Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 28 - The Bridges of Dad and Son County

Episode Date: March 3, 2020

On a windswept bridge outside Castle Ravenloft, the dads finally confront the purple robes face to face and negotiate for their sons.This episode contains profanity, sexual content, and drug/alcohol use.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do welcome to dungeons and daddies not a bdsm podcast most of the time a dungeons and dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into the forgotten realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons my name name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This week's Glenn fact, you'll note the plum and vigor to which Glenn attempted to acquire a DJI Phantom. It's because Glenn... Freddie's a huge nerd.

It's because Glenn puts it on his list every year for nick to buy him but nick never does nick yeah buy him like a five hundred dollar drone his seventh grader wait wait wait wait wait wait so he yes okay yeah because he's like hey you don't be really chill is if you got me a drone and we could fly it and he's you know he just put it on where's he think nick is gonna get the money for this he has a very skewed idea idea of how allowance and selling laser pointers works in middle school. He was like, can't you sell laser pointers? He must be selling laser pointers or something. I mean, how is he getting all that weed?

Am I right? My God. It's so nice that you come in every once in a while to remind us that Glenn is objectively the worst dad. I'm all sitting here like, oh, nobody is like a widower. That's sad. You're like, no, fuck Glenn. When he's not plying his kid with illegal drugs,

he's asking his kid to buy him expensive toys. I think decriminalize drugs now. For seventh graders? You think for seventh graders weed is legal? Decriminalize. It better be otherwise. Glenn is like one of those brand ambassadors who like, I'm not asking for anything for my birthday this year.

I do have an Amazon wish list. Check it out. I think Glenn emailed his son his Christmas list while he was at Disneyland without him. He was like, oh, got an Amazon wish list. I do like that if Glenn does get a drone, you know he is not going to register with the FAA. And he is going to fly it in illegal areas and get it confiscated almost immediately. He's going immediately to every

national park where you cannot fly drones due to the fire hazard that the batteries pose and he's going to get those sweet shots of them Tetons maybe. Is he going to try to do it at Disneyland do you think? Disneyland is a hard no-fly zone actually for DJI. They coded in. A lot of these now will for DJI they they coded in a lot of

these now will have the GPS is like oh really yeah you just pull the GPS unit baby yeah you know he's gonna be like BYO UFO like just sort of like what are those lights he's like man if I can just get a couple of these for my insta story when we're driving through the desert I can get these lights doing some weird stuff I can get that UFO crowd following me and you get that art bell crowd fun fact about glenn is that he has no posts on instagram but like a bazillion story highlights the one post is like a tour thing from like four years ago and that's it yeah hello my name is matt arnold i play daryl wilson uh stay at home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering the forgotten realms a little dad fact about daryl Wilson, stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering the Forgotten Realms. A little dad fact about Daryl, I figured I broke

my toe and Beth also has a broken body now and a few of us have a broken body now. Maybe more specific. More specific or less specific? Choose one of the two. She's just broken. In 28 years and I've been broken the whole time. We're all broken.

Beth the broken. So I figured Daryl probably had a few broken bones. So yeah, so Daryl's broken his arm two times on his left, one time on his right. He's broken the bone three times. Once when he was nine, once when he was 20, and once when he was 36. And every single time was at the football field on the jungle gyms across the street

from the football field. The same place. Every single age was always doing something stupid, always trying to show off. 36? Of course he brought... 36 was like last year.

He broke his bone while trying to show off to Grant. Broke his bone? He was like, I still got it in me. I can still do this jungle gym checklist that he's trying to do. You know what it is? I would always as a kid try to do that cool way of flipping off a tree that they did in uh robin hood oh yeah prince of thieves kevin costner he would put his arms down then like flip off of it he does that and it breaks his arm every single time he's done it so never you gotta give him that he's persistent he's just a fun loving guy you know matt brings

up a very interesting and weird thing when you're like daryl's 36 like like there's only three years older than me i'm 33 going on 34 but it's weird like well i don't think about how old the dads are right like they just are dad it's just there's just dad age any dad it's like any dad is 20 years older than me yeah right it doesn't matter right but it's weird to think of like yeah hen Henry's probably like only like a couple years older than me, which is very, I'm like, he's just a man. He's just a 38 year old man.

Like this is very upset. You have lots of friends who are dads. I see one in here. Yeah. But like, but like, Oh wow. Yeah.

Right. Oh my God. And the second you had a kid, you immediately looked 20 years older than me. They walk among us. They walk among us. I feel weirdly. I know what you mean.

I feel the same way about the characters on Seinfeld. I've accepted that I'm older than the people in Friends, but as far as I'm concerned, I watched Seinfeld when I was in middle school, so they will always be like, how much older they were than me in middle school when I saw the show. Hey, everyone.

You might be wondering, who's this voice you're listening to? I'm Will Campos, and I play Henry Oak, Birkenstock-rockin', crunchy, munchy, granola, druid, hippie, nature druid dad on this podcast, Dungeons & Daddies.

Fun fact about Will is that every time I go to do Henry's little run of crunchy, munchy, whatever, I forget it. I don't know how... It's been a year, Will. I think I say it different every single time. It's really good, though. It's just a word salad.

Yeah, no, the word salad, it's tossed nicely. Like, every time I really buy it. Tossed word salad and scrambled eggs, all right. Frasier will be older than everyone forever. Yes. Frasier is daddy. And Niles is daddy. Can we please come up with a Frasier one-shot,

and we can all play Frasier? There's definitely an RPG system called Toss Out and Scrambled Eggs. Wait, really? I'm not joking. I would play Eddie. Mandatory.

It's just the Frasierverse and we're all different like multiverse incarnations of Frasier. I could probably off the dome be like each one of you who you are in Frasier.

Do it right now. Right now. Anthony, Roz, Nat. That's just a no-brainer. Fucking great. Freddie is Freddie is I'm unclass great. Freddie is, Freddie is. Yeah, see, I'm unclassifiable, baby. Freddie's Martin.

He's got like a Martin energy for sure. Freddie's a Martin. Freddie's got that grumpy Martin energy. I don't know what this means. Freddie's Martin having a bad day. Matt is the Frazier of the podcast. I hate to admit it. I'm the Niles because I'm the more exaggerated, annoying version of Matt.

And then I was going to be like, Beth is Eddie. She's the fan favorite. Eddie got more fan mail than anyone else on Frasier. And it made Frasier very upset. I lied. It's actually called Boss Dragons and Scrambled Eggs. Yeah. The Frasier RPG.

Literally the first sentence of the rules is oh baby i hear adventure calling that is extremely good i'm very upset um henry's dad fact this week is that everything henry cooks is a la henry like whatever he makes it it's like hey here's mac and cheese a la henry does he do like a henry if it's french if French, he would never make escargot. But if he makes, he has like a vegan escargot that's like, I don't know, it's like tempeh with butter. At a certain point, isn't that just like tofu with a shitload of butter? It's tofu.

No, with margarine because it's not butter either. Oh, you're right. Shit. It's just wet tofu. Escargot a la Henri. So just wet tofu with seashells. Wet tofu that looks like a snail sounds appets. Wet tofu that looks like a snail. Sounds appetizing. Wet tofu that looks like a snail.

If he's making something that already has an a la in it, it can go a couple different ways. Like if he was going to make vegan chicken a la King, it'd be vegan chicken a la King a la Henry. But if he was making apple pie a la Mode and he made the apple pie, it'd be apple pie a la Henry a la

Mode. Unless... Alright, I'm done. He also made the apple pie it'd be apple pie a la henry a la mode unless i'm done he also made the ice cream in which case it would be apple pie a la henry a la mode a la henry oh and because henry made it it's a lot of germs because he never washed his fucking hands i've stated how dare you sir i've stated canonically on this podcast that Henry Oak washes his hands before he cooks food. It's one of the seven times he washes his hands. I yield the remainder of my time. Thank you. We're doing a roll call here.

Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that, like many dads, ron's uh signature his legal signature looks absolutely nothing the fuck like his actual name it just may be like an r that could be a k and then a couple of um like hard squiggles a couple of hard squiggles hard heart monitor squiggles. And that's his signature.

How hard is Ron's signature to forge? Oh, it's extremely easy. Really? No, I feel like if anything, Ron forges his signature off of Terry's. Like Terry Jr. is so good at forging Ron's signature that that's how Ron learns how to use it. It's like when Ron signs a permission slip, the teacher's like, you didn't sign this. And he's like, oh shit, I got to get Terry to sign my signature's like when Ron signs a permission slip, the teacher's like, you didn't sign this. And he's like, ah, shit, I gotta get Terry to sign my signature,

so it looks more like my signature. Yeah, because previously, I think he just wrote the word Ron, and that was it, but yeah. Hi, I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad. Hi. Hi, Anthony.

Sorry, who are you again? I'm your dad. I'm your father. Oh, I'm mad at dad today. Why are you mad at dad? He took away one of our favorite toys. Oh, Scam Likely? Yeah.

Yeah, that's growing up, baby. You enjoy a thing for a while, and then life just takes it from you. You got to deal with the void. Your new toy is the Scam Likely-shaped hole in your heart. Anthony's like gritty God of War dad these days. Yes. He's going to make us kill a deer in front of him. It's life, boy.

Pretty much. Yep. Welcome to our fun Dungeons & Dragons podcast, where if I see you like somebody too much, I will get rid of them. So to summarize what you were all doing last time, you were basically on the march to Castle Ravenloft. So you basically saw that it's connected to this mountain range surrounding it by one little land bridge. And otherwise, it's sort of this island in the center of this massive canyon of mountain ranges and stuff. And so you convince Scam Likely to go in and get

the Orb of Dragonkind. How the fuck do they not call it a Dragon Ball? Infuriate. Because then you want to find six more. And break Scam Likely back to life.

Yeah. Oh, that'd be great. How do we extend the podcast? Guys, we got to break Scam back to life. We're going to have to go to the seven continents of the Forgotten Realms

to get a Dragon Ball. Before you go into the castle. Just walk away from the castle with all the mercenaries. I don't know. I wanna meet Mark Likely. Is he Mark Likely? I guess he's his brother, right?

Yeah. So yeah, you sent Scam Likely in to negotiate for the Orb of Dragonkind or to scam the Orb of Dragonkind. He went in, managed to successfully scam it out of their hands,

but on his way out, they realized that he was tricking them. He tried to escape on the back of the hands, but on his way out, they realized that he was tricking them. He tried to escape on the back of the gold dragon that defends Castle Ravenloft, and as he began to fly away, a beam of purple energy shot out from the tallest

tower in the castle, hit him straight through the head, and he fall- he falled down, I almost said? He falled down. He falled down. Professional writer, Anthony Birch. He fall down, comma, went boom, comma. Dead now. Dead now. Dead now, question mark? What?

No, he's dead. Oh. The problem is, a character named Scam Likely, I'll never be able to actually conclusively prove that he's dead. That's the greatest scam of all. Yeah. But it sure seems like he died. Yeah, because imagine if Tupac's name was like, you know, he never died.

My name is when you least expect it. Yeah, my name is Death Faker. It's like, well, shit. My rap name's Death Faker. Do you think he died in that car crash? Actually, you know, it's funny. His name... The greatest trick the devil ever pulled

was calling me three times a day and me never answering. Basically, where you're at right now is you just saw Scam likely die. The golden dragon he was riding is sort of uh just flapping its wings they're kind of unsure what to do because the person who's holding his control orb just died so that control is he's like the controller's unplugged yeah exactly and it's sort

of waiting it's sort of everything's just sort of uh on an animation that's looping also you saw through the dji drone that there is yet another sponsorship that we just gave away. Just free to the wind. To DJI. You know my Twitter. I'm instantly piloting that drone straight up to where the laser bolt came from. Great. Okay, I like that.

And I'm like shaking. I'm just like, I still can't believe Scam died. We got to see what shot him. We got to see what shot him. You don't want to be shaking with the drone because it's real fidgety. It is.

It's moving like weird, like loop-de-loops. It's getting there. But also, I'm'm trying to avoid it. You can see Daryl's rage and sorrow in the shaky arc of the DJI Phantom. The quadcopter as it rises in the air. You see in the tallest parapet, I guess, of the castle, the same image that you saw briefly when this game likely turned around and showed you the image that was being displayed by the projector in the foyer.

You see the three people in purple robes. And then behind a sort of blue magical barrier, you see your children. And the tallest of the purple robes is holding his hand outstretched and purple smoke is coming from it. Wait, so is he? Oh, so he's that this is not an image. This is like we're seeing this is where they're recording themselves from. As far as you can tell, that is that is that. is that that's them okay it's not on the screen or something yeah i mean basically yeah you would be also be able to see the webcam essentially there's

there's a webcam on one wait wait is there a webcam is literally a webcam wait what guys the guys the purple world dudes are up there with a webcam and our children they've got tech that is the most threatening sentence i've ever heard in my entire life that is the rowdiest most horrible sentence anybody's ever said on this podcast it's not your fault you just said the purple guys are up there with our kids in a webcam yeah well you put them there anthony i'm just describing what i saw wait can we just look closer at this magical barrier this blue thing is there anything specific about what are the kids doing back there like i'm yeah so the kids are sitting

looking alternately bored and like kind of scared depending on the child like i think lark and sparrow are probably uh which one's the love wolf the love wolf one is like scared the crazy one is like bouncing in his seat essentially grant is just looking into the middle distance because his soul is dead terry jr terry jr is just very depressed looking and uh nick close is kind of like bored and trying to crane his head around and see what the dude just did and and uh the purple guy just shot at and all that kind of stuff i see does grant have the orb with him so when he got abducted by the purple robes you gave him the orb and told him to hide it, right? Yes.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to roll Sleight of Hand on him, and if he can beat the Purple Robes, then retroactively we'll say that he managed to hide it from them permanently. Hot dice. But we wouldn't know. Correct, you wouldn't know, but I will know.

Yes. Because if he did hide it from them, you wouldn't be able to see it because he'd be hiding it. Yeah, that's true. I was thinking maybe he's like bouncing around, like, you know, like, like he's fucking,

like he's Steve McQueen in the Great Escape just like throwing it at the fucking ground. He's doing contact juggling with it. This is my contact juggling orb and you guys can't take it away from me.

I'm like, how does, forsooth, look how it feels to float in the air. So I know if they found it or not. Okay, so we don't. Okay.

Well, I said what I said to everybody else. That's what I'm seeing, everybody. Oh, oh, oh guys, we're in a gym jam here i just it just hit me that not only did we lose scamb likely we also lost the badass commander of the mercenary army is is also dead as far as the mercenaries are concerned they saw their leader from behind walk into this thing attempt to ride a dragon and and then die. Well, they also saw him rip off his mustache and do a really weird voice.

They're like, did he go insane? Anthony, I want to do a vibe check on the mercenaries. How are they doing? Okay, roll a perception. Roll vibe check. I mean, they better be good because they're professionals.

I got a natural one on that. Oh, could be anything. Guys, I can tell you what the vibe is. Hello, Mr. Mustache. Okay, well, I guess tell you what the vibe is. Hello, Mr. Mustache. Yeah, what's up? Okay, well, I guess I have to be the leader of the mercenaries now, huh? And then also, like, the scam master. Heavy weighs the mustache.

It does. It does weigh heavy. So I'm going to say your vibe is good, everybody. Good vibes. Thank you. Why don't you roll persuasion? That's an advantage roll, certainly. Sure.

With the mustache. Oh, true. I got a 15. And with a plus zero for persuasion, that means a 15 total. Right. I feel like that'll do it. So they've just accepted Ron as their new commander because of his alpha mustache.

I feel like you probably said that stuff. You told them what the answer to their own vibe check is. And then the mustache probably like, the mustache like saluted, like it was saying goodbye to Scam Likely. Like the tendril of the mustache, just like to the center of it. So it looks like it was saying goodbye to scam likely, like the tendril of the mustache, just like, like to the center of it.

So it looks like it's saluting. It's game likely is passing. Yeah. And the bad dogs around you sort of see that and they do the same thing and they salute scam likely, or I guess to them, Benedict cabbage patch, but crazy.

And with no mustache. Um, and they look to you and they say, what do we do, sir? Well, really quickly. I just want to re canonically,

uh, canonically. Um, really quickly I just want to re-canonically I just want to canonically re-establish that what Ron looks like right now is a man with a double mustache

that's kind of like merkeley brown and black with no pants but only boxers that say cool guy on them it's kind of like the beginning of Breaking Bad yeah he's only got hair on one leg say cool guy on them. It's kind of like the beginning of Breaking Bad. Yeah, and then he's only got hair on one leg.

Just like Breaking Bad. And a huge dick. No, that's fine. It's okay. He doesn't have to have a huge dick. But he does. He doesn't have to, but he sure does. Yeah, that was a gift from God, not a requirement.

Okay, so Okay. Okay, so... Okay. Bad... Bad dogs. First things first. Sit, stay, good dogs. Okay, guys, hey, guys. What's up, Ron?

Are you talking to us or the bad dogs right now? Oh, sorry. No, I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. I mean, the dad, you. Like, the dog, not. Okay, yeah, what's up, Ron? Are you talking to us or the bad dogs? Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. I mean, the dad, you like the dog. Not. Okay. Yeah.

What's up? Okay. It seems like you really commanded the respect of these bad dogs. I really have. But the whole like commanding respect versus commanding an army thing. That's where I'm experiencing some difficulty. I bet you it's not that different. Okay.

First of all, I just want to say, ron the first person you have to command respect from is yourself so you know i want you to know that we respect you and you should respect you too and you know i you can't you gotta you gotta start from within you know so i just wanted to put that out there you know just you know as a as a thing maybe you could make like a battlefield promotion and we could see like there i'm sure he had a number two that you know payton is immediately like somebody say promotion somebody said number two hello um i could be your second command yeah um let's see i guess uh daryl glenn henry and payton you guys are all promoted to general current colonel, yes. I walk over straight to pay and I go, not you, little buddy.

Yeah, you remember what you did to Glenn? I was already punished for that, I believe. You took the knife. That is a separate occasion. That's a new day, baby. Guys, now that I have that... You're talking to a general colonel, thank you. And I just want to be clear, you know, he did slash up my Achilles tendon, but he is right, double jeopardy. If we start doing

that, then who knows what shambles of a legal system we'll have left. Well, guys, now that we're like, you're really the head of the crew, so to speak, I actually have an idea. Let's hear it. So we've been able to communicate with these hooded fellas when we were asleep and they couldn't do anything really to hurt us when we were asleep. I was wondering if we fall asleep right now and then we get the bad dogs to be watchdogs and then while we're asleep, maybe we use that gun

to compel them to say something that lets us know what they're after besides our kids. So Ron, you're saying like a real nightmare on Elm Street three dream warriors. Do we bring the gun into... Can you bring the gun into the dream? besides our kids or... So, Ron, you're saying like a real nightmare on Elm Street three dream warriors. Can you bring the gun into the dream?

And also, they could just kick us out of the dream. They did do that one time. I was going to say we could at the very least, again, just in case everybody... The kids are in that tower and they shot a sniper bolt or something at us. We could also write a note on the drone and fly it up to the window and be like, Yo, fucking give us the kids.

You up? Yeah, you up. We need to talk to them. What would you do if I was here right now? Pics, please. Yeah, that's a good idea. Bring the drone back. All right, so the drone goes back to you.

All right, I can get a pen. What is the note you were going to write on this drone? Should we tell them we have a whole army outside and we want our kids back, no trouble? And then also, you can talk because we can hear them, but they just can't hear us. They can talk to the drone. Oh, they can talk to the drone? Yeah.

We've got to be really snappy about the language here so that we can just sort of convince them, but also it's not too much of a challenge to read. So let me get the little post-it note here or something or actually i'll attach one of my business cards to so i'm gonna write you up talk to drone bitch um what else was where we go we want we want our kids back, kids back. With an extra K. Big, big army.

Smiley face. Smiley face with tongue out. Eggplant emoji. So you drew an eggplant emoji. Yeah. The drone just flies up to the window, and you see the shortest of the three purple robes go like, oh, shit.

They got a phantom. And Nick is in the back being like, ah, my dad's here. Nick's like, my dad! It's literally the scene from Die Hard where it's like, only my dad can make somebody that irritated. What's he doing? His job. Now I have a DJI

phantom. So the shortest one comes up to your drone and, like, takes the notes, and you can hear the mumbling. I don't know. I have an eggplant emoji. It reaches into its cloak and pulls out a stone. It licks the stone, sticks it on top of the drone,

and then, like, does a, like, go back kind of motion, like a pushing away with sand kind of motion. Can we not see under this hood with the drone? Yeah, no, you can't. It's magical. It's a magic hood. It's a magical dark robe. He really pulls it down.

There's like a rock attached to it now? No, it's like a hoodie and he's like pulling the, you know, pulling the... Yeah, he's like a tiny little nose pony. It's like Kenny

from South Park, yeah. He attached a rock to it and is now beckoning the drone essentially to go away. Guys, this could be a trap. Maybe he puts some kind of bomb on it.

They don't want to kill us. This whole thing's been about, they were like, you know, I'm pretty sure. Hey, Doug. They're from, all right. Go and receive the drone in that empty field over there behind us. I'll do the orders.

Thank you very much. Oh, okay. Sure. Sorry, General Colonel. Yeah. Hey, Doug, just do what Glenn said, please. All right, I fly the drone over and landed kind of like 100 feet from all of us. So Doug can go get the rock.

We really get a man. Henry's like, Doug, stay right there. This is absurd. Henry goes up to the drone. Okay. So Doug's like, well, I mean, I need the credit. All right. You're still going to get course credit.

Don't worry about it. Doug, I'm disappointed in you. You made Henry go do that. I wanted to do it. Are you just going to investigate this? So basically, the rock is on there. So why don't you roll Arcana? Arcana.

Right when he's about to pick it up, I start the drone and move it away from him a little bit. Very funny, Daryl. It's hilarious. Hey, careful, man. Those things can cut you real bad. Arcana. Can they really? Yeah.

Do not. An 11 Arcana. Okay, that's enough. So it is a speaking stone Which is basically a fantasy walkie talkie Hey that's funny because we were talking about Sending a walkie talkie but they just sent a walkie talkie Instead it's great

Alright I pick it up and I say Hello Wait no I say yellow So you hear one of the purple robes go Henry Hey you got Henry. Who's this? This is the author of all your pain.

It's Blofeld? Shit. I should come up with something that's not from Spectre. It's hard, I know. Spectre's such a purple robe. What a classic. It's me. It's one of the guys with the purple robes.

Oh, hey, yeah. I have your sons hey well we've got a big army out here so what we were thinking is let's just give us our sons back and we won't have to invade your castle we just disabled your big dragon unfortunately our good friend scam likely you know fell to what appears to be his death question mark maybe maybe not who knows he could come back at some point but uh it seems like this dragon was kind of your big centerpiece, and he doesn't seem to be doing that much right now.

So why don't you just give us our kids back, and we can pretend this whole thing never happened, and we can all call it a day. Henry, Henry, Henry. The dragon is not to protect us. The dragon is to dissuade, attack. We don't need a dragon to protect us. Trust me.

But I'm glad you're here, because all we really wanted to do was talk. Ideally face to face, but this can do, especially if you want to bring the drone back. We didn't come face to face. Why'd you guys come out here and talk to us face to face? You can come to us. You could come to us too though. Yeah, but we came all this way over here. We've come

farther to you. We were in a completely different realm. So like, you know, I just want to say like... So what's a couple more steps? Okay, can we split the difference between, I don't know, Los Feliz and Englewood and just say that we can meet in downtown or mid-city?

Why don't you actually roll persuasion because the idea of both of you meeting at a sort of center point is not terrible and you have a really cool dramatic bridge. In downtown LA. In downtown LA. In downtown LA.

That's another 15 plus persuasion of zero, which means 15. All right. 15 was what it was going to take. The rope says, okay, so we could go to the center of that bridge and talk it out. Yeah. Center of the bridge, huh? Hold on one second. And then I like cover the rock thinking that that's going to do anything.

Sure. What do you guys think? Should we meet when I'm up in the center? It seems better than meeting them in the castle, right? the rock thinking that that's going to do anything. Sure. What, what do you guys think? Should we meet when I'm up in the center? It seems better than meeting them in the castle, right? Yeah. I'm scared of is Aaron said something about the more we know, like now I'm kind of worried that they said that all they want to do is

talk. Cause like whatever the bad guys, whatever the bad guys want to do is usually bad. And you know, I'm not a biggest fan of Aaron. As you know, I think she cheated us if I were to be Frank, but she did warn us and said, the more we know, the worse it would be. So I'm just like biggest fan of Erin as you know I think she cheated us if I were to be frank but she did warn us

and said the more we know the worse it would be so I'm just like what if one of us is listening uh hey uh uh we're gonna get right back to you okay bye how do I turn this off uh you don't it just it just always speaks no no that doesn't make any sense that would be useless as an item

yeah you just you just think that you don't want it to be on anymore. I'm going to do that. We'll call you right back. I quickly dig a hole in the ground and I shove it in there and put dirt on top of it. Good call. Or ultimately we give to Doug and just, Doug, just blow on this. You can hear what they're saying. We could do two of us

talk and then two of us sneak. Do you know what I mean? Save the kids. We have the Demidome sword and we could fashion together a zip line and two people could go zip into the castle. We could try to check if Grant has the orb. How are we? How we do that? Well, we could fly the drone up there and have him like, you know, the drone says like,

do you have the orb? And he sees the drone, he can nod or shake his head. Oh, and you could do that while we're distracting them by talking. Because the only thing I'm concerned about is if they did find it, if I was them and I found the orb, I'd like throw it in like a chasm or like in lava. Oh, I have an idea. Here's an idea as well. Doug could pilot the drone there while we meet them.

Doug could pilot the drone and, you know, Peyton could help. That could be like an intern task that they work on together. I feel like they need more teamwork. But I was going to say. I don't want Peyton with Doug. Peyton already seems to be going through some things. And he did. Are we all just thinking he slashed Glenn and Doug murdered a man?

Yeah, I'm not making a point. I've really lost track of what is and isn't acceptable for children to do in this world. I'm just going to put that out there. What he did was wrong, is all I'm saying. Peyton, you heard me. What you did was wrong. I wasn't actually going to injure, injure him. You did injure him. It gave him a little spook. A little fun spook. And you know what? He didn't hiccup anymore.

I'm basically a doctor. I'm going to pass this for a doctor in this world. I'm going to bring this back on subject for a second. What we could also do, hear me out, what if we go talk to them, but like in a little story called The Odyssey, wherein Odysseus

and his men did not want to hear what the sirens had to say, we could plug our ears and pretend that we know what they're saying just to keep them out there a long enough. It's pretending they're listening. Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Yes, dear.

Yeah. Absolutely. Ron puts the Walkman on. Oh, that's right. Ron's got a Walkman. Ron's got a Walkman. I've got my AirPods. We could just plug our ears up.

And then my thought is we just pretend like we're listening to what they're saying. And meanwhile, you're figuring out if Grant's got that thing. Well, Doug will do because I think if- Doug, yes, if they see you flying a drone, they're going to be like, what's up with that? Yeah, I think if all of us aren't on the bridge, they're going to wonder why we have our stone in the car. We'll write a note to Doug that says like, hey, Grant, like if you have the stone, use it.

Give them instructions on how to use it. Yes. And say, everyone hold on to the stone and then. Oh, shit. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah.

All right. Well, this seems like half a plan. Now, hold on. Now, hold on. If it doesn't work, what then? Because, shit, yeah. Okay. Alright, yeah. Alright, well, this seems like half a plan. Now, hold on, hold on. If it doesn't work, what then? Because there's a chance that they've discovered... Then what we'll do is just whatever we say, we totally hear you, we totally understand, we're going to go back and talk

about it more. We got to ask our wives. We got to ask our wives. I got to ask the old ball and check. Well, I'm not going to say that about Mr. Eddie's old Garcia, but we got to check. It's a partnership. Yeah, it's my beautiful, beautiful ball and check. I have to ask the old ball and check. Well, I'm not going to say that about Mercedes O. Garcia, but we got to check. It's a partnership. Yeah, it's my beautiful, beautiful ball and check. I have to yes.

So here's what it'll be. If it's a no, the drone flies out, and we can see it. They'll make a signal with the drone, so we'll know that they don't have it. That'll be our cue to be like, we got to regroup. Or we can do, hey, Peyton. Yeah, what's up? So I'm still disappointed in you.

I don't know why. But here's the job. I didn't think. Here's the job for you, buddy. We can do it. You were hearing about what we're going to talk about, the drone you're going to send up, right? Of course I was going to drop a yes. Of course, of course.

I know you were. So if it's a yes. If it's a yes, the kids can just honk the horn in the van because that's where the thing is. If it's yes, they're going to teleport out of there. Okay. If it's a no. If it's a no, Peyton goes, I made a boom boom in my pants. I am not under no circumstance. I am dignity. Peyton, if you say that, though in my pants. I am not under no circumstances.

I am dignity. If you say that, though, we've got an out. Although, how are we going to hear Peyton if our ears are closed? No, he's just going to scream. What's your best animal impression? You can do that as loud as you can. It doesn't get very loud. What's the loudest animal impression you can do?

The loudest animal impression? Can anybody in this army just do a call or a signal? That means no. As loud as I can. They all start barking. Yeah. If it's a no, we'll hear barking from over the hills. Nobody will be suspicious. We will have our ears plugged.

That's my only problem with this plan. Henry, that's why you're here, man. I would have just been there on the bridge and be like, where's the signal? Ron, what do you think? I agree with this plan because I invented it and I'm your commander. That's a fucking leader.

I'm actually going to bring my skip it weapon with me just in case things go sour. Yeah, I'm bringing my weapons obviously in another odyssey adjacent sort of move we could make a giant horse and then they could all the dogs could be in the horse and then we're like here's a horse and they're like oh i'm gonna look inside this horse and then that's how we get them ron that's actually a pretty good idea if the conversation seems like it's going poorly say that we do have a big ceremonial wooden horse for them yeah at the very least it's just like a starting point for the negotiation just like a

thank you from us to them that's like a good backup plan for sure who knows absolutely also like if they know because here's the thing they have a webcam so like also their response if they say like that sounds cool it's like okay they're forgotten roms but they're, because here's the thing, they have a webcam. Also, their response to that, if they say, that sounds cool, it's like, okay, they're from the Golden Roads, but they're like, hey, that's the Trojan horse. They're like, they're from our world, right? Interesting point. That's true. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they know what it is. If somebody sounds off in the comments, like, yo, that's a reference from Gladiator. That's my favorite part of Gladiator. All right, should we do this? Explain this whole plan to me again, beat by beat. It's a simple plan, Anthony. Yeah. You dumb fuck.

Let me just see if I've got this straight, gentlemen. The plan is to drink till the pain's over, but what's worse... The plan is we go up to talk to them. Meanwhile, Doug is flying a drone up to the tower to see if... What's your son's name again? Grant, right. I knew that. Yeah, Grant.

Classic dad move for getting your kid's friends' names. If Daryl Jr. has the teleportation orb. And meanwhile, we're distracting the rope guys, and we've got our ears plugged in case they have magic juju they want to run us by talking to us and making us learn more about them, because as our good friend Aaron O'Neill pointed out,

that could be a thing that they try to do. While that's going on, we're finding out the situation with the teleportation orb. If the teleportation orb is there, they're going to beam back to the van. If it's not, the drone does a loop-de-loop and we know it's time to get out of there we say whatever's going on look we're gonna need to talk to our wives first you know which is kind of my move when i'm car shopping you know and then they go oh or at a timeshare presentation i gotta talk to the missus first so we're gonna say that to them and then just peace back to the van i just want to clarify that for me it's not our good

friend aaron o'Neill. It's our partner who was very rude. And frankly, I'm not a big fan of nobody holds a grudge. Just making sure. I'm just going to put this out there and I'm not accusing you of anything, but I just want to say if Aaron O'Neill was a man, would you be calling her like assertive and like, you know,

a hard bargainer? I think if Aaron O'Neill was a man, you wouldn't have given half of our money for no reason I think somebody was feeling a little bit patronizing I don't know I that's neither here nor back back get him get him get him

Doug do you think you can handle this drone I mean I guess I'll find out pretty quick huh how good are you at I've never I literally never seen you've never done before in my life get some practice laps okay so he's gonna he's gonna roll with it oh wow okay he actually did okay on that one natural no it was just yeah it was a 17 so apparently he's like okay well you can crash it basically if you got less than 15 i was gonna say he crashed it um but no he didn't crash it so he's gonna roll again basically every time he

succeeds in one of these roles he's gonna get a plus one to his actual like for the for doing it on the night oh that's cool yeah Anthony coming up with these mechanics practicing another thing to point out dads is should one of us listen oh hmm what if we brought pay then what if we are interpreted

then we would have to listen to pay then may not be bad I don't want I don't know I don't feel like I want to know I want to trust but if somebody is immediately like to be a but if somebody could listen. Peyton is immediately like, put me in, coach. Put me in. I can do this. If somebody could listen to it and could help us, just let us know if we should know what was said or not. That requires someone with some, like, verbal

skills, you know. It's your boy. It's your boy. Me. Peyton. Peyton. Smartest guy you know. I talk all the time. If we, okay, but like, I'm kind of like, if Peyton knows, is that going to make them more powerful? Do you know what I mean? I can't pledge what I would.

Well, it's a matter of how seriously we take whatever he says. That's true. That's true. And so, as a commander, I say, Peyton, is this something you'd be interested in doing, is listening, and then knowing what they say for realsies? Peyton salutes you and goes, put me in coach. I'm a great listener. I'm a great communicator. You all know that. We don't need you to be good at communicating. That's one of the worst skills a leader could have. So, yeah, if you just know,

if you're good at knowing, then we'll be good at not knowing. So what I'll do is, if it feels like they're saying something important, I'll pull my ears to say, hey, unclog your ears, listen to what they're saying. And if what they're saying seems like it's scary and it might be bad, I'll just sort of shake my head really, really, really hard and be like, no, don't listen. Maybe I'll point in the opposite direction. I don't know about this one, guys. You want me to do something more subtle? I can do something more subtle. I think it's not...

I'll scratch my nose. Scratching your nose is good. Scratching your nose, scratch your nose if you think it's something we shouldn't listen to. I'll scratch my nose because it smells fishy.

Don't nose. I don't nose if you should listen to this. But it's also just when we're done, he can just brief us on what was said, whether or not we should know it. That's true, yeah. He doesn't even have to... We don't have to change

listening or not listening. Yeah, but I mean, I will be summarizing versus you hearing it from the horse's mouth. Yeah. He doesn't even have, we don't have to change listening or not listening. I will be summarizing versus saying you hearing it from the horse's mouth. Yeah, that's right. The other part of our plan was if things go awry, we say that we have a wooden horse to offer. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. Okay. Peyton, if you think that we need to bring out the horse guns, so to speak, you have a horse gun. Boy, don't we. Do not. That's Ron's slang for his fucking rig.

Maybe just do a quick little gallop motion with your front two paws. Okay. I can do that. No problem. With your hands, I mean. Yeah, you want me to gallop with my hands. Yeah. So you want me to gallop with my hands.

Yeah, just a quick little gallop. There you go. Yep, do that again once more for the podcast audience here. So I'm putting my hands out in front of me like a T-Rex? No, just do the motion. Oh, just the motion? Yeah, that'll go well. Just like that.

That's great. It's like you're a T-Rex who's trying to swat a fly. My role in talking to the robot figures while we are on the bridge is I'm going to respond with dialogue that make it seem like I am listening and responding to what they're saying. But actually, I am just listening to the walk. Noncommittal. Yeah. Exactly. Yes.

So Doug asks, are you setting me up with the drone? Is the drone going to have a message on it? Yeah, yeah. We're going to write the message instructing the kids how to use this stone if they have it. Okay, cool. Peyton's going to be with you. Doug is going to be using a drone. I rolled three times for him.

In all times, he got under 15. He's just going to have a straight up or down D20 roll. Gentlemen, before we go in, I want to do a dad huddle. Bring it in. Hey guys, I just wanted to say this could be our last dad huddle for a while. This is it. This is the end zone.

Do you know what I mean? To put it in terms that Daryl might understand. Hell yeah. I hold her way tighter. I just want to let you all know, whatever happens in there, whatever goes on from this point forward, it's been an honor getting to know each and every one of you as dads. Same, buddy. Same, man.

I feel the same. Oh yeah, Payne, you're in this one. Of course I'm in this one. I think we do a hands in the middle doodlers. Doodlers. Okay. Three, two, one. A doodler.

You sneezed on my hand. All right, I pick up the rock. Robe, gentlemen. Yeah. Robes, we're ready. We're ready to talk. All right, we will meet you on the bridge leading to Castle Ravenloft. You start walking toward the Castle Ravenloft,

where your kids are being held, where the purple ropes that have caused so much trouble for you over this past, you know, however many weeks it's been, months it's been. And as you get closer, you also remember that that dragon is still sort of floating in the air, just sort of flapping its wings a little bit confused. I kind of tap it around the shoulder and I'm like pointing at the dragon like, oh yeah, the dragon.

Shoot, we forgot about the dragon. It's not floating over the bridge, but it's there. So as you guys walk up onto the land bridge connecting the mountain range to the castle, the front door, the portcullis, raises up, and you see the three purple robes for the first time in the flesh, eye to eye. Simultaneously to that, around the back of the castle, Doug is going to try to pilot the drone.

So first, the purple robes are going to roll perception with advantage because they have no reason to think this is on the level because you're you. First roll is a two. Second roll is a 14. All right, so now he's going to roll drone stealth. Opposed. This is going to be the first ever drone stealth roll in D&D. Rolled a 14. Roll to 14.

Oh, shit. So they don't notice. But you see the drone sort of zoom. It's just this little speck of what color DJI drone did you get? It will actually have some LEDs on it so you know the orientation. So it'll be green for forward and red for back. So you can see the red side of it. So you see a green and a red is sort of moving horizontally perpendicular to you, zooming around the back of the castle. The tallest robe kind of

cocks its head for a second. And as it sort of turns to look, it's already disappeared behind the castle. You are standing on the precipice of a thousand foot drop as howling, biting cold winds of snow and ice scratch your face and buffet your body. Your buttocks. It buffets your buttocks. Nice. It takes not inconsiderable amount of effort to make sure that you stay upright. Oh, good. What?

I was like, oh, good. We have to stay upright. I'm just nervous. Yeah. You are definitely in a precarious position. If a really bad stiff wind came, who knows? You might get blown over the side. Nobody fart.

You basically have a moment to have a 30-second conversation, if you might get blown over the side fart you basically have a moment to have a 30 second conversation if you so wish with the dragon before the purple robes will reach you on the bridge okay i cast speak with animals and i say hey mr dragon mrs mr Whatever your pronouns are. My name is Raymond. Raymond. Yes. Raymond the Dragon. Raymond Dio. Raymond Dio? Yes. I feel like that's... Like Ronnie James Dio, man.

Fuck yeah. I don't know how I could hear that. Okay, we only have a little bit of time here, Glenn. Okay, yeah. Mr. Dragon, we're here to rescue our sons on a mission of noble mercy, and we've come a very long way, and we hope that, you know,

you seem like you were cruelly enslaved by these awful robe guys, so we just hope maybe, you know, you seem like you were cruelly enslaved by these awful robe guys. So we just hope maybe, you know, you can either like bow out on this one or like maybe be on our side in the clutch. Okay, roll persuasion. God, I have to fucking, God damn it. I rolled a two.

So you say all that and the dragon goes, I'm good. And then it flies away. It just enjoys its freedom and bounces. Okay, that's better than the alternate, I guess. Dang, Henry, what'd you say to that cool dragon, dude? Some dragons just don't... Guy, I'm

just not a very charming person. So the three purple robes approach you and you have earbuds and earplugs in, right? Yeah, I put the Walkman earpieces in my ears and I'm listening to music, but I'm ready to act as if I am not. I step forward, I say, Daryl Wilson, I can't say nice

to meet you, but I'm glad you could all talk. And I put my hand out. Let's see, do they want to shake your hand? Yeah. Okay. So the medium sized guy reaches out and shakes your hand. Can I perceive if it's a hand i've ever shook before go ahead and if it's a hand you've shaken before or if i can't tell anything from the hand especially if it's a hand i've shaken before hand sets this is 16 plus daryl's handshake ability which is plus 20 now um i got 36 perception 17. Okay, so with a 17, you can tell that this particular hand you have never shaken before.

Okay. Young, old, calloused. This hand is a little bit older. It's a little bit wrinkled. I'm going to fucking puke right now. I'm so nervous. What is going to happen? This is not how I saw this happening, but yeah.

So yeah, that's what you get from a 17 okay so older the robes presumably start talking you can't tell because the robes are covering their faces you can't read their lips it's like a little bit of a their heads are bobbing a little bit i wasn't shaking my hands no it was just that one okay i couldn't if i try now we under i understand and then i hear you If I try. No, I understand. And then I hear you. Roll deception. Baby, you're not that kind.

Both of you roll deception. You take the weight off of me. Roll deception. I got a three. You got a three? I got natural 20 plus six. I got a 13 plus zero 13. I'm just folded arms like. All right.

So immediately the tallest one walks up to Ron and to Daryl and yanks with one hand. Ron's a Walkman out of his ears and then reaches to me. I put my hand up like I'm about to sneeze. Oh, sorry. Excuse me. Oh, sorry. Oh, OK. Anyway, sorry. I miss what you guys are saying keep going so now you can did you also remove no no that was like me trying to recover like i was i was blocked i stopped no you failed so badly you failed so badly no i'm not stupid and it reaches over and grabs you by

the ears and pulls out your earplugs and he he goes, can you hear me? Oh, thanks, buddy. I was wondering what was going on. It's the altitude. He gets plugged up a little bit sometimes. You guys, I know what you're doing. Anyways, I appreciate it. I appreciate that. What was your name again? Nice to meet you, by the way.

I'm Darrell Wilson. Sorry I couldn't hear you before I put my hand out. So here's the thing. All right. So Will and I still have our earplugs in. Yeah. Do you guys want to leave the room actually you know what we could do if you guys take off your headphones i can play white noise through

our headphones okay great so we won't hear this i have a little soundboard on this mixer so i'm just gonna turn up the white noise so we will be unable to hear what's going on and we're just going to go off of the cues of the body language of our fellow. I'm so terrified right now. I cannot believe that this is how I say, oh, sorry about that. By my ears. Hey, why don't you go ahead and head back over there? There's no reason for you to be here anymore. And I like, yeah, sure.

And he stays right where he is. All right. So we're going into white noise mode. Well, yeah. Okay. I want to say for the record that freddy's white noise is like a laugh track of an audience applauding which is the most surreal thing to listen to is the only thing that freddy can like relate to it's like i just need that adoration that's what that's

what relaxes me he goes to sleep to the sound of people applauding it we are totally in the blind here now you sure you can't hear any of this i hear mumbling but okay that's fine that's fine okay okay so the tallest robe reaches out to you and says this can be very very simple we will send you back to the moment that you would have daryl driven your kids to the soccer game but this time you will instead put them on a bus which we will be driving and that will be the last time that you see your children but you will know several things. Firstly, that your wives will never have to die in horrible agony in a pyramid because they went looking for you

in the Forgotten Realms because you won't be in the Forgotten Realms. And secondly, you will know that your children are being raised happy and healthy by someone far, far more competent at fatherhood than you are. They will live happily, they will be safe, and all we need you to do is go.

And if you want to keep this gentlemanly, if you want to keep this fair, that's where it can end. You don't have to know anything else about what's going on, and it's all good. Okay, but, like, what if we also, like, want our sons? Yeah, that's not gonna do it. Hey, our sons have their own agency

and have their own decisions. Have you talked to them about this? Because we saw them, they sure don't seem happy. And if my son came to me and said, you know, I want to leave, like, we would talk about it. I would listen. I would hear him out. But, like, that's not, it's not really up to us. It's definitely not up to you, sir.

Can I ask, like, what you want with them anyway? Like, I just, I mean, like, listen, I just, like, there are other kids out there, and I know a few kids. I've sent, I've seen've said we don't need to give up other kids after you say all that stuff daryl uh the tallest robe reaches out to you with its hands and it goes there it is classic daryl you believe that these kids deserve more control over their destinies than they do the truth of the matter is and you know this i know this your children know this most importantly you are bad fathers You are not taking them down a good road in life.

They will be unhappy or they will be dangerous or they will give into their worst temptations. My God, your son alone, there was a light in him that is long since gone. And I believe that is your doing. And I'm sorry to say, I'm not that sorry. Are you a parent? I would like to be the parent of your children. That's not a thing. You don't get to just choose. I've heard men say that before.

I actually do. We actually, we do. Yeah, if I had a dollar for every time a man said that to me. Listen, we will raise them and we will do a better job than you ever could. They will grow up happy and strong. We three will become more than just dads. We will become Omega

Daddies. We will be immortal and wise and powerful empowered by the youth and the love of your children what will the kids become the kids will become whatever they wish to be we will have the power to give them anything as omega daddies we can be the dads not just of your children but of this entire realm this world needs daddies and we will be those daddies there's nothing greater than being a dad, man. It just shows you right away that you're not ready to be a parent. You know what's wild is that we're already daddies,

and so if we just sort of, like, stepped up, so to speak, we would be the Omega Daddies. Yeah, being a dad is its own, you do what you, look, it's... Ron, I do not know how many times I have to tell you that you don't know what you're talking about. Just shut the fuck up. You had a chance to make something out of your relationship with Terry Jr. and you didn't. I think I did, actually.

No, no, I'm afraid not. I just, okay. You decapitated his father in front of him. This entire adventure was meant to elucidate to you a fact that you know deep in your heart to be true. That these kids need better fathers than you four i'm sorry that that is the case but we can be those fathers hey buddy that's what being a parent is man every day of being a parent is thinking like you know what somebody else is probably a better parent than me they'll probably be a better parent that's how you strive to make yourself better exactly you don't know what the hell you're doing there's always a better parent it looks like how you strive to make yourself better. Exactly. You don't know what the hell you're doing, though. There's always a better parent. It looks like it's getting heated.

And we are those better parents. So, hey, Ron, what do you think about, we should let Glenn and Henry in on this. So, Peyton looks to Henry and Glenn and flicks his ears. Okay. I unplug my ears. And I go, yes! And so the tallest one goes, oh, God, that's

very cute. That's cute. So you were told about the nature of the magic, and okay, very good. I mean, not really. We don't know. All I know is that I just heard a bunch of horse shit coming out of your mouth, so that's the nature of the magic. Well, it got heated. You are going to answer yes or no to the following question.

Will you let us raise your children? In exchange, we will help you leave the Forgotten Realms today. And not only that. And the shortest one walks up to glenn and produces a cell phone i believe you have a call uh glenn looks around confused seeing that scott heated i looked at daryl like daryl what's going on do i do i need the guy said exactly he they think they're gonna be better dads than us and that they are gonna become a mega dad yeah and i'll try to explain that like being a parent means they're always wondering if you're a terrible parent that's

just what being a parent is it's freaking hard as hell and that uh they're gonna become something called omega daddies and it sure sounds like they're gonna like suck our son's souls or some shit like that so they could be dads for everybody i don't know it's a bunch of horseshit from a bunch of people who don't who aren't parents clearly i think we should sock the shit out of these guys once this goes bad but go ahead here get this phone call because these guys are assholes language okay i'll take the phone. The phone rings. Caller ID, nothing? The caller ID says, the name of your late wife, Morgan Freeman. I'm staring at this and I'm frozen and I answer and I pull it to my ear.

So you hear the voice of your late wife going, Hey Glenn, I'm on my way home. Do you need me to get anything at the store? Hey, what year is it? No, you know what? It's good to hear your voice. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Are you going to get like, are you gonna get all emotional on me again? I'm driving. This is embarrassing. Oh, oh, I think you're in one of your like introspective weed moods. Yeah, maybe, maybe, maybe that's it. Uh, actually, you know what know what uh why don't you just call me back are the rogue guys like how closely are they watching glenn take that phone call

i imagine they're they're all focused on him pretty well yeah um are you gonna be sneaky rogue focused on him pretty well yeah um are you gonna be sneaky rogue yeah um that was my plan reveal one of their faces that's a good idea yeah i could just like try to pull that robe off pull on the ropes off one of their faces yeah so glenn is going to look up shaky his confidence totally gone color drained from his face and he, what the fuck was that, dude? Why don't you go ahead and roll? Yes, as I simultaneously go to rip the, so that's 21. 21? Yeah.

Wow, okay. So which one are you going for? The medium-sized one, the tall one, or the squat one? I think I'm going to go for the medium-sized one. Okay. The tall one steps forward and says, Glenn, as I told Daryl, you will return to the moment that your child would have went to the soccer game,

but instead of getting on Daryl's van, he will get on a bus. You won't be waving him off alone. You will be waving goodbye to your son, standing next to your wife, Morgan, who will not have died in that car accident all those years ago. We can save her, and you can have the love of your life back in your arms once again. Everybody gets what they want. All of your wives will be safe, and all of your children will be raised by people who know what the fuck they're doing. Now, what say you?

And as he says, what say you, Ron Stampler sneaks behind the medium-sized one and pulls his hood down and you see someone that you don't recognize at all this is a face that's completely unfamiliar this is also the same person that daryl shook the hand of but henry you are looking into the face of barry oak your father. And as the other two purple robes turn and see that you've unrobed Barry Oak, the tall one goes like, Oh, I guess we're just doing this. I was gonna do

it dramatically, but sure, fine. And he pulls down his hood, revealing the face of Willie Stampler. Oh my god. And the third one pulls his down, the short one, and you see the face of Bill Close. And you are looking at at least three of the four of your fathers. They see the look of confusion on your face, and Willie Stampler says, I see, I see, you're confused. Let me explain.

There are many kinds of magic in this world. Death magic, fire magic, truth magic. But when I died, when my soul transferred to this bizarre realm, I learned one truth, that the strongest magic that there is is daddy magic. And as he says that, as that's sinking in, 100 feet into the air,

you see the DJI drone come out of the tallest parapet and you hear faintly over the howling winds. Fuck. Ron turns, and in a Christian veil and the prestige whisperer says, Abracadabra. Abracadabra. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close.

Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxon Waller. Thanks this week to Huey Martinez for the name of Glenn's wife, which he established in one of his comics. And incidentally, Morgan Freeman was 100% in the running with a bunch of other famous males with female names, you know, the inverse of Glenn Close. So he managed to see right through our joke. Dang, he predicted it.

Also, special thanks this week to our fine Patreon supporters, folks like Marcus Nilsson, Ronan Neumann-Hammond, Chris, just Chris, Anthony Perry, John Elk, Chesit Chesix, Derek Haas, Elizabeth Hope, Tim West, and Patrick Kaysen. Those are the names you need to be repeating to yourself every night before you go to bed. Especially Chesit Chesix. A little alliteration there, huh? We have some very cool shirts and hoodies and pins coming very soon.

And remember, all patrons get first crack at any and all merch. So help support the show and help yourself to new merch when it comes out in the next month or so by heading over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads this episode marks a story turning point as we enter into the next phase of the podcast so for those of you who have stuck with us over the past year and those of you just joining us thank you all for listening and we hope we've entertained you thus far with our dad antics our website dungeonsanddaddies.com our twitter twitter.com slash dungeons and dads the private Facebook group is bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads. And the subreddit is r slash Dungeons and Daddies. Next episode coming at you March 17th, not the 16th.

See you then. So we had Nick probably early. So probably like 95, 96, somewhere there. That's when she died. Okay. She goes, it's 1990. Wait, hold on. How old is Nick? Hold on.

It's 2020, dog. Okay, sorry. Do like 2012. If like she died when Nick was like three or four yeah do 2012 2012 dang she never saw vghs come she's a kickstarter backer but never got those rewards holy shit sucking our own please cut that out yeah she's in a better place in heaven there's season four