Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 10 - Dads Don't Do Other Dads Dirty

Episode Date: June 4, 2019

Glenn and Nick flee, with the other dads in close pursuit. Henry loses his cool, Darryl loses his cool, Glenn tries to stay cool, and Ron is now, suddenly, cool.This episode contains profanity, violen...ce, drug/alcohol use, and violence towards children.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 We can wait for clean water solutions, or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures, or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth, or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. silent night on kdnd and that was dadheim steamroller off the record christmas bangers and mash which is just a great live album one of my favorites favorites, really. Interesting story about the recording of that track, which happened during a battle of the
Starting point is 00:01:08 bands outside of Waterdeep. Supposedly, the crowd loved that song so much that opposing guitarist Glenn Close stole Dathom's steamroller drummer Daryl Wilson's minivan and just fled the scene with his son Nick Close, which means we'll never know what they were going to play. But in the end, we got an all-time classic and a very unique vocal performance from lead vocalist Ron Stampler. If you ask me, I'd say it was well worth it. KD&D, the weather coming at you at the top of the hour, but first, I have one more for you before I sign off. This is All Right by Maxton Waller. welcome to dungeons and daddies not a bdsm podcast it's kind of a bdsm podcast about four dads from our world flung into the forgotten realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons my name is freddie wong and i play rock cover band dad and bard glenn close and my dad
Starting point is 00:02:13 fact this week is this because we were trying to figure out what the heck the glenn close trio plays and i finally figured it out how is glenn a touring musician all over the place, been around the world, and also not really that famous. The Glenn Close Trio plays jazz fusion Christmas music. Oh my gosh. Like a certain steamroller by the name of Mannheim. And they do weddings in the off season. And when I say they played Bonnaroo, no joke, this year at Bonnaroo,
Starting point is 00:02:40 there's going to be a Christmas tent where they're going to play Christmas music. So that's like where they could have done it. That's so wholesome I love it and so then Ron singing Silent Night is such a betrayal of Glenn's musical thing in the face of Christmas cheer
Starting point is 00:02:56 he had one thing you took it from him exactly so that's my dad fact this week does that mean that Glenn was never home for Christmas for Nick? oh shit yeah it was always presents in absentia that's brutal Does that mean that Glenn was never home for Christmas for Nick? Oh, shit. Yeah, it was always presents in absentia. That's brutal.
Starting point is 00:03:08 That's brutal. That's heavy duty. I just always gave your son a Christmas album. With a joint in it. It was like an album, and then it was just like, here's the new drugs. The new drugs. Trying to be a cool dad. That's a stocking stuffer for you. Hi, my name is Matthew Arnold.
Starting point is 00:03:24 I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's a barbarian in the World of Forgotten Realms, I guess. Little dad fact about Daryl Wilson. So last year, he had his 15 minutes of fame
Starting point is 00:03:35 at one of Carol's employee or worker events. All the women at the work were giggling and kind of pointing at him and laughing and he was wondering what was going on.
Starting point is 00:03:44 And he found out he was on the hot Instagram account called Dil kind of pointing at him and laughing and he was wondering what was going on and he found out he was on the hot Instagram account called Dilfs of Disneyland. What? Is that a thing? It's a real thing. He was so excited he could not stop bragging about it but as I said it was 15 minutes
Starting point is 00:03:58 of fame because then he found out that he was just in the background while on the photos and they were all laughing at him because they were saying that dad is a little fat. Oh. Wow. No, you'll always be a dilf to me.
Starting point is 00:04:11 This story took so many turns. How long did it take you to come up with that? That was a three-act fucking story. It's a real thing. It's a real thing. I was with my wife. She brought up Dilfs of Disneyland.
Starting point is 00:04:21 I thought it was the funniest thing ever. And I was like, oh, yeah, clearly Daryl's a dilf, but not really a dilf. And then I was like, oh, Dilf, dad is a little fat. I was like, yeah, that's probably what happened. Holy shit. That's really good. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. And I was like, oh, yeah, clearly Daryl, like Daryl's a Dilf, but not really a Dilf. And then I was like, oh, Dilf, dad is a little fat. I was like, yeah, that's probably what happened. Holy shit. Oh, it's an ad for Dilf.
Starting point is 00:04:30 Yeah, yeah. All the women at the work were actually like, huh, your husband is a dad who's a little fat. He's just in the background with this photo. But here's the thing. Like, dad bods are dad bods. The fucking deep lore. So it's like, if you're one Dilf, aren't you inherently both? A Dilf is a Dilf, you might say.
Starting point is 00:04:44 Yeah. That's what I thought. Cause at first I was like, oh yeah, Daryl would belong there. But then I looked at that Instagram account. It's like, everybody's a bodybuilder. It's like, if you ever want to feel like really wholesome, but really like hot as hell. Like, yeah, that's where you go. Wholesome pics of buff dads with their kids.
Starting point is 00:05:01 Yeah. I cannot believe that both of those acronyms mean the same thing. That's the cruelest thing I've ever heard in my life uh what's up everyone i'm will campos i play henry oak uh granola munchin nature loving birkenstock rocking uh hippie druid dad and uh that's my thing that's my whole my whole get up this week's fun fact for henry uh is why you know i told you guys last week that his favorite drink is a cold glass of water. I'll never forget. Henry's second favorite drink.
Starting point is 00:05:30 Oh, man. Room temperature glass of water. Oh, God. So, like, worst case scenario, the glass warms up. Hey, man. Hey, still pretty good. Still pretty good. Doing fine.
Starting point is 00:05:41 I think Henry Oak is probably has is living the best life out of all of us. I think it's very clear at home. You know, he really believes in hydration. I think Henry Oak is probably living the best life out of all of us. I think it's very clear at home. You know, he really believes in hydration. I'll say that. Henry Oak is the most functional human being amongst you, I think. Oh, for sure. Absolutely. Oh, wait, never mind. Ron is. And now for the least functional human being. My name is Beth
Starting point is 00:06:00 May. I'm not functional. I play Ron Stampler, emotionally stunted stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron, his middle name is F. It's the letter F. Just the letter F? Just Ron F. Stampler? Yeah, probably what happened was he saw, you know,
Starting point is 00:06:23 Ronald F. Stampler written somewhere like on a birth certificate or something or like you know some sort of document and then just never really concluded that it might stand for something and it probably doesn't. Does Ron not know his parents? Did he never ask his parents what that means? He definitely
Starting point is 00:06:39 knows his parents and I think that's why he didn't ask Oh fuck that's dark that's really dark. Oh that's why he didn't ask. Oh, fuck. That's dark. That's really dark. Oh, that's some heavy duty stuff. Alright. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. Some people have talked about this podcast and been like,
Starting point is 00:06:54 oh, cool, I'm not really into Dungeons & Dragons, but I like this podcast. If you like this podcast, you're not into Dungeons & Dragons. That's not what we do. We're posers. This is just people jerking off in a room and recording it. But if you want to get into role-playing stuff, and D&D sounds a little bit intimidating,
Starting point is 00:07:09 I would look up the one-page RPGs by Grant Howitt on Google. There are a bunch of free ones. The Witch's Dead is my favorite. That's what I would recommend if you want to play something quick and easy with your friends. But yeah, let's pretend to be wizards. All right. All right. Paint us a picture, Daddy Master.
Starting point is 00:07:23 wizards. All right. All right. All right. Paint us a picture, Daddy Master. Nick Close and his father, Glenn, are speeding along in the Honda Odyssey toward the big old city of Waterdeep. What are you feeling right now? What are you doing right now, Glenn? I think I'm trying to, I'm driving and I'm trying to keep the thing on the road because we are not in paved road territory. And I think I'm a little bit conflicted to keep the thing on the road because we are not in paved road territory. And I think I'm a little bit conflicted, honestly, because on one hand, I finally found my son. We're hanging out and we're just having a good time. And on the other hand, I do feel a little bit guilty about leaving the rest of the dads behind. So I'm going to I'm going to talk to him like, hey, Nick, Red Brands are.
Starting point is 00:08:05 Well, I guess they won the battle of the bands huh i guess yeah they're they're okay right the other guys they're gonna be fine right uh you your friends yeah well i mean they pretended to be red brand so i think if anybody's gonna be safe it's gonna be them i think the water mice like half of them might end up getting kind of a little slaughtered, but your shitty friends should be fine. Dang, that's pretty harsh, man. That's what they did by deciding to do the greatest rendition of Silent Night that any human
Starting point is 00:08:34 being has ever listened to. That was on them. That's a good point, man. Forget about them. This is the Ron and Nick show now. The Ron and Nick? Oh, shit. I'm ready for the show. show now. Hey, so. The Ron and Nick? Yeah. It's what?
Starting point is 00:08:46 Oh, shit. I'm ready for the show. They want an encore, everybody. They want me back on stage. I take it back. That fucking crazy ass vocalist got in my head so hard. A good performance stays with you. It's just like echoing around. What is that?
Starting point is 00:09:01 Sorry. This is the Glenn and Nick show. And I think your idea that you had of like flipping this shit, like I still have a bunch of those drugs in the backseat. I know this. When we were making those bundles, I noticed you were, what's the- Sequestering a few away. What's the cool drug term for-
Starting point is 00:09:17 What are you looking at me for? I'm just saying- Will, the druggiest drug doer of all of us. Was it Chifin? What is it when you like hog a joint? You keistered it. I know that might not be the right word in this context. That means something
Starting point is 00:09:30 else. Don't tell him. I was trying to lead him down the primrose path. You Birkenstock it. Yeah, you Birkenstock it. I Birkenstocked up. I noticed you were Birkenstocking up on those joints. I may have had a feeling we were going to be able to get away in a sort of situation not entirely dissimilar from what we got going on right now. But I think... Really really you foresaw this.
Starting point is 00:09:46 I mean, I figured at some point they were going to do something stupid. I would find a way for us to sort of get away and like, everything's working out great. So I feel like what we got to do is we can get to water deep, find like the first empire having drug Lord, and then just offload this stuff. Cause as far as I know,
Starting point is 00:10:02 nobody in water deep has ever gotten any of this particular strain of cush. Like, it's gonna blow their gourds. So you're saying we gotta find a guy, and we can be a sort of supplier. We can be the Colombians in this sort of equation if we were to kind of match it up with the U.S. and South America drug
Starting point is 00:10:18 trade. Is that what you're saying? Yes. Yes. We could be like those guys that killed Scarface at the end of Scarface. That's right! Because if there's any moral I got from Scarface, it's that doing drugs is fine so long as you're the other guys and not Scarface. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Scarface.
Starting point is 00:10:29 Don't be Scarface. The whole movie's a warning about how you shouldn't be Scarface because he dies. But you know who doesn't die? The guys that kill Scarface. The guys that kill Scarface. His little friend.
Starting point is 00:10:40 And then they found the city of Miami. I'm a little hazy on the details of that movie. I definitely feel like I got the basic theme of it. But like, yeah. Do you like that plan? I dig it. Do you have any connections, any leads in terms of who we might go? Or do we just kind of start driving around and digging around some of the shady quarters?
Starting point is 00:10:55 I feel like we drive around and use our natural like criminal aptitude to sort of see what's what. Because like I'm a kid. I don't know if they'll trust me. I feel like maybe you can like get in there and just sort of start talking to people. Just using your natural like band leader charisma kind of stuff. We can sort of suss it out. We can feel it out. All right.
Starting point is 00:11:09 Hey, how far? You know the lay of this land a little bit better. How far away were we from Waterdeep right now? Oh, we're right here. It's right around this corner. Anthony has no other content planned until we get to the thing. You guys got there real fast. We get there pretty much whenever.
Starting point is 00:11:22 Wow, look at that. And there it is. Hey. The glittering lights of Waterdeep. So Waterdeep is... I guess it'd be morning now, right? Wouldn't it? Yeah, it's morning.
Starting point is 00:11:30 So the morning sun crests over the docks of Waterdeep, which is where the city gets its name from. This is mainly a port city, and you can see a lot of very haggard-looking people, a lot of smugglers, a lot of shippers, people that just work in shipping, sailors. That's what you call them. And fan fiction. And fan fiction.
Starting point is 00:11:45 It's a fan fiction trade in Waterdeep. Used to show up in Waterdeep. Meanwhile, back at the camp at the Battle of the Bands between the Red Brands and the Watermice, the entire crowd is embracing each other, crying, they're so happy. People are throwing flowers at Ron
Starting point is 00:12:02 Stampler. Drug flowers? Oh, yeah. I mean, if you want to use them as drugs, you can. But they're just so enamored with your performance. I feel like people would be trying to chant his name but not know what it is. What's your name? What's your name? They go, what's your name?
Starting point is 00:12:17 What's your name? What do you tell them? Wait, hi. They go, hi, hi, hi, hi. I'm Ron. Oh, Ron. Okay, so they start. I'm Ron. Hi, I'm Ron. Hi, I, hi, hi. I'm Ron. Oh, Ron. Okay, so they start. Hi, I'm Ron.
Starting point is 00:12:27 Hi, I'm Ron. Hi, I'm Ron. Hi, I'm Ron. The entire stadium starts chanting. Do you hear that, Henry? They're chanting my name. They sure are, buddy. You really hit it out of the park there.
Starting point is 00:12:36 I'm so proud of you. Yeah, I got these pipes, and now they all want them. Yeah, the whole world. They want these pipes. They want your pipes. It's really exciting. I am a little worried that we were supposed to lose. As happy as I am that this performance was so good.
Starting point is 00:12:53 And if my eyes didn't mistake me, I feel like I saw our good buddy Glenn and his son Nick hightail it out of here in quite a jiffy. My cell phone is in the minivan. The books we need to return or we die are in the minivan. Our library books. What are we? Who cares? That was a beautiful silent.
Starting point is 00:13:09 I don't want to take anything away from you, Ron. It was a beautiful silent night. But one of our dads just took the minivan. Daryl, just real quick, I want to tell Daryl about some breathing exercises. Oh, go ahead. That we learned about on a nature wilderness retreat. Okay. When I'm feeling a little flustered, what I like to do is just like a deep breath
Starting point is 00:13:26 in, and then you just go, You're a bear, Daryl. You're a bear. Okay, yeah. You can throw that in there, too. Anyway. Let's do this. Henry, I can't believe you thought that we were supposed to lose. With pipes ordained
Starting point is 00:13:42 by the heavens, these pipes I could never lose. I wish you had told us that before we did this. Sampler pipes, full heart, can't lose. It's not Ron's fault. It's not Ron's fault. It's my fault. I should have known.
Starting point is 00:13:55 There's literally no way not to do Silent Night perfectly. It is just the most beautiful song in the world. That's true. I shouldn't have chosen it. You know, I think the main... It's not the song. It's the pipes. MPAA sort of butts into your conversation. It goes, it's definitely the world. That's true. I shouldn't have chosen it. You know, I think the man, it's not the song. It's the pipes. MPAA sort of butts into your conversation. It goes,
Starting point is 00:14:13 it's definitely the pipes. That song. It's fine. But you, you kid, you've got a career in this. He says, pointing at Ron, what say you stick with me and we take the show on the road? Whoa, whoa, whoa. We've already had one dad abandoned the party today. We're sort of already a unit. and i thought you should all come you guys seem great my plan is we just kill half of these water mice and then you guys join me as my lieutenants you could be you rule the red brands with me i was just wondering if a lieutenant is a promotion oh absolutely as you see i'm a businessman myself and so i'm looking for some sort of um business Your business seems to be pleasure and that is something that we are in dire need of.
Starting point is 00:14:48 You want my pleasure. Your voice gives pleasure to all these people. You've brought us all together. It's going to be really depressing when we kill about half of them. So I have a question about that. Yes, absolutely. Hello, nice to meet you.
Starting point is 00:14:58 So about the pleasure, it does feel like killing a lot of people is like, it's not like a very pleasurable thing to do. Oh no, yeah, it's just a necessity. we don't have enough food to house all the water mines oh it's like using the fax machine you just gotta do it but it's not pleasurable sure the thing you said and in the in the back you hear the other uh musicians that you tied up weeping to themselves because they've also lost their gigs because they lost their gigs because you were so good they will never get their jobs back and they're like this works for us in a way that we never
Starting point is 00:15:27 could have presumed yeah we are so utterly humiliated that base player utterly so into this he's turgid sir mpa what do you say on the road do you have some sort of vehicle uh we got horses yeah okay dad huddle okay dad huddle sorry we're we're dads we're gonna do a quick dad huddle we gotta discuss the name of your band the srb is called dads we're dad huddle. Okay. Dad huddle. Sorry. We're, we're, we're dad's. We're just going to do a quick dad huddle. We got to discuss the name of your band. We're dad huddle. We're dad huddle. Great.
Starting point is 00:15:50 So good. Guys, we need to get that minivan ASAP. So yeah, let's take a 10,000 foot view for a second here. We are, I don't like heights. Okay. Well, we'll take a ground level view and then we're looking down onto the thing, but it's below ground. Do you know what I mean? Yes. So we're at normal level and thing but it's below ground do you know what i mean yes so we're at normal level and it's lower is that still a problem it's like the hollywood
Starting point is 00:16:09 bowl yes i could be playing the hollywood bowl okay focus though okay i'm focused okay so they left we don't know where they went they have our van we're trying to get our kids we definitely need to find that minivan i feel like that's probably our best shot at still rounding everybody up. Yeah, minivans are, it's got to be a pretty easy track. Like, there's not a lot of tracks that look like a minivan. What if I become world famous and you guys do your thing? And then Terry Jr. is so impressed because I'm world famous that he finds himself. That's a good idea, Ron.
Starting point is 00:16:44 Really quick. Put that idea. Well, let's come up with a couple of ideas. Let's do good idea, Ron. Really quick. Can we have a real idea? Well, let's come up with a couple of ideas. Let's do a quick real dad huddle. Do you mind, Ron, just a quick real dad huddle? Okay. We'll do it. We'll do it.
Starting point is 00:16:51 Hey, Henry. You see Lizzie Boy Scales McStuffins about to join your huddle, and then you say that, and he turns right back around. Oh, Lizzie Boy, get over here. Lizzie Boy, the status of your children, they're still your real kids. They're always in your heart. All right. Come over here.
Starting point is 00:17:03 Stepdads are real dads. It's just more of like a Okay, then I'm back in the huddle. Thanks, guys. Okay, hi, Ron. Lizard Boy's just hugging everybody. He's like, I'm so glad we feel so much closer
Starting point is 00:17:12 as a group now because of that song. Welcome to the real dad huddle, Ron. You are a real dad. I'm sorry. That's what I meant. I just meant I just wanted to reconfirm
Starting point is 00:17:19 that we're all real dads. I think it's a very good idea that Ron is going to become world famous as long as we we should play where Glenn is playing. I think if you want to play and if you want to be world famous, we got to make sure we don't die first. So we should get the.
Starting point is 00:17:31 That seems like a band problem and not a solo artist problem. But I got to admit, you guys have helped me out of some sticky situations. And it's only fair that I use my new world fame to give you an autograph or two and send you on your way. And I mean we'll hang out. We'll do a meet and greet. That's a good idea. Ron, I will say that playing drums
Starting point is 00:17:56 with your rendition of Silent Night was a high point of my life. I'm trying not to let it go to my head but I feel like everybody has just witnessed something downright religious. Ron? Yes?
Starting point is 00:18:09 And I put on my serious Henry voice, like when Lark and Sparrow are being even more horrible than usual, and it's time to turn it up to four from a three. I go, Ron, we let you into the real dad huddle because we see you as a real dad. You asked me if my dad dar went off when I saw you and it goes off like crazy. But you know what being a dad is about?
Starting point is 00:18:34 It's about putting your children first and it's about responsibility. And if you want to be a real dad to Terry, I'm sorry, mister, but you're going to have to put your rock and roll career on hold for just a second so that we can go find your son. Because if you really want to impress Terry Jr., you're going to show him that you love him by helping us find him. Ron turns back to the crowd who is screaming, hi, Ron. And started shouting and said, Terry, Terry, Terry. They start chanting along with you, not quite knowing why they're doing it.
Starting point is 00:19:09 Ron, that's a great idea. Maybe you've inspired this crowd so much, they can go look for your son. They can cast a wide net. Well, what if they find, oh, no, yeah. There's only one son to find. Oh, I mean, I guess all our sons. Find all of our sons.
Starting point is 00:19:23 Yeah, but. Well, Lizard Boy Scales Big 7 says, well, you know, Terry Jr. was in Rockport, right? You guys told me that. You know where he is. That's true. We do know he's in Rockport. Mr. MPA, we are so excited for this chance to do a great band, right? We're going to have a great band.
Starting point is 00:19:38 Here's a problem. You saw that minivan, that metal beast that drove away? Yeah, the behemoth thing? Yeah. We have like 40 songs that are even better than that song, but they're all inside that minivan. So we got to go get it. That rogue guy's trying to start his own band with all that great music.
Starting point is 00:19:51 We got to go get it. Our demo tapes, man. Yeah. Shit. Our master recordings. So if you could help us, we could go get that. But we got to go now
Starting point is 00:19:58 and you probably won't have time to kill everyone. Yeah. Really? But I really want to kill... Well, what do you want more, mister? You know, this is just like with my boys. I give them a choice. If you want to kill everybody, you can do that. But if you want to start a great rock and roll band that's going to change the world,
Starting point is 00:20:13 then we don't have time to do both. All right. Either one of you roll persuasion with advantage. I got an 18. He says, you know what? For today, art takes precedence over survival. You're right. We're going to we're going, we're gonna. He points to a lackey of his and he goes, fetch our fastest horses. We're going to Waterdeep. Alright, now we're gonna cut back to Waterdeep. All of Waterdeep is kind of a dockside district. It feels like everywhere
Starting point is 00:20:35 you look, there is something a little bit shady, a little bit back alley. I'm gonna look for a good dockside bar. A bar? Okay. Well, there is. Thanks to one of our Patreon subscribers, there is a sports pub chain named Bullywogs. Wait, what? A chain?
Starting point is 00:20:52 A chain? I love that's a chain. Yeah, it's a chain. You can tell that because above the neon sign, it just says, like, Waterdeep's brand new Bullywogs. That was from Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thank you, Ben.
Starting point is 00:21:07 What sports do they do at this sports bar? Probably all the usuals, right? How do they watch them? Is there like a portal that they scry through? They play sports in there. They got dog fighting. I know it was tough, but it's a forgotten realm. I have to assume that in addition to the usual sort of sports bar stuff,
Starting point is 00:21:23 i.e. cockfights and like you know uh underground fight clubs like their version of ufc what would ufc stand for unfortunate unfortunate foster children oh no why did you make it so dark that's what it is now yeah unfortunate foster children fighting to the death for your amusement. It's a tough world out there. Hey, man, this is a grim, dark reality. In addition to that, I feel like they got wizards making portals to the equivalent of soccer games. Do you want to go in? Yeah, of course, man.
Starting point is 00:21:56 It's a Bullywogs. This seems like a good friendly establishment. Probably got a good spinach cheese dip. So you kick open the western style doors to the Bullywogs and you see it is a large and very well lit bar. A surprisingly well lit bar. You kind of wish it wasn't because there is every
Starting point is 00:22:13 fluid imaginable on the floor. You're basically playing hopscotch to get around. Wet bar baby. Foster child tears. Foster child blood. Oh god. And in the center of the bar it's almost like a theater in the round type thing in the center
Starting point is 00:22:26 there is a sort of a stage no what's the word I'm looking for wrestling ring a ring an octagon there's an octagon
Starting point is 00:22:32 in the center of the bar can it be a 20 sided ring oh that's good it is a 20 sided ring and inside you see a battle royale
Starting point is 00:22:42 of five very small children all of whom have wands and cloaks and they are just like fucking pointing their wands at each other and explosions are coming out. A guy like summons just green tendrils of light out of his mouth and they come
Starting point is 00:22:54 and like encircle somebody and slam him down three times. Orphans are getting wheeled out in wheelbarrows all bloody and stuff and Cleric who is also an orphan is like touching them and healing them and being like get back in there. You gotta cut me, Mick. I find the guy writing this, I'm like, hey, what's the spread on the kid
Starting point is 00:23:10 on the wall? He goes, the long shot is definitely paid in. Basically, he's never been able to throw a single punch without knocking himself out. He's got the worst name of anybody I've ever seen. He rolls nothing but ones, as we say in the biz. What does that mean, in the biz? In the biz, basically
Starting point is 00:23:27 it's a move and a fight. You want to do a lot of ducking and rolling, a lot of dodging to keep your stamina in a good place while you're evading all these dodges. Very Dark Souls. He is very Dark Souls. Yeah. Dark Souls is also our second place fighter. It's a fighting style. It's a fighting style. You have Brazilian jiu-jitsu. They have chicken wings at Dark Souls.
Starting point is 00:23:44 They're our rival bar. Dark Souls is bullshit. Don't go there. I basically just sound like Bargy from Mission to Zix. But no, yeah. Peyton, when he rolls, he rolls right on his head every time, concusses himself. We call that rolling on the one. If you roll and get on your feet,
Starting point is 00:24:00 that's a 20 because the skill level goes from 0 to 20. 1 to 20. That's how we rank our dude. Are you done asking dumb questions now? All right. But the real bad boy, the real one that's going to destroy everybody, basically any time he steps in the ring, that's Gunna Duckworth. Gunna Duckworth.
Starting point is 00:24:18 Gunna Duckworth. Again, a suggestion from Samuel Trostle. Thank you, Samuel Trostle. Oh, my gosh. So we got Payden. We got Payden is the long shot. That's 100 to 1. And Gunner Duckworth is basically 1 to 1.
Starting point is 00:24:28 Everybody's scared to bet on him. You just get your money back. How old is Gunner? Gunner? He's a heap of 13 years old. He's at the top of his weight class. He's the heaviest lightweight you've ever seen. And Payden?
Starting point is 00:24:40 Payden is 8. Oh, no. I'd like to do a perception check on Peyton. Okay, go ahead. I'm 18. All right. You can see that Peyton... See the fire in his eyes.
Starting point is 00:24:52 Peyton has a fire in his eyes. He fights with the vigor of somebody who's trying to get back at someone who has long since died. He has all this vengeance and nowhere to put it. This is my perception for to see if he has the eye of the tiger. He definitely has the eye of the tiger. He has the eye of the tiger and the limbs of a tiger's meal. Like he is.
Starting point is 00:25:08 He is utterly helpless in the ring. He kind of just flops around. Now I have, if I recall, I believe I have three gold on me still. You do. I'm going to put all three on Payton. Okay. Hundred to one odds. Okay.
Starting point is 00:25:21 I hate Glenn right now. I hate that. I hate that Glenn's just betting on children fighting. Well, no, the cleric. We turned the wrong way for one second. Well, no, no, let me explain. Glenn is betting on child fights for sport. You don't have to justify Glenn.
Starting point is 00:25:35 And dealing drugs with his 13-year-old son. Let me be clear, though. You don't have to justify your shitty character. Two things. Two things I want to be clear about. You do, you do, you. Number one, when he first walked in one this is a reputable chain establishment right and when in rome when in rome do as romans do
Starting point is 00:25:51 bet on kid fights and then two he does a cleric there's a cleric healing up the kids dungeons and daddy's not a situational morality podcast you got you got three gold three gold on payden baby okay tonight's main eventally, is a one-on-one between Payden and Gunna Duckworth, so you are going to get your money's worth. Here we go. I assume they're going to get that set up and I think me and Nick are going to go over to the bar. Nick, you want to
Starting point is 00:26:15 get in there? Do I want to fight in there? If you want to, that'd be cool if you want. It's up to you, man. I mean, I wasn't thinking about it, but now that you're mentioning it, I kind of feel like I should. I mean, you took like... I'm good with knives.
Starting point is 00:26:30 I told you I'm good with knives, but would it impress you? Would you think it was cool? If it would impress you, I feel like I want to do it. No, no, no. It's up to you, man. Hey, hey, hey. And he goes over to the coach. He goes, put me in there.
Starting point is 00:26:44 And the bookie goes, sounds like a triple threat to me. All right, get in there, hey. And he goes over to the coach. He goes, put me in there. And the bookie goes, sounds like a triple threat to me. All right, get in there, kid. Does Peyton come out? No, no. It's a triple threat. So now it's all three of them. So you now bet money technically against your son. I would draw my bet and bet on my son.
Starting point is 00:27:00 Because I've seen him. Because he's a black belt in malls. You can just withdraw your bet at a baliwag you can move the bed hasn't started yet it hasn't started yet matt come on all right so you're as funny as that hasn't been on a lot of child battles well it's okay so here's okay so so just uh just to take a second here i'll talk to nick and like nick yeah you feel you feel good you want i mean listen man it's not gonna i just think it's i mean i think you fucking i've seen you do Taekwondo, man.
Starting point is 00:27:25 You're pretty rad. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when you say that, it fills me with a lot of confidence. I feel like I can do this. How far did you get in Taekwondo? I kind of lost track of that. The greenish?
Starting point is 00:27:36 Like, it wasn't that far, but I feel like I got the general gist of it. I just kind of... Did you get the breaking boards? Yeah. I mean, but it was those plastic ones that you just sort of put back together. It's the same thing. Yeah. It's like force on force.
Starting point is 00:27:45 I broke some boards in my time, Dad. All right. These guys are basically just a couple big walking boards. Hey, what's, hey, sir, the croupier, the guy who's running the fights, what's the guy's name? His name is, so this one's from Kathleen McRae,
Starting point is 00:27:58 Patreon subscriber, and he says, my name is Scarrow McCracken. Scarrow McCracken. It's a fucking good name. Yeah. I'm very glad that we opened up names. Because they're way better than my dumb ass name.
Starting point is 00:28:08 Remember when you caught me off guard and I said Speaker Travis? Those days are long behind us. But I wish Boreanaz would come back. He's out there still. Whatever you want to, you can always go back to Neverwinter. He's there waiting for you. Hey, McCracks. That's me.
Starting point is 00:28:23 You got Cleric here healing up the kids. We do. For safety. I look over at Freddie Wong in real life looks over at Matt and says, see, it's fine.
Starting point is 00:28:30 He's got a cleric. You don't need to justify your character. It has been several hours since we have had a kid death. It's a new record. You'll heal him up. He'll be fine.
Starting point is 00:28:43 Okay. Just so anybody knows, if you don't understand the way a triple threat match works generally within professional unfortunate foster children,
Starting point is 00:28:50 it means that the first person to defeat another by pinfall or submission regardless of who that person is, wins. So,
Starting point is 00:28:58 he doesn't necessarily have to defeat Gunner. He could defeat Payton, but you know. It's not to the death? Like, it's not a battle to the death? No, it's a pinfall thing.
Starting point is 00:29:05 It would not be a sustainable franchise, Will, if every time, do you think UFC everyone dies, Will, at the end of this? Is this a light sport? Let me tell you. We just came from a town where there was a pit of people fucking next to a pit of people murdering each other. I don't feel like it's that far out of there.
Starting point is 00:29:21 If you want to see death sport, then you go to fucking Dark Souls. That is disgusting. We don't do that kind of thing here at Bullywogs. Yeah, I mean, look, I could grok from the lighting of the place. Yeah, it's well lit. We're family established.
Starting point is 00:29:35 I want to look around. Like, is this families? There's families in here, right? There's a lot of families here. There's a lot of families in here, Will. They're enjoying the chicken fingers, which are literal in this world. Oh, my God. Okay, so that's the rules of the fight.
Starting point is 00:29:53 I want to talk to Nick, and I want to talk some strategy here. Hey, Nick. All right. So the trick is, you just got to take out one of them. Peyton. Peyton's got the eye of the tiger.
Starting point is 00:30:02 He does. I think you got to steer clear of Peyton. Steer clear of Peyton? He has the eye of the tiger He does I think you gotta steer clear of Peyton Steer clear of Peyton? He has the eye of the tiger Yeah but he has the body of not a tiger What do you want Like You want me to go after the strong one? He's like
Starting point is 00:30:14 He's like He's my age But seemingly twice my size Hmm Good point But the problem is If the strong one tires himself out on Peyton He'll still win
Starting point is 00:30:23 According to the rules of a triple threat okay nick what do you think your strengths are as a fighter drumming okay striking yeah i can hit them like they're the snares i can uh stab them i'm good at stabbing i think i mean i've stabbed i've only stabbed dummies i've never actually like stabbed a person uh great personality that is the end of my list okay give me one second here i'm gonna go find payton's corner okay just hang tight i'm gonna get a bevo okay just hang tight you know just like do some cute stretches you stretch yeah i love stretching all right so you go find payton who is just alone sitting on a chair like drinking a soda. He goes, well, do you want? I'm going to save Peyton.
Starting point is 00:31:09 That's the only thing I care about. Peyton has joined the party. I'd also like to apologize, Peyton, for making this the character that I affixed your name to. That was great. Listen, we say on the submission form
Starting point is 00:31:22 that Daddy Master has sole discretion in terms of the use of your submissions. Okay. Hey, Peyton. What's it going to take for you to throw the fight, my man? Oh, my God. Do you realize how long I've been waiting for somebody to offer me to throw a fight? Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:31:40 Andy, what are you offering? You know, I'm putting together a little bit of an enterprise. A little bit of a gang so to speak in my head by the way i'm so getting all of our twist vibes here so i'm trying to i'm putting together a gang here and i noticed uh you got the eye of the tiger my man oh thank you you know what that means i don. But you said it in a quiet voice, which means that it must be a compliment. Yeah. You got the eye of the tiger. You're just what my organization needs.
Starting point is 00:32:11 All right. All right. Looks like you're kind of having a hard scrabbled life here. You know, it looks like what? Not quite sure what your next meal is. The pay is not great. Fighting just to survive every day. A battle.
Starting point is 00:32:22 I do like the everyday battle part, though. That is sort of why we can still keep that but that can add a little comfort you know put a roof over your head put a sunroof over your head okay how about this buddy you let uh that kid over there i glance over at nick you let him pin you right at the beginning of the fight here uh-huh you join our crew and i'll show you we'll make some real moolah around here how's that well it's not gonna do a lot for my reputation you can you can roll persuasion i'm gonna roll persuasion on this uh that's a 10 plus 7 17 you have a plus 7 to persuasion i'm a persuasive guy that's the rock star persona how do you have plus 7 to persuasion
Starting point is 00:32:57 i expect all charisma like i'm a dumb idiot who has a lot of charisma that's i mean all right and and just as was your dream when you spec that way you have now convinced an eight-year-old to take a fall for you in blood sport and enter your van yeah geez he goes yeah not a problem all right i hold my hand out for a little bit my ass goes down oh no no in in the first five seconds yeah in the first fifth of a second my ass will go down payton i think you and i're gonna get. I hold my hand out for a fist bump. He puts his hand completely over your fist. And he goes, I don't like to fight before a fight. Put it away.
Starting point is 00:33:33 What a pro! I gotta keep the pythons nice and ready. Peyton is my new favorite character. I love Peyton. I'm going to go back to Nick and be like, Nick, here's the plan. Submission. Pin. Hold. Go for the weak one. Oh, so I am going here's the plan submission pin hold uh go for the week one all right where i was oh so i am going for payton yeah yeah go for the week one i i took i took a step back i took a look at the uh the fighting arena nick you're gonna go for the week one i feel a lot better about that a lot okay just go straight for a
Starting point is 00:33:57 submission pin nick turns to scar and mccracken he goes what are the odds on me again and he says i was like how much you bet how much you bet Yeah, he goes, show me a feat of strength. And Nicholas tries to do some cool kung fu moves, and he says, the odds are five to one. I thought you said, show me your feet. Your feet of strength.
Starting point is 00:34:19 Show me a feat of strength. That's what my memoir is going to be called, and it's going to be a picture of my feet. So it's five to one. If you want to keep your money on your boy. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going to keep my money on my boy. You'll get your 15 gold.
Starting point is 00:34:29 And also I lean back and I think, I'm like, you know, Henry's kids would really love this. Oh, they would. Oh, I miss those boys. What a shame. So you have now spent enough time here not doing the thing that you said you were going to do
Starting point is 00:34:50 when you came into town that the doors bust open and you see MPAA, Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins and the remaining Not You Dads enter. So you guys see all of this just as Scarra McCracken says, and fight! And Nick and Peyton and Gunner
Starting point is 00:35:10 all start going at it. As they start to go into each other, I'm gonna lock eyes with Gunner. Get your head out of the gutter, Beth May. I'm so sorry. Please get that. As the fight starts, I'm gonna lock eyes with Gunner and just shout some insults at him, I'm going to lock eyes with Gunner
Starting point is 00:35:25 and just, and, and, and shout some insults at him. I'm going to, I'm going to try and intimidate him. Hold on. Let me see what my spells are.
Starting point is 00:35:32 I'm going to use my cantrip vicious mockery. Oh shit. On this kid. So you're yelling at a 13 year old. Yeah. You heard me. Okay. It took 10 episodes,
Starting point is 00:35:42 but now is official. Glenn Close is the worst. All right. Do you have to roll for anything what does that say so um vicious mockery i unleash a string of insults laced with subtle enchantment at a creature see within range if the target can hear you though not need to understand you it must succeed on the wisdom saving throw or take one d4 psychic damage and have disadvantage on its attack roll it makes before the end of the next turn. Okay. What do you say? Hey, twerp! You probably couldn't bench shit! You idiot!
Starting point is 00:36:13 Uh, alright. Gunner looks at you and raises an eyebrow. Yeah, that's what I'm talking to you! And you see him squint as if trying to make a wisdom saving throw. He goes, somehow that affects me. Basically, his eyes dial, his pupils dial it and like fucking like ratatouille,
Starting point is 00:36:32 you go inside his eye and you can see reflected back at you. The reason this kid probably fights is because it was the only way he could get respected of anybody
Starting point is 00:36:40 because he's not that smart. Nobody ever really respected his ability to be clever. You feel so bad. Biggest bummer of a podcast now. I so sad i mean blame matt he said he's the one who said he said orphan fighting league or whatever you're enabling him i want to be clear oh yeah absolutely i mean it's it's it's i'm no one's more to blame than me and he just sort of goes back to that mode and he's he's balls his fists up but he's just fighting against his own demons rather than anybody in the ring with him i lean back smile go perfect so yeah so he's got an
Starting point is 00:37:10 opening for your son to pin uh payden who immediately goes like oh and falls over onto his back so when we come in yes we're seeing all this you're seeing all this happen okay daryl wilson instantly looks and sees gl His eyes track. He sees this ring of children fighting. I shouldn't have parked the van right outside. No, they found you very easily. I'm assuming, yeah. Daryl Wilson runs and jumps into the ring and puts his hand out between the children. I'm like, no, I got to bet on this.
Starting point is 00:37:35 Roll acrobatics to see if you can jump in without, like, falling on your face. I rolled 14. Okay. So you dive in from out of nowhere. It, boom, land right in front of both of them, between all, actually all three of them, like right in the center of the triangle, and what do you do? I say, stop, what the hell is going on here?
Starting point is 00:37:52 Why are there children fighting in the middle of this bar? Young boy, are you okay? Because Peyton fell down, right? Peyton's like, I'm not, it's terrible. Stand up, Sundaro Wilson, nice to meet you, I have my hand out to pick him up. And he tries to slap your hand away. I grab his hand. Do a strength check with advantage advantage because he's very weak.
Starting point is 00:38:05 You're an eight-year-old? Yeah, he's very, very weak. That's a 19. All right. He gets yanked up to his feet. He goes, this wasn't the... Who is this? Don't worry, you're safe.
Starting point is 00:38:14 You're all right, son. You're safe. And he tries to go, and fall over onto his back again. And he motions at Nick to come and pin him. And Nick's like, right. And Nick sprints for him and does a diving jump to try to get onto him. Do you do anything? Yeah, I try to grab Nick
Starting point is 00:38:27 out of midair. Okay. Roll dexterity. Friggin' Daryl killing my back. Henry's just watching flabbergasted. I just want to say that Henry got to the door.
Starting point is 00:38:35 He was like, I should do something. And then Daryl dove in and he's like, I don't know what to do. I'm just going to see how this shakes out. I want the greeter to be like,
Starting point is 00:38:42 how many in your party? Ron is like, are those chicken fingers? Welcome to Bullywugs. How may I seat you? I got a 14 on dexterity. Okay, he's going to roll. All right, he rolled a little bit higher,
Starting point is 00:38:55 so he managed to get on top of Peyton, and Scarrow McCracken from outside slams on the ring and goes, one, for the first count of the one two is anybody going to do anything before I hit three should I bet three and dance come on ding ding ding
Starting point is 00:39:14 Nick stands up McCracken holds up his hand and Nick is victorious yeah everybody's super super happy cheers are great very happy that the fight was not disqualified Gunner heads off to to fucking cry and uh payton gets up and he goes great cool comes down and heads over to uh to glenn and goes thanks for convincing me to take a fall so i could join your crew is this the rest of your
Starting point is 00:39:35 crew all right henry snaps and henry looks at glenn and says Glenn, pardon my French, but what the freaking gosh darn heck are you? What what is this? What have you done? That is it. You know, I try to be polite. I try to be nonjudgmental about other other dad's parenting styles. But you have to be, dare I say it, the worst father I have ever seen in my freaking life, sir. Listen, man, I know this looks bad. Yeah, it looks bad. What is going on?
Starting point is 00:40:09 How do you, what goes through your head, Glenn? Glenn, we're mad and disappointed. And Henry was being kind to you, sir, if I do say so. Guys, let's not make a scene here. Let's get a booth and talk this over. Hi, ma'am. I flagged down the waitress. Yes.
Starting point is 00:40:24 We would like one booth, please, for our, how many people are, how many people are sitting? For our eight-person party. You think you could squeeze us in? Oh, absolutely. Thank you so much. A lot of people left after that last fight.
Starting point is 00:40:32 It was pretty disappointing for a lot of them, so. So yeah, she sits you down and hands you out menus. Is it like one of those big circular booths? Yeah, it's also good. I wind up awkwardly having to sit next to Glenn, who I just said was the, we're like in the middle of the booth together.
Starting point is 00:40:45 Right. See, celebrity gets you a lot. Got us this booth. Nick won. Everybody cheered. Because I'm a big star now. That's... You sure are, Ron.
Starting point is 00:40:57 You sure are. We're talking about... I feel like Lizard Boy is like talking to the server and be like, it's his birthday today. Can we get a cake? Can we get a cake? Do you know who this is? is hi i'm ron guys look i know that was mega unchill of me back there and i know i ran off but that was a bad situation you put us in
Starting point is 00:41:20 ron i'm not pointing fingers or anything, but you sang a Christmas song. That's like my thing. We were going to lose that battle of the bands. I had no choice. You condemned us to death back there. And listen, I know that the water mice and the gang that Nick was running with were in trouble, but you always got to, you know, look out for yourself. And the way I was seeing it, that situation was rolling around where we could not have won that battle of the bands and myself and my son was in mortal danger. We had to get out of Dodge.
Starting point is 00:41:55 And I know that you guys joined up with that band and looked like you guys were going to be fine. You, you were impersonating them. You could have slipped into the crowd. I know you're wily. I've seen you Daryl and, and, and Henry, and to a lesser extent, Ron. We've been through a lot of scrapes, and I felt like you guys could have handled it. But my priority first and foremost was looking out for my son and myself and our safety, and we had to get out of there. And yeah, maybe it could have been handled a little more elegantly, maybe a little more communication. I know that my therapist says I got to work on that that but we made it out and for the most part we seem to be okay
Starting point is 00:42:28 here so that was the biggest load of bullshit i ever heard glenn i understand trying to take care of your kid but we got kids too we've been helping each other glenn we don't know what's going to happen and we gotta return those books from the van otherwise we're gonna die my problem glenn is that you're clearly only thinking about yourself and your kid. We all got kids. We're all helping each other out. Who knows what could have happened? You could have lost the van.
Starting point is 00:42:49 Those books. We got to return those books or we might die. You weren't thinking about us at all. That's the problem, Glenn. We're a team, god damn it. When you leave the team, where do we find you? Where are we? You're betting on children?
Starting point is 00:43:00 Fighting? Are they fighting? Ma'am? Ma'am, over here? Excuse me? Yeah. What sort of establishment is this what sort of fights are these oh this this is orphan fights that's about 20 times worse than
Starting point is 00:43:10 i thought it was i thought this was like a special child fight you know maybe in the day sorry it's foster children not orphans i lied i'm slightly wrong oh that's okay that's i don't know if that's better or worse it's the same did you did you want any appetizers or drinks we'll take it i'll take a spinach cheese dip. You got a spinach cheese dip? Absolutely. Chicken wings. No, anything but spinach cheese dip then, ma'am.
Starting point is 00:43:30 Round of chicken fingers coming up. All right, thank you. Chicken fingers. All the things we got. Okay, fellow dads, I'm going to jump in here for just a second. And thanks for everyone else that's sitting at the table for sitting here. Lizard Boy, Scales McStuffin, Peyton. Happy to be here.
Starting point is 00:43:42 Happy to be here. Happy to be here. Sorry, that's not what I sound like. This is what what i sound like there's a lot of emotions flying around right now uh we just had a very intense situation i would like to say that i apologize for flying off the handle back there it was justified man i get it you know i here's what i'm gonna say i think we should all i'm gonna grab this there's like a bone on the ground like from a chicken a miscellaneous bone yeah yeah like this is the feelings bone and whoever's holding the feelings bone it's to talk i'm instantly rolling and then uh oppose it uh well with your dexterity roll that's gonna be
Starting point is 00:44:17 tough to oppose a natural 20 holy shit henry doesn't remember holding the bone he just brings it up and then in your hand so I hold it and I just stare at Henry. Okay. I'm holding the bone up so you don't talk. I have the bone. The bone. I have the bone. Okay.
Starting point is 00:44:34 Ron goes to a different table and starts eating chicken fingers to get bones. Glenn, what were you going to do here? You took my van. You left us all high and dry. What's your plan? I just want to also urge you guys to both use I feel statements. I feel like if Henry wanted to talk, he should get the bone. Glenn.
Starting point is 00:44:58 You guys can't see it, but Henry's frowning really hard right now. He cannot believe how south this went on him so quickly. Glenn, just what is the plan here? We're going to give you the benefit of the doubt. We've been through a lot. But here we are. We're in a bar of some sort where children are fighting. And you stole our van and left us high and dry.
Starting point is 00:45:16 What's the deal? So I'm going to lie to my fellow dads. Okay. Which I assume is going to be a role here. Yes. But I'm going to tell a fib as it were look i raised my hand oh yeah can i get the just talk i don't want to give you give me the bone all right okay henry's i was just gonna say uh you need to give glenn the bone for him to talk
Starting point is 00:45:38 and i give the bone to glenn daryl's a man who plays by the rules thank you for letting me know that i receive the bone to Glenn. And I'm, Daryl's a man who plays by the rules. Thank you for letting me know that, Henry. I receive the bone. I stare. God. Freddie and the bone go into each other. Hitting with zingers. I wrap my hands around the bone.
Starting point is 00:45:57 And I say, look, the plan was get out of immediate danger because that battle of the bands was going south. And the only place logically that we knew we were all headed was Waterdeep and to wait for you guys here and we found a drinking hole
Starting point is 00:46:13 and we decided to come in and wait it out. And Nick jumps in and says, and what we were thinking Sorry, can I have the bone? Can I hand the bone? You have the bone, you can hand. Can I hand the bone? Yes, you can have the bone. You have the bone. You can hand it. So I feel that also our plan was to get a lot of money together
Starting point is 00:46:30 so we could buy back the other kids from slavery. You don't have any money. How are you going to rescue kids that have been sold into slavery? Can we start rolling some sense motive checks here? Yes. Okay. So, Friday, you're going to roll persuasion, and the rest of you are going to roll insight with advantage because you are
Starting point is 00:46:46 not really inclined to believe anything he's saying right now. Alright, that's a 14 plus 7 21. I swear to God Daryl Wilson straight up rolled a natural 20 again. Oh my God. Two in a row plus one. So 21. Jesus Christ. Okay, so you got a 19. I got a 19 plus 3.
Starting point is 00:47:02 Oh damn. Alright, no one is buying the bullshit from the close boys. Son, give me the bone. Are you going to be nice? No, I'm not. I'm going to talk some real. I'm going to talk for real. Ron walks over with a plate of bones and is like the Oprah of chicken finger bones.
Starting point is 00:47:17 You get a bone and you get a bone. Ron, can I have a quick chicken finger? My blood sugar is a little low. They're just bones. Okay. Everybody grabs a bone. I grab a bone chicken finger? My blood sugar's a little low. They're just bones. Okay. Everybody grabs a bone. I grab a bone. I grab all those bones.
Starting point is 00:47:27 So as this happens, Scar McCracken slinks over the table, and he goes, Seems like you guys got a little argument going on. You know how we usually solve these arguments here at Bullywogs. You want to step into the icosagon? Daryl Wilson, nice to meet you. What's your name, sir?
Starting point is 00:47:41 My name is Scar McCracken. Could you give us just one second? I will be here. Okay. And he steps back one step and then temples his hands together. That man definitely wants us to fight, which, depending on what happens soon, may happen. Glenn, I just want you to think for one second. Henry's boys are missing.
Starting point is 00:47:58 If I see my boy, as of right now, I'm going to have to eat his skin. And Ron doesn't know where her son is either. And we have found your son. And we put our lives on the line. We did everything we could to help him. And you guys seem to be okay. Ron can't help it that he has an angel's voice that has come down from on high. None of us knew that that was going to happen.
Starting point is 00:48:17 And Ron knew it was going to happen. You knew it was going to happen. Henry, I have to be honest. I knew it was going to happen. I knew nobody could compete with these gorgeous, gorgeous pipes of mine. But Henry, I have to apologize, which is the first time I think I've ever done anything like that. But once I opened up these pipes and started singing Silent Night,
Starting point is 00:48:44 I knew that crowd was well they were really proud of me lizard boy scales mcstuffins puts his hand on your forearm and closes his eyes and is just like nodding and i thought that that was pretty fucking rad it was ron it was rock and roll i just want you to know that i've done everything i can to try keep it together okay this is a team here and i just want to say as a teammate, you let down your team, Glenn, and I'm worried about my son. I think we're all worried about our sons, and I just wish you had respected us a little bit more as a man.
Starting point is 00:49:16 We all have bones. You all have bones. Go ahead, Henry. Talk. This is a safe space now. And thanks for teaching me that term, Henry, safe space. I like it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:24 It's a good term. People use it a lot for a lot, safe space. I like it. Yeah. You know, it's a good term. People use it a lot for a lot of different things. I like it. It's gotten a little watered down in the culture lately, but I think it still has value. I don't care about that part. It's all good. I kind of gesture to Skarro like, hey, where's my fucking money? I got five to one on that guy.
Starting point is 00:49:35 Oh, sorry. While that's going on, I'm telling Daryl about an article in the New Yorker that he should read about safe spaces when we get back to Earth. Skarro approaches and goes, ah, yes, yes, here's your 15 coins. Did you bet on the child fight? Correction. Out of earshot of Skaro, I go, I ensured that we would have
Starting point is 00:49:54 some money to move around here in the Forgotten Realms as I put the 15 on the table. Okay, okay. Henry, just get it together, Henry. Just breathe for a second. Sounds like a smart business decision. Thank you, Ron. Here breathe for a second. Sounds like a smart business decision. Thank you, Ron. Here's what I'm suggesting.
Starting point is 00:50:10 That's a thing about the return on investment, the ROI, I think. Yeah? I'm still holding this bone like it means anything. Also, he's doing it in real life. It's like mimicking holding a bone, Will Campos is. It's great. I'm going to say this, fellow dads. Other than Ron singing, which was great, but I got to admit, Ron, I'm a little disappointed that you knew it was going to affect the plan poorly, and you did it anyway. You're disappointed? You're not mad? You're...
Starting point is 00:50:33 You're... You're disappointed? Ron, take a D12 of psychic damage. You found, like, the most powerful insult. You hear the voice of your father echoing in your skull. Ron takes 10 damage. Henry realizes that he has triggered some issues for Ron.
Starting point is 00:50:53 So Henry is going to cast healing word on Ron. And he's going to say a healing word and say, it's okay. We all get disappointed sometimes, but I forgive you and we all love you. And then I cast healing word. Carol waves to the waitress to get some more chicken wings for Ron. Ron mops his teary face with chicken wings. She comes back and she's like,
Starting point is 00:51:17 I'm sorry, we are out of chicken wings. We have the spinach. You said specifically not the spinach? Not the spinach. That's all we have left. I glare at Glenn. Not the spinach. Ron heals for 10. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:51:26 Well done. Yeah, so you still feel a little sad, but, you know. Right back where you were. No, that's what it is. What do you want to eat there, Ron? What? Let's take a look at the... Well, actually, what do you have?
Starting point is 00:51:39 Spinach cheese dip. I will take the chicken wings. Right, we're out of those. That's what I was just telling you that. What do you have? Spinach cheese dip. Okay, I'm thinking, I don't know about you fellas, but I'm thinking chicken wings. Alright, you know what? I'll go look in the back.
Starting point is 00:51:53 Can you just check? You know who he is, right? Nope. I mean, I'm getting a sense of it. That's hi, I'm Ron. It's me. I don't know who that is. i'm ron oh great wonderful you'll find out about it soon enough he's gonna be all the rage very soon gentlemen here's what i'd like to say i think all of us goofed up in our separate ways in our last escapade and so what i'd like to
Starting point is 00:52:20 propose is a reset and And from this point forward, dads don't do other dads dirty. I like that. Henry, I see you're sticking your bone in the middle there. Should we all stick our bones together? Bones in the middle. Dads don't do other dads dirty. Can we all do that?
Starting point is 00:52:40 Can we all put our bones in the middle and say dads don't do other dads dirty? Peyton's like, absolutely, yeah. We'll say that, but... Not you, Peyton. It's important. important when you look at the game tape you don't just sit there and you say everybody on the team did a bad job you look at what actually happened i'll say this that's a pile of bullshit we did not do each other dirty glenn did us dirty and all i'm asking is glenn i would like you to apologize to the three of us and say that what you did was wrong. And then we will forgive you because that's what we do because we're a team. We will all make mistakes.
Starting point is 00:53:10 Ron was strong enough to apologize, Glenn. Yes. And we're all very proud of Ron for that. Nick looks at you and he grits his teeth and he just shakes his head. Don't do it, Dad. Don't you fucking do it, Dad. Not to these cucks. Oh, my gosh. Did we hear that do it, dad. Not to these cucks. Oh my gosh.
Starting point is 00:53:26 Did we hear that? No, he's not saying it. It's all in the eyes. Very expressive eyes. He's doing a lot of eyebrow work. He's like The Rock. Glenn, you gotta apologize. No bones about it.
Starting point is 00:53:40 Oh, the first dad joke of the episode. All right, well, the kids are going to take a automatic. So you just did altogether 11 damage to several children. Oh my gosh. That's more damage than the whole fight. That's the most bones without any David Boreanaz.
Starting point is 00:54:00 That's right, Glenn. You really boned it up. And then I hold up a bone. It was okay. Daddy master said it. It bone. Eh, it was okay. No, it was good. Daddy master said it. It counts. It counts. Glenn, no chickening out on this apology.
Starting point is 00:54:12 Yum. Just down to you now. Sort of directing that all out, Glenn. Listen, guys. Let me just wing it here real quick. Well done. Now you have to send it somewhere. All that damage.
Starting point is 00:54:24 I think McCracken's heard all of this. Okay. Will he know we heard him? No, he'll just get a splitting migraine. Yeah, fuck him. He runs a child battle ring. The Kraken's getting the brunt of that. So he gets one, two, three, four D4.
Starting point is 00:54:35 Oh, shit. We may kill a man here today with our dad. He falls to the ground. Oh, my gosh. His eyes roll back into his head, and he just, boom, hits the ground. Oh, God. Home, what happened? I think Glenn was about to say something. Glenn? Oh my gosh. His eyes roll back into his head and he just boom and hits the ground. Oh God. Home.
Starting point is 00:54:45 What happened? I think Glenn was about to say something. Glenn. Guys. And I give, I give Nick a look like this is what my eyes are saying, which is we're going to need these guys' help to get home. And at the very least having a bunch of people at a table mad at you is bad
Starting point is 00:55:02 band vibes. A lot of that's a lot of eyebrow work there. Freddie, we're going to need you to post a video of you communicating that with eyebrow gestures on the Twitter. That's a good one. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that. Guys, I agree. What we did back there, what I did to you guys, as you Henry put it, did you dirty? It was whack. Let me at least say that I was doing it because I was fearing for my life and the life of my son. And I think any of you, when faced with that situation, would have done the same with your own kid. That aside, that aside, I recognize that I did you all
Starting point is 00:55:40 dirty. Daryl, I'm sorry I took your baby. I took your beast. I think you'll be wanting these back. Glenn's got that half-assed apology down from YouTubers and influencers. I'm sorry you were offended. Listen, I'm sorry you guys were offended. I'm going to slide the keys over. I grabbed them. Henry, thank you for mediating this. Again, I'm sorry about your kids and ron i guess i forgive you
Starting point is 00:56:09 for singing a christmas song that good again kind of my thing but and and imperiling myself and the kid but i know you didn't mean to but he did mean to i meant to right wait glenn is your apology to ron to forgive him for something that he did? Hold on, Daryl. And I'm sorry I ditched out on you. I'm sorry you took my pipes so personally, but, you know, it's just my pipes. Good enough. Dads don't do dads dirty on three.
Starting point is 00:56:40 One, two, three. Dads don't do other dads dirty. Bullshit. And you see Nick standing up in his chair and he points at all of you. You guys are a bunch of fucking hypocrites. You just want to control all this bullshit. You only
Starting point is 00:56:57 like him because he helps you out fucking finding your stupid kids and the second he finds his kid and wants to make his life a little bit better you just want to shit all over it. Fuck you! Fuck you! And his eyes roll back into his head and when they come back the irises are purple, or the corneas are purple. And you hear the voice that you
Starting point is 00:57:13 previously heard coming out of Lark and Sparrow. Nick turns and looks at Glenn and he says, you cannot raise a child because you are a child. You will never understand what it takes to raise a child because you are a child. You will never understand what it takes to raise a life until you get
Starting point is 00:57:30 one of your own. Hold on, hold on. I have the bone. Hi, Darrell Wilson here, nice to meet you. Are you the guy from The Dream? Yes, I just thank God. What's your name, sir? I put my hand out. Darrell Wilson, nice to meet you. What's your name? I'm not gonna tell you my name. I'm figuring it out soon enough. Why won't you tell's your name, sir? I put my hand out. Darrell Wilson, that's me. What's your name? I'm not gonna tell you my name. I'm figuring
Starting point is 00:57:46 it out soon enough. Why won't you tell us your name? Yeah, what are you afraid of? Chump? I'm a slapnick. Okay. Roll an attack. Two. Alright. You try to slap him, and he just catches your hand, and he goes- Good idea, Glenn. I try a slapnick also. Alright, go ahead and roll attack. That's a six.
Starting point is 00:58:01 Alright, he grabs your hand, too. Henry, he's got two hands. So he just grabs both of your hands and before anybody else can do anything he just fucking like bam bam from the Flintstones just like throws you just with your wrist and bam you fall on the fucking ground hard. Like far harder than any 13 year old should
Starting point is 00:58:17 ever be able to throw somebody. Like what dice heart? Like If you were to like quantify how many dice heart that is. You both take a d8 of damage. And then he starts to levitate. And he says, You are not worthy of being fathers.
Starting point is 00:58:33 You take your children for granted. You take yourselves for granted. You take the very act of fatherhood for granted. And if it takes every breath in my body and every bit of dark magic I can conjure, I will make sure that you regret the day you ever had children. Hey, Daryl, isn't your kid's name Grant?
Starting point is 00:58:57 And he just goes, Jesus fucking Christ. And he begins to fade out of existence. And for a brief second, Nick's eyes go back from purple. And he looks at Glenn and he goes, Dad! Dad, what did I do? Dad, I'm sorry! This is my fault somehow, I feel like. I didn't, I didn't, I wasn't a good enough son. I fucked this up. I'm so sorry. When you get a chance, Nick, you stab.
Starting point is 00:59:16 I'll keep that in mind, Dad. I've learned nothing! And he fades out of existence. Check, please. Ha ha ha! And he fades out of existence. Check, please. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself.
Starting point is 00:59:58 Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro music is All Right by Maxton Waller. Additional backgrounds by Sword Coast Soundscapes. Thank you this week to Samuel Trostostle payton bennett's ben mcdonald and kathleen mccray patreon supporters who submitted characters and location names that we use in this episode you too can submit characters locations and items by becoming a patreon supporter at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads where you'll join an entire army of dad enablers. Find folks like Benjamin Seepster, Tom Lum, and Anna Black who make the show possible.
Starting point is 01:00:30 Supporters get access to exclusive bonus content like a companion commentary podcast called Talking Dad where we chat about the ongoing campaign and answer listener questions. Find us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads, Facebook at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads, subreddit at r slash Dungeons and Daddies.
Starting point is 01:00:46 And as always, thank you to those of you out there tweeting about the show, leaving iTunes reviews, and exposing your friends to our bad dad jokes. By getting the show out there together, we can end the stigma against dad jokes once and for all. Next episode coming out June 17th. So until then, if it's sunny outside, don't forget to apply sunscreen. If it's cloudy outside, don't forget to apply sunscreen. If it's cloudy outside, don't forget to apply sunscreen. It's not going to do a lot for my reputation.
Starting point is 01:01:22 Oh, but baby, you won't need that. You can roll persuasion. I'm going to roll persuasion on this. And thank God that Glenn is... I don't like that you called him baby. I may cut that. You can't cut it now.

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