Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 19 - Amazing Grant, How Sweet the Cern

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

The final minutes of the tournament tick down as the dads scramble to deal with the consequences of their actions in the Forgotten Realms.This episode contains profanity, violence, animal cruelty/animal death, and violence towards children.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. in that ocean We're trying to save him but if we can't gotta kill him Eat his face Ooh yeah We gotta eat his face Ooh Grant's pushing hard on a boy named me A righteous team who shreds that board I used to do for

E-Dust Street There's someone knocking at the door Could somebody get the door? Mmm, how quick stop, sir's got big ass rock that he shot right at a- Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, occasionally a D&D podcast and also BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads. this is a dungeons and dragons podcast about four dads this is this is a dnd podcast in two weeks it's episode it's about four dads from our world flung into the forgotten realms on quest to rescue their lost sons my name is freddie wong i play glenn close

the rock and roll bard dad of the group the the bard who apparently has never used bardic inspiration i hear the internet screaming at me. I hear all bard players being like you fool. That's what I do. You know what? Get off my nuts. I apparently didn't need it. You're fucking fine. I'm the best part of the never was this week's dad fact about Glenn. Glenn

spent a lot of time on the road touring with his band and I know there was a lot of people side note Freddie here. A lot of people like guys, you should do the Wendy's thing you know what fuck that fuck Wendy's that's some pandering energy coming out from Freddie right now you know what Glenn's favorite fast food joint Jack in the box

fuck you Wendy's what's wrong with Wendy's Wendy's is better now we can't get sponsors from Wendy's I'm gonna put my money on Jack and actually Wendy's is much better than Jack in the box I'm going to put my money on Jack. And actually, Wendy's is much better than Jack in the Box. Are you kidding? Guys, I'm thinking Arby's.

Arby's is F tier. Arby's social media game is actually really on point. They might be down. Yeah, except the problem is last time I checked, fast food is for eating at 2 a.m. and hating yourself,

not for hilarious dunks on social media. If I wanted that, I would follow some 14-year-old. You would follow the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Yeah, exactly. Shout out to them.

They're hilarious on social media. Freddie, if Wendy's cut you a check for 15 large, you would do their stupid TRPG in a fucking heartbeat so fast there'd be a Freddie-shaped hole in the wall. So spare me. Can you imagine somebody stumbling into this podcast for the first time being like, I'm out? Nah, these guys sound like a bunch of entitled shits.

All right, Freddie, what's your dad fact after you've given us all your hot takes? My dad fact is Glenn calls Wendy's big dubs, but nobody else in the world does. It's like, yo, guys, let's go to big dubs. Like, what are you talking about? Whataburger? Whataburger's pretty good. Hi, my name is Matt Arnold.

Oh, you're from Texas. I have a hot take for you about Whataburger. Oh, boy, I can't wait. Alright, my name is Matt Arnold. I're from texas i have a hot take for you about what a burger oh boy i can't wait all right my name is matt arnold i i played daryl wilson a stay-at-home coach dad who's now a barbarian in the forgotten realms just a little light dad fact for daryl since he might eat his son's skin this episode just keeping it light um his favorite board game is scrabble that's it he likes He likes Sunday morning. He likes to do scrambled eggs and he calls it the Scrabble Scramble. He's not good at the game. He just likes to make funny words. I like that.

I like that a lot. Very charming. Does he know Zah? No, he's not good at it. Grant and Carol are both good at it. He's looking for poop. He's looking for that P-O-O-P. He's looking for a turd. He's just wanting to make goofy words, and then it's just a noise. But you could have done times three if you didn't ask.

He's like, yeah, but turd is funnier than turd. And you can tell, like, two turns before you even do it, because you're like. Yes, yes. They see, like, the four letters off to the side. And you're like, you have poop, don't you? Ready to go. I don't know. You'll find out.

You'll see. Hey, everyone. It's me, Kai Rizdahl on Marketplace. I lost my Kai Rizdahl voice. I was like, oh, I'm going to casually throw Kai Rizdahl in. It's going to be a perfect Kai Rizdahl. It's going to be a flawless Kai. And I just blew it.

Everybody is staring at Will's blank face right now. I rolled in that one on that Kai Rizdahl question. Who's Kai Rizdahl? All right, forget it. Well, we know what you were listening to on the way over here. Kai Rizdahl is the guy who does Marketplace on NPR. Let's do the numbers. Oh, there you go. Look at it. I, we know what you were listening to on the way over here. Kyra Russell's the guy who does Marketplace on NPR. Let's do the numbers. Oh, there you go. I'm Will Campos. I play

Henry. It's a little smarmier. Yeah, well, okay, well, there's only so smarmy I can get. I'm not a smarmy person, so. Boy, this is a wild intro. We're just trying very hard to distract ourselves from the fact that you might literally eat a kid or all of you are going to die. This might be the last episode. This could genuinely be an episode where very very bad things

happen to derail the entire podcast so let's let's enjoy playing in the space so my name's i play henry oak birkenstock rock and granola munch and crunchy hippie nature druid dad and my henry fact this week is that henry's done a lot of magic, but did you know Henry knows one magic trick? Okay. It's a mentalism trick. Okay. He likes to bust it out at parties. I need one volunteer from the audience of four people in front of me to be my partner

for this mentalism trick. Oh, I would. I love magic, Henry. All right. Step on up. What's your name, sir? My name's Daryl Wilson. Oh, this is great.

Daryl, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Handshake. Big handshake. Nice to meet you. Hey, that's a strong grip. All right. This is the first time they've met? Yeah, this is canonically Daryl and Henry origin. This, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Handshake. Big handshake. Hey, that's a strong grip. All right. This is the first time they've met?

Yeah, this is canonically Daryl and Henry origin. Okay, this is good. This is how Henry and Daryl met. It was at a soccer game, and Henry did this magic trick. Bet you guys didn't expect a flashback in the intro. Daryl, hey, I got a magic trick for you. All right. So this is one I've been working on.

Hey, Grant, stay center. Stay center, Grant. Oh, my God. Is that your kid up there? Stop yelling at me. I know. Okay. Sorry about that. Great kick. I can tell you where you got your

shoes. I doubt. Okay. Mr. Magic Man, let's see. You got them on your feet. You son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. Cut to black. Flash forward years later. Flash later and they're kissing no no cut to the van ride home between daryl and his kid hey grant want want to see a magic trick uh yeah sure yeah you didn't

know your dad could do magic could do huh no check? No. Check this out. I didn't. My shoes. You got shoes on? Yeah, I'm wearing my soccer cleats. I bet I know where you got them. Yeah, because you bought them for me. But I know where you got them from. Yeah, the shoe store where you bought. We went together.

I had to get sized for them. What are you doing? You want to text mom and see if she needs milk or something? Hey, you want to text mom and see if she needs milk or something? Oh, my God. On that note, hi. My name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally stunted stepfather and rogue. Guys, I'm excited about my dad fact this week.

Okay. Ron Stampler, out of respect respect refers to celebrities by their full names like they're given names so there's like okay so okay a couple examples a couple examples brad pitt is bradley pitt you know it's uh kimberly kardashian george raymond richard martin It's Kimberly Kardashian, George Raymond Richard Martin, George R.R. Martin here, Chancellor Jonathan Bennett, the rapper, .5 US dollar, the rapper, Wynonna Ryder rider i hardly know her and then the rock he just calls the rock wait so is this does does ron meet celebrities or

this is just amongst friends this is just amongst friends actually anybody he meets like he's very respectful about like the given names of people and but not us uh no so we now know ron doesn't respect any of us. Notice, if you go back and listen to the episodes, I don't know why you would, but Ron is the only person who does not give CERN a nickname. I did not speak because I couldn't think fast enough. And so, yeah.

Interesting. Well, hopefully he respects you enough to not kill you. I somehow doubt it. Okay. Anthony. Daddy. I'm Anthony Birch you enough to not kill you. I somehow doubt it. Okay, Anthony. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. And there's no need to worry.

Our lawyers are on it. And if everything goes according to plan, Pixar will be a fucking wet red smudge on the pages of history when our lawyers are fucking done with them. Because in the trailer for Onward, the next fucking Pixar movie, it's literally a story about fucking Tom Holland and Chris Pratt in this fantasy universe going to revive their dad

because they do a revivigation spell on him that starts from his feet and moves upward and it gets interrupted midway through. And so the entire movie is them going around with their dad who is just a sentient pair of pants. It's just his legs. It's literally Ron Stampler level of shit with a bunch of sight gags of like,

it's fucking. That's the actual concept of the movie. That is genuinely the concept. Cause I was 50, 50. And then I saw, I was like, all right,

you got my money. Pixar. Just go ahead. It was literally the hook that was like, now I want to watch it. It's too bad. We're going to have to, well,

I will just own Pixar. We won't stop. We'll get to watch it for free. In fact, is that because of us? Don't worry. You're not going to get Cars 4. No.

Yeah. It must be better underneath our leadership. I'm excited to go to the YouTube comments and be like, well, well, well, I happen to play a sentient pair of pants on a podcast. Take that, Pixar. So we're better than Wendy's. We're better than Pixar. Who else?

Who else do we want to take a shot at? Yeah. I think it's time we stop making these people wait. I think it's time we get into this episode. When we last left you, CERN was throwing a rock at Daryl. So, Daryl... Wait, before we dive in, I did roll to see what kind of rock it was. You did.

That was the cliffhanger that we left these fine folks on. I just want to make sure the people know that I rolled a nine. A nine. Okay, a big one. What color is it? A color? It's green because it's got the grass on top of it. It's like the end in the brown beneath it.

It's cute. It's a green stone, guys. Duck. Okay, so he's going to roll, and he gets plus 11 to hit. Jesus, Louise. If the grass side hits me. Natural 20. What?

Oh, yay. Natural 20. That's very bad. Oh, no. Okay. Well, that's the end of the podcast, everybody. Okay, we don't even have to worry about getting to the moral conundrum that is eating your son's flesh. We don't even have to worry about Pixar.

All right, so this is going for you, Daryl. Okay. Speaking of giant stone coming at me, I'm going to, as a reaction, do stone's endurance. Oh, great. Which will reduce damage to me by 1d12 plus three. Oh, great. Roll your stone's endurance so we know exactly what's getting reduced. And I'll tell you how much you do take.

Eight plus three. So minus 11. So he's going to roll 8d10 plus seven uh if he just normally hit you it would have been 4d10 plus seven but he critted so it's 8d10 plus seven how big was this rocky through it was fucking massive so this is crazy because you guys killed terry senior right and he was a challenge level 13 bad guy i've chosen to make cern a fire giant he's wearing fire giants armor that gives him fire giant abilities. It's only challenge

level nine. So it's crazy that there's much damage is like he's well balanced. He's basically in a big mech suit that is fire giant armor.

But yeah, he is. He is well balanced for a group of four level nine people and you're all like level five. So he's like twice your level right now

essentially. There's bones. Let's do it. You did the damage. All right. So that's I probably won't die. So let's. Let's do it. You did it. You did the damage. All right. So that's. I probably won't die. So let's roll a lot of tens.

Sure. Maybe he didn't get disadvantaged at the shock of seeing his good friend, Daryl. That he explicitly knew he was coming here to kill. Yeah. You came here for you. It's different when you finally see the person's face, you know? It's like double indemnity. Like when he walks in, she's like, I can't do it anymore.

So how much health do you have i have 55 okay great so you're fine he did 54 damage to you minus your 11 is uh he only did 43 because that dad joke before i have six health left okay great but he doesn't have another rock in his back pocket no that was it for that turn you can see that Cern is inside this suit of armor that's got smoke and flames sort of coming out of a space around his neck. Like he's clearly too small for this fucking suit of armor,

but he's sort of trying to manipulate it using like a series of sticks and stuff that seem to go out to the arms and the legs of this fucking thing. Pacific Cern. Yeah. Every single time he does anything, he's going to have to roll dexterity

to see if he can even stay on his fucking feet because he's just not well suited for this suit of armor. So he does stay on his feet for this one. And now it is all of your turns to roll initiative. Roll them bones, people. Initiative five. All right, Nate. I got a two, so if he wants to attack me, I guess I'm dead, everybody.

I got 18 plus two, so 20. I have no idea what I would do, though. The problem is that... Stand in front of me. We all go before he goes. Yeah, he just went. So, Beth, you're next. I have a question. Where is the hotties and Grant? They're hanging out with me. They are outside with you. Grant's still inside, trying

to get off that stupid goblin suit that he was wearing when you guys were talking. So, Grant didn't see that. Okay. But the hotties are here. But the hotties are here, yes. So they roll for initiative? Okay, so I'll make them roll for initiative. So they're going to go after you, Beth, in the initiative order. It is CERN.

It is CERN. How are we all feeling? I don't want to kill CERN, even though he threw a giant rock at me. Oh my God, guys, CERN, what do we do? CERN, whoo, hell of a throw. You got me, that's for sure. Hey, you know, why don't you come down and talk?

Cooler heads prevail and all that. Let's talk this out before one of us gets hurt. So he says, cooler heads, do I look cool to you? And his armor glows bright crimson red, and smoke comes out of the neck, and you can just tell. Whatever the hell armor place he got this from, it was a fire-themed place.

Come on, Cern, you're better than that. You don't need to throw out Batman Robin-style puns at me. Like, you know, let's talk. Yeah, Cern, you don't need to be so cold-blooded. Ooh, okay. That's good. That's, uh... I don't know if that's a dad joke. That's just a good pun. But you can get advantage. You get inspiration for it.

You get a golf clap. Yeah, you get a golf clap. Thanks, guys. Thanks. Yeah, no, I recognize that it was the guy you called Lizard Boy, and then I was trying to find who that was in my memory, and then I was like, Reptile Lizard, that's cold-blooded. So that's where I got that reference when I said cold-blooded.

While the dads are vamping, I'm going to try to do a perception check on CERN's rig here to see if it has any 16-bit SNES boss-style glowing weak points on this giant enemy crab. That's an 11.

An 11 tells you that there doesn't seem to be, at least to you, any immediately obvious weak point, but that any suit of armor, if you got really rowdy and got close to it, you could probably use some strength checks to try to pry individual pieces of the armor off. Is it powered or anything?

You can basically tell that it is magically infused to give him some extra strength, but it's not like there's no engine in there driving it. Okay. Other than him and his sticks that he's using to manipulate the arms and legs. What if I tried to trip him? You could absolutely try to do that.

Like if I stilted over there my stilts and he's all tall and his suit stilts. Mech battle?, if I stilted over there in my stilts and he's all tall in his suit stilts. Mech battle? Yeah, and then I just take one of my stilts and I trip him with it. That's pretty fucking good. Ron, sweep the leg! Okay, I'm gonna try to sweep the leg, guys. Alright, I walk toward

CERN with my stilts. I say, hi! Hi! Funny seeing you here again. Funny seeing you again at hi. Funny seeing you here again. Funny seeing you again at all. Funny to me under these circumstances. I just try to trip him. Okay, go ahead and give me just a normal melee attack roll.

Just use your stats and your plus to hit for that or whatever. I got 18 plus 2. That's 20. I'm at 20. Okay, so he's going to do an opposed dexterity save, but he has very bad dexterity, so... Yeah. Describe how the tripping works, because it works.

You tell me what happens. I feel like I'm distracting him with one hand, like I'm offering a dad handshake from the dads collectively, thinking about Cern's good memories of us that he clearly doesn't have, and then say that's my right hand. And then I take my left hand and my left stilt and just sweep the leg.

Fantastic. All right. And then when he falls, I'm like, Glenn told me to sweep the leg. I heard Glenn say it. I was here. Okay, so he gets knocked prone and he will take a D4 of damage

from rattling around inside that thing. Okay, so now it is the hotties turns kello demall is going to be like oh shit we should probably i feel like we should hide this is not really our thing do you want to and she looks at yeah get off your kids this is don't worry about us we'll figure it out just take care of grant this foe is beyond any of you all right uh so so yeet bigly goes got it i'll get the kid and we'll bounce. Tell Grant I love him in case this goes down. Yeet's like, probably not going to do that. Kill's like, I'm probably not going to do that either.

No, you really should. Come on, kids. Tell him that he loves his dad. What's wrong with you? Oh, OK. So as you're yelling that, then Grant comes out of the haberdashery and sees. So you're just like bloodied, right? Yeah.

Yeah. So he sees you like blood is like pouring down your fucking body. And he goes like, dad, oh, oh no and as he comes out CERN looks at him and he goes that's right watch this watch this child and so the hotties are gonna run and grab Grant okay so uh Kellen Amal runs to go grab him but she's not strong enough to do it on her own so eat bigly critical fails fails. Uh-oh. So he just fucking face plants and loses all the points from his skateboarding combo

that he's been building his entire life. Man. Got too greedy. Should have stuck the landing instead of going for that extra revert. He was manualling too long. He was doing that jumpy manual. It gets more unstable the longer you manual.

Tears are streaming down my face. So he just fell? Yeah, now it is Henry's turn. First things first, we got to patch up our boy, Daryl. Your boy? It's your boy. I'm going to cast Healing Word. That's going to be that third level Healing Word.

And the Healing Word this week is heal. How have I never heard that joke before? That's fucking perfection. That's so good actually no shit I don't want to do healing no no no no it's the wrong spell there's cure wounds is probably better yes I want to cure wounds that's the shit I want

I cure wounds so that's 3d8 plus 3 what's the it's the butt to butt one it's the butt to butt pyramid two pyramids ass to ass you get 14 health back my man alright thank you very much Grant you gotta get out of here. It's crazy dangerous right now. It's super

unsafe. Your dad's fine. We're taking care of him. He wants you to know that he loves him. Go ahead and roll. You. He loves the guy who killed him? Roll persuasion. I do love Cern. 18. So that'll work. Okay, I guess. And he looks so scared and out of it that he just runs back into the haberdashery and you sort of lose sight of him.

I give Daryl the double thumbs up. I gave you a big double thumbs up to the blood is running down your fucking your knuckles and your face better thanks thanks henry no prob bro okay so it is glenn's turn hmm matt's you're up next right yeah okay and he's on the ground he's prone i feel like this is going to be a classic a bard move i'm going to try and cast hold person yes on pop open his armor like a can opener i'm gonna say hey man cool it that's your catchphrase now yeah uh wisdom saving throw 14 to not be held gently by my spell. Okay. He fails. So what does hold person look like to you? Hold person is like me being like,

hey, cool it. And then the person doesn't move. Okay, great. It's like they're kind of like, yeah. No motion. Yeah, he's like struggling to get back up. And then you say, hey, cool. And he just like stops.

It's like unlike when someone says, in an argument, the worst thing you say is tell someone to calm down. It actually has worked for glenn his whole life every time someone's in the argument he's like hey man calm down and instead of like everyone like being pissed which is what always happens that's insane it actually works so he's never known any other way used to believe this i've been able to go along with every crazy fantasy thing that we said on this podcast but the idea of someone actually calming down when you tell them to calm down in an argument i i refuse to believe it's basically

a superpower if that's true well just what just what a rock star what an absolute legend he's just like nah man it's something about the shredded jeans and like the generally cool demeanor and the fact that most of the time he's probably baked out of his mind and the people he's talking to are also baked out their minds like kind of like i could see patrick swayze and roadhouse pulling that off being like hey calm down my friend there are there are those who have true calm down energy apparently glenn is one of them and glenn's one of them he doesn't even know it he's just like hey man cool it and then it happens i feel like glenn is one of those guys that the person would be like are you fought and then walk away and he'd be like yeah they calm

down they left the argument it worked like they calm down so hold person uh what does it specifically say that he's just like frozen in place a human creature target must succeed on wisdom saving throw at the end of its turns the target can make another wisdom saving throw on a success the spell ends so you're paralyzed for the duration paralyzed okay cool now hang on folks i can hear you all screaming at your podcast players out there in radio land. Glenn's also going to draw deep within his font of bardic wisdom and cast a bonus action. A little thing known as bardic inspiration. What does that do?

I swear this is amazing. This fucking podcast as a bonus action, a creature other than me within 60 feet that can hear me gains an inspiration die, 1d8. For 10 minutes, the creature can add it to one ability check, attack roll, or saving throw. Are you fucking kidding me? You've had that this whole time? You know, it's been inside you the entire time, actually. Think about the number of times. You could have fixed digging through shit.

You guys would have won away. No, no, it has to be other than me because I'm already full. This is the perfect Glenn move. It's because it's this thing he could have done for someone else that he didn't do. Because it's not me. Why would I help somebody who's not me? Yeah, it literally makes no sense for Glenn to pull this out. This is insane. To add a small thing to this one, Matt, will be how often can you use it uh three times per short rest okay good that's every single time

you do anything that's so much you will eight to add to a roll this you'll love this one uh this can be added after seeing your role but before knowing the outcome so you can basically choose to drop in that one d8 shit that's amazing you know what it is is glenn throws my guitar pick yeah like in the crowd i flick a guitar pick to you and then on it it says it was in you all along like printed

on like it's custom like i have custom printed guitar picks you have pockets just fucking full of these goddamn well you know the jeans pockets the little like weird third pocket yeah that's full bulging full good custom glenn close trio guitar picks that on the other side say it was inside you all along i grab it always had the power to calm down i grab it out a minute i go oh thanks this will do i start picking my teeth like i like i got something in my teeth all right it's. That's great. All right, it is your turn now. Actually, really quick. Is the armor magic?

Yeah. I got the axe. You got the war cleaver, right? I was wondering about that. So I walk up to Cern. I go, Cern, buddy, I know you're upset, man, but we can't do it this way. Sorry, I got to get you out of that armor, dude.

We can talk through this. In what has become an unfortunately very familiar sight to you in the last few hours, he just looks up at you frozen and furious. His eyes trying to communicate as much hatred as he possibly can while his body refuses to move at all. Hey, man, I know you got a lot of hate in your heart right now, but I forgive you for throwing that big rock. I'm sure you're not sorry for throwing it at me. But anyways, I want to break the armor without hurting him.

You boop the armor. Roll for boop. So because he is prone and paralyzed, any attacks against him have advantage. Yeah. So go ahead and just roll an attack on him with advantage. I got 22.

Okay, so describe how you're going to cut him out of this thing. Like a can of tuna. Like I'm going to like... Like for him probably, like not his neck, probably like his butt. Like crack open that butt.

Like a can of tuna. I'm so glad I asked. And then like, you know, then ratchet the axe back and forth like a can of tuna and cut it straight down the middle. You always start at the asshole of the tuna can. Just in case it goes too far.

You know when they cut the cast off, I'm always afraid they're going to cut the person's arm. I don't want it to accidentally hit his neck. Worst case scenario, I cut his butt. It's not as bad as cutting the neck. So I cut the butt and then I go up. I should have been asking you guys to describe what you do from the very beginning of this podcast. And I slice it down the middle, and then hopefully it pops open.

The butt right down the middle? Because it's pre-cracked back. The armor's butt. Yeah, all butts are pre-cracked. Armor's butt up to his neck, and then hopefully it pops open like an oyster. That is exactly what happens with a 22 and there's like a and like fucking steam comes out because this thing's so hot on the inside and you see cern's little lizard body trying to move but it just fucking can't and

he's like facing away from me so he can't even look at you angrily because he's going to pick him up go ahead and use your free action to pick him out because he's fucking i pick him up and i and i hug him and he's just i go i'm so sorry buddy I hug him. And he's just... I go, I'm so sorry, buddy. I'm so sorry. So how are we doing the hit points on the armor? Because did he just, like... Are we just saying, like, he just got him? Because it's magical,

and he was using it like a magic item. Oh, that's right. It's the word cleaver. So basically, magic item. Also, give me a wisdom check to see if the word cleaver breaks or not, because it's so powerful. We're going to do that for every good magical item.

Rest in peace, advisor of spelling stuff. The reviser. I'm assuming a four is going to break it. As the thing pops open like an oyster, as you so aptly described, the word cleaver shatters in your hands as well, and it is now no more. It's too booty-shaking for this world.

And so we're out of combat now because he doesn't have his fucking armor anymore. So I'm going to restart that timer for the four knights. All all he's gonna do is try to see if he can save against this shit uh okay so he barely saves so he goes you motherfucker god damn it i knew i should i i even knew that you had the warren cleaver i should have picked anything other i could have hired mercenaries i could have learned magic i thought is a shortcut. I'll just use this and not have to learn magic. But fuck. Oh, God damn it.

Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck. It's not your fault. I know it's not my fault. It's your fault. You piece of shit. Hey, Cern, calm down.

Oh, no. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. My crit failed. God damn it. He fucking, like, his eyes literally go red as a blood vessel bursts in one of his eyes and blood starts just, like, pooling into his fucking cornea.

And he goes, don't you fucking tell me to calm down, you pieces of shit. You fucking decided it would be funny, it would be funny, I guess, to just throw a pyramid down on my fucking kid. Fuck you. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Sir, your kids would not want you to throw your life away. be funny it would be funny i guess to just throw a pyramid down on my fucking kid fuck you hey hey hey hey sir your kids would not want you to throw your life away it doesn't matter what my kids know what it does because they're dead it doesn't matter want anything maybe not be dead because you're a good person sir and we didn't try to kill your kids it was a tragic accident we didn't do anything on purpose and it's horrible that happened and we've done everything we can trying to get out of this and through this and look look, I'm not mad at you for throwing that giant rock at me. I understand it.

I'm just a little bit disappointed in you. Roll persuasion. That's a natural 20. Whoa! Shit! That overcomes the best nat one. So, yes. His blood vessel unbreaks.

And when you say you're not mad you're disappointed his shoulders just go slack and he goes limp in your fucking arms and he goes like yeah i'm disappointed too because i should have been there i should have been around to save them but i wasn't i was busy trying to help borianis summon the doodler and uh now my kids are dead so that's on me that's that's on me there's nothing i'm gonna say that's not gonna make you stop blaming yourself but as a parent we just do the best that we can and you're doing what you thought was right and your kids were in the wrong place at the wrong time it's horrible what happened but the last thing they would want is you throwing your life away in this stupid game and killing some people who will help you you know in this

crazy world we've done a lot of crazy stuff. And, you know, out of everybody that we've met, you're probably the only one I would call a friend. About 50 miles away, Peyton's like, hey, what? There's some people I've met that I consider like a son. About five feet away, Peyton goes, wait, what? Hey, sir, lizard boy scales mix stuffings. I just want to say that, you know, sometimes people die and they can't maybe see you doing good things. But that doesn't mean that you're not doing good things.

And you can make them proud even when they're not there to see it. Like you can do really cool things with stilts, and you can sing really good. And even if he's not there to say, good job, son, then that doesn't mean that you're not doing a really good job and becoming a celebrity. All right, roll persuasion. I got him one again.

This is really devastating, actually. It's okay, Ron. I don't understand what is happening with our dice. It's okay. Ron, get in here. Give him a hug. Group hug. Just so you guys know just mechanically what's going on,

it's very similar to what happened when you tried to convince Terry Jr. So he's got wins and losses. Right now, you have two out of five successes for convincing him to basically not kill you. And with two natural ones, he is exactly one failure away from basically being unreachable. Then we got to do a group hug. We got to do the dad mech, dad bod hug.

It's like one at a time. Ron, are you coming in for this hug? I'm coming in. So while we're all huddled around, Glenn pulls out his acoustic guitar of indeterminate origin and just slowly mournfully starts strumming Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. So that's going to give Henry, specifically big Leonard Cohen fan over there,

deep founts of bardic inspiration. So that's the second time I've cast it now. See? Making up for lost time. It's like unkinking a hose. Should Ron sing it? Since nothing has gotten to CERN other than Ron singing. That's so good.

If you do that, I will let you roll performance with advantage to reach him. Because we still need three more things. Cern, there's nothing we can say or do to bring your kids back. And what happened was the most senseless tragedy I could imagine a father going through. As fathers ourselves, to lose your child, to lose two children. I have two boys myself. And if I had to lose them and go through what you did, I don't think I could hold myself together. So from the bottom of our hearts,

we apologize. We love you. And we would like to show you that we love you by giving you a big group hug. That always makes me feel better. And I'm hoping it'll make you feel better too. Henry, you're right. There's nothing that we could say to make it better. But maybe, just maybe, there's something we could sing. Both of you roll performance with advantage. Although he's never heard you play guitar because you were on the other team. That's true, but I'm good at performances, though. I got an 18.

So that's 15, but I have a plus 9 performance, so that's a 24. Yeah, man, that's my whole gig. Do you want to roll for persuasion for my thing? Well, first I'm going to roll to see if the music affects him because that will be a point on its own. Okay. Power of music, baby. Yes.

So it does. As your guitar begins to spool up and as he hears the dulcet chords of Ron's dual. You know, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major fall. You didn't have him at the fourth, but when you got to the fifth, he was like, oh, shit the fifth, the minor fall, the major fall. You didn't have him at the fourth, but when you got to the fifth, he was like, oh, shit. Oh, man.

Okay, so it works. Okay, now go ahead. I'm coming in for the big group hug. Here we go. Remember, you have an extra one D8 you can use. 15. So you can choose, before I tell you what the result is,

to add the D8 or not. That's with the D8. That's with the D8? That's with the D8. No with the d8 with the d8 no no it's fine i was i was i was i was bluffing he rolled a 14 i was bluffing oh my god for real yeah okay so you come in for the hug and he like begins to resist against it but then just the force of your body just sort of like he just sort of goes limp inside of you but he's still like his you can still feel his muscles are a little bit he's not trying to push you away yeah he's rock

hard um okay so right now where you stand is you have one victory left or one failure left whatever the next thing you do is determines how this turns out do you want to go in for a big daryl wilson handshake like a the beef is quashed you got it You got him in the hug position now. So all three of us are hugging. Daryl sweep the leg. And then you just snap his neck. That'd be so dark. Give him finger guns and wink.

I open my arms up to let Henry in and I hug Cern really tight. I go there's a lot of anger in there man. You just have to let it out. Trust me. You gotta let it out, man. I'm sorry, and we all love you. Just let it out. Give me the roll. Just a straight persuasion. A 15?

No. Okay. He bursts into tears tears just streamed down his face and whatever resistance he was putting up just goes away and he just keeps saying they're gone i wish they weren't stuff that's you know when people are really mourning they don't say things are particularly eloquent and he just keeps repeating them over and over and over again as you hug him tighter to your body and your your shirt begins to get wet from his lizard boy scale mixed up in tears and daryl's tears start wetting his shirt as well as he is now also weeping and as you are crying holding lizard boy scales mixed up in her cern as he's crying you can hear footsteps behind you and if you were to turn around you would see eat bigly and kill them all and uh your son grant so two sets of footsteps and like

trucks yeah yeah the trucks of wheels going through grass or just a guy constantly ollieing everywhere he goes and grant is looking at this with utter perplexion like his eyes are beginning to tear up and he looks confused like he doesn't't know why. And he's just like, what is that? What's going on? I turned to Grant with obviously big tears in my eyes. And I go, come here, buddy. And yeah, he does. He still looks very confused, but he walks towards you.

I give him a big hug. This is Cern or Lizard Boy McStuffins. He was a good friend of ours at the beginning of this trip. He helped us through a lot but um his two children passed away and we were trying to escape and tragedy happened and part of what we did you know unfortunately caused his kids to die and you killed his kids indirectly yeah we were we did we were we were fighting monsters and we did a big spell that unfortunately killed his kids also and uh yeah we've been through a lot.

Grant looks at Cerny, he goes, I'm really sorry. And Cerny just keeps crying because he's, that ain't going to stop anytime soon. Grant looks at you and he says, I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. It's okay, kiddo. You know, it's, uh, stuff like this happens, especially in,

he looks, he's crying. He's like, I mean, it's, it's okay for it to not be okay. No, it's,

it's definitely, it's, it's definitely, it's not your, i've never seen you cry before no even like rudy oh my god he goes you know what i forgot about rudy right yeah yeah i forgot about a little guy just the whole team lets him in at the last second you know something about winning it's just yeah ron wasn't crying but then he thought about rudy and started crying he's like yeah i looked up that movie on wikipedia it's it was a little bit less heroic but more but yeah no yeah okay um you're right you didn't but it's okay i mean it's do you

want to like talk about because you killed i mean oh i grant i i definitely want to talk the only reason i i don't know about talking about everything is how much is there like a timer up around here grant like how much time do we have before like uh oops i have my computer muted as you open your mouth to respond to that you hear the voice of will campos doing the Greg Proops guy. on out of there because you've got a big old hat full of poison. They sell other stuff besides hats, right? I wasn't really clear on what we decided. Have a dash razor follow. Maybe it's a last chance blowout sale if you want to pick up some clothes before you make your dash out of there. Okay, so now I'm starting a new 15-minute timer until this place fills with poison. Grant turns back to you to speak again, but then you hear the beating of wings.

And as you follow the noise, you see an owl, a magpie, and a crow sort of flying in from the distance. And they're all holding a bunch of leaves in their talons. They all stop in front of you, and they drop the leaves on the ground. As you're looking, the leaves begin to arrange themselves and like animate. And you see as if it was drawn by leaves, like pointillism.

You see Aaron O'Neill's visage staring back at you. Oh, I get it. It's like the owl and stuff. Yeah, from The Witch's Dead. Oh my gosh. You were saving Aaron O'Neill. This is fabulous. That's why you guys were all like, because I wasn't in that.

I didn't get it. I was like, I I wasn't in that. I didn't get it. I was like, I get this reference. Clearly, I didn't get it either. If you're wondering what the heck we're talking about, last month's monthly bonus of indeterminate content for $10 up patrons was we played a Grant Howitt one shot called The Witch is Dead, where Will Beth and I played the birds who just flew in here and were apparently the witch we revived was canonically Aaron O'Neill. If you'd like to be less like Matt and more like the rest of us, you go on Patreon subscriber and you can listen to the bonus episode. The witch is dead. See,

Matt was lame and hasn't paid for Patreon. So he couldn't hear this. So he wasn't even got to be a part of the one. I have to shout out to our fans in the discord in our community discord. It was their idea that the witch be Aaron O'Neill, and that was such a cool idea. I thought it would be fun to go with. The two-dimensional leaf version of Aaron O'Neill goes, hey, guys, what's going on? How are you doing?

Are you okay? Ah, the time of faces spell. It's my FaceTime spell. No, I mean, you know, we're alive, so that's good. But, you know, we're not doing super great. A lot's been going on. Crazy shit, Aaron. We found Grant. but you know we're not doing super great a lot's been going on crazy shit aaron uh we found a grant

we found daryl's kid but we've only got a couple of hours left before some other face time has to happen um vis-a-vis dinner that's face skin time yeah yes i mean grant you don't need i think he's kind of figured out but if he doesn't grant you you should know what's going on is like there was a blood pact that was made when we went to the guy who enslaved you and your friends. And he tricked us into a blood pact that when we found you, that's why we went for you last, son. It wasn't because we still hadn't figured out what to do. But we have 24 hours since we saw you to, again, this is not going to happen. We have 24 hours to eat your face.

It's either that or we all die. And believe me, the four of us will die before we kill you. But we only got a few more hours to figure this out. face it's either that or we all die and believe me the four of us will die before we kill you but we got we only got a few more hours to figure this out uh so grant looks at you with like just shock on his face i think it was like you found the other kids where the other kids it's a long story grant uh well we'll get into it in a second but we really do need to figure out how the heck we're gonna get out of here so aaron says yeah that's why i wanted to talk to you i need to lay out all the options that you have because I can't decide this

for you, but it could get real, real bad. So I just want to reiterate so that everybody knows what's at stake here. I, Aaron O'Neill, this character. So Aaron says to reiterate the confines of this spell basically say that you were going to eat your kid's skin. So if he's not a kid anymore, like if he becomes a man or changes fundamentally in some way and if some element of who he is changes such that you look at him and go oh that's not my son anymore or oh that's a man or something like that maybe that'll count and you won't have to do it and the blood bag won't have a packers fan grant grant pats you on the shoulder and says, I will never be a Packers fan. Don't you worry about that, father.

If you don't do that and the time runs up and you haven't eaten his flesh, then all four of you are going to die. There's no other way I can put it. Your hearts are going to stop and you will die and I don't know what happens to you after that point. None of us do. Are we going to heaven?

Yeah. I mean, oh, yay. Aaron's like, ah. And the birds are like, ooh. And Henry's like, eh. Because, yeah, if you've listened to The Witch is Dead, Aaron has been dead. Or if you've read the books of Christopher Hitchens

like Henry has. Daryl, my friend, let me introduce you to the blind watchmaker. And Aaron says, okay, so, and also there's the deck of many things, right? So you could also try to draw from the deck of many things because there's a specific card in there called the fates that if you draw that card, you can undo basically any event as if it never happens. You could undo the fact that you signed the blood pact in the first place, but the deck of many things is also really really really rowdy and there are insane ass things in the deck of many things that could happen so you guys end up

in the top five of four nights then you'll get the deck of many things essentially well we have to survive four nights first regardless right don't we have to get out of here and not die isn't that like kind of priority one still how How many people are even left? Yeah, how much? We got three groups right here. And how much time will we have after we win Fortnite? So after you win Fortnite, you will have exactly 30 minutes. Okay. Well, can we just like sort of brainstorm ways that Grant could not be himself anymore,

like becoming a Packers fan, which I don't approve of, but still an option. And then, you know, as he killed anyone, you see CERN looking up from the group, tears beginning to dry on his cheeks. And he says, has he killed anyone? No, he hasn't. I definitely I mean, it does change you. To be fair, there are some Packers fans that have not killed people. To be fair, there are some Packers fans that have not killed people. Cern says he could kill somebody. That seems like a little too much. Hold up.

Who are you thinking about, Cern? I feel like he would basically just be punching a ticket that was going to get punched anyway. Man, that's dark. Whoa. Yeah. For real, Cern? No, that's not happening. I don that's dark. Whoa. Yeah. For real, sir? No, that's not happening. I don't, I don't.

You guys are, I mean, you're nice, but like, I can't, I can't keep doing this. This is, I had them to live for, and then I had being, you're in your rookie life debt to live for, and then I had killing you to live for, and now I got fucking nothing. Well, sir, you can still live to kill us. fucking nothing sir you can still live to kill us i never quite got you sir and i can't give you something to live for buddy but we're not going to kill you and i just know that personally i could use you around right now okay all right quick dad all quick Okay, guys. So I guess Grant killing somebody is definitely an option. It doesn't seem like the best option,

but I don't know if that's any more or less traumatizing than watching all four of us die in front of them. Yeah, I'm not crazy on the making your 13-year-old son kill a man. Yeah, man. That's like some Conan the Barbarian shit. Falling in love is one thing, but telling somebody you love them. I know for me personally, it was a big defining moment in my life when i finally told carol how i feel what about saving a life like you know if he's gonna be so changed about killing someone like what about saving

something i don't know if we can like construct a way for him to save somebody and it'd be real what if i fall down i'm like oh save me well what i was getting at was what i was getting at was... What I was getting at was... Oh, I got lightheaded. Look, this may not work, but you know, it's better than nothing. I was going to say, it's pretty clear to me that Grant likes that Yeet Bigly kid. You know, I was picking

up on a vibe between the two of them, too. Yeah, I don't know. Like, maybe it's a little weird to, you know, kind of, you know, love Blooms on the battlefield and all that but like you know that could be like a thing that maybe he you know maybe he talks to yeet and not all the dads have played and love mel gersal yeah so maybe he talks to eat bigly and uh you know what so you're saying we could make like amazon and ship it. Yeah. No, I think it would be great. Grant's really introverted.

I met... He's in eighth grade, but I met Carol in high school, so it's not that far apart. I'm not saying they're going to get married or anything necessarily, but you could at least tell a kid that he likes them. I don't know if that's enough. I'm worried that it wouldn't be enough to like... How do we... Is there any...

Hey, Aaron? Yeah. Do we know if the, is there any, Hey Aaron? Yeah. Do we know if the curse is broken once it's broken? Is there like a mood ring or something he could be wearing? Yes. Yes. The paper that you have, the one with the image of him screaming in agony forever,

that will just incinerate instantly. Oh, so we could just like try things. Yeah, absolutely. Poison begins to stream out of the ground beneath you guys. It's just happening so everybody roll a d6 and take that much damage you see you chatted for 15 minutes that took a lot glenn saw poison in

concert so he actually took two damage i took a six i got a six two wow grant takes a six and he begins to cough and like you know what it is? It's because Glenn has smoked so many substances that he's like, alright. The lungs are just so charred at this point. Daryl's running. Let's go, let's go, let's go. You can either normally run and take another D6 of damage or you can sprint and

almost certainly give away your position but not have to take the extra D6 of damage. Can I see if I can grab a few t-shirts to put over our faces? Yeah, why don't you make an investigation roll? Four. No, take extra D6 of damage. Can I see if I can grab a few t-shirts to put over our faces? Yeah, why don't you make an investigation roll? Four. No, take another D6 of damage because you were searching. Grant, save me.

I'm picking up Grant and running. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to need to sprint. I have 15 health. Yeah, I'm sprinting. I'm just going to take a light jog. I'm doing the regular one. I'm going to light jog.

Take another D6 then. D6. D6. Wow. Another de-sex then. De-sex. De-sex. Wow. Another three damage. Man, this is great. Glenn's like, hey, you know what? This kind of got a cool like incense-y smell to it.

Okay, you come back to zone G once again. When you were here last time, you saw two combatants fighting. One of them is dead now. All of you guys represent three of the remaining factions. So there's the Hotties, there's the doodlers, and there's CERN. So that's three factions. You come back. Pacific CERN.

Pacific CERN. As you come back to the tavern. Pack CERN, if you will. Wow. Holy shit. Wheels within wheels. Baby, yes. Air high fives all the way over the wheel.

Love it. When you come back here, you see a, what the fuck is a githzeri? What do they look like? It's like a little, it's like a little furry, like rat. They're very cute. They don't have any damage.

No, small insect like creatures about the size of your palm. They're like big, fluffy hearts. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Oh, they're cool looking. So you basically see a guy floating in the air with his legs crossed. A Lakitu. He's doing fucking a Zen pose and shit like that. He's got these really long

elvish ears. He's throwing little spiky balls down. He's kind of Zenyatta-ish, actually, but he's like Zenyatta crossed with Shang Tsung. So Zendaya.

Zendaya, yes. You see Zendaya. You see him basically fighting a chimera, which looked exactly the way that you've seen them in myth and stuff. It's got three heads.

One's a lion, one's a ram, one's a dragon. He's fighting the virus from Mission Impossible 2, Chimera. Perhaps me. Quick, I cast Bellerophon.

Oh, God. Will Campos is on fire tonight. It's the first time in human history somebody has made that specific of a reference to Mission Impossible 2, and that includes Tom Cruise and John Woo. Anthony, would it make you feel better if I didn't want you to do this?

Then feel better. God. So they definitely noticed you guys coming in. But they are fighting. So I'm going to act as weak as possible. I'm going to be like, oh, hey buddies. And then do nothing. Okay, go ahead and roll an intimidation and try to fail. Can you just do like a

bluff? Is there deception? Oh yeah, sorry, do deception. I want to be like like i'll take care of this big guy then i'll clean these dudes up you know like when we're playing apex or we could like fake that we're dying like when we get through i got 11 so he can tell that you are all pretty fucking strong but if you do the math this is five teams in this location right here right now oh wait he sort of looks at you five and he looks at the chimera he's fighting and then he pushes the chimera away and then just starts to build a tower out of stone around himself.

I'm going to start another timer and it's going to be basically 15 minutes and then once that's up, then you will have survived four nights. Can we build a stone tower around us? Yeah, absolutely. Should we build a stone tower? Let's build a stone tower around us.

It's that build strat time. All right, we build. Okay, what are you going to build out of? Stone, wood? I was pointing on that stone. I want to get that nice we build. Okay. What are you going to build out of? Stone, wood? I was pointing on that stone. I want to get that nice stone structure. Okay. We're like three stories up, and then we got like little poke holes.

We have 20 stone. 20 stone. We have 20 stone. We use all the stone to reinforce it and make it as strong as possible. Okay, so tower is 30 stone, so you can make two floors of a tower. Okay, make two floors of a tower. And then the rest in wood? We have 20 stone and 48 wood.

Sure, we make the bottom floors of a tower and then the rest in wood we have 20 stone and 48 wood sure we make the bottom floors of stone and then we do a little wood nice balcony on top that we can sit on and also uh when you guys ran the the big collection of leaves sort of went with you and aaron o'neill is like you guys are building stuff out of wood now i'm just kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding it's magical wood it's not real wood it just behaves the way people think it's fine we're good each of you is going to, I guess, spend your turn in this moment building a tower together. Yeah, sure.

Sure. So we'll just say that happens. I'm sauntering up late to the party because I was just taking a light jog. Right. The hotties were basically like, yeah, building is a very good strat at this point. I feel like we still kind of just want to hide

because it's still not really our problem, I guess. Although, wait. Grant's got to die? That's gotta die that fucking yeets like man that sucks that would that would be so bad if you died you sure you won't want to kill somebody kills like you should absolutely kill somebody killing somebody is like the best it's one of my favorite things it's way easier than you think it is and it gets easier the more that you do it and and i don't know if i don't know if i like these kids you basically like i don't know about that i like i'm not really i'm glad that she does because like i'm alive because of her but like i don't i don't know about that man i don't know i don't know i'm liking this character and grant's like i don't

know either it's like i'm torn between these two competing viewpoints and my dad well maybe we'll just see how this rolls out after four nights is done if there's one thing my dad's taught me it's that we can always talk about it later. And then when we get to the top, I go, hey, congrats, everybody. Hell of a game. All five of us, we won. Congrats. So the chimera is unfortunately not intelligent enough to have that conversation.

So it's going to try to destroy your tower. The chimera multi attacks. So it gets three attacks, one with its bites, one with its horns and one with its claws. So the chimera is going to attack the base of your stone thing. First attack is going to miss. He tries to bite at the stone, but it's just too strong, and he just goes, oh, and his little lion teeth hurt. And then he's going to try to ram it with his horns, and that definitely hits. And then he does, there's a crack in the foundation of the stone tower, but it's not enough to fully break. And then with his third attack,

he's going to use his dragon's claws, and that's going to hit. He basically knocks out one of the three support pillars that give your tower its stability. Give me the sword! Wait. The Dimonard sword. We're going to brace the building with the Dimonard sword.

Just give me the sword. Oh, shit. That's great. I know. Guys brace the building with the Dimitar sword. Just give me the sword. Sounds good. Oh, shit. That's great. I know. Guys, I have a thought. Quick story. The building. We need three.

We need three stories. No, but I think we can save Grant. Okay. When I was about Grant's age for Thanksgiving, my dad had me shoot a turkey. He said, if we're going to have a Thanksgiving dinner, I think it's about time. If we're going to eat meat, you should know where your food comes from. And he gave me the gun, and I I shot the turkey and I was so nervous. I wasn't very good at it.

And it fell to the floor and I watched it sitting there gasping for breath and dying. And I remember watching the turkey, you know, breathing and moving. And my dad put his hand on my shoulder and he said, you know, don't let it suffer. And I shot again and I watched it die. And I did that. And it was a lot. It definitely changed me. I think it was one of the first times as a kid I did something that I knew I could never take back.

And I took something away. It was a lot. I still think about it. And honestly, I haven't gone hunting since. It's just not for me. So anyways, maybe that's like, you know, maybe the chimera is like it's just not for me so anyways maybe that's like you know maybe the chimera is like grant's turkey here's what i think we got to do we have the stone i climb that chimera's neck he warps to me gets on top of his head and stabs it and

kills the chimera you have to teach him the importance of where food comes from in the circle of life and death and we're gonna grill that bad boy and give it to everybody else who won this game with us. Yes. Whoa, you're going to grill down with your boy? I think we got to try to take this thing out. And I can't take Grano of danger forever. I think we got to let him join the battle. Yeah, he protect, he attack, but he's also a big cat.

Let's go for it. So here's the thing. I'm not in the tower. I just, I showed up late because you guys came and built. But I could play the guitar to distract the heads, giving you a chance to jump on it. There we go. All right. So I go down to Grant.

OK. I go, Grant, what are we doing? Look, buddy, I've told you the story of Grandpa teaching me how to hunt like a thousand times. Yeah. Yeah. Like way too many times. I felt like the moral was that you didn't like it that much. I didn't.

I didn't. But you know what? It was an important lesson about where we get our food. I was thinking about going vegetarian. I felt like the moral was that you didn't like it that much. I didn't, I didn't, but you know what? It was an important lesson about where we get our food. I was thinking about going vegetarian. I know, but as I told you, this is a very dangerous situation. Your dad and his friends could die and you know,

you could die too. And I think, son, can you help me? I need your help with this. Okay. I need, I need your help.

Yes. Here's an ax. You're strong. You can, you can, you can swing this. Okay. And you have that stone that you can teleport. Yeah. I'm going's an axe. You're strong. You can swing this. Okay. And you have that stone that you can teleport.

Yeah. I'm going to get up on that chimera. And when it's time. You're looking really bad. Are you sure? No, I'm not sure. But we got to do something. And when I'm up there, I'm going to give you the old doodler cry.

All right. And you're going to get up there and you're going to do that final swing. You're going to. And you know what? If we do it, we're going to grill some chimera burgers. Okay. You like burgers? Double cheese? I was trying to convince myself i didn't because it's it's not sustainable you want some burgers after this he's like fuck yeah i do and grant's like i would love some burgers burger sound burger sound great all right good so henry grabs the dimidoran sword and

he's gonna brace it against the building to give us a third pillar that's fantastic you know yeah you basically have healed the pillar of damage done to the tower. So you bought yourself some more time. That's awesome. We built this tower on Damedo. Okay, so tell me what you're doing next, folks. Oh, I think it's time. I'm going to pull out the Battle Axe of Hatred.

Which gives me advantage on my performance checks. Sick distorted sounds. Play. Walk This Way by Aerosmith. And as I start wailing at the chimerical, walk this way, walk this way. Okay, go ahead and roll performance with advantage. So that was 24 with my plus nine on performance.

And now I need a whirl to see if this thing breaks and unleashes a demon. It's going to be just like the thorns. So we're good for now. So you're good for now. Yeah, you basically just have to not roll a two from now on. Okay. So as the sweet, sweet licks of Aerosmith sail through the Forgotten Realms air

and into the ears and the ears and the ears of the chimera, it turns at you and snarls and just fucking charges at you. So everybody's taking a turn, correct? I haven't.'t okay go ahead um i honestly think i'll just like hang out with cern perfect yeah what are you saying to him i try to put my arm around him cern just sort of moves outside just kind of like dodges the arm he's like i don't i nod stoically okay you're gonna get multi-attacked glenn get ready for it so the first he tries to bite you with his lion fangs and just complete whiff and then he's gonna try to speed up a little bit rammy with the horns okay so he's gonna do

wolf max damage he has 16 damage to you and then he's gonna try to swipe you with his dragon claws there are so many natural 20s in this episode oh shit and with the claw he does you're gonna get knocked out jesus a lot of 14 damage how much hp do you have that takes me from 10 to negative 4 oh oh shit okay so you are you are knocked down i'm in death save world now yeah you're you're gonna have to do some death saves we quick saved right before this battle right so because you're down if you have zero hit points the best way to save a creature with zero hit points is to heal it if healing is unavailable the creature can be uh stabilized with a wisdom medicine check whenever you start your turn with zero hit points you have to make a death

saving throw to determine whether you creep closer or further away from death. And you just got to get a 10 or higher. And you need three successes to stabilize. And if you get three failures, you die. Ooh, baby. Okay, so now I feel like this feels pretty much like combat now that one of y'all got knocked out. So let's go ahead and roll

initiative again, please. 19. I got a 3. I got a 4. Matt, you haven't thought your thing all the way through what it's not gonna be able to one hit this guy i mean we're gonna hit him too if he doesn't look like he's bad then he won't warp and attack you didn't think it through by not going inside the tower don't turn on each other this is just what the chimera wants uh freddie what was, what was your initiative? 19. 19.

Oh, wow. Okay. I kind of don't want high initiative in this world. You don't, unfortunately, but you tied with Matt, so we'll say Matt goes first. Okay, so now we are in combat. Matt, it is your turn, and we're going to say that Grant basically is a bonus action. He's just hiding in the doorway or whatever. Yeah, he's holding the axe, and then the orb in the other hand is like...

Since we weren't in combat beforehand, when I was was telling that to grant i ripped the door off the hinges the hinges and i'm using the door as a weapon oh cool that's a barbarian i can use like really big things as weapons and i get bonuses for using improvised weapons that's dope as hell that's great i'm evoking rage which is as a bonus action so i'm gonna get a bunch of stats and whatnot and then while rage is evoked i can call my ancestral protectors so i shall call forth abraham lincoln george washington coach taylor from friday night lights and my own father frank the logistics of this are because coach taylor is not real and because george washington shut your mouth because george washington is actually a piece of shit i assume

they're the versions of what he imagines them to be. So it's like, you know, George Washington is who he is. All the complications, all the bad slavery stuff, but also the founding of our country and a lot of good stuff too. He's a complicated father figure.

Oh my gosh. Just embrace it. He's not some perfect father figure. Now Lincoln on the other hand, pretty damn awesome. Yeah, Lincoln was fine. I have no complaints about Lincoln.

Can we just say though that this canonically takes place in the same universe as Friday Night Lights? But that doesn't make sense because then how would Daryl – You've just heard of this small-time football coach? Daryl saw a 30 for 30 about Eric Taylor and the team from Friday Night Lights. Yes. I remember in my head I'd go, Coach Taylor, and then there is some Coach Taylor in Mississippi,

and he looks enough like him that I'm kind of like, it doesn't look quite like the guy on TV. He's like an ugly Kyle Chandler. Yeah, but it's just like a dude that's there okay then then yes they show up in spectral form and they look great and the Avengers music plays yeah they look exactly the way that you imagine that they should everything that's great about America and your dad and the TV show Friday Night Lights encapsulated in four human beings on the practical gameplay level what that does is um it gives disadvantage to Chimera if it ever attacks anything that's not me. Great. So if it tries to attack Grant, for example, or anybody else. Cool.

So I see them. I salute for some reason Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. And I give a... George Washington's like, I used to go into bars and get drunk on people and forcibly abduct them into my army. Then I give a... Yes! He doesn't really say that. He's like, America is good and I'm a hero. into bars and get drunk in people and forcibly abduct them into my army. Yes. He doesn't really say that. He's like,

America is good and I'm a hero. He wouldn't say that either. I put a thumbs up to Coach Taylor and I look at my dad and I go, hey, dad, I miss you. I know you can't talk to me yet because I need to be level nine for that. But once I get there, hopefully we can talk. I just want you to know that hopefully I talk to me yet because i need to be level nine for that um but once i get there hopefully we can talk i just want you to know that uh hopefully i don't see you anytime

soon and uh i just need your help buddy he just gives you a nice and restrained nod they're all stares at it for a second longer very sad that he can't talk to his dad and then he goes charging out the chimer with a door i think i'm gonna go for the lion's head. I know, big surprise, but actually I'm less scared of lions than I am of goats or rams. So I'm going to take the door and I run at the chimera and I swing the door at the lion's head. I have to roll dice to see if this shit happens

because it's Dungeons and Dragons. 18. It hits. Go ahead and roll damage. Boom! Tough actin' to nacktin'. Holy shit! No! The fucking B-sides of culture. It hits. Go ahead and roll damage. Boom. Tough acting to Nacton. Holy shit. No. The fucking B-sides of culture.

Oh my God. It's the Mission Impossible 2 of John Madden quotes. I feel like Greg Proops would be really jealous if he saw this kind of mirror right now. So that's a five. That's like goals for Greg Proops. So five plus three. So that's eight. And then rage gives me plus two. So that's a five. That's like goals for great groups. So five plus three so that's eight and then rage gives me plus two so that's ten.

So you bring down this door and the doorknob just hits the lion head of the chimera directly in the fucking eye and when you pull back the doors have to hit again

the eye comes with it. Does it look bloodied? Not even close. Oh this has a lot of HP. This is yes it has tons and tons of HP. A little remotely bit close and you can also see the Githzerai in the tower

is just sort of has his chin on his palm and he's just like watching this going like, oh, this is neat. Did that guy not do any damage? Oh, yeah. Come on. Oh, you're right. He should be wounded.

I will say that. Good job, Freddy. That's good. That's good. That's good. See, for my comfortable perch here, dad, I can actually do this better. I can roll attacks from the Githzerite because I've got his

thing right here. This is like Deadliest Warrior where they simulate the battles before we get Max Geiger on the horn. Good save, Freddy. Small funny story, by the way, folks listening. Max Geiger from Deadliest Warrior, the guy who was like the computer tech, we all know him.

He was my roommate for years. It was always hilarious because people would give him shit because like he was the computer guy and they would be like simulating these things and they would cut to like a spreadsheet and they'd be like, what? They're just using Excel to simulate this. And Max would always be like, what do you think video games are? It's just math and numbers, you idiots. I was like, good point, Max.

It turns out I'm a genius because the arbitrary amount of damage I decided to take away from him was mathematically identical to what would happen if he'd hit him twice and done two attacks of normal average damage. So my dick's pretty hard right now. Wow, okay. Hey, guys, I'd just like to say that's a lot of ding-dong talk,

so let's cool it, all right? Like, this is a podcast for grown-ups. Okay, so he's still not quite bloody, but I will just tell you it's close. Glenn, it's your turn. Give me a death saving throw. Eight. That's a failure on the first one.

Okay, so that's one out of three failures. All right, so it's Chimera's turn now. He doesn't have to attack me, just if he doesn't. He doesn't know this. If he doesn't, he gets disadvantage on somebody. Right, but you definitely tried to just grapple him, so he's going to attack you.

All right, so he's going to make his three attacks. Every single time he tries to bite, it does work he hits you with the horns i assume is 18 gonna hit your ac yeah absolutely okay so he does nine damage and then he crit fails with attempt to hit you with the claws so he just fucking whiffs so friggin badly that he uh hits glenn ah fuck so yeah you only only did the nine damage to you in that turn and that's his whole turn i got five left so now it is uh ron's turn okay guys here's my idea we still have those orb things right yes we do okay so glenn was trying to distract the camera with music but what if we what if we put one of the orbs on the ground like a tasty snack? And then when the camera eats it, we're holding an axe with the other orb.

And we just transport right into his fracking head. So we throw Grant into the stomach. I mean mean sometimes that's how the legends are born telefrag that's fucking a really good idea okay um who has the orb grant inside the tower is holding an orb at the doorway and then matt who is almost knocked the fuck out is holding the other orb put the boots on grant's feet because there's like water right like it's wet oh inside there the boots can't touch it it'll just explode like it's gonna be oh my god explosively yeah the boots will have to move wherever they have to move to not be touching water a thousand kicks from inside you know well and he's holding the axe around, so he'll just start

cutting them off from the inside. Basically, this is like when people are like, Ant-Man should go up Thanos' head. He'll just spin at an incredible RPM and just shred the chimera to bits. That's great. Yeah, we just gotta get it in his mouth. The trauma of

the following. If you're shouting this to each other, Grant hears all this. He's like, okay, I guess. All right. Just to clarify, he has an axe and an orb, right? Yes. And then you have the other orb. I have the other orb.

Okay. Ron, it's your turn. What would you like to do? I would like to take the boots off of Glenn and then maybe give him a little pat on the head like, hey, buddy, I believe in you. I'm going to give these back. Maybe you won't want them

back and then i'm gonna go over to grant what did you tell cern before you did this cern hold tight i gotta get the boots as you as you like leave the tower he's like i have a health potion okay now to be clear he's not so much running as taking two large steps on stilts. That's true. You, like, lifted your leg out of the entire top of the tower and then just, like, boom. Actually, okay, I'm going to role play that Ron gives his stilts to Cern. He's like, you're going to want a good view for this buddy.

It's going to be hardcore. And then I run over and I take the boots off of Glenn. And then I give them to Grant. Okay. And then Grant run over and I take the boots off of Glenn. And then I give them to Grant. Okay. And then Grant puts the money. He's like, these things are hydrophobic because there's a very good chance I'm going to pee myself. So I'd be interested to see what that does. And he puts them on and he's wearing the boots now.

Now it is Henry's turn. CERN just said he has a potion, right? Because I'm in the tower too. Yeah. Okay. I'm like, CERN, chuck me that potion. All right. Are you going to yeet this potion bigly?

Here's what I want to do. The sword is propped up against the side, right? Correct. Of the thing. Yeet! What's up, man? I toss yeet the potion. He catches it without even looking at it.

I need you to fucking grind like you've never ground before, my dude. I need you to ride that sword and slam this potion into that almost dead guy's mouth. Before you can get the ein and ein grind out, he's already fucking due. Like, somehow you threw it to him, and he was at the bottom of the tower, and then I need you to grunt. He was just at the top of the tower, and he's grinding down. He's like, drop it in. All right, I'm going to roll for his grind.

Baby, baby, baby. That's a 19. He fucking darkslides. The card he needs is the Ace of Spades. He does a fucking 5-0. He does other grinds that I don't remember the names of. Forward slide. Forward slide.

He's going to jump off the grind, and he's going to start manualing on the grass. Keep the combo rolling. All right, he gets an 11. That's better than 10. So he fucking manuals. He jumps into the air. Does a fucking natural 20. He Christ airs

over Freddy and uncorks the health potion and he yells and he fucking throws it in it perfectly right onto your fucking mouth and he gives you 5 HP back and you are stabilized. So you're back Freddy pops back up, takes it out of his mouth and goes, that's brisk, baby.

Oh, that's fucking good. He probably did the whole thing is like the Capri Sun amorphous blob thing that only shows up once they're skateboarding. The fucking like Donnie Darko thing. Oh, that's really good. All right. So you are now stabilized. So I'm at five health. Yeah, you're at five health,

which means you're conscious, which means you can take action and shit like that. Yay. Told you you'd want a good view, Cern. Cern was like, holy shit, you weren't kidding. That was a bonus action basically telling you to do that,

so you still have your action. All right, I cast Cure Wounds. Oh shit, no, Cure Wounds is touch. Shit. I cast Healing Word. What's today's Healing Word? Are you not close enough to touch me? I'm in the tower. Oh, okay. I'm close enough to is touch. Shit. I cast healing word. What's today's healing word? Are you not close enough to touch me? I'm in the tower.

Oh, okay. I'm close enough to emotionally touch. Okay. Yeah. Well, that's always the case. The word of the day is believe. Always. That's 2d4 plus three.

Seven health. All right. It is now your turn again, Daryl. I'm just going to let him eat my hand. If I need to. I need to get this in here. Your hand ites huh i said your hand itches what does that mean you can roll perception oh uh 17. as your hand is itching you look down at it and for a second you swear there is an eyeball in the center of your hand that was looking at you that immediately

closes and then your hand is normal again well Oh, weird, weird. It's a fucking library, dude. It's the hand that you had reattached by the library. This is called Cthulhu. Should I roll for Sandy? Daryl just There's a lot going on. It doesn't actually faze him that much. He's like, yeah, that makes sense. He actually double

checks that the wedding ring is still his wedding ring. Yeah, it's still your wedding ring. Okay. The library is married. So I pull out the teleportation orb. What does it look like? It is a beautifully, gorgeously, perfectly spherical purple orb with some swirling mists inside of it and shit. And it's got a glassy sheen on it.

It'd be great for a fucking gravity juggling or whatever the hell. The contact juggling fushigi so just like one of daryl's all-time fucking favorite movies the rock he takes the inspiration from nicholas cage and holds the orb and tries to shove it into the mouth of the chimera and says eat this motherfucker great all right give me a strength check dwayne johnson but I still call it The Rock. That's a good... Somebody should Photoshop The Rock poster, but it just says Dwayne Johnson. That's good.

In that fire font. What am I rolling for? Because I got a 16, but I want to see what I add to it. You roll your strength modifier. Oh, which I get plus on my rage. So that is going to be plus three. I got 21.

So that definitely beats his 16. Describe what happens as you jam this fucking thing down it's gullet so i put it in his mouth and then kind of like a pinball machine where you pull back like my other fist is a plunger and i just punched the shit out of the orb so it goes like giving a cat a pill but that's violent? Now I'm understanding why Plato's so mean to everybody. When you give a cat a pill because they are horrible and they try to bite you,

you got to like hold their neck and like lift them and they go, and then you take a pill and you literally just like chuck it into the back of their neck so that they just got to swallow it. It sounds like you would go

for the lion's head because you know the way they like do it for a cat. Yeah, maybe I know how to put it. Yeah, Daryl feeds the pills to the cat at home. Yeah, definitely. That's why his arms

are scratched up like mine. That's great. Yeah, it's like grab the his arms are scratched up like mine. That's great. Yes, I grab the lion by the mane. He goes, ah. And I take the pill, and I chuck it down his throat. Okay. And then I turn, and I look at Grant. I go, it's your turn, kiddo.

He looks at the orb in his hand, and he looks at the lion that's now just going, and you see this big bulge in his neck that sort of moves down his esophagus through peristalsis until it's in his fucking stomach. You hear a cartoon splash as it lands in his stomach. And maybe the sign of the cross is happening. Grant looks at you and he goes, I guess I love you, Dad. Here we go. And then he disappears.

And you see very suddenly a Grant shaped like silhouette in this thing's stomach, and he's like, Oh, it's not so bad in here. And he loses his balance, and his body begins to fall, and you can see his feet begin to... Just hold onto the axe side, kid! Just hold onto the axe! His feet begin to poke out of the sides of him, and then they start moving again, and they start moving really, really fast,

and then he begins to, just like you predicted, he starts to spin and spin as his feet try to find any purchase that doesn't have moisture on them, but he can't. So it's like he's a ragdoll that's glitching out. It's just like you predicted. He starts to spin and spin as his feet try to find any purchase that doesn't have moisture on them, but he can't. So it's like he's a ragdoll that's like glitching out. It's just like, like every direction is going. And this chimera is just looking at you

with the most confusion from three separate heads that shouldn't have the muscles on their face to even convey confusion, but it absolutely is. And you hear sinew getting torn apart within as the axe is just just cutting and you hear liquid internal bleeding of every

shape and sort after what seems to be a perilously long fucking time the creature bisects in the middle like explodes outward is she a trisect? yeah that's exactly what happens it splits into three equal sized chunks it like splits at the seams of where the heads meet the necks. So it's like three separate slices of chimera vertically just explode outward in jibs. You see an awestruck goofo McBoofo say,

monster kill. Oh, shit. So you see your son Grant in the middle of a pool of viscera, of guts and blood and vomit that is almost certainly partially his, if not primarily his. And he wrenches the shoes off of his feet and stands up, his feet getting sticky in the blood that he has left on this ground.

And he turns and sees that one of the heads of the chimera, the lion with its one eye, is still alive. It's choking and it's coughing and it's hacking up blood. And he just stands over it and he stares into its one remaining eye as it coughs as it hacks and as that one remaining eye eventually closes and it dies and he just continues to stare at it without moving without saying anything i walk up to grant and uh i i look at the chimera and i see that as it's just died and i put my hand on his shoulder and uh i ask uh hey grant

you okay buddy as he continues to look down at the corpse of the chimera he repeats back the words that you uh have said to him many times in this uh adventure and he says uh everything's fine i mean i pull out the paper it's not necessarily great the way grant's looking but i uh I pull out the blood pact. So yeah, you pull out the paper, the blood pact paper, which still has the Harry Potter-ish image of him constantly screaming as his flesh is being ripped off and stuff. But in your hands, it begins to incinerate. It begins to burn from the inside out, which might give you some degree of comfort. But as it burns away, you see behind it the real Grant with none of the fear, none of the anxiety, none of the worry that you saw in the childlike version that just burned up in your hands. There's somebody

different in front of you. You see a look on his face that you have never seen before. Who can say whether or not he's a man? Who can say whether or not he's an adult now? But you can tell with 100% certainty that something inside of him has changed, that a bell has rung that cannot be unrung. And the look on his face right now, hope to never see again and maybe if you're lucky you won't but uh maybe that's not what life has in store for young grant wilson i uh i uh look at the the other dads and i hold up the blood pact and i say uh yay uh no but i am very relieved um hands go up yay hey buddy i i know it's been tough um and you've been wanting to talk but you know now that this is all done maybe you know we can talk about stuff so grant for the first time looks up from the corpse of the

chimera into your eyes um although for the way that his expression doesn't change he might as well still be looking at the corpse of this beast. And he says, no, it's fine. And as he begins to say, no, it's fine, he freezes, his eyes roll back into his head. And as you've seen so many times before, when his eyes roll back, they are purple. A familiar voice goes, congratulations. Your son, since you met him, only wanted one thing,

and that was to talk, to open up, and to actually have a real conversation. And now you've ensured he'll never want to do that again oh you dumb dumb fuck dumb idiot bad dad so fucking tired of these assholes oh you're so bad at this you've accomplished more than we could have ever asked you've absolutely nailed it but thank you hey fuck you buddy i'm not even gonna listen to you grant grant find the other kids. Stick together. We're going to come get you.

Grant goes, oh, okay. I love you, buddy. And we're going to find you. Find the other kids. You're all going to be okay. All right. I love you, too. The other kids.

Oh, shit. And he begins to fade out. And the voice says, so I imagine you're probably feeling pretty sore, just like you have been every other time we saved one of each other. Hey, son of a bitch. My kid had to kill something! He has to survive! The important thing is you've now done your job.

You can now go home. But I'm sure you won't want to do that unless you can see your kids in person and know they're safe and da-da-da-da-da. So I am hereby offering a formal invitation for you to come to our castle at Ravenloft and we'll talk all this out and once we're done you will feel so good about

heading back to your world knowing that your kids are safe. Sound good? No. That doesn't sound good at all. Yeah, we're going to take our kids and we're going to kill you. Are you fucking serious? Alright, well, I mean, you can think about it. That's fine. I know we don't need to think about it, but we'll see you in Ravenloft. Ding dong. We're

coming. Henry, I thought you said no more ding dong talk that saved us again Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson Anthony Burch as our DM Will Campos as Henry Oak Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close Theme song and myself freddie wong as glenn close theme song and outro is called all right by maxton waller oh we made it didn't have to eat

grant's skin and it was all thanks to fine patreon supporters like rebecca mckay luke garu chad mason alex schulte and franz rodriguez you can join their ranks at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads for five bucks a month you get a whole extra bi-weekly podcast called talking dad which we record right after each episode is recorded and we talk about the happenings of the episode you get behind the scenes look at character choices meta thinking and also very embarrassing personal stories from all of us 10 bucks a month you get a new piece of content every month as we mentioned in this episode this last month it was a one shot called the witch is dead previous months have been bts videos and tv show commentaries and you get a pdf in character newsletter every two months i think we call daddy issues and you get merch discounts which i just posted a picture of our first enamel

pin proof from the manufacturer on our patreon page at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads merch coming soon we are at dungeons and dads on twitter bit.ly slash dungeon dads for that private facebook group r slash dungeons and daddies for that subreddit and bit.ly slash dad gut all caps for the group transcription project thanks so much for listening we're coming back at you in two weeks here on october 29th just before halloween so we'll see you then okay so you can go ahead and tell us that the haberdashery is going to fill with poison gas in 15 minutes. Okay, just give me a second to get back into happy character after. Let me get back into proofs mode after all this modeling cats in the cradle shit. Oh, I should have played cats in the cradle.

Oh, why did we think of cats? Oh, whatever. It's fine.