Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 7 - The Battle Axe of Hatred

Episode Date: April 23, 2019

The dads help Nick retrieve a legendary weapon with their most cunning plan yet! Glenn reconnects with his son, Ron spends some quality time with Lizardboy Scales McStuffins, while Daryl and Henry commune with nature.This episode contains profanity, violence, drug/alcohol use, and animal cruelty/animal death.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Live from Neverwinter, this is Gartalk. I'm Gartalk. Today I'm talking about the four extraterrestrials and the white metal behemoth making their way across the Forgotten Realms. If anyone's heard anything about these four aliens, I am taking calls. If you've got anything to say, just call out of your window very loudly and I will hear you. Oh, we got a caller. Oh, they stuffed me for 13 barrels of beer.

They said it was a Daryl Barrel special, but I don't feel so special in the end. That is not helpful. Does anyone else have a lead on them? Oh, yep, we got another caller. You're on with Gartalk. They freed me from prison. They seemed pretty chill to me.

Ooh, well, given that they murdered my son, let's agree to disagree on that. Caller, you're on Gartalk. What do you got? Ooh, well, given that they murdered my son, let's agree to disagree on that. Caller, you're on Gartalk. What do you got? Ooh, yes, they were very curious about the many tomes I have within my library, which I carry upon my back. After checking out several books and getting a stern warning from me that failure to bring them back within the allotted time would result in their utter demise, they decided to go

to the city of Waterdeep, where they were immediately accosted by a band of brigands, one of which turned out to be Nicholas, the son of the one with the guitar and the stoner, the one that kind of doesn't do anything. He seems, he's that one's son. And they could be in trouble now. Thank you, Collar, that was great. That's all the time we have for today. This was

Gartalk on NPR, which stands for National Public Radio, which is the name of the giant I am standing on while I shout all this into the open air. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast where four dads from our world are flung into the forgotten realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, rock and roll dad. Dad fact for Glenn this week. dad, dad fact for Glenn this week. He knows Japanese as you heard from the previous episode because he took a bunch of Duolingo courses in preparation for the Glenn Close Trio's tour of

Budokan over in Japan. You know, like all good rock bands are going to play Budokan, but they got canceled because nobody gives a shit about the Glenn Close Trio in Japan. Turns out that their A&R guy caught that mixed up. Can I a glenn close trio question yeah you've mentioned that they're a cover band before yeah what do they cover like who do they cover oh just non-stop dad rock it depends on where they are they do a regional base or a cover thing so if it's down south they're gonna throw some skinnered in i see i see what do they have planned for budokan oh my goodness just japanese math rock oh sweet they're trying to get you know sort of ingratiated in acoustic sailing moon theme yeah it's just the beatles there's like we're gonna try and redo what

the beatles did hi i'm matthew arnold and i play uh daryl wilson the stay-at-home coach dad who's a barbarian and a little fun fact about daryl uh daryl's older sister's casey owns a massively successful brewery in Northern California. Whoa. Yeah. That changes a lot. It's called the Brew Dude, which is what Daryl always called himself. Oh. Yeah.

She's got a really good gimmick where every beer is like a really cool dude on the cover. So it's like Dale's Ale or like Gray's IPA and like they're all like a little logo. Wait, where is it? It's up in like Northern California. Oh man, she's out for blood in silicon valley yeah it's big it's like on the level of like stone brewery or like sarah nevada like it's because she's very very successful how does daryl feel yeah it seems like you resent that daryl definitely always makes sure that when there is a family event like his beer is the one that's in the cooler and if anybody has the brew

dude he takes it out and doesn't like it. Awkward thanksgivings in the Wilson household. Holy shit that's dark. It's good beer too. Here's a thing it's very good beer. If Daryl's being honest with himself is it better than his? Yes he's constantly trying to make beer that's better than his sister's beer. Holy shit.

That does not sound like one hoppy family. Oh there it was. We haven't started yet. We, there it was. Thank God you're not playing it yet. We haven't started yet. We haven't started yet. My name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather. Fun stepdad fact about Ron, and this is kind of a meta fact,

is that Ron has never played Dungeons & Dragons. However, he has played Seen It, you know, a famous movie trivia DVD game more than once. He's a big Seen It player, so don't mess. They call them Seensters in the community.

Is Ron good at Seen It? I mean, he's okay. He didn't know that Quentin Tarantino directed Reservoir Dogs, but he knew that it was a thing. Oh my God. He thought it was about actual dogs. Ron's the kind of guy who probably knows all the female actors and the trivia around them,

but all the male ones, he's like, I don't know. It's really specifically... I think he just won't admit that he knows like he's like he probably knows that brad pitt broke his arm filming seven and then had the like cast written into the movie but like he wouldn't say that wait is that true that is true actually yeah yeah i was gonna i was gonna like bluff it i was gonna be like no i just made it up that's dope as hell or like vigo mortison and fellowship of the ring he when he kicks the helmet he screams he broke his toe that's in two towers yeah shit all right everybody you just got stuffed motherfucker the first moment of this episode is gonna be daryl wilson jumping out of the minivan to his death that's it i clearly cannot be in a dungeon dragons

podcast anymore what's up everyone i'm It's your boy, Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, hippie granola, crunchy munchie, Birkenstock-wearing dad. There's some Birkenstock-related news we'll have to check in about in a second. Fun fact about Henry Oak, everyone's favorite hippie geologist dad this week, is that he does uh geology themed rap songs at the local kid at the kid science museum uh in san dimas his group is called hip-hop rocks but it's like rocks so uh some some of his i should have killed his kids when i'm taking henry with me when i jump out of the minivan. Some of his songs include In a Sedimental Mood. Oh my god.

That's not even rap. It's not even rap. It's like jazz rap. Yeah, it's just like this name's Jazz Standards. I like that it's not rap. He calls it a rap band but it's not rap. I'm not done. I'm going to skip. Keep going. Subduction Junction.

Wow. Very not rap. Metamorphic Power Rangers. Okay. And his hip hop name is Igneous B.I.G. I'm so upset. Igneous B.I.G. Henry Oak has never heard a Notorious B.I.G. song, but he Googled rap names and like then he was looking for one that sounded like he could squeeze a rock pun in there

you need to have somebody at some point in this adventure come up and point out maybe that Henry's appropriation of rap music is problematic and just make him go into an existential crisis I would if anything he just described even sound remotely like a rap that was very good y'all are

acting like you've never seen a white geologist or anything. Listen, I believe in Henry. I think he's going to make like, you know, a volcano and blow up. Oh, damn. Well, that clunker.

Ouch. Now I'm going to make like lava and flow slowly. Just kind of slowly freezing over millions of years. Hardening. Speaking of hardening, I'm Anthony Burch. Your daddy master. Yes.

You're the daddy master and you're here to stay. I love to play games with doofuses every day. So is everyone ready to start playing in this wonderful role-playing game we call Dungeons & Dragons? Yes. All right. Definitely.

All week. Take me away, Daddy Master. Holy smokes, Glenn. Is that Nick? Is that your son? Oh, hell yeah. Nick, nice blade landing. I'm going to roll down the window on my side

and lean out and be like, hey, Nick, nice blade landing. Sorry about dent down the window on my side lean out and be like hey nick nice blade landing sorry about denting your car daryl that's okay so the blade landing allows you to have one arm free right yes absolutely with his free arm he like reaches out for a high five oh yeah i fucking rock that high five super hard from wherever i'm sitting in the car that's a two roll on that high five so i I do whiff it pretty hard. It's cool. He gets your palm with his like middle finger. He's like, that's close enough. Nice. Hell yeah. Hey, Nick, could you maybe step off that hood there for a second?

I start getting out of the car and checking if it's dented. So Nick looks at Glenn and gives him like this guy kind of face. I give a nod. I know, right? Hey, man, guys, it's all good. This is must be supposed to be Nick. And like, I guess his new band or something. Let's all get out of here and, like, just hang out.

That was actually going to be my plan as well. Oh, nice. So you guys came to what? Just, like, hang out and see what you've been up to, dog. Perfect. That's what I was hoping. Do you guys want to go back to our hideout? Yo, sick.

You got a hideout. Do you want to meet the boss? Oh, there's a boss. Yeah. I mean, he sort of found me after the i was gonna get sold to some dude in water deep but uh we all got accosted by a band of and then as he's saying this a guy behind him is like are we gonna rob him or what nick turns around he's like no they're cool they're cool they're with me they're with me

nice in order for us to like not rob you are you guys cool with like either pretending to be or being criminals? Is that dope? Is that? Hi, Nick. It's Henry. I'm one of the dads. It's the granola square one. Oh, that one. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So young man. So you're saying you're some sort of criminal. You're some sort of highway man. Yes.

I was going to sort of clarify that with like moral like justification but like we don't hurt anybody we don't kill anybody i guys i'm i don't know if i'm comfortable pretending to be a criminal is that like are we gonna have to steal it are we gonna have to do crimes let me ask you something here uh uh henry you ever listen to any music that wasn't maybe purchased from the itunes store or the uh google play marketplace i don't see what that has to do with anything. I mean, I think that's just copyright violation. That's a little different than stealing. As a recording artist, you know,

that's taking the food out of the mouths of starving musicians. I'm just saying that you wouldn't steal a car. Yeah. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a DVD. In a way, you're stealing. Riding music is stealing. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's dope. It's the best kind of stealing but my point is you're already like criminally adjacent so like what's the big deal man i team teammates can we focus for one second here we were going to cross this bridge to get nicholas and there's two other kids that we need to save we don't need to cross the bridge anymore why don't you get your goddamn son in the car and let's drive to save our two children. So what are we doing? Why are we going to pretend to be criminals?

He sounds like a son. Get in the car. He sounds like a dick. We're here to rescue you, Nick. From for what? Well, it seems like you've been dragooned into a band of Riggins. No, no, no. Those words I've never heard before have no effect on me.

Sounds like someone hasn't been studying for the SATs enough to know what dragooned means. I throw a judging look at Glenn a little bit. I prefer to think of us as less brigand dragoons and more like bad boys with like a Z. But here's the whole thing. Can you get off the car, please? Just for one second while we're still talking.

Is he even holding the blade pose? Yeah, the entire time he's been holding the blade. So you're going to have to roll either persuasion or intimidation, whatever you think. It's probably just persuasion. I'm not going to hit him. That's a 13. Yeah, 13 will do it, I guess.

God, what a bummer. All right, yeah. So he jumps off, and he says, hey, guys, hold up. And he does a cool hand signal at all the other brigands and says, it's fine. They're tight. I'll vouch for them. It's cool.

And then he sort of leans over and whispers to you guys like, so here's the thing. I kind of can't leave or I'll die. You'll die? Yeah. So here's the thing. These guys, the guys I'm with, super tight. They seem very tight. Yes.

They're very tight. Their boss, the boss of bosses, not my boss, but that guy's boss. He like, he's like real cruel and he put a spell on me that basically like i have like an indentured servant to him until i like do a specific job for him and if i try to leave without that then like my head comes off it sounds like a position with not much room for advancement i have been in that position before and let me tell you that i um i sympathize with that uh Is the position opening up anytime soon? Yeah. I mean, we're always looking for more people. This is fabulous. There's a lot of slavery going on in

this world. You know, I'm still mostly committed first and foremost to freeing our sons. I think secondary goals, we should try to start some kind of like emancipation proclamation you know what i'm saying i talk a lot about it on my hip-hop album could you could you give us a line from from from uh the section where you talk about the emancipation proclamation in the context of geology for your hip-hop album the easiest improv prompt of all time it's from my song racism doesn't rock oh my god oh my god you know what's bolder than being older than a cold shoulder having guy with a couple folgers is not being racist because it's the basics that we're all equal. So save some of that for the sequel. Holy shit. Oh, man.

Oh, man. You did not pick easy to rhyme words. As a big fan of his albums, I was like, I really like that song, but just didn't have as much to do with rocks as his first album. He got away from what made him a brilliant actor, artist. If this is the end of 8 Mile, I would put the mic down and walk away. Guess I lose. What job do you have to do, son? Ah, well, there is a weapon.

A legendary weapon. Actually, you guys want to do this not on the bridge? Do you want to go back to our hideout? It feels like that'd be more comfortable. You got a green room back there? Exactly. Nice. We got a forest where we hang out in.

So a green room. Yeah, nice. Yeah, okay. So he leads you along. Assuming you're going to follow him in the hottest. Yeah, I think we should see what's some nice. We got a forest where we hang out in. So like a green room. Yeah, nice. Yeah, okay. So he leads you along. Assuming you're going to follow him in the hottest. Yeah, I think we should see what's going on. Maybe we can talk to this. I'm going to walk up front with my boy, my dude.

Nice. Yeah. Okay, so as you two are walking through the forest, he goes like, so what's been up, dad? What's been going on? Glenn. Yo, so sweet that we're on first name basis. Yeah, I don't know. It's been like pretty chill.

We've been like looking for Henry's kids. We found them. Then they like disappeared. There's a lot of like magical shit going on, man. Ron leads his head out of the window and says, Hey, Glenn, did you tell him about me hiding in my pants? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck did he just say?

It was pretty cool, huh? How is Ron's kid on the team? Is he a weirdo? Ron's kid plays with ferocity of someone who's trying to get back at somebody. He kicks the ball harder than anyone ever needs to kick the ball. He's like, no accuracy, all power. If we can get him right next to the goal, it's fine. And the other time, it's just an out of bounds.

Yay, that's my boy. I mean, my step boy that I have very little connection to. Makes sense. Anyway anyway we've just been like looking for all y'all uh you know because we all got separated and uh you know seems like you got a pretty good thing going on here these guys are pretty cool like they all got like weapons and like like a little army kind of like not it but we don't fight for stuff that's my favorite thing it's like we're like bad boys but we kind of just hang out most so like kind of like a band without ideology very similar to sort of post-punk 80s commercialism i dig it very much that

you're like new wave flock of seagulls huh we are the flock of seagulls of the sherwood forest whoa dang pretty cool i dig your outfits too thanks you want one oh dude these things are sweet it's got like a real steven tyler scarves thing going on hell yeah scarves are our main thing like the sheer number of scarves being used both the cover faces and necks ron was unaware that father son conversations could go on this long um while they're talking i raised my hand uh to the other guys inside the van inside the van i raised my hand and i look look at Ron and Daryl and I say hey guys can we have a quick stealth dad huddle? We're in the car. Let me just roll up

the windows here. Am I involved as well? Oh of course. Blizzard Boy Scales McStuffins of course you're involved. Thank you. I kind of forgot you were there I'll be honest. Yeah so did the DM. Not me. You're still in the passenger you're still shotgun. Hey guys I just want to put this out there call out an elephant

in the room as i see it it seems like there's a sort of energy between glenn and his son that i'm a little worried that at the end of this glenn is going to wind up enslaved in this thieves guild i just wanted to take the temperature on the other dads i was a little disappointed when i saw um nicholas there smoking the marijuana but uh one he's a good player on the team and i don't know he's just he's respecting his dad over there they, he's a good player on the team. And I don't know, he's just, he's respecting his dad over there. They're just having a good time. Is it respectful or is it, you know,

like I just, it stresses me out a little bit. I'm just going to put out that. You're saying that there should be more animosity between parents and their children. I was thinking the same, but I just didn't want to, you know. I'm not trying to throw shade on anyone's parenting style. Of course not, no, no, no.

It just seems like maybe Glenn is a little trying too hard to be his son's buddy instead of being his dad. And I'm worried that to throw shade on anyone's parenting style. Of course not. No, no, no. It just seems like maybe Glenn is a little trying too hard to be his son's buddy instead of being his dad. And I'm worried that like he might. And dads are not buddies. You know what, Henry? I hear you. I just think as a man, you should just tell him face to face.

Let me roll down the road. Hey, hey, Glenn. Henry's got something to tell you. I slow my pace a little bit and roll back in as a car rolls around. I'm going to do a cool like fun style lean on the car through the passenger seat. Hey, what's up, man? Nick slows his gate as well.

So he's walking next to you while this is happening. So he's definitely going to hear whatever you say. Oh, geez. Hi. Hi, Nick. How are you?

I'm doing great. Oh, I, you know, I had a kind of private thing I wanted to talk to your dad about. Is that okay? Yeah, go ahead.

He keeps walking with you. He doesn't move. Okay. Glenn, I'm not the best at confrontation or conflict. And so I'm going to do what's called a compliment sandwich. So I'm going to start by saying something really positive, which is that I love that you and Nick have such a close relationship

and you guys can talk about anything. Hold out my left fist for a fist bump from Nick. Fist bump complete. Nice. So here's the difficult part. Here's the meat of the sandwich. Yeah, all right. So it seems like Nick's in a whole heap of trouble here and we're just trying to figure it out man yeah okay

i just i'm a little i just want to make sure when we get in there that we're all first and foremost fully committed to helping our boys out man okay okay i think this is cool i think this was a compliment it's another compliment you owe me because we're at the top of the sandwich now maybe it's like a big mac yeah Yeah. There's like three buns. Wait, Big Mac has more meat though. In that case, Henry is worried that your son is trying to swindle you and get us all sold into slavery. That's not...

Whoa. That's the double patty part of this compliment sandwich. That's not what I was saying. You don't know me? Yo, Nick, you ain't gonna swindle us right no hell yeah yeah whatever man roll it roll a perception check if you don't believe me or an insight check i do not do that because i trust my i'm gonna roll a perception or insight check uh 14 uh you can tell that he is telling the truth as far as he knows so you're talking

about big max earlier you know you only talk about that mickey d's when you're hungry so you tell me that there's some weed up in here i'm telling you my father that there is something that is better than weed that is everywhere in this forest yo he like moves a branch away with his hand and reveals as if it was from a linear video game a beautiful forest clearing that has we're blinded by the sun and we're like slowly coming up with a horizon and it's like the bloom is all white. Does he have to boost us over a ledge so that there's enough time for the new zone to load?

We're all wiping our eyes. That's what the bloom is too. It's streaming in the textures and you see all the shapes of the landscape but the textures don't pop in so it's like... And all of a sudden they do and it's really pretty. Daryl sprays the windshield with a cleaner

so you can wipe it and get an extra good view of it. Oh, that's good. That is absolutely how I would hide a load basically you see this really thriving bandit camp with a lot of tents everywhere but that's not the thing that grabs your eye immediately what grabs your eye is that lining the paths between all the tents are these beautiful multi-colored flowers of every shape and size It reminds you of the fucking candy forest from Willy Wonka. And they're everywhere all around this camp. And Nick goes, yo, dad, pick a color. Like a purple. Okay. So he grabs a purple and hands it to you. And he goes, this one lets you levitate for five seconds. Yo, like real levitation, like in your head,

like for real, for real. What is it? How do you, what, what you grind it up? You sniff it, snort it. Uh, you eat it. You eat it. Yeah it uh you eat it you eat it yeah it dissolves on the tongue i dig it so it's gonna be there for a while i dig it yeah yeah i mean it's it's five seconds but yeah but it feels like it feels like a while it's high it dilates time but like basically like every flower here it does a different crazy thing depending on its color nice this place is the tits and i feel like i don't want to like throw shade but it feels like the rest of these sounds are kind of a bunch of fucking pricks and i feel like you and i should maybe find a way to just sort of chill here for as long as we can daryl is picking flowers but carol's gonna love this and he's picking a whole bouquet of

flowers for carol right now he stopped the car and i'm just picking flowers oh man yeah you know what i've spent some time with these guys i would say give them a shot some of them are cooler than you think yeah i do agree with you that's pretty wild so what's like the street price of this shit i'm saying can we move this oh i hadn't even thought about that that's why you're the dad yo we could go into the empire business season five breaking bad yo i love that season yeah that's a good season yeah so we could go into the empire business season five breaking bad yeah i love that season yeah that's a good season yeah so we could go get me out of my contract and then we could get into like building an empire building a whole gang business yo and we could just retire here and chill out frank lucas american gangster shit i love those movies so henry's not hearing this right you can

overhear that i feel like it's been a long time since you heard anything okay henry would normally be staring slack jaw gape slowly removing his sunglasses a la alan grant or ellie sadler in jurassic park but he he's picking his dad dar his dad radar is going off like crazy watching glenn wait is your dad dar something that finds dads or i can tell i can tell if any man on the street is a dad i have amazing dad dar so my dad dar is pinging based off this conversation i sneak over to uh daryl who's busy picking flowers and i'm like daryl i'm like i know i kind of came off like a prick earlier but like i'm getting seriously anxious vibes off of the glenn nick situation i just feel like glenn's not taking this very seriously and i feel

like nick is like you know i just you know like i try to be permissive with my boys but there's like permissive and then there's permissive you know i far be it for me to get into another dad zone but i'm just like i'm just putting that out there can you hold this bouquet really quick i'm gonna start another one really quick um wow, this is gorgeous. I know, right? It smells so good. I take a big whiff of the flowers. Oh, shit. Okay. Roll the d20. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, man. I got a natural one.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Okay. How many flowers did you pick? I mean, the size of a bouquet. Am I saying this correctly? Bouquet. Okay. did you pick i mean the size of a bouquet so how do you am i saying this correctly a bouquet okay i have a full bergen so if i say a word weird just bear with me make sure to put them on blast self-conscious about it so it's probably like 24 flowers and it's definitely every single color

i mean yeah i'm definitely trying to pick every color i could see you know trader joe's they have those like good like summer like a trader joe's, like a Trader Joe's bouquet. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Alright, let me, Jimmy's like going to type out all the things that are about to happen. Ron turns to Cern and says how you doing Cern? Cern's like I'm doing good. It's nice to see a dad hanging out with his kid and having a really

positive, it reminds me of what it was like to be with my kids. I had a very similar kind of relationship. We were very close. I don't care. I mean, that's interesting Cern. No, I heard you. I had a very similar kind of relationship. We're very close. I don't care. I mean, that's interesting, sir. No, I heard you. I heard what the thing you said first.

That was the one that sort of stuck. Okay. Good talk. So Henry Oak, the following things happened to you simultaneously.

Oh, no. It's not that bad. You only smelled it. So you begin to float off the ground. You immediately vomit all over yourself. You only smelled it. So you begin to float off the ground. You immediately vomit all over yourself. You become insanely paranoid

and you're sure that Daryl just tried to poison you with these flowers. Okay. Not only that, you think that you did die from the flowers. You were certain that you were dead. Ego death. If you say anything in the next five minutes of podcast time, you have to tell only the truth.

Okay. And you also forgot, between the truth okay and you also forgot between the end of last episode and right now you've forgotten everything apart from him handing you the flowers okay should i try to replay all those things at once right now it is up to you okay i didn't expect a one let me rewind a second you know i think he said something that like if you eat these flowers that's bad stuff happens, but I think it... Henry! What the fuck did you just do to me, you piece of shit? Ron!

Glenn! Nick and myself are going to notice this and be like, uh-oh, bad trip, bad trip, bad trip. Oh, shit, he went to do too much. Typical movie mistake. It's just a lot of those noises for a while. I mean, I guess we got gotta bring him down from the ground yeah get them get them like cover them with a blanket or something and just like this one

yeah we should go drug flowers nicholas they're drug flowers they're natural first of all these are drug flowers you have such a like stank in your voice when you say drug i was gonna give my beautiful wife drug flowers he was gonna poison his wife he poisoned me first kill him is this guy cool dad Is this guy cool? Dad, is this guy cool? Glenn? I mean, he's high as balls right now. Glenn, can you get a bottle of water or something for Henry here?

He's sweating his balls off. No water. Nothing. No, I'm not taking anything from that guy. It's not going to be me, Henry. It's going to be Glenn. I don't know why. It's going to be Glenn.

Ron, help out here. You kissed me. How did you feel about that? Pretty weird. Oh, shit. He's got all of them. Yo, if you want to ask him any questions that you want serious answers to that are honest, now would be the time to ask.

Henry, I didn't poison you. Bullshit, man. You've been out for me for forever. If I poisoned you, would I do this? I kiss him on the lips. Okay, well, all those things transfer to you then. Oh, my God. them on the lips. Okay, well, all those things transfer to you then. Oh my god! Why did you poison me, Henry? What's happening?

Cern, how you doing? Look at those people over there. It's them. They're running against me. And me. And you. I'm doing very confused. Should we help them? Henry, do you want my pants? give me the pants which pants all of them okay here you go

I just put on as many pants as I can I put them on my head on my arms I'm just I'm buck wild on these pants we're all trying to put on as many pants as we can guys Nick just turns to you Glenn and he's like you were right these guys are fucking tight as hell never mind they kind of know how to party

yeah apparently holy shit they really go hard i roll all i'm doing right now the only thing i'm trying to do is find where those charleston shoes are that's literally the only thing i want right now yeah go ahead roll roll an investigation i got an 11 well you know that they are on Henry's person. If you want to know exactly what I'm going to ask him. Chew. Chew? You're going to eat me? Chew.

The Charleston chews. They're right here. Just take them all. Just get away from me. And I just start throwing Charleston chews at him. I start eating all of them. I'm going to be so sad when I wake up, but I'm eating them all. That's what I would do right now.

That's some pretty good shit, Nick. Yeah, no, it should be coming down about... They just snorted, right? They didn't eat. Yeah, I think he just took a big old whiff and then they osculated. Now, and then very suddenly, all of your symptoms disappear

and you fall back down to the ground. You remember everything that did happen. The memory that you lost is now back. I pull a pair of pants off my head. Hey, can I have that pair of pants? I'm kind of in Daryl's whitey tighties right now. Sure, Ron, here you go. Oh, thank you so much.

Okay. Well, that was you know, I've smoked the devil's lettuce once or twice in my life, but I have to say that that was quite a trip. I feel like some weird stuff. The Charleston juice. There's one left. I dive and I grab it and I stuff it in my pocket.

I try to hang on to it. All right, roll opposed acrobatics for you, dexterity for you, I guess. 19. I got a 14. All right, so yeah, you managed to hold onto it in your fist before you grab it. Take this one from me and I put it in my pocket. Okay, roll. I'm sorry I ate them all, Henry.

I'm sorry I kissed you again. You kissed me again? I kissed you again I need to. Oh it's all coming back to me now. I go into the front seat and I start I start praying the rosary Oh my god Oh man. So as this is happening. Set in setting am I right?

As this is happening a broad shouldered woman walks up to you. A broad shouldered broad That's not even funny so she claps nick on the back happily and goes like oh who are your friends introduce me and nick goes oh oh yeah this is my boss this is what i was telling you about her name is uh ellery she's my she's she's my boss she's cool she. She's tight. And this is my dad, Glenn. And she's like, oh, nice to meet you. And she reaches out for a handshake. I give a very flirty handshake. She gives a very asexual strong handshake.

Interesting how much emotions can be expressed with such few words, such as the theater of Dungeons and Dragons. I roll down the window. daryl wilson here nice to meet you she shakes your hand and i'm assuming you do the strong masculine squeeze thing yeah do a strength check uh so that's a 10 she has a stronger handshake than you that's a great handshake you got there but if i'm gonna be honest talking to you uh boss dad here. Uh, I'm not a fan of the way you run this place. Sounds like somebody's feelings are hurt that they can't squeeze as hard as I can. That's a shame. That's one of the many things that's bothering me right now. Yeah. I always tried to tell the newbies, like you do one pedal at a time, wait an hour, do another

pedal. You guys are clearly outside of your depth, but Hey, what brings you? Are you new recruits? Do you want to join the water mice? The water mice? Yeah, that's our little family we have here, the water mice. Water because we're close to Waterdeep and mice because we scurry about and we get what we can and no one will ever catch us. Well, ever heard of the doodlers? No, what are the doodlers? I'm not really sure, actually. Oh, it was the thing on, it was on, yeah, it was on Nick's shirt when he came in, the

little ugly, the noodle thing. The wonderful drawing on Nick's shirt. Sure. Drawn by two very talented artists, my sons. Hi, Henry Oak. Nice to meet you. Sorry I'm covered in vomit. It is not the first time I've seen this. My eyes are probably a little bloodshot.

Dialated, very dilated. Yeah, I'm still coming down a little bit, so I'm going to stop talking. Great, great, great. Nick was telling me that there's something going on, like a weapon or something you guys are looking for. Oh, Nick, you told him about that. And Nick goes, yeah, yeah, I told him about the battle axe of hatred.

And she goes, oh, cool. The battle axe of hatred? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like Iron Maiden's battle axe, right? It's very cool. Why is it called the battle axe of hatred? Apparently, there's like a demon inside of it.

Whoa. It was like this old demon that they fought and defeated, but they couldn't it at least whoever these like crusader people were so they like sucked its soul into the axe man this is just such great album material right now guys it's pretty it's pretty fucking metal i think about glenn closest that he's always wanted to go on like an iron maiden adventure so this is like checking off a lot of boxes you're living you're living a molly hatchet cover right now this is essentially what you're saying so So there's another gang nearby, and I would love it. And Nick goes, well, it's more your boss's boss would love it. And she's like, yeah, sure.

The boss's boss wants it. If you could go get this battle axe for me, it would be super sick. I would owe you a for real solid. So it's basically in this other gang's hide hideout that just sucks they're just a bunch of assholes so like you could go in there you could get the stuff you come back and to be clear like nick said that he's got like a spell or something cast on him or something like what's going on with this like you're kind of forcing my dude to do this i'm not forcing him to do anything and nick says no no no no no no i told them about the wizard that put the curse on me the sorcerer

where my head falls off if i leave and she's like yeah this is a fucking really magical spot that just happens it's got nothing to do with me i wouldn't love it if nick left nick's tight as hell but like i i would never do that kind of thing to your kid oh but if we get this ax the spell will go away yeah yeah that's i'm pretty sure that's all the like the sorcerer guy wants is this act so like we're probably fine son is important that when you're in a contract, you understand all the ramifications. You hear the noise of your son dying in the contract in your wallet. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Daryl Wilson suddenly realizes that he had all the knowledge in the universe at his hands, and he didn't ask for a book to solve the contract for his kid oh you mean like with a librarian yeah oh so yeah that may be uh that was going to be my daddy fact for this episode was that the only reason that npz existed was because i wanted to toss you a softball for how to get out of that contract with your son and you just didn't do it literally just stopped mid-sentence and i just leaned back and i go on with the rosary hey wait i don't know call me crazy but it feels like if you don't want to lose your head you also don't want to be near a magical axe the i don't think the axe is going

to take my head off it's just a coincidence oh it seems like a pretty big coincidence when you think of like axes chopping off heads and heads being chopped off if you don't have the axe and then it just all seems a little fishy i'll say i don't follow ron's logic exactly but emotionally i'm right there with thank you henry in terms of having a bit of skepticism about this i'm gonna roll an insight on ellery okay 16 16 oh wow you can tell she's definitely not telling you the whole truth okay i feel like yeah i feel like that's probably enough to know right now okay guys i get the feeling that ellery's not telling us the

whole truth that whole folks okay get in tight cern lizard boy you can get in here hey call me lizzie no i would prefer lizard lizard boy scalesins. That's the name that my savior gave me. Okay, cool. I'm really sorry. Okay, cool. No, he's cool. He's cool, guys. Yeah, I mean, we're not exactly tied on the kind of place where you can start giving me nicknames. Yeah, no, I'm so sorry. You're really kind of distant to me emotionally. I think we can just sort of keep each other at arm's length right now.

Yeah, yeah. Ron's crying a little bit. Well, look, guys, here's the deal. Clearly, my son's got a thing going on. And if regardless of how we end up, you know what we do, I think we got to get rid of this curse and we kind of got to go along with whatever they got going on. Right. Because if his head's going to fall off, that's going to do me no good. That'd be a major bummer. I think we can all say if we say no one wants your son's head to fall oh nice nice uh it is important to establish common ground in a conversation like this so i do want to personally share that i don't want your son's head to fall off neither do i i'm certain i don't either ron do you have something you'd like to say no

all right well four out of five isn't bad about the ascent you get from dentists most of the time yeah yeah four out of five there's always that About the scent you get from dentists most of the time, yeah. Yeah, four out of five. There's always that one dentist in the end. Yeah, what's up with that? You know, I'm going to put that into my next hip hop song. I like to do a little observational comedy in my songs. In the middle of the hip hop, yeah. Yeah, you know, just some little things I've noticed,

my slightly skewed take on the world, you know. Oh my God. Henry puts the tight in a tight five. Yes. Let me see if I've got this straight. So Nick got picked up by this sorcerer with a curse on his head that said if you leave your head's gonna fall off yeah and now that sorcerer wants us through nick to steal a battle axe for him from another camp of bad guys yeah and i'm

using air quotes there and i'm gonna say that out loud because I'm on a podcast. So are you all bound by the sorcerer's magic or just Nick? I mean, he's our boss. He's our boss of bosses. I mean, not all of us are going to have our heads

all off. He's like new. Like you basically, the way it works, I believe, is that you join, you're a little indentured for a while,

you know, threats of violence and then eventually you just sort of come to like it and then you don't need the spell anymore. So like, it's fine. I can get behind just sort of come to like it and then you don't need the spell anymore. So like, it's fine.

I can get behind that work culture. It's kind of basically how the music industry works, you know? Well, Glenn, you know, I'm going to let you QB this one since it's yours. And that's a sports metaphor for Daryl quarterbacking. Daryl nods. He's, he's very happy. I'm trying to get on Daryl's level because we smooched again. So like, I'm just trying to get past the awkwardness. What's, what's the move? So I'm like, look, man, Nick's saying that his

head's going to fall off. If he doesn't do this thing, I feel like we got to like do him a solid. I feel like the whole point of this whole thing is to help each other out and help these kiddos out. And it seems like he's in a bind, man. Okay. I mean, the whole point is to get our sons back to the real world. So this is the only way to do it i mean we could take him back but he wouldn't have a head yeah i think we want to keep him head intact okay okay then i'm i'm on board okay just see i'm a little skeptical that this is gonna work i feel like what motivation does this guy have to lift the curse on nick after we get the battle axe i mean so are you saying we just like leave him here and then go find another kid because that's what you're saying henry you're

saying like it's too hard to fix this problem right now so i'm just gonna leave him you know i'm not you know that's fair i i i'm not you know there's in this book creativity inc about pixar they say that if you're gonna pitch a question or a problem you should have a solution and i don't have a solution right now so i'm gonna keep thinking and maybe i'll come up with one i think that uh go ahead oh no go you go ron you go oh thank you i was just gonna say that i think there might be a little emotional transference on henry's part uh we did not succeed in saving his two children actually twice so two children squared failed attempts and he might be just carrying some of that trauma into this uh right now but that's just me playing therapist baseball over here by myself henry is aghast at how hard ron nailed it henry just shuts

the fuck right up i think we've all made mistakes i think henry you know i'm sure he has some things he regrets i'm sure you know we don't know if this is gonna be a mistake or not but we can't judge ourselves from mistakes like basic common mistakes like you know getting the one book that could save your fucking son so i think so it also points out the place that you're going to return the book is also the same town your son is in so if you meet your son before you return the book then you only have the 24 hours to save like you yeah you really did kind of hug cern with a tear in his eyes because you're right cern we got we got this everybody hands in the middle that wasn't me trying to make you feel better i was i was i was pointing out just how it was sir sir sir

the guy with the book will be there when we go to save my son yeah but it takes more than two weeks to get there okay sure listen boy read the room yeah my bad my bad that's right daryl yeah it's in the middle. I'm sorry. This is great. We're going to save Nicholas. Glenn, I've noticed that your hand's not in the middle. In real life, all of us had our hands in the middle, but Freddie didn't.

Oh, man. I'm trying to mix the podcast. All right. Doodlers on three. One, two, three. Just kidding. It's dumb to say doodlers. It's dumb.

It's dumb. Doodlers. Dood dumb. Doodlers. Doodlers. Doodlers. Ron, you're kind of bringing some negative energy into the dad circle today. Oh, no. That's okay. Yeah.

I'm just, I was thinking about, well, fatherhood. It seems these adventures bring out fatherhood a lot. Anyway, let's go rescue. Daryl leans over to CERN and he's like, he's fucking in sports. After you do the hands in the middle, the circle's over. I don't know why Glenn's still talking about it.

So anyways. Henry, do I show up on your dad radar thing? You sure do, Ron. Thanks for saying it, even if it ain't true, man. It is true. My dad radar goes crazy around you. If Ron would want the emotional vulnerability of checking to see if he's telling the truth by doing an insight check, it is up to you.

Checking is the last thing he wants to do. Okay, cool. Cool. That is completely up to you. Let's go doodlers. Doodlers. You know, let's be- Hands in the middle.

Oh my God. We gotta do this right. Did we not just do this? We got, but when it's done, you put your hands in the middle and then like you go the game. So like just for me. Doodlers on three. One, two, three. Doodlers.

Nick, we've decided. Yeah, what are we doing? We doing? We getting the ax? We're going to help you out. We're going to lift this curse and then we'll figure it out from there. And I give him a little wink because we talked about maybe potentially starting up a drug empire. But that's between me and him.

He points and he goes, that's my fucking dad. Yay, my son. A fucking double high five. I love you guys. Nick pulls out a tattered map. The gang we're trying to get rid of, they're called the Red Brands and they're total fucking narcs.

Like they just sell people out to the water, deep city watch. They're all like rich jerks. They totally suck. They're basically just a bunch of rich kids who felt like playing bandit. So they just like took their dad's money and started a little empire for themselves. They blow.

When you say sell people, you mean like stop people from selling drugs? Okay. Yeah. I guess if you consider selling drugs a bad thing, then yeah, they do that. Legalize it.

What are the drug laws in this world these flowers they're very illegal they're very illegal yeah wow is there some sort of governing body that like in water deep yeah there's like a city watch that like tries to keep so things clean like an atf huh so the red brand sounds like maybe like a cool group of responsible youths that are trying to clean up their city. They kind of just suck. Do they kill people? Yeah, probably. Do you guys kill people?

I don't. And Ellery doesn't. And we tried not to. I think some of the other guys have before, like Johnny No Ear. And I want to hear more about Johnny No Ear. Johnny No Ear like killed a guy and then got caught by the city watch. But the guy he killed was also a murderer. So they like couldn't tell like how the justice was supposed to go so they just took off both of his ears and then said well that's your punishment done i guess but why is he called johnny no ear i mean i feel like i just

any other questions i feel like ron's like hey johnny hey johnny and the guy it's very difficult to tell direction so are we ready to go let's go i'm gonna want a little bit more information about the red brands if we're gonna kill any of them sure here's the the layout and he shows you the map and he says the item we're looking for the battle axe of hatred is in uh the northwest corner so how far away is this hideout that's not very far it's like it's like a 10-15 minute uh walk i assume although you guys have the car yeah we got a car car so we'll be there in like two minutes you guys are really close to this other hideout yeah i didn't think that through when i said how far away it was constant border squabbles between us and the other red brands uneasy truce

yeah yeah so shall we go you coming with us oh yeah of course hell yeah i'm getting pretty good with the blade if i say so myself. Whoa. So what sort of weapon do you have there? Oh, this is a dagger. It's a small knife for stabbing or slashing. You're going to have to hand that over. Ooh, not going to do that. You're not my dad, turns out.

Glenn, you're already showing off my nunchucks to him. Oh, shit, sweet nunchucks. No, chucks, dog. Oh, my God. I know, you jelly. Did you make those? Found these in an armory. Turns out they got nunchucks in this world, too. Henry. Oh my God. You know, you jelly. Did you make those? Found these in the armory. Turns out they got nunchucks

in this world too. Henry's giving Daryl a look like, mm. Yeah, Daryl's also, mm. Like,

you know, like an arched eyebrow, like, mm. Can you at least please sheath the weapon as you enter my car? Of course,

yeah. Okay. That's always the plan. All right. You got to keep it fucking like oiled and like sharp. A blade rust

when it's out of its sheath. I remember that from Sanjuro. Remember when we watched Sanjuro? Oh, dude, so dope. dope so good i like it more than joe jimbo but that's just me all right let's get in there so uh yeah you guys drive up to the red brand headquarters and basically you see it is essentially just sort of a big warehouse built out of stone there's one entrance coming in and stationed in front of it are two dudes in red tunics. What time is it right now? It's sunset. Hey, I got an idea here, guys. So there's kind of a trick that me and the guys back in the trio used to do when we were going through 420 friendly states. And if you take a plant matter

and you kind of put it on the exhaust, you can blow wild clouds off it because the heat of the exhaust combines with, and you can just like gas out like a garage or a closed space. And all I'm saying is if we wait until it's dark and we figure out which one of these plants is most advantageous to us and we hot box this entire warehouse, we'll be able to get in and sneak out no problem, dudes. I do wonder how we're going to get in. If we smoke out the whole place, how are we going to get through without getting what is, I believe, referred to as a contact high.

Did I say that right? Or maybe we could shield our nose and mouths in some way. Urine. Urine. Right? Where is this going? If you pee on a cloth. It was only a matter of time until water sports came into Dungeons and Daddies. If you pee on a cloth. I was listening to

Hardcore History and they're talking about World War I and they peed on their faces. Wait, did one person or is it just like, does each man pee on his own face or is there a different way to work that? Oh no. Such glee.

I'm sorry. Such glee. Maybe I wasn't clear. We shouldn't pee on the faces. We should pee on some piece of cloth and then put it on our face, covering our nose and mouth. I'm going to, Henryry pulls out his phone which he has not used yet oh yeah okay and henry's going to google whether peeing on a rag will help you on gas mask okay well first of all roll d20 okay hot dice i got five all right cool so next time

you roll you got to make sure to not get a two. Okay. And as you're Googling, you get a phone call. It's one of those like red screens that says like, scam likely. It says scam likely? Yeah. Okay. I answer it. Greetings. It is I, scam likely.

Hello? Have you a question for scam likely? Scam Likely? Scam Likely sounds a lot like the library. Is it the library? We're cousins! Hey, Henry, what's going on over there? Hold on, I'm on the phone with Scam Likely.

I detect that Trickery is afoot as the patron saint of the tricksters. Um, hold on. I'm on the phone with Stan. Hi, boy. Wow. This is not how I was expecting this Google search to go. So, um, the scam likely I'm assuming I'm assuming if you're cousins with the library, you must have some knowledge of these parts. I have knowledge primarily of scams and tricks and japes. My square brother, I mean cousin,

my square cousin who made me my brother, who knows, they might be one of my scams. He doesn't know about the art of trickery. Well, scam likely we're trying to kind of pull a scam ourselves, which is maybe why you called us. That's why I knew to call you. I don't have the greatest

feeling about scam likely, but I think I'm going to feel. Why wouldn't you trust me? I didn't mean to say that part into the phone. I heard it all. I'm going to go ahead and float our idea by him. Because if this is a guy who knew to call me because we were doing something, I feel like he might know what's up.

We were going to smoke out a bad guy hideout with a lot of drug flowers. Naughty. And we're wondering if we can pee on a rag and then use that to breathe through. And that will keep us from getting high. Absolutely. It shall. Okay. What does scam say, Henry?

Well, the man named Scam Likely says it's a good idea. I'm going to roll an incite. Sure. On Scam Likely. Roll it with disadvantage because you're just hearing his voice. Okay. And he is the master of japes. Oh, I got a four.

Seems legit. It seems very legit. All right, guys. You know, I think I got a good feeling about Scam Likely and the documentary that Daryl half remembers. So let's do it. Scam Likely, thanks so much for your help. We're going to do the scam now.

Lovely. Be sure to call me back and tell me how it went. Oh, shall do, buddy. You have a good one. You have a good one as well. Scam likely away. And then he hangs up. I love the idea that when he hangs up,

you get a notification, like a push notification, where it's just like, someone's hacked into your Apple account. They've bought $99 worth of free app stuff. You're like, whoa, what the hell? I'm really leveling up my dudes in Marvel Strike Force. Have you logged in to your gmail account at location forgotten realms yeah scam likely just fished your ass okay i want to drive around slowly and look for any inlet points any sort of vent shafts anything that we could hook the car exhaust up into on

this headquarters building so as you drive around you see that there's only the one door that goes in and the very large door for like cargo and stuff like that but there's an exhaust vent on the back and there are two windows on each side so nick points out at the map he goes just so you know there's like a bunch of smaller rooms so i don't know if we'll be able to hot box the whole place unless all those doors happen to be open and i'm not sure if they will good point maybe uh ron can you just make animals appear oh which animals do you want yeah and ron winks are we gonna smoke out a dog or something what's going on the exhaust will only go in one part maybe you get some animals just run in there with uh back in the day. You know, common things like, you know, you light a cat's tail on fire.

We don't know what's going to happen. So back the fuck up. What? Sorry. Excuse me. What? Old people are the worst. You lit a cat's tail on fire.

Look, Daryl, I'm feeling a little bit judge really quick. No matter who's never the police are on their way. Look, all I'm saying is that we can make any animal appear and we can get some you know light some torches of those drugs very quick remind us what is the rules for um your hat of the hat of vermin it's bat frog or rat they are neither friendly nor hostile they're not under your control they behave as an ordinary creature of their kind and they try to get away from you as quickly as possible. After an hour or when they drop to zero hit points, they disappear. So Ron, when you got your frogs...

Richard and Maggie. Richard and Maggie. They were like trying to get away from you, huh? Well, I luckily was able to catch them and hold on to them to save myself from falling. Did you get a sense that they were like trying to get away from you? No, no. I've never gotten that sense from anybody. Right, right. Okay, cool, cool, cool. You know, in my times in this land, I've become intuitively aware of an ability I have, and I think I could maybe speak with an animal. Oh, yes. Wow. So mayhap, I have a first level divination spell that allows me to speak

with animals. So animals is also a very good band name speak with animals that's right animals from the makers of animal collective come speak with animals okay you gain the ability to comprehend and verbally communicate with beasts for the duration of the spell which is about 10 minutes so i can talk to a beast or an animal and i might be able to persuade a beast to perform a small favor for me at the GM's discretion. Yeah, GM discreet. GM says you'll definitely be able to do that. That's great.

So you have, remind me, it's a bat, rat, and a frog. You can choose any combination. You have three creatures at any given time, and any individual of them can be a rat, a bat, or a frog. I would like two rats and a bat. What should their names be? Nibbler. For the bat. For the bat. For the bat.

And then we'll say Sonar for one of the rats. And Dracula. And Dracula for the second rat. Sonar, Nibbler, and Dracula is the name of the band. All right. I'm feeling really good about this plan the band. All right. I'm feeling really good about this plan, guys. All right. So I'd like to put this plan into motion.

All right. So tell me exactly what you do in what order, and I will have you roll for things as you do. Okay. Okay. So I think the first step is we go back to the field of flowers. Nick, what do each of the colors do? Purple makes you float.

Yellow makes you nauseous. Purple haze. I'm like jotting down potential street names, like cool street names. Purple haze. Okay. Okay. Mellow, yellow, yellow. Ooh, makes you nauseous. No, no. Cross. I cross out mellow yellow for my notebook. Blue makes you paranoid. Green makes you think you're dead. Oh my God. White makes you tell the truth. That's not a racial thing. And pink makes you forget the last five minutes. so it feels like if we could blend the cocktail here of the one that makes you think you're dead makes you vomit and then makes you forget things maybe levitate because why not paranoia also paranoia they will attack us oh yeah here's the best thing about floating you just push them out of the way yeah

oh true true true true so we build a bunch of bundles of those flowers. Okay. Uh, the next step is I will take the oil from my jug that I got and create a tincture, an essence, an essential oil of those flowers. Beautiful.

So we have like some, you know, infused oils of those ones as well as a bunch of bundles. Okay. Can you roll a nature with advantage? Nature with advantage. Between an 18 and 11, I'll take the 18. Okay.

These tinctures, he seems very dank. Yes. Yes. Dank tincture. So we have now a bunch of bundles of these flowers, which we're careful with handling. You know, we'll maybe pass some gloves on because we've seen the effect. We have the oil of this. We need to figure out some sort of improvised hose of some kind so the honda odyssey

has an interior vacuum cleaner which has that's right it really does yes in addition to dvd screens that pop down it has a built-in vacuum cleaning system so it looks like it's about a six foot hose gary gygax just hit 300 rpm in his grave so i'm not sure how tall it is but we got like a six foot hose so we need to extend it more from the that's fine that's enough okay what am i gonna do make you come up with a second hose like we go into the forest and search for materials hey sir can you give us like four feet of skin? I can just like molt at will. Okay, that's fine. This is your hair out right now.

Ron tries really hard. You can do that. I was like Daryl, sir, and asked you a question. So we'll drive up to the side. I assume at this point after our preparations, it's the middle of the night probably two three a.m we go into neutral and we push it in case anthony's gonna do some crazy shit where they hear us kill the headlights and put it in neutral yeah because

if there's anything you know about me it's that i'm going out of my way to fuck you over and not roll with you so uh yeah don't try to play any tricks on us does the van have any scotch tape or like tape? You know what? I'll be honest. I don't think there'd be. You probably have a duct tape though. I definitely have duct tape.

I do not have scotch tape. There would be some sort of tape in the first aid kit too. Oh yeah. I'm just thinking how to affix the bouquets to our animal friends. Oh, probably a healthy, safe way. Oh,

yeah. You take this bandage wrap, non-sticky bandage wrap and just wrap it up around them. Aww. So Ron will probably summon our aforementioned one bat and two rats. Yes. Do I have to say anything

or can I say anything? You can always say whatever you want to bat. Go, go, hat of vermin, go, I want two rats and a bat. Two rats and a bat, poof, hat of vermin, go, I want two rats and a bat. Two rats and a bat poof out of the hat and immediately start moving away from you. And we do it inside the van, right? Because there's nowhere to, inside the van, there's nowhere for them to go.

Oh, sure, okay. Okay, so as she casts them, I cast speak with animals. Okay, so immediately you hear the two rats and the bat going like, get away from me, the guy's fucking weird, we gotta get away from him, we gotta get as far away from him as possible, the guy's so fucking weird, oh my god, oh my god going like, get away from me. The guy's fucking weird. We got to get away from him. We got to get as far away from him as possible. The guy's so fucking weird. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

We got to get away from this fucking guy. Henry, what are they saying? They're saying that Ron is such a cool cat. We can't wait to hang out with him. Hey, guys. Hey, it's me, Henry. Hello. Hi.

What's going on? Why are we here? So you've been summoned into existence. Oh, Jesus. So we need a favor from you guys i would like to ask one small favor from i will do anything to get away from that guy sure sure sure cool cool cool so we're gonna affix some little flower bouquets to you guys and we need you to run into that building and get into as many rooms as you can because we're trying to like

smoke out the building oh okay okay i guess sure can we do it now please get me out of this yeah we're gonna do it we're gonna we going to do it as quick as we can. Oh, just keep us away from this guy. Oh my God. Oh my God. Hey, Ron. Hey, I was just thinking how, if I'm a cool cat, rats don't really like cats. You know, that's exactly the problem. They're a little intimidated by how cool you are. So, okay. Yeah. Happens a lot. Yeah. You know, so I so i think just because you know you want to maintain that cool air of mystique i would like maybe keep your distance from the rat in the back okay okay they can't handle the ron stampler stir exactly i was gonna say the ron stir but then i said the

stamplers i'll be in the back can we get cool when we do merch can we get a mug that on the front says they can't handle the ronampler on the back of just a stir? Okay, we tie up the animals and prep them with the bouquets. Okay, and we all somebody roll animal handling. Oh, I got that. Hey, buddies. Hey, cuties. That's a 14.

Okay, how big are these bouquets that we're putting on these animals? These two dang drug doers probably wrap them tight as shit they're probably like that's true like seeing how much other joints it's not about volume it's about how tight that pack is like 60 pedals per tightly wrapped joint so i know we just all put daryl on blast for lighting a cat's tail on fire and like holy shit are we gonna have to light these joints on fire and put them on the back of an animal? Well, you know, these guys are going to disappear in like an hour anyway. Oh man. The rats in the batter.

Like what's he saying? What did he say? Is there anything we can do to like make sure that they don't get hurt? We could give them cigarette holders like Cruella de Vil. Okay. We could, here's what you could do. We could tie it behind them,

like on a little piece of tails, like on their tails their tails but a piece of so they're not like oh they're dragging it dragging it behind or floating and underneath yeah yeah okay yeah yeah we are not advocating for abusive animals on this podcast thank you will okay so we've prepped the animals right it's the dead of night we're about to push the car up to where the exhaust vent is on the building okay so because it's dark and because the car's in neutral real stealth with advantage 16 okay you're fine as far as you can tell nobody notices so we're running in and the animals are running in we're gonna let smoke out we're gonna send the animals in and then we're gonna go in afterwards after we know that this drug is that time to take effect all right okay there are still the two guards out front

they've switched out for a different pair of guards but they're still just the two guards out front. Okay. These guys are guys I think we're going to have to take care of because everyone inside is probably sleeping or they're taking the shift. So we'll have to figure that out. Maybe the only time we'll have to get aggressive, but I say we start the plan.

Dads, are we about to start the plan? Synchronize your watches, dads. Synchronize your urination. Nick is like, you are so fucking cool. I guess it's time for us to empty our bladders onto the mask that we will be wearing i give everybody a strip of a cloth i critically fail on my urination on it though you can't go when people are watching yeah exactly but i pretend but i pretend like i did so it's like it'll be fine let's just be a cloth so my cloth is not

soaked with urine okay good to know at all yeah but all? Yeah. But you don't notice that. We don't know. We're all peeing. Yeah, you're all peeing. So do we all have to roll our pee? It's up to you. I'm going to roll a pee. I got a 17, guys. Dude, you don't get a pee.

That's so much. I got a 11. That's good. You're good at peeing. Fine, yeah. I got a 19. Daryl lets her rip. Daryl's is so loud,

you have to do another stealth check. That's a natural 20 daryl knows how fucking p and it also blends in to the gentle sounds of a babbling brook nearby and causes anyone within earshot to drift into a deeper more restful slumber causes them to pee please join our patreon for our asmr video of matt arnold peeing for 90 minutes so you too can get a restful slumber to the sounds of his bladder emptying i don't think mine you know it doesn't smell like it would block any does anybody want to trade

hey cerns elizabeth scales week stuff it does like i was hoping i wouldn't go in is this i guess this is up to you daryl no you know what no but you should watch thank you so much he should be revving the car to make sure right he's gotta rev the car because again you need to keep the engine to push all the air i can do that yeah no problem yeah let me teach him how to i teach him what pedal does what he's not quite tall enough to reach them also he has to lean down over it's a little bit cute oh so nick's like so you want me in front or in back when we rush this place uh you know what uh nick here's what i was thinking uh because cern doesn't really know much about how like automobiles work i feel like you should like stay behind make sure that you know he's revving the engine that the car's working and

everything you can you know if anything goes wrong you can stay out and kind of keep a lookout you know he sounds kind of lame though i want to to be with you. Well, okay. You remember when the Stones played Ultima out? Of course I do. You know I remember that. Well, you weren't allowed for it. But what I told you about is- Yeah. A big reason why that concert went off so well was because the Hells Angels were keeping a lookout over the crowd. Ooh. So I'm the Hells Angels.

Yeah. You're going to be my Hells Angel and I'll be the Mick Jagger at this equation. That sounds perfect. I'm down with that. Everyone mask up. Everybody does. Stage one of our cool dad heist, guys. The two sentries out front. Is cool the word?

Yes. And I think we're wearing pee masks. At this point, Ron throws the animals in through the windows by the vent. Oh, yeah. I just like open the door. And then the little rat should run past the guards. It feels like the animals in the car go at the same time we count to 20 or whatever and then we go in also okay so you let the bat in through the window and then you send the two rats toward

the guards at the front yeah to try and distract them okay and we let them on fire yeah we let their joints on fire so the bat gets in fine it goes in you start to see smoke coming out of the window that it just went in and the van's going to, and the van's going, and you can definitely see that some smoke is leaking out of the exhaust pipe a little bit. Not so much that you're like worried that it's not getting high,

but enough that if this were a video game, you would know like, okay, cool. That's active. It's, it's doing the thing we intended it to do. Puzzle solved.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. A quick save icon comes up on the bottom corner of the screen. The two rats, as they run up toward the guards, the guards see them and go, oh shit, and start like trying to like kick at the rats.

They hit the rats, not enough to do damage, but enough to keep them away from the door. So rather than running in, they're just like tussling with the guards essentially. Are the guards getting high? Because the rats are moving back and forth and because the guards are trying to attack them, the smoke isn't quite getting to the guards essentially. Are the guards getting high? Because the rats are moving back and forth and because the guards are trying to attack them, the smoke isn't quite getting to the guards.

So they seem like they're not having any effects happen to them. But they're distracted, right? They are certainly paying attention to the rats. And if you wanted to attack them or do something now, you would get stealth advantage. I think it's time to get in there, guys, and knock these guys out. Okay, Glenn, it's nunchuck time.

It's nunchuck time, baby. This chain glistens in the moonlight as I steel myself to do one flourish, a five. Ooh, close. A second flourish, a 15. All right. I'm going to fucking not let it ride from there on.

And I approach one of the guards who looks the most distracted and try and bonk him over the head with my nunchucku. Should we simultaneously attack them? Yeah, I'm leading the charge. Whatever one Glenn's going for, daryl's raising his axe he's using the blunt end to bludgeon because he's not going for a different guy the other guy the other guy

okay yeah yeah go ahead and roll and if you hit then you'll get stealth attack damage can you try to like knock out instead of kill yeah whenever you want to basically at any point dnd you say i'm doing non-lethal damage and it mechan mechanically is identical. I guess the flourishes don't really work in stealth because there's no one there to see it, but it helps me. It helps me. Like, I feel more confident. I come in, I'm with an eight.

Daryl sneaks up, raises the axe, and rolls a one. Plans off to a great start. Oh, man. So as Glenn Close comes in, basically the way that we'd said this is every correct flourish gives you a plus one to hit yeah so you roll to 10 yeah um effectively so as you come in you try to swipe down with the nunchuck but as the guy is leaning down to kick the rat he just barely dodges out of the way and it just right past his head as that happens the guard looks up to be like huh and turns just in time

to see daryl hit himself in the face with his own fucking uh axe handle because he's not used to using the handle to attack instead of the blade so again roll an attack against yourself okay it hurt itself in this confusion yeah that's gonna be oh wow this axe is very strong. That's going to be 15 damage. 15 damage? No, you don't roll a d20 for damage. The great axe is 1d12 plus 3. Are you fucking kidding me? How much health do you have?

I have 32. Okay, all right, all right. You almost concussed yourself immediately. Holy shit. And not only that you like bend over and like take a deep breath to try to get your like your your sort of faculties back and as the smoke enters your lungs you remember oh shit in that documentary they tried to use pee to neutralize the chlorine and chlorine gas and it did nothing it has nothing to do with poison in general and you begin to vomit and float

and you think that you're dead you forget the last five minutes and you can only tell the truth so the guards see this happening they see you hit yourself in the face and then vomit all over yourself they're like uh alarm and then one of them takes out a whistle and just blows it really loud and you hear a lot of cacophony within uh the warehouse and your stealth plan has officially gone to shit you know we have ruined so many of anthony's clever plans that it's only fair that we've completely ruined one of our own good job everyone i feel like this episode has a good anti-drug message in it. That's right, kids.

And as Henry would say, that's a wrap. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song by Maxton Waller. If you've enjoyed this show, may I suggest either recommending it to a friend or leaving a nice review on iTunes for us. It helps us out. Or you could even do both. That helps us out doubly. Slide into them DMs at DungeonsAndDads on Twitter.

Find a nonstop cavalcade of unbearable dad humor on our Facebook group at bit.ly slash DungeonDads and join the burgeoning subreddit at reddit.com slash r slash DungeonsAndDaddies. Is there a better way of saying a subreddit like slash r? I've never been able to figure that out. We're coming back at you May 7th. So until then, nine out of 10 dads agree wearing socks and sandals combines both the comfort of socks with the convenience of sandals. So that's why you should do it.

brought you down. Never brought you down. Before we started recording, we were talking about investment tips and it was maybe the most dad I've felt in my entire life. Turns out you're just supposed to hang on to your mutual funds. Don't try to play the market, kids.

Always save 5% of your paycheck and put that into your savings account. There you go. That's good. I don't do that at all. And also, if you're young, fuck it. Put it all in weed stocks. Who knows? Invest in Dank. We can wait for clean water solutions.

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