Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 63 - Meet the Parents

Episode Date: July 27, 2021

The dads begin the process of recruiting allies from all across the land for their final battle.This episode contains profanity, violence, alcohol use, and a reference to self harm.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCourtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerChad Ellis provides additional editingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hey, Maul, this is version three of the ad read with some of your notes addressed. I brought the background track down a little bit and I tried to stay a little bit closer to your copy, but I mean, you know how it is. I got to play a little loose with it. You make sure that it's in my voice. I think it's important that, you know, ad reads be authentic.

I mean, you'll see what I mean. Hopefully you'll like it. Again, it feels like it needs to be said. If I had my gear, it'd probably be a little bit better, but I'm working with what I got. So anyway, check it out. Looking to decompress at the beach after an emotional, devastating encounter with your dad? Then you need to stop by the mall for Mall Summer of Savings. Hey folks, it's me, Glenn Close here, internationally renowned guitarist and DJ, here to tell you that the savings are out of this world. There's something for everyone.

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We can't do that without a net and a ball. And if you don't have a surrogate son in the form of a rat, oh, God, don't forget scorecards. All that and more at Maul's Maul. If you mention this hashtag ad, you can get 15%, that's right, 5-0, 50% off of your entire purchase. And make sure you tell Maul that Glenn sent you. It's really important that you mention that. Just write the top when you when you see her just let her let her know and hashtag yeah welcome to dungeons and dad, not a BDSM podcast.

A Dungeons and Dragons podcast, in fact, about four dads from... In point of fact. In point of fact. In rumor, I would say. About four dads from our world who are flung into a land of high fantasy and magic in a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bar DJ dad of the group. Hi, Freddie. Hey, everybody.

This week's Glenn fact. A little one that I... Somebody do a matchup. I'm pretty sure Freddie has laughed before every one of his dad facts. And he can literally have just a pure montage and be like, dad fact. I don't know if you realize this,

but that's just a thing anime characters do and Freddie. Those are the only two groups of people. Like almost every single time Glenn's about to say anything, he goes, heh, and he goes and then says the thing presumably while also flipping his hair and pushing his glasses up so they go shing i love it this is a just try to do it without laughing no no freddie you're a beautiful person you are i'll do whatever i want this week's dad fact comes to you from tiktok uh because this is something that i've done. And I thought this was a great thing that Glenn could do, too.

Glenn is a member of AARP, the American Association of Retired Persons, because he saw TikTok about it once, like Freddie did. Turns out you don't have to be retired to be a part of the AARP. This feels like cultural appropriation to me. I'm just going to put that out there. Guess what? If they discriminated you based on your age, they'd be violating Title VII. But it's not about your age. It's that you're clearly not retired.

Well, it doesn't matter because the discounts. There are boomers getting their fucking moons over my hammy discounts watching you and crying. So let's just talk about our discounts that you can get. You got car rentals, cruises, flights and vacation packages. I'm in. Hotels and resorts. You name it, you get hotel discounts here. You know who needs this is college kids

yeah like 20% off Regal Cinemas when I was in college would have been a game changer I mean with all the discounts that seniors get

at movie theaters like movies are paying them to go watch please watch Marvel it's good I swear yeah Regal Concessions and Regal Movie Tickets and the concessions

concessions yeah let's see with this card you get $3 off popcorn and soda. $3? $7? For $12 a year, my friend. Four popcorns and you've made your money back.

Exactly. Audible? You guys are sitting there, chumps, paying for Audible? You get two bucks a month. That's a movie pass thing. Everybody's going to get it for decided. Unless the AARP is going to fall out. But you do know that we're adding an ad after the intro now, so maybe we don't want to just

do an ad for the AARP right now. Glenn's part of the AARP. I'm signing up right now, and it does say when you put in your birthday, it just goes, some of our benefit providers do have specific age requirements. So AARP doesn't, but some of the people who give you the discounts do. Bet you Regal does. Bet you Regal ain't giving you $3 off, Freddie. They're going to see you walking in with that card.

They're going to be like, turn around, sir. Has Glenn ever gotten called out on his AARP card? Has he ever gotten into it? Well, here's what Glenn does. Because Glenn just kind of like tips his sunglasses. He goes, excuse me? How old do you think I am? And he just stares him down.

And it's like, no one's going to fucking fight you on that. I was seeing a discussion about parasocial relationships. And somebody said, I don't know. It's not that I really like Freddie. But it's just like, I feel like Freddie's a cool guy cool guy to hang out with well you now know exactly what it's like to hang out with freddie beth beth rainforest cafe oh you know i'm still talking about everybody i'm matthew arnold i play daryl wilson a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering the forgotten realms i always think entering his wife too because of you will so going down the

journey of the seven deadly sins honestly i was a little afraid of saying this one because i feel like this is criminal this is the worst dad fact i think i'll finally beat henry no no this is honestly i don't like daryl my power so this is daryl's greed and daryl's a pretty good sharer he's not really selfish about most things but if you tell me he doesn't go down on people, I'm going to kill off Daryl this episode. People is plural. So no, he does not. But he goes down.

He goes down. We're not talking about lust right now. We're talking about heroes do. He eats all the best chips and nachos. What do you mean? Oh, like he goes for it. Like only even though there's that rule of restaurants and like fast those fucking like the load bearing yes like that one chip that got all the guacamole like he just becomes round he does

not give a shit about anybody he only when it's done if you look away for more than two seconds it's just a it's just a plate of chips because of daryl and he feels no shame it's just he hates he doesn't like tortilla chips but he loves nachos and that's it's green. I literally remember there was one time I finished the nachos. I eat nachos a lot. There's one time I finished a nachos was like the last chip got the last amount of like stuff. And it was just like done clean plate. And I was like, how did this happen? Like literally the exact right amount of chips.

It's like when the bouncing DVD logo hits the corner. You came over. You're done with restaurants. Wow. You beat nachos. Congratulations. I literally still with restaurants. Wow. You beat nachos. Congratulations. I literally still think about that every time I eat nachos.

I was like, remember that one time I got it right, Freddie? And I go, yeah, I do. It was amazing. Nailed it. Hey, everyone.

I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the Birkenstock, rockin' crunchy, munchy, hippie, nature druid dad. Finally got it right. Got it in one.

Stomped all over it. Got it in one. The official voice of fictional character Henry Oak, I should say. I'm a real dad. I forgot to say that. Not a kid. My Henry fact is we got a, I should say. I'm a real dad. I forgot to say that. Not a kid.

My Henry fact is we got a different one, but then Freddie started talking about TikTok. So Henry's favorite TikTok is the talk about tics that he gives on the geology nature walk at the San Dimas Museum of Natural History. I love it. I love it. That's good. I love it. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week.

Ron is feeling pretty powerful on the beach after this last episode because actually he thinks that every grain of sand is like some long forgotten like civilization, you know, the whole. Actually, we're getting into geology territory here with this. But, you know, it's sort of like erosion and stuff like that, ground down over millions and millions of years. And he feels a little bit like a god holding sand in his hand, like, you know, holding different civilizations and stuff like that. Whoa. Fun fact about Beth this week is that she had a hard time coming up with a good Ron fact.

And does it show? Yes, but we're still early in the episode. Let's see if she can make it up. Quick question, Beth. When Ron looks back on the beach and sees only one set of footprints, what happened there? One set of footprints, well, that must have been the one-footed pirate. There you go.

Jumping back in. Jesus Christ. She's in. One-footed pirate. One-footed pirate. Hi, I'm Anthony Birch I'm your dad I don't know if it's dad fact but I guess housekeeping I've mentioned on the podcast before

that this story is coming to an end and I wanted to be clear the podcast is not coming to an end we are going to continue Dungeons and Daddies just with a

potentially a new story but it'll be in the same universe as this campaign we're calling this campaign currently we're thinking about calling this campaign fuck it we're calling this campaign Odyssey so when you think of calling this campaign, fuck it, but we're calling this campaign Odyssey.

So when you think of these four dads in a van trying to find their kids, you can think Dungeons and Daddies, colon, Odyssey. We're doing it in the same universe? I don't even think I knew that. Spoiler alert. That's my plan, the same universe. Okay.

There's going to be some relation to our characters or something. Yeah, probably. Maybe. Maybe. It depends on what you do because if all of you end up dying and getting all of your kids killed,

I don't know. Whoa. I guess, you know. You know what? i'd never assume that the kids could die really i never i was like yeah we all might die i'm excited that we're coming back for another season i think that's really compassionate yeah we've been renewed god first time for you guys huh well i just it feels really compassionate because most podcasters are euthanized after We've been renewed. Yeah, we've been renewed. God, first time for you guys, huh? Yeah. Well, it feels really compassionate because most podcasters are euthanized after their first successful season.

They have to be put down. Well, I mean, not all of you are making it to season two. Yeah, I got some contract negotiations. Sorry. To summarize what happened last episode, it was a beach episode. You hung out, basically laid out the structure of... Oh, sneeze is coming, sorry. Nope.

Damn. Naughty report. Last episode... Holy shit. Holy shit. The fact that you stopped it from happening doesn't mean it wasn't going to happen. Why'd you hand me a Kleenex?

Because you were going to sneeze. There's a snotty handkerchief rolling down a thing that's just got my name on it. He's a pre-snot. Booger. My wife's telling the bathroom, she's like... So last episode, we did a beach episode and sort of laid out that you have actions that you can

take to prepare for this final showdown with the omega dads and every action you take is going to take a certain amount of time and depending on how much time you take the omega dads will upgrade the defenses that they have so earlier today i sent you all an email that would sort of summarize some of these rules and let you know some of the stuff you're going to be dealing with. Yeah, the Google Doggle said, I'm fucking going to kill you. Yeah, I hadn't eaten lunch when I wrote it.

Hungry, Anthony. Hangry, hairy butt Anthony. Oh, no. Tiny Henry goes to bed inside a big seashell and goes to sleep and crawls out the next morning and goes, oh, I think I grew an inch. No. Hey, everyone.

How's it going? Oh, man, my back hurts. I don't know why I slept in that seashell. I thought that would be fun. Henry, why were you sleeping in that tree? I'm not Henry. What are you doing in my house? Sorry.

Okay, sorry. No, you got to start this episode. You got it. Henry gets up. He falls out of the tree that the seashell swept up into in the middle of the night. Oh, geez. Ow. Yikes.

Well, guys, it was a great night last night. I think today is the day we start our plan to go home. Who's with me? None of us are awake yet. You piece of shit. What's like a sexy tree? Here's you. Oh my God, you got to sleep in the arms of the sexy tree.

Holy shit, yeah. Sexy tree cradled you to sleep last night, bro. Dude, Henry party's hard. Things happen between Henry and the tree. As you're saying this to everybody, night, bro. Dude, Henry parties hard. Things happen between Henry and the tree. As you're saying this to everybody, you can see... No, because I want to play in Matt's space. I'll play along with Matt. Oh, jeez, looks like everyone's still asleep. Boy, I better go wake them up.

Oh, hey, buddy. How's it going, Henry? Hey, Daryl. You're looking great still. Oh, that's so sweet. You and Glenn all curled up like spoons together. Oh, yeah. It was cold. It's cold in the hammock. Did you guys have a good conversation last night? See, Henry, it's cold in the hammock because you're 360 surrounded by air. That's better to body

heat. That's very true. That's a good point. And it looks like Ron. Hey, Ron, wake up, buddy. Hey, sorry. Just got to open the bay windows on my sandcastle house. Aaron's like, come to bed, honey. It's a suburban mini mansion

with a driveway. Daryl starts digging up some of the sand because late last night he put together a clam bake, but with vegetables and any food he had, so he's digging up the food for breakfast. Oh, well, great. Wait, is clam bake a food thing? Yeah. You ever done a clam bake? Okay, well, yeah, no, I Glambake a food thing? Yeah. You ever done a Glambake? Okay.

Well, yeah. No, I just, I literally just never knew what it really was. I'm with that. I've heard that. I've never actually known what that means. It's a big pit in sand. And then you put like coals or other stuff. And then usually. What other stuff?

Anything that makes fire. Usually you cover it with either like a tarp or leaves, depending on where you're going to cook your food in. And you just put all the seafood into the pit and then you cover it all. And then it just like bakes over the course of like many hours. I prefer the other version. That's very cool. Okay.

So you wake up Daryl and you see Yeet skateboarding across the sand, spraying sand in the air as he does. So towards you and he's holding something in his hand and he goes, Hey, Mr. Wilson. Hey, you want carrot or sausage, buddy? And I pull out a carrot and a sausage from the sand from the sand yeah oh i guess i'll do a carrot yeah oh okay i like that yeet so he takes a carrot and like bites out of it kind of like bugs bunny and he looks really cool just like bugs bunny uh my my my style icon the coolest

totally different character if i think about it it's bugs buddy i love it i'm just gonna if you had to pick the coolest like looney tune obviously it's bugs he goes hey uh that's a cool son you raised there man that's a cool son well glenn yeah it's a cool son yeah i like i grant's cool i just want to let you know grant's cool yeah i know grant's cool yeah he's the best he was real nice he He apologized to me for you trying to cheat me out of a bunch of money. Yeah, that was a low point for me, I got to admit. I'm really sorry about that. It's all right.

Grant kind of helped patch things up. But I wanted to give you something, so I'm not going to go fight with you against your dads or whatever. But I did want to give you this. And he opens up his hand, and you see what looks to sort of be almost like a Super Bowl ring. And this was an item sent to us by Griffin Meehan. Thank you, Griffin. And it's called T-Bow's Ring. Oh, no.

T-Bow's Ring. I don't know anything about football, so Tim Tebow sucks. I feel a moment of close through. When you wear it, anything you can pick up and fit in your hand, you can throw in a perfect spiral pass up to 100 yards. That's cool. Love that. That's cool. Somebody that. That's cool. Somebody else will have to catch it on the other end.

For exactly one season, and then you have to go play minor league baseball. You're giving this to me? Because Daryl can already do that, right? I mean, no, Daryl's never been that great at throwing a football. He puts it on. Is that really anything? As long as you can fit it in one hand, yeah.

All right. I grab a fish from the clam bake. Okay. Launch that fish, Daryl. Go along, Glenn. I'm just going to watch you throw it if that's cool. Okay, and I just throw it. Wait, I cooked this thing. I'm just going to watch you throw it if that's cool. Okay, I just throw it. Wait, I cooked this thing.

I cooked this. You already left your hand. You throw a perfectly well-cooked fish 100 yards. The moment I leave my hand, it's like, no, it's going to get sandy. That's perfectly cooked fish. A hundred yards away, Henry is taking a big yawn, and he says, I've been vegan my whole life. I love it.

And a fish lands his mouth and goes, ah, Daryl, jeez, come on. Good toss, Daryl. Good throw, though. Yeah, how was it? It was pretty good. Do you want to eat more of it?

No. Wow, this is awesome. Thank you so much. Yeah, I just wanted to give that to you so you can use it and let Grant know that I think he's cool

because when I tell him he doesn't believe, I told him last night and he's still kind of weird about it and you look over and he's pointing at Grant and Grant is just staring at the middle distance going like, hey, morning, Grant even knows you're up. I didn't sleep.

Breakfast catch. And I throw another fish at Grant. And he just, and the fish lands right in his hands and he just starts sort of eating it almost robotically. How is it? It's, I can't, it tastes good, I guess. All right. Well, everybody just dig in, get some breakfast.

When you see Glenn, Glenn is laid down in the sand, face down, not moving. Glenn? Glenn? Oh, yeah, it's okay. I'm just pissing. Love that. Okay. Yeah.

I dug a hole. By the way, this is just a little tip. This is something I figured out the other day. This is a Freddy tip. No, this is Glenn tip. This is something I figured out the other day. This is a Freddy tip. No, this is Glenn talking. This is Glenn talking. This is Glenn talking. I knew where this was going the second you said you were lying face down.

Yeah, so check it out, right? If you're ever in public and you need to pee real bad, what you can do is instead of like walking into the ocean, right? You can like scoop out a little hole and just lay down face down on top of it and then pee into that hole. And then when you're done, cover yourself back up. up it's all good you peed into a hole you're too close to my clam bake for that to be comfortable are you are you like leaving right now i mean yeah it seemed like you were you know gonna train and stuff and do some work and we figured we would get back to the supper bowl and kill us like yeah well like it's been a while since we like stunted on some haters and you all were pretty good but you're not real competition

probably go house hunting too yeah yeah yeah also I've Anthony forgot that you also paid them for a house the last time you saw them at a supper bowl wait a second you forgot that too you don't know that that's the most dad move ever to just be like did we

get that by one of these are you sure I didn't give you money to the movies all? Alright, here's one. Exactly, exactly. Dads. Is Glenn still peeing? No, no. Glenn is finished and has like covered the hole and everything. Sorry. Yeah, I'm just making the bed. Tidying up.

Let me go into my walk-in closet. Okay. Gonna put the coffee on and now I'm outside. Here am oh hey ron we're about ready to make some moves here what's our plan of attack how do you how do you guys want to do this huh because i was thinking okay the first move you gotta know thy enemy, like Sun Tzu style. You know what I mean? So is Aaron here? Aaron.

Yeah. She wakes up in the bed that she shared polyamorously with Ron and Vince. Okay. No, she doesn't do that. Yeah, she wakes up on her little cot that she rolled into the sand with her and Vince. She goes, yeah, what's up? You still have those birds? I do. Because these were some smart birds. If there's any chance that they could maybe do a flyover,

some aerial photography, kind of like some, you know, satellite photos so that we can get a sketch maybe of the lay of the land. And hopefully that doesn't like count for an action because it's birds doing it. And also like, I just want to get a better understanding of what that looks like. So, you know, is there any chance that they could do that? No, it definitely counts as an action. But yeah, you could. I've actually got this little stone of farsight. And basically, I can have one of the birds hold it in their talons. And so you can sort of see what they see as they do it. So it'll be, you know, rather than a picture, you know, you'll be able to see it in real time.

Oh, like a real drone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is like a drone. This is like your whole thing, Glenn. You're like a big drone guy. So to remind you, anytime you take what It is like a drone. This is like your whole thing, Glenn. You're like a big drone guy. So to remind you, anytime you take what I'm calling a climaxion, something to prepare you for the big climax.

You know, like thinking of baseball. So I'm going to roll a D10 and I'll say how many hours it takes. And every time that you get past a threshold of five hours, the Omega Daddies will roll on their own separate upgrade table. And currently, the Omega Daddies, their table's at 13.

So two more hours, they will get to roll again. And then so they'll roll again at 15, at 20, and so on and so forth. So any action you do, including this scouting drone mission, will roll a D10 to see how many hours it takes. Now, question. Yes. Can't we do stuff while this is going on? Like, in theory, if all four dads do four different things at the same time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, if we split up. Doesn't that mean that we can, like, do four things for one? Sure. Okay. You can all do four things separately, but you'll roll four times, and we'll take the worst roll. So, Glenn wants to get a lay of the land. You know, I think that's a great idea, Glenn. That feels like the first thing we should do, because we should probably try to prepare the rest of our strategy around that, you know?

I know when I'm in the kitchen, I got to know what I'm working with before I decide, you know, what kind of quinoa I'm going to cook. All right, well, kids, I think the dads, we got to get planning. We got to get rocking. It's an early morning.

Let's just quickly say bye to Akilah and eat. How do you fit in the kitchen with all the women in there? Ron. I'm sorry. Ron, what was that about I'm just kind of nervous I thought that

if I said something Ron I think bad yeah hey kids come over here Ron if you don't mind

I feel like this is a really teachable moment cause Grant heard this oh I love teachable moments everyone everyone no he's calling me out

Aaron comes over a lot of the hot trees come over yeah you call here too but it's really important that the kids these young boys hear this. Cause Ron, that was really, it's not really a great thing to say about women.

So if you don't mind, can you tell the kids what you said and why it was inappropriate? Can you apologize to all the kids? Hunter has never been more attracted to Daryl. That's right. Beth apologized. Okay. Okay. Okay. So it's me, Ron, on YouTube.

I guess I'm here to... Some people were offended. They're like, no, no. That's bullshit. You're right, it's bullshit i i said something that was it could have been funny but it wasn't actually there was no way it could have been funny even if the best strongest manliest comedian said it still wouldn't have been funny about women in the kitchen but where women really belong is in our hearts in our minds and um so wait wait so like not on earth not physically like he's crying he's like thinking of carol well uh what i meant is that i'm in a a place where i'm not feeling very strong and I was sad.

And so I made a joke about somebody that I knew was strong because it's like, well, women are so much better and smarter and everything then men. And so, um, I'm sorry that I said that because it, it doesn't reflect how I feel and I'll do better. All right. That's a lot of guts, Ron.

Yeah, that was great, Ron. Yeah, I will be stepping away from social media. So, Ron, you're canceled for the next three skill checks. No! You'll roll a disadvantage to enough time to invite people kind of forget oh god okay i love this why didn't we introduce cancellation i think the first thing we should do is get these birds to tell us what's going on at that site we should know the situation

and then we can plan our next stratagem around that yes daryl's like listening to henry's like great let's just plan this out so he's like drawing in the sand he's like okay step one though let's all just see what's gonna go down with yeet and grant he has mine oh sure yeah so we're all just standing or just watching sure so uh you can see but not here as yeet goes over and then like grant's getting redder and redder as he gets closer and he starts to say some stuff and then grant like nods a little bit and then Grant stands and holds out his hand. And then he goes and pulls him in for a hug and pats him on the back a few times and then shakes his hand nice and hearty. And then he like goes like, oh, ow.

And like shakes his hand like strong handshake there and then punches him on the shoulder playfully. As Daryl sees his son give a real strong handshake. I think every dad is like punching Daryl. Oh, look at that. They're like squeezing Glenn's and Henry's hands. Shit! He grabs Killa, who was in the forest killing a bounty hunter who tried to

sneak into your camp at night. And she comes out holding his head and she waves bye to everybody. Those kids are gonna be alright. And yeah, the two of them head off into the forest and Grant watches them go. All right. I put on the little to-do list, check in with Grant's feelings.

Let's organize this. I got the spreadsheet on the sand here. Nick Jr., he's helping write. Let's figure this out. Well, I think we can know, again, when I'm making quinoa, I know I'm going to want to get some other stuff out of the fridge, even if I don't know what's going on with the quinoa yet. So I do think, like, maybe.

I don't know a lot, which is why I should stand aside and let people like women who know more educate me. Aaron was about to say something, and then you said that. If they have it in them, if they're kind enough to teach me, then yes. That's great, Ron, although I don't think you should expect women to do that labor for you. I just said I didn't expect you. But if they did, it would be nice. How can this room be worse somehow than Twitter? How can this room be worse somehow than Twitter?

Okay, so we should figure out who would help us out in a fight like this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. First person that I always think of, speaking of strong women, is my mom. Oh, she's a bad one. She basically kicked my dad's ass the last time they met. I know he was like, oh, uh-huh. Yeah, she saved us. Yeah, she's, you know. And so I was thinking I can reach out to my mom,

Autumn. So maybe while these birds are doing their Farscape thing, I can check out what's going on with my mom. Okay. So your mom, we got the birds. I got some thoughts with the, we'll see.

I'll let you guys know. I have some, I got a plan. I call my mom a thot. I know what that one means. That hero over there. Glenn, that is completely unacceptable. No, no, no, no, no.

You need to dunk on him five times as hard to take the heat off of you. I quote retweet him. Henry's like, hey, Ron, this you? Ron is crying. Ron's crying a little bit. Ron, what's the first thing you want to do? There's so many things I want to do, but I think I just have to take it a step at a time.

Daryl, I think you kind of broke Ron's brain a little bit. I'm sorry. Well, I mean, you didn't, again, like, it's just, you know. Anyway. You should all feel bad for how you made Ron feel. Here, Ron, I'll give you a second to think. I was thinking maybe the first thing, I know it's maybe a little just nostalgic or I just missed it, but it feels like the minivan is really powerful. Is there any way we can get the minivan back?

Like, we're going to end up on a highway. If we get through, I'm just saying, if we get through and we don't get our seatbelts on, we're just going to end up in the middle of a highway. You could get hit by a car right away. Oh, my gosh. I didn't even think about that. It's like those scenes in movies where they're in the sewers and then they pop the manhole up. And you just know that a big truck is going to come zooming down the street.

It's going to scare the willies out of me. And I'm going to spill the popcorn everywhere. I hate that. Scare the willies? Oh, geez. What if we find some way, something that Willie is scared of? Oh, well, what do you think he might be scared of, Ron? Ron standing up for himself, that's for sure.

Because Ron, you're pretty impressive. Well, I don't really know. But if everything kind of comes back to our feelings, what about that doctor that Aaron knows? Oh, Dr. Not Me, I think was their name. Yes, yes. Her name was Dr. Not Me, I think was their name. Yeah. Yes, yes. Her name was Doctor Not Me.

What are you thinking, Ron? Well, in all those crime documentaries, there are all these people who are like, what if this is what was wrong with the bad guy? And maybe if we had any clue of what was going on in our dad's minds, then like... You know, we're doing the external reconnaissance, and this is like the internal reconnaissance. I see what you're saying. I'm taking what you're picking up.

I'm taking what you're picking up. How do they say that? So Aaron goes, I can go get Not Me very easily. Do you want to do that now while everybody else is doing their thing? What are their rates? Probably free. Oh wow. Oh my god. That's because healthcare is great. Can I stay? So it seems like not me is pretty easy to get to.

Do you have any sense of like the minivan situation? The minivan situation. So when you last told me about the issue with your wives coming through, that was before you had lost the van. Yeah. Yes. So that was before you lost your van. So in that timeline,

the thing that made them come in... Uh-oh, Daryl, this is some primer stuff. Just get ready. Just get ready. Daryl's sitting down already. So if the van had stayed in the Forgotten Realms and everything had gone exactly as it was going to, eventually your wives are going to come in,

get trapped in that pyramid, become mummies, all that bad stuff. In order to change the timeline such that the van could come through you're gonna have to do something unexpected or something weird that will allow this timeline to skism off from the one that you saw faded if everything went dives his head into the clam bag it goes that was so unexpected and weird wow that was weird maybe we broke it did that do it uh roll a d20 it was 10 it's like mediocre weird yeah and it wasn't that do it? Roll a d20?

It was 10. It was mediocre weird. Yeah, and it wasn't that weird. It feels like one of the things that you would do when I told you to do something weird. So random. I don't know if it's something you can actively do. It might be something. And also, if it's something you can do to the portal, if you can get something to the other side of the portal that you weren't

planning on doing beforehand, that could be helpful. But I don't know if it's something you can like train to do right now, but maybe, you know, depending on how the fight goes, I don't know. Maybe it's something you try to do. Wait a second. The remote. We have two charges on the remote, right?

Last episode, I basically said I was going to roll a D20 once you tried the battery on the remote. Every time you used it, you pressed return. It went back to the mall. I rolled a D20 and got a natural 20. So you have two uses of the remote before the batteries fizzled out completely i know when we used the return button last time it returned the remote to where it was but you've still got the keys yeah i got the car keys i never leave yeah i never jump out of my car without my keys in them so in them is what i call If we aim the remote at your keys and we hit return,

it seems to reason they would return to the car. What if we wrote a message on the keys, like on the key chain, and sent a message back through? Oh. That's not a bad idea at all. You know who the most reliable person that we've ever met was? My dad? Intern Doug.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Intern Doug. Oh, yeah. Intern Doug. The one who died? That was his only flaw, really, was that he's dead now. Other than that, he was such a rock solid intern. Well, either way, he's not on the other end of the portal. But my point is, if you asked Intern Doug to get

this car for you... Oh, he'd find a way? Yeah. He'd find a way. It's Intern Doug. But again, he's dead. What if we returned him to life oh where is intern doug buried that's my question well he was disintegrated so he was a pile of dust outside of castle raven loft so if one of you wanted to go get him that would definitely be a role you all know i was not the biggest fan of doug that's true he was a hard worker but he was a murderer and that is where anyone he openly admitted multiple times and the fact that you don't want to deal with it henry i understand

it's something you got to talk about because our murder somebody looks at his hands he's like daryl have we not all committed the greatest that's what i'm saying is i'm trying to forgive him and also like it does feel messed up that his family maybe doesn't know what happened to him so maybe i can like go meet his family or something and like find something of him and then like click return on that and maybe i'd bring him back so here's um actually this is a question anthony yeah if we really made the effort to get doug back could we say that doug reduces all the roles from a d10 to a d8 because he's such an efficient intern such a and i a go-getter. I love that.

He's such an absolute killer, as we say in the tech industry. Yeah, that's great. I love that. Okay. Hey, Ron, I know you're a big fan of Doug. Maybe me and you can go get Doug. Do you want to go get Doug? Yeah, I'd like that.

Here's the thing. Go visit the family. Make sure they have his ashes, and then use the remote on the ashes. Yeah, we'll check in with the family and hopefully they'll have the ashes. All right. Okay. All of these seem like stuff where we have to go out and do a lot of things. Is there a way that we could get all these people to us?

Like, I don't know if you guys remember, but I am in a very successful rock band called Hi, I'm Ron. That's true. We're all in it. If I offered like a concert or something ron this is actually tying into something i was thinking about what do you mean so back in our world i don't know if you guys remember this there was a netflix documentary about the fire festival and a hulu documentary it's called burning man

well here's what i'm saying they managed to get get a bunch of chuckle fucks onto an island in the middle of nowhere with a good social media strategy. So here's what I was thinking. We scout out the portal area, and we throw our own fire festival with social media, with Ron playing the role of Ja Rule, headlining the concert, and we get, because there's going to be a big fight here,

onto this battle plane, we get everyone here. And that way, there's going to be so many people. There's going to be so much chaos. Everyone's going to be so pissed because, by the way, we're not going to feed them. We're going to use some really shitty tents. And we're not going to perform. And we're going to promise that all these things are going to happen.

And they'll be so angry i will say most of the normal people we've met here have been pretty like the first people we met were like kicking that dragon like the people here are pretty violent so you're saying we just get as many fans of hi i'm ron as possible and we rile them up with cheese sandwiches my fan base is incredibly toxic you know that's a good point right I'm not usually for this kind of grift, but I really do want to get home. It does seem like if I remember that documentary right, they raised a bunch of money.

That's true. That's true. They sold so many tickets. We could probably use that money to hire an army or something. And you know what? All the bad guys are going to be at the fire festival and then they're not gonna be guarding the thing the portal that's true it'll be the ultimate distraction slash cover

slash money making money making endeavor that we've ever come up with they're gonna be pretty surprised when they get that first flyer saying that there's gonna be a giant concert right where their portal is that's gonna be no it's got to be away from the portal right away from the portal i thought we want all these people to like close enough nearby nearby that like we don't have to you know really book okay i'm feeling sick for even suggesting this but like what you're suggesting because i didn't watch that doc i only get three dvds a month so i haven't watched that i haven't watched that um documentary yet two they were always indiana jones one and three so it's really just one dvd in rotation that's amazing but if they were all really hungry i guess when it's time you could just tell them that the food is at the portal and then, exactly. And then you essentially have a hungry mob. We'll do it nearby. Neverwinter is a big place, right?

We'll say it's nearby Neverwinter. And then, just like in the documentary, when they hold all of them in this random house and they give them a bunch of booze for like a day, then we'll direct them towards where the portal is, the battleground, as it were. So is it like that we seduce the people working with our dads to come to the Fyre Festival? I mean, listen, probably. It's going to be the hottest event in town. It's going to be a real hot ticket.

Look, as long as we're talking about hit HBO documentaries or whatever, there was also one about this. This is Hulu and Netflix, Henry. Ron's like really specific about like what things are on what streaming platform. He knows cold.

Absolutely every single thing available on every streaming ron runs can i stream it.com that's his business ron makes four hundred thousand dollars a month running jam i'm on decider oh sorry ron sorry but there was one about this guy bernie madoff and he did what's called a ponzi scheme and you could do like a scheme where we raise all this money from the people that are going to the fire festival. And then we use that money to buy off the people that are working for our debts because we say we need security or whatever. Half of them will probably quit because it's gonna be the hottest social event of the summer.

But what do we do with all those angry people? By the time they figure out what's happened, that's the beauty of it. We're long gone. That's right. We're out of here. I like that. This whole thing is starting to sound like a really big scam. And I know scam likely owes us a favor.

Do you think maybe like we could call up scam and that the favor could be like to help us put on this concert? And maybe like he would help our role in terms of it being effective and doing the stuff we wanted maybe that could scam hundreds of thousands of people to go to a concert where you're only getting served cheese sandwiches but being charged hundreds of dollars they would be scammed likely oh matt it was thousands of dollars well there's gonna be hundreds of gold or we'll figure out the prices i'm not quite sure if you can't tell that i don't really know what the prices are in this world. Well, actually.

You see a figure jump down from one of the trees. It's Fedora hitting the ground before it does. Oh, no. Those hot trees would never let him hang out with them. He nagged them really hard. Well, actually, the guy goes, well, actually, there were two documentaries that were sort of competing. They had different information. You've been referring to just the one fire festival.

There was also the other one that was a rival on Hulu. But I would love, I would love to do a good scam. Well, actually, I, Ron Stampler, already mentioned the Hulu. Yes, I was going to say you're the only one who did it correctly. Yeah. Okay. Well, actually, Ron's the best one. Ron knows what Ron's talking about.

But I heard a little birdie say that you wanted to scam, actually, and I thought I could get involved. It's hard to do. Scam well, swell actually. Swell actually. Swell actually. Swell actually. Swell likely. Swell likely.

That's what I call my dick. You know what? Never mind. Not that anymore. Now it's scam actually. I've switched now to scam actually. Swell actually. Do you think you're up for a scam?

I'm just, you know, dealing with the fact that trauma defines who you are sort of permanently in a way that I'm trying to deal with. Oh, wow. I was well actually, and then I was scammed likely, and it's like, which one am I? Am I both? Am I neither? Am I dead?

Am I alive? I don't know, but I know if I get busy and don't think about it too hard, I won't want to die. Hey, you know a good part. Yeah, we're about to get a therapist. Yeah, let's go see. We're hiring a therapist.

No, no, they'll need a therapist. Well, actually, I know exactly how you're talking about, man. We'll put you to work, baby. That works for me, because there is one thing that a man with a fedora is definitely not going to do. It's go to therapy. But what if therapy could come to you? Unless it takes the form of a hot anime waifu body pillow, I have no interest in it whatsoever.

I'm done with you. We don't have to like our employees. We just have to do the job that we're hiring them for. our employees to the job that we're hiring them for. Look, if you want someone to send out some very enticing social media posts, by which I mean I go to all the posts in all the towns and sort of scratch an advertisement for your festival. Yes. An orange square, right?

I would be more than happy to do that, but I am going to need a name for whatever the name of this cool concert is. Oh. Ooh. The RonCon? Is that a thing? RonCon's not bad. You could also be the farewell tour.

RonCon the farewell tour brought to you by... Boost Mobile. You know Boost Mobile? I can never catch him. He's always on the moon. He's so fast. Where are you at, I ask? Ron Con, the farewell tour.

Bye, I'm Ron. Bye, I'm Ron. Bye, I'm Ron is very good. Can you guys do like motion messages with sound and audio, like a multimedia experience on magic on Paper or something like that? Yes. Yeah, okay. We need to shoot a video to promote this.

Ron, it's important, though, that the people hear from you. You're the face of this operation. That's what they're going to be coming here for. So you got to really like pump up the festival, you know, get people excited for it. Glenn, you're going to be responsible for our PR and you'll get the final approval. But I think we should let Scam Actually here put together the scam. Yeah, no, I like what you're putting down though. Yeah, definitely some sort of-

That's how you say it. I like what you're putting down. You pick up what you're putting down. Okay. It's both. You can do both. It works both ways. Like me.

Canonically bisexual. So yeah, no, what I was thinking- Finally. A video asset could be pretty good. And I have brought a goblin who can draw very quickly And a goblin who's amazing at doing impressions But only once So yeah, if you want to just really quickly record something

Ron, that's something I can sort of Take to all the different posts And go Okay, hi, I'm Ron But I won't be for long Or, I actually It's one take, We got one take. You got to keep going.

You came here because you're excited for RonCon, the farewell tour. Bye, I'm Ron. But I'm still here in this video, still talking right now. If you come to RonCon, you will have so many fun things to do. Glenn, tell them what they get. Influencers can get the experience of a lifetime. Imagine partying with all the coolest band members of Hi, I'm Ron. Hi, I'm Ron.

Hi, I'm Daryl. Hey, I'm Henry. Was I in the band? Yeah. Yeah. And our new member, Peyton. Hey, what's up? I'm the roadie.

For 1,000 gold, you'll get exclusive access. 1,000 gold. A mere 1,000 gold. You'll get exclusive access. 1,000 gold. A mere 1,000 gold. You'll get exclusive access, a yurt, luxury yurts. There's packages at all price levels. But just to be clear. All price levels. Also, one gold.

You can come if it's free, too. No, no, no. We're going to the first. It may be most possible. Is it free or is it 1,000 gold? No, that's what's great because you can be all of those. It's anything you want it to be. The most exclusive, incredible tour of all time.

The most fantastic, bombastic, Ron spectacular. Ron Con. Price to start at one gold going all the way up to a thousand gold. A thousand gold is the best stuff, though. The best and craziest stuff. The best stuff. You can walk on planes and then you can take selfies and then you can have a good time. All the Daryl Barrel special and all the food and all the yurts that you could possibly want.

The most exclusive weekend experience. You've never been to a festival like this one. This will be the last time you could ever hear Hi, I'm Ron singing. If you don't show up here, you'll never hear him ever again. This is it. And cut. And then you see the goblin who was drunk with an enormous stack of drawings right next to him and the imitating goblin is like I'm pretty sure I got it. Yep, I can definitely recite that word

for word wherever post we go. So Skam actually goes like. Can you edit out some of the flubbing and stuff? Oh yeah, I'll make it a good tight 45 seconds or something like that. Nice. Hey, isn't this that one goblin that got in trouble for stealing a bunch of memes from other goblins on social media? That goblin's eyes in trouble for stealing a bunch of memes from other goblins on social media?

That goblin's eyes get really big, and it takes a D6 damage. It's like, we were trying to move past that. I was really hoping you would forget about that. That's my bad. Yeah, don't tell people I work with him. Listen, people don't forget. Okay, yeah, no, I will head off and do that, and that makes us even Stevens. No more

favors from Scam, actually, but it was a pleasure potentially taking a lot of money from people and me wetting my beak a little bit with a percentage. That was a pleasure to do. Should we iron out that percentage before we get... No, we'll figure it out along the way. I'm sure that seems reasonable. Scam actually away. Wait, Scam, before you go.

Yes. You get 5%. I think a fair cut is 5%, he says persuadingly. Okay, go for it. 15 plus 14, 29. Scam Likely's also pretty charismatic, though. Yeah, it is. Unfortunately, a 14 plus a 20,

which I'm going to say Scam Likely's resistance to scams or persuasion, is a 34, so it doesn't quite work on him. So by five, you mean with a zero at the end, correct? 50, a good old five, zero. You've already got a great deal of money. We're mostly concerned about the people getting here. Yeah, aren't you guys on your way out? Why does it matter?

That's fine. That's fine. Okay, 50%. Sounds delightful. Remember, Scam, build up FOMO, fear of missing out. That's the key. That's how they got all those idiots on an island. I think this concert's going to be full of FOMO.

It's going to be full of fire, opportunity, murder, other things. That's great. All right, scam actually away. And he grabs the two goblins and puts them on his shoulders and he bounces off back into the forest of hot trees and disappears. So that was an action, I feel like. Yeah. So I'm going to roll for that.

The things we have right now are you're going to go to your mom. Going to talk to mom, scouting the portal, and then Ron and Daryl going to find Doug. Correct? Yes. Okay. So I'm going to roll 3D10, and we're going to take the worst of all three.

That's a 10. You rolled a 2, a 3, and a 10. Oh, no. 10 hours. That's fair. We're doing three things for 10 hours. In addition to the one for bringing in this game, actually, they got a two on that one.

So they got up to 15 and then a 10 brings up to 25. So they get three data actions from the last time we talked. Okay. Shit. Okay.

Well, we're going to get a lot done right here and we're going to get Doug who's going to make it all more efficient. Let's paint the picture. Let's see what the scout says. Yeah, let's get the scout first.

Oh, no. Here's what it is. It's like the scrying stones are two little VR goggles. So it's like I'm wearing VR goggles. That's great. Whoa. It's like, I'm there.

You've got like rock goggles, rockulous, rockulous. Oh my God. Yeah. You have a rockulous quest on and you can see through them as the owl swoops and dives through. Oh God.

Oh, sorry. Let me put a dot in the middle of the screen. That'll like reduce it. Kind of, but not really. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Sorry, let me put a dot in the middle of the screen. That'll, like, reduce it kind of, but not really. Okay, okay, okay. Someone fan me. Peyton just fanned me with air,

so it's like... Peyton just blows like... Okay, that actually helps. It's a cool summer breeze, baby. It helps. It helps. So, you can see beneath you the city of Neverwinter,

and then you head over a half mile of trees, and then you see a clearing that you first appeared in this magical world of fantasy in. You can almost see it. Home.

Wow. So you see a large purple orb that encompasses what seems to be a whole lot of construction going on. So if you imagine, like, I know orbs don't have corners, but if you imagine, like, on the, you know, like, if you draw a square and then draw a circle in the middle of the square or whatever. The directions. The directions, yeah.

There are four towers with a purple crystal on the top of each tower. And those seem to be connected to that orb. Because Aaron's with you, she goes like, I think that's a dispel magic ball. So any spell trying to go through it or somebody who is under influence of a spell trying to go through it, the second they hit it, that spell is going to disable. And as you can see, it's only half of the orb is sort of showing, which means it goes underground as well. And I heard you like to dig through it, the second they hit it, that spell's going to disable. And as you can see, it's only half of the orb

is sort of showing, which means it goes underground as well. And I heard you like to dig and stuff, so that might be, you know, you might not be able

to turn into a orb. You can see within the orb, you see some people building 50-foot stone walls. You see a bunch of contractors building these very large stone walls. That was one of the things

that they got on their upgrade path. You see the lady who you screwed out of the Daryl Bar on their upgrade path. You see the lady who you screwed out of the Daryl Barrel special. She's bench pressing just really hard. You can tell that she's a challenge rating 10 creature, which means that she is well balanced for four people at level 10 to take on alone. I don't like that. You see a large umbrella under which is a vampire counting its money. And you realize this is the dadkilla from the live show that we did dadkilla that's right he's canon yeah and uh he looks angry and ready to rip somebody's head

off with his teeth you see what looks to initially be just a very large like sword swinging in the air back and forth and then it turns into a mace and then it turns into a shield and you realize this is everything the shapeshifter. No! We're going to call everything! Oh, was this your plan? It's not like everything was going to win for us but we were going to call on everything. She's also counting a bunch of money in her hands so she could potentially be swayed the other way.

Is she holding a bunch of love in her hands? Because that's all I have to give. And within that, you can see as you've seen before, or at least as I've described it before, a veritable three ring circus. You see three rings individually and you see one of them has...

Anthony's had to get it in. One of them has... He had to get it in. Each of them has a purple robed figure inside of it, casting what seemed to be some sort of spell. You can see like purple energy

coming from it, going into the portal itself. And you can see that three of them are concentrating, doing some sort of magic on it, casting what seemed to be some sort of spell. You can see purple energy coming from it, going into the portal itself. And you can see that three of them are concentrating, doing some sort of magic on it, presumably magic to close it. And they are surrounded by a group of bodyguards. How many bodyguards? There are 10 bounty hunters. Currently, those bounty hunters are building the walls. You can see 10 blue coats and David Boreanaz, and they're protecting Barry. And you can also see the Lance and 10 of his crew number three through 13 are next to bill close and willie is alone as he continues to cast this spell oh does it look like there's any space for like a field for like maybe tents like how many tents you think oh yeah no there's a big open this is only

on the northernmost end of the field and uh there's a bunch of field elsewhere what are the odds that it's a great bell ground and a great venue for our huge concert the reason we can talk during this is that it's like a movie and you're cutting to nick jr is like drawing the map in the sand and yeah glenn is explaining to us everything he saw glenn's just like straight up laid down because it totally knocked him out how woozy he is after vr you can also see that there are a fair number of the soldiers there. They're not armed with them yet, but you can see a couple of racks of bows and arrows. Yeah, we can.

Yeah. Awooga! The map is really detailed and it gets the racks and it's just the racks. The guy's like, sorry, I just stopped paying attention. Squeak, squeak. He's got distracted. And you can also see that the Lances crew is building a catapult. Fuck, a catapult? Shoot.

I mean, darn. Oh, this is a lot, guys. I thought it was going to be like 10 people or something. This is a lot. It does definitely feel like, though, that their weakness is from the sky. So as you say that, as you say that, unfortunately, you hear through the Rockulous quest, and then you see what appears to be like a black line,

and then it turns 90 degrees in one direction. You realize this is the two-dimensional dragon Radiolab, who you last fought and turned two-dimensional in Meth Bay. And 8-bit. And 8-bit, yeah. It looks like a dragon from an NES game. Oh no, those birds triggered a random battle! I'm gonna roll perception perception for it actually.

It turns and it sees the owl and it starts like flying towards it as quickly as it can. And Aaron goes, oh, got to go. I think you saw everything you need to see. Owl, get out of there. Get out of there. And the owl flies away as quickly as it can.

I'm going to roll again to see if it can avoid getting burned. It rolled an 18 on it. It's just like dexterity for getting away. So it barely, you see pixelated fire singeing the sides of your screen as the owl just barely manages to get away. But at the very least, now they know that you've scouted them out.

Well, oh boy. These dragons are a real problem. I'm going to sit down. Henry has gone completely pale at the sight of the massive army. It's okay, Henry. Never doubt the power of social media and FOMO. I don't know, Glenn.

It seems like maybe we're going to need more than a zany rock concert to win this one. Did you see they have a big wall, man? They got a wall, and they got wizards, and they've got a dragon? We got time. Do you want to tell us how it went down with your mom, or do you want to hear about how it went down with Doug? Yeah, right. My mom. My mom.

Well, boys, let me tell you all about it. Doodle-oo-loo. Doodle-oo-loo. Doodle-oo-loo. So you head back to Oakvale. And for the purposes of this montage, Henry is always eating in every scene. Like Brad Pitt. Wow.

Since 11. He's got a cool shrimp cocktail. Did you bring the kids? Yeah, I brought the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. So you head to Oakvale. As you're heading to Oakvale, you go back to your normal size. And Sparrow's like, aw. I ate the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. So you head to Oakvale. As you're heading to Oakvale, you go back to your normal size.

And Sparrow's like, aw. I ate a mushroom. Yeah. And you come back to Oakvale, and you can see that the residents of Oakvale are kind of in dire straits. The trees are beginning to wilt. They're hungry. They don't quite know what to do. There's all this oil mill they're camped.

They don't know what the hell that's for. Nobody ever came back to claim it. They invented French fries. I forgot they invented French fries. They're all just eating french fries and just being like, this doesn't feel like enough. Like, we need to do something else. But the Martian says you can just eat potatoes, though. You know what I'm saying? Barry was the one who provided for us and he's

gone now. And Autumn's like, everybody just calm the fuck down. Just, we can make food. What are you doing? And she sees you come through the forest and she goes, oh, okay, cool. Cool. Hey, what's up? What's up, Henry? Grandkids? Oh, that feels so weird coming out of my mouth. What's going on? Hi, mom. Hey, how you doing? What's going on? Oh, you found the kid. Good. I was going to warn you. They ran. Yeah. Thanks. This is real responsible. I don't, I'm okay. I'm bad at being a mom. I'm sorry.

I don't want to put you on blast. Look, mom, what happened here? What's going on? It turns out, I guess your cousins, I guess I would call them, they sort of were bred to worship Barry and always listen to whatever he wanted them to do. And when you, well, when I sort of killed his homunculus, they at least expected the real one would come back and help them out and give them purpose. But he just kind of, you know how he is. They didn't do good enough.

He didn't think they were worth it. So they're all sort of abandoned looking for direction and I'm trying to do it, but I'm kind of, you know how he is. They didn't do good enough. He didn't think they were worth it. So they're all sort of abandoned looking for direction and I'm trying to do it, but I'm not exactly. I couldn't raise one kid. I can't raise 50. Oh, mom, you know,

I mean, come on. You don't have to do that. I mean, let's not, we don't have to mince words. I was shitty. I was bad. I'm sorry. I never properly apologized to you

when you were here. I want to apologize. I'm sorry. Henry hugs his mom, says, mom, that, you know, that means a lot and I love you. I love you too. Henry hugs his mom, says, Mom, that means a lot, and I love you. I love you, too. And she pats you on the back. Do you want to kick dad's ass? Oh, very badly. Look, I got to get home. I got to get my boys home. And dad and a couple of the other dads are trying to block this portal, the portal we came through. And they've got an army,

and we're putting together an army, too. We've got a pretty crazy plan. By the way, if you see any flyers about a really fun music festival, don't give them any of your money because it's a kind of side hustle we've got going on. As you say that, you see a bunch of the Oakvalians. We're going like, oh, and then you can see that they're holding these flyers, and she's like, oh, that was all they were looking forward to. There's a soccer team that's like selling chocolates, and we're like, please get us enough money so we get the wrong they saved up everything for

the thousand golds here oh that's a bummer so look i need your help you're the most powerful woman i know you're next to my wife of course uh yeah not that i want to rank you too that seems weird i'm not you know you should definitely be pitted against each other in here i mean he's on this whole tear right now putting putting people on blast anyway. Cancellation dare. I think it's like a power trip for him a little bit. I mean, maybe you've been rubbing off on him. So, mom, I any help you could give us would be amazing.

And maybe this is like, you know, dad needs to face what he's done. He needs to be held accountable for the community he's abandoned. So I turn to my directionless hippie family and I say, if any of you want to face Barry, you know, like that's some, you can join us. You can join us in our fight. You know? Sparrow jumps onto Rock and says, yes, yes, disenfranchised

acolytes of Oakvale, why not rise up and take up arms against your absent god, against the man who promised you so much and delivered so little. Why not follow a better, cooler God? Daddy! And he points at you. I'm not, I'm not.

My daddy is God. My dad's your new God. What if you followed my dad? What if God was my dad? Sparrow, that was, you know, as the kids say, pretty based. But, you know know I just want that's what that means right based on what that's based

on something called AF I don't know what that's about but I says the whole point is that we don't need gods we don't need you know to worship someone you don't need to have that kind of relationship this should be a community that is founded on beliefs not on men and you know on people this is about you know like democracy and all i daryl should be here he'd be able to die reads all those history give me a persuasion role

oh god henry's so bad at persuasion before henry left glenn gave henry bardic inspiration by being like henry i know you're probably going to run into a situation. And everybody knows how bad you are at persuasion. Everyone knows how not persuasive you are. I'm going to screw it up. Oh, man. Henry, you always just got to remember the great words of Kenny Rogers. You got to know when to hold them. Hold what? You got to know when to

fold them. Fold what? Just keep that in mind. Okay. Got to know, you know, the gambler. The gambler. Kenny Rogers. You got a bag lunch of the clam bake and Daryl put a note in there saying you're going to do great. Aw. That gives him a lot of inspiration.

The gambler shit did nothing. And cutting back to the moment, Henry's bombing it and flop sweating. This clam bake lunch turns in his chest and he thinks about what Daryl said to him. And he says, you know what? This community, we've got to know when to hold them and we've got to know when to fold them. And it's time to put our cards on the table and say, Barry Oak, you can't just walk away from what you've done. You've got to stand and face your crimes. You need to be held accountable, sir. Now who's with me? Give me a roll and we'll find out who's with you. I got a 16.

So the group of Ogilians before you were like, I don't, maybe that's just, it's a lot to ask and he was our, and Lark steps in front of you and goes, no gods, no kings, only this. And he holds up his fist and he's going to also roll. Oh no. Yes. What if Lark is secretly going down this like cult leader path man oh yeah i called this from day one and so they like look to lark and sparrow and to you they look at the oak family assembled and autumn oak says

y'all seem like you got nothing killing barry i can't promise it'll solve something but it'll definitely be something to fucking do and looking at all of you together and seeing the different varieties of persuasion that are going on the weird my dad is a god thing the there's a little something for everyone yeah yeah it's a real smorgasbord of different persuasion attempts and with their combined roles and your role the group of ophelions goes like oh okay okay all right so what we just we join you and we're gonna we're gonna be like like an army like the army of oaks yes the army of the oaks yeah that sounds cool right i like that can you guys fight i can't remember if you can fight uh i mean we're more we're mages we can do magic and stuff we're not great at like

hurting people too much but we can heal we can do druid stuff like with trees and the ground if you have any trees that's terrific we could use you in this battle and by the way what's that henry points and i'm just oh barrel? Yeah, what is that thing? Yeah, I, uh, so I don't know if you want your kids to see this, but once they left, I figured out what it did. What does it do? Okay, and she kicks it with,

she kicks a very specific part of it with her foot, and it unfurls into a large crab-like mech. And Lark and Sparrow both go, ahemada, ahemada, I'm gonna, whoa. The process of this thing unfolding takes literally 45 seconds. I love that. And tears are just streaming down Lark and Sparrow's faces.

Like all the anger and all the rage that you saw in Lark over the past couple of days, like almost begins to melt away. And he and Sparrow just begin to hold hands. And then the holding hand slowly turns and them just embracing each other very tightly while they're both looking at this thing going, oh, father, father,

may Lark and I perchance. And they just start crawling towards it on their hands and knees. Boys, how about we take this thing for a spin together? They giggle so happily. And I imagine, yeah, you cut to you and the boys. It's a little bit of a squeeze, but to get inside the cockpit,

it's the three of you while Autumn leads the Oakvallians who are all munching on fries back through the forest. And Lark and Sparrow are happy as clams. They're firing. What does this fucking thing do? I love when you cut back, we're all eating fries now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you cut back, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it's like, and anyway, that's how we got this giant crab mech. Crazy story. As you're walking back, they're swiping the claws back and forth and just cutting trees down. Oh, no. Sparrow's like, well,

we shouldn't tell Aaron about this part. Don't tell Aaron about these trees. They're turning the lights on and off on its eyes and stuff. And the rear, oh, it's got a rear hatch and it opens up. And they're like, ooh, so we could drop little surprises for our friends. And then Lark goes like, look, look. And he jumps through the back hatch. He goes, I'm poop.

And then he jumps back in. And Sparrow's like, good one, brother. And then, yeah, we cut back to the campfire and all the funny things you said about having fries. It's probably like the crab is now there and the kids are just all running on it around. Does the crab have keys? Let's see. Henry now has the keys.

I asked my mom to cast Arcane Lock on it. There you go. Key to the Arcane Lock. Great, perfect. So yeah, you're the only one who has the code to open the Arcane Lock. I like the idea that in the background, the crab is like frozen in a position

where the claws are like out like a little slide and the kids are just like, wee, going up, wee, going up. going up well guys i got some druids and a big metal crab and my mom and between the three of those things i think probably my mom's the real win i gotta be honest oh yeah yeah i agree ronald i'm sorry i don't know another teachable moment coming up for you, Ronald. I don't know what came over me. In the spreadsheet of all the different things we're doing, there's Ron's teachable moments

and you see like six crosses on it throughout the day. Ron, roll a d20 real quick. I got a 19. Uh-oh. That could be good or bad. I don't think that's what happened. You catch Autumn Oak

making eyes at you across the table. Oh, no! Oh! Henry's on knits, but like, seductively. Well, congrats on getting your mom back. Thanks, Ron. Mom, do you want to meet the other dads?

No, I can't. We should tell you about how it went. With Doug. Yeah. Yeah, I'm curious to hear about that. So, we cut to Daryl and Ron knocking on the door about how it went. With Doug. Yeah. Yeah. I'm curious to hear about that. We cut to Daryl and Ron knocking on the door

of a little log cabin that is in the valley beneath Castle Ravenloft. It's very cold. The walk down there was very frigid, but you can see that there's a little lake down here

and some berries and stuff. The weather is a little bit more manageable down here than it is up top where the howling winds of the abyss scream out from nothingness. Wow, what a mood.

Daryl's combed his hair, and they stopped by the mall, and he got a suit. Ron also got a suit and a little briefcase. So yeah, there are flowers outside. Those look like reservoir dogs. Looking back on the track. Ron, do you remember Doug's last name?

I was pretty sure it was the intern. Oh, I don't. I knock on the door. All right. Two very round, smiling, older people look at you. You smell immediately fresh-baked bread. And the man in the house, who is balding, goes like, oh, hello. What brings you down here?

Honey, honey, we've got visitors. Ron takes his hat off that he's suddenly wearing. Ron is wearing a hat and he takes it off. He says, are you Mr. and Mrs. The Intern? Roll a d20, Ron. Before Ron went, Glenn, when I looked at Ron, I said, Ron, you gotta remember the words of Kenny Rogers.

You gotta know when to hold them. I got a 15. So with a 15, they go, oh, I'm sorry. It's day interna. Oh, yeah. A lot of people make that mistake. Of course.

We're so sorry. It's okay. Ron says it again, but he uses his hands more this time. Mr. and Mrs. Interna. So yeah, what brings you here? Well,

my associate, Daryl and I. Hi, Daryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. I put my hand down. So the mom comes out holding a big old like loaf of bread

and then puts it down and steam's coming off it and she takes off her oven mitts and shakes her hand and the guy shakes her hand and they're just two wholesome,

wholesome old folks. We have some bad news about your son, Doug. Can I speak to my associate really quick? Sure, of course. We haven't heard much from Doug in months and months. Oh, my God. Oh, no. I feel really, oh, shoot.

That really threw me off. I thought for sure they knew he was going to, never mind. I just really wanted to eat some bread, and I was like, they're not going to give us bread if we tell them. We'll tell them that our son's dead. Never mind. We'll get want to eat some bread. And I was like, they're not going to give us bread if we tell them. We tell them that our son's dead. Never mind. Oh, Candy, this fresh baked bread. Oh, man, I don't know what to do now.

Mrs. and Mr. the Intern, maybe this bad news would be better digested inside. Oh, please. Yes, of course. Come in. Come in. Please. I'm rude of me. We've fucking genius.

Let me set out the good plates. Oh, you don't need to actually. Wow, these are great. These are amazing. It's so rare we have guests. Doug made these plates. His dream is to go to pottery school. They put out plates, and the plates are all like those decorative plates,

but they're just all of Doug and his family hugging each other and stuff, like little carved in. We call this one a Doug hug. And they feed you some bread and they spread some butter on it that's wonderful delicious ron leans over to daniel and is like actually if they don't know that doug's dead they probably don't know where his body yeah so maybe so we just need like hey do you think okay i'm gonna run don't don't tell this you're not gonna judge me right it's just between us everything that goes down here right we need to get home okay yeah um

hi uh mr and mrs day a turn the internet the turn a um perfect oh yeah these by the way these Hi, Mr. and Mrs. D'Eterne. D'Eterne. D'Eterne. Perfect. Yeah, by the way, this bread is unbelievable. The best bread I've had in a long time. Doug is an employee of ours. A great kid you have there. He's a rock star. Oh, we're so happy. So he's hustling. He's still on that grind.

I'm not going to lie to you. We haven't seen him in a while because he's been on a job. And he told us to go get some of his things. So if there's any blankets he slept in or anything that would have like his hair or DNA. He told us to pick it up. Roll persuasion. You got the D12. Just as we.

Yeah. Daryl thinks back to the note that he had at his breakfast from Henry that says, hey, Daryl, I know you put a burger in here, but just hear me out. Try this squash burger instead. It's really good. I wasn't going to tell you that I swapped it, but I just thought you'd really like it. It's an 18, and that squash burger was so freaking good that Daryl was considering going vegetarian. Wow. Okay, so upon hearing this, they go like, oh, yeah, I mean, anything that'll keep them on that grind,

on that hustle, absolutely. Let me go get some stuff for you. And they bring back, okay, and then you hear. I'm going to throw up. This is so bad what we're doing. No, don't throw up. Remember, we're in the Dan Turney household, and we have to hashtag grind, hashtag get this bread.

All right, you get inspiration. Mark inspiration. Holy shit. You got to mark inspiration for that. That's very good. Oh my God. Dude, where was Daryl Ron energy this whole time? This whole podcast.

Mr. and Mrs. D'Internet come back. Mrs. D'Internet gives you a teddy bear. She goes, he loved this as a child. It's all soaked with his spit. He would slide all over all the time. So yeah, there's definitely some, I don't know why you mentioned his DNA, but there's definitely a lot on there.

It was something Doug said. He works really hard. I don't know. It's just a, he's got really. Did you see a man who would get in touch with the softer side? Yeah, yeah. Normally at these companies,

they'd be like, oh, don't bring your teddy bears. But we're a very open company that likes people a lot, and we're good. We're so glad you're not. We're good people. I think it's a corny note. Ron is crying a little bit. We really did like Doug. I mean, we liked Doug.

Roll deception with disadvantage. Hey, Ron. Did you just get inspired recently? Remember, you said I still has D12s. He still has D12s to burn. With an 11, that's 22. So they go, oh, like he's changed. Like he's leveled up in a sense.

He just keeps getting better. Daryl's so sick of how good he is lying in this moment. Like he feels terrible. Anyways, he's just really detail-oriented. He just said get as much DNA. I know, weird, right? DNA. But you know Doug more than we do.

We're always impressed with that kid. He's always reading these self-improvement books and talking about how we're a different person. He's reading books. He used to read. A different person. How young is he? How young is he?

Rich dad, dead dog. After all this month, I was hoping he would come back for his birthday. My boy's turning 20. Oh, gosh. Okay, well, are you okay? Yeah. Anyway.

We also have this painting that we commissioned of the cat that's hanging in there, but it's a little Doug. And you can see they give you a painting that's like a little baby Doug, like adorable, like hanging from a branch or whatever. I'm sure that's lovely, but I don't want to see it. No, look at it. Isn't he so cute? No, we'll take that and his toothbrush and then we'll head out of here.

Oh, yeah, sure. Can I hand you the toothbrush? Toothbrush! Also, sorry. If we happen to run into him, can we get another slice of bread? Oh, absolutely. And they fold up a slice of bread

really nice and warm and they hand that to you as well. There's two of us, though. You said it was for Doug. It's for Doug, yeah. There's also me. Oh, sure, why not? You've all been so polite. Anybody who would allow our son to be a part of their cool startup,

I assume he's probably got some equity in the company or something. That's great. So they hand you another slice of bread cool startup. Allow them to, I assume he's probably got some equity in the company or something. Like, that's great. Yeah. So they hand you another slice of bread as well. Anyways, well,

you two have been lovely and we're putting together a team. Wait, are you? Wait. And both of them, both of their eyes get really big and they say, are you offering us a job?

No, Brian. An internship. An internship. An internship. So it wouldn't be paid, but there would be exposure. Yes. The two exes. Yes. I mean, does Doug get all the hustle from you two?

I'm so sorry. It's on our family crest and she pulls down a blank. It's just a recipe. I was going to say the- Our motto, curriculum vita. Yeah, and in the center it just says A, B, H, always be hustling.

I look over to Ron and I just go, okay, so I feel where you're coming with this because they could be really good workers. We will have to explain about Doug

if we bring them. Yeah. But maybe they'll just go with it if we bring them back to life. That's cool because then we brought their son back. You know, I am a business man.

And if I could frame it as some sort of opportunity, I don't know. I just, let's say this is a remote position. I've heard that before. But there's no remote involved. Well, it's Mr. and Mrs. D'Anton. We have a remote with us for different purposes. But I just want you to let you know that this is a remote position that you can work from home oh oh fantastic what would you like us to do uh flyers for hi i'm ron

if you could just that's already taken care of more flyers oh sorry glenn we asked them to you got extra flyers because we got back to the campsite these ones have been like knitted like on doilies and they're very cute they recruit twice as many people because they have little flippy tags on the bottom oh yeah or you could be like our street team like if you just like they used to do this thing where you put like bumper stickers on and then if you call in because if you saw the car with a bumper sticker you could win a prize i don't know what any of those words mean ron help out you're the businessman i'm sorry anyways we better be going i always say that the best part of the entrepreneurial spirit is to be a self-starter. You know what?

You're right. We should figure it out. We'll show you our initiative. Yes. Not that kind of initiative. Here's 300 gold. Okay. A bonus.

Yeah, you should work. You worked hard. And this is just think of it as this payment for you and Doug and all the work you're going to be doing. I feel this not 400. Here you go. Oh, fantastic. Fantastic work you're going to be doing. I feel that's not... $400. Here you go. I'm going to take more bread, though. Please do. Absolutely. I knew hustling would pay off eventually.

I should have only given you $100. You did give me $400. We're actually just going to be leaving now. Keep all the money that you have. We're sorry for your loss. Wait, our what? The loss of bread. The bread. loss of gold. The loss of bread. The bread. The bread.

The bread. And the gold. Okay, bye. And again, I see you again. And then the door slams shut. You are a good businessman. You're great.

All right. Well, we should go into business together after this. I don't know what we'd make, but anyways. I've always wanted, yeah, that's.

So let's see if we can, you know, bring him back. Let's bring back Doug with the rest of the crew. Maybe we'll do it at the campfire. That sounds good. That'll be good, yeah. And that's why we haven't brought Doug back yet, everybody.

Oh, you guys are waiting. Oh, that's a wild story. So that's why Rod has a teddy bear and a toothbrush. Yes. Yeah. All right, should we do this? Let's try. Let's bring the teddy bear out.

Oh, yeah, how do we do this? Well, you've got witches. Did you guys look around at Castle Ravenloft for his ashes? Because it sounded like his ashes might have been... Well, it's fine. We have a pile of ashes that as you walk away in the background, in the foreground the ashes just go... And they get lost

to the wind. They weren't there for that long. I mean, this should work. This is like live DNA still. Yeah, it's DNA. Jurassic Park, they had DNA. They didn't have ashes of the dinosaur. This should be fine. Yeah.

If we can't bring it back by magic, we'll bring it back by science. Also, we got, if worst case scenario, we can't bring Doug back. Doug DNA. Nice. Yes. We got, there's two, the parents seem like they could be pretty good interns too, worst case scenario. So.

Okay. So, Aaron, mom, by the way, Aaron, this is my mom, Autumn. I'll be like, hey. And Aaron's like, oh, hello there. A pleasure to meet you. I've heard your son is very fond of trees. Does he get that from you? And she goes, no.

Wow, seems like you guys got a lot to talk about. We didn't talk about a man though. That's true. No, we did. We talked about you. Shit. Oh my God. What are the things that you like to do, Miss Oak?

Shopping. Fuck. Oh my God. What are the things you like to do, Miss Oak? Shopping. Fuck! You guys know magic stuff real good. Is there like any runes we should put on the ground if we're going to try to bring Doug back to life here?

Can you use this remote that says return on it? Does that seem like a plan to you guys? Like, what do you think? It's a plan. It seems... We already spent like 10 hours on it, so it would have been good to know ahead of time. Yeah, I would have told you beforehand

if it was a terrible plan. What I think is that there's a probable chance that it will work. It seems like something that you would have to probably roll. It's got to be a 15 or higher. Okay. Okay. Do we have anything that could help us with this? We already did our bardic inspiration.

Maybe we just do a quick long rest really quick. If you do long rest, I will roll on the hour table. Yeah, no, we're not going to do that. I do have another bardic inspiration. I have one last bardic inspiration I can pull before a long rest. Okay, if you do long rest, I will roll on the hour table. Yeah, no, we're not going to do that. I do have another bardic inspiration. I have one last bardic inspiration I can pull before long rest. Okay, if you want to use it. Who's the best dad at remotes?

I think Ron, you weren't there. Ron did a great job. Ron, I think you should press the remote. Okay. Who had the best connection to Doug? I feel like it was you, Ron. You and Doug had this bond. You know, we really both lived

by the bad work-life balance lifestyle. Beth is rolling a D20. So Ron points the remote, his finger hovering above the return button. A 13. We still need more. Roll the bar of inspiration. Let's go. Okay.

Seven. So the teddy bear disappears, but not in the way that the remote itself disappeared when you returned it nothing it sort of dissolves away in sort of tv static and fades away before your eyes and then nothing happens it's just sort of quiet oh dang looks like it didn't work wait dog shoot so you yell doug and from directly behind you you hear sorry, I was a little late with these. And then you turn around and you see Doug there holding four coffees in his hands all together. Doug!

Doug! Yeah, that's me. I'm Doug. Who's got the, you got the Frappuccino, right? Did I, did I get the right? Oh, that's me, that's me. The oat milk? Yeah, that's you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow, a perfect soy chai latte. Oh my gosh, Doug, you're the best. Yeah, I know. Ooh. Actually. Oh my gosh, Doug, you're the best. Yeah, I know. Actually, Oh no. Yeah, I said no milk in this mocha.

Okay, so Doug's going to roll a d20. You got a one, so he throws himself into the fire. No, no, no, no, no. I deserve this. Okay, ow, ow. I'm so sorry. I'll never forget ow. Okay, I'm so sorry. I'll never forget that milk again. I'm so sorry.

Doug, you are such a good intern. You're a good intern, Doug. Not good enough. I didn't get you the milk. It's okay, Doug. We got a lot of other things we're going to be needing you for. We're putting together a team.

It's going to be all right. It'll be all right. Because that's just fine. And if you die, you'll be all right. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Bursch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. And Freddie Wong, myself, that's me, is Glenn Close. The theme song is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to Griffin Meehan, who provided us a name that we used in this campaign. And also a special thanks to all of our Patreon supporters, but more specifically, Richard Forsberg, Aaron Reese, Haley Welker, Justin Carter, Isaiah Rothstein,

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