Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 47 - Glenn Close's Damages

Episode Date: November 24, 2020

The second day of the trial of the century begins as Glenn takes the stand to defend himself.This episode contains profanity, drug/alcohol use, and a brief reference to violence.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCourtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. What you're witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. Both parties have agreed to have their cases settled here. The Sheeple's Court. Yeah, that's right, I said it. These are the plaintiffs, the people of Faerun represented by Radicus Finch. They claim that I, Glenn Close, am both a bad person and a bad father because I let Aaron O'Neill die in our fight with the library

and I charmed some rando bad guy I don't remember the name of and, oh yeah, also I let Nick do awesome stuff like hot wire cars and smoking the kush. This is the defendant, me, Glenn Close. I say that I'm completely innocent of all these charges because the fundamental framework upon which the legal system is built is a fabricated construct, and as such, the institutions which govern these so-called laws have no power over any of us.

And also, I'm sorry, is it a crime to not heal every single person in a fight? I've killed a lot of dudes here, and smoking weed and boosting cars fucking rules, and nobody can tell me what to do. The typewriter sound effect. Anyway, stay tuned for Glenn Close's damages after this short introduction. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a thrilling courtroom drama and D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons.

our world flung into the forgotten realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons my name is freddie wong i play glenn close the man of the hour for the trial of the century here when he's not answering for his crimes he's a rock and roll bar dad and this week's glenn fact glenn super in the hand lotions you know how everybody has like that one thing they like buy by default like i know some people masturbate with yeah no no No, no, no. Hold on. I was going to defend him this episode. It's a good thing. No, like I have a friend who's like into soaps. So they get like different soaps.

I have another friend who likes, you know, scented candles. So this is a little luxury. This is like how he treats himself. This is a little luxury. He's got a lot of hand lotion. Freddie, I have a question, which is I would imagine as a rock and roll guitar man, he needs to build up some thick calluses on his hands is that undermined by all the nice lotion he buys for himself no it's just avoid the calluses so they stay rock hard for his pinkies it's like baby soft skin except for like

these three tips of three fingers are just rock hard calluses which means that he now has something in common with daryl who had a 90 year old pinky finger. I would hate myself if I let this topic go without making this comment. But have you guys done the the like foot peel things where you basically it's solely my self care kink where you put your feetsies or your handsies in these sort of mitten things for about an hour and then over the course of the next three days, the skin sloughs off and you have baby feet again and it's haunting and so

tempting. I like that you said baby feet, not baby skin, so get a little baby feet. Suddenly you are very top heavy. I can fit in my size twos once again. Mom mom do you still have those booties from when I was a kid dang

I know I have a huge problem because I was talking to my mom for sale best baby shoes I know I have a huge problem because I was talking to my mom on the phone and I was like I can't wait until the new year where I can slough my feet off again

I'm begging you to stop saying that I'm so sorry Episode after this one will be Beth's trial Okay I'm sorry Answer your question We're on the feet thing now And also good hand care is good moisturizing.

You got to be, you don't want, yeah, just be, you know, like, take care of your hands. What kills me is Friday Edits, so I know all this bullshit's staying in. Hi, my name's Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon his journey into the Forgotten Realms. We shall finally finish this epic of Daryl's five senses. Yeah. This is Vision. Daryl's favorite sight is the

image of Carol smiling when she eats something good that Daryl makes because Daryl likes cooking and he's got good food. I don't know what his least favorite was until Freddy spoke. So now his least favorite sight is watching Glenn weirdly moisturize his hands. What is weird

about moisturizing your hands the way glenn does it is very odd it's just very grotesque and he's enjoying it too much he forms a fist and then he like pumps each finger through the fist on the opposite hand and then does it on the other side just for maximum coverage oh no that's not even his least favorite anymore his new least favorite is best skin sloughing off is now since beth is a canonically a character in this show no that's so much better than i am has daryl met beth in the show yeah i think beth probably showed up at like a pta meeting or at like a cat ron's weird friend beth oh boy anyways hello everyone i'm will campos i play

the fictional character henry oak on the podcast dungeons and daddies why do you say fictional now because he's fictional why don't you guys he's trying to put some distance between himself and the crime of his creation like frankenstein's monster i like that the audio equivalent of wiping down your finger clark gable plays the fictional character this bullshit story you're about to watch. Enjoy. He's with a $14 asshole. Got all the way in a bunch of horse shit

that never actually happened. My Henry fact this week is I thought that I'd make it an interactive fact and I will answer one question as Henry from the group. So Henry's an open book. Fire away. What's Henry's favorite movie?

Henry's favorite, his real favorite movie is... Answer in character, coward. Hey, Anthony, gosh, golly gee whiz. It's so nice to talk to you outside the context of the podcast. Really love the question about my favorite movie. Now, I know I've said in the past that it's the sunrise, but like I like real movies too and I get what you're after. I have to say there's this really neat, nifty hiking movie

called The Blair Witch Project. And I saw it on TV and the sound was off, so I couldn't quite figure out what was going on. But it seemed like, you know, I wish there were more movies that were less about killing and cussing and more movies just about people enjoying nature. So, you know, boy, how do I like that

Blair Witch Project quite a bit. I want them to do more projects. You know, they could do a Yosemite project. They could do a project, You know, they could do a Yosemite project. They could do a project, you know, in the great Alaskan wilderness. So, you know, I want more of those project movies. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler,

emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Actually, I play Ron Stampler Esquire. Today's dad fact about Ron is a little insight directly from the last time we met Ron and his lawyering shenanigan ways. He's such a good lawyer. So these are a couple of notes from his legal pad from last week. Crack tree through. Greater good roots from Aaron. Okay. Good person? Haiku by

Ron. Haiku by Ron. Ruby car? Do we have ruby car on the podcast? The roots through the person. Oh man, I could go. Yeah. Next week I'm going to do a full-on rupee car poem, and you're all going to hate it. I'm Anthony Burch, I'm your daddy,

and once again, it is my pleasure as my dad to introduce the voice and the brain behind Radicus Finch, your new favorite D&D character. Boo. Jenna Stieber. She's bad. No, he might say, welcome to Jenna Stieber.

Be nice to Jenna. Hey, Jenna. Hi, Jenna. Hi. Hello, everybody. I play Rad to Jenna Stieber. Be nice to Jenna. Hey, Jenna. Hi, Jenna. Hi. Hello, everybody. I play Radicus Finch. And my Radicus Finch parent fact is that the species of mouse person that they are start off when they're born the size of mouse with proportionate bird wings so they can fly. And then as they get older, their bird wings don't grow with them.

And so they have to get law degrees. It's real sad. That's better than any creature in Dungeons & Dragons. It really is. That's so poignant. Do they have to get cream to slough off their wings so that they have babies? Wait, I'm a little confused, though.

Jenna, just to make sure, is Radicus fictional? Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry. You're right. I don't want anybody to get confused. Radicus Finch is 100% nonfiction. Deal with it. Absolutely right. So to summarize last episode, it was the first half of the trial of Glenn Close with Bill Close, his father presiding as judge. Radicus Finch called two of their witnesses, all their witnesses, essentially. You're only going to call two witnesses per side. And right before the defense could call their witnesses, Judge Close ordered for a recess

and sent you all to the Meth Bay Supermax prison because you were in contempt of court. That night, while you were hanging out inside your cell with your big iron boots that keep you magnetized to the ground because the jail is exactly like the one from Face Off. Except not in the middle of the ocean. Right. There's a knock. Could be. Could be.

Sure. Yeah, it is. Now it is. Now it is. It's also in the middle of the ocean. Nice. Just in case you wanted to do a cool escape, it's going to be even more difficult now. Oh, hold on really quick.

What happened to all of our stuff? All of your stuff was taken from you when you went into contempt. It was forced to be removed from you and is now in the pile of civil forfeiture stuff that was at the courthouse oh shit okay all right and we got to get our stuff back but uh somebody came up to the bars uh said they wanted to talk and it turned out to be bill close saying that he was going to break y'all out so henry went up to the bars and bill says hey i need to talk to glenn i need to talk to my kid oh what glenn, your dad's here. He says he's going to break us out. Oh, all right. Keep your voices down. This is

supposed to be a super maximum security facility. So I bet they got like listening devices and stuff. Just everyone keep this under their hats, OK? And I go clonk, clonk, clonk, clonk. In the cell next to you, you hear the voice of what is clearly a bird girl go, what the fuck? I'm trying to sleep.

Fuck you. I'm Danny Peck, and I'm going to fuck your whole life up if you keep making noise. i'm trying to sleep fuck you i'm danny peck and i'm gonna fuck your whole life up if you keep making noise i'm gonna call the guards you better stay quiet so whisper to each other bill goes yeah hey man let's talk and he starts whispering to you and you have a little conversation that freddie and i already recorded the following conversation was recorded in secret with me and Anthony. Bill leans in close to you and he goes, hey, I have something for you. Oh, yeah. What's that, man? He passes you what looks to be a larger than average joint.

Well, hold on now. Average depends very much on the hand of the maker, so to speak, Anthony. Yeah. OK, fair. So imagine somebody who spent a lot of his life getting fucking blazed and knows that his kid does as well. It's a large enough blunt that even Glenn is kind of impressed by its size. Okay. And the second you take it into your hand, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is your anchor.

Whoa. Okay. What are you giving me this for, man? Like, I don't want to keep you trapped here forever, man. Like, that'd be a bummer. Yeah. So here's the thing like in order for me to stay alive to keep the darkness out you know because like i ain't a fan of that i ain't a fan of having nothing when i get to the end so the fatherhood thing is just to keep me going man just to keep me living my best yeah i figured as much to do that we've been trying to get a bunch of these kids and stuff but we really

really need the one and so my thinking was if you can just get us just one of these kids to like want to stay here or to convince the others that it's cool for them to stick around, I'm pretty sure I can just convince them to let you go. I'm pretty sure Willie will let me just be like, hey guys, it's fine. Que sera, sera, you know what I'm saying? So just like any single one of the kids and it's all good? Yeah, I think so. And you're saying you got a pretty good line in to the main dude, the big bad, to use screenwriting terminology. It's one of these classic scenarios. He thinks he's running the show, but your big boy here, Bill, he knows what's

really going on. Like I can make this work. And honestly, once I get the whole immortality, daddy magic, all that stuff like that, who knows? Maybe I can get rid of him, take the empire from myself. Who knows? You know, it could be a cool deal. I could even invite you back sometime later. We can run the Forgotten Realms together. That'd be pretty cool. I don't know. I'm figuring it out as I go.

You know, you gotta be agile. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. I dig it. All right, okay. So he goes, okay, I'm gonna let you guys out. And then he goes to the- Wait, can we try to hear? Hey, Danielle.

Danielle Peck. What? I think she's sleeping. Well, did you hear anything that went on maybe between the guy at the bars and then the guy who was close to the bars? The guys that kind of looked like, I know you've been in here a long time. So I was wondering if you maybe learned to have cool jail ears or something that you can maybe. No, I told them to whisper and they whispered so I could go back to sleep.

And now I'm awake because I'm talking to you. Shut the fuck up. Danielle, you sound like, are you a bird? Yes. I have to ask, do you just have like little tiny metal boots? No, they're big. The same size as ours? I have big feet.

I'm not a small bird. I'm a human size. I'm like a normal. Well, actually humans are bird sized. Fuck you. Racist. Oh no. Problematic ass, loud ass piece of shit don't start beef

you're gonna get beat up sorry go back to sleep i was just i was just going to go back to sleep what's wrong with you you can do whatever you want i'm sorry you said you wanted to go back i know i can you shut the fuck up i gotta say you're rude and you're probably in prison for a reason you don't get to talk shit about me and then call me you're not going to bed at all immediately everybody in all the cells around you wake up and the lights flash on and the guards are like alert alert people are being loud during beddy time and then a bunch of guards come out and bill's like well i can't fucking get you i get fuck i was trying to get you out but i guess i can't do that now everybody's awake you fucking your friends are fucking narcs your friends we just blow it what did you close leaves what so all right so yeah we what happened he gave me my anchor and glenn pulls out and reveals that

he's been given his anchor which is a giant rolled spliff daryl slaps it out of your hand what no wait do that we'll go to prison Oh. Roll dexterity, both of you opposed. 13 plus 3, 16. Oh, yeah. That's a 19 plus 1, a 20. All right. So Daryl successfully knocks it out of your hand. Can I describe how I knock it out since I got a 20?

Yeah, go ahead. I knock it out, and then when it drops, it lands on my foot and I fuck it up and I grab it and I put it back in my ear. It wasn't a natural 20. Fuck you. Fuck you. That's not what you'll get.

That's fucking bullshit, Pele. You slapped it out of his hand and it hits the ground and it fucking breaks open. Like the wrapping just breaks open and all the weed gets scattered or whatever. And immediately, Glenn,

as that happens, you can feel this like magic sort of begin to well up inside you, but you can feel that it's not, there's some sort of spell that it has to complete and it can't complete until you're here with Nick. Well, dang, Daryl, you broke my spliff. I wonder if I could have used that spliff. Look, this is a lot.

We were just talking about Air Force One. And now the judge is showing up, giving you drugs. There's a bird that got mad because I asked her if she had small shoes. I just thought it was a small bird. Was the judge doing this illegal? Like, shouldn't the judge be in trouble? Clearly, the guards must have seen the judge. What the hell's going on?

I got to say, I get the sense that the rules and the laws of this land are a lot like the rules and laws of our land. The people in charge get to do whatever the fuck they want. That's not the America I know, Glenn. Daryl, you should keep your voice down. If you say anything else more problematic about that bird she might tweet about you see that's why I don't get I feel like Henry says things like that and nobody says that's a problem but when like I just had like a normal question I was just making a silly bird joke because that's kind of what I do just to cut that you hear a voice from the next

oh yeah nothing racist about making a joke about a group. That's the least problematic thing you can do. Just make a funny little joke about a group of people. That's totally not y'all fuckers. Every person in that cell is an asshole. This whole time Daryl is trying to re-roll this joint and he's doing it very bad. He does not know how to do it but he is trying to do it. Daryl's accidentally eaten half the joint trying to

lick it. Just got weed in his teeth. Guys, I'm hungry. Guys, guys. He's folding it up kind of like a burrito he's like rolling it and then i'm folding these sides so i'm just gonna hang on to this and then when nick's around you can have it back okay anyway i think the judge is on our side i think we're gonna be a-okay your dad wants to bust us out what's that about what did he say i mean this is just coming from him but he was saying that there might be a deal that we could strike,

but we do need to get out of here first. So is he, I mean, a deal with Willie or a deal to get us out of jail? What does he mean? Like, it sounds like they just need one kid. They just need- So we clone a kid. Payton, where's Payton?

Payton? What's up? Okay. We just always forget Payton. I just- Payton is tattooing stuff onto his knuckles with a sharpie, so he's not really tattooing.

Yeah, he's not tattooing. He's just sharpie-ing them on there. And then one of them says, Pey, and the other one says, Den, and he's got smaller pictures of fists on the remaining letters on his fingers. Okay. For whatever thing they're doing, they just need one kid. Well, we're not going to give them any of our kids. Well, but here's the whole thing.

Hear me out, but hear me out. It's hard to clone four kids kids but what if we cloned one kid i do i don't know that they have cloning coming from if cloning was the solution we could have done this you can't just be like if we had a time machine we could just do a time machine with one kid what are you talking about glenn what's a clone you're right you're right that's silly there has been no time travel antics that have happened at any point during this adventure you're right are you sarcastic right now? What's the cloning?

You said cloning. I just feel like there could be a possibility. I mean, they're moving souls into shells and stuff like Payton over there. So that was basically the deal that he offered. Now, I know my dad well enough to know that he's always trying to pull some other angle on this sort of thing. So I don't necessarily fully trust him. I trust him about as far as the next few days goes but hold on i gotta sneeze go ahead glenn that's fine

you're gonna wake her up oh that's a dad who's sneezing who the fuck is sneezing while i'm trying to sleep we're sorry hey hey bless you hold it in sneeze on your fucking elbow bless you too bless you hey now i'm taking taking umbridge hey some people sneeze louder than other people okay it's not a matter of wanting to be louder trying to so some people just sneeze louder and it also stops these are spreading disease a bunch of disease spreading racists over there just okay so i i don't mean to jump because we should go to sleep so we can go to court i just want to understand you're saying that willie said they need one kid no my dad said your dad said that he could

probably just get away with one of the kids i didn't agree to anything in this video where i don't know what they're doing i don't know what your dad's doing i don't know what any of this is all about all i know is that i got court date tomorrow and i'm not taking my dad's deal because i'm not quite sure what his angle is and once once I figure out his angle, we can consider it. We can. Okay. Well, all right, everyone. We've got a big day in court tomorrow. We still need to figure out what witnesses we're going to call,

but I'm going to think about it while I'm dreaming. Sometimes I get my best ideas when I sleep, and maybe we'll come up with who this next witness should be. We'll find out on the other side. So the next morning, you show up bright and early to the Meth Bay Courthouse. Let's be honest. It's starting at 11 a.m. Are you kidding? You think Bill Close is getting up early for a court date?

That's fair. No, you show up bright and early, and then Bill comes in at 11 a.m., clearly hungover. Braddix is at the prosecution desk. So Bill Close wraps his gavel on the thingy for the gavel and goes, all right. The gavel thingy, yeah. The gavel thingy. What is it called? It's the little gavel coaster, right? It's like the little coaster. It's called the gavel coaster goes, all right, the gavel thingy. Yeah, the gavel thing. What is it called? It's the little gavel coaster,

right? It's like the little gavel coaster. That's right. So he goes, okay, so school's back. Nope,

that's not right. Court is back in session. School's back in session. Principal cool. School's back. I said it again. Court is back in session. So defense,

it's your witness. You have two witnesses. Hi, sir. I'm raising my hand. Yeah, well, you, the narc. Oh oh okay um can we call a mistrial uh yeah go ahead go for it uh yeah hey everybody uh this judge tried to break us out and gave us drugs in prison i feel like that's a pretty good reason for a mistrial radicus it seems like you're pretty like fair you believe in the law i

feel like this would upset you as well right this is not the way things are supposed to run yeah i think radicus kind of shrugs because they know bill close because they have to have bill as a judge a lot so it's sort of like you know it's a living it's a living it's a living your honor if that's a mistrial uh let me introduce you to myself mr trial i'm ready to go to court today and argue for my client we are on the defense errol slaps around the back and is like so pumped at that pivot and turn a phrase ron you're gonna kill it you're gonna kill it today uh hopefully not because i don't want to end up back in jail so you do or do not wish to call for a mistrial well i mean i think it's pretty clear that nobody

here seems to give a part of my friendship crap so like you know whatever i just told you what happened and this you didn't flinch yeah no prove it go ahead and prove it right now oh whoops you can't all right so no mistrial so yeah go ahead and call your first witness okay one second like to confer with my legal team okay so here's what i want to do guys i want to get put up on the stand and i look a little bit tired because i've been teaching payden a series of hand signals all night which can communicate a series of words to him this is a bard spell which is an at will cantrip called message okay the text is i point a finger towards a creature within range and whisper a message the target and only the target hears the message and they can reply in a whisper that only I can hear.

So I'm going to morph this spell into, I taught Peyton the secret series of hand signals the close families pass down to communicate with each other. It's like finger tutting? Yeah, yeah. Hidden in disguise in finger tutting is in fact a secret cipher that the close family has used wait don't say the close family because then clearly your dad would know he can see it no but he's like he's over there and like not looking you know i mean he's gonna be you think he's not gonna be looking at you when you're on the stand i'm gonna like block it you know i'm saying like i'm gonna lean over and my body will block it you know i'm saying like it's like you'll just look like you're

like what tickling your belly like yeah it could be could be farcee knows could be anything doesn't matter because he doesn't see the communication anything you're right what message is it when you ball up your fist and then stick each of your fingers in it individually that's the message of these fingers are parched thirsty fingies here's my point here's my point here's my point i think payton should be a lawyer but we're using this secret hand signal methodology i can communicate to him all the questions that i want him to ask me so you just want to do it all by yourself like ron and i were having a bunch of fun being all your lawyers well no i want you guys to do that too but then payton can fill in the gap so that i can participate in my own anything that you don't cover that he wanted to cover, he can just put it in a library.

Well, I guess that makes sense. I don't know what we could cover. Hey, Glenn, we can't change what's happened. Two things. One, I would prefer you not spending all night talking to Payden without me hearing what you're telling him. No offense. I know that kind of points to why you're on trial here in the first place. I finger-taught what a narc to Peyton.

And number two, I definitely feel like you could have taught. I should have raised him better. You definitely could have taught Henry or Ron, your lawyers, this. It probably would have been more useful. But again, the play's already been called. It is what it is. Your fingers aren't moist enough. Me and this boy, my fingers are constantly moist.

Okay, Peyton. All right. Well, Peyton, I'm sure you're going to do a great job as a lawyer. You got your third chair now, buddy. uh i can sit back i'll be fourth chair perfect fourth quarter daryl that's what i'm known for number one that's what i talk about the shape of my case okay so i thought about it last night and i made some notes here so they're getting me for being a bad person by saying that i let aaron die in that fight again i think our defense there is that was a fight and

I did what I had to do and we all survived the fight and we defeated a great evil upon this land. So, you know, net good. Harrelson, which I have a counter to that, that we didn't get to last time. Linkin Park DJ, self-explanatory. And then also that I killed a squirrel. The squirrel was rabid clearly and it was in self-defense. And then their points for me being a bad dad to Nick was that I allowed him to hotwire a car, whatever. We were trying points for me being a bad dad to Nick was that I allowed him to hotwire a car, whatever. We were trying to get out there with our lives. Nick smoking pot, whatever. Like I smoked pot when I was a kid too. Buying a drone for Christmas, whatever. I bought my dad gifts all the time. That's a common thing that Americans do. And also not taking Disneyland.

You can't just yank a kid out of school to take him to Disneyland. Education's important. So yeah, this is great. This is fantastic. Bring up all those things like on ironclad defenses. What do you guys think we should cover? I want to like, what's a positive case we can make for you, Glenn, as a father? You know, like I want to ask him on this day, like, do you love your son? You know? Yeah. What's the nicest thing you've done for Nick? Oh yeah. Yeah. He wanted to go get like a massage chair from, you know, the sharper image stores. He was coming to see one of my gigs and they have these massage chairs. And I was like, yeah.

So we got matching massage chairs. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, we can work with that. Work with that. Yeah. Here's an easy one.

He got in trouble at school once. I bailed him out. No problem. In the principal's office, I acted like, oh, hey, you can't do all that. And then afterwards, I was like, nah, it's all good. And we played hooky the rest of the day. Well, I think we could, we could, we you can't do all that. And then afterwards, I was like, nah, it's all good. And we played hooky the rest of the day. Well, I think we could we could we could clear that one. Is anything like like like emotionally like, you know, with your son, like, you know, he had a really tough time and you helped him through it. You know,

he was really sad and you cheered him up like that kind of thing. Yeah. I mean, he's a teenager and teenagers go through like moody periods. And, you know, I feel like I've always been there for him and I've always managed to turn the mood around. And I don't understand where all this bad dad stuff came from. How can I be a bad dad? Are you guys ready or not? Okay. Yeah, I think we're fine.

Come on. Let's go. Let's do it. Yeah, Your Honor. Yeah, okay. Radicus would like to update the court that they have now seen Air Force One. Thank you, Evan Essence, for lending me your copy.

I'm now prepared to make any arguments in metaphor in reference to that movie. That's why Radicus is the best, ladies and gentlemen, non-binaries. What did I tell you? What did I tell you? You guys are going to lose. Anyway, go ahead. Who are you calling? We call Glenn Close to the stand. Phil goes, alright, Glenn Close. And he slams the gavel down.

A wave of purple energy comes out. Oh, you know what it is? And then when Glenn Close comes back, he's suddenly holding a copy of Highlights for Children because that was in the waiting room. And he's like, I swear to God, people find all the things already in these image searches. It's bullshit, man. Who's doing that?

Who's even got a pen? Sorry, Glenn. It was a long week. Have you seen what Goofus did? Oh, my God. That's the best. That's the best of them. It's Goofus, kid, man.

He's one cool customer. Please state your name for the court. Nice start, Henry. You're doing great. It's me, Glenn Close. You may have heard of me from my band, the Glenn Close Trio, or some of my other side projects.

Mr. Close, we'd like to start today by addressing some of the accusations leveled against you by the opposing counsel. Oh, hell yeah. I'm sorry, this is not an outright objection, but I would like to make sure that we swear in Glenn Close. Oh, yes. So that he is liable for any perjure that he is sure to commit.

Objection! You can't just say that he's going to lie. You don't know that. Glenn holds his hand up. Who's going to smack it? And I high five, yeah. And then right before you can, I'm going to roll dexterity to do the thing where I run my hands

through my hair and go, ooh. Glenn, what are you doing? Don't do that. 17 plus three, 20. All right, do you want to roll opposed dexterity, Will? Okay. Ron does the same thing.

The hair thing, too. He's like, yeah, there's a special attorney client sign-in privilege there. Henry is just left hanging with his hand in the air and he's like, I don't understand. Why did you do that?

I don't, okay. Anyway, Glenn looks around. It's a long, uncomfortable silence and he reads the room. He's like, all right, all right.

And he taps your hand begrudgingly. Thank you, Mr. Close. I was definitely going to at the very end of your testimony, if you hadn't done that, be like, okay, and none of that is entered into evidence.

I was full on going to do that. All right. Mr. Close, let me direct your attention to our encounter with the library. Can you tell us in your own words about what happened when you saw Aaron O'Neill get knocked out.

Yeah, we were in a big old fight, life and death on the line, and I made the move to get rid of the threat in front of us, knowing full well that there's a member in my party who can heal people and bring them back to life better than I can. And that my use was better spent distracting the library to win the fight. So you were thinking of the benefit of the greater good, you would say. Yeah, obviously the greater good. The greater good. And I turn to the jury and I say, good. And then I point to my head, like, remember that jury.

Moving right along. Wait, I want to talk about, like, remember that jury. Moving right along. Wait, I want to talk about the library. Can we take just for a second? Who were we fighting there? We were fighting the library, an interdimensional monster that lends books to people and takes their skin. Is that not right? That's what we were fighting. Yes, it's true because I'm saying it. That's a good point. How did that fight go? We won that fight, as we do all of our fights. We won that fight, and would you say that we purged this land of a great and terrifying evil? Objection. That calls for speculation. The library is in good standing with this court, or was while it was alive. It's eight children. Interesting. Legally sustained do you think glenn that a court which is in good

standing with an eldritch child eating monster should be capable of judging what the goodness and badness of a separate person do you think that the objection the court is not on trial here with oh he did it he fucking did the move let us now bring your attention to a separate incident. This would be our encounter with the water mice. Dad, is there like a rules lawyer that we can call in? A rules, and as he begins to say rules lawyer, you hear from behind you at the defense table, well, actually, I'm not a lawyer,

but I can clarify some rules for you. Under a fedora that is being tipped so hard it is vibrating past the spectrum of visible light, you see, well, Ashley has been watching the whole proceed from the court. I've never been so relieved that Radicus is gender neutral

and therefore cannot be m'lady'd. I'm a person. I mean, that doesn't stop most fucking men, yeah. It's true. Well, actually, I charmed that person. Can you read for me the text of what that spell is? Entered into evidence, your honor. One book, The Dungeon Master's Guide by Gary Gygax.

Bill goes, yeah, okay, let's hear it. Well, actually, well, actually, it goes, charm person, casting time, one action, range 30 feet, components VS. These guys do not use components at all. Duration one hour. You attempt to charm a humanoid you can see within range. It must make a wisdom saving throw and does so with advantage if you or your companions are fighting it.

If it fails the saving throw, it is charmed by you until the spell ends or until you or your companions do anything harmful to it. The charmed creature regards you as a friendly acquaintance. When the spell ends, the creature knows it was charmed by you. The spell did not end at any point. Therefore, we did not do anything harmful to that dude. I don't care if he's throwing up, whatever he says. He clearly was into it. The spell continued to go and function. He wasn't harmed.

No harm, no foul. I can't believe your sloppy-ass approach to spells is coming back to bite me in the ass. If the spell is charm, he does no harm. No, that's what I'm talking about. I go for a high five. I go for a high five. Henry high fives the shit out of Glenn

harder than he's ever high-fived someone in his life. I go for a high five. Henry high fives the shit out of Glenn harder than he's ever high fived someone in his life. Now Glenn is double sworn in. No further questions from me, Your Honor, but I would like to bring in my co-counsel, Mr. Stampler. Hi. Hey, Ron. Hey, oh, yes. Proceeding on the grounds that our client is a good person.

And I look at the jury and then I do the thing that Henry did, pointing to his head, indicating the word good or whatever. Glenn, do you remember giving me, Ron Stampler, a compliment once that said that I was a cool dude? Yeah, I think you are a cool dude, Ron. Has anybody ever given you a compliment before? Plenty of people, especially in the

Yelp reviews for my band. Oh, that's so interesting. Do you believe that you have good judgment? I think my judgment's pretty darn great. And then do you believe that people who give compliments are good people? I think they're pretty cool and pretty good. Well, therefore, Your Honor, according to my client and his objectively good judgment, he is a good person. Dang. Never thought of it that way before. I genuinely don't know how to object to what you've just said. That's right. That's right.

You don't. You don't, Radicus. You don't know how to object. Good job, Ron. There's no objection here. Hey, guys, can I ask Glenn a question? Sure, yeah. Sure, we've got this thing in the back, I think.

Yeah, you guys crushed it. This is Daryl Wilson, I guess fourth chair now. Peyton is over there as third chair. Hey, Glenn. Yeah. So you and me, we both spent a week in the waiting room, and you informed me that, like myself, you were reading a certain magazine. What magazine was that?

Oh, that would be Highlights for Children. Highlights for Children. Interesting. Were there any other magazines there that you could have been reading? There was an old golf magazine, but it seemed out of date. Now, if I remember correctly, Highlights for Children, their main mission statement is helping children become their best selves through publishing content and creating experiences that engage, delight, and foster joyful learning. So, like myself i believe that you had a week to prepare for this round what did you do you read a magazine

specifically designed to help children which you yourself have that seems like the instinct of somebody that like myself is interested in being a good parent well and also they got these like image searches that sounds a lot like somebody that's interested in being a good parent. And I believe what you were about to say was they have a good segment called Daditudes where they talk about good things you can do as a dad. Now, is that correct? Is that what you were about to say? Objection clearly leading the witness. I'm sorry. Sustained.

Withdrawn. Withdrawn. Henry just yells withdrawn from across the room. But I would like to put into evidence all issues of Highlights Children's Magazine that you have in your waiting room so that the jury themselves can see the good quality information that that

magazine has that Glenn was clearly reading during the week while he prepped for this case. Thank you very much. Matt, since you're the piece of shit that introduced this, if you can find me a PDF of a full issue of Highlights Magazine, I will send that to the jurors discord and they can review it. OK, I'm going to find I have the website. Are they still publishing highlights?

Oh, yeah. They had a whole thing about how to be a good parent during the pandemic and all sorts of stuff. The moment you say you're reading highlights, I was like, yes. We have one more line of questioning concerning your son, Nicholas. It is Nicholas, correct? The longest version of it? Or is Terry Jr. your kid? I can't remember which one is your kid. Answer the question, Glenn.

No, my kid's Nick. Nick Close. That's right. He looks more like you than Terry does. Okay, about your son, Nick. You've been asked about certain Christmas-related requests, including a drone. Yeah. Do you buy gifts for Nick? Yeah, all the time.

Anything that he wants. This is like a close family tradition. A close family tradition, you would say. So does that mean you've bought gifts for your father? Well, yeah. Around the holiday season every year, we had this move where he'd dress up as one of those Salvation Army mall Santas. And I'd be standing next to him in like an elf outfit playing electric guitar solos over Christmas music backing tracks. And, you know, whatever we were able to pull from that, we'd split 50-50 and like buy each other gifts with.

Where the close family is kind of a real gift-giving family. Would you say that your father is a good father, Glenn? I think he's all right. Definitely not the worst. He's been pretty cool my whole life. Bill nods. He's like, I'll take that. I'll take that.

Yeah. So you, and then in your estimation, would you say that you've seen your father, a good father, as a role model for your behavior with your son? Yeah. I mean, look at how cool I turned out. Bill leans over like way too far over the judges thing and like goes for a high five.

High five. High five, son. I give him the high five. Fuck goes for a high five high five high five son i give him the high five fuck yeah fuck yeah do you love your son yeah i love nick would you do anything to keep your son safe absolutely would you die for your son yeah not only would i die for him he would die for me we would die for each other that's how deep our love and our bond goes uh we will we have no more questions for this witness okay let's do you guys you guys have anything i would like to bring into evidence a copy of the Merriam-Webster's Dictionary. Freddy, if you could go to Google and type in close adjective dictionary.

Got it. dictionary. Got it. Mr. Close, could you read number two in that adjective definition of the word close? Yeah. Denoting a family member who is part of a person's immediate family, typically a parent or sibling. Would you say that you have a close relationship with your son, Nick? Oh, hell yeah. And Mr. Close, what is your last name? Uh, Close. Oh, no further questions. I'm really proud of this whole team. Bill hears you say this like,

are you sure? I hand signal to Payden to be like, ask me if I killed the squirrel in self-defense. Just one more question, if you please, Your Honor, before we go to cross, if I may. And he steps out from the defense bench. He has robes that are way too long. Well, I was thinking that he was wearing like a suit, but only the top because he didn't expect he was going to have to stand up. So he's just wearing like, he's got like a suit jacket and a shirt and a tie, but just like jorts.

He goes, Glenn, Glenn German, if that's your real name, could you remind me the context under which you fought that squirrel that was recently entered into evidence? Oh, yeah, that squirrel tried to kill me, so I killed it first. Self-defense. QED. I have nothing further, Your Honor. Bill goes, all right, time for cross. Radicus, it is your witness.

Glenn crosses his arms and puts his feet up even higher. Wow. What a cool guy. Thank you. Sustained. I think we can all agree. Sustained. Glenn Close is a cool guy.

Unfortunately, I'm now going to enter that into evidence for the defense as an argument. That's fair. I mean, we're not arguing today whether or not Glenn is a cool guy. Clearly, if we were, I would lose. But what we are arguing today is if he's a good person and a good father. You claim that you knew there was another member of your party who could bring Aaron back to life. Somebody who is better than healing at you. I believe that there was people on your team who were better at healing. They weren't near Aaron, of course, when she fell.

You were. Uh-huh. Who on your team could bring Aaron back to life? Uh, the tree man, Henry. Your Honor, motion to make my official nickname tree man. Yeah, sustained, yeah. All right. But no, I can't bring people back to life.

I feel like I gotta be honest about that. What? What? I appreciate your honesty honest about that. What? What? I appreciate your honesty, tree man. What? You're not on your oath even. You could have lied. What do you mean?

You can't bring people back. You've done all kinds of crazy. Well, I can now. I just learned how to do that a little bit, but I couldn't back then, man. I'm sorry. I just want to make that clear. Well, I was acting under the assumption that you could. Nice.

You say you like to buy presents for your son, exchange presents as part of your ways that you express love for your son. The Amazon wishlist. Oh, excellent. So do you ever buy him things that aren't from Amazon? Well, yeah, sometimes Amazon doesn't have what I'm looking for, if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. Can you clarify? Well, certain things aren't on Amazon, despite me having a Prime subscription. And sometimes even, despite me having a Prime subscription. And sometimes even if you do have a Prime subscription, sometimes the things that you want take too long to ship. So sometimes it's just faster to just go to like a local like head shop and pick it up there.

That makes perfect sense. Can you clarify? Sorry, I'm not. Can I lean into painted? What's up, daddy? Hey, finger tight. Tell him to say anything other than drugs. Do not let him talk about giving Nick drugs. All right, I'll do my best. What does one purchase at a head shop? Anything other than drugs.

Objection. Isn't the answer obvious, your honor? Overruled. Ron is 100% correct that it is clearly obvious. It's heads. You buy heads there. Ron is 100% correct that it is clearly obvious to everybody in the court. You buy a headstick. I rescind my own comment, withdrawn. One purchases marijuana and marijuana-related goods at a head shop, correct?

Objection. To what? On what grounds? We all knew that already. Badgering the witness. Why is she reminding? I'm afraid you're going to have to answer that that question so you buy things at a head shop yeah you can buy all kinds of cool stuff at the head shop you can get beverages you can get drinks you can get like like gum candies no you can't actually get heads actually objection are you

objecting to your own client no objection I feel like the lawyers have to know what is being said and uh hi Daryl does not know what head shop is i'm confused ron's saying it sells heads and you're saying it sells drugs what's the head shop feels like well actually is here to answer this one well then i have to google it just like it well head shops just like where you buy bongs and shit right like that's yeah yeah it's such a bunch of fucking dorks all right so well actually again tips is fedora. It says a head shop is a retail outlet specializing in paraphernalia

used for the consumption of cannabis and tobacco and items related to cannabis culture and related countercultures. Some head shops, to be fair, also sell oddities such as antique walking sticks and sex toys. What a selection. Well, there you have it, Your Honor.

That did not go well for us, him reading that into evidence, Daryl. I sit back down. Antique walking sticks? That's what Google says. Antique sex toys. I feel like you're missing out if you're not buying an antique walking stick. I learned that Pier 1 Imports is a head shop.

Well, actually, I mean, sorry, not well, actually, but well, anyways. Somebody in the back of the court goes, yeah. Judge, can I get a ruling on my objection, please? Yeah, overruled. Okay, I sit down. The thing is that if paraphernalia is brought at these head shops, then there is no illegal drugs being purchased at said head shops. Therefore,

there's a... he's good a person. You're right. Glenn, have you ever bought your son weed? Let me think about this. No. No, I have not. Does your son know how to smoke weed? Yeah, he does.

How did he learn learn do you think oh I mean like there's a lot of great YouTube videos out there some of those guys on YouTube even better than I am actually honestly all kinds of tricks you've seen these tricks I can't go and kind of play to the room you've seen these vape tricks they're kind of hitting their their neck and there's all the things that come out that's crazy are you good at smoking weed I think I'm above average. Oh, that's very impressive. How did you get so good? I learned from the best

and I hold a high five out for Bill Close. Bill's already got his hand out. When you turn, his hand is already out. He's stretching as hard as he can. It's like in fucking Haikyuu when the set is already there for fucking the minute I'm talking about. For those Haikyuu fans

will know exactly what I'm talking about. Haikyuu fans know. There's an entire sort of storyline about how the main character is just like good at jumping and spiking and without even looking, the set is already there for him. That's exactly what happened here in this courtroom today. Haikyuu is submitted into evidence. What are some other ways that you express your love for your son? Oh, man. Let's see here. A game with him. We're to call a duty clan together. I would consider that child abuse, but that's fine.

Objection. Sustained. Sustained. Have you taught your son to play guitar? Oh, yes. But he kind of wanted to play other instruments, though. Have you taught your son to roll a blunt? Yes, I have.

He got really good at it. Under your tutelage, I'm sure. Have you taught him how to smoke so that he can do it and not look like super lame in front of other kids? Now, he already had that. No, he already had that. Interesting. This is killing us. I'm just like, Peyton, tell him to stop doing this.

Tell him to just, you know. I don't know. It sounds like he's making a great case for being proud of his son. And yeah, I think you're doing a good job, Glenn. I have a couple of questions. Very quietly, Ron said, I think you're doing a good job. And Glenn is like, oh, thanks, Ron. You know, I think I had a couple more things that I would have asked.

But I hopefully I think you're doing great. I think we got a chance here. How does your son know how to hotwire a car? Well, you know, I feel like there's a number of skills that every growing boy should learn. How to change a tire in the rain. How to fix your electronics by Googling stuff. And also how to hotwire a range of automobiles in case you're ever in a scrape and you got to get out of it. Sure, that makes perfect sense.

What other skills do you think are extremely important for a youth to know? Oh yeah. Like how to take a punch. You know, like that's huge for sure. That actually came in handy, didn't it? For your son when you put him up in that child fight, right? Well, no, actually, because that child fight, if I recall, we made it so that, arranged it, if you will, with my fourth chair over there to throw that fight. Fixed it, baby. Fixed the fight.

The fix was in. Payton, Payton. No, that's probably not a good thing. Shit. Wait, actually that might be better than him not fixing the fight though, right? That's true, that's true. Keep going, Payton. The fix was in. Excellent. It's clear that you've

set your son up for a certain kind of life and to succeed at a certain kind of life. Yeah, I've taught him from the school of hard knocks. Normally people learn that from a bad source. Huh? No, but I'm good. Okay. Okay. Sure. You said when you were on the stand earlier that your son would die for you. You know, I don't actually know that. I feel like we have that kind of rapport, though.

You know what I mean? I see. So it's a metaphor. Not literally you would die for him and he would die for you. No, I would die for Nick. Nick is a cool dude. And I think that that bond is what keeps us the most powerful father-son duo in the game. Well, that's beautiful.

The kid's like, what the fuck did you just say? It's okay, Payne. The kid's standing up and you can see his shorts. Then you make him sit right down. So what you're saying is you don't feel even a little bit of remorse for any of the crimes that I levied against you in my round of witnesses. Objection. We have not sustained.

I don't know how to say this. They're not crimes yet. She can't say for crimes. He hasn't been indicted. Counsel will have to rephrase. Fair. I don't know how to say this uh they're not crimes yet that she can't say for crimes he hasn't been indicted council have to rephrase fair i don't see them as crimes that's you're right i withdraw wait sorry it's mine now i have it well let me just ask this broadly do you feel any remorse for any of the activities that were listed. I don't think even though we fixed that fight, I got the money from fixing that fight. I think we walked out of there and I got ripped off by that bully wugs.

We should go have a word with the bully wugs. Hey guys, we gotta go back to that bully wugs. They owe us. The thing that you're most upset about after putting your son up in a child fight is that you didn't get the money that you bet on him. I would phrase it differently. I would phrase it differently. I would phrase it as the group venture that we engaged in was not fruitful, despite both

of us doing, no, sorry, all three of us, kind of wink over at Peyton, doing our jobs to the height of our abilities. I don't think I have any more questions for this witness. Thought not. Evanescence raises a finger and Evan says, I have something, if I may. Please. Evanescence hops off of his chair and he goes, you mentioned that when you charmed that person, you could know for certainty that you would never harmed him because the charm spell had not worn off, correct?

You have to ask, well, actually, I'm not a rules lawyer. Well, actually, is that what you said? Yeah, that's what I said. Thank you, well, actually. I can't give that to Anthony. What was the last thing you did to that guard that you charmed? What did I do? I honestly don't remember. I will remind you. Okay. Yeah. Hit me. According to the transcript, you ordered him back into the warehouse, correct? I disagree with that character. I don't order anybody to do anything. I kind of just lay out to go back into the

warehouse. You suggested that he go back to the warehouse. Sure. Why not? If that is the case, go back into the warehouse. You suggested that he go back to the warehouse. Sure. Why not? If that is the case, then the second he went inside the warehouse, he was confused by the drugs that were inside. He was potentially vomiting and he had amnesia. Would you say that somebody in those circumstances could be aware that they had been harmed? Having been in that circumstance myself? Yes, I think you can. So let's say he did get harmed. He did not come back outside. Is that your evidence that he was not harmed? I'm just the witness here. Is that your evidence that he was not harmed? I'm just the witness here.

I don't know what you're talking about. What is it? Okay, so how can you prove to me that he was not harmed? That's kind of your job. After you sent him into the warehouse. Good point. I'll rephrase. If you want to call him up, you can go ahead.

Would you argue that if someone went into a room where they immediately gained amnesia, started vomiting and started floating, that that would be harm? I call that a good time. You don't agree that that is harm? I'd say, where's that room? And point me to it.

Sounds like a pretty rock and mosh pit. Evanescence just flicks a hand up and goes, no more questions. And goes back to the... I know, right? This guy's just like, what do you even do with him? My goodness. Oh my God. I think we're doing really well.

Objection. Can the jury strike that? They're commenting on our... It's not even really stonewalling. It's more like a jelly wall where you just like hit it. Like some stuff gets through it. He just takes it and gives it back to you worse than you gave it. It's slimy and comes back.

Hello. I would like to redirect. Yeah, go ahead. Redirect. Redirect to ask a few more questions to this witness. All right. Who are your parents? Well, that'd be Bill over there.

My mom's name was Christine. And do you think that your parents were good parents? I mean, look, I think everybody tries their best, and I think they did a pretty good job. So you think that they tried? Yeah. Could you list three things that they taught you? I would say that my dad, Bill, instilled in me a love of music. You know, because he was a roadie with a lot of these bands.

And whenever he was around, he'd be around during Christmas time. We would do this move where he would dress. Could you do it faster? Could you list the things they taught you faster? He instilled with me a love of music, the value of a good repeatable grift. He also taught me maybe the most important lesson, which is you can't harsh anyone else's vibe. What did your mom teach you? My parents were separated pretty early on and I spent a lot of time with my mom and I guess she taught me, you know, rules and boundaries. And, you know, my dad taught me that rules and boundaries

are meant to be broken. If I were to sum up my childhood. Okay, that sounds pretty conflict ridden. Moving on. How old was your son, Nick, when your wife died? I mean, it was some years back. He was seven years old. Was your wife, Morgan, in your opinion, a good mom, a good parent?

Yeah, I think of the both of us, she would have been the much better parent. So in effect, your honor and the jury, and I look around, you're trying to be good enough for two parents when you never really had two parents yourself. Wouldn't it make sense then that there could be some lacking in parental skill, but still good effort and parenting? Good fathering, but not good results. I will answer this question. I think that it is possible that maybe Glenn was trying to make up for this other half of himself that would have made a much better parent. And so in doing that, at least he is trying to be a good parent. That's it. And trying is all of the battle.

What's the thing they say in G.I. Joe? I stand up. I go exactly what Ron said. Look at this guy. His role model, his dad is here as a judge accusing him of being a bad dad. And yet, despite all that, Nick's safe. Nick is alive in this crazy world. And Glenn's done this all on his own.

He's made some mistakes. But compared to this asshole judge up here, who's responsible for making Glenn's contempt. You know what you're doing? Daryl, Daryl, sit down, sit down. Even Glenn's like, whoa, whoa, hey, come on now. That's my pops. Objection to myself. Yeah.

Sustained. Yeah. No, I mean, I was going to object that this case is even still going because it's so obvious. For what it's worth, also, it wasn't my idea to bring up charges for my kid. FYI. Yeah, that's generally not how the courts work. It's usually not a personal vendetta on the judge's part. The judge themselves get to decide who goes in.

Willie had me do it. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that this court had any rules considering the first five minutes we experienced in here. Objection. Sorry, I didn't know. What was going on? It was Willie's idea to bring up charges on you, so I did it. So, anyway. Is that all the questions you have left for my boy? Uh, is it?

I think so. I have one remaining question for Glenn. We'll allow it. Thank you. Glenn, do you think Morgan would approve of the way that you are raising your son? Objection. Speculation. Objection. Too sad.

This is maybe the one thing that actually has made Glenn kind of deep into himself. Think for a second and kind of not answer. He has not answered this. And he sort of is just sort of staring off into the distance here, reminiscing. I won a moral-backed victory. Second objection, just cheap shot. Wow, rude. I'll give you a cheap shot.

No further questions. Witnesses dismissed. And he slams the gavel down again. And Glenn again goes through the portal for a week and it goes back to the fucking table here's another copy of highlights for children like this one too man this fucking bullshit okay guys that went i think pretty well for us it seems like the only thing left to establish is that nick is happy and likes glenn and i feel like if we can do that we can all go home right this feels like the easiest adventure yet this feels like no problem henry don't say that every time you say that the opposite happens i don't think i've ever Like, if we can do that, we can all go home, right? This feels like the easiest adventure yet. This feels like no problem.

Henry, don't say that. Every time you say that, the opposite happens. I don't think I've ever said that. I don't think that can be proven in this court or any. Ah, great. Now he's turned into a legal beagle. Don't make me charge you, Henry. Objection.

I don't like it about my dad's fight. Sustained. All I was going to say is, you know, how do we know if we bring Nick into the court? Like, are they going to steal Nick? That's my only worry here. Can we maybe get like a sworn affidavit that, you know, they're not going to steal Nick or something we can secure, you know, with Nick to make sure that doesn't happen? Is there some way to do that? You guys think we like to bring the attention to the court that we're concerned about bringing a certain witness because somebody of the court, mainly the judge, the good judge, the highest authority,

you're honored, you know, no shade thrown to you. Just we believe that somebody of this court will try to steal our witness as has been threatened multiple times. Oh, you think I'm going to steal Nick again? Yeah. I mean, you've said you want to. OK, yeah. No, you got me there. I have experienced a certain thing called a blood pact. I think you should do a blood pact saying that you will not steal Nick or allow any harm to come to Nick or in any way take Nick away from Glenn while we are in this court or any point thereafter. Well, we'll come up with like the exact legal language to make sure there's no shenanigans, because let's be honest. You're the lawyer. You're the one who has to come up with the legal language. Yeah, we'll come up. I'm saying we'll come up with it, but we'll do a blood pact. I think I can do a blood pact. So here's the blood pact.

While court is in session, I will do nothing to Nick verbally, physically, kidnappingly that Nick or the dads being you guys do not consent to for the duration of the trial. And you may not do it, but you can't be part of the conspiracy. Nor by inaction may I allow that to happen, nor can I by conspiracy or allyship or anything like that allow that to happen. Okay, as long as Will actually notarizes it, I'm fine with that. Great. So Bill reaches out his hand, slices it with a knife.

One of you is going to have to shake hands with him. I'll shake hands on that. I've already done this. I don't want to do it. Oh, wait, I'll do it, and then I'm going to do the thingy where you, like, I'll do it. And then I'm going to do the thingy where you like brush your hair back. Okay, so I just go for your hand. You brush your hair back.

Oh, good one. I like that Ron slices his hand open first and then does it. It just winds up with a blood streak in your hair. That'd be so badass. Also, like, I feel like I'm pretty sure the Ron that I play in my head is bald. And I think the idea of him having like a red stripe sort of down the middle. It's like Braveheart. Like Wilson from fucking Castaway.

So he goes, all right, Glenn, give me your hand. Let's do this. All right, let's do it. All right. Cuts you open. You both bleed onto a piece of parchment. Will actually looks it over. He says, this looks well tight, actually.

Well tight. No, this looks pretty watertight, actually. Actually, the phrase is watertight, well actually. He starts to vibrate. His whole body just starts to tremble. Explodes. You killed him. Damn.

He explodes like the T-1000, but the hat is left. And then like the T-1000, he reforms under that. Oh, my God. So he stamps it with a Watchmen smiley face stand. I'm dead. And then hands it to Glenn. The defense calls Nick Close to the stand. He slams his gavel down, wave of purple.

And Nick Close comes yelling as he gets pulled in to the courtroom. The doors fly open. Your son is like, this is awesome. And then he sits down in the witness chair. Now look at this happy kid. Hey, Nick, you look like a happy kid. That's all. Bye. Wait, why am I saying bye?'m nervous no just kidding what is he doing further nick immediately puts his feet up he goes hey dad what's up hey how's it going sorry about no uh highlights for children in the waiting room over there i took them all don't

worry they were all filled out i wouldn't want to read highlights for children anyway i want to read highlights for adults. No, yeah. Nick, hi, it's me, Henry Oak. I'm friends with your dad. Yeah, hey, Nick, this guy's cool. Friends seems like a stretch, but yeah, I know you. Fair enough. So do you swear to be a cool guy and tell the truth and all that?

And I hold my hand up for a high five. Always. I high five him. I say, great. Nick, can you tell us a little bit about your dad? Yeah, my dad's awesome. Nice. He's the coolest. Those are the first two things you need to know about him.

The third, he's dope. Fourth, he's my dad. So I came from him. He's a musician. He's taking care of me all on his own. You know, loves Disneyland. Great. Is that something that you guys do as you go to Disneyland together?

Sometimes, yeah, yeah. Would you say you and your dad have a good relationship? Oh, oh, the best. Everybody at school, they say, oh, we wish our dad was as cool as yours. We wish we were as tight as you are with your tight dad. And I'm like, yeah,

tight dad, I agree. I didn't know they said that. All right. France has said that multiple times. I want to get your head too big, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I feel you.

Would you say that you love your dad? For sure. And do you think that your dad loves you? Yeah. Are you a happy kid for the most part?

Um... And do you think that your dad loves you? Yeah. Are you a happy kid for the most part? How happy? What are we talking about? Moving on to the next question. Would you say that? I would like to remind the court that it is not cool to be happy. In this economy. Moving on to the next question. Your dad buys you fun gifts, right?

Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that make you happy when you get those gifts? I mean, he doesn't love giving a gift, yeah. Okay, so that seems cool. And would you say that your dad is there for you when things are tough, like when you're feeling sad, like when you're down in the dumps?

A lot of the time, yeah. I mean, sometimes he's on tour, you know, so. So you feel like he's, you know, for the really tough stuff, though, he's there for you. Yeah, when he's there, he's there, as I say. You know, he's present for me. We hang out, you know, I feel bad. I come home crying. He's like, hey, man, you want to watch Face Off?

I'm like, do I ever not want to watch Face Off? And so we watch Face Off. This is going really well, Henry. Yeah, thanks, Ron. So your dad cheers you up when you're sad. He supports you. He provides for you. So you would say that he's a good father. Yeah, he's my best friend. And he's doing that all on his own, right? I can't imagine how tough it was for you two when you lost your mom. Is that something that you feel like he's been able to

take over and like he's been able to help you through all those feelings around that? I don't really have any feelings about it. I was young. It's not a big deal. In the words of Dominic Toretto, I live my life a quarter mile at a time and I do that with the road ahead of me not the road behind me. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. And Henry is going to now roll a bluff check to see if people can tell that he

doesn't know who Dom Toretto is because he does not know. So Henry got a seven so he's like, yeah, for sure. It's the protagonist of the Fast and Furious. Yeah, I look, I'm like, you don't watch Fast and Furious? I was going to make a Dom DeLuise joke. Yeah, I've watched Cannonball Run, like the zany car movie with Dom Toretto. Henry, just clarify, no bad feelings though, right?

Just clarify that. You don't have any bad feelings about your dad or, you know, right? No, no. I got nothing, nothing bad about dad. Ha ha. Okay. So we've established that you love your dad. Your dad loves you.

He supports you. You're happy most of the time and you don't feel sad about your mom. Uh, okay. That's it for me guys. Uh, I give the floor to my co-counsels. Uh, Nick, do you think that your dad should be allowed to not be killed or put in labor for the rest of his life or whatever the punishment was going to be for this if he was guilty? Good one, Ron. Yeah, that's good.

Which he's not? My take on it is you can't punish a guy for a crime he doesn't get caught doing. And if there's anybody good at not getting caught doing crimes, it's going to be my dad. Finger guns just like fucking through the roof. It's like looking in a mirror, only not. See anything you like. But basically,

yeah, you don't want that to happen to your dad, right? No, of course not. Okay, right, right. Okay, well, I've wrapped this up as you said to do henry i'll have one question and before glenn here uh a great dad that he is is gonna close this thing out um are there video games in this world uh judge in this world uh no unfortunately damn guys we could have blamed it on video games. It's a bad parenting. Well, there's video games in our world.

Oh, that's true. So there's... Oh, that might be really complicated. Are you a gamer, son? Do you play video games? Would you say that you are, as of now, winning, son? Oh, my goodness. I'm part of a Destiny clan.

I'm part of a Call of Duty clan. Yeah, I'm pretty good at games. Not a Fortnite guy. That's more Grant's thing. But yeah, no, I pop some headies in my time. Sorry, what? We'll see how this goes. We can always appeal if we need to in playing video games. That's more Grant's thing. But yeah, no, I popped some headies in my time. Sorry, what? We'll see how this goes. We can always appeal if we need to and play video games.

That usually works. Hey, Nick, they said that it's a crime that I go to Disneyland while you're at school. Let me ask you a question real quick. What are the lines at Disneyland the shortest? When I'm at school. Yeah, exactly. And do I ever get you like some stuff? I've got some cool Galaxy's at school. Yeah, exactly. And do I ever get you, like, some stuff? I've got some cool Galaxy's Edge stuff.

Yeah, yeah. You like Star Wars, right? Yeah, who doesn't? Yeah. Yeah. Objection leading, and also, I don't know what any of this is. Sustained. How do you feel about Disneyland?

Am I under oath? And Bill looks at me and goes, yeah. Nick goes, I don't love Disneyland. I'm not a big Disney guy. Wait, really? Yeah, I didn't want a harsher buzz. I'm more of a Universal Studios kind of, I don't like Harry Potter anymore.

Objection, badging the witness. Wait, hold on. No, no, no. What? Say that again. Objection. Overruled. All overruled. Yeah, I like Universal Studios. The T2, the 3D experience. Universal Studios?

There's the mummy ride. The fucking place where there's a Jurassic... Wait, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Jurassic Park. It's like Splash Mountain, but better because it's got dinosaurs. What do you want me to tell you? Sorry. While they were fighting, I would like their voices to fade out while I explain that the true sign of love is to vehemently disagree fighting, I would like their voices to fade out while I explain that the true sign of love

is to vehemently disagree with another person and yet still be related to them. And I feel like as they are arguing while I'm making this argument, that is what they show. A true love that transcends theme

parks, therefore proving unequivocally that Glenn is truly a DILF of Disneyland. That is a dedicated, involved, loving father who prefers Disneyland. Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that you like animatronic dinosaurs over the critters on Splash Mountain, Nick? I'm just saying, if they fought, the dinosaurs would win every time. Also, they're replacing that Glenn, because that was problematic even 20 years ago. Don't you get it on this, Daryl. Remember every time we went when I was young, I was like, what movie is this from?

And you're like, ah. And it's like, that's so weird that it's still been there this whole time. There's a giant minion over Universal Studios. Dad, dad, I really like the minions. Oh, my God. Move oh my god move to strike move to strike Glenn Glenn we gotta go okay that's we have no more questions for this witness oh no I have questions

the difference rests you look pulling him away from the witness stand wait hold on wait Glenn do you want your kid do you want to get out of here then stop being a fucking jackass moron you're yelling at your kid about an amusement park who gives a shit you colossal dumbass shut the fuck up oh just he's he's just been he's glenn sits down and starts scribbling furiously on a piece of paper in fact he starts scribbling furiously in between finger tuts to

nick with just like minions question mark minions and hit nick finger stuff like minions, period, minions. Nick finger-tuts back, banana. Can I put into evidence a really cute moment between Glenn and Nick right there where they're both finger-tutting? And that seemed really cute. That seemed like a thing good that... Does everybody see that in court? Sure, I can put that in evidence, yeah.

Cool. That was pretty cool. They have a secret language. That's nice. I wish we had a secret language. I could read it, though, and it wasn't that sweet. So Bill says, all right, Radicus, your witness. Let's just let everybody take a deep breath after that heated argument.

You know, you come into this courtroom ready to hash things out, but sometimes it just gets so angry. Objection. I don't know. What's the objection, Henry? That felt rude. Objection. Meme. And I wasn't angry.

I'm just so surprised. I don't even know what to. It's just like my whole world is collapsing around me right now. That's okay. That felt rude. Objection. Mean. And I wasn't angry. I'm just so surprised. I don't even know what to... It's just like my whole world's collapsing around me right now. That's okay. We withdraw our objection. Your dad's pretty cool, right, Nick? I think that understates it. He's very cool. He's a very cool guy. Do you wish you were cool like your dad?

Oh, very much so. Yeah. How do you get cool like your dad is? I mean, you got to be good at playing guitar. You got to be good at talking to other people. Got to be charming. You know, got to be funny, quick with a joke. Got to be good at doing stuff without getting caught.

You got to get the apple freeze and cars land. You know, I'm not a big cars guy, but they got the apple freeze and that's really good. Got to have my bowl. Got to have cereal. It's Friday, Friday. Do you have to be a good person? Do you think? Uh, I don't know what you mean. That's fair. Would you do some things that you wouldn't normally do otherwise because you want to be cool like your dad? I think the big reason that my dad and I get along is because all the stuff that I want to do is stuff that he wants to do, you know, so I don't quite, I mean, yeah, I mean, when we go to Disneyland, sometimes I want to go to like

Universal and sometimes when, you know, Glenn's like, hey, I mean, yeah, I mean, when we go to Disneyland, sometimes I want to go to like Universal. And sometimes when, you know, Glenn's like, hey, let's just chill out and watch Face Off. I want to like go into my room and like be alone and stuff. But like that's, I mean, that's not, it's not an all the time thing. Yeah, no, but it's easier just to do what Glenn likes. I mean, yeah, it's what friendship's about, right? You know, you hang out with your friends, your friends need you. So, you know, you chill.

I never wanted to harsh my dad's buzz. So, you know, we, we, we hang out and he doesn't harsh my buzz. It's a good thing we got going. Guys, I don't like where this is going. I mean, he is your father, not, not your friend. He's both. He's my father friend. He's my FF. He's my BFF. Would you ever say smoke weed or fight somebody who is way bigger than you are if your dad asked you to? Cause it would make you a cool guy. Oh, for sure. Everybody at school, you say, thinks you have a cool dad. Oh yeah, they love him. But you know, you don't have to feel that way. Objection. This lawyer is telling people how to feel. Yeah, I'll sustain that. I'll sustain that. I can't imagine you want to say anything bad about your dad. So let's instead, let's talk about you. It's just been you and your dad for kind of a while now.

Yep. Since I was seven. So about five years. Has that been lonely for you? I mean, not when I'm with him. When I'm with him, it's cool. Like everything's cool. Everything's chill. Are you left alone very often? A fair amount. He's got to do some gigs, got to keep food on the table. So yeah, sometimes I'm making dinner by myself for weeks at a time, but that's normal. That's how we do it. It's how the close boys do. How much of the year would you say you actually spend with your father?

So I'm definitely with Glenn for about seven, eight months of the year. Once we get into that sort of Halloween-y, Thanksgiving-y, Christmas-y, New Year's Eve season. It just keeps moving back every year. I keep saying that. It keeps getting further and further back. It used to be just a Thanksgiving. Now it's a Halloween. Objection!

That's one of those things people say to make small talk, but if you look at the data, it's not really true. It pretty much always is. Once Halloween's done, it's Christmas time, and it's been that way for a really long time. Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest. Withdrawn. Nick, do you ever wish you could spend the holidays with your dad? Oh, all the time.

Yeah, for sure. Would you want him to give up his music if that meant you got to spend more time with him? I mean, I feel like his music means a whole lot to him. I don't think I would ask him to do that. That's a very sweet thing for you to say, even though you are his child. So shouldn't he be trying to accommodate you sometimes, don't you think? Objection. That's a bad court thingy.

You can't say that. That's just his opinion. It would be lack of, he's not an expert in parenting. He's a child. I'm asking about his personal needs and wants. I'm gonna go ahead and overrule that. Damn. So go ahead and ask that question again because I think that Nick forgot what you were saying.

Do you ever feel like your father gives things up for you or is accommodating for your needs and your desires? Uh, I don't, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know a whole lot about what he has to give up or really anything. Cause like, again, RE the whole no bad vibes kind of deal. Like we're cool dudes who hang out as much as we can.

Sometimes I need stuff, but I don't, I don't really feel like, you know, he needs to know about that. So I don't, I don't tell him and he probably needs stuff and doesn't tell me. We're like cool bros. We don't want to make it weird, you know? So if he has stuff that he could give up to make my life easier, I guess I wouldn't know about it. Cause like, you know, we got that cool bro shield between us.

I mean, sometimes other people harsher buzz, right? Oh yeah. All the time. Yeah. You're like, yeah, absolutely. Then they bring you down right? Oh, yeah, all the time. Yeah, you're like... World's full of haters. Yeah, absolutely. Then they bring you down and they really, they make you feel bad. Sometimes they hurt you. Do you feel when you have those experiences that you have somebody you can talk to about how you're feeling?

Uh, no. But you have somebody you can hang out with and have fun with. Yeah, and that's better. Why would I want to talk about stuff when I could blaze it on Call of Duty and get my killstreaks? I could prestige three times. Talking comes and goes. Prestige in Call of Duty is forever. Sounds like those video games are putting the wrong ideas in his head.

Am I right, everybody? Look around the court. We call Senator Joseph Lieberman to the stand. Good impression. Wow, my God, the political humor. On this season of Politically Incorrect

in 2002. Nick, do you think fun is all that you need in life? Glenn's shaking his head up and down like, yeah, obviously. Yeah, obviously. Do you need in life? Glenn's shaking his head up and down like, yeah, obviously. Yeah, obviously.

Do you ever wish you had somebody to talk to? Yeah, I mean, every once in a while. Like, I'll have those thoughts about like, you know. I mean, I don't even really like to think about it. But yeah, sometimes I have thoughts like that. But then it's just, you do something else, you know. You just, you know, you can't be sad if you're doing something else. So just, I focus on other stuff.

I prestige again. I play some guitar. I don't smoke weed. And he winks very significantly at his dad. Yeah, no, so I do, but you know, it's fleeting. Those thoughts are fleeting. This has made, out of character, made me so depressed and sad for Nick.

I'm like, just struggling to bring the hammer home, but I just want to give this poor kid a hug. Objection. If they want Nick to have somebody to talk to so bad, why don't they talk

to him themselves? I think I am. Yeah, I'm going to withdraw that. Do you ever think that you could have a relationship with your dad where you tell him about your thoughts and your feelings?

Oh, no, that's not the point. I mean, if I may be so bold, you sound a little bit like a narc right now. You sound a little bit like a buzzkill. I am a prosecutor, so yes. Oh, yeah. You know what? This whole thing just clicked for me. Narc.

I plead the fifth. Shit. I should have pleaded the fifth from the beginning. Plead the fifth. Fifth, fifth, fifth, fifth, fifth. Retract the fifth. No more questions. Glenn pumps his fist like, yes, nailed it.

Nick points his finger back at his dad, extremely happy that they're not talking about the Universal Studios thing anymore. So Bill goes, all right, this is your last witness. Do you have any redirect questions? We have one redirect question. Nick, am I a good dad? Yeah.

No further questions. I think we got have one redirect question. Nick, am I a good dad? Yeah. No further questions. I think we got this one, guys. Okay, I think I know how to handle this in our clothes. Okay, yeah. It is time for closing arguments. First of all, I'm going to go ahead and dismiss the witness. And he slams his anvil down again. And Nick goes, oh, by the way, fuck all y'all haters.

And he flips him over the office. He flies through the sky and heads back in the direction that he came into another off-screen adventure with Walter and the boys. The judge goes, okay, so first on closing statements is the prosecution. Gentlemen and ladies and agendered members of the jury, I was brought here for a very simple task today, and that was to prove that Glenn Close was a bad father and a bad person. There's some overlap between those two, I would argue, and I would argue that you've seen quite a few statements, some of them from Glenn's own mouth,

proving that he is a bad person and a bad father. His own son refers to him as a friend, not a father. We've seen him commit crimes over and over again. seen him commit crimes over and over again. He's a smoke-wielding, hotwire-carring degenerate that should be taken off the streets. And Nick, that poor, poor, sweet young boy, Nick needs somebody who can take care of him, who will listen when he talks, who won't just run roughshod over his feelings, who won't yell at him in a public court of law because of a simple disagreement. Nick deserves better, and so do the people of this country. I rest my case. Well done. Well done. All right, Henry. Henry gets up and straightens an imaginary tie and shuffles some papers, and he walks up and says

to the jury, when i first met glenn i'll be honest i didn't like him that much i still don't think you kind of like me i'll be honest i still don't like glenn that much yeah that's what i thought glenn is annoying and kind of irresponsible he's a little dumb cool you know i try to be an open-minded person i try not to judge people but i think with gl, I struggle with that the most. Dang. Narc on my own team. I think we've seen a lot of sides of Glenn today, and he's a complicated man.

And I believe that we've seen good things in addition to bad things. I think we've seen a father who's willing to risk his life, not just for his son, but for my son. I've seen Glenn put his life on the line for my son, and that complicates my picture of Glenn. I've seen Glenn charge into battle. I've seen Glenn stand up for what's right. And I've seen Glenn do some stuff that really drives me crazy. I think he's a complicated man. Do I think that Glenn is a great father? No. I think mostly he's a mediocre father. But I'll ask you this. Is there a law against being a mediocre father is glenn on trial for being mediocre no is glenn bad absolutely not you know who's bad my dad you know who's bad ron's dad you know who's bad glenn's dad probably no offense your honor

but this is a man who's trying let's consider just for a moment what would happen to nick if he was taken away from this man who loves him who he loves who supports him financially who takes care of him who is his friend and that's not a term that i choose to denigrate being a friend is could glenn be a better father yes could he be a better friend to his son no i don't think so but what do we think would happen to nick if he was taken away from Glenn? Glenn, his father would be trapped in this world forever. He would be separated from this person who he loves. That would bring him inconceivable trauma. We already know that the poor boy is still processing his feelings over the death of his mother. Imagine what the trauma of losing his father would do on top of that. So when you go to that jury booth or voting booth or whatever you do with the jury in

this world, I want you to think about a man who is trying to be a good man. I want you to think about what will happen to this good son if his father is taken away from him. And I want you to acquit Glenn Close of being a bad father and a bad person because he is a good person and he is an okay father. I rest my case. Ron starts the What a monologue! Slow clap. Slow clap and we try and get other people. I'm going to roll

persuasion to persuade the court to slow clap. Yes, do it. 10 plus 11, 21. Slowly, the rest of the audience, the rest of the court starts to clap along with Clap. Yes, do it. 10 plus 11, 21. Slowly, the rest of the audience, the rest of the court starts to clap along with you. Erraticus. And then even Erraticus starts to do it. Evanescence is standing on the top of his chair.

I mean, he's going away. And then Glenn stands up. I want to use this distraction as an excuse to kind of like stumble over to the pile of loot where our stuff is and try and retrieve one item. Give me a slide. I would say it's disadvantage because it's like in front of everybody, but they're also clapping.

That's why the clapping was happening. That breaks even then. Yeah. Give me a slide, Van. 15 plus 5, 20. All right. You can take one item. As everyone's kind of slow clapping.

If you grab your gun right now, I'm going to fucking lose my mind. No, I don't think I find my gun. Over the course of everyone's slow clapping, I like stand up and I try and rile up the crowd. And then my natural rock star charisma kind of gets people into a low thrum, a low murmur. And during this distracted sort of moment, I sidle over to it and I slide the rolling pin up my sleeve.

Okay. The magical rolling pin. As the entire court is clapping along with you all these hardened criminals and stuff and even the jury immediately knows like the jury in her cage with her wings daniel peck's like you know what i changed my mind you won me over it cuts to dale peck and then you hear like the sound of the court through the bars and it's like you hear that? The sound of justice. I like to think she actually is a really small bird and she's just insecure and was looking to us in the inside of the cage. This is when we finally see her.

She's just lifting weights in front of a picture of a huge bird. And her attitude suddenly makes sense now. Yeah, now the whole attitude makes sense. So Bill clamps his gavel down on the gavel coaster and he goes, alright, alright all right, order, order, order, order. Here's what's going to happen now. Everybody's going to go back to the meth bay supermax

while the jury deliberates. Once the jury figures out what's going to happen, you'll either be convicted or not. And if you're convicted, then we'll move on to sentencing. But for now, Bill Close says, raising his gavel one final time, court is adjourned. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak.

Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. This episode featured special guest, Jana Stieber, once again, playing Radicus Finch. You can find her at TheJna, one word, on Twitter. And she streams on Twitch at twitch.tv slash the underscore Jenna. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Beth has a quick shout out here at the end. Take it away, Beth. Hey, Beth here. I just wanted to give a quick shout out to my friends Martha Harrison and Danielle Peck, one of my rare friends who actually listens to the podcast. I just want to say that I love you guys. And Danielle, I hope that you get well soon.

You guys mean so much to me and I'm thinking about you. And so is the whole podcast crew now because we're all family. I want to throw a quick special thanks out to all the Patreon supporters who helped us out for these past two episodes by compiling a list of Glenn Close crimes that Jenna and Anthony were able to cross-reference in their preparations. They were working for the man, but, you know, we're all here to just have a, Katie, Shersty, Maya, Matthew, Melissa, Nikki, Noel, Nyquidriver, Osama, Rebecca Mooney, and Ren. These folks were drawn from our ranks of Patreon supporters, all of whom who would not hesitate for one second to testify against Glenn. These moral pillars of society include among them folks like Charlie Kayser, Everett Ethan Jay, Amber S., William Kammer, Dragan Boscovich, Stephen Wheeler, Javier Davila, Kendra Hennis, LocoPie89, Irish Then High, John Lukoryski, Michael Gritz, Darth Wits, Mackenzie Kusenberger, Jake Tidmarsh, Lady Bear, Todd Forsythe, Edie Deagle, Brian Ferguson, and Tyson Olson. Thank you all so much. You find bonus content on our Patreon, like a Walter Payton bonus one shot, as well as uncut episodes and after episode chat show called talking dad.

And so much more. That's at patrion.com slash dungeons and daddies for all you merch hounds out there. We got a slew of new merch, including a new sticker pack with a West rock elementary doodlers bumper sticker, new pins, and everything is going to be OAK poster.

Check it all out at store.dftba.com or our website dungeonsanddaddies.com and just a quick heads up the stuff that's in stock we recommend ordering by December 1st to get there by the holidays the stuff that's on pre-order is going to show up after the holidays so you know treat it like a second Christmas you can follow us on Twitter at

dungeonsanddads reddit.com slash rdungeonsanddaddies is our subreddit thank you so much for listening the next episode is december 8th and by the way if you play destiny 2 look up doodlers that's the name of our clan the tag is bbsm i need your light guardian it's like a dragon there was a time when you could read between the lines you know they never brought you down never brought you down never brought you down problematic Matt

you put the Matt in problematic oh man what a dunk Matt how are you gonna live after that dunk