Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 29 - Big Willy Style

Episode Date: March 17, 2020

Unsurprisingly, the negotiations with the Purple Robes do not go as planned.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, animal cruelty/animal death, and violence towards children.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Hello, and welcome to the history of Barovia. In the year 773, dads Daryl Wilson, Ron Stampler, Henry Oak, and Glenn Close marched their army to the thin land bridge leading to Castle Ravenloft, ready to lay siege to the purple-robed inhabitants. This army, really more of a band of mercenaries, about half the size of a Roman cohort, consisted of equal parts archers, shield-bearers, and pikemen arranged in a configuration known as the Death Turtle, which was created by General Colonel Glenn Close.

Requesting an audience, the Purple Robes and four dads met in the center of the windswept bridge on neutral ground. It was there that the Purple Robes revealed that they were, in fact, Willie Stampler, Barry Oak, and Bill Close, the fathers of Ron, Henry, and Glenn, respectively. the fathers of Ron, Henry, and Glenn, respectively. Notably, Daryl's father was missing from this lineup. These Purple Robes offered the dads a deal. Give us your kids so we can become Omega Daddies and we'll let you go home. But getting the Purple Robes out of the castle and onto the land bridge was all part of the dad's scheme. You see, a stealth operation utilizing

a DJI Phantom drone piloted by a low-ranking intern known only as Doug signaled the children to use a previously hidden magical item in order to teleport to the dad's metal transport, a vehicle known as a minivan. The dads now had the children they had come so far to rescue in their hands, but were face to face and on the edge of an all-out war with the toughest enemies they had yet encountered. This week, we will continue where we left off. Fathers facing off against father, suspended a thousand feet high on a precipitous land bridge at the gates of Castle Ravenloft. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Most of the time, a loose Dungeons and Dragons 5E podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms

in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This week's dad fact for glenn probably appropriate seeing as we've now met glenn's dad bill close who was bill little bill close dad fact bill was a session musician working out of nashville working basically getting in on any sessions uh that he can so as a result not really around so he and glenn both referred to the house during the high school years as the crash pad.

The crash pad. The crash pad. So he had like that kind of vibe with his dad. Yeah, 100%. Now, is Bill also a descendant of Meryl Streep or is that on the mom's side? I would assume it's on the mom's side. Yeah, I think that's what you said originally. That's what I think.

I think so. Meryl Streep is in reference to our prequel optional campaign. And also the actress of Kramer versus Kramer. Hello, my name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson. I stay at home coach dad who turns into a barbarian when he enters the

Forgotten Realms. A little dad fact about Daryl. I just saw this this second. So see how this goes. Daryl's favorite soda. Favorite soda. Favorite soda. Favorite soda. I can't wait. Is his soda stream version. You're fucking kidding me. Get out. Of Coca-Cola. Get the fuck out. I hate this.

What is it called? Please. It's called Daryl's Pop. Depop. It's called Depop. Pop-a-pop. Pop-a-pop. It tastes exactly like coca-cola because no it fucking doesn't so daryl bought a soda stream and convinced everybody that it was cheaper and cooler and it tastes just as good as soda grant doesn't even complain and he spent weeks oh my god he spent

weeks trying to make his own version of coke that always tasted terrible that one day he just gave up and instead of admitting he was wrong, that SodaStream's stupid and more costly than just buying soda, he just buys Coke, puts it in his SodaStream. The fucking long con. Yeah, the long con. I'm pretty sure everybody knows at this point that they're just giving him the benefit of not telling him.

The lies and deceit in the Wilson household. It's just like this delicate balance of arts. Also, the audacity of having a dad-based pop and not calling it Papa's Pop. Oh, shit. It's Papa's Pop. It's Papa's Pop. It's Papa's Pop. Thank you, Beth.

Papa's Pop, trademark Beth May. TMTO. Joke by Beth May. Papa's Polar Cola. Because it's ice cold, baby. And he draws like a little polar bear on it. Yeah, because it's like

the Coca-Cola polar bear. Daryl, this is just like... I have so many questions. You can't stop once Papa pops. Where does he recycle the cardboard? Does he have to keep it in the car and smuggle it away

outside the house? How much soda do people drink? Daryl's got that garage refrigerator with meat and stuff in there. A dad staple. He's got like two liters of Coke like hidden underneath like slabs of meat. So what if someone else wants to make it in the soda stream? He'd be like, it's my proprietary.

So do people watch him do it in the soda stream? No. So he just. He avoids situations. I guess, you know, because you were saying that for long enough, he was striking out that they probably just tuned out. And he just had a eureka moment one day and was like, I did it. Wow, that's dark.

That's like the darkest Daryl fact, I think. I admit it was wrong to buy. By the way, Matt bought a SodaStream machine. He did not do this. But a complete waste. It will just sit in the corner and all the flavorings they have are all terrible. So sorry, guys. We're not going to get sponsored by SodaStream.

My roommates have a SodaStream, and they use it only for gin and tonics, and it's wonderful. That's what I use it for, gin and tonics and just straight seltzer water. That's all it's good for. Anyways. Hey, everyone. My name's Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, a crunchy, munchy, Birkenstock, rockin' hippie nature druid dad. Got it in one.

My dad fact for Henry this week is, big news, guys. Henry passed the retainer. Just in time. Henry, he had felt it moving southward for a couple of weeks now. And then the second he saw his father out, that little sucker came. So right now, Freddie was taking a big drink right as I said that. You're fucking saying that Henry Dookie the shooter

that was a retainer right into his shorts? Remember when that happened in Empire Strikes Back where he was like, I am your father, and Luke was like, no. And then Luke pooped out his retainer. That's literally exactly what happened. So canonically, Henry has a, I don't know if he's aware of it yet, but there's a retainer in his shorts right now.

Okay, well, quick question. Is it like a retainer of old, like the metal retainers, or is it those like new sort of plastic retainers? Oh, that's a good question. It's a, let's say just for, I think in terms of medical realism, it would have to be an Invisalign. Yeah. Or you're bleeding, or you're going to look down and you have a wound

and you're going to roll a D8. It's real bad. Otherwise, Henry doesn't have an intestinal tract anymore. Real quick, who had retainers growing up? I did. I did. Not that I wore it. So everyone except Matt.

Yep. I didn't go to a dentist until I was like 29 years old. What? Why? Because my parents couldn't afford it. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's why. That's a good answer. Yep. What color was your retainers parents couldn't afford it. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's why. That's a good answer.

Yep. What color was your retainers? I'm just sorry. I'm just wanting to know. I had a frigging Invisalign one, which is, I'm really, really, really salty about that actually because,

well, I had braces. No, I, Okay, Zoomer. Like literally, I had braces way before I was at an emotional capacity to realize like what they were. Like that they were fixing my teeth and that these would be my teeth.

So I got a retainer and it hurt like from the moment that I got it. And even if I put it in denture cleaner or whatever I used to clean it, it still was like plasticky and it felt gross going in my mouth. So I never fucking wore it. And now I've got these weird chip monkey teeth that are all like eating people when I'm not even looking. I had a mint green sparkly retainer. Mine was blue

and it had a picture of Earthworm Jim on it. Really? What? Yeah. Wait. They were like, you can take any little picture from this little book of little like

basically pictures we printed out from the internet and cut out. And I was looking, I was like, oh, it's just a bunch of like generic action guys. And then there was a little box art

for a VHS of the Earthworm gym animated tv show and i was like that's mine you guys i don't know that that's enabled a homophobia so i love this you guys remember there's an entire kiosk and a blockbuster where you could bring your pokemon snap memory card and print out pictures of pokemon snap yeah i don't know why that made me think of that but i miss those days because there was two good things i'm just googling earthworm gym retainer and guess what this does not exist it wasn't a branded thing they took a piece of paper and put it underneath the like the plastic bit of the retainer because they had just a bunch of different pictures that you can print out and

customize to your thing so this was like a bootleg op that your orthodontist now that i think about it yeah interplay is furious that's amazing hi okay My name's Beth. I'm angry about retainers. And I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact. Actually, no, it is not a fun fact. It's just a fact about Willie, Ron's father, Willie Stampler. Willie was a traveling salesman who specialized in fishing gear. Willie was a traveling salesman who specialized in fishing gear.

You may have heard me, Beth, say that Ron threw up trying to gut a fish once, and it really sealed the fate of his father's respect for him, or lack thereof. And, yeah, Willie died by drowning when he used a fancy lure to catch a huge fish, and then it pulled him overboard. Dang. Yeah. Was it like a famous fish? No, I mean... General? Sorry, Matt,

go ahead and name one. No, like of the town. It was like a huge fish and in the Simpsons they have an episode where it was like the general and they're like, oh, catch the general. Anyways. It was Serenity. There you go, Serenity. This is such, like, everybody... The Matthew McConaughey movie? Yes. Holy shit, what a fool.

Literally, if you watch one movie for the rest of your life, make it Serenity. You will not regret it. It is the stupidest, most wonderful movie I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. No, you're not.

We have real dads. We just met them. No. I'm the dad you want. Those are the dads you do. Those are bad dads. I'm a good dad. Your dad versus the dad you should be worried about?

Is that how they're going to be? Be the dad you want to see in the world. I don't have a dad fact. I don't have to do a dad fact. My dad fact is that I knew that these dads would be the big bads. Big bad dads. That's fun. That's fun.

I knew they'd be the- Were they a big bad voodoo dad? Oh, God. And we're the lads of the big bad dads. You're the big bad dad lads. And you knew that- Literally since the inception of the podcast. Wow.

We're all going through our emails being like, because you had asked us, what's our relationship with our dad's life? We should have seen that coming. I mean, I figured it was a pretty good cover story of like, oh, I can't understand you as characters unless I understand, because all of us are just, you know, an amalgamation of the traumas that our parents

and authority figures have sort of slapped us with. So like, you know, it was a better way to understand how to do dungeons i guess yeah i lied you see the faces of willie stampler bill, and Barry O. Basically three of your fathers. They are the Purple Robes and have been from the get-go. Bro. Father? Fine-looking gentleman

you all are. You all are. So Willie just sighs and goes, well, at least I can stop doing that stupid... I had a whole... There was a dramatic reveal. I was going to time it out. I'm so sorry. Boy, you should be.

Jesus Christ, all the fucking effort we've gone through. Just, okay. So again, just so you understand the fuck, like you could stop staring. Close your fucking mouth, Ron. Jesus Christ, don't look at me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Sir. Correct. Okay. So again, excuse me, who are you? I'm just fucking dad. Shut up. The deal is,

it's this simple. You take it or you leave it. If you let us have your kids and raise them and make them happy, productive, intelligent individuals in Faerun,

then we will send you back to your world. And the next thing that you will experience is waving goodbye to your kids as they head off on a bus to the soccer game

that you were driving them to before you arrived here. Everything in your life will be identical up to that point, with the exception of Glenn, you, and the lovely Morgan close, Nae Freeman, will be waving them off together because she will have not gotten into that car on that rainy day.

Yes, you have your hand raised. Yeah, hi, Henry Oak here. What the frick is going on right now?'re so let me get this straight you're his ron this is your dad yeah what and then but what father what are you doing here and who the hell is this guy i think he may be dad but this may be this looks like your dad this might be an illusion all your dads these are our dads guys what the hell is going on all i know is that you three gentlemen should be ashamed of yourself. You call yourself grandparents?

The way you treated your son right there is how you're going to treat our son? Which son? There's three dads and there's three dads. Oh, man. There's so many dads here. Where's my dad? So Barry smiles and puts out a hand, a very calm, very placatory hand that says, I shake it.

He puts his hand up with like fingers up. So how do you shake fingers? Well, either way. So he goes like, and like kind of recoils from it a little bit. Like he feels like he got infected by you or something. But he goes, everyone can be very calm. That is a thing that you can do right now. You can also choose to be very, very angry.

And if that's the direction that you choose, then I'm afraid this will be very negative for everybody. I don't think any of us want that. So as you say, where is my dad, Daryl? You're sort of looking around and just sort of by coincidence, you hear. So this could be a really weird poll. But does anyone remember the Mel Gibson movie Ransom? Yes, I do.

I see you. Do you remember the part in Ransom where the kid hears Gary Sinise's voice and he starts pissing himself out of fear because he recognizes that's the voice of his kidnapper? So you turn around, you see Peyton shivering and you smell pee and you see that Peyton is wetting himself looking at the faces of these three dads and he's sort of frozen with fear. Peyton, what's going on, buddy? Do you remember when we met and I told you that there was somebody that left me here, like the bully wugs?

And he's pointing at Willie and he goes, that was him. That's my... Okay, buddy, don't worry. They're not going to hurt you. I push him back and stand in front of him. He's crying and he happily lets you push him backward. I walk over to Peyton and I get... Peyton and I get... Wait, did Peyton and Peyton are brothers?

Did that just wait? Yeah, I'm still in shock here. So I walk up to Peyton and I sort of get down on his level. I'm like, Peyton, wait, you know that guy too? Yeah, yeah. He was scared. I did not like him.

And he left me the bully wugs and I hated him and I was gonna... I wanted to fight him, but I don't think I can fight him right now. I really don't feel like fighting. I don't want to. I would like to just go please. Can we please just go? You don't have to fight, Peyton. Plus you're so strong you could probably

knock him out in one punch. You don't have to though. I... Roll persuasion real quick. Ooh, that's a two. Okay. So he was like oh, you're so fucking bad at lying, Ron. Oh my god. I think he would kick my ass. Like I think that's a two okay so he was like oh you're so fucking bad at lying run oh my god oh i think you would kick my ass like i think it's a lot of bravado and i don't think it's real oh no oh no so henry as he stares at his father feels like a lot of suppressed shit in his mind like starting to kind of crack open like it's like there's a door in his brain that's starting to

shake and like the knob is starting to turn and he pushes on that knob back as hard as he can he holds the door in his brain with both hands torturing this metaphor as much as he possibly can and he turns to the other dads and say guys i have an idea run and then henry turns into a bird and flies off towards the van okay everybody give me an initiative roll yeah Yeah, that's what Henry just did. Alright, we're running. He's running. I have a 7 plus 4 initiative. 11. I got an 18. I got a 19 plus

1 initiative, so 20. Okay. I got a 7. Okay. We're going by the speed strategy of doing combat design in D&D where all of the bad guys are going to move at once as a group and they just natural 20 their initiative roll. Oh, shit. So, bad guys are going to move at once as a group and they just natural 20 their initiative roll oh shit so the dads are going to go first i'm very scared okay so i guess that's good because now they all can respond to what they do oh yeah now i can say i was provoked um i don't know if he's gonna fight them solo but do i need to come up with what bird i turned into

if you'd like yeah why not all right i feel like it would be the first bird he thought of. So was it lark or sparrow? Oh, shit. Or was it beanie? It's always lark and sparrow. It's never sparrow and lark, so he turns into a lark. Okay, great. So he turns into a lark.

I'm just going to Google what a lark is. Literally the most racist bird that there's okay never mind never mind racist bird of the animal kingdom whoa will i don't know if you want to do that yikes uh no fun will fact every time i think lark literally all i can think of is there's a character named lark in pilot wing 64 is all yeah so that's in my head canon what lark looks like is lark from pilot wings all right it's a small ground dwelling song ground dwelling good uh songbird typically with brown streaky plumage a crest an elongated hind claws and a song 21 and a glock yeah uh and a song that is delivered in flight so um i'm gonna be fluttering through the air like a little birdie i guess what's the song like so bill close sees

henry oak beginning to fly away, and Bill turns to Willie, and he goes, should I? And Willie goes, yeah, obviously, fucking idiot. And so Bill goes, okay, cool. Dude, Willie's toxic as fuck. This is heartbreaking. So Bill is going to cast Hold Person on Henry. So everybody is going to do a wisdom saving throw.

Uh-oh. Because he's a higher level, he basically gets to do it to multiple humanoids. If I'm no longer a humanoid, do I have to do a wisdom saving throw? Oh. Correct. Yeah, no, you don't.

It's only for humanoids. Well done. Well done. Wisdom saving throw. Point of order. Excuse me. This dumb barbarian rolled an 18 plus one. That's 19.

That's an 18 minus one, 17. Wait, barbarians are smarter than bards? Sometimes a barbarian can be smarter than a bard. In this particular case, I don't think any of us are that surprised, are we? I failed. Okay, so everybody except for Ron feels this wave of, it almost feels like invisible fingers trying to pull at you, but you managed to evade their grasp.

But Ron, maybe it's just being in the presence of your father once again. Your body just freezes up, and you are paralyzed for the next minute or until you get knocked out. The next minute? Yes, which is like 10 rounds of combat. Am I allowed to say anything, though?

Yes, you can speak. Oh, shit. It literally says paralyzed creatures can't move or speak. Fuck it. It's an audio podcast. You can speak, but you so you can't move okay but you have to talk like a ventriloquist but it will happen when we come to your turn yeah okay that was bill close's turn and he's gonna just do that for now and then we will say that barry oak will just look at your spells please everybody dude i'm just fucking like oh shit we gotta play dnd for the first time ever

yeah yeah now i'm like man why did i fucking pick like grow plants or whatever i used to i've never looked at fine print as hard as like since i was trying to get out of my student loans this is like examining this shit right here barry oak is going to transform and he's going to transform into a dragon specifically the gold dragon that you saw on the way that me that was barry no no no he just he's he's a much higher level druid so we saw it and like you can only do things up to a certain challenge rating he can turn into a fucking dragon ah shit uh and so he flies after you and he's going to try to grab you out of the sky with his claws. It's kind of outmatched there, I gotta say.

Give me a dexterity. Oh, great. I think larks have initiative on dexterity. I feel like I'll give you a plus three because you're pretty small and he's pretty big. He's from Pilot Wing 64, so I believe I should get a plus 64 to all my rolls. Here's my argument.

I'll give you a plus four. Because you're a small bird that is brown and you're flying close to the ground, it's going to be hard. It's snowy everywhere. It'll be able to pick you up very easily. Anthony already gave you a plus 4. Anthony is not fucking around right now. Don't keep selling. There was a time where I would let you go to Fry's Electronics

and get a drone. Right now is not that time. Alright, I'm doing a deck saving throw you said? Yes, please. Oh, I got a seven. Okay, he snatches you out of the air. His claws grasp around you hard enough that for a second you can't breathe and you feel a genuine panic

that your little adorable bird bones might snap, but he loosens up just enough to make sure that you can't wriggle out of his grasp. And he says something to you, but it's in dragon speaks. You can't really understand it. What does it sound like he's saying? Like, is he mad?

No, it sounds calm and very condescending. It's like, you. You can't really understand it. What does it sound like? He's saying it sounds like, no, it sounds calm and very condescending. It's like, you can almost hear him. Like you can hear the, like, Oh, you should have tried to do that.

My silly boy. Will our paid mercenaries react to any of this? Well, I was going to say, you haven't given them any orders yet. So if somebody on their turn wants to spend a free action, once it comes around to your turn to sort of get them into the initiative, that's something you can do basically for free just by shouting out to yell.

And now Willie Stampler is going to go and he goes like, I can't remember how many times I told you to not just play around with them. We need to show them that we can be in business. So here we go. And he is going to raise both of his hands up and rub them together. And then he's going to slap the ground in front of him. And so everyone except for Will make a constitution saving throw. A fucking 18 plus three. I'm rolling 19, 18, 18. 12. 21.

Nine. 12 total. Beth, you and Freddie are going to take 5d6 thunder damage as lightning streams down from the sky. So you got 19. 19 thunder damage. 19 thunder damage as lightning streams down from the sky so you got 19 19 thunder damage 19 thunder damage and everyone again not will but all three of you take 5d6 radiant or necrotic damage so in willie snampler's case it's going to be necrotic damage so you all take oh no 26 damage what the fuck all three of you take 26 damage and you're not prone as you feel this putrid, festering, undead energy crawl inside of you

and you feel like it's trying to decay you from the inside out. All right, that puts me immediately in death save. I'm in death save as well. Really? Yeah. Okay. Ron and Glenn are down for the count right now. Yes, they currently are.

Oh, is Payton damaged by all this stuff too? Oh, shit. If you... I will be pretty bad if you kill Peyton. Yeah, I mean... All right, Peyton's also in death saves. Sorry. Daryl, it is your turn next.

Cool. What did we do with the sword? The Demodama sword? Yeah. I think it's fair that you could say you probably have it on you. Yeah, they didn't tell you to not have any weapons on the way in, so you could have it. So I can only do this as a reaction,

so I can do one reaction, right? No, you can do as many reactions as you want no forever yes you can only do one reaction per per how for a how close were you to death save i'm in it like like like because i exactly i'm exactly i'm exactly oh no really we have 45 health and we yeah oh yikes so you just one shot at both of them basically okay well how how do I remember how it works? So if you get minus 45 health, you are dead forever. Yeah. If you get whatever minus your normal max health is, you're dead for good. If you have zero, then basically every turn,

you're going to roll a d20. And if the roll is 10 or higher, you get a success. And if you roll under, you get a failure. You need to get three of either kind to either succeed and basically get stabilized or die forever. If any amount of healing comes to you at all, you're back out of death savings and you're back under your feet. Strategically, I have to try to say, Freddie, I'm going to, but character wise, Daryl would not use this for anybody other than Payton. I'm just going to say because I put my hand behind him, I'm just going to say that I don't see.

I assume that Payton did not get hit by the spell in this spur of a moment thing and I use, it's just, pain's mental dude, pain's mental, and I use my spirit shield to reduce some of Glenn's damage to, so four damage So I have, I'm at four. You have four HP Okay, so you're not knocked down. So you didn't get knocked down, yeah. And that was a reaction. Okay, so now it's my turn

Yes. I would like to propose what, this is what I would like to do and I get two actions as a bard i mean as a part as a barbarian and then is it two of any action or is it two actions from now on i always get two attacks two attacks okay cool that's that's specifically different and then as a bonus action i can enter uh rage well sure i'm just gonna do it as a bonus action i enter rage okay um obviously i'm fucking angry because i just saw my friends get nailed and i think i now realize i can i can feel his little limp body start like tipping over behind me and i know that payton's got hurt too and i'm already a long time since we heard kids

in this podcast i'm going to say that either either i had the sword or actually i think henry would have had it but i think if you turn into a sparrow it just dropped um would make sense here's what i would like to do is i would like to shove the sword into the ground like find like a nook and then grab payden and ron and then extend it so i fly backwards like a javelin yes as far back as i'm gonna go like a hundred yards just like zip line away as quickly as i can that's very fucking cool okay um so let's see let's let's have you roll we're gonna have you roll strength to see if you can hold on to the sword while you're doing this okay just roll strength save oh i get advantage on strength checks there we go great oh there we go there we go and my strength is plus three so that's uh 18 you managed to hold your grip on

the sword so describe what happens to me i essentially wedge it into like you know two pieces of cobblestone as deep as I can. So it's like a 20 degree angle, like 30 degree angle. So as I go back like 70 yards, I'm only like, wait, wait, wait. Sorry. You go and do that. I'm going to do some trigonometry. Yeah.

Whatever angle gets me not so high that when I let go, like we fall and like really hurt ourselves. So it's like, yeah, essentially just like zipping ourselves backwards. I wedge it. And then I had, is it like a spell? How do you, how do you extend it? You, yeah, essentially just zipping ourselves backwards. I wedge it, and then I, is it like a spell? How do you extend it? You just think it?

You just think extend, yeah. But so as I do that, as I do that, I grab paralyzed Ron. Just like in real life. Yeah. Who's canonically, he's very-

Like a boner. Yeah. Like a rigid erection, guys. I grab Ron, and I sling him, because I'll say this with my two attacks. I sling him on my shoulder, fireman style. attacks. I sling him on my shoulder fireman style. Okay. And then I turn.

So now I'm holding the sword like, you know, cool cut the style like reverse. Okay. So I'm gonna be like rocketing forwards. Okay. And then I grab Peyton and put him under my arm like a duffel bag. Okay. And then I rocket forward with this sword. Okay.

So to grab those two people, you're gonna have to make a dexterity save to see if you can hold both of them. Okay. And how many feet are you going, Matt? Full extension? I'm going to go like 60 yards. 60 yards. Okay.

Dexterity. Come on. Don't drop any of these guys. Oh, my God. That's a 19 plus one. Wow. All right. So you managed to hold on to both of them.

So, Freddie, have you done your trig yet? Yeah. So if you go at a five degree angle with a hypotenuse of 60 yards, you'll get at the end there at 5.23 yards off the ground, which is still pretty high. So you need to be pretty sharp. You know what it is? I think it's a little higher than that

because the sword starts bending. Okay, all right. Can you believe I just failed trig twice? And as I'm flying, I'm screaming, we could use some help, guys. All the bad dogs hear that

and they go, so you see them begin to snap at each other and do a lot of one finger in the air rotating very quickly. They're like, round it up, boys. You're going to basically fall about 20 feet, I presume, with that kind of an angle. It's kind of like bending.

Yeah. It's not going to be that bad. It's 2d6 of damage. It's a little cooler if I take some damage. And I want to be clear, doesn't he have to roll a dex save for it? Because he's managed to fall from high places and roll out of it every single time

so far because he's got that stuntman blood in him. Well, he's holding every... This is that stunt action! Alright, yeah, you can do a dex save to see if you do no damage at all. For a stunt. You gotta do a stunt. That's a 17 plus 1. Yeah, baby! That's stuntman blood!

That's stuntman blood! Alright, how did you fucking land with these two the way it works is i actually don't fall it slowly bends flawlessly so i land like a graceful ballerina on the ground i slowly place payton down on the ground gently and the sword handle as it goes like zipping back connects with a stampler and like flings them all the way up in the air like, you know, like a pole vault and then comes flinging back down to earth and then I just reach out and I grab, and I grab Stampler too

and then lay Stampler down next to. And though I'm like near, very near death, I just make a like, oh, a damsel adjacent expression. So wait, you got Ron and paid it off. Yes. Okay, so Glenn is still there. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.

Maybe rephrase that. Rephrase that. Rephrase that real quick. I said what I said. Glenn is still there, but he's not dead. I saved him. Okay. Ron is paralyzed but near Daryl,

and it is now your turn to make a death save. Okay. And if you get a 20, that's two successes. If you get a one, that's two failures. Okay. 15. That's one successes. If you get a one, that's two failures. Okay. 15. That's one success. Mark that down.

So you need three to get stabilized and get back on your feet. And three fails is dead. Three fails is dead. All right, Glenn, it is your turn. You are not down because of the spirit shield. So what do you want to do? It feels like there's not much I can do here. You can shout some specific things to the bad dogs

because you still haven't told them what tactics you'd like them to take or oh that's right that's right um okay so really quick guys i want to get a read from everyone i can do the fireworks or smoke fireworks tard explodes a dazzling display each creature on 10 feet must succeed on constitution saving floor become blinded smoke thick black smoke spreads out from the target a 20 foot radius and it's the area is heavily obscured smoke persists for a minute what do you think would be helpful more helpful there smoke they probably have good constitution fuck us up though too isn't it you're away i'm the only one there yeah i'm assuming like smoke would make it hard to do like point of sight

yeah line of sight would fuck up it would probably you get disadvantage or or certainly have a harder time moving through it well it's nice about smokes that affects everybody whereas like if you're gonna smoke these guys out i feel like it's not pyrotechnics it's the omega one you've been hiding in your sleep the entire time there's like one answer for glenn which is to smoke it out i have okay i have in my jeans this entire time a device of my own creation called the omega vape and here's what it is the problem with most vapes is that they rely on your lung capacity to draw in you know whatever you got going on the omega vape blows past those physical barriers that sounds awful it's a single uh this is the spell pyrotechnics which is a bard spell but i'm gonna use the smoke

sort of subclass of this i'm gonna smoke them out with this thick cloud of smoke in a 20 foot radius which will completely obscure and uh a strong wind will dissipate it what flavor what strong wind will dissipate it huh like maybe the wings of a dragon beating it's also galing winds no it's like 70 mile per hour wind yeah there's a lot of win over. So you do that and immediately Alden the Vogue shows up and immediately moves away. My fave.

But hold on. But you see, for a second, you see Bill Close just roll his fucking eyes. Hold on, hold on, hold on. If there's a single vape that can instantly create

20 foot class smoke, anyone who is not attuned to the bud is going to be affected. So I think there's some fucking constitutional saves going to be rolled. So I think there's some fucking constitutional saves going to be rolled here. Like, could you imagine

getting blasted? It's like a reverse dust devil of weed. I would say, but then Glenn has to make the constitution save as well. I agree. Because he's used to it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That means everybody around you needs it. That means Daryl. That means Ron. No, no, no. It's a 20-foot radius. You're 60 yards away. Oh, you didn't grab him right okay okay okay i'm negative just to be

clear i'm next to them i'm the only all right okay sorry okay so yes let me describe what this is i activated the omega vape which created a 20 foot cloud of the dankest juices uh it's like a strawberry flavor probably probably like a strawberry flavor but as a defensive mechanism like a skunk or a squid i believe that this california legal kush is probably going to affect these old timers who haven't had anything stronger than anything they've ever right that's just strong as fuck now dude well so here's the thing you're correct usually they'd get disadvantaged on their constitution saving throws yeah but because of those strong wins they get advantage so they cancel each other out so they're just gonna get straight ass constitution rules that's fair okay so daryl just like

fucking flew 60 yards with a sword and like caught like payton and ron and place them down and turns around and just sees glenn just vaping after using his spiritual ancestors to prevent Glenn from dying. This is why you protected him. You knew exactly what would happen. This is the most on-brand move for Glenn. In the history of on-brand moves, and you're just just. You go ahead and make your constitution save first. That's going to be a

15, and this is a con 14 for. 14. Okay, cool. So you're fine. So Bill Close is going to roll. 17. He's fine. He's used to it. Yeah, cool. So you're fine. So bill close is going to roll 17. He's fine. He's used to it. Yeah. He's like,

where do you think you fucking got it from? That's fair. That's fair. And, uh, Willie, uh, takes an inhale and like his eyes,

people's dilate just a little bit. Sitar music starts playing. Okay. So that is, that is your turn. Um, so I'm going to take the opportunity to run then. Okay. sitar music starts playing yeah okay so that is that is your turn um so I'm gonna take the opportunity to run then

okay 15 feet I guess yeah you get to run 15 feet so you're still gonna be on the bridge you're gonna be at like you know

he can get a full move and still catch up to you if that's what he wants to do I mean what else can I do no no yeah you should that's fine I'm running yeah I mean yeah

welcome to D&D we're on your turn you can do some stuff I'm running towards an army that's the only time. Like, that's a cool thing. Now, granted, it's running away from my dad, but, you know. All right, now it is Henry's turn.

Henry, you were in the grip of a dragon. Henry's thrashing around in the grip of this dragon. He looks up into his father's eyes, and a language he's never spoken before, druidic, flies out of his mouth, and he says, Father, why are you doing this? What's going on so your father looks down at you with his big dragon eyes and he like coughs he was previously speaking

dragon tongue but now you hear druidic come from him and he goes like oh i see you're beginning to remember aren't you who you truly are that door in henry's brain starts to crack a little bit more and a vision of all alright, what's the biggest fucking bird I can turn into? Like in D&D land. D&D birds. D&D birds? You could turn into a giant eagle, a giant vulture, a giant

duck, a giant canary. Giant duck please. Stymphalian bird? What the fuck is a stymphalian bird? Duck. Quack. Quack. The door in Henry's mind cracks and for an instant what the fuck is a stem fowl? Giant duck. Quack. Okay. Quack. Quack. The door in Henry's mind cracks and for an instant

a flash occurs to him of a giant duck. The size of how big are ducks in fucking Dungeons and Dragons? Let's see. A giant duck is 11 feet tall and 5 feet wide.

Oh shit. That's incredible. Hell yeah. Alright, so Henry turns into a giant duck to try to break out of his father's grasp. Awesome. Okay, so he's going to try to roll dexterity with disadvantage because he didn't expect that.

And then Henry looks into his dad's eyes and drew it and says, duck. Alright, so that's also a pretty good dad joke because you have d4 of damage you can do to anybody. I'm doing it to him, clearly. Do it to Freddy just to finish him off.

All right, so how much damage did you do? I did one damage to him. Okay, so you do one damage, and you see his eye almost begins to twitch, and you're like, oh, here it is, here it is. This is what one damage to my daddy is going to feel like. And then you hear this, like, it's in your mind. It's like when you play a video game

and a video game is trying to convince you that a character cannot take damage because when you shoot them, it goes ping. And there's like a shine. A weird metallic ping thing. Yeah, you hear a metallic ping as he goes like, oh, oh, that was adorable on so many levels. That was good.

You'll do better next time. They ricochet. I can see how hard you're trying. He goes, ho ho ho this is a boss fight that's going to end in a cutscene. There's no way you can beat me right now. Do I break out of his grasp? So yes, you do. So he fails to hold on to you. So you are now an 11 foot sized

duck. Alright. It's flying free. I'm going to pull a fucking Lord of the Rings and swoop down to grab Glenn. Okay. Nice. So go ahead and roll dexterity to see if you can grab him in your webbed feet, which are not very good for grabbing things. I'm gonna use my bill, dog. Put it on my bill.

So duck bills are pretty brutal. Like, they can actually do a lot of damage. Oh, can they? Oh, shit. No, it's fine. It just means you have to roll dexterity to make sure you don't, like, crush it. You do the collar.

You're, like, going for the shirt. Yeah, you're going for a little shirt. Oh, shit, yeah. That's a 17 plus two, my dude. 19. Okay, so describe how you pick up Glenn. So I'm swooping with big duck arms, and I come in like at a sharp angle,

and I bank at the last minute and like go sideways like you're in Star Fox, and you're trying to get through one of those little gates to get like a little power up. Holding L or R. Yeah, and then I open my bill up, and I just kind of like, like I just kind of,

I just kind of on him, like on the sides, and then I pivot out, and I fly out. Okay, like I just kind of, I just kind of want on him, like on the sides. And then I pivot out and I fly out. Okay, cool. So now it is the bad dogs turn. So the bad dogs can see that basically all of you are pretty distant from all of the bad guys. Okay.

So now you actually have to make some stakes in the ground. How many archers did you get? How many pikemen did you get? How many shield bearers did you get? I feel like the last time we left it, it was Freddy's dumb like one of each

attack turtle move. So I think it should be 30, 30, 30. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so it's whatever. It should be an ESPN 30 for 30 for 30. 66, 66, and 66.

And then they killed one guy. Yeah. One guy's dug. They think I'm really literal? No, no. One guy's dug away. It's no ability. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's dug. Okay, so 66 archers pull back their bows and before they fire, they go, pick a target. Oh, they're talking to us. They're talking to you. Oh. Tell them to shoot at us. Daryl's like, dragon.

Okay. Hopefully Henry's not mad that I pointed all the arrows at his dad. I'm just screaming dragon. It would have been a great time for one of us to have a dad laser pointer to just boop the dragons. Oh, yeah. We still have one more thing we can get from fries. from you want to get a laser pointer from fries right now i think it'd be really stupid not to get a battery solar charger a solar child yeah but you didn't

get cables with it so of all the arrows they got shot 22 of them hit uh so they're gonna do five piercing damage five piercing damage each or five total? Okay. I love that Doug, the one thing he has is like this eagle eye ability to commentate. He's like, oh, 22 of those hit. Yeah. So Doug's like,

22 of those hit, each of them did five damage. So that's about 110 damage on that dragon. It's pretty good. He's like, he's a golf commentator. Yeah.

Okay. So unlike when Henry told the dad joke, you can see that the arrows actually sink into his body and he's a dragon. So he very quickly shakes them all dad joke, you can see that the arrows actually sink into his body. And he's a dragon, so he very quickly shakes them all out. But you could see some blood drawn by these arrows. So your dad, Barry Oak in dragon form, has taken 110 damage.

And he shook it off pretty easily, but he did take the damage. Okay, so now the shield bearers are going to move up. They're going to dash basically to try to get on the bridge. They're going to try to go for sort of a Thermopylae thing and try to block the bridge from the other dads, the bad dads. What would we do if you did not have mercenaries with us? Thank God we argued for four episodes.

It was worth it. Ultimately, looking back, right decision. And then 66 Pikemen follow them as well. So they sprint up. Actually, here's the question. So they're going to have to run past you on the way there. Do you want them to form a phalanx? No, not you. Sorry, to Daryl and Payton and

Ron. They already dimma-dome vaulted 60 yards back. Like backwards, right? So they're gonna run past you on the way to the bridge. So do you want them to stop near you and like form a phalanx? Do you want to have some of them form a phalanx around you? Or do you want to have all of them run up to the bridge? I say, protect the boy! And I like, I essentially you want to have all of them run up to the bridge? I say, protect the boy! And I essentially motion for about 20 of them to stay and make a shield around me with the

two bodies next to me. You're basically going to have 10 shield bearers and 10 pikemen surround you and do a phalanx thing in case somebody tries to get close. Yes. Okay, that makes sense. Because there's still a dragon also. Right. So 56-

Henry already got close. Ooh! So 56 shield bearers and 56 pikemen run up to the bridge, and they spend their whole actions getting there in a dash. Okay, so it is the bad dad's turn again. First, Bill Close. So he sees all this crazy shit happen, and he is going to.

How far away are you, Glenn? Well, I picked him up. Oh, you picked him up. So you're in the sky, but you're probably like. Still pretty close, I would imagine. Yeah, you're within 60 feet. Well, how far can a large Oh, you picked him up. So you're in the sky, but you're probably like... Still pretty close, I would imagine. Yeah, you're within 60 feet. Well, how far can a large duck go? I love this.

I love... What's the laden... What is the airspeed velocity? My favorite part of the podcast is when I pull a new animal out of my ass. I've done no research, and then I make Anthony answer all my questions about it. So let's say you're whatever distance you can run, you're still within 60 feet. So hold on. So ducks are 40 to 60 miles an hour. Okay.

Wait, real ducks? Yeah. Amazing waterfowl facts. Ducks.org is telling me. Oh my god. Somebody at Ducks.org is like, guys, we got another hit! We got another hit! A big duck would probably go slower and he's got your weight. Somebody's got a new homepage.

Well, no, because that's not quite necessarily the case because the big duck has larger force, right? Like, yeah, but gravity's acting on it. It's why Godzilla can't exist because he's too big and, like, he would not be able to move. Okay, well, for Godzilla can't exist land. By the way, you are within range of Bill Close's

calm emotion spell. So he is going to aim up at Henry and Glenn and both of you are going to have to make a charisma saving throw glenn's going to react with mental barrier now mental barrier allows me to protect my mind with a wall of looping repetitive thought in this case the lyrics to live in on a prayer i'm just like we're halfway there okay so that means we're halfway there this has got to be a quick loop yeah what. What does that mean?

You get advantage on the role or you don't have to roll? That means I got advantage on that shit. Okay. So both of you give me a constitution or sorry, charisma rolls. So this is a charm spell, right? Yes.

Okay. So, um, it turns out ducks are immune to being charmed. No. Um, so Henry, as part of his traits is like,

cause I kind of spec him as a wood elf back when we did these characters. He has fate ancestry, which creates an advantage on saves against being charmed. So I get this one with advantage. Okay. Bill Close wasted his fucking turn. Shit, I'm going to need it. I'm going to need it again.

I'm going to burn my inspiration from that dead joke. Oh my God. Woof. Strikeout. Okay. So what about you, Glenn? I have 13 plus 6, 19. Okay.

So you are just as rowdy as ever but henry you suddenly feel this very zen sense of calm come over you it's like it's like the tightness in your stomach that's been here ever since you came to castle ravenloft just sort of relaxes and you feel like oh wait this is when i pass the retainer. One of the bad dogs near below, like something hits him and he's like, what the fuck?

So you relax completely, which includes relaxing your grip on Glenn. So Glenn, you're going to make a dexterity saving throw. So you're going to fall 30 feet, which will be 3D6.

Oh my God. If you save, it'll only take like well he's only 4 health 19 plus 6 25 on the dex saving throw 25? holy shit wait how's your dex 6? I don't know Matt it's because the fucking thing on my computer

with my character sheet tells me this I don't know how this fucking math works dude what do I look like Gary Gaiax you? I don't know how this works he just did a trigonometry problem. No, it's just specifically dexterity because the normal stats don't have that high stuff. Is this plus six, the dexterity? Or is it six? Saving throw modifiers.

Wow. Okay, cool. Now look, to be fair, I have zero strength. I have negative one wisdom. Everything else is like one or zero. There's a whole section. Guys, you know there's a whole section called saving throws modifiers which i did not know i just been doing the plus on the top i've been getting plus six i have plus six

on strength god i mean for saving throws which is different yeah and constitution though oh yeah which i've done a lot and i only been doing plus three on that only took us a year ladies and gents um okay so you take 1d3 of damage. That's fine. I have four, so. Oh, great. Okay. I have one damage.

Okay, cool. So yeah, you land. All right. A light scuff. Just a light scuff. You took one damage. You have three damages left. Yeah.

Barry Oak sees his son get very, very calm. It's just hard to be clear. Am I in front of our bad dogs or am I behind the lines now? I'm sorry. You are in front of the bad dogs still because you're within 60 feet. Okay. So you'll have to run through them. Okay. So he's on the bridge.

Yeah, you're on the bridge still. Okay. At least I did not drop you over the abyss. That's true. Yes. Barry Oak sees his son get calm and chill. And he's like, that's exactly what I would say. That's exactly what you need to do.

I'm so, I am so proud of you. So we'll talk about this later. I think if you move through your vinyasa a little bit more cleanly, I think you'll actually be able to feel in this kind of like vibe all the time. But we'll talk about that later. Daddy's going to go eat some people.

Be right back. And so he lands on the bridge and transforms into a giant scorpion. And he is going to, oh shit, it's Ruby Weapon, guys. So he's going to move forward and engage the bad dogs. He's going to oh shit it's ruby weapon guys so he's going to move forward and engage the bad dogs he's going to swipe

his poisonous tail from left to right in this like arc and try to hit the front 20 guys is this going to hit glenn too no i don't think he would because he's got a big old long tail so he can like arc it over them it's like a big old jump rope and glenn's on the ground and glenn's on the ground um in a blade pose yeah uh

but your wrist like turned just a little bit a little too much and it's like scorpion arm goes like right over his head like yeah yeah it's gonna be actually kind of cool looking yeah so he's going to roll an attack on the front 20 bad dog shield men so that's going to be work for the romans they took down hannibal elephants it's gonna be a 22 to hit oh boy so i'm gonna assume that's gonna hit him so Work for the Romans. They took down Hannibal. It's the elephants. That's going to be a 22 to hit. Oh, boy. So I'm going to assume that's going to hit them. So there's 20 of them.

I will use rolladie.net and have them roll 20 separate times. Whoa. It's that galaxy brain DM energy right now. Rolladie.net? Yeah, I know. I'm going there, too. This episode brought to you by ducks.org and rolladie.net. I don't know what I was expecting, but it's pretty much what you think it is.

It turns out rolladie.net looks exactly like you'd expect all right i'm gonna google it fine oh my god this is exactly how i pictured it it's everything just like in the simulation just like in the simulation all right so 13 of the bad dogs managed to keep their shields up and ping his stinger like bing bing bing bing like bounces off of them but seven of them are not quite quick enough they begin to get their shields up but not quite in time so the stinger like bing bing bing bing like bounces off of them but seven of them are not quite quick enough they begin to get their shields up but not quite in time so the stinger bounces up off the shield and hits them in the neck as it goes by just sort of slices

at them and if it weren't for the fact that their necks have been sliced open the green poison that you can see sort of seeping into their veins would kill them off and they just like they just drop and they are dead it's like some starship troopers shit right now and so you have seven fewer shield bearers. I guess there's more money for the rest of everybody.

That's why they're able to keep the morale. That's the secret of the bad dog mercenary guild. Is that secretly, they know that anyone who goes down, they split the money better. Well, it's like a tontine or something like that. Okay, so now Willie Stampler. Glenn is in range. He's going to walk up.

I had to look that up. Willie's high now. An annuity shared by subscribers to a loan or a common fund, increasing as subscribers die until the last survivor enjoys. Yes, that is exactly it. Thank you. So Willie is high, and he could do something. More like Willie Nelson, am I right?

So he could do the strategically smart thing, or he could do the thing that he thinks is going to be kind of fun. So he walks up until Glenn is within range. He snaps his finger, and he casts harm. So give me a constitution saving throw. Three. I'm going to burn my inspiration from a dad joke previously and go again. 15 plus one, 16.

So harm is necrotic damage that sort of infects you from inside. It unleashes a virulent disease on you. And it does, so this is going to sound bad, it does 14d6 necrotic damage on an unsuccessful save. On a successful save, it does half, so you did 22 damage to you. But the thing about harm is that

it cannot actually take your target's hit points below 1. But the most intense pain you have ever felt in your entire life racks your body from the inside. It's like you are on fire from, it's like acid is eating you out from the chest outward. Interesting phrasing once again.

Interesting. It's eating you from within, from the chest. You know what? The damage is done. The damage is done. That was insane. Yeah. It is like you're,

I fucked that up real bad. Oh no. The damage is done. It was insane. Yeah. It is like you're... I fucked that up real bad. Oh, no. You all see it. Beth was like almost asleep. She was just sitting there very calmly at the moment he said, she just popped up. So, yeah, you have...

Very funny. You have one damage and you were in the most intense and horrible pain you've ever been in your entire life. And Willie goes like... So it did, but it did like two damage.

It did 22 damage or whatever the hell, but he only took him down two hit points. Right. Exactly. So it's like stepping on a Lego basically. Yeah, exactly. It's like your entire body is stepping on Legos from the inside.

It's like you're passing a kidney stone. That's a Lego. Oh God. That's great. Actually, you know what? You know what? That's exactly what it is.

All the shit I said about it eating you out. No, that's not, it's a, you're passing a Lego. Ooh. Ooh. Okay. So now it know what? That's exactly what it is. All the shit I said about it eating you out. No, that's not. It's a you're passing a Lego. Oh, OK. So now it is Daryl's turn. OK, so I'm behind the people with the shields and Glenn is passing a kidney stone on the

bridge and passing a Lego. Yeah, there's a Lego kidney stone. And are you just like floating? Are you just like casually like still? What happened after I send out? You're still flying. It's like, you know, like it looks like you're like casually like still moving forward? Yeah, what happened after I zenned out? I'm still flying, right? It's like, you know, like it looks like you're floating in a pool of water that's been like splashed once and the waves are sort of rippling. It's like you're doing that, but in the air where you're just kind of like hovering.

I think it's like his controller turned off and he's just. Oh, right. Because ducks can't hover. Yeah. So you're just sort of drifting through the air like a glider with your arms out, sort of floating with no particular direction. You got to send these bad dogs to come pick up my. Yeah. So I grabbed two of the, I guess guess pikemen because they'd be behind the shield guys and i say bring them to the van and i point to payton and uh ron does the mercenary army have any like doctors or anything is there like a medic associated with this army that feels

like something they'd have doug would have something to do with it doug yeah doug's probably got a first aid kit back at the van. I feel like we should try, Doug should try to stabilize Ron and Peyton. Oh, so also I forgot to do Peyton's first death save. And he rolls a five, which is not enough. So that's one failure. Is he like, are his eyes open or anything?

His eyes are open, but nobody is home. Oh my God, I'm so stressed out. You're going to be okay, buddy. I look at soldiers, I guess Doug's here too. And I say, get them out of here and take care of them. Okay, so the bad dogs will, on their turn, they grab him and they will start moving. And Doug will basically be, it'll be like ER

where he's running with them, trying to heal Peyton as he goes. Okay, and then I guess I lift up the sword, which is still. It's like a catapult now, isn't it? It's like 60 yards. How much tension is on that thing? I was gonna bring it down on.

300 pounds. We need some help yeah i'll do strength check baby he's a fucking barbarian okay he's got people with them okay so also adrenaline it's like this is like lifting a car up that's like rolled over my kid or something also remember remember you can also you can retract it to when it's like the size of a dagger raise it activate it activate it, and then bring it down. That's true. Daryl knows that. You can bring it down on the arc.

When you're measuring your room in your house, you don't take the whole thing all the way out and try to measure the room. You start with it really small. Well, but first you play around with it like it's a lightsaber. Yeah, you make the lightsaber. And then you see how far you can make it go

before it breaks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you guys talking about penises? Yeah, we're talking about penises. Tape measure. Okay. Everything a man says is also about he has. It can be many things.

Okay, so I'm assuming everybody just has ran around making sure they're not touching the sword. So I retract it and I lift it up and then I shoot it up a hundred yards. I shoot it up a hundred yards. I come. I make my metaphorical dick

a hundred yards long and I point it straight into the sky, and I go, split! So that I won't bring it down on any of the soldiers. So they all move away. And I kill Glenn. And I slam. And I bring my massive unit down onto the scorpion.

This is peak Dungeons & Dragons. This is so fucking metal. This is why it was made. So, Glenn, make a disadvantage dexterity roll. I'm definitely not aiming it. I'm aiming it away from Glenn. I know, but A, it's a big sword, and B, he was directly behind the scorpion.

Can I roll dexterity to make sure I don't hit Glenn also? I'm aiming it. Sure, sure, sure. I'm aiming my... Beth is completely gone. Do I have friendly fire? It's the combination of eating out and then going... Oh, my God.

This is the fucking dumbest podcast ever. Ass and eating out and coming with a maintain measure. This is a good episode. I like this episode. This is a fun episode. I don't know what number I'm supposed to save to, but I got 16. You got a 16? Yeah, I got 15 plus one.

Okay, so that means it cancels out your disadvantage from being in the same lane. So it's a regular dexterity roll. Dex saving roll. By the boom. 18. 18 plus six. Okay. Describe how you dodge out of the way of this fucking sword. I think it's a regular dexterity saving roll but the boom 18 18 plus okay describe how you dodge out of the way this fucking sword i think it's just pure luck i'm writhing around so much

it's harder to hit a moving target so just by pure luck i'm just out of the way okay so what happens is i'm just like so all the bad dogs do exactly what you said when you said split because it was a great one word order so they just immediately move to the sides like you're parting the red sea and the sword comes down so he succeeds on his evasion roll and uh the scorpion as it's coming at it it dodges out of the way deftly how big is the scorpion though he's big but i mean how big is the blade did you bring it down flat end i'm just imagining that the scorpion is like the size of the bridge so i'm just imagining the scorpion doesn't really have anywhere to go but you know he like he did that he fucking he did uh uh you know like on an

acb barrel roll yeah well yeah yeah basically he like went up on his two left legs and like and it like went down right next to him or he's like an insect so he could just kind of like go upside down maybe oh i guess yeah you go on the bottom of the bridge that's way better yeah he sees it coming and he just climbs under the bridge and sort of stays there just like every spider that you've ever not known was next to you in your entire life.

Which is most spiders. It's also going to come down on Willy's head and Willy's going to roll. Cool. Oh, he's got to do it with disadvantage because he's high. Still cool. So the Dimadom sword comes down at Willie's head, like perfectly going to split his bald head in twain. And he's like still chuckling about all the pain that Glenn is in.

And then right as it's about to hit him, like a millimeter away from his fucking head, with insane lightning speed, his hand comes up and grabs the sword. Who the fuck is this guy? And black ooze starts to come from his veins in his hand and travels down the length of the sword and is beginning to creep towards you, essentially. And you feel it getting more brittle in your hand. OK, so he's he's like got death magic.

OK, so that was he was a magic the gathering player. He would have all black, all black, all black. Ron, it is now you're not was a Magic the Gathering player, he would have an all black turn. All black. Ron, it is now... You gotta get to death stays again. Yeah. Oh, shit. Fudge. I got a five. I failed. That's another failure, so you have one success, one failure. Okay, cool.

It is now Fred D's turn. I'm still racked with pain, right? Can I do anything here? Yeah. No, it it's an ongoing effect it just means until it's your next turn you have a disadvantage i'm good now see you're basically fine like you had the most horrible pain you've ever had but now it's passed this battle is like

prisoner of azkaban for ron and hermione it's like hermione turns into a cat and just is not in the movie ron's just passed out i'm sorry ron um i think i'm going to i'm gonna get up up and be like, oh, I don't know. So bad. And then taking any damage when you're calm will make you not calm anymore.

So if somebody hits Henry, he'll be out of it. OK, but is Henry like I assume Henry's gliding towards the van at this point. Yeah, he's actually going in kind of the right direction. OK, well, I think you're going to naturally kind of solve that problem on your own. The man gravity is going gonna do its work. So I'm close enough to get behind the lines now at this point, right?

Uh, yeah, for sure. So just to clarify, so far in the battle, Glenn has smoked a vape, Ron died, Henry turned into a duck and then just glided around and then Daryl fucking

blade-leapt off a giant sword, rescued two people, launched an attack with an entire army and then fucking judo-chopped a huge sword down on the, launched an attack with an entire army, and then fucking judo chopped a huge sword down on the two biggest bad guys in the entire game. Well, don't sell yourself short. You also tried to pick up Glenn

and then dropped him immediately. So I'm going to run. I think Daryl's shirt is also kind of ripped now. You know, it's like exposed. Stop it. We've established that he's hotter now. Well, not hotter, skinnier. No, he's getting ug established that he's hotter now not hotter skinnier no he's getting

uglier because he's the Chris Pratt paradox yeah no yeah actually it's getting less sexy the more exposed you get so I'm going to run past

the line of defense and like and also you know give some encouraging words hey guys you're doing a good job you're killing it

out here I'm gonna give bardic inspiration to the entire army as I run by. Freddie, can I point of order? Would it not be you singing You've Got the Touch by Stan Bush to this army? I'm like, yeah, everyone, you guys are doing great. You got the touch.

And I'm waiting for them to respond. I realize they don't know the lyrics. It's you got the power, guys. It's a call and response. Like, you got the touch. And then all of them are like, you got the power. guys. It's a call and response. Like, you got the touch. And then all of them go, you got the power. And they feel inspired. Great.

1d8 for 10 minutes. Any ability check, attack roll, or saving roll. Fantastic. So that's their buff. And I'm running past. More like bar kick inspiration. So I'm going to take the time also here to cure my wounds because I'm too low. I heard that, Beth.

Thanks, Matt. I'm going to cast my fatty cure wounds. So that's 4d8 plus 3. So it was a dad joke? It was that, Beth. Thanks, Matt. I'm going to cast my fatty cure wounds. So that's 4d8 plus 3. So it was a dad joke? It was a dad joke. Okay, cool. So then you get a d4 of damage to redirect wherever you want and you get inspiration whenever you want. Oh, fabulous. I should lie about that all the time.

So you're unconscious and you're still like whatever the dad joke you just said was just sort of comes out of your lips out of uncontrollably. What's that, Ron? More like barking inspiration. I heal 23. Ooh, big boy. So 20.

You all are keeping your spell slots counted and stuff too. Yeah, yeah, I have it there. You can't just go willy-nilly. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm up at 23 health now. Okay, cool. So, Henry, it is your turn.

Okay, what can I do with all my Zen shit? You can do whatever you want to as long as it sort of makes sense personality-wise because a Zen guy wouldn't attack. A Zen guy wouldn't do that, but am I aware that I'm in danger? Like, what's the, what is my deal? You're aware of everything. It just kind of doesn't bother you that much. Like, you feel like it's gonna be fine.

Like, we've gotten out of worse scrapes than this. You objectively have not, but you feel like... You're listening to the end theme song of this podcast is what it is like me on an airplane after i have like three out of vans okay yeah i got matt on three out of vans energy okay so i'm just gonna keep gliding like i'm just gonna be like wow like this is a crazy place and a crazy time we're in i feel really connected to everyone even the people that are trying to kill me and like my dad, who I hate. Get that second mini bag of pretzels. Why don't you? Yeah, you know, treat myself. So I'm just going to glide towards the, oh, but you know, I do, I feel like I would see that Ron is in distress, right? Like, cause Ron is like, you know, not doing so hot right now. Right? Correct. Can I

cast spells in duck form? No, you would have to shapeshift back into your human form. Oh, well in that case, that's what I'm going to do. Okay. Where am I? Am I behind the army now? Yes, you are. All right. So I'm going to glide to the ground and turn back into a human. I see that my friend Ron, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like Ron is like having an experience where he's close to death, but I don't feel like it's Ron's time yet. I still feel like Ron has a lot to experience and explore this great and wonderful world

of ours. So I'm going to help him out right now, and I'm going to cast my third level healing word on Ron. That's a 3d4 plus three. Great. And the word is? The word is Ron. Nice. How much do I heal for?

11 hit points. Oh, wow. So that means you are immediately out of death save territory. You just pop back up. I'm alive. Unfortunately, your turn has already come and gone. Uh-oh. So a legendary action is, if you recall,

somebody doing something in response to what you've done. So Willie Stampler is going to take a legendary action, and he is going to cast Teleport. Oh, man. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy so so he sort of sees a fracas with all the phalanx of guards and stuff because it must be something important there so he points and he snaps his fingers and suddenly daryl you're still in the circle right yeah so you suddenly see willie stampler just appear right

next to you okay Okay. So that was his reaction, his legendary reaction. Now the bad dogs are going to go. First of all, Doug is going to try to heal Peyton. Good. So he fails, but that doesn't mean he gets an additional death save or anything like that. It's just there's too much jostling and the appearance

of this guy suddenly has made it very difficult. Doug's like, just put him down. I'll grab him. He's going to come up on the performance review. And then all the bad dogs surrounding you turn inward and start stabbing at Willie. It was like 10 pikemen, right? So about one, two, three, four, five people hit him for six damage each.

That's 30 damage to Willie. The shield guys also have damage still. They do. Oh, yeah, actually, yeah actually yeah okay that's fair so they'll they'll roll as well wouldn't be intense if we just like all through the dads died okay so that's another 25 damage so it takes 55 damage as they just sort of start hammering on him and stabbing him and the spears are like going in but they like stab and they penetrate the skin but maybe just kind of like bounces his body back and they kind of just come back out and blood's coming out and everything like that but it just seems like through sheer force of

will he's just like reducing the damage not reducing force of willy oh nice but he's basically just like too angry to be stopped by this shit and so all of them do a fair amount of damage to him but it looks like he's not really in a lot of trouble. He's bleeding from a bunch of holes. He's got some bruises all over him. But from his personality and from his demeanor, you might as well have tickled him with a feather. So he's going to take another legendary action. And he sees the way that Daryl is looking at Hayden and Doug.

Oh, no. And he sees Doug putting his hands on this kid. And he says, oh, so you care about this one? Don't even. He points with his finger. Are you fucking kidding me? And it begins to glow green. And Doug sees what's about to happen.

Look at the dice. I don't want Anthony to listen to this poor shit. And Doug leaps in front of Peyton as a bolt of green light emanates from Willie Sampler's hand. And it hits Doug. And Doug goes like, oh, that's not so, and then he begins to, and he immediately takes 84 points of damage and instantly vaporizes.

He turns to dust. Oh my God. Ashes to ashes. Doug to Doug. Okay, so Doug is now. I can't even pretend that I care. I was like, oh, I was like, no. You're about to care

because Payton's about to get another death save. Yeah, no, I feel bad. That's the only thing I'm not sad. That's the only thing that bums me out is like he's trying to save Payton. Okay, so Payton's gonna death save. That's a five, so another failure.

One more failed save and Payton is dead. What? The shield bearers and the pikemen around you, the 10 of them, they're gonna look to you daryl and be like get the kid out i mean yeah that's what you said right yeah okay cool so two shield bearers are gonna grab him and one's gonna put a shield on his back one's gonna hold a shield forward and they're gonna basically do like a mini phalanx surrounding him and they're just gonna start sprinting so they managed to get him away so now he's away from the phalanx and

they're gonna spend their whole turn doing that so they are outside of dashing distance the pikemen on the bridge are like well he's under the bridge now we're not quite sure what to do about that so they kind of like back up and sort of wait for him to show himself the archers probably just see bill close to standing on the fucking bridge yeah that's right what does bill do he's just staying in there clearly the glen of his trio yeah he's just like he's just like, and like pointing at stuff. So Bill is just sort of standing on the bridge like, uh, and the pythons

aren't going to get closer to him to run the risk of getting flanked by the scorpion. But the archers are going to look at Glenn and be like, is he, is that a target? Yes. Okay, cool.

So they're all going to attack Bill. All right, so they do another 80 damage and he's still looking pretty good. Ooh, baby. These are some heavy boys uh you hear the gladiator theme blaring really loudly because you never turn that off and you see both lark and sparrow at the driver's wheel fucking tokyo drip like not well like like it's like it's like a thing where they like kind of they slowed the car down and sort of slowly turn it

while they're trying to make it, like, skid on the ground because they don't quite know how to Tokyo Drift. But they basically bring the car in, and you see all of your kids are inside the car. They basically screech to a halt in front of Henry. So now it's the bad dad's turn again. Oh, my God. How many turns did these guys get?

They were just reacting. Yeah, those were just reactions. I wish our kids hadn't shown up here. I wish they drove the other direction. Alright, I'm going to speedrun this shit. You'd go rescue your dad. No, I know. But... Not this dad. Okay, so Barry Oak

comes back up onto the bridge, transforms back into his human form, raises a leg, and slams it down on the bridge, and suddenly pillars of stone shoot out of the bridge upward really quickly and they like send the shield bearers and the pikemen in the front lines scattering like it's just like this like boom and like 20 shield bearers and 20 pikemen fall off of the bridge into the abyss basically and they scream all no they don't scream all the way down

because they're fucking professionals um oh my God, this is devastating. They bark. They bark. Yeah, they bark. So he's an earthbender. Yeah. And then, I got you, Matt.

That was kind of funny. No, it's very tough. I was trying to understand what, yeah, so it's like literally like,

he earthbends. I feel bad that I dunked on your joke like that. I was trying to make a joke. I was trying to understand that. I was trying to understand the world.

So everybody flew off. Nobody like flew up in the air and then landed back down. No, a bunch of them did. Yeah. There's about five guys on top of these pillars just being like, uh, we don't have any range weapons.

We're really high up, but at least we're alive. And then Bill's going to run up and just be like, they're getting away. So that's his turn. And then, and then Willie is going to, for the first time,

Darrell, you see him look down and realize for the first time, like, oh, I got stabbed a bunch. That's inconvenient. And he just raises out his hands and then just starts running around the center of this phalanx, just slapping people in the fucking face, just like hard and like with a practiced hand. And every single slap that he leaves leaves a black mark. And just like you saw on the sword, the black starts spreading over them. And they're screaming and they fall to the ground like in horrible horrible agony so that's the dad's turn the bad dad's turns how many people does he take out he takes out 15 people so where are we now

with our mercenary army so right now you have 66 archers 31 shield bearers and 30 pikemen left all right you still about two-thirds left all right or more way more than two-thirds okay so it is daryl's turn so this uh rot is moving up the sword so i got two attacks because i'm barbarian that's what i get to do and then i have a reckless attack which means i get advantage so i saw him slap everybody all right well i go ahead and i spin the sword i spin it around okay now now i'm good at it so i'm like retracting it but not enough that like the the uh if you retract it it's gonna take the fucking momentum and down the fucking okay so then i spin it and i'm trying to hit him with the rod willy he's like super close and it's a super long sword you sure may just

ditch that sword dude huh who fuck the sword's done right i want it but like i'm trying to see if it's like if it's like i think it's so big at this point like you can't do that without retracting it a lot so which which again you can but it means that the rot will get closer to you oh yeah i'm gonna like it the idea is that i i'm watching it so i don't like it close enough to me and then i that's not how dnd works you don't get to go like no i do it but like really carefully so the bad thing that should happen doesn't happen to me i also i feel like it's gonna be pokemon rules with this rot like like it doesn't i don't know that like i mean this rot came out of his veins that's remember that's fair pokemon no it's true i get it yeah it's like water on a water poke do we just gotta

get out of here man it's time for a tactical retreat i know but he's in between me where's freddy where's where's glenn he's still on the bridge so basically from left to right if you're imagining this as a sort of two-dimensional thing it goes the van then henry then two mercenaries like pulling paven out then willie and daryl and the phalanx of troops and ron yep and then glenn and then the bridge and a bunch of shit going on on the bridge including bill close and uh the scorpion guy barry and uh yeah so that's where everybody is okay so since i have two attacks can i pull off an attack and then dash or like run when you want to attack, you can attack twice,

but you have to still spend an action to attack. Okay. But I can still run. You can still spend both actions to dash essentially. Yeah. Okay. And I have fast movement. So I would run 40 feet.

Oh, great. Okay. So I would run out of his range. Yes. Absolutely. Spells. Yeah.

Okay. So if you take like a, cause we've been inscribing it as a tape measure. So especially like really good tape measures, like they're really strong. You pull it out and then you press the button for it to retract and then you let go. Yeah. And they're like I'm doing that with a sword.

Okay. I'm like holding it. So it's like pointing towards him and I'm like retracting as fast as I can. I'm going to let go right when it goes that like even if it's just the handle, I'm just like sending the sword at really so he's going to roll. So he unfortunately he sees what you're doing and he just like with the least

amount of effort possible moves his head slightly to one side and the handle just misses him completely just sort of snaps shut down to being a the size of a tiny switchblade yeah and then the the black encompasses it entirely and then just sort of melts it away and then uh then i'm running i'm running with fast speed to um i guess i'm following payton but i'm heading towards the minivan okay Okay, cool. So that means you basically catch up with the two bad dogs that have Peyton. And I'm screaming and I scream, Grant, open the door. That is your turn.

So Ron, it is now your turn. Okay. You actually get to do something now. I'm sorry. You were in the phalanx, right? Because he grabbed you. Yes, yes, yes. So yeah, you can see your dad and you can see 10 remaining bad dogs.

Okay. I think that I'm going to use Ron's cantrip of thaumaturgy, Daddy's Home, a noise that sounds like the voice of Ron's father. Oh, perfect. And I think I'm going to, let's see, what's something that Willie could say that would get the other two to not pursue? You could tell them to run away or something. Yeah, like We'll get them next time.

Like, go back to the castle, you fucking idiots. That's great. Go back to the castle, you fucking idiots is great. Oh my god. That's very good. They'll just roll wisdom to see if they can tell that it's not him. So they had disadvantage on the rolls because they're very scared of Willie. There's fucking Thanos over here.

So Barry Oak got a natural one. And so he goes, all right, man, whatever you say, man. Okay, not a problem. That's what he says, but oh, he goes, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, well and he's like that doesn't ah he just sort of shrugs and so willie hears that come out of you essentially and he looks back and sees barry oak running back in the castle and he turns back to look at you and he goes that's not what i sound like when i'm trying to be scary and he

leans over with his reaction and he grabs you by the the scruff of your shirt and he goes this is what i'm trying to fucking sound like when i'm being scary so roll wisdom okay hi welcome to willie the first truly toxic character on daddy okay i got a 14 okay roll again all right you got disadvantage because it's your dad i got seven okay so uh you are uh so terrified now that any direction you move, it has to be away from him. He's basically caused fear in you. Okay. Oh, that's good.

You can tell that like it was less about the strategic value of it and more of just like he sees that fear cross your eyes again. He goes, ah, it's been a while since I've seen that. You have your turn. All right. I'm going to run. I'm going to run toward the van. Okay, cool.

Freddie. Can I? Now I'm a little bit behind behind i'm a little bit lagged here and there's a willy between me and my boys my bros my friends you said you can heal payton right i don't know if i can get to payton pains away from me though i've got to turn two if you can't you know i don't think i can how far away is your spell how far are you from the van touch i'm the farthest away of everybody. I've always been the farthest away from the van. You guys are the closest there. I'm going to try and cast hold person. Okay. Oh, okay. Huh? Oh, yeah, you go, go, go, go, go, go.

Yeah, I'm nervous. I'm very nervous. I have no choice. I got to clear off the I got to clear this. I'm a try to cast hold person. Choose a humanoid. See within range target must succeed on wisdom saving throw be paralyzed for the duration and that's a wisdom saving throw fourteen fourteen. Fortunately, he got a sixteen. See within range. Target must succeed on wisdom. Saving throw will be paralyzed for the duration. And that's a wisdom saving throw of 14. 14? Mm-hmm.

Fortunately, he got a 16. I'm sorry. Oh! Assuming you're also running, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So right away, I'm just sprinting, and I'm trying to be like, hey, man, chill!

Yeah, for the first time, it doesn't work. Whoa! I was like, what's going on? So now you're basically, you're within him being able to move and hit you if he wants to. All right, Will. So for one, I think like, what's going on? So now you're basically, you're within him being able to move and hit you if he wants to. All right, Will. So for one, I think like any dad, the sight of my two boys driving a minivan is going to ruin my chill.

Great, perfect. All right, so I snap out of it. I'm like, oh, my beautiful butt. And then they stop the car. I'm assuming four inches in front of my face. He almost run me over. And I'm like, oh, oh, oh. I look and I see, how far am I from Peyton?

You are definitely within like 15 feet of him. Okay, I'm within 15 feet. So I can't touch it. If I wanted to get in touch range, I'd have to move up to him. Correct, yes. Okay. You are not within touch distance right now.

First thing I am going to do is cast another healing word on Peyton. Okay. And because I'm really freaked out, I'm just going to say Ron again. I'm going to use another one of my third level spell slots to do that so that's another 3d4 plus three for payton so he and sits back up and goes oh oh i didn't like that at all oh no and he's crying like tears are just streaming down his face he's for the first time you see when you look at pain you just see a scared little boy oh oh payton uh he got 10 hp by

the way i don't know what that does for him that's pretty good okay uh and then i see glenn running towards us and i see you know glenn's pretty like a full tom cruise cool full tom cruise across the bridge in mission impossible 3 sprint okay sure and um i realized that he's going to be running straight past willie and he's looking a little worse than the wear, and I feel something ancestral and ancient spark within me, and I cast Guardian of Nature, which is a fourth-level spell. Do you get that when you join with Peta, or does that...

That's the $100 a month donation level of Greenpeace. A nature spirit answers your call and transforms you into a powerful guardian. The transformation lasts until the end of the spell you choose one of the following forms to assume primal beast or great tree i'm turning into a great fucking tree motherfuckers and my skin appears barky leaves sprout for my hair and i gain the following benefits 10 hit points i get a bunch of shit okay basically. Basically, I turn into a tree man. So as you do that, the leaves that become your hair or your hair that is now leaves,

some of it like wafts down in front of you and takes the shape of Aaron O'Neill's face. And she goes, just so you know, this is appropriative. I just look at Aaron and I'm like, I was going to say something real cool, but now you kind of ruined it. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Forget him here.

Forget him here. Whee! And then the leaves go back up into her hair. Don't ever run for office, though. The scrolls will come out. Look, I'm 2% tree, okay? Oh, God. So I turn into a giant tree, and I stare at Willie,

and I say, with the ancestral power of the oak, I command you to get thee hence! And I just scream at him, basically. Okay, cool. So you're sort of intimidating him? Yeah, we'll say it's an intimidation check. All right, yeah. Give me an intimidation roll.

Not so hot. I got a five. You intimidation roll not so high i got a five you got a five well he got a two um so i was not expecting a fucking big tree to show up so for the first time in your life ron you see just a millisecond of fear cross his face but even that is like more than you ever experienced from willie stampler and basically he'll have some disadvantage the next time he wants to do something um whoa so now it is the bad dog's turn so they're basically just going to attack the shit out of him everybody's going to attack everybody if they have access to so all the shield bearers that remain in the archers and the pikemen are going to try to attack actually the archers go target with a question mark at

the end target i don't know i don't need i don't need what do you need a target it's milk willie willie right willie okay so everybody remaining just fucking goes after willie and like they wait for the arrows to come in and i mean yeah it's not gonna matter it's not gonna kill him can you imagine i'm saying that would be it's like oh, yeah, and they just kill these Dead a bunch of the arrows like into him and stick into his body and then the horki pine It's probably make it hard to move just make some hard to get a lot of really bad mobility He's like Boromir at the end of a fucking fellowship to sure Mifune and And they stab him bunch times the shield bears get on and start wailing on him and shit and for a second you just can't See him beneath this like flood of bodies. The shield bear's going to start wailing on him and shit. And for a second, you just can't see him beneath this flood of

bodies, essentially, that are trying to fuck with him. Oh, I've seen anime. I know what's going to happen. And the exact thing that you think would happen happens! And he stands up all strong, and they explode outward, and the camera goes and moves around him as these fucking people fly everywhere and shit. An anime boosh. An anime boosh, if you will.

Daryl, it is now your turn. Yeah, so, okay. Get the fuck out of here, boys. Yeah, I'm staring at Henry's turned into a tree, and then I just have to, like, shake it off for a second. I've seen him turn into a small bird, a duck, and a tree within the, I guess, what has this been, like, 14 seconds. Yeah.

Daryl shakes it off, and I run, and I pick up Peyton, and I'm running into the minivan. Okay. And as I pick up Peyton, I say, you're going to be okay, but you're going to be okay. And I'm assuming the minivan is open. So the minivan is open and Peyton's like, I got the thing. I found the thing I wanted to, I wanted to give you. And like he's bleeding from his mouth and stuff like that.

He's like, I found it. And he's like rooting around in his fucking pockets and shit. That's okay. But you don't need to give it right now. You make it to the van then and grant's where grant is in the uh passenger seat okay so i put payton down and i look at grant and i go i love you son i'm so i'm so glad you're here and i and i uh i like pat him on the shoulder can't really reach over to him sure oh so you're in the back seat yeah yeah yeah the door is open well yeah lark and sparrow are driving yeah oh right right yeah yeah he like cocks his

head just a little bit back toward the back seat and just sort of nods silently just a real quick sharp nod like you're the good son well that was my turn all right beth i think i just run for the van okay um i don't know how i would roll for this, but I think Ron turns around as he's running and looks at Willie with no expression on his face. Like, no, just trying everything that he can to just not show any fear, just look sort of

neutral at him. Alright, as you do, you see him mouth the words, I'll be seeing you. And then when Ron gets the car, he sees Grant in the passenger seat and he's like, actually could I get shotgun?

From the back Terry Jr. goes, hi dad. Nice to see you too. He called you dad, dude. Hey Terry, it's me. Your dad. Your uncle is here too. Peyton?

What? Well, I don't know. I was just doing some kind of deductive reasoning because I thought that like if Peyton was also the dad of, wait, if Peyton was actually, when we're all like more conscious, I'll draw a diagram or something. But needless to say, Terry,

I think that we're more of a family. Grant's like primer? Like a diagram? something but i needless to say terry i i think that we're more of a family like primer like a like like a like like primer like a diagram uh no grant actually yeah could you get in the back there with um with terry and pete i thank you i guess our family is bigger than i ever thought okay freddie as i'm going in i guess i'll throw another hold person attempt back at Willie. He's got to be the 14. He fails. So he is stuck in place. And I shout, okay, boomer. And it stuns him to his core.

He's unable to move. Am I out of touch? Oh, no. He's like, wait, am I? Is this what I've become? Am I a boomer? As you're looking back at him you say okay boomer and before you can turn around like nick has already jumped out of the car

and he fucking high-fives you and he goes that's my fucking man hell yeah baby so you make it to the van yes all right will okay uh henry sees glenn get the burn of the century and it stuns him out of basically he did all this energy to get into guardian spirit form and then already half of his energy was thrown by aaron o'neill like questioning his woke level and he's like shit is this appropriative and then seeing glenn throw this monster boomer the other half of his brain half of it split into like him being like is boomer problematic should he be saying boomer and then the other half of him was like that was the harshest burn i've ever seen so henry turns back into a human and he just says bye guys and he runs for the van as well so inside you see lark and sparrow obviously in the driver's seat and they go father like in the exact same i

swoop them into a big bear hug and i just start crying oh and i And I kiss them both on the cheek and I say, we gotta get the hell out of here. And then I just kind of try to shove them into the back. Daddy's gonna drive now. When you hug them,

you could definitely feel one of them was like, and like trying to wriggle out of it. The other was like, yes, yes, this is the right way to show affection.

And after the episode, we'll look up and remember which of them is the love wolf and which is not. We'll have that straightened out by next episode. Thanks for listening. I'll get it tattooed

on my hands. All right. Did you get it tattooed on my hands. All right. Did you get it wrong? Yeah. No. So as you turn the car to drive away, the bad dogs as a group yell, Orders!

Retreat! With the frozen, furious, fuming image of Willie Stampler staring you down and the considerably less furious image of Bill Close on a distant bridge kind of like looking at you like squinting. You drive away followed by a bunch of retreating bad dogs

who also get on their horses and try to follow you as you drive away and you manage to escape Castle Ravenloft with your kids now knowing the identity of the big bads of this story so to speak but you definitely get a sense deep in your heart that this is not the last time that you will deal with them hey real quick payton were you uh did i hear you say you wanted to give something to daryl

oh yeah yeah like i got all right so uh matt close your eyes okay oh shit. I saw Anthony getting something out of his big book bag, and I was like, what the hell is it? Uh-oh. Put out your hand. The reason I'm not seeing what he's pulling out is I'm getting him some water from the back. Like, hey, Grant, can you get some water? This kid's hurt.

Hold out your hand. Open your hand. Okay. Anthony is walking over to Matt with something in his hand, which we cannot see. So I can feel it. So I feel like my hand hand like my other hand's like kind of like what's snapping and like pointing at payton and he puts something in my hand and the moment it touches my hand i can feel the exact texture and softness and the

give like a like a like a soft eraser wrapped in beautiful plastic and i turn and i say it can't be i open it and sure enough there's one charles and two in my hand yes uh it has been in my car since i thought you would get here so much sooner than you did i'm like oh it's got that perfect that softness that comes from sitting in your back pocket and you sit on it all day it feels wonderful i look at payton i go hey grant this one's for you kid and i chuck it at him and grant is like looking at you and it just bounces off his face he doesn't go to grab it or anything you can just eat that later

it's all right. It's all right. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, it's Daryl Wilson, Anthony Burge is our DM, Will Campos is Henry Oak, Beth May is Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong, is Glenn Close. Our theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Special thanks to our Patreon supporters for their unyielding support of our dad antics. Let us together right now immortalize the names of Hannah, Jacob Rogers, Ryan Warabets, Jack Goldstein, Aisto, someone named Tiget, Elmer Rabadan, Alex Contero, Stephanie, and Hana E. If we happen to have given you some good times, please consider supporting what we do at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. There's a bunch of great bonus content for you to peruse. EXL members this month have a new issue of daddy issues, which is our in character PDF newsletter.

And Anthony has our DM wrote a really good article on how to come up with memorable NPCs for your campaigns, all that and more at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. If the old wallet's committed to other causes, no worries. Maybe swing by iTunes and leave us a review or follow us on social media. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com, which is also the home of our merch store. New items are coming soon. I promise we're working hard to get all that stuff together.

But as you are probably well aware, the world is pretty wild right now. Twitter.com slash Dungeons and Dads are where them tweets at. Bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads is that private Facebook group. And the subreddit is r slash Dungeons and Daddies. Our next episode is coming out March 31st. By the way, Nadine, George says he loves you. And this is here. There was a time when you could read between the lines You know they never brought you down Never brought you down So he is going to cast Disintegrate. On who?

On Doug. It's fucked up that I'm a little like, oh, okay. I don't care. I don't care at all about Doug.