right, Dot, what does she find?
Starting point is 01:02:08 She finds just like piles and piles of scripts for movies that Dot's not even in. And they've all been like underlined into certain places, question marks over just above words, simple words, three letter words. House is like, oh, Wilson, if only you were here with me to read these to me. God knows I can't.
Starting point is 01:02:30 And there is one letter that it looks like he has a broken wax seal from, you would recognize it as the emblem of a studio, a big Hollywood picture studio, and it's been addressed to Dot. And so that's there. And then just cartons and cartons of cigarettes. That all say prescription. Yes. Yes.
Starting point is 01:02:49 Yeah. There's a little RX and then the snake wrapped around. Breathe your best cigarettes. Yeah. And that's all you find in that room. Broken seal. Huh. And it's got the little MGM lion.
Starting point is 01:03:02 and it's got the little MGM lion. I wonder if my detective partner, straight and narrow, would, wherever she has a tear, single tear, find this interesting. Because I don't.
Starting point is 01:03:20 All right, anything else you would like to do? Should I go to a different room? I don't want to monopolize too much. I don't want to monopolize. You're the detective. You're the detective, Beth. You get to. You can also do this.
Starting point is 01:03:30 Maybe I should have been the killer. Either Barb or House can do whatever you like. I brought Sledge into the dining car and then has listened to a couple chapters probably so far. Chapter three. What if John Dillinger wrote a bad check and sent it to someone? Someone. How I would have busted him.
Starting point is 01:03:50 Busted him. I think Barb's so in the... Oh, that's the perfect amount of time for me to forget. In the sleeping cars, there are separate compartments. It's not like dorm style. No, separate compartments for each of the people. So Beth is in the one at 3 o'clock. You're in the sleeping car at 9 o'clock.
Starting point is 01:04:11 Yes, I'm going to just bust on into Billy's room. Okay, so in Billy's room, what do you see and what do you hear? Billy's room is fairly simply adorned, but there's lots of like his suits are everywhere. He's got really expensive looking luggage hanging up and you hear him in the bathroom. You know, the shower is on. Oh, hello. Is anyone there?
Starting point is 01:04:32 Who's there? Oh, hello. What are you doing in here? Honestly, just checking to make sure you haven't gotten murdered yet. I'm taking a shower. Can't you hear that? Okay, cool. I'll just leave then. And Barb opens the door and shuts it again, but stays in the room.
Starting point is 01:04:58 Dad, then there were none as Matt Arnold as Sledge Valet. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Straight and Arrow. Riley Rose Critchlow as Barbara Bootsy. Beth May as House MD. Amanda Thanks for watching! Patreon supporters for supporting the show, making this little mini series possible, as well as all the other bonus miniseries possible. By the way, right now on the Patreon is the first show from the Do or Dice live tour we did a couple months back on the West Coast. It's the Seattle show. Video and audio available on Patreon. So head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads to check that out.
Starting point is 01:05:37 You can also get the rest of Dad Then There Were None, as well as ad-free episodes, our after show, Discord access, bonus content, much, much more. Check out patreon.com slash dungeons and dads to support this podcast directly. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back to our usual season two shenanigans next episode, and that's coming at you November 7th. So we will see you then. Thank you.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.