Dungeons and Daddies - BONUS: Gumshoes and Dragons - Criminal Mines

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

A special bonus episode in support of NAMI and Mental Health Awareness month! We got ourselves a murder mystery and an experimental NEW FORMAT! And visit https://nami.org/ to donate!This episode conta...ins Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Kieran Underhill is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Smaug the Fog Giant is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Dan Granger is Beth May (@heybethmay)Detective Doggo is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Brian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, so we've actually talked a lot about the fact that very soon we're going to be releasing Dad, Then There Were None, A Dad at the Christie Who Dadded little mini series about murder. And sort of to whet your appetite for murders and mysteries and goofs and gallantry, we recorded this, which is a standalone kind of backdoor pilot for, I don't know, maybe it'll be a series, maybe it won't be. Maybe you'll love it, maybe you'll hate it. I think you'll like it a lot. It's called Gumshoes and Daddies, and it starts right now. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to Gumshoes and Daddies, the pilot episode of who knows what this could be. But
Starting point is 00:00:44 the main thing is that we're doing this for NAMI to support mental health and all that kind of stuff. So before we get into what we're going to be doing today, Beth, do you want to tell them about the great things that NAMI does? Sure, sure, sure. Okay, so I wrote this entire thing on Evernote and I'm going to read it off and hopefully Travis or Esther, whoever is editing this, will cut it down because I wrote way too long. But I'm passionate about NAMI. And it's also, we're doing this for Mental Health Awareness Month, which is May, also my last name. We're doing this one shot on the main feed and specifically- On the main feed. On the main feed and specifically partnering with NAMI, aka the National Alliance on Mental Illness, trying to
Starting point is 00:01:22 raise some cheddar for them. So if you follow me on social media, you notice me spamming, trying to raise money for the LA NAMI walk on April 29th, which was a blast. People helped me raise some money, which is awesome. How much did you raise? Oh, I raised... If you lie, it's an SEC violation. Is that a real thing? No.
Starting point is 00:01:39 Tell us how much you actually raised, not what you told the IRS you raised. We raised $10,752. Jesus. Six figgies. That buys a lot of mental health. I don't know if that's funny. That buys six mental illnesses. You can buy three bipolars with that.
Starting point is 00:01:58 Yep, you can. And we're trying to bring that energy into Mental Health Awareness Month because as some of us know, mental illness does not take neatly scheduled breaks. It's estimated that one in five adults in the US live with some type of mental illness or four out of five podcasters.
Starting point is 00:02:15 Wow, wow. What's it like, Freddie? What's it like? I wouldn't know. Great, I guess. One in 25 adults live with SMI or serious mental illness, myself included. I have bipolar type 1.
Starting point is 00:02:27 I was diagnosed when I was 19 after my first psychotic episode. I've got borderline personality disorder, so twinsies. Hell yeah. Not twinsies, but different BP. Exact twinsies. BP versus BPD,
Starting point is 00:02:38 the ultimate showdown. I think there's a charity baseball game happening, actually. Also, the first time I said I had borderline personality disorder, Freddie, without a hesitation, went, you have borderlands personality disorder? That's a good friend.
Starting point is 00:02:55 So, there have been periods of my life where I had really good mental health care, good insurance, and there have been periods of my life where I was pretty much flying solo, and that's where NAMI comes in. NAMI provides support to mentally ill people and their loved ones. So local chapters of NAMI can offer education, referrals, and resources and therapeutic support groups all for free, motherfucker, free. Stuff like finding a psychiatrist that takes your insurance, finding a therapist you can afford,
Starting point is 00:03:21 making sure your family is informed about your illness. And my family was like, what? That's wild. And then just having someone who's been there and that you can talk to. NAMI offers all of this at the federal level. NAMI fights for policy changes to crisis response, understanding that cops are not fucking psychiatrists and you cannot get well in a cell. They are also about advancing research. A lot of big pharma companies end up being totally content with antipsychotics with terrible side effects because often they're the only option and they make bank for these companies. So yeah, new research, new drugs, very important. They're also instrumental in 988, the new national mental health crisis line, which is fucking awesome. Ultimately, NAMI was there for me when I wasn't doing well. And now that I am, I'd like to give
Starting point is 00:04:03 back. If you are in a space mentally and financially to give, that would be great. If not, their resources are free. I will also add that we are big fans of NAMI here on the podcast. And we've donated our pin sales for the You Are Enough As You Are pin to NAMI. And it's sort of an ongoing quarterly thing.
Starting point is 00:04:20 This is Freddie justifying not donating this time. We already did it. Yeah, we already did it. We already did it on our podcast. I already came to work. Sorry, Ben. All that to say that I'm sure some of you have heard us talking about NAMI in the past.
Starting point is 00:04:31 And yeah, they're a great charity, and we are doing this to support them. And this bonus episode for everyone on the main feed is in support of NAMI and Mental Health Awareness Month. Okay, so this is not going to be like a typical dungeons and daddy's episode, not even a typical dungeons and dragons episode. Yes. It is already atypical because I put effort into it.
Starting point is 00:04:57 So this is gumshoes and daddies. And the premise is if you've ever seen something like Columbo or poker face or the center, you will know from the beginning who the killer is. Will is going to be the killer. Oh my God. But everybody else on the podcast is not going to know how Will did the murder that he's going to do. Pretty soon, Will and I are going to do a scene with just us. But before that, I'm going to ask the others to leave the room. Once they come back, Will and I and you, the audience, will know exactly what happened. But you'll have to see and hope that the other three can figure out exactly what happened.
Starting point is 00:05:27 Specifically, you're looking for the motive, the means, and the opportunity, and then you've got to do something to catch Will. And if you're playing along at home and you figure it out, call 1-800-DADDY-I-GOT-CHA and shout what the murder is, and we'll feature your answer on the show. Sorry, Will, that's a 1-900 number. We are taking all the proceeds it's 5 95 a minute so we just gotta figure out how will did it yeah will you dumb
Starting point is 00:05:51 idiot i've known you for so long i know the way you sound when you poop i know the way you sound wild thing to say i've been in the same room with you for like 20 years dude i know how you kill somebody left and right never there are sides and shades to me that you're so unaware of, Matt. I'm like a fucking onion. We'll see. Okay. I eat onions. I'm going to read up in this intro so you all know the kind of setting that we're in,
Starting point is 00:06:14 and then I'm going to tell you to leave. Okay. Fine. The banner of the Dwarven Underhill Clan depicts a pickaxe and a brain. The banner would be flapping in the breeze right now. Are these clues? No. Well, I mean, they might be relevant.
Starting point is 00:06:26 No, it's just mood setting. Okay, okay, I'm just making sure. Shut up and listen. The banner would be flapping in the breeze right now if the Kingdom Underhill were not entirely underground, a labyrinth of winding tunnels and memory mines, and if it weren't draped over the body of King Underhill, who died peacefully in his sleep last night.
Starting point is 00:06:40 Clan Underhill's workers spend day and night mining for Remembor, the mineral with which the production lines manufacture memory Stones, handheld magical devices that can record and store up to 24 hours of visual and audio information. It is through the Memory Stones that... Will, can you just keep your cursor where it is? Oh, sorry. We're on a shared Google Doc and I'm moving my cursor around.
Starting point is 00:06:59 Hi, Anthony. Thanks, Will. It's Will. You're doing great. Keep up the good narration. Thanks. It is through the memory stones that Clan Underhill made their fortune and parlayed that fortune into the kingdom before us now.
Starting point is 00:07:15 A kingdom looking for a new king. Hi, Anthony, it's Will. You're doing great. Keep up the good narration. The late king's younger son, Ciaran, awaits in the throne room, his foot tapping as the king's counselors mutter amongst themselves. It's a little more than a formality, of course. As the king's only present son, Ciaran stands to inherit.
Starting point is 00:07:30 The doors to the royal hall slam open. Milkleg, the king's eldest son, stands in the doorway. Hey, brother, he says. I came as soon as I heard. All right, now everybody leave. Oh, okay. Shocking that it was like Ciaran, but not Connor. I know. Oh, these are names from our audience. Oh, Oh. Okay. Shocking that it was like Kieran, but not Connor. I know.
Starting point is 00:07:45 I know. Oh, these are names from our audience. Oh, so it's not Succession? No, no. Oh my God. Shit, it could have been Succession. Kieran is one of our listeners, and Milk Leg was sent to us by Sam Johnson. Thank you, Kieran and Sam Johnson.
Starting point is 00:07:57 You sent these names in 2019. Yes. Okay. Whatever. This is weird doing two-person improv. Mm-hmm. All right, should I just go into it? Yeah, just go into it. Okay. Whatever. This is weird doing two-person improv. Mm-hmm. All right, should I just go into it? Yeah, just go into it.
Starting point is 00:08:09 Brother, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm just back to become king and stuff, because Dad died. It's good to see you. And I embrace Milkleg? Is his name? His name is Milkleg. I give Milkleg a big hug.
Starting point is 00:08:22 But it's one of those hugs where on the other side of the hug, I look nervous and thrown off by his son. If there were a camera, you'd be like, yeah. Yeah. But I don't understand. You foreswore this place when you went off to become an actor. Yeah. I mean, I wanted to go act and that seemed like a pretty big deal, but now I've like sort of, I'm the best at it. So I'm sort of beaten acting. I sort of beat the end boss of acting. So I figured it's time to become king. And with dad dying, I'm sad, but I'm also pretty psyched to take the throne. You know, Milkleg, it's so great as your younger brother to have you back. I spent so many years working with dad, wiping the drool out of his beard as he got senile and old at the end. You know, I know the operation so well, it's a hard
Starting point is 00:09:02 job running a memory stone mine. It's a lot of work and it's a lot of responsibility. And, you know, I'm already pretty good at it. So I just wonder if maybe, you know, there's something else that you could do that would be fun. You know, we need a new court jester. Milk Lake bursts into tears and he goes, brother, what you say is true. I am nothing more than a jester. I'm not actually the most famous and best actor.
Starting point is 00:09:23 I'm struggling to get by and it's hard. And I just need to, I just need to be king in order to give myself any amount of self-respect and a little bit of money. But you, you'll be a very, very treasured counselor of mine. You'll be the head of the council of counselors, the counselor council. That'll be you. That's something. I'm already the head of the council of counselors and nobody listens to me. I've been wanting to be king for all 200 years of my childhood. Well, when I get really old, uh, if I don't have kids, which I will, because I'm very attractive, you'll be king then if I die with no kids, which I won't. Please. I'm your younger brother. I don't have anything but this. You've you got to go have your own life. I've been training for this since I was a boy. Since you
Starting point is 00:10:00 left. This is all I have. Please. I'm just begging you, man to man, dwarf to dwarf, brother to brother, let me stand as king and go pursue your dream. Go grow like the mighty mountain itself. Well, mountains don't grow. They do grow. Oh, my God. They grow very slowly over time. You know nothing about mountains.
Starting point is 00:10:19 Can you see how wrong this is? You said this was all you have, and I understand that. But now it's all I have. And sort of that makes it all we have, but mostly me. So what I'm going to do is we're going to get ready for the funeral tomorrow. You know, we've got the darkness chant, the 12-hour chant of darkness, the dark chant. It's called the half-day morning, not the 12-hour chant of darkness or whatever. You don't even know the names of the rituals anymore. Yeah, but people just make noises in the dark for 12 hours. It's basically what it is. Oh, they're not noises. They're the sacred songs of our ancestors.
Starting point is 00:10:45 Yeah, the whole dark chant thing sounds really, really cool. Can you handle that for me, though? What? Because all of my stuff is at the hotel, the Neutral Milk Hotel, and I left all my stuff there.
Starting point is 00:10:53 So it's like a 12-hour horse ride. So I was just going to go get that, come back. Like, it sounds like you're going to start... Brother, if we're not both there to sing the lamentation song, our father won't descend
Starting point is 00:11:02 to the great underground mountain, and his soul won't be at rest. Yeah, but you could like give him love for me. I could write you a note. Like, you know what I would say? I'd be like, brother, I love you, dad.
Starting point is 00:11:13 Just imagine what I would say and say that and he'd be psyched about it. Anyway, I'm off to the hotel. I'm going to go get my stuff. I brought a lot of suitcases, but I'll see you soon. It's called the Nutri Milk Hotel
Starting point is 00:11:23 in case you need to reach me, but you shouldn't. Tomorrow, I'm probably just going to get some brunch and then go shopping a little bit. You dare brunch on the day of our father's funeral? I'll head right over after brunch and then maybe a nap and some shopping and stuff like that. But really, really soon after that, I promise. I still got some auditions. You're still acting? Yeah. I mean, everybody's got to have a side hustle. I'm the acting king. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, wow. I didn't even think about that until I just said it. Go me, milk leg.
Starting point is 00:11:48 And he high fives himself and he heads off, leaving you alone in the royal room. Well, not alone because the counselors are here muttering amongst themselves. But if you wanted to Shakespearean monologue at us, feel free. Kieran paces here in the hall of his forefathers. He looks up at the statues of all of the former Underhill Kings, the line of succession, and he sees that empty podium where there's a rough hewn stone statue yet to be carved in. And he puts his palm on it and he says, it shall be mine one way or the other. All right, let's do a planning the murder montage.
Starting point is 00:12:20 Okay. We see Milk Leg reciting his acting and doing a lot of like you know pacing and performing in his room and who's that spying behind the painting of their father on the wall it's kieran as he looks at him reading scripts and fumbling his lines and as he looks at that script a devious plan comes to mind cut to kieran paces the, the voluminous library of spells and tomes deep within Underhill Mountain, and he comes upon a book for demon summoning, and he flips through it until he gets to this section on infernal fire demons, and he grins and he smiles. Cut two, Kieran writing with one of those old, you know, the old timey quill, the quill and the feather, and he's scribbling, and we see a little bit of what he's writing and it's a note requesting an audition it says dearest milk leg i elven
Starting point is 00:13:11 sore bartholomew am the head of an acting troupe and we've heard just such great things about you and we would love it if you would audition for our new play a silly little boy summons a demon you play the silly little boy and you summon a demon and he becomes your best pal. If you could please send in a self-addressed memory stone to this address with your monologue, this following monologue.
Starting point is 00:13:33 Just let us see if you're right for the part. Hugs and kisses, Elvinsor Bartholomew. Kieran rolls up the note and hands it to a raven and whispers, neutral milk hotel, to the raven
Starting point is 00:13:43 and the raven takes off into the night and then meanwhile he goes because now he knows he needs to craft an alibi for himself no one is going to be in this mausoleum singing to his father except for him so he grabs a memory stone and he flips open to his book now that's what i call dwarven lamentation rights and flips to the chapter on bereavement and for for the next 12 hours, he skips out on dinner that night. He feigns a tummy ache and he sings for 12 hours in a muffled room and records the lamentation so that if anyone asks, it'll be there. So the next morning, the lamentation is set to begin. Kieran has the memory stone with 12 hours of his chanting
Starting point is 00:14:22 in hand. And meanwhile, back at Nutri Milk Hotel, Milk Leg is just having the brunch of his life in his bed. And a raven brings him a note with an audition. And he goes, ooh, an audition. I'll get to that shortly, as soon as we finish cutting back to my brother. Okay, cutting back to Kieran. Kieran is in the middle of a funeral procession. You know, thousands of dwarves of the Underhill have come out to mourn his beloved father. He's following the coffin into the mausoleum.
Starting point is 00:14:49 And as he steps in behind his father's sarcophagus, the giant stone door rolls shut. And immediately, he abandons his cloak. He's already got more mysterious, anonymous writing gear on underneath all of his dwarven finery. He has innate gold pieces. He throws them, casts them off in the corner. He sets out the memory stone and presses play on it. And then the sound of his voice echoing in the hall singing the dwarven lamentation ride begins.
Starting point is 00:15:15 And then he uses the family's ancient secret passage out of the mausoleum where a horse is waiting for him on the other side of the mountain. And he makes deadly haste across the hills to the Neutral Milk Hotel, which is in Neutral Land, the neighboring kingdom. They never get involved in wars. And so he sneaks up to the hotel and peers in on the window where his brother is... His brother is chanting.
Starting point is 00:15:39 He goes, hey, I'm Milk Leg. I am represented by CVS. And I'm going to perform this monologue from A Silly Boy Summons a Demon. Oh, Kali Ma, Shakti De, Shakti De, Kali Ma, I call to you, please burn this silly, silly boy. And in that moment, as he says, please burn this silly, silly boy,
Starting point is 00:15:58 a portal opens up from hell. A demon comes out and goes, no problem, bro, and touches him, and he goes, no, no, I didn't. It was just a play. And it gets touched and he incinerates instantly into a bunch of ashes. And he is dead inside of his room. And it happened so quickly that probably nobody even really heard much of a scuffle beyond his initial yelp of pain. With cat-like tread, Kieran sneaks in through the window, knowing he only has precious seconds because the people would have heard this massive noise.
Starting point is 00:16:26 He finds the envelope that he sent, the Raven's Note, and snatches it and casts it into the fire that's already burning in the room, and it gets engulfed in the embers and burns into smoke. Then he finds the Memory Stone and switches it off,
Starting point is 00:16:39 and he very carefully switches it off so it looks like it hasn't been nudged or anything like that. And then he draws forth a stone knife called the Final Cut. And he uses it to subtly pare off the edges of the stone that whoever rewatches it
Starting point is 00:16:53 will not see this beginning where he explains that it was an audition. And they'll think this was someone sort of essentially creating a memory stone of them summoning a demon and it going horribly, horribly awry. Great. And then with that, he makes a light back out the window, rides his horse back and gets
Starting point is 00:17:09 back just in time for the end of his lamentations, just like in that episode of Poker Face with the barbecue. And he quickly puts on his robes investments and rolls the door back open and walks back out to the mournful faces of the crowd. And so having done that, the perfect murder is complete. And now I'm going to call the detectives back in to investigate the crime scene. The scene that you walk into,
Starting point is 00:17:38 there is fantasy police tape cordoning off a room of neutral milk hotel. Inside this room, the thing that immediately draws your eye is a big pile of ash. It's a police sketch artist. Put that pencil down. You don't gotta draw a picture of me. And he goes, oh, what am I doing here?
Starting point is 00:17:54 I'm supposed to be at the station. Or at the courthouse. Remember, they don't have photography in this world, so they would have a crime scene investigator like at the place in the movie. According to Dungeons and Daddies canon, we have goblins that draw things quickly. So I guess it's one of those goblins. He got out of the camera.
Starting point is 00:18:10 He's a lucky one. So what you see is a bunch of ash in the center of the room and you see another dwarf and you hear somebody say the word Kieran to him. And this dwarf looks really upset. So in walk three investigators or maybe your private investigators do you want to be private investigators you might be sure we can be private why would you be cops wouldn't you if you're if it's caught off by police sure we're detectives trio you're only two of them walk in you're not there yet okay okay so what just a sinking feeling in my in my gut right now so what do we see when you two walk in, Beth and Freddie?
Starting point is 00:18:46 Okay, so you know McGruff? The crime dog? Yeah. It's McGruff. It's me, Detective Doggo. I solve dog-related crimes and pupper-related mishaps. Okay. This is my partner.
Starting point is 00:19:00 Introduce yourself, partner. Hey, it's Dan Granger. I'm a lycanthrope. But I'm also, like, the hairiest motherfucker you've ever seen. So you're both dogs? Yes. No. Maybe he thinks that, but...
Starting point is 00:19:15 So the cop on duty, the patrolman, says, Excuse me. Yeah, I was given an understanding there was three of you. Excuse me, sorry. So you hear a rumbling, a bum bum bum. Sorry. The walls shake around you squish sorry and then slowly through the door just the head of a 24 foot tall fog giant
Starting point is 00:19:33 peeks in hey sorry guys really small in here my name's schmaug or Schmaug depending it's okay you can however you want to pronounce it how's the crime scene theme so Matt decided on a fog giant before I told him
Starting point is 00:19:52 that it's all a dwarven underground thing anyway it's gonna be outside right we're solving he's for some reason
Starting point is 00:19:58 he took it as great he's like we're definitely solving a crime outside right yeah that was his first question
Starting point is 00:20:04 I didn't want to pivot. So that's what it is. The patrolman says, yeah, so what it looks like we've got here is... Don't tell me my job, man. Okay, fair enough. But what does it look like?
Starting point is 00:20:14 Well, it looks like this pile of ash used to be this fellow's brother. This is Kieran Underhill. The name under the registry is that of Milkleg Underhill, and that looks like the pile of ash we've got here.
Starting point is 00:20:22 People heard a scream. They felt a lot of flame, a really quick explosion of flame coming from this room. Uh-huh. And then we got this. People, when you say people, where are these people? The other guests in the hotel. How many other guests?
Starting point is 00:20:34 Two. How big is this hotel? I can't tell. This hotel seats three people. How do you make money with two people? The guy at the front desk comes up and he goes, our rates are exorbitant! And then he steps back down the stairs. Hey, front desk man, did you hear anything?
Starting point is 00:20:48 Yeah, I heard some chanting, and then I heard flame, and then I heard nothing. Oh, the nature of the chanting. Was it demonic? Was it friendly? It sounded demonic in nature, yeah. Was it friendly chanting, or was it... I mean, it was friendly in terms of being demonic, yeah. It sounded like somebody wanted to make good friends with a...
Starting point is 00:21:04 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know from demons. Now, somebody said you believe it's the brother of Kieran? Yeah. So when you assume. Yeah, that's the cop. When you assume something, you make an ass out of you and some guy named ass. Well, Kieran said it was his brother.
Starting point is 00:21:26 Well, we're going to need to hold everyone here. But now there's no body. There's no fingerprints. It's just a pile of ash. There's no body? Kieran, you led me to believe that there were reasons for this to be your brother, and he points at you, Kieran, and he's... Yes, detectives, this is the room
Starting point is 00:21:39 that my dear brother Milkleg said he was staying in. Well, I think you did it. You were here? Beth is on top of it. Beth is Columbo incarnate. Peter Falk is back. Slow down, Dan. You think I did what?
Starting point is 00:21:54 I think you made an ass out of you and some guy named Ass. Someone is being an ass in the presence of Kieran Underhill, acting king of Underhill Mountain, which is who I am. Oh, I'm so sorry. And if you're going to accuse a regent such as I of a crime, there's a whole procedure for that. But since you seem like a hirsute gentleman of the lycanthrope persuasion, I'll just chalk it off to your uncultured nature and let that one slide.
Starting point is 00:22:20 What were you doing when he died? I guess we're questioning him now. We're questioning you. Yeah, what were you doing when he- Do're questioning died we're questioning you yeah what were you doing do i need to have a lawyer present no we're just asking questions i have nothing to hide ask away i as much as anyone want to find my brother's killer why would you want to buy a gift for you we never said he was dead he's this is his pile of ashes on the ground i believe so the patrolman points at the thing of ash he He goes, well, there's a little,
Starting point is 00:22:45 you can see a golden ring there, like a golden signet ring. Oh, my brother's ring. Yeah. And I drop to my knees and I look it over and say, yes, yes, I remember when his father, my father, we have the same father, gave us these rings.
Starting point is 00:22:57 See, I have a matching one. Yeah, so that's why we think. I'd like to examine both of those rings closely. Okay. What do I see? Give me a d20 roll with advantage funny how that works that's uh 14 okay so the 14 you can tell that these are two genuine underhill family crest rings they are effectively identical but one has a little bit more
Starting point is 00:23:17 wear and tear on it that would be kieran's because he's actually spent his time working in the mines the other one looks a lot more polished a lot lot more nice. So Milklegs is polished. You can find out about Milklegs by asking Kieran. Kieran, if you have nothing to hide. I'm sorry, could you speak a little quieter? Your voice is very loud. That's rude. This, I am whispering. How does a fog giant wind up on the police force, if I may ask?
Starting point is 00:23:39 That's a long story. I'd love to hear it. Hey, let's not get sidetracked here. No. You always talk about your stories. No, I don't. Buddy, you do. Yes, I do.
Starting point is 00:23:52 That's yes anding, everybody. Look. Yes, I do, because they're good. You guys talking about your backstories reminds me of my backstory. Let's hear your back. It's pretty tragic. He's got a tragic backstory. Why don't you tell it?
Starting point is 00:24:04 Well, he's a thing. And while he's telling it, I'm going to sniff Kieran. Okay. Because fog giants have super good sense of smell and can track people. So I just want to get that in my hard drive. I just want to get a scent in my hard drive. In your hard drive? Like a dog.
Starting point is 00:24:19 That way we're walking around the hotel. Yeah, if you smell Kieran somewhere, you'll be like, this is Kieran. There's two other dog characters in your're gonna i'm looking at my abilities and fog giants according to the forgotten realms fandom.wiki jesus present a good sense of smell allowing them to attract creatures by their scent speak of the detective doggos that's your whole thing no you're telling me no no no no for whatever reason matt has smell sense i didn't look up fog giants before i decided to beat one i just i just i'm looking at it now right if you want to roll for a sense of smell it's not gonna hurt but i'm doing it now all right go ahead and roll go ahead and then and then we'll continue with your uh it's an 18 all right so you have kieran underhill's scent locked and loaded in your olfactories. It's the scent of shortcomings by dwarf Calvin Klein.
Starting point is 00:25:06 Wow. Yeah, my wife and kid were eaten by a wolf. I don't know who did it. I don't know what kind of bastard turned into a wolf and then ate my wife and child. When I find that motherfucker,
Starting point is 00:25:22 I don't know what I'm gonna do. Hopefully forgive them, because they may not have known what they did. It sounds like you all have a lot going on. I'm very busy. I have a coronation to attend. As I said, I'm a regent. I'm not the full king yet, but I have to get prepared for that. There's a lot for me to do.
Starting point is 00:25:38 It seems to me... But just real quick, just give us your story, your sequence of events of what happened. What events? Are you considering this a homicide? Well, how did you find... Why are you here? Because my brother died. Yeah, but how did you get here?
Starting point is 00:25:51 I was notified that my brother died. Who notified you? How? When? Give me the details. Damn it, man. I'm in grief. How dare you come at me like some sort of...
Starting point is 00:26:01 I proffer a little hanky. I snatch your hanky, and I use it I proffer a little hanky. I snatch your hanky and I use it to pull out my own hanky, which I then blow my nose with and throw your hanky back at you. I pick it up from the ground. So yes, from the beginning. From the beginning? Well, this morning there was a knock at my door and it was the Kingsguard and they said, we have a horrible piece of news for you. Your brother was killed last night. Which Kingsguard? Do you have a guy? You have a name? My Kingsguard? They're my father's guards. I don't name them.
Starting point is 00:26:28 They have names, I'm sure. There's the tall one. There's the slightly less tall one. Golden Boy, I call the third one. It was Golden Boy. Is that who notified you? Golden Boy told me that there was a horrible accident here and I rode out as fast as I could. What time would that be?
Starting point is 00:26:44 I found out this morning. How does time work in this place? So the policeman goes, I got some of his alibis. So basically the last time he saw his brother was yesterday, right after his brother showed up at the beginning of the day in like 9am in the morning, somewhere thereabouts as they realized that their dad had died the night
Starting point is 00:26:59 before. Nine stone in the Don Rock, as we say under the mountain. And we slang that to 9am. So it'll be easier for you to track. He saw his brother. 9 a.m. means atop the mountain. Atop the mountain? Yeah, so 9 a.m.
Starting point is 00:27:12 That's where clouds are. 9 a.m. he saw his brother after their dad died. Their brother came back after a long stint of being an actor out in the other parts of the Forgotten Realms. So this is Milkleg, the actor. This is Milkleg, the actor, allegedly. That's who died. Yes! Yes, that's who died. And you did it. No! The last time he's on was then.
Starting point is 00:27:32 He then spent the rest of the day, he can't account for his movements for the rest of the day, but, um, pretty solid out, I would say. The next morning was the, what did you call it again? The dark, the chance something? The Dwarven Lamentation R dark chance? Dwarven lamentation ritual. Dwarven lamentation ritual. Allow me, detective. My brother showed up. I hadn't seen him in some
Starting point is 00:27:50 time. And then he told me he was coming home because he'd heard the tragic news of our father's passing. And he rode off to Neutral Milk Hotel to gather the rest of his things. That night, I wept as did my entire kingdom for my father. And I readied myself in mind and body for the lamentation ritual, which took place all the next day, where I was sealed in a mausoleum with my father and sang a lamentation song for 12 hours. Why? And then I went to sleep because I was tired,
Starting point is 00:28:17 and then I woke up and found out that my brother had died. So, this lamentation ritual. Pretty smelly in there. Any fire that comes with that? Fire? Any like burning people alive? There are some candles, I believe. Oh, candles.
Starting point is 00:28:30 Okay. And yes, we cover the scent of my father's corpse with rock incense, which we make out of our most floral rocks down deep in the mountain. I don't know what that has to do with this. Police officer. Yeah. Climb into my mouth. Why?
Starting point is 00:28:46 So I can talk to you without him hearing me. And I go, ooh! And I open my mouth. Alright, so I was like, can we all go in there? Listen, you can trust this guy's mouth. Is this a mouth huddle? Yeah, a mouth huddle. Okay, so we all go in your mouth. Before you enter, just put your hands
Starting point is 00:29:02 on the edges of my cheeks so you can feel my language so you're speaking through vibrations yeah okay great police officer keep him inside this room not let him leave oh okay i mean i have nothing to keep him on unless you have some proof i can't keep keep him somewhere. Nah, no, we don't. That's okay. He's going to be around. He's going to be, I think we'll be able to, just a quick question here.
Starting point is 00:29:29 Do you want me to open this mouth again or not? It's up to you. What? What was your question? What were you going to say, Freddy? From inside the mouth, you go, did your brother have any enemies? I opened my mouth up a little bit, like a little window so you can poke your head out. I poked my head out. So a dog, a dog's head poked out. Hey, did your brother have any enemies? I open my mouth up a little bit like a little window so you can poke your head out. I poke my head out.
Starting point is 00:29:45 So a dog's head pokes out. Hey, did your brother have any enemies? My brother did. No, he was a simple man. He was an actor. He was a bit of a troubadour, a bit of a troublemaker. He did dabble in demon summoning now and then. Does lamentation.
Starting point is 00:30:00 Oh, interesting. Quick question. Lamentation ritual. The thing everybody does when someone dies. Well, he was supposed to be there with me. That's the strange thing. I don't know. But judging by the temperature of these ashes,
Starting point is 00:30:12 maybe he died while that was going on. I was busy doing something else. Let me describe what else is in the room just because I forgot some basic specifics. So there's a bed. There's an end table. I let everybody out. There's a bed.
Starting point is 00:30:22 There's an end table. There's a very large head with a mouth that stinks that three people just walked out of. There is a fireplace with a poker next to it and one of those little, like, great thingy, like, little movable, like, what do you call them? The gates in front of the thing? A fireplace? Well, the thing in front of the fireplace, the little, like, three-panel gate thing that's,
Starting point is 00:30:37 like, translucent. Oh, yeah. The ash guard. Ash guard, sure. Or sparks. So those are the relevant things in the room. Yeah, okay. And a bunch of, like, luggage that is unopened and unrelevant to this.
Starting point is 00:30:46 Hey, Schmuck! Schmuck! Can I roll to see if he'll take the threat to be like, keep him in the room? Yeah, go for it. I got an 11. So he goes like, no, it's against the law. I can't keep him here. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:30:56 That's fair. So, Kieran, this milk leg, your older brother? My older brother, yes. I hate older brothers even more than I hate clouds. Okay. What a dense tapestry we're getting of this guy's backstory. Kieran, Kieran, Kieran, Kieran, when your brother didn't show up. It is, not to make too fine of a point, thank you.
Starting point is 00:31:20 Yeah, your highness, your highness Kieran. When your brother didn't show up. I'm sorry, do you call the Highness Kieran. When your brother didn't show up. I'm sorry. Do you call the King of Neverwinter your Highness Jeff? Uh-huh. That's his last name? I forgot that his name is- You know Jeff?
Starting point is 00:31:34 His last name is Jeff. I forgot. You know King Jeff. I do know King Jeff. I think he would technically be King Underhill, but King Kieran is probably- Yeah, whatever. Great question. Great question.
Starting point is 00:31:42 Mouth huddle. When your brother didn't show up- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold question, great question. Mouth huddle. When your brother didn't show up, hold on, hold on, hold on. Who what? When your brother didn't show up, did you send for him? Did you? I was trapped in a mausoleum at the time, so no.
Starting point is 00:31:53 If we dwarves do not sing the lamentation rites, our forefathers will not descend to the dwarven afterworld. So I had to go do that. And I hoped that he would come and he never did. And I was gravely concerned. Afterwards, what did you do? Afterwards, we had our king's horses and king's men search far and wide for him. Where did they look for him?
Starting point is 00:32:12 And then we found him at Neutral Milk Hotel. That's what I was told the next morning. Why was he there? Seeing a lass enjoying some games of dice? Why was he here? Well, I believe that my brother was established at this establishment while he was pursuing his acting career, and he needed to wrap things up here, or so he told
Starting point is 00:32:30 me when he went out. So that's why he came. First to check in with me at the news of our father's death, and then he came back here to tidy up his affairs. So you sent the king's horses and the king's men out for him, right? Yes. But even Humpty Dumpty couldn't make this story
Starting point is 00:32:46 fail. So, Kieran, my question is, how are you doing with the news? Not only of your brother's passing, but that you are gonna be the king. Well, it's much to bear, but I shall endeavor
Starting point is 00:33:02 to endure for the sake of the mighty Underhill people. My people. Did it come as a shock? Of course it came as a shock. I was shocked. Okay, really quick. Also, fuck, this is the most important thing. What am I doing? I was wondering when we were going to get to this.
Starting point is 00:33:17 I'm so sorry. I'm focusing on so many things I forgot to put. The policeman goes, oh, also there was this. And he pulls out a memory stone. A memory stone. And he hits play on it. And in there, you see a person who looks like. Lieutenant, this seems very cogent to our investigation. Yeah, I can't believe I didn't.
Starting point is 00:33:32 You fool. I forgot. There was a memory stone here? My brother's last moments on earth? But perhaps. Sorry. I'm sorry. My bad.
Starting point is 00:33:38 I was distracted by a lot of other clues that I was trying to keep. I'm adding you as a suspect. So you see somebody that looks like they could be a close relative, a slightly older relative of Kiran. Kiran looks like you, but a little bit different. That's my brother. That's how brothers work. You see the guy going,
Starting point is 00:33:53 I call to you, I call to you, demon of fire and flame. I'm just a silly boy. Go ahead and come out, demon of fire and flame. And then a big demon of fire and flame comes out and goes, yeah, no problem, bro. And then touches him with one flaming finger, and then he dissolves into ash. Doesn't he have an acting voice, weren't we saying?
Starting point is 00:34:10 That was my acting voice. So I can see why he's not getting work. Yes, he was a man of many passions, but not of many talents. So he was murdered by a demon. Looks like, or he summoned a demon. I mean, demons are out of our jurisdiction, so if that's the case. So it looks murdered by a demon. It looks like he summoned a demon. I mean, demons are out of our jurisdiction, so if that's the case...
Starting point is 00:34:27 Also, it looks like our work here is done. We have here maybe the evidence of a demon killing this man. So Milkleg's girlfriend runs in and she goes,
Starting point is 00:34:34 there's got to be more to it than that. I know he would never summon a demon. He hates demons. He told me that multiple times. I'm sorry, who are you?
Starting point is 00:34:41 I'm Milkleg's girlfriend. My name is Polonium. Polonium. He never mentioned a Polonium. Well, I never mentioned, who are you? I'm Milkleg's girlfriend. My name is Polonium. Polonium. He never mentioned a Polonium. Well, I never mentioned my wife, you know? But sometimes I do. Yeah, sometimes people don't talk about their girlfriends. Sometimes I think he was ashamed of me
Starting point is 00:34:54 because I'm just a dancing girl in the- Stop talking. Big face guy. Two suspects- She had to squeeze by your enormous cheek to get into this room too. The entire room rattles. Two suspects. She had to squeeze by your enormous cheek to get into this room, too. The entire room rattles. Two suspects should not talk to each other.
Starting point is 00:35:09 Okay, you can leave. I look at Kieran. Kieran, just one more question. Yes? You got any other brothers? No, just the one, but only not anymore. Trick question, you don't have any brothers. Yeah, you got you there.
Starting point is 00:35:24 It puts a finger to his eye to wipe a tear, have any brothers. Yeah, you got to though. It puts a finger to his eye to wipe a tear, and if you notice, it's his middle finger, and he leaves. Well, Karen, Karen, if we want more follow-up questions, where can we find you? The policeman says Castle Underhill. We can go to Castle Underhill. Okay, Castle Underhill. You can speak with my lawyers. The law office is fucking off.
Starting point is 00:35:41 Very clever. Boys, mouth huddle, please. Okay, all right. Make the noise of your mouth opening. Oh, come on. Sounds like somebody having an orgasm. At the L.A. Philharmonic, a cloud giant opened up its mouth.
Starting point is 00:35:59 We walk into your mouth, and I take a comfortable seat on your tongue. I've grinded two of my molars to make perfect seats for the two of you. Yeah, yeah. They're like armchairs. It makes it harder to eat, but the comfort of my friends is the most important. There's always, like, food stuck in there? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:16 That's always the problem. I love that the scale of this is going to make it impossible for people to draw fan art. That's not too big. I'm, like, 50 feet tall here. Shmug, what's your... What do you have? A big head. Shmug, what's your, where do you have a big head? Shmug, what's your thought? We should definitely interview the girlfriend
Starting point is 00:36:28 and they should not talk in case they are in cahoots. But secondly, let's check his alibi. If he was in this so-called, where was he? I should be able to smell him. If he was there for 12 hours, that place would smell nothing but him. That's a good point.
Starting point is 00:36:43 Now here's the other thing I want to do. Before we do that, I love it. Let's take a quick look around the room, see if there's him. That's a good point. Now, here's the other thing I want to do. Before we do that, I love it. Let's take a quick look around the room, see if there's anything going on for us. That's what I was thinking.
Starting point is 00:36:49 Okay, if either of you would like to roll perception, or both of you, if you wish. I'd like to look also specifically up the chimney, see if there's a way in
Starting point is 00:36:55 from the chimney. Okay, roll with advantage, Freddy. That's a 13. Okay, so with a 13, you see that there's nothing up the chimney, but you do see
Starting point is 00:37:04 a 70% burnt note in the fireplace. The letters you can make out from it are D-I-T-I-O-N. Pretty interesting. Judging by the condition of this note, D-I-T-I-O-N.
Starting point is 00:37:19 I said, judging by the condition of this note, there's more to it. Detectives, I'd like to postulate. It's slouching towards Faerun by Joan Dishian. I have a detective's little bit of a theory. Is it a special edition theory? I think this man was auditioning for a part.
Starting point is 00:37:40 And this part required him to summon a demon. And this demon, in in fact killed him. Whether or not this was on purpose is yet to be determined and who sent this note is very important. Oh, oh, smell this note real good.
Starting point is 00:37:54 I can only hold one smell in my nose at once. Great balancing. That's a good balancing mechanic. I like that, man. That's good. Bring the note and when we are done smelling... I don't know why I always want to say Kendall.
Starting point is 00:38:10 Kieran. When we're done smelling, Kieran, I shall smell the note. All right. Should we check with the girlfriend what he was auditioning for? Perhaps the person who brought the audition to be is the one who did the murdering. Freddie, go ahead and mark something on your sheet, just a little marker for yourself. Inspiration, basically. You can use that to get
Starting point is 00:38:28 another advantage on a roll. Got it, thank you. Ooh, that means we're close. Made a good jump. Good logical jump. We should jump in the expedition. Well, hold on, we should do it real quick, just to be clear. We already proved it's audition. I know, I know. I'm just in the room, want to just check a couple quick things. Has the bed been
Starting point is 00:38:43 slept in? No. Bed has bed been slept in? No. Bed has not been slept in. But has somebody in it? It looks like it was made for fucking. Somebody turned down the bed. This bed was made for fucking. The bed was turned down. No one has slept in it as of the last 24 hours. Yes, but turned down for what?
Starting point is 00:39:03 For what dark purposes is Turton down? All right. I'd like to invoke my D&D skill, detective sense. Is there any, like, unfound clues that I, or is this room done? Or did it play a chant, and then you said, think I better go check out another location. Yeah, think I better check it out. The icon for this location on your mini-map turned gray.
Starting point is 00:39:21 Like, you've pretty much found what you want. Yeah, we got a letter, we got the sign, and we got... And also, to be clear, it does sound like the girlfriend was just a character to just push us. It's not an actual character. Unless was that a feint by Anthony. It wasn't. After our last mystery recording,
Starting point is 00:39:35 I have given up on subtlety. So no, it is not. You're fine. We could check her off. Great. Her name was NPC. Well, we'd like to see this mausoleum where the old king is held.
Starting point is 00:39:45 So you go to the mausoleum and you find big stone statues of dwarves, which are ironic because dwarves are small, I guess. What condition is the mausoleum? God damn it, Beth. You already did condition. Damn it. It's in pretty good condition. It is well kept.
Starting point is 00:40:01 There's also a dwarven tour guide who's with you. He's like, I'm the ambassador sent to talk to the cops. I'm the only one who knows how to talk to cops. So yes, there is a deus there. Ah, a cop talking tradition. That's me, yes. We just, just by tradition, we don't terribly care for cops
Starting point is 00:40:14 and I know how to treat you right. And he's massaging your shoulders. And he goes, so there's a deus and that's where we put the deceased. And then that little pool down there is where one kneels and then chants for 12 hours straight. I want to enter alone and nobody has been in here since, correct? How are you in the room?
Starting point is 00:40:29 I'm scrolling. How big are you? I'm 20 feet tall. So if I was laying down on all fours and squishing through, that could fit through a door. I feel like Matt should have to do an acrobatics check to see if he gets stuck. If you're trying to get your whole body in there, yeah. I see my head in there. Just your head in there, I think you could squeeze it.
Starting point is 00:40:45 I think you carry head grease with you all the time. I love the idea that this is going on. And for all of us, it's just like a normal detective thing. But then for Matt, it's like one of those fucking cave diving TikToks. Yeah, I'm like a spelunking right now. Where the guys are like, I could just squeeze through this tape. Squeeze here. And you're like watching.
Starting point is 00:41:01 You're like, I can't watch these videos. They're so claustrophobic. All business in this dwarven undercity has shut down for the day. Squeeze here and you're like watching. You're like, I can't watch these videos. They're so claustrophobic. All business in this dwarven undercity has shut down for the day because your fat ass is just stuck in the middle of it. Behind Matt every single time there's just a dwarf being like, Hey, I'm going as fast as I can. I don't like this anymore than you. I'm Jiggerdorf. We get a lot of traffic in the southbound mineshaft.
Starting point is 00:41:21 Looks like a big dummy thick fog. He's got a great big ass. All right. I just want to know, has anybody else been in here? No. Kieran brought in his father, and then he left with his father after the 12 hours. So as far as I know, nobody else has been in here. Okay.
Starting point is 00:41:35 I stick my head in. I just take a big old whiff. Okay. Give me a roll with advantage because you locked his scent in. The one non-dog character. First one's 18. Let's see if i get better than that 17 oh this google thank you google you have a very faint whiff of kieran nowhere near as strong as it should be if he had been in here for 12 hours detectives he was not in here for 12 hours how many hours was he in here less that's that That's all I can say, but definitely less.
Starting point is 00:42:06 Like a lot less. With an 18, we'll say that. Not like an error, like, ooh, was it actually 11? Like he was like telling the truth, but lying, but like 10 minutes, maybe. Like an hour to 10 minutes, I would say. Or there was like an article of clothing
Starting point is 00:42:19 that was in here for like 12 hours, but not the actual person. But that would still be he wasn't in here. Yeah, either way, you could tell because your 18 was so high, he was probably only in here for 5-10 minutes. Dwarven guard, what should we call you? Dwarven guard. You can call me my name. Yes. As Esma.
Starting point is 00:42:35 As Esma. As Esma, yeah, like you're stuttering. Esma. As Esma, quick question. No way in, no way out of this chamber. Well, I mean, there's a door. Oh my god, look at that. That's how we got inside. Oh shit. But now there's no way in, no way out of this chamber. Well, I mean, there's a door. Oh my God, look at that. That's how we got inside. Oh shit. But now there's no way in or no way out. Yes, now that your big face is blocking it,
Starting point is 00:42:50 there's no way in or out, correct. Seal tight. Please stop sucking up all the oxygen. Now, Kieran said that they lock you in here. He said that. Is that true? Yes, but we give a key to the person inside just in case of any accident so they don't suffocate.
Starting point is 00:43:03 Like an escape room. Yeah, there's essentially a button on the wall. There's a button when you're done grieving and you're not quite ready yet and you have to go to the bathroom really bad. What's the sense chamber? Sensory deprivation chamber. Or sensory deprivation chamber. Yes. Hey, quick question.
Starting point is 00:43:18 We do not leave the person inside with no way of leaving. They're supposed to be in here for 12 hours. Where do they go to poop? I mean, they fast before anything. Use the corner. He points at the most horrifying corner you've ever seen in your entire life. I squeeze in past the fog giant. So you're talking to just me, by the way.
Starting point is 00:43:34 If you squeeze in past me, that means you're in the room staring at my face and everybody else is behind me. You can hear their muffled voices from behind his body. Nobody else went into the room. Nobody else is in the room. Oh, well, then I don't go in the room. I just approach. Stop talking. Let me turn around so I can hear their muffled voices from behind his body. Nobody else went into the room. Like, nobody else is in the room. Oh, well, then I don't go in the room. I just approach. Stop talking.
Starting point is 00:43:47 Let me turn around so I can hear you, too. And I right myself so that my butt is now sticking through the room and my face is where everybody else is. Wait, so you go all the way into the room and then stick your butt? Look, I just want to hear you. Talking to my butt. Your head was in. Now you pulled your head out. Yes.
Starting point is 00:44:00 There's a corner with a pot in it. It's not very pretty, but, you know, business is business. And, you know, we dwarves are all about business. It must be done sometimes. So you won't mind if I need to right now? I don't think we have a pot big enough for you. No, no, no, no, no. As Esmo says, I believe you might kill.
Starting point is 00:44:16 You might try the bottomless pit down at the bottom of the mountain. There's sort of a Mount Vesuvius situation I foresee happening if you were to take a dump down here. Jurassic Park. Yeah. That is one big pile of shit. Detectives, I didn't know you were stopping by today.
Starting point is 00:44:30 Yes, why are you here? It's still today, though. Yeah, it took you 12 hours to get here. I still didn't know you were stopping by today. So it took you about six hours to get from the Neutral Milk Hotel back to Castle Underhill.
Starting point is 00:44:39 Oh, wow, so we're far away. Yeah, it was six hours from Neutral Milk Hotel to Castle Underhill. You, sir, are nothing but a lying older brother cloud. The two worst things you could be. I'm neither a cloud nor an older brother.
Starting point is 00:44:51 I'm a younger brother. Whatever do you mean, detective? I smelled you and I smelt this room and you were not in here for 12 hours. Explain yourself. Yeah, you keep this up, you might find yourself on the road to perdition. God. God damn it. Is that what this is about? Oh, I have a very simple explanation for that. As I told you at the hotel, I've been
Starting point is 00:45:13 wearing this new cologne, you see, and I put it on this morning, so that's why I smell different than I smelled last night. Oh, I wish we could go back in time and you could smell me when I was mourning my dead father, but we have a new tradition where after a death like that, new you, new scent. And we put on a new scent in the morning. So I smell different than I did. I do not believe you. Well, that does not fly. Let me take a look around the mausoleum.
Starting point is 00:45:40 Be my guest. I'd be happy to give you a tour of the mausoleum. I don't need a tour. I can just use my own senses. So let's let Beth go ahead and investigate the mausoleum. I don't need a tour. I can just use my own senses. So let's let Beth go ahead and investigate the mausoleum, if you like. Sure. Or we could maybe split up, handle several locations at once. We could, but no matter what, we're just going to be doing scenes one after another.
Starting point is 00:45:58 So if you just want to ensure you're not around for somebody's scene, that's a thing you could do. That's fair. That's fair. All right. I'm going to take a look around. Why do you always want to leave us? not around for somebody's scene, that's a thing you could do. That's fair. That's fair. All right. I'm going to take a look around. Why do you always want to leave us? All right, go ahead and roll. Just like a cloud drifting away.
Starting point is 00:46:11 Why would you just stay? I'm just thinking about my wife and my kid. Give me a roll. They left me. Fuck. A three. All right. With a three, you can't tell whether or not you have all the clues from here.
Starting point is 00:46:23 Sometimes I feel like I'm not working with all the clues. Not to call it bullshitty on Will's defense, but I feel like I would have known it was like a cologne smell. How can I roll against- As Esma says, like, well, that sounds very hard to prove in a court of law, I'm afraid. We can't have such scandals happening to our new monarch before he's even been sworn in. I would be happy to have you smell my clean, naked body, if that would help you, detective. Sure, go.
Starting point is 00:46:46 Okay, very well. Where do I go? How to have you smell my clean, naked body if that would help you, detective. Sure, go. Okay, very well. Where do I go? How do I do that? Dude, get naked. Why are you ashamed of your body? No, you go into the mausoleum by yourself, and then there's a giant head staring at you as you take off your clothes and sniffs you. Yeah, yeah, this sounds great. Well, we're gonna catch a murderer and a pervert in the same episode,
Starting point is 00:47:02 then. Very well, and I... But they might not be the same person. I strip naked and let you smell me. I have nothing to hide. But you haven't washed the cologne off so it's like it doesn't.
Starting point is 00:47:10 Yes. I've rolled 18 three times in a row. I just want to be like I smell your naked body. Yeah, like that says he hasn't washed the cologne off yet
Starting point is 00:47:17 so you're still just getting a lot of the cologne but you can tell through whatever subterfuge he's trying to do that he was only in this room for about 10 minutes until now.
Starting point is 00:47:24 Mouth huddle. Okay, that's sweet. I just want to talk to you three. So with an 18, I also tell you that's basically the last clue you need in the mausoleum. I think we should not let him know that we don't know or that we do know, but he was definitely still only here for five or 10 minutes.
Starting point is 00:47:39 Let's go somewhere else. Let's play it slow. Okay, let's play it cool. Why don't you say that we believe him? Okay, all right, I'll come out. I don't understand, detective. If you're saying that I've only been here, there's only one door in and out, and nobody saw me leave.
Starting point is 00:47:52 Okay, so I lied. There's one more clue for you to find. No one saw me. I walked in while thousands of my people, my followers, my vassals, who were mourning the death of my father, they watched me go in, and then they saw me leave 12 hours later. You know what? I'm going to take another look. Yeah, go ahead.
Starting point is 00:48:08 I want to examine that poop corner. Fuck, I won. Like, I gave all my luck to Matt, I guess. I guess so. I'd like to look at that poop corner. Yeah, examine poop corner. Seven. All right.
Starting point is 00:48:18 So with a seven, the stank of it overwhelms you, and you can tell there's more than just poop there, but your squeamishness prevents you from getting any closer take a look at that poop corner love to how big is this uh place like i can't stand up in here 20 feet tall i'm used for isn't like a mausoleum dwarves there's a mausoleum you could stand up if you could fit your whole body in but you'd have to break those doors i will say to matt's point like a human the minds of mario fit an entire balrog in it so i do feel like if he wants to stand up in here, he probably could. It's like a chamber that's built to be three stories for dwarves. I can crawl.
Starting point is 00:48:51 The point is I want to sniff for fresh air or any other exit. Okay, go for it. Let me light this Yankee candle all around. And if you can detect the scent of this Yankee candle. If we make fog, then we can see if the fog exits. I shall plug this room to be airtight. If we make fog, then we can see if the fog exits. I shall plug this room to be airtight. That's how much you care about solving crimes.
Starting point is 00:49:14 You'll meet your enemy, the cloud on the ground. So, yeah, or just smoke. Yeah, we're going to smoke the place up. Do you have, like, a special fog orifice that your fog comes out of? No, I'm just a giant that lives in fog. I don't have fog. There's actually nothing foggy about them. Yeah, but if we plug the... I've got cigarettes. If I plug the hole in and we just make some smoke,
Starting point is 00:49:27 we should be able to see the smoke. Oh, cigarettes! Yeah, yeah, cigarettes! Go in there and smoke! I'm a detective. Yeah, you two detectives do a bunch of smoking while I clog this room up. So you're both just...
Starting point is 00:49:35 A cigarette in each finger. Just like stogies. And we're just seeing where it exits. Cigarette. Great. Big Bob Marley blunts. It's just anything we can smoke. You name it, we got it, baby.
Starting point is 00:49:46 You don't have to roll for that because that's a really good idea. Yeah, you plug the hole and then you see all the smoke start slowly start drifting and whispering past the poop corner into a crack in the wall. I knew there was something
Starting point is 00:49:55 in the poop corner. And that crack in the wall, once you manipulated it, it turns out to be a door that you can open and go to his fingers. I'm sorry. Once you stick just the right amount of fingers in there to stimulate the door, it opens up and you to his fingers. I'm sorry. Once you stick just the right amount of fingers in there to stimulate the door,
Starting point is 00:50:05 it opens up and you see that there's a secret passage. Where does the secret passage lead? The secret passage leads to outside. Does the secret passage smell like our boy? Give me one more roll. It's going to be hard to smell that over the stench of 18,000 cigarettes. Dude, it's amazing realizing that if Columbo could just smell real good, he would fucking, he doesn't need the steel trap behind him at all. I got 19.
Starting point is 00:50:34 I got 19. Yes, he definitely went through here. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's make sure our cases are tight. So what you know thus far is that Kieran was in here for maybe five minutes, then left. Yeah. And you know that the brother seemingly on memory stone summoned a demon and died to the demon's hands.
Starting point is 00:50:52 Yeah. Okay. I feel like we should still play it cool and not tell him that. I agree. I agree. Yeah. Columbo doesn't have to go, hey, I found this thing out. Hey, check this out.
Starting point is 00:51:00 A clue. Just one more thing. Halfway through the episode. Yeah. Sir, I'm sorry we smoked up your mausoleum. Yes, you'll be getting the bill for ruining all these many ancient tapestries with your smoke damage. We believe you are indeed innocent and you're no cloud. So I'm going to do.
Starting point is 00:51:19 Can I roll to sense if I believe him or not? Okay. I got natural 20. Okay. You know for sure that they suspect you more than ever. Well, well, well. I'm so glad to hear I've been cleared of suspicion.
Starting point is 00:51:29 I hope you can lay this matter to rest. Both of you are just grimacing at each other, just fucking spying under your teeth. Yeah, I shit your pinky. Thank you. You are a good sir. I'm sorry for any trouble. You are a competent detective
Starting point is 00:51:41 who I respect. I can't wait for the rest of your day to go swimmingly. Likewise, I hope nothing horrible happens to you or your friends. Okay, so the other locations you can check out are the library, the sleeping quarters. Just a question from
Starting point is 00:51:57 the note, the partially burned up note. Do I get any sense it's handwritten, something about the ink, anything about the note? It is handwritten. Handwritten, anything special about the ink color? As far as you can tell, it's normal-ass ink. Sir, before you leave, can you just sign this note saying we did a good job? You don't even have to say a good job just so that
Starting point is 00:52:16 this matter is concluded. I feel like because you get a natural 20, that it's up to you whether you want to do that or not will. Ah, yes. I'd be happy to, and I... Scrabble. I take the piece of of paper and I pull out my signet ring. And I say, this is as good as a king's handshake. Many, many people, in fact, can forge a king's handwriting. But only one person has this signet ring.
Starting point is 00:52:38 And so I dip it in wax and I seal it. And just remember, anybody can forge anyone's handwriting. So if you see handwriting, it's not conclusive proof of anything. But just for the halibut, uh, let's I see what you did there. Let's see your rendition. I knew
Starting point is 00:52:58 it! I knew rendition was coming. I didn't realize that you were of such a suspicious nature, detective. If you were a dwarf, I'd have you locked up for sedition. Oh, that works too. Or should we go next? Let's look at the...
Starting point is 00:53:16 What's the sleeping quarters like? Kieran's sleeping quarters? Hey, sleeping quarters are basically just rooms side by side by side by side by side for everybody who sleeps there. Including Kieran? Including Kieran. We do dorm style down here. Like you don't have a better dorm?
Starting point is 00:53:28 All dwarves are equal. Except for the king who's special. Except for the king who has nicer stuff. Okay. All right. So when you head down into the dorms, you see all the names are on the doors. There's one called Kieran, and then the door next to him opens up, and a little old lady dwarf comes out stroking her beard, and she goes, oh, what a big boy.
Starting point is 00:53:44 Oh, what a big boy. Oh, what a big boy. Oh, excuse me. I got to go off to market. Not so fast, lady. What do you want to ask me? So, did you see anything suspicious here last night? See? You got any, like, memory stones or, like?
Starting point is 00:53:59 Well, everybody's got memory stones down here. That's what we mine. That's what we're known for. Classic. I didn't see anything. I mean, I've, well, that's probably nothing. Oh. Oh.
Starting point is 00:54:09 What's probably nothing? We want a waterboard. We happen to be. Hard cut. Okay, well, all you had to do was ask me a second time. All you had to do was ask me a second time. Yesterday. I ate McGruff the Crab Dog with a fucking sparklets thing. McGruff the Crackdown
Starting point is 00:54:25 with a fucking sparklets thing like Benicio and El Toro and Sicario. Oh, God. So, she goes,
Starting point is 00:54:35 she, yes, I, I barge into the room. The day that, and I say, who waterboarded my grandmother?
Starting point is 00:54:42 The day that the king died. Excuse me, grandmother, don't speak to these people. I'll have... Get out of my kingdom. You can't torture a denizen of my kingdom. It's not torture. We're just asking some questions. Yeah, and if she doesn't tell...
Starting point is 00:54:57 With the help of our good friend H2O. And if she doesn't tell us, then, like, she went through that for nothing, so, like... This is getting dark. Zero dark 30. The three of you are hereby banished from Dwarf Kingdom, and you shall be killed on sight if ever ye lay foot in my kingdom again.
Starting point is 00:55:18 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a coronation to attend. Come, Grandmama. She goes, okay, grandson, I suppose. Thanks for coming, though. Thanks for waterboarding me. Come, Grandmama. She goes, okay, grandson, I suppose. Thanks for coming, though. Thanks for waterboarding me. Turns out I love it. It's not offensive and sad because I love it. It's my favorite thing.
Starting point is 00:55:33 Why are you so offended? Ask your grandma if she'd rather go to your coronation or have the time of her life getting waterboarded. I bid thee good day. They'll have drinks at the coronation. Okay, when she leaves, we want to search for her diary where she wrote this down.
Starting point is 00:55:50 Okay, great. Give me a roll to see if you can avoid the guards, I'm assuming, that are going to be behind the king in tow to try to get you out. I got three. Well, as he leaves, I look at the guards. He goes, that order doesn't mean anything until he becomes king.
Starting point is 00:56:04 So we're going to keep doing our job. Well, I mean, it does count. He is acting king. I'm bigger than you. Okay, well, you're not wrong there. So try to stop me then. Oh, boy. We will solve this crime no matter what,
Starting point is 00:56:17 because we care about who killed poor boy, whose name I forget. I don't have to care about them. I just do my job and I solve crimes. In fact, I have to not care because if I cared, then every case I failed would burn me. Burn me like the case of who stole my treasure
Starting point is 00:56:36 when I was a cloud giant. I can't say anymore. Oh, God. Look at what you've done to him. I haven't seen him like this in years. I love that we're laying in these, like, season-long mysteries. I know, I know. Okay.
Starting point is 00:56:50 Did you know that fog giants are just cloud giants that lost their treasure and then get demoted? No. That's true. That's in the books. I didn't know that. And I never found out who stole my treasure even though I think it was my older brother, which is why I hate clouds and older brothers. And I will not let
Starting point is 00:57:10 this crime go unanswered. So can you leave? I will once I solve this crime. Let me roll to see if I can like sleight of hand the diary out of... Yeah, the diary that we all just sort of decide to just... As I'm screaming and yelling and distracting this person.
Starting point is 00:57:25 Fifteen. Oh, yeah. So with a fifteen, you find the diary. The system's rigged against defendants. That's all I'm going to say. So you find the diary and it reads, Good day, except for the twelve hours of nonstop chanting I heard in the room nearby to me.
Starting point is 00:57:41 I tried to knock on the door, but it didn't seem to do much good. I was waved away by my grandson, who seems to have very little respect for me, but he's a sweet boy otherwise. Now I'm off to go watch my stories. Talk to you later, diary. Love you. And then a lipstick imprint. I have a plan. Here's
Starting point is 00:57:56 what we'll do for you two to get in. Okay, guard, you told us lead the way to exit. Okay, follow me. And then you two squeeze behind me. I'm going to pretend to get stuck so the guard's on one side of me. On the one side of me. And then you two squeeze behind me. I'm going to pretend to get stuck so the guards on one side of me on the one side of me and then you two are on the other side and you can go investigate the room.
Starting point is 00:58:11 Oh, I'm trying so hard to move. Oh, I'm so sorry. My two compatriots are behind me. Yeah, what we got here is a thick boy. Push him, guys. Help me out. Oh, no. Go get the kingdom's bucket of grease. Lube.
Starting point is 00:58:28 Oh, please don't say lube. Why? It's a thing you use to get things to go through things better. Oh, no. Oh, no. We'll get the grease and the lube. Oh, God. And they go get to the fire department.
Starting point is 00:58:39 I'm allergic to silicone. That's what they all say. That's what they all say That's what they all say Bullshit We use water based lube anyway So they go off to the fire department To get some water based lube If you get your finger stuck in a
Starting point is 00:58:58 We shall go to Kai the lube smith Make sure you knock Before you go to the lube smith The loop Smith. Okay. Make sure you knock before you go to the loop Smith. Knock. You give him a good 35 seconds and then go in. Okay. So every time the loop Smith opens the door, it's like wiping his hands off.
Starting point is 00:59:17 I'm just making it. Stop looking at me weird. I make it. I know what you all use it for. I'm just making it. Your hands get greasy. Okay. So, on the other side of the big boy, what do you want to investigate?
Starting point is 00:59:30 What was the room next door? Well, they said there was a bunch of chanting coming from, I'm assuming, Kieran's room. Yeah. Yeah. So, going to Kieran's room. But there's also another room next door. Yeah. We should check both. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:39 Okay. Okay. We check the non-Kieran's room first. There's a crimson fish inside. Oh, my God. Okay. Yo, fish. It's a crimson fish inside. Oh my god. Yo, fish. It's not me!
Starting point is 00:59:48 Fair enough. Close the door! I need to use this lube I just bought from Kay. From Kai. From Kai. K-Y. K-Y. No, I got it.
Starting point is 00:59:57 Okay, good. Just make sure. We go into Kieran's room. In Kieran's room, roll investigation. 18. I love this dice. All right. So in 18, you find a bunch of stuff that doesn't seemingly matter that much.
Starting point is 01:00:09 And then you find one thing that really jumps out at you, which is a little knife that appears to be made of the same substance as the memory stones that you've been seeing. A memory stone knife. And then you see a bunch of spare memory stones if you wanted to use them. Yes, we're going to grab one. Okay. How do these work? Who are you asking? To myself. Talk asking to talk to the fish they might know oh i knock on the fish yeah what is it are you jacking off in there yeah can i quick question not anymore that was
Starting point is 01:00:35 hell yeah brother uh how do you use these things oh it's simple you just depress the button in the middle you talk and you record yourself and then you press it again when you're done and if you want to edit it afterwards, you need a final cut. So it's like the talk boy. It's like a talk boy, but yeah. Can I speed it up and slow down the playback? No. That's fucking not like the talk
Starting point is 01:00:56 boy at all. You caught everything I said, right? While you were making your goofs? Yes. What about this little knife that looks like a... Yeah, that's a final cut. Oh. So you could use that knife. Oh, I can't talk.
Starting point is 01:01:09 Oh, wait. So we use this with knives. Can you hear through your ass? I don't know, Matt. Let's find out. Roll. No, no. Use the knife.
Starting point is 01:01:18 Ah, the memory may have been edited. He was chanting in here and used that as the memory stone and cut that in instead Because wait I play back the recording of him chanting And it's like I assume in my head It's like in Star Wars when she's like
Starting point is 01:01:34 Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi There's no background Z-depth Look at this could be shot anywhere Look closely at it This could be anywhere This could be green screen resolve another point for inspiration that anyone can use no only I can because I'm a good detector I'm settling into my voice finally
Starting point is 01:01:58 Same voice you almost always Listen here, you little kid. I'm stepping into my voice. My special Freddy voice. I'm settling in to what I sound like. So where are the other places we can look? The library. So we essentially have... Do I get to do anything to derail them? You can always be near them and trying to like...
Starting point is 01:02:19 It feels like a Columbo protagonist where you're just like, well, that's this other thing that is an excuse to stay away. Oh, that's a final cut knife, I say, leaning in the doorway. How did you get in there? You're not here. How do you know I'm here? I mean, which room? How did you enter my butt? Okay. He was on this side.
Starting point is 01:02:36 He was on this side when you stopped it. That's a final cut knife. Ah, yes, we use these to hew memory stones and cut them out of the living rock. Cool. Alright, let's go to thew memory stones and cut them out of the living rock. Cool. All right, let's go to the library. So you can follow them, obviously, and go with them. Ah, the library.
Starting point is 01:02:50 I'd love to give you a guided tour. You know, some books are for the public to see and others are not. Don't you have a coronation to go to? So the librarian adjusts his glasses and he goes, ah, back again. Ah. Yes. So, you were here earlier. I'm the king.
Starting point is 01:03:02 Of course I was here earlier. Somebody likes to read. You're not the king yet. I'm the acting king. Check I was here earlier. Somebody likes to read. You're not the king yet. I'm the acting king. Check out this fucking nerd. Acting. I thought your brother was the acting king. Actor, yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:11 It's too soon to make jokes like that. Hey, who killed your wife, by the way? Was it you? The werewolf? You ever think about that one, detective? I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe your wife and son, you know, they were ripped apart by, I'd just say, I don't know. I'm just putting my own theories out.
Starting point is 01:03:26 Librarian, what should we call you? You may call me Libra. Libra. Ah, yes. Libra is one of our oldest institutions around here. Her memory can be a bit foggy, so you can't entirely trust what she says. I love it when people talk about how old I am. It's a badge of pride for me.
Starting point is 01:03:41 Also, there's nothing you can trust more than fog. Because I'm a fog giant. You're not here! What? You're still stuck, dude. You're still stuck, ding dong! Oh, they didn't lube me up yet? If they had, they would have thrown you out. Okay, we said we'd throw... Oh, wait, so I get thrown out, but these two don't get thrown out. They were on the other side.
Starting point is 01:03:59 We were on the way. Your plan worked, and now you're resenting your plan. I will allow you to inspect the library until your giant friend gets delubed and kicked out of the door, but then you really must go. All right. All right, all right. I can direct you to this section of the library. We go to the section that he's not directing us towards. Okay.
Starting point is 01:04:16 What's over here? Investigate books. Can I do a- I do a hard investigation, though. Can I do a counter roll to like- Try to beat an 18, fucker. I got an eight. Okay, so you find a bunch of books. This one is
Starting point is 01:04:28 by luck with your 18, happened to show up in the how-to section and you find a variety of how-to books. Here's my how-to book that I wrote. How to be a wonderful dwarven prince whose father doesn't love him enough and who should really be king someday.
Starting point is 01:04:44 Would you like me to autograph it for you? You know, having the autograph of a king is quite a... Actually, no, no, no. Sign it up with your name. No, we don't want... So there are dozens and dozens of books. If you want to find one, you're going to have to give me something
Starting point is 01:04:57 to narrow down the search. I arrogantly sign my name because I just, I already committed to that. And as I was saying it, I realized that would be giving you guys handwriting samples, so I just, I kind of try to do a shitty job with it. Oh, you signed it bad, dude. Yeah, you signed it with the other hand, maybe. Can I roll to sign it bad? Yes, I signed it with my other hand.
Starting point is 01:05:11 Freddy and Beth, just threaten, just kill him. Just kill him. And then we prove it after the fact. Apologize after. Not only that, tell him that nobody's going to find out that you killed him because you're just going to edit. Oh, that's a good point. We have our Wait, do you realize, Beth? That's like saying that you killed him because you're just going to edit. Oh, that's a good point. You're going to edit somebody else killing him. We have our... Wait, do you realize, Beth?
Starting point is 01:05:27 That's like saying you could kill somebody because you own Final Draft and an iPhone. That's how you did it. No, I can kill someone because I'm a cop. Well done. Here, fine. I'm going to roll for something. Ideally, tell me what it is before you do it.
Starting point is 01:05:41 Yeah, I want to be like, oh, hey, guard, the boys on the other side, they're helping me out this way. They're doing a good job. They're pulling my tail. They're moving me backwards. I don't want my tail. They're pulling my legs. So I'm going to start scooting backwards so I can go to the library.
Starting point is 01:05:54 They said they got it. Okay, give me a roll. Well, at least I know what kind of book I'm looking for. Is it how to be in denial about murdering your wife and son? I got a natural one. All right. On natural one, they pull you out easily. Out of the front.
Starting point is 01:06:11 So basically now there is a clear entry into the rest of the kingdom for them. So you get one more thing you can do in the library. One thing you can look for before the guys are going to capture you and escort you out of the kingdom. Go ahead. We have two people.
Starting point is 01:06:22 We'll go in different directions. We'll split. Okay. You say yours first. I'll say mine. In fact, we'll say it at the same time for maximum difficulty of listening. I'm looking for a how-to book
Starting point is 01:06:31 on how to disguise yourself as a demon. How to fucking summon demons. Okay. So you find a book on how to disguise yourself that looks like it was made for babies. It's really old.
Starting point is 01:06:41 It's got a lot of dust on it. Freddie, you find a book called How to Summon Demons for the Novice. There's no dust on it. It looks like it was recently checked out. Wait a second, detective. I think you're on to something. I want to look at the little card.
Starting point is 01:06:54 You know what I'm saying? Oh, like they were like high school elementary? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or elementary school library. I opened the front cover. Shit. And I look at the card.
Starting point is 01:07:00 You see that he signed the card and that his real handwriting is on there and it matches the one on the note. Well, I want to keep this all concealed. And I want to palm off that. That feels like a roll, for sure. For sure, absolutely. I want to keep it concealed, and I'm going to play it cool. Well,
Starting point is 01:07:16 I got a natural one. That's a six. Alright, your six beats a natural one. So you managed to conceal it. Here's what I do, I go, and then I lick it up. The card, it sticks to my tongue. Okay. So it's hiding in your mouth. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:07:28 Well, I guess we can't find anything. You know, that's so interesting. Oh, look, it looks like this. The card is missing. The card is missing. It looks, wait a second, Detective. I'm just having this new thought. What if my brother's death wasn't an accident?
Starting point is 01:07:42 That's a good point. Maybe he was dabbling with demons or something. Maybe he checked out this book. Fucked up. Maybe he was wondering how to disguise himself for babies. What if he was trying to check out this book? You have everything you need. That would explain why the last name Underhill would be on the library card.
Starting point is 01:08:02 Oh, if only we had it. Having complete confidence that my two friends solved it. Am I outside now? You shot out on the other side, not where the library is. So you can go through. I just want to call the detective. Detective!
Starting point is 01:08:14 A reverberant... Not detective, but police officer. So the police officer from the first scene goes, yeah, yeah, what's up? Bring whoever... Six hours later, he goes... Whoever's important, stay right here. I think there'll be a
Starting point is 01:08:25 show for you soon okay soon just be patient i'll wait i'll wait in the throne room that feels like a dramatic place to wait oh can i come yeah sure great the dwarves try to stop you from going but the cop goes hey this is cop business we can trust him yeah i leave a note on the ground where i was because you guys weren't told we were going to go to the throne room. I say, hey, come to the throne room. We go back to where you were. Where did he go?
Starting point is 01:08:49 You see him done this since he went to the throne room. Listen, detective hightire of these games, I have a coronation to attend. We'll come with you. Yep. Come with me.
Starting point is 01:08:57 We just need to support you, bro. Well, as long as you have given up your foolish insinuations that I murdered my brother, that I would like to have you as my honored guest as my coronation. Oh, great. Let's do it. Sounds like an honor. Hard catch with coronation. I'm sitting on that throne.
Starting point is 01:09:15 Oh, my wife and kid would love this. This would be such a great show if only they weren't dead. Did she say you're sitting on the throne? I guess we're doing the coronation. No, the coronation's happening. You're in the back towering over the rest of the guests. I'm on all fours. I'm kind of like an arch.
Starting point is 01:09:32 Alright, so he's... Acting King Ciaran Underhill emerges looking glorious in his golden crown and his long flowing robes and his scepter and he makes the long walk up and he thinks to himself, yes, finally, my moment. My glorious moment. It's all coming robes and his scepter and he makes the long walk up and he thinks to himself uh yes finally my moment my glorious moment it's all coming together and no one can stop me the head steward raises his
Starting point is 01:09:52 ceremonial hammer he's about to bonk you on both shoulders to knight you as king tonight you're getting to grant you king and just as the hammer begins to come down we're gonna let that no no you won't wait for him to become king? It'd be so dope to fuck him No, I'm kidding I just go, stop No, I said stop I said stop Okay, and he goes, stop
Starting point is 01:10:10 The entire room shakes And they go, oh, what is the meeting? Interrupt It's the fucking scene from The Graduate Where it's the guy in the back Like He's 90 feet tall or whatever That's so much scarier
Starting point is 01:10:21 At the end of The Graduate If it's Dustin Hoffman And he's 90 feet tall I need to eat her! All right, what are you interrupting for? Well, as the police officer here knows, we have solved the murder. And we thought you would love to know who killed your brother before you became king. I would love to.
Starting point is 01:10:42 Please, I have nothing to hide. These detectives, these outsiders, these interlopers want to deny the ancient dwarven right of a king's ascension. What say you, my dwarven people? Shall we throw them out of this hall and cast these outsiders aside? And I make a kingly persuasion on all of my- I was gonna say, give me a roll.
Starting point is 01:11:03 16. So the 16, they're like, yeah, interlopers, that one's so big, he farted and my son died. I... I have apologized. I promise. Still hurts. Say your apologies and get thee hence. Well, before we go...
Starting point is 01:11:24 Mouth huddle really quick. Oh, my God. We detectives have that chance to talk to each other. Give us a second. I thought you solved it. I thought you solved it, too. Let's all get up to speed. Seems like you guys really got out over your skis on this one.
Starting point is 01:11:37 All right. Let's get just real quick. Let's get you all to speed. Hey, guys. I don't think I've solved it yet. Because here's the problem. Okay. Here's what we have.
Starting point is 01:11:44 We have evidence that he checked out a book the problem. Here's what we have. We have evidence that he checked out a book on demons. It's a free country. You can read about demons all you want. We know that his brother died. And there's a handwriting sample that matches. But how did he get the handwriting? This is why you stick to dog crimes. It cannot be more obvious.
Starting point is 01:12:04 We have video of him chanting. Here. We have video of him chanting. Here, compare the video of him chanting. Does it sound exactly like the video of the chanting that's in the other room? While you guys are doing this, I've summoned my guards to drag you out the front door while you're all in his mouth. I know. I'm
Starting point is 01:12:20 aware of what's happening outside of my mouth. Oh my god. Oh, my God. What did you say? It's not like when I talk to people in my mouth, I go into a fucking Zed state and become unaware of the outside world. I would know that was happening. That isn't fog giant.
Starting point is 01:12:46 It's, I think, my new favorite character. It's a really good back character. My men are busy hog tying you and dragging you out. We have the solution, sorry. Okay, let's just all go. Okay, that's fine. I just didn't see. You're going to get one shot at this,
Starting point is 01:12:59 and I'm having my dwarven crossbow snipers cut you all down. You have one shot to do the parlor scene, and you can all piggyback off of one another and interrupt, but lay out how the murder happens and why he did it and all that kind of stuff as a group. It all has to be one sentence. The scene of the crime. You have to do it word by word as we do it.
Starting point is 01:13:16 We project the memory stone of the murder. Here is our poor victim being murdered by a demon. Correct? Everyone see this? And they go, oh, that's horrible! But yes, it is a demon murdering a good old milk leg. Ah, fear not. Do not be concerned about demons, for things
Starting point is 01:13:32 do not, they do exist, but not here. Because. Demons do exist. They do, demons do exist, but this is not a case of demon. This is a case of of of That's the end of the episode. Not a case of... Crouch or sign.
Starting point is 01:13:46 That's the end of the episode. Not a case of demon. Crouch or sign. Okay. Everyone's like... Doggo, show the video of somebody else saying similar enchantments and demon speak. Look at this. And this stone that I've had that I've been recording this whole time allows me to play back.
Starting point is 01:14:04 I heard chanting from the room next to mine. And it cuts to like her room and it pans right. Kieran's room. Then we got footage of Kieran chanting. Right? Yep. And we're like, note that this has been edited. Found next to a little knife of memory.
Starting point is 01:14:18 Yes, he had one of the final cuts. Now, is there any reason why? I'm the king of the dwarves on the mountain. Ah, but at the time, you were not. Okay, I'm still a prince. You're saying a lot of evidence,
Starting point is 01:14:33 but can you put together the statement, the events as they happened? Yes. Walk me through the murder as it happened? Yes, yes. Young child dwarf,
Starting point is 01:14:41 four-year-old, you are a smart one, aren't you? Don't worry, young kid. It's me. I'm the guy from the John Mulaney special. We will be tying it all together into a neat little bow so even your little head can understand this.
Starting point is 01:14:53 Yes, I'm very dumb. I need it spelled out for me. So, the king dies, right? Maybe under suspicious circumstances. We weren't really checking out that day. You didn't hire us for that. So, We weren't really checking out that day. You didn't hire us for that. It should have.
Starting point is 01:15:07 So, Kieran allegedly goes into his little mausoleum. Before that, though, there's a scene that happens in the library. You see your current regent so jealous. Look at this book. This book is called How He Really Wants to Be King and How He Should Be King and now he doesn't like his station in life
Starting point is 01:15:28 and he's going to be king. Damn, I shouldn't have shown you that book. Shouldn't have written this book, you fool. He even know how to grasp it. Is it a crime to write a book? No, no, it's not a crime.
Starting point is 01:15:36 Thank you. No, you're right. Unless you're Tom Clancy. They hate Tom Clancy in this kingdom. Okay, and so that... And let me remind you that all three of you are in clear and present danger. Could you not be able to get the goods on me?
Starting point is 01:15:51 Not being able to watch you get coronated is the sum of all of our fears. Continue. And then, in the library, you see, he's checked out a book. Your king, your current king, well, not your king, has checked out a book. So what? A book, big deal. And the book is how to summon demons for dummies. Oh, wait, what? No,, big deal. And the book is How to Summon Demons for Dummies.
Starting point is 01:16:05 Oh, wait, what? No, that's crazy. And look at this. And I spit up the evidence. I go, I got a hairball. I got the evidence. Yeah, you gotta prove that he checked that book out.
Starting point is 01:16:15 How do we know for sure? Look at this. And there's the card with his name and his kingly signature. Oh, shit, that is his name and his signature.
Starting point is 01:16:21 But that's not my handwriting. This is my handwriting and I show the autographed book that I handed to Beth. And then I hold it up to a mirror. And it's the same handwriting as the right hand. That's exactly how that works. Wait, what? Well, when you write with your left hand, it's backwards.
Starting point is 01:16:37 But if you put it in a mirror, it's four. I forgot that that's a thing dwarves do. Complete gibberish. But okay, keep going. The audience is like, we don't really buy that part, but keep going. It's like a Christopher Nolan-esque clue where it's like, oh, you put a mirror up to it, so I guess it works. Just keep moving. Inside the room where the poor child was emulated and killed, we found a piece of paper with the word...
Starting point is 01:17:01 Dishon. Dishon? What does that stand for? I'm thinking maybe it means audition. But what it says is not as important as who said it with the writing. And the person who wrote it, look, the handwriting is the same. And as we all know, there's only one thing that can lure an aspiring actor to a shady location. And one more thing for you all to understand
Starting point is 01:17:26 is this man told us he was in the chamber for 12 hours and he was not he was we heard him no i smelt him and he smell was only there for five or ten minutes and there's a secret passage where a smell was there for also five or ten minutes because it doesn't take too long because there was a secret passage how did we hear him well Well, there's a video recording. You see, ah, the old lady. You testified that there was a... You heard the chanting. Grandma, no, don't sell me out. But, but...
Starting point is 01:17:50 And she looks at you and her face drops. She goes, my little boy, you didn't. I did hear him chanting for 12 hours beforehand in the comfort of his own room. That's called raw material for editing. Now, I'll be honest with you all, that is a lot of evidence, and frankly, young child, I look back at the
Starting point is 01:18:09 four-year-old, you're right. We're not the best at our jobs. But if you were to have all that evidence, what is your conclusion? Give me a dime. So simple even a child could piece it together. So what I'm going to say is, you got three pieces of pretty good evidence.
Starting point is 01:18:29 You got the signature. You got the audition thing. And you got the fake recording. So I'm going to roll three times. And he was in that he was, I guess, and those people believe I don't smell. But and that he was in the mausoleum. Okay, great. So I'm going to lower the difficulty based on how many of those clues you got and then modify that also based on how
Starting point is 01:18:48 good your explanation of the crime is. Well, that's not good. I rolled a natural one. He gets away. I'm joking. I'm joking. He's a kid. Yeah. So the kid goes, I guess I'd, I guess I'd throw him in jail, but since he's the King, I guess that means we got to hang him. Ah, but sir, I have a, wait, what? He's not king yet, though. Oh, yeah, it didn't happen yet. You interrupted. Oh, good.
Starting point is 01:19:13 So he just goes to jail. Great. No, I don't. And then I grab my grandmother and I pull out the king ceremonial dagger and I say, I've got one more D-I-T-I-O-N word for you. Extradition. And then both of us. Alright, we're going to say what we do at the same time. Ready? Three, two, one. I pull out my Beretta
Starting point is 01:19:31 and I unload. And then I waterboard them both. While I unload all 15 rounds of my Beretta 92FS. Great. So the last feelings he feels go through his body are a lot of water up his nose and then 15 bullets through his skull. So the last feelings he feels go through his body are a lot of water
Starting point is 01:19:46 up his nose and then 15 bullets through his skull. But the grandma's fine. Grandma's fine. Except for being waterboarded because she loves it. Because she loves it.
Starting point is 01:19:52 I understand this because this is happening in my mouth. So wait, what's happening is you've pulled the king in. I pour a bunch of water so that you can like
Starting point is 01:20:00 waterboard them all at once. From a distance. You can long distance waterboard them. The long con waterboard. Yes, you start spitting at them. And as he gets blown back by the fire hose. Like Kramer in UHF.
Starting point is 01:20:12 Yes, like Kramer in UHF. Oh, no, here's what it does. It's the water knocks the grandma out of the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you've got a clear sheet. Keep spitting. I don't need to fire a gun because here's the thing, right? You already said you're firing your beranda.
Starting point is 01:20:25 No, no, no, no. I hold my fire because you know what happens. I'll tell you exactly what happens, though, Will. What's happening? No, no, no, it's okay. It's off the gripe. Why are you pulling out a beranda?
Starting point is 01:20:33 No, check this out. Check this out. No, no, no, check this out. Everybody agree to put him in prison. No, check this out, though, because you spit so much, it forms a... Right?
Starting point is 01:20:40 Water in underground caverns fucking flows through it. It pulls him into the bottomless pit where he falls. It's a book of water. Okay, that's fun. That's decently fun. I mean, I had a whole thing where I'd be like, oh, the opening was an axe and a brain,
Starting point is 01:20:55 and then, like, there's bullets in my brain, like, stones in my brain. What an ironic way to die. But no, I guess it falls into a bottomless pit. So you, Lister, get to choose which of those endings you think is more dramatically appropriate. Call 1-900-WHO-DAT-IT today to get your ending. Does anybody want to say something pithy with which we could cut to credits?
Starting point is 01:21:13 I think we need to have a little scene of us in the tavern just outside going over our little... Yeah, you're back at your home tavern outside of your detective agency. You also got fired as cops because you waterboarded somebody. So now you're just a private detective. You're just private detectives now. You're not cops anymore. I feel like your office is his mouth and then your...
Starting point is 01:21:30 Your office is his mouth? He just has like fucking fax machines and desks in there. It's a traveling office. And then you go for drinks in his butt afterwards. The one thing we agreed on when we started this case was
Starting point is 01:21:42 you are not going to bring your Beretta. Why does every case, whether we solve it or not, end with you shooting the suspect? The cops also took your Beretta. That was a cop gun. Oh, you know, I just got one. I got to use it. They give you 15 bullets. And it felt like we were at the end and I didn't shoot any of my 15 bullets.
Starting point is 01:22:01 My name is Dan Granger. Dan Ranger. No, Dan Granger. I looked up a cop name generator and it was like Dan Granger. Dan Ranger. No, Dan Granger. I looked up a cop name generator and it was like Dan Granger. I'm like, that sounds like a cop name. And I'm Detective Doggo. Dan. Yeah, what's up? Maybe the next case we solve is
Starting point is 01:22:13 who murdered your wife and kids because we don't know who did it. We have no idea. Believe me, we all agree that nobody... Don't worry. I woke up and they were dead. Somebody kicked up in the door to your mouth, which I assume like two of your teeth are like the little like western doors. No, they push through it like fucking Aragorn.
Starting point is 01:22:30 Yeah, they push through, yeah, they open your teeth and they go, guys, guys, I've got another case for you. What? Cut to credits. We'll take it. Hey, it's May. Nami needs you to solve mental illness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:22:50 Someone busts in and they're Nami. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cop busts in and he goes, I'm just having a really rough day. Oh, well, wouldn't you like to know that if you're having a rough day or a rough month or a rough life, there is help available.
Starting point is 01:23:03 And it's not from us. Not from us. Go to professionals. Yes. I don't know any. Uh, don't worry. You can call 988 anytime you are in crisis or go to NAMI. That's the National Alliance. Kieran Underhill steps out from
Starting point is 01:23:17 back behind the UV line. He's like, Hi, it's me, Kieran Underhill. We had a lot of fun today on this murder investigation, but you know what's not a joke is mental health, and you should be aware of it. Don't do anything about it. Just be aware of it. Just be aware.
Starting point is 01:23:31 You should be aware, and help is out there for you. And I'm here with TV's Beth May, and she's going to tell you more information after this. Yeah, NAMI has resources available in your local area, probably in the U.S. Check with your local NAMI affiliate. I'll leave you with this, which is kind of like a serious thing.
Starting point is 01:23:49 I just want everybody to know that things can be like really objectively hopeless and then still get better. You can come back from this. NAMI is N-A-M-I dot org. Check out their website, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. NAMI can help you on your condition.
Starting point is 01:24:03 Yeah. You did condition three times. Fuck my life. Gumshoes and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Smog the Fog Giant. Anthony Birch
Starting point is 01:24:10 as our DM. Will Campos as Kieran Underhill. Beth May as Dan Granger. And myself, Freddie Wong as Detective Doggo.
Starting point is 01:24:16 Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor.
Starting point is 01:24:22 Travis Reeds provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. You can support this podcast directly at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. And you can support NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness,
Starting point is 01:24:31 directly at nami.org. This extra bonus episode blesses your timeline in support of NAMI and Mental Health Awareness Month. So head on over to nami.org. Take a look at all the great stuff that they do. And if you're feeling inclined, do a little donation.
Starting point is 01:24:43 There's a button on their website to donate and because it's mental health awareness month it's also mental health awareness double xp weekend as a concept not as a weekend it's the whole month but uh there's a lot of organizations that are partnering with nami that will match your donations in kind so you know now is the time to get more bang for your buck to help out a charity that we're all big fans of here on the podcast. Our Twitter is at Dungeons and Dads. Our website is DungeonsandDaddies.com. Our merch is at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Subreddit, Dungeons and Daddies.
Starting point is 01:25:10 We return to our regularly scheduled programming next week, May 23rd. We will see you then. © transcript Emily Beynon

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