Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 6 - Support Your Local Library

Episode Date: April 9, 2019

The dads address pressing automotive issues. Henry finds some great books, Daryl learns something about his beloved minivan, Glenn showcases his knowledge of 90s movie tie-in rap, and Ron lodges a com...plaint.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, drug/alcohol use, violence towards children, and body horror.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Japanese translation by Kevin SenzakiAdditional background audio by Sword Coast SoundscapesTheme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 We can wait for clean water solutions, or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures, or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth, or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.
Starting point is 00:00:37 Dear diary, it's me, Ron, writing right now. Guess you know that because it's my diary. I mean journal. It's not a diary. It's a manly, manly journal. I am in a moving vehicle with three strangers and a lizard man. I'm thinking about cutting back on dairy. Need to mow the grass, too. This week, I got transported through a portal on the way to Terry Jr.'s soccer tournament.
Starting point is 00:01:03 Terry Jr. was actually sold into slavery with a few of his teammates, so looks like nobody's getting orange slices at halftime. We went after two of his teammates, the two kids that look the same. That was great, because I was able to stay clothed the entire time. I also made new friends, two frogs named Maggie and Richard. Such great friends. Maybe even my dad would have been proud. Anyways, we created a pyramid with beans and then knocked it over and killed hundreds of innocent people. That's what my wife would call a productivity win. A man-sized snake was there.
Starting point is 00:01:38 I must say that I am writing this with a heavy heart. Maggie and Richard spontaneously disappeared a half hour ago, and I miss them already. I wish they were still here so that I could introduce them to Terry. I think anyone would be happy to meet Terry. I wonder what he's doing now. But enough of that. We're on to save Glenn's son next, and to be frank, I'm already fearing for that boy's life. But I'm not Frank, I'm already fearing for that boy's life. But I'm not Frank. I'm Ron.
Starting point is 00:02:34 XOXO, Ron Stampler. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. I missed that last week and many people pointed that out. I want to make sure that's still true. And then a big snake slithered all over Daryl's naked body. Yeah, I think it's important because I'd rather... Sometimes BDSM podcast. Well, I definitely don't want somebody looking for a BDS podcast being disappointed, but I'm okay with somebody not expecting one, but being pleasantly surprised.
Starting point is 00:02:52 So I definitely think it's good we have the warning. This is a D&D podcast where four dads from our world are flung into the Forgotten Realms on a quest to rescue their sons. I am Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, rock and roll cover band dad. Fun fact about Glenn this week.
Starting point is 00:03:07 He is very, very anal. Boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Nothing chuffs him more than when people make a wrong karaoke choice. What's a wrong karaoke choice? Point of order, chuffs means like it makes you happy. Nothing rubs in the wrong way. But that seems like exactly what Glenn would say though because he was adjacent to the clash once.
Starting point is 00:03:33 He's like, I'm basically British. Oh yeah, here we go. Glenn Close frequently misuses and doesn't use the right accent for British slang. There you go. You have to do that now. Yeah. All right.
Starting point is 00:03:43 He's well chuffed. Chuffed about that. Mate. My name is matt arnold i play daryl wilson a stay-at-home uh coach dad and uh oh i'm a barbarian and fun fact about daryl he does not know what a birkenstock is um so he keeps pretending he's really trying to get henry to explain it to. A little fun mad fact. I also don't know what a Birkenstock is. And I haven't looked it up yet. Nobody tell him. Oh, my gosh. And I'm not Googling it.
Starting point is 00:04:11 I listened to the intro again yesterday. I was like, you know what? I keep laughing. But I don't know what Will's talking about. I don't know what a Birkenstock is. If you can successfully guess what a Birkenstock is at any point in the next three episodes, then it will immediately heal you back up to full health. Okay.
Starting point is 00:04:28 How about this? To all the fans out there, send Matt some really hot pics of Birkenstocks. Are you trying to trick me and lead me in the wrong direction of what a Birkenstock is? I'm trying to lead you to the sexy, sexy light that is a Birkenstock. Okay. Now, fans listening, someone is going to ruin this and tweet Matt what Birkenstocks are, so I need everyone else to
Starting point is 00:04:52 spam Matt's feed with stuff that's not Birkenstocks. We need Birkenstock fake news to overwhelm I want a full Russian propaganda operation blasting Matt. I want him to think that Birkenstocks are like a rare endangered bird. Can I tell you what I think it is right now? Yeah, please.
Starting point is 00:05:08 I know this is probably wrong, but I think it is. It's like when those hipsters wear those scarves that look like they're made out of potato sacks. Like those shitty... What are you talking about? Those shitty scarves.
Starting point is 00:05:25 What the fuck are you talking about? I have never seen what you were currently describing. Someone wearing a potato sack? When you're just walking around. You guys are just making it easier for me to heal myself. I'm narrowing down the options right now. You're really close. You're so close. You know when you go to visit all of your serfs
Starting point is 00:05:40 and your serfs are just wearing these potato sacks while they freeload on your land that you, their vassal, is entitled to? Here's the rule. If you want to figure out what Birkenstocks are, you must announce that you wish to solve the puzzle. Yeah, you can't just stumble on it. Yeah, you have to be like, I'd like to solve the puzzle, and then you have to answer what you think Birkenstocks are.
Starting point is 00:05:57 Okay. And I'll put in the Wheel of Fortune sound effect. They're not going to be bad consequences, otherwise you won't guess, but yes. It's only good for things for you. Okay. Apart from our mockery when you get it wrong. I'm Will going to say they aren't going to be bad consequences. Otherwise you won't guess, but yes, it's only good for things for you. Okay. Apart from our mockery. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, granola munching, stinky crunching, Birkenstock rocking, hippie nature
Starting point is 00:06:17 dad rocking, huh? Yes. Rocking it like a potato sack. That's a fun fact about Henry. Rocking it like a potato sack. Fun fact about Henry, he bought his first Birkenstocks when he was a wee lad of nine and he thought he was real cool because of it
Starting point is 00:06:33 and other people had other ideas. Plural, huh? Okay. You're getting close. Matt's like playing Clue by the time. He's like, not this, not this, checking off boxes in the corner. It's like the world's dumbest detective.
Starting point is 00:06:47 Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron, he, like 88 to 90% of the population, is right-handed. Yep, he's a righty. All left brain, no weird scissors. That explains his extremely logical train of thought that always goes through his brain. Exactly what I was thinking, yes.
Starting point is 00:07:20 I'm Anthony Burch, I'm your daddy master, And my fact today is when I said all the names of the towns that the different children are in, I threw out Rockport because I was just sort of trying to quickly think of good D&D forgotten realms names. I was like, that canonically is one of them. I just realized this week it's not. It was only in the Adventure Zone. Oh, really? Yeah, on accident. Crossover.
Starting point is 00:07:43 Wow. I don't think they'd be cool with us infringing on their IP. And I don't want to get in their IP because there are things about the world state that I don't want to influence our thing. What about Stoneport? Well, no, it's going to be called Rockport, but it's going to be like R-O-Q-U-E-P-O-R-T-E. Like Roquefort Cheese? Exactly like that.
Starting point is 00:08:01 Roquefort. So if you ever need to write that down, Dungeons and Daddies fans, which you never should, that's how you spell that. Roquefort. So if you ever need to write that down, Dungeons and Daddies fans, which you never should, that's how you spell that. Roquefort. Exactly. This is episode six. Support your local library. Because we're going milestone-based leveling
Starting point is 00:08:18 and you have saved two of your five children, you are now up to level three. All right. Wow. We almost don't need to save the rest. I think three is a pretty good job, guys. We haven't technically saved any of them. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:33 Level three for a bard gives me a college education, apparently. Wait, what? I get a bard proficiency in one of the colleges, so it just gives me like a stat like bonus. It's like I took an online course in between the two
Starting point is 00:08:45 episodes and i immediately graduated you just got your email saying like surprise surprise you got a c minus you made it through no you took a pickup artist class oh my god you just got your certificate hey guys you're a certified player now i got cool login for their uh hidden site for like members only tips and forums. This sounds like this whole nothing battle ever come of this. I'll check that later. All right. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:09:10 What a garbage person. Is there any else have any decisions to make or any interesting stuff about your leveling up? I joined a druid circle. So I am now in the circle of dreams, which I don't know what it is because I can't look it up. If anyone knows what the circle of dreams is, tell me in a dream. I discovered that I always had stone's endurance, which lets me reduce damage onto myself, which would have been helpful. That's like the basic thing a barbarian does. The only thing a barbarian gets to do is, I guess I got to clarify what my rage is.
Starting point is 00:09:43 There's a bunch of options, but one of them, this sounded the closest to being a dad. It was ancestral protectors. That is so good. So that's pretty much dad rage. And now instead of just normal rage, I have dad rage. So you get dad energy. Yeah, because what it does is when I hit a creature, they have disadvantage on them
Starting point is 00:09:59 attacking anybody else. So it's like I protect my boys. Oh, cool. That's really neat. I, Ron, get at the third level you choose an archetype that you emulate in the exercise of your road abilities. The option that's right
Starting point is 00:10:16 for me is probably Swashbuckler because I That's definitely how I'd describe Ron. I think that Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is very underrated. Oh, no. You just overtook Glenn Close as being the worst dad. I'm a dead man's chest man.
Starting point is 00:10:34 Oh, my God. So you've, like, drawn hidden inspiration from, like, Captain Jack this whole time. I like the squid face man. Squidward. Yes, man. Squidward. Yes, I like Squidward. No, but it's like Bill Nighy in the squid mask, right? I like the way he says, like, Jack Sparrow. By the way, do we get a short rest or a long rest here?
Starting point is 00:11:00 That is up to you, because you're in the car, and you're away, and you're safe. You basically have to decide. If you want to take a rest, you're going to have to pull over and just close your eyes. I've been staring pensively out into the space for about 40 minutes now after watching my two sons vanish before my eyes. And I feel like I wanted to circle the conversation back to maybe discuss what the flying fuck just happened to my sons. And then maybe we can take a nap after that. Nothing like a good campfire to stir up conversation and reminisce.
Starting point is 00:11:26 I want to start a campfire. I got propane. I got lighters. I got all sorts of stuff for a campfire. Speaking of stuff that you have, I'm definitely icing my nuts this whole time. Oh, yeah. I definitely do have ice packs. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:36 Good thing you did. Well, why don't we pull over? We'll start up a campfire. We'll roast some weenies if those are available, and we'll figure out what on God's green earth is happening right now to my children. Can you describe this romantic campfire that we put together? Why don't you describe the campfire? You're the ones who are making it. It's hot.
Starting point is 00:11:52 We're sitting around it. I got power bars and I got some jerky. Like I said from the last episode, I think I'm just passing around a bag of jerky and, you know, giving old Henry there a wink like, hey, maybe now's a good time for a little treat for old Daryl here. We really got your fucking priorities straight.
Starting point is 00:12:08 Are you talking about Charleston Chew? You know, yeah. Not now, Daryl. Not now. Yeah, Henry, you want to, what's going on, man? It was pretty traumatic watching my sons, you know, both finding them, bonding with one of them, digging one of them out of a pit, watching them nearly die, bringing them to the point of safety and then seeing them vanish. And then having them tell me I was a bad dad as they were vanishing.
Starting point is 00:12:31 I've been through a lot today. Yeah, well, just imagine how we feel. We have it twice as bad because we had to watch you. How do you have it twice as bad, Ron? Well, because, you know, I was thinking about my frogs. I'm very still sad about them. And then we had to watch you do all this just exhausting emoting. You know what?
Starting point is 00:12:51 You're right. I've been monopolizing the conversation. I've been monopolizing. The important thing is that we all feel safe to feel our feelings. So I'm sorry if I've been dominating the space with that. Ron, I'm very sorry about your frogs. I accept your apology. And yeah, I just I have nothing but I'm very sorry about your frogs. I accept your apology.
Starting point is 00:13:06 Yeah, I have nothing but good things to say about those frogs, and I wish that I had them back. Hey, Henry, if there's one thing you could feel good about, whoever took your kids, I mean, their main complaint was that you were a terrible father. They kept saying you're a terrible father. So it makes me think that whoever took them thinks being a good dad
Starting point is 00:13:22 is important. So they're probably safe. This person's probably being a really good father to your two kids. So I think, I think they're fine. You know that the logic of that actually brings me a little peace. Once I got over you calling me a terrible father, I don't think you're a terrible father at all. Henry,
Starting point is 00:13:36 I'm just saying what I said. I want to sidle up a little closer. Henry, like, Hey man, I don't think you're a bad dad. I think that guy was whack as hell. Who cares what they say?
Starting point is 00:13:45 If they got the ability to teleport kids around and make them speak weird languages and tongues and shit like that, man, screw that guy. You're pretty much the coolest dad out of all of us. I mean, you turned into a wolf. That freaked me out a little bit. And I think that happened.
Starting point is 00:13:59 Good job. I just got to say, I love you guys. And you all just made me feel a lot better. I know we're going through a lot right now, but thank you each one of us. Ron, for making me realize that I'm not the only one with stuff going on right now. Sorry again about your frogs.
Starting point is 00:14:12 Daryl, for using logic to point out that the situation is maybe not as bad as I think. My good buddy, Glenn, for reminding me that I am a pretty good dad, that I didn't turn into a wolf. So I feel a little bit better. I feel like I can maybe take on whatever tomorrow's adventure brings. Should we do a quick little dad huddle?
Starting point is 00:14:27 Sure. Sorry, Cern, we're going to do a little dad huddle. Cern, do you have kids, Cern? I did. What happened to them? What happened to your kids? Pyramid fell on them. That's such a coincidence. We just came from a city... We just actually came from a city where a pyramid fell on hundreds and hundreds of people.
Starting point is 00:14:47 Two of them were my kids. That is small world, small world. A lot smaller now, yeah. Well, once a father, always a father. So you can join the dad huddle too. Dad huddle. I put my arms around everybody. Guys, this is just dad huddle
Starting point is 00:14:58 because I just think Henry needed a hug. Are we huddling around the fire right now? I squeeze you all really tight. Like, is the fire... All right, so I'm leaning, like trying not to burn myself over the fire which way's the smoke going cern like this is fine sorry sir dude sorry about your kids it's fine i'm kind of disassociating so like none of it really bothers me at this point hey cern quick question uh what does a wookie life debt mean basically it means that because you've saved my life, I, uh, therefore owe it to you.
Starting point is 00:15:25 We also call it a, a Gungan life debt because both Wookiee and Gungan are, uh, the two most loyal lizards that have ever existed in our race. They both actually died for each other simultaneously in a co life debt sort of situation. And we all aspire to be like Wookiee or Gungan. I like that.
Starting point is 00:15:42 I like that. You're good. You're a good guy, CERN. So you're saying that if I've ever have a concern. You're a good guy, CERN. Seriously, if I ever have a concern, I should hit up my buddy CERN. Okay, so here's the thing. Here's the thing.
Starting point is 00:15:54 It's not as funny when you guys don't get hurt with dad jokes. Yes, agreed, agreed. But I don't want to just auto hurt you. So I was trying to think, and let me know what you think about this. Okay. When you tell a dad joke, everyone can either take a d4 of damage, or, like electricity,
Starting point is 00:16:12 you could try to redirect it. So when you hear it, so when you hear the dad joke, if you can think of a dad joke that adds on top of it, then I'll allow you to redirect that d4 of damage, plus another d4 of your own making for your dad joke into any other living character within earshot or object so like putting pain on pain in a non-bdsm podcast i'm like for this yes yes and well it is not bdsm because the object of the pain does not have to consent anybody can say hey put it into me or whatever i have a lot of well oh i phrased that weird um they can say give me the pain does not have to consent. Anybody can say, hey, put it into me or whatever. I have a lot of, well, oh, I phrased that weird.
Starting point is 00:16:47 They can say, give me the pain or whatever, because I have a lot of HP or whatever the fuck. Give me the pain. Good dad joke, give me the pain. Okay, so can we go back into the dad joke that Matt just said and apply this new thing? Yes. So Matt, you want to give that one more time? No, that's not a good one.
Starting point is 00:17:02 I'm going to give it to my son. So you're saying if I have a concern, should hit up my buddy cern why certainly okay okay okay you look like a discerning individual um uh wait give me a second um certainly was pretty good. I have to say. Let's see. I guess, give me the,
Starting point is 00:17:35 give me the pain. So you don't want, do you want to take 3D4? Wait, that works at all amplifies. I mean, everybody's making a dad joke, so you can either
Starting point is 00:17:45 take it onto yourself as a, like, sacrificial thing. Beth, do you still have one of the frogs on you? Speaking of life debt, has anybody seen
Starting point is 00:17:51 Maggie or Richard? At least your frogs? Yes. I haven't seen them for about a half hour. They were right here. They were right next to me and then it's like
Starting point is 00:18:01 they just disappeared. Hey, Ron, you know, if you're about to take a bunch of damage, my buddy Cern will just take that for you. He does whatever I want. Is that right, Cern? Is that okay? Yeah, what's going on? Oh, no, this is so sad.
Starting point is 00:18:16 This is too sad. I don't like this new mechanic. Cern, is it okay if this psychic damage, that's going to hit our buddy Ron if you take it? Sure. His future seems so uncertain. Oh! Alright. So who takes the damage now? So now it's definitely certain.
Starting point is 00:18:31 Or we can redirect it into the car. How much HP does the car have? It's like when you get struck by lightning in a car, the car grounds the electricity. Do you know what I mean? Yes. You know what? Yeah. Everybody rolled D4 of damage. I'm going to track this as a new stat. Alright, what's the number? I did 4 damage. I rolled 2. 4. Okay. You know what? Yeah. Everybody rolled D4 of damage. I'm going to track this as a new stat. All right.
Starting point is 00:18:45 What's the number? I did four damage. I rolled two. Four. Three. So 13. Dad joke damage to car. Cern, can your kind handle alcohol?
Starting point is 00:18:55 Yeah. I just don't feel like it's the smartest thing for me to do. No, no, no. I push it in front of you. You got to take a taste of this. I mean, I don't know about that. Come on, Cern. Let's get drunk.
Starting point is 00:19:01 Let's party. I'm grieving. I don't know if that's the best thing for it. Grieving's the best time to party, my man. Hey, don't pressure our buddy cern into drinking you know maybe he's a teetotaler i have my wiki of gungan life debt to you daryl what should i do daryl i i respect your decision it'd be nice if i could you just take a taste and tell me what you think of it okay sure he slams back a whole flag and never whatever the fuck a cup of the beer i don't drink beer in real life. I don't know what you drink beer out of.
Starting point is 00:19:27 A cup. A cup. He drinks a whole cup of beer. One cup of beer, please. One cup of beer, if you please. A madman. Excuse me, sir. I would like a cup or two of beer.
Starting point is 00:19:39 Your finest ale, sir. I need to genuinely ask you this for how I will play him later. Is that enough to get drunk off? Not really. For a lizard, maybe. Okay. ale sir i need i need to genuinely ask you this for how we i will play him later is that enough to get drunk off not really lizard baby okay a normal person would not get drunk off average person an average person okay yeah i have like a big fear i have a big fear and i'm just like wow okay well then he goes delicious all right you're a good guy, Cern. Sorry about your kids. Well, I'm going to go to bed. I feel better about my life. Hey, Henry, are you going to go to bed still wearing Birkenstocks?
Starting point is 00:20:16 You know, I think I'm going to take the Birks off before I go to bed. That's something that you do with Birkenstocks. Why would I wear Birkenstocks to bed? I know. I was being silly. Sometimes my kid does, but cool. Your kid has Birkenstocks? Yeah. I know. I was being silly. Sometimes my kid does, but cool. Oh, your kid has Birkenstocks? Yeah. Oh, well, that's wonderful.
Starting point is 00:20:27 You know, I was only a boy of nine when I got my Birks. All right. Anyway. Daryl pisses in the flames and goes, come on, boys, let's get some sleep. Okay. And I take out the nice little folded blankets, and I make sure everybody got a blanket. And I make sure everybody knows how to put their seats all the way down so they get as comfy as possible.
Starting point is 00:20:44 Oh, you're in the car the van you could get five in there by the way because the first two rows of seats do recline back which is nice on odyssey and then you can take that back row and fold it down you got a nice flat space that's what daryl does yeah do you want to sleep in the car do you sleep underneath it where do you like to sleep I would like to be outside just to keep watch to make sure nothing bad happens to you. You're a good boy, Cern. Wow, thank you, Cern. I get a bowl and I pour a little bit of Daryl Barrel Special in a bowl for him and keep it outside. It's not a dog, Daryl. I drink out of cups.
Starting point is 00:21:13 You watch me drink out of a cup. Yeah, you're a good little buddy. I pat him on the head. All right, this is what you want. And he leans over and laps it up a little bit. He's not feeling super great. So as you drift asleep to the sound of alien crickets under a sky that is unfamiliar to you, you find yourself in a familiar location.
Starting point is 00:21:35 The same scorched wasteland that you saw in your previous shared dream when the man in the purple robe spoke to you. And the man in the purple robe is here. and the man in the purple robe is here he stands before you and he points a finger at you and he says everything has come to pass exactly as i predicted and you now recognize that this is the same voice that was coming out of lark and sparrow before they disappeared and he says in your previous stream, you were naked. And what was the first thing you did when you got to Neverwinter? You disrobed.
Starting point is 00:22:09 Know that I have seen your futures. And they are very, very stupid. You dumb, dumb idiots. Believe yourselves capable of taking care of a life you cannot even take care of your own. I have removed two of the most vulnerable amongst you, and they are now safe. And the man on the rug gestures over,
Starting point is 00:22:38 and fading into view and floating in the air are Lark and Sparrow, and they say, hey, Dad. Lark, Sparrow! I they say, hey, Dad. Lark? Sparrow? I can talk in this dream, right? Hey, real quick, are you guys in this dream? Am I talking to other people in this dream? Are we dream linked? I'm seeing this.
Starting point is 00:22:55 Whoa. Shared dream experiences, man. Whoa. My voice sounds all dreamy. Ron, focus. I have questions. Hello, Mr. Rogue Man. Ron, focus. I have questions. Hello, Mr. Rogue Man. Hi, Henry Oak. You know.
Starting point is 00:23:10 I know who you are. You're in my dream. I have your kids. Listen, I'd like my children back in Kwee. No. No. When you have retrieved all of your children, perchance you have learned something. Perchance you have learned something.
Starting point is 00:23:26 Perchance you have become the fathers you should be, that I know you are incapable of being. And only then will you stand any chance of seeing your children. Yes, you have your hand raised. Hi, thank you. Henry, it's me again. I know it's you. I feel like I did pretty good fathering in that last escapade.
Starting point is 00:23:43 Are you sure? I'm pretty sure that I kept one of my boys from doing a mass sacrifice. Oh, do you round up when it comes to making sure that your kids aren't psychopaths? Is that how it works? Considering I didn't think I was going to be plummeting into a portal, I think I'm doing all right. No, that would have been good. How many children do you have, buddy?
Starting point is 00:24:01 Oh, you'll find out soon enough, my friend. You will be my child once I have. No, that sounds really bad. That's weird. It's a little sexual. He says, put your hand down, Ron. I'll get to you in a second. You rescued, and I'm doing massive quotation marks under this robe.
Starting point is 00:24:21 Daryl Wilson. I'm not Don Chastain. I just have a quick question. No. Point of order. And your mouth fucking zips shut like Neo from the Matrix. And he goes, I'll get to you in his first run, then you. But the point I'm making is you went to rescue your kids,
Starting point is 00:24:39 again, sarcasm quotes, and then you, like, buried one under a bunch of rubble. I had nothing to do with that. That was something you dumb idiots came up with on your own. Question for you, did both kids get rescued? Did both kids make it into the minivan? Then it sounds like I fathered
Starting point is 00:24:56 the shit out of that scene, and I rescued both my kids, and then you came in and decided the rescuing wasn't good enough. Okay. I'm getting the final word on this one. He zips your mouth shut. He goes, if you think fatherhood is just about making sure that your kid, after getting buried beneath two tons of rubble, is only half dead and not full dead, then my point is made and you're a bad father.
Starting point is 00:25:16 Okay, now Ron. Ron, you go. Yes, is this warning about fatherhood or about stepfatherhood because it is if it doesn't apply to me The fact that you asked that means you're not ready. You're not ready. I felt like I was getting more restful sleep when I was not asleep. Like I was
Starting point is 00:25:36 not dreaming. I would like to have just death sleep now. If you take a nap, I won't come in on the nap then. This is great. This is great. It's been great meeting you here in the stream. Yeah, no problem. In the stream. Okay, now, Daryl, you go.
Starting point is 00:25:52 He unzips your mouth. Sorry, after all that, my question seems pretty stupid. I'm okay. Perfect. Zips your mouth right back up. I don't know why, but when I did this, I kind of assumed you'd just stand around and listen. And now...
Starting point is 00:26:08 Now I feel like a fucking asshole, so bye, I guess. And you all wake up. I bolt upright screaming like I just had the scariest nightmare of my life. Oh! Oh! Guys, did you all meet that shithead in your dream last night? Yeah, what a turd! Oh, fuck that guy, right?
Starting point is 00:26:37 Did y'all see? Sorry, I'm really riled up. I usually don't cuss this much. That's two for the swear jar when I get back home. Oh, jeepers creepers. Hey, so it seems like every time we fall asleep, we seem to go into this weird plane. I think next time, let's think about some strategy and tactics.
Starting point is 00:26:52 Do you know what I mean? You know, I'm right there with you, buddy. I remember a little movie called The Nightmare on Elm Street in which there was a sort of dreamscape bugaboo that would menace the children, and I believe that they all jumped on him and they were able to capture him in the dream. And if they woke up after capturing him in the dream, they brought him into the real world.
Starting point is 00:27:14 That's a good idea. So I think that's what we should try to do next time. We'll do a code word. What should the code word be to jump this guy? Birkenstock. Because we all know what Birkenstocks are. That's true. All of us know what a Birkenstock is Because we all know what Birkenstocks are. That's true. All of us know what a Birkenstock is.
Starting point is 00:27:26 All right. So next time we go into the dream, one of us will drop Birkenstock. We should probably. But wait, we got to put. Because if we just scream Birkenstock, they're going to be like, well, that must be a code word. So like maybe we need to put it naturally in a sentence. So like I'll give you an example. Sure.
Starting point is 00:27:40 God, I love my Birkenstocks. All right. So we'll do that. Yeah. Okay. That's great. Good, good, good. Okay, good. Hey,. So we'll do that. Yeah. Okay, that's great. Good, good, good. Okay, good. Hey, Cern, did you have that dream last night?
Starting point is 00:27:48 No. What did you dream about? Oh, it wasn't your kids. Oh, never mind. Never mind. Wait, what? Wow. Well, now I'm thinking about them again.
Starting point is 00:27:57 Yeah. No, I had been spending all night trying to meditate and try to move past, try to push them to the back of the old Cern brain. But nope, there they are again. I can see them clear as day right in front of me. Have you ever seen Nightmare on Elm Street? No. Johnny Depp gets eaten by a bed.
Starting point is 00:28:14 Of all of these people, you're the one I understand the least. I want to get to know you better, but not that much better. I'd like to just, I realize I should have done this. I want to text Nick, just be like, hey, bro, where you at?
Starting point is 00:28:27 Okay, so when you do that, roll your D20 for your cell phone battery. That's a 12 on the battery check. Okay, so you're fine. If you roll a three or lower, you will run out of battery. Okay. So you don't get a text back initially,
Starting point is 00:28:40 but after about 30 seconds. I get the typing indicator. You get the typing indicator. Red receipts. It says, who dis? Every time I respond to that, I'm going to text him back. Again, I'm going to say,
Starting point is 00:28:56 you should goof with him. It's yo mama. I remember we've woken up and everyone's gathered around me texting my son. I'm going to text him back and I'm going to it's your dad we're looking for you 17 on the phone okay so now you're up to four your response oh well i'm gonna go ahead and put the phone to sleep and shake my head like what a cool guy man this kid's so cool.
Starting point is 00:29:26 So that was an interesting fact-finding mission. I guess we know. It sounds like he's alive, so that's good. Seems like he's pretty fine. Still has access to his phone. And he's laughing. He's fine. Well, I think we should try to get to him before the hooded weirdo gets to him.
Starting point is 00:29:39 Yeah, that's a good point. And then we also are going to have to try to figure out some way to stop him from turning that boy of yours into smoke. So we'll think about that in a second. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Hey, Cern, you know where Waterdeep is? We're kind of lost here. We kind of just took the first road out of Neverwinter. And I don't really get a map.
Starting point is 00:29:56 Can you cross a map or something of this world? Because we're not from around here. I don't know if you know that or not. No. Where are you from? I think we came in from some kind of portal some sort of other world that's like very not this world oh yeah that's fun yeah but our sons are missing oh less fun yeah i relate to that yeah but ours are alive as far as we know now i don't relate
Starting point is 00:30:18 to it anymore they might be dead oh yeah that's a good point so can you just draw a map or something for us sure so he draws a map or something for us? Yeah, sure. So he draws a map for you and you can basically tell that Waterdeep is to the north and some of the other places that you might go, Rockport or Meadowshade are to the east and west respectively. So if you want to go to Waterdeep, you're going north
Starting point is 00:30:37 through a forest and a small mountain range. Alright. Team, before we get back in the van, car check. i pull out my toolbox i hand a wrench over to oh my god are we really yeah i'm like i'm like tightening up those wheels let's check the gas you have very little gas left we got a problem here uh boys we're uh pretty low on gas here oh know. Ron farts. That's a good one, Ron.
Starting point is 00:31:09 But seriously, we're low on gas. Ron farts again. Oh man, that's funny every time. But seriously. Ron. Yes. Roll a d20. Three. What is happening yeah Anthony's pulling
Starting point is 00:31:27 Beth aside for a little bit of a side consult he's whispering something over she's confused she's asking for clarification
Starting point is 00:31:34 hey uh Ron um I hate to be a little blue but uh I do have some extra boxers um in my
Starting point is 00:31:44 do you want oh no I'm not no did you say you're what did you say you're blue I do have some extra boxers in my... Do you want... Oh, no. Did you say you're... What did you say? You're blue? Hey, look. Everybody just...
Starting point is 00:31:52 We're not talking... Here, I open the back trunk. I go, the boxers are in the back. And let's... Everyone stares straight ahead. No, yeah. Ron's going to do what he's going to do. Let's talk about his gas problem.
Starting point is 00:32:02 It's not a problem anymore. It shouldn't be a problem anymore. Oh mean the car the car okay because i'm i'm situated okay okay i'm all good cool all right so are you are you not going for the boxers i stare at the boxes for a very long time and then i take off all like 45 layers of pants that Ron is wearing and then I put on the boxers. What do they look like? They're tighty-whities. They're not boxers.
Starting point is 00:32:34 They're Hanes tighty-whities. Daryl calls them boxers. Daryl just doesn't know what anything is. I feel like I need to take damage for wearing tighty-whities. You'll take disadvantage on persuasion checks.
Starting point is 00:32:50 Uh-oh. Does that mean I always have disadvantage on persuasion checks? You merely adapted to the tighty-whities. You were born in it. Oh my god. I'm about to go full Heisenberg. Just like Breaking Bad pilot right now. Yeah, hey.
Starting point is 00:33:06 Oh, yeah. They probably don't have gasoline in this world, do they? Do you guys have gas? What do you use to power your vehicles? Food, like horses. What do you mean? Is there a town nearby? Yeah, there's a village a little bit up the road.
Starting point is 00:33:21 Why? Does it have a horse station? You mean a livery? Like a stables? Yeah, no, just a place where we could a little bit up the road. Why? Does it have a horse station? You mean a livery? Just a, no. Like a stables? Yeah, no, just a place where we could put a horse in the car. What? Ron, you want to put a horse inside the van?
Starting point is 00:33:32 Yeah, instead of gas. Put a horse in. Ron, I like what you're thinking, but imagine if we got four horses and then we tied them to the van and we had a van chariot. That would be pretty cool, I gotta say. That would be pretty cool. Well, wait, here's the second. You've got that jug. Yeah. Can we do gas in the jug? How does the jug work?
Starting point is 00:33:52 I can do oil. Petrol is not on this, I'm afraid. So if we could refine the oil, we'd have gasoline. How far away is this town, Cern? It's about two miles away. Do you think we can make it? Is that what you're saying? We might as well try until we run out. That's about two miles away. Do you think we can make it? Is there a chance? Yeah, I mean, I was like, you know.
Starting point is 00:34:06 We might as well try until we run out. That's like no gas. Yeah, that's like two miles is nothing. Yeah, let's try turning on the van and getting to New York. Let's say Daddy Master. All right, go ahead and roll whatever stat we gave you for your car. I'm going to use that inspiration. And that's a 16 plus 3, 19. All right.
Starting point is 00:34:20 It roars to life. The beast lives. All right. Let's go. I was wondering if we could crack a window. I still have all my pants in the car. You kept them? You kept the pants?
Starting point is 00:34:31 Yeah. You just never know. Hey, Ron. Again, don't. Whatever is making that smell, you mind tossing it out the window? I didn't poop my pants. I did not poop my pants. Nobody's saying you did, but.
Starting point is 00:34:44 Roll persuasion with a disadvantage. Three. He definitely pooped his pants. Look, whatever that smell is, I'm not 20 fingers. Whatever it is, guys. Can you all just look around and throw out whatever's making that smell?
Starting point is 00:35:02 You know, it's me. I pooped my pants, and I'm really sorry, but I'm going to throw these boxers that I pooped in out the window. I grab the boxers, and I throw them out the window, and I give Ron a little thumbs up. I don't think they know. Ron just looks like he just shot straight in the head.
Starting point is 00:35:24 But wait, did you throw away your clean boxers? No, I threw away the one, your boxers. Your pile of pants? He made the decision you never could. Oh my God, yeah, all right. No, that's great. Okay, so you come upon the village and it is a village in the loosest sense of the phrase.
Starting point is 00:35:42 You see a stables with a... More like a vill-ish. That doesn't count. Loose village. All right. It's not enough for damage, but all right. Yeah. I'm just putting that out there.
Starting point is 00:35:53 Mild acknowledgement from around. I'm just putting points on the board. It's fair. Daryl nod. Daryl liked it. So this is definitely a podunk village if you've ever seen one. There's like two emaciated horses by the stables. There's only a couple of little huts that clearly don't have anybody living in them. But the thing that draws your eye immediately is that in the center of this quote unquote village
Starting point is 00:36:12 is a two story tall tower of books of every shape and size and color. And next to that tower of books is a smiling man standing on two rickety legs who sees you approach and he goes, ah, man standing on two rickety legs who sees you approach and he goes, ah, welcome to the village library. Have you come for knowledge? Wow. You know, I know we're trying to save our sons. I love bookstores. I got it. I'm sorry. Hi, Henry Oak. Hi. Nice to meet you. Hello, fellow knowledge seeker. Boy, oh boy. What a swell collection of books you got there. Are you perchance a book vendor, a book lender? Oh, I am a lender of books you got there. Are you perchance a book vendor, a book lender? Oh, I am a lender of books. Information should never be saved only for the elites.
Starting point is 00:36:51 Say, I've got a question for you. Is there anything about fuel sources? See, our giant crab beast, the Odessi of Honda, in which we travel is low on its energy source, and we come from a strange land, and I'm looking for maybe another way to feed the beast, so to speak, so that we can get it a little further down this road. Yes, I have many treatises on the science of alchemical formulas. In order to borrow such a tome, you must trade knowledge for knowledge.
Starting point is 00:37:20 Oh, okay. You must tell me something I do not know that I find interesting. I mean, what kind of knowledge are you looking for, my man? Oh, happenstance of the forgotten realms, human truths, secrets of the soul. Can I take a shot, guys? I feel like I got a good one. Oh, you got one?
Starting point is 00:37:38 Alright. Did you know that there are worlds beyond this one? Ooh, tell more. There are realms beyond your realm. Planets beyond your planet. We come from one of these. A realm we call Earth. Really
Starting point is 00:37:53 rolls off the tongue, that one. And on this Earth, we travel through a portal into this world. Ooh, why'd you do that? It was by forces unknown to us. Ooh, unknown forces. So I feel like that's a lot of stuff you didn't know. So can we get a peek at that alchemical book?
Starting point is 00:38:10 Yeah, for sure it is, for sure it is. And he plops the backpack down, and then you assumed he kind of moved like a normal human being because he was standing bipedally, but then he slumps forward onto all fours, and a weird spider crawls up the small tower of books and jams his hand
Starting point is 00:38:25 as far into the tower as he can and like you expect to hear like paper shuffling but you hear squishing there's a lot of squishing and he with this he pulls out a book and like shakes some slime off of it and then shoves it into your hands and it says alchemical delights for the novice oh like it's kind of like four dummies yeah i was gonna say we have a four novice series of books called for dummies in our world oh yeah yeah i feel i feel like that earns us another book i disagree you also notice on this paperback there's a runic etching of like a guide pointing with like his hand on his chin like pointing up or like he's a dummy.
Starting point is 00:39:06 Like a yellow book. Yeah, it's like kind of a yellowed tome. Do you not lend books to children? What do you mean? Just feels like somebody who's really anti-elitist wouldn't only give books to people who know more than you. You must not know too many children. Children have an understanding of the universe that the elderly and the adult can only hope to achieve.
Starting point is 00:39:21 They see the world with virgin eyes. They see what you and I have failed to see over our many, many years of adulthood. Daryl got very uncomfortable when he said virgin and he just looked away. He's like, all right, all right, this guy's got it. Ron feels superior because he thinks he is a virgin. Did we ever determine if he actually is a virgin or not?
Starting point is 00:39:43 Let's not. Okay, cool. Excuse me, excuse me. I just finished the Dresden Files full moon. Do you have the next in the series? Ooh, let me check. And he doesn't move and he goes, no. Well, thank you for looking.
Starting point is 00:40:01 No problem. Could you check the back? Yeah, absolutely. No, still no. Okay, okay, thanks. Hey, you got any books on like pop songs of this world? Ooh, greatest bard tunes. Yes, yes.
Starting point is 00:40:15 Yeah, I feel like that would be something useful in our travels. Because, you know, I could just keep dropping Zep and the Beatles on these folks. But maybe sometimes you got to read the room and play your crowd. Here, I'll tell you what. I'll give you this in exchange, and I give him a transcription of all the lyrics of Will Smith's Wild Wild West. I'm just going to give him the entire lyrics
Starting point is 00:40:37 to Wild Wild West. Of course. So you say it to him. You have to currently, right now, look at me dead in the eyes. Don't look at your monitor and then tell me as much of Wild Wild West as you can't if you can get at least 75 percent of it i can't do 75 well then i guess you're not getting that fucking book huh wiki wiki wiki wow
Starting point is 00:40:54 wiki wiki wow wow for a while that's a big part of it yeah yeah it goes west jim west um i'm desperado desperado there you go uh how's it feel jim west remember that i'm i'm gonna fight a spider oh no no no it's not even the right guy but which one is it kevin klein freddy just played up he doesn't know that you don't know the lyrics no No, he's looking. Wait, roll persuasion with disadvantage. You should have just bluffed. He doesn't know how rap sounds.
Starting point is 00:41:32 Between the two and the three, I'll take the two. Okay. So he goes, you don't know the lyrics to Wild Wild West by Will Smith at all, do you? Do you? No, but I can see a liar from a mile away. You lack the confidence of someone who would understand Willenium. Try again. Okay, as someone who's failed to give me knowledge,
Starting point is 00:41:52 you must now instead give me either a deep truth of humanity that you have learned or a secret that no one else knows but you and then all of us once you tell it to me. Deep truths about humanity. Here's one. And it must be one I don't know already. Don't give me no basic shit. This one's pretty deep. In a band, after they're done playing, we kind of save our songs because we kind of expect an encore.
Starting point is 00:42:18 We're just hanging out back there. Like we know that they expect the encore. When we leave the first time we're not actually leaving like leaving roll persuasion with disadvantage 14 14 we got 14 out of 19 on those two damn this is sufficient somehow yeah you know like when you go to like a concert and you think that the band's done they're not actually done they're just expecting me they know that the we're coming back. Hey, Glenn, stop selling. The sort of lesson about humanity
Starting point is 00:42:48 is that we make up our own weird rules and then sort of play by them, even though we all know that they're made up. Existence is kind of a collective delusion. Ooh, ooh, look at the big boy. And with that, he climbs back up on all fours and then shoves both of his hands and his entire torso disappears into the thing.
Starting point is 00:43:09 And then his whole body does. You're like, oh no, where did he go? And then he pops out of the top holding a book in both hands. He says, I found it! And he tosses it down to you. And it is Bill's board of the best bard tunes. Bard jams.
Starting point is 00:43:23 Bard jams. No, that's what I call bard jams. That's exactly what it is. Kids bard. Bard with like a backwards R. So yeah, he gives you, now that's what I call bard jams and then in the back there's
Starting point is 00:43:37 a chapter that's called kids bard that is all the previous songs but with all the profanity. Cool, cool, cool. It has the chords and everything. Oh, this is great. This is great, guys. I'm'm gonna crack open this book on alchemy for idiots and see if there's anything in here that can help us conjure up a way to power the odyssey of honda uh you see that there are basically three options when it comes to creating a power source there is one that is permanent there is one that is um has to be refilled every couple weeks and there's one that is like an hourly thing.
Starting point is 00:44:07 The permanent one sounds pretty good. I'd like to check that out. A willing soul. A willing soul has to be killed and put into a vat of oil and then mixed with the spittle of everyone who's going to benefit from it. Dad huddle with live kids. Only dads with live kids.
Starting point is 00:44:22 Dad huddle. So not me? Sir, no. Just one second. kids. Dad huddle. So not me? Sir, no. Just one second. Okay. This is a little dark, but we do have a willing soul. I am not for us killing Sir. I'll just put it out there. We were all thinking it. I'm glad someone expressed it.
Starting point is 00:44:37 So it's out there and we know that we're not doing it. Alright, we step back. Hey Sir, you're one of us, just so you know. So why wasn't I in the huddle? We were just talking about a cool nickname to give you. What is it? What's the nickname? Tell it to me right now.
Starting point is 00:44:50 All four of you, tell me two at the same time. Would you agree on? Yeah. Okay, here we go. Three, two, one. Lizard Boy. Scales. McStuffins.
Starting point is 00:44:59 Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. That is the name that I will be. Cern is dead. From now on, I am Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. That's the name that I will be... CERN is dead. From now on, I'm Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. It's a pretty cool name, right, CERN? Or should I say... Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. You should, because that is now my name. Okay, what are the other two options in this book? So the immediate one that has to be done like every hour is everybody has to put their mucus into a pot, pour the mucus into whatever you're trying to power, and then every hour is everybody has to put their mucus into a pot pour the mucus into whatever you're
Starting point is 00:45:27 trying to power and then every hour you have to come up with a different like affirming compliment excuse me what about mucus we all have to hawk our loogies into a pot i mean this is pretty much what it's like in a frat house guys yeah you've never done an affirmative yeah loogie swap that's sorry what was that again we all we all tell each other a compliment no you have to it's basically not unlike the goop from ghostbusters 2 uh you you have to hawk a bunch of loogies pour them into the gas tank and then you have to one once an hour uh it's power runs on positive vibes you have to open up the gas tank and whisper something unique and empowering and sweet to the car okay i think that sounds pretty good what's the middle one what's what's the other one uh the middle one
Starting point is 00:46:08 is you have to grind up gold dust into uh oil mix that with the tears yeah it's it's the normie one i think we should go with this loogie thing what we have to do gentlemen is we're all gonna spit into a bucket uh and get like that phlegmy spit and then i guess we pour it into the car and we say nice stuff to it and then we can drive for it now lizzie boy you probably got good lizard mucus why don't you uh give us the first hack and i hold a bucket out in front of him sure he goes hoi and it just And it's like a spray. Half it gets on your forearms. And it's very clear, very not gross. It's fine.
Starting point is 00:46:52 It's like you fucking did a quick tap on one of those Glade plug-in things. Y'all could just say that you spit and we don't need to do descriptions. Yeah, I don't think we all need to do our best spit description. I think that Glenn has to teach Ron how to spit like Leo. Yeah, Leo in Titanic. You really got to hawk it back. And then still Ron is just like pew, pew. It just dribbles down his chin.
Starting point is 00:47:18 I take the bucket and I slowly like scrape it off the chin. I go, don't worry. It's all right. I'll get that spit for you. That's what I do with a baby. That's my evening sound. You're a real dad. Weird flex, but okay.
Starting point is 00:47:36 It's your car, so I guess you do the honors, my man. All right. I pour in all that spit and I put my mouth as close as I can to the opening and I whisper a car beast. You trying to
Starting point is 00:47:50 fuck it? I go, so my best memories were in you from driving my kid. It's the worst thing anybody's ever said. It's the worst thing anyone's ever said. I drove my wife Carol to the hospital. The car breaks down. Without you, my beautiful baby boy grant wouldn't be here in
Starting point is 00:48:05 this world so uh thanks a lot you've been a good car and then i look at everybody judgingly as they were clearly laughing at my beautiful statement don't listen to them you're a great car uh nothing happens gas tank doesn't get any more full dang daryl that was really heartfelt what about what about you henry all right i'll give it a shot i whisper into the car hey daryl, that was really heartfelt. What about you, Henry? All right, I'll give it a shot. I whisper into the car, hey, Daryl's car, I just want to say, you know, I never really considered myself a minivan person, and I drive an ethanol, which is a little bit more environmentally friendly, but I just want to say you've changed my mind, and you might be a little gas guzzler, but you're a reliable machine, and I appreciate you. I'm just going to throw in a little extra here.
Starting point is 00:48:46 Is it doing anything right now? No. Okay. Not there. I'm trying to contribute here. I'm trying. Hi car. It's me,
Starting point is 00:48:54 Ron Stampler. I would like to say that I have a quick complaint that our children are missing. And I think if the child safety lock feature had been better we could have kept them in the car so something to maybe think about in the future i'm a huge fan keep driving uh the gas tank is still empty i go go, I go, you got, I shake my head at these guys. I'm like, I opened the gas tank. I lean and I go. Oh, this is Sanwa. I go back.
Starting point is 00:49:32 I'm like, guys, this car is a Japanese making model. The gas tank immediately goes to. the gas tank immediately goes to glenn you taught me something about my car i appreciate that i slap you on the back oh yeah man no problem sometimes you know vehicles machines just got talked to him in the right way you included the safety lock feature complaint right because sure yeah yeah okay cool i just didn't think it's really important. I mean, I thought I knew my car that well, and I didn't even know it was Japanese. And being a thing, maybe I don't know Grant
Starting point is 00:50:09 as well as I thought I did either. Great, let me chat with you about it. Let alone Carol. Well, thank you, Weird Bookman. What's your name? Oh, my name is The Library. The Library. Well, did you want any other knowledge, Anything?
Starting point is 00:50:26 I feel like there's a good chance here, fellas. Oh, oh, oh, oh. We all had a shared dream featuring a mean man in a purple bathrobe. And he's been beaming our kids into dust. We think he's behind taking them. Do you have anything that could help with that? This is a little bit more of a complicated request. You're going to have to give me something a little more interesting. Personal secrets.
Starting point is 00:50:47 That's all I'm taking now. Personal secrets. Full up on the other two. I can take one for the team here. I don't know if I want to hear one from him. All right, library. Okay, here we go. I pooped my pants recently.
Starting point is 00:51:01 Judging from the reaction that these men just had, that is clearly not a... You pooped your pants? You pooped your pants, right? Everyone roll deception. That's a 14. I got a 12, 17. Okay.
Starting point is 00:51:16 I guess they didn't know. That's a very brave secret you shared with me. Yeah, that's not all you don't know. I mean... Do you want another book? No, that's it. Okay. All right, well done.
Starting point is 00:51:26 Good secret. Put that one right in the vault. Hey, what do you do with all this knowledge and Ron's poop secret? I write them up, make new books out of them. What's the book going to be called? It's going to be called This Guy I Met Who Pooped.
Starting point is 00:51:40 Kind of like that email when the subject line kind of tells you the whole email. This guy named Ron who pooped. E-O-P, end of book. It might get longer if I meet more guys who poop or if I meet him again. Another quick secret is my name is not Ron Stampler. I don't know who Ron Stampler is.
Starting point is 00:52:01 Wait, what? What? Ron Stampler sounds way I'm too cool. Wait, what? What? Ron Stampler sounds way too cool to poop his pants. I poop my pants, but not Ron Stampler. So what is your name then?
Starting point is 00:52:17 Ston Rampler. Alright, I'll put that in the book, I guess. Yep, yep, yep. Okay, cool. Sounds great. So do we get a book from about the dream stuff? Let me go get it. He dives in the book, I guess. Yep, yep, yep. Okay, cool. Sounds great. So do we get a book from about the dream stuff? Let me go get it. He dives into the book tower and it's
Starting point is 00:52:31 dead silent for a second and then it sounds like he's like fighting something. It sounds like he's just like, fuck you! No! I don't want it! No! And when he comes out, there is a living book that is just biting his hand and like the pages are flapping open or whatever and he's just like punching it with his other that is just biting his hand. Whoa. And like the pages are flapping open or whatever, and he's just like punching it
Starting point is 00:52:48 with his other hand, trying to like rest it into submission. And then he throws it onto the ground and then like puts his knee on it and puts all of his weight on it. And he goes, so this is a book about magic primarily used by dicks. Like, but just dickish things to do. Dickish magic. Dickish magic
Starting point is 00:53:03 by and for dicks. And yeah, I mean you can have it. It'll be, it's to do. Dickish magic. Dickish magic by and for dicks. And yeah, I mean, you can have it. It'll be, it's a handful. Ha ha ha. Is it going to kick? It was kind of a dick trick. It's fine. Nobody got it. It was on me.
Starting point is 00:53:13 That's on me. Bad delivery. That was on me. Do you want the book? Is it going to keep biting me? Yeah. You'll have to find a way to like bind it or something. Do we have-
Starting point is 00:53:23 I got some straps. We got some- Oh yeah, you got some ratchet straps. We'll strap it down. We'll figure it or something. Do we have... I got some straps. We got some... He's got some ratchet straps. We'll strap it down. We'll figure it out. Okay, here you go. Like that Harry Potter monster book. Or the Army of Darkness monster book.
Starting point is 00:53:32 Oh, yeah. More going for Will's than for your thing. Yeah. I forgot about the monster book from Harry Potter. We strap it up, and it's just thrashing around, I guess. It'll just always be thrashing. I think we should be on our merry way. Do you travel these lands?
Starting point is 00:53:45 Or do we just have to come back here if we want more books? I like to walk around and get more knowledge from the different realms. I plan on being in Meadowshade fairly soon.
Starting point is 00:53:55 So you're doing a book tour? Yes. Oh my god. Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. Why are you all making weird faces? All right, well,
Starting point is 00:54:02 good luck with your books. Hope we run into you again someday. Yeah, no problem. So are you going to give the books. Hope we run into you again someday. Yeah, no problem. So are you going to give the books back eventually? This is a checkout system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll be back.
Starting point is 00:54:09 We'll see you in Meadowshade. Okay, we'll meet up in Meadowshade. I'll take the books back. That sounds great. Is this how it works? Perfect, perfect, perfect. What? Is there like a late fee?
Starting point is 00:54:17 Feels like there's a, yeah. What happens if the book goes missing? Oh, I kill you. Oh. And then I bind a book out of your skin, and that will tell the whole tale of you and people will read about what happens when you cross me. I'm the library.
Starting point is 00:54:31 Listen to that sweet tune on Kids Bar. I think we should get going. This guy's creeping me out. We got a full tank of gas. We got a full tank of gas. Weird book, man. Library, thank you for the knowledge. No problem.
Starting point is 00:54:43 We will definitely get these books back to you. Yeah, I'll see you in Meadowshade. I told you what would happen if you didn't, so. How about the due date? Two weeks from today. So two weeks from today, we have to be in Meadowshade, or you will come for us and turn us into books of flesh. Correct.
Starting point is 00:54:56 Do you want to hang on to your alchemical knowledge one? You can have this one back. Oh, thank you, thank you. You're slightly less painful if I kill you now. It'll be a little bit quicker. Just for clarity, I've returned my book. Oh yeah, you'll be fine actually. The other ones will be fine.
Starting point is 00:55:08 All right, let's go. All right. Lizard Boy Scales, Mick Navigator. Ooh, neat, neat, neat, neat, neat. Where are we going? Let's go to Waterdeep. So as you drive away from the village with the Tower of Books receding in the rear view mirror,
Starting point is 00:55:20 the car is purring like a kitten. It's better than it's ever been. Full on gas, high spirits, and then you embark on the road to Waterdeep. It takes you on a path through a mountain range. You're flanked on either side by these beautiful mountain ranges with snow capped peaks. The air is getting thinner and it's getting colder. You see a raging rapids nearby you that are fed by presumably a mountain glacier. You see a little rickety bridge that goes over the aforementioned rapids
Starting point is 00:55:47 and standing on the bridge are two very confident, very patient looking young men. As you drive up to them, they wave a hand to tell you to stop. I mean, we got a car. I roll down the window. I go, what's wrong?
Starting point is 00:55:59 We're still moving slowly, but I'm gonna slow down. I go, hey, what's wrong? What's wrong? What's up? They go, toll. Gotta pay a toll, please. What's the weight rating on this bridge i don't understand what that means like
Starting point is 00:56:07 how heavy of a thing can you drive ride over are you gonna are you gonna try to go past us no no no just i don't know if we can't even know why pay the toll our vehicle can't get over there uh i feel like you could probably make it we've had like whole armies and stuff like how much is the toll and what uh hey daryl wilson here and i put my hand out is the car still going toward him? I stopped right in front of the bridge. Okay. It's five silver, please. Why don't we just back up? That's fine. You just have to find another way around.
Starting point is 00:56:32 You have to go through rapids. Okay. I'll be right back. I roll up the window. Guys, I mean, we can literally just drive this van about three miles per hour over this bridge. We have five silver. We could just pay them and support the local economy. As you guys are talking, your phone vibrates.
Starting point is 00:56:49 Oh, hold on. I pulled the phone. Take a look at the phone. So you read a text from your son and it says, LOL, I'm watching you. Whoa, what? For real? He's here?
Starting point is 00:57:01 Nick's here? Suddenly, the trees seem to come alive with a bunch of other bandits that all plop down from different trees. And then one lands. Does one do a blade landing? Is the blade landing like the Spider-Man landing? The blade landing is canonically the left leg straight out, the left arm down, and then the right arm splayed behind, head down.
Starting point is 00:57:22 Like, boom. And then as the camera pushes in, it slowly looks up and he goes, I'm Blade. I walk alone. Okay, so exactly that happens with somebody who lands on the hood of the Honda Odyssey. Oh, Blade landing. And the head slowly looks up and the camera pans around to him. And you see that it is Nicholas Close, your son. And he goes, hey dad.
Starting point is 00:57:56 Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Sampler and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song by Maxton Waller. Japanese translation help this week from Kevin Senzaki. Rant to us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads using the DNDads hashtag.
Starting point is 00:58:14 Find premium dad memes and join the episode discussion on our Facebook group at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads. There's now a Dungeons and Daddies subreddit at slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies with some pretty amazing fan theories, I have to say. Thank you to everybody leaving iTunes reviews and telling your friends about the show. We hope you had a good time. And if you did, try telling a D&D fan in your life about it. Next episode will be April 23rd.
Starting point is 00:58:37 So until then, remember that tax day is coming up April 15th and that the mileage rate for 2018 for your car or minivan is 54.5 cents per business mile driven. There was a time when you could read between the lines. You know they never brought you down. Never brought you down. I had a tick on my testicle once. What? A tick. What did you do? A tick. What testicle once. What? A tick. What did you do?
Starting point is 00:59:07 A wood tick. What did you do about it? You know, well, you got it. You light a match and you stick it on your testicle. And you take a tick out. That's how I got the tick off my neck. Yeah. I put the flame on my testicle.
Starting point is 00:59:19 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future.

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