Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 46 - The People vs. Glenn Close (ft. Jenna Stoeber)

Episode Date: November 10, 2020

The trial of Glenn Close begins as the dads face down an intimidating prosecutor.Special guest Jenna Stoeber as Ratticus Finch. Check out her Twitter and Twitch!This episode contains profanity, sexual content, and drug/alcohol use.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCourtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerRobin Rapp helps with transcriptionsCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Ah, yeah! Wow, this is what it's like to be separated from your body. To be fair, I feel like I have experienced this before, but wait. In this liminal space, whatever I manifest in my mind becomes real. Oh, I know, I know. Check it out.

Check it out. Dad wants me to die Dad's not far behind Now my soul's in a cursed guitar Thought we had given away Used to be a demon This is awesome I'll fight through rebirth to level to read books, I'm level twelve! On another round, I will never die!

It's more than we bargained for! Wait, is that my dad? Still, if the boring fun Would have gone all night Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a D&D podcast and sometimes a courtroom drama podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Glenn Close, your rock star in chains, being held down by a system designed to... he's the bard of the group and let's hope those charisma rolls help him out here he's the man in the trial box alice and jane's reference like man in the box never mind let's move on let's keep doing the podcast guys it's gonna be a good one i could tell you're the best person to be in court you're you should represent yourself you have a higher persuasion role than pretty much any lawyer yeah you name any lawyer the higher persuasion role than me glenn's dad fact since we're in a courtroom state of mind glenn's dad fact is he has conflated the movie's scent of a woman and a few good men in his mind my goodness so in his

head he's like yeah jack nicholson goes up and goes, Hoo-wah! Justice is blind. You can't handle the true-ah! That's how it goes, right? That's what happens when you watch way too many TBS movies while stoned. The Superstation, it'll get you every time. It's either Scent of a Few Good Men or A Few Good Woman. A Few Good Woman. Scent of a Few Men. Hoo-wah!

That's the name of this show. Sorry, Beth. All right hi everybody hi everybody my name is matthew arnold i play daryl wilson a stay-at-home coach dad who turns into a barbarian when he enters the forgotten realms this is the fourth act of the journey through daryl's senses and like if you know anything about shakespeare's five acts this is the shortest yeah this is the shortest. Yeah, this is the shortest. I'll just keep it nice and quick. His favorite taste is the taste of his sister's beer.

That sentence was a roller coaster. No, it's only a roller coaster. If you're a bunch of dirty, dirty boy, there's literally no way that would be dirty. I'm not a perv. And then two, I,

I thought your picture for your costume had a not safe for work tag on it. That's how'm not a perv. And then two, I thought that Your picture for your costume had a not safe for work tag on it. That's how much of a perv you are. It had a not safe for work tag on Twitter? It did for me. Your Halloween costume

was so many levels of tragic. Okay, let's get away from my Halloween costume. I didn't notice there was shit on your face until I stared at it for an initial 15 minutes. It wasn't shit, it was blood.

Beth is not on trial today for the choices she made. It wasn't shit. It was blood. Will, let's go over to you. Thanks, Beth. Oh, I have to say my least favorite. Oh, what's your least favorite? Defeat. The taste of defeat? The taste of defeat. Or the taste of da feet.

Like, the taste of your feet. Taste of defeat is the joke one. I was gonna say, this is too dark, I was gonna say it's also the taste of his sister's beer. He loves it, but it reminds him how shitty he is. Because that is the taste of defeat. It's a complex brew when he takes a taste of it. Complex brew of emotions. Heady, potent brew.

Hello, I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the fictional character on the podcast Dungeons and Daddies. He's a Birkenstock rockin', crunchy,unchy, hippie nature druid granola dad. And my fact about Henry this week is this is not his first time in a courtroom, y'all. He was involved in an incredibly protracted legal dispute with his neighbor over the incredibly graphic mural

that Mercedes O. Garcia painted on the sidewall of their house of Mother Earth giving birth to the world. A lot of blood. It was vivid and realistic as that could be. Please don't draw that, fan art people. Please don't draw that. No, please do.

They went to court. Ironically, they had the neighbor dead to rights on zoning and free speech laws, but they wanted to do this big theatrical thing where like they called Mercedes O. Garcia as a witness, as Mother Earth. And she pretended to be a Mother Earth. And the whole thing was so annoying that they got held in contempt. So the settlement was that they had to put like a tasteful privacy tree up in front of the Mother Earth thing. But the neighbor knows it's there.

I always thought Mercedes was the more practical one. I thought she was cool until today. A different angle to her. full privacy tree up in front of the mother earth thing but the neighbor knows it's there i always thought mercedes was the more practical one i thought she was cool today different angle to her this is the secret dad fact is that i think everyone's been like well i guess henry's probably zany and mercedes is like super cool like guys mercedes is weird enough that she married henry that's all you need to know about mercedes i mean like i feel like there are a lot of specifically like visual artists who come off as like super normal, like practical people. But then they're like, did you know that I drew the inside of your eyelids last night? And so it's like, like, there's a give and take there.

There's a lot of chaotic energy on both sides of that couple. That was my go to move on a second date. I guess it doesn't work. Hello, I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather in Rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week, also legally involved. Sequel to Legally Blonde. Ron probably has a warrant out for his

arrest for parking tickets because he thinks that he thinks that if you get a parking ticket, it's like permission to park there. It's like an admit one. Like, oh, great. I got my ticket to park here. And they did it for me and everything.

They already took $50 out of my bank account. That's nice. They just went by and went like, good job. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, dad. My fact today is not going to be a big fact about me. It's going to be me introducing the guest on today's episode.

Boo, we want to hear about you. Tough titty. My dad fact is I know this person. What is your, fuck it, I'm going to make it up. She is the video queen at Polygon. She is an internet witch. She's an academic. She is spooky.

She does streams of things. She's okay. Her name is Jenna Stieber. Say hi, Jenna. Hi, Jenna. Hi, everybody. My dad fact for this episode is that last year I went to a therapist briefly who was too rich and too old to understand what my job was. And she recommended that I quit and get a law degree instead.

So this is for you, Barbara. If you're out there, you don't know what podcasts are, I think, probably. I can't believe you got therapy from my mom. Before anything happens narratively, another raven comes in holding another package. And when one of you opens it, you see a whisk inside. And this was another item. Which one of us opened it? It's up to you.

Oh, do we get to decide stuff on this podcast? Okay, Ron, you open it. I open it and it's a whisk. It is a whisk. So this was another Patreon elite session that we did. They call themselves the piss bandits and they came up with this item. So this item is called the wind whisker. When you twirl it, it creates a mini tornado that

whisks away any creature in a five foot cube to a spot of your choosing within 50 feet. And this can only be used once per day and you have to roll to see if it breaks or not. So that's another item that you now have. Daryl throws it out of the courtroom and closes the door. Perfect. Thank you, piss soldiers. Yeah. Thanks, piss bandits, for giving us something that Daryl immediately destroyed. No, I don't do it. Okay. To briefly summarize piss soldiers. Yeah, thanks, piss bandits, for giving us something that Daryl immediately destroyed. No, I don't do it. Okay. To briefly summarize what happened last episode,

you chased down death to the Meth Bay Courthouse. There was a big, long line of people coming out of the Meth Bay Courthouse. The entire town of Meth Bay seemed like it was initially like a cool Tortuga, Mos Eisley kind of place, but since has had somebody crack down and there are a lot of knights running around

putting people in change, it's kind of a bummer. Everybody seems like they're a cop. And inside you managed to track down Glenn's soul as it went into the battle acts of hatred, which is now missing a demon where there used to be a demon. You destroy the battle acts of hatred and put the soul back into Glenn's body. And as you were about to leave, the door slammed shut. And the judge of the next case that was going to be heard was Bill Close, Glenn's father. And court is now in session for the trial of the people of Faerun versus Glenn Close. Hooah! Holy smokes, is that, Glenn, is that your dad?

What's going, what, what? Sir, I demand an explanation. What is this? What have we walked ourselves into? So this is, uh, this is my next is my next big scheme, my big thing. Hey, officer, this guy's not a judge. Can you get him off of here? Arrest him.

I thought your dad was like a musician or whatever. I mean, like he had a lot of jobs. So, you know, this isn't too super surprising. Glenn, remember that scam we used to run, the Salvation Army stuff with the Santa and the elf? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like that, but like bigger. Oh, okay. Officer, he just admitted it's a scam. He just said he's not a judge. I'd like silence in the court. Silence in the elf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like that, but like bigger. Oh, okay. Officer, he just admitted it's a scam.

It's a scam. He just said he's not a judge. I'd like silence in the court. Silence in the court. What, Ron? Well, I thought that's what we were supposed to, anyway, so I'm a lawyer now. What?

Oh, no. I was actually about to ask, yeah, for your defense. Long story short, just so we can get on with the trial, so I can get out of here. You're harshing my buzz. Glenn and I, we used to run a lot of good little schemes. I used to run some schemes on my own, try to get some dogs in the fire. You know how it is.

And I thought, what's the best version of a good scheme for getting paid for getting stuff? And I realized it's two magic words and they are civil and forfeiture. So basically, I kind of took over this town. Objection. I don't understand the second word i agree thank you ron ron you're a good lawyer i appreciate this is good yeah ron's my lawyer for sure yeah what did you mean by that it means that when the law thinks that you're guilty of something they can take all of your stuff but they don't get the stuff to the judge the judge doesn't go home with this stuff i

would disagree he says gesturing at the large pile of items that you saw when you came in of which the battle acts of hatred was but one and he goes i'm basically the grand big dad judge and uh yeah he's like a poobah yeah i'm like the poobah and you know willie wanted me to kill you but like that was like a bummer like i'm not doing that but you know nice so yes technically if you get you know convicted you could go to prison forever or like other bad stuff could happen you might die i wouldn't be the one who did it though like there's some bad do you want me to explain how the trial works this whole trial's out of order what's going on is glenn under arrest what in tarnation is happening here yeah my dad asked you to kill us a little bit yeah that's stuff for you and him to discuss though i don't want to like bum myself out fraud bum myself out. Rod, don't worry. I got an ironclad legal defense.

I figured out a way out of this already. Don't worry, everybody. I'm very worried, Glenn, but okay. I will let my client speak freely. Glenn, do you want to say something to your dad? I mean... Yeah. Glenn, do you have anything you want to say to your dad right now?

Like, it's... Like, fuck off? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, but, you know, I'm pretty... You want to tell him to French off? You know, you want to tell him to frick his own business? Man, you're friends with a couple of narcs, huh? Yeah, I mean.

You're a judge. Hey, sir, you're a judge. You're the head narc, sir. No, I'm like the cool judge. You know, you're not cool anymore. The moment you became a judge, you're not cool. He puts on sunglasses and he goes, I'm the cool judge. And he puts his feet up on the bench.

Let us go. If you're the cool judge, then just let us go. I don't know, guys. This looks know guys this looks pretty cool would you explain what we're supposed to do please yeah so here's how it's gonna work you guys are all the defense i presume daryl raises his hand yeah you big boy daryl absolutely always obeys authority and as he slowly begins to realize that you're actually the judge he's getting very nervous now um does glenn have a lawyer i don't know he's three bros, two of whom are narcs. So you tell me.

So it's up to us. Okay. I'm so sorry for interrupting you, sir. I hope that doesn't affect our case. I mean, it might. It might. Shit. I'm sorry for everything I said before.

I thought you weren't in charge. I'm sorry. We're on this head legal counsel for my team. Not that I'll need it. Actually, it's Professor Ron Stampler Esquire. So Bill is addressing solely Ron when he says all this. He's looking only at you. Because I'm going to bring in my crack prosecutor.

They are the best prosecutor I got in Meth Bay. And basically, the two of you are going to go toe to toe. Each side gets two witnesses, and you're going to each try to provide arguments for or against the charges against my baby boy, which are the two charges are being a bad dad and being a bad person. Guilty. Wait, so we can just skip this whole thing if you want to. What are you doing?

Move to strike that statement from the record. As a joke. Everything Glenn says is a joke. Is that an argument you're making? Ron, help us out here. You say you're a lawyer. Ron, are you a lawyer? You said you were.

What does Ron do? What is Ron's job? I don't know what Ron does. I'm definitely in charge here. I'm definitely in charge. I was just wondering which side am I supposed to argue? It's up to you, man. You're supposed to protect me, man.

Okay. All of those charges are false. Being a bad father? No, I'm awesome. Being a bad person? Wrong. I'm the coolest person I know. Your Honor, my client has chosen to do the thing where he doesn't talk for the amendments.

For the amendments? The five. He's chosen to do his fifth amendment right. He't talk for the amendments. For the amendments? The five. He's chosen to do his fifth amendment right. He's pleading the fifth. Yes. We all know about the pleading the fifth. That's on the close family coat of arms is I plead the fifth. However, the fifth here in Faerun means that you plead.

You'll answer every question that's asked of you and you will be an active participant in your own trial. Ah, dang it. No, we forgot to read the rules. Okay, so what's going to happen is the prosecution and the defense are going to make arguments. I'm going to write down every argument that you make and the arguments can be specific things

that relate to the overall charges. For example, Glenn is a bad father because he smokes weed in front of his kid. Glenn smokes weed in front of his kid and that's a bad thing would be an argument. Objection, you're doing the trial before we're doing the trial. Which is one example.

That one doesn't count. I did that to my own kid. That one's fine. Maybe it's not. I don't know. It's up to you. I did that to my own kid. That one's fine. Maybe it's not. I don't know. It's up to you. Then it's the other side's job via cross-examination

or by questioning the witness to try to disprove that basic argument. What's going to happen is I'm going to take all these arguments. We're going to get 12 randomly selected jurors and they're going to decide

which of those arguments have merit and which one- Can I raise my hand? Yeah. Can I be a juror? No, you cannot. The jurors are going to be randomly selected from people

on the Dungeons and Daddies Patreon Discord. Henry raises his hand. Yes. What is that? Bill turns directly to the camera and winks and goes, you two at home might be able to decide Glenn's fate as well by heading to patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Wink.

And then we go back into the show. The URL appears on the bottom of the screen. He points at it. Lines are open. But yeah, so I'm going to email them personally, take away their names, anonymize them into juror numbers, and then put them in a separate server

where all of them, not knowing who anybody is, are going to talk to each other and decide which arguments have merit and which ones don't. And the ones that have merit have different dice values assigned. And I'm going to roll dice for those.

And the number of points that I get on the total of all the dice rolls gives you the score. And I'm going to compare the score of the prosecution versus the score of the defense. And that'll determine whether he's guilty or not. You're so screwed. We're more screwed than the deck of many things. Anthony, do you think that there's a bunch of like freshmen law students listening to this just fucking amped out of their goddamn minds at the idea of like the court being a dnd thing like just like fucking frothing at the mouth right now just losing their fucking minds at this awesome game mechanic that we are putting into the world i strongly suspect

that law students are going to feel the same way about this episode that dnd fans feel about the rest of our podcast which is that we don't know what the fuck we're doing. Love it. We're bringing down the entire art form. We're nerds and we suck. We should get our heads swirled. Objection slander. As you say that you turn and you see, why don't you describe what you look like? I'm about four feet tall and I've got very, very dapper black robes on, but they're cinched in the middle so you can tell that I look fit.

This is like my intro where I just talked all about my six pack abs. And what you see peeking out from the top of the robes is a mouse head. Notably a mouse, which is going to be weird in a moment. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. Mouse head, like actual scale mouse head. Yeah. Scale to the four foot tall.

Okay. Big mouse head. Yeah. Not like a tiny mouse head. Not like a Goomba from Super Mario head? Yeah, scale to the four foot tall. Like a big mouse head. Yeah, not like a tiny mouse head. Not like a Goomba from Super Mario Brothers. Yeah, yeah, not a Goomba from Super Mario Brothers, the film. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, and I've got wings that are actually to scale for a bird. So they're very, very small, not very useful.

And human hands. Let the record show, let the record of the podcast show that this lawyer has big mouse ears and wings. Thank you, bailiff. Massive dragon goes, okay. Back to the lawyer. So Bill Close looks and goes, oh, here they are. This is Radicus Finch, my number one prosecutor. They put more people away than you could possibly even count up to.

Hi, Radicus. Daryl Wilson, nice to meet you. I put my hand out. They accept your hand. Oh, hi. Thanks. And I walk away. Sidebar, your honor.

I go to Daryl. Daryl, you're blowing this case, man. You got to get together. I've never even been to jury duty. I can't. Lawyer things. Courtroom movies are horror movies for me. I can't take it.

This is too much. Daryl, let me tell you something that I've learned from my years of the hippie lifestyle. Authority is just an illusion, man. It's all made up. These are just people. We can't beat this. If they say he's guilty, he's guilty because they said so.

Like, you can't. They're the authority. It's over. We've lost. Like, I can beat a dragon. I can't beat this. This is it. This is the law.

It's over. Worst comes to worst, we bust Glenn out of here and run like hell. But, you know, right now we gotta play their game. We gotta negotiate, right? Only we can judge ourselves.

You know what I mean? Look, I know I have a lot of hang-ups and guilt about stuff. Like, I can do that, but i'm not guilty from now on we just say the g word somebody say guilty was it a guilty plea no no nice try you're you're on narc nice yo we'll just beat the legal system y'all i think daryl without realizing, is just like holding Peyton's hand like it's his dad's hand. Ow, ow, ow. It's okay. Ow.

Oh, sorry. It's okay. All right. All laws are fake. Yeah. Are there any people like watching in the audience or whatever? There's all the other chained up prisoners who are waiting for their turn to trial and they're all kind of like, ugh, because you just jumped the queue. Are they wearing prison clothes or are they wearing regular?

They're wearing whatever they got when they got arrested. Okay. Your Honor, I'd like to take a brief recess to see if anybody has a cool jacket, a blazer, if you will, so that I can look more lawyer-like. Why don't you roll investigation? Okay. Or perception, either. Ooh, that's an 18.

Wow. So you describe what kind of coat you find. Whatever you wanted to find, you find it. It's definitely pinstriped and tailored quite nicely. It comes with a tie somehow. And I've never seen the Lincoln lawyer with Matthew McConaughey, but that's probably how high I look. And it's purple also, but like a cool purple, not like a weird Spencer's purple. Can Ron wear pants now? No, Ron still cannot wear pants. You just got the coat. Just kidding.

It's a whole jumpsuit. It's a lawyer jumpsuit. Then the bottom half still burns off. Ron can wear like a trench coat. Yeah. I want this though. That doesn't make him look more trustworthy though. If he's got a trench coat, no pants.

Ron, just stay seated. Don't stand up. I think it'll help. I stand for justice. I think you lack some authority. What do you have? No pants. Prosecution, whenever you're ready, go ahead and call your first witness. Oh, geez. Or actually do opening statement if you want to do opening statement. I forgot.

How are you? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I won't speak out of turn again. I'm sorry, sir. You better be. I raised my hand and he does a finger gun at you. He goes, I just want to say I'm sorry for speaking out of turn. Thank you very much. And I said, yeah, you should be. So let's do opening statements. Radicus, why don't you go first? My main baby. Ron starts taking notes on a legal pad and whispering nothing to the people next to him. Daryl's like desperately trying to hear

to be comforted by whatever Ron is saying. The whole time, yeah, Daryl's like, wait, what, what, what? Radicus Finch has the most put upon expression on their face that you can imagine on a mouse. Very cute. But you know, they're just trying to do their job, and that's what they're here for. And they sidle up to the judge's stand and they say,

Your Honor, the crimes of Glenn Close are too many to enumerate today. It simply would not be a good use of your time or our time to talk about every single issue. The drug use, rampant the child endangerment constant the apathy with which he approaches his relationship with his only child today i want to focus on a more serious crime and then we'll talk about the bad father stuff the main charge i want to bring against glenn close today second degree murder whoa he raises his sunglasses and looks at you with surprise like another radicus first uh opening uh uh comment uh twist that's like a second removed cousin doesn't mean anything it's not a real murder you could fall in

love with that crime funny you should say that daryl we'll talk later oh oh oh you're in trouble shut up daryl's eyes are wide at henry's he tries to grab henry's hand henry and payton both hold daryl's hands give him a reassuring pat please radicus continue today i will bring to the stand two witnesses who have seen firsthand the dangerous positions that Glenn Close has put himself, his child, and the people who he cares most about in. Got that preposition. He didn't think I would. I didn't, but I should have known. I should have known. Always been on Radix. That's what we say. I lean over to Ron. I'm like, Ron, you got an idea for what our opening statement's going to be? Yeah, I wrote down the word innumerable.

opening statement's going to be? Yeah, I wrote down the word innumerable. Thus concludes my opening statement. All right, defense, your turn. I got this one, y'all. Don't worry about it. Wait, Glenn, you're going to do your own opening statement? Yeah, it's important that the people here assembled hear from, you know, the accused and they get a sense of how cool I am. All right, here we go. Everyone else, whenever Glenn says something dumb, a lawyer friend of mine said the important thing to do is to say, my client has advised me that they are going to do this so that the judge knows it's not us being dumb. Although that's kind of selling Glenn down the bus.

Never mind. Our client has advised us that he's going to do his own opening statement. Yeah. Judge, jury of the court, I stand before you accused by laws, by a number of statute laws that you've accused me of. However, I move to invalidate this whole trial because I do not consent to your laws. I do not consent to your rules. Therefore, bound by my interpretation of the true law, common law, I'm actually totally innocent of any and all of your made up crimes because they're not

real. How can you be guilty of a law? If the law is not real, I rest my case. Who? We do not rest our case. You don't get to call any witnesses. That means you're done.

Just a speed run. Radicus is going to go through there too. And we're good. Daryl raises his hand. What? Hi, sir. Judge, sir. That um a test of your honor sorry your honor your most honorable our lawyer still needs to speak ron just start speaking he can't interrupt you go your honor our client has advised us that he will be saying something hilarious as an introduction to my opening statement.

Now, you may ask yourself, why does an opening statement require an opening statement? It's because we wanted to lighten the mood before doing a serious trial. These charges are very, what are the charges again? They're bad father and bad person, but now Radicus Finch has added second degree murder to get a little bit more spicy, so who knows? Well, that doesn't seem fair. That's how Radicus do. Radicus would like to put out that the second degree murder is a subsection of the bad person.

Okay, there we go. Unrelated to the bad father. That's how the law works in Faerun, is that it's really about whether you're a bad person, and then murdering someone is evidence of the bad person crime. Yeah, so still just those two then. To continue, Your Honor, today we will be asking questions

to answer them in a way that seems pretty formal. Thank you, and I look forward to competing against uh ereticus with that opening statements are done and i'm just going to go ahead and say the prosecution won we'll go ahead and add a point to the prosecution daryl leans over to glenn hey glenn do you want to write anything down to nick in case this goes just if you want and add a point to the prosecution daryl leans over to glenn hey glenn do you want to write anything down to nick in case this goes just if you want to write a letter to nick or something i'll give it to him just depend i'm not saying you're gonna lose just write a letter to nick man i've seen those war movies when some soldier dies what's the first thing they find

on them they find the letter they never don't find the letter so that means all those soldiers are still alive so if you write a letter before you're dead, then you're going to be dead. So I'm not going to write a letter. That's stupid. Okay. Glenn taps his head like, yeah, yeah. Thinking. And then Bill was just pointing at you and nodding like, see, see, listen to this one. He's got his dad's brains. Prosecution. Go ahead and call your first witness. It is basic witch Aaron O'Neill. All right. Bill slams down his gavel and a purple shockwave emanates from the gavel out through the walls of the courtroom across the plains of Faerun to a forest where Erin is currently

at first rounding on second base with her two-dimensional boyfriend. And she is grabbed by the force of this purple shockwave and instantly taken back to the courtroom where she is suddenly sitting in the witness box. And she's like, uh, what? What? Hey, guys, I raised my hand. Did Daryl have a question? Oh, thank you. Hi, Aaron. Hey, Daryl. Please be nice to Glenn. Can I say that? Why would I be nice to put my hand down? So Bill takes this moment to remind both

lawyer groups, you can call objections whenever you want to. And whoever has the most correct objections at the end of the trial is going to get an additional bonus dice for their score, just FYI. You both have a list of things that you can call objections for also, like maybe trying to tell the witness to be nice and lie on the stand. That might be one of those. I didn't say lie. Witness is yours.

Aaron O'Neill, I would request that you disregard Daryl's advice and speak only the truth. I often do. Excellent. You're going to be a great witness. I can already tell. Oh, how does the swearing in process work? I high five her.

And she goes, yeah. Aaron O'Neill, I simply want you to describe the circumstances surrounding your death in the battle with the library. Oh, boy. Yeah. Love to talk about this. Love to bring this up as much as possible. So the dads were fighting a very large non-Euclidean mass of tentacles and book knowledge called the library. I was in the fight with them. I was knocked down to, as we say in Faerun, no HP and was on my back and was dying. I assume what down to, as we say in Faerun, no HP, and was on my back and was dying. I assume what you're getting at is that Glenn had

the opportunity to heal me. Objection leading to heal the witness. What? Objection. The lawyer will no longer say objection right now. I guess that one's sustained. The first one is is overruled so they cancel each other out do we get a point for the second one no you

can't object against yourself you're getting points grinding objection i gotta go out of loophole you almost figured it out ron i was dying i was bleeding out uh glenn had hypothetically the opportunity to heal me and instead of doing that he gave me like a cool one liner as I died. I don't remember exactly what it was. It was something about like 420 blazed or something along those lines. If you'll allow me to check my notes, I believe I know what Glenn said at this moment. Shit. Objection.

How do you know what Glenn said? I have a transcript. A transcript from what? There were a lot of witnesses to all of your crimes throughout a favor. And you're going to find that some people have an encyclopedic knowledge of all the things that you've done and what you said. Some of whom transcribed every one of our words very nicely and volunteered to do so on a website for us. Thank you, fans. We should establish that it was the trees record a transcript of everything that happens to Aaron O'Neill, by the way.

Oh, yeah, that's really, really good. Because as it's been previously established, trees are chatty bitches. Yes, and I, Radicus, as a professional lawyer, track down this information. I'm here to work, not play, boys. Everyone has the role to not get attracted to Radicus. Bill says, go on, Radicus. Here's the transcription. Erin O'Neill says, take care of my tree.

That sounds like me. Then she pauses for a moment and says, fuck it, never mind, don't take care of it. Glenn says, smoke trees? And Erin O'Neill says, I wish I, oh God, those are going to be my last words to you. And they were. Yeah. Damn, that's really sad. That was the exact quip at that moment.

Yeah, so he said smoke trees to me, uh objection smoke trees every day bill says i i sustain that because i agree with you just generally philosophically yeah i'll sustain that one it doesn't matter if it's what you said or not i know that's what you meant to say my boy aaron can you describe to me your relationship with glenn oh boy yeah i met glenn and the rest of the daddies in Arukaput. There was a horrible vampire man that we were trying to kill together, sort of. I guess we're friends. I don't know. I kind of try to take care of them every once in a while because they would definitely

themselves kill without me. And in repayment, they stress me the fuck out. So I don't know. Whatever that relationship is. You help them because you feel that if you weren't to help them, they would be injured. They would be in danger. Objection.

Counsel is testifying. It's a leading question. Sustained. Fair enough. Sorry, Radicus, rephrase your question. Why do you help them more specifically? I believe that they would be hurt or killed if I were not around to give them advice every once in a while.

And do you think behaving that way makes you a good person? God, I hope so. Otherwise, what the fuck else am I doing this for? That's a great question. Not one for me to answer in this court of law. Damn. Glenn had the opportunity to save you and didn't take it. What would you say that makes him?

Objection. Speculationion speculation. Yeah, sustained. But Bill goes sustained, but her silence is noted. When Glenn came by your side, what were you expecting him to do? I expected him to heal me. Why did you expect him to heal you, knowing everything that you know about Glenn? We were in a fight. I know he has the capacity to heal me. It feels like the thing a reasonable person would have done in that situation. A reasonable person. It's an interesting phrase to use in regards to Glenn, wouldn't you say? Objection. That's a leading statement. Sustained. Withdrawn.

sustained withdrawn I can so clearly imagine Radicus doing the thing where they turn away from the witness and put their hand up as if like it didn't even matter to me

that I have to withdraw that withdrawn real quick doing court shit's fun as fuck I get why people like these movies yeah this should definitely be

a thing more D&D campaigns do I'm gonna to throw that out there right now. Now that you've ironed out all the gameplay kinks into how to do this. Now we've made it a perfect prototype of a new gameplay system. All right, continue. Given the opportunity, if the positions were reversed, would you have healed Glynn at that moment? Yes. Objection. Question calls for speculation. Did I do that right? Ooh. I would say sustained, yeah.

She can't know for certain what she would have done, so it is a speculative answer. I would argue that a reasonable person, a good person in that instance, would not have a question about whether or not

to freely and ably heal somebody to prevent them from dying. But, withdrawn. As we both know about each other, Radicus, I always allow you a sentence worth of a monologue before withdrawing your... It's all about the performance. So you're well within the range of acceptable.

Ironically, the legal rules in Faerun work exactly the way that law TV shows in our world work. That's how the court system works. I mean, they'd better. I don't know shit about the law. Aaron, do you believe, and I don't believe this is a speculation. This is a direct question.

So cool your jets. Objection, speculating about a speculation. Meta speculation. I wasn't going to say anything. She speculated I was going to say something, but I didn't. Nice, Daryl. Thanks. High five. Oh job, Ron. I wasn't going to say anything. She speculated I was going to say something, but I didn't. Nice, Daryl. Thanks.

High five. Oh, no. Am I sworn in now? Silence from the defense, please. Order. I will throw you in contempt. That's a thing that we have. Aaron, you survived that encounter, correct?

I did. Do you have any reason to believe that Glenn would know you would survive that encounter? No. I had not told him about my birds at the time, so I do not believe he was aware of my regenerative capabilities. So to summarize and correct me if this is inaccurate, Glenn Close came near your position as you were dying. He knew you were dying. He had the capacity to heal you and chose not to. And as a result of that inaction, you died.

All of that is correct. That's second degree murder, folks. Erin O'Neill grits her teeth and looks at Glenn and like kind of shrugs like, I'm sorry, but what do you want me to do? Glenn is completely unfazed. Oh, power move. The prosecution is concluded with this witness. Counsel requests of dad huddle, your honor. Go ahead.

Okay, gang, that did not go great for us. But here's one thing. Glenn, why didn't you heal her? I have no idea. Cannot remember at all. If I remember correctly, you put a book on her. But here's one thing. Glenn, why didn't you heal her? No idea. Cannot remember at all. If I remember correctly, you put a book on her. Oh, that's right. So that he hits it. Yeah.

So you were specifically coaching Chief. You were specifically trying to use the fact that he was going to hit Aaron to kill the liar. It's not great. We should. It was definitely not great. Well, we shouldn't bring that up on our. We should definitely not bring that up.

So since I'm the witness, I don't want to hear what you're going to be saying before you ask the witness. So I'm going to take off my headset and just wave at me when it's okay. I can put my headset back on. Oh, cool. Okay, cool. I know sometimes I'm hard on Aaron, but like, you know, in this situation, like Aaron was like murdering a whole town of people. I think you also have witness assassin. You know, what is that?

You assassinate the character of Aaron. That's true. She literally just came out from like being like, I'm going to kill all these kids and these people because trees are more important than people. Look, I like her now. I understand. I'm just saying there's definitely an argument that maybe she should have died. I'm just saying maybe that's the way to do it. What about this?

It's like, look at it this way. If you think that Glenn is a bad person, then why do you continue to help Glenn? Right? That's a good one. Clearly, are they going to imply that every soldier on the battlefield who's ever not done the most perfect thing who has ever walked past a wounded soldier and hasn't sacrificed his life to do it should be accused of second degree murder are you saying every hero every person who's been in a battle who has ever had a chance to save somebody but didn't in that moment is a murder yes got it got it are there sidewalks here are there sidewalks in faerun i don't know gosh

i haven't seen any no all right what's up ron are there like cobblestones or something yeah i'm sure why what's what's the thought if you guys remember back home at san dimas sometimes we get big trees that kind of crack the sidewalk or crack the cob stones and sometimes those trees need to be cut down and it's not an easy decision but it's sort of the right thing to do with this run to speculate that glenn could have saved aaron but didn'ts the fact that he may have had a greater good at stake, such as protecting the streets and sidewalks by chopping down- Winning the battle. Yeah.

Yeah. That's very true. I feel like we got two ways here. We can either try to take down Aaron and make her look like a bad person who can't judge whether Glenn is a good person, or we buy into that Erin is a good person. But if she's a good person and she's helping us, that must mean we're good people too. So I put my hands on Ron and Henry's shoulders. I say, I trust you guys as my lawyers,

even though all of this is just a sham and the law is a concept. Anyway, go get them, tigers. Ron, you go first and then tap me in and I'll go for this ipso facto good person logic. You start with your broadside and then I'll come in and I'll be the closer. I'll clean it up. Okay, I'm going to go.

All right. Hello. Greetings, Aaron. Hey, Ron. Did you know that you would be in court today? I sure didn't. Seems like a pretty sneaky bad move to have somebody just have to take off their whole day without even warning them beforehand

i bet you were up to something really great yeah i was objection irrelevant well now that we have established your honor ron you were gonna get fucking annihilated by objections i'm just gonna Aaron, do you have any either cobblestone, cement, or sort of like hard surfaces where you live? Oh my god. Yes? Daryl's like nodding, like trying to act like this is smart. Like, yeah, go get her. He's like, yeah, get her, get her. And do any of the roots of your beloved trees happen to permeate the ground near those hard surfaces?

Objection. What is the relevance to the goodness of Glenn Close? I am establishing relevance, Your Honor. I just need a few more opportunities to be relevant. So Bill and Anthony are both like very curious to see where the fuck this is going. So for now, we'll overrule it. Answer the question. God.

Yeah. I guess the roots tend to go under the stone and like I have stone steps leading up to my house and yeah, some of the roots probably go under the stone. When the trees grow, do the roots ever pop through or disturb any of the hard surfaces? No, generally they're smart enough to know to go around them

because I can talk to them. Okay, Henry, you're up. All right, so retroactively, that objection is absolutely sustained. Oh, no. What's funny is Anthony not realizing how much you just cut. This was all talked about beforehand,

and then he just cut down her entire argument with that. I thought that he would say yes. I didn't know what you wanted me to say. I'm sorry. I still don't know where that would have gone, but it's just funny that you shut it down. Oh my God. Yeah, I definitely should never hear your planning then

because that was very good. Henry gets up and like files. He just like kind of. Henry, I'm right here behind you if you ever want to tab me in or anything. Henry straightens his back and steps up to the witness stand and paces back and forth and says,

do you consider yourself a good person? I think so. Okay. What in your estimation is, why are the dads in this realm? Objection, relevance. I'm going somewhere with this. I'd like a little bit of leeway. It speaks to Glenn's nature as to what he is doing in this realm. Great job, Relevance. I'm going somewhere with this. I'd like a little bit of leeway. So Bill goes.

It speaks to Glenn's nature as to what he is doing in this realm. Great job, Henry. Typically, I would say sustained, but just watching Ron just fucking eat shit on that last relevance objection means I definitely want to see where this goes to see if you can go zero for two. Overruled. Objection.

I did not eat shit. Yeah, sustained when he figuratively ate shit. So Aaron says, well, my understanding is that it's four dads from another realm flung into the Forgotten Realms on a quest to save their children. So to the best of your knowledge, Glenn is here to save his

child. I believe so, yes. Would you consider that to be a selfless act? Yes. Do you believe that selfless acts are good acts? Yes. Glenn is a person be a selfless act? Yes. Do you believe that selfless acts are good acts? Yes. Glenn is a person doing a selfless act to save his child. After this incident, you did continue to help the dads on their quest. Is that correct?

Yes. You consider yourself to be a good person. As a good person, would you knowingly help a bad person do something that you didn't agree with? Oh, interesting. Answer the question, goddammit. Yeah, get her. Get her. Get her. Boom? Oh, interesting. Answer the question, goddammit. Yeah, get her, get her, get her. Boom, boom, boom. No, I don't believe I would knowingly help

a bad person if I wanted to be a good person. So would you say, then, that Glenn is a good person? Uh, by the logic you laid out, I suppose so. Objection. Aaron's goodness or badness or supposition of either is irrelevant to the situation. We are talking about Glenn Close's badness. Objection to the objection.

I think that when we're talking about the relative terms of goodness or badness, some sort of reference is used in other people. Objection. Vagueness. We're not talking about moral goodness. We're talking about the law. I am merely trying to establish that Erin considers herself to be a moral person and is a moral person, views Glenn as a moral person as well. And I would argue that that has no place in the courtroom. In a trial over the morality of the person is the central question whether Glenn is a bad person. I would say that it's self-described. So it's my fault for making the law say good person, bad person.

I invited this moral diatribe on us. So I'm going to overrule the objection. It is relevant whether or not, specifically the first one, saying that we can't be arguing about whether or not Glenn or Aaron are good or bad people because the nature of what is a good person is unfortunately germane to this conversation

because I worded the charges like that. Ron, can I ask a question? Yeah, like that. Ron, can I ask a question? Yeah, go ahead. Henry, can I ask a question? Our third chair counsel, Daryl S. Wilson, Esquire, PhD, would now like to take the floor. Sure. Hi, Daryl Wilson here, third chair. I don't have a PhD.

I don't want to go to jail for perjury. I'm just me. I do barbecue. I stay at home. I'm not a lawyer. Aaron, hey, nice to see you again. Hey, Daryl. Are you dead?

Am I currently dead? No no i am not interesting have you ever known a murder victim to be uh not dead oh my god i don't suppose i don't suppose i do I rest and I go to sleep. I nearly pass out. I sit down. I go, okay. Good job, counselor. Thanks.

We have no more questions for this witness. I have a closing question for Aaron. Go right ahead, Radicus. Aaron, did you die? Yes, I did. And could Glenn Close have saved you? Yes, he could have. And did he save you?

No, he did not. I rest mine. I would like to redirect. Redirect? Yes, Ronald. Is. And did he save you? No, he did not. I rest my. I would like to redirect. Redirect? Yes, Ronald. Is that what it is? Yeah, it's right. Yes.

According to the episodes of Law and Order, I remember. That's a thing. Aaron, four days ago, did you have any money? Not very much, no. But you did have some. Yeah. Did you give me any money? I don't think I did, no.

You guys won big. But could you have? Yes, I could have. I rest. Uh, redirect the redirect, Your Honor. All right. If you guys want to keep doing friendly fire to your own arguments, go right ahead.

Do you believe that someone can make a mistake and still be a good person? Yes, very much so. I have nothing further. Thank you, Aaron. You are dismissed. And he slams his head. Before he disappears,

Glenn has folded a little paper airplane and I want to like toss it at Aaron to just like send her a little note. Okay, she catches it. Should I roll like a sleight of hand or something? Yeah, yeah, why not? Let's have a chance of not having more story happen. Why not?

That was just whether or not it gets read to the court. Okay, yeah, no matter what it'll be read, sleight of hand is to see if Bill sees you do it or not uh three plus five eight so bill snatches it out of the agency it goes hip all right let's see what this is here passing notes in class huh and it's a drawing of glenn like giving thumbs up and then a bunch of trees on fire and like a boiling cauldron of oil exploding and a bunch of trees on fire. And then like animals and people are running from it on fire. Like, ah, and then just Glenn being like thumbs up. So Bill looks at this and then he turns and shows it to Aaron.

He's like, is this a, is this a threat? And Aaron goes, uh, no. So you did do that or you're going to do that or what's the, and he goes, but this is not the place for, no, no. And when Aaron looks back over at me, it's me in the exact same thumbs up pose as drawn on the cartoon. She lowers it from frame and you're replacing it in the exact same frame. Our client has established that he will be doing the joke things like he did in his opening statement. And we'll continue to do things that are joking and not real. And laughter, they say, is the best medicine.

So one might say that he is in fact healing Aaron O'Neill right now. So he slams down the gavel and as Aaron gets like spirited away by the wave of purple, she's like, that's kind of a stretch. So it sounds like what I heard from that was that in terms of actual arguments put forth, prosecution put forth the argument that Glenn committed second degree murder. And so I'm going to assign different dice values to different arguments, depending on how germane I believe they are to the question of whether or not Glenn is a good parent and a good person. And they're going to range from D4 to D12. So a second degree murder is pretty high. So I'm going to give that one a D12. And I don't feel like defense put forth their own argument, but they did try to dismantle the other,

which will become relevant when the jury argues on this. We did put forward the argument that it's not really murder because she's alive. Which is a pretty good argument. Yeah, but that'll just be a dismantling of her existing argument rather than support from being a good person. Bill looks over at Radicus and he goes, okay, next witness, Radicus.

Guys, I think that went really well. I'm excited to see who this next witness is because so far I think we're in command. Yeah. I would like to call to the witness stand, Daryl Wilson. What the fuck? Daryl falls out of his chair.

Mr. Wilson, you will walk yourself up to the witness box and high five. No, no, he still has to stop. He still has to stop. Okay, fine. I can't do this. Tell them I'm not here. So Bill goes, all right, Daryl Wilson, here we go. And he slams down his gavel and a purple wave comes out of the gavel,

hits Daryl Wilson in the face five feet away and like picks him up and yoinks him back to the witness box and drops him down dad I go dad as I reach out to bait in a second like baby boy he travels through a parallel plane for what seems like thousands of years eons go by in a space of no time and no reality and he emerges five feet away actually I like the idea that I go into like a portal and they like sit me down they explain like how being a witness works and i have to sign paperwork and i'm like do i get lunch we get lunch breaks like yeah i got a lunch break it's like it's a cold sandwich it's like i meet a few people who are also being witnesses you know we kind of form a bond because we're all here for that day and then they're like all right daryl's your turn and then i i show up in the chair and it's been like a week for me oh hey guys it's been

a while. Okay. Glenn, I'm going to do my best. I think I got this. I'm prepped. I'm ready to go. Daryl, have you lost weight? Yeah, I know. I had some time to work out. What have you guys been up to? We're still in the trial, man. We just realized you're getting called to the stand. I know. It was a shock a week ago.

It took me a while to get over it, but here I am. I'm ready to go. So good. The witness is yours, Radicus. Daryl. Yeah. Are you prepared to answer all of the following questions under the most sacred holy oath of this court of law? Oh, no, absolutely. I don't lie. I look at the judge and I nod and I smile. Never lie. I high five you. Oh, yeah, I high five. Should I say it again now that I've been sworn in? Because before I could have lied, but I didn't because I never lie. I just swore it again. Never lie. Daryl Wilson, how long have you known Glenn? I mean, seems like ages, but I would say I know him as a person since we went on the field trip. I kind of, you know, an acquaintance. I've kind of seen him around at not really PTA meetings. He frankly

doesn't go to those or even really the soccer games all that often. You know, I see Nick more than I see Glenn. Oh shoot. I mean, I know him pretty well. I've known him for like a couple of years. Have you known him to change or evolve or become a different or better or worse person in that time? Absolutely. Since we've been transported to this world, he's become a better person. May I remind you, you are under oath. Yeah. become a better person may i remind you you are under oath yeah i think he's become a better person can you recount for me the one experience that you had can you recount for me the experience you had fighting alongside glenn and the rest of the fathers using the drug flowers while you were trying to steal the Battle Axe of Hatred. Objection.

He can't remember that. Yeah, I don't remember very well. Like you said, there's drug flowers. I usually don't do drugs, sir. Absolutely not. I barely even smoke a cigarette. But those, yeah, I had a lot of flowers. I mostly remember spinning and vomiting.

I don't quite remember what Glenn did, but I'm sure your transcriptions would tell you. Am I right? They will. I don't know why you Glenn did, but I'm sure your transcriptions would tell you, am I right? They will. I don't know why you were sarcastic about that. You were very high-handed about that, but the answer is yes. Daryl's sassy out of nowhere. Would you describe the experience of being under the influence of those drug flowers as pleasant?

It was horrible. Since you can't remember how convenient, I will describe it for you. You had successfully drugged quite a few number of these guards, and Glenn himself had charmed one of them, a gentleman named Harrelson. And using his charm ability sent this man into the fog of the various levels of drug flowers, an experience you admit yourself is deeply unpleasant. That man retrieved the ax for you and brought it back out.

He was suffering from a number of the effects of these flowers, including levitation and vomiting and memory loss. And it just sounds so terrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Oh, thank you. It was very bad.

Here's what Glenn did when he came out of the fog. I pat him on the back encouragingly and say, thanks so much, Harrelson. You have a good night. And I just sort of gently push him back into the room and close the fog. I pat him on the back encouragingly and say, thanks so much, Harrelson. You have a good night. And I just sort of gently push him back into the room

and close the door. This man was, at the moment, still charmed and was not a threat in any way because he was under the effects of all these flowers.

And yet, Glenn took the initiative to push him back into that fog and close the door where he would suffer from those effects for an outstanding amount of time. Would you say that's something a good man does?

Well, yeah, because I assume that... Glenn whispers, hell yeah. Yeah. I don't like drugs, but, you know, Glenn does. And, like, I've learned a lot from my friends here, like Henry and Ron and Glenn, that, you know, some people like things that I don't like. And so maybe that guy enjoyed the drugs.

I can't possibly assume that he didn't enjoy vomiting and spinning around. I mean, I don't like cigarettes. It feels like it's horrible. Bill starts jerking off in the air. Excuse me. Can I object to the judge making a masturbation motion when I'm testifying? You can. Overruled baby.

And he just does it harder at you. And secondly, the person that he pushed into that den was a drug dealer i if i were to understand and was somebody that was trying to kill us so you know i mean was he at that moment trying to kill you do you recall i mean or was he charmed and drunk they only last for so long i don't know how those spells work i feel like glenn was doing it to make sure that we can make it back safely and help nick out his son who's he trying to save interesting saved by the way the judge here, who's a shitty dad and as bad of a dad as he is a judge. Objection. He's not on trial.

As bad of a dad as he is a judge. He's not on trial and you're not a lawyer. Those are both true. I can't lie, but I'm right. I'm telling the truth. Let's talk about Nick for a moment, shall we? Yeah. He's a good soccer player.

Oh, man. He's got a good right foot and a left foot. That kid kicks with both feet. Not at the same time. He could. You drink. You drink alcohol. Oh, man, it's got a good right foot and a left foot. That kid kicks with both feet. Not at the same time. He could. You drink. You drink alcohol. Oh, yeah.

But you don't let your children drink beer, right? I mean, Grant drinks Eucharistic wine. Oh, my God. But he doesn't drink it recreationally. I would hope not. But, you know, as a kid, you know, kids will be kids. I mean, I don't let him. I would definitely not want him to do it.

Is there a reason you think that children aren't allowed to drink beer? Because the law says so. The law does say so. Have you ever seen Nick smoke pot? Yes. Have you ever seen Glenn observe Nick smoking pot? Yes. Interesting. This is not a moral question, but would you say that that is illegal? I cannot recall the laws of California when it comes to the consumption of the pot. Oh, dear. Bill's like, I definitely can. It is definitely illegal. You can't remember. That's fine.

Let me ask you about another instance. I remember it's illegal. I'm sorry. I don't want to go to prison. Lying under oath. But I took it back. That's okay, right? No, I mean, it's still perjury.

It's like if you shoplift and they stop you and you just say you didn't steal anything, there's nothing they can do. But if you admit it, they have to call the cops. It's like one of those. Eileen over Erraticus, can you be my lawyer after this for my perjury charge? I just don't let Ron be my lawyer, please.

I need to get out of this. You got it. Ron writes something on the paper and then whispers. Keep going with the trial, but I'm writing this down. After the experience gathering, or one might say stealing, the Battle Axe of Hatred, Glenn left your group for a short period of time. Isn't that right? Yes.

How did he leave? In the minivan with Nick, his son. Glenn throws the horns up and be like, yeah, that was awesome. How did he take possession of the minivan? That's your minivan, is that correct? Yes. Would you say you willingly gave him the use of that minivan to leave you behind? No, I did not.

I don't know how he got the keys. I can tell you that the actual circumstances of that event was that he let Nick hotwire it. So, in fact, to Glenn's credit, he is not the one who committed that crime. He let his 13-year-old son do it. Wow. Man, he can hotwire too? Objection, is that a question? I hear a question there.

I heard the counsel saying stuff. Yeah, guys, you should object more, please. I'm dying up here. Objection, counsel testifying. I will sustain that. You can rephrase that as a question. I will enter this transcript into evidence. You turn and see

the lights of the Honda Odyssey turn on, and you hear the engine rumble to life. Nick rolls down the window and peeks his head out of the driver's side. He goes, I hot-wired it, and I got a natural 20. Later, suckers. Does that sound familiar to you, Daryl? Yeah, that sounds like Nick. So cool. That's definitely

a crime. He stole your van. Objection. Council's testifying again. That wasn't a question in the council's. Didn't you hear the inflection of my voice? I'm sorry. Are question words the only ways questions can be posed in your world? Watch out, Henry. That's a question.

It's a trick question, Henry. Look out. That's actually secretly a question. Daryl, do you recall Nick hot wiring and stealing your car under Glenn's supervision and approval? I don't recall those things, but I do recall the moment that you explained, which is him saying he hot wired the car and that he rolled a natural 20 and then he called his suckers and then he drove off. I recall that. Yes. And that isn't turned into evidence. Thank you. Yes. And then they came back or we found them.

Oh, no, I lied again. We found them. I didn't lie. I just forgot for a second. Double perjury. Two counts of perjury. Desperately doing the like stop talking gesture with his hand. Daryl's definitely reading it as Henry's going to kill him because he's doing the third thing. What? I'm sorry. You had a little run in with a man formerly known as Scam Likely. Is that correct? Multiple run ins. Do you remember the events that occurred after you visited Scam Likely's house

and were put into a sort of truth or dare situation? Yes. And what were you playing for in that truth or dare game? I'm trying to remember. This was not good. This was my great time when the defendant says, uh-oh, super flat. To get our money back, Scam did a lot of things. If I help you remember, am I going to be objected by the rest of your council, or is this going to be acceptable?

Is it good? Ron is like straight up my favorite fictional lawyer character in any media ever devised. Like straight up the funniest lawyer ever in the history of lawyers on screen or off. It's so good. I'll allow it, counselor. You were playing for a large number

of jewels worth quite a lot of money that you had planned, if I recall correctly, to use to save your sons. Yes. Presumably the entire reason that you are continuing on this quest. Absolutely. Is that correct? Yes. And now we're trying to get home because we got our sons.

He got his son too. Because he worked really hard. He's not here though. Well, no, because we put him in a safe spot. Oh, we can't say where he is because the judge is trying to take him. The judge is not on trial here. This will answer the questions asked, you big ol' narc dork. I'm sorry, Judge.

Your Honor. That's right. Do you remember the choice that Glenn was given? I actually do not. It was a choice between keeping a number of jewels so that you could save your children by giving up his rock and roll. He would forget to learn to play the guitar and become a Linkin Park DJ. Linkin Park cover band DJ?

That sounds so cool. I like Linkin Park. You'll recall then what he chose between those two? If I remember correctly, Glenn did the really cool and honorable thing of not allowing, like, look, if somebody says, hey, you have a choice, it always bothers me in those superhero movies.

Answer the question, sir. I don't, I remember that he chose not to let Scam Likely force his hand. That's the way I would word it. Bill's like, I don't know, I don't fully understand that he chose not to let scam likely force his hand. That's the way I would word it. Bill's like, I don't know. I don't fully understand what that answer meant. He said he was like a double negative. It feels like he said, if I remember.

Hey, Glenn, did he say something cool to scam likely when he chose what to do? Throw the jewels away. I'll never give up being a rock star, baby. Guitars for life. Hendrix, baby. Clapton, baby. I went over to the rat and be like that sounds about right yeah that that that okay so yeah he said that so bill close is immediately making that like oof face like

but nodding to objection bill close would respect the shit out of that yeah i mean he's like this is not looking for your case but that's 100 what i would have done kind of like nodding like that's my boy all right that is my boy so you have your answer yeah he decided to uh keep who he is as a person and then he went and saved his son anyways cool it's beautiful daryl do you know if glenn has ever been to disneyland i think he doesn't like disneyland but he likes universal studios which is crazy because you can go through all of universal studios in like an hour and it glenn slams his knee slams into the table so hard he almost breaks the table but he doesn't say anything. Daryl I hate to inform you that's incorrect he's a large Disney fan in fact he's such a big fan of Disney. Okay I wasn't lying

that wasn't perjury I just did not remember I just want to make sure that's clear. It's okay we still got you on the two other counts. This is why I don't go to jury duty or do anything in court. He's such a big fan of Disney and Disneyland in specific that he has gone without taking his child. In fact, specifically going during school days so that he did not have to bring his child with him. Objection, Your Honor. Withdrawn. The ultimate power move. They did the thing where they said the thing that was cool and then they

now we look like fools henry oh radicus do you know if nick likes disneyland withdrawn don't ask them a question what are you doing well maybe nick doesn't like disneyland it's not bad nick doesn't like disneyland and there's no evidence bill says if you want to ask questions of potential witnesses you got to call them all i'm saying is she didn't call Nick as a witness. And as far as I understand, I think Nick is so cool. I think Nick probably doesn't like Disneyland. So maybe Glenn was doing him a favor. You don't know.

That's all I'm saying. The premise of your question doesn't mean anything. Like I go and I mow the lawn without Grant because Grant doesn't like mowing the lawn. As far as I know, Nick thinks Disneyland's like mowing the lawn, which would be awesome because mowing the lawn is wonderful. I forget what I was trying to say. Totally relevant metaphor. Henry, this is great. Have you ever seen Glenn give Nick a knife? I think we've all given all

of our kids a knife. I think I might have given Nick a knife. Interesting. Go ahead and enter that into evidence that Daryl says all parents have given all their kids knives. To be clear, sir, we're in a world with slavery and that bad dads can be judges. So yes, we've given people knives. What does Peyton think about that?

Peyton's like, hell yeah, they do. All kids deserve knives from their daddy. You have a dragon here that could kill all of us. So, of course, we have knives. What do you mean? Everyone's got a knife here. We were pulled into this world against our will by the judge. And we've been fighting for our survival and the survival of our children.

You're damn right we've given our kids knives. Order in the court. Order in the court. Continue with your questioning. Daryl? Yes? That young man over there, is that Peyton? Yeah. You're looking after him? Yeah. He's looking after me sometimes too, it feels like. Peyton blinks and nods. Have you ever refused to give Peyton a knife because you found it dangerous? Well, yeah. That's mostly because he's proven- Interesting response. He's proven pretty zealous with the knife. In fact, if Peyton was on trial here, I might have to keep my mouth shut when it comes to how he uses the knife.

Say whatever I want, I got nothing to hide. In fact, he stabbed Glenn and Glenn was okay with it. That's how good of a person Glenn is. He was okay with a kid stabbing him and instead made it a teaching moment. I did not stab him. I sliced his Achilles. There's a very clear difference.

Thank you. Peyton is not on trial here. Peyton, what did Glenn do to you when you stabbed him in the Achilles heels? He stopped having hiccups, which means I'm fucking good at my job. I would like to enter into evidence. Nick's reaction upon receiving a knife from Glenn. He immediately starts stabbing the door.

What was the door? Does that seem like a responsible use of a knife to you? Glenn's looking around like being like, how else are you supposed to test a knife? I don't get it. What are they getting at? Daryl, if you gave Peyton a knife and he immediately began stabbing the nearest wooden object,

would you consider that a good sign? I would not consider it a good sign or a bad sign. I would use it as a moment to maybe explain how I would use a knife. Would you allow him to keep the knife? I personally would. No speculation, your honor. Objection.

Sustained. I would have to see in that moment. You never know. You never really know what you're gonna do as a parent until you get there. Are you a parent? I have 40 children. Wow. They're in the mess.

That must be tough to be there all the time. They're all incredibly happy. I'm a single parent just trying to make my way in this world. Just like. Fair point. They're all super successful, really well adjusted. Like, they all love their parents. He's like a Kardashian lawyer and bird Kardashian family.

Yeah, we're social media stars, but we're all super well adjusted. Daryl, have you ever known Glenn to bet on child fights? Honestly, this is just a Glenn Close greatest hits track is great i do not recall daryl you are under oath i'll ask you again do you recall glenn close ever betting on child i do not recall i don't recall we were in a place where there's child fighting but i can't recall everything that happened because i was very upset by the fact that children were fighting. I can't recall. You don't recall that Glenn not only paced bets, but placed his son, 13-year-old Nick, in a child fight. Well, everybody else was eight.

Thank you. Yes, thank you, Ron. I mean, that's just good strategy. Like, he's got a five-year up on everybody else. That's my boy right there. I could continue, but I simply see no point given that Daryl has admitted firsthand to seeing Glenn commit several crimes. But I will ask one final question of you

before I turn you over to Ron. Objection! I don't like the way they said Ron. Overruled. Objection! Condescension! Overruled. Are you familiar with the concept

of serial killers, Daryl? I mean, I've heard of, yeah. Do you know any of the markers by which one defines a serial killer? Objection! Daryl is not a TV detective or a child psychologist. Yeah, objection! Daryl is not a white lady with a true crime podcast. Oh my god, stop it!

This one goes out to all my murderinos and my crime junkies. Real crime junkies know real crime junkies. No, I will sustain that. You're going to have to ask him, not presuming that he's an expert in this stuff. Let me then just ask you, have you recently seen Glenn Close murder a squirrel with a gun? No, I did not see Glenn Close murder a squirrel with a gun. Oh, interesting. That's not the part I thought you would object to. Daryl, have you seen

Glenn Close recently kill a squirrel? Glenn Close defended himself against a squirrel that was attacking him, yes. How did that fight start? I don't recall. Oh, you.

Radicus, more than anything, is disappointed. Daryl's okay with that. Daryl doesn't like Radicus. I turn over this witness. Defense, the witness is yours. Thank you, Your Honor. May I approach the witness?

Okay. Hey, Daryl. Have you ever seen Nick be harmed by smoking weed or holding a knife. Objection. Daryl is not a doctor. No, this is his opinion is irrelevant. I'll overrule it. Have you seen harm? I don't think you need to be a doctor to see harm.

Nick never hurt himself with a knife, and I don't think he injured anybody that I can recall. And in terms of smoking, he never coughed and he seemed like normal old Nick after he took a hit of that stuff. So, you know, I would say that I didn't see him harmed in any way. Not that I would do it, but you know, that's, you know, people have different feelings about things. I see. Okay. So Glenn, who we have established came into the forgotten realms with us because of the judge because of the judge to save our children did glenn end up saving his kid yeah he did he saved his kid awesome okay this is going so well yeah good job ron daryl you personally have you

ever made jokes with grant your son that maybe he laughed or didn't laugh yeah i make jokes with Grant, your son, that maybe he laughed or didn't laugh? Yeah, I make jokes with Grant, but I feel like he laughs at most of them. You are under oath. He doesn't laugh at most of them. I'm sorry. What part of you led you to want to make jokes and include him in jokes with you? Man, we're under oath. I mean, I was going to say that it's probably to make him feel better, but if we're under oath, honestly, it's probably to make me feel better because when he laughs at a joke, it makes me feel good because when he laughs at a joke, it makes me feel good, like I'm being a good dad. You feel like a good dad.

Yeah. Hmm, is it possible in your non-medical but fatherly opinion that Glenn, when introducing Nick to things that could be harmful potentially but weren't with the evidence, is it possible that Glenn was just trying to have fun with his son?

Yes, I feel. And is it possible then that having fun with his son is what makes a good dad? I think it's part of what's making a good dad. And if it's possible, then is it possible that a good dad can also be a good person? Yeah, I think good dads are part of being a good person. I rest, your honor. Bill immediately just- Oh, wait, actually, Henry had some questions too.

Sorry, go ahead, bud. Hi, golly gee whiz, that was so great, Ron. I kind of don't want to steal your thunder, but I did just want to circle back to a couple of points made by the opposing counsel. Daryl, I'm just a simple country hippie without a law degree, but speaking to the incident with Scam Likely,

what do you know Glenn's profession to be? He makes money making music, which is like awesome. I'm not a music man myself, but would you say that- Objection. Counsel is being modest. He's actually a great musician. I would like to enter into evidence the Rocks Rock EP. I'm something of a music lover myself. Would you say that rock and roll is super cool? Yeah, it's awesome. It's the best music. Would you say that in our world, rock musicians can make a lot of money? Yes.

Do you think a DJ for a Linkin Park cover band could ever make as much money as a Christmas cover band rock and roll star? I look at Henry for the answer. Can I roll a sleight of hand to give you the answer? Roll a sleight of hand and roll a sleight of head as you shake your head. Daryl is trying to be Daryl in character. I know what you're trying to do, but. I got a 19.

Okay, so you successfully managed to shake your head no without anybody else in the courtroom noticing. I would say I cannot name a single DJ, but I can name a lot of rock and roll stars.

So I would assume that people who do rock and roll make a lot more money than DJs. And DJs are probably mostly high school dropouts that have never made it in life. Unless you're listening to this podcast, in which case we love you. You hear objection from across the room.

You look over, the door swings open. DJ Tiesto steps into the courtroom. Followed by Skrillex. Paul Oakenfold. Hey guys, it's me, Paul Oakenfold.

I've just come in on me private jet, innit? Just got done playing Glastonbury. I've heard what you said about DJs. I quite disagree with it. Anyway, I'm going to go drop some molly and shag a bunch of supermodels on my private jet. Bye! Would you say that one of the things a father is supposed to do

is provide for their child? Yes. So then doesn't Glenn Close, deciding to protect his livelihood as a rock and roll musician? Isn't he ensuring his son's future by making that decision? Yeah. Objection. Speculation. I'm going to overrule it because Daryl is from our world, so he is kind of an authority on what is or isn't plausible in our world financially. Nice. I'll give him that. Follow up. Daryl, have you seen the movie Air Force One? Have I seen Air Force One?

Yeah. In the movie Air Force One, when terrorists hijack the president's plane. Oh, they don't know what they were doing. They do not know what they were doing. I'll tell you what. They got more than they bargained for. Yeah.

They hijacked the wrong plane. Do you think it would have been the right thing to do for Harrison Ford to negotiate with the terrorists? Absolutely not. That's what I was trying to say. Scam like me is a terrorist. Glenn wasn't going to negotiate. Glenn is Harrison Ford in Air Force One. We win the case.

Hell yeah, I high five Henry. I high five Daryl and I say no further questions, Your Honor. One more question. Daryl, have you seen the movie Vertical Limit? Are we just going to talk about the best movies right now? Because, yeah, I've seen Vertical Limit. Do you agree that it is a pretty good movie? Pretty good does not begin to describe.

No further questions, Your Honor. Thank you. So slinking behind Radicus Finch this entire time has been a very small gnome with a very cute little round face. And he pulls on Radicus's cloak and goes, can I jump in for one quick little bit of cross-examination? Go for it, kid. Cool. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Hello!

My name is Evan DeEssence. I am a paralegal assigned to this case with Radicus Finch. I have a question for you, Daryl. The antagonists of the film Air Force One, what do they want? Do you remember their demand to the president? Yeah, they wanted to free a bunch of crappy terrorists. Correct.

And Harrison Ford said, uh-uh, I don't think so. And he answered with bullets. And God, that movie's awesome. Yes, for the first two acts of the film, he refuses, does he not, to negotiate. Yes. Objection, we're not looking at the first two acts of this film. This isn't Blake Snyder under trial here.

No, I agree, I agree. I want to look at the third act, because what happens in the third act... Objection, we have to look at the first two acts again. If there's a problem with the third act, there's probably a problem with the first a problem in the third act of the film once harrison ford's wife and daughter have been kidnapped by gary big mistake gary oldman says release my people or i'm going to kill your wife and your daughter what does harrison ford do okay

so matt out of character needs to remember what he releases the prison because then i remember at the very end of the movie the guys run's running, it's the ticking clock, because the guy's trying to run away and they shoot him. Oh, okay. Yeah, he releases the prisoners. Would you say then, in that moment, he was doing that to save his wife and child? He was doing that to save everybody.

So would you then agree that that was the correct thing to do for him to temporarily go against his morals and release the prisoners for the chance of his family being saved? I think he was trying to save his wife and child. Len chimes in from the back. Objection. Air Force One is a fictional movie. Objection.

That didn't stop y'all from using it. Yeah, it has been entered into evidence. He holds up a Blu-ray of Air Force One with Wolfgang Peterson, director's commentary, and he hands it to the bailiff. I just want to make sure that the council will be able to look at the evidence tonight. It's been a while since we've been able to. Bill says, I mean, yeah,

you're going to be in contempt. You're going to be in jail, so we'll get a DVD player. Wait, what? I'm in jail already? We haven't even finished the trial. You perjured yourself. We're going to have to hold you in contempt while the court's going on. Redirect, Your Honor. Yeah, I stepped up the stand. Daryl, have you witnessed Glenn risking his life to save his child absolutely have you witnessed glenn risking his life to save us yes have you witnessed glenn risking his life to protect our children yes have you witnessed

there's a longer gap each time would you call this man a good father yes i would say also since i'm already in contempt i don't give a shit and i stand up and father? Yes. I would say also, since I'm already in contempt, I don't give a shit. And I stand up and I hold a microphone. I would say that if Harrison Ford was in that same situation and the question was, hey, do you want to keep being president or bring in some DJ or get a bunch of money? He would say, screw you, scam likely. I'll keep being the goddamn president of the United States of America and I'll figure out a way to save my wife and kid. He did the right thing. Glenn did exactly what Harrison Ford would do.

That movie kicks ass. Glenn kicks ass. You don't kick ass, sir. This whole trial is a sham. Thank you very much. I just start leaving. I just walk. Bill's like, well, you got to stay sitting down.

I'm so sorry, sir. I'll run back as I sit down. Everyone, for the question, I'd like to enter into evidence a number of Christmas wish lists that Glenn prepared and gave to Nick of things that Glenn would like Nick to buy him for Christmas. Including on this list is a $500 drone. Multiple years does this appear on the list. Daryl just starts hiding. Glenn leans in and raises his hand. He goes like, actually, when the DJI Mavic 2 came out, that replaced the older one because that would be a new version of the Mavic. So sorry, just go ahead. Thank you, Glenn. No, I appreciate that correction. It really underscores my point.

In response to how he believed Nick would get the money for this $500 piece of equipment for him, his father, he says, I don't know. Can't you sell laser pointers? You must be selling laser pointers or something. I mean, how is he getting all that weed? Am I right? Glenn is the coolest fucking doodle live. Daryl, do you think that is the statement of a good father? I think the Glenn that did that was doing the wrong thing. Interesting. I feel like he's learned a lot since then.

Glenn has stopped doodling and been like, whoa. I give Glenn the look like, come on, man. Not much I can do. Glenn starts to mime flying a drone and like starts gesturing at it like how cool would that be like and he moves his thumbs around and like pretends that his hand is a drone and points at it with his other hand being like drone i've never seen a man try to hang himself so intently as glenn here radicus just gestures at glenn as he's doing this and says no further questions so i guess with that we could go so it's defense's turn to call your witnesses now and stuff but I'm kind of tired so I think I'm gonna just go ahead and call for a recess for everybody so

Ray why don't you uh take uh Daryl to the meth bay supermax wait I thought we were kidding I'm not wait really I'm I'm in it's just until you know we next come back into court you're on the legal team so you'll come back can I get a blue he's a member of you know, we next come back into court. You're on the legal team, so you'll come back. Can I get a Blu-ray player? Objection! He's a member of our legal team. We assume full responsibility for Daryl to not- Okay, all of you go to the Meth Bay Supermax jail. Okay, so Ray, why don't you drag them all? So the dragon gestures at you towards the Meth Bay Supermax, and is like, after you, obviously.

Thanks, Henry. Thanks for trying. And he leads you into your cell in the Meth Bay Supermax jail. As you go in, it is just full on the jail from face off. Like everybody's got to put on like shoes. They're fucking like down to the fucking ground. Glenn is so psyched. Glenn goes like, anybody got light?

Anybody got light? Right, guys? Anybody got light? Yeah, I like that movie, but I don't like being in it right now, Glenn. So you're all led into a cell. See anything you like? Yeah, damn it. Wee, you good looking.

They give you a DVD player for Air Force One, but then they give you a Blu-ray and they don't ever bring back the DVD so you don't get to watch Air Force One. Lights off happens. And then as you're all about to go to sleep after you've talked about or maybe before you've talked about

whatever your plan is for the next day of jury stuff of the court of the trial, you see a shadowy figure approach the cell and knock on the bars. Guys, I think there's someone at the door. I'm going to go check out who it is. And then you hear clonk, clonk, clonk, clonk. And about five minutes later, I get to the front door of the jail. And I'm like, hey, who is it? Who's behind that mysterious cloak? The figure in the cloak throws the hood back and you see it's Bill Close.

And he goes, hey, son, I'm busting you out of here. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Special guest this episode, Jenna Stieber, who played Radicus Finch. You can find her at TheJenna, one word, on Twitter. And she streams on Twitch at twitch.tv slash the underscore Jenna. Make sure you check out her stuff. Theme song and outro is All Right by

Maxson Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Robin Rapp helps us with transcriptions. Radicus Finch was submitted by Camden Matheny. Evan Essence by Dylan Caudill. This podcast has a Patreon, and on that Patreon are our fine supporters who help make this show possible. These people have awesome, cool-sounding names, such as Gwendolyn R. Carpenter, Brittany Dinger Jackson, Gavin Denning, James Watkins, Tyler Rubini, Bambi Roper, Dakota Connor, James Watkins, Tyler Rubini, Bambi Roper, Dakota Connor, Kathleen McRae, Robin P. Smith, Avi Saban, Jordan LaCointa, Laura Edwards, Chris Blundell, Preston Jacob, Q nerds with Will DMing and Matt, Beth, and myself providing NPC voices and additional goofs. Anthony simultaneously played Walter and Payden, and it is a sight to behold.

Don't take my word for it. Listen to this clip. As you're falling towards the city, the first thing that happens is the dragon catches your eye and swoops down towards you guys. You guys get to do one thing before the dragon reaches you. So what do you want to do? Hear me out. Oh, boy. Okay, so what's the one thing that dragons have no interest in eating?

On the count of three. I can't speak at the same time as you. Okay, I'll do it. Broccoli. Broccoli. This is why we're such a good team. You can hear the rest of that right now if you support us on Patreon at any level. That's patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads in case you were wondering.

The next stretch goal, a Star Wars miniseries about a down-on-their-luck jizz band. Yes, that's the name of the music canonically in Star Wars that they play in the cantina. It's jizz music. Please don't at me. It's coming out soon. You can find that along with all kinds of bonus content at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Follow us on Twitter at dungeonsanddads. Reddit.com slash r slash dungeonsanddaddies thank you so much for listening our next episode

is november 24th right before thanksgiving we will see you then and then batman comes up and he goes if you have somebody on a train Never brought you down Never brought you down And then Batman comes up and he goes, if you have somebody on a train and you destroy the controls so that it's gonna crash into the water depot and you don't save them, is that murder?