Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 33 - Anchor Management

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

The dads conduct an arcane ritual to figure out how to get home.This episode contains profanity, sexual content, drug/alcohol use, animal cruelty/animal death, and body horror.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to the Great Arkish Cooking Show. I'm your host, Paul Hollywood. Today, we're talking to you, the listener. You're on. Hi, my name is Gnar Gnar. I am about to do a pretty dank barbecue with like four dads and their ugly, weird little children. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick. And I'm just wondering, sort of, how would you recommend spicing them, flavoring them? Like, I rubbed a little bit of butter on them, that's nice, but like, there could be a little more pizzazz to it.

You need to use more butter. I don't know how much you use, you want more. No such thing as too much butter when it comes to humans. Well, not to interrupt you, but it looks like they're kind of trying to escape the cage that we built, which I'm a little bit worried about because I feel like that might give them a soggy bottom, not that dome shape that I'm sort of looking for. What should I do about that? Actually, no.

You want them to run around and escape. It really gets the adrenaline and the blood pumping, and you can just get way more juice out of those thighs. It's way more flavor. You want them running around for at least 10 to 15 minutes before you chop their heads off and throw them back in the cage. That's a huge relief. Ooh, also, they sort of have half fallen into the pit,

and it seems like they're going to take roughly an episode's length to get back out again. That's kind of fun. Oh, perfect, perfect. I'm feeling a little nauseous, though. I don't know if it's watching my food run around or it's the beer that I had. It tastes a little bit a little bit I've been poisoned. Oh, my God.

Such a bummer. We're going to take a quick break, but when we come back, everyone knows the five flavors, but did you know there's a sixth flavor? It's just blood. It's just the taste of blood. We'll be right back.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, and finally a D&D... Hold on, let me just... I got an email here. Oh, this is from Wizards. Per the last episode, you guys didn't follow any of the rules. We're jumping five... Oh, we're not a D&D podcast, Amo. We're back to being just a regular... Okay. All right. Well, I guess... I almost interrupted you because I didn't get that it was part of the intro that's right we're doing bids now you're reading emails we're recording

this is a podcast where we play some kind of role-playing system it's about four dads from our world flung into the forgotten realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons my name is freddie wong i play glenn close the rock and roll bar dad of the group. This was Glenn fact. Glenn, as you know, is a bit of a stoner, a bit of a pothead. And you know that he has attempted that hydro, that sticky, icky, grow it at home because he wants to control the strains. He has this idea of like making his own strain of the sticky, icky of the kush. It's too bad because I was like 101 Dalmatians is a good name for a strain of weed uh he's never been able to do it because little does he know it's important what light bulbs you use and he doesn't understand that and he's too proud to like google

how to properly hydro so he's just like it just doesn't work huh oh well it must be the water or something no he's wrong it's just like he's not using the right light bulbs because he's just like, it just doesn't work. Huh? Oh, well, it must be the water or something. No, he's wrong. It's just like he's not using the right light bulbs because he's kind of an idiot. All right. Dang. Okay. My dad fact is pretty similar. It has a lot to do with gardening as well. So hi, my name is Matt Arnold.

I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. Just a really quick, simple dad fact. who becomes a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. Just a really quick, simple dad fact. Despite what Daryl looks like and kind of his general persona, he is... Let's just say he takes care of himself down there. La masquerade.

Oh, no. All right. Good for him. Very, very well-groomed. Okay. Oh, man. Are we talking like a design? That's the whole fact?

He just takes care of himself down there high speed low drag i was thinking it came from like a white elephant at like one of carol's work parties and like he got like a grooming kit as a joke one day he was just like you know in the bathroom he's like let me just see how this thing works it just got really he's like it looks great down there now i'm really into this and carol liked it i have a question so has he been manscaping during the whole adventure yeah no it's really itchy down there right now okay well you know how you watch like the walking dead or lost and stuff like that and it's like these people are walking around with like bullet wounds open bullet wounds but somehow the women are finding time to like whack their legs and shave their armpits and i'm

just like i'm sorry what well even the buff guys they got that v and it's like that v is not showing when there's a whole lot of hair growing that's for sure so i don't believe that at all yeah nobody gets periods in the apocalypse the v yeah maybe daryl will find some time on the adventure to clean up down there no please no has daryl experimented with like a topiary approach? Like, is it like a nice sphere of, you know what I mean? I'm not going to go into the details of what he does down there. That's just for Carol's eyes only. But, you know, he takes care of himself.

Stay tuned, though. Stay tuned, though. I have so many follow-up questions. Are we talking shaved? Are we talking trimmed? I'm really thrilled to see the fan art after this. No, no, no. No, please don't. Please don't. You you have said it beth and now it exists what's

the rule it's like rule 34 or whatever rule 34 yeah this is rule yeah it's that you can find exactly the shape of everyone's uh ding dong downstairs ding dong pubis like and the shape thereof that's not rule 34 it's weird how much that's a huge part of all fan art depictions of like fictional characters like sonic's got a big old fucking bush like a big old blue bush down there dude yeah freddy would know he's he's looking all the time he is so stunned cancel this podcast is this quarantine or is this just freddy all right all right fuck it it. Freddy brought it up. Freddy, are you implying that Sonic doesn't have fur? He has pubic hair around his genitalia?

Huh? Yeah. Because isn't any hair in the pubic area? Sonic doesn't have genitals. I've seen a fair number of pictures that would disprove that assertion, Matt. I watched the movie. I watched the movie i watched the movie and jim carrey you know talked about breastfeeding but there was no mention of sonic's genitals and you saw him like 360 sensors it but the original art if you go back to the woodblock

prints like the japanese woodblock prince sonic's got a big old fucking sausage down in the cave of forgotten dreams there's an illustration of sonic going fast and shaving his pubes. On that note, I am Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, hippie, munchin', Birkenstock, rockin', crunchy nature, druid dad. I don't think we need to even... I was gonna be like, oh, Henry's dad, but you guys all already know whether or not Henry trims his... Yeah, absolutely. I think we all in our hearts know the answer to that

question and I don't need to delve into it. He cleans it with like a porous stone or something. He just like fucking hits it with the pumice. That's right, it's pumice. No sensitivity left whatsoever. He wasn't circumcised but over the years Oh no. What does that mean? What does that mean? he wasn't circumcised but over the years oh no what does that mean

what does that mean get it together welcome to the series finale of Dungeons and Daddies Will do you have an actual dad fact because I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna get this podcast back on track all right thank you Beth um so I actually had like

feel like I've been doing silly dad facts for a while. So I had like a more thoughtful one that my co-host decided to make the episode about Sonic the Hedgehog's zone. His Green Hill Zone, if you will. His Green Hill Zone. Oh, no. My dad fact for Henry this week is so I think I've mentioned on the podcast before that Henry is a teetotaler. I don't know if I've talked about it specifically, but he does not anymore partake in anything hallucinogenic or mind altering. And I'd like to tell you why.

And it's because of the last time Henry did that. He was a young man in his early 20s, and he did, let's say, a mind altering substance and woke up in the middle of a forest that he had never seen before. And he couldn't recognize it. He was completely naked and, uh, done. I'm done. Sorry.

Sorry. You just, you look at the zoom camera, you see me walk away and she never comes back. He wandered the forest for like a, probably about three or four days before he found anyone. Three or four days? He was just basically starving, dehydrated, exhausted before he was found by two hikers.

One of the hikers went up to him and said, what's your name? And he said, my name is Henry. And she said, hi, Henry. My name is Mercedes Oak Garcia. Let's get you to a hospital. And thereupon, Henry said, oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She said, I'm Mercedes Oak Garcia? hospital and thereupon henry said oh my god wait wait wait wait wait she said i'm mercedes

garcia that lady knew what she wanted she called a shot the ultimate flex no she said i'm i'm martin mercedes garcia uh thank you for catching that anthony so my mentions will explode after this jordan no that's impressive. She saw one glimpse of your naked body and was like, I'm marrying that man. That's mine. Anyway, Henry passed out very shortly thereafter. And when he woke up in a hospital bed a couple weeks later, she was there.

And they've been together ever since. Wow. Yeah. That's cute. So there you go. Hey, I'm Beth May Gyllenhaal. And I play Ron Stampler,

emotionally detached stepfather in Rogue. This week's dad fact for Ron, I alluded to last episode and what I guess listening back was like, it sounded like it could have been kind of creepy, but I said that Ron was arrested at one of Terry's soccer games. And the reason that he was arrested was for stealing the corner flags of the field. He just thought it would look good in the yard. And so and then that's an arrestable offense. I think it is when Ron does it it because like if the ref is like,

sir, sir, you actually can't. Hey, can you bring that back? No, I found it here and it's a field. It belongs in the field at my house. Also known as a yard. Oh my God, is Ron a sovereign citizen? Free state of Ron. That reminded me that my favorite sound in the world,

I've told Will and Matt this, but my favorite sound in the world is the word sir repeated three times in increasing urgency because it means that like shit's going down and someone is helpless to stop it so specifically it's sir sir sir like sir is like the funniest sound in the world if you hear that in the wild i used to hear that all the time when i was like an internet production company, I had to do a lot of runs, meaning I had to park in a lot of illegal spots. And I would just hear, ma'am, excuse me. Excuse me. You can't, you cannot park. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, sir, sir, sir. Hi, I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. And my dad fact for this week is that there's a sonic to level called chemical plant zone which is definitely

above the Green Hill zone or surrounded by the Green Hill zone actually no okay here's my dad fact so this is a real conundrum that I have and at any point you could tap out if you

don't want to get real with me just let me know I got my hand on the buzzer okay so I have three cats. I love them so very much. I'm out. And one of my cats. Will's out immediately.

Will's out. He just left. One of my cats, Wingdings, for a long time, we didn't know how to show her some sort of affection that she liked. One of my cats really likes being petted on the face. One of it likes being petted on the back or whatever. We found out Wingdings really likes being sort of spanked is not the right word, but like slapped on the area above her tail.

So like her lower back or whatever. Yeah, the cat erogenous zone. Yeah, that's the thing is I just learned that's an erogenous zone because on Reddit, somebody posted a picture of themselves giving their cat a bath and the cat had an orgasm when it was like scratching that area. So now I'm at the point where my cat, who i refer to lovingly as my daughter i am basically getting off and i don't i don't know what to do because it's the only thing that she likes i'm a man who's gone through the same experience so we had a joke i found the same spot on play-doh one time i was

scratching him and i went to the near the top of the tail and like his eyes rolled in the back of his head and he started jerking and it looked like he was like a doll that was broken you know or like an animatronic that was broken he would like shake his head left and right and we used to call it breaking him like oh look play-doh this spot it like breaks him we did that for like a year where we just pet him and then just like break him and then i looked up and i found the same thing you did i was was like, I've just been, I guess, even my cat's orgasm was on the past year. I guess that's what I did. So I feel you.

Well, did you stop? I stopped doing it to the, now I just tease him. I stopped doing it to the extent where he would break. So if you want to call it, well, what are you doing? It made me uncomfortable. So, yeah, I tried not to, you know, your hand accidentally touches the cat's body. I am very blessed in that I have the most asexual cat in the world. She was born a six-year-old woman

with no interest in anybody except for me. And we're in love. And that's perfectly fine. I don't know what I'm going to do. You do you, Anthony. Nobody will judge you. You do your cat. I mean, maybe I'll marry her because then it'll be okay under the lies of the Lord or something.

We've taken an interesting turn. I know. This podcast. That was the daddies, everybody. Goodbye. Yeah, enjoy the episode. So when we last left you,

you were about to be eaten by a bunch of orcs who found themselves suddenly poisoned to death by Chekhov's snake, who, if you remember way, way, way back near the beginning of the series, you managed to rescue from Lark and Sparrow's dungeon in Neverwinter. He helped you get out of the pit of

fire and then died. Died? Really? Oh no. He just shuddered, right? Like we just heard him shudder. It could have been ecstasy. Yeah, somebody scratched it above his tail no you heard a rending and a stretching and a tearing as he extended to a longer length than he's supposed to stretch to okay when you guys were pulling on him to get up into the pit

and he had and then fell limp in your hands okay so stretched he's dead okay so henry rushes up and says my god this snake's a hero. He saved us. Get aside, everyone. And he shoves everyone aside, and he casts Healing Word on the snake. Okay. So I cast Healing Word.

Healing Word is deus ex machina. The Healing Word is breathe, damn it, breathe! And he casts Healing Word, and he does... Hold on one second. I feel like if I just keep playing dungeons and dragons anthony will let me do this uh he rolls a three plus three he gets six hit points back roll a medicine check okay uh i got an 18 huh okay okay you really want this stupid fucking npc back huh okay so you cast Healing Word onto him,

but you get no response. And because of your medicine check, you can tell that it's because something about the way that he's stretched out dislodged his airway. So if you want to properly save him, you're going to have to give him mouth to mouth. Okay. Henry looks at the snake and goes,

my God, this snake's had a subdural necological strain croak. We need to give him mouth-to-mouth suscitation right now. Stat, Glenn, batter up. Glenn goes, wait, what? Sorry. You lost? Wait, what? Henry slaps Glenn across the face and says, get a hold of yourself, man.

This snake is dying. And then I go to massage the snake's chest while Glenn is going to give him CPR. Glenn stands there. Ron, give him CPR. Glenn stands there. Ron, give him CPR. Do you know the tune to Stayin' Alive? Yeah. Okay. Wait, do you, Ron, though?

Like, really? Yeah. Like, just go ahead and sing just a little bit. Stayin' alive is fun when you're a snake. And that's what you're gonna do when we save your life, Mr. Snake. The tempo's about right, actually. All right, as Ron is doing that, I'm breathing into the snake's mouth. I'm trying to think of what I should have you roll for to like express lungs, strength, lung capacity.

Constitution, I suppose. Constitution? Yeah. Alright. Glenn like thinks for a second and like looks over at the vat of beer and follows the trail of like green poison to a bunch of dead orcs and then looks back at the vat and then back to the thing and he goes,

Hey Henry, man, maybe you shouldn't like put your mouth near the snake's mouth. Too late. Henry's already giving the snake mouth-to-mouth, and he got an 11. So with an 11, you blow and you blow, and his neck doesn't quite resolve itself into the normal trachea sort of shape.

I go, Daryl, you gotta get in here, man. You got bigger lungs than me. Henry, Henry, man. But you also have to roll another constitution saving throw with disadvantage. Henry, Henry, man. But you also have to roll another constitution saving throw with disadvantage. Oh, shit. Okay. With poison. Yeah, because you're sucking poison. You're blowing, but you're, you know, there's poison blowback.

Ooh, I got a two. Oh, shit. Okay. So you are poisoned. Let's look at what that means. He wanted to blow through the stake. One damage every ten minutes. Yeah, you get disadvantage Let's look at what that means. He wanted to... I'm pretty sure it's something pretty boring. One damage every 10 minutes. Yeah, you get disadvantage on if you jump real high.

If we save this snake, it'd be great. Ooh, slant run. I love it. Maybe for Henry, it's too late. But we'll still have the snake, though, so. Ron, you got, like, the vocal chops. You should, uh, you ever thought about starting a band? What? You did start a band. You're famous here. Yeah, actually, I am.

I only used one vocal cord for that little ditty because the dual singing I saved for the big shows. Yeah, if you want, like, an autograph after we get out of here, just let me know. Henry, meanwhile, while this is going on, an autograph after we get out of here, just let me know. Henry, meanwhile, while this is going on, is still huffing and puffing and blowing into the snake's mouth and just, like, sort of, like, foam is

kind of coming out of Henry's mouth and, like, he clearly, like, his lips are turning green. Okay, so, actual poison is boring as shit. You get disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks for as long as they're poisoned. So, we'll say that happens to you, but also take a d20 of damage. Okay. Whoa. Because we just saw all these orcs die

so he's got a pretty potent poison. Fair enough. Let's do a bad roll. A 19! Oh, yes! Oh my god! Okay. That'll be 19 damage. So you also then have disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls until you

get some sort of antidote to put into you. But the snake is still, you're going to have to do at least a 15 check on him. Okay. To blow those lungs open. So can we see the snake breathing or anything? You see like an air bubble sort of move down to its neck. It's a snake. But like it moves down a couple inches

and then seems to stop at a sort of 45 degree angle bend in his neck there was like guys it's just like a hose you guys don't ever water your lawn it's just a kink in the hose he picks up the snake and he just unbends it do an attack roll with your hands attack roll sorry first do a medicine check if the message check fails then you're attacking him okay that's fair 13 plus 1 14 so that's not good enough okay so you just grabbed him and just stretched this poor boy even further give me an unarmed attack roll oh no it's a d4 plus 3 and i rolled a 4 well you rolled a maximum damage oh no okay so yeah so you say don't worry i just got to get the kink out and you pull but then it just kinks his head in the other direction you've

now completely like sort of almost rebroken it in a different angle. Daryl is completely shocked. He just stares and he goes, kids, I'm sorry y'all had to see that, but a snake doesn't move anymore. Henry can no longer blow in the mouth of the snake because he is retching up green bile in the corner.

And then my lips are all swollen up like in Kung Fu Hustle when he gets bit by the snakes. Great. Daryl's like, buddy, is there anything? Are you alive alive what's going on you okay daryl be the worst emt daryl you gotta breathe in his mouth all right i try to unkink him again again all right give me a you guys are welcome jump in this is how you treat a snake i mean i think give me a medicine check try to beat a 15 14 plus 1 15 yeah baby Yeah, baby! Holy shit.

Okay, so you once again unkink him, but this time the sound of the stretching and the pulling and the tearing, you hear it for a second, but then you hear a pow! Puh! And the snake straightens out very suddenly like a pipe cleaner that you just pulled taut,

and it's moving again buddy you all right henry crawls over to the snake and he casts speak with animals and i go are you okay and he goes kept you waiting huh so that is uh thanks to somebody on our reddit who said that we fucked up horribly by not having the snake say that the first thing when he came back okay what is that metal gear what is metal gear it's a metal gear solid reference he goes thanks thanks for the save there i'm just paying you back what's your deal who are you does it matter i'm your savior and you saved me well like we're pretty why how did you come to be in this cave how did you following you i was trying to find you guys

so i could repay the debt my people we have have WikiLife debts just like many other races in the Forgotten Realms, and I didn't like being in debt to you guys. Wait, this snake has been following us the whole time? Truly a stealth mission. Henry, what is he saying? He's saying that he's been following us this whole time, that he's been like our sort of guardian snake, a garter snake, if you will. Oh.

Well, Daryl Wilson, buddy, nice to meet you. And I kind of shake him because I'm still holding him what's your name buddy tell him to stop chill put him down you're hurting him sorry buddy I put him down wait hold up Mr. Snake if you've been our garter snake

this whole time a lot of bad stuff has happened and you're just kind of wondering where were you? As Ron says this, Henry, like, translates in snake and goes like, sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss and those big dad guys, but I saw these dumb orcs are dragging you in a cave. Maybe I can handle that. So I slithered around on the ceiling and got in there ahead of you. And like, I did what I could.

I tried. We got through all the other stuff and like, I'm pretty sure we would have died without him. So like, I don't know. I feel like you should say thanks. Well, Mr. Snake, thank you for helping us. What's next for you? Thanks, Snake.

Well, now I go back to my people. Who are your people? It's just a lot of people that pretty much look and sound very similar to me. Well, they have slightly different variations in sound, just in case you ever meet more of us at the same time. We got a liquid snake. We got a solid snake. Some of us are liquid.

Some of us are gaseous. Glenn. Some of us are naked. So the snake says, I see you're hanging out with the Lord of Chaos, huh? Oh, that's my son, my beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow. Yeah. Yeah. Keep an eye Sparrow. Yeah, yeah. Keep an eye on those two. Hey, do you know them?

I was in their prison. That's where we met. Boys. And I turn to Lark and Sparrow. Yes, father. I point at my eyes and I point to the ground right in front of me. Look at the ground? No, get over here right now.

Typically one would point at us and then point at the ground? No, get over here right now. Typically, one would point at us and then point at the ground. Well, I think you're both intelligent enough people to understand what I mean when I give you the boy's voice and I point. It means you get over here right now. I do like the compliment, so I will approach, says Lark. So, yeah, Lark and Sparrow come up and they go, yes, yes, father. Well, they're avoiding the gaze of the snake man. Did you imprison this snake man? A little, perhaps, mayhaps, a little, perhaps.

Well, what do we do when we imprison snake people that we shouldn't have imprisoned? When we did something wrong and it was bad, what do we do? Weep, weep, uh, weep, uh. And Sparrow goes, it's okay, brother, you can say it. It's a sign of inner strength to show weakness. Weakness is strength. I apologize.

And he kneels and he goes, apologize, apologize. I apologize. I'm so very sorry. And Lark just like crosses his arms. I guess I'm sorry. I guess. Lark, that was that. I know that took a lot and it doesn't make up for the fact that you imprisoned this man.

But I'm proud of you both for apologizing. And sir, to you on behalf of my two sons as their father who takes responsibility for their actions i would like to apologize as well all their actions what's this thing about like apology is like the inner strength well sometimes admitting that you're wrong or that you did something bad is really hard you know that's and you're holding yourself accountable can be difficult so in that way apologizing and admitting that you did something wrong isn't in fact you know weakness it's you know it can sometimes be a show of your own personal strength of character, in my opinion. But the point isn't us right now.

The point is, why did you guys lock him up? Why did you throw him in your dungeon? Because he is icky. We don't like snakes. And Larkin and Sparrow go, we don't like snakes. They're gross. We have to touch him in order to come up, and I don't like it. But Sparrow's like, I'm trying to learn to love all the creatures of the world,

no matter how scaly and disgusting and ugly and gross and weird. You can stop explaining now. Okay, okay. Ron turns away from the group and goes over towards Terry Jr. and says, hey, Terry, we're cool, right? Terry looks at you and goes, yeah. He's pulling a Grant. Yeah, I mean, he's looking at Grant as he does it.

And Grant's like, oh. Like a little thumbs up. I lean over to Ron. I go, hey, I think Terry's mad at you. Yeah, I kind of pick that up as well. My kid's mad at me, too. We should, you want to talk sometime? I'll just.

Yeah, I'd love to. It's hard to each other as opposed to your kids. Yeah, no, that sounds like, actually, wait. I'd like to introduce you, Daryl, to a special friend of mine that helps me talk through problems sometimes. If you could look at my upper lip for a second

and just say, hi, I'm Daryl Wilson. I'm looking at the mustache, but I'm like, my hand is behind me and I'm like snapping at Glenn and Henry to like get over here. Henry is not listening. He's in the middle of like an incredibly long winded monologue about like how in a toxic masculine society we undervalue emotional sensitivity. Glenn styles over to within hearing range. Your mustache, Ron? You want me to talk to your mustache?

Yeah, if you could. Just to be polite, I don't know his first name, but it is Mr. Mustache. So you have to say, Mr. Mustache, hi. I look at Glenn and kind of roll my eyes like, okay. Hey, Mr. Mustache, I'm Daryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. And I put my hand out and I go, boop. I touch your mustache. I Hey, Mr. Mustache, I'm Daryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. And I put my hand out.

And I go, boop. And I touch your mustache. I go, Ron, come on. What are you doing? You all right? Oh, that tickles. You jokester. The mustache does not move.

Oh, shit. I'm playing positive. You're fucking up my cover. All right. You okay there, Ron? Yeah. Was that just a joke? No.

I mean, normally he really helps me out but i guess kind of i'm on my own with this one thanks though daryl i guess you're on your own no problem um that's what daryl gets her trying to talk to ron so ron turns around and starts writing something on one of his razor sharp business cards for a while. Whoa. Grant, how's that shoulder doing? He like shuffles his shoulder back and forth and his arm just dangles a little bit. He's like kind of limp. I think you dislocated it, buddy.

Get on over here. Let me see it. I'm good. I mean, I feel like I'm good. Nah, I've had, your dad's had more than one dislocated shoulder. It's not good. It's just going to hurt worse. Let me see it. So I walk over and I go and I check out his arm.

I was like, just stay still. Don't, don't move it. Yeah. He's like, don't, don't,'t don't and you take his arm so yeah what are you gonna do okay i check it is it dislocated it is okay yeah kid this is very dislocated here's what we're gonna do this is gonna hurt but if we don't put it back in it's gonna wear you down and it's gonna hurt worse and worse and worse and we can't have that okay yeah all right i'm not gonna lie to you this fucking fucking sucks, Grant.

I don't use a bad language, but I just want to prepare you for this. This hurts. I'm going to have to pull it out and make sure it's straight, and I'm going to pop it back in. Okay. Are you good? Do you want me to do this?

If I said no, it's not like you wouldn't do it. No, Grant, if you really don't want me to try to fix your shoulder, we won't do it, but I'm just letting you know it's going to hurt worse throughout the days. I really think we got to pop this thing back in. All right, go for it. You're going to be okay. It's just going to hurt quite a bit. Hey I really think we got to pop this thing back in. All right, go for it. You're going to be okay.

It's just going to hurt quite a bit. Hey, Henry, you got anything that can numb the pain afterwards? I got a bunch of beer in this jug, Daryl. Nice. As you call over to Henry, he's still talking to the snake, and he goes, you know, it's like in the book Iron John by Robert Bly in the sort of middle of the book when he gets into the younging and archetypes of masculinity.

Oh, yeah, I can maybe cast some healing on him. I can help out, Daryl. Excuse me one second. Henry, roll perception. I got a two. Okay. types of masculinity oh hey yeah i can maybe cast some healing on him i can help out daryl excuse me one second henry roll perception i got a two okay the snake is gone yeah you don't know what point he slithered away but he's definitely i've been holding court to lark and sparrow like kind of like gesturing back to the snake and now i'm like oh okay yeah daryl i'm coming right over all right damn he is good this is now we're in the area where like dnd healing mechanics and like real

life role-playing mechanics don't quite sync up because i'm like i could just cast cure wounds on him but that's not as cool is it a wound it doesn't feel like it's like a i mean it's i mean the abstractification of pain and damage and stuff like that is gibberish for this but the story is is strong enough that we'll say that your cure wounds ability would like be a shot of morphine or something afterward and would remove some of the pain. But in order to actually get his shoulder back, you got to do it. We really do need that TV tropes after action patch up. Yeah. He's got to have a big old cut. And then like you put a little bit of alcohol and he goes.

That's only the moment when he hurts and it increases the sexual. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, man. Henry. Henry rips off some of his shorts to do a bandage. And now his thighs are scandalous showing. It's like the biggest tan line is like the strongest tan line you've ever seen. Like on it, because we've been out and running.

OK, this is what henry does henry provocatively unzips one leg of his hiking pants like the shorts part and then he's like all right i don't know what you do with this maybe like do you want me to make it into a sling daryl or what do you need yeah uh yeah if you could make a sling that was great i was gonna use my belt but if you can make a sling right now that'd be great because yes we should put this in a sling afterwards dang this isn't quite long enough to be a sling i'm gonna have to unzip both of my shorts so i unzip the other hiking leg pant and tie them together to make a sling for grant's arm i kind of like nudge grant's face away from watching uh henry uh strip and i go okay just just dare me all right grant is definitely

trying to get a look okay oh okay that's right the moment i noticed that he's trying to take a look i just like shrugged i was like he's trying to take a look, I just shrugged. I was like, that's as good of a distraction as anything. And I pull his arm out so that the ball of the shoulder pops out. And then he's probably flinching. And then I push it right back in. So as you pull out his arm, his eyes go wide for a second. And the yelp that he makes is not one necessarily of pain. Oh, there's a little pain in it, but it's almost one of surprise, and his eyes go wide,

and he looks at his own shoulder and then to the rest of his body with a great deal of shock. Ron is now one business card away from having written on the front and back of all of his remaining business cards. What the fuck is going on with Ron? Daryl hugs Grant tight and says, it's okay if it hurts, buddy.

Not that tight. Yeah, well, not around his shoulder. And he's putting the sling on. He goes, you okay to walk? You okay to keep moving? We got to keep moving, though. Uh-huh. Yep.

So as you say that, Ron, you feel the leaf that you've been carrying around that has not been written on it? You feel that begin to vibrate in your pocket. Does anybody remember what kind of, like, real-world mechanism the leaf leaf is is it a pager or is it a phone or something i'm just gonna pull it out okay uh and i look i look at the leaf so the leaf has uh on it the very small simplified features of aaron o'neill's face on it it goes uh did something happen you're all still here we're still here our van got sucked in but we couldn't get in with some like like, tendrils or some weird feeling. Like, it felt like we were, like, ropes were attached to us. We were pulled out.

Ah, shit. I was thinking we'd just go right back without the van this time because, like, we got rid of, not us. We didn't get rid of it, but, like, all the orcs are dead. So I was thinking that we should just go back and try again. You can try as many times as you like, but you're anchored here. Anchored? So, yeah. I saw in the sky this, like, big purple tendril going a little bit north to this, like, commune that we don't visit very often.

And I thought, ah, that can't be good. That feels like it's connected to the boys. You're the boys. So I think they've used their connection to you to anchor you in this world. And until you destroy the anchors, I don't think you can go back. How many anchors are we talking here? So there's one for each of the sort of family units, I guess. I assume I didn't see them. Are these anchored to our kids? Yeah. Anybody they want to keep here, they are using the anchors to maintain. So like, I assume

Ron, your dad has an anchor for you. Henry, your dad has one for you. Daryl, I don't quite understand why that would be a thing, but apparently you're anchored here as well. Yeah, I got pulled. Kids, did you feel getting pulled too, or were you just stuck in the car? All the kids go like, okay, we got pulled. Definitely got pulled. Yeah, we got pulled. Pulled very hard, but I was fighting against it.

I wish that I'd been able to just try again. Wait a second. Peyton, did you feel like you got pulled? Uh, yeah, yeah. But. I'm basically like family, so that track's still. Oh, okay, fair enough. Maybe it's like a found family kind of thing.

In order to find the anchors, you're going to have to perform a ritual of the same type of magic that was used to create the anchors. Because they're daddy anchors, you're going to have to perform some sort of daddy ritual can you think of anything that you guys could do that would feel like a proper dad ritual that would be you know pregnant with magic bbq guys what's bigger ritual than a bbq erin claps and she goes that would actually be great yes a barbecue oh okay so yes here's what you would do in order to complete a proper ritual it needs to involve some sort of extra planar being, sort of like a quasi-god or like a demigod or whatever.

So what you could do is you could summon and cook and eat the dread cow Vakaris. And I think that would probably allow you to locate where your anchors are. Wait, wait, a god cow? Or just eating a cow for a god? What was that? No, no, wait, a god cow? Or just eating a cow for a god? What was that? No, no, it's the dread cow, the caris.

It's like a quasi-demon thing. How big of a cut are we talking about? How big is that cow? Take a regular cow. Imagine somebody just grabbed its edges and dragged it out and kept all the ratios correct. They were holding shift. They're holding shift, and it's now three times its size. It sounds like this big, wacky cow is from the far side of reality.

Fuck off. No. All right, Will gets inspiration whenever he wants to get inspiration. All the kids take damage. I don't even get that. So I refuse to take damage from that. It's okay. That's from Midvale School for the Gifted.

Am I right? I took four damage off of that. Actually, none of the kids take damage because they don't know what that is daryl takes out his inventory and he's already sketching out a cow and looking at the different cuts of meat and like kind of assuming like okay he's trying to already figure out how many people how many people he could serve with this bad boy if this is okay all right so settle down settle down so you're saying to by the way daryl's just very calm like writing and he looks up at Henry, who's screaming,

settle down, settle down, and he looks at Glenn, and he's like, yikes. Yikes. He just goes back to slowly writing his idea of how to cook up this meat. I can't believe it. Now there's two of them. Settle down. So you're saying in order to figure out where our anchors are so that we can break this bond or do whatever we got to do

to get back home we have to summon a cat you're just you're going real fast for me here aaron you're saying what you need to do is in order to you're a t-bone girl am i right you're invited by the way you're a t-bone girl i i leave anything off the cow i don't care which part i don't care if it's still mooing as long as it ain't green i'm good you know what i know we got this kind of back and forth and it feels like I know you – It's kind of will they, won't they? No. Well, ooh.

No, I wasn't talking – He's like pauses. No, I wasn't talking about that. Yeah, nice try, Anthony. I just meant you act tough, but like you help us out a lot. I understand. You like us. So I'm just saying you're invited to the BBQ once we do this,

and I'm saving whatever your favorite cut of meat is. You're getting it. Then, yeah, sure, T-bone. I appreciate it. Circle of T-bone, and I write Aaron. So the leaf just meat is. You're getting it. Then yeah, sure. T-bone. I appreciate it. Circle of T-bone. And I write Aaron. So the leaf just sort of rotates back to face Henry. And she goes, so daddy magic is predicated off of dad experiences, whether that's teaching

your kids something or just stereotypically dad behavior, like throwing a barbecue, you know, signs of traditionally patriarchal affection or control. And it's not always good. Sometimes it's toxic in the case of obviously your dads. It can be really, really toxic and bad, but also it could be used for good. So in order to find the anchors that are keeping you here, they're physical objects. Your dads have hidden them somewhere in the Forgotten Realms. And they are physical objects that you need to find and you need to destroy because they're made out of pure daddy magic. And they're probably made out of some object

or they take the form of some object that's important to one of you. Nick chimes in, like the Horcruxes from Harry Potter, right? I have no idea what that is. Nick is like, that sounds like some Horcrux show. That is a fucking Horcrux shit.

So the BBQ is just going to let us know where to go. Yes, the BBQ is going to basically infuse you with enough temporary dad magic that you'll be able to feel in your dad's soul where your particular anchor is. Can I like make a guess and then Anthony can take off the headphones and then I can make a cool Reddit conspiracy theory? Oh, OK. Freddie, wave at me in the camera when it's OK for me to put my headphones back on. Freddy, wave at me in the camera when it's okay for me to put my headphones back on. Hey, guys. Welcome to Mini Talking Dads, where we talk about the bad guys. All right, Beth, what's up?

What have you figured out? Okay, Peyton is definitely an anchor. Am I right? Wait a second. You think so? I think so. You think like what? Like he's going to be like a long lost child or something like that?

Maybe he's like not even like real. Like he's just taken the form of some sort of. Yeah. Interesting. I think Anthony form of some sort of. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. I think Anthony definitely has some sort of end game

for Peyton at this point. Yeah, I think he's an anchor. Okay. So how do we test that? Do we just like kill him? Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Can we get back to the podcast? Yeah, let's do this. All right, back to the regular podcast. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Okay, so we're calling on sort of like the dad magic, which is a thing that's real. And we're going to use that to inspire ourselves to see where to go, to see where these things... All right, so how do we get this cow? You know, like I'm not... Is it a mean cow with a name like the Dread Cow? I'm just trying to...

I'm trying to... It seems like we're pretty... It's a demonic cow. It seems like we're pretty clocked into the barbecue plan, which, you know, I mean, I don't need to go on and on about it, but I'm not, you know, super...

I'm going to cook up... I'll grill up some veggies, whatever you want, Henry. We'll grill up some veggies for you. Oh, sorry, Aaron. What was that? What was that? Aaron, is there maybe, like, a Dread Carrot we could fight that, you know? Aaronaron what was that what was that aaron is there maybe like a dread carrot

we could fight that you know because carrots are fucking dope carrots are sweet as hell wonderful beautiful creatures cows are evil oh boy they eat grass i stare him don't take this away from me i'm just saying maybe i turn around and like it is an incredibly detailed diagram of a cow. I've already chosen like all the different cuts of meat that I'm going to prioritize. Some of it's reserved for jerky for our travel later. I'm like ready to go. I'm staring at him.

Guys, yeah. Can we just sort of table this beef for a second? Well done. You get an inspiration. All right. I'm just saying if there was maybe also a dread vegetable, we could have some options at our daddy magic ritual for those who don't partake. No, I got you.

I mean, there's a bread demon. Oh, that's great. Oh, my God. I would totally love to fight a bread demon. Bread demon. Yeah. I bet that demon goes straight to my thighs. Am I right, guys?

No, you use that bread demon. You soak up the meat juices on your plate with that bread. That's perfect. Yeah, we can pair the bread demon with the meat demon. Okay, so then you're going to summon two demons and by killing them, yeah, you've now made the fight twice as hard for yourself. So I guess that's a plan. Wait, Aaron, we don't have to go anywhere.

We just summon them here. Yeah, I would love that. Yeah. I mean, once you have everything set up, I'm not a dad, so I don't know what the magic words would be. But if there's like some stuff that dads tend to say before a barbecue, something that gets you in a barbecuing kind of mood, do that. And then just also say the words, I summon the Dread Cavalcars and Dread Bread, Bread Dead.

And then they'll show up. Dread Bread Redemption. Where do they, how do they show up? Sorry, it's Dread Bread Redemption 2. Daryl turns around and looks at the huge fire pit. And he looks back at Aaron. He's like, where do they appear? What you're going to want to do is you're going to draw a sigil in somebody's blood, sorry,

and then they'll appear wherever the sigil is. Let's do the cage, guys. There's like a girl in cage right there. Exactly. Unfortunately, I have heard that if you want to summon Bread Dread Redemption 2, it takes six to seven years to do it, and you have to abuse a bunch of people and make them work way too hard and then when it comes out it's like it's a really realistic

bread but it's not like the most fun bread you've ever eaten oh shit well actually i heard some people actually buy it twice because there's a version of it lets you eat it with other people so it's kind of weird jesus christ all right it's a version of it that lets you eat it with other people. So it's kind of weird. Jesus Christ. This is a podcast for five people. Four. So we summon them. Someone's going to have to do a little ouchy time, but that's fine. We can figure that out.

Daryl already pricks his finger. Well, Daryl, we're going to summon them right now. We've got to rest first. Simmer down, buddy. Glenn points to the 40 dead orcs in the room and says, There's blood here, you idiots. We're surrounded by rotting dead flesh, man. So we can summon this cow

and then maybe this bread monster. Although maybe we can just use real bread. Like, shucks. You know, I don't want to make it more difficult for everybody. You know what I mean? I don't know if you need a bread monster. I don't know, guys.

I say, let's get this bread. I am out of character, very curious to see what a bread demon looks like yeah absolutely i don't know man this fight might be a little bit too yeasty no half the power god no shit that bread pun needs some work see there we go there it is don't patronize me, Will. Jesus. All right. You all have inspiration, you fucking animals.

But, Freddy, why would I do that? Oh, my God. Oh, you filthy animals. You filthy, disgusting animals. Well, it seems like before the BBQ even happens, we've got to fight this cow, and then we'll get the meat. Then we'll get the BBQ. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It seems like we should just prep this cave as good as possible so that when we summon them, they're 90% know, 90% done. Yes, I agree. Like, we've pretty much killed them. I agree. All right, well, Aaron. Sounds like a plan. Yeah, thanks a lot.

Hey, Aaron. Yeah? Thanks. Okay. Thanks, Aaron. It just sounds weird when you say it. Aaron, this dude better not be jacked up again. You sent us down a lot of jacked up paths.

You leave Aaron alone. He's always jacked up, and I always warn you it's going to be jacked up, and then you blame me when it's jacked up again you sent us down a lot of jacked up tabs you leave erin alone always jacked up and i always warn you it's going to be jacked up and then you blame me when it's jacked up the guy who almost let me die i reach out and i fold the leaf in half and then she cuts off and i stick it back in my pocket in my underwear pocket what symbol we actually draw ron i need erin real quick okay i opened up the leaf aaron sorry accidentally hung up on you uh sorry what's the symbol when you draw for both of them i guess we got one symbol for demon yeah one symbol for demon any symbol that means something to you as

a father or in relation to your father or the whole experience of fatherhood you get to make the same oh all right i call the superman football in blood so what the sandwich. Oh. All right. I call the Superman S. Football and blood. The what? The Superman S? Yeah. All right. Superman S and football and blood. Dig in.

All right. Okay. Well, thanks again, I guess. Yeah. No, definitely. Thanks, Aaron. You're such a dick. You're the worst one.

Every time I'm like, maybe Glenn's got something. And I give Ron a fucking high five. If we do this right, guys, there shouldn't be much fighting because these orcs had a cage and if we could seal that thing up real nice and just use it to just roast the cow that's basically it so henry says all right look i don't want to put us in any more danger than we need to be i think i can maybe tough this out i just you know i'm you know i'm gonna be a little bit i can tell i'm a little under the weather so you're not gonna get peak henry in this fight. So just-

Well, can we heal you? Do we have anything that we could- I mean, unless you have antidote for poison on you somewhere, like maybe- Hey, Payden. Yeah, what's up, man? Do you know anything about like antidotes for poisons? You know, like, do you happen to have that knowledge?

You can buy them from pretty much any merchant or any alchemist or whatever. They're pretty common antidotes because there's a lot of poison going around. Henry would like to make another half-assed insight check. This is going to be based off of Henry's casting back through his knowledge of watching shows like Man vs. Wild and Survivor Man and reading about like the restorative properties of different herbs. I believe you have a nature skill, so you can roll nature. I'm going to roll nature. Why the

French not? Rolling the bell. So I got to do disadvantage though, right so you can roll nature. I'm going to roll nature. Why the French not? Rolling the bones. I got to do disadvantage, though, right? Yes. All right. Well, I got a two and a five. So Henry's like, okay, guys, when I was watching the Pet Whisperer, they said that dogs eat grass when their stomachs are upset. So if you feed me a bunch of grass, maybe I'll feel better.

I'm just going to go ahead and try to heal myself up a little bit here and then let's do this thing I guess you know I'm going to also cast cure wounds on you. Oh that's right. I forgot that. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's let's let's get this thing so we can get Henry to a place that we can cure that poison. Sounds good. It's like what do you do. I'm going to put a comforting

hand on Henry's shoulder and like tap him in the belly and be like hey buddy feeling better feeling better a little bit all that gross stuff out. Huh. Yeah. That's 3d8 plus 3.

Nine hit points back to you, Henry. Oh, all right. Let's decide what do we want to do right now. Do we want to fight here? If we think we can latch that cage closed, that's going to be our best bet because these orcs have clearly used it multiple times for doing this exact thing.

So why not? I will point out the orcs seemed excited and not that surprised when we broke out. It seems like maybe part of the dinner theater experience that the food escapes this cage. Cows don't have opposable thumbs. Yeah, but this thing's probably pretty big. You guys keep talking about the cow,

but I'm more worried about the bread. Did she say how big the cow was? She said it was three times the size of a normal cow. How big is a cage? A cage is big enough to hold a cow that is three times the size of a normal cow. How big is a cage? A cage is big enough to hold a cow that is three times the size of a normal cow. Again, yes, thank you, Anthony. Guys, all right, Daryl starts walking up. I think it's pretty clear.

We got literally a cow burning device right here. Henry's sick. Let's get out of this as quickly as possible. We got to get out of here. I think we got to scavenge around for a way to lock it up, though, because we broke the locks off. These guys seem like they would be the type to have loose chains around maybe we can get some chains and do that so that's what henry does he's gonna sounds good henry's gonna hobble around and see

if he can while spewing all over the place find some he goes to the boys he says hey boys all right so here's the plan we're gonna try to summon this cow in that thing and get some barbecue going so i need you all to you know, be buddies and help us look for some stuff to secure that cage, you know? Lark says, I will do whatever it takes if the reward is more flesh. Yes, yes, yes. And he dances his way deeper into the caves, going, flesh, flesh, flesh, flesh, flesh,

flesh. And Sparrow goes, I will look after him, Father. We will come back with chains, or not at all. And he runs after Lark. Don't go into any of those tunnels. We're just trying to stick in this general area. We all need eyesight on each other. I don't want anyone getting lost in the network of caves, okay?

I'll go with them. Hey, come on, Nick. Let's go look for some chains and stuff. Hell yeah, chains. Metal, metal's hell. You find chains very quickly. There are all the stuff you would imagine in an orc ass encampment.

They had prison cells and those cells had chains on them and there were skeletons in there. And they don't have any cool loot on them because it was all taken from them. There are no orcs around. You get the feeling that like dinnertime brings everybody to the table. So at least in terms of the people who were here when you arrived, it seems like all the orcs are done for. So basically you have free reign to whatever you would imagine.

Well, it's nice that the orcs still find time to all sit down and have a meal together as a family. Yeah, that's nice. I think that's really important. In our high speed, high internet world, it's really good to just hang out with your friends and vomit to death. You know have a meal together as a family. I think that's really important. In our high-speed, high-internet world, it's really good to just hang out with your friends and vomit to death. You know, they're not all on their orc phones, you know, playing orc night. So yes,

you find your chains, you find locks, whatever you would like. Darryl goes to Grant and he's like, Grant, I think obviously the kiddos, you all shouldn't be in here, probably when we're fighting this thing, so leaving you in charge, buddy, to get all the kids obviously the kiddos, you all shouldn't be in here probably when we're fighting this thing. So leaving you in charge, buddy, to get all the kids outside of the cave area. Be right there and we'll call you when it's safe again.

You sure you don't need help? Ron says, sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. Terry, just looking at you and just shaking. Why would you even you didn't even say that to anybody. You just said it to yourself. It was like practically on your brain. It was like a secret from you to you. It's a song.

Is it? I've never heard it. Yeah, S&M by Rihanna. Oh, okay, okay, nice. That's why none of us know it because we're not cool. So Lark and Sparrow hear that and immediately they go Ri-Ri. So Grant takes Peyton and all the that and immediately they go, re-ree! Re-ree. So Grant takes Peyton and all the other kids out of the cave. He sort of walks them out and goes,

let's just hang out here for a while. Larkin Sparrow are busy, you know, punching each other and stuff like that, but they're all happy to walk outside and let the dads do all the cooking. All right, so we have enough stuff to lock up this cage. We need to draw our symbols in the cage, right? Yes.

And I got a bunch of orc blood here to write it with. Okay, so we were saying the Superman S and... Daryl's already drawing. He drew a very well-drawn football. Like, nice sketching, like, nice hash marks. So, like, an oval?

Get the shading on the underside. You can tell. You can tell it's a football. It doesn't look like an egg, Beth. It looks like a football. It looks perfect. The laces are out. If you don't mind daryl i'm just

gonna and then i put like the footballs lying in a little bed of leaves i'm like now there's something in there for me too just to like to make it like i just wasn't feeling really represented by the fatherhood images but now it's like the balls in nature and i'm into nature and that's you know so anyway i think we're good to go okay what's the cage like is it hanging from a rope or something no it's suspended like a spit over a fire there are two like arms holding it up all right team let's get two of you on the other side glenn why don't you stay with me ron uh henry get on that side and when this demon gets summoned we should just drop it in the fire hell yeah guys let's do it okay one two three doodlers doodlers doodlers and then there and so we got to say something dad like when we do it right so i've been thinking

about this and you know usually when i go to go to sort of barbecue events, like I usually don't really fit in, but I see a lot of other dads talking about the game. So I was thinking maybe we could talk about the game last night and that could be the way we kind of get ourselves in dad mode. And then see the game. Did you see the game last night? Actually, wait. Could one of you hold on for a second? Because I feel like to say my dad thing, I need to be with my son or my stepson. We were kind of trying to keep the kids out there to make it a little bit more safe.

That's all right. I can come back after I do it. Okay. Sure. I guess that'll count. We'll just hold this 400-pound thing. The three of us while you go do that, Ron. Okay, sure. I guess that'll count. We'll just hold this 400-pound thing, the three of us, while you go do that, Ron. Okay, thanks, guys.

Okay, so Ron, what do you do? I go and find Terry. You go outside, and you see that all of the kids are in one, they're sort of sitting in a circle, all holding each other's hands, like doing a massive, like, thumb wrestling. They call it battle royale thumb wrestling, and they're trying to all eliminate each other. And when Terry Jr. sees you he gets knocked out and he sort of stands up

hey terry can i talk to you for a second uh what's up and then he takes the business cards out of his pocket i don't know why his underwear has pockets but i guess that's a thing just he says i was writing this thing on my business cards, and then I was going to try to say it, but memorize. So you thought that I was coming up with it on the spot. But then I'm kind of under a time pressure because we have to kill a bunch of demons. I know that you might be mad at me, and I just want to say that I am sorry that Yoshi kicked you

off of the five foot drop thing. And then I'm sorry when I laughed when I said that I trusted you to kick the soccer ball because that made you think that I didn't trust you. But I'm also sorry for getting arrested for stealing the corner flags. I just thought that they would look great in the yard. I still think that. I'm sorry that I ate your otter pops from the freezer. And I'm sorry that I said. I fucking knew it was you.

I didn't know who did it. And. But I'm really sorry that. That you had to sort of lose one dad and then be almost the parent to the other. So you said that I didn't trust you, but that's I sometimes I trust you more than I trust myself. And then he flips over a business card. He starts and he starts reading the next business card. And then he flips over a business card. He starts reading the next business card. Meanwhile, Henry, Glenn, and Daryl are sweating profusely.

That's not how fatherhood should be. And I should be there for you. And he flips over a business card again. There's something that I've known for a while, but I couldn't really put it into words until now when I wrote the words down because I, I had never really heard it myself. So, um,

and then he, he said the business cards back in his pocket or whatever. I'm proud of you. And then he's like, I think they're going to drop the cage. So I've got to go back. But that was my... Someday you might be proud of me, too.

But until then, I'm going to go lift some heavy weights. Okay, so roll perception. Okay. This is going to hurt my feelings, I know it. Yeah, it is. Natural 20. Oh, shit. Fuck. Shit, shit. Fuck.

Shit. Fuck. So if you'd gotten literally anything other than the natural 20, I was going to say that as you turn around and ran back into the cage, you saw just for a second his arms begin to come up like he was going to go for a hug. But then he saw you running away. And so his arms dropped. Oh, I guess maybe next time. But with a natural 20, I feel like you see him begin to do that. And if you want to give him a hug, you can. I give him a hug, but it's like, I have to be like the little spoon of the hug, like the under arm part. And so it's like,

so like I'm essentially hugging him around like his mid torso where he would like hug my shoulders. It's like a middle school slow dance. It's very much. Yeah. And then there's too much back pat action going on. There's just a pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat. He's like, you can stop that. That back patting is weird.

But no, that was very. Thanks. Thanks, dad. Thanks, son. Meanwhile, from the cave. Ron, get the fuck out of here! Ron! All right, guys, I'm coming back.

All right. I feel like even when I'm lifting it, like, you wouldn't even notice that I'm lifting it. Yeah, we realize that you're not lifting. Okay. So I've got a thing that might be kind of fun for what you can say. So you can either

talk about the game or we can do this thing because I forgot that I wrote this down as a mechanic. So basically, I'm going to give you 90 seconds.

Fuck. And if you can come up with as many barbecuing or grill puns as are humanly possible in 90 seconds for every single one of those, I'm going to reduce

his HP by 10. Ooh. I like it. That's amazing. I'm gonna tell you when to go, okay? Okay. Three, two, one, starts now. Hey guys, nice to meet you.

Man, I sure hope this isn't a limp brisket of a good time. The stakes could not be higher. Your head's gonna go kebab after this. What the fuck was that? What the hell was that? I don't know what the... That joke grilled. That means it's good.

You have a minute left. As much as it propanes me to say this, I kind of wish we had a little more gas. Don't be so cold when insulting my jokes. What does that have to do with... That is not... No, I said charcoal. Look, it's really charred to make barbecue grill jokes.

I charted. All right, that one counts. This is hard under pressure. 30 seconds. 30 seconds. Okay. Don't flip out. We're patty much

screwed if we don't keep making more hot toasted puns. We're having a hell of a tongs. That joke wasn't a mistake. I think you already did that. You can do multiple steaks. You can do steaks multiple times. What's great about the smoke is that it gets

rid of... That joke was well done. That joke was well done. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up.

Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time's up. Time was well done that joke was well done it's rare to find such a well-done joke smoke is all the mesquite oh this is out of the way oh just barely made it sorry that was the opposite of making it you didn't get the mesquite joke in at times matt was talking come on matt clear room so that we can make puns i said well i said well done all right so of the ones that i would say i counted uh that's 11 puns in 90 seconds so it's lost 110 of its starting it's so hard when you're under pressure dude it's so much harder i believe the worst improv show anybody's ever watched once you finish doing that you see flames begin to rise from the sigils that you've drawn the superman ass and the football on the on the the bed of leaves. And in order first,

a massive three times the size of a normal cow. Ask how appears and pretty much fills the entire space of the cage. Like to the point where it's like back fat is like kind of peeking out through the little like holes in the grates and stuff. It's like veal. Oh, that's God, Matt.

Yeah. It's dark. Uh, right behind it. You see just a small loaf of bread just like into existence, and it's kind of squished up against the... Let go! I mean, I don't even think we have a choice. I think we just drop it.

What kind of bread is it? Are we talking like rye, sourdough, wonder? Yeah, what kind of bread? Paint the picture. Roll perception. See what kind of bread it is. I rolled an 18. Ooh, it's a nice sourdough loaf.

All right. Good. see what kind of bread it is i rolled an 18 oh it's a nice sourdough loaf all right good so the sourdough loaf and the massive demon cow with red burning eyes smoke pouring out of its nostrils scary i don't like that fire coming out the udders like a weird bad jet pack um it goes and then immediately you drop him down and he goes and as he falls he is going to try to mind blast you so everybody give me a dc16 intelligence saving throw you want to beat a dc16 with your saving throw for intelligence ah oh my intelligence is not great henry oak got a natural 20 it feels great because i feel like my roles have been dog shit for the last 10 episodes in a row. I was due. Glenn rolls a 4.

I rolled a 7. Daryl rolls a Beth minus a Freddy. Oh, no. Okay, so everybody except for Henry takes 22 damage. And is stunned for one minute. So that means you can't move or talk. You can't move or talk

for one minute? Yeah, but that's in combat time. So in real life can't move or talk. You can't move or talk for one minute. Yeah, but that's in combat time. So in real life, it'll be over in pretty quickly because this is not going to be combat. Like he falls. He only had 120 hit points to start with. And you did 11 puns. So the cage smashes down into the fire and he immediately burst into flames.

It goes, just like the prophecy for told. And he, he just begins. He goes, just like the prophecy foretold. And he just begins to, he just dies. He just fucking like his eyes pop and shatter and he falls over. I can't fall because he's like so stuck in this thing, but he kind of rolls over and stops moving. And the bread is just sort of burning. It seems to just be normal ass loaf of bread.

Does the bread say anything, Anthony? It doesn't. There's no eyes or anything. No, it's just a normal loaf of bread. I look at the bread and I say, hey, you quit loafing. God. Yeah, still doesn't respond. Weird.

Basically, yeah, the stunned time ends, so it's fine. You just got hurt a lot by a psychic mind blast from the demon cow. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I want to use my minute for a second here. And while I have the stage. I look to the other minute for a second here. What the fuck? Well, I have the stage. I look to the other dads who are all frozen, and I go, I think we learned a little lesson here, boys, and the lesson is veganism.

Because I don't eat meat. I'm timing you. Wait, wait. How long are we stunned? A minute. I'm timing you, Will. Ready? Go.

So I sort of walk smugly between the dads, and I say, hmm, it looks like maybe you guys have a guilty conscience about the way that our food is raised and processed, whereas me like i don't partake in that stuff so i don't feel bad so maybe that's why the clearly this was like some sort of guilt trip that this monster was trying to lay on us it bounced right off of me so i just uh i want you guys to you know take a minute and you know this is the last time i'll bring it up you know guys i don't i don't like bringing up this card a lot but i want to say, you know, maybe we should think a little bit more. Maybe we should watch Freddy's showing me

that I have 30 seconds left. So, you know, I would recommend maybe watching Food, Inc. There's a great book called Eating Animals. Follow James Cromwell on Twitter. He talks about this stuff a lot. And, you know, make sure to donate to good organizations. Like, you know, PETA is a little controversial, but, you know, find, like, different groups, you know. Reach out is a little controversial, but find different groups.

Reach out in your community. Join a co-op. That's what I would recommend. They have farm shares and farmer's markets. It's all about eating local, too. And even if you eat meat every week. We're going to eat meat forever. Fuck that.

We're going to eat meat for the rest of our lives, baby. Daryl just gets up and he runs straight down to the kids to make sure they're okay. And then he also glares at Henry. He's like, I'm not cooking veggies at this BBQbq by the way and then he runs down exactly a minute that's one minute yeah okay so freddie knows how much to cut out of the podcast wow she's fucking brutal kids we did it there's a burning cow in there we got meat for days and your dads aren't hurt. See, there's an adorable montage of all the kids helping you butcher this cow.

If you want to let them, I don't know. Lark definitely wants to. Daryl is willing to teach anybody who wants to learn how to chop up a cow if they so wish. Your son definitely wants to. And Lark definitely wants to. I encourage Sparrow to do it as well. Because they say, Sparrow, you know, it's ultimately you and Lark are going to have to make your own choices about your diet. But it is important to know where meat comes from.

So I invite you both to learn about this part of life. You know, even animals eat other animals. Your minute is over, Will. Oh, my God. So Sparrow stays with you, Henry. Because he's like, I don't like to eat. I don't want to eat animals. I'm a love wolf, not a meat wolf That's okay, and I hold his hand

That's A-okay, which is a way to spell our last name It's O-A-K, as we say in the old faith way We've said it for years Okay, the demon bread, when you pull it out of the fire Is not burned So it's up to you what you want to do with that It might still be alive. It's room temperature.

It's like it might as well not have been. I stab it with a knife. Nothing happens. I start cutting it in half. Okay, so you cut it in half, and inside there's just horrors beyond reckoning. It is like clearly, you never thought like bread could have organs,

like, but it's definitely. Oh my God. And it goes. No, no, my cabbage. Eat me, you coward. Eat me, you absolute coward and understand what true power really is. I just throw it right back in the fire. I just turn to her and go, we're not eating that bread.

Okay, boys, you can eat meat this once. I would have given you ultimate power. bread okay boys you can eat meat this once so guys i would have given you ultimate power okay so y'all are eating and uh as you're eating with your kids you can feel the daddy magic welling up inside of you you hunted you cooked meat for your children you prepared it and you did all this very traditionally masculine stuff oh so we're doing the whole bbq the whole bbq oh we invite aaron right oh yeah you did she doesn't show up no absolutely not there's a cooked t-bone steak to perfection on a plate waiting for her actually you know what she shows up via leaf and is like that looks great i've got some stuff to do here but that seems she was a maybe on facebook and then we all know what that

means when she doesn't eat the meat and closes he pretends like he's okay and then he eating her T-bone steak, despite the fact that he's already eaten an entire steak himself. He's just eating her T-bone steak as well. That's a very dad move. So each one of you individually can feel where your and your son's anchor is. Henry. No shit. Yours leads to a place called the Oakvale, which is to the north.

Daryl, your anchor is in, and this was sent in by KT Jansven Vuren Smith, I believe is the pronunciation. Yours is, you know how there's like water deep and there's like rock deep and stone deep. Yours is in balls deep. Nice. All right. Glenn, yours was sent in by Chris Pete.

Yours is in the meth bay. Yours, Ron, is in, this is sent in by Ryan Moynihan. Yours is in Swankery Hill. Oh, I like that. Swankery Hill. Swankery Hill. And as you're processing that information, Erin vibrates again on the leaf.

Hello. She says, So you guys said you lost your big metal behemoth. Did you also lose the like charm that prevents you from being followed? Oh God, was that in the van? What was that thing? It prevented you from somebody magically locating you.

Does anybody have it? I like start patting my pockets. Does anyone have the ball? Did anyone bring the ball with them? No one has it. It definitely was in the van. And Aaron says like, I saw the sky go like fucking black with ravens. Somebody,

I assume your dads, is passing out bounties to every bounty hunter in the Forgotten Realms telling them where you are right now in that cave. It's a John Wick situation. It's absolutely a John Wick situation. And as she says that, you hear clomping boots at the front of the cave, one after the other,

walking with purpose and anger and determination. And a figure comes through the darkness, light hitting his face, and it's Walter the Immoral holding a sword. Ooh! And he says, where the hell is Pagan? Hi, Walter.

Hey, Walter. How's it going? He's right here. Hey, babe. What's up? Oh, okay, cool. Dungeons and Daddies has new merch. Yeah, we got shirts, new pins, hoodies, all kinds of cool stuff. Dungeonsanddaddies.com sorry i have to

say that up front because most people tune out these great end credits they miss out on all kinds of cool jokes and funny easter eggs and well if you're still listening you already know all that stuff anyway this podcast is matt arnold as daryl wilson anthony birch is our dm will campos as henry oak beth may as ron stampler and myself freddie wong is glenn close theme song and outro Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. This week, special thanks to Katie Jans von Viren-Smith, Chris Peet, and Ryan Moynihan for submitting location names that we used in this episode.

And of course, special thanks to all of our fine Patreon supporters who make this show possible. People like Mocha, Billy McKeown, Sarah M. Black, Peter Horlor, Anthony V., McGold1, could be MCGold1, not sure, Ewan Evans, Natalie N., Jacob Likowski, and Bradley Weber. Patreon, by the way, it's where the perks are at.

You can get an ad-free feed of the episodes starting at five bucks a month, and it only gets better from there. Just recently, Patreon members all got a bonus episode of a podcast experiment we're calling Debate Me Cow me coward where matt and i debate contentious topics such as for example i believe that pepperoni does not belong on pizza and matt who was wrong disagrees with me you can listen to that and so much more at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads website where the aforementioned new merch can be copped is at dungeonsanddaddies.com or twitter or twitter.com slash dungeons and dads bit.ly slash dungeon dads for the facebook group r slash dungeons and daddies on reddit we have a p.o box now if you want to send us something i'm not going

to read that address you can find it in the episode description too many numbers too confusing next episode comes at you may 26th thank you for listening we will see you then it's i'm just slapping her butt i don't know what to do it's the biggest moral conundrum i've had since i went vegetarian