Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 15 - 8 Simple Rules for Dadding my Teenage Paeden

Episode Date: August 20, 2019

The dads assess their situation in the aftermath. Darryl confronts the looming task before him, Glenn's plan doesn't quite go as he hoped, Ron thinks outside the box, and Henry experiences some growth....This episode contains profanity.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Ron, they're in the room with me, Ron. Um, okay, so this next part is very important. They're going to take you. Oh, God! Carrie, shout out everything you see about them. Uh, eye color, um, whether they have any cool looking scars.
Starting point is 00:00:44 I don't know who you are. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money, but I am a very successful businessman. What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills such as networking, social media. I've done Facebook before. If you let my Terry go now, that'll be the end of it.
Starting point is 00:01:14 I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. I won't even talk bad about you. But if you don't, I will look for you. I will find you.. I will find you. And I will kill you. With the help of my other dad friends. Good luck. welcome to dungeons and daddies sometimes a bdsm podcast a actual play dnd podcast about four dads
Starting point is 00:01:59 flung into the forgotten realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons my name is freddie wong i play glenn close the bard rock star of the group and this week's glenn fact is as follows the so formal this is like an evening with dungeons of daddies in the following essay i'll explain how my dad the only dating apps that glenn has is guacamole on his first dates. Oh, like appetizer. Wow. And the only appetizer he orders is guacamole. He's a rock star. He doesn't need an app. I just don't know if Freddie's actually giving us a Glenn fact
Starting point is 00:02:34 or just a joke. Oh, I'm sorry. It can't be both. Worked into a Glenn fact. I was going to say, no, it's a Glenn fact. It's not only a Glenn fact. It's a Freddie fact. Because every time I go with Freddie,
Starting point is 00:02:43 he likes to buy guacamole. Yeah. And Freddie will happily tell you about how Tinder doesn't work for Asian people. You literally just told me that. Okay, so if a man had that on his Tinder app, I'd slide into his DMs, but only to call him a liar. I don't believe you'll buy guacamole when we go out. You cheap fuck. All right.
Starting point is 00:03:05 My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's now a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. And dad fact, keeping with simple stuff. So Daryl's favorite book is the Guinness Book of World Records. Nice. Tied. Even after seeing the John Oliver video about it? He watches John Oliver.
Starting point is 00:03:25 Tied with Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss. Does Daryl have any world records? He likes all the animal ones. The animal ones? Like the smallest dog and the largest cat. That sort of stuff. That's wholesome. Those are vanilla ones, yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:36 That's the stuff he likes. She doesn't get me there. I need something kinkier. I'm more of a longest fingernail type of gal. That's like the dirty stuff. He looks and he goes, oh, and he looks away, but he's like, this book's great. This is fun. Hey, everyone.
Starting point is 00:03:51 You might be wondering who I am. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak on this podcast. Henry Oak is a granola crunching, Birkenstock rocking, hippie nature dad slash druid. And this week's dad fact, I got a little bit of a call out from the fans about my last dad oh yeah because henry's original favorite tv show is of course the hit tv show bones oh yes and so i got kind of put on blast so i'd like to amend my list you're canceled i'm canceled like bones the most problematic thing henry's ever done i'd like to amend my list. You're canceled. I'm canceled, like Bones. The most problematic thing Henry's ever done.
Starting point is 00:04:26 I'd like to amend my list to kind of get the continuity straight. Henry's first favorite TV show is The Sunrise. Henry's second favorite TV show is The Sunset. And Bones is number three? Bones is Henry's third favorite TV show.
Starting point is 00:04:43 That's it for Henry this week. I'm going to pass things over to Beth May. Hi, Beth. How are you today? Hi, Will. I'm great. My name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather,
Starting point is 00:04:54 who has recently become a little more emotionally attached. I know. And fun fact about Ron this week is that he attempted the Spicy Taco Wall of Flame challenge at True North Tavern in San Dimas. Is this a real thing? He did not complete it, though. Not because the tacos were too spicy, but because he does not like tacos that much. I did four years of research to come up with this sad fact,
Starting point is 00:05:26 and it's part of my thesis. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Okay. Truly, Ron Stampler is living moss. Ron Stampler bodies the live moss mentality. Dave Navarro would be so proud. Has anyone done any food challenges? I don't have a spicy food challenge fact or story,
Starting point is 00:05:45 but I do have another homebrew knock-knock joke. I'd like to deploy on all of you. I did notice that Freddie cut out my knock-knock joke and made everyone wait till the end to hear it last time. So I'm hoping our Lord and Savior Freddie Wong will leave this one in as intended right at the top of the show to get everything started with a big laugh. Okay, you guys.
Starting point is 00:06:08 Is every is one ever really truly ready? So fucking excited Anthony, you have to do it. You're the one behind the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Knock knock no solicitors you can play along with the bitter. Go go knock knock. Who's there? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:24 Yahoo. Jesus God in heaven and all the stars above we don't have to save grant we can just end the show as it is fuck all of you yeah i'm the best oh boy all right oh boy anthony bring this all together the audience may not believe this but it's actually this feels like it's actually our first episode that we save for later. That's what the energy feels like. Yeah. It's like when they shoot the pilot really late in the season. So you get the like actual attitude.
Starting point is 00:06:51 Well, I mean, you see their real first episode. It's like, Whoa, this is rough. Yeah. I'm Anthony Birch. Still every day I wake up, I look at the mayor. Still me, baby. I'm your daddy master. And my daddy fact is
Starting point is 00:07:05 if you ever have the good fortune to be on a podcast that gets a fan base going make sure not to mention uh sketches that you don't like because for the past two weeks uh every day i woke up to new facebook notifications like somebody's talking about cheezoid and they tagged you oh here's a video of someone dancing to cheezoid here's a video of somebody else reacting to you not liking cheezoid and what's weird is i feel like most of the people doing this also don't like cheezoid but it's just inherently funny to bring up a thing to a person that doesn't like the thing stay tuned for anthony birch's cell phone number so that you can not only text him cheezoid facts laugh at cheezoid and the world laughs with you ask once and then we'll we'll never talk about cheezoid facts. Laugh at Cheezoid and the world laughs with you, Anthony.
Starting point is 00:07:47 Ask once and then we'll never talk about Cheezoid again. Have you since watched Cheezoid? I have. I genuinely, whatever the time period was where you were like, hey, wait two weeks and then watch it again. I waited. I was a good boy and I waited that and I watched it again and it had the exact same reaction on me the second time. Maybe I'm unusual because it clearly worked on Beth.
Starting point is 00:08:04 Pet troll. I just don because it clearly worked on Beth. Pet troll. I just don't fucking, oh boy. It's like almost jokes. The tower begins to shake, not like a constant shaking, but like a boom, boom. And you realize it's the sound and the feeling of tree fingers digging into the side of the castle and climbing up it. And soon, two or three, two or three, I'm the one saying it. It's three trees. 30 or 50. Three to 50.
Starting point is 00:08:35 Three to 50 feral trees. Imagine your favorite number of trees. That many climb their way up to where you are. There's a bunch of trees coming our way, gentlemen. And riding one of them like fucking Mary Andor or pippin is uh is aaron o'neill i mean i'm getting my axe ready and stuff i'm getting ready in case they do something okay just you know just in case we have to roll initiative i want to get that advantage i'm gonna go out on a limb here oh gosh d4 d4 and incidentally uh for those those of you following along with our character sheets, which we don't have online, we all leveled up in between.
Starting point is 00:09:07 Anthony told us, level up. So we did. Thanks, Will. You're welcome. I didn't even finish my pun, but I'm not going to. No, no, please. That wasn't the whole pun? I was just going to say I didn't finish the sentence.
Starting point is 00:09:18 Oh, okay. I was going to be like, I'm going out on a limb here, and I think that we should get ready for some fight. A fight in this neck of the woods? Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. I'm going to slide the book I purloined from Aaron's place and get my Zippo lighter ready.
Starting point is 00:09:37 Okay. Next to it. As they begin to climb up, you hear Aaron go like, woof, I heard that last bit. That was pretty rough that was it yeah yeah that's it sounds like the emotions that would happen with a real child a child not fucking tree you haven't learned a lot have you i feel the same way about my i was gonna make this a thing where we could come together it sucks to lose a child in the same way that i have lost my children now they're're back. I was trying to build a bridge. Okay, sorry. The
Starting point is 00:10:05 motions are really high. That's just I just tell yeah, okay. Hey, wait, let me ask you a question Aaron. Yeah. Okay, so I'm hiding the book. So it's not visible. Yeah, if I need to I'll pull it out. I notice you had a lot of books. Yeah. Yeah, I like to read. Are you going to interesting? So you participate
Starting point is 00:10:21 in the wholesale slaughter of trees to make paper for books a my or no So you participate in the wholesale slaughter of trees to make paper for books, eh? Aaron O'Neill, you participate in society, yet you condemn society. Yet you are capitalism. Interesting. Yes. Unfortunately, the books that I rent from the library are made of the corpses of what I would consider to be my children. And every day it makes me feel very upset. But then why do you continue doing it? Because the option is not having any knowledge at all,
Starting point is 00:10:48 not knowing how to rise up against my- Interesting. I'm just saying, you know, hey, guys, if you guys had an object that was made from the flesh of your children- Yeah, I agree. That seems interesting for somebody who compares trees to children.
Starting point is 00:11:01 Actually, I was wondering, do you have any, you know, books made of Terry? Because I would accept a book form of children. Actually, I was wondering, do you have any, you know, books made of Terry? Because I would accept a book form of Terry. Uh, aw. I mean, I could make a, I have made books of flesh that I could like,
Starting point is 00:11:16 I could like write. What the fuck is up with this world and people making books out of people? This place is so jacked up, guys. Ron pats his pockets of his many pants like i don't have any terry flush in here can we have a quick dad hold do you mind take your time why not
Starting point is 00:11:30 me and my ends will wait as long as it takes okay so again i don't want to jump in but you know i feel like i need to air out something here i don't care how often she says she feels that their trees are fucking children as glenn brought up i would not read books if they're made for my children look i'm the one who was like okay with like the slavery dragons and try to figure out how to make that stuff work moral relativism aside this is some bullshit and she's gonna kill a bunch of people unless henry you know what i'm putting this on you henry what the fuck what what i don't okay you keep groaning every time i say these are trees these are trees okay i just don't want her to kill this village. To be fair, I would read a book made out of my child's flesh
Starting point is 00:12:08 if it was a good book. Well, Ron is doing a great job handling the emotional fallout of Terry Jr.'s disappearance. Okay, I want to pump the brakes here, gentlemen. One, Ron, are you okay? That was a lot. I just want to check in because i know when i saw my boys disappear it was really tough we've all kind of i don't care about your boys henry my my boy i i won
Starting point is 00:12:32 i got him back and then you know i don't even think we should bother with with daryl's kid i mean like sure we might get him back oh i was saying that I don't think that we should bother that kid. Okay, well, that's, thank you for- I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore. I think we're all feeling very angry, and it seems like the common thing we can all unite around is that our main goal is to focus that anger and that energy towards the purple robe piece of shit that's taking our fucking kids. So keeping all that in mind and keeping all that
Starting point is 00:13:05 energy in mind i think it's important not to get into pedantic side arguments sorry for using a judgy word like pedantic daryl but i understand your frustration with the hypocrisy goes out to the window hey everybody screams the village your kids lives all your lives it's pedantic if we try to save it it's pedantic daryl you know what you know what ron uh you know we tried saving like you know i'm just gonna put this out there i feel like we've all done a really good job at helping everybody get their kids right and it feels like there's a lot of judgment here when this one person here is trying to save the lives of everybody else also and now i'm hearing let's not even save daryl's kid i'm not okay here's all i was gonna say and then i healed the floor daryl i understand your frustration
Starting point is 00:13:49 i'm not entirely on board with all the shenanigans going on here i think we need to protect this town as well i agree with you all i'm saying is it seems like the vibe with aaron right now is we could maybe convince her to not kill everybody. And I don't think the way we're going to make inroads with her is by getting into a whole thing about her hypocrisy. That's just going to make her put her walls back up. Look. All right. Shoot. Okay. You guys want to hear a little hypocrisy about me? I'm a vegetarian. I got leather shoes. You know, I got a leather belt. I'm not giving it up. I like my leather belt. It looks cool on me, but you know, I still think that it's wrong to kill cows. So that's me.
Starting point is 00:14:25 That's hypocrisy. I think we can all find some hypocrisy within us. No. Rather, okay. I'm just saying, I know we're all teed off right now. So all I'm trying to do is get that energy focused so that we can be productive as opposed to it burning bridges. I have, okay. I understand I might have gotten upset.
Starting point is 00:14:44 Daryl gets upset sometimes okay i am just tired of us uh moving around this world accepting the things that are happening when these kids that were in cages she was okay with that i would say that terry jr's mostly gone because of her she's a witch she's powerful she could have done a million things to stop this thing from happening and now i just don't know i just know if i'm comfortable trying to do diplomacy with her to get what she's gonna help me suggest do you suggest i suggest i would like her to not destroy this town and yes you're right henry got a hothead you should be the coach right now i got it i got cool off you talk to her but the end game needs to be she does not kill this entire village and if she is gonna kill this entire village i will die stopping it okay henry
Starting point is 00:15:25 i don't know if i agree with you man i've seen a lot of youtube videos that say if you debate someone and destroy them in the debate you can win those arguments at least that's what all my youtube viewing has led me to believe i think we just need to be the dad we wish to see in the world and i wish to see a very violent dad i wish to see these kids to go back to their parents and not be killed by a tree lady because she thinks trees are people. Okay. I think I understand the page that all of us are on.
Starting point is 00:15:52 I'd like to open up a dialogue with Aaron now. Okay. Hello, Aaron, Miss O'Neill, Miss Witch O'Neill. Oh yeah, you're done talking now? Yes. What was she doing during that long conversation? Oh, did it take too long for us to solve your entire problem? Daryl, Daryl.
Starting point is 00:16:08 Okay. Glenn makes a note that the girl from Evening Appears to be the most popular song in this world. Actually, the girl from Neverwinter. Girl from Neverwinter. Ooh, the syllables work and everything. Oh, it does. Yeah. Miss O'Neill?
Starting point is 00:16:19 Yes. We would like to ask you a couple questions. So where's your head at? Because I came up here. On my neck, Aaron. Where's yours? Okay. All right.
Starting point is 00:16:29 I came up here to parlay. I came up here with the solution. Par-tay. I love it. Where all of us get to leave happy. Okay. So where are you coming from? Because it feels like that one's real angry.
Starting point is 00:16:40 She says pointing at Daryl. That one maybe doesn't know where they are. She says pointing at Ron. That one, I'm- He seems to be hiding something behind his back oh yeah yeah what the fuck is that guy hiding behind his back just stretching this has been a crazy day for us we're losing sons left and right this we're over three with this purple robed man uh do you know anything about a mysterious purple robed guy abducting children oh uh no i do not that sounds hard though can you
Starting point is 00:17:05 ask like the forest if the forest knows anything do any of you any of you know anything about it and they all just kind of like rotate back and forth in a way that kind of looks like they're shaking their head if they had a head but they don't they're just trees so she's like no debris and twigs falling everywhere like a squirrel gets jostled and it's holding on. Our primary goal is to find our sons. We are from another world. We came to this world. Our sons are missing. We're looking for them.
Starting point is 00:17:29 Our secondary goal is that we consider ourselves moral beings who look out for the welfare of fellow life forms, and we would be very opposed to you destroying this village. So we were hoping we could come to some sort of agreement about that. And our third goal is to have fun. And I be frank i'm not having fun but i'm not frank i'm wrong yeah eric erin i mean it seems like we kind of helped take care of a problem you did and i'm very grateful pretty good so i mean why don't you just move on and you know sort of let these people be hanging out here this you know the world is wide.
Starting point is 00:18:05 We've gone through quite a bit of it and just, you know, just set up shop somewhere else. And it's kind of a truce. It seems kind of reasonable. That's all I'm saying. All right. So both of you roll persuasion. Naturola 20. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:18:21 And I want to point this out really quick because I'm going to be doing a statistical analysis of this. roll a 20 oh shit and i'm gonna point this out really quick because i'm gonna be doing a statistical analysis of this but something to keep in mind one or a 20 is two out of 20 which means 10 of your rolls is either going to be a crit fail or a natural 20 and if you figure out how many times you rolled or anything you should expect to see a lot more than i think a lot of people think there's four of you yeah exactly anyway just say that freddie told me about both that and the asians on t Tinder thing before we started recording. Money ball Freddie Wong over here. There's nothing new under the sun. That's why you never show up early to a Dungeons and Daddies recording.
Starting point is 00:18:51 Just reruns. I got a 19. 19? Oh, Jesus. Okay. So she goes, ah. Yeah, no. That, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:00 No, that makes a lot of sense, I guess. You did me a solid. I feel like I should do you a solid. This is, I mean, this is our home you can you at least be a little sympathetic this is our home and now we have to like find a new home if i can go walking around that's like the nature of uh well nature i guess right species show up there's a bit of competition and over time you know it kind of sorts itself out right i have a word that I think about a lot because it's on a bumper sticker on the back of my Prius. Fuck.
Starting point is 00:19:30 And it's called Coexist. And I think maybe this world could use a little more coexisting. So I'm just saying maybe there's a way for you and this town to coexist. They've lost so much. They've been through so much. And the same way that you help these trees grow, you could help these people grow. You could help them find balance between the forest and the people.
Starting point is 00:19:55 Yeah. You make a lot. I really got a really good points. And sorry, almost tried to kill you. And sorry about the other thing. All right, let's go, guys. And then to the uh the trees and they begin to go down aaron wait one sec uh-huh oh god daryl aaron i appreciate i'm sorry i got uh hot-tempered i i can tell that you care a lot about those trees it's really nice of you that you're leaving you're gonna help this town can i
Starting point is 00:20:21 can i ask you something yeah what's up so like like henry said we've we've tried saving our sons and we've saved three of them or four sorry i forgot that you have two kids yes yes um and every time we've saved them they disappear and they get taken by this purple cloak guy which i know you said you don't know anything about we haven't saved my kid yet and that's because as of right now if we're the moment we meet him i have to eat his skin and kill him. So you want to hit me with that one again? Sorry, what was that? We had a blood pact with a man who sold them into slavery.
Starting point is 00:20:54 You made a blood pact with the guy who sold them into slavery? I didn't know it was going to be a blood pact. It's sort of a surprise. We were lying. And then he quickly rolled a higher dexterity dice than me and stabbed my hand yeah so i'm gonna have to eat him or we die boy oh boy so yeah that puts us in a little tough spot because there's nothing i want more than to save my kid just like there's nothing you want more than to make a home for your family but i don't even know how we could do that you're
Starting point is 00:21:20 witch is there any sort of spell or any place you could lead us to that could maybe help us or how do like blood packs work how do blood packs work well blood packs generally work where you are staking your soul your life your eternal life not just in this life but in the next if there is one on your word essentially but like a pact is usually right between two people right yeah who are you making it with It is inclement upon the person who so who this guy that you signed the pack with. I assume he was a was a sorcerer or something. He must have to have that kind of a magic on him.
Starting point is 00:21:52 What was this guy named the Lance? He's like a he's like a big somebody. What was he like? He was like a big somebody over in Phandalin. The spell applies to you as a group. You have all entered into a group contract. If any one of you should meet Grant and not kill him within 24 hours
Starting point is 00:22:10 of confirming that it is Grant, all of your lives will be forfeit. Will end. Irreversibly. We know what that means. Okay. Just making sure. You may keep this receipt of the pact that we have made. And he hands you the picture. So Aaron says, can I see the blood pact? here i'm gonna hand you just just forewarning it is made out of paper i am understand
Starting point is 00:22:31 that you're sensitive to that it's i mean i know how blood packs work it's fine okay i just want to make sure i'm trying to be when she takes it from me he goes just like just twitches a little bit so she takes the picture from you uh unfolds it this sees the picture of your child screaming and she narrows her eyes and studies it yeah blood pack can't like a transfusion help that or something like can we donate to the red cross or if daryl you're almost onto something i think if daryl changes out all his blood oh oh wait a minute does the blood pack still apply the way that a blood pack works is it's the person
Starting point is 00:23:05 who signed the blood pact and anybody whom they represent anybody who it seems like they have the authority to make a decision for so presumably all four of you would be involved but if you're suggesting that all four of you get complete blood transfusions or those kids like maybe there's a leftover vampire and they just suck all of our blood out and then we'll be bloodless people. Oh, I hadn't even thought about that. If you all were vampires, the blood pact only takes precedence if you were a living. So if you're all dead. So on that, just just brainstorming.
Starting point is 00:23:37 I don't mean to be not trying to be violent, Henry. I appreciate that. OK, if you killed if one of the members of the blood pact died, is the blood pact done? No, because you were the head of the group when you made that. Okay. If you killed, if one of the members of the blood pack died, is the blood pack done? No, because you were the head of the group when you made that blood pack. So it looks like from the way that this is done, all of you would die. Essentially.
Starting point is 00:23:51 If the kid doesn't know, I think he's asking if we killed the guy we signed the blood pact with. Oh no, no, it doesn't work that way. Oh, okay. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:59 You can kill him all you want. The pack is independent of him. One last brainstorm. I'm going to get a little violent here. Could we torture him into changing the blood pact uh i mean you could torture him into making a separate blood pact but i don't know if it would counteract this one okay they're additive yeah they're just keep going on i i didn't know you i didn't know you all had a had a blood pact with your kid i feel bad for the thing i did you know sometimes things happen and we kind of have
Starting point is 00:24:24 to roll with it and that was very much what it was like at the very beginning of this adventure. Yeah, no. I mean, when I say I feel bad for the thing I did, I mean, specifically, you threw everything you had in your van into my house when you were hiding from the vampires. What? And then you talked about killing my kid and then you ran. And then I looked down, one of my library books has got, they stole my library book. That's what's behind your back. Is that, is that,
Starting point is 00:24:47 I mean, cards on the table, is that? Wait, I thought this was one of, oh, it's fine. It's one of mine.
Starting point is 00:24:53 It was just leverage before we knew that we were going to be friends. You don't have to be nice to me because I, the thing I did, I already did. I burned all the books
Starting point is 00:25:01 that you, oh my God, because I thought like you, I had to feel okay so she so they took my books they're gonna destroy it so I might as well destroy theirs so now we both have to get rid of the library cause that's where now we're on the same page kind of thing. Should we burn your books so we are on the same page? I mean if you want to
Starting point is 00:25:16 you can. Cause then you would need to help us kill the library right? I mean yeah I don't want to be a dick about it so like yeah I'll help you but I just I felt like I should tell you that sooner rather than later. I feel like, didn't we have a book called magic? Like that dick magic for dicks.
Starting point is 00:25:30 Would dick magic for dicks have had like an answer to this question in it? Uh, it might've. I mean, but there's that book's probably somewhere else, right? Yeah. I mean,
Starting point is 00:25:39 we can go to the library. Yeah. I mean, the library has a lot of really rare, one of a kind books. He's generally the guy we can try to find a different copy. Maybe. Are you saying if we got our blood replaced with dicks,
Starting point is 00:25:49 like Ron is just like coming in and out of this conversation. Yeah. I think you would have different problems if that were your, your life, but yeah. So for more than four hours, I think what is the book of burn? It's the Kucinich book.
Starting point is 00:26:04 Oh, it's the, wait, the, the great Druid Kucinich book. Oh, it's the book. Wait, the great druid Kucinich might have advice for us in such a situation as these. He had the practical solutions and vision that America needed. Maybe he'll have some ideas on what we could do in this situation.
Starting point is 00:26:14 Let me see that book. So yeah, you look through the book and the very first page is the table of contents. The first chapter is don't do blood packs. Damn, we should have read this book. There's some stuff in there about garden magic and life magic, but why don't you roll history? History.
Starting point is 00:26:31 Yeah. Oh, I got that nat 20, baby. Good Lord. Okay, by looking through this, you can see that in the chapter don't do blood packs, there is a footnote that says, if you do happen to ever do a blood pack, there's one foolproof and extremely dangerous
Starting point is 00:26:46 way to get around it. And that's to get your hands on a deck of many things. Because a deck of many things, which is a real, is not a thing I'm making up, it's a D&D thing. Does it say that in Kucinich's book? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a footnote to the footnote that says this is real, this is not Kucinich bullshit.
Starting point is 00:27:03 There's a single card in a deck of many things that's called a wish and it just allows you to just grant a wish and override any other form of magic within relative reason you can't like destroy the world and make it or you know bring everybody out of the whatever so if we wish that our blood was dicks exactly we all agree that ron's not going to be allowed to touch the card right just because ron's not touching the cards erin there's something in here about how we could use a deck of many things to break this blood pact. Yes, that's really powerful and really dangerous magic.
Starting point is 00:27:32 Why is it so dangerous? Because in order to use a deck of many things, you shuffle the deck and you draw as many cards as you want to. And like all the cards that you draw activate. And some of the cards are like you just get transported uh a thousand miles away or you open up a portal to a hell dimension or you know your body video game doom how many cards are there in the deck there are 18 cards in a deck okay so one in 18 chance you know you figure you get through some of them it sounds like that might be the only way we can do this if you handle that bag of beans pretty well i mean we got through it aaron you said that you're gonna help us regardless
Starting point is 00:28:04 yeah i feel like i feel like that's fair like you know dad's to moms i'm a mom of all these trees pretty well. We got through it. Aaron, you said that you're going to help us regardless. Yeah, I feel like I feel like that's fair. Like, you know, dad's to moms. I'm a mom of all these trees. Your dad, you have, you know, some issues. I'm going to have that book. Yeah, sure. All right. I go and I bring it over to Aaron. I go, I, you know, I feel, you know, at least partially responsible for what's happened between us and I hear the book and I, and I, and I assume that you're of your word just like I am. So I put my hand out and I go, we'd love your help. We don't need to burn a book to make you do it.
Starting point is 00:28:29 She puts out her hand and shakes yours. Nice to meet you. Henry tears up a little bit. Oh wow. I was waiting for the swerve. I was waiting for you to fucking do a stone cold stunner on her. Okay. So you know,
Starting point is 00:28:41 sometimes dads can be genuine. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, I, I, yeah,
Starting point is 00:28:44 I wouldn't know. Uh, okay. So first things first though guys number one the library is gonna be after our asses now yeah one of those books do back oh yeah we got a couple problems we gotta separate them out prioritize them organize our solutions and figure out how we're gonna approach this so first things first our books have been burned so we need to deal with the library. Library is definitely a time limit. Yes. To be fair,
Starting point is 00:29:07 we don't know what's going on with Grant. And I got to admit, I've been very worried because if he's, you know, if he's like Glenn's kid, you know, and he's just like hanging out with a bunch of, you know, hopefully a little bit,
Starting point is 00:29:15 you know, better influence, but kids, you know, all good. But if he's, you know, enslaved or something, sooner the better. But we got to, you know, you got to take care of yourself first, Daryl, you know,
Starting point is 00:29:24 and we're going to do Grant no good if the library comes and makes books out of us. Where is the library going? Do you know where his next stop is on his book tour? He's in Meadowshade for the next two to three weeks, and then he starts heading back here, I believe. So he's in Meadowshade right now where Grant is. And she starts scratching him.
Starting point is 00:29:42 She goes, deck of many things. Why the fuck am I, why does deck of many things ring a bell and she's oh yeah there was somebody there was like a traveler coming back from meadow shade that was mentioning there's some sort of contest tournament something along those lines where the reward is a deck of many things do any idea what this contest was anything more specific uh he said it was it was about night or something it was something about uh i think it happened at night it happened at night a night contest flashlight tag you guys ever do flashlight tag oh my god i haven't thought about this this was literally seven
Starting point is 00:30:16 oh man i love to get my flashlight tag oh it's tag in the dark you get grant and his friends over and they run around the backyard with flashlights and you know if you get seen by flashlight you're it. You never done flashlight tag, Glenn? Glenn's like, oh, flashlight tag. No! No! Oh, no!
Starting point is 00:30:34 Oh, no! Oh, you did a bad... Will made a... Will did a crime. Will said a criminal thing. Oh, that's so good. Well done, Will. It's the opposite of a knock-knock joke.
Starting point is 00:30:51 Oh, no. Okay. Although one has to wonder what it would look like. I guess we should go to Meadowshed, but we have to... Here's the only thing. We have to be very careful not to see Grant. Oh, my God. You know, it's's the only thing. We have to be very careful not to see Grant. Oh my god. It's like that show 24.
Starting point is 00:31:06 If we run into Grant, we have 24 hours to save his life. Wait, do you guys all watch 24? Yeah. What's your favorite season? Season 4 or 5, absolutely. The one with President Logan. I like the one with the cougar. Oh, that's the very first season? Yeah. That's season 2, actually, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:31:22 That was season 2. Yeah, where Kim gets the cougar. I was like, you hour in the life of jack bauer the in a single day of jack bauer's life the awesome cool agent from ctu this is what i was thinking about i was driving home the other day and i was like why don't we have like an entire like 20 minutes of Jack Bauer in the toilet? Yes, that's something that a lot of people who are fans of 24 talk about and how Jack Bauer never pees, but I think it's because he goes in his go bag. He goes in the commercial breaks. During the course of the show, it's not one continuous hour.
Starting point is 00:31:55 It's 40 minutes, but there's commercial breaks. Those commercial breaks are periods you don't see Jack Bauer. So you assume he actually goes to the bathroom during those commercial breaks. Aaron O'Neill's like, what are you talking about? What is any of this? Okay, we'll figure out how not to see Grant when we get there.
Starting point is 00:32:07 Well, if the contest is at night, then it'll be hard to see him anyway. That's true. I'm a little fuzzy on like, is it like if we're in the vicinity? If we have our eyes closed. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:32:18 Do we see Grant? No, that would work. We have to have our eyes closed. So specifically. No, no, if you can prevent yourself from positively identifying Grant, the pact works off of your understanding of the world. So if you can find a way to make yourself
Starting point is 00:32:32 not realize that you've seen Grant... Guys, we all have to go blind. I'm sorry, that's the only solution. No one feel Daryl's son. I mean, the second that you realize who it is, like I'm saying like you could go in blind, but if you say, hey, Grant, and you hear somebody go, yeah, then it still counts.
Starting point is 00:32:46 Daryl, I don't remember what your kid looks like or what he sounds like, and I don't really care. So I think I'm the man for the seeing job. That might prove useful. There's some issues in terms of some of your capabilities on some of the other aspects of the mission, I'm sure. But no, that's great, Ron. I think that will be very helpful. I'll use my eagle eyes. All right. Okay. So seems our best course of action is to head towards meadow shade that's where the library is that's where this deck of many things
Starting point is 00:33:12 is that's where grant is and we need to find grant eventually yeah we're going to try to be extra careful to not see grant but if we do we have a day and then we need to solve it into that day now that's super scary but it's not like we see him and he's going to have to die on site or something. You guys want maybe, um, one of the cool things they do in 24, sometimes there's a lot of stuff happening.
Starting point is 00:33:30 They like the conversation continues, but like another location. So maybe you guys want to do like a long rest and like, you know, go to like a campfire. Then we could talk about how to kill the library. It was like a campfire. I mean,
Starting point is 00:33:40 not a campfire. Um, my, my metal beast has like a warming. We can all get warm. Great. That sounds great. That sounds fantastic. I think we should do that within the hour. I, no, I can't fire it. My Metal Beast has like a warming. We can all get warm. That sounds great. That sounds really good. That sounds fantastic.
Starting point is 00:33:46 I think we should do that within the hour. I love it, Henry. So can we all long rest? Yes. I peed during the bathroom break, during the commercial. Is it this time that I used the toilet on this balcony? I opened up my toolbox and I got some wood glue and I was talking to Aaron and apologizing and I was filling the ax thing and I was like filling i was like no wood glue is actually stronger than wood like once you get all the
Starting point is 00:34:07 thing with wood glue is that the uh the joint's stronger than the wood itself yeah yeah so that's cool sorry about throwing an ax in there he goes wait shit really yeah you want it you want it i give her the bottle literally can i absolutely this thing will patch up any problem oh hell yeah okay so if you take some sawdust you mix it up into a paste that a resulting paste stronger than the bond you say sawdust and she goes dads are incapable of using wood glue without pointing out that you know the joint stronger than the wood itself as you know
Starting point is 00:34:33 she said you walk your way back down the tower stopping to grab paid in the rest of the kids give I get pain a big old thumbs up we did pretty good Peyton's like, where's the kid that you... Well, let's not talk about that. Do you remember what happened to Bullywogs? Yeah. Yeah, that again.
Starting point is 00:34:50 Oh, that's repetitive. How did Team Peyton do? I mean, we're fine. We're just sort of hanging out playing P-Knuckle. When I do the wood glue, I get all the... P-Knuckle? Yeah. That's a card game, right? Oh, no, that's not what P-Knuckle is in this world. Peyton, what's your P-Knuckle? My P-Knuckle? Yeah, what's the game? Is it P-Knuckle or P-Knuckle? It's P-knuckle? Yeah. That's a card game, right? Oh, no, that's not what P-knuckle is in this world. Peyton, what's your P-knuckle?
Starting point is 00:35:05 My P-knuckle? Yeah, what's the game? Is it P-knuckle or P-knuckle? It's P-knuckle. P-knuckle. Describe the rules. It's a different game. The rules of P-knuckle are as follows.
Starting point is 00:35:14 You hold a P between your knuckles, and then you try to punch somebody else in the face as hard as you can without breaking the P. We know that. I win every time. We know that everyone's like slightly bruised and bloody. Yeah, they're all kind of bruised except for Peyton. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:28 They agreed to do this, by the way. We're all, we're all psyched. We all love people. The kids are like, we love Pinochle. When I do the wood glue, I definitely explain. I'm like, I tell the kids to come over so they can learn how to use wood glue also. I teach them all about what glue does. This is so okay.
Starting point is 00:35:42 Little kids, do you, are your, what's the deal with your parents and stuff? I think most of them are still alive except for his, except for mine. So I guess we'll just go back to them and one of us will probably have to adopt him or something. That's great. They would have been kind of a burden on our mission. So yeah, you see them begin to sort of, once they leave the tower, they just sort of spread out into the village. Once they hear the magic of wood glue, they're like, oh, it's time to go home. Yeah, we're good. Thanks and everything, but we're good.
Starting point is 00:36:09 And they start walking back. You see some of the parents start coming out and they're crying. They fall on their knees and grab their kids. I pass around the hat for tips. Anybody? So that was us. Thank you. You're welcome, everybody. At least a couple of the parents think that you're offering them the hat too. Oh, so gracious of you.
Starting point is 00:36:24 No, no, no. This uh just uh you know a fair compensation for uh saving your village here just uh walking around and uh yeah anybody uh yep that's your kids got your kids back love your lives back they're no longer vampires what's that worth to you think about it how much money do i collect you end up collecting like 10 gold not a lot fucking farmers cheapskates yeah hey payton did you make any uh special friends like where any of these kids especially You end up collecting like 10 gold. Not a lot. Fucking farmer's cheapskates. Yeah. Hey, Peyton, did you make any special friends? Like were any of these kids especially cool? Here's the thing you need to know about Peyton.
Starting point is 00:36:51 I try not to get too attached. I love Peyton's winded already in this conversation. I live my life a quarter mile at a time. I try not to make too many connections because I don't want to hurt anybody, you know? Why a quarter mile? Why not a quarter mile? Good point. Take your time.
Starting point is 00:37:06 Enjoy life as you go. Is that how far you're going to run before you get out of breath? I get very winded after about a quarter mile. A quarter mile is a lot longer than you think. My cardio is not the best. I have asthma. All right. This voice, you'll get this voice from nothing.
Starting point is 00:37:21 Wait, do we have, have we had an inhaler, and then Peyton's voice suddenly changes the moment he hears it. Hey, guys, it's Peyton. But none of these kids were especially annoying or anything? No, they're just all kids. They're just dumb kids. You haven't seen the thrill of combat. I mean, they're sad and stuff.
Starting point is 00:37:39 That one's dad died. Hey, Peyton, check this out. I hold up a thing of duct tape. Oh, what's that? Hey, catch. And I throw it really far. Go get it, man. As far away as possible. Are you playing fetch? Go get that thing. It's really fun.
Starting point is 00:37:55 It's not as strong as wood glue. That's why. No, I think this tape is stronger than you, Payton. I want to see if you can snap it. It says 17. I'm going to fucking go get it. What the fuck is... It says 17. He goes, nothing, Charlie. I'm going to fucking go get it. And he runs after the duck. Quick dad huddle.
Starting point is 00:38:09 I want to talk without Payton. Hey, I love Payton. I'm wondering if we should maybe... We should give him a home here. I'm just worried that's going to get dangerous. And I feel like it's a little selfish. I feel like I'm keeping him alone because it's just nice to have a kid around.
Starting point is 00:38:23 But I don't know. It does feel a little irresponsible to keep having him here. And there is a lot of kids here. And now that we know that the village isn't going to be destroyed by Aaron, the tree, which he might be right, Daryl. It was just a thought. Glenn is shaking his head. No, Glenn.
Starting point is 00:38:39 I we all miss our son. We need a fighter. I feel like he's not really a fighter. I mean, he's a fighter deep down. But like, I mean, he could get killed. He has the eye of the tiger. He tells us about people we fight. How else is Anthony going to give his exposition? I
Starting point is 00:38:51 have to agree with Daryl on this one. I think it's the responsible thing to do. Ron, what do you think? I mean, I don't really care, but if he's staying, then I might stay too, because it sounds like sounds like the Meadowlands might be kind of dangerous. I don't know if saving grant is worth getting rid of the two most favorite
Starting point is 00:39:11 characters of this podcast. Ron says on second thought, I think I'll come with. So yeah, I don't know. I, I, so Peyton comes back with the duct tape. He's like, I beat the shit out of, yeah. I don't know. So Peyton comes back with the duct tape. He's like, I beat the shit out of this thing.
Starting point is 00:39:29 I don't know where you were going. I tore it up and everything, man. You did. You crushed it. It's useless now. Good job, Peyton. You can't use it anymore. It's too bad, but whatever. Hey, Peyton.
Starting point is 00:39:40 So what's up? Yeah, this place is pretty nice, isn't it? No, man. It's boring. I already know all the kids. I sound like way older than all them they're boring man what are you doing wait what's going on there's a weird energy did i do something no no you're doing great man it's just like here's the thing like you know you know how i'm kind of like the coach of this team uh yeah yeah and like you know they cannot live with yeah yeah you know these guys can't live without they look up to you yeah yeah yeah i just really feel like i feel like you've done such
Starting point is 00:40:16 i excuse my language but a man like you deserves it i start taking off my my wrestling belt i'm like you did such a fucking good job with the paydens i just can't imagine that team losing a coach like you and i hand over the belt i just think honestly as much as we'd want you i think like you have to like lead these kids here uh roll persuasion it's a 19 so you hand it to him and he's like you try to get rid of me i would never and i don't hide i don't hide the tears are coming out of my eyes i would never try to get rid of you payton you are such an important member of our team and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't concerned about how dangerous it's going to be but honestly these kids lost some parents there's a lot of stuff going on here i can't
Starting point is 00:40:57 imagine how this group of people would survive without you he says exhaling I mean I get it like and I can stay that's really what you want I'll stay but like I wanted to go on the road to like fight stuff and like find my dad and like avenge myself on him wait your dad's still alive yeah I, I assume as far as I know, he dropped me off and I was gonna find him. That was like my quest. Did you want to
Starting point is 00:41:28 take out your dad? Or at least give him a piece of your mind? I feel I definitely wanted to beat the shit out of him. I don't know if I wanted to kill him,
Starting point is 00:41:35 but like he left me at the Bullywugs for a drink of the song and that kind of sucks. So like, I can stay here but I'd be like, you know,
Starting point is 00:41:42 giving up on that dream. I'm like looking at Henry with like water. He's like, this is why Carol does the temple of Henry. I'm on team paid inside. I'm like, guys, he has such an important quest. Look at that. Look at these eyes of the tiger.
Starting point is 00:41:56 He's got to find his dad. I'm literally having like a walking dead, like press button L to side with Glenn. Press button R to side with Glenn, press button R to side with fucking... It's hard because Matt, as a player, more than anything, wants Peyton on the adventure. But I really feel like Daryl would say this is the reasonable thing to do. That makes perfect sense.
Starting point is 00:42:16 Peyton, how old are you? I'm old enough. Let me tell you something, Peyton. Yeah. Take a knee. Take a knee, Peyton. He just takes a knee like by instinct i you know i don't have a great relationship with my pops and uh i haven't spoken to him in a minute
Starting point is 00:42:33 and when i was a young man i i was pretty steamed at him for reasons i'm not gonna go into right now but let me tell you that they say that you know a guy who he who drinks shit how does the praise he drinks shit no no no no no no no what kind of hating someone paid in is like drinking poison and wanting the other person to die and i'm not saying you gotta you know let go of what's going on with your dad but let me tell you that just revenge, it's not worth it. It's not a good reason to go on an adventure. If you want closure with your father, you're going to get that someday, but you're going to get it when you're a man and you're not a man yet. You got plenty of childhood left. You got plenty of growing up to do, and you've had to grow up too quick and too hard,
Starting point is 00:43:18 but there's a chance for you here to have a little bit of childhood before you got to grow up and be a man. And I think you should take it. And then when you're a man and you're ready to look at your dad face to face, man to man, then you can get that closure with him. But what he did, it already took so much of your childhood from you. Don't let him take the rest of it too. And when you're ready to do that and we're done with our adventure, we'll be here and we'll, we'll help you. I'd like to add to that. We'll be here and we'll help you. I'd like to add to that. Are you sure?
Starting point is 00:43:45 Yes. Also, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think that you could beat your dad in a fight. I didn't even tell you anything about my dad. I just don't think that you could beat him or really anybody. Oh, no. Ron. Ron. Ron.
Starting point is 00:44:02 Ron. No. But other than that, good luck, kiddo. Henry, roll persuasion. Ron. Ron. Ron. No. But other than that, good luck, kiddo. Henry roll persuasion. Ron roll persuasion with disadvantage. Henry roll persuasion. Ron roll initiative. I'm going to use my inspiration.
Starting point is 00:44:20 Hey, Peyton, you want to play P-Knuckle with Ron there? Oh, shit. I got a nine. I got a two. I think Peyton's playing P-Knuckle with Ron. Okay, here's what it is. You want to say that my childhood's fucked up?
Starting point is 00:44:30 Yeah, I get it. I could stay here and be more of a kid. But you're going to say that I couldn't beat up my dad? How dare you? So you and me, Ron, mano a mano,
Starting point is 00:44:42 P-Knuckle to P-Knuckle. I am going to put this P between my knuckles, and I'm going to punch you in the face as hard as I can. I haven't drunk enough water today. Roll for initiative, you piece of shit. Oh, shit. I can't put P in my... I got a four.
Starting point is 00:45:00 All right. I got a 14. Here comes the boom, baby. Natural one. Oh, no! I got a 14 here comes the boom baby natural one oh no oh no oh no that's very Peyton he puts the P in his between his first two fingers
Starting point is 00:45:15 pulls his fist back to hit you and then brings his fist forward but like he's positioned his head incorrectly and he just punches himself in the back of the head really hard and like knocks himself like fucking flat for like world star hip-hop just like his fucking knees just crumble and he just hits the ground and the p just explodes at his hand and he goes okay i'll stay here all right i fucked up yeah i'll stay here i'm a kid this is like oh it's not paid its best hour I pull out a cold pack from the first day kid,
Starting point is 00:45:46 the minivan. And I started putting it on his head. It's like, Hey buddy, you're going to, you're going to, you're going to take care of these kids. You're going to,
Starting point is 00:45:51 you're going to be their coach. And like I said, we're going to be back. We're going to be back one day once we were, we're done. And, and you know, we'll,
Starting point is 00:45:56 we'll help you with what you need. Oh, that means a lot. He's crying, like in partially because of the, the leaving and mostly because he just punched himself in the back of the head and feels like a fucking idiot. But, like, yeah, I mean,
Starting point is 00:46:08 it would be nice to hang out some more. But, I mean, good luck with the kid and everything. Oh, thanks. And thanks for the wrestling belt. This is fucking boss. Yeah, you want to put it on? Oh, yeah, might as well. He puts it on.
Starting point is 00:46:20 What's your catchphrase, Peyton? My catchphrase is, I've got through the eye of the tiger, and you're going to hear me roar. Let's hear a roar. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Go get them, buddy. I guess it's not appropriate to slap kids in the butt anymore. Anymore?
Starting point is 00:46:42 Anymore. Is this coach? You didn't get slapped on the butt when you played soccer? My dad was my coach. He didn't slap you in the butt anymore. So I anymore anymore coach you didn't get slapped on but when you played soccer in my dad was my coach. Oh, he didn't slap you in the butt.
Starting point is 00:46:49 Oh, no, he wasn't my coach. Never mind. No, nobody slapped me on the butt. Who slapped you on
Starting point is 00:46:53 the butt? Oh my God, you slapped me on the butt. Mage and I want to I want to take a knee with Peyton and we'll put my hand on show
Starting point is 00:47:00 and look him in the eye and go like, hey, hey, Peyton. Yeah, you've been a hell of fighter, man. I didn't see what happened with you and I'm putting my hand on Sean, looking him in the eye and go like, hey, uh, hey, Payton. Yeah. You've been a hell of a fighter, man. I know. I didn't see what happened with you and, uh,
Starting point is 00:47:09 Ron there with that peanut. I didn't see that. Uh, roll deception. 12 plus 6, 18. He goes, oh, whoa, you didn't? And, like, you could see his face, like, visibly bright and like, oh, cool. Cause, yeah, no, it was, uh, it was. What happened there, bud? Oh, Ron just punched me real fast.
Starting point is 00:47:28 Bam. And I sort of hit the ground. And it was about how cool Ron was, not about me doing something stupid, like punching myself in the back of the head. Yeah, that's what happened. So what you're saying, old Ron had to cheat a little bit to beat the eye of the tiger, Peyton, huh? You know what? He did.
Starting point is 00:47:42 He would have never beat me in a straight-on fight. You're right. You're right. You're right. I'm like behind Peyton's head. My hand's just like furiously flailing. You win this time, Peyton. Guess you got the lie of the tiger. He's just salty, Peyton.
Starting point is 00:48:00 He just lost his kid. Next time I see you, we'll make it two out of three. You know what, kiddo? You're on. And then I put my hand on his shoulder. Aww. And he gently grabs your hand and moves it off of his shoulder. Hey, Peyton.
Starting point is 00:48:15 Why don't you find you some parents here, huh? Yeah, I guess so. Hey, Peyton, wait. Hey, Peyton. Hey, Henry wants to do a good... I'm just kidding. Just wanted to get one more look at you. I want to cast about the town for some parents for Peyton.
Starting point is 00:48:34 I want to interview these parents. Oh, I just assumed pain was going to go. I mean, no, to be fair, Daryl, if we're going to abandon Peyton in this weird weird post vampire town we better set him up with some good parents so many other things planned for this episode yeah no there's a bunch of different couples that are childless I like to interview them I'd be like hey I just have a little sign all right let's do it at the
Starting point is 00:48:56 bar let's go to the bar then let's go to the bar you guys are right we can't just leave Peyton we'll do some speed dating for parenthood so the first couple that comes up to you they are a couple of nice looking or many how many kids do you have none none sorry what's your name my name alimony thick fist i was named i was named this by jake jenkinson thank you for your patreon uh support why don't you have any kids yet i had two two kids. Two half children. Half four children with my wife. My first one.
Starting point is 00:49:26 My wife. Little joke. Little joke we have in favorite. No, we got it here too. We love it. It's a good one. It's a classic.
Starting point is 00:49:34 You've seen that movie, right? Oh, Borat. Oh, man. I tell you, that is one funny movie. That is a funny movie. But they die, become a vampire.
Starting point is 00:49:44 Oh. Sorry. Oh, sad. Do you want kids? Oh, desperately. Okay, they win. What do you think is the most important thing about being a parent? Discipline. Interesting.
Starting point is 00:49:52 Well, thank you. We'll give you- Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's two parents here. Palimony. What do you think is the most important thing about being a parent? Also discipline, but in different definition of discipline than what alimony think. Like, alimony think should have beaten kids more to keep them in the house and then they wouldn't come out.
Starting point is 00:50:11 Nathan would like that. And me, alimony think keep them sad, keep them down low mentally. Do you guys like cookies? Oh, cookies? We love cookies. Who doesn't love cookies? Fuck you. All right, we'll put them down as a maybe.
Starting point is 00:50:33 Henry's mouthing like, no. We just got respect. Everybody else coming here, so obviously we're going to hear the other parents, but great to meet you, and I'm sure we're going to talk to you soon. Okay, two more parents come up. They're both also orcs, but they're much shorter.
Starting point is 00:50:45 I'm Eric Bloodaxe, and this is my husband, Lucky Ted. I was named by Barrett Georgeson, and Lucky Ted was named by Chris Miranda. Why do they call you Lucky? Because I met this one. Oh! That's adorable. Was he doing the, that guy was doing the orc voice, huh?
Starting point is 00:50:59 That guy, oh, a palimony and alimony. They are a handful. Do not give them that child. What do you mean by the orc voice it's a thing that they do to try to make people think that we're dumber than we are we orcs there it's it's it's very insulting interesting okay that sounds fraught yeah sounds like that's the thing that daryl's gonna sidestep around we have a word in our world called problematic well how do you feel about kids participating in blood sport oh uh do they want to
Starting point is 00:51:26 extremely so well i would never let my kid get involved in blood sport but my husband lucky ted might disagree with me am i right lucky what what should i what should i say honey and lucky ted goes like no you can answer for yourself because oh thank, oh, thank God. Yeah, no, I would never do that. I would never do that. Do you have any kids right now? Yeah, we have one. Do you want more? Do we, honey? And Lucky Ted goes, yes, we do.
Starting point is 00:51:52 Yes. All right, they win. Lucky Ted, what do you have to say about what's going on? What do you have to say about blood support? I think that blood support is a really good way to harden your heart. It's a really good way to harden your fists. It's a good way to survive out here in the... Sorry. In the Faerun lands.
Starting point is 00:52:12 What was that, Beth? You okay? Harden your dick? It's a good way to harden your dick. Interesting. Interesting. What do the two of you think is the most important quality of parenting? Listening to Lucky Ted, I guess.
Starting point is 00:52:26 And then Lucky Ted says, yeah, I would say probably listening to me. All right. Well, you guys were great. We just respect everybody else. We're going to listen to everybody else. But we'll talk to you soon. Okay. Who's next?
Starting point is 00:52:38 One guy with a top hat. This guy looks legit. I am Bartholomew Brigsby Bluth. What do you do, sir? By the way, I'm Darrell Wilson. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. My, uh, Darrell Wilson.
Starting point is 00:52:50 Uh, uh, uh, uh, not quite a name. Almost a name. It's no Bartholomew Brigsby Bluth. Definitely is not, sir. So what's your profession? Uh, well, first off, I was named by Cody Kowachik, I believe. Uh, and my- I was named by my parents.
Starting point is 00:53:04 Oh, well, how unfortunate for you. My job is I'm the banker of this fine town. Ooh. Oh. How's the finances been since- Ooh, terrible. Terrible, terrible, terrible. A lot of homes going into default.
Starting point is 00:53:17 How are you going to handle that? Are you going to help them kind of through their problems? I'm going to hire some mercenaries to forcibly evict some of the more poor residents and bring in some new blood now that the town is nice and pretty again. Daryl grabs his axe and looks at Henry like, huh, should we fucking kick this guy's ass? Do you have any kids? No. Do you want one?
Starting point is 00:53:36 I want exactly one and no more. All right, he wins. And why? Because if you have a kid, people tend to consider you a lot more sympathetic. They're much more likely to take a loan from you Bartholomew sorry
Starting point is 00:53:50 good try my man hey Barthy I grab him by the collar we're not gonna be the kid and if we come back and you fucked over this town we will kill you roll intimidation
Starting point is 00:53:59 217 noted alright tears begin to fall on his face. Diplomacy, right, guys? Yeah, sure. Sure. Hey, Daryl, I hold a fist for a fist bump.
Starting point is 00:54:12 Nice. Hell yeah. Screw the rich. Next person that comes up is a, you see he's a bullywog, which is a small, like, he's a frog. He looks like Frog from Chrono Trigger. And he goes, hello, my name is Walter the Immoral. The Immoral?
Starting point is 00:54:27 Immoral. And why did Ravi Tashara name you Walter the Immoral? Because life isn't fair. Interesting. What do you mean by that? Because we all make mistakes. What was the mistake you made? I make swords, right?
Starting point is 00:54:38 I made a sword for a guy. The guy went out, the sword broke, the sword end went into his throat and he died. I got blamed. I like murdered him. He was this big hero. And I guy went out. The sword broke. The sword end went into his throat and he died. I got blamed. I like murdered him. He was this big hero. I got kicked out. I got turned into a mullion log. I used to be a guy. Now I'm this. Interesting. What are you doing now?
Starting point is 00:54:54 I'm trying to make a life for myself here as a blacksmith. Blacksmith? He's got a job. Sounds stable. Why do you want a kid? Because when I got turned into a mull bully log, my son didn't want to look at me anymore. He thought I was gross. He found me disgusting
Starting point is 00:55:10 and my wife cast me aside. My heart has found there's been a child shame hole in my heart. I'm like William H. Macy and Magnolia. I have so much love to give, but I have nowhere to put it. It's tough to have a child shame hole in your heart, isn't it? Yeah. What to you is the most important part of being a parent?
Starting point is 00:55:28 Loving them. Loving? What? Loving them. You just gotta love the kid. Sounds pretty good to me. There's been a lot of stuff happening in this world, so I just want to clarify. When you say loving.
Starting point is 00:55:40 I mean, like platonic, like a parent, like with your heart. Like you would die for them. Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah, I feel like I would. Guys, I think we found the winner here. I mean, everybody also have to pay him. Let's check.
Starting point is 00:55:52 Okay. I think he's- Wait, wait, wait. Ron? Yeah, go ahead, Ron. Go ahead. Do you have any kids? Well, yeah, I do.
Starting point is 00:55:59 My son, but he doesn't want to see me anymore. Do you want one more? Yes. Okay, guys. I think we have a winner. You're right, Ron. You should probably call Payne over here. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:56:09 Hey, Payne, you want to meet this bullywog? Why? Is he going to... Hey, Mr. Bullywog, why don't you explain to him what you do? What's your job? I'm a matchless. And what does that involve? Like hitting stuff?
Starting point is 00:56:18 Oh, yeah. You got to hit an anvil really hard with a hammer. Payne's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, who, who? And it's like fiery metal and stuff. There's fire, isn't there? And you make weapons? I make weapons that you use to hit people and Payton's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, my bad.
Starting point is 00:56:33 Don't get me too excited too quickly. Hey Payton, we were thinking that this guy here, he could really use some help making cool weapons and all that stuff and like I think he'd be a really good person to, you know, kind of take care of you in, you know, kind of the parental sense for now while you go and be a good coach for all these kids. And like, I think you'd be a really good person to, you know, kind of take care of you and, you know,
Starting point is 00:56:45 kind of the, the parental sense for now, while you go and be a good coach to all these kids. And you'll learn how to make cool swords and stuff, man. Hey, tell you what, Peyton,
Starting point is 00:56:52 why don't you get good at making a sword? And, uh, when we swing back by around here, you make me a sword. So, uh, Walter,
Starting point is 00:56:57 the amoral says, yeah, I could always use a, uh, a apprentice, somebody to help me out with the bellows. And Peyton's like, you know what?
Starting point is 00:57:03 Yeah. I feel like Peyton, Peyton, the sword Smith, Peyton, the sword maker. That's got like, you know what? Yeah, I feel like Peyton, Peyton the swordsmith, Peyton the sword maker, that's got a, that's kind of a rig to it. I could fuck with that. I could fuck with that. And Walter's like, well, I don't deal with foul language in my blacksmithry.
Starting point is 00:57:18 Peyton's like. Sorry, Walter, we've been kind of loose with him on the old adventure. No discipline. I could just listen to you talk as the blacksmith to Peyton. My least favorite thing we've ever done. No, this is my favorite.
Starting point is 00:57:30 The whole podcast now. It is incredible. I just want to watch the lives of Peyton and this blacksmith. That's all I care about now. When we get 5,000 Patreon subscribers, you'll have a 45-minute episode of just Peyton and Walter the Immortal.
Starting point is 00:57:43 It's just you DMing a game for yourself. It's just me masturbating. Mentally, not literally. And literally. 6,000 Patreons. What do you think, Peyton? You think this one might be someone you could hang out with? I think it's going to be hard
Starting point is 00:57:59 to fill the hole left by you four schmucks. But yeah, I think I could get schmucks. But, uh, but yeah, I think I get, I think I can get down with this. And, uh, and Walter goes,
Starting point is 00:58:09 yeah, that sounds great, man. We can get in, man. And he opens up his arms for a hug. Payton's like, I'm not,
Starting point is 00:58:15 no, not yet. But, uh, yeah, I guess I'll see you guys when I, when I see you. Goodbye,
Starting point is 00:58:20 Payton. See you. Payton, I like axes. Just putting it out there. Axes are generally one of the harder ones. I don't know if it'll be skill-wise, if it'll be there by the time you get mad.
Starting point is 00:58:29 Hey, hey, hey, Walter. This kid, he's got the eye of the tiger. Don't you forget it. Peyton's like, that's right, baby. And Walter goes, all right, let's go back to my, let's walk into the sunset wistfully while they talk about it. I love the idea that they walk outside
Starting point is 00:58:45 and it's like the sun is setting and it's like they start to walk down the sunset, but the blacksmith is just next door. So they walk one door down like, oh, here it is. And it's an open-air blacksmith, so they just sort of sit down. And you're still looking at them. Yep.
Starting point is 00:58:59 And Peyton's like, you guys should probably go. I mean, it's... We should go. Every time Daryl takes a step, he keeps turning around, just keeps looking at Peyton. Okay, Dary turning around just like he was looking all right it's been a long time to see you again you should all hop in the van and go set up camp and take a rest before we start heading out to meadowshade real quick guys i feel like we could get a um free room out of the old barkeep seeing as we saved this village and these cheapskates only gave me 10 gold and i had that amazing comedy set i really killed that's true we could we could go
Starting point is 00:59:30 back and maybe do another comedy guys i don't know if i could say bye to pay them again could we can we just drive a little bit definitely the bar is right next you'd have to walk past it again yeah i think it's time we left this town yes let's set up camp right outside they they i think they're okay to live their lives. You can survive without a hotel room. No one to make an exit. Yeah. Okay. So you're at the you're back at the van. You're about to tuck in for the night and Aaron comes by and sort of knocks on the door and
Starting point is 00:59:53 is like, hey guys. Hey, yeah, we had to be to let one of the more powerful members of our party go. Oh, yeah. A little guy. That's too bad. Yeah. We're just gonna rest him. Oh, we love Peyton. We're just gonna rest up and and then we're going to just rest up. And then I figured we could talk in the morning and start heading over to Meadowshade and figure out. Yeah, we could make like a tree and leave.
Starting point is 01:00:15 I don't understand that. Leave. And I don't accept it. Yeah, no. Yeah, I feel like we should go to Mesha together and then uh we can figure out a plan to deal with your myriad of problems and hours that are shared kind of okay cool you all fall asleep and uh just like having the last time that you long rested uh you find yourself back in the purple realm it seems to happen every time we level up. Normal sleep isn't affected. Every time you
Starting point is 01:00:45 sort of finish a story arc. Guys, are you in the dream? I'm here in the purple realm. Hi, everybody in the dream? We're all in the dream, right? Roll call. Roll call. Dad, roll call. Henry here, present. Daryl, present. Ron, present. Glenn here, and Glenn's doing that thing that he learned from watching
Starting point is 01:01:01 the movie Inception, where he's like, where's my totem? He's looking for his totem. Guys, like I said last time, there's a movie called Friday the 13th. No, it's called Nightmare on Elm Street. And in Nightmare on Elm Street, there's a bad man named Freddy Krueger, and the teens at the end, they get him by, they all grab onto him, and then they wake themselves up. And then Freddy comes to the real world, and that's how they kick his butt.
Starting point is 01:01:25 Because you know that fucking guy is coming, and we should jump on him and try to wake up. That's what I think. I don't want to wake up. Darryl's already primed and ready. He's just like waiting, like football stance. Okay. Stances.
Starting point is 01:01:35 Okay. Three points. Yes. As the purple haze clears from your eyes. Thank you. You're welcome. Freddie. You're welcome for that softball for the rock ad.
Starting point is 01:01:45 You see the man in the purple robe. I charge him. Okay. I charge him too. Go, go, go, get him! I was going to say he's asleep. Like, he's asleep. I tackle him.
Starting point is 01:01:54 Great, okay, cool. Wow, enforcement-like conduct. So roll Strength. Probably not going to be great because I got a four. Yeah, let's just go. Well, he rolled a natural 20. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 01:02:04 You run up and you try to tackle him. And like, without even interrupting your momentum, his hand shoots up at the last second and grabs you by the throat. And then he like rolls and tumbles with you and then stands up and it's just like fucking Darth Vader like choking you in the air.
Starting point is 01:02:17 Wake up, Daryl. Wake up, Daryl. Wake up, Daryl. And then Henry, you come at him. Okay, so Henry seeing Daryl get got is going to try to lucid dream to become 20 times his normal size. And then Henry, you come at him. Okay, so Henry, seeing Daryl get got, is going to try to lucid dream to become 20 times his normal size. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 01:02:31 So what do I roll for that? Oh, boy. Like a wisdom roll? Yeah, I feel like wisdom. Okay, I have a 14. 14, okay. So I guess since this is his realm, he'll oppose. All right, that's not enough. Okay, so you grow to, what, 20 times your size?
Starting point is 01:02:49 20 times my size, that's what I said. Henry's not entirely in control of his conscious thoughts right now because he's in a dream, so yes, Henry gets real big. Okay, so you get so big, you just feel the fucking thing. 120 feet tall. Yeah, all right, so you get fucking massive, and the man in the purple robe sort of looks up at you and goes like, oh, that's very cute. And then he looks, he sort of of looks up at you and goes like, Oh, that's very cute.
Starting point is 01:03:06 And then he looks, he sort of turns, he cocks his head a little bit and he goes, I think it's time, boys. And you hear this thunder strike. No, that's not how thunder works. Whatever. You hear thunder. You hear ominous bullshit. And then from the sort of nebulous fog around you,
Starting point is 01:03:26 you see another figure in a purple robe that is much smaller and more squat, sort of more rotund, a little bit lower to the ground. Say what now? And then you see another one come up who's much taller and skinnier. Basically the Mulan sidekick sort of like shapes. Yeah, one of them goes,
Starting point is 01:03:42 this guy's got me scared to death. I go, hey, I'm big, so you all gotta do what I say. The rotund guy that you cannot see cracks his knuckles and he goes, it's gonna be fun. What? And he lowers his fucking shoulder
Starting point is 01:03:55 and then just runs into your ankle as hard as he can. And go ahead and just roll strength. I rolled a two. So despite your size. And you're very powerful two roll. The little guy nails you in the side of your foot, and it doesn't make any sense to your body
Starting point is 01:04:12 because it feels like an ant just hit you with the power of a freight train, and you just fucking collapse slowly. It's basically your standard stepping on a Lego feel. Yeah, exactly. This time the Lego stepped on you. No! Basically, as. This time the Lego stepped on you. No! Basically, as you fall to the ground,
Starting point is 01:04:28 the lead guy, the first one that is choking Daryl, sort of just tosses you to the ground. He goes, I'm so sorry. I should have introduced my friends. I'm out. It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright. It'll be alright, cause that's just life. All you do is try, and it'll be alright. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Burch as our DM, Will Campos as Henry Oak,
Starting point is 01:05:19 Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is Alright by Max and Waller. Special thanks this week to Jake Jenkinson, Barrett Georgeson, Chris Miranda, Cody Kiwacek, and Ravi Taishara,
Starting point is 01:05:32 who contributed names we used in this episode. Also big ups this week to Chideta, Bethany Eshnoir, Guy Foti, Spica, and Sean Morrell for materially supporting this podcast on Patreon. It wasn't, what's that?
Starting point is 01:05:44 You want a shot at that elusive podcast fame, then head on over to our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads, where every tier unlocks the ability to submit names, items, and locations to us for potential inclusion in the future episode. Our latest stretch goal at a thousand followers is we're going to be doing a mini series, 100% Canon prequel arc that Anthony has been quietly prepping for about the
Starting point is 01:06:04 dad's granddad set in the 1940s and played on the Call of Cthulhu system and that we're calling in the mountains of dadness. So get on that ground floor and support the podcast on Patreon to hear when that drops. That website again, patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. You don't like that website? You want some other websites? What about twitter.com where we are dungeons and dads? Oh, you too long for you what about a url shortener bit.ly slash dungeon dads for that private facebook group don't have to remember all facebook's weird url shit you can just remember bit.ly slash dungeon dads
Starting point is 01:06:34 oh what about subreddits r slash dungeons and daddies that's one of my favorite subreddits i'm on there all the time reading all of your theories and looking at all your good fan art thank you so much to everybody for listening. Thank you out there. Even if you're not one of our elite Patreon supporters, who I objectively love a little bit more, you are someone who hung out for the end credits. And you know what? That's worth something.
Starting point is 01:06:54 Dang it. We're going to be still doing episodes of this. Yeah, we're not done. The podcast will continue in two weeks, September 3rd. Set your calendars, set your Google alerts, program your Casio watches. I'll see you then. There was a time when you could read between the lines
Starting point is 01:07:11 You know they never brought you down Never brought you down What was your favorite Capri Sun flavor, by the way? I don't know what their names were. That's what everyone was giving to me. All right. They all taste the fucking same. They all taste the same.
Starting point is 01:07:29 Do you guys freeze them? Yeah. That's how I broke my family's microwave when I was seven doing that. Because they're metal. Yeah. It's aluminum. Holy shit. Wait, you tried to microwave a Capri Sun?
Starting point is 01:07:41 Yeah, it was frozen. No, because I like it hot. Capri Sun. it well you tried the microwave a capri sun yeah it was frozen no because i like it hot i like it like yes i like it like breakfast tea just hot capri sun

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