Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 4 - The Lord of Chaos Pt. II

Episode Date: March 12, 2019

The Lord of Chaos is revealed, and the dads discover their plan. Henry has a heart to heart, Glenn finds his inner rock star, Ron invents a new form of stealth, and the dads apply logic to shapeshifti...ng.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, and body horror.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. At the tone, please record your voice message. Hey Carol, it's Daryl. Nothing, no concern. You know, we haven't found Grant yet, but I will any minute now, I'm sure. I just thought maybe I missed a call from you since I lost my phone. But, you know, good old Daryl's always prepared and he's got a backup. He said it was dumb to have two phones, but, well, anyways, the top right corner of the fridge has this number.
Starting point is 00:00:29 It's on that list of all the important numbers. Haven't found Grant yet, but we did find Henry's kids. So, you know, those little scams didn't get very far, and they're pretending to be a lord of chaos or something or another. They're getting in a little bit of trouble, but, you know, everything's fine. Daryl's got it under control. I'll give you a call once I find Grant, which will probably be any second now, so don't worry about it.
Starting point is 00:00:50 Hope you're doing fine. Hope Darnell's doing fine. No, you wouldn't know why Darnell's doing fine. Don't worry about it. I love you. I miss you. Oh, gotta go. Bye.
Starting point is 00:00:57 Love you. welcome to dungeons and daddies a dnd podcast about four dads from our world flung into the forgotten realms in a quest to rescue their sons my name is freddie wong and i play glenn close uh, rock, bard, dad. And you know what? The fun fact this week is going to be this. We found out that all of the spells in D&D
Starting point is 00:01:32 make for really good band names. So hi, I'm Glenn Close and I'm the lead singer of Dissonant Whispers. Shit, that's really good. That's very good. I'm Matt Arnold and I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad. And the only woman I've ever kissed besides my best friend Carol was her older sister Stacy.
Starting point is 00:01:54 When did that happen? She was lacrosse. Well, I was the Roman guard, and she played Mary Magdalene, of course. And I hadn't met Carol yet, and she doesn't know about it. And Stacy teases me every Thanksgiving about it. I hope she never finds out. Drama. I hadn't met my wife, and she doesn't know about it, and Stacey teases me every Thanksgiving about it. I hope she never finds out. Drama. I hadn't met my wife yet.
Starting point is 00:02:08 Wait, what? She was a grade below Daryl. Okay. Yeah, I guess I have a very specific type. How old was Daryl when this happened? This was eighth grade. Eighth grade? It was my first kiss, yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:16 Oh, wow. So you and your wife are like middle school sweethearts. Oh, yeah. We're high school sweethearts. We finally got together in high school. I started dating her in eighth grade when I was a freshman. Wow. Wait, she was in eighth grade grade and you were a freshman?
Starting point is 00:02:28 That's gross. It was quite a scandal in our small town. That's fucking nasty. You're a dirty boy. Dale's a dirty boy. You're also one of those people who's like never dated anyone else so you don't know what's out there. Yeah. So you take her for granted, she takes you for granted. Oh, this makes your hideous actions in the sex pit a lot more understandable. Hideous feels very
Starting point is 00:02:43 judgy. Hey folks, it's me henry oak uh granola dad slash druid and i am the front man of thorn whip hi i'm beth may and i play ron stampler and shit it's like he was another guy just show up in the room what happened who is that? It's Ron. It's me. I've been here the whole time. Okay, so fun fact about Ron is Ron has a collection of his baby teeth because when he put them under the pillow when he was younger for the Tooth Fairy, nobody ever picked them up.
Starting point is 00:03:26 Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no. I went from hating Ron to like, oh, no, now I feel really bad for Ron. Does Ron have those baby teeth with him on the adventure? That's for Ron to maybe know because he hasn't checked his pockets. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:03:39 Okay. All right. My name is Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. And we're recording this at 9 a.m. in the morning. So if I sound a little bit low energy, that's why. It's not because I don't love these people, these horrible, horrible dads. I changed all your contact information on my phone to say daddy master on Facebook.
Starting point is 00:03:58 Now you're my daddy master. Did you really? Yeah, you're just my daddy master from now on. Well, you are all my children. I'm the daddy of daddies. Wow. You're dad of dads. This is episode four, The Lord of Chaos, part two. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:16 I guess in a way, we have 75% of the information we need to answer your question, Will, which was, which dad has the biggest dong? Daddy master, what say you of this fight? There is no way on God's green earth that I'm going to describe your dick sizes. That is between you and your horrible lord that will judge you. I was going to say
Starting point is 00:04:36 please, Daddy, but then you're going to cut it out. If you want a role for dick sizes, you can be my guest. That should be what we do. It's role for dick sizes, you can be my guest. That would be a good role. That should be what we do. That's good. No, no, no, no.
Starting point is 00:04:48 It's not absolute dick sizes. It's relative dick sizes. Guys, this podcast is getting a little fratty, I have to say. All right. Well, three dads are with their dicks now, but we can't talk about it. Go ahead. Very well. You keep your secrets.
Starting point is 00:05:01 This fucking Kirsten Victorian-ass podcast. You guys are so lucky I'm here. What would you get accused of otherwise? Why do you think you are here? Anyway, Lark and Sparrow go, Dad, no! And now you see that your children are actually in the box seat above you
Starting point is 00:05:19 looking down at you and your horrible dick. That's my boys. Lark, Sparrow, you're the lord of chaos? Yeah. That's great. What in tarnation are you doing up there, young boys? So Lark turns to Sparrow and he goes, I think he's going to be angry.
Starting point is 00:05:38 What do you think? You're darn tootin' right I'm angry. Guards, put them in the dungeon, please. Excuse me, excuse me, Lark. What? Don't put Daddy and his friends in the dungeon. Okay. Dungeon, please.
Starting point is 00:05:53 As he says that, the stadium comes alive with a bunch of people that you thought were just sort of spectators. About two dozen of them jump out with spears and swords and stuff like that and encircle the the 75 naked group they point their their swords at you are you going to resist you're going to let them take you somewhere which is like the tallest one like i go up to i assume the tallest one is in charge i just i'm
Starting point is 00:06:14 going to go start talking to somebody sure excuse me sir hi everyone if you could just for a second can't speak to the manager funny story are you the manager i ask this guy yes uh okay uh what's your name sir my name is arson arson hello arson it's me henry oak those two boys up there are actually my sons uh it seems like there's been a big misunderstanding so uh we need to reunite with them that's kind of the whole reason we're here they're not the lord of chaos clearly they're just two mischievous yet talented boys um so i think we need to just kind of maybe discuss this whole situation a little bit roll persuasion i got a three he uh hits you in the face and you are knocked unconscious uh i definitely don't think i'm resisting this this is like hands up dicks out darryl wilson has
Starting point is 00:07:01 uh now that the rage of battle has subsided, he is ashamed at his naked form. And the whole time he is slowly putting his clothes back on and trying to regain his posture. No, no, no. Keep them where they are. Boys, your father spent a lot of time coming to find you. Dangers and everything. And you know what? I know you're good boys.
Starting point is 00:07:23 You're good members of the team. I think you should come down here and talk to your old everything. And you know what? I know you're a good boys. You're, you're good members of the team. I think, uh, I think you should come down here and talk to your old man. Hit him too. They, uh, they roll.
Starting point is 00:07:32 Give me, give me, actually give me a dice. Okay. What? Oh, D 20. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:35 Give me a D 20. Okay. Good. Cause I rolled a one. I rolled an 18. They hit you in the fucking head and you, you go out. Oh no.
Starting point is 00:07:41 Are you, are you two remaining going to go with them peacefully for this? I mean, I'm clearly railroading you into? Lard and Spartacus. That's my new name. I'm taking that now. That's good. That's me. I came up
Starting point is 00:07:57 with that. We need spanking back in America. And if you don't release us, I will spank you. Hit him immediately before he can say more things. And if you don't release us, I will spank you. Hit him immediately before he can say more things. He hits you. Alright, just stone her dad left. Yeah, I've
Starting point is 00:08:14 definitely seen three people get clocked. No thanks. I've been in a bar brawls in my day to know that you want to live to see the next morning. Okay. Actually, since Glenn's awake, I'll give you some more details. Yeah. So you're led... Intel, baby. So they move you to a tower
Starting point is 00:08:29 that is beyond the gladiatorial pit. As you walk in, you see that there's an elevator that goes up. And before you guys enter, you see Lark and Sparrow get inside that elevator and go up.
Starting point is 00:08:38 You wait for the elevator to come down. The guards put you on it and they take you downward. As we're waiting, it's like, this is going to take forever, right? What is this, the local? As you on it, and they take you downward. As we're waiting, it's like, this is going to take forever, right? What is this, the local?
Starting point is 00:08:48 As you go down, you can see a floor that has an armory on it. The elevator stops, and a guy holding everybody's stuff, all the weapons and stuff. Two guys come out, and they're a kobold, a lizardfolk, and a guy who looks like a bird. So basically, a birdman, a lizardman, and a goblinman take all of your things and move them into a room
Starting point is 00:09:08 that they then lock. Real diverse hiring initiatives here. It's a very inclusive cult. The elevator continues down and then you find yourself at the prison level. They move all of you into... Does the elevator have a little ding when it gets there? No, but there's the guy who
Starting point is 00:09:23 Will was talking to. He goes like, Dong, we're here. Is there elevator music? Thanks, Arson. Do they have a small guy playing a little fiddle? Arson's just like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That's the Wii Shop music. That's where it came from, is the Wii Shop. Yeah, it's dimensional bleed.
Starting point is 00:09:44 Somebody in Nintendo heard that and was like, that's a good beat. So you're put into separate cells. You can see that some other people are in the cells next to you as well. And overlooking the cells is a very bored-looking guard sort of resting his head on his palm next to a lever. Everyone wakes up now inside your cells, which are dingy and basically only the size of one of you, so you're all in separate cells. Do we have our clothes? No. Dope. You can see in the other cells that don't include you
Starting point is 00:10:11 guys, there's a cell with a sign that says don't open this door for any reason with a small crying girl inside of it. Just the sign or is there an actual small crying girl? There's a small crying girl inside the cell, sorry. Okay, I thought it was like on the sign. The symbol for this world for do not open is a small crying girl.'s a small crying girl inside the cell sorry okay i thought it was like on the sign for this world for do not open it's a small cry oh no no no no yeah it's it says in english or in common rather don't open the cell and then there's a girl inside of a crying and
Starting point is 00:10:33 then you see another cell that has like somebody just wearing a hood um sort of sitting on his own i would like to say that what they wake up to is glenn practicing mouth trumpet so the idea that beatbox you have beatboxers they can do like trumpet sounds and that's what they wake up to is glenn practicing mouth trumpet so the idea that beatbox you have beatboxers they can do like trumpet sounds the mouth so they wake up to oh wow hold on oh oh what is that heavenly music it's lured me back to consciousness. Okay. Dad buddy system sound off. Where's my buddy? Daryl Wilson here. Wait. I think I'm your buddy.
Starting point is 00:11:10 I mean, like, for... No. No, Ron. You and me. I was pretty sure that Henry was my buddy because I remember I was so happy. I'm pretty sure Henry was my buddy. He stopped me from going...
Starting point is 00:11:21 Again, thanks, Henry, for stopping me from committing quite a few sins back there i appreciate it all right i'm just gonna assume that i'm everyone's buddy from now on uh so i'm glad you're all okay uh hello hi hello is there anyone can we see each other yeah and the guards in the center of us imagine you're in a clock uh he's at 12 on the second sort of level. How old would you say he is? The guard? Yeah. I'd say he's exactly 43.
Starting point is 00:11:48 Oh. Well, it's important how I address him. Hello, good sir. Good sir. I thought you had a brilliant escape plan. Good sir, I put my hand after the bars. Daryl Wilson here. He's way too far away to actually shake your hand,
Starting point is 00:12:04 but he just like looks at you and then sort of goes back to just a little bit of a misunderstanding and while we try to figure this out would you mind uh giving us our uh it's a little chilly in here um maybe some of our clothes back uh lord said no all right hey what's your name man um what's my name yeah that's my favorite thing people do in improv where they repeat the question you asked them back. They give themselves more time to think of something clever to do. And then they look around for different words and things around them that they can turn into. My name's Speaker.
Starting point is 00:12:34 Speaker Travis. Speaker Travis. So you don't want to change that to Travis Speaker? No. Speaker is a job title in the cult. I'm a speaker for the Lord of Chaos. And my name is Travis. We're the world-building bitch.
Starting point is 00:12:47 I'm the harmonica player back in Memphis named Speaker Travis, actually. Speaker Travis, could you explain to us what the plan is? How long are we going to be here? Are we going to get a lawyer? Do we get a phone call? So as you say that, you hear two sets of footsteps coming down the hall and Lark and Sparrow, no longer pretending to be the Lord of Chaos, appear before you. I mean, walking.
Starting point is 00:13:13 They don't like bamf it or whatever. Lark, Sparrow, it's me, your dad. Yeah, we know. We put you here. Why did you put me here? Because you seemed like you were going to tell us to not do things. You know, sometimes being a grown-up means, and being a good kid, means having to not do stuff that you want to do. Like pretend to be a chaos demon or whatever's going on here.
Starting point is 00:13:37 What is going on here? What are you two up to? Well, we're the Lord of Chaos, and we're pretty sure, like, it seemed like initially we were pretending, but everybody keeps listening to it, so I think we just are the Lord of Chaos. Like, we're not actually, like, we did it for realsies, so that's cool. But yeah, they said that there is a big demon that looks like our doodler, our creation, and Sparrow goes, from our minds!
Starting point is 00:13:59 And they say if we could summon it, then, like, that'll be cool, and we think we could fight it, and we're gonna fight it, and we're gonna beat it then like that'll be cool and and we think we could fight it and we're gonna fight it we're gonna beat it and that'll be great well i don't i'm just i'm very frustrated by the situation you know i try to get on your guys's level and you know and let you be kids but we you can't just go around summoning chaos gods you can't i don't care what the doodler looks like in this world why not everything you've taught us is that we are the ultimate expression of childhood and perfection
Starting point is 00:14:25 and anything we wish to do if we put our minds to we can oh man so we're gonna summon an elder scott and kill it this is what happens when you don't lay down your foot every once in a while shut the fuck up just just just just let just let me handle this i know how to talk to these guys are they both collectively the lord of chaos think so. Maybe we should kill one. I don't like that idea, personally. Sparrow puts up his dukes. He's like, you are welcome to try. Power, power.
Starting point is 00:14:58 Boys, what's the first rule when deciding upon a course of action? As I've taught you boys many, many a time. Remind me. It's to imagine how you would feel if that action was done to you. Yes. So what do you think the con... Let's just talk through this, okay? I'm going to talk to you guys like adults
Starting point is 00:15:12 because you're big boys. We were previously bigger, but then you showed us your dick and now we're our normal size again. What do you think the consequences of your actions might be? What do you think will happen if the doodler is unleashed?
Starting point is 00:15:25 The doodler appears. We engage it in single combat. We destroy it. We are considered heroes for all time. Now, are you so sure that that's going to happen? What if the doodler is a lot stronger than you are? Do you know how strong the doodler is? The doodler doesn't know Krav Maga.
Starting point is 00:15:42 I don't. I don't know. So what if the doodler is stronger than you? What would happen then? Our friends, our cult friends would help us kill him. What if he's stronger than all the cult people? Well, this seems arbitrary. Well, that's not arbitrary because you don't know anything about the doodler, do you? It's like that time when you wanted to jump off that really tall cliff when we were in Bermuda. And I said, you don't know what's underneath the water. Do you remember?
Starting point is 00:16:06 I do. But I think we're taking different morals from that story. My moral was you should have let me do it. And your moral is that you're glad I didn't. No, because there were, remember the tour guide told us that there were rocks under the water. And sometimes when you take a big, crazy jump, even though it seems like fun,
Starting point is 00:16:21 you could wind up hurting yourself. Yeah. I feel like Ron is like looking for something in the cell to maybe escape with. Feel free, guys. Roll perception. This could go on for a while. Eighteen. Whoa!
Starting point is 00:16:36 So you see that in your cell, it's made of bricks, but one of the bricks is slightly discolored. Looks ugly. I go and touch it. Alright. When you touch it, purple runes appear on the wall
Starting point is 00:16:52 like they fade into existence and they say, I'm hungry. Hi, hungry. I'm dad. The cell door opens! You solved my puzzle! Oh my god! You're kidding me! The cell door opens! You solved my puzzle!
Starting point is 00:17:07 Oh my god, you're cheating! The cell door opens! Just want to say the best moment of my life. Alright, everybody's cell door opens. Daryl Wilson was like fidgeting with his door, and I'm assuming that Ron was kind of far away, so Daryl definitely thinks he opened all the doors. He's like, yeah, I did it.
Starting point is 00:17:28 I picked this lock. But Larkin's Barrel are there. Yes, Larkin's Barrel are there and they see all the doors open and they go, this is a bad thing! And they start to run. To be clear, all doors, including the ones of the cloaked dude? No. Okay, so the cell doors that open are Glenn Close's, Daryl Wilson's, and Ron
Starting point is 00:17:43 Stampler's. Henry Oakes does not open. Okay, well, I instinctively... In purple, the runes appear on the wall of Henry Oakes' cell, and they say, this is your fault. Oh. Harsh. I chase after Henry's boys and scream to Freddy, take that guard down, Glenn! He's above me, right? Yeah, in the same direction that Larkin Sparrow running, there's a straight shot to the elevator,
Starting point is 00:18:05 and then to the left, you can see that's where you go up the stairs to get to that guard. All right. I'm going to go to the base of the stairs, and I'm going to be like, hey, we don't got a fight or anything. You want to just be cool? Roll persuasion. Nine plus 514.
Starting point is 00:18:21 He goes, why? Well, we outnumber you at the moment. You're also naked and have no things. I got a thing right here, baby. Oh, man. Now we're fighting. I guess we gotta fight. I'll jog up the stairs. What happens to So you roll
Starting point is 00:18:37 athletics. Athletics. I get plus 5. So that's 15 plus 5, 20. Okay. you successfully grab Lark and Sparrow You're naked and holding these two kids And they go, help! Stranger!
Starting point is 00:18:54 I'm not a stranger I'm Daryl Wilson, dammit, and you've been Absolutely horrible You're gonna go talk to your dad And I'm holding them and I'm walking towards Henry Okay, you hear the elevator begin to descend. So they're fighting as much as they can. They're going to try to bite you.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Roll dexterity. Well, that's a nine. Okay, so actually I'm going to roll for both of them. So Lark bites you on the hand and you let go involuntarily. And Sparrow tries to do the same thing, but it doesn't work quite as well. Because I grind my teeth at night. Henry, I'm doing my best. I really don't want to kick your boys.
Starting point is 00:19:35 It would be helpful if you said something to them. I really don't want to punch them. I think Ron would go back and try to break the cell door open because you don't want to help with the other ones. And then also, I know what it feels like for it to be my fault. Okay, so you're trying to break open Henry's cell door open because you don't want to help with the other ones. And then also, I know what it feels like for it to be my fault. Okay, so you're trying to break open Henry's cell door?
Starting point is 00:19:49 Yes. Ron, Ron, go get my other son. He's still running away. I'm here for you, Henry. All right, why don't you roll a strength? It's a five. You pull, and nothing seems to happen. Okay, I am going to... Hold on one second. Oh boy, here nothing seems to happen. Okay. I am going to...
Starting point is 00:20:05 Hold on one second. Oh, boy. Here it comes, baby. As I watch my two bratty boys scrambling around in a grown, naked-ass man's arms, and then one of them bites him and runs away, my eyes roll back on my head and glow green. And once again, my fingers tremble, and I plunge them into the ground, and I cast Entangle.
Starting point is 00:20:24 Ooh, okay. Grasping weeds and vines shoot out into the ground and I cast entangle. Oh, okay. Grasping weeds and vines shoot out from the ground at a 20 foot square, starting from a point within range. I cast entangle at his feet. Okay. And then he has to make a strength saving throw or be restrained by the entangling plans until the spell ends. When does the spell end?
Starting point is 00:20:41 A duration is up to one minute. Oh, okay. Oh, all right. Vines shoot out of the ground as Lark begins to try to pull its spear to get him out of Daryl's hands. And they wrap around him entirely, and he goes,
Starting point is 00:20:55 ah, this is a good fight. I am excited! And he's entangled. What is going on with the guard? So back up at the guard tower, I get up there and I look at his setup. I'm like, man, he has some comfy digs here, and I'm casting charm person.
Starting point is 00:21:11 So I attempt to charm a humanoid that I see within range. Must make a wisdom saving throw and does so with advantage if you or your companions are fighting it. I think this is an advantage situation because I forgot about this. If this works, the charm creature regards you as a friendly acquaintance. Okay.
Starting point is 00:21:28 Ooh, he saves. Sorry. All right. I guess that didn't work. I'm just sitting here naked, dong hanging out and everything. Okay. He's going to try to attack you. We're going to say he's a kobold, so he'll be pretty weak.
Starting point is 00:21:41 So he hits you. Take 1d4 plus 2 piercing damage. That'd be 3. Okay. So as you guys are fighting, you hear the elevator go, and the doors open, and the guards that you saw
Starting point is 00:21:57 take your loot into the other room appear. Oh, man. They basically see an entangled Lord of Chaos and a Lord of Chaos being held by a man with a dong wagon or in the wind and uh that's all they see right now so they just see me holding right now all they see is you because freddy's in the stairwell and they believe they know the lord of chaos was these two kids yeah okay so they were they were fine so bluff checked you're the dad of chaos and you've just been you've they angry they've angered you and you're you're in
Starting point is 00:22:25 charge of them oh yes please okay sure i'll try that i'm glad you're here i am the dad of chaos and my two boys of chaos have been causing quite a trouble now hold on as you say this i think you have to gyrate your hips to kind of spin your dog around a little bit you're so close to two kids though like i don't know if we want to focus on the dong element of this. But I puff my chest out and act as proud as possible. In fact, I even let go of Sparrow. Sparrow. Sparrow.
Starting point is 00:22:53 I let go of Sparrow. Sparrow would be your version of your son. Sparrow. Sparrow. Sparrow. I let go of Sparrow. Yeah, I let him go also. Sparrow immediately starts trying to pull the vines off of Lark. Please restrain my two boys so we can discuss this like a family, goddammit. So as you say that, Lark and Sparrow go, he's making things up.
Starting point is 00:23:15 He's a crazy naked man. He's going to attack us. So you can roll your bluff, but you just roll it with disadvantage because they're contradicting you. Okay. Well, that's an 11. So that's going to be my best one, hopefully. Nope, my three was my one. So the baddies aren't buying it.
Starting point is 00:23:29 And they rush you. There's four of them. Okay. And they're all going to attack you. Okay. I'll give you one reaction before they attack. Hostage kids. Hostage kids.
Starting point is 00:23:39 I'm trying to avoid hostage kids. This is not Henry saying this. This is Will saying this. But I don't have any weapons other than my dong. So that's the problem. You got your bare hands. You got your bare barbarian. You got your meat sticks.
Starting point is 00:23:51 All right. I grab Sparrow and I hold his tiny little boy head in my tube monster. Oh, no. In my tube monster. Fucking the mountain and over in my mouth. Yes. And I go, stop it! These boys are always playing games like this
Starting point is 00:24:08 and I swear to God if you don't calm down I will crush one of my sons. That's why I got two of them. So Sparrow goes, yeah! Okay, roll intimidation with advantage because that's good. Okay. Seven. Nineteen plus one. Ooh, okay.
Starting point is 00:24:24 The guards stop dead in their tracks. They go, okay. How are we going to play this? Well, first things first. My name's Dad of Chaos, Daryl Wilson. I would shake my hand, but I got my hands full, if you know what I mean. You have 55 seconds before the entangle loosens on Sparrow. All right.
Starting point is 00:24:44 So first things first. On Lark, rather. 55 seconds before the entangle loosens on Sparrow. Alright, so first things first, if you could help me out, and these boys always give Uncle Henry a problem there, if you could go ahead and let Uncle Henry out, he can also help explain what's going on. Thanks, brother of chaos, Daryl.
Starting point is 00:24:58 So they call up to the guard that was fighting Freddy, and they say let out Henry, the granola one. Do you have granola in this world? No they, that's what they, Do you have granola in this world? No, that's just what your kids called you. Yeah, let him out.
Starting point is 00:25:09 So they pull, he turns away from Glenn, pulls the lever. Who's nursing a stab wound, like, ah, dag. Yeah, pulls the lever, and the door opens up to Henry's cell.
Starting point is 00:25:19 I strut out with confidence. Hail and well met, fellow guards. I am, as we say in our world, the Gran Ola of the Chaos Realm. Wow.
Starting point is 00:25:30 I am uncle to these two childs and a powerful vizier to the court of chaos. As you say, Gran Ola, Lark and Sparrow both have to take
Starting point is 00:25:39 a D4 of psychic damage. Can somebody roll a 2D4? One of them takes four damage. Wow. You killed your son. Lark is like,
Starting point is 00:25:47 ah, this is not how I wanted to go. I wanted to die in battle. Valhalla. And then the other one. Four. Another four. He's the chosen one. I wanted to die fighting the doodler,
Starting point is 00:26:01 not my own father. So as that happens also, as he screams in agony, the vines leave his body, and he's just sort of, like, staring and looking around, like, not quite sure what to do because you've got him at a disadvantage by having his brother. If we're going to talk about this, like, fathers that we are and uncles, can we please get our clothes? No!
Starting point is 00:26:20 I'm not talking to you, young boys. I'm talking to these four fine gentlemen who are here to help us. Oh. In exchange for what? You're going to let the kids go? In exchange that you don't see this anymore and I start wiggling my dick. The kids take another D4 of psychic damage.
Starting point is 00:26:36 You're killing my boys. That's a three. And a two. That's not quite as bad as it is, but it's still pretty bad. Words are more powerful than actions. So they go, maybe. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:26:52 Sir, half of chaos, what should we do? And he looks at Lark in your hands, and Lark looks back at him with eyes that are furious, but also pained. And Sparrow goes, do you trust me? And Lark says, till the end. And Sparrow goes,
Starting point is 00:27:09 I will come back for you. Away! And he runs with the guards. He goes, we are starting the ceremony now! Ceremony? They run into the elevator, unless you want to try to stop them,
Starting point is 00:27:22 obviously. Can I chase after him? Yeah, go ahead and chase. All right, I'll chase after my son running at the elevator. Okay. Roll acrobatics, athletics,
Starting point is 00:27:28 athletics, athletics. Oh, I have a negative one on this. I got a 16. Ooh. Okay. All right.
Starting point is 00:27:35 So you catch up to him and put a hand on him and seeing this, uh, one of the guards is going to attack you. Oh, great. This will be actions of consequences. Well, this is gonna be the Kinkoo.
Starting point is 00:27:46 What? The Kinkoo? Sorry, what? Sorry, a Kinkoo is a bipedal bird that is man-sized. Oh, okay. Man, I love that. They're very, very cute.
Starting point is 00:27:57 They're my favorite. So he misses. Okay. But now you are basically just in straight-up combat. Everybody roll initiative. 21. 6 plus 4 roll initiative. 21. 6 plus 4, 10.
Starting point is 00:28:08 19. 4. They are going to roll initiative as a group. 15. So we are now at the beginning of combat. And Will, you rolled the best initiative roll. So you get another turn. Okay.
Starting point is 00:28:20 I am going to blast the guy in front of me with poison spray. Okay. Sha-cow. So poison spray is he, I put my hand in front of him and blast him with noxious gas from my palm. He has to take a constitution saving throw. All right. So are you targeting the Kenku who they just tried to attack you? Yes.
Starting point is 00:28:39 Okay. He fails. So what happens to him? 1d12 damage. Whoa. All right, go ahead and roll it. He takes 5 damage. Okay.
Starting point is 00:28:48 He is looking worse for wear. And I go, smell my stinky palm, you bird bastard. Lark goes, that's it, huh? That's the best you got? Ron Sampler. All right, Ron attempts to hide in the pants that he is still wearing by pulling them up over his head. All right. I'm willing to roll for stretchiness of pants.
Starting point is 00:29:20 Just FYI. Okay. But trust me, they're pretty stretchy. Trust me, they have to be really stretchy, if you know what I mean. Do they just happen to be the same, like they're a cobblestone print, so it just blends into the environment?
Starting point is 00:29:36 It just happens to be wearing like... Well, if I do it fast enough, it looks like I have disappeared into short air. Okay. Why don't you roll stretchiness? If you get a 15 or higher, then... 11. Okay. You're just going to have a regular roll for your stealth check, then. If you got a 15 or higher,
Starting point is 00:29:53 you would have a advantage because the pants were so very stretchy. But you're going to roll stealth check. Okay. 9 plus 4. Okay, so 13. So they're going to oppose with wisdom. Okay. So the guy up top
Starting point is 00:30:10 with Freddy can see you. He can see over the top of the pants. Yeah, he can see over the top of the pants. He goes, there's a guy in that pants. But my name is Speaker. I don't remember my real name. Speaker Travis. Speaker Travis, and I can see through pants. But the other guys on the ground floor cannot see you. You've successfully hidden within your pants.
Starting point is 00:30:32 Ah, yes. So now what do you do? I'm not going to take another action. I'm just going to wait and see what everybody does. Can we all roll to see if we know that? Yeah, roll perception. I want to know if I know that Ron did. I'm completely bamboozled by this move.
Starting point is 00:30:51 As far as you're concerned, Ron just disappeared. Where's Ron? Where did Ron go? Why are his pants there? Did Ron throw off his pants and run? So do we just see a pair of pants on the ground? you think they're just like leaning up against the wall or something ron's finally free at least we all have our dick set
Starting point is 00:31:14 ron sees in his pockets that he does have the baby teeth i love the idea that you have to explore your pants space. Like it's a TARDIS. Yeah. Okay. So the Kenku is going to, he's going to try to attack Henry to get Lark free. That's going to hit you. So you take 1d6 plus 3 damage. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:31:40 It's real bad. I'm going to have to put some ointment on that. Oh, we got one. So 1d6 plus three? Yeah. So four damage. So four damage. And you, in your pain, recoil,
Starting point is 00:31:49 and you let go of your son. So they're all basically going to go as groups. It'll sound punishing, but it's basically they all go as one chunk. Okay. Lark is going to run for the elevator. Okay. He's going to spend all of his actions
Starting point is 00:31:59 dashing to the elevator, and that's his turn. The lizard folk is going to run up to daryl wilson and he is going to bite you okay now i i want to ask a few things because i'm holding sparrow i here's the thing i don't use him as a human yeah i don't want to kill sparrow but i'm planning on maybe using him either as a shield or a club depending on what's going to be happening so i just want to make sure because sometimes i don't want to just roll a dice and then Sparrow's dead. I feel like you could use him as an armor class bonus
Starting point is 00:32:30 because it's like the guy's going to want to avoid hitting the kid. He will basically, if you try to... Here's what we'll do. If you try to put Sparrow up in front of you, that means he'll be attacking with disadvantage. But if he still does actually succeed in this attack roll, he'll just hit Sparrow. Okay.
Starting point is 00:32:44 I'm going to suggest what I want to do because I don't know if this would work with initiative. Sure. I feel like the moment I saw this happening, I would have turned around and put him in a cell and said, grown men got to do some talking. And then I closed the door and I turned around ready to fight. Yeah, that's not going to happen yet. You can do that on your turn because that's a lot of stuff. Okay.
Starting point is 00:33:00 No, I actually protect Sparrow. Okay, there we go. I turn away and just take the hit. Okay. So he'll attack you with advantage, but there's no way that he'll hit your son. Sorry, Henry's son. It feels like my son right now.
Starting point is 00:33:11 All right. He's going to try to bite you. Oh, no. Oh, no. Roll 2d6. Oh. I'm a barbarian. I got a lot of HP.
Starting point is 00:33:25 That's a 2. And that's a 3, so 5. Plus 2, so that's 7 damage. Yowza. That definitely hurt. And then he's going to try to throw his javelin at Glenn, who is in the stairwell and within view of him. Take a d6 plus 2 damage.
Starting point is 00:33:45 Glenn. 1 plus 2, 3. Oie, D6 plus two damage. Glenn. One plus two, three. Oie, oie, oie. Okay. And now the kobolds go. The one up with Glenn is like, what's going on? What are we doing, guys?
Starting point is 00:33:54 Guys, what are we doing? And he loses his turn because he can't see what's going on down there. He's just so confused with the man in the pants thing. He's like, I don't... He doesn't even think that that's like a plan, so he doesn't feel like he needs to tell anybody about it.
Starting point is 00:34:04 He's just like, well, was that guy cold? Yeah, what's going on? And then the other kobold runs up and is going to try to hit Daryl. And he will miss. So he swipes at you with his dagger and it's right very close to your body. And you can feel the wind from it
Starting point is 00:34:24 on your naked sweaty flesh now it is glenn's turn what i want to do is i want to run up and push the kobold through the window oh cool uh so i've been hit stabbed i'm gonna assume my my dad rock aura right the onstage persona which is in this character uh what shifting is so normally the same more beast shield appearance that's a fair description of the aura that Glenn Close emanates. So this transformation is going to last for a minute. I gain plus three temp HP
Starting point is 00:34:52 and additional benefits that depend on your shifter subrace. Everybody else, are they going to just see like, ooh, wow, he's got like more stage presence or are you going to like visually change or do you just have like more charisma and presence? I think it's one of those things where I definitely look like those abs suddenly become more defined but it's like it
Starting point is 00:35:09 seems that way even though it's not it's like when a pregnant lady glows and i'm like there's just something about just something about okay you turn from glenn close into glenn closer i didn't understand it until i saw jimmy wong go on stage and you look like a different person on stage even though it was just him so. So you look exactly like Jimmy Wong. Yeah, you turn into Jimmy Wong. You turn into Jimmy Wong. Like in canon, yeah. The quads get a little more defined.
Starting point is 00:35:33 The hair seems to be a little longer. All of a sudden it's like, is there a wind machine? Like the hair just starts kind of blowing back. There's a mirror selfie. I'm so sorry, Jimmy. So as I'm shifted, I'm a little bit faster. Just sort of an overall bonus. I'm going to try and run up, dash up the stairs
Starting point is 00:35:48 and push the kobold through the window that he's overlooking while giving an Iron Man like, yeah! All right, let's call that a normal attack. Okay. 12. That hits him. You shove him through the window made of glass.
Starting point is 00:36:06 Glass shatters everywhere, and he hits the fucking ground and takes a D12 of damage. Talk about a stage dive. Holy shit. Right? Everybody take 1D4, but halved. 1D4 divided by, oh my God. That's a D8, Beth.
Starting point is 00:36:22 You're going to die. Oh, I'm sorry. 1 divided by half is still one, right? Yeah. I don't have to take one. Fuck you. Yeah, no, you don't. You said it.
Starting point is 00:36:31 Four, so I took two. As that happens, as you say that dad joke and you see Lark and Sparrow recoil from it, you are like emboldened by the realization that like for all the things in this world that have changed, for all the situations that you found yourselves in, there is one constant and that is that your dad jokes have power and you are emboldened and now you can feel that you will no longer take any damage from dad jokes they are now
Starting point is 00:36:54 part of who you are they're your brand um that's what i lived for okay somebody roll d12 for him please one oh not great he has like a little nimble roll but he's in the thick of it over there That's what I lived for. Okay. Somebody roll a d12 for him, please. One. Ooh. Not great. He has like a little nimble roll, but he's in the thick of it over there, I assume. Yeah, he kind of ducks and rolls. The thing I want to see then, so I'm up in this guard tower alone then, right? Yes.
Starting point is 00:37:14 So what does this look like? I want to take a, I want to, do I have time to do like a perception check as to what the hell is going on in here? Whoa, bad one. Okay. So you're just very confused by everything that's up here. I assume like what, a bunch of levers and stuff? Yeah, there's like a lever, but you don't know.
Starting point is 00:37:30 Does it go up? Should I go down? What do I do with it? I don't know. There's a chair. Do I sit in the chair? Do I throw the chair? What happens with the chair?
Starting point is 00:37:36 I don't know. It's very confusing. So in my exuberance of energy, I kick the chair and punch the lever straight on. Okay. The lever snaps. Oh, shit. And then the little girl in the cell beneath you is like, oh, fucking come on!
Starting point is 00:37:55 Okay, the other kobold will go now. It's going to run up. Whoa, God. So it does 1d4 to Henry Oak. Oh, yikes. Okay. Two. Okay.
Starting point is 00:38:08 So he does two damage to you, and he goes, Stay away from the Lord of Chaos. Nice. Thanks for the advice, Chief. Now it is Daryl's turn. So Daryl Wilson, just to clarify, I have held Sparrow. I protected him from getting hit by this lizard creature. Correct.
Starting point is 00:38:24 Okay. You have to let me know if I have enough time to do this. So first, from that hit, I evoke rage. The Sparrow feels you, like, hold him tight. And he's like, oh, no. And I walk him to the cell. And as I close the door, I stare at him. I go, your father loves you, and you should respect that.
Starting point is 00:38:41 And I close the door. And then I interact with objects. And I pick up one of the many broken pieces of glass on the ground and hold it in my hand and i charge at the closest uh whatever whatever fucking creature was closest to me that's a lot fuck it yeah we'll say you can get an extra action oh you do get an extra then that's perfect how about you decide who you want to attack so there's the kobold the lizard who's the lizard. Who's the one who hit me? The one who hit you is the lizard.
Starting point is 00:39:07 Okay, yeah. I go straight for the underside of his neck. Okay, attack him. So what would that weapon be? I would assume like a little dagger. We'll consider that a dagger. Okay. So I roll a 20. Whoa!
Starting point is 00:39:21 A nat 20 with that dagger. It's d4 plus 2 damage, yeah. So I roll 2 of them? Yeah. So that's a 2 and a 3, so 5 plus 2, 7. All right. Now it is Will's turn again. Previously on Henry's turn, I was fighting the...
Starting point is 00:39:38 I'm still sort of mano a mano with this... The canku, the bird boy. The canku. And then my son is off in the elevator now, right? He's inside the elevator. Okay. I'm going to... I'm just going to hit him with poison spray again.
Starting point is 00:39:50 I feel like I'm ready for this bird to die. All right. I say, I consider myself a friend of the birds, sir, and this gives me no pleasure, but as you continue to assault me, I have no choice but to defend myself. All right. You're definitely part of the Audubon Society.
Starting point is 00:40:02 Yeah, I'm like, I don't want to let the Audubon boys hear about this one. Alright, he opens his mouth in surprise and it hits him full force in the mouth. So roll a d12. 11. Oh no. Wow. The Kenku looks at you and wide mouth
Starting point is 00:40:18 stares at you dead in the eyes as the poison begins to eat him from the inside out and you just watch him just sort of begin to melt from the inside and a screech that will stay with you for the rest of your days should you live to be a thousand emanates from his horrible maw and all the donations
Starting point is 00:40:34 you ever gave to the Audubon Society echo in your ears as he dies in front of you. I shed a single traumatized tear. Alright, he is dead. Is that your turn? That's my turn. I don't think I can do anything. Well, I guess I can move, right?
Starting point is 00:40:47 You can move. All right, I'm going to move towards the fracas, whatever Daryl's up to. All right, you are now with there, which means you are flanking the lizard man. So Daryl will get advantage on attacks. Another great band name, flanking the lizard man. Oh my God, so good.
Starting point is 00:40:59 Oh man. All right, Ron. So besides the lizard man, who else is hanging out here? There's a Lizardman and a kobold that just fell to one damage. Did like a cool roll. He did a cool, yeah, kind of a fun, like he almost tried to Spider-Man land, but he like fucked it up and like twisted his ankle a little bit. Okay, Ron will be impressed, but will not hold back.
Starting point is 00:41:19 Ron is going to sort of crab walk in the shorts. Wait, they're shorts? I thought they were pants. So wait, people just saw two legs? Two hairy legs from the fucking floating shorts? How did you hide? But you can be crouched, right? So they're really baggy shorts. So you were basically...
Starting point is 00:41:39 Ron was wearing fatty JNCOs this entire time. Cargo shorts to hold all of your cell phones. The hugest JNCOs this entire time. Cargo shorts to hold all of your cell phones. The hugest JNCOs. Wait, wait, wait. They were pants, but I zipped them off, and now they're shorts. Okay. Zip off cargo shorts.
Starting point is 00:41:54 So you're like, this will help me hide if I remove most of the pant. Yes. And so I run crab walks. So it's just two pairs of feet coming out of a set of shorts. Run crab walks over toward the fray. And then can I grab some glass? Yeah. Are you going to attack somebody?
Starting point is 00:42:11 Because you'll get your sneak attack. I'm going to slit their Achilles tendons. Wait, when you say there, who are you attacking? There's a lizard. There's two kobolds. I'll take kobold one. The one that fell? Yes. Okay.
Starting point is 00:42:28 So why don't you attack him because you're sneak attacking him. I believe that means you get advantage. You should specifically go for the ankle that he sprained. I'm going for both of them. Oh, my ankle. So yeah, you have advantage. So roll twice and treat it like a dagger attack. Six.
Starting point is 00:42:45 Ten. Do you need bonuses? You must have a bonus. Yeah, hit DC's plus five on dagger. Okay, so yeah, you hit him. So now roll a D4 and a D6 and then add two. One and then five. Ooh, and then plus two.
Starting point is 00:43:01 You slice his Achilles tendon in just the right way that you hit a vein and green blood just starts shooting out of it into the air. What is Ron's reaction to this? Just relief. So all of you now see like a pair of shorts just sort of showed up and then like,
Starting point is 00:43:22 and then like blood is shooting everywhere. Now you realize that Ron was hiding within his own shorts. I think they just hear my lack of laughter, my like bad like, hee hee hee hee hee. So now it's the lizard's
Starting point is 00:43:34 turn to go. The lizard is going to try to hit Daryl as per usual. It misses with its first attack. Its second attack, it's going to try to throw a javelin at the pair of pants. And it missed with his first attack. Its second attack, it's going to try to throw a javelin
Starting point is 00:43:45 at the pair of pants. And it missed with his eye as well. And he goes, this is not my day. All right, now the kobold's going to go and it's going to try to attack Henry. And it will probably, well, it missed. Great. So now it is Glenn Close's turn.
Starting point is 00:44:00 I heard the girl when I punched the lever and broke it. And I kind of lean over through the sort of broken glass window. I'm like, hey, what the lever and broke it. Yeah. And I kind of lean over through the sort of broken glass window and I'm like, hey, what's your deal, man? What are you here for? Murder.
Starting point is 00:44:10 A lot of murder. I'm a shapeshifter. I can help you. I'm not really a girl. See? And then he like transforms into basically just a knight looking dude.
Starting point is 00:44:18 He's like, I can look like this or I can look like this and it turns into like a dog and like, I've murdered a lot of people but clearly you guys are fine with that so we should be homies.
Starting point is 00:44:27 Oh, how do I let you out? Well, I was going to say pull the lever, but you broke the lever, so I don't know, come over here and, like, wedge my door open? Wait, if you're a shapeshifter, can't you just shape into a shift smaller than the... Yeah, here's what we'll do. You shapeshift into a lever, I'll come down and get you, and then I can use you as a lever.
Starting point is 00:44:46 Not how it works! I shapeshift into something that's the same basic size as me. The mass has to all go somewhere. Well, so mass is a function of also you can have density, so you can be really heavy. Like from a physical sense,
Starting point is 00:45:00 you know what I mean? Like really wide but thin. Like an ant with a fucking weight of dark matter. Go really wide but thin. Yeah, technically, yeah. Way wide but thin. Oh, shit. Like a poster board i mean really wide like an ant with a fucking way to go really wide but thin yeah technically yeah like for a way wide but oh shit like a poster board like really wide i never thought about that before so you look down and you see you see this little girl you go and then basically she turns to like a length of bubble tape
Starting point is 00:45:25 it's really wide and then like falls over and it's like shit i can't move if i get that wide okay wait a second i'm gonna put my arm and she puts her arm through the cell and it gets really long but she can't move anymore i just need somebody to pull me out because i can't move i got i got you i'll as my action for this turn i'll uh i'll saunter down the stairs and pull this long you saw it on the stairs past all these people fighting and then you pull bubble tape girl out of her fucking cell okay so she's out now and she like reforms back into person like i cannot believe i didn't think of that before that hurt a lot it was heavy tape it was heavy tape it was very heavy oh you know it's extremely actually
Starting point is 00:46:05 yeah roll a stank strength check a stank a stank check 18 okay so you pull her it takes a lot of effort uh but you lift with your legs and you get her out and it's like it feels like you're like pulling like nothing but it just feels so heavy physically accurate yeah all right so it's uh darryl's turn um i mean i'm still holding this gentleman and i still have my bloody uh piece of glass so i'm just gonna keep okay well going at his neck i like the idea of the glasses in there and i guess i'll just toggle it around in there until i hit something a little bit saying they're just children damn it there's a 15 all right that's yeah whatever it's a four plus two plus two for me. So that's eight.
Starting point is 00:46:45 Oh, wow. He's extremely bloodied. Yeah, he's looking very bad. And then I go, hey, why don't you try to step away from me and see what happens? He's looking. That's what I whisper to him. He's currently looking at a naked man who's just like with glass in his neck. And he's just very, very scared.
Starting point is 00:47:01 He goes like, I may try to do that. Yeah, I may. Seriously, I'm totally letting you go. Just take a step away. Okay. Roll a deception. I get a minus one. 17 minus one.
Starting point is 00:47:11 All right. He's like, yeah, I buy that. Totally, totally, totally. So behind, over his shoulder, you can see Sparrow press the button on the elevator. And he sort of reaches out through the grate of the elevator and goes, I will come back for you. And he's talking to Lark and none of you. And the elevator begins to go. I got to say, even though I'm really mad at them for pretending to be a Lord of Chaos and wanting to summon like an elder God, like I admire that those two boys are so loyal to each other.
Starting point is 00:47:36 You know, I'm just saying I'm just putting it out there. Yeah, they have a better relationship than a lot of siblings. Yeah, they were putting on orgies and death festivals. But they did it together. And the orgy wasn't for them. That was they didn't want to be involved with anyone look at it okay that was that was already there they put on the death festival i mean i guess to be fair darryl wilson did try to walk into it so he can't really put you can't really judge anybody shove somebody into it you shoved me into it he tried to he touched me he was yeah okay um it is uh it is
Starting point is 00:48:00 henry's turn again is this how does this elevator Is it like, could I like grab onto the bottom of it? Ooh, yeah. Okay, like Sylvester Stallone or like in Clear and Present Danger when Harrison Ford jumps on the helicopter skid? Yeah, go ahead and try it. All right, that's what I do. I run to it and then I jump to grab onto it. All right, roll acrobatics.
Starting point is 00:48:16 Hot dice coming in. 13. Not quite enough. Oh, actually, I have inspiration. You do. Okay, I'm going to use my inspiration. Okay. 18. Ooh, actually, I have inspiration. You do. Okay, I'm going to use my inspiration. 18!
Starting point is 00:48:26 You run, you jump, and you successfully grab onto the bottom of the elevator, and you can see Sparrow lean over the side and look at you. Hey, Sparrow, you want to hang out with your old man? He takes a D4 of
Starting point is 00:48:41 Daryl Chuckles. Good one, Henry! Nailed it! He recoils in absolute pain. And so, yeah, you get a bonus action to basically do whatever you want without him opposing you. So is the door open?
Starting point is 00:48:54 Can I climb up into it? Yeah. Okay, all right. I'm going to climb up into the elevator. You do that, and he's lying on his back like holding his ears in pain. Okay, so that'll be your turn. Now it is Ron's
Starting point is 00:49:06 turn. I mean, seems like everybody's doing okay. I feel like the girl that materialized might be a good. I come out of my pants. Oh God, one word away. What would the one word be out to what
Starting point is 00:49:23 I come in my pants? But I know because come out of my? I cum in my pants. Oh. No, because cum out of my pants. I cum my pants. Does I cum my pants sound drastically less horrible to you? I cum of my pants. I yell to the girl, cum my pants, and ask if she will help me out of my pants.
Starting point is 00:49:39 Why would I? What? I've got these old man knees. I can't stand up straight. No. I can roll persuasion, I guess. That is a one. She just starts to walk away.
Starting point is 00:49:56 I come out of my pants. Anything else? Is that your turn? There's still a lizard and a kobold left. Oh, the lizard's still left. And he has the glass. In his neck, yeah. I go over and I punch the glass.
Starting point is 00:50:11 Whoa. All right, make an unarm attack. Eight. You miss. You go for it and you kind of just like, and your punch just glances off of his shoulder. He's more confused than anything else. He's like, whoa, the guy just came out of his pants
Starting point is 00:50:23 and then punched at my shoulder. Good swing, Ron. Good swing. You're good next time. So it's the lizard's turn. He, taking your advice, is going to run. He's like, thank you for your mercy. I go, you're welcome. And then I do opportunity attack. Alright, do it.
Starting point is 00:50:37 I also punch the... I go, nice, nice idea, Ron. And I miss, I'm assuming, with a five. Yeah, you miss. He's like, yeah, no, your mercy is great. Thank you so much. You're such a kind person. I try, nice, nice idea, Ron. And I miss, I'm assuming, with a five. Yeah, you miss completely. He's like, yeah, no, your mercy is great. Thank you so much. You're such a kind person.
Starting point is 00:50:49 As I miss, I try to change my punch into a wave to try to play it up. Like, yeah, goodbye. Yeah, thanks. I'll never forget your mercy. I'll definitely show up later when you need it most. And then the remaining kobold, it's his turn. And he just kind of like gives up. He's like, I don't, I don't feel like I can really take on all of you.
Starting point is 00:51:09 So I think we're good, right? We're good. We're good. I'm good. I'm going up an elevator right now. Okay. It's from 40 feet in the air. We're good.
Starting point is 00:51:18 Okay. While all y'all naked people are down there doing whatever, Henry and his son are moving up the elevator and Sparrow looks at you and goes, well, father, I wanted to spare you from this, but we're on the express up to the top. So there were a local on an express. What does that mean? It means the ceremony will begin soon. What is the what's up with the ceremony?
Starting point is 00:51:39 Well, you know that the doodler will be summoned when the blood of the unsung hero is spilled, correct? Yes. Well, the thing about unsung heroes is you wouldn't know that the doodler will be summoned when the blood of the unsung hero is spilled, correct? Yes. Well, the thing about unsung heroes is you wouldn't know that they're heroic. So the sheriff and I sort of concocted a plan that I don't think you'll love, that honestly I feel a little bit weird about,
Starting point is 00:51:57 but it's worth it to fight my mortal enemy, the doodler. I create him and I can unmake him. Why? Who is the unsung hero? We don't know. That's sort of the whole thing and as he's saying this the elevator rises to the top of this tower uh which is outside uh it's got like an open it's like you know it's like a fucking video game end of tower thing um standard boss fight standard boss by tower uh you you got some med packs going in and you had all this time to reload your guns while you were like oh there's a save point like three med packs here i wonder if they're preparing time to reload your guns while you were going. There's a save point, like three med packs.
Starting point is 00:52:25 I wonder if they're preparing me. Oh, no, I hit F9 instead of F6. And you see just a shitload of random ass people like poor people, rich people, knights, criminals and stuff like that are just lined up in front of a pool that has a bunch of spikes at the bottom of the pool. And the sheriff, Boreanaz. Yes. in front of a pool that has a bunch of spikes at the bottom of the pool. And the sheriff, Boreanaz, is sitting there waiting. He goes,
Starting point is 00:52:51 ah, one half of you have arrived. Shall we begin, sir? And Sparrow's like, ah, no. I look at Sparrow and I say,
Starting point is 00:53:01 Sparrow, this is insane. You are rowdy boys, but this is, look at what's going on. Those are mothers and fathers and young kids out there. Those are innocent people. I have one question for you. Why do you want to fight the doodlers so bad?
Starting point is 00:53:20 Because in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the topmost pyramid, I've learned a great deal in the schools that you've taken us to. I know. We take you've taken us to. I know. We take you to very good schools. Self-actualization is the pinnacle to which a human can achieve. And me and my brother have wished for so long
Starting point is 00:53:35 to achieve our pinnacle and self-actualize as the strongest boys in the world. You are already the strongest boys in the world. You have such a bond between you that makes you capable of such amazing things. You convinced an entire town of people to worship you. Commit genocide. You're about to commit genocide. There is no need for you to prove your strength.
Starting point is 00:53:58 And the higher strength than the strength of exerting your will on the world through violence is the strength of love. It is the strength of exerting your will on the world through violence is the strength of love, is the strength of compassion and mercy. Those are the values that you must truly attain because it's those values that make you vulnerable. The price of love is fear, fear that you might get hurt, fear that you have to trust in other people. That is true strength. Just violence, just killing people, that's not strength. Roll persuasion with advantage. Ron heard all of this from down the elevator shaft and is crying.
Starting point is 00:54:26 Yeah, same. All right, that's a 13. I'll roll again. Take the higher. 14. And at the end of it, I turn into a wolf. Wait, what? Sorry, what?
Starting point is 00:54:38 As I'm speaking these truths about the universe, a majestic light bathes over my body, about the universe. A majestic light bathes over my body and I transform into a majestic alpha wolf and I make piercing eye contact
Starting point is 00:54:49 with my son. I like that your speech about how violence doesn't matter ends with just in case though. I'm a wolf now. It's just been
Starting point is 00:54:56 a beautiful wolf. Do you know what I mean? Like a hot wolf. A hot wolf. Do we all hear it below? I think we do. Yeah, let's just say it echoes down
Starting point is 00:55:03 through the elevator shaft. Daryl looks at who's the other kid? Lark. And I throw my head back and I go, oh! Listen to your dad, son. He speaks good words. Well, Lark is like, I was almost convinced. I was very close to being convinced.
Starting point is 00:55:16 But I'm not that convinced. And Sparrow is like, I was very close to being convinced. And then you turned into a wolf. And now I'm fully convinced. So Sparrow looks at you and he goes, you are right. The greatest strength is not in violence. It's in loving people and also being a wolf.
Starting point is 00:55:36 So that's going to be my new thing that I'm psyched about. And that's the moment my son became a furry. Yikes. So Sparrow opens his arms and goes in for a hug from his wolf dad. Okay, wolf dad nuzzles his son affectionately. Sparrow's like, weird, fucking weird. Sparrow's like, I'm trying to not think about the fact that you're also technically still naked. But now I'm a naked wolf, and wolves are normally naked.
Starting point is 00:56:02 Yeah, it's less weird. This is good. Could you imagine if you had pants on? It'd be weird to be a wolf with pants. If I was a wolf with pants on, would I have the pants on all four legs or just on the back two legs? This is something you would so see in Beverly Hills, like a wolf with pants. So Boreanaz and his retinue of guards see this nice little hugging moment between father and son. And Boreanaz says,
Starting point is 00:56:25 am I to understand that you no longer wish to summon the doodler, Sparrow? And Sparrow goes, no, I found a new calling. I wish to be a love wolf. And Boreanaz is like, no, that won't do. That won't do at all. But it sounds as if by saving you from the fate of becoming an evil god that your father in many respects is an unsung hero get him and a huge
Starting point is 00:56:56 group of soldiers just charges at your naked wolf form and i do like one of those cute like, and the like record scratch dog head tilt. Say what? More like an unhowled hero. Okay. Freddie can cut that out. Now that you've said that though. If you die, you'll be alright. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson Anthony Birch as our daddy master
Starting point is 00:57:37 Will Campos as Henry Oak Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself Freddie Wong as Glenn Close Theme song by Maxton Waller Get the hottest minivan owners tips and join the episode discussion on our Facebook group at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads. And you can
Starting point is 00:57:52 follow us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads where this week you can see some brand new banner art by Shauna Seikochie. You can find her work at artofoceanfruit.com and on Twitter at Ocean Fruit. Finally, thanks to everybody who's been sharing episodes, leaving iTunes reviews, kidnapping their friends, and secretly playing episodes for them over the Bluetooth in their cars,
Starting point is 00:58:09 even though they don't like podcasts, which is a particularly effective technique. If you do enjoy this podcast, please let a friend know. Leave us a review on iTunes, or even just drop us a line on our Twitter or Facebook. Anything is always appreciated. Next episode's coming at you March 26th, so we will see you then.
Starting point is 00:58:27 There was a time when you could read between the lines, you know they never brought you down. Never brought you down. I had a psychopath friend who once took the entire, like the puck of bubble tape out and ate it, like, taking a bite out of the side of a hockey puck. Did he at least not swallow it?
Starting point is 00:58:50 No, no, he chewed it. He was like, this is how I bubble tape. Well, that's obscene. At least he didn't swallow it, but that's still obscene. That is a crime. Yeah, he's in prison now. Not only have I done it, I was swallowed. Why?
Starting point is 00:59:01 I just... You're a monster. Swallowed gum? Listen, I was at camp in Missouri, and that's what you do. I swallowed gum, like, now. What are you guys talking about? That's bad. That's like rubber in your tummy.
Starting point is 00:59:12 It's one job. You have one job with gum, and it's don't swallow it.

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