Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 39 - Forgotten Realms

Episode Date: August 4, 2020

Henry gets closer to finding out more about himself and his past as the dads face a tough choice.The Rocks Rock EP! https://store.dftba.com/collections/dungeons-and-daddies/products/rocks-rock-ep-digital-downloadThis episode contains profanity, violence, and sexual content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be located in the temple or in the hatch. We need you to infiltrate and find that anchor. Oh, jeez. How am I going to sneak past all these weird hippies? Ron, who are you talking to? Use the action button to cover yourself in mud so you blend in with these disgusting, smelly hippies. Copy that,

mustache. Ron, wait, don't... I'm making my way towards the temple. Remember, stealth is vital. What the frick? Why does everyone look like me? Hang on. Henry's freaking out because all the hippies look like him. Ron, use the weapon button to aim your tranquilizer gun at Henry. Oh, crap. They've spotted us.

Hang on, Mr. Mustache. We've been spotted by the hippies. Get out of there, Ron. Use the circle button to stick to Henry and use him as cover. Oh, that's a great idea. Thanks, Mr. Mustache. Ron? Run! Run!

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a light D&D role-playing podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. And this week, Glenn fact, coming at you hot. Glenn, as you know, has spent a lot of time in malls. you know, has spent a lot of time in malls. One of his favorite stores in the mall is basically the Brookstone slash Sharper Image store because they got those massage chairs. And Glenn, definitely every single time, there's like, oh, hold on, hold on. Let me just loosen up before the show

and we'll just plop down in a massage chair and just kind of let it go to town on his back for a little bit. It's his sort of pre-show routine. Other pre-show routines include, you know, stopping by the Auntie Annie's and picking up a pretzel and getting a massage, you know, the whole nine. But Glenn secretly harbors the belief that he's like,

man, these things should sell themselves. These people aren't trying hard enough to sell me on these massage chairs. So he thinks he can sell a massage chair to anybody if he had a massage chair. And his strategy is basically sitting there just being like oh yeah that's what i'm talking about exactly oh god he's been asked to leave three sharper image you know how um the sky mall magazines used to have all of the sharper image and Brookstone stuff in them. And they were always just like the most absurd stuff that you would never buy.

But like so my mom is similar to me in that like we'll like laugh about something super stupid and then we can't stop laughing. And then like suddenly we're just like disrupting the entire state of affairs and wherever we are. And so we used to like not be able to look at the sky mall if we were ever on a plane together because like literally we had people like turn around and be like hi could you guys keep it down because we would literally be like uggs but with wheels hello my name is matt arnold i play daryl wilson uh stay at home coach dad uh who becomes a barbarian when he makes love to his wife makes love to his wife i try to say something other than enters because i made beth laugh but then i was gonna

say comes into the forgotten realms penetrates the forgotten realms he becomes a barbarian when he comes all over the forgotten realms and my dad is so daryl may not know a lot about bdsm okay i'm very interested but it's not what you think is but he does know a lot about BDSM. Okay, I'm very interested. But it's not what he thinks it is. But he does know a lot about BRAT, which is the rule when you have an upset tummy, which seems relevant. So BRAT is what you should think about when you have an upset tummy,

which is bananas, rice, apples, and toast. And that's what Daryl always remembers whenever he gets an upset stomach and he always takes care of everybody. So wait, you eat them all at once? They're just the things you should eat those are the only things you should eat time that seems like you could be even worse well daryl's favorite rat food is toast but he likes milk toast which essentially make your own cereal which is you cook up some toast you put

some cinnamon and sugar on top of that toast and you tear into chunks you drop it in a bowl and you have a little bit of milk in there and then that is borderline recipe so it's like your salt cinnamon toast crunch yeah it's just cinnamon toast crunch you just made it yourself and it tastes great you can choose your own bread brioche it's amazing that's all the ingredients for just cinnamon you can just have cinnamon toast but you can make it yourself but that's you can get better bread maybe imagine going to your kid and being like hey hey don't worry about that oh fruit loops i can Loops? I can make Froot Loops. Oh, Count Chocula? Let me show you my Count Chocula. If you all haven't had Milk Toast,

one, you're probably not a New Englander from 1960, but two, it is delicious, and you should try it. It's good stuff. I remember when I was a kid, I was obsessed, as we all were, with McDonald's breakfast, and my favorite was the bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. And I remember my dad needed to do an errand one Sunday morning and and like dragged me along with him he's like will i promise you we're gonna get bacon egg and cheese biscuit after this i was like oh yeah so excited for

mcdonald's and he took me to like a restaurant like a brunch place for you know what would have been millennials at the time and we sat down and i was fucking furious like i must have been like seven or eight years old i was so upset that we were not going to McDonald's. And then he's like, well, they got biscuits and bacon and eggs right here. And then he asked the waitress to like, put it in a little sandwich.

And I was still, I was like, this is embarrassing. It wasn't as good. It was not as good. I've never, I've never had a fancy version. I've never forgiven my father for that.

I, that's why you don't, that's why you don't talk anymore. That's why we don't talk anymore. Since seven. Hey everyone, I'm Will Campos. I play America's favorite hippie Birkenstock, rockin', crunchy

munchy, nature druid granola dad from the Forgotten Realms. Oh. Henry Oak. That's right. And that's why I feel safe saying america's favorite because he's probably the only person that all that stuff applies to um i don't know there's a lot of dnd podcasts out there that's true fair enough that maybe we're not the first ones to that um this is i shouldn't have said that in the intro because my fact this week was just going to be henry's

from the forgotten realms and i feel like i've been sitting on that long enough that i'm busting it out as my fact this week if you've been wondering why you haven't heard any facts about Henry's like high school experience or like what it was like for him to be a teen or like what video games he played as a young man. Now, you know, it's because since episode like three of this podcast, I've been sitting on this bombshell and now it's a whole new world. Who knows what kind of Henry facts we'll have in the future. You guys think that being like, man, that show really became part of the Forgotten Realms is going to be the new Jump the Shark? I am very nervous for this very specific reason. I would have said if I thought you were actually nervous about it.

Well, can I ask you a question then? Because Henry has like a pretty comprehensive working knowledge of 90s computer games and video games. Yeah. So did he like come into our world and the thing that really got his attention was alls computer games and video games yeah so did he like come into our world and the thing that really got his attention was all these computer games henry came into our world with amnesia i imagine henry probably did a lot of digging around in 90s and 80s nostalgia trying to trigger sense memories for himself which is why like you know he probably for a while like

like mist really reminded him of something but it probably was just the weird energy of the creepy forest he grew up in. And the rhythm of hip-hop reminded him of music back from the Forgotten Realms. Yes, exactly. That was the inspiration. Most people dig around in 80s and 90s culture because they have depression now.

It was heartbreaking. Everyone was talking about how Stranger Things reminded them of their childhood, and then he he was like this reminds me of nothing couldn't enjoy stranger things he's the only one hey i'm beth may and i'm america's fourth favorite you can say it fourth favorite beth may there's actually a beth may that's elizabeth may and she's like a fantasy writer who has like way more fans than i will and she should just say that's you what's oh that is me yeah of course i think she lives in scotland though so but yeah so which means no one will ever run into her we had to talk to a random house to get beth on the podcast

she got like 100k twitter followers and now el followers. And now Elizabeth really adds a lot of like, it does sound a little more successful. That's what my mom always said. The author of the YA fantasy trilogy, The Falconer. Ooh, this sounds good. Yeah, sounds good, Beth. You're talented. The next time you call Beth May in universe,

it should be a, it's a wrong number. And you get Elizabeth May. Elizabeth May can show up and be like, who? Sorry, how'd you get my number? Please stop calling. Now that I'm like the toxic, awful person that looks at how many Twitter followers they have, like whatever, I clicked on her.

I'm like, Elizabeth May, who does she think she is? And then I was like, oh, who do I think I am? I'm Beth May, just to clarify, not Elizabeth May. And I play Ron Stampler. We've lost some followers now. Oh, no, I thought this was the girl. I thought this was the writer of the YA fantasy trilogy, The Falconer. I want to hear about the Falcons.

I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that Ron can type 70 words per minute. Wow. That's right. That's respectable. It's only one word and it's the word word over and over again. He can type the word word over and over again 70 times per minute.

70 words per minute. Yeah. That's pretty good. Still pretty fast. That's a little over one a second. That's pretty fast. That's pretty good. I'm not acting like. That's a little over one a second. That's pretty fast. That's like, even just knowing. That's pretty good. I'm not acting like it's something to not be proud of because, yeah,

it's good for him. Well, word to that. Right. This is what Henry's going to say when he finds out about that. Hey, everybody. It's me,

Anthony, Bert, your dad. Yay! I miss seeing your dad face. Well, that's one of us. You're just an Anthony

on my screen. It's just the aerial font Anthony. It's just sitting there. Could you at least put an emoji or something in there so I have something to look at? Anthony has evolved into his final form, a lowercase white on black sans serif font. It's just very hot in my house,

and I don't want to have to put on clothes just to talk with you nerds. Wait, are you naked for this recording? Yeah, that's why he always says he's not on camera. You sound so much like my dad. I thought you were going to say you sound so naked. That's what I thought he was going to say. Can you hear the lack of...

He sounds so naked. Yeah, that's an unfortunate thing that you can just know now. Some episodes have been naked before. I haven't. If you can go through the catalog and think you can figure out which ones I'm naked and which ones I'm not,

I will give you a $100 gift dollar gift the earlier episodes is where he's naked most often is the one we were all recording in the same room yeah we were in the same room is what he did yeah no it was a power move i just want to also say congratulations to all of us but mostly to will yes for your first rap album all the glory goesish posh. All the glory goes to Freddie and Max Waller for pulling that one together. Will Campos put together a... Yeah, exactly. We've finished the Rocks Rock EP,

which is, as referenced in the show, the first EP rap album that Henry Oak created. The first of many. The first of many. So people who are Patreon supporters already know about this this released for free to all of them because it was a patreon stretch goal uh if you're listening to this right now it's available for download on our website dungeonsanddaddies.com and if you stick

around after the episode you can hear a preview of the first track some choice beats i feel like if that's canonical like that's actually the album Henry made, like it really changes his character. Like that was no garage band bullshit. Like, like he did on the episode, like off the top of his dome. Like that was, that was some good ass rap.

So somebody said it well when they were like, Daryl said he liked the album and they're like, now it makes sense. Cause it's fucking legit. It's legit hard. It's legit good. Yeah, he wasn't just being nice. Yeah.

Well, thank you guys. Anyway, folks, stick around after the end of the episode to listen to the first track. What what? Last time we were all together, you got Lark and Sparrow from Walter the Immoral and dropped off Grant, played some Ninja, hung out. Lark and Sparrow from Walter the Immoral and dropped off Grant, played some ninja, hung out. And then you went to the city of Oakvale, or the village, I guess, of Oakvale to get Henry Oak's anchor. And once you got there, you split up. Ron and Henry are together. And the others are with Lark, Sparrow, and Payden, making sure that they don't follow after Henry. Henry found that there was a very large temple and a very large hatch set into the ground, kind of like lost, and that his anchor was in one of those two buildings.

As he got close, they got caught. The guards that were going to presumably like arrest you or attack you, they instead fell to one knee, kind of referred to you as royalty. And then Barry Oak came out of the temple and said, Hen, welcome home. And then also a lot of the people look like me, right? But they're not clones. They're not clones. Sorry. Sorry. Yes.

Also, this village of Oakvale is weirdly filled with a bunch of people that look very similar to Henry Oak, almost like they are relatives of his. Not like they're clones. I didn't describe that well. Not like clones, but more than the way all white people look the same. Somewhere in that zone. Like, yes, an embarrassment of Hemsworth's, which is, I believe, how Hemsworth's are referred to in that zone. Like, yes, an embarrassment of Hemsworth's, which is, I believe, how Hemsworth's are referred to in the plural.

Barry Oak has descended the stairs and has taken your hands into his, Henry, and he has said, you're home. I pull my hands back. What do you mean home? What are you talking about? Where am I? What is this place? This is Oakvale.

This is where you were born. This is where I raised you, and this is where you left me so long ago. And this is now, I think you'll agree, where you are going to return to finish what it was started. What? What? So Henry internally, because I'm not a great actor, so I'm going to explain it rather than acting. Dude, could you imagine if you could do this in movies or something? Hold on. Internally, this is how I feel. That's what's great about books, my friend. Books can be like, here's what was going on. So Henry is like, it's just a sheer terror kind of going through him

right now. He's just very overwhelmed. I stagger back. I'm just, what do you, what, what? And he looks around and it starts to slowly come back to him. He looks around and he sees these faces that all kind of look like him and it's all beginning to slide into focus. Oh my God. Oh my God. Father, what are you? He goes, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, through the mouth, in, through the mouth. And he goes, all will be revealed in time. Just shut up. Just shut up.

Just shut up. Just shut up. Just stop it. Stop it. Stop. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just, I need a second.

And then Henry just kind of flops his ass back onto the ground and then goes. Onto Ron. Does that mean you crush Ron? I fall backwards onto Ron and then you hear, like, okay, so yes, I just fall backwards. Is Ron still hiding behind me? Yes. Okay. So I'm just pitching backwards onto the ground, because essentially Henry starts hyperventilating, and he falls backwards.

Yeah, I think, okay, so Ron's lying flat like a crime scene chalk outline on the ground with his face in the mud, but, like, not super bothered. Are you still behind Henry? Yeah, I think we're cheek to cheek at this point. So I feel like you have to roll constitution to see if you can hold your breath for as long as this conversation is gonna last. Nice, don't let her roll stealth.

I got a 15. You managed to hold your breath for at least the first chunk of whatever this conversation ends up being. So Henry's just on the ground basically having a full-on panic attack. He's just like, what are you, what's just shut up, just shut up, just shut up. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Barry's going to be getting a lot of this right now. Right. So Barry immediately just starts doing yoga in front of you and he goes, your,

your mood is beginning to influence my mood. We can't have that. Can we, this needs to be a calm, welcoming environment. This is a safe space. you. Oh my God, shut up. Just shut up. Just shut, just stop. Oh my God. There he is, there's him. I just stand up and I start pacing around. I'm from here?

I'm from the, how is that possible? Well, I could tell it to you or I could show it to you. I fear that if I told you, you might not believe, he's still doing it. I told you, you might not believe me. I need some more strain in that voice. No, he's so bendy. It's like nothing to him.

He's like, both of his legs are behind his head and he's like just walking around on his hands and it doesn't sound like anything. But I suspect I'll have to explain it all to your friends as well. Where are they? Or have you finally realized that you're better off without them?

I'm not telling you anything. You want to show me something? Okay, so they're around. You can show me. No, they're not. I don't know where they are. They're back with the kids. You're never going to find them.

Roll deception. Okay. I got a 15. Ooh, actually, it's your dad. So I feel like he knows when you're lying to him. So go ahead and roll again. We'll say that's a disadvantage. Okay.

I got a 19. Oh, wow. Okay, great. Well done. It's been a while. So he narrows his eyes and he goes, hmm, mayhaps you have

learned something. Yes, father, mayhaps I have. Ugh. Mayhaps. Ugh. Just, y'all. Whatever you want to show me,

you can show me and me alone because I am by myself. Is Ron still, so Ron's still hiding, right? Yeah, I'm still hiding behind you. Okay. Okay.

Well, in that case, did you notice, I presume you did because you have my eyes, as it were, did you notice the hatch when you came into the village? Yes, I saw the hatch. Well, you have many questions, I'm sure, about your past, and those will all be answered if you head into the hatch. There are some catches involved with the hatch. A hatch catch, if you will.

Henry rolls psychic damage. I take three damage. God, you and your stupid puns. Oh, it's so cheesy. Oh, you loved it. He loved it. Did everybody love it? He like looks at you.

As you look around, you see that the entire town has sort of come to like watch you like they're watching a lovely show and they're all so happy. And he goes, that was a good joke, wasn't it? And everybody very politely claps for him. And go oh and he's oh thank you thank you no that's it's it was it was an easy one um but anyway yes so inside the hatch you can learn

everything about how our family came to be here in the forgotten realms and i think once you see the whole story you'll know that this is essentially where you belong and you must you should stay here with me with your family all of these all stay here with me, with your family, all of these. Everyone's around you. Say hello to your family, Hen. You're not, just show me the hatch. Canary, can you take us to the hatch? And one of the girls goes, absolutely! And she jumps to her feet.

She... You know when like people in like the 1950s would like make a fist and go like gee whiz and like punch the air kind of like she does that why certainly god a new voice i love it every time i love canary yeah canary is the best so canary i've already forgotten the voice uh canary goes follow me and she uh she leads you like walking way too jauntily almost like mickey in the old like steamboat willie cartoon it's like just her limbs are moving a little bit too much.

She's got a little bit too much bounce on her steps. Her lips have shot way like five inches out from her face as she's whistling. As you walk toward the hatch, Barry says, I will be here waiting for you once you realize what is to be done, of course. I shall see you in a moment, but the preparation has to be made for the feast.

There's going to be a play, a party. There's going to be so many enjoyable things. We've been waiting so long for you, my son. He like does the trail off thing with his voice. He doesn't need to. He's just walking away. I'm trying as hard as I can to tune him out right now. At this point, isn't, I mean, they're surrounded at this point. Have they not noticed Ron?

Oh, that's true. Yeah, Ron gave me another stealth check. Okay. But remember we, that in the previous episode, Beth said that Ron like covered himself with mud and muck and stuff. Yeah. And he's face down and he could just blend right into the ground. Yeah. Yeah.

It's good. He's John Ronbo now. A man of war. Says 14 plus eight is 20. I forgot how good you were at sneaking. They just look and they see a big hunk of mud on Henry's back. I feel like you're crawling like right behind him and they just like, you are just like,

well, no, cause I splattered in the mud. So like, I got my hands like around behind him and they just like you are just like in the mud. So like I got my hands like around his ankles and he's dragging. So he looks like pig pen. You just has this like fucking cloud of muck around him. Everyone thinks that Henry's walking really slow because he's freaking out and traumatized. And that's partially true.

But it's also because he's dragging Ron and trying to be cool about it. Should I roll again to see if I can talk to him a little bit? Yeah, if you want to. You'll have to roll another stealth. Okay, so 11 plus 8. That's a 19. You'll love to see it. Just through the vibrations transmitted through his ankles, through your hands.

Yeah, I feel like you're kissing his ankles. Hey, Henry, what do you think? Sorry, I just choked on a stick. Hey, Henry, what do you think we should do? I mean, you know, do I have to roll stealth to talk to Ron? Yes. Well, but you're like muttering to yourself, right? No, it's the difference between them thinking he's muttering to himself and them not hearing it at all.

I see. Actually, I'm going to do this as a performance because I'm trying to perform that I'm talking to myself. I'm trying to bluff it that I'm talking to myself i'm trying to bluff it that i'm talking to myself but i'm really talking there you go that's the slick rule that's the shit i want okay and i got a 13 that's not good enough so they definitely hear you just sort of murmuring whatever you're about to say to yourself canary hears this but do they think i'm murmuring it to myself yes they do all right i don't know ron this is is a lot of money right now. You said Ron. Oh, boy.

So Canary turns around and goes, who's Ron? Who's Ron? What are you? Who's? I don't know who Ron. I just got here. Go find Ron if you want to talk to Ron. I'm your pet rock.

Ron's my pet rock. I grab a rock on the ground, and I kind of hold it near his ankle. And then I pick it up, and I say, Ron's my pet rock, okay? This is my emotional support rock. He's my rock. You get inspiration. Canary goes, oh, I have an emotional support rock as well. That's so delightful.

And she takes a rock out of her fanny pack in front of her and it's like a rock and a sock or whatever. And she goes, I use it to repel people that I do not care for and I use it to comfort myself in long, lonely nights where I feel sad about the, you know, death and the end of all mortality. So can you tricks run that one by me one more time before I go into this creepy hatch? What was that?

Yes. So if somebody tries to hurt me, like if I'm, and nobody inside of Oakville hurt me ever, of course, for multiple reasons. But if I go out on the road to try to go to another town to sort of see the sights, I carry Bianca here with me to protect myself. And when I'm asleep and thinking about how when there's nothing for us after death, just black void and eternal nothingness, I hold on to the rock to keep me grounded.

Oh, you're just talking about just death and... Okay, that's the normal terrifying stuff. I thought this was... All right. That's right. Okay, I thought that was maybe like a clever into like a fantasy thing, but. Oh, no, no, no, not a fantasy thing.

Just a normal relatable thing. All right, well, it seems like a fun thing to remind people of in the middle of a podcast. I'm just a canary. It's good for you. You have an emotional support rock, like my emotional support rock, Ron. So Ron and I are going to keep walking.

And if you hear me talking to my friend, Ron, just know it's me talking to this rock, Ron. So Ron and I are going to keep walking. And if you hear me talking to my friend, Ron, just know it's me talking to this rock. Wonderful. Oh, that was a close one, Ron. That was really close. What are we going to do when we get to the hatch? Okay. I think when we get to the hatch, I mean, I've got to figure out what the frick is going on here. And I don't, I don't trust what's going on with regards to, you know, the other rocks. You know how there's those other rocks? Because I'm assuming that Canary is still leading us, right?

Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Those other rocks, I want to make sure that they're safe. So I want to keep them far away. You mean you're talking about the kids? You're talking about your boys? The baby rocks. Yes, the baby rocks.

That's what we're talking about i think we just got to go in here ron because i'm pretty scared to do this on my own and i think you know maybe we got to go in but what do you think you know i mean this is a two way street so you know i want to hit and then i hold i hold the rock up to my ear to pretend that i'm talking to the rock and like nodding along um yeah sure sure let's uh let's rock and roll buddy great i'm really glad it's you and me on this one, Ron. The last thing that happened was you learned that Barry Oak had created Oakvale and that therefore the boys are walking into a trap. So what do you do?

Glenn, this has got to be the Barry Oak. That'd be too much of a coincidence to go. We went here for his anchor.'s gotta be i agree it's a high percentage likelihood but let's just keep open the possibility that there could be multiple people named barry oak you see when paths diverge you need to be able to we gotta like barry wants larkin sparrow we gotta get larkin sparrow out of here rescue mission yeah that's right kids we're gonna do rescue mission we're gonna rescue you two from your horrible grandpa who's coming after you okay no no so here's what we're gonna do we're gonna carve these sticks because you you guys can defend a fort right we're gonna make the biggest baddest fort your grandpa's never gonna be able to get in there and when your dad comes

back we're not even gonna let him in it's gonna be so intimidating you can handle that think you make that big of a fort we're going to make a fort that would keep out an oak? I do not think so. Oaks are battering rams used for breaching fortresses. We do not build, we destroy. Hmm. Well, how about one of you makes a big fort and the other one builds a battery ram and then you see who wins. Yeah, you can use what's called an adversarial network. What happens is one person makes something, the other person tries to break it down, then that person realizes using the weaknesses of the thing they tried to break it down with can build a better one and that process continues until you have a fort that's unbreakable and can also fool

google image captures and whoever wins i'll teach you how to do this and daryl's got some sweet butterfly knife skills and he like spins the knife around that's a that's a dexterity roll it's not a butterfly knife so i'm curious as to how this is gonna go he just spins his knife around he got uh oh i was like what is this shape and it's the weird dungeon and dragon sign on the top of the dice which means it's a 20 plus one for dexterity so i do not only do i spin the knife i spin the knife and then i twirl it on my finger like a basketball and i flip it in midair and as it's flying i pull out an apple and take one chunk Not only do I spin the knife, I spin the knife and then I twirl it on my finger like a basketball and I flip it in midair.

And as it's flying, I pull out an apple and take one chunk out of it, take a good bite. And then I hold the apple out and the blade slips through the apple and splits into three even pieces. And I hand two pieces to each of them. And then I take a bite of the last piece. I go, you want to learn how to do that? So Peyton's mouth is watering. First of all.

Oh, shit. Sorry, Peyton. Here, you can have my apple piece. And I give him the rest of my piece. I already ate half of he goes thank you son and he's still reaching up to the knife it's like well if you help them out you'll be able to do that too lark and sparrow are like a gog their mouths are just open with the shot daryl's gonna steal my kids daryl's doing a way better job with your fucking kids Maybe that's the secret Everyone just needs to rotate one dad to the left

Yeah, this week on Dad Swap Do not Google Dad Swap She's not a Christian Larg and Sparrow immediately exchange glances And Sparrow's like, I will build the most impenetrable fortress And Larg is like, I will build the most penetrable Shit, what's the word Irow's like, I will build the most impenetrable fortress, and Lark is like, I will build the most penetrable... Shit, what's the word I'm looking for? I will build the most penetrable battering ram.

And they immediately start putting sticks together and just building shitty forts out of nothing, just fucking dirt and mucus. But they seem to be pretty focused on that, and Peyton's just sitting there being their hype man, being like, go, go, do it, do it. He's just hype man? Okay.

Peyton's like, I'm rooting for both of you. I don't even know why. All right. Hey, Glenn, what do you think? we i think this is gonna work for now i don't know i'm just wondering should we should we should we leave them i don't know if we should leave them unsupervised i mean i guess payton is my dad but like it's still paid in i don't think he can supervise them but like i think henry might need help i don't know this is a tough one i don't know how to handle this but like maybe tell them like we'll be back in a little bit and then keep it vague so that you. I don't know. This is a tough one. I don't know how to handle this, but like maybe tell them like we'll be back in a little bit and then keep it vague so that, you know,

they don't know what a little bit means. And that gives us a little bit of freedom to try and figure this out. And then if we don't show up, I guess they're going to come after us. Oh boy, this is a real pickle. How do you guys do it? No, no, no.

I'm not concerned about them thinking we're going to be gone. I'm more concerned about us leaving them here and them getting like, you know, attacked or something. Yeah, that's probably true. I mean. Hey, Peyton. Yeah, what's up, baby? It's weird when your dad calls you baby i don't like that yeah you were a baby and i'm your father

if anything it makes more sense now my little baby boy come here baby boy and he's got his arms out stretched he's just like walking towards you always like baby boy no no no there's daddy wants a hug daddy okay okay i give him i pick him up and i give him a hug yeah okay boy yes okay hey payton pats you on the head condescending yeah he does do you remember what my dad's name was uh his name is frank okay is there i like kind of staring at his eyes like can i see is there do you remember anything about? No, just the stuff that you told me generally. Okay, well, quick dad quiz then. What are you going to do if Lark and Sparrow here want to follow us?

I guess. Pop dad hot shot. I shoot the Lark. I guess I'll stop them. Okay, but. And make them not follow you. Hey, Glenn. Glenn, do you have have a whistle or anything?

Maybe we just need to give them some sort of way to call us if there's trouble. Oh, like an emergency whistle of some kind? I don't know, like an instrument? You'd probably want to get the guitar. That doesn't quite work. You could probably do it. I guess they could just scream. I take back every good thing I said about

Daryl's parenting. So your plan is that you leave three kids on their own and if something bad happens they scream just bring us with you man you know i got it i got it i got it i got we can trust payton more or less right no no we can't i put his i put my head here here's the problem so like podcast matt is like we shouldn't split up the group more but dad daryl's like, definitely Glenn should stay here with the kids. And Daryl should go check to see because we should not get these kids anywhere near. This is like the chicken in the bag of rice

and the wolf across the river. Oh, I just know if I go and I find Henry and then we can't find his kids, he'll be like, why did you leave the kids? But I know if I bring them and Barry sees them, he's going to eat their souls or whatever it is. I think one of us needs to stay with the kids. Okay. know if I bring them and Barry sees them, he's going to eat their souls or whatever it is. I think one of us needs to stay with the kids.

Okay. Peyton is like, I have an idea. What's up, Peyton? You told me that when you first met them, they were disguised as one person

standing on top of each other's shoulders. What if you roll in hard three creepy adults and also me and we go to town on these homies? That's true.

Wait, this is such a good payden and for a second like a little tears in his eye because it's like it's kind of an idea like his dad he's like he's like that's pretty damn smart frank i mean paid in this yeah no that's true i think we gotta take the risk you know we got him out of trouble the first time okay yeah that's a great idea no we're not leaving them out of our sight you know you're right you're right three kids are gonna be a giant no trench coat they've already proven that they can deceive adults as two kids in a trench coat yeah therefore we put larkin sparrow as a trench coat person and then payton is just along for the ride because he can handle himself payton can you do a

walter voice can i do what yeah let me try okay this is what i sound like when i'm bored holy shit are you how what what we're three levels deep holy shit payton payton i think if you can hop like a frog we could maybe like uh i know this can get a little grim but maybe we can like carve all these fish up and put some fish scales on your face. Daryl, it's fine. Daryl, it's fine. It's fine. Are you sure? We don't need to worry about that. The fish can speak English around here.

I think they would be really – You're right. You're right. That's a little cruel. Okay. We'll just put some mud on your face and whatnot. We'll put some twigs on. You'll just pretend to be –

I can just be me. What is the – what are you trying to accomplish? Why is it even less weird if you have a dirty boy? I want you to be a frog person. Why? Daryl, no. I'm going to have to put my foot down. This is weird.

I'm your father and I'm your feet. He's your father. This is your dad, man. You can't make your dad a fish person. Fair enough. Fair enough. Maybe I'm overthinking this. It's the first time I've been accused of that, but I could see that being the case here.

Okay, that's fine. Hey, Larkin Sparrow, how's the Fort of Barry where I'm going? When you turn back, they're already just like immediately just stabbing each other with sticks. Like, it goes, it seems that my building aptitude is not what I thought it was, says Sparrow. And Lark says, samesies, hard samesies. Putting two sticks together was a waste of time when I have, when one is all I need. Well, speaking of putting two sticks together, kids, you remember when you guys were the Lord of Chaos?

What are you, a cop? What cop? Well, no. Hell no. Glenn, have you ever met Glenn? Glenn is the least cop guy you've ever met let's say we do remember that i think that you guys need to go incognito into this village that we're about to go into and i think that those skills that you may or may not have could come in handy what i'm saying is you gotta get on each other's shoulders and that's the only way we'll let you follow us oh i see yeah you want me an adult again you guys want to turn

into a big old adult the two of you together lark you know what this calls for sparrow i do stealth one jumps on the other shoulder in a like it's so quick and so beautiful it's like just frames of animation it's like an anime transition and they produce a cloak and whip it over themselves and instantly you can't see into the cloak it's just this dark figure and it's like a six foot tall looking dude and uh they managed to move with convincing adult uh moroseness which one's on top uh love wolf or violent one lark is up top violent one violent one i go whoa you guys like hi nice to meet you old man never never seen you before my My name's Daryl Wilson.

What's your name? I put my hand out. The Lord of Chaos simply bows. I cannot believe the Lord of Chaos is back. This is fucking wild. It bows, but at a perfect 90-degree angle, because it's just Sparrow holding onto Lark's ankles. And Lark is leaning forward like Michael Jackson in Smooth Criminal,

and then he just, like... Oh, no. So good. Yes. Okay, so lark sparrow yes now that was a test don't respond to lark and sparrow lord of chaos oh okay sure do you want another name other than lord of chaos just in case like that name's been burned do we want another name other than the coolest name there is you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right that's fair you're right okay glenn he could be like your like leading guitar man or something. Oh yeah. He's like the mysterious bassist.

Yeah. There you go. And we're like a crew. Doesn't say much because he plays bass. I'm the drummer. Okay. I guess we'll be a band. Yeah.

I guess I'm lead singer in guitar. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Payton. What? Slow your roll, my man. Payton's your manager. I'll be your manager. I'll make sure all the candy's the right color.

We'll make it work. We'll make it happen. I'll get you deals. Yeah, sure. Let's go for it, man. Yeah, we're going to go for it really quick. Okay, now I am talking to Larkin Sparrow, and I open up the coat so I can look at them both in the eye. They go, yes.

Yes. Now look, you know, it's good to be rowdy sometimes, but you know your dad could very well be in trouble. You remember what happened last time with your grandpa, right? Yes, it was boring as heck. Yeah, you don't want that, right? Okay, so it wasn't traumatizing. It was just boring. So to you guys, it was just boring.

Yeah, pretty much. But you hate being bored, right? Well, we despise it. You know this. Okay, if you get caught. It's going to be even more boring. You're going to be so bored. More boring than this conversation?

Ooh, burn. Slap, and they high five each other. Okay, well, I think you guys got it. I closed the cloak. Hey, should we arm the Lord of Chaos, or do you think he's good unarmed? Off in the hatch, Henry just got to chill down his spine.

How about you give them your guitar, Glenn? Ooh, better idea. Why don't you give us Glenn's gun? No, I'm going to hang on to the fire. Glenn, you don't even on to the We actually lost that. Glenn, you don't even have it anymore. You lost that. Roll deception just, Daryl. That is

a nine. So he still has the gun. Yeah, he has the gun, but you guys are kids and you're not going to have a goddamn gun. Give him the stick. Don't give him the stick. It's stick or gun, my man. We will not go away. We are going in strapped with wood or iron. You both did a good job of carving your stick.

You can share. No, they can both have a stick. Keep one stick inside the cloak and here's your other stick. You both get a stick. If we break these into two pieces, then we will both have two sticks and we'll look like Goro from the YouTube videos of Mortal Kombat. Sure, whatever that is.

You hear the sound of two pieces of wood being snapped huh okay i guess we start heading in town right are you doing so stealthily or are you walking in to be noticed stealthily i think hey glenn you want i mean we're i don't think we're gonna be able to hide ourselves or i guess i see what you're saying i guess you want to just like check the perimeter and see if we can see what's going on first you don't have to just like yeah we're sneaking up we're trying to sneak up we're seeing you have to get a lay of the land and yeah like if there's any hills we're gonna approach stealthily to kind of get a sense of any openings you know like like the beginning of any good stealth video game you start out stealthy it never ends that way but you have

good intentions at the beginning go ahead and give me a stealth roll yeah how good's your stealth matt my stealth is really good wait that doesn't make sense oh oh i got i was plus one i thought i rolled a natty one i got a seven plus one that's eight okay that was a journey on that dice roll i thought it was a one plus seven i was like i don't have plus seven stealth uh 15 plus 4 19 okay so they don't see glenn but they do see Daryl. So what happens is the two of you head up to the ridge, and you can see that in the center of the village... Ooh, actually, also both roll Arcana for me. I didn't even bother having the other two do it

because they have a disadvantage. 5 plus 2, 7. 10 plus 0, 10. Okay, so neither of you notice anything different other than the implication of me asking you to roll Arc comment uh but weird glenn did you just feel essentially good to think about something magical yeah just like the symbol that prince adopted for his like sort of moniker just kind of flash in my head but it could just be i've had like you know wannabe or lover stuck in my head for the last 20 minutes that's a good song so what happens is as you're talking about prince

the group of oak children i guess guess, or Oak family members, because they're of all shapes and sizes and ages, they immediately notice Daryl. And you see about 20 very Henry-esque faces sort of turn to you in unison, and their eyes lock with you. And then they all get big, genuine smiles, and they start waving at you. And they say, hello, hello, come in. welcome to oakvale we're just about to have a

big banquet to honor the return of our prodigal son oh well howdy i'm daryl and uh this is uh glad we we're just wandering by we're looking for a nice place this sounds like a party we're this is glenn we're just like no glenn yeah you've explicitly said that your names are the names of the dads that barry is looking for and has been tracking this entire time fucking idiot once you say that they go daryl and glenn we've heard so much about you oh i think you misunderstood i think you know no no we're the band daryl and glenn yeah daryl and glenn like uh there's some other bands like Hall and Oates. We're Daryl and Glenn.

Yeah. Rolled Persuasion with Disadvantage. Persuasion with Disadvantage, sir? I know I probably still walked into the wrong forest. I know. I don't know if I should choose between the 24 or the 23. Jesus. God damn it.

Okay, so they go, oh, oh, a band for the banquet. What a delight. You could play music while we quaff and fill our bellies of love and food. Why don't you come in and have a seat? We have a kid here. We're going to need to see a rate card before we commit to that, but we can talk. Peyton walks up behind you and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't do anything pro bono.

We're going to have half now, half later, 2,000 gold minimum, or we walk. Yes, I agree with that. The Lord of Chaos also comes in behind you and they go who are these two who's the small one and the very large one tell us all about this one's our manager this is uh duke duke ellington our manager duke ellington our manager nice to meet you and he starts running around just shaking hands like really shittily just like just grab him shakes and put it down grab him shake and put it down this is our basis he doesn't talk much the lord of chaos the lord of chaos bends over ever so slightly and they say oh well that is absolutely delightful do you want to have

something to eat we're still cooking a lot of it we have some carrots and we have some kale chips and we have some some seaweed snacks some delightful seaweed snacks there's all kinds of things just sit down avail yourselves of some food. So Glenn Clock said they all look a little bit like Henry and is kind of starting to put some things together, rubbing some brain cells and getting some sparse. Hey, are you all like related or something? What's your deal?

You all seem like real friendly with each other. Yeah, is this like a family reunion? Yeah, what's going on? They all in unison burst into laughter and then all in unison stop laughing around the same time with the same like, ah, ah, ah, ah, that same like normal, you know, thing. The one who's talking to you, who looks very much like a older feminine version of Henry, says, yes, we are all family. We're all the re-oaks. We are all of the oak, oak veil.

My name is. Anthony, I have a question. Yes? Okay, if they're all related in this town, are they just all into incest? How is this happening? They're not incestuous. Hi, folks.

This is us taking a pause from the podcast to let you know this isn't an incest thing. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the episode. So the older lady says, my name is Gator-y Oak. And we're all family. We've all come from the great Barry-y Oak. And we live here in perfect peace and other harmony. Oh, man.

I think this is the commune that Henry said he was from. Oh, man. These are a bunch of hippies. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they look commune that Henry said he was from. Wait. Oh, man. These are a bunch of hippies. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they look a lot like Henry, that's for sure. All right. Okay, well. I just got to adjust my mentality.

You know, we kind of got to do that. We do tour the whole country, after all, and there are certain pockets of the country that I'm just going to adjust sort of my mentality a little bit. Like, oh, far out, man. Guys, what are you cooking up? Oh, just all kinds. Oh, you already said loving. Yeah. I'm kind of gluten-free, though. Oh oh yeah no no gluten to be found my good friend all right great and uh we're all celiac i forgot i'm not i'm not actually i forgot to introduce myself

frank of daryl and glenn uh nice to meet you any chance we could see a man of the hour uh you guys are celebrating somebody a guy oh you wish to see the the prodigal son you wish to see hen oh it sounds like a fun thing it sounds like that's what you guys are up to also my name is bone saw okay frank bone saw lord of chaos and duke ellington are here and we'd love to meet henry of daryl and glenn daryl and glenn and we love it's like leonard skinner or pink floyd like you know it's a, but it's not the name of anyone in the band. Hootie and the Blowfish. It's like Kiss. And you're like,

oh, that seems like a nice band. And then you see them. You're like, oh, this isn't a nice band at all. And also you said Barry's here. Yes, Barry Oak is here. He's the one who made this land for us. And he's the one who

keeps it peaceful and safe and really, really cool. So, yeah, if you would like to go see Henry Oak, the prodigal son, I don't know if I told you his name was Henry, but I'm pretty sure you're just really intuitive. I could get that feeling about you. We're all very empathic here.

Oh, yeah. But yeah, he just went down that way toward the hatch. And as they point, you can see Henry and a weird clod of mud at his feet slowly ambling toward the hatch. We haven't even gotten in the hatch yet. We haven't gotten in the hatch yet. I'm presuming that this is all happening

like quasi simultaneously. Okay, okay, okay. You see Henry like holding a rock and like pointing at it. Yeah. Glenn, it's Henry. What should we do?

I think we just go along with this. We strike when the moment is opportune. I feel like we look and then like the camera takes the safety off his gun.

The Lord of Chaos starts like vibrating. Okay, so let's cut back to Henry and Ron. Let's cut 20 feet over to Henry and Ron. Okay, so Henry is all eyes on this hatch. This hatch is his entire world right now. His whole mentality is just rocked. I'm just going straight towards the hatch.

So Canary holds out a hand and goes, Here's the thing. It is very, very dangerous in there and if you go in you will die you will immediately age about a hundred years or so and then you'll die so there's some other questions we have to take okay i feel like that all right um well you just kept walking towards it i was going to explain it to you like when we were in front of the hatch i was going to be like before you is the we were in front of the hatch. I was going to be like, before you is the hatch. Here are the rules. But you're a go-getter.

I like that. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to die if I go in there, is what you said. If your body goes in there, you see. Okay, so here's the thing.

Inside this hatch, this has all been told to me by Barry Oak. From his lips to my ears to my lips to your ears, inside this is the answer to where all of us came from. It carries with it

a time long gone, a bygone era. So if we go into this space with our bodies, our bodies will age and decay very quickly. Oh, so we have to astrally project our minds in there is what you're saying. Essentially, yes. But you have to astrally project them into sort of homunculi. Oh, so it's a, okay, so we're going to put our spirits into totems or something and go in there? Kind of. So she starts digging into the ground and just getting big clods of mud.

And she goes, so the thing about the world on the other side of this hatch is that it has a lot of different physical rules than the world that we're in. as sort of a Dungeons & Dragons 5.0. Everything on the other end of that hatch is sort of Dungeons & Dragons 1.0, like original D&D mechanics, so to speak. So what I'm going to do is you're going to tell me what kind of character you'd like to build in the 1.0 system. Are you fucking kidding me?

I will make it out of mud. What? You'll put your soul inside of it, and then that character will go in, and you can explore to your heart's content without worrying about dying because things were very lethal back in the old days okay this is a lot i'm gonna canary i this just it's been a it's been a big 10 minutes for me so i'm gonna sit down is that oh oh my what so henry looks up and he sees Daryl. Daryl's waving. Yeah. Hi, Daryl. Oh, geez.

And Glenn. Oh, gee. Is that who I think it is in the room? Our bassist, Lord of Chaos. And I wink at him. The Lord of Chaos immediately, like two hands come up from the sides of the cloak and they're just doing devil horns. Excuse me, Canary.

These are my friends. I guess they're. The band. We're the band. The band is called Daryl and Glenn. That's us, the band. And I'm Frank. And I'm Bonesaw.

And we heard everything she said, so you don't have to explain it to us again. We overheard it. She was talking very loudly. Would you like to go in as well? Oh, you're the bard? Are you bards? Yes.

You could sing a lovely song about Henry and all the wonderful things that he's done in his whole life if you went in with him. It's up to you, though. You don't have to go in. Are you paying us? No, not at all. life if you went in with him. It's up to you, though. You don't have to go in. Are you paying us? No, not at all. There is no payment in Oakvale.

We support one another with kindness and love. That is the currency of Oakvale, is food, companionship, shelter, the basic necessities of life. Yeah, but what about money, though? What about it? Are you against the idea of money? Yeah.

But why? Do you like doing things you don't like idea of money? Yeah. But why? You like the idea of money? Do you like doing things you don't like to do just to get a currency that some other entity is determined should run your life? That seems a little bit slave-ish. No, but like the decision of how much money is worth is decided upon by a group of people. Oh, who's this? I'm in the band too.

Whoa, your pet rock has turned into a man You don't even need a homunculus You can just go in as you are I think Ron should probably make a homunculus Hey guys, I'm actually really glad to see you It's been crazy This is like, I'm from here, I think This is my home

It's all kind of coming back to me But they said there's a lot of answers on the other side of this hatch And I gotta go in It sounds really dangerous, though. So I, you know, oh, geez. Oh, boy. Oh, man. This is a big one.

This is a lot. I put my hand on his shoulder. I go, so, Henry, is the GP around? What's the grand of us? My dad? Grandpa. Oh, is that just like an open thing? Yeah.

This is his town, man. Like, this is my dad. I think he's like an open thing yeah he this is his town man like this is my dad i think he's like the mayor here or something like that it's all slowly coming back to me there are answers on the other side of this thing and i i have to see it through well hold on if you're remembering stuff now then why don't we just wait here i mean like everybody seems really nice and and helpful and there's no money to worry about. And, you know, as a businessman, I love money, but I don't like counting it. You know what I mean? So if we're safe here, then why don't we just wait for your memory to sort of memorize?

I feel like I got I just I need to know because I need to know. And if you look, if you want to stay on the outside, I totally get that because this is crazy. This is too much. I need I need to see this through wherever you need to go henry we're gonna go just only question is uh what do you want to do with the with the kiddos over there so does nobody know that they're the that they're the i don't think so by the way i i fed them only vegetables and they did carve some sticks but like they're pretty they're pretty chill they got a little out of control but like they're okay i got their exercise in thanks man i appreciate that hey thanks for keeping an eye on them, man. It's a dangerous world out here. As you say this, you turn and see

that the Lord of Chaos produces one hand with a sharpened stick in it, and then another hand with a sharpened stick in it, and then another hand with a sharpened stick in it, and then another hand with a sharpened stick in it, and I wave them down. It'd be a shame if this got real boring. Am I right, Henry? All the hands go right back inside the cloak. That's a good one. I'm going to have to use that one. Wow.

I can't believe I never thought of it. Hey, good job, Daryl. Oh, thanks. Canary, so you're saying we're going to create little mud versions of ourselves and go into this other plane of existence. What happens to our bodies? Are we just taking a nap on this side? That's right. You'll do a little snoozy.

That makes me a little nervous. You won't do anything to us? What do you mean do anything to you? I don't know. We'll take you into a bed because your That makes me a little nervous. You won't do anything to us? What do you mean do anything to you? I don't know. I just, you know, the, okay. We'll take you into a bed because your back might hurt a whole lot when you get back up. So we'll probably take you into the village and like get you on a nice, nice little comfy down mattress. Oh, that's nice. You know, like putting our hands in warm water or like killing us. We couldn't kill you if you wanted to.

Oh, that's good to know. Why couldn't you kill us even if you wanted to? Real quick. Go ahead and kill me. Try to kill me. Are you sure? Go for it. Go for it kill me. Try to kill me. Are you sure? Go for it. Go for it.

Okay. I take out. I feel like Peyton takes this opportunity to. Peyton's like jumping up and down. He's bouncing up and down. Let me do it. Let me do it. It's consensual.

It's consensual. I like Henry like pulls out a knife. I don't. No. You know what? I'm sure it must be some magic. What are you like come right back to life or something like that it's no big deal here watch give me the knife go ahead okay i gave her the knife so she takes the knife and she goes i'm gonna stab myself watch

out everybody and she brings the knife down and it like she tries to like drive it into her stomach but before it even connects with the skin her arms just seize up and she goes it's like she can't physically bring herself to do it she's like and then she goes see you can't actually follow through on any violence uh within the center of the village now in the hatch you definitely can't because that's sort of a separate zone i grab the knife and i try to stab into my thigh same thing happens the second thing you're the knife is about to breach your skin and you can't physically or psychically make yourself do it this makes the fact that daryl did this cool knife trick less impressive now. Yeah, he couldn't have possibly cut himself.

I tossed the knife to Payton. I'm like, all right, but you can have the knife while we're here. And he grabs it, jumps on top of Canary, and just like raises it up and just keeps bringing it down over and over and it keeps doing nothing. She's not reacting at all.

And she's like, he is a delight. This one's a delight. He's like, this is so good. This is all the fun of the mess. Okay, Canary, we need to do a band huddle here uh so if you could just give us like a quick second as much time as you need okay hey guys and i bring lark and sparrow into the huddle too hey how you doing with all this henry we have to sit like man i'm i'm trying to keep it together right now and this is just i can get a

lot of curveballs thrown at me today and i just yeah so here's my primary concern okay we go to sleep we go into the other side of this world. Who knows what kind of crazy situation we're going to wake up in, right? Like the, that seems kind of rowdy to me. And especially like, I'm nervous about the kids having to like go to sleep too. Because I know that Barry wants the kid, but they want to raise our kids, right? Barry doesn't want to hurt them. He wants to raise them.

That's what they said. They wanted to steal our kids. Yeah. They wanted to hurt them. They would have hurt them when they had them. Yeah. I don't think they're gonna i don't think you know there's a chance that maybe he'll take them but you know if he takes your kids or whatever we'll

get them back all right if this is what you gotta do then we gotta do this and okay you know i'm less concerned about what they're gonna do to us and you know just making sure that you're okay and ready to you know face whatever's gonna be in there how do we know that we can't just go into the hatch how do we know that she's telling the truth about aging everybody up lark says if you want to test i could run in and then very quickly run out and see if i'm suddenly 18 and have the ability to smoke and drink and vote and fire a gun uh actually you know what ron you could just throw like some of your bats or something in there and see what comes back you know that's true do you want to test it out with a bat r Ron? Yeah, I'll send a frog in because I think that's, no offense to your father, Peyton,

but I think it's my least favorite animal that I have here. Holy bugs aren't frogs. They look similar. That's all it is. Oh, yeah. I fucking hate frogs. All right. So I pull up the hat of vermin.

I say, hat of vermin, one frog, please. A frog sploots out right onto your head. I don't like sploots. Canary grabs a big ol' wheel on the front of the hatch and cranks it counterclockwise and like with all of her strength like lurches it open and a puff of ancient

dusty smelling foul air comes out of the hatch and it's pretty dark in there but you can see a staircase headed down. Henry Cass speak with animals and speaks to the frog. And I say, hi, Mr. Frog, Mr. Ormissa. I don't want to frog. Yes. So, uh, Hey, I, we need you to go down this hatch and just, you know, come back real quick. Okay. Yes. This is my frog voice. Yes. Do you want me to go down and just come back? Yeah. Just real quick, just dip on in and then run back out after we... Henry, or Hen, rather.

Guys, did you know his name's Hen? Just call me Hen. No, my name is Henry. He's like a chicken. Hen, Hen. My name is Hen, Ron. Okay. My name is Henry.

My name is Henry. All right, Henry, I'm sorry. It's okay. name is Henry. My name is Henry. All right, Henry, I'm sorry. Will you tell the frog that if he sees the button, it's 4, 8, 15, 16,

23, 42? 42, I think. Are you just going out off the top of your dome? Yeah. Yeah, and then just click enter or whatever. Okay. 42, I think. Are you just going out off the top of your dome? Yeah. Yeah, and then just click enter or whatever. Okay.

Hey, I tell that to the frog because Henry did not see the show lost. So if you see anything for numbers, you know, those are the numbers. But just run on in and run back out, okay? All right, here I go. And he jumps on the first stair, jumps down onto it. The second its little paws, or paws, flippers,

touch the first step. Frog paws. Immediately, a gray beard begins to form on its mouth, and wrinkles begin to form across the frog's back, and it goes, whoa, yo, and it jumps back out, and the beard is way super long, and in the instant that it was there, it seems to have aged at least 50 years.

Wouldn't it leap out of existence? Frogs live about 10 to 12 years. That's amazing. Non-Fayrun and Fayrun, they grow beards. Yeah, they grow beards. That's true, they also don't grow beards. Henry turns to Rye and says, Ron, I think they're telling the truth about the hatch.

Hey, Henry, let me sidebar you for a second over here. Yeah, what's up, Glenn? Yeah, it's just, um, mm, um, just sort of looking at this situation. Uh-huh. Losing consciousness, going to sleep. This just seems like a really dumb idea. Just saying. That's a really dumb idea.

And I'm not doing it. I don't let no dentist put me down. I still got all four of my wisdom teeth, even though they said it was going to be a real problem. And it turns out, by the way, that it wasn't a problem. And maybe all of dentistry is a scam. I'm still working on that one. I don't know, Glenn. You know, God, do i have my wisdom teeth i guess i must i i didn't you know i never thought about it but yeah i i have all my wisdom teeth too and now

i'm like that may be oh my god you know i have a lot of gum problems man i gotta focus i gotta focus i gotta focus look i get it i'm not comfortable with this either man but this is kind of like my whole this is like my whole existential, I got to know what's in there, dude. So, oh, geez, though, you raise a really good point. Like, you know, I remember hearing that you're never supposed to go with a hippie to a second location. And I also feel like that probably involves like, you know, going to sleep in a commune

that you haven't spent the night in before. So Ron's got his like four of his fingers in his mouth. Like, I don't know if people, if you're wise, do you have wisdom teeth? And if you're not wise, does that mean you got them out and you're a dentist already? Right now, Henry has disadvantage on wisdom teeth. Okay, Glenn raises a really good point. Do we want to leave all of us unconscious here? Because here's what I'm thinking.

Who knows what's in that place, too? How well can we trust these people? there might be some crazy stuff in there i don't want to go in there alone that's really scary you might be trapping your soul hey glenn while i'm out uh you have my consent to to see if i have wisdom teeth still okay yeah i'll check on that and if i still have my wisdom teeth like can i have my wisdom back that i lost when i looked at the poopy i thought you were gonna say and if you do have wisdom teeth you're gonna let glenn remove them while you're out no this is directed more to anthony because wouldn't it be funny if like we rolled something and then I had wisdom teeth so I was really smart yeah that is

funny okay all right we'll do that that's how wisdom teeth work yeah because otherwise you're gonna have to wait until you get all the way to York to fucking swankery hill to get your shit back yeah okay it's fine okay cool it's stupid I'll give a coin flip as to whether or not them teeth are still in there okay but like we can't do it now because

I'm still that's the juicy cliffhanger that we're gonna leave this episode because I'm still waiting. That's the juicy cliffhanger that we're going to leave this episode on. Whether Ron still has his wisdom teeth. Daryl walks over Canary and she's like, hey, so just real quick, like it's like we don't actually go in there, right? So like if we die in there, we don't actually die, correct? No, no, no, no. Only a homunculus goes in that you can remotely control by putting your consciousness into it momentarily. If you die down there in the homunculus, your body just gets your consciousness back. That said, your consciousness, once it goes

into one of my homunculi, once it's died, it can't go back into a homunculi. It just develops an antidote to being back in my little mud men. So you only get one shot. It's a refractory period, if you will. Henry, this might be your only shot, man. I think at the very least we can't go in half cocked. You know what I mean? Like we got to, we gotta i'm there for you like we do this like it's a risk to leave you know maybe we leave somebody here but like i'm there for you man if this is what you want to do okay no i'm full cocked i'm going in okay well you guys can go in i'll stay behind and guard the bodies um call us bodies that makes it feel like you've already given up on us glenn like you're gonna guard us the unconscious people yes all right glenn yes there could be some stuff

in there that i don't know if my beautiful boys are ready to see because i don't i'm still trying to piece together what all happened you know and you know i want to have as strong a team in there as possible so i'm gonna go against my better judgment here and say that i'm i'm i can it's really hard for me to say this right now. So just give me a second. OK. All right. Glenn.

Yes. You're in charge of my sons. Oh, all right. Give a little light thumbs up. That was not reassuring at all to Henry. I look at Henry. I say, hey, Henry, when I was there with Glenn, I got to tell you, Glenn straight up did a great job.

I like to look over at Glenn. I'm giving him a wink. It's like you got nothing to worry about. I didn't even have to parent at all it was all glenn man all right i'm gonna roll i'm gonna roll to see if i saw the wink what would that be that'd be perception and then that's perception's wisdom right yes i got a uh 15 well with 15 you actually see the wink okay why are you winking though daryl it feels like if that was a true statement you wouldn't need to wink to Glenn about it. You know what?

I can't. I put my hand on Henry's shoulder and look him dead in the eye and I say, Henry, don't worry about up here. They won't know I'm here. I'll be able to conduct some reconnaissance for when you guys come back and I will make sure to take care

of your kids, Spark and Arrow. Much better names. Much better names. We're getting our tattoos changed. One promise is pretty good, but what's even better than one promise is multiple promises. Glenn, do you promise on your word as a dad

that you will take care of my children and watch after them as if I don't want to say your own because frankly, I mean, not to judge, but will you do a good job looking after them? Yes. Okay, I mean, not to judge, but you do a good job looking after them. Yes. Okay. I have your word.

Canary. And I turn to Canary. Hello. You seem like a really nice person. And you seem like someone that if you give your word, your word is bond. Do I sense that that's true? Is that true? Oh, of course.

Of course. Of course. Of course. Of course. She does a pirouette. You give me your word that nothing bad will happen to anyone in this room while they're unconscious and that nothing bad will happen to my friends Roadman and Spark, I mean, the Lord of Chaos. It's a lot of names you threw at me, but no, of course, of course, I will be as fantastic

a host as Bahri Oak himself is. You have nothing to fear. Can I roll to think if I think she's lying? Yeah. Roll insight. I got a 19. I don't know what my bonus is. With a 19, which is a pretty good roll, you can tell that as far as she knows, by her definition of what is good or bad, nothing bad will happen. Hmm, seems like a shaky technicality, but... But in that moment, Daryl's like,

I mean, she seems truthful. The only question I have is, what do we do about the P-Man? Well, so... Get it? Because it works both ways. You see what I did there. What? The P-Man. The P-Man the P-Man? Well, so. Get it? Because it works both ways. You see what I did there. What?

The P-Man. What? The P-Man. P-Man. P-Man. Peyton. P-Man. P-Man.

The P-Man. Oh, P as in Peyton. Why does it work both ways? And also P as in urine. Peyton's coming in with us. I feel like this is a good way for Peyton to get out some fighting and aggression without being in physical harm. This is great because, you know, this is kind of video games do that in our world.

I think, you know know maybe Peyton would be a really good gamer. I feel like if Peyton was in our world he'd be a gamer. That's what I think. But a really nice gamer who didn't do

the bad gamer stuff. I really care about ethics and gaming journalism. That's canonically the kind of person I am. If Peyton was in the real world he would think

you are a cook. Peyton was in the real world, he would think you are a cult. Peyton, you know, in our world, we have, you guys have unfortunate foster children. We have these brothers that are super, and guess what they do? They smash stuff. And that's, you know, that could be like something that you're a part of anyway. Sounds like your son. Sounds like you just described Larkin Sparrow. Yeah, it does.

That's true. They are super Smash Brothers. I love my, oh boy. All right, which brings me to the last word. We've got two pretty shaky words from Glenn and Canary, both of whom seem semi-reliable. Lark, I mean, Lord of Chaos, may I have a moment's parlay with you?

The Lord of Chaos speaking. I hate it when you guys do that. Okay, all that. Okay. All right. Boys. Yes? I have to go into this mystery hatch. While I'm down there,

Glenn is in charge. Do I have your word that you will do what Glenn says? Your word upon your brother's life that you will listen to Glenn and that you will do what he says. As long as it doesn't sound too stupid, because it's Glenn.

You would use our love for each other against one another to get what you wish? That is brilliant, father. Yes, I, Lord of Chaos Part 1, agree to do that thing. And I, Lord of Chaos Part 2, also agree to do that thing. All right, guys, that's four words

that are all kind of shaky. But what I'm hoping here is to all add up to like one pretty good word that nothing bad is going to happen. So given all of that, it's time to go in. So as you resolve amongst yourselves that you're going to go down into this hatch, Canary's turned away from you fiddling with something. And when she turns back around, she's holding a rock and a chisel. And you can see that the rock is like an isodeca... It's got 20 sides on it. An icosahedron. An icosahedron, Anthony?

Yes, it's an icosahedron. It's one of those, you fucker. Fucking nerd. All right, guys, it's time. And she throws it at you to roll your characters. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is MC Henry Professor Oak. Remember, we got a track from the Rocks Rock EP right after this.

Beth May plays Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong plays Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. A quick shout out to all of our fine Patreon supporters, but especially folks like Austin Has a Beard. That's one word. Logan Duquette. Beth Thatcher.

John Stampler. Related? Who knows? Patrick Estberg. Justin Valentin. Brett S. Jones. Luke Downey. Francis Marie Glorioso.

Dylan Adams. Alex Robert. Bo Elkers Alex Robert Boe, Elkers I think it's Elkers, something like that Benjamin D. Horning, James Gillespie and Sean Chappell, thank you all so much for supporting, by the way the Rocks Rock EP, the rap album we referenced as a joke in

an episode, we made it into a reality, it's out and by all accounts it's actually pretty good you can judge the level of quality we're talking about for yourself here in just a second two ways you can get this album one it's available on our store as a digital download at dungeonsanddaddies.com or you can become a patreon member and every level from five bucks a month on gets the album as well as all of our stretch goal content our after show our bonus our bonus content, our Discord, live listens.

There's just so much stuff that you get on top of that. Listen, the choice is yours. I'm just saying two ways you can get it. Dungeonsanddaddies.com or become a Patreon member. Follow us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads. Our subreddit is reddit.com slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies. Our next episode's coming at you August 18th, so we will see you then.

There was a time when you could read between the lines, you know they never brought you down. Never brought you down. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the San Dimas Museum of Natural History. SDMNH represents! My name's Henry Oak, and I'll be your guide today to the wonderful world of G to the E to the Ology.

Now I know what you're thinking. Geology? Who wants to learn about boring old rocks? Well, did you know that rocks are actually super cool and interesting? Let me tell you all about it. From the pebbles on the beach to the cobbles in the streets, every stone that you can see will teach you rocks, rocks. And if you want to learn the history of Earth

from the present to our birth, you've got to study rocks. And if you're a great geologist, you'll learn where hidden knowledge is and get into good colleges because rocks. And if you want to see the planet, then you've got to understand it. Know your geos from your granite now let's talk rocks who can tell me what a rock is no one come on now take a shot kids look it up in the dictionary and you'll find the definitions vary noun any natural material hard or soft with a distinctive mineral composition now here's a question what is a mineral glad you asked it's a chemical

compound not a liquid or gas but a solid structure at room temperature that occurs in nature, like Arsenio, Ciderite, or Allophan, or Amethyst, or Anathase, or Andelorite. Now that you're hip to the basics, Professor Oak is gonna put you through the paces. Pokemon reference, oh that reminds me, there's a Pokestop at the gift shop behind me, so don't forget to get yourself a Geodude when you stop in to get yourself a Geodude. Anyone? Cause it's a reference to the video game Pokemon.

Oh, here comes the chorus. From the pebbles on the beach to the cobbles in the streets, every stone that you can see will teach you rocks, rocks. And if you want to learn the history of Earth from the present to our birth, you've got to study rocks. And if you're a great geologist, you'll learn we're hidden knowledges and get into good colleges because rocks. And if you want to see the planet, then you've got to understand and know your geodes from your granite. Now let's talk rocks. Rocks are a window through time. If you don't believe me, this will blow your mind.

Whole deal is rock, you think 100 years, a million. The Naboo Gita Greenstone Belt is 12.28 billion. That's old, even older than your mama. But like mama's DNA tells us, the saga that led to her birth, rocks tell us the story of how the earth formed and now love its glory. How? Well, let's take the NGB. Get up in that greenstone and you'll see putative fossilized microorganisms found deep

in the church. They support the supposition that life began at the bottom of the sea in geothermal vents even hotter than the street. From the pebbles on the beach to the cobbles in the streets, every stone that you can see will teach you rocks. And if you want to learn the history of Earth from the present to our birth, you've will teach you rocks rock and if you want to learn the history of earth from the present to our birth you gotta study rocks and if you're a great geologist you'll learn we're hidden knowledges and get into good colleges because rocks if you want to see the planet then you gotta understand it know your geos from your granite now let's talk rocks earthquakes landslides volcanoes oh my learn about them all when you step on inside diamonds rubies if you like jewelry we've got gems that'll get you drooling dino fossils so colossal paralyze your

hypoglossals you can't see them in this museum once you hear the rules don't make me repeat them one no phones in the exhibit leave it in a cubby and don't forget it two r-e-s-b-e-c-t the features teachers staff and me three save the best for last talking rocks is such a blast and geology's for everyone so rule number three is have some fun rocks just rock