Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 3 - The Lord of Chaos

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

The dads travel to Neverwinter in search of Henry's two beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow.This episode contains profanity, violence, and sexual content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at... our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Four dads lost their boys When the van they were riding Got sucked into a void We learned they were sold into Slavery by the lands Daryl's cursed to kill his son underneath his skin Cause he promised when he shook his hand. All I think about.
Starting point is 00:00:46 Tried to help a dragon by the name of Caw-Taw. I believe it was Bard-Hawk. Boned up that one. Yeah, we sure did. When we killed his son. I did not kill. I put on the manly, manly bracelet. We're on the road to Neverwinter.
Starting point is 00:01:08 And on the gates they've hung The doodler drawn by Henry's sons Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a real play D&D podcast where four dads from our realm are flung into the Forgotten Real realms on the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong and I play Glenn Close, rock and roll cover band dad. Little fact about Glenn Close. I've mentioned this to my friends here, but I want to mention this to everybody out there listening, especially those of you who work at guitar companies. Glenn Close plays a guitar of indeterminate brand and origin, and it will be determined as such.
Starting point is 00:02:02 of indeterminate brand and origin, and it will be determined as such. And whenever said guitar company will contact me at F Wong about what guitar they want Glenn Close to play by sending me that guitar, guess what? That's canonically what Glenn Close will play. So right now, he plays an acoustic. It could be any type of acoustic. Gibson, Taylor, Fender, I'm looking at you.
Starting point is 00:02:19 You too could have a guitar owned by a character who is maybe the worst dad in the entire group, who lets his kids smoke pot and hasn't been around for the past 20 years. It's everything the Gibson brand aspires to. I'm Henry Oak, played by Will Campos. I should have said that the other way. Fun fact about Henry. He's a granola munching, sandal wearing, Birkenstock dad.
Starting point is 00:02:42 And his favorite TV show is the cult classic TV program known as Bones, featuring forensic anthropologist Dr. Temperance Bones Brennan and cocky FBI special agent Celie Booth. He can't get enough bones, this guy. How come the FBI agent's nickname isn't Joe FBI? Wouldn't that be more in line with the dumb naming convention of that show? You know, David Boreanaz deserves more respect with a neck that big
Starting point is 00:03:08 oh my god if David Boreanaz ever listens to this podcast wait hold on guys I'm so sorry I'm a huge fan it's not don't laugh about it I really love you anytime David Boreanaz
Starting point is 00:03:24 wants to come on this podcast. He's welcome to. Yeah. All these sponsors out there who can get me, David Borealis of indeterminate origin. Yes. Hey, what's up?
Starting point is 00:03:37 I'm Beth May. I play Ron Stampler. And the fun fact about Ron, he thinks that a hug is a type of dog oh my god my name is matthew arnold and i play daryl wilson a stay-at-home uh sports dad and um fun fact is my favorite tv show used to be bones but then the sixth season when they backdoor pilot the finder i really enjoyed that show i thought it was a little more macho but still upset that they canceled it after only six episodes.
Starting point is 00:04:06 I thought that was a house spinoff. No, The Finder is a bone spinoff. What? Why the fuck do you guys know so much about bones? Join us next week for Beth May's Bones Fan Podcast. Sounds like Daryl and Henry are going to have some bones talk to do on this episode and Henry are going to have some Bones talk to do
Starting point is 00:04:26 on this episode. We're going to have to organically find a way to get Bones to show up during the podcast. God. I think we've got to DM. Just a second. I've got to write down Bones. Just in case this is something I need to care about later on. God, I hope I don't have to care about it later on.
Starting point is 00:04:41 You should watch the show. It's a good show. I don't want to watch it. I don't like procedurals. So I'm Anthony Burch. I'm the Daddy Master. And I guess a fact about this game is that after we recorded our unaired pilot, which you may get to listen to one day, Beth was very proudly like,
Starting point is 00:04:56 I think my guy voice is so good, no one will know that a girl is playing Ron Stampley. She was like genuinely super proud of herself. And as you can now tell, it is basically the exact same as Beth's. I think the way she described it is actually, a girl is playing Ron Stampley. She was genuinely super proud of herself. And as you can now tell, it is basically the exact same as Best of All. I think the way she described it is actually she said, I was a little concerned that maybe people wouldn't know there was a girl on this podcast.
Starting point is 00:05:15 Is my voice too good? Is it too convincing? Should we introduce the show by saying just make sure everybody knows there is a girl on this podcast because nobody will be able to tell. Oh my God, yeah. I'm still a little bit worried. You guys will cut this out. People will never know. It's me, Ron. Welcome to episode three, The Lord of Chaos.
Starting point is 00:05:40 All right, so to briefly summarize where we last left our intrepid daddies, All right. So to briefly summarize where we last left our intrepid daddies, you had just sort of driven away from what is, to be completely frank, a side quest with a fairy dragon and his kids, and you found a way to sort of make things okay, even though you murdered one of the kids, but you basically gave him two gold rules. That was a solid draw, I think.
Starting point is 00:06:01 Yeah. Yeah, I'd say you left his life exactly as good as it was when you first met him. I think we might have defended the institution of dragon slavery, I'm not sure. Slightly. You kind of left it up to them. It's not enough to figure that one out. Either way, you finally made it to the city of Neverwinter, and
Starting point is 00:06:18 to your great surprise, upon the drawbridge leading into the city, you saw a very large banner that clearly depicted the Doodler, which is the mascot for West Rock Elementary's sports team, and more importantly, was initially drawn and conceived by Henry Oak's kids, Lark and Sparrow. I'm so proud of those two beautiful boys.
Starting point is 00:06:36 I'm so excited for them that their work is finally getting so much recognition. Have we established canonically what the hell the Doodler is? No. I don't think we should yeah the only thing that we the only thing i know is that darren wilson definitely does not like the doodler and thought the school should be called the grizzlies and he drew his own like really buff grizzly bear i caught him every time he sees the doodler and annoys him so that's all i know so it's so it's on like the drawbridge is that right there's a there's a banner basically you can see that there's a big old banner
Starting point is 00:07:05 that is like hung in front of what presumably was the city's original banner that you can still sort of see behind it that's like orange and gold. So they didn't bother taking it down? No, they were just like, we're just going to put this on top of this for a while. That's environmental storytelling, baby.
Starting point is 00:07:22 Hey guys, look at that doodler banner. They just put it over the original one. They must have done it rather quickly. Do you think this just happened? I don't know. I'm just still getting over the shock that they know what the doodler is. Yeah, tell me about it.
Starting point is 00:07:34 As you guys are talking, one of the parapets above the drawbridge, a guard, a human guard, sort of peeks over the side and goes, Who goes there? Darryl Wilson! Hello, you've got some gentlemen looking for their sons. Are we in the car?
Starting point is 00:07:48 Step-sons. And step-sons. Are we in the car? I think we are in the car. Who's in the front? I'm driving. You're driving. And then we'll say that Henry's sitting riding shotgun.
Starting point is 00:07:57 Yeah. What manner of beast is this? It's a... It's... I look at Henry Oak and I give him a sign to come up with something. It is an Odessi of Honda. A white beast from many a league far from here. From the land of the rising sun.
Starting point is 00:08:19 From the land of the rising sun. It has mighty circular wheels for feet and can carry many a soldier. But don't worry, it's dead. Do you have hermit crabs where you are? No, what is that? It's like a hermit crab. This was from the ocean. It's like a dead shell.
Starting point is 00:08:34 Yes, the shell of a mighty beast that we warriors slayed, and now we use it as our means of conveyance. Yeah, it protects you from rain. You guys have rain. Yeah, we have rain, you dick. It lets us travel and protect us from rain and sun. Just because we don't have hobo crabs doesn't mean that we don't have rain. So, yeah, it's the shell of a dead beast. Go ahead and roll persuasion.
Starting point is 00:08:59 That's a one. One? One? I'm going to try to assist. Minus one, zero. It doesn't matter if you assist. You fucked up too bad. He shouts, Alaro!
Starting point is 00:09:15 And four more guys appear on the parapets with crossbows aimed at the Honda Odyssey. I roll up the windows, by the way. Hey, guys, don't we have those spare soccer jerseys? Seeing as they got this thing up there, maybe we put it on and say that we're, you know... Good call, good call, good call. Let's pass out those jerseys.
Starting point is 00:09:36 They're all kid sizes, though. Who's the smallest of us? Definitely not me. I flex. I may be 5'4 and 120-ish pounds. Oh, you're so small. That's not the small part of me, though. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:10:01 All right, so I guess it's Ron. But only because I'm wearing the t-shirt on my torso, am I the smallest person to wear this small thing. Right, sure, sure. If it weren't on my torso, you'd have to get an extra extra large. Dad huddle. Ron, sit over there. You and your real dad huddle.
Starting point is 00:10:21 Real dad huddle. What do you mean? We'll be right back. Put that shirt on. Put that shirt on. Just put the shirt on and hum to yourself. Is Ron saying that he has a big wiener or a small wiener? I can't tell.
Starting point is 00:10:35 I have a huge wiener and a tiny little bunny. Like a disproportionate wiener, man. It's something that we're definitely going to have to find out, though. Okay. Let's table this conversation and definitely going to have to find out, though. Okay. Let's table this conversation and get back to the task at hand. Ron, how's the shirt coming along? It actually fits pretty good. I wore it on my torso.
Starting point is 00:10:53 I definitely think it's good that only one... We don't all need to go out with a doodler shirt. It's just in case. I'm not saying they will shoot you. I'm just saying that it's probably good that one of us steps out with a doodler shirt. I think Ron is the best man for the job because he's the smallest target. But the biggest in some ways, am I right? I wink at Ron.
Starting point is 00:11:11 Yes, yes, this is great, this is great. I step out of the van. I say, good luck, big boy, and I give you a slap on the butt as you get out of the minivan. You reach way over to get that butt slap in. Awkwardly. Is that thing where that seatbelt stops me it's just sort of graze
Starting point is 00:11:27 him with lightly with the tip of a finger that's way worse hey daryl daryl yo um what's up glenn i'm trying to talk like you hey daryl maybe like honk the horn and freak them out so they don't shoot at our boy ron i don't know if in a tense situation, honking a horn is the best option, but yeah, fuck it. All right, roll intimidation. Let's hope this goes better than the perception roll. 15 plus one, that's a 16. There we go. So you see the guards go, and they all sort of step back and they lower their crossbows for just a second.
Starting point is 00:12:02 And just as they're about to raise them, they see Ron Stampler walk out wearing the doodler shirt. And the first guard, the one that would initially call to you gasps audibly and says, another emissary that can't, that can't be right. What are you? Who are you? Ron vamp.
Starting point is 00:12:20 You wouldn't know. I mean, have you heard of me? Um, You wouldn't know. I mean, have you heard of me? I am the best dancer from my high school prom. And if you shot arrows, you wouldn't even be able to hit me.
Starting point is 00:12:34 So don't even deal. I put the car in reverse. Just getting ready. I'm frantically putting on a doodler shirt that I found in the backseat to try to get out there and help Ron out. Okay. I shake my head like, no, I got this. It's going really well.
Starting point is 00:12:51 It's going really well for me, Dad. Roll persuasion. Sixteen. So the guards all sort of exchange glances and they go like, he's even weirder than the other two. All right. I assume they'll want to see this one too.
Starting point is 00:13:09 Lower the drawbridge. Were there two? There were two others. Lower the drawbridge. Okay, I think that might be my boys. They were scared to see the doodler of dance. All right, Ron, you should get back in here. I think we should all put on doodler shirts.
Starting point is 00:13:23 Okay, everyone stuff on them doodlers. Do we have to roll to put on these shirts? I got natural 20. So you guys watch me. It's like you know those YouTube videos where like some lady like shows you how to like fold a shirt in one motion? You know how they do that? Love them. That happened, but onto me. Like somehow
Starting point is 00:13:39 I just put the shirt on. The biggest boy. The biggest boy. How'd that happen? It's really, it's not only is it form-fitting, it's like, damn, it looks like you lost five pounds. You look like one of those. You ever see the buff ref at a football game? The tailored to their bicep ref shirt? It's like Anderson Cooper in a war zone. It's like my tummy fat gets pushed up to my pecs in just the right way.
Starting point is 00:14:03 It looks buff. I'm like, damn, this shirt's feeling good. Looking good, too. Thanks, Ron. I'm big in some places, too. You know what I mean? And I wink. Yeah, your pecs are great.
Starting point is 00:14:14 That's what I meant. Gun roll for fits. I got an 11. I don't know what I add to that. You put it on. It rips in the back, but it's still on your torso. Okay, good. So you're kind of wearing it. What does a seven get me? A seven gets you nothing. You can't even fit inside of it. I'm going to leave it on. It rips in the back, but it's still on your torso. Okay, good. So you're kind of wearing it.
Starting point is 00:14:25 What does a seven get me? A seven gets you nothing. You can't even fit inside of it. I'm going to leave it off. I'm going to stick with my Harley Davidson jacket. I just want to say I do think Daryl looks in the mirror of the van, and he likes the way he looks for the first time in a long time. Wow.
Starting point is 00:14:39 He's just like, all right, I do pretty good. It's like a men's warehouse with the Doodler shirt. You're going to like the way you look. Henry notices Daryl Myron himself. He's like, hey, Doodler's not such a bad mascot after all, am I right? I start the car. All right, do you guys drive into the city? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:56 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. The previous city that you were at, Phandalin, was pretty cool. You saw some things you'd never seen before. You saw bipedal dragonborn and all that kind of stuff. But this is on a complete other level. This is like if somebody took New York City
Starting point is 00:15:08 and made it Lord of the Rings-ified, essentially. You see man-sized snakes slithering around on not legs, but just like, you know, whatever the part of a snake is that you consider to be their legs, their bottom half. Sounds like the Big Apple, am I right? Everyone take a D4 of damage! Oh, no. Stop doing this to us.
Starting point is 00:15:27 Okay, but Glenn takes half damage. And as the rest of you see Glenn sort of like, and almost accept it in a way rather than feel pain from it, it changes something in you as well. And so now from now on, when dad joke happens, you will take half of a D4 of damage just like Glenn does. Okay, but i took d4 right now uh yeah right right now you take the full d4 i took four i took three i didn't realize
Starting point is 00:15:52 that the dad jokes counted for out of character dad jokes too but i'm glad that they do if i feel pain everyone has to feel pain truly a daddy mask so uh yeah, you see buildings that are two, three stories high, whereas in the previous town you were in, it was all a lot of stuff that was low to the ground. You see a group of people walking around in black cloaks that initially are like, oh, they're just like people, but then you see a beak poking out of them and feathers, and you realize these are like bird people of some sort.
Starting point is 00:16:21 Choco-bros, if you will. That's too nerdy to be a dad joke, so we're fine. I wasn't trying, I was just saying it. And you see a lot of people hawking their wares, you know, jars full of liquids of colors that your brain can't even... Were the birds hawking the wares? Hawking their wares.
Starting point is 00:16:40 Okay, you know what? Never mind. I think we get the... I think we heal for that one. Just Freddy and Beth take a D6. A D6? Yeah, a D6. You get to half it, though, because of the previous rules I set down. That's definitely a D10 you just rolled.
Starting point is 00:16:57 You took nine damage for your D6. That's a clue. It's a cube. The one that looks like a cube is a D6. The one that looks like a dice? The one I didn't have. The one you didn't have. See, I can only use what I'm given.
Starting point is 00:17:06 I have a three. Okay, so you take one damage. Okay. I think it's unfair for us to be punished by your indiscretions. Hey, boys, how about we stop this car and just take a short rest really quick? Just because our daddy master won't join the flock. I lock all the car doors, and I look at the daddy master and say, hmm, can we take
Starting point is 00:17:26 a short rest? Sure. Sure, if you want, I'll take a short rest. You can. You can take a nap in the car. Alright. So this fantasy kingdom saw us pull up in a minivan, make four jokes, drive through the doors, and then take a nap. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:42 Daryl's tired, boys. I just stop the car and i instantly put my seat back definitely hitting glenn who's behind me and i just start snoring so first of all everybody takes short rest roll your hit die get that many hp back but because you took a short rest in a very civilized location you awake to see the guards that previously were talking to you on the the parapets all of them are surrounding the Honda Odyssey with spears drawn. Oh, good boy! Hey, why don't you go out there and talk to them again?
Starting point is 00:18:12 I unroll the window. Pardon us, for we are weary from our travels, but we are eager to make conversation with the previous two emissaries that entered this city. Do you happen to know where they are? The previous two emissaries that entered this city. Do you happen to know where they are? The previous two emissaries were destroyed or disappeared.
Starting point is 00:18:32 You must surely know this if you are also one of the Doodler's ilk. Sorry, Henry. How old and adorable were the two emissaries that proceeded? Did they have sandy brown hair, and were they, you know, they looked like they could be twins even though they were about... They looked like the same man. It was the same. It was one child but twice. And you destroyed them? No, no, no, no. We didn't destroy them. They came
Starting point is 00:18:51 to us in the night. Okay. They spoke very confusing words. They, in the night, disappeared and when the next day came, in their place was the Lord of Chaos. Surely you would know these things. You are of the emissary of the... The Lord of Chaos? Who is the who is the lord of chaos henry it might not be your kids really quick were they like were they like really dweeby and one and both kind of weak and kind of walked funny i i do not
Starting point is 00:19:16 know what the word dweeby means but they were certainly small and weak in as much as if i needed to fight them i'm sure i could before i strong. Oh, so they're not my kid. Neither of those kids are my kid. Terry's a big boy. They were loud, they were rambunctious, they spoke often of fighting. Oh my god, it's my two boys! Where are they now? Have they left?
Starting point is 00:19:39 We do not know. They disappeared in the night. And this lord of chaos that you speak of... Mayhap he devoured them. I'm gonna roll the window up guys what's going on i roll the window down and i lean out wait so your side yeah i rolled my window so you talked to a different guy that was like a different guy hey sorry that uh that guy's just having a tough day come over and talk to me so uh this lord of chaos you want me to walk around the this yeah just come over here i kind of like lean out like come over here you could get out um sure yeah i could do that i go ahead and i get out of the van i put my hand out daryl wilson nice to meet you another emissary yeah yeah yeah looks good on me right it does thanks put my hand down
Starting point is 00:20:18 i shake his hand he reaches out and shakes your hand all right so uh this lord of chaos uh what what exactly happened the The emissary, your progenitors came in. They spoke many confusing words. Like progenitors, am I right? Yeah. What does that word mean? I gently explained the word progenitors to Daryl.
Starting point is 00:20:36 Give me one sec. I roll down the window and I lean my head in so that Glenn can tell me what progenitors means. Progenitors is just like a real fancy, like Tolkien way of saying uh the people
Starting point is 00:20:46 that came before us what way what's tolkien yeah uh you know what don't worry about all right so anyways so okay they came those those dweeby kids came and then just like i'm googling progenitor uh no it's i did it wrong progenitor means descend uh the something descended from from you not think that preceded you. Do you want to change that? Because you'll want to say that there are kids. I thought that was progressive car insurance. We'll just roll with it.
Starting point is 00:21:11 It's fine. It's fine. This particular guard is not very well versed in vocabulary. So that's his thing now. He'll just say words slightly wrong. This guard has been studying for the SAT equivalent and has been kind of muddling up those big words, huh? Yes. So the wherewithal of the children came
Starting point is 00:21:28 and they disappeared. We know not why forth. When you say disappeared, do you mean they literally, you were staring at them and they disappeared or they went somewhere that you don't know where they went? We took them to the drunken drought tavern.
Starting point is 00:21:40 They laid down for the night. When we checked their room in the morning, they were gone. But the Lord of Chaos made himself known and demanded certain things of us. And I'm certain would like to see you. I unrolled the window again. You say my boys went to the inn. You didn't give them any sugar before bed, did you?
Starting point is 00:21:56 They availed themselves of the myriad of bakery treats and delights. Oh, dear God. What's the matter? I don't know if that inn is still standing. That's all. treats and delights. Oh, dear God. What's the matter? I don't know if that inn is still standing, that's all. We are not the
Starting point is 00:22:07 fathers of those two boys, and we are not responsible for any damages they may have incurred. That's between them and the owner of the place that they destroyed. I'm assuming that they destroyed. If they didn't destroy it, don't worry about it. It seemed to be pretty okay. I mean, the fathers of those two boys seemingly did not have fathers. Well, every
Starting point is 00:22:23 boy has a father. Yeah, sure. But they were not boys. They are like you, Emerson. Okay, we were going to send you to, you must meet the Lord of Chaos. This is far too confusing. Should we know anything about this Lord of, and we've met Lord of Chaoses before, but is there anything special about this Lord of Chaos that we should know about before we meet? Should we have weapons?
Starting point is 00:22:49 That is a very confusing question don't know the lord of chaos what the lord of chaos will do with you what he willed um i roll down the window i roll down my troll town i now roll down this guy who's this guy what's this guy's deal hey what's up how's it going um i look down i realize he's our jester i look down i realize i'm not dressed. I go, ah, right, right, right, and I roll the window back up. I've recovered my composition a little bit here. I've adjusted the shock of the situation, and I think we should call a quick dad huddle and talk about what's going on. All right. Give us one second, good sir, and I roll the windows up. Okay.
Starting point is 00:23:19 Okay, guys, so it sounds like... Wait, Henry, is this a real dad huddle? This is for all dads in the huddle. All dads in the huddle. Thanks, Henry, is this a real dad huddle? All dads in the huddle. All dads in the huddle. Thanks. Thanks, Henry. That means a lot.
Starting point is 00:23:36 It sounds to me like my boys came and made some sort of crazy bluff about what the doodler was. Maybe they think it's some sort of weird monster. I mean, it does look pretty hideous and terrifying. I'm willing to admit. But I think that's what gives it such great school spirit. It's kind of like that weird go on Henry yeah go ahead I think we should go see this Lord of Chaos guy because maybe he knows what happened to our kids yeah I'm okay
Starting point is 00:23:52 with that yeah just really quick Henry you really think we need a dad huddle to say that we're gonna go see the Lord of Chaos I just didn't I it seemed like we were I mean okay all right okay I just feel like it What the fuck? It seemed like we were, I mean, okay, all right, okay. I just feel like it could have been an email.
Starting point is 00:24:09 You didn't have to set a meeting. All right, well, at any rate, I think we should just keep going. I close the door and I go, fucking dude, there should have been a bear. And I go, yeah, let's go see this Lord of Chaos. Where should we drive our mighty hermit crab? You'll probably wish to go to Ankara the Entertaining's Pit of Myriad Delights. It's on the opposite side
Starting point is 00:24:28 of Docks District. And it gives you directions. You have to turn right and go past the bleeding elf. Take a third right. Sorry, the bleeding elephant? Yeah, the bleeding elf. The bleeding elf.
Starting point is 00:24:37 There's an elf that's standing on the corner that's just constantly bleeding and just with its hands out asking for coins. Sounds like my wife. Am I right, fellas? Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:24:45 No, she sounds like a good elf. and just with its hands out asking for coins. Sounds like my wife. Am I right, fellas? Oh, God. No, she sounds like a good elf. Let's proceed forward. Daryl Wilson holds the keys and he looks at Henry, who I'm assuming looks pretty upset, and he goes, hey, Henry. Yes, Daryl? I toss you the keys.
Starting point is 00:25:04 Hey, why don't you drive the beast? Maybe make sure your boys are all right. I mean, I haven't driven much bigger than a Kia Sorento before, but I guess I could try my hand at this. But thank you. Maybe this will give me something to focus on besides the fact that my kids might have been devoured by some sort of chaos, Lord. I'm not sure exactly what's going on.
Starting point is 00:25:20 All right, well, I'm going to go ahead and try to follow the directions to the Pit pit of myriad delights while he's driving can i do a sleight of hand check to try steal from some charleston shoes since he's distracted while driving yeah go ahead and do that with advantage sleight of hand that's a 19 plus uh one so 20 roll perception will i got a 12 plus 5 which is a 17 i do not see all right the theft of the Charleston shoes, but I would like to state for the record that I have been keeping count of the Charleston shoes.
Starting point is 00:25:52 So the next time Henry checks the books, he might sense something is amiss. I grab one, and I start pulling it, and I go for another one. This is a dark day for you. I got 19. You got another 19? I got a natural 20 oh my god i thought you wanted me to drive because i'm having a tough day just keep driving you sir
Starting point is 00:26:15 have an addiction to chocolate that you need to deal with and i will not have my trust undermined by the likes of you for some Charleston shoes. You get those when you earn them, sir. And I snatch it out of his hands. I look in the mirror and I don't look as good as I did a few moments ago. Do you like kind of like slouch? Yeah, I slouch. Nelson, all my
Starting point is 00:26:37 pecs fat goes back to my stomach. Roll a d20. 15. Okay. The shirt stays on. All right. This is turning into a magic micro. Some sensitive boys in this car. All right.
Starting point is 00:26:57 So I drive towards the directions that we got. Okay, great. Wait, did we pass the bleeding elf yet? Yeah. Okay. I pull up to the bleeding elf. All right. And I unroll the window. No, don't give them any money. And I say, hello, sir. Wait, did we pass the Bleeding Elf yet? Yeah. Okay, I pull up to the Bleeding Elf. All right. And I unroll the window.
Starting point is 00:27:06 No, don't give them any money. And I say, hello, sir, Bleeding Elf. Hello, alms, please. Well, I'm fresh out of alms, but I have one of these for you. And I give him the Charleston Chew while making direct eye contact with Daryl. This is a confectionary that maybe will help you in your travels, because it seems like you're having a tough day, sir. And maybe you could appreciate this
Starting point is 00:27:27 and some other people could have learned to appreciate not taking these things for granted. I've had a very tough life indeed. Let me partake of this confection. I feel like we also have a first aid kit, but yeah. No, the Charleston shoe will do. It won't help. That's very kind of you.
Starting point is 00:27:41 It won't. I've tried it. It's a thing. And he starts like unwrapping the Charleston shoe with his bloody fingers and it's all slippery. And he's like, this could take kind of you. I've tried it. It's a thing. And he starts unwrapping the Charleston Chew with his bloody fingers, and it's all slippery. And he's like, this could take a bit. And then he opens it and pops it in his mouth and starts to chew.
Starting point is 00:27:52 And he goes, ooh, delectable. Yeah. The most delicious thing I've tasted in a fort month. I truly appreciate this. Well, you have a good day, sir. I already am. Thank you. And I a good day, sir. I already am. Thank you. I roll up the window and I keep trying.
Starting point is 00:28:09 Daryl Wilson's very ashamed of himself. I think Ron thinks of his parents. Sorry, wish to expand upon that? No, just the dynamic. Just Ron is whisked back into his childhood, listening to Daryl and Henry. And yet there's a, there's a comfort to the way Daryl and Henry interact that was lacking in
Starting point is 00:28:33 Ron's parents, but still he thinks of them. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves.
Starting point is 00:28:59 At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. When you come up across the pit of myriad delights, you see that it is actually something of a misnomer. There are two pits, one of which... Wow, guys, this place is really the pits. right you all know what to do jesus we take half yeah you take a d form with half and will now has an inspiration how many is you have you got a lot you only ever have one inspiration i can only have one but you're just fucking clowning just showing off at this point so yeah in one of the pits, you see what is clearly just a very large number of people
Starting point is 00:29:46 having carnal knowledge of one another. Just every orifice, every possible thing you can imagine is happening in that pit. Is this the person who's studying the SAT again? Because I don't know. I don't know what carnal... They're having sex. Oh! It's a big orgy pit. Okay.
Starting point is 00:30:02 When I thought pit, I thought, like, you know, they throw people down and they die. So are we looking down this big pit? Or is it just a little... You're on a rise, basically. She bet I am. And there are two pits that both are basically the size of... You know in a three-ring circus, they're the size of a ring. So they're about 20 yards in diameter.
Starting point is 00:30:24 I've never heard somebody describe the size of one ring of a three-ring circus. of like a ring. So they're about 20 yards, 20 yards in diameter. I've never heard somebody describe the size of like as one ring of a three ring circus. Okay. Anthony Burge, old timey metaphor
Starting point is 00:30:33 for Sam. You've been to a three ring circus? A third of that. You know when you went to the fun fair with your best gal and you shared
Starting point is 00:30:40 a soda phosphate? Typical three ring circus dimensions, you know, the traveling Connie's. Okay. Enough of two elephants, back to back. You know how it is.
Starting point is 00:30:51 I've never heard so much BDSM in a not-BDSM podcast. Okay, so a bunch of people are fucking in one pit. In one ring. And in the other ring, you see a group of three adventurers. You see a guy with a bow and arrow and a dude with a big old sword and a and a shield and a guy who's like casting spells at things and they are being completely obliterated by what seems to be five completely unrelated creatures there's a flying hippogriff that just tears one's head off a small puppy dog that's just sort of standing there not
Starting point is 00:31:21 doing anything and then a vampire that's sucking the life out of one of the other guys. I just want to say Daryl Wilson has definitely not seen what's in the other pit. He's only looking at that one pit. The idea that Daryl Wilson's seeing this other stuff is absolutely not the case. He's still on the Cinemax pit. Yes, and he's like very uncomfortable as a pure boy.
Starting point is 00:31:39 As we're parked up there, I go hey Henry, make sure you set the parking break. We don't want to roll into either of these pits. Hey, Glenn, you're probably used to this stuff, huh? All right. Looks like a pretty good Sunday afternoon. Okay, so it appears there's a lot of weird stuff going on, gentlemen. Nothing weird about sex.
Starting point is 00:32:01 There are also crowds around both of the pits, and they're all cheering, and you can't really tell which one they're cheering for. Maybe it's for both of them. Maybe it's for everything. What kind of dog is that? What are you talking about there, Ron? What dog?
Starting point is 00:32:14 Can I roll to perceive what kind of dog that is? Go ahead. Gotta get a good look at that dog. I got a 12 and it looks like a hug. Yeah, it does. That's what you think
Starting point is 00:32:24 a hug looks like whatever that kind of dog is. Yep. There's also a ticket booth in front of the two pits. Basically, there's a staircase going down in front of it. It's a ticket booth with an ogre standing in front of it. Okay, so apparently, you know, I'd have to say if someone was telling me that a guy called the Lord of Chaos was throwing a party, this is kind of what I pictured it would look like so i think we're in the right place um i would say for the most part
Starting point is 00:32:49 try to keep your hands to yourselves guys uh and you know don't let anything get into your mouth or sort of like body area if anyone would like to uh too bad you got rid of those condoms i was about to say i have a second pack of condoms if anyone would like to put them on their hands so you don't touch anything gross. I think there's going to be a lot of fluids down there. Before we go in, though, I want to establish one rule. Anytime I'm on a field trip to a new place with my beautiful boys, we do a buddy system. So everyone in the van, pick a buddy to keep your eye on during the next little part of our escapade here.
Starting point is 00:33:21 Glenn, I'm going to say you're my buddy for today. So we got to watch out for each other. Now, Daryl, Ron,'re my buddy for today. So we got to watch out for each other. Now, Daryl, Ron, can you guys be good buddies to each other and look out for each other? I was thinking about taking the dog as a buddy. Ron, where in this orgy is there a dog? Is there really a
Starting point is 00:33:37 dog in this orgy? Just trust me, keep looking. Where's this dog? Okay, Glenn, I think you should be Daryl's buddy and I'll be Ron's buddy. Hey, Daryl, man. What's up, Glenn? It doesn't really change the longer you stare at it. Let's get our head in the game to use a sports analogy.
Starting point is 00:33:54 Okay, buddies together, united forever, let's go. And I open the door. I'm assuming you all exit the van? Yeah. Yeah. The ogre sees a bunch of you exiting the van, three of you wearing the shirts of the doodler, and says, oh, that's awful confusing.
Starting point is 00:34:08 Tell me about it. Are you other emissaries? We sure are, friend, and we're here to see the Lord of Chaos. Oh, the Lord of Chaos. I should probably go get the sheriff. Head on down to the ring without all the love making in it and i'll send the sheriff to come get you okay can i ask you a question go right ahead what's going on here uh we're here we're talking well i but what what's what manner of entertainment is this we're from out of town
Starting point is 00:34:38 and then the sauciest things get where we're from is a little sport known as professional wrestling uh which does not have quite as much erotic or we've got violent we've got professionals here in both in both rings uh i mean it's basically just it's all the enjoyments that life has to offer you have life in its conception and in life in its end it's sort of the whole gamut of the of the human experience that's beautiful that sounds like a good career track. You know anybody? I've got business cards. Can anybody just go in that pit?
Starting point is 00:35:11 If we wanted to go in that pit? Which one? The pit. Wait, I finally noticed there's another pit. Oh my god! Never mind. What were we doing? We're here to see the Lord of Chaos get get our sons back the sheriff we're finding a sheriff so as you guys are talking um a
Starting point is 00:35:32 frustratingly handsome man comes up to you and for the first time since you put on that shirt you see something that is slightly more attractive than than you are you talking to me yeah i'm talking to daryl directly at me yeah sorry daryl. Daryl, for the first time, you're like, oh, that's what a properly handsome man who's handsome all the time looks like. Who doesn't need clothing-based peck enhancement. He has a very large emblem that looks like a silver shield on his lapel, and he
Starting point is 00:35:56 says, oh, that's quite perplexing. Hi, I'm Sheriff... Fuck, what is the name I gave this idiot? Boreanaz. Hi, I'm Sheriff B what is the name I gave this to you again hi I'm Sheriff Boreanaz that name snaps me out of looking at the orgy and I turn
Starting point is 00:36:12 and I feel like for a second he does look like David Boreanaz he looks exactly like David Boreanaz he looks just like him he looks like peak David Boreanaz like season 5 of Angel David Boreanaz I would go season 3 but let's go on. I go, oh,
Starting point is 00:36:28 hi, I'm Willie. I'm Daryl Daryl. Hi, nice to meet you. I put my hand out. He puts out his hand for a handshake, and it is so strong. It is the strongest handshake you've ever had. Oh, got quite a grip there, buddy. I'm
Starting point is 00:36:43 Wilson, Daryl, and these are my friends. Henry and... Hi, I'm Beth. I mean, I'm Ron. I know somebody who would like you, though. Her name's Beth. So he looks you all over with a discerning gaze, and he... I shiver.
Starting point is 00:37:08 Involuntary shiver. He draws a single finger across his chin in thought, and he says, At the count of three, all of you are going to tell me what your purpose here is. I'm sorry, I have a question. One. At once? Do we all go at once? Yes, all of you.
Starting point is 00:37:27 Three beat or like on the word? Three, two, one, go. You're all going to tell me why you're here. Three, two, one, go. You're beautiful. We're emissaries from another town. So all of you said different things. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:37:43 Yeah, we're emissaries. We're looking. The Lord of Chaos. That's what the lord of chaos. Can we call a dad huddle finally? Excuse us for one moment, sir. Mr. Boreanaz, we're gonna, we'll be right back. Guys, that guy's really handsome, right? What? I didn't notice. Okay, well
Starting point is 00:37:56 I just wanted to clear the air on that. Is this a real dad huddle? This is a real dad huddle. Okay, because I could stay with I'd say out of the huddle. Ron. I'd grab Ron. Okay, alright. You're a real dad. say out of the huddle. Ron, I grab Ron. Okay, all right. You're a real dad. You're a real dad, Ron.
Starting point is 00:38:09 Sure. I put both my hands on Ron's shoulder. You're a real dad. Ron tries not to cry. All right, let's do this. Dad huddle. Okay, I actually think, despite the fact that I blurted out that we're emissaries because I'm scared, I think we need to just tell the truth.
Starting point is 00:38:22 I think that's the simplest thing. Sounds like this guy's a stickler for bullshit. Let's just give it to him straight between the eyes and just be straight shooters with him. Okay? Does that sound like a plan? Yeah. Okay. Sir, we'd like to redo our answer.
Starting point is 00:38:35 He smirks a little bit in a knowing way. He says, I thought you might. We are from another world. We tumbled through a portal into your world, along with our sons who are missing. And this doodle that you see, this is, in our world, what's known as a soccer jersey and a mascot. Do you guys have sports here?
Starting point is 00:38:59 Like, you know, is there like a, like, for the people who do the fucking, are they like, do they have like a guy that they wear, like that they sell toys of? Like a sponsor? Like a sponsor. Yes, there are many people who do the fucking, are they like, do they have like a guy that they wear, like that they sell toys of? Oh, like a sponsor? Yeah, like a sponsor. Yes,
Starting point is 00:39:07 there are many fuck sponsors in the crowd. The doodler is the fuck sponsor. As he says fuck sponsor, you can see some of them wearing shirts that have like a bunch of logos on them.
Starting point is 00:39:17 Like, I never noticed that they had jerseys on. The doodle, the doodler is a sigil for the fuck sponsor of our children's soccer team. Your world sounds very debased.
Starting point is 00:39:30 It is. Well, that, that can't possibly be true because cards on the table, the children who came in, I'm assuming they were yours. His. Yes, mine. Yes. Yes. So they, by two beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow. Has anyone, they disappeared. That disappeared, that is known to you?
Starting point is 00:39:47 We've been informed, and we're hoping to rectify that situation vis-a-vis finding them. Right, right. I cannot specifically help you in that regard. I know not where they are. The Lord of Chaos may, but when they showed up, it was of great concern and interest to me because this doodler does resemble greatly an eldritch god that some of us among the
Starting point is 00:40:09 aristocracy... That thing? Looks like a god? Yes, it is unknowable and yet beautiful. It has many shapes and yet it is one. It is the perfection incarnate. I'm so proud of those boys. I just gotta say it again. But that's so strange because in our world it was just a fanciful flight.
Starting point is 00:40:27 That's a piece of shit. Sorry, I step away. In our world, it was just the fanciful flight of two beautiful boys' imagination. So that is equally perplexing what you tell me, sir. Well, doors have many keys, and it could be that the imaginations of your two beautiful children, who are fine the two fine children two okay children could unlock the door that that held the eldritch one oh so they kind of channeled some sort of ancient terror through their uh doodles as i knew it the door
Starting point is 00:40:57 was to be opened when blood was drawn from the unsung hero when blood was drawn from what is that like a zeppelin song? I don't, Glenn, does that do? That wasn't on Houses of the Holy, I gotta say, nor Physical Graffiti,
Starting point is 00:41:11 or any of the later, Coda, Mothership, no, none of them. The, the, the,
Starting point is 00:41:14 the second less carnal ring to your right that you can see, this is often used as a means of recreation, but as of late, I and the other, secret cult of the doodler, don't tell anybody, shh,
Starting point is 00:41:24 just stay between us. Wait, can you say that again? What did you say? The secret cult of the doodler, don't tell anybody, just stay between us. Wait, can you say that again? What did you say? The secret cult of the doodler, don't tell anybody. He said it was the secret cult of the doodler. The secret cult of the doodler? Stop saying it so loudly. So you called the doodler too?
Starting point is 00:41:36 I mean, we thought it was easiest after your children decided to go. It never had a name. We just referred to it as the Eldritch one and your kids came in and were like, it's called the doodler. So we now know its true name. Did you guys have like a renaming meeting or something? No, it happened pretty immediately
Starting point is 00:41:48 we all kind of looked at each other and were like, oh the doodler, that's a good name I'm impressed that you were able to take it up so perfectly, like so, you know, so soon Yeah, I mean we have a, we're very we're all sort of united of purpose. Fuck off! What are you guys talking about? Here's what I propose. I still cannot be certain, 100% certain that you
Starting point is 00:42:04 are not charlatans. You don't seem to have an air of magic about you that these two children did. They had magic about them? Oh, certainly. Henry, you did spray poison out of your fingertips. Oh, yeah. Oh, fair enough. Let me just say this.
Starting point is 00:42:19 In our world, they're called gifted. Okay, sure, gifted. You certainly seem to be lacking in these gifts of which you speak. Thank God. So I can give you an audience with the Lord of Chaos. All right. But I cannot be certain that you doing so would not set certain events into motion that would prevent the rising of the doodler, which is my priority, obviously.
Starting point is 00:42:46 The secret cult of the doodler, that's what you're part of, and you're going to arrange for us to meet the Lord of Chaos? Is that what's right? I could. I could arrange for you to meet the Lord of Chaos. But it is entirely possible that you fit to a different part of the prophecy
Starting point is 00:43:00 than the emissaries did. The emissaries' job within the prophecy that we have been operating on before your children arrived was basically that the emissaries did. The emissaries' job within the prophecy that we have been operating on before your children arrived was basically that the emissaries would show up, the Lord of Chaos would follow in his wake, and from there, the death of the unsung hero would summon the doodler
Starting point is 00:43:14 and thus the end of the world as we know it. But we would feel fine. But to be replaced with a better one. So you're like, okay with that. Oh yeah, it would be replaced with a better world. And we, as the children of the dood, it would be replaced with a better world. And we, as the children of the doodler, would bear the fruits
Starting point is 00:43:27 of that labor. Really quick, how deep is this pit where everybody's fucking? Here's another metaphor that I'm sure will mean nothing to you. It's the distance
Starting point is 00:43:35 from the scaffolding atop a theater stage at a high school down to the stage itself. And like, how did people get down there? There's stairs. Okay.
Starting point is 00:43:44 Daryl Wilson starts walking towards the stairs. Okay. And he the stairs okay and he starts heading down oh you're ahead of me i was about to suggest that you go to the to the the ring of combat the con no daryl doesn't hear me that must be you might be the unsung heroes daryl wilson is walking into the pit the orgy pit oh so he so that one just okay so That one's clearly not the unsung hero. Daryl, do you want a Charleston shoe today or not? I just want to take a quick look. I start going down the stairs. Daryl, I grab Daryl and try to pull him back.
Starting point is 00:44:13 Roll dexterity opposed. Both of you roll dexterity. 13 plus 1. 17. Okay, so you catch Daryl's shirt just as he's about to... And it rips off. He gets Daryl's shirt and it he's about to, and it rips off. He gets Daryl's shirt, and it tears from the back, and then just sort of, woof, and then all of the. So wait, that means that now he's unencumbered and shirtless and walking towards the orgy pit.
Starting point is 00:44:34 Oh, yeah, I guess so. From the back, I go, rock on, man. Wait, so Henry tore my shirt off. Yeah. I look at my five-year-old self. I look at Henry, and I push him into the pit. What are you doing? You don't want
Starting point is 00:44:45 to go in the pit oh i'm halfway i would say i'm halfway downstairs but i was walking down this orgy pit and henry henry came and tore my shirt and i just push him okay roll roll roll an attack at him it'll be it'll be for no damage but it'll be 19 oh my god okay do i do an opposing or what do i do uh yeah once you roll dexter, see if you can get out of the way. I'm going to go ahead and use inspiration. Yeah. The long shot there. I fall into the pit.
Starting point is 00:45:12 Can I help? He's my buddy. Ron and I are standing back being like, Hey, you think we should do something about our buddies? All right. As I fall into the pit, I go, Glenn,
Starting point is 00:45:18 he's your buddy. Harry, I was, I just wanted, I just want to take a look. I start covering myself up, embarrassed. Okay, so, uh, alright, shit. Boy, oh boy.
Starting point is 00:45:30 So Henry hits the ground of the fuck pit, and you take a d6 of damage. Okay, I can do that. I take 4 damage. And as you hit the ground, a half-elf and a half-c that are scissoring one another sort of turn to look at you, and they go,
Starting point is 00:45:48 what manner of beast is this? This beast is married. Sorry, I gotta go. Ooh, marriage. The delight of infidelity. Come closer, may have. Is this a consensual pit? I'm out.
Starting point is 00:46:00 I fell in my accident. We're all back in set. If you don't want to do it, you can bounce. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go, but you guys keep having fun. That's very cool. That's fine. That's too bad. We'll be here in set. If you don't want to do, you could you could bounce. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. But you guys keep having fun. That's very that's very cool. That's fine. That's too bad. We'll be here if you
Starting point is 00:46:07 change your mind. I scoot through as cleanly and carefully as I can while avoiding eye contact with anything I'm seeing, which makes it very hard fluids. Am I right? Yeah. Roll dexterity. I've got an 18. All right. You come through dry.
Starting point is 00:46:23 Come through clean. All right. You come through dry. Come through clean. All right. Sorry about that, Harry. I glare at Daryl, and then I pull out another Charleston Chew, and I throw it into the pit. You're down dose today, buddy. You hear a voice go,
Starting point is 00:46:40 ooh, delights of many varieties today. I run into the minivan and get my original shirt and put it on. So I walk back up to the sheriff. All right. So he goes, all right, so I guess I'm sort of rethinking my whole you guys are the unsung heroes thing. And it seems like y'all are just a bunch of crazy people. I could have been a hero.
Starting point is 00:46:58 I just didn't do it. I just wasn't heroic. Yeah, that's by definition not heroic. Oh. I've had a bit of a an afternoon here clearly i want to see if i can cinch my saddle so to speak around what does that mean that's that's all cowboy slang henry is a big fan of classic cowboy cinema and uh and and slang of the old west so uh what i'm trying to say here pilgrim he finds them very problematic though like at the same time
Starting point is 00:47:21 he's uncomfortable it's truly his guilty pleasure his white guilty pleasure so let me see if i can figure this out here so there's an ancient eldritch god yes yes and there's a prophecy yes that an emissary will show up of the god specifically two which is why and the fact that they're twins i'm sure is like some sort of weird omen as well no that was just sort of a fun bonus. Okay. So then, but then after the emissaries show up, an unsung hero shows up and dies, and then the doodler is called forth. Yeah, it was not necessarily dies, but yes, once the blood of the unsung hero is spilled before the eyes of the Lord of Chaos, then yes, supposedly the doodler should be called forth.
Starting point is 00:48:02 I see. So you want us to go spill our blood essentially i want yes being that you are so unusual i was sort of hoping that just a little a little drop guys like jacked up here's a question i took four damage when i fell into the pit yes so we know you're clearly not an unsung hero okay and also we don't really know how much blood it is and also i'm thinking you four how how do you feel vis-a-vis the end of the world and the creation of a new one i don't care about this world as if it gets me home you guys do you i guess no i don't know i don't think i'm okay listen marriages end and new ones begin i don't but he's talking about like a whole world blowing up. Yeah. Marriage is the world
Starting point is 00:48:45 to me. Not to my father. Yeah, no, I'm good with whatever happens, happens out of the world. Yeah, I think it's pretty fine, man. Like, you know, sometimes this stuff happens. You got some cool songs out of it. You rock and roll into the apocalypse. I'm going to cut to the chase. What's the quickest
Starting point is 00:49:02 way for me to see my sons? Your sons? I don't know. The Lord of Chaos. My thought is that I would throw you into the fighting arena and then we would sort of see how you did and depending on whether or not the Lord of Chaos thinks that you're worthy, maybe he might consider you the unsung heroes and then want to meet with you. I see. So he's pretty hard to see. Oh, so he doesn't
Starting point is 00:49:17 want to meet with us right now. No, no, no. I don't bother the Lord of Chaos with anything that is not of the utmost importance. Oh, so you're like the man that decides whether or not we meet the big man. Yeah, I'm the man behind the man. Oh, okay. Okay, so guys, I think we should do some fighting here. I think we should get into this ring and maybe see if we can attract the attention of the Lord of Chaos.
Starting point is 00:49:35 It has to be that pit, though. Yes, it is the fighting pit, not the sex pit. Okay. If you wish to go use the sex pit afterward, you're more than welcome to, presuming that the people in there find you. No, we shouldn't. I take out my phone, which I don't know how much battery life I have. You actually have a lot of battery life
Starting point is 00:49:49 because you have a Nokia. I am texting. I feel really guilty. I'm texting a text message to Carol, my wife. I'm like, hey, you know, still trying to find the kids, having a fun time with the boys, not doing anything too crazy.
Starting point is 00:50:00 Love you. Hope you're not doing anything I wouldn't do or almost. Anyway, I love you, Carol. I'm texting that. LOL. Roll a d20 with advantage. That's a one. And that's a five.
Starting point is 00:50:14 Thank Christ you had advantage. Otherwise you would have run out of battery on the one. So you're fine. But basically now it's up to two. So when you roll, the next time you do anything with your phone, you'll have to make sure you don't get a one or a two. But you always get advantage because you have a Nokia brick. Nice. Perfect. That has a lot of but you always get advantage because you have a Nokia brick. Nice. Perfect.
Starting point is 00:50:27 That has a lot of battery life. Okay. So you send that text off. You get a response very quickly. That's just focus on the kids. I don't care if you're having fun with your friends. Our kids are gone. I fold up my phone and I put in my pocket.
Starting point is 00:50:41 I, all right. I mean, I, I mean, I, I feel like I'm starting to get a handle on whatever weird mystical powers are coursing through my body. We have to fight like a hand-to-hand
Starting point is 00:50:50 combat? Is that the kind of deal? You can fight whatever you want. The Lord of Chaos only seems to respect combat. The Lord of Chaos doesn't even like to look at the other pit, but the Lord of Chaos has a lot of interest in what happens in this combat pit. So it feels like if you can go in and do something impressive, maybe the Lord of Chaos will deign to meet with you one on one.
Starting point is 00:51:05 He's got to show the Lord of Chaos that we're big men. I go to the back of the minivan. Like, yeah, like, let's see Darnell do this, huh? And I get to the golf club. I go, are you ready for this, Henry? I'm ready because I really want to see my sons, and I'll kick anyone's ass that I need to to get to them, you know, which is slightly more aggro than I normally go.
Starting point is 00:51:20 But what the hey. I take my shirt off. I walk in with the golf club into the pit. Well, I guess if we're going to throw down, I guess my buddy wants to throw down. And then according to the buddy system, system,
Starting point is 00:51:30 Glenn, I got to go help my buddy out. So I take out my Kershaw brand everyday carry knife. I flick it open. I go, I guess we're fighting. Well, nothing makes me angrier than a middleman gatekeeping a career path.
Starting point is 00:51:41 So I take my razor sharp business cards and I stick them in my wallet and they barely stay in there because they're so frag and sharp. Okay, so nestled in with a lot of the other audience members and stuff is a small box like you might see at medieval nights or whatever for the king. Sorry, that'd be medieval times,
Starting point is 00:52:00 Anthony. Oh, sorry, medieval times. I'm so sorry. I was too busy pounding pussy while the rest of you were going to Medieval Times. And you see an eight-foot-tall... I'm so sorry I said that. Medieval Times is great, man. It's a great way to, if you want to have food and make sure that you're never more than 20 feet away
Starting point is 00:52:17 from horse shit, it's a great way to spend the night, yeah. I've never been. I'm guessing Medieval Times is going to sponsor the podcast. You see an 8 foot tall creature wearing a very large black coat that completely covers its body, its face is shadowed
Starting point is 00:52:34 looks like a ring wraith Henry, you in your heart know that this is the Lord of Chaos, this is this creature that seemingly replaced your kids or did away with them or something like that It's holding a hand up like this so that it can't see the sex ring, and it's just focusing on the combat ring.
Starting point is 00:52:49 Interesting. And so here's how this is going to work. Sort of breaking character for a second. I brought a bunch of creature cards that vary in level from zero to like five. So the way that this works is that because you're all level two, any creature that is level two is gonna be a well-balanced
Starting point is 00:53:06 Fight for you on its own in order to get the Lord of Chaos's favor. I'm gonna roll a d6 and If you roll a six then you've got his favor, you're fine. You're cool Okay, every creature you choose to pull from this deck which will fight you simultaneously Well, I give you a bonus If you pull one of these then you only need to get a five or a six. If you pull two of these, you can get a four, five, or six. Pull three and so on and so forth. But I'm going to pull them randomly. So there's no guarantee that what's going to come out is going to
Starting point is 00:53:31 be a balanced experience for you. Just to clarify, so we need to roll a six and then we get extra dice? Oh no, it just lowers the threshold for what impresses. Basically, yeah. So if you can't impress him, Boreanaz says if you don't impress the Lord of Chaos, clearly you weren't the chosen ones for what impresses him. Basically, yeah. So, like, if you can't impress him, Boreanaz says, if you don't impress the Lord of Chaos,
Starting point is 00:53:47 clearly you weren't the chosen ones. You have nothing to do with this prophecy. I will escort you on your way. Maybe if you're nice, I won't have you killed for knowing about the cult. You're only going to get one chance to impress the Lord of Chaos. Okay, so we get one chance. So if we fight three monsters, we have to roll a three, four, five, or six. But there's no way of knowing.
Starting point is 00:54:01 Basically, you're playing a risk-reward game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, interesting. And I'm assuming the other people we saw got killed, the other adventurers. Oh, yeah. As you come down into the fight pit, the corpses, or what's left of them, of the previous adventures that you saw are dragged away. The griffon and the dog and the other creatures are sort of put back into cages and lowered
Starting point is 00:54:17 underground on rudimentary pulley systems. Is the dog okay? The dog's fine. Okay, cool. Oh, the dog was one of the things they were fighting. I thought that was a hero. Here's a question. Why is the Lord of Chaos so intent on not looking at the sex pit?
Starting point is 00:54:31 That's what I want to know. That's very interesting to me. Because that, to me, gentlemen, seems like a weakness to be exploited. Here's what I'm thinking. This is out of character. This isn't Henry. I'm listening. I'm listening.
Starting point is 00:54:42 Are you saying we all get down? If we all fuck in front of the Lord of Chaos, he won't know what to do. What is the ultimate chaos? Henry whispers to his bros, if things go south in this arena, here's what I'm thinking. If we can't handle the monsters, what is going to impress the Lord
Starting point is 00:54:59 of Chaos more than getting a little crazy ourselves? I just, Hail Mary throws. I think we all got to get naked. Yeah, I mean, if we can't go out fighting, we should go out fucking. Because then, like, what is he looking away for? Because then he'll be looking. That's a good point. We show him what he doesn't want to look at, and maybe he'll respect that. Yeah, we want to go out
Starting point is 00:55:16 swinging one way or the other. Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. If I remember from one of my favorite movies is 300, and I remember. Of course it is. Of course it is. I remember the Spartans would fight like naked to like intimidate their enemies. I like what you're getting at, Henry. So maybe you're saying we should get new. I just start.
Starting point is 00:55:33 I just start. Daryl Wilson gets naked and I'm holding my golf club naked, ready to fight. I'm like, let's do this. Come on, Ron. Let's show us what you got. I look over at my buddy and I shrug and I'm like, I mean, I guess we're fighting naked. We're fighting naked. That's how the buddy system works.
Starting point is 00:55:46 Oh, save your sons, Henry. Oh, it's going to, if, if everyone's naked, but me, then I'm the naked one. And that's weird. Cause like, it's just, I'm a conformist. I'm going to go along with it. And I take off my clothes. Okay. All right.
Starting point is 00:55:56 All right. I take, I take off. I, Ron takes off his pants and then there's another pair of pants. Of that pair of pants. Okay. Come on, Ron. let's do this. All right, I take off the pants again, and there's just a really thick pair of underwear,
Starting point is 00:56:10 just like a really nice sort of boxer situation going on. What kind of print on the boxers? It's me undies. Use the code DUNGEONSANDDADDIES. I put it in my headphones when I start listening to a book from audible.com. It's just a bunch of Harry's razor blades. The Spartans would indeed become hairless before this battle.
Starting point is 00:56:40 Let's all shave our body hair. And the ring you notice has a square space in the middle of it. Shave your body hair because Madison Reuben Is changing the way women code Alright let's do this Okay alright well before Before you decide to So you're all naked huh
Starting point is 00:57:02 Except for Ron who's got like Anthony looks very upset. You're about to find out why. Oh no! Because I had this whole fight thing planned. And you get naked, and what you... When you're expecting to start choosing to fight some creatures,
Starting point is 00:57:18 what... Henry, you hear a very familiar set of voices go, No! And you see the Lord of Chaos throws off his cloak, and it is clearly Lark and Sparrow standing on top of each other's shoulders, and they go, damn! Dungeons and Daddies is Anthony Birch, Beth May, Matt Arnold, Will Campos, and myself, Freddie Wong. Theme song by Maxon Waller. We have some brand new podcast cover art drawn by Alex Moore. You can find him at NotAnotherAlex on Twitter
Starting point is 00:58:05 and Alex Moore Illustration on Instagram. You can find us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads and join our Facebook group at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please leave us an iTunes review because I'm told that deep in the unknowable depths of algorithmic recommendation engines that iTunes reviews are like the best
Starting point is 00:58:25 thing. It's the NOS to continue the automotive analogy that I was using there. We're sticking to new episodes every two weeks. So episode four will be coming out March 12th and we'll see you then. the lines you know they never brought you down never brought you down

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