Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 18 - MMMPop!

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

The tournament is on as the dads scramble to survive. Henry stretches, Glenn gets his hands dirty, Ron grows a few inches and establishes some key measurements, while Darryl embarrasses his son in front of his new friends.This episode contains profanity, violence, and drug/alcohol use.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Yeah, I'm gonna have to get down there and slam some brewskis with my butts. Today's play comes from the Meadow Shades Four Knights competition. Early game, two zones down. We've got Goose Moose Van Gloose. Love me the Gloose. Going toe-to-toe against rookie team the Doodlers. And things do not go well for the downtown drow down in Zone G. No, sir, they do not.

Let's get into the action. Doodlers here laying low, going for the camping strategy. But Van Gloose is not fooled. Comes in hot with the magic missile. Boom goes the window. Van Gloose sprinting forward, going for the camping strategy, but Van Cleus is not fooled. Comes in hot with the magic missile. Boom goes the window. Van Cleus sprinting forward going for the dive and stopped mid-air. That's the magic of the reviser right there.

Doodler Henry Oak trapping Van Cleus in the window by casting Healing Wood. Some lightning quick wordplay and teammate Glenn Close following that up immediately with a quick cast to hold person and that drow is going nowhere. Now here's where things get interesting. Just as Daryl Wilson pivots his son away from the imminent carnage,

the doodlers get locked in a debate about the ethics of murder. What a quagmire! Glenn Close sidestepping with a clutch rationalization while Oak and Stampler struggle to seal the deal until... Boom shakalaka! Daryl Wilson takes the lead and blows Van Gloose away. Let's go now to the Bullybugs. Wag this way. Slow-mo kill cam for a closer look. Check

out this teamwork. Right before Grant Wilson turns around, Henry Oak grabbing the smoking shotty from his old man's hands, and Stampler giving him the credit for the kill. Now that's what I call parenting. With moves like that, it's no wonder a mysterious masked man has stormed into the game to take these doodlers down.

That's right. No more eye in the sky. All bets are off. Who knows if the doodlers are getting out of this predicament. You know, all in all, some exciting action there coming out of Meadowshade. And that's the play of the day. Up next, the latest on the unfortunate foster children leaks, performance enhancing potion scandal. How young is too young to start using them? Because they're legal, right? Oh, absolutely oh absolutely legal i mean what's the point yeah welcome to dungeons and daddies occasionally a bdM podcast. Actually, it's a D&D podcast. It's about four dads. I was just going to say, um, actually, it's a D&D podcast.

Also, I kind of miss the pseudo BDSM times. What do you mean? You mean you miss when we had our innocence? Yeah, there hasn't been a lot of sexy times in a long time. It's been mostly murder. Guys, give Freddie a break. He's just trying to introduce the world to our podcast they've never listened to it before my name is glenn close nope it's freddie

wong and i play glenn close i mean character is so i made the will campus mistake uh the rock and roll bard dad of the group and this week's dad fact about glenn close with the actual area 51 raid now come and gone i'm sure we all have ufos and aliens on the mind and just a little story about glenn specifically about the uh three ufo videos that got released by fellow rock and roll star tom delonge a good friend of glenn close is actually blink 182 star was responsible for the release of free videos from the u.s navy declassified titled floor one gimbal and go fast those of you ufo fnags out there wait there's no is it sonic the go fast one no yeah that's the one where they actually captured side the hedgehog on radar the upcoming documentary jim carrey uh here's glenn close's hot take on flur gimbal and go fast uh those are easily explained by a weather balloon or some sort of stationary balloon,

some kind of distant jet or some kind of passenger airplane, or any of those things. Hence the names, Gimbal, et cetera, et cetera. They're secretly telling you what they actually are. The real secret is why is Tom DeLonge, his fellow rock star, now working for the government to put this interference out there? That's the real conspiracy, folks. What do they have on Tom? What do they have on Tom?

What do they have on Bleak 182 guitarist Tom DeLonge? They don't have any big things on Tom, but they do have all the small things. No. No. Holy shit. Yes. Oh.

We're back, baby. What's up, everyone? I'm going to take that opportunity to introduce myself. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, Birkenstock Rockin', granola crunchin', munchie, hippie, nature druid dad. This week's dad fact about Henry Oak is this. We've all heard Henry's favorite TV show. We've all heard Henry's favorite drink.

But did you know that Henry's favorite radio station is the wind? That's right! 103.1 KWND, the wind. Serving Sam Demas all the classic cuts from the 60s, 70s, 80s and more. You're listening to the wind.

As the husband of a classical rock DJ, I mean, you are a walking betrayal. Oh shit, I didn't think about that. I was so

excited for my win. Double trap card reversal. Okay, alright. Disgusting. Second favorite. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's canon. He doesn't have to patronize his wife by justgusting. Second favorite. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's canon. I said it. He doesn't have to patronize his wife by just saying hers is the favorite.

Yeah, you know, they have a relationship based on honesty. All right, well, you guys will worry about Daryl getting divorced. If you said it to her, she would know you're lying. Because she's seen the look on your face when the wind is blowing really nicely. Henry has a very special relationship with the wind. It was the station he listened to in college. It was the station he listened to when he fell in love with mercedes-o garcia don't you take this from him it's one of the few great classic rock stations left in that part of california they've all been

bought up by clear channel but 103.1 the wind still plays the classic cuts they still let the djs do what they want okay cool uh my name is bethany and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and a rogue. Fun fact about Ron is that actually his favorite radio station is Mercedes. Mercedes O. Garcia's station. No, no, no, no. Ron doesn't listen to the radio. I have never seen Beth this mad in the entire time I've known her. She's legitimately offended.

Ron feels like an AM radio kind of guy. I'm sure he would be looking on his body for antennae to listen to the radio. I like the idea that Ron's never listened to the radio, and someday somebody steps in the car and just turns it on. What the hell? Actual, real real canon ron fact is that he had a tummy ache during the first part of the fortnight um i you know uh thing but he was too manly to say anything so uh it eventually went away and that's great that's that's it like all good problems if you're a man you just sort of bury it

and it eventually disappears. Exactly. Hi, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson as dad, home coach dad who's now a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms and a little dad fact

about Daryl since I got that grill. So Daryl loves barbecue and he still uses his dad's original PK grill which is an old school charcoal grill from the 19...

They started in 1952 so he has his dad's grill which is from old school charcoal grill from the 19. They started in 1952. So he has his dad's grill, which is from 1954. One of the originals. He knows propane is better, but gosh, darn it. He knows how to use charcoal. Just like little UFOs. Yeah, they're, they're great. They do what they need to do.

They heat up, they get hot and you cook the meat on it. And he loves pork ribs and, and brisket. He hates both Carol and Grant love chicken, which he thinks is just a big waste of time on the barbecue. Like, why the hell are you cooking bird on the barbecue? Did you say he hates Carol? Maybe if Roy didn't slip. He hates that Carol and Grant like barbecue chicken. The only thing that

he likes to eat on the barbecue chicken is the skin, and he's been thinking about that a lot recently. Hoisted on his own petard. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master, and canonically, I'm yourard. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. And canonically, I'm your dad. I'm also your dad. Some long, awkward conversations

with everyone's moms to be had in the upcoming week. At least have sex with all of your moms. Yeah, they loved it. Don't get me wrong. It was great. Everybody had a good time. Everyone. Seven out of ten, at least. I'm sorry I haven't been around as much. But I'm trying to make do. I'm trying to at least. I'm sorry I haven't been around as much. But I'm trying to make do. I'm trying to make better.

I'm here now, aren't I? Honestly, learning that, I'm going to cancel my therapist tomorrow. I mean, you and I already have maybe the most complicated psychoanalytic relationship two human beings can have. We're each other's dads.

Cosplaying as you in a podcast. Special thing going on this week. Beth has graduated from the Dice Tower, a relationship two human beings can have. We're each other's dads. Cosplaying as you in a podcast. Special thing going on this week. Beth has graduated from the Dice Tower, which you've heard in the background of all the previous episodes, to a dice tray. This one sent in, actually, by listener John Nicholson.

This is a zebra wood, laser engraved dice tray. Made from the bones of a zebra. That's right. Made from dead zebras. John, this is so cool. Like, I didn't know that it was for me, really. And I, like, called dibs on it immediately.

I was like, I need this. It's so cool. If I don't score good dice rolls, though, I will blame you. No, I'm just kidding. Can you roll a d20 on it? Roll one. Just give it the first roll. What do you get?

I'll give you a roll. What do we got? Natural 20. Just kidding. It's a two. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. But, John, thank you so much.

It's like literally it's beautiful. It's so exquisite. Will it be enough to tame Beth's wild dice rolls? Only time will tell. Probably not. By the way, just as a quick shout out, John has a company called Brave Burn Crafted Goods. It's on the internet. Brave Burn, one word.

Do a Google search. We also link to it in our Twitter. So thanks very much, John. Thank you, John. So to summarize what happened last time, you jumped into a game of Four Nights, which is Fortnite. It's a battle royale game.

After Grant explained all the rules to you, you jumped down, you went into the PUBG tavern, you immediately sort of made a little base for yourself. You found a gun. You found a gun because you had a really good investigation roll. You found the only gun in this game so far. And then promptly, upon

the approach of a dark elf, you used your healing wood spell, which is not a real spell, but you got to use it because you're a visor of like alphabetical manipulation. You trapped him in there. Then you paralyzed him like a sad one in the poo. And then Daryl shot it in the face and killed it in one hit. And then Grant stood up and saw Henry Oak holding the smoking gun.

And Ron very wisely then said, what the fuck, Henry? And so currently Grant thinks that Henry murdered that guy and not his dad. Shot him in self-defense uh okay i feel i feel like we'll leave it to the audience since he's a drow wouldn't that be elf defense oh god oh boy brilliant brilliant uh will you get advantage of real six d4 first damage we've taken in fort. Yeah. I got three damage. Two damage. I took three damage from Will's incredible dad joke. So Will's got inspirations.

Whatever you want, you can spend on it. I gave him three out of four stars on that dad joke. Will, couldn't you be satisfied with just your cool healing wood thing? Like, isn't that enough for you for a while? That was last week. My self-esteem has a giant hole in the bottom of it that drains out. Will is a professional writer. I'm a little concerned that if we have 18 other groups to kill,

that Anthony's going to judge us on everyone for being murder and not self-defense. Yeah, this is part of the rules of the game. You have to kill 18 people. Oh, hello, murderers. Well, we talked about this last time geez anthony what is this spec ops the line look what look what you've done don't you love killing people you're a pervert for playing this game yeah no i mean we were literally talking about this last week because i was like oh no i need to find some way of making that not happen again because it made

our comedy podcast suddenly very not funny because of the design of it. But then I realized there's literally no way for me to plan for that to not happen because you're all role-playing as characters that have functioning moral compasses and Dungeons & Dragons is predicated on the idea that your characters do not. And because we're all dangerous as people.

We've got that edge. I'll try my best to make them all puppy stomping Nazis, but we'll just sort of see how it works out. At the end my best to make them all, you know, puppy stomping Nazis, but we'll just sort of see how it works out. At the end, after you murdered, well, killed in self-defense maybe, after someone was shot in the face by someone, Greg Proops from Phantom Menace announcer in the hot air balloon that was over the Fortnite map

was shot down by a rocket, and then a mildly familiar sounding voice picked up the microphone that they had and said that even though normally a Fortnite game can end with a lot of people just sort of hungering down and waiting for it to end, whoever this guy is is determined that he's going to kill you before the game is up.

He is not in this to win. He is in this to get rid of all of you. So he made this murder game even more murderous. Yeah, but he's clearly the bad guy there, right? I mean, he's coming for you specifically. He also murdered Greg Proops. Yeah, he murdered two innocent. I mean, okay, those announcers are not that innocent.

Can I just say one thing, though? There's one really, really important thing. How did they not get Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles to be the two heads of the fucking announcer in Star Wars? That's why Fenton Manis was bad. Greg should have fallen on the sword and been like, no, this would be better as a Colin and Ryan joint yeah

anyway we can continue the podcast I just wanted to get that off my chest if it weren't for that phantom menace would be fucking great that was the one flaw in the diamond that is Star Wars the phantom menace

we've talked about how phantom menace is the best of the prequels right that's just an objective fact the best of the Star Wars-ies okay so we're just gonna move on no before this gets too bad

we're just gonna keep going I would put phantom menace. I'll put fan mess above. I'll put at the top of the prequels. At the top of the prequels and at the top of the sequels. That's insane. You just said a bunch of insane things. I'm gonna move on past that. So the 15 minutes has started now. I believe it's Armory, Bomb Makers,

Egg Farm, and Ice Cream. A, B, E, and I, those zones, will be filled with poison. Oh man, last chance to get ice cream, guys. Currently, Zone G, the tavern, is not in any danger. But everybody roll perception. I got a five. Oh yes, natural 20 perception roll. I got 12.

I got a 22. Oh wow, Jesus. Okay, so Glenn and Henry, with your 20 slash over 20 rolls, you can see a very buff gray humanoid with a brown cloak over his shoulders, sort of hunched over. I'm looking at a picture of him right now in D&D and beyond, and he's very Solomon Grundy-esque. You see him before he sees you. You basically can see him crest a hill nearby, and he sees the bar, but he can't tell whether or not anyone is inside of it. And he looks like he's hunting for blood, right?

I mean, he's just walking. You can't really tell. He's got a natural 20. Does it give me any sort of perception? Okay, with a natural 20, I'll tell you what items he has. He's got what looks to be a wand with a flaming end. It's not like a torch. It's like a magical one that's got these little flames that are orbiting around the sides of it. And he's got looks to be a couple of green herbs. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, baby. This guy's my new best friend. Hey, guys, guys. Yeah, I think this guy's got some righteous herb.

What are you guys? Okay. All right, so guys, somebody's coming after us. Does anybody recognize that voice? I don't know. We pissed a lot of people off on this journey of ours. I'm a little worried. It could be CERN.

Do you think maybe it's CERN? No, it couldn't be certain. I'm not, I can't even bring myself to say the funny thing I was going to say. Are you certain? I didn't say it. Anthony said it.

So we don't take it. It's okay. Henry, the gal's humor is good in times like this. I appreciate it. This is gosh, boy, I'm just feeling so many things right now. There is also a fairly large Solomon Grundy-esque gentleman lumbering towards us. Does anyone know the classic DC movie villain character Solomon Grundy,

born on a Monday, et cetera, et cetera? He's like a big gray guy i think that was a deep pull that anthony made to say solomon grundy i don't know that people were gonna follow along with my bad guys he's like a big scary looking guy yeah he's like frankensteinian he kind of looks like a frankenstein's monster dude but with long white hair uh white hair silver yeah exactly okay is he coming towards us what was he doing he is basically looking at the bar you can see sort of in his head, he's going like, you know,

do I go in, do I explore this? Or it is boarded up. Could people still be inside? Maybe they left. He's like sort of deciding what he's going to do with this, but he's definitely thinking about the bar right now.

So. Stay still. Everyone should just stay quiet. I think we got to lay low and observe. If you don't move, they can't see you. Okay. He's going to roll perception, let's say. Ooh, that's a 21. with that good of a perception roll i think he can just tell that there are multiple people inside does he react to seeing the dead

body of spruce bruce man spruce bigelow important question does he still have the pant belt on his face is he still just two pairs of pants like we, we kicked him out of the hole. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took the holographic belt back. Oh, okay. So he sees the corpse there. What's he gonna do? What kind of bad boy is this? I'm gonna give him a wisdom roll to see if he can decide whether or not he's gonna go after you. It would be wise to not attack

you. Some bad mother... He did not do well on his wisdom roll. Is he a dumb boy? So he's a dumb boy. Oh, silly. Now I've sympathized with him. He's not like nice dumb boy so he he's a dumb boy so I've sympathized with him so he he's like nice dumb he's like murdery down Daryl Daryl what he's coming this way so what was the plan we're supposed to

lure him in here and then set this place on fire we're a little late for that we don't have any booty traps booty traps booty traps man your key play those at the booty trap house is that man or they play music and sell drugs? Matthew, booty traps. It's been a long day, guys.

There's a lot going on right now. Can you guys talk about booty traps? It's more appropriate than booby traps in a way. That's true. If you think about it. I'm more of a booty trap guy. I'm more of a personality trap man. Okay. All right. of a personality trap man. Okay.

All right. There's another guy coming. So Grant looks out the window and he sees the wand on the guy's side and he goes, that's a flame wand. He can basically use it to cast fireball. I've seen that used before. Oh, we're in the big wood building. Soaked in alcohol.

Oh. Hey, Grant. Yeah. What's up, man? What about the herbs on his belt though i think those are healing herbs i guess in some cultures the mary jane has been used as a heal okay all right grant grant yeah how quickly can we build stone structures uh like if you were the one designing the game and you were the dungeon master like how do you just say we build it and it pops up like

the video game fortnight or is it more like this enchanted building that's happening like do we just like magically suddenly are able to build yeah the resources are a little bit enchanted so they do sort of pop up quicker than you imagine and they are based off of your intention rather than your martial ability with actually like building things hey this is really handy daryl but that said if a guy's looking at us i mean it'll take us a couple of minutes to build anything which means you know meta means like five ten rounds of combat gentlemen follow my lead what are you gonna do henry i open the door he raises the wand immediately i put my arm around grant kind of like pull him back a little bit in

case something happens say hey back off man that's spruce, man. That's Spruce Vuce Mangloose. He's the baddest boy in this game. And we just kicked his behind. And there's five of us and one of you. Ron's voice in the background. There's actually seven of us, eight of us. Ron throws his voice like an actor. We got a whole mess of angry people in here.

And we're tough as nails. So if you want to know what's good for you, I'd point that one elsewhere. And maybe join up with us and we can kick some butt together instead of us duking each other out, you know? Okay, Ron, roll deception. It's a natural one. Curse you, John.

Okay, so because this guy can tell that Ron lied about how many people were inside, you make your intimidation roll a disadvantage. But again, if you want to, you can spend your inspiration to cancel it out. I'm going to do that. That is a 20. A 20?

Not a natural 20, a 19 plus one. Okay, so he'll roll. He got a natural 20. So he goes, nah, I don't think so. And he fires the wand at basically you, actually directly at you. Yeah! So let's see.

When we passed out on the fortnight bus uh-huh did that count as a rest yeah okay so we're at full health right yeah minus the damage you just did to them with your dad yeah cool yeah i have an idea if he's doing fireball as the is he casting the fireball well if you want to get in something beforehand because you saw him coming i'll say you'll get one you know thing no at the exact moment that he cast the fireball tell me what you want to do i reach into one of my pockets of one of my pants and i pull out an egg oh i throw it oh shit at the fire trying to just get a simple fried egg out of it. Nobody gets hurt. No damage is done.

There is just a tasty treat at the end of this action. This was the magic egg. What magic does it do? It could have healed you. I thought you were going to give it to Henry because he's about to get hit by a fireball. It would have given him like... Oh, I thought I could just block the fireball if the egg takes the damage and and gets fried oh you know what oh i see okay i see what you're trying to do so make it convert that like a top gun like a like an anti-missile you're trying to shoot a

missile out of the air with an egg yeah it's countermeasures okay so roll uh give me a ranged attack roll with disadvantage because that's please tell me ron's like way in his past somewhere but again you also have inspiration so if you want to use that to cancel out the disadvantage it'll just be a normal sort of ranged attack roll i got three oh you got three okay so with your three uh the egg goes sailing through the air and uh as he shoots the fireball like the fireball when it comes out it's just a little spark and then progressively as it comes out it gets bigger and bigger and bigger and there's a moment where it seems like the egg is going to perfectly intersect with it but then the fireball just sort of keeps going and just completely fucking incinerates the egg like of course that

didn't work that would have never worked uh no it would have worked is the egg just gone it's incinerated it's completely gone remind me it was a healing it was a healing thing that you could have taken and like permanently increase your lowest ability score by one. Wow. Well, guys, if you want to win a war, you've got to crack some eggs and then lose that war. Okay. Beth offered us an egg in this trying time. So the egg. Exactly.

The egg is the first thing the fireball hits. The second thing the egg hits is Henry. Well, hold on. Shouldn't there be like a dexterity save or something? Yeah, that's what I was about to say. Oh, okay. Fuck, he's giving me. Slow your fucking roll.

I'm just saying we've literally never done a dexterity save in this entire podcast. This is the first one. Literally the first one. Welcome to episode 18, the first dexterity save. Okay, so Will, give me a dexterity saving throw. 22. Wow, okay, so you definitely succeeded.

So how do you dodge out of the way? I'm going to do a yoga pose. Oh, my God. Oh, man. From now on, I always need to ask you guys what you do, because that's very good. What's the yoga pose that gets you out of the way with Fireball? Is it the elevated crab where you're backwards and raised up?

That's like the exorcist. Yeah, it's like a kind of exorcist move. So you do like the neo-dodge that turns into the elevated crab. So yeah, you do the neo-dodge. Now, unfortunately, because of the way Fireball works, you still are going to take some damage, but it'll be half of what you normally would take.

So it goes right over you, hits the doorframe behind you, and explodes. And fire spreads everywhere, and you take... That's a lot of dice rolls I'm hearing. That's not even half of them. Just a second.

What? There's multiples. Just a second. What? There's multiples. Wow! Jesus! What is this? He's dividing you in half. I only wish the egg had been a better egg. So just to be clear, it's 8d6.

8d6? Yeah. How often can you use it? I mean, I guess we'll find out. Immediately, you see the fucking thing fizzle out. It was a one and done. I need to roll two more times. Sorry, guys what it's good thing you dodged it thank christ you dodged i don't know it still might be horrible because i rolled a six a three a six a six a three a four one and a five so 17 damage holy balls you take 17 damage

and the bar is now on fire from the front you all i assume are sort of nearish the back but at every turn it's going to spread further and further and eventually might take this place down unless you can find a way to extinguish it or get out. So now we should roll initiative because we're actually in combat. Okay.

Mamma mia! Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha. That's another natural 28 roll for initiative. I think I figured out what's happening is John's dice tower, it's, in the words of control, an object of power.

And the way it works is that it gives all of Beth's dice energy to our dice rolls. Actually, I just got a 19. Oh, shit. And I got a 7. I got to workshop this theory some more. I got a 4, technically. Okay, so the timer just went off, which means that those zones are currently filling with poison. But because we're going into combat mode, that kind of, like, fucking Matrix-wise slows everything down. uh so that it's not you know we're not going to worry about the real time 15 minutes

during this part it'll resume after the fight freddy it is your turn first all right so first move glenn's going to cast dissonant whispers i whisper a discordant melody that only one creature of our choice within range can hear racking it with terrible pain wisdom saving throw on a fail save it's 3d6 psychic and then immediately must move away from us as far as it can oh wow the dissonant whispers of course a horse whisper of pop yeah yeah yeah you leave hansen alone we do not be smirch hansen on this podcast what's the number he has to say that's the wisdom 14 saving throw? Ooh, he got a four. So three takes psychic and must immediately use this reaction. If available to move as far as its speed allows away from you.

The creature doesn't move on to obviously dangerous ground such as fire or a pit. He just freaks out because of the discordant melodies of Hanson. He grabs his head and goes at thick. And then what is this crap? I've never even heard this before, but it's the worst thing I've ever heard. Thick. I'm going to have this stuck in my head all day. This is no Red Brand Trailer's Christmas album. And then he turns around

and just kind of starts bolting. Guys, here's our chance. Let's get the fuck out of here. Should we try to save this place? No. I think it's going to go up. I think they've got a lot of alcohol and this place is going to be a giant fire. Basically, you have one round of all of you going and then I'm going to roll if there's any fire left. I'll roll with advantage.

If I get any higher than a 10, it's going to catch on to the bottles and start blowing some shit up. I think it's closing time, gentlemen. Grant, what's the good location to move to? The zones available to us are C for cafeteria, D for a deli slash slaughterhouse, F for fucking shit-ass toilet building,

H for haberdashery, and J for jewel cutters. Because we are in G, we could go to F or H right away because they're adjacent. Any others will have to pass through other zones. I like the toilet is not flammable. Haberdashery, that's plants, right? No, that's a hat place. Oh.

Yeah. The kids call them lids. Grant says, I do not. There's places just for hats? Yeah. It's like a cool place you can get hats with all your favorite sports teams on them. And, you know, then there's fancy hat places. I mean, the ones here are like magic and stuff.

They like do stuff. I think we should go to the hat place, guys. Now, the thing you need to know about fucking shit-ass toilet building is it has a very, very, very low chance when you search to have something like mind-blowingly incredible the idea is that if you search there it's all or nothing essentially you're not going to find anything that's like okay you're going to find literal shit or you're going to find like a legendary item i want to see this toilet building we're kind of in the middle of a fight right now so like i feel like he ran away chill but yeah he's running away that's right so you basically get two rounds of like running and maybe he'll chase after you maybe one look

i'm definitely down for not having to kill people if we don't have to, and it feels like the toilet might be the best place to set up defenses. Yeah. I got my axe. I don't need searching. The last thing we searched for was a gun, and I don't think I could pull another trigger today. So I like that. I feel like I have it after a lot of people are going to be there.

Grant says you need to pull the trigger. He's holding the trigger, like making the decision. Yeah, the royal says there's a like making the decision. The Royal says, and there's a gun went off today. We don't want to pull another. Both. You make deception. Will with disadvantage.

Cause Henry's bad at lying. I did a 17. I got a natural one. He can't tell that his own dad is lying to him, but he can definitely tell that Henry is lying to him. But I was very convincing. Yeah, you were,

but he was so deeply, deeply unconvincing. He critical failed, which means that not only is he pretty sure that you're lying, he now is going to have a harder time trusting you in the future. So his face just goes like slack when he realizes like what happened. He says, you,

you shot that guy. Yeah, I shot that guy. Grant, why did you lie to me? Because it was, it was a lot. Fuck it. No, let's fucking, yeah, let's go to the toilet. Yeah. All right. That sounds Grant. Why did you lie to me? Because it was a lot in that moment. It didn't matter.

Let's go. No, let's fucking, yeah, let's go to the toilet. Yeah, fuck it. That sounds great. Let's do that. I'm glad that we're doing this because, to be honest, my tummy was kind of hurting earlier. Oh, was it?

Yeah, sounds great, Ron. Sounds great. Let's go to the fucking toilet building. Fantastic. Here we go. Which way is it, Grant? Fuck you, follow me. What do you think I'm doing?

Jesus Christ, follow me. Okay, so the timer started again. We're out of of combat to be clear glenn single-handedly won that combat point that all out glenn i really appreciate the way you handled that without us having to uh get our hands dirty now i got hansen stuck in my head man dang hey what was that tune you were singing i really liked it i was a song called mbop you guys know mbop i don't but it sounds delightful you know i know it was a bop. Next time I'm listening to the- We're here.

The Robert. No, we definitely have a moment. We have one of those shots, like the big helicopter shot and like fellowship of the ring as we're all climbing up a mountain, but Mbop is playing. Mbop is playing in the bars on fire behind you

with a faceless elf there. Okay, so you arrive and so every time you guys travel from one zone to another, I reduce the real-time timer by five minutes. We have 10 minutes left before the next two zones get announced. So at Zone F, the big toilet building.

So it's basically just a bunch of really shitty ramshackle little sheds that kind of just seemingly exists to provide cover. And then one building that has a massive sculpture of a toilet on the top of it that just literally smells like feces. So you get the feeling that people have actually in the longer games of four nights, people have used this place as a literal actual toilet. Wow. How big is the toilet? The toilet is like two stories tall.

The building it's in is one story tall. And then the toilet on top of it is two stories. Structurally is this like a toilet in that there's a bowl, there's a flusher, there's a bowl, there's a flusher. I mean, the flusher and all that stuff is decorative it's not a functional toilet but you could go up there and like you know and just to clarify it smells like people actually have climbed up two stories and then took a dump in this two-story correct toilet correct and what do you mean the flusher doesn't work like somebody took a two-story dump that big that it couldn't flush anymore i there are giants that roam the realm. You're going to have to experiment with this shit

to find out more about the way that this toilet works. I will. But that's as much as Gran knows. This is going to be a weird time to say this, but Daryl, you think you could fire up that grill? What? I took a pretty nasty hit in that last encounter, and I don't know how long it takes to whip up a steak

so I could maybe, you know, solve some of these wounds. I will say that due to the intense smell of human feces right now I don't think anybody would smell barbecue give away our position. Am I right Daddy Master? That smell of shit would hide any sort of barbecue smell. Oh yeah absolutely. They would cancel

each other out. That said your healing is going to be halved while you're fucking eating shit smelling steak. How long does the grill take? The grill takes a couple minutes. It's magical. Okay, cool. What are you putting on the grill?

I like a couple of carrots for me. I was going to have a carrot dog if that's okay. I don't do vegetables on the grill. You don't? Well, I'm pretty sure this, Henry, I would actually, but this magical grill is only for magical meat. I don't think I heard him saying... I'm a vegetarian,

so if you can help me out, maybe by losing your condescending attitude. What about magical meat that is not meat currently but was meat when it was in somebody's stomach? I don't think that's going to work for my diet either. I don't mean to be difficult. I'll just heal myself.

If you recall, the grill specifically says the meat you cook has to be meat you've hunted. Oh, so we can't just do it. Well, I'll allow you to forage, but instead of... I'm not foraging for carrots around here. Instead of foraging for wood or stone, you can forage for meat. I take a glance around to see if there's any small game in the area. You know, forget I asked.

Well, I'm doing it because I could use some meat. I got hurt also. God, the first thing you smell an open sewer and you're like, I could use a steak right now. It's the heel, Glenn. I got a four, so I'm assuming I didn't see shit. Well, you did see shit. That's all I saw. Just mainly saw a lot of shit.

Grant, you said that there's like magical items here? Yeah, so basically if we search here, there's always a chance that somebody died having something really, really good on themselves that fell into the shit and then nobody had the courage to go and get it because it's shit. I'm going to cast Detect Magic, which allows me to sense the presence of magic within 30 feet of me. Bec and smat. All right. You can tell that there is something magical inside the bowl, but you'll still have to find a way. A, you'll have to find a way to get up there, but B, once you are there, you will get an advantage on your search roll inside the bowl. Guys, I think there's some magic shit in the shit bowl.

Is there stairs or something like that? We could build stairs. My god, yeah. Wooden stairs up to the bowl. Plus, the bowl would be a good place to scout out for enemies and to keep an eye on the rest of the land. Yeah. Or, I mean, we could even build stilts out of the wood if we wanted one of us to sort of venture around

and look out for enemies. That's true. If you put the stilts on and they put the holographic pants on the stilts, would it look like you're a giant creature? I'm going to take a couple of wood and do this. I think, alright, Ron, you work on the stilts project. We're going to build the stairs and get up there. Ron, you're going to build

the stilts? Yes. That's going to take seven wood. Do you have seven wood? I have 14. Now I have seven. Perfect. Okay. So that's your go. Okay, so Ron, you're going to stilt up because I like the idea of intimidating everyone by thinking we got a giant on our side and I'll go look for wood and Daryl, you can, you know, use your craftsman school. Maybe you and Grant can have a fun father son projects and help build these stairs together. Yeah. There's not a lot of fun going on, but we'll definitely get a, we'll, we'll definitely grant while we go search for some items. Yeah, there's not a lot of fun going on, but we'll definitely get, we'll definitely, Grant, why don't we go

search for some items? Yeah, sure. Sounds great. All right. Oh, I thought you was building the stairs. Oh, we're going to, we need more wood. You can search for crafting materials

or you can search for items. Okay, got it. We don't have enough wood to build stairs. Okay, so Grant and you are searching for wood. Yeah, we'll search for wood then. Maybe you could find some wood glue

to repair that relationship as well. Yeah, that's a good idea, Ron. You know, wood glue is stronger than the original father-son bond. Stronger than Grant takes a D6, because he's definitely fucking heard that shit before. It takes four damage. Henry, why don't you go ahead and roll for what you're doing?

I got a 19. So that's 19 wood. Great. 19 wood or 10 stone. Okay, I'll do 19 wood. Alright. 6 wood. 6 wood. Grant will do that, but he'll do it at a all right uh six wood all right six wood grant will uh do that but he'll do the disadvantage because he didn't give a shit uh he got 15 wood even with disadvantage wow so that's a 40 total wood grant good job on that wood there man yeah cool uh let's build these stairs let's let's check out what's in the toilet everybody okay uh so is glenn what would glenn do

i'll look for items in the area around here. I know there's something in the bowl, but I guess I'll just search for something right now. Sure. Go ahead, Freddie. That's a 12 investigation roll. Just see if there's anything around the base of the toilet. Not good enough. Yeah.

This place is so. Now is the wax seal in place. The wax seal? Yeah. So when the toilet gets built, you know, there's a wax seal. It's really important that you make sure that that wax seal is seated correctly. Otherwise, we'll get leaks and you'll probably mess up your subfloor.

Or measure once, cut twice, Glenn talking. Because Glenn doesn't know shit. Both Freddie and Glenn happen to know a little bit of a way around repairing toilets. Matthew slash Daryl. Wow, Dad's got testy this episode. Daryl's proud. Daryl's like, hell yeah, Glenn.

What has to happen in a man's life for him to be that good at repairing toilets nothing good um okay so nothing though so yeah no you see the wax seal's probably pretty intact I mean it's not a real toilet so like again it's just a very large statue

of a toilet but if it's not a real toilet why is everyone pooping in it Anthony you want me to explain human nature to you? I don't know. Just because I see a toilet doesn't mean I will just go and poop in it. Here's a question. How many people do you think have shat inside show toilets at a Home Depot? Because I bet you the answer is more

than zero. Good point. Good point. Oh my gosh. To be fair, let's end that one. If Matt saw a two-story tall toilet in the middle of nowhere and he could get to the top, he would definitely have to take a shit in the toilet.

How many people do you think have fallen to death trying to take a shit in that toilet? There are definitely going to be some corpses when you get up there. I'm very excited to see what's up here. All right, let's get up these stairs. So first I'm making a roll on the encounter table. Cool. So while you all are doing this stuff, Grant is sort of looking around with a very dead

expression in his eyes. Like he's just sort of checked out, but then he sees some whoops, sorry. So you hear the speakers that you heard earlier on before Greg Proops got shot down and you hear this like, and then you hear not Gregreg proops but the other head voiced by will you're the only one that's alive greg proops died you are now alone in this body oh boy uh four nights fans uh it's gufo mcbufo secondary secondary head to my fallen brother, Greg Proops. I am surging with so many emotions right now, but I know Greg would want me to continue the show. All right, everyone, here's the news for you.

Zone J from the Jewel Cutters, you got a wave of poison gas coming your way, and for people, anyone who's in Zone F with the fucking shit-ass toilet building, you're already dealing with some poison gas. They're coming out of that toilet, but I gotta say, things are about to get a lot... Oh, God, my brother is

dead! Wait, is it jewel cutters? Like, is it that kind of vapor? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, is it jewel J-O-U-L? If you went there, I will say that you will find both precious gems and Jewel Vapes. Man, vapes! Grant, there's

vapes in Jewel Cutters. I don't vape. Oh. Yeah. We get it. You don't vape. Not like Nick. I'm very proud of that. Okay, so we have, how long until this place is- Nick said everyone vapes. In 15 minutes, the poison will start to come. So we're going to have to get out of here.

But Glenn, you said that there's something in there. Let's check. It's something magical. Something good? Yes. Okay. We got to see if there's something in this toilet before we get out of here. Otherwise, why did we build these stairs?

All right. Daryl goes running up the stairs. I just keep thinking about the whole thing. I would do it. 14 minutes, 30 seconds. Darryl runs up the stairs. Yeah, well, one of you has to spend your action building, and then everybody else can spend actions doing different things.

Darryl, build these stairs as I run up them. Okay. Yeah, Darryl, you know, knowing how to measure twice and cut once. Build expert stairs. Okay, so this would be a time when actually you would want to measure once, cut twice for speed, but... So it's very much like fucking the wrong trousers from Wallace and Gromit, where Gromit's putting down the train tracks ahead of the train kind of thing.

As Glenn runs up the stairs, you're just like forming the stairs beneath him. I'm going to peek my head over the rim. Okay, so you see literally one of the worst things you've ever seen. Although actually, you know what? To you, it's not that dissimilar because you're in a band so like you you see a lot of shit you see a lot of bodies um and uh you can sense that there's something down there but you're gonna have to go ahead and get your hands dirty this is a real like end of woodstock kind of situation in there um can you tell what's in there there's something magical i can tell because my spell allows me to

see things slightly glow can you see the shape i't. I can just tell there's a light glow for something, so I guess I'm just going to dive into the shit. Whoa! Do you have a back and how are you going to get out? Let's get a rope on you. It is shallow enough that you can maybe crawl back out. You'll have to do a dexterity check to crawl back out. Okay, well, can we roll? Oh, oh, oh, oh, I have a spell for this. Hey, Glenn. Yeah?

If you need to get back out of that toilet, sounds like you might as well jump! And then I cast jump on Glenn, which triples his jump distance until the spell ends. Oh my God. So you got mad for it for one minute, my dude. All right.

Hell yeah. Awesome. Oh yeah. Okay. So roll your investigation check with advantage. You want to get over a 20. Over a 20 in terms of investigation. Yeah, because this place is high risk,

high reward. Okay. Oh wait, wait, wait. While he's jumping in, I'm going to cast Speak with Plants, and then I'm going to ask a nearby blade of grass, voiced by Anthony Birch, in a flawless blade of grass voice. Blade of grass, I wish to commune with thee. What's up?

What does the forest say about what treasures may be hidden in that toilet bowl? Oh, if we don't fucking go up there, that's nasty. This is my new favorite voice. Have ye heard any rumors, any tidings, perhaps from the trees themselves who can see into the bowl of any valuable items

that may have fallen therein? Yeah, the Demodorm sword is up there. It's a sword of adjustable length. It's basically a lethal tape measure. Its weight and its length are proportional and it can lethal tape measure. It's weight and it's length are proportional and it can be infinitely long. Well, not infinitely long. It can be really, really long. And that was made by

Ryan Peterson. Thank you, Ryan. Thank you, Blade of Grass. No problem. Hey, Glenn! Yeah? You're looking for a stretchy length sword, kind of like a tape measurer. What I'm kind of hoping here is that I can give him advantage on his search because he knows what he's looking for. Well, he already had advantage. Double advantage. How much advantage can you give me? Yeah, we'll give you double

advantage. It'd be much rumored. Double advantage. D&D first, ladies and gentlemen. What does double advantage grant me? Advantage on my advantage rolls? It means you get to roll three times to take the best of the three rolls. So, Anthony, I rolled three times. Uh-huh. Six, seventeen, and seven. With an investigation,

unfortunately, I only get up to a 19. I was going to say, if somebody else dives in with them, can it help the investigation? It can't be you because you spent your action building the stairs, but Ron could do it. Ron, get in there. Help out Glenn. Ron, be a trooper. I'll be a pooper instead. That works.

I'm going to hop on in the poop. Okay. Go ahead and roll investigation with advantage. Okay. A 15. Okay. So go ahead and roll again. All right. Eight. Okay. So, a 15. Okay, so go ahead and roll again. All right, eight.

Okay, so no dice there. That's your go. So I'm going to roll on the encounter table again. Matt, your hand's itching. Why don't you roll ahead and roll a perception? I got a 13. 13, okay. Yeah, everything's fine.

So now everybody go again. If you want to keep searching, you can. So you have eight minutes before poison starts to flood this place. Do I still have triple advantage because I know exactly what I'm looking for? 19 is the highest I got again of three rolls. I'm using an app. Damn you app and your real generated numbers. 15 plus four.

That's 19. So 14 plus four. I'm sorry. So they're just hunting around for poop. Yeah, seems like it. So while they're hunting around for poop, what's Grant doing? Grant'm sorry. So they're just hunting around for poop? Yeah, seems like it. Okay, so while they're hunting around for poop, what's Grant doing? Grant's gone.

As I was saying, after the first roll on the encounter table, all of a sudden he saw something move through the trees and this look of something akin to happiness appeared on his face. And while you were building the stairs, he sort of wandered off in the direction of what he saw in the forest.

So since I asked immediately after building those stairs, do I see the direction he went in? Yeah, you can follow him. I go, Grant! Grant! Guys, Grant's ran. I gotta go get Grant. Keep looking for that sword. Henry, come help. Okay, I'm on it. We start running towards Grant.

So you see Grant standing at odds against two people that actually seem to be around his age one of them is a really cute girl with red hair and the other one is a kid with an eye patch and a skateboard that seems to be like attached to his feet holy shit and wait the skateboard's attached to his feet what do you mean like the skateboard is his feet he's just skateboard from the ankles down that's like his thing i still can't tell if you're just doing a metaphor that he's really good at skateboarding. He is literally grafted to the skateboard.

Okay, okay. Dude, it's like you're literally grafted to your board. And so Grant is up against the, his back is up against the tree and the two are like staring him down and he looks like kind of small and like almost like he's being threatened,

but he's also smiling. I put my hand out to block Daryl. Like Daryl, fucking let this play out for a second. We don't know. Hey, Grant. We don't know who this guy is. So he turns and he sees you

and immediately his fucking shoulders slump and he just goes, oh, God, don't, don't, don't. These are good guys. These are my friends. We're not going to hurt them. We just want to make sure you're okay. I'm fine.

I was fine and now I'm less. Are these your friends? Hey, kiddos. Oh, God. My name's Daryl Wilson. Daryl Wilson, nice to meet you guys. I'm less. Are these your friends? Hey, kiddos. Oh, God. My name's Darrell Wilson. Nice to meet you guys. I'm Grant's dad. This is my pal, Henry.

Henry, come say hi to these kids. Hello, kids. Or should I say, what's up, teens? Oh, God. So immediately, the girl. I didn't think you could get meeting your kids' friends in this podcast. The boy, oh, boy. Here we are.

The girl very politely smiles and shakes both of your hands. We got to hear more about this handshake from Daryl and this girl in detail. This is like a big first impression. Pause that timer. This is an important moment. Wait, why?

Because this is sizing up. This is a potential romantic interest. What? Not for him. Not for him. For Grant. Oh, shit. No, it's not up. This is a potential romantic interest, you know? So either one. Not for him. Not for him. For Grant. Oh, shit. No, it's not that kind of podcast.

No. No. The girl reaches out for a handshake. What kind of handshake do you give a girl that's the same age as your son? Oh, I like a nice hand. Like, you know, it's still firm, but not like, I'm not going to hurt her hand. Okay. So she gives you a pretty firm one.

It's like, it's not enough to hurt, but it's like, she's like clearly intended. I say handshake, little lady. What's your name? She goes, my name is Killa DeMall. Killa DeMall? Sorry sorry did you say kill them all no my name is killa space demall okay she was named by eric sispolski thank you eric i like that and then the boy does a kickflip which again is weird because it's like he's connected to the fucking board it's like they're like bungee connected uh he does a kickflip and then sort of like turns around and then puts his head on his shoulder like he's giving you the stink eye with his one eye and he goes the name's yeet

bigly uh he does not shake your hand nice uh nice nice ollie there uh leet thank you bryce baker by the way that's so kickflip you do fist oh kickflip very cool well nice to meet you i put my hand out he doesn't shake it. He goes, it smells like shit, so I'm going to not risk that. Yeah, we were in the big old toilet over there. I would not go in there if I were you. Daryl, I got this. Sick flip, bro, up top.

And I go for a high five. It's a roll of persuasion. Man, this podcast is awesome. Fuck yes, a 19. He doesn't even look at you, but his hand just goes up and perfectly hits your... His posture says, I don't give a shit. But the sheer crispness of that high five says that he appreciates the compliment. I explained to Daryl, sometimes kids are skating around the museum.

And I got to tell them no skateboarding at the museum. So I've just developed a bit of a rapport. I get some of the lingo. I wasn't in on the skateboarding thing at first. But then Grant, you were telling me, it's a sport. What you do is very difficult there. Oh, it's a sport. It's very, you know, what you do is very difficult there. Oh my God.

Oh, just stop. It's not, you're not making it better. It's sounding more condescending. So what's going on, kids? Are you also Four Nights players? Are you part of this Nintendo? Heat Bigley says, we're not just players, we're winners.

I mean, never number one, but we always have, we've survived a fair number of these games. And Cal goes, yeah, absolutely. We're really big fans of competing in four nights. It gives us a lot of really cool equipment that we can use to sell and keep our mom in hospice care. We're very sympathetic. Oh, are you brother and sister?

Yeah, we're brother and sister. Okay, so you're like a team. Can we just all join the same team? Is that how Fortnite works? Can we all be the same team so we don't, you know, we can help each other all out here? Yeah, I mean, that's what we did with your boy Grant. And then he goes, yeah, your boy Grant is real fucking good at Fortnite. Oh, hell yeah, he is.

He's never killed anybody, but he's great at building, he's great at finding, and he's great at being a good pal. How about you guys? The meta right now is that you can just be good building and do pretty well in Fortnite. You're shouting that from the toilet bowl. The meta! How about you two kiddos?

You've killed anybody? Yeah. Yeah, but we're not, like, psyched about it, says Yeet Bigly. We try not to. It's easier to sort of survive on your own. How about you two kiddos? You've killed anybody? Yeah. Yeah. But we're not psyched about it, says Ye Bigly. We try not to. It's easier to sort of survive on your own. We're not really ones for a lot of combat. How old are you two?

We're the same age as your son. How old is Grant? Careful, Matt. There's a lot of speculation. How old is Grant? Somebody on Reddit asked what the ages of all the kids were, and I just responded yes. I feel like he's probably like 13. We were that like it was like a pretty big range in the

soccer team which is why i can have like middle school through eight school and it was like he's on the upper end okay so yeah he's probably like so he's 13 yeah so they're all 13 and i will also say that like people are like oh they seem young i'm like do you not remember 13 year olds there are some mature ass 13 year olds and there's some wild cards. Hey, that's my sons you're talking about. So, yeah, we're all the same age. Okay. That's just... These kids go through a lot in this role. Yeah, you know, it's tough.

I do think maybe we should kind of zero in here and come up with a game plan. Yeah, so... You must be the hotties. Is that right? Kellogg goes, uh-huh. And then Yeet just sort of crooks a thumb at himself. He goes, why don't you tell me? I'm not going to do that.

So roll perception with advantage, Daryl. Okay. With advantage, that is a 19. So with a 19, the second that he bigly points at himself and says, you tell me, Grant blushes very hard. I knew it. Grant, what's going on there, buddy? You look a little flush.

Oh my God. Dad! What? No, it's hot outside. So immediately. I was going there, buddy? You look a little flush. Oh, my God. Dad! What? No, it's hot outside. I was going to say it's really hot outside right now. You're looking a little sweaty, buddy. He and Kel turn, and they see him just blushing, and then he just immediately freezes up,

and he literally puts his hands over his face, and he just goes, Dad, no! And Kel's like, oh, what's wrong? Are you okay? Are you sick, or what's going on? And he's like, yeah, man, what's the deal? What's going on? He's like, please don't. wrong? Are you okay? Are you sick? Or what's going on? And he's like, yeah, man, what's the deal? What's going on? And he's like, please don't.

Oh, this has to be a dream. This is worse than everything. I hear you, Grant. It's pretty hot outside. I'm getting pretty sweaty, too. I feel like we should. Oh, don't mention sweat. Oh, Jesus.

No, no, no. My back. Oh, my God. You sweat so much. Oh, no, stop. Yeah. Right down the crack right now. So I think we should.

Oh, no. I think. Henry is like, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. He literally curls into the fetal position and is just like going, no. I think us and the hotties should get down to it. We got two friends down there, really powerful warriors. They can help out. I think we should all stick together.

Go where? Oh, to the shit toilet. The shit toilet. No, we're just going to help them out. Then we're going to go to our next place. We just can't leave our friends behind. So meanwhile, back at the toilet... Did they just leave us to dig through a big pile of shit by ourselves, Ron?

Yeah, they said something about West Indian lilac poisoning the dinosaurs. God damn it. That's so... Jurassic Park. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. If this was a JRPG dating simulator, it'd be like,

you spent some quality time with Ron. I'm like, my indicator just went up a little bit. You bonded over shit. How long has it been since I cast Jump? Oh yeah, it's definitely been more than a minute. Yeah,

there's been a second there. And Ron didn't have it. Ron's got his stilts, I guess. My stilts. That's true. So to paint the picture, Ron is on his stilts, like very gently

standing around and like pointing at things and then Glenn is just covered head to toe in excrement, blood, and guts. If you're considering drawing that as fan art,

maybe don't. Not this one. I feel like Ron is just stomping like grapes in a winery. Let's just do one more check for it, Ron. Let's go one more time. I'm just going to spread out my whole body on this poop

so that if something's there, I can really feel it. Again, 10, 13, 15. Can they get possibly more? Because if they're scooping poop out, it should be getting... I'll reduce the AC of the search, yeah. So you only have to get 19. Still no. I'm 17 highest on that last roll.

I got 18. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. to get a 19. Still no. I'm 17 highest on that last roll. I got 18. Jesus Christ! Ron, fuck this! I've got an idea. I was just thinking that since we're in sewage, it might be helpful to have somebody who knows a little more about sewage. You see, you and I,

we merely adopted the sewage. But the rats out of Manhattan, a vermin, they were born in the sewage. But the rats out of Manhattan vermin, they were born in the sewage. And they might be able to find something better than we can. That's a good idea. It's too bad none of us can talk to them. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit.

Can we come back? So the second you say you come back, I'm starting the timer. And you have three minutes and 44 seconds. And when the poison starts coming out, then every real-life minute you're in the poison, you'll have to take a D6 of damage. Okay. So just be ready for that. All right, we're starting right now.

Communicate that to... And you are back now. Hey, is Henry over there? I mean, Henry! Who's Will? Will, you come talk to a couple rats. You bet your ass I can, but we gotta hightail it out of here.

I run up the stairs. Okay. Okay, cool. I hold out the head of vermin. I say, head of vermin, head of vermin, ship me out a couple of rats. I think I'll take three. All right, three rats come out. So, Yeet, how expensive is a skateboard like that?

If I was gonna get one for Grant, if I was gonna get one for Grant, like, Grant, do you like, have you thought about skateboarding? Is this something you like? Yeah! Yeet's like, I was born on those blades, baby. I cast speak with animals on the rats the rats like all right all right oh a lot of shit yeah yeah yeah love the shit can you can you go look for a cool sword for us oh fuck yeah why not i'm gonna run my investigation roll all right

oh i finally got one 18 or 18 okay so with the uh 18 and assisted by the rats assisted by the rats the rat grabs what looks like a magical tape measure in its mouth and starts pulling but you can tell as it pulls that there's something else in there if you want to keep searching. I'll roll. So it's 16. You basically pull out a pair of orbs and you pull out a tape measure. I try to jump and I fail. I cast jump on you.

I just hug one of Ron's stilts. I'm like, let's get out of here, Ron. I use my powerful quads to propel up from the sewage. Roll acrobatics. Gosh darn it. You're going to have to the sewage. Roll acrobatics. I think you're going to have to have me roll something. Acrobatics. That's going to be a 19.

Perfect. You definitely leap out with your stilts from the shit statue and you land with a horrible splorch. So I take off my polo shirt and then take off my undershirt. Are you taking polos for a second? I said, whoa, man, you're covering shit there, Glenn. Here you go. I toss up my undershirt. Then you taking undershirts? I'm sure this is where a set guy's like, whoa, man, you're covering shit there, Glenn. Here you go. I toss on my undershirt

and then I put my polo shirt back on. Oh, man, that felt good though. Sweaty day. Guys, let's get out of here. Oh, God. I don't know if this is worse.

I'm just so upset. Okay, so you guys are adjacent to Egg Farm, which is full of poison or the tavern that you came from, PUBG. Well, Hotties, what do you guys recommend?

I would probably go back to the tavern. Oh, problem. That tavern's lit on fire. Do you want to be poisoned you want to be poison gas so i think okay let's go to the tavern all right so cool you managed to make it back to the tavern as you hear poison gas begin to seep out of the pores of the ground behind you uh in the shit ass uh fucking shit hold on as we're leaving though i'd like to take a quick second to do a perception check of the poison gas coming out of the um the ground is what you're saying i just want to get a perception check of the poison gas coming out of the ground is what you're saying. I just want to get a little

more on that. I'm right there with you. That's a 14 plus to 16 investigation on that. So that's good enough to know that something magical is causing to happen. Why don't you now roll Arcana? Arcana is a 14 plus to 16. Okay, so you can tell even though you don't know a lot about this world you can, but I know a lot about like

crystals and shit. Yeah, yeah, you can tell he played in a band called Arcana back in the 90s. You can tell that the- We wrote a song about this. That this is a poison spell, a poison gas spell that is being, it's not being done randomly. It's like a person is doing that

and they must be within some certain proximity of the map. They're here because the poison's coming from the ground. They could be underground. There could be an underground wizard making all the poison come out. Okay, so the items that you got, one of them is, this one is made by Ryan Peterson.

It's called the Dimidome Sword. It is a sword of adjustable length. It's a lethal tape measure. Its weight and its length are proportional. I'm going to say its maximum length is like 100 yards. It's like a football field. Nice.

So you can make it go really long. Hell yeah. But the idea is the longer it goes, the more heavy it is. That's what she said. And then the other item, oh, also by Ryan Pearson. Jeez, well done, dude. Are teleportation orbs.

These are two handheld indestructible orbs that allow the user to instantly teleport between them. The orbs need to recharge between uses. That's what she said. Fuck, that's really good. Oh my god. Fuck. That was good. You get inspiration. my god fuck you get inspiration you get inspiration that's the opposite of a dad joke

yeah but it's too good though that needs to be encouraged um the timer's recharge is based on the difference traveled just don't let them touch the orbs cannot touch apparently what happens if they touch I don't know it just says don't let them touch I guess I'll decide yeah oh this seems like a cool cross

moment we could get a dad huddle really quick yes hey um that is like 15 feet away from the new 15 minute timer is now starting super quick I feel like we should give one of those orbs to grant because if he gets transported oh shit like like oh hell yeah oh

shit oh no no no my ark Oh shit. Like, like, oh, hell yeah. Oh shit. Oh no. He gave you an item that was too big. No, no, my, my arc. But remember,

but here's the thing guys, it's only one person's going to go right? Like, oh shit. You can't all touch the orb. Yeah, but maybe Grant can come back or I can go to Grant. So slip it.

Who has sleight of hand? We don't have to slip it. I think we just asked Grant to hold on to this orb. Yeah. Yeah. Hey Grant. Yeah. Hold on to this orb.

Come join the dad hole buddy. I don't want to be anywhere near you right now. I think I'm cool over here with my friends trying to undo the damage that you just did to my cool factor. Um, okay, let me try this. Grant,

buddy, I'm going to give you some advice. It's something that Glenn and I were talking about when we were in the toilet. Um, you, why, Why is this my life? Why is this how things are right now? You have... I hold the orb and I hold it in front of Grant and I said, you have so many relationships in this life.

Only one or two will last. You go through all this pain and strife and then you turn your back and they're gone so fast and they're gone so fast and then I give him the orb just hold on to that yeah Grant just hold on to that buddy it's a teleporter we can if you get lost or I get lost we'll be able to find a way back

so it's all good thanks guys hang on to it thanks guys so he just takes it so hold on the ones who really care and in the end they'll be the only ones there oh great why are you why are you weird out by that remember you used to love the hansons those are your favorite bands yeah yeah yeah remember in third grade you did that for the talent show and it was with your friends but only you went up there so you by yourself doing it yep i remember that distinctly great memory thanks for bringing that up thank you so much dad you can plant any of those keep planting to find out which one grows i remember that it's a secret no one knows because i came up and then i sang it with you could you just use that sword and just kill could you just drive it straight through my brain i don't know

if i can do that i'm just sort of busy kind of cleaning myself off with this really sweaty rag so i'm just basically covered in like shit and sweat and hey just give me one second guys um you guys are just the nastiest people right now the tavern is completely burned down now so basically you were in a pretty boring spot you were just in a clearing with the burnt out remains of a pub and the body of Goose Loose Van Goose. And currently, oh yikes, you can see two other competitors. Oh boy. You can see a drider, which is a large arachnid creature

with a torso of a woman. So basically some Dark Souls shit. And then you see the Oni that you scared off is back. Are they fighting each other? Yeah, I was just about to roll for that. So yes, they are fighting each other. But do they see you is the question. Oh yes, they do. What do you do?

Can we go to another zone? Can we just leave? You absolutely can if you want to. How many zones are open still? So the haberdashery is adjacent to you and that is open and not poisoned. Okay. Or you can always sprint through any poisoned zone. You'll basically take only one round of damage from it. Also the damage increases depending on how many zones overall are poisoned. But you only take one round of damage from it. Also, the damage increases depending on how many zones overall

are poisoned, but you only take one round of damage from sprinting through any individual zone, but you will roll with disadvantage on the encounter tables because more people will hear you and maybe come to your location. We could probably let them play it out. Dang, man, you would have thought out this mechanic. I don't think it'll work, but it sounds like it's good. I think we let them slug it out and we go to

the haberdashery. Yeah, the sun's hot. None of us want sunburns. We all get some caps on. I actually have some natural sunscreen on right now in a way. That's true. In many... My camo is like way up, right? Visually. Yes.

Oh, absolutely. Smell-wise. You're like solid snake, but the worst kind. Runny snake. Yeah, I say we make a run for the haberdashery, guys. Okay, cool. So that'll take you five minutes. Make a dash for the haberdashery guys okay cool so that'll take you five minutes dash for the never mind all right so you are down to we're down to five minutes before we find out where the next uh zone is coming up what's the haberdashery all about so the haberdashery

it's a store with a shitload of hats on the outside every single fun a whimsical hat you could imagine what is this, Team Fortress 2? Yeah, yeah, you know what? Yeah. Is this on? Yes, canonically, every hat that you've seen in Team Fortress 2 is at this haberdashery on the outside of it. And then inside, you can see a bunch of other hats and also suits and clothing and apparel

and all that kind of stuff. Suits? So you get the feeling that, yes, the USA show suits. You get the feeling that if you go inside and search, you might find some apparel that you can wear. I'm also going to roll on the encounter table. All right, you're fine. You're going to like the way you look.

I guarantee it. Right now, there is nobody here. All right, guys. What kind of hats do you want? I think we should scout out what's in the store. And I think Glenn in particular, no offense, but you could use some new duds, my man. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, actually, come to think of it, none of us have changed our clothes in the weeks upon weeks in which we've been in this realm at this point, right? Yeah. Like, all I know is my Birkenstocks are covered in gore and viscera. It's been a stinky ride. I feel like maybe we could all use like a makeover. Haberdashery is just hats, right? Well, he said they had suits and stuff, too. Haberdashery is just hats, right? Well, he said they had suits and stuff, too.

Haberdashery is just any place that sells men's clothing and accessories. It's not just hats. So we can get properly pimped out. You can. Oh, wow. They got Tommy Bahama shirts here. Oh, my God. Guys, can we upgrade to Cardo shorts and full-on dad out? Tommy Waterdeep.

I would like to purchase... There's nothing to purchase. Nobody's there. I would like to purchase There's nothing to purchase. Nobody's there. I would like to purchase 14 pairs of cargo pants in increasingly large sizes. And then I would also like a t-shirt that says keep calm and carry on.

And then I want a hat. I want a hat that says I want a hat that says I searched for my son in the forgotten realms and all I got was this lousy hat. I want a hat that says I want a hat that says I searched for my son in the forgotten realms and all I got was this lousy hat. Okay. So go ahead and roll investigation.

It's a 12 plus 4. So 16. You definitely find a shirt that says keep calm and carry on. And that's it. Are there magical items here as well? There are also magical items. I'm going to also in this time cast detect magic once again, and any magical items will highlight themselves to me. God damn it.

Ryan Peterson, I guess your style of making items is just my kink. This is so hot. So you find liquid proof boots. So they are fully liquid proof, which means they are physically incapable of coming in contact with any liquid. A little late for that. That would have been useful 15 minutes ago. Liquid-proof boots.

Yes. Interesting. Okay. Wait, what size are they? Why don't you roll? 14? They are size 14, so they're for like a half giant,

like a big dude. Can I roll for how big Ron's feet are? I'm not scared. Wait, I can't have these shoes because I happen to roll big? No, I mean, you can wear them. They'll be kind of uncomfortable. You'll look like a doof. 18

inches. You have very large feet. And dot dot dot. And big socks. I mean, you have to be. Yeah. Hey, Heidi's. Are you guys good?

Clothing wise? Yeet. Bigly. When someone goes, obviously, are you? Are you kidding me? Okay. Why don't you guys go ahead

and can you just watch the perimeter while we get some clothes so that, you know, we can be as cool as you because we want to definitely measure up to you guys. Oh, my God. Although if it's feet,

we definitely measure. Ron's got, Ron's a big boy over there. Grant is like literally on his knees with embarrassment and he just grabs Yeet Bigley's like coattails and goes, he just goes,

I am so sorry. Grant, let's get some clothes. Oh God. Oh no, this is the other horrible thing that you're trying to do with your dad.

shopping with your fucking parents? Oh no. Okay, so yeah, Yeet Bigley and Kelly DeMalle walk outside and they go, yeah, we'll holler if we see anything. No, they don't. That'set bigly and kella demall walk outside and they go yeah we'll holler if we see anything no they don't that's something an old man would say uh they go outside and they go yeah we'll yeet if we see anything um okay so hold up what does

that mean what's yeeting uh yeeting is is throwing something for power so i will throw a brick through the window if somebody comes and that's a good way to get our attention for sure that's true i like that i also like that will was able to role play henry not knowing what yeeting is which gave him a safe way to find out the answer for himself so the best tweet of all time other than the mia farrow tweet is uh yeet is for power and distance and kobe is for accuracy i love that that's very good so i mean glenn is gonna just you know change into some regular clothes and hopefully smell a little less like shit. So what do I see if me and Grant are just walking down the aisles of clothing? You see suits for goblins that are sort of in his size, sort of like really like nicely tailored things that'll be a little bit weird around the like midsection, but otherwise look pretty good on him.

You see like a bunch of T-shirts with just pictures of famous unfortunate fighting children on them. There's none of Peyton, so don't even look for it. Nobody gives a fuck about payton hey grand buddy i don't know what you what you wear but uh you know pick anything you want uh this one's on me and i look around because there's no uh you can get anything it's free there's nobody here no i'm fucking i got that okay so are you gonna get anything no why not whatever like joy you saw in his face or even just the emotion that he had he goes right back to completely fucking emotionless when he's just with you. Why not?

Because I don't need anything. I'm fine. I'm good. Okay, well, Grant, if you see a cap that says, I lost my kid in the Forgotten Realms and all I got was this lousy hat, could you yeet me no?

Could you yeet me no? I wanted to just quickly talk to the hotties and be like, hey, guys, what's up? Not much. What's up with you? Nah. Pretty chill. Does that board? So he does a handstand and just sort of shoves the board in your face.

Oh, shit. Yeah, man. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Yeah. You dark slide? Do what? Do what? Yeah, I can dark slide.

Hell yeah. You ride anything? Yeah, back in the day, I used to skate street. Street? Yeah. That's fucking cool. Yeah. Tell him about the cry stare.

No, hold on. Let me re-read that. Yeah, back in the day. He used to do vert, actually. Vert? Damn. Damn. Damn.

Damn. And he spins around on his hands like as he's going damn damn damn damn bro Christ there was my move oh Christ there I can't even do Christ there yeah yeah well we see Christ in this world he shredded for our sins he's like

Ron is everywhere in in my defense I still have thets, and I can cover more ground. Also, the timer went up, so I'm going to announce... Because we dicked around. Because you dicked around for quite a while. Craig Proops' brother. Why don't you go ahead and tell us that the cafeteria and the deli are about to fill with poison gas.

Hey, y'all, it's whatever I said my name was earlier. What were the zones again? C andD. For those cool cats in the cafeteria, lunchtime's over because you're getting a second serving of poison coming your way. And if you're still hungry, don't go to the deli because the deli, in addition to having bad meats that will give you the tooth and send you to that poison toilet, is also going to fill with poison. This has been whatever my name is, repressing my feelings. Okay. Just so you know, once those two go up there will only be two zones remaining that don't have poison in them the tavern and the haberdasher where you

currently are okay great sure i mean i know i know you and he's close you want you know i know you like those you want to be part of the hotties so if you want anything here whatever chances i had of being part of the hotties that is over now close that's nothing to do with that that is gone that is well and truly gone oh i know you think your old man ruins everything but i tell you what you do ruin everything you killed a guy and then you lied to me I know you think your old man ruins everything, but I tell you what. You do ruin everything. You killed a guy and then you lied to me about it. You won't tell me what the fuck is going on with you.

There's still something that happened before that I don't know. You're going to eat my flesh, apparently. Also, that's a thing. You won't explain fucking anything to me.

This is the most typical. You just put on a fucking happy face and just pretend everything's cool. Don't bother talking about it. Why would you talk? Why talk about something that fucking bothers you? Why?

Why would you? Of course not. No, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm great i'm great you know what never mind i'm great i'm gonna put on this suit ha ha look at me in my suit i put my hand on his shoulder that is a son i love you but that's a terrible suit that's for uh that's for a goblin we'll get you a different suit but look i'm going straight with you right now it's there's a lot going on and i'm not gonna lie to you there is you you you were put into slavery there's been a lot right now. There's a lot going on, and I'm not going to lie to you. You were put into slavery. There's been a lot of stuff happening, right?

Yeah. A lot of stuff happened to us, too. We found the other kids, and we lost them. And frankly, I'm scared I'm going to lose you, too, right now, even if we save you, if we get out of this crazy game where we're the last people alive. And there's other stuff going on. There's some very adult stuff. There's stuff going on with your dad. But you have to trust me that I can't talk about all right now because we're in the middle of this and i'm sorry i lied about the gun but these guys were trying to help me because they didn't want you to know that i did it and

i'll be honest it's not the first person that we've had to kill in this situation and i'm not dealing with it great and sometimes i do just laugh to make it happen but we've killed many people yeah ron especially has three hours away people i just need you to know that right now i love you and i will talk to you about it once we're done with this fortnight hellhole that we're currently in right now and i know you're mad and i expect you to be because actually you know everybody gets mad at their dad but just know that for the next 12 hours or whatever it is we have to get through this and then we will talk and you can ask me question, and I will respond and tell you to do you straight. Okay.

All right. Well, that's a good talk. Now let's get you a good suit. No, I don't want a suit. I'm good. I'm fucking fine. All right. I'm fine.

He just walks out seemingly exactly as upset as he was before. That's Daryl's sound. He knows he's not. He didn't do well. Well, bone that one up, Daryl. Hey, man. It's you. You know, the...

Oh, Henry, were you right here listening? Look, Daryl, I was going to say is like, I get it. It's tough connecting with kids at these age. But you know, I think you did good. So don't beat yourself up too bad about it. You know, he'll come around. You know, assuming we all make it out of this alive. I appreciate that.

Henry, I'll grill you up that carrot. Hell yeah. But let's grill down after we get out of this mess. Well, yeah, I'm not going to say grill right now. I'm just saying. But yeah, for sure. I appreciate that. Thank you'll grill you up that carrot hell yeah but let's grill down after we get out well yeah i'm not gonna say girl right now i'm just saying but yeah for sure i appreciate that thank you daryl when when they come back i'm sharing a cigarette with you i'm like yeah no if we see a see a half pipe i'll show you what the hell i know we're not i go and i take the cigarette out of you oh what are you you fucking you fucking this is terrible for you you know what's terrible for me all of this he says

pointing at this and this pointing at the cigarette helps me with the fucking edge can i just say mr yeetly sir young man bigly bigly yeet bigly you should really be wearing a helmet like you know they're the brain is the most important resource a young person has it's it's it's how you form your connection with the world, and I know you do cool flips and tricks on your board, but you're not going to be able to do those tricks if you're eating your food through a straw because you biffed it on your board too bad, you know? If you're so excited about smoking,

why don't you go back to the jewel cutters zone? Where do you think we started, they say, and they pull out jewels and immediately begin to vape, and they're so goddamn cool, and they ignore everything that Henry just said to them. Wear a helmet? Yeah.

Do you want to look like a fucking tool? I take safety very seriously. So don't push it, bucko. You look pretty singed. Were you wearing a helmet for whatever the fuck happened to your whole thing? Well, I didn't think I was. You know what? You know what, sir?

Gotcha. Gotcha. You think you're real cool? Oh, you got it. Gotcha. I revoke my high five. Oh, that's fine. I don't need cool. Oh, you got it. Gotcha. I revoke my high five. Oh, that's fine. I don't need it.

Also, helmets are lame, Glenn. Brett Favre, lame. I think not wore a helmet. That's true. I don't know who Brett Favre is. Tom Brady? Maybe football is harming the youth of our country more than skateboarding ever did. I hold out for a fist bump.

So Grant definitely fist bumps you. He's like, that's why I play soccer. No tackling. It's true. Although, actually, the headings, they find out that doing headers repeatedly actually might have somewhat similar effects. Yeah, that's why I'm so dumb. I love doing headers. Ah, maybe slow

down on that, my dude. Okay, we are in the middle of a dangerous war zone, so let's table the soccer versus football versus vaping conversation for when we're out of danger, and let's figure out what our next move is here, everyone. Okay, as you say that, someone is going to make a stealth roll okay everybody do a perception roll a 20 20 not natural 20 i got a 19 i got 12 i got a natural 20 jesus okay so i mean basically everybody except for ron but i mean once they see it you'll see it too ron gets advantage he's on

stilts yeah ron's on stilts and also was listening to everybody simultaneously ron is the nsa you hear it before you see it you hear big heavy footsteps coming towards you and you see somebody encased in a very large suit of armor even though you can see from the fists that are coming out of it and the head peeking over it that the person's not actually very big they're just wearing a big thing of armor and as it gets closer you hear the same voice that you heard on the microphone even though you can't make out the face and he goes doodlers i've come for you uh and uh that's what she said it's cern it's cern it's lizard boy scales with stuff. It's Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. He's come to kill you.

He hears you say that as he comes up. He's like, well, fucking Christ. I had a whole thing. I had literally a whole monologue that was going to climax with me getting close enough for you to see that I was there. And I talk about you eating your kid and all. But no, yeah, that's what she said. You nailed it. Fuck you.

And then he starts walking. And he digs his hand to the ground, pulls out a very large rock, like much larger than anybody should be able to lift with one hand, and he fucking throws it at you. I roll to see what type of rock it is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Even if you die, it'll be alright It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright It'll be alright, cause that's just life All you do is try, and it'll be alright

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson Anthony Burch as RDM Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Max and Waller. Thanks this week to Eric Schapolsky, Bryce Baker, and Ryan Peterson for the excellent submissions of names and items.

Just one of the many perks you get as a Patreon supporter. Speaking of which, do you know VZBX, Ryan Blaney, Camden Matheny, Jackie Betts, or Devin Steen? I mean, they're Patreon supporters, too. I'm not trying to guilt you or anything. I just think that these folks are pretty cool. Oh, sorry. What?

Did you want to become a supporter of the podcast? Well, then take a gander over at Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads where you, too, can chip in and help make this podcast possible. We just got back from a weekend of hard role-playing and, and the canon prequel, starring the dad's grandparents, which we're calling At the Mountains of Dadness, is in the proverbial can, ready to be edited. I'm really excited for everyone to hear this one, because the Call of Cthulhu system and it being kind of a miniseries really changed the gameplay and the way we approached it. And like me personally, I was not expecting just how tense and exciting the combat ended up being.

It's very different. It's very different. It's very cool. It's also very funny. We're going to try and get that out this month in time for Halloween. And something you can hear if you're a Patreon supporter at any level, so it's not too late, patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Also, our stretch goal at 2,500 patrons has just been posted. I just got the phone with Henry Oak's producer, and he's putting together his geology raps. We're going to be releasing the rocks rock mixtape. So if you want to make that happen,

patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. That's where you want to be. Dungeons and dads on Twitter, bit.ly slash dungeon dads for that private Facebook group, r slash dungeons and daddies for that subreddit and bit.ly slash dad guts, all caps for the group transcription project. Thanks again for listening folks. That next episode is coming at you October

15th, so until then, thanks for listening, and we'll see you then. There was a time when you could read between the lines, you know they never brought you down. Never brought you down.

Did the sequel? No, no, no. No, no, no. The further we get into this conversation, the more likely it is that every single NBC is going to murder you. That's the one thing that won't be Freddy.