Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 40 - Rules for Dadtastic Medieval Wargames

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

The dads enter the underground hatch and get transported into a whole 'nother role playing game system!The Rocks Rock EP! https://store.dftba.com/collections/all/products/rocks-rock-ep-digital-downloadThis episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, and drug/alcohol use.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. To the old man Henry's anchor there we will find But he must first learn his family's tale Through the hatch as a homunculi I would help him but I simply can't I will not be anesthetized For modern dentistry is a sham See the luxury cars they drive I will stay back with Pharaoh and Spar

Fear not for your beautiful sons Go brave the dungeon unknown and dark They can't stop me while I have this gun Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a loose Dungeons and Dragons podcast, and for once, more of a Dungeons and Dragons podcast, as you will come to see. podcast and for once more of a Dungeons and Dragons podcast as you will come to see about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close. Now here's where we are in the story. We're hanging out with a bunch of hippies who are into vegetarianism and not eating meat. So I thought that there'd be a good time to talk a little bit about glenn's gustatory habits glenn's favorite vegetable is deep fried nice deep fried vegetables freddy i feel like you're

chomping henry's flavor with these reversal on the favorite blank oh i'm sorry is that a trademark oh sorry one second guys i have a motorcycle gang literally i thought that was like the wind or something that was me growling in disapproval at fred guys. I have a motorcycle gang literally pulling up. I thought that was like the wind or something. That was me growling in disapproval at Freddie's death. Sorry, this motorcycle gang thinks I'm so cool. They want to come. They keep trying to indict me in the game. Keep trying to hang out with me, man. I'll ask if you join.

There's one on the window. Deep fried any vegetables. So number one on the list, fries, French fries. That's a vegetable. That's a vegetable. You know what it is? It's like a reverse Henry fact. Yeah. It goes exactly where you think it'll go it goes to the opposite zag from whatever henry's dad fact would be i love it i love it i'm here for it i want more weird glenn facts deep fried vegetables that's what glenn's got this week to any vegetable like yes any vegetable any vegetables

made better by deep frying anything deep fried good. I haven't had anything deep fried that doesn't taste good. Even candies. Even Oreos taste good deep fried. I remember when I had that deep fried Oreo at Lake Arrowhead, and it was okay. Yeah. It was fine. It was fine. You know what?

Oreos are already perfect. They don't taste better once they're fried. No, that's like putting a top hat on a top hat, you know? Like, what are you doing? It's like putting a top hat on a top hat you know like what are you doing putting a top hat on the mona lisa literally too arousing all right my name is matt arnold a real dad playing yep that's right playing a dad named daryl wil, who is a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian when he enters the Forgotten Realms. Little dad fact about Daryl. So it's been a while since we've heard about his home brewing.

The last beer Daryl made before he lost everything and got sucked into the Forgotten Realms is he's going ambitious here. He made a barley wine. A barley wine? What is he, at a Renaissance fair orgy? What is that about. He made a barley wine. A barley wine? What is he, at a renaissance fair orgy? What is that about? It's a barley wine, and it's called Access with a picture of Grant, E.D. So it's Access Granted,

and he's going to age it for 10 years so that he can have it when he's 21. That's fun. Aw, that's super sweet. Right now, he's got 21 spots on the label, and he's been putting a picture. Every birthday, he's going to add another picture to the bottle, and he's going to give it to him when he's 21.

I can't wait for Grant to pretend that's his first time drinking when Daryl is 21. Here you go, son, your first sip of alcohol. Hi, I'm Will. I play Henry Oak, Birkenstock Rockin', Granola Munchin', Hippie Nature, Crunchy M munchie druid dad from the forgotten realms oh hey a little extra splishy splash on there for you a little dash of henry right there just uh adding to the uh to the rhythm of it a little wap no dig that up please a little wap is that what you just said he's a splishy splash i'm sorry sorry. Henry thinks that WAP means welcome, accepting peacefulness.

Damn it. I thought about doing a WAP. Henry's dad fact this week is, I think it's time for me to reveal something about Henry, which is why he hates horses. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. As you can tell in Oakvale, they've got like a naming convention. It's like a name of an animal and then Re-Oak, right?

Like that's like Bear Re-Oak or Henry Oak. They do pronounce it Bar, which means I think that's all the- I don't know what that's about. I feel like Anthony's going to blackjack us with some weird twist with what's going on there. Oh, yeah, sure. It's a part of an amazing plan I have and not just the fact that I forgot that they were all animal names the first time you came to the fucking- Henry's tormentor as a kid his bully as a kid

was another kid in the commune named horse uh rather named a horse horsey oak so horsey oak used to bully henry around and he wants wait it's re right no no no it's horsey oak and i'll explain why it's because okay reoak means you're from oakvale where sea oak means you're from like the suburbs outside of uh oakvale and then bcc oak means that they can't tell whether or not you're in horsey his name is his name was poor c oak whore c oak is what i'm hearing no horsey it's damn it no don't take this from me. His name is Horsey Oak. His name is Horsey Oak. I was going to do a whole joke about how he's from the valley outside of Oakvale

and it was going to be a valley reference. It was going to be a funny L.A. joke, but you guys ruined it. By turning it into a joke for everyone. Now, I hate horses because you ruined my day. This doesn't make sense. This does not make sense. No, no, no, no, no. Why does it not make sense, Freddie?

Just because someone is named the name horse doesn't mean you hate four-legged animals with long faces. No, it's just that when Henry came to our world and forgot his past, he had a low-key suspicion and tension around the word horse. It was like a traumatic thing for him. Yep. You know, Freddie, if you ever have like a child and you begin to name a child, what you'll discover is that you can't name your kid anybody the name of anybody you've ever disliked in your

entire life so you'll find you and your partner like exchanging names and then be like no not that one that person i hated like in elementary school so i get it i kind of feel like a horsey oak was also he was like a teen druid and would turn into a horse. Teen druid! That's the name. That's it. That's the new series. Teen druids. Literally, that's Animorphs. That's literally Animorphs. It's a real shame that you came up with the best possible character and it's not one we're playing. So Horsey Oak was like a mean teen who would turn into

a horse and shit on Henry's bed and stuff like that. I fucking love Horsey Oak. Anthony, you know who's going to show up in this episode now. Anthony, I just tossed you the fucking keys to this Ferrari, so anytime you want. No, the problem is you tossed me a villain that's better than the current villain we have. The reins to the horse.

That's got some fucking Thanos killing Loki energy. Oh, are you kidding? It would be incredible if Barry's newest fun partner that that he like essentially his adopted son is Horsey. His adopted son. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week, and it relates to last week's episode or whatever week. I don't I've lost all sense of time in 2020 that Ron himself had a pet rock as a child, just as Ron was the pet rock to Henry recently.

But Ron's father would not let him take any pets inside the house. No pets in the house. So Ron had to leave his rock outside among the other rocks. And he forgot which rock was his that's really good yeah that's very good what did he do did he just move on with his life you keep looking i think he kept looking i think it was there was some sort of like when your mom tells you oh yeah he went to go play in the hamster coop with the other hamsters and you ran away to the garden or something. Do you think your dad knew what rocket was,

walked outside and chucked the rock to make sure he never finally knew? Oh my gosh, I hadn't even considered that. Dang, what a villain. I feel like, yeah, I'm not at liberty to say because Ron would not have even considered that, but like, low-key, yeah, bro. Hi, I'm Anthony Birch,

your referee for this episode. Oh, I was going to make a referee joke. Oh, man. Hey, Anthony, sick reference. Yes. Wait, reference to what? Dungeons and Dragons 1, they're called referees. They're not called dungeon masters.

They're called referees. It's like they wanted it to be a sport. My ref... This is going to be the first eSport. Guy Gax was like, what if there was a way to stream this? We could make it an eSport. You hard cut back to a girl saying like, I only date guys who are into sports. And then his fist tightening in anger.

I'll show you a sport. We have a referee too. That's not what I'm most impressed about. So these last couple of weeks, we had our Patreon one-shots that we did. So basically, if you're an elite member of our Patreon, you can choose to be in a one-shot in the Dungeons & Daddies universe that I will DM

for you. Last time we did that, I was like, hey, whatever if you want to create an item, I'll give it to the daddies in the real game, and then they'll use it. And I can't use that as a reward anymore because you guys have completely forgotten about the sort of pocket sand. So everybody's like, we don't want that. a reward anymore because you guys have completely forgotten about the sort of pocket sand. So everybody's like, we don't want that. And I was like, okay.

So what happened with the- Sorry, everybody. I ran into the same session. It was really fun because I got two completely different experiences. One, we went through and it was really cute and they did the puzzles and had little fun adventures and all that kind of stuff and it was great. The other group, it was four people

and this is how they introduced themselves to me. They went, hi, I'm so-and-so. I look like this and I'm the bard of the group. Second person went, hi, I'm so-and-so. I look like this, and I'm the bard of the group. Second person went, hi, I'm so-and-so. I look like this, and I'm the bard of the group. Hi, I'm so-and-so. I look like this, and I'm the bard of the group. It was four bards.

One of them had the ability to, he literally could not mathematically make a persuasion roll less than 21. It was impossible. He min-maxed. He min-maxed. He min-maxed. Get out was impossible he min max so hard they didn't do a single fucking puzzle that i put in front of them not a single combat they saw what you guys were doing on the podcast but that's child's play obviated everything for you're gonna message this person and get those hints yeah the thing is because of the stuff that they accomplished in those there may be a couple of moments where

you see something like what the hell is that that hasn't been set up and i will explain in the moment or maybe you'll just be able to figure it out that those are going to be small references to items or things or very weird stuff that happened the events of those one shots where walter got kidnapped and the kids hired some like mercenaries to go rescue them or bards so uh basically you may see some odd Larkin Sparrow-centric stuff that's going to sound like I completely ruined Larkin Sparrow's story.

I promise you, it's not what it sounds like. Everything will be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. I feel like you're the person at the meeting or whatever who is presenting your own ideas

as if they're somebody else's. So that like, oh yeah, my boss, he came up with this great, you might think it's pretty dumb. My high girlfriend who lives in Canada thinks that this is a really good thing we should do. You know, I thought it was pretty dumb at first.

My boss, he's like fucking smart, thought that this is what we should do. To be fair, none of these references sound any more niche than the kind of dumb LA shit I've been dropping lately. So, all right, let's jump into the real wild world of Dungeons & Dragons 1.0. So to summarize what happened last episode, it was put to Henry that if he can go into the end of a particular dungeon that's in the town of Oakvale, he'll understand stuff about his past and why he'll want to stay in Oakvale and all this kind of stuff. The catch is the dungeon itself holds time within it so that anybody who steps into it immediately ages. And so the only way that you can get in safely is by putting your consciousness into a homunculus and then the homunculus can go in in your stead.

The dungeon is governed by the rules of D&D 1.0. All of you agreed that you would go in with the exception of Glenn, who never even gets unconscious for wisdom teeth removal. And he and... By the way, that came out. I saw nary a fucking peep from anybody with DDS at the end of their name. I think they fucking know that I'm onto them. I'm onto them.

Fucking liars. Wisdom teeth thieves. Steal my wisdom teeth. Somehow it does not surprise me that dentists don't listen to this podcast. I don't know why, but it makes sense. So the plan, I believe, was thatenn is going to stay outside along with the lord of chaos yes yes okay so uh when we last left you canary had basically turned around produced a die that was the wrong shape uh for the kind of characters you'd be rolling already off to a good start she produced the d20 when she should have produced three separate d6s yeah um and said

let's roll your characters. So, the question, first of all, is you guys have already built your characters out before we started. What do your homunculi look like? Because the scenario goes, I could just make them look like you. They could just look identical if you want. Or, would you want to be taller, like a little bit more buff? Do you want to have a fun mustache?

We can be whatever we want. Yeah, whatever you want. I mean, as long as it's basically the same, you know, six foot by two foot sort of humanoid shape. Dan Marino. I don't know what that is. Don't worry about it, but I'm, yep. Perfect. Sorry, what are you, how is this working, Daryl?

Do you like ghost go behind her and like move her hands over the... To sculpt Dan Marino. The mud man who sculpted Dan Marino. Yes, yes, this is exactly what happens. Oh, you have to craft it, craft it canary yeah she took a bunch of mud out of the ground and is basically shaping it with her hands like and she's an amazing sculptor first she basically makes the figures of all of you and then asks like hey do you want any you know do you want something special and i presume you you go behind her and turn yourself a damn marino think about the most beautiful man that's ever lived with the heart of an eagle and the brain of a dolphin

yeah well nothing pretty much the opposite of ron daryl that's not okay that's negative oh sorry i mean you're beautiful in your own way but i would say in most ways damry no it's actually pretty close to the opposite of you you got mustache he doesn't You're pretty short. He's pretty tall. He's very beautiful. You're great. You're a great guy.

Keep talking, Daryl. My homunculus is going to kick your homunculus's ass. Not possible, Ron. We'll see about that. Okay, so. Canary, can I go next? Yes, please. Okay, I would like to be six feet tall or even taller.

Very, very tall. Not a problem. And then I would also like to be a dog. A big dog, but not a too big dog, because I want to be a big dog, but a big dog that could still go and sit on people's laps. Okay, so I could make you six foot tall

when you pop up onto your hind legs. Yes, okay. What kind of dog are we talking about? Oh, I don't know. There's so many that are, I really like sort of poodle-y things or maybe a shepherd-y thing. Some sort of gentle, soft dog with kind eyes. And my name will be Sparky. And I will love giving kisses and going for car rides.

So that. Perfect. So for the first time in history, somebody ethically manages to create a combination of the different dog traits that you mentioned. And the exact dog that you just described now sits before you and is, it's like. And it's Dan Marino. Yeah, it looks just like Dan Marino. It's weird.

She just makes Dan Marino again. Like a dog? No, she makes an adorable dog. She doesn't make a like Dan Marino. It's weird. She just makes Dan Marino again. With like a dog? No, she makes an adorable dog. She doesn't make a second Dan Marino. I would like to, you know, I feel like I kind of just want to be myself in there. But could you give me like cool elf ears? I've always wanted to see what I would look like with cool elf ears, you know? And like maybe give me a look like without glasses.

Because, you know, like I like how I look with my my glasses on but maybe on the other side i cannot have glasses the moment you say elf ears daryl flashes back to ron licking the elf ears and he does like he like he kind of shivers a little bit and steps just a little bit farther away from rod well wait a second when did ron lick elf ears yeah when did i in the bdsmM podcast. In the BDSM episode. Oh. Thank you, Beth. That's what sex was. She makes a version of Henry. She like pulls on the frames of the glasses

made of mud that she's done and like morphs them into ears, basically. Fuck, Canary, you're really talented at this. Have you studied pottery? The conservation of matter, dude. Fuck.

No, it's just the hobby mind and you know, if you do what you love, you'd never work a day in your life. We don't work here anyway. It's a double joke. It's a joke on a joke. Oh, it's just the hobby mind. And, you know, if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. We don't work here anyway. It's a double joke. It's a joke on a joke. Oh, it's like a post-job society.

Hey, Peyton, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who are you going to be? Well, I think you literally can't be more intimidating than this, he says, pointing at himself. So I think just make me again. And so as she's beginning to do that, she goes, I'm getting weird old energy from you. That's right. And she goes over and she touches him and she pokes him in a very particular way.

And you've seen him get, you know, bruised before. You've seen him get cuts and all that kind of stuff. But when she pokes into him, his skin depresses just like it's mud. It's like, whoa. What the hell is that? What are you doing? Oh, you're already one of you. OK, so Barry probably already made you.

I guess you look like you're a Barry look original. He goes, i don't know what you're talking about baby yeah yeah no i can see his little uh his maker's mark kind of thing right there above your your left eyebrow there's a little little tiny dot there that's a barry special barry made this barry made payden what oh all right hold on he's taught me how to do homunculi okay so now payden is daryl's dad, my brother, Ron's brother. It's not Ron's brother. He is my brother. Last time. No, Ron.

So Ron and I are brothers. Yeah. And that means we're also Daryl's uncle? No, I'm your dad. You're my, no. I'm your dad. Both of your dads. No, Payton.

My dad's in you. Everyone's dad. Everyone is my child. Or you're in my dad. I'm not quite sure how it works everyone say daddy i'm the uncle of your dad and uh we are family all i know is that barry's got some explaining to do when we're done with this okay but what does that mean canary can he come with us yeah but it seems like it's real dangerous in there you know like

you only get one shot you know with this kind of not miss your opportunity i don't want to you know but i just like it'd be one thing if we were sending in like an avatar of payton you know like on with everyone else's avatars but i don't like if none of us are really risking our lives i don't know if pain should risk his life yeah is he gonna get hurt down there is he gonna get hurt i mean if he does go down there and he gets hurt and his soul gets ejected from his homunculus, yeah, it can't go back into one. I mean, but he's like a kid, right? He's got a body somewhere that his soul could just go back to, right?

We don't know that. Oh, that's dark. We thought he was just created as like a vessel to hold, you know, other stuff. That doesn't sound like something Barry would do. That sounds kind of cruel. But I assumed that he was going to be a kid's, it was like, like this. She points at Dan Marino and then she points at Daryl. I assumed there was just like an uglier version of this man running around somewhere. I mean, you're not lying. You're not lying. I'm just staring at

Dan Marino. I'm just like, not lying. But no, I, yeah, I suppose if something bad happens to Peyton in there, then yeah, I guess his soul will just sort of dissipate into the ether i mean whoa it's like i mean i've always been living like i only have one life to live anyway this ain't no different for the dog so i don't know what to tell you dad huddle excuse us payton i don't i don't think payton should go in there i yeah it's a little dangerous that's a little rowdy it does seem like payton buddy i think you might have to sit this one out i think it's a little oh my god you would ever let me do it none of us will get hurt if we're in there fine i'll guard the children again yes he says gesturing at glenn and the lord of chaos yes okay i guess i'll just be the three of us oh all right jeez louise so canary goes all right are you ready to change clothes as it were oh we've gone through a lot

of crazy stuff gang and i just want to say like this is gonna be a trippy one and i really appreciate my fellow dads helping me out with this and i know this is gonna be really scary so we're here for you man all right hey and do you mind and frank can i just get like yo just like be safe out here and like watch watch out for glenn can i get a hug yep yep come here hug your daddy hug to daddy okay uh all right i'll give him big bear hug all right he goes big bear hug and he tries to squeeze you as hard as he possibly can, but you're squeezing him far harder. And he goes like, yeah, you can't breathe. And quick secret for Lark and Sparrow, just, just threaten them with boredom. I like it.

And Glenn, just don't do anything he says. Not a problem. Okay. Why start now? Okay. Henry tearfully turns to his beautiful boys and says, Lord of Chaos. Yes. I'll see you on the other side of this and be a very good Lord of Chaos until I get back.

We are both going to spend the next 10 seconds pretending that we're not hoping you're going to get into terrible danger from which we have to save you. So in that 10 seconds, we could say all men are a very sweet thing about how much you mean to us as a father, but know that we are secretly wishing for you to get into peril. That hurts my feelings, but we'll talk about that when I get back. The ten seconds are up. We hope you die. Come on. You don't mean that. I'm your old man. Of course not. We don't want you to die. We want you

to get very close, and then we, the Lord of Chaos, will run in as the true hero that we always knew we could be. We gotta talk about how you guys are still watching action movies. I thought we banned those. I don't know how you're still seeing those. They're like all of the Grey's Anatomy audience. Oh, we don't want them to die.

We want them to get really close. That's it. No more Grey's Anatomy. No, we love Grey's Anatomy. Patrick Dempsey. So Canary goes, all right, who'd like to be first? I'll go first. Henry steps forward.

So she walks over to you and she goes, boop, and puts a hand on your nose and then puts another hand on the nose of the Henry Oak Homunculus of the Homunculus Oak. And she goes, and a one, and a two, and a... And does a little... Very mystical spell. Yeah, does a little explosion with her hands.

And the last thing you see before everything goes dark for a second is her hand on your nose and then beyond her, a version of you with no glasses and an elf ears. Everything goes dark and when everything comes back,

you're looking at sort of a mirror image of the same thing, but this version of you has glasses and no elf ears. And you can just feel that you are different, that you are inside a different body. Yes. May I tell you about that beautiful body that I am now in?

If you phrase it differently. As Henry comes online, he feels in his bones that he is Yurne, which is Henry backwards. It doesn't sound like urine. He is a level one magic user elf, and if are an elf you gain the following benefits in dungeons and dragons 1.0 that's why i asked for those elf ears elves are more able to note secret and hidden doors able to locate secret passages on a roll of one to four at the referee's option elves may be allowed the chance to sense any secret door they pass a one or a two indicating that they may become aware

that something is there. Also, elves have the ability of moving silently and are nearly invisible in their gray-green cloaks. Delightful. Cool. I want to go. Canary puts her hands on your nose and then on Dan Marino's nose,

and she goes, I put my hand on Dan Marino's nose also. Because that won't make it work. It means you'll just go back into yourself. Okay, sorry. Very good. She goes, one, two, and all of a sudden, you're no longer looking at Dan Marino.

You are looking at Daryl, who is kind of just, I probably should have mentioned this with Henry too, but like, he's just sort of standing there with a blank look on his face. Like he's kind of sleep walking. Like his eyes are still open, but there's nobody home. Oh, as Daryl appears in dan marino's body uh he looks around he cannot believe it he goes hey buddy i'm dan marino nice to meet you

and he puts his hands out to daryl he goes ah just kidding okay if you put your hand out to daryl the daryl falls over that's gonna hurt that's gonna hurt my back you can't touch yourself in dnd one so i did a random character generator and one of the things that randomly generated was i have a missing limb so i kind of want to stick with that okay you know one way he could lose his arm is that he can like go for the handshake and then like daryl even though nothing's home the muscle memory is still there and goes for the handshake and it rips his arm off rips off your arm that's good that's cool and then when that happens yes daryl just comes with this dope backstory where it's just like yeah it's like furiosa meets rookie of the year he's just been working on this

one arm so strong he's the farthest thrower he gets his arm ripped off you turn to the others to go okay the backstory of why i lost my arm when everyone watched it happen yep daryl's getting really into this my character has been training his entire life with this super arm rookie of the year style to become the best thrower of like magical daggers. But they're like footballs. Like pretty much. I'm like throwing footballs with their daggers. Magic daggers.

Cool. And that's just Ron's turn, right? Ron, come on in here. The water's warm. Or fine. I forget what the saying is. The water's warm. The water's warm means you peed in it.

Yeah. Okay, I'm ready. That too. All right. Canary puts her hands on your nose, then her hands on the doggie's nose. And she Okay, I'm ready. That too. All right. Canary puts her hands on your nose, then her hands on the doggy's nose. Aw. And she goes, one, two, whoop.

And suddenly you're looking at Ron's crotch. Oh my gosh, what a handsome boy. I'm gonna sniff it. It smells trustworthy. Ron, stop. Oh, I'm sorry. Hey guys, I'm really happy to see everybody. I've never been this happy to see anybody in my life.

I'm so happy to see you all. Mark and Sparrow immediately come over and they go, can we pet you? Please do. I love that. And they go, yay! And they just, four hands are just like running up and down you and scratching you and having a grand old time. And Peyton's like, it's a good boy.

While we're here and while I'm being such a good boy, I should tell you that I am a fighter and, uh. Yes, you are. Let's being such a good boy, I should tell you that I am a fighter and a... Yes, you are. A C. Yes. Yes, I am. I am. I have a lot of equipment, but none of it really makes sense for a dog to have.

But I will say that I have a plate armor. But it moves so that I only use it on my little doggy chest because otherwise people couldn't pet me. If a dog had plate armor, would you wear it like this or like this? Honestly, the idea of like a terrier poodle mix with plate armor is very fucking cute. It's like a war group. Like a little vest? Yes,

it's like war group. Yeah, the vest thing. Yeah, it's so good. Oh my gosh. Okay. You can walk into the dungeon if you so wish. How strong are the homunculus's oh yeah how many hp does each homunculus have oh so this is what i was gonna say dungeons and dragons 1.0 for all of you don't know is very scary and almost certainly we're all gonna die immediately so i was thinking it would be fun to not reveal how much hp we all have until we are about to get hit okay okay hey glenn yeah our bodies and put them somewhere. Yeah.

Do you have like a dolly or something? Canary? We have a dolly in the form of the helping hands of the community, but we have a boditorium that we can put you in to rest your bodies until we can put your souls back inside. We call them the helpful Honda people. Hey, don't worry, fellas. I got your meat bags right here.

I'm going to take care of them. Canary calls over some folks and some of the Reoak gang. Fireman's carry your bodies away to a small hut that looks to be relatively comfortable. There's a fair few other just unconscious people here. Hey, Henry, sorry, what was your name again? Rien? Call me Urine. Urine.

Hey, Urine. Yeah. It sounds like urine. Maybe just call me Henry. All right, Henry. You know, I'm in the de facto QB of this group, and now I'm like the literal QB, but this is your time. you're an end yeah it sounds like you're in maybe just call me henry all right henry you know i'm in the de facto qb of this group and now i'm like the literal qb but this is your time so i'm just saying that you're the qb so like i'm more like the running back i'm like ward marino i'm like

this running back like doppelganger it's all cool anyways i'm saying like whatever you want i'm here for you yeah hey man i appreciate that thank you um yeah i'm a little freaked out i'm still pretty nervous about what we're gonna find in this mystery hatch but i'm glad you're having fun with it daryl you know like it's important to find joy and awareness and you know bliss even in dark scary moments so you know i think your embracing of this dan marino persona like it reminds me that even though i'm about to descend into a psychological nightmare so to speak and we find out horrors and things about myself maybe i'm not ready to know you know maybe i could still have fun with it so you know i realize i've been taking this maybe not so seriously for you oh oh yeah no man i'm sorry i'm not saying that wasn't like a

you know i'm just saying no i know i know but it's just hard to be that sad when you got such a good boy here with us i start shaking ron's ears i can shake just like Daryl can. See, I hold up my paw. Can you? And I lift my hand out. We're never going in this dungeon, are we? Alright, let's go. Let's go. So before we go, I just want to make one quick correction. So the three possible character classes in D&D 1.0

are in descending order of how good they are named. A, Cleric, B, Magic User, and C, it's not Fighter, although the website that you guys use to make your characters calls it point oh are in descending order of how good they are named a cleric be magic user and see it's not fighter although the website that you guys used to make your characters calls a fighter the official name for this character classes fighting man I am a fighting dog

so you are a fighting dog we have to donate to the dog who's a fighting man that's less weird right. You're a dog who's a fighting man. That's less weird, right? Yeah, I'm a dog who fights a man. This summer, DreamWorks presents. Glenn, from your perspective, you see a very large dog,

slightly more attractive Henry, and Daniel Marino descending a hatch into a dungeon beyond the door of which you know not what lies and as i see them walk down i pull out a doobie and i light up that spliff oh my god i spark my lighter i light up that split take a deep drag and i go it's time to rock and roll baby what does that mean what do you do i was so relieved you didn't pull out your gun and then I

now I'm even more scared I was also so relieved of the idea that like Freddy was just gonna sit out this episode I'm kidding that is so mean that is so mean

wow no kidding I'm kidding Daryl's been mean this episode mean Daryl that's what I thought for a second

the way Anthony was just going on I was like oh I guess I guess Freddy's just I guess Freddy's just back there also I feel like Canaryary be like yo give me a hint of that are we gonna oh my god this is like actually this is great enough to share with the class this is the love story that i'm here for oh word canary word okay all right okay you gotta be careful there's some there's some dank uh i think i know i think i know what day i live in a forest okay

i passed the doobie over to her, but as she holds her hand, I drop it accidentally into her palm. Into her palm. Okay. So she goes, ah, and she reached out to catch it.

Her reflexes are pretty good. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Almost dropped it there. Don't drop. Don't drop the doob. Sorry.

Did I get you? Are you okay? Like it was lit. Yeah. No, I mean, I heard a little bit, but like,

I'm sorry. Shoot. My bad. My bad. That's hella harsh in the vibe. My bad. My bad. My bad. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool. It the vibe. My bad. My bad. My bad.

Yeah. Yeah. It's cool. It's cool. Does she take a righteous drag? Yes. She takes a righteous drag. Earn that explicit tag on iTunes, baby.

What are the kids doing? So I think that it's taken Glenn four seconds to start smoking weed in front of my children. Thanks, Glenn. Canary takes a big old hit off of the joint and is like, oh, that's good. That's good. And then the Lord of Chaos puts out his hand and goes, me next, Glenn. Canary takes a big old hit off of the joint and is like, Oh, that's good. That's good. And then the Lord of Chaos puts out its hand and goes, Me next, please. Me next.

It's my turn. And she goes, Yeah, no problem. And like begins to like. Glenn's going to intercept. Glenn's going to intercept. Roll dexterity. This is the best dexterity roll. Yeah, never come back to us.

Yeah, this is great. Yeah, we'll just cut to you guys having done the dungeon already. Nine plus three, twelve. Are you fucking kidding me fucking kidding me okay i gotta give her a roll now okay so she goes oh no bogarting and she like dodges your hand out of the air like a fucking kung fu move and then hands it to the lord of chaos and lord of chaos grabs and goes yay and and it's just like holding in his hand going i'm an adult hey i'm an adult chaos here's how you do it you blow out on it to get the smoke to go blow out sounds about right and uh the lord of chaos puts the weed up to its hood and then some smoke just goes in

the wrong direction they go oh yeah that's some good stuff that's some good oh wait just a second wait a second just a second and then the lord of chaos puts it down to their crotch and then the same thing happens again. Oh, no. Yeah, that's right. Why don't you pass that back? No problem. I loved it. That was so good, and he gives it back to you.

It's like, oh, it's like I'm flying. Nice. It's like I'm flying with my brother. Nice. Somebody in the circle put the joint to their crotch, and then handed it to him. He's like, yo, are you okay? Like, I don't want that.

Kaderi's like, wow, that's a whole thing. Yeah. Well, Glenn, you tried. Wow, that's a whole thing. Yeah. Well, Glenn, you tried. So you descend down into the hatch, and there is a stairwell that slowly gets darker the further down you get,

and there is a door at the end of the stairwell that is closed. I open it. Okay, so... Oh, and then I'm about to open it, and then I stop and go, Wait, Henry, I forgot. Your time to shine, baby.

And I take a step back. Okay. QB. Okay, thanks, Daryl. You got two options. You can either open it or close it, or keep it closed. No other options. Thanks for letting me know the play, Daryl.

I appreciate that. Henry looks at the door. What is he like? Tell me about this door. It is definitely not a Forgotten Realms door. It's not your typical tavern wooden thing with a little adorable gold filigree. No, this is an earth door. It's a Dharma Initiative door.

Yes, it is closer to a Dharma Initiative door than it is to a, like, Welcome to the Magic Tavern-ass door. It looks old. It looks like it's been overgrown a little bit. It looks like when you open it, it's probably going to squeak a little bit because of the elements sort of hitting it over the course of many years. Looks like when you open it, it's probably going to squeak a little bit because of the elements sort of hitting it

over the course of many years. Can you hear anything behind it, Henry? I put my ear up to the door. There we go. That's what I was hoping you would do. I believe when you listen in this, so I'm basically trying to like speed find the different rules for D&D 1.0

in this 80 page document. And they're not that well written. But my understanding is that when you listen, you just hear whatever is on the other side if you're being careful enough to do so. That's good. Usually your hearing doesn't fluctuate over time. It's kind of, you hear it or you don't.

Roll to see if your ears are good. What about my dog ears? What if I put my dog ears up against it? And then I scratch at the door a little bit and I go. Oh, it's very cute. It's gonna be bad when you fucking die. Yeah. So Henry hears some shuffling on the other end of the door.

It sounds like the shuffling of one creature. And then you don't hear anything else because you hear the sound of Ron's adorable claws clawing on the door. I hold up a finger and I go, I think there's one guy in there. Let's just be real careful. Okay, everyone. Okay. Oh, wait, actually, I have something for this. And then Henry reaches into his bag so i

rolled 110 gold points and then i bought pretty much one of everything so uh henry takes a step back and pulls from his bag a 10 foot pole and uh he says everyone get behind me and then i use the pole to push the door open while he's doing that i'm preparing my cool death ray daggers or whatever they're called death ray debt what well i have death ray or poison is that a level um that is not a level one magic user spell excuse me i see what you're saying no no the thing on your character sheet that says death ray or poison 11 is that what you're referring to right next to your hp yeah that's your saving throw that's your saving throw for somebody death ray or poisons you oh okay but instead of daggers can i have spiky footballs like blood like i don't know matt how do you fucking spend your gold well i have i have a dagger so i'm saying i want instead of a dagger

yes yes not a problem i have a quiver of 20 arrows as a dog very cute me and and Beth did random. This is why. I have one week of rations also, so. You'll be all set. I'm nervously eating and I'm holding

my spiky football up. You're eating your way through two days of rations while looking in this door. I have one week of iron rations. Is that like a vitamin or like actual?

They got more fiber in them. Okay. It's special K. Okay, so. That's the cereal, right? Or is that the drug? Special K. It's both. Both, baby. Oh, do they name the drug after the cereal? Not the other, so. That's the cereal, right? Or is that the drug? Special K. It's both.

Both, baby. Oh, do they name the drug after the cereal, not the other way around? They name the cereal after the drug. You chase one with the other for a complete breakfast. I had my ketamine pops this morning. They were great. Gotta have my pops.

Once you pop again, stop. Face down in a cereal bowl. Oh, dark. So with your 10-foot pole, you push open the door, and you can see the shadow of the figure walking around in there. It seems to be humanoid. Again, there only seems to be one of them, and it seems to be moving relatively slowly, kind of ambling about.

I say, hail and well met, fellow traveler. Be he friend or foe. So the figure stops, and then it turns toward the stairwell and then starts walking. As it's walking, we still can't see it until it gets closer, right? So as it's going, I toss. I have six torches for some reason because it's random. I toss my torches in through the door slot. So it's hopefully illuminating him.

Use that damn Reno throw to light him up. So you throw a torch in. So that means as it gets close to the door, you can see that it appears to be a normal human being, except its clothes are torn, flesh is rotting off of its face. Zombie. It's wearing like a Newsies hat. You hate to see it.

It looks like Christian Bale. It's a Bill Pullman. It looks like Christian Bale. It raises its finger at you and it goes, and it starts walking up the stairs at you. It's a fairly narrow stairway. So there's not really space to move around it. You can either attack it,

try to push through it or move back up the stairway. Like, what do you want to do? I poke it with the 10 foot pole. Nice. Like to kind of scoot it to the side. Like I'm trying to shuffle it away from us or like maybe just like, I'm just poking it to try to hold it back.

I'm like, oh, there's a zombie coming towards us. What should we do? What should we do? If you want to like pin it up against the side with the pole, you could do that. But this is a very temporary solution. Yo, push it up and I hold my spiked ball and I'll just smash his head in a bunch. Okay, that's a great idea. I try to pin the zombie to the wall with the 10-foot pole so Daryl can get a clean hit on it with the football.

All right, give me an attack roll. So I can just tell you the zombie's AC is seven. So you have to roll a 12 or above. Okay, I got a 13. The zombie is pinned. Daryl, go ahead and give me an attack as well. Do I get some sort of like an advantage, but is there any benefit for him pinning him?

No, it just means he's not gonna be able to counterattack. That is not gonna be able to deliver the paper. Nice. I rolled an eight. So with an eight, you miss. Your Dan Marino throwing arm betrays you. Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe the zombie just gets lucky

and dodges out of the way at the last moment. But it's still pinned, and presumably it's going to stay there. Actually, why don't we get a strength roll from Henry? Uh-oh, how do I do that? Boy, I wish I knew. Roll 1d6 for every level or hit dice that you have. Okay, so I have one hit dice,

because we're level one, right? Yeah, correct. Okay, I got a four. All right, so it's going to roll one hit dice, and we're going to see if it's higher or lower. One. Okay, so it's still pinned. All right.

So Ron, it's your turn now. Okay. I mean, okay. That's happy dog, Ron. Ron, do something! I roll over. And then I look at the zombie, and I would like to rip its throat out with my muzzle.

Nice. So is that going to be an unarmed attack, or are you attacking it with like a doggy weapon, or do you have a weapon? I mean, my teeth are kind of a doggy weapon. I feel like that's like a dagger or something. Yeah, it feels like a dagger recently. Short range.

So go ahead and roll a d20 and try to get a 12 or higher. Okay. Try real hard, Beth. I'm going to try. Ooh, I got a 17. Okay, great. You lunge at this thing and bite into its zombie neck. Now roll a d6 of damage.

I growl really quick, though. Grr, grr. Fantastic. And then I'm going to roll one. Take a little nibble. I get to roll a hit dice to see how much health it has at all. So let's see.

Okay, so you've done half of its total life damage to it. Good boy, Ron. Bark, bark. Once again, it's back up to Henry. Henry is going to, I'm 10 feet away from it, so I'm just going to keep

pinning it to the wall so my friends can keep going. So what do I, is that an attack roll or a strength roll? No, I think you just do it because on its turn, it's going to try to resist and get away from you. So I think you're just good. And that was Daryl again. All right. I'm not going to miss this time.

And I raise the spiked football and I bring it down on its head. Okay, cool. Go ahead and roll a d20. Got a three. Okay. I feel like what's happening is the tip of the football doesn't have spikes on it, so I'm just booping it on the head

with a soft bar of the football. Yeah, so it's boink, and just bounces off the top of its head. So it's going to go ahead and roll a d6 for its hit dice, and now, Henry, you're going to do the same. Okay, I got a three. All right, it got a two, so it's still held. Ha ha!

Now it's Ron's's turn you know what let's just go for the old bark bark throat rip again you know why not why not let's just do it yeah all right so i'm gonna roll this i got 16 okay you bite it again and uh this time you just managed to chew through the rest of its neck and you decapitate the zombie and it is done for its head is still lolling around and its tongue is still like, but it is effectively no threat to you at all. I shake it in my mouth, like a tennis ball on a rope.

And I wag my tail. Adorable. Good boy. Good job team. Good job team. We all, we all helped equally out. Yeah,

we all tried. Thank you. Yeah. Henry searches the body and I want to look at this newsy cap too. On the body, you find like a hole inside of its chest, like a little entry wound of some sort. It doesn't have any items on it. So the hat looks to be a classic 1930s, 20s, 40s kind of just hat,

like the cool hat that they wore back in those old days. Tell me more about the clothes that this monster is wearing. It is hard to tell because it appears that they have been torn up and decayed over time. There are white scraps on top of gray scraps on its torso. Like it was wearing at least two layers of clothing. The outermost layer was white and then the layer within that was gray. Okay. There's a bullet wound, you said? There's a hole in its chest. Does this Newsy's cap look like it's from our world is it yes it does okay all right so henry looks at the hat and inspects and he says guys this look this is like from our world right like this isn't like a fantasy hat right yeah this is

definitely you know this feels like the fries all over again all right okay some of our stuff in here we're getting into some heavy shit gang um feels like every bad dude I dated in high school. The zombie reaches down and tips its own hat at you. Milady. Henry puts the newsy cap on and steps into the room. Okay, cool. Before I go in,

I cut a foot off of my 50 foot rope, which I also have, and I use it to tie my lantern to the end of my 10-foot pole. And now I'm walking into the room with the lantern on the end of the 10-foot pole. Cool. To cast light about the room. Okay, so that means you can stand in the doorway and still sort of see what's going on inside the room. Okay.

So you are coming in from, let's say, the west entrance of this room. Oh boy. Get the pen and paper out, everybody. I'm going to be relatively visible with it. We're going full fucking Zork text adventure shit. So in this room, you can tell that there is the door to the west, which you are currently standing in the doorway of. There's a door to the north, to the east, and to the south.

And this particular room, there is like a couch against one wall and a chair with a desk and what seems to be like an old rotary phone next to it like an old classic water cooler that's made of like glass uh some very dead plants some framed pictures that have shattered and the pictures inside have rotted away i motion every importance guys get a load of this and i very cautiously enter the room i follow To the north there is a closed door and in front of the closed door are about four or five dead goblins. Their eyes are all bugged out. The veins on their necks are bulging out. They look like they're incredible agony. They're dead in a little pile in front of the door. The doors to the east and south are just closed. Guys what the heck is going on in here? There was a zombie guy with a news boy cap.

This room looks like it was from, you know, the one time I went to New York City, we saw this experimental play called Sleep No More. And it looked a lot like this. It was a lot of, you know, it was more Mercedes thing than mine. I didn't really get it, but there was a lot of this stuff going on.

Environmental storytelling. You could open up the drawers, look at that stuff. That one has the nudity, right? Yes. Yes. If you did it right. That was Daryl asking. Oh, sure.

Yeah, I realized after you asked. Ron goes over to the rotary phone. Okay. Maybe like... As a dog. Yeah, as a dog.

And then like sort of muzzles the receiver off of the thingy thing. Oh, good idea, Ron. Good. Call for help, boy. I pick up the receiver and see if there's anything

if i could hear anything no dial tone no dial tone unfortunately hey i mean i guess this is weird but like considering i just found out you're from here originally i mean i guess there's just some whole crossover stuff going on so this is really like sliders it's a good show this is freaking me out of course daryl likes sliders of course daryl's a fucking slider man the idea that daryl's having arguments with carol about like i don't know why you like stuff like Primer when there's perfect sci-fi like sliders there. They go to a dinosaur planet and then they gotta save a raptor.

It's easy. What else do you need? Henry is going to inspect these shattered picture frames. The pictures inside have yellowed and decayed to the point where you can't really tell what you're looking at, but you can generally get the sense that they were like from the neck up portraits of people. But we can't really tell what you're looking at, but you can generally get the sense that they were like

from the neck up portraits of people. But we can't, like they're all faded? Yeah, they're really faded. I mean, you can tell from like the neck area that they're wearing like collared suits and like one of them is wearing like a white coat. You can't make out the faces with any degree of specificity.

What on earth happened here? What happened here? It's the ultimate immersive cynicism. Spooky space station, what happened here? Daryl takes a torch and he goes over to the goblins he's making sure they're actually dead he's trying to figure out like if there's something like can he speak through them can you poke at them with a 10-foot pole or as you approach the goblins i go daryl daryl poke with the pole we don't know god damn this guy was dead he came out those guys come back to life i'm taking the pole and i'm

holding my torch and i'm slowly heading towards the dead bodies okay so you're gonna and then i do what with the dead bodies and then i'm gonna poke okay so you poke the dead bodies pulse pounding dnd action we've immediately zeroed in on the dnd 1.0 strategy exactly which is just act like a big baby i poke an eye okay so you can't fake that you can accept like getting poked but like you get poked in the eye they're moving I like that Daryl's right so you poke the eye

and you meet some resistance and the eye meet yields and the pole just goes into its eyes and just goes inside of it and the goblin to which the eye is attached

does not react in any way it is dead the eye meet yields is my band and you guys are more than welcome I thought that was the last Tool album Daryl obviously turns his eyes away It is definitely I meet yields is my band and you guys are more than welcome. I thought that was the last tool album.

Carol obviously turns his eyes away from that disgusting site and he's going to gently lean over the goblins and inspect the door behind them. There's a door with a handle and a keyhole. I peek through the keyhole. You cannot see anything. It's dark. I whisper through the keyhole. Maybe there's a key around here. Hey, is there a key on the other side? I'm whispering through the keyhole. Does cannot see anything. It's dark. I whisper through the keyhole. Maybe there's a key around here. Hey, is there a key on the other side?

I'm whispering through the keyhole. Does anybody have a key over there? Silence. Guys, I think we need a key and there's nobody over there. Or if there is, they're probably scary and they don't trust us. I use my muzzle to root around in the pockets of the goblins. And I'm like, oh. You find five gold pieces, but otherwise nothing else. I pocket them in my dog pockets.

Dog pockets. Check if the door is actually locked. You wrench down on the handle. Slowly. I didn't wrench down, Anthony. I'm checking slowly. We'll see you in 10 episodes for when we get through to the next room, guys. Yeah.

No, you, you, we're not. No, you put your hand on the handle, you hold it, and then you rotate your wrist. And with a loud hiss, a green gas comes out of the keyhole. And so now you have to roll. Oh, jeez. For saving throw for poison. I close my mouth. Yeah, that'll work.

So roll a d20. Well, guys, it was nice knowing you. Don't worry. I rolled a four. I'm having really bad rolls. Yeah, that'll work. So roll a d20. Well, guys, it was nice knowing you. Don't worry. I rolled a four. I'm having really bad rolls. Am I saving? It says death ray or poison. Like those are the same fucking thing.

Stupid ass game. Death ray or poison is a 13. So the original rules of D&D 1.0, it mentions poison 23 separate times. Not once of the 23 separate times that poison is mentioned does it say what poison does so it is generally agreed upon that failure of a poison saving through just insta kills you what so unfortunately with that in mind uh dan marino his eyes begin to bug out the veins on his neck begin to pulse out he class that was the clue wasn wasn't it? Yeah, that was the clue. He grabs at his neck. Daryl! Daryl, no!

Oh, wait, he's not really... Oh, man! Oh, jeez! Ron starts nudging him with his muzzle and whining and then looking around for somebody to help his master. Don't open any doors. Just... Oh, God. And then he lays down next to the body.

Oh, it's okay, Ron. I hold on to Ron and I fall to sleep forever. So the next thing that you see when you open your eyes, Daryl, is Canary, Glenn, the Lord of Chaos and Peyton, who notices that you're awake and comes over. And he's like, oh, you're up. What happened? And the Lord of Chaos is like, yes, yes. Tell us. Did you die?

What happened? Are you dead? Oh, man, it was kids i mean first of all your dad's gonna be fine because then they can happen to him down there but i mean damn reno didn't survive for more than five minutes i mean there's a poison door there's dead goblin bodies everywhere i mean honestly i'm pretty bummed out like i feel like i could have done more in there but like it's important that you tried your best daryl the lord of chaos says uh dead goblins? And you hear the sound of pupils getting larger. The sound of pupils dying.

You died in five minutes, huh? That sounds awful. No, no, no. Just to clarify, your dad was like, had it totally under control. He's doing totally fine there. I was just being an idiot. Papa H has it under control. I'm just thinking about the incredible danger that you were in, that you died immediately five minutes in. What a tragedy. Meanwhile, Glenn and Canary are having a little conversation like, Hey, Canary, do you guys have like fried zucchini or anything like that? Or like fried potatoes?

Because if you're just going to do vegetables, you're eating them kind of gross. Do you guys do that? Do you fry stuff up? Why remove the delicious taste of a vegetable by making it all taste like oil? Glenn kind of crosses his arms. He's like, it just feels like you're not being very good hosts if you're not going to accommodate my dietary needs hey guys i died i i lost i lost right away how's it going glenn i'm just trying to get our diet situation all set up and they got vegetables your friend died did you not want to deal with with i mean he's right here he's you good daryl what's that smell glenn i'll

tell you what the smell isn't. It's not the smell of, like, French fries. I'm supposed to perform, and I'm accustomed to certain things in the backstage area. Actually, I'm down with that. If you got fries or something, that'd be great. I'm pretty hungry. People are hungry, Canary. 24, Glenn persuades.

24, okay. Hey, kids, you want fries? Obviously, of course. I'm so hungry. I have the munchies. I look at Daryl. I'm like, they're fine. They didn't smoke weed. So yeah, Canary goes to get some. She's like, I guess I'll go get some potatoes and some oil, I guess

and a pot. I don't know why you would do this, but fine. And she walks off. I go with her to explain how to deep fry vegetables. Great. So we're back in the dungeon. It's okay, Ron. He's in a better place because he's back over there and not, he's fine. So I forgot to mention, the door does open, though. Sorry if we were so busy.

And it opens into a broom closet. And inside the broom closet, there is a file cabinet. Okay, let's just keep cool. Here's what I'd like to do. And Henry takes his dagger and he cuts the hand off of Dan Marino. Oh. And he sticks it on to the end of Ron's 10-foot pole.

Oh, my God. And then I cut another 10 feet of rope and tie, like, basically, I want to rig this up like a claw grabber. Holy shit. So that, like, we can tug the hand to operate stuff.

That's funny as hell. Do you know what I mean? Yes, yes. You're tightening his fist. Holy shit. Yes, basically, what I'm thinking is there's a string tied around each of Ron's's finger well not ron's fingers i guess it have to be my fingers because ron's a dog and then like each of those strings okay like a string

tied around my tail so that when i pull my tail back it like extends the hand yes so ron has basically a claw grabber sticked on the end of his dog head that's rigged up 10 feet away and he can use his tail to manipulate it. Fantastic. The way it's strapped to Ron sounds like a Dr. Seuss book where they have like a creature and there's like a carrot,

you know, hanging out in front of them. Yes, yes. It's that, but it's Dan Marino's arm. It's Dan Marino's arm. It's got a Super Bowl ring on it. It's Dan Marino's super buff arm with a Super Bowl ring. Ronnie Doggy's not from this land.

Ronnie Doggy finds a severed hand. Nice. What do you call it, Henry? Do you call it mage hand? It is a mage hand, yeah. That's really funny. So we've got mage hand now. Okay, Ron, I think we should proceed

with caution into this room. Do you smell any more poison? Ron, do you think the poison's gone? Do I roll smell? When the door opens, you can see that on the reverse side of the door, there is a big old vial of green liquid hooked up to a mechanism

that connected to the lock. Oh, I see. So it's like a little chambered. And it's gone? No, the poison is still there in a vial, but it's like, whatever latch or whatever catch triggered it, it was triggered by the opening of the door, not like the room itself. Well, I guess by the fact that we're not dead, we know there's no more poison in the air.

So let's proceed with caution into this room. What do you say, Ron? Bark. I mean, yes. Okay, let's do it. The longer Ron spends as a homunculus dog, the closer he becomes a dog. I don't think he'll ever recover. We go into the room.

The only thing in this room is the file cabinet. It's a very small room. Ron, I'm going to stand 10 feet back. What do you say you open that filing cabinet with your dog hand? I'm going to try to do it. Okay. What do I have to roll? I don't think you have to roll for that. Yay. Oh my God. That's so great. I was like, oh damn. But now it's like, yeah, I could just do it. Okay. I do it with the old mage hand. All right. So what's going to happen is generally the way that D&D 1.0 works is anytime you do something that would require any amount of time, I have to roll on the like wandering monster table

to see if a monster hears you or comes in or whatever the heck. Oh, it hasn't been that long. And no monster show up. You open the file cabinet and inside is a ring. Oh, man.

I inspect the ring. You can't tell necessarily what it does on its own. You'd have to put it on. Actually, no, I don't know if this is how it works, but whatever.

I feel like you could probably roll like your intelligence or your wisdom or something to get like a vibe. Vibe check. I'm going to do a vibe check. Vibe check's been around since D&D 1.0. It's true. I'm going to do an intelligence vibe check on the dice.

So what do I roll for that? A D20? Uh, yeah, why not? I think it's an engagement ring. I got a seven. You can at least tell that it's not, like, cursed. It's not going to be a bad thing if you put it on, and it's not going to be inextricable from your...

What does it look like? It looks like an engagement ring. It looks like an engagement ring. So on the inside lip of the ring, you can see the letters carved SW. This is like Benedict Cumberbatch saying he's con. This means nothing to Henry. All right. There's an engagement ring. S.W. I wonder what that's about. Well,

let's pocket this. This might come in handy later. Do you want to try one of these other rooms? Sure. Yeah. Hey, Ron, we're having a good vibe on this adventure. I'm having fun. This is I'm not having fun. It's scary. But, you know, like it turns out the secret for the Ron Henry duo team up is for Ron to be a dog. Yeah, we should look for another door or something. How are you? All right. You know, it was pretty traumatizing seeing Dan Marino kind of just die in front of us, you know. Anyway, we should just be careful.

Yeah. All right, so let's go to another door. Do you want to try the door to the east or the door to the south? Let's try the door to the east. Okay, so the door to the east is locked. There is a keyhole. You drive the handle, poison comes out and you die. Yeah.

Well, I'm going to go south. So in the southern room, the entire floor is covered in loose papers with like typed up, like typewriter, like ink on them and stuff like that. The entire floor is covered with papers with the exception of one band that bisects the room from west to east, you're facing

south. And on the other side of this band, on the southeast corner of the room, there is a door. Ron, I got a real feeling that we should shove a 10-foot pole towards that band. That's where I was looking. I got a real bad feeling about that invisible line. That's all I'm going to say. But before we do that, though, I want to check out these papers. What is this all about? So I look down and I read one of the papers. So on the papers, you see what seems to be a lot of very technical and military speak. You see things about tests failing. You see things about experiments not quite resulting in the jewel output that you wanted. Just give me a

straight D20 roll just for luck's sake. I got a 14. Okay, so 14 is not quite going to get you to the special thing that I've got hidden in there. But if you want to roll again, you can, and I'll just roll on the wandering monster. What about the doggo? Wait, Ron gets to roll, right? I did, and I got a 5. You got a 5. Okay, so also did not help. I can roll again, but that means a monster might show up? It means I'll

roll, and if I get a 6, a monster will show up. Okay, I'm gonna, you know, I feel like there's something special hidden in these papers, something important. I'm gonna keep looking. I got a 10 a monster will show up. Okay I'm gonna you know I feel like there's something special hidden in these papers. Something important. I'm gonna keep looking. I got a ten. Ron you wanna go again? Sure. I got a two. So yeah now I rolled a one before. I rolled a one again so no wandering monsters show up. You can

again continue to do this for as long as you want. So basically you only have to beat a twelve now if you wanna find what the thing is. I feel like we're getting close. I'm fine. I'm going again bro. I'm going again too. I got a six. I feel like we're getting close. I'm fine. I'm going again, bro. I'm going again, too. I got a six. I got a 17.

Woo! Hey, there we go. Okay, so with the 17, with the 17, your little adorable wet doggy nose finds a scrap of paper that unlike the rest of them isn't completely covered in text. Only a couple of words are visible on it

in the dead center of the page, and it's in quotation marks. And it says, heart's greatest desire. Is this a screenplay? Does this look like a screenplay to you? What on earth is going on here? All right. Well, let's file that away with the rest of our mysterious clues.

And I think we should press on. You should know that I also have, let's see, two small sacks. And a backpack. That's good to know. It's good. You know, I could toss one Two small sacks. And a backpack. Hey. That's good to know. It's good to, it's, it's. You know, I could toss one of the sacks. So you wanted to throw a sack or hit the band with a stick or something? I think, Ron, my feeling is let's get way back and then let's chuck one of your sacks at it.

Okay. Oh, you should like put some like goblin parts in it so it has some weight. Yeah. I got the idea to do that all on my own. Okay. But like when you throw it, you got to hold on to my collar so I don't retrieve it. Ooh, ooh, good point.

Good point, Ron. Good point. Stay. And I hold Ron's collar and I throw the bag at the line on the ground. You throw it at the area of the ground that has no papers on it.

And for a second, nothing happens. And then you hear a click and the entire band in the center of the room turns out to be a trap door. It opens up. The bag falls down and you hear a shh as it's stabbed through by a bunch of spikes.

Oh, okay. I do want to point out that as an elf, I am supposed to be able to sense doors. So I don't know if this trap counts as a door, but... I wouldn't count it as one. I guess not. It's really more of a trap. It's a trap pit.

Shoot. Is there anything... There's a door on the other side? Yes, on the other side of the band, there's another door. Which you sense, by the way. Yeah. Which you say you could feel it the second you before you see it, you smell it. What if you hold on to my collar and I'll go just sort of like one foot at a time across and we'll just do a little hop over the center line together. Yeah, I guess let's go with that. You go first, Ron. Okay, I'm gonna go first

and then I put my little paws or my big boy paws on all of the the papers and stuff like that. Maybe I look around, see if I notice anything cool that I could take with me back into the No, you don't see anything cool. Ron's a plunderer. You step over. I'm not gonna make you roll for anything. You just managed to step over the band and nothing happens. The trap door does not open. All right. I follow Ron and then we apply. But this time it kills you. Weird. No.

No, it works fine. Okay. I inspect the door. So you can tell that the door is not trapped and my wandering monster roll, nothing came up. But you also hear two voices inside. They're going like, we got gotta get back to the past they go down there's gotta be something else in this room it can't just be a key that there's nothing else in the fucking room but it wouldn't pay to the ding dong i told you we shouldn't come in here god who knows how long we've been in here

ron there's what do you think of these guys in there i don't know i don't know how long they've been in there either but i'm kind of starting to wonder how long we've been in here like how old is my dog in dog years but how old am I in human years, you know? Oh my God, what if it's an interstellar thing and we come out and everyone else is way older? Oh, we gotta, there's no time to lose. We gotta hurry up. Henry opens the door. So inside you see two goblins and they turn to face you and I'm going to make a morale roll for them because there's a chance that they'll just go like, rah, and run.

I have a pretty high charisma score. Can I do anything with that? Fortunately, in this mode, charisma only matters about hiring hirelings and stuff. Oh, other fighting men. Yes, other fighting men. Damn, Reno had really high charisma, too. Okay, so I'm going to roll 2d6 for their morale,

and they got an eight, which means that they have an uncertain reaction. So the two goblins turn and they go, what? Who are you? Who are you? Hmm. You're not from here. Those clothes are not.

Hmm. What are, what's going on? Step forward and do a good boy sit and wag my tail and stick out my tongue like, you know, like a friend of the dog. That's a good boy. It seems to be a good boy. Yes, isn't it? Yes, it appears to be a good boy. Hmm.

Hmm. What if this other one? I say, hail and well met, friends. We are wanderers searching this dungeon for clues about my past. This honesty is the best policy, I feel like. You know, you go in, you shoot straight. Sure. That's good.

Learned that from Daryl. The goblins go like, by answers, do you mean treasure? Duckets? No, we're not here for treasure. Whatever treasure you guys are looking for, that's up to you. I'm looking for the treasure of knowledge, you see, about my own past. Oh, okay. Then in that case, and they both take out daggers and they just go, back off, back off.

And they just start walking slowly toward the door toward you. And they're just like, we need to get it back up to the second floor. Just fuck off. Hey, you do you, man. You do you. Just watch out. There's a trap in that room. Don't step on the middle part.

We know. We came over the trap in the first place. We're smart. See? Smart. Smart. You're very smart. Then why are you going back in the other way then?

Because we have to go back up to our boss to report what we found down here. Obviously. Well, can we come with you? You know what? Yes. Yes. Why not? Do you guys know how to get through this dungeon?

It seems really dangerous. Like what? We vaguely remember how to get up to the third floor. Yes. Vaguely. Vaguely. But not like specifically. Not so much that you to get up to the third floor, yes, vaguely, but not like specifically, not so much that you won't have to do the puzzles.

Sounds good to me. Sounds good. Do you guys want to team up to get up to the third floor together? Yes, but we reserve the right to stab you in the face if we think you're not being toured with us. Okay, well, we will be fully toured with you if you are toured with us. So, you guys were talking about a

key in here, though. Is there like a key we should pick up? One of them goes, yes, this key. And the other one goes, don't fucking show the key. What if they're going to kill us? Take the key. And the other one goes, well, it's this key. Okay. Well, you hold on to the key.

I just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything in here we were leaving behind. Hey, Henry Oak. Nice to meet you, fellas. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. I cannot give you my name because that will give you power over me. So instead, follow me while my friend looks at you with a knife in his hand and hatred in his eye and keep your distance.

Okay. So he leads you back to the locked door. They put the key in. They open the door. You see a stairway leading upward, which doesn't make any sense seemingly because this is underground. This hatch is underground. Why is it doing that? Whoa.

It's like a TARDIS. Ron and I are going to follow the goblins up the stairs to the second floor. Let's go back outside with Glenn and see what he's up to. So I'm with Canary, and we're in the cooking area, I guess, because I'm looking at the kitchen that they have.

What does that look like? It's basically just a bunch of raw vegetables placed very neatly next to each other, a very, very large spice rack, no meat that you can see really um communal bowls communal plates do they have like an old-timey like um cooking pot like in the middle of the bubbling stew going at all times like old times yes they have exactly that then you fill that pot up with some hot oil you know i'm saying we put some veggies in it canary wanting to be a good host is like i guess so okay fine and she just starts pouring out thank you that's is it too much to ask just let me know

if i'm being imposing i'm just have very few requests that's all okay so you're you're doing that daryl what are you doing daryl's watching glenn and then i go up to glenn i go hey i'm all down for getting us some food but like do you think we could be doing a little like i don't know like checking in on barry or just like bar don't you think we could be doing a little like, I don't know, like checking in on Barry or just like. Barry knows our faces. We got to keep a low profile. And I just think that it would be smart if we lay the seeds for a potential escape if things get a little bit spicy here. So that's what I'm doing.

I'm hungry. How are you doing that? Check this out. And I hold my finger out. I know this prank. No, no, no, no, no. This is a magical forest, right? Yeah. I'm looking at Anthony because when last time someone held their finger

out, a bird alighted upon it. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So a bird comes down and goes, little Caesar's here. What's going on? Hey, little C. God, I'm so hungry. When we came in here and I kind of go a little bit out of the way so that, you know, Canary and the Henry folk can't hear me. When we first got over here, we met some wolves. There were some other animals who didn't seem to like this place so much. Yes, yes. It's kind of unpopular amongst a lot of animals. That's so...

Not me, though. Not the birds. That's so unfair. Has anyone tried just talking to them and trying to convince them that this place is pretty cool? The talking to them is usually what makes them sick of this place. Could you do me a favor? Could you just go find some of these animals and bring them over here? I want to have a word with them because I think they got everything wrong about this place.

Daryl leans over to Peyton and he whispers like, hey, Peyton, how much did Glenn smoke? Like a pretty big spliff, but like for him, definitely not enough to make it. I think this is peak Glenn we're dealing with. I don't think this is weird high Glenn. I think this is adorable. Okay. Thanks. Good question though, son.

Keep your head in the game. Keep your head in the game. Okay, yeah. Can you get some of these other animals here? Yeah, absolutely. I could go get a deer and maybe a bear and maybe a beaver

and maybe a muskrat. You know what? Tell them. As many as you... I'm going to look around for like a meeting place that I can kind of like have a communion with the animals when they show up eventually.

And I'm gonna point that out to Little Caesar. Be like, help me meet me over in that clearing over there or whatever. Oh, absolutely. I would love to. Okay. All right. All right.

Little Caesar away. And she flies away. And everybody roll, give me perception with disadvantage. Oh man. Back to, let me pull my other character 5e yeah feel the whiplash seriously i have seven dice i've not gotten double digits on this so i got a one and a seven i got a 21 and a 16 no fuck you double disadvantage roll again

double see your probation double disadvantage double secret probation what is this shit 21 16 17 go fuck yourself alright Glenn's in the zone right now bitch I got fucking locked in on this motherfucker alright so

I feel like Freddy's in a different world right now yeah Freddy's playing a weird single play RPG that the rest of us are not privy to the rules of Glenn notices this

like a half a second too late which is that everybody's sitting there looking at Canary trying to pour oil into a large cauldron to make tempura, essentially.

Hell yeah. Peyton's there, Daryl's there, you're there, but the Lord of Chaos is not. And Glenn, you turn just in time to see the Lord of Chaos running at full sprint toward the hatch, and the Lord of Chaos leaps into the air toward the open entrance of the hatch,

which will, if they land, immediately age them like 50 years. And they leap into the air toward the open entrance of the hatch, which will, if they land, immediately age them like 50 years. And they leap into the air and they go, Howard! Oh my God! It'll be alright It's gonna be alright It's gonna be alright It'll be alright Cause that's just life

All you do is try It'll be alright Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson Anthony Burch as our DM slash referee Will Campos as Henry Oak Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller.

Word to the patrons. People like Zach Wotruba, Rita Willard, Lee Morgan, Fiat Lux. That's the name of a car. David Brian Scott, Joe D, Eric Ambrust, Kat Kerwin, Sean McKee, Emily Martin, Kelly McHugh, Blake David, Eric with a K, all you Erics with a C, I'm sorry, Whitey04, and Benjamin Bate. If you haven't yet, now would be a good time to check out At the Mountains of Dadness, which is a three-part miniseries we played in the Call of Cthulhu system about our grandparents.

Anthony assures me, by the way, that you don't need to have heard Mountains of Dadness to sort of know what's going on this campaign It's more that you'll just feel extra special because you'll recognize some of the easter eggs We've peppered in here and there again. It's not necessary for the enjoyment of the main storyline But episode one is on this feed. We released it last year So give it a shot and if you like it check out the whole series by either becoming a patron because all the patrons got mountain of dadness for free at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads, or heading to our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com.

If you're going to poke around on our website, by the way, we're in the middle of tweaking our merch so that we'll be able to offer more items and have reasonable international shipping rates for once. So we'll keep you posted on that. But right now, you still can get the digital downloads for At the Mountains of Dadness and the Rocks Rock EP by Henry Oak.

You can follow us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads, reddit.com slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies. Thank you so much for listening. Our next episode is coming at you September 1st, so we will see you then. There was a time when you could read between the lines. You know they never brought you down. Never brought you down never brought you down no actually like it was good that there was so much going on in will's segment because i did honestly mispronounce hors d'oeuvres in a way like that i was like oh this is why people do that because like when flashback and let's i'm gonna flashback right now to that

and isolate computer isolate beth's audio from the previous segment enhance enhance wow you really did beth