Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 5 - The Lord of Chaos Pt. III

Episode Date: March 26, 2019

The dads face off against the Cult of the Doodler. They meet Chekov's snake, Henry takes advantage of his newfound skills, Ron makes new friends, Daryl rallies a crowd, and Glenn invents a new D&D... weapon mechanic to devastating effect.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, animal death, and violence towards children.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Additional backgrounds by Sword Coast SoundscapesTheme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 We can wait for clean water solutions, or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures, or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth, or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.
Starting point is 00:00:39 No, that won't do. That won't do at all. Get it. Yep, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got into this crazy situation. Well, it all started when we came to Neverwinter to rescue my two beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow. Turns out they were up to their usual high jinks trying to summon some kind of eldritch god while disguised as a lord of chaos. We had a diggity dickens of a time busted out of the jail cell. They threw us into while the rest of the dads made friends with a mysterious shapeshifter.
Starting point is 00:01:10 Yours truly got some one-on-one time with Sparrow, or should I say one on wolf time? I convinced my son not to summon the doodler. And now David Boreanaz wants to spill my blood, make no bones about it. This guy's no angel. What's a dad to do? Stay tuned to find out on this week's Dungeons & Daddies.
Starting point is 00:01:48 Welcome to Dungeons & Daddies, the D&D podcast. A D&D. The only one. The premier D&D podcast. Critical roles suck my ass. Adventure Zone, eat my butt. You're right, Freddie. You were going to say the D&D podcast about four. I mean, we are the only podcast about four dads.
Starting point is 00:02:03 Actually, we're the only podcast. If you in 99 invisible you get this podcast the only podcast it's me diane reem welcome to dungeons and daddies a dnd podcast about four dads from our world transported into the forgotten realms on the quest to rescue their sons my name is freddie wong i play glenn close bard rock and roll dad and fun fact about glenn this week about 50 on whether or not we did the moon landings he's actually not sure he's a skeptic that makes sense he's a skeptic fucking asshole he's just sitting here he's you know what he just has some questions if every enemy targets glenn for the rest of this episode you know why i'm matthew arnold and I play Daryl Wilson the stay at home coach dad who's a barbarian
Starting point is 00:02:48 and little fact about Daryl when he caught his father as Santa Claus when he was 8 years old he actually still believed in Santa Claus for another 3 years just that his dad was Santa Claus that's beautiful so he was like bragging at school
Starting point is 00:03:04 yeah he was like oh of course school. Yeah. He was like, Oh, of course my dad, Santa. That makes sense. Um, Hey, what's up?
Starting point is 00:03:09 I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather. Fun fact about Ron is he knows every Eminem lyric, every Eminem song. That old Marshall Mathers. Oh no. Slim shady. Ron knows it all. Don't mess. Will Ron be giving us a demonstration this episode? I don't know if you're ready for it. Do you have like genius.com open in another tab just ready to reference the entire library? I'm literally just hoping I could be like, dear Freddie, I wrote you, but you still ain't calling.
Starting point is 00:03:42 library. I'm literally just hoping I could be like, dear Freddie, I wrote you, but you still ain't calling. Hey everyone, Will Campos, I play Henry Oak, geologist, granola, Birkenstock dad. Fun fact about Henry, he's had an Ani DiFranco CD stuck in his Prius since he bought it. He tells
Starting point is 00:03:58 people it's stuck in there, but he really just doesn't want to listen to anything else. I am Anthony Birch, I am your daddy master. Just as a sort of... I laugh every time. I keep wanting to be like, yes. If you're looking into DMing games with your friends and stuff like that,
Starting point is 00:04:16 I just want to caution you. Don't buy every single different book for every single DM system that you find interesting because I own literally 15 and I just keep playing D&D like a dumb idiot. And I've read them all too. And they're like 300 page books. It's a dumb thing to do with your time. We get it, Anthony. You read. What a nerd. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:04:41 Welcome to episode five, The Lord of Chaos, Part 3. Okay, so the Lizard Man, the one that you spared in massive sarcasm quotation marks because you just missed your opportunity attack. He runs and opens a panel on a wall that you didn't see before and smacks it. And a stairway appears that heads upward. And you remember that a couple of floors above you is the armory where all of your stuff is. And presumably many more flights above that is wherever Henry is fighting.
Starting point is 00:05:10 And then Lark is in a cell? You've locked Lark into a cell. And in addition to that, there is another cell that has a guy with a hood in it that you haven't spoken to. Hey, hooded bro, what's up, man? What are you in here for? He turns to you and lowers the hood
Starting point is 00:05:24 and you see that he's a snake. Ugh. Oh. One of those guys. And he just goes, does anybody speak snake? Hey, Darrell Wilson, when a man asks you a question,
Starting point is 00:05:34 you should answer, and I put his hand out. So what are you in here for, brother? He slithers. He slithers onto your hand. Ooh. And then just sort of goes up your arm and onto... Are you doing anything to stop this?
Starting point is 00:05:50 How big is the snake? He's the size of a man. The moment he gets around my hand, I go, oh, and I try to pull away. Okay, cool. Careful, Daryl. Remember, red touches yellow. You're a dead fellow. Red next to black
Starting point is 00:06:05 you're okay Jack I know your name's Daryl but you're okay Jack thanks yeah does he have poisonous markings in like based on that rhyme yes according to that rhyme you're a dead fellow
Starting point is 00:06:16 if he chooses to bite you so you pull him out he continues to hold on to your arm and as he goes through the bars you can see like this like wavy shimmer almost as if there was some sort of barrier preventing him from getting through the holes in the bars that somehow your hand your masculine handshake uh broke so he crawls off of your gross arm and goes down your gross body and your gross legs and very judgy this session
Starting point is 00:06:40 guys a very sexual session yeah could you give me that description again? I did note that Freddie dropped the Not A BDSM podcast from his intro, so we'll see where this one goes. He's not like a snake man. He's just a snake that is the size of a man, and he gets up on his tail and, like, bounces himself vertically and then, like, bends in the middle to, like, bow to you and then begins to slip away.
Starting point is 00:07:03 What? Wow. Well, uh, shape-shifting girl over there, what are you doing? I put my hand out. Daryl Wilson, that was an odd one. What were you doing in there?
Starting point is 00:07:17 I was just ignoring it. I didn't mean to do anything because otherwise he just goes into a crack in the wall and he's gone. A fucking dolly-esque fever dream moment. It's like some Mexican magical realism film all of a sudden. Hey, everyone else is welcome. Daryl's very confused and is definitely going to go talk to this shape-shifting girl.
Starting point is 00:07:38 50% sure that that actually happened. I remember seeing this once in an LSD flashback Glenn is like slightly more probable than the moon landing oh my god okay this is a weird French ass animation we're watching I just really hope Anthony had this whole
Starting point is 00:07:57 elaborate backstory plan for this snake like what the snake was doing there like he's so pivotal to this story and Matt's just like, we'll see. It's a little calm A, a little calm B. Every idea I come up with
Starting point is 00:08:15 I have to temper my excitement for it with the knowledge that you dumb idiots will just strip down nude and completely invalidate the combat I had planned. Hey, that snake is showing up elsewhere. He's Chek he's check off snake now so again i say uh shape shifting girl uh that's quite a trick you got there uh what were you doing in that cell so she forms herself back into the shape of the crying girl why are you still crying yeah oh my gosh stop crying oh she's like oh sorry this is my default to try to engender sympathy
Starting point is 00:08:44 and her she stops crying she continues to cry for a second and you realize that her tears don't dry they go back into her skin and like like go back like it's like it's the same mass being like reused in a cycle of like fake tears a cool fountain the bellagio daryl definitely starts instantly looking for he's very aware he's naked when that happens like seeing that sort of like that thing happens that body i'm like i'm naked now i need to find my clothes she's like thanks for for getting me out um i was just gonna bolt do you guys want to come with our buddies up there may or may not have turned into a wolf unsure i feel like we gotta help him out so um maybe you could bolt in our direction yeah we helped you out it
Starting point is 00:09:26 only makes sense that you could help us out i actually have you heard of the daryl barrel special there's oh darn it we were supposed to give beer to that woman back in that in that town oh you're criminals too you were like you weren't imprisoned unjustly like you clearly did whatever you were accused of. Is that cool to you? Yes. Cool, yes. Yes, we are criminals.
Starting point is 00:09:48 We are criminals. Okay. Well, if that's the case, you can help me get all my stuff. I don't know if that would help you with your wolf problem. Down into the armory? Yeah. Hey, Henry! Guys, where do you think Henry is?
Starting point is 00:10:01 I don't know. I think we should get our stuff, though. Seeing as we're all naked minus Ron and it does feel weird and it's a very compromising position that we're in here. Three naked dudes and one shirtless dude and a crying girl. Quick naked dad huddle. Oh God. Naked dad huddle. This is
Starting point is 00:10:15 very close. I'm very close to you guys. Are we going upstairs? The dad huddle is like notably a little airier than usual. Everyone's arms are just a little No, no, no. As you drive, Daryl pulls you in very close. Daryl's not letting you get away. Do we trust this lady? Well, I think we need our stuff.
Starting point is 00:10:32 And if she was going to do something to us, she'd probably have like done it now. So seeing as we're probably the most vulnerable we will ever be in any given situation, I think we should go get our stuff. All right. We're going to cut back up to Sparrow and Henry. Cross-cutting this episode. I love it. Finally, my time to shine by myself. Now the real role play begins. Henry, you are on the roof and you have your son next to you and
Starting point is 00:10:55 you are in wolf form. And David Boreanaz and his cadre of soldiers are about to attack you to try and summon the doodlers. So go ahead and roll initiative. I got a 15 plus 270. Okay, cool. So you are currently fighting a group of people that is large enough that I'm basically just gonna treat them as one massive, horrible blob. Just so you know what the layout of this area is, it's a big tower that sort of has no real,
Starting point is 00:11:20 like there's no handrails or balcony stuff to protect you from falling off. And in the center- No OSHA from falling off. And in the center... No OSHA in this universe. And in the center of the tower is the big spike pit with all the blood and everything in it. And you're also surrounded by innocent people. It is identical to the skyscraper map from Mario Kart 64. Okay, that helps a lot.
Starting point is 00:11:39 Will, you have power slide and then hop between those two little gaps. I scan about for floating gems that can turn into power ups. So you actually have the better initiative. So you and Sparrow get to go first. And I'm going to play for Sparrow, but for the sake of not being boring, you can sort of direct Sparrow what to do. Okay, we're still on the elevator, right? You are still on the
Starting point is 00:11:58 elevator, yeah. Okay, is there like a down button on the elevator? Yes. Okay, I frantically hit the down button where I paw at it in wolf form. Actually, roll dexterity to see if you can paw at it with your wolf hands. I got a 19. Ooh, okay, so you successfully hit the down button, and it begins
Starting point is 00:12:14 to chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. Oh, he's like one of those dogs that can shake. Boreanaz and, let's see, let's roll for their speed. So Boreanaz and two other guards managed to jump onto it before it gets to the point where you would start taking damage for jumping down. I would call that a minor action because you're just reaching out.
Starting point is 00:12:33 Do you want to do something else? Okay. Hold on one second. I'm just reading up about my beast shape. Yeah, you got like sick beast power-ups, dude. You can stay up in beast shape for one hour. Any longer, call your doctor. You get a free
Starting point is 00:12:47 t-shirt that says beast mode and it doesn't have any sleeves and you go to LA Fitness. Ask your doctor if being a wolf is right for you. I cast CrossFit. Okay, let's see. Your game statistics are replaced
Starting point is 00:13:04 by the statistics of the beast but you retain your alignment personality and intelligence wisdom and charisma okay well i have the wolf stats right in front of me okay cool can you tell me like what i could do because i feel like i might just you have bite as a melee roll over you have uh you have advantage on perception checks that rely on hearing or smell um you have advantage on any attack if you're next to a friend and you also have a bite that is actually pretty damaging it's 2d4 plus 2 oh shit yeah i'm gonna fucking bite david borianis right in his beautiful face that's what i'm gonna do right aiming for that money maker right away hey man you hit him where it hurts all right you want to roll a d20 and add four to it okay
Starting point is 00:13:39 uh 17 plus 4 21 oh okay good roll that bite makes it, so go ahead and roll 2d4 and then add 2. 8 damage. Jesus Christ. David Boreanaz looking like Vamp Face Angel right now. All right, um, I'm just really quickly giving Boreanaz more health. And he has a snake friend. Yeah. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:14:06 I can finally be with my best friend, Boreanaz. He kept me in here as a weird sex thing. It was not because he didn't like me. So that will be your turn. Sparrow is going to say, so is being a hug wolf, does that involve violence as well? I am fighting them. I'm going to fight them. Hug wolves hug with their mouths.
Starting point is 00:14:26 I see. Fighting time! And so he's gonna try to bite Boreanaz as well. And his teeth just managed to get a hold of the skin on Boreanaz's exposed knee, because he has a little empty patch there in his chainmail. So cool.
Starting point is 00:14:42 It's to make it look worn and neat. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Actually, you can buy pre-hold chainmail. So cool. It's to make it look worn and neat. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Actually, you can buy pre-hauled chainmail. It looks like peasant's chainmail, but it's way more expensive. Sharks hate him. So he bites him on the knee. It doesn't draw any blood, but he's like,
Starting point is 00:14:58 Dad, I'm doing it. Are you proud of me, Dad? Still, I have a mouthful of Boreanaz, so I go, uh-huh. I wish I could say the same. I was waiting for it. I'm sorry. It's weird that I literally thought the exact same thing and was like, it's not the same. It's not weird.
Starting point is 00:15:14 I was literally just watching season two of Angel. Season two, huh? Yeah. Primo. I guess, yeah, that's Boreanaz at his hottest. Okay, so Boreanaz irritated his hottest okay so Boreanaz irritated by the fact that he's getting
Starting point is 00:15:26 double bitten by the Oak family I thought he didn't notice the knee one that's true yeah he didn't notice the knee one
Starting point is 00:15:33 he's still getting double bitten if you know what I mean I don't know what you mean I don't either he's gonna draw a dagger from his belt and try to stab
Starting point is 00:15:42 Henry in the throat this is a good day for the Oak family. He just sort of wails randomly at the air, and you feel like some of your fur get cut off, but fucking nothing. But because he's a boss, he gets to go twice. All right, so 12 plus four. What is your AC?
Starting point is 00:15:57 My AC is 15. Oh, actually, sorry, you have the AC of a wolf now. I have the AC of a wolf. Yeah, so you're only at AC of 13. Shoot. So you will take some damage. Okay. What's the deal?. I have the AC of a wolf. Yeah, so you're only at AC of 13. Shoot. So you will take some damage. Okay. What's the deal?
Starting point is 00:16:07 Do I have wolf HP now? Wolf has 11 hit points. Okay, so I have 11 hit points. So you take five damage. Yikes. Yeah, not great. And as a free action,
Starting point is 00:16:17 Boreanaz is like, jump down, you cowards. It won't hurt that much. Come on, come on. And a couple people jump down. They won't get turns yet, but they're gonna
Starting point is 00:16:24 try to not get hurt. All right, so the first guy lands with seemingly no damage. The second one falls and basically breaks an ankle. So you're now in an elevator with four people. Okay, so now the other two guards are going to try to attack your perfect son, Sparrow. First one is... Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:16:44 A crit. Watch your son die in front of you in this elevator I crit a kid at the end Carl's like raising it from the dead he like rolls a dice into him to like
Starting point is 00:17:02 make him fall back he was reaching for a d20 it looks real enough. It looked real enough. Just for a second, isn't it insane how the moral of Die Hard is like, isn't it great that cop is comfortable shooting people in the head?
Starting point is 00:17:15 Thank God he can kill people again. Oh my God. I critic it. Seriously, Sparrow's dead. Your child died. Sparrow's dead. Your child died. Sparrow biting onto the knees of Boreanaz continues to bite, but his eyes go big and his legs just go slack.
Starting point is 00:17:34 Oh my god. His whole body just goes limp, but he's still hanging on with those teeth. Wait, what did he get hit with? Oh, he got hit with a dagger. Oh, dagger. He got stabbed? He got stabbed?
Starting point is 00:17:43 He got stabbed in the shoulder. You kind of buried the lead on that one. Sorry. Sorry, your child got stabbed. I was like, oh, it's some magic that like, made him pass out on his staff. No, no, he got, it was a magical dagger that went into his shoulder blade.
Starting point is 00:17:56 We didn't really think ahead. This podcast is going to have a lot of kids getting stabbed, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Without getting too graphic, he gets stabbed a little bit in the shoulder blades and it hits him hard enough that he just goes limp
Starting point is 00:18:07 except for his teeth. The second baddie now is going to be like, I guess that kid's probably done. I'm going to go for the adult wolf. When are your teeth ever limp? You'll find out when you get older. And he swings at you and just barely nicks some of your ear, but you don't even feel it.
Starting point is 00:18:24 He misses. So now we're going to cut to your ear, but you don't even feel it. He misses. So now we're going to cut to all of you as you come into the armory. You see lockers upon lockers of really shitty-looking medieval weaponry, and really standing out amongst all this stuff is basically just a big pile of all of your shit because it looks very modern and very Earth-like and stuff like that. Can we do a perception roll to see if there's good weapons among those shitty weapons? Yeah, go ahead.
Starting point is 00:18:45 I got a 10. Do you guys want to look around? I would. By all means, take your time. This is like a glance. I got an 8. Okay, so you can tell that all the stuff here is, it's like decent quality, but there's an amazing variety. So what I want to say is, if you want to have any
Starting point is 00:19:02 other kind of additional weapon, you can just get it here for free, and you'll just have it. So of the weapons, I'm not even familiar with D&D weapons. Well, hold on. Let me look. We got maces. We got bows. We got spears.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Whatever you can imagine, Freddy. We got swords. What about fire poi? Like what people spin at Burning Man? I wouldn't know. I mean, there are flails. You could like get a flail and then get some pitch and like pour it on there. What's the thing with the two sticks? Do you the thing that like super cool kids did at school with
Starting point is 00:19:31 clackety clackety yeah uh let's just go ahead and say there's something that is there in a pinch if you wanted to get that okay do they have nunchucks uh yeah i want nunchucks okay so you get nunchucks another fun fact about glad very into mall ninja shit. Okay, so we'll say just stat-wise that that'll basically be a club because I'm pretty sure nunchucks are not officially in D&D. Here's the thing about nunchucks. I think that they need to have
Starting point is 00:19:51 a small percentage chance of hurting you whenever you use them. I think it's a nat one, you whip yourself in the nards. Yeah, that's the official nunchuck rule. Yeah, I believe so. I fully approve that. So yeah, we'll say that it is a simple melee weapon.
Starting point is 00:20:05 It's not a simple weapon. Bruce Lee trained his whole life to use this, Anthony. For a more civilized age. So we'll say that it's a club that instead of doing 1d4 damage, it does 1d6 damage. But with that downside, if you get a one or a two, you will hit yourself in either the left or the right testicle. So you're saying if I lose a nut at some point in this adventure,
Starting point is 00:20:28 it will be a better weapon for you. Yeah, it's true. Actually. Interesting. Good. Okay. Very good.
Starting point is 00:20:33 Fuck. Yeah, I got nunchucks. I've been looking forward to this. I've been trying to get a character with nunchucks in so many campaigns and I've had so many DMS look at me and be like, you don't have nunchucks. I'm like,
Starting point is 00:20:44 but, but nunchucks. Is there a sort of skip it sort of like, uh, is there something I can do with my feet that is deadly and dangerous? Okay. So what you see there is you see there's a flail, which has the chain in the ball of pain on the end of it. And there's also some shackles. So if you wanted to grab through those things and then like, and some downtime, try to like make them together and do an evil skip it. Yes, please. It's make them together into an evil skippet, you could do that. Yes, please. It's not going to be an evil skippet, but it will be dangerous.
Starting point is 00:21:09 Okay. Do you want to try to make this a skippet now? Yeah. I mean, there seems like there's time. Henry! How's it going up there? Oh, no. Guys, please be quiet.
Starting point is 00:21:24 I am trying to assemble my skippet. Ryan, I think we've got to get our stuff. Do you actually want to try to build the skippet? Yes. Okay. Then roll... Oh, my God. Let's see.
Starting point is 00:21:33 Let's see. There's not a lot here for skippet handling in your stats. One second, Henry. One second. We're just getting some stuff ready here, but we'll be there as soon as we can. Let's say survival. Roll survival. All right.
Starting point is 00:21:46 Five. Okay. stuff ready here but we'll be there as soon as we can say survival roll survival all right five okay so you sort of just clink the shackles and the ball together just over and over like getting more and more frustrated that's not working but at the end you don't actually have a skip it once you're out of danger you will probably have more chances to try to make it a proper skip it okay yeah temporarily devastating okay i see where you're going there for ron uh good idea i'm i'm putting my pants on all right and my clothes and i just grab the stuff that the barbarians normally have okay i grab a great axe and a javelin as you guys are all getting uh dressed you see also that the shape-shifting girl uh who says oh by the way my name is everything just so you know going forward forward. I get it.
Starting point is 00:22:25 Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, she finds amongst all this detritus, a big old sack full of shit. And she goes, I feel like we could go splitsies on this. So there's four things in here. I'm gonna go ahead and describe them to you. Okay. And she opens it up to you
Starting point is 00:22:39 so you can see that she's not lying. Okay. There's a hat, there's a jug, there's a perfume, and there's a small bag of beans. I instantly grabbed the perfume. Oh, Carol would love this. Okay. There's a hat, there's a jug, there's a perfume, and there's a small bag of beans. I instantly grabbed the perfume. Oh, Carol would love this. Okay. Okay, so in your inventory, add that you have the perfume of bewitching.
Starting point is 00:22:53 Ooh. The tiny vial contains magic perfume enough from one use. You can use an action to apply the perfume to yourself, and it lasts for an hour. For that duration, you have advantage on all charisma checks directed at humanoids. Sorry, really quick. Sorry I took the perfume without asking you guys. It's okay if I bring this to Carol? Sure, I guess so, yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:09 I'm going to go for the jug. I would like the hat. She's like, I mean, I was going to go with like half and half, but yeah, you can... Yeah, fuck me, right? You can have them all, I guess. I'll just steal some of the other shit right here. Well, it seemed like you had everything you needed. So she just sort of throws the hat at you,
Starting point is 00:23:26 but it's like very clearly discussed about it. So you can go into your inventory and add the Hat of Vermin, which I will describe to you thusly. This hat has three charges. While holding the hat, you can use one action to expend one of its charges and speak a command word that summons your choice
Starting point is 00:23:39 of a bat, a frog, or a rat. Oh my God, this is so perfect for you. The summoned creature magically appears in the hat and tries to get away from you as quickly as possible. The creature is neither friendly nor hostile and it is not under your control. It behaves as an ordinary creature if it's kind and disappears after one hour.
Starting point is 00:23:54 It dies after an hour? I mean, it just vanishes. It's not real. And the hat regains all of its charges at dawn. So every day you can use this three times. So you can just get three rodents? Yeah. I mean, a frog is not a rodent.
Starting point is 00:24:10 It's fair. It's fair. So, did you get the jug? I got the jug, yeah. Okay, so you got the alchemy jug. The alchemy jug is a ceramic jug that appears to be able to hold a gallon of liquid and weighs 12 pounds. Sloshing sounds can be heard from within when it's shaken, even if it's empty. You can use an action and name a liquid from the table below, which you'll see when you add it to your inventory,
Starting point is 00:24:26 to cause the jug to produce the chosen liquid. Afterwards, you can uncork the jug as an action and pour that liquid out for up to two gallons per minute. The maximum amount of liquid in the jug depends on the liquid that you named. So you can make stuff like wine, water, salt water or fresh, vinegar, oil, beer, which we're going to say, if Daryl uses it, will be his particular brew.
Starting point is 00:24:44 Nice. Mayonnaise, honey. Mayonnaise. And then poison or acid. What kind of acid? oil beer which we're gonna say if daryl uses it will be his particular brew nice mayonnaise honey and then poison or acid what kind of acid what kind of mayonnaise what kind of acid is it like the good hoffman stuff or is it like you know i mean let's say that depends on the the he who wields the sword ah so acid in the sense of lsd then oh okay that's actually interesting yeah if you do it and you roll for acid then yeah let's do that okay okay okay um and then the final thing a bag of beans uh which one of you is going to take that i think that was hers because we all each took one yeah you said splitsies there's
Starting point is 00:25:13 four of us so that's that's yours little lady just it's fine henry didn't want anything oh actually we do have a fourth friend. I mean, if we, if I could. Is it for, are you offering? I mean, yeah. All right. I was trying to be polite. Thanks. I put my hand out for it. Okay.
Starting point is 00:25:31 So roll. No, fuck it. She just gives it to you. I want you to have this item. Okay. Because this item is great. So this is a bag of beans. So right now, roll 3D4.
Starting point is 00:25:40 I got eight. Okay. So there are eight beans in this bag. When you take a bean out and throw it on the ground, you have to roll a D100, and depending on what you roll, something different will happen, which just for the sake of comedy,
Starting point is 00:25:52 I'm not going to tell you what the possible options are. It would also take a long time for you to roll a hundred. Tune into our bonus podcast where Anthony reads all 100 things that the bean can turn into. But yeah, they run the gamut from like a couple of mushrooms come out to like something massive happening so it's basically just you're gonna roll the dice and sort of see what happened everything just tell us that that's what
Starting point is 00:26:13 it does uh or should our characters not know what these beans are that's why I ask oh that's fair hey what do these beans do everything goes uh they look like weird magic beans I usually don't mess with them because they're too random I don't know they might do weird stuff if you throw them at the ground i i kind of don't want any any part of them and these other magical items kind of seem stupid so to be honest i'm gonna take all this stuff you guys are clearly not from around here you don't have a good sense of what's worth money so i'm gonna take all the stuff that's actually valuable and give you this stuff that i mean you don't know any better all right cool i'm glad you can be so upfront about us getting
Starting point is 00:26:45 swindled, but it's all good. I mean, one of your friends is a wolf, so you have bigger problems. We'll worry about that later. I feel like she knows everything. Oh, God. Now, if you guys don't mind, there is a man up there that we love, and we gotta go save him. I don't know if I love him. I mean, I'd go save him.
Starting point is 00:27:01 I'm just, you know, I don't know if I love him. Ron, if you were up there, I'd go up there right now and save, you know, I don't know if I love him. Ron, if you were up there, I'd go up there right now and save you. So let's go up there. Let's go. So before you even reach the top, you hear the sounds of combat. And once you actually reach the top of the tower, you see that the cult of the doodler is in combat with these innocent townsfolk who are going to be sacrificed, presumably. that the cult of the doodler is in combat with these innocent townsfolk who are going to be sacrificed, presumably. You can't see Boreanaz, though, and you also can't see Henry or his child because the elevator also seems to be missing. It's not here.
Starting point is 00:27:32 I run over to the edge of the elevator and I look down. So you see the tops of a lot of heads. You see four adult human men trying to beat up a wolf that is currently latched onto the face of Boreanaz, and Sparrow latched onto his knee. Henry, is that you? I'm overwhelmed by his beat. I go, Henry, don't worry. We got you something, too. And I pull the beans out, and I chuck the bag down.
Starting point is 00:27:57 Like, yes. Wait, so that, like, all of them go down? I don't know. How tight was that bag? Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yes. In my head, I was like, throw the beans. Okay, so here's what
Starting point is 00:28:12 I'm going to do. I'm going to fill this plastic bag that I brought all my dice in with exactly eight dice. Oh, my God. And I'm going to try to... I have a satchel, actually. I have a cool cloth satchel you could use. Oh, yeah? Go get that. It's funny, because on the item description for the bag of beans the very first thing it says is like
Starting point is 00:28:27 if somebody tries to throw all of them at once, here's how you do that. I'm like, but nobody would do that. That's insane. I'm literally not going to tell them about that because that'd be an absolutely absurd thing to try to do. If it matters, I would like to say that when Daryl got the bag, he definitely opened it up to look into it and he probably didn't tie in it very much
Starting point is 00:28:44 when he closed it. I mean, I buy that. Okay, I got it. Hold look into it. And he probably didn't tie in it very much. I mean, I buy that. Okay. I got it. Well, now hold on. You would have to throw this from something high.
Starting point is 00:28:49 I was considering going to the roof of your apartment, up to the ceiling. Well, no, here's what we can do. We have a, I have a stairwell right outside my place. Okay.
Starting point is 00:28:57 And you can chuck it down. Like how many stories? Like two stories. Yeah. I'd be like two stories. Yeah. Okay. All right.
Starting point is 00:29:01 Yeah. Let's do that. All right. Let's go. All right. We're going on the road. All right. Okay. So we are in the stairwell. Anthony's about to drop the bag to test how many beans fall out of it.
Starting point is 00:29:12 To simulate a proper two-story drop. So, Anthony, you good? Yeah, I think we got it. All right, three, two, one, drop. Oh! Have the bag, ladies! That was four. We got four. We got four. Oh, my God! Yes. Okay, ladies! We got four.
Starting point is 00:29:26 We got four. Oh, my God! Yes. Okay, should we see these all at once? I feel like the real experience is that you should roll and then tell us all four things that happened. That's how we would experience. All right. All right.
Starting point is 00:29:35 Well, I got to write them down, then. All right. Just a second. I'm very scared. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I do not have a lot of health, either. I just want to put that out there.
Starting point is 00:29:41 This is going to get gnarly. I'm excited to hear Henry's reaction reaction because I just want to be like, what's that, boy? A bunch of beans fell down an elevator shaft? What if it was just four of the lamest things in a row? I'm kind of hoping it is because I will die. Can we talk about
Starting point is 00:29:59 the weight limit and rating of this elevator? That's a good question, too. I do feel like we're starting to overload it. Oh, no. Oh, no. What? That was the one thing I was hoping you wouldn't roll. Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:30:13 Oh. Oh, no. This is going to be such a left turn. Okay, so let me tell you. Why did I give you this? I knew in my heart, I was like, don't give him this. Don't give him this. Don't give him this. You let me take it.
Starting point is 00:30:27 Yeah, why did I? Oh, my God. I wanted you to have it, but I just also didn't, and then now I'm fucking reaping the fruits of my labors. Okay, so first, three things that don't matter at all happen. Okay, cool. Let's hear them. Almost as if it's slow motion, you see the following.
Starting point is 00:30:46 One, a nest of five eggs springs up. Yes. If anyone wants to eat one, we can talk about that later. The second thing that happens is a geyser erupts from the center of the elevator shaft and spouts apple juice 30 feet into the air, so it like hits you guys in the face, for seven rounds. So those eggs are wet. Yeah, the eggs are now wet.
Starting point is 00:31:26 The third thing that happens is 11 pink toads appear. And whenever a toad is touched, it transforms into a large or smaller monster of my choice, which would seem like, oh, what a big deal. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Seems like a big deal. Seems like a very big deal.
Starting point is 00:31:42 Until a pyramid with a 60-foot square base bursts from the middle of the fucking elevator shaft. Yes! What? Yes! So the entire building is bisected by this spontaneously spawning 60-foot fucking pyramid. With apple juice guising out of the top of it.
Starting point is 00:32:10 With apple juice coming, like a fucking ejaculation of apple juice out of the top of it. And the fucking eggs that you could have eaten roll down the sides of it. And the fucking people on the, so all of you have to make. We're all sliding. Yes, all of you have to make dexterity saves. Because you are now on a slanted surface as this thing just grows under you. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:32:28 How steep of a pyramid are we talking here? It's decently steep. Well, you know that actually pyramids are pretty easy to walk on. If you've ever been to Egypt, they're not... No, no, no. They used to be smooth and flat. Anthony does not seem like a man to be well-actualied right now. That's all I'm going to say.
Starting point is 00:32:44 Well, actually, it's a staircase pyramid. I think we're perfectly fine. Anthony really wants us to parse the details of how hard we just fucked his night up. All right, dexterity. You fucking call down the thunder, and you will now reap the light. So we just all roll d20s? Listen, guys, I know what we're all thinking, and it's which way did the eggs roll? Yes.
Starting point is 00:33:02 That's true. Which way did the eggs roll? They all rolled off of one corner of the pyramid. All right, let me roll dexterity. Yeah, you're going to roll a d20
Starting point is 00:33:09 and then add your dexterity modifier. I did a crit fail. You did a crit fail? I have a one. Oh, no. I'm going to burn my inspiration.
Starting point is 00:33:17 I'll burn my inspiration on this one. because otherwise I was going to have to do something very violent. Yeah, I'll burn my inspiration on that one,
Starting point is 00:33:23 which was from a couple episodes i believe and then i add decks which is um a 19 okay way better i got a 17 i got a 17 as well i mean i definitely feel it i got seven okay so i guess it's fair that the dumb ass who threw down the goddamn beans is the only one to fail i like to to think I was real. I mean, Daryl definitely loves apple juice. For about three seconds, you were in heaven. Here's what happened. He followed the geyser up,
Starting point is 00:33:53 so he wasn't looking when the pyramid was rising up underneath his feet. He's like, wow. Okay, so in addition to that, remember, you guys are halfway up this tower, so this fucking pyramid bisected the tower, and it's now rickety in the middle of this goddamn tower. So what I'm going to do is,
Starting point is 00:34:10 this is real stupid, but why not do it? Can you hand me extra D6s? Are you building a tower out of dice? So what I'm going to do is I'm going to build a tower for dice and have the pyramid on top of it right there. And if at any point anyone of us has accidentally knocked down the tower, I'll just say that the pyramid also falls okay all right so we gotta be real gentle
Starting point is 00:34:28 right and then everything above the pyramid just is immediately fucking sloughed off and sort of falls to the ground this big massive skyscraper is now was this the level of all the people in the spike pits above us yeah so all the people in the spike pits above you get pushed off so it's just raining hell yes every bad thing
Starting point is 00:34:43 is happening these people are falling off the sides of the goddamn thing above you get pushed off. So it's just raining hell. Yes. Every bad thing is happening. Body starts flying. Yes. People are falling off the sides of the goddamn thing. How high up are they? How high up is the pyramid? You were already basically near the top plus or minus a story of the skyscraper from Mario Kart 64. So you were that high.
Starting point is 00:34:57 So these guys are falling to their deaths. So when we make our saving throw, what happens when we save? So your saving throw is you attempting to grab onto this pyramid and not fall off to your deaths, essentially. So even though it's slicked by apple juice, the stickiness of it allows me, at least, to grab on and hang on with a good grip. Like a horrible Spider-Man. You handle on to it. Like Alex Honnold, free-climbing El Capitan.
Starting point is 00:35:18 We've all seen Free Solo. Free Solo, great documentary. So all of you managed to get a grip except for Daryl, who is sliding and is now just beginning to fall off. So what happened to me? You and Boreanaz and your son are all perched on the top. All of you, both of you hanging on the ground.
Starting point is 00:35:32 And by the way, all of you guys are like, because apple juice is spraying in your face. Covered in apple juice. Did Boreanaz make his saving throw? Oh, no, he didn't. He should. This may be the end of Boreanaz, sticky, covered in apple juice.
Starting point is 00:35:45 Oh, no! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My very first roll. What did you do? My God. He knocked the tower down. He knocked over the entire pyramid.
Starting point is 00:35:54 Oh, my God. I think that's fitting. I feel like no tower supported a 60-foot. This is medieval. Like, these are guys who didn't put guardrails in. There's no way they put in enough of a foundational support on their bullshit towers to be able to hang on to it. What're all on the pyramid it just kind of crunches down here's the thing the pyramid begins to fall over and uh it's crushing the tower beneath it so it's falling a
Starting point is 00:36:14 little bit more slowly than you might otherwise think so everybody except for daryl is totally fine but daryl you're gonna have to take some damage because you didn't get quite good enough purchase with your hand so your your head smashes against the wall of the pyramid. So go ahead and take a D6 of damage. Daryl Wilson took five damage. Okay. And with a shuddering boom and an explosion of dust outward, the pyramid crushes the pit of myriad delight. My God.
Starting point is 00:36:39 So all those people having an orgy just got destroyed by. They're fine. It kills the fighting arena. Okay. So all the people who are having the orgy stop for a second and stare at the pyramid and they go right back to it. Just goes to show you that love
Starting point is 00:36:51 overcomes all obstacles. A shockwave resonates through the pyramid as it lands, so everybody make another dexterity saving throw. 13, Anthony. So I got a 15. I got an 18. Alright, that's good. I got a 2. Oof. Oof. Yeah. So everybody, that's good. I got a two. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:09 So everybody except for Ron Stampler seems to be fine. Actually, sorry, Boreanaz is going to... I forgot. That's what caused all this. Okay, so Boreanaz gets 16. He's fine. He's just got such a strong foundation and base. He's not falling over easy. Look at that guy.
Starting point is 00:37:18 Okay, so you're going to fall pretty badly. I want to do that vertical limit, like stab my javelin in and like slide and try to reach for Ron. Okay, let's do that. Best movie. So why don't you roll
Starting point is 00:37:29 an attack against the pyramid. Just see if I like break the stone? Yeah. See if you can wedge it into a crack or not. I'm just going to go ahead and roll for damage
Starting point is 00:37:37 because I rolled a one so I'm assuming you're going to let me hurt myself. Yeah, you're going to start following too. So I'm going to throw my nunchucks
Starting point is 00:37:43 for whoever's closest to try and like have that'll be that'll almost certainly be Daryl because he just fell while I'm in peril. Am I allowed to do anything? Absolutely. What would you like to try to do? I would like to use the hat of vermin to release frogs who have sticky
Starting point is 00:38:00 little frog hands. Maybe they will help me stick to the side of the pyramid. Okay. That's what I would like to do is I would like frogs. All right. We'll do one action at a time here. Let's do Beth's first.
Starting point is 00:38:13 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Ron, you summon three frogs simultaneously. Can I get more? Three is the most you can get in a day. That's unfortunate. Yes, I would like three frogs. That's three limbs. You just crush them under your hands. That's a little stickiness on would like three frogs. That's three limbs. You just crush them
Starting point is 00:38:25 under your hands and that's a little stickiness on your hands. So what we're going to do is you're going to roll stickiness for each frog. Yes. Yes.
Starting point is 00:38:33 You're going to roll a D6 for each frog. Okay. If you get a five or a six, they are sticky enough to stick on to the pyramid.
Starting point is 00:38:42 And if they're four, they just look great. Yeah. Hot dice. Hot dice. Frog number one. Oh, they just look great. Yeah. Hot dice. Hot dice. Frog number one. Oh, my God. That's a six.
Starting point is 00:38:48 All right. Yes. One frog. Stick. Boom. Sticks perfectly in there like a fucking Catwoman handhold. Yes. All right.
Starting point is 00:38:54 Now roll this one. God, how did you do that? Six. She got the six. All right. Yes. Now roll another one just to see what the third one does. I don't even know what the third one's for.
Starting point is 00:39:03 You know those things when you do push-up helpers? Yeah, like the perfect push-up handles. So I'm imagining that's what it is. You're holding onto the frogs' handles, and the frogs are like fingers and hands splayed onto this pyramid, eyes bugged out, totally confused. They were created seconds ago, and the first thing they feel is the icy grip of a human being around them,
Starting point is 00:39:24 and they're just gripping on for dear life all right the third fog just like just slides straight fucking down okay so you are means you're now ribbed to the wall i might fall just because of that i literally might oh god i need to come up with some other punishment because giving you guys damage was too good and i missed that already. Does he get inspiration for that? Yes, you absolutely get inspiration. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:48 Without question. So Ron is safe for now. So you're going to nunchuck Daryl. All right. So I roll a 16. I think that's good. Describe what happens. As I see my friend start to lose his grip so enraptured by the apple juice,
Starting point is 00:40:00 I concentrate, I think of all the hours. So enraptured by the Apple Juice is the name of this episode No I wanted Chekhov's Snake That'll be the episode where he comes back like three years from now I call upon hours of watching YouTube videos on the road of Bruce Lee maneuvers of guys teaching you how to do nunchuck tricks
Starting point is 00:40:24 I whip out the nunchucku and I whip them towards Daryl's legs because he's splayed away from me. And I wrap them around his ankle and I hold on to dear life as he is like splayed out, leaning face forward towards almost certain doom, if not for these nunchucks. Awesome. How does Daryl react to all this? Since they're wrapped around my legs, I think I just look up. i look up i go thanks there glenn that's it okay cool um so i mean because she's stuck she ron is already safe i think daryl's definitely looking for where henry is that means you look up and you see you're basically you managed to hang on to uh boreanaz
Starting point is 00:41:02 right yeah yeah so i'm still on the top of the mount he held on with like fucking knuckles made of steel then you held on to him too and so did your unconscious son wait i just don't understand what happened to his other son yeah i was about to bring that out oh my god so it's up to you as to what you do now because right now you realize you've all realized simultaneously oh my god what happened to lark because that floor and all the ones beneath it were presumably crushed. Sparrow is still up top, grabbing onto Boreanaz's knee, even though he's unconscious, and with a knife sticking out of his shoulder blades.
Starting point is 00:41:33 What do you do? Okay, my jaw falls off of Boreanaz's face. Okay. Immediately. And I'm in wolf mode, still. Does a wolf have, like, sense? Yeah, it's gotta be like a smell. Like a search and rescue thing.
Starting point is 00:41:46 This is actually really good. Yeah. He has advantage on any perception check. Oh shit. Okay. I want to see if I can suss out what happened to myself. Well, I think you got a sniff sparrow and use that sense to find his brother.
Starting point is 00:41:57 Yes. I take a big whiff of sparrow and then he's still unconscious. He's still unconscious that I'm going to deal with in a second because at least I know where he is. And then I'm going to try to do a perception check to see if I can find Lark. And what I'm hoping is the rubble of this crazy thing that just happened. All right, go ahead and roll a perception with advantage. OK, that's a 17 and that's a seven. I'm going to take the 17.
Starting point is 00:42:21 So you follow the scent of your comatose child to find your non-comatose child. And the scent leads you through a pile of rubble that is far deeper than you would like. And your heart sinks more and more the further and further you dig into this rubble. Underneath a bunch of bricks, you nuzzle one aside with your nose
Starting point is 00:42:40 and you see Lark's hand just sort of like peeking out from them like Arnold going into the lava. But no thumbs up but no thumbs up just his hand okay i am going to can i tell if he's dead you could try to like move up against see if there's like i nudge him i i nudge him to sense both his temperature and his general sort of pulsing all right well-being he feels fur on him and his hand just sort of like starts moving and starts twitching and like touches you and is like just trying to feel around and trying to get out okay um i try to nudge him to like grab onto my fur so i can pull him out so we do we see this pile of rubble is there a lot of it most of the things surrounding you right now is rubble it's either
Starting point is 00:43:18 rubble or it's the remains of the uh the circle of chaos and the orgy pit is right next and the orgy pit's right there's a ton of people there. I think Daryl stands up to the pit. He's heartbroken as he watches Wolf Henry digging into this rubble, and there's a mountain full of rubble. Yep. And I turn and say, everybody,
Starting point is 00:43:35 stop fucking for one goddamn second. There's a young child in that pile of rubble. One of them's like, that's not our thing. There's one, there's a child in that pile of rubble. We don't do that. We's not our thing. There's one. There's a child in that pile of rubble. We don't do that. That's where we draw the line.
Starting point is 00:43:48 And it needs your help. Can you help us take him out of the rubble? All right, roll persuasion with advantage. I got 16. They all stop fucking for a second, and they go, oh my God, a kid's in trouble? We are both sex positive and really care about children's issues, so absolutely trouble we are both sex positive and really care about
Starting point is 00:44:05 children's issues so absolutely we're gonna come and help you and all we're gonna come then help you yeah yeah just second just second all right where's your kid where's this kid what's going on you know what despite what i've been told by the church you all seem like pretty good people let's go save the kid all right about two dozen naked people still glistening in all kinds of fluids. Weird. This is like a Jodorowsky movie. Yeah, this is fucking insane. Remember back in the day when we thought
Starting point is 00:44:34 that snake bowing to you was the weirdest thing that was going to happen? Meanwhile, Ron is rappelling down a pyramid frog by frog. Yelling at the third frog who has descended, hey, help that kid, frog. I feel likelling at the third frog who has descended. Hey, help that kid, frog. I feel like, by the way, I'm looking up and I'm seeing Boreanaz probably struggling post face bite.
Starting point is 00:44:54 Yeah. I feel like this is like not rock and roll. Everything that this guy's done is hella not rock and roll. So I'm going to do some flourishes with my fucking nunchucks and go after this dude. Okay. Check on my kid while you're up there, the unconscious kid. I can't hear you over the whirring of nunchaku over on my ears. So while the
Starting point is 00:45:12 naked army of woke people start... Third potential episode title. I was saying that's the name of my band. Start getting rid of the rubble in the show of solidarity. You run up and you just swing it in with a nunchuck.
Starting point is 00:45:29 So here, I would like to propose a mechanic with the nunchucks. I'd like to just, how do you feel about this? Okay. I can roll d20s to flourish them. Of course, every flourish is a risk because I could nut myself with them. Yep. But every time I do, I feel like I get like a plus one to whatever the eventual roll is. So I could sit there and do 20 flourish. Do you know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:45:47 Like, I feel like there should be. Here's what we do. We do that, but every time the number that results in a nutting gets increased. Okay. You rolled again. You got to get more than three. You rolled again. You got to get more than a four.
Starting point is 00:45:57 Yeah. So basically it builds on itself. All right. So as I'm walking up. And this is just to hit. This is not necessarily. Yeah. Just to hit.
Starting point is 00:46:03 Just to hit. All right. So flourish one. That's a two. You just to hit. This is not necessarily damage. Yeah, just to hit. Just to hit. Okay. So flourish one. That's a two. You immediately nutted yourself. So I walked up. I was ready to flourish. Okay, I'd like to say,
Starting point is 00:46:13 I think I invented a really cool mechanic for nunchucks, and I'm really glad that the first move was, I go up, and I'm like, listen up, you son of a bitch. I'm going to show you what real pain is. And the first move I do just slams my nunchucks into my right testicle oh my god roll a club attack damage whatever that is so that's a 1d6 for the nunchucks so
Starting point is 00:46:33 that's two damage to me okay that's not so bad it could have been worse because i only have eight so that could have killed you killed myself okay so boriana sees you do this and he's like did we summon the doodlers? The only way any of this makes sense is if this is actually the end of the world. I feel like we nailed it. He turns around to the other cultists and he's like guys we did it. We fucking did it. And he sees
Starting point is 00:47:00 that Lark is biting on his leg and he's like get the fuck out and he like grabs him and just sort of like tosses him down and he sort of rolls like all slack down. I do nothing to stop him as I am recoiling from nutting myself with the nunchucks.
Starting point is 00:47:11 He's like, I guess I need to see what this new world has to offer and he just starts walking down the pyramid. He's like, I feel like I won. I did it.
Starting point is 00:47:19 It's great. Welcome to the world of the doobler. Can I ask Boreanaz to help me up with my frogs? Because he's walking down. Yeah. Is that what you say?
Starting point is 00:47:30 Well, I would probably charm him in some way. You can roll persuasion. You just got to say what you're going to try to say to charm him. I will say that the way that collared shirts fit him is very nice. Alright. Just going straight for the compliment, huh? Roll persuasion. So you're just saying that to him
Starting point is 00:47:50 as he's walking by. This is a nine. He goes, fuck off! And just keeps walking. It's just me and my frogs now. You fell a little ways before you hit with the frog, so if you let go,
Starting point is 00:48:02 you would just sort of slide down and not take any damage. I would like to hit with the frog. So if you let go, you would just sort of slide down and not take any damage. I would like to keep holding the frog. Jesus Christ. So we're just digging into the rubble. Okay, so you are now basically out of combat. Everybody that wanted to hurt you feels like they got exactly what they wanted. Yeah, apparently. So you and the
Starting point is 00:48:19 naked people managed to successfully extricate Lark from the rubble, and now you've got a barely conscious Lark and a not conscious Sparrow. And all the people in the town, the medics and alchemists and wizards and the cops are all coming to this zone of destruction, essentially. And the apple juice is still going,
Starting point is 00:48:38 right? The apple juice is still going and we'll go for another hour. According to the rules of Gary Gygax's Dungeons and Dragons. That apple juice still goes for an hour. I am parched. Yeah, I look for the first person of authority I say, hey, can somebody get some cups for this team effort around here? Can somebody get some cups? Everybody
Starting point is 00:48:57 have some apple juice. Good work, everybody. I turn back into a human. I'm naked. I spit some of David Boreanaz's face out of my mouth oh my god and then i rush to my two boys and i just start using my druid powers to heal them i'm gonna go ahead and cast cure wounds on my two sons and then i say does anyone see my pants come on guys let's go find his pants and i get all the naked people start going through the rubble for his pants so everything who is still in the armory stealing stuff is like, I got, I have this.
Starting point is 00:49:26 Also, what did you do? What happened? You seemed cool. You're not cool. We killed a lot of people, huh? I know. I thought we were tight because I was okay with murdering people, but I've never done anything on this scale.
Starting point is 00:49:42 We kind of blew this one pretty bad, boys. I mean, they were your beans. You were everything, everything that I wanted. I don't know what that means. Some of these people were my friends. But also probably some of your enemies, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, it doesn't really balance out like that, though.
Starting point is 00:49:58 Yeah. It was nice to meet you. I put my hand out. I should have never given you those beans. Oh, my God. This is on me. Oh, no. I need to rethink my life. I'm going to given you those beads. Oh my God, this is on me. Oh no, I need to rethink my life. I'm going to say this joke again.
Starting point is 00:50:09 Thanks for everything. See, I said it before and nobody laughed and I was like, darn it. She throws all of her ill-gotten gains to the ground and is just like, where's the nearest church? Daryl is staring very intently to see what happens to these beautiful boys as Henry is bringing them back to life.
Starting point is 00:50:26 So as you cure wounds on them, Lark comes to and is like, oh my god, did we do it? Did we do it? Where's the doodler? Where is he? Did I not get to beat him? Damn it, I wanted to beat him. Lark, we're going to have a long talk about this later. Right now, you're very grounded.
Starting point is 00:50:42 So as you say that, the cure wounds begins to take effect on Sparrow. And Sparrow, just like, this is for my wrestling fans out there, but if you're familiar with the way that the Undertaker sits up during a match, he sits up exactly like that. Just, boom, shoots straight up.
Starting point is 00:50:59 He goes, blah. Ooh, apple juice. What's going on? Oh, what happened? Dad, what happened? Did I go into wolf mode? Tell me I went into wolf mode. We'll talk about that later.
Starting point is 00:51:10 Henry, I think you should ground this child too. It's only fair that if I ground one of you, I ground both of you for causing so much mischief. And to be fair, I cause a lot of mischief too, so I'm self-grounding. We're all grounded, all three of us. I mean, I feel like I changed my tune. It feels a little unfair, but like, apple juice, so like, whatever.
Starting point is 00:51:28 I'm pretty stoked right now. Grounding is lifted, because I'm so happy to see you both. Alright! Group hug, guys. I put my pants back on, and then I hug my two kids. Sparrow returns happily. Lark is just fuming, because he thinks he lost his chance to kill the guy. Oh, Lark. We're going to have a real bonding moment soon,
Starting point is 00:51:44 too, and you're going to want to be a love wolf. Just you wait, kiddo. He just says, hate apple juice. Who hates apple juice? Lark. Whoa. He's a dangerous boy. As this is happening, all the bluecoats in the town,
Starting point is 00:51:57 all the cops and stuff like that are looking around trying to see what happened. What's all this then? And freaking out. And you see a lot of people starting to point in your direction. Ooh. But you can also see your van inside because you parked right next to the place and thankfully it is unharmed guys i think we got a skedaddle here real quick i've been listen there's one rule of the road it's when you wreck a hotel room you don't walk by the front
Starting point is 00:52:21 desk on the way out you take the fire exit i think it's time we get the hell out of Dodge. Thanks, Neverwinter. You've been great. All right. I think we're rushing to the van. Van, van, van, van, van, van, van, van. Go, go, go, go, go. Perfect.
Starting point is 00:52:35 I'm just going to say you get away with it because there is so much chaos going on. On the way, you can slow your run a little bit to try to pick up one of the eggs, if you wish. Will I have to drop a frog to pick up an egg? But yeah, you'd have to drop one of the frogs. Actually, no, they're sticky. Yes, I would like to put one frog next to the other in one hand
Starting point is 00:52:52 and have a free hand for an egg. All right. So go ahead and roll a sleight of hand as you run. So that's 14 plus 2. 16. 16. Okay, great. So you scoop them up as you run. You don't even have to slow your stride. As you, Daryl, almost get to the car, a hand reaches out and touches your arm and you turn
Starting point is 00:53:14 and you see that it's the lizard man that you accidentally spared in the combat at the cells. And he goes, thank you so much. If you hadn't let me live, if you hadn't let me go, I would have been up there. That could have been me. Hey, buddy, you never told us your name
Starting point is 00:53:31 and we're getting the hell out of here. So if you want to ride, you can come along with us. Oh, I think I do. My name is CERN and I will follow you anywhere and do anything you wish. I now owe what we in my culture call
Starting point is 00:53:44 a Wookiee life debt. I go, all right. I put my hand out and say, Darrell Wilson, welcome to the team. He's just glad to be aboard, sir. Glad you're aboard CERN. He doesn't know how to laugh. His laugh comes off as just a scream. Sorry, that's how I laugh.
Starting point is 00:54:06 I really like this CERN guy. Yeah. All right. So we all run to the minivan. Yeah. As you drive away, the blue coats sort of realize like, oh shit, it's them. And they start firing arrows at you, but you're just too far gone. And you sort of drive into the sunset.
Starting point is 00:54:20 And guess what, bitches? That's what modern technology. You can't get arrows through this bad boy. All right. Whose kids are we rescuing next? Actually, after seeing how that went, I think I'm going to hold off on saving my kid. Looks like we're saving Glenn's kid.
Starting point is 00:54:37 We're going after Glenn's kid. So as you are all driving off into the sunset, Sparrow says, Dad, I feel nauseous. I feel like... I feel... And his eyes have rolled back into his head. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:54:51 And when they roll back, the corneas are purple. Oh, my God. And he says, You have found your children, but you have not learned anything. If only you had been more intelligent. If only you had been more intelligent. If only you had saved more people. You have proven you are unworthy as a father.
Starting point is 00:55:17 You do not deserve these children. And before your eyes, they begin to fade out of existence. Lark! Sparrow! What's going on? Sparrow reaches out and goes, Dad, did I do good? You did good, boy. I'm coming for you. They wink out, and that's the last thing that they hear before they vanish from your car. Do we have to say them again?
Starting point is 00:55:36 Because, like I said, it was... It was, uh... I guess it was kind of inconvenient the first time. It's gonna be all right. It'll be all right. Cause that's just life. I guess it was kind of inconvenient the first time. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Burch as our daddy master, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler,
Starting point is 00:56:05 and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song by Maxton Waller. Rant at us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads. Find premium dad memes and join the episode discussion on our Facebook group at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads. For all of you out there asking us to try and make this a one a week podcast, I hear you.
Starting point is 00:56:20 We're trying to figure that out. But in the meantime, Matt, Will and myself have another podcast called Story Break where we have an hour to come up with a pitch for a movie or tv show some of our favorite episodes include a feature film on why the chicken crossed the road the flow from progressive movie and one where we figure out a duke nukem feature film uh beth has also been a guest for a couple of those episodes and so will anthony one of these days if he ever returns my call so if you want more podcasts do check that out big shout out to everybody everybody leaving iTunes reviews and recommending our show to your friends. This show is tons of
Starting point is 00:56:48 work, but doing it is a total joy. And every time you help us out in that way, you help us grow. So thank you everybody so much. Looks like the real unsung heroes are all of you out there. Next episode coming at you April 9th. So until then, remember, turn on your headlights if it's raining because it helps visibility for everybody. There was a time when you could read between the lines You know they never brought you down Never brought you down What is peak Boreanaz for you?
Starting point is 00:57:20 Peak Boreanaz? This is what peak Boreanaz looks like. Okay, so season two of Buffy when he goes and jealous for half the season i just think it's like david borean is really having fun in that role and really expanding beyond his like grungy sad boy routine which is it works it's hot as hell season one and half of season two of buffy but when there's that other element it's like this is a three dimensional man I am dating and yeah he's dangerous but that's what 90s television is about

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