Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 11 - From Dusk 'til Dad

Episode Date: June 18, 2019

The dads head to spicy meatball hands Roqueporte with a new, powerful ally. Darryl reconnects with his hobby, Henry declines to appropriate Darryl's culture, Glenn's instincts were dead on, and Ron kills.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, drug/alcohol use and violence towards children.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to the official Unfortunate Foster Children Fighting League podcast number 462. This week we're headed down the water deep over to the Bullywog Strawweight Division where fan favorite Gunnar Duckworth suffered a major upset defeat to newcomer Nick Close in a triple threat match. Now we don't have any audio with Nick. Unfortunately, eyewitnesses say he disappeared into thin air, but we can hear from fighter Peyton Bennett. Let's go now down to the ring. Peyton, it looks like you fell right as the

match started, which allowed Nick to get that early submission on you. What happened? Oh yeah, I threw the fight, like, for sure. Glenn told me that he would get me out of here if I threw the fight so his kid could pit me, so I just did that because, like, I've never won a fight before, so, like, why start now? It gives a shit. Next question. You're looking at a career record of zero wins, 278 losses now.

What's next for you as an unfortunate foster child? Yeah, but my days of unfortunate foster children fighting are behind me. I have officially joined up with these four weird dads in their van. We're going to find this guy Ron's kid. He's a real wild card. But, yeah, who knows? His kid seems like he might be a little bit cooler than him. I thought that that seems too difficult.

Not that I should. Peyton doesn't like to judge. You know, Peyton's just trying to do his own thing. Thank you, Peyton. Best of luck to you. Welcome to Dungeons & Daddies, a sometimes BDSM podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms on a quest to rescue their lost sons in the context of

Dungeons and Dragons. I am Freddie Wong and I play Glenn Close, rock cover band, Bard Dad. And we all leveled up in between the previous episode and this one. So we're now level four and at level four, the dad fact of mine ties into this. We learned that Glenn closes feet at level four is to become an actor. I gained one charisma, which I need and I have advantage on deception performance checks. I'm trying to pass yourself off as a different person and I can mimic the speech of another person or the sounds made by other creatures.

You've heard for at least a minute. The way I see it is this. Glenn has traveled the world. He's done his fair share of shows internationally, Christmas shows internationally. It's important to relate to the crowd. And this gives me an excuse to use Glenn's Australian accent. Oh, God. Oh, no. Welcome to the final episode of Dungeons & Dragons.

But Glenn's always fancied himself a thespian of sorts, if not on stage in a dramatic context than in a musical one. But he's like, I could do that. I could act. He pretends to know what he's doing all the time. So yeah, there you go. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Ron F. Stampler. It's been so long since I've heard the Ron voice.

It just feels good. I talk in Ron voice all the time. My friends are leaving me. They're like, Beth, we can't handle only Ron. No gods, no kings, only Ron. Ron is an emotionally scented stepfather and a rogue, and Ron also leveled up. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, so his new feat, Ron is an actor. He's a thespian. So Ron gains plus one charisma and has advantage on deception and performance checks when trying to

pass yourself off as a different person if you also have an Australian accent I'm ending the podcast right now and shout out to my new roommate

Dane oh god damn it fuck ass shit sends his friends up in Vancouver listen to the podcast oh that's actually pretty good

nevermind you kind of you kind of run me over you're gonna accent shame me yep like that Matt God damn it. Fuck ass shit. Says his friends up in Vancouver listen to the podcast. Oh, that's actually pretty good. That's what I was going to say. Never mind. You kind of ruined me over. You're going to accent shame me? Yep. Like that, Matt? What can I say? I'm an actor.

Where did the acting, love of like acting come from? Was Ron like high school plays or? I think he was one of the sheep in the nativity play in early youth. What's his sheep voice sound like? Sheep don't say anything. But there are no small parts. That was Ron's

response when the teacher was like, hey, Ron, you're supposed to bah. He was like, no, sheep don't say anything. Yeah, he was playing the... I feel like Matt just set you up for an alley-oop and you just let him sail into the backboard. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I've been yes-anding all week and it's just really hasn't gone well. I'm Will Campos. I forgot my laptop today, so I'm on pen and paper D&D. I'm the only one actually playing a pen and paper or role-playing game right now. That's true.

On a tabletop. Who do I play? I play Henry Oak, granola munching, Birkenstock rocking, nature hippie druid dad fun fact about henry oak this week henry is observant what does observant do uh henry at his fourth level discovered that his wisdom score has gone up by one and he can read lips now whoa yeah i thought that'd be a fun one that's useful he decided he needed to learn how to read lips after the skullduggery and treachery that happened in

the last adventure oh yeah um i'm also very very excited i have a dad thing i'm very does reading lips mean that you can kiss better now you know i'm saying is that what they call it when you go in daryl find out soon uh henry also learned a new spell that he's very excited to share with you called Druidcraft. Whispering to the spirits of nature, Henry can create one of the following effects within range. You can instantly make

a flower blossom, a seed pod open, or a leaf bud bloom. Isn't that fun? That's very on brand for him. And he can also create a tiny harmless sensory effect that predicts what the weather will be at your location for the next 24 hours. Oh my God.

Wait, sorry. I don't understand what that means. Henry can create a magic thermostat that sees into the future in true depth. Holy shit. Does it also give you the ability to detect slight temperature fluctuations in an indoor environment?

That's very good. Druidcraft definitely lets you tell if someone's touched the thermostat. I can also instantly snuff out a candle, which feels like you could do that anyway. So you have human fingers? And I can create an instantaneous harmless sensory effect, such as falling leaves, a puff of wind with the sound of a small animal, or the faint odor of a skunk. Wow.

And a five-foot cube, so. This is such a weird thing. What asshole wrote that? Like, oh faint odor of a skunk wow and a five foot cube so this is such a weird what asshole wrote that like oh it's a skunk it's like oh cool so they can like freak people out and make them scared the smell is like no it's a faint odor of a skunk thanks dm yeah you could sell your services to the sort of hotels of the land just by being like i can make white noise for the sleeper oh yeah that's true you're like a free white noise if any of you guys need a white noise generator apparently you're an asmr dad now yeah it's our dad oh my god is that a subgenre on youtube don't google it don't google it right now go ahead matt go ahead and introduce yourself uh i'm matt arnold i play darryl wilson uh stay at home coach dad who's a barbarian

so proud uh which means that i mean i'm a barbarian i'm not making flowers grow or learning voices like i can punch harder now. That's what happens when I love her and brawl. So tavern brawler. So my fun fact or my dad fact is Daryl's loved watching his favorite movie with his son Grant, which was Top Gun, but he would always he'd always fast forward during that steamy sex scene until he finally walked in on his son watching it by himself. And that's how the talk got started.

You actually had the talk. Unfortunately, that means that now Grant will never watch Top Gun again ever with Daryl because it's too uncomfortable. Yeah. That's how you watch Top Gun is you watch through the sweaty beach volleyball scene and then fast forward through the sex scene. That's the way to do it. You know, Daryl didn't think his son was ready at 10 years old

to learn about the sweet lovemaking that happened between Tom Cruise. You didn't get any of the subtext in the sex scene. Yeah. Well, do you know, Daryl was, didn't think his son was ready at 10 years old to learn about the sweet lovemaking that happened. We didn't get any of the subtext in the volleyball scene. Nope. No, Daryl does not get any of the subtext of the volleyball scene. Yeah. You know,

Kenny Loggins wrote that song. Oh, that's right. Playing with the boys. Every time that volleyball scene goes on, Daryl points at them and goes, Hey, you know,

back in the day in college, your dad looked like that. Which one, Goose? Do you think kids today even get the talk? Like, kids have the internet. I never got the talk. I had the internet. No, I don't think so. My version of the talk was my mom just bought

like a book about sex for kids and then just left it downstairs. And when she was like, Will, there's a book down there about stuff. If you want to read it, go read it. And I was like, Mom, gross. And then like the next day, I was like, I's a book down there about stuff if you want to read it go read it and I was like mom gross and then like the next day I was like I'm gonna check that book out I had to talk did you have the talk

ready now I think about it you guys are such nerds that like they're never gonna need 30 by the time this information becomes irrelevant my parents taught me about like menstruation and nothing else. Like they thought that it ended there.

This is all you need to know. Yeah. My dad just told me to keep it above the belt and I didn't. And that's why I'm so fucking cool. I don't know what keep it above the belt means. And now I host a D&D podcast. Yeah, now I host a D&D podcast and I'm bringing that real tale. Look at me now.

I'm balls deep. I'm Anthony Burchard, Daddy Master, and I'm balls deep. So let's do, let's pretend to be fucking wizards. There's not a single wizard among us. You know that, right? Oh shit, I forgot. that right oh shit i forgot let's cut to you guys as you're leaving bully wugs with for some reason payton the worst uh mma fighter for some reason everyone with our new son with our new son our beautiful boy payton um do you think that they will split the check they automatically

deducted the check from your uh child fighting winnings so thankfully that has been handled how much do we have now you had 12 silver before i fucked up and called a gold later but whatever you want a lot of money you can't take it back we got gold you got gold now congratulations all the forgotten realms have now switched to the gold system it's every libertarian's dream ron paul grand wizard of the... Not grand wizard. No, not grand wizard. We have to meet a grand wizard at some point in this campaign so we can goof on that. But yeah, so now you have 12 gold. Do we get any to go?

Like, do we get any... It's up to you. Do we get some chicken fingers to go, guys? We can't reheat this up. This is so gross. I think I can probably whip up a cantrip to heat up those chicken fingers. He has that thing where he can blow wind for, and he's got the thermostat app. I have the app. You know, all of our feats are just apps on our phones.

Hey, Peyton. Hey there, buddy. I'll go to the bathroom once we get in this van. Everybody needs to go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom now. I'm not pulling this thing over. I go to the bathroom every time I fight. I evacuate all of my feelings.

Do you need to clean anything up before you get in the van? No. My body perfectly absorbs all moisture. It's just a closed ecosystem. Everything that goes out goes in and vice versa. Matt has a question. Is Peyton human? Yeah.

He's just mastered his fucking chi, dude. Just lay off of him i'm just i'm just a lead being fighting and pissing machine daryl when he opens the door he puts a towel underneath the seat where payton's gonna be saying hey pain buddy yeah go ahead and just sit on this towel when you get in here glenn i want to check in when i watched my two boys my beautiful boys larkin sparrow disappear in a smoke in front of me, it was a rough one. I just want to take your temperature now that, you know, we've kind of buried the hatchet, so to speak, and just see how you're doing, bud. I'd be fine.

You'd be fine. Check it out. I'm going to text him right now. I'm going to pull out my phone and send a text being like, you good, bro? Okay, roll for your phone. 17. The phone stays on. So you very quickly receive a text being like, you good, bro? Okay, roll for your phone. 17, the phone stays on. So you very quickly receive a text back. It's an image, and it's the man with the purple robe with a dark face,

like just sort of doing a peace sign. Yeah, see, he's fine. He's hanging out with this dude. I think he learned how to use your son's phone. Oh, geez. Well, okay. I don't want to rattle your cage, so I'm going to just assume that you're going to have some sort of breakdown later.

He's going to be fine. This purple robe figure feels a little kind of an immature pose. I'm just saying I'm being a suspect. He looks really cool. Yeah, well, yeah, cool like a kid, right? Like not like an adult. No, he looks really cool. Does anybody have a robe that I could borrow? I'm an actor actor i need a costume uh well uh all right uh ron uh any any of you guys got a robe

payton give me that towel uh no go ahead keep that towel yeah you can take it i don't need it i take the towel i'm the least moist person you've ever met no problem okay gotta be dry to stay limber in the ring well actually this is matt is Matt for game master. How long do we have before we got to return those books? You've got a week left. You should, assuming that whatever you do with Terry jr. It takes less than three days. Be able to get there on time without the,

uh, the time running out, but maybe you'll find some stuff that makes it take longer. Holy shit guys. Andy's introducing like Majora's Mask mechanics into the game. I mean, it's already taken longer because I guess these last few episodes were a whole week already.

So there's travel time. I'll say I'm starting to get TO'd that every time we rescue one of our... What? This is really funny and Christian. This is very good. I'm starting to get TO'd that every time we rescue one of our sons,

this guy turns them into freaking smoke and takes them away. My question is, if we're going to go, whoever we go to go rescue next, it sounds like the group consensus is Terry Jr. so that no one gets their face eaten off. We just have to do it quickly so that we can return those books. We got to make it snappy. He sent a photo back, right? Yeah. Is that photo like geotagged or anything?

What's the metadata on that? You know, my beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow, are always about computer stuff and I kind of pick it up every now and then I've read an issue of wired in my day. And I remember hearing about how there were these Al Qaeda guys and they got figured out because they were taking Instagram photos at their terrorist base. And there was like a little number or something that told you where it was. Yeah. The iPhone does add location data to all photos that it sends. What does it say? It says that it was taken in a place called Ravenloft.

Wow, it actually says Ravenloft. Listen, don't discount the iOS engineers. They've been marking out and geotagging. Everything's meta tagged. Ravenloft. Hey, Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. Yeah, what's up? What do you know about Ravenloft? Oh, you do not want to go to Ravenloft. Hey, Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. Yeah, what's up? What do you know about Ravenloft?

Oh, you do not want to go to Ravenloft. There used to be this guy there, Strahd Von Zarovich. He was a big evil vampire lord. He died. He's long gone. So it's been filled in with a lot of weird demon people, angry wizards. A lot of dark magics kind of come from that area. It's not a cool place to chill.

Sounds like Los Angeles. Am I right, guys? Film people. Stern laughs a lot, not understanding what it is, but he just wants to sort of be part of it. So this is a big lead. Yeah. This is a big one. So this is pretty important.

Could you take my picture in the purple robe and send it back to Nick? I'll put up the peace sign. Ready? Peace. Cheese. I'll take that photo. Somewhat confused. And my phone dies.

No! Okay. Gosh darn it, Ron. I did think it took before it, uh... It's on your phone. It is on my phone. Oh, okay. Then that's fine. That's fine uh. It's on your phone. It's on your phone. It didn't get sent. Oh, okay. Then that's fine. That's fine. You got the photo. Guys, it's all okay. I'm really glad I took that photo.

Alright, well, uh, unfortunately about your phone there, uh, Glenn. You really don't have a charger in this thing? Not an iPhone. I got my old classic Nokia, which, uh, this thing, this, I mean, this bad boy doesn't need charging anytime soon. Um, but, uh, and really appreciate, uh, if you would sit on that towel, Peyton. But everybody, let's go.

Peyton's already asleep. Oh, little Tykes asleep. He looks very cute while he's asleep. Oh, everybody get in very quietly. What does he sound like when he snores? All right, everybody get in and don't wake up Peyton, everybody. This is some dad ASMR. Yeah, dad ASMR.

I'm starting the engine as quietly as I can. Peyton, put your shoes on right, grandmas. And the beast roars to life. And he starts a little bit. Oh, he's so tuckered out. He's so cute. cute. I think what we gotta do here is we gotta be quick about it,

but we gotta get Ron's kid. Okay. I'm gonna stipulate that along the way, we gotta try to figure out a way to keep Terry Jr. from getting disappeared into smoke. But here's the thing. We're 0 for 3 right now. I know, and then the purple robe guy who looks so cool keeps telling you guys that you're not good fathers.

And I'm just like, how do I contend with being so good that I don't make you guys feel bad? We'll deal with that when we get there. We're going to have to cross that bridge when we get there, Ron. I just don't want Terry to disappear because of something I did. I've seen that happen a few times before, and sometimes it's because I, you know, I got him his mom's purse instead of his backpack

when he says, that's my backpack. Or sometimes he asks for a cola, and I, you know, I get him milk because that's what my father always gave me. And I just I don't want to make any more mistakes. CERN reaches out a hand. He puts it on your arm and he's like, you probably will. We all make mistakes, Ron.

But that's being a dad. As I remember it. Yeah. You know, we all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes have big consequences like what happened with our mistake with lizard boys kills mcstuffins wait wait what i your mistake in my kids what are you talking about oh i just mean that we we blame ourselves for what happened of course because we were there and we were doing our best and things got out of

control so we just deep you know we blame ourselves for everything that's going on sir you blame yourselves in the abstract for a pure everybody roll deception if you're trying to i did not know he didn't know oh my god oh this is 18 3 5 i got a one. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay, CERN, Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins, there's something I need to come clean about. You can see he's breathing faster. I honestly thought you knew this. So you remember the pyramid that crushed your sons? Yes.

Well, there's no easy way to say this but that might have been our fault we crushed your kids no no ron sir we did not crush your kids sir and we were in the pyramid we were in the middle of battle and we had magic beans and we didn't know what they did and when the beans fell out and a pyramid appeared we were just your kids we were just as surprised as anybody else you motherfucker and he jumps at daryl and grabs you by the fucking neck buddy we we did not know what was gonna happen we were in the middle of a fight it was chaos i thought you saved my life i mean i i mean you took my life from me my kids were my life our wookiee life that that's bullshit now it means nothing my bow is broken i was wrong uh hi sir can i he just slowly fucking

turns his head if it was an accident because it was an accident i want to be clear this wasn't like a we killed your kids on purpose situation this was we were in the fight of our lives and and furthermore i would like to add cern, that you were working for the guy that captured us and that we were going to get killed. Henry, Henry, stop for a second. CERN, Daryl has tears in his eyes. You have every right to be mad. I thought you knew. Whatever you need to do, whatever is happening, we're sorry. As he said, it was an accident. We're just trying to escape. But I hear you buddy you lost your kids that's tough i there's nothing i can say tears just begin to stream down his eyes and then his arms go slack and you just sort of feel all the fight go out of him stop the fucking car i stopped the car and without another word without even a glance back at you he opens the door he walks into the forest and he just sort of disappears guys we gotta we but we what but oh oh no oh my god i uh i roll down the window and i watch cern uh disappear into the forest and

i reach into my pocket and i pull out the last charleston shoe i have and i chuck it out the window after cERN, and I roll up the window. I look at everybody through the rearview mirror, and I say, we should probably get going, guys. And I start up the car, and I start driving down the road without saying anything. As you drive away, you can't help but focus on the Charleston Chew as it recedes into the distance, maybe some part of you hoping that CERN will come back and pick it up or something. Does he?

No. It just gets smaller and smaller as you drive into the distance and slowly uh fog begins to obscure everything from view behind you The sort of pall that's fallen over the party is only exacerbated by what you see when you crest a hill. There is a thick black fog all around you and you see the plants slowly turn from, you know, relatively, I guess Henry especially notices, will turn from relatively turn from, you know, relatively, I guess Henry especially notices, uh, would turn from relatively vivacious, you know, sort of flowers and crops into thorny,

twisted, blackened plant life. Life isn't even the right word for it. It just, they're growing, but it feels like they're not growing out of some sense of actual life, but something far darker and more horrible. Yeah. Kind of Maleficent, uh. Malevolence. Maleficent would be the villain from Sleeping Beauty. That's what I meant. Oh, okay. Like her ivy. Like her crazy spiky. Oh, okay.

Yeah, she makes big spiky ivies. Oh, you're totally right. Yeah. Fuck me, right? What's also weird is that it felt like it was high noon when you were driving out here, but now it's just, it might as well be midnight. And as you cross the hill,

you see two things that really catch your eye. The first is what seems to be a little farm town with a lot of shadowy figures moving around in it. And then just behind that, a tower that reaches into the sky that is made of blackened stone. Freddie Wong here. As we enter the fog, the Honda Odyssey's 2013 daytime running lights will turn on and give us a little bit of fog illumination. Just throwing that out there. As that happens, you see some of the figures in the village sort of turn towards you.

And then like the daytime running lights. And then they kind of all run into their homes. Ron turns to comment on the weird weather to CERN, but then notices that CERN's not there and says, oh, weather's really reflecting the mood, huh? Dad's. What has happened to this land henry goes full legolas for a second a foul corruption what are your birkenstock eyes

the sanctity of this place has been fouled i'm quaking in my birkenstocks boys is that diablo yes you are the first person hell yeah in my entire life no joke of saying that exact phrase and nobody getting what i'm saying to recognize that holy shit that's good shit that's why i bring in the fucking pussy this is why i hang out with anthony everybody now you know no oh boy and real quick what's this place called again this place is called a lucky port this is rocket port oh do we know that how do we know that actually oh yeah sorry you drive by a sign that's swinging off of its hinges that says a lucky port rocha porch i think it's french man

french yeah french i've been to france you have? Yeah. Oh, when were you in? Our honeymoon. Oh, that's wonderful. Rochefort. Is that Italian? And, uh... I do want to, for the record, note that Matt did the Mamma Mia hand gesture. In case there was any doubt and anyone's listening to this is mine.

Guys, looks like we're at a Rochefort. I'm still doing the hand. Well, uh like we're at a rock-a-port. Still doing the hands. Well, Terry's supposed to be here, right? Daryl stops the car and take a look around. Terry? Oh, guess he's not here. Guess we gotta go. We're gonna look for him harder than that, Ryan. Hey, Peyton, wake up a little

buddy. We're here. Have you ever been here? No, why are we here? Peyton, have you ever been to Rock-a-port? No, I've heard pretty shitty things about're here. Have you ever been here? No. Why are we here? Payne, have you been to Rockaport? No, I've heard pretty shitty things about it. What have you heard about it?

Why didn't you hurt? No, I shouldn't have known. Second I say I know anything, you're going to fucking grill me on all the details. I was like a little buddy. You just woke up. You don't have to tell us right now.

I mean, I can tell you it's like it was just like a little idyllic town. They would occasionally give us some of their kids to like fight. How were the quality of the fighters out of rock they were hardy folk they like they seem to eat well they seem to be happy taking notes on this in case i do run across ufc fights again they're pretty good but there was a while there where they started getting like skinnier and skinnier when they would come in and then like you really really sallow and i guess maybe this explains that it doesn't look like their crops are doing so well or or they're you know anything speaking of sallow you uh hungry there baden oh i'm always

hungry hey uh hey i'm constantly peeing in reams over my own nutrients of course i'm hungry can you go ahead and toss to some of those power bars we got back there around to everybody i think we should all uh protein up protein up before we go there i'd like to roll up like a perception check around kind of this area if there's like a good central location, like a town square or something that we can find ourselves, uh, that's gonna be a 14 perception. So, uh, yeah, there's a tavern, uh, in the center of the town that seems to be where you'd stand the best chance of finding people to talk to boys. I think it's going to be another roll into town and pull up into a tavern kind of episode. Let's, uh, is there like a, is there a Druid thing that Henry can do

to kind of sense the auras of the land, so to speak? Yeah, you could roll nature, I believe, is one of them. Is nature a thing? Yes, nature. Nature is a thing. Okay, yes, definitely roll that. Okay, all right. Oh, we got a 20.

Oh, great. So you can tell that whatever is corrupting these lands, and they are corrupted, this is not natural. It is definitely originating from that tower. If I know my fantasy novels, which I do, my reckoning would say that that dark, ominous tower is causing some sort of corruption over this land. Your nature is only because you've just read all of it?

Yes, I want to canonically establish that all of his wisdom comes from fantasy novels. From the Silmarillion. The Silmarillion, you know, a lot of R.A. Salvatore. Matt Arnold also wants to play Dungeons and Dragons and rule something. Can I rule perception? Yeah, sure. I was specifically trying to perceive what they were wearing and stuff

since we had those jerseys and stuff, but I only got a 10. Oh, well, a 10 at least lets you realize that you noticed as people started walking into their homes, a lot of them were kind of hunched over and seemed to be older. I would also like to check perception. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Let's play some fucking D&D.

I got a something bad. I got a six. Plus one, so seven. Okay, yeah. Now you definitely notice exactly what they did, if not three less. Can I look around to see? Can we pull the car kind of behind a tree or whatever?

Oh, you think you want to come in stealth style? Yeah. Let's go. Look guys, let's go ahead and walk the rest of the way. And those people you're still paying. You're saying that they look pretty famished over there. Yeah. I mean the, with the kids they brought in, it looked like they weren't eating as well.

Let's go ahead and take some of that jerky and power bars I got and pack them in our pockets, guys, and see maybe that'll help out. Yeah, a little bribe, a little help. I was going to say we could spread our bounty to the famished people of this land. Oh, I mean, if it's going to be helping us get Terry, I mean, we should just give it away. We only have so much.

I was thinking if we got hungry going. Well, yeah, that too. Henry, you know what? Everybody will carry some except for you, henry i'm a little worried that you're just gonna give out them i'm just there are hungry people here i think we should we should try to take care of them you know i'm gonna give you one okay give this one to anybody you want even if they don't seem hungry just because you want to but the other ones are for us and for helping our you know find out where terry is which is the most important thing right and, Henry? Burn a Sam's Club membership, Henry, to be able to get these bulk jerky box for you to give it away.

To any Tom, Dick, or Harry in a fucking forgotten realm. I go catch, and then I roll athletics to see how good I throw my... Oh, my God, we're really playing D&D here. I throw a power bar at Henry. 12. All right, do I have to make, like, an athletics to catch this fucking thing? No, you certainly don't. I'm doing it.

And I got a 19 minus one and 18. An okay throw. A fantastic catch. Nice catch there, Henry. Sorry about that weak throw. That's okay, bud. How tall is the tower? The tower looks to be about 10 stories tall.

Okay. Big old tower. I'm 5'4". So if anybody wants to get on these shoulders maybe we can climb up it climb away you know what i think let's reconnoiter in the area and then you know maybe that's a good plan we'll file that away for later i know we're kind of in a hurry but i do have a quick question uh since i just opened up the trunk to get those power bars i just knows hey glenn um yeah there's a lot of these flowers back here oh ha yeah oh geez those must have been just extras um from extra what roll deception uh that's a 15

deception okay so you feel like yeah maybe yeah you can get rid of those if you want yeah i'm getting rid of them i pull them out of the minivan and chuck them in the woods. I'm glaring at you the whole time. I definitely was like something was up. What would I have to roll to? Now you guys decide you want to play D&D now? Excuse me. As I was saying, what would I have to roll for Ron to shout out to any potential Rapunzels up in that tower to let down their hair?

You wouldn't have to roll. You could just shout. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. We're really far away, aren't we? Hey, Ron. Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Ron, just maybe let's check out the tavern or something first before we just start screaming into the void, huh?

I'll be here, Rapunzelzel whenever you let down those lovely locks i just sidebar with henry does fran not know the difference between like fairy tales and like fantasy lore the ring shit you know more and more i don't think i know the difference so i'm kind of willing to go with it and see what happens at this point so uh Is that a magic spell? What's Rapunzel? It's a fun story, kiddo. Well, you know, I think there might be a DVD of Tangled somewhere in this van. We'll tell you all about it later.

Cool, cool. So when you yell Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, at the top of the tower, some dark ravens sort of fly away from the tower, and you realize that there is a balcony at the very top of the tower where presumably somebody could sort of stand and just look down at the people beneath okay well ron let's i think we should go try to find terry let's go let's head over that inn seems like a good place to get information the tavern so you head to the tavern is there a cool name no there's no name on it if there was one it's sort of been worn away by the moisture of the fog like you could see actually like this weird like warped sign that used to probably have the name on it but now it just like looks perverted and weird

and the art is all messed up so it's like dicks all over it no perverted in a different sense oh okay henry touches the sign and does legolas voice again it says a foul evil is corrupted i'm sorry guys i don't know why i keep doing that i'm just getting into the mood are you nervous should we not go in there henry you're saying some weird stuff we should be cautious oh okay all right let's go in is Peyton tagging along with us yeah yeah we're not leaving him at the minivan because you guys might need some muscle good point Peyton you gotta be out of that shitty town so I feel like I you know and now we're back in a bar your favorite place oh yeah I mean if you want me to fight somebody for money i can do it oh you

don't have to fight for money anymore now paid and you're with us but i like that so well you know we'll figure that out in the boston's got a w i think you really like this thing called football when we uh get back to the well you have to explain it to me but yeah well it's fun it's like fighting well i like it already all right i'm a slip paid in by the way my leatherman which has a knife which was previously my weapon prior to nunchucks oh thanks this is some does he have to do slide his hand to see if any of us notice him do that are you trying to hide it yeah and i do a 19 nobody sees it he palms it he winks at you because he's weird he's just like wink So you enter the tavern, and a wave of emotional sadness just hits you.

It's like every empty-eyed person you've ever seen trying to drink away their misery. It's like they all came here. You see a lot of older people. They're hunched over. There are bags under their eyes. They're nursing goblets of something that doesn't look very good budweiser yeah it's like bud and uh everyone's just moving really slow do they uh look at us or respond to us or anything the bartender raises his eyes to sort of see you and he sort of squints

that's what i'm doing right now uh and then he just goes back to cleaning glasses and stuff all the other uh patrons of the bar are just too busy just drinking to even give a shit that you're in there. Hi, is it seat yourself or is there a hostess? Can we just grab a booth? The bartender just looks up at you and just like nods and then sort of points vaguely at the bar where there are a bunch of open seats. One of you choose to roll perception. 17. Because sad dive bars are Ron's specialty, really, right?

Let's be honest. So you notice that everyone here, not only in the bar, but peeking out of the windows as you approached the bar, no one here seems to be under the age of like 20. Everybody seems to be on the older side, or if they're in their 30s, they have the wear and tear of somebody

who has been through a lot more than that. No kids. Hey, where are the kids in this town, huh? The people that were drinking just look up at you and just put their heads in their hands and they put their drinks down and they just start sobbing.

No, hey, I didn't mean to make you sad. I just meant you all look so old. I think we walked into something pretty bad here, boys. The bartender just looks at you and goes, yeah, misery tends to have that effect on people. Hey, Daryl Wilson, nice to meet you. Sorry about my friend there. We weren't talking about no kids in general. We're actually looking for a specific kid.

We're looking for Ron's son, Terry. My son. I used to call him my stepson, but he's my son. He's my son. He doesn't look anything like me. He's not related to me biologically at all, but he looks like, shoot, I wish

I had a picture of him or could remember. He's taller than I am, and he's got some sandy, blondish hair, and he's taller than I am, and he's got some sandy, blondish hair, and he's got this frown on his face. Oh, my God. And he's a real good boy.

The bartender says, like, there's a lot of frowning going around. Let me save you the trouble. Just leave. Hey, I came here, though. I'm not a stepfather. I'm the father that stepped up. And I came here to Rogue Pot all the way to get my stepson, Cherry Jr.

Your kid's got to be dead by now. Just like everybody else's. What's going on in this place here, man? They don't like us to talk about it, but you notice the big ominous tower? We did see that, yeah. Kids go in there and they don't come out. Or if they do, they ain't the same. What do you mean by not the same?

I don't want to say. I can't say anymore. He doesn't like it when we tell people what's going on. Who doesn't like it when you tell people what's going on? I'm not supposed to tell you what's going on. You think I'm going to tell you the name of the guy who told me not to tell you what's going on? You might.

Who told you not to say that guy's name? This is infinite recursion. This could go on forever. What's infinite recursion? How long has this been happening? Oh, God. At least six months. Do you happen to remember a kid coming into town about a

week ago? Well, he, and the way he says he seems to have a capital H on it. Two, three weeks ago, he came back from Neverwinter with a kid. Kind of looked like not you, if that's what we're... That's what Terry looks like. He looks like

not me. Yeah, he looked very much not like you. I mean, based off of what the other kids have gone up to, it wouldn't be surprising if Terry got caught up with a dangerous sort of gentleman. Well, on the plus side, Ron, if he was his companion of some sort, you know, he's probably helping him kill the

kids, maybe not actually be dead himself. Yeah, Terry Jr. could be just as evil. That would be fabulous. That would be great, but, you know, there's a chance he's alive and there's a chance that we can help out. Hey, um, dad huddle for a second. Okay, guys, give us one second, sir. I mean, it makes no difference to me either way. Can I actually have a beer, by the

way? It's been a tough day. Yeah, sure. That'll be a... Well, it was going to be a silver piece but we recently had to transfer to the gold standard that's fine we're gonna i'll give you again he hands you a flag and of just like the most rancid looking budweiser smelling ass beer i had him a power bar say hey this is a pretty good food some protein just wraps it and eats it and with no expression change on his face he goes this is the most delicious thing i've ever had i'm glad i'm glad but i just drink the whole beer as henry starts talking in one gulp as fast as i can i

was just gonna say it sounds like this guy knows something glenn maybe you could use some of your charm on that i've kind of i gotta say as a musician the road, there's an itch when you walk into a dive bar and you see a bunch of glum folks. Hey, Peyton, what's a good song? What's the one that everyone kind of loves? A banger hit, if you will. Like a toe-tapper, like a happy one that your parents like or one that really resonates with the kids? Let's go with the parents. All right.

The parents really love Dance of the Blue Dragon. Dance of the Blue Dragon. Dance of the Blue Dragon. I'm going to look this up in my book of tablature. Oh, yeah. In Kids Barred. So, yeah, Kids Barred, you can see from reading the lyrics, it was a song that was very clearly a metaphor for, like, two dragons having, like, very explicit penetrative sex.

But the Kids Barred lyrics just, like, change it so that they're, like, hugging a lot and, like. Spending a lot of time together. Spending a lot of time. Spending a lot of time sharing sodas and stuff. Plus the magic dragon. Yeah. It's something you could play on your guitar. Hey, Payton, it's called the dance of the blue dragon.

Yeah. Well, why is he so blue? It's a skin thing. There are different colors of dragons. They're metallic dragons. So he's not sad? I mean, no, because he's having sex in the story i love that pain it just sees right through the kids bob bullshit i love the real

shit uh i'm gonna talk to the bartender like hey you mind if i uh liven the place up a bit and i kind of gesture to my acoustic i had strapped on my back. You know what? And while you're doing that, I just feel like, you know, sometimes when I'm feeling down and in the dumps, I just need to clean up my room and spruce up the place a little bit. So I'm going to cast just a little puff of wind to get a little fresh air in here. It's been a little bit since anyone has, you know, maybe

cracked open a window. A little dank and musty in here. So I say, hey everyone, turn those frowns upside down and I don't know i don't have to roll anything it's a cantrip and i i do a little puff of air just like kind of sprucing the place so you see like three or four like old people with just dark circles under their eyes and the their hair just blows back a little bit as they give you just the look of the dead and then their hair stops blowing and then one of them's like thanks hey i couldn't help but know so what was your name

again sir oh thank god my least favorite part i don't have to do anymore because our lovely patreon supporters have given us a bunch of cool names i used to be the guy in charge of making children's clothes around here but that was a long long time ago but you can call me tim the spool man taylor that was from Craig Elder. Thank you, Craig. Thank you, Craig. Pleasure to meet you, Tim. Gotta say that name reminds me of my favorite show.

So bring a smile to my face. I think there's maybe a few homes around here that could use some improvement. When you say that, he goes... I couldn't help but notice that your brew could need a little work, and I'm actually a brewmaster myself. Maybe if you show me how you're making the beer there, I could spruce it up a bit. This is like an episode of Queer Eye, except we're just rolling in as dads to fix this bar.

People need to cheer up. We're playing dad eye right now. The fucking theme song plays. We busted through the front door. I'm going to be the Karamo of this group and try to get it. Everyone's emotional problems. That's what Henry's doing. So you're playing music,

right? Correct. I'm going to start laying down the dance of the blue dragons. Are you doing like a charm spell or what's the, this is just straight performance. We're trying to cheer people up. You're trying to just cheer them up. Yeah.

Okay, cool. Lips are looser when there's a smile on them well that's good uh yeah that's good hey folks more of henry's homespun wisdom can be yours at will be campus on twitter so he just shows you a really embarrassingly unkempt still is that what you make beer out of it would be like a big uh they probably have a big i don't know like a mash pot yeah if you have power it's fermenting yeah so if you show you the fermenting pot and it just looks like everything about the stuff the actual machinery is fine but it's just got the shitty like twisted roots that you saw on the way and the blackened

roots that's what's fermenting in there it's gross beer all right payton go ahead and give me some cheesecloth look your problem here is that you got this vat is just open to the sky you got a bunch of stuff going on so i'm daryl wilson is cleaning out the beer and putting a cheesecloth over it and just doing work while these dads why don't you roll something is there like yeah i got brew supplies right i believe with my brewer supplies i can just make good beer okay i don't think there's any sort of rolling unless there's like no raw crafting materials available but since they're literally brewing beer daryl you know what

might spruce up that beer a little bit is a couple of good berries my friend and then i clap my hands and cast good berry and a bunch of berries appear in my hands that's a thing that's a spell it's called good berry oh i love the idea also that's like this can be explained two ways right this could be druid powers or it could just be we've spent enough time outside and henry's the kind of guy who would just low key picking yeah low key just be like taking some good berries i should have known henry was a framboise boy i don't know what that is what is that sorry framboise raspberries a lambic boy lambic is a fruit beer beth lambic okay we're gonna say these are big berries. Up to 10 berries

appear in your hand. Bold as berries. And are infused with magic for the duration. A creature can use its action, eat one berry, and it restores one hit point. But we're just going to say these berries taste really good, too. I make a good lambic. A little water deep lambic is what we call it. Fantastic. You make a great lambic, then. Hey, Tim, give

this a little sip. How fast did this beer get made? Hey, Tim, this is going to taste real good in about a week. All right, I guess I'll take your word for it. Guys, I was going to say brewing is one of the few things that makes me feel good. And after that whole CERN incident, I really just need a little bit of time to myself. He can smell it, though. And he's like, that smells pretty good.

Yeah, thanks, Tim. So I appreciate you all letting me go ahead and brew some beer. I'm going to go ahead and start. I'm going to perform. They've been waiting a long time. It's going to be the dance of the blue ball dragon. So this is going to be, I'm going to tune up the old acoustic guitar

and do a performance of the song. And that's going to be, that was a 15. Okay, it's good. Some toes would be tapping. And I'm singing the Kidz Bop version whoa shit if you're singing the kids bop version they kind of like look up and like right when it's about to get to the part where the dragon enters his loving partner consensually consensually yeah but the kids bop version just mentions like he throws an arm around him you can see all the the older people in the bar like get excited for it and then kind of get disappointed because they realize, oh my God,

this is the Kidz Bop version. I noticed the shift in room climate and very quickly, with my feet, flip back to the adult version and then go back to singing the NC-17 Parental Advisor suggested lyrics. Almost as if their bodies don't want them to do it, they're swaying a little bit to the music.

It's a good jam. Maybe a little another puff of air there henry hey yeah you know i use my cantrip to give a little blast of air to freshen up the room a little bit i love that this is like the most like lame pyrotechnics show it's just like what can they do it's like is it a light show it's like you know what just occasionally air blows i can do an odor so i'm gonna do a little just a little smell of roses okay some roses okay just the raw stench of dragon sex freshen do an odor. So I'm going to do a little, just a little smell of roses. Some roses. Just a raw stench of dragon sex. Just a refreshing...

Just that musk. It's like your hair. It just smells like roses. Welcome to a 4G performance of the Blue Dragons dance. I get a bunch of water on my fingers and I start just like flicking it at them. It's like Honey, I Shrunk the Audience. Oh no, there are rats in the audience. Look out, you're in the splash zone.

Okay, so yeah, they raise their heads a little bit and start sniffing the air. And I'm like, okay, but I mean, they're still... Smells like two dragons fucking. But yeah, I feel like it's time for you to bring it home, Ron. Damn. I want to use ron's actor power to either do um an impression of whoever they're most afraid of but i worry that it might turn into intimidation well

and you also don't know who they're most afraid of so you're sort of operating off of you could you can guess and describe to me what you think ron ron henry has an idea where henry does henry says that in the third person for some reason. Ron is willing to listen. Ron, you're such a funny guy, and you're such a good performer, as we saw. Maybe you could do a little stand-up set making fun of the man in the tower.

A tight five. A tight five. A tight five. Because they all hate this guy in the tower, right? I immediately switched to playing a walking bass line. Mel Brooks said the best way to diminish Hitler's power was to make fun of him. That's why I love Mel Brooks' movies. Maybe make fun of that guy in the tower.

Maybe they'll be less scared to talk to us about him if you do some observational humor about the man in the tower. Okay, let's see. So, Tool Man, the man in the the tower what's up with that daryl laughs like try uh why don't you go and roll persuasion okay 15 plus oh shit this is fucking zero he's killing so tim the tool man taylor is like what is the deal with him and and he's like almost shocked that like he laughed. Like everybody in the bar like looks at him and he's like, I'm sorry, it was funny. It was just, it was really good observational comedy.

I'm sorry. Keep it going, keep it going. They're loving it, Ron, they're loving it. Do another bit. Oh yes, what if the tower is so tall because his dick is not tall at all? It is, it's... Roll with advantage.

roll with advantage 12 and oh my god 16 so now even a couple of the other patrons start laughing and they're like it's funny cause it's true

his dick might not be tall I bet it's all old like a tower too all wally and and um and uh pitt's like he's dying he's dying somebody just his dick that is i offer from on the stage uh yeah it's all wally his dick that is all right i guess i guess that counts sure go for it. His dick, that is. Maybe, like, compare, like, his pubes to, like, the vines and stuff that's around here. Oh, there you go. His pubic hair is like the gorgeous vines that once grew but are now just less nice. And they can really use some sprucing up.

Go ahead and roll. Just roll now. You can stop talking. Just roll. There's definitely some looks of confusion. Five. There's looks of confusion. And they kind of, like, stop laughing. Just roll. There's definitely some looks of confusion. Five. There's looks of confusion. And they kind of like stop laughing.

They're like, ah. And one of them's like, it's a little hackneyed. Kind of heard that before. Yeah, like his dick. Oh, roll with advantage again. Seven. Seven plus anything? No.

Well, what's her actor ability, though? She can just do impersonations. Oh, that doesn't give you a plus thing? You want to see an impersonation of this tower? The tower? The tower? Yeah. He just stands on the stool.

So the audience goes like, oh! They're like slapping the bar and stuff like that, and they're kind of like laughing, but their faces are in this like rictus mask of terror and sadness. But they're like, and you get sounds like sobbing as well. If only we could survive going up to that tower. And,

and that's how sex feels sometimes. Like you're climbing a tall, dangerous, perilous thing, but then you succeed and find your son. My son was not born out of sex with a tower. What's up with that?

Jesus Christ. Daryl goes to pick up Ron and just kind of like pull him. I'm like, leave him wanting more. Leave him wanting more. But, like sex, going up the tower might also bring me a son. Alright, so. What's up with that? Tim the Toolman Taylor

just like puts his hands on his shoulders like, I see what you're trying to do, okay? I get it. Appreciate it. It was a great tight fight. It wasn't tight-est, but it was like 75% pretty tight.

Like his dick. I would drop the, what's up with that? You're going very heavy on the dick thing and it's just a little bit more like, needs more texture to it. Like his dick, ha ha,

no, I get it. Don't, okay. So here's what it is. This he came to rookapood when it was it was a relatively thriving little farming village back when it was called rock back when it's called rockport he demanded we add all those accents on it it's it's a pain every time i say it and he built his tower and he started having the children of the town come over to work for him to help him build it. He said he'd pay him really well. And they just stopped coming back for a while.

And we didn't see them. And then eventually they started coming back, but not like they were. And as he says this, the door to the bar opens and you see a small child walk in with ash white skin. And hair is patchy in places. It looks like it's been falling out. And she points a finger that sort of scans the room and she goes, Who has been making fun of the master

with incredibly insightful comedy? All the people in the bar run and Tim the Tool Man Taylor's like, Why did I let her into the bar when she was alive? I should have never invited her in. Fuck, I'm an idiot. Hi, little girl. You got the wrong bar.

There's no one in here who's been doing that. Roll deception. Not great. I got a six. She points at you and then starts walking towards you. It was you. You have spoken ill of the master. No, no. towards you it was you you have spoken of the master no no we were you know it's it's you know we're laughing with the master not at the master we were all making fun of your master i'm daryl

wilson we're pretty upset here it sounds like your master's been uh taking their kids i also put my hand in front of payton like don't fight this one yet so uh be ready pain's like punching his his fucking fist into his other hand you know fist into his other pain very slowly like unfurls yeah the metal file yeah the file and i'm like no no the other one he's like a wine opener i got it sorry he opens the wine opener i'm gonna open this motherfucker like a bottle no no pain there's that there's a knife attachment i don't need no knife so the little girl she gets all up on Daryl, like right in your grill, and she like climbs up you because she's like small, but she climbs up to like look you straight in the eye.

Roll perception, Daryl. 17. Okay, so you notice two holes on her neck. Two holes on her, like where on her neck? Like at the base of her neck. Like in the sort of vampire spot. Like in the vampire spot, you buffoon. That's literally all I was checking.

I was wondering if it's vampire spot or matrix spot or Ender's Game spot. What matrix? In the back of the neck. Oh, in the base of her neck. That's like the back of the skull. But it's only one. Yeah, Matt, I hate to break it to you.

A 17 roll doesn't let you see behind someone's head. Just checking where it was. No, man, she's like break it to you. A 17 roll doesn't let you see behind someone's head. Just checking where it was. No, man. She's like Tank and Dozer. Yeah. Born pure free 100% in the last human city, Zion. All right. So she climbs up on me.

I kind of just pick her up and put her back down. And I go, and I go, and I look around. It's like, hey, hey, guys, this is going to sound weird, but she's got no other way to say she got vampire bite. So did you turn away from her to tell the guys that I like look? I mean, to the right. Okay, so she is just gonna leap at you. Is this like initiative attack? Yeah, like everybody should run.

Is it initiative time? Oh, my God. She got a fucking 20 on her initiative roll oh jump scare i got a three i got a five i got a seven i got a five what you're saying is i was like hey guys it's kind of weird but on her neck she's got and then she just like jumped at me yeah she's because all of you got less than her you can decide what order i don't care we'll decide on the first round yeah it's also like it is a thing if you're a dm and you're like initiative is a big problem just do it like before the monsters and then after the monsters it makes it a lot simpler for you so we can kind of like game plan yeah exactly so she is going to

leap at you and try to grab you by the shoulders okay oh yikes make a saving throw with your dexterity okay natural one god one. God! Natural one. My God. Okay, so that's so bad that she's going to actually get an additional action. Okay. You are now grappled. Okay. Grappled means a grappled creature's speed becomes zero. It ends if you're incapacitated. It just means you can't move. How hard

did this six-year-old girl pin this dude? That's great. That's vampire strength, baby. Freaking Hannah over here. So she tries to bite you. I got chucks okay so her first bite uh fails and her second bite no oh yes is daryl gonna become a fucking vampire okay i have to die to become a vampire okay so she's going to do oh this is like a straight-up horror movie right now. Okay.

She hits you for 19 damage. Whoa! I have 45 hit points. That's a chunk. It's a chunk. No, it's a big hit. Oh, shit. No, she hits you for 23 damage.

Okay. I mean, that's a bigger chunk for sure. I think I'm so shocked. I kind of just stare, and I don't finish the sentence, and I kind of just point at her to finish it for me. I'm just like, she has... So also, her bite, she did nine necrotic damage to you, which reduces

your maximum hit points by nine points. Oh. So even if you get healed, you will only go up to your maximum minus nine. So you only go up to 32 until you take a long rest. Okay, so now it is up to y'all to go. In a flash, the nunchucks maybe maybe the third time

will be the charm the first flourish is a natural 20 flourish oh that counts as uh let's say three flourishes all right and then i'm gonna go directly into the attacks i'm gonna plus three okay so that's gonna be 13 oh i'm, I'm sorry. A 13 does not hit. 13 plus three doesn't hit? A 16 definitely hits. So go ahead and roll damage. So that's going to be one D6. One plus two, three damage.

These nunchucks need to be customized later. Yeah, we'll upgrade them. I make a note to be like, gotta upgrade these chucks. So what does grapple do, by the way? Grapple means you cannot move. Okay. Ain't that a pain in the neck?

Ooh! Very good. So you get inspiration. Everybody else try to build on it. Not a really good way to fang someone. Alright. Yep. Yep. Yep. That bites. That's good. So everybody is fine. Except for me.

Yeah, you're just going to take a d4 damage. You're going to take more damage, Matt? You can't come up with a vampire putt or a vampire putt i was doing from a tooth uh well i i yeah ain't that the tooth all right that's great all right so uh you're gonna i assume it will redirect all that damage onto the kid yes all right so that'll be seven damage to this vampire so i can't move uh what i want to do is she buys my neck i want to grab her feet okay i'm gonna swing her by the feet as quickly as I can head to table. Okay. Like a little rag doll.

I am raging. We're going to do a strength check to see if you can overwhelm her grabbing your shoulders. Okay. I gain advantage on strength check. Great. So that's a 19. Okay. So you do it.

So you wrench her away and her claws kind of dig into your polo shirt a little bit, ripping it on the shoulders. So now it looks like her. Yeah. Your polo shirt is now ripped. And then, yeah, I put her over my head and I slam her down onto the table. You're having kids fight adults, man. What do you expect? This is great.

I mean, she's just been mine. I'm like, I this is just instinct. OK, so roll a I guess a melee attack. Yeah. And I have tavern brawler. And we're in a tavern. We're in a tavern, baby. That's going to be a 19 plus 5.

That's going to be a 24 hit. That's for sure. And then the damage will be 3 plus 3, so 6 damage. Okay. If it's just an unarmed punch, I don't know what you're going to do for, like, me throwing her head into a table. I mean, her throwing her head into a table

is, like, at least plus 2 more, so let's say it's a... The table modifier. The table modifier. Ow! Is what I say when I throw her head to the table is like at least plus two more. So let's say it's the table modifier. The table modifier. Oh, is what I say when I throw her head against the table. Does the table break? There's just like a big her head shaped hole in the table. It's just straight through it.

And wood splinters go everywhere. Ikea. Wood splinters go everywhere. Wood splinters. Okay. Oh, Tavern Brawler lets me do an action to attempt to grapple the target. Okay, go for it. So I'm going to try to hold her down.

Strength check. So I get advantage on strength checks. That's a natural 20. Wow. Whoa. All right. So you just pin her to the fucking ground and she's struggling under you

and blood is just streaming from her, what you now see are fangs. And like, she's like, fuck you. Payton, I'm tagging you in buddy. Get in here. Hey then. And I'm going to yell to pay them. I'm going to give paid in bardic inspiration.

I'm like, pay it. You're wasting it on pay. I got multiples. A canonically the worst fighter in the entire forgotten realm. No, pay them. Have the eye of the fucking tiger.

And I saw that and I said, pay them. I believe in you payden comes in and he is going to attempt to attack with the knife he gets a 19 holy shit yes all right and he has bardic inspiration don't forget so what does bardic inspiration do for 10 minutes a creature can add it to an ability check attack roll or saving throw all right well definitely add it to the attack roll he gets that add a 1d6 jesus christ question yeah daryl they know he had a knife like what i would want to do is like i would see him raising a knife and i would think where this case i would try to stop him from

stabbing her all right you can do a uh a dexterity check with disadvantage okay if you succeed you'll lose the grapple uh it's a four okay so you didn't succeed so you kind of like wave at him as he goes by but payton's like no time for this i was straight into fucking pits i know what i'm doing and he and he leaps into the air and holds the knife up and just fucking brings it down fucking like anime style just right into her goddamn eye oh my god oh no and he just sort of like digs it out. I smile and nod knowing that my assessment

of Peyton's fighting skill was correct. Yeah, he goes, I have the fucking eye of a tiger and you got the eye of Peyton's knife. And the vampire

is just like, just fucking pissed off. How much damage does he do? He did six damage. Peyton, where'd he get that knife? Children fighting children. What's up with that?

Thank you. I'll be here for as long as we're here. He says what we're all thinking. I pick up one of the wood shards and I say, make no mistake. Oh! Very good. Very good. We just did one, so don't worry about it. That one was just for show.

That one was just for the ladies. Okay, so you can... That was very well done. That one was just for the ladies. Okay. So you can, um, that was very well done. Ooh, wow. Double level, Matt.

Wow. Well done. Well done. The dad joke on the dad joke. We've reached second level dad joke. It happened. Don't have a cow, man.

I hate this podcast. Don't worry. So does everybody else. I lean in with my steak and I say, try anything. I hate this podcast. Don't worry, so does everybody else. I lean in with my steak and I say, try anything, I'll tell you to bite me. Wait, wait. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Wait, if you try anything, you're going to bite it.

Not me. Still with disadvantage because she's under the thrall of somebody. Okay. Fucking vampire rules. It's a two. All right. She says, your puns are bullshit. Okay. Fucking vampire rules. It's a two. All right. She says, your puns are bullshit. You fucking suck at them.

Those are fair assessments and I'm working on them. Henry is going to cast entangle on the little girl to try to just cool this situation down for a second. She fails her strength saving throw because she has already been pinned

by our boy. Nice. And she's entangled for like a minute. So I say, cool it. No more stabbing the the little girl i give a light thumbs up to payton and a nod and he goes and pulls up a knife and walks back a little bit and the vampire girl looks at you all struggling against her vines and she takes a deep inhale and the fucking bruise on her head from you throwing her into the table and the wound in her eye just begin to seal up and go away and she regains 10 hit points whoa whoa she's like the

terminator and tim the two-man taylor as he's running out the door goes like you don't want to do this like they're way way way stronger than any of us you You guys should just run. I'm out. And he bolts. And so to give you some insight into the meta aspect of this. So usually the way that D&D works is there is a challenge rating and you match a challenge rating to the average level of everybody in a party. Like typically you would want a challenge rating of four for a group of four level four people. This vampire spawn is a level five. So she's one level higher than you it'll be really hard to kill her so if you want to run i just want to remind you that's a viable thing you can do in dnd if you want to try and kill her you can it'll just be really fucking tough so she's healed up but she's still entangled

she's still entangled and she's just sitting there screaming at us yes the master will tell you limb from limb the master will floss with your gizzard. The master will shit down your throat and then eat your ass. Can you? What? He's going to eat our butts?

Yeah. That's his thing. You know what you sound like? This is my impression of you. Master's going to eat our ass. Master's going to bite your ass. Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass.

Master. Mask. Aster. That's what you sound like. That's really good, Ron. That's pretty good. Hey, Ron, maybe... S-S-S-S-S-S-Master. Master. That's what you sound like. That's really good, Ron. That's pretty good. Hey, Ron, maybe... Did you take acting lessons? Hey, yeah, yeah, I did.

I'm Ron Stampler. Ron F. Stampler. She takes a D6 of damage from how good your... Oh, wow, she takes 6 damage from how good your impression was. Is this anybody's child in here? There's no one in the room oh everybody left oh sorry to an empty room all right uh i think uh try uh if she's a vampire go ahead and try to stab her in the heart there uh we're not killing anybody i don't care if she's

a vampire she's a little girl no she's a vampire i don't give a shit i'm not letting anyone kill a little girl in front of me guys we've taken a lot of l's recently i'm not gonna watch a little girl turn into dust or whatever in front of us. Maybe there's a way to cure her. We don't know. Usually vampire rules are like if you kill the head vampire, the thrall is broken. Do you want to be responsible? We've already killed so many freaking children in this world.

How many more kids do you want to kill? Henry, I'm hearing you. I'm hearing you. I'm taking a breath. I'm calming down. Okay, my vines I don't think are going to last that much longer. Yeah, so it seems like the options are either kill her or get out of here. And real quick, and we know that she's super powerful, right?

Yes, you can feel from the way that she bit you that she's more powerful than she should be. Also, 40 seconds remaining. Hey, guys, are you timing like for real? Yes. Hey, guys, everyone skedaddled here. I say we win and run. We get the fuck out of here. Okay, let's run east.

And I give everyone a wink like because we're not gonna go and a little girl you're not invited into our minivan i mean into our house wherever we are you're not invited you're not invited and you need to we run okay cool um so in 11 seconds she will be free i think we got both towards the minivan right uh yeah where do you guys do you do you head to the van yeah we should probably head to the van everyone into the minivan yeah we don't know what other houses she could have been in. I say we run to the minivan. We can drive the minivan up close to houses.

It's true. So, yeah, you jump into the minivan, and then exactly 11 seconds later, she runs out of the tavern just ripping branches off of her. And as you're all inside, she, like, slams on the door of the minivan, and she's like, could I come in, though? No. Ha! No. Could I come in, though? no could i come in though no no i'm very different now no no very no it'll be way no i'll be you guys are dicks

and we flip her off yeah i'm gonna tell master about you you guys fucking suck and she starts just like just depressed just starts walking back to the tower she's like stupid fucking ass vampire rules. I roll down the window. Hey, hey, just kidding. Come over here. Yeah, yeah. You can't come in. Oh, fuck you.

You suck. That's what you sound like right now. Hey, hey, hey, little girl. What? We'll let you in if you tell us where Terry Jr. is. Roll deception. I got an eight on my deception. Okay, she goes, I'm not fucking, I'm not that stupid, dick.

You know what? I can't get in, but I can do this. And she sits on the hood of the car and just crosses her arms. Well, I could be here all night. Hey, check this out.

I lean in and I Blair the horn. She's like, fuck. I keep hitting the horn. Get off. No, I don't know. Hey Daryl,

don't you have, um, like a windshield wiper? I do the little water windshield wiper thing. So I'm assuming that the spritzer isn't quite right, so like a little bit goes forward away from the fucking windshield, and it hits her, and she's like, oh, shit. Oh, God.

Like she clearly doesn't like being wet. It doesn't seem to be hurting her, but she's like, she tries to scoot a little bit to the side to avoid the jet of water. Guys, I have an idea. What is that, Henry? I was ordained as a priest in the Universal Life Church when I married my friends. Is that a Catholic church?

It's a church that celebrates all religions and all peoples that allows you to get married in certain states. Okay. So I married my two friends, Sandy and Cynthia. You married two people? That's fucking tight. I married them to each other, Peyton, but I like where your head's at. I married them to each other, Peyton, but I like where your head's at. But I think maybe that could give me the ability to maybe consecrate this water, you know, to be like holy water. Oh, like the washer fluid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the washer fluid. Give her the holy squirter. Daryl, it looks like you might have a problem with this course of action. You can do, I just don't think it's gonna work and i uh i don't think you can consecrate the water why not i think you're being a little flippant about my religion there henry uh it doesn't feel like you're you're just uh so you think you can just uh consecrate some holy water is that how it works over there and i know you know what you're right yeah you're right

it would be culturally appropriative of me to take this ritual and bless this water and it would be offensive to someone in the car so i'm not going to do it i appreciate that daryl though next time we're having a conversation about cultural appropriation maybe then now that you've seen how it feels on the other shoe maybe you could be a little bit more empathetic about the idea you know uh yeah yeah that's true. I appreciate you not, yeah, thank you. I will do an impression of a Catholic priest and bless the water and said. You know what?

I like good humor. Go ahead, Ron. What's your Catholic priest impression? Yeah, what's your type five about Catholicism, Beth? Eric, good go. I'm just going to go the safe route here and say, it's me. I'm a Catholic priest.

Feel very, very very guilty i love god priest priest priest god god god guilt guilt guilt daryl is finds this fucking hysterical oh so he can joke that's pretty good no it's true i can't bless water guilty no it's it's oh man run what's your impression of a priest blessing holy water in like Salem minivan. Um, I bless this water as long as we get out of mass before 2 p.m. All right, so you bless the water and it hits her and she's like, you're not a real priest. All right, little lady, I'm giving you 10 seconds to get off this vehicle. I'm giving you 10 seconds to invite me in.

I start the engine. You're invited in to get off this vehicle. I'm giving you 10 seconds to invite me in. I start the engine. You're invited in to the heart of Christ. You just said the words, you're invited in. To the heart of Christ. Floor it! I floor it! Okay, so you floor it, and as her eyes get wide with realization that you invited her in, she begins

to claw towards you, and you just, and she goes, she didn't realize this thing could fucking move, and she's, and like, rolls over the top of the car and then it hits the ground what the hell ron thank god this is like running into mr x and resident evil it's like we have like a super powerful scary thing after us now it's so stressful anthony it's great she can get into our safe part it's like the second half of resident evil we gotta get into another house or something so where are you driving to so i'm just driving well it's just we're pointing i'm just driving back into town essentially you're driving

back into town to the left is the is a road that leads to the tower and to the right you see a couple of homes and you also see the one that catches your eye the most is a home with a bunch of ravens on the the roof of it almost like a fucking lawrence fisheran from john wick or like any you know any of those fucking characters that are like i keep a bunch of doves and like cages on the top of my house yeah the rich western history of characters who keep doves a little movie called on the waterfront ghost dog wave the samurai my mom just kidding donna you don't like birds so yeah what do you do just blow through someone's house man we gotta get inside someone's house so the vampire can't

follow i don't know how it works if you blow through a house maybe the vampires can go through non-door openings i drive not towards the tower i start driving towards uh the town i'm probably driving to the first place that i noticed so what's the most obvious is the one with the birds on top would probably be that. Everybody get ready to hop out and get in. Peyton, you there, buddy? Make sure you're following us. Don't stay in the car.

Oh, sorry. I'm Peyton. Peyton, are you okay? Peyton! No, I'm just fucking... Are you sleeping? Yeah, I was tired. All right, little buddy.

I get it. But you got to get ready to hop out of the car here. Sure. Yeah, I'm on top of it. I power slide. i don't know why we ran personally i feel like we could have taken it i slam on the emergency brakes and because it's probably a dirt road i do a sick power slide with my vehicle handling very sick so 17 plus three says a 20 and literally as i'm sliding i press the automatic uh side doors the door starts opening for you guys on the right side and i get this thing like side door the van right to the door of the house so they're like flush with one you're like flush that's some dead parking skill

all those fucking sundays at costco baby paying off. That's really good. Right from Mass to Costco. Yep, that's Daryl's life. This is a maneuver he's practiced many times. The doors open, but flush against a closed front door to this house. Get in, get in, open the door, guys. I try to open the door. It's locked. Knock, knock, hello.

So the slat opens and it goes, who is it? We're not vampires, let us in. I'm going to need a little more proof than that No, we all show the next Next are fine. Look all the next totally clear all the next are fine. All right the door. All right. All right Wait, did you let the girl vampire in there's a little girl vampire out there? I don't let a vampire I'm still here. Why are you chasing us? Just make sure you don't let her in we got chasing you So as he says that you could see like she's fucking like t1000 like walking towards

She's fucking like running straight to it. he's like i don't know who you are i have no reason to let you in i'm fucking like we got food we got supplies we're gonna help next show me the food show me the food i hold up all the power bars all right so she opens the door i'm still showing him my neck i don't care about your neck i know you're not a vampire so she lets you in i i don't know how far away she is but I'm throwing as many of our supplies as we can through the airlock. Ooh, okay. So you can ensure that all the supplies get in, but you will give the vampire girl three rolls to try to get into the van. Okay.

Or you can do it half-assedly and only get one-third of your supplies. I'm going to try to get all the supplies in. Okay. I catch what Daryl's doing, and also because, again, from the previous adventure, I feel like I owe him something and he's mad at me. I'm going to help him out in this endeavor. in this okay good so she only gets two rolls then so she claws at the door but doesn't realize how it opens like how a handle actually opens the door so by the time you guys

successfully throw all of your supplies into this house just as the owner of the house is about to slam the door you see her finally figured out and wrench open the door of the van it's like an alien mover she's like coming at you and then bam the door slams right in finally figured out and wrench open the door of the van. It's like an alien mover. She's like coming at you. And then bam, the door slams right in her face. And she's like, nah, can I come in though?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it and just wanted her name to be in the thing. So congratulations, Aaron O'Neill. Inside this room, you were really surprised to find that despite the shitty situation that every other

place in this town has been in, this is a really nicely decorated room. Above the fire is a stew that's bubbling that actually smells pretty good. And Aaron brushes her red hair out of her eyes and sort of stirs a little bit and then turns to you. She goes, hi, Aaron O'Neill. What are you idiots doing here? We came to this town in search of our friend Ron's son. This is Ron. This is Ron. Hi, I'm Ron. He's our friend.

No, he looks like a Ron. I kind of figured that. And then we came to town. What does that mean? I mean, you just look like a Ron. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. This is my dad.

It was a compliment. I haven't been bitten by a vampire. Perfect. It was a compliment. Thank you. Oh, excuse me. Ron here lost his kid. And hi, as bitten by a vampire. Perfect. It was a compliment. Thank you. Ron here lost his kid. And hi, as he said, that's Henry.

That's Ron. This is Glenn. I'm Darrell Wilson. Your name's Aaron? My name is Aaron. Thank you so much for opening that door. We're here. Thank you so much, Aaron, for supporting us.

And yeah, we're here to fuck up the guy in the tower. Are you? Wow. That's a tall order. A lot of people have tried and they were more armored and less Ron looking than all of you. Are you sure? Whatever it takes to save Terry Jr., Ron's son.

That's what we're here to do. Terry Jr.? Your son's Terry Jr.? You know Terry Jr.? You know him? Yeah, unfortunately I do. I can hear him come upstairs with me. It's fine. She can't. This still counts as my house even though it's a little bit open air. So she can't come up and find us. Good airflow. Good feng shui in here. Yeah, no, I

thought so. She's like, I'm a garden witch, and most of my skills are about just aesthetics. A garden witch. Yeah, I can make things. I used to be able to make things grow really well, and then this shit heel came to town. Sounds like this place could use some better homes and gardens. She doesn't even take that as much.

She's like, I agree. That would be great if we had better homes and gardens. That would be great to me. So she takes you up to the roof and she says, so here's a, yeah, these are my ravens. I use them to communicate with people outside of the town if you want to talk to anybody or whatever. So Terry Jr. is your kid? Well, he's my stepson.

There's probably something you should see then. She brings you over to a telescope that she got pointed up at that balcony you saw earlier. Okay, I'm going to look through the telescope. Okay, as you look through it. You're going to check to see if it's a prank, like one of them prank telescopes where they put a little ring on your eye?

This is the ring of Shoe Posh. She's like, got you. Darn it, again. So that does actually happen. She's like, ha ha, my kids are gone. Pleasure is very few and far between, sorry. So you look through it and you see, first there's just a cloud of dark fog

but it sort of blows away. And she goes, this is usually when they come out. And you see a figure come out that you recognize as Terry Jr. And he's wearing the cloak of a vampire. But you can see that he still looks like he has all the color in his skin, but he looks a

little tired and then behind him a man in a vampire cloak with the hood up comes out and he puts his a loving hand on his shoulder and then he pulls back the hood and you see the face of terry senior oh my god what's up with that? It'll be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. All you do is try. It'll be alright. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch as our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler.

And myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is Alright by Maxton Waller. Thank you this week to Patreon supporters Craig Elder and Aaron O'Neill who submitted character names that we used in this episode. You can become

a Patreon supporter yourself at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads where fine folks like Leah Parker, Trey Lay the Cray, Doug Melton, Oakley Cannon,

and Lara Morris help make the show possible. EXL model supporters get access to a monthly bonus of indeterminate content. This month's bonus was a video detailing the music recording process for all the music in episode nine, Punk is Dad. All of our tiers are named after the various model designations of Honda Odyssey.

So at the very least, you'll know your way around the Honda dealership if you visit patreon.com slash dungeons and dads, where you can browse our fine selection of minivans and the myriad of ways you can help make this podcast possible we tweet at dungeons and dads we book faces at bit.ly slash dungeon dads our subreddit is r slash dungeons and daddies if you like this show please tell a friend or leave us a review on itunes or tweet at us or put a message of adoration in a bottle and set it afloat and no don't do that there's too much trash in the oceans already, but we do love hearing from you all. Next episode coming at you June 25th. Wait, hold on. June 25th. That can't be right. That's next week. I thought this was a once every two weeks podcast. I wonder what that's all about. You can find the answer over on

our Patreon. Patreon.com. Learn more. Until next week, don't take any wooden nickels and don't touch the thermostat. We'll see you later. Guys, I have an idea. What if we just spend the entire episode making perception checks and just make Anthony go into like more and more minute detail about what this village is like? Like how many perception checks about how many different items do you think we could do? It's exactly 72 degrees. Windchill factor of four. I don't know how you measure. And that man is a Taurus.

You could tell that his wife loved him once, but no longer does. It's just like, it's just like a Russian novel. It's just like this portrait of a small town. We just take a break. One of those passages in like a Dickens novel. Yeah. I'm getting paid by the word here.