Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 30 - Van on the Run

Episode Date: March 31, 2020

The dads, with their sons now back, flee from the Purple Robes and decide to lay low for the night.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, and animal cruelty/animal death.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Additional background audio by Sword Coast SoundscapesTheme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Our kids arrived just the other day Warped to the van in a magical way While we fought our dads cause it turned out they Were the purple robes that took them away And Willie seems to be the leader of the group He told Ron, I'll be seeing you, son

You know I'll be seeing you soon And the bad dogs covered as we withdrew. In our van with our kids and Peyton too. Gotta get home, but we don't know how. We're in trouble now. Boy, we're BDSM podcast. Occasionally, a D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the forgotten realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons my name is freddie wong i play glenn close the rock and roll christmas

cover band bard dad of the group and this week's glenn fact you guys ready for this yes give it to me in the long run of ways glenn has embarrassed nick as a father glenn has a fairly popular only fans account now for those of you i'm noticing that it's blank stares from across the room here only fans basically it's paid twitter and i remember when they first started when they first started they were like we're gonna get influencers we're gonna get all of these types of different people to like get their super fans to pay for their things and then within i think about 30 seconds it was like nope just porn it is just directly paying for pornography but but glenn does not know this so he got on and he was like oh cool i'll do guitar tips like teach people how

to like go up and down the minor pentatonic scale and stuff and got like a minor following all of his videos that say fingering in them oh my god he's like oh man what's going on and people just sign up and they don't stick around but uh yeah and of course whatever small following he has on only fans completely dwarfs nick's tiktok account so it's just a continuing source of embarrassment between the two of them according to google in 2016 the website only fans appeared as a way for bodybuilders personal personal trainers, and cooks to have a monetized social media feed. A premium Twitter where people paid a monthly subscription to see your recipes, workouts, and gym progress.

It's crazy that they started there. I didn't hear the word porn in there. I didn't hear the word porn in there at all. Okay. But to be fair, this seems like maybe like... I do have SafeSearch on. I do have to get my mom to disable the V-chip on my laptop. i do have to get my mom to disable the v chip on my laptop it's gonna be great because you know that like all of our kids will be completely unable to get

around the ironclad security that will come up because we were born in like sing sing like like like we know all the tricks free porn like we know all the tricks like what tricks like we don't need tricks anymore i mean it's just like incognito mode. But we invented hiding your JPEG. Google, there's no tricks anymore. Google knows what we're doing. Google baked the trick into their browser. And the browser does say you can use it in case you wanted to, say, gift shop for someone. You can literally just grab a stranger's phone and yell porn at it.

It gives you porn. Well, my children are going to have to pay for Pornhub Premium, so how about that? Say, Billy, why don't you start a paper route to pay for that Bang Bros subscription? The way you said that made me feel like you'd be like, you can only go to Pornhub if you pay for Pornhub Premium.

I would be the dad who's like, no, Pornhub's the one you want. RedTube, it's too much for amateur stuff. It doesn't have the production value that you're looking for. And then I'd be like, you know, actually, Pornhub Premium has a special this week where premium is free. If I catch my kid with pirated porn, I'm going to make him finish all of it.

Oh! You said the worst thing. You said the worst thing that anyone's ever said. Wow! Fleshlight tag has been dethroned. Alright, off of that. Wow. Fleshlight tag has been dethroned. Boom. Oh. All right, off of that.

Hi, my name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. What porn site does Daryl use? Daryl's favorite porn site. Daryl pays for it. Daryl pays for porn like a goddamn American. That's what he does.

Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly

Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly

Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly

Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly Daryl's single-handedly. Daryl single-handedly cleaned the whole industry. Daryl paid for porn as well as everybody else to enjoy free porn.

For everyone, Daryl's a whale. No. Daryl probably paid for porn once and still thinks, like, I gotta make sure that credit card

from, like, when I was 17 is never found. Oh, my God. Somebody's gonna find out someday. Anyways, not even a really funny dad fact or anything.

This is just a simple dad fact. Daryl's favorite breakfast is frankeneggs, which was also his dad's frank's favorite breakfast, which is just a hot dog cut into eggs, which is what his dad would always have. And then on Father's Day, he does it with over easy eggs, even though he hates runny eggs, because that's how his dad always ate it. Oh, that's very wholesome. Frankeneggs is awesome. Daryl's favorite porn site. Yep, you got it. It's awesome. Gerald's favorite porn site. Yep, you got it.

You got it. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, hippie, crunchy, munchie, druid, nature dad in the Forgotten Realms, you know, for life. My mind has been racing for the last 30 seconds to do like a Henry's favorite porn is blank thing, but I can't come up with it. So maybe next week, guys. Henry's dad fact this week is... He doesn't have a favorite porn. It would make him feel bad. Like, they all work equally

hard. It's just like a saucy leaf that looked like it had boobs. Henry likes all natural. Henry's only beautiful shots of landscapes. Animal planet mating season. Now he doesn't J-O to animals. That's absurd. What was it? Sorry Now he doesn't J-O to animals. That's absurd. Sorry, we were talking about jerking off animals?

Sorry, keep going. Oh, wait. Roots? Like roots in dirt? Like the Civil War? Like the mini-series about African Americans? Oh my god, no! You said roots! There's no other context for the word roots! There is! Like roots that grow in the ground.

In the porn context, though? I don't understand. I thought maybe somebody might think it's sexy if roots from a tree is going inside the ground. That's evil death beyond. I do want to clarify that Henry likes nature, but Henry doesn't want to fuck the earth. the earth uh henry's dad fact this week is that henry's number one pet peeve in the world is that when you google the word fossil the first fucking three pages of google results are the watch not the actual fossils how do you get to the fossils on google that's what that's henry's big pet peeve this also will pet peeve that is a little preview of the rap album that I've been doing research on. And this is the level of geology we're dealing with here is me Googling the word fossil and then clicking through three pages of results about the watch brand.

So that really grinds Henry's gears. The first page of my Google when I type in fossil doesn't have a single thing about fossils. It's all about the watch company. It's just porn. It's just porn, dude. It's just porn. Hey, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week that actually doesn't have anything to do with porn. Ron has been skiing three times, and, you know, when you're first learning to ski, you

have to make your skis into a pizza shape yeah pizza shape so you don't french fries yeah yeah until you you're good enough for the french fries you know but um i think that ron thought that pizza was such a cool thing that he thought like that was the most advanced type of skiing like as long as you stay in the pizza wedge that's how you're looking like a cool dude on the slopes ron is correct that pizza is better than french fries so i gotta say like that checks out that's how you're looking like a cool dude on the slopes. Ron is correct that pizza is better than French fries. So I got to say like that checks out. That's a tough one.

Does it keep you slow? Is that why you stay in pizza form? Yeah. I've never been skiing, so I don't know why you do pizza form. Just keeps you in pizza form. And also he reads Playboy for the articles. I'm Anthony Burch. I don't read Playboy.

I don't read. I just look at the pictures. I'm the Birch. I don't read Playboy. I don't read. I just look at the pictures. I'm the opposite of Beth. My dad fact is, so Matt was my boss when I came to LA when we worked on a show called Rock and Jump the Show that nobody watched. That's a wild sentence to say.

It brings me back. Yeah, yeah. Matt, you were somebody's boss. Yeah, he was my boss. Now I'm his dad. Now the tables have turned. We were on set, and I can't remember why, but we got into a conversation about, like,

what's the funniest letter? And I was like, obviously, D, as in dog. And he goes, no, it's B, as in boy. And I went, why? And Matt goes, butt baby boy. And then I looked him in the face, and I went, dick daddy. And, like, nobody, like, it was that day.

I was like, man, I'm not really sure who won out. But now that this podcast exists I won Matt suck my ass wait what was Matt's again butt baby boy butt baby boy

I kind of like that yeah but Dungeons and Daddies pays his fucking rent that's true it took a long time but Anthony has won that fight I never fucking forget

a good struggle I thought you were going to talk about the time I just walked up to you and said, Hey, Andrew. I do remember that one. After two years of us knowing each other,

and me being to your wedding, and you being in mine. On set, I walked up with a deadly eye and confident. It wasn't like I forgot. I was like, Yo, Andrew. He had his hand out for a handshake, said, yo, Andrew. I went, what the fuck? And he kept walking at me while shaking his head going, I don't know, man.

Like his body was still in the like, hey, Andrew phase. And even though his brain was in the same state. It was like I lagged out and I just kept moving. Couldn't stop myself. I slapped his fucking hand away. You'll all be my butt baby boys forever. Butt baby boys. So to summarize briefly what happened last episode,

there was a lot of fighting. Doug died for Peyton. Peyton almost died. You got all your kids back. They drove up in a van to save you. It turns out that the dads are extremely powerful. They killed about a third of your troops in a really short fight. You

fled. You told the bad dogs to flee with you, and now you're in a van with Henry driving and Ron in shotgun. Where are you going to go? What are you going to do? You've got a van full of your kids, and you're surrounded by a bunch of bad dogs, and you know that somewhere behind you, Willie Stampler and Barry Oak and Bill

Close are probably going to be looking for you. Well, diehard reference, Bill clay. It's a Alan Rickman's alias. When he pretends to drive back to our home. First things first. So yeah,

you found the cheat code to beat Dungeons and Dragons. No. First things first, Henry turns behind me, goes seatbelts, seatbelts. Everyone got their seatbelts on. I'm already buckling grand behind me and goes, seatbelts, seatbelts. Everyone got their seatbelts on? I'm already buckling Grant's seatbelt

and I'm hugging him at the same time. I said, that was a great move, Grant. So smart. I'm glad. Oh, man. Do you still have the stone with you?

He goes, kind of, and he shows it to you and it basically, it's got a big ass crack down the middle of it so it's kind of in two halves now. And he goes, I mean,

I don't think you're supposed to. My goodness, Bethany. Freddy pointed at me. He knew. Oh, no. That's the edge of your house. There's a big old butt crack down the middle of the orb. And it's shattered.

And you can't. It seems like you probably can't use it. I mean, you used it pretty good. So good job. Yeah. No, thanks. Hey, did someone get the drone? No.

Oh, man. No, the drone, I guess. Who was using it? Doug, right? Doug was. Yeah, did someone get the drone? No. Oh, man. No, the drone, I guess. Who was using it? Doug, right? Doug was. Yeah, Doug was using it. So, yeah, sorry. I forgot to mention the last episode when Doug got vaporized,

you heard the clatter of the drone remote going down, and none of you thought to pick it up, I guess. So the drone was probably like auto land. It'll auto land once it runs out batteries in about 40 minutes or whatever. Yeah. No, it's actually a nuclear fusion in the future and it'll auto-land based on GPS on where it took off from back in our world. And the Fry's

electronics. Yeah, we just go back to the Fry's. So there are not enough seatbelts for all the kids, first of all. Fair enough. Fair enough. I think I like more or less sat on my children when I got in the car because they were, okay, right? Alright, Lark Sparrow, just see if you two of you can scooch in and just click the belt buckle around all three of us i guess just we got to be safe okay we got

to be safe we almost died yep they can use my seat belt i stand up as i come back here kids it was a good seat right here daryl don't stand up in the van though that's dangerous too i'd rather it be the kids you know have a seat belt than me though okay but just just hold on to something because yes ron uh terry do you want to share my seatbelt? Or maybe I have, let's see, I might have like a long sleeve t-shirt somewhere around here that I could just tie you to the chair with. Why are you wearing pants? It's a long story, actually. Your stepfather did something very brave and gave up his entire ability to wear pants so that we could find you. That's a very nice way of putting it. Really, I just, I did it for the betterment of humanity, Terry.

I'm something of a hero myself. Mr. Mustache, what's a good thing to tell my son about my pants situation? Something that makes me sound like really brave and really cool and really like dad. Like not like stepdad dad, but like dad dad. You could tell him that you lost him, like saving somebody's life. Like somebody was coming after you and you grabbed somebody and then the monster, like, grabbed your pants and pulled them off. I don't know, man.

I don't know. I didn't go to improv class. Mr. Mustache, I wish you had told me about the improv classes before you attached yourself to my face. This whole thing could... You put me on your face. You chose to do this. Oh, I put you on your face? Yeah. I'm just asking you a question again with a question in emphasis.

You want my questions real quick? Yes, and? Terry, I lost my pants saving somebody's life. My life. I would have died if it wasn't for Ron. You taking those pants off and using them on that monster. Tripping that monster.

Roll deception. With assist, right? We'll give you a plus two. Oh, yeah. It's going to be 21 with the plus two. Jesus. Oh, yeah.

Lied to my son. Oh, yeah. Nothing like it. So Terry Jr. looks at you and he like, huh? Andied to my son. Oh, yeah. Nothing like it. So Terry Jr. looks at you and he like, huh? And he nods and he goes, good job, dad. And a little prompt comes up and says, Terry Jr. will remember that. So he seems like he's actually pretty proud of you. Anthony, you're going to go ahead and note that in his stats in terms of where his alignment's going to be based on that.

That's actually not a bad idea to write that down as a note. Terry Jr., easy to lie to well now ron's like oh yikes i didn't know he that's the first time he's ever believed me something yeah it's only gonna worsen your anxiety i assume yeah all right gentlemen everyone where are we going what are we doing where am i taking this van i feel like we had this whole plan figured out up until us getting the kids and we should probably bring the mercenaries back immediately is like we need to go back and fight those dudes. Why are we running away from a good fight?

We were winning. That's not a good fight. No, you guys did a good job. It's a bad fight. You guys did a good job. We're going to bring you back, and we should all rest at the very least. Boring. Lark, the goal of this fight was to all survive and be together, and we won the fight.

We kicked this fight's butt by beating the fight to save you. But I saw that guy get like turned into dust. So we didn't all make it out. Well, someday I'm going to tell you about. He was weak. About Doug was very brave. He saved our friend Peyton. And we're all going to remember Doug

and what a brave thing he did. But Doug wasn't on the payroll. Doug was an unpaid intern. And that's what happens to them sometimes. And Lark takes out a notepad and writes that down. Hey, everyone. Meet Payden. Hey, guys. What's up? Yeah, Payden's like this kid we found

in the orphan. Well, you know what? Now that I think about where that sentence goes and where Lark and Sparrow, you guys kind of go towards, I'm just going to back that sentence off a little bit. Peyton's just a kid. Ixnayami. U-A-F-A-E-S-A.

Peyton's just a kid. I lean over to Grant and I whisper to him. I say, hey, so like Peyton, he doesn't really have any parents and we've been taking care of him. Like, you know, if you just be nice to him, I think you could use a friend. Terry, this is my half-brother, Peyton. I forgot about that. Peyton is is like i don't think we're half brothers that does i don't know i know but hey all right then then who is your your father figure

your your uh who's your daddy and what does he do who's who your daddy i mean yeah i your dad seems like the guy but i don't know i don't i just i just don't want us to be brothers that's just weird my dad is my dad, too. Yeah, that's something I guess that we have in common. So wait, I'm just beginning to realize those three people were your dads, right? Yes, that was my father, Barry. At least the spinning image of my pops. Okay, but Peyton, you're saying that Ron's dad, how do you know Ron's dad? The first thing that I remember, like the earliest memory that I have is Ron's dad being really mean.

What was he doing in the memory? That's my first memory too. Oh no, that's so sad. I don't know. He was like telling me that like I wasn't good enough and that I sucked and that I was going to be an asthmatic little shit forever and that he kicked me off into the bully wogs to fight.

Oh dang. And then several years went by that I met you guys. And things have never been better. Daryl just like hugs Peyton, like clenching his fist and just like staring daggers at Ron. Ron's watching that happen and he's like, huh. Ooh.

Grant will remember that. Ron, what's up with your dad? Uh, nothing. What's up with your dad? Guys. What's up with your dad? Guys, I just, I don't know what to say. I feel bad that he attacked all of us. I know that none of us have good dads. It's almost as if the patriarchy is set up to systematically hurt men.

But I- Hell yeah, brother. Preach. Mark's like i disagree basically what payton was saying is right the first things that i i ever remember is my dad being mean to me too and saying that i couldn't do things and stuff like that and now just like payton i met all of you guys and now things have never been better and guess what my my stepson is here and I'm looking at him in the eye right now and it's not weird at all.

It's not weird. We're just like making eye contact right here. You have not blinked in several minutes. I, no, I, I, now it hurts to blink, so I'm not going to ever. That's not how it works. You have to blink.

No, it's like my eyes are getting. Roll a perception. How would that even? How was that even... How was that possible? But it's a nat 20. I'm a nat 20. All right, well, then you notice that the entire time Sparrow has been hugging you around the waist,

and he's going, it's okay, baby. It's okay. It's all right. It's all right. Sparrow, what are you doing back there? I'm spreading the love. Okay, but just make sure to ask for consent Before you hug someone okay buddy

I'll put that in the old brain box Hey Ron can I hug you Yeah Sparrow of course That was Peyton's voice shit Can I hug you Yeah I mean aside from our impending death And sort of the mystery of how we're ever going to get home Or survive this things have never been better for me

When you say impending death All the kids kind of look to you daddies and they go like we're gonna we're gonna what's happening how do we get out we're gonna go home right we're going home i mean we're gonna try to find a way home but i mean if you can't tell it's pretty wild right now you were just kidnapped by your grandparents it appears not not you grant but everybody else's grandparents grant's like first things first we to get a lay of the land, get some Intel. And these boys have spent the most time with our prime enemy here. So Nick,

like, what can you tell us about these? Oh, by the way, you good? Am I good? Am I good? This guy asked if I'm good.

I hold a fist bump. He fist bumps you with a trembling hand that he tries to immediately like steady with his other hand. I'm good. I'm good, baby. Woo. And then it fist bumps you. a trembling hand that he tries to immediately like steady with his other hand. I'm good. I'm good, baby. Woo. And then it fist bumps you. I mean, maybe maybe we can talk to the kids.

But like, I got to ask you guys like they're your dads. What can you tell us? Like, why are your dads? Gosh, I don't know. Are your dads alive? When was the last time you talked to them? Like, did they disappear? Do you know why they took your kids?

No, no, no. I don't know. I don't know about this. Death seems to hold no dominion in this land and i'm not sure about this guy here so for the time being i'm just gonna assume he's not my dad and some sort of weird shape-shifting motherfucker who looks like my dad that's gonna be easier for me to process no hey lark sparrow yes can you guys plug your ears for a second and not listen to me like you always do certainly soarrow plugs his ears immediately.

And then Lark, I'll tell you whether he does it or not. Roll perception. I got a two. So yeah, he plugs his ears. Look, I haven't talked to my dad in a really, really, really long time. We had a big fight when I was a young man. And I left. And I don't even really have a lot of memories from

that time in my life. So we were not on gray terms. I just, I don't know what he's doing here. I'm, I'm, I'm as freaked out and confused as the rest of you. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. Not to press the issue, but this is important to me. Um, Glenn, is your dad alive or not? No, he's dead, man. So he died in our world. Yeah. And he's here. Willie died too. I mean, my dad, he didn't like me to call him Willie, but he drowned after being pulled in by a fish while fishing with his fancy big lure. Oh, man.

I still have the lure. You do? Yeah, I mean. You don't have it with you, do you? I do. Whoa. Wait, you're holding on to the lure that killed your dad? Well, he always wanted me to have it, but he never let me actually go fishing with him.

That's some pretty metal shit, man. So your two dads died, and you haven't seen your dad in a long time. I guess. I haven't talked to him since I left. He could have died, I guess. Oh, man. My dad died, but he wasn't here. Yeah, where's your dad? Why are our dads not here? I don't know. My dad died, but he wasn't here. So where's your dad?

My dad, my dad, I don't know. My dad died a long time ago, but, but like, I don't know. Was he like a,

my dad was the best. My dad was just the best guy ever. It's like, didn't you have the, the you're done. Your dad show up. When you do the thing where you protect everybody. We all saw your dad.

Your dad is George Washington. Yeah. He's like a less problematic George Washington, if I remember correctly. He's George Washington with all of his complications. Nick, you remember like grandpa when you were a kid, right? Very vaguely. I remember seeing him kind of once and he didn't really talk to me and he kind of left before dinner. So did you get any sense of who that person was? Did you get that same kind of energy, that same kind of vibe? Yeah. I mean mean he ignored me as much as the other guy did so it felt definitely on par and like

he's got some of your like not visually because you're like way cooler looking than him nice but some of the some of the ticks some of the you know the like just the chill vibes yeah no i get it i get it but like bad chill vibes like i guess I could call, I mean, the ancestral thing, but like I can't talk to them yet. Not to level nine. And I wasn't quite sure. It's very dreamlike. I wasn't quite sure if it was real or like, but I guess I can give it a shot. So we could see your dad?

I guess. I don't know what that would really help, but like it seems like a coincidence that like all your dads are here. Could we like write a message and hold it up to him? Like, what do you mean by you can't talk to him like when i talk they didn't talk back they just gave me like thumbs up and like nods and stuff like that well maybe we could do thumbs up for thumbs up and thumbs down for thumbs thumbs up for how do we get out of here yeah thumbs down for tell us how to get out of here look look guys i'm just saying we got our kids and last i heard

wasn't aaron going out with that flat dude? He seemed to know something about like traveling dimensions. That's right. There was a dimensional witch. Oh yeah, Vincent. Victor? Vince. Vince.

Like Vince Neil. Vince was turned flat by a dimensional witch and he thought maybe she might know something about crossing dimensions. Can I take a glance around? Is anybody following us? Roll perception. 16. In the way distance, you can see a bird trying to flap its wings hurriedly to catch up

to you. Like a big, like a raptor, like a hawk. There's a big old bird following us. I know, he's been tailing us for the last 20 minutes. I'm just fucking around. Henry doesn't say that. Hey, wow, look at that big bird back there. You're right. You got to very briefly

experience what it's like to be a normal Dungeons & Dragons player. What do you think that bird wants? Should we pull over and ask? Well, let's just slow down. It's from behind us. Yes. It's from the direction of the castle raven. No, you dingbats, that's probably your pops, man. Turned into a bird. He turned into

a dragon. Why can't he turn into a bird? We should accelerate. I run out in the window and i go hey bird what's up i look at the bird and i say are you my daddy in the clear ringing voice of barry oh he goes if you could just bring the van to a slow i think we could all come to an agreeable place for all of us i think it would be dad father is that you correct yes yes i'm driving with my friends, father. I'll talk to you later. I did not give you permission to do that. I would recommend you if you just pulled over. I roll up the window.

That's rude. That's just rude. I roll back down. You're a jerk. I roll back up. I disagree. I don't hear that. I hear... Henry is like white knuckling it. Mean red, white angry dad driving. Hey, buddy, you want me to take over the wheel there? Fine. Okay, Ron rolls down the window

and flips off the bird. I gave him the bird. Henry, I gave the bird. I heard you the first time, Ron. That's very funny. I roll up the window. I lock the windows. Dang, this will be a good time to use a drone. Well, is he going to keep following us? He's going to keep following us.

Why don't you get like slow down so he's really close and then slam the brakes on him and run into the back window? If he's going to keep following us, I better just see what he wants, okay? No, but he's very powerful. He almost killed... He almost killed me, dude. Yeah, he almost killed all of us. We should kidnap their kids.

We should tell our army to loose arrows and shit. I can't drive. Someone else drive. Henry just lets go of the steering wheel. I rub my temples. Clark and Sparrow try to jump into the front of the driver's seat. No, no, not you drive. Someone else drive. Henry just lets go of the steering wheel. I rub my temples. Lark and Sparrow try to jump into the front of the driver's seat. No, no, not you two, not you two. I'm jumping into it also.

Alright, so we'll do a opposed dexterity. They'll be at disadvantage because Henry's going to try and grab them. Oh my god. Don't crash the fucking van. Oh my god. I got a natural 20 and a 17 so it's going to be a 17. I got a 4. I got a 9. Okay, so Lark and Sparrow jump into the driver's seat and they go, we've got this.

Oh no. And immediately Lark starts drifting like kind of into the, just directly into the woods. Like is like dodging trees back and forth. Stop the car. Stop the car. Stop the car. Roll intimidation. I got 16.

So Sparrow goes, yes, father. And slams his foot down on the brakes and everybody goes and moves forward. And everybody that was wearing a seatbelt is happy that they are wear seat belts i was not and i was trying to climb over so i feel like i oh yeah roll uh roll dexterity i think you're where the windshield is now yeah i was like climbing between the two seats when that happened that's a eight so you just right into the front windshield and you take a d4 of damage one yeah not that bad that's it daryl's driving you two go in the back oh fine we did so good though okay i guess i just climb and i start driving away from the bird

yeah okay well now it's that time to get way closer to you so now it's in attack range if you wanted to attack it or it can attack you should we talk to i mean it's your dad it would be good to get some i mean arrow down the window the window. Hey, is it just you? He goes, Oh, of course. Yes, absolutely. Just me. Glenn's going to take a shot at it with his gun. Don't shoot my dad. What are you doing? Sorry,

baby. It happened. Good roll. A roll. Give me on a, like a ranged attack rolls. Just a D 20 plus. And your dad's dead.

You probably don't think they're really the dad. I don't think they're the dads. I'm taking a shot range attack roll, baby. Do I get a plus for any range? You should. Yeah. I feel like Glenn's also like been to a firing range before.. I feel like Glenn's also been to a firing range before,

so I feel like... Glenn's been to an airsoft range before. Yeah, but it's the same fucking mechanics, baby. What's the type of guy who has a surprise birthday party at a gun range where everybody's hammered? Oh, God. No, that's fucking irresponsible as shit. That's nothing like Glenn.

Not a Glenn move at all. Glenn's much more likely to go to Disneyland without his son and then send Instagram pictures to his friends. Yeah, but you're not going to be don't operate firearms when you're fucking drunk. Unless you want to lose your Twitch channel. Okay, so roll D20

and then add four. Alright, 15. D&D AC of a hawk. Okay, so that hits. So the bullet sails directly through the body of Barry Bird Oak, and it goes, oh, ca-caw, ca-caw, and sort of falls over. You shot my dad. What the frick? Henry, your dad hits the ground and is like,

that was extremely rude and really violent, and I think I know that you're better than that. I know my son is better than that stop stop the car stop the car you sure no no floor it

I'm sure floor it no I stopped the car no if it goes south no what the fuck are you talking about

floor it I get out of the car this guy almost killed me no unless you're gonna take an action he stopped the car unless you're gonna

try to make him hit the gas Glenn if shit goes down get my kids out of here. I'm shooting your dad. Do not shoot my dad again, Glenn. While we're arguing about this, do you think that I could get

maybe a short rest or a long rest or anything like that? Because I've only got 11. Hold on a second, Ron. This is a little more intense than what's going on. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm loading the gun and aiming it at the fucking down bird. Okay. Glenn. Fucking this is a dumb idea, and I'm going to- Okay, Glenn. okay okay okay okay okay i'm loading the gun and aiming it at the fucking down bird okay glenn fucking this is a dumb idea and i'm gonna okay glenn okay can i speak no let's go talk to your dad do whatever bullshit you need to do if anything happens i'm pulling the trigger okay

i appreciate that you're looking out for us and i pull the hammer back i respect the enthusiasm i would go and talk to your dad right now. Okay, I'm going to go talk to my dad. I get out of the car and I approach very cautiously. So Barry bleeding it out on the ground is like, ooh, some pretty negative energy there. I think those might be some toxic influences on you, my son. Have you been doing your breathing exercises

in through the nose, out through the mouth? I did you so much. I decocked the hammer and re-cock it for effect. Father? Son? What are you doing here? I'm following you, obviously. What do you mean you're following me? I de-cocked the hammer and re-cock it for effect. Father. Son. What are you doing here? I'm following you, obviously. What do you mean you're following me?

I need the children back. Are you, this is this again? Yeah, of course. I thought there was something new. No, it's the same thing. I'm just following you. Well, no. We said no back there.

I need you to respect my choices. That's why I left. Oh, my son, my son, my son, my son. I can't respect your choices when you don't make good ones. You don't have the wisdom that I do. Let's go. I'm tired of this bullshit. I will say, I can convince Mr. Stampler to allow you to abscond with Lark and Sparrow

if we could just have the others. So that is maybe something for you to consider. Yeah, I consent to that. Yeah, they can abscond for sure. Our family, the Oaks, the good boys could go back to that world as long as you just give us the other one so that's that's something we could definitely work father i have a question for you yes my son yes that's that there's that breathing i'm talking about perfect oh my god through the mouth yeah oh my god move through you and vinyasa yes if we

are such bad sons that you want to take our sons. What does that say about how good of a father you were? So he starts doing bird yoga while you're describing this. And he goes, oh, my son. See, the thing that you'll find out about being a father, the trick of it is the longer it goes on, the better you get at it. And the tragedy of old age is that once you've learned all the lessons that you can to become the ultimate father, your child is now grown and you have to die. You have to die of old age. And that's true tragedy. It's almost as if the world has never known

a truly good father. I was a decent father to you. Not great, obviously, given the company that you keep in your whole, you know, this. I'm slowly reversing towards Henry. Like, just like slowly approaching this whole time. And I'm like, I'm gonna go like, hell yeah, Daryl, get me in closer.

So Henry is between you and Barry if you wanted to like hit Barry. No, I'm just like i'm gonna go like hell yeah daryl get me in closer so henry is between you and barry if you wanted to like hit barry no i'm just like i'm just like rolling so that i can get the door open for henry but i'm also just getting closer but i'm doing as quietly as i can roll stealth no roll either stealth or car handling yeah vehicle handling okay you have to roll a minivan handling and stealth and get above a 15 on both. Okay, well, for the minivan, I got a 17, and then the stealth is probably going to be a lot harder. Yeah, you think? 11. Okay, so he sees that the car is coming near him, and he

goes like... No, no, what happens is I'm doing it really quietly, and I'm looking backwards, and then I slip, and my elbow hits the horn. My cum. Oh, you've completely... I have to start over, and he starts his whole yoga routine over again. Mr. Mustache, what does abscond mean? Abscond means to...

Let me... Just a second. Let me... It's okay. I'll wait. It's okay if you don't know, Mr. Mustache. No, no, no. Let me just get the exact definition from Mustache-pedia in my mind.

It means to leave hurriedly and secretly, typically to avoid detection. Oh, okay. Yeah, no. Then that's good. When you said you would ask Mr. Stampler, and I'm Mr. Stampler, so I think everything would be... Oh, you meant your dad. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, then that's good. When you said you would ask Mr. Stampler, and I'm Mr. Stampler, so I think everything would be... Oh, you meant your dad.

Oh, no. Yeah. No, I'm Mr. Stampler. I think you meant your dad. Okay, yeah, just keep reversing then. Was that a sufficient answer, my son? Do you understand now? I understand.

Perfect, perfect. Our answers still know, so get in the car, do the this goodbye and i get in the car okay well we'll probably have to kill you i'm very sorry i'm very sorry i do believe if you could be a little bit more reasonable we could find a better arrangement but i'm going home goodbye okay no you'll be back hey uh mr oak go ahead and tell the other uh two uh dads which we i don't even know if they're really dads because i guess the other dads died and i you know don't believe that this is the afterlife so whatever i. I'm a little confused right now.

Either way, just so you know, if you come for us, we will kill you. Cool. And you're never going to have our kids. Goodbye. I rolled up the window before response. Before you go, just for certainty's sake, if you wish to ask me anything that only I would know. I'm not here. You're gone.

All right. So yeah, you see the bird continue to limp towards you, but it's not quite enough, and you managed to. I back up to it. I stop the car for a second, and then I roll backwards into it. Okay, so you try to bring it over. Yeah, I drive right over. Roll vehicle handling. It's a two.

Plus four is six. Yeah, so it dodges out of the way, and you can hear under your car going like, that's very gauche, trying to run me over. That's just classless. I drive forward again, and I'm like, fuck that up. again and I'm like fuck that up guys I can pretty safely say that's either my father or a ghost that knows him very well is doing a very good impression of him I think

this is I don't know how but I think that's my dad either way it's insufferable I kind of think of it I probably should have asked him how he got here shit can you guys mind if we stop again okay I stop and I roll backwards hey and I roll backwards. Hey! And I roll down the window.

Father, father, father, sorry, one more thing. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. How are you here? What the heck's going on? Wait, you're, I left you, I was at the commune, we had to fight, and then, you know, it's vague, and then, you know, I just haven't talked to you in a while, but I don't understand how you're in this magical realm. Why don't you roll persuasion? You know, my dazzling display of rhetoric just then

doesn't get me a free one on my mind. No, you just exasperatedly asked why a bunch of times, aka the Henry Oaks special. Oh my gosh. The dice are not kind to me today, my friend. That would be a five. He goes, oh, I would be absolutely delighted to explain why as soon as i'm done eviscerating your car and he transforms into a giant crab like a giant enemy

crab yeah like it's crab the size of a giant enemy crab so yeah he's you speed away and you see him beginning to like like sideways at you but he's he's not going fast enough to catch up to you does he have a weak spot on his belly that we can hit for massive damage? He can't go fast enough? No, he can't go fast enough to catch up to you. He's just a crowd. I kind of just keep swerving left and right in front of him.

Be like, hey, you're not so fast there, are you, buddy? Hey, asshole. Hey, don't bait. He can probably turn into other stuff. Let's go. He turns into a cheetah. No, I see I start driving. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn

from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth, or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. You are again driving away.

He's again in pursuit, but he's still kind of slow because he does have the gunshot wound. So he's not stopping. No, he's not stopping. But I will say that if you drive straight to like a town or whatever without stopping for a rest

or anything like that, you will basically outpace him enough to get there and maybe have time to hide the van or whatever the fuck. Because like, remember, you guys still have that charm inside the van.

Yeah, the magical items. Yeah, that like magically sort of cloaks it from anybody who tried to detect you. uh just to remind you of neverwinter is a day's drive away if you want to get back to neverwinter the bad dogs the leader of them i guess the pro temp leader is uh rides up to you on the horse he goes so you've got us for about the next like six hours okay here's what you guys can do you can turn around and make a big wall and then attack this cheetah that's coming after us and slow him down. That sounds perfect. Keep driving.

Good day, sir. Just do it for six hours. I guess you'll just let us know how well that works or not. You'll know when he comes up and how many body parts he has hanging off of him, I guess. Guys, we need to get into a town and we need to

lay low. It's fine. I had a weird run-in with my dad who I haven's going to go. Guys, we need to get into a town and we need to like lay low. All right. All right. Okay. All right. You know, it's fine. I had a weird run in with my dad who I haven't talked to in 20 years, but it's fine. It's fine.

It's fine. Let's, you know, let's, let's come up with a plan. Right. Step one, get back to Earth. Never winter. Well, the step one is never winter. Well, step one A is, you know, figure out how to do step one. Right.

And step one A one is get to a place where we can do that. I lean over to Grant and say, hey, Grant, can you get Mr. Protein Bar? He's feeling a little, I think he needs something to eat. Daryl, I'm talking. Daryl, we all have to pay attention to the plan, okay? Of course, Henry. You know a lot. Where was I?

Step one, a three. Step one, a one, four. I don't. Okay. All right. I'm going to sit. I'm going to sit. I am sitting down. Okay. I'm Step 1A3, step 1A14. I don't. Okay. All right. I'm going to sit. I am sitting down. Okay.

I'm going to just. Give me the protein bar. You hungry there, buddy? Yeah. Give me the protein bar. So Grant leans over to open up the, what is it, in a Tupperware or what is it? Where is the? No, I have a box.

A box. He thrust his hand into a box and inside. Hold on. A box of protein or energy bars of indeterminate branded origin. Pass for mattress protein bars. And they're delicious. I was kind of hoping that Daryl bought a bunch of Luna bars

thinking they were meant for men by mistake, and now he feels weird about eating them. I love Luna bars. They're great. Oh, no, the only thing that's back is a bunch of cards for audible.com. That's not useful. Wait, what about Luna bars?

I thought Luna bars is like, aren't they like a for women bar? Or am I making that up? I had no idea. They're marketed as such, but they're actually just delicious. They're very tasty. They're a nutrition bar aimed at women. Well, I hope it's a box of Nature Valley XL protein bars is all

I can say. You reach into the box and inside, Lark just grabs your hand and he goes, I ate all of them. I was very hungry. They forgot to feed us. I'm sorry. They. I was very hungry. They forgot to feed us. I'm sorry. They forgot to feed you guys? They forgot to feed us. What was the last time any of you ate Jeepers Creepers?

A couple days. A couple days. Alright. Hey, we got hit up with Bullywugs, guys. We're no Bullywugs. We're not going Bullywugs. No Bullywugs. Hey, you guys Bullywugs? We can make some money, baby. No, it's okay, Payne. Yeah, I'm also feeling a bit peckish. If there's some sort of drive-through option or...

I think we're going to drive to Neverwinter and find the safest inn and hide this van. And then we can all just get ourselves, you know, situated, right? Yeah, but I'm in the mood for something fast, like chickeny or just something, you know, some road food. Well, we'll see what they have at the next exit, okay? Okay. Also, I have to pee. Okay, well, you should have thought of that before you got in the car. That doesn't change the fact that he has to pee. That's a jacked up thing to say to him.

I hand him an empty water bottle. I say, go ahead. Yeah. All the kids go, you know. Yeah, well, it's either that or we all die if we step all over, so let's keep moving, okay? I can hold it. You don't want to go? I can hold it. You don't want to go? I can hold it. Okay.

Roll constitution. So it's come to this. It's a four. Uh-oh. Okay, you pee a little bit. Not a lot. It's not a lot. It's not like fountains going everywhere, but it's definitely a little bit? Not a lot. It's not a lot. It's not like fountains going everywhere,

but it's definitely a little bit. It's all good. What's Ron wearing again? There's no pants. No pants. Oh, no. There's nothing to high-five. Just a tighty-whity?

Yeah. This is cool guy boxers. This is cool guy boxers. Just the front of the cool guy boxers, like the O in the cool. It's just like kind of a darker black than all the surrounding it. Can I see how you perceive this?

Why? With role perception, sure. Why? I don't know. I just wanted it. I got a seven. You can't surrounding it. Can I see how you perceive this? Why? Role perception, sure. Why? I don't know. I just wanted... I got a seven. You can't sell. Okay, I can't sell.

As far as you're concerned, it's still a cool guy. Cool. Cool guy. Yeah, I'm good, guys. If me and your pants is cool, I'm the coolest. Okay, so you guys make it to Neverwinter, let's say. And what are you going to do with the van? We're going to hide it.

We got to hide this thing. Okay, so you're going to do the typical daddy's a special hide. Usually we have Aaron O'Neill's tree boys hide it for us. The end. I assume they have a stable. I say we have a very large horse that we need to put in our stable. We put it inside the hay, like a big pile of hay. Yeah, I feel like that would be fine with some of the money you have.

And we should probably have like the charm. Do we keep it on us? And does that still protect us? Or is it like if it's enclosed, it protects it. So if you want to hide something in a box, and nobody can see what's inside the box, you put the charm in the box. If you want to hide it inside of a room with a closed door, that works. What if we attach it to an umbrella and held it up like a tour group? Wouldn't work, because it's not enclosed.

What if we're in the barn? We could rest while we're in the barn with the charm. Nobody can see that we're in the barn. We'll hang the charm. Do we need to actually go into Neverwinter if we have this thing? Can we like pull over in the van? We need to feed the kids though. Feed some food and some rest. I need a long rest. And I still need to pee

a little bit. Only a little bit? You said you had to pee a lot before. Well, I'm also getting dehydrated. Grant is looking at Ron with the most sympathy you have ever seen. Like, this is what he's like all the time. Just this. So do you guys want to find a roadside inn, tavern?

Yeah, like a Red Lion. Dude, this is like the most D&D that this place has. We find a D&D-ass tavern on the side of the road. It's like, as we approach Neverwinter, there's like an inn. As we approach it, we go past that inn and we drive all the way through Neverwinter to the backside of Neverwinter and go to that inn. You the fantasy ass i'm just gonna google search the first hit

result for dnd fantasy tavern sound effect and just pipe that shit in fucking loots and shit like i want the fucking candles and loots and like the ale i'll pull over to the first thing really quick i pull over to the first thing i say hey guys wait one second and i run into the first thing what what is he doing i run to the first thing can r say, hey, guys, wait one second. And I run into the first sin. What is he doing? I run into the first sin. Can Ron go pee? Yeah, Ron, you can pee. Ron, come with me and pee. You guys just stay with the kids really quick.

I run and I give the person, like, 20 silver. Okay. I go, hey, so just, like, we're going to take that whatever room you got. Tell them that's four dads and a bunch of kids are in there. We're having a rowdy time. If anybody asks where we are, you say this room. Okay. Cool.

So you want the key? You don't want the key. Yeah, sure. I'll take it. Can I take the key really quick, and then I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and then come back and give you the key. Okay. And it's an extra dollar for you if you tell everybody that you possibly see, especially if it's like a cougar

or like an animal, just so a hot mom comes in. Yeah, yeah, hot mom. Hey, you see four single dads? That's your hottest moms. Hey, sir, you see four single dads here, am I right? I will send all cougars in your direction. You just make as much noise as possible.

Let them know that Ron Stampler, super highest Ron. The singer. This is in this inn and nowhere else. Thank you very much. Oh, okay. Here's another piece of silver. If anybody ever asks if Ron has ever had an accident in any capacity, number one or number two,

say no. I mean, it's the truth, but just an extra incentive to say no. Okay. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I've really got to go to the bathroom, but I'll be back. So after you pee, and as you guys leave the inn, you hear the barkeep shouting, Hi, I'm Ron's playing a concert here, and he never peed his pants, and everybody goes,keep shouting, hi, I'm Ron's playing a concert here

and he never peed his pants and everybody goes, huzzah. Okay, then we drive to the second inn. Okay, so the second inn is called Vixen's Gale. It's the Vixen's Gale, this tavern and that is a name submitted by, I believe their name is Nitai or Nitai. It's a cool ass name.

Imagine the most cliche Dungeons and Dragons ass. Yes, finally, dude, it's a cool ass name, imagine the most cliche Dungeons & Dragons ass. Yes, yes, finally, dude, it's been a year. Is there a party of level one adventurers meeting for the start of their quest in there? That's actually great, yeah. There's a fighter and like four rogues and they're just arguing about like, one of you should have been a cleric.

I specifically asked for a cleric and a wizard and a paladin and they're like, I just like being, I like being free. And there's like a goblin waiter going around. Like he's got a little step stool he has with him and stands on it to take people's orders and put their drinks down. There's lamps, you know, hung all around the interior of the tavern. The bartender is a guy with a big old wart on his nose who spits into wooden mugs and cleans them with a washcloth.

It's everything you could want. There's a cloaked man in shadow in the corner smoking a pipe. Yes, finally! Finally, yes! I walk up to the bartender and say, Sir, we're a group of new travelers, and I'm wondering if there's any adventures that we could go on. Any dungeons around?

Any dragons to slay? That's right. Guys, Daryl's doing what's called a cover. We don't want anyone to know we're really staying here. So why don't we pretend to be a band of merry adventurers? Level one adventurers. Out into the world trying to save princesses and doing daring deeds, right? Yep.

We received a mysterious missive. All of us were summoned by someone only going by the letter X. And we were all told to come to this bar. Can we do voices? Guys, can we do voices? Okay, so as you say that, the man in the shadowy corner goes, you're here for X, aren't you? Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that's because why else would we be here? Henry, character voices. Yeah, okay, that's right, that's right. Daddle, daddle, daddle. Okay, okay. Okay, so Glenn's right. We all need to do cool character voices if we're going to pretend that we're undercover. So I'm going to do like a, do sort of an Aragorn voice.

You cannot wield it. None of us can. You cannot wield it. Does that sound like Aragorn? Yeah. Okay, great. I'm going to be the Aragorn. Do you guys know that movie?

Lord of the Rings? It's a good movie. Ron, what will your voice be? Okay, I'm going to do this kind of tough sort of maybe northern U.S. voice, and it's going to sound like really manly and cool. All right, here, I'm going to do it right now. Hi, I'm Ron Stampler. That's pretty good.

Wow, I got chills. Payton's like, wow, you nailed it. Oh, you nailed it. I'm going to go over to the rogues and be like, hello, fellow rogues. The rogues are like, have you ever sneak attacked? I bet you'll never guess what I am. It would almost be too roguish

to be a rogue and not act like a rogue. Almost too sneaky, you'd say. Roll a persuasion. Ron's the hardest rogue that's ever rogued. They seem very unimpressed. And they have all the usernames of everybody on Reddit.

Every time they hear a new story about you guys, they write on the newsletter on the bottom, like, I'm not really impressed. I feel like one of them is not doing as well as they could be. I'll be a bard. I'll talk like this. Yes. That's great. I don't think they have Italians in this world, so I think that'll work just fine. I don't think I want to deal with this Mr. X guy.

He seems, anybody who's called Mr. X is not good. I'll be the fire. I'll be like, hi, Mr. X. I'm pretty sure we're talking about another Mr. X. Thanks for coming, though. But what have you for an adventure for us? Don't worry about us, Mr. X. If you sit right back in that corner, we'll

be fine. Mr. X is like, I'm getting mixed signals. Do you want the adventure or do you not? It is a great danger and great import. Tell us of this adventure. Yes, tell us. While they're talking to this guy and selling our story, Daryl, why don't you and I go book us a room? Okay.

Mr. Innkeep. So the innkeep, the bartender spits again into a different mug. One that somebody's drinking out of. And he goes, Oi, what is it?

Room's up. Six shillings of nook. My name... Oh no, why is this so funny? Yes, my name is Aragorn Baggins, and we... And these are my fellow adventurers, and these are our children, and we need a room. Hail and well met, Barkeep. Hail and well met, Barkeep.

I am Darthaniel, son of Eofarnley, and ruler of the seven realms of Farnangdleth. And I require a room, for we are but adventurers. I beseech thee to let us stay here for a fort day. Or perhaps we could barter with the stoners sound of my lute, for I am Bartholomew, a traveling bard, here to trapeze across the lands in the search for my long lost love. Yo, Dungeons and Dragons fucking sucks. Yes, and I am Don Crampler of the Minnesota Cramplings. And I am also on this wishful journey.

Oh, sorry, I'm losing my voice. Oh, I can't even do the fake accent anymore. No, I'm getting back into Ron Stample. Is this Ron or is this Pat? Sometimes, I don't know. Sometimes I don't know. But can we perhaps barter a bit of song for a night for chance?

And will an extra shilling keep anybody from knowing we were here? Well, first of all, I flip him an extra shilling. No one can know we're here. So are you trying to barter for a room with a song or are you going to pay me for a room with a song,

or are you going to pay me for six shillings and an additional one shilling for secrecy? I mean, Aragorn, perchance I could talk with thee for thine moment. Yes. We want him to think that we're really these people and that we are here. We don't want him to tell people we aren't here. Then all of the careful character work we've done will be wasted. Oh, all right, Barkeep, tell people we aren't here. Then all of the careful character work we've done will be wasted. Oh, all right, Barkeep.

Tell everybody that we're here. Tell them that Ron Crampler and all of- Ron Crampler? I mean, John Crampler. Everyone, everyone. And he clinks the glasses together and he goes, Ron is here. Sorry, everybody.

He meant Don. I hear Ron is playing down on the other side of the town, though. A couple of people in the end are like, wait, Ron's playing? And they fucking both. Can we have a room, sir? Yes. Again, all you have to do is pay me the fucking six shillings. I give him the six shillings.

Okay. Guys, maybe we should just go to the room. It's the first room on the right once you go up the stairs. Great. Can we get us actually two rooms? Because it's a lot of us. Yeah. Two rooms, please.

20 shillings. Okay. Sure. Wow. I could have asked for more. You could have asked for more. No! All right.

So you have two rooms now. How are we going to split it up, guys? I guess I'll take one room with Larkin Sparrow, and you guys can take another room. And you guys have the charm on you, right? So being inside this building, you're shielded. Oh, we can fill one room with dummies and little bed pillows, and then if people come to attack us in the middle of the night,

they'll think we're in that room. What, do we all want to chill in one room for a second? Yeah, all right. We can all hang out in my room for a second. We can all pick up hot chicks and then take them back and so then, like, there's like only half of relevant people in here. I'm done.

That's some D&D shit. Okay. Are you gonna rest for the night? Hey, hold on. Wait, guys. We'll go to the room. We'll meet you there in one second. Hey, Mr. X. Yes. Tell us of what plans you have. My plans are of great import, but... Bad board. Alright, we're going to the room. He's still talking as you walk away.

Holy shit. So do you all go to bed? I guess we should just go to bed. Oh, we should get food. Let's just fucking eat, dude. Okay, yes. Let's get some food. People are spitting in those cuffs a lot.

I got those on there, right? Is there like a... I stick my head out the window. Is there... No. Is there like a Postmates in this town or something, man? Is there like a dude on a horse that can like bring us food from another place we can pay him guy going by in a blue mailman's

outfit he goes i'm not your mate and the uh but he goes i will bring you food for a premium no what you need bring us food for how many people are we there's uh there's nine or ten ten there's ten bring us food for ten people three meals meals need to be vegan, though. I've never heard that word before. Give me ten meals, but three of them are just vegetables. Ew. And no spitting. No spit in them.

That's going to be extra. Okay, I toss them another shilling. No, we're using gold and silver. Give me a gold. I give him a gold. Okay. Holy shit. What?

We have so much money. What a rube. Remember before we were arguing about keeping 10 silver? Now we're just throwing gold left and right. Season 2 of Dungeons and Tattoos. About four rich, cosplaying idiots. So, uh,

cut to like an hour later, you all are eating some, like, actually for the gold, like, it seems like he didn't completely screw you over. He spent about half of it on the food. Sounds more like caviar than Postmates. Am I right? That's the fancy one, right? Okay, cool. Beth, if you have to ask.

So you're all sitting in a room with your kids eating food that's actually surprisingly good. And there's really lovely music, lute music, playing from the tavern below. And for the first time, it feels like you're actually in a relatively peaceful place. Like, you're kind of in a nice spot. I assume we're kind of relating the tale of, like, everything that went down. Are we doing, like, a little montage over us explaining all of our trials and tribulations to our kids? Like in Return of the Jedi when C-3PO

explains the whole story, but he's like, follow me, man of Betu. Darth Vader! Darth Vader! Henry looks around the room and he kind of smiles. He's like, this is nice. It's nice that everyone's together. I know our journey is still a long way to go. We've got a lot of trials and tribulations, I'm sure.

But I just want to say this is really great for right now. Yeah. I'm actually more curious about, kids, what did you go through? What was it like in there? What happened? Tell us everything that happened to you guys. So Nick's like, I mean, before we got grabbed by the purple guys, like, I mean mean it sounds like you

sort of heard most of it right guys and the other kids go yes you know most of the things that happened to us before then after the purple dudes took us they mainly just kept talking about how we were going to be raised by them and everything was going to be cool and that we were all family except for any points at grant and grant was like yeah they kind of just like kept referring me as like a backup plan so backup plan Like, I don't know. Maybe they wanted a spare kid. I don't know. But they weren't nice about you.

None of them were. And yeah, they... So you guys have just been hanging out in that castle this whole time? Yeah, they've just been keeping us there, just trying to like... They didn't feed you, though? No, they forgot the last couple days. They talk a lot about being good dads. I don't know how good they are.

They seem kind of mean, especially Willie. Willie's really mean. Man, I'm so sorry you guys had to go through that. No, it was fine, I guess. Grant thinks it was fine. Terry is like, it was pretty hairy. He was like, he shouted at us a fair number of times, and it was like really scary. Nick obviously thinks it's not a big deal. Lark still wants to go back and kill him, and Sparrow is like, I think we should forgive him. I think we should forgive all of them. I put my hand on Graham's like, are you sure? It sounds like it's pretty rough there. Are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm good. It's all good. Okay. It's okay if it wasn't. I mean, I would have been scared in there. Yeah. All right. Well, gentlemen, what do we do now?

What's next for us in this merry band? We can tell scary stories sorry is that yeah okay you go first okay well boys and men

and adventurers once upon a time there was a very scary person. This person had an arm of string that he would cast into the water to pick up food, food that breathed underwater. He was a monster man with a long string arm. And one day, the string man having a son, I mean, a younger person that he was the father of biologically through sex. He said, son, Ronald, won't you fish with me? And the son said, sure. But then the son threw up after seeing a fish getting gutted. And he said, son, I'll never

fish with you again. And so he cast his long string arm into the water with a big fancy lure on it. And it looked like this. It looked like a little, like a squid sort of thing, but shiny. And then Ron takes the lure out of his pocket. And then the guy caught something. He caught something huge. pocket and then the guy caught something he caught something huge and he was as happy as his son had ever seen him he had never seen his his big strong father that happy and then there was a splash and that was it that's the end of the story spooky pain's like that was fucking terrifying ron was that was that story about someone you know? Oh, you know, just the old pops,

Willie. I still can't get comfortable calling him Willie. He was just, you know, father. Dang. Yeah, my dad made me call him father, too, you know? I mean, that felt normal at the time. But then... Sir, yeah, I had to call him sir when I knew him.

Well, gentlemen, a toast, I guess. We all made it this far, and we're all going to make it a lot farther together. We're all going to make it a lot father and son together. All of the kids. Spooky. Dad. Good job, everyone, reacting to my joke. should we do a long rest i guess i guess we should all hit the hay long rest henry and ron you two and your kids and then grant paid in me and glenn and nick yeah okay listen i think our next step has got to be

finding erin and meeting up with her somewhere and uh you saw a bunch of trees on the way into here. Yeah. I feel like we're close enough to the forest there where I think that's our next step tomorrow, but we got a long day. Maybe we can get a referral to this dimensional witch. Yeah. Hmm.

Hey Terry. Yeah. Do you need anything before you, before you go to sleep kiddo? Like a, like a bedtime story or a lullaby or anything? I think like, do you need anything?

Cause the last story you told seemed kind of personal and kind of a bummer. Yeah, do you know any, like, lullabies? I mean, I know, like, Rockabye Baby. Do you want me to sing you Rockabye Baby? Yeah, no, yeah, let's do it. We can do it together. Are you going to do the thing with your voice? Where you do the two with your voice I mean no

trailer for a horror movie okay all right I guess we're doing this all right one two three I actually don't remember the words all right all right Ron all right good night kiddo good night also I'm giving Nick a knife.

Oh, hell yeah. What for? Dude, like you got to defend yourself, bro. Shit you. Shit you. Right. He immediately starts like stabbing the door. Just like, okay.

As everybody. I'm telling you, it's bad. I search Lark for knives before we go to sleep. You find more knife than not knife in his pants. I thought in case we needed to break out. Like, if anything, you should be thanking me. I appreciate the effort, and I appreciate your proactiveness

and your can-do attitude. I'm going to hold onto the knives for now, and if we need them, I'll make the decision about that when it comes up. So, Father, good brother Sparrow has told me that you could now turn into a werewolf. When do I get such power, please? That, I don't know. You you know i don't really get what's

happening with all that you know the first time i did some strange things happening to your body that you're maybe having questions about the first time we came here like there was this big flash and i heard a voice and i couldn't understand what it was saying and you know so that's that's a mystery i'm still working on but you know you're to go through some mysteries of yourself as your body begins to change. And you know, that's all a part of life, and I'm happy to talk to you about that anytime, because I do have some answers about that. Sparrow

is like, I would love all the answers, as many answers as you possibly can. How are babies formed? Well, okay. I just closed the door. I closed the door separating our two rooms on them. That's going to be a long night. I mean, I tell Grant that I love him and good night. I'm waiting for everybody else to go to sleep.

Peyton goes, which room should I? Oh, I mean, they already have three kids. We'll have three kids here. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Hey, hey, Grant. And Grant's like, yeah, what? Peyton goes, your dad's pretty cool. And Grant's like, no, he didn't say anything.

He just turned, he just turns away i hear that goes to sleep roll perception yeah i heard that that's a 19 cool yeah you heard it i'm gonna wait until the kiddos are asleep and i'm gonna talk to my boy daryl wilson here hey hey daryl hey what's up glenn did ron kill his dad no no no no no no no no no no no no i'm pretty sure that sounded like Ron. I'm not great with these, as you know, like I'm not really, I'm not super smart on like the literature stuff, but like, I'm pretty sure the symbolism was pretty clear.

I'm pretty sure his dad like drowned or something. I don't think he killed him. Yeah. But I think Ron pushed his dad in and killed his dad. You know, let's be honest. Like, would that surprise you? It'd be wrong. Right. I mean mean it explains

a lot just saying man hey hey guys what the fuck is that coming from my voice whispering through the door hey ron's asleep in here i just i couldn't help it over here i don't think he killed his dad either i don't think so either i don't think for what it's worth

um whenever he's asleep can I try to slip away? Sure. Roll stealth with advantage. Yeah, we are conked out. Take a long rest. 16? Yeah, that'll do it.

So I go outside. I have to evoke rage to do this. So I go outside. Work yourself up into a lather. I go outside and I look as they're like, I go to where the car is and I just start punching the hay.

I go, fuck. Hitting the hay while everybody's hitting the hay. And I get really angry and then I evoke rage and I evoke ancestral spirits. So once again, Coach Taylor, George Washington, and your father appear to you in spectral form. I salute George Washington

and then I say, sup, Coach. So Coach Taylor looks at you and he points at his eyes, and then he points at his heart, and then he does, like, hands across, just like a no gesture, and then an L with his fingers. Holy shit. I look at my dad, Frank, and I go, hey, dad. And he waves.

Is this actually you? And he sort of gives you a sad smile, and he, like, opens his arms for a hug. I put my hands up for a hug. So your hands, so they just go through his body. Yeah. And your hands just clutch nothing but air. And he kind of, he sadly shakes his head at you.

So it's not you. And he shakes his head again. What kind of prank to pull on? I feel like there's a better way you could have showed me that. My dad wouldn't have done it that way. That's for sure. He just fucking shakes his head. your dad your special dad bears his teeth and you hear like a I like try to play it off like next to George Washington like I didn't fall for like oh hey I was just stretching um yeah I didn't think it was it was actually you that would be that'd be too easy I guess um I don't know I don't know what's going on here. I just want to say,

I guess things were not being the sort of dad that, that would be here right now. I don't know what these guys are going through. It seems like a lot. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. I wish you were here though. It points at itself and then, uh,

puts up two fingers like me too. Oh, wait, I don't get what you said that I'm not very smart. What, what two piece? So your dad just like shakes it and then sort of puts his hands out like it don't work you know it doesn't matter don't don't worry about it three words starts with first word you never forget that charades it's all good okay uh i mean i guess you're not really my dad anyways but i don't know it's still nice just seeing you even if it's not really you so uh as you say that he takes out a spectral football and he like gives you like he puts his arm back as if

to like coach taylor's just fucking pumped out of his fucking gourd just like fucking clapping like i'm about to do it i'm like oh you got me the first time that hug didn't work yeah and he shrugs and then tosses it and then george washington catches it out of the air and then throws it. Wait, wait. There was a one of his slaves. So I'm sitting there. I'm sitting there.

I'm sitting there. I'm watching. I'm like Coach Taylor, George Washington and my dad are playing ghost football. Yes. And then he throws it to us. So I'm like super enjoying this. And then I see that. But then I see that and I just get up.

I just walk out the door and close it behind me. And I walk, I walk inside George Washington from your team. Yeah. I knock on the wall and I, and I try to wake up Henry. Daryl. What is, what time is it? What's up? You okay? Yeah. I just, I don't know. I don't know. I just need to say, and I wake up Henry. Daryl, what time is it? What's up? You okay?

Yeah, I just need to say this. I don't know. I think George Washington is off my team. Don't worry about it. Just go to bed. Thanks, man. Okay, man. Okay.

Dude, that was the entire snarling id of the American masculine psyche in one image was like football, George Washington, your dad, and the sort of Damocles that is slavery. Man, that was a lot. Okay, so you all go to sleep. Oh my god. As you were used to, but maybe have taken for granted

every time you fall asleep, once again you are in the realms of what you now know to be three of the four of your fathers. And they go like, ah, taking a rest, I see. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Big surprise. We fucking go to sleep.

Wow. You're so smart. No, no. So Willie goes like, oh, somebody's irritated. Somebody's irritated. Yeah. Maybe I found out that some of our founding fathers aren't exactly the people I thought they were.

Glenn is stripping naked and doing obscene things. In front of your dad? So Bill Close is like, whoa, whoa, tiger. What? Why? Why? Why? And looking away.

Are we? Are we? Even if we're not, we're talking. What are you doing? I don't care. These guys suck. I don't believe that any of them are real dad. My real dad sucked and I never need to talk to him again.

So this dad can look at my butthole. Look at his butthole, dads. Episode title. Bill's like, what? It's a dream world. Nothing matters. He looks at your butthole and he goes, I'm your dad. I don't know what to tell you, Glennie.

He tries really hard to poop. Ew. Yeah, Anthony, now what? Bring it, motherfucker. Just in case, if you want to ignore them and go back to sleep, you can. But if there's any other questions you wanted to ask them or anything. Glenn, you can go back to sleep if you want. Glenn, you can go back to sleep if you don't.

We don't all need to. Yeah, whatever. Whatever. I just walk backwards flipping the bird and I moonwalk out of this fucking scene. Okay. So the remaining three of you. I just wish you guys could get lost. Willie says, you're not going to talk us out of this.

If there's anything you wanted to know that would make this a little bit more clear to you so you understand why this is all going to happen to you. Because I'm going to be straight with you. These guys, they want to spare you. I'm kind of over it. Father. What, Ron? If you raised Terry Jr. as your own, would you love him?

Yeah, sure. Do you love me? You wake up. Outro Music Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller.

Thanks this week to Nittai for submitting a place name that we used in the in the episode and as always special thanks to our fine patreon supporters who make this show possible exemplars such as morgan calvin hildy matthew toner everett park jacob siella james k tim sandoval thorier asmussen benjamin believe it or not there's only one person with just that benjamin so congratulations benjamin andgeon Master Titus the Cursed. We hope you've enjoyed this episode, and what up to all the people listening and reacting to this episode live in our Discord. This is something that we just started doing.

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So, A, mark that you have one less bullet in Chekhov's gun. And B, I said one and B. And two, the smoke that comes. The funniest letter. Yeah. B, I said one and B, and two, the smoke that comes. The funniest letter. Yeah. It's a hit. It's a hit. We can wait for clean water solutions.

Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future.