Dungeons and Daddies - Do or Dice Live Tour - Live in Portland 8/22/23

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

This was the second stop on the Dungeons and Daddies 2023 Do or Dice west coast tour, at the Aladdin Theater in Portland, OR. Join the Season 1 dads onstage as they attempt to diffuse a hostage situation.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual ContentFor more live shows (and tons of bonus audio and video!), support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Darryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "Alright" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, Freddy here. You're about to hear the Portland live show from our Door Dice 2023 live tour. Heads up, there are very light season one spoilers in there too, in case you haven't finished season one. We'll be getting back to season two shortly. This past month we had some unanticipated health issues amongst the cast. Everyone's feeling better though, so forgive us as we get back into the swing of things. Speaking of live shows, we're in the planning stages of a Midwest slash East Coast live tour as we speak this year. So stay tuned for that. Those updates will be on our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com, but you'll hear about it first on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. And finally, if you were affected by the merch snafu around Black Friday last year, keep an eye out on your inbox.

We're going to have an update for you there very soon. So sit back and enjoy the chaos of the Portland live show. This one, I think, was the rowdiest one because of the venue. It made everyone so loud. Enjoy. Dungeons and daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups.

And this is a live show. So who knows what's going to happen? Let's hear it for Les! Let me hear you out there! Come on! Yeah, baby! I want you all to welcome back to the stage, MC Henry Oak, Will Campos, everybody! The dad with the most dad love, the dad loves, give it up for Matt Arnold! The dad with the most dad love, the dad loves, give it up for Matt Arnold! Let's be honest, if you've probably been here for years, this is gonna be live, give it up for Matt Arnold! And last but not least, he's the best in the business, folks, Anthony Borgatti from this evening. Anthony! Anthony!

Anthony! Anthony! This crowd is horny. Oh, no. This crowd is horny I smell pervert Welcome to dungeons and daddy's life In case you don't know this is a show about four deaths Four deaths?

Oh you're just four of us Four dads. Oh, you were just waving. There's four of us. Four dads. Waving to the people up top. Hi, everybody. Hi, everyone up top. Hey, balcony. Hey, hey.

This is a show about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. We'll do it in season one. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. Woo!

I guess I got a dad fact. Glenn's dad fact today. Glenn has been in one, well, he's been in a bunch, but in Oregon, one fist fight. The fist fight was, so Glenn rides the tour van. As you may know from season one, he does a biodiesel tour van. He had to fight off the gas station attendant because if he put anything other

than vegetable oil in there, it was not going to work. And he spent 20 minutes outside of a Chinese restaurant being like, where's the guy who's going to bring my oil into my... I thought they bumped it for you here in Oregon. What the hell? Cultural specificity. That's what I specialize in.

Well, you know that. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson. Woo! Got to hydrate. Little fact, similar to, I guess, Freddie, you got me on this one.

I was going to say, Daryl's favorite place, they do a lot of road trips in the Wilson family, and his favorite place to drive is Oregon because there's nothing, there's nothing Daryl loves more than talking to an expert. So every time he stops at a gas station, he gets to talk to the experts that are filling up the gasoline.

Every gas station stop takes an extra 20 minutes as he just enjoys learning from those fine folks. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak. Thank you. My goodness. Henry's a Birkenstock, rockin'

hippie, munchie, crunchy natured druid dad. And sometimes the hottest MC this side of the Mississippi, baby! Oh boy. Sorry, let me caveat that. The hottest edutainment MC. Yes. So, I'm sorry to say this, Portland,

but Henry may be a vegan, but he's got beef. Oh, Portland. Specifically, the Portland Museum of Arboreal History. And those arboreal experts who are always talking about redwoods and lording it over the geologists. Like, look at our beautiful forest. He's like, rocks are a fucking, like, rocks outdate trees by so long? All you guys got up here is trees? What are those trees planted on top of rocks?

There's a Henry's Cooking Up in Arboreal Diss track called Trees All Bark No Bite. Damn. Yes. Yo. That's good. I like that. Hi, I'm Beth May

and I play Row Ron Sandberg. Oh my goodness. Oh, my goodness. I didn't get the organ-specific dad fact memo, but fun fact about Ron tonight, really wholesome fact, I think, actually. So Ron's wife, Samantha, used to tell Ron, hey, just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you're broken.

And I know, it's really sweet. But she had to stop telling him that ever since he kept driving with the Czech oil light on. And he would be like, well, just because it's not perfect doesn't mean I can't drive it another 50 miles. Love it. My name's Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, Dad. My dad fact for today is that yesterday we were in Seattle, Washington.

Seattle fans over here. But today, we're here in the best city in the entire Pacific Northwest, Portland, Oregon. Unless you're from Seattle, in which case, that's the best city.

Yeah. But for everybody else, fuck Seattle, Portland's where it's at. So tonight, we're going to have some fun. We'll share some laughs, have a good time. We are going to play a little bit of what we would consider, but not many others would consider Dungeons & Dragons.

And we're not just going to play some pre-baked boring thing that we came up with. We know exactly what we're gonna do in Portland. We plan things ahead. I'm Matt Mercer. Damn! Don't start beef that we can't win. Yeah, yeah, dude. Our DM is writing checks that we don't get to...

We can't cash those, dude. Our DM is writing checks that we don't get to, we can't cash those, bro. What we have before us are six different modules that I have prepared. And what I have here is a big inflatable dice. So the way that this is going to work is shortly I'm going to ask each of our daddies to talk about what module they have in front of them. Then I'm going to toss the dice onto this side of the auditorium. If you would... The whole side, not just you. Not just for you. It's everybody.

You have to pass the dice along. You are single-handedly keeping Portland weird. So what I'm going to ask is that this area of the auditorium, you pass it all the way back, and you pass it all the way back there to this area of the auditorium, you pass it all the way back, and you pass it all the way back there to this area of the auditorium, and you pass it all the way to the front,

and you pass it all the way there, all the way to the back, and then right back up here onto the stage. And whatever it lands on, that's the module we do tonight. So they don't know, I don't know what we're doing tonight, and that will be very obvious once we start. So, Beth, if we roll a one, what are we gonna play? We're gonna play, let me cradle it, we're gonna play Daddy Babies. Don't like that.

Little scared of that one. What if we roll a two, Freddie? A two, we play My Daddy, My Daddy and Me. I hate that. Anthony, what are you doing? If we roll a three, we're gonna play something called Dread. Oooh. I like that.

If we roll a four, we're gonna play something called Blood in the Water. Oooh. What if we play a five? Oh, it's beefy right here. UFC. Yeah! What if we roll a six? Number six will be playing the worst one-shot possible.

What could it be? All right, without further ado, please don't pop this. Please be cool. Don't pop it. We have one. We got one. And then otherwise we're going to have to toss a normal D6 into the crowd next minute.

Not as fun. Don't hurt each other. No, back, back, back. Throw it back, throw it back! Apologies, Balcony, this was so fun, what they're doing, and I'm sorry you can't be a part of it. Oh! One more bounce, one more bounce!

Wait, don't touch it, don't touch it, don't touch it, don't touch it, don't touch it! Oh my goodness! Pew! My daddy, my daddy, and me! Oh my god, no! No! Guys, all ticket sales for tonight do go to the McElroy's.

So, we find ourselves in season one. You don't have your kids yet, but you do have your blood painted and vetted. What the hell? you do have your blood painted and vetted. What the fuck? Yeah! And you get a call. You get a call on a leaf. Who would like to answer the call?

Oh, I love leaves. I'll take that. I'll answer the call. Huh? I'll answer the call. Oh, Ron, do you want to take the call, Ron? Hey, Henry, you're my assistant, so could you get that for me and then tell them I'm not,

I'm not in? Ron's Leaf, this is Henry. Hey, Henry, this is Hardball Cough Drop. Oh! Oh, you're on a leaf! I thought, I thought, I could've sworn this would be Aaron O'Neil. But you can't really see who's calling on these things. Is Aaron okay?

Aaron's fine. I just know that this is what you guys answer, so I decided to call you. I am in a slight hostage situation. Oh no! You need a team to extract you? I would love it. I would love it if you could maybe come and extract me

just a little bit. Taylor, I got a real important lunch. I'll see if I have Ron. Hold on one second. It's Harper. She said I asked the situation. You want to take the call? Okay, babe.

Let's see. I got a real important lunch. It's a lean cuisine. There's a real important person here that I'm having lunch with. It's myself. Okay, yeah, we'll be right there, Hardball. Where are you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, go ahead and take the call. Henry, establish if Hardball is in duress. Use duress codes. She, I think she's in duress. She's in a hostage situation. Holy shit. It's getting worse.

Are you in duress? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said. I'm sorry. Where are you? I was like, why? I could have called so many other people. Interest. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said. I'm sorry. Where are you? I could have called so many other people. I could have called the critical role crew.

No, no, no, no. No, I need people who are... Never mind, never mind. Available. Let's start with that. You can't cut that. It's live. Never mind. Till hardball, I'll push my lunch.

Call that a dinner. and I'll help out. Ron says he can meet you for drinks. Is that... We're coming. I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm not going to indulge you with this anymore. We're at my BDSM dungeon. Just find me there.

Oh. Wait, you're in hostage... Wait. You're hostage in your own dungeon? Yeah, in your own dungeon? Yeah, a guy came in with a scroll of disintegration, and he's holding me and all of my clients hostage. Hardball, can I ask you a real question?

Hey, this is Daryl. Yeah, hey, Daryl, what's up? This might be a silly question, but I was like... Mr. Prostate, what's up? Oh, okay, well... What? Mr. Prostate, that was when you came to my place. You used a prostate massage, right?

I remember vividly. Do you... I just... Is this... I don't want to... We got a lot going on. I don't want to waste our time. Is this really a hostage situation, or is this a hostage...

Like, are you enjoying this call right now? I'm not judging. I just want to know. We just got... We are busy, like Ron said. We will show up either way. We will figure this out. Firstly, I'm in real danger. Secondly, it's always a pleasure when I hear your voice. Okay, well.

I appreciate that. Okay, well, you're right. I guess either way. That's up to you. I roll sense motive to deduce whether this is... Yes, roll insight. Sense motive is once again not a thing. It was in 3.5. There was a thing. It was in 3.5.

There was a thing called Sense motive in 3.5. 3.5 fans in the house. A couple of them. What did you roll? You said that. Who booed 3.5? The Lord's system.

Watch, you know I'm going to make you play fourth. I rolled a seven. You rolled a seven, so you have no idea whether she saw me or not. Oh, I rolled a, um, I rolled something good though. I rolled a 16 plus, uh, 10. So that's a six. Henry's very perceptive. A 26, you can tell two things. One, that she is in danger. Two, she is aroused. All right. Looks like we're gonna have to S-W-A-T This B-D-S-M-A-S-A-P

W-A-T Ron, just, you can Ron? Ron? Yeah? Hey, I'm on a very important lunch Ron, do you know what he spelled out? Uh, V-I-P

Oh, okay Alright, hang tight We'll be right there And I hang up the leaf Alright Hey, Peyton, buddy. Yeah, what's up, baby? So remember that place we went to a while ago?

I do. Okay, well, I feel like you've matured a lot since then. I made it this many now. Just never mind. Okay, just stay close to us. Okay. Do not go into any room

without us. Not a problem, not a problem, man. All right, bud. My main man. And hey, if there's anything there you don't understand,

you feel free to ask me as well. I'm sorry, I can't get over it. Can you imagine going to a bar and being like, I'm this many, so I can't get over it. Can you imagine going to a bar and being like, I'm this many, so I can... I'm a thief. And a half.

I wouldn't be half the father I was if I didn't learn from my sons. All right. Yeah, that's right. So, you head to Hardball Cough Drops BDSM Dungeon, and you can see that in the lobby where you would normally see just a bunch of people sitting around waiting for their turn to go into one of the many different palaces of delights that lay

within. Is this like a waiting room? Yeah, it's a waiting room. Got like a highlight. And whose cake is that? It's an anticy waiting room. There's a unicorn as a receptionist. It's still Koufis and Gallant though, you know what I'm saying? It's exactly goofus and gallant, though. It's exactly the highlights that we have on Earth.

I come up next to a guy with a ball gag in his mouth. I'm like, so what are you in for? Sorry, I'm going to cum. I push Peyton behind me. What? He's already here. What do you mean? How is he going to cum? He's here already. You're right. You're right, Peyton behind me. What? He's already here. What do you mean? How does he come? He's here already. Oh, you're right. You're right, Peyton. You're right. You're right.

But instead of seeing all that, you see a very haggard-looking person who is, in their own way, deeply attractive, but in other ways, a little bit unhinged. And their name is... Say stop. Stop! You. You have your hand up. Rachel!

And she's wearing a big name tag that says, what are your pronouns? She, they. They are wearing a big name tag that says, Rachel. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And in their other hand, they are holding a scroll of disintegration.

Oh! Disintegration, if you remember being the spell that killed Doug the Intern. It's very, very brutal. Fifth edition. Calm down. It's just an intern. He's an intern. A dime a dozen.

Guys, don't kink shame. And you see before Rachel, you see hardball, cough drop, bound and gagged. Well, not gagged, but bound. She needs to talk, so she's bound, but not gagged. And then nine other nameless. Actually, what's your name? You. I'm pointing at you.

No, yes, you. The rest of them are all named Greg. Okay. Greg. You, I'm pointing at you No, yes, you What? The rest of them are all named Greg Okay Greg The Gregs There's a Greg convention And they're like It'll be a great outing afterwards

They had a very specific kink That involves all the meeting up in one space Okay The Greg-off The great Greg-ish Greg-off And Rachel... Oh, well. A lot of soggy bottoms at the Greg-off.

Nice. And Rachel goes, you keep your distance. Oh? One false move, and all these people get disintegrated. I'm going to line them up in a row, and I'm going to disintegrate them all at once.

Ma'am, we're just here to get our rocks off. So, you didn't need to cause any problem. We're here to help if there's... What's going on? Roll deception for getting your rocks off. That's a 12. That should come naturally to you as a Catholic, though, right?

What? No, that's a 12 minus That should come naturally to you as a Catholic, though, right? What? No, that's a 12 minus one because he's Catholic. That's an 11. So Rachel sits there and goes, no, that's a Catholic if I've ever seen it. Whatever you want is so deep down and repressed, there's no way you would come to a place like this to have it done. What are you really doing here?

I step forward and say, Hail and well met, friend. I am Henry Oak, friend of the trees. Well, most trees, not some trees in Portland. But you don't need to know about that. I'm here with my friends, and it seems there's a duressful, stressful situation going on, and we're just, we're here to help.

We're here to negotiate. We're the hostage negotiators. We're here to mediate. We're here to, we're just here to, well, what do you need? And I will remind you that we're not experts and our advice should never be followed. Speak for yourself, Henry.

Rachel does incidentally say, I do need some advice. Okay. That's what we're here for. We love giving advice to women. And everybody else. Daryl pulls a chair and turns it backwards. Yeah, do it, do it.

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness gracious. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, you got four of the best dads in the entire kingdom. Speak for yourself. We're here to negotiate. What are your demands?

We got three of the best dads and our friend hostage negotiator here. Glenn's also trying to be like kind of casual to establish rapport. Oh, okay. So Glenn, why don't you roll persuasion? Rapport? Persuasion. Persuasion. Persuasion.

What room did this person walk into? The wrong room. Persuasion. Persuasion. What room did this person walk into? The wrong room. Persuasion, I'm looking at. So real quick, I de-leveled for the live shows. Persuasion's looking at plus 14. That's room one! Oh! Oh, no!

One of the Gregs is vaporized! No! Careful, guys. They mean business. Oftentimes, they'll kill a hostage to establish... Just be a dad for a sec. They didn't say they needed any dad advice.

What can we help you with? Because my demands are as follows. All right. So I have this friend. Oh, okay. Okay. All right, someone take notes. So I have this friend. Oh, okay.

And I have feelings for them. What's that like, Anthony? Whoa! Wait, wait, wait. I need to clarify. That doesn't have friends. I have friends. Well, yeah, no, I was saying that about Anthony having friends, not having feelings. Oh, okay, okay.

I don't know about either of those things, so. Really quick, do you mind? I know this is fun, but this chair is really wide. The chair is really what? It's really wide. You live with your choices, Matt. Daryl is still in that position. Boo!

Just so it's clear. I've got this friend, and I've got feelings for them. Hey man, really quick, Darryl here. Do you mind if I, this chair is really wide. Do you mind if I? I'm paying attention, I just want you to know. Yes, you can do it. Okay, okay, I'm listening.

I've got this friend, I've got feelings for them. We hooked up once. Oh, what does that mean? I copied them feelings for them. We hooked up once. I copied them. What does that mean? Have you ever been fishing? Yeah. Oh, okay, you went fishing. Yeah, we went fishing and then he railed me. Hey, Peyton, you said if I didn't know anything,

you could tell me. I think what she's saying is, I think they built a train set together. All right, so a best friend. The hardball goes, that's not what a train is. I get it.

Best friends. They're best friends, I think. Yeah, okay. I got feelings for them. They don't have feelings for me. I'm very sensitive to rejection, and they just broke my heart, and I just need somebody to make don't have feelings for me I'm very sensitive to rejection And they just broke my heart And I just need somebody to make them fall in love with me

And this is a place of love and sex and all that kind of stuff So I thought that maybe you could make them fall in love with me So just do that And I won't have to disintegrate another gray Rachel, it sounds like maybe the problem Is that you're not in love with yourself Roll persuasion with disadvantage The problem is that you're not in love with yourself. Ooh. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Ma'am, ma'am. Suck, Semper Gregoranus. Ma'am, no, no, please, please, take a moment.

Just, what's your friend's name, and maybe we can help. My friend's name is... You just raised your hand, you in the front. Uh, David? My friend's name is Syminthia. What a twist. Syminthia, David. His first name's David. My friend's name is David.

Okay, well, thanks. That's a weird way to introduce them. Do you mind if we do a quick dab? We work best together. As a team. We're going to do a quick dab. Yeah, you can have a dab, whatever that is. Yes, go ahead. He comes up to me and he's like,

ooh, what am I about to see? Daryl, what do you think was the play? I hate to be the one to say this, but we should just kill them. Daryl, Daryl. I'm just saying they just killed three people in front of us and they want the person to love them?

That's psychotic. Yeah, I'm a little worried about David Cementia. I know they play trains together, but that's not enough. That doesn't mean you love somebody. but like that's not enough. That doesn't mean you love somebody. Daryl, this is a person in emotional distress, man.

Oh, so we should lie to them. First and then when their guard is down, the killing stroke. Exactly, we're on the same page. I feel like maybe David Cementhia could maybe be, you know, like someone who could help talk them out of this. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? It could blow up, though.

That could go real wrong. Well, I think we should establish connection with David Sementhia. Oh, that's right. We become the person that they fall in love with. I'm, well, I don't follow. Is your plan, once once again to switch clothes

with somebody and convince them that you are that person? Petey, I told you, you wreck my game every time, man. Can we... So, Rachel. Yes.

Hi. First of all, can we get you anything? I know in the movies they always send in pizza. Sometimes a little robot brings the pizza in. I'll take a pizza robot, sure. Actually, now I really want a pizza robot. If you can't bring a pizza robot, two more Greggs are going to die. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Aaron! Aaron! Aaron! Okay, okay. First of all, first of all, first of all, first of all, it's fine. It's fine.

I cast Polymorph on Ron! You cast what? Sorry. I cast Polymorph on Ron! You cast what, sorry? I cast Polymorph on Ron. Okay. And I turn Ron. And what do I turn into? You turn into a little mouse. Why a mouse?

Just let me cook, let me cook! I know what I'm doing! Where are you going? I quickly, I cast about for a box. You can roll an investigation. Okay, that's an 11 plus investigation. Roll an investigation. Okay, that's an 11 plus investigation. What's investigation?

Plus a 0, an 11. What about your perception? Perception's 10. It's really high. Do I perceive a box? You perceive a box. I'm going to put a box over Ron. This is all not in front of Rachel. I put a box over Ron.

Roll stealth. Three! Oh no! This is all not in front of Rachel. I put a box on her. Roll stealth. Three. Oh, no. This is always fun. I told you you can't put Ron in a box. Just let me cook. Let me cook. This is going to work.

I'm doing something. You can try, but she's going to watch you do it. Okay, all right. So I put a box on Ron, and I'm going to find, I want to find a tube. I'm trying, I find a wand, is there a wand? Yeah, there's a, oh, there's a wand. I find a wand and I stick in the front to give it kind of like a nozzle, right?

So it looks more robot-y. Yes, the box is vibrating. And then I scratch onto the side, cheese or petrol? Yes! Got him! Anthony, Anthony. Hey, buddy, you got to go back on stage.

That's pretty low blow for him. That's real low, man. I know this is hard, buddy, but you gotta be strong, and you gotta go back on stage. I'm not sorry for what I've done. I can't do this again. I believe in you, and you got this.

No, don't cry, don't cry. It's gonna be okay. All right, let's just go on. Okay. Oh, my God, that guy is so fucked. Oh, I gotta go. Oh, the mic was hot the whole time. Okay. So, I tell Ron to go find a pizza by detecting cheese.

Okay, because you were mouse, I would say you get advantage on that. So why don't you roll perception with advantage, Ronald? Okay. Dice, let's see. One of them's got to have 20 sides on it. That is a, and I'm rolling perception? You're rolling perception with advantage, so you get to roll twice and take the better advantage.

Oh, my God, I get to roll twice. Oh, that reminds me. I forgot. Oh, that's right. We have a special rule. Tonight, we have a special rule. We have a special rule every night, but tonight it's even more special

because it's about you. If at any point somebody makes a roll that you don't like, somebody said, Boo, go fuck yourself. Oh. If at any point you would like somebody to roll again with advantage, then this is what you're going to do as a group. As a hive mind, you are going to go

inspiration. Inspiration. Inspiration. You fucked up on those reflexes, my dude. Do you want to know what I rolled? I would love to. Um, um, Freddy, can I hit the thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Okay, thank you. Thank you. Alright, alright, I'm ready. I got a, uh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, You find in one of the rooms that is marked pizza fetish. Ah, yes. Daryl's already in there. Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, my friends. Yeah. You find four turtles dead of pleasure. And you find the most delectable, delicious

pizza. The fucking all dogs go to heaven pizza with the cheese. The most incredible pizza you have ever seen in your life. What would you like to do now? So, okay, so out of character, we've got Rachel, who is doing

what? Rachel is killing Greg's left and right. Killing Greg's. There are seven Greg's remaining and a hardball cough drop. There are six Greg's remaining and a hardball cough drop. And she is holding them hostage. They are holding them hostage until they can get their ex, their friend, David Cementhia, to fall in love with them.

And they want a pizza. And they want a pizza. And right now they want a robot delivering them pizza. Because of us. Standard hostage negotiation stuff, Ron. This is 101. And I'm a mouse? You're a mouse in a box?

And you've got a pizza on top of you. That's your motivation. Ron, you've just got to bring them the pizza and just say beep, beep, beep. Boop. So, I'm gonna bring them the pizza and go beep, beep.

Should I roll for that? Yes, you are gonna roll deception with advantage because the pizza itself is so enticing. That's a 13. And did you say disadvantage? No, advantage. Oh! That's a 12. So that's less than 13.

What is your deception modifier? Plus 3. It's alright with a 16. Rachel takes it, sniffs it a little bit, eats it, and a little bit of bliss begins to cross her face. And the secret HP of I'm tracking to determine whether or not she is sort of on your side

and is willing to give up the hostages has diminished a little bit. So you've made some progress. Cool. Eat more. All right, world. We're doing good. We're doing... How's that pizza treating you?

It's okay. I'm lactose intolerant, so I can have the one piece. I'm going to pay for it later. But it's good. It's vegan. Squeak, squeak, squeak. Look, I'm vegan. There's no such thing as a natural 20 vegan vegan. All right, all right.

Well, we're real happy that you're happy about the pizza. We'd like to... You know, if we're going to help you with David Cementhia, we need to, like, you know, maybe hit them up a little bit. Do you know what their leaf is? Yeah, let me give you their deeds. And she takes out a leaf and tosses at you, and it is a direct connection to David Cementhia. Okay, all right, I'm going in, boys.

Oh, okay. You up? You up? All right, I'm going in, boys. Oh, okay. You up? I say, hey, is this David? Yeah.

Hey, David. You reached David Cementhia. Hey, David. Hey, David. We were, so we're, you know Rachel, right? Oh, no. Oh, David, we have a bit of a situation here. We got six Dougs, and we got... They're Gregs.

Gregs. Greg Scott. It's okay, Glenn. It's not our fault. I know it haunts you. It haunts me. We got six Gregs here. Their lives are in your hands, and you gotta help us.

What can you tell us about Rachel? I can tell you that I railed them. Yeah. You played trains, yeah? We went fishing. We built a train and I railed them on the train. So you put a train in it.

Okay, cool. And I just kind of think of them as a friend more than a long-term partner. It's not something I'm particularly interested in pursuing. Okay, that's fair. That's very fair. What are you looking for in a long-term

partner? Somebody who's good with, like, business. Oh, no. Oh, no. This is good. this is good. Are you into married men? No. Ron would never.

Ron, stay strong, bud. I'm kind of into married men, yeah. Frankly, I'm inclined to hang up on you and not help, but the thought of being next to a married man with a business degree fills me up with all kinds of untoward feelings. Just pretend, Ron, it's okay.

Just pretend what? Pretend what? Ron, speaker leaf. Come's okay. Just pretend what? Pretend what? Hey. Ron's speaker leaf. Come on. What are you doing? Well, you're lucky because you got four married men. Hey, no way, man.

I'm free. We got three married men and our best friend. Who also plays trains. And really, what is a wife or a spouse but a best friend? Yeah. Okay, so are we... So are we gonna... Am I gonna be able to hit on you or not?

Are you gonna seduce me? Oh, yeah, you can. David, can I give... We can close. You sound like a straight shooter. Straight I am not! Well, look. Do you think... I got two options! Well, look. Do you think...

I got two options for you, bud. Just two? Well, we'll start with two and then see how it goes. All right! You can either tell us something about Rachel that would make us all feel morally okay with killing them. What? Like, is she a... Like, is she a murderer?

Like, are they a murderer or something? Because Bianca's... Or, do you think you could pretend to love them just long enough for us to save eight hostages? Six hostages. Six hostages. We already lose. Seven, don't forget about Hargrove.

Hargrove's killing Hargrove. Yeah, yeah, yeah, seven total. Why don't you roll persuasion? Anybody want to help me? I think this would be the time to maybe help. Inspiration! Roll again. Inspiration!

I'm going to... I'm also going to cast guidance on Daryl, which gives him like a plus something. I think that means you have to, I think that, Will, I do think that means you need to hold his hand as he rolls that dice. No, no, no, the dice hand! Daryl, take the wheel. Mmm. Well, uh.

What's your bonus? You only got it once. What is it, Matt? What skill check was this? This is persuasion. What do you give me plus? I think like two. One down to 1d4.

Roll 1d4. Will a ten do it? The only way I feel comfortable Coming down there and dealing With Rachel Is if I get to go on a date With that businessman Oh okay good

Oh absolutely You got it Hey hostage negotiation is really easy Just say what they want and give it to them Oh I can Yeah I and give it to them. Oh, I can... Yeah, I can give it to them. Yeah. Okay, so he goes,

I'll meet you at a place that you're choosing for our date. Where are you going to take me on the date? That's what you have to role play now. Okay. Have you ever been to a local establishment called Applebee's? Applebee's. And then, Austin, would you mind going on hold for a moment while I call my wife? No problem.

I'm just going to treasure that thought. Go ahead. I'd love to be the bull. Beep, boop, beep, beep, beep, boop, beep. Robot impression. Beth, I'm sorry. Ron, why are you making beep, beep, boop noises in your head? Sorry.

I'm holding your phone. I have a manual phone. So I have to make all the noises that a phone would make. All right. I'm calling my wife. Ronnie! Hey, Samantha. Hey, baby.

Okay, so I have a proposition for you. A gentleman's agreement. A gentleman's agreement, if you will, even though you are not a gentleman. I'm not a gentleman, hon. But if you were, that would be great. Ronnie? Is there something I need to know?

If you knew that lives were at stake, would you let me go on a date with someone named Rachel? I know it's a relatively common name. David, David, David. Rachel's the hostage taker, David. Sorry, David, David, David. Rachel's the hostage taker. David's... Sorry, sorry, sorry. Rachel, too common a name, really.

Dude! But an even more common name would be desirable. Something like Dave or David. So, yeah, if I went on a date with somebody named David, but to save lives, wouldn't that be cool?

Why don't you roll persuasion? I hate to think that my relationship with my wife depends on a roll. Yeah, especially since that's a five, yeah. Plus three, plus three, plus three. You wasted it.

You wasted it. Sorry. I don't think it was wasted. I think it was a good idea, everybody. Like, you know, don't beat yourself up. And look, it got us into this hilarious situation, ultimately. It's a good thing you failed. Okay, let me pivot here.

Well, I just don't... If it had been somebody named Rachel, I think I would have been... That's true. That's true. It's okay. I got a plan B. I got a plan B.

Okay, so apparently there's a plan B, but not for you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey. Honey. No, you're my... You gotta ask me for permission before you get into the plan B scenario. No, yeah, you're my only plan.

My North Star. My dreidel that spins on every good roll and gets all the gold candy. Yeah, yeah. You are my everything. So of course there's no plan B. But I'm gonna confer with my dad. I think...

It's okay, dad, friends. Look, Ron, I don't want you to break your wife's heart. Why don't one of us will just pretend to be you, and then we'll go on the date, and then you whisper your business acumen into our ear, and you can be like a waiter on the date,

and you can give, you know, one of us advice, and then we'll, now, and the play's getting a little complicated but then one of, we'll hit it off with,

with, with David and then David will help us kill Rachel. Yeah, exactly. And as a master

of seduction and persuasion, I think I'm the man uniquely suited for the job. Put me in the undercover, coach. Nice. Okay, Samantha, so the thing I need to tell you

is I'm pursuing a new field, the service industry. It'll be an adventure full of polite people who always treat me well. I just can't wait for all the benefits of this new job. Okay, honey. I mean, as long as you're feeling optimistic about it, I support you in all of your endeavors.

Love you, babe. I love you. The end. It's been a great crowd. No, it's not really the end. Imagine if that's how you signed off on all your calls. The end. That's how I end all my Imagine if that's how you signed off on all your calls. Yeah. The end.

That's how I end all my calls, yeah. All right, so I guess we, do we go to Applebee's to try to get- Applebee's is an apple grove full of bees. Yes, yes. You go to Applebee's, which is a very, very large apple grove that is, you see immediately there is a man-sized bee who's standing in front of a- Is it the Nasinex bee? Sorry? The Nasinex.

Do you know Antonio Banderas used the Nasonex bee in those ads? You guys remember, right? A lot of Naso heads out here. People love that bee, man. Yeah. See? Jace, the Nasonex bee. The very

sexy bee calls to you and he says, uh, stand by the party of two? I mean, yeah. Well, I think I'm in,

I'm in, right? Wait, who's in? I'm in with a deer piece. Okay. We do need Ron to be the waiter. Yeah.

Oh, do me. I'm the waiter. But how are you going to get Ron in? Ooh, yeah, yeah. Oh,

now there's like a heist, there's like a flashback. I polymorph Ron into a bee. If only I were stealthy or something. I don't know. That's better. Do that. Let's see here. Is there anybody wearing a shirt

that looks like a thing of chicken tenders? A shirt that looks like a thing? A shirt that looks like a thing of chicken tenders? Yeah, like a thing of chicken tenders. A shirt that looks like a thing? A shirt that looks like a thing of chicken tenders? Yeah, like a thing of chicken. Are you asking if one of the bees is wearing a t-shirt that has chicken tenders printed? No, just one of the servers or something. Somebody I could switch clothes with

that maybe their clothes... Are the servers humans? Yeah, turn me into a bee. The servers are all bees. I turn Rana into a bee. Turn me into a bee. The servers are all bees. I turn Ron into a bee. Okay. Oh, don't trust the bee in apartment 23, am I right?

All right, so you're now a bee. That wasn't in the script, Ben. Oh. All right. So you are now a bee. You are not a waiter. You're just sort of a bee hanging outside. I thought you said all the servers were bees. Yeah, yeah, but, like, if you're a human now, you can't just be like, I'm gonna go to this McDonald's and now I work there because I'm a human.

Not with that attitude. Are they wearing, like, what are they wearing? They are wearing, um, red vests with a bunch of flair on them. Oh, I know how to... Oh, wait, let's drag a bee out, beat the shit out of it. Yeah, yeah, exactly! What is with you? I'm trying to win the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just do the hitman thing where you wait for someone to take a smoke break, and you're hiding in a dumpster, and you go, ugh. I get a bunch of flowers that cover myself in honey, and I seductively dance outside the restaurant, hoping that one of the waiters. Hello, boys. Hoping that one of the waiters. Roll performance.

No. Wait, no. Oh, that's a... That's an 11. I mean, that's a six, so Daryl just starts eating the honey off of himself, but it's delicious. But that would attract beasts, though. Beasts.

Yeah, it would attract them, and then they see that it's Daryl just licking himself, and they go, you know what? I could get honey at the store. It would be much easier if we just killed them. Ron looks over at the flower next to him and is like, um, excuse me? Yeah, this bee, this, like, pile of honey is making me really uncomfortable.

Could somebody, like, a big, strong, like, server, oh, wait, but not too strong, come out and, like, kick him out? So the bees hear a bee like, like kick him out. Uh, so the, the bees, here are bees saying, can somebody kick out? This pile of honey.

Oh my God. He's making me uncomfortable. He's licking himself. Ew. All right. Roll deception. That's a D12. Five more Gregs have died

while all this has been happening. Many Gregs died to bring you this podcast. Um, that's going to be a 12. All right, so with a 12, one bee comes out and goes, oh, another honey pervert. I beat him up. All right, go ahead.

I beat him up. Oh, my God. Run. Roll stealth to see if you can beat him up silently without the other bees at Applebee's hearing. Oh, can I give a help on this one? Can Ibee's hearing. Can I give a help on this one? Can I give a help on this one where we flash back to some scene where like

I don't need a help. I mean, a help. What'd you get? I mean, because I have plus 11 to sell. Well, I want to hear what you were going to do anyway. I was just going to teach Ron Krav Maga. Glenn's like,

all right, here's the secret. You must block and strike at the same time. Ah, like the stock market. Sure, yeah. So that's a 12 plus 11. Okay, 23. Yeah, you're going to

very quietly take out this B. Non-lethally, I assume? I don't know. But that's the thing in movies, when you get bumped on the head, that's bad. We talked about this before, where it's like if you're out for even a few seconds, that's very bad. You should go to the ER.

But no, this is a comedy podcast here, and so we're back in the scene. I do... Yes, Ron beats him up selfly, non-lethally, and because it's fiction, he is unconscious for a long, long period of time. With no ill effect. All right, now you are dressed as a waiter. You are perfectly, your plan so far is going off perfectly.

Ron, are you in place? I come and be a, like, you know, leaf off perfectly. Ron, are you in place? I come and be a, like, you know, leaf intercom. Ron, are you in place? Copy, should we have, like, code names? Bald Eagle, in position. Oh, Bald Eagle, just because I don't have hair? No, no, no, sorry, Ron, we went over this. I'm Bald Eagle.

That makes me feel real bad. No, no, it's me, it's me, I'm Bald Eagle. You get to pick your own call sign. Oh. What was the one you wanted again? Um, um, um, um, schnauzer. Schnauzer. Schnauzer one. Are you in position?

Yes. Berk, berk. Roger. I mean, buzz, buzz. Roger. Operation is a go. We are green light. We are green light to move. Copy that. Team two, also B-boys.

I've turned both Daryl and I into Bs. Oh. We're like a little B band, like with the BZ boys. So David and Sarah are going, where's my human man that I was wanting to date? All I see are Bs. That would be me. That would be me. Let me bring you to your date.

And I put my little wing out. I'm going to guide David to the table. And then down the hall at the end of the bar. Is there a bar there? Well, I whisper to him. I say, this man here. It's Applebee's. Here's the bar.

This man you've come to date is quite the special customer. He asked us to personally lead you to the table. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead and lead me to the table, guy who doesn't work here. Henry's playing a little B ukulele to put romantic music into the air.

Okay. So, at the table. At the table is what? Glenn Close, dressed in a suit and sitting there with a calculator, just, like, typing in the campaign. And if you really... And if... And if you really, and if, and if, and if,

if David rolls investigation, you can see that he is, he's doing that thing. Wait, I'll roll. Ooh. He rolled a two, so whatever you want him to see, he will see. He's not smart enough. He doesn't see the upside down

8008-7355. What do we have Do you remember that? Dude, smartphones came at the right time. Because do you imagine being entertained by the fact that you turn numbers upside down? That was like the pinnacle of entertainment. It's amazing. Before I leave, I pull the chair out for David and then I lean in and whisper to Glenn. But loud enough so David can hear.

I say, sir, that tip you gave me was just too large. I don't know if I can accept it. Don't worry. Don't worry. It's more than... Write it off as taxes. And then I walk back and I whisper to Glenn, I was like, That man must be the richest man I've ever waited on.

Both of you roll deception. With advantage. That's smooth. You're both rolling, so that is effectively advantage. God! That's a three! Two plus 14. Oh!

16. You can only do it once. I'm sorry. The inspiration is gone. Come and gone. Oh my God. Okay, okay. Just kidding.

Fuck you. You don't get to do it again. You can't give a mouse a cookie, because then we're gonna go to San Francisco, and they're gonna want three inspiration, and LA is gonna want more. Anthony, can we do like a very brief flashback? It'll be so brief, I promise. Oh yeah, sure.

Okay, so it's like Glenn and Ron, like, you know, like massaging each other's shoulders, amping each other up to beat each other. A little lower, right? A little lower. Okay, cool. You gotta do it, man. You gotta shave your head.

What? Cut back. Bald Glenn Close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in the background, you see Peyton weaving together a wig, and he goes, canonically, this is what he's going to be wearing for the rest of the season. And there's a scene at some point, if you're sure,

where Glenn gets surprised and goes... All right, so... Have a seat, David. You failed to convince him. With a 16, really? With a 16, yeah. I've modulated the difficulty to be a little bit more difficult considering how fucking good your possession is.

Skill inflation, dude. It's a tough economy out there. If you got an 18, I would have accepted it. But no, he goes like, I don't know, I feel like this may be... This guy's a cheapo. He's trying to make me think he's a big shot. Here you are,

sir, the most expensive bottle of wine in the apple piece from your server. Let me, uh... Gnar. Oh, um, I'd like to do a flashback as well. Okay. Henry has been talking

to Rachel about all of David's favorite songs so like can you give me like what are five of his favorite songs I can feel it nothing in the air tonight with or without dudes crocodile cock goodbye yellow brick road

parentheses yellow is piss candle in the far wind okay Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, parentheses, yellow is piss. Candle in the far wind. Okay. The Lion King soundtrack. The Lion King soundtrack. The whole Lion King soundtrack. All right, I'm going to roll a D6. Weirdly enough, a lot of Elton John on that list.

Yeah. I got two. What was the second one you said? Crocodile Cock. All right, so Henry B. Henry is crooning a delightful little version of crocodile cock. You can give me a verse of crocodile cock. And you'll get it back. Do you want me to Google like a karaoke version of...

I remember when crocs were hung. I was horny and feeling dumb Mr. Gator said how you do I said hey there Gator I'm looking at you Best in the biz Cox Rock that's it so yeah you're gonna get advantage of whatever Best in the biz.

Cox Rock, that's it. So yeah, you're going to get an advantage on whatever the next role you're going to do to convince this guy, because the ambiance, the mood is so bellissima. So I've been handed the most expensive bottle of wine. Yes, you have. It was Applebee's. That you could find in the Applebee's.

Waiter, aren't you going to do the cork thing? Of course I'll do it. I'll do the cork thing. Use your stinger. Careful, though, if you use the stinger and it comes out you'll die, Ron! Oh, okay. Alright. I'm a corked-up white boy

just trying to... Just trying to... Just trying to open a bottle. So I will carefully try to use my stinger to open this bottle of wine. Okay, roll a sleight of hand. We'll say sleight of stinger. 13. 13.

13 prevents you from dying. All right. Here you are, sir. The clone that I had waiting in the wings to be Ron for the rest of the series canonically that would have taken your place had you died in that moment now evaporates in the mist.

A real Avril Lavigne situation. Yeah, a real Avril Lavigne. So Glenn leans over and does the whole sniff-sniff, sniff-sniff quark. And gets kind of a quizzical look on his face. He's like, wait. This wine is no good. Put it,

quirk back in it and put it and store it for future value taxation purposes. It will depreciate and amortize over seven years. Roll persuasion with advantage. Did I just get you with the word amortization? Seven plus

14, 21? Yes, sir. Right away, sir. So with a 21, he goes, oh, we get advantage also, but not that it matters. He goes, oh, we get an advantage also, but not that it matters. He goes, oh, amortize. Yeah. Oh, are you into the business arts?

I consider business an art. You're doing great, Glenn. Glenn does like a thumbs up behind his head. You're crushing it, bald eagle. Yeah, I'm just looking for somebody who can support me in my endeavors. Well, do you have a budget?

Oh! Let me ask you something. What kind of tax advantage retirement accounts are you rolling? I got a mattress full of dollar bills. I've got a designer dog that I can probably flip for a couple grand. You telling me that all your assets are cash assets? Yeah, I'm liquid.

Glenn is going to neg David by being like, ugh, you're not even taking, ugh, inflation is gonna, ugh. And Glenn stands up and goes as if to leave. Oh! Roll persuasion again with advantage. Bro, what you, what you, what you. Or deception, rather.

Not that it's gonna matter. With advantage, that persuasion roll puts me at a healthy, healthy 9 plus 14, rather. Not that it's going to matter. With advantage, that persuasion roll puts me at a healthy, healthy 9 plus 14, 23. Wait, wait, wait. When I'm mad at you... Glenn does the thing where he stops and he's just like... Yes?

I've been looking to get into some stocks and bonds and stuff like that. Now you're speaking my language. I'm just a simple David. Syminthia, I just need somebody to explain it to me. It's so complicated. If you can, for a layman, explain what the stock market is within, like, 15 seconds in a way that makes sense, then you will have clinched it.

Stock marketing is a market in which it allows the public to own portions of publicly traded companies so that they can take advantage of the value of those companies, the perceived value of those companies, based on how well they're doing as a company on a quarterly basis. I think that was pretty good. This has been Planted Money. on a quarterly basis.

I think that was pretty good. This has been Planted Money! Ron takes Daryl aside. He's like, he's so silly. Stock is just how many t-shirts you have. Ron, sorry, I was just flying off the handle. I don't know if anything I said was true. It's not. Yeah, none of this business stuff is right,

but that's why there's only one businessman. But you're doing great, Bulldog. Just keep bullshitting, I guess. David, what you're saying that you want to get into tax advantages and savings retirement accounts, that's really working for me. Tell me,

is there any reason that Rachel should die? There's a hot seat situation. I know, is there any reason that Rachel should die? There's a hot situation. I know, I know. I'm getting there. I'm getting there. Is there any reason that Rachel should, you know, like, is a bad person? Like, you know, even financially speaking. Any sort of financial fraud. Financially speaking, yeah. I mean, she's

counterfeited a few dollar bills, but I mean, who has... Counterfeiting? Why, that's a federal offense. She's otherwise a... I'm gonna roll to see if Rachel's a good person or not. She killed three people. Natural 20. Oh, no. What a deal. She's killed three people, but she

saved 12. She's donated every organ that she has while still alive and is just barely holding on. It's only the love. Can I do a quick flashback? Yeah, go. Before we leave on this date, I lean in to all the Gregs

and I say, she has no organs. There's more of you than her. We're gonna be gone for a while. Whatever happens, happens. Take her down. Roll persuasion. That's right. That's a five. The grad student.

I don't know. I don't know if there's any way you could have known that. Because this is a flashback. Can I do a flashback? Yes, you can. Daryl, you almost forgot your great glasses. This is why they call them the x-ray machine. This guy is the best in the biz. He can see right through you.

He can tell if you've got organs or not. He can tell if you're a good person. Oh, I just love you, Daryl. All right, the end. So you guys believe me now? Roll for your dumbass flashback, Beth. That's, ooh, okay, that's a seven. They go, this is a pair of sunglasses that you wrote I know everything onto in, like, Magic Market.

Daryl, are you going to keep those sunglasses, by the way? I feel good in them. Do you want them, though? You can have them, I guess, yeah. All. I feel good in them. Do you want them though? You can have them, I guess. Alright, you should have them. So we go back to the present. Beautiful. Yeah, I mean, she's a really good person.

She's donated all her organs. She donates money to orphanages and stuff. She's a fantastic person. They're amazing. Team Bravo, this is a bald Eagle checking in. Excuse me one second. I must use the... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Henry wants to do one more flag.

I love that. It's like Henry wants to do it, not Will. Henry wants to do one. Henry wants to do one. Just one. Matt Mercer does not put up with this shit. Just one. Henry has planted a speaking stone on the table. Okay. And back at HQ, back at the hostage situation,

Rachel, they're listening by a speaking stone to David saying all these wonderful things about what a good person they are. Wow. And Rachel goes, yeah, that's why I'm in love with him. And I'm still upset that he's not in love with me. You just made it worse. And two more Gregs die.

Okay. Okay. There's one more flashback. Guys, guys, I feel like I wouldn't feel bad if we canceled this date with David, right? Mm-hmm. When are we flashing back to? This is right before we leave on a date. We're about to leave on a date.

Okay. How do you guys tie a tie? I don't think we should cancel the date, but I don't think this date's going to fix this. How about we roll initiative and kill Rachel before we go on this date? What do you guys think? Wait, how many Gregs are left? There's only five Gregs left, man. If we go on a date, everybody's going to be dead, including...

Whatever her name is. Four Gregs, man. You've gotten so deep into gaming. All right. Human lives are at stake. I look at Henry and say, fine, we don't have to do this. But in a couple hours, when this date goes wrong, the blood's on your hands, do you understand?

We flash forward and I go, I knew we should just cut it. I gave you that one last chance to invite Rachel. A tear rolls down Henry's B.I. as he realizes this goings out. Okay, Glenn, you were coming to talk to us or something. What's up? Glenn, you gotta save us.

You gotta save this situation. I can't handle any more Gregs dying. I still don't understand how the state's gonna eventually save these Gregs. What was he supposed to do? We were trying to get, just to remind everybody, we were trying to get dirt on Rachel to justify morally killing her.

I thought we were trying to get, I thought it was like, David was like, I'm going to go on this date with you, and then I'll help you convince Rachel to not kill people. Oh, that's right, that's right. There we go. Yeah, that was it.

But my secondary objective, right? You can have secondary objectives, dude. You saw Ocean's Eleven. You know what I'm saying? The primary objective is to shoot Roberts, dude. Henry zooms into Glenn's ear. Glenn, it's me, Henry. I'm in your ear.

You're so loud! Glenn, it's me, Henry. I'm in your ear. You're so loud! Glenn, it's me, Henry. I'm in your ear. Hey, so, we gotta get this date to a second location. We gotta get... We gotta get... We gotta get... I'm telling you, you cannot say it like that, Henry.

You cannot say it like that. We gotta get David back to the hostage situation so David can convince Rachel to not come out. And they'll come out and stop the hostage situation. And if it doesn't work, you can kill Rachel to not come out. And they'll come out and stop the hostage situation. And if it doesn't work, you can kill Rachel, Daryl. But we need David to pretend he loves Rachel. Yeah, so make that sound business-y, and then we'll get that to happen.

What do business people love? And then we'll get that to happen. Glenn, what do business people love? Money. If I remember correctly, we have, like, thousands of gold. That's right. This is after we did the thing with Scam with the... Yeah, we have like thousands of gold. That's right. This is after we did the thing with the, yeah, we have, just give them.

No, no, no, no. Dammit, you don't know the first thing about business. Ron, Tommy. Ron, you're in too deep. David, you're, Dave Klein, you're in too deep. No, listen to me. Remember who you are. Here's what.

A loser rock guy. Hey, I managed the finances for my band, man. No, no, Glenn. I mean, Bulldog, you are a strong, capable businessman. You are enough dressed as you are. You are bald, and that's okay. I take my glasses. The light shines brightest off reflective surfaces, just like your head, buddy.

I take the sunglasses, which, what do they say? They say, I know everything. I take my sunglasses, I say, you need these, buddy, and I put them on you. I say, get back in there. Now everything is slightly darker and my perception goes down by one. And then I go, I have some rental properties

that I need to check up on. You know, just a little bit of secondary passive income sources. Okay, can I come with? I guess. of secondary passive income sources. Okay, can I come with? I guess. Oh no. So now I take the date to a second location

back to Hardball Cough Drops. Okay, so you go back to Hardball Cough Drops and are you gonna just try to walk David into this hostage situation? No, no, I'm gonna. Oh yeah to walk David into this hostage situation? No, no, no. I'm going to... Oh, yeah. Disguise David as a hostage. What was the Greggs...

What did the Greggs look like? The Greggs all look like him. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. So, gray t-shirt, a lanyard with what appears to be a VIP pass.

Well, that makes sense, right? It was the Greg convention. They all got VIP. Yeah, VIP Greg convention. Bravo team, I need a Greg outfit. Stat. Okay. I just pick up some clothes from one of the dead Gregs. And then for the

shirt, I'll check the stock market. Is it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You do that, Ron. And then for the shirt, I'll check the stock market. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You do that, Ron. I pick up a shirt from one of the dead gregs, too. I found one on the stock market. That was great advice.

Oh, the Dow is down and so am I, man. So this, just, Dave, this location here, you know, there's kind of a strict uniform dress code. Can you put this on? Anything for you, my new friend. All right. Maybe more. Slow that, slow that, slow that.

You're moving too fast. Well. Or are you? Oh. You can rescue any, any situation with that or are you. So Dave puts the shirt on, and it's sticking to his chest with blood, but otherwise it seems to be completely fine. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Come on in.

I get right, I'm just bringing Dave in. Oh no! It's Rachel! It's Rachel! This is a trap of some sort. What am I doing here? I start singing Crocodile Cock again. You say what? Crocodile Cock. It's the most romantic song to make him fall in love with Rachel.

It's a Hail Mary play. Okay, give me a roll. I'm going to sneak behind Rachel as she's distracted. That's a seven. That's not going to do it. What are you going to do, Daryl? Don't even worry about it.

Two more grigs. There's only two left now. I don't care about them anymore. After seven dead, what's the point? Daryl just sits down. In for a penny, in for a pound, yeah. Now the best case scenario is we save three out of

twelve hostages, guys. Where is Hardball Cough Trap? She's also one of the hostages. Okay, I, um... She's the one who canonically cannot die. I cast, um... Whoa, she can't die? Dale just walks towards Rachel. You won't shoot.

Look what you've done. Look at all this depth. For what? Roll intimidation. Yes! That's a 21! 21! So she raises the scroll of disintegrate, which has so many charges on it.

It's really more of a binder of disintegrate. You don't want to do this. Deep down I know I'm still here later. I know Rachel's still here. I know Cop Top's still here. I know you should still be here later, too. And I'm picking up what Daryl's been laying down. Look what you have wrought. David, what do you think of this death and this destruction

and this poor use of business assets and personnel? Yeah, the amount of money you've lost just on these brags alone has got to be in the tens of thousands. Or more. Or more!

You disappointed me, Rachel. And for good reason, Rachel. Don't you see? Look at what your actions have done. You screwed this up. We don't need to sell anymore. We got 21. We're good. So she hesitates.

The binder of disintegration hesitates in her hand and she sort of drops it to her side and she goes, what have I done? Yeah, yeah. Really think about that.

I approach them cautiously and like just kind of kick the scroll away. Do you know what I mean? Give me an Rintak roll. Why did I open my dumb mouth? No! Will!

William! William, say it isn't so, William! She disintegrates Henry! No! No! She disintegrates Henry! Henry evaporates in a smoke before your eyes. And then a changeling from outside sees this happen and she goes,

that's horrible. Those people, they look so devastated that their best friend Henry has just died. I know what I'll do. And she casts a spell that removes all of your memories of the past 35 seconds. And she transforms herself into the image

of what she believes that guy Henry looked like. Wait, wait, wait. I got an idea, actually. What if it was the changeling in the first place when he planted it in a flashback? Henry is cursed! A changeling! Henry comes out! Henry! cursed! A changeling! Henry comes out! Henry!

Henry comes out with a changeling! No! So yeah, she's got it. She just iced the changeling, which means she's probably distracted if you wanted to now make this plan relevant. I cast Wall of Stone!

I cast Wall of Stone and put her in a little jail and I just run to everybody. Nice. Okay. Like a boom and then like a bunch little jail and I just run to everybody. Nice. Okay. Like a boom and then like a bunch of walls show up. Ron pulls out his diary. Dear diary.

There is the friend zone and there are war zones and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. The end. The end! The end. The end! The end. Thank you, Paul! Thank you!

Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Dungeons and Dice is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM.

Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Our theme song

is All Right by Maxson Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashi Nicolai is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing, and Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

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as well as hours and hours of bonus content. If that was me, I'm doing it for the bonus content, to be honest. Thanks so much. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our next episode is going to be coming out February 27th. We'll see you then.