Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 23 - Scammer, No Scamming!

Episode Date: December 10, 2019

Hot on the tail of Scam Likely, the dads must find the strength within to confront deep, powerful truths, and will come out of the ordeal forever changed.This episode contains profanity and sexual content.Support the show on Patreon!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddadsJoin our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. a rank rube. You'll learn everything you need to know about shaking down sad sacks with my 10-week program. Just listen to some of my satisfied customers. My name is Ron F. Stampler. I'm a businessman with a huge business doing big numbers every quarter at

AOL keyword ron.business and scam likely impersonated my friend Glenn and and stole approximately three million dollars worth of jewelry from us we were going to use that money to hire an army of mercenaries to help us save our kids but now we can't because we don't have any of that money anymore specialize in all the following single level market multiple level marketing pyramid schemes ponzi schemes pincer maneuvers quick change scamsams, three card modding, the gold

standard, wire fraud, mail fraud, tax evasion, video game pre-orders, loot boxes, limited edition Funko Pops, identity theft, corporate malfeasance, police impersonation, market manipulation, money laundering, running fraudulent educational institutions, and more. Don't delay. Enroll in Scam Likely School for Scammers today. welcome to dungeons and daddies occasionally a bdsm podcast more often than not a dungeons and dragons podcast about four dads from our world earth earth one earth one who are flung into the forgotten realms of quest to rescue their lost sons my name is freddie wong i play glenn close the rock and roll bar dad of the group this week's glenn fact uh is this you know there's a lot of money in everyone's mind mind on our money money on our minds especially from the previous episode

i want to say that glenn is canonically the most wealthy dad out of all the dads but he doesn't know it because one time he and the glenn close trio did a uh silicon valley like tech startup christmas party and they pay them in bitcoin but this was when bitcoin was like 10 bucks a coin and he did not understand what that was and he was just like what it? It's a wallet? Whatever. He threw it away. So he threw away a lot of Bitcoin.

And went Bitcoin was really cheap. And just bounced it around in like a flash drive in his car or something. Yeah, exactly. He has no idea. He was blazed out of his mind. He doesn't even remember taking the payment. He figures that they got check. I am shocked that Glenn, with all of his conspiracy theories and his UFOs and his mind control, is not hip to the glory that is the blockchain.

It seems like a huge oversight. Once again, I want to point out that Glenn always thinks beyond, one layer deeper than the usual plebs thrown around conspiracy theories. Whereas a lot of people are saying, like, this is our way of getting around the government. He sees it and he's like like who's satoshi nakamoto that sounds like a cia plant that's been designed from the beginning to ferret out people who are a little bit more alternatively minded from the onset so he doesn't even trust an alternative um the wealthiest dad i think on this podcast is actually a friend of ours matt arnold and he is wealthy and family and friends love you Matt shout out

oh I'm ready for this episode that was very nice thank you Beth but Glenn has more money my name is Matt Arnold I swallowed on my own name and I play Daryl Wilson this is like talking 101 there's so many ways to phrase that sentence and you chose the worst one. I can't spell a thorough name. My name is Matt Arnold. You've got to spit those words.

They're deep in your throat. Oh, man. I feel so bad for my daughter. It's a joke about ejaculate. No, I'm sorry. I don't have a joke. Do you think your daughter will ever listen to this podcast? No joke. Do you think your daughter will ever listen to this podcast? Like, no joke. You know what I mean? Like, at some point, she's going to be like,

Daddy, tell us about this. As long as I'm alive, she'll listen to this podcast. When are you going to introduce her? In the scorch lands after the world has been fucking destroyed by climate change, Matt's daughter will go, Dad, what did you do in the days before? What did you do to try to stop this cataclysmic disaster? I've never felt very maternal,

but now I'm going to have a kid to force them to listen to this podcast. Tell me who your favorite is. If you don't say Ron, my God. Can you imagine if we're doing this podcast long enough that- We become the toxic parents. I was old enough to listen to it as it's still going on. If you let your daughter listen to this podcast. That is devastating.

She's like 18. What age would you let your daughter listen to this podcast, it's probably like 13, 14. It's explicit on iTunes. So yeah. So real quick, just again, it's explicit,

which means 18 plus. So anyone who's listening, that's under 18 legal. Do not tell the cops. It's illegal. Even a 13 year old could figure that out. There's a there, but it is kind of like there's a drop-off, right?

Because there's young enough that they understand enough, but they don't get the dirty stuff. Yes. And then it goes like it plummets down, and then it's like, okay, now you're ready. Yeah, it's kind of like cursing. Wait, so like, because like 20-year-olds don't understand? No, no, no. I'm saying that like if you're three and you're listening, you know what words are, but you don't know what are. You don't understand the flashlight.

Like when your baby's like four months old you're like fuck shit whatever and then they start like repeating words like well i guess we can't cuss anymore oh you know what we should do because i love when like this american life goes like this is an unbeat version of the episode if you would like to have uh this is if you'd like to listen to a beat version of the episode we have in our podcast this american life.org and you're. Oh, it's like for families listening with their kids. We should start it with this episode. Every episode, just this episode of Dungeons and Dragons is an unbeaten version. I feel like we could just steal

a bunch of those from like Jad Appelrod doing it at the beginning of Radiolab. There's some kind of hair you may want to skip this one if you've got the kids. We could just steal that. Every one. Every single goddamn one. That's a good gag. Every episode starts with a, ooh, you should skip this one if you have kids listening. Matt, I think you have a dad fact for us.

Okay. Yes. Hi. My name is Matt Arnold. Did it. And I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's now a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. Obviously, Daryl cooks the turkey on Thanksgiving, but he does this very annoying thing where

he names the turkey and then he keeps saying it's like helping him in the kitchen, and he just talks about the turkey all day, and then he always acts surprised when he never brings the turkey out. He makes Graham bring the turkey out, and then he goes, No! What have you done? And they go, Ha ha, very funny. He's like, What did you do to Bob? Who did this to

my friend Bob? And they never laugh. Anyways. Does he make that joke then where he's eating it, and he's like, Bob would have loved this. Yep, and he always that joke then where he's eating it and he's like Bob would have loved this. Yep. And he always makes peach cobbler, but he goes this was Bob's. He called it peach gobbler. Oh my God. And that's the end of the podcast.

Hey everyone, I'm Will Campos and I play. I think I'm going to start saying, hey folks, it's Henry Oak. Like because it rhymes a little bit. You don't have to. You don't have to do that. And my fact is I've been murdered by Beth. Henry Oak is a Birkenstock rockin', granola crunchin', super munchy,

crunchy, hippie nature druid dad who doesn't wash his hands enough. And my fun fact about – I'm very excited for this fun fact. Oh,. And my fun fact about... I'm very excited for this fun fact. Oh, boy. My fun fact about Henry Oak this week. And think about this one for a second. Don't just give me your immediate reaction. I'm closing my eyes.

This is like poetry. You got to let it wash over you. Henry's favorite book is Trees. Because, like... trees. If you've ever seen exactly 20% of a room laughing, it's a thing to behold. Especially while the remaining 80% is laughing

less than I've ever seen a human being laugh before. Think about it. It's like they've got so many layers. They're full of great characters. You could spend... And you go to the forest and it's like you're going to a big old library. It's like they've got so many layers. They're full of great characters. You could spend, like, and you go to the forest, and it's like you're going to a big old library. It's all free. Henry's favorite book is trees. Can I ask canonically, as our daddy master and bard rock star found himself.

I have to ask, well, would Henry be one of those people who likes to sunbathe their buttholes? Yeah. Did Henry get some cool ideas when he saw that girl on Instagram? Henry was like, old news. What? What is this?

No, this is better. All right, I'm fine. This is going to be like yesterday's news when this podcast finally comes out. This is hot off the presses right now. Okay. Hot off the perineum. For the past few weeks,

I've included sunning my bum in Yoni flower emoji into my daily rising routine sun emoji. That's so Australian. Many of you have been asking about the benefits of this practice, lighting bulb emoji. 30 seconds of sunlight on your butthole is the equivalent of a full day of sunlight with your clothes on, lighting bulb emoji. This is an ancient Taoist practice. I changed my mind. This Instagram post is Henry's dad practice.

I want to immediately, my weird Asian mysticism radar. It's an ancient Taoist tradition, Freddie. It pinged immediately. I'm like, no fucking... Listen, the Chinese have done crazy stuff over the course of the past. This feels a little bit like you made this shit up. We Googled. We could not find it.

Could not find any evidence. No, I'm just thinking it's like butthole tanning. And she said it was for wellness. It's like something you can throw in as an extra jamba juice. I mean, you can't argue with the results because she had 700 followers when this whole thing started. And now she has 12.6 thousand. That settles it. I have a copy of the Tao Te Ching up.

I'm just going to do a quick find. Just give me one second. I'm just going to control F. I have a copy of the Tao Te Ching up. I'm just going to do a quick find. Just give me one second. I'm just going to do a control F. I have a copy of my butthole. Yeah, no, it's not in here, guys. It's not in part one. It's in Henry's copy. And let me just, you guys all wonder why Henry's so perky in the morning.

Guys, okay, so the other day. That's why Henry wakes up early. The other day I was listening to this podcast, and I'm obviously not going to name names at all, but I was like listening to it, and it was one of the first episodes that I was listening to and I was like 10 minutes in they still hadn't started the fucking podcast and I was like oh this will never happen to us we're way better than that but hey my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler I forgot to do the Ron voice

as I was going into the word Ron. Ron is an emotionally stunted stepfather and a rogue. Fun fact about Ron. Actually, we're recording this two days before American Thanksgiving, which is a problematic holiday where all of us enjoy turkey and football. And a fun fact about Ron, specifically in relation to Thanksgiving, is that while Samantha will go through the task of cooking the entire Thanksgiving meal and occasionally inviting whoever will come over, Ron requests that his actual dinner be cold and sandwich form, like the leftovers most people consume the next day.

Gross. Yeah. I like the cold sandwich leftovers more than the Thanksgiving. No, I like it too. I don't like going like, no consume the next day. Gross. Yeah. I like the cold sandwich leftovers more. No, I like it too. I do too. I don't like going like, no, cool that down. I'm not having that turkey. Maybe Samantha probably chucks a plate in the fridge.

Yeah. Maybe. I mean, she seems very like empathetic. She seems very accommodating. Dude, that's stupid shit. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. My dad fact is, I think it was Emma in our Discord said something.

I taught a new word that applies to Ron and Samantha. She said that both Ron and Samantha are apparently morosexuals. And I looked that up and that's apparently. Is that sad sexual? Like morose? No, it's like M-O-R-O sexual. And apparently it's somebody who's sexually attracted to somebody who's dumber than them. Both Samantha and Ron are morosexuals.

Which is pretty fucking good. I actually just realized that so am I. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Got a couple exes listening. Okay. Are you ready to try and get your gems back? So to summarize what happened last time,

you went to the city of Neverwinter to use your ill-gotten gains, or I guess fairly gotten gains. They were well gotten. They were well gotten. To hire an army of mercenaries to help you charge into Barovia and get your kids back from the castle

of what was formerly Strahd von Zarovich. As you attempted to have your man in Havana, Glenn Close, sneak in and use his incredible wiles and great judgment to Which way? Come on. It turned out pretty good for most of it. It actually did turn out fine. In like Glenn. Yeah. He went to the Bad Dogs mercenary agency.

You met Benedict Cabbage Patch and basically tried to negotiate some terms, but he, at a particular moment, recognized something was off with you. The comms went dead. Somebody knocked on your van. Oh, cool, it's Glenn. Glenn took all the jewels because he said it wasn't a big deal.

He just needed to pay off Cabbage Patch and then absconded with them. And then five seconds later, the real Glenn Close knocked on the van in a panic and said that, you know, things had gone bad. And then Henry dropped a mug that said, Scam likely on the bottom. Yeah, there's a fax slowly going through in Meadowshade. So it mug that said scam likely on the bottom. Yeah, there's a fax slowly going through in meadow shade. Scam likely!

Scam likely! Fucking stupid. Convince me. Tell me every last detail. You then got a call from scam likely saying thanks for the jewels. So he left you holding the, I'd say holding the bag, holding the lack of bag. But you just seconds ago saw what you thought was Glenn

running into the forest to the south of you. I turn on the engine and I instantly drive towards. So you gun the car? Yeah, the moment that Glenn shows up and. Am I in the car or am I getting left in the dust? I don't know. What are you doing? I open the side door of the minivan

and wave to Glenn to run in and jump in while we chase after Scam Likely. Thank you, Henry. Whoa, this guy looks exactly like Glenn. Wait, how do we know this is the real Glenn? Yeah, prove yourself. Glenn, what the hell happened, man? Say something only Glenn would say. Uh...

Uh... Well, hmm. It's Glenn. It's Glenn, all right. Glenn, we just saw you, that flimflam man, Sc man scammed likely made off with our dough. Wait, he looked like me? He looked exactly like you. So he looked pretty fucking hot, right?

Very. I'm driving towards, do we still see? I mean, I guess I roll perception or investigate. Yeah, go ahead. 14. So the 14, you can tell. He just ran in a straight-ass line south into this copse of trees. Oh, cops. Tree cops. You could drive up to the trees, but can tell he just ran in a straight ass line south into this copse of trees. Oh, cops.

Tree cops. You could drive up to the trees, but they're so close together you'll have to get out of the van to follow him. Okay, but we're probably like feet behind at this point. Oh yeah, you're not very far behind him at all. Alright, I mean, guys, we gotta get our money back. I drive and I power slide right as close to the tree as I can and I jump out and I start sprinting towards wherever he was. Okay. Thinking quickly and seeing this happen in movies, Glenn takes a spare strip of cloth and ties it around his wrist and points it out back.

This one, I'm the real one. Just so, just in case we ever get into a boy, this one's not the real one. It's this one, the one with the red little thing on his wrist. All right.

Okay, cool. Uh, Oh no, he grabs a live strong bracelet. That's somehow just like loose in the, uh, in the van sitting in the back of Daryl's van for like 10 years.

Yeah, exactly. Are you guys joining? Are we all running? Yeah, we're jogging after. It's like that shot in Avengers Age of Ultron where they all leap. Yes. You know what I mean? And they do like that like in the beginning.

Yeah, and you're like, this is going to be a good movie. As you start moving through the trees, you come to a clearing and you see that in the center of it, there is a very large bouncy house, essentially. It's a large castle that on the outside says, Scam Likely's Riddle House. Oh, son of a bitch! It's probably not even the house.

You know? Wait, Ron, he called you, didn't he? I called him. Well, give him a call. Let's get him on the board. But then he called afterwards. Wait, wait, wait, so it's a big bouncy castle. Yeah. And he disappeared. I mean, you can't see him. The tracks lead to the front of the bouncy castle, yeah.

Guys, I think he might be in this bouncy castle. Can we just poke it? He runs up and takes an axe and cuts into the bouncy castle. He goes, get the hell out of here, asshole. Give us our money back. As you attack the bouncy... Actually, go ahead and roll an attack against the bouncy castle. Are you using your Payton axe? Oh, yeah. I'm using my payton axe okay so you get a minus one to hit oh

shit is payton still in the car where's payton oh yeah hey guys what's going on oh actually this reminds me there was that thing i wanted to give you that i couldn't find it i still can't find it but i have a different thing that i did find that i did forget to give you and now i'm going to give it to you are you ready who wants it okay so it's i thought the gift was you and you were surprised i have a real thing i just need to fight it's like small Are you ready? Who wants it? Okay, so it's a- I thought the gift was you, and you were surprising us. I have a real thing. I just need to find- It's like small, and it's in my pockets, and it got lost. But I will-

I promise I will find it. This will pay off. Keep looking for it, kiddo. But no, I actually have something to give you right now. So- Like mid-swing? If it were like a lot of gems, that would be great. So I like wind back, and then I stop like on my backswing, and I just put my hand out

and go, all right, kiddo, what is it? Well, it goes- Actually, I mean, you can do that first. That's fine. I I just put my hand out and go Alright kiddo what is it? Well actually you can do that first I don't want to interrupt you So before you guys came back to And I got back in the car I got like slightly kidnapped For a very short period of time It's not a big deal

It's all good but I got rescued And the folks who rescued me we worked together and made this item for you. So this is called the Blade of Pocket Sand, and it was made by the On Call Daddies. That was the name of the group that rescued me. And it's a plus one longsword, and unsheathing it causes a spray of sand to come out

that instantly repletes itself in the sheath. Pocket sand! And if the sand hits somebody in the eyes, it blinds them for a round, but you have to yell, Daddy, Daddy, ho who in order to draw it that's so good and it replenishes yourself forever so you basically have infinite sand but you have to keep drawing the sword every time if you want the sand to come out so that was in real life our patreon supporters the top tier thing was like i did a little one-off session for them and they survived and so the reward for surviving they got to design this item for Peyton to

give to you. So yeah the On Call Daddies was the name of that great. Well thank you to the On Call Daddies for rescuing Peyton and gifting us this magnificent blade. Peyton you're telling me there's other dads that are roaming this land? Yes there's other dads out there. Whoa Glenn stares off into the middle distance Well Peyton that's pretty exciting

I'm glad you're okay. Somebody want to look at that sword really quick while I I'll hold on to it for now it is 100 factual that henry oak has taken like kendo like samurai sword drawing classes in like some norcal like retreat no henry trained to be in a night in the medieval times yeah so this is he's summoning on his... He's practicing in his backyard with a broadsword. While you all were... While you all were out being dads, he was

studying the blade. I got a 16 then. On a d20. Wow, that's great. Good job, Matt. You rolled a dice and the random number came up pretty high. The damage is 7 plus three, so 10. Okay, so you hit it with a really good strike and it comes in at just the right angle

that it implants itself in what you thought was like rubber or linen or something of the castle, but it just sort of sticks there. And even though it seems to have the appearance of something that's buoyant and full of helium, it seems to be actually made of harder stuff than that. Anthony, bouncy houses don't have helium in them. Oh, yeah, they would go up too high.

That would be a joke. You know what? What if they did, though? Yeah, that'd be so much fun. That'd be good. I feel like Daryl, you guys don't know that. He goes, these things really aren't that tough. Let me give it another swing, and I go for it again.

Okay, double attack, Daryl. 12 on the dice, on the d20. With the 12, your axe bounces off, almost like you just tried to hit a stone wall with your metal axe. It flies from your hands and you kill Peyton. Oh my God. I've got an idea.

What if we call Scam Likely's phone and then maybe he has the ringer on and then we can just hear where that that sly devil is yeah yeah do it ron great idea great i'm gonna go check the back i'm gonna make sure he's not escaping the back and i grab the axe my pain come with me and i run around to the other side around the other side you can see there is no back door there's only the front door there's no back door here guys i run all the way back wait daryl are you sure i run all the way back to the back door you know what this time there is a back door now for real we all run we all run to the back door. You know what? This time there is a back door. For real? We all run to the back door

and it's gone again. What a delight. If you call everybody back to go see it, then when you come back, it's not fair anymore. What a house of illusions. Truly a puzzle

that is so difficult to solve. Daryl's panting and he just sits down on the grass now with his axe. He goes, oh, and he comes over

and starts fanning. He's like, you're good, man. You're doing it. Daryl expended all of his cardio dice. I had to roll above a five, right? Okay, cool.

I got a seven. Oh, wow. Okay, that was close. I'm calling Scam Likely. Put him on speaker. I'm going to put him on speaker, and I hope that he has a Hello Moto ringtone. Because then we can find him easier.

We can just go like, Hello Moto. Okay, so... Hello, moto. So you hear from inside the bouncy house. It doesn't make any sense because it seems to be further away than could be physically possible considering you're standing right next to the bouncy house entrance.

But you hear... But it's clearly coming from inside the bouncy house. Guys, the ringtone is coming from inside the house. You hear a click, and... Hello? Hello? Hi, is this Mr. Likely? This is he, Scam Likely.

Why don't you come in and we'll see? Yeah, I would love that. If you're smart enough to solve my riddles, three. Okay. Here's the thing. I'm a monosexual, which means that I'm not into riddles. I'm into people who are

not good at riddles. I didn't invite you here to get off. I invited you here to test your wits. That's how I get off. I invited you here to test your wits. Okay, and then... That's how I get off. Okay. You're on speaker, so give us... Hey, boys.

Hi. Give us our money back. Why don't you do the riddles out here? I will if you come in and do the riddles. No, do them out here. I'm pretty tired. I mean, I'm the one holding all of the gems. I'm the one with all the leverage.

Well, if you bring them out here, then you won't be. And you're the ones who killed my cousin. Are you really mad about that? Yes. I'm not. Your cousin was an asshole. He tried to kill us. We killed his ass.

Yeah, come out here and teach us a lesson. You know, we have a riddle for you. Yeah. Sure do. Let's hear the dumb riddle from the dum-dum. Let's go. No, you're going to have to come outside to hear it. Boy, oh boy, it's a really

good riddle. You're going to want to hear this one because I don't think you're smart enough to solve it. You've done this exact gamut at least once before. I don't remember if it went well or not, but go ahead and roll persuasion with disadvantage. I was like, oh no, I got a 10 and then I got a 5. I don't remember if it went well or not. But go ahead and roll persuasion with disadvantage. I was like, oh no, I got a 10.

And then I got a 5. You can't scam a scammer. Fine, we'll come in, but I'm pretty hungry. Do you have any food in there? Food? I mainly satiate myself on delight from watching people get stumped by my incredible scam. You don't need to eat? No, I satiate myself on your misery.

Well, that works too. Guys, I mean, if we just stay out here, he has no food in there. He'll die. And if he satiates himself a riddle, he'll starve to death. I didn't know you cared so little about your children that you thought you had weeks upon weeks to waste. Yeah, you did. You know your cousin killed kids. Yeah, a lot. That sounds like a scam. And as I've said, you can't You know your cousin killed kids. No, did he? Yeah, a lot. That sounds like a scam.

And as I've said, you can't scam a scammer. Do you want to come in and do this thing or not? I've got one and a half good riddles. All right, guys. And one and a half kind of okay ones. Glenn, I couldn't help but notice you wrapped a thing around your arm. Yeah, that's just in case, like, because you said that he. But let's all do the.

He's still on the... Hang up the phone. All right, scam, fuck you. And I hang up Rod's phone. I think that's a good idea. We should all do something because who knows what's going to happen there and he can change forms.

We all need like a code phrase. So do you know what I mean? If you take a will and you see a picture of a dog, that means you've come to the right login for your bank information. We all whisper really close so he can't hear us. What happened to all those? We all whisper a word, like a safe word, essentially. What if it's this? What if one of us

asks, what's the best movie of all time? And then we say, Rudy. No, we should all have our own one. What's everyone's favorite movie? Yikes. Meanwhile, in Ravenloft's Lark and Sparrow looking, sherow looking like what do you think dad's

doing right now so everybody get really coming i swear so we get really close to be whispered so nobody overhears this is important okay all right so just we need one piece of knowledge that he doesn't have that we can use in case he tries to destroy so my favorite movie is the sunrise so it's also my favorite tv show it's my favorite TV show that also is a movie. Okay. So if somebody pretends to be Henry, we ask them that. Okay. My favorite movie is American in Paris.

Oh, I love that movie. Okay. Um, okay. Um, Ron's like, okay, don't say what they said. Don't say what they said. Um, my favorite movie is before sunrise. It's better. It's better than what Henry, it's even better than the thing that Henry said.

Fair enough. My favorite movie is that one part of 2001, A Space Odyssey. Which part? The part that's just 20 minutes of visuals. That part's awesome, man. That's all of the parts. It's a very visual movie.

Oh my God, it's all stars part because it just blitzed out of your mind. Oh, the stoner part. Okay. All right. All right. Peyton's like, I don't know. I don't know what movies are, but I'm psyched to be whispering.

I'm psyched to be part of the huddle again, guys. Peyton, what's the name of your favorite UFC fighter? Oh, I think that would have to be, and he looks you dead in the eye and he goes, Peyton. That's great, Peyton. And that's why you're such a strong fighter. You know what you're going to do? You're going to take your axe, Peyton, right? Yeah.

And you're going to guard the car and you're're going to make sure no one comes in there. Oh, come on, man. Don't keep doing this to me. Don't keep benching me, coach. I'm safer with you guys than alone out in this forest. That's probably fair. That's probably fair. Payton, it seems like this is a riddle-based encounter.

And it seems like Payton, being from this world, might know a thing or two about this world that we don't know that maybe is part of the riddle. Fair enough. That's true. Also, I can't remember what my favorite movie I said was. I was wondering if I could just do random...

If I said maracas, then you know that it's me. I think we'll probably be able to tell if it's you. Alright, Pan, you make a good point. Hey, thanks for the sword, buddy. Hey, no problem, man. Stay safe in there. All of us stay safe in there. Let's do a little doodler huddle.

Okay. Hands in the middle. Hands in the middle. All right. Go doodlers. Go riddlers. Ooh, three, two, one. Go riddlers.

We enter. Just checking the copyright on that. okay so the second you walk into the bouncy house you see that is non-euclidean space you enter and it is far bigger on the inside than it appeared to be from the outside i want a doctor who was just like oh it's way smaller on the it's just shitty and small on the inside somehow smaller on the inside than it is on the outside. Like it looks like a mansion you go in and it's like a one bedroom apartment. You're like, where did it go?

So literally like my house. It's a big, long, dark hallway. At the end of it, you see the Glenn that came to your van and he's standing over just hot, just rippling biceps. Sexual energy. First you feel the sexual energy radiating from the hallway.

Then you see him standing next to what appears to be just a big hole in the center of the hallway. Oh, there was no chance we were going to mix these two up. Because that one's really hard. And he's holding in his outstretched hand the bag of jewels. And he goes, okay, here's how this is going to work. I have 11 jewels in this bag i'm going to ask you three riddles and then we're going to play a little bit of truth or dare every time you don't answer correctly or if you give me an answer i don't like and i'll be very

generous don't worry i'm going to throw a d6 number of these jewels into this well which will disappear forever what where does that well go? It goes to nowhere. How? Is it just really deep? Yeah. I mean, yeah. And the walls are like super slick.

So like a really long rope to get it though. Like an infinitely long rope. Yeah. Nobody knows where the bottom is. There's always a bottom somewhere. All I'm saying is I haven't dug deep enough. There's always a bottom. You just need to shine some sun on it. And you've noticed I'm very far away.

So if I also see you try to come at me with some shit, some physical stuff, I'm just going to drop the whole bag in. So are you ready for the first riddle? What's the ground like? The ground is a nice carpet leading all the way up to it. It's like in fucking Peach's Castle from Mario 64. There's a big runner in the middle that's all nice and carpeted. On the sides, you see there's basically just stone, cold stone. Is there like a wavy painting at the end of it?

Yeah, there's a wavy painting of Glenn pointing at you with both finger guns. It should be him and his cousin. Oh, yeah. It's Glenn and the library holding each other. Wait, Glenn? It still looks like Glenn? Yeah, he sees your confusion and turns and goes,

oh yeah, all images of me look like whatever I want them to look like, past, dead, and present. If we're going to do your riddles, can we at least look at you face to face?

Oh, no, no, no. You're not going to see my true face. That's for special boys. Oh, okay. Not like in a creepy way like for people I really care about.

I said it and then I realized how it sounded. All right, let's do this riddle. Sorry, quick dad h realized how it sounded all right sorry quick dad one moment scam likely i just want to throw it out there i know that that was like pretty aggro about like the value of money in the past but you know do we really need him i mean like our kids are out there and we do have some jewels and you know i feel like there's nothing i understand but i feel like there's been like some tension about like, what are we doing and stuff saving our kids?

But like, you know, we're not just, we're not getting this money to go to like Las Vegas. Like we're getting this money. We think, do we really need the money? Yeah. I'm going to roll a sense motive on Freddie. Go ahead. I got a natural one. No way of knowing.

Glenn's a closed book. Unless you think the four of us can march into a 30-story castle, I think the idea of hiring an army was pretty darn good. All right. So I just want to say then, let's all, as a group, shout out the answers and not just shout them out when it comes to us. You know, I'm in a trivia bar team back home. Oh, what's the name of your trivia team?

We're the Fabulous Leaf Boys because I like leaves and we're pretty fabulous at the game. Who said your boys was a Larkin Sparrow? It's me, Larkin Sparrow. We're the Fabulous Leaf Boys. And Mercedes, Erica, and she takes it way too seriously. She carries the team.

She's the fabulous part. She's the fabulous part. You have your kids in a bar? It's like a... A juice bar. It's a juice bar. Thank you, Matt, for carrying me through that bit.

Fucking Sam to my Frodo over here getting me over that hump. Okay, yeah, so we agree that whenever we have an answer we just sort of huddle like this. I was going to say we all raise our hands. Okay. And that way we know if someone's got the answer. So raise your hand and then we'll, you know, know.

Just don't blurt anything out. Before we get into this, I do have a spell called Pass Without Trace in which a veil of shadows and silence radiates from you, masking you and your companions from detection for the duration. Each creature you choose within a 30-foot radius of you, including you, has a plus 10 bonus to dexterity stealth checks and can't be tracked

except by magical means so i'm just saying like maybe there is a way to sneak up i just want to say this cam likely looks like me so i'm pretty sure he has magical means okay we also have that thing the jewel can't scam hear us right now here let me test no he can't hear you i'm just i'm still gonna test scams a, stupid fucking butthead. All right, guys. So here's. What are you guys talking about? Nothing.

Hey, so yeah, you have some spells. I was also thinking, can you like make vines grow? Oh, I can. Couldn't you just like make like a big basket like half, like down the hole? I was also thinking I could release three bats from the head of vermin and they could just hang sort of from the hole and then catch the little things in their wings and um okay so we could really quick you cannot believe how annoyed anthony looks right now they just won't answer a fucking riddle the real riddle is how do we get out of this without answering a riddle it's so simple all you had to do was answer through i thought surely surely

they fuck me so bad with all the money and stuff. At least they'll let me have this. Can I have this, daddy? My son, can I have this, your loving father? All right, guys,

maybe we should answer this. I mean, you can do whatever you want, but I will say that like he did say if there's any funny business, he's just going to drop the whole fucking thing

in the well. So if he's looking at you and all of a sudden you all disappear, he's not going to think that like, oh, maybe they left. Like he's going to, you know, he's going to be's gonna you know he's gonna be unless we said wait hold on

and hold on scam if we get it right are you gonna give us our money back yes i will hold what let me see your hands fingers no fingers crossed or nothing i'll show you my hands no fingy crossy no leg i'll take off my shoes my toes aren't crossed inside or whatever oh my god a natural one on that okay i don I don't even know. There's no way of knowing. Are you influencing our dice rolls, Anthony?

No. Maybe. Maybe that's one of my scams is I went in and weighted all of your dice. I think our best bet here is we go along with the riddle plan.

If things start to go pear-shaped, I can cast Entangle, which should allow me to cast, how far down the hill is he? This hallway is about 60 feet long. Okay, great, because the ranger untangles 90 feet,

so I can definitely sprout a bunch of vines over the bottomless pit, and then that should be able to stop the vines from going. I mean, but yeah, then you'll have to run 60 feet to get to him and have a whole turn of trying to hack away the vines and just drop the shit down the well. I'm also really good at catching things, so keep that in mind

The riddles are not that hard They're not that hard Hit us with these riddles Alright scam So there are three riddles each increasing in difficulty The first one I have a feeling you're going to get This one's a gimme I have a spine but no bones

I have a jacket but no coat I have much to tell you but no Everybody's raising their hands already. Daryl's not. It's a book, guys. Do we think it's a book? Can you finish the riddle? Just wait. Don't. Because it could go like and then at the end he's like and I have six butts and five shoots out of my mouth. It's not one of those.

I have standards. It's five but no bones, jacket but no coat. I have much to tell you but no mouth. What am I? I think I heard you say it. Wait, wait, wait. We gotta all talk first before we say the answer. What do you guys say? Book with six butts. The only kind of books I read.

Um, yeah, we think it's a book. It's like a book. Sure. It's not fish. It's not, it's not a fish.

No, no, it's a book. It's a book. All right. I mean, you guys say so. Okay.

I said it's a book. All right. Yeah, no, that's, that's it. You're well done. Well done. Okay. All right. yeah, no, that's it. Well done, well done. Okay, all right, next one's a little bit hard. We get to move up 20 feet closer to you now, right?

Yeah, like I'm the emperor and this is Hero, the movie I've seen. It's my favorite movie. In case anybody ever tries to see who the real Scarecrow is, my favorite movie is Hero. He's on to us. Songy Moe's Hero? Yeah.

All right, riddle number two. I help a needle do its job. When a hurricane's hero. Yeah. Alright. Riddle number two. I help a needle do its job. When a hurricane rages, I do not. And I'm about to tell you the answer. What am I? A tornado. It's an eye. No. It's an eye. I don't get it. It's an eye.

Yeah, it's an eye. An eye of a needle. I have a hurricane. I have a tornado. That's what I was saying. No, it's an eye. Daryl, do you know how riddles work? No, you guys say tornado. That's what I was saying. Yeah. No, it's an I. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Daryl, do you know how riddles work?

No, you guys say it. Daryl just kept saying tornado, and then you said I. Wait, yeah, that's what I said. I have the tornado. That's what I meant. Yeah, I'm with you guys. You guys say it. You guys say it.

I'm going to say it. Go ahead. It's an I. Well done. Not the letter. Oh. I wasn't going to get you like that. That's not how riddles work.

No, you got it. Wait, guys, it wasn't the letter? Side huddle. Daryl. Side huddle. Daryl, have you ever solved riddles before? Yeah, I just did two with you guys. Daryl, I'm going to ask you a question right now.

Okay. There's one right answer. Yeah. Just to test your general riddle knowledge. Yeah. What has four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?

It's not a chair, right? No. What's your next riddle, Scam? All right, here's the last one. Wait, I don't get the other riddle. It's man. Like a baby crawls around in the morning of life, you know, as a baby. No, I don't get that at all.

All right, I'm ready, scam. Are you guys all right? But you just said morning. That doesn't make any sense. Focus up. I'm the riddle boy here, not you. I'm riddle daddy. All right, so here's the final one of the riddles,

and then we go on to Truth or Dare What? I told you from the beginning several times That's what we're doing You can walk when you have four of me Any less don't even try When you have lots of fun you're having a me Now tell me what am I? Oh

Is it a ball? Oh wow wow What the fuck Ron is a genius Jesus Christ Ron Is it a ball? Oh, wow. Wow, Beth. What the fuck, Beth? Ron, what? Ron is a genius. Jesus Christ, Ron. Ron would like to give it up to his friend, Beth May, for giving him the knowledge.

Yeah, Ron calls Beth and Beth answers immediately. Holy shit, Beth. It's a ball. Wait, what sort of ball? Like the term a ball. Like four balls is a strike. Four balls is a strike. Four balls is a strike. Four balls is a strike.

Henry O is his sports knowledge on display fully. Look, you talk to me about sun and buttholes, I'm your guy. You haven't even heard that one before because I made that up. That's a Scam Likely original. That's not even a, oh, you just know a lot of riddles. Damn, all right. I'm going to answer. Balls.

Yeah. No, you go hard, Ron. Damn. Jesus. Holy shit. So do we get three gems now, Mr. Likely? No, I just don't throw a D6 worth of gems into the thing. Once we get done with all the truth or dare, whatever gems I have remaining, I just give to you. That's how this works. Okay. Okay.

So now we have specialized truth or dare for all of you. Truth or dare is a sexy game. It is. It is. And I feel, personally, this is very sexy. We are married. Most of us. All of us. All of us are married. Yeah.

And that's sexy. Monogamy is really sexy. Scam Nightly disagrees. Glenn, are you married? We never talk about you. Glenn's like, yeah, I'm married. What are you guys talking about? Well, maybe that Glenn is married, but not the other Glenn.

Who's the real marriage? Wait a second. Wait a second. Have you guys ever heard Glenn talk about marriage before? I roll another sense motive. Oh my god. Everyone is so distrustful of me because we did that little bedroom.

Wait, what if Glenn is married to Glenn to scam? I don't know. I got a five. I did not get a good sense motive. What were the other rules you all had? 15. With a 15, Glenn you have the other rules you all had 15 with a 15 glenn you have to tell daryl the truth with that 15 uh insight check yeah it's that glenn is married this is now the first time actually in the podcast that we're talking about this he's never remarried

but because the wife is dead he's also never divorced either so in his head he's like no i'm still oh shit i didn't like i thought it was your scam likely i thought it was like a double rope-a-dope i wasn't trying to help you is uh is uh um it's been telling us this or yeah you don't have to be yeah man i mean i've kept the ring on it's been years but you know it's like she's still here dude dude i'm sorry that must be really tough sorry buddy just no it's all right man no man i could go on tour and you know what? The babes love it when you're a married man. I give Glenn a big hug. Ow. Payton, give Glenn a hug.

Payton's in here? Glenn, with your consent, I would also like to join this hug. It's alright, buddy. Thank you for sharing that with us. That took a lot, man. I hug him too. Glenn from the hug pals is like, so what was the truth or dare? Thank you for sharing that with us. Yeah. That was really... It's all right. That took a lot, man. That's all right. I hug him, too.

I hug him, too. Glenn from the hug pals, like, so what was the truth or dare? Okay, so are you just... Wow. You guys... I know. This is what friendship looks like. No, it's great.

You and your asshole cousin. I'm pretty impressed. It's great. Okay, so the way this is going to work is... Guys, remember, dare is the sexier choice. Yes. Okay. So I have a truth and a dare option

for each of you. If you don't want to do either, then I throw a D6 down. Holy shit. You have to choose one to do and you have to do it like, there's no middling around this. There's no, you know.

Do we know what it's going to be or do we have to say truth or dare and we call it? Have you ever played truth or dare? Yeah, you gotta just say truth or dare. What a burn. Show up, Matt.

I've seen it in movies. All right, who would like to go first? Guys, I'll go first. I'll give this a shot. You know, this isn't really my game. I get very nervous, both when I'm trying not to tell the truth. You know what, truth.

I tell the truth all the time about everything. This can't be that hard. Hello, Scam Likely. I would like not to tell the truth. You know what? Truth. I tell the truth all the time about everything. This can't be that hard. Hello, Scam Likely. I would like truth, please. Okay. This question I'm going to ask you has an answer. If I ever ask you a question for one of these truths, you can't say that question is invalid.

You can't weasel your way out of it. There is an answer. Okay. If I do not like the answer, I'm throwing away a D6 of gems. Henry, which sun is your favorite? Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Guys, run. There is a right answer, right? You said there is a right answer. I'm saying you can't be like, I love them both equally or neither of them. The answer is either Lark or Sparrow. But what if I do love both my sons equally?

That's not true. That's not true? Because you know that that's not true. I know that that's not true. I look at Henry and I'm like, say what you got to say. And I plug my ears and start humming the Limp Bizkit remix of the Mission Impossible theme so that I can't hear what he's going to say and that I can't be press ganged by his kids to't hear what he's going to say and that I can't be press ganged

by his kids to tell them what he said in this situation. I look at Henry and say, you just say whatever the hell you need to say. Who cares if he throws those gems down the well? I look at Henry and say, Sparrow, please. I'm going to take the D6. Ooh. Alright. Alright.

Five gems go down the well. Oh my gosh. That's spicy. Right, so six gems remain. Five gems go down the well. That's spicy. So six gems remain. Henry has to go sit down. That was a lot. And there is an answer, but it goes to Henry's grave.

Because he doesn't even want to admit to himself that there's an answer. I just want to point out, that's $1.4 million down the drain. $ 1.4 million oh those gems made such an expensive noise going down the well who would like to be next this is why the youth ministers you got in so much trouble in church camp if you fucking played this game this is why oh this is horrible this in the ouija board am i right i just do dare well i'm not going next i'll go next all right glenn dare me daddy master okay why did you go glenn why did you call i don't know it just kind of came to me in that moment man that's a fun little turn of phrase i don't like they call them that okay glenn in front of you the ground opens up and a little podium rises from the ground with a big old red button on it

the button says lp on it and scam likely says LP on it. And Scam Likely says, So, the Glenn Close Trio is known for their Christmas music, and you've got a lot of fame that way. If you press this button, I won't throw away a D6 worth of gems, but the fabric of time and space will be rewritten so that the Glenn Close Trio is a Linkin Park cover band. Oh! Holy shit! Do Oh! Holy shit! Do it!

Holy shit! If you press this button, you will cease to be a guitarist. You will be the lead DJ of the Lincoln Park cover band. Were you to pick up a guitar after pressing that button, you would find

that you don't know how to play guitar anymore. Oh my gosh. You would have to relearn it from scratch, but you would be very, very good at spinning discs. But DJs just... Which era of Linkin Park? You won't know unless you press the button.

Just really quick. This is amazing. Anthony emailed me months ago and he asked just like out of the blue. He's like, Freddie, what would like Glenn Close's least favorite band be? I was like, oh, I was like, oh, Linkin Park in my head. I'm thinking about it really quick. And I'm like doing the math. I was like oh i was like oh lincoln park in my head i'm thinking about it really quick and i'm like doing the math where it's like okay how many jewels are left can i retire left there are six jewels left with one very bad roll you could lose every jewel you have just based on this glenn is staring at his hands he's like but this is this is all i got

guys it's not worth it glenn it's everything man I clench my hands into fists. It's your kids. And I say, throw the jewels away. I'll never give up being a rock star, baby. Guitars for life. Hendrix, baby. Clapton, baby. Okay. Four jewels disappeared down

the well. I would have thought that your own sense of pride was gonna overpower you to make some pretty bad decisions, but I didn't think it'd be that bad. I think if your kid dies in Barobi, he'll definitely forgive you for retaining your guitar skills. That'll be a really good decision

you've made. So, who wants to go next? We have two gems, one for each of you. I'll go. Okay, truth or dare? I'll tell you the truth. Okay, go ahead, do a thing. What thing? You dare? I'll tell you the truth. Okay, go ahead. Do a thing. What thing?

You're going to say a badass thing. No. Oh, I thought you were like, I'll tell you the truth. I'm going to kick your ass. I thought you were having fun. Nope. Okay. Why is it that your son doesn't think you're as great of a dad as you think your dad is? Why aren't you as good as your dad?

Man, this is an easy one. Do you need the answer? I can tell you. The truth is, I don't know. I ask myself that every day. That's not good enough. There is an answer. If you don't give me one, I'm going to roll the baboons. Quick, Henry, whisper it in his ear.

He's got to do this one on his own, I think. What's your best guess for why not? If you've thought about it, you must have some possibilities in mind. It's because I try to be my dad. After I lost my dad, I try to be just like him rather than the dad that Grant needs. That's

a very good answer. The gems are not going in the well. Well done. Well done, Daryl. All right. Dang, Daryl. Dang, Daryl. That's not what I was going to say. I was going to say that you're too strict.

I know that's not what you were going to say. I added like a paragraph. All right, Ron, truth or dare? Okay. Guys, what do you think I should go for? Ron, with you, it's really anyone's guess. As they say, a 1D2. Dare is the sexier option, and I am going to dare it.

Never wear pants ever again. I triple dog dare you. When you say pants, do you mean anything that comes? Pants! Like underwear? Is that underpants or underwear? No, underwear's okay, but no pants ever. What about shorts?

No shorts. Capris? Nope. Only underwear from the waist down. Underwear, socks, and shoes. Could you take a shirt and, like, sew it up so then the sleeves are like... If you did, it would melt on your very pelvis. Yikes.

Boxers or boxer briefs? That's up to you, my friend. Oh, what a lovely choice. Oh, God, this is tough. It is wild how you've managed to really... Oh, man. Dad huddle. Okay.

I mean, couldn't you just say yes and we can get the gems? And then what is he going to do once he wears pants? They said the pants will melt off of him whenever he tries to wear them he's giving up pants for the rest of his life wait really quick scam's a scammer there's no way he has that magic that can make wait a second what if he didn't even have the magic to fucking to make glenn forget like we don't know that scam likely pretty insane magic shit did he double scam us yeah i don't think he can make you pants would melt off you forever. Do you think it's really a bottomless pit? He seems pretty powerful, though.

Like, this is like a big rumor. He's made phone calls. You're right, Daryl. That was definitely the thing that stuck out to me the most about our current situation. He's made phone calls and he turned into Glenn. I still don't think that means he could make pants melt off. I mean, okay. Okay, guys, I have an important question to ask all of you.

You got nice legs. It's okay if you don't wear pants. Okay. I mean, do you wear boxers or briefs? I love boxers, man. Boxers over here. Okay. Boxer briefs.

Boxer briefs. Okay. You're talking to the wrong guy. Oh, yeah. Of course. Of course. Of fucking course. High speed, low drag. Okay. You're talking to the wrong guy. Oh, yeah. Of course. Of course. Of fucking course. High speed, low drag.

No. And doesn't wash his hands. And doesn't wipe his butt. That's part of high speed, low drag. And we should have a disadvantage to all stealth checks from the stank. I turn to scam likely.

I unzip my fly and I take off a pair of pants. Then I stare at Scam Likely and then I unzip my fly and I take off a pair of pants. Then I stare at Scam Likely and I take off a pair of pants. And then I take off

another couple pairs of pants. And then I look at all the dads and I'm like, I take off a couple pairs of pants. And then I look at all the dads and I'm like, I take off a couple pairs of pants. Then I look deep within my soul. Do you want us to take off our pants? I look deep within myself. Deeply moved, Henry takes off his pants

in solidarity with Ron. Oh, I see your dick. Oh, no. Ron takes off a pair of pants and hands it to Henry. Henry puts those pants on. And then at last, after 15 or 20 minutes, the last pair of pants comes off

revealing revealing that Ron is like totally sexy and well endowed and he's wearing like really hot boxers. What do the boxers look like?

They say just like cool guy over and over again. We have to sell that in the merch store. And then there's a small like there's a small tag at the top that says me undies. Cool guy.

Oh you know what? We still do have those holographic pants. Yeah. Which technically aren't pants. They're just a belt. Yeah. That's true. I'm going to throw those on. It'll be just like old times. When you put them on, boy, it just doesn't feel the same.

It's almost worse. Yeah, because you see the pants, but you feel the air. Okay. Well, because you see the pants, but you feel the air. Okay. Well, you've made quite the sacrifice, Ronald. I know how much you loved your pants. That's the game. Thank you so much for playing. I will...

He throws the gems at you, and they land right at your feet. That was a pleasure. That's my payback for you murdering my cousin. I didn't think I could beat you in a fight because he was always more the fighter. I was always more of the lover. But think about those things that I asked you.

Daryl, think about how you're not a good dad. Henry, go ahead and think about which one's your favorite. Glenn, think about how you put your child at risk because you didn't want to learn how to DJ.

Hey, hey, hey. Let's just be clear. If the sole provider for a child in this world is a DJ, that's putting that kid at risk. Well, it's been lovely. Maybe we'll see each other again.

Actually, you know what? I don't like to always just be a negative Nancy who doesn't help you at all because it feels like that gets a little repetitive. So if there's anything you want to know that might help you going forward with your quest to get your kids back or hire those mercenaries,

I'll answer anything honestly if you've got any questions. Aaron alluded to the fact that these purple wizards have some sort of powerful magic. What kind of magic is this are we talking about? Do you ever read Harry Potter? There's that part where Dumbledore is like,

alas, the first question you ask me, I cannot answer. At the end of the first book, this is kind of one of those scenarios. What? Scam likely sucks. Are you fucking kidding me? Scam likely sucks. Everyone, everyone's...

Hey, Scam, where do those gems go? Yeah, where do the gems go? The gems I threw down at the bottom of the bottle? Yeah, why wouldn't you keep them? Where do they go? Because I don't need money. Why? I mean, they're for the japes and the jokes and the fun.

So they really go down just to an empty bottomless pit? As far as I know, that bit goes on forever. Scam, I have an idea. Okay. If we can come up with a riddle that can stump you, will you give us all our money back and undo the spells? And if we can't stump you, you get the rest of the money. Henry, why are we double or nothing?

We got this. Let's go. You can get all the money back. I don't think he can get the money back. I don't know if I can get the money back. I'm sorry. Guys, guys, with two jewels plus the one that I have, that's three jewels.

That's plenty to get an army together. Yeah, we can definitely get the army today. At least we can go in the pyramids. That's fine. We don't need to try to outwit a cool riddle master in our D&D podcast. Forget it. But it's just that he said he can't get, I mean, okay.

I can't get the gems. I mean, if you want to riddle the riddle master, then I will come up with a cool gift for you if you can stump me. Alright, what's in my pocket? What's a cool riddle? I have to consider it a not bullshit riddle. I don't have anything. I've read a bunch of your books through

dimensional bleed from your world and a lot of them have some bullshit ass riddles in them and I don't play that way. Guys, I know I'm not very good at riddles, but I think I came up with one what what is it oh i mean should i say or are we gonna say it's a scam just whisper it to me and then we'll decide if this is the riddle we want to play on scam okay i i know i'm not too good at them but here's here's my attempt it keeps the little creatures warm and you can buy in a package and if it goes through two arms it goes back where it started.

It keeps creatures warm. A little creature. It keeps a little creature warm, and then what? You can buy it in a package. You can buy it in a package. And it goes through two arms. It goes through two arms.

It goes back home. I couldn't really get it to rhyme. That's pretty good. I don't know what it is. Can you guys guess it? It'll make sense, I think Two arms You guys are making fun of me, but I think it's a pretty good one Maybe if you're really bad at getting riddles

You're also really good at coming up with them Dumbass riddles Or the answer's gonna be complete bullshit Nope, I don't think so Mr. Scam Likely, I believe we have a riddle for you Okay, can you repeat it? Yeah, hi, why am I nervous to talk to you, Scam?, I believe we have a riddle for you. Okay, can you repeat it? Yeah. Hi. Why am I nervous to talk to you, Scam?

Fuck you. Fair enough. Yeah. So it keeps a creature warm, and you can buy it in a package. And if it goes through two arms, it goes back to where it started. Keeps a little creature warm. Keeps a little creature warm. Or like a medium-sized creature if you want.

I'm going to give myself a 60-second timer to solve this. You're here on Riddlecast. Anthony Burch has 40 seconds to guess the riddle. Can he do it while Will keeps talking at him? It's not helping. I like the idea that ScamLuckly has access to the internet, right? So it's like anything that we could have come up with. Oh, that's true.

Yeah, I was going to just Google whatever riddle you asked me. Oh, shit. We made one up right here, which makes it un-Google-able. The un-Google-able. What's going on, Scam? You know what? I got to admit, you stumped me.

What's the answer? It's a pigskin. Keeps the creature warm, pork rinds, can buy in a package, and when it goes through two arms, like when you kick a football, it goes back to the starting line. Alright, I got that. Touchdown Darryl. I did a riddle. Not bad, not bad.

You could probably punch that. Henry, you could have, right? Maybe you could punch that up and make it sound a little better. It's a great first draft though. That's a solid. Did you do that? Yeah, I was just thinking. That's a legit riddle. And it's like on brand for your character.

It's like I'm pretty like. Daryl and Matt are blushing. That's one of the hardest like improv things I've ever seen. An in character actually hard riddle. Thanks guys. Wow. Okay. So obviously he gives you a slow clap. the world. Jesus, man. Thanks, guys. Wow. Okay. So we got money or what happens? So scam likely.

So obviously he gives you a slow clap. Alright. And he says, again, I don't think I can get the money back, but I've got a pretty cool magical item that I sort of keep around for jokes that I could give to you. I mean, if that's something. Can we trade this item

back for one scam? Like, can we get like a scam wish like one free scam that we can call you and you have to scam the person that you said don't don't give him the thing he'll probably do it for free you love scams well no we seem like a good group of people my scams are not merely japes and jokes that i throw out as if mere baubles my scams are art they are artisanal creations made for a specific purpose, and those don't come cheap, my friend. So, yes, I will give you one organic, free-range, scam-likely scam.

Guys, trust me. You can't ask me to scam myself. Son of a bitch! You can't scam a scammer, my friend! You can't scam a scammer! That was close. All right, well, should we just fucking take this item? But I thought we were going to just get scam likely to scam never winter.

Oh, yeah, we can still do that. I was just disappointed because I was going to scam him into giving all our money back. I know, but it's like... Anthony saw that shit coming from a mile away. Yeah, man, I shouldn't have said trust me. All right, yeah, we'll take the scam. Basically, whenever you'd like me to scam someone for you, just clap your hands together and say, scam, please.

And I'll call you and we'll work it out. Okay, that seems handy. But you just get this one. All right, scam, do you have any advice for budding scammers out there? Yes. A, B, C. Always be scamming. You know I fucking love an ABC joke. You know I fucking love it. Oh, man.

Put that potion down. Potions for closers. We're just in the entire scene, but it's just Scam Lightly and a group of scams. Potions for closers. It just cuts into scam school and he's just like, these leads are weak. Third place set of Mithril Steel. Let's get out of here, guys. This guy sucks.

We'll see you later. See ya. This was a pleasure. I had a great time. I had a great time. I actually had a good time, guys. Thank you. Thank you.

Ron, I'm sorry about your pants. How are you doing, buddy? You know, this is a new side of me, and maybe the world isn't ready to see it, but I'm ready to feel it and experience it, and I'm just sort of stepping into this new chapter and leaving a couple of legs behind. I love it. Pant legs, that is. I love the idea that Ron has like, you know, like how sometimes like people will wear like

weight belts to work out and like over time. Yeah, Ron's legs must be shredding. It's just like the most defined fucking quads that you've ever seen. Like they're just fucking chiseled. It's like a fucking statue if you're ever not uh having those holographic pants on and you flex your quads i'll give you a advantage on intimidation rules yes are they really buff or is it like when you take a cast off and they're just sweaty i mean they're not exclusive they're vascular as shit you know

they're just veiny ass, like fucking chiseled, grinding white. Yeah. You can just see all the veins. Yeah. You have to get dark vision. The legs are out. It looks like a 3D hologram.

You can see veins are like six inches deep. And oh man. Well, we've still got some money. We've got a scam in our pocket, an adventure in our heart and four sons, five sons. Forgot about not my favorite there.

Tell us. Somewhere a lark or sparrow is taking psychic damage. To rescue. So I think we should be on our merry way, gentlemen. So what happened, Clem? What happened with the why can't we go back to the mercenaries?aries oh they know who we are back in neverwinter man we gotta go to some i guess slightly yeah i guess slightly less good mercenaries well that's good

because we can't afford the really nice ones but payton says uh they don't know me oh hell yeah that's true that's true ron you were gonna dress up as payton anyways i was yeah wait wait so pay then are you proposing that we park outside of Neverwinter, send you in, and you negotiate an army for us? I mean, I don't know a lot about negotiation, but I could just give them the two jewels and be like, I want this many people.

I mean, you want me to do a transaction. I'm not a convincing type of guy. You know what? And I could turn into a little animal and go on Payton's shoulder. And that way he couldn't get in trouble. That would make me feel more comfortable. And then you could disguise yourself again.

And Ron could be real stealthy. And Daryl could stay by the car. Yeah. Let's get a car, Ryan. I'm listening to some music. I'm just going to stay by the car, man. I've had a little too much adventure for like one afternoon. I'm going to have to just like take the edge off a little bit with a little bit of Indica sativa.

You know what I'm saying? Okay. Here's what we'll do. I'll turn into a majestic flying falcon. And if Payton gets in trouble, I can swoop down and grab him and fly out of the city. Or he should be on his shoulders

so it's intimidating. Payton, you can be like... Ooh, that's cool. Like a beast master. Oh, you know what? I'll just be your bear. I'll just be like a big ass bear and then you can ride out of the city on me.

That's very cool. You should put an eyepatch on. Somebody give me an eyepatch. Somebody give me something to make an eyepatch out of. I'll make an eyepatch. Wait, guys. They know Ron Stampler the Pants Man, but do they know Ron Stampler no pants?

It might be pretty hard. If you don't wear those hologram pants, I don't know if anybody can look at anything but your legs. You know what? There was a crew of bank robbers, true story, in the 1930s that robbed banks

with their dicks out. Really? And they never got caught because people were just staring at their dicks. No way. We need the biopic. The biodick.

How's that not an HBO show at this point? We need the biodick pic. Okay, how do you want to play this? How do you guys want to play this? Are we taking our dicks out? What do we do? No, Peyton. No, Peyton. Put your pants back on. I'll do it. I'll do it. No, how do you want to play this? Are we taking our dicks out? No, Peyton.

No, Peyton. Put your pants back on. I'll do it. I'll do it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm a confident man. You're going to eye patch. You look pretty badass. I'm going to turn into a bear, and you can be like the boy bear king of the forest, and

you're looking to, you know, you're going to hire an army. You got that cool belt? No, I do. I am going to deactivate my holographic pants where I'm still wearing the belt. They're just not pants right now. Whoa, my eyes. Yeah, that's right, buddy. So many things happening.

Take a good look at those legs there. Wait a second, though. Once we leave, are the mercenaries going to try to turn us in once they find out it's us? No, mercenaries just don't care who their job is for. They're not the police. If they're getting more money for not turning us in. Yeah, just up the rate a little bit.

That makes sense. That makes sense. All right, let's do it. This sounds like a plan. This is Peyton's army. They can't be mad that Peyton happens to also work with people that they don't like.

They're his mercenaries. That sounds good to me. You're in charge. It's the Peytons all over again. Remember that? Oh, God. Yeah. A board leader.

That's who I am. Oh, my God. All right. I turn into a bear.. Yeah. A board leader. That's who I am. Oh, my God. All right. I turn into a bear. All right. Payton crawls on your back. Is anybody else, or is it just- I'm going. Ron with no pants?

Ron, you're going to- Yeah. I mean, you still look like you. Not with these legs, bucko. Okay, so the second you breach the town, you're going to have to roll something, something, to not be immediately recognized and fallen upon as Ron sampler intimidation,

I guess, or like, okay, here's the question. Is it stealth? Yeah. Are you just trying to sneak by with your shiny legs? I feel like the legs are disavowable,

but it's stealth in plain sight. What? It's the reverse of hiding in his pants is he's hiding behind his own legs. Yeah. Fucking love. Everyone just sees hiding behind his own legs. Yeah. Fucking Lovecraftian. Everyone just sees a cool pair of legs walking around. I do an exorcist back bend.

Oh. Oh no, this is so much worse. Yeah, go ahead and roll stealth with that. That's the worst thing I've heard. Ooh. A creep fail. Oh no. A natural one.

So you walk through the gate. How close are you to, you guys got to pretend like you don't know Ron. Yeah. Or just look the other way while Ron runs back to the van. You know, I like literally like lean back and then make a, ow.

Yeah, that's like, so you're walking into Neverwinter and you attempt to do a backbend, but there is a sickening crack as you do it and you find that you suddenly cannot move you make some sort of noise of pain a couple of blue coats at the gate just trying to go wait it's right it's the pants one it's ron get him get him and uh a half dozen blue coats come out and just fucking tackle you to the ground. Wait, wait, wait. I roar at them. Oh, shit. Okay, roll intimidation. Okay.

And then I'm hoping, paying hips to what I'm doing, we're going to pretend that Ron is our prisoner and we're bringing him back for the bounty. Oh, that's cool. That's good. That's some Star Wars shit. TK421, why aren't you at your post?

Will just did a fucking perfect impression of the shrug that he does. I got a 16 intimidation. Do I get, like, an advantage because I'm in bear form or anything? Yeah, go ahead and roll again. Okay, I got a 16. So 16's good enough, and they all stop and go, whoa, and they hold back and they go, what the fuck? And Peyton goes, look, this is my bounty.

Ain't nobody collecting the gold on them other than me. That happened. I, Payton, just burped. Because I ate the other four dads. Three dads. I ate the other three. This one seemed like

I didn't want to put those legs down my throat. Please don't burp on me, Peyton, sir. The blue coats are immediately like, actually, I guess I'll have Peyton roll deception. This is insane. Okay. This was the stupidest plan of all time.

I rolled a natural one. And they immediately just fucking fall upon all three of you. I turn back into a human and I go, Daryl, save us! Let's get out. I think we got it. I accelerate the car and I drive towards the floor. You floor it and we're going to try and like...

And then they hit a jump that flies straight over the moat into Neverwinter. And then the podcast freeze frames and banjo music starts playing. And the Dukes of Hazzard guy goes, them dads were in a whole heap of trouble. I want Prisoner of Azkaban. Daniel Radcliffe flying towards the camera on a blue, on a blue freeze frame. Yes, it's a freeze frame of the Honda Odyssey with Glenn and Daryl both like. I'm holding my axe out the window. And Glenn, what do you have?

I'm swinging my nunchucks. Yeah, we go. We're coming, boys. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is a song called All Right by Maxton Waller.

Additional recording this week by Sage GC and the fine folks at 20 Sided Stories. They're another improvised comedy podcast that tell arcs in familiar worlds and genres in 16 episodes or less, which puts them in the coveted manageable listens category of podcasts. They just finished an arc in the Pokemon universe. They're about to tackle the Marvel universe.

You can find them on podcast apps everywhere. And at 20, that's two zero sided stories.com. Thank you also to our Patreon elite tier members, the on-call daddies who ran a one shot with Anthony and contributed an item to the campaign. They're not the only patreon supporters we got we got fine folks like kaida valastar marley m michael hicks eternal tofu probably not the real name and fernando raigoza those folks too support us on the patreon thank you to all of our patreon supporters for making this show possible

you can join the ranks at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads we got all kinds of cool stuff there for you to peruse we just finished a three-part prequel campaign called at the mountains of dadness featuring the grandparents of the dads you know and love i clocked in at about five hours of more role-playing madness in the call of cthulhu system that entire campaign is available to every patreon supporter at any level so if you're thirsting for more content head to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads looking to support the podcast in other ways well you can check out some of our great enamel pins in our merch store and you can see that at ron.business an actual url that will work when you put it in your actual web browsers we're dungeons and dads on twitter

bit.ly slash dungeon dads for that private Facebook group r slash dungeons and daddies for the subreddit and dungeonsanddaddies.com for our main website next full episode will be out January 7th as two weeks from now we're gonna be right around Christmas times and everyone's going out their separate ways for the holidays thanks so much for listening and we'll see everybody next year there was a time when you could read between the lines You know they never brought you down Never brought you down Oh, here's a question.

Entangle. Can I cast it, like, underground? No, you have to see what you're casting it at. From a point within. It just says, point of order, it does just say from a... So under components, does it say V? There's like a list. Yes, it does.

That means visual. It means you'd be looking at... Ha ha! Finally, the one thing I know about D&D rules has come into fruition. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices.

We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future.