Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 26 - Moms of Future Past

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

The dads take a moment after the revelations of the previous episode to collect themselves, and gather mercenaries for the final assault....This episode contains profanity, violence, and drug/alcohol use.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. All right, Doug, we'll go from the top. Universal Studio sucks. Boring, tacky, and cliche. The kind of place where you leave a scathing one-star Yelp review. Pandas doing kung fu. Janky animatronics.

Rides for movies you never wanted if you only knew about Disney World. The greatest theme park of all time. When you go on the rides, your wives don't die. My favorite place to get high is Disney World. Buy an annual pass. And Disneyland in Anaheim. Don't forget to add parking. There's two more in Japan, and one in France, and one that just opened in Shanghai. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, sometimes a BDSM podcast, most of the times a Dungeons and Dragons podcast

about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. Welcome to Wizards and Widowers. Too soon? I don't know. I'm very nervous. I'm trying to cut the mood with Gallows humor. I know. I miss the sexy times.

Yeah. I mean, this used to be a hot sex-ass podcast. Remember when we were trying to have sex with hot 20-year-old band members backstage? Remember that time? Ah, the lark. BDSM, but the D stands for death. Remember when we were trying to have sex with hot 20-year-old band members backstage? Remember that time? BDSM, but the D stands for death. And the M stands for moms. Oh, no. And S for sad.

Sad, yeah. Bad, dead, sad moms. Oh, yeah. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This week's Glenn fact, since we're on a roller coaster an emotional roller coaster of sorts i think it would be an appropriate time to explain what is glenn's favorite disneyland ride as the biggest disney fan um glenn's favorite disneyland

ride a lot of people were throwing guesses out there there were some pirates guesses there were some haunted mansion guesses the answer in fact can i wait can i try yeah mr toad's wild ride incorrect oh that was a good one that was a good one that was a good one was a good one tiki house nope um jungle ride you know we're just gonna name all the fucking disney rides so uh autopia the car that's not in disneyland now here's why all them diesel fumes cover up the smell of the dank. Push my dudes. That's where he stops. First stop in the morning.

Make sure that he's on the. What's the second stop once it hits? Yeah. I think he kind of just wanders around. I was a teacups for a while. He gets one of those turkey legs. That's the only ride he's ridden is Utopia. He just goes and sets up at the.

The monorail. Pizza planet. Yeah. He pays $17 for an individual churro. He gets like three bread bowls while he's there at Boobies

I always see people I mean I've only been once or twice but I always see people walk around those giant turkey legs and then I never found out where they have them

they bring those in yeah do they come in with the turkey legs they take them from the renaissance pleasure fair I don't want to say who it is but one of my wife's friends

we went to Disneyland and she's like it's her favorite thing to get the turkey leg so we had to go find where the turkey leg was and they're like oh wait we don't have turkey legs right now is, but one of my wife's friends, we went to Disneyland and she's like, it's her favorite thing to get the turkey leg. So we had to go find where the turkey leg was. And they're like, oh, wait, we don't have turkey legs right now. You have to wait. They'll be here in like 15 or 20 minutes because they bring them from some kitchen.

I swear to God, by the time they brought the turkey legs, there was like 30 people. Where the fuck are my turkey legs? They're coming in 15 minutes. And we're like, should we go? She's like, no, I haven't been to California for years. I just want my goddamn turkey legs. And I watch like 30 people slowly lose their mind. I'd be like, I'm going to call your manager. Where the

fuck are these turkey legs? Guys, please take me to Disneyland and get me a turkey leg. I'll chew on that turkey leg all day. I'll make it last. I'll bring it on all the rides. They'll be like, ma'am, you cannot bring that turkey leg onto the Space's Edge Galaxy Star Trek Lord land. Alright. Hello. My name is Matt Arnold. rides he'll be like ma'am you cannot bring that turkey leg onto the space's edge galaxy star trek

lord land all right hello my name is matt arnold i play daryl wilson a stay-at-home coach dad uh who's a barbarian in the forgotten realms this is kind of uh two facts in one because i think you should have facts too furious too furious it's kind of more of a carol fact um so carol's actually just really into carol's dead. Carol's dead. But before my beloved wife had passed away, one of her favorite things was hard sci-fi. Like, she really likes hard sci-fi. Oh, all right.

Okay. She'll hate this. And Daryl can't stand especially time travel stuff because it makes him feel like an idiot, because he is. So when they take turns on their Friday movie nights, and one night she rented Primer and Daryl had been up

really early watching it. Carol being into Primer is the wildest twist this podcast has ever. Oh yes, Carol, big Shane Carruth fan. She loves hard sci-fi. We fell in love over Upstream Color. The fact that the relationship doesn't work could not be better

exemplified by the fact that she likes primer. So Daryl had been up really early to watch the World Cup at like 3 in the morning with his Chelsea boys. So he was trying to stay awake but he kept falling asleep. And then at the end she's like, well, did you like it? And he did not Daryl did not remember anything. He's like, oh yeah, of course I liked it. And she started asking like, what was your favorite part?

And he's like, uh, and he got scared so he ran to the bathroom. He's like, let me go to the bathroom real quick. And he tried to pull out the synopsis of Primer, and he sat there for like 10 minutes on the toilet until he fell asleep, and he woke up to a scream, and that's also the fact of when Grant first saw his dad naked. Okay.

Wait, he was watching Primer naked? He was sitting on the toilet. He's under his pants, Dad. Yeah, he fell asleep. You didn't take your shirt off. Wait, wait, wait, back up, back up, back up. There's three dad pants, Dad. Yeah, he fell. You didn't take your shirt off. Wait, wait, wait. Back up, back up, back up. There's three dad facts.

Because also, Daryl poops naked. That's why he cannot agree just for himself. Daryl full-on takes his entire pants off when he goes to the bathroom. Okay. What? Wait, wait, wait. What? Okay, so the episode is canceled.

The episode is just seven minutes of us unpacking this. You guys want to go to the bathroom with ankle handcuffs on? You take out those pants, spread your legs out, have a good time, feel free in there. Where does he put the pants? Yeah. What do you mean? Do you just leave them crumpled on the ground? No, you fold them up, put them on the sink, sit down, enjoy yourself.

On the sink? The sink? No, your ass germs can get all over your lovely sink. What are you talking about? Well, well, well, look who's in the hygiene hot seat now. No, hygiene, please. Okay, wait. Well, like, what about public restrooms?

Does he take you off his pants putting them in a public ass sink? That's why he doesn't like going to public restrooms. Does he take his, like, shoes off and, like, his socks off, too? See, by the way, unlike Will, I will totally say, like, absolutely Matt loves to be able to have no pants on while going to the bathroom. That's insane. You gotta feel free in there. There's no other animal on earth that wears pants while going to the bathroom. That's all I'll say. Good point.

Even Winnie the Pooh. I'm losing my mind. Oh my god. That's a barn burner. That was Dungeons and Daddies, guys. That's permanent disadvantage on charisma checks for Matt for the rest of the game. I'm going to throw this in there. Henry does that too. That was Dungeons and Daddies, guys. That's permanent disadvantage on charisma checks for Matt for the rest of the camp. Until the heat of the universe. I'm going to throw this in there.

Henry does that, too. Yeah, you guys give it a try. It'll change your life. Ron poops with his pants on entirely. I didn't poop when I poop naked. I was like, oh, this has got to be my new thing. This is my new normal. This is my style.

So when you poop, when you close the door and you're by yourself and nobody's there, nobody's around, nobody's judging you with what you're doing. You sit there and be like, I love it that my ankles are seven inches apart because I don't want my feet to be free. It's literally no trouble whatsoever. What am I going to be doing with my ankles? I got my feet up. I'm not going to be going into fucking your feet up. What the fuck? What are you doing?

That's going to pinch it midway through. What is wrong with you? He's got them in the stirrups, Anthony. You've never had a good shit. What the fuck? My feet are not up. I'm just picturing Daryl like he goes and he takes his pants

and boxers off like neatly folds them and sets them on the... I'll see you later, he says to them patting them once lovingly. And then he does some sort of sick ab exercise where he sends his legs out. Fucking knee lifts. You ring fit adventuring

while you're on the goddamn commode. All right. Well, you can imagine how confused Grant was when he came in and found his dad without pants and folded. I'm amazed that your relationship with Grant is as good as it is. Oh, boy.

I'm Will Campos. Good luck, Will. Yeah, man. I had a fun thing planned. We'll see if it's still funny. I feel like I just got blown out by three crazy-ass Daryl facts. I play Henry Oak. Crunchy, munchy, hippie, granola,

eating, Birkenstock, rocking, nature druid dad. And I've been sick the last couple days. I've been feeling a little under the weather, so I do not have time to prepare a dad fact. But what I was thinking... He has coronavirus, everybody. I do not have coronavirus. You a dad fact. But what I was thinking... He has coronavirus, everybody. I do not have coronavirus. You're actually going to get it by listening to the podcast is what's scary.

I was thinking that maybe all of us together could come up with Henry's dad fact this week, one word at a time, like on Whose Line Is It Anyway? So that's what I want to do. All right. This is dangerous. In our laps that you should have done. Yeah, you know, it's going to be real fun. It's like one of those whose line sketches, like the ones with Drew Carey where

they all indulge him at the end of the show. And whatever happens is canonical. Whatever we come up with word by word is a canonical Henry dad fact. This is high risk. All right. Ready? Are we ready? You got to get in on this too. This is the whole group. Are we going in an order? I'm Clockwise. We'll go

me, Beth, and we'll go around the circle. Beth's second. That's dangerous. I can't think of anything funny. Alright. Just one word at a time. One word at a time. Henry belongs to a lovely organization

that calls itself vicious skiers. I don't know. That's terrible. No, no. Vicious skiers. The damage is done. He's part of the vicious skiers. Tell us more.

I'll make this work. In the form of a song, please. Henry's part of an organization that calls themselves the Vicious Skiers. And they are a group of skiers because he goes skiing up and down occasionally. Dressed like Sid Vicious. Dressed like Sid Vicious. And they set off avalanches to try and... Are they the bad guys from Better Off Dead?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Henry thinks that they're just all about respecting the, respecting the trails and, like, you know, making sure people don't litter up there and they have a safe time. He does not realize that they're objectively eco-terrorists who are trying to, like, stop, like, big ski resort from encroaching on these mountains. He joined them, but he never has time to go skiing,

so he's actually never gone anywhere. He's never gone anywhere with them, but he's on their membership. It's that he's gone with them, but he's not a good enough skier to be on the actual mountain, and he's been on the bunny hill the entire time. Yes, yes, exactly. And he's like, I. It's that he's gone with them, but he's not a good enough skier to be on the actual mountain. He's been on the bunny hill the entire time. Yes, exactly.

And he's like, I want to get into skiing. He joined this eco group, the Vicious Skiers. He thinks that they're all about, like, you know, sustainable skiing and stuff like that. And secretly they've been plotting to, like, start avalages and stuff. And so he's on a watch list. So there we go.

That was fun, guys. Tight. And he poops without his pants on. Yeah, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight. My name is beth may and i play ron stampler emotionally detached stepfather and rogue guys this week i uh hate to be a bummer with my dad fact i just i gotta bring it home back to last week and say that um something that everybody should know about Ron is that Samantha is the only

person who has ever called him Ronnie. Whoa. That's cute. Dang. Beth over here making Matt and I look like a couple of goofballs with that. You guys are so silly. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. My dad. My dad fact is that I don't even take my pants

off when I shit. I just go straight through the denim. The force of my hatred propelling it out of my body. It really kind of depends on how you're standing. That's what ankle it comes out of. I hate everything. Did you say ankle? Yeah, ankle.

He's talking about that. You have a straight shot. I was going to say he has one of those comedy, like an old-timey long underwear cross-doctor situations. I thought you were saying it's the equivalent of over the gate where you just take your dick out over the top of your underwear. That's what you do with your pants when you shit. You just kind of pull it down slightly.

I make sure to get the momentum going first, then gravity handles the rest of its way out. I've never heard that. Over the gate? Yes, over the gate or through the gate. Oh, man. Whether you go through the boxer hole. I've never heard that over the gate. Yeah, it's over the gate or through the gate. Oh, man. Whether you go through the boxer hole. I've never heard that before.

Yeah, because nowadays boxers don't really have like that. Now it's all over the gate. Like me undies and stuff. A lot of boxers have like sealed up that gate, you know? Build a wall. Yeah, and to that I say thank you. Build a wall and make my taint pay for it Alright so last week your wives died Jesus Christ

You went to a pyramid to kill some mummies So that you could hire a bunch of mercenaries To go attack Castle Ravenloft where the purple dudes are. Inside, you found some traps, some murders that maybe Doug may or may not have done. Doug didn't do the murders. Doug did not murder anyone. Text Doug guilty or innocent to. And then you went down and you found three mummies, one of whom was a little bit more put together than the others. And they were all mommies.

And they were all mommies. Oh, boy. You all got some notes from them. Apparently, 10 years after you left, they noticed an energy spike in the mummy ride. Also within those 10 years, they redesigned the mummy ride to be a pyramid. Eat my ass.

Nice. They went to the pyramid. They got sucked through, spent another 10 years sort of hurtling through this purple vortex. And then you found them, almost set them on fire. Thankfully, it did not. And then they sort of finally, having seen you again, died. So to remind you of what the sort of scene looks like, you are at the bottom of the maintenance area of a roller coaster.

It's sort of well lit. It's pretty flat. Down here, you see the three bodies of your mummified wives, a ladder leading back up to the coaster and the roller coaster track where Doug is currently sitting. A couple of suitcases full of stuff. So we're like at the bottom of like a big silo. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Mercedes Garcia had a gun in one of her hands. There are some suitcases full of something might be golden, some other stuff. You'd seen one of the notes that they tried to bring you some stuff that would be useful on this trip. And Doug is up on the uh coaster that you came out and being like hey is everything

is everything okay what's what's going on now we're gonna we're gonna dive right into here i was thinking we would do like uh like you know like the frodo turns around and has like one tear in his eyes and you cut to like 20 minutes later you don't have to deal with all the emotion you gotta handle it i mean henry's just crestfallen on the ground i don't think he's got capacity for conscious thought at this exact moment. Yeah, if I remember correctly, the last moment was you guys pulled me off of trying to unwrap Carol's face. Yes, and then Freddie said, that's why

you go to Disney. You maintain our status as a comedy podcast. Okay, I punch Glenn. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I punch Glenn. Let's go. Let's go. Roll some dice. Roll dice to do it. I take advantage because he's not expecting it. Yeah, if you weren't expecting it, then I feel like he just gets attack advantage. I've been in my fair share of holding people back

from fights, though, and like round balls. You get advantage. I feel like Glenn just did the smile at the end of the joke and his tooth just twinkled. And then Daryl's fist is about to come in straight at it. I rolled a 16. I don't know what I'm rolling for anymore. What's your AC?

14. Okay, so it hits. So whatever your unarmed damage is, roll that, and that's what Glenn takes. Oh, he's a barbarian, too. This is going to hurt. God, really? No, just four. Four damage.

Four damage? What the fuck? It's roughly the amount of damage that a good dad joke does. You take a physical dad joke to the face. Yeah, I swing. I'm going to go, fucking now, Glenn? Now you want to make jokes? Now our wives are dead.

Was I making the joke canonically in vodka? I don't know. Hold on. I just want to establish it. I just want to establish it. No, I don't feel like I would be making a joke. All right.

That's fair. That's fair. That's fair. Come on, Glenn. I knew you were thinking of something funny. I saw that smile on your eyes. Fucking shitty.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Everybody just calm down. Just calm down. I heard him say a joke, but I guess he didn't. I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just out of my mind. Guys, we got to get shit eating grin. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Everybody just calm down. Just calm down. I thought I heard him say a joke, but I guess he didn't. I'm sorry. I'm just out of my mind. Guys, we got to get out of here.

We need to get to Ravenloft right now. We have to get out. I don't know what this is. I'm looking at these letters. I don't know if this is real or not. There's some illusions. We've seen a lot of weird, magical shit since we showed up here. So I don't even know if this is real, and you don't even know if this is real.

And the only thing that we do know is that we got to get going and that this is not a good place for us to be. So we should get the hell out of here. Carol definitely wrote my letter. That's I know. I know my lioness and that's her handwriting. And I'm pretty sure that's her body. And I think this really happened. And we I know we got to get out of here. We can do about it. All right. We got to hold on. Just hold to Glenn. Just hold on. Just hold on. Just hold on. This is all going really, really fast. Henry is freaking out, obviously. He sees the luggage nearby, and he just runs towards it and starts rooting through it.

I think Ron does the same thing. I think he goes through the luggage, too. So inside the suitcase, you find basically a lot of Sacagawea gold dollars that in Dungeons and Dragons currency ends up to be about a thousand gold. You're not talking about literal Sacagawea dollars. You're talking about-

No, they're literal. They like turned all of their stuff into Sacagawea dollars, presumably, you know, cashed in a bunch of money to get Sacagawea dollars and then brought them back here. And the exchange rate,

I'm telling you, sort of fourth wall breakingly is a thousand gold. Glenn rubs his chin thoughtfully and says, what happened to the economy in the real world? Note to self, take a look back at Bitcoin when I get back. Henry just starts searching frantically. There's got to be something in here. There's got to be some way to

undo this. There's got to be some way to stop this. You find a variety of items that you can tell have sort of magical properties and stuff like that. But if you're looking specifically for something that is going to un-mummify your wives, you are going to be disappointed. You also find an item from Brittany Parsons. Thank you, Brittany. And it is the Hat of Shadows. And when worn, it allows the wearer to control shadows for one hour. It's like a Metallica hat?

It's whatever kind of hat you would like it to be. It's called a trilby? Oh, no. It's not that. It can be any type of hat other than that. It's a pork pie hat. And it makes you grow a cool soul patch. Is that the cabbie hat? It's like a tiny little.

It's kind of like a ska hat. Oh. The ska hat. If you put on a pork pie hat, you automatically know how to play trombone in a ska band. Well, same thing about the cabbie hat. Yeah, like the newsboy hat. Oh, no. The pork pie is not a newsboy hat.

Okay. Newsboy hats are for balding people, right? All hats are for balding people. Okay. Then I'm not wearing it. I just, I slammed the case check. This doesn't make sense. You called them two minutes ago.

We called them, I thought only like an hour had passed. I don't understand what's happening. How are they? You got your phone, right? How's it been 40 years? Daryl already has his phone out. And he's going to call. He's going to call Mercedes.

He's going to call. It's true. I love to call. He's going to call Mercedes. He's going to call. It's true. I love Mercedes now. He's going to call Carol. Okay. So roll. You want to beat a four, but you have advantage. Hold on.

All right. We're going to call to make sure that our wives are alive now or alive then, wherever we are in time versus where they are in time. I actually haven't watched many time travel movies. They're all kind of confusing. They're really confusing. And now I'm realizing that real life is also confusing when it comes to time and time travel.

What I'm saying, Daryl, is shouldn't we call someone we know we'll pick up? Oh my God. Oh my God. Ron, how about, okay. Well, she wants to get the D word. Divorce. She wants the D.

She wants the D. Just call him, man. I just stare at Ron and nod. And then I dial Carol's number. Okay, give me a roll. That's an 18. Okay, great. Okay, thank God.

Okay, so you hear a click, and then you hear the familiar voice of your wife, Carol, say, Hey, hey, what's up? Did you get my text? Hey, Carol, how's everything over there? She's on the phone. Holy shit. She's on the phone. It's been like 30 seconds since you last called me, so I mean.

It's only been 30 seconds? Yeah. Have you heard anything from um have you been talking to the other moms no should i yeah i guess i should if the kids are gone mercedes yeah okay let me let me get a pen okay who am i who am i calling wait don't wait wait wait wait they can never meet there's no hold press hold just uh one second okay okay so we know they're alive right so she's alive just ask him ask her to check if they're still alive. Yeah, Carol's alive.

Okay, what you're about to tell them is what sends them to the mummy ride. Okay, you have to tell them to never go to Universal Studios, ever. But what if him saying you should never go to Universal Studios is what gives them the idea to go to Universal Studios? Okay, then tell them to go to Universal Studios. Here, put me on the to Universal Studios. Tell them, here, put me on the phone with Carol. Tell her it's a great time. It's

a great time, and there's so many cool tricks, and there's so many cool, I thought it would be a scary ride, but it wasn't very scary, and I didn't even get sick. Tell her it's the best thing ever, and then at the end, there's a surprise, but don't tell her what the surprise is, or else she'll never go, and then she'll... But we want her to never go.

No, wait, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, this is too complicated for me. Daryl, I'm scared. What should we do? I stare at all of them, and I was like, have you guys ever seen Primer? Oh, fuck. No, I haven't. It makes no sense.

This doesn't make any sense either. You guys are right. I don't know what's going to happen. Give me one second. And I say, yeah, we're still trying to find the kids. And sorry, I called you right back. I didn't realize it was only 30 seconds. Okay, so yeah, Mercedes.

And then you also took Nicholas and Mark. Okay, so yeah, I can talk to Mercedes and Samantha. Yeah, just let them know that everything's okay. And the other dads here were just wanting to check in and make sure that everybody's having a good time over there and that everything's okay over here i mean yeah nobody's having a really good time because the kids are kids are missing but i mean yeah i is that is that it you just wanted to check to yeah you know what we'll um i'll call you a little later tonight uh we just want to check in okay all right all right i love you carol wait could you just i hang up wait you

guys are right i don't know know what... Just so you know, the next time you call, it's a five. What? Does he have a phone charger in his van? Yeah, but the van runs off of Japanese compliments now

and the inverter doesn't work on that. Okay. You have to get an adapter from compliments to electricity. The batteries died. The batteries died. It's just running

completely off of magic now. So it's literally just Japanese compliments are turning the wheels of the van. Look, you guys are right. You guys know, Carol's the sci-fi person.

She's the smart one. And all I know is the only time travel movie I saw, it turned into like they all killed themselves. Like they themselves came back and killed themselves.

So you're probably right. I don't want to mix anything up. Wait, but okay. It sounds like Carol's really smart about sci-fi stuff. Yeah. And Mercedes is really smart about magic stuff. Yeah. Samantha is smart about sci-fi stuff. Yeah. And Mercedes is really smart about magic

stuff. Yeah. Samantha is smart about everything. Samantha is smart about everything. It seems like I think we can trust them with this information. I mean, there are wives. If we say don't go to Universal Studios ever, even though causal wise, you might want to because we're saying this like if

Carol understands the plot of Primer, I think she would understand the nuance of the conversation here's the question she said it was only 30 seconds which is confusing because it's been way longer than that i don't understand those two things happen but it seems like time is moving slower over there yes so assuming we or maybe time is moving variable speeds covering our ass anthony assuming we alive, if we waited for a long time, we could tell them and it'll just be like one day. Whereas, I don't know

what your letter said, but it's been, well, like 10 years before they came looking for us. But wait, what if they're in the future and we're in the future and some alternate timeline

and so they know that we died and we don't know that we died yet and we're dead right now. What if we're dead? Oh, no, I just got over the thinking about that. We were dead. No, no, no, we're dead right now what if we're dead oh no i just got over the thinking about that we were dead no no no we're not going down we're all dead again we're not we're not thinking about that from the coaster get dogs like you guys are dead no we're not dead

okay henry your letter yes it sounded like mercedes was the ringleader yes maybe you should talk to your wife man and daryl can i use the phone to call Mercedes? Daryl, what did your letter say? Yeah, Daryl, you never read your letter to everybody. Yeah, I mean, look, I'm not gonna... It doesn't have any more information than what you guys already have. Daryl, we don't know that. We don't know

any information that could be helpful or hurtful or anything, and I'm... I just... I need to get ahead of this thing before everybody goes away all i'll say is that she was losing her memory and that's the only thing she said she was losing her memory glenn you're into freaky shit what do you think's going on do you think this is like a moms of future past kind of scenario here or as far as I can tell, due to my experimentation and research, mostly on YouTube, into the paranormal and Wikipedia,

this is what I think is going on, guys. I think that the government has untethered our reality from time. And I think, wait, hold on, hold on, Ron. This is exhaustively researched, man. I'm exhausted. I think that they are set on a path where this is exhaustively researched, man. I'm exhausted. I think that they are set on a path where this is where they will end up. They might be alive right now, as we just heard on the phone with Daryl.

But at some point in the future, if nothing nudges them out of the way here, this is where they end up. And we're here ahead. I'm with Ron. This is why I fucking hated Primer. Nothing happens. It's just people talking about what did happen and will happen. And like, she just sits there and she watches. So then let's do something. Nothing happened.

Like Die Hard, something happens. They build a building. But this is just, it'd be like if Die Hard, they're like, hey, what if the building blew up? And they go backwards. Daryl, get a hold of yourself. Jesus. You're right, Ron.

This is where all emotions are high. We're all shocked. But I think Glenn's right. I think this might be like a grim harbinger. The end of the movie should be the end of the movie, not the beginning of the movie. I'm tired of thinking. That's all I'm saying. I don't know how to think. I don't know how to think at all. I know how to do, and I don't even know how to do that very well, but I think we need to do

something because otherwise we're just going to be thinking, and thinking is so hard. We need to get our kids back now. Ron, can I have a hug? Can we do a hug? I think you two should hug. You two, hug it out. I hold my arms up, and tears start coming out of Daryl's eyes. Dad huddled by Daryl. He's just holding his arms out for a hug. out of Daryl's eyes. Dad huddles like Daryl. He's just holding his arms out for a hug.

I hug Daryl. Get in here. Everyone hug our wives and dads. The girl just starts crying. What does Glenn do? Glenn's like looking around and be like, all right, get the suitcase.

We need to get the fuck out of here, guys. I don't even know if this is real. I grab Glenn's sleeve and I pull him into the dad huddle. Glenn just has three grown men sobbing on him. Are you going to try to dodge or are you going to let it happen? Glenn's going to let it happen.

He's going to look up at Doug and be like, Doug, is there like a switch? Is the coaster stopped? Is it going to go if we get back up there? I think so. Yeah, I found a little like there's a little lever that opened up when I came to a stop here. So, yeah, whenever you want to bounce, we can bounce. Guys, this is a real horror show right now. It's freaking me out.

And I think we could do something about it, but we should get out of this pit. Also, is that a gun? I want to do an investigation on the gun. Okay, roll Arcana. Arcana? Mm-hmm. Natural 20. Ooh.

Okay, I'll tell you exactly what it is. It's a gun. Turns out it's a gun. Okay, so this was an item submitted by Emma Solman. Thank you, Emma. It is Chekhov's gun. So you can sell it for 250 gold if you want to. Why?

I'm rich. But it's a gun that has nine bullets in the chamber. So you can either fire those bullets. In the magazine. Like bullets. Yeah, it has nine bullets in the magazine. Okay. It's got one in the chamber, though.

Yeah, it's got eight in the... And you haven't even taken the safety off, rookie. So it's got nine bullets, and you can either use them as bullets to shoot things, or you can shoot it into the air, and the smoke from Chekhov's gun will take the shape of something that is relevant to your current situation

that will help you out. Holy shit. Wait, what? Holy shit. So if you're trying to do a puzzle, trying to figure out a question or whatever the hell, instead of shooting it at somebody, you can shoot it into the air, spend one of your nine bullets that cannot be replaced,

shoot it in the air, and the smoke will create an image of something that would be helpful to you in this scenario. Guys, I think there's something about this gun. Something tells me that if I just shoot it in this tiny enclosed echoey space indoors without ear protection, it'll give us an image that may help us out in our current situation. I do think, though, we should get out of here. This is freaking me out, and I don't like this. Okay, I think Glenn's right. We don't know what's going on. We have at least a bit of confirmation

that some version of our wives are still alive, and yet these are our wives. They paid the ultimate sacrifice for us. They fought for us, and they did something incredibly brave for us, and they suffered horribly for it. And I for us and they did something incredibly brave for us and they suffered horribly for it. And I do think we should honor them by bringing their bodies out of this place and laying them to rest. Uh, yeah. Okay, man, this is weird. Um, so it was a pretty weird line to

force a barrier, dead wives. Ron just goes over and sort of tears a piece of bandage off of, uh, Samantha's mummy wraps and puts it in his pocket. Actually, he's not wearing it. Oh, wait, no, he puts it in his barn door. He puts it over the fence. He puts it over the fence. He tucks it into the fence. No, he puts it, like, he tucks it into his, like, his butt.

No, like, it looks like a flag football thing. Oh, so it's in the waistband of the holographic belt. Yeah. Okay, cool. Daryl picks up Carol's body and just starts climbing the ladder. As you're doing this, I get up there and I think Doug is probably, I'm just like, Doug, don't ask about this stuff. Just leave it be, okay? Okay.

All right. You sure? Yeah. Doug's going to go far because Doug knows not to ask questions in any organization he's in. Thank God it's Friday huh Doug? knows the grindstone, living the dream my man are we loaded up in the thing?

I assume you leave and I guess yeah we're like let's get the hell out of here guys so the roller coaster takes you all the way back up to the top, you leave the same way you came in. No traps, no nothing. It's all good. You come out and Benedict Cabbage Patch and David Boreanaz are there.

And Boreanaz starts clapping, going, yay! You did it! How long were we in there for? Yeah. Oh, God. Well, this was full when you started. And now it's like, and it's almost empty. He's like, ooh, 15, 20 minutes?

Not long. Not long. Nailed it. Nailed it. Nailed it. Gentlemen, the curse is lifted. like and it's almost empty he's like 15 20 minutes not long not long nailed it nailed it nailed it gentlemen the the curse is lifted we found out that the mummies inside are actually it's it's too long and complicated to explain but they are we fixed it the curse is lifted yeah all right all right all right yes yes cool so we should probably burn we should probably like like get

rid of the just in case they can revive right like right? We're going to take care of the mummies. So are we good here? We want our mercenaries. I officially, as mayor, sheriff, I'm sheriff, as sheriff of Neverwinter, I officially give you permission to buy mercenaries from this guy. Thank you so much. And he falls asleep

on his feet. I say we come back and like, you guys give us an hour. Let's go take care of this. Wait, what? Why do we? What do we need an hour for? We're going to lay these bodies to rest, Ron.

So Peyton comes running up to you, all tired and holding a sword. He goes, I heard you guys did. Oh no. Oh man. He sort of looks at all of you and like your sadness is reflected in his expression.

And he kind of just sheathes the sword in a new sheet that he's got on his belt. And he like opens his arms up and starts like walking towards you guys. He's like, bring it, bring it in. Everybody just run to pay. Let's bring it in.

Tears to start pouring. Let it out, big boy. Let let it out i pick them up and i squeeze them oh it's okay it's okay everybody get on with us what's going on talk talk to bed talk to your bed payton we we found our wives from the world we came from where it's it's it's a long story oh no they were in the pyramid i'm so sorry he puts his hand out to try to face off your face to just sort of be like, I can't hear you. But you're too far away, so he just kind of does it at the end. I go right back to him. I'm like, that's a good movie, right?

That's just how we... It's a straightforward linear tale. Peyton, Peyton, how do we get to Ravenloft? We would just take the road really far north. We'd probably have to go through some random encounters. We just take the road really far north. We'd probably have to go through some random encounters. But we just take the road a ways north. Alright, let's do it. Let's do it right

now. If we get the mercenaries, then we can do it right now. Ron, do you not want to... If you don't want to bury the body, that's okay. Well, it's not them. It doesn't have to be them. They're not dead yet. Yeah, I'm with Ron on this one, guys. They don't have to be dead yet. The faster we get this taken care of, the faster we can make sure this doesn't happen.

Okay. Gentlemen, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to lay this body to rest, and then I'm going to call my wife. And it's not going to take very long, but I need to do this before I can move forward. So where would you like to bury Mercedes? Ravenloft.

She loved Ravens, right? And she loved the Pottery Barn Loft for kids. Hey, Ron, why don't you and Glenn go talk to the mercenaries? Go talk to the mercenaries. Okay, fine. We will. We will go talk to the mercenaries. And you know what?

We'll get them and we'll kill all the Ravens and the purple guys. And then we'll get our kids back. And then our wives will be waiting. And they'll be like, you're so sexy for bringing our kids back. And then we'll get our kids back and then our our wives will be awaiting and they'll be like you're so sexy for bringing our kids back and then we'll all live happily ever after ron we're gonna save our kids and we're gonna save our wives well we need to do it now okay all right ron well let's let's let's come over here we'll do it and these guys can you know take care of their thing and we get the pieces together here and we can go to ravenloft all right i look at pain and and say, Hey buddy,

would you mind helping me dig a, dig a grave? Yeah, of course. I did like no problem. All right. So Daryl and I had to whatever the most scenic overlook over, uh,

I just want to, I just a nice spot, right? Spot. And I spot. And now you see what a pain in the acid is to do imagery while describing the way an area. There's a, there's a beautiful hill overlooking Neverwinter

that seems like a peaceful spot to be buried. It's the guy with the wind tree, but not in the south and not racist. It's like beautiful on a hilltop. You split into two groups. Peyton, Daryl, and Henry are going to bury the wives. Glenn and Ron are going to negotiate with Benedict Cabbage Patch. So first we will follow the mourners. So you take the van and you drive out of Neverwinter

looking for a place that is as serene and picturesque as you believe that your wives would appreciate to have as their final resting place. You drive the van up at Babbling Brook onto an overlook that overlooks the pyramid in the town. And you're like, that's not, maybe not that. Maybe not towards this. So you find a different, better overlook

that is just a lot of really nice wildlife. With a different pyramid. They're everywhere. This one's actually a DA in the bottom half of it. I look at Henry, I say, let's just fucking go Ravenloft on our own. Accelerate. I drive straight there.

No, no, no, no, no. So I'm going to cast two things. So first I'm going to cast Mold Earth, which allows me to instantly excavate a chunk of earth. So I'm going to excavate a nice spot of earth to lay the wives to rest in. I like the thing I moved, so we're not right next to each other as we're mourning.

I'm on the other side of the tree, and I'm halfway through. I'm like, whew, I'm Thursday. I should see if Henry wants some water. Hey, Henry, whoa. Do you dig all that on your own? It's like a thing I can do. I don't know why I can do all this stuff,

but there's one of the things I can do is move the earth. So would you like me to help out? Got a regular Stanley Yelnuts over here. I don't win. It's a holes reference. Oh, wow! Holy shit! What a hole!

Holes, all right! S. What a pull. Pulls. All right. Sack car? Yeah. I accept Henry's weird magic gift and I say, hey, thanks,

Payton, for digging. Sorry, sorry, I didn't know that you didn't have to do that. I should have offered that. That's fine.

I had a feeling you brought me along more for the emotional digging the grave than the physical digging. Okay, so I dig out one for Mercedes and one for Carol

and then I assume one for Samantha too, right? Yeah, you have the like the body body. Okay. We lay them out and I use the spell again to move the dirt back over them. Um, Daryl, do you have anything you want to say?

I go to the grave and I just look at it and I say, Carol, I'm doing this just to move on. Cause you're, you're not dead and, and we're going to fix this. And I love you and I know you love me, and I promise I'm going to protect our kid like you asked.

And I don't know even why I'm talking right now, because you're okay, and you're going to be okay, and we're going to get through this. I say, Mercedes, this is such a strange world we find ourselves in, and I don't know if this version of you is real or if it's still going to exist once we've done this. But the fact remains that you did do this and I will never forget it. I will never forget how brave you were and all the pain you went through to try to save us. And I'm going to do everything

I can to make sure this doesn't happen again. And Samantha, I just want to say that Ron's really scared right now, but he loves you so much. And we're looking after him and we're going to fight with him and we're going to make sure this all goes back to the way it was. And I know that deep down he loves you and he wishes he could be here right now to say that. And then I say to Mercedes, I say, descansé and pas mi amour. And then I cast over all three of them. Revive Yundead. The biggest flex of all time. I cast plant growth, which basically allows me to blossom flowers and plants

in a hundred foot radius. And so I sort of make a bunch of beautiful flowers grow over their graves. Oh, damn. I put my arm on him and said, that was really beautiful, man.

You could be a priest. Oh, thanks, man. Carol hated flowers. Oh, she hated flowers? She's allergic. Peyton's like, I'm on it, I'm on it. And he starts throwing me ones on him. No, no, that's Samantha's allergic. Peyton's like, I'm on it, I'm on it, and he starts talking about it.

No, no, that's Samantha's grave. That's Samantha's grave. No, shit, wrong one, wrong one, wrong one. You know, it's okay. I like flowers, though. I think she would appreciate it. Okay, well, I plug one of the flowers, and I give it to Daryl, and I say to remember her by.

You know what I just realized as I said that is there's a whole storyline where I was picking flowers that were in there being drug flowers because I said Carol liked flowers, so that's all. That's why I just wanted to say that. I a whole storyline where I was picking flowers that were in there being drug flowers because I said Carol liked flowers. So that's all. That's what you want to say that I don't know where I'm at. This has been a weird day.

I'm just screaming. I mean, I'm just trying to make a joke. You know, it's been a wild ride and I just want to say let's go save our fucking kids and our wives

and let's get this done. Hell yeah. Strength and honor, my dude. Strength and honor. Strength. That's a movie. Strength and honor. I put my hand up honor. Strength, that's a movie. Strength and honor. I put my hand up for a Prater high five.

Boom. Peyton, get in here. I don't know how you do a three-way one, but let's do it. You guys do the high five and then he slams his hand down on top, covering both of your hands with his high five. He's like,

he like does an anime like charge up for it and it hits you like a wet tissue. It's like nothing touched you at all. And it makes you like a wet tissue. It's like nothing touched you at all. And it makes this like... Okay, cool. So let's jump back to Glenn and Ron. All right, Ron. So you approach Benedict Cabbage Patch,

and he says, Oh, well done, well done. I didn't hear a single clash of sword nor firing of arrow. Yeah, that's just kind of the way we do it, my man. Oh, clever, clever. Me and Ron here, we're the best, strongest

fighters in all the land. We're really tough! And then Ron starts crying. Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And his mustache raises up and blinds his eyes. He's like, can't do this, no, no, no. Alright, Ron, I'll chime in where you feel appropriate

but hey listen benedict we got a lot of gold here we're gonna hire a bunch of mercenaries for an assault on ravenloft okay okay how much gold do you have does the word a lot mean nothing to you nice ron hit him with the hard tactics negum um i don't think you're that sexy. Roll, uh, persuade. Or versatile. Well, okay. Well, here's the question. Do you think he's that sexy?

Your American accent isn't great. Are you deceiving him or are you persuading him? Or are you intimidating him? What is negging? I guess it's, I guess it's a bit of all of those, isn't it? Your American accent could be better, and I can show you how. Well, that's true.

Okay, so Ron negging would be like, well, sure, you've done well with the mercenaries that you have, but maybe if you watch somebody else handle them, you'd get even better, babe. Wow. Okay, so roll persuasion. And I wink. Go ahead and roll persuasion.

It's a two. Okay. So he goes, oh, again, very, very impressive, but I'm afraid that professionalism, the rules of the mercenary guild, are quite clear on our rates, assuming that's what you were trying to negotiate me into. All right, what are your rates then?

Our mercenaries, being of the highest quality level, highest caliber, are 30 gold a month. So how much gold do you have? I quote him, three jewels, so that's 6,000 gold. You have 6,000 gold. Basically, in order to hire a mercenary, you must hire them for a month. So that's 30 gold per. So with 6,000 gold, you could hire 200 strong

bad dog mercenaries for your assault on Ravenloft. Alright, so I'm gonna come and hit you with how about 4,000 for the same amount? 4,000? What? Roll Persuasion

with Disadvantage. Because that's a lot. How about it, Sharks? Are you in? Persuasion with Disad that's a lot. How about it, sharks? Are you in? Persuasion with disadvantage is at 10 plus 9 is 19. So he goes, this is a lump sum.

Oh, I'm so sorry. You can't take away our last $2,000. Not every day you get a big old lump sum payment all of a sudden like this. That's true. If you're willing to pay...

I give you cash up front right now. If you're willing to pay all of it up now, 4K. If you're willing to pay all of it up front, I will give you a 30% discount. We solved the pyramid. Unheard of, but my word is my bond despite what I said to Ron about 20 seconds ago. And hey, Boreas, David. Yeah?

I shake him awake. I shake him awake. You said that we were also going to get a little bit from the town coffers for this as well. Pay up. Did I? Yeah. I must have. So he like just rummages around in his horrible pockets and like, like, like hot pocket wrappers come out and like, like. Hot pockets, huh? What is a hot pocket in the Forgotten Realms?

A hot pocket is somebody has killed a goblin and just stuffed its body full of like cheese and then frozen the goblin and then tied it up in like leather to like keep it nice and fresh. You reheat it. They're still frozen in the middle. Yeah, you got to keep that crisping pouch on as long as possible. The cheese is bursting out the side of the goblin again. Oh, gross. Gussing.

Oh, that's good. And he goes, yeah, and he tosses another 100 gold at you from his pockets. All right, sure. 4,000. We'll pay it right now. Yes, I will be more than happy to take it from you. So that is, yeah, it is two jewels. He holds out his hand and like sticks his butt out a little bit and sort of bows.

I hold the money in with two hands and stick up my butt a little bit and bow and put it in his hands. I stick out my butt a little bit. He goes delightful, delightful. Yes. And he raises the gems to the curl of his mustache and like, and just sort of screws them into the sides of his mustache. And now they're like little decorations on, on the curls of his mustache.

And he goes, uh, magnificent. Like Monroe piercings. Yeah. Kind of. Yeah. Glenn narrows his, and he goes, magnificent. Like Monroe piercings? Yeah, kind of, yeah. Glenn narrows his eyes and draws sharply into it. Hmm. If I negotiated,

hi, I could have one in the middle be fully symmetrical. Would you wish to accompany us on our quest, on our battle? Yes, we're going to be right in the middle, and you're going to escort us. I suppose the money has changed hands.

It is now up to you to order us around. Gentlemen! As he says that, his jowls flapping back and forth in the wind as Spittle goes in every direction, you can see that all around you, disguised as doors and shop windows and bushes and small children

are actually members of the bad dogs. One of the guys stands up and it's like, you thought it was a kid, but it was just a guy on his knees and he had drawn a child's like, holy shit outfit onto himself. And 200 strong, strapping young lads stand at attention and salute you and they say,

Bad dogs, reporting for duty. What do you want us to do? We want to let the dogs out. Who? You've to let the dogs out. Who? You've released us from our service. Thank you for using bad dogs. And they all walk away. Wait, what?

I'm joking. I'm joking. Can you imagine that? Those are the secret words. Oh, man. Hey, wait. Show me some cool moves. Roll over. So they hear, show us some cool moves and roll over at the same time.

And so they start doing this thing. I think I've seen people do this in real life. Like somebody gets on the ground and does like a barrel roll. And then somebody else does the same thing. But they sort of leap over the other person. So they're kind of like going back and forth just rolling. And it's just like, it's kind of this mesmerizing. It's like a shell game with people. Yeah, it's like a shell game with people.

Full body finger tutting. So dancing. So dancing. They dance. They pop. They lock. They stop. That's the reverse Ratatouille. I'm dancing. It's a full body finger tut. These guys look like they're pretty good. Pretty, pretty good.

As you're seeing this, Henry and Daryl come back. I think Gladiator's playing on the DVD player. Definitely the other soundtrack. I have Johnny Cash in the car, and I definitely have both Gladiator and more music from Gladiator, which is a really good acoustic Spanish guitar version of the main theme. And I'm playing the Gladiator soundtrack. So we're blasting the Gladiator soundtrack, and then we pull in and see all of the mercenaries dancing. Is that what we see?

You see them like doing like sort of drills and barrel roll like gymnastics shit. Glenn struts up to the car and says, I got us some mercenaries. Hey, everybody, we're going to Ravenloft. Let's rock. I got the hiccups. Sorry.

That happened. That happened. Hey, everybody. Excuse Glenn there. happened. That happened. Hey, everybody. Excuse Glenn there. Glenn, give that another shot, buddy. You're the goddamn general. Go ahead. Give a...

Say that again. All right. All right, Ben. I genuinely can't tell Freddy's real hiccups. No, no. I have the hiccups. I get the hiccups all the time. Darryl smacks Glenn in the back.

Come on, buddy. You can do this. Hey, bad dogs. Jesus Christ. Quick, scare him. Hey, Ron, you want to give a shot? Yeah. I actually have the hiccups.

It's so bad. It's scary that our kids are missing. You're right. Hey, bad dogs, we're going to Ravenloft. We're going to Ravenloft. Oh, boy. Okay, so they say, absolutely, absolutely. Mount up. And horses who are also hidden in small buildings, children, trash cans, trees also appear.

What I get from this is that if Ron was walking around sneaking behind trash cans and stuff, Ron was just sneaking around actual human beings. So we would have never made it anywhere in this town. Who kept their cover extremely well. These are real pros, guys. We ride! And I lean out the side of the passenger thing and march forward. I'm like, like i don't know where we're going though guys hey payton where are we where are we going payton says uh pretty much it's a straight shot north um there's do you want me to

like get you some water i'm just gonna i can speak you i'm just gonna hold my i am the scariest guy what yeah i take pain aside i say hey pan hey let's spook let's spook oh fuck yeah what are we doing i don't know man you say you're the scariest guy let's spook him we gotta get rid of his hiccups he can't lead an army with hiccups okay all right i'll talk to glenn you scare him okay hey glenn buddy hey what's up hey i know that hey come over here we're we're gonna drive we're gonna get in this minivan we're gonna blast his gladiator music and we're gonna take this army to save our kids but uh i'll turn it up make sure that they can hear yeah yeah look this way though like okay We're going to get in this minivan. We're going to blast this gladiator music, and we're going to take this army to save our kids. I'll turn it up.

Make sure that they can hear. Yeah, yeah. Look this way, though. Okay. How's it going, man? Hayden slashes Glenn's Achilles tendon. What? Wait, what? With what?

Hayden! Gotcha! Hayden! Boo! Boo! Hayden! What the fuck? I got him.

What the fuck, Hayden? I got him. My hiccups are gone. No, nope, still here. Not scary. Do the other one, Payton. No, wait, no, God. Payton's trying to saw further

and you're killing someone with his dull butter knife and he goes, are you scared yet? It's pretty scary, right? I'm kicking and flailing. I pick Payton up. I take away the butter knife. I chuck it.

I say, Payton. It hits a mad dog. Payton, I'm disappointing you. they catch it out of the air like and then sheathe it into a small butter knife sheath pain we're gonna scare somebody you can't use those i know you're a deadly weapon but you can't use that power against your friends like that yeah that's not that's not one of my real weapons i'd be using one of these and he pulls out a real knife that like is so jagged and weird looking that even pulling it out it like cuts him on his finger he goes like i, I grabbed that. I say,

okay, I'll give that to you. I'm going to give this to you when we actually go into battle. I made that. That's fine. No, I know, buddy.

It's for me, but you've proven that you can't handle these right now. I know. Ask me to skip. Oh, sorry, buddy. The worst.

I know. I hope you take a great, I know. I appreciate that. Okay. Now go in the backseat. How was it? How was the grave?

The thon? It was, it was good, Ron. It was good. Yeah. We can now go in the backseat. How was it? How was the grave-a-thon? It was good, Ron. It was good. A fun time? We found a really great spot for them. Daryl took a picture on his Nokia phone, but it's all pixely. 200 by 130 pixels. But if you want to look at it, we can show it to you.

We drew a sketch. I don't want to look at it. I just want to... Eyes on the prize, Ron. Let's go. Eyes on the prize. All right. Eyes on the prize. All right. Eyes on the prize.

All right, guys. We got an army behind us. I think we got to save our kids, man. And as a side effect, also save your wives. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As he says that, Daryl, your phone rings.

Who? Oh, none of you. Who's calling? It is Carol. Oh, I pick up. Hey, Carol. Hey, so I called Mercedes. who's calling it is carol oh i pick up hey carol hey so uh i i called mercedes and uh yeah she's trying to get together a little uh sort of a group to sort of figure out what's what's going on but

she yeah um is there anything i can is there anything i can do are you sure you're okay it sounded like things might not be okay yeah uh so you said mercedes is putting something together here let me just tell that to hen real quick. Hold on for one second. Hey, Henry, the thing that the DM just said. Daryl, I think we got to tell them, you know, primer rules. Who's got to tell them? I think we got to tell them what's up.

I don't know that we have time to sort out the timey-wimey shit on our end. I think we just got to trust them. They got a lot more time to figure it out than we do. Okay. Hey, Carol? Yeah. So yes, things are not going very well over here, and I'm just going to tell you everything, and it's probably going to sound crazy, but if you don't believe me, you can also talk to Mercedes,

but I'm just going to lay it all out there, and I know you can handle it because you're smart. You understood that movie Primer. I did not understand it. It doesn't seem as complicated as it is. I showed you the diagram. It's not as complicated as it is. I know.

I know. When he's listening to the headphones, that's his own script so that he doesn't break the timeline. I know, honey. Believe me, I wish I was as not as popular. I know. I know. When he's listening to the headphones, that's his own script so that he doesn't break the timeline. I know, honey. Believe me, I wish I was as smart as you. I know. I know. I wish I was as smart as you on that.

But, okay, so when we lost our kids, we didn't just, like, lose them in the woods or something. We would have found them at that point. We're in some strange world. We're in a totally different place. Like, we're not in America. We're in some strange land. We're in Boston. We're in Boston.

We're in some strange land, and we lost all the kids. And we've been here for a long time. We've been here for weeks. We found our kids, and somebody took them, and we know where they are. We're going to get them. And I know this is weird, but this is going to be disturbing, but we found just right now why I called you to you, which I guess was just a couple minutes ago, right? Yeah, it's been like less than a minute yeah we found you mercedes and samantha you had come to find us and you had been searching for 20 years or so and you were dead

okay okay okay i i'm saying this now because it sounds like Mercedes. She's a little, you know, it's a little new age. I mean, you know how the Oaks are. Yeah. But yeah, but, but, but to my point, they were right. Like, honestly, I don't understand this stuff, but like, I think, you know, you being the amazing woman you are, you've, you're at some point, you're going to come to try to find us because you're going to try to save us.

Cause clearly we don't come back for a long, long time. But when you do, it doesn't turn out well. Sorry. I'm saying you're saying you're just, you're saying you're not coming back. No,

no. Okay. So Daryl, tell her. Okay. Daryl. Hi. Yeah.

Go ahead and hear Henry. Henry will, we'll fill in some of those gaps. This is why I can't understand the shit. Okay. Hi, Carol. Yeah.

Hi, it's Henry. Nice to meet you. Hey, nice to over the phone. Yeah. Yeah. No, Carol? Yeah. Hi, it's Henry. Nice to meet you. Hey, hey. Nice to over the phone. Yeah, yeah. No, it's great to talk to you. Wow.

Great to e-meet you. Nice to e-meet you. Yeah. So basically, we found, like, this is going to sound really weird, but the Revenge of the, do you know the Mummy, the movie The Mummy? Of course I do, yeah. So there's the Revenge of the Mummy. My favorite Brendan Fraser movie.

Oh, okay. So we found Revenge of the Mummy, the ride. Sorry, what's the first? George of the Jungle. Okay. Okay. This is why I love her. Primer and George the jungle. She's got the whole range. Okay. So we found the ride Revenge of the Mummy, the ride in this world. And you guys were in it because you had come to find us and you thought that there's might've been a connection, but I'm just warning you that it

didn't pan out very well. And Daryl knows you're into time travel stuff, so we just wanted to let you guys know we could be causing a paradox or something by even telling you this over the phone. We think it might be like an alternate timeline where we don't come back, but we are going to come back. We're going to save the kids, and we're going to come back to you guys, but just don't go on Revenge of the Mummy the Ride. So as you say, don't go on Revenge of the Mummy the Ride, you feel a... Now I done did it. You feel a ripple

in the fabric of space-time. And behind you, the pyramid that you just exited disappears and turns into... The Luxor Pyramid from Las Vegas. The Luxor? Oh, don't go to the Luxor either!

As you say that the Luxor vanishes from space time and is replaced with the Bass Pro Shop that is the shape of a pyramid, which if you don't know what that looks like, just Google Bass Pro Shop Pyramid and that's a fucking pyramid full of fishing gear. Harry, stop. I grabbed the phone from Harry. Carol, look, here's

the thing. It's like after you didn't like Primer, I went back and I watched it a few times. Don't go to a Bass. No, stop. Don't go to a Bass. Just stop. As you say that it turns into a prize electronics that is themed like a few times. No, stop. Stop saying things. Don't go to a bath. Just stop. As you say that, it turns into a prize electronics that is themed like an Egyptian pyramid. Stop. The one thing I learned from Primer is I may not have understood everything, but the more you try to do, the worse it gets. Right, Carol?

Like, I did try to watch. I felt so bad that I fell asleep. I did watch. I mean, because you watched George of the Jungle with me, and then you ended up loving it. I felt stupid that I didn't like Primer after watching it. Carol, no matter what you do, don't get Samantha involved in this. I don't care what you guys do, just don't tell her.

Don't tell her about this. I'll do my best, but she's gonna if you guys are not coming back for a while, she'll want to know what happened. Well, you can't tell her, because then she might get herself hurt or worse, and a little backstory for you, Carol. We're all looking for our sons which you know because you also have a son that's in this fight so to speak the same son as Daryl oh wow

wow that's great well that's interesting anyway so well I have the same son as Samantha and when I look at our son he's not my son you you know? He's my stepson. He looks, I don't see myself in him. All I see is, um, well, this really manly vampire guy who sucked, but also, like, my wife Samantha. I see my wife Samantha in him, and I see her eyes and everything and I see her in him and if

she dies, Terry has nobody. Terry Jr. has nobody but me and I'm just Ron. Ron, it's going to be fine, man. Tell our wives we love them. That I can do. I love you,

Carol. I love you too. Bye. And she hangs up. Guys, I think there's nothing we can do. I think the only way out of this, I don't think there's any way out. The only way out is through. We got to get our kids back. We got to kick these purple rope guys square in their bottoms.

And we've got to get back to them. If we get back, they never go looking for us. Exactly. That's the only way. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. It's simple. It's really only way. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, it's simple.

It's really easy, guys. You hear that, dogs? I turn around. And they go, no, we were not listening. It's a fucking ride. I got no hiccups. I turn on Gladiator. We're going fucking Ravenloft.

So as the Honda Odyssey speeds off into the sunset, holding four dads, a small boy, and a lifetime of destiny, an army of 200 soldiers all on horseback. Daryl drives past the graves and makes them all salute. They do, but you can tell that the guys in the back are kind of doing it half-heartedly because they know you can't see them. Hey, I see you back there. Their backs get really straight all of a sudden.

So yeah, you basically are now leading an army of 200 men and women and non-binary people strong toward Ravenloft. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. That theme song and outro is a little ditty called All Right by Max and Waller. Thank you this week to Emma Stolman and Brittany Parsons for submitting items that we'll be using in this campaign, hopefully. Like all Patreon supporters, they get the ability to

submit items and names for us to pull from. And shout out to our loyal, good-looking Patreon supporters who have put this podcast on their backs. Fine folks with resplendent names like Abby Kay, Dakota D, Holly Ritchie, Nolan Childerhose, Dylan Bowe, Jordan May, Weston

Stacy, Victoria Zoe, John Earl and Turtle Duck 5000. Work on the Rocks Rock EP continues behind the scenes. We hope to have some updates for you on that soon. We're also going to be putting up some new pins and t-shirts on the store soon. If you want to crack at them goods when they're up,

well, the only way to do that early is by becoming a Patreon supporter at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Tons of cool perks for supporting the show. Check it out. If your thirst for merch is too much to bear, you can find some right now at our website. That's dungeonsanddaddies.com. We are at dungeonsanddads on Twitter. Bit.ly slash dungeon dads for a private Facebook group.

And r slash dungeonsanddaddies for that subreddit. Thanks so much for listening, folks. We will see you February 18th. Oh, we're skipping Valentine's Day. Well, just because we're not here, happy Valentine's Day to all of you out there. And also, happy Valentine's Day from Jordan Rickmeyer to Vincent. Which Vincent? You know which between the lines. You know they never brought you down. Never brought you down. Galaxy's Edge is great.

Is it? It's fantastic. It's a lot of fun, yeah. Galaxy's Edging. Cut that out of the podcast. That's what I did in line for the ride. Yeah. All right.