Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 68 - I'm Going Home

Episode Date: October 5, 2021

Part one of the two-part finale. The dads execute their plan as the final battle ensues.This episode contains violence, profanity, sexual content, and violence against children.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Jodie Foster is Jimmy Wong (@jfwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCourtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerChad Ellis provides additional editing and sound design and additional voicesRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Ron's conference call. Okay. Please enter your password that is required. Enter your password, please. Shoot, Ron didn't give me a password. What is... Uh, Ron! Oh, hey, Daryl. Hey, Ron.

Wait, what? Ron? Is this Daryl Wilson? Who's this? Hi, Daryl. It's Henry Oak. Oh, yeah. Hey, Henry.

Daryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. Oh, we met. I told you the joke. I don't know if you remember. I hope you know why I called you all here today. Well, yeah, I sent that email out. You said you had a conference call.

We could have just merged the caller. Why did I call you here today? Oh, because we got that soccer game, and we got the carpool, and like I said, I spent all day cleaning up the Odyssey, the Beast, and I think it's all ready to go. Seatbelts are good, and the snacks are packed. Honestly, you don't need to bring anything. I got it all covered.

That's great, because actually, I had a couple of... Boys, let's just put that down. Just put it somewhere else if you don't... So what's this about again? So, Ron, we're taking the boys up to the soccer meet, as you know, and so just wanted to coordinate. I had a specific request. Is it okay if we, you know, I don't know what kind of snacks you guys are planning on bringing,

but my boys are vegan and low sugar. And if they see anything with meat or sugar in it, they're going to just, they're going to make a whole stink about it. Have you heard of soccer? Oh. Hey, this is Bob holding for Glenn Close. Oh, Glenn. Hold for Glenn Close. Hey, everybody.

I'm sorry I'm late uh for this thing um yeah it's a carpool all right you responded to the email just lol yeah i didn't think you were coming in the carpool yeah are you coming with us i mean don't get me wrong you know we were yeah yeah yeah like um uh long story short i can't drive so like if nick's gonna show up to this uh tournament tomorrow uh we're gonna need to hitch a ride. I guess we could also just hitch a ride, but it might be easier for people. We put you on BCC because actually, all right, this is kind of awkward, but we have another dad already. It's kind of a full car.

I don't think we're going to have room for you. Oh, what? Rupert is coming. Rupert? I don't think he's on the line yet. No, yeah, I've been here the whole time. Hey, Rupert Gunderson. Hey, Rupert. It's good to hear from you all line yet. No, yeah, I've been here the whole time. Hey. Oh, hey, Rupert. Hey, Rupert Gunderson.

Hey, Rupert. Good to hear from y'all, fellas. Sorry, I was just getting the generator loaded up. Very excited for this trip. Wait, where are you loading your generator? Oh, just in the back of the RV. Plenty of room for everybody. Wait, what?

Oh, yeah, the RV, you know. But we said, no, we're using the Odyssey. Like, I'm Coach Daryl here. I'm driving everybody. Well, yeah, you said we got a bunch of kids. We got beds set up, got enough, you know, food and snacks for a while, whole cooking set in the back, full generator loaded up, you know, just for simplicity's sake. I don't know if we're going to need a generator.

I mean, we're only going to be gone for a day. You know, that – Oh, you never know what could happen out in the, you know – you've seen this route you're taking? Yeah. Yeah, I planned it. Yeah, we planned it for several geological stops and points of scenic interest. I don't like your attitude, Rupert.

You think you're just a great guy because you got a big RV and you knew that your son was going to play soccer. And, oh, I know how to drive and get there. Oh, shoot, Rupert. I think Glenn's taking your spot. I already got my van. The Beast is really good to go. I don't think we need an RV. I got it all prepared, you know.

It's kind of my thing. Rupert, I was here first. Oh, okay. Yeah, no problem, no problem. Okay, bye. Great talking to you. We'll see you up there. You know, this is going to be a fun little short trip with no complications,

so we're going to have a really good time. Absolutely. Go doodlers. Yeah, go doodlers. God, get a load of that guy, am I right? Yeah, Rupert sounds like a real fucking square, if you'll excuse my language. Hey, fellas, I didn't want to interrupt and be impolite, just mean... Oh.

Oh, I just gotta let you know, no hard feelings. I know, uh, logistics can be complicated. You've reached the end of Ron's business call line. I can't tell if that's just Mr. Stampler speaking, or... This line will self-destruct in five seconds. Oh, jeez. Five, four, three, two, one. I'll see you guys tomorrow, Rupert.

See you at 7.30. See you at Sharp. Go, Rupert. Hello, and welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. I know what you're thinking. It's not a BDSM podcast. It's a D&D podcast. What's D&D?

I don't know. I'm a girl. But you know what? This is a podcast. You know what this is a podcast? You know what this is? It's a podcast for one thing. Check.

And then two, it's a podcast about four dads from our world who flung into a world of high fantasy and magic on a quest to rescue their lost sons. Do we lose a dad along the way? Yeah, we sure did. Did you also lose that same dad's kid? Yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Mistakes were made.

But here we are in the end game. If you were an MLB batter and you had an average of every three out of four hits you made, that's you're great. You're one of the greatest of all time. So you're the best dads in the Hall of Fame of dads. Well, Dad, Freddie, you want to introduce yourself? Yeah, my name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the formerly rock and roll bard, dj of the group what's his dead fact yeah what's hell like you shithead here's glenn's

dead fact the last thing he thought as he was dying was mostly i'd like to think that he's saying you know like oh wow it's like the moments in his life or whatever and his regrets that flashed before your eyes but like nah you're like like your heart exploded and stuff so it's mostly just sitting there being like oh ah that hurts wish that hadn't happened hey everybody this is matthew arnold i play daryl wilson a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this magical world of danger and dragons and dead dad friends last seven deadly sin fact for daryl the final one the final one pride the mightiest of all sins though the one the devil himself is uh you know he's got a lot of sins going on but

really the worst thing the devil did this was yeah as beth points out the only one that went before the fall yes pride is right it's good before the fall but just pretty straightforward here i just think ultimately, I think Daryl's hard on himself, but definitely back in episode one when he was in that van, he looked around at the other dads and he thought,

I'm the best dad. These dads and these dads suck. I'm a good ass dad. Oh, that is prideful. And I just think that wasn't fair. Like they're talking about whether or not that's true or not true. I think it's true.

But whether or not it's true or not true is, I mean, is a bad thought. That's interesting. The character arc isn't him reversing his opinion his character is him feeling a little guilty about that opinion i think if you were to ask him i think daryl would sincerely be like i think henry and ron are better dads than me and you know i still got a lot to learn but i'm trying my best but yeah i think that's i think he was he was very proudful i said i've got complicated feelings about glad i think daryl has a lot of respect ever since the courtroom stuff daryl's like glenn went out the right way like glenn tried really hard to be a dad at the end hey everyone i'm will campos i play the birkenstock rock and crunchy munchie hippie nature druid dad comma henry oak my henry

fact this week i think henry thinks he's the worst dad i think henry has a very critical opinion of his dadding skills. And he looks at me like, to be fair, his kids were the only ones who were going to mass sacrifice people to summon an ancient doodler god. But I feel like he's worried about how his kids are growing up. And he looks at Ron's relationship

with Terry Jr. And he looks at Daryl's ability to raise a responsible son, but also open up. I think he's worried that he isn't going to be able to grow in his relationship with his kids the way that the other dads grew in theirs, except for Glenn. I want to change what Glenn was thinking about when he died.

Okay. Okay. He was like, well, I'm going out on top. Best dad. I'm the best dad. Nice. Still not thinking about his son, Nick. What a hero so brave

hi I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler emotionally detached stepfather and rogue fun fact about Ron this week in relation to the other dads and how Ron thinks about himself I think that actually Ron didn't think of himself as a dad at all until pretty recently

so me Beth I have no real way to sort of like connect to this other than, you know, sometimes it's like people are like, when's your birthday? And I'm like, January 10th. And then sometimes people are like, what's your social security number? What's your name? Yeah. And sometimes people are like, oh, you're a Capricorn. Like, yeah, I guess. And then some people are like, you just did a really bitchy thing. And I'm like, oh, I'm a Capricorn. You know, you were ambitious and bitchy. I'm like, oh, now it all connects.

So you feel like he's connected to his fatherhood over the course of the adventure, whereas before it was just something that he only thought of in the abstract. I think, yeah, before it was like, I'm a stepdad. But now it's like, I'm a stepdad. Fuck yeah. Fuck yes. That's great. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad.

So sitting in front of me is, I bought a whiteboard for this very episode. I'm terrified. I mean, it's just for tracking initiative. So I've basically taken red markers and blue markers and written every friendly character or faction and every evil character faction red. You'll notice there is far more red

than there is blue on this board. I don't like that. I don't either. And I basically, while you were all eating lunch and hanging out, I was rolling initiative for all these characters

just so we wouldn't have to do that during the record. And then I was writing down like, you know, approximate HP for them and how many there are per faction, stuff like that. And writing down all those numbers made me so upset.

I had to go and take a nap for an hour and no one could find me. But then they found me and I'm back and I'm ready to finish what we started. Oh, God. So where we last left you, you had put your hands together and said, Go Doodlers, preparing your assault on the stronghold of the Omega Dads, which encircles the portal heading back to Earth. And you were going to do it around sunset, I believe, around the newly bumped up time of the Fyre Festival.

Or by Imran, the farewell tour. Last episode, all three of you broke your anchors and therefore got a big infusion of daddy magic. And as I defined it,

daddy magic allows you to get any single item or spell from all of D&D canon as long as that item or spell does not invoke the use of the wish spell. And I told you

you didn't have to tell me what it was and you could reveal it when it was dramatically appropriate. So I know that you, Daryl, chose gate. I don't know what Ron and Henry have chosen before we launch out into this battle. Daryl, you probably know this.

What's the number one deciding factor in whether you're going to have a great day? Um, that morning poop. Close. The exact opposite. What comes before the morning poop, Daryl?l i mean sometimes the morning pee but sometimes what goes into your heart stop heart stop sometimes sometimes sometimes i do dry poops i focus all of my my key all of my energy sometimes you don't gotta pee sometimes you just poop i mean breakfast is the most important part of the day. I personally usually have an AMBM before I go and have breakfast.

I see. You get that AMBM out. Get some space ready. Before we launch into this battle, I think it's important that we all share one last meal together. And I've got just the thing. One of you will betray me. That'd be some fun and fan art. Just put that out in the universe. So Henry

casts Hero's Feast. About time. Oh, this is a good spell. This is a six level spell. You bring forth a great feast including magnificent food and drink. The feast takes one hour to consume and disappears at the end of that time. Its beneficial effects don't set in until this hour is over. Up to 12

creatures can partake of the feast. A creature that partakes of the feast gains several benefits. The creature is cured of all diseases and poisons, becomes immune to poison and being frightened, and makes all wisdom saving throws with advantage. Wow. That's great. The hit point maximum also increases by 2d10,

and it gains the same number of hit points. These benefits last for 24 hours. You realize that you could make the most expensive pop-up restaurant in the world in the For number of hit points. These benefits last for 24 hours. You realize that you could make the most expensive pop-up restaurant in the world in the Forgotten Realms. It'd be like, hey, you have a little meal. There's exclusive sit-down. You'll be cured of all diseases.

Move over, Cheesecake Factory. Move over. What's this food you're making for us? This is the ultimate vegan feast a la Henry. This is a big moment for, I know it's your moment, but it's definitely a big moment for Daryl too. He's always wanted to do the barbecue. I felt like multiple times on this know it's your moment, but it's definitely a big moment for Daryl too. He's like always wanted to do the

barbecue and he's, I felt like multiple times on this adventure he's tried, but never quite worked. He's watching Henry like pull his like meal together. He's like, you know what? Yeah. You know what? This is Henry's feast. This is fine. Henry can do his BBQ. Kiss the chef today. This is Henry. Oh, all right. Okay. Hey, it'd

be full circle. You did it the first episode. I got seven, three. So I got an extra 10. Thank you. Wait, I'm trying to find the D10. It's ass to ass, but ribbed for her pleasure. Ass to ass, but ribbed for her pleasure.

Yeah, that's canonically the one. It is ass to ass, but ribbed for her pleasure. Oh my God. All right, Henry gets another eight HP. Nice. I get another 14. Nice. I'm 165. What's everybody's HP now? I'm at 143. Nice. I get another 14. Nice. I'm at 165.

What's everybody's HP now? I'm at 143. Nice. It did the math for me. I have 102. So assuming that you're also having the kids and Walter, Autumn, Aaron eat, I did just a simple thing because I did one roll for all of them, and you rolled very well.

They each get an additional 15 HP. Nice. Ooh, this is a great appetizer. Yeah, this is my— Appetizer. This is just a little salad of cucumbers and tomatoes. Every boost we're getting, I'm pairing it. Oh, okay. Great. This is just a little vegetable salad, you know? Oh, right. This quesadilla looks like it has chicken, but you said this is jackfruit?

This is, and then yes, course number two is the jackfruit quesadillas with vegan cheese. I prefer the hors d'oeuvres or whore dads. Whore divorce. Yeah. You are immune to poison and being frightened. Pretty good.

I was always immune to being frightened. Yeah, but thanks for the poison. Finally, we have a little serving of vegan ice cream that tastes just like authentic vanilla ice cream. Hey, I'm immune to poison. Hey, Henry, I would. No, let me try that kombucha of yours that you love so much. Sure, go ahead, my man. I drink it.

Well, here you go. You can have it back. It's not good, but it does not hurt. Thank you. And the vegan ice cream gives them wisdom saving throws. The true benefit of veganism is the wisdom that you get from it. Oh my God. Yeah, so now you have...

So wisdom and smugness are now synonyms, are they? Ah, yes. Also, don't get me angry emails. I'm the only vegan in this room. It's fine. Gosh, this was a delicious meal. That was incredible. Not to toot my own horn, you know?

No, that was great. You're going to be tooting my own horn after having those beans, though, am I right? That's Walter laughing. Every dad also gets one stinky fart they can deploy during the battle after this meal. Okay. I will use this right now. I don't know if I like to say every dad also gets one stinky fart they can deploy during the battle after this meal

okay I'll use this right now I don't know if I like this sorry I'm not used to this vegan cheese it went right through me sorry everybody

cashews it's better for the environment says Sparrow yeah you got one in ya yeah but I think I'm gonna save it for an important occasion okay

and as he says that he farts he goes oh no nice I give him a fist pound he embarrassedly fist pounds you back okay for an important occasion. Okay. And as he says that, he farts and goes, oh no. Nice. I give him a fist pound. He embarrassedly fist pounds you back. Okay, well,

I think it's time to get this show on the road. Is everybody ready? I think so. Autumn and Aaron come to you and Autumn says, all the Oakvallians are already at the venue.

They're ready to go whenever. And Aaron says, yeah, I've got the trees doing security. I put a spell on them that allows them to advantage saving throws on seeing through polymorph in case somebody tries to infiltrate that shouldn't. Oh, I like that. trees doing security. I put a spell on them that allows them to advantage saving throws on seeing through polymorph

in case somebody tries to infiltrate that shouldn't. So, oh, I like that. Yeah. Okay. We're about to ride off into battle. I think we're almost ready to go over at the fire festival.

Have we heard from Doug? How's the crowd looking? So Doug swings by and he goes, it's looking okay. But like a lot of people know that for these, you want to show up a little bit fashionably late.

So I think it'll be pretty exciting pretty soon. But so far I can see the water mice, you know, show up a little bit fashionably late. So I think it'll be pretty exciting pretty soon. But so far, I can see the Water Mice, Nick's old gang, they showed up. Vince is obviously backstage helping out Aaron with any logistics stuff. We and him become pretty tight. Oh, that's cool. The surviving bad dog mercenaries, they're not in much shape to fight, but they came here to sort of give their support. I'm sure some more people showed up.

I'm sure most of them are here to party, Doug, not fight. You didn't tell them they're here to fight, right? No, I didn't tell them. I told them they were here for a good chill time. Okay, cool. Oh, yeah, some more people coming in now. There looks like a weird snake that has no soul. A bunch of people that look like walking bananas.

Oh, are they sexy? Not to me. Well, boys, looks like we're in for a saucy evening. What do you say the full crowd is? Because I'm sure we know. You don't want me to go through individually every person in the crowd and whether or not you know them? Well, okay, tell us everybody that we know.

No, it's fine. It'd be too many people. Yeah, no, there's like 50 people in the crowd right now. That's the whole crowd. We only got 50 people from this fire festival? Doug. I asked as many people as I could. I tried to make it sound sexy and cool.

I mean, more of them might show up once the music starts. Yeah. We just got to get those beats bumping. We're also in kind of a weird spot. Maybe people can't find us, and once they hear the music, they will. These are your most diehard fans, like Hardball Cough Drop, the super hot BDSM expert, Sex Calibur Crosspower, the 25-year-old Danish boy.

A bunch of kids that look like they used to be vampires, really sallow kind of gothy kids that seem like they had come from Rocca Porta. Okay. And then a bunch of people that won't stop having sex with each other because their pit where they used to do that was destroyed. Oh, classic.

Those people are back, okay. They've been looking for a sexy pit, yeah. Well, they will get the party going, I guess. So maybe I should, you know, be the opening act for Doug. And he can take it from there. He could, you know, really do the fire festival. And that way it kind of opens us up to do this thing.

Kids, gather around. It's go time. So kids, you remember we all talked about you're going to be in the van, Lark. You're the best driver out there. You're driving this thing. And remember, you wait till those walls come down. And when those walls come down, you're all driving straight to that portal.

And hopefully we'll be right there at the front of it. And we'll hop on in and we'll all go out together. Grant says, but what if you guys get caught up? Shouldn't we stop and pull you in or come get you? You guys keep going for that portal no matter what. And Terry looks at Ron. Does Ron look like confident in this? I think Ron nods and doesn't necessarily look confident,

but looks like, yes, he believes this. Yes, you should do this. And Terry silently nods back. Sparrow and Lark at the same time, Sparrow's like, but no! And Lark's like, obviously. They don't seem to like the idea of potentially leaving you behind. But Lark's the driver and he certainly seems decided that that's not a bad idea. I want to go say bye to Grant.

Is that okay? Go say bye. I mean, not say bye. I don't want to say bye. But, you know, just talk to Grant. Just talk to him. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay.

So I just take Grant aside really quick. Hey, kiddo, you're probably pretty scared, right? Extremely. Yes, scared. Same, buddy. Very scared. Hey, I'm sorry you didn't have more time with Grandpa, but I'm glad you got to meet him for a little bit. Me too. He was, I mean, I got to spend all that time with Peyton and I really liked Peyton. So it's, yeah, I feel like

I got to spend a lot of quality time with him. Look, there's going to be a lot going on when we get home and no idea what your mom's experiencing right now or what that's going to be like when we get back. But just know that I'm proud of you and I, and I know you're going to do your best and whatever happens, I love you. And I hope we get back but just know that i'm proud of you and i and i know you're gonna do your best and whatever happens i love you and i hope we get through this together i love you and this is gonna sound fucked up the way i say it but i if you didn't have to use the f word right there if i'm not okay what might i i'm sorry i'm sorry you're right if we're gonna die i might as well go out. Yeah. You know, you're having fun, but yeah,

just, just if it lessens your worry at all, I'm pretty good at killing people. So it comes down to that. I'm pretty sure I can, I can keep the van safe. Okay. Well,

you, that worries me a little bit. It sounds creepy. I know. I know. I know. I don't love it. I don't feel great about it.

It makes me, it's hard to sleep sometimes and stuff, but like tonight, today, this is going to be, this is a skill, not a flaw. That's a lot. That's a lot that you just threw out there. I just want you to know that when we get through this and we're going to get through this, whatever help you need and whatever we need to do to help you through this whole shit show, this whole fuck fest, as you kids might say, there's the effort. Your mom and I

will be there to help you through it because I know a lot has happened and I can't even imagine how you're processing it, but I appreciate it. I'm proud of you. And I know, I know you're gonna do your best to get through here. Grant nods and he says, I love you. And we'll talk about it all later. Love you. I hug him. He hugs him. Ron looks for Terry. Terry died. He tripped and fell, hit his head on a rock. died. He tripped and fell, hit his head on a rock.

Oh, my God. You find Terry helping Walter transition himself from the lawnmower into the crab net cockpit. As Sparrow in the distance looks on, tears running down his eyes. He's like, that was to be ours. That was to be ours. Hey, Walter, could I borrow Terry Jr. for a second? Oh, go for it. I'm pretty much finished up here.

I just gotta set myself in. Fasten the seatbelt. Very important, Terry. Just the sounds of like a thousand servos powering up. Yep. Get in the robot, Walter. What I'm saying. Terry goes, yeah, what's up?

What's up? Hey, Terry. He pulls you into a hug before you can even start talking. Hey, Terry. So, you know, all of us dads, we're doing this conversation with our kids about like oh if we don't make it home or whatever i just want to say if something happens to us or whatever don't wait for us you go on and you you get you get back to earth and i don't ever want to think about you losing any other father figures in your life or whatever. I don't want to think about that. And I know you don't

either, I guess, but what I'm saying, what I'm saying, Terry, is that you are so strong, stronger than you ever have to be. And, um, I, I, I wish sometimes I wish that it was your voice that I heard in my head when I was younger instead of my dad. And I didn't know that anybody could love me until I met your mom. And I'm so glad that she shared that love with you and that you've become the man that you are. Because I'm so proud of you. I love you. I don't know what else to say. He hugs you closer and he kisses your tiny little bald head. He says, I love you too, dad.

Yeah, dad. And you're going to beat him because you're a better man than he is. And you're a better man than he is. And you're a better father than he is. And you're probably a better businessman. I don't know. It's just things come in threes. I need to come up with. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I know. But I think you're going to, you're going to, I think you're going to win. Yeah. I don't think you got to be perfect to do good or whatever. Even that thing, even that thing I just said right now wasn't perfect. No, I like that. That's good. I'm going to keep that one in mind. You don't have to be perfect to do good. whatever. Even that thing, even that thing I just said right now wasn't perfect. No, I like that. That's good. I'm going to, I'm going to keep that one in mind. You don't have to be perfect to do good. That's pretty good. Yeah. Mom might actually like that. Yeah.

We're both going to, we're both going to see her again. Yep. It's going to be, it's going to be all right, son. Let's go. Okay. It is a little weird when you call me son. I don't know why. I don't know. Yeah. That felt totally normally, but something about son is a little bit, we'll work on it. It's fine. I mean, it'd be weird if mom called me son too, but I don't know. It's fine. We'll figure it out. Okay. Oh, Hey Terry. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I, to jump back into this, as I was walking away, I thought of something more poignant to say to you. And again, again, not perfect. Yeah. It didn't have to be perfect but i know i know i just wanted the whole thing about being a stepdad is that i know that i can't replace your

real dad and that he is your dad in your heart and your soul and and all that stuff like that and i never met him and uh i think i'm probably hotter than he was, but I just want to say. I truly cannot judge that in any way. I just want you to know that it's an honor to share a kid with him. He would be proud of you too. That's very sweet of you, Ron. Thank you.

That was a little bit better. I'm going to walk away for real now. Henry kneels down next to Larkins Barrow and he says father hey boys obviously we're going into a real scary situation

so I hope it goes without saying that I love you both very much and your mom and I are so proud of you and

even if the worst happens and I don't make it through this just know that I'm always going to be with you and I'm always going to be watching just know that I'm always going to be with you and I'm always going to be watching over you and I'm always going to be from wherever I am or whatever comes next,

I'm going to be looking after my two beautiful boys. And no matter what happens in this world to either one of you, I don't want you to let anyone clip your wings or stop you from soaring. And I look at Sparrow and I say, you're my love,, Sparrow. But today, today's about power. And today, both of you are my power wolves. And I want to see two power wolves

roaring across that field today. And you look to your brother because he is one of the bravest, toughest, boldest kids I know. And Lark, you look after your love wolf. You look after your brother because he is one of the bravest toughest boldest kids i know and lark you look after your love wolf you look after your brother and i know the two of you can get through anything together lark and sparrow look to you and they put a hand on your shoulder and they nod and they look to each other and then they do the dragon ball z fusion dance and then they howl like wolves hell yes and then i howl along with them daryl's like

that kid you know when you like finish a test like 30 minutes early and then if you're just like yeah and then like 10 minutes into it you're like did i finish did i finish this guy's like sitting there watching it he just like looks at grant who's like still in the car he just kind of gives grant's like no we're still good still good we don't have to yeah you don't need to take the test back and check your answers again just go with your first instinct wait seatbelt check everyone's got their seatbelts on you hear a lark ask and then a click but everybody else had their seatbelts on i feel like there's like a waiting point for the kids to go hide in the minivan and so we send them off to go drive and hide in the waiting point behind a copes of trees until the battle starts. Okay. Lark has driven them

behind... Henry's throwing up watching Lark drive. There's basically... Actually, you know what you see is you see five trees completely encircling the van running at the same exact rate.

So it's just... They're just like shuffling like... You don't even see the van. You just see a lot... Splinkers, splinkers, splinkers. Yeah, you see a small like the fucking end of Macbeth.

You just see a bunch of trees moving together and hiding. Did you say just like the end of Macbeth? Yeah. When Highwood comes trees moving together. Did you say just like the end of Macbeth? Yeah. When Highwood comes to Dunsinane, motherfucker. Holy shit.

Get yourself a DM that does it all, Lazy. Listen to Shakespeare and doesn't fuck. So yeah, they're all sequestered away and hidden. I'm going to have them

roll stealth with advantage, but it should not be a problem because they were surrounded by trees. Yeah, they got a 19. Like, they're fine. They're hidden. All right.

Well, here they go. Which means I guess it's time to get this show on the trees. Yeah, they got a 19. Like, they're fine. They're hidden. Alright, well, there they go. Which means I guess it's time to get this show on the road. I guess we grew up. They did, man. Should we have like a dad hug? Yeah, let's have a dad hug. Bring it in. A dad huggle, if you will. Yeah, a dad huggle. No, this is a dad hug. There's nothing here other than three dads who love each other. Okay.

I'm missing a fourth dad here. Hey, Walter, can you get in here real quick? Yeah, sure. 20 minutes of... Just two big arms coming to a hug. Game time. So, mom, where's the car?

The fake car with the doppelganger kids. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I forgot about the doppelganger kids. What? And I lost the car.

No, I'm just fucking with you. Yeah, no, it's right over there. I'm fucking with you. I'm fucking with you. I see it's tense. I was trying to cut the tension. I was scared the jeepers out'm just fucking with you. Yeah, no, it's right over there. I'm fucking with you. I'm fucking with you. I see it's tense. I was trying to cut the tension. I was scared the bejeebers out. Yeah, we're on nerves right now.

When you said that Terry Jr. died, I was like, what the fuck? No, it's fine. It's right over there. Yeah, no, I got quasi-working homunculi of moths. They have the souls of moths and they look like your kids. Let me tell you,

please do not look them directly in the eye because it is fucking weird. Well, with any luck, no one's going to be looking at them directly in the eye because they're going to be looking at the driver one man named teenage daryl wilson and i pull out the young blood amulet and i hang it on daryl and i become daryl turns into a teen version of daryl that looks a lot like grant okay and i'm gonna drive so you can probably get rid of that Grant doppelganger.

I kind of don't want to look at it. It's weird. It's like he's already dead when you do that. In fact, let me just move it out. So I pick up the dead looking Grant homunculus. What is it? Does it make any noise? It's like, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

Fortnite, Fortnite, bah, bah, bah. We didn't tell her beforehand. We should have told her not to make it. I should have been more clear about that. We didn't really decide until the last moment. These took me a few hours. I got to save some labor. You just told me.

Who's our new intern? Can somebody take care of this? I'm just going to lay it on the ground. Doug has subcontracted out his intern duties to his parents. So Mr. and Mrs. D'Intern are there, and they go, well, of course, what do you need? What do you need? I'll just remove this somehow.

Don't tell me how or let me see it. Doug, turn around real quick. Oh, man, I'm going to hear it. Okay. God. It's fine. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's just meat. It's just homunculus matter. Oh, man. I'm going to hear it. Okay. God. It's fine. It's done. It's done.

It's done. It's just meat. It's just homunculus matter. It's nothing. Just don't think about it. Don't think about that it's the same thing that technically paid it. Hey, I'm feeling light. I'm feeling good.

Walter says, but before you get into the rest of your plan, I have a request. It is on the dragon. It took Peyton from me. Walter, it's all you, man. Yeah. Fucking kick that thing's ass. That would be actually super helpful.

Yeah. That was a huge hole in our plan. That's the problem when we don't bring you into these plans. We're sorry, Walter. I've thought that several times.

I know. We're sorry, Walter. We still have all those old copies of the Pep Boys shirts that don't have me on them. I'm sorry, Walter. Hey, Walter, I just want to let you know we do appreciate you.

And we've been having a hard time in this world. And you've been a big part of us making it through it. You've you've been a cornerstone to this castle. I bow to no one. Yeah, I kneel to Walter. I kneel to Walter, too. Why are we kneeling? Just because in our world, this is a reference to a very poignant scene in a story.

And that's what we're doing. And you are the point of that story. Oh, go for it. And we love you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay. Arise. What I'm going to be doing is I'm Grant and the kids, and we know that Willie and the other Omega dads want the kids, so this is, I'm the big distraction. They want all that daddy magic. Yeah, I'm the fumble ruski. I'm the fake football. Right.

I'm driving around. And we need someone with skills behind the wheel to drive that van. I'm no lark, but I'm pretty good. Yeah. Okay. This is our bait because we know they want our kids for more daddy magic. That's what they want. And I'm sure they would believe that the kids might just try to drive in on a crazy kind

of suicide run. So yeah. So if we can get them chasing this van around trying to get those kids, that helps us keep them away from the real kids. Okay. Okay. So that's step one. Step two, we're heading over from the real kids. Yes. Okay. Okay. So that's step one. Step two,

we're heading over to the fire festival. It's going to open. I'm going to be waiting in the wings when the crowd gets jumping. I'm going to cast animal shapes. We're going to ride our mighty army down the hill towards that wall. We're going to blast through and go to face our dads. Yes. And I,

uh, I did that thing. Oh, good. You did the thing. I did the thing, you know, say no more. Yes. And I did that thing. Oh, good. You did the thing? I did the thing, you know. Okay, because a lot of us would say no more. Yeah. We never know who could be listening, Will said, looking directly

at Anthony. Walter goes, indeed. Pointing at his nose like, right on. Yes. So I guess it's time for a concert to start? Yeah. So for the last time, you see the sun over the Forgotten Realms set beneath the horizon. I can't believe none of us ever remarked that the sun is a square in this world.

It's fucking wild. It's a very Minecraft world. It's very Minecraft-y. I gotta say, this is not my favorite movie. I never liked that it's a square in this world. I like the sunset back on our world more. Let's go see it again. Let's get home.

At the stage, Doug takes the microphone into his hands between she picks up the Goblin before I take the shields Give a warm welcome to and then scam likely takes the microphone away from these go go go You have no sense of decorum no sense of entertainment value whatsoever As you know, I'm scam likely I live in your head of a tree. Oh, thank you. As you know, I'm scammed lightly. I live in your head, run free. Oh, thank you. Thank you fans. I see. Lovely. There was like in the car, just like way in the distance. He's like, wait, is that gay?

Though I may turn you off, you're about to be turned on. Please make a round of applause for Hi, I'm Ron! And he steps off stage and everybody sort of starts applauding and you can see that the crowd has indeed gotten a little bit bigger, and then you take the stage. So what are you going to do, Ron?

Thank you, Scam, for that lovely intro. You're welcome. Welcome, Fire Festival. They had a different name, I thought. As a street team, we definitely gave them a different name. Oh, yeah. Anyways. Hi. I, yeah. Anyways. Hi.

I'm Ron, and this is RonCon, the Bye, I'm Ron, Farewell Tour. Be proud. Applause politely. Man, Ron's really dropped off on the star power front. Here today, gone tomorrow. What can I say? Here today, Ron tomorrow. Fame, a fickle mistress.

They judge you by your performances as they come. So they're say? Here today, gone tomorrow. Fame, a fickle mistress. They judge you by your performances as they come. So they're waiting. They go, music, singing, please. Okay, this next song is a cover. Just to sort of give you an intro to it, I just want to say that there is a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall and the bells in the steeple too and then up in the nursery,

an absurd little bird is popping out to say, Kenku. Kenku! Kenku! Kenku! So long! Farewell! Wish I could give you all a hug!

Instead, I'll leave an intro interlude. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Bye, I'm Ron. And I toss the mic at Doug and I run for some reason. Okay. Okay. Make a performance roll and we'll see how the crowd is feeling. I feel like they've got to be feeling pretty good.

It rhymed. Why would they not be? Yeah. When things rhyme, it's always a good time. A natural 20. What? What? Are you kidding me? We should have saved that. They realize the audience

has come in and they've been like, we had to walk and it was a whole fucking day. And then like, who's this Doug guy? I'm taking a selfie with this natural 20. And then they realized, this is why we fucking came here. This is that fucking high I'm Ron energy. This is the motherfucker that blew out the doors at the water mice slash. The previous outdoor event. The previous outdoor event in that particular area

whose name i don't really remember because i'm fucking madder but they're like this is the greatest music act in all of feyroon and oh oh he's leaving okay well okay well whatever we got that energy we're gonna take that into this set of whoever the hell doug wants bring like alt art to like feyroon they're like oh that's cool it's like oh ron's not even gonna sing on there yeah ron's kanye gonna sing yeah Ron's Kanye now basically so Doug goes alright let's get

this party started this one goes out to all the dads out there and he starts a set and it's better than it was last night

when it was just a screeching of metal on metal it sounds it sounds something akin to a song then he adds another layer to it

with a second leather shield whole different kind of sound whole different kind of sound. Whole different kind of noise. Whole new dimension. Whole new experience. And then he starts banging on an armored cuirass with a stick.

And then he starts layering new beats, and it gets up higher. It gets more intense. So everybody roll perception. I'll wanna... Can I use my passive perception? Yeah. Okay, all right, I got a 25. Your passive perception is 25?

Your passive, oh yeah, because you're all wisdom guy. That's a 12. I got a three. I mean, it makes sense. I'm very far away. I'm like in a car, like away from this thing. Yeah, and you're a teenager. They don't pay attention when they're driving.

They're all this whole time just kind of just like, hey, kids, keep it down back there. Yeah, I also got three. And they're all like, Fortnite, Fortnite, Fortnite. Because they learned it from Grant. Roblox? Roblox? Roblox? Fortnite? Roblox? Fortnite? Roblox? Fortnite?

Poggers! Poggers! Poggers! Pogjam! Pogjam! F in the chat. F in the chat. So, Henry, you can see that there are a couple of scouts on the battlements of the Stronghold. And they're looking through what appears to be some sort of magical,

not even magical. I guess they had monoculars back then, you know, like a fucking monocular and they're pointing and gesturing wildly toward the fucking venue. And not only that, when you're looking at them with your half elven eyes, you see that the UFC fighters that they brought in, those aren't soldiers.

There are three of them standing on the towers next to those big anti-magic crystals. Willie has instructed them to just stay there. Wait, wait. Oh, you fuck. God damn it. Kids on the what? There's three kids on the towers. We're going to kill four children.

There's kids on the tower? Yeah. Twelve. There's three kids on the tower yeah 12 there's three kids on each tower so it's this trolley that's heading towards this all right i see that there's kids up there and i look and i pull up my radio my rocky talky or whatever we call it my leaf which i pulled my leafy weefy my leafy weefy and i say guys we got a problem they're using those kids as human shields on those freaking anti-magic things. What do we do? I mean, I guess I could drive and try to save them,

but I don't think they're 100 feet tall. It's too much. I mean, we can't blow up those towers if there's kids there. No. No. We can add an extra act to the show, though. As you say that, you hear and see a catapult stone being launched from the interior of the stronghold.

And it... All right, whatever you're going to do, Ron, do it now! And it hits Doug. You just don't see him anywhere. He's there. There's a stone and there's a crater. It's a very Blue Man Group performance.

Yes. Actually, and the audience is like, ah, this is fucking wild. Yeah. And his parents are like, he died doing what he loved,

fucking grinding. Fuck, he was fucking working to the very end, that fucking hustle on that board. We're so proud of you. We're so proud of you, my son.

I'm actually literally just going to walk back on the stage and pick up the mic. Okay, cool. Yeah. Yeah, you like that? You like, you get like... That was all part of the show. You really pumped up, Henry?

Like, how pumped up are they? I'm feeling pretty pumped. Are you guys turned up and juiced up and ready to go? We're full of juice. Are you fully torqued? We're full of torque. Are you ready to be elephants? Are you ready to unleash your inner beast? What was that thing about elephants?

Are you willing to be transformed? Go back to the thing about elephants! Metaphorically speaking, are you willing to unleash your inner beast? I'd say sure, yeah. We're more or less willing creatures. I guess I would say that, yeah! That's fabulous. If you guys are revved up and ready to go, I'd like sure, yeah, we're more or less willing creatures, I guess I would say that, yeah! That's fabulous. If you guys are revved up and ready to go, I'd like to introduce our next musical act.

Some may know this person from their incredible lamb silencing skills and their devilish cop nature. Anyways, you all know who I'm talking about. The one, the only, Jodie Foster. How do you summon Jodie Foster? Ron closes his eyes and up into the heavens, he cries, Dr. Lecter, Dr. Lecter. All right, go ahead and give me just a straight D20 roll. Oh, well, never mind then.

Okay, okay. 16. Oh, weird, nothing happens. No, a 16 will do it. In the sky and all around you, a rhythmic beat that you can't quite place, but you know is somehow familiar. And it sounds like...

but you know is somehow familiar. And it sounds like... Freddy is joined in the beat. This is insane. And it repeats. And it gets faster. And then the sky opens up. And you see fire and flame. and you see three shadowy figures.

One on a guitar, a young boy with horns and a cool fucking skateboard. One who looks like a cop, but he's got a fucking cool whip. Nice. A cop who's got a cool whip. The Nice. He's got a cool whip. The monster I gave him just has a whip. And then you see spinning the discs in front of them, a figure that is very familiar to you. And the song resolves itself,

and you hear the song that is being spun. We wish you a Merry Christmas! Yeah! We're! So, Glenn, from hell. Yes! Dragged in by Jody and his son, half-son Nick, and he screams out to the crowd,

it's like, yeah, boy! Let's get him! I think that anyone in earshot is getting Bardic Inspiration. Okay, that's not how bardic inspiration works, but... Wait, am I playing music? I'm playing Christmas music. Yeah, but bardic inspiration says choose a creature, but like, whatever.

But they're listening to it, though. Yeah, no, I mean, I'm on your side here. I'm just letting you know what Gary Gajax from the grave is going through. But he's not just a bard anymore. He came back from hell. Wait, he's dead? He's transformed. Yeah, Gary Gygax is dead. We're still playing?

Like, like... Daryl! Daryl, is Daryl out there? No, this is Grant. I'll pass on the information, though. This is definitely Grant. Well, tell Daryl good news. I died and I went to hell.

And then I brought Christmas music to hell. I ended Christian hell with Christmas music. Behind, in the portal behind Glenn, you can see a bunch of demons, but they're all dressed like Mormons. They've all just got the nice button-up white shirt and a black tie. And they're like, yeah, we just didn't know about Christ.

Yeah, it turns out. We just had no idea. We just need some Christmas music. had to curse on hell, everybody. We just need some Christmas music. Christmas is awesome. That's our whole thing now. Through the light of Christ, I ended hell. Daryl stares in the mirror at himself and he goes,

Glenn's the best dad. And then Henry looks up and says, Glenn's the best dad. All God had to do was just tell him about Christmas. Kind of jacked up, if you think about it. Makes you wonder why he didn't do that in the first place. Anyway, that's my next song. Ron, like, says this to himself, but accidentally into the microphone. Glenn's way better Christmas music than I am. I'd like to introduce to you all the demon cop that I'm raising my kid with, Jodie Foster.

What's up? Oh, shit. Hi, Jimmy. I mean, hey, Jodie. Hey, buddy. Oh, man. Long time, Mr. Scent. Mr. Scent?

How much did you like each other? You think demons like companionship? No, we're like feral kind of beings, you know, scent. So that's why you're like, Ron, is this smell? Ron definitely smells better than everyone here. That's like an easy, easy answer. That's actually the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. Oh, nice.

Everything I felt about love coming into this moment was wrong. All I care about is if people like the way I smell. You smell great, Ron. Well, if it's Ron, then I don't want to be right. They're kids screaming in the distance. Oh, looks like we have a bit of a schenundrum on our hands here. That's what we call them in hell, schenundrum.

That's what little Nikki says. Jodi, first off, glad you're back. And then second, could you go get those kids so that we can blow them up without hurting them? So what do you want to do, Jodi? Okay, I'm going to take to the air and fly off to try to rescue the kids. So basically the sky fills with arrows as they see a hell demon coming at them, the guards that are stationed around these towers.

Glenn, do you want to do the honors of dropping this beat? Off microphone, I whisper, it's going to set off the bomb. So if you just like, you know, click here, you detonate the bomb. It's okay if you do that. That's okay. I've been watching you all from hell. That's so beautiful. Glenn, we're so happy to see you again.

Oh, yeah. It's good to see you guys. Things are a little bit complicated right now. I found Nick in hell and still working out exactly how I'm going to fit into his half-demon life. But hey, you know what? Hey, Nick, you want to blow this thing up? So Nick has been playing a sweet guitar lick the entire time you've been talking. And when you say, do you want to blow this up?

He goes, no, I don't. I want us to blow this shit up. Let's raise the roof on this motherfucker. Or bring it down, depending. Well, I guess both. Either one. Three, two, one. Just to clarify, we did get the kids out, though.

Oh, we got to wait? Okay, no, we can vamp. Okay, it's okay. I got a loop function on this. We'll do the refrain a couple more times. Fuck yeah, Merry Christmas more times fuck yeah nick jr rat you want to come hang out here yeah nick jr the rat comes up and seeing demon hell glenn probably just scampers up on the show it's like oh hey hey nick jr hey this is nick yeah you know what nick jr scampers up onto your shoulder and because you're on fire and immediately he immediately emulates and lights on fire but it

goes to hell it goes then goes to hell and comes back on his shoulder as demon Nick Jr. And he's like, squeak, squeak. Throwing up the devil horns. Nick Jr., this was a surrogate rap. That was you because I was grieving. Drama takes many forms. And he fucking does a sick guitar solo. And he goes, I understand, dad.

I mean, half dad. I mean, sort of dad. Uncle dad. Whatever. Glenn. Hell yeah. What's important is I'm going to be in your life now. Yeah, in some way. guitar solo and he goes i understand dad i mean half dad i mean sort of dad uncle dad whatever glenn hell yeah what's important is i'm gonna be in your life now yeah in some way you see jody swooping and dodging arrows as best he can but the thing that he can't dodge as easily is this two-dimensional dragon that unfettered by the high winds where they're flying is just on his ass like a bad habit you're gonna give me a dexterity roll for each tower to see if you can grab the kids

on that tower. So go ahead and just give me four dexterity rolls back to back. All right, that's a 14, a 9, a 16, and a 17. Jody grabs the first three kids and the dragon bites at him twice with his multi-attack. He grabs another group of kids. The dragon just slashes at him with his claws and hits him with his multi-attack he grabs another group of kids the dragon just slashes at him with his claws and hits him with his tail he grabs the third group of kids and the dragon breathes fire on him and then as he grabs the fourth group of kids the dragon actually crit fails on its last

attempt so jimmy you have an opportunity to attack booyah so i'm going to use my whip and i'm going to pull as hard as i can to take it out of the air and have it go crashing towards the ground. Nice. 19. And the dragon falls down to the ground. It doesn't do a lot of damage, but now he is on the ground, and Walter's like, this is where I come in. And then extremely slowly, the crab's like. It's like a half hour, he's fucking toast. Okay okay so now that they've seen demons and dragons and all this kind of stuff that dungeons yeah it

is very clear that the people in the stronghold know that they are about to be under attack and as jody lands i assume it's now glenn's moment and glenn and he got all the kids he got all the kids on the ground one of the kids is gunner Duckworth and he sees Big Payton's dead body and he goes like, ha ha ha ha ha ha, fuck you, I won. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's who you saved.

Isn't that wild? Isn't it crazy you saved that kid? Dude, I didn't think we would hear from old Gunnar Duckworth. That's one off the checklist for the chameleon. It's like at the end of Billy Madison where he's like,

glad I called Becca. That was a lot of energy we just wasted for people we didn't really care about. Ron! That's the difference Ron that's the difference

between us and our shitty dad. as Ron. Beth! Beth May in another plane there was a Beth who said something

and that's the difference between us and these shitty dads. Yeah, same canon. That Beth is like oh I hate kids all right it's time to blow up these towers hey Jody you want like help press the button or what hell yeah and so I'm gonna take my hand above Nikki's Nikki's hands below mine and then we're all going to three interlock fingers together the ultimate wait what's the actual shit

going on over here it's like non-Euclidean geometry anyone who looks at it immediately loses their mind yeah they have to take a sandy roll

and then we're gonna hit the drop and all four towers simultaneously the ground beneath them detonates and the ground that is supporting those towers

just suddenly disappears and all of them drop 20 feet and lull to the side and they break in half and the crystals atop them hit the ground and they shatter into a thousand pieces. And you see that big purplish-pinkish dome that was surrounding the stronghold.

And corpses of 12 other kids per tower. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, I assumed you would go in physically. There was three on every floor. stronghold. And corpses of 12 other kids per tower. Yeah. I assumed you would like go in like physically. There was three on every floor. Ron, now it's your turn. And I kick the mic over to him. All right.

I take the mic. Yeah. So that's the conclusion by Ron. I wish that we could have given you more, but unfortunately corporate who is right over there, they're the businessmen, if will of this whole operation they have said that i can't perform anymore and then also there's no food that we promised you and that also you can't get home your airfare is very expensive um please avail yourself of some of the cheese sandwiches we have over there they're

great they're just bread there's no cheese courtesy of crunchies courtesy of the have over there. They're great. They're just bread. There's no cheese. Courtesy of crunchies. Courtesy of the people over there. So if you have any complaints or anything like that, like I know I do. I know I have some complaints. Yeah, I would go over there in that direction. Roll persuasion or deception.

Okay, so I rolled a 16 plus 3 for persuasion. That'll do it. When they hear that there's no food, when they hear that the food sucks, they get pissed. All of them get pissed. What do you mean no food?

We were promised Hi, I'm Ron and food, and we got Hi, I'm Ron. We're pretty psyched about that. Hi, I'm Ron is always delivered as a live show experience, but fucking no food. Also, you paid a lot for yurts. We did pay a lot for yurts. Where are the yurts?

They all turn on what they believe to be corporate headquarters they go let's go give up a piece of our minds as a group uh they start charging towards the stronghold okay so as the crowd is thundering past the tree that henry is perched in i cast animal shapes on the crowd your magic turns others into beasts choose any number of willing creatures that you can see within range. You transform them each into the form of a large or smaller beast with a challenge rating of four or lower. Now, here's the rub with that.

Because Dungeons & Dragons doesn't make any sense, there are no large beasts at level four challenge rating. What the fuck? So what I'd like to do is, elephants are technically a size above large, but I'd like to use elephant stats and say they're large creatures for the purpose of our operation here. That is fine. Okay. So here are

the stats. So how many people is it? Yeah, no, you ended up with about a hundred people. And so basically how this works, this is like when I do wild shape. So they get these hit points on top of their normal hit points. And so like when they get to zero, they turn back human. Yes, they turn back to human and they're not unconscious when they turn back to human okay so ac12 76 hit points as they rush by henry leaps onto the front elephant drops down from the tree and that the other druids are in the crowd as well because they're going to be casting healing spells and buffs and stuff fucking cool okay so i wait for all the elephants to rush by i jump on one in the back ron hops on that same elephant, but hides under the elephant. And I say, hey, Ron, remember the cool plan we came up with? I remember it. An

elephant always never. Wait, fuck. Daryl seeing the stampede has started. He turns on the headlights and he starts honking fiercely. He peels out and he starts screaming things that he thinks teens would say. He goes, woo goes we're proud of our dads oh wow i hope willie doesn't see us making noise that music was great not as cool as those bts kids or or minecraft but love him and he's just driving around trying to get uh their attention from their perspective they're seeing a charge and then they're seeing a minivan seeing a minivan not separate from the charge like it's trying to sneak in or something

I'm just trying to think of what do you roll for that because it's not intimidation you could do persuasion okay yeah actually or deception or performance you know

17 so you see on the battlements the familiar face of the lance pointing down at your van and he goes

they're there I think this was my voice as the lance they're there those bastards they're trying a flanking maneuver. Hey, hey, move the catapult. You need to get that fucking van. Shit.

As I also started driving, after I do my incredible performance that they completely bought, I whisper into my leaf and I check in on Sweet Matilda to see how the beer went. So the plan was that she was trying to poison everybody with like sleepy time beer or something?

So she says, I'm sorry, Daryl she was trying to poison everybody with like sleepy time beer or something? So she says, I'm sorry, Daryl. I tried to drug them with the sleepy time beer, but they caught me. I had to pretend like I was just mixing a drink for myself and I had to drink it and I fell asleep for a little while. Okay, but are you okay? Are you okay?

I'm okay. My cover's not blown or anything like that because I wrote it okay. But I did at least get a chance to check out that, you called it the nuclear, the- Oh, fuck, I forgot there's a nuclear bomb. Oh my God, that's right, there's a nuclear bomb. Yeah, so it seems like whenever Willie wants to,

they can press a button and basically start a countdown. And once that's happened, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to disarm it. Where's the button? Is it like on like a remote thing or is it like- So there's just one remote that Willie has to the bomb. And I think if he thinks he's gonna lose he might press it

and start the countdown and try to he has it on his body he has it on him yeah it's in his belt shit I think we should probably go into let's do initiative

initiative so yeah give me initiative rolls everybody 6 plus 6 12 for demon blend I got 12 plus 4 16 19 plus 1

that's a 20 I got a 17 okay so now we are officially in combat. Before the battle, I cast Enhance Ability on my fellow dads. And so you touch a creature and bestow upon it a magical enhancement,

choose one of the following effects. The targets gain that effect until the spell's end. I cast Eagle's Splendor on Ron and on Daryl, which gives them advantage on charisma checks. Great. First off is, unfortunately, Radiolab, who rolled a natural 20. Radiolab the dragon.

Damn. Nobody even remembers who you are. Wait, wait, okay? All right. Click, clack. I'm going to make you a snack. Beth's a Radiolab listener. We have Beth here.

Cool kids. Okay. All right. All right. Then I say something that's provably untrue, but sounds really cool. All right. Radiolab sees a sea of elephants coming towards the walls.

Okay, so it is going to use its fire breath on the elephants, and the elephants are going to have to make a DC 24 dexterity saving throw. Fuck, are you kidding me? How many of the elephants? It's in a cone, so let's say there's 100 elephants. Let's say this is going to get 20. We'll say 20. And the druids are all elephants?

The druids are druids. They're running amongst the elephants. All right. So I will say that because it's a cantrip, they cast guidance on all the elephants. Okay. They can add a D4 to any ability check. Cool. So let's just say that for now.

Remember, people also have a D12 of bardic inspiration. Okay, so everyone's got bardic inspiration. So they're going to roll a D20 and a D4 and a D12. And they got a 15. Oh my God. I'm really sorry. That's what it is. Good Lord.

All right. All right. So 20 of these elephants, each of which have 76 HP, so they don't go down at least they get a face full of fire from radio lab the dragon and they stumble to the ground and they stop and some of the elephants behind them like it's a it's a it's a bit of a pile up yeah it's a bit of a pile up and some have to climb over some jump over but very quickly the rest of the elephants realize oh we should probably go around them some of the elephants back with like run because they were told this was going to be like corporate sponsorship not a dragon um so you're basically down to uh like let's say 80 elephants

of which 20 are pretty fucking singed they take a lot of damage and 10 are out of commission yes okay and now it is either daryl or autumn's turn depending on who you would like obviously willie's not gonna want the kids to die and we've said that they've bought that this car is full of the kids yes so actually i was thinking daryl seeing the dragon wipe out a bunch of these elephants and realizing that willie's not gonna want these kids to get killed drives towards the dragon and using the first of glenn's grenades winds up and throws it at the dragon's head okay go ahead and give me a range tackle no matter what's gonna hit the dragon the question is that as they hit his head if i wind up what's the benefit if you wind up uh you'll get, let's say,

advantage on the damage. You have to roll damage. I'm going to do one wind up for Glenn, and I just can't roll a one? Just don't roll a one. I think it was one and two, because you have two nuts, remember? Three.

You literally rolled the lowest possible thing you could have rolled. So I rolled a three. Not so easy, is it? Ha, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. So I was going to hit, so I roll a range attack. Yeah. And we didn't say how much damage these grenades do. No, we did not decide that. You could use a scroll of fireball as your comparison, right?l, Daryl. So I was going to hit, so I roll a range attack. Yeah. And we didn't say how much damage these grenades do.

No, we did not decide that. You could use a scroll of fireball as your comparison, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Find that. Scroll of fireball is 86. 86? We made explosive grenades. All right, so roll 86 and then take that sum and then put it aside in your head and then

roll another 86 and whichever of those sums is bigger, that's the one we'll use. The first 86 is 26. 30. Ooh, there you go. All right. So Radiolab takes 30 damage. And since I have two attacks, I'm going to throw two of my five grenades.

So I'm going to do that again. Okay. Daryl's feeling pretty good. Now this time you have to avoid a one or two or three. Okay. I'm feeling like he's back in his baseball days. All right. Let's get it.

Let's get it. Let's get it. Okay. Nice. Nice. Not bad. Second advantage. Okay. So I roll 8d6 again back in his baseball days. All right, let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Okay. Nice, nice, nice. Not bad. I get advantage.

Okay. So I roll 86 again. 18, so 25. So overall, I did 55 damage. Okay. How much HP does it have? He starts with 500. I don't like that.

Oh, we flash back. I forgot. I was, I swear to God, I was going to say this and I forgot. Okay. The last thing when Daryl was about to drive off, he was literally pulling out and Henry said, oh shit, Daryl, wait. And then I grabbed the katana of Kant and give it to Daryl was about to drive off. He was literally pulling out and Henry said, oh shit, Daryl, wait. And then I grabbed the katana of Kant and give it to Daryl.

And I say, you might need to throw this at somebody, my good man. Okay. So yes, I hold on to it. And Daryl's definitely pretty wary of this. He doesn't like talking philosophy, so he's a little wary of this blade. So I've got the blade in the car. Yes. And you can cut its HP in half. And you can throw it with pinpoint accuracy so that's why

yeah i was like okay yes yes yes okay but first it was the distraction so yes i did the 55 damage it was less about the damage than distracting it and then i'm like turning the car around and trying to drive away cool that's your turn Yeah. You damaged him and you were driving away and the catapult is still tracking you essentially. Okay. Now it's autumn's turn. She's a stride and elephant and she's going to use call lightning as a third level spell.

She's going to use her one seven level spell slot. So what this does is a storm cloud appears in the shape of a cylinder that is 10 feet tall with a 60 foot radius centered on a point. You can see within range directly above you. So when you cast tell you choose a point and then basically a bolt of lightning flashes down from the cloud and each creature within that five feet at that point has to make a dexterity saving throw the creature takes 3d 10 damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one this is literally pikachu's attack in super smash brothers yeah literally yeah she's gonna look up at the battlements where the lance is talking shit and trying to direct the catapult.

Oh, nice. And she's going to call down lightning on him. He's going to try to save and his 10 friends. Six of the 11 members of Lance's faction. So there's the lance and his 10 buddies. They are going to take 3D10 lightning damage as the sky opens up above them. And a bolt of lightning strikes directly between all of them okay so that's 16 damage and i decided beforehand that since you met them when

you were first level they all had 15 hp oh shit so hell yeah mom six of them are now dead hey kids let that be a lesson you level one right now as time goes on make sure you keep uh keep physically active you know make sure you keep physically active, you know? Make sure you do your stretches every night. You know, try yoga a little bit. Make sure you're limber. Otherwise, you'll be under-leveled in the fight later on in your life. Six of the Lance's men are just fucking straight up fried.

The Lance himself just barely managed to evade, so they take half damage. So they're pretty wounded, but they're not dead. And that was Autumn's turn as she continues to ride towards glory. Next is bill close. You see bill climb to the top of the battlements and he looks down at this horde of elephants and he sees Henry writing a stride one and he sees the corpse of Peyton and he goes, you pieces of shit, you pieces of shit.

You killed my son. And he points at Peyton's corpse and uses animate dead. He thinks that you killed Glenn. What? So he is going to animate Peyton's body. And so big Peyton is going to lurch up and go. They're doing our baby boy dirty. Oh my God.

We got to go tell Bill that it was Willie that killed Glenn. Now it is Henry's turn. We haven't reached the wall yet. No, the elephants unfortunately rolled pretty bad. So they're going to be one of the last groups to go. Henry is going to cast hold person on Payton. Okay. The target must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or be paralyzed for the duration.

And the duration is concentration up to one minute. At the end of each of its turns, the target can make another wisdom saving throw. I only want to cast this on Payton, so I'm going to use this at my first level spell slot. So Massive Zombie Payton fails his... This is so dark, just thinking about the fact that we were having so much fun with him and now he's a big ol' zombie.

Massive Zombie Payton fails his wisdom saving throw and he's held tight and stays in position. He's... It's like when the genie in Aladdin is like sorry kid. So yeah he is held

fast. Nice. Nice save. Now it is going to be Liz Warden and her knight's turn. They're going to hold Liz Warden's hair. They're going to hold

until you breach the wall so they're not going to do anything. Now it is Ron's turn. I might want to hold my turn. Just tell me so they're not going to do anything. Now it is Ron's turn. I might want to hold my turn. Just tell me when you want to jump in, and then we'll just do it. Okay. Now the trees are going to join as well.

What did you suggest that Aaron and her trees do? Everybody's goal is to breach the wall. Okay. Very Lord of the Rings. Very Ents versus the... Yeah. We're trying to tear this wall down. Probably like moving the roots in

to screw up the foundation and the dirt below. Maybe chucking rocks back at the catapults. That might be kind of cool. Oh, that's fun.'s fine okay cool so there's 20 treants they each have like 155 hp they're actually pretty strong the rest of the forest was just like we'll sit this one well we'll be fine we don't all want to die because a lot of them are like we don't know these fucking guys um 10 of them are going to try to throw rocks over the wall and hope they hit the catapult and 10 of them are going to start wailing on the wall. I will do the rolls for that.

And that is three natural 20s in a single run of 10 rolls. What? Wow. Those are the trees that were throwing rocks. And so three of them fucking nat 20. And you hear a crunching noise. And you hear, fuck! From the top on the battlement, the is like come on fix it they managed to break the catapult yes the other two are gonna wail on this fucking wall

a lot of them find that their branches can't make much of a dent in the denser rock maybe if they had enough time you know grow inside of it and sort of eat it away from within and stuff they could do more but only a couple of the trees managed to really make much of a dent in the wall. They pull out cobblestones and you can even see through some cobblestones inside at some of the, you know, some of the knights and stuff that are in there preparing. But that is their turn. Every bit counts, team.

Every bit counts. Dad killer. It is his turn. And you hear bleh. And a bat flies over the top of the battlements it's going to drop down onto the battlefield and then turn itself from bat form into vampire form which i believe takes an action so he steps down and he goes well that is so we've meet again if you don't recognize me as a character you may want to watch the live show that we did

because that's where I'm from. Which is available on our Patreon. It's available on our Patreon. If you didn't listen to the live show, he's a vampire who doesn't like the dad.

He's done mad. From the crowd, you hear an elephant be like, show out! Eeny, meeny, miny, a henry. I will get you first

for that daylight shenanigans you piece of shit. But that's his whole turn. Now it is Sweet Matilda's turn. You can't see her. She's on the other side of the wall. She's doing something with somebody. I'm going to roll.

Okay. I'll know what she's doing. Want to do something with somebody? You hear her cry out in pain. No! So the Oak family is going to hold their turn until the elephants have their turn. Now it's the elephants' turn, incidentally. The elephants.

Oh, wait. There's 80 of them? I forgot there's 80 of them 80 they annihilate the fucking wall 80 elephants even when like 10 of them just get natural ones and just fall over their own feet the rest of them collide into this wall with all this force a lot of it being terror from the fucking dragon and they knock out a lot of the foundational stones that are keeping that wall up because it's really just a bunch of bricks placed on top of one another. And they fucking collapse the wall. And so now there's this big pile of bricks and mortar and

stone that you'll still have to sort of climb over, but it's not going to be hard. Now there's an opening into the center of the stronghold and you can see the three ring circus. You see the portal that you initially came through is now physically visible. It's no longer invisible. You see Willie and Bill, not Bill anymore because he was actually on the, he falls off the fucking wall as the elephants trample it.

He falls to the ground, you don't see him. But you can see Barry and Willie. They're in their own circles and they are concentrating and seeming to cast some sort of closure spell. They're powering a J.O. crystal. To close the portal. What is the three-ring circus again?

So basically, they're just each in their own little, like, zone, so you don't have to, like, jump in and fight all three of them at once. Okay, that's nice. They basically have created, like, summoning circles or, like, spell circles to enhance their spellcasting abilities because this entire time, they've been trying to close the portal back to your world so they can have an easier time getting to your and willie knows that the three ring circus works because it glows when he was um casting spells with one of his homies yeah okay so that was the elephants so the oak valians are going to

spend their turns healing up as many of the elephants as they can a lot of cure wounds and a lot of spell slots being expended, but that's okay. So you still got 80 elephants roughly. You know, if you fall down, let's say. So let's say you're down

to 70. Can I, I don't know if there's a bonus action or whatever, can I tell the fallen elephants to run to get out of here? Yeah, go. Go for it.

My fallen brothers, leave! Flee this place! Thanks for your help, though. Cool. Come back next year. There'll be another festival. Thanks for coming.

Sorry. Sorry the food wasn't there. All right. We have a big pile of Fyre Festival t-shirts. Yes. Like merch bags. Just merch bags. That will be merchandised.

They'll be really valuable someday. Oh, Glenn is definitely selling his CD on the way out. Glenn's like, hey, drop me off. We'll be at the merch table. So now it is going to be Barry's turn.

Barry Oak, as always, is the master of calm. And he just continues to meditate and move into downward dog and do sun pose and stuff while he... Downward dog to sun pose is not a good flow. No, it's not good. But you know what? He makes it work. He makes it work.

He is going to call lightning with a ninth level with his phone. Oh my God. He's going to do it with a ninth level spell slot. The storm cloud is going to appear in the shape of a cylinder that's 10 feet tall with a 60 foot radius and it's going to be centered. Let's say Barry is going to target the elephant that Ron and Henry are both on.

And basically- Not Bilferson the elephant, our beloved elephant. It makes cute noises. It does make cute noises. It's going to make even cuter noises when it's getting fucking fried. So basically a storm cloud appears over you and you are both going to make

a dexterity saving throw. Four. Henry rolled a 14. Both of you, unfortunately, are going to take a 9d10 damage. And as Barry calls this lightning down from the sky, everything goes really quiet before the lightning strikes. And in that quiet, you can just hear him go, move through your vinyasa.

And that calm is almost more irritating than the 90 10 of damage you were about to take. I just rolled one and it was actually a pretty good number that I'm okay with. Yeah. It was 45 total. Okay, so you take 45 damage. Yeah. Wait, I rolled for me too. I take 34 damage. Oh, also the elephant.

Bilverson. Yeah. Henry, to your horror, I guess, you know what cooking elephant smells like. Oh, no. And it's pretty good, unfortunately. What? What? What?

It doesn't kill him yet. It's like he slows to a trot for a second and goes like. Like the frog in boiling water. Yeah. And then he basically kind of tries to shake it off and it just keeps going and he's slowly still limping forward. He's still got some fight left in him.

He's still alive. Gilperson, you're so brave. Onward! It's like Solid Snake. Yeah, in Metal Gear Solid 4. Glenn, it's your turn now. So I think Glenn is hitching a ride on Jody's feet. He's going to have him drop him off because like he saw his dad pop up.

He's like, that son of a bitch. All right. Dad slash Bill. So when you say dad slash Bill, you hear like, and it's like nearby under a couple of stones. You can see his hand, the very noticeable hand of Bill Close there, and you can pull him out. Even under a pile of rubble, it's doing the fucking horns. So Glenn, I think, drops off from Jody, lands in the blade pose.

Of course. Yeah. Hold on. Classic. Real quick. Just going to... Eight. It's not the best blade pose.

It's not even a good one. It's not even a good one. That is a sub-average blade pose that's what you know it's that you land and both hands are up it's like ah shit right one goes down and i strut over to the rubble where i see his hand i said i'm still alive you piece of shit how are you and you see him push through some of the rubble and just he clears enough from around his face that he can see and he goes what the You look metal as fuck. I want to stand over him and say, well, you fucking sentenced me to die.

You became part of the system that you said that you were against. You are the man. I know, man. I know. I sold out. I thought I could make this work. I can outsmart Willie. I just got to get to the right position of power and then

I'll make my coup and I'll fix everything and before I could do that it turned out you had died and your friends had killed you and I fucked up. My friends didn't kill me. What? What do you mean? You killed me, you son of a bitch. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, you know, all that stuff.

Metaphor, I'm responsible. Ron is like, well well maybe tell him like the whole thing yeah you're not there this is all this is the conversation they're having we have the leaf i set my leaf to mute this is me between me and my dad that character that's like great how about will he kill him please god damn it clint this is great this is good and he goes like you're right it was fucking my bad i thought i was smarter than i was i thought willie killed me bro well you metaphorically did willie literally did just to clarify the sequence of events that piece of shit i'm gonna persuade you that that was the case yep go for it 31 oh yeah that makes way more sense why would your friends kill you i can't

believe i'm so fucking stupid i thought i was smart it turns out so fucking stupid i thought i was being clever but i was really just doing the easiest thing anytime something came up i always chose a fucking easy path fucking stupid stupid i'm so sorry glenn i'm sorry you're dead less sorry that you look fucking metal as shit though very fucking cool you are an aberration on this world my friend if you want to kill me oh shit yeah i do oh okay well then i mean well i don't i didn't think you would say that. This seems really weird now. A lot of the energy kind of got, a lot of the air out of this balloon. Yeah, I didn't expect you would actually be so psyched to kill me.

And then I thought that you were friends had killed you, so you would see my point of view a little bit better. Not really. Fuck, dude. Not really. I ruined this even. I ruined us. Fucking, oh, fuck. You know what?

You and me, we maybe could've worked In another life But this one Okay Not like romantically Not like romantically Hold on let me just Ron not like romantically Sorry

Your leaf has shitty mute skills No that You know what You're right Things sound like You're going well over there Good job Glenn We're all counting on you

Whew Guys Did you hear that I said Whatever you need For me to make it right I ain't gonna argue with you anymore you were right and I was fucking wrong I was a bad dad you're a piece of shit

you wanna know how you make it up to me and I draw my demon gun cause it's a demon gun now it's on fire it looks very cool it's very devil may cry yeah you remember the video game devil may cry yeah it's devil may cry I thought you were. Yeah. Do you remember the video game Devil May Cry? Yeah. It's Devil May Cry. I thought you were going to be like, do you remember the human gun?

No. Remember, I'm Glenn. I used to use gun a lot. Do you guys remember? I only used it, like it wasn't that big. But a while ago, I had a human gun.

Also, Devil May Cry is not dead, Freddie. That franchise is still alive and well. I don't remember anything. Okay. So this is what you see, the camera shot. You see Bill's hand like up from the rubble

and then you see a demon gun. Enter frame, point down right at him. The hammer pulls back. And then another hand comes next to the gun and says, you're going to fucking help me kill Willie if it's the last thing you fucking do, you piece of shit. And he goes, yeah, no, fuck Willie. Fuck Willie.

And maybe once he's dead, you and i could maybe take over and i just to whip him with okay you know what that's on me that's my bad that's my bad i didn't learn i didn't learn i should have no you know what i'll follow your lead on this but yeah no let's fuck it let's fuck him up you're a piece of shit you know that but even pieces of shit can be useful sometimes and i pull him out all right you used to be a real piece of shit can be useful sometimes. And I pull them out. All right. She used to be a real piece of shit. It is going to be everything's turn, and everything is going to see that the big hole in the wall, where there used to be a wall,

everything is going to decide to stretch themselves out and try to fill that space and rebuild the wall. And they rolled a 14. They don't hate you. They just get paid. I think Glenn needs to bribe everything. Do demons have money? I don't know.

They definitely have Bitcoin. Yeah, not with that attitude. Okay, so. They have, wait, wait, dead people have crypto. Crypto. Crypto. Crypto. Crypto.

Crypto. Crypto. You get an inspiration for that. Heck yeah. Okay, so everything stretches themselves kind of thin, but manages to fill up the big hole with their fleshy form. Their fleshy, ball tape ass form. So I said I would help you,

but if they start slashing at me and cuts happen, I'm gone. I gave you, you know. Oh, that's not wall then. I just say, I don't want it to hurt you.

Just don't be a dick. Just pay me. They are aware that there's a lot of rampaging elephants right here, right? Yeah, yeah. They're not thinking this through.

I think they're a teen also, if I remember correctly. Oh, no! So now, it is on to the kids. So the kids are in their van hiding do you want them doing anything how many turns does it take them to get from there to the portal so maybe it was a clear say like two okay so yeah they're not they're not driving yet okay so they're just hanging out now the bounty hunters they're just the rando bounty hunters that he hired they see that the oak valians have been

healing the elephants and so they just know because they're professional killers if you're ever in a combat situation you always target the healers first so 30 bounty hunters are going to try to 30 bounty hunters yeah sorry they're going to shoot arrows at 20 oak valians we'll see how it goes stop what if they didn't what if not that so about half of them actually hit so we'll say that's like 2d8 of missile damage from the crossbow bolts that they send kind of like at the end of fucking hero they all aim in the same basic direction and then they loose at the same time so it's just a fucking wave of projectiles going through the sky towards the oak valians who go steadfast steadfast the missiles

pepper the ground around them and some of the oak valians take arrows to the chest or to the leg or to the arm but as far as you can tell they are still standing they're all bloodied they're in a bad shape but they are still standing they're still alive and they go is that is that the best you got and now it'll be mpaa and the red brand trailers jesus we did a lot of shit in this podcast, huh? Yeah. Boy, oh boy. Pissed off a fair few people.

So they're probably worried about the crab mech because they've never seen anything like that before. So they're going to go ahead and aim their crossbows and fire at the crab mech. Oh, you touch Walter. Oh my God. Fucking, let's see what arrows do to a tough steel tank. Am I right?

Am I right? Sure. If any of them critted, they would have gotten through, but not a single one of them critted so 20 volleys of arrows fly at walter in his crab mech and they all plink harmlessly off the sides and it is now walter's turn it goes it's walter time and he is going to charge toward the downed dragon and he's going to grapple the dragon and prevent it from taking off. Oh, there we go. There we go. Walter knows what he's doing. An 18

and a natural to the wind hang. Oh, yeah, baby. Walter goes, this is the time you say the bitch. And he lashes out with the two claws, grabs it by its pixelated neck and its pixelated tail and he just slams it down onto the ground and this thing is grappled and

it cannot take off unless it escapes on its turn. It's like a big paperweight. It's a very big paperweight. And now, finally, in the initiative, it is Willy. Willy is just going to Willy roll the lowest. Willy roll a natural one. Oh, did somebody have a bad dream? We already won. We already won. Somebody had a bad dream?

That's great. Alright. The way that this portal thing is going to work is that basically any of the Omega Daddies can essentially roll an attack against the portal. The portal is going to have its own separate HP. Once that portal goes to zero, the portal is finito. It is done, it is destroyed, and you will never get back to Earth. So on Willy's turn,

he is going to cast an attack against the portal, and he is going to do 73 damage, which is a lot. For the portal? For the portal. How does he do to it? What does he do? Is he swinging his shit around? So he closes his eyes

and when he opens his eyes again, they're black and he just fucking points at the portal and a beam of just purple hatred just shoots out of his finger and glances through the portal and you can see the portal react almost as if in pain,

and it shrinks down a little bit. Is it bloody? Is it bloody? More than half the portal's HP is gone. What the shit? Does it have a sound effect? Yeah, it goes... Now we're back up to Radiolab.

He's going to try to escape. And he does, and he kills Walter. He fails. Gravel Creature can still attack. So pixelated Radiolab the dragon is still pinned to the ground, but it's going to go ahead and lash out with its multi attack against Walter and the crab. Oh, God, I forgot. It has three attacks.

So it's going to bite and then use each of his claws once. And both of them are plus 17 to hit. Yeah, all three of them hit. They're going to do 56 damage. Okay. His claws slash through the metal of the crab's apparatus, opening a gash across its belly, and its bite crunches down on the head of the crab,

like in the same place that you'd put a knife in a lobster to kill it instantly kind of thing. It takes a lot of damage. It's not looking great, but it is still a move-in. How much HP does the crab have? So the crab started with 215 and just took 56. Okay. Now it's Autumn's turn.

Autumn's going to hold her turn until you all do something because she's also got healing spells and stuff. Okay. Okay, so now it's Daryl's turn. I want to drive into the fortress. Okay. As I'm driving, I'm going to throw the sword as an attack at the dragon. Okay. And since I have perfect throw, I'm going to literally throw it to dig into the ground right within arm's reach of Walter.

Into the ground or into the monster? Well, into the dragon where the dragon's pinned on the ground. The dragon's a piece of paper. Oh, that's right. I forgot it's two-dimensional.

Yes, it's just like it's going to just go. You're almost certainly going to miss unless you were right next to it and you know how to do it. So, yeah. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

The dragon is flat on the ground, though. That's true, yeah. You just have to, like, arc it up in the right way. If I'm going to drive over the dragon, just throw it straight down.

Okay, great. Yeah, sure. So, as you unsheathe it up in the right way. If I'm going to drive over the dragon, just throw it straight down. Okay, great. Yeah, sure. So as you unsheathe it, you hear the familiar voice of the katana of Khan going, ah, what are we doing today? Who are we going to kill? I mean, we're killing

a vicious dragon. That's one of the main bad guys that's trying to stop. You say he's a bad guy. What makes it such a bad guy? Do you think children should be allowed to go home? Yes, of course.

Okay, well, here's the question. Did he choose this life? Do you know, Fossotan? The dragon? Yes. I mean, does anybody choose their life ever?

That is a fair question. At the end of the day... If anything, that is an argument against killing anyone. At the end of the day, you're just responsible for your own actions.

And right now, this dragon is trying to kill my good friend and is trying to stop me and the fellow dads from getting home and bringing our children home to their mothers

and our families. All right, roll persuasion. Remember, you have eagle's charisma or whatever. Eagle's splendor. What do I get? I get advantage? You get advantage on charisma checks.

Oh, well, that was a 17. So the Catan of Count says, you make a very fair point. Children are the future. We know this to be true. And so it is far more important to save the lives of your many children than this person, regardless of how sad their backstory may be. And who knows? It may not be.

So, yeah, you drive over. And I think this is because you're not throwing it's not a spiral thing you will have to make a dexterity check see if you can like time it properly to like drop it on the ground oh 18 plus one so great nice so you perfectly walter the sword's for you and just tell it you're a good guy just you know okay i'm a good guy you'll get it when you pick it up okay okay so whatever so radio lab shrieks in static pain as it becomes four bit oh i don't even know what that would look like but sure uh yeah yeah you have it's fit it looks like a game boy dragon yeah it's now only two colors, it's shrieks in pain as you throw the Katana of Khan directly into its form. And it goes from four hundred and forty six HP to two hundred and twenty.

All right. All right. That'll be one attack. I mean, I get like move and then attack. Yeah. And then continue to continue. Yeah. Yeah.

OK, so yeah. So I scream to Aaron to have her trees make some sort of ramp to help me over the rubble. She goes, got it. Operation ramp. Everybody. So on her turn, that will happen. erin to have her trees make some sort of ramp to help me over the rubble of the wall she goes got it operation ramp everybody uh so on her turn that will happen i guess in that case i'm just essentially kind of in that area waiting for the ramp to appear for her turn okay then i'll use my second attack to who are the guys that are most okay for me just to throw a grenade and blow them up you got like 10 red brand trailers and mpa left you got like 10 bounty hunters you got four of the lance's men and the lance himself so i yeah i think earlier i may have

said 20 or 30 that's actually their hp that's not how many there are so yeah there's there's not that many the water mice were the good guys what am i they're all currently elephants they're all to use this passive perception to be like who's the most dangerous of these definitely the bounty hunters okay so yeah daryl's gonna shoot one he three left. He's going to throw one of his Glen grenades at the bounty hunters. Okay, go for it. I'm gonna wind up, so that means I gotta not roll a four now. Yeah, you gotta roll five or above. I rolled a two.

Oh no! So you hit yourself in the dick with a grenade. Roll whatever the damage for that grenade is, because it goes off. Oh, do I dead it? I thought we said that I was just gonna punch myself in the dick. He just disadvantaged on his throw because he punched himself in the dick going to punch myself in the dick. He just did it in John's throat because he punched

himself in the dick very hard with it because you didn't pull the pin yet. So I take damage of my, I should do my own unarmed strike damage

against myself. Yes, unarmed strike, you're nuts. I took 19 damage. Holy shit! Oh my god, I took 20! Grant took 28 damage!

Good arm on that boy! Grant's an only child. Yeah, wolf. Yeah, I hope you weren't planning any more kids. You want to talk about an arc? We went from a bunch

of weenies to a guy who punches himself in the nuts so hard he would have insta-killed any of us at the beginning of this adventure. I took 28 damage. I jerked off harder than you.

Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, and then I throw. I still get a throw. I just get disadvantage now. Okay, so yeah. So now make a ranged attack with disadvantage.

You don't get to use your spiral thing. Oh, okay. So I ranged attack with disadvantage. Well, I mean, disadvantage still get a throw, I just get disadvantage. So now make a ranged attack with disadvantage. You don't get to use your spiral thing. Ranged attack with disadvantage. Well, I mean, disadvantage, the first one I rolled was a one. Okay. So critical fail with a grenade that you pulled the pin on. That shit bobbles out of your hand into

the fucking carriage of the van. Fuck. You have exactly one second to decide what the fuck to do. I open the automated doors and I fucking do a power drift to fucking fling that grenade out of the car. Automated doors move really slowly. I feel like also it fell into the passenger side seat and those doors aren't

automatic so you could lean over and just try to wrench that open. Yeah, that makes sense. So give me a dexterity check for wrenching that open. I'm so anxious. It was a natural 20. Oh! For the first one. For the dexterity one. Okay, great. So you open the door real good Yes Okay

So the door is very open now Now animal handling to see If you can get this live grenade I got plus six on minivan handling Is specifically what we called it Okay great 17 plus six Yes

Woo Alright dude Deja vu You perfectly drift this shit Bullshit The grenade comes flying out It doesn't hit anything Really Important Yeah it doesn't hit anything really important yeah it doesn't

anything important because you panicked and immediately sort of swerved but at the very least you saved yourself from taking a tremendous amount of damage both you and the fake kids in the fucking car because they all would have been jumping i scream since i'm near the like entrance i'm hoping willie can hear me i go oh god oh all the kids almost died that would have been such a shame i almost just grenaded all the kids oh god i'm glad my dad daryl didn't see that so it's payton's turn now what is the save for getting out a whole person it's like a wisdom save or some shit wisdom 18 oh okay he definitely fails that so he's just not quite wise enough to realize that the barriers are in his mind the restraints are in his mind. The restraints are in his mind. He just goes, It's so sad. It's fine.

He was a 60-year-old man. Now it's Bill Close's turn. So Bill Close says, I could come up with a plan on my own, but I'm dumb as fuck, and that's something I've learned. So, Glenn, what do you think I should do?

I just have Bill clear out all the mobs. Yeah, everything's right there, too. Yeah, tell Bill, tell everything that they're fired. That actually makes a weirdly simple amount of sense. Yeah, okay, bill gets up he goes everything everything hey what's up and everything they go i'm trying to keep my like self-tense so that nobody could get in and bill goes uh no we won't be having need of your services anymore and everything's like so i'm fired and he goes no no no you're just your contract's up but the bennies and she goes yeah he's there were never any Benny's.

We just expected you were going to die. So, yeah. Best of luck in future endeavors. Fuck off. And so everything's like, gee, it's fucking this fucking gig economy. Fuck. Kill me. And everything goes back to their normal size.

And then Bill pulls out the phone. He's like, hold on. I need to leave a tip on the app. Bad. Bad. Yeah. Everything goes like, hold on. I need to leave a tip on the app. Bad attitude. Yeah, everything goes like, okay, well, fuck it then. And just starts to walk away. Does he have another move? That was just a bonus action.

He was just talking. Yes, that was a bonus action. I won the target. Holy shit. So he's a bard? Yeah. I didn't know this. Bards have a ninth level spell called Power Word Kill.

Yeah. I mean, everybody he would want to use that against right now has more than 100 hp but certainly something to keep in mind yeah yeah i just want to try and use them to debuff as many of these ads as we can if you just like stun the whole group that'd be great because then we just worry about the two okay he's also got psychic scream what the hell is that let's find out up to 10 creatures he can stun okay how long are they still stunned until they save at the end of their turn. Otherwise, indefinitely.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So every turn they get a chance to try. Yeah. I want them to use that. It's not just like an area. It's like any 10 creatures. Like who do you want me to stun?

Who do you want me to use this shit on? We're saying the bounty hunters are the most dangerous. I'm tired of the bounty hunters. So he'll just stun every single bounty hunter. They have to try to make a save, an intelligence saving throw. So all 10 of them will make an intelligence saving throw. And they are not known for their intelligence. Two of them save.

Everybody else goes like, what if the green you see is like the different green, like my blue is what you, you know what I'm saying? And you hear eight men go, whoa! Now we are on to Liz Warden

and her knights. With the wall down, you can see that they are in a phalanx formation protecting Liz Warden. We paid your taxes, Liz Warden. What do you want from us? So Liz Warden says, you paid the wealth tax, but now it's time you pay the blood tax. And so she went, Bill Close, he's a betrayer. He's betrayed the Colossus. Fuck him up.

Fuck him up. And so they are going to- That was a bad decision on her part. And she's pointing at all of them. She's betrayed the Colossus. Fuck him up. Fuck him up. And so they are going to attack Bill. She's pointing at all of them. She's pointing at everybody. Yeah, she's pointing individually at every single person she wants attacked. All but one of them hit Bill Close. They run up to him. They raise their swords and they bring them

down horde on Bill Close and each of them does 11 damage. Holy shit. They cut into his shoulders, into his legs. One gets some flank off of the side, and Bill Close takes, oh, wow.

He takes 55 damage out of a maximum of 123, so he's not looking great. Oh, God. Literally don't care. Henry. Where is everybody? Are they on the wall? They're not on the wall anymore.

There's no wall anymore. So they're on the ground. So I'll give you clock readings. So nine o'clock and three o'clock, you're basically the remains of the wall. Okay. So everything behind nine o'clock and three o'clock is just elephants and shit. At 10 o'clock, you got Liz Warden and the Knights.

At 11 o'clock, you got the Lance and his boys. At 12 o'clock, you've got 10 bounty hunters, all stunned, looking confused, in front of the three-ring circus. One o'clock is MPAA and the Red Baron trailers. And then outside of the Stronghold, beyond the walls, that's where Radiolab and Walter are fighting.

This feels like Jez Ball time to me. I think so, yeah. Fucking divvy up this army a little bit with some Jez Ball. I don't remember how that spell works. Do you have to roll or do anything for that shit or it just happens, right? You have to play Jez Ball. I mean, you used to make me play Jez Ball. No, you've graduated. You've evolved beyond that, William. You've conquered Jez Ball. The Jez Ball-y

has become the Jez Ball-er. I'm Jez'd. The wall is six inches thick and composed of ten 10 foot by 10 foot panels 17 feet's not very much you might be able to it's not very much yeah i think you can wall off like one quadrant so and it was liz okay let me see it was liz warden and her knights there's five of them they are the strongest moves by far okay and they're not uh have not been harmed in any way okay yeah i'm gonna box them off okay cool Can I make that a complete square around them? Sure.

Okay. Okay, so Liz Warden and her knights for the second time see some goddamn crunchy munchy fucking guy who looks like he shouldn't know magic at all

expertly bring up a wall of fire. Oh, this is stone, not fire. Oh, this is stone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were doing wall of fire.

No, I'm doing wall of stone. Oh, wall of stone. Okay, whatever then. So used to putting others behind brick walls, the imprisoners have become the imprisonees. They don't much care for it as the walls come up around them. What are they, 50 feet

tall, would you say? It's like four walls, 25 feet by 25 feet, essentially. Yeah, that's pretty fucking high. And they're made out of stone. Perhaps their own narrow-minded view of the prison industrial complex is what also finds them in this very predicament, isn't it? That's what led to it this reason and no other is why we should abolish prisons is because this might happen to you one

day the 25 feet walls spring up around liz warden and her knights and they are confused and they are fucking angry erin is going to take her trees and do exactly what was requested of her she's going to have them sort of join their arms together and basically kneel in an ascending height. They interlock their branches and create a ramp out of wood that goes over the debris. And if you drive on the ramp,

basically, as long as they're there, as long as they're in that position, you're not going to have to move through difficult terrain or have trouble getting over. You can just drive on the ramp and you'll be able to sail straight into it.

Including our kids. That's the most important thing. Yes. Now it is Ron's turn. We're headed straight towards these stunned bounty hunters right now so if you have anything actually okay so i'm gonna remember you got your fishing line yeah i've got my fishing line and my good thing and i've got my sharp ass knife too i am going to and you're hidden and i'm hidden i'm gonna use my incredibly powerful legs to sort of like straddle, just sort of like toad straddle the underside.

Beth just mibed that. I know. Something none of us can unsee. You can hear it. You're welcome. To sort of toad straddle the underside of this elephant. Okay. Meanwhile, both hands engage with weapons because I've got dual weapon fighting.

Okay. And so in my left hand, I've got the super sharp fucking knife thing that stabbed Aaron. Mm-hmm. And then in my right, Ron's dominant arm, I have the fishing pole with the spear tip. Mm-hmm. Yes. And so I'm literally just going to hold them out both straight and hope they skewer a few fucking

bounty hunters on the way in. Okay. How does sneak attack damage work? Since you're hidden and you're doing this, do you get sneak attack damage? It means if she hits them, you get to more damage, right? It doesn't make you more likely to hit.

It just hurts more when you do. Which I wish I had known about. Okay. An extra 8d6 damage. What? Jesus. You literally went from 0 to 8d6 damage. What? Jesus. You literally went from 0 to 8d6 damage on these attacks, my god. We're level 15 now.

I'm a big girl now. There's five more levels. You could become super gods by the end of this game. Good thing we're getting out of here. Otherwise, the power would get to our heads. We would rule the school. That's a 2. Oh.

14. Plus. Plus 7. Yeah. Whoa. Okay. So my dc is plus nine you definitely feel a jolt in your arm as the tip of your fishing rod spear makes contact with flesh and so yeah you go ahead and roll your fucking monstrous amounts of damage on this stunned bounty hunter actually no let me roll a d10 and if it gets a one or two it's one of the conscious ones got a 10 so this is a stunned one but go ahead and roll your damage i'm almost certain you're gonna melt him so the initial

attack is a d4 is 1d4 plus 2 okay so that's three damage so far okay and then the sneak attack is 8d6 he melts you feel the spear jolt and for a second there's a little bit of tension and then just all the give in the world as his body just turns to fucking jelly around your goddamn spirit and then let's see as a a bonus action i hide so there's a split second where two weapons come out of the bottom and a guy gets killed they go back in under the fucking all nine of them are like oh my god we're about to get traveled by an elephant and then like i guess we did it but then one's dead i want to jump in real quick just to catch something when she's hidden and she attacks, she gets advantage on attacks. And then you

get sneak attack on any attack you have an advantage on. Oh, okay, great. So because I'm hidden, I get advantage on my attack roll for stealth. Okay. And so I'm going to roll again. Okay, yeah. So this is for the knife. You destroyed the first person. The Aaron stabbing knife.

Or it's called the cut to the chase is whatever fake name I made up for it. This is legitimately a 19. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So I'll roll again for the damage for the person on the left. He too, that knife goes into him.

Also like the base damage for that knife was obscene. Plus your 8D6, that knife goes through so clean and so quickly that he doesn't realize what's happened and much like in an anime or whatever a samurai movie he's just walking he's like huh what and then and fucking blood just shoots out of his neck is that conscious one i'm gonna roll and find out oh uh so if i get a one or two five sorry it was another unconscious so he wasn't walking he just fell in half exactly fuck yeah, Ron putting the pain down.

All right, so sweet Matilda. No, what happened to her? You see her next to a large machine with wires coming out of it. Oh, no. Is that the nuke? That's the nuke. The metal gear.

Metal gear. That's the nuke. And a knight that you had not been tracking earlier, because I forgot to tell you. Okay. We had a bunch of bounty hunters we forgot to mention to Anthony. There's just one guy preventing it from happening. She got caught

when she was trying to destroy it. One of Liz Warden's knights saw her going for this nuke and basically hit her in the face with the blunt edge of his sword and blood is streaming down her face and he's got her at sword point and he's preparing to kill her. He's basically got her pinned down with his foot so she's going to try to break free.

Maybe kip up and do a move. Maybe kip up and do a move. So she manages to roll to the right just as he brings the tip of the sword down. Oh my god. Barely evades it. And she is going to... I don't know what this is,

but I promised that when I thought she was going to be a bad guy that Sweet Matilda was going to have the stats of a challenge rating 10 bad guy. Yes. And so I just randomly selected, based on the name, it's called Death Kiss. It's apparently a small beholder. Whoa. And so I just randomly selected based on the name. It's called Death Kiss. It's apparently a small beholder. Whoa.

Usually this would be tentacles, but I'm just going to say it was just with her fucking jacked ass arms from fucking pouring pints out for a bunch of angry, shitty people and also carrying giant barrels

all day. Big old barrels being the bounce of her own fucking bar. Carrying all of Daryl's emotional baggage. Yeah, she did that quite a bit. Carrying her feelings for him and trying not to make it too awkward.

Beholder of my heart. Am I right, fellas? Yeah. So she makes three attacks. So against the knight, two of them hit. She raises back her fist and decks him with her left hand.

The knight's head just goes spinning because it's, you know, just a gelatinous orb inside of a parachute. Oh, that's right. And it goes, woo, woo, woo, the fucking head goes spinning.

And then she stops it with her hand and with her other hand, you see her just like raise a fist and then instead of punching, she raises up two fingers within the fist and then she stops it with her hand and with her other hand you see her just like raise a fist and then instead of punching she raises up two fingers within the fist and then and puts her two fingers inside of the three stooges and puts her two fingers inside like where the neck of the thing would be and she's going to use blood drain and it has to make a dc16 constitution saving throw gets a natural 20 unfortunately but otherwise she would have been able to suck its blood and regain some health points from that.

Whoa. And it basically doesn't work because it's just a weird gelatinous thing. She's like, oh, oh, ow, it's not a person. Oh, disgusted, disgusted. But still, she manages to do 14 damage to it, which it's not enough to kill it, but it's pretty good. Okay, now it's Dadkilla's turn.

So Dadkilla is going to see Henry astride an elephant and can figure out that Henry's behind all this. So Dadkilla is going to wave his fingers about and he's going to say, I have big fangs, I have a big brain, and now it is time for the soul drain. And he is going to make a ranged attack against you with a plus 15 to hit. So a red bolt sizzles into the square of your back. Now make a DC 23 constitution saving throw. Fucking hell. That would be a 12. Okay, so I'm sorry. You have to roll 10 D6 and add seven necrotic damage.

Okay. Well, you're still big. Plus seven. Okay, so I take 32 damage. Okay, so it gets 32 health points back. But it hadn't lost any. But just so you know, that's a thing you can do if it recharges it. Okay.

Hypothetical. If we're both controlling this elephant, could I maybe use my uncanny dodge reaction to have the damage by searing the elephant? Yeah. You're going to dodge the elephant. Yeah. All right. What do you do to dodge the elephant by like steering the elephant. Yeah. You're going to dodge the elephant. Yeah. All right.

What do you do to dodge the elephant and communicate to the elephant that you got a hard right turn? I'm again strapped with my extremely powerful legs to the underbelly of this elephant. And I basically tickle one side. Okay. The elephant goes,

and it turns to the right. So Henry, yeah, you take half of that. Oh, okay. Thanks, Ron. But now Dadgula's seen that, and that shit ain't going to work on him again. He knows to lead his shot a little bit. It is the Oakvallians' turns.

They are going to... Maybe go for the Redbrand? Redbrand trailers, yeah. I think maybe the ones who got hit by the last attack fall back and heal themselves. Okay. And then the rest of them go forward to attack. Okay, so half of them go back and they heal themselves,

back up to 20. And then the other half, so 10 of them, go after the 10 Redbrand trailers, and they're all going to use Thorn Whip, which is a plus four to hit, and five of them hit, and that's going to be 1d6 damage. So whatever, that's 5d6 damage done against those guys.

That's something. Okay. That was more useful. Hopefully the Redbrand are just not fighting them. 1d6 damage so whatever that's 5d6 damage done against those guys so that's something okay that was more useful hopefully the redbrand are just now fighting them it all goes to one person is enough to kill

one of the redbrand trailers okay so 10 of the oakvallians just go like no and they just run up and just start hitting him with thorns and vines

that they have in their hands it's not even using it magically they're just like slapping him over and over and he gets a bunch of cuts and dies that's how I want to go. And now it is the Lance's turn.

So the Lance is going to turn his men to look around and goes, where's Wilson? Where's Dale Wilson? He broke a pact. He broke a pact and that must be avenged. And he's going to turn and he sees Grant Wilson in the driver's seat of a van and goes goes your skin was to be taken

and eaten and I will have what I am owed throw me and his friends are like what? and he's like throw me

yo this version of the Lance kicks ass he's definitely like matured a bit in the time since the beginning he certainly cares

a lot more so I had all four of his friends roll and I figured I would take the best and one of them rolled a natural 20. Oh my god. They hurl the lance and he sails through the fucking air gracefully with his arms outstretched. Pure hatred. He lands on the

fucking front of this odyssey in not quite blade pose. It's like the fantasy equivalent of the blade pose which is more of a ballet kind of thing where he like lands on a tiptoe and then slowly descends down to the tier level he points through the the windshield at you daryl and he goes your skin is mine and he punches up the windshield and he's like an old guy so it's probably not gonna get through hit the wipers daryl he makes a 10 so he cracks the glass with his fist and his fist immediately begins to bleed. That's his turn.

Daryl just flicks him off. What a rude teen. Rude teen. Rude teen. This teen driving a minivan flipped me off. The unmitigated goal. All right, now it's the elephant's turn. 30 ran off, 70 remain.

The other 70 elephants are like, I don't know what to do. What are we doing? Where do you want to direct these fucking 70 angry elephants? Where's the biggest concentration of people? That are bad guys.

That would be the bounty hunters. That would be the town square. Or actually, it'd be the red brain trailers in terms of conscious people who matter. We'll send them after the red brain trailers.

Okay. Trample, trample. I mean, can we like split up the elephants into three groups and have like three groups of... Yeah, well right now you said 70 people need to trample 20 groups and they have like three groups of... Well, right now you said 70 people

need to trample 20 men. And they do. Oh, you bet they do. As long as we did it. As long as we did it. So the MPAA was like, I just wanted to play good music. And his fucking Red Ranch Riders just get completely

obliterated under the angry... And somewhere Dan Carlin narrates the story of the war elephants which crossed the Alps. When Hannibal... Yeah, they are fucking done for. MPAA and the Red Band Trailers are no longer an issue.

This band is not yet rated. All right, it's Barry's turn. Barry sees Autumn coming directly for him, knitting needles in hand, fire and hatred in her eyes, just sprinting for him dead out. Terminator 2 style? With like the things, the hook arms? Yeah, the hook arms. The Dax hands?

Sure, yeah, yeah. I was thinking more of like in Braveheart or whatever, where it's like a bunch of people are fighting, but like fucking Braveheart sees like one guy and he's like, That's always how it happens. Can you roll perception to see if he sees how Autumn looks at Ron? Yeah, he sees how Autumn looks at Ron. And weirdly, despite the fact that he doesn't seem to give a shit about Autumn at all,

he's deeply jealous. He also looks at Ron that way. He's immediately envious of Ron and furious. And so he is going to point at Autumn and cast Sunburst. She's going to have to make a constitution saving throw. Is Sunburst the one where you show your butthole to the sun? Yeah, he points at his ex-wife. He's absorbed the energy of the sun into his butt, and nowole to the sun? Yeah, he points at his ex-wife

and says... He's absorbed the energy of the sun into his butt and now he's gonna shoot it out his butt at his ex-wife. At his ex-wife. God damn, he's so fucking cool.

So yeah, he basically... That was the cut that out of marriage story, actually. Somebody on Twitter would take a picture of that and be like, mood? Yeah, he does downward dog

and a beam of sunlight hits Autumn and she takes 12d6 radiant damage. And she is blinded. My mom! Blinded? She's blinded for one minute. Blinded by the light. Alright, so she's gonna take 44 damage

and she's blinded for a minute, but at the end of each turn, she gets to roll a constitution save and if she saves, then she's not blinded anymore. Glenn, it's your turn. Okay, so I just want to yell, I want to cast mass suggestion here.

Okay. This is, I suggest a course of action so I can influence up to 12 creatures of my choice, so, like, find me 12. Do the lance, since the lance is trying to... Ooh, I feel like this is going to take care of itself, though. He's an old man on a car. He's an old man on a car.

He could possibly go wrong. That's true. I take one look at an old man, kind of like, ooh, on the old man on a car. He's an old man on a car. He could possibly go wrong. That's true. I take one look at an old man kind of like, oh, on the top on the hood of a,

by the way, a very steep hood on the Honda Odyssey there. It's not a big luxurious. Yeah, it lands his wife off any moment. You know, he's only onto

a windshield wiper. I'm not worried about that. Hood as steep as those odds. You know what? I'm going to rush in because I heard about this nuke.

So I want to head in and help sweep Matilda. Oh, that's a good idea. Okay. So you you rush in what is nicholas doing i'll tell you exactly what nicholas is doing nicholas isn't on stage fucking ripping the eruption solo this entire time are you kidding yeah every single time i look back i'm like fuck he got good did you and jody just tell him like we'll handle this and just keep fucking playing don't stop the beat yeah warrior so you head towards the nuke and sweet matilda and the remaining night and as the night sees you approach he's going to use his reaction to call out to willie and say which translates to and willie can understand this they're coming for the big box the big angry box i'm gonna cast auto's irresistible

dance on this and this person is this a humanoid yeah i would say it's a human i'm sure uh one creature i can see within range begins a comic dance in place shuffling and tapping its feet capering it's just gonna sit there in all of its movement without leaving its space and disadvantage on deck saves and attack rolls and all the creatures have advantage on attack rolls against it great it just starts doing fucking russian sailors dance uh right where it's standing yeah it's very irritated uh i need to jump in with one thing. Okay. When Henry cast the walls, that broke concentration on his last spell, which was holding Peyton. Oh, okay. Good to know.

I will take note of that when we come back around to Peyton's- Okay. We'll get the note. Shit. Yeah. Good to know. Shit. Henry, when you broke concentration, you were higher in the initiative than Jody.

So Jody sees Hayden immediately shake himself free or itself, ex-Payton, this large zombie, shake itself free and go, and it grabs an elephant and just bites its fucking head off. Oh my God. And blood comes out of it, just squeezes it like a fucking jelly baby.

Well, okay. That elephant does turn back into a person. So we see who still has a head. And it's just like, that felt very weird. Oh no, that felt so weird because it turns back into a person with all the time Is wig the fuck out it was canary After Barry fucks us all over that's why you never heard an elephant. I wanted to find myself after Barry fucked us all over.

That's why you never heard from me. I wanted to find my own way in the world. Oh, I'm so proud of you. That's great. That sounded fun. So I went and I went back in your shit again. Okay, so Canary just fucking bolts. And once again, it is Jody's turn.

I'm going to go and try to attack zombie Payton with my whip. 26 to hit. You whip the Payton zombie across the face and the Payton zombie goes, Fair. Payton language. the face, and the Payton zombie goes, Fair. Payton language. It hurts a fair amount. And Payton zombie's attention is entirely on Jody right now. The kids are still hiding?

I think so. They're just waiting. So now it is going to be the two non-stunned bounty hunters' turns, and they are going to see that their friends are stunned, and I'm going to make them make a roll to not wuss out and leave nice they got a two they immediately go fuck fuck this this is not worth no paycheck is worth this i'm out i'm out as they're going they're like but like what if every color that we see it was don't know don't think about it too hard you look like you'll end up fucking like them they're about to get fucking trampled down

just go just move on okay now the other ones are going to try to make saves. Three of them do save. So now you've got three stunned dudes and three guys are going, wait a minute. It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. Because, right, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah, it's a relatively. Whatever you think looks right to you.

It's to you. Yeah, it's to your own perception. All reality is perception. Yeah. So don't fucking waste my time with that shit. I feel like actually. They realize you like whoever said that he put that in their head a long time ago has already left they're like oh wait there's an

elephant behind them now and two of their friends are dead it is walter's turn walter is going to try to maintain his grapple on this dragon and also attack it with the cont sword oh sure okay so he'll use one of his lever actions to let go of the dragon with one claw and pick up the consort. And the consort goes, oh, hello, robot man. What is going on? And Walt goes, I'm not a robot. I'm a bullywug. And the consort, oh, how delightful, a bullywug.

I've never met such a thing before. What is your name? Walt said, the immoral. Oh, that's going to be a very interesting quandary then. An immoral bully work. Now, why do you think I should allow you to stab this little thing? Look how pathetic it is. It does not even have a third dimension.

And more than that, it is already pinned. It is harmless. It is of no use. And Walter goes, it killed my son. And he's going to roll intimidation. He gets an 18 and the sword's like, yeah, fair enough. Yeah, fair enough. Okay, cool.

Let's fuck him up. I can say something about the cycle of violence, but you know what? You seem very angry right now. Walter brings the sword down and Radiolab the dragon goes from 223 health to 100 and... Just getting lower and lower resolution.

Oh, you rounded up. I knew you would. 112 HP. Sounds like money. And it screeches again. And it almost looks like missing no now. It's just all fucking glitches and shit. It's like a graphical error.

It's going to try to maintain its grapple. Ooh, seven. So on Radiolab's turn, it's going to be able to break free. Finally, in the turn, it is Willy. Fuck. You all see as Willy looking around, seeing that the tide is beginning to go in a direction he doesn't quite like,

takes a small remote out of his robe, and he presses a button. On the machine, on this weird nuclear machine, you see numbers light up on its exterior, and it says three. Wait, three seconds? Three rounds? Three rounds.

It is counting down. You have three more rounds. Damn, they coded this bomb in D&D rounds. It wasn't D&D. three uh wait three seconds three rounds three rounds it is counting down you have you have three more coded this bomb so i guess technically it says 18 seconds 18 seconds well okay there's two signs one says 18 and then beneath it in parentheses it says 3 18 seconds is so much scarier than three fucking terrifying tell me in 18 seconds this nuke is going off yes in 18 seconds as radio lab the dragon roars its adorable 8-bit roar you telling me in 18 seconds, this nuke is going off? Yes, in 18 seconds, as Radiolab the Dragon roars its adorable 8-bit roar, you know that in 18 seconds, you and almost everyone you care about is going to be dead.

But it's probably going to take like an hour and a half to do those 18 seconds. Unfortunately, yes. Yeah, it's going to be all right. It'll be all right. Because that's just life. And if you die, it'll gonna be alright It'll be alright Cause that's just life Even if you die It'll be alright It's gonna be alright

It's gonna be alright It'll be alright Cause that's just life All you do is try It'll be alright Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson Anthony Birch is our DM We are right. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM.

Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. Jimmy Wong is Jody Foster and myself. Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Our theme song is All Right by Maxden Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing and sound design and provide the voice of an additional dad in the intro.

Rob and Rap is our transcriber. Thank you to all of our Patreon supporters who have supported this show directly. People like Madison Bows, Matthew, Kai, Riley Ellis, Le Cachou, Andrew Blunk, Angela Porter, Billy Smith, L Dragon, Hudson Colley, Jeremy D. Norman, Jess C., Zachary Phillips, Jack C44, Unur Rathn's daughter, Ziffendel, Polly Uno, Matt Sansweet, Roberta Bath, and Alan LaFollette. The next episode will be the season one finale. After that,

we're going to be giving all of you non-patron supporters a quick taste of the good life by doing a season one talking dad, where we'll go over the entire season. And then we'll be going right into a palette cleanser with a brief mini series. It'll probably be three parts that Will, Will will DM called Fetch Quest about four pets from our world who are flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to get back home. That one we're really excited about

because we'll all be playing dogs and one cat. And if you've been subscribed to our Patreon, you already know that Will is a heck of a DM. If you want a taste of that, definitely check out the Walter and Peyton one-shot that we did, which was a stretch bowl available to all patrons. That's at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads it's

not too late get in there before the season's over and when fetch quest finishes we'll be going right into season two so stay tuned for more details on that there may be of course a week off somewhere in there for christmas and new years and that's all i'm gonna say for now because we got the season finale coming up next episode our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com our twitter is dungeonsanddads our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies we will. Our Twitter is dungeonsanddads. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. We will see you all right back here October 19th for the season one finale. Have a good two weeks. There was a time when you could read between the lines. You know they never brought you down.

Never brought you down. brought you down. Never brought you down. Anyway, I deposit the non-dead kid safely. So all the kids! All the kids! Into a little field just off in the battle distance and I give them a wink, a thumbs up, and I go

do bad! And I fly off again. Do bad? I'm from hell!