Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 52 - Pap-Papillon

Episode Date: February 23, 2021

The dads and Jodie showdown with the prison warden and offer a bargain.This episode contains profanity, sexual content, and violence.Get Beth May's poetry book! The Immortal Soul Salvage Yard on Amazon or Barnes & NobleSupport the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Jodie Foster is Jimmy Wong (@jfwong)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCourtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of daddies. A dimension of dungeons. You're moving into a land of rats who talk and rats who can't talk. Of good ideas and terrible dice rolls.

You've just crossed over into the doo-doo zone. and terrible dice rolls. You've just crossed over into the doo-doo zone. Consider the scene before you. Four fathers from another world attempting to break their childless friend out of a maximum security penitentiary. The woman who stands in their way is an elk with glasses, suspenders, and a strong distaste for billionaires. Having just failed to convince her to release their friend peacefully,

a fight has broken out. But unbeknownst to them, just under their feet, the very subject of all this conflict sleeps soundly next to an enthusiastic but silent rat. And this complete dum-dum, who was nearly free before he decided to waltz back into a room full of sleeping gas, is about to wake up. But unlike the mornings after many of his other countless benders, he won't be waking up to a world of day-old tequila, dank kush, and three missed messages from his little boy. No, today Glenn Close wakes up in...

The Doo-Doo Zone. What's up all you cowboys and cucumbers? It's Jody on the roadie and today on this long stretch of pavement, I haven't seen another car in five hours. So you know what that means? We got a brand new episode of Dungeons and Daddies on deck. Nicholas is like, yeah. Not a BDSM podcast, of course. Yeah. Howdy do. This is a show yeah. Not a BDSM podcast, of course. Yeah.

Howdy do. This is a show about a slick-talking, fun-loving group of guys. Yup, all guys. You got their big, dumb butts up to some big, dumb trouble after they bust through a portal riding in their big, white minivan. They're out in this strange new land

looking for their lost children, and it's been a real who in the holler so far. I love my cowboy dad. So hope you enjoy the long drive ahead. Well, Ted Fork, Ted Flare, good buddy, come on back now, you hear? No! I got a bear in the air

and Smokey on my ass. The combination of not wanting something and then also not wanting it after it happens, not asking for it, not wanting it, not being okay with it,

that's what it is. Can season two please be a trucker podcast? Can we play four truckers lost in the forgotten realms rolling on a convoy to never win we never see each other in person we only talk to each other on the radio it's all through cb we'll do a thing that's in the cars universe where you're four trucks oh my god yes oh my gosh has everyone seen the movie convoy with chris christopherson

that's your fucking ass i have sexy man fucking getting in a bar fight. Has anyone seen the movie Cars? Cars. Have you seen Cars? Have you guys seen this? It's a real sleeper hit. Maybe two more. Amazing.

Anyway, hi, my name is Jimmy Wong. I play Jody Foster, a highway cop turned paladin, and my dad fact is exactly what you just heard. Jody would do that on the road quite often because there are some days where literally just nothing happens.

He was like on a small highway in the middle of nowhere, being a cop and a lot of time to pass. So he just spent a lot of time like doing stuff. Wacky shit. All right. Okay. Finally, another trucker enthusiast on the podcast.

I'm here for it. Oh no. What have I unleashed? I'm an assload of truckers. I feel like if there's two words that I could like invest GameStop money into for this is going to lead to something problematic, it would be trucker enthusiast. Hey, everybody. This is nonfiction dad Matthew Arnold playing a fictional dad named Darrell Wilson using the expertise and knowledge that can only come from a non-fiction dad to enlighten the truth and beauty of this fictional dad daryl wilson daryl wilson is a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian

upon entering this wonderful world of whimsy that we find ourselves in so little dad fact back in the day upon switching out the crib to a normal bed dorothy finally turned off her light and said i love you dad dad and went to bed for the first time in a crib that's you she learned how to lie that was just a dad fact about Dorothy and me because it just really made my day we have strayed so far from the lord's light in these intros

it's awful you know what fuck it I'll go next I had a dad fact but you know what I don't think I deserve one so go ahead Beth Matt's got real dad facts. We're all jealous. That's why. All right, Beth, I want to hear it.

Give me some dad fiction. I mean, seriously, she turned off her own light and said goodnight. That is really cute, honestly. Like, first night without a crib. Matt, I'm throwing up in my mouth right now. Okay, that's all. Okay, my name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, an emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that Ron's favorite game show is Jeopardy

because he relates to the answers being questions. Sometimes you just don't know. Sometimes you're genuinely asking things. Like, you know, what is the Grapes of Wrath, you know? That's true. Well, hey there, gear jammers and pedal slammers.

I'm Papa Billy driving 18 wheels, a big wheel steel down Highway 9, 10-4, 10-4. Good buddy, watch out for those bears in the air. We're heading eastbound and down for lost wages. That's what we truckers call Las Vegas here. Eastbound and down. My dad fact is while Matt was talking about how much his daughter loves him or whatever, I was just on the Wikipedia page for CB Slang Writing. No, really?

Amazing. I play the hard driving, hard drinking hard drinking crunchy munchy hippie dad it's my kind of man it's a trucker podcast now i play henry oak my dad fact about henry this week uh in the spirit of getting rowdy on this podcast since we've now revealed that henry canonically fucks i thought i would talk about henry's favorite sexual position. No. Which, of course, is mutual respect. Just kidding. He likes going down on people. Wait, hold up.

Do you guys hear that? What? It's like 9,000 Patreon subscribers unsubscribing. Damn. That's it. That's my tip. That's all I i got it's a wild one guys before the show we had about an hour's worth of technical difficulty so you're gonna get punchy dad energy tonight everyone it's a vibrant now i feel a vibe a bunch of punch drunk truckers so bad hey folks my name is freddie i play glenn close the hard rock and fast talking bard of the group. This week's Glenn fact,

Glenn would never abuse the CB radio waves like Jody would because he has a respect for the hardworking men and women who ride America's roadways, delivering the critical infrastructure and cargo that we all use and need. America runs on the back of truckers, and Glenn knows where the lines are drawn, and the line is, don't fuck around on CB radios. Those truckers need those airwaves, Jody. Yeah, but they're not going to hear Dungeons & Daddies if he doesn't do it.

He literally has to recite the whole thing by himself. It's crazy. He's our street team. Yeah. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Speaking of voices, my dad fact today is I'm trying to do more impressions,

but I don't want to waste your time. So I'm only going to do impressions that are one syllable long. So here's my impression of Patrick Warburton. All right. Shit, that was, that was very good. That's hot.

Holy shit. That's very very good that's hot holy shit that's very good that's hot when we last left off the group managed to talk their way into the office of warden Elizabeth Warden

of the meth bay correctional facility and after Elizabeth Warden tried to cut off one of your hands for wasting her time after she took

75% of your gold, you basically started a fight, and we rolled for some initiative. We started a fight. Somebody tries to cut off our hands, and Anthony's read of that is we started a fight. I feel like that's how it's going to go down in Elizabeth Wharton's report of this figure.

Right, right, right. Anthony, as the DM, would you say you're the truck driver of this podcast? And if so, would you honk the podcast horn for me? Aw. Ugh. Ugh. I'll just do my thing.

I know. Yay! I swear to God, that's going to be your new text message notification. Yeah. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Amazing.

Everyone, roll for initiative as you go into this fight with Elizabeth Warren. 21. I got a 14. I got a 13. I got a 12. You're making it very convenient for me. Thank you. So Elizabeth Warren is going to take her turn first.

She is going to spend a move galloping out of her office. I forgot she was an elk. does she have opposable thumbs anthony no she has uh really articulate hooves there must be like jimmy you play dungeon dragons there must be some sort of reaction we technically should get an attack of opportunity you have an attack of opportunity as she passes by you what would you like to do now does an attack of opportunity. You have an attack of opportunity as she passes by you. What would you like to do? Now, does an attack of opportunity, is that just like its own thing so I don't get like the same?

It's a basic melee attack. So nothing sexy, nothing cool. Just roll whatever your hit is for your weapon. And don't do it sexy. Okay, I'll try not to do it sexy. 12 inches between the dice and the table for the Holy Ghost. Okay, I'm going to grab, I'm assuming she's got like filing on her desk.

Yeah, do you want to try to give her a lethal paper cut? No, no, no, no, no. I just get a bonus if I use spontaneous weapon. Yeah. Okay. So she's got a mug that says world's best mom. And in parentheses, this one was not given on backwards day. I don't grab that.

What I grab is the, you said there was filing on her desk, right? Yeah. There's like papers and stuff. Fucking punish her administratively. You know, like in a Kung Fu movie where you like, you know, like a Jackie Chan with like a chair, like I'm going to try to get that in her hooves to help me grapple her because i can do a bonus grapple when i do my cavern with paper no no no files like you know like like a stack like three you know like a lot of paper yeah that's just much paper you're just describing

what if paper but more like in the animated mulan sorry jimmy it's like in the animated she uses the fan through the sword and flipper what do you call it when you store paper in like three stacks on a desk with like you know labels you know it's like a piece of plastic with three drawers you know like where you have file your paper like a binder like a hard spine binder like you might use in elementary school with folders inside with different pictures of your favorite wrestlerslers? Tiny drawers, shelves that hold paper. A filing cabinet? A filing cabinet.

You want to grab a filing cabinet and hit her with a filing cabinet. Why don't you just grab her by the legs, Daryl? Hey, why don't you punch her? This makes me question. She's running past you. You're not going to have time to pick up a filing cabinet and hit her with it as she gets past you. Punch her with your meat hands, you idiot.

How can I raise a perfect two-year-old daughter if I can't describe the most basic thing on top of a desk? Tomorrow you're going to tuck her into bed. She's going to turn off her own light and go, Daddy, what is filing? Oh, Matt, you're talking about like one of the little boxes on your desk that you put files in. Yes, like an inbox. To Matt's credit, I don't know what to... An inbox outbox. Yes, an inbox type thingy.

Sorry, what a fucking specific thing to ask for to use... Just punch the thing! I love how this shows none of us have ever worked at an office. You want to know, did she have this on her desk? The answer is no.

I punch her in the face. Okay, fine. I punch her in the face. Roll an arm strike. Fuck it. Can I still do a grapple afterwards? That's all I'm trying to get to is grapple.

If you hit her, instead of doing damage, you can grapple her, sure. Okay, fine. Not to be difficult, but I do think she would have one of these on her desk. Yeah. No, she's so effective that you don't even need an inbox. The second it hits her desk, it's in the outbox.

15. 15 is not going to do it. So you throw a punch, and it just glances off of one of her gorgeous elk antlers, and it is deflected away as she continues to run so she sprints past you and leaves the room and you're like oh cool she probably left but then she rears up on her back hind legs and turns around exactly what henry says he says oh cool she probably left she rears up on her hind legs turns around lowers her head

and then charges at you oh daryl was so sure she left because he sold it so well that he's already rummaging through her drawers. Be like, alright, she left. Oh, perfect. Then she gets advantage. Oh. Anthony's taking no hostages tonight, boys. Watch out. Okay, so she rolls a 19. I'm assuming a 19 is higher than your AC. Yes. So she's going to

attack you for 18 damage as her elk antlers bonk into your meaty chest chest and it's going to knock you flat onto your back prone so any subsequent attacks against you that are melee based will have advantage while you are prone but she didn't know that you were about to go next so it's your turn next daryl definitely had like an uncle that had like a farm and daryl's definitely been like hit by a goat before matt was hit by a goat when he was very young. He's been scared by goats. Yeah, like a goat rammed into me.

With a goat face? Like a little goat. You can love a bad name. I get it now. Thank you, Beth. Beth. Nice. Daryl's going to evoke rage

because an animal hit him in the chest and then he's going to pop up. Actually, no, he's not going to pop up. He's just going to sweep the legs. Ooh. Okay. Here's a question. How does Daryl feel about ufc is he a ufc guy would he know like he's like oh you got me on the ground big mistake my ground game is out of this world this is one place where

daryl and matt are very similar he definitely likes wrestling because it's fake he definitely thinks uh ufc like matt does is fucking barbaric and not much different than gladiator arenas and our society's fucked up for watching people beat the shit out of each other until they almost die um this is that's what daryl thinks of ufc he's a complicated man daryl enjoys funny goofy stuff where they pretend to hit each other daryl likes games like football where no one suffers in a permanent right now daryl goes no no no no no if somebody convinced daryl to watch that documentary he would probably be terrified to be fair what documentary the one with will smith yeah well no the one okay so he's gonna sweep the leg all right so 18 on sweeping the leg so that'll hit

what's your sweep the leg damage keeping in mind she has four of them yeah which which of them well that's why i got two attacks buddy i'm gonna pivot and hit the other legs all right six damage oh wow and then i'm going to use my second attack to do tavern brawl or strike to sweep the leg again but this time i don't know i'm gonna use what's something on the floor i can use oh weird one of those filing things are just on the floor but not on the. She took it off her desk and put it on the ground. She's like, I'll never need to use this. I grabbed the inbox,

grab wireframe inbox outbox thing from office Depot. Yes, exactly. I grab a pen plus gear, black two and one organizing system, metal file organizer set from Walmart. And I spin around on my stomach. So essentially I like swept the leg and then like

pivoted to another set of legs and are gonna sweep those as well dude i'm using the pen and gear black two and one filing set to give me that extra range to sure that's a natural 20 as you can see 20 plus seven that's a crit so roll double damage i'm gonna try to grapple her with this actually though the first hit you sweep the leg and her front two legs they kind of buckle in the knees now you're face to face with liz warren she goes oh it's gonna be like that is it and then now you're in a grappler i guess with your natural yeah so when i do that first hit i go this second hit's gonna hit 10 times harder get ready and then i go for that second hip instead of hurting her i just roll her over and like sit on her stomach okay like you know like when kids that bully other kids in like summer camp or whatever i'm just like sitting on her stomach you're gonna take the part of the bully

in this situation yeah i mean i feel like i'm pretty justified here again i'm about to cut off a hand you're not gonna make me feel morally bad about this anthony i just want to make sure that the cool woke dad that doesn't think ufc is okay is okay with sitting on somebody's uh belly like a bullet that's fine so yes daryl is sitting on her and says please please stop. Stop. We just want to save our friend. What are you doing? Okay, so she is restrained. Now it is Henry's turn. Henry gives a weary sigh and he says, Elizabeth Warden, I'm sorry

to say I'm a Bernie bro. And then he casts Flame Blade and busts out a flaming sword. What? Yeah, that's a thing he can do. I'm trying out new spells, guys. Could you not?

Make the rest of us mini-me look bad. I'm gonna, how the fuck does this spell work? You evoke a fiery blade in your hand. The blade is similar in size and shape to a scimitar, and it lasts for the duration, just like Henry. Nice, nice. I got a 10. The fiery blade gets caught in her antlers

and she huffs and like smoke comes out of her nostrils and she goes, Bernie, Bernie didn't win the nomination. I know, she said something sad about Bernie. Welcome to our new political trucker podcast, Dungeons and Daddies. I hate it. Meep, meep. Ronna, it is your turn.

I know that like we're technically fighting. I should do a fighting thing, but can I like rummage through her desk and see if there are any like sensitive documents I could blackmail her? Like what if there's a shredder? Actually, no, I'm going to threaten her with a shredder. Okay.

There's a medieval style paper shredder that is operated by hand crank that is over her trash can. Like an old fashioned lawnmower over a trash can. Exactly. And it's big enough that you could probably like fit a hand in, let's say. Oh my God, it's like Fargo. Just to give you a sense of its size, not to suggest you do anything specific with it. But yeah, you see that on the trash can under her desk. Okay, Ron picks it up and walks over to Elizabeth Worden with it and says, jealous how to get to the locked room or else I'm going to get your nose.

And he does the thumb thing like got your nose, but he holds up the paper shredder. Sorry, I just want to really quickly remind us all that Zone of Truth is still active. So if you can remember whether or not you were capable of lying from last episode, that should inform whatever you say to Liz Warden. Okay, I would really like to go in the other room. And if you won't let us, I'll probably figure out something bad to do with this paper shredder. I'm pretty wily sometimes. Why don't you roll intimidation?

Can I try to help for that role? Yes. As per usual, if you try to help, you will roll. And if you succeed, you'll give her advantage. And if you fail, you'll give her disadvantage. Look, to be perfectly honest, we don't want to hurt you. We're not really good at that. We probably won't actually want to hurt you.

I don't want to torture anybody. But also, just based on our record, even if we don't want to hurt you there's a good chance we will probably kill you because even we try not to hurt somebody we end up killing somebody so i think this will just go bad for you one way or the other so just like let's just all do this peaceful please just listen to ron all right so you roll intimidation now i got a 12 i got uh five it wasn't okay with a five daryl you say all that and goes, so the argument you're making is that I'm going to die no matter what happens, and therefore I should go peacefully?

That makes the opposite of sense. No, thank you. Now, Ron, roll again and take the worst of the two. Okay. Well, we're all going to die eventually. Setting us up for kind of failure there. Henry jumps in and says, because I'm in the zone of truth,

I'm also morally compelled to tell you that if they try to torture you, I'll probably freak out and try to stop them. That's what I'm saying. They'll probably cause an accident and everybody will die anyways. I got a nine. Elizabeth Warden looks at you and says,

no. Elizabeth Warden didn't get to where she is today by listening to the haters. And all I see when I look at you is a whole bunch of haters. Well, no offense, man, but right now you're pinned on the ground. So like, if this is where that got you,

maybe we should try something different. You know, like, right? I place a hand on Henry's shoulder and I walk past him and I go up to Elizabeth Warden. Yes, it is your turn. And I'm going to cast a very simple spell. It's called Command. And

I get to say one word command to a creature I can see within range and you have to succeed in a wisdom saving throw or they have to follow the command on its next turn. Okay. I'm going to walk up to Elizabeth Warden and kneel down next to her and straight to her face and just say, surrender. Whoa.

She got a 19, which I'm assuming. Oh my my god i can also pin someone that's grappled to like extra restrain her so can i just do that as well okay pile on and i look to daryl and i think like he's gonna need some help because those hooves they're very dexterous yeah two sets of hooves we can each get a different set of hooves yeah so i'm gonna try to grapple her other legs and just really like hog tie basically with daryl okay i feel like you don't have to roll for that that just happened so all four of her hooves are tied up now i just kind of be like dang it didn't work and then just grab on i'm like all right this this will do all right we're gonna put our hooves in warm water it's gonna be hilarious so now it is the guards turn so two of the putting

people guards we should close the door we should lock the two of the putting people guards. We should have closed the door. We should have locked the doors. We should have done it. Dammit. Through the wide open door and see two people straddling their boss. One of them is going to go in and grab Jimmy with a 16. Jimmy, can you roll it an opposed strength check? I got a 21. Wow.

Can't knock that boy over with a pail of water. Vavavum. I'm a big boy. The guard comes in and tries to shove you off, Jodi, but you are just so strong and your muscles are so tight. The second that those gauntlets touch you, they go rigid with like, oh my God, he's so buff. Did you guys ever get those Aikido demonstrations in school?

What? What? No. We went to the same school our whole lives. I never saw an Aikido demonstration. You were there. When? Did you get What? No. We went to the same school our whole lives and never saw an Aikido demonstration. Yeah, you did. You were there. When?

Did you get bullied? No, Aikido. Did Matt bully you? Did he get on top of you and say, this is Aikido? This is Aikido. Wait, you guys know

what Aikido is, right? Yeah, it's like when they flip you over and stuff. It's like a flippy dip martial art, right? We didn't go to Bill Gates school. We just went to normal school. We were lucky

to have a basketball that we could play with. Yeah. One time on my field day, they made everybody do the Macarena for exercise. I remember that. Freddie, I went to rich kid private school too. I never saw an Aikido demonstration. Dang it. Well, whatever then for the three people listening who got Aikido demonstrations. Well, that's probably what happened. Okay. I'll go. Could you phrase it as a silent ball joke? Then I'll get it. A silent ball was great. So with the first round of combat over, we're going to check in and see what's happening with Glenn.

What? I get to be here? No. Oh. When we last left Glenn, he had to run back into the cell to disguise himself. Top 10 greatest D&D plays of all time in the history of D&D, I think. I think that's probably fair. No, it's not. So you wake up before the other guards do.

You are surrounded, you now see, by six unconscious guards and a very cute unconscious rat who you were spooning. And the door is closed up at the top of the stairs there's no more gas the gas is now dissipated into the stone into the moss you have who knows how long before these others wake up at the risk of being a total psychopath here i would be like well fuck these people and i'm gonna cast fireball okay sure and just roast these fuckers who've been torturing me for years. Yeah, no, that's fair. No one would argue with that.

Whatever. I cast Fireball. They forgot to take my fucking vape, my legal modded vape out and I can use it to fucking blow flames. Again, you can just do the spells, but okay, sure. Yes.

So Fireball is definitely going to wake them up, obviously, when they get hit. But we've sort of established that they really don't like fire. And have you like, again, hitman style, like dragged all the bodies into one locations, basically, you know how in like Boy Scouts, they like to start a fire, you need to have air underneath it. So you can like form like a little like pyramid of like sticks, so that airflow can go through like I've literally set them up in such a way. So to maximize airflow, all the suits of armor immolate for a second. You can feel and

hear and most importantly, smell the sound of whatever's in these suits of armor being cooked. It is a smell I will remember for the rest of my life. Whether you want to or not. And I will associate with victory. So six different puddles of black ooze screaming and bubbling exit their suits of armor. And even as the fire dies down, they're quivering on the ground and they do not look as if they are going to go back into their suits of armor, either because they physically cannot or emotionally will not. And the rat wakes back up and goes. So now I'm going to get one suit of armor to put on put on yeah it's almost like i made them leave their

suits of armor so you could do this yes i'm gonna let it cool yeah and i'm gonna chill out the top of the stairs so i'm not aging as i'm letting it cool sure although it would probably cool faster because it's you know yeah it would probably cool pretty much immediately from your point of view yeah so i go up the stairs and i turn around immediately outside the magical barrier and come back and it's all cool And they're all rusted. It's been a hundred years. No, yeah, they're fine. Yes, they're all cool.

And then I take a suit of armor that looks the one closest to me and I don it. The right arm of the armor fits perfectly. The left arm and both legs, a little snug, kind of bulging out a little bit. So somebody rolled a perception check on you. They might be able to notice something's a bit amiss. Okay, that's fair. That's fair. But otherwise, pristine.

And then I awkwardly scooch back up above the door again and wait for someone to come feed me. Oh my God. Okay. I guess roll for acrobatics. 19 plus eight, 27. Fuck, okay, yeah.

So you like, if there were anybody awake other than the rat to hear it, they would hear the grunting and clanking of- Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk. Of you moving yourself back up into the alcove above the door. So you wait a few minutes and as is usually the case,

somebody comes down to bring you some goblin blood and you hear a familiar to chunk inside the door. The door opens and someone steps out. Now I'm going to do it right this time.

The moment they step in, I'm going to drop down while the door is still open. Yep. I'm going to drop down and tackle them. Fucking what I should have done the first time i

know so give me a strength check with advantage because they do not expect you to be there nor would anybody expect a fully armored man to be suspended in an alcove that's a six and then a 17 plus 118 oh thank god for that advantage so yeah describe what you do to this cat i fall down onto this other guard and so i basically compress them like an empty can of monster energy drink and i stop down on it and i flatten them immediately because i have so much momentum coming down so they're definitely shorter and then as a squat suit of armor i then boot it like pele down the stairs i'm like should have done this the first time you kick it and it just rolls down the stairs

and you are basically free to leave the room again. And I hold my hand out to the little, my little rat friend. I'd be like, sometimes it takes a couple of tries. Okay. Like don't, don't worry about it. The mouse shrugs as if to say it's a living and then climbs onto your hand. I'm like, Ooh, Ooh, ratatouille into my helmet with me so that, you know, so no one sees you. Yeah, okay, so I lift a little visor. Yeah, he climbs into the visor and you can feel him immediately grab two strands of hair just in case he ever needs to pilot you like a gator.

So if I ever get knocked unconscious, the rat takes over. Yes, he can still ratatouille you. All right, so now I'm exiting, finally, and I want to go up one flight of stairs to the next level and kind of peek and see what I could see. So as you go up the one flight of stairs, you see a very large set of double doors that are closed. You see another flight of stairs at the other end of the room, leaning upward to what looks like light. And you hear to the right through an

open door, you hear the angrily fighting and cursing voices of your not your former friends your current friends the daddies you hear the daddies fighting someone that sounds like a really progressive really intelligent like overqualified if anything person that you can't quite see but you can definitely hear from here they also she sounds like an elk um i'm gonna investigate those double doors. Yeah, go ahead and roll Arcana. 11 plus three, 14 Arcana. With a 14, you can tell that those doors

are definitely hiding a lot of magic. With only a 14, you can't tell exactly what the nature of that magic is. You can tell that some powerful magic is behind those doors. I want to open the double doors first just to see what the hell's going on. So go ahead and roll a sneak to make sure that nobody that's fighting can notice you're there.

10 plus 8, 18. All right, great. So they don't see you. So yeah, you can go over the double doors. And I want to open them. So as you open the double doors, you see two things immediately. First, at the end of this room, you can see a door with a little window inside of it that appears to be closed. And through that window, even from this distance, you can see swords, magic staffs, all kinds of equipment-y stuff. The other thing that grabs your eye, perhaps more violently, is the fact that the wall is covered in switches, like Frankenstein-esque, pull-the-lever-cronk-ass switches and levers. And looking at them, you can see a bunch of numbers.

And the numbers you're realizing are the same structure as your prisoner number. Is there any way I can target specific rooms? Why don't you roll perception for me? 16. Okay. So with a 16, you can see that every lever has a light on it and the color of the light changes according to what room that they're in. But more obviously you can tell that each of the levers has a different number appended to it. And that number has something to do with their prisoner number. So therefore, by seeing what the highest numbers are, you can see who came into the prison the latest, which would maybe help you with your friend's situation. I'm just going to flip one of these at random then one of the newer sets.

There's five, assuming that each one of the five corresponds to one of your friends. I'll just roll a D5 and just flip one at random. Okay. And I roll a three. So you could hear in the other room as one set of boots magnetizes to the ground. Huh, that didn't seem to do anything. Okay, and you said that there's a room full of weapons next to me. Yeah, there's a room full of what seems to be weapons,

gold, anything that's maybe been taken from prisoners is in this room. And it's just a locked door with a little glass window on the door so that you could tell what was inside without me having to explain it non-diegetically. I want to try and break the window. I want to punch the window. Okay, give me a strength check. I rolled a natural one on this. How do you try to smash it? With your fist or your elbow?

I try and use my elbow. But then you ever hit your funny bone? Yes. Like super hard and it just like kind of numbs your whole arm great yes i do that i'm like fuck okay so with that tremendous display of masculine strength done with we are going to transition back to the fight in elizabeth warden's office the first guard that rushes in tries to move Jody, finds that Jody is just too sturdy, gets frustrated, pulls out its sword,

and swings it down at you. So does a 17 beat your AC? Yes, it does. Okay, so it is going to do 17 damage to you as the sword chops into your shoulder. It just goes in a little bit, not that far, but it, and the blade is stuck in your shoulder now. The second baddie is going to run at Daryl okay it is going to try to shoulder charge you with all the momentum it can

muster and it might as well have not done anything it hits an unstoppable force that is daryl wilson and immediately gets knocked onto its knees and it looks back up on you, takes out a dagger, and tries to stab at you, Daryl. Oh, God. And it gets a 19. Ooh. So that's going to be 16 damage. I'm going to use Stone's Endurance to reduce the damage dealt to me by 1d12 plus 3. That's a 12 plus 3. Whoa.

So 15. Dude, you flexed your pecs so hard. No, no, no, no. She stabs into my forearm i go scar tissue baseball injury high school oh my god no feeling there i haven't felt that can't really drive well either my right hand's always like a little off but you know hey fucking can't feel his arm because of baseball but doesn't like mma okay there's a difference between baseball and MMA.

No, it's the exact same thing. As you say that cool, normal thing about baseball, you feel your legs begin to tingle. You feel your feet begin to vibrate and then you feel

your feet magnetize to the ground and you cannot move Daryl. Okay. Oh, just Daryl. I'm just like locked. I mean, I'm like locked. She's like locked even harder on for harder on the ground yeah so she's gonna try to struggle out with disadvantage she got a 17 so daryl why don't you roll a strength save to keep her down and jimmy you can

as well okay i gain advantage on strength checks jesus christ i got 10 and 12 oh i got a 16 plus two plus two yeah You barely beat her. She rears her head back and then boom, bashes you in the face with her antlers, Daryl, and you get knocked to the side. She tries to kick up with the remaining two hooves, but Jody, just too strong that Jody, maybe even stronger than Daryl.

Uh-oh. Yeah, no, he works out. The seeds are planted. With her remaining action, she is going to speak into a communicator on her hoof wrist. Oh, don't do that. And she is going to say, this is Elizabeth Warden. I need all guards down to cell level minus one.

Again, all guards down to cell level minus one. And that is her turn. So now it is your turn, Daryl. I'm not on top of her anymore. Like she kicked me so hard that one of my legs like swung around. And like now I'm like standing up or something. I'm trying to figure out what I. Your legs are still there,

but she punched you such that you're now standing, essentially. Okay, okay. It's like those cartoons like Popeye when he gets uppercut and he goes... Exactly, yeah. When you punch someone, you knock them prone, and if they're prone when you punch them, it unknocks them back to being stood up.

That's how it works. If you hit them hard enough, you give them HP back. There's two guards in here now, right? Yes, there are now two guards, and there's an open door leading to a floor minus one. But you hit them hard enough, you give them HP back. There's two guards in here now, right? Yes, there are now two guards, and there's an open door leading to a floor minus one. But you can't move, right? Because you're clamped to the ground. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I'm trying to... Unless you can somehow free yourself from the shoes. Oh, these are just slip-ons. My Vans, dog. Let me kick them off. I guess I just, like, flopped down on top of her to try to grapple her again.

Yeah, like the opposite of one of those punching bags. Like I'm just always going back down. You're like a punching clown. The one that yeah. But I just I don't think so. And I just bend at the waist and just put all my weight straight back down onto her. Yeah, I feel like you don't even really have to check for that because your legs are magnetized there. So, yeah, you just do that.

She is once again double restraint. Not great day for elizabeth warden so i feel like i'm like almost like hugging her i'm like whispering closer i'm like we just want our friend to stop this please all right but give me a persuasion roll it's a six can i help what a charmer go ahead and try to help give me something persuasive you can say if you succeed your role matt will get advantage i don't want to pop your tires, miss. You better listen. Tell us how to get our friend out of here. What? Oh, no. Holding on to her legs. Like her tires. I get it.

She might not know what... Oh, yeah. I guess she would know what tires are. They probably still have tires. Do they have tires? Is that a wooden wheel? Is that a tire? Is the wheel a thing? Let me hit my persuasion. I got a 15 plus 2. I got a 17 on my persuasion check. Anthony, you see my second roll? That's a 20 minus 1. I got a 15 plus two. I got a 17 on my persuasion check. Anthony, you see my second roll?

That's a 20 minus one. That's a 19. Great. Hearing somebody refer to tires only increases her confusion about the situation that she's in because she doesn't know what those are. So she looks into the eyes of Daryl

and sees not Malice. They're tearing up. I want to say that way it is. I have little tears. I'm like crying a little bit. Because you broke your ankles by flopping over on her without moving your feet don't want to kill people anymore just want glenn back you're the one that threatened death in the first place she sees the earnestness

in your eyes and she goes well what do you propose then uh give him um yeah um oh i don't well uh yeah give him back and we'll just leave without doing any more of this dumb stuff. Like, we just want out of here. She says, get off of me and we'll see where things go from there. Don't believe her. But she's in the zone of truth. Yeah, but that's not a lie. Are you going to not kill us after you get up?

Too specific. Depends on how you behave when I get up. We're going to behave good, right, everybody? Yes. Promise us that you're going to help us out. Absolutely, 100%. Call everyone off. Call the guards off.

I'll try. I have pitched a no-hitter when it going to help us out. Absolutely. 100%. Call everyone off. Call the guards off. I'll try. I have pitched a no-hitter when it comes to keeping people inside my prison. I, too, have many baseball injuries. And I will be damned if in one day I'm going to lose, how many of y'all are there? Five people? If I'm going to lose five people in one day. So you're going to have to come up with some sort of solution

that allows Elizabeth Borden here to save face. Well, you know, I'm usually not a fan of dishonesty which i am also compelled to say because i'm in the zone of truth but it's also true but i feel like in this instance couldn't you like arrange a thing where you know maybe we say that because all of us attacked you that we all go to the bad jail where everyone dies in the super prison but we don't really go there you just say we went there and then it's like all of us died in your prison, but really, we got to leave and we snuck out. Like, what about that? Why don't you roll persuasion?

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Where is Glenn? What do you fucking need him? I got a four. She goes, nobody's gonna believe that that cell could hold five people. That cell is exactly big enough for one person to have an interesting, dramatic character arc down there.

And I would be damned if anybody goes down there without changing in some personal way. And I don't think that's going to happen with all five of you. I refuse to believe it. Well, what if you're—sorry for interrupting. See, I'm a businessman, and sometimes we say the truth in different ways. Right now, I'm in the zone of truth. And so if you were to propose something like, we didn't lose five prisoners, we gained five former prisoners, that would be the truth. And you would look really good doing it, telling the truth.

Ron, roll persuasion for me. I got an eight. She says, y'all are in this prison because you're bad people, and I do not believe you're going to uphold your value. For all I know, you saved from the zone of truth. I have no reason to trust what you're saying. Guards, do what you got to do. Jodi, it is your turn. I'm just holding onto her legs, holding tight, and I just turn around, and in a desperate move, I say, what if we find you five replacements? Even worse people. It's going to be so satisfying

when you have them in here because they're so much worse than us and we'll give you the rest of our money. What? Don't get me with the rest of our money. Roll persuasion with advantage because that's a very good deal. So I rolled an 18 plus 2 on my second roll, so that's a 20. She believes that you were telling the truth and that you would at least

attempt to find five people worse than all of you. Worse than Glenn, though? I'm not sure he's a bad... Yeah, Glenn, you'd have to find somebody who's one of the worst of the worst. And she's got a skeptical glint in her eye, but she's listening. As you see that glint in her eye,

the guards stop trying to shove the two strong boys off. And one of them grabs Henry from behind, is going to try to, rather. So I'm going to go ahead and roll for that. Ooh, that's a 19 plus two. Okay. Oh no. They grab you in sort of a rear choke hold

and put the blade to your throat. The other one is going to try to grab Ron and do the same. That's an 18. Ron, why don't you roll a pose dexterity? You can do that as well, Henry. I got a 14. I got a 15. Everything is going wrong.

Both Ron and Henry now have blades to their throats as the guards go, What do we do, Madam Walden? What do we do? And after they say that, you hear in the distance somewhere out on another part of floor negative one, you hear a loud slam and a rattle and you hear a familiar voice yell, Fuck! Glenn! Is that Glenn?

Glenn? Glenn, we're in here! All right. You gonna let me stand up or you gonna let me stand up? I'm standing up now. You're not giving us any... Okay, here.

So she's gonna try to maneuver herself out from underneath both of you. Are you going to keep trying to restrain her or are you gonna let her go? No, I'm gonna let her up. I'll let her up as well. Okay. So now she's standing on all four lovely hooves

and she goes, all right, all right. What's your plan to get these five people back? And obviously, you'd have to be on some sort of deadline. And I'd have to have some way of being sure that you wouldn't just take off and leave me up a creek without a paddle. Look, I'll be honest. I don't know five people we could give you. But Glenn's in here because he's a bad friend, which is pretty bad. We all acknowledge that's pretty bad, right? The four of us, our crime was trying to go save our friend, which, you know, I feel like that's

definitely not the worst thing that could happen. what if i could get you the worst criminal out there somebody so bad that not only did they steal our castle not only does the entire world hate them but they actually entered your prison and left without any ability whatsoever oh shit we brought you somebody called well actually who is perhaps the worst person in this entire kingdom that's great and he has a ton of our money he has tons of money that he does not want to give to the poor or give to anybody he does not support for-profit prisons which i know you're a big fan yeah he's probably libertarian i get that vibe off of him i don't know that he sounds like one of those guys who says he's not into politics,

but that just means he's a hardcore Republican who doesn't want to admit he sucks. He keeps talking about the Joe Rogan meat diet. Are you telling the truth, Daryl? Yeah, I'm telling the truth. Like, that's my idea. Oh, hell yeah. Then go ahead and roll persuasion with advantage. Okay, come on.

I got 14 as the highest. So she goes, it sounds like you're talking about a pretty bad dude. I don't know if I fully believe that you could actually take this fool down. Like you couldn't even successfully sneak into my prison. It sounds like this person might have one up on you. What if I told you I could get him here right now?

All you gotta do is slap the cuffs on him. Watch this. And I say, guys, my favorite monster is Frankenstein. Actually, he's called Frankenstein's monster. Frankenstein is the name of the duck.

What? Alright, so who wants to roll the attack on Will, actually? Well, who's next in turn? That was Will. Daryl's turn was trying to convince her of going to find Will Actually. Henry's turn was summoning Will Actually, but you didn't do an attack,

so I feel like, yeah, go ahead, Henry. Henry casts Entangle on Will Actually. Okie dokie. And he has to make a strength saving throw of 17. Oh, I'm going to tell you right now, this guy is not strong. All right, he fails, and vines spread out from the ground. Actually, you describe how this captures him.

So Henry just does, what's the finger tutting from the show you guys like, the OA? Yeah, he does the OA. He does the OA move, the movements. The movements, and a whole tangle of vines sprout out from the ground and the ceiling, and one of them grabs him tight by the fedora, which I imagine is like sealed to his head. The source of power. And then the other two wrap around his JNCO jeans and chain wallet and he's not going anywhere. That's why he's so weak is his little neck has been trying to hold up that fedora the whole time.

And like me, his head is a little bit too big for the rest of his body. So with the second you entangle him like that, you can feel within the vines, one of them rustle a little bit as his fedora dips just a little bit, and he goes, mm, too shit. No! Henry says, nothing personal, kid.

Oh, yeah. Bingo. All right, Ron, it is your turn. What to do except end an email with cheers. Let me think. So, like, how's Lizzie feeling about this? Is she on board or? Give me a perception check, Ron. Okay.

Or insight, whichever you want. Shut up. I've had the worst fucking rule. I got an 11. So you can at least tell that she can tell that this is not a friend of yours. She can tell that this is some third party, but she's not quite convinced

that this person is all that dangerous. She definitely does recognize that so is the person who said something to you last episode then disappeared with no explanation.

So you may have to sweeten the deal with her a little bit. Convince her he's the worst person. Okay, let me think. Why don't you ask him how excited he is for the snyder cut so elizabeth warren turns to him and goes so how excited are you for the snyder cut and before the

tea can leave her mouth well actually his ma just opens up like his jaw just unhinges and his eyes roll back into his head. And he begins to say a series of things that you immediately recognize as human speech and potentially like sensical sentences. But go together in an order that is beyond your comprehension. Can I embody? Well, actually, briefly for this one, if you wish. Yeah. Well, actually, in interviews going as far back as 2017, Zack Snyder spoke about shooting and storyboarding the film in a 1.85 aspect ratio, but post-firing, he said on Twitter to user Jabbalani that he had changed the aspect ratio to 1.66 to 1, and yet two months later, in an interview, he states that the ratio is in fact 1.43 to 1, i.e. the IMAX ratio, and that he had always intended to show the film in 1.431. Yet additional material suggests a 1.33 ratio, including a shot from the sound mixing stage

directly contravening years worth of previous statements. And while every artist deserves to have their work exhibited in a manner of their choosing, this cavalcade of complicated information does not bode well for a unified artistic vision throughout the entire process. I have to say that this is like such a brilliant characterization

because like the fact that Will actually wouldn't actually be a Snyder fan and that he would go one step beyond and like, oh, poaching. Everybody, everybody takes 2D12 of psychic damage.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh no. And then I'm going to have specifically Elizabeth Warden roll a wisdom saving throw to see if she falls unconscious. Daryl took nine. I was hoping Daryl would roll like two damage and just like actually like be pretty into it. I guess I'm going to do 300, right? Right.

I like that movie. That's a good movie. He did a new Batman? Okay, I took 21 total damage. Oh, my mama mia. I got an 18. Jesusesus i got 16 damage and elizabeth warden just looks at this guy and her eyes just begin to glaze over as he begins to get into the differences of whatever the hell freddy was just saying and she is like staggered backward and she

is stunned for a turn just trying to deal with what's going on. She's going to lose her next turn, just trying to parse all the different things that that quote unquote man just said to her. All right, Jodi, it is your turn. Is she in a state where we can question her? She's not going to respond for a turn now. Okay, okay. So she's like zonked out. Yes. English holds no meaning for her for the next 30 seconds.

It's a protective hibernation that we women go into. So Henry and Ron are currently knives to their throats, right? Yes. How did the Snyder rant affect the two guards? Oh, yeah. I guess they should roll as well. They're all big fans. They're not smart enough to fully understand all the things that were said. To understand Zack Snyder's incredible vision.

His incredible vision and his black and white cinematography. So they each take 24 damage. They take full damage, but they are not stunned. They still have their knives to your throat, but they definitely go, ugh! And they recoil from the violence of what was being said to them.

I'm going to do the same thing, command again, but this time at the second level, so I'm going to do an additional target. Oh, cool. So I'm going to look at both of them. I'm going to do the same thing, command again, but this time at the second level, so I'm going to do an additional target. Oh, cool. So I'm going to look at both of them, I'm going to yell, drop. So I have to make a wisdom saving throw, 14. Both of them failed their wisdom saving throw,

so they both immediately dropped to the ground. Jody's like those hypnotists that they like in high school, they'll get, you know what I mean? They're just like, sleep. Or these are the Aikido doing hypnotists, right? Yeah, these are the Aikido hypnotists. You must have had a really cool day at high school one time.

Jody trying to follow the police manual, but only remembering one word from each of the commands he's supposed to say. Okay, so those two drop to the ground. At that moment, a third guard, who you didn't even see coming, comes in through the main door. Oh my God, a raptor guard. And says, Madam Warden, Madam Warden,

Glenn Close escaped through the front door. Somehow he opened all the locks. I don't understand. He's out. He's gone. And she snaps out of her zonk just long enough to go, Glenn's out.

I don't care about these knuckleheads anymore. Everybody to the front gate. Glenn Close is leaving. He's leaving Meth Babe Correctional Facility. Stupid fucking podcast. I hate it so much. All guards to the front gate. Belay my previous order.

And the two guards, I guess they crawl because you did tell them to drop and they have to honor what you said. They start hurriedly crawling out of the room past the guard who said this, who's still standing in the doorway. And Elizabeth Warden begins to gallop after them as well, actually struggles in his restraints. As Elizabeth Warden gallops out of the office, she says to the guard who came in, watch these ones while we go deal with Gland. Watch these five guys who can kill you.

And the guard goes, I am. And Elizabeth Warden and the two guards rush up the staircase. And you are now left alone in this room, watched by one of these guards. Real quick, Ron can do voice impressions, right? Isn't that a Ron ability? Yeah, I can, sorry. I can mimic anybody whose voice I've heard, I think. Well, you've heard her voice,

so why don't you just say in the intercom, like, sorry, a doppelganger came in. Scam Likely's here, and he, like, impersonated me. Go catch him. Don't trust the one that's out there. Glenn Close is under control. He's been found. Stand down.

But there's a doppelganger of me on the loose. The communicators that you see are in the wrists of the people who work here. So the only one that's near you is in the armor of the guard who's currently looking at you. And as you're maybe considering what to do, the guard puts its gauntlets up to its helmet and removes its helmet. And you see an unfamiliar face you see what appears to be someone with graying hair with a big bandage over one eye a beard that seems to have gotten longer and it takes you a second to realize that this is a now 50 year old glenn close oh my god d what daryl tries to step to hug, and since his feet are still locked down, he just falls flat on the floor. Glenn!

Oh my God. Hey, everybody. How's it going? Were you guys trying to rescue me? Yeah, man. We're trying to bust you out. Oh my God. You're so old and sexy now with that bad side patch.

It's been a pretty wild time. Hey, what year is it? How long has it been? It's been days. It's been like pretty wild time. Hey, what year is it? How long has it been? It's been days. It's been like a couple days, man. Yeah. It's been a long ass time for me. Who's this chode?

It's me, Ron. No, no, not you. Perfect. I was saying, who's this chode? I point over at Jody. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Well, this is kind of complicated. Well, we'll explain everything once we get out of here.

We got to get the kids, though. We got to get Nicholas and Peyton. My kid's here? I nudge Daryl and go, did he say his kid? What is he? I mean, he's aged. Who knows what he remembers now? Yeah.

We're here to rescue you. You look old, man. Are you okay? You look like a piece of shit who's this asshole jody's one of our friends man maybe we should just talk about this later and get both of the kids and we'll get out of here together and then we can kind of touch base on everything else that would kind of be my plan since this is kind of a hairy situation we're in right now so glenn is gonna like shake it off a little bit with jody and kind of give him a side eye and kind of be like something's going on here but

now's not the time to investigate hey guys i think i figured out where your weapons is it's over in this other room here daryl just hang on a second we're gonna go like unstick you oh oh wait before i go daryl ha ha pushing too many pencils and i go for a pred or high five with my left arm and i'm face first on the ground so i kind of like what are you doing uh and i just put my hand up like behind me for a high five are you trying to high five me yeah go ahead and do your roll glenn i roll two plus one that's it what do you want me to say it's a two plus one you like trip a little bit on the way over i'm like ah damn it i've been waiting years to do this ah balls whatever come on. Come on. I'm just mad now. I'm just like storm.

I'm like, come on, let's get your stuff, guys. Damn it. If you want, I can use your wrist to tell everybody to leave us alone forever. Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Here, and I take off the wrist gauntlet and I hand it over to Ron. So as Glenn takes off the left gauntlet, you can only see sort of his forearm and his fist, but he has the most insanely jacked

just left arm you have seen on a human being oh my god okay just that arm as far as i mean you haven't seen the other arm but like at the very least his left arm you could tell it is choice glenn kind of chuckles and goes i've been jerking it with this arm for years that's not what he was doing. That's not what happened. I'm going to speak into the gauntlet. Attention, the real Elizabeth Warren is here.

Yes. Whoa! Oh, shit. What am I rolling? Performance. Okay. Or deception. I rolled a three. I've literally not rolled above like a 12 in three episodes. This app is cursed. It's awful.

I want to give advantage to Ron by going like, you got this, Ron. Aw. There was that bard energy. Yeah, in order to give her advantage, you'd have to do a check of your own. But considering it's persuasion, I don't think that's going to be a problem. So go ahead and persuade to convince Ron that things are fine. Four plus 14, 18. Yeah, that'll be fine.

All right, now you get to roll again,on all right hot dice hot dice no whammy no whammy oh wow i got a five oh my god like i'm so fucking livid i could fucking eat a billionaire i could fucking pull elizabeth warren eat a fucking billionaire all by myself fit him in a lunchable fuck you dnd&D Beyond. That's what's playing over the intercom. It's just that way. You hear Elizabeth Warren's voice going, okay, so I have to set a couple of you that were going up

to the top, head back down, because apparently they beat the crap out of that guard that was down there, and they're trying to do bad impressions of my voice. Attention, I was not doing bad impressions of her voice. I was trying to do a more realistic impression of the actual Elizabeth Warren. Sometimes impressions

aren't about the student accurate and it's more about what feels right. Attention, I actually said that on the last Talking Dads. Attention, I learn from the best.

Okay, so you'll have like a couple of turns before some more guards come down, but they know that something is awry and level negative one.

So what do you want to do while that's happening? Ah, cripes. We got to get out of here, guys. We need to get Daryl off the floor. We need to get the kids and beat it. We got to cheese it. Hang tight, folks. I'm going to run over to the other room, unmagnetize everybody.

Ooh. In the entire prison. So you hear a click first from Daryl in the other room. And Daryl, your legs demagnetize. And then echoing through the panopticon above you, you hear click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, as a bunch of these. You're like,'re like um now i can't think of a scene where somebody's just like flipping a bunch of switches really hurriedly you're flipping

it's very sexy you hear click click boom am i right anyone fans was that band saliva that song click click boom anyone so you hear a lot of commotion upstairs now, and you hear one of the guys going, oh, the face-off boots, they're malfunctioning, they're malfunctioning. Ron, mind if I get my gauntlet back real quick? Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, let me just say this into the thing really quick.

Mr. Hammond, I think we're back in business. Wow. I look at Glenn and go, Glenn, what did you just do? Hold on one second. I need to address my people. Oh, no. And then I'm going to go sing into,

I'm going to give bardic inspiration to an entire prison. Oh, my God. Of people. That's cool. You know what you have to sing, right? What's that? That they're ready for the big ride. Oh, yeah.

I go, so echoing through the halls of prison you hear i'm ready ready for the big ride baby and you can feel the electricity humming through the prison as every single convict whether or not they've seen face off understands the energy of what you're saying and the desire to be ready they're all ready for the big ride comma baby and the big ride be ready. They're all ready. To put a big ride, comma, baby. And the big ride in this case is we're going big or we're going home in the sense of we are leaving the prison.

So you have now triggered a full-scale riot in the Meth Bay Correctional Facility. Oh, gosh, I just had an idea. Starewell wit, what can I say? You know, we probably should have kept everyone's boots on but then turned off Nick and Peyton so that they could get out without having to go through a prison riot. Ah.

Oh, we gotta go save our kids though, that's for sure. We gotta get out of here and save them now. Okay, let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on, Glenn. Hold on, wait, before you guys go, let me try this again. I'm gonna roll to try and break this window by the, uh... Okay, so there's a door in the same room as all these switches that demagnetized all the boots that has a little window

in the frame of the door, and you can see through the window there's a bunch of weapons, there's a bunch of items, basically all of these switches that demagnetized all the booths that has a little window in the frame of the door. And you can see through the window, there's a bunch of weapons. There's a bunch of items. Basically all of your stuff. Seven plus one, eight. Glenn hits it again. You see another dent in it as he again fails to break it.

I'm going to go up to it and just with a covered elbow, just bang into it really hard. All right, go ahead. Give me a attack or a strength check or whatever you want. Strength. Oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph. 16. Shatters.

Shatters. Oh my goodness. Instantly and masculinely. I flex a little hard. There's a ripple. There's an actual ripple. You can easily reach through and grab the doorknob.

Glenn tries to roll persuasion and be like, it's only because I loosened it up for him first. Two plus 14, 16. Darryl believes him. Darryl believes him. Darryl believes Glenn. Ron wasn't even looking when Jody did it.

Glenn, good job with that window. While Jody is sitting there with his elbow through the window. I'm just like, what? Henry rolled a perception 23 and knows that Glenn is lying, but chooses to let the poor guy off and not say anything. Come on, guys, get your stuff. We got to get our kids and get out of here. Hey, Jody, this is our really cool friend, Glenn.

Yep. Glenn, this is Jody. Jody, you wrench open the door from the inside. The door is open. All of your stuff is available to you. The boots are deactivated. You can also take them off, so you can just get back into your normal ass gear now.

Okay, cool. There's a hot, steamy, clothes changing scene of just a bunch of dudes. Oh my God, yes. Just guys being dudes. Just helping clothe each other. I'm gonna stay in the armor.

Okay, that makes sense. You probably want to keep your stuff with you in a bag or something just in case you want to change it later. You fucking quarantined had me have a genuine sad reaction when I realized that Freddy's fictional, ripped, armed character

is gonna take his clothes on. What the fuck is wrong with me? It's been a long year, ladies and gentlemen. That's a horny Beth right there. I'm gonna take my stuff, though. I'm gonna throw it in the bag. I'm gonna throw it at Jody and say, here, you carry my stuff.

So as you do that, as you hear the sounds of a riot in full effect above you, you can even in the very, I'm going to throw it at Jody and say, here, you carry my stuff. So as you do that, as you hear the sounds of a riot in full effect above you, you can even in the very distance hear a familiar voice going, it's go time, baby! It's go time! Oh, boy. I am Jody! As all of that's happening, as the cacophony dawns on you, and as you look

into the eyes of Jody, you hear Jody's cell phone ring in his pocket. I grab the stuff, and there's only one person that would be calling me. Who? Because it's the only person in my phone ring in his pocket. I grab the stuff, and there's only one person that would be calling me. Who? This is the only person in my phone outside of my child. So I immediately drop the bag, and I take my phone out,

and I flip it open. And you see the name of your wife, Morgan Freeman. What the fuck? Yo, what? What? Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler.

Jimmy Wong is Jodie Foster. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxson Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Robin Rapp helps us with transcriptions. Beth May is also our poet laureate. Her debut book of poetry is out called The Immortal Soul Salvage Yard.

We have links to the book in the episode description. Check it out. Also, it's time to check out these Patreon shoutouts. Big ups to John W. Hashtag Go. Beth Anderson. Victoria O. Matthew Howard. Creed and Eve. Just just some guy that's the name not just some guy kyler lee shane demas andy rue shane doyle kelly

williams andrew stephanie thompson ellen stephanie olmstead carson kelleher and gabriel nyland our patreon is at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads the star wars miniseries gungans and daddies all that jizz is imminent. And while you wait, something that's available to everybody at every level, our episode live listens. You can react in our Discord alongside us and listen along live with a bunch of other people. I have to say it's one of the most fun experiences you can have listening to a podcast is seeing

everyone's reactions as the episode goes. It's something we started doing partway through last year. It's easily a highlight of our weeks as the people who make this dang thing. So head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Take a look at the tiers on offer. See if anything tickles your fancy

and hopefully we'll see you on the next live listen. Check out our merch at bit.ly slash dadmerch, all caps. Follow us on Twitter, dungeonsanddads, reddit.com slash r slash dungeonsanddaddies. Thank you so much for listening.

Next episode is going to be March 9th, Tuesday. It's always going to be a tuesday sorry i messed up this one so we will see you then there was a time when you could read between the lines you know they never brought you down never brought you down. I'm going to walk up to Elizabeth Warden and kneel down next to her and just say, surrender. Whoa. She is going to make a wisdom saving throw.

And I'm going to warn you, if there's anything that the primaries taught us, it's that neither she nor Bernie were willing to do that. Yes. So topical. Pump it in my veins.