Dungeons and Daddies - Do or Dice Live Tour - Live in Seattle 8/21/23

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual ContentThis was the first stop on the Dungeons and Daddies 2023 Do or Dice west coast tour, at the Neptune Theater in Seattle, WA. Join the Season 1 d...ads onstage as they fix a village's problems.For more live shows (and tons of bonus audio and video!), support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Darryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "Alright" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 In just a minute, you're going to be hearing the first live show from our Do or Dice 2023 tour. This was up in Seattle, Washington at the Neptune Theater. If you want more live shows, including the two live show streams we did during the pandemic, as well as video and audio of both the Seattle and Portland shows, you're going to want to support us on Patreon, where you'll get all of our live shows, as well as numerous one-shots and bonus features, all as part of your subscription. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. All right, enough of that.
Starting point is 00:00:25 Time to listen to the show. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. And this is a live show. So who knows what's going to happen? Give it up, Seattle! Let me hear you! Let's go! Welcome back on stage, the one and only William Campos! Let me hear it for Matt Arnold, everybody!
Starting point is 00:01:00 Is there a Beth May in the house? And finally, let's hear it for the one, the only, Anthony Burgess, our DM! Woo! Damn! A lot of nerds in here tonight! How's it going, Seattle? How are we doing tonight on a Monday? Everybody find parking okay? Are we good on parking in the U District?
Starting point is 00:01:36 We all good? Okay, good. Well, thanks so much for coming to the show. What a great show. Good night. Let me get my cool DJ setup back. Get your shit. Dude. Sorry, Matt, Anthony, and I are out of breath.
Starting point is 00:01:49 We had quite the intro there. Yeah. Trying to figure it out. We need some time to recover. This is Touchdown Live. This is the first stop on the Do or Die Tour. What do you think about that? Yeah!
Starting point is 00:02:03 And you know what, nothing planned, just flying by the seat of our pants. Anthony, you have something for us tonight, something special. Would you explain to the kind folks gathered here today what we're up to tonight? I don't have just one something special, I have six somethings special.
Starting point is 00:02:22 Most men only have two. So the way this is gonna work tonight is I've prepared six different one-shots that all have something to do with the daddies. And in order to figure out which one of those one-shots we're gonna do, we're gonna rely on our lady of random chance. So... Oh, yes. If we roll a one, we will be doing... Daddy babies.
Starting point is 00:02:48 No. A two means my daddy, my daddy, and me. What the fuck? No! Whose fucking show is this, Anthony? Careful, Icarus. If we roll a three, we are doing something called blood in the water. Ooh.
Starting point is 00:03:02 Ooh. If we roll a four, we're doing something called dread. Ooh. Ooh. If we're doing, if we roll a four, we're doing something called dread. Ooh. Ooh. Worst one-shot possible. And number six is werewolf.
Starting point is 00:03:16 How come everyone always, how come everyone always asks werewolf and never how wolf? So the way this is gonna work, does this just have
Starting point is 00:03:24 a copy of werewolf in it? Don't worry about it. So what we are going to do is Freddie is going to toss the D6 into the crowd. If you would kindly pass it all the way back, and then you pass it this direction, and then you pass it this direction, and then throw it back onto the stage.
Starting point is 00:03:39 What a plan. Pretty to think so. Hold on, everybody. Relax. Be a plan. Pretty good thing, so. Hold on, everybody. Relax. All right? Be fucking cool. This is a vinyl D6 I bought on Amazon before I got here. Just don't hit each other in the face. Just bop it around.
Starting point is 00:03:56 We're adults here. We can handle that, right? Can we handle that? Can we be cool? Fuck off. Here's what I want. I want this dice to go back. I want this dice eventually to get back on stage. However it gets there, please.
Starting point is 00:04:09 God, nobody get injured. We are not insured for that. Here we go. Here we go. Up. Here we go. Toss it back. Toss it back.
Starting point is 00:04:17 Get it back. No, no, no, no. Not yet. No. Back. Back. There we go. There we go.
Starting point is 00:04:22 There we go. There we go. There we go. Last one. Last one. Bring it up. Bring it up. Wait. Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Down the stairs. Six! Six! Weird move! So while I unfurl this, would you like to introduce
Starting point is 00:04:42 each of the characters? Yeah, let's introduce this podcast. You guys ready for a little podcasting? This is Dungeons and Daddies, a show about four dads flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. Season one. We're doing season one. My name is Freddie Wong, and I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bar dad of the group.
Starting point is 00:05:04 I'm going to pander if you guys don't mind. Is that okay? Go, go, go. Glenn's dad fact for tonight. Glenn's dick sorter is... Shameless pandering. Shameless pandering. Fucking hometown hero Freddie Wong pandering to the audience.
Starting point is 00:05:20 That's right. That's right. And we all are going to go to the walling for one after all this, right? Yeah, okay. Glenn's Dick's Order is the Glenn's Deluxe. What it is, it's a hamburger, a special in the middle, tartar sauce on top of the special, another hamburger on top of that.
Starting point is 00:05:37 It's a rebuild of the Dick's Deluxe, but one piece at a time, each component consisting of other burgers. And then Glenn continually tries to get the poor folks over at the Dixon Wall on Capitol Hill to be like, hey, hey, can we put the Glenn special? I didn't hear Dick's order, I heard disorder. I'm like,
Starting point is 00:05:56 finally, we get to learn what it is. What is it? Anyway, you can't order it at any of the Dick's. They're not taking that as an official off-menu item. Hey, everybody, my name's Matthew Arnold, and I... Yeah! Hydrate up.
Starting point is 00:06:14 My name's Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, the stay-at-home... Not soccer dad, just sports dad in general. Yeah! All right, little known fact about Daryl. Since we're doing our live show, I thought we'd talk about Daryl's favorite live show he's ever been to.
Starting point is 00:06:29 And it is every time he gets to watch Grant practice soccer. He's a good dad. May not seem like it when you listen to season two, but I like to think he was a good dad. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play...
Starting point is 00:06:45 I play Henry Oake. He's a hippy-dippy, crunchy, munchy, Berkestock rockin' granola nature druid dad. Granola druid! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. You're a granola druid dad MC, dawg. MC. And MC.
Starting point is 00:07:04 Henry's favorite spot in Seattle is the REI co-op. REI, of course, being the Respect Every Iguana co-op. Which is really a big iguana coop. They just call it a co-op. Iguanas are like number one friend of rocks.
Starting point is 00:07:22 They bathe on rocks all day. And Henry's all about that. He he always goes out to REI. They also have a giant rock that they put the iguanas on. Terrible, Will. Hello, everybody. My name is Beth May. And I'm... Beth.
Starting point is 00:07:44 Beth. Beth. I'm gonna... Could you pretend? Could you just pretend to not have a favorite? I'm gonna say this. I'm gonna say this. I'm gonna say this. Beth.
Starting point is 00:07:55 Mark my words, Beth. If you throw down the I can't hear you, you're off the podcast. We're gonna do this one together, though. I play Ron Sampler. Yes, an emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron is that Ron always keeps his phone in low power mode. Because women deserve all the power.
Starting point is 00:08:32 Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Woo! Yeah! Yeah. Soak in that adoration. I was going to come out here and do some very cheap heel stuff and be like, oh, I can't wait to leave this place, just like the supersonics, but... Boo. Oh, they're turning on you, Anthony.
Starting point is 00:09:02 Yeah, that's the energy I wanted. I want you to like me, but not that much. Okay, so because we rolled a six and got werewolf, we are going to play a little game. So you are all, just to clarify, everybody is, they're characters from season one and Paden is around. I didn't hear anything from Peyton. Is there
Starting point is 00:09:29 Peyton here? Hey, Peyton, buddy! Sorry, sorry. My name is Peyton Bennett. I'm a former champion three times of the Unfortunate Foster Children League. And my dad fact is that I love Seattle. So, without further ado, the full moon casts long shadows.
Starting point is 00:10:01 Yeah, that's right. It started like this. That's what I'm talking about. The full moon casts long shadows. Yeah, that's right. It started like this. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Ooh. The full moon casts long shadows
Starting point is 00:10:08 across the cold, hard Faerun ground. I look so tall. Look at the shadow. Sorry, sorry. I won't do that. That's the last one, I promise. It's not the last one. That's not the last one for that.
Starting point is 00:10:19 It's not. You huddle around the campfire for warmth. The flickering flames reflected off the white plastic of the Honda Odyssey. Paint a picture. Roll perception. Ooh, right away. Five.
Starting point is 00:10:37 Thirteen. That's a 21. Ooh. It's a seven. I rolled the dice. It's fine. Oh, you know what? I also forgot to mention,
Starting point is 00:10:46 at one point during tonight, if you wish for somebody to re-roll a failed roll, or get inspiration for it, get advantage for it, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go, inspiration, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. Inspiration, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. Inspiration, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. Inspiration. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
Starting point is 00:11:07 All right, I'm going to roll again. A six. You get to do that once tonight. Once. Would that count? So you get to choose. As an audience, you are going to all subconsciously choose when you want that moment to happen. So don't fuck it up.
Starting point is 00:11:22 I'm sorry, Anthony. The people in Austin fucked it up, so... Yeah. We're never going back there. Anthony, I have a five, actually, plus 14. I'm now looking at my character sheet. So 20... 19, 19.
Starting point is 00:11:34 All right, so that is going to mean that Glenn and Henry, you hear something in the underbrush surrounding your camp. That's probably a raccoon or something, bro. I think... I don't know. I'm gonna just go get it.
Starting point is 00:11:46 I'm gonna go see what it is. I'm gonna heedlessly wander away from the group on this spooky night. I'm feeling really good. I'm gonna explore a little bit. You need a forest buddy, bro? Yeah, you want to be my forest buddy? Yeah, cool, good. I need it to pee. Should we tell the others where we're going?
Starting point is 00:12:01 They're sleeping. Look, Ron and Daryl are spooning. It's so cute. I've never seen them spoon like that. You're sleeping. Look, Ron and Daryl are spooning. It's so cute. Never seen them spoon like that. You're asleep, Daryl. Why does Ron have his tongue in Daryl's ear? Peyton, that's just what some men do sometimes.
Starting point is 00:12:18 That's, you know, and it's just part of how men love and respect each other. I can't wait till I grow up. I'm gonna proceed. Oh, up. I'm going to proceed. Oh, ripperoni, right, yeah. Spoiler alert. I'm going to go ahead and creep up to the bushes. Okay.
Starting point is 00:12:39 So within the bushes, you see... There's a fly just crawling up my head. There is. There's a fly on your head right is. Sorry about the flies, everyone. He's one of Mother Earth's creatures, Matthew! I'm trying to help! You see two yellow eyes poking out from the darkness.
Starting point is 00:12:56 And are you going to do anything about that? Well, no, because again, maybe it's a mama bird, like a night bird with its nest. So I want to... You know, one of those night birds. Glenn, this might's a mama bird, like a night bird with its nest. So I want to, like, I just want to. Yes, a night bird. You know, one of those night birds. Yeah, just a night bird.
Starting point is 00:13:07 I'm like, Glenn, this might be a night bird. Oh, this could be a really special. Like, you know how some, like, real nature perverts get really whispery whenever they're around an animal in the wild? What? What, Henry? I can't hear you. I'm pissing. I'm pushing piss right now.
Starting point is 00:13:21 Glenn, just be careful, okay? There's a beautiful nightbird here. I'm gonna try to sing the song of the nightbird. I'm gonna try to coo softly to the- All right, roll animal handling. All right. This is right up your alley, Will. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:35 That's a four. That sounds about right. You hear the following. I don't think that's a nightbird. I don't know about that. Hey, Henry, I don't know that's a night bird. I don't know about... Hey, Henry, I don't know about this, man. I thought you were pissing. Are you done pissing?
Starting point is 00:13:50 No, weirdly, no. This is like a long one, man. Come on, hurry up and piss. You know, you can't stop. You can't just pitch out the flow, dude. It's like building a dam in the middle of a river. Don't you do Kegels, bro? What?
Starting point is 00:14:02 What are those? I'm going to teach you about Kegels later. Your girlfriends will thank me. I don't know if I want that, Henry, but okay. I'm going to do another perception check. I'm nervous. I'm going to just see if I can see any more about it. That's like a 17.
Starting point is 00:14:22 Okay, so with a 17, you can see that it is a wolf. What you cannot tell... It's a beautiful wolf? It is a beautiful... Oh my gosh, they've been hunted to near extinction on Earth. You can see the fur on the back of its head is raised. You can see that it is feeling a little bit scared and a little bit on edge.
Starting point is 00:14:41 Aw. Aw. Henry, I'm going to cast... Fireball. No, Daryl. Why don't we... Give me a second to think about what I'm going to do. Why don't we cut back to maybe Daryl and Ron are stirring awake.
Starting point is 00:14:56 Maybe one of them's half-masked from the 10-year stuff. I didn't say that happened, Will! So it doesn't happen, Will! This stuff usually gets all edited out, this infighting. Yeah, it's a really different podcast in person, guys. I don't know what to tell you. I'm going to cast Speak With Animals.
Starting point is 00:15:14 All right, perfect. I was hoping you would do that because then you hear, Hello. Hello. Daryl wakes up. Ron, did you hear that? Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream. What was it, bud?
Starting point is 00:15:37 You were there, and you were there, and you were there. Oh, wait, there's just the two of us, Daryl. There's just two of us? Hey, where did they go? We should go find out. They went out to go piss. Oh, hey, what's the pain, bud? They didn't invite me. Did you hear like a...
Starting point is 00:15:47 Well, yeah, that's not a thing you invite people to, bud. Did you go pee? That always invites me. I'm always... I'm never not... That's my secret, Captain. I'm always peeing. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:15:57 What? Where did they go? They went this way, towards the plot. Oh. Well, Ron, now that we're awake, should we head towards the plot? What'd you say? I said do you want to go to where they are? Oh, to the plot.
Starting point is 00:16:10 Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you hear as you... So in the dream. Oh, what was the dream? No, that's good. Oh, sorry, Ron, what was the dream? I didn't mean to interrupt.
Starting point is 00:16:18 There was this purple portal, right? Oh. And we went towards it. And then I woke up. What? What do you think it means? Do you think maybe you should just, I don't know, just talk to your wife more? Figure out.
Starting point is 00:16:37 Like, you got to find something. That's generally what dreams mean, right, Daryl? You got to find something that, like, satisfies you if you're going to be home all the time. I'm sorry, did you have to go pee? What did you dream about? Let's go pee, let's go find them. Okay. Yeah, let's go find them.
Starting point is 00:16:53 All right, we're going to pee. Boys party. All right. Boys night, boys night. This is great. I can do it while standing up. Go ahead, go ahead. Yes, what?
Starting point is 00:17:01 Just, boys, boys. We gotta be really quiet. There's an uwu werewolf in the quiet. There's an uwu werewolf in the bushes. There's a uwu werewolf. Hello. We're going to kill it. No, Ron. Ron, no.
Starting point is 00:17:15 Can we hear it or is it just Henry? Henry can understand what it is saying. You can hear it howling. Only Henry hears hello. I know it sounds scary, but trust me, it's got a cute little voice. It's just a sweet little guy. Will you help me find my mommy? It wants us to help him find his mommy.
Starting point is 00:17:32 Oh, bud. Hey, Wolfie. And I put my hand out, you know, the way you're supposed to approach a dog, like open palm, below its chin. It's not threatening. Why don't you roll animal handling? My specialty. Is it, Matt? animal handling? Oh, my specialty.
Starting point is 00:17:46 Is it that? Animal handling doesn't mean jerking off. Thank you for the compliment. Oh, Will, you walked right into that one, bro. I'm pretty sure my hand, I can't, it's 14 plus. I'm sure it's like four or five, so. That's the hard D&D crunchy numbers these people came to see.
Starting point is 00:18:08 It looks like you're playing a Sudoku on there. Roll something. I did a roll to 14. Okay. And my ammo handling, I remember, because, you know, I remember the show. It was like a four or five, because I was good at minivan.
Starting point is 00:18:19 Okay, great, great. Okay, so the wolf very tentatively comes out and licks your hand just a little bit nervously, and then it casts Speak With Animals on all of you, so you can all now talk to it if you wish. Well, that means I'm not special anymore. If everyone could do it. You're special in your own way.
Starting point is 00:18:35 I fucking burned a spell slot on this. Bud, you said you need to find your mom? Yes, the local village. The what village? The local village. The local village. Okay. In this area code.
Starting point is 00:18:53 Okay. What area code is this? 504. They kidnapped my mom, and they're going to virtually execute her. Oh. To appease their... Ron!
Starting point is 00:19:11 Sorry, I didn't mean... I mean, sorry. They are gonna witchually execute her to appease their dog, God. I need somebody to help me save her. Oh, okay. Well, please don't, don't, God. I need somebody to help me save her. Oh, okay. Well, where do they take her? Also, wait, really quick. Do you know how powerful is this God? This don't God?
Starting point is 00:19:35 I don't know. They said that they were going to sacrifice her and then bring the God into existence and that the God was going to... Oh, they're always doing that. They're always doing that. I hate that. Yeah, we got to stop that. You know, that's where the gods should be, where, they're always doing that. I hate that. Yeah, we gotta stop that.
Starting point is 00:19:45 You know, that's where the gods should be, where the gods are. I just, I'm sorry, this is a personal bone to pick of mine. I just, I just think, I just think. Yeah, the one god up in heaven. Never mind, Daryl. So the werewolf sort of gestures into the distance
Starting point is 00:20:04 and you can see the distant lights of a little village. Would you like to go and actually do the adventure? Yeah. Yeah, I think yeah. Hold on, just finishing up. All right, all right, we're good. So the village consists... Wait, what's the little wolf's name?
Starting point is 00:20:23 Oh, my name is... Uh... Here we go, here we go. Does somebody say stop? Stop. You. What's your name? My name is Katie.
Starting point is 00:20:43 Golly gee whiz, nice to meet you, Katie. Sorry, what was that? I said golly gee whiz, nice to meet you, Katie. Golly gee whiz, nice to meet you, Katie. Sorry, what was that? I said golly gee whiz, nice to meet you, Katie. Nice to meet you as well. I'm going to quickly take my jacket and make a baby Bjorn and put Katie, like a little baby up in front of me. Wait, yeah, Katie's like a wolf, Matt.
Starting point is 00:21:00 A baby wolf? Katie's a baby wolf. I allow it. I allow it. We wolf. I allow it. We just gotta make sure you stay quiet. We don't wanna, you know... Ron, you're the stealthiest. You gotta scout.
Starting point is 00:21:11 Oh, yeah. Wait, can I pet the doggie? Yeah, of course. Hi, Katie. Can I just give you a pat on the head, please? Yes, please. I'm gonna roll for it. Roll for attack.
Starting point is 00:21:22 I got a seven. You snapped Katie's neck. What? I'm going to roll for it. Roll for attack. I got a seven. You snap Katie's neck. What? No, no, no. No, no, no. Not a one. You just do kind of rough and in the wrong direction, and Katie's like, I don't know about this.
Starting point is 00:21:39 I then kind of rub underneath Katie's chin and be like, it's okay, but it's okay. One, ooh. Ooh. I can't do a dog happily growling. I can only do a growl. Now that you hear it, I can hear it.
Starting point is 00:21:54 Yeah, it's weird. It's a little different. So on the outskirts of the village, you can see that the village consists of a tavern from which raucous celebrating can be heard. You see a jail. You see a person-sized glass case in the center of the town square. Okay.
Starting point is 00:22:12 You see a merchant, a merchant's, like, store. Okay. And several residential homes where the villagers live, presumably. Oh, sweet. Sounds like you don't want us to go in those homes. What a unique village. I've never heard this. Oh, sweet. Sounds like you don't want us to go in those homes. Yeah. What a unique village. I've never heard this. Oh, I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:22:27 Do you want a DM? Matt, describe a village in that village. Describe a village right now and that's what the village looks like. It's a village made of candy drop mountains. Candy drop is a candy village? I'm sorry, what? It's a candy village made of mountains?
Starting point is 00:22:43 You stupid fuck. What? It's a candy village made of mounds? You stupid fuck. Anthony, I... You're doing a great job, bud. Get in your fucking lane. So, again, there is a merchant store, a tavern, a jail,
Starting point is 00:22:59 a glass case in the center town square, and several homes. What would you like to do? Katie, where's your mom? I don't know. We were ambushed on the road to T square and several homes. What would you like to do? Katie, where's your mom? I don't know. We were ambushed on the road to Tewa Bifia. Oh, you're not home. Oh.
Starting point is 00:23:13 More like a rope swing. And they took her somewhere. I'm not sure where she is. Can I look for footprints? Oh, yeah. Why don't you roll survival or nature? Oh, there we go. Oh, sorry. Why don't you roll survival or nature? Oh, there we go. Oh, sorry.
Starting point is 00:23:28 Are you the DM? Yeah, yeah. Everybody thinks they're a big fucking deal tonight, huh? I'm the DM. I got a 19. Okay.
Starting point is 00:23:39 So, look, right behind those candy drop mountains. I think I see some footprints. You can see the footprints that look like two people dragging a third, and you can tell that the third person that was being dragged has talons, and it has like claws in there.
Starting point is 00:23:55 Does the person have large talons? And they're being dragged towards the jail. Ooh. They're in the jail? It looks like we got it. Katie, are you sure your mom didn't do anything wrong? Just usually if somebody goes to jail. What?
Starting point is 00:24:10 I'm just asking. I'm just saying we're going to save your mom. I just want to know all the situations. Katie says, Katie says, Katie says, all cops sell Bastos. Glenn smiles. Glenn goes, oh, hell yeah, I found it. And I hold out a fist pound to a wolf. Yes!
Starting point is 00:24:31 Did I get one? You get one. She's so cool. Daryl just ejaculated. Ejaculated. Dude, that was exciting. All right. All right, okay, so it seems like this thing's going to,
Starting point is 00:24:43 it's in the jail. It's in the jail. I don't think we should just, like, it seems like. It's been proven to... It's in the jail. It's in the jail. I don't think we should just... It's been proven guilty, as we've decided. So let's go... Yeah. I think... I mean, but, like, we can't just go into town and be like,
Starting point is 00:24:53 hey, what's up with that? It seems like they're pretty mad at this person, so I think we need, like, a cover identity. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, we could get in trouble to go into the jail, and then we would have to break out ourselves and then also the Mama Wolf, and it would be, be like kind of a dual
Starting point is 00:25:06 journey that would get us to know a lot about ourselves. I love that. Let's do the, yeah, maybe. How about some of us are bounty hunters and we do a quick little photo that's like a wanted for like Glenn or somebody and then we just. Who gets to be the bad boy?
Starting point is 00:25:21 I think I know who it is. I think I know who it is. I think I know who it is. I think I know who it is. Yes, all right. All right, all right. One, two, three. It's Hayden. Hayden.
Starting point is 00:25:32 Oh, yeah. No, that's good. That's good, that's good. Let's use it. Hayden, here's one. Imagine if you could be the bounty hunter that brings in this guy. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:25:45 All right. I'm feral, man. I'm fucking feral. Tie. Oh, okay. All right. I'm feral, man. I'm fucking feral. Tie me up, I'll fucking stop. Hey, hey, hey. It's real. Froth up the saliva and they'll think you have rabies. Okay, very good. Ron, can I just be like your big muscle behind you?
Starting point is 00:26:00 Sure. I have big muscle myself, but if you want to be like the medium-sized helper... I won't say anything. I don't want to ruin... I mean, you're the businessman. Yeah, the completely quiet helper. Yes, I think it's always best if I do the talking.
Starting point is 00:26:17 All right, I think this is shaping up to be a great plan. Okay, and then Glenn and I, you and I can be like just some fun guys that are part of the group. I'll be the money man. I'll be getting the payment for this bounty. Yeah, that's great. You should write a big number.
Starting point is 00:26:33 That way they'll pay it. I'll be a mayor from another town that also wants the guy to drive up the price on Payton, you know? Ooh, that's good, man. That's good. And Glenn, you could be the guy who has on Payton, you know? Ooh, that's good, man. That's good. And you, Clint, you could be the guy who has accused Payton of
Starting point is 00:26:48 killing your whole family or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, great, great, great. They were asking for it. Yeah, that's great, that's great, that's great. Alright, let's go. So, you guys head into the jail. All of you, like, much like
Starting point is 00:27:03 Han and Luke taking Chewbacca through the Death Star, I guess. You got it. There's two plans on this show. One is take Chewbacca in the handcuffs, and like, the other is like, fake our deaths or something. I don't know. And Peyton's like, like, frothing at the mouth and trying to bite at every townsfolk that he walks past.
Starting point is 00:27:20 And you make it to the jail and inside you see a lazy looking deputy with his feet up on a desk. I don't know why that's funny. It's just a perfect Western image. And he goes, what y'all out there? Hello, sir. It's me, Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Starting point is 00:27:42 I have here quite the little criminal. This guy here killed my whole family. Can I do it again? I like lift up Hayden. I lift up Hayden and just like shake him. That's right, good sir. And I am Mayor Oak Worthington. And I'm from a different town.
Starting point is 00:28:04 And I'm mad that this bounty came here and me being here proves that this is real. The deputy, so go ahead and roll Deception. Shit. You jumped the gun. That's a six.
Starting point is 00:28:20 So the deputy narrows his eyes and goes so why are you here then? Because I'm very upset that the bounty is here And I wish to buy the bounty Yeah you keep up with that attitude dude And you're next I hit Henry I hit Henry and I
Starting point is 00:28:36 Chant him and he's like nice try You're the accomplice of this guy Now we got both the bounties He also killed my extended family This guy They're both the bounties. He also killed my extended family. This guy, they're both the two criminals. And we would do it again. By the way, I rolled a seven. I got a...
Starting point is 00:28:55 What? You came in too early, buddy. You came in too late. The guard... I'm not coming too hard, but you came in too early. The story of my life. The guard pulls out his not coming too hard, but you came too early. Story of my life. The guard pulls out his gun, his fantasy gun. His crossbow, his handheld crossbow.
Starting point is 00:29:12 There you go, you found it. And he points and he goes, I don't know what this is, but this is not on the level. Why don't you all get into that cell over there? And he gestures you over to a cell that you can see. Why don't you, actually, Henry specifically, why don't you roll perception with advantage? Or nature with advantage?
Starting point is 00:29:27 That's a natural 20. Yeah, I rolled the big number, Anthony. You see a tall, bipedal wolf standing behind. What you know immediately, just from the scent, just from the tang in the air, are bars of silver. Smells like silver, boys. Geologists learned by sense of smell. You can taste rocks.
Starting point is 00:29:51 That's like a thing. I licked the rock. That's pure, uncut silver if I ever licked it. Katie, is that your mom? I whispered to the wolf. I think that's my mom. What, you don't know? She looks so sad. I'm not used to seeing her crying like this.
Starting point is 00:30:07 Oh, boy. She's such a strong feminine presence in my life. Don't worry. We'll get her back smiling. I promise. You're a true ally. So, Anthony, as we're trying to get pushed into the cell, I want to cast a spell really quick,
Starting point is 00:30:26 and I'm going to modify this one. This is Earth Tremor. You cause a tremor on the ground within range. Each creature other than you must make a dex saving throw. Now, I want to modify it, because Glenn... Here's the idea. Glenn does Earth Tremor, but it's not I cause a tremor. Glenn just goes like, whoa, did you guys feel that earthquake?
Starting point is 00:30:43 And then it's a deception check, and the distraction, I want to, like, bop the guard real good. All right, roll deception for me. All right, sick. This is the best part about D&D. This plus 14, bro. Plus 14?
Starting point is 00:31:00 I've de-leveled for this, and I've still got plus 14, bro. 15 plus 14, 29. Yeah, get used to it. I de-leveled for this and I've still got plus 14, bro. 15 plus 14, 29. Yeah, get used to it. All right, so the tremor happens and the guard goes, oh, what's the ground shaking for? No, no, no, to be clear, no earthquake happens. Yeah, but you just see it. Glenn just says.
Starting point is 00:31:18 Why did you cast a spell then? Well, because it's a spell and then he's like. No, hold on, listen, bro. Listen, listen, listen bro Listen listen listen This smells sick Dude even if he fails He got 1d6 bludgeoning damage dude And it's not prone
Starting point is 00:31:33 So you just literally said There's no earthquake though Yeah but like the mind is a powerful organ You know what I mean Like the power of suggestion Can cause him to lose his balance And I'm gonna, like, shove him really hard into the cell.
Starting point is 00:31:46 I shove him into the cell. Okay, great. See, I'm like that. All right, I think with that high roll, you were capable of doing that. You shove him into the cell, and immediately... I've got an idea.
Starting point is 00:31:57 What's your idea? So can I roll stealth real quick? Yeah. Get in those pants. Oh, no.. Oh no. Is it two? Plus 11 though. What are you trying to do?
Starting point is 00:32:14 Switch clothes with him so that if he wakes up... No! No! If he wakes up, he thinks that he's the bounty hunter and I'm the security guard.
Starting point is 00:32:29 No, unfortunately, your stealth role does not allow you to do that with your piddly 13. You can tear off his pants, though. Yeah, you tear off his fucking pants. Once he's in prison, we can just ask him for his clothes if you want to wear his clothes. Oh, sure. So the thing is, you push him into the cell, but the cell door locks behind him. And you can see that the cell door is also immediately the werewolf starts fucking tearing this dude apart. Oh!
Starting point is 00:32:50 Just limb by limb. Just... Is he okay? Oh, my goodness gracious! You can see that the cell door is... Yeah, it's loud. I mean, will people outside hear it? Oh, um...
Starting point is 00:33:02 I'll roll. I'll roll. Ooh, right? Yeah. That is a 14. So I'm going to say that that was a stealth roll to kill him quietly
Starting point is 00:33:13 and that she gets away with it. Nice. So you can see that there is a five-digit code combo to the opening the cell door and it closed too quickly for any of you to get in.
Starting point is 00:33:24 I know this one. Hey, buddy, what's the code? What's the code? 0-8-0-0-8-5. Wait, I'm asking. Yes! Fucking got his ass! Did I grab it? Did I grab it?
Starting point is 00:33:51 You know, when you work with someone long enough, you sort of finish each other's sentences, you know? Anthony. That's right. Anthony, it's okay, bud. You gotta finish the show. Take a second. You gotta do the show, man.
Starting point is 00:34:02 You can't quit now. You gotta go back into it. You gotta get back in. It's gonna be okay. I love you, boss. Alright. Keep going, big dog. This show might be a lot shorter than we had hoped.
Starting point is 00:34:23 I had so many other things planned. But the door opens. All right, let's get out of here. Let's go. So upon releasing the werewolf, the werewolf looks at Katie and goes, what are you doing with these humans?
Starting point is 00:34:44 And Katie goes, They're my friends. And the werewolf goes, Werewolves don't have friends. Attack them. And they lunge at you. Katie's strapped to me. But I say,
Starting point is 00:34:58 Pa? Pa? Everything goes black. Bang. Okay. You. Okay. You wake up, and it is daybreak. You look around, and you see each other and Peyton. Oh, hey, guys.
Starting point is 00:35:16 What? Are you guys all okay? Was that another one of your dreams, Ron? What's that? I don't know what this one means. There was a big wolf. And boobs. Okay, so maybe it's about Carol. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna, all right. I'm so sorry. I will remind you that the other, the other areas in the village still have some sort of purpose. They are, you haven't completely obviated all that stuff, even despite my reaction.
Starting point is 00:35:48 But what I'm going to need right now is I'm going to need a volunteer from the audience. Uh-oh. Real quick. All right, I saw one of you pull up your hand first, so I'm going to say third row, fourth from the end. Oh, they're not there? Yeah, now that you said it.
Starting point is 00:36:05 Confidence. Confidence said it. Confidence! Confidence, everyone! Confidence wins! One or more of you have been bitten by the werewolf. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I have handed each of you a tile
Starting point is 00:36:19 that has an identity on it. We are going to be playing basically a version of One Night Ultimate Werewolf, except it's going to take more than five minutes and you're allowed to curse. Wait, wait, can you not swear in the original? Oh, man, you guys came here to hear some curses. We're saying the S word.
Starting point is 00:36:38 Go on. So what I'm going to need, so first of all, what is your name? Cedar, like the tree. Cedar, like the tree. Cedar, like the tree. A lovely name. Okay, so what's going to happen is,
Starting point is 00:36:51 this is the narration for One Night Ultimate Werewolf for each of the people to basically do the things at night. So you're going to be the one to read these while we are going to close our, we're going to look at our stuff, and then we're going to all stand up, go back here, and close our eyes. And as quietly as you can, if you have to interact with somebody else's card, you're going to go
Starting point is 00:37:05 step over and then do it, but you're going to have to do it such a way that you don't give away to everybody else that you're moving. Does that make sense? Yeah, just be quiet. Yeah, just be quiet. Okay, so go ahead, take a look at your card, take it with you if you want. No, don't take it with you. Look at it and then put it back down on the table. Okay. Alright, so there
Starting point is 00:37:24 are also three... What were the options on the card? That's a fucking werewolf I know. That is such... Matt, Matt, I swear to God, if you want to play this game, we can start playing this right the fuck now, bro. You look me in the eye. I'm looking at you in the eye.
Starting point is 00:37:41 What's on your card? Well, I need to see what the options are. Let's hear the options. Not werewolf. So each on your card? Well, I need to see what the options are. I'll see what the options are. So, each of you have a card, and there are also three cards in the middle that nobody has, okay? Within all the cards that I have passed out, there are two werewolves,
Starting point is 00:37:56 one seer, a seer gets to look at another player's card, or two cards from the middle. Can I do that any time I want? Matt, my mother... Motherfucker anytime I want? Matt, my motherfucker, you are so fucked, my man. There is a robber. The robber during the night is going to take somebody else's identity
Starting point is 00:38:14 for their own and swap them out, and the person who got robbed won't know about it. There is a... And then there are two villagers. They don't do anything. And then there's an insomniac. That's insulting. That's insulting. You support the local economy here, Anthony. two villagers. They don't do anything. And then there's an insomniac. That's insulting. That's insulting. Support the local economy here, Anthony. Yeah, come on.
Starting point is 00:38:29 And then there's an insomniac who at the end of the night gets to wake up and see if anything has been done to their card. Okay. So what you're going to do, Cedar, at the very end, you're going to ignore this part. This is Troublemaker. Ignore all the stuff of Troublemaker and at the end say, insomniac, open your eyes and check that your card is fine. Is that cool? Yeah, so just read all of this and then instead of the Tr troublemaker. Ignore all the stuff with troublemaker and at the end say insomniac, open your eyes and check the ear card
Starting point is 00:38:45 is fine. Is that cool? Yeah, so just read all of this and then instead of the troublemaker do the insomniac. God, you're so good at that.
Starting point is 00:38:52 Round of applause for Sita. All right. If my daddies would get up face away from the stage, close your eyes and my audience,
Starting point is 00:39:04 if you can just give me a little tippy taps oh i got an idea yeah yeah just yeah yeah white noise white noise that's so good the asmr is so strong okay all right cedar as you were hey folks freddie here i'm gonna describe what's happening in the audio onlyonly version. Everyone, close your eyes. Werewolves. Not the audience. Yeah, keep your eyes open, please. Werewolves, wake up and look for other werewolves.
Starting point is 00:39:36 Matt slash Daryl has turned around. He points a finger straight up in the air like Michael Jackson. All right, werewolves, close your eyes. Seer, wake up. You may look at another player's card or two of the center cards. Freddy slash Glenn turns around, points over at Matt, turns over Matt's card, and acts like, obviously, Matt's the fucking werewolf.
Starting point is 00:40:03 Like, come on. All right, Seer, close your eyes. Robber, wake up. You may exchange your card with another player's card and then view your new card. Anthony spins around really fast and he exchanges his card with Freddy's card. All right, robber, close your eyes.
Starting point is 00:40:28 Insomniac, go ahead and wake up. Nobody turns around. Check your own card. See if you've been robbed. Cedar gestures to the audience to cheer so as to confuse us, the players.
Starting point is 00:40:44 Alright, insomniac, close your eyes. And everyone, go ahead and wake up. Thanks! Let's give a hand! Let's give a hand, ladies and gentlemen! I feel wheeled. What? Payton, what's up, bud?
Starting point is 00:41:03 Where are we, by the way, Just to set the scene a little bit. You wake up in the jail. In the jail? Outside of the cell bars. Oh. And the two werewolves are gone. The adult and Katie are both gone. Oh man! Where's the dog?
Starting point is 00:41:15 What happened? Well, I mean, she got her mom so that's nice. That's what we came here for. Yeah, I guess we did a good job. Well, I'm ready to go. Yeah. Well, time to go. And I tried the door. Help. Help?
Starting point is 00:41:27 Help. I'm in prison. I want somebody to come and get us out. You're not in the cell. Oh. Wait, we're not in the cell. We're just in the, just hanging out outside the cell. Yeah, you let her out of the cell.
Starting point is 00:41:36 She bit you, one of you, more of you maybe, none of you maybe. It sounded like one of us got bit. It sounded like one of us got bit. Wow, cheering for nobody. It sounded like it. Wow, cheering for nobody. It sounds like Ian. Uh, and yeah, so you wake up, and, uh, somebody kicks open the door, and it's the sheriff, and he says,
Starting point is 00:41:52 What in tarnation has happened here? He sees blood on the ground. He sees werewolf fur everywhere. He goes, Oh, no. Oh, no. It done happened again. Zero or one or two, you got turned into a werewolf. We got to figure out which one of you is the werewolf before the night comes. Because otherwise that werewolf is going to eat us all.
Starting point is 00:42:21 Okay. And there are things in the town that can maybe help or hurt your ability to find the werewolf Can we just like stay awake and fight it? We're pretty good at it We're like level 15 Hey, you got any coffee here? We could just kick this werewolf's ass Werewolves are super strong in this town
Starting point is 00:42:35 Okay But wait, wait If one of the werewolves is us, I don't want to kick one of your asses Do you know what I mean? Is there like a werewolf Wait, what do you mean? You don't want to fight a werewolf if you can't find a werewolf? I don't want to fight my friends.
Starting point is 00:42:48 Is there a, all right, I re- Okay. No, I mean, hey, you pussy. Hayden, Hayden, Hayden. What? Excuse me, sir. I thought we were all thinking. Excuse me, sir.
Starting point is 00:42:57 I thought we were all thinking. I may not know who the werewolf is, but I know who the misogynist is, sir, and I think you are a good take. Buddy, buddy, buddy, Henry. Hayden doesn't resort well to negative feedback. Just wait. What?
Starting point is 00:43:09 Hey, Peyton, buddy, buddy. That wasn't Peyton. Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of that pussy. Peyton, remember we gave you a list, and I said of all the words you could say, you could choose ten of them? Yes. And we gave you that list of ten words you could say.
Starting point is 00:43:23 Now, was that word you just said, was it on that list? Or was it on the list of no-no words? It's on the list of no-no words. Okay. Maybe you want to use one of your other words next time. That's right. Only I'm allowed to say that word. You fucking cunt! Okay. I gave you that one. Remember? Yes. Okay. You can use that one all you want.
Starting point is 00:43:40 Thanks, cucky. Okay. Hey, dude, it's cluck. Like a rooster. Remember when we talked about... Not like that, it's cluck. Like a rooster, remember? No, it's not. You fucking cuck. So, the sheriff goes, Oh, boy. I can't handle this. I'm just going to go ahead and run away.
Starting point is 00:43:56 You can't handle this. You're the sheriff. This is your building, man. Hey, don't just give me the star. In the distance, you hear, All cops are bastards. Hey, bud, if you're leaving, can I take the star? Yeah, please take it.
Starting point is 00:44:07 Yeah, give me your outfit so that you might think that you're a dog, the bounty hunter, and I will think that I'm the sheriff. I look, do I look good in this? I mean, you look... I'm the sheriff now of this town. Anthony, can I roll perception
Starting point is 00:44:19 and see who's the werewolf? We all roll perception to see? Yeah, I'm gonna roll perception. Everybody roll perception. I got natural 20. I got a natural 22! What? What?
Starting point is 00:44:29 What? I got an assisted 20. 16 plus 4. So what I'm gonna say is because you got a natural 20, both Beth and Matt, you get to look at each other's cards.
Starting point is 00:44:41 Wow. Don't mind if I do. What's up, Matt? Hey, cards. Wow. Don't mind if I do. What's up, man? Hey, hey. Boom. Doing a podcast. He just left him hanging. He was trying to go for another one, but that's fine.
Starting point is 00:44:53 I'm so sorry. Let's look at this. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting indeed. Devastating. All right. That was cruel, Beth.
Starting point is 00:45:15 I know, because Freddie did it to me last week and I still think about it. So, look, so you guys seem like you've got a vibe on each other now. Like, what, so are either of you the werewolf? Maybe. What? The sheriff says, look, I'm out of here. The merchant, there is some weaponry that's got silver crossbow bolts and stuff.
Starting point is 00:45:37 And then there's also, I guess, a potion that some people say cures werewolfism. But also, if you give it to somebody that's not a werewolf, they die. Oh, but if someone knows they're a werewolf, why don't we just give them the potion, and then they're not a werewolf anymore? Oh, that sounds like a good idea. Because werewolves don't want to be found out for the purposes of the... Okay! I literally wrote a note here that said, figure out why the werewolf doesn't
Starting point is 00:45:58 want to just admit it. I mean, don't you think we could all drink this potion? The last line of this is, the werewolf doesn't want to be found out? I mean, we could all just drink a potion. Yeah, uh... No, you can't, because if you do,
Starting point is 00:46:14 anybody's not a werewolf dies. It's poison to non-werewolves. Oh! I've just got an idea. What if we call it Gatorade, and then somebody who likes Gatorade would maybe drink that and then...
Starting point is 00:46:29 Yeah. These aren't alligators, man. It's werewolves. Oh, yeah. Wait a second, Ron. Why did you bring up Gatorade? Um, I just... Because... What's going on, Ron? Daryl, could you meet me over here back in the cell real quick?
Starting point is 00:46:49 Sure. Just for a private one-on-one conversation. It's cool. I'd like lean up against the cell, like on the door. The silver bars of the cell? Ouch. You guys got to clean these rusty bars. Daryl. You guys gotta clean these rusty bars. What's up? What's up, Henry?
Starting point is 00:47:10 I just, I can't notice that your arm is sizzling on the... Are you okay? Hey, I've been working. I mean, thanks, bud. I mean, you are. Look, you've been working out. I'm proud of you. I appreciate it. But you are also, you seem a little furrier than usual. You're exuding a
Starting point is 00:47:27 more sort of, I don't know how to say this, just a more wolf-like aura. Hey, Henry, can I talk to you in the cell? Henry, can I talk to you in the cell? Yeah, what's up? Henry, I don't recommend talking to Daryl one-on-one. Daryl, give it to me straighter. Do you know Werewolf?
Starting point is 00:47:45 Hey, Henry? Yeah? I think. Yeah? You can tell me. You can tell me what's going on. You can tell me, buddy. It's okay.
Starting point is 00:47:53 It's okay. I just don't know who I am anymore. We're going to find out together. Because all I want to do is eat you. Oh! Um. And. Oh! Um! And, oh. I mean, you know,
Starting point is 00:48:09 Mercedes and I are open to that if that's something you want. I've been trying to find a way to work it out, but that that would be so good if I could just eat both of you, that would be great. I mean, I can ask her.
Starting point is 00:48:29 No, I don't. I call Mercedes. Hello, mi amor. Hey, mi esposa, mi león, mi corazón. What's up? So, you know that thing we talked about with Daryl? Yes! What's up?
Starting point is 00:48:43 So, you know that thing we talked about with Daryl? Yes! Oh, my. Henry! Henry! Henry! She's running around the audience doing that. Hey, um, Henry, I'm... I knew you were right back. Hey, hey, um, Ron, can I talk to you in a different cell?
Starting point is 00:49:03 What? What's going on? I'll be, no, that's okay. I'm just going to talk to Ron really quick Okay Daryl just don't get too close Cause uh Cause we're men And men don't get too close What am I kidding I know that men can get just as close as anybody else
Starting point is 00:49:21 Peyton says They're just really bad at it Peyton says Now I know you all seem pretty sure close as anybody else. They're just really bad at it. Peyton says, now I know you all seem pretty sure about who the werewolf is, but don't forget there was a robber, so that person might actually be the werewolf and the other one might not be. Because you didn't look at your own card afterward. You only got to see other people's
Starting point is 00:49:38 cards. Hey, Ron? Yeah, Peyton, shut the fuck up, man. Did you fucking tell me to shut up, you cuck? He said the word again. That's the word he can say. He can say that one. It's on Ron's list of no-no words. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:55 Ron, I think you saw all of me. Yes, I do. I do, Daryl. You've seen me in a way that nobody else has but I was gonna tell Henry it and I think he took it in a different way I didn't understand what he was saying at first but the way his wife responded
Starting point is 00:50:20 I think I just don't know who I am anymore that's fair do you think I'm just don't know who I am anymore. That's fair, that's fair. Do you think I'm a werewolf? I thought I was because I really just wanted to eat you all. But then Peyton said, baby, I wasn't.
Starting point is 00:50:35 And he's right about a lot of things. That's right, baby. Well, I just... You're the only one who's seen me. I know what I see in front of me you know and it's pretty hard to tell Henry comes out of the cell hanging up the phone like okay I'll call you later
Starting point is 00:50:54 so let's see how it goes hey I need to buy some stuff yeah yeah yeah Henry I'm with you we should go buy some stuff I need to go buy some stuff so Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to the merchant. I'm with you. We should go buy some stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to go buy some stuff, so I'm going to go to the merchant,
Starting point is 00:51:09 but it also seemed like there might be a cure for whatever. I think there's a werewolf thing going on. That was a little while ago. So get some forks and then a plate and then maybe some salt. For? Okay. Because he's going to eat gonna He's gonna eat you
Starting point is 00:51:27 Did you tell him? What? No, I told him I didn't tell him anything I said I'm a werewolf You're a werewolf? I knew it I thought I was It's off He's a werewolf
Starting point is 00:51:40 He's a werewolf and you're saying it's off? Hold on. Roll for if you're Team Jacob or Team Edward. Look, I thought I was, because I just really wanted to eat you all, but now Peyton's saying maybe I'm not, and then Ron really looked deep into me and saw something, so now I'm just asking Ron if he thinks I'm a werewolf.
Starting point is 00:52:03 I definitely think you are. Okay. Yeah, I'm just going to go ahead thinks I'm a werewolf. I definitely think you are. Okay. Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and say I have very, very strong feelings about... Well, I'm gonna go pick up that werewolf cure, and... That'd be nice. If I could just have the cure, that would just solve everything, right? So you head into the merchant's, and you see the merchant has a bunch of crossbows trained on the door, and he goes, no one's getting
Starting point is 00:52:20 in here. I heard there's a bunch of werewolf sympathizer out there. I destroyed the cure. You destroyed the cure. You destroyed the cure? But maybe if you're lucky, you can remake it if you kill me and do some other stuff to pad out the time of this. I cast Charm Person on you. God damn it!
Starting point is 00:52:43 We're rolling hard indeed. That's not you. Charm Person's a really basic spell, dude. That's a level one spell. You should know about it. Whoa! Is it a saving throw for... We gotta get on a tour bus with this guy later, man. You can't throw the puzzle hard, bro.
Starting point is 00:52:55 So is it a saving throw for me? Hold on, I have to get the spell. It's really big, it's a spell wheel. Shit, where is it? You know, it's a wisdom saving throw. Just roll a dice and say a number, it's a spell wheel Shit, where is it? You know, it's a wisdom saving throw Just roll the dice and say the number, it's okay You got a natural 20 I can verify, I verified the natural 20
Starting point is 00:53:17 That's an 05 OZ It's an OZ OZ, that's a weird Which is short for zero. It's a zero. He goes, your charms ain't gonna work on me, werewolf lover. Shit.
Starting point is 00:53:31 I'm gonna roll stealth. Yeah. To do what? We'll switch our clothes. See? Stay. You think that you're the dog, the bounty hunter. But I know... That's a 9 plus 11.
Starting point is 00:53:52 Not... Oh, whoa. Anthony, I've got a quick question. I'm never gonna forget that rule. I've got a quick question about the actual mechanics of Werewolf really quick. Hold on. Will made a 9-11 joke? Oh, no. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:54:04 We get one per show, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. It would have been worse. They would have done a worse one. I'm trying to get out of here with the least...
Starting point is 00:54:13 Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're doing better 9-11 jokes each night of the tour. So that's it. We're starting here. They're a little bit riskier every night. Yes, yes. What is your question? So, my question is, does the
Starting point is 00:54:27 robber get to look at everybody's cards before switching? The robber gets to look at one person's card and then take it and they become that thing. And then the other person who used to be... Yeah, okay, you're the fucking... You saw my card. You're the fucking, yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:42 Okay, yeah. And you're a villager. Hey, hey, hey, nobody needs Ron. Nobody needs to know that I was a villager. Oh, sorry, Ron. Ron, you're the mayor. You're the mayor. It takes a lot of talent to sell this role as villager. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:59 You know, I don't get to do as cool stuff as the rest of the boys did. But I'm just happy to be here. Hey, hey, I talked to the... Wait, wait, how about best role? Oh, yeah, yeah. What happened? What was the role?
Starting point is 00:55:18 Oh, it was 20. Yes, it was a 20. I was... No, it was a 9 plus 11. It was a 9 plus 11, yeah. Oh, that equals 20. Okay, you know what? All 11. Oh, that equals 20. Okay, you know what?
Starting point is 00:55:26 All right. This is why I do podcasting and not math. I'm going to say... Basic addition. And not basic math. You have to access by yourself. I'm going to say that's not good enough to run into a room that's covered in crossbows pointed at the door,
Starting point is 00:55:41 take off all of your clothes, take off all of his clothes, switch your clothes with his clothes, and then make him think that he is you. Oh, no. Oh, the people have spoken. All right, roll again. Roll it again.
Starting point is 00:56:07 There was no number high enough that I was going to let that happen. If it was a 10 or higher, I would have let it happen. Well, guess what? It's a 3 or lower. The fact that I couldn't even get in. If you miss your dice tray, that's an automatic one. This is the second time that I've had a pretty bad idea and that the audience has given me inspiration and that I've just let everybody down.
Starting point is 00:56:35 Okay, let's get back into this. So is anybody trying to come in here and get a formula for the cure is going to get a bolt in the face? Well, I don't appreciate that, sir. I'm going, um... I've got a question. Can only werewolf eat people? No, you can eat people
Starting point is 00:56:52 if you want to. I'm gonna eat the sheriff. Yeah. Roll a melee attack. Wait, can I help? So all of a sudden, after the season's done, now Daryl's into throuples. Yep.
Starting point is 00:57:13 That's a 13 plus 7. Okay. What's up with us hitting the two of you? So he is going to, opposed, try to dodge your... I'm assuming you're just running at him with your fist up? No, I've got my teeth. All right, he's going to roll to attack you with his many, many crossbows.
Starting point is 00:57:33 That's an 11. That's going to hit you. My AC's 12, Biatch. Yeah, and he's got 15 crossbows pointed at the door. He's got a plus 10. I guess that's fair. Crossbow's pointed at the door. He's got a plus 10. I guess that's fair.
Starting point is 00:57:53 All right, so he hits you three times with Crossbow. I'm going to cast Spirit Shield because I support. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Okay. And I'm going to reduce that damage by 4d6. Okay, roll 4d6, please. Three so far.
Starting point is 00:58:08 There we go. Eight, nine. All right, so you take 22 damage. That's okay. I got like 152. Yeah. Beth, pretend like you have way less health. Okay, sorry.
Starting point is 00:58:21 I'm in danger. Ron, buddy, are you okay? No. Don't worry, you'll make it home to your wife. You'll be okay. Okay, that's great. So yeah, the crossbow bolts hit you in the chest and push you backward out the door,
Starting point is 00:58:38 and you fall back into the village square. I'm going to charge him, too. Okay. How do I do that? I'm going to do him too. Okay. How do I do that? I'm going to do the barbarian thing. I'm going to cast rage and just do three attacks, you know, that stuff. I don't like how racist he is
Starting point is 00:58:53 against werewolves. Okay, great. Yeah. Oh no, that's not a good roll. That's a two. That's just my first of three. I stumble out the door. Your first attack whiffs completely. It first of three. Yeah. So your first... I stumble out the door. Yeah. Your first attack whiffs completely. It's a three.
Starting point is 00:59:08 Oh, no. Your second attack whiffs slightly less completely. Yeah, I mean, it would be hard if you were used to four legs going to two legs. That would be a hard transition. So, yeah. I stumble the second I'm double checking on Ron. I'm like, Ron, you okay? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:20 Okay. I know where I got one more chance. I mean, no. No. And then a ten. Right, that one hits more chance. I mean, no. No. And then a 10. Right, that one hits him. That one you clock it. What do you do to this guy? He's behind his countertop.
Starting point is 00:59:33 He's got his arms. I want to do a grapple. I just want to hold him. I'd be like, all right, Ron. Now you want to fight back? Now you want to fight back? Eat away. Okay, I'm going to whip my teeth out.
Starting point is 00:59:42 I mean, they're in my mouth permanently that's a 7 plus 7 you have advantage because he has grappled so roll again that's a 10 plus 7 I think you managed to bite him directly in his jugular
Starting point is 01:00:04 oh yeah I whisper I think you managed to bite him directly in his jugular. Oh, yeah. I whisper, I know you know what's the ironic part. I'm the werewolf. That's a normal human. That's eating you. Pretty weird way to die, buddy. What the fuck?
Starting point is 01:00:17 Really? What the fuck? Hey, does anybody have faba beans in a nice Chianti? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it?
Starting point is 01:00:24 Do you get it? Oh, wait, buddy, before you die, how do you make the potion? I'll never tell you. It's gotta be his blood, right? I drink his blood. Whoa. Henry, I think I figured out who the werewolf is. You see,
Starting point is 01:00:41 you see, this whole time, I've been disguising my intent, observing, you know, figuring shit out. Glenn, what are you saying? I'm either
Starting point is 01:00:53 Ron, but Daryl for sure, but maybe... Daryl's a werewolf. We've established that, dude. Ah, I see your one
Starting point is 01:01:00 step ahead. Wait, wait, wait. Peyton goes, you made a good point. There could be two of them. I don't know about that, Payton, but like... Look at me, Payton. Look at me. What?
Starting point is 01:01:09 You a werewolf, man? You tell me. No. You gotta tell the truth, Payton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's way too disappointed in the fact that he isn't. You gotta be so fucking psyched if I'm a werewolf. You be so psyched if I'm a werewolf. I want it so badly to be the werewolf. You have no fucking idea. Hey, here's an idea. Listen. Hey, guys.
Starting point is 01:01:25 Dad, dad, dad. What's up? May I end on this one? No, no, no. Not you. Go look at the crossbows. Look. Look, Nathan.
Starting point is 01:01:35 Look. Ah. You never let me do anything, you cucks. Hey. Hey. We should add another word to the no-no list. Hey, Daryl. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:47 Werewolf Daryl. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I figured it out. Listen, hey, what if you just like transform Peyton a little bit? Let the kid run around and, you know, go feral for a while. Are you saying let Peyton become a werewolf? Does that work?
Starting point is 01:02:00 Yeah. I grab a leaf and I call Aaron O'Neal. You call Aaron O'Neal on a leaf? Yeah. Aaron O'Neal picks up the leaf and goes, Yeah, what is it? Hey, what's up, Aaron? So I became a werewolf?
Starting point is 01:02:14 You're a werewolf? Yeah. Yeah, Glenn figured it out. Glenn figured it out? That's right. I gotta ask. Are you into threesomes now? What? Yeah,omes now? What?
Starting point is 01:02:27 I'm getting mixed signals over here, Daryl. I'm a werewolf. I don't know what is that. What is that? What are you guys? You keep saying the number three. I just don't, like,
Starting point is 01:02:36 what is this? All right. You're one of the rare types that aren't into threesomes after turning into a werewolf. That's good. I could be if I knew what it was. I don't know what this is.
Starting point is 01:02:45 I lean over and whisper the definition of a threesome into Daryl's ear. Do it! I'm whispering. Can you just say this to everybody? So Daryl, a threesome is like when you don't have sex. Yeah? You don't have sex normally.
Starting point is 01:03:11 I don't want to say normally. Yeah, come on. I don't mean normally, but you know how sex... Me and Carol have been having some terrible times, but we still... Sometimes, most... Just a lot of sex is between two people. Mm-hmm. Two people that love each other.
Starting point is 01:03:23 Two people that love, yeah. Always. Always, sure, or sometimes. It's the sanctity of marriage. It's the sanctity of marriage. I know, it's the best expression of love
Starting point is 01:03:30 you could possibly have. Well, imagine how much better it would be if there was a third person involved. Like, wait, what are they doing? The Holy Spirit, my man. Henry, I didn't know you were a believer.
Starting point is 01:03:48 Usually I try to... Well, Eric O'Neill, I'm proud to say I am into threesomes. Henry, text me. I'm going to say this is definitely off. And I just want to know if I could get Peyton a little, like, like a little test of what it's like to be a werewolf. Oh, you want to make him a werewolf? Yeah, fuck it.
Starting point is 01:04:08 Go for it. How do you do that? You just bite him. Oh. Hey, Peyton, bud. Wait, can we turn it back, though? I mean, you'd have to make a cure. How do you do that?
Starting point is 01:04:16 Okay, oh, so we should search his pockets for, you know, the cure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy might have a cure. It would be a lot easier if I was wearing those pockets. Now that he's dead, you can very easily switch clothes with him. You can take his clothes
Starting point is 01:04:30 if you want. No, I won't. I search his pockets. You find a note that says 80085. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Turn it upside down. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 01:04:44 It's Sabbube. Sbube. Who's Sbube? Some sort of... We have Sbarro on Earth. Wait, how's that cure, though? You also find a diagram pointing out the cure. And it says a werewolf has to kiss someone of the same age
Starting point is 01:04:59 and the same gender. All right. Hey, Henry. Yes, I smooched Daryl. I smooched Henry. Fine. That's the cure, huh? That's the cure?
Starting point is 01:05:15 Oh, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Just a quick question. Just a quick question. They do do it. They do do it. I want you to... The two of them have a great kiss. You guys said do-do.
Starting point is 01:05:24 I do need to know. I do need to know. What do you guys say right afterwards? You good? I feel like me again. That's good. A good kiss always does that. That's it. That's all. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, everyone! Ride safe! is our content producer. Ashton Nicolai is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor.
Starting point is 01:06:05 Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Season two will continue on January 16th. We also managed to recover all of our merch inventory for those of you following along that drama. So keep an ear out for the relaunch of our merch store. Not that soon. It's a lot of work to do.
Starting point is 01:06:19 For the video of this live show, as well as all of our live shows and a bunch of extra bonus content, head to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.