Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 38 - Clone Tree Hill

Episode Date: July 21, 2020

The dads rendezvous with Walter the Immoral as they prepare to investigate Henry's anchor.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, and violence towards children.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Cancun Chicken Keychain collect all five for a limited time only at participating Cancun Chickens. See me, I pair that with their salty slat salad and I know I'm in for a good time. And you can't go wrong with their sizzling Fire Beetle fajitas. No, sir, you cannot. Today's play comes from Balls Deep where the newly renamed Glen Bowl games have seen some rough attendance numbers recently. Post-game, Doodler Center, Daryl Wilson having a huddle with his son QB Grant Wilson. Some real intense emotions on the field

and off the field here. Daryl tries to bridge the emotional gap between father and son. Tees up his opener. Almost stumbles here when he tries to relate to Grant. A similar shared traumatic experience in his own childhood but get this, he implies it was easy for him. Rookie mistake. Let's go now to the Bullywugs walk this way slow-mo

cam. Take a look at Grant's go now to the Bullywugs walk this way slow-mo cam. Take a look at Grant's face here as he processes this. Big blunder from the big man himself. Not quite achieving the empathetic effect he was going for. Fortunately, Daryl catches his error in the nick of time before it sinks the whole play. He quickly clarifies that his own experience should not be held as the standard to which Grant should judge his own body. Booyah! That's right. should not be held as the standard to which Grant should judge his own body.

Booyah! That's right, some key wisdom dropped here, reminding Grant that we all as autonomous beings have our own emotional paths to walk, and he seals the deal here by explaining he draws his emotional strength from his family and sources outside himself. A powerful reminder that we're not alone in our respective journeys. Dad and Lad share some emotional catharsis here in the empty stadium, and Daryl scores some extra dad points by embarrassing grant in front of his unreciprocated crush

what a finish lucky the refs weren't anywhere near this play would have thrown the flag for excessive celebration am i right and that's the play of the day up next is glenbowl violent enough a new study by the fair and sports safety board says it could use more murder welcome to dungeons and daddy is not a bdsm podcast a loose tabletop role-playing game podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the bard slash rock and roll cover band dad of the group. This week's Glenn fact. I'm going to take everybody here on a little bit of a journey through the English language.

All right. I'm going to go. So I'm just going to go through a piece at a time. Glenn believes nobody should ever wear a mask unless they're being recorded potentially doing something that might be considered illegal depending on the jurisdiction which in our modern surveillance society means glenn thinks people should wear masks all the time but only in public and in the bedroom hey wow that was a journey a journey for you i did a 900 i was like tony hawk doing a 900 on glenn they had us in the first half does he film the

bedroom glenn doesn't kiss and tell doesn't kiss anyone if he's got a mask on in there yeah that's true actually we got stuff going on in there who all right that was a good one freddie freddie was freddie started here dear listener let me part the veil for a moment before this podcast freddie was like oh gee whiz i have to go first i always have a bad dad fact you know just to like kind of set our expectations low so he could kick the door down with clearly like a banger dad fact yeah ready to rock so fuck you Freddie that one's on my sticky notes that's more effort than I've ever done for a dad get ready for my banger god damn it yep my name is Matt Arnold I play Daryl Wilson a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian when he enters the Forgotten Realms.

Not a journey, just very simple. I'm sorry, I was just like, who becomes a barbarian when he enters his life? First of all, you got to be a barbarian before anything starts. Well, you and I are on the same page because I know that you laughed when Freddie Freddie paused after saying a loose D&D podcast. Simple dad fact. I was just going to say Daryl's one of the, this is also like my dad's dad fact.

Daryl's one of those guys, he takes great pleasure in essentially making his shoes last as long as possible and in fucking his wife. Well, his new balances and making fucking his wife last as long as possible with shoes with shoes on does he wear the new balances in the bedroom no he doesn't wear his new balances in the bedroom why not he wears his dress shoes in the bedroom baby

because it's a temple in there oh god you always wear your dress shoes to temple. It's a church. It's a mixed up. Oh, man. This is a rowdy episode. It's rowdy. No, it's got that energy. I love it. I love it.

He's got that arch support. You know what I mean? My name is Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the Birkenstock, rockin', munchie, crunchy, hippie, druid, granola dad of the dads. And he's a druid. And my dad pack for henry this week a little themed dad fact for the upcoming release of rocks rock the geology themed rap ep which is imminent imminent we're doing final like touches on it and it's going through a mixing mastering stage and then it's coming out it's very fucking good okay uh fun fact about henry is that rocks rock is not the first jam that henry has dropped because henry makes jam guys fuck off henry has a line of jam no fuck yourself henry has a line of jam called this is my jam and uh he doesn't

realize that that's a pun because he's never heard the phrase jam used for music before. So he's just like, this is my jam. This is my jam. And I'm Henry and this is my jam. You're probably asking what flavor jam does Henry make? No. And the flavor is just whatever fruits he can find around. He kind of forages.

It's whatever's left over in the fridge. So it'll be like apple and blueberry and like a couple old grapes are in there. And then so like every jar of jam is a little different. It's a little special jam. He brings that jam into the bedroom, right? I was so positive that you were about to say toe jam that anything else that you said was totally

forgivable. Henry doesn't put toe jam in his jam. He does scrape most of the mold off of it before he I'm like squirrel. Little LA humor for everybody. Little LA food humor for those in the know. You might see it on Twitter.

We talk about fireworks and jam here in LA. We're all depressed. Oh yeah? Showbiz baby. Hi. I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler. Oh, yeah. Showbiz, baby. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that his favorite class in high school was shop.

That checks out. Because he would just ditch school and go to the mall. And then he wouldn't buy anything. He would just kind of like hang out at the mall. Did he think that that was what shop was or was he just ditch school and go to the mall. And then he wouldn't buy anything. He would just kind of like hang out at the mall. Did he think that that was what shop was? Or was he just ditching? Well, like I think probably both. I think that he probably wanted to take home ec, but his dad made him take shop because like it's like a shop.

And then like shopping should be shopping. And so he went to the mall, but he probably didn't have any money. And so just like. So did he think he was failing shop? No, I mean, I think. I kept going, but I'm not doing well. I mean, like he's studying. I think that everything that he knows about culture was just like in one Westfield mall.

And business. Culture and business. Where people like, oh, who do you have for shop? And he's like, I have Claire's. I have Spencer's. I have Spencer. I just realized that Ron is a character from Third Rock from the Sun. Like, I just finally accepted

that's what he is. I never watched it. It's a good show. You don't have to. Does it hold up? I know. I have no idea if it holds up. It's more than five years old and it's a comedy. Frazier's sitting here. Is like French Stewart, like, is his character super problematic or something? I don't know. Why am I asking Anthony if he doesn't know?

I haven't watched watched in a while. It's probably a great show, everybody. Probably hysterical. I actually just found out about the Simpsons hams meme. Oh, the steamed hams? The steamed hams. You're in for a treat. I was.

I was in for a treat. It really gave me almost the joy that I had experiencing loss for the first time. You guys are in for an unforgettable luncheon. I'm so excited. God. Very good.

Oh, boy. Hey, it's me. It's Anthony Burch. It's your dad. Hey, dad. I realize I don't have a, like, Freddie was trying to bemoan the fact that, like, I'm going to go first.

I have to come up with a very small bit of improv before anybody else. I don't have a character, so I don't get to, I just have to come up with things from my life and further erode the barrier between artist and audience. So people know what my torso looks like now. That's the point,

Anthony. You have to be the like hot, sexy one that everyone loves. With a scar and torso. You're our Matt Mercer. You gotta do it. I refuse. Does Matt Mercer have a C-section scar fan art of himself oh absolutely hold on hold on I'm just checking wiki feet for Matt Mercer really

quick just hold on one second nothing no search results are there no dudes on wiki feet I'd say they're precious few dudes on wiki feet your dad facts just be about how hot you are Anthony that's no it's hot it's hot Glenn summer Anthony's dad fact is just about how hot Matt Mercer is yeah honestly, Anthony's dad fact.

Honestly, when I met Matt, I was like, that's not fair. I've never seen him. I want to look him up. He's very, very handsome. He's got like a Michael Fassbender face. Matt. This is a good use of the top of our podcast. It's just Googling how hot other D&D hosts are.

If you like D&D podcasts where the host is hot, definitely don't listen to this one. Listen to Critical Role and maybe NADDPod. I don't know what that guy looks like. What's a fun Anthony fact? The Last Jedi is my second favorite Star Wars movie.

What's your first favorite? My first favorite is New Hope. Oh. Oh. Oh. Well, I don't care. It wasn't just for you. I don't exist to please you.

I couldn't even pretend to be interested. Is that the fucking rubric for whether or not a dad fact is good? Is it Master Arnold thinks it's okay? You're not talking your way out of this one. Matt just blew you out of the fucking sky, dude. God. All right, fantasy world bullshit. When Last We Left You All,

you'd found the anchor in Balls Deep, but basically decided, knowing that its destruction would bring back all of the memories of Daryl's father, Frank, into Hayden. Yep. You are carrying it with you, and so it's just sort of a thing that you have now.

And it's full of Gatorade of different flavors. Yes, it is full of like one or two drinks worth of many different potions that I probably should have balanced better but forgot to. Yeah, but we only got a couple of drinks. That's the balancing. That's the supper bowl?

Yes, the supper bowl. That is the anchor. You have it with you. Everyone is, including including payton is now aware of the fact that he is a homunculus with the soul of daryl's father in it and i'm presuming that you headed back to walter to grab some more kids to get on the next leg of your journey because there is which amount some kids we have to roll for encounters to see if we fight some wolves on the way no absolutely not if you want to, yes. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead, roll.

Yeah, I want to. This is like a valuable part of D&D. I got a natty one, Anthony. Oh my gosh, Matt. Alright. Okay. I want to experience all aspects of D&D. Let's experience this. Give me a second. I would have literally if you rolled anything other than a one,

I would have said, said haha some wolves show up and you killed them but now that you rolled an actual one I feel like something needs to happen I swear to god I have screenshot this

oh boy okay okay okay I'm sorry guys yeah I'm just trying to learn how to play Dungeons and Dragons we've been doing this for about a year or so

I'm trying to think first you're mean to Anthony now you do this to all of us now you actually want to play Dungeons and Dragons? Who the fuck are you? I got a random encounter generator.

Yeah, but that's not the same. Is that a sex thing? Yeah. Oh, sorry, this is a dating site. Like chapping? Hot wolves in your area want to hook up with you. I would. Oh, no, I know exactly what to do.

Everything's fine. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. Oh, that's so scary. So nothing happens? All right. As far as you can tell, nothing happens. So I don't even get to roll because we're not even aware that we went into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're not even aware. Okay, if everybody wants to, you can roll perception with disadvantage. Well, I have disadvantage anyway, motherfucker, because you ruined my character. And if half of you fail, then all of you fail. That's probably going to... I got a... I got a two. Got a one.

That's one failure. You got a one, Beth? I got a one. I also rolled a one, so... Oh, my God. Get them all out of your system now, because trust me, once this shit kicks off, you're gonna

be very happy to not roll once okay anthony not how probability works everybody no no no it is no yeah we had another baby it would be a boy that's how it works okay so yeah what happened was on the way back to walter you all just took a rest for the night and you had great sleep you woke up feeling refreshed and everything. Just good bowel movements all around for everybody. Fine. Henry had a really solid PMBM if you know what I mean.

PMBM! Oh god. PMBM! What a shame. What a shame. Alright, so we hand him to Walter. So then his morning ones are AMBMs. Yes, he's got the AMBM and the PMBM. And then he's done for the day. How regular is he?

That feels unhealthy. Anthony, did we level up when we slept? Yeah. I told you, you leveled up as soon as you left the... Fuck, yeah. Oh, yeah. Nah, nah, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun.

Should have done this before the podcast started to record. That's how I get a fucking break in this fucking game. About time I get a fucking break in this game. What, you're level eight now? Yeah. Wow. Manage levels. Congratulations on reaching level eight.

You feel, as you all were eating on the field of Balls Deep and having fun and making fun of Gray and having a good old time, you could feel just a little surge of daddy magic within all of your hearts as Daryl's relationship to his son got closer, and I don't feel like individually making you level up on a different rate. So you all level up when any of you has a good relationship to one of your kids. We're learning from each other as a community of dads.

Exactly. Wow. Real dungeons. The daddies is the friend that you made along the way. Oh shit. I can do a feat or an ability score improvement. Why don't you go look up one on wiki feet? Yeah.

Nice. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, should we do... The feat options are really boring. They just have grappler. Yeah, it turns out when you actually play D&D, normal things happen in the mechanics. They want you to do normal-ass stuff. There's a couple of feats here that really make me...

For example, there's one called Tower of Iron Will. And this makes me think that just Glenn got a DVD about this guy named Iron Will. And he's me think that just Glenn like got a DVD about this guy named Iron Will. And he's just like teaching you how to do like pushups. No, it's teaching you how to race dog sleds. Iron Will, great Disney movie from 1997 about a kid who like runs the, no, it's totally real, look it up.

Oh, I remember this movie because the kid was named Will and I was named Will. Yeah, and it's like, it's a really heartwarming movie. Got a lot of great action. Unfortunately, it has Kevin Spacey, but you can ignore him. And yeah, just like a real Disney heart dog winner. I'm going to get a feat called Tower of Iron Will. And this is what it is now canonically is Glenn remembers fondly this Disney movie.

It's just basically like his like Mind Palace movie. And what this allows me to do is it says, quote, my mind's defenses are formidable. After you or another creature you see within 30 feet fails a saving throw, you can use your reaction to roll psionic talent die and add the number to the saving row, potentially causing it to succeed.

So now I need to watch this movie so I can like throw inspirational stuff at my companions to like help them out in case bad stuff happens. From your favorite movie, Iron Will. Is this on Disney Plus? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Ooh, okay.

All right. That's what old Glenn's doing. It's no Balto. It's no Balto. Balto is like my first Disney crush. It's like the dog Balto. I'm voiced by Kevin Bacon. I have bad news.

I don't think that's a Disney movie. No way. You're in love with a bootleg ass Robin Hood. No, it's a Don Bluth movie. Robin Hood is Disney, but Balto is Don Bluth. Don Bluth is sacred in my house, even though he's an asshole. Okay, so you've all leveled up. Does anybody else want to talk about fun things that you get from leveling up?

I am going to grapple because it feels like it's a come on in for a hug like a dad hug thing because essentially now when i grapple i can roll for another grapple check and then i pin the creature and then both are restrained until the grapple ends so it's like a big bear it's a big dad hug that's so in line with our bdsm podcast nice i chose ability score improvement and so i improved my constitution and my dexterity nice i chose ability score improvement and i decided to um improve wisdom twice since i fucking disadvantaged now sorry for the detour no it's fine this is that crunchy stat stuff that people love so much that's what people come to this podcast for so you head back to find walter the immoral at the predetermined location oh what is it what's our predetermined location i know you get to decide i guess are we going back to his home i think that's where all

the kids are no matt there are fugitives from our dad they're driving around on that motorcycle their house they're like a cool road gang you know they got ride you gotta be free they got free to do before you guys head to the balls deep i presume you're like hey in like seven days meet us at this rendezvous so like what's our cool run i think walter picked it because he knows the area don't you coward the smallest the smallest amount of world building i put under your plate and you flick it back at me hey i got it i got it we meet them behind this waterfall that we saw because i've always wanted to have like a scene behind the waterfall oh cool okay wait wait wait can i plus one that what if this is called ass sweat it's called the ass sweat it's very close to balls by balls deep yeah i was gonna say it's the one waterfall in this

fantasy world that doesn't have a secret cave full of treasure behind it yeah it's just a regular cave behind it it's a normal waterfall that's not actually has a lot of space behind the waterfall so you're constantly getting like pelted with water they're just camped out next to the waterfall because no one ever comes to this waterfall because there's no cool treasure but we said meet behind it because no one comes to this waterfall oh okay so we're all just squeezed in behind the waterfall it's like in a lost world when they're hiding from the t-rex squeezed in behind the waterfall. It's like in Lost World when they're hiding from the T-Rex. So as you sidle up behind the waterfall,

you see all the kids are... Soaking wet. Soaking wet. Terry Jr. and Larkin Sparrow are playing Ninja, the hand game, the slap each other's hands thing. Classic.

And you see a lot of bruises on Terry Jr.'s hands and Larkin Sparrow are like basically unmarked. You can also see, actually, Henry, roll perception. Oh, great. Might as well just tell me to just fucking shit my hand here. I got a 15. So you can immediately see that A, Walter has a beard now.

Whoa, frogs grow beards? Yeah, to show the time has passed. And B, Lark and and sparrow have tattoos on their arms excuse me so fucking metal i one of them has a tattoo that says sparrow and one of them has a tattoo that says lark okay and they're the reverse they're absolutely reverse yes yeah fucking right i i do i need to roll another perception to tell them apart? Yeah, go for it. Do it wrong. I got a 12. Okay, with 12 you can see.

So I rush out and I say, my two beautiful boys, what in tarnation, what the heck is this? Are these tattoos? And I grab their arms and look at them. They are indeed, father. We felt that it would be highly appropriate to honor the person that we love most with a tattoo of their name. And so I, Sparrow, have a tattoo of my brother, Lark, and I, Lark, have a tattoo of my

brother, Sparrow. And so we shall always be united in flesh and soul. I got to admit that's that's that pretty much melts Henry's heart. And he says, OK, I mean, I think you're a little young for tattoos, boys, but that's a very wholesome reason to get a tattoo. So in the future, you know, you have autonomy over your bodies. But like, I would appreciate a heads up just so as your parent, I can make sure that whatever you want to do, you're doing it in a safe way that you feel supported. Because I know a thing or two about tattoos going south. So like, you know, the I just I just I just wish in the future that i think we all need to communicate to each other as a family both ways before we make big choices like this henry you

got some tats oh yeah i have uh it's a long story and i show him the mercedes-benz tattoo on my back it's uh it's for it's because my wife's name mercedes you know it's like a cool thing to have you know okay lark says of course of course So I should ask permission or simply tell you that I am also good to get a skull tattooed on my chest very large across the entire torso. That my enemies may see death coming at them incarnate. Oh, and then your eyes could be your nipples. Exactly. Exactly. Clint understands.

Why don't we talk more about that when we get back to Earth, okay? Once we get back home. It's just I also think your mom needs to be a part of these conversations, too. So I think that's probably the way we need to handle that. I was thinking the other day about how insane it was that Henry's tattoo artist accidentally did the Mercedes sign instead of the peace sign. What kind of person doesn't know how to do a peace sign? That is so upsetting that you could pay money and somebody could be like, whoops, I accidentally did this car instead of like the peace sign. But they look really similar.

But point of fact, I, every time I try to draw the peace sign, I'm like, wait a second. You're drawing on paper, not somebody's flesh permanently. And you're not tattoo artists. To be fair, he could fix it, but he just hasn't. Walter sidles up to you guys and goes, I'm sorry about the tattoos. I didn't realize what they were doing. They did a stick and poke to each other before i could tell you guys speak up glenn we're

outside of the waterfall man just come out here you can be able to hear you guys we get cool it's very funny we get what you're doing but you know we're all out here back here it's so cool there's nothing in the cave i'm coming out hey man what's up so walter i i do have how did they how do they get tattoos? Just a stick and poke thing. I have some ink and quill and some stuff that I lie around to like, as you can see, I've done some visual design work on the motorcycle. And so did they tattoo each other or did you tattoo them?

Oh, they tattooed each other. I never would have tattooed them. That's not my place. How did they learn how to make tattoos? That's like a prison tattoo thing. Boys, how did you learn how to make tattoos? That's like a prison tattoo thing. Boys, how did you learn how to make tattoos? Both of them in unison. YouTube.

It's like in Gladiator. Maximus, man. They don't even have phones. I don't know how he's muttering to himself. It seemed that they had researched it before they came to this world, and we're just waiting for an excuse. Hey, Terry Jr., are those tattoos on your knuckles and hands there? No, this is bruises from them.

They hit me really hard. Terry, as your stepdad always tells you, never start a fight. Always finish them. I actually haven't done either. I watched you finish a fight with what I thought was my dad. Yeah, Ron, you've done some fights. Yeah, Ron, you kicked that guy's ass. Yeah, Ron, that was a Master Chief Halo finish the fight shit.

Well, that wasn't a fight, son. That was a war. That's a fucking hard thing to say. That's a hard-ass thing to say. Well, I just met that before. I came into this world and became the the strong sturdy man you see before you i wasn't much of a physical being and uh you know that's there's nothing i mean yeah you should play them again and fucking kick their asses

hey walter how's it been going running like have you have you guys been safe like how's it been taking care of the kids like any word from our dads or anything no i i haven't heard anything from your dads directly but i've definitely run into a couple of their brownie hunters we've been in some some tough scrapes some fun sort of side adventures that could be explored in like a graphic novel format or some other sort of entertainment media definitely a lot of self-contained fun stories with these kind of characters that don't need to be in the main campaign to have a lot of those hey walter we heard something from one of our dads oh yeah what was that my dad and guess what what i pick up paid it i go here he is behind payton no it's painted payton's my dad it's wild right uh payton's my dad. It's wild, right?

Payton is an eight-year-old boy. That's not your dad. But he's got, so, you know, we don't need to explain. It's a little complicated. But yeah, the soul of my dad is in Payton. He doesn't have his memories or anything yet. But if we break the bull that Glenn has over there, then his memories will go back in Payton. So just thought you should know.

It's pretty cool. So could you not do that, though? Because Payton's my son. He's my boy. Yeah, I know. We haven't done it yet either. Maybe he's your son, but he's my half-brother and Daryl's father. So we've all got sort of a little soap opera tie around him.

And he's sort of the ultimate patriarch, if you will. Sort of the daddy of us all. Wait a second. Guys, if Peyton is Daryl's father and your brother and Walter's son, does that mean that Daryl that Walter is your step

grandfather? The doctor was a woman. I guess so, but I think just, you know, from me to you, man, I feel like I went about this wrong way, but I think we kind of have to keep Peyton with us. I'm a little foggy on that. I'll be honest, because it feels like, you know, I don't know where we're going next. I was going to kind of suggest that we maybe go see about my anchor next, because like

ever since I looked at the thing that will not be named and Henry goes pale for a second, it's been a little harder to concentrate. I feel like I may be. Oh, the poop. Oh, Ron poop! Ah! Ron, how can you just say it? You saw it too. Henry, take a D4 of damage. Wait, I can use like, Henry, there's this movie

that I saw on Disney Channel years ago called Iron Will. Uh-huh. Inserting a thing later about Iron Will that I will look up. Wow. Wow. What a cool and specific reference that you definitely came up with off the top of your head and didn't insert later

by re-looking it up and recording it, Glenn. Yeah, I know. I just have those off the top of my dome. I'm going to think of a really good joke for this moment later, so we can just add that in too. I'm going to think of a whole story arc and sort of stuff for you guys to do later. Can we just write all the the dialogue now and add for the new podcast that i'll be doing

later okay i got two damage so he took two damage uh no i i hear you henry i guess the only thing is we don't know a lot about what your dads are doing it does feel like no insult to you uh walter but it feels like we probably don't want my dad's soul to get taken by willie and those guys it feels like he's probably safest with us. By that logic, aren't all of our kids more safe with us, Daryl? Our dads don't want to kill...

Your dads don't want to kill our kids. We don't know what they want to do with... If you want to spend some time with your dad, I think that's wonderful, but I think you could just maybe shoot straight about it. That's all. Peyton's like, yeah, son, do you want to just hang time with your dad i think that's wonderful but i think you could just you know maybe shoot straight about it that's all payton's like yeah son do you want to just hang out with your little man with your pops always throw the ball around i'll teach you how to shave i mean yeah that too i mean honestly i mean having pain around is dope i just you know anyways that's all we don't know what the dads want i just don't want i mean it's up to you i guess like

he's my son but he's your dad so I feel like it's only fair if you can decide whether you want to keep him or not. I mean, we're a team. We can put up to vote. It just feels like he's got a big magical thing here with us that we don't want to lose. I guess maybe we could ask him in that he's wise and that he's your dad, but he's also sort of young and with it because he's also a kid

sort of. Well, I definitely want to stick around because the chances of getting into a rowdy, rowdy fight with you boys is about a thousand times higher than with Daddy Walter. Sorry, Walter. You raise a good point, which is that if we meet

someone along our journey who can separate Peyton's soul from your dad's soul, it'd be nice if we didn't have to come all the way back to the waterfall

to get him and bring him back. That seems like something we might want to do lickety split. Henry, you do bring up a good point, I gotta say, about, hey, Walter, I can't help but realize that you couldn't even stop our kids from getting tattoos

and beating up one of our other kids who got beat up who got beat up no we got beat up they're playing a game look at terry jr your secret's safe with me kiddo sorry he's not feeling too well he got kind of beat up i didn't get beat beat up. They hit me on the hands hard. That's all. They just hit harder than I expected. It's okay. It's okay, buddy. Larkin, Sparrow, come here, boys. Yes. Now, I'm sure you guys meant that you were horsing around with Terry Jr., but you know, it's a game. You can't hit people too hard, okay? Father, in the rules of Ninja, you must strike to kill with intent. And indeed we have, and indeed we did. We have not lost a single game of Ninja. Sparrow, I'm going to ask you, were you trying to kill Terry? I was trying to win in such a way that he, as a character in the game, did not live anymore.

I see. But how much does him not living in the game have to do with how hard you hit him? If it's all in the game, then hit him really hard in your imagination. But maybe just give him a little tap. You know, that way you guys can play longer, too. You know, I received his consent. He said it was fine. Well, you know, sometimes people say things are fine because they're embarrassed because it hurts a lot. You know, then I lean in and whisper like, just ask Grant about that one.

Grant is just standing in the waterfall still and water just on his head. He's just standing there getting drenched. Terry has nothing to be embarrassed about. He's a good boy. Never been embarrassed. And if I need to kick the shit out of your kids, I'll do it. Ron, I don't think anyone needs to kick the shit out of anyone.

Why don't you destroy your kids? Immediately, they fucking take stances. They're like, bring it, sir. This is the day we've been waiting for since we met you and your mustache by the way daryl seeing that grant is just sitting there under the waterfall daryl's like oh good idea and he takes his shirt off and he goes to go under the waterfall he's like guys kind of clean up nice shower down here wait ron sees daryl take off his shirt and he thinks it must be like some sort of like fighting thing like bro i'm taking off my shirt everyone put their shirts on why i just i just i miss the rain i just like getting glenn peels off his shirt revealing rippling abs underneath no god grant turns around for that one

henry says to larkin sparrows like i'm not really a big fan of you guys playing this violent game. Like, I feel like, why don't you and Terry play like a compliment game where we see like who can give each other like the most self-esteem lifting, life affirming compliment. Okay, Terry Jr., you are very good at withholding pain.

That's, I guess that's a compliment. That's a start. Nailed it, I am the best. And he immediately slaps Lark across the face. And he goes, ha ha! And he slaps him across the face. Gosh darn it. All right.

Oh, jeez. Henry, I'm going to compliment your boys so good, they're going to die. Do I win? Bring it, coward! You got two of the same person. Blessings. Congratulations.

Now die. Prepare for a counterattack, Ronald. You have the ability to talk with your son and an emotional vulnerability that most adults can only aspire to. Hi-yah! That's great. See how much more fun this is?

Ron dies. We fucking destroyed him! Walter's like, so yeah, where are you guys gonna be next just so I know in case there's an emergency or whatever. There was Oakvale, right? Where Henry's thing was. That seems like a weird coincidence.

Hmm. Yeah, it is weird. I think about it. There was the Meth Bay where I think Glenn's anchor was. And then there was Swankery Hill where Ron's was. Daryl's been climbing up the waterfall, by the way, this whole time. Sorry, what? With all the strength of a raging river.

Yeah. Look, I feel like I need to sort out maybe where if we go towards my thing i can work through some stuff that'll get me past it i just got anything to stop thinking about the anything to stop thinking about the you know what oh father what did you see i think the next stop we're gonna do is the town of belly flop and daryl jumps from 30 feet up straight onto his belly oh the poop ah another d4 there's a potential roll there where you hit your dingus real hard and yeah i think i think definitely roll constitution or dexterity up to you i rolled 18 plus whoa damn jesus 24 when you flop, it is the water that gets hurt. I pop up like nothing happened.

Like I don't even sink. I just hit the water like jello. And then I just roll onto my back like somehow. And then I just like do a backstroke over to the shore and I get up and I put my arm around Henry. I go, yeah, man, I think if that's where you want to go, I think it's Henry Stern, baby. Let's do this. Okay. arm around Henry I go yeah man I think if that's where you want to go I think it's Henry Stern baby let's do this okay I agree because uh I've noticed that when I'm not the dad that's getting the most

attention uh people think that I'm a good dad and so if I'm just not if I'm just not uh having to be a dad in an active sense then people just like things go pretty well for me uh except for the poop i think we all are probably going to need to do our stuff first to help ron do his thing that's kind of my you guys taught me a lot about opening up do you guys want to open up about my poop it feels like you brought that up a lot another g4 i ah it hurts look daryl i just there was something. I can't talk about it. And I just wish you would respect that and not bring it up.

I will deal with it eventually. To quote one of my favorite people, we'll talk about it later. Okay. Father's winning the compliment game now. Destroy him, father. All right. It does feel like something that Willie did, but we'll have to deal with that later. But okay. In that case, you're going to be taking L, but we'll have to deal with that later. But OK.

In that case, you're going to be taking an arc and spare with you. I presume I will take Grant. Oh, never mind. Oh, this will be a

fight that I will. We are going to destroy you slowly piece by piece. Your entire psyche will turn into chocolate in our mouths.

OK, OK. Look, we're going to be going. This is our first time since we got separated that we're going on like a big adventure together indeed well i'm gonna need you both to be real grown-ups okay

i need you both to be on really good behavior and it's gonna be really dangerous out there and i know that you think that danger is fun and like a way to challenge yourself but like you could get really hurt you know lark sparrow could get really hurt and sparrow lark could get really hurt or i could get really hurt and if we have to come back to your mom and say that you know we got hurt or somebody god forbid something really bad happened to them she's gonna be heartbroken you know and you want to disappoint your mom like that no do you want your mom thinking that you know we hurt ourselves real bad because we were being goofballs no okay then Sparrow and Lark is like, I think mother would like to know that we were centurions out in the war defending her honor and our own victory at every possible. Well, you know, I think she would be very proud.

I think you're right. I think your mother would be very proud if you were brave and disciplined and respectful the way that a centurion is. You know, I remember seeing this movie 300. And while I wasn't like super hip with like a lot of the broader themes. That's a dopeurion is. You know, I remember seeing this movie 300. And while I wasn't like super hip with like a lot of the broader themes. That's a dope movie, Henry. He was racially problematic. One thing you got to say about those Spartans

is that they were disciplined and they controlled themselves. And they killed the weakest kids. And they, yes. He kicks the dude in the well. Hey, can you guys just give me a second here? I just, Lark, you are my warrior. But part of a warrior means like controlling yourself. And it means having focus. Can you guys just give me a second here? I just, Lark, you are my warrior. Thank you.

But part of a warrior means like controlling yourself, and it means having focus, and it means not dying or getting hurt in a stupid way. Of course. You know, we all need to be a team here, and being a warrior is about being a team, right? Yes, absolutely. We are team warrior.

Team Oak Warriors. Go team. Go team. It's going to be O-A-K-I-L-L. Well, it's going to be, if I-L-L stands for I love Lark, and I pat him on the shoulder, and Sparrow, we're Team Oak Hills. Team Oak Hills is a delightful nickname for us. Team Oak Hills on three.

One, two, three. Team Oak Hills. I just want to say that 300 was the first rated R movie that Grant got to see because Daryl convinced Carol that it was historical and important. So the moment he brought up Grant convinced Daryl that he was asking over and over and over.

Grant loves it obviously also because of the freaking hot dudes but I just want to say in the background Grant and Daryl are definitely doing this as Sparta over and over again in the pool. Like he's just kicking Daryl into the water and then Daryl gets him and he kicks him into the water and he's just doing it well to the immoral bids larkin sparrow temporary adieu and hands them off into your custody and if you guys want to leave you can just leave now and head for oakvale i just want really quick walter again just want to double check yeah you're good right like this is my kid like grant

you're okay you're giving me some shit about the tattoos and stuff like that i didn't explain the tattoo thing happened while we were dodging arrows from a bounty hunter and i was skillfully weaving us away from his attacks okay like i'm pretty much nailing it sorry you guys got shot at by a bounty hunter many times yes oh wow well gosh that sounds really we are wanted people hey thank you for keeping our kids alive, man. I appreciate it. No problem, man. No problem.

Let's all say bye to our kids. Can we all say bye to our kids? Yes, do that. Okay. On three. Hey, Nick. One, two, three, bye. Bye, kids.

I go, hey, Nick, you good? Yeah, I feel like I'm fucking killing it. Hell yeah, baby. I throw the horns. Abe was like on his own, kind of just like playing air guitar. Hell yeah. The second he saw you. Hell yeah. I throw him the horns. He throws the horns it was like on his own kind of just like playing air guitar hell yeah the second he saw you hell yeah i throw him the horns he throws the horns back god i have the coolest kid everybody ron goes to like ninja's wife terry jr but he hits him a little bit too

hard on the hand and he's like oh i'm sorry i was just what are you doing no i you know you gotta you practice your skills my hands bruised i heard even more i'm i'm sorry well i'll catch you later kiddo uh yeah i guess you will jeez louise okay so as you turn away from terry terry turns to look at grant and like sort of goes over and starts talking to him and you can't hear what they're saying i walk over to grant like it's talking to terry jr all right well then you hear terry jr go hey are you okay and then you show up so he stops talking oh oh hey hey terry junior hey man i just want to say bye to grant real quick but okay yeah i'll leave you guys okay i mean it's all cool it's not like a secret okay uh hey grant you're gonna be good with just walter i mean it's probably safer here than than

with us i just want to make sure you're doing okay uh i think i think i'll probably be fine if he can keep them if he can keep the twins safe i'm sure he can yeah you know it's probably gonna be a lot calmer honestly grant compared you know walter and terry jr and nick i feel like you're probably the most responsible one of all these people so you know just hang in there kid so i just want to give you a quick and i take off uh my watch i go this was don't don't let paven see it because Cause I know he's going to want it. Cause it's my dad's watch. So I look and I go, this is my dad's watch. And you know, I want you to have it.

You know, I've always worn it around my thing. Just, you know, keep good care of it. I'm sorry. My dick. Yes, Ron. That was wrong. Beth would never say something so awful. grant like doesn't take it from you i mean he's like i this seems like a i'm gonna if i'm gonna die thing i don't want to that's oh no no no no no no no my dad gave it to me actually when i

like the first day of little league like it's just been a lot too many wasn't a rolex gl. Why is everybody listening, Glenn? It wasn't a Rolex. This is a nice watch. They just know that when you're near Grant, they need to hide in a bush and eat stuff. It's just a nice watch. It's not a big deal, Grant. I mean, it is.

It's great. But I should have given it to you sooner. It's just, you know, you need a watch. I know everybody's got iPhones and whatnot now. It's not a big deal. But, you know, it's my dad's watch. I just want you to have it. Okay. Because I'm proud of you.

And you've done a lot in the world, you know, here right now. I would like you to wear it. I would like you to have it. You don't have to wear it. You can do whatever you want with it. I just want you to have it okay because i'm proud of you and and you've done a lot in the world you know here right now i would like you to wear it i'd like you to have it you don't have to wear it you can you can do whatever you want with that i just want you to have it oh it's weird chris so grant takes it he goes all right thanks i appreciate it and he puts it on can can your old man have a hug god all right yeah put my arms out please can you put your shirt on first oh yeah yeah of course i put my shirt on all right right, all right, yeah, bring it. When I hug him, I go, bear hug. You're going to get wet, salmon, and I jump into the lake with him.

And he goes into the water with you. Ruining your dad's watch. Yeah, yeah, immediately breaks your dad's watch. Oh my gosh. I was like, by the way, that watch has not worked for a very long time. Damn it, dad. He just shouted, God damn it, dad.

But he's like, you know, everybody's laughing at him and he's got that like kind of performative anger that children have where they're basically trying not to laugh but they're still angry kind of thing daryl walks away and he went specifically in the water because he's hiding all the tears he has that's just walking away from oh my god wow emotionally open daryl is like a scary intense energy it's like we just uncorked something and it's all coming out now. Unless there's anything else you'd like to do, you head off for

Oakvale. Okay, so then you ride for a reasonable amount of time. Do we encounter any wolves? Yeah, do you want to roll an encounter? Yeah, let's do it. I want to do another encounter. I got a six. Three wolves appear on the trailer in front of you three handsome beautiful wolves i cast wild shape and turn into a wolf and then i cast okay speak with animals and i go up to the

wolves i say hey guys and then he goes and lives with them for the rest of his life these guys are cool i'm with them all right we're going to go walk this way, all right? Roll persuasion. I'm like holding my axe. Are they cool, Henry? Henry goes, because he's a wolf, and he, as many people pointed out to me,

cannot talk to humans when he's in wild shape. Henry, can I pet one? And Henry's looking like, no, don't ruin this for me. This is still a touch-and-go situation. Henry got a 20 on his persuasion. Jesus! So the wolves are like, yeah. All right they sniff henry's butt i sniff their butts for sure yeah and i'm like around a circle everybody sniffing butts here's what happens is i

sniff the first wolf's butt and i go nice to meet you steven and then i sniff the second wolf's butt and i go ah tiffany nice to meet you and then it's like as can tell, my name is Henry. Be well on your way. Walk the way of the wolf. Wait, I want to pet them first. My human friend, Ron, would like to pet you. Is that okay? With a nat 20, the wolf's going, yeah, alright. I spend a half hour petting the wolf.

Which way are you guys headed? Oh, yeah, as wolves of the land, do you know anything about a place called Oakvale? Oh, yeah, as wolves of the land, do you know anything about a place called Oakvale? Oh, yeah, we try not to go there. Oh, why not? It's like just a lot of really tedious people. Tedious people? What do you mean by tedious?

Like, you'll see when you get there. They're just all a big pain, and they love to eat like vegetables and stuff so it's safe to be there so we like tried to live there for a while but they just with the with the dancing and the petting and the like touching and it's a whole it's a whole oh that sounds kind of nice though i don't know then you should have a great time okay, thank you for this information. May you be well wolves. Okay. We just say bye, but that's, I'm definitely a fellow wolf. I'm not a human in disguise. I'm like, go, go, go, go, go. Yeah. That's, that's also something we say

like reverse, not a wolf. That was like the wolf equivalent of like, will like bowing to somebody and we don't bow. So after a little bit, a day or so of travel, you come across a beautiful forest of trees. And it's unlike a lot of other forests you've seen in that every single tree, once you pay attention to it, once you really start looking, they're all identical. They all are angled in different directions and stuff, but they all have the same little knots on the trunks.

They all have the same number of branches, the same arrangement of leaves. So it's like Skyrim? Behold, the forest of Clone Brush. Welcome to Clone Brush Forest. The tree on its own is like the May plus Ultra of trees. It's like the quintessential tree that springs to mind when you think of what a beautiful tree looks like,

but sort of copied and pasted over and over again, it loses a little bit of its impact and feels like having dessert for dinner. Looks like a control C, control tree sort of situation. Am I right? All right, you get advantage for that. Fuck off. Despite.

It being bad. What that was, you get advantage for that. Despite that, you get advantage. As you get closer to the center of this forest, you hear singing. Many voices, old and young, male and female, and non-binary, all sort of singing harmoniously together with one another.

It's a looping melody of like three or four seconds that is very pleasant at first, but as you get closer and you start hearing it a little bit more, it's beginning to get just like a little bit irritating. I know what it sounds like. It's ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da. Ha ha ha! That's exactly what it sounds like. It's ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da.

That's exactly what it is. Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da. You're like, wow, is that? What is this place? Look at all these trees. They're like, they're identical. Hey, Henry, you're like a geologist, man. How does this, is that like, you don't know tree science.

That's not trees, Glenn. You know, I've known a couple biologists and treologists. I can't remember what the technical term is. I'll record that in later. I mean, Lark and Sparrow are twins. I guess you could have twin trees, and this is like a lot of trees that have the same DNA. I guess it's possible. I mean, you know a garden witch that knows a lot of

trees, so maybe they're just related to these other trees. You know, That's a great idea. I grab a leaf and I say, hey, Aaron. And Aaron's face appears on the veins of the leaf. And she goes, what it is. Hey, Aaron, can you see if I hold this leaf up? Yes. What's the deal with these trees?

They're all identical. Oh, gross. Ew. You're an oak veil, I guess. Yeah, we're heading towards oak veil to find my anchor. There's a sort of mysterious singing going on as well. Well, the singing, I don't know, but whatever's going on with the trees,

they were essentially magically designed. You know, a normal tree, you grow it, it comes to fruition, it's a natural process. It has its own life, it's a beautiful thing. That's why I love trees. But whatever the hell this is, is like someone found a tree that they liked and basically took the form of it

and magically made it over and over and over and over again just because they thought it was aesthetically pleasing. Like whatever place you're in was designed. It's not natural. Wow. So we're like in the Ikea forest. Yeah. Like we're in a prefab forest. Oh, that's very unsettling.

Can you control them, Aaron? No. No, I can't because they're not connected to the earth. If I found the original one, I could control that one, but all the facsimiles, no. And I don't control them. Like I talk to them. Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just my whole worldview.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, thanks, Aaron. Hey, anything else you can tell us about Oakvale as we're heading there? These wolves told me it was really boring. Yeah, no, I've heard that people there are like a lot. I've heard they're like a lot. It's good, it's good.

So yeah, I mean, I like a lot. So yeah, I mean, I can't, I, yeah, I would be very, very careful. Back in our world,

there's a group of people that are really a lot and they live by a silver lake in the city of Amherst. If, I'm not saying it should happen, but if worse comes to the worse and you end up like killing them all and

burning the forest down, my trees are still looking for a place to chill. That is like, cool. Are you saying you want me to commit tree genocide or tree gentrification? First of all, first of all, treason was right there.

First of all, second of all, no, I'm just saying where you guys go, rowdy things happen. So if it does happen, just let me know. This is why I didn't think we should have split the money with her. She's a murderer.

I'm not saying do a murder. I'm just saying if a murder happened, you would benefit from it. You're saying wipe out the local population so your trees can move in. That is called settler colonialism. And I bid you good day. And I hang up the leaf. Hell yeah, Henry. All right.

We got enough of that back home. We don't need to bring that crap here. Let's go on, guys. I'm ticked off now. Jeez Louise. I hope she'll still help us when we ask for help, though. She probably will. If you continue toward the singing,

if you want to like move stealthily, you can to sort of not be noticed. You just have to roll for that. Or you can just like walk in like you own the place. I think we should be cautious. There's a movie. I think it's called Midsommar on Earth. I didn't watch it because it looked really scary.

But like, you know, sometimes you hear happy singing in a forest and you think, oh, that's nice. But if it's a little creepy, you should be cautious. I would recommend the Shakespeare movie. Right. I don't think there's ever been a situation where if you heard weird singing in the forest that ever ends up good. So, I mean, there's always there's the Renaissance Festival. That's a good thing.

We can send Ron in, Ron Stealthy. We have Ron scouted out. Oh, that's not a bad idea. Ron, do you think you could scout this out? Maybe I could go along with Ron as like a little bird or something like that. That's true. So that we could maybe get an eye on the place and I can help out Ron if he gets in trouble. Yeah.

All right. Let's see. How am I going to be stealthy? I think I'll just sort of walk quietly toward the sound. That's a good start. Yeah. Master of stealth. Yes.

Before we do that, I turn to daryl and i say daryl this is very very important i need you to put 99.9 of your energy into making sure my sons don't follow me into that forest because the second i leave they are gonna try to just go do something crazy like they always do. And I am entrusting you to be their dad in, in Temporal. Henry, I put my hand on his shoulder. I'm like, Henry,

you're the QB on the center. Those two kids, your two kids, they're the front line of the other team. They're not getting near you. Okay. Don't you worry. I'm stopping them.

I appreciate it. And I'm going to treat them like my own kids. Nothing's going to happen to them. Glenn is already playing ninja with them. Boys. And I'm like, yes, yes. And I'm going to treat them like my own kids. Nothing's going to happen to them. Glenn is already playing ninja with them. Boys? They're like, yes, yes, yes. And I refer to all three of you, I guess, when I say that. I am going to go scout out this singing with Ron.

Mr. Wilson is in charge, so you need to listen to him and do what he says, okay? What? No. No. Glenn, what are you doing? Glenn, come on. Help out here. What?

We're playing ninja. No, it's cool. You guys can play ninja. You guys can play ninja with Mr. No. I don't think we will do that. Come on. Help out here. What? We're playing ninja. That's cool. You guys can play ninja. You guys can play ninja with Mr. Close. Okay, game on. Ow, ow. Oh, he's a sneaky one. Okay.

I like him. I like this one. Okay. Don't worry. I think as long as they're doing this, they're not going to go anywhere. Okay, good talk, boys. Ron, let's roll. Daryl, by the way, jumps into ninja.

I mean, he's competitive and he loves freaking games like this, so he's just absolutely jumping in. And they say, ooh, big boy! And they immediately gang up on you. I turn into a cricket and I sit on Ron's shoulder. Aw! Nice. Give him life advice.

Okay, Ron, give me a stealth check. That is a 17 plus... 24 or whatever. Groudy boy. You love to see it. You really do. Okay, so with that banger of a stealth roll, you manage to get pretty close to the singing. And you can see that in the center of this forest, there is basically a little sort of civilization that has been created in the center of these trees.

In the distance, you can see a big temple. And you seem to be in a residential town sort of area. But everything is all tents. You just see a lot of tents right next to each other. You see somebody grilling asparagus. You see somebody brewing kombucha over on the side. You see a bunch of, like, what's the word I'm looking for? Dirty hippies.

You see what seems to be a sustainable, very healthy commune of people. And right now they're all dancing around in a circle, just sort of singing the Nokia ringtone to each other over and over again. And you can also actually roll a perception. Oh, yes. The two perception dum-dums. Oh, whoops. I got an 18. I got a 16.

So you can see that while everything around you is this like beautiful, lush, verdant shade of green, like Windows 95 default desktop levels of like picturesque. Of bliss. Of bliss. In the distance, you can see that there is a rather large and unusual looking metal door sort of set into the ground like flush.

Like it's like a door. It's some lost shit. A hatch. Yeah, actually kind of, I guess. Yeah, there's a hatch. But what's inside this one is hopefully better. Fucking. Dang.

Colin, you're shot. Oh, it's a guy at a terminal. Big fucking deal. It's a Trader Joe's. It's a Trader Joe's. All that stuff that I just described to you, that's sort of like the second thing you notice. The first thing that you notice is that all of these people who are dancing around and singing at each other,

they look a lot like Henry. They look like relatives of Henry at the very least. What is... They all have the same color hair. They all have very similar facial structure. They're all kind of whatever you imagine Henry looks like, dear podcast listener. Imagine that like writ large. The island of shaggies.

Does Ron notice this? Yeah, both of you do. Is Henry picking up any anchor vibes? Is that going on? Yeah, you can tell that whatever you're looking for is probably either in that temple or it's in that hatch. They're both in the same basic area of the sort of village and they're distant and it's between you and those two points of interest are all the people sitting. Okay, upon seeing all of these people

that look a lot like him, like a really deep-seated fear just comes over Henry and just kind of grabs him in the pit of his stomach or his thorax or whatever crick it has. And he fights it down. And he has this sharp vision in his head of a door with a bunch of surging light behind it pounding open.

And he manages to, in his head, just keep it shut for another moment. And he looks to Ron and like he taps Ron with like a little Cricket hand. What's up, Henry? And then, because he can't talk because he's a cricket, Henry makes like little SWAT team gestures, like with his cricket hands.

That's adorable. To suggest that we like go around this place. No, yeah, they all look like you. That one and that one. Henry shakes his head and he says, and then he kind of tries to mime out again, like he pretends to hide behind Ron and then like sneaks across to

the other shoulder and then nods like you get it oh yeah yeah yeah so i should look like you so that i could blend in here and just sort of walk across so so ron um digs into the dirt ahead of him and gets like whatever horrific mud like worms and stuff that he can like dig up from the ground and just puts it all over his body. Just like whatever can make him smell absolutely horrific. Just like completely filthy. Just like end of apocalyptic YA novel filth levels.

Bleeding, openly dying, smelling like gangrenous um intestines okay um damn and then yeah he just walks with cricket henry kind of fake cheerily trying to blend in to the rest so are you are you gonna walk like through or past the group of people are you trying to like sneak around the trees and stuff or what's what's the story not sneak so much as like to be very careful behind the trees but just sort of like quickly make a beeline for do you want to go for the temple blend in yeah just kind of blend in okay so it's more of a deception check yeah stealth check oh i don't like that you just fucked yourself son i got a 19 so go fuck yourself dad fucking shit okay so you managed to confidently walk past all these other people that look a lot like Henry Oak.

And your nose is filled with this. I think Ron is like, it does like a, like pumps his fist like, veggies. Yum. Very good. So you've made it past this initial group of these people. Where are you headed? To the hatch or to the temple? So, Ron, do you go around a corner?

Do you hide at all anywhere? No. So I think we're going to the temple. Okay. I'm so happy that you put your entire fate in Ron's hands. I know. I was like, shit, I can't talk to Ron. Well, I mean, I feel like if you point with your little cricket hands, like I did.

Yeah, that worked so well last time. I tap on Ron and I point towards the temple. Like, let's check there first. Okay. And I go to the hatch. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. All right, let's go to the temple.

As you get closer to the temple, Henry, you can feel inside your daddy heart that this is where your anchor is. It's somewhere in this temple. The temple is pretty tall. Like, it stands out amongst everything else in the village that you've seen because everything else is very humble, very small, very low to the ground. The trees are as high as they get. You can't see the top of this temple because its roof goes above the canopy of trees. It's large.

It seems to be made of stone, something a lot sturdier than anything else you've seen surrounded. It's a good thing you went there first. You can climb up to the top and get a whole, like, you unlock the rest of the map if you get to the top of it. Yeah, and you dive off into a big bale of hay. But yeah, outside Basically, references are only funny when i do them i'm sorry beth had the exact same reaction when i did i had so checked out by that point that i just like there's a big set of steps leading up to a very large ornate door with some carvings in it you can't make out from here

and standing in front of that door are two people who again look like relatives of Henry Oak but they are the only people thus far that you've seen that are clad in some sort of armor and they're holding sabers and they're just standing there I need to stop being a cricket okay

okay we'll jump back to the other group how about can we check who's winning the game that everybody that's pretty important right now as i want to know if i'm winning glenn and uh daryl roll dexterity yes shit shit six total oh god four plus one five yes yes lark is fucking annihilating all of you lark rolled a 17 lark is like the wind you don't realize you've been hit until already happened in his hand our hands are bruised up yeah your hands are totally bruised up he's hitting you way too hard he did not listen to what henry was saying lark kid man i think soccer's not your game you got the skills you should like hockey like look at this look at your maybe tennis look at your i am interested in no games save for the most dangerous sir which one's that hunting

people warfare the art of combat oh okay well okay well you know uh you'll figure that out at some point that's not really good but yeah let's do another round i've grown tired of this you are no challenge to me you oh that's because i'm not left-handed i've been playing with my left hand the whole time really yeah well then may have so wager mayhaps and sparrow goes oh i do love a wager yeah me too but i'm gonna sit this one out no no no glenn and we need you that's two versus you two if you can beat me in a game of ninja then i will follow my father's instructions and respect you as my elder if i beat you however i do what i wish and we will search for our father in the singing forest uh i i i'm so happy someone else has to deal with these fucking kids for once

lark sparrow we can keep playing the game but i mean either way you're gonna have to listen to your old man roll dexterity again that time that is a straight up natural 20 oh shit piece of shit you motherfucker with plus ones of 21 i got four but now 20 what is he gonna do what is he gonna do that i'm gonna stop him they both just went run for it and they just ran in the other direction just like started sprinting and i guess you caught them i instantly ran and i picked them both up by their collars and i just hold them i go kiddos it is. Your dad's gonna be back soon. This is fun. We get to play.

You can do whatever you want with me and Glenn here. We get to play some ninja. We can play another game if you want, but you're not going after your old man. It's dangerous. You understand? And Sparrow goes, yes, but perhaps the most loving thing we can do at this moment

is to respect our father and our godfather, temporary father's wishes, and just stay here for the moment, Lark. And Lark is like, I will listen for now. But at some point, you will have to sleep. Yeah, we'll see. There should be just a side quest where, like, at some point, Lark and Sparrow get kidnapped by, like, bandits,

and it just resolves itself. We just have a whole thing where, oh, no, we've lost them. It's like that whole Julius Caesar side quest where Julius Caesar got kidnapped by pirates and then managed to talk his way out and then came back and killed them yes exactly tell you what kids how about i know you want to prepare for combat tell you what i saw some fish in that lake why don't we sharpen some sticks and we can go fishing fishing yes that's sort of like fighting but against a much weaker foe i guess i can support this. Break some sticks. And I pull out the knife that I took from Peyton.

Peyton's going to be like, oh, let's not flash that in front. It's mine. Can I have that back now? We'll all share together. I'll show you guys how to carve some wood. And we'll go ahead and we'll sharpen some sticks. And we'll go swimming. Anthony, how do the animals behave?

Are they like a Disney animals? Do they flit about like just knowingly and lovingly towards us? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. So a lot of birds do that you find that a couple of animals when you come up i have the same sort of look on their faces the wolves that you met they're just like oh these people and they're just heading in the opposite direction but some of the birds are like hi hi how you doing nice to meet you hello hello we can hear

them yeah they speak english so like daryl's like sharpening the stick. And he's like, what did you say, Glenn? I didn't say anything. What? Hello, hello. Welcome to Oakvale. Oh, you're all so pretty and so sweet looking. What the hell is that? Look at those children.

Look at the three children. I love them. Which one's cuter? They're all so cute. I can't decide. Glenn puts a single finger out to be like, will this bird perch on my finger? The bird immediately perches on your finger.

And it's like, what a lovely finger at the perfect size. How are you doing? I am I was going to say sparrow. Sparrow with like S-P-A-R-R-O Sparrow. My name is Sparrow. What a pleasure to meet you all.

Glenn holds Sparrow up real close and is like, Daryl, is this bird named Sparrow talking? Don't worry, it's talking. Hey, is this bird named sabaro talking don't worry it's talking it's talking hey do all the animals talk here like the fish too yes any animal that lives in oakvale gets the ability to communicate with the residents of oakvale it's one of the many gifts installed upon us by our benefactor sorry kiddos i don't think we can fit i feel you know me i like eating meat but i feel a little weird killing animals that can speak to us so i think we're gonna have to take a pause on the on the fishing oh i can't believe you would get us

so excited and then oh this is this is i'll teach you how to throw we'll throw the spears at the trees we'll teach you i'll just teach you how to throw some spears like javelin oh okay if you teach me how to throw a spear accurately i am sure that will never come back to haunt you that could be your sport. Track and field. You guys are talented at a lot of stuff. Javelin. The javelin throw. All right.

So wait, what were you saying about the benefactor? Sorry. There's a lot going on here. Yeah, bird. What are you talking about with this benefactor?

What benefactor? Yes, yes, yes. The lovely benefactor, Barry Oak. What? Say that again. Barry Oak? His name is Barry Oak.

I guess the bar is the less weird thing than the oak. Oak? His last name's Oak? Yeah oak i guess the bar is the less weird thing than the oak oak his last name is oak yeah bar re oak he is the person that made this lovely world for all of us this lovely corner of the forest yeah i mean it makes sense this place is called oakvale it's a little coincidence that it's henry's name but you know oak's a common tree so wait what barry daryl no hey largas fair what what what's your grandpa's name?

On our mother's side? No, no, no. His name is Pablo Garcia. No, no, no, no, no. Your dad's side. Barry. His name is Barry. Oh, Barry.

Daryl, it's okay. That one's named Barry. It's not the same guy. No, wait. They might have walked into a trap. There's two guards in front of this big tower. Yes. All right, I tap Ron again, and I point to, like, a nearby bush.

Like, like, like. Uh big tower. Yes. All right, I tap Ron again and I point to like a nearby bush. Like, like, like. Uh, yeah. Ugh. I go toward the bush and I just stand next to the bush. Henry de-crickets and turns back into himself. Shit, am I naked now?

No. Fit right in, baby. I thought we said that like when I turn into like an animal, like my clothes don't turn. Oh, we did say that, didn't we? Ron might have carried your clothes with him. Okay, great. So I turn back into myself and say, hey, Ron, thanks for holding my clothes. And I start putting my clothes don't turn. Oh, we did say that, didn't we? Ron might have carried your clothes with him. Okay, great. So I turn back into myself and say, hey, Ron, thanks for

holding my clothes, and I start putting my clothes back on. I mean, it's not like I could wear them, and Ron looks fondly at the pants. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, I guess all the people in the center of town just saw a pantsless, mud-covered person walking back and went, yeah, that checks out.

Henry, do you think this place has like an elevator or whatever? Cause those stairs like pretty, pretty steep. And I'm kind of beat from just, you know, I got it with man. I'm freaking, I'm kind of freaking out here,

man. I'm really scared. Why are you scared? Is it because everybody looks like you? Yeah, man. What the heck is going on? Like this place feels really familiar,

but I've never been here before. Like this is that door just i just i don't like it that door i don't feel safe i just feel like we need to get out of here but i know the anchors are here so like i don't know what to do man i'm really i'm really nervous do you i'm really thinking that maybe no offense but maybe like you know someone a little more decisive could bounce off of our neurotic energy right now i feel like we're just gonna kind of feed off of each other right now do you know what i mean are you freaking out freaking out? I'm freaking out a little bit. Well, I wasn't freaking out before, but now I'm freaking out. This is exactly what I was afraid of. This is called a vicious

cycle. We're going to start freaking each other out. Well, no, because I'm looking at your face right now. And then all the other faces that have your face look happy. And so maybe they have my face. They don't have your face. Like they didn't steal your face, but they just have, have your face. You know, it's a. Like, they didn't steal your face, but they just have your face. You know, it's a good thing that we weren't at a place called, like, Stamplerville because everybody would be

so sexualized that it would be so hot. It would be, like, just an absolute, like, allergy pit. Ron, I need you to focus, man. I need you to focus. I just can't.

All right, let's say something to focus. Let's do one, two, three doodlers, and then we'll be focused, and we won't have to worry about focusing anymore. Okay, ready? All right. One, two, three doodlers.

Okay. I feel better. I feel a little better. What are we going to do? I don't know. I don't know what we're going to do. How have we been deprived of this pairing for so long? This is so good.

I want these two on the road. A high-strung Bob Hope and Pink Crosby. Yeah. Okay, Ron, it seemed like... Wait, did you hear that? It sounded like a bird or something. Hi, hello, hello, hello. Who's in my bush?

I should have invited you. All right, okay, okay. I see what happened. Okay, that's all of a big laugh at my expense. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, of course. It's my home. We're from Manscaped.

We've come here to talk to you about this bush. Fool me once. Welcome to my home. How are you doing? Oh my gosh, a little talking bird. I feel so rude for not inviting you in, but you're already here. That's so perfect. No. Fool me once. Welcome to my home. What are you, how are you doing? Oh my gosh, a little talking bird. I feel so rude for not inviting you in, but you're already here. That's so perfect. Hi. Hi. Hi. Wow. Bird's talk. That's, I can roll with that. That's fine. I already said doodlers. I can't get freaked out about something else. Mr. Bird, I'm sorry, I didn't want to assume bird person, bird. Um, what's your name? My name is Domino's.

Domino's the bird. That's a lovely name. Listen, we're visitors and we tend to approach places with caution, which is why we're in this bush. And then we both are having a lot of anxiety right now. So I'm hoping that maybe you can give us some. We're fine. So. So should I should I go?

Do you want to mumble to yourself? Could you just help us out? No, no. I was wondering if maybe you could tell us something about this place we're in. Where do we find ourselves? What can't I tell you? This is Oakvale. It's great.

I love it. I love it. What's up there? Up there? I point to the door. This is the home of our benefactor, of our lovely benefactor, Bari Oak. Bari Oak. Barry Oak. And a chill runs down Henry's spine, and he says, what did you say? Yes, yes, yes.

Barry Oak, the man who built this lovely land of Oakvale for all of us to live in. Barry Oak built this place? Oh, what a funny pronunciation. Where are you from? That's delightful. Where are you from? I don delightful. Where are you from? I don't know. And I say that way too loud.

So two things happen. Firstly, as Ron says, where are you from? You have the realization that the door leading into the temple is the same door you see in your mind that you keep shutting every time it's about to open. Secondly, as you shout, I don't know, at the top of your lungs, the two guards at the front of the temple immediately come down to investigate. And they are going to see you in the bush unless you do something. And there's really nothing else around.

Like, you're going to get seen no matter what, but you have one action of a thing to do before they get to you. You could turn into a bird and fly far, far away. I burned both of my wild shapes already, so I can't turn into a bird yet. Maybe if we act like we live here. You could take Ron prisoner.

The old Wookiee. The old Wookiee trick. The old Wookiee trick. It's that old Wookiee trick. That might not work if they don't normally take prisoners. Hey, man, I'm not going to make assumptions. Hey, how about you just look real friendly, and then I'll just try not to look super obvious. Yeah, Ron just melts in like fucking Rambo into the wall.

I literally think that like this is a bad move to pull on a podcast, but I literally think that they like swoop so that Ron's back to back with Henry and just like facing the other direction. But like his profile is completely hidden by Henry's Ron hides behind another party member perfectly give me a stealth check to see if that's what you did why? because sometimes bad things have to happen

I got a 12 plus 8 fuck you're plus 8 okay yes no exactly what you just said happened so then here's what happens is Henry goes, oh shit, they're coming. Ron, what do we do? And then I turn around and Ron is not there. They go, Ron? And then I turn around again and Ron is not there either because Ron is perfectly synced

with my back. And then Ron says, I'm right behind you, buddy. And then Henry goes, Jesus. And then I've completely blown my cover. So the two guards come over to the bush and they see you shout Jesus. For a second, their eyes narrow as if to sort of suss out who you are.

And you can see their eyes travel your face, just like really studying your features. And then pure shock is visible on their face. And immediately they both kneel and they go, Hen, Sir Hen, you've returned. Henry's just speechless. Wait, what? One of them takes a horn out of his armor

and he puts it to his lips and... No, it's a different ringtone. What's another good ringtone? Hello, Motel. Yeah, he blows on the horn and the horn goes, Hello, Motel. And the doors to the temple bust wide open, and you see Barry Oak step down from the steps of the temple.

He comes down and sees you in the bush, and he goes, Oh, get out of that bush by sun. You don't have to hide anymore. And he holds you by both of your hands, and he goes, You're home. You don't have to hide anymore. And he holds you by both of your hands and he goes, You're home. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos is Henry Oak.

Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Our theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Shout out to all the Patreon folks who have always believed in us. From the jump, people like Sam M, Kay Lee Todd, Erica Keough, Keough? K-E-O-U-G-H I don't know how to pronounce that one

Hesh Podcast That's not your last name, Hesh Your family name is not Podcast Podcasts are a new thing Josh Duff, a.k.a. Tashrike Ian Rozek Lochtane Taylor from Marketing

Not our marketing, some other marketing Daniel McAllister And Tanya Milosevic wow there were some hard ones this week I'm also pleased to report that the Rocks Rock EP is being mixed and mastered right now it should be out maybe even by the time you

hear this if you're a Patreon supporter don't even sweat it you're getting this digital album for free as one of your stretch goal perks every single one of yes we're also going to have a digital download of the album on our website dungeonsanddaddies.com if you're not a fan for whatever reason of getting all kinds of awesome bonus content and campaigns and one chance i don't know don't let me tell you how to live your life do your thing but i'm just saying patreon.com slash dungeons and dads it's a party over there you could join it you find us on social media

twitter.com slash dungeons and dads reddit.com slash r slash dungeons and daddies and our website once again dungeonsanddaddies.com. You'll want to be on all of those for the moment we drop this hot fire. Our next episode, August 4th. Stay safe out there. We will see you then. There was a time when you could read

between the lines, you know they never brought you down. Never brought you down. Wait, is there a hot or not? But just for D&D podcasts. God, I fucking hope not. I hate to break it to you, everybody. I'm looking at these pictures.

We're we're on the not side of this. How dare you?