Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 66 - Fender Glennder

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

The dads prepare their sons for the fight and have a heart to heart with Glenn.Sept. 18th Live Show tickets! https://bit.ly/dadlivetixThis episode contains profanity, sexual content, references to alcohol, and violence.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCourtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerChad Ellis provides additional editingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Oh, yeah. I'm just thirsty. Got to get some fluid to me. Quality lovemaking, Glenn. Oh, boy. Totally agree.

I just realized the only sound has been our wet, sloppy lovemaking and just the flesh hitting flesh. You want to listen to some music? Oh, yeah. We should probably put some tunes on. Yeah. Let me click on the fantasy radio here. Listen to this short ad to get 30 minutes of uninterrupted sex music. Sorry, no, I really need to subscribe.

It's like five bucks a month. I have no excuse. For no ads, that's very reasonable. Are you scared of therapy? Do you think it might be too expensive or it might make you too vulnerable or you're a man? Well, I'm Dr. Not Me, and I'm here to make therapy a lot less scary. You don't need to get therapy from your weird old mom who murders people with knitting needles. You especially shouldn't get it from your son slash father who's 65 slash dead slash in an eight-year-old's body. Instead, book an appointment with me, Dr. Not Me. I'm a licensed therapist who lives inside the

subconscious of a soulless math witch slash garden witch. If you want to book an appointment, just pick up the nearest leaf or whisper into a tree. That's crazy. I think I know her. You just heard an ad now here's another one oh for fuck's sake welcome to dungeons and daddy's not a bDSM podcast. Instead, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads flung into a realm of high fantasy and magic to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This week's Glenn fact, Glenn. OK, so, you know, you know, is it the biggest laugh yet?

I think that was the biggest laugh yet i think that was the biggest friday laughing you know sting and how sting is like i know how to engage in tantric sex for hours my mother's husband sting she wishes i can't operate on this patient i'm sting glenn likes to think that he too has that power he does not oh god what does he think is happening if he thinks he has the power and he doesn't how does he still think he has the power glenn's like yeah 34 seconds that's a lot a lot of men think that they have the power in a lot of things that aren't even tantric sex when they don't. I can tell the difference between real tantric sex and fake tantric sex. Okay.

I'm just saying most women. I'm doing a hairy mess. Most women fake their tantric sex. Thank you. Hey, everybody. Yeah, Daryl Wilson doesn't even know what you're talking about. Hi, everybody. This is Daryl Wilson.

Daryl Wilson, this is Heidi. Oh, he's here. He came up again. Hey, Daryl. How's it going? Hey. Hey, everybody. You cry one time playing your character. Hey, everybody.

This is Matthew Arnold, who plays Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this magical world of whimsy and dragons and danger. Quick dad fact, the penultimate sin, envy. This one's pretty straightforward. You could probably guess it. He's pretty envious of everything Dar i know everything darnell this is a specific moment i don't think this is the thing he's most envious of but it's kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back is they met each other both of them had just been doing some shopping at the grocery store and they were putting their groceries in

the back of the car and daryl got a good look at the fucking bag game of Darnell. He's like, he's like, Oh, hey, who's a who's bag boy did that? And I was like, No, I pack these bags myself. I put them away. Just Tetris level just flawless. Oh, yeah. I thought you said back game. No, I mean, he's got a strong back. His bags were packed so perfectly. No little like flap from the bread flopping out or anything like that. Just flawless backpacking. I guess I'm the only one who cares about packing bags here, but I'm just saying that the way those grocery store bags are packed were perfect, and Daryl was like, I fucking hate myself.

Paper or plastic? I'm garbage compared to Darnell. Coarse plastic. What? Coarse plastic? I meant coarse paper. Coarse paper. Second Daryl fact, he hates the environment.

He specifically throws out the little can holders without cutting them. Horse paper bags. Those poor dolphins. Yeah, he ties them together so he gets 12 little turtles. He makes his own nets. He just goes down a little lake. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos.

I play Henry Oak, the Birkenstock Rocket and Crunchy Munchy Hippie Nature Druid Dad of the Dads. My dad fact today. So this is our first bang bang. Speak for yourself. This is our first doubled up episode of Dungeons and Daddies. We just recorded the previous episode you just heard. We're going right back in. So I'm going to talk about the first and only time Henry did a bang bang,

which is where you eat two meals, one right after the other. And so the first meal was at home. They had like a ton of wild rice because they had a bunch left over in the fridge. And he was like, it's going to go bad if no one eats it. He made it and the kids didn't really like it. So before they went out, he just was like, I'm just going to scarf this down,

scarf down a big bowl of wild rice. But then right after that, Mercedes was like, it's our anniversary. Are we going out for dinner? And he's like, you bet your bottom dollar we are are and i definitely didn't need just a whole bunch of rice so then they went out to an incredibly expensive restaurant with like one of those like 12 courses of experimental avant-garde food and he was just sweating bullets and suffering all the way through it never again where you can't take it to go you can't yeah it's like oh it's like an egg and

there's like weird stuff in the eggs. It's like it had a name like foyer or something like that. He's like, oh, perfect. Look at these little tiny plates. Why is this the 15th one? And then they kept on going. Hello, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and recent graduate

of therapy. What if you could just graduate from therapy and you're done forever? Get like a little diploma. A certificate. A little certificate. That's for sure. I wonder why they don't graduate from therapy. What if you could just graduate from therapy and you're done forever? Get like a little diploma. A certificate. A little certificate. Therapists would make less money, that's for sure. Yeah. I wonder why they don't graduate from therapy. It's all employed by big therapy. You don't understand. College is a process. You gotta be here until you're

done working on yourself, which will never end. So you're just in college forever. I mean, like, yeah, but you accept that. Yeah. That's the thing. Fun fact about Ronon this week ron is lactose intolerant i almost made that my which doesn't mean he doesn't drink milk or whatever it's just he has some pretty upsetting views about cows henry hates horses ron hates cows love it fun fact about that this week it's been a rough road between this last episode and this episode.

Yes, we're recording them back to back, but there was some lunch in between. There was some lunch and some mango sticky rice. I'd never had it before. We had delicious Thai food. Fun fact about mango sticky rice. It's got milk in it. It's got milk in it. Fun fact about Beth.

I'm pretty allergic to dairy, and 20 minutes has been pretty rough. You know, I'm in and out. I'm in and out. Making a constitution saving throw. Yes, yes. Hey, it's Anthony. It's Anthony B. Leave the voicemail.

Your dad. Sorry, I can't be at the phone right now. I should be like, hey, what's up? Oh man, that's crazy. No, I'm just kidding. You got my voicemail. There's a beep. I don't really have a

fact in the last half hour that didn't exist before out of all the dice which one's your favorite well i was literally just looking at this somebody sent us some dice some custom dice for our characters and mine were all scam likely themed and they have little iphones on them and i was checking out like oh these are so cute and i looked at the d20 and there was like a piece of paper in there or something and I was like what the fuck is that and it's a little like almost

like a fortune cookie slip and it just says always be scamming oh my god I love that that's very cool Easter egg

I meant like D20 D8 D12 I know what you said I was ignoring it in favor of thanking one of our fans and obviously

D8 because of the ass to ass so last episode just a lot of just a lot of feelings. A lot of feelings in that last episode. A bunch of people hung out with therapeutic NPCs of varying degrees of quality. Glenn got some of his own therapy. Yeah, Glenn got some fucking massage therapy. But we didn't actually get to hear the therapy session between Ron and Dr. Not Me.

So before we find out what happened after you all came back together after your therapy, let's go ahead and jump back to Ron and Not Me in Aaron's house. So Ron is already using like a bunch of like dumb therapy speech. Yeah, I've been holding space for a lot of these thoughts. Feelings aren't facts. I don't, I feel like no matter what, I'm always, I'm always going to see him in the mirror or something, all of what I am. Sometimes it feels like it's because of him. And sometimes it feels like there's something inside me that's, it's not like, you know, it's not a cool doodler demon like Henry has, but it feels like something similar where everything that I do, I can't escape him. And I have every reason to hate him. I know because, you know, we've been in this therapy session for, you know,

a half hour and trying to wrap to wrap up and you've said you said a lot of cool things that made me sort of realize that i don't need him and that it's okay to sort of distance myself from him and to move on and stuff like that and then sometimes at night i think about what if he said that he was proud of me or what if he said that he did love me and uh then i i get so scared knowing that i'll never hear it from him and i get so scared that i'll never be able to give that to somebody else and i'm so scared that that these people that i do love that i'll hurt them i think you could give yourself a break i think you're very beloved by this group of, frankly, very stupid people whose judgment is suspect.

I'm sorry. No, I truly understand. But I think they care about you a lot. And I think Terry Jr. cares about you a lot. It's sort of like just kind of being okay with the love that I'm getting from other people. from other people. I think, you know, when you're related to somebody, when somebody's your family, like blood family,

you think, well, that's kind of guaranteed love right there. You check off that box. And then when it doesn't happen, you think, oh, there's something wrong with you, you know, sort of almost down to your genetics or whatever. I think if I as a stepfather, it is my duty to step up outside of my genetic

timeline and give love to people that I'm not related to. It's just, love isn't guaranteed. Doesn't that make it more valuable that you have so much of it? Whoa. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah. So anyway, same time next week. Yeah, same time next week. Everybody cried except for Glenn, who nutted. And now you're all back. Well, we don't know what... Yeah, you don't know what goes on in the brouloir. Okay, fair enough.

Glenn at minimum nutted. In the afterglow. Well, maybe don't know what... Yeah, you don't know what goes on in the boudoir. Okay, fair enough. Glenn, at minimum, nutted. In the afterglow. Well, maybe he didn't. Maybe he's just very giving. I think Glenn cries when he makes love. That's what I think. That's depressing. That's sad.

Glenn, you leveled up twice, so that's 4d8 worth of time, and I'm going to say everyone else's actions last episode took place during that same span of time. Two, and then a seven, and then a four, and then a six a six so basically you're in a position where i had written out like 12 potential upgrades that the baddies could get right now they have all

of them oh my god i literally have to start writing more upgrades oh my god wait so what more can they do i'll come up with stuff like oh god oh jeepers creepers you don't have to do that if you keep doing stuff i'll find other things that they can do so now everybody's back at the beach at your little stronghold what would you like to do next perception check is a high tide or low tide it's low tide you guys want to like dig for clams oh i mean we gotta it's no no we gotta get out of here let's get the van that's what you did we all got our stuff we said, do you think you can whip up a fake van and a real van for us? What all happened to you, by the way?

Are you all primed up? You've got this glow about you, Glenn. How did the lessons go? Let's just say that I learned a couple of things. Did you learn how to get our van back? Yes. Did you learn how to make a fake van? Yes.

Well, I think, you know, we should do that. Yeah, let's do that. All right. So step one, fake van. All right, so step one, fake van. All right, Glenn's going to cast true polymorph, and he's going to cast true polymorph on, I guess, what were we going to say?

A clam. Yeah, a clam. A clam. That's why I was digging for clams. You want to turn a small clam into a very large fake. True polymorph chooses one creature, a non-magical object I can see within range. I transform that creature into a different creature. Or an object. Or an object.

And, uh, yeah. Okay, sure. So, a clam in front of you takes the form of the Honda Odyssey with the word Shinji on the side. And I say, oh, yeah. Alright, uh, real quick, I need to take a long rest before I can cast this next 9th level spell, so. Okay, so this is part of our plan

to put the homunculus bodies that are us into the fake van and then we're gonna send it out but before we do that we get some practice in uh with our kids with the student driver version of the odyssey song wait are we trying to teach the kids how to drive why not i mean i guess we can we haven't really talked yet about what the kids are gonna to do during all of this. I mean, obviously, we've got to get them across the border. I mean, I kind of figured that's why I wanted to get the van back, because I figured, well, we've got a lot of fighting going on. I want the kids to help, but I want them also safe.

So I figured the Odyssey would be the safest place. But you're right. We're not going to be in the van when the kids should probably drive the van. Oh, I see. So what you're saying is, well, you've got the decoy van running around. This thing looks great, by the way the decoy van running around this thing looks great by the way glenn i mean this thing looks exactly like the honda odyssey wait does it work like a honda odyssey i assume so right because it's yes polymorph it is polymorphed into a

perfect facsimile of a honda odyssey without anime sentience let me check daryl sits in he goes i mean it's technically the same i say it feels feels a little different but I mean Daryl takes a the keys already in the ignition and he just boom does it start yeah yeah it works holy wow Jesus Glenn what did you do oh it was a wet and wild weekend let me tell you okay well tell us no that's okay there's some things a gentleman never speaks about. Oh, okay. It's just like a lot. Like you just came back.

You know, anything that has to do with matters of the heart. It sounds like you need to go to therapy. I poured my heart out there for 45 minutes. I did a little pouring myself. Was it for 45 minutes? It felt like 45 minutes. More like 45 minutes. I did a little pouring myself. Was it for 45 minutes? It felt like 45 minutes. For like 45 seconds. Guys, I think maybe our good friend Glenn made love.

We should just respect his privacy around that. Glenn, did you have sexual relations with somebody? And he holds his hand up for a high five. Do you want us to high five you over that? Is that what you want? If it was an emotionally good thing for you to do i support you and i give him a hug did you imagine that energy how much better like relationships between men would be if it's like hey yeah bro it's like i just got laid instead of people giving high fives they just hugged each

good for you that's wonderful okay well no that's good glenn okay um so hey daryl thanks for the tip oh okay i didn't know i was responsible for this great look we got this car this is awesome we're gonna use this thing with a polymorph i like the distraction thing let's bring the kids in here i really want like yeah because essentially what we're saying is this thing's gonna zoom around yes our dad's gonna be firing at it wasting all their spells and then we're going to swoop in, but we've got the kids protected in the van and they make a beeline through the portal. So you're right. We got to teach them how to drive. And it seems a little young, but like in some states, like kids young as 13, like dad, you probably like when you worked on like the

farm and stuff, when you're really young, you probably like learn to drive a tractor when you're like 12 or 13. Oh yeah. I got squirted out of the womb right into the driver's seat. Pretty much. It sounds like Peyton, but that's good yeah absolutely that's the point that's great okay so yeah let's i mean i don't know have you it's it comes so soon like you know like one moment your kids are just walking then it's like it's time to teach them to drive i remember when i taught you how to drive i do oh what was i have to know what little daryl was like frank cut to flashback frank and daryl was like, Frank. Cut to flashback. Frank and Daryl.

All right, son. So what you want to do is, I know stick seems scary, but it's actually the best way to control your car. So you're going to put your foot down on the clutch. Okay. All right. Is this the clutch? No, that is the brake. That's good.

Okay. All right. That's the clutch. Okay. And you're going to ease it into first gear. I just want to watch you do it. Daryl just gets up and goes to the passenger seat. And then he just spends all day driving you around because you're too anxious. Let's go get ice cream.

Yeah, I never learned to drive stick. Actually, weirdly enough, I actually didn't, you know, in our neighborhood, I didn't do a lot of driving. I actually didn't learn to drive until I was like 32. What? Really? Wow. No kidding. I didn't learn how to drive until I was about 27, 20.

That, of course, is because I came from here. I didn't learn how to drive a horse when I was a kid. I don't know if you call it driving a horse. No, I don't think so. That's what we call it here in the Forgotten Realms. We call it driving a horse. I learned how to drive when I was 11. What?

Really? Oh, is this going to be sad, though? I don't know what you're talking about. I used to drive everywhere. Wow. Gosh. Ron, that sounds like you might be the best teacher for these kids. Yeah, maybe.

Because it sounds like Ron probably knows. I can drive now. But it sounds like Ron knows a thing or two about what it was like to learn to drive as a kid. The beginner's mind. Which I don't, and you don't. And I'm going to assume Glenn doesn't. Okay. But Glenn, when did you learn learn to drive as a kid. The beginner's mind. Which I don't, and you don't, and I'm going to assume Glenn doesn't. Okay. But Glenn, when did you learn how to drive?

I learned how to drive when I was 15, and I got a learner's permit, and I couldn't drive my friends around for a while because I had the learner's permit. And then I got into my game of 16, I got the full driver's license. Yep, just a straight, boring story. I love that. There you go. Just the normal way that people learn to drive. It was like a reverse joke where it was three punchlines.

It was a rule of three, but it was three punchlines and then the normal thing. Kiddos, everyone. Kids, everyone. All the kids come running. They go, what's up? What's up? With Pep and their staff, because I feel like kids know when a car is around. Kids can sense when a car is around.

Kids, as you can see. Us dads have all decided. We've all decided it's time for all of you to learn how to drive. Yeah! The kids explode in joy like Lark and Sparrow high-fiving each other. Hey! This is a serious responsibility, children.

Not only are you learning to drive a very dangerous vehicle, but let's be real here. This isn't learning to drive because you're going to school or you're going to the mall. You're learning to drive because we're in a gosh darn life or death situation. That's very true. We gotta survive this. Grant goes, kids don't going to the mall. You're only driving because we're in a gosh darn life or death situation. That's very true. And we got to survive this. Grant goes, kids don't go to the malls anymore, Joe. Here in Faerun, before you learn how to ride a horse,

we make you watch a play called Red Cobblestone. Oh my God. Holy shit. It's about all the horrible things that can happen to you if you're hot dogging on that horse. And I don't have a way to show you that play right now but let's just say that cobblestone's red because people fall off of horses and hit their heads and bleed on it dope no it's not who said that that was definitely lark or sparrow boys it's not dope is it dope if you do a crazy flip off of a horse and you face

plant on the ground and your head explodes is that what you call dope i have bad news for you father in the dictionary next to the word dope is a picture of what you just said well i'm sure we'll be fine we'll be fine i'm with your kids on this one that sounds pretty dope well it doesn't sound dope to me to be dead which is what you could be if you goof off while driving a car right daryl yes listen to henry everybody right yeah so terry is like i think i could do we all need to drive so i think our goal is that we want all the kids to have the best flexibility in the final battle to have all the kids be able to drive because i think we're going to treat the kids as like a unit together you mean if but then if only some of them can drive

then obviously that would cause complications for them here's what i think we do i think we teach all the kids as a group and then we all have them take a driving test. Whoever does the best on the driving test is going to get to drive the van in the final battle. I just think we need all the kids to learn to drive

because we don't know what's going to happen. I'm sure Grant's going to be fine but if Lark dies or something in the battle What the fuck, Daryl? I'm just saying if it happens this is a real situation.

Why do you got to use my kid as an example? You're right. Let's say it was Terry dies. No. Let's say there're right. You're right. Let's say it was Terry dies. No. Then we just, okay. Let's say there was a- You got two kids.

Let's say Sparrow dies. We just want to make sure that Lark can still drive so that they're not stuck in the middle of battle and then they all die. I'm just saying we want to teach all of our kids to drive. That would be really sad if Sparrow dies because Lark doesn't even- Okay, all right. Stop talking about my kids dying. Sorry.

Sorry. You're right. I don't want any of the kids to die. I'm just saying that you're all going to drive so that they're all like they can help each other because they're going to be in this battle too. That's all I'm saying. Yes, that's very true. I could die too.

And if he dies, I just want to make sure that your kids can still get out of there. Okay. It's going to be okay. We're going to teach them all really well how to drive this minivan. But yeah, whoever does the best job will be the lead driver and hopefully they don't die. Oh yeah. We can get Walter to tune it up. Oh yeah.

We can get some cool armor on that and stuff. And plus, you know, Odyssey-san's gonna be there. She's gonna be protecting them. It's gonna be great. Yeah, real, real Odyssey-san. Yeah, real Odyssey-san. Not this garbage one. Hey, Glenn. Okay. I'm just saying it doesn't feel like it's on my car. Glenn, our friend Glenn did a really good job. No, he did a good job. I'm just saying it's not a real car. Glenn's kind of going through some stuff right now.

So just, like, can you ease up on Glenn a little bit? You see Glenn a distance away, like, making very lewd hand gestures to the rat and describing what was going on. And the rat's covering its eyes going, squeak, squeak, squeak. Speaking of, guys, like, I'm a little worried about Glenn. I think after we do this driver thing, we should, I think the three of us need to talk to Glenn. Do you think we should talk to Glenn? Should we sit down with Glenn?

We should talk to him. I feel like this can be really hard for him because it's like, this is kind of a coming of age for our boys. And like, you know, his boy's off in hell with a demon and he's not going to get to teach real Nick Jr. how to drive. And I don't know exactly what happened at the tavern, but like,

and I don't know all these hand gestures he's doing, but I'm looking at it and there's a lot of hand gestures I don't like that I'm seeing. So I feel like a lot of stuff happened. Those hand gestures are between him and the person he made love with. I know. I'm just saying I'm concerned about him.

They'll bring the Lord into this. Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Dad. I mean, Sister Wilson. We're not going to teach Nick Jr. to drive, right? We're not going to play around with that. I mean, I'm a pretty good teacher. So you never know what could accidentally slip through.

But we should make Glenn feel involved. And then after the kids are done driving, they'll be really happy and then they can go off and play and maybe practice. And then we can talk to Glenn. A little intervention for Glenn. Yeah.

I like it. Yeah. Hey, Glenn, how's it going over there? Hey, Glenn, how's it going? Let me just say I burned my inspiration a couple of times during that. Hey, how's it going, everybody? Hey, are we going to teach the kids how to drive?

Yeah. All right, boys. Who's going to teach you? Do you want to help? Because you're such a good driver. I heard you got your learner's permit when you're 15. That's great. Maybe you can help us out.

I know a few things about the old vehicular arts. Glenn trying not to say manslaughter. What I love about this is like, hey, Anthony, can you come up with a fun mechanic for this idea? I might think it is that we do this montage style. I think each of the dads teaches a different part of the driving.

Great. Okay, so whenever you want to, you jump in and then with your kid, I will respond and we'll see if we can get some. Okay, so we're doing a fun, some zany upbeat music is playing as we're cutting between all the dads teaching the different elements of driving father which button is the ejector seat okay so the first and most important thing the rocket launcher yes yes yes about

driving is our friend right here called mr seatbelt and so here's how i seatbelt works hey i know it's a little sensitive, but we can include Glenn by, Glenn can teach Lark and that will give him some. Yeah, Lark's kind of driving me crazy. He won't put his seatbelt on. Glenn, could you handle Lark for a second?

Yeah, no worries. So Lark, what you got to understand is that during a reverse J-turn, the fact that the engine block is in the front allows you to make a reverse 180 very, very quickly. Like in Cobra. Exactly.

In the Sylvester Stall movie, Cobra. So the key is pulling into reverse and getting to about 25 miles an hour you gotta make sure you hit 25 miles an hour it's just a single crank of the wheel and you'll immediately reverse 180 all right let's try this shit ready here we go uh and then you all see it in the distances like he moves forward five feet and then stops because he doesn't actually know how the car works so he's like okay that's a good start we'll do this again we'll try it again we'll try it again he fucking hits the steering wheel because he didn't have a seat belt on yeah skull slams into the steering wheel sounds like someone learned to wear his seat belt good job

glenn i'm only doing this because i want to now as he clips the seat belt in okay some other quick things in no specific order always keep your hands at 10 and 2 so you're holding 10 things in no specific order. Always keep your hands at 10 and 2. So you're holding 10 things in one hand and then two things in the other. And then one of those things is always a steering wheel. So it's like sometimes I'll have like toothpicks in my left hand. I don't think you should be doing that. That's not what that means.

But then I got like cool Wolverine hands. And the two sometimes that's just my keys, my keychain. Wait, your keys, but they should be in the ignition. Yeah, well, I've got a Prius. And then, okay, so this is the hazard button

and then you can park anywhere as long as you put that on. That's not true. That's just not true. Oh, my God. Is this why you keep getting tickets? No, I get tickets to see shows of cars because they like it. That's a tow yard. That's because they towed your car.

You don't get to see. Oh, my God. How did you live this long? There are seat warmers. I don't know how to put them on. All right, my God. How did you live this long? There are seat warmers. I don't know how to put them on. All right, Lark. Now, the way understeer works is if you're going too fast for the wheels to be able to get traction, counterintuitively, you need to slow down.

Okay. I thought you were going to say steer into it. No, understeer means you're overloading your front. Let me talk a little bit about how the tire patches work here. Anyway. Glenn, let's cut past the bullshit. How does a band drift ah drifting well it's gonna be difficult in a front wheel drive vehicle however using the

handbrake oh that actually reminds me i'm gonna rig up the handbrake to allow for easier drifting because daryl steps is like glenn you will not be modifying my honda odyssey to change the handbrake what are you doing there's no odyssey daryaryl. He's going to be driving. Okay, you can teach Clark whatever you want, but once we get the real car, you're not doing this. Clark? My son's name is not Clark. Did you think his name was Clark?

No, I'm just saying. This whole time you've been calling me Clark and I didn't notice? They are going to eventually be driving my vehicle, so I'm just making sure that whatever he's teaching him right now is not going to be what he's implying he's going to do. Hey, Frank, Frank,

what does it say in the Bible about snitches? Oh, they get snitches. Okay, Grant, you've watched your dad drive. I mean, it seems pretty simple. Just pretty much ignore everything you just heard the other three dads say. They used to say 10 and 2, but nowadays the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recommends 9

and 3. You know this. You watch your old man drive. Put them on 9 and 3. You check your mirrors. Make sure nobody is around. Put your car into drive and then start going. You know, you play video games. You pretty much know what to do. They added cars to Fortnite a little while ago. So I got it pretty good.

Terry Jr., the horn. You can have a veritable conversation using only the horn. Something Daryl would know nothing about. I'm just kidding. Say you're waiting for somebody to get their groceries. You make sure that you unlock the car before they hop in. And then if you see them kind of looking around, you could be like, honk, honk. And then you're like, hop in. And then if somebody's in front of you, like, you know, hogging up the lane, don't do anything to that. They might scare them.

So just kind of kind of just sit there behind them i think you may have actually stumbled upon something that might be useful which is should the kids and i have a like a honk signal to you is like two honks like we need help or is like oh here just do morse code okay who wants to teach me how to do morse code i don't know how to do morse code for a montage i mean it's a good idea but we don't need many messages. I think just coming up with a few little things that the kids could learn would be, yeah, helpful. Like if they need help or- What about lean on the horn the whole time?

That way we know you're at the wheel and then if the horn stops going, we know something has gone wrong. We know you're dead. That sounds like a, it sounds like a bad idea. And also if I got like shot from behind or something and then slumped forward- Oh my God.

He would, he would be on the horn. Quite an imagination on this kid. I have a dark... I'm in a dark place. I was way too young. Oh my God. Forget it, Dad. It's the Forgotten Realms.

Okay, how about this? One honk means send help, right? That means we got to go to the van. Two honks means we're okay and you do that every minute? Okay, I've got a better one. I've got a better one. All we do is we need help,

and that's honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. Classic. That's all we need. And then if you ever wanna, if you just do three honks, that means I love you. So Terry looks at you and goes, honk, honk, honk. Oh my God. We cut to Henry with Sparrow,ry with sparrow he's like sparrow there's one last

thing you need to know about and it's to always respect cyclists they're right they use the road too i don't know if we're gonna see any cyclists while we're in the battle but someone might be on a bicycle and you need to treat them just like they're a car, sir, because they are part of the nature of the road. Father, I need to ask you a genuine question. If some of the soldiers tried to prevent us from getting through the portal are on cycles, what do I do? Then you keep driving, you run them over.

Son, are they using their hand signals to indicate turning? Tonight, you're going to break your one rule. So each of the sons is going to roll. They're just going to get a straight D20 roll. Yes. And whoever rolls best will be the driver. And whoever rolls second best will be the navigator. And they'll be resentful the whole time.

I like to cast Ceremony on all the kids. Okay, what does that do? It's coming of age. Touch one humanoid who's a young adult. For the next 24 hours, whenever the target makes an ability check, it can roll a D4 and add the number rolled to the ability check. Creature can benefit from this right only once. It's like a free D4.

Wow. Okay. It just feels about right. They all have it, so it cancels out. No, I know. I'm saying they wouldn't use it here. I'm saying at the end of this, they're going to have come of age.

They've all passed the driver's course, so Glenn gives them each a certificate and shakes their hand and says, congratulations. Yes, exactly. Who wants their kid to drive first? Grant, show me how it's done, buddy. All right, guys.

Wish me luck. Good luck. 23. Greg got a 23. Wow. Daryl just looks at Frank. He's like, that was pretty good. He did everything by the book.

He checked his fucking mirrors. He looks behind him as he backed up to make sure he didn't hit a kid or anything. God, I didn't learn to drive that good until like last year. Did he get a natural 20? No, he got a 19 and then on D4 was a 3. Wow. And then Terry, I guess? Sure. He got a 1

and a 1. Whoa! A double crit fail! So the engine explodes in the hood and he goes like, no, I did it wrong. How did I do that? And Walter's like, no, no, no, don't worry about it. I'll repair it.

I'll repair it. It wasn't your fault, Terry. Terry comes out and he's like pulling at his hair. He goes, I fucked up. What did I do? I fucked up so bad. Terry, listen. This is my fault.

No. No, Terry, look, you didn't hurt anybody, right? There's nobody hurt. The car, it still looks great. Honestly. And then you remember to put on the hazards the car's not moving and nobody's gonna be upset i can't i can't drive i don't i don't like driving i don't want to look at me you came up with a really good idea and you're like the brains of the whole thing

everybody knows that drivers are freaking stupid okay okay well you can be the the navi or wait okay you can be in the backs the backseat driver is the most important okay i i like that i could be the idea guy the backseat driver always the best guy terry that's not so bad i guess good but no it's okay i'll do yeah no i just i won't try because i fucked up at this i'm just never gonna try it again because then i won't fuck up no you can't do that kid all right that's you it's sparrow's turn terry's gonna get a vespa uh sparrow got a 15 so like pretty pretty damn good all right not quite as good as grant he missed a couple of signals out of the way of an imaginary cyclist and put the car yeah yeah oh a little too anxious gets a good job avoiding the cyclist though i. I'm proud of you.

My imaginary conscience would have been inconsolable. And then I want to cast. Yes, do it. Do it. Do it. On Lark, right before his test, I'm going to give him Bardic Inspiration. Great. It's a D12.

D12. And then what I said to him is, I go, all right, Lark, remember, you got a fast car. I want a ticket anywhere. Maybe we could make a deal. Lark is now going to roll. That's a 25. Oh, my God. Wow.

Lark. Good job, Lark. Holy cow, kid. It's like full on like Fast and the Furious. It's like Baby Driver. There's two hot trees with like booty shorts and they just fucking and he goes off and like does a fucking circle drift in the sand

and like smoke's going everywhere and he fucking perfectly lands between like i don't know two trees or something it's very impressive he does a bunch of car stress like i had you and then luck goes you never had me you didn't even have your car it doesn't matter whether you lose by a minute or a mile um maybe together we can get amazing that Lark, that was amazing. I know. That was real cool what you, yeah, I'm proud of you, Lark. And he gets out and he fucking hood slides across and he goes,

it looks like I'm the baby driver. Yes, you are. You're my little baby and you're a great driver. Ew, Jesus. Grant, you'll be my navigator. And Grant's like, okay, that's fine.

Oh, Grant, you're gonna crush it. You kids are gonna be okay. This is gonna be great. Does Grant know how to read a map? Read a map? I guess you don't need a map. Word, I mean. Oh, you're going to crush it. You kids are going to be okay. This will be great. Does Grant know how to read a map? I guess you don't need a map. Grant, you know, Mr. Oki was wondering if you know how to read a map. Don't tie me up, Terrell. All Fortnite is is reading a map.

I know everything about maps. I have amazing map reading skills and call outs. Sure, yeah, I can do call outs. Yes, you can do call outs. That's true. You're very good at that, Grant. I'll go now write some call out locations on that 3D map, and then we'll be, you can do call-outs. That's true. You're very good at that, Grant. I'll go now write some call-out locations on that 3D map, and then we'll be able to reference them during the fight.

That's great. I'm pretty familiar with call-outs myself. So you've got your baby driver, you've got your baby navigator, and you've got your baby backseat driver, and then also Sparrow. Okay, so the next thing is we've got to get the homunculuses ready to drive the decoy car. Yes. Mom? Yes? thing is we got to get the homunculuses ready to drive the decoy car. Yes. Mom?

Yes? When do we want to create these homunculi? Do we want to do that right before the battle? Because you said they're going to be pretty stupid. They'll be stupid. They're not going to like melt or anything. Are they going to wander off if we make them right now?

They might. We could tie them to like a stick or something. Oh, that feels weird. I feel a little weird about that. We can just do it right before we got to go. We'll do it right before we got to go. They're moths, man. I don't know what to tell you.

They're not going to be that wise. So yeah, I guess we can just do it right man i don't know what to tell you they're not going to be that wise so yeah i guess we could just do right before if you want to okay well we'll hold off on that we're going to talk to glenn a little bit unless we got it we gotta get some weapons we're working on some weapons we've got to get the kids geared up and then we gotta figure out how we're gonna blow these pillars so that's kind of like yeah and then we gotta check in on the fire festival and how all that's going oh yeah hey doug can we get an update on the fire festival we've been busy how have you been yeah the metrics have never been higher what does that mean what's the metrics metrics is how you determine how good things are in this world yeah how good to think you know how like you can't actually define what's good or bad objectively and

how that like fuck with philosophers for a long time turns out they just didn't have metrics now we have those and i can say that objectively, we're doing good. You're going to have pretty much every NPC that we've mentioned and forgot about will show up at some point. We've got a lot of strangers coming. How much money have we made so far on ticket sales? Pre-sales, yeah. Pre-sales. Oh, I was supposed to be

taking their money now. I thought we were doing that at the door. Oh, Doug, buddy. It's all about that PayPalpal pal he starts walking into the ocean no no no no no wait wait wait i fucked up again no we should have been more clear this is this is useful actually because glenn tell me if i'm wrong but we need some components for that spell right so maybe we can use that's a list yeah maybe we could get doug a list and he could go gather the money now two things Doug in social media every missed opportunity

is another opportunity so we can upcharge them for an additional package and then get more money out of them also I have a list of all the spell components that we'll ever need so no one has to ever bother us about those you see Doug there's things in D&D I mean in D&D

in life rather called components. And a component is something that you need to do before you can do another thing. And that kind of wastes a lot of time naturally in the world. And so normally we don't do that, but we've got some time here. Okay. All right. Well, I'll go do these and I'll try to convince everyone to pay after I told them they could pay later.

And you need to turn all that money into, we need a diamond worth 5,000 gold. That's one of the components we need. That's one of the components we need. Okay. So if Doug could do that, that'd be great. I'll find $5,000 if I have to kill my own, not my parents. I like my parents. I have enough memory of liking my parents enough left to not do that.

That's right. You are going to kill it with whoever you need to talk to. Yes. Which is what you mean when you say that, right? Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. Okay, good. So Doug heads off to go get some components and to collect, you know, payment from your hypothetical audience members. From the premium platinum tier.

Yes, from the black card wielding executives. Okay, so we're going to treat teaching your kids to drive as a single Climaction. All right, so you rolled a 4, which is good because it doesn't take you into a new threshold of them getting an upgrade. You're at 59 points out of basically once you get to 60, they then get another upgrade. We've had a tough day. All of us have had a pretty tough day. We did

a lot of soul searching. We did a lot of that. I mean, we taught our kids to drive. That's pretty exciting. Glenn's got to rest because we've got to get Odyssey Sun back tomorrow. Maybe we should talk to Matilda. Yeah, or we should just see if maybe there's a way to get a an inside peek a sneak peek if you will and what's going on over at the enemy camp just so we know what we're up against aaron can i borrow a leaf me and matilda we came up with a secret code for contacting her i just need a leaf contact she knows how to do that i guess uh okay so aaron comes out of her her workshop and then hands you a leaf. You needed Aaron to get a leaf.

We're surrounded by trees, Matt. I was working. I was in the fucking zone. I have like three or four items I'm trying to make here. You're right. For some reason, I just think leaves are all yours. You're right. Oh my God. That's offensive.

I'm, I'm, oh, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to be. I thought steak was all your thing. I guess it kind of actually is. Yeah, steak's all my thing. Got him. Yeah, you got me. I'll just be in there working. We appreciate what you're doing. We're sorry. I'm sorry I called you over of actually is. Yeah, it takes all of my family. Got him. Yeah, you got me. Got him.

I'll just be in there working. We appreciate what you're doing. I'm sorry I called you over. All right. So I open it up. I go, Matilda. And she goes, Daryl. I love that Matt did the Sega song.

Matilda. Matilda. Da-da-da-Daryl. Da-da-da-Daryl. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-Daryl. Wilson. Matilda. The-D-D-Daryl. D-D-D-D-Daryl. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Daryl. Wilson. The GameCube. Matilda, here are the,

hey, check it, these are the other dads. Hi, sweet Matilda. We've heard so much about you. Oi, I can't talk too much because we're about to go into a big batting meeting about our plans. But what's up?

How you doing? Okay, so we're getting pretty close to like tackling this whole situation. I think after because we're about to go into a big baddie meeting about our plans. But what's up? How are you doing? So we're getting pretty close to like tackling this whole situation. I think after tomorrow, we're going to be ready to go. And I want to know what's going on on the inside. And if that whole beer situation, you know, what's the, how about we tell you what we're planning? You tell us if it's useful. This information I'm about to tell you. Well, I can tell you the upgrades and stuff that we've been making.

That's better. You're the smart one. Yeah, I know. Okay. So we had some more people join us. We had punky-looking, like, force bandits. They're called the Red Band Trailers. We got them and their leader, NBA.

No, no, don't worry, guys. They're all drug users. They're going to be at this fire festival for sure. We got 10 knights with, like, gelatinous insides, and they're led by some sort of elk lady. Elizabeth Warden. Oh, shit. And then, weirdly, we also got 15 children led by somebody named gunner duckwell

that's the unfortunate payden was fighting i hold payden in frank's hand yeah yeah he immediately starts quivering uh it looks like barry got some sort of item i'm not sure what it is because anthony hasn't decided yet but he's got a wondrous item of some sort oh shit I'm not sure what it is because Anthony hasn't decided yet But he's got a wondrous item of some sort Oh shit Wondrous is bad And then there's a weird

This one's very confusing And I haven't been able to like Divine the answer out of Willy Because he hasn't been around seemingly But there's some sort of device That it seems like he took it from that bunker in Oakvale That like underground area And there's like a bunch of wires and whatnot coming out of it.

It looks dangerous. What bunker? This is the one we remember when you turn into a dog when we went back into Oakville. You know, like when we were in that little- The Oak Ridge nuclear facility. He's got a nuclear bomb? Is that what's going on? So is nuclear mean like small or long i have bad news matilda

nuclear means bad it means there's a huge show called chernobyl that was like really got into this in a riveting way but no nuclear is not a good thing it'd be like you know you turn on the stove and there's like you put like a little too much lighter fuel in your in your bbq and you get that little puff of like well you know an explosion imagine that but like big enough to blow up the entire town you're in plus 100 towns it's like when you land a really cool skateboarding trick you're like that was nuclear that's not what it's like but it's a different word for i guess you could use that but i think she means like the real type of nuclear it's gonna kill like everybody oh that's bad yeah should i find a way to stop it yeah that'd, that'd be great. Anything you can do, Matilda.

You know, I remember Daryl saying you guys have been working on a new type of barrel special that has fun, magical properties that can help us in this battle. So maybe deploy that. We'll send you another message right when we're about to start our attack.

Okay, so I should deploy the like, what is it? Like sleeping beer or something? What did we make together? Remind me. What beer do we think we were going to make? Anti-nuclear bomb beer. Bomb shelter brew.

I think sleepy beer. Atomic IPA. No, sleepy beer, you were giving me that lavender tea and you're like, hey, Daryl, maybe don't drink right before you go to bed. It actually like, you know, it actually keeps you up. Yeah, you were staying up awful, awful late. And then we like blended the lavender with the beer

and it's just like made a sleepy time beer. And then you're like, hey, you could probably pump this up it's an ipa i'll put you asleep run run run hang on to that are you writing that down um yeah that's gonna be the first beer we make together that's so good focus daryl you're right sleepy time beer but no one cares about your business that you're doing wrong that i'm not invited to hannah do you want to be part of this beer company maybe we'll talk about it later it's like it sounds like somebody um oh really quick one last thing because i i don't want to get you in trouble are you hearing about this fire festival is it breaking into the the fortress is our street team doing a good job i mean we've heard about yeah some sort of concert going on

near neverwinter we need you to hype it up to everybody. So you're going. Don't blow her cover. You want me to try to get the soldiers to leave? No! Don't tell them to leave, but just casually talk about how you wish you could go. We're trying to develop FOMO, which is I believe... Friday,

oh yay, and then Monday, oh no. We want people to feel like they're missing out on this Fyre Festival thing. Because that will help us build our hype machine. We're hoping we can maybe, depending on how cool the Fyre Festival is, get a lot of these people to just kind of leave. Yeah, you could try to just be like, take a picture of some of these yurts. Wow, that looks really cool. That looks like a great fun weekend.

Just lightly drop hints like that. All right, I'll do my best. Stay safe. Don't do anything that will get you in trouble. Let's let Daryl and Matilda say something to each other without us there. We're going to go over there, Daryl. Why are you being so weird about it? What are you wearing right now?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's how we joke. It's how we joke. I know. I'm trying to. It's hard. I'm sorry.

I just can't. I still love Daryl, you know. I know you do. I'm sure she loves you. talked about this i know i know i'm trying to i thought it's hard i'm sorry i just can't i still love carol you know i know you do i'm sure she loves you but when i watched you pour those beers you're just so much man you're so much man i i appreciate that mattel you stay safe and okay well if i live through this can i get a kiss on the cheek you got it lady mattel remember you deserve you deserve so much and you're gonna find somebody and you're gonna gonna get a kiss on the cheek you got it lady but Toto remember you deserve you deserve so much

and you're gonna find somebody and you're gonna make it through this I appreciate you so much for helping us I gotta go you're the best goodbye my son in stars dad you heard all that right

yes I did we're gonna need to talk to you about this later but that's um oh boy you just beat him away with a stick that's my boy okay wow

sounds like tomorrow we're really doing this thing. Yeah. Freddie, plug your ears because we need to talk about Glenn. Okay. So I've never done. You've probably done them, Henry. How do you do an intervention? How do we bring them in?

All right. So what we need to do is we need to sit down and tell and just for the record all the interventions i've done have been unsuccessful because they were with my sons oh okay but the what we need to do is just be like hey could you come over and sit down you know we all have some we don't need to say it's an intervention right at the start you know we just start talking to glenn about what we feel act natural act natural and we'll just be like hey glenn we know we you know how you doing then we'll sit down we'll just be like, hey Glenn, how you doing? And then we'll sit down

and we'll start talking. So our objective, what is our objective? Well, I don't know. Last, in talking to my therapist, doctor, not me, and then you said

that you talked to your mom, and then you said that you talked to your dad, and then it was all very cathartic and sort of wrapped up your character arc in a sort of like

a really wonderful way to set the stakes before we go forward here. Yeah, it just seems like he's not really dealing with his son yeah or lack thereof lack thereof i think the goal is to get him to talk about how he feels oh i didn't tell you guys this but when we first got to the beach you know you're having a nice moment with terry and you were talking to your your son it was that night he mentioned he was thinking about not going back home okay that's that's a. That's a big thing. I should have brought that up before. I'm sorry.

We just gotta crack him open and just fucking be there for whatever comes out. Okay, okay. Alright, here we go. Hey, where's Glenn right now? You're good, by the way. Glenn's probably on the hammock. His hammock on the beach. There's like little piss holes dotted all over. Oh, no.

Hey, Henry, you brought four beers, but there's only three of us here. Ah, shucks. I guess that means Glenn will have to have two because I canonically don't drink beer. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I mean, no, but one of these beers is a kombucha for you. Yeah. Hey, Glenn. Hey.

Hey, man. Hey. We were all thinking maybe we have, you know, one little drink together before. Yeah, right. Yeah, some brewskis. We were just over here having a heck of a time. Hey, what about that driving test today? Hey, Lark did real good. Oh, thanks, man.

Drifting around? I'm a little nervous. All that stuff? Huh? Those moves? You taught him real well, Glenn. Yeah, I wonder how well Nick would have done. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, man. So speaking of that. Why don't you have a seat, buddy, in a fun way, in a casual way

Well I am We were in a circle But then Daryl gets up And sits in between Henry and Ron So it's very much Three of them looking at Just Glenn

Oh what's going on This feels kind of like Oh nothing I just That chair was a little small I'm sorry Oh okay Well I'm going to stay

In the hammock if that's alright That's fine However you feel comfortable Glenn I'm getting good sleep in here Oh yeah what's up We We want...

How are you doing, buddy? Like, you know, cool. Pretty cool. Pretty? Because it seems like you've gone through a lot, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I got to say, personally, I'm a little worried about you, man. Ah, that's all right.

I appreciate that, man. But, you know, I'm good. Well, you know, I just... I feel like we've been moving a mile a minute since everything that happened with the trial and with Jody and with Nick and I just keep thinking about how I would feel if I was in that situation and I think about how bad it would hurt and how I don't know how I would deal with that and I gotta be honest your friend, the way you've been dealing with it concerns me. I feel like you've been, well, you know, you're peeing in the ground.

Well, hold on. I want to be clear. I've been peeing on the ground since the beginning. Oh, okay. But, you know, like, I feel like maybe you're not dealing with your pain or you're maybe trying to stuff it down so you don't got to feel it. But, like, we love you. And, you know, Daryl told us that you

were thinking of maybe staying behind and that really concerns me because i just i wanted daryl that was a that was a bro the bro sorry i'm sorry i really didn't think it was a secret not for these two i i we did sign ndas after that but here personally i just want to maybe i felt like i kind of interrupted you or you know we neither of us were really feeling like talking that moment i'm just i right now would like to know you know what are you feeling that way and maybe you can Maybe I felt like I've interrupted you. Neither of us were really feeling like talking that moment. I right now would like to know, are you feeling that way? Maybe you can tell us about it. Yeah, a little bit.

I'll tell you what. Yeah. I mean, you got to remember, guys, after the trial, I was in a cell for a while. Yeah, man. For a long time. What was it? A few days or something for you guys. But it was years for me, man. I had a lot of time to think in there.

Me and Nick Jr., I bounced a lot of ideas off my boy Nick Jr. here. Squeak. Yeah, yeah. Glenn? Mm-hmm. Nick Jr.'s not your son. I know.

I know he's not my son. Nick Jr.'s a rat that kept me company through those long years. And down there, that's basically all I had. And I got to say, have you ever read that book? What was it? The Count of Monte Cristo? The movie's good.

I haven't read the book, though. Tell us about the book. I don't remember it that much, actually. I had to read it back in school or something. But anyway, the point is, I just got the feeling that sometimes the universe can be a real piece of shit. And sometimes you roll good, and sometimes you roll bad. Things are unfair, and the world changes around you.

It's not up to you. Sometimes fate kind of takes things away from you. Or maybe it is your fault a little bit. But I guess after all that time down there and consulting with my boy Nick Jr. here, I guess after all that time down there and consulting with my boy Nick Jr. here, all that grief I felt losing my son, I eventually just had to accept it. But good news, I've channeled all that into hatred for my dad because I just kept going back to the same answer, which is if I could just kill my dad, things will feel a lot better. That's kind of where I'm at right now. Well, that sounds healthy. Did you feel it yeah even i guess you didn't read the book but like that's that's the kind of

opposite lesson of so like in the movie different did they change it up yeah they it's not going to feel i mean we might have to um who i think killing your dad getting home is is important but what is home for me anymore well is it is it the place where your loved ones are is that where it is is that where home is what is home for you daryl i mean yeah home isn't a place for me home is where the people i love is and where i can always come back to and i know you've lost all that and i can't so then what the fuck am i supposed to do i i i don't know what do you want glenn do you want a relationship with your son? Yeah.

Well, then that's what you do, man. So go to hell? That's if you want. Hell yeah, you go to hell. If you want a relationship with Nick, your son, who you love, you fight for that, man. And that's more important than your dad, just as your friend. I'm just saying that. What do you think you're going to feel after you kill your dad? Do you think you're going to feel happy? Do you think that that's gonna help you get nick back i know

it's something we gotta do but man you gotta like if that's what's important to you that's what's important to you and that's your family if nick is still your family then at the very least you gotta try all right i don't know if you'll be able to live with yourself i want to have you know i'm gonna give nick and his his new dad a little bit of space but i don't want to you'll be able to live with yourself. I want to have, you know, I'm going to give Nick and his new dad a little bit of space. But I don't want to be out of his life either. And I just got to say this. I just got to say I've seen a lot of stuff where they're talking about, oh, revenge isn't a good feeling. It's all empty at the end.

It's like, well, maybe sometimes I want to try it out for myself. How many of those nerd authors ever really did kill their own father, huh? How could they know? They're just making it up. They're just imagining it. It's fiction. And I don't know is this is all i'm thinking about and it's kind of tough to let go of because i do feel like my dad's a bad dude and he's responsible indirectly for a lot of us he's responsible for all of us being here in the first place he's

responsible for this whole mess that we got ourselves into so if not death then what just to let him go well i was thinking you know henry you don't know what's really important to glenn only glenn knows what's important to glenn so i don't think we should judge him for thinking like one thing we'll do well i'm not done with you yet judge him for thinking about what will make him feel better if he needs to feel better at all so i guess i don't know maybe this wasn't the best intervention because we're kind of trying to intervene on each other and then figuring out what...

There's a lot of cross-intervening going on. Wait, is this an intervention? No, it wasn't an intervention. We're just concerned about you. It was an intervention, Glenn. We're worried for our friend, Glenn. We love you and we're scared. And we see you going through these emotions and you're so internal about it and we can't read you

and we're freaked out. We're all scared. Maybe I'm intervening myself right now. Maybe I'm intervening how scared I am for my friend Glenn, and it's making me do crazy things like judge people, which is not something I'd like to do, but I guess I'm doing it. You're very right, Ron.

Thank you for the note. But Glenn, as your friend Henry, who didn't like you when I first met you, but has grown tolerant of you, and has found a sort of affection for you. And who sees you being a good dad to Nick? And I just, I guess we'll figure it out. I'm sorry, Glenn.

We really weren't trying to sabotage you. And good point, Ron. I'm just going to leave you at this because you're right. There's a lot. All I want to say is that whatever you need, we are here for you. And there's so much going on that I can't possibly imagine. I don't know what home is for you.

All I want you to know is that the three dads here we all love you and if you ever come back to us or want to be with us we are here for you and then we're here for you in this end of this journey and there's a lot going on but we're here for you so yeah maybe glenn we're not home but we are olive garden and when you're here, you're family. Okay, as you say that, from Aaron's hut, you hear a loud crash and a bang, and you hear, oh, fuck, fuck. And then the door, after a brief moment of scuffling, you see the door kick open, and Aaron comes out holding a bunch of items in her arms, and also she's bleeding from her stomach from a wound. Aaron! I cast my bunch of items in her arms. And also she's bleeding from her stomach from like a wound.

Aaron! I cast my highest level healing spell on her. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Oh boy. Fuck. You gotta be careful in there. Oh my gosh.

I know I have to be careful, Henry. Thank you. No, I'm sorry. I'm really judging a lot of people right now. And I'm going to just take a step back for a second. Okay. So I've got some items for you. All right.

One of them is kind of time sensitive, but I'll save that for that because it requires more explanation. First of all, I've got the ring of swapping. This is very neat. So this is from Eric Zbulski. Thank you, Eric.

As a bonus action, the wearer can choose to swap places with a creature they can see within 100 feet. They then swap places, and that creature is now wearing the ring of swapping. Whoa. That's cool. So that person can now use the ring of swapping whoa so that person can now use

the ring of swapping so that's cool so why don't you take that and she flicks it into the air kind of hurriedly and she's looking a little bit like oh because you gotta stop henry grabs the ring then there is the amulet of young blood by chase davis thank you chase davis i don't know if you'll be able to use this maybe well could be fun when you wear it it makes you appear like a young kid doesn't do anything your stats just makes you look like a kid. That's fun. Ooh, interesting. And then she pulls up what looks like a dictionary and she goes, this one's very strong.

You should be careful about this one. It's called The Word Anomicon and she tosses it at one of you. And she goes, so this is by Simon Young.

Thank you, Simon. It's a dictionary with three magical spaces that the dads can use to create words that will instantly be assimilated into the common tongue

as if they always existed. That's a Glenn one if i've ever heard nbcs all understand the words and their meaning there's three slots do not all the dbs at the same time and words was existed our world may not have dictionary definitions but yeah basically just lies to create words it's kind of cool it's mainly for like getting in people's heads and stuff like that okay so the one it still hurts uh and she pulls out a knife very long sharp knife and she goes this is the cut to the Chase by Will S.

Thank you, Will. And the premise of this is that if you, I thought that it would be like a long time thing, but it's a time thing. So if you basically like prick yourself with it, then you get resistance against all damage from a particular enemy type. So I was just like, oh, humans, and stabbed myself.

And it like, I could feel the power that it works and stuff like that. But basically, now that it's been used, we only have until the next one. We need to prick or stab. Well, I kind of erred on the side of stab, but it basically does like 64 damage to you. But if you're going to be doing a long rest of stuff anyway, then it shouldn't be that big of a deal. But it's like I turned it on and its battery is running out when i stabbed myself with it i was experimenting with it i accidentally turned it on sounds like this could be a good thing to use for that dragon yeah you unfortunately have to use it now because otherwise you would like go to the fight and then just decide what was about to hit you or whatever but like yeah i was thinking at the very least

glenn could use it for the dragon because the dragon is going to come after him because of all the shit that went down in meth bay i don't know if you all wanted to use it on like humans because of your dads and stuff i'm gonna use it on dragons okay all right yeah that's okay anybody have a problem with that i yeah i don't so one person gets to use it is that no we all get to use it oh okay we'll start with glenn because he knows what he wants to use all, so Glenn, go ahead and hold out your hands. Do the left arm because I use them right-handed. Okay, and that's your big left arm, right?

Normie. So roll 64. 64, okay. Three. Don't roll high or low. One. I mean, probably low, but... One.

One. Three, one, one, one. Six. Six. She goes... Oh, shit, I'm holding it backwards. She flips it back right side up and she goes, oh, here we go. It. She goes, oh shit, I'm holding it backwards. She like flips it back right side up and she goes, oh, here we go.

It's gonna work this time. She stabs you. Go ahead and roll 64 again. Again? Yeah, sorry. So it take more damage? There's only, there's like a limited number of charges on it.

I see. A seven. Okay, go ahead and tell me the species that you want to get resistance against. Dragons. Erin grabs her stomach and sort of doubles over and like puts her hand on your shoulder to steady herself. And she gets real close to you and she goes, dragons erin grabs her stomach and sort of doubles over and like puts her hand on your shoulder to

steady herself and she gets real close to you and she goes you mean dragging these nuts across your face power word kill and her polymorph spell disappears from her and you see willie stampler and your heart your heart explodes inside of your chest because you are now below 100 hp and you have 15 seconds to say or do something before the blood leaves your body and you go unconscious and die one two three four five doesn't matter it's power word kill six seven eight i nine i ten eleven freeze them something can we do 13 i'm gonna cast i'm gonna cast against willieeeblemind. Okay, so what does Feeblemind do?

Feeblemind is I blast the mind of a creature that I can see within range, attempting to shatter its intellect and personality. Taro takes 4d6 psychic damage and must make an intelligent saving throw. On a failed save, the creature's intelligence and charisma scores become 1. The creature can't cast spells, activate magic items,

understand language, or communicate in any intelligible way. At the end of every 30 days, the creature can repeat its saving throw against a spell. If it succeeds on the saving throw, the spell ends.

So he has to make an intelligent saving throw. Yeah. Put the bracelet on him. I'm going to roll side of hand. First of all. Fuck. Yeah, first feeble mind.

Okay, so he got a 17, so he saves. I hate to break it to you, my friend. What does that do? Attack save is, at my level, intelligence 18. Really? Okay. To explain Feeblemind, I go,

I already made the Deez Nuts joke, you moron. But somehow he resists the power of the Enfeeblemind. So as that's going on, Henry looks at Ron and then slams a hand on Ron's shoulder. I cast Guidance on Ron. It's like Bardic Inspiration. He gets a D4 to add to an ability check of his choice. I want to fucking do a sneak attack for the first time in my fucking life. Go for it.

Okay, I'm going to roll Stealth and try to slip behind him like a little sandworm. Okay, go ahead and roll Stealth. That's such a heavy sounding dice. I know. 19 plus 11. Oh my god. So it's 30. I'll have him roll I guess perception. He got a 14. So you successfully

managed to sneak behind him. So you got one action before he's going to take his action. Okay. We're trying to get the bracelet on Willy. Yeah. Fuck. That's a 6. Okay. We're trying to get the bracelet on Willie. Yeah. Fuck. That's a six. Okay, but... You got advantage. Roll again. Fucking... Fifteen. Okay, plus... Plus your... Roll your...

Plus four. So, nineteen. Nineteen. Plus one. Plus one. Twenty. Okay. So, I'll have him roll. So, he got a five. Oh, shit. The cuff is about to go around his wrist you can feel the temperature the air changes his body from his hand is is radiating onto yours it's it's that close to him and then all of a sudden his hand darts out and without looking back he goes are you guys fucking stupid i'm a goddamn legend And he uses his second legendary resistance.

He only has three for the entire rest of this campaign. But he can at any time where he would have failed a check, succeed a check. And so he uses it in that moment and slaps the bracelet out of your hand. But when he turns and sees that it's you, Ron, holding the bracelet against him, that you actually raised a hand against him. For the first time in his eyes, you see surprise, you see shock, and his smile disappears and it's replaced with something. It's not, but it's like the next door neighbor of fear that you would feel comfortable raising a hand against your own father. And you could tell he was about to try to say something clever, about to try to say

something mean. As he looks into your eyes, he can't think of anything, and he just snaps his fingers and he's gone. He teleports away to another location using a 7th level spell teleport, and as he disappears, a bloodied Erin O'Neil comes out of her

home, holding the stab wound on her stomach, and she goes, Willie, it's's and then she sees Glenn oh no and it's alright there and I had a better deez nuts joke and then Glenn close dies

holy shit I'm gonna go to a wrestling show no my haters oh my god! be all right it'll be all right cause that's just right all you do is try it'll be all right Dungeons and

Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson Anthony Birch is our DM Will Campos is Henry Oak Beth May is

Ron Stampler and myself Freddie Wong is Glenn Close our theme song is All Right by Maxton Waller Courtney Theron is

our content producer Ashley Nicolette is our community manager Chad Ellis provides additional editing Robin Rapp is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to Eric Sapolsky, Chase Davis, and Simon Young for submitting items that we used in this episode.

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Hey, this is Walter D. Moore with Walter D.oral Blacksmithing. Please buy my knives. I need gas for my lawnmower. And most of the work I've been doing has been pro bono for these four dads. It's been a long time since I actually made a sale.