Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 12 - A Tale of Two Daddies

Episode Date: July 2, 2019

Trapped in a witch's cottage, the dads face their greatest challenge yet. Glenn does some detective work, Henry reveals latent prejudices, Darryl finally unlocks an achievement, and Ron calls in the h...elp of a friend.This episode contains profanity, violence, and sexual content.This episode containSupport the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Life, they say, can change in an instant. A phone call or a car crash or a chance encounter can turn everything upside down. For the people of Roqueport, a forgotten town in the forgotten corners of the forgotten realms, life changed the instant they came to town. No one in Roqueport had seen a minivan before, and when four dads from another world emerged from within it, searching for a boy named Terry Jr., the townsfolk kept their distance.
Starting point is 00:00:51 Roqueport, you see, had troubles of its own. The streets were dark and silent, an ominous tower loomed over the town, and the children, once the pride and joy of Roqueport were gone. The people of Roqueport lived by one simple rule, do not talk about the man in the tower. But these dads were insistent, even charming. One of them, a man named Ron Stampler, who claimed to be Terry Jr.'s stepfather, so delighted the townsfolk with his observational stand-up comedy that soon their hearts were lifted and their secrets came spilling forth. The dads learned of the man in the tower, a vampire who had put Roquefort's children in his thrall. Soon one of these children came a-knocking and the dads barely escaped with their lives. They found refuge in the hut of a garden witch and, as they plotted their next move, the dads saw something that shook them to their very core.
Starting point is 00:01:47 They saw Terry Jr. atop the tower. Standing next to him was the man. It was a man Ron Stampler knew. A man whose face had haunted his dreams. A man named Terry Sr. Life, they say, can change in an instant. for Ron Stampler, that instant has come. I'm Will Campos, impersonating Aaron Manke, and this is Dungeons and Daddies, sometimes a D&D podcast about four dads. Wait, wait, what? Sometimes a D&D podcast?
Starting point is 00:02:37 Shit. I mean, where's the lie? Leave it in, leave it in. Yeah, that's pretty true. Shit, you're right. At this point, point sometimes a dnd podcast about four dads from our world flung into the forgotten realms and the quest to rescue the lost sons my name is freddie wong i play glenn close the
Starting point is 00:02:51 bard of the group and and also one of the dads and this week's this week's dad fact pretty's on it today he's on his game i know i couldn't come with a good dad fact this week so i was like what's glenn's favorite dad joke and so because you know dad jokes is you know they can be made in
Starting point is 00:03:10 the moment they can be impromptu they can be free jazzed in but a lot of times you gotta go back to the standards the good ones the standbys and my favorite and glenn's favorite dad joke is as follows why do scuba divers fall backwards when they're diving into the water? I don't know, dad. Why do they say they fell forward? They just fall into the boat.
Starting point is 00:03:30 God Glenn likes that one. I thought I'd heard them all gets a lot good last. He opens his sets with that one and then based on the crowd response opens his sets. that one and then based on the crowd response. He opens his sets. Yeah, his Christmas sets. On stage.
Starting point is 00:03:48 Yeah. I like it and I hate it. Because it's a good family-friendly joke. And it's very Christmas-themed. Well, you know, I was looking for the wordplay, the pun there, but then it wasn't.
Starting point is 00:03:58 That's how he gets you. No, that's how he got me. Sometimes jokes don't require thought. It's the rare dad joke that makes you feel stupid. That's what I like about it. And that seems like Glenn's style, too. Do you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:04:08 Like, Glenn's not big on vulnerability, so, like, his dad joke would be about making you think you're dumb. I won. I beat you. What are, like, daughter jokes? Just, like, real sad statements that aren't jokes? I love you so much, and I'm sorry about what this world will do to you. Damn.
Starting point is 00:04:22 Bazinga. Wait, was that the daughter saying that? No, it's the dad. You got to say bazinga at the end of your own jokes. That's how it works, you fool. Hi, I'm Matt Arnold, and I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home sports dad who, upon entering the Forgotten Realms, became a barbarian.
Starting point is 00:04:37 And a little fact about Daryl, his favorite hobby is, of course, sports. Just sports in general. All sports. But his second favorite hobby is of course sports just sports in general all sports but his second favorite hobby is organization if if home depot is his favorite place that container store is his next stop so you know just loves organizing shit from the kitchen to the garage she just likes to keep things nice and clean he likes boxing and boxing yes. He wouldn't say that, but you would. Sparks joy.
Starting point is 00:05:07 Yep. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the granola munchin, crunchy, hippie, nature dad slash druid of the team and the dads. I have some political facts about Henry Oak. I was just watching the Democratic debates. I'm in a political mood. Henry, for like a 20-year period, was as hardcore a Ralph Nader supporter as you can get on Earth.
Starting point is 00:05:30 Ralph Nader, honestly, almost like the perfect liberal dad politician, like big on safety, car safety. You know, Henry loved his stance on the environment. He was a really writer to the point of it like almost ruining and alienating a couple of people in his life, like how much he talked about Ralph Nader up until, of course, the 2000 election in which he reevaluated his stance. And then in 2004, he went hard in the paint for one Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich. Of course he did. Because he was like, I just I want to I want someone electable this time.
Starting point is 00:06:00 Somebody with the glitz and vavoon that Kucinich so embodies. Kucinich movie star quality just swept him away. Imagine Henry going around like, now I'm a Dukakis man. I'm a Dukakis man. If I say I'm a Dukaka, you'll agree. So that's Henry this week. Loves Mother Nature and Mother Nader. Oh!
Starting point is 00:06:22 All right, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, a emotionally stunted stepfather. Fun fact about Ron this week, a fun, wholesome sexual fact about Ron. Can't wait. And it's actually a fact of clarity. The reason that Ron thinks that he's a a virgin doesn't know what fucking or sex is like the words um the reason is because his wife samantha always called it making love and um
Starting point is 00:06:56 that's really sweet so trust me when i say that ron definitely knows how to get down he just doesn't know what it's called. What a nice twist ending. Bazinga. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master. Such authority. I was going to say,
Starting point is 00:07:16 I don't have to give a fucking fact about myself. There's nothing interesting about me going on right now. Other than while they were talking, I was still writing notes about today's episode. So we'll see how that goes. So let's deal with some vampires and kids that don't love their dads. Those are both sad.
Starting point is 00:07:32 Damn. Yeah, this is the dour arc of Dungeons and Daddies. We fucking moved into Empire Strikes Back. It's the Buffy season 5. It's season 6, actually. That's the dour one. Oh yeah, 5 is glory. Yeah. When we last left you you were in the home of erin o'neill a garden witch and you had just gone up to her roof where she had a bunch of ravens in cages and you looked through a telescope
Starting point is 00:07:59 and you saw terry jr in a cool vampire robe with no bites on his neck, seemingly, and a larger cloaked figure next to him. Remove the cloak and you saw, oh, my God, it was Terry Sr. Point of order. Yes. Who is that guy? Who's that guy? He looks kind of like Terry. Who's that handsome, handsome man standing up there?
Starting point is 00:08:21 Just like Terry, except older and deader. Ron, is that Terry Sr.? Terry Sr.? Well, guys, looks like I'm off the hook. I mean, Ron does have a point. I mean, he does seem like... But what the heck is Terry Sr. doing
Starting point is 00:08:40 here? Well, are you... I mean, you can go ask him. Hey! I shout to Terry Sr. How far away are we? I mean, you could go ask him. Hey! I shout to Terry Sr. How far away are we? I mean, you're definitely telescope range. You're telescope range, but he could definitely hear it. Hey! Are you his dad? Sir, are you his father? So you see,
Starting point is 00:08:56 well, who's looking through the telescope? I guess just Ron? I just can't stop staring. There's such a resemblance. They look so happy together. Sir! Sir! So you see Terry Sr. kind of look down and furrow his brow. I'm waving both
Starting point is 00:09:12 arms over my head. And then he turns into a bat. And he flies down and begins to move toward the roof. He's turning into a bat, guys. What happened? Why is he a bat, guys. I don't, what happened? Why is he a bat, Ron?
Starting point is 00:09:26 I don't know. Can Terry Jr. turn into a bat? I didn't know that. I don't know if that's inheritable or if it's one of those genetic processes. How do you not know that about your own stepson? I just, I haven't been around that much. I'm writing my acts, just in case.
Starting point is 00:09:37 So it begins to move toward the roof until it like, bong, and then there's a sort of invisible dome of invitation that prevents him from getting closer. And he, in D&D, it says he can't talk to you as a bat, but I think he could talk to you as a bat. And he goes- Wait, what if we use the hat of vermin
Starting point is 00:09:54 to have our bats talk to that bat? Go right ahead. That's a good idea. And I could translate with my spell, speak with animals. True. I can hear the sounds of the forest. I shall commune with Terry Bat True. I can hear the sounds of the forest.
Starting point is 00:10:07 I shall commune with Terry Bat Senior. Just to be clear, are we proposing that we release some bats, have them talk to the other bat, who's Terry Senior, and then have Henry translate those from the first set of bats? You're like a baby boomer who Googles hotmail.com. And we could just let Terry Sr. just like, A, just turn back into a human like on the ground
Starting point is 00:10:29 when you talk to him from the roof. I'm going to cast speak with animals. I'm only going to get one bat. Okay. How about that? You can have as many bats as you want, Ron. No, you get one. I'm going to get one bat.
Starting point is 00:10:41 You cast the bat. I cast the bat. In bat, I guess, I speak to both bats and I say, Sir, who we think might be Terry Sr., we are also dads from our world. We've been looking for our sons. It seems like you found your son.
Starting point is 00:10:55 We'd like to speak with you. If you're more comfortable in bat form, I speak bat. And if you're more comfortable speaking to another bat, you can speak to this bat. He just turns back into his human form. Oh, that's very good. Okay, great. Could you're more comfortable speaking to another bat you can speak to this bat he just turns back into his human form oh that's very good okay great could you still translate the thoughts of my bat that I've just cast I just want to make sure he's okay
Starting point is 00:11:11 I talked to the other bat are you okay Mr. New Bat what am I what is this he says thanks so much for creating me um everything's great I love that I exist now I'm in agony what What do I exist for? I can feel the life draining out of me almost as
Starting point is 00:11:28 if there's a time on my very lifespan. What's he saying, Henry? He's saying it's such a great night. I love you being a bat and flying into the bat air. I desire love. I desire sustenance. I desire meaning. Mr. Bat, we all love you and we are your family now.
Starting point is 00:11:44 So why don't you just hop up on this man's shoulder? He is your father and he's going to protect you now. Ah, that'll do. My bat son. I'm going to call him Terry also. Okay, getting back to Terry Sr. Sir, hello. So he's below us, Terry Sr.
Starting point is 00:12:03 Hi, Henry Oak here. What say you? Are you of this world or of ours? Who is this that would dare to speak to me? Who are all of you? You've come to my town, stirring up trouble, doing incredibly insightful stand-up comedy.
Starting point is 00:12:20 Oh, you liked it? You liked the comedy? I didn't like it. I was the butt of the joke. But I can respect a good jeep when it is pointed in my direction. Sir, what region of dialect is that? Correct, yes. I had a follow-up question.
Starting point is 00:12:35 I don't know if you heard it, so I'll repeat it. No, yes, I heard them both, and the answer is yes. Okay. We are travelers from another world. Who are delightful. We're sucked into this one. We've been on an adventure looking for our sons who came with us. They've since vanished.
Starting point is 00:12:49 We've relocated some of them. But we can't help but notice you look a lot like one of the sons who we've been seeking, Terry Jr. Oh, you're friends with Terry Jr. Yes, we, we, we, we, we, we, we. What do you wish was this Terry? I would like to know if he's said anything about any of us
Starting point is 00:13:09 I'm not going to tell you our names but if he's said anything positive or negative about his stepfather Ron I'm sorry I cannot tell you could I come closer please no it was with a try.
Starting point is 00:13:25 It was with a try. Ron. Ron. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that actually Terry Sr.? Have you ever met Terry Sr.? No. He was before my time, as we say in the living.
Starting point is 00:13:34 And Samantha's never mentioned keeping in touch with him? Here's the thing. He's dead. Wait, what? Terry Sr.'s dead? Yeah. He died before I even met Samantha. Oh, whoa. Do you know how Terry Senior died?
Starting point is 00:13:50 I think he had a heart attack or something. Did we die? Oh my God. Terry Senior died and is here. That means we died. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Everyone calm down. This isn't what heaven's supposed to look like. Everyone just take a second. Take a second. There's a small, a small chance that we might be dead.
Starting point is 00:14:10 That makes sense. Of course. Of course. They'll just fucking crash the van. That's the way it would happen. With everybody in there, I crashed the van. I killed us all. I'm sorry, everybody.
Starting point is 00:14:17 I killed us all. Daryl, Daryl, take a breath. You guys seem like lost, right? Is this lost? Are we in purgatory? I was thinking more like a Jacob's Ladder scenario. Spoilers for Jacob's Ladder. Wow. Oh no. Wow Will. I was planning on seeing that at some point in my life.
Starting point is 00:14:30 Spoilers for that movie that came out in like 1990. So we don't know if we're alive or dead. All I know right now boys is we need to figure out what's going on with this situation. We need to figure out if our sons are dead, if this guy is alive. Sir we're very confused.
Starting point is 00:14:46 Were you? This is obvious. Are you Terry's father? Oui, oui, oui, oui. I'm Terry's father. He loves me very much, and I love him also much as well. What are your intentions with Terry, Junior? Wait, wait, wait.
Starting point is 00:15:00 Are you biologically his father, sir? Of course, yes, Biologically, yes. What is the issue? I am Telly Senior. He is my spawn. I take care of him as I would anybody who was my fermented nut. There's no easy way to ask this. And you look great, by the way.
Starting point is 00:15:18 You look... But I was wondering if you're dead. Oh, yes. Sleigh dead. Okay. Okay, because then Tilly dead. Okay. Okay. Because then, like, I just thought maybe Samantha lied to me. I mean, listen, I think that we have the same taste in women.
Starting point is 00:15:33 No, great. Cool. Yes. Okay. That makes sense. Terry, have you always been here or were you in another world before coming here? Oh, I got tired of your questions. I have a question for you,
Starting point is 00:15:45 and that is, again, what do you wish with Telly Jr.? If you wish to pass on a message, I would be more than happy to relay it to the young boy. But otherwise, I would very much enjoy it if you would leave my village, for this is my village. I would say, sir, that our answer to that question
Starting point is 00:16:01 depends on your answer to our question, because we're on sort of a rescue mission here, so we're just trying to gather information. And I'm very curious as to whether, just walk us through your deal, if you would. So you wish to rescue Terry Jr.? I said we're on a rescue mission. I did not say who we're here to rescue. But we're here to rescue Terry. I can pick up on context clues.
Starting point is 00:16:22 It's not exactly a fucking... We're sending an invitation to Terry to be rescued. Let me write them down then. I'll be right back. Before you go, we answered your question. We would like an answer. Who are... No!
Starting point is 00:16:36 What's your deal? Are you fucking kidding me right now? We're clearly not from around... Are you freaking kidding me? Excuse me, guys. I'm pretty cool under the collar, but I get frustrated around around evasive you know french people oh my god is henry racist against french people i just i had a bad experience when i went they were very rude to me um you went on duolingo you learned all the shit and then when you said like
Starting point is 00:17:00 they went like large or small in english. And you're like, fuck them. That's exactly what happened. We don't have to talk about it right now, but I'm never going to the country of France again. Oh, my God. I don't even know what question I'm trying to ask here. I'll be right back. No, no, you stay. I will literally be right back.
Starting point is 00:17:18 No, no, we have come a very long way across multiple dimensions to try to find these kids. And we thought we were the only ones who came across whatever the portal is. And now you're sitting here and you're, like, making no big deal out of it. have come a very long way across multiple dimensions to try to find these kids and we thought we're the only ones who came across whatever the portal is and now you're sitting here and you're like making no big deal out of it and frankly i find your nonchalant and your snooty accent offensive sir so please answer our question and tell us the entire story of your life right now sir i think what my friend's trying to say we've had a very very long day and it would just be useful to know if we need terry Jr. That's Ron's son here, so just are we gonna do this by talking through this,
Starting point is 00:17:48 or are we going to have to, and I lift up my axe, or are we gonna have to fight over this? Ooh, he wishes to fight. He wishes to rumble. No, I don't wish to, it's just we really need the son. You have a big axe, it sounds like you want to use it. Why don't you come out and fight me? Just one of you, or all of you, I do not care. It would be very amusing to me.
Starting point is 00:18:04 I elbow Payton, like, Payton, what's your read on this guy? Usually guys that are this, me just one of you or all of you i do not care it'll be very amusing to me i elbow pay them like pay them what's your read on this guy usually guys that are this like arrogant i think like oh it's all bastard shit but he's got like if i have the eye of the tiger he's got like the big dick energy of a tiger he's got like it all as far as i could tell he looks like he could really mess us up but the tiger of the tiger. He's the tiger of the tiger. I have a question, Peyton. What is Big Dick energy? So Richard was one of the strongest dragons that ever lived.
Starting point is 00:18:35 We called him Big Richard because he was the size of the entire sky. And when somebody's acting as if they're the size of the whole sky, you say, wow, that guy's got Big Dick energy. I like that. That's less gendered than what it means in our world. Yeah, and dick was a girl, so why don't you rethink all of your stereotypes? And that dragon's name was Albert Einstein. And the doctor was the mother.
Starting point is 00:18:59 And that's no doctor. That's my wife. One moment, sir. Dad huddle. All right. I'm going to go get the sun while you dad huddle all right i'm gonna go get the sun while you die huddle how about that can you wait there though no let him go get terry okay it'll be helpful to talk to terry i think okay so he flies away guys what a dick right yeah wait hold on hold
Starting point is 00:19:16 on hold on hold on ron you said he died how long ago gosh i think it was before your time before my time you know with sam Samantha, wink, wink. Aaron, when did this guy show up? Aaron's like, oh, God, uh, before I got here. So I came here like a year or two ago, sort of hoping to like take over the village for myself. But he was already here and he'd already set up shop, which kind of blows.
Starting point is 00:19:40 I didn't realize it at first because I was like, oh, the like plants aren't like doing as well as they could. And then I realized that the newcomer in town, as they call them, was sort of taking over everything. And then he started building this tower. And then I kind of got trapped here. So we might be dead. Okay. Yeah. I mean, we might be dead. This could be purgatory, but I get books in all the time from the library. So if we're in purgatory, it's got a very good public library system. You get books from the library? Like the weird guy with the big pile of books who eats people's
Starting point is 00:20:04 faces and stuff? That guy? Oh God, is that what he is he is i don't know i just use my ravens and as she says this uh raven comes in holding a like really heavy book like like like flapping its wings as hard as it can and it just drops a cookbook into her hand she goes thanks oh so can we use your birds right now to return our books i think it's just a one-way thing i don't i think he wants to make sure the birds stay here forever after they come here. They're my birds, yeah. So how do you get your books returned? Oh, he comes by every once in a while on his book fair. But couldn't we use one of your ravens to return our books? I just want to understand
Starting point is 00:20:31 this, man. So you're saying that he comes and you return the books to him and then he takes your birds with him so that then they can take the books and fly? I don't take my books with me. I send out my birds to get books. But you're saying the birds only fly one way. No, I'm not saying they only fly one way. I'm saying he only checks out books via
Starting point is 00:20:47 Raven. He doesn't let chicken eat them. Look, if you don't want us to use your birds to return our books, I understand. I would love it if you could. I would love it if you could. It just seems like it would reduce the amount of choices you had to make about how much time you spent in particular areas versus trying to get to him quickly. That's all I would say. I think I got to call Samantha.
Starting point is 00:21:04 That was what I was going to suggest. Alright, I'm going to pull out my quickly. That's all I would say. I think I got to call Samantha. That was what I was going to suggest. Oh, that's a good idea. All right, I'm going to pull out my phone. It's so intense. That's a nine. Great. Okay, cool. It's alive.
Starting point is 00:21:12 It's alive. You call Samantha's number and you click, and she goes, Ron, honey, how you doing? Hi, honey. How's the soccer game going? It's going. Actually, I have a couple of questions.
Starting point is 00:21:30 It's for a permission slip. Um, I was wondering, um... I thought we signed one, okay. Um, yeah, your, um, husband, I don't know if you remember your husband, um, Terry. Um, Terry... Is this, are we going to have this conversation again where I have to remind you that he's part of my past and I love you and you're the one that matters to me the most and you're the one I think about all the time?
Starting point is 00:21:52 Because we can do that. That's fine. I think about you all the time, too. But sometimes I think about Terry Jr. and I kind of, because of the name, it makes me think of Terry Sr. And I'm not saying that we should change Terry's name, although I'd be open to that eventually. I mean, I feel like that's up to him.
Starting point is 00:22:08 I was just wondering, when, um, can we just call him Terry? Uh, yeah, I mean, if you want to. I think he'll be a little bit, he likes being a junior, it's an important thing. But he's not anymore, is he? I think he still counts.
Starting point is 00:22:22 Just to clarify, he's not really a junior anymore? No, he still counts, I'm pretty sure. Even though... Like Robert Downey Jr., his dad's dead. Okay, yeah, so he's dead. Okay, okay, that's it. That's all I really needed to know, Samantha. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:35 Anyways, I miss you so much. I won't leave. Talk about... I certainly... I'm waving around. I'm going to put you on hold real quick. Okay. How did he die?
Starting point is 00:22:45 Oh, Samantha, I was wondering this other thing. I miss you so much. I was also wondering, I was wondering, how did Terry Sr. die? Honey, we've been over this so many times. Henry, she's crying. My wife is crying, Henry. Henry, what did you do? I just wanted to know what the deal was.
Starting point is 00:23:05 I thought that was the whole point of this call. I'll do this as many times as we have to. Okay. He died of a heart attack. Okay. I was very sad. I met you. It took a lot of time.
Starting point is 00:23:17 You helped me smile again. I'm sorry that the relationship with Terry Jr. is not as clean as it could be, but I feel like if you just gave yourself permission to be a good dad, you would be, and it would be fine, and he'd see that. Oh, Samantha. I love you so much, and you've given me so much courage to go and find, I mean, to talk to, I mean, to rescue, I mean, to, um. Hang up the phone. Hang up the phone.
Starting point is 00:23:40 Love you, babe. Bye. I feel like you nailed that. Ron, Ron, this is very important. Look at me. Did Samantha sound like the actual Samantha or like a ghost hell form Samantha that has been conjured by this plane to make us think that we're still alive
Starting point is 00:23:59 even though we're dead? It's one of those two. You know what? She sounded like she genuinely loved me and i'm suspicious of that but i have to i have to say that it did sound like the old samantha that i fell in love with so i i think that maybe she's not a ghost but that interesting interesting senior in my notebook underneath all my notes about fighters from different regions i have a small thing set up or two columns and one of which says in purgatory question mark, not in purgatory.
Starting point is 00:24:29 And I do a little check mark in not in purgatory. So it sounds like Terry Senior had a kind of a weak ticker. So do you guys think vampires? It's fucking heartless. Do you think of vampires? Oh, I didn't even realize what I was saying there. Does anybody know anything about vampires? Do vampires like if you had a bad heart like a triple bypass or something like that yeah does it fix like i'm just saying like if we got we might have to fight this
Starting point is 00:24:52 guy so i'm just trying to figure out any weakness possible what do you want to fight him with cheeseburgers or something like hit him in the heart hit him i guess you always hit them in the heart i guess that's always a good strategy it's the wik vampire facts. So as you say that, Aaron's like, we get a book from the library about vampires. I'm sure he's got one. Wikipedia, Aaron, is one of the greatest companions of knowledge in the known universe and is peer-reviewed by...
Starting point is 00:25:16 Glenn has a number of Wikipedia articles that he's... Glenn, your phone's dead, though. My phone doesn't have the internet. Yeah, it's only going to be Henry or Ron who can use Wiki. I can't. I just... I can't. You going to be Henry or Ron who can use Wikipedia. I can't. I just, I can't. You can't, what, use your phone or use Wikipedia?
Starting point is 00:25:29 I just don't want to turn it on again. I'm just saying that it's one of the greatest peer-reviewed encyclopedias, and actually it's more accurate because of the hard-working editors that donate their time to... I'm Jimmy Wales. I sponsor Dungeons & Daddies.
Starting point is 00:25:43 For only $5... For only the price of a cup of coffee, this entire header of my face staring at you judgmentally could go away. All right, Glenn, I will Google vampires if it will get you to stop talking about Wikipedia. Will that help? I don't feel like it's going to be as reliable as maybe like a firsthand. We don't know if vampires are the same here as they are in...
Starting point is 00:26:02 We literally have a witch. We have an expert. Well, I mean, I'm a garden witch. I'm not a monster. I'll also say that vampires are real in this world, but they're not real in our world. How dare you? Why do you guys keep talking about your world?
Starting point is 00:26:13 That's cool. We're from another plane of existence, kind of. It's a whole thing. I mean, fine, we can get a book. I'm just saying that a lot of times that primary sources aren't as good as peer-reviewed, independent network of editors working tirelessly around the clock editing articles. Okay, okay.
Starting point is 00:26:28 We like Wikipedia. Aaron, ma'am, can I ask you a question? Yes, absolutely. Sorry, this is going back about – I don't know how many minutes it's been. It's been a long time since you said this. But you said you were going to take over this place? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just that kind of just you know uh kind of
Starting point is 00:26:46 you know made me think there for a second what do you mean by that are you were you planning on enslaving people or what do you mean by takeover no no no i'm a garden witch i love the forest the forest speaks to me the forest kind of hates that all these people set up shop here so i was going to help the forest take it all back and And then what would happen to all the people? They would run probably. I don't know. What? Like the trees guys. That'll,
Starting point is 00:27:09 you know, this sounds, this is a classic green energy versus the economy debate. Tell you, man, environmental is just as crazy. You're going to hate this corporation. She was going to kill everybody.
Starting point is 00:27:21 You know, I won't go so far as to say environmentalism is crazy, but I do think, you know, a good progressive approach needs to have a strong economic foundation. And, you know, so maybe that's something we could talk to her about later. But, yeah, that is a bit concerning. It sounds like while the vampire is not doing a great job, at least people still have a bar to drink. And it sounds like this lady was going to literally kill. I'm pretty sure she's going to kill everybody.
Starting point is 00:27:41 I'm pretty sure we're not in a safe place right now. sure she was going to kill everybody. I'm pretty sure we're not in a safe place right now. Maybe she lost the leadership of the town to the vampire because she told the truth about the fact that the people's jobs were going to come back because the world was changing. Hey, Aaron, how come you haven't been able to deal with the vampire?
Starting point is 00:27:56 Like I said, I'm not a fighting witch. I'm a garden witch. That's sort of my deal. And there was a brief period of time where I thought, oh, maybe this vampire game, maybe I can use the trees against him. But as you can see around you, he has a pretty deleterious effect on any plant life. I don't know what that word means. I'm not a fighting dad. I'm a stepdad.
Starting point is 00:28:14 Okay, so you're not going to fight him either. That's great. We're on the same page, I guess. I think we need a book about vampires. Let's get a vampire book. Okay. So I can send- I think Ron should phone a friend to Beth May
Starting point is 00:28:25 in Los Angeles and then Beth May... If you want to roleplay that, I would be so happy. I would love that so much. That would be such an insane twist. Let's see if we can get this phone on. Alright, go ahead and roll.
Starting point is 00:28:42 Oh, wait, wait, what? Do it. Shut up. Let ahead and roll. Oh, wait, wait, what? Wait, what? Do it. Shut up. Let her do it. It's happening. It's happening. Yeah, yeah. Okay, the phone stays on.
Starting point is 00:28:51 Oh, my God. The phone rings. Hey, it's Beth. What? He's playing Beth. Hi, it's Ron. Hey! What's up with that?
Starting point is 00:29:11 I know, you actually... This is kind of the ultimate dad joke because you're sort of my dad. You spawned me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of spawning, but not speaking of fish, I was wondering if I could
Starting point is 00:29:28 have some of your Buffy angel insight. And I realize that maybe it's not the most expansive vampire lore out there, but it sure entertains you and me the most. It's definitely the hottest though, right? It is, Beth.
Starting point is 00:29:43 It is. You got so much in common. So anyway, I kind of forget what I was supposed to ask you. Henry, any insight? Ask her about how do we beat a vampire? Okay,
Starting point is 00:30:04 Beth, how, how do you beat a vampire? Okay, Beth, how do you beat a vampire? Okay, so if we're talking a Buffy Angelverse kind of vampire, then most of the normal stuff, we're talking sunlight, stake to the heart, holy water, decapitation. If you have sex with one that has its soul hidden away, then it'll turn evil if he loves you. And if he doesn't, then it's fine, I guess. So are you going to have sex with a vampire? I don't know. Are you? Just kidding. Oh, if I can.
Starting point is 00:30:31 Oh. Boreanaz. Wow, those are such smart, brilliant genius insights. Sorry you called me while I was writing another play. Oh, Beth. Those plays, they'll never do anything with that.
Starting point is 00:30:49 Nobody's ever going to buy that. But I did it for myself, and that's what matters the most, is that I completed a thing. Why don't you tell your fucking mom that, Beth? Maybe she'll believe you. Anyways, Beth, I love you. Love you, too. I've got to gotta my good boy
Starting point is 00:31:06 um henry anything else we need to know uh uh can you put me on with beth oh yeah okay uh beth you're on with henry oh hey henry hey beth it's henry i just wanted to say thanks for your help oh yeah and uh how do you know ron oh r Ron's my son. Okay, that's the actual. All right. Okay, this is confusing me. I'm going to hang up now. Weird flex, but okay. All right, bye.
Starting point is 00:31:33 I'll talk to you later when you're driving and you think of a good idea for me, like a dad fact or something. Oh, yeah, that'll be fun. Okay, cool. Bye. I'm everybody's favorite. I hate you.
Starting point is 00:31:49 That's so weird. that's so weird that's so weird it was like being in the room with myself is the little girl vampire right outside yeah she's still she's still in your van pounding on the door going let me in let me in if you let me in i won't kill you hey little girl is there a is there a rosary on the dash there, like hanging off the mirror? What's a rosary? It's like a necklace with a cross on it. Oh, yeah. It's hideous.
Starting point is 00:32:12 Oh, I know. It's awful. It actually hurts us if we grab it. So would you mind pushing underneath the door for me? Sure. So she grabs it, and nothing happens. And then she just pushes it under the door. So, yeah, put it in your mouth.
Starting point is 00:32:25 Oh, yeah, it's hurting. Oh, thank God. I just grabbed my rosary. Did you just want your rosary? I want my rosary. Well, I guess also it doesn't hurt them, guys. I guess that's helpful, too. God damn it, Beth.
Starting point is 00:32:34 Detective Glenn Close in his notebook has the list of all the things. And he slowly crosses out Christian symbols. And he like, hmm, narrows his eyes and nods. This case was getting more complicated by the minute. The dame put her hand around a cross, but my hand was around the pulse of this case. Hey, uh, Terry
Starting point is 00:32:55 Senior, are you coming back anytime soon? How far away is it? Terry Junior walks through the, walks, I totally forgot about that. Terry Junior and Terry. walk from the ground floor of the tower and walk toward the home. And Terry Jr. looks at you all
Starting point is 00:33:15 and then looks at Ron and goes like, ah, why? Why, why, why are you here? I was so sure that I wouldn't have to deal with this again. Can you just go? I'm fine. I'm doing great. Yeah, it looks like you are doing great, but I'm sure that if your mom found out that you were missing and that we were in a foreign universe and that maybe we were all dead,
Starting point is 00:33:38 then she would be really upset. And I know maybe I'm not your first choice father, but I am your father, young man. Oh my God, stop saying that. You're not because my father's here. Am I right, dad? And oh oui, I'm your father. He's my son.
Starting point is 00:33:56 You cannot take me away. You cannot take him away from me. He can't even say the word yes. He can't even be like, yes, I'm your father. I could say oui. Oui, I'm your father. It's say we. We, I'm your father. It's not a problem. Do you have a problem with this, Terry Jr.? No, I don't.
Starting point is 00:34:11 I have a problem with your dad's we, dick. I mean... Oh my God. You see what I told you about it. Terry Jr. turns to Terry Sr. and he's like, this is what I'm talking about. This is the guy that replaced you. Can you imagine? Can you imagine going from you to that? Terry, just tell me what I could do to. Can you imagine? Can you imagine going from you to that?
Starting point is 00:34:28 Terry, just tell me what I can do to really impress you. Ooh, you know what would be super impressive? Is if you fucking left. That would be the best. Fine. Fine, I'll leave. Great. That would be great.
Starting point is 00:34:40 Just let mom know I'm super happy. I found dad. Everything's great. I prefer to be here. Everybody gets what they want. You get to be with mom. You obviously didn't want me and all the fucking drama of me being in your life. Everybody wins if you just go.
Starting point is 00:34:58 But I love you, Terry Jr. Not you, Terry Sr. I barely know you. And I don't know if I like your influence on the boy who will become the man who is my son. Maybe I'll go on you. You don't know. So when you say I love you, Terry Jr. kind of like flinches a little bit.
Starting point is 00:35:15 Not in a way of like, oh, that's disgusting. But in a way of like, I don't want to open myself up to even accepting that kind of thing. Like he kind of flinches and turns away almost if he's like dodging a blow. I mouth like as this is going on, like to the other dad's like side dad. Guys we do we butt in i don't know runs doing
Starting point is 00:35:29 a pretty good job like he saw how he talked to his wife yeah talking to his kid i'm kind of like yeah i don't know i think i mean if we're dead i don't i really don't think we're dead i don't but uh just would you like to be no wait this is us this isn Sorry, my hearing is really good. You have very good hearing? That'd be so amazing to think there's a character in D&D that can hear all of your characters like little side-huddles. Sir, we're trying to have a private conversation. Can you tell us if you can hear us?
Starting point is 00:35:56 Can you hear this? You can definitely hear that, guys. Am I still talking? I have a question for Anthony about the finger gun watch. Yes. What are the rules of that again? So basically, if you use the finger guns on a friend, then they get advantage on their next charisma checks or saving throws.
Starting point is 00:36:12 If you use it on an enemy, they gain disadvantage on those same checks or saving throws. But you have to say verbally that you're winking while you do it, and if you forget, then you have disadvantage when you use them. Oh, so two dads doing it to each other become more charismatic. Yes. Nice. Just like in real life. two dads doing it to each other become more charismatic. Yes. Nice. Just like in real life.
Starting point is 00:36:27 Two dads doing it to each other become more charismatic. Oh, God, that's what you... I didn't mean it like that. I meant finger guns. I'd like to... Mine's in the gutter. I'd like to do a perception check
Starting point is 00:36:36 of the general environment and also the state of the sky. It's supposed to be like cloudy and foggy right now, right? It's like it's a dark fog. Yes. So go ahead and do a perception. 15. They're basically sitting in the middle of the road that goes through the village. Behind
Starting point is 00:36:47 them, you see the tower. There's fog everywhere and the sky looks overcast and Aaron notices you looking up and as a garden witch, he's like, oh yeah, you noticed the, uh, the, the weather's all weird. Yeah. What's up with that? I feel like when he built his tower, it like accelerated his power and so it rhymed. and so there's only ever sunlight for exactly 15 minutes each day on the dot it's going to be two hours from now but that just seems to be the thing that happens the rest of the time is either overcast or it's night ron set an alarm on that cassia watch for two hours from now two hours all right and then i give you a finger guns for letting me know and i finger gun you back and I wink.
Starting point is 00:37:25 Nice. And I come. Ron came, but he didn't wink. Yeah, so Beth has disadvantage on charisma checks. Oh, damn. Freddie has advantage. Beth has disadvantage. Ron has a disadvantage for another reason. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:42 Ron, I say this knowing you just shot a load into your pants. It sounded... What an episode. How does Ron have the healthiest marriage here? And holy water and crucifixes don't work. Daryl's going through an existential crisis right now. Because Ron has an incredible wife,
Starting point is 00:38:08 an incredible, smart, talented, charming, hot wife. Sounds like behind every great Ron is a great woman. Ron, I couldn't help but notice your son's reaction when you told him that you loved him. It seemed like he was really moved by that. And so I think that might be the secret to unlocking his heart. If we try to fight this vampire mano a mano, he's probably going to tan our hides. But you've got a real earnest, kind of wholesome, clumsy appeal that I think goes a long way towards making inroads with your son. I think, you know, when he said that, like, he feels like you don't love him and you
Starting point is 00:38:42 just want to be with his mom, like, you know, maybe you just need to open up to him a little bit you know and like maybe that might be how we get him out of this sort of parasitic relationship with his dad so i need to have a pop-off with terry senior you know prove that i'm the better dad a pop-off yeah like a papa off oh a papa off yeah i would say more like a like a wholesome, supportive show. Conversation. Love to your son kind of off. Oh. Do you think you could do that, Chief? Yeah. You don't seem sure of that.
Starting point is 00:39:12 Well, I'm not, but I think I can. I think you can too, buddy. I give you finger guns and I wink. I receive the finger guns and I put my hands together and I say namaste. All right. So Will has disadvantage. You have advantage now. Do I have to wink back?
Starting point is 00:39:30 Yeah, of course you do. Well, jeez. You don't get to do something like kind of cool. You have to do the dorky ass shit. Would you like me to open a dialogue? Yeah, yeah, if you could. Terry Jr., young man, your stepfather has something he'd like to communicate from his heart to you. And I was wondering if you could do us the honor and privilege of listening to him for just a moment.
Starting point is 00:39:51 Ew. If it'll get you to leave. Yeah. Okay. Open your fucking heart or whatever. Okay. Well, I might leave after this, but I wanted to tell you something that is about me, but might relate to you too, that I had a father that would leave a lot. And when he left, I didn't feel so good. I wish that he would stay. And I
Starting point is 00:40:15 always loved him, but I wasn't really, what I want to say to you, Terry Jr., not Terry Sr., is that when I see you, I know that you don't need me to be your stepfather, but it's something that I would like to do because I love you and because you're so good without me that I'm very proud of you. And so I was wondering if you would, you know, be proud of me too if I were here instead of going away, which, you know, you told me to go away, so I might go away. But, yeah, that's it, Terry Jr., not senior. Okay, roll persuasion just flat because your disadvantage was canceled out by your advantage from the second finger gun. Seven. Okay, so he's going to roll against that. Okay, so here's what happens.
Starting point is 00:41:11 Terry is looking at his feet while you give that entire speech, and then he looks up at you with something approaching vulnerability in his eyes, which you haven't seen in a while. And then he wordlessly moves to the van, moves through it. You hear a knock on the door
Starting point is 00:41:29 of the building that you're in. Let him in. Let him in. Let him in. Let him in. But clarify that nobody else is allowed in. Only he's allowed in. Come on in. Only he's allowed in. Terry Jr. only. Not Terry Sr. Or the little girl. Open the door, Ron. Go open the door. Okay, I open the door. I run downstairs after Ron. Yeah, I want to see this beautiful moment. I run downstairs. Yeah, so we will all join ron downstairs terry comes in the little
Starting point is 00:41:49 girl tries to go in and bounces off again she's like this fucking sucks and he goes you've come so far and it's clear that you really care about me ron and i appreciate that well yeah. I did it for you, kiddo. And because all these other dads were telling me to. But also for you, kiddo. And I appreciate that a lot. But I'm happy now. And you're going to take that away from me. And I won't let you do that.
Starting point is 00:42:19 So I mean this when I say this from the bottom of my heart. Terry Sr., I invite you into this building. Terry Sr. goes like, oh, what a delight. I've been waiting to hear you say that to my son. So Terry Jr. rolled a pose to your persuasion. He got a nat 20. Whoa! It was fucking brutal.
Starting point is 00:42:38 Oh, no! Yeah, that was the worst thing. I'm sorry. Terry Sr. goes from having a straight posture, a pompous look on his face, the look of a dignified smug piece of shit who thinks he's better than you, to being fucking feral in an instant. He gets on all fours and just sprints for the house. And even with the van blocking his way with one superhuman shove, he just pushes the van right out of the way. And
Starting point is 00:42:58 then he wrenches open the door. I feel like the moment he said you're invited in, Daryl went running for the door. Okay, great. So he runs up. He puts his hand on the doorknob and tries to push it open as hard as he can. Daryl is definitely running to it. Is it one of those things like can I put an axe like over it? Guys, push something in front of this door. Is this a
Starting point is 00:43:17 OSHA code the boar pushes out or a door that opens inward? The door opens inward. Yeah, so we got push stuff in front of this. So it is up to code. Can I try to put my skip it across the door? That's not going to help, Ron. Okay, here's what we'll do.
Starting point is 00:43:30 He has some pretty good strength, but he's going to have to roll strength to get inside. Any item of your own that you try to barricade the door with will basically take away from his strength roll. But if he succeeds, that item is going to snap. It's just going to fucking break. Okay, so we have like a little bit of time here. With the safety,
Starting point is 00:43:48 we say that we're in like, we're kind of in combat here. It feels like we're kind of in combat. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, yeah. I feel like we don't need to do initiative, I think, because it's- But we can access some of our combat reactions.
Starting point is 00:43:57 Yeah, for sure, for sure. So- Well, I'm going enraged. You go enraged. Yeah, so I think all of our various things activate. As all this activates, Aaron slams the door to the roof shut and then tries to lock it just so he can't get in that way. And she's like, oh, great. So glad I let you guys in here. This is
Starting point is 00:44:12 going so good. Oh, boy. And then really quick here, perception roll. We saw it on the way in. I rolled a 19 here. What's in this room with us? Okay. So in this room, there is a plant that is dancing on its own. How did we miss this on the way in? There is a fireplace. There is a bunch of like potion-y bottle looking things that you can't quite figure out what they are, but maybe if you spent some time, you could. There is some fertilizer. There is a shovel.
Starting point is 00:44:46 And basically anything you would find in a Home Depot garden section, generally speaking, that's about what you got in this room. Okay. So he's banging on the door? So he's trying to push open the door. What are you guys going to do to try to keep it closed? You can basically push yourself up against it, and then it's just an opposed strength check, but I'll just go ahead and warn you right now,
Starting point is 00:44:57 he has pretty good strength. I mean, I'm definitely leaned up against it, but if we got everything from the van, then I'm taking some of my golf clubs and I'm... Okay, great. Sign them in. That'll be great. That'll be a gentleman. Gentleman. He's going to break in.
Starting point is 00:45:12 What are you doing? What do you think is going to happen? Let him in. What are you talking about? Let him in. Let's prep. We're going to kill this son of a bitch. I'm going to hide. Henry turns into a bear. And as I turn into a bear, I'm going to hide. I'm going to hide. No, no, no. Okay. Henry turns into a bear. Okay.
Starting point is 00:45:25 And as I turn into a bear, I say, let him in. Henry's mad, dude. I'm still pushing up against it. Glenn. Let me think. Let me think. Sorry, real quick. Who has the fanny pack?
Starting point is 00:45:35 I have the fanny pack. It just busted off of my bear tummy. Okay. The one thing that catches my eye on my book of things that might hurt vampires is sunlight slash fire. I'm going to clock the fire in the corner. I'm gonna clock the jug that I have that allows me to pour oil out of it. I'm gonna do that thing where you like, you know, like home alone thing where I'm gonna set the jug up above the door so that when the door opens, it'll dip down and have
Starting point is 00:45:58 oil. So you're lighting it on fire. No, not yet, but you will, but I will. So you've already turned into a bear. Henry lost his temper. That's what happened. Henry lost his temper and turned into a bear. So I'm going to spend my action setting up this thing up top. Okay, so everybody gets one action, and then he's going to get to take his turn. So that's your action. Daryl's overwhelmed at Henry's awesome strength, and he smiles at Glenn because he sees what he's doing.
Starting point is 00:46:21 He looks at his rosary. He puts it in his pocket. He grabs his axe. He goes, let's do this, motherfucker. And he jumps on top of doing. He looks at his rosary. He puts in his pocket. He grabs his axe. He goes, let's do this motherfucker and he jumps on top of Henry. He jumps on top of Henry's back and he's riding a bear and he's getting ready for this fucking flaming door to open up
Starting point is 00:46:32 and he screams, let him in, Glenn! Somewhere, an achievement unlocked sound plays. What was that? Do you guys hear that? Ron, you ran? I hide.
Starting point is 00:46:43 You hide in your pants or somewhere else? In the fanny pack the fanny pack of holding yes the Mary Poppins fanny pack
Starting point is 00:46:50 is now the Ron Stampler fanny pack so also Terry Jr. sees you do that he's in the same room as all of you
Starting point is 00:46:56 just so you know how elastic is this fanny pack you'll be able to put it back on after I'm not that heavy no but I mean I mean like
Starting point is 00:47:03 is this in all sizes because I was just going to say maybe it's still on Henry. Oh my god, the bear just has a fanny pack on it. Actually, that's way better. That image is way too good. Yeah, you know what? It's a completely elastic band. It can fit anybody that goes on. So now there's a man riding a bear with a fanny pack with a dude inside
Starting point is 00:47:17 of it. This is basically the dad version of when all of the Power Rangers come together to form the Megazord. Holy shit, the Daddy Zord. Holy shit. Also, I'm going to take my bonus action to shift, which is one of my class features. It allows me to assume a more bestial appearance.
Starting point is 00:47:38 This is that onstage persona thing we did earlier. I have this for a minute. I get plus five temporary HP and my speed increases overall. So I'm just faster. I'm a faster dude. So technically you're not supposed to do this as DM, but I feel like it would be unfair to not tell you this. So the vampire child that you fought last session,
Starting point is 00:48:00 the challenge rating was five. So it was one level higher than you're supposed to be. The challenge rating of this vampire is 13. What? Oh, shit. Did Peyton give us any sort of heads up to that, I feel like? He said a big dragon energy. He said a big dragon energy.
Starting point is 00:48:16 He was trying to warn you as best he could. How could we have missed it? I was so subtle. The vampire can take three legendary actions choosing from the options below. Only one legendary action option can be used at a time and only at the end of another creature's turn. That's even worse.
Starting point is 00:48:34 So it's not the end of his turn. It's when one of you ends your turn. He can do an action? Yes. Payton. Yeah, what's up? Get a stick and light it on fire. All right, not a problem, my man.
Starting point is 00:48:43 And he grabs a stick and puts it in the flames. And he goes, now what? What do you want me to do with this shit? Hop on, son. When he busts it. Let him hop on. OK, sure. Yes.
Starting point is 00:48:52 All right. And he jumps on. And now there's a man in an axe on a bear with a fanny pack with a dude in it. And on top of that is a small child who was in the fighting arena holding a stick that's on fire. I need the fan art. Also, the person in the fighting arena holding a stick that's on fire. I think Gwen's going to want you to throw this.
Starting point is 00:49:06 I need the fan art. Also, the person in the pack has a bat on its shoulder. I mean, I'm assuming you're going to want Peyton here to throw this thing when the vampire comes through. Yes. All right. Not a problem. I think we're going to do just fine, says Daryl. Okay, okay, okay.
Starting point is 00:49:22 All right. Matt's like, we're dead. Yeah. All right. Let's say that what you told payton that's his he's doing a reaction so the second he sees him he's gonna throw it yes exactly okay so he'll technically have the first thing so what happens is terry senior kicks open the door he had no problem with this door and the one golf club yeah no you're telling me that this dnd fantasy door plus one nine iron wasn't enough to stop this level 13 monster no it turns out it wasn't arrow is like holding his axe gritting his teeth ready to go and he sees that nine iron wasn't enough to stop this level 13 monster. It turns out it wasn't. Arrow's like holding his axe,
Starting point is 00:49:45 gritting his teeth, ready to go. And he sees that nine iron snap and it's just, those were tailor made. So he comes in, the oil falls onto him. He's going to try to evade it with the decks. It hits him.
Starting point is 00:49:56 So the oil drenches on him. And then Peyton's going to try to throw the fire. Peyton tosses the stick. The fucking fire sails through the air and it to throw the fire. Hayden tosses the stick. The fucking fire sails through the air and it lands on the vampire. Fucking eye of the tiger, baby. And now, if you give me two seconds, I need to check D&D fire rules. And we win!
Starting point is 00:50:14 We won! He's dead! He killed him in one hit! Alright, Terry Jr., hop into the fanny pack and talk to your dad. We're going home tonight. So what we're going to say is I'm going to treat being on fire as the same as him being in sunlight. So at the start of his turn,
Starting point is 00:50:33 he takes 20 radiant damage and it's burning his hair away and he goes like, ah, fuck. I don't remember what the French word for fuck is. Le fuck. Meldage. Oh, yeah, shit. Why is he French?
Starting point is 00:50:51 Because he named the place Rocketport. Okay, I get it. I get it. At first I was like, Dracula thing. I'm like, Dracula's not French either. So that happens. He goes, fuck. And then he turns and he sees the tableau in front of him which is
Starting point is 00:51:07 a fucking bear and all these pieces of shit and he sees the guy astride it with an axe and he lunges at daryl and he's going to make an attack an unarmed strike good god i'm so sorry oh my god i'm so sorry yeah yeah he just critted okay okay so well guys there's a good run so uh there's no disadvantage because i'm on the back of a bear you're not disadvantaged for just being on a bear if anything that would be advantage against tax against you because you don't have the ability to like move does he have disadvantage for being up on fire quick come up with a dad joke about fire which is couldn't the bear rear up or like it'd be hard to get to me as opposed to the bear. I'll say it this way.
Starting point is 00:51:47 If Henry wants to rear up to take the hit, he'll take the hit. Henry rears up to take the hit. Okay. Damn. No. Okay, how much health does a bear have? And we fucked this up last time.
Starting point is 00:51:59 We did. Multiple people told me our bear was way too OP. Your druid level determines the beast you can transform into. At level four, it can be one half is it's a challenge rating okay so we'll just half all the stats of this bear okay we'll keep your hp but you'll get all of its abilities and it's to hit and all that kind of shit we'll give you a d12 of extra health so go ahead and roll a d12 right now okay it's the like less cool looking d20. Oh, I got 12 extra health. Okay, cool. I want to make a little chart Anthony of just all
Starting point is 00:52:28 of your descriptions. I was like d4. That's the pyramid the d8. That's the two pyramids ass to ass. I forget why I got 23 damage on me from last time because she bit you. Okay, so I assume we healed that up. No, but we didn't. We straight up.
Starting point is 00:52:43 You're right. I just want to go through and what I have 22 HP Freddie. What do you have 32 technically because I'm in swift stride we healed that up. No, but no, because we didn't, but we straight up immediately started screaming at him. So I just want to go through him. I have 22 HP. Freddie, what do you have? 32 technically because I'm in swift stride.
Starting point is 00:52:50 I have 23. From 31, I have plus 12. 43 health. Numbers. It's like we're playing a motherfucking game right now, guys.
Starting point is 00:52:56 I'm pumped. Okay, so he lunges at you with his nat 20 and he claws at you with his hands and he does 12 damage to you. Okay.
Starting point is 00:53:04 Then he's going to attack again. Oh! It's a thing that he can do. So he slashes again and he does 12 damage again. Jesus. It was a very bad crit.
Starting point is 00:53:13 It was a very good normal one. Okay. It is his turn. So now everybody properly roll initiative. So I rolled a 13 initiative. I rolled a nine. I rolled a 21. Natural 20 plus one.
Starting point is 00:53:25 I rolled a nine. All of you will get Natural 20 plus one. I rolled a nine. All of you will get to go before him. Oh, thank God. I do feel like our move needs to be to get in that van because technically he hasn't been invited into the van yet. Yeah. Right? If we all get into the fanny pack,
Starting point is 00:53:36 then the bear just has to run into the minivan. What if we put him in the fanny pack? But it runs in there. I'll come out. It feels like he's going to tear that thing open. Yeah, I was about to say, it's the fanny pack. Strong is more like just how quickly can we get into the van okay so yes my thought was remember if the fanny pack gets torn ron is lost to the astral plane all the
Starting point is 00:53:54 contents in the fanny pack my god go into the astral plane if the fanny pack is destroyed okay season two astral plane i i have to get out of the fanny pack and then hold it while you guys make a run for it. And then I'll be like, you can't get me, Buster Keaton. And then just trap him. You know, just trap him. We can try to just all hold him like Thanos.
Starting point is 00:54:19 Yeah. Remember that scene that worked super well where they all tried to hold him? But we won't mess up. Nothing bad it? But we won't mess up. Nothing bad happens. But we won't mess up. He's going to turn to Ron and be like, guess what?
Starting point is 00:54:29 Samantha's dead. All we have to do is... Yikes. Yikes. Ron's going to miss his hit. He'll be like, I am inevitable. And we'll be like, hi, inevitable. I'm dead.
Starting point is 00:54:41 I want to just give you all the information so you can plan around this. The bag is roughly two feet in diameter at the mouth. Yeah, so we can't all be in it. It's only a hole. That's a two feet hole. It's like you could get into it if you were really trying,
Starting point is 00:54:54 if you really wanted to, or if the person was smaller than like two feet and you could get them in some... So how did Ron... So Ron just is like really cozy. Ron can fit into his own pants and disappear. So Ron... There's Ron rules. This is established canon that he can squeeze into shit like this. Okay.
Starting point is 00:55:09 What if we get the bag around his head and then we destroy the bag? Will that decapitate him? Yeah. It absolutely would. Yeah. 100% it would. So if we get the bag on his head and light the bag on fire, we'll cut this fucking vampire's head off. That's what we're... Okay. I feel like that's plan one.
Starting point is 00:55:26 Plan two is also, we got to get to the van, I feel like. Plan two is we run into the van. Yes, and we deal with the girl. Oh shit, that's right, because she's still alive. Whatever, whatever. We can all, four of us could take out a girl in the van or throw her out of the van. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:39 Okay, one problem at a time, I guess. Yeah, yeah, one problem at a time. Y'all can do whatever you want in whatever order you want. I feel like Daryl could go first because I'll heal myself with Birkenstock magic. And I'll have both fucking game. And I have the most HP even with that. And then you can grapple him.
Starting point is 00:55:59 And then I'll try to grapple him. And I have stones, endurance and rage, which will help me take. And then maybe as a bear, I can assist your grapple. Yes. And hopefully while he's attacking, he'll respond by attacking and rage which will help me take and maybe as a bear i can assist your grapple yes and hopefully while he's attacking he'll respond by attacking me which will distract him and then it'll make it easier for you to get the bag on his head you hulk out and grapple yeah i will grapple as a bear depending on how you're saying he's not hearing our plan anthony is but
Starting point is 00:56:18 he's not all of the dads i'm not even really listening all of the dads are drift compatible and are speaking this to each other and then drift level four allows us to be drift compatible you'll grapple should the grapple fail i'll turn into henry and he'll but if you get the grapple going then i'll jump in and assist and then you sneak around put the thing on what's what's glenn doing how about some music i think i'm the one to fuck up the fanny pack if it's on him. I like that plan. Okay, let's enact our dad.
Starting point is 00:56:47 Fucking do it. One, two, three, dad plan. Okay, so Daryl is overwhelmed at Henry's courage as he rears up and takes these ferocious hits. He imagines Henry's children not having a dad anymore. He goes, you son of a bitch, that beautiful man and his wonderful Birkenstocks, which are really nice designer hipster sandals with wonderful straps and usually made of leather. You're not going to let him die. The second you say that Birkenstocks are sandals with straps made of leather. The power of knowledge, the strongest power in the universe, second only to the power of fatherhood, infuses you with health and you are back up to full. Yes.
Starting point is 00:57:25 Yes. I have 45 HP. Oh, also when you say Birkenstocks, uh, your shoes explode and they appear on your feet. I look at the bear and I smile. I go,
Starting point is 00:57:37 son of a bitch. You're right. These are comfortable. The Birkenstocks were in you all along. So yes, I just, uh, I swing a big right hook straight into his face. Okay, go ahead and roll an attack. That's a natural 20. Yeah, ladies!
Starting point is 00:57:54 Woo! As he's trying to pat out the fire on his head, and it's sacre bleu, sacre bleu, and he's slapping it, and then he sees you leaping through the air with your fist up, and it goes, oh, so undignified. And then it hits him right in the face, and he just goes fucking down. And when he hits the ground, you're already on fucking top of it.
Starting point is 00:58:15 Are you holding him down to the ground like that? And then I use my tavern brawl grapple, which I got from going to level four. So I get to, after doing an unarmed attack or with an improvised weapon, I then get to attempt a grapple. so the damage on my unarmed strike five damage okay and i attempt to grapple him 17 i'm assuming that hits right that hits and he goes oh you bloot you absolute but he is fucking grappled because you got a 20 I'll say he doesn't get to take his legendary action this turn. Yes. Oh, boy.
Starting point is 00:58:46 Should we just have Ron go next? This guy's down for the count for the turn anyway. I feel like it's Ron's move now. Ron puts his hands on the outside of the fanny pack and hops up out in a sneak attack. And Terry Jr. is like, are you fucking kidding me? He gets a 12.
Starting point is 00:59:06 And you have advantage because he is grappled. Yeah. So you roll again. Oh. Fuck. And I get an 8. Okay, so I get a 12 plus 2. 14. You have the fanny pack above your head. You're trying to like slam it on his. I'm holding the fanny pack above my head
Starting point is 00:59:22 trying to get his head into it. You bring down the fanny pack as hard as you can while he's sort of a little bit dazed from Daryl punching him in the face. But he sees you coming and his hand, shoot up, and he grabs you by the wrists. And then he is going to try to attack you and he hits you.
Starting point is 00:59:40 But instead of doing any damage to you, he grabs you by the neck with his other hand and pulls your neck down to his. And now it's somebody else. you but instead of doing any damage to you he grabs you by the neck with his other hand and pulls your neck down to his and now it's somebody else uh henry's gonna jump in push his head into the back right yeah okay how would i go about doing that could i just grab the bag and pull it you could you would be doing an opposed strength check against him because he's holding the hand with the bag in it i could try paralyzingzing him. I have a spell for that. I'm like, Peyton, what kind of wisdom is this guy looking at?
Starting point is 01:00:08 Oh, God. I don't know. It feels like he's got a plus two kind of wisdom. Interesting. My eye of the tiger is very analytical. I'm a very analytical tiger. Peyton, what does the scanner say about his power level? I love Peyton knows all the stats hey
Starting point is 01:00:26 basically you're familiar now because he's been in so many fights that he's the eye of the tiger means that he can like read these i can analyze anybody i can't beat him but i could definitely see how i could i have hold person which is a wisdom saving throw 13 so it's about a 50 50 toss up here but if it succeeds against him he's paralyzed i feel like that would make life a lot easier for everybody let me explain all the things paralyzed does. Paralyzed creatures incapacitated, can't move or speak. They automatically feel strength and dexterity saving throws. Attack rolls against them have an advantage,
Starting point is 01:00:52 and any attack that hits the creature is a critical hit if you're within five feet of the creature. It's very strong. I'm going to cast Hold Person as a bard. In canon, I'm going to explain this as a mighty shout, and this is a shout that stopped many a christmas mosh pit from forming because sometimes the spirit takes you once in köln germany for example big deal the mall they almost rioted black friday plus the christmas thing people's emotions were high
Starting point is 01:01:17 and i shout hey cool it if this works i I'm going to be fucking stunned. Okay. Please, please, please. No. He got a four. Yay! He is paralyzed.
Starting point is 01:01:42 Something about the, like, the fucking pace in your voice when you say cool it. He just paralyzed. Something about the fucking pace in your voice when you say cool it, he just goes, and he freezes right where he fucking is. So how long does that last? Up to one minute, and then at the end of each of its turns, a target can make another wisdom saving throw. Okay. Okay, so he's paralyzed for a minute?
Starting point is 01:02:00 Unless he succeeds on his next saving throw, but right now he's paralyzed. Oh, so he can do a saving throw next turn? Yes. Okay, so we need to fucking... Yeah, push his head in a bag. All right, I put his... All right, I'm gonna...
Starting point is 01:02:09 Can the bear hold a bag? Yeah, I feel like you could. You got paws? Well, you got paws, but you also got claws. So what we would do is you'd have to... You'd have to roll to make sure you don't rip it. Yes. Do you have any dad joke inspiration, Henry?
Starting point is 01:02:23 No. Because now would be the time to get yourself some. That guy told a pair of lies to his son about being a good father. That's good. That works. All right. Anybody else want to jump on? Normally I'd laugh, but I feel nothing.
Starting point is 01:02:42 That's just a sad truth. He takes one damage. What you're going to do is you're going to do a strength check, but if you succeed by too much, it'll rip. Holy shit. Okay, I am going to shit. Now I'm really nervous. I'm going to rip this bag up.
Starting point is 01:02:59 Okay, okay, okay. Light as a feather. I got a four for the first one says an eight eight does not break the strength it's not gonna break the strength 16 plus 4 20 like a natural trunning would shred the bag like that but it's tough because i'm assuming this vampire is a lot of strength too yeah no it definitely it definitely so like there's a pretty narrow window to be like stronger than the vampire but not so strong that you're not gonna mess up the stitching on this bag all right all right that is the perfect number okay we checked it
Starting point is 01:03:32 you wrench the bag out of his paralyzed hand okay and i shove it onto his head it is now his turn hold on wait we're not fully at the top of the order because Peyton Bennett's with his knife has one turn before this happens, doesn't he? You're right. Peyton Bennett and Terry Jr. have turns. I know. Okay. So yeah, Peyton goes like, what do you want me to do, best friends? What do you want me to do?
Starting point is 01:03:58 Stab that bag, Peyton! You can use the knife this time, son. I mean, Peyton. It's knife time. All right. Peyton, Peyton, stabby, stabby. And he misses the bag. He brings the knife down as hard as he can, and it just goes slightly to the right of the bag.
Starting point is 01:04:16 He's like, I tried. You did good. You did good. Hey, Terry Jr., do you want to destroy that? Do you want to just really want to destroy that bag? Do you want to just like really, really destroy that bag? Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Okay. Six.
Starting point is 01:04:32 Okay, so he goes like, oh, so I should probably get the bag off his head then. That's, you fucking idiot. So he runs over and tries to pull the bag off. He's opposing Henry, I think. Yeah, I feel like he's opposing somebody, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That bear's holding the bag. He's opposing a bear. Yeah, I feel like he's opposing somebody, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That bear's holding that bag.
Starting point is 01:04:46 He's opposing a bear. He'll be a disadvantage. I got a 14. Yeah, he definitely does not manage to get it off of the dude's head. It is now
Starting point is 01:04:58 his turn. So the fire's gone out. He padded it away. Yeah, he padded it away. So he's not on fire anymore. And now he's going to make a wisdom saving throw. Yep, to end his paralysis. To end his away. Yeah, he padded it away. So he's not on fire anymore. And now he's going to make a wisdom saving throw. Yep, to end his paralysis.
Starting point is 01:05:07 To end his paralysis. But his head's in a bag. So like, you know. He'll be confused. Worst case scenario, it buys us time to get into the car. So he saved, but that was the end of his turn, not the beginning. So the bag's still on his head and his hands kind of go lax. And you see his hands touching the fanny pack
Starting point is 01:05:26 like in confusion now it's y'all's turns okay we got to destroy this okay killing Terry senior he's gonna kill absolutely every last one he's already dead how much of it really be
Starting point is 01:05:39 yeah I guess just cut that bag in half well okay let's but let's pause for a second I'm trying to like let's get to the heart of our characters would we kill Terry senior I think in this moment because this battle vampire is also like everything that's happened we've been discussing it's been like six seconds
Starting point is 01:05:52 and like from the moment you put the bag on it's like we're still like in mid-motion like there's not a lot of thinking going on that's true i mean this guy came in to kill us yes right he became a feral beast and swiped and almost killed a bear in two hits. Yeah. All right. Let's kill him. And I don't think it's actually Terry. This is self-defense.
Starting point is 01:06:10 This is, I think, Henry's going to feel guilty about this later, you know, depending on how this goes down. Assuming this is assuming her stupid plan works. Henry, I feel like you got a claw. Let's have Daryl go. Because Henry's holding it. I'm holding the. I've got the skip it.
Starting point is 01:06:25 The only thing I want to double check is if I swing the war cleaver, it won't get rid of the power of the... Bag of holding. No, no. Yeah, the bag of holding, it's inherent magic. The war cleaver's for like enchantments. Like, I enchanted this wall to be invisible. It's for like shit like that. Oh, okay. I'm going to swing my war
Starting point is 01:06:41 cleaver straight. I feel like Henry is kind of like holding a tot, you know? You know, like a rope. And then I'm bringing it right down in the center of that fanny pack. Okay, roll an attack with advantage. I got 14 plus five. Okay, so the ward cleaver comes down
Starting point is 01:06:57 and lands straight in the center of this bag as Terry Jr. watches in horror, like almost in slow motion as it comes down. And the bag tears in the center of it, a massive tear that gets bigger and bigger. And this like bright white light seems to like scream from out of the hole. And you can hear for a brief moment, the sounds of the astral plane and it's real bad.
Starting point is 01:07:19 It sounds like the screams of the forever damned amplified a thousand times from inside your own head. And Terry Sr.'s body just begins to fucking convulse. And then Terry Jr. goes, Dad, no, not again. I can't go through this again. And the bag explodes and leaves behind a completely headless body of Terry Sr. that just continues to convulse and then just stops. And then Terry Jr. just turns to look at you, Ron. I look at Terry Jr. and I say,
Starting point is 01:07:53 who's your daddy now? Oh. It's gonna be alright It'll be alright Cause that's just life Even if you die It'll be alright It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright It'll be alright Cause that's just life
Starting point is 01:08:18 All you do is try And it'll be alright Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson It'll be alright. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close.
Starting point is 01:08:38 Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. This podcast is brought to you by our dad-tastic Patreon supporters. They are among you. They bear the weight of this podcast upon their shoulders. People like Rain Hall, Thaya Moore, Connor McDonald, Saba Pistolas, and Alessandra Scott. Some of you out there listening are jealous of these stalwart individuals, but I have good news for you. You too can join their ranks and get all kinds of cool bonus content
Starting point is 01:09:00 at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Maybe you've enjoyed these past few weeks when we had weekly releases, thanks in no small part to said Patreon supporters. Well, for five bucks a month, you can have that feeling permanently because you'll get an entire podcast released every other week called Talking Dad, where we discuss the ongoing campaign
Starting point is 01:09:16 and answer your questions. That's at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Tweet at Dungeons and Dads, book your faces at bit.ly slash dungeon dads and sub your reddits at slash r slash dungeons and daddies new episode coming after july 16th so everybody have have yourself a good week and we'll see you then there was a time when you could read between the lines you know they never brought you down never brought you down Yeah, so Erin didn't bolt it in from the inside. She just ran away.
Starting point is 01:09:52 Yeah, she's outside and closed it on us because she doesn't want to get involved in the fight. And why is her name not Erin Brockowich? Holy shit. Oh my god. Ooh, a vampire's dead. Beth just killed a vampire. That was easy.

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