Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 42 - Henry's Father and the Chamber of Secrets

Episode Date: September 15, 2020

Henry learns the truth of his past and confronts his father.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, and violence towards children.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff at:RocketJumpP.O. Box 90853 9029 Airport Blvd.Los Angeles, CA 90009 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. The dungeon roommates are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Jenny insists she's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on her wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for those with infernal heritages, which I mention only so the tieflings out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool tiefling?

Hello everybody, and welcome to My Goblin, My Goblin, and Me, an advice show for the present age. I'm your vampire roommate, Vlad. I'm your first goblin, Jenny Ka. I'm your 30 under 30 treasure hunting luminary goblin, Damwook Uskra. Oh no. I want to suck your blood. I want to suck your blood.

Welcome to I Want to Suck Your Blood. This is a podcast within a podcast where I talk about delicious meals. And I am so excited this week. I almost sucked the blood of an elf named Henry Oak who is was in our dungeon, solving our puzzles with these two kids. Yeah, that was really weird. We've never seen kids in here before. Something's up with that. He was so nice. He didn't even want any treasure. He just wanted to find out more about his own history. He was nice to us. You didn't suck his blood, did you? Believe me, I wanted to, but he had the cross and everything, and he had a problem with my whole vampire way of life. I mean, seriously, he was such a puss. No, stop it.

But it's short for pusillanimous. You only looked that up after we told you it was problematic. Oh, you're the worst. That's it. I quit. I'm done. Yeah, we're out of here. But no, get back here, please.

It's not too late to make a three creatures just chatting comedy podcast. Come on, please. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, sort of sometimes a tabletop role-playing game podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I am Glenn Close in this podcast. And Glenn Close has a cover band.

He plays Christmas music. This week's Dad Fact about Glenn. I was thinking about this because Glenn's about to take the stage here in the Oakvale. And I was just thinking about good concert stories, you know, good gig stories from Glenn. So one time they were playing like a Northern California outdoor mall. Do they have outdoor malls? They don't have outdoor malls in Northern California. Yeah, they do. Maybe Central California, maybe Modesto or Fresno or something. Yeah, I used to live in Hanford near Fresno and there was tons of, yeah,

there was all kinds of crap. So he was playing it and as is Glenn's kind of habit, before every concert, he avails himself of what the best the food court has to offer. So he was at the hot dog on a stick. But something about either the hot dog, the stick, or the lemonade that he got didn't quite sit right with him. But they were about to go on. So they're like, Glenn, we got to go on. And he's like, I can't. Oh, man, I got to.

I got to. My tummy hurts. I need a second. Well, you're not supposed to eat the stick. You're not supposed to eat hot dog. Someone left a fire in Santa's chimney. But luckily for Glenn, he should have. No, luckily for Glenn, he has.

I'm not sure if my grandpa just kind of telling a story that I'm not sure where it's going. OK, where is this going? I'm not sure you guys know this, but like you can have as a guitar player, you can have a wireless system. You can play the guitar that wirelessly transmits to your board. So it allows you to not be tied down by a cord. So he was like, just start the intro, the jingle bells, and I'll be playing from the toilet.

That's pretty dope. I refuse to believe this happened. I know this is a fictional podcast where you get to say whatever happened, but he played guitar from the toilet during the gig? Yeah. How far was the toilet? What is the range? It's an outdoor mall.

It's not that far. It's just around the view. Will, you're the ultimate cinema sins of people's dad facts. Oh, my God. You're always the one who goes in and doesn't click. You're like, excuse me. That's what happened, Will. I don't care if you believe it.

That's what happened. Hello. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian upon entering the Forgotten Realms. A dad fact, I guess. I just thought of this right now. I was just thinking about what Daryl's allergies were. Daryl doesn't know.

Every time he goes to the doctor's office, he just puts penicillin because he thinks, but he doesn't know. Nobody's ever given him penicillin. He's never checked. They say, what are your allergies? And he just puts penicillin because he's always put it, but he has no idea if he's actually allergic to penicillin. He's never checked. They say, what are your allergies? And he just puts penicillin because he's always put it, but he has no idea if he's actually allergic to penicillin. Wait, like you could be, like, yeah, just don't give me antibiotics. But he does have one real allergy.

The one allergy he does know he has, because he refuses to get the allergy test because he doesn't like needles, is he has a latex allergy. And he discovered that. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait for about two years he thought he was doing sex wrong no no no time out time out time out cinema sins here we go here we go freddy with a fucking pedantic ass fact i researched this shit so there's no way phrase knowing it in episode one oh and he talks about how he has condoms on his fingers which are like latex condoms

so do i suck his fingers what are you talking about i told they has to do with me i knew someone who had a latex allergy yeah it burns your ding dong it's not nice no no no no you couldn't bring balloons to school when i was going to high school oh because i mean there's various levels i was just looking this up and sometimes people who have the allergy to condoms, it takes a long time to get to a point where it's really bad. It's like subtle burning. And then you get to the point where it's like Daryl Swift.

Daryl didn't die. Daryl didn't lose his dong. He just thought God was punishing him. Yeah, he's like, why does it hurt all the time? I'm going too fast, maybe. Maybe this is the problem. I've been on about four Tinder dates with guys who spontaneously

by the way i didn't mention i have a light oh well i guess my name is will campos i play the fictional character henry oak on the podcast dungeons and dragons uh really that's the name of the podcast will did i say don say, damn it? Ding! One wrong podcast. Ding! Wrong podcast. This isn't going well. Oh, no. Oh, no.

R.I.P. me. This is like, honestly, one of those podcasts that I like, oh, this is a good podcast. So I turn on this episode and then they're like fucking jerking each other off for 25 minutes in the intro. Like I'm a friend of theirs and I'm like, shut the fuck up and talk about true crime. Beth, you're the one doing the jerking each other off for 25 minutes in the intro like I'm a friend of theirs and I'm like shut the fuck up and talk about true crime you're the one doing the jerk good yeah I've been jerking the whole thing I am Will Campos and I play the fictional character Henry Oak on the podcast Dungeons and Dragons you said it again ding two god I can't remember no way Henry's allergies that he's allergic to bad vibes moving on

let's go let's go let's go yo yo yo yo my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler emotionally stunted emotionally detached stepfather emotionally detached to stepfather on the fictional podcast uh dungeons and daddies fun fact about ron

so okay so i was going to try to make fun of like a henry dad fact but then that's just not as funny as like living apparently right now fun fact about ron is that his favorite dad fact is that um the word dad is from the mid 16th century perhaps imitative of a young child's first syllables. Da. Da. Oh. Wait, so da came first? Da came first? No, ma comes first in almost every language. Wait, wait, wait.

I want to understand. You're saying that, is this true that like, we basically just like, a baby said da, and then they were like, that means dad now? Because the man was like, that was for me. That noise was mine. I'm just on google will i don't know generally the first word that any infant will say is ma because if you think about

the pronunciation and formation of it it's an utterance from the mom well no because it's a basic vocal utterance and then the movement is almost just mouth movement you can make that sound without any articulation of the lips and so the heart she didn't say that it was literally the first thing they said she just said that they do say da. That's what she said. So I'm dinging your ding. There's some fascinating stuff about this because certain words like older brother and younger brother in different languages. Most infants' first word is just Jim Carrey saying smoke in front of their ass.

Somebody stop me. No, the first word is an Ace Ventura. They point at the vagina and they go, do not go in there. Nice. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. And I'm allergic to bubble bath liquid.

Really? Yeah. Wait, what's different in bubble bath liquid than the normal soap? I think it was just one particular kind of bubble bath liquid I used when I was a kid. And I've just like, I never really enjoyed bubble baths that much. So you've deprived yourself of bubble baths ever since just because of one bad bubble bath incident? Once bitten, twice shy, baby.

Anthony, I'm going to go over there and make you a bubble bath. That's assault. That would be a form of assault. well we last left the group henry and ron and larkin sparrow and two goblins had gone to the topmost level of the dungeon and found a big real real film projector and a woman who seemed to be from the 1920s who turned out to actually be horsesey Oak, his bully from childhood in the visage of his grandmother. I love it. Meanwhile, outside the dungeon, Glenn and Daryl and Ron's animated body, who doesn't sound like Ron. Ron in hand quotes. Are basically preparing for some plan to potentially burn the forest down if they need to using a grease fire and Aaron O'Neill's bird familiars.

Why don't we jump back into the dungeon? Horsey Oak goes with his mouth. He doesn't have a phone or anything. He's just going fart into your face. Another Horsey Oak classic. Who are these two ugly things? Please! Oh, what the freaking jeez! Gosh darn it! Horsey Oak! Horsey?

Horsey? Why do I know who you are? Oh, you're that jerk from, oh je jeez, ow, my head hurts. He's throwing gang signs and he's going like, that's right, that's right, I was better than you before, I'm even better than you now. Will someone stop messing with me? No one tells me what's going on anymore.

My dad's like, oh, go into this mystery dungeon. Then I go through six layers of freaking traps and nonsense. My sons show up, they're immortal or something. I don't know what the heck's going on here. Then I see, I guess, a lady in a movie theater that's a telescope. And then you fart in my face. Just will someone tell me who I am and where I come from? I want to watch the movie. Ron wants to watch the movie. Is there a movie or is this just all a big goof? What's going on?

Larkin Sparrow raised his hand and goes, hmm, we would like to watch the film. And Horsey raises his hand and goes, yeah, ding dong, dingus, your dad basically. Hey, don't you talk to my boys like that, whoever you are, sir. The ding dong dingus was for you. Well, I don't appreciate that. Good one. Good one. Really nailed that one.

And they're like, father. No, I'm just. Father, you're getting owned. I'm not getting owned, boys. This is actually a teachable moment. Because the only way I get owned is if I stoop to his level of being toxic and mean that's very immature horsey and that doesn't surprise me um just based on your pattern of behavior but i i hope that you can grow someday

oh i'm sorry hey how does it look to look at your own weird, ugly grandmother and know that I can do this to her? And he just started punching himself in the face over and over. He goes like, who's winning now, huh? Who's winning now? I mean, that doesn't, you're hurting yourself. So, you know. I don't feel nothing. I feel great.

Do you want to watch this stupid movie or not? Horsey, hey, you know, it's been a while. And, you know, maybe it's just because I'm coming back to this as an adult now. But are you all right, man? You okay? I'm coming back to this as an adult now, but are you all right, man? You okay? I'm doing fine. Every day I wake up and I'm not Henry Oak, so I'm feeling pretty good, baby. Well, you know, gee whiz.

I hope you know that it hurts when you say stuff like that. And I'm a human being just like you are. That's why I say it. That's the point of it. You know, maybe there's some hurt inside that you're not addressing. We'll talk about that later. I am pretty anxious to see. I got some hurt right here.

He says as he farts again. As Horsey is saying this to you, you see Lark reach into his back pocket and he takes out a sock with something heavy at the end of it. It's not red, but you get the sense just from the metallic smell that it is blood. It is like a weird phosphorescent sort of multicolored rainbow stain on the end of this sock. And he goes, stop being mean to my father or you're going to get a little hit from Socrates. Horsey, can we put pause on this just for a second? Yeah. Handle your ugly, dumb kids. Sir, excuse me. That's rude. Lark, what is that? What's what do you got in the sock there?

That doesn't look safe. He goes, oh, this. Can I see that? And I try to take it from him. So he said, try. I should have said, take it from him. But I said, try. So that's what we're going with.

No, no, it's fine. He basically hands it to you like a samurai handing their sword over. Like it's a great it's an object of great honor. I receive it in kind. Oh, thank you. Thank you. A little bow. This isn't appropriate of what we're doing.

This is just we like samurai movies. This is fine, right? I right i don't know i'm gonna have to get back to you on that one henry oak's gonna be thinking about that all day yeah henry's like is that correct henry's thinking back to like he was like you know i remember reading the criterion collection cover for yojimbo and there was an essay but i don't know this seems maybe weird look at the kids go to karate and in karate they're your sensei. I think maybe it's just because Henry isn't really like their martial arts master in any way, shape, or form. But, you know,

it's just complicated. Henry doesn't know how he feels about it yet. I think we all need to saddle down. So he says... Maybe we got off on the wrong hoof.

That's very funny, Ron. You're doing a good job. Hey, I appreciate you. I don't get it. I don't get it. What's the dog laughing for? Oh, we're just doing some witty canter.

That was really good, actually. That's inspiration. Yeah, okay, cool. There's no inspiration in D&D 1.0. Fuck. Lark and Sparrows say like, oh, that was a weapon we found on one of our off-screen adventures with a group of mercenaries while you were away. Inside, you will note, is the head of a decapitated god.

Excuse me? If Socrates hits somebody, then they will take wisdom damage because the memories of the god will go into their brain and cause them a great deal of stress. Oh, my God. Who gave this to you? Who are these bad mercenaries that let you have this? Very powerful weapon.

I'm keeping this with the gauntlets, and I put it in my bag. No, why did I give it to you? Oh, Sparrow would never make that mistake again. Well, I sort of won the battle but lost the war there. But boys, Daddy can fight his own battles. Daddy and Horsey are old friends

and they're just catching up with each other and I can take care of myself, but I appreciate you. Give me a deck save. I got a 15. You barely dodge out of the way as Horsey Yoke comes in for a noogie.

He's got his arm out ready to get your head in the crook of his elbow. And he goes, oh, he's getting a little bit quick. He's going to be like, I like the chase, baby. Does he still look like my grandma? Yes. Hey, no, no noogies. OK, look, what are we? Is this all like a big bully Henry prank?

Or is there something for me to learn up here? Oh, no, this is real. This is real. Barry said somebody's got to stay here and encourage you to watch the thingy and then I volunteered so you should watch the thingy. Alright, I am gonna watch this thing. Okay. But ah, cheapers. I don't know about the

B-O-Y-S. Father, father, father, father. Father, father, father. As you know, Lark and I have been reading the Wikipedia entries for the films that you and Mother will not let us watch. That was the compromise so that you would start reading. You're right. That was the tradeoff.

I've read about every Saw film, one through seven. You read the Saw movies? Frankly, I don't see the appeal. Frankly, I don't understand. Jeez, this is explaining a lot about the last couple of Halloweens we've had in the house. Yes. Okay, boys. This is a big boy grown-up moment but this has to do with

our family we're going to experience it together because you know i'm an open book if anything if i okay here's what we're going to do if i say ear muffs you have to put your hands over your ears and if i say eye muffs you have to turn around so if i say ear and eye muffs you got to close your ears and eyes and turn the other way so okay of course and these morality points are being tracked that we may later get the gauntlets, correct? That's true. This is all going towards the gauntlet. Fantastic, fantastic. But boys, it's okay because if you have to cover your ears or your eyes,

I will read you a Wikipedia passage from a movie that you would not be allowed to see. I will let Ron do that as long as I can approve the movie. I'm delighted at this potential. This is what we in the biz call a win-win. You're right. Let's watch the film. Horsey goes, all right, everybody take your seats, ding-dongs.

This is going to be kind of a long monologue type of thing and you're just going to sort of have to get details from it. Okay, thanks, Horsey. But also, if you want to interrupt it, I can pause the movie just whenever. For like goofs and riffs. I just feel like you're just sitting listening to me. Okay. movie just whenever we're like goofs and riffs just don't feel like you're just sitting listening to me okay horsey jams his face into the side of the reel-to-reel projector and it begins to grind away the mud on his homunculus face as it starts to turn and he goes this is fine this doesn't

hurt this is normal i love this and a light shoots out of the front of the projector and illuminates the back wall of this room why Why did he jam his face into it? I don't understand. He's like, I turn it on. Needs a little juice. Oh, okay. Parcy's the best character, by the way. He's a face juice nerd.

If you were cool, you would know how to do this. AV Club forever, nerds. No. An image flashes onto the back wall and you see the same woman who you just saw shove her face into the reel to reel uh what no previews am i right you don't fly along on like and there's a big you know popcorn floating in space and then it pops yeah it's a big old roller coaster with horrible like

the fantasy equivalent of 3d imagery and like people going wow a big horrible 3d soda with really bad like fluid dynamics like but it doesn't have a brand on it because it's like they don't want to, like, offend any of their non-sponsors. Are the goblins, like, going bonkers right now? Yeah, they're like, what? They're so psyched. Like, what is this? Okay, so once the coming attractions are done. No, a tenant still hasn't come out.

Probably a tenant trailer. still hasn't come out. Probably a tenant trailer. You see what you now know as presumably the image of your grandmother who is investigating a science facility, which you now realize is the room that you're in. I'll be at one that's more new and clean and also filled with insane cultist people. Anthony,

would you say that this something happened in this room and she is in the room where it. Correct. Her and her friends, Eliza and Peggy. So she, you see her with some friends. You see the friends. Immediately, the very first thing you see is that one of her friends, who is a very handsome Chinese man, who you immediately have some untoward feelings toward. His face gets smashed in by some sort of horrible monster.

You can't quite tell because it's in the distance. It's kind of out of focus. Oh. And soon you see. No earmuffs or eye muffs there? Oh, eye muffs, eye muffs. Father because it's in the distance. It's kind of out of focus. Oh! And soon you see... No earmuffs or eye muffs there? Oh, eye muffs, eye muffs! Father, it's over. I think it's too late for that. Oh, man. I'll get the next one.

This is a fictional movie, guys. This is a fictional movie. Larkin Sparrow. Body of Evidence is a 1993 American erotic thriller film. Go on! It originally received the rare NC-17 rating. Okay, I'm done. So you see your grandmother scream in terror

as something engulfs her. It's something the camera can't seem to pick up. It's like an undulating, cloudy mass of film grain and hair and static and imperfections in the film itself, like entropy made manifest she screams and it engulfs her and everything goes black and when she opens her eyes again she's somewhere new she and the building that she was inside this building are in a new world and the static the grain it's seemingly gone except you can see that there's a little of it

in one of her wrists in the veins traveling under the skin a thin thread of static and decay coursing through her veins like blood can you tell I wrote this down beforehand yes and she stumbles into a bright forest

and she meets a tall young looking immortal an elf with elven ears he's handsome as anything and we see wait so the camera is like

are we like how is this being filmed and the sound of Horsey's face grinding against the reels you can hear him go it's called a memory camera, nerd. Look it up sometime. Read a book. Oh my god.

Stupid sports-ass loving nerd. Jeez. Why don't you go hike, nerd? Why don't you go post about it on your daily? A security camera wouldn't be at that angle. I went to Chapman for this. We see her meet this super handsome elf and we see the two of them slowly fall in love

as she's taking pictures and he's explaining the world to her. And they marry, and they have a son. And that son is Barry. You can just sense it by looking at him, even though he's just a little baby. And we see the static, that grain, that pinprick of chaos in your grandmother that transfers into Barry.

And it grows stronger and bigger and more opaque. And the child Barry grows up and you see him studying magic and bringing the creatures of the forest to heal and teaching them to respect him and follow his instructions. And travelers through the forest come to listen to his tales and his wisdom.

And slowly he amasses a little community of people eager to hear the tales of dimensions beyond this one that his mother came from. One day, he meets a human woman, a cleric, an adventurer named Autumn. And they fall in love. And they marry. And they have a son. And that son is named Henry. And you see, now that you

are looking into the face of your young self. And it looks a lot like Larkin Sparrow in a sense. You have a very strong family resemblance. And the static, that film grain that was in your grandmother and then down to your father, you see it pass from your father into you and again it it grows stronger and it grows a little bit more chaotic. As Henry grows up, he constantly seeks the approval of his father, this larger than life

figure who could command crowds of people with just his voice. But try as he might, Henry can't seem to live up to Barry's standards. He makes art, but Barry finds it derivative. He casts spells, but Barry finds them weak. Barry seems to be more interested in the sound of his own voice booming out over crowds than speaking to his own son, who seems to be a constant disappointment to him. One day, Henry gets really angry when Horsey Oak pushes him into some mud, and Henry comes back to his father red hot with rage and shaking. And rather than comforting his child, Barry gets angry at his own son for showing anger and showing negativity, and he chastises him for not being good enough to move past it. Barry believes, and he tells all of his followers this, that perfection can be achieved, but that Henry is as of yet incapable of doing so.

Unlike himself, anyway. Barry learns how to shape the world. He finds a tree he considers to be perfect, and he replicates it over and over, and he makes a force out of this one perfect tree, and he attracts people to this force who are just as interested in finding the perfection within themselves as he is. And as Barry's commune grows in size, Henry's mother, Autumn, begins to grow cold and distant, even to Henry. In fact, we see her growing more and more fearful of Barry, to the point where, after a big speech of his, she gets so sick of his holier-than-thou-ness and his grandiosity that she tries to stab him in the back, literally. Whoa.

He survives the attempt, but it's this incident that inspires him to create an anti-violence field around Oakvale. You see that he focuses all of his harmonic energies while doing the most bodaciously flexible yoga into a crystal. Once the crystal is made, you see people trying to slap each other, and it doesn't work, and now the anti-violence field has surrounded Oakvale. You see people trying to slap each other and it doesn't work. And now the anti-violence field has surrounded Oakvale. We see Barry alone in his office trying to create a sort of looking glass with which he can try to spy on other dimensions and maybe spy the dimension that his own mother came from. And we get very brief glimpses of worlds beyond this one as he tries to attune this looking glass. We see radiation scorched wastelands. We see neon megacities.

We see vessels flying through the stars. But always, his attempts seem to end in failure before they really begin. Barry is furious, and thinking that he's alone, he punches the looking glass as hard as he can, and he shatters it. But he's not alone. A young Henry is watching him from the shadows. Later, we see Henry in his private study,

mixing magical concoctions, casting spells, trying to repair his father's mirror. He's subsconded with it from his father's office, and he's got it in his private study, mixing magical concoctions, casting spells, trying to repair his father's mirror. He's subsconded with it from his father's office, and he's got it in his own room. And after many, many years of experimentation, of secret study, of hiding away from his father, of sleepless nights spent by candlelight as the static, the noise, the grainy anomaly inside of him grows larger and more erratic. After many, many years of that, success. The looking glass switches on and it

stays on. He can see another world, another forest in another dimension unlike his own, but he can't just see it. He's drawn into it, pulled into it. Henry's body crashes into the mirror, shattering it, sending shards of magic and glass everywhere as he's pulled through the dimensions. His very mind is being torn out by the process of interdimensional travel. He screams and his screams summon his father. But when Barry shows up, he only shows up a little bit too late as he watches his son pull through a now broken mirror. And he knows that Henry is gone.

But more than that, he knows that Henry has done it. That Henry has figured out what Barry could not. He takes a deep, calming breath. The look that comes over Barry is not one of anger or frustration or even of concern for where his son has gone. It's a faint smile. Maybe the thing that made Henry special, maybe that came from Barry.

Maybe it took so long for that specialness to show itself because Autumn's humanity and her imperfections polluted Barry's inherent wisdom. So Barry thinks, what I need to do is make another child who has more of my attributes and less of Autumn's, less of my wife's. So he makes another child out of the mud of the earth. And though he isn't a talent enough warlock to create a soul out of whole cloth, he can animate these homunculi with memories,

the memories that he has of his son, of Henry. And so into each new oak child, into each new homunculus, he puts a different memory of his time with Henry. And for the souls, he gains the help of a talented warlock, one from another dimension, who siphons the souls out of woodland creatures and puts them into these homunculi. But none of these souls are good enough because none of them are truly Henry. As Barry goes to gather more clay for the homunculi, the interdimensional warlock turns and we see his face. It's Willie Stampler.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the mirror, Henry's screams finally stop as he falls unconscious. And then he comes to in a forest, a forest unlike the one of his homeland. And he meets a beautiful hiker named Mercedes Garcia. And they fall in love and they get married and they have two beautiful boys. That noise, that grainy chaos passes into them, but not all of it. A third stays with Henry inside of him, undulating and growing and maturing. And a third of it goes into Sparrow and a third of it goes into Lark. And you get the sense that this creation, this unknowable chaos is to some extent, the same thing that both of you saw when you looked at the horrible Dookie

in the bathroom back at Ballsteed. And so you now have lost your disadvantage. For a second, I thought we were turning into a real lore podcast. Then you referenced the one part where one of us looked at poop really bad. Yeah. Like, oh, thank God we of us looked at poop really bad. Yeah. Like, oh, thank God, we're still Dungeons and Daddies.

Yeah. So you lose your disadvantage on all that stuff because now you understand, to some extent, where it comes from. And then the film goes white as the film reel runs out, and you just hear the slapping of the loose film as it hits the other reel. And then Horsey removes his now-mangled mud face

away from the projector, and he goes, so that's it, so that's it. That's you. I don't get it. I mean, it was it was kind of entertaining, but then it was I don't know, the last part just kind of lost me. So Lark and Sparrow go, father, I do not understand. There was some sort of there was some sort of creature and we have we have some of the creature in us and you have some of the creature in you. I don't know, boys. Um, I, I don't know. Uh, and Henry is overwhelmed and, uh,

he's just staring at the flickering. So it's just like that kind of white flickering light, you know, and it's, you know, it's just like that kind of white flickering light, you know, and it's, you know, it's like all of his questions have been answered, but none of them have. And,

uh, he looks down at his two boys and he says, well, I guess we better get out of here. He gets up and, uh, he says, uh,

thanks. Thank you for showing that to me. Uh, boys, boys, let's go. Your children, having not seen this side of you before,

go like, of course, father. Yes, yes, of course. And as you go, the gobs are like, bye, it was nice to meet you. Horsey goes like, boys, boys, let's go. Your children having not seen this side of you before go like, of course, father. Yes, yes, of course. And as you go, the goblins are like, bye, it was nice to meet you. Horsey goes like, hey, uh, you should go talk to Barry. Barry said he wanted to talk to you after you watched the movie. Thanks, Horsey. Uh, that's what I was going to do.

Uh, but thank you. Um, and so I, I just kind of, Henry just kind of wordlessly walks towards the door. Okay. And so... Are you going to roll on the encounter table? That's true. You do need to roll on the encounter table. Yeah, roll on the encounter table, motherfucker.

We're still in Dungeons & Dragons 1.0. It's time to roll. Do it. Okay. So here's the thing about the third floor of a dungeon. Once you hit the third floor, dragons get added to the encounter table. So if I roll poorly...

Really? Yeah, really, genuinely. Let's see it. Okay, so when you open the door to leave the room, there's a dragon by the door with its ear up next to the door. No way. And it's like.

Hey man, that was a lot. Henry hugs the dragon and starts crying and he's just sobbing bawling his eyes out gripping the scales of this dragon and just holding on to it for dear life there's a morale roll please so he rolled really bad he's like oh i didn't i didn't really come for this in my scene i'm good i'm good and the massive dragons tries to sort of slink away from you and just like gently removes your hands just kind of lets it go and then um wipes his eyes and wipes some stock from his mouth and his nose and goes i'm fine i'm fine let's go boys let's go let's get let's get out of here dog ron uh saddles up to henry and uh his ears kind of flopped down and then you know like when breaks down sobbing again and hugs ron for your life

it's it's okay i'm okay ron puts his head back and he's like lark and sparrow begin to climb up your legs like in shadow of the colossus and he's like, Larkin Sparrow begin to climb up your legs, like in shadow of the Colossus. And they just like managed to make their way to your shoulders and they both hug you around the neck and they go father. No, it's okay. It's okay.

We're going to be okay. Just we're very, it's all right. I'm okay. I'm okay. Let's just, let's fine. Let's get out of here.

Although. Okay. Let's just go. Okay. We love you father. Don't say that right now. Okay, boys, just let me get out of here

just let me get out of this okay let's go it's all right it's all right let's go and henry's holding their hands really tight more for his security than theirs and uh he walks out of the dungeon we can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves.

At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Outside the dungeon, Glenn and Daryl, you see Henry leave the dungeon with a lark and sparrow on his shoulder like pauldrons as he holds their hands. And then behind him, Ron the dog. Dog Ron runs up to Ron and is so happy to to see him mustache ron kneels over and goes hey hey there good boy

and he hugs you really close and he puts i've missed you so much i missed you too and he hugs you really close and he puts his nose right next to your ear and then you hear the familiar voice of mr mustache going hey man what's up i was trying to wingman you like friendship wingman you i just I just thought I could do some good. How are you doing? How are you doing? You feeling all right? You know, I'm doing pretty good, actually. I got some good tummy rubs down there.

I mean, Mr. Mustache, I mean, Ron. Nice save. Good save. Thanks. It means a lot that you've been sort of... Daryl's like, excuse me, Mr. Mustache, is ron is your mustache talk ron dog ron turns over ron we know you're still the dog and then standing around goes oh i feel i'm feeling

oh my soul is going back into the up into the dog now everything's confusing bye and he falls over that makes total sense wow dog run curls up next to body run. Henry just wants to get out of this elf body. So Canary's here. So she goes, oh, are you done? I can put you back into your original bodies. I'm done. Okay.

And I set my boys down. No problem at all. Boop. And she boops you on the nose. And then with a bright light on her finger, she goes, oh, I probably should have gotten your body first. Oh, no. She runs over back to where she let your body sit down and she goes into your body.

And then she does the same thing with Ron Dog and Mustache Ron. And now you are back in your original bodies and your homunculi forms just sort of fall over and they look like they're sleeping. Hey, Mr. Mustache. Yeah, what's up? I was wondering, I mean, I've got that dog right there. You know, that dog body's ready to go. If you want him, you could have your own body. You could be a dog, Ron.

But you could be your own person, you know, really? Because you've helped me out so much. And I feel like, you know, the best thing that I could do for you maybe is to let you go, you know? But I still want to hang out with you. I like you. Oh, I would love you to hang out with me all I like you. Oh, I would love you to hang out with me all the time. You know, you're, you're, you're so close to me and everything. But I thought, you know, if you want to sort of explore on your own or just sort of, you know, not have to let

this old guy bring you down or whatever, you could just be a dog mustache. Oh, I like this. It's your choice, buddy. My choice is definitely yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, that's great. Canary overhears this and she's like, did buddy. My choice is definitely yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, that's great. Canary overhears this and she's like, did you need somebody to go back into the dog homunculus? Yes, a friend of mine. A very good friend of mine. Okay.

It's the mustache. Oh, I knew it. I knew you were talking to this mustache, Ron. Well, now he's a very good boy mustache. Yeah, the mustache. Immediately now that the jig is up, it starts to move its tendrils, its little wisp at the end. It goes, yes, I am a good boy. Now I'll be the best boy. The best boy.

Yes, yes, yes. And it's like punching the air with its little mustache arms. And Canary goes and takes the soul out of the mustache and immediately droops. You look like Sam Elliott. And then she puts the soul of the mustache into the dog and the dog immediately grows a new mustache at the front of its snout. And the dog is like, this is correct.

This feels right. This is fine. Wait, I'm confused. Henry, did you guys just find the mustache down there? What happened down there? No, no. What happened? I don't know.

Look, man, it's really fucked up. It's really Frenched up. Excuse me. It's really bad. And I need to speak with my father like right now. Daryl, who's never heard Henry say the F word like that. I've definitely called Daryl the F word several times. But the way you're talking, the way you're talking, Daryl leads over to Glenn is like, we might begin that grease fire ready.

It looks like it went serious. Looks like it went pretty hardcore down there. It's okay. We got similar hardcore actions to be able to respond with. So let's just ride it out and see how this goes. Whatever you need. Should we like, what's the angle? Yeah, do you need us to come in with you?

Are we coming in? Like, what's the plan here, man? We got weapons? Is this like a talk? Like, what's the game plan? Is this a talk or like a talk? This is a talk. This is a normal boring talk

i'm sorry oh okay you know it's gonna be boring for you guys but it's i need to i need to to talk to him um do you want some fries yeah man i'd love some fries sure i hand him a bunch of my fries i've been henry just shovels them into his mouth and just eats them all in like one gigantic go he's like these are delicious uh daryl do you have any more of those beers man father oh no it was all in the car it's all in the beast hey you go talk to your dad i will find you beer it'll be good beer i'll make sure it's good beer what's that you're gonna go get the honda odyssey somehow i'm going to go get the honda odyssey i'm gonna go get my beer and then I'll bring it to you. Six years later, Daryl comes back with a beer. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Guys, I found out some pretty jacked up stuff about where I come from. TLDR, that's the thing

that kids say, right? Correct. Doesn't it mean like trippy, long, dumb read or something like that? I read an article about it. Anyway, in summation, there's some sort of eldritch interdimensional nonsense at play and there's a sort of a family curse in the works here and I need to just settle this dang thing once and for all. Like the F word. Huh? You said a curse. Oh, a curse.

No, I mean, it's not that kind of curse, boys. It's just kind of a darker kind of curse. Father, father. And they're stroking your face like face off and they're like, you can never be cursed if you're who you are. We're the Oak boys. Everything's going to be good. Aw. Thanks, boys. I love you both so much. Yes. Now can we have the gauntlets? Glenn strokes his chin and says, they said they didn't watch face off, yet they know the face off move. Glenn will remember that. Canary, where is my father? I heard that he wants to speak to me.

Yes, absolutely. He'll just be waiting for you at the top of that temple. You shouldn't be stopped. Do you need us to come with you, Henry? Yeah, you know, I feel like we've been pretty split up from each other, and I just feel like I'm not as close to you guys as I used to be, you know, just because it's this adventure. Like, we've been, you know, I guess it's only been a couple hours, but I miss you guys. I think it's time to get the band back together is what you're saying.

I'm pretty scared right now, and I could use my fellow dads to back me up. But it feels like Peyton and your kids should probably lay low. I, whatever, man. Fuck it. Who cares? Let's just go. Let's just do it. Let's all go.

Let's go. I'm sick of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just, I'm bringing the kids. I'm like pushing Peyton along. It's like, yeah, yeah, just go. Henry just starts walking towards the temple. Okay.

Is the walk long enough that Ron explains everything that's happened in the video? If Ron wishes to, yes. Ron, are you going gonna tell us what you saw what i saw uh okay so it's like it's like there's a flashback to like uh a long time ago and then this woman she's in the wrong place right and then she goes to a different place and then it's really scary but instead of being scared she just sees this hot guy and she's like yo let's get together and they get together and then they have um i have a kid and then there's like this uh creepy juice that gets into the kid and um the kid so henry's at the door that tell me says you guys come to one okay do we know what happened yes yes okay we knew what happened we know what was yeah

so the door to the temple is open and waiting for you and the guards out in front of the temple usher you in and they say there's an elevator in the center prince oak he waits for you in the highest chamber of the temple great great as i'm walking by the guards i go like hey they got some french fries up in the uh food court over there you guys should check it out french fries and they run henry's pretty over this So he steps into the middle of the elevator and he's just like, all right, what do we do? I saw a spell or something. What do we do? Once all of you are inside the elevator, it just begins to rise because it's like a flat platform that is at the top of a tree and the tree, you feel this like groaning, stretching as the tree

beneath you just starts to grow and rise up with you. And as you rise up, you see that the interior of this temple, there are trees damn near everywhere. It's not made out of wood, but they're just the same beautiful tree, copy and pasted all over the inside of this place as well at different levels and different sizes, almost in a way that doesn't seem, it's not symmetrical.

It just draws your eye in a weird way. Like why are there so many of these damn trees in here? What for? And a lot of graven images of Barry being heroic, being handsome, doing yoga, speaking to large crowds of people. So that's my dad, being handsome, doing yoga, speaking to large crowds of people. So that's my dad, guys. That's my dad. This is what I grew up with is all this. He seems like he he thinks he's cool, huh? She sure does. And eventually you reach the top

floor and there is a big closed door in front of you. And to the right, there is an open door. And through that, you can see an older version of the woman that you saw in the film, Who Bury Mary, an older version of your mother, Autumn, sitting in her room, knitting furiously. So the look of anger on Henry's face melts, and he stops and he says, Mom? And he steps towards her. Your mother looks up and she sees you. And for a microsecond, you see a joy flash over her face. And then it's replaced with utter disappointment. And she just goes, oh, he found you.

Mom, it's me. It's Hen. And he sort of stumbles towards her nervously. Hi, I know it's been a bit. I've been, I got lost. How are you? Are you okay? I was better before you came back, son. I missed you, mom.

I miss you so much. I missed you too for a little while. And then I thought, no, it's good. You got away. You got away from all, all this, but now you're back and things are going to be worse than they were. I'm going to make, I'm going to fix it, mom. I'm going to make it better. Okay. I don't, I mean, I don't know what's going on and I'm, but I'm here now, you know, and we're going to, I'm going to, whatever's going on, I'm going to fix it for us. Your mother takes the knitting needles into one of her hand and she comes towards you and she grabs you by the shoulders and she goes, you have to find a way to kill him. This can't keep happening.

Whatever is wrong with this family, whatever horrible shit has happened, it has to end with you and whoever those are your kids. You have kids. I have my grandmother. Holy shit. These are my boys. This is Larkin Sparrow. It has to end. These are your grandkids.

Mom. I don't want to meet them. I don't want to meet them. I don't want to meet them. Okay. Okay. I'm going to go now. I love you.

Don't come back. And Henry turns and walks out the door and closes it. You hear sobbing from inside. Okay, guys. This is going to be tough. Just follow my lead in there, okay? Yep. We have your back, man. You got it, buddy.

I turn to Larkin Sparrow, and I get down on one knee, and I say, boys, I love you so much. And Lord knows I have not been the best father to you, and I did not have the best father, and maybe I didn't learn the stuff I should have learned to teach you how to be a man. And maybe I didn't, I didn't learn the stuff I should have learned to teach you how to be a man. And I'm sorry. And if we make it through this, I'm going to try to do better. And I'm going to be tougher on you guys. Cause you know, sometimes you just drive me crazy.

You know, I love you so much, but sometimes you drive me crazy and it scares the shit out of me. You got to learn to control yourselves for Pete's sake. Look at all this. I know you don't understand any of this yet, but someday you will. And you're going to know that you got to learn to control yourselves for Pete's sake. Look at all this. I know you don't understand any of this yet, but someday you will. And you're going to know that you got to love yourself, but you got to control yourself too. But I don't know what's going to happen in there. So Henry reaches into the bag and he takes the gauntlets out and he puts one on Lark and he puts one on Sparrow. And he says, you two protect each other and love each other and fight for each other no matter what. And you love everyone in this world. You care for everyone in this world. You never close your heart to anybody. And I don't know if I can ever tell you to stop being so crazy. Maybe that's just a part of who we are. You know, maybe it's just a part of who we are is we've got this thing inside of us that we don't know if I can ever tell you to stop being so crazy. Maybe that's just a part of who we are.

You know, maybe it's just a part of who we are is we've got this thing inside of us that we don't understand. And I'm not going to tell you to be ashamed of it. I'm not going to tell you to hate it. Cause Lord knows I hated it. And me so long. And I fought it for so long and it looked where it got me,

but you have to love each other and you have to love everybody. And I want you to treat everybody in this world. Like you treat your brother. Okay. Cause I know the two of you love each other and you have to love everybody. And I want you to treat everybody in this world like you treat your brother. Okay. Cause I know the two of you love each other and I want you to share that with the world. And if anything happens in there, you fight like hell for each other. The kids put their gauntleted fists together and towards you and they go, father, so long as we are together, it will be OAK. go and i get up and i open the door to the other room as you open the door you see an offensively well furnished room it's like a throne room out of your dreams every single piece of wood in here is filigreed with gold there are infuriatingly

tasteful and well designed statues of Barry Oak surrounding the perimeter of the room. And in the center of the room, you see Barry himself standing with a staff. And why don't you go ahead and roll perception or investigation? I got a 24. You see that the crystal at the top of this staff, that's the crystal that you saw him making in the film after Autumn tried to kill him. And also with a 24, you can tell that he's hiding something from you.

There's something in this room that he does not want you to see. And you can also feel with a certainty, and with a 24, you can know that this is actually separate from the hidden thing. You know that somewhere in this room is your anchor. Hi, dad. Those tears can only mean one thing.

You've seen the truth. Oh, I'm so proud of you for getting through. What do you want? I want you to stay here. Our whole lives, you and I, and I'm sure your sons, we've always felt this sense that we were just a little bit better than other people, a little bit more special, that there was something about us that was a little bit smarter and more kind and more empathetic. And we, we were always disappointed by other people.

And now you know why that is. It's because there's something incredible that was inside me. And now it's inside you and your children. You have this incredible thing, this thing that goes beyond words, beyond names, beyond understanding some sort of God, some power, who knows, but it's within you. And I can teach you how to control that because my poor boy, you understand. I mean, no one knows better than you. Your anger can get out of control. You can lose a handle on it. Bad things can happen when you lose control of yourself. And now you know how bad, and those, those two boys, I've been watching them from a distance. They are certainly something to behold

if they ever lost control. And with your parenting style, it is a little bit possible that they will. Some very bad things could happen. And I just want you to know that I care about you. I like you. And while you are in Oakvale, we can learn this power together.

We can learn how to harness it and use it for good. That's all I want. No. Why? Yeah, this place sucks. Yeah, fuck you, buddy. Okay, well, obviously your emotions are, be deeper in through the nose, out through the mouth.

Henry sticks his hand back to the guys like, I got this. I'm just like, dude, you suck. I know you want to go back to your world. And hey, for you, I would love that as well. I'm sure your wife or whoever the mother of these two is, I'm sure she's great, whatever. The thing is, if this power inside you, if you can't control it properly, or you can't control your kids properly, it could mean the end of the entire reality that you're

in. You could go back to your home and your little human wife and all your little human friends. They could be consumed in chaos and randomness if you can't control them. And frankly, my boy, my poor son, you know as well as I do, you can't control these children. You can't control yourself. There is something superior in you, but you're so afraid of it. You're so upset at yourself for that specialness within you that it just manifests as all this rage. And it's so cute that you won't admit how wonderful you truly are. But the time has come to accept that part of yourself. And I can help you.

If you stay here, we can keep all the world safe. We can keep your children safe. We can find a way to bring your lovely wife here, perhaps. But you can't simply leave. That would be that would be foolish. That would be a classic Henry Oak blunder, as I used to say when you were growing up. Dad, I what do you want from me? What is this? You fucking kidding me? I can't. What? What is this bullshit all about? Yeah, there's some there's some fucked up thing happened to our family. Some bad thing happened to my grandma. And it passed on to you and it passed on to me. And that's just part of who we are. And we've got to deal with that. And that doesn't make us better than anyone. Doesn't make us worse than he is just a thing who gives a shit. So reality is a little more complicated than we thought it was. And there's

weird gods and demons and who the hell else knows what's going on, but doesn't make us better. It doesn't, it doesn't work that way. So Barry begins to very calmly do yoga and he goes, oh, he's stretching. And he goes, I was prepared for this. Yes, yes, yes. The funny thing about anger is it comes from a place of inferiority and not quite believing in yourself sufficiently. And that's why you've never seen me to be angry, Henry.

That's because I know. Oh yeah, I had just passive angry. Yeah, no, I- Give me a fucking break. You've been angry the entire time I've known you. Oh, that's good. Roll persuasion with advantage. Oh, cool.

I got a 19. his eye twitch. You hear his breathing, his practiced rhythmic breathing. It goes a little bit off tempo and he flicks an eye in a direction. He goes, oh, this will be delightful. In what way am I angry exactly? Stop, dad, stop. Dad, I love you, okay? Despite everything, I love you. And maybe I'm just seeing things a little bit more clearly now, but I think you're angry for the same reason that I'm angry because the thing that's inside you, that's inside me, it scares you the way it scares me. And I'm angry because I can't control it. I don't think I'm perfect. I don't think I'm better than everyone. I think I'm fucked up. I think I'm a broken man. And I try so hard. Do you think my fucking favorite TV show is the sunrise? Man,

So do you think my fucking favorite TV show is the sunrise? Man, I like tears. I don't fucking care about the sunrise. I'm sick of it, dude. Oh shit. You fight it and you fight it and you squeeze it down more and more and more. And you know, I guess maybe your way of dealing with it is shit. I don't know what it was like for you when you were a little kid with grandma and grandpa. And you must have been so confused. It must have been so scary for you. And I don't know what you kind of

received growing up, but this isn't normal. And I don't mean to say that to shame you. I just, you know, like you don't have to be this amazing, perfect guy. You can just be Barry. That was all I ever wanted from you growing up, man. I just wanted a dad. People don't love you. People don't love you because you don't show yourself. You just show them this image of what you want to be. And everyone sees through it, but they're just scared of you to say anything. Well, I'm saying something, dad, like you're angry, you're pissed off and just maybe accept that for a second. Maybe you're not going to beat this thing. Maybe that, you know, there's not shit. I'm rambling, man. I'm I just can we not can we just put this away? I I spent so long hating you and then I forgot

about you. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but it's, it was always in the back of my head somewhere. And here I am and I got to face it now, but dad, I can't carry hate for you in my heart. I, what does that teach my boys? I just told them they got to love everybody, which means I have to love you and I love you. And I don't, I don't want to fight. Your mom said she wants me to kill you. What does that say about you? What does that say about your relationship, man? Damn. Just dad, let's not, let's just, just give me my anchor. And like, you know, maybe who knows what's going to happen, but I know that this isn't working. What you're doing, what you've been doing isn't working and it's not too late to change.

Roll persuasion. Do I get advantage on that one? No. It was great, but I just can't keep giving you advantage. Oh, I got a 17. Okay. Okay. It's right on the edge of what I was gonna do okay we'll stop edging our dm

god barry pauses for a second and he moves through his vinyasa and he stands and he says fine not a problem and he moves to a chest on his desk, a little chest. He opens it up and he takes out a bottle of overnight oats. And you can sense once it's out of its chest, this is your anchor. And he holds it up in his hand and he goes, Willie gave this to me. He said not to let you have it under any circumstances. He said to keep it hidden. I am choosing to ignore that direction from him.

And now I give it to you, Penn, my son. And he holds it out to you. Can I make a perception check on my daddy? It would be insight, but yes. I too would like to make an insight check. Glenn knows not to accept cereal from strangers, and he narrows his eyes. I got a 10. Okay, so with a 10, you can't tell if he's telling the truth or not.

Glenn, what about you? I got an 18. Okay, with an 18. Glenn's had a lot of bad deals. He's gotten a good six cents for it. Glenn's had a lot of condescending people offering cereal. You don't do a lot of mall gigs

without dealing with some of the scum of the earth. You know what I'm saying? Some of these malls, man. These guys, they don don't get you paid you're halfway across state lines before you even see a check nah he knows he's got a nose for it so you can tell that the overnight oats that he's handing to henry are indeed the anchor but that there is something deeply desperately horribly important that he is not telling henry i kind of like use my foot to kind of nudge henry in the back of the ankle a little bit and i'm like henry i've been through a lot of deals something about this feels fishy i don't like it one bit can i roll like arcana i weirdly

have plus four in it and i just want to see if i can sense anything that's kind of weird i like isn't the overnight oats. Check out the big brain on Ron. Yes. Go ahead and roll Arcana for me. That is a natural one. Unfortunately. You hate to see it.

Cannot tell. I have plus six in athletics. Can I like, is there anything I can like lift that would let me know what's going on? Yeah, do that. The question on every jock's mind. I've got it. Lift Ron up, and then I'll roll Arcana again because I'll be higher up. Higher point of view.

Yeah. That's very stupid, so yeah, go ahead and do that. All right. Oh, great. Perfect. Let me help you out because Ron is short. I'm like, let me help you out here. Yeah.

And Daryl picks up even with a plus six. He gets a nine. So I feel like Daryl tries to pick up Ron and then he goes, oh, and his back gives out. And he just kneels down and goes, shit, sorry, Ron, get off me. Get off me. Sorry. Okay, I'll give y'all one more go.

If one person wants to give me a perception check. All right, I'll give you a perception check. Can I bardic inspiration you right now. Can I bardic inspiration you right now? Can I bardic inspiration you right now? You could bardo me. Like you just pull out your guitar and strum a chord? What do you do? No, I'd probably just kind of like whisper some lyrics. What do you whisper? Having

heard the Henry Oak album, he's gonna whisper... You're thinking about Cartwright's Pussy? Yeah. He's over there like, yabba dabba doom, give my pussy a TED Talk. Yeah, I whisper to Henry, I go like, Henry, yabba-dabba-doom. All right.

That's disadvantage. It throws him off his game so hard. I don't, it's my dad, dude. What are you talking about? What did he say? What did that one say? He, don't worry about it.

I got a, um, 19 perception and then I'll, what does Bardic get me? I can roll a D6. You can roll a D8

to add to it. All right, I'm going to put some stank on it then. I got an eight. So that's like a, wow, that's a 27. So the check was for a 20.

So you, you, you smash the check. So that's like a 27. So the check was for a 20. So you smash the check. So you notice it's so small and it's so subtle. It's no wonder that you didn't notice it before. But there is a tiny, tiny, tiny little dot above the left eyebrows of Lark and Sparrow. What? And you remember that when Canary was telling you about the homunculi, when she pointed out Paden, she said that was Barry's signature on all this homunculi. Paden has that same dot in that same spot, and Lark and Sparrow have one as well, but it's very small and

very subtle, and you just now realized it. Dad? Yes, son? Where are my children? They're right in front of you. They're holding very silly looking gloves. No, those are, they've got your little dot on them. Oh. My commitment to my brand, I knew it was going to be, I knew I was going to regret that one of those days. Uh, yes.

Yes. Correct. Yes. Those are homunculi with the souls of your children inside of them. Yes. Daryl leans over to Glenn. He's like, Henry can't be mad because like it wasn't really his kids that we. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Technically, we are completely absolved of any parenting crimes that we did. Now, this is actually a plus for us. Probably a negative for us as a whole. Wait a minute. Did you do this to all the kids? No, no. I don't want your disgusting kids. No, no, no.

Just the special. Okay. Just these two beautiful boys. Where are my children, Dad? I wonder... I wonder if you're right. I wonder if trying to tamp these emotions down

is not the right move. If trying to hide this darkness inside of us, this chaos that's just bubbling beneath the surface, I wonder if that's... Perhaps in some way that's dishonest. Perhaps you're correct. And he

with horrifying speed punches the air upward just whoom! And the wooden surface of the floor that you're standing on, almost like or exactly like an earthbender from Avatar, a pillar of wood, a big branch practically with a fist on the end of it just, a pillar of wood, a big branch,

like with a, practically with a fist on the end of it, just a bald bunch of branches, normal bunch of branches. One of them comes out and just hits Sparrow in the face so hard. He flies through the air and slams against the back wall of the room.

And he goes, I think actually I'd like to see your fucking anger henry henry fucking turns into a bear and he says okay then let's go oh shit it's on It's gonna be alright It'll be alright Cause that's just life All you do is try And it'll be alright Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson.

Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. We are supported by our patrons at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. You should probably check that website out. In the meantime, shout out to Dylan Irwin,

Ty Enrico, Milo Meadsong is an uncle. I love you, Willa. That's a very long name. Millie Z, Christian Friend, Kay Burnett, Jim Poggle, Kyle Fisher, Jordan K. Thomas, Thomas Niebuhr, Kendall Hunt, Julian De Los Santos, Ezekiel Suar, Cody Kirker, Sarah Watson, Jasmine Phillips, Claire Rowe, Nicholas Johnson,

Asad Khan, and Megan Fisk. Some things we want to tell you about. First of all, if you're in the United States, we're heading into an election. Have you registered to vote? Voting, as you know, is considered by many to be the ultimate pro gamer move. So if you haven't registered yet, head on over to headcount.org slash the daddies to get yourself properly registered to vote. We have a registration goal. And if we hit that hit that we're gonna do a bonus west wing style one shot full of intense long hallway walk and talk scenes head on over to headcount.org slash the daddies get over there register it only takes two minutes our store is up with dftba now and our shipping rates aren't totally wild so if you want merch head on over to dftba.com click on creators click on dungeons and

daddies check out what we have on offer follow us on twitter at dungeons and dads red.com slash r slash dungeons and daddies our website dungeonsanddaddies.com thank you so much for listening next episode is coming at you september 29th so we will see you then there was a time when you could read between the lines

you know they never brought you down never brought you down never brought you down listen I don't want to spread hate on anybody but like if there's 17 minutes of things wrong with the godfather part 2 I'm just like shut the fuck up

part 2 is Roman numbers not the number. It should be the doodly two, just the two. Ding! Whoa, got brother two got fucking owned on YouTube today.