Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 16 - A Tournament for Knights

Episode Date: September 3, 2019

The dads hit the road en route to the tournament for knights in Meadowshade. Darryl dreams about football, Henry gathers more knowledge, Glenn spins out of control, and turns out Ron's more famous tha...n he thought.This episode contains profanity, violence, and sexual content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. without you pay then and we'll tell you all about it when we see you again we drove a long way in our minivan and we'll help you find your father
Starting point is 00:00:38 once we've saved our children once we've saved our children darn time flew tiger a fey rune so much to teach you how to tie a half windsor how to use wood glue running football drills and how to light a grill and pay your bills but now we've found you another home where you'll make cool swords and never be alone. And I know one day our paths will cross again. Because you're a son to me, my dear Payton. I got a sentimental heart and it's breaking in two.
Starting point is 00:01:11 Like a geode, because I know this is what we gotta do. But no, Alkaline, our intentions are true. You're the Schist, Payton Bennett, so of course we love you. Will our paths meet again? Yo, they stalagmite. But if that day never comes, keep it stalactite. Stalactite. Ooh. How could you not talk about combat when combat's all that we've got?
Starting point is 00:01:33 Grew up in the octagon with all the punches he caught. Now we gotta leave you with the brony walk. It's been a long day without you painted. And we'll tell you all about it when we see you again. Yeah, when I see you again. We drove a long way in our minivan. Using that cruise control. And we'll help you find your father once we've saved our children.
Starting point is 00:02:02 Once we've saved our children. Don't make me pull this over. The other dads are crying. They think it's harsh that I'm not. I'm bad with faces, but your name's something I haven't forgotten. Either it's Payson or Patton, Percy, and your arms are pythons. Kid, you can't really protect us, so it's time we move on. And I'd wish you luck in battle, but we know that you lose.
Starting point is 00:02:23 So I guess it all seems right that we would guess it all seems like we would lose you too welcome to dungeons and daddies not a bdsm podcast sometimes a bdsm podcast and sometimes a dnd podcast uh about four dads from our world flung into the forgotten realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons morning edition do do do do do that's right we normally record at night and we're bringing that hardcore sunday morning 8 30 a.m energy into this my name is freddie wong i play glenn close the bard of the group and also a rock and roll cover band dad. And this week's dad fact for Glenn is this. Glenn's favorite Star Wars movie is number two, Attack of the Clones, baby. Of course he likes the literal worst one. What's his favorite thing about it?
Starting point is 00:03:35 His favorite thing is the clones. That's Yoda versus Dooku. That's the one where C-3PO's head is next to his body and then R2-D2 grabs it and C-3PO says... Such a drag. Glenn's slow clap during the Yoda fight. I would have thought that Glenn would be a Return of the Jedi special edition man,
Starting point is 00:03:52 but with the size noodles and the Max Rebo bands and single Jedi rocks. Did you know that canonically, those bands play a form of music in Star Wars called jizz? No, that's the band in the Mos Eisigantina, you fucking fake fan. I'm not like other
Starting point is 00:04:09 Star Wars fans. I like jizz. Alright, 8.30 in the morning. That's the most I've heard that word that early in the morning. You need to get out more. Alright. Then I'm going to start calling you at 4.30.
Starting point is 00:04:28 Matt, who is that? Don't worry, it's just Anthony calling again. It's Jizz Likely. Oh, man. I'm likely to jizz. No. Anthony, when do we meet Jizz Likely in the adventure? When I get sick of your shit.
Starting point is 00:04:42 It'll be a punishment for bad role playing oh all right i'm already regretting my dad fact after all this all right my name's uh matt arnold i'm daryl wilson a stay-at-home uh coach dad who's now a barbarian uh fun fact starting with a mad fact which is it's 8 30 in the morning for everybody here it's feels more like 4 p.m for me because i've been up since 2 a.m. because my baby didn't sleep. Oh, no. So I don't remember what my dad fact actually was. So here's a real one. We get it, you're a dad. Which is going to be a little Daryl fact. Daryl's favorite thing about being a father when Grant was born was when they're asleep and they wake up, the kids
Starting point is 00:05:19 have this moment where they're like, they don't really understand what the world is and their eyes are wide and glazed over and they're looking all around and they don't really know where they are and then they lock eyes with you and they have a big smile when they realize you're you're there and that's uh that's daryl's favorite thing about being a dad and matt's favorite thing so it's the knowledge that you matter yes it's mainly about you it's mostly about me it's mostly about me that and baby farts those are his second favorite thing uh hey what's up i'm will campos i play henry oak the birkenstock rock and granola crunching hippie nature druid dad of the squad that's what we call our dads the squad squad whenever you hear news about the squad on twitter
Starting point is 00:05:57 that's people talking about it definitely feels like you're taking it back from the women of color that's right they've co-opted squad enough is anybody else really annoyed at how awake and chipper will is right now i i feel power coursing through my veins i'm very excited you guys are just mad because i've got energy and you guys fucking all dying over here uh henry's dad fact this week is that henry was born on May 23rd, which makes him a Gemini. Have you ever been so busy you wished you could clone yourself just to get everything done? That's the Gemini
Starting point is 00:06:32 experience in a nutshell. Appropriately symbolized by the celestial twins just like Lark and Sparrow. This air sign was interested in so many pursuits that it had to double itself. Read your science full profile here next month. Next read this month's Gemini horoscope predictions.
Starting point is 00:06:48 Anyway, Henry's a Gemini. Alright. Hey, what's up? I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stamplers. Fun fact about Beth is that I'm sick, so my Ron voice is my real live voice and everybody's like,
Starting point is 00:07:03 oh, you play Ron Stampler on Dungeons and Daddies. And I'm like, I'm lying because nobody recognizes me in real life. Okay, cool. So it's 8.30 a.m. 8.30. Fun fact about Ron this week is that he is allergic to pollen. Oh, poor Ron. That's it.
Starting point is 00:07:25 Sniffly boy. B-O-I, spelled like that. He was a sniffly boy. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master. Today's daddy fact is you should watch Fleabag. I'm sure nobody in your life has been telling you to watch Fleabag. I'm the first person you've ever heard saying that Fleabag is very good.
Starting point is 00:07:43 But you should watch it. Also, I don't know person you've ever heard saying that Fleabag is very good, but you should watch it. Also, I don't know if you noticed, Will, but somebody on Facebook was like, I fucking bet you that Henry's second
Starting point is 00:07:51 favorite TV show is The Sunset. I commented on that. Oh, did you? I was very happy about that. That's fucking great. That's good shit.
Starting point is 00:08:02 So, when we last left you, you had found out that there is not one man in a purple robe, but there are three man's in purple robes, and they sort of were squaring off against you. What do you do? Do you want to try to wake up? Do you want to try to talk to them? We're still in the dream. We're engaged in dreamscape battle, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:19 Wake up, Daryl. Everybody wake up. Everybody just wake up. Glenn is buck-fucking-naked and just helicopter-dicking in the corner like, whoa. Oh, wake up. Glenn is buck fucking naked and just helicopter digging in the corner. Whoa. What? Ron has a wicked calf cramp from not eating bananas in the daytime. I love that as the older you get,
Starting point is 00:08:37 the more mundane your dreams get, too. He's just like, oh, yeah. Oh, no. I got cramp. Henry's still 400 feet tall, but his teeth are falling out. So, yeah, that's what's oh, yeah. Oh, no. I got cramp. Henry's still 400 feet tall, but his teeth are falling out. Oh, man. So, yeah, that's what's happening, Anthony. We got leg cramp. Freddy's naked.
Starting point is 00:08:51 I'm rolling around screaming, wake up. And Willow's over there with teeth falling out. I spit out some teeth and I say, what do you gentlemen want? Who are you? So the tall one temples his fingers because that's the thing thing that super villains do if they're tall and skinny oh they could do that or they can do the gendo move from evangelion where he adjusts his glasses with his middle finger with his hand in front of his face there's like a little shine that like goes across no joke i was like you won't be amazing is to take that like reflective film and have like a version of glasses that you can wear to like conventions
Starting point is 00:09:20 it's like a button on the bridge that'll make make it like glare, like in an anime fashion. Anyway, I feel like I would unironically buy that. That's my Kickstarter idea. Hello sharks. Today, I'm here to present the anime shades. The anime shades.
Starting point is 00:09:32 Oh, weird. Shark Tank got canceled because one idea was so bad. Mr. Wonderful, I know you're a Naruto Shippuden fan. The, the,
Starting point is 00:09:43 the tall one says, all I need you to do is save your children. Do exactly what you've been doing. So why, why did you call this meeting? I didn't. You came here. It could have been an email. We, what?
Starting point is 00:09:54 We go to sleep and then we wake up here and then you guys are like, hello. And being all mysterious. So what, what is this? Where are we? The one who choked out, uh, Daryl goes like, I was asleep. You rambushed me. I don't know why the fuck you think that. You're not the most important thing in my world.
Starting point is 00:10:10 Of course we ambushed you. You kidnapped our sons. And we've been asleep. We've slept multiple times and not shown up here. Yeah, hold the phone. Like, you definitely, like, we went to sleep the first time. And you were like, hey, assholes, it's me, the purple guy. Hey, no, you tell us how not to get here when we sleep and we won't do it anymore.
Starting point is 00:10:26 Yeah, I was having a cool sex dream. It's clearly. All three of them look at Glenn and like, no, you weren't. I wasn't. No, I mean, if you don't want to see us anymore, that's fucking fine by me. You guys, you're terrible. Why do you want us to save our kids? Because we need to save your kids.
Starting point is 00:10:44 We can't save your kids unless you save your kids. Why do you need to save our kids? Because we need to save your kids. We can't save your kids unless you save your kids. Why do you need to save our kids? Because they clearly need better fathers. According to who? According to this guy. All three of them point at themselves simultaneously with a hooked thumb. Wait, which guy? Again, this guy.
Starting point is 00:11:00 They just point at themselves with the other thumb. Now it's three men in purple robes pointing at themselves with both thumbs. To you, what does saving our kids look like them not being your sons anymore so why don't you just go save them i don't quite get your game here sir i'm just trying to think about how much of the game they should give up no they don't feel like you deserve an answer how about go fuck yourself how about how about just fuck you what are you gonna do not go save your kids that's a good dad talk you talk. You guys sound like you'd be better fathers than us. That's for sure.
Starting point is 00:11:27 Young man, I'm going to save your kids. So who are you? You want to see how good fathers we are? Do you want to see? The medium-sized one, the fucking one with the perfect-sized bed and the porridge, waves his hand. This purple-robed man is just right. He waves his hand, and you see all of the kids
Starting point is 00:11:45 who have thus far been taken away by the purple road man and you see Terry Jr. just sort of sitting by himself just sort of like
Starting point is 00:11:52 looking into the middle distance like just looking kind of introspective in a way that you've maybe never seen him before. Look, look at Terry Jr.
Starting point is 00:12:00 For the first time he has been free to think his own thoughts and not be completely overwhelmed by all the pressure you've been putting on him as his shitty stepdad. Yeah, we did that, asshole. He's there because we did that. Yeah, there's a list.
Starting point is 00:12:12 Let me get through the list of all the kids and explain how they're better off. And then you can make your fucking complaints. Daryl, Daryl, it's okay. This is a cut scene. Yeah, this is. He thinks his own thoughts. I mean, I wouldn't call myself a beep. I can't say it.
Starting point is 00:12:24 But he calls me words that I would never call myself a beep. I can't say it, but he calls me words that I would never call myself. Yeah. No, he doesn't say those things anymore because he's content. Look at that punim. He gestures at that punim. It's Yiddish for face. And then he points at Lark and Sparrow, and Lark and Sparrow are just sitting quietly with their hands in their laps. Lark, Sparrow, my beautiful boys!
Starting point is 00:12:41 He goes, look at that. I told them to sit there quietly until I got back. And you know what they're doing? They're sitting quietly. They listen to me. I'm like you. You son of a bitch. Yeah, that's right. How dare you chain their spirits to the ground?
Starting point is 00:12:53 You monster! I set boundaries, bitch. And then he points at Nicholas close. And Nicholas is like reading a book. You know what he's not doing? He's not snorting druggie flowers. He's not running around getting into bar fights. He's fucking sitting there and reading. Because I gave him a good book. You know what he's not doing? He's not snorting druggie flowers. He's not running around getting into bar fights. He's fucking sitting there and reading.
Starting point is 00:13:07 I gave him a good book. I do feel like this guy is a good influence on Nick there. What's he... Book? Glenn's familiar with books. He checks out a lot of books on conspiracy theories from the library. The real library. What kind of book is it? It's the Red Badge
Starting point is 00:13:22 of Courage. Is that about like... A goodage. Is that about like... It's a good book. Is that about like aliens? No, it's about the cost of war and the honor and dignity of war. It's a classic. The honor and dignity of war
Starting point is 00:13:35 sounds like propaganda to me. Sounds like right-wing propaganda to me. All three of them are just like start shaking their head. They're like, oh, liberal bias. Not to call it, because I know Anthony knows what The Red Badge of Courage is.
Starting point is 00:13:45 Clearly the character does. It's actually more about like the disaster of war because it's about a guy who fights the Civil War. I've never read it, to be fair. But if you're dumb, you might think it's about
Starting point is 00:13:53 the dignity of war. Yeah, that's true. As a kid, I was like, war's rad. If you're in seventh grade in a war, you might think it's awesome. It's the fight club of books about the Civil War. Son, based off of your
Starting point is 00:14:02 pretty basic reading of that book, I'm assuming, guys, I don't think these people are adults. I think they're children. You think they're kids? I think they're kids. Can I ask you something? Yeah, go right ahead. So we've been getting the kids, and then you take them away.
Starting point is 00:14:16 So who are you? Clearly the better fathers. That's not an answer to the question. That's like a what are you? Are you kids? I'm asking, like, what's your name? No, we're not kids. Are you from our world? Why don't you stop asking stupid questions what's your tax rate
Starting point is 00:14:27 you're fucking they're in hoods on right yeah i go to pull one of their hoods okay uh go ahead and roll dexterity they got a 10 all right they got a 15 and he just uh which one are you going for his hand is about feels like it would be a disadvantage on dexterity actually yes it was very slowly moves toward him like fucking ant-Man after he's gotten massive. And the guy just goes, it just slaps your hand away with, again, the force of somebody who seems way stronger. He's like, this is our realm. You think I can't see this shit coming? Oh, so it is your realm.
Starting point is 00:14:57 Yeah. So what do you mean? What was this like? You invaded every time you fucking go to sleep and show up here. We don't want you around here. I don't fucking like you. If I did, I would be around you more. Then why do you talk to us?
Starting point is 00:15:08 If you're so cool. Why don't you wake up? Why don't you talk to us? Let's make fun of him. Ron's had a nerve. Wait, you were making fun of me. No, I'm making fun of them. I was doing what you're doing.
Starting point is 00:15:18 Henry, I can't believe you're making fun of me. I'm so sorry, Ron. No, I was trying to make fun of them. If you can't even be friends, how can you be fathers? You have none of the understanding of how to treat a kid. I thought a lot of dads don't have friends. That's real dark. That's real sad.
Starting point is 00:15:33 Hey, Terry. Terry, can you hear me? They can't hear you. That's I've shown you a vision of them. They're safe from your influence. How do we know those are real visions? You should put them in front of a newspaper or something. Glenn pounds his fist on a table that appears in front of him we need proof of life damn it my boys would never sit still and
Starting point is 00:15:51 respect the authority of an adult this is bullshit so the squat one speaks into his wrist he goes hey uh nick go get the we're coming for you we love you and you see nick like perk up and look up and he goes oh hey hey guys yeah can you go get the newspaper, today's newspaper from the front door? I think I left it there before. Yeah, thanks. Grab the sports section while you're at it. You see Nick get up and leave, and then he comes back, and he holds up the Faerun newspaper. And it's got a picture of the three guys in purple robes.
Starting point is 00:16:20 And it just says, the purple robes, still cool. And it's got a date that means nothing to you because it's not earth date but he goes like that's now it's trust me you could ask them something only they would know and i can if that's what i just see oh yeah i want to do that yeah go ahead okay can you put me in with my my two boys larkin sparrow yeah he puts his hand up so you can speak into his wrist microphone lark sparrow what the fuck's going on where are you guys that wasn't that's that's rude i gave you a chance. And he covers up his hand. And Larkin Sparrow got like, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad. Terry, Terry.
Starting point is 00:16:58 Well, I'm not going to let you. You don't have phone privileges anymore. He didn't ask a question at all. Come on, give me phone privileges. All right, you get one. Okay. I don't know why privileges anymore. He didn't ask a question at all. Come on. Give me phone privileges. All right. You get one. Okay. I don't know why I'm being so nice.
Starting point is 00:17:09 I'm happy that you are being so nice. And after this, you know, we could share dreams all the time if you want. I don't want that. Okay. Anyway. The tall one is like, none of us want that. I cannot think of anything I would want less than that for you, Ron Stampler. Oh, you know my name.
Starting point is 00:17:25 Of course I do. Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of vibration do you think this is? I'm more famous than I thought I was. Hi, Terry. I was wondering if you have seen my mug with the golf club on it as the handle. So I lost it recently. I was wondering if maybe you threw it away or it broke
Starting point is 00:17:49 or maybe it's just hiding in one of the other cabinets. Terry Jr. just sort of looks up and goes, no, I haven't seen it. Okay. Well, see you soon, kiddo. Maybe. See you later. I try to subtly signal to Glenn.
Starting point is 00:18:04 Okay. I want to try to flank the shortest one i'm like giving you a signal to both of us run at him to try to take the hood off i wink at daryl convincingly in this dream realm and i would like to use my powers of astral projection and lucid dreaming to do like a distraction behind the short guy so that he'll like look away. I want to charge him. Okay, well, you roll wisdom for your astral projection stuff and then describe what the distraction is. Glenn Close pulls a plus zero, huh? Yeah, I guess that's not a wise guy. That's a five. All right. So what was the distraction you tried to make? By the way, it has to be more distracting than you pinwheeling your
Starting point is 00:18:44 dick. It was just going to be a lot. It was it has to be more distracting than you pinwheeling your dick. It was just going to be like as if a giant drive-in movie theater screen showed up, and it was just a close-up of me pinwheeling my dick. So that just starts projecting behind them, and you're going to rush them? Yeah, I rushed the shortest one. So go ahead and do a dick stare with disadvantage because the distraction did not work. They just continue to stare forward at the pinwheeling dick that's in front of them. Dang, I should have changed it up.
Starting point is 00:19:09 I got a four. You come at them and he just, again, the short one just backends you and you just like fly back 30 feet. Like you got hit by a fucking battering ram. It goes like, again, this is our shit. I don't know why you guys keep trying to do. I'm flying through the air. Can I use my lucid dreaming
Starting point is 00:19:23 to turn into a football for a second? Sure, go ahead. I turn into a football and I have like a perfect spiral. And then I, when I hit the ground, I pop back up as a do. I'm flying through the air. Can I use my lucid dreaming to turn into a football for a second? Sure, go ahead. I turn into a football and I have like a perfect spiral and then when I hit the ground I pop back up as a person and I go, touchdown. So all three of them
Starting point is 00:19:34 in purple like start massaging their fucking temples and they're like, that is the most depressing thing I've ever seen. If nothing else illustrates the need for us over you as fathers,
Starting point is 00:19:44 it's that moment right there. Thank you so much for that perfect metaphor. Hey, could I try on the rope? No. Good try, Ron. I go to the next person. Hey, could I try on your rope? No.
Starting point is 00:19:57 I go to the last person. Hey, that robe looked great on you. Oh, shit, do you want to try it on? Yeah, I'd love to. All right, cool. No, I'm not going to let you try to go fuck yourself. Guys, I'm sick and tired of shit, do you want to try it on? Yeah, I'd love to. All right, cool. No, I'm not going to let you try to go fuck yourself. Guys, I'm sick and tired of this shit. You want to just wait?
Starting point is 00:20:10 Just get out of here. This shit sucks. I hate these guys. I think we're all sick of this. Go save your fucking kid. Before we go, I want to kick one in the nuts as hard as I can and be like, this is for me.
Starting point is 00:20:18 All right, go ahead and roll dexterity with disadvantage. 11. So they rolled a natural 20. So I kick my own nuts? own yeah so your foot your foot comes up even in the dream and then like hits it and somehow the momentum stays but the back you're like heel just goes and like hits you in the dick uh just right right in the balls which at this point is a very familiar feeling to you given the way that your nunchuck have worked in the past the force of your own feet hitting your balls wakes you up. You come back into consciousness with a violent shock.
Starting point is 00:20:47 The middle guy says, when you go to Meadowshade, you're going to probably need some extra shit to help you get Grant out. So if you want to go by Bullywugs, I think they have some equipment you could get from them. Hey, if you really want to help us get Grant, you could help us find a way for us to not eat his skin when we find him. Oh, that's on you, my man. I'm not getting involved in a blood pact with you. Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb idiot this does actually hurt daryl for
Starting point is 00:21:11 some reason he's generally upset by that insult this has been a true waste of time thank you so much uh wake the fuck up and they all clap and you wake up back in the van uh and aaron o'neill is just sort of sitting on the hood of your van being like, what's up? Is it the morning? Yeah, it's morning. You're all rested. You're relaxed. You're completely healed up.
Starting point is 00:21:31 You leveled up last time, so you're good on that. You have all your small slots back. That was a really cool dream. I kicked one of those bad guys in the nuts real hard. You guys saw that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Glenn, a quick favor.
Starting point is 00:21:44 If we're going to be in that dream world pretty often, can you put clothes on in the dream? Listen, man, I can't control my subconscious. And subconscious, I'm a free spirit, baby. All right. I have a couple of theories, guys. Ooh, lay them on me. I love theories.
Starting point is 00:21:56 What? It seems to me that these purple guys can't interact with this world. Otherwise, they could just go get the kids themselves, right? They need us to do it. And it's only upon us getting the kid for some reason that they can steal them. So it seems like that was their realm, right? Like they hang out in that realm.
Starting point is 00:22:13 And we know that when we go to sleep, we cross over to that realm. So what if we always have one member of the team asleep so that they can't leave? Do you know what I'm saying? Interesting, Henry. They can't leave the realm if one of us is there they show up when the kids get taken they like kind of possess them or whatever maybe while that's going on we just try and fall asleep really quick is there aaron aaron let's let's tell aaron all this maybe she can help is there like such a
Starting point is 00:22:42 thing as like a sleep potion that can put you to sleep real quick? Oh, for sure. I mean, there's sleep spells and I can make potions that do sleep out easily. Hey, Erin, just to give you the context and then we like do like a fade where we've explained everything that's happened to her. And she goes, wow, what a story.
Starting point is 00:22:55 And then Henry keeps talking. Or alternate suggestion, we just don't go after Grant at all because if we don't have him, they can't take him. I mean, yeah, as long as Grant is safe right now, I'm definitely OK with not finding Grant until we figure out how not to eat his skin and get that, you know, deck of cards or whatever. All right, great. Let's go home. No. Well, I mean, we don't know how to go home either. Do we know that Grant is safe, though?
Starting point is 00:23:20 No, we don't. That's why we need to go to Meadowshade. Yeah, I mean, Aaron says like, yeah, as far as I know, like like the big contest that's going there like it's i'm remembering now it's not it didn't happen at night it's four nights it's it's for nights you say yeah gentlemen i've never revealed this about myself but i happen to have done some training for a little thing back on earth called medieval times so if there's anyone who knows anything times about being an i just i know lots of facts what color were you training for i will you know i would be happy to take any color and of course you know of course but my favorite was the green night you know because oh the green that's the best green yeah um but so like oh green god i know I know tons of knight facts.
Starting point is 00:24:06 I know tons of stuff about being a knight. I know all about the chivalric code. So you've taken horseback riding lessons and jousting? They haven't let me on the horse yet. I have to go... I've been trying to get out to... There's a little stable by us. And I've been kind of...
Starting point is 00:24:18 You know how they let you walk around in the circle? I can almost do that without falling off the horse. So I'm pretty confident, though, about being able to manifest a knightly... I'm very excited about this. That's all good. Sounds like we got our into whatever's going on over there. Yeah, well, that'll definitely be useful. Henry, when we get there and then so Aaron, any ideas about this dream world? So they seem surprised that you were there. They're like, they weren't summoning you. Yeah. So apparently they have some sort of connection to you,
Starting point is 00:24:45 which would also explain why they need you to be near the kids in order to take them, basically. So it seems like there's some sort of arcanic, psychic, whatever the hell, magical, I don't know. I don't really have a specific language for this. Garden witches, we just kind of wing it. But it seems like you guys are connected in some way, and maybe they're connected to your kids as well.
Starting point is 00:25:06 I don't know. Henry, you want to try to go to sleep right now? Oh, yeah, sure. Let's just watch Henry sleep and let's just see. Maybe Henry just goes to sleep and see if he can hit them up again. Okay, I am a morning person,
Starting point is 00:25:16 so I'm a little worried about being able to get back to sleep. Erin, she says, I can just give you a thing if you want to just go to sleep. Oh, sure, yeah. Do you have a potion of some sort? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:25 She just punches you in the head as hard as she can. Down I go. But it tingles a little bit when she hits you. It doesn't actually do any damage. And then you fall asleep. And once again, you're back in the purple round. Oh, shit. And all three guys, all three of the guys are like, again with this?
Starting point is 00:25:41 But just you? I thought you were a morning person. Interesting. All right, I'm going to look around. I cast perception. Not cast. I roll for perception. What do I see?
Starting point is 00:25:51 You're going to roll with disadvantage because this is all foggy and shit. It's a natural one. Ooh, okay. So you see less than before. The window that they had that showed you where your kids were, that's disappeared. So all you see is the three guys now. Okay, I start walking randomly around. Don't mind me, boys.
Starting point is 00:26:08 Just having a look around the place. Don't do that. You're going to like stamp into stuff. Isn't this interesting? You feel yourself stumble across like a rock. Oh. And then you walk a little bit more and you feel yourself come up against a wall. I want to look at the rock.
Starting point is 00:26:20 Okay. He's a geologist. Come on, Anthony. Dream rocks. A new form of rock. My God. Because of the sound and the feel of it, you can tell it's a rock. But Come on, Anthony. You just gotta look down and see, but you can't. Dream rocks. A new form of rock. My God. Because of the sound and the feel of it, you can tell it's a rock,
Starting point is 00:26:27 but when you look down, you just see purple. It's like your sense of sight has been inhibited here. It's like the hit movie Tomorrowland. So you're in one world... You're in one world and... You are gonna have to explain
Starting point is 00:26:39 to literally everyone. Yeah, I don't know. When she presses the pin, she can see Tomorrowland, but she's still in our world, so it's like having VR goggles on. So you're like, like this purple world is...
Starting point is 00:26:48 But I'm asleep in my world. I know, but this purple world is hiding, like you're still walking around a real world, but you can't see anything because you're like seeing their purple world.
Starting point is 00:26:56 So like, you're like... That's very interesting. Henry hears none of that. Oh, yeah. Henry... Henry! It's like Tomorrowland! Point of order,
Starting point is 00:27:04 Daryl doesn't know what's going on. Daryl didn't go to sleep. What do we see? I don't know if D It's like Tomorrowland. Point of order. Daryl doesn't know what's going on. Daryl didn't go to sleep. What do we see? I don't know if Daryl saw Tomorrowland. I don't know. That's a very Daryl kind of movie. I look at Henry. I'm like, you guys think he's okay?
Starting point is 00:27:15 Is he just sleeping? Yeah. As far as you can tell, he's just sleeping. Okay. Interesting. I go, there's an illusion of a rock here. What manner of place is this? It's a place of the rock, you fucking idiot.
Starting point is 00:27:25 What are you? Just wait. Just wait the fuck up. How interesting that I can walk around your realm whenever I want by going to sleep. Now, if you guys want me to leave, maybe you could tell me some more cool facts about your realm. And he goes, or I could just do this. And he snaps his fingers and you wake back up. They can kick us out, guys.
Starting point is 00:27:44 There's a rock there, though. Henry, what did you dream about? I dreamt about the purple robed men in their purple lands, and I tripped on a rock, but then I couldn't find the rock. Oh, I heard that means that your kids are missing. I don't know much about dream interpretation, but I read that that's what that means, is that your kids are missing in a foreign realm. think that and like a general anxiety about getting older which is you know i
Starting point is 00:28:09 also have but yeah that's a pretty accurate dream i guess so so you were walking around you hit a rock but you couldn't see the rock but it was like you were in a world but you couldn't see the world yeah kind of it's a lot like this movie tomorrowland have you guys seen that no i missed it's not quite what i thought it was gonna be uh you know i mean you know i love disneyland hence you know my little stint on dill so disneyland and i was hoping that would be a lot like a tomorrowland but it wasn't really not bad though the movie the movie the movie wasn't too bad yeah it was all right anyways it sounds a lot like tomorrowland all right well we know that at least least one intro coming up has to be Daryl's movie reviews.
Starting point is 00:28:46 Ron does movie reviews already. I do Ron's real reviews. I forgot. Yeah, and the fucking Daddy Issues is very good. For those of you wondering, Daddy Issues is a little PDF zine that the dads themselves write. That's on our Patreon. It's all canon. It's all in-world.
Starting point is 00:28:59 Hang around or at the end of the episodes, we'll talk about the Patreon more. Anyway, sorry. This episode brought to you by Patreon. Please subscribe. This episode brought to you by Patreon. Please subscribe. This episode brought to you by Dungeons and Daddies. Yeah, if you don't like Dungeons and Daddies,
Starting point is 00:29:08 then there's a whole host of people on our Patreon that you can blame for the fact that we continue to do this because they financially support us. If you want more episodes of us going to sleep
Starting point is 00:29:15 and talking to three people and then going to sleep again, go ahead and go to Patreon. Your punishment for getting to listen to an episode where they finally did a dungeon is you get to listen to an episode where they try to find a dad for a kid and then an episode where they finally did a dungeon is you get to listen to an episode
Starting point is 00:29:25 where they try to find a dad for a kid and then an episode where they keep failing to fall asleep. If you don't enjoy Dungeons and Daddies, try out our sister podcast, Dungeons and Daddies. Let's go to Metal Shade, I guess. Yeah. All right, I think we should go check out this knight thing.
Starting point is 00:29:40 It sounds like the purple robed men who I do not trust for the record, but they seem to have a hot lead for us there vis-a-vis rescuing Grant. Everybody eat up. Everybody went to the bathroom because once we start this thing, we're not stopping. I went when I was asleep. Good. I wasn't going to say anything, but then you asked.
Starting point is 00:29:58 Oh, do you need to clean up? No, I'll just take off these pants. Okay. Okay. Do you want some clean pants? No, I've got plenty. How are you? Are you taking off the outermost layer of pants?
Starting point is 00:30:09 Because that ain't going to help. No, I'm just like sort of cutting a hole into the center of the earth. Like another movie that's futuristic called The Core starring Hilary Swank. Oh, that's a great movie. But yeah, I'll take off the outermost layer only and then just be in the wet pants. Multiple pants. Okay. Not to embarrass you, Ron, but I would like to make sure that you change your pants before you get into our van.
Starting point is 00:30:29 Since you did go in the bathroom in your pants. That was so deep in the pants, though. I've got at least five pairs of pants over that. So the other pants have reabsorbed it. You're completely dry. Let me put it this way. I'm covered, bub. All right.
Starting point is 00:30:44 No worries. Daryl puts a towel on where Ron is going to sit. completely dry. Let me put it this way. I'm covered, bub. All right. No worries. Daryl puts a towel on where Ron is going to sit. So everybody eat up. You briefly realize as you put the towel down, the last time you did this, it was because Payton had peed or something like that, and his body reabsorbed it, and you didn't believe him. You put the towel down, so you think of Payton
Starting point is 00:30:59 briefly. Daryl grabs some power bars, and he goes, guys, I miss Payton. You guys all miss miss Payton let's go check on Payton when you turn and you just barely drove out of town so you can literally see Payton he's like hey hey Payton hey we're you know we're going
Starting point is 00:31:16 we're gonna go save my kid man I hope we're gonna be back soon though bud okay good luck you have a good night your first night away it was okay yeah I found weird when i yell because it's hard for anthony to do the voice when he's yelling oh how is the bed hey walter really quick can you just make sure pain's a really light sleeper just give him a good just like you know daryl they can figure it out i like i pat daryl on the back here one sec
Starting point is 00:31:39 hey uh glenn glenn can you give me glenn can you give me a couple gold coins daryl just let it go they gotta figure it out on their own give me a couple of gold coins? Daryl, just let it go. They've got to figure it out on their own. Give me a couple of gold coins. Withdrawing from the old band bank. All right, here you go. I take four gold coins and I sprint. I sprint all the way to Peyton. And I give him, hey, just make sure you get it.
Starting point is 00:31:57 It takes 73 seconds in real time. I just give him the gold coins. And the entire time you're doing it, Peyton's like, should I come to you? No, no, I need a good morning jog. I got to wake up anyway. It's better than a cup of joe, I tell you what. And then I give him the gold coins. I say, give him a nice bed and, you know, everything he needs.
Starting point is 00:32:14 And I say, hey, mind if I get a hug before I go? Payton's like, yeah, sure, man. No problem. He gives you a hug and he's like, oh, he's sweaty. You weren't even running for that long. Oh, man. And I spurt back. I go, guys, we got to get out of here.
Starting point is 00:32:26 Otherwise, I'm never going to go. Who was that guy? I do want to say to the fellow dads, as we go on our journey, if we're going into a night contest, you guys should all think about what your night persona is. So a knight usually has a color.
Starting point is 00:32:42 He has like an animal that he represents. So think about like what your night style is. And then usually a knight's all about like one big value, right? Like, so when I'm going to audition for medieval times, I'm going to say, I'm Henry the green. My animal is two birds, Larkin Sparrow. And my one animal is two birds. My value is I am the knight of respect. Oh, wow. Wow, that sounds like a knight that's going to lose. I feel like my value is, I don't know, about $15. Do we gas up the minivan?
Starting point is 00:33:18 Well, somebody's got to compliment it. Glenn, hey, why don't you compliment the minivan? Oh, yeah, Aaron, before we go, hold on one second. Let me just top off the tank here. I open the gas tank and I whisper, Odysseysey sanwa sekaiichi no kuruma desu yo which translates to odyssey san is the number one car in the world the odyssey goes and then the engine turns over So the Odyssey peels out of Meadowshade, flanked on either side by two small armies of trees. And Aaron O'Neill is being held in the arms of one of the trees,
Starting point is 00:33:56 and it's running and actually keeping pace with the Odyssey. And you can see in the rearview mirror, Hayden and Walter the Immortal sort of waving you off, saying goodbye. And some dust kicks up and then you don't see them anymore quite a bit of dust as there's an army of trees alongside yeah it's it's the visibility is not great but they let you lead a little bit so it doesn't completely obscure your view consider it whoever it doesn't get car sick if you could just like keep reading on you know see if there's anything besides that deck of cards or you know I also ask Aaron if she can help out
Starting point is 00:34:23 is there any like big balls of twine or something on the way in uh i mean that's not what i was asking she could research do they have like a giant thermometer in this world in our world there's a lot of cool roadside attractions whenever you go on a road trip and you know it's like one of the best parts about doing road trips yeah i mean there's a giant around here that uh can guess guess anybody's weight and the last person they slept with. Whoa, what? Guys, you want to?
Starting point is 00:34:52 Daryl's just still driving. Wait, guys. Guys, didn't we just sleep with each other? I don't know if that's what the kind of sleeping he means, though. That is not the kind of sleeping that he guesses. I weigh a hearty 120 pounds, so I don't really need this giant maybe we can after we rescue everyone's sons we can go alien jerky or something as you approach metashade you can see a road sign that says hey metashade is
Starting point is 00:35:18 you know directly in front of you it's about five miles uh but there is a bully wugs rest stop uh last place to meet up uh m-e-a-d up uh before before meadow shade and they say we've seen like billboards for the last like 20 miles on the way and it's like bully famous bully wags in just a little bit yep it's a shave yeah it keeps counting down uh and they say and we sell equipment for nights so it's like a whole so it's like a rest stop basically it's exactly like flying J, if you will. There's a whole bunch of other stuff. Well, boys, one, those purple robe guys said we should go here. Two, a good chance to rest up and get some night stuff, probably.
Starting point is 00:35:55 And also, I would like to say, Aaron, if you could do us a favor. So I think this is what we should do, guys. I think every time we're about to go somewhere, I think Aaron needs to go in first and just do a whole Grant check. Make sure there's no Grant. Make sure there's no Grant. So like we'll pull over and if you could just kind of float in there or do whatever you do. How is she going to
Starting point is 00:36:14 know what Grant looks like? She saw the picture of him from the end. Yeah, she sees the picture. Oh, I was going to draw a police sketch. Oh, I kind of want to see that. Draw a police sketch and make it as interesting as possible. If you were to say only be able to communicate what it looks like via audio. I don't really remember what Grant looks like, but I'm going to give him sort of sandy brownish hair. And I'm swiggling all the crayons around on his head.
Starting point is 00:36:38 I'm going to do kind of an oval for the head and then two dots for the eyes, beady little eyes um just like daryl's and then this big long curvy l backwards for the nose and then um kind of um kind of just a straight line because i mean i don't think he's sad but i don't know if he's happy here because I do know he likes to play soccer. And then for the body, I'm just going to do one line and then two lines for the arms and then two little lines that are kind of crooked for the legs.
Starting point is 00:37:16 Just crooked so that you can see that they're two different legs. And that's what he looks like. Oh, I forgot the ears. That's okay though. So Aaron, you can take both of these pictures because it's very good, Ron. Take both okay, though. So, Aaron, you can take both of these pictures. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:26 Because it's very good, Ron. Take both of them. So, yeah, Aaron takes both of them, and she goes, so he could look like either of these things. Yeah, if you see anybody who looks like either of those, let us know. Okay, great. I'll be right back, I guess. And so she walks toward the Bullywugs, and you see that the Bullywugs is much bigger than the one you went to last time. Like, one is a full ass, it's like a full ass rest stop. There's, you know, places to refuel your horses
Starting point is 00:37:47 with food, water. With petrol. With petrol or cheese. There's a bunch of souvenir shops sort of littering around. You see Aaron go in. After about 30 seconds, she comes out holding the hand
Starting point is 00:38:02 of a horrifying stick figure man. I knew it, I knew it! who looks identical to to Ron's drawing and she goes is this him? no that's not him but you misunderstood thank god you misunderstood the instructions if you see Grant
Starting point is 00:38:18 the last thing you can do is show him to us that's not Grant this is not Grant so the guy goes kill me kill me Is show him to us. Oh, okay. That's not Grant. So what should I... This is not Grant. No, no, the other picture is Grant. So the guy goes, kill me. Kill me. Ron, you drew that guy.
Starting point is 00:38:30 You want to go meet him? Yeah. Hey, Grant. That's not my name. Are you ready for the big game, buddy? Oh, yes, I am. There's nothing I'd love more than the sweet release of death within the big game.
Starting point is 00:38:47 Terry says you're a pretty good striker. That's forward in soccer. Who is that? And what is that? Your teammate. And I'm actually kind of having doubts that you might be Grant, but... I'm not Grant.
Starting point is 00:39:02 That's not my name. Oh, okay. Ron, that's not grant and also point of order if that was grant for the last time the last thing any of us we all understand right what do we do if we think we see grant turn and run the other way henry call an adult no we turn and run in the i know yeah ron close my eyes good and run in the opposite direction i can't run with my eyes closed just do your best i love that this is setting up the moment we see grad that rosary face first into a tree
Starting point is 00:39:31 well i uh i shake the the hand of the i shake the stick of the screams because you didn't put a hand on the end of it it's just the stick and you just the second you touch he's like it's my raw nerves exposed to the elements what does a stick look like what does you dirty boy what do the sticks like are they just black do they look like skin like what is what is this creature made out of they look like vantablack and like even if you walk around them they remain like completely like flush with you like when you're playing Doom and the sprites are always facing you or Mickey Mouse's ears always have that same silhouette. It's like that.
Starting point is 00:40:07 Huh. So hi, what are you? I'm just curious. We're learning about this realm. I am the result of what happens when you piss off a dimensional witch. She removed one of mine. She removed one of your dimensions?
Starting point is 00:40:21 Uh-huh. Whoa. Yeah, sorry for disturbing you. What's your name, sir? I put my hand out. Darrell Wilson, nice to meet you. So he recoils with his hands because he doesn't want you to touch them again. He says, my name is Vince.
Starting point is 00:40:33 I was named that by Ryan. Is that your dad? Yep, my dad's name is Ryan. Is he in three dimensions? He comes from the land of Patreon. He comes from the land of Patreon. Hey, Vince, have you seen anybody who looks exactly like you, except more of a photograph? I have never seen anyone that looks exactly like me.
Starting point is 00:41:01 Also, thank you, Ryan, for giving us money so that you could put it into a spreadsheet. I want you to name a character Vince. Vince is my favorite name. Maybe I'll say his best friend's name. Oh, he did say it just by chance. He said years of heavy smoking has transformed his voice into more gravel than words. So, hey, it worked out. Congratulations, Ryan.
Starting point is 00:41:18 Why are you shaming Arpatia? Because I think it's really funny. Ryan, I appreciate you. All right. Oh, wow. Good luck to you, Vince Vince we hope that you get cured from your dimensional witch curse and that you can join the third dimension once again
Starting point is 00:41:30 yeah that makes two of us do you eat Daryl just it's when you see someone different they're just going about their day you don't need to stop them and grill them with 10,000 questions you know I just want to know if he's hungry he seems this guy seems like he's having a bad day you were literally asking if he like as a weird okay yeah do you eat would you like to have lunch with us oh yeah because you definitely said
Starting point is 00:41:48 do you eat not did you eat i mean i was asking that's just being colloquial i was just like you know do you eat like yo do you eat and then we'll sit down and eat if you eat if you're hungry i know i ate every time i eat it's extremely painful because when i jam the food in my mouth it has to transfer from three-dimensional to two-dimensional so i can digest it and it feels very weird going into my face. I got something for you. I run back to the van and open it up, and I get some of my Soylent. I'm like, hey, here's a full meal.
Starting point is 00:42:14 It doesn't taste great, I'll be honest, and you don't feel great, but it should be easier to go down than solid food. So, like, anybody else going to have any of this? Otherwise, we can just give them all of our Soylent. All right. He tries to pour it into his mouth, and you see as it hits the sort of boundary of his two-dimensional flesh it like just turns into this weird actually kind of reminds you of the doodler almost in a weird way it just turns into this weird like two-dimensional slurry and
Starting point is 00:42:37 his body just starts to vibrate as if somebody's shaking the animation cell his torso sick just begins to like bulge out a little bit and he goes like that's great i mean it just tastes like nothing that tastes like liquid bread that's terrible i don't know who would who would volunteer to have this but uh yeah thanks thanks for that that makes up for the uh for you being a kind of mean to me oh all right well uh this was odd aaron so just to clarify you didn't see grant right hey vince you can go on your way. This is the only guy I saw was Vince. Yeah, I like that guy. Personnel is a little flat, though. You get inspiration.
Starting point is 00:43:12 Everybody else takes a D4. Four. Three. Let's go to Bullywugs. Let's check it out. So as you enter the Bullywugs, basically you see that it's... I'm going to once again refer to things in terms of a three-ring circus. You see another unfortunate foster children fighting arena.
Starting point is 00:43:34 You see there's a guy next to a couple of speakers, by which I mean two goblins holding megaphones up to their mouths, and a turntable, by which I mean a table that could just rotate 180 degrees. And he's got a cool hat on and a bunch of cards in front of him. And he's got white hair. And then you can see there's people playing darts there's people playing what looks like pool like billiards and then on the wall you can see a thing that says prizes and there's a bunch of little items there you can probably see more carefully if you get up close to them and then the far end of the rest stop you see a large sign that says shuttles four nights two meadow shade
Starting point is 00:44:02 get right to the action. Skip the line. So this is like a kind of Chuck E. Cheese's situation. It's very Chuck E. Cheese-esque. It's very Golden Saucer. It's very Golden Saucer. It's extremely Golden Saucer. What's Golden Saucer? It's from Final Fantasy VII.
Starting point is 00:44:16 Oh, sorry. Lots of stupid little mini games you could play and little prizes you can win. And Kate Sipp is there. I want to just quickly take a look at the UFC cage and I assume I don't see anybody with the spark and fire and power that Peyton had right now. I've been closing. You see
Starting point is 00:44:32 people that are unquestionably better fighters, but they have the eyes of a marmot at best. Yeah, I have an ocelot. If you really stretched UFC fights have really gone downhill. Let me tell you how far away was this place from where we just left? It was two hours.
Starting point is 00:44:46 Guys, I really hope Payne doesn't hear about this place. That would have been the ultimate move. Anthony, as we go there, Payne is already. I decided I didn't want to leave. People like me too much. I'd also like to just quickly remind everybody, just out of canon, that Chuck E. Cheese's canonical full name
Starting point is 00:45:04 is Charles Entertainment Cheese. And that that's maybe the best thing. Is it Bullywogs or Bullywogs? Bullywogs. My name is Bull Durham Entertainment Wogs. I'm going to take a closer look at the prize
Starting point is 00:45:19 wall. So going up to the prize wall, you can see that they have point values on them. And you turn in a couple of points and you get some cool shit. One of the prizes that catches your eye is a magically imbued green transparent visor. And it has the inventor's name next to it, whose name is Carson Kelleher.
Starting point is 00:45:38 Thank you, Carson. And it is called the Revisor. And it has a description that says, a magically imbued green transparent visor that allows the user to alter a spell alphabetically by swapping up to two letters with two new letters to change the meaning of its words. So for example, you could take Firebolt,
Starting point is 00:45:55 replace the R and the E with S and H, and turn it into Fishbolt, and then the user would fire off dozens of halibut at their foes, and you can use it once per rest. Ooh, interesting. That one seems like you have to be smart to do it. That's a lot of work.
Starting point is 00:46:07 That's an incredibly powerful item. Yeah, it's very cool. There's another one that specifically calls out to you, Ron, and it was invented by Caitlin Marquardt, which, what a fucking cool name, the Belt of Pants, which is a belt that creates illusory pants on the wearer, and the wearer
Starting point is 00:46:24 can suppress the illusion at will. Whoa. Wait, so... How many tokens? How many tokens? Nobody seems to be going for that one because its use seems to be kind of limited, but for that one, it says two tokens.
Starting point is 00:46:34 It's constantly like it was 20, and it keeps getting crossed out. Yeah, there's a lot of crossouts, and then it got down to two. Wait, so just to clarify, it just makes... You can put pants on, but nobody can see them if you don't want.
Starting point is 00:46:43 No, it's holographic pants. They're not real pants. You can have no pants on, but you put this belt on, and it makes it them if you don't want. No, it's holographic pants. They're not real pants. You can have no pants on, but you put this like belt on and it makes it seem like you have pants, but you don't. You're actually swinging free. To quote Kanye West,
Starting point is 00:46:52 no one man should have all that power. That just seems like a very, yeah, okay. Well, of course, I'll be wearing my pants under the holographic pants. It's just an extra layer. Yeah. But an imaginary layer. Yeah, over your normal pants. Okay. Iic pants. It's just an extra layer. Yeah. But an imaginary layer.
Starting point is 00:47:06 Yeah, over your normal pants. Okay. I don't see what's so complicated about this. And then the final thing that you notice is invented by Johnny Stanton, and it is a grill. And it's called... That one especially grabs Daryl's attention. It's called the Kiss the Cook Grillmaster.
Starting point is 00:47:20 It is used by the best cooks in the realm, and the Kiss the Cook Grillmaster has no peers when it comes to grilling meats and good eats during a short or long rest this item can be used to cook meat that must be hunted to receive 1d10 temporary hit points after the rest for everybody in your party whoa just daryl was off had gone the picture back from aaron was like getting ready to like start asking people if they've seen this kid but then he saw the grill and like yeah it's like love at first sight like his eyes turn his hand just goes into his pocket and puts the picture away he's like we got to play some motherfucking games how do we get tokens as you say that the man in
Starting point is 00:47:54 the white hair uh goes well well well my friends some tokens you say if you come to gerald of trivia's trivia corner then you might be very pleasantly surprised. Answer my questions three, and many tokens you shall receive. Geralt of Trivia, you say. Yeah. Hail and well met. Hail and well met.
Starting point is 00:48:15 We are four adventurers in search of, I just, I do, it's all fun that there's a bunch of cool items and stuff, but we are looking for something called the Deck of Many Things, because it could help us save our lost sons. Ah, and he points to the sign of the shuttle four nights
Starting point is 00:48:28 and he says, yeah, the Deck of Many Things is the third place prize in the competition. What are the second and first place prizes? First place prize is a mystery. Second place prize
Starting point is 00:48:37 is like a bunch of really just high quality armor and weapons and stuff that you get to sort of choose. You get a taste of the Dwarven King's armor. You get to take what it basically... You know the Nickelodeon toy run?
Starting point is 00:48:49 Oh my god. I'm afraid we're not familiar with the Nickelodeon toy run. What is the Nickelodeon toy run? So Nickelodeon was a Dwarven smith back in the day. And for kids that were of lower income strata, he would make a bunch of toys out of machinery. The number of them that you could beat in
Starting point is 00:49:04 single combat because they were sort of alive and would fight you uh you got to collect all of their scrap which was actually made out of really useful stuff which you could buy toys it was kind of a scam to get you to keep buying stuff at a shop if we get first place can we choose the third place prize you could exchange for that sure like a kickstarter fourth place prize uh you get to live well you don't live you get to live you get to live so Wait, you don't live? You get to live. You get to live. So basically, the way... Has anybody explained this competition for nights? No. Okay, so yeah, you get teams of no more than five,
Starting point is 00:49:31 and you go in, and depending on how you rank, if you get within the top five, you get to live. Anything below that, you get culled. Culled? What is culled? Oh, just killed. It's just a nicer way of saying killed. Oh, it's like slang gerald's of
Starting point is 00:49:46 trivia what's your deal are you a wandering trivia knight like what's your thing first thing you need to know about me is i'm infertile so i can fuck whoever i want tell me more second thing you need to know about me is uh i love trivia i have two different kinds of cards here these cards are for monsters and these cards are for the other kinds of monsters. Because I love asking people random questions about the world that they live in. I've heard of these people. They call them a watcher. God, fuck.
Starting point is 00:50:14 Damn it. Yeah, that's what I'm, I'm the watcher. So really quick question, Geralt. When is this night event? Nightfall. Sorry, Aaron's like, oh, I was right. So it's four nights and it's at night. I get it, yeah. So like tonight? They do one every night.
Starting point is 00:50:28 Oh, okay. We're going to have to enter this tournament, everybody, but we should probably gear up. Yeah. So what do you do in this tournament? There's a little bit of combat. There's a little bit of thinking your way through stuff. There's a little bit of using your hands.
Starting point is 00:50:37 It's a lot of everything. It's basically arts and crafts. Yeah, it's the most entertaining thing for dwarves. Meadowshade is a, I'm assuming you haven't been to Meadowshade. No. You feel like you're out of from downtown. Meadowshade was an old dwarven mine that the mine went dry. They had to find another way of bringing in the money,
Starting point is 00:50:51 and so they came up with the contest. Do we need to, like, dress up for this night thing, or can we just kind of? It's up to you. It's sort of your own style, whatever you want to bring into it. Oh, great. Again, it is four nights, so a lot of people that go in will have a lot of armor and a lot of swords and, you know, really good protective stuff.
Starting point is 00:51:06 But you don't have to. It's whatever your style is. Can pretty much anyone say they're a knight and then they get in? Oh, yeah, for sure. You're not going to have to, like, show your papers or anything. How many tokens do we get for winning trivia? It depends on how many questions in a row you get. Well, yeah, what's the most we could get?
Starting point is 00:51:18 Is it enough to get everything we want? Yeah, it's definitely enough to get everything you want. I say we get that grill and the pants, and you want the visor, Henry, probably? Sure. I mean, I cast spells, so, you want. I say we get that grill and the pants, and you want the visor, Henry, probably? Sure. I mean, I cast spells, so, you know, and I... That makes sense. I'm pretty good at crosswords, so I feel like I could do a little bit of wordplay, you know? Is there a fourth item?
Starting point is 00:51:33 There's four of us, I'm just saying. And he goes, oh, oh, you want the secret other item. Geralt sort of pats himself down and goes, uh, fourth thing, fourth thing, fourth thing. And he pulls out a pair of sunglasses that have in like Mark Jacobs font on the side that says Bryce Baker. Thank you, Bryce. He goes, these are the sunglasses of napping.
Starting point is 00:51:53 If the dad falls asleep while wearing these radical sunglasses, you can wake up extra early, but you have to take a nap later to compensate. Oh my gosh. It allows a long rest to be taken over a four-hour period instead of the usual eight-hour period. But the next time you long rest, you have to rest four hours longer to experience the benefits. And you have to constantly brag about how early you woke up that day.
Starting point is 00:52:16 Oh my gosh. I love that. I, Beth May, am wearing those sunglasses right now. Girl, we'd like to take you on in your little trivia game even though we know nothing about this realm, but you know what? I think we could bluff our way through it. There's no consequence for losing this trivia, right? Yeah, let's do it. How much does it cost? Ten gold. Alright.
Starting point is 00:52:33 I plop ten gold coins in front of Geralt. So he takes the ten gold coins, he goes, alright, so you have two choices. He pulls out the silver deck of trivia questions, and he pulls out the steel deck of trivia questions, and he goes, do you want the one for men or the one for monsters? Ooh.
Starting point is 00:52:47 Wait, when you say four men and four monsters, are these trivia questions about men versus ones about monsters or is that the first question? That's the first trivia question.
Starting point is 00:52:56 I think we should take the men. The men deck? Yeah. I mean, we're men. Yeah, we're men.
Starting point is 00:53:02 We're men. We're men. You know, we're people. Can we say we're people? I don't, you know. Are you a man, Henry? Yeah, but like, I feel like I'm more than my gender.
Starting point is 00:53:10 I'm a person. I'm only my gender. There's nothing beyond it. We'll take the men deck. All right, sounds good. So he puts it down on the other deck, and he goes, so thematically, these questions are about,
Starting point is 00:53:24 I don't know if you all keep up with current affairs with the news but absolutely there are some uh i guess invaders from another world that came in and have been cutting a swath of destruction across fey rune so this is sort of it's all about them so uh the first question is aaron you better be listening up aaron's like i don't care about any of it yeah sure i'll listen. She's elbow deep in a bucket of wings. Yeah, she's just... These are so fucking good. Why would anyone ever eat salad? Okay, so
Starting point is 00:53:52 the first question is, and this question was asked by Scott McLaughlin. Who was the first person the dad spoke to upon arriving in the Forgotten Realms, and what did those dads do to them? Well, it was... Ooh.
Starting point is 00:54:06 Oh, no, it wasn't Cern. It was the... We mugged him, whoever he was. Yeah, we hit them with a car. It was the numbers. It was the various numbers. It was the number people. Oh, it was...
Starting point is 00:54:16 Yeah, it was number three, right? Number three. I think it was the first one we actually talked to. The other ones we just killed. Three got killed by the Lance later. So, yes, correct. It was three was the first person they talked to to and he was executed by the lance all right next question job guys how many tokens that's one token one token all right flicks a token at you with
Starting point is 00:54:33 this thumb i catch it and i toss it to ron i miss it then i pick it up next question in the town of neverwinter there were two sons that pretended to be the Lord of Chaos. Which one of the two sons ended his experience in Neverwinter wanting to be a love wolf? Henry. Henry. This is yours. This is yours. And do not look at your notes. I feel like it was Sparrow.
Starting point is 00:54:59 Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Starting point is 00:55:00 Whoever went up the elevator. Can I do a memory? No, I can't. No. Can I phone a friend? No, I can't. Use your human will. Can I phone a friend? We phoned Beth. You want to phone Beth.
Starting point is 00:55:11 I don't know why she would know anything about this. I don't think Beth would know. Those two boys are always up to their hijinks. It's so hard to tell them apart sometimes. Yeah, see, even he can't tell. Okay, I'm pretty sure it was Sparrow. Is that your final answer? Are you sure?
Starting point is 00:55:28 It was Lark. Lark, Lovewolf, L, right? All right, Geralt goes, it was Sparrow. You guys don't ever watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? That's always the trick when they ask for the final answer. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. So you're back down to whatever the next one is.
Starting point is 00:55:45 You only get one token for it because your streak is broken. So sorry about that. Sorry, guys. You're really blue. Don't tell my boys. Don't tell my boys. I never hear the end of it when that happens.
Starting point is 00:55:54 I'll tell Sparrow and then call him Lark. So Nicole Milan suggested this next question. In the forest of the water mice, they sell many flowers that do different hallucinogenic things damn what do the purple flowers do oh fuck off nicole why you gotta do this do me dirty god though so also all the people who submitted questions did not provide the answer so i was like god damn it oh man purple was purple flowers floating I thought it was purple flowers. Blue was floating, I thought. Oh, it was blue floating?
Starting point is 00:56:25 Yeah. I was going to say floating, so... Was purple nausea? Glenn, you were the one that was... I mean, you passed... Doesn't it make you, like, fall asleep or something? Wait, don't we still have a couple of those flowers in the backpack, don't we? Don't we have some in the van?
Starting point is 00:56:37 I think Daryl made you tremble. Daryl threw them out. You can't just get up and leave a trivia night, go someplace and get the answer and come back, though. Yeah, I feel like purple was nausea. It was either nausea or upset stomach, indigestion, diarrhea. You're a drug dealer. You answer the question. I think red was make you feel like you're...
Starting point is 00:56:58 Yeah, so red was... Make you forget the last... Meth, basically. It was the one that screwed you up. Blue was like... Floating. Floating. It was the one that screwed you up. Blue was like, oh, man. Floating. Floating. I'm going to go with nausea.
Starting point is 00:57:10 Nausea, nausea. So he points at Daryl and he goes, unfortunately, you should have listened to him. It was levitating. Fuck off. Oh, damn. Daryl, you just answered these. Fuck.
Starting point is 00:57:20 It's a shame. If we get two tokens, we're getting that girl, everybody. This is the last question, unfortunately. So when the dads went to their first town, they lied to a tavern owner and said they would deliver her a certain number of barrels of beer. Oh, shit. Do you remember how many barrels they promised?
Starting point is 00:57:38 It was either like nine or 13. It was like eight? I'll give you a hint. It was double digits and it's less than 20. I think it was 13. I mean, you're hint. It was double digits and it's less than 20. I think it was 13. I mean, you're the businessman, Ron. You put that deal together. Daryl, I wish I had that much faith.
Starting point is 00:57:53 I think it was 13. Is that Beth saying that or Ron saying that? It's Beth saying it. And then Ron is like, I think it was 13. I agree, Ron. I think 13 sounds about right. I love your confidence. It was 15 barrels.
Starting point is 00:58:08 No! I'm sorry. I am sorry. I feel a little bad now that we never gave her those barrels. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she feels bad about it too. That's why I know about it.
Starting point is 00:58:17 Wait, are you the guys? No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I said we would theoretically feel like she got stiffed by those jackasses. Yeah, we heard about it secondhand, which is why we thought it was 13, not 15. It's a game of telephone.
Starting point is 00:58:28 Actually, sir, I have a question. Hi, Daryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. We just met. You're Daryl Wilson. Yeah. Daryl Wilson was one of the dads. You're the dads.
Starting point is 00:58:36 These trivia questions are rather specific to us. You're saying if somebody else were to do this trivia game, these would have been the questions you would have asked them? It's a current events thing about the path of destruction we've been weaving across this realm. NDR's been talking about it. So we're pretty famous. What's in the monsters deck? Honestly, I knew
Starting point is 00:58:55 you were going to go for the man deck. I always have the monster deck as an option, but that's just a faint. If you had said that, I would have asked you the same question and been like, these guys are monsters, huh? It's a thing where you make it seem like you're doing more work than you do as prep, but you really only have the one thing. Well, we got one token. Well, we have a token.
Starting point is 00:59:12 Geralt of Trivia. Can I get an autograph from the dads? Actually, you know what? Since you guys are the dads, I feel like I'll give you an extra token. That'd be great. How much was the grill again? The grill's four tokens. Ha! The pants's four tokens. Ha! The pants are two.
Starting point is 00:59:27 The pants are two tokens. The grill's four tokens. The sunglasses are two tokens. And the visor is five tokens. Well, Ron, looks like your dream came true today. What if I go for the sunglasses? No, I wouldn't. Yes, I would like one pair of pants.
Starting point is 00:59:46 Holographic, please. The Orc teen at the desk with all the prizes goes, Holy shit, somebody actually got the stupid pants that don't do anything. All right. Congratulations. And he hands you the belt. Thanks. Hey, so what's your name?
Starting point is 00:59:58 My name is Orc. O-R-K. Hey, so I was named that by Nadia Willis. Just Ork? Yeah, O-R-K. It'd be like me calling someone human, right? Hey, man, don't punk on the guy's name. He's probably got a lot of issues about it.
Starting point is 01:00:17 Definitely make fun of the guy who's working at a Bullywugs instead of following my dreams of being a magician slash juggler. But no, yeah, I definitely... I'm the one you want to dunk on. You're a magician slash juggler. But no, yeah, I definitely, I'm the one you want to dunk on. You're a magician slash juggler? Can you show me a cool trick?
Starting point is 01:00:28 All right, pick. So fans, a deck of cards in front of you. Pick a card. Pick any card. I pick a card. It's the Jack of Spades. All right, all right, put it back in the deck. Okay.
Starting point is 01:00:37 So he shuffles the deck. And he goes, so there's no way I can know your card, right? No, no, no way. And then he casts Read Mind on you. And it fails. And he goes, I have no idea where your card is. He's still working on that one. Still working on it.
Starting point is 01:00:53 Hey, Ork. Nice to meet you. My name is Daryl Wilson. How are you doing, buddy? I reach out and give him a hand. I mean, not great, but. We don't have a lot of time. We know the tokens are essentially just, you know, I get it.
Starting point is 01:01:03 You're doing your job. Is there a way that we could get this grill and these sunglasses and and stuff without going through this whole hassle oh yeah if you wanted to bribe me i'd be super down for that oh well that's that's easy hey what we got oh we we can autograph something for oh yeah so famous yeah good idea ron why don't you tell them how famous you are? Hey, this is Ron. Ron Stampler. Of Hi, I'm Ron. Oh, the singer? Yeah, that's me. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 01:01:30 Can I open for you? Like a door or? No, like the orc hour of excitement where I juggle, I tell jokes, I do magic. Hey, listen, orc, I've only got 15 minutes of material, so I don't know if I want an hour opener. But you could get a selfie with me. What is a selfie? It's when you stop a celebrity on the street, and then you make them take a couple pictures of you and them and then they're all blurry roll a persuasion natural 20 yes he goes there's nothing i would like more bring it in i
Starting point is 01:02:15 like the idea there's like a the bully walks painter is like on the corner of like kind of rushes over with an easel to quickly paint this portrait oh yeah yeah it's a goblin it goes somebody call for a selfie uh and india he quickly brings up the easel but it's this portrait. Oh yeah, yeah. It's a goblin who goes, somebody call for a selfie! And he quickly brings up the easel, but it's like an old-timey camera where there's a curtain and he goes, leave me to my work! And he puts it over his head. But he has to be facing behind us or something? Yes, exactly. It's a weird thing
Starting point is 01:02:38 where there's a mirror and he's facing away from you, but looking back at you, he goes, pose! And hold that pose for exactly 35 minutes! And then he just paints it and gives it back to you and it's not good it's it's very boring my smile i'll do another i'll do another one and he starts painting it takes another 35 minutes anything for a fan and then he gives it to orc and orc is like oh my god this is amazing nobody's gonna believe i i'm friends with the famous outlaw slash crooner uh ron stampler well just tell my story kiddo i don't know what what it is yet so can we take
Starting point is 01:03:12 the items oh uh yeah you could have one of them i think the grill is gonna be the most useful for all of us as a group i mean i'll make meat for everybody you know or you know i'll grow some veggies for you henry you don't fucking have all, I don't even give a shit. Those items are cool. I feel like it'll add to your story if you have them. Thanks, Ork. Just so you know, I did slightly press the silent alarm because that's what we're supposed to do if we see the dads. It takes 70 minutes for the...
Starting point is 01:03:40 You guys got to get a better silent alarm there. They come all the way from Waterdeep. It's a whole thing. And he points at the silent alarm, and it come all the way from Waterdeep. It's a whole thing. And he points at the silent alarm, and it's just the guy with his mouth. I'm going. It's actually a very quiet bird. It operates on a very high frequency. And it's somewhere in Waterdeep.
Starting point is 01:03:57 And now the bird's going. Oh, geez. Guys, we might need a skedaddle here. Hey, Aaron. Yeah, what's up? How are those wings? Oh, my God. They're so fucking good. How many do you need a skedaddle here. Hey, Aaron. Yeah, what's up? How are those wings? Oh, my God. They're so fucking good.
Starting point is 01:04:07 How many do you have? You were kind of there. We've been here over an hour. It's all you can eat, right? And the guy's like, absolutely not. And he goes, oh, I might have to bounce. I don't know. Hey, we got a skedaddle, y'all.
Starting point is 01:04:19 When's the next shuttle to the night thing? Oh, it's at dawn, so a couple hours i guess but there's like cops coming for us there's like bad guys like it'll take a day like if you wanted to go it's the whole thing they're very slow that's why i didn't feel so bad pressing the alarm how did you get robbed work oh no this is not forgetting rob this is literally just if we see the dads oh do you have a different silent alarm for when you get robbed? No, we just let it happen. Like this corporate says
Starting point is 01:04:49 you should just let... Don't try to stop them in any way, because if I get hurt, then they're held liable. It's kind of more to protect them than to protect me. Well, Orc, it's been good talking to you, buddy. Yeah, no, it's been great. It's been great meeting all of you. Sorry I called the pose on you, but... Good luck with your magic.
Starting point is 01:05:06 Now we're going to do a magic trick and disappear. Maybe. I don't know. We might hang around and do some darts or something. Okay, cool. So is this grill propane, coal? What are we looking at here? It operates off of a thought.
Starting point is 01:05:19 Oh, that's the one thing I don't know how to cook with. Well, I've got some pretty hot thoughts. You've got to think about something that frustrates you, and the frustration causes a spark. Oh, yeah, that sounds good. Daryl can definitely handle that. So it's powered by hot takes? You're going to say a hot take to the grill,
Starting point is 01:05:37 and then the grill fires up? Say an opinion that's slightly controversial, but not really. It's kind of more about you having the opinion than the opinion itself, and it'll turn it right on on this seems like a dangerous girl for daryl to have everybody the more racially charged the better i think we got guys wait hold on hey orc yeah you said you knew about us what do what what do they know about us so uh the story going around it's been sort of the scuttlebutt is, four very bad dads, sorry,
Starting point is 01:06:05 this is their words, not mine, four very horrible dads appeared in our world. Their kids ran away because the dads were so bad and they've been killing a swath across the country trying to get their kids back.
Starting point is 01:06:15 Did they talk anything about our mode of transportation? Yeah, they say they're in a big metal beast. Shit. Guys,
Starting point is 01:06:23 all this Tucson's been made. We might need to take the shuttle here to go in there in order to remain inc. Shit. Guys, all this Tucson's been made. We might need to take the shuttle here to go in in order to remain incognito. Oh, yeah. I mean, I assumed we were going to take the shuttle. It seems nice that they have
Starting point is 01:06:32 a shuttle for the night. Well, I mean, I like that Henry's reason is like, well, it's carpooling, clearly. It's carpooling. It saves on gas. It's just the thing is
Starting point is 01:06:40 if you do leave your van here, the cops are on their way here and then you'll be in the thing and your van, so they'll just be waiting for you or they'll impound the beast. Yeah, we're do leave your van here, the cops are on their way here, and then you'll be in the thing, and they'll just be waiting for you, or they'll impound the beast. Yeah, we're not leaving this van, Glenn. Or Shinji, whatever its name is. It says Shinji on the side, so they'll imprison Shinji. Maybe they'll arrest Shinji instead of the van. That's a theory?
Starting point is 01:07:00 Guys, just as a thought, by the way, if we ever get in a bit of heat, we're pinning this all on Shinji. Oh, absolutely. All right, guys. way, if we ever get in a bit of heat, we're pinning this all on Shinji. Oh, absolutely. All right, guys. I mean, we got these cool items. Sounds like we should go to the van. Hey, is there like an employee feedback form type of thing? Yeah, yeah, right over there.
Starting point is 01:07:16 And it's a guy with his shirt off. He has a tattoo on his back that says feedback here, and he's just bent over, and he's got a dagger in his hand. I'd like to approach this. Hey, how's this work? He hands you the dagger, and he goes, carve your and he's got a dagger in his hand. I'd like to approach this. Hey, how's this work? He hands you the dagger and he goes, carve your feedback. Oh, okay. Can't we just write it on like a slip or something?
Starting point is 01:07:30 It feels like this is going to hurt you quite a bit. Slips get lost. I do not. What does it say on his back so far? It says, this feedback system is really weird. I don't like it. Somebody carved that into your back? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:07:42 How do you feel about your job? Is this, are you okay with this? I love it. Oh, okay. Glenn leaves A++++++, a lot of pluses on there. Yes. For Ork, like, great service from Ork. This will be heard by management.
Starting point is 01:08:00 Ron carves, great service by Ork. The atmosphere can use some work. Fun for the whole family. Two stars. Is this so when we carve our opinions at your back, it seems like it might be pretty painful. So do you yelp when we do that? I do.
Starting point is 01:08:19 I do. Why is everyone groaning? That's what I do. Do you Google review, too? You yell me. I yell so hard at Google. Nice. Aw, okay.
Starting point is 01:08:30 It's sad. Orc says, also, if you wanted to get some books to study for the big game, the library is here. Wait, what? Yeah, we got a, he's got a big tower of books. He's in the outback. He's going to set up a little book fair for himself, for the kids. They let the library be around children? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:08:49 Reading is fundamental. Oh, man. Wow, this is a rough world. Okay. Dad huddle. Aaron, get in here. Bork walks in and he goes, oh, Dad, sorry. Sorry.
Starting point is 01:08:58 I felt like I was one of the gang. All right. Wait, you can stay around. You might be helpful. Oh, hell yeah. He's not really a dad, though. No, he's not. But I am. You have not really a dad, though. No, he's not. Oh, no, I am.
Starting point is 01:09:06 You have a kid? Uh-huh. Oh, what's your kid's name? So my wife, Emster, she named our son Coconut Mama. Coconut, that's beautiful. I love that. It's a family name. Coconut Mama.
Starting point is 01:09:19 I didn't know they had coconuts here. What? Never mind. The library's here. We're overdue on our books now, right? No, we're not overdue. We're not overdue. You just don't have them. You just don't have them. If you guys run into the library, don't tell him that we
Starting point is 01:09:34 burned the books. Because I feel like if he knows the books have been destroyed, then he's going to be mad. So is our plan to hopefully maybe get out of this whole world before the books are due? I mean... And we'll be home by dinner. Hey, Aaron.
Starting point is 01:09:48 Yeah. Aaron, into the demo. Oh, yeah, what's up? Hey, the library's here. Oh. Shit. How easy is it to kill him? As far as I can tell,
Starting point is 01:09:58 it's extremely difficult. He has the... But let me ask you this. Does he have any books on how to kill him? Oh, that's an interesting question. He has books on every single conceivable thought and idea so yeah i guess he has a book on how to get out of your library fees and then we don't have to kill him scam school like that's clever here's an idea yeah there are rumors that he's related to scam likely so that could be something but as far as i could tell so this world, we sort of as a group sort of arbitrarily sort of attach challenge ratings to people.
Starting point is 01:10:27 Arbitrarily. Oh, God almighty. Oh, boy. So that's an advantage for you and a D4 of damage for everybody else. Oh, full four. More damage. Good grief. That's a three.
Starting point is 01:10:37 You'll be fine. This is how you're all going to die. I'm about to grill, baby. It's just an excuse to grill. So in this world, we do a thing where we arbitrarily assign challenge ratings to things to show how dangerous they are and how hard they are to kill. And this guy is up there. He's like a 10.
Starting point is 01:10:52 More or less than the vampire we destroyed. He's less. Definitely less. And we killed that guy without a freaking delicious steak right beforehand. And when I got a steak in me, when I got a steak in me. Let me say this. Freddie Wong here. How much time do we have left?
Starting point is 01:11:04 Until the books are overdue? Two weeks. You guys spent so little time in that village. Guys, guys, guys. I know that whatever's up ahead here, there's probably going to be a tournament of sorts. We'll probably level up before then, which will make the fight easier for us.
Starting point is 01:11:20 I don't know if we should, as Glenn, I don't know if we should confront him now. We can run out the clock a little bit and try and get a lay of the land first. I would like to see if the library has a book on how to get out of library fees. Let's ask the library because you guys have told me I've had some whisperings in my ears that
Starting point is 01:11:35 I haven't been paying attention and not getting the correct book I need for helping out at this blood pack. And we got a good solution, but maybe there's a book in there that we'll, maybe we should finally ask about, you know, if there's something to get us out blood packs if we check out more books and the deadline for those books is even further he can't kill us for the first books because then he'll never get the other books back wait a minute you're right it'll be a perpetual we just have to keep racking up more debt this is like one of my one one of my friends
Starting point is 01:12:02 continued to take classes at a local community college to delay his need to pay back his student loan it's exactly do you guys ever seen the movie the big short yeah i didn't get it i would like to go visit the library see if we can get the answer yeah you might have the red badge of courage too okay so you head out back it's like a scholastic book fair it is exactly like a scholastic book fair so inside of a big sort of carriage you see uh it's almost like you know like an old scholastic book truck i guess now it'd be more like a food truck to kids um you see the library leaning out of a window going books books books for anybody for any age any occasion in any subject there are a bunch of kids running around going, yay! And they're getting shitty novelizations
Starting point is 01:12:46 of their favorite plays that they saw that are just slightly different, but they're like, I'm reading! And just comic books, just all the comic books. She goes, these aren't really art, but go ahead, I guess, as long as it gets you reading and away from those... blood forks.
Starting point is 01:13:01 Almost said phones, thought better of it. If they read enough books, do they get a coupon for a personal pan pizza that's exactly it's literally i was literally just about to say that there's a he's a like a spool of coupons next to him that say like one free personal pan pizza bully wugs uh and one guy comes up and he's got like a little board game and you have to fill in all the spaces he goes look i got fanfie the dragon all the way across with all the books that i read he goes oh a pizza for you and he rips off one and hands it to him uh and he goes i love my job knowledge knowledge knowledge i turn to the guys like guys we can't kill him this guy's such a beautiful beacon of knowledge and learning
Starting point is 01:13:33 in this world yeah i'm so conflicted because he's getting kids to read and i'm all about that how many kids do you think he's killed though well i guess that's true it's kind of like the internet in our world where it is both something that has really brought the world together but it's also tearing it apart i don't know about you but i feel like there's no scale like how many henry how many good things does he need to do to balance out that whole killing kids thing i feel like it's all bad he's all bad we don't know if he's killed kids are you saying there's not a single kid on this on this planet that we're on that didn't forget a book or lost a book at some point. As you say that, you hear him go,
Starting point is 01:14:06 and don't forget to bring it back on time or I'll skin you in the eye! And I've done it! That's not rhetoric! Hello, Mr. Library! Oh, my old friends! You four! Never gotten to know your names, but how are my books? How are they doing? They're wonderful. They're great.
Starting point is 01:14:23 We love them so much that we're looking at maybe expanding out the old library or doing some more reading. Somebody choose to roll Deception for saying that they're going great. I have the plus six on Deception, so I'll do that.
Starting point is 01:14:36 Yes. 17. Okay, so he's going to roll Perception. He believes you. He goes, oh, it always warms the cockles of my what would be a heart if it were there
Starting point is 01:14:45 to hear that my books are being taken care of. What brings you back? Did you come to return them? Of course. Oh, we're still working our way through them. We're still enjoying them. You know, we're giving them a second read just to make sure we really soak it up. Yeah, we're doing a roundtable.
Starting point is 01:14:57 We each read a few of them. A book club. Yes, a book club. So we're not all done with all of them yet. It took us a long time to find bookmark. So now that we can finally with all of them yet. It took us a long time to find Bookmark. You've met Bookmark! Yeah, a swell gal girl.
Starting point is 01:15:17 She's a girl. Girls can be named Mark. I love her. Tell me more about what you love about Bookmark. Just she really keeps track of where I am her. Tell me more about what you love about Bookmark. Just she really keeps track of where I am emotionally. Oh, she's very good at that. Yes, yes, yes. Roll deception.
Starting point is 01:15:34 Fifteen. Yeah, that's exactly what she does. Real emotional support, Bookmark is. And that's it. All right. That's fair. We don't have to talk about her again. So what brings you here? Well, we were in the market for two books um two uh for one we were wondering if you
Starting point is 01:15:52 have any books that might help someone get out of a blood pact like that they got into oh of a blood pact let me see let me see we'll help if you have specifics i have the copy of the blood pact right here oh that would be. I have the copy of the blood pact right here. Oh, that would be wonderful. And you take out the blood pact from your wallet and the muffled noise of Grant's image screaming in it turns into, ah, as you unfold it. I put my fingers in my ears. I can't hear it.
Starting point is 01:16:16 And the library looks at it and it goes like, ooh, this is a doozy. You fucked this up right good. Let me check our inventory. And he grabs the sides of his mouth and just begins to pull like wide open. What? And the mouth stays the way that it is once he lets go of it. It's just like massive, this massive fucking mouth now.
Starting point is 01:16:33 And he reaches in with his both arms that like seem to get longer and like develop new elbows like a fucking cockroach. And he just like is scrounging around inside of himself. And you see his belly moving and shit. God. And he pulls out a book that says dark packs and how to break them, and he slams it on the table, and a bunch of slime comes off from it. This ought to do the trick. All right.
Starting point is 01:16:55 Well, yeah, we'd love to check this out. Okay. Since you already have some books checked out, I will need something as collateral. Oh, that's right. Like what? Like, oh, a hand. Any hand? Like one of yours. One of my hands. You'll get it back
Starting point is 01:17:08 when the book comes back. Well, will we get it reattached? Of course. It's not just going to be a decomposing hand. No, no, no. I'm not a monster. No, I'll give you the hand back in its original shape. I'll just magically remove it and magically put it back. Dead huddle. Dead huddle. We need to decide which of us would look
Starting point is 01:17:24 coolest with a hook for a hand. I mean, definitely Glenn, but I don't think any of us should be giving up a hand. I need both of my hands, man. These are my money makers. I'll say this. My riff machines. Question, Mr. Library. Yes. Do we have to return all our books to get our hand back or just the ones we checked out for this deal? Just the ones you checked out for this deal. Okay, so we'll just read
Starting point is 01:17:40 it and give it back to him. We can read it and get it back and then you get your hand back afterwards. I don't see what's wrong with that. What do you mean your hand? Does it hurt when you take it off? Oh, very much so. Okay. So there is one more book we'd like to check out. Okay.
Starting point is 01:17:54 We're doing research for a story that we're writing. I love stories. It's actually like a sort of pro library story because it's about someone who checks out books and then doesn't return them and then tries to run a scam whereby he's going to try to hoodwink the library that he rented them from.
Starting point is 01:18:14 Cautionary tale. So we were wondering if you, just for research purposes, had any books on how to get out of paying your library fees. All right, roll persuasion. I got an 18.
Starting point is 01:18:26 He goes, ooh, always happy to help with a little cautionary tale for the kiddies. I gotta keep you kids in line, he says, like looking at the little kids. And they're like, ah. And he's like, yeah, the screaming won't be pretend when you, if you, uh. Yes, let me get out the library bylaws. And then he stares at you like blankly for a second. And then he just jams his entire hand up his nose. And then he stares at you like blankly for a second and then he just jams his entire hand up his nose
Starting point is 01:18:46 and he goes, oh! And grabs something. There's like a crunching noise. It's very Total Recall. And then he fucking pulls it out, wipes the struts off of it and it's a pamphlet
Starting point is 01:18:58 and he hands it to you and it says the rules of the library. Okay. All right. So, Daryl, give him your hand so we can check these books out. One hand. My hand should be good enough for both these books, right? All right, so he puts out his hand it to you and it says uh the rules of the library okay um all right so daryl give him your hand so we can check these books out one hand my hand should be good enough for both these books right all right so he puts out his hand he goes why don't you give me a shake let me be the judge
Starting point is 01:19:11 bust my hand out and i grab it and i'm a firm hand we're gonna do opposing strength checks that is uh 17 you crush the bones in his hand and like not just that, but his hand, the skin of it is a lot softer than you expected. Moisturizes. Some of the skin just slides off of his fingers while blood shoots out of the knuckles. And it goes like, ooh, good boy. Good, strong boy. Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you there, buddy. Oh, no, it was great.
Starting point is 01:19:39 It was very impressive. Yes, I will take just one of your hands then. We'll get it right back, Daryl. It's going to be fine. So easy for you to say, Henry. But look, whatever needs to happen for Grant. All right, I put my left hand out. And then you shake it all about.
Starting point is 01:19:54 All right, you might not want to look while I do this. I stare at my hand. All right. He leans over and goes, blah. And his tongue comes out and slowly curls around your hand and then just constricts. And he goes, I told you not to look. This is going to be very bad.
Starting point is 01:20:10 Why are you talking to me while you do this? I just wanted you to know. And then it starts like rotating like a fucking chain and a chainsaw. And it just goes. And then it just starts fucking rotating around your hand so hard and the friction of his sandpapery tongue
Starting point is 01:20:24 just like fucking grinds through your wrist. I start vomiting at him. He goes, that's what I thought. That makes sense. And the vomit's just hitting his face. Because you're looking at him. This is horrible. This is so bad.
Starting point is 01:20:38 And after. Somebody hold my hand. Which one? My other hand. It's gone. I hold Daryl's other hand. It's going to be okay other hand. It's gone. I hold Daryl's other hand. It's gonna be okay, buddy. Just hang on.
Starting point is 01:20:49 And you feel your hand just getting less and less worn away by his tongue, and then eventually, mercifully, after, you know, far too long, there is a sickening crack, and then the sickening thump as your hand hits the ground. The library goes, whoo! And he wipes you off of his tongue, and he goes, that was an ordeal.
Starting point is 01:21:05 That is one of the meatiest wrists I've seen in quite some time, my boy. And he picks up the hand and then goes down the hole and then flicks it into the air and then opens up his gullet again and just, and goes right into his stomach.
Starting point is 01:21:15 He goes, I'll keep a deficit of keeping until you bring the book back. Way to take one for the team, Daryl. Give the man a hand. Oh my God, are you okay? All right. Daryl passes out before he heard that.
Starting point is 01:21:26 Every case is D4. Il passes out before he heard that. Everybody gets a D4. I take two damage as I heard that. Let's prop Daryl up so that when he wakes up, he doesn't swallow his tongue in his sleep or something. Put him in the recovery pose. Yeah, put him in the recovery pose. Is the wound, is it just bleeding profusely? Is it cauterized?
Starting point is 01:21:39 It is cauterized. Okay. So no bleeding. It looks mangled and nasty, but there's no blood that you can tell. It just kind of, there's flaps of skin going in there. It's a cauterized. Okay. So no bleeding. It's just, it looks mangled and nasty, but there's no blood that you can tell. It just like kind of, there's flaps of skin going in there. It's like, it's a whole thing. Okay.
Starting point is 01:21:50 I start waking up. Okay, Daryl, don't look at your hand, okay? Just look over there. Look over there. I had this crazy dream where I threw a football to you, Henry. I like reached back and I see my hand and I pass out again. You're like Niles seeing blood. Why don't you guys pour through the book about the pact
Starting point is 01:22:07 and I'll read this library pamphlet and then we can get Daryl's hand back. I'm not the strongest reader, just so you know. That's okay. If you win, just, you know, anything that leaps out at you, just, you know, just say it out loud. The Blood Pact and you. Okay.
Starting point is 01:22:27 That's one page down. One page down. Reading the pamphlet about the library, you can see that if you can make the library guilty of any killable crimes in his own eyes, so basically if you can make him fail to return a book on time or destroy a book or
Starting point is 01:22:43 any of those kinds of things, then he'll be equally guilty of carrying out that punishment and he'll have to do it to himself. So he'll have to rip off and eat his own skin. But in the eons that he's existed, nobody's ever managed to, that's never happened because he loves books so much. So if we get him to destroy one of his own books, he will... He'll have to punish himself by the rules that he uh adheres to okay so that's the big loophole that you find in the book about blood packs so there's a one other way of getting out of the blood pack which is that if the victim of the blood pack if their inherent nature changes
Starting point is 01:23:17 either their their moral alignment or their physical uh species or like status then they can no longer be the object of the curse. So if Grant got turned into another creature, transmogrified into something else, or turned completely evil so that his inner nature would change or whatever, then he would be essentially a different person. What if we get him from chaotic good to lawful good?
Starting point is 01:23:40 That's not a no. It's got to be pure good being evil, or it's got to be... What if he went through puberty? Oh, that's interesting. What if he became a man? That's actually really good. If you can make him a man within 24 hours of meeting him...
Starting point is 01:23:55 This sounds like a really bad 80s raunchy comedy. You've never fucked a goat? Road trip! Road trip! It's a five second pan. The monster's playing. What if we show him a bunch of like men's rights activist videos on youtube yeah if we turn him into an incel if you did that that
Starting point is 01:24:13 would definitely change who he is a player you can tell you i'm not gonna let that happen yeah from what you know he's a grant he is generally a nice kid he's not what was if we turn him into like a gopher and then turn him back into grant then the second he comes back into grant the pack reactivates unless you can get any of the other things happen in the meantime it looks like we're gonna have to use this deck of cards everybody um hey we're done with these books can i have my hand back oh already i mean do we need anything else um no i think we got everything we needed from the books all right well let me warm up the old let me warm up the old tongue lash again. I'm not going to look this time.
Starting point is 01:24:48 He goes, good idea. He vomits your hand back out. Is it like a, he like a couple of hands comes out and he has to find Daryl's? He goes, which one is yours?
Starting point is 01:24:58 Which one of these? Is it the one with the ring? Is it the one with the long nails? Which one? Tell me which one you want. How well do you actually know the back of your hand? I know my wedding hand? It's that one. I know my wedding ring. It's that one. I'm sad I didn't
Starting point is 01:25:08 take it off before. I shake it to see if it feels familiar. Hey, how's that shake feel there, Ron? Not as strong as it normally does. So he grabs the hand that is your hand and just sort of jams it into the stump. Again, do not look! And his tongue comes out again, but now
Starting point is 01:25:23 instead of being like finn and sand papery it's like a beaver's tail and he just like pats the top of your the fucking hand of the thing and like your hand and the stump kind of almost act like clay and you can see them just like sort of smooshing into one another and he's like pop pop pop pop pop and he does it under your hand or whatever and then uh he gives it a little a little kiss and then it's uh and then it's all it's it's already it's good as new it's just backwards the thumbs the other way he's like you can make that work right no no fix it all right fine and he just breaks it and reattaches it and it's all it's fine again all right just everybody knows anthony was like making tongue
Starting point is 01:26:01 motions when he was doing that too which is very very disturbing. Well, that's a crazy thing we did that has no lasting consequences. Well, I suppose we should sally forth and... We need to get the heat away from us as we're doing this tournament here. And I know they're going to be coming here. So what better way of making them think like we've skedaddled than if we drove off
Starting point is 01:26:23 and then like, you know know hit it well and then they'll be looking for us not at this tournament oh so like we drive off in the opposite direction yeah and then we hide the van we come back we go into the shuttle into town aaron give us a ride on the trees or something we can like you know hide i can cover you and the the you can use some oh yeah some of the trees can probably glamour the the van a little tree garage for the van yeah nice yeah that's what we do so you just do that it's it's easy it doesn't nothing about that involves roles because all your friends working together and stuff so that's we meet any fun characters that we can ask their whole backstory and uh-huh yeah they'll be in a side
Starting point is 01:26:58 episode it'll be it'll be in a in a i can't remember what animes call it when it's like a parallel episode that's not related that you come back to later like Gaiden or something. We actually just ran into that BDSM woman and if we get another 2000 patrons, we'll do another BDSM episode. The snake that you rescued from that one jailer there, he's real fun. You see Gartok again. It's a whole thing.
Starting point is 01:27:19 Okay, so you get on the shuttle? Yeah, so we hide. So we've hidden our stuff away. Tire tracks are leading in the other direction. And we sort of dust our hands off like, all right, let's go to this tournament. Okay, so you get on a shuttle. So what does the shuttle look like? So the shuttle is seemingly just a normal carriage with some horses in front of it.
Starting point is 01:27:36 But the driver of the carriage looks back and he goes, all right, just so you guys know, we're going to get a little high. The altitude is going to get a little intense. You're probably going to fall asleep. Don't worry. I got your back. What a cool ass shuttle driver. Fucking cool.
Starting point is 01:27:48 The horses start galloping. And then the sound of their galloping begins to get lighter and lighter. And it's confusing. And then the galloping stops altogether. But you're still moving. And the horses take off into the sky because they sprout wings. And they're like, Pegasi. And you go into the sky.
Starting point is 01:28:03 And as he promised, you begin to get a little lightheaded. And he goes, also, I'm going to meet up with another one of these shuttles. They're a, Pegasi. And you go into the sky, and as he promised, you begin to get a little lightheaded, and he goes, also, I'm gonna meet up with another one of these shuttles. They're a little overloaded, so we're gonna get some other guests, so when you wake up, there's some new people. Don't freak out. They'll just be on your team.
Starting point is 01:28:14 You all are on a team. Boy, a whole team of knights. Yeah, well, it's you guys and one other guy. As you go into the sky, you begin to fall asleep, and then when you wake up, you're in the sky in this carriage that's floating above uh meadow shade which you can see is this big field with all these different outcroppings there's little buildings somewhere and there's mountains over there and there's like a big
Starting point is 01:28:31 building looks like a toilet over there and it's all kinds of shit you you begin to wake up yeah yeah yeah whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa no you don't yeah you're all groggy or whatever. And you see Grant is sitting in the front seat. Oh, my God. And he wakes up and he goes like, Dad, Grant. Oh, my God. Oh, I close my eyes. I try to run. OK, so you run out of the carriage.
Starting point is 01:28:56 You open the door of the carriage and begin to run out. And like you stumble and fall. Are you going to try to grab onto the thing? Yeah, I was thinking more like I turn and like probably hit a wall or something. But sure, whatever. Whatever you want to have. I don't want to fall out but you know okay so you so you begin to fall but then you grab like yeah so you just grab onto the sides but you're like by your fingernails or whatever and then grant comes over and he goes like whoa oh
Starting point is 01:29:14 okay okay let me and he tries to pull you up but you're too heavy and he goes it's fine uh i mean we were gonna the question i was gonna ask you when I saw you was where we drop in. You see a bunch of other carriages coming over. Are you fucking kidding me? This is so bad. And he goes like, are you fucking kidding me? It's four nights. Four nights. Oh my God.
Starting point is 01:29:36 Are you kidding me? God damn it. I look at Grant. I pull myself up. And I tears my eyes and I hug him real tight. Oh, Fortnite. I pull myself up and I tears my eyes and I hug him real tight. Oh, Fortnite.
Starting point is 01:29:48 I get it. It'll be alright It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright It'll be alright Cause that's just life All you do is try It'll be alright Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson Anthony Burch as RDM
Starting point is 01:30:22 Will Campos as Henry Oak Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Additional audio engineering this week by Chad Ellis. Chad was super helpful when we were starting out this podcast. And he had a lot of good tips for narrative and audio drama podcasts. So you check out his podcast.
Starting point is 01:30:40 It's called Station Blue. It's an atmospheric horror audio drama about a guy working as a caretaker of an Antarctic research facility. And that's at stationbluepodcast.com or just search Station Blue. Special thanks this week to Ryan, Carson Kelleher, Caitlin Marquardt, Johnny Stanton, Bryce Baker, Scott McLaren, Nicole Milan, Nadia Willis, and M. Stare for submitting names, items, and trivia questions that we used in this episode. for submitting names items and trivia questions that we used in this episode also thank you to andrew perkins christopher pete liz hastings philip beddingfield and emma stolman who are some of the now over 1 000 stalwart individuals who support us on patreon speaking of which we hit our stretch goal this last week of a thousand patrons and i think i speak for everyone on this podcast when i say how totally and truly blown away we are by that insane fact.
Starting point is 01:31:25 And as promised, we are now gearing up to do a canon prequel campaign that Anthony is going to run called In the Mountains of Dadness using the Call of Cthulhu RPG system and featuring us playing as the dad's grandfathers. We're very excited about that. So head on over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads to keep up to date on the progress of that. This week, we're also releasing issue two of Daddy Issues, the in-character PDF newsletter featuring more great movie reviews by Ron, some strategy and tactics for the game of Pinochle by Daryl, as well as a look at some non-D&D RPG systems for beginner DMs from Anthony.
Starting point is 01:31:57 The address again, patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Dungeons and Daddies is also on Twitter. We're at Dungeons and Dads. Bit.ly slash Dun twitter we're at dungeons and dads bit.ly slash dungeon dads for a private facebook group r slash dungeons and daddies for that subreddit where there's plenty of good memes and episode discussion to go around thank you again for listening our next episode is coming at you september 17th so we will see you all then so while will is getting his chair i on i did i got it already on youtube i continue to steal my part of the intro i search star wars jizz and there's a playlist called Star Wars Jizz Music. So if you're curious as to what we're talking about, go ahead and go to YouTube.
Starting point is 01:32:50 Henry's dad fact.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.