Dungeons and Daddies - BONUS: Sons and Sonsability - Ep. 1 - The Mothman Progenies

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

In this end of year bonus episode, we bring you the first episode of our Patreon exclusive stretch goal miniseries Sons and Sonsability! It's the start of a new social season in regency-era London, an...d the Mothman sisters find themselves at a distinct disadvantage when faced with the daughters of a rival family.You can get the rest of the three-part series on our store or by becoming a Patreon supporter at any level!Featuring special guest Amanda Schuckman as Co-DM and the rival family.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch and Amanda Schuckman (@anthony_burch and @eruditechick)Cynthia Nixon is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Eunice Mothman is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Elizabeth Mothman is Beth May (@heybethmay)Fannie Mothman is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Brian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Basically, all the good stuff. That was a My Dad Wrote a Porno reference. Anyways, content warnings can be found in the episode description. What you're about to hear is part one of a three-part miniseries we did for a Patreon stretch goal earlier this year called Sons and Sons Ability, which is a Regency-era miniseries played on a semi-homebrew system that Anthony and our guest DM Amanda Shookman came up with. It's an absolute riot.
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Starting point is 00:00:41 we did a prequel campaign in the call of Cthulhu system called at the mountains of dadness. We did a star Wars campaign in the Call of Cthulhu system called At the Mountains of Dadness. We did a Star Wars-themed mini campaign called All That Jizz, Jizz being a canonical genre of music in Star Wars. And let us not forget an entire Henry Oak edutainment rap album, an after show for every episode that gives you a behind-the-scenes look at the process of making our show. Tons of videos, one-shots, you name it. It's a multimedia extravaganza. So if you're looking to be entertained, that's the way to go. Sign up today at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads and join our vibrant Discord community.
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Starting point is 00:01:35 The Mothman Progenies. Welcome to Sons and Sons Abability, being a role-playing adventure about four bachelorettes trying to find love or at the very least marriage in Regency England. I'm Anthony. My co-DM for this adventure is Amanda Schockman, writer, game designer, and expert on the Regency. Hello, Amanda. Thank you for coming. Hello. Hi, Amanda.
Starting point is 00:02:04 Yay. Just happy to be here, guys. So basically what we are going to be doing is a kind of bespoke-ish tabletop system. Oh, yes. You know I love the word bespoke. Or what's the word? Proprietary tabletop system that is a little bit from the Good Society RPG system. If you've heard of that, where players work together to make a Jane Austen kind of story. And also a board game called Marrying Mr. Darcy and a little bit of D&D. So if it's bad, blame me. Don't blame those systems. Those systems are great. To sort of set the stage, Amanda, could you very briefly explain to our listeners who might not know
Starting point is 00:02:35 what the Regency era is and what it's known for in pop culture? Oh, it would be my absolute delight. Regency England was a period of roughly 10 to 20-ish years, because no one like really knows, that happened in the early 1800s. Everybody immediately thinks we went from like big, poofy Marie Antoinette gowns straight to cool bustle gowns in the Victorian era. That's not true. Partly because Queen Victoria ruled for fucking ever and had like 12 different Silhouettes during her time, but also because right before Queen Victoria hit up the palace, we had a reign of unstable or useless men in the position of king.
Starting point is 00:03:13 Just like now. I mean, it was a different time. Mad King George III, upon going mad, had his son, his very young son, named regent, and we entered the Regency era. Wow. It's so wild to me that like Regent was
Starting point is 00:03:32 like a kid's name. It'd be like if we had an era named like Steph. Steph era. His kid's name was also George. He was made Regent, which is the name for someone who's like, you're in charge while this dude's too nuts to be in charge. They're not officially in charge yet. I'm glad you're here to correct Beth,
Starting point is 00:03:49 because normally when Beth is wrong, I can't say shit. Listen, I really wish that I hadn't known better, because that would fucking rock if that kid's name had been Regent. Yeah. Also, Freddie, could you go, like, fuck yourself? That went on for about ten years, and then King George died. Baby King George became regular King George, and he also lasted about 10 years, and then also died. At which point we moved on to a guy that nobody remembers, and then we hit up Queen Victoria.
Starting point is 00:04:17 So the Regency period is this weird little blip where everybody all of a sudden, for some reason, was wearing, like, little teeny tiny booby bandsoby bands and like really long skinny dresses and nothing else. Hubba hubba. I mean, apparently because it was this period of just wild sexual revelry, mostly among dudes and a real tightening up of like what women were allowed to know about sex, which was fucking nothing until they got married. And it was like, do I have a fun surprise for you? King nothing until they got married. And it was like, do I have a fun surprise for you?
Starting point is 00:04:48 So all of the shit that we love and care about the Regency basically comes from Jane Austen because she was writing books, making fun of it at the time it was actually happening. And a lot of people missed that part and really just got into the romance of it, but they are in fairness, both funny and romantic. And now we have Bridgerton. And I think that pretty much is everything you could possibly need to know
Starting point is 00:05:04 about the Regency. I know you could possibly need to know about the Regency period. I know. That's officially everything I know about the Regency period. Wow. You are already a scholar. There we go. But I feel so involved.
Starting point is 00:05:12 I didn't know anything. So here's things that I learned, by the way, just in the quick Wikipedia-ing of it. America, pretty recent in this time period. Brand new, brand new. Also, most of the things I was thinking about, I'm like, Oh yeah. Opium Wars, Jack the Ripper. No, all like 60,
Starting point is 00:05:27 70 years later. So it's like before a lot of this stuff, I think that we think of when we think of like Victorian era, chimney sweeps and all that. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,
Starting point is 00:05:36 they were still like shoving little kids up chimneys. Yeah. During the region for fun. For fun. Yeah. But they weren't singing and dancing. It was really just like crawl up there and clean it out. And if you die,
Starting point is 00:05:44 we'll have to hire another one to fish you out later. So I will explain the way that this game is played as we go. But first, I would like to introduce everybody's characters. So to sort of set the scene, this entire adventure is going to take place over the course of the season where everybody sort of goes to. What do they go to London, Amanda? Correct me if I say stupid things here, but there's a coming out party with the queen. Like you see the beginning of Bridgerton. Everybody shows off all their new debutantes. Was that a
Starting point is 00:06:07 real thing? It is the opening of the marriage mart, my friend. It is an entirely real thing. Holy shit. Where it was like, okay, here's this, here's crop of ladies. But like only of a certain class. Yeah. Only of a certain class. Only the peerage. Like if your name was in a book somewhere where it's like, they've owned this much land for this long. You got to send your daughters to this party to be like, she's fuckable now. Congrats. This would be like if all of our literature was just about like Bill Gates' kids. Like this is the top 1% of 1%.
Starting point is 00:06:31 It's just the rich people. But in Jane Austen books, they're always like recently poor. Yeah, but they're like poor. They're like, oh, just manners. Yeah, in Sense and Sensibility, when they talk about the tiny cabin, it's a huge mansion. So we're going to start at this coming out party.
Starting point is 00:06:50 So the queen is sitting on her throne. She's got a cute small inbred dog. And the first family to show up is you players. We need to come up with our family name. Oh, shit. What's our family name? Okay. I like Arctic monkeys.
Starting point is 00:07:04 I like- The Mothmen. The Mothmen. The Mothmen? The Mothmen. The Mothmen. Okay, I like Arctic monkeys. I like... The Mothmen. The Mothmen. The Mothmen? The Mothmans. The Mothmans. Sorry. That was very good.
Starting point is 00:07:12 I like that. That's fun. So the footman announces the Mothmans. Of the Prophecy Mothmans? The Prophecy Mothmans. The Prophecy Mothmans. Yes, the queen's like, oh, the Prophecy Mothmans. The prophecy says that they're not going to get married, that they're all a bunch of weirdos.
Starting point is 00:07:24 No, never. So yeah, what, the prophecy mothman. The prophecy says that they're not going to get married, that they're all a bunch of weirdos. No, never. So, yeah, what do we see when you four walk in? The eldest sister, I believe. I mean, I'm the eldest, but I'm probably the least desirable. So who's the peak of our crop? Who is the best? Who's the best guard? I'm the defender.
Starting point is 00:07:39 Freddie literally told me that his character would have huge titties. Beth, I want this antagonist in this whole episode. Go after Freddie. I think Beth has to go first. I push Beth. What's your character? I, as the eldest, who is a recently widowed, but you do not know my name yet, I push Beth, the cream of our-
Starting point is 00:07:57 Crop. Crop. The finest of our daughters. The one that will most likely save our ruin of our family. Voted most likely to get married. Married. I push her forward. Okay.
Starting point is 00:08:06 My character's name is Elizabeth. Elizabeth Mothman. Elizabeth Mothman. She is a handsome maiden. Does that mean like. Only now. Back then it was actually a compliment. Yeah, it's handsome.
Starting point is 00:08:18 Yeah, they say that in Prime Regions all the time. Handsome. They also were obsessed with naturalism, I guess. They were the first of like, don't wear too much makeup. Okay. Yeah. crime prejudice all the time handsome they also were obsessed with naturalism i guess like they were the first of like don't wear too much makeup okay yeah she doesn't wear too much makeup i found some weird comic that was like an old new yorker comic at the time that was like making fun of women who do put on makeup so there you go sexism was you know oh it's not a new thing by the way it's almost like it's not a new thing. It's almost like it's kind of like throughout our history and kind of fundamental and kind of pervasive.
Starting point is 00:08:48 I haven't noticed that. Oh, God. Okay. Yeah, that's so wild. I whisper. I say, stop talking about those ideas. Present yourself. Hurry.
Starting point is 00:08:55 She doesn't have too many ideas, which makes it really hard. No, but actually that is part of her. Do I say her thing? Yes. So the way that we've set up these characters, basically you don't have any stats. The only thing that's going to matter for your characters is everyone has a D20 that they can roll to try to do things.
Starting point is 00:09:09 And they also have- Tags? Tags, yeah, traits or tags or titles, adjectives that can describe them that everybody else is aware of. Everybody knows those things about them. So if you have a trait that is relevant to something you're trying to do,
Starting point is 00:09:21 and you roll a D20, you get to roll with advantage. Conversely, if you have a negative trait and somebody is trying to make a contested roll against you then you roll with disadvantage feel free to tell us what your traits are okay my traits are good dancer stubborn and stupid fantastic so like basically the character that Channing Tatum plays you're about to say basically basically the character Channing Tatum plays. I thought you were about to say basically Ben. I was going to say basically the character Channing Tatum plays in Magic Mike. In Magic Mike XXL? Yeah, exactly. That's who I based the character off of.
Starting point is 00:09:51 Oh, got it. That's great. Also, every player character, and actually every evil NPC, which Amanda will play for evil NPCs you meet soon, but every character also has two hidden bits of information. One of them is their goal. If the player can achieve their goal then they will get to heal a bunch of basically health in this game and they also have a terrible secret and if that terrible secret is ever made known then all of their health losses for the rest of the game
Starting point is 00:10:15 will be doubled everybody's health is represented by mp marriage potential and you all start at 50 you can get more or less depending on how things go for you. If things happen that embarrass you or hurt your marriage ability, your MP goes down. And if your MP hits zero, no one wants to marry you. Do the men have HP husband potential? Oh, that's fun. No, because they're always going to be wanted. That's how this works.
Starting point is 00:10:37 They have money. It doesn't matter how. Yeah, it's really. He hates his MP. When is it not? Trying to get somebody to love you is going to be tracked separately and secretly. That's not related to MP.
Starting point is 00:10:45 Like the amount that they like you is a whole different thing. It's just about whether or not it is socially viable to be seen with you. If you hit zero, it's like it doesn't matter how much they love you. If you hit zero, it would be social suicide to be seen with you. Interesting. Okay. That is Elizabeth Mothman. What did she do?
Starting point is 00:11:00 She was walking. Are you going to introduce yourself to the queen? The queen should ask. Don't say anything. Hello, queen. Oh, my God. Really? Straight to introduce yourself to the queen? The queen should ask. Don't say anything. Hello, queen. Oh, my God. Really? Straight to zero.
Starting point is 00:11:08 That is brutal. Absolute disaster. Okay. Yes. Desire. Oh, she hasn't finished. She hasn't finished. Elizabeth Mothman.
Starting point is 00:11:19 At your service. So the queen buries her head in her hands, and a footman comes up to you and goes, typically one does not speak during the presentation to the queen. My apologies! I see that she is burying her head. I might have a handkerchief around here. Let me look for a handkerchief in my
Starting point is 00:11:38 handkerchief. She doesn't need a handkerchief from you. That's perfectly fine. Okay. I would just curtsy and then move back with your family. Elizabeth curtsies very well because she's a natural dancer. And then she's like, I'm going back to my family now.
Starting point is 00:11:53 Honey, you're still talking. The talking is the problem. Less of that. Okay, so go ahead and roll a d20. I got a 14. Okay, so you lost 14 health. God damn it. You lost 14 MP. And another 10 for blasphemy just now. I got a 14. Okay, so you lost 14 health. God damn it. You lost 14 MP. And another 10 for blasphemy just now.
Starting point is 00:12:08 I didn't say that. Beth said that. Wow, you are Beth. What an in-character moment. You now have lost 14 of your 50 MP, but don't worry, there will be opportunities to heal and stuff as time goes on.
Starting point is 00:12:18 So who else amongst the Mothmans would like to introduce themselves? I'll come out. I'll say, well, howdy. My name is... What are you doing? No one talks. You're not meant to talk.
Starting point is 00:12:31 Howdy. My name is Cynthia Nixon. Cynthia Nixon. I apologize. I think I've been out in the colonies for the past 15 years. I think my manners may have rubbed off on my youngest daughter. I hope that won't affect her marriage potential. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:12:52 What's incredible is like the Southern accent didn't just show up like after like Thomas Jefferson. Yeah. They weren't in Virginia like, well, I'll be. I'll be. The British are coming. We do hold these truths. Cynthia Nixon might pull this off with the queen just with her rakish American brazenness. I put my boots up on the.
Starting point is 00:13:17 I spit my six fingers. My tags are, I look incredible. I don't play incredible, but I look incredible while I play the harp. And then my, oh, you fucked yourself. That's a very specific benefit to have. Supposedly harp was the most important instrument, but most people couldn't afford it. And then my poor reputation, my poor tags is I have legs of those who have learned to fence. So I got kind of bullied because I learned to fence.
Starting point is 00:13:42 And then also I ride a horse, but I ride it like a man. Oh, that's right. Rides a horse like a man. That's great. I've lived in New Orleans. That was where my accent was. Horse central. And I'm a widower.
Starting point is 00:13:56 I'm a widow. Your husband, Ernest Nixon, died mysteriously. Okay. So that probably means that when you're walking up, there's a lot of people
Starting point is 00:14:03 poking each other and whispering. I'm like, you hear the word widow. You hear the word damaged goods. Gun-slinging American. Yeah, sorry. When you step through, there's two saloon doors that you push open that nobody saw. The Farbs Accord player stopped. Somebody
Starting point is 00:14:20 sliding a champagne flute across the counter and they're like... Okay, so yeah, you go ahead and take a D20 for talking and putting your feet up. A gun goes off. That's an 11. Okay, so you lose 11 MP. I mean, that's fair. A gun goes off.
Starting point is 00:14:31 I don't think everyone wants to marry Cynthia. What are you? Are you our older sister? I'm the eldest sister. The eldest sister. You said you're 19, Beth? Yeah, I'm 19. You're the oldest by a lot, right?
Starting point is 00:14:40 Yeah, I think I'm like 32. Oh, God. They had like one kid, I think maybe a remarriage or something. I think I'm way older. All right. Excuse me. Let me put on my cigarillo. All right.
Starting point is 00:14:51 Who else would like to introduce themselves? So Fanny Pack Mothman. Fanny means something different there. No, Fanny was a common name. Fanny's a common name, dude. Okay. Well, now it means something different there. It means something different after my time.
Starting point is 00:15:07 Let's just say there's a reason. Let's just say there's a reason Fanny developed this slang. You mean Fanny Mothman? Yeah, Fanny Mothman steps forward and curtsies most delicately. Oh. And says, unfortunately, but speaks and says, Your Majesty, please excuse the rude manners of our eldest sister her time away in the colonies has addled her mind somewhat and i hope you can forgive our transgressions in this
Starting point is 00:15:32 regard okay so here's what we're gonna do first we're gonna roll a d20 to see if that works in terms of taking some of the heat off of cynthia nixon yeah i could see fucking good too though by the way and as beth said, I got big ol' fucking... Is that one of your positive tags is big titties? Well, see, there's a question, right? It really depends, because that's over... As time has gone on... That's a question for you, Amanda.
Starting point is 00:15:51 Yeah, what are the standards of the era? Honestly, the Regency was a fun blip in the history of the English's general attitudes towards breasts, because all of a sudden, it was actually fashionable to be like, look, there's two, and have them exist independently of each other and visible to the world, which is part of why the style of dress was so scandalous. So no, having big old knockers ain't going to be a point against you as long as they are appropriately reined in among the right company. I have a feeling they're not.
Starting point is 00:16:22 They're real dope on h-hon-co-ros. I think the word that you're looking for is barely. Barely counts. If there's no areola, they're good. Oh, wrong. You can't just be wearing pasties.
Starting point is 00:16:39 You cannot be talking to the queen with pasties. No, pasties cannot be. Fanny Mothman is renowned for her adeptness at the pianoforte. Okay. Excellent. Which is fucking mad. I wish you had checked with me before you'd been good at harp, bro.
Starting point is 00:16:53 No, it's that she looks good. I look good while playing. He can't play harp. He can't look good holding it. But nobody really knows how harp is supposed to sound. So that's how that matters. Yeah, because when you think about harp, what do you think?
Starting point is 00:17:06 What's your favorite harp song? It's the flashback sound. Yeah. Secretly anyone can do that. That's actually the secret of the harp, dude. Okay, so your pianoforte thing is your good tag. What are your bad tags? I think that Fanny is a hard drinking opium addict.
Starting point is 00:17:25 Okay. Great. Is that two separate ones? Likes to drink, likes opium? I mean, I think that those two. Substance abuser. Yeah. Going back to your trying to excuse Cynthia Nixon's behavior.
Starting point is 00:17:36 Go ahead and just give me a straight D20 roll and you're trying to beat an 11. Natural one. Okay. That doesn't work. I was so bad. I didn't even get a chance to roll if i was helping out or not well no because you just said stuff you weren't like trying to help anybody you were just like hey it's me everybody you guys start laughing i said excuse me maybe my manners from the colonies rubbed off on my sister is what i said oh. You're trying to take the heat. This does not bode well for the Mothman.
Starting point is 00:18:05 Go ahead. Go ahead. I was like, six people diving in front of a bullet in front of each other. Yeah, yeah. The same bullet
Starting point is 00:18:10 and somehow it goes through all of them. Because, you know, I was like, maybe they'll accept you roll your d20. That's a three. Okay.
Starting point is 00:18:15 So you still take your damage just as normal. Sorry about that. Freddie, since you rolled a one, you're going to roll with disadvantage for your own MP loss. Or wouldn't it be advantage?
Starting point is 00:18:24 Yes, the higher number. You're right. So I straight up got 20. So I think like a little, like I trip and like I kind of, there might be some stuff that flashes a little bit. Oh yeah, your breasts just come out. They just see the areolas. It's very, it's very bad.
Starting point is 00:18:37 So you lose 20 MP from the get go. What's your character's first name again? Fanny. Fanny. Sidley Nixon pulls out some smelling salts and starts putting them underneath all the men's noses that have passed out. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:47 Yeah, the footman immediately passes out and comes back to him. So after her three sisters all shit the bed, and then when Fanny falls over, you see behind Fanny this sort of like wan, pale-looking woman sort of like slowly walks up and she gives a little feeble curtsy.
Starting point is 00:19:07 And this is Eunice. Eunice. Eunice does not say anything, but she gives a weak, demure smile. And Eunice is pious, sickly, and uninteresting. Oh my God, she's perfect. She's a perfect woman. You're saying grace.
Starting point is 00:19:21 All the men are like, who's that? Who is that? She looks consumptive. Did you see her cough into her handkerchief on the way in? Oh yes, as I curtsy, you see me wobble a little bit, and then I do give the tiniest cough. I'm like,
Starting point is 00:19:35 and then I sort of stand back up. Awoo, girl. Yeah, the Tex Avery wolf in the corner. Man, I forgot her the moment I left the room. It's incredible. It's like she's not even there, my ideal wife. So the footman says, ah, thank you. Thank one of you so much for not talking.
Starting point is 00:19:52 The queen has gotten a good look at you. If you would now move to the side and we can see the next family to come in. Announcing the family Rogan. And four women come in that are all going to be voiced by Amanda and are going to be your primary antagonists for this adventure. You know the Rogans.
Starting point is 00:20:09 You've had a longstanding feud with them. The Father Joseph screwed your father out of a lot of money and a bad investment for horse pills. Our father, the CEO of Spotify. Yeah, yeah, your father's Spotify Mothman. Oh, that's great, because I was actually thinking that the reason I'm in America is because my father gambled, bet me. So I was like, maybe that's too much, but you just said it.
Starting point is 00:20:30 It was perfect. Yeah, great, perfect. Yeah, Spotify was like, I put it on my daughter. Just so you know, you as your family, you have 500 pounds total amongst all of you. That's all you have left in the world. So that's like $12 million. Yeah, you're basically billionaires. But even for the time, it's Jane Austen, quote, unquote, poor.
Starting point is 00:20:44 A pittance. A pittance. A pittance. Amanda, in any order you like, would you introduce us to the four Rogan gals? I'd be happy to, Anthony. First up is Lady Desdemona Rogan, a statuesque young woman with a bustline to rival fannies. Wow. But considerably more tastefully attired. Shit.
Starting point is 00:21:00 Wow. But considerably more tastefully attired. Shit. Who strides with perhaps a bit too much sauce and swagger down the red carpet to curtsy deeply in front of the queen, followed by the first of her triplet sisters. Peggy, Skylar, and... Lady Philomena Rogan. There's another sickly girl?
Starting point is 00:21:23 Another? What the fuck? How consumptive does she look? A poorly slip of a girl with skin so pale and dry it has an almost vaguely greenish hue who delicately wibble wobbles her own way down the red carpet. Her large watery eyes cast demurely downward as she joins her sister in.
Starting point is 00:21:47 A gentleman elbows at the gentleman standing next to her and is like, forsooth, you can see almost through her skin. Might she be some manner of spirits? Nearly translucent. Followed by. I would bust that ghost. Sorry, continue. Followed by Lady Eliscart,
Starting point is 00:22:04 who is a distant cousin who has joined the family for this season. These are the mirror images of us. The third one's coming. Don't fucking rush me. Who glides with an almost preternatural grace down the aisle to join her cousins and bows to the queen. And then finally, Lady Jane Rogan, who is simply the picture of perfection, a bright-eyed, blonde, normal 19-year-old girl who also sashays her way down to join her sisters
Starting point is 00:22:34 and curtsies before the queen. I know it seems like we made characters just to fuck your characters, but we came up with these separately. We literally came up with these characters completely separately. The foreign accent, the fucking... This is bizarre.
Starting point is 00:22:46 I have listed here foreign, sickly, saucy, and perfect, which is all the same ones we have. This is a very Smash Brothers, Fox, Meat vs. Fox kind of situation. I love it. Holy shit. You just all voice better, too. It's very personal. Perfect is actually good.
Starting point is 00:23:05 Amanda is also a professional voice actor. It feels like we're all the real underdogs on this one. Her perfect is actually like good. Amanda is also a professional voice actor. It feels like we're the real underdogs on this one. Oh yeah, for sure. I'd like to quickly gather the Mothman family
Starting point is 00:23:11 together. Sisterly huddle, please gather round. I say we fucking kill the other ones. Let's just ice these bitches. My sisters,
Starting point is 00:23:21 we stand no chance this season. Look upon these radiant beings. Our only hope is that they are trampled underfoot by horses. Dear sister, I encourage you to remember from your good book the lesson of turning the other cheek. I'm sure if we greet these Rogans with kindness and compassion
Starting point is 00:23:38 they shall be as sisters are to us and we shall all find marriageable men this season. Sisters are to us, and we shall all find marriageable men this season. I don't really care about what the other family of sisters is doing. I think that we have a good shot at it. If we just be ourselves and curtsy wisely. Curtsy wisely. And then also also we thought maybe spreading some gossip
Starting point is 00:24:07 about these others. I can't kill them. I mean, we can't kill them. We can't kill them. So what happened to your southern accent? Not even trying with an accent.
Starting point is 00:24:16 Like, I'll be honest. You're leaving Shackson since you've been coming back, sister. You lost your You're halfway there. You're halfway there. Howdy.
Starting point is 00:24:24 Already better. Sister, I know it's confusing to be between two worlds. You're halfway there. Howdy. Already better. Sister, I know it's confusing to be between two worlds. Oh, it is. I also feel that way between the world of you, my sisters, and the world of the men. Elizabeth, are you suggesting that we ruin their good name with scandalous words and lies? Oh, yes. Yes, I am suggesting that. I have three
Starting point is 00:24:47 great gossips ready for the drop. But I need a fourth. I do express a concern that one of the Ten Commandments is not to bear false witness against thy neighbor. However, there is another commandment to honor thy mother
Starting point is 00:25:04 and father, and it seems that we should get married as evasively as possible to do such a thing. Exactly. Who's in the house? JC. And that stands for just compromise. Okay. So after the queen gets a good look at everybody.
Starting point is 00:25:25 Gets a real eyeful. Gets a real eyeful of everybody. You head down to drinks and libations and food and a cool party. Where are we? Are we at the palace? Like, where are we, bro? I guess so, yeah. Yes.
Starting point is 00:25:35 We're at the palace. Yeah. You basically go down for the mixer. And at this mixer. That was the official Dermabag. Yeah, yeah. The cocktail hour. The networking party.
Starting point is 00:25:44 Yeah, yeah. Every debutante has their fucking name tag on their arm because that's when you see when you shake hands. Come sisters, we must network. So downstairs in the area with all the food, you see several people you've heard a lot about. There have been four new eligible bachelors. You see boys.
Starting point is 00:25:59 Males. Men. Men. You see four particularly eligible and particularly marriageable men because they have money, the kind of money that could set you up for life. So you see a duke. What is a duke?
Starting point is 00:26:13 Yeah. He's a landed gentry who has been granted that title specifically by the reigning monarch. It's not just like a thing that you pick up. Once it's given to you, you inherit it down the line until you piss off the wrong person, then they take it away. But basically he's just better than everybody else there.
Starting point is 00:26:32 You would refer to a duke as his grace or your lordship. I'm taking more notes. And also don't fucking talk to him until he talks to you, because that's a no-no. Unless, you know, you're literally anybody from the Mothman family, in which case go fucking nuts.
Starting point is 00:26:44 And you know that this particular Duke is Duke. Well, I guess he would be the Duke of like whatever the fuck he has, like Duke of Hastings or whatever. But his friends call him Colin Wilson. He has Colin Firth, not in Pride and Prejudice, but like in like Love Actually kind of like attractiveness. Colin Firth in the Batman? That's Colin Farrell. It's a different guy. Whoa, take it easy, sweetheart.
Starting point is 00:27:04 And then there is a soldier who has been out fighting the French and is still in his outfit. It's a Napoleonic Wars era, right? Sure is. Yeah. Which is why it's extra hilarious that everybody's dressing like Empress Josephine. Why, England? Ah, bundle of contradictions. And his name is Daryl Hannah.
Starting point is 00:27:21 Daryl Hannah looks like he's been fucked up kind of by war. He's Asian. They're cool with that in this world. It's Brid Hannah looks like he's been fucked up kind of by war. He's Asian. They're cool with that in this world. It's Bridgerton. It's Bridgerton. Yeah, it's Bridgerton racial and gender rules. You see that he's looking around this ball, this to-do with a little bit of like a
Starting point is 00:27:34 kind of a vibe to him. There is an investor, a very wealthy investor who you know has made his money in pantaloons named Theodore Stampler. He's a return-ampler. No way! No way! Theodore Stampler is a larger man with big old suspenders,
Starting point is 00:27:51 a big old mustache, and a haughty attitude. And then there is a priest. I hate to cut your legs out from under you, but he can't be a literal priest because one, nobody here is Catholic. And if anybody was, they get the fuck kicked out of this shit.
Starting point is 00:28:02 And two, priests still can't get married to people. Well, who's, what's Mr. Collins? He's a clergyman. He's a clergyman? Yeah. Okay, so you see a clergyman whose name is, I guess his first name is just Father
Starting point is 00:28:12 because that's what I wrote down. Love that. Fuck that. What are the odds he became a clergyman? Yeah. Father in the streets, Daddy in the streets. His name is Father Unworthy.
Starting point is 00:28:21 No way. They're looking around the floor, looking for people to talk to. The Duke thing that Amanda said is accurate, but if you want to go up and talk to him, I'm not going to penalize you for that because you should be able to decide what you want to do. He's holding office hours. Sure, yeah. Sisters, there seem to be four eligible men that could save our family from ruin,
Starting point is 00:28:43 and four of us, I say we should divide our forces, you know, loaves and fishes and all that. And each of us should pick a man to pursue so that we do not have to choose between family and future family. That's very, very good. I think what we should do is we all on the count of three say the name of the most eligible bachelor we are all going to be going for. And we are bound to that choice no matter what. False wits. One, two, three.
Starting point is 00:29:05 Call it what you want. Pick anybody who'll have me. Sisters, you may have noticed that I didn't say anybody. And that is similar to... Sister, what is your name again? This again? You know that I am a little... My name is...
Starting point is 00:29:29 Allow me to check my character sheet. My name is Eunice. People forgive me so much, I forget my own names at times because it's so rare that I'm called by it. Well, you remember that I have nary a feather to fly with upstairs in the old brain. Thus, I sometimes like to ask you your name again, Remember that I have nary a feather to fly with upstairs in the old brain.
Starting point is 00:29:51 Thus, I sometimes like to ask you your name again just because. Anyways. Women. You see that the Duke Colin Wilson has been standing next to you for some time. And he goes, ah, hello. I saw your little performance up there for the queen. Oh, you did? I did, I did.
Starting point is 00:30:10 Would you like to see another little performance? Oh. I call this a dance. A dance? That seems a little inappropriate. There's no music playing. Who would you dance with? Ah, so now, so now. Blow my banjo.
Starting point is 00:30:20 So you blow your banjo while, while, while Fanny, like, like, which is just like an easier harp because there's less strings. That's a good point. Fanny takes over the harpsichord and plays a jaunty rag. Okay, okay. Let's all roll for these things individually. Okay.
Starting point is 00:30:41 So first, it'll affect how much affection Duke Wilson gets for one or all of you. Cynthia Nixon said she was going to pull out her banjo and then look good next to it. I will decide to agree that a banjo is really just a smaller harp.
Starting point is 00:30:55 So you can roll with it a D20 with advantage. Ooh, with advantage. I mean, it's already gone. I got 18. 18. Okay, so you pull the banjo out and then he goes,
Starting point is 00:31:03 oh, oh my. A portable harp? A portable my. A portable harp? A portable harp. A portable harp. The colonies really have come up with something quite interesting. And then you jump on the harpsichord, you said. Yes. Okay, so is the harpsichord and piano forte the same thing?
Starting point is 00:31:17 Yeah, the same keyboard. Okay, you get to roll with advantage as well. I got 14. Okay. So you start playing. What do you start playing? At this time period. Salieri's Welcome March. Salieri's Welcome this time period. Salieri's Welcome March.
Starting point is 00:31:26 Salieri's Welcome March. Yes. Salieri's Welcome March. This is just like Bridgerton. I love it. So he goes, oh, not bad. Bit of a trifle. Kind of just goes up and down again.
Starting point is 00:31:34 But I do enjoy it. I'm not playing. I'm pretending to play the strings, but I'm looking really good at ball too. Yeah, so he doesn't care. He doesn't notice. He's like, oh, this is so bad. Eunice is going to try to look uninteresting and sickly next to her sister so that she looks better. Oh, yes.
Starting point is 00:31:47 Are there any fainting couches about that you may faint into? I just sort of like stand next to her and just like sort of look off into the distance and sigh wistfully. Sigh consumptively. Do you have a tag that would help with that? I have uninteresting as a tag. Yeah. Okay, I feel like that merits advantage. Sure.
Starting point is 00:32:05 So go ahead and give me an advantage roll. I got a 13. Yeah. Okay, I feel like that merits advantage, sure. So go ahead and give me an advantage roll. I got a 13. 13, okay, 13's not bad. He looks at you and he looks at you for about a second and a half and then looks right back at Elizabeth. Here's specifically what it is, is that I see the Rogans coming down
Starting point is 00:32:19 and so I move myself into his peripheral vision to block them so that he looks at me and gets bored and looks back at my sister yeah he's like oh nothing interesting to look at that now it's all up to elizabeth give me a roll for your dancing and if you have a tag for good at dancing or whatever you can roll with advantage i do but i already got an 18 wow i'm gonna go with the 18 so what i'm doing right now is i'm going to secretly roll for how much duke wilson enjoys your dance and you're going to get some bonuses by the fact that your sisters helped you,
Starting point is 00:32:46 but it's all going to go for his affection for specifically Elizabeth, unless some of you are specifically trying to catch his eye. Are you all trying to help Elizabeth? I'm definitely putting a little juice into the playing and, you know, maybe that may attract some other eligible gentlemen around the room, you know? Okay.
Starting point is 00:33:01 Which of these men look the easiest? Definitely father Unworthy. Okay. He's the pinkest of the pinks, if you would say, in the Georgette hair slang of the Regency era. Is there a slang dictionary up there? Yes, I do have a slang dictionary up there. Wow.
Starting point is 00:33:18 I raised my eyebrows at him. I'm a gobblegawk, if you will. That means just a turkey. Okay, so here's what you see on Duke Wilson's face as you dance. You do a really good dance. The music accompaniment is pretty good. He's not looking at the Rogans. But as he watches you dance, he just kind of...
Starting point is 00:33:37 He just sighs a little bit to himself. Nary a toe tap. Nary a shake of his shoulders to the music. He doesn't seem much for dancing and for music do you wilson would you be interested in mayhaps a duet of dance dance dancing oh absolutely not i'm afraid no that's uh the far beneath me do i have to roll to intercentric and lady doesn't want to just fuck some shit up right now you can absolutely just come in and all right because the roans are terrible, and we know that,
Starting point is 00:34:05 so there's no reason pretending they're not. Lady Desdemona sweeps right on up in here, and she goes, I do believe the Duke would far prefer a quadrille with a competent partner. She snaps her fingers. Alice goes, oh, yes, music, and finds a large pipe organ that is also installed in the corner of this room and sits down and starts playing. Fanny Fanny looks over and is like, oh, I missed that.
Starting point is 00:34:31 It's right there. Starts playing box tocata in fugue. Fanny's impressed. Lady Philomena just sort of like wispy hobbles over to the fainting couch that Eunice failed to use earlier. And collapses gently down onto it. She was so uninteresting that she didn't even know she was on the couch and collapsed on top of her. Now blocking the view of Eunice.
Starting point is 00:34:52 Lady Jane stops next to Elizabeth and says, I thought your dancing was lovely. Oh, the worst. The worst. Oh my God. Okay, so give me... We're fucked, guys. This is over.
Starting point is 00:35:04 Give me a roll with advantage because all that was very good. We'll just have one roll for all of that. 16. Okay, great. Fuck. God damn it. So Duke Wilson,
Starting point is 00:35:13 bewitched by Desdemona's presence, God damn it. goes, yes, yes, what she said. That's what I would rather do. The quadrille. I tap Mr. Wilson on the shoulder very briefly.
Starting point is 00:35:25 If I may. Not Wilson on the shoulder very briefly. If I may. Not to be the bearer of bad news. I start just pulling her by the collar away from Mr. Wilson. There's something you need to know very immediately about Jane. Is that it shows a toes are long? Jane is right there. Jane is standing next to you. A toes are, I'm whispering this.
Starting point is 00:35:56 A toes are long. I have a whole thing in this rules about how you can do gossip in a way that doesn't come back to hit you, but if you want to just whisper it now, you can. It's not gossip if it's true. Their toes are long and developed much like fingers. I saw her pick up a fork with it. Deftly, with her long, agile toes. Now some...
Starting point is 00:36:19 All three of us go... I start fanning myself. I can't believe this is true. Some may be enamored by this. True. But it is a fact. Nevertheless, I thought you should be made aware of. All right.
Starting point is 00:36:31 So, Jane, how are you going to react to this? Well, actually, first roll a d20 to see if you can properly whisper it without Jane hearing you. We'll say you have to be a 15 because she's right there. Fuck, 11. Ooh. Okay. So, Jane, you hear that. Is there anything you would like to do in response?
Starting point is 00:36:44 Yeah, absolutely. Jane sort of, and like big doe-eyed blink, and then looks down in the most beautiful coquettish tilt of her head and says, I fear she is in some ways correct. My toes are much dexterous, far much
Starting point is 00:36:59 more so than any of my sisters, and it has long been a source of some embarrassment, but also one may in their heart yearn to believe, perhaps endearing and amusement? I'm ruined! Yeah, Anthony, could you roll to see if Wilson's into foot stuff? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:17 Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and just see if that works on my boy. He goes, oh, we can find many uses for you. Oh, no! What do you not, madam? Oh, no! And as for you, he says, turning to Elizabeth, to reveal such a secret in public,
Starting point is 00:37:33 in her very presence, that is the height of rudeness. I am deeply offended by what you've said. Roll another d20 of MPLS. Can I try to assist? How? I don't want anyone else to hear my sister getting told off
Starting point is 00:37:46 by Duke Wilson, so I cough up blood onto onto Philomena. Philomena? How do you say it? Philomena. I cough up blood onto Philomena and fall onto the floor. Okay, I'm going to tell you, even if you can stop people from caring about it in this
Starting point is 00:38:02 moment, word will probably spread, so you're going to have to roll pretty well. I got to cough up a lot of blood for this. Yes. You will take away from what happened today. I think you're going to have to beat a 16. Probably also is going to make you more undesirable. Well, I mean, some people are into it.
Starting point is 00:38:17 Some people are into it. Ever seen The Sixth Sense, Matt? In the tent? Yeah. You know she'd be her kid sick, right? Yeah. But that's just Munchausen. Munchausen's a good proxy.
Starting point is 00:38:25 I got a 14. You were so close. So yeah, you do successfully vomit. It's mostly phlegm. It's mostly phlegm. But it is. I do need to know exactly how much blood. Yeah, is there any blood in it?
Starting point is 00:38:36 Well, it's a 14. You tell me. Oh, yeah. So it's a 14. So there's just enough blood. If you look at it, you can tell there's some blood. From across the room. You can see dots of blood in this. And then I go, oh, dear. I've coughed up so much blood. If you look at it, you can tell there's some blood. From across the room. You can see dots of blood in this.
Starting point is 00:38:46 And then you go, oh dear, I've coughed up so much blood. Oh heavens. So Lady Alice, one of her tags is that she has a thing about blood. And so she does miss a note when her head like snaps over because she sees the flecks of blood. But then she sort of regains her footing. Fanny from the corner goes, ha! Y'all see that? goes, ha!
Starting point is 00:39:04 Y'all see that? I, yes, I said gossip loudly, but only because I, it also applies to me, and I've given handjobs with my handjobs. Roll your d20 with disadvantage. Take the higher number.
Starting point is 00:39:19 Oh my god! I coughed up blood for this? Oh god, I got an 18. Oh boy. So wait, Jane wants to intercede. Okay. Okay, Jane leans in quite frantically and is like, Oh yes, hand drops, that's a new game, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:39:39 I've heard about it from my cousins from the country. It does sound ever so much fun. Where you roll the ball down the field and it does the job of knocking the pins over. Isn't that right? Yes, and the pins go everywhere. All right, so take the lesser of the two rolls that you have for that damage.
Starting point is 00:39:56 I only have three. You only take three. Jane jumped in front of the bullet for you. Now, if you'll excuse me, it seems that Philomena has to clean herself up, but I'm going to dance the quadrille with Desdemona, if you wouldn't mind, my lady. And he takes her hand, and you move on to the dance floor.
Starting point is 00:40:10 Well, shit. There's still a rakishly handsome soldier. There's three other men! I see all of us turn and look at them! Let's do this fucking debacle! I do a sister huddle. I just grab them all back of their ears, and I pull them into a corner.
Starting point is 00:40:25 Yes, I think that went quite well. Surely I could have been more agreeable. Sister, you must teach me to play hand jobs. It sounds awful fun. It sounds like such a lock. Darlings, darlings, stick it together. What are you doing? We have to be married.
Starting point is 00:40:39 You're from the South. I'm going to be honest. I had a very clear idea of this character. And then I got scared and I said, howdy. And now I'm completely be honest I had a very clear idea of this character and then I got scared and I said howdy and now I'm completely completely confounded so do not I'm from the colonies and look
Starting point is 00:40:52 if we do not get married immediately we are fucked worse than a bull's cock as they say in the colonies so god damn it stick it together I know I haven't seen you in 15 years but we are screwed our father is garbage. Our mother is...
Starting point is 00:41:07 Where the fuck is she, huh? So what are we doing? Oh, sister, I've missed you these long years. I stroke you tenderly on the cheek. Oh, I've missed you too. I don't know your name. You weren't born when I was given away by our bastard father, but I wish I had a sister.
Starting point is 00:41:26 You do. You have three. I know, but listen. Why so Friday-faced or sad? Listen, I think it's a lost cause with Elizabeth. I think we can more or less write her off, but there's still time for one of us. Look, I'm going after the father.
Starting point is 00:41:40 It doesn't matter who I marry. Let us help you. I just desperately need to be married and prove in America that I have been married, okay? Yes, yes, let us help you. That would be most wonderful and sisterly. I shall whisper Bible verses in your ear that should be most germane to the conversation with the father. You said I was on lost cause.
Starting point is 00:41:56 Well, I'm sorry, Elizabeth. You fucked it up pretty bad there. If you want to go after Father Unworthy, the clergyman, you see him by the hors d'oeuvre table, and he just picks up something and sniffs it, and heicks it and he goes and puts it back down i saddle up to him and i take a shot of whatever it is that he put down it was a pig in a blanket i fucking deep throat that thing right down Oh, someone with quite an appetite. Delightful, delightful.
Starting point is 00:42:30 Father Unworthy, I'm charmed to make your acquaintance. What is your name again? Fanny and you just are slowly backing away from this. Father, listen here. Look around you. Look around. But I wish to look at only the divine creature before me. Like a fine wine, a woman of my age does certain things better than others.
Starting point is 00:42:48 What? Elaborate. If you wouldn't mind. I've been married. I'm experienced. You don't have a lot of options. Let's just get this over with as soon as possible. I apologize very, very quickly.
Starting point is 00:42:59 Did you say I don't have a lot of options? Is that what you said? Did I hear that correctly? My sweet? That's exactly what I said. Eunice, Bible verses, quickly. Love is patient. Love is kind.
Starting point is 00:43:13 Dallas starts playing a different box song on the organ. Just lasts the year. So they get really nervous. It's like, I have big toes too. Wait. Hold on. Let's roll for some too. Hold on. Let's roll for some stuff.
Starting point is 00:43:29 Hold on. Seeing this going south very quickly. So you know that Larry David ship of him being like, eh. Like when you insult him, he's like, eh. But then you say you have big toes and he's like, eh. So first of all, let's see if Eunice can distract you by quoting the Bible.
Starting point is 00:43:48 So Eunice, go ahead. You've got pious, right? So that feels like that's an advantage. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the Savior. Is what I think my sister was trying to say. When she deep-throated that pig in the bed.
Starting point is 00:44:07 So roll a d20. This is good. Roll a d20 with advantage. I got an eight. You got an eight? Yeah, with advantage. I got a four and an eight. Okay, so you're...
Starting point is 00:44:18 Even the good Lord couldn't make that one fly. So, Matt, you roll a d20. You're going to have to beat a 15 to convince him that you didn't just insult him completely. You're going to have to beat a 17. Oh, I got a fly. So, Matt, you roll a D20. You're going to have to beat a 15 to convince him that you didn't just insult him completely. You're going to have to beat a 17. Oh, I got a 19. Whoa! That's nervous.
Starting point is 00:44:32 So, okay, so he... When you look down at my toes, I did show just a dabble of ankle. Well, yeah, he sees a dabble of ankle, and he sees a bulge at the end of your slipper. And he goes, Madam, if you should know, Madam, do I, can in certain circumstances be driven to animalistic urges by cruelty?
Starting point is 00:44:58 I must know you a little bit first. Starting perhaps from the tips of your toes all the way to the top of your head. Well, she appears to be taken care of. This is all good. We give you a thumbs up, and then we peace out. So he's going to roll to see how much he likes you, Cynthia Nixon. Okay. Alright. Can I roll
Starting point is 00:45:19 perception to see how much he likes me? Sure. Perception? Yeah, give me a d20 roll, but you're dumb, so you have to do it with his advantage. Yeah, 16. Oh, it's a 12. Wait, you're dumb too? Yeah, I mean.
Starting point is 00:45:30 Oh, damn it. But you've got horse sense. So with a 12, you can tell that it was a positive. Frontier wisdom. You could tell that it was a positive reaction that he had. He went, hmm. He flicked his little fingers together, and he went back to the.
Starting point is 00:45:42 It was a positive erection. Yeah. There are things in the colonies that they don't do over here and I give him a little eyebrow raise oh my god you got a positive vibe from him he points and he goes I'm gonna make a turn about the room but I do believe we would be seeing each other
Starting point is 00:45:59 each other again when I walk away I bang my foot on the table oh god it's just hard to walk with these big boys. Father Unworthy bites his lower lip as he walks away. He does the hand flex from Brian Bridges. Jesus. The hand flexes his foot. He's wearing open-toed sandals, and you can see him flex his foot.
Starting point is 00:46:21 Oh, God. How dare you? Can I roll to write like an anonymous gossip letter and leave it somewhere? You would be doing it hurriedly inside of other people, so you would have to roll stealth to make sure nobody could see you doing it.
Starting point is 00:46:32 If you want to do it during like downtime when nobody can see you doing it, that's something else. When is downtime? What is downtime? When is downtime, Abby? Downton?
Starting point is 00:46:39 Downtime, Abby. There's going to be three big events that comprise our campaign. In between those events. The first one's pretty much a wash. Yeah, this is the first one. Hey, I got prospects.
Starting point is 00:46:50 Yeah, you do. You do. This is the first one. Between the first and second and the second and the third, there's going to be free time for you to do certain things to better yourself. And one of those things you can do is to- Like lock down a voice. Yeah, lock down a voice.
Starting point is 00:47:04 You can take vocal coaching. And amongst those things could be trying to spread gossip. We'll get into that once we get into downtime or into free time, but you can do it anonymously or you can do it with a bribe or you can do it personally and all that kind of stuff. But if you want to do it at the event, it could be really effective,
Starting point is 00:47:24 but there's going to be a chance that people see you writing this letter and will be able to trace it back to you, which would really hurt your prospects. Oh my God. I just feel like my prospects aren't doing well to begin with. There's also three other guys you could go after. I'm going to cast about the room
Starting point is 00:47:37 and see which of the men has been drawn to Lady Philomena, because I feel like if they're into sick ladies, I got an in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good call, good call. Yeah, good call. So Philomena is I feel like if they're into sick ladies, I got an in there. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good call, good call. Yeah, good call. Philomena is the sickly Rogan. Who recently had
Starting point is 00:47:51 a horrifying combination of a lot of phlegm and a little bit of blood spit up onto her gown. Yes. So she needed caretaking assistance from, you know,
Starting point is 00:48:00 a gentleman. Yes. A gentleman of action, probably. That would definitely be daryl hannah the soldier uh he takes out a handkerchief and he goes oh my lord oh this is i'm i'm so sorry that this has happened to you my dear do you have a spare dress i don't understand these things this one is
Starting point is 00:48:20 he turns around and you're right behind him. I'm sorry. Did you wish to speak? I was busy cleaning up this lady. But sister, I was just... Never mind. Sister, you must let the sick one have her way with this one. Yes, absolutely.
Starting point is 00:48:39 I heard all of that. The sick one has her way with... I don't know. I'm the sick one. All right, both of you roll a d20, and you can see who's going to be sicker, who's going to attract his attention the most. Come on, Will.
Starting point is 00:48:56 18. Five. Nice. Do I get advantage? Yeah, you get advantage. I mean, you both get advantage, yeah. Five. Okay, so describe the cough that you do that makes him turn away from a woman
Starting point is 00:49:08 he's cleaning to work on you. It's just like a shuddering, wet, like... Love that for you. Like a six-pack-a-day smoker is dying kind of cough. Wow. Just like a real heaver, do you know what I mean? A death rattle adjacent. And yeah, and like you see,
Starting point is 00:49:23 there's like a T-Rex tremble in his champagne. And then one of the other bachelors leaves and you're like, he left us. He left us. That's not what I'm gonna do. Daryl Hannah hears that and goes, oh my word, I'm so sorry. And he continues to clean Philomena with one hand,
Starting point is 00:49:43 but he turns to Eunice and pulls out a second handkerchief. Dual wielding handkerchiefs? And he's like, oh, my dear, my dear, there must be something in the water or something. I never thought I would be safer on the front lines. I'm terribly sorry I picked up this cold wandering the moose. Oh, a woman of your constitution should not be wandering the moose.
Starting point is 00:49:59 They tell me that it's good for my health to get fresh air. They must be lying, my dear. Tell me that it's good for my health to get fresh air. They must be lying, my dear. Tell me, you seem to be a man of action, of battle and carnage. Have you seen much of death? Go ahead and give me a roll.
Starting point is 00:50:14 Just a roll? You're rolling for war stories. So like if you roll well, he'll be happy to tell you them. I rolled a 14. Okay, so he goes, oh, I've seen a bit of adventure in my time, sure. A bit of blood and dirt and the filthy, what do they call them, Frenchies? Do they have a derogatory name for the French at the time?
Starting point is 00:50:30 I feel like the French is fine. The French. Derogatory enough as it is on its own. Sir, I know so little of the Napoleonic Wars. Perhaps you could explain them to me in great detail. Oh, it's really not so complicated. You see, there's this chap. He's not such a bad chap.
Starting point is 00:50:46 Napoleon, tiny little man. He wants to... Roll to see if you cough something up while you laugh. So you cough directly... Disadvantage, I'm assuming? There's a roll for sickliness? Yeah, there's a roll for sickliness. Yeah, so you cough into his mouth while he's stopping and he goes,
Starting point is 00:51:06 Oh, Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh, Oh, I'm terribly sorry. No, it's okay.
Starting point is 00:51:11 You were telling me about battle maneuvers and many interesting things. Well, I, I can't, I wouldn't want to bore you with that. Lady Alice drifts in at his shoulder. Okay. And says,
Starting point is 00:51:23 you're who ain't good chief. What? Your handkerchief, sir, for my poor cousin. And Philomena because she's still dirty. Uh-huh. If you would be so kind. Oh, of course. And he hands it to you. He goes, yes, you could
Starting point is 00:51:41 clear up after your sister while I explain military. And he says, thank you. I will love to hear this one's opinions on blood and death. And starts to gently mop up her sister. Okay. He goes, well, here's the thing about combat. The weapons that we have are not terribly accurate, so we have to often stand in lines and fire? Lines? And fire at the same time.
Starting point is 00:52:05 Oh, yes, lines. Are they straight lines? Not when I'm around. No, I'm kidding. I've had dalliances now that I'm here to marry a woman who I'll probably have sexual relations with. Probably. But, yes, no, bayonets are often a thing.
Starting point is 00:52:24 I took a bayonet to the chest, actually. There's quite a jar and scar. There's a great deal of blood. I didn't faint, though. A lot of the boys in the trenches often faint. We didn't do trenches often. How masculine of you. I thought so.
Starting point is 00:52:35 Thank you. Thank you. But that doesn't scare you too much, does it? I would not want to worsen your condition with my story. Oh, heavens know I think of death often when I'm wandering the moors. Uh-oh. Well, the point is to not die. So I don't want to worsen your condition with my story. Oh, heavens know I think of death often when I'm wandering the moors. Uh-oh. Well, the point is to not die. So I don't want to.
Starting point is 00:52:49 Yes. No, of course. Alice Hansen back his handkerchief. Okay. He goes, oh, thank you. It is soaked in blood. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's very heavy.
Starting point is 00:52:59 Did you keep the bloody clothes? Did I keep the bloody clothes that I wore? Oh, yes, I did. I thought it was sort of a red badge of courage, as it were. I would love to see them. That's an impression I can also do. Please don't. Don't. Do a Stewie impression.
Starting point is 00:53:16 It's Sean Topham again, my dear. But I would love to see your bloody clothes. Okay, so both of you are going to roll to seduce this man. You're going to roll with advantage because you are sickly. I would say you're...
Starting point is 00:53:31 I feel like I'm really playing my more uninteresting thing here. Like, I really am just hoping he's so interested in himself that he'll like me by talking at himself. That's an extremely good fucking maneuver, by the way.
Starting point is 00:53:41 Yes, yes. So you definitely roll with advantage for being uninteresting because you're just letting him talk his own ear off. Will would do great on hinge. And then Amanda, I think you're just going to roll normally because your blood fixation is not like a plus for you in this moment.
Starting point is 00:53:54 No. Nine. I got a five and a two. Oh, no. That's so interesting. He goes, I do feel like you've been making this all about you, though, with your coughing and your whole thing with the tissue. So I'm just going to go and turn 45 degrees to my left. 45 degrees? That sounds like an interesting angle. Tell me more about that.
Starting point is 00:54:18 It's half of a square, which is what you are. Oh, my God. So he goes, oh, yes, the bloody thing that I have. Let's talk a bit more about that. So he feels certain things for both of you, but we're going to move on from that. Daryl Hannah, the soldier, walks away with Desdemona, but he does spare a single look over his shoulder. Not Desdemona. With Alice, of all fucking people.
Starting point is 00:54:37 Oh, Alice, that's right. You're right, you're right. Weird cousin Alice. Yes, weird cousin Alice. He does go and walk away with weird cousin Alice to show her his bloody outfit, but he does spare a single glance over his shoulder for Eunice, and he kind of cocks his eyebrow a little bit, but then walks away with Alice.
Starting point is 00:54:51 Eunice gives a smirk smug to Philomena as she wipes blood from her mouth. Yeah. I want to approach Theodore Stampler. Okay. And I'm going to do, just coming up hella coquettish, dude. And Fanny's going to be like, Sir Stampler, do you find the proceedings to your liking?
Starting point is 00:55:08 Oh, what do we have here, my dear? Oh, oh, oh. It takes him 15 seconds to look into your eyes. Well, it's going to be tough because I'm also shyly averting my eyes, too. He's just moving all around trying to get... We look like two boxers, like shadowing. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:55:24 Like ducking and weaving. Just sizing each other up. It's like two boxers like shadowing you know what I'm saying? Like ducking and weaving. Just sizing each other up. It's like two people playing laser tag. Look at your face. Trying to hit his chest sensor. So he goes, oh, I'm Perry, sorry.
Starting point is 00:55:40 I'm sorry if it's too much. Theodore Stampler, businessman at your service. What was your name again? I believe I missed it. I am Fanny. Whatodore Stampler, businessman at your service. What was your name again? I believe I missed it. I am Fanny... What's her fucking last name? Mothman.
Starting point is 00:55:49 Fanny Mothman. Fanny Mothman. I am Charmed. And he grabs your hand and kisses it and his mustache tickles your hand. Your facial hair is quite ticklish, sir. Charmed, that's a silly name.
Starting point is 00:56:02 Whoa, you're here. He turns around, you're right behind him. Elizabeth, Elizabeth, could you please shut the fuck up? I'm trying to do my shit here. I tackle Elizabeth. I run like it was my full trips. I take Elizabeth out of the room.
Starting point is 00:56:15 I take her out. New American game called football. You're going to love it. Okay, go ahead and roll for tackling Elizabeth. If that happens, then Elizabeth will get no... Help, I'm stuck in my sister's body. She looks up and she's just already in a carriage. And we're certainly in a place.
Starting point is 00:56:31 She's like, chill. She's like, Elizabeth. I'm just stuck in this carriage. Won't somebody get me out of this carriage? You have a lot of charms, but just let our sister have this one, okay? Please. I will. Because I am a good sister and friend.
Starting point is 00:56:51 Yes, you managed to extricate Elizabeth from this entirely, with nobody seeing that you even tackled her. It's an outside procurement. It looks like we are driving unicorn, or driving a vehicle with three horses, one in front of two others. I don't know whose character this is. It's way too fancy for us. I say, while we're here, let's make a deal of it.
Starting point is 00:57:07 And let's show our faces outside the window. So can we just circle the house looking good? Like some people may notice. Oh, the Muffin have a fancy carriage. And look how good. You know that scene in Pride and Prejudice when the women are like, let's just walk around the room. And they just walk around the room and then watch them. Let's just put some shitties around the room.
Starting point is 00:57:28 Shall we ghost ride the whip, sister? All right. All right. Before we get back to the Theodore Stampler scene, go ahead and both of you roll D20s to see if you look hot with your faces out the carriage window. Panama plays on like a flute. Panama. Can I get an advantage for it?
Starting point is 00:57:50 Because why? Horses at the American frontier, baby. That's true. It's a negative thing that I could ride horses like a man. That doesn't work. No, you're not riding. You're just in the carriage. Only my face can show up at the window. My hands are out as if I'm playing the harp.
Starting point is 00:58:04 I got 12. I got 12. Okay, you got 12. I got a 19. You got a 19? Okay, good. No, it's more important that you look good. The only thing that matters to me is my feet.
Starting point is 00:58:13 Yeah, are they your fingers or your feet out the window? We'll never know. So you do your circle of the palace, and you see that Colin Wilson is helping Desdemona into a carriage, but he sees you going by, and he sees your pretty faces, and he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh. The hottest thing I've ever seen. Are they stealing my carriage?
Starting point is 00:58:37 Back to Theodore Stampler. What are you all about, my dear? What do you do when you're not being adorable? I find I'm, if it's not too immodest to say so, quite adept at the pianoforte. Okay. Is there perhaps a tune or dalliance
Starting point is 00:58:57 you would like to hear? I can play many by ear. I have to say, for me personally, my favorite song on the pianoforte is silence. I find it to be a bass and bestial instrument mainly played by perverts. Sir, do you have such an attitude towards all music? No, no, no, not at all. It's just specifically the pianoforte, anything with keys. But why does the piano vex you, no, no, not at all. It's just specifically the piano for anything with keys.
Starting point is 00:59:25 But why does the piano vex you so, if I may ask? To be completely honest, the tickling of the keys with one's fingers seems more than literally erotic, for my taste. That kind of behavior should happen, as God intended, behind closed doors. Upon hearing the words, as God intended, Eunice rises from the couch,
Starting point is 00:59:44 and her head just kind of turns like the T-1000 like slacking onto a target and I start slowly making my way over. And I go, well, perhaps sometimes I play with gloves on
Starting point is 00:59:53 so as not to harm my delicate hands. Yes, but then you can't feel it. No glove, no love as my widow once said. But I'm afraid that just the sound of the piano for days is...
Starting point is 01:00:04 You were widowed, I was not aware. Yes, yes, indeed. Hold the fucking phone one second. Did they let a widower in here? Yeah, Ben could get remarried. I'm a man. I can do whatever I want, so who's in bed... Wait, is that not a big deal? No, not really.
Starting point is 01:00:17 For men? No, not really. Men got everything. There wasn't a reputation hit, even if... No, not even at all. Weird. No. No. Okay. Only if people know when you murder them. Only if people know, like really know. Like they could know but like not know, you know? I kind of turn around and I'm like, I look over to my other sister like, oh no. You see Eunice coming up. Eunice, how have you met
Starting point is 01:00:34 my dear sister Eunice? How do you do? Are you two discussing music? Yes, and he has apparently quite a distaste for music on the pianoforte or harpsichord or the clavichord or any of the keyed instruments. Yes. Disgusting.
Starting point is 01:00:47 Oh, God. What about you, Eunice? Well, I always say, sing to him, sing praises to him, tell of all his wondrous works. That's my favorite kind of music. Sing unto the Lord. Oh, yes, please do sing, says Lady Jane overhearing. Yes, actually, I would love it if you could, without Googling it,
Starting point is 01:01:05 sing a hymnal to the Lord. Yeah, that's right. Close that laptop, big boy. Sing a hymnal to the Lord. Oh, wait, this is a voice. Sing a hymnal to the Lord for me. Well, if I shall, then I shall need my sister to accompany me
Starting point is 01:01:19 on the pianoforte, so we can prove to you that tis a most holy instrument, good sir. Oh, shit. Hold on. Freddie's moving to his keyboard. Oh, no. Okay.
Starting point is 01:01:31 Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I'll start and then you play along, okay? Okay, yes, yes, yes. Very good. Oh, come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant. O come, all ye to Bethlehem, and Jesus is Lord. Okay.
Starting point is 01:01:59 Both of you roll. I had gloves on, though, so it was hella sexy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Roll with advantage, because you did a thing. Shit, yeah. was hella sexy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Roll with advantage, because you did a thing. Shit, yeah. He's like, you got a good sound.
Starting point is 01:02:09 Yeah. I'm a manager. Yeah, yeah. I got a 10. Okay. Distaste for pianoforte. I'm going to do one roll, because my piousness cancels out my bad at singing and doing music and knowing the words to the hymn. So I got 15.
Starting point is 01:02:23 15. Wow. He looks at Fanny. Fanny. I don't know why that's the one I'm forgetting. He looks at Fanny and he goes, it was a very good idea, my dear, but I remain unchanged on my opinion of that devil's keys in the harpsichord.
Starting point is 01:02:36 Very well, your loss. You seem to be a perfectly blind young lady. Now as for you, my dear, dear Eurus, I could feel the very spirit of the Lord, but with slightly wrong lyrics coming through your throat. And as a very religious man
Starting point is 01:02:54 myself, I think that we may have a little bit more to talk about. Yes, indeed. I do hope your interests run beyond the mere religious, because that's, you know, I'm a man of church and the church, but I'm a man of business and my business. Sir Martin Luther said that next to the word of God, the noble art of music is the greatest treasure in the world. I didn't Google that either.
Starting point is 01:03:14 Real shit-stir that Martin Luther was. Yes, but we like him because we're not papers. Yeah, yeah. I love a good stirring of shit. But yes, I hope that you and I can meet again soon. Yes, and like Martin Luther, you can nail me to the wall. I didn't say that. You didn't need to say that.
Starting point is 01:03:32 What was that? What was that? I heard you. Okay. With the coughing, yes. While I'm in the carriage, can I get an advantage on stealthily writing an anonymous note of gossip? Because nobody's like, yeah, absolutely. You could leave it in that carriage
Starting point is 01:03:47 because it clearly belongs to someone else. Although we do know it belongs to the Rogan family. Drop it out the window, though. I think I want to drop it out the window and then roll it to Anthony and see which of the men pick it up. Oh, you're actually, you're writing something down on a piece of paper.
Starting point is 01:04:01 I wrote it. Okay. That's why we can do props, too. Yeah. Cool. It's like Carrot Top doing a lot of prop work right, too. Yeah. Cool. Just like Carrot Top. Doing a lot of prop work right now. I'm a prop comedian just like Carrot Top.
Starting point is 01:04:09 C-A-R-R-O-T-T. The person that people most compare Beth to is Carrot Top. Always. Okay. I'm going to roll two dice. See if the suitors find it or if one of the Rogans runs across it. Oh, fuck. Uh-oh.
Starting point is 01:04:21 Okay. Actually, I don't have to tell you. What? You wouldn't know who saw it. Who got it, right? Unless you want to sit there. Yeah, can we spy? Roll a C to get spotted spoh. Okay. Actually, I don't have to tell you. What? You wouldn't know who saw it. You got it, right? Unless you want to sit there. Yeah, can we spy? Roll to see if you get spotted spying.
Starting point is 01:04:28 Okay. Fuck. I don't want to risk it. I'm so low. Are you still in the carriage? Yeah, but you got to get out of the carriage eventually. It's not your carriage. Okay, true.
Starting point is 01:04:35 I'm helping her because I lived in the wild outback of America and I know how to hide bushes. I spent a summer tracking game across the great American West. I rolled a 17. Okay. So you are unseen and you witness Duke Colin Wilson after he helps Desdemona into her carriage. He comes across a note.
Starting point is 01:05:01 Darling, what did it say? Okay. note. Darling, what did it say? Um, okay. And he goes, you see him leap back from the letter almost as if it bit him, and he folds it up, and he pockets it
Starting point is 01:05:20 for later use. What does it say? Elizabeth, what did that say? So let's say you're all back at home now after the baller. Okay. I'm say? Elizabeth, what did that say? So let's say you're all back at home now after the baller. Okay, I'm drunk. Yes, what did you say? You mean you're drunk as a wheel, bro? Yes, indeed. Or a standby.
Starting point is 01:05:34 Standby. Jug bitten, one might say. My dear sisters, I fucking crashed and burned at that party. It was quite a fucking ordeal. Oh no, dear sister, you did quite good till the Lord took hold of your senses.
Starting point is 01:05:44 Oh dear. You're trotting too hard. You're exhausting yourself. Bitch, you ruined my shit. No, I didn't. I spread a very fine rumor. If it wasn't for the fucking Cynthia was not there, we all would have been fucked. Completely.
Starting point is 01:06:00 I know. I know. But I managed to spread a very handsome rumor. What rumor did you know. But I managed to spread a very handsome rumor. What rumor did you spread? What did you spread? I spread the rumor that I witnessed Cousin Alice kiss the family dog for seven uninterrupted seconds. And because you rolled so well, A, Colin Wilson believes it, and B, that cannot be traced back to you. It is a tag that is on Alice that can be used against her to make her role worse on like those things.
Starting point is 01:06:29 It's a dog tag, you might say. We'll all show up at the next event with dogs in our hands and just like constantly put them near her. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge Indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from Indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves.
Starting point is 01:06:56 At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. I have no prospects at the end of that, despite my ridiculous skill at the pianoforte. Sisters, I believe I have two gentlemen interested in me. How about you share some, you fucking bitch? If I pick one, the other naturally would be so crestfallen and heartbroken that one of these people would swoop in.
Starting point is 01:07:29 A rebound, if you will. A rebound, as they say in the colonies. He's just not that into you, as they say. Oh, kill me. So what are the things we can do in free time? Yes, so you are basically now in a free time. So you know that the next event that's going to be coming up is a masquerade charity event.
Starting point is 01:07:46 You're going to be wearing masks and whichever person donates the most money is going to get a generosity positive trait when you go to that event. But until then, each of you get to do two actions, two free time actions, and they can be essentially anything you can think up. But if you have the rules in front of you, you can go to free time actions. There's a lot of suggestions there for things that you can do that will give you positive traits. Many of them will allow you to heal MP. You can also try to do research on the Rogans. While all of you have dirty secrets, the Rogans also have dirty secrets, each of them. And the Rogans will in turn get, you know, four actions to try to find things out about you. Just as an example of some things that you can do to improve yourself, you could
Starting point is 01:08:25 practice singing in the pianoforte to get a musician reputation and heal 1d10 worth of marriage potential. You could visit someone's house for a one-on-one conversation with them. That includes any of the Rogans and also any of the bachelors. You can try to do sneaky stuff while you're at that house and so on and so forth. Can we research the bachelors too? Yes, absolutely. You can research the bachelors to find out how much they like anyone. Basically, you can talk to the staff in their home and find out you know all the rumors about them so any one of you can go first and then amanda can go second and we'll go back you can go fox hunting my first thing is i would like to suss out filomena's terrible secret okay
Starting point is 01:09:00 and to do that i'm gonna linger around linger around church. Oh, you should fake confession. Be the confession. Yes, I'm going to hide in the confessional and wait for her to come in for confession. Okay, great. Do they do confession in non-Catholic churches? No. Do they do it in this church for this scene because it's fun? Uh-huh.
Starting point is 01:09:18 Yep. They just invented it just for these Protestants. Wow. Protestants? Papists? Protestants. Papists are the opposite of Protestants. I don't know what any religion is.
Starting point is 01:09:26 Yeah, well, it's a Papist. Papist is a Catholic. Oh, it sounds like a piece of paper. Because they're all, you know, fucking got that Pope up their ass and they just can't shake it. Oh, okay. Fine.
Starting point is 01:09:35 Okay, so, yeah, just this one time they decided, let's have a fun confessional booth thing. Let's be naughty. Oh, my God. It's like a sleepover. It's kind of like making fun of Catholics, too. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:09:45 Wouldn't it be crazy if you had to talk to a guy instead of to God to talk about the stuff? So the preacher, I presume he'd be father unworthy. He's like, look at this silly thing Catholics do. This is delightful. It's going to be so funny, all these secrets. Okay, okay. But before I
Starting point is 01:10:02 get to the confessions, oh, quite a line today. Oh, my dear. I'm going to go pop in the loo with the water closet as well. Can't wait to marry him. So I'll be right back. For a moment, the confessional is open, if you want to try to sneak in. So yes, I would like to slip into the confessional,
Starting point is 01:10:21 and then I'm going to put the little sign that says the priest is in. Yeah, like Lucy from Peanuts. From Peanuts on the door. Sure enough, after you have to listen to a couple people who are just cheating on their wives. Was it Alice you were trying to find out the secret? No, Philomena. Philomena. Her rival in poorly known.
Starting point is 01:10:38 Yes, fellow sickly Philomena. Go ahead and describe Philomena entering the confessional. Philomena is carried to the confessional by, you know, a manservant on her little cushion and arranged artfully in a sort of sad half drape against the back of it. And with her big, big eyes all downcast and her sad little pale little throat, like shivering with her breath and just really. Here's your chance to kill her. Speak my child, unburden yourself Well, I have to say
Starting point is 01:11:13 The coming out ball was quite a disappointment in the end, really Really? Yes I'm afraid I was so terribly weak and meek and uninteresting That another girl ended up being even more weak and uninteresting than I. Ah, it is a sign from God that you should abandon the season and devote yourself to spinsterhood.
Starting point is 01:11:37 All right, go ahead and roll to see if you can convince her of that. And then you will make an opposed roll, Amanda. This is very unpious, what I'm doing. Yeah, I feel like it's disadvantage because it's against what you believe in. I got three. Okay, just roll higher than the three, Amanda.
Starting point is 01:11:52 That would be a 16. Ooh, tough blow. So yeah, you do not have to acquiesce to that suggestion, but you also do not yet know that this is not the priest. I don't think so. Mostly because I need to wed quite badly, as do all of my sisters, and also, of course, my cousin, though perhaps not so badly as me and my sisters. And why is that? Because what else is there for us to do?
Starting point is 01:12:18 Well, that's a good point, but I was thinking, is there like a terrible reason that you must be married so desperately? A reason more terrible? Listen, this is a confession. You're supposed to say bad stuff you did. Oh, well, I did have rather unkind thoughts about the other poor sickly girl who was there. Really? Well, her coughing was so rather indelicate and quite garish. And I felt so terribly bad for her because it was so humiliating and embarrassing and uncomfortable to watch.
Starting point is 01:12:54 And also, of course, we are billing her family for 300 pound. It will cost to replace my dress. I'm not sure if they've received that. Well, I bet the dress looked ugly on you anyway, so it's not much of a loss. Okay, roll. Both of you roll you with disadvantage to see if you can maintain this ruse. I got a two.
Starting point is 01:13:13 All right. Oh, no. 15. Okay, you know that something is awry. May I ask, Father? Is this your first time doing this sort of thing? Because I'm not sure you're very good at it. Well, but that's the whole point is we're doing a goof on the papists.
Starting point is 01:13:32 Don't you remember? Are you too stupid to remember that? And I went out trying. Okay, I feel like you don't even have to roll for this. You did this in front of a line of people. Okay, I feel like you don't even have to roll for this. You did this in front of a line of people. Oh, no!
Starting point is 01:13:50 So go ahead and give a little note on your character sheet that you're a liar or that you're a blasphemer. Yeah, blasphemer. You're a holier-than-thou blasphemer. Okay. Okay, so that was one of your free-time actions. Is there any free-time actions that the Rogans would like to do? Oh, yeah. Oh, no.
Starting point is 01:14:06 All right, let's see here lady desdemona will use hers to visit the duke's home to deposit a gift for him we should have done that god damn it of course she goes when she knows that he will be there but she does not ask to see him. She merely requires admittance so that she can bring it herself by hand. And if they run into each other, she'll be it. Okay, let's roll to see if you run into each other. He got a six. Eight.
Starting point is 01:14:38 That means you run into him. Your Grace. Oh. Deepest of bells. Oh, Lady Desimone, it is quite a pleasure to see you so soon. And a truly wonderful surprise to see you as well, Your Grace. I only start by your magnificent home. So large.
Starting point is 01:14:53 It gets me from A to B. His home? It's a frowning joke. From one end of your home to the other. Yes, exactly. See, she gets it. That's why she has a high score with me right now. Fabulous.
Starting point is 01:15:08 Yes, no, I only wish to bring you this arrangement of flowers that I, of course, designed and presented myself and this piece of hand embroidery to accompany them. The piece of embroidery is, of course, an extremely elaborate orchid, and the bouquet is a whole lot of, like, big spiraling lilies and other things that could possibly be seen as being vaguely suggestive this is like watching the Harlem Globetrotters yeah this was a lost cause we should probably just
Starting point is 01:15:35 abandon that I think Freddie was right when we started by saying we gotta kill them I just had to kill them so yeah you have to fight dirty girls you can absolutely do that two more events in the season let's go yeah all kinds of things could happen in a masquerade ball okay
Starting point is 01:15:50 so he takes her and he goes oh oh thank you thank you so much and so his opinion of you changes for the better
Starting point is 01:15:56 I can just be frank about that you'll grace and she takes her fucking leave because the bitch knows when to bounce alright now the underdogs
Starting point is 01:16:03 I want to go okay you go the bad news bears yeah yeah the bad news bears which knows when to bounce. God damn it. Now, the underdogs. I want to go. Okay, you go. Let's go, Beth. You go. The bad news bears. Yeah, yeah, the bad news bears.
Starting point is 01:16:11 I would like to... I'm just going to lay all the cards on the table. I want to sneak into their kitchen and poison one of them. One of the Rogans. One of the Rogans? Yeah, one of the Rogans. Are you targeting one of them, or you don't care? I'm going to target Jane. I'm going to target Jane. Oh, no. One of the Rogans? Yeah, one of the Rogans. Are you targeting one of them or you don't care? I'm going to target Jane. I'm going to target Jane.
Starting point is 01:16:27 Good old... Wait, the perfect one? Yes. Is she going after Colin? You fool, if Jane gets sick, she'll be unstoppable. Oh, fuck. No, this isn't like sick poison. This is dead poison.
Starting point is 01:16:37 I'm trying to give them like leprosy or something. Okay. Anthrax. Okay. Yeah, anthrax. There's a lot of dead cows probably around that have anthrax. And you're not hot when you have anthrax, are you? No, no. Okay. Anthrax. Okay. Yeah, anthrax. There's a lot of dead cows probably around that have anthrax. And you're not hot when you have anthrax, are you? No, no, no.
Starting point is 01:16:48 Okay. You're dead when you have anthrax. Okay. I don't know if I want to go that far, but like any disease where they're not hot. Are you trying to kill them? Oh, you're not trying to kill her. You're just trying to make her not hot. Can I get a brief sister huddle?
Starting point is 01:17:01 Yes. Dear sister. Should I kill them or should I ill them? I'm going to pretend I didn't hear this conversation. And go pray. So I go pray. Well, sister, I mean, if you kill somebody, you can't take that back. But I can't take a hand in marriage if I don't kill them.
Starting point is 01:17:23 Who? I say you kill them. I have found that killing people have solved my problems in the past. What's that sister? Nothing, I've just, yes. My dear sister, desperate times do call for desperate measures so I think you should apply
Starting point is 01:17:38 as much force as you see fit in the situation and in this case I think it's quite a bit. Yes, so as to get into the kitchen, I will be masquerading as a man who cooks. There's a word for that. A chef. A chef.
Starting point is 01:17:56 A chef boy, if you will. Let's roll to see if you can sneak in as a man that cooks. A chef boy. RD. Your name is RD. Robert Downey. Robert Down. A chef boy. RD. Your name is RD. Robert Downey. RD is a chef boy. Robert Downey's chef boy. They got you.
Starting point is 01:18:10 I got a one. Oh no! Okay, so Jane sees you as you're approaching the manor. Like on the path outside. Hello, Jane. So odd to see you here. Elizabeth, may I call you Lizzie?
Starting point is 01:18:25 I really have to tell you this is the most wonderful surprise because I was just coming home to change so I could be presentable when I called around to your house to see you. Oh, yes, and what were you going to see me about? I know things were quite strange and difficult. Quite strange and quite difficult. And confusing at the coming out ball, wasn't it? Yes.
Starting point is 01:18:44 Emily, the thing is, I know our families don't at all get along, don't agree. They don't. I was so hoping that you and I could still be friends. Oh, I would love that. This is turning a natural one to a natural 20, baby. That was even worse.
Starting point is 01:19:00 Now she's really like, you know what? You're just holding a bottle with a skull and crossbones. Yeah, you have the poison on you. It looks like a bottle. What does the poison look like, Beth? It's like a person's head on a bottle.
Starting point is 01:19:15 And it just looks like fleshy and awful. So where are you going dressed as a boy and holding this grotesque bottle? Well, it is a masquerade bowl. And so I was thinking about the mask we wear in life. In life and in love.
Starting point is 01:19:32 You are so tremendously insightful, Elizabeth. I am so glad we're going to be such tremendous friends. We're going to be tremendous friends. Would you like to settle this friendship over a meal, perhaps? I myself am studying to be a tremendous cook, and I would love to prepare something for you. Your family allows you to study, as though you might take a vocation. Ah, yes.
Starting point is 01:20:07 What the fuck are you doing, Anthony? Anthony's going over to Amanda and whispering something in her ear. I would be absolutely honored. Please, yes, come inside. Since you're here, I don't have to spend all the time it takes to ready myself and prepare my dress and call the footman and make the journey across town to the part where you live.
Starting point is 01:20:23 So yes, please, let's go inside. Oh, what a lovely home. So yes, please, let's coincide with this one. Damn. Oh, what a lovely home. So Jane leads you into her lovely home. It's fucking dope. It's dope. It's dope as shit. They have more money than you do.
Starting point is 01:20:33 What about my crib? They got a trampoline room, dog. This is my crib. I slept in it until I was three. Oh, goddammit. Someday I hope my own children will sleep in it also. Oh, how lovely.
Starting point is 01:20:51 To think about we all make such a journey from the cradle to the grave. Oh, but Elizabeth, our journey's only just begun. There's so much ahead of us to enjoy. There is. The future. The future.
Starting point is 01:21:09 The future, Elizabeth, is a wonder. It's a wonder and a mystery. Isn't it? So a male cook comes out of the kitchen and goes, Hey, the pasta, it didn't, they burned. There's nothing to eat tonight. Oh, no. Mario, that's terrible.
Starting point is 01:21:27 It is. But it's okay. We won't sack you and send you away without reference because we would never do that. You're funny. Oh, Jane, your generosity means the world to me. Thank you, Mario. How about...
Starting point is 01:21:40 Mario, why don't you and Wario show Miss Elizabeth? It would be my pleasure. Come with me, Lady Elizabeth. Oh, this is our drink cabinet. Don't worry, I'm going to wine your glasses. Don't worry. I'm going to wine. Did I hear correctly from the missus that you wanted to make some food for the two of you?
Starting point is 01:22:03 A very intimate friendship dinner. Yes, of course, if that would be all right, of course. Oh, whatever the lady likes, the lady gets. And Jane has been so kind to all of us for so long. She has such a big heart. Will the knot fall in love with Wario, the sexy Italian servant? I think we're the bad guys. Hold up, hold up.
Starting point is 01:22:24 Is Wario like single and like eligible? I'll fucking Google it, Freddie. Well, no, it's this character. Is this character Wario? Is Wario single? Here's what I'm gonna do. Are the two chefs single? Google says, meanwhile,
Starting point is 01:22:40 Wario appears only to be married to his wealth. Actually, I don't know about you guys. I was going to just flip a coin, but I think that speaks to everything. He goes, I'm married to my work. I love making food for Jane. I love making a very small amount of money that keeps me in poverty.
Starting point is 01:22:58 What a delight. But, I mean, I'm open to maybe somebody coming into my life. You might say it's a living. Somebody really makes me go, wow. So fun. What did you want to cook? We could teach you how to use all the different things in the kitchen because you don't, if I may be frank, you look like someone who's been cooked for, not who does the cooking themselves.
Starting point is 01:23:21 You're quite right in that observation. And yet I prefer to be a solo learner. Nobody around really watching me learn. Oh, watching what I do. Go ahead and make a roll, see if Vincent will leave you alone. Fucking hell, four. Okay, Mari goes,
Starting point is 01:23:37 it would make me a little bit more comfortable for your own comfort and your safety if I was here for you. Is that okay, Lady Mrs. Jane? It's absolutely fine with me. Just make sure to give Elizabeth, you know, room in the kitchen. I want to make sure that her vision and her real attempt at making something beautiful to signify the start of our bosom friendship goes unfettered. But of course, we do not want to burn the house down. So yes, Wario, please, please stay on hand and help her in any way she desires.
Starting point is 01:24:05 I do like parrots. I'll go get the trained parrots and I'll have them do a delightful dance for us before we eat. Oh, yay! Of course. I love the parrots. I'm so happy they don't talk, too. They just do the dancing.
Starting point is 01:24:20 So Wario goes in the corner and crosses his arms. And he goes, okay, go nuts with your food. I'm just here to make sure nothing gets set on fire. So go ahead, whatever you want to make. Now that it is just the two of us, what would you say you want most in this thing we call life? Oh, money, money, money, money, for sure. And what would you want second most in this thing we call life? Oh, money, money, money, money. For sure. And what would you want second most?
Starting point is 01:24:49 I mean, I would just list other things money can buy, I guess. I mean, maybe a friendly companionship, someone to grow old with. Oh! Mostly just to win. To win. To win. I'm a warrior, I want to win. I want to get all the money. I want to feel like I'm a warrior. I want to win. I want to get all the money.
Starting point is 01:25:06 I want to feel like I'm a success. I want Lady Jane to be happy. I want to win. What if I told you that winning could be maybe working for another team? You're trying to... You want me to cook for you? Oh, yes. Or just be okay with what I cook.
Starting point is 01:25:27 I have some peculiar recipes, you might say. Oh, I mean, you can cook whatever you want. Again, I'm just, I'm here to give you freedom. I'm just here to make sure that the place doesn't burn down. Okay, in that case, I'm making poison ravioli for one. For what now? I'm making poison ravioli for one. A very special dish.
Starting point is 01:25:44 Is that a French thing? Uh, yes. Okay. But they hate the French. Wait, for one, but you gotta make it two, right? You eat with her. Oh, yes, but I just like to call it for one. And then I make a...
Starting point is 01:26:01 That's a funny thing to do. And then if we're hungry after, I also make a non-poison ravioli. A mean non-poison, but it's less mean if you think about the lack of poison. Okay, I'm just going to... Actually, that's what I call it. I call it my mean ravioli and then my less mean ravioli. Oh, okay. I guess you could go to work then.
Starting point is 01:26:23 I will. And I'm still wearing this outfit. Oh, you want me to get you an apron? Oh, no. I appreciate it, though. You just stay right there and don't think anything of it. Okay. I was prepared to, like, tie it around you and then get really close and be like,
Starting point is 01:26:39 Oh, what's that smell? Oh. I turned into a strong bad. Oh. But no, okay. I'll wait here. Go ahead. Go ahead and make the smell. Oh. I turned into a strong bad. Oh. But no, okay. I'll wait here. Go ahead. Go ahead and make the food. Since he's letting you do it, I don't think you have to roll. You can just make whatever. Okay. What do you
Starting point is 01:26:51 make for her? I make poison. Okay, you make ravioli and one of them is poison. And one of them is poison. Okay. And I have a bowl for me that's not poison. Okay, and you're going for lethal amounts of poison. I'm going for... Yes. Yes. Okay not poison. Okay, and you're going for lethal amounts of poison. I'm going for... Yes.
Starting point is 01:27:07 Okay. Then do whatever you want to. The scene is yours, Beth. I don't think it should be. Then Jane, you can come in and you see these two plates of ravioli. Wait, how much poison do you want in it, Beth? I put a couple cups of poison.
Starting point is 01:27:26 Alright, so a lethal amount. One of them in it, Beth? She said lethal. I put a couple cups of poison. All right, so lethal now. One of them is lethal, one of them is not. Oh, it smells so wonderful in here. Oh, Lizzie, look at that. It's beautiful. Oh, thank you. I did my best. Why don't you have this one?
Starting point is 01:27:41 Yes, I will. And Jane lifts both bowls and like whisks them back up the stairs like, come, come, you must see the dining room. Oh, I will. You head to the dining room. The dining room is beautiful. It's got a very long table
Starting point is 01:27:52 like the one Bruce Wayne's at in Batman when he's talking to Kim Basinger. Oh, be on this side, I yell. There's a cat labra. There's a bunch of
Starting point is 01:27:58 waitstaff waiting there just in case you need anything at all. And don't forget the parrots. And a big flock of parrots comes down from their little perches and they do a beautiful sweeping back and forth balletic dance.
Starting point is 01:28:09 Is that really a thing they have? What the fuck does it matter to you? All right, fair enough. Fucking question me. Okay. The parrots come down and do a big swooping dance. Also, no, obviously,
Starting point is 01:28:18 that has not been any brain ever done. You could have sold it. I 100% believe it. We did some parrot shows to acquire the attraction. Believe it hardcore. Okay, so yeah, you see that entertaining and wonderful tableau You could have sold it. I 100% believe it. Regents and paratroops were quite the attraction. Believe it hardcore. Okay, so yeah.
Starting point is 01:28:28 You see that entertaining and wonderful tableau and then... Wait a second. Beth, did you maintain line of sight on which ravioli was poisoned? I put one in a red bowl and one in a blue bowl.
Starting point is 01:28:37 Okay. Which was which? Oh, damn it. I'm just kidding. The red one is poison. One of the footmen Oh, damn it. The red one is poison. One of the footmen brings Elizabeth the Red Bull. No! What you see, you see, Jane.
Starting point is 01:28:58 Yes? I yell louder. I couldn't possibly have this bull. You must have this bull. Oh, but they're both wonderful bowls. Look, it's so good. And then Jane takes a big bite of the ravioli in her blue bowl. Oh, no. Don't you see? Red is my favorite color
Starting point is 01:29:13 and yes, you are a new friend that I tenderly worship and want to love. I give you the red bowl as a sign of my friendship and affection for you alright so Jane takes one more bite
Starting point is 01:29:30 finishes off the ravioli that's on her fork because it's fucking good, to be fair and gestures to the footman I'm so sorry, would you mind do I get points for cooking? yeah, go ahead well the reputation that you will get I think reputation is good cooking.
Starting point is 01:29:45 Hope that murderer doesn't bounce out so bad. Okay, so the footman comes by and goes, oh, yes, of course, Matt. I shall now switch the bowls that the Lady Jane may have the blue bowl. No, no, no, I need the red one now. You need the red one now. And she needs the blue one.
Starting point is 01:30:02 Even though I did just eat them. Actually, you know what? I'm so sorry. Wait one moment. And Jane takes the bowls back and she like scoots some into the other bowl so that they're even now because she ate some from hers and she doesn't want to be like rude to her guest. So she scoots some from the blue bowl into
Starting point is 01:30:16 the red bowl? No, from the red bowl. From the red bowl into the blue bowl. So here you go. And he puts the blue bowl down in front of Elizabeth and the red bowl down in front of Jane. Yes, well, have a bite. You know, the terrible thing is that I just did have two rather large bites from the first bowl
Starting point is 01:30:34 and I'm feeling quite terribly full. I don't usually eat food this heavy. It's so delicious, but I can't possibly have another. Oh, you know what? I'm sure Warrior would love to taste this. My ears are burning. Somebody say my name. Yes, I did.
Starting point is 01:30:51 I'm sorry. I find him ever so charming. Isn't he just? We called you. I was wondering if you could go fetch that apron. I just want to feel like a chef even after I prepare the meal. So just go take your time looking for it. Okay.
Starting point is 01:31:09 I mean, I'm wearing this one. Do you want mine? No. I want one that is kept far away. It is something that will take a while to fetch. Well, that's not going to – I mean, I live to serve. To me, that is a weaning. Could you live to serve
Starting point is 01:31:27 slower, I was wondering. Roll a d20. It's like a Hitchcock movie. Five. I'll be back in the two shakes of a go-kart I'll be jacking two blue sparks and he runs down and he
Starting point is 01:31:44 gets another apron and he puts it on you. Great. Let's celebrate. Time to dig in. Champagne. Yes. Perfect. Your butler brings you champagne.
Starting point is 01:31:53 It was champagne for the lady. It is from Champagne France, so it is not sparkling wine. Well, we certainly wouldn't call it champagne if it wasn't. Silly. Silly. Silly. Silly. Silly.
Starting point is 01:32:03 Silly. Oh, Jinx, you owe me a champagne Good news we have some Yay Oh we're such good friends I say that on three We count to three And then we each take a big mouthful of ravioli
Starting point is 01:32:20 Ready? One Two Three And Elizabeth takes a To be fair Ravioli. Ready? One, two, three. And Elizabeth takes, to be fair, a giant forkful of ravioli and shoves it in her mouth. You die. No. Your throat constricts.
Starting point is 01:32:36 The poison works its way through your blood. I did not swallow it. That's not how poison works. She's just holding it in her mouth. If she put it in the ravioli, she hasn't broken the skin of the ravioli. Okay, never mind. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:32:47 I hold it in my mouth and I wait for Jane to take a bite. What does Jane do? Jane's like, all right. And she like takes a little fork and raises it to take a bite and makes a little gesture with her head and her hand like a chala. And then one of the parrots swoops down and steals the ravioli. I just forgot that I am lactose intolerant. Spit out the ravioli.
Starting point is 01:33:16 Okay, so with your natural one coming in here, Jane knows everything you were trying to do and has known the entire time. And the parrot probably drops dead. Yeah, the parrot immediately drops dead. Oh, he must be lactose intolerant too. That's why they say you can't throw rice anymore. It's a shame, really. I didn't know those two things were related at all
Starting point is 01:33:36 or what rice throwing is about. But that's terrible. Terrible. Oh, no. Poor Pietro. Well, I best be going. Okay. So, I guess, Jane, it's up to you.
Starting point is 01:33:54 Would you tell people that someone tried to murder you? Certainly not. Okay. I like that. She does make sure she, like, rushes up to her before she leaves and like catches both of her hands and she's like, I do hope the events of this evening won't sully our friendship.
Starting point is 01:34:10 They won't at all. I can't wait to come back under better circumstances, if possible. Yes. All right. So no change for any character there. Nobody gets any more tags or anything like that. Actually, I guess you got good cooking.
Starting point is 01:34:30 You're good at cooking ravioli. Things are going well. Yeah, I guess. It's a meditation. Italian cooking with Wario. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It is once again a Rogan's turn to take a free time action.
Starting point is 01:34:41 Oh, God, yeah. That was a whole episode. That was intense. Okay, so Philomena goes to the Modiste and gets a new spectacular dress. Great. And spends a truly obscene amount of money on new pantaloons.
Starting point is 01:34:58 Okay, so you can give yourself a tag that you've got great pantaloons. God damn it, you're so good at this! And at the Modiste, because everybody goes to the Modiste, if you want to, you can roll with advantage to learn gossip about another character. Oh, wow. Yes, please explain the Modiste, Amanda.
Starting point is 01:35:15 The Modiste is where we all go to be fitted for our gowns that we might make the best impression of the tone when we go out to porn. You know Men's Warehouse? Oh, yeah, yeah. But Frenchie, because again, even though we're at war with them, obsessed with that good, good friendship.
Starting point is 01:35:30 You're going to like the way I gossip. Ooh, 18. Okay, so who did you want to learn gossip about? Philomena wants to know the circumstances of the death of that one husbandynthia nixon's husband cynthia nixon's husband so can you give us a vague bit of information about the death of cynthia nixon's husband uh in the war of 1812 cynthia nixon's husband was nowhere near any battles, but fell down a mine shaft and happened to, when they found him at the bottom, also had a fencing foil in his stomach, which was obviously down there. He fell onto it. He fell onto it.
Starting point is 01:36:18 It was a story. Yes. It smelled like ladies' perfume. Yes. Great. That is now leverage you can use when speaking with Cynthia Nixon in future that will give you advantage in roles against her and stuff. Anyone of the Mothman?
Starting point is 01:36:31 I'll do two quick ones. First, I want to, it's not on here, but can I go to the, I want to see if there's any American police officers that have shown up in the city. What? As one might to hunt down a fugitive black widow, so to speak. Yeah, I just want to know if any of those... You want to know if Tommy Lee Jones...
Starting point is 01:36:55 If anybody has shown up asking for... Yeah, Pinkerton. Yeah, Pinkerton. It would be Pinkerton. Okay. Sweet fucking God. Anybody investigating a death of a certain husband. Okay.
Starting point is 01:37:04 Pinkertons were in the 50s, but it's okay. There were Pinkertons in the Old West times, right? Ah, but Old West times was 1850s and stuff. Go ahead and give me a roll to see if you spot anybody potentially. I got a seven. Okay, so you don't see anybody. But someone sees you. Well, you don't know if somebody sees you.
Starting point is 01:37:21 Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Is it a handsome, eligible lawman? My point is i think i go to the police like for like some bullshit reason and i talk about how much i miss like americans like oh if only there's another american around you've seen any americans and they go what business are you okay and then he's like snooty british so no i don't find out you don't you don't find out they don't tell you the second thing i want to do is you do see a big wanted poster? But it's you wearing a cowboy hat because you're in the colonies.
Starting point is 01:37:49 So they're like, that can't be her. I want to go to the confessional with my future husband, Father... What's his name? Father Unworthy. Father Unworthy. He's out of the bathroom at this point. So I go in there and I am going to...
Starting point is 01:38:02 He goes, what sins have you committed, my dear? Don't tell me your name. I don't need to know. It's meant to be anonymous, but give me the juice. Well, howdy. I, of course, wouldn't tell you my name. Oh, howdy. Oh, oh, oh.
Starting point is 01:38:18 I do believe someone has dropped a little bit of information, and I, being wise beyond my years, have picked up on it. I've been having very... I won't tell you so lustful thoughts lustful thoughts and I slowly slip my unclothed foot under the confessional
Starting point is 01:38:36 so you can see those toes oh my god there's a wicker and you just see this big, I think it's a bird stripping, and wicking around socks. I thought they're kind of like those hot, like this, like a temporary. What, like a bathroom stall?
Starting point is 01:38:53 Yeah, because it's like a temporary setup, because this is just a parody, so it's very, like, it's very local theater version of a confessional. Okay, so what we're going to do is we're going to do two roles. One for him enjoying it because he's going to enjoy it. We've established that he likes your feet. So he has gained a certain amount of affection for you.
Starting point is 01:39:13 There's a part of my body I'm so proud of, but I can only share it if I'm married. But the... I rolled to see if there were people around and there are a lot of people around. In the confessional? In the line for the confession.
Starting point is 01:39:32 Okay. So you're going to be seen. I got a big dress though. Okay, but they saw you in line and then they saw feet coming out. No, no, no, no, because the confessional is two separate. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Starting point is 01:39:40 but they saw a person that looks like you go in. You didn't come in disguised, did you? He didn't show his feet to the room. It they saw a person that looks like you go in. You didn't come in disguised, did you? No, I'm saying how did they see you? He didn't show his feet to the room. It's like there's a door to the confessional. You're talking about the dividing wall. Like I slip and hit under. The partition. I thought you were doing like the curtains and you were like, bing.
Starting point is 01:39:56 Okay, I misunderstood. Just to him. I misunderstood. Okay, so yes. Stealthily, you show your feet to him and he goes. God. This is a house of worship. It's a marriage of necessity.
Starting point is 01:40:11 This is a house of worship, which is very appropriate because that is what I wish to do to the digits before me. Oh my God. I've been thinking about a name for a son. Quentin? How does that feel? So yes, you've successfully seduced a father unworthy, even further. Wow, congrats.
Starting point is 01:40:28 There we go. Even deeper in the paint for you. What a win. Rogans! Oh, Rogan time! Okay, Lady Alice is going to pay someone to do like an anonymous cartoon, political cartoon.
Starting point is 01:40:44 A ribald political cartoon. That makes it very clear she does not kiss dogs. Describe that cartoon. If you can describe that cartoon to my satisfaction, it will take. Okay. So it's a picture. It's an etching of the debutante ball with like all of the people standing around in the long red carpet and the queen on her dais holding her little dog in her arm and uh it shows
Starting point is 01:41:14 alice in like a perfect perfect beautiful deep curtsy with the little dog leaning forward being doing a little like dog licky face and al Alice's head is just like coyly turned away and the little like you know how they like write the opinion of shit like into the so on the feather that's on her head as part of her debutante outfit it says nay I shall lick thee none
Starting point is 01:41:36 fuck are you a fucking god damn it god damn it Amanda Amanda fuck completely undid your whole rumor shit God damn it! Amanda! Amanda! Completely undid your whole rumor shit. Everybody sees that and they go like, They share that shit so bad.
Starting point is 01:41:53 People are like erasing the thing on the feather and adding themselves. They're like, me! They're like, they're fucking, oh. Check yourself on the dog's tongue! It's so good that even people who hadn't heard the rumor was like, was there something weird about her kissing dogs? Like, yeah, but it's not true. Did you see it? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:42:05 It just works perfectly. Yeah. They have never been more sure that Alice Card does not kiss dogs. Oh, my God. Okay. I'm going to use mine. Daryl Hannah, the soldier. Okay.
Starting point is 01:42:16 I assume probably hangs out. So I'm going to don a disguise and go in, a little cross-dressing perhaps, to go in and play ribald songs on the piano at the Soldier's Tavern, like the one where all the cool soldiers hang out. The Gentleman's Club, the Officer's Club. Ooh, the club. One of my things, and I'm more than happy to share it,
Starting point is 01:42:35 is that I love ribald music. And so I wish to pen a saucy tune. So I know some of the greatest hits off the top of my head. She's my cherry pie. Cool drink of water. My sweet surprise. All the bangers. For example, I actually pulled up a banger.
Starting point is 01:42:56 Does it have banger in the title? You see a masked man in the background, and when you come in, he says, play Salieri. And it's Will. It's Will Campos. There's a song called A Lusty Young Smith that was very popular at the time. Love that.
Starting point is 01:43:12 Yeah. So I started singing and playing a lusty, a lusty young smith at his vice to the filling, his hammer laid by, but his forge still aglow. If you want to do what you just did, we'll roll normally for the amount of affection Daryl Hannah gains for you. Well, no, so I want to learn more about this guy,
Starting point is 01:43:32 actually, through this action. Oh, so you're not doing it to court him. You're spying on him. No, no, no, I'm spying on him, but I'm going into the officer's, you know, the soldier's club. This guy's just a man. This guy's just a man.
Starting point is 01:43:42 I'm playing ribald tunes on the piano. So roll a d20 with advantage because you are good at the harpsichord. 11 again, man. I'm cursed. It's fine. You needed a 10. It's fine. Okay.
Starting point is 01:43:55 So you hear Daryl Hannah playing whist with the boys. And he's pretty good at it. And he's talking about what Napoleon might do next. He's been reading a lot of interesting novels and stories he's uh is fucking what books were they reading around then the bible the bible yeah really just the bible it really depends if you were a man or a woman if you were a woman you were reading foresight services that were like don't be a hoe and if you're a guy you're reading whatever the fuck you wanted including okay jules verne and hd wells were writing there you go you hear that he's a big fan of The Time Machine and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
Starting point is 01:44:27 Taking notes, big nerd. Yeah, he's kind of a big nerd. He loves fighting. He loves getting into scraps. You see him actually cheating at Wist. What is Wist? He's a bit of a scamp. It's like cards.
Starting point is 01:44:37 It is literally cards. Yeah, okay. They're playing cards against humanity. I believe I win jerking off into a pool of baby tears. And they go, oh, Daryl Hanna, you always play that card. You always draw jerking off into baby tears. What can I say? I'm a jerking off into a pool of baby tears
Starting point is 01:44:55 kind of gentleman. The guy pulls a gun out and he looks at him and he puts down jerking off with a baby in his hand. He puts the card on the table and he's like, how are there two of these cards? You bastard! And that's how he stabbed to death in front of you. So yeah. His spring-loaded dead baby's card just gets out of his hand. So he has a handful of five jerking off with a baby.
Starting point is 01:45:15 Oh my god. Next time we gotta play What Do You Mean? Okay, so from spying on him, you can tell that approaches that will work with him are he likes fighting, geopolitics, schemes, honor, adventure novels and stories, and up-tempo music. Those are the things he finds most interesting in life. Okay, so I'm, by the way...
Starting point is 01:45:38 He's a young Fox News viewer. Over the course of obviously playing these ribald songs and observing the officers and the soldiers in this club, I'm getting progressively more and more drunk. So I feel like I should, you know, as a South, you know, I should feel like I should roll to see if my cover gets blown. Okay, go for it. Five.
Starting point is 01:45:54 Yeah, you are recognized. Somebody goes, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Hold on, hold on. That ribald song was a little bit too ribald for my liking. Soldier, what's your name? Name and rank and serial number. Soldier
Starting point is 01:46:10 Boy. Tell me. My serial numbers What are numbers? Oh, strat, I forgot to learn numbers. Whip-hand flashback all the way back to What are numbers? Oh, strats, I forgot to learn numbers. Whip-hand flashback all the way back to, what are numbers, mommy? Well, women don't need to learn numbers.
Starting point is 01:46:28 You don't ever need to learn those. Just find a man, he'll tell you all the numbers that matter. Oh, yes, mommy. They rip your wig off or whatever, your hat, that you're using to disguise yourself, and it becomes obvious, that's, but that's, that's Fanny Mothman. And Daryl Hannah, like, turns and goes, Fanny Mothman. And Daryl Hannah like turns and goes,
Starting point is 01:46:45 Fanny Mothman, you worth coming out? Oh, what are you doing here? I'm moonlighting here. I'm gonna try and like just run out. Okay, you can run out, but you're gonna take some MP loss. So go ahead and roll a d20. Definitely fucked that up.
Starting point is 01:46:57 But you learned something. Nine, so you lose nine MP. But you know he likes Jules Verne now. Yeah, great. And can I just do my second action right here? Go for it. I like to learn how to cheat at cards. Who can I go for that? Oh, I want to find
Starting point is 01:47:07 like a magic shop. Okay. Yeah, dude! Yeah, there's a magic shop. You're gonna be writing the witchcraft line pretty hard, though, depending on how good you are at this magic. So Howard Thurston has a magic shop. An illusionist shop that you find in London. Mr. Thurston,
Starting point is 01:47:23 I know you are one of the richest men in the world. However, would you take it upon yourself to maybe teach me how to cheat at cards? Why don't you roll a d20 and we'll find out. 16. You know what? There's something about you, madam. Ah, a boobs man, I see. You know what?
Starting point is 01:47:39 Two somethings about you. Come on in. I'll teach you a thing or two about hiding cards. Non-sexually, I'm very happily married. So now you have card tricks, I guess, as a tag for yourself. Nice. Nice. Amanda, you have one more person, right?
Starting point is 01:47:52 That would be Lady Jane. Lady Jane. The perfect one. The perfect one. The perfect one. The forgiving one who didn't tell everyone you tried to murder her. I don't think that's forgiveness. She's holding on to that.
Starting point is 01:48:03 I know. She did let that parrot take the bullet for her. Yeah, no, she's playing the ultimate game. That parrot had it coming. Pietro's not pulling his fucking weight in that act. Lady Jane takes a highly visible promenade with, of course, her ladies-made chaperone through Regent's Park.
Starting point is 01:48:23 You didn't even need to say that. I was about to say, did she bring her chaperone? And I regent's park you didn't even need to say that i was about to say did she bring her chaperone and i knew that would come up so i wanted and she is going to rescue a bird with a broken wing whether it had one when she found it or not is not important a little bird with a broken wing and make you know it, it's a, it's a very big, sweet moment. And she like takes off her modesty kerchief, which is a whole thing. She removes her fichu and like gently tucks it around the bird and carries it like in her bonnet. So her hair is like trailing in a way that should be technically improper,
Starting point is 01:48:58 but it's of course very sweet and beautiful. It brings back to her carriage and abandons her promenade early to go care for the poor wounded birdie. Great. So you get the additional tag. Everybody at this grass. We're all playing basketball and Amanda's seven feet tall.
Starting point is 01:49:09 We're all four feet and we don't know what a ball is. So yeah, you get a tag that is a big hearted, kind animals, whatever you like. That is a known thing about you. Did I lose MP for running out crying from the confessional, by the way?
Starting point is 01:49:24 You didn't make me roll for it. Well, no, because he didn't see you do it. Yeah, nobody saw you. Nobody that you're courting. People saw it. Also, you're so weak and small. I feel like a small tender woman running out confessional crying is pretty hard. You don't necessarily know what you're doing.
Starting point is 01:49:38 You didn't lose MP for it. You just got a reputation of being a blasphemer. Oh, some people might be into that. Oh, yes. I would like to spread a rumor about Philomena that she's getting better. Okay. You bitch!
Starting point is 01:49:55 So there's three ways that you can spread a rumor. You can do it anonymously, which means you have to make a D20 roll with disadvantage, but if it doesn't catch on, it doesn't come back to you. You can do it personally by going and telling somebody. So you make a normal D20 roll, but if you fail, then you get a shitster tag for yourself. Or you can do it personally with a bribe.
Starting point is 01:50:14 You can spend 100 pounds. You don't have to make a D20 roll. The rumor sticks, but if somebody happens to see the money exchange take place, it can come back on you. And you have 500 pounds amongst all of you. You can spend that 100. You want to spend a hundo?
Starting point is 01:50:26 I want to spend a hundo. Even if we're down 300 if what Amanda said is true. I love my sister so much. Let's just spend that hundo. So you spend 100 pounds. Who are you going to give this letter to? I give the letter
Starting point is 01:50:43 to a disreputable doctor. Give it to Wario. Wario loves money more than anything. I ask him to give it to his brother, Dr. Mario. Technically, he does have a doctorate in our home country. And he'll be happy that she's getting better. Yeah. Because he cares about the family.
Starting point is 01:51:03 Yeah. I would do this for free, but thank you. I love money. Yeah, thank you for this. I'm a warrior. I'm going to spread this rumor. And so everyone. Warrior, so you're too kind.
Starting point is 01:51:15 Oh, I am. My heart is too big. Everyone in the taunt now believes that Philomena is getting better. Making a miraculous recovery. Yes. Miraculous recovery. I also send a congratulations on getting better card to Philomena. I've actually got that before she heard the rumor.
Starting point is 01:51:32 She's like, what? Bring me the paper. Okay, so Amanda, go ahead and write that negative tag for Philomena that people think she's getting better. Oh, God. And now, Beth, your final. I am also going to spend 100 pounds to spread a rumor.
Starting point is 01:51:48 Philomena absolutely 100% sent a bill to that house to replace her wardrobe. No, we're not paying you. That's fine. I just want to know that there's not a $300 outstanding debt. Cynthia found it and she's holding on to it and none of the other sisters have seen it. Perfect, beautiful.
Starting point is 01:52:02 Great, okay, cool. Cynthia goes, we're a net 90. I'm also going to spend a hundred pounds for a rumor. What is the rumor and who are you going to give the money to? Is there a common person that's like seen as trustworthy that the whole town would believe if somebody The king.
Starting point is 01:52:18 Definitely not the king who is in fact legally insane and has not been seen in public for five years. So anybody but the king. The father. Clergyman? Clergyman or of course an actual gossip pamphlet
Starting point is 01:52:29 of the Whistledown variety. Everybody read them and everybody believed them. Oh, everybody read them and everybody believed them. Okay, then yeah, maybe. That part of the show is 100% true.
Starting point is 01:52:36 And because I'm paying, they believe it. Oh yeah, it's like, you know what it is? It's you're buying a page in the ad and then the very bottom it says,
Starting point is 01:52:41 this is page slander. This is page slander, but it's like, it makes it look like native advertising paid slander but it's like it makes it look like it's very small and native yeah it's native advertising inside of it so it looks like it's part of a very clickbaity thing on the top okay so cool so yeah you find doctors you find like an artful dodger kid who's like yeah i work for ladies whisper shits you got some you got some hot goss to spread, do you? I do
Starting point is 01:53:06 Alright, hand it over Jane tried to poison us She killed a bird sons and sons ability is amanda shuckman and anthony birch is our dms matt arnold as cynthia nixon will campos as eunice mothman beth may as elizabeth mothman and myself freddie wong as fanny mothman brian fernandez is our content producer asha nicolette is our community manager esther ellis is our lead editor travis reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This is part one of a three-part series. If you want to hear the rest, you have two choices
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Starting point is 01:54:05 You get access to all of our bonus miniseries, all of our bonus aftershows, just hours of great quality entertainment for the whole family to enjoy. Not the whole family to enjoy, to be clear. Not everyone in the family is going to like this. Patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. We hope you've enjoyed. Thank you all for supporting and listening to us this year. Happy holidays.
Starting point is 01:54:22 Happy New Year. And we will see all of you. Well, probably not all of you. Statistically, some of you may die, but the ones who survive will see you in 2023. Also, one of the things you can do during downtime is if you want to do research on what everybody
Starting point is 01:54:40 is like scores are and stuff. So I want to do research and learn literally anything about the scores of our like suitors. Yeah. Oh, okay. You want to do research and learn literally anything about the research. The scores of our like suitors. Yeah, so basically the way that it's working is I have a secret document
Starting point is 01:54:51 that every suitor has a certain score for every one of you that they've interacted with. Oh, God. And whoever has the highest is going to be the person that they want to marry.
Starting point is 01:55:00 And their affection is modified not just by how you behave, but by what kind of things that they like and that'll modify the score on my end how do we gain np there will be a lot of things you can do during uh the free time potion your mp questions when in terms of the secret being revealed is that too like we could reveal it to our sisters right yeah if you just reveal it to your sisters or people that you trust it doesn't count as it being like society is when you start yes it's about the greater society knowing about it like in the bridgerton the fucking the pamphlet that everybody
Starting point is 01:55:28 gets like it's that kind of thing of like everybody knows that you have this secret they also post the bachelor scores in the pamphlet they track that every week okay silver runs the uh

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