Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 67 - Mortal Wombat

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

The dads pay their respects and skirmish with enemy forces as the final pieces of their plan fall into place.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, drug use, and violence towards children.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCourtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerChad Ellis provides additional editing and sound designRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Goblin-teased nuts, both left-teased nuts, dragon-teased nuts, two-seated nuts. I stabbed myself, lowered my health, my blood was spilled, power-worked kill. We should've guessed, we failed the test, so obvious, and five was less. I know that we all know that my joke was subjectively much better, but anyone unresponded delusion, this must be my karmic retribution. My time is done, think of my son, wish you all well, see you in hell. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

It's actually a really sad D&D podcast about, it used to be about four dads from our world. You said you could do this and you were the only one that wasn't going to cry. You have to keep it together. About three still living dads from our world. I will say Peyton's around, so you're sort of up to four again. I don't care. I don't want to talk to you. Fuck off. All right. All right. You don't get to talk. All right. Okay. It's about three dads from our world trying to save their lost sons, not really saving anybody else in the process in a magical world of fantasy. I'm Beth May. I'm introducing the podcast. Freddie is no

longer on the podcast or even here. I don't know this is gonna get edited no the little brave soul that is freddie he said he could tough through it and he still had a dad fact for us yeah hey i used to play glenn close it's weird to hear freddie's voice i haven't heard in so long the rock and roll bard dj of the rock and roll bard dj dead dad glenn starts every podcast at the very beginning so that whenever he starts a podcast, he gets the full context. Doesn't everybody start at the very beginning? There are some people who don't.

Some people don't. Some people just go with the latest episode and they get really confused. There was a dude on the Reddit for this where he was like, he listened to 62 and he's like, I don't know, it seems like kind of a dark podcast. It's the one where you're going to run the brain.

I respect that energy so much, I want to say. That guy is way happier than any of us will ever be. Yeah, it's true. Hey, everybody. This is Matt Arnold playing still alive Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this horrible, shitty world of death and despair. We're going to take a break from the sins here.

We all decided as a group that our dad facts are going to be our favorite thing about Glenn. So that's great. Daryl's favorite thing about Glenn is when he put his own son's happiness before his own and went to prison. He also really he also really respected despite not really like admiring or liking Glenn as a person. Daryl did respect that Glenn went out exactly as himself.

Daryl sometimes wishes he could be true to himself and the fact that his last thing he said was a dick joke was like, at least he went out. He died the way he lived.

He died the way he lived and he respects that. Hi everyone, I'm Will Campos. I play Birkenstock, Rockin' Crunchy Munchy, Hippie Nature, Druid Dad,

Henry Oak. Henry's favorite thing about, Henry had a complicated feelings about Glenn. Yeah, we know. Henry really regrets his last conversation with Glenn. Oh, that's great. He feels that everyone else was less judgmental

and more accepting of Glenn, and he regrets that. But at the same time, he's still very judgmental of Glenn. Henry admires that Glenn is a man of conviction and that he's a man who stands up for what he believes in, even if that's just himself a lot of the time. What's this half-ass compliments, backhanded ass compliments? And he also thought Glenn was really hot. I'll put that out there. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached and guilty. Very guilty

feeling stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron's feelings about Glenn this week is that Ron really respected Glenn's ability to chill and to be cool and masculine. And Ron respects Glenn as somebody who also has an asymmetrical body part. Glenn has a huge arm, jacked arm. Ron has a huge dick. And then also and then also leg hair that exists for

different reasons or doesn't exist rather. Also, he's wearing underwear, really short underwear, so it's got to curl up around unless it's peeking out the bottom. I highly doubt that Ron's dick is peeking out the bottom of his boxers. Actually, we've all noticed just the dads have just decided not to comment on it.

The dads have noticed the you in Ron's shorts. Okay. Anyway, and then also talking about the dick. Listen,

fellas, I remember early on we rolled for like dick size because that's the maturity that we bring to if you're just joining us in

episode 60 something. All right, man. What's up? You fucking piece of shit. Yeah. What's up, you fucking piece of shit? Yeah, what's up, asshole? My husband's even saying, hi, I'm Anthony. I'm your dad.

Oh. Hi, I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. We actually all got, what's the thing where children divorce their parents? We all did that. Emancipation. Emancipation. Yeah, you're not our dad.

You can't say that. We're emancipated adults. Emancipation is everything we don't like about anything. Yeah. Specifically a surreal person. That'll be a fucking My Favorite Murder Ass episode. 75 minutes intro. specifically a surreal person that'll be a fucking uh my favorite murder ass episode the worst thing about anthony right now is that he's wearing his swimsuit with no shirt on eating grapes yeah honestly uh i've never felt happier it turns out that if you just accept being a super villain literally nothing can upset you in the slightest yeah when we finished recording the

last episode i had bought tickets to a wrestling show that was like two hours away so I finished killing Glenn I slammed my laptop shut and I went I'm going to wrestling show bye haters and left and didn't say another word to anybody yeah went to a wrestling show came back and this morning while they were all inside the main house trying to figure out how they were going to get Glenn back or how

they were going to deal with all the shit I was alone swimming in the pool just doing fucking laps just living my best goddamn life and I felt like such a piece of shit. I was alone swimming in the pool, just doing fucking laps, just living my best goddamn life. And I felt like such a piece of shit. And it was amazing. I don't know why I ever tried to be a good person. It's a fucking waste of time. Heal energy is the most fun energy in the world.

Love to be a heal. So when we last left, Willie Stampler had managed to infiltrate the base that you'd all set up on the beach. Thanks to some of the upgrades that the bad guys had built while you were training, he managed to infiltrate the base that you'd all set up on the beach. Thanks to some of the upgrades that the bad guys had built while you were training. He managed to sneak past the trees and he managed to sneak into Aaron O'Neill's hut. He managed to best her in a fight with one of the magical implements that she was making, which is just really a really sharp knife.

That's it. That's all that knife was. That's all it was. It was just a really sharp knife. It did really high damage. It was like, what was it, 44 or 10 to 4 or something? It was a lot. It was enough to get you below 99. So no one's getting any new resistances. No no that was a complete lie it was just an excuse

to make glenn say dragon kind of figures that the person who gets hit by a d's nuts joke come back with a weaker one i get it yeah yeah i think glenn got the moral victory so i got the moral victory willie used power kill and exploded glenn's heart and in the 15 seconds that glenn had remaining before the blood pooled into where his heart used to be and he passed out and died, he attempted to enfeeble Willie, attempted to help Ron put the cuffs on Willie. But Willie used two of his three remaining legendary resistances that he has for the entire game. So he has one left to evade those situations.

So now we go back to the exact moment where Willie teleported away. Glenn is lying dead on the floor. Erin has just healed herself up and is limping over to Glenn's body. Yeah, I guess the rat is probably. Oh, no. I think I'm going to play the rat for this episode. Is that all right for everybody? Fucking, yeah, sure.

So the rat's going to go squeak, squeak, squeak, and like lightly touch, you know, Glenn's face. Oh, no. Glenn, Glenn, quick. Say something that he disagrees with so he'll argue and and glenn um rock is bad rock is whack christian music is the best uh and uh and um oh god oh god daryl daryl just like goes straight into coach mode just like he's dealt with this sort of like horror before he's just he just screams he goes mrs oak mrs oak check the kids are the kids okay everybody gather the kids we don't know if willie's still here um aaron are you okay aaron i'm okay okay check glenn

henry do you have any spells is there anything you can do here i don't know i don't know i don't know uh let me think let me think the rat is doing cpr i check i check glenn's body like is there anything nick jr i know how to do CPR. You gotta say staying alive. I did this with the snake. You gotta do it to the stay

in alive would be great. Especially when you're Chekhov's snake. I check Glenn's pulse. Yeah, no pulse. He's gone. He's dead.

Oh, my God. You would stay alive, Glenn. Then it not be the end. What is Nick Jr. doing? Nick Jr. is, again, attempting CPR. He's like jumping up and down on his chest. I'm going to grab Nick Jr. doing? Nick Jr. is, again, attempting CPR. He's like jumping up and down on the chest. I'm going to grab Nick Jr. and pet him. It's great.

The kids are sort of circled up behind Autumn. Autumn is trying to hold them back from getting too close. Everyone is staring at the body. Terry Jr. looks horrified. Grant looks at it with a familiarity that is disconcerting. This is not the first dead body he has seen, obviously. And Lark and Sparrow are looking are looking at it sparrow looks absolutely devastated he's already crying and lark just looks fucking angry mom get the kids out of here yeah of course of course she

goes okay kids let's go back to the crap they need to take care of oh shit aaron can you just secure i don't know the trees can you just secure this area make sure that nothing else is is around here that that that willie's not here or anybody else's is around here prove you're actually Aaron I don't trust you I told I pour my whole out my whole heart out to you and you you that wasn't me that was not me that was after the session he just came in he stabbed me with that fucking knife and then he he thought he'd killed me and he came out but no it's me it's me you've told me are you okay do you need anything? Are you you handle yourself?

I'll I'll go talk to the trees. I'll do a sweep. Make sure he's he's not around. And she heads off into the forest and starts barking orders at the trees that immediately start running around. Mrs. Oak, can you come back here once the kids are OK? Yeah. So she leaves the kids with a couple of trees that are trying and failing to distract the kids by like playing with the crab back and moving in tarps and stuff like that. And they're all just sort of staring in your direction, like looking just trying to get details. So yeah, autumn comes back. Okay, I'm not trying

to put the pressure on on you, Henry or mistook. But I don't know this magic stuff. Is there anything? So anything you you either know how to do? Is there something we can do here? I can certainly revive him because he died so recently. We've got his body, which is good. But I can revive him. But just like you saw with Doug or, or, or Aaron or scam likely, or I guess with that snake,

you revive, he won't come back with a soul. He'll come back with like memories of what Glenn is supposed to be. And he won't be the same guy. And you may, you may want that. That may be what you want, but I've seen it happen enough to know that ultimately it does a lot more harm.

Wait a minute, mom, wait a minute. And then Henry runs off. Okay. Towards the room where we were studying all of Barry's old tomes and writings. He comes back out a minute later

with a manic look on his face and this old book with like a loose piece of parchment. He says, mom, I know that when we resurrect someone, we bring them back, but their soul doesn't come back, right? That's how it works. That's how you, but their soul doesn't come back, right? That's how it works. That's how you, Anthony, the DM said this works, right? Yes, that's how I, Autumn, explained it.

And also how my God, Anthony, explained it, yes. Henry blows the dust off of this old book. Henry. Jesus. Oh, sorry, Daryl. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. This is a really dusty old book. And he flips to this page and he says,

we can't resurrect him, but what if we reincarnate him? And he reads from the book, reincarnate, fifth level transmutation, casting time, one hour, duration, instantaneous. You touch a dead humanoid or piece of a dead humanoid, provided that the creature has been dead for no longer than 10 days, the spell forms a new adult body for it

and then calls the soul to enter that body. If the target soul isn't free or willing to do so, the spell fails. Now, the trick is we could rebirth him into this world. He'll have a new body. We don't know what form that body will take, other than that it'll be humanoid, because we have to roll a d100 to see what kind of new body comes back in. But we can save him. We can still save him in that Buffy episode. Again, she came back, but she was in

heaven. That's how she was mad. And like, I'm sorry. Would that work on him? Can that? Absolutely. Yeah. I can't see a flaw in what you just said. okay what do you need to do henry i'm gonna need about an hour to cast this spell mom i'm assuming you have all of our family rare oils and unjuice worth at least a thousand gold points on i think the ones i have are like because of the market share changing i think they're like 900 yeah the dnd mail doesn't talk about supply and demand it's like oh it's a gem worth 5 000 it's like in this economy so she says 900 and then and then doug doug yeah doug shows up with an unjuice it's like oh it's a gem worth five thousand it's like in this economy so she says 900 and then and then doug doug shows up with an anju and he's like this one is definitely at least 150 on the right market and plus the dmsrp of the oil is really what counts wow holy shit wow if you didn't already have inspiration you would right there okay all right what's i think mom can you

help me with the spell? Absolutely. All right. So she joins hands with you. This is going to be weird, guys. Just brace yourselves. And shit could go crazy. And I don't know if it's going to work. We don't know where Glenn is, where he's being held, or even if he wants to come back. But there's only one way to find out. And so we cast reincarnate. Cool. So for an hour, you and your mother concentrate and you chant and go ahead and roll a finger tugging a lot of finger tutting uh go ahead and roll a d100 it's

just the oa or whatever yes apparently the magicians also do it too really yeah in the show the magicians maybe we need to come up with a cool finger for an audio i just clicked the site that says D100 and I got a one. Dragonborn. So yes, a dragon body appears on the ground before us. A dragonborn body. A dragon nut. So a dragonborn body

appears in front of you. I call forth to Glenn's soul to enter the body across the planes of existence. And in that moment, the magic leaves you and the spell fails. And the soulless husk of a dragonborn sits inert between you and your mother why what happened there's two options either something is keeping

him from coming back or he doesn't want to and i don't know i'm gonna believe that it's because he's with his son why are you gonna believe the best option when obviously the worst is happening all the time? There's never been the best option happening. My dad was right in front of me. He was right in front of me and I couldn't even reach him. I couldn't. All these things I had been practicing and being sneaky and none of it worked. No, you did it.

You did it. This is Frank speaking. You're not to blame for the fact that he's just really strong. You managed to almost get it around him. You made him use one of his strongest defense mechanisms of resisting you. You can't blame yourself for this. You blame yourself for everything, Ron, but this can't be one of those things. You did it. Ron, you stood up to him. We all did our best. You know, look, yes, you're right that sometimes bad things happen. By all accounts, we shouldn't even be here. But we have to hold on to hope, Ron.

If we can't believe that things can go out well, you know, like me meeting you, me meeting Daryl, me meeting Glenn, that was all good things. You're all good forces in my life. And I'm going to go on believing what I have to believe. And that's that our good friend, Glenn, he has died, but he's home. He's home with his son right now. And we have to hold onto that because if we can't hold onto that, then how are we ever going to hold onto the hope that we can get home? Ron, we, you didn't fail. We, you're not alone in this. We're all in this together.

We all, this just happened and whether it failed or succeeded, it doesn't matter. We, it's not just your burden. Okay. Like we're all no we all could have done more and we all did our best at the same time i know i know i'm sorry i'm sorry no don't be sorry just it happened i think right now you got nick jr here we gotta get his body out of out of the way and and the kids shouldn't be seeing this we should bury we should bury glenn right now. So Aaron comes back and she sort of coughs in her hand. She goes, Willie used the power word kill, right, on your friend Glenn and exploded his heart. Yeah. And that means that he can't use that again until he takes a long rest.

He has to rest for eight hours. He has to sleep for eight hours. And I know you had planned for your concert or whatever to be like in a couple days. But if you wait that long, he'll be able to do it again to anybody who's under 100 hp essentially so I don't know what you can do whatever you want with that information but as long as he doesn't take another long rest he can't do that again so we're supposed to throw a fire festival without a dj or headline or wait a minute I guess that's kind of how the actual fire festival went. Yeah. People super excited,

and then nobody showed up. There's also something we can do, a spell I have access to that could maybe help us out here a little bit. What's that? I can give him nightmares. Okay. There's a spell called Dream

that if we want to keep this from happening, we can give Willie nightmares tonight because that fucking bastard doesn't deserve a good night's rest. No. After all the horrible shit he's done. And we can give him nightmares, Ron. You can give him whatever nightmare you want.

And then when he wakes up, he's not going to have rested at all. And that means he won't get power word kill back and at least wouldn't go into battle knowing he isn't any more recharged than he is right now. Okay. We all look to the DM and be like,

does that check out? That makes perfect sense. That seems like exactly what that ability is for. Okay. I cast dream. You or a willing creature you touch enters a trance state acting as a messenger. The messenger appears in the target's dreams and can converse with the

target as long as it remains asleep through the duration of the spell. The messenger who's going to be Ron can also shape the environment of the dream creating landscapes objects and other images this is great because essentially we're fucking with him the way he fucked with us yeah oh yeah that's really cool you should make it the water underwater with the doodler tentacles you can make the messenger appear monstrous and terrifying to the target if you do the messenger can deliver a message of no more than 10 words and then the target must take a wisdom saving throw. On a failed save,

echoes of the phantasmal monstrosity spawn a nightmare that lasts the duration of the target's sleep and prevents the target from gaining any benefit from that rest. In addition,

when they wake up, they take 3d6 psychic damage. Oh, Ron, when you grabbed your dad's arm, did you manage to catch like a little bit of his skin in your fingernails or like one of his hairs on his hand? Yes.

Okay. Then that means he takes his saving throw with disadvantage. Perfect. Okay, so Henry casts the spell and I look and I say, Ron, are you ready for this? Y'all ready for this? I'm ready. And I put a hand on Ron's shoulder and I say,

kick his fucking ass, Ron. And then Ron falls into a trance. And then it's like in a hypnosis show where the guy puts the trance body into a chair like Henry guides Ron into a chair. Daryl runs over to Terry and be like, hey, hey, Ron's not dead. Henry's just doing a quick spell really quick.

Oh, God, I thought that Henry had killed him and Henry was also Willie. It's all good, kids. We'll check it back in with you. We'll talk about it later. Oh, my God, I'm like a wilson okay so i think like the mind of ron sees the sleeping body of willie the vulnerable sleeping body of willie he looks infuriatingly comfy oh my god so the bed that he's sleeping on or where wherever he's sleeping on, transforms into a lake. And he was once horizontal, but is now drifting vertically down into the depths of the lake, which is getting darker and darker and darker.

And maybe he can see a source of light up above him, but that's fading fast. Behind him, Ron has become the shape and the girth and the rigidity of the doodler. I wrap a wormy tentacle around Willie and turn him around to face me. I bring him up to the surface, closer and closer to the lake, closer and closer to the top of the lake. And I push his little evil head up through the crest of the water where he can see Teenage Ron standing over him. And Teenage Ron says to Willie,

you're enough just as you are. and Teenage Ron says to Willie, you're enough just as you are and you are nothing. And the doodler drags him down back into the lake. That's fucking awesome. Fucking hell. His eyes get huge as the image of Teenage Ron begins to recede from his vision as he's pulled deeper and deeper into the darkness and he's going to make a disadvantaged

wisdom saving throw and he only has a plus one wisdom. Doesn't matter what he rolls for his second one because he got a fucking three. Tight. So he screamed a silent scream as bubbles what's the verb for bubbling? That's not bubbling. As bubbles escape from his fucking throat as he is dragged deeper and deeper and his voice

begins to get hoarser and hoarser and the pitch of it gets higher and throat as he is dragged deeper and deeper and his voice begins to get hoarser and hoarser and the pitch of it gets higher and higher as he is dragged into that darkness and he will not be having a restful sleep tonight. I bring Ron out of the trance. Ron, how did it go? I think it went pretty well. Well, it seems to me like this has kind of forced our hand a little bit.

We've got to attack tomorrow. Yeah. We've got to attack before Willie goes to sleep again. Yeah. Which means it's go time. But before we do, I think we've got to say goodbye to our friend. Yeah. Can you do the Star Wars Darth Vader funeral fire?

You know what I'm saying? It's what Glenn would have wanted. It's what Glenn would have wanted. Something tells me Glenn. You know what Glenn'm saying? It's what Glenn would have wanted. It's what Glenn would have wanted. Something tells me, Glenn, well, you know what Glenn loved doing? Smoking up. Yeah. Glenn was blazing it 24-7.

And in honor of our good friend, Glenn, I think we should blaze him. I want to put Glenn in a boat and send him out to sea and then throw an explosive football at him. Yeah. I think it's what he would really enjoy. Kind of two orthogonal funeral ideas, but you can make it work.

He'll burn out in the ocean. Better to burn out than fade away. Yeah. You got to wrap the body in like a blunt. All three of these dads trying to make a blunt. Trying to roll away. Trying to roll their dead friend into a blunt. I have a vision.

I can sense something reaching out into the beyond to contact Glenn's soul. It's like I can feel a little bit of what Glenn would have wanted. And what he would have wanted was for us to roll him up into a huge blunt and send him out to scene, blow him up. Yes, that feels like the most Glenn thing he would have ever wanted. That's great. Also, do we have his anchor? Yeah, it's still on his body.

Which is just the blunt. I think we should all smoke this joint tonight. Oh, my God. Daryl pulls out and is like, now, I don't know how to do this. I've never smoked one of these. Fucking pass that thing over here, my man. Daryl passes the joint over. I feel the real reason Henry does not

like Glenn is because Henry used to get high on the reg in the Forgotten Realms realms and he gave that life up oh my god he reminds him of your past life reminds him of my past life as a stoner hippie burnout in the forgotten realms and my lost 20s palling around the forgotten realms with my boyfriend goosey oak smoking weed and getting into adventures we fast forward we've wrapped him up into a blood can we roll for that you have to roll for that he's on a boat and a roll for we rolled for dankness that was the first roll of the game so the three that's together are taking this body and rolling it up into a big piece of average of your three with a

bunch of like banana leaves and stuff it's gonna be the mathematical average light of hand everybody's rolling the slide of hand we're gonna average it out fuck i got three i'm a friend of mine who refers to blunts as wizard scrolls yeah he's like i'm rolling scrolls right now lauren's favorite uh euphemism is jazz cabbage oh my god i love it henry sees the dismal state of these roles and he's like guys fuck it and i grab that all or nothing coin oh that's That's great. And I flip the coin. I actually kind of hope that Glenn just is really shidly wrapped on the boat. Shidly wrapped. So Henry rules a natural 20.

So it's a 3 and a 6 and a 20 averaged out. So that's a 10. That's a solidly mediocre. Oh, wait. Peyton didn't help. Peyton could have tried. Yeah, Peyton. Peyton, get in here, man.

Frank is like, let me show you boys how to wrap a cigar. Frank's like, I had a life you didn't help. Peyton could have tried. Yeah, Peyton. Peyton, get in here, man. Frank is like, let me show you. Frank is our rep cigar. Frank's like, I had a life you didn't know about before I had you. Do you want me to try the all or nothing coin as well as Frank? Yeah, sure. Do it. All right, here we go. It's whether or not it's Frank or Peyton, essentially.

You got a one. Which cancels out Henry's role. Which cancels out that natural sweating. Oh, my God. He goes, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Walter, get over here. You got a one.

Is this getting worse? All right, we got a sign. I made a word. I'm so sorry. Nick Jr., you should be able to tuck in your dad. Hey, Nick Jr., give me your little rat boy. Nick Jr. looks around like, what the fuck is going on?

Nick Jr.'s also a rat. Anyway, Nick Jr. goes up and pokes at the blunt and then just looks around like, what the fuck is going on? This year is also a rat. Anyway, he kind of goes up and like pokes at the blunt and then just kind of like looks around like, what? I don't understand. I can't speak with animals. What the fuck is going on here?

What are you guys wrapping this guy in leaves for my dad? Nick, we need your. He's dead. Well, I know that.

I'm sorry, man. Rats have an understanding of life and death. Wow. I didn't know that. That's fascinating. As we know from the film Ratatouille.

Nick, we're really turfing on this blunt roll. You've seen Glenn roll tons of doobies. Do you think you could give us one last roll? Yeah. One last roll for this little rat buddy? Maybe you're like the rat version of Remy, but your thing is rolling righteous doobs. Get in my hair and roll this doobie for me.

Yes, okay, yes, yes, yes. One more try. Pilot Ron. Sort of, yes, yes. One more try. Pilot Ron. This is sort of a reverse, reverse Ratatouille. Reverse, reverse Ratatouille. Show Ron how to do it. Okay, and then Nick Jr. scrambles up Ron's, well, Ron has like what,

three strands of hair up there? Yeah. Like Homer? Forward, backward, left, right. Yeah. Of course the Pacific Rim theme starts playing. She got the 20. She got the 20.

So that's a one, a a five so it's a five so it's worse than it was you can tell we tried to wrap him into it looks like something nobody would smoke it looks yes it looks like a blunt but it would not smoke like a blind all right guys you remember puff puff pass that means you eat two puffy Cheetos and then you throw them. You pass. Aaron just tried and she got a 20. This is desecrating a body. Like it's desecrating large pieces of paper. It's like I didn't quite get him. And he got trees. Am I right?

Trees. It's like a thing. I don't know how to be earnest. And this is my best attempt. So shut up while I do it. I'm sorry. I don't know how to be earnest and this is my best attempt, so shut up while I do it. Oh, sorry. I don't like him. He let me die, but he did not deserve to die in the way that he died,

but also I still didn't like him even if he came back right now. I don't know. I can't do that well, but that was the best thing. That was a wonderful eulogy. Roll, roll, roll, roll, roll. So she undoes both of the nat ones, so you're back up to like 10. Daryl looks at the other dads and wants to push his boat out to sea. Henry gives a nod. He holds up a custom- made football out of trees.

And it's just a big piece of wood. Sure. It's just a bunch of wood. Henry, light up that joint. All right. Henry lights up the joint. And then I hold out the football. And I light the fuse.

And then Daryl using his band, his ring that lets him throw perfect spirals. Great. Throws the football to the boat. As it sails in the air, you just get like a montage of all the greatest Glenn moments. And it's just shit like Glenn fucking spread-eagling his butthole in a dream. No, no, no, no.

It's just Glenn fucking that singer he met. It's just a non-stop montage of just sexual positions. Is that how all three of us see this? That's what we see when we smoke the G-Heads. The football hits the boat and lights on fire.

Henry says, party on, sweet prince. It takes a hit from the joint and passes it to the other dads. Daryl looks at it and he goes, Glenn, I hope you're ready for the big ride, baby. And he takes a... Ron. And he passes it over to Ron. While you're seeing him

do reverse cowgirling how can I die doing reverse cowgirling Ron takes a a hit off and he's like Glenn I'm inhaling you

buddy Glenn in the flashback like looks around like what did you guys did you hear that what the fuck was that oh

at this point Breathe Me by Sia is also playing it's the, the way that they do like sex scenes in PG 13 movies where the frame is completely empty. And then Glenn comes up in a frame, like,

and then a hand comes into frame and just pulls it back down. The idea that you and your flashback can hear someone say something to you. It's so funny to me. Do you think the kids want some of this? No, absolutely not. Get it together. We got one puff, man.

Marcus Barrett like, I heard weed was being distributed. Just saying, we'd all love to get back home and not do any drugs. We would too. Not the second part of the first part. I think Daryl just has one arm around Grant and one arm around Frank and Peyton and is just watching Glenn drift out to sea on fire.

We don't got a DJ for the Fyre Festival, but we've established that that's kind of like the real fire festival. But Doug, buddy. Yeah. I think it's gotta be you. You are absolute rock star as an intern. And in real life, maybe we are going to need someone to get that crowd pumped so that I can

turn the crowd into rampaging beast to take down that wall. Without Glenn, we're going to need someone else to do it. Maybe it's time, boys, that we gave this intern a promotion. A promotion. A light opens up from the heavens and finds Doug standing on the beach. Now, we don't have a lot

of benefits. Yeah, we don't have any benefits. It's going to be part-time. It's only a salary still. We don't really have any. We're paying Doug. We are paying Douglas money. These are promotion. This is... No, you're right. I literally just grabbed a gold bag I have of like a hundred gold

and I just handed it to Doug. I guess this is a salary. He goes, I knew killing those people would be worth it in the end. Yeah, when you killed it with them, right? That's what he said. Yeah, that's what I meant. Or did I? No, I know you're a murderer, Doug, but in this world, it seems like,

I mean, again, I'm trying to be more tolerant, right, Henry? It seems like in this world, murder's pretty cool. That's not really what tolerance is about. There's actually a whole thing about the paradox of intolerance that is- Oh, don't say paradox. It's like the coexist bumper sticker holding a gun. All I know is I wouldn't hire you in our world,

but in this world, you seem relatively better than a lot of the people we've met. I appreciate that. Yeah, so you're promoted. We still need you to get us coffee and stuff. Yeah, obviously. We're just adding responsibilities. Okay.

I mean, that sounds like a promotion to me. Yeah. ABG, always be grinding. So yeah, no. That's right. If you need me to Yeah. ABG, always be grinding. So yeah, no. That's right. If you need me to hype people up, there is no one. The way you spell hype in this world is D-O-U-G. I'm going to get them bumping.

I have real full confidence in Doug's ability to do this. Okay. Oh, it spells Doug. Yeah. That's why you're the boss. Okay, so here's the plan. Okay. Doug gets that crowd fully bumping like again hopefully sweet matilda's built up hype to get more of the army siphoned away

yeah while that's all going on i think we need to take out those towers those towers yeah now mom yes you like me as a druid know the spell move earth right this is the spell i used back to win another little battle we fought against the Hotties. So here's what I'm thinking. We use Move Earth to burrow a tunnel down to the base of all four of those pillars. We set explosives, right? We get that all ready to go. We get our team out of there. We light the fuse. And then meanwhile, Doug is building, I don't know, Glenn's weed has really got me thinking on Glenn's level a little bit. You know, and I think what you do is we get Doug to build that beat up.

He's just getting them pumped and pumped and pumped. Yeah, it keeps going up and up and up. It keeps going up and up, and people are wondering, when is the drop going to happen? When is the drop? When's the drop going to happen? And then right when those towers go off, the drop happens. We tell them there's no food, and the food's over there behind that wall and i cast beast shapes on everybody okay and we sent in a giant army of rampaging elephants to knock that

wall down and we've got all the oakvale druids casting spells to keep them protected they're riding the animals they're leading the charge we get through the wall and then we go after our dads okay i think we gotta do this together we're gonna live or die as a group here and i think we gotta do a midnight raid we gotta dig these tunnels and we gotta put explosives down there and they'll be rigged to blow when we need them to blow tomorrow okay henry what football okay you you became that that animal that dug what you you were you were slow down doug is like, what? I became that animal that dug. You were an animal that dug in the ground. Yeah, man.

I just said I'm going to use Move Earth to cap. Oh, Move Earth. I'm going to become the wombat. What was the animal that you became? Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah, you were a wombat. Yeah, because that's like not much.

You just do that. Maybe you can turn a bunch of people into wombats. And we all just dig. Oh, yeah. We can do it all tonight. Yes. Wait. Okay.

So I can turn us all into wombats. Yes. This is like Spartan where it's like, you want to prove you didn't fuck me? We're saving her now. Yeah. We'll all turn into wombats. We'll get a good like, you know, like a pale chain when you're putting out a fire. We'll get like the kids and everybody else that can help.

Walter will rig together explosives. We'll pass the explosives down the line. As we're digging the holes, they'll bring them in, and we'll start laying all these explosives together. Okay, that means I am going to have to break my anchor tonight so that I can unlock my inner ability. I can turn myself into a wombat, no problem. But to turn other people into wombats, that's a whole other level of magic.

Okay, give me that bowl of overnight oats. Somewhere in the celestial plane, the god of weed leans back and smiles, being like, this is why people smoke weed. Yeah, I like that you smoked weed and had a really good idea that seemingly came out of nowhere. That's fucking great. The overnight oats, you feel magic energy radiating from them, just barely held back

by the seal that the Omega Daddies put on this thing. Is there anything I got to do with this? Do I eat them? Do I- Oh, God, I wouldn't do that. They've been around for a while. I don't know if I should eat them. Find out. Let me tell you a little secret about overnight

oaks, which is what this is. Most people think that you need to let the oats soak over one night to activate their full power, but overnight oaks, you soak them for months. I'm serious. This is a real thing.

For room temperature? There's a lot of really good bacteria in there that cultivate, and they need to cultivate over time. People get upset about moldy jam, but it's part of the process, and you scrape it off, so this is still good. That's what I'm saying. It's still good oats. You're just going to scrape some of the mold off.

You guys were really judging me when I said plenty of water saying you know it's still good oats you're just gonna scrape some of the mold off um and you guys really judging me when i think plenty water and terry jr's instant oatmeal and this is what it's come to i think if henry eats it which is great he should roll to see if he gets stomach problems for tomorrow yes you have to roll a constitution save do you want some no no they look i mean scrape the mold off the top and i scoop my spoon in and i take a big old bite of my overnight oats make a constitution saving throw that's also only a little bit of the jar i mean henry you gotta destroy the whole anchor all right so you do that and you sense there's still some latent magic in that mold all right everybody look away daryl's staring

straight at Henry. He's like, I'm watching this. Yeah, you see a bunch of people not turning around, including your children. I scoop the mold up from the ground and with trembling hand, I close my eyes and I say,

just a big old spoonful of couscous. Just a big old spoonful of couscous. And I shove it in my mouth and I swallow. Oh my God. Constitution saving throw, please. Oh, plus two is my constitution. I got a 16.

Okay, cool. So hardened by the decades of horrible, but also like actually kind of healthy for you bacteria and shit and free range organic. You merely adopted the boot. I was born to it. Yeah, Henry's bacteria is so powerful. Henry's pristine body

never been defiled by vaccines or any modern medicine. So I think we cut to the inside of Henry's stomach and like the oats and the mold come in like and then all of a sudden his like bacteria's like, fuck you! And they all just start beating the shit out of the oats immediately. The mold, they look like those mucinex

things, you know what I mean? The two mucinex dum-dums go down there. Oh no. Yeah, and they get just like group murdered by your bug. You walked into the wrong microbiome. Yeah, so you will be tummy pain free for the coming five years. And more importantly, you feel a surge of all of the emotions that your children have for you and that you have for your children. The hatred of Lark, but also behind it, the undying love of Sparrow and the love that he has for the world because of how you influenced him and changed him. The love from your wife,

Mercedes O. Garcia, and the joy that you managed to bring these chaotic, horrible, wonderful demon children into the world. And your daddy magic finally manifests in you. And you can choose either any item from a canon D&nd source or any spell from a canon dnd source so long as neither involves the wish spell can appear to you right now right in this moment in your hands as this is happening henry blasts into the air and you like those sailor moon magical girl transformations all of his clothes shoot off and he's bathed in tasteful white light and he pirouettes around like no andin's bear are like, no! And they look away. You see all these items come in. You see these Birkenstocks fly in

and latch onto his feet. Oh my God. And then these hiking shorts slide up, and then the bottom part of the pants zip off and fall down. Oh my God. And basically it's this whole thing, and then you realize that

none of his clothes have changed. It's the exact same outfit he was wearing 10 seconds ago. And he lands on the ground. He's somehow smellier. Like the clothes all got dirtier in that process instead of cleaner. And he says, guys, I know how to turn you into wombats. Yes.

Peams shoot out of his hands. And everyone that we're bringing on the adventure with us turns into adorable wombats. Are we taking off to do it? Yeah, we're going to go dig these tunnels. How are we going to do that? Okay, so the way that group checks work for D&nd is that everyone involved is going to roll the same check and if half or more of you succeed it succeeds if half or more of you fail it fails so i think the idea should be that all the adults that are willing turn into wombats to dig these tunnels i think walter is like the

liaison between that because he's driving the mech and we have the kids on something safe like putting the explosives in. The kids are essentially making explosive parables. They're putting fuses into explosives, high explosives. I feel like Walter

would be smart enough to not add the detonator until after they've done all the assembling part and then he'll add the dangerous part at the very end. Yes, and then Walter

will bring us the explosives in his like, because he's got the big mech that can transport stuff. All right, so we'll say Henry's in front tunneling with Move Earth and you guys are like,

wombats can dig almost 100 feet long, 11 and a half feet underground. That's how good they are at burrowing. And those are little ones. I like to think that the Ronbat is huge. Ronbat. I guess while we're doing this, we'll say Autumn is creating the doppelgangers.

Yes. Okay, Autumn's creating the doppelgangers. You three are tunneling in. So what that means is that two of you are going to have to pass stealth checks to not get noticed as you're digging in here or you're gonna have to do something that's gonna somehow draw attention away from what you're doing so you get fireworks or something okay so that's good so the three of us are one i'm just gonna roll sell oh well that's good for you uh beth because you got a lot of stealth but i think henry and i are not super stealthy you sent doug to start testing the

sound systems oh that's not a bad idea. Yeah. We sent Doug to do a sound check. Okay. Okay. And then we have all of the trees in the area of the battle, like stomping on the ground to kind of shake the ground a little bit. Stomping to the beat.

Stomping to the beat. Okay. Just yelling at each other. Wouldn't that be fucking wild? Just hot trees, just yelling at each other in the forest. Yo, what are you doing? Or do they even make that noise? Do they just make the sound

of like creaking wood like the Green Knight? I think they use English and yell at each other. And I think because they're hot, they're like Jersey Shore trying to intimidate you. I knew you were about to go to that.

It's the season finale of One Tree Hill going on. Oh my God. Sensational teen tree drama. You want to go, bro? Let's take this outside, huh? We're outside, we're trees. Doug goes into the sound system

that Walter has helped him build along with some help from the kids. And he speaks into the mic, which is again a goblin with his hands cuffed up. He goes, check, check, check one, two. Let's do some beats. And he takes out two silver shields

and places them on barrels and then puts like needles, really sharp like needles on the ends of the shields and then starts on barrels and then puts like needles, really sharp like needles on the ends of the shields and then starts like scream scream and it's horrible. It just sounds like metal. It just sounds like metal scream metal. It does not sound like music. He's like if you're down to party, let me hear you say yeah

and Largus Bear like yeah and no one else is. He's like scream scream scream but it's making a lot of noise and the trees are bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum, bum, bum, bum. Ah! Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Fucking love being a tree! Oh, the trees should be screaming because we have to change

Fire Festival to happen tomorrow night. Yeah. So they're screaming the new date. Oh, okay, yeah. They're saying, the party's tomorrow night! Yeah. 8 p.m.

Spread the word! Yeah, yeah, you hear it echoing at a distance from one forest to another forest to another forest. We cut to, it's like the pyre in Return of the King. Yeah, I was about the pyre and return is we see a tree run up and light a magic gem that shoots an orange square into the sky and then you see a distant mountaintop another orange square shoot up they're like trees going live on the forgotten realms instagram or whatever like yo how many times do you see it

where a concert gets moved up instead of away you've've almost never seen it. Yo, this is going to be so lit. I feel like there's like a distant island of a loose town that like nobody's allowed to party anymore. And they're like, there's no party happening until that pyre that hasn't been lit for a hundred years lights up. And the kid's like, man, this town sucks. And then the pyre lights up. And Ja Rule on a jet ski goes by. You hear like in the wind a voice going, you wished you may, you wished you might, and now the party is happening tomorrow night.

Yes. Okay, so now we're wombats and we're gonna dig the tunnels underneath. Okay, so now you get advantage on your stealth check. So all three of you are going to make stealth checks, and if two of you pass, you will pass unnoticed. If two of you fail, you will be noticed. Alright, Ron first. I get advantage

though? Yes, you get to roll twice. All right. All of you get to roll twice. I got 11 plus 11. 22? 22. That'll be a pass. What's your stealth plus?

Not great. Mine's plus one. That's an 11. 15 plus one, 16? A 16 is not going to do it. Oh, I'm sorry, guys. A little loud as a wombat. Oh, I got a fuck.

Wait, I have inspiration. Yeah, you do. All right. I got a 19. All right, great. And you bring your inspiration. What is the dramatic like? This is like wombat.

He's a wombat hand over wombat Daryl's mouth. Yes. A guard is about to notice Daryl and then like Ron and Henry wombat, like pull him into the earth and then just smother. Oh, my God. Oh, the guard. I thought you meant Daryl and then like Ron and Henry Wombat like pull him into the earth and then just smother him to death. Oh my god. The guard. I thought you meant Daryl. I thought you meant Daryl. You just killed Daryl. We killed Daryl.

I'm sorry old friend. Holy shit. It's like the end of MASH. Yeah exactly. It's the fucking MASH thing. Wombat doesn't give a fuck. He'll kill a guard. Okay so you have managed to dig a pretty good size tunnel. Did you just walk to the castle? No. So the idea of the tunnel is that we essentially dug like a hundred feet straight line to the

circle. Okay. And then dug a circle around each of the towers. Okay. So I'm going to say that we're going to have to do this twice because that's a lot of digging. Okay. So I think the first check that we just did was you successfully made a hundred foot tunnel that goes to the castle. Okay.

And now we got to dig the circle. And you still have advantage. The concert is still going on. But you see and hear above you people climbing over the big stone wall. You hear the voice of David Boreanaz going, what the fuck is that racket? Fuck. Come here. We're going.

Hey, we're going to whoever's making that racket. I'm going to fucking I'm going to gut him like a fish. Come on, guys. And you hear the trump of boots heading toward the sound check. OK, yeah, we got to go. We got to go. What's the check? So now that you're close, but there's less people, but there's less people.

There are less people. But now even Boreanaz and those guys leaving have everybody a little bit more alert. So be 17. OK, you got to get 17 or higher. This is all roll. OK, ready for our first one. I got 12. I'm going to need that advantage as well. Okay, ready? For our first one. Okay, gonna need that advantage. I got 12. I'm gonna need that advantage as well. Oh no!

I got 18. I got a 19. You got him! Because I got an 8. Oh shit. So then what happened was Henry made a little squeaky noise and another guard was like hey, what happened to that one? And then Ron and Daryl pull the guard down and smother him.

And we kill him, yeah. I feel like we each are holding a corpse in our wombat little pouch. How big are wombats, do you think? Daryl chews off a head and puts the head in his pouch. Hell yeah. Because I want trophies. Daryl's still high. Daryl's still high.

He's got the munchies. So you dig a circular tunnel, the circumference of which intersects with all four crystal towers. Yes. And while you're down there, you can sense, underground, that that dome of anti-magic still goes underground. So you could burrow in, but then you would turn back human or whatever. Yes. What do we want to do about David

Boreanaz? He's coming for the concert. Should we try to recruit him to our side? David? Yeah. Like, I mean, it seems like you're already on a first-name basis. Boreanaz he's coming for the concert should we try to recruit him to our side David yeah like I mean it seems like you're already on a first-name basis what if we could turn the tables here how we burrow under him and pull him down underground and then we chat to him we chat to him we talk to him but he's gonna be with people guys yeah we're gonna we can make it we'll make a sinkhole you want to make a sinkhole underneath him yeah let's go find him let's go chase after him if we could capture David Boreanaz and his whole army

in a giant sinkhole, that'd be pretty cool. That's a big sinkhole. How many of you are with Boreanaz? Okay, let me check. I figured it was like him and like two guards. I mean, we can't, I don't think we can pass up a chunk of the army wandering off in the middle. That's fair. That's a bad strategy on their part, to be fair. Ten blue coats. Ten blue coats.

You guys feeling lucky? So what I'll say is if you want to do this, it is pretty intentional to try to dig a sinkhole so you'll have to make unadvantaged stealth rolls because you're also going to be doing it in front of them

and they're going to be heading toward that direction and they potentially could see you. Are they running? Can we catch them even? They're walking. I don't think they need to run because it's just irritating.

We don't have to burrow to them. We can move above land just as cuddly little wombats. So the three wombats come out of the ground and we start galloping across the plains. Womb yes wombats by the way 25 miles an hour on the ground yeah we're fucking one threatened but they are very fast threatened right now yeah you're threatened on doug's behalf and i'm also they can maintain they can maintain it for a minute and a

half at 25 miles an hour that's great we essentially just need like a simple maze of trees that like guides them to a single coldest. Oh, that's great. Yes. Henry grabs a leaf. I radio into Aaron. I say, Aaron, David Boreanaz and his blue coats are heading towards the fire festival. I need you to create a maze with your trees around

the blue coats of maze create and sorry, something in my my vocal cords. We're going to dig a hole to trap them in it and then we can knock them out of the fight or even better, convince them to join our side. Alright, shit. Alright, alright. I'll use my tree call. And she goes,

Trees! Operation Lost Woods! And they, um, the trees outside of your little base immediately, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, and they start forming a maze. I'll have her roll something for that. I was going to give her basically a nature check on that.

And she rolled 15 naturally. They have trained for the lost wood scenario a few times. So very quickly, the trees managed to arrange themselves. And you can hear in the distance. Borealis is like, oh, what the fuck? Oh, what? This forest was not here. And they're stomping.

I fucking hate trees. Fuck this. And he takes out a Molotov cocktail and he lights it with a match i cast darkness okay what does that do um magical darkness spreads from a point you choose within range to fill a 15 foot radius sphere for the duration so he cannot see what he's throwing that's great um so so normal forms of like light have no effect in there. Yeah. So yeah, he's holding this Molotov cocktail and he can feel the heat from it.

And all of a sudden you cast darkness and he still feels the heat from it, but he's fucking the bullet farmer from Mad Max. He's like, put it closer. Like he can't see any fire or anything. And he's like confused. Oh, what the fuck?

We're getting ambushed, ambush, ambush positions. And everybody goes back to back swords out. Oh, even better because now they're in one spot so I think

we just start we dig a hole we just start digging underneath them like a little whirlwind like underneath them in the ground we're just digging

all right everybody make a I guess a dexterity roll I don't think it's about being silent here it's about oh no no no absolutely not

how fast can we dig it's not about being silent it's about being deadly all right Beth you get advantage for that nice or uh inspiration rather you can spend whatever you want don't need it i got fucking 16 plus what's my dex so my dex roll is going to be 16 plus 1 so i also have 16 plus 1 that's good because we're going loud we're going weapons hot yeah i'm gonna just wombat's hot uh i'm gonna cast move earth as a spell as opposed to trying to dig with my wombat's natural ability so you're gonna turn human yeah we'll say that that's the trade that's incredible so like henry's like

standing in the middle of this like burrow like holding his arms out like a druid you guys are going deep right like you guys are digging underneath so they're all in the middle and then they're like, where are they? Where are they? And then Henry shoots up from beneath the ground and goes, here. In the middle of their race. And then the ground collapses beneath you. Yes.

And then the ground. So you guys collapse the ground. And here's what I want to do. Which just happens, by the way, because they succeeded in their roles. So just go ahead. So they fall. And then I'm going to use move earth. I'm going to bury them alive.

Hell yes. So like a trap them in an underground cavern is what I want to do. So I want to basically create like a wall on the ground above them. You basically want to like encase them in a cave of dirt. Yeah. They're like an underground cave now. Okay. A vampire's coffin, if you will.

Daryl snarls his little wombat teeth and wants to intimidate them right when they land. Okay, cool. So yeah, so they land. That happens. But now you were all in this cave with them. Henry cast it. And I want to do like he cast it right beneath him. So I land on top.

Go ahead and roll intimidation. I was hoping for a bad roll because it has been cute. But I got 16 plus four. So it's 20. So what do you do? Well, they have rodent like front teeth and powerful claws. I started nibbling at David Borganis' feet. I go, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

And he starts kicking up his feet and stuff and panicking. And it worked. They are scared. All right. So as that's going on, there's a little hole in the top of the thing. And Henry leans in and he says, I know what you're thinking. Did this crunchy, munchy, hippie nature drew a dad fart before now? After he had his meal? Or is he about to fart right now given all the confusion

i've kind of lost track myself but i can tell you the last thing i ate was six month old overnight oats with the mold which would make my fart the most powerful fart you've ever smelled and so i got one question for you do you want to smell that shit right now or do you want to join our side okay so you roll intimidation with advantage because they are already intimidated from the wombats do you like stick your butt in the hole yeah like you just see a jay james talking with your ass yeah i'd like to ask you a question damn it oh i get advantage yeah you got advantage i got a seven so david borianis looks up into your asshole and says finally he says you think you think there's anything your colon can do

to me that willie won't do a hundred times worse you all fucked me so bad all we had to do was make sure that the lord of chaos spilled the blood of the unsung hero and then the doodler would have saved everything, but instead you came in and you fucked it up. So no, I ain't joining your side. You fucked my whole religion up and all that shit, so no. And he shakes his sword out

and he tries to stab upward at your exposed asshole. That's too bad, David, because this whole time you've been talking, I've been farting. One of the blue coats goes and turns on his IR goggles he's like sir the room

the room is filling with like World War 1 mustard gas he just gets the claw on his own fucking face oh my god I spark up a match whoa we're in here

the Wombats are still in there just so you know Henry's fucking crazy we makes Henry crazy I spark up a match. Whoa! We're in here. The Wombats are still in there, just so you know. Henry's fucking crazy. We makes Henry crazy. How do you think he had all those adventures? Henry's like Mariner in a wet water world. I told you guys I don't like smoking weed because it does shit to me. And so I've got the match and I go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Last chance, David. Last chance to turn tail and run or you're getting blown out the asshole of the earth right now, buddy. All right. I'm really hoping that Daryl and Ron are going to fucking get out of there. Is it going to blow up? Oh, yeah. It's a daddy magic fart. Oh, God.

Yeah, so you will make, it's not going to be advantage or disadvantage. It's going to be a straight intimidation roll. This is your last chance with these guys. I got a 12. Okay, 12 is not going to do it. I just go now assuming that ron and daryl are gonna do something i'm just burrowing as fast as i can and then it feels like it's gonna be like the rock scene with like the explosives yeah the underground in the underground and the fire comes around you dive into the water what are you rolling to escape oh yeah yeah go ahead and give me a uh acrobatics or athletics or dexterity one of those ron and

daryl are just like super burrowing out a tunnel that's only wombat size so they couldn't climb through it. Well, I like the idea that Henry's up there and he's saying it's like, have your men change to our side.

I cannot give that order. I will not give that order. Stand down. David Boreanaz, we've spilled the same blood in the same mud. I have a superior You're down there

and we're up here. Exactly. My ass is up here. So I got 25. So Daryl's just burrowing so fast straight to the surface. I rolled a 10. And I mean, like, I guess maybe I could roll survival. No, no, it's good.

You rolled a 10. But I'm burrowing so fast. I see Ron slowing down. And I have the ability to help people with like, well, I'm assuming it'll be like a deck save or something for. OK, so I have to roll again. And if you fail, you'll both get fucked up. OK, that's fine.

OK. The reason I slowed down was to turn to Boreanaz and be like, Spike was hotter. You got him, Ben. You got him on our podcast. You finally got him. He looks back and he goes, I know. So I've essentially burrowed to the surface. Ron didn't quite get there.

So what happens with the explosion? So I dropped the match. OK, so you drop the match. You're burrowing away from it Ron is also trying to burrow away from it but Ron turned around to say one last thing about David Boreanaz and Spike and I burrow down to try to pull Ron out

the match goes down slowly into the fart filled cave and everything goes silent and like the camera fucking tracks down with the fucking matches slow motion yeah exactly exactly and then it hits like this like just subtle green waft of air and then like the camera fucking tracks down with the fucking matches. Slow motion suspects. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And then it hits like this, like just subtle green waft of air.

And then, and the fire spreads across the entire interior of the fart cave. And it follows you down the tunnel that you were trying to burrow away from Ron, but too slow. And it's gaining on you. It's gaining on you. It's getting really close as you try to run away from it.

And you can hear the screams of Boreanaz and his 10 blue coats getting incinerated behind you. By the way, as this is going on, do you remember Die Hard 2 when he ejects from a plane? Yeah. With a weird blue screen. Just like, whoa! All right, Daryl, this would be the moment

where hypothetically you could come in from a 90 degree angle tunnel and try to tackle Ron out of the way. It's called Danger Sense. I figure it's very much, Daryl's would be the moment where hypothetically you could come in from a 90 degree angle like tunnel and try to like yeah what i figured so it's called danger sense i figure it's very much daryl's really got that sense of like when one kid's not on the bus yeah like i'm like i'm like the moment i got there i was like wait a second ron's not on the bus so i quickly turn around i use danger sense so i got advantage on deck saving throws okay great do it 14 14. 19 plus one. Yes! All right. So yeah, in slow motion, as the screams begin to distort with the slow motion. Fucking backdraft shit.

Yeah, it's very backdraft. You burrow in and like tackle Ron to the side just as the fireball begins to overtake Ron. It's like when she saves the dog in Independence Day. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Come back! Come back! Oh, man. So you are alive,

you are safe, and the Bluecoats and Boreanaz are dead. Wow. Hell yeah. I could go on longer and describe how long it takes for the damage to go,

but it would just be them climbing out of the ground and walking around on fire and it would be really sad. Daryl's like, I want that recipe for those overnight oats. I'll have what he's having.

Okay, so they're dead. We probably got a little while before people realized they're not coming back. Although people did just hear a huge explosion go off. Yeah, it sounded loud enough that like somebody

will come to investigate, but they're not gonna immediately know like there was a fight and our guys are dead or whatever. Yeah, even Columbo would have a tough time being like three wombats but they're still gonna be alive and parted was a fight and our guys are dead or whatever yeah even colombo would have a tough time being like three wombats you said that you could use move earth but you were in wombat

my wife was telling me you can only cast spells when you're in your cubicle so tell me how did that happen people are within an unknown period of time going to come to investigate the explosion and you've we gotta put the explosives yeah i feel like we want to put the explosives in now rather than trying to like hope that it happens during the by this. Yeah, I feel like we want to put the explosives in now rather than trying to like hope that it happens during the day. We got the night. I feel like we got to roll these explosives in. Okay, I cast one more move earth over the

incinerated bodies of David Boreanaz and his army as we go. And I say ashes to ashes, bones to bones. He's with the angels now. Got dusted. Sorry, that wasn't as funny but i did want to like you know it was right no it was correct it was the accurate thing to say okay cool and while we were digging and doing all this the kids and walter were making barrels of they were making barrels of explosives walter's got a really nice you know like when they do those like three-pointer competitions in the

nba and there's that big like rack of basketballs he's got those but it's like little like donkey kong barrels of explosives essentially and he's like big rack of basketballs. He's got those, but it's little Donkey Kong barrels of explosives, essentially, and he's ready to start fucking rolling them down this tunnel that you've created. So Daryl, he's like an extra size in Dungeons & Dragons when it comes to carrying things because of the level of barbarian he is. I was like, oh, do we need a vehicle?

But I feel like Daryl can just carry these barrels. So what's the best way to keep Daryl quiet? Well, I have news for you, my friend. You're not going to need to carry them very far because I'm going to cast Transport Via Plants. Ooh, okay. This spell creates a magical link between a larger or larger inanimate plant within range and another plant at any distance on the same plane of existence. Sorry, what?

You must have seen or touched the destination plant at least once before. For the duration, any creature can step into the target plant and exit from the destination plant by using five feet of wood. Oh, yeah, and there's all those adorable little algae and stuff. So you guys remember those little seeds I was planting along the way while we made this tunnel? So here's what I think we should do. We're all going to grab the barrels, we're going to touch a tree, and we're each going to teleport to a plant at each one of the four columns. That's great. Yeah, there's like weeds and roots and stuff. Yeah. The earth is surprisingly full

of microorganisms and plant life form underground. I don't even think I ate a lot of bugs and stuff as we were burrowing. It was disgusting. I think you would do that so quickly they wouldn't even really get a chance to check. So I think that just happens. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. So yes, I cast transport via plants on one of Aaron O'Neill's hot trees,

who's now even sexier. Yeah, just inanimate, so he has to stop moving for it, I guess. He was gyrating, and then he stops gyrating. And then all the dads enter the tree? Yes, we all enter the tree. Yeah, like parts its legs, like fucking, you're going to Narnia. Fucking General Sherman, is that the redwood that is?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yes, a portal opens up in the tree. I'm like, I need you all to think about the pillar you're going to and then you'll show up a little plant that is right next to that pillar and we'll plant these bombs.

All right. Okay, cool. So, yeah, now there are explosives underneath the fucking four towers. Excellent. And the army has ten people down.

Yeah, how do the detonators work? It's up to you. Oh. It's very clear that you rig it to the DJ machine that Doug is using. Oh, yes.

Yeah, that's what we were saying with the drop. Yes. On the drop button is the drop. Yeah, we rigged it to the drop machine that Doug is using. Oh, yes. Yeah, that's what we were saying with the drop. Yes. On the drop button is the drop. Yeah, we rigged it to the drop. Oh, so we're saying Doug because we were originally saying when the things blow up,

it cues Doug to do the drop, but you're saying... No, no, no. The drop is everything. The drop is like... But I think either way, it's Doug is the one who's... Doug can do it

and you can bury the wires so that they're not seen. Okay, great. So you can be stealthy about this until the concert itself. It feels like somebody then rolls after we put all the barrels in. Ron has to run a cable around that circle

and up through the tunnel. Ron, go ahead and give me a stealth. That's a 12 plus 11. Yeah, you're fine. Okay. Nobody heard Ron great. Yeah, nobody heard shit. Ron is quiet as a mouse wombat.

Managed to run a cable through all the explosives. Ron has like a little like cable in his mouth as a mouse wombat. Managed to run a cable through all the explosives. Ron has like a little like cable in his mouth as a little wombat who's like running through the tunnels. It's very cute. It was fucking a little pause. What else is on the checklist? I'm going to get some weapons together.

I would like to make a very cool weapon out of a fishing rod where it's got like a fucking spear in it. And then can also retrieve objects and then also is heavy and I can hit people with it. So the rod part ends with a spear, but also the line is going up to it and stuff like that. So you can fish and at the same time, like stab a thing by just moving it forward. Yeah. Okay, that's cool.

That's fun. Yeah. And it's got like a. And the butt is like pretty heavy. So I can fucking blud yeah yeah okay the butt yeah you got a heavy butt on it big old butt big old butt bigger big old healthy truck the hook on the end is this a hook you imagine doing like like detail work in terms of like i'm gonna get this thing out of a guy's hand or is this like i'm gonna put it in his fucking skull and drag him i'm gonna put it in the skull dragon okay cool so it'll be a sort of like pressure powered hook like a big

hook the size of your hand like a claw that you can shoot out at the end of this fishing rod that also has a spear point to it and a heavy butt and so walter makes that for you and it's exactly specifications he fucking kills it i also want the really sharp knife that stabbed aaron i have two weapon attack okay great daryl was going to make to prep for the battle he's still got the pain didn't axe or whatever yes and that's his main weapon but since he's got this ring that lets him throw perfect spirals before they sent out glenn i remember one of his favorite movies the patriot daryl took the nunchucks and he melted down the chains of the nunchuck and he's making little grenades out of that he's got like a satchel of small explosives that he's made with walter that have the

metal of glenn's nunchucks and they all do this damage to your nuts if you get a natural one or if you had 20 yeah that can i say that's the weapon is like a natural one or a natural 20 counts as a natural 20 what the fuck no you can't say that that's absolutely bizarre but we can say that if you crit on it

or if they fail crit on their saving throw or they fail crit then it annihilates their ball somehow some quirk of the or you roll a d2

a d for every nut oh or hear me out Daryl can wind up by spinning his arm around. And you can still nut yourself? Oh, that's good. If he fucks up, he'll nut himself. That's great.

But they're grenades? No, I just punch myself. You just punch yourself in the ding dong, and then you get disadvantage on the throw. Nice. Because your balls hurt. That's good. So yeah, I also want to be clear.

Your Tebow ring, that allows you to throw it in a perfect spiral and 100 yards, but it doesn't necessarily guarantee it'll go 100% exactly where you want it. So it's not like perfect accuracy. Well, they also still get a chance to dodge it. Yeah, they have a chance. I just want to set that up now.

It's not like a flawless, like, yeah. Yeah, okay. Okay, so I made five. I have five Glenn grenades. That's great. Glenn aids, if you will. While this is going on, Henry is checking in with his mom

about the homunculi. She goes, yeah, I mean, I got them working. And you turn and you see like four guys who look like you're just being like, light, light, where's the light? Where's the light? Where do we go? Mom, I don't need them to look like us.

I need them to look like the kids. And here's why. And then I whisper in her ear and go. And she goes, oh. Oh. Oh, having a knowledge that Anthony does not have. It's like, that's a good,

but risky plan. I'll get to work on it. It'll be ready by the show. Small detail. You guys on the beach. I like the idea that Glenn's funeral pyre has like drifted out, but then like the tide kind of brought it around to another part of the coastline, and it just set a

fire way in the distance. And everyone's like, guys, guys! And a bunch of trees go, and they run out and they push it back out to sea, and they're patting down the tree that's on fire. Our grand plan was to bring the Omega Daddies here because the beach makes you old. I just had this vision

of all of Glenn's piss holes washing away in the tide. All these moments will be lost in time like piss on the beach. All the kids, every time they see the little hole, they're like,

oh, it must be the sand crabs because it's kind of because we want these other animals. I'm glad he's dead. The only two things left to do, I think, are for you guys to get that dadgy magic yourself and to break those anchors.

Yeah. All right. Let's just do this. Let's just. All right, Ron. All right. You ready for this, man? And I hand Ron the lure.

Ron takes it and he looks at Terry Jr. And he says, Terry Jr., you know, normally maybe this is something I do with you and it would be a cool bonding experience and stuff like that, but I hope you don't mind. I'm going to do this one on my own. He puts the lure against a pretty solid rock so that it doesn't, you know, it's like it's a solid surface. I'm not going to fuck you on this. Go ahead.

Okay. Yeah, he puts it on the ground and he stomps it and destroys it. And it shatters. And you feel in that moment as it shatters beneath your heel, you can feel the daddy magic crawling up your perfectly hairless legs, up your cool guy boxers,

your massive ding dong, and into your heart. And you feel the affection that Terry Jr. has for you. You feel that you would do anything for Terry Jr. You feel the fear that you have for your father and how Terry doesn't feel any of that towards you, even though he's hated you at times and wanted you dead and all that kind of stuff. He's never been scared of you in the way that you were scared of your own father.

And in that moment, you are infused with a surge of daddy magic. And just like Henry, you can choose an item or a spell from D&D and just have access to it. And you do not have to tell me what it is right now. I've written it down. Beth May has written it down. And then Ron goes to Terry and hugs him. I love you so much, Terry.

I'm so proud of you. And he hugs you back and he says, I'm actually proud of you too. And I love you too. So Daryl stands up cleanly shaved from the classic St of these new grenades. Oh, he's shorn his huge beard. It's like an endgame where you're like, Chris Evans.

He looks so good in Infinity War. Chris, no. The beard was such a good look. Yeah, but the beard is just an extra place to grab onto during battle. You got to be clean and waxed. The beard was so incredible. It was so attractive. I can't believe they waited until that.

Yeah, ridiculous. Okay, well, I don't... Frank, Peyton, Dad, I don't know. How do we break... How does this happen? I don't... Do you want us to give you guys some space? Yeah, I guess.

I mean, no, it's okay. You guys can be here right now. I'm just trying to... Aaron, how does this... I don't know how to break Peyton. I don't know what's going to happen. So Aaron takes a deep breath, and Frank, because he's a man who was born before the 2000s goes i've got this you already said goodbye to me once and i know it'll be really hard to say goodbye to me

a second time you know it's like when we were uh back on earth like i just there's never enough time i'd give anything for more time but i had my time i had more than my time i'm okay going and i know how i'm gonna go out time i'm okay going and i know how i'm gonna go out if i'm gonna go out like this and i'm gonna go out helping you and i think i have an idea as to how um okay i'm sorry just what does that mean exactly what are you so the dimensional witch yeah i learned something from her i can do something kind of neat but my my heart won't be able to take it for very long i think i can maybe take down that dragon for you at least put some hurt on it before i go down but at the

end of it i'm not gonna be able to get back up okay i mean it seems like you're ready um yeah i guess there's just so much i mean i never thought i would have any more time with you um i didn't i i've really had time to think about. I mean, it doesn't really seem like I've had much time now with you. It's just I haven't had a dad to talk to for a while. Before you go, can I just get your advice on something? Of course.

Anything. I mean, you never really had a chance to know Carol very well. And we've been having some marriage issues. And, God, screw the time travel stuff really complicated i mean my wife's dead but not dead she came back to help me anyways they they wrote letters and i've just been um thinking about it can can i just read it and just talk to you for a sec of course um so yeah she said um dare bear well she hasn't called me that in a while actually but that's nice yeah she said i'm sorry i didn't speak up when things were getting hard i'm sorry i was angry i'm sorry i took it out on you i feel my mind going um because they were in this prison

for a long time that's what that that is my emotions and my memories are being ripped away one by one but i'll hold on for as long as i can she's always the strongest and um i will try to remember that i love you i will try to remember that we raised a good son and i will try and i'm sorry it's too late i'm sorry it's not enough i love you so much protect Protect our son, Carol. Um, you know what? There's not really anything to ask about it. I just thought,

I just thought you should know that the woman your son married was such a good woman. And that I'm happy. He pulls you into a hug, tears streaming down his face. And he says, she's, she sounds like a very good woman, but I think she's wrong about one thing it's not too late nothing's guaranteed when it comes to to love and relationships and

all that but i know that you're a fighter i've seen you in this world i've seen what you'll do for your family and i know you you're not gonna let whatever the two of you have together go down without a fight it sounds like carol's a heck of a fighter too and yes if at the end of you have together go down without a fight. It sounds like Carol's a heck of a fighter too. And if at the end of the day, it turns out you're not right for each other, that's not a loss. That's just both of you coming to a realization together. And if it turns out that you can stick it out and you battered each other enough to stick around, Hey, that's great too.

Promise me that no matter what happens, Daryl, you will remember these two things. Number one, you were a great too. Promise me that no matter what happens, Daryl, you will remember these two things. Okay. Number one, you are a great son. And number two, you are a great dad. Thanks, dad. All right. I love you.

I love you too. Now I'm going to go fuck some bitches up. I love you too, Peyton. Love you too, big boy. I'm your son. I'm your dad. All right. I'm going son. I'm your dad. All right. I'm going to go fuck up that dragon.

I give him a hug and I bring Grant in and we hug him. Yeah. Three Wilson boys hug each other. I guess three and a half Wilson boys hug each other in the dark of night. Also, by this point, Doug has stopped DJing. Doug's just like sitting there being like, do I keep going or? I don't know. I think he goes to Doug and he's like, Doug, not right now. I was going or I don't know Doug's like Doug not right now

I was gonna do the drop I was just about to do the drop take a break Doug Peyton Frank goes okay here we go

it's been a pleasure being with you all and now if you excuse me it's fucking Peyton time holy shit that's your actual neck crack how the fuck did you yeah i've been saving it for this moment and payton walks away from you through the forest towards the big stronghold

in the clearing before he walked away he told you something and as you see him in the distance approach this stronghold the words that he was saying it didn't make a whole lot of sense to you at the time but they echo back as you see him approaching this this stronghold in the distance he told you the dimensional witch yeah she knew about the fourth dimension the fifth dimension the sixth all that kind of stuff but i'm a simple man at the end of the day and what really excited me is that she taught me that the the first three dimensions my favorites sometimes those are all you need if you could scale them up right. And you see in the distance, Peyton go, and he grows.

He gets bigger and bigger and he goes, it's your big boy Peyton. Knock, knock Willie, you fuck stick. And he gets to the point where he's about 50 feet tall. Oh my God.

And you hear a pixelated roar in the sky as the two-dimensional dragon swoops down from above and starts breathing fire at kaiju payton essentially and it comes down it sears up a streak of white hot fire across his face and he gets and he falls back onto his back foot. The ground shakes beneath him as he puts down a hand to steady himself. And you hear from inside, catapult, fire! And a massive flaming boulder flies up and over the wall and hits Baden directly above his left eye

and it impacts and waterfalls of blood start pouring down his eye. And he goes, and he reaches up above his eye and grabs the boulder and plucks it out of his fucking head and he puts it between his first and second fingers and he goes the place of peter the bitch and he swings at the dragon as hard as he can i'm gonna roll for him. Kaiju roll. Kaiju. No. No! Anthony's just up and left. He's walking out of the room.

Where's he going? What is happening? He just walked out of the room. He's gone. He just screamed outside. What? He's coming back in. He's still wearing only his swim trunks. No! That's wrong! Oh my god. That's wrong! Oh my God.

That's wrong! Are you fucking kidding me? Oh no. Peyton misses entirely. No, my baby boy! He whiffs so completely that he hits himself in the face

with his own fist and knocks himself onto his back. Does he crush the wall when he knocks the belt? No. Damn it! He falls just back onto the fucking, so now also when you charge,

you're going to have to charge over Payton's body. Oh God! Oh my God! So he falls onto his back and his time is almost up. The dragon gets into his face, breathes fire again. His hair sets on fire and he's patting it. He's like,

ugh, ugh, ugh. With his final action, he's going to try to grab this dragon and crush it. He's going to try. Oh, God. And he got an eight.

You got the most mediocre nothing roll in history. So he grabs the dragon, and he squeezes as hard as he can, and a couple of pixels fly off and and it begins to flash for a second like it's you know because it's got invulnerability but the dragon is a little bit too strong for it and the dragon manages to worm its way out of payton's grasp it looks into payton's eyes and it can see the light draining from them as his big heart is still not strong enough to pump blood to the rest of his body. And so Peyton is fading and the dragon realizes it doesn't need to do anything else.

And so it just begins to fly back up, missing it. Its wings are clipped a little bit, took a little bit of damage, but it heads back into the stronghold. And Peyton, with his last moments of life, turns his head back. You know, he's on his back. So he looks up at you in the direction of the beach and he goes i have a tiger baby and his eyes those eyes of the tiger that he has roll back into his head and payton is no more oh my god and then i probably sense the yes and you feel in that moment as your father passes all of the love that he had for you, everything he did for you as a father, everything you did for him when he was your son,

and the huge strides you made with Grant and how the two of you are talking about things all the time now and your trauma and all that kind of stuff. And everything you've done on this long, long road of being a stay-at-home coach sports dad and how that's changed you and changed the people around you in many ways for the better, infuses you with a massive dose of daddy magic.

And once again, you don't have to tell me what item or what spell. I'm going to use it. So I look at the other dads and I say, he's gone. He died how he lived, getting beat up. Henry's just bawling. He's inconsolable right now. He tried to help. And I think we've lost too much here, everybody.

I think it's time we go home and i get gate the spell gate and i say the words odyssey son and a portal opens up and odyssey son our van comes ripping out of our world and comes flying back in here and sits on the beach in front of us and you you hear, as it sings through the fucking dimensions coming to you. And it lands, the headlights of the Honda Odyssey look around hurriedly. And it's so, it's so happy.

It goes, it's so happy. And it looks around, but then it's, it's headlights furrow in confusion. It goes, which means, none of us understand it.

Nothing. And so you, you get the vibe of what she's saying. I run my hands up on the hood of the car. I go, it's a Glenn's Glenn's gone odyssey. But I think it's time for all of us to make these dads pay. Fuck. Yeah, let's get it. Let's go.

Let's go. Doodlers on three. But not the bad kind of doodler, the doodler that's our mascot. Yes, doodlers on three. Everybody around, gather around. Everybody assemble. That's what they do in that X-Men movie, right?

Yes. Well, they do that in that X-Men movie too. Everybody get over here. So yes, we call the entire team together. 20 Oakvallians, all of your children, Autumn Oak, Aaron O'Neill, all of the trees. I believe that's your army right now. And Walter on a lawnmower.

I think Walter's in the mech now. Yeah, you see a big crab hand come in the middle, and it's Walter on the mech, and we all put our hands in the middle, and I say, Ron, why don't you kick us off? One, two, three, doodlers.

One, two, three, doodlers. Doodlers, I'm here too. Doodlers. It'll be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. All you do is try. It'll be alright. Thanks, everybody who joined our live show last weekend. If you happen to have missed it, you can still see what happened along with our Father's Day live show, as well as just loads of behind-the-scenes podcasts, one-shots, content galore at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. You can support our show directly. You get an ad-free feed. You get merch when you're pledged for three months.

Boy, the hits just keep on coming. If you like this show, I guarantee you, you're going to like our Patreon too. That's patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our merch store, by the way, is going to be down for a little bit as we transition some shipping stuff behind the scenes.

You can keep on top of all of that news at twitter.com slash dungeonsanddads. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. Our next episode is coming at you October 5th. We will see you then. There was a time when you could read between the lines. You know they never brought you down. Never brought you down.

You hear an echo of Glenn's ghost like, do it during the thing because the beats will hide your digging, digging, digging. I don't know. That doesn't sound very smart. I'm just kidding.