Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 20 - Silent, But Dadly

Episode Date: October 29, 2019

The dads have won the tournament, and reap their just rewards! Darryl is not okay, Glenn is persuasive, Ron meets a hug, and Henry exhibits a powerful skill...This episode contains profanity, references to self-harm/suicide, and body horror.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Ah, and so we three purple-robed figures meet again. We have all five children, and now we merely wait for the fathers to arrive. Although, that last one was kind of, it was a little touch-and-go there. I was worried they were going to have to eat his skin. Yes, but instead, they just gave him permanent trauma, which is a recurring thing for them seemingly. That's

unfortunate. It doesn't matter. I have tempted the Daryl with an offer he is unable to refuse. I know that at this very moment they must be hurtling as fast as they can toward this very castle. Yes, I'm sure they will be traveling here with much haste now that their children's lives are on the line. Ah, yes. A straight

line. A line straight from where they currently are to the end of the story as they see it. With no bullshit in the middle. None whatsoever. And when they get here, they'll have to contend with our greatest weapon. A dragon that we control with the orb of dragon... Where is the orb? Where's the orb? Has anybody seen the orb?

Eyes on the orb. Anybody? I have the orb, and it is mine forever! It is the first of seven Dragon Balls with which I will wish for anything that I want! It is not a Dragon Ball. That is not a thing. I disagree! Dragon!

Dragon! Dragon Ball! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta!

I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta!

I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta!

I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta!

I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! I am Vegeta! welcome to dungeons and daddies not a bdsm podcast actually it is occasionally a bdsm podcast and we also play some dnd this is a podcast about four dads from our world flung into the forgotten

realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons can i interject for a second yeah i just feel like you do every time but sure why not it's been a while since there was any bdsm we need some sexy in this podcast i do no i wasn't saying that necessarily but it does seem like false advertising to say it's like mostly a bdsm podcast it's not a bdsm podcast at this point it is going to be today but it will maybe just trust you never know baby's calling a shot you never know you never know my name is freddie wong i play glenn close the bard slash dad rock enthusiast and guitarist my dad fact this week for glenn is this we got halloween up. By the time this episode is out, we'll be a couple days out from the spookiest night of the year.

Thanksgiving. Glenn Close has a... Because of families, right? Glenn Close, because of his allegiance to Christmas music, canonically hates Halloween. He hates two things. The two things he hates. Halloween's the most rock and roll holiday there is. He disagrees, actually. Christmas Hanukkah is the most killer one-two combo.

Nothing rocks harder than Hanukkah. Yes. All of that classic Ozzy Osbourne music that gets played over Hanukkah and Christmas as opposed to Halloween. Well, Glenn has something to say about it. The other thing he hates more than Halloween, mall Santas. Hates mall Santas because they always harsh his vibe. How do they harsh his vibe? Because they're too cool. Because they're there. Yeah, Beth's right.

It's just too much alpha energy coming out of the mall Santas. Is that a reference to Huey Martinez's fan art? Yes. So Huey, who's been drawing up a storm on the Twitter, did a little non-canon comic that I really enjoyed, which is basically a mall Santa losing his mind and Glenn having to calm him down. But now it's canon. Now it's canon.

Yeah. That's right. It's canon, baby. My name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad. And my dad fact comes from my own brain and not one of our fans. Oh my God. He's a shed.

Matt, that was devastating. Savage. On a personal level for me to hear. Ready? Just rip up your character sheet. It's over. I'm just throwing my computer away. Sorry. Oh my god. I am so sad right now. He didn't get to eat

Grant's face so he's going to eat Freddie's. I had to do it. I'm sorry. Make a new character. I'm sorry, Freddie. I don't care about Freddie's feelings. I care about our fans. I guess I'll be a druid. No, we already have a druid. Okay, well I apologize. To continue, I guess, me be I guess I'll be a druid. No, we already have a druid. Okay.

Okay. Well, I apologize. And to continue, I guess me being an asshole is so my dad fact, Daryl Wilson. Well, this is actually really a grand fact about how he learned there's no Santa because Daryl Wilson was so excited to scare his son on Halloween that he got his Santa outfit and he made him all bloody. And then he woke up Grant when he was six years old being like it's Christmas

time and he ran out and there's a bloody Santa and I screamed and caught him and it went terribly wrong so I had to explain like it was your dad this is my Santa outfit there's no one there's no Santa and two I ruined your Halloween morning I'm sorry oh my anyways that's dark

maybe what happened last episode wasn't that much of a change for him. He's like, this is somehow familiar. He genuinely thought it would be funny because his dad scared him. He's like, I'm like, he really likes Halloween. He likes getting scared. He's like, oh, this is going to be really funny. It's going to be scary. But I do want to call out that Matt basically stole his dad back from a

Frasier episode where Frasier dresses up as a spooky clown to scare his dad. And he gives his dad a heart attack. Oh, my gosh. Yes. Oh, shit. Well, there's a little bit of heart attack. Oh my gosh, yes. Oh, shit. There's a little bit of Santa Claus in there, too. Yeah. Oh, shit. Okay, well, I steal from the best. What's up, everyone? Greetings.

Happy Halloween. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the spookiest dad of them all, who's a granola munchin', bone crunchin', grave diggin' nature druid dad. Birkin shocks on his feet. Very good.

Very good. Very good. Very good. My Halloween themed dad fact this week is that Henry goes all out on the haunted house with Mercedes O'Cursey every year. They have like cool. They have some like legit creepy stuff that they put up and like witches in the windows and like they really go all out on.

It's very crafty. It's very witchy and fun, but none of the kids come up to the house and he thinks it's because they did such a good job scaring. Oh, my God. But in reality, it's because they have the fucking wackest snacks. It's all like a healthy snacks. It's like cucumbers with little witch hats on them and like, you know, cauliflower ghosts. It's no good. It's like cucumbers with little witch hats on them and like, you know, cauliflower ghosts. It's no good. It's no good package. Like nobody would trust it. That's the name of my band. Can I throw another Halloween dad fact there? Because you actually reminded me of one that I thought of earlier this week and I forgot about until this very moment. It's about Halloween

candy. You know that a story about TH-laced Halloween candy showing up? Oh, no. Guess who might have been the source of that accidentally one year in San Dimas and why the local news always seems to cover that story? Because Glenn mixed up his chocolate with the band's chocolate, and it ended up being not a good thing. That's great. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, a spooky person.

Actually, the spookiest thing one can be in this world. A stepfather. Ron is objectively the spookiest dad. I definitely agree. And my dad fact this week is that although, as we've seen, Ron is actually not easily sort of rattled by like scary i mean there's been scary things in this podcast there have been things that i've been scared of in this podcast but as a committed role player i had to play as if ron was not scared um but in the context

of halloween ron is scared of everything so it's like if you say like boo and it's related to halloween ron is immediately like really scared or if it's like a scary movie if it's like if you say like boo and it's related to Halloween, Ron is immediately like really scared. Or if it's like a scary movie, if it's like in the context of anything fictional, he's like very, very frightened. But if something real and dangerous is happening right in front of him, he's like, that's fine. Wow. He's got very overactive imagination. I guess. Yeah. Our friend Chris was like that. He cannot watch any scary movies. I remember him telling me one time that he tried to watch the beginning of like Candyman 3. And he was like the scene at the beginning of this Candyman movie. It's like a professor like talking about the Candyman myth and what happened in the last two movies. And he just started describing in like a well-lit classroom how

scary Candyman was. And he was like, well, I had to turn the movie off and I couldn't sleep for two days. I'm kind of the same way but I love it. I am such a glutton for Halloween scary punishment. Nothing pleases me more than scary things. Boo! Don't be scared. It's me, your dad.

Please, please don't be scared. Please, please don't be scared. Hey, come back. Come back. I'm your daddy master, I'm Anthony Burch. The first thing that I ever went as for Halloween was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and I had a green... What? Which one?

Oh, Michelangelo, obviously. The pizza. The pizza chucks. The pizza boy. I made it after my own heart. And yeah, I had a lot of green face paint on myself, and I think if there are any pictures that remain, it probably looks very problematic

because of the way the lighting turns out, but like... It'd be pretty easy to Photoshop that. Anthony's getting out ahead of this one early. It was a ninja turtle. To a colorblind person, Anthony, you are super problematic.

I am colorblind, so when I look at that picture I go, that's just blackface. That's no good. That's no good. That's a good excuse for you. I thought it was green. I'm literally just colorblind. I'm sorry, everybody. That's the old. Oh, that's a good excuse for you. It's like, I thought it was green. I thought it was green. I'm literally just colorblind. I'm sorry, everybody. That's the old judo move.

Actually, you're the racist one. All of you are level six, by the way. Yay! Okay, so when we last left you, you had once again caused irreparable harm to the psyche of one of your children. Reparable. I mean, yeah, reparable.

We'll see. So basically, four nights, the tournament is now over. Is it a fanfare? So you're standing around and you see some fireworks go off. Congratulations, players. You've won four nights. It's a weird name for a't make any sense, but it became so popular that it just stuck. And, you know, now it just is the thing.

Has nothing to do with the actual gameplay, really. So the gas that you hear hissing around you begins to die down the sky around you begins to sort of dissolve and you can see that there is oh man this is a simulation i knew it yeah the dome sort of dissolves and you can see a bunch of goblins basically just hand cranking little weird generators around the circumference of the map i wave at one it's too busy cranking you can It has no time for you. I guess you guys can either just sort of sit there and wait for somebody to come to you with your prizes or you can leave. It's up to you. We sit here and we wait for

the... We're standing around. Fuck this. I got like so much hit point damage. I came up from being dead. I'm just hanging out. And I'm too cool and important to go find a prize. I know we've done this like four times, but like I'm fine. Just if any of you are wondering, I'm okay with, you know, I'm dealing

with it. Oh, right. We should check it out. It feels kind of weird to talk about because like you all went through it, but yeah, I'm okay. Daryl, I do want to check in. You're right. Just because we all went through it and you knew it was coming doesn't mean it's not hard to see your son disappear into a puff of purple smoke, especially when it seems like the kind of last interaction

you had with him was like him stifling his feelings it's kind of jacked up though we weren't able to get that right after like four i'm not okay that's a huge step yeah i'm just letting you guys know i thank you for sharing that it's okay that it's not okay all right could i have your prize uh yeah what prizes do we get i thought we get trophies or something and it might be like us like in little poses on the trophies doing cool things. Like me on my little stilts next to a big trophy that says, Ron Stampler, he won with other dads. So you want a trophy with me on it?

It's pretty cool. Oh, I was hoping maybe I could just get like two various poses of me, Ron Stampler on different trophies. So as you're talking about this, the biggest dog you've ever seen comes ambling up to you. Whatever your favorite kind of dog is, that's what you see in us. Like on the shirts I used to wear. Oh my God. Oh, I had big dog shirts as well.

If you can't run with the big dog, stay off the porch. Just to clarify, this dog looks different to all of us? Yes, whatever your favorite breed of dog is, that's what you see. dog looks different to all of us yes whatever your favorite breed of dog is that's what you see you see the largest version of my favorite dog is clearly a dog from a big dog shirt i think like the problem that i'm experiencing right now is that like ron would see the dog as a hug like you know a pug but beth is really into sort of like shepherdy mutt things, like sort of collie-ish adjacent.

The old role play, or is it your character, or is it you question? And there's a stark divide here in this particular example. You gotta try to stay true to the character, Beth. Okay. It's a hug. Okay. So it has around its neck a bunch of trophies and it comes to all of you and it

kneels over and only the first place trophy snaps from its neck and falls to the ground. I run and I hug it. Can I roll to pet the dog? Go ahead and roll. Roll to pet the dog. I'm going to call you Grant, and I hug him really tight.

Whoa. Roll a d20, Matt, to pet the dog. Did Daryl just say he's going to call this dog Grant? Uh-huh. Oh, Henry, I think he's kind of not as okay. I got a nine. You got a nine? What'd you get? I got a five. I'm sorry, dog. I wish I could have

pet you better. It immediately dodges out of the way like it's not its job to be loved. Its job is to deliver these trophies and you're going to distract him. Henry scoffs and goes, that's dogs for you. Daryl starts crying. Daryl's crying. Just start crying. Just holding this trophy. Hey, man.

I give Daryl a big hug. Hey, Daryl, what's going on Darryl, hey, hey, hey. Just holding this trophy. Hey, man. Hey, I give Darryl a big hug. Hey, Darryl, what's going on, man? Just talk to me, okay? I just shouldn't have really named that dog Grant before I knew whether or not he was going to let me hug him. That really... Oh, shit. That's very good.

Oh, no. Darryl, Darryl, you can call me Grant. That's going to be a little... I appreciate it. Sorry, I just had to get that out for a little bit. You can call me Grant, and I'll let you pat my head. It's okay, man. Let's all just, you know... I appreciate it. You can call me Grant and I'll let you pat my head. It's okay, man. I just want somebody to pat my head. How about just a big group hug?

Can we get a group hug over here? Someone pat Ron's head in the group hug. I'll pat Ron's head. Oh, thanks. Now it's not a dad huddle, it's a dad huggle. Oh. That's kind of nice. I just needed to let a little bit out thanks guys okay well next time if you want to let a little more out you just let us know and or just go

ahead and do it it's okay yeah that's good okay you sure yeah i'm good where are these trophies that's good i mean yeah what do these trophies look like so the trophy looks exactly like the 150 cc cup trophy from mario kart. I'm pulling up a reference image. And inside of it, you can see an amulet. And that is the first place prize. While you're maybe looking at that, the dog goes to CERN. It goes to the Giftserai that was laughing at you guys from this hour.

Zendaya. It goes to Zendaya. And it goes to the hotties. And it drops off the second, third, and fourth place prizes respectively. So you guys get an amulet. Cern seems to get a pretty large staff that's like ice on the bottom and fire on the top.

It's like a Q-tip that you used half of. Yikes. Zendaya gets a deck of cards, and the hotties get a pretty sizable bag of gold. Oh, hey, some gold for the hotties. Wait, third place got a deck of many things? Yeah. I guess we kind of overshot it. We would have had to, you know, probably try to do trades

or something. Let's do an investigation. What's the deal with this amulet? This amulet, yeah. Go ahead and roll investigation. I mean, you guys won't tell us what we got? 15. Yeah, don't they know? Hey, what did we win? Actually, yeah. Dog, hey, dog. Dog might as well explain it to you. Dog looks directly at you and goes,

that is the amulet of proof against detection and location. I couldn't hear you, dog, because Glenn was talking. What's your name, dog? The Bounty Hunter. You know what? Yeah.

Please. My name is the Bounty Hunter. Aw. Aw. This is an amulet of proof against detection and location. So while wearing this amulet, you're hidden from divination magic. You cannot be targeted by such magic or perceived through magical scrying sensors.

Cool. Like everybody or like just the person wearing it? Just the person or thing wearing it. There's four of us. Could we get like four of these? No, but you could like if you were like in a room or in a behemoth that you came in on, you could put that on that. And then what are these other gifts do?

What does it look like? Does it look like fuzzy dice? Is it a pine tree? Does it look like fuzzy dice or a little pine tree? It looks like a cool amulet with a closed eye hieroglyph on it. It's an actual D&D item.

I like that. Sorry, everybody. Boo! Boo! This podcast sucks! I would still hang it over the rear view. If we get a big rope

and tie it around all of us, will we all be stealthy? I don't know. Nobody's ever tried to do that. I bet you would probably try it and then you probably have to roll for it. You're very knowledgeable

for a dog. Can you roll for something? Can you roll over for something? Roll over. Roll persuasion. You walked into the wrong room, motherfucker. Because a level six Glenn Close

gets a plus nine on persuasion checks that's 12 plus nine bitch so you did a 21 21 so he immediately goes and rolls over like almost against his will and he stands but immediately looks up embarrassed about himself he's like that's humiliating i don't think it's cool to treat the dog like that glenn i'd like to persuade Henry that it is Henry roll opposed you roll wisdom against his perception yeah yeah yeah

you got lucky because I got a 3 plus 9 12 so it's about quite a flip here I got a 15 fuck you nice I was almost convinced that it was cool no it's not cool it's a century. It's a sentient being, Glenn. Aw. Bad boy.

Aw. He goes, yeah. Sack of shit. You seem like a super smart, knowledgeable dog, Dog the Bounty Hunter. What's your deal? Where do you come from? I'm around here.

I used to help dig out the mines and stuff like that because I'm strong and I could carry people out and stuff, but now they kind of just have me give up the trophies, which is a lot safer. Honestly, it's done a lot for my quality of life. Oh, that's great. I'm way better off. I'm glad to hear that. Yeah, you want to come with us? Yeah. Do you want to go on a cool adventure?

We could use like a cool dog car ride. You want to go? I mean, roll persuasion dog. You can stick your head out the van. What are you doing giving us a dog to play with Um I'm an idiot apparently I got a 15

He's like no I got a pretty good gig here No okay I don't know if you wanted to like buy me I guess you could But I can't just We adopt don't shop Fuck we've tried to negotiate I guess but all right cern you got the thermostaff which was created by robert moore a listener of the podcast oh cool the thermostaff is a tall thermometer looking magic staff that controls the temperature in any area and it can only be

used by a dad oh my gosh now within reason you can't immediately make it like the surface of the sun but you can say hey that's a little insensitive dog i know that your thing is like telling it straight but it is a little insensitive this guy did lose his kids oh my bad my bad sounds like i don't fucking need this then clearly clearly i can't use this somebody wants trades me somebody want to go trades these all four dads nod slowly a dog a bounty hunter turns to the Githzerize and Dia and says, you got a deck of many things, obviously. And Githzerize is like, yes, this is exactly what I wanted.

I'd always planned to be at exactly third place. And then the hotties are like, you just get a bunch of money. And they're like, yeah, that's also what we wanted. Hooray! And the yeet does a kickflip. Who's the Z person again? The Githzerize. His name is Zendaya. Zendaya.

And is he evil? Hey, they're not going to just tell you if he's evil. Hey, Matt, when you walk down the street and you get coffee, do you look at the bracelet? Is this person evil? I'm going to perceive whether or not he's evil. Why don't you roll investigation? Hey, buddy. Daryl Wilson here here nice to meet you

i put on my hand through the handshake you're like bruce willis and unbreakable yeah i put my hand great game great game buddy he looks you up and down and goes yes it was and shakes your hand yeah we got pretty cool amulet probably the best thing that deck sounds pretty cool i guess i got a 13 investigation yeah you can tell this guy is probably not great. This looks like a dude that has made a lot of his money by fighting people and killing people. You don't know if he's evil or not, but you know he's definitely a rowdy boy.

Crazy surviving this whole thing. What are you planning on doing after this? Like, especially that deck of many things that you got there. Oh, with this sweet baby, I'm going to arrange a large number of slaves that I will purchase. Each one of them will individually draw a card and I will be entitled to half of whatever they get

if it's something I like. That's really smart. Guys, that's really, just want to point out, that's really smart. Is that a phrase saying that or Glenn saying that? Both. That's really clever, man. That's a way to get, oh, what?

It's bad though. It's bad though. I'm just, it is. It's not that bad. One of the slaves is going to potentially get a lot of money. It's both bad and clever. What happened?

But there's one that's like a wish. So how do you do like half a wish? Oh, I'll just make sure to have some sort of, I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I won. I don't feel like I need to explain myself. I don't know. It's just super cool. We're just both competitors.

I just thought, you know, I just want to know what you're doing. I mean, technically we won. I won in the way that I won. And being number one, you know, we have a saying where I come from the forgotten realms. It was just that first is the worst, second is the best, and third is the nerd with the hairy chest. way that I wanted. Being number one, you know, we have a saying where I come from in the Forgotten Realms. First is the worst, second's the best, and third is the nerd with the hairy chest. And that's me. And he reveals a chest full of luscious hair. So much fucking hair.

So you hear footsteps approaching hurriedly, and you see Erin O'Neil running up to you. Her face is as white as a sheet. And she goes, I saw through the leaf. Erin! Hey, what's up? What's going on? You okay? I saw through the- Come to. Hey, what's up? What's going on? You okay? I saw through the- Congratulate us on our victory, huh?

Through the time of face spell, I saw what happened. I'd only heard it back in the Drakapurta, but here I fucking saw. You got to promise me whatever happens, you don't, whoever is taking your kids, you can't fight them. What do you mean?

But that's like what we're good at. That's what you're certainly very lucky at. I'd like to persuade Aaron that i'm actually good at fighting i roll a 22 god damn it 13 plus nine you are amazing at fight specifically glenn you are very good at fighting weirdly aaron we would burn this whole world down to find our kids i'm not saying don't find your kids i'm saying aaron aaron yeah take a breath it's okay we won it's good are you being chased is something gonna happen right now are we in to find our kids. I'm not saying don't find your kids. I'm saying, Aaron, Aaron, take a breath. It's okay. We won. Are you being chased?

Is something going to happen right now? Are we in trouble? I mean, well, also, yeah, the cops are coming. Remember I told you

that the cop, when you got in, the cops are coming. The slow, it follows cops. Can we do a dad hotel plus Aaron? Yeah,

sure. Yeah. Hey, Aaron, do you think you could steal the tech and many things from that guy? Because he seems like bad news. He sucks bad, bad. she looks over at the guy and the guy's just watching you and he like waves hey how's it going buddy uh she's like in front of ours i'm not really

stealthy i don't i don't know what i could we should sneak after this guy and steal that deck hey sir enter the thing yeah what's up hey man what is sir wearing Cern is wearing suspenders. This is actually great. Is he wearing anything else? It's a pair of suspenders. He's got a little hole in the pants so his tail comes out? So he can poot. Yeah, for his tail. Because he was planning on just wearing the armor the whole time.

So this is like you caught him with his undershirt on, basically. Hey, Cern, I've got this idea. So, okay, you've got that staff thing that changes the temperature. And I was wondering if I could put on your little suspenders, I'll give you a pair of pants in exchange, then I'll use the staff to appear cold-blooded, saddle up to Zendaya, and I'll steal the deck of many things.

Sorry, Ron, just what part of that requires you to be cold-blooded? What part of it requires you to wear his pants? Okay, well, the think I'm Cern. Of course, Zendaya thinks that we're going to want the deck of many things but Cern, he's not going to suspect. And if I'm cold,

then I'll be a reptilian like Lizard Boy scales his stuff. So your plan is to disguise yourself as me? Yeah. Why is that any better than you just being you? I don't know. I think I always admired your physique, the scales. You know, guys, I think I'm okay with,

I think Ron's maybe got a point here. Maybe we just see how it happens. And maybe we use this as a distraction. Actually, Ron is just going to walk away from the huddle and see if he can get the deck of many things. Wait, do you try to slip away without us noticing? Yeah, I'll be stealthy to you guys. Go ahead and roll stealth to see if they notice that you're still in the huddle or not.

While you're talking, so it's a disadvantage. I've got plus eight stealth and I got a 16, so that's wild. You got a 24 stealth? Yeah. Definitely roll again because of disadvantage. Damn it. I got a 13, so I still got like, yeah, 21. Yeah. Definitely roll again because of disadvantage. Damn it. I got a 13 so I still got like Yeah, 21.

So yeah, while you're talking about how good an idea this is, you slowly sort of disappear out of the conversation and I guess people pay so little attention to the shit that you say that nobody notices. Not even Cern. Zendaya.

What? Hi. Could I have that deck? Roll persuasion. Five. No. Do you want to see a magic trick? Are you trying to beat me up and steal my deck?

No, no, no. I want to show you a magic trick. But it's a card trick is the thing. Roll persuasion again, but with disadvantage. Well, I just quit failed, so yeah. No, I don't think I will be. In fact, I think I'm going to be on my way. You go ahead and tell your friends that it was a good game. Thanks

for killing off that chimera, and I will bid you adieu, and he starts to walk away. It's a shame that you're walking away because my card tricks are nothing compared to the other dad's. The other dad's. Run!

Guys, uh, show Zendaya your card tricks. You know, wink wink your card tricks. Uh, uh, oh. Why did you just say wink twice? Um. I do a bit called wink wink. Yes, yes, and it's before he does his incredible card trick. If somebody wants to try to roll persuasion

to make this guy give a fuck about card tricks, you feel free. I feel like Henry just tried to, but unfortunately Henry doesn't have a plus nine persuasion. So we'll see what happens. I got a 10. 10's not gonna do it. Hey Z-Man, we're not gonna let you walk away

with that deck of many things. We're not really cool on the whole, on you killing slaves sort of thing. Roll intimidate. With advantage because you guys were number one and you killed the most people. I got a 21. Whoa. I mean, you saw what we did to Chimera, and that wasn't that big of a deal.

In fact, I forgot that I could attack twice. I just learned that in level five. It was like with my left hand tied behind my back. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to cause you a problem. I'm just saying, like, you know, maybe we just cut a deal and just make this easy for everybody. saying i don't want to cause you a problem just saying like you know maybe we just cut a deal and just make this easy for everybody so he stops and he turns around pivoting on one foot and goes like that is a very fair point it's it's decidedly against the rules of four nights as i'm sure

dog the bounty hunter would be happy to tell you and uh dog turns to you and is like you don't like people to kill each other for the prizes after it's like it kind of defeats the purpose of the whole thing like you can't really make rules of what we do after the game what are you gonna do after the game it's a gentle suggestion not do? Tell me what you do after the game. It's a gentle suggestion not to do. It's going to be a no for me, dog. And you don't have a rule that you can't use the prizes

to kill slaves? No. Your rules are dumb. Yeah, I mean. Sorry, dog. Don't. I would like to persuade dog that he's a good boy.

I roll a 20. You're a good boy. No, that's good to know. Does his tail wag? His tail wags a little bit. It's slow, but it's a very big tail. So it's like people behind him, you can see their hair get blown back.

So Z-Man, what's up? I would happily trade your amulet for the deck. That feels fair. I think we can do that. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, the amulet doesn't seem that cool. I mean, there's a library looking for us magically. I do want to make it known to

the group that when druids turn level six they go through a very special change in their body and i have a spell called hearth of the moonlight and shadow which means that during a short or long rest i can touch a point in space and create an invisible 30 foot sphere that grants a plus five bonus to stealth and perception checks while within it and light from open flames from within it can't be seen. Wow. I get to make like a little bubble when we rest. That's cool.

So, you know, like if we need to hide the van for a while, like I can make a little bubble. Like you upgrade the camera. Yeah, that's cool. I mean, look, I don't want to make decisions for all the dads. Like if we really think we need an amulet more, but I'm really not cool with this guy taking this whole thing. So Aaron says like, well, just so you you know whatever magic it was that took the kid

that's really really powerful stuff like it's that's stuff that i could never do and that amulet would almost certainly protect you from those whatever forces that are that is seeing you wait i got an idea i walk up to zendaya i'm like zendaya you look like a musical fellow why don't you retire right now with this and i unsling the guitar uh that likes a patient that likes a patron i say here's the thing this is the most sonorous guitar in all the land you just got strumming hard baby and uh it'll uh you know it's worth a lot it was autographed by eric lot. It was autographed by Eric Clapton. It was autographed by High Imron. And behind my head, I'm like,

Ron, like Sharpie this. Don't you know High Imron, the legendary folk rock troubadour? Does anybody have a Sharpie? I have heard of High Imron. I never heard them live, but I've heard they're pretty cool. You autographed it in blood.

I'll just cut your finger. Okay, okay. Ow! Christopher walking back there. I signed. Okay, so roll persuasion. Oh, my God. As you try to shove this bloody.

Let me just do a quick. Oh, jeez. Sorry. 17 plus nine. How does that work? Oh, my God. You're so insufferable now. This is the worst.

He takes it from you, and he's going to roll an arcana check, and he goes like, oh, there's a demon in this. Yeah, but the demon like, no, no, no, no. That's what we call a plus. I'm very, very big on demon-possessed paraphernalia.

I'm concerned that we took a nuke away from a guy in a game of a machine gun. But it's a demon. It's definitely better than him doing what he was doing. Do you want to deal with a demon, Daryl? No. Do we want the deck or not man yeah i want the deck i just don't want him to do bad things with it look i'm taking this thing and i'm giving you the deck that's the way it is all right this does seem promise me you won't

do anything wrong with the demon like gentlemen's honor all right i promise i roll a perception yeah go ahead to see if he's lying go ahead ding dong crit fail on my perception like i think we can trust him guys crit fail what you have never been more never been more smart in your entire life that somebody's on the fucking level maybe i was wrong about maybe we should just let him have the deck of many things like this guy seems pretty by the pretty by the book to henry this is kind of like the iran nuclear deal where it's like you know it's not perfect but it's better than the alternative yeah no he's like that sounds great to me so he hands you the deck of many things and anthony by the way for folks listening has a deck oh but yeah so he walks away strumming his guitar little licks of flame coming out of the sides of it.

And he's just happy as a clam. Can I pitch something to the DM? Yeah. It feels like what with there being a demon in the guitar and then someone having written their name in blood on the guitar, that it seems like there should be some consequence for that if the demon gets out. I'll write that down. I don't know what that is. I don't mean to just be like the kid being like, can we have extra homework?

But I was like, that's interesting. This is a thing to plant. Yeah, that's a good thing that's really good like ron's name slowly but sinisterly gets absorbed by the guitar as it's yeah so it'd be like even like as it's going away you see like ron's signature glow a little bit like yeah like it like flames and like it outlines itself in flame and then bursts away to nothingness and it disappears from the guitar not a real signature too i'm sure it's just like his name. Like he doesn't like sign things. It just says Ron.

Daryl has the worst luck with blood. Aaron's like, so yeah, so congratulations on the deck and stuff like that. Thank you. Hey, Henry, why don't you no offense to Ron or Glenn here, and I got Butterfingers, so why don't you hold on to the deck? I'm just saying he seems like the most responsible.

Glenn, really? You want to hold this? Yes. Oh, my God. Anthony's giving me the deck. Oh, my gosh. So I can't look at any of these, right? I mean, they're just images.

Go ahead and draw one. Okay, all right. Wait. No, all right. Wait. No, not... It's me, Scam Lightning! Will Campos, out of character, is drawing one.

Okay, Will, not Henry, is drawing... I'm actually scared right now to be holding this deck. Okay, yeah, so I got, like, a picture of a jester. Oh, so it's like,

oh, you drew the jester. The jester means X, Y, and Z. And I have these three cards here that say the jester means X, Y, Z. So I guess it's because I've tried to explain to you guys what they are before, and you all have kind of been like, no, no, no, tell me. It's all about how you want to canonically establish it. Okay. It feels like it's

a mythical item that other characters have heard rumors about. Yes. It feels like in the game we wouldn't know what it is. Nobody's told us. No one's told us. Yeah, we would have to ask someone. Yeah, the daddies wouldn't know. So Aaron and Cern and everybody else who's in the Forgotten Realms knows about the deck of many things. They're an uncommon item, but they're fairly well known.

So I take the deck from Daryl and I kind of look at it. I'm like very nervous about this deck. So I'm going to go ahead. Henry pulls out. He had one spare condom. Oh my god. In his back pocket this whole time. Man, what a sacrifice. It's the wallet one.

It's the wallet condom. It's been in there since high school prom. It's only 99.9% effective, by the way, so be careful. You know why that is, right? It's human error. Yeah, it's because people are awful. People are dumbasses.

People are dumb. Henry can spray some spermicidal lubricant on this so that it's extra, not going to let the deck of many things get out. Just remember that when you do draw the cards out of there that they're all juicy

and it's gross. You should put lube on the inside and the outside. Okay, just to be clear, Henry's not lubing up the condom with the deck of many things in it. I got to lube up the deck

so I can draw better. If you just have the spermicidal lube, though, in the Forgotten Realms, I feel like that's a magical item. Hey, Henry, why are we hey henry why are we not selling this henry does all right i need to walk this back henry brought the condoms for

their water storage capabilities he did not bring sperma lube with actually i'm trying to say he wasn't coming with them so what would even i guess that's true yeah yeah no no no they don't yeah okay yeah fair enough call that it gets would get sexy. Where are we? Okay. So Aaron sees your trepidation as you drop them into the condom. She goes like, so generally what you need to know about the deck of many things. He didn't drop it into the condom. He stretched the condom.

In my mind, it was like he held the cards in his mouth and then like opened it up. And bloop, just dropped it right in. They're magnums. They're magnums. They're magnums. He held the cards firmly at the base and in a rolling action rolled the condom

He kept the air at the top so it didn't pop. He put the condom in his mouth. I can tie the deck of many things into a cherry stem in my mouth, you all see.

So Aaron goes, are you guys done? Just canonically, that's all you were saying. So Aaron says, it's slightly worse than half and half odds of drawing something from the deck. It'll either do something that's really insanely bad that'll change your life forever and ruin everything, or it'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams, or it'll make you really, really powerful,

or as you all know, and as I'm sure the reason everybody wants a deck of many things is there's a one in 20 something chance of getting a wish where you can undo some horrible thing that happened. Would you draw from the deck, Aaron? Absolutely not. No way. Whoa. Here's a question.

My life's fucking great. We had a bad experience with a pyramid and a bag of beans a while ago. So CERN starts crying. Oh shit. I'm sorry. I go and I put my put my arm around cern actually a lot of people had a bad experience with the pyramid and i mean henry keeps forgetting to about cern when he brings that maybe you've heard of this one there and it must have been okay big

news the point isn't the pyramid the the point is uh what would happen if we get like how does the drawing of it work can you only do it one at a time? If I flipped over all the cards and drew them all, like how does that work? I will read you exactly what it says on the instruction thing I have here. You must declare how many cards you intend to draw and then draw them randomly.

Any cards drawn in excess of this number have no effect. Otherwise, the second that you draw the card from the deck, it's magic takes effect. So you can't like draw five and go like cool i want to do the wish first and then like deal with the other one so it's as you draw them you must draw each card no more than one hour after the previous draw if you fail to draw the chosen number the remaining number of cards fly from the deck on their own and take effect all at once oh wait sorry what so if you say hey i'm going to draw five cards and you only draw three and you can't draw the remaining two

then the remaining two just come out of the deck and then happen on their own simultaneously okay once a card is drawn it fades from existence unless a card is the fool or the jester the card reappears in the deck making it possible to draw it twice whoa and all of the effects take place one by one exactly in whatever order they so are there more than one decks of many things? Yeah, they're rare, but they're not so rare that you couldn't conceivably make them in the third place prize in a death match.

Can you wish for more wishes? Sorry, it's not, it turns out I'm wrong. It wasn't wish. That's what I was thinking of. It's, it allows you to avoid or erase one event as if it never happened.

Oh God. Cause yeah, I was like, this is an incredibly powerful thing. Oh, I lied. I lied again. So there is the erasure thing and then there's also it's even stronger than i thought if you draw the moon card you gain the ability to cast the wish spell 1d3 times whoa and then you can wish for whatever you want so let me look up the wish i wish i wish the 1d3 was a so according to the dnd compendium wish is the mightiest was a 1d10,000. So according to the D&D compendium,

wish is the mightiest spell a mortal creature can cast. The basic use of this spell is to duplicate any spell of 8th level or lower. It says, like, ultimately, you can create a bunch of effects of your choice, and then it gives you a bunch of really boring shit. So we're just going to say, like, you can wish something. As long as I don't go fuck you, that'll ruin the podcast forever. It'll happen. All right.

As a writer's room, we will decide if the wish takes effect or not whoa anthony just gave us a loaded gun here i mean i feel like we shouldn't really use it right now dangerous hey uh and you got some bright eyes over there are you sure you can hold on to that deck without yeah yeah i i got it i got it keep it in the condom buddy i i don't hear its awesome power whispering to me silently in my ear so i pocket it and zip it up in my fanny pack. As you begin to pocket it, CERN reaches out for it and he goes like, could I? Could you what? Could I have it?

You want the deck, CERN? Uh-huh. What are you going to do with it? I mean, I can kind of figure what you're going to do with it. I don't have anything to lose, so I would just like draw all the cards. Well, here's the thing, though. Statistically, Aaron, is there a mathematician in this world? She goes, oh, yeah, let me go

find her. Oh, you're looking at her. And she points at herself with both thumbs. And she goes, garden magic and math magic are my two specialties. Sir, you want to draw all the cards? Wait, you didn't keep choosing to draw one, right? I think it's literally you only get to draw in your entire life once. You get one go at it. Oh, okay.

So the only way to guarantee that you get one go at it per person. Okay. So the only way to guarantee that you get the wishes is to say, I draw them. And that's not even a guarantee, and Aaron's saying, it's not even a guarantee because, again, they resolve one at a time.

So if something really bad shows up and your body is incapable of saying whatever the hell your wish is by the time that even pops up, then it just gets wasted, essentially. I have a thought for CERN. Okay, CERN. I'm scared of doing this, CERN,

because I do think you have a lot to live for, but I'm not in your shoes, and I don't want to see you throw your life away over something dangerous. But if you are going to do something dangerous, you need to get it right. So here's what I'm going to suggest. If you say you're going to draw all the cards,

and then you only draw one and refuse to draw any others the rest of the cards will all explode and activate simultaneously which means in theory you could use your wishes in the instant that everything happens to undo everything else and maybe get your kids probably to undo the fact that you uh drew that cards you cannot wish away the fact that you drew that many cards because the idea is that the deck is so powerful you can't use a wish that's that powerful to try to overwrite the power of the thing

that you're doing. I'll be honest, I don't, this is hard. We need like a character who's like a deck of many things lawyer by the way.

Like there's like an attorney who specifically like motorcycle accidents who only works with a deck of many things. There's a billboard that's like, got a deck of many things?

Were you screwed out of the number of draws that you were contractually obligated to? If he draws all the decks and then wishes that we never came to the Forgotten Realms,

like his kids would be alive. Yeah. That's true. But listen, Cern, the only thing worse than what you're going through right now would be for you

to be immobile, paralyzed, knowing that you would have drawn like Wish or something and you couldn't change it because you drew too many or whatever, man. Here's my thought. to be immobile, paralyzed, knowing that you would have drawn like wish or something and you couldn't change it because you drew too many or whatever, man. Here's my thought.

Don't do it right now. Let's get our bearings a little bit. Let's maybe talk to a deck of many things lawyer and go about this a smart way, man. As Daryl says, if you're going to do something, you got to do it right. Henry said that what Daryl was going to say is I just don't think we should do it i hate to be the wet blanket but what happened happened man there's no way to change it we don't know what happened because of that i mean maybe i'm being selfish but i feel like if we didn't do that pyramid we probably would have died and if we died then they would have called out they could have called the doodler and maybe the whole universe dies we don't know

what the hell is happening like i don't think i don't think it's healthy sir doesn't look at you but he tenses up a little bit he's like i appreciate what you're saying but don't fucking what happened happened to me man not about this i'm sorry man but i don't think we can get i think it's too dangerous i i think we gotta yeah sir do you know what borianis was up to right yeah and i believed in it because he wanted to make a better world but what if both ways it kills your kids i mean what if fucking horses had wing they do in this universe what if horses didn't have what if both ways it kills your kids i mean what if fucking horses had wing they do in this universe what if horses didn't have what if horses didn't have wings be a shitty world to live in and the horses would only have their erotic capabilities as something making them

worthwhile and they'd sell budweiser so what do you say you saying i can't you saying you won't give me the deck sir and i don't like being an asshole but i can't give you this deck dude it's your it's this is either the last conversation we're going to have, or you're going to hand me the deck. You're clearly not going to use it. You have stuff to lose. I don't. So you're just going to be walking around with this bomb in your pocket that anybody could take from you and use to do horrible things against you or whatever.

Or you can give it to me, and I can at least use it. And you can be assured that nobody's going to use those wishes to fuck you over or fuck your kids over, any of that stuff. I just want to use it for myself. Is the deck, like, can I destroy it? Typically, you can't destroy magic items like that without doing some, like, special go to Mountain Doom and drop the shit in the

shit kind of stuff. I don't have my cleaver anymore. You could have cut the cards. You could have cut the deck, get it? Yeah, but, sir, you're not in the goods. Sir, you're being an idiot. I want to hear one word, yes or no. Can I have the deck? Dad huddle Get it? Yeah, but, sir, you're not in the goods. Sir, you're being an idiot. I want to hear one word. Yes or no.

Can I have the deck? Dad huddle. Real quick. One second, sir. No, we can't. Okay. What do you mean? Why not yes?

Because fuck him. Frankly, no. I'm not. No. He doesn't get this. If he wants to do something this rash and stupid and self-destructive, he can do it on his own. He can find another deck.

He can find his own deck. I'm not going to be a part of it. Okay, but if there are a lot of other decks out there, then anybody could be doing this at any time, and we'd have no say over it. And, you know, not all of those things are bad. I'm not going to give... I can't stop him from killing himself.

I'm not going to give him the loaded gun. Absolutely. That's exactly where I land on this. Plus, like, mathematically, he's talking about a really dumb way of doing it. If you draw all at once... All right, Nate Silver, we fucking get it. I'll go...

What if we give him the deck, but say he can only pick one? I walk away from the huddle to go to Cern. Yeah. Okay. I'm still in the huddle. Me and Ron are still in the huddle. Cern, I'm sure this is going to be us parting our ways, buddy, but we're not going to give you the deck.

I can't give it to you. He just starts walking away you guys know that he's just going to probably compete in this game until he gets it I don't that's up to him man I can't be responsible for him like Daryl said I'm not going to give him a loaded gun and let him play Russian roulette with it guys I think it's just because Grant and the dog but I'm feeling the waterworks come again because as you start to cry again, you can see Cern for the second time in your life sort of walking into the distance. Around him, an indeterminate

number of dudes in blue uniforms stop and they start hassling him and then he just hooks a thumb back over his shoulder and they turn and they see you. Dang, Cern narked on us, guys. And they start fucking sprinting at you and you recognize these as the blue coats from Neverwinter, the police force of Neverwinter. The lizard is a rat. You remember as they're sprinting at you that you recognize these as the blue coats from neverwinter the police force of neverwinter the lizard is a rat you remember as they're sprinting at you that the last time you were

in neverwinter you killed a lot of people in public dropped a pyramid on their town and then very quickly drove away before dealing with the consequences of what you had done uh we run we run the other way i can't see because my eyes are watering my guys we gotta go cops cops we got cheese it guys it's the fuzz i see the fuzz cops are the same every world so how are you going to you're just gonna just try to run in the opposite direction yeah we're how far away are we from our van so you took the uh four nights chariot yeah essentially to get to where you were you'd have to like get back there somehow uh and that would probably be a bounty hunter do you got like a you just leave us here man like where's where's our way out of here there's the shuttle that

we are running towards that shuttle right now. Give me a dex roll, everybody. That is 16 plus 3, 19. Daryl gets a 15. I got a 15. I got a 19. Wow. Okay.

So there was a lot of attacks, but only two of you actually got hit. Ron, you're going to take seven damage. Yikes. And Daryl, you take seven damage. Crossbow bolts whistle through the air. I just barely managed to miss Henry and- I'm trying to catch them. Like, cool.

Like, Matrix style. Like, I'm trying to catch them in midair. Well, you already failed your dexterity throw. So you try to raise one to catch them, and the bolt just hits you in the hand. Just completely impales your fucking hand. Which hand? The eyeball hand?

That was your non-dominant hand, so no. It would probably puncture your good hand. Damn. Your other hand, the eyeball opens up for a second. It goes like, and it closes again. Did Daryl see that the eye open yeah guys there's an eyeball in my hand we'll talk about it on the chariot yeet kill them all you coming with let's go so yeet and kill them all were too busy looking at their gold and they look up and they see you guys getting chased by the cops they go oh that's fucked up and for a second yeet bigly sees aaron

o'neill and he goes no fucking no that's the one that killed my uncle fuck you and she turns back she goes fuck you your uncle sucks he goes fuck you and then she just like keeps running um wait what uh oh no they're just like saying fuck you fuck you fuck you back at each other as aaron runs there's some bad blood between those two huh back to the uh the birds start attacking yeet yeah actually yeah the birds are just fucking pecking at yeet and he's like fuck fuck all of you. Oh, fucking birds. I hate this bullshit.

He kickflips away. So you guys get into the... There goes one cool teen. So you guys jump into one of these shuttles with some of the winged horses attached to it. And the driver on the shuttle is like, so where are we headed? Where are we going?

It's right near Bullywogs. We got a... Yeah, an area right by Bullywogs. We'll point to it, right? We know where the trees are. So he's going to try to take off. Oh, man. They are going to shoot at him.

Friday, give him an assist by playing some getaway banjo music, like from Dukes of Hazzard. I pull out the guitar of Indeterminate Origin, and I play some Chase music, like a la Dukes of Hazzard, which is one of the uses of bardic inspiration. Perfect. Which gives him a D8 when he wants to. They continue to stand on the ground and shoot crossbow bolts at you,

and they just ping, ping, ping off of the side of the chariot, and one hits one of the Pegasi in the butt. It's fine. It doesn't matter. And right as the Pegasus kicks into the air, the whole thing freeze frames, and then you hear someone say, Them dad boys was in a heat trouble. Dad boys.

I like it. Okay, so with essentially no problems, the shuttle takes you back to the area. I have a question while we're flying. Yeah, what's up? Hey, Aaron, really quick. I did see an eyeball in my hand. What? Do you have an eyeball in your hand?

Yeah, I thought I saw it before, but I was just really emotional. Glenn checks his LSD stash. Still there. So I wasn't sure, but this second time I definitely saw it. In the hand that the library gave back to me, I saw an eyeball pop out. Did you ever see that weird? Daryl, let me see your hand. Okay.

All right, so I look at Daryl's hand. To do some palm reading, which I learned from Mercedes O. Garcia's grandmother, Pilar, which is the name of my grandmother who could do palm reading. That's great. So why don't you roll Arcana, Henry? This should be a plus for that because of all your time communing with crystals, etc. I got a 13 we'll say that's enough for you to know that definitely like this is directly connected to the fact that the library did some shit to his hand this is the library's doing and

actually his lifelines are like fucking jacked up and crazy looking like he's got a spiral in the middle of his hand like where his palm lines are supposed to be go whoa dude was your hand always like this i don't know people always say i was your hand always like this i don't know people always say i know you like the back or i don't know my hand people know the back of their hands but not the front yeah it's a man you know i think this was the hand that you gave to the library right yeah eric can you look at it i put my hand out in front of her face so eric goes like yeah that's fucked up you're a witch there's an eyeball in my hand can you make the eyeball guarded and math witch if you had a shrub coming out of your palm, I could do... You're a math witch?

I talked about that about 20 minutes ago. Like literally like a witch? Yeah. Or like you're just like figuratively like you're a witch at math? I mean, a little column A, a little column B. Yeah, why can't I be both, man? A little of the X-axis, a little of the Y-axis. What's the square root of 3.5? 1.87082869.

Dummy. Whoa, Anthony definitely came up with that immediately and didn't have to look that69. Dummy. Whoa. Anthony definitely came up with that immediately. Immediately. I didn't have to look that up. Right off the dome. So Aaron says, I guess you did this while I was in the bathroom with the bully wugs where all the people that hang out with you go when you go to a bully wugs and they disappear for a while.

I did not do anything in the bathroom with bully wugs. No, no. I was in the bathroom. You saw the library. Oh, Daryl thinks that this is the punishment for jerking it. The nuns did say that you jerked it too much. wait daryl what did you do in the bathroom at the bathroom but i wrote sense motive on yeah go ahead go and roll inside to see if he really did gross and gross what's he rolling is he rolling to decide he's rolling he's rolling to see if

you were telling the truth about not jerking off in the blue box. I rolled a 22. Okay, so you know for certain I did not jerk off in the blue box. Daryl did not self-pleasure in the blue box. But he didn't wash his hands. Yeah, you'll find out I didn't wash my hands. Men don't wash their hands. I read about that.

That's insane. That's crazy. You guys are all awful. You wash your hands, probably. I don't care if you wash your hands. Men are awful. You wash your hands, probably. I don't care if you wash your hands. Men are awful. Okay, well, again, to be fair, they said blindness.

I'm just saying, if I didn't touch anything in there, then I don't feel like I need to wash my hands. If I go hands-free... What's going on with you two? You wash your hands! No, we wash our hands. Your underwear, it takes butt stuff from your butt, and it migrates towards your crotch. That's not how underwear works.

That's absolutely why you have to wash. I do not have a penis. Is it possible to go hands-free? With a bit of tool assist, yeah. But you still have to hit the flusher and you have to touch all this gross stuff. No, not if you don't flush. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, like, listen.

Not if you don't flush. Not if you don't flush. Okay, so yeah, if you're a fucking monster human being and the reason that society will never actually get us to space, then yeah yeah i guess you could not wash your hands for clarity i go hands-free you know like i don't yeah and i still wash my freaking hands okay where the fuck were we i don't know daryl was wondering if his masturbation over the past 40 years has caused a eyeball to grow in his hand she goes no no so you you got this from i'm saying i hear dad fact,

Henry doesn't wash his hands. Oh, yeah. I'm not saying what Will does or doesn't do in the bathroom. Henry for sure has never washed. Because soaps are bullshit. Because soaps have chemicals. Because soaps have chemicals and he heard that having

a little bacteria could help get a little help with the gut biome. Henry's like, hey, if I was going from the bathroom to do neurosurgery, I'd wash my hands. All enemy attacks

are going to target henry oak for the next two sessions fun fact two weeks from now is that henry has the flu and he's got a strong immune system so aaron says wash his hands so you saw the library and this happened does the library like know about the no what the library doesn't know we haven't talked i haven't said hey library i have an eyeball in my hand now so no he doesn't know about the books oh why would you say that so the eye on your hand opens blinks blinks blinks blinks and then disappears i go no of course the library doesn't know that we still have all the books like just fine why would we constantly update the library letting them know that we have all our books she goes okay well i, well, I think I figured out what it was now because it's gone. But I think that was his way of spying on you.

It's gone. But all Glenn said was about the books. He didn't say what happened. Because nothing happened. Yeah, nothing happened. Because we still have the books. Glenn's very proud. Hey, Daryl, I think I fixed your hand.

High five. I go for a high five. No. Don't leave me hanging, bro. No, you, you, no. Okay. Up top. No, we're going to we're gonna die put her there

we're not gonna die because we're we're gonna figure out a way to not return the books the eye opens back up on his hand it never let it just it disappeared in the moment that it opens up i go for a high five don't give you the high five high fives can be both given and taken. I dexterity move my hand away. Roll dexterity. Roll post dexterity to see if you get a high five.

This is more dice we've rolled against each other than in any other episode. 18, Matt. 15 plus three. Ooh. So he managed to successfully high five your eyeball

in your hand. The way the high five works is the difference between the two, so that's a three. It's a three quality high five. Yes, that's true. If you're rolling together, then you add it together. You hypothetically get a 40 high five.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But instead you got a three. But the predator high five is a 40. That's a double natural 20. When you're rolling opposed high fives, then you subtract them so that if you do beat them, you still can get like an 18 minus four. You still get a good 14 high five.

But if it's close like this, this is a three high five. This is easily a three high five. So there's no like goose high five. No, no, no, no. Not even close. And Glenn did not wash his hands before this high five.

See, now I know Beth is my people because definitely the Top Gun high five is cooler than the Predator high five. I fucking said it. What? The Predator high five is just, oh, I'm buff. The fucking Top Gun high five is skilled.

Yeah, and there's like friendship and love and context in that high five yeah the predator high five is like everything about toxic masculinity in one single gesture that's why it's better because toxic masculinity is fucking awesome cinema doesn't work without toxic masculinity sorry everybody every good movie you like is about men being horrible also i hate to break it to you toxic masculinity cool band name and a cool call sign for a fighter pilot hey goose it's me your boy toxic masculinity coming in hot coming in 12 o'clock high i'm like damn top gun is awesome okay you high-five the fucking open eye and you get some of its eye goop on you and then closes and you get some of my penis goop in it so he gets conjunctivitis. He gets pink eye. All right.

So the fucking shuttle lands right outside your van. Okay. Can we please, though, say that... Because Glenn was rolling around in shit before this. That's true. So the eye is now pink. Yes. The library definitely has pink eye the next time we see him.

Yes, for sure. Nice. So is the library in here? In your hand? No, the library can be in there. You saw the library. Fuck you, library. I put my hand in my pants.

You put your shit-stained hand down your pants? I put my hand where my butt is. I go kiss my butt, asshole. We're coming for you. Okay, so you feel the eye opening and closing against your butt. It gives you little butterfly kisses on your sacrum.

This is too much. This is a line that cannot be uncrossed. This is a Rubicon that cannot be long back. You motherfuckers asked for BDSM, and we got you some fucking... We're called Free Library. I think we just invented a new thing. Butterfly kisses on the tank. I didn't put it there.

I mean, you know, it was a start. I don't know where my hand kept going all right well what do you want to do you're by your van uh you can see the like horses of the cops that went to come get you and they took a shovel to you as well i go i go run over to the horse i go yeah yeah yeah yeah i scare the horses away they're gone like in the western that's great and then i want to get in the van again we gotta go guys all right all right everyone just everyone just just stop henry's having a henry tantrum right now everyone just cool down glenn checks his watch everybody calm down as

henry tantrum this has all been we've all been crazy and talking about goofy nonsense for what feels like a really long time and i just want to press pause for one ding dang second and just talk to aaron o'neill for a second so we can just figure out what the H we're going to do next. Okay. While he's talking, I've slowly stepped back and I opened the van doors and I'm like telling everybody to get in the van so we can talk while we're in the van. Okay. All right. We're going to talk while we're in the van. Okay. Okay. All right. Aaron. Yeah. So our kids are in this place called Ravenloft. Yeah. Ravenloft's a castle in Barovia. Okay.

I would come with you and help because that guy sounds horrible, but that place is really bad for fucking trees. Like all the mist and shit you saw in Rockport, imagine that times like 10. Okay, so it's a really bad place where this guy is, right? Or the people, whoever's taking it. And you're saying we should talk to them to get our kids back.

I'm not saying what you should do. I'm just saying I've never seen magic like the kind of magic they use to take that kid. It's magic that I can't do. It's magic that I don't even want to say, but it's pretty, it's pretty fucking route. What do you mean? You don't want to say it. If I'm wrong about what it is, it doesn't matter. Look, just you guys often punch above your weight class. And I just want to make sure that, you know, it could get real bad. So just get your kids and bounce. Can everybody roll Perception with Disadvantage for me? 16 with Disadvantage.

With Disadvantage? 14 to 9, baby. I'm rolling fucking hot dice tonight. 13. It's not my fault that these rocks are fucking magma, baby. Okay, so the van feels a little bit heavier. So it's a little bit lower to the ground when you step in. Like you can feel it like it's almost touching the ground. Ace, is something wrong with your van, Daryl? It seems

like it's riding a little low. Feels perfect to me. I mean, I point to Daryl that it's lower to the ground than it used to be. It is lower. I had a lot of chicken wings at the Bully Walks when we were playing trivia. Is anybody in here? Yeah, I'm here.

Is anybody else in here? I'm going to make a search check. So it'd be investigate. I got an eight. You open the trunk. You're looking at all the seats and stuff like that. And it doesn't seem like there's anything inside the car. Oh, there's no kids in here.

I guess nobody will care if I let one rip then. Yes, do it. Smoke him out. I said that really loud. Do you know what he responds? Nothing happens. Guys, I didn't have anything in me. I just, you know, usually Grant screams if he's like hiding or something. Do you have a toot ready to go i'm a toot but the threat is usually enough okay henry calls on the powers of the dad force and rips the

stinkiest toot he can to try to get to smoke out whoever's in this car okay go ahead and roll for a toot give me a little toot roll he's got that all plant-based toot going. Yeah, it's true. So it's constant. I'm never the one who gets the clutch natural 20, but I got a natural 20. No. No. This fucking shit. So why don't you go ahead and describe what a natural 20 toot is like.

All right. Okay. Are we in the car? I feel like I'm not in the car. Can you give me underneath, Freddie, you know that Mozart song? Like that... Like from George and the Sushi.

Yes, yes, yes. So when Henry does a mega fart, it's a symphony. It has movements. First, a movement of silence, right? And then you just sense that something in the air around you has changed. A disturbance in the force. Here's what's incredible about a beefy Henry all-vegetable, all-bean diet fart. Is then you hear something.

And it sounds like a whisper of wind. That's the second movement. Oh, man. In the third movement, we really begin. We add fire to it. And you feel it first in your body, on your skin before it comes to your nose.

And it's just a pungent earthy scent that goes through your nostril into your brain itself. You think of every truck stop bathroom you've ever been into. It's like 20 Ratatouille moments all colliding into your head at the same time. Why? How dare you invoke that word?

And then we reach the real fire, the crescendo, as a second layer of smell. It's like a sulfur fart followed by like kind of a poop fart. You're like did he shit himself? It doesn't make sense that it smells so much like poop. He's not looking like he pooped.

And then... Is it like that taste that lands on your tongue? That brings us to Act 5. Fuck off. The taste. Fuck off. The prestige. The prestige. Now every fart has three parts.

They show you a normal fart, but it isn't really normal. Remember when Will wanted us to not talk about dicks so much? Because he wanted to keep this podcast classy? Okay, so as that fart happens, you see the van begin to rise up from out of the muck a little bit. What the fuck? You see an arm crawl out from under the undercarriage of the van

and another arm. You see the arms dig themselves in the mud and start pushing up. And you see the smiling large nostril face of the library and he goes delectable and he's wearing the van

like a fucking hermit crab. What? Oh my god. It was him. He farted. Oh no. Yes, could it be alright? It'll be alright cause that's just life. And if you die Oh, no. Dungeons and Daddies is

Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself, Fritty Wong as Glenn Close Theme song and outro is a song called Alright by Maxton Waller This week, thank you to Robert Moore for submitting a cool item we used in the campaign

One of the many perks of being a Patreon supporter. Another is that you get a shout out from your boy. So shout out to James Eisengruber, Victor Tabling, Andrew J., Mike Uhl, and Chrysalis for supporting us on Patreon. And that Patreon is patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. And this week, we got something special. This Halloween, October 31st, we're releasing part one of At the Mountains of Dadness, a three-part spooky prequel miniseries that we're releasing biweekly, starring the grandfathers of the four dads.

This was the stretch goal that we hit, so thank you everyone for supporting us and helping us hit it. Matt plays Robert Wilson, a bookish line producer who dreams of becoming a stuntman. Will is Hilde Russet, the plucky undercover reporter dreaming about uncovering a big scoop. Beth plays Stud Stampler, a set construction worker who dreams of being on the silver screen. And I play a cocky, washed-up silent film star who dreams of his glory days by the name of Meryl Streep. This is free to all Patreon supporters at every level. So head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads if you want to hear this when it comes out. And when you're over there, maybe you'll see something in one of those tiers that tickles your fancy. Patreon supporters at every level. So head on over to patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads if you want to hear this when it comes out.

And when you're over there, maybe you'll see something on one of those tiers that tickles your fancy. I don't know. Check it out. It's a cool website. Boy, we hyped up this episode on social. Well, I hyped up this episode on social media, didn't I? Well, this gets a little bit gross.

What can I say? Thank you to everyone listening. And oh, sorry, you didn't hear about the social media? Brouhaha? Well, you're missing out. Miss in at Dungeons and Dads on Twitter. Bit.ly slash dungeon dads for a private facebook group r slash dungeons and daddies for that subreddit and bit.ly slash

dadgut all caps for the group transcription project next episode coming at you in another two weeks that's going to be november 12th and this week we're gonna do something a little different for the easter egg this time it's going to be max Waller's new theme song for At the Mountains of Dadness. Sit back. Enjoy. Happy Halloween, everybody. There was a time when you could read between the lines. You know they never brought you down.

Never brought you down There was a time when you could read between the lines You know they never brought you down. There wasn't a box and you weren't thinking anyway. So you never brought you down. And I know, I know, I know it's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright

It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright Tell them how it's gonna be

It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright Alright It's gonna be alright Alright It's gonna be alright Alright Alright