Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 24 - The Sins of the Fathers

Episode Date: January 7, 2020

The dads plan to sneak into Neverwinter fails immediately, and so they must confront the terrible mistakes of their past.This episode contains profanity and drug/alcohol use.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Welcome to Neverwinter City, where the grass is green and the dads are pretty. Pretty much up a creek, that is. No one ever accused Henry Oak and Ron Stampler of having an overabundance of common sense, but this latest plot to sneak into town and hire a band of mercenaries had more leaps of logic than a J.J. Abrams movie. And sure enough, the second they got to the city gates, the whole harebrained caper went to hell in a handbasket.

That's what happens when you let orphaned fighter Peyton Bennett's do the talking. Now these dad boys are stuck tighter than a hair in a biscuit with the Blue Coat Brigade fixing to tame their hives. What's that? Why, it's Odyssey's son herself with Daryl Wilson at the wheel and Glenn Close riding shotgun. Whatever these two got cooking, bound to make old Sheriff Boreanaz madder than a wet hand.

Soup's on, boys! Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, occasionally a BDSM podcast, occasionally a Dungeons and Dragons podcast where we loosely play 5e. In case you were wondering, most people are... You're starting us off with a bang here, Freddie. I saw a thread. What's going on, man? People were like, what edition of D&D do they play? And the response was like, edition?

D&D? You know what? I want 100 people standing over their table when they're playing Dungeons and Dragons. See if they miss any rules. Every time my mom calls, she's like, sweetheart, what edition are you playing? Bethany, I love you, but you only get one reaction per turn. This is a D&D podcast about four dads from our world

flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. Fun dad fact for Glenn this week. Glenn just took a DNA test. Turns out they give that shit to the FBI. Glenn does not. Well done. It's jacked up. Did you know? So I took 23 and I found this one out the hard way. What

does that mean? You Googled it? i binged it fucking reddit slash til today i learned that my dna if you took 23 and me the cops have your dna so now the cops already have our dna but i'm saying no no no i'm saying like that information is shared those databases are now shared with the national databases. So I can't even do crimes anymore. However, wait. Each state has a different sort of policy on whether or not they can use that national DNA bank to get pregnant. We need to talk. Fred, do you think they're making babies with you?

No, I think they're just making it really difficult. Oh, sorry. Does Glenn think that? YouTube Laboratories is cloning the ultimate influencer glenn secretly believes that his dns hidden encoded in his dna is the secret to true rock and roll stardom which he possesses and he's like i can't let anyone get into some of this special juice it's like when jet lead wouldn't let them mocap him for matrix because he's like they're gonna to copy my ultimate martial arts moves.

He was like on top of deep fakes. He was ahead of that. To be fair, it's totally true. If I could have seen his moves, I could have definitely just replicated. What are you thinking, buddy? I'm going to go first. Alright, power move. I'm in a good mood.

Everybody step back. I'm in a good mood. It's been a few months. Hey, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron. The future is female. Sorry. I literally interrupted you to say that. Interrupting a woman to say the future is female. I love it.

I'm sorry. Whenever somebody interrupts me to say the future is female, I'm like, no, you go ahead. Tell me. Hey, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, a man. And also an emotionally detached stepfather and a rogue, sort of.

Everybody's like, what? He's not a rogue. You're not playing the fake game correctly, Bethany. Me? Oh, yeah. We are so salty tonight. Okay, so fun dad fact about Ron. Ron has attached earlobes. Okay. This is, okay, so like fun. Everyone's fan art now has to change.

Yeah, like canonically, Ron has. Huey and Cat are like, fuck! Attached, attached earlobes. So like you either have detached or attached earlobes. So like you either have detached or attached earlobes and it sounds really dramatic and horrible but it's literally just like Anthony I can tell that you have. He's attached. Yeah he's attached. Yeah mine are attached.

I can tell that you're all circumcised. Anthony's earlobes are fully intact. Okay but like I overheard this couple clearly on their first date at Tanner's coffee shop. And the guy was like, Oh, you have detached earlobes. And she like, she didn't get it. And so he was like mansplaining your low, but attachedness, I mean, she didn't get it. And he explained it.

Is that really, I mean, careful, Matt. No, like she was literally like. Do you want to explain what mansplaining is to Beth? Was that? No, she was. She was just literally like, I don't understand. Maybe she just didn't understand why he was bringing it up on a date. Anyway, canonically, yes. That's some serial killer shit to bring up on a date. I've looked very closely at your ears.

And I was just like getting a smoothie or something. And I just hear like, so your earlobes are detached and she's like wait what do you mean what do you mean it means we're not going out like everybody like see look look you and she's like I can't see my earlobes well why don't you go just to change up all right let's mix it up I play

Henry Oak hippie druid rocking Birkenstock rocking crunchy munchy hippie nature druid dad got that a littlestock, rocking, crunchy, munchy, hippie, nature druid dad. Got that a little wrong. Okay, we're going to power through it. I'm a little nervous today because I, for Henry's dad fact, am going to reveal who he was going to say was the

favorite. I knew you were going to do it once you said it was heavy. Oh my gosh. So the reason he could not bring himself to say it is because this is one of Henry's greatest shames is that his favorite child is Beanie, his original parrot. Oh my gosh. Henry had

a... Before he... Before they had the kids. Parrots live a long time. Before they had the kids. Before... My ex-boyfriend has a parrot that is his older brother. Like a macaw. It's serious shit. Yeah. So that's not a baby. Say that sentence again.

My brain cells just committed suicide out of self-preservation. So my ex-boyfriend, I said my ex-boyfriend has a parent that is his older brother. You did say those words in order. And that's why I dumped him for his older brother. That parent fucks like there's no tomorrow.

No, but like, okay, so my ex is like 30 something I'll just say that and then lower ends of 30s and the parrot of his family I forget his name but the parrot is 36 like older parrots can live to 50 years I just googled I did not know that

so Henry when he was on his own in his 20s he went through a really rough time and he bonded with his parrot. It was a wild parrot. Like one of those ones that like, you know, you'll be like, why the fuck are there parrots in this part of town? Like in New York or in San Francisco, they have them. He bonded with this injured parrot, nursed it back to health.

They were inseparable for years and years. He got married. They had kids. And one day. Which? Wait, wait, what? Him and the parrot? I thought this was going to be like a for sale baby shoes never worn everyone's giving me in tears

and then my i'm ruining it uh no when he got married to mercedes o garcia like he always it was like his buddy beanie it was like his best friend you know got him through thick and thin and when lark and sparrow were seven they were rough housing in the house like usual not paying attention. Oh, my God. And they knocked into Beanie's cage and Beanie got crushed and died. And Henry was furious, but has vowed to never get angry at his kids. And he was heartbroken and ashamed of himself, both as a father for not having better control

of his kids and ashamed of a, you know, devastated about the loss of his best friend. He's really bitten down on those emotions, but he like Beanie has always had this special place in his heart and he's horrified by that. He feels so guilty and awful about it, but it's like kind of deep down. He still knows that it's true and he doesn't really feel like he can talk to

anybody about it for sale. Crackers, dead bird. So that's, uh, so that was what he was trying not to say in that scene. Well, it makes me feel better as the only parent here. I can tell you it's not weird to love animals more than your kid. I did. I were not that weird.

I did notice that you still have Plato as your Instagram photo and not your adorable baby daughter. Well, that's because Matt's already reserved all the sick awesome like og handles for his daughter already he's not gonna anyway yeah no i'll keep uh my daughter private from the internet you'll keep your cat private no yeah um all right uh hi my name is matt arnold i play daryl wilson a stay-at-home coach dad who's a barbarian i don't know quite when this episode's coming out but i figured i would say that every year every new year daryl makes his whole family do new year's resolutions at the breakfast uh table and he always picks the same resolution which is he's gonna surprise them every morning and that's it and he tries to they fucking hate

it every time but that's yeah yeah he every morning. Wait, like what's a surprise? Like how? I have follow-up questions. What's like a typical Daryl surprise? And then how long into the year does he get before it peters out? He peters out very, very quickly because they get mad at him. And usually the surprise is he'll wake up Grant like in the morning, like surprise. I didn't think that far ahead of what the surprises were.

Don't worry about it. But do you understand how hard it is to do a mystery box type show. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe next week you'll find out what the surprises are, Will. Fair enough.

Anyways, we have one real dad here which is Anthony. Hello, dad. Hi. It's me, Anthony, your dad. Hi, dad. Hi, dad. Hi, dad.

My dad fact is I was looking, I saw a tweet that said if you're a speaker and you're one of those people who says like, good morning, oh, come on,

we could do better than that. Good morning. I immediately hit you. And I realized all four dads in this show are different shades of that person. Yeah. Oh, Glenn has definitely done that. I can't hear you at a Christmas benefit concert in a mall. Yeah.

I feel like Daryl would definitely be like, good morning. Is that all you guys got? Come on. Give it again. Good morning. Henry, say it so loud the whole earth can hear you. And then Ron would be like, I don't know what to say next, so I will just repeat.

Can you say it again? Sorry, what was that? What? So last episode, you went off to try to reclaim the jewels that had been stolen from you by Scam Likely. You went to Scam Likely's riddle dungeon. So you have three jewels remaining. You successfully solved all of Scam Likely's riddles and either refused to do or successfully did all of his truths or dares. You then decided to send in Payden riding Henry, who is in bear form.

Oh, God, this one tits up real bad maybe the stupidest decision we've ever made as a group because we were riding high off the other thing like yeah we're gonna just walk back in and get the stuff and immediately uh everybody's listening to daryl that's all i'm saying shit yeah all your persuasion rolls failed and the blue coats of neverwinter immediately noticed ron and then payden tried to cover for it by saying he was bringing him in like Chewie in Star Wars, like I'm taking him to detention center, whatever the fuck. Cell block AA-23?

Thank you. TK-421, that's the one I was remembering. I almost said 420, I was like, that's TK-420. Why aren't you at your post? I'll tell you why. Because you're getting blazed in your Stormtrooper outfit. TK-420 is a420s i got a bong that looks like a lightsaber me and yoda are smoking kush on dagobah oh boy i got so much weed in me these look like there's two suns on this planet

um moss heisley casino casino heisley i like casino better just ripping them in cloud city baby every star wars location is weed slang um oh boy so this uh yeah every star wars location is weed slang freddy all right just smoked Yo, bro, you wanna head out back? We get blades in a place called the Sarlacc Pit. Are we still summarizing what happened last episode? Yo, Boba Fett's been in there for so long, bro. Okay, so who's gonna edit

the podcast now that Freddie's fired? So Ron and Henry and Peyton have basically been attacked and like tackled by the blue coats of Neverwinter. And I'm presuming that the remainder of you were like watching this happen. If I remember correctly, the two of you then did a Dukes of Hazzard. Oh, right, right, right.

Yeah, we ended on a freeze frame, I believe. Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Yeah, which in audio form is just silence. The audio form is just silence. So you basically land right before this big mass of bluecoats that are just on top of Payton and the bear and the Ron, just basically hitting them with truncheons and stuff like that. Like, they failed so bad.

We're not even, if we want to do a proper, like, initiative combat shit, we can, but I'm basically treating them as one massive mob of angry. One Looney Tunes cartoon cloud of dust with feet and fists coming out of it. Exclamation points coming out and like little like asterisks and shit. So are the bluecoats like people we've met like when we first got there? They are the cops of Neverwinter. You saw them the last time you were here as well.

Boreanaz is their leader. Oh, wow. Daryl, hit the high beams and like hit the windshield wipers and like blow the horn and we can bluff them. Yeah, yeah yeah i was gonna i was gonna make it like a beast okay so then i will indeed roll for a drift i'm gonna try to spin 180 so the back wheels are pointing straight at everybody okay so roll your your car skill that we sort of homebrewed in yeah i have a and well we're gonna use my animal handling because it is

right there's a 18 plus four is my animal hand wow okay so describe what happens i land and i feel like it's slick mud like kind of wet and i spin in fact i don't spin 180 i spend 540 so i do a full 360 and then spin one more 180 to go backwards and then the moment i love that you had enough like discretion to be like i can't do the 900 that's tony hawk move. I'll do the 540. Me and my boy Bucky LASIK here. And yes, the first time the headlights point at them, I flash the headlights in the high beam and me and Glenn scream animal noises.

Glenn, just sound like you. You have a horn. You have a horn that makes your car scream. I hit the horn and I scream and then when I go backwards, I rev the engine. I start spraying dirt at them and I open up the back and I start screaming. It's like this beast will consume you if you don't let go of my friend and then in the back

I'm holding the Honda vac system, which allows you to vacuum in the back and I have it on. So it's just like snaky looking tube going like okay. I can only handle this creature for so long. All right, so I've never winter. You got to chill. You've angered the beast.

Lest you incur its wrath. You all got to chill. Okay, so one of the two of you roll intimidation with advantage because you drifted so good. I've got a question really quick. Yeah, what's up? What does the Honda Odyssey's horn canonically sound like? I'm turning into Freddie and Anthony where I say canonically every other word.

I've tried to say it less okay freddie you probably know better it just sounds like a horn i figured like daryl had like beasted it out oh yeah hold on wait daryl has daryl installed an aftermarket horn have the boys at pet boys hook daryl up with a sick aftermarket horn also does the minivan have truck nuts absolutely not daryl would hey truck nuts okay my prius has truck nuts okay so that's gonna be my other prius is truck nuts you know what sucks about the cyber truck is how can you get truck nuts on that are you kidding the cyber truck would make truck nuts look so fucking cool and dope it wouldn't even be funny

the truck notes would probably have like Cylon eyes on them. The truck nuts are driving it. Oh. Bazing. All right, I got 15. So with a 15, the horde of bluecoats looks up and for a second, stop pummeling your friends. They sort of pause a little bit freaked out and they're looking at each other like not quite sure what to do.

And I go, oh, seriously, I can't control this thing. And I back up and started again and then back up. I keep backing up towards them and then like revving the engine and pulling forward and back. And be like, seriously, if I let go of this thing, it's just going to,

it's just going to come right at you guys. And then, and then Glenn, for his part is doing that thing with a vacuum cleaner. When you like put your hand on it and like sucks your hand up. He's like, Whoa, Whoa.

While they're doing this, Henry is going to D bear and try to commune with Ron and Peyton to try to slip away while everyone is distracted. Okay. Peyton, Ron, let's get out of here. Let's give them the slip and we can just maybe sneak back to the van. Well, okay. What if we put the holographic pants on you as a bear? What would that accomplish?

What would we try to do? You lost me. on you as a bear. What would that accomplish? What are we trying to do? Instead of three people, we look like just a big pair of pants. But you wouldn't be wearing the

pants. We would still look like three people. Oh, no, I see what Ron's saying. It's like, I'll put it around my head like a headband, and then you guys jump onto my legs, and then I'll run out of here. You know what? I can't argue with that. Yeah, no, that makes perfect sense. Why would... Hey, guys, can we just run in here?

If you try to run in there, you're basically still flanked by all these dudes and they'll all take opportunity attacks on you. Well, maybe we should just run in opposite directions. Maybe we should... I cast about to see if there's any handy places we could duck into to hide. Oh, yeah. Neverwind is a really big town, so there's all kinds of alleys and little shops and stuff.

Let's slip into that alley, and then we can double back and try to get back inside the van. Okay. So somebody roll stealth. That feels like a Ron roll. Okay. Oh, wait. What if we do the pants thing, and then we can all use Ron's stealth? Yeah.

Wait. We do the pants thing, and then we go into one of the shops, and we're like, oh, a big pair of pants on sale. Is there a big and tall shop nearby? Okay. Yes. Ye big with an E. Yes. And T-A-L-L-E.

And it's only for Goliaths and Giants and like. And they sell big dog shirts, too. They do. All right. In that case, I'm still in bear form. I crawl onto you, and I hand you the belt with the holographic paint. Here's how I figure this is going.

Ron ties the belt around my head and then Ron is tugging on my fur like a reverse ratatouille to direct the stealthiness. That's just a person riding an animal. That happens all the time. It's a reverse ratatouille. Every single Western ever made

is full of reverse ratatouilles. Will goes to the farmer and is like, look at all these of reverse ratatouille. Will goes to the farm and he's like, look at all these fucking reverse ratatouilles. I didn't know they had reverse ratatouilles in the Renaissance. Chong Ling was one of the best reverse ratatouille writers. Probably my favorite reverse ratatouille movie other than ratatouille is Seabiscuit. Okay, okay.

I'm rolling. I'm amazed Pixar let them get away with it. I am going to the IMDb page for Seabiscuit and leaving a review, a one-star review, just saying that this is just a reverse Ratatouille. of you just saying that this is just a reverse Ratatouille. Guys, okay. Guys, I am rolling reverse Ratatouille right now. Okay, go ahead. Roll stealth, yeah. I got a four, but plus eight

is still not great. A twelve, yeah. Twelve's not gonna do it. So basically, they don't see the reverse Ratatouille. They just see a massive pair of pants try to sneak away stealthily from the mass of 30 cops. And they all just go, oh my God, they turned into one big pair of pants.

Get them. And they just start chasing you. So we're all running as one big pair of pants down the street now? Yeah. As far as I can tell, yeah. Not towards us? Away from us?

Yes, away from you. Why are you guys running away from us? The crowd of goons is between us and you. So is there anyone left with us? Away from us? Yes, away from you. Why are you guys running away from us? I mean, where are you running? The crowd of goons is between us and you. So is there anyone left with us? What? So is there anybody watching us? Does Glenn just sit here just diddling around with a vacuum cleaner and then everyone leaves? I feel like you guys should chase after us and we can try to pilot the pants back around to you.

Yeah, I think that you scared those guys so much that you made them want to get away from you anyway. And now that they see there's a large pair of pants to go chase, they're like, sure, I can chase after these guys and pretend that it's for that and not because I'm scared of the big beast. Any port in a storm. Should we break up? I mean, not like emotionally or relationship-wise.

I think we should see other dads. Should we like become other things other than this big pair of pants? Like, hey, Peyton, you could go that way and I could go some way and I could go some way. I don't want to split up. This is a big city. I'd be scared to split up. Well, if you guys like stay here and then I can go get away

would be... I look at Glenn and I'm like, Glenn, you've seen Fast and Furious 7, right? Oh, yeah. You've seen 2012? Oh, yeah. Disaster. You've seen every movie with a cargo plane, right? Every movie with a cargo plane. You don't understand what I'm saying. You don't understand how this a cargo plane, right? Every movie with a cargo plane. You understand what I'm saying?

You understand how this is going to work? I peel out and I start driving towards them. Oh, God. Are you driving backwards because you got the trunk open? No, I'm going to get in front of you guys like a cargo plane, and you guys will just climb up inside. Okay. This car is faster than you, so I'm going to get in front of you.

Okay, so if we position the belt of the holographic pants in a perfect position to be clipped by the mirror of the Honda Odyssey will be thrust into the trunk of the van. What does the pants have to do with the van, though? here talking about movies with big cargo planes i ron was thinking about one of the batman movies where they talk about like flying and being caught in midair and um that was called sky hook in one of the batman movies but if it's belt loop never mind i think we should go in terms of timeline i think like as ron was trying to explain that uh Daryl is just driving full speed in reverse at them. Okay, okay. So the plan is-

Okay, all right. So then as Ron's talking and Daryl's doing that, Henry's gonna look back and see the maw of the van approaching them. Okay, so the van is approaching you with its trunk open and six or so of the blue coats like turn back and they see the beast coming out with his big open mind and they try to scatter and a couple of them don't

and sort of like end up sort of jumping directly into the van with you. They're just in the van with you and they're like and they start to freak out but then they sort of realize like oh nothing's nothing's happening. Like this is fine. You're just saying there's guys in the van with us. Yeah, they're now blue coats in the van with you.

How many? Six. Six in the van. Okay? Yeah, there are now blue coats in the van with you. How many? Six. Six in the van? Van? Okay, all right. Okay, let's look. We can walk out. We can walk out to our office here.

You're not going to get six grown adults. I think they get a disadvantage because they're all probably like laying on the floor and stuff. Yeah, they're not like fighting fit. They're all like smushed together and on the floor and confused and only are just now realizing like, oh, we're not getting digested. I put the vacuum cleaner on their skin. Like that one.

That guy's freaking out. That guy's losing his shoes. All right. Henry's going to yell. Hang on, guys, and jump into the van. OK, cool. Roll acrobatics. Do I roll a bear's acrobatics?

I think you get different stats as a bear. So, yeah. yeah okay i don't know what those stats are you're gonna winnie the pooh this van to be fair bears can ride on little tricycles if you're going to jump into the back of the van you're gonna that's good you'll smush the whole thing go ahead and roll i'm looking at his stats right now i'll tell you if it works or not i got a 17 okay 17 will do it all right so you leap on top of this mass of dudes that are inside the van. So it's a fucking full house in this van.

Like, it's just, it's packed wall to wall with people. These guys have all seen Batman. So they're basically freaking out, and you're on top of them, and so they just start taking out their, like, swords, and they just start trying to stab at you. Yeah, but, like, they certainly couldn't, right? Yeah, yeah, that's fair.

I feel like you're airtight. Yeah, no, they're just trying to hit you with their fucking hands and it's doing yeah i mean they are hitting you but it's doing almost nothing because there's no leverage for them to get like a good blow at you but like so you hear one of the blue coats saying like in the in the name of sheriff borianis you are under arrest by the blue coats of neverwinter you must report to the blue coat headquarters at once i don't think so buddy and i but we got we're still here for mercenaries, right? I spin 180 and I start driving out of the town.

Does anybody want to stop him? Okay, I can't talk because I'm a bear. You can de-transform whenever you want to, I guess. But I'm kind of sitting on top of the six guys. If you do that, then they'll be able to stop you. I guess I just talked with Ron, but we're going to just say that that's like a Ron thing. It's a Ron thing.

You wouldn't understand. I just feel like we should get out of this situation right now. Henry's making bear noises from the back. He thinks this is a bad idea. Just paw him out, man. Shove these losers out, dude. Daryl, can you open a window? I'm not saying that anybody tooted or anything but um there's a all right everybody

calm down i'm driving out of here we'll talk about this when we're done i'm not saying it was your fault but you guys all walked in there and now i'm gonna bring us out of the situation we can figure out what to do so the blue coat that was yelling armrest so the blue coat that was yelling at you is like you you guys are asshole you you came to our town and you killed like 200 people with your fucking pyramid. You guys are dicks. You guys are the worst. You should come back here to face justice. Young man, you watch your language in this car.

I'm a grown man. Yeah, you're not sounding like one right now, are you? Henry D. Bears. Okay. So if you D. Bear, then immediately, like two of them you were keeping in just by friction, so they just sort of fall out the back and tumble down out of the van. So now there are four blue coats left, and they immediately draw these little daggers and everybody should we should just call for us to hang on and buckle our seatbelts and then whip a 180 and just fling them out payton and ron are

in the back with payton's not got a seatbelt and now freaking henry just deep barretts and those guys was they're right we need to atone for what we've done to this town oh my god i just keep driving i'm like henry you know that would have been a good thing to say like uh I just want to know if anybody dies right now it's on you buddy uh good job debaring dude get up front Payton I can't I can't move there's this guy in my

foot and he's got a knife to Henry and I'm worried can we turn on the radio uh no Ron can you help Payton out yeah sir where Payton where are you? Right here. And Peyton's right next to you, and there's just a guy. Basically, one of the bluecoats, like, sees that there are enough knives on Henry,

and he turns around and just puts a knife to Peyton's throat because he sees that for some reason you seem to care about this kid. So there's a guy holding a knife to Peyton now. Daryl, we need an army to rescue our sons. We can't run away from this. I slam on the brakes. Ooh, Henry's accidentally stabbed. There's a lot of people with knives to their throats in the back here.

Yeah. Well, fine. What way is he facing? I just want to try to slap the knife away like a kid in the backseat of a car. Okay. So Peyton with the knife to him, they're up against the side of it. The knife is sort of parallel to the direction that the thing is moving. So if you stop, it's going to slide against his neck.

Okay, well, then I won't stop. So if you want to slap his... You could come to a gentle stop. Yeah, you stop, it's going to slide against his neck. Okay, well then I won't stop. So if, yeah. You could come to a gentle stop. Yeah, you could just slow down like normally. But if you want to try to slap away, go ahead and roll dexterity against me. Eight. Okay, I got a 10.

So you try to like wrench it out of the guy's way and he goes, no, no, this is bullshit. I've lost brothers trying to go into that fucking pyramid and kill the mummy that's there and and you guys are not just going to get away you're going but you're you gotta go back and face justice i'm not touching you you can't get mad i'm not touching you you can't get mad sir i'm gonna pull this van over and we'll talk about but you take that knife from that boy's throat he had nothing to do with this are you saying you're the type of person who's gonna

kill a young boy for no reason you put that knife down we'll sit down we'll talk about this like many you put it down are you telling the truth or are you bluffing no i'm telling the truth i'm gonna stop the van okay then roll persuasion 19 plus whoa minus 118 that is fine you get dad advantage because it's an i'm gonna pull the front seat well no but it's also this isn't i'm gonna pull this car over automatic advantage that's an automatic advantage for dads don't make me pull this car you say That's an automatic advantage. That's an automatic advantage for dads. Don't make me pull this car. They say this kind of like do make me pull this car over. Okay. So the blue coat narrows his eyes at you and he goes like,

unlike you guys, I'm not a murderer. And he sheaves his dagger and then like pats Peyton on the shoulders in a kind of condescending way. And he goes, now stop the car. Like you said, we're out of the town at this point. Yeah. You're basically, you went over the drawbridge, said.

We're out of the town at this point. Yeah, you're basically, you went over the drawbridge, which is still down, and you're like, you know, if you turned around, it would take 45 seconds to go back to the fucking... Okay, I pull over. Good thing we didn't start to raise the drawbridge so we hit a super cool jump on the way. A super cool jump or anything. A super cool jump that made the dagger go inside Peyton's neck when

you landed. Hey, did you say something about a mummy? Yeah, there's a mummy, allegedly, inside this big-ass pyramid that you, you, all of you dropped on my town. Well, thank God it's not a daddy. So one of the guys just jumps out of the van to his death. I pull the car over. Okay, cool. Everybody get out. He goes, no, I'm not getting out.

You want to talk inside this van? Let's walk outside. Everybody get out of the van. I get out of the van. I get out of the van and I open the side door. Everybody get out. Roll persuasion with disadvantage.

11. Okay, so 11 is not going to be good. Nobody goes, no, you're just going to drive. You're going to take this beast away. You're going to ride this beast away the second I get out of here. How am I going to take the beast away? You going to ride this beast away the second i get out of here no i'm going to take the beast away no what fine everybody else if this young man doesn't want to get out of the van everybody else can everybody else get out of van we'll talk to him in the van like he wants to be

talked to in the van i still have a sword pointed at my throat here so i hop out of the well you guys just stay in there with him until he puts well you know what daryl maybe i am going to stay in because maybe we need to be held accountable for our own actions no matter what the consequences and no matter what the context is and just because you've got other stuff going on doesn't mean that these people don't have a right to their anger at us and i know it wasn't our fault but sometimes horrible tragedies happen by accident and that's just a dark thing you have to live with maybe it's important that we take responsibility for our actions we killed we're already people with our actions we need to respect this town

and we need to come to some kind of resolution here. I put my hands over Peyton's ears. I go, hey, buddy, you're not going to hear this for a second. I go, hey, Henry, stop your woke bullshit for one moment. You almost killed Peyton here because you couldn't take handling your own guilt for two freaking seconds. You guys walked in there and almost got us all killed.

And I had to get a van, put you all in there, and you couldn't even put a seatbelt on, goddammit. I understand you want to fix things, but that's not a reason to get almost everybody killed. So if you could stop it for one second, we could figure out how to solve this thing. Now, can everybody please get out of the van so we can figure out how to solve everybody's problems. Thank you very much. And please, no more knives to this boy's young throat. Thank you.

And I release a pain. Did you hear any of that roll perception 18 plus 119 oh okay never mind then i was gonna say he like put his hands up and like blocked your hand so you thought you were covering them but you didn't while they're arguing i want to see if i can snatch the keys out of the ignition i mean i have them i would have definitely taken them with me when i stopped have definitely taken them. I assume he just has them. You want to take them from me? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Go ahead. I was screaming. I feel like she gets advantage. Yeah. Roll sleight of hand with advantage. Okay. It's just like a pair of pants. Just like

a hand comes out. I like literally rolled the same again. Okay. That's your superpower, I guess. Yeah, I did not. Okay. So you so you see the pair of pants and a hand coming out. Ron, do you want the keys? If you want the keys, just ask for the keys.

Can I have the keys, Daryl? What do you want them for? I want to turn on the car alarm so that everybody stops arguing. Okay, I understand. We don't need that. We'll just stop arguing right now. Okay, if we could all just talk without everybody trying to kill each other for one second, then we could probably figure this out.

So there are three blue coats remaining in the van. Two of them are holding knives at Henry, and one of them had a knife on Peyton, and he's since put it away. Yes. You don't really need that. What's your name, bud? He goes, my name is Dines Carlson.

Okay. That's a name submitted by, they submitted their own name, Dines Carlson. Dines. Dines. Dines. They say pronounce like penis, but with a D instead of a, Dinas Carlson. Dinas. Dinas. Dinas. They say pronounced like penis, but with a D instead of a P.

I like that. All right. And Carlson is pronounced like Carlson. Sir, as you can tell, there's five of us and three of you. None of us have our weapons out. One of us, the person that you have, can turn into a bear

if you could put your weapons down. Oh, so we're doing threats now. That's fine. No, yeah, yeah. It's not a threat. It's can we all talk about this instead of having weapons out right now? Well, no, because the weapons are the only leverage we have over you. You just said, as you pointed out, there's five of you and one yeah. It's not a threat. It's can we all talk about this instead of having weapons out right now? Well, no, because the weapons

are the only leverage we have over you. You just said, as you pointed out, there's five of you and one of you can turn into a bear. No, that's the point is that we don't have weapons now. We're not going to, we don't want to fight.

So can we talk about this right now? We can talk right now with the vibes out. What's going on? Let's go back and start to look. What do you want from us? We want you to go back to Neverwinter and face justice for what you did. Who's justice?

His name is David Boreanaz, and he is our boss. And if you had the audacity to drop a pyramid into our town, ruin our whole economic viability as a major hub of trade in this area, and then bounce, that's just rude. It's just rude. It's just rude. You need to go to rude it's just rude you need to go to prison for or you need to go inside and deal with the issue you need to get rid of something what are

the laws for like um for like big gladiator fights where you kill people now those are legal those are legal yeah okay so that's cool yeah they can send it to fight in those okay wait a second you're explaining to me that all those people were consenting to fight and die. I like a majority of them. Okay. Yeah. I nudged Daryl. Daryl. Yo.

You never talk to cops. We're not talking until we have our lawyer present. Oh, yeah. What are the lawyers like in Neverwinter? Like, are there charming, roguish sort of defense attorneys that might fall in love with us or anything like that? And do they say, I object a lot. And then do they get a talking to by the judge and do they have a twinkle in their eye? And are they like, kind of like Richard Gere or like maybe sometimes Matthew McConaughey? Yeah. What are the odds of us getting off here?

Lawyer. Yeah, we can provide you a us getting off here? Lawyer. Yeah, we can provide you a lawyer. We have lawyers. All those words you said, I didn't understand. Maybe 90% of them. Lawyer, Dinas. If you let me arrest you, then yeah, you'll get a lawyer. No, lawyer.

Gentlemen, I think that these people have a right to their anger at us. And I am not going to raise a hand to stop them. At least not right now. I don't know what seeking justice means. If you really think, Daryl, that we shouldn't get arrested by these people. Daryl, if you really think that we shouldn't seek any kind of atonement for killing 200 fucking people. If you really can live with that and you were going to murder three more people in this town because of your goddamn fucking superiority bullshit, then be my guest. Kill all three of them. Execute these men right now. You're strong enough. Go do it. Or if you, maybe there's a shred of a conscience within you and you feel like the fact that innocent people

died because of our actions and you want to face some goddamn accountability about that, maybe you could be a fucking man and we can fucking face consequences. We can face what we're doing. Maybe the fact that we're chasing our kids, maybe the fact that we're searching for five people doesn't excuse the fact that we committed an atrocity here. I put up my hands. I surrender, please. I would strongly suggest that we don't allow ourselves

to gently go into a law system. Glenn, have you ever been arrested? Doesn't seem like you have any desire to get picked up to go to court by a bunch of people who are okay with gladiator fights when we were trying to save our children surrender please so payton is looking up at daryl and he's like did you did you guys kill a bunch of people what happened when you were here while they were trying to kill us and i feel like this is a thing that's lost upon not just uh some of people in our group and maybe even the dm at times while we were

in the middle of a fight we threw magic beans down and a pyramid came out. And that seems to make some people think we should just be quote unquote men. That's a very toxic masculine thing to say there, Henry, by the way. I believe that it might be coming from an element of privilege that you think you can just walk into a law system and think it's very just.

I don't think that's the case. So Peyton, yes, here's what happened. You tell me what you think. You know, God always said the minds of children, right? Like lamb to Jesus. What about them? They're very pure. Oh, okay. And while we were getting attacked by these people, for no reason, because we were just going to a dungeon trying to save our kids,

and they had kidnapped our children, actually Henry's kids, we were in the middle of a fight. I threw some magic beans to help Henry out, and without knowing what they do, one of them turned into a pyramid, and it crushed the tower the torture tower by the way where we're being kept and then yes and they were also holding people against their will and we were coming here to hopefully bring mercenaries to then get rid of the monster in the tower now i can't help but think that maybe some people are being a little

judgmental because they have their own problems because i feel like that's a whole lot of shit that did not happen on purpose and we've done pretty much everything we could to help people out so no i'm not going to go hey henry if you want to go and turn yourself into this system that has orgies and murder as a punishment and when i find your kids i'll tell them hey their dad he was really self-righteous and right about it when we get there and finally save him oh my god okay so all right all right well let's let's cool let's everybody take a breath let's be cool let's be cool okay so my read of that is that you were in a really rowdy sitch and it got real bad and you did something kind of without thinking about it and a lot of got hurt. And it's not your fault that you did the rowdy thing without thinking about it.

But like, it's a bummer. Oh, yeah, absolutely. If you killed a bunch of people, that's a bummer. And like, I don't know. You guys are pretty good at beating ass. So like, I feel like if you went in and it wasn't a cool situation with the law and stuff, like, we could probably just leave. Yeah, I mean, like've we've had this bummer

situation uh as you said payton several times and we've beaten ass every time and here's the thing oh there's a lot of talk of toxic masculinity around and i think that's wonderful and i think the manliest thing that a man can do is get arrested because it's really manly and cool and when you're a criminal people are like like, that man is a criminal. And, yeah. Peyton's like, I would like to get some jailhouse, like, tats. Like, I've never spent time at the clink. Peyton, we're not going to let you.

You're not going to be. You're not involved in this. But I feel like I would get hard at the clink. Yeah. No, Peyton, you can come with it. Please come and rest with us, Peyton. I would start, like, lifting weights and stuff. Again, I think a very reasonable thing, which, you know, I'm not saying totally so,

but as the original thing was to honk and like, you know, call them down so we could talk to them. I think a very reasonable thing to do is to communicate and talk to them in a way to figure out how to best solve this situation without possibly being either instantly killed or arrested. Because Peyton, saying that we could beat ass,

I understand that, but I also would prefer not to have to beat ass because I will do anything to save my child. I understand that. But I also would prefer not to have to beat ass because I will do anything to save my child. I want to talk to them and see if we can find a way to resolve this. So Dinas says you mentioned you wanted to hire mercenaries. Well, any mercenaries have to have the approval of the local constable before they can actually do their work. Otherwise, they could be doing crimes and stuff like that. And the constable has to approve those things. So even if you did want to hire some mercenaries to do whatever kill

a monster whatever the hell you were saying you'd have to talk to borianas yeah so you might as well just talk to borianas yeah so all right so let's tell borianas to come out here and come out here and talk to us we're not going in so roll uh persuasion okay did the wrong room motherfucker a little thing called a bonaafide organic natural 20. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. So, Dinas talks to one of the other, the blue coats and says,

yeah, go back to town, get Boreanaz, bring him out here, bring as many guards as you want. And so... No, he comes alone. No, you can, I mean, yeah. I mean, if he, whatever makes him feel safe, come and talk to us.

I can tell him he comes alone, but there's no way he's going to do that. I don't know. He seemed kind of roguish and like, you know, anything. He's his own man. He solves his own problems, and he doesn't like feeling good or happy. But he always had a team around him

of roughly four to five other people. Yeah. Pretty cool. Quick downhill. Downhill. You have a whole downhill. I still have guys with knives to my turn. Yeah, you have two guys.

I'm not joining the dad huddle. They're not arranging. They're still using Henry's collateral. Okay, so we're going to do this, right? We need a dad huddle. We kind of need him. We'll actually put him back. You can just talk.

Just talk to him. Defeats the purpose of it. Are you guys dads? I was. Yeah. No, I already played that joke with Cern. No, we're not dads. Well, all right.

Just close your ears. So, we're not dads. Well, all right. Just close your ears. So, holding the knife with one hand, he plugs one of his ears with his other hand and tries to put his remaining ear on his shoulder. I plug the other guy's ears. I'm like, I'm sorry about this. Very helpful. Okay, first of all,

I'd like to start the dad hole by saying I'm sorry that I blew my stack. And you are absolutely right to call me out that saying that you should act like a man is a gendered and shitty way to phrase what I was trying to say which is that I think is important that we act like adults in this situation and I

could tell that I had gotten as the boys say when they're playing their video games a little tilted so I decided you know it was time to take a breather and let you guys talk and I'm very happy with how you guys handled the situation. So hey, man, we all get we all get heat. I go.

I look at the two guys like I'm just going to punch him in the shoulder. Is that is that cool? Don't like stab him or anything. Don't don't hit him that hard. I don't want to get blamed for like beating up a criminal. I appreciate it. I didn't mean to get heat either. And I go, it's it's it is, as they say, all good because you're right.

This is a wild town. And they were clearly up to a lot of bad stuff when we got here yeah and they were going to commit genocide i'm not in favor of throwing myself at the mercy of a system we know nothing about and i think you were i got very emotional and you're very right to point that out to me i'm going to be honest and say that i have not slept well thinking about the people that got crushed by the giant pyramid that we dropped i almost lost one of my boys in that pyramid, as you may recall. And I remember the fear in my heart as I was digging through that rubble to try to find him and the relief that I felt when I got him out. And then I thought about how many parents like CERN who did not get to have that when they

lost their loved ones in that pyramid. Whether what they were doing beforehand was evil or not that doesn't feel right to me and maybe it is selfish i think you're right that it is selfish and it does not take priority over saving our own children i do wish to unburden myself of that guilt however i can and i agree that i i will never sleep at night knowing what we did to cern but i just know that this town was literally going to commit genocide at any moment. So I just don't feel comfortable walking up to remember going up this tower and seeing a room full of people about to be executed. So like the net of that is there would have been dead anyway if we hadn't showed up. Henry, I'd just like to say, Henry, you're the best darn guy I know in this whole world. And if you go to prison, you're not going to be able to make this place better.

So I'm just saying the four of us, we need to stick together. We need to do everything we can to make this place a better place and hearing daryl say that henry's the best darn guy he knows uh henry reaches out and grabs daryl's sunglasses and puts them and says thank you daryl i appreciate that guys i'm kind of bored and i was wondering if i was wondering if i could just go find borianis okay so borianaz comes back with a... Hey, Ron, did you find him? Yeah, I found him. Boreanaz comes back flanked by a dozen bluecoats, and he looks significantly worse since the last

time you saw him. He's still hot, though. He's still hot, but in a, like, hungover detective kind of way. A SEAL Team 6 sort of way. A SEAL Team 6 sort of way. A sort of, like, latter seasons of Bones sort of way when he sort of didn't care so much and knew they were getting renewed no matter what kind of way. He basically just looks really tired.

You smell the alcohol before you even see him. Oh, no. His clothes are all raggedy and shit. He looks like he hasn't slept in a really long time. And he goes like, oh, look who it is. The daddies. Is he a little drunk? Yeah.

As far as you can tell, he's stumbling. He's just wearing a booze-scented cologne. And he goes like, look, you came back. Are you going to kill the rest of us? Are you going to help me summon the doodler for reals? Or like, what's the deal? I mean, one of those two things, just to clarify, wouldn't those two things be the same thing,

kill the rest of you or summon the doodler, whose purpose was to what? No, the purpose of the doodler you, or summon the doodler whose purpose was to what? No, the purpose of the doodler The purpose of the doodler We discovered a new Anthony voice was to change the world and remake it

and make everything better but instead you brought in a big pyramid with a thing inside that I thought maybe is the doodler Maybe a thing inside that I thought maybe is the doodler. Maybe the thing inside is the doodler

and we set people in and they didn't come back but it's not the doodler. It's just a mummy lord and so now no one wants to live here and I look like an asshole. Guys,

he's really drunk so maybe if we just sort of like snap our fingers and then do a little ta-da sound. I'm not drunk. You're drunk.

Don't tell me that I'm drunk. Fuck off. Okay, here's what I want. What do you want, David? I want you to clear out the pyramid. Buddy, that's what we were here for, buddy. What? Why else would we be here i talked

i know to benedict your cabbage patch you're talking right and he said that you were here to hire soldiers yeah to clear out the pyramid do we have any water in the car for oh yeah we absolutely have here's some water in a cliff bar so he goes i, I have water. And he like, sure it was a flask. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. I have water. David, honey, you need to sit down. Somebody roll persuasion. That's Henry there.

Somebody roll hold his hair back. I got a natural one. And he goes, no, you're right. I haven't hydrated in a while. And he uncorks the flask and goes,

oh, jeez. Clearly not water. He goes, oh, jeez. Clearly not while he goes, oh, so much better. What if we just hired a bunch of mercenaries and cleared it out for you? I mean, you know, I'm sure that you have had difficulty like levying taxes due to, you know,

your poor leadership. Yes, extremely that. But we got the solution right here. What really chaps my perfectly toned ass is that you didn't hang around to see what a bummer it was with the mummy what do you mean it's fine you said when we left you were like super happy with it yeah first of all i was not gonna be doing i just didn't remember i was not gonna be doing much standing around because i nutted myself pretty bad with my chucks and you kind of like left

glenn brought the receipts glenn knows exactly what happened no i remember you nutting yourself for that was good it was fun it was what made me convinced that the world had changed because basically apple juice started jizzing out of its pyramid that appeared randomly i my whole perception of the world changed in that one night but then it turns out the world is the same. Which way is the pyramid and the mummy? It's in the center of town. Okay.

Which way is that? Behind me. Okay. So, David, you're telling us if we clear out this place for you, and if we go in and do it, that we get the mercenaries, which we can use

to march on the castle. I will give you permission to hire them. We kill this mummy that's been cursing the town. You get the treasure inside, even. That was our plan. It was for you guys to have the treasure. We give you permission to hire. We kill this mummy that's been cursing the town. You get the treasure inside. Even that's what that was. Our plan was for you.

I love that plan. And then on, I would say one condition. I think David Boreanaz, you need to step down as ruler of never winter. I think David, David, David, why. David.

Why? Where has Drunk Anthony been my whole life? David, you know, you said you want the whole world to change. Yeah. Well, I'm asking you to start with the man in the mirror. I'm asking you to change your ways. David Boreanaz does not have a reflection. Is he a vampire?

No, wait, no. He's not a vampire. He is. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change. That's a little song called The Man in the Mirror by a man whose own lifestyle maybe doesn't sync up with it. But I think there's words of wisdom there.

And maybe you need to start playing. I'm clearly looking at the lyrics on Google right now. Maybe you should start by working on yourself and, you know, reforming the world within before you try to reform the world without, my friend. Yeah. I mean, honestly, that sounds great. I want to do like a sage wisdom roll for that. Yeah, go ahead.

What would that be? I feel like that's persuasion. That's persuasion, but it's true. How could it be persuasion if it's true? Because it's not deception. Well, that time I got a 16. Okay. I'm going to roll to see if I can get away from everybody

and start heading towards the pyramid. Okay, go ahead. I mean, are you trying to make a stealthy thing of it? No, I'm just going to walk away. You just walk away. Okay, cool. Oh, well, anyway, Ron's walking away. But guys, that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

So Boreanaz points at Ron. He's like, is somebody going to... Hey, Ron, where are you going? That's the weird one. Whatever. I'm going to talk to mommy. Ron, I don't think you should do that on your own. I'm going to see what's under wraps here.

Yeah, I'm going to head towards this pyramid. Anyway, see you later, guys. If you want to help, that's cool. That's why he was my favorite. So are we good to follow? I mean, Mr was my favorite. So are we good to follow? I mean, Mr. Pornhouse, are we good to follow? If you want me, if you want us to give you an escort into town, we will escort you to the pyramid.

And then once you come out holding the mummy's head. No, guys, the pyramid's this way. I'll escort you. We'll all go together so you don't run again in your horse, in your big white horse. It smells good. It does. Thank you.

What are we talking about? Go back to town. So I forget. Did you say you're going to not become leader after this? Yeah, I'll quit. Yeah. Okay. Sure.

Why not? I don't know if he's even going to remember this. So maybe we should have this conversation when he sobers up. Yeah. As far as you can tell right now, he believes it, but like, who knows? Is this going to get,

you know, blinked away in the hangover? Who knows? All right. Well, I guess let's, let's pack up. I go ahead and I grab

some water bottles for everybody. I'll carry Ron's and I get some cliff bars. I go, let's go after Ron there. Okay. All right.

So we go up to the pyramid, I guess. But how far, I mean, we have to chase after, like Ron, did you start running? Are you just ahead of us?

No, I think I'm just walking. Okay. I run to catch up with Ron. We all do a quick jog to catch up with Ron. So I've sent you an email. So on the outside of the pyramid, you see what I emailed you on some sort of tablet

that's been attached to the pyramid, but the tablet is clearly broken, and this is all you can see on the part that remains. And so to describe it for the people listening at home. I didn't get an email. Am I off the podcast? It may take a second to go because the internet is slow.

I'm off the podcast. I'm sorry, guys. So the- Oh yeah, this email says best off the podcast. Yeah, sorry. This is how I chose to tell you. So it's basically three lines. The first line has the letters E-N-G-E space O.

The second line has U-M. And the third line has H-E space R-I. Engi-O. Um. Hiri. Guys, it says, mm, bop, bop, boo-dop, doo, bop. And the entrance is a little bit dark, but you can just go in. There's no door stopping you from going in or whatever.

Hey, were we going to do mercenaries, or were we just going in solo, boys? Well, I think... Hey, David, can we... What? Can we have a bunch of mercenaries to go in with us? Please? Yeah, I mean, yeah, you could pay them for this, but then this would be the job,

and then you wouldn't be able to buy more mercenaries afterwards. Could we buy... I want one. I want 20 mercenaries, but each one from a different location, with a different accent. With a different accent. Different accent. Yeah.

Let me let me go. Let me go check with Benedict Cabbage. Oh, no, I'm sorry. We only have guys who sound exactly like I'm so sorry. If you wait for a week, I can get guys from all around with the Danish accents. And you see the bully walk now. Oh, shit.

That was Walter the immoral. I thought that was. Maybe he did. I can't remember. Yeah, he's not like that. Anyway, sorry. That was Walter the Immortal. I thought that was... Oh, maybe he did. I can't remember. Yeah, he sounded like that. Anyway, sorry. Three voices. I guess it would be good to save our money.

I haven't yet had an opportunity for you guys to meet. He's a Danish boy. Yes, please. What? That's so German, though. He's a Danish boy because you do this with the ish. Before we decide whether to go in with mercenaries, maybe this plaque intrigues me.

It seems like there's letters missing. It reminds me of like one of the little bits they would do in one of my favorite series of movies, The Mummy. And considering that this is like a mummy type situation, you know, in those movies, there'd be like a cryptic riddle or some kind of curse and you'd have to like unlock it. And, you know, I always remembered that the people who plowed in heedlessly without trying to decipher the message on the outside of the tomb usually met, like, a bad end. So behind you, Boreanaz goes, oh, right, right, right, right, right, I forgot a thing.

So, pretty much everybody who's come in hasn't come out, but there was one guy who said that, like, pretty much halfway in there were, like, sacred texts and that those are supposed to, like, help you like, unravel the mystery and figure out how to much halfway in there were like sacred texts and that those are supposed to like help you like unravel the mystery and figure out how to survive so there are some sacred texts you probably want to find i think i'll lead you to the mummy lord i continue as one of them did

we find one already with this thing on the s no i mean this is just i guess this is i don't know oh wait and you said that it's like a partial thing it's like things are missing from it yes clearly this was part of some sort of like tablet that like broke. Is it broken on both sides? Yes. On the edges. So you're looking at the middle of the thing. Revenge of the Sith.

The Sith. Is the best Star Wars. The best Star Wars. Yeah, that's crazy. It fits right in. Red rum. Surprise. This has all been a long game about how much I love Revenge of the Sith. Star Wars? The best Star Wars movie? Yeah, that's crazy. It fits right in. Red Rum? Surprise.

This has all been a long game about how much I love Revenge of the... Execute Order 66, Freddy. Yes! Revenge... Only a Dungeon Master deals in absolutes. Eng definitely is Revenge or something like that. Well, it wouldn't be Mum... Well, I guess we should go in.

I guess what I'm saying. Avenge Old Mummy. He rises. Ooh, old mummy. He rises. Ooh, he rises. She rises. She rises. Or the right. Are you going to go inside?

Oh, yeah, something to the right. Yeah, maybe. It does seem like, especially now that we're a little bit less cash heavy than we were when we started this misadventure, that maybe we should save the... I don't know. I'm getting kind of like a trap vibe from this place. Like, considering that a bunch of guys have gone in and haven't come out, I don't know. I'm getting kind of like a trap vibe from this place, like considering that a bunch of guys have gone in and haven't come out.

I don't know that we need to... So you're saying one person did come out? Yeah. Bring him to us. Okay, just a second. And so he brings back a small little Danish-looking boy. What's his name? What's his name?

His name, as submitted by Rachel Fenneman is Sexcalibur Horsepower Sexcalibur? Yes, that is my name Hi there, Daryl Wilson, that's the me You may call me Calibur for short Can you say that name again? Sexcalibur Horsepower

Do you have a nickname? Yes, it is Calibur Is it Sexy Horse? Mind if I call you Cal? Cal isxy Horse? Mind if I call you Cal? Cal is a wonderful nickname. Mind if I call you Sex? I would mind that very much. I would prefer not to be called Sexy Horse. Okay, well...

Could you just say Stroopwafel for me? Stroopwafel? Could you say I rode the bicycle by the canals and went to buy some Stroopwafel? I could. Glenn, is that why you brought him here? Hey, listen. I think Ron was going to ask a question. by the canals and went to buy some Stroopwafel? I could. Glenn, is that why you brought him here? Is that why you brought him here? Hey, listen.

I think Ron was going to ask a question. Yeah, could you just read what this should be? I do not know. I went in. I was an intern for the archaeologists at Venton, and they all died, and I just ran as fast as I could. So you said texts. Yes, there was some text inside

that seemed to have some letters missing, different than these. This thing on the outside, I just don as fast as I could. So you said texts. Yes, there were some texts inside that seemed to have some letters missing. Different than these. This thing on the outside, I just don't know. It seems to be the name of the pyramid, I guess. I don't know. Maybe the person that made it. I have no way of knowing. But inside, there were some traps.

There were traps. And the other side of the traps, there was the secret texts that seemed to be a lot of interest to the archaeologist's friend. But then they went forward, and they went into a very dark tunnel with a bridge. And then I heard screaming, and they disappeared. So maybe they just had a really good time. Sorry, what?

Maybe they just had a really good time. It's possible they are still there just enjoying themselves. Is there, like, tight space in there? No, actually, not at all. There's, like, puzzles and stuff? Uh, yeah. I was just thinking, have you guys ever done these escape rooms i know you know i've been wanting to do one but those company did one and it was fun but like there was like it was like a group of 10 and when it was done i couldn't help like all her friends i overheard friends talking they're like i think there's like one too many people in there you

know and i was thinking like you know it's like if you have too many people in an escape room it's not very fun like like you like i think life is an escape room am i right oh i i have an idea i mean we don't need mercenaries is my point maybe we could put the mercenaries like on retainer and hear me out we run a very long string with a tin can on either end and we bring it in with us and if we get into a dicey situation we can shout into the tin can help mercenaries help and the mercenaries will rush in and help us and like that'll be the job i like to say maybe you do one of those things where like you touch fingertips to fingertips and you make like a snake from where you go so one we won't get lost if it's like a maze in there because we'll literally have a string of people and then also if there's a problem you

just tug on their hand and be like everybody come come in and help out. Well, okay. Sexcaliber, did you help with any of the question word, the sacred text word tricks? No, again, I was just the intern. I was writing down what they found there. Fetching coffees? Okay, can we like read that? Yeah, if you wish, yes. I will give you the translation. So it seemed to be a very large paragraph that was missing

every shirt letter every shirt letter shirt letter? yes every shirt letter seemed to be gone but this was near where they disappeared from

so it's basically a lot of gibberish now that I'm thinking about it I probably shouldn't have put it in an audio podcast because it's a whole paragraph of things where the third letter is missing

it's like this a hug things where the third letter is missing. It's like, fiss, uh, uh, hug, ped, oler,

wet, weh, dumpty, etc. Like, shit like that. Okay. We'll put it onto our Patreon or something. Listen,

if we're going to start buying on these mercenaries, we might as well use them and test them out on this thing here, see if they're trustworthy and if they're good, we'll take them along with us

to like Ravenloft and stuff. So the way mercenaries work is you pay them by the day, right? Yeah. So it's 10 gold a day. What if we call it an internship? Yeah, we'll call it an internship. We don't have to pay them, and then they work for us, and they give us all of their expertise,

and they probably do more work than we do, and then we don't have to respect them quite as much. Glenn is already sketching out a tour poster where it's like, you want to work for the baddest dudes? And it's like cool drawings of all of us. So Benedict Cabbage Patch is still here if you want to try to convince him to do an internship. Yeah.

We're looking for a social media rock star to join our team. We're looking for a self-starter with thick skin. Because there's traps that'll cut your skin. Who isn't afraid of ambiguity and not... I literally saw that on a job post once. Isn't afraid of ambiguity. And I'm just like... The biggest asshole in the world.

I'm like, sorry that I'm suing you already. So I think we have about like the equivalent of like $300,000 more or less. Yeah. Because we had 1.7 at 12. We got wiped out. Even more of a reason to not pay interns. So yeah, we could definitely hire some. I guess we still have plenty of money left.

You're writing this down, Benedict, right? Like a go-getter who can hang in a fast-paced competitive environment. I have mercenaries for any occasion you could wish. But we do generally, we work for payment, for gold. But have you ever considered working for exposure? Exposure and experience. We need somebody who can anticipate

the needs of this campaign. Now, why on earth would we need exposure? We are world-renowned amongst them, of course. There will be light administrative work. Well, but here's the thing, Benedict. I'm not asking for your rock stars. I'm asking for growth hackers.

You know what I mean? Like the kinds of folks who are looking to get their feet wet in the mercenary business. Like this Danish kid here. Yes, yes. The people who want to level up their skills. Yes, yes. So go ahead and roll persuasion on him. I feel more morally disgusted by this

than by dropping the pyramid i'm gonna roll for synergy uh that was my persuasion roll seven plus nine uh 16 16 okay so he'll roll opposed i guess insight so he goes like i have uh i have one man who might fit the bill yes yes yes And so he goes and he comes back. So Camden Hulk sent us a name for a description and it was just Doug. So Doug just shows up. I don't even know his last name. I'm Doug. What's going on?

Hey, quick download. With Doug? No, not with Doug. Doug starts coming in and he's like, yeah, what's up? This is like an upper level meeting, Doug. Yeah, Doug. Hey, the room's taken. Can you get us some coffees? I hate us.

So, Ron, I know you're the businessman, but I just want to understand what, and Glenn, you guys have hired interns. I haven't, honestly. I'm mostly at home and stuff. Sorry, we've hired team players. Okay, I just want to, we do have, my understanding is that we've hired Doug. I got four black coffees

Okay Yeah Doug Have you not met dog? He's great. I could go for a coffee. I'll be right back I just wanna we do have like three hundred thousand dollars like do we want just dug for free or do we want to spend a little bit on like right here man i can hear you well you know i read this thing have you fought a lot uh i'm i'm i'm uh i i have uh uh i'm uh uh uh uh uh yeah no i think we need to save as much money as we can for this is rough this i think we need to save as much money as we can for... This is rough. I think we need to save as much money as we can

for the Neverwinter campaign. And really, what's worth more... Not the Neverwinter, the Barovia. Barovia. And really, what's worth more, $300,000 or the chance to be on a team like ours, also getting the phone number of an important person. I'm going to write my phone number on that coffee cup, by the way.

Excuse me, Doug. Can I grab that coffee cup? Yeah, please do. Doug, are you good at puzzles? Oh, yeah. I beat ass puzzles. What does that mean? I mean, that means I do the jumble every day.

What's the jumble in this world? Jumble is a guy comes up to you and he says a bunch of words out of order, and you got to understand what he's actually saying. Oh, well, that could be helpful. That actually is pretty helpful. The only thing I was concerned about is that you're as strong as your weakest link. I just want to make sure that we didn't put him in harm's way. But like if you're going to puzzles like he if he's a puzzle guy, I my vote is we save

our money for we're going to need as many resources as we can to mount this assault on human resources, especially. I was going to suggest we just ask Benedict, whatever is the cabbage patch, who's the smartest and best at puzzles was. But if that like Doug's pretty good, we'd like, we get into trouble. We send Doug back out with some money to get more mercenaries to bring us

in coffee. We're going to pay you 10 pounds. We're going to pay you 10. Whoa. Whoa. I'm good on you. Good on you. Yeah.

We're going to give you a 10 gold per diem. I guess, depending on how it goes in here. Cool, cool, cool. And this can come out of our cut. Daryl and I can split it two ways. If you guys don't feel comfortable. All right. So what are we doing?

I think we go with our social media manager and growth hackers coming in with us. All these puzzles. Street team Doug. He's going to be our street team in that if we get into trouble, he's going to run out into the street and get the mercenaries to come in. Doug, Daryl Wilson, nice to meet you. I put my hand out. Doug.

Doug, nice to meet you, buddy. We're going to give you five up front, and if you do a good job, you're going to get the whole ten, and this is the team. This is who you're working for. Loving it. I'm Daryl. Why don't you introduce yourself? Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Hey, Doug. I'm Henry. I consider myself the fun laid back one of the group. So, you know, if you want to, like, you know, just goof around and, you know, maybe tell some jokes. You got some funny jokes. You can tell me and I'll, you know, I'll test them out for you before we try them out on

the other tats. Henry's never talked to an intern before. He's trying to come off relatable and he's very nervous. Doug, I take my coffees with two creams, two shivers. Good to know. Memorized. I hand Doug a business card, and then I point to myself, and I'm like, we'll reimburse you for mental gas. If you're really working hard on these riddles,

we might throw a little cat scratcher away. And that's a trick question, because Egyptians were often buried with their cats. All right, let's go. Okay, so if you... Payton, wait outside. Oh, I'm coming with you. Oh, my God.

We can't bring Payton in. Yeah, Payton, hey... Who are you going to trust me with? You just said this whole place is dangerous and weird. I was going to touch the... Do you like that funny-speaking kid, that Dutch kid? I mean, he seemed... That funny...

I'm right here. How dare you say that? Oh, hey, what was your name again? Cal, Cal, cow i didn't see you there hey uh me pain you guys are about the same age right no i'm 25 years old oh oh well ultimate dad move sorry about that um do you have any kids yes oh how old are they they're seven and eight doing the math okay it was okay yeah it wasn't literally but i loved it very much i'm still married to my wife oh okay his name is like sex billionaire it's not once you have kids you you change your name to sex. No, I'm just saying that he has a name that implies that he,

you know, like I'm just saying, I wouldn't be surprised if a guy named sex caliber had kids. My name is sex caliber. Harsh power. What's your post kid name? Yeah, that's actually something they don't tell you.

Once you have a kid, you change your name. You changed to a sex. My my name is matthew veron hey check this out pain these are a bunch of mercenaries they could probably teach you to fight give a bunch of lessons yeah maybe payton maybe we can do an intern swap yeah payton can oh for the course of this adventure intern with the mercenaries and learn some cool fighting stuff from the mercenaries how'd you like that payton yeah that sounds pretty bad sounds pretty boss actually yeah it's pretty cool.

Peyton, did you just hold yourself back from swearing, bro? God, am I going soft? Yeah, you are, dude. Say whatever the fuck you want. You shouldn't encourage the young man to swear. I feel bad enough even when I do that. I've been cussing up a storm. I got a whole bunch of money to

donate to the swear jar when I get home. I've been keeping track of every single one. Payton, don't do it. Payton, don't do it. Frank. Okay, that's pushing it, but that's okay. Good job. I believe you were going to say something.

I was just going to say that we should make Doug like ultra sweary, and then we won't feel so bad about Payton swearingaring because it's a whole intern exchange. Fuck my butt. Doug, Doug, Doug, my dick. Doug's a grown up. I don't have to like it but Doug can swear.

So Cashbatch, Mr. Cashbatch, it's okay if Peyton stays here with you? Yes, this can be some sort of work trading arena. Train the child. Yeah, sort of intern swap scenario. I'll live with it. Alright. Alright, Payton. Alright, Payton, get really good at combat. See ya. Yeah, I'll try my best.

I mean, I'm already great at combat. What are you fucking talking about? Better at combat. Ah, there's that curse again. Yeah. Hey! Keep in track of those. Okay, let's go. Let's go inside this fucking pyramid. But Anthony looked sad at himself. Let's go inside this fucking pyramid. Let's do it! So as you walk into the pyramid,

you see, we can just walk in. It's not like, there's no door. It's just this big, it's just this big arch. There's no like speak friend and enter. No.

So you, so you basically walk in the Elvin word for friend, regardless, just as I walk through the riddle of all fucking time. Nice job. Tolkien. Um, is it dumber than what's in my pocket?

No. Second dumbest riddle of all time. Wait, what is in your pocket? Right now, nothing. I'm holding all my dice like a maniac. Not that my dice would be in my pocket. Is it less weird if you're holding all your dice in your pocket? Just a cool guy walking down the street with my dice in my pocket.

I always have a D20 right here. Hey, man, in case an orc attacks me, I gotta be able to roll for additional. I keep my D20 on my right and also my d8 and my d4 in my left pocket. Okay, so as you walk... I got pocket protection for my dice. Is that a d4 in your pocket or are you just very poorly endowed? Okay, so you walk into the pyramid and you see that, like, the pyramid is actually really, really... Fuck, how am I... how to best describe this?

Triangular. So it's basically basically it seems to be it seems to be hollow almost in a sense like it's not like you think of a pyramid you think of like oh man it's like the luxor it's like the first thing everyone builds in minecraft yeah pretty much yeah it's like got a really high ceiling and stuff but it's pretty dark so you can only see a couple feet in front of you and as you walk forward your thighs bump into like a little like a metal these like waist high like metal gates uh that don't seem to but as you walk around them you see they don't seem to block off anything there's individual little lengths of gate i'm so scared i can't what is happening i think freddie figured it out

you can just barely make out as your eyes begin to adjust to the darkness that like going all throughout this pyramid in this weird like circuitous kind of path are a bunch of these little waist-high metal like barricades that don't actually seem to block off anything. Like you're like, initially when you bump in, you're like, oh, it's a gate that's like preventing entrance, but it's not. It's just there in the center of this path.

Like an amusement park line? So we're in a room, there's a bunch of waist-high barriers leading up to something. Yeah. As you follow them, you can see that they're leading to a series of, like, these, like,

like a bunch of seats next to each other and, like, four, like, rows of four, like, three rows of four and a tunnel that just descends into darkness almost immediately. You can't see further into it. Go ahead. I can make, so as I walk in, I realize the thing in the front of the pyramid,

it says, I think it was Revenge of the Mummy, the ride. Welcome back. Happy New Year, everyone. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold. That's Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong is Glenn Close.

Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Thanks this week to Camden Hulk, Dinas Carlson, and rachel feneman for submitting names we use in this episode thanks also to ashton landau chase johnson icarus del sol jeffrey tucker and joel aglesoft who are all patreon supporters and who all in their own way make this show possible with their support you too can be as cool as they are at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads where you can also download the rest of at the mountains of dadness the call of cthulhu prequel campaign by becoming a patron at any level and while you're a

patron why not check out all the great extra dad content everything from newsletters written by the dads to behind the scenes discussions that we record immediately after each episode and available only to our patreon supporters the other way you can hear the rest of at the mountains of dadness by the way is heading over to our website dungeonsanddaddies. other way you can hear the rest of At the Mountains of Dadness, by the way, is heading over to our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com, where you can do a digital download and peruse our fine enamel pin merch. We're going to be doing some more cool dad merch in the next month or so. And by the way,

Patreon supporters get first crack at getting their hands on that stuff, too. So, have yourself a look. We are Dungeons and Daddies on Twitter, bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads for that private Facebook group, and r slash Dungeons and Daddies for that subreddit. Next full episode's gonna be coming out January 21st, which will be our one-year anniversary. That's right,

we've been here chugging dice for a full lap around the sun, so we'll see you then. There was a time when you could read between the lines You know they never brought you down Never brought you down. Never brought you down. I have a question that could ruin this podcast.

Do you guys laugh a little extra hard? Like for other people? Like when they make a joke? Like do you sweeten your laughs? I mean, I know you do. Oh!