Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 44 - Deck Picks

Episode Date: October 13, 2020

Henry, Ron, Glenn, and Mr. Moustache draw from The Deck of Many Things, and nothing will ever be the same...This episode contains graphic language, violence, sexual content, drug/alcohol use, and animal death.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hello? So, I remember you said that you didn't like board games once. Is that right? Yeah. Or, I mean, not normally. You don't have fond memories sitting around in the den, gathered around the Monopoly board, bartering properties and real estate. I mean, what about like chess or checkers?

I've got this script that was due two days ago, Freddie. I'm really busy. When did you first know that you hated board games? I don't know. What is this? What are you doing this for? Are you recording this? Well, I was thinking this might be a good way to get into this week's episode. Just a little bit of offbeat banter between co-hosts before we start. I mean, I think everybody probably thinks pretty badly of you now that they know that you hate board games. I'm just myself. I'm not going to pretend. Why are you pushing me? What's your favorite Monopoly piece? Like, is there a, they're like a car? Oh yeah,

the race car. Yeah, that one's a real crowd favorite. See, I would have swore that you would have gone for like the little Scottish Terrier. Oh yeah, there's a dog. Okay. Freddie, I gotta go. I can't be talking about this. Wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna be over in a second for

the car draw, so just, you know, keep an eye out. I'll text you. What do you mean you're going to be over? Okay, bye. See you soon. From somewhere in the Forgotten Realms, I'm Freddie Wong, and this is Dungeons and Daddies. Today's episode, Deck Picks. It is Tuesday, October 6th, and I have with me 18 specially treated playing cards. By specially treated, I mean I took a sharpie and I drew words on them. Of the remaining cards in the deck of many things. I'm about to drive to each of the respective daddy's locations to have them physically draw from this deck. After they draw, the plan is they will be putting their cards into sealed envelopes

so that nobody will know what cards they've drawn until the moment of our record, at which point we'll be opening those envelopes up and seeing exactly what has transpired. So. All right, here we go. Hello. Hi, sir. Are you aware that we're a neighborhood watch community? I've written on the front of these what the cards are. You're going to draw two, first for Ron and then for Mr. Mustache.

Okay. And so I'm not allowed to look at them? No. So the moment you draw them, you're going to preserve the order that you drew them. Okay. And you're going to put them in the envelopes and we're going to seal the envelopes until tonight. Okay. So go ahead and take these cards, shuffle them up. I'll hold the envelope. Okay. I'm going to shuffle them up. I'll hold the envelope. I'm going to shuffle them up.

That's a terrible looking shuffle. Well, it's, you know... How do you feel right now? I feel pretty nervous. I feel like I feel less nervous than the rest of the cast because I actually don't know what any of these mean. So you haven't looked up anything? No, I looked up... Somebody said something on Reddit and they were all bad.

So I'm like, well, I'm not going to look into the details of how bad these are. Fan through it and pick two for Ron. Okay. So that'll be the first one. It's gonna be first one. Okay. And then let's see this is gonna be the second one. Okay so. Oh man that was pretty hard. Same thing for Mr. Mustache mustache another two okay that's gonna be number one okay i'll hold it and then number two right there i'm sure i think i'm sure i'm sure yeah i mean i already pulled it okay all right you have drawn my good officially this is awful wow for the two the amount of dread that i feel right now. Okay. Okay. So hang on to those.

I'll see you in a little bit. Okay. So I am up next here. So I'm just going to do it in the comfort of my Honda Odyssey. I'm going to go one, two, three, four. In that order, into the sealed envelope it goes. There we go. All right, moving on.

So here's what I want you to do. I want you to shuffle. Oh, yeah, shuffle them up real good. Now, the order you draw them in matters so choose three and stack them out okay so one you can shuffle in between or you're just gonna let out shuffle in between i feel i want to throw up two three okay how are you feeling you did four didn't you yeah but i don't know whatever so i So I'm going to put it. I'm going to seal the envelope. I am sealing the envelope. The envelope and Henry's fate are both sealed. All right.

I will see you in a little bit. In an hour. In an hour and a half. When we find out what's in it. Don't open until then. Just like Christmas. I'm just getting that Prius driving away audio. It's going to sound amazing.

That sounds like shit welcome to dungeons and daddies what may very well be the last final episode of Dungeons and Daddies, depending. We don't know. Guys, it's been great. I've had such a great time. These last seven years have been a dream. As we go on. I mean, it might be a BDSM podcast, depending on what card we draw, right?

That's not really one of the cards, unless you have a very specific wish. I didn't look at it. It might not be a podcast anymore, you know? Generally, this podcast is not a BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons & Dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. Four dads flung into the Forgotten Realms done dirty by their DM with treachery and tricks afoot.

Sorry, Freddie. I was just so mad I had to interrupt your intro. Please go again. My name is Freddie Wong. Thank you, Will Campos, fellow co-host. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This week's dad fact for Glenn, since cards are on the mind, a little fact about Glenn's current Blackjack lifetime earnings slash losses.

Glenn's lifetime Blackjack is negative seven thousand dollars oh my god but positive 12 m&ms from a game that he played when he was like 13 and they were using m&ms in the black when it comes to the m&ms freddy how much uh has he drank back in comps drinks from the hotel while playing blackjack yeah is this like one night or if he's going to blackjack all the time that's not that much lifetime lifetime lifetime but have you gone once or do you go all the time no not all the time it's glenn goes and plays blackjack to about the same amount of time i think the average adult who attends the occasional bachelor party in vegas

or reno who occasionally comes by a casino yeah so glenn's very bad at blackjack it's terrible i work with a producer that went to vegas every other week wow to play blackjack so if he told me lifetime like 7 000 that's not that much like you know whatever it's like you're 200 a time if you go but sure sure but in glenn's case he's very bad at blackjack he's bad because glenn's always the kind of guy back 16 and it's like dealer is showing four it's like hit me baby no way it's like sir you really should even the casino pit boss is like sir just please you're not glenn only plays for 21 i get it yeah only for 21 to win and winning is getting 21.

Hello. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian upon entering the Forgotten Realms. To continue our wonderful journey through Daryl's five senses, we will hit. In the realm of Daryl's senses. In the realm of Daryl's senses. We will hit, I guess we'll go with smell. So Daryl's favorite smell is the smell he can't smell it anymore but it was the smell of Grant's hair when he was a toddler or a little kid oh

that baby smell still that baby smell that good old baby smell his least favorite smell is wet peanut butter if you ever this is also a mat fact. This is Matt's favorite smell. What? How does this happen? How often have you run into wet peanut butter? So now this is going to become a Matt fact. My little brother only ate peanut butter as a kid, peanut butter and crackers. And so he would just take scoops of peanut butter, eat it, and then put the spoon in the sink. And I always did the dishes. And if you ever have like a chunk of peanut butter that just sits in water in a sink,

I can't describe its smell. But in my thought, it's that Carol's very healthy and does a lot of green drinks and a lot of peanut butter toast. And she always just throws the knife into the sink and then Daryl comes in the afternoon to do those dishes. A lot of soggy peanut butter smell. Just absolutely vile. Boy, leave her. Why am I not

surprised that Carol is a make the smoothie, don't clean the blender type of person? Yes, absolutely. Daryl's a bit doer. I think that this dad bag was engineered to make us believe that Daryl does the dishes when he clearly does not. He's a stay-at-home coach, Dad. He better be doing the fucking dishes.

He better be doing the dishes. Yeah, he better be doing the dishes, not doing much else at home. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play the fictional character Henry Oak on the podcast Dungeons & Daddies. Almost not going to be a BDSM podcast or a podcast anymore.

Henry is a hippie granola munchin. I haven't said granola munchin in a while. Granola's kind of been phased out, so I want to bring it back. He's a granola munchin, Birkenstock rockin, hippie nature druid dad. And my fact about Henry this week is that when Henry was a little baby boy, his father cast a spell on him that makes him immune to the deck of many things later bitches oh my goodness no that wasn't your 9 000 iq play no it wasn't i have a separate play my real dad fact is i want to talk about henry's favorite fruit so henry's favorite fruit is, oh God,

the minions from Despicable Me. Now hear me out. Sorry. What? I don't think I will. I don't think I've ever been less inclined to hear somebody out in the history of sentences. He thinks that they're little bananas

because he hasn't seen the movie and he thinks that they're sentient bananas and the boomer memes crack him up. So he's like, that's my favorite fruit is those little bananas from despicable me and uh every time he sees them he and like social media he makes the joke he goes those guys are bananas but no one gets it because they're not bananas so i mean they do love bananas and say banana yeah so i think that's probably where he got his wires crossed so that's his favorite fruit i wanted to give you a really bad henry fact because henry could fucking die this episode and I wanted to give you a really bad Henry fact because Henry can fucking die this episode.

And I want to make it a little bit sad. I want to make it a little bit easier for people to let go of Henry. Hello, my name is Beth May. Or should I say goodbye? Because this might be it. Let's see. I had a really clever one that I just thought up on the fly. But you were so intimidated so

you have to start over yeah well because like will just gave a ron fact basically like that's what i was i was about to say that sounded like a ron it did speaking of cards again blackjack you know the cards that we're about to pick to end ourselves um i think that ron thinks that face cards like ron does not think he's ever seen a face card because obviously a face card would have a face on it and it wouldn't be, you know, a king or, you know, like if there's not a big face on the card, that's not a face card. That's just a regular card. I mean, they have faces.

Well, it's not, you know, if you're calling it a face card, it should be, it should be a huge face. Yeah. Like literally. Oh, I see. That's face. The whole card should be a face. Yeah, like literally. Oh, I see. That's fair. I'm with Ron on this one. You'd think they'd call them like the royalty cards or something like that.

Because they're all royalty. There's faces on a lot of stuff and you don't think that's a face thing. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It would be royalty, but what about the Jack? Isn't the Jack royalty in some way? He's the cool, isn't he? What the fuck is the Jack?

The Jokers, my friend, are the't he what the fuck is that what is the jokers my friend are the fools what the fuck is a jack jack is like their bratty kid that's a good reading it seems like it's some sort of version of nave like the lowest member of a court or something so i mean it's a thing yeah the intern yeah the intern i could be the son of doug i I have the Doug of spades. All bratty sons are called Jack. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad.

Hi. Screw you, dad. Yeah, you suck, dad. Just real quick. Just real quick. I want to call out somebody. Okay. Damn.

They're one of the more handsome people. Oh, that's nice. Thanks, Anthony. Go on. They can handle this. James McAvoy, you're a fucking coward. Wow. You think you could be in a movie

where the premise is that you don't have the script and you don't know what you're going to be doing and you can improv your way through the whole thing you think that makes you courageous if you weren't a fucking coward you would come on this podcast where nobody knows what they're doing i love it nobody has any idea what's going on yeah that would show your range yeah as a true actor yeah if you were a good actor you'd be on this podcast, James. You beautiful Scottish piece of shit. Why don't you come on our damn podcast? I won't be mean to James.

I will just say, oh my God, please come on our podcast. I would freak out. Oh my God, you're so dreamy. Oh, in atonement, everything. Those looks aren't going to last forever, James. Oh my God. You will last forever at D&D Podcast. Immortalize yourself as a Dnd podcast host james pod james podcast

james podcast mackleroy i'm not even gonna say what james podcast mackleroy uh that should be canonically the adventure of podcasts is james podcast mackleroy that has to be that has to be an NPC later. Just save it. But at some point, James' podcast mackerel has to show up. All right, let's do this. Let's do this. To briefly summarize what happened last episode,

you fought Barry Oak. You freed the true Lark and Sparrow. You got the overnight oats that are Henry's anchor. And as you left, what you thought was canary offered you what you thought was seaweed snacks. But in reality, it was CERN who had stolen the deck of many things from you and had tricked you via some transmogrification magic into drawing from that deck. The last time that you saw Cern, you had won the deck of many things from four nights. He demanded it from you so that he could draw from it and try to revive his dead children.

You refused, and he said, well, fine, fuck you guys then, and basically just walked into the sunset, presumably never to be seen again. Daryl doesn't usually regret his decisions, but depending on what happens, we'll see. It was a real deck move. That's pretty funny. Gotta get one last one in.

I know. That's just how you make it easier. No, I get it. I'm just gonna get yeeted into the fucking void, so. I get it. All right. So before we get into drawing from the deck itself, Freddie, do you want to talk about

what you have been spending today doing? Yeah, so as you heard at the beginning of the episode, everybody has drawn the cards for their characters and have sealed those cards away in envelopes to be opened now. So we all have in our hands the cards that we drew. Glenn drew four. Henry has drawn three cards. Ron has drawn two cards.

And then Mr. Mustache, beloved trusty dog mustache man, has also drawn two cards. Daryl drew zero. Fuck you, you daryl you're pretty bad he's grabbing some fries i do want to point out that daryl is the one who summoned the pyramid that killed cern's kids and yet all of us are bearing the brunt of the fucking consequences right now if our lord and savior christopher nolan doesn't consider letting Raghu fall being the act of killing, then I would say that I am clear on this moral problem of releasing the pyramid. If you can have a guy on a train, destroy the controls of that train, and then intentionally ram that train into a building and the train kills the man, that's not murder. I'm not going to kill your kids, but I'm not going to not drop a pyramid on them either. Who didn't catch the bag?

I threw the bag and it spilled. Somebody didn't catch it. Oh my God, no, you literally threw it. Let's not litigate the events in my staircase. Guys, we're a team, and this is the last time we're going to- Doodlers, doodlers, we can't, we can't- This is the last time we're going to video there. We're about to go through hell.

We need to stick together. So while Daryl's saying that, you can all feel your cards vibrating in your hands. Hang on one second, Daryl. These seaweed snacks seem to be... Oh my golly, gee goodness, I'm holding four cards from the deck of many things. Cern, you freaking stinker. What's your problem? And Cern goes, no, no, no, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Because I found out, guys, there's a thing about this entire area. There's an anti-violence field around it. So if anything bad shows up, it won't actually hurt you. I did this perfectly. You can't die. Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, CERN.

CERN, I wish you would ask because we just broke that dang thing. Oh, no. The color drains out of CERN's face and he goes, oh, no. And as he says that.

It's kind of like the exact thing that could have prevented all of this. You know, that's kind of, that's wild and he goes, oh no, and as he says that. It's kind of like the exact thing that could have prevented all of this, you know? That's kind of, that's wild. What a trip, Cern. Hi, again, by the way. Hey, hey, Ron. So as Cern is freaking out about the fact that

he may have just killed you all, who drew first? Did we level up? Wait, we all level up. Yes, okay, so we've never made leveling up anything other than a meta thing. So A, you level up, and B, everybody levels up, and Cern reaches into his pack and goes, uh, uh, and starts grabbing every potion and every like charm he can find and just starts throwing them at you. He forces a drought down your throat as you guzzle from it. And he like rub some magic stones on you and stuff. And so you feel you get all your spell slots and all of your health. I go, I go, I go to Cern and I go, nah, I'm good. Oh, you sure? Okay. So yeah, everybody except for Glenn is back at full health and full spell slots.

Well, no, when you level up, you go full health, don't you? No, it's not a video game. It's not a video game, Freddie. Ding. You need a rest. No, you have to rest to get health up. Hey, Anthony, I know I'm almost dead, but in the middle of this fight, I think I just leveled up so I get all my health back. I love that you guys are coming at me being like, that's not how, everything's made up, idiots.

It's all a game. There's a logic to the fact that after you get mortally wounded, you have to take a nap and then your health comes back. You can't just come back willy nilly. Yeah, you need a rest. That makes sense. I don't know. Like sometimes like I've had like a really good lunch

and I swear afterwards i'm like i leveled up on that one like i feel great like i definitely am approaching life with more verve and pep in my step thanks to that fried chicken so i will ask you again and for the last time do you want cern to refill you to full health yeah yeah yeah yeah okay so everybody is back at full health everybody has all their spell slots. Now, the moment of truth, who drew the first card? So I'm looking back at the transcript from the previous episode. It's not clear because Henry rolls a perception check. Glenn chimes in and says he grabs a bunch. I feel like the easier way would just be like if Henry and I roll initiative. Sure. Yeah. Whoever gets the higher initiative roll will be the person that pulled first. We'll resolve one card from

each person going around and round Robin. And at the very least i think it's going to be ron first and then mr mustache okay so it'll be whichever one of you two wins an initiative role and then the third place is ron in the fourth place of mr mustache okay cool cool boy here we go i got a seven initiative plus two i got a 17 okay okay henry draws the first card okay as henry's doing it he says daryl get my kids out of here get payton out of here i don't want them to see whatever's gonna happen uh sorry i'm also looking at my leveling up i'm just trying to think sorry i'm too busy leveling up fucking daryl's looking at his fucking biceps you feel like yes yes i might be the only one who could save you i'm sorry to see what I get when I'm level nine.

Okay, so as you're drawing it, you're essentially realizing what happened. I'm shouting to you because I have to turn this card over now. Daryl instantly, as he's drawing it in slow motion, Daryl thinks about how he got a little stronger. He's like, I feel good. But then the screech of Henry cuts through that

and he instantly dives towards the three children, you know, like it's an earthquake, like tries to cover them. Okay, Henry. All right, here's the envelope. Oh, God, I'm going to puke. So just draw one card. We're going to do one card from each of you. And I have not looked up any of these cards, so please describe what they do to me.

Yeah, I haven't either. Because I just, like, I didn't want to be more depressed. Okay, I got Rogue. What does Rogue do? Okay, so Rogue is a perfectly fine one to start off with. A non-player character of the DM's choice becomes hostile toward you. The identity of your new enemy is not known until the NPC or someone else reveals it. Nothing less than a wish spell or a divine intervention can end the NPC's hostility towards you.

I feel like so many NPCs are already very hostile toward us. Fucking take a number. Take a number, suckers. Okay, no, but like this would drive Henry insane that there's someone out there that doesn't like him and he doesn't know who it is. So does Henry know that that's what happened? Like who explains that to Henry? Yes. Basically, the way we're going to contextualize this is that when you feel a card, much like

in Yu-Gi-Oh!, you immediately feel the truth of the card, like, going through you. Ah, Yu-Gi-Oh! So you know that this has happened. So Henry draws this card and goes, oh, jeez, oh, no, oh, no, oh, God, oh, no. What's wrong, Henry? It's just, this one's really bad, guys. Someone out there is mad at me, and I don't know who it is. Should I keep covering the kids?

Yeah, for now, because I don't know what else is going to happen. I just know someone out there wants to kill me. Oh, man. Oh, darn this deck. Sometimes when people who I don't know don't like me, Samantha tells me to get off of the New York Times

comment section. Thanks, Ron. I don't read fake Thanks, Ron. I don't read fake news. Holy, what a twist. If you had drawn the alignment switcher, oh, hell yeah. Oh my goodness. Just kidding.

Henry doesn't say that. He says, thanks, Ron. You know, I post on there a lot too. I hope it's not one of the people I ticked off. Oh, geez. It probably is. This is like you got mail. I feel like Henry was

blasting Ron on New York Times Comma section without them knowing. Cern mentions this now. He goes, oh, you got rogue. Okay, okay, that's not such a bad one. So when I drew, I got key, which allows you to get a rare magic weapon, and then I drew talents, which destroys every magic item that

you have. So I can't really help that much. I'm sorry. Good luck. You've got like 10 bad ones and I think eight good ones and one neutral one. So we'll see how this goes. Glenn. Doesn't Henry just keep drawing?

I want to do it like in Christmas where dad opens the present and then mom does. Oh, okay. I drew Comet. That sounds pretty dangerous. Daryl hugs the kids really tight thinking a comet's going to come down. So, Glenn, you feel, and you know this to be true, that if you single-handedly defeat the next hostile monster or group of monsters you encounter, you gain experience points enough to gain one level.

Otherwise, this card doesn't do anything. I shout to the animals, be like, hey, any of you animals want to fight me real quick? Anybody got a light? As I cock the gun back, I go like, yo, any of these animals want to fight real quick? I just go, let's go. Like a small animal

of some kind right now. Let's go, you and me. I guess roll persuasion with disadvantage. Roll persuasion and roll intimidation. And if your intimidation is higher than your persuasion,

it's not going to work. Persuasion was 29. Intimidation was 26. Okay. So a squirrel comes bounding out of the forest it's like fuck you fuck you fuck you it comes running straight at you i fucking aim my gun and shoot this squirrel roll a ranged attack daryl covers the eyes of the kids all of them with his huge body he's like you can't look at this 18 oh god okay 18 i'm gonna roll dexterity on the score actually there might actually be dnd stats for a squirrel i mean squirrels could be

one shotting a squirrel is probably pretty tough to be honest they're coming straight at me also doesn't that gun have like other things it can do besides being like a fucking yeah right now is let me be one level higher than everyone else instantly this is a pretty good effect he's gonna be level 10 okay give me a second i'm gonna roll dexterity for the squirrel everybody who doesn't live in a city is like yeah i get it a squirrel's charging you like you gotta shoot it it's a rabbit right at you and screaming obscenities at you you tell me what you're gonna do your reason with it travis has been feeding the squirrel in our backyard out of his hand and that thing like loves us now. It's so dangerous.

Yep, that could be diseased. The squirrel sees that fucking bullet coming and it like suddenly like dodges out of the way as the bullet impacts the fucking ground right next to it and it just goes, I'm coming for you motherfucker.

Alright, roll damage on me motherfucker. Let's go. Alright right it's gonna attack you i did not expect that this would be how my stomach is in knots because i haven't pulled yet does the 17 break your ac yes it does daryl's like everybody stand back he's gotta take this on his own this is his fight this is his It doesn't even roll a die for its damage. It's just this one piercing damage. Okay. Are you going to waste all the bullets on the gun on this squirrel?

It would be inefficient to shoot now. It's like on him. Yeah, the squirrel's right on me. It's time to move from close range to transition. Also, this gun literally offers us a hint to like what to do. And then Freddy just shoots people with it. Or squirrels. Breath raises a good point. Freddy shot the gun. So what does the gun tell what to do and then freddy just shoots people with it or squirrels breath raises

a good point freddy shot the gun so what does the gun tell us to do no because you can only choose like one or the other you have to choose beforehand isn't that sucky you have to choose yeah and he was very clearly choosing to hurt somebody with it i effortlessly transitioned to my secondary okay which are the paid in chucks so remember you can choose to flourish with your paid in chucks oh of course if you want to to flourish with your Peyton Chucks. Oh, of course I'm flourishing. Of course I'm flourishing right now. This is some denial of death shit going on.

Like Glenn is so terrified that he's had a mental breakdown. I hope the squirrel kills Glenn. 18 on the roll. Plus one to the AC. Okay, so you flourished one successfully. Keep going. Keep going. Push your luck.

Come on, Blackjack Glenn Close. No whammy, no whammy. It's true. Blackjack Glenn Close flourishes again. How much health does the squirrel have? One HP. No, I mean, just hit it. No, keep going.

Keep going. Do it. The flourish is two hit, not damage. It's close. It's a five. A five? Yes, I got a five. Keep going.

If you want to flourish again, you're avoiding a three. You got to get higher than a three if you want to flourish again. Let's go, baby. I'm actually technically higher than a six because I have two nuts. All right, let's go. Sure. Since when? No, no, we established this.

Again, for those of you who want to put nunchucks in your homebrew games, a one to two. Can you put the squirrel out of its misery, please, one way or the other?

I'm just going to roll attack on it. 18. Okay. This squirrel just disappears into mist. It's like a teen rated game

where it's just the thing's there, then there's a puff of bread and the thing's not there. so it's not really sad. I love teen rated games. It just happened very quickly. And I go, hell yeah! And I feel so fucking powerful right now, everybody!

I level up, right? I'm hoping Glenn gets the card that changes your alignment so we can have a fucking good, morally non-reprecensible Glenn on the team. I hope Glenn kills a squirrel and then instantly gets zapped to another dimension that's what i leveled up right you level up boy congratulations yo i'm level 10 now y'all oh my god no hey well you're over there min maxing freddy just maxed so

all right welcome okay so while you're doing your thing i'm just gonna tune all my new ass spells and shit that I get. This is going to be awesome. All right. Ron is next. Okay. Ron, what did you draw? I need to get my, I need to get my.

Oh God, I'm so nervous. I didn't care if fucking Glenn got yeeted into the void. This is true. Well, before I draw, I need some courage. Oh, she's got a shot. She's got the tequila. There's a special place in hell reserved for men who waste good scotch. It's rum, so it's okay.

Wowzer, but nowzer. Okay, I'm going to open up this Ron thing. I actually like that as a response to Glenn killing his wife. If fucking Ron gets killed, the podcast really is over. We're screwed. I'm shaking. My hands are sweating. Okay. Don John.

No! So instantly, Ron disappears and becomes entombed in a state of suspended animation in an extra-dimensional sphere. Everything that Ron was wearing and carrying stays behind in the space that he occupied

when he disappeared. Ron will remain imprisoned until he is found and removed from the sphere. He cannot be located by any divination magic, but a wish spell can reveal the location of his prison. He draws no more cards. Oh my god. Holy shit. Well guys, it was

fun. The last thing that you see is Mr. Mustache in dog form looking up at you and going, oh my god Mr. Mustache. Oh no. And you're gone and he's just sniffing the grass where you were and like pawing at it. Oh no. Beth is downing the second shot. Oh boy. And there goes the ratings of the podcast.

No one wants that. Now we're four men doing a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. The dream. Sorry, cucks. I'm taking all the women with me. This is now a Joe Rogan fan cast. Ron! Where did Ron go?

Daryl runs and grabs the underwear. He's like, Ron, where's Ron? And Surt immediately goes, oh no, oh no, he got Don John. It seems like such a funny card name. I know. Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. I can't believe Ron got Don John. Can Mr. Mustache draw?

Yes, go ahead. So what is Mr. Mustache's first card? I think this is another bad one, guys. What's it called? The Fates. No, that's good! That's the best card! Okay, so reality's fabric unravels and spins anew, allowing you to avoid or

erase one event as if it never happened. You can use the cards of magic as soon as you draw the card or at any other time before you die. And Mr. Mustache goes I can undo it I can undo that I can undo anything I can undo anything

Uh oh Oh no Undo while I'm going away What do I do? Oh Mr. Mustache this is perfect Change Cern stealing the cards Maybe Cern doesn't steal the cards He steals something else by mistake

Henry we don't even have to ever come here Just undo us getting sucked in here in the first place Oh my god you're right We could just be on our way wait wait i don't know if that would work oh my god because like what if then our dads came and got us later oh my gosh yeah we might just end up here anyway we just won't ever go to play soccer ever again we'll all play football instead this is actually daryl's dream is that the person who invented soccer didn't invent soccer and invented football well glenn what do you think we should do what should we do my first thought was the pyramid like if we can undo the pyramid then sir never loses his kids and then but then but then who knows what else would have happened

oh that's true ron what do you think oh my god oh god he's gone oh god we just gotta make sure we get ron back though the first time you ever asked ron for his opinion you sometimes you don't realize you missed something until it's gone. And now, he really did add a whole element to this group. You don't know what you got till it's gone. Till it's Ron. Till it's Ron. Henry kneels down.

He's like, it's okay, guys. I'm really good with dogs. Mr. Mustache? Yeah. We want you to undo CERN stealing the card so that this never happens. Okay, boy, can you do that, boy? I could, but I think if I undid that, there's a possibility that he would just try again and then succeed that time. And I wouldn't have actually prevented much. Dang, that's true. My dog is so much more smart than Ron. I would say go back further. I'd say save

CERN's kids. The the thing is the fate wish doesn't allow you all to jump back in time with the knowledge that you now have it just undoes that one thing's existence so guys the mustache wants what it wants daryl kneels in front of mr mustache and uses his he has animal handling because he's good with dogs that's for riding them dude that's not for charming them so he gets on top of mr mustache animal handling can be all sorts how do you think you ride an animal well is to talk good to it so look he sits down you want to try that again no i've said what i said so i kneel down yeah actually matt i think i've stayed at an airbnb where that was actually over the door i kneel down i go i promise this lizard this friend that we would get his kids back no matter what, if there was some way to do it.

If you can just undo that pyramid, if you can undo that mistake, if you can undo, I'm pretty sure it was Henry didn't catch the beans. I forget, but I'm pretty sure it was Henry didn't catch the beans right. It's not the guy who throws it. It's fault is the person who doesn't catch it. It was a good throw. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is. If that happens, we could all die.

We don't know what will happen if the pyramid didn't show up. That was how we escaped. But isn't that worth the life of two kids? If those were your two kids, Henry, would you be willing to do that? Yeah, but we might be dead, Daryl. My two kids were in the fucking pyramid, dude. But if they were dead, if they were dead, would you undo it? They're not dead now.

Why would you try it? It ain't broke. Don't fix it. CERN's boys are just as important as our boys. The, oh, jeez, Daryl. I just think it could really goof a lot of stuff up. Like, our kids kids if we die our kids are stuck in this dimension dude if we all got killed because you know something else

happened then then what's gonna happen to our children they're not gonna have their dads they're not gonna be stuck here with our shitty grandparents they're yeah i was i was making that argument back when we first didn't give stern and just a lot of people gave me a hard time for it but now i'm hearing it from you folks it definitely seems like the right idea a lot of people who are these a lot of people just random people you passed on the fucking road people at the New York Times comment section random people walking down the fucking Faye room

being like hey by the way I think that was shitty what you did with those cars now that I'm hearing somebody else's argument I can't see my subscription to your newsletter every one of the comments of Ross Douthat's op-ed about how Matt had the right idea was roasting Matt. Can I have a two minute break to think really hard about

what I'm saying? Let's take a quick break here. For the first time, we are confronted with such a momentous moment that our DM needs to take a breather and think about it. So we're going to actually cut to commercial now. We'll be right back. I'll be back. All right, Anthony is back.

Okay. Our stomachs are once again in knots. We're all staring at Mr. Mustache. I went out into my living room and I consulted with my wife. I consulted with my priest. So here's what happened. So we're going to go inside the mind of one Mr. Mustache. Let's go into the mind of the Greg Jennings. I got the fucking team on my back. Mr. Mustache, put the team on your back. Okay. So Mr. Mustache has two loves within him. One of which is the love for the person that he once was.

Some essence and truth of what he once was that he knows he no longer is. He feels like he's missing something. That's why he's wanted so badly to have a body. That's why he's been trying to open mouth kiss so many people to have a body. Same. He feels incomplete and he feels wrong. I never would have thought we would have gotten

who Mr. Mustache is in this episode. This is great. That is one element of who Mr. Mustache is and what it drives him. The other one is purer and simpler

and more tangible and yet even more mysterious and that is love. For Ron Stampler, the one person who's been consistently decent to him, the one person

who has been there for him and he's tried to be there for as well. The first other living being that he could really glom onto and understand after he lost everything that he was. And so in a way, it's almost like Ron is his father as well. It's almost like Ron is the only thing

he has close to family. So when he thinks about what he wants to undo and he thinks about what he wants to change, he has the ultimate choice of, is it about me or is it about the people I love? And with that in mind, Mr. Mustache looks up into the sky and he says

I wish Stan Lightly had never died. In that instant Mr. Mustache Disappears And is replaced with a familiar form Of Scam Likely Now taking the visage of Ron And he goes here's someone you didn't expect

To see it's me your old pal Scam Likely Fuck that dog Fuck that dog. Fuck that dog. Fucking hell. Oh my God. Oh my God. Bad dog.

Bad dog. The dog no longer exists. The mustache is on his face again, once again, like, dancing with its little antennae. Do we know what changed? Do we see this, or do we just think Scam,

we don't remember Scam ever dying or anything? I feel like it's okay if you know what changed for this one. Okay, so it changed. Okay. So yeah,

you basically watch in front of you as that mustache disappears and is replaced with the form of Scam Likely in the visage of Ron, but wearing a very, like a gleaming sequined tuxedo. In the visage of Ron, you asshole. Does he have the mustache? He has the mustache, and the mustache is like... I rip the mustache off, and I go you selfish piece of crap. Roll

dexterity. Uh-oh. Oh no, did I make a Daryl mistake? Daryl got aggro. 14 plus 1. Okay. I'm going to roll for a scam. So Daryl, you reach out and your thumb and forefinger clamp around hair and you yank as hard as you can. And you see as you pull a mustache off of his face, but you immediately feel like, oh no, it came off too easily. And it's a false mustache. He was wearing on top of his mustache. feel like, oh no, it came off too easily, and it's a false mustache he was wearing on top of his mustache. And he says, oh, did you think you were quicker than me? The god of scams? Oh, scam likely. Scam likely away.

And he swishes his cape and then like twirls around, and then he's gone. He still has a card to draw. Back, back, run. He still has a fucking card to draw. No, Mr. Mustache had a card to draw. Scam Likely has no more cards to draw.

Fuck this. That seems like a cheat. Anthony can essentially say anything changes now. If Scam Likely didn't die, a whole bunch of stuff could have changed. I'll say Scam Likely does. He'll draw his other card. Okay, that's nice, Scam. Can I be the rules lawyer now?

Because is Mr. Mustache a different person? Because Scam Likely did not draw cards. Mr. Mustache is the essence of Scam Likely. He was the soul of Scam Likely. Yeah. Okay. He's like his horcrux. Does he like try to bamf out

but he can't because he's like bound by the presence of the card? Yeah. So he tries to bamf out and he goes bye-bye and then whoosh and then he goes whoosh

and like a whiplash is just suddenly yanked back into the exact spot that he's in and he goes ah yes yes yes the other card. Let's see. Okay so let's get Scam's other card out of the way really quickly in and he goes ah yes yes yes the other card let's see okay so let's get scam's other card out of the way really quickly can you draw mr mustache's

other card shouldn't glenn go next he could but i don't want scam likely just be standing there while you guys do all of your stuff okay i feel like i have so much power over you because i could just like be like no yeah if you knew what the cards were and you could trick me into thinking that you had to just look them up so So nothing else changed, just Scam. Just Scam's still alive. I feel, by the way, like the reason nothing else changes is that Scam likely came back to life, but was aware of what happened and decided to not fuck with anything. Yeah, Scam disappeared.

Because this was too good a Scam. Yeah, he fell down into that chasm and basically just like was okay. Yeah, he just hung out for a while, just chilled. Okay. He was like, this is gonna be funny when i come back now he's scam likely the white okay this card says balance oh shit holy shit what holy shit what's balance oh no i'm so scared i'm so scared what happened holy shit oh my god this is what i think it is okay okay so so here's what scam likely feels what the fuck? What is it?

Oh my god, I'm so scared. I'm so scared. Scam Likely feels his mind suffer a wrenching alteration that causes his alignment to change. Holy shit! Lawful becomes chaotic, good becomes evil, and vice versa. If you are true, neutral, or unaligned, this card has no effect on you. So Scam Likely becomes lawful. Oh god, I guess still neutral, because the opposite of neutral is neutral. has no effect on you. So scam likely becomes lawful. Oh, God. I guess still neutral

because the opposite of neutral is neutral. What was he? Scam likely wasn't neutral, bro. He was chaotic neutral. He helped you when he hurt you. True. He was chaotic neutral. Wait, so he has a new name.

He becomes like... He becomes like... Scam certainly. He becomes quite frankly. So a chaotic neutral person doesn't change no a true neutral person does not so they're now they're lawful neutral he's lawful yes i think so a lawful neutral is just like a like a libertarian yeah just somebody who just rule checks all the time don't get upset you don't know who to call my name is ronald paul oh oh i've got it i've got it i've got it anthony scam likely's new persona is well actually

holy shit oh no i hate him now oh man yeah i liked him before but now yeah yeah he's well actually well okay okay give me give me a second to think up a rhyme for that. This is so upsetting. Holy fuck, dude. We just got rid of the two most popular characters on the podcast. Ron's gone. Scam likely is a mansplainer. Just follow the rules and listen to me. You're about to get schooled by well, actually. That's pretty good.

The script part really gets me. So immediately, the top hat that he was wearing turns into a fedora. Oh my God., my God. Oh, my God. This is over. Sprouts of hair come out of his face and his neck. Holy fuck. So the first thing he does is he crosses his arms and goes,

actually, I think the first thing you probably should have done is not let the dog draw any cards at all. Holy shit, Anthony. If I were me, I would have had one of you try a seaweed snack on its own to see if that's okay. Generally, when somebody is going to offer you something, you want to just try

one at a time to make sure that it's okay and then you go in. The fact that you guys all took them at once, that was a rook move. Well, actually, I'm out. And he just sort of struts away

and slowly turns two-dimensional and disappears. Oh my God, I hate that guy. I hate it. That guy fucking sucks. As a woman who has been to college and bars, I had a visceral physical reaction to that.

Actually, he leaves and then he comes back and goes, actually, I think I want to see how the rest of this plays out. You might need some of my advice. Get out of here. You definitely need some help. No, no, no. Just hear me out. We could use a pedantic person to help us interpret some of the rules of these cards. That's all I'm saying, guys. That's all I'm saying.

We could use a guy who's going to give us the hoppiest IPAs ever. I almost feel bad for Mr. Mustache because his one dream in life was to like me. Let that be a lesson to Mr. Mustache. Scam likely died twice now. It's so sad. Oh, my God. The whiplash. If you're a scam likely fan, I'm so sorry. It's over sad. Oh my god, the whiplash? If you're a Scam Likely fan, I'm so sorry.

It's over. There's no way he'd come back again. He would've been better dead. You die a hero or you live long enough to become well actually, I guess. Well actually is leaning up against a tree in what he thinks is a cool pose, but his posture is really bad and he just looks like this weird human

goblin. He's got huge pockets, I can tell. Huge pockets. Tipping his fedora, wearing his Boondock Saints peacoat with a washman pin on it. No, shut the fuck up. It is now Henry's turn to draw from the deck. Henry just staggered by the events of the last few minutes

just shudders and he goes I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna draw but I hope it's not as bad as all that and with that he draws I draw moon you were granted the ability to cast the wish spell 1d3 times let me describe the wish

spell yes bring back Ron wish is the mightiest spell a mortal creature can cast by simply speaking aloud you can alter the very foundations of reality in accord with your desires. The basic use of this spell is to duplicate any other spell of 8th level or lower. So you can either duplicate a spell

or create one of the following effects of your choice. You can create an object of up to 25,000 gold in value that is not a magic item. You can grant up to 10 creatures immunity to a single spell or other magical effect for 8 hours. You can undo a recent event by forcing a re-roll of any role made within the last round whoa there's a big asterisk after this yeah i'm gonna get i'm gonna get to the next part because this part is rules lawyer so you might be able to achieve something beyond the scope of the above examples state your wish

to the dm as precisely as possible the dm has great latitude in ruling what occurs in such an instance the greater the. The greater the wish, the greater the likelihood that something goes wrong. The spell might simply fail, the effect you desire might only be partly achieved, or you might suffer from some unforeseen consequence of how you worded the wish. For example, wishing that a villain were dead might propel you forward in time to a period when that villain is no longer alive, effectively removing you from the game. Similarly, wishing for a legendary magic item might instantly transport you

to the presence of the item's current owner rather than transporting it to you. The stress of casting this spell to produce any effect other than duplicating another spell weakens you. After you endure that stress, each time you cast a spell until you finish a long rest,

you take 1d10 necrotic damage per level of that spell, which will be relevant if you have to fight death or something like that. First of all, I rolled and I got a one, so we have one bitch. Ooh, fuck, dude. Shit. So here's what I'm thinking. What if

we wish that we gave Cern the deck of many things back at the Four Knights tournament? Because hear me out. We never saw Cern again after that. That essentially gives CERN what he wanted originally. And we never run into him again.

That doesn't change our timeline. And then CERN gets to make the decision about what to do with his kids. That seems like that's pretty far removed. Yeah. This guy's seen primer. So many things could change. There's a pretty big change from a long time ago. Yeah.

And if he gets his kids back, that might undo the pyramid. That might undo a lot of stuff, dude. You hear from behind you a voice go, ugh, do you want me to tell you what to do? Is that Scam? Scam, is that you? You turn around and he goes,

actually, my name's Will, actually. Oh, okay, that's... And what you want to do, I don't know if you were listening when you felt the truth of the cards inside of your soul, but the wish card says that you can undo a single recent event by forcing a re-roll and you just rolled a one so i don't know maybe you could try to force a re-roll to get higher than a one so you could have your cake and eat it well actually

i uh yes and i just made a roll so oh this is why i hate primer wait no he's saying no no i see what you're saying oh wait he's right i can re-roll to get more wishes. Of course I'm right. I'm well, actually. This fucking guy. First thing I should do is wish to re-roll my wish roll so I can get more wishes. But that's the number one rule of all wish stuff is you can't wish towards the wishes. That makes no sense. Daryl, I think it's worth the risk to get more rolls

so that at the very least we can get Ron back and still try for one more thing. But Henry, one thing really quick, though. You might use this to go for more wishes, but it won't even matter. There's already a 33% chance that by doing this, it won't matter how many more wishes you get. You'll no longer be able to cast any more wishes.

Glenn, how did you know that? Did your dad tell you about the deck of many things too? Well, actually is whispering into his ear. I turn around, I'm like, thanks, well, actually, and I give him a thumbs up. This is actually really good that well actually showed up. Oh gosh, You know what? You're right.

What if I get all these wishes and then I can't even cast it? I think we just got to stay the course on this one. How many cards have we done? I have three remaining. And I have two. Wait, this is my side. I only have one card. I only have one card remaining.

That means we have four cards remaining. You two are the only ones left with cards. Okay. Ooh, you could wish Ron drew a specific card. The problem with doing just Ron draws any other card is there's way worse cards than Donjon and the Death.

There are? Yeah, because Ron drew two cards. There's like, yeah, there's the one- There's Void, which is very similar in terms of like- There's another card

essentially exactly like it and then there's also the card where he has to fight Death and stuff like that. So the- I mean, fighting Death is probably better. I mean, yeah, I'd take that.

Not knowing the cards also. No, but Death is, you have to 1v1 death ron could do that if he were here he would probably say that he could do that i have one thought i'd like to throw one thing in there i don't know if this would sneakily give you a free because changing events in the past has an effect here and a very simple one which is you just wish that ron ever since he was a kid has always hated seaweed snacks. And what that would do is

it would mean that from the beginning, Ron just would never have drawn. Maybe Mr. Mustard, all this stuff would happen. But that seems like a really clean way of being like, yeah, Ron would just not take any seaweed snacks. That's it. It changes the past a little bit, but not so much.

It's not, it's just a tiny switch. It's just the one time he had a bad seaweed snack. He's like, no, thank you. And that's it. I like that because everybody shouldn't like seaweed snacks. That's a good idea, Glenn. It doesn't shake things up too much, but it brings our boy Ron back. It just means Ron didn't draw two cards. Exactly. He's run didn't draw anything. Yes. OK, that's really interesting, Glenn. I like that. That's OK. And also lets you do time travel

without doing time travel. Thanks. You're welcome, Ron. Really? Oh, Ron's not here to answer. I just hope that there wasn't any really important part of his life that involves seaweed snacks. Hopefully he hadn't been proposed over seaweed snacks or something. Alright, I think we've got it. Glenn, that's a really good idea. I hold up the card and I say, I wish

that Ron Stampler has always hated seaweed snacks. So as you say that, the card vanishes in your hand and the meta camera that's been watching you the whole time, we zoom back in time to the moment when all of you were running out of the temple. Canary is standing there with a platter of seaweed snacks, and she says, you all look so injured.

Take these, they'll give you 1d8 worth of health. And Ron, as you look at these seaweed snacks, you remember, as you have almost any time that you've seen seaweed snacks, the moment where your father was pulled into a lake and drowned. I was lit. Anthony, you and I are on the same fucking page. I was literally, I was like, that's what it is.

Okay, okay. Sorry I interrupted you. No, you carry it now because you know what I'm talking about. Is that seaweed? Yes, it is. No, I don't want anything to do with that and don't don't put it near me it could get wrapped around all of us and make us eat snacks but but it'll it'll make you healthier oh that doesn't make you healthier canary trust me i've seen terrible things happen with seaweed not Not even in the sea, too. Did you know that seaweed can be not in the sea?

It can be in lakes and stuff. I guess it's called kelp then. It's the same sort of basic principle where anything just sort of long. I don't want that. I'm hungry, though. Do you have anything else? I think they're making fries. We got fries.

We got fries. Okay, I'll wait for the fries. They go really well with seaweed. Okay, I'll wait for it. I guess they're fries, but you should really, they go really well with seaweed. No, I don't think so. One second though, Ron. I will take three of those snee-weed snacks though. Oh, I heard the weed part, so I'm going to grab four. Daryl who always does the opposite of Ron grabs five.

So we zoom forward in time back to the moment that Henry revealed that he drew the wish card. And the wish card comes out of the deck, but written on the card are the words, this card was already used in an alternate time stream. And it crumbles to ash in Henry's hands. I'm like, oh, geez, I guess I used this on already. Oh, weird. I hope I wished for something good. I bet not.

Hey, Ron. What'd you use the wish card on, Henry? Gosh, we could have used that for something really cool. Yeah, Henry, you used the wish card and we're still drew cards? Well, geez, I'm assuming that... Yeah, get his ass.

Well, actually, he's like, yeah, dragon. Hey, what the hell? He clearly fucked up. Why are you guys still drawing cards? That feels like... I would have just said

don't draw any cards. That's what I would have wished for. Henry, that's so selfish of you to just use the wish card before any of us could even know

what it is. I don't know what I did. I clearly did something. Oh, jeez. Gee, I probably screwed it up though you guys are right heck i clearly didn't do it i'm sorry i'm sorry i screwed up the witch card ah crap what i forgive you oh thanks ron i appreciate that henry you probably did a good job maybe you

killed hitler no but you just said hitler you wouldn't know who hitler was if i killed him unless i killed him after he did all the bad stuff. You didn't even kill Hitler? You wish card? Oh, my God. I didn't wish to kill Hitler. Oh, no. Man, that's jacked up. I don't know about Henry, man. You know what?

Glenn doesn't care that his kid smokes weed, but at least he would have killed Hitler. Yeah, Henry, I might be the worst dad out of all of us, but even I would have gotten killed, Hitler, dude. Look, it's a lot of pressure. I probably just didn't think about it. I was probably freaking out about something else. that's the only one thing i think about anytime someone comes up well actually it's like if you had killed hitler it would have been like the end of the mark walberg planet of the apes you would have been in this world and everybody was hitler it would have been real bad ron what were you gonna say i feel like there's a part of my soul

that felt like we missed you for a moment and i just want to make sure that from now i listen to you yeah i mean like i don't know about you guys, but the last, like, hour or so, it's been so boring. I was just bored to tears. Like, I wasn't even here. God. I haven't been this bored since I watched the movie Don John.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Maybe Glenn can spice it up for us. Glenn, we want to pull that card and see what happens. All right, Glenn, it's your turn. Glenn. Glenn drew sun. All right, Glenn. It's your turn. Glenn drew. All right, so son. Son means...

You piece of shit! Son means you gain 50,000 XP and a wondrous item! Fucking of course! This is so upsetting! Yo, the deck is lulled! The Glenn level's up again! Oh my goodness! Wait, how much XP... setting. Yo, the deck is locked out! The Glenn level's up again!

Oh, my goodness! Wait, how much XP? How much XP is 50,000 XP? Let me look up XP level... Holy shit. Dude, no, no, no. This puts me to, like, level 11, dog. Dude, fucking Glenn is the worst. You're halfway to level 13.

Oh, my God, you're right. Oh, no. Dudes, I feel powerful. Fucking Glenn's hair just turns blonde and shoots straight up like he's going Super Saiyan. So Glenn levels up like twice. Oh my God, I hate Glenn so much. I'm sorry, give me a second.

Let me just manage my levels, boys. I'm going to send you the link to the wondrous item that you get. And you're going to go ahead and tell me what that is, Glenn. You're going to tell all the listeners what that is. I'm putting it in chat right now. I actually had this picked out beforehand. The fact that it goes to you is especially appropriate.

In my hands appears the apparatus of the crab. The giant enemy crab. The giant enemy crab, guys! This item first appears to be a large sealed iron barrel weighing 500 pounds. Which you can carry now because you're level 13 or whatever. The barrel has a hidden catch, which can be found with a successful DC 20 investigation check.

Releasing the catch unlocks a hatch at one end of the barrel, allowing two medium or smaller creatures to crawl inside. Ten levers are set in a row at the far end When the levers are used, the apparatus transforms to resemble a giant lobster This lobster is an IC-20, 200 hit point, 30 feet, immune to poison and psychic, giant enemy crap That I can pilot! This is the best shit ever! Oh my god, Glenn would have a weapon that's his high school mascot. Oh shit, you're right. That's right. That was a college

high school mascot. Fighting crabs. So Henry can turn into a bear, but you can turn into a metal crab now. You have a mech. Glenn leveled up three times against a mech. The one thing that Glenn didn't have was any combat ability. And now he just has.

He's the most Mary Sue piece of shit in the entire fucking party. Holy shit. The Aperos floats on water. It can go underwater to 900 feet. The creature in the cold car party can use an action to move any of the levers and then the levers do just

like awesome shit. Can you imagine how much better it would be if Ron got all those things? Now, if Glenn does have to pass a DC 20 intelligence check to figure any of that out, I'm just going to put that out there. I am at level 12 really quick. Before we level you up, can we do the last card, please?

Let's do the final Henry card. Henry is still kicking himself for blowing it on the wish card, which he thinks he screwed up. And he sees Glenn go super saiyan and then get a giant barrel and he i i this deck i just let's get this over with this is stressing me out i drew star star wow this one's boring this increases one of your ability scores by two the score can exceed 20 but can't exceed 24 hey all right henry feels a little bit i really want to waste it on something

stupid. Like I don't want to do something that's going to help Henry. Get some gains, bro. Yeah. Henry gets a little more yoked. Hot Henry. So Henry now has an 11 strength. So Henry draws the card and then he feels like his dad bod just kind of tighten up like a little bit. Like he did a personal trainer once a week for a year. He like a little bit like he did a personal trainer once a week for a year he's a little bit more fit mostly his blood pressure went down okay so uh and he goes okay so oh gee is that it did we do it are we done i have two more i have two more cards wait do you really oh shit you do yeah all right two more cards you ready yeah okay guys so far this has gone pretty good other than i guess one person really hates me, and

we didn't kill Hitler. The third card I drew is Skull. Skull! Instantly! A ghostly, humanoid skeleton who looks exactly like Doug, clad in a tattered black robe and carrying a spectral scythe, appears ten feet in front of you. It points a gnarled

bony finger at you, and it says You 1v1 me. 1v1 me, bro. I knew Doug was evil. So you have to fight this thing until either you die or it drops to zero hit points and disappears. If anyone tries to help you, an avatar of death also spawns for them. If you are killed by the avatar of death, you cannot be restored to

life. Okay. So Glenn knows all this? Yes. Glenn knows everything I just said. All right. So I have a question. What level is Henry's mom? Henry's mom is level 16. So the card also says you can't be revived if death kills you, right? A creature slain by an avatar of death cannot be restored to life. Henry's mom, if she's a level 16 cleric, at level nine, clerics get a spell called Raise Dead, and within 10 days, she can bring you back to life. If we killed Glenn, then death didn't kill him, right? But death didn't force Glenn to get killed either.

We killed Glenn. Because Glenn could not stop for death, we kindly killed Glenn. So here's the thing So here's the thing. Here's the thing. The phrasing of this does say that Glenn must win the battle alone. It doesn't necessarily say that he has to lose it alone.

It specifically says that the helper summoned its own avatar of death if anyone tries to help you. Now, technically, that would be us trying to help him. That's true. So if you do want to do that, you will save Glenn, but you will also then

spawn your own individual avatars of death. Glenn's level 13 and he has a crab. He's the best one. Look, I will say this. I will say this. You could not have

written this better. He literally leveled up three times and got a giant crab. This is his punishment. Yeah. Hear me out. We killed Glenn.

Three more enemies pop up and then we all stab each other if you want to try that and then my mom resurrects if you want to try that you can try that but you're gonna have to make fucking pretty good dexterity rolls to simultaneously stab each other we tpk ourselves i am fully on board with that insane plan, but you're going to have to make some fucking dexterity rolls to get the synchronicity down on that.

No, let's let Glenn should fucking fight this thing. It's his comeuppance. The avatar of death shows up, points at me, and I kind of do this. I do the like, who, me?

And I look behind me and there's no one there. I'm like, oh, me. And I go, guys, guys, don't worry about it. Okay. I got this, motherfucker. Don't forget,

I'm a rock and roll Christmas musician. It's not like I haven't danced with death before on stage. We can help you, Glenn. We'll help you. No got this, motherfucker. Don't forget, I'm a rock and roll Christmas musician. It's not like I haven't danced with death before on stage. We can help you, Glenn. We'll help you. No, this is great, actually. I've been needing a rest. I feel like we've been doing a lot of fighting and stuff lately. You can't help me. I feel this in my bones. Yeah, that's

good. Okay. A lot of convincing necessary. If you step into this battle, another avatar of death will be summoned. Well, I don't want either of those things. So you step into this battle, another avatar of death will be summoned. Well, I don't want either of those things. So you guys. You've made the sale to Ron. Ron's already sold.

I'm just letting you guys know, I guess out of courtesy. Yeah, it's all good. Daryl steps back and kind of pushes the kids back. Everyone step back. I say one moment, Doug. I just want to say one thing to my party boy, Glenn. And I go to Glenn.

I say, Glenn. It's better not help him in any way. Oh, is that Doug? Doug, hey, really quick. Did you kill to Glenn, I say, Glenn. This better not help him in any way. Oh, is that Doug? Doug, hey, really quick. Did you kill that person? I'll never tell. Hey, all right, Doug, really quick.

Did you sign that paperwork for your college? Because we can't really have like unpaid interns unless we know that you're getting college credit. Of course I signed it.

I was great at my job. You know that. Okay, all right. It's pretty clear. Good to see you, Doug. Hey, Glenn. Vaya con Dios. Vaya con Dios. I look death straight in the eye and I go, great at my job you know that okay all right just see you doug hey glenn via con dios via con dios i look death straight in the eye and i go there's one problem death you didn't calculate one thing

and i hold up my single remaining card i still have one more card this is like yugioh anthony can i turn this card over? Please do. You forget one thing, Death. I still have... Oh, no. Anthony, I'd like to read the description for this one. Please do. The Void.

No! No! Shut up. This black card spells disaster. Wait, you saved yourself. My soul was drawn from my body and contained in an object in a place of the DM's choice.

One or more powerful beings guard the place. While my soul is trapped in this way, my body is incapacitated. A wish spell cannot restore my soul, but the spell reveals the location of the objects. I draw no more cards.

So, Glenn, you feel disaster fill your soul. You feel blackness. That's a hard whiplash, by the way, from how I've been riding this whole episode, can I just say real quick? So you feel... Wait, Ron was like, gosh, I'm glad that didn't happen to me.

Suddenly, you feel a cold feeling starting from your toes and your fingertips curling inward toward your heart, and you feel as if feeling starting from your toes and your fingertips curling inward toward your heart. And you feel as if something essential to you, something all the love that you have, all the emotions that you have, everything that makes you you is drawn out of you and whisked away across the plains and across Faerun.

Your body slumps over incapacitated and the avatar of death who was about to fight you it looks up at something the rest of you humans can't see and its head begins to like crane as it like looks across the sky as if it's following something and then it just starts sprinting like really fast like i gotta go get that fucking soul that's the only way i can kill him i gotta get that fucking soul and death just starts like sprinting as fast as he can along the goddamn landscape to try to chase down glenn's soul and destroy it inside of the container that it has been whisked away into and that's the kind of effort we like to see from our interns Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson.

Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Max and Waller. Special thanks to our Patreon supporters. Folks like Nick Adams, Jonna Van Dorn, Katrissa, Carl D. Busca, Sam Touloustos, M. Audette,

Mike Kenney, Andrew Rennick, Jason Crichton, Jeffrey Arnold, Pierre Camberlin, Kamsh Chan, Carl Knudsen, Alex Wallace, Consuela Wright, Peta OP, Lynn Chris Art, Valerie Wagoner, Oivind Vela, and Emily Savage. These are

just some of the names of the many folks that make this podcast possible. We have some very fun Patreon goodies coming up too. So if you want the first crack at listening to the Pokemon Go to the Polls one-shot

we just recorded for election season or the Walter and Payton one-shot where we, the players, are going to become the DM and Anthony has to play by our rules for once. We're actually recording that this week.

Or even a new special ASMR episode of debate me coward, where we put you the listener in the incredibly uncomfortable position of being in between Matt and myself. As we argue about something, we have some wild bonuses coming up for our patrons and that's going to be available for everyone at all levels. So you can find that at patrion.com slash dungeons and dads going to be coming

out in the next month. Our website is dungeons and daddies.com our twitter dungeons and dads dungeons and daddies is our subreddit thank you so much for listening our next episode's coming at you october 27th so we will see you then never brought you down. Never brought you down. Actually, I'm really excited to tell two of my college ex-boyfriends about Well, Actually, because I feel like they don't see themselves represented in podcasts enough.

Holy shit! Nuclear burn, Dad! We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. Nuclear burn, Dad.