Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 62 - Sonscreen

Episode Date: July 13, 2021

With all the anchors in hand, the dads plan their next move.This episode contains profanity, violence, alcohol use, and sexual content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCourtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerChad Ellis provides additional editingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Next thing that you know, you're singing. A series of pretty traumatic memories involving my dad. Jumping off the high dive, making dinner on the stove. Drive on past the cardboard cowboy and say bye to your dog bro. On this funny podcast. I did get my anchor, though. Dungeons and Dragons podcast. And Glenn taught us all to salt the pasta water.

Listen to our podcast. It's never going to die, but it'll live forever. Hell yeah, Peyton. On the DDSM hell yeah good vibes only from now on right Nick Jr. let's go welcome to dungeons and daddies not a BDSM podcast. A Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the cool, chill,

definitely felt like didn't need to say too much last episode dad of the group. Glenn Close, Mr. Comedy. Mr. Comedy. You did say the thing about, hey, it's the 80s, which I think is probably one of the funniest jokes in the history of the show. That's two episodes ago. Yeah, don't worry about it, Freddie. You can rest on your laurels for the next season and a half.

Freddie, you're funny. Believe in yourself, man. Oh, I fully believe in myself. That's why I think we should stop complimenting him forever. This week's Glenn fact, I'm quite disappointed, frankly, that there wasn't more discourse in the social media world about pasta water and salting pasta

water. What discourse were you expecting? Like, everyone agrees that you should salt the pasta water. There's nothing to talk about there. I don't. What? See, there you go. I don't salt it. You don't salt it? Okay, wow. I think your pasta's not as good as it could be then. Well, I wouldn't know the difference. But you're right. You should post that on unpopular opinion Reddit.

It's not an unpopular opinion. Like, you just get up on it. Hot take. Salt pasta water. So this week's fact about Glenn. Glenn actually has no idea how to cook anything aside from, like, back of the box instructions, but he's watched enough YouTube in a half-baked state

to kind of, like, fake it and sound like, so he can throw things out. Like, you gotta make sure you salt the pasta water. He watching those bon appetit videos before they got all in trouble yeah canonically everybody left earth before bon appetit got in trouble so that's one of the things that all of you are looking forward to getting back and just settling in with some good old open some test kitchen videos hey everybody this is real life dad matt arnold playing fictional dad daryl wilson a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering the forgotten realms so the journey through the seven deadly sins i thought today i would take wrath so the maddest or the most horrible thing

that's ever happened when daryl is angry daryl keeps his anger pretty in check or eternalized but since he's home a lot the one thing that really bugs him is carol and grant don't necessarily respect the house very much so it's just it's just kind of building there's just one day there's just one day where there was like it was like nobody was using the coasters everybody left grand even take his lunch carol didn't say goodbye he was just already frustrated and all he wanted to do is watch the big game at like fucking seven in the morning because it's an english game and he wanted to watch it and he couldn't find the remote and he's fucking trying to find the remote and he's always told grant like put the remote back on the table next to the coasters which you're supposed to be using and he couldn't find it and then when he did find it and he's about to watch again there's no

fucking batteries in the house he just started ranting he's like motherfuckers these fucking inconsiderate assholes and grant i've told you a thousand times you fucking shitty stupid turd bucket and grant had missed the bus and had come home in the house hearing daryl uh yell about how much he hates carol and grant and calls him a turd bucket and now carol and grant always use the term turd bucket to remind daryl that he was called a turd bucket but daryl has said that in confession every single week he's gone to church that even the priest is like, hey, your penance is just to give yourself a break, man. Like, you're fine. That's the angriest he's ever been. Daryl still goes to, like, old school, like,

old school is just church, right? People still go to church. It's not like there's medieval. The oldest school there is. He still goes to the old, yeah. My impression was that, like, church a mile away from here. Okay, look, I'm saying this, I'm saying this, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I'm saying old school,

I'm saying old school, you wanna know why? The population fucking continues to skyrocket. I just feel like there's just less people walking in that booth and going like,

bless me, Father, I've sinned then. It's like saying there's less people that like Marvel. Like, there's still a lot of people

that like Marvel. Like, is it going down a little bit? Is it ever gonna hit the highs of Endgame? Probably not. Probably not. Remember Midway

for the Infinity War series where it turned out all the Marvel movies were sort of a big backdrop for a lot of pedophilia? Only 2% of Catholics go to confession. Damn.

Three quarters of them never go or less than once a year. How often? Yeah, once a year. It's usually like most Catholics go to confession. That's so wild.

I feel like if I were Catholic and had a church nearby, I would go all the time. I swear. It would be such a thrill. Yeah. I would save them up. Bank my points when I've got some good sins.

Yeah. All those sins. Hey everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play the Berk is stock rocking crunchy, munchy, hippie and drager, drew a dad,

drew Henry Oak. Nailed it. Perfect. Got it in one. I play Henry Oak and my Henry fact this week. I'm here to write some wrongs. I'm here to correct some mistakes. Very early in this podcast.

It's confession time. Forgive me, fandom I have sent. A lot of people pointed out that in episode eight, I had a dad fact that Henry Oak Sr. at the time, which was Barry Oak's original name, spanked either Lark or Sparrow. And Henry didn't know which. But now people have gone back and said, well, wait a second. If from the forgotten realms and how did barry spank one of his kids well kick up your feet i'm here to tell a tale okay first you need to know about that oak family is that they're not big on sugar right so like not a lot of sugary snacks trying to keep the sugar low one day when they were little real little kids coming back from preschool the boys had been

really good they hadn't bitten anybody you know the teacher said, the high marks for today. And they wanted a reward. So Henry was like, all right, let me find a healthy snack to give my boys. He found this place called Jamba Juice. He's like, Jamba Juice? That sounds healthy. It's got little Slurpees and smoothies. I bet those are nice and sugar-free.

So he got them each a super large ice cream smoothie from Jamba Juice, whereupon they went buck wild with the hardest fucking sugar rush of all time. That chocolate mood, probably. Probably. I think we always like the razzmatazz. We're like, this is like fruit. It's not that big a deal. And it's like, no, this is the fucking hardcore shit.

They went absolutely crazy, destroyed the house, and then fell into an eldritch sugar crash. They fell into a sugar crash so deep that through the power of the doodler inside them, the astral projected across the dimensions into the forgotten realms and had a second sugar rager in a completely unknown land, which of course wound up being the bedroom

of one Barry Oak, who walked in and saw two rowdy boys messing up the place. He swatted one of them on the bottom. That astral projected them back into their world. And you may be asking yourself, how does Henry know that his dad spanked one of them? And that, my friends, is a tale for another time. Gentlemen, gentlemen,

may I pitch Dungeons & Daddies Season 2 Insidious. Hello, my name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that upon thinking about it a little bit harder, he did get that scar on his head by

hitting his head, jumping the bed. Oh, from jumping the bed? Oh, okay. Yeah. I thought it was going to be like from when his dad tried to drown him. Nope. Nope. Okay. Jumping on the bed. I mean, Birch, I've come around on this. I am your dad once again. Alright. Alright. I was trying to avoid the parasocial thing,

but I realized just because I'm your dad does not mean that I love you. Oh. Okay. Very good. I don't know if just making it an inherently unhealthy relationship avoids it being parasocial.

No, I think this is how we're going to play it. I think this is how it's going to work. When we last left you all, you had headed inside Ron Sampler's mind and you had left with the anchor, which was a metaphorical memory version of the lure that Ron has been carrying around this entire time. The one that he's holding onto when he saw his dad die. And on a much lighter note,

you all managed to leave his brain and you caught back up with Peyton. And did we level up? Yeah, we leveled up, right? Yes, you did level up. Big fight, lot of dice rolling, some real D&D action. We got a reward. There was literally no fighting at all. It was just sad things. You leveled

up from just being sad. Damn. As we approach potentially the final battle between you and the Omega Dads, I've told you this privately, but now I'm saying it publicly. No more Mr. Nice Dad. I realized the other day, like individually, each one of you taken on your own

is smarter than me. All four of you combined is like 17 times smarter than me. So I don't have to put in anything even approaching a safety net. I'm not going to put in any safeguards to keep any of you alive. I'm going to go hard on you

and playing as these omega dad characters i'm gonna try to ruin your your shit so anything you can do from now hey anthony we've all been playing right-handed and we're all i mean left yeah you fucking nailed it yeah got it matt but yes any research you wish to do on dragon stuff will help uh as we go but i'll try to tell you about any of this stuff you're still gonna be easy on me though right yes you're my

favorite I did actually write Ron's last will and test yes that actually sent me Ron's will in case anything happens to Ron and we'll have one of you get allowed I guess oh wow

and if not it'll go on the patreon and it's very good hey Ron you okay man that's hardcore shit man yeah it was really you know know what i i think i am i am okay though i right now you guys want to be i feel like yeah group hug right that's all right with you vacation that was a lot bring it in baby you want like maybe like find a beach and

just chill for a bit guys y'all you know i'm saying like find some vibes you know i think we should figure out what we're doing with our anchors. Now, we've got all of them. But first things first, let's bring it in for our buddy Ron. That was really scary. And you did a great job, man. And oh, my gosh. Just wow. Just wow.

That's all I got to say about that. Yeah, wow. Okay. Hug on three. One, two, three, hug. I hug everybody And I try to lift everybody up like a bear hug Oh Jesus, I'm in the middle, I'm dying

I don't want to roll athletics for that Are we crush paid and scalded? Like a bad mosh pit You just broke your anchor, congratulations You've evaded the moral quandary I got 22 Yeah, you lift everybody up I spin around and go

You guys are the best I think, Daryl, I think I peed a little bit I think you squeezed me too hard, man It's fine, I absorbed around. I go, oh, you guys are the best. I think, Daryl, I think I peed a little bit. I think you squeezed me too hard, man. It's fine. I absorbed it. It's fine. Nothing.

I really hope that's not true. No, that's not. It's not. I'm just trying to make you feel better. Okay. I put everybody down. Um, real quick. Hey, uh, Miss Witch, why does Peyton absorb pee?

He doesn't. Wait, what? Wait, what? That's just a weird thing he says. Wait, Payton, what happens when you pee? I've never seen you pee. That's because I do. I do not around.

I'm a gentleman. But you don't absorb it. No, I don't absorb. I'm not a sponge for pee. Why have you been lying to us this whole time? Yeah. Because it's a cool power that I wanted to make you all impressed by, obviously. Thanks for ruining it, witch lady. Sorry, sorry.

I just thought they wanted to know. Hey, Payton, you're a pretty impressive guy even without absorbing pee. So I just want you to know you can be yourself around us. And it makes you feel better. Like, you're actually cooler now that you don't absorb pee. Like, it wasn't really, like, that wasn't a cool thing. We didn't think that was neat. Oh, Daryl, Daryl.

The mere fact that you think that means that you're not cool. Yeah. Got him. Got him, Payton. I've been told. Got him. Well, as long as that's all wrapped up, Tilt-Toblerona, thank you so much for your help. I think we need to be moving on to-

Our kids. Figuring out what's next for us. But just one last time, if you do want me to help you sort through your stuff with Aaron, let me know. No, no, I don't. The sort of ta-ta-tat we're going to have is going to be very fun in its own combative way

in the future. No need for your help. Do you have any batteries? Batteries, batteries, batteries. Let's see, let's see. And she rummages around in a desk. I'm just going to go roll for her. Nine.

She pulls out of a drawer a little crystallized tinkerbell in a sort of cylindrical shape. And she goes, this ought to do you. What kind of size? I can chip the amber around it to fit whatever you need. What do you want to use this in? What does that remote take? Oh, that's right.

The remote. It rewinds time right it does everything it does anything that a uh a normal remote can do it should have won best picture i mean you guys saw click right like adam sam oh i loved click i thought that was such a sweet movie yo daryl i feel like you and i don't agree on a lot of movies but click that was a great one happy Yeah, Happy Gilmore too, right? I liked that he was happy. That was his name. He took care of his grandma. Well, yeah, I just, you know, it was a bad influence on the boys when they saw it. I'll put it that way.

Yeah, whatever fits into this thing here. All right, so it looks like this baby takes double A's, which means I can carve it around the shape of this and bam, and she hits the fossilized fairy into. I believe that these are actually both Ds. Oh. They're Ds. Never mind. Glenn, it was so clever. I just want to get one.

I just want to do one. I never get to do one. Peyton puts a comforting hand on you and just goes, you'll know what the time is, right? Okay. Your remote has exactly one charge now. Oh, great. One charge. That whole crystal AA can last for like months. Well, this is a magical object, obviously. It's being

charged by a magical battery. No, Matt, it's got one charge, but then if you take it out and put it back in for some reason, you get another charge. You have to kind of wiggle it. Actually, yeah. If you take it out and put it back in, you get to roll a D20. And then if it's more than 15, you actually get another charge. Daryl, careful

you don't sit on that thing. Hey. And then all of a sudden. I'm trying. It's not about you having a big butt or anything like that. Okay, I wasn't going to say that, but now I know you're all looking at it. It's not about you having a dump truck ass. Thank you, Glenn.

See, that sounds good when Glenn says it. All I know is we could stop time or something like that. We wouldn't even know we wasted our one charge. Well, actually, by talking a lot, we kind of have stopped time. Certainly the momentum. Actually, do you have a remote control around here that we can use as the remote so that we have some confines within which to work for things that you can do? Yes.

Hold on. Let me grab it. This is a chart. Shall I read it? Does Glenn have it? How can Glenn read it? I'm sorry. Matt looks furious right now. I'm sorry. Matt looks furious right now.

I'm sorry. It does have guide on it. Oh, that's good to know. Interesting. Daryl Presses return. Daryl Presses return. Okay. The remote control goes back to the mall.

No! No! No! What did you do? You got pointed at Saul. Jeez. This is why I don't own a gun. What did you do?

You got pointed at Saul. Jeez. This is why I don't own a gun. This is in my hand. I had to play with it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Guys, I'm sorry.

I didn't. I was just, I'm sorry. If anybody wants to roll wisdom or intelligence or anything, we'll say if you got a sufficiently high roll on those that you would be able to deduce the fact that it went back to the mall. I got an 18. You know where it went. All right, we'll go get it as you i'm not gonna fight it is y'all y'all look i'm sorry i lost remote it's very clear you all want the remote i am daryl fucked up big time on that one let's go let's go get the remote

no it's fine i'll take the money out of my share we didn't talk about this but i think we should all get equal shares really quick as a dad shouldn't daryl be like taking damage for losing a remote? Oh my god. He's got a tough history with remotes. Specifically because you remember the remotes and batteries and stuff. I think that's like some sort of role to make sure you don't flip out on everything.

I'm going to say a wisdom roll. Wisdom saving throw. I mean that's Daryl's specialty. No it isn't. It's a nine yeah take a d12 of damage oh

it should be 10d10 10d10 you said you were gonna be tough on us well I was literally gonna do a thing where he'd roll and I'd say cool

now roll another d12 and I would keep doing that until you guys went oh my god but now that you threw that 10d10 it's hypothetically the highest you would

want to go I got a one I got one damage yeah roll four more d12s wait what that's what he was planning on doing anyway but then you guys second guessed my ass so yes I got a one. I got one damage. Yeah, roll four more D12s. Wait, what? That's what I was planning on doing anyway,

but then you guys second-guessed my ass. Punish him, Daddy. No, it's fine. No, I'm going to roll three. I said four. I mean, but I already rolled one. I got one. I said four more. Oh, my God.

I think Anthony's butt hair is growing back all stubbly and ingrown. Yeah, this isn't smooth, Anthony, anymore. I was going to pain in the ass, and now he's a pain in our ass. I don't blame Anthony for this. Freddie straight up was like, yo, roll a hundred. All I'm saying is that as a dad, losing the remote is probably the most psychically damaging thing you can do to yourself. 22 damage.

22 damage is still not bad. Henry sees the anguish that Daryl's in and then he casts healing word. And the healing word is, don't worry about it. How much do I heal? 17. All right, fine. Wow, no big deal. So yes, on your way to the Orc Mall,

you get a call from Erin O'Neil. Oh, hang on. That's my leaf. And I pull out the leaf, and I say, it's Erin, should I take it? Yeah, yeah. Okay, hey, Erin. Are you ghosting Erin, Henry?

Are you going to ghost me? Let it ring a couple times, just so she knows you're in pain. She can hear us, Ron. She knows we're doing it. Hi. Hey, guys. Hey, how you doing? Ooh, everybody looks a little down, a little bummed out.

Yeah, we just lost a remote control before Dad's. Oh, I was thinking it was also the knowledge that Ron's dad tried to kill him. But yeah, your remote sounds like a real serious issue. How do you know about that, Aaron? Again, I eavesdrop on you constantly. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Aaron is becoming goals for me.

So I was sort of overhearing some of the stuff that you were getting into, and I was thinking sort of actually along the lines of what Glenn was suggesting. I moved the forest and your kids and everything. We're at a beach. I can have the leaf give you the coordinates and stuff. So once you're done getting your remote back or whatever you're doing why don't you just come and meet me at the beach it'll be cool by the way daryl sure is already off it's already off and it's tied around his waist he's like that's incredible grand buddy where you go to the ocean you see in the background

he's like yeah i mean i don't really the ocean is cold i kind of like just yeah i mean you don't gotta go in we just we'll just hang let's hang everybody yeah let's hang yeah all right we'll scoop up this remote and then we'll see you at the beach which beach is it by the way i'm not gonna say it because in case anybody's spying like i spy on you don't want to give the paparazzi uh our location that's true you know one of us is a real celebrity i'm talking about ron the paparazzi because we're yeah the paparazzi oh man okay so yeah I'll see y'all when we get there and then the leaf updates

and basically it turns into like a video game compass it just says head northeast and then has an arrow pointing in a particular direction and that'll lead you to the beach

you get back to the mall yeah I dropped my remote here I left it here you mean my remote? yeah the remote I bought I left it here it's mine now again no I left it here

prices I left it here I saw you leave with it it made a warp sound it came back i know what my remote sounds like you saw it show up yeah it tells what about that's unfortunate damn that's what were you honest with you it happens about 30% of the time people buy these remotes so yeah were you just staring at the space the remote went into yeah have you never worked retail sometimes you sort of look into the middle distance and just sort of wait to die.

That's fair. That's fair. Should we have the battery back? What's our battery? You can have the remote and the battery back for the low, low price of 100 gold.

All right. Yeah, sure. Let's do it. Fuck it. We're on the beach. I knew I should have asked for more. I knew I should have asked for more. Hey, real question.

We're on our way to the beach. Do you have any like SPF, you know, some sunscreen? I burn pretty easily. I don't know about you. We've not put any sunscreen on this whole time. I know. I'm kind of freaking out about it. Do you have any like SPF, you know, some sunscreen? I burn pretty easily. I don't know about you. We've not put any sunscreen on this whole time. I know, I'm kind of freaking out about it. Do you have any fishing rods?

I do. I have all the things that you just requested, actually. I have sunscreen and then she points you at what looks to be a little. I have sunscreen and fishing rods. And only those two things. She points to what seems to be a small, like you can hold it in your hand, like a little chubby creature with two little limbs and a mouth that's, its cheeks are all puffed out. And she goes, you just grab it like this and then, and apply as needed.

And then it starts spreading the goo from the thing's mouth. Like how many uses does that thing have? Oh, as many as you want. Okay. Do we feed it? Nobody ever gets through one, you know? I pick it up. I'm like, what's its name?

I never thought to name it. And the creature just goes. Oh. We can call it Banana Boat. Banana Boat. BB. Yeah, we'll take this. BB smiles at you and some of its sunscreen begins to just like goop out of its mouth onto its chest.

And it very quickly grabs it and puts it back in his mouth. It's a living. And then it goes, okay, so fishing rods, fishing rods. Hey, Ron, can you get my back? Can I give Ron BB? Ron is not paying attention. Hey, Ron. Ron, buddy.

Hey, Ron. Ron, can you get my back? Ron, he wants you to get his back. Not now, Daryl. I got to look at this fishing stuff. Oh, wow. Daryl, this is like a thing for fishing. Remember?

Like this whole thing. Yeah, I know, but I don't want to get my back. Right here, Henry. Can you get my back? All right, I'll get your back. All right. Maul shows you a variety of fishing equipment you got your spears you got harpoons you've got just you know a long wooden stick and she got some rope and there's some wire what's gonna happen on the beach i thought she's gonna boogie board i mean ron asked for a fishing rod oh i'm sorry i'm getting really excited about this beach day i'm

sorry everybody go ahead ron no i'm gonna step I'm just going to put sunscreen on myself. Ron, you get what you need. Oh, sorry. I'll pay for that. You just snapped that goblin's neck. You just grabbed that goblin and you turned his head around completely 360 degrees. He was just browsing my wares. Why did you do that? What happened? I thought I was opening a canopy. What did you do? He was just browsing my wares.

Why did you do that? What happened? I thought I was opening a canopy. What did I do? You grabbed a goblin. You twisted his head off. I didn't know it was a goblin. I'm sorry.

Well, I mean, I don't know. We just have to clean this body up. I can't have people seeing that people are getting their heads twisted off my store. Okay, I don't know if you could just say Matt murdered someone. If he's going to do something as insanely like... I was playing that I was opening up a can

from her buddy. Fine. It was a can of goblin ale. It was shaped like a goblin. She's joking with you. No, I'm just kidding. It's one of those... You're freaking me out.

That's horrible. We're all really We sell drinks to goblin corpses. It's a thing we do in this world. It was fine. You're doing like

the Kristen Wiig thing. Like, just kidding. It's actually a goblin. Just kidding. It's not a goblin. It's a thing we do in this world. It was fun. You're doing like the Kristen Wiig thing. Like, just kidding. It's actually a goblin. Just kidding. It's a goblin. It's a soda called Goblin. Just kidding. I'm soda.

Anthony's so hardcore now that if I try to open his can of soda, he's like, you murdered something. So Maul says like, yeah, we got a bunch of different sort of parts that you can combine. It's kind of a build a bear situation for making a fishing implement. So whatever you like. Why don't you describe your ideal fishing rod and I'll help you make it. Let's see.

Something from about 1972. Pretty wooden and then a metal reel, but it's kind of rusty. And then a bunch of fishing wire. And I'm going to need a new lure. You sure you don't want to use the one that you already have there full of emotional baggage, Ron?

Actually, I don't know. I feel like you just actually probably should have more than one because what if you lose it? Yeah, we went through a lot of trouble. I don't want to have to go back into Ron's brain to get another one of these things.

There's a lot to see if we lose it. You know what I mean? But let's just say that one, I'm saving for a special fishing trip. All right. Okay. So the orc hands you a fishing rod

that is, doesn't look like it's from 1975, but it's definitely wood. It's got a metal reel. It's a little rusty and it's got a, you know,

fishing line, a hook, and a lure on the end of it. And then I'll take a spear too because it'll sound pretty cool.

No problem. Here's a spear as well. All together, that's going to be another... Hey, Maul, what if we get this all for free and we just promise to kind of like hype up your place a little bit? Yeah, we're what you call influencers. We're influential

people here. I mean, you've heard of Hi, I'm Ron. Yeah. We've got some pretty important followers who are trying to kill us. Somebody roll persuasion. Oh, you mean me? Yeah, you do it. 17 plus 14, 31. So she goes, oh, oh,

you're, you're high, I'm Ron. Oh, oh, yes. Oh, please. Yeah, go nuts. Just if you could actually, if you could take this shirt and she gives you a shirt, that's just a picture of her with the words, malls deals. You've tried the best. Now try the mall. Um, she hands it to you. She goes, if one of you could just wear that on your next concert tour, that would of her with the words, malls deals. You've tried the best. Now try the mall. She hands it to you. She goes, if one of you could just wear that on your next concert tour, that would be

ideal to me. I already got a bad shirt from this place before. Payton, why don't you wear it? Yeah, I'll wear it like a bandana. That's cool. Yeah, I know. Payton wears it like a bandana. See, Payton, that's cool. Again, you telling me what's cool? Not that cool.

He's not going to want to wear it. Is that cool, man? It's cool. Yeah, I think this thing kind of sucks. Daryl, we got this. We just fucking shut the fuck up. Let's get out of here. Good job, Glenn.

Okay, so you head to the beach then? Yeah. I do have a request as Matt the player. Oh, God. Okay, let's hear it. Go for it. It's just, can we roll on the encounter table? Yeah.

I want to play Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. Let's hear it. Go for it. It's just, can we roll on the encounter table? Yeah. I want to play Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. After two years, now you want to play Dungeons and Dragons? Yeah, yeah, hit us on the encounter table. What did we find, bro? What's the encounter table? We're supposed to fight creatures every time we walk somewhere.

Yeah, it's like when you do like a big foot journey somewhere, you're supposed to roll the dice to see if, like we had the wolves that showed up, but we told them not to. Oh, yeah. Let me see. I got to find something that says coastal. Okay. we'll chase them off with hamilton tickets as you approach the shallows amazed nobody took it there it is yes you come across a bunyip hopping down the road a bunyip is both a dungeon dragons character and

also sort of a piece of like Australian Aboriginal mythology. It's like a tiger with like saber tooth face and like a dragon tail. Imagine an amphibious saber tooth tiger. Wow, this looks so cool. Yeah. I'm gonna cast fireball at my highest level.

Okay. That's a dex 17 save. Okay, it'll roll. What is happening to this podcast? It's fucking clearing the way, bro. Do you want to do a bunch of zany rifts with it first, Freddy? You're just going to kill it? All right, so it failed its dex save. How much damage does it take?

13 D6 in one go, baby. This thing looks like if Falcor the Luck Dragon was hot. That is one of the worst things you've ever said. 35 damage. 35 damage. Well, that completely obliterates its 32 HP. So it didn't even aggro to you. It just sort of showed up,

and then there was a bright light, and then it didn't exist anymore. Fucking D&D rules. Can we do another one? Yeah. Yo, Glendale is awesome. Let's do it again. Fuck it.

Let's go again. Wait, what do we get from a bunyip? From a bunyip? Yeah, do we get, like, gear? It's worth 800 XP, but we're not doing XP-based leveling. Do I level up? Okay, we... No, you don't level up. How many bunyip? From a bunyip? Yeah, do we get like gear? It's worth 800 XP, but we're not doing XP based leveling. Do I level up? Okay, we... No, you don't level up.

How many bunyips do I have? Yeah, we kill... You can kill 10 bunyips. I'll level just you up right now. Wait, wait, no. We should all level up. If we kill 20, we all get a level up. It's like when you play Oregon Trail and you're like, I'm killing all the buffalo.

Hey, Aaron, just tell the kids we're going to be back. What? No! We need another day. Well, Henry, you don't want to do this? No, I don't want to murder a bunch of defenseless animals for sport, Daryl. Geez, what's going on?

We'll go up and talk to it. No, I'm not going to go up and talk to it. I'm going to go to the beach and spend some time with my family. Fine. Henry rolls on the encounter table by himself because he's walked off by himself. Ron, are you staying with me? Glenn, are you walking with me?

We're team murder. I was trying to find any bunyip merch. I just love the way they look. Okay. If we kill enough bunyips, you'll have all the skins and stuff to make all the gear you want. No, I bet me. You run across two genies. What?

What? I run across two genies. They're called jannies. According to this online fifth edition database I'm looking at. But yeah, it's a challenge rating four, so it's well balanced for four adventurers of level four. And you run into two of them. Okay, two Jannies. Yeah.

Yeah, go ahead and reason your way out of it, bro. Yeah, so they go, hey, what's up? Hey, hey, couple of Jannies, wow. Holy shit. You can't call us that. What the fuck? We just met you. Roll for initiative.

All right, so they got a natural 20 on their initiative. It's my new favorite episode. So, they, uh... Oh, shit! Twice per day, a Janny. So this is about to happen to you. Twice per day, a Janny can magically change a creature's size. All right.

Give me a DC 13 Fortitude save. What did you get? Constitution save? DC, okay. I got a nine. Okay. DC 13 fortitude save. What'd you get? Constitution save? DC, okay. I got a nine. Okay. So they cast reduce person on you.

And let's see. They have your height, length, and width. Kick your ass, bro. And divide your weight by eight. Wait, what? I just said, you have height, half length, half width, and your weight is divided by eight. Weight does scale properly because you're talking about cubic dimensions. Oh, okay.

It actually does scale properly, yeah. So you're just half your size. Oh, my God. Gosh, you know, I'm so sorry. I'm from here originally, but I haven't been here in a really long time. I feel like that's like going up to someone and just being like, oh, hey, two white people or whatever. That would also be why i know that's what i'm saying i'm understanding that you're defending yourself that was a kind of crazy thing to do

and i apologize and you're saying this as you get smaller and smaller i'm saying that as i get your voice is getting higher and higher and that's on me and i'm really sorry you know like i really try to work on myself as a person so i just again, again, I really apologize. I'm sorry. So I've shrunk down. Hey, just as I'm curious, how long is this going to last? Oh, about four days. Oh, nice. Okay. Well, you know, all right. Thanks for that.

You know, I think I learned something and that seems fair for the sort of transgression that I made, you know? We agree. Okay. Well, I'm going to, I'm just going to, I'm going to go. Cool. Let's end the comment. So they keep on rolling. I believe Matt and Freddie were trying to murder 20 bunions. Nah, I'm bored going to go. Cool. Let's end the combat. So they keep on rolling.

I believe Matt and Freddy were trying to murder 20 bunnies. Now I'm bored. Let's go back to the beach. All right, let's go see. Let's follow Henry. He went out really fast. So you run into a half-size Henry. Whoa.

Henry. Hey, guys. I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say words were said that shouldn't have been said. All right, let's go. Yeah, hey, this seems normal. Let's go beach day, beach day. So you head to the beach.

Oh, we hear the surf, this fucking sick music. You head toward the smell of salt and the sound of waves crashing against sand. Henry, you're kind of, I'm not trying to be rude, but you're running a little bit behind. Do you want us to pick you up? Henry has turned into a half-sized little bear to run along with. Oh, no. That's cute. Can Peyton ride you?

Sure. Yeah, Peyton can ride me. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Here we go. Now to bite my steed. And he throws his leg over you, and he goes, ride. Okay. I deserve this.

Peyton. We're riding my best friend's like Padington. Padington. Daryl here is my best friend Henry and a little bit of a side of him dies. You can't be best friends with a kid. That's what Glenn learned. Daryl's like, but Frank was my best friend.

So you head toward the beach and you see, I mean, unusually for beach, obviously a bunch of like forest arboreal trees just sort of blocking the way. But they begin to part in front of you and step aside. And you can see Aaron is on the beach with Walter and all of your kids. Walter is working on the lawnmower. Walter's working on the lawnmower. Aaron is grilling some meat. And the kids are playing volleyball with what looks to be improvised volleyball made out of like old timey leather. So Aaron sees you and she goes, oh, hey, let's talk.

We got to talk before you party. I mean, or if you want to party, maybe while you're partying, maybe I can sort of exposit what you're going to need to do as you party. Yeah, let's just get out of the way so we can party. I feel like, yeah, let's get all the info out so then we can just chill. Okay, so you a good news group of daddies first or a bad news group of daddies first? Henry turns back into his half pint-sized self and says, Whoa, Henry! Oh, Henry! Good news, please.

Oh, no! Is the bad news important? Extremely. Do we have good news for people who love bad news? It's the second time we've made that reference in this podcast. Well, we were dead before the ship even sank. Okay, so here's the bad news. So you know the Omega Dads are trying to close the portals back to your world. And you paid me to send out a bunch of tree scouts to prevent that from happening.

They're basically building an army and building fortifications there. So right now, the army consists of Barry, obviously your dad, Bill, your dad, Willie, your dad, sorry. The dragon, Radiolab. Oh, really? He's stuck with them? Yeah, he's indentured to them. It looks like 10 bounty hunters.

They looked pretty beefy boys. And then David Boreanaz and 10 bluecoats. Wait, Boreanaz is on their side? Yeah. That's got range. He's got range. He's got range. He's actively building his army to try and make it bigger

to get ready for you because he knows he doesn't have to go after you because you have to go through him in order to get home. He's got home turf advantage. It's a real Red Rover situation, sounds like.

So that's the bad news. The good news is they had brought in a bunch of mages, a bunch of freelance mages to close the portals. My trees managed to kill all of them.

Wow. Whoa. And cheese. Yeah, I thought so. We look around, the trees are them. Wow. Whoa. So the only- Yeah, no, I thought so. We look around, the trees are just like dripping with blood. It's like, oh, fuck. And sweat, and they're kind of hot.

Yeah, with a cool scar on it. One of the trees raises a branch to where its brow would be if it was a person just- One sexy tree is like bandaging another tree. Holy shit. And the other tree like winces, like, and a little bit of sap comes out.

All the trees are partying, and then you look out, and one tree's just like. And the other tree like winces like, and a little bit of sap comes out. All the trees are partying and then you look out and one tree's just like walking along the beach by itself. Just looking out onto the surface as the waves lap up

against its roots. I should go talk to that tree. There's a tree with an eye patch. What is this? One tree hill? Sorry, I'm moving on. So yeah, all their mages are dead

which means that Barry, Bill, and Willie are the ones having to personally try to continue closing it and they're going to be way less effective at doing that. And if you can get there

and basically make them break their concentration and stop them from doing that, then the portal should open up. So you've only got three guys to deal with instead of like the 15 it was going to be. Well, how many days do you think? Or days? I mean, minutes? How long do you think it's going to take?

It'll take me a really long time because with 15 people, it was going to take them probably about a week. With three people, it's going to take them a long time. So you're saying there's a portal to our world that they're trying to close right now. Yes. The one that you came in from, they are trying to close that portal. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. The place where you popped into our world in the first place, that's the place that you wanted to get out from. And that's what they are currently trying to close. Now, the trick is they haven't completely closed it, but while they're performing the spell, nobody can go through it. So like I said, when you get there, you're going to have to stop them from performing the spell one way or another. Now, the work at hand, like I said, you've got a lot of time before that portal actually closes. And money. We've got a lot of money. And you have a lot of money. You've got a lot of time and a lot of money, and that portal's not going to close anytime soon. So I

figured we could go to the beach, because the beach is pretty easily defendable because they're only going to come at us from one area which is the path up to the beach they're not going to come from the water unless they are really stupid because i'll just have my trees like toss stuff at them and sink their boats and stuff yes trees the best aquatic military force oh i'm sorry do you know what trees drink it's water they'll just climb in there and then they'll just get rowdy and they don't need to breathe air. Sea water is like Jägermeister for trees. Yeah. Nice. So my thought was we could stay here and you could make whatever

preparations you need in a relatively safe space. And I assume that includes, you know, if you wanted to reach out to allies to get them to join your fight, if you wanted to build anything, prepare anything in terms of you got your mower, if you wanted to make other stuff, if you wanted to invite anything uh prepare anything in terms of you got your mower if you wanted to make other stuff if you wanted to invite like merchants here or just invite people to join

like i said willie is building an army so i mean he turned into your mustache or something right but like we could get mercenaries again right you sure how much money do you still have we got a thousand from mall and then we just gave her another hundred no we got it all for free by the way erin you ever check out this mall oh yeah you should buy stuff at the mall all right obligation finish anyway as you were saying nice oh sorry sorry eric hashtag ad i just have to disclose that i was beginning to think i could really trust you and then you put that you i do need to disclose yeah okay so the thing is basically anytime you want to do anything in terms of bringing in an ally or convincing people to join you or doing anything in preparation, it's going to take a little bit of time.

So the way that's going to work is. Persona rules. Kind of, yeah. This is Anthony talking now. Anytime you do something that's going to take time, I will roll a D10. And the score you get on the D10 is the number of like hours, I guess. We'll say that it takes. I guess, will say that it takes.

And every five hours, I'm going to roll a separate D10 on a table of improvements that Willy's army is making. So the more that you do stuff, the more Willy's army might improve. We're basically competing. You are essentially competing. So there's a chance that whatever you do

is going to take anywhere from one to 10 hours. Every five hours, Willy's army is going to improve in a random one of 12 ways. So it's a D12, not a D10, sorry. In the same vein of what I was saying earlier in terms of I'm going to try to be your opponent properly for this sort of big finale,

whatever we do for these last episodes is going to be primarily on you all and what you want to do to feel like you were preparing for the fight and bringing things to a close and doing all that kind of stuff. What are the kids doing right now? So the kids right now, they're all playing volleyball, except none of them know how to play it very well because they've never played volleyball.

Grant's played volleyball. Grant's played volleyball? Yeah. Okay, Grant's trying to teach the others how to play volleyball. What's up, Grant? Hey, Dad. Oh, you're back. Oh, and he runs up and he gives you a big hug and he goes, oh, you're back.

Okay, cool. Hey, buddy. Honestly, we got a lot of stuff going on, but we're going to take a little break. Everybody, we just need like a little bit of a beach day. I was wondering, maybe this of stuff going on, but we're going to take a little break. Everybody, we just need a little bit of a beach day. I was wondering, maybe this is a little weird, but we can invite anybody. Do you want to invite maybe Yeet? Or we're just having a beach day. Do you want to invite some friends?

His eyes immediately go wide, and his face immediately gets red. And he goes, I don't know about... Last time I saw Yeet, I looked like a real ding-dong, real dingus. Well, you look great playing volleyball show off your volleyball skills that's what you're suggesting dad is that i invite a cute boy over and i say hey sit there and watch me play volleyball am i right well also you know it's like sometimes if you're a dingus one day you might not be a dingus the other day yeah uh i mean i guess it's worth it.

And if we're leaving. Yeah, if we're leaving, I just thought maybe you wanted to hang with the cool kids. It's worth the spike. And also, I kind of feel bad those kids need some help. And like maybe, yeah. Yeah, I could invite Eaton's sister. I like that, Daryl. Because you know what?

We got a big adventure coming. Yeah. We've got a big battle ahead of us. And it seems like we've got a little bit of time to prepare for it. But why don't we have one last fun day in favor mental preparation right yeah mental preparation you know we just got through this harrowing oh yeah work hard play hard yeah i just want to let's blow off some steam let's have one great night where we party you know with our kids we have a good time just a

classic beach cookout and then tomorrow morning We tackle this We go to war We go to solve the problem We go to resolve conflict Right? Yeah we got a whole war to plan for I like what Daryl said war You can't really do a battle cry on resolving conflict

Oh sure you can You say Oh yeah just watch Peyton Time for things that have got to go And it's time to do them. Peyton, we'll discuss the ferocity of our battle plan tomorrow. We can deal with how violent or not violent it will be. But, yeah, I think today we deserve a break, and I think, you know,

the kids have had a tough time. In the words of one of the wisest councils in our world, the Entertainment Software Ratings Board, that rates all the video game content that I let my kids play. Tomorrow might be M for Mature, but today is E for Everyone. Let's get into some comic mischief, gang. Hey, Henry, doesn't your kid still hate you?

Glenn, that's literally the opposite of what, are you fucking kidding? Read the room. Read the beach. Yeah, comic mischief. That's great. And Henry takes a D4 of psychic damage. A D4, is that all? Take 2D12.

God damn it. I love my remote more than he loves his son. All right, how do we get Yeet and I forget his sister's name. Kill them all. Yeah, Yeet is fucking overrated. Give me Killaback. I could send a raven or I could have one of the trees go and talk to him. I got trees everywhere. Maybe we can challenge him to a volleyball match. Yeah, Yi is fucking overrated. Give me Killaback. I could send a raven or I could have one of the trees go and talk to him. I got trees everywhere. Maybe we can challenge him

to a volleyball match. Yeah. Okay, that sounds fun. Do a group volleyball match. That's what people want. That's what I want. I'll roll for this on the timetable. Henry says that while crying because he took 19 damage. Oh my god. Good. Great. So I'm going to roll for how long it takes for Yi to respond.

Nine hours. That's fair for like across the whole. Yeah. I mean, that's like fucking modest. We're a traveling team. Yeet's cool as fuck, dude. Leaves you unread for a while. Yeah. So you're just like, you know what I mean?

Honestly, you can't do a good barbecue in less than 10 hours. So I'm going to roll on the table once. So, oh, wow. Okay. So Yeet and Killa come in to the beach and Yeet. Yeet. What's up, Yeet? Hey, what's up?

Yeet, check it. Yeet. And then I throw. Yeet. What's up, yeet? Hey, what's up? Yeet, check it, yeet. And then I throw a big rock. That's how you yeet. Whoa. Whoa. So he goes, oh, Jesus. And he hooks a thumb over his shoulder. He goes, we passed by a lady with a really kind of offensive Cockney accent who was saying

something about the Daryl Barrel special she got screwed out of. And she's really angry. And she's going to go join some army in the forest outside Neverwinter. Oh. I heard Daryl and it sounded like it might be somebody.

She should have gone with the Stampler Sampler. Yeah. If the best Willie can do is some like bar owner is like they were going to be okay. Yeah. I mean,

she looked like she'd been working out. Okay. The pause when Matt was about to say barmaid but said bar owner and said that's gross. That's gross. That's gross.

Yeah. Feminism won. So Kilo DeMol says like, yeah, and we got a message from a tree that said there was a volleyball game with the doodlers. And let me just say that my bro and I here have been pretty hungry for a rematch against you. Except this time can please nobody turn into animals. Yeah, that's fair. We're just going to have a friendly game and I cooked up

some BBQ and we're all, we're getting ready for a big battle so like we just want to relax tonight so yeah uh yeet looks over the group and he goes hey hey terry hey uh lark sparrow hey hey grant and grant what are we doing just us two versus the rest of you shot the old man why don't you go ahead and be on kids versus adults how's that oh yeah kids versus adults henry goes up to lark and sparrowrow. Hey. Whoa, father. Hey. Father. You boys are. Sparrow grabs you by the shoulders and goes, you're the same.

What happened to you? Hi, it's really nice to see you. This is great. You know, it's been so long since I was this size. I'm looking forward to maybe I can see things from your guys' perspective a little bit. Yes, of course. Of course, father. Oh, delightful.

Lark, Lark, look at father. He's tiny now. And Lark sees you and just like grips the volleyball so hard that it pops. And Aaron's like, that's okay. I have another one. We can go refill. Why don't you come with me and we'll just fill that one back up again. Yeah.

Well, your old man's going to play in this game. So are you two going to play? Oh, of course, Father. Of course. All right. Well, you know, Lark, I'm going to be on the other team. So we'll make the best oak win, right? Lark turns andark, I'm going to be on the other team, so we'll make the best oak win, right? Lark turns and sees that you're going to be on the other side,

and you gave him the gauntlets back, right? Oh, shit. Yes. So he just looks at you, and looking you dead in the eye, just puts on one of the gauntlets of ogre strength, and just with no reaction, just clenches his fist. And he looks to Sparrow, and he goes, Brother, it is time to play volleyball.

And Sparrow goes, Okay, that's fine. to Sparrow and he goes, brother, it is time to play volleyball. And Sparrow goes, okay, that's fine. Hey, Terry, your old stepman's gonna show you how it's done. Actually, have you played volleyball before? I was gonna ask you if you'd ever played volleyball. I haven't, no.

I thought that it was one of those things that I could kind of pick up as I go. Okay, so that's a good first thing is you can't pick the ball up. Here, I'll take you guys do, I'll explain. You guys do, I'll explain to Ron how to play. Nick Jr., you want to keep score? Squeak.

And Nick Jr. jumps into the beach and then it draws in the sand with its body, a big scoreboard essentially and it writes doodlers. And lines, right? And lines, yes. I just realized

if Henry's half his height, he's three, what is he? He's five foot ten, he's- He's two foot nine. Two foot nine. Yeah. Okay, all right, good to know. Yeah, so he's actually smaller

than Marcus. Smaller than Marcus. Yeah, he's smaller than Marcus. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 2'11". 2'11". We got all the dads, minus Peyton, plus Aaron, and then we've got all the kids on the other

side. So why don't all of you roll athletics, and I'll have the kids roll athletics. I got nine. I got a 15. No! Oh, okay. The seven looks like a one all the time. Because I get plus nine. I thought, okay, I still got a 16.

I got a 17. And I also want to say that Henry can't jump on himself. So he can jump like eight feet in the air. Ooh, okay. So that means roll again, Henry. Okay. I got a five. Hey, we're going to play.

What are the stakes here, everybody? Hey, adults, if we win, the kids got to... What do they got to do? They got to... Hey, we haven't done laundry in a long time. All you kids are cleaning our clothes laundry duty lark walks up to you and goes if we don't win we won't tell child protective services about what happened when we go okay whoa okay whoa buddy there's a good chance we're not gonna get out of here so good luck with that one

yeah let's give me a real give me a real wait wait what we're not gonna get out oh yeah that's some real trash talk hey we're in the game right now, buddy. If we win, we all forgive the kids for one thing we're mad at the kids about. And if the kids win, they forgive us for something that they're mad about. Okay, Henry, you're getting there. I like that. You know what? I want my laundry done, but I get it.

If we win, Larkin's Barrel, you have to forgive Henry. And if you win, what do you want? It's like, oh, okay. If we're, Larkin Sparrow, you have to forgive Henry. And if you win, what do you want? It's like, oh, okay. If we're making this interesting, then yeah. You win, Larkin Sparrow, forgive you, whatever. If we win, we get the money that you have. Oh. All of your money.

I mean. I'm in. Let's do it. Okay. Deal. You can have all 50 gold of ours. Roll deception. Hey, Glenn, how much gold do we have?

I lost count. No, no. You dare roll deception. You're not outsourcing your lies. Oh, my God. What'd you get? That's a two. So you guys, a couple thousand, a couple thousand sounds like.

Okay, I was lying. Yes, I thought obviously you were lying. I was lying. All you know is that I lied. I was lying. Yes, I thought obviously you were lying. I was like, all you know is that I lied. So Glenn, why don't you tell the truth about how much gold we have? Because I was definitely lying.

You got a two, my dude. You got a two. Make a roll of disadvantage. You gave a fucking tell on your face. Make a roll of disadvantage. No, a roll of disadvantage is still going to be 40 grand. Fuck you. You don't get to pretend you're making it fair by saying disadvantage.

All right, all right. We have a couple thousand. That's right, because we're that kind of businessman. Ron, I like the honesty. All right. Straight shooter. All right, all right. Quick down.

Hey, guys, look. Guys, we have to win this game. Look, yeah, we got to win it because, yeah, the only reason we got to win this is, well, I don't know if it's really healthy. That's the way they're going to give you. But I get you, Henry. We got to win it. I feel like we're kind of having reverse arcs right now.

Like, you're getting really open with your kids. And, like, I'm trying to solve stuff with sports. What's going on? I don't know, but look, if we lose, I mean, he's still a kid. We're not going to give him a buddy. Even if we win, my son's probably not going to forgive me. This is really just supposed to be for fun. Aaron's like, cool, as long as we all agree that

nothing's at stake here and nothing will change. Good. Yes. Okay, so everybody, you rolled athletics and combined, you got 62. So I'm going to have each of the kids roll. And then the hottie is going to roll, but they're going to roll with disadvantage. Why are they rolling with disadvantage? Because they have skateboards in the sand.

You're telling me these radical teens don't have off-road wheels for their skateboards, Anthony. That's a really good idea. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I would have heard it.

He bigly is like, just a second. Let me switch these babies out. And he does like a sick, like handstand. Like, you know what? I break the answers. Like we'll stall just on their hands with their switch these babies out. And he does like a sick handstand. You know how breakdancers will stall just on their hands with their legs in the air or whatever? He does that and his legs are in the air. He goes, killa, wheel me.

And killa, with practice, pit crew, dexterity and speed, removes the trucks and then puts on new sand tires onto the thing. And he rolls around on them and immediately starts kicking up big rooster tails of sand. It looks cool as hell. These kids are literally just Otto and Reggie Rocket. Okay, so they're each going to roll. So Grant is going to roll. He gets a 15. Grant's like, yeah, I'm pretty good.

Pretty good sports. Thanks, Dad, for teaching me how to be good at sports. I mean, you teach me. You're a good sports kid, naturally. Good job, Grant. He spikes on you and goes, nothing personal, Dad. Terry Jr. got an 8. He's like, I'm just so tired explaining to Ron. Are you winning, son?

No. Lark goes. He gets an eight. He hits it too hard and just keeps going out. And Star's like, brother, brother, you have to control the power. And Lark goes, Lark, you nailed it. It was not a good hit, Father. Good trash talk, Henry. We're getting his head. I love that. That was a trash talk.

Hell yeah. Dude, I love it. You have to do the sarcasm. Your sarcasm cuts me in the bone, Father. Dude, you're cold trash talk, Henry. Way to get in his head. Oh, no, that wasn't trash talk. Oh, it's a good sarcasm. Hell yeah, dude, I love it. You have to do the sarcasm. Your sarcasm cuts me in the bone, father. Dude, cold as fuck, dude. Cold as fuck, man. So Lark and Sparrow got identical rolls. They both got eight. Oh my gosh.

Very cute. Sparrow did it to make him feel better. Exactly, yeah. Lark hits it way the fuck out, and Sparrow's like, yes, this is how we're playing now, and then hits it in exactly the same spot. So Henry got a five on his roll,

so I would like to say that when the ball comes to Henry, he does the same thing as his son. He'll be like, yeah, it's a fun game. Who can hit it the farthest that way? No, since you rolled poorly, it should be that you

spike their asses right now. Oh, jeez. Yeah, just like a fucking dig. Everyone's like diving for it and shit. Hayden rolls a two. He just immediately hits it into the net

and it comes back at him and he goes, all right, I'll fucking fix this. And then it starts climbing up and tries to start sawing away the net, like little crosshatches of the net and make a little hole for himself. And he's like, I'll fucking fix this. And then it starts climbing up and tries to start sawing away the net, like little cross hatches of the net

and make a little hole for himself. And he's like, I'm just gonna hit it through that one right again. Boom. And then it falls, it hits a different part of the net

and it hits him back in the face. Killa knocks it into the air just real, real well. And boom goes the dynamite. And boom goes the dynamite. Killa goes, set it for me, brother. And she jumps into the air

and then like pulls her arm back even though there's no ball there. With her eyes closed. Yeah, with her eyes closed because she trusts her brother that much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah, hell yeah, dude. Geet skates in, flurries of sand ejecting from behind his cool skateboard wheels.

And he perfectly does the thing with his arms where you hold your two fists together, but not completely where your thumbs are like next to each other. Sets it. Sets it. That's a bump. Oh shit, thank you. Thank you. Geet bumps it and Killa spikes it down,

and their final summation of their score, you had 62. The combination of all their unmodified athletic scores was 65. Oh. So Killa lands, and everybody's like, yeah, Killa and Yeet. Killa and Yeet.

And they're all cheering, and Peyton's like, me, me, me. Geet bigly skateboards over the net net onto your side you can't cross the side skids a little bit and the sand goes up bad sportsmanship the sand goes up and you have to like look away like like it's like a bully it gets very much in my eyes yeah he puts his hand looks like somebody owes me a thousand gold i'm sorry are we supposed to believe that after not even a full set not even a like a whole match like literally one fucking thing that we're supposed to call do you want to do this as many more times as are invalid because i don't know what the number is here's my thought is like

could glenn get nick jr because nick jr look it's not about who wins the election. It's about who counts the votes. So I'm saying Nick Jr. Yeah, Glenn's just giving hand signals to Nick Jr. this entire time. Are you sure you guys won? Because it looks like

match point right now, my dude. I'm going to roll sleight of hand for the rat. Unfortunately, Nick Jr. got a five. They all turn and they see Nick Jr. clearly trying to like and like shuffle its entire body over the score of the hotties. And they go like they see Nick Jr. clearly trying to like, and like shuffle its entire body

over the score of the hotties. And they go like, okay, so you're trying to cheat now? You're trying to cheat to get me? That's not very sportsmanlike. What are you teaching these kids, huh? That's fair. That's a good talking to.

I don't know. That was inappropriate to cheat. Look, the fact is, we already gave you a ton of money and I was mostly, I was just wanting to have, we can't give you the money. Then why did you agree to it in the first place?

That's not sportsmanlike. Excuse me, if I can explain this in business terms i will uh businessly speaking it's not about having the money it's about telling other people that you do have the money and so now you're in a unique position a special opportunity if if you will, that you cannot have the money but tell people that you do. And I think that that is less troublesome than worrying about actually having the money. All right, if you're going to Welch,

here's what I want instead. I'm English. I'm going to point at each one. My mom was Scottish. Nice one, Ron. I'm going to point at each one of you and you're going to say, Yeet and Killa, we lost to you.

That's what's going to happen. Okay. And he points at Glenn. Glenn's still wiping sand out of his eyes. Like, ah! I can't see shit. You don't use your eyes to admit inferiority. Fine.

Fine. You fucking kids, you won, all right? Ah! Henry. Yeet and Killa, we lost to you. Ron. Yeet and Killa, you won. Daryl.

Yeet and Killa, we lost to you, Ron. Yeet and Killer, you won. Daryl. Yeet and Killer, we lost to you. You guys, you're both just incredible athletes and you totally beat us and I'm sorry. I was just cheating. I wasn't trying to cheat. It's just I shouldn't have. Anyways, that's a lot of money. I hope you appreciate it.

You're great. Also, Yeet and Killer, have you checked out this mall? Ah, fuck. You guys should check out this mall. Hashtag ad. You know, you admitting that you're not as good at us, that's almost worth a thousand gold. So thanks.

But since you welched, just in case you were thinking you might be able to recruit us for your fight coming up, just let you know that's off the table now because you welched. Oh. I don't think that. We're kids. We don't want you to fight.

I mean, you could have had us do any number of other things. We could have been scouts or transmitted messages or distracted people or gotten some other people that we play football with. So I would never pay kids to do that. Yeah, but you could have gotten us to get people that throw it, run it, catch it down the field. Hey, we draw the line in child soldiers, all right, kid?

We just invite you to have a good time. Yeah, we do. And then you try barbecuing food here. You don't count. Okay, I'll have fun the rest of the time I'm here, but I just want you to know, you lost an ally today. Hey, you can just tell us straight. I mean, we're competitors and all, but we care about you,

and I know you guys have a tough life. Do you need more money? Like what's going on, kids? It would be nice to have a house. How much is a house? Like 200 gold. Oh, wait, is it really 200 gold? According to the actual rules of like D&D stuff, like a gold is like how much you would

pay a person for one day of work. And you can save up a house with 200 days of work. With the years. Assuming that we're in like boomer times. I was going to say times okay dnd canonically takes place in 1952 yeah glenn how much money do we have 1697 gold oh yeah we'll give it look we care about you you're my son's friend you're good kids here's 200 gold you gotta do one thing for me the second you just hand them 200 gold their eyes get very big and kill is like uh yeah

actually two things for me i don't like where this is going. Yes, what would you do? Stay here and have some grub tonight. Ah. Ah. And give us all a high five. All right. So both Killa and Yeet give you very solid high fives. And Yeet's like, yeah, so I guess we should get some, what, some coconut drinks or something?

The first round's on me. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm rich. Woo. We're going to buy a house. Hey, Grant. And Grant's like, ooh. Because Grant's just been staring at him, just blushing the entire time. Henry takes this opportunity to go up to his two beautiful boys. house. Hey, Grant. And Grant's like, eh. Because Grant's just been staring at him, just blushing the entire time. Henry takes this opportunity to go up to his two beautiful boys.

Okay. Hey, boys. It's me, your tiny dad. My tiny loser father. I love you so much. I love you too, Sparrow. And I love you too, Lark. And I know things have been tough lately, you know, and that's okay.

We're going to get through it. But I feel like being a kid for a day, you know? I feel like I'm back to kid size. And, you know, I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. Your grandpa was kind of a jerk and didn't want me to have a lot of friends. And I always wished that I had brothers. You know, I think if I had two friends like you growing up, if I had two brothers like you growing up, that would have been really swell. And what if for the day we're just three friends being kids together? Why don't we just go have some fun? I feel like I spend so much time thinking about what you should be doing and I don't spend a lot of

time listening to what you want to do. So why don't we, this is kind of silly, I guess, but I always thought it'd be fun if we could have like a fun, like adventure together or something like that. So if you want to- Oak adventure, no rules, kids. Yeah. You know, I know I'm not great at enforcing the rules really, but at the very least, I'm constantly putting the expectation there. And, you know, maybe I disappoint you guys a lot. And so I don't know. Do you guys want to just go like poke around the woods or something?

You guys want to go find some cool rocks? Sparrow's like, oh, father, that would be delightful. Our new brother, Father Henry Oak. Oh, that would be the chaos we would have gotten up to if we had been your brothers. Oh, I can't even begin to imagine. And Lark's like, yes, father, let us play bloody knuckles. I'll go first. He says, raising his golem fist.

And then Sparrow's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Let's just go into the, let's go into the forest and gallivant, shall we? We will find adventures. We will climb trees. We will jump off of trees onto other trees. You know, Sparrow, I love you so much for, you know, smoothing things over. That's real mature of you, But you're a kid too. And you don't have to speak for your brother.

And you know, like if he's angry right now, it's okay for him to be angry. Lark, why don't you and I go talk? Okay. And you can tell me whatever is in your heart and I will listen. That's not something kids do with each other. I thought you, I thought today was the one day where you were going to be a kid. Well, I wanted to be a kid and then you, it seems like. You took it back so quickly.

You know, but- You couldn't handle 30 seconds of childhood, and I have to do this all the time. I'm sorry. Lark, why don't you and I talk man to man? Ah, so I'm a man now. For this conversation. Oh, how quickly the web dissipates once I poke at it even a little bit. No, no, you know what?

Gosh darn it. You are young men. You're young men. Now, you guys can read young adult novels, and that means you're young men. And it's time I recognized that, and it's time I respected it. So yeah, Lark, why don't you and I go have a conversation man-to-man? Hmm. Okay.

But, Sparrow, if I call for you, come at once and spirit me away from whatever conversation Father is trying to lure me into. That's fair. And Sparrow, if I call for you, come at once and spirit me away from whatever conversation father is trying to lure me into. That's fair. And Sparrow, likewise. Hey, Terry. Yeah. Come here. I'm over.

I'm over by the beach. I guess you could see that. It's the whole thing is the beach, but I'm over here by the water. Are you doing okay? I, yeah. We don't have to talk about if you don't want to. I just wanted to check in. I want to want to talk about it, but I don't have to talk about it if you don't want to I just wanted to check in I want to want to talk about it

but I don't want to right now if that makes sense is there anything you want to talk about it's just a lot of stuff and I don't want to talk it feels weird to talk about my stuff while you've just found out your dad tried to kill you and stuff

I like hearing about you and learning about you. So, yeah, there's nothing bad in that for me. Okay, we'll start with favorite things that you like to do. Okay. Favorite things. This is how I fish. So I've got the fishing rod right here. And then I have this lure.

And it's a new one. I just got it at the mall. Hashtag ad. Hashtag, this is an ad, by the way. Hey, Ron, don't forget you got a hashtag ad. Sorry, Terry. Glenn hanging out in the hammock with Nick Jr. Hey, Ron, Ron, you got a hashtag ad.

Hashtag ad. Sorry, Terry, this is just to be transparent. This is hashtag paid promotion for the mall. I really like the way you do the ad, though. It just feels like it's coming from your personality. I know. It's so natural. Sometimes you joke around a lot without actually getting to the marketing copy,

but I think that makes it feel more genuine. Yeah, you can tell that I'm really invested in it. I'm not like other Rons. I'm not like other businessmen. I thought that about you the very first moment I saw you. So anyway, I just got this new lure today. And, you know, I have a, you know, a history with lures.

They seem kind of attached to me. Anyways, but this one is new and there's no, you know, there's nothing really attached to it sort of emotionally or spiritually. But I want you to have it if you want and if you don't want to have it then that's cool too but it was just like I want you to know that if this is our family lure you can have it and you're good enough for it always and so how I fish is I take all this stuff and then I put it away and then I stick my feet in the water and then I just sit here for a couple of hours. I think everything you say about the way you like to fish

gets said after, because after you say like, hey, this is your lure and you deserve it and all that kind of stuff, he kind of just throws an arm around you and then like kisses you on the temple, you know, the side of the head. And she goes, thank you very much, Ron. That's very nice.

And then you, yeah, when you explain putting your feet in the water he goes yeah that sounds that sounds great i'm not i've never really been into the idea of fishing just like just sort of ruining somebody's day while they're at home essentially in the water so yeah and i like i like i've put the feet in the water that's cool but i'll hold on to the lure is nice this is cool yeah fish aren't biting today though huh no you hate to see it fish aren't biting today though huh no you hate to see it so henry is walking through the forest with lark or through the i guess the grove of hot trees yeah you're just sort of walking past a bunch of shirtless hot dudes essentially that are also trees uh we're walking through the forest and henry says to lark maybe we can start here i

if you're ready and if you want to talk about it, you know, tell me, just tell me what's in your heart. I don't wish to, Father. Explaining and justifying my feelings feels like additional labor on top of the labor I'm already doing not to lose my shit completely. Do you want to just lose your shit? No, trust me, you don't want me to lose my shit. I can handle it, Lark. Whatever's in there, believe me, I've seen some pretty and felt some pretty hard stuff. So, you know, as your father, I just want you to know that even if you don't like me, it is safe for you to tell me how

you're feeling. Okay, cool. I don't like you. Done. Okay. I... Walter would have legs if you were better at your job. Ooh. Ooh. Hear Glenn from far away. Far away. Ooh, very quietly. Ooh, hashtag ad. Daryl just walks up and grabs Glenn by the shoulders. He's like, hey, just leave.

Dang, man. Come back to the hammock, dude. Just like, we're good. Leave this one alone. I guess that's fair. I can't. I don't know what to say, man. I wish I knew something to say to make it better, but you're right. This is a scary world and we don't know the consequences

of all our actions when we make them. You know, I, all I can tell is you, I tried to make the choices that I thought would be best to protect you, but I, you may, maybe you're right. Maybe if you'd had the gauntlets and I had trusted you, then things would have gone differently. And I'm, I'm sorry. Okay okay has this conversation sufficiently unburdened you of whatever guilt you were feeling does my explaining my irritation the fact that one of my best friends is now lark it's okay to be angry it is not okay to be cruel shit and you know that and you can be as angry at me as you want, but it's not okay to be cruel to anybody.

So maybe I'm pushing this too hard. Maybe you're getting upset, and maybe we can talk when we get back or not talk or however it's going to work, but I'm... Let's just call it a night. So the real fucked up thing is as he's saying these things and as you're looking at him, you can tell he's not like upset.

He's not like not in control of his emotions in the way that you would think of somebody of his age being. He's clearly thought about this. And so he just goes, OK, I'm going to kill him. He's 12. He'll get over it. So Lark just starts walking back to the beach and not really waiting for you and henry just henry just walks back tiny henry i just remembered you're tiny also from the stump that he was on the moment the moment henry like comes out of the tree line he doesn't see daryl but like just a hand holding not fucking now daryl he's just holding

kombucha not get it not now and daryl not now man i think thank you i i appreciate it but i i just that sucked and i need some space daryl just drinks the kombucha and then spits it out that shit sucks right yeah it's not it's not good daryl, as the two good dads in the group. What's up, Glenn? Do you think we should... What do you think, Glenn? Do you think we should step in here, help out our fellow dads? I mean, Ron seems to be... I think we should kill a 12-year-old.

No, let's not kill a 12-year-old. What's Grant doing? Grant is hanging out with Yeet and Killa. The sun's beginning to go down. They're sitting around a campfire, and they're telling stories. And Grant is very clearly like his body language is very closed off and he's very nervous but he's like smiling and laughing but he's still very terrified

and he's just being very charismatic and you know Grant's nodding along. Ron is like at the fire around the kids too telling scary stories I'm sure. I feel like you could definitely tell that Ron is getting far more scared than the kids as he's telling the stories. I go yeah this kombucha really sucks, man.

You want to sit down and just share a beer with me, Glenn? Yeah. You got it tough. Hell yeah. I had it tough as well. It's been great. Yeah. Right, Nick Jr.?

Huh? Squeak. Nick Jr., you want to get trashed? Squeak. Squeak. Yeah, all right. It's up to you. All right, bro.

Let's go. Why was that so funny? Daryl holds Carol's letter about to read it. Whoa, is this guy heavy? No, but then he hears you talking to the rat and Daryl puts the letter back in his pocket. You go, say, Glenn, you need to talk, man? Or you want to just sit here and drink? You know, in a good sort of dad tradition, I don't know what to talk about. Let just sit here and drink you know in a good sort of dad tradition i

don't know what to talk about just let's sit here and drink bro yeah let's do that yeah let's do that hey daryl yeah i think i did pretty good today huh yeah you remember that like monster that came at us in the woods like and one shot it like no problem protected the group and all yeah yeah probably net positive for the day in In my opinion, the old Glenn book, let me just pull that out. Glenn pulls out a small notebook and then for the day, Mark's like, check,

did good today. And then as you flip through it, it's been like a string of X's. Yeah. Of like 2000 days. It's just like, no, it's a flip through.

It's like, yeah, I'm trying to turn this downward trend around. Combo breaker. Combo breaker. You know, how you doing, man?

Hey, Peyton. Yeah. No, not you. Oh, I'm going to go back to hearing scary stories. Rod's got this really scary.

What about a businessman? He was like business cards. We're like, don't tell me. Daryl. Yeah. what's up gunn have you given any thought about what to do with uh your dad boy yeah i don't at first i'm not quite sure i understand it but i'm not honestly i don't want to kill payden or not kill payden but i'm also just like what happens to frank like if he like i don't know like does he come back is he gonna see me like as me now but you have to do it if you want to go back home right i'm not i don't know

i did i you know what honestly i want to see my dad again but i'm not i'm just not sure if i want i don't know i'm not sure if i want him to see me. Like, I don't know. I hear you. I hear you. I'm just throwing it out here. Maybe it's this bad booch getting me a little tipsy. Wait, why are you still drinking the booch, dude? Here, I got you up here. There you go. There we go.

Dump this shit out. Glugs it out into the fucking sand. Nick Jr. laughing it up. Also goes bleh. And watching you from a distance, a single tear falls down her eye. Do you have any idea how long it takes to ferment mushrooms? Yeah, let's throw it out here. If Peyton needs a bro in this world, I'm like 50-50 on going back, to be honest.

Really? You don't want to go back? You know, I've just been thinking about it. It doesn't seem like there's much for me over there. It seems like... Can you DJ here? Pfft! It'll be alright, cause that's just life Even if you die, it'll be alright It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright It'll be alright, cause that's just life

All you do is try, it'll be alright Dungeons and Daddies as Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson Anthony Burch as our DM Will Campos as Henry Oak Beth May as Ron Stampler Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Our theme song is All Right by Maxton Waller.

Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to our Patreon supporters by the name of jellyfish pancake, Ashley, Kyle Mayo, Roberts, Whisperer,

whisper, wind, Josiah, Miklos, Kate, W SIF, Jenny, Christian,

Wade Miller, Lindsay Heskett, Dustin C, Darrell, Bedassi, Jada Crouch, no remack kid, Eddie current,

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dungeons and dads. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. Our next episode is coming at you July 27th. We will see you then. There was a time

when you could read between the lines You know they never brought you down Never brought you down never brought you down wait a second i'm looking at a picture of a remote on my computer right now and it has a button that just says go back