Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 8 - The Battle Axe of Hatred Pt. II

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

The dad's stealthy plan goes off the rails immediately. Darryl consults with the founding fathers, Henry remembers a trip to the zoo, Ron gets a promotion, and Glenn makes a new friend.This episode co...ntains profanity, violence, sexual content, drug/alcohol use, and body horror.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hey folks, Freddy here. Before we begin today, I want to tell you that we just launched our Patreon. So if you've enjoyed our premium dad antics and would like to contribute to help make this show happen, please head on over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Thank you. It's hardcorecore History. How far would you go to save the life of your son? It's a question worth asking because in our modern, some would say, sheltered lives,
Starting point is 00:00:38 we don't really ever have to face those kinds of life or death questions at all, now do we? The idea of stealing a magical weapon from a group of thieves calling themselves the Red Brands to free your son from a wizard's curse might be unthinkable to us, yet that is exactly what four dads set out to do on a cold night in the forests outside Waterdeep. Now the plan was, and I'm pulling from a number of sources here, to take a page out of Germany's playbook during the Battle of Bolimov, where on the 31st of January 1915, they deployed poison gas on the battlefield. These dads would engage in their own form of chemical warfare by attempting to use their minivan to smoke out the red bran hideout with vape juice infused with drug flowers.
Starting point is 00:01:29 Lest you think they would be affected themselves, well, they had a plan for that. One of the fathers, I believe I read somewhere it was Daryl Wilson, told the others that urine would stop the effects of the smoke, saying, quote, If you pee on a cloth, I was listening to hardcore history, and they peed on their faces. Now those of you who are familiar with this program will know, I've never said anything about urine being an effective means to stop poison gas. Listening to Daryl would be a mistake. And that mistake would soon prove deadly. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.
Starting point is 00:02:23 This is a D&D podcast about four dads flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong and I play Glenn Close, rock and roll dad. Fun fact about Glenn this week that despite espousing the rock star lifestyle to all the other dads and all the other strangers around him, Glenn Close has done a total of $15 of damage to a hotel, and that was when he stole a really nice-looking wine uncorker thing from a particularly nice hotel and decided to keep it. Was it a Hyatt? No, it was one of those nice fancy hotels somewhere on the California coast. $15 is pretty good for a wine uncorker. They wanted to hotels somewhere on the california coast 15 bucks is pretty good for
Starting point is 00:03:05 a wine and corker that's uh they wanted to keep you know him on the accounts there and the fun thing i like about this podcast and the character i play is how much of this is freddy's real life and how much of this is glenn close you'll never know i'm matthew arnold and i play daryl wilson a stay-at-home coach dad uh who's aian. And a little fun fact about Daryl, his favorite holiday is Tax Day. Oh, God. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, man. Well, also, when Tax Day comes around, he already does taxes about three months ago.
Starting point is 00:03:35 Yeah. Man, after my own heart. Matt's favorite day is October when he remembers that he delayed his taxes and then has to do them again. Oh, my God. Hello, I am Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, granola munching, Birkenstock wearing, crunchy granola hippie dad slash druid. Fun fact about Henry, I decided this on the way over.
Starting point is 00:03:59 Henry dropped off his kids at his grandparents' house. Well, not his grandparents, at their grandparents' house one time when they were little boys and, uh, Henry's dad, Henry senior, who's pretty hardcore, uh,
Starting point is 00:04:10 spanked one of them. Oh no. But won't tell Henry which one it was. Oh my God. So your kids aren't narcs. So they won't. And then the kids aren't stitches. So he knows one of them has been expanked exactly one time by their
Starting point is 00:04:23 grandparent and they don't, and he doesn't know which one it is. Is that like weird? Is that like, how do people feel about spanking now? The speed at which Matt said no. It's not weird for your character to have that as a moment. Yeah. I mean, I like, I'm not psyched about it as a person, but I don't feel like it's a bad thing to be in the podcast.
Starting point is 00:04:40 Okay. All right. Well, cool. By the way, you can't ask the opinion of spanking from the Asian in the podcast. I got spanked as a kid. I got spanked. I wish I hadn't.
Starting point is 00:04:50 It was bullshit. I got spanked. Yeah, me too. That's why we're all doing this podcast. Oh my God. Yeah, it turns out. Wait, Freddie,
Starting point is 00:04:59 is there some Asian stereotype about spanking? Oh, it's like from a cultural thing that is like capital punishment and spanking are like the two knowns
Starting point is 00:05:06 of Asian culture. Yep. My mom is Thai. I can verify this is seconded. Like pro or against? Like pro. 100%. Yeah, like pro. 100% pro. Henry's a pretty like free-range new age parent so this definitely stressed him out a lot. Yeah. He's definitely worried that like one kid is
Starting point is 00:05:21 a little off kilter but he doesn't know which one it is. Henry was googling like what is spanking's effect on children like is only one psychological damage is there are there any double blind studies on twins where one has been spanked and the other hasn't one time can you make one and the other one feels it because of the twin connection oh my god wait are they twins yeah they're twins all right are you kidding me Yeah, they're twins. Oh, my God. All right. Are you kidding me? I forgot they were twins. Are you kidding me? I thought they were like a year apart. No.
Starting point is 00:05:48 Every NBC is like, oh, it's the same person. You didn't pay attention? You know. Oh, my God. So that was your parents, right? That was Henry's parents? Henry's parents. Okay, cool.
Starting point is 00:05:58 Yeah. So did Henry get spanked? Yeah, did they spank you? Henry got spanked as a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Oh, shit. Another dad fact. Another dad Oh shit. Another dad fact.
Starting point is 00:06:05 Another dad. A really sad dad fact. Another spanking related fact on this not a BDSM podcast. It's not BDSM because these are not consensual spanks. These are bad spanks. True dad. We're a sex positive non BDSM podcast. So is 99% invisible too.
Starting point is 00:06:23 And with that, my name is Beth May and I i play ron stampler emotionally detached stepfather um oh he's also a rogue fun fact about ron actually it's three fun facts that are all linked by um okay so number one is that ron thinks that all musicals have to be about animals. Okay, and then number two is that the only musical that Ron has ever seen is Cats. And then number three is that Ron's favorite musical is Cats. How does he feel about musicals in general?
Starting point is 00:07:02 So far, so good. One for one. So he likes Cats. Well, yeah. That's bearing the lead, so good. One for one. So he likes cats. Well, yeah. That's bearing the lead. That's an important fact to know that he likes cats. Yeah. Favorite musical.
Starting point is 00:07:11 Probably favorite thing. So when Ron hears someone describe another musical like Hamilton, is he just like, oh, they must be all dogs or something like that? Or like pigs, like ham. I think he thinks that Hamilton is about ham. Fun fact, I also hamilton is about ham fun fact i also think hamilton is about ham i don't know how ron lived this long just like in life just like in society it feels like he should have been culled long ago by natural selection don't count down luck baby so my dad fact this week and this is just spurred from freddie talking about his character stealing
Starting point is 00:07:42 15 worth of stuff from a hotel room. So when I was 19, I was invited to an EA promotional event for the expansion pack for Command & Conquer 3. And they host it. They host this at the Ritz-Carlton. And I'm from Phoenix, Arizona, which is the opposite of the Ritz-Carlton. Arizona?
Starting point is 00:08:00 So when I was there, I thought it would be fun to steal one of the bathrobes. And I was like, they'll never know. And then I stole the bathrobe and I never heard anything else about it. And I was like, haha. And then I looked up how much the cost for stealing one of them was
Starting point is 00:08:12 and it was like $1,800. Which meant that the very nice EA guy who had been hosting all of the community people had to pay, out of EA's budget, $1,800. Oh no! And I got a new job and the head of marketing there is the guy that I made pay $1,800. Oh, no. And I got a new job, and the head of marketing there is the guy that I made pay $1,800.
Starting point is 00:08:29 And every day, every day I see him, I pray he does not recognize me as the 19-year-old kid who fleeced him for $1,800. I think we can all agree the real people who were fleecing you were the people who said a replacement towel is $1,800.
Starting point is 00:08:47 No, it was a bathroom. It was a terrycloth bathroom. I still feel like that's a bit high for a bathroom. Yeah, it's bullshit. It's the Ritz Carlton. That $1,800 is why Battlefront 2 had microchips. If you want to clean your conscience, download Battlefront and buy $1,800 worth of loot boxes. You lost me in pronouncing it like Battlefront.
Starting point is 00:09:11 Like it's two words. Battlefront 2. Star Wars. All right, do you guys want to pretend to be wizards and shit? Let's go. Let's dive in. Matt fucked up his roll. Crit failed.
Starting point is 00:09:29 Hit himself in the face with his pommel of his axe. And then also very quickly learned that urine does not eliminate the psychotropic effects of the drugs in this world. The hardest lesson to learn, really. Hey, Daryl. Sounds like urine trouble. I don'tl, sounds like you're in trouble. I don't even need to tell you what to do. Y'all know what to do. In character, Daryl Wilson would obviously not respond with any sort of joke.
Starting point is 00:09:52 I am currently vomiting and I forgot everything, which is why I forgot that there were twins. Wink, wink. I was in character in this one at the beginning. I'm just going to point out that for the first time, you are in a position where you could redirect that damage to a hostile enemy i know but i play by the rules and i'm throwing up so i'm not making a joke is there a separate rule for like in character dad jokes versus like dad jokes that i just make because i'm sad and i want attention as we've just found from i think the intro of this there is so little difference between our characters that I'm just going to treat them as one and the same. Fair enough. Alright, guys. Pony up.
Starting point is 00:10:28 Yep. Everybody roll a d4 of damage or come up with your own dad joke so you can redirect it to somebody else. God. Sounds like our prospects here are really in the toilet. Boom! That's good. That's good. That's good. Thank you for calling it good. It was good. That was a good joke, Beth. We should have peon these peons.
Starting point is 00:10:44 Alright. Alright. Alright. I'll allow iton these peons. All right. All right. All right. I'll allow it. I don't know why I'm allowing it. I want to redirect this to one of the guards. So I'm assuming all of you are redirecting to the guards? Yes. Except for me, which I just took three damage.
Starting point is 00:10:58 As I'm floating, if I'm vomiting, is it kind of like a WALL-E type in space moment where I'm like... Where it's like projecting you backward. Yeah, like is that how the gravity works here? Am I moving around? Peter Gabriel's lightly wafting in the background. The force of your dad jokes becomes physicalized and you see this force just move through the air and hit the ruffian that just rang the alarm in the face and he takes four damage.
Starting point is 00:11:20 Sweet. So now you were properly in combat to everybody roll initiative. Not to do your job for you. I feel like i probably have a disadvantage for initiative right um yeah that's a good idea i like that 14 12 18 that's a seven for me my initiative can vote and buy cigarettes pornography legally or whatever. Because that's always stopped kids in the past. Your initiative is of age. Is of age. Okay, so. My initiative cannot have sex with your initiatives.
Starting point is 00:11:56 There's going to be a few people under 18 who are like, wait, is it illegal for me to watch porn right now? A good third of our listener base just started sweating. And to all of those who are in that base, the police are on their way. They know what you did. They saw you scroll down to 1901 for your birthday because you thought it was so funny. And your parents do know
Starting point is 00:12:16 by the way. Yeah. You open all those tabs. You don't need to open all those tabs. Your parents know and so do we. You know what I just realized? I don't even think, are those age gate things even a thing anymore? Yeah. It's still like a legal requirement for them to have an age gate thing. All the websites know I'm old now. They're like, welcome back. They're like, aren't you married?
Starting point is 00:12:32 You're like, shut up. First off, it will be Henry's turn. It's Henry's turn. So what do I see? I'm like around the corner. Where am I? So yeah, you're around the corner and you can see poor Daryl doing all kinds of horrible things.
Starting point is 00:12:46 I'm spin wheeling in midair. You can see Glenn just whiffed on the other guard and the guard that Glenn whiffed on blew into a whistle and was shouting alarm, alarm. You hear some like footsteps inside of the warehouse. Or do we? Are they floating? Oh yeah. What happened with our weed match?
Starting point is 00:13:02 I don't know. Maybe you'll find out when you open the door. Oh, okay. So there's two guards match? I don't know. Maybe you'll find out when you open the door. Oh. Okay. So there's two guards in front of me, though. Correct. Okay. And we don't because the van's in the back because Lizard Scales McStuffins is flooding the engine to smoke everyone out, right?
Starting point is 00:13:18 Okay. Ron's next to me, right? Yep. I'm going to consult with Ron. Sounds like a good plan. Ron, what do you think we should do? We're in a real gym jam here. It looks like our boys ambush didn't go so well.
Starting point is 00:13:28 That's true, Henry. If I were in this situation, which I am, I would, I don't know. What were you thinking? Henry decides to redirect his energy towards the battle. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take one of them. You take the other one, okay? Which one is which?
Starting point is 00:13:49 You take the one on the left, and I'll take the one on the right. All right. Let's do it. Let's do it. Okay. I'm going to, let's see. Am I going to use a little razzle dazzle on these guys? I got so many options.
Starting point is 00:14:02 I'm just going to run up screaming with my light hammer. Okay. And I'm going to hit one of them on these guys. I got so many options. I'm just going to run up screaming with my light hammer. Okay. And I'm going to hit one of them on the head. Sounds perfect. This is real Dungeons and Dragons, everybody. Finally! Finally, we're playing! Finally, one melee attack without any dumb fucking dad jokes. It's about fucking time. It's what we've been
Starting point is 00:14:19 waiting for. Alright, I'm going to do it. Hot dice coming in. Alright, here we go and i even got a boring roll on it in 11 god i love this game gosh what a rush tip of the bell curve minus one to hit so attend what i think is i'm bad because i have minus one strength uh so yeah you come up with your light hammer and completely unused to the idea of even attacking another human being with a weapon. You kind of just like swing just generally in his space and you're just like, you're like a foot away from him just in front.
Starting point is 00:14:52 He just sees it go right past his face and nothing. And I say, sorry. Now it is Glenn Close's turn. Am I affected by the aforementioned? No, because you were not hurt. You didn't have to like to breathe back in so you can tell what's going on now you're gonna have to like avoid the smoke or whatever yeah i mean you'll have to avoid the smoke but i'm not gonna make you roll to like avoid it because
Starting point is 00:15:13 it's like you could just choose to hold your breath and like whatever sure sure and who's who's the closest to me there is a red brand ruffian right next to you with a blowing on a whistle saying alarm alarm can you see me as i flourish with my nunchucks yes he can see you so then you'll see the six flourish as it whips from my left to my right okay and then he sees again all right you not yourself again take damage that would be 1d6 of nut damage oh my god and uh three damage we'll never be a father again so this guy looks to his left and sees he's got vomit and like floating and he turns his right and sees you eat yourself in the nuts and you also take a suck in and you start fucking vomiting and start floating and then henry just swung with a hammer and missed. Ron, it's up to you. Ron, all you.
Starting point is 00:16:05 Big game, Ron. Okay, okay. I take both components of my disassembled, pre-assembled skip it, and I throw them individually at the same time at both guards. Holy shit. Oh, shit. What a move. Double ninja star action.
Starting point is 00:16:23 Okay. I, Beth May, describing ron's action i am moving my hands forward as if throwing with both of my hands at the same time and it looks hella cool i'll tell you right now it looks maybe like the least powerful thing anyone's ever done in history it's like somebody like directing air traffic control after their wrist got broken. But in the coolest way possible. Okay, so if you want to do that, you can do that. You're just going to roll an attack against both guys, but you'll have disadvantage on both of them. Okay.
Starting point is 00:16:54 So this is the first dude. 16. Roll again. You're going to take whatever is lesser. 15. Ooh! So you're going to do 1d6 plus 2 because we're basically pretending that your shimitar according
Starting point is 00:17:06 to the character sheet is a skip it awesome all right so roll damage on the first guy holy shit whoa six plus two eight wow okay so here's what happens the first guy so which part of the skip it did you throw at this guy i'm gonna skip or the ball i'm gonna say the ball okay shot put yeah was it just a it was just a mace right it was like a morning star yeah okay so this guy turns sees vomiting to his right and then sees vomiting to his left it goes what and as he's about to say what your ball comes in and just impacts into his face and just crushes his skull and he is fucking dead. So the last thing he sees is a grown man floating in the air vomiting, another man nutting himself.
Starting point is 00:17:49 And then air traffic control. And before all that, he got hit by the dad joke. So it was like the most confusing and last seconds of his entire life. That's how I want to go. Okay, so that dude's just fucking dead. Now you can roll for the second dude.
Starting point is 00:18:04 Six. All right, and the second one, the skip part of the skip, it just whooshes past, and he is unharmed. So that guy, he turns to look at you, one of the two only non-completely incompetent people in this fight,
Starting point is 00:18:15 and is going to come up to you and attack you with his short sword. So he hits you with both of his attacks, and you take 10 damage. Poor Ron. And then as his short sword cuts a chunk both of his attacks, and you take 10 damage. Poor Ron. And then as his short sword cuts a chunk out of your shoulder, the door behind him busts open,
Starting point is 00:18:30 and you see three more red band ruffians coming out, waving their hands in front of them, trying to dissipate the smoke. They have a little bit of vomit on their chest, but it seems like they didn't get much of it, and behind them, you can see that the bat moved around a little bit, but he didn't have enough time to fully fill the space. And there's definitely one room in the back that you can see smoke coming through a crack in a door
Starting point is 00:18:53 that seems like it's definitely smoked out. But in this large antechamber that makes up the majority of the warehouse, it feels like it didn't have time to fully get smoked out. So you're going to have to deal with these three as well. So now there are four Red Banded Ruffians remaining. And with that, it is now daryl wilson stern daryl wilson floating uh unsure of where he is vomiting sees three gentlemen come out through a door and daryl wilson puts his arm out and says hi my name is daryl wilson all right. Go ahead and roll persuasion because you're persuading them to be nice.
Starting point is 00:19:26 That is an 11. The three dudes stop in confusion, and one of them sort of slowly reaches out his hand as well. Does he grab my hand? Yeah, he does. I go, sorry for vomiting on your doorstep there, sir. I got to be honest. I don't quite know where.
Starting point is 00:19:44 Am I floating? You are. I got to be honest. I don't quite know where. Am I floating? You are. Yeah. Uh-huh. And then as he's saying that, he turns and he sees the dead skull fractured, impacted red brain next to him. And he goes, oh. And the guard that is next to Freddy goes like, they're attacking.
Starting point is 00:20:00 No, we have to do. They're attacking. And they go, oh, OK. I follow his gaze when he looks down and I see this collapsed skull. And I go, what the? And I vomit all over them. Okay. Roll constitution.
Starting point is 00:20:15 You want to fail this. Yes, yes. Eight. Perfect. Okay, so you roll. Oh, sorry, plus two. This is 10. Oh, never mind.
Starting point is 00:20:22 Shit. No, I'm just joking. I'm joking. So yeah, you vomit all over all three of them and so for the next round while they're dealing with that people will have advantage for attacks to hit against you're welcome everybody quick question how long is combat and do i actually forget for five minutes you forget whatever happened in the last five minutes so so you remember everything about the plan and everything just whatever happened in the last
Starting point is 00:20:44 i feel like i'm recovering It was a moment of complete I wasn't sure what's going on, but okay. You're basically back to normal. Next round. That's fine. Okay, so now it is Henry's turn again. Henry is going to have a weird moment. Oh man. As he feels really weird
Starting point is 00:20:59 about what just happened with this hammer. He senses like an anger inside him, a anger inside him a power inside him and he turns into a bear yes so i just turned to bears too i can turn into any animal i've seen before and he saw a grizzly bear once at the san diego zoo san diego zoo is the entire basis of your power that 200 day trip forms the foundation of all of your magical powers. Will's not going to turn into a wolf because I told him if he turns into a wolf, I'm going to try to ride him.
Starting point is 00:21:30 You'll get your chance, Matt. Don't you worry. I'm just going to say Darryl riding a bear is also maybe the best image. I know, but that's true. Both of them is hot as hell. So I bear out. Sounds good. Bear with me. It's a story break crossover as Henry says bear with me and turns into a bear. I don't know what a. Bear with me. It's a story break crossover.
Starting point is 00:21:45 As Henry says, bear with me and turns into a bear. I don't know what a bear's shit is. Can we look this up? Sorry. No, it's fine. I feel like I'm grinding us to a halt here. No, no. Brown bear, fifth edition.
Starting point is 00:21:54 Man, they really nerfed the bears ever since fourth. So you can bite, which is a plus five to hit with one D8 plus four piercing damage. Or you could try to claw, which is plus five to hit. And it's two D six plus four. It appears. Why would you ever bite? I'm going to claw. All right.
Starting point is 00:22:10 All right. I'm feeling like, Oh my God, you make multi attacks. Oh shit. You do a bite and a claw. This is way too powerful. This seems extremely imbalanced.
Starting point is 00:22:20 Can you like do that? Like once a day, probably I can do it twice per short rest. I can stay as a bear for an hour. I'll look that like once a day probably? I can do it twice per short rest. What? And I can stay as a bear for an hour. I'll look that up after the session. All right. Well, I'm getting away with it now.
Starting point is 00:22:32 So, I just roll a d20? You're going to roll a d20. All right. First, tell me, are you trying to attack the guys that got vomited on or the guy who is not vomited on? The guy I just missed with the hammer. Okay. So, the guy who's not vomited on. Yes.
Starting point is 00:22:42 All right. I got an 11 plus 5, right, to hit? Okay. So, that hits him with a bite. And now, go ahead and roll damage for the hammer. Okay, so the guy who's not vomited on. Yes. Alright. I got an 11 plus 5, right, to hit? Okay, so that hits him with the bite, and now go ahead and roll damage for the bite, so that'll be a d8 plus 4. Uh, which one of these fuckers is a d8? It's like two pyramids ass to ass. Ass to ass. Ass to ass. Uh, I got a
Starting point is 00:22:58 4. Okay, so that's 8 damage from that. Now hit him with the claws. Okay, and now he gets the claws. I, uh, did not so great on the claw i got a 13 including the bonus uh yeah it just barely just whiffs past him you hit him for eight damage so he's looking bloodied sweet now it is glenn closest turn so we got three guys with disadvantage we got one guy that's getting currently mauled by a bear that came out of nowhere very similar to one from the san diego zoo I want to say specifically it's a panda, if I can.
Starting point is 00:23:27 Oh my gosh. That's adorable. That's great. That's really good. To be fair, panda stats are slightly lazier. Lazier. Yeah. Like you can't fuck and you're not as bad.
Starting point is 00:23:38 Yeah, you have horrible seduction roles. Yeah, all your seduction roles don't work and you have to eat way more plants. Where does this come from? Are pandas not sexy? Yeah, pand your seduction roles don't work and you have to eat way more plants. Where does this come from? Are pandas not sexy? Yeah, pandas will not have sex with each other. They're like the only creature that's trying to become extinct.
Starting point is 00:23:53 They kind of just figured out that life is better if you just sit around eating bamboo rather than trying to get on a game. And then the best part about bamboo is that it provides so little nutrition to them that they have to eat ungodly amounts of it. Dude, no, for real, I went to the San Diego Zoo last year and we saw this new like baby boy
Starting point is 00:24:08 panda. And he was like 14 year old. Will. It was just this panda splayed out in a tree, just double fisting bamboo. All he needed was an Xbox controller. And it was like, it was just like,
Starting point is 00:24:20 it was like a Seth Rogen movie or something. It's hilarious. A 14 year old. Will had a lot of sex though. I plead the fifth. It's like 20-year-old Bev on her couch eating Laffy Taffys for like six months. The dream, essentially. If they go extinct, they go out doing what we all wish we had the courage to do.
Starting point is 00:24:36 Which is nothing. Yeah. So I'm woozy and floating, but I did seeon get chunked by that short sword so i'm gonna cast cure wounds on ron which i assume is within touch range right yep cure wounds touches uh hit points deal the 1d8 plus my spell casting ability modifier so that's 2d8 plus three i feel like as a bard rock dad this is like a restorative high five, right? Yeah, it's a fist pound. Yeah, it's a hey, hey, you're looking a little tired there. Get your head in the game. Let's do this. Let's
Starting point is 00:25:09 finish this show and I hold my fist out for a fist bump. I put my hand around it and get out and that heals you for 11. Wow, you got all your HP back. Oh man, I feel rejuvenated. I mean, I feel rejuvenated.
Starting point is 00:25:26 This heel went up to 11. All right. And on that note, it is now Ron Stampler's turn. Let's see. Can I do something to, I was thinking about doing something with my pants as I often do, but I would like to distract the guards,
Starting point is 00:25:42 the remaining guards using my transmutation cantrip. Okay. Describe it. Okay. So. Is Ron just going to run screaming into the woods? No. No, it's not.
Starting point is 00:25:55 Oh, what is it? Okay. So how do you pronounce this? Thaumaturgy? Yeah. Thaumaturgy? Which is create an instantaneous sound that originates from a point of your choice within range,
Starting point is 00:26:05 such as a rumble of thunder or ominous whispers. So Ron's version of this is called Daddy's Home. Oh, my God. And it's the enemy briefly hears the frightening voice of Ron's father from around them. Whoa. Okay. So what I'll say is that you can try to do that, but because they're already in combat and they saw somebody die,
Starting point is 00:26:26 you are definitely more their immediate concern than the sound of your dad. Potentially you would think you can roll intimidation, but you'll be at disadvantage. Okay. Big rolls. Let's do it. Big daddy rolls. Big daddy rolls.
Starting point is 00:26:39 That's a nine. Why don't you roll again? Cause it might be worse even. Oh, yikes. Okay. 14. All right. So yeah. What does your dad say it might be worse even. Oh, yikes. Okay. 14. All right.
Starting point is 00:26:45 So yeah. What does your dad say? I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. They hear that and they look at you because it seems to have affected you far more than it. I'm crying from the wound. And they just kind of shrug it off and continue to attack. So there are still four of these dudes. The three guys, the baddies, are going to spend their actions shaking the vomit from their eyes so that you no longer have advantage against them, but they did have to waste all turn
Starting point is 00:27:13 getting the vomit off of them. And the fourth one is going to attack the bear. How much HP does this bear have? I'm going to check that very shortly. All right, so hits you with its short sword for three damage, and then it hits you with its short sword for three damage, and then it hits you with its short sword. And does it hit?
Starting point is 00:27:31 Does it hit? Does it hit, daddy? Daddy, tell me. It does. So it hits you altogether for, this is a joke. What? You have 34 hit points as a bear. He hits you for six damage, and it means nothing to you, apparently.
Starting point is 00:27:48 Hey, so for six damage? Yeah. All right, so that'll knock me down to 28, which is two above my normal full health. Good lord. From now on, I'm role-playing a bear who turns into a druid every now and then. Every now and then. I do like the idea that you can just pick any animal from the San Diego Zoo. I know.
Starting point is 00:28:07 There's so many at the zoo. It's a great giraffe, a rhinoceros, an armadillo. There we go. An armadillo. Wow. All right. Well, I take the hit. Yep.
Starting point is 00:28:16 And I say boo boo. All right. Daryl. Okay. So I'm I will bet you $20. Matt is about to try to jump on me. No, no, no. So there's three armed people right in front of me. I forgot the last five minutes.
Starting point is 00:28:34 I look over at... I'm like, Glenn, what the hell has happened? Hey, man. I think we're in a fight. Weren't we supposed to do an ambush? I don't know, man. This stuff's hitting me pretty hard what i shake off and i look i see three armed men in front of me
Starting point is 00:28:49 and i evoke rage okay and now when i evoke rage i have ancestral protectors which i didn't read until recently i thought it was a cool name i thought all it did was make sure that if they don't attack me they get disadvantage on anybody else they try to attack. Okay. But the important thing is, is that the reason that happens is because from my body comes the spectral spirits of all of Daryl Wilson's favorite fathers. Whoa. Wait, how many fathers do you have?
Starting point is 00:29:19 So my own father steps out and begins circling the men, and he reaches out his hand, and he goes, Hi, nice to meet you, and he starts shaking their hands. Abraham father steps out and begins circling the men, and he reaches out his hand, and he goes, Hi, nice to meet you. And he starts shaking their hands. Abraham Lincoln steps out. George Washington steps out. And Mike Brady from the Brady Bunch steps out. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:29:40 Daryl Wilson's favorite show. Is your that or going to be tool time? Favorite show. Steps out. And begins circling them and just imbuing them with dad knowledge. Just to be like, hey, you know, you guys shouldn't be fighting. Hey, hey, hey. And they're just talking.
Starting point is 00:29:52 Okay. As a man who studied the presidents, can you give me a little bit of like what is Washington saying and what is Lincoln saying? Sure glad I have all these slaves. Oh, man. Oh, man. I'm sure glad I have all these slaves. Oh, man. Oh, man.
Starting point is 00:30:08 And Abraham Lincoln would be like, oh, you're not going to keep those for much longer. So I evoke rage, and then I swing at the one in the middle of those three. Okay, so you can evoke rage as like a bonus action? As a bonus action, I evoke rage, and it lasts for one minute. Go ahead and swing. That's a three.
Starting point is 00:30:28 So I miss. All of your favorite dads are very disappointed in you. All of them stop and they just turn to look at you and they just kind of silently shake their heads. I stare at my dad and I go, I miss you. Oh my God. I put my head down. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:30:44 How did Daryl's dad die? Did he die or did he just leave? We'll get to there at some point. He's dead though. Okay. That's why he's a ghost. He didn't leave and become a ghost. I kind of just imagined that these were the spirits of the way that you view them rather than like literally their spirits.
Starting point is 00:31:01 So you're related to George Washington and Abraham Lincoln? If you're an American, you are all related to... We're all related to the founding fathers, Freddie. Ron hears that. Ron hears that excuse, and then he perks up. All right.
Starting point is 00:31:23 Wow. All right. We. All right. We are back to Henry Oak's turn. Henry Oak in bear form rears in astonishment at the appearance of four ghost dads and then lets out a patriotic growl at the sight of Abraham
Starting point is 00:31:38 Lincoln. He's so pumped up. He's going to hit this guy again with his big bear claws. Sounds good. Can you swing those two attacks on two different people? Yeah. Oh, maybe I'll'll do that then maybe i'll bite one and hit the other with my with my claws yeah i mean i think you can bite one and then see if it kills him and then choose to hit another guy let's do that let's start with that bite shisha got an eight plus uh five so 13 not quite enough just barely your teach just right out of right out of my bear tongue ow all right i'm gonna go ahead and i'm mad and i rolled a nine uh plus 5 14 that hits bingo uh 26 plus three oh shit plus four actually i just looked up god so that's i rolled nine
Starting point is 00:32:19 plus four is 13 damage okay so you just bisect him he there was one of him and now there's just two parts of him and he just dies very quick. So quickly, he doesn't even know what happened. The bear part of Henry is very stoked, but the human part of Henry, who's in control, is very horrified at what just happened.
Starting point is 00:32:35 So it is Glenn Close's turn again. So we got one who's been bisected. Yeah, you only have three living ones remaining. They were the ones that had been vomited on that are now standing in front of Floaty Daryl. So the substance use has put me in a somewhat social mood. So I'm going to cast a first level spell, a charm person. Okay. I'm going to attempt to charm one of those three post vomit. I kind of tap them on the show. I'm like, Hey man, pretty sweet robes you got going on there. I dig it. I think that the I think that really kind of compliments the
Starting point is 00:33:05 whole like outfit you guys got going. I like I like your guys's whole style your whole steez. All right. This person must attempt to do a
Starting point is 00:33:11 wisdom saving throw with advantage with advantage because we're in combat. You're in combat and there's a wisdom of saving throw of 13. Okay.
Starting point is 00:33:18 So that's he fails. All right. So what happens when he fails now is that is charmed by you until the spell ends or until you or your companions do anything harmful to it the charm creature regards you as a friendly acquaintance when the spell ends the creature knows it was charmed by you so you say all those nice things to him and he like pauses for a second and kind of cocks his head and he
Starting point is 00:33:37 goes hey like a hog he's like it's my old pal. I recognize you. Hey. Hey. We totally fumbled a handshake, but it's fine because we're buds. Yeah, he goes for a handshake and you go for like a hug and then you do the like. But it's charming and endearing. We're like, this is the exact weird dance we used to do. It's our whole thing. Messing up handshakes.
Starting point is 00:33:59 What you doing here, man? Man, this is romantic as hell. We're just looking for this. I heard you guys got this sick axe in there, man? Man, this is romantic as hell. We were just looking for this, I heard you guys got this sick axe in there, dude. So, as you say that, the other two are like, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing?
Starting point is 00:34:16 That'll be your turn. So, he's on your side now. So, when it comes time for the bandit's turn, he will do whatever you want him to do. Now it is Ron's turn. Okay. Ron sees the chain part of the skippet in the distance and he's going to try just
Starting point is 00:34:31 empowered by honestly the rage of his father's voice and all those other fathers just being disappointed at another father. There's just a lot of fatherly sorrow that's fueling his anger right now and so he's just going to try to
Starting point is 00:34:47 like, he missed that one throw, but he's going to go find that chain. Gosh darn it. Okay. And then he's going to try to strangle somebody with it. Okay, so I'll just say you just get the chain, no problem, because I would usually have you do an opportunity attack,
Starting point is 00:35:05 but the person who would do that for Will just bisected. So you just get the chain. Let's say, are you going to try to check them from the front or from behind? From behind. Okay, so then roll stealth to see if you can get behind them without them noticing. Five plus four, that's nine. Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 00:35:23 They rolled a crit fail. The suspense. So you easily come up behind them because they're so busy being irritated that one of their friends is all of a sudden like buddy, buddy with the floating vomiting guy, with one of the two floating vomiting guys. So go ahead and roll an attack on them.
Starting point is 00:35:41 Eight. Okay, so you get the chain over his head, but as you're about to pull it tight, he sees what you're doing and then puts a hand up to grab the inside of the chain. And so now you two are sort of struggling together and he's got his hand on your weapon.
Starting point is 00:35:54 So he's gonna have to deal with that as his action. So it's now the baddie's turn. So his action is gonna be, he's gonna try to do a strength check to sort of duck under the chain. Why don't you roll strength um 10 plus one oh okay so he uh doesn't make it you pull it tighter and you've just got him restrained now okay the second guy freddy you get to determine what he does your friend i feel like i feel like
Starting point is 00:36:18 because so i have some that allows me to have these guys attack like so i have a second level one that's called crown of madness which is like oh okay so i think this is like this is like my good college buddy so if someone attacks me i feel like he would be like hey what the heck this is my buddy glenn like what the hell like he would be can i throw an idea yeah let's hear it i have an idea i was thinking about this earlier is this the guy with the whistle like the the alarm whistle that was the guy you killed the guy with the alarm was covered in blood in two sections could we could we like blow that whistle again it's like a hey false alarm whistle like in thief, like when the guards are alerted and then you hide for a second and then they're like, I guess nothing happened.
Starting point is 00:36:52 Must have been rats back to my normal life. Like, can we can we do like I'm going to try? I like that. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to try and pull him over to the side so he doesn't see like what is clearly about to happen. Like I feel like we've been having a conversation like catching up on old college times and i'm gonna like kind of put my arm around him and kind of like lead him over well he's gonna lead me because i'm floating but like kind of turn him away he's carrying you like a balloon like a little child on a string just so much we have
Starting point is 00:37:15 to catch up on we were such good buddies back in college sure bard college is bard college yeah what are you saying to him freddie yeah we took it yeah we took the pickup artist course together hey how's the game going um but the point being is that so he doesn't see what the chaos that's currently happening sure and the persuasion here is i'm gonna be like dude it's been like a wild night like these two guys they got in a fight like you see this this guy bashed the other guy's head in like it sounded like you guys got a little dissent in the ranks here i feel like i mean you heard the whistle but i think that's a kind of false alarm. I think we should, you know, maybe.
Starting point is 00:37:47 Okay, roll deception with advantage because he is trying 15 15. Okay, that succeeds and he goes like, oh man, you're right. This is just like that one frat party that you guys have frats here. There's just like that one party that you guys had. Remember we have frats. They're extremely deadly. Yeah, like those deadly frats like come There's just like that one party that you guys had. Remember? We have frats there. Extremely deadly. Yeah. Like those deadly frats.
Starting point is 00:38:07 They come from the ground underneath. Many tentacles and many eyes. The frats are creatures of great fear. Just waiting to hear about the sorority.
Starting point is 00:38:17 We talked about that all the time in college. Yeah. Sorority is actually pretty nice. They get a bad rap because people tend to be really anti-woman for kind of no reason,
Starting point is 00:38:26 but like they're generally fine. No, like as a woman, sororities are the worst. Are they really? Yeah, they're horrific. I don't know that. Okay, so yeah, he goes, yeah, good point. I feel like these guys might get even more upset if the alarm keeps going. So let me just take a quick.
Starting point is 00:38:42 He takes out his whistle and does the exact noise that i just made wait he does like he he takes out the whistle but he just makes the noise yeah he does it into the whistle and it like barely goes through and comes out a little bit more high pitched and the third guy who still saw like the second guy get strangled and he still has his action left he goes dude what the fuck are you doing and he moves to take out his whistle and then he thinks no actually i should probably deal with the guy that's choking my friend out first so he turns and tries to attack ron and crit fails now the tables have turned daddy master so he's in his attempt to attack ron he accidentally attacks the guy that ron is strangling and he does three damage to him.
Starting point is 00:39:28 So he takes his short sword out and tries to hit Ron in the face, but just misses and cuts off the guy's ear. He goes, my bad, my bad. I'll try again, I'll try again. It'll be different this time, I promise. Oh, are you kidding me? The chances of that are literally one in 400.
Starting point is 00:39:43 Did you crit fail again? I did. Oh, no. My goodness. He goes, it was going to be different this time. And then it's not different this time. Again, for three damage. And he cuts off his other ear and he goes, whoa.
Starting point is 00:39:55 It was different in a different way, I guess. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. That many crit fails in a row. That's pretty eerie. Oh, my god. Everybody roll a d4 or
Starting point is 00:40:07 add on top of it. Ron is like, what's that? You're attacking me? I can't hear you. Okay. Daryl Wilson takes 4 damage. He's going to use stone's endurance
Starting point is 00:40:23 to protect himself from this dad joke that he just heard. I feel like those are the two words that Daryl furiously thinks when he's getting soft during sex. Stones and dirt. Come on, Carol. You know your man's got stones and dirt. I stopped all that damage. Like Daryl's equivalent of Bed Bath & Beyond. Stoned endurance.
Starting point is 00:40:47 Stoned endurance. Freddie's going to his mind palace right now. He's doing stuff with his hands like Sherlock to push shit out of the way. I feel like you guys just be willing to do it. Otherwise, you take it. I know, I know, I know. It's a tough one.
Starting point is 00:41:01 Can I do one for Freddie just to show off? Yeah. I mean, it won't help him. You'll just be showing off and shaming him you cut off his ears talk about a lobe blow i had a lobe one that i was working on shit yep all right so that's two d4 you got to take a d4 um so which guard are you gonna three damage are you gonna attack with those d4s of yours the guy who lost his ear or the guy who took the ears the guy who lost his ears didn't hear these that's true oh that's a really good point okay so the guy who took who took the dude's ears off
Starting point is 00:41:30 takes 2d4 of damage okay so he takes four damage which is nothing to sneeze at also also your friend like your baddie friend who got charmed was like oh my god you weren't joking these guys are there's all kinds of descent they're they're fucking bushing each other oh my god yeah man it sounds like you guys got a little discipline problem going on here what's going on oh no uh it is once again daryl's turn i mean i'm i guess daryl wilson just swings an axe at he does dungeon dragon stuff you had a pretty good turn last turn when four presidents came out of your butt or whatever. Are the presidents still there? Have they dissipated into the mist? Yeah, they're kind of like, they kind of hover around.
Starting point is 00:42:11 In a way, they're always there. Yeah, they're kind of just like circling around, kind of vaguely saying dad stuff. And, you know, the fact that Daryl fucked up so hard last time, I mean, he's just trying to swing. So, ah, damn it. I can feel it coming in the ear tonight oh that's terrible it's too late for it it's too late for it but i just it came to me darryl wilson despite chanting stones endurance again and again rolled a four so it's a nine oh okay it almost does something but not quite so yeah you swing with your what are you swinging with it's my golf club oh yeah so you swing your golf club and uh bogey you got a bogey as i do it i i can literally see
Starting point is 00:42:53 abraham lincoln shaking his head at me a notoriously gray golfer all right it's now henry oaks turn again for what is almost certainly going to be the last round of combat. Okay, so what do we got? We got a guy with no ears who's getting choked out by a chain. Yeah, and then the third guy is Freddy's friend. Henry Oak is going to debare. Okay. And then he's going to look at the guy who just cut the friend's ears off.
Starting point is 00:43:17 I'm just going to be like, take the L, man. All right, roll, let's say intimidation. Okay. I'd say persuasion. Persuasion. That's pretty friendly. All right, roll, let's say intimidation. Okay. I'd say persuasion. Persuasion, okay. That's pretty friendly. I got a 14 plus one is 15.
Starting point is 00:43:30 He goes, yeah, fair enough. And he sheathes his sword and he's like, I'm just, I'm out. I'm gone. I can't go back in there. He knows I did that. I'm not going to kill my friend. So he just walks into the fucking forest and out of this story forever. kill my friend so he just walks into the fucking forest and out of this story forever um so you are now out of combat the guy with no ears just drops his sword is like i
Starting point is 00:43:52 i'd stop i'm sorry whatever it was go what do you want what do you want oh my god wilson nice to meet you daryl wilson what daryl wilson nice to meet you he reaches out grabs your hand i shake it i i bring my guy back over i'm like and luckily now his friend can't hear all the lies and i'm boring into his ear because he's basically deafened by and i go hey guys this is uh and i do that thing where i introduce other people first so that he'll say his name this is good. I think this is Daryl. Hello. Nice to meet you. Oh, he shakes your hand and goes, hi, hi, I'm Harrelson. Harrelson?
Starting point is 00:44:28 Yeah. Yeah, Harry. It's me. You're a good pal, Harrelson? Yeah. Yeah. Harrelson. Good old Harry.
Starting point is 00:44:34 Cool. Hey, Harrelson. I'm going to turn back away and kind of look at their hideout. So you guys are like hanging on to like an axe or something in there?
Starting point is 00:44:42 Oh, did you come to see the axe? Yeah. It's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. It's in the room with all the smoke coming out of it. That's I don't know what that's about. Hold on one second, Harry.
Starting point is 00:44:53 Let me just consult with my buds here. These guys are cool. Don't worry about it. I'm going to do a quick dad. Dad huddle. Dad huddle. Can we just ask him to get the axe for us? Yeah, I think that's the way to do it.
Starting point is 00:45:02 Pretty good idea. He's my bud. But here's the thing. If he does go into that room, he'll start floating and barfing and forget what just happened in the last five minutes. So he'll probably forget that he's there for the axe. We could write on his hand, hey, I'm here to get the axe. So that when he's barfing and floating. It's like that movie.
Starting point is 00:45:23 Remember me. Spike it. He could hold his... Hey, Harrelson, how long can you hold your breath? That's a very specific... I don't know. Well, I mean, you could hold your breath, run into a room holding his breath, grab the axe and get out. How big's the
Starting point is 00:45:38 room? What do you want me to do? I've heard that the battle axe of hatred looks especially beautiful in the moonlight. So we were wondering if we could get a look at that bad boy in the pale light of the moon. And since all your guys seem pretty crazy, like, I don't know if they're going to trust us. Because they're not as cool as you, Harrelson. Maybe we were thinking, you know, you could go in and get the axe from out of that big fort so we could look at it and skip Anthony's dungeon.
Starting point is 00:46:03 All right, go ahead and roll persuasion, you piece of shit. that big fort so we could look at it and skip anthony's dungeon all right go ahead and roll persuasion you piece of shit ah oh i gotta be i have advantage from all my horrible jokes because i'm a horrible person so i'm gonna roll that again inspired moment from our boy henry uh i got a um a 12 yeah let's see he goes uh no i don't i don't think i want to it feels like they they said it should just stay in that room. I feel like I'm being a cool dude by even letting you guys come in to see it. So don't make me feel like a dick. What if we said, please? Ooh.
Starting point is 00:46:35 Yeah, no difference. No difference for me on that one. I put my arm around Harrelson. I go, hey, you like everybody in that? Are they your friends in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The red brands. I mean, we're pretty tight. And he puts a hand to his chest.
Starting point is 00:46:49 He goes, we're old money. Okay. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. So if you care about all those people in there, you can either go get the axe, or we're going to go and get the axe, and we go get the axe.
Starting point is 00:46:58 All your friends are going to look like, and then I turn him to look at all the bodies of his friends, and I kind of put my foot in some of the visceral on the floor. Oh my God. And like that like that. So those are two options and Ron says looks like that old money is broke. Hell yeah
Starting point is 00:47:16 Ron. Thanks Daryl. That's that's just like good. That's not even a dad joke. That's just like a good one liner. That's like a David Caruso. Yeah. Oh, that's like a you Caruso that Ron reaches that's a David. Oh, that's like a you Caruso'd that one. Ron reaches for his sunglasses and realized he never had them. So Daryl, roll intimidation with advantage.
Starting point is 00:47:34 18 plus one, 19. So he goes like, Oh, oh, so your friends are mean. So you got some gangster friends, huh? Huh, my man Glenn? Yeah, you know. After college or whatever school we attended, things got a little rough for me, I guess.
Starting point is 00:47:49 Glenn's not very good at making people feel like. But once he's in with you, he's cool. Hey, Harrison. Yeah. Is there like a rank system? Like how are you? Are you up on the ladder here? How are you in terms of the ladder?
Starting point is 00:48:01 I'm like middle management. Harrison, are there any like upper management management positions available I have my resume I mean one of the guys you just killed was like slightly above me so I guess okay I guess I have his job now so maybe not but who has your job is there a HR uh there is a guy who works for us the name named HR correct yes it's me Harold yeah it's me Harold and Ron that's my name oh my first name is ron this is such a coincidence that's crazy darryl wilson's just like rubbing his head like i don't get we he's like oh sorry yeah i'm scared what do you want what what do i have to do to not die oh we wouldn't kill you your last names are wrong i mean i i can't i can't speak for these all right dad huddle Well guys I just need to make sure if we're going to kill him or not
Starting point is 00:48:47 Because if we're going to kill him I should probably take his last name As his murderer and then I'll be Ron Ron Well Ron Ron I believe what I was trying to do Was that we just send him in To get the axe And I think he'll do it now because if he doesn't
Starting point is 00:49:02 We said we'd kill all of his friends Or if I take the position of his former manager I can fire because if he doesn't, we said we'd kill all of his friends. Or if I take the position of his former manager, I can fire him if he doesn't get the axe. I like it. It's a two-pronged approach. Daryl looks over to Henry and Glenn and kind of like raises his hands like, are you guys going to...
Starting point is 00:49:17 Could you go get that axe for us maybe? Sure. And if you don't get it, you'll also be fired by your new manager, Ron. I was already so intimidated and now I'm worried about my job security? I know. You've changed since college. Ron reaches out a hand and puts it on his shoulder in a slightly menacing way.
Starting point is 00:49:34 And he says, I'm not sure you should be intimidated. I'm just saying your job might not be here if you don't come back with the axe. Oh my God. It's the cruelest thing. Also, our Christmas party is canceled. Oh no, I was looking forward to that. Does Harrelson walk away? Yes, Harrelson Ron walks away
Starting point is 00:49:52 and goes like, okay, here we go. As he walks away, Daryl looks at Ron and Glenn and be like, good job guys. That was a team effort. Yeah. Hands in the middle. Honestly, I think we should have the Christmas party
Starting point is 00:50:03 regardless of whether he comes back out. That's a great idea. All right. I put my hand in the middle honestly um i think we should have the christmas party regardless of whether he comes back that's a great idea all right i put my hand in the middle right how bloody is everyone's hands in the middle i mean henry's are insanely bloody because it was his claws i'm just i'm elbow deep in gore and viscera so i slap my hand on last with like a big wet like thump sound and then i say i'm this is gross i need to clean up after this, guys. You know, this started off pretty rough, but I mean, I called the presidents. You charmed a guy. You became a bear and Ron, you
Starting point is 00:50:31 threw that skip at hella good. I became the boss. Yeah. I say one, two, three doodlers. One, two, three doodlers. Guys, there's smoke coming out of the room. Do you still want me to go because there's smoke coming out of the room. Do you still want me to go in because there's smoke? Just hold your breath there, Harry. I mean, how bad?
Starting point is 00:50:54 Really? Hold on, let me try this. And I get a pen and I write on his hand, bring the axe out. Okay. All right. I take the pen and I said, or you're fired. Do you write it on the same hand or does he just have one hand that just says or you're fired if he looks at the wrong hand okay all right uh okay ron takes the other hand and then ducks him in the pen 15
Starting point is 00:51:16 don't worry about that smoke is totally fine and totally cush okay okay here i go and he runs in and he going to do a constitution check. He disappears into the smoke, and you hear... I'm sure that sounds great on the podcast. You hear the sound of his feet receding into the distance, and then... For the return trip. You hear a dice roll.
Starting point is 00:51:40 Yeah, you hear a dice roll. And then on the return trip, you hear... Oh, no! dice roll yeah you hear dice roll and then on their turn trip you hear oh no you hear vomit he goes and puts his hands up to like cover the vomit and then he like sees for a split second before he vomits on his hands you're fired or you're fired good to bring out the axe okay so let's do a wisdom saving throw for that. All right, so he comes out holding something wrapped in a bundle of fabric. Going like, ah, ah!
Starting point is 00:52:10 With a vomit just running down his chin, just hoping that this will like... He actually, sorry, he doesn't walk out. He like floats out. The momentum pulls him over. He's just like swimming in the air. Like Willy Wonka style? Yeah, like Willy Wonka.
Starting point is 00:52:21 Like he just fucking took fizzy lifting drink. Good pull on the name of the drink, by the way. Well, now the ceiling needs to be washed. And he fucking comes out looking just very confused and very sad. Just tears. He's doing like the painful vomit where just tears are coming out of his fucking eyes. And some of the vomit's coming out of his nose because those are connected tubes. And he comes out just holding this bundle.
Starting point is 00:52:42 And he just drops it on the ground. He goes, help. I need help. Help. Help. I pat him on the back encouragingly. And I say, thanks so much, Harrelson. You have a good night.
Starting point is 00:52:52 And I just sort of gently push him back in the room and close the door. Oh, my God. As this happens, Ron calls out, you did good. This will come up in your next performance review. We don't really have the funds for raises right now, but check in next year. I was going to give him some water. I was going to, yeah. I have a spell called Goodberry
Starting point is 00:53:10 where you can give him a berry and it heals him a little bit. I guess we just threw him in the bar. The girl's perplexed. She just watches him drift away like, okay. Yeah, you just hear five men in there just vomiting over and over again and in fucking surround sound
Starting point is 00:53:24 because they're also pinballing off the walls like it's like like the dvd symbol in the menu we gotta wait to wait we gotta wait for one of them to hit the corner guys and i sort of dust my hands i'm like hey guys looks like we got ourselves an axe okay so you hear uh behind you you hear uh small feet sort of running up and then as you turn around you see like oh it's nick cool and he looks at the bundle on the ground. He goes, oh, that's it. That's it. That's it. Let's get it and go. Let's get it and go. Point of order. Should we check the bundle to make sure it's actually the axe? Yeah, let's take a quick look.
Starting point is 00:53:54 I want to see this axe in the moonlight. Someone told me it looks great in the moonlight. Hold on, Nick. Let me just make sure I'm going to unwrap it so we can see it and make sure it is the axe. So Freddie Wong, not Glenn Close. Okay. Describe to me. Who's that? That has been YouTuber? Yeah, yeah. Former professional guitar hero player, Freddie Wong. What is your ideal guitar?
Starting point is 00:54:15 Oh, okay. Okay. All right. So in terms of ideal guitars, what we're going to be looking at here is probably... I'm already bored. I take it back. You unveil, you open up the fabric and you see...
Starting point is 00:54:31 A PRS styling pre-1994 because 1994 they switched to CNC machines and their quality took a significant drop. So early 90s PRS, probably single coil. Yeah. And they'll probably do the pearlescent inlays on top of that with the uh the bird frets i can see that uh will over there's googling it to get a sense of what it is they do a great quilted maple finish on those this just looks rad and then you got the sort of inlay the mother of pearl inlays on top of that i googled this and i just see a
Starting point is 00:55:01 bunch of fucking guitars so you realize as you open the fabric that this is not just the battle axe of hatred. This is the battle axe of hatred. This is the guitar of, I mean, the brand name on it is a little bit different and the shape of it is slightly not quite what you're used to on earth, but this is clearly a demonically cool guitar.
Starting point is 00:55:25 And as your hand reaches out for it, you can feel an energy within it that is calling to you. Ooh, I mean, I feel like I'm definitely picking this thing up. Okay, so you now have, as an inventory item, as a potential weapon, the battle axe of hatred. So the way that this will work as a weapon is that you need a full action to hype it up to like get it going to get it tuned up to get it tuned up yeah get it you
Starting point is 00:55:52 spend an action to tune up once you do that it's like a melee weapon that gives you plus three to hit and if you ever connect you get to do an additional 2d6 damage whoa but then after that you need to roll to see if it breaks like jimmy hendrix like smashing a guitar on the stage like the power of it takes it so far that i smash it yeah after you're gonna have to roll after every attack with it to see if it breaks or not interesting that's a good mechanic yeah so you come you come with that yeah good mechanic so uh that's something you have now all right guys i think this is it hey what what it? We got there. There's no axe. What is that?
Starting point is 00:56:25 Bass guitar? It's a rock and six string. It's like I think this is what Bon Jovi was talking about in Wanted Dead or Alive. That's the six string from the song. My God, it's the one. This is it. Does it sound like an electric guitar? Like is it like somehow emanate strong, harsh harsh overdriven riffs from it despite the fact
Starting point is 00:56:45 that it is an inanimate object yes it feels like an electric guitar but it feels like it is powered by the screaming of an ancient and evil lord it feels like every single note that comes out of it is just a different pitch of pain and agony and suffering that the thing within this guitar has caused at some point in its millennia-long lifespan. So it sounds like David Lee Roth. If David Lee Roth was a guitar, this is that guitar. Oh, yeah! Yep, so it sounds real good.
Starting point is 00:57:22 Does it just look like an electric guitar like from our world? It looks like it visually, but when you lock eyes with it, you feel down in your heart and down in the lizard part of your brain, both simultaneously, they're next to each other, that there is something evil about this thing
Starting point is 00:57:39 in like a cool ass way, like in a dope metal way. But there is definitely something inside of this thing that wants to get out uh henry oak is going to make a wisdom insight check okay he's getting bad vibes off this guitar let's do it let's do arcana check arcana yeah okay that's for like magic that's shit i don't have a bonus in that but let's do it anyway your geology will not help you here. I got a nine. So you definitely feel that something inside is alive. It is evil. You do not know what its motives are.
Starting point is 00:58:11 Guys, I think that thing Anthony just said, there's something alive in that guitar. And that's why I can't stop noodling on these scales. No, Glenn, I feel like as seductive and alluring as this guitar is, we should treat it carefully and we should maybe not try to swing it around all the time. Like this is this bad juju coming off of this thing. Like, you know, I'm no enemy to the classic rock sounds.
Starting point is 00:58:37 You know, I've got an acoustic back home, but I just I feel like maybe we should be careful here. That's all I'm saying. Can you play Wonderwall? Yeah, sure. it sounds like this that's the most rock and roll rendition of wonderwall you've ever heard it turns it from a great song into an even better one that's right banger to the bangest. That's right. Guys, let's go. We got it. Let's get in the van. Let's get out of here, man. Okay, cool. So, y'all get back in the van.
Starting point is 00:59:10 Lizard Boy scales McStuffins. We did good? You nailed it? Oh, yeah, Lizard Boy. You got it, man. Do you mind passing waters out to everybody? Yeah, absolutely. Waters for everybody. Thanks, man. Alright. So, as you drive back... Hold on. I feel like I gotta whisper something sweet nothing so the car's been about an hour. Oh, sure so yeah the car doesn't hold on one second guys I
Starting point is 00:59:30 climb out to the back of the water mice, I'm going to assume that Nick and Glenn are in the back seat sort of just hanging out, looking at the guitar, admiring it and stuff like that. Noodling on it. Yeah, noodling on it. Nick says, so that no one other than you can hear. So I'd like every other player to take off your headphones
Starting point is 01:00:05 and put your fingers in your ears. Oh, shit. Ooh, this is drama. Hey, Dad. Yeah. You know that curse that the wizard put on me? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I made it up.
Starting point is 01:00:17 What? Yeah, I kind of just wanted to keep hanging out with you and with the water mice. So I kind of made it up because your friends seemed like shitty, but I think, I think we should like ditch them and just sort of hang out together. Dude. Yeah. Let me be the first to tell you. That sounds like an awesome idea.
Starting point is 01:00:36 Oh, I'm so glad that you think so. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Okay. So how are we going to do this? I think we got to find an opportunity to sort of ditch him and get the van. And then we could, uh, we could take some of the drugs, some of the, some of the flowers and then take them to like water deep and sell them. And then just sort of hit the road together, father and son band. We could road trip and like fund the road trip with these illicit substances out of the back of our van. This sounds exactly like something I did back in the eighties. It's exactly what you told me you did. And I and I feel like I can finally live your childhood with you.
Starting point is 01:01:07 Okay, man, this sounds good. Okay, let's do it. Okay, great. What were we doing while all that whispering was going on? I don't know. What were you doing? What are you doing on the way back? I was telling Cern how it all went. How did it go? Oh, Cern, it was pretty wild.
Starting point is 01:01:24 Henry there turned into a bear. I called all the founding fathers, and man, I just wailed on them all. I ran in front of the dad, the president, and then the other president, and my favorite TV dad. I crushed it. Ron crushed it. We all crushed it. We all totally made our dads proud. But you especially, you were really heroic.
Starting point is 01:01:41 You did a lot of cool stuff. I did my best, which I think everybody appreciated. Sir, I got to be honest. I didn't make my dad proud. Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry about that, Ron. That's okay, Ron. Do you like your dad?
Starting point is 01:01:51 I love my dad, but... I didn't say love. The way, what I always told my kids before Pyramid Squished them. What did you tell him, Cern? I told him that like, I want you to love me, but I want you to like me too. Because love can be a complicated thing. Liking somebody is pretty straightforward. Everybody
Starting point is 01:02:10 wants to be liked. Well, listen, I like you, sir. I like you too. Oh, wait, no, I don't. You were a dick to me like yesterday. Sir. Sir. I've always been on. I've always been very pro, sir. CERN. CERN. I've always been on. I've always been very pro CERN. All right. You had a hard day. Always pro, never con CERN.
Starting point is 01:02:29 To be flit. Hold on. That's not. No, I'm being genuine here. No, but just earlier today, you told CERN that you didn't care about anything he was saying to you, including my dead kids. Yeah. Here's the thing. I don't like my dad, but I don't want to talk about that either.
Starting point is 01:02:41 So let's just. Okay, cool. Cool. I respect your boundaries. Piece of shit. I do want to say Henry Oak is using all the wet wipes to wipe all the entrails off of his arms. I'm assuming
Starting point is 01:02:51 that... I appreciate that there, Henry. Yeah, I'm trying not to touch anything. It's not going well. There's just like a lot of tiny, bloody wet wipes on the ground. Perfect. So you come back to the lair of the water mice, and Ellery comes out and goes like hey guys
Starting point is 01:03:07 have the have the quest go everything go cool and uh nick's like yeah awesome we got the axe it's fucking awesome look at this he doesn't actually do that he just like is doing air guitar because he doesn't want to touch it because he feels like it's yours now and he's really proud that you have it and she goes how did it go with the red brands did you like get in and out like quietly? And he goes like, ah, no, no. And as he says that you hear hoofbeats in the distance, first a couple and then many, many, many more. Soon the camp of the water mice is surrounded by dozens and dozens of red brands on horseback holding flaming torches. And from all of them, a single rider breaks out from the pack with a bundle on his back.
Starting point is 01:03:50 He has a hood on and he sort of unfurls it back and this long, beautiful blonde hair sort of spills down from his head across his shoulders. And he says, what did you do? You took the battle axe of hatred. You know what this means, don't you? It's time for us to go to battle with the water mice. What say you to this?
Starting point is 01:04:10 And Ellery goes like, oh, I mean, it was kind of their thing. And she points at you guys. And she goes, so you're sort of going to battle with them, not the water mice. That was the thing that he wanted to do. Henry Oak here. We were doing it for them, though.
Starting point is 01:04:23 Yeah, they asked us to do it. It's their orders. We're just the middle man here. she's being a very modest mouse. She was like, you beat me to it. Oh my God. It was her idea
Starting point is 01:04:36 the whole time. I really give all the credit in the world to her. So let's just all float on, okay? Yeah. And you did. And you did during the fight.
Starting point is 01:04:46 Oh, my God. Wow. So this blonde warrior goes like, it doesn't matter which one of you started it. But for the record, they started it. I feel like it's you guys are the ones with blood on. Like, are you literally holding a bunch of bloody wet wipes? I feel like it was probably you.
Starting point is 01:05:01 Kool-Aid. There's Kool-Aid. Do you have Kool-Aid? No. What is Kool-Aid? There's Kool-Aid. Do you have Kool-Aid? No, what is Kool-Aid? It's blood. I mean, shoot. Okay, so it's blood. Alright, so we're just admitting that it was we're just fully accepting it was you
Starting point is 01:05:13 in the weird behemoth, the mental behemoth that did all the killing. Oh yeah. And you're holding the axe. So he goes, okay, that means it's time for a proper battle. If I was being pathetic, if I was being like Ellery here, just stealing things in the night, I might say we should just take your head for this.
Starting point is 01:05:30 But I've got some good news for people who like bad news. It's time for a proper battle and not some cowardly battle made with swords and bows and arrows. This will be a battle. And he grabs the bundle on his back and shing and like the cloth comes off of it. And you see that that it's a guitar almost like the sister to the guitar that you have in your hands but with lightning shooting out of the fresh and he goes it will be a battle
Starting point is 01:05:52 of the bands oh man Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song by Maxton Waller. This week, as you've heard, we've launched our Patreon. If you've enjoyed our show and want to support this 100% serious podcast about parenting, now you can. We've got a bunch of
Starting point is 01:06:30 different tiers for you dad joke aficionados out there, and there's a whole slew of cool perks for being able to submit items and character names to extra podcasts, videos, and one-shots, and even uncut versions of the episodes and DM notes. I could list everything out here and Borey to death or you could see it with your own two eyes at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. And again folks, regardless of whether or not you become a Patreon supporter, thank you so much for listening and writing reviews on iTunes
Starting point is 01:06:55 and telling your friends about this show. We see it out there and we appreciate it immensely. We're on Twitter at dungeonsanddads and we got Facebook band club going at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads, but for those of you free from Zuckerberg's yolk, find our subreddit at reddit.com slash r slash Dungeons
Starting point is 01:07:12 and Daddies. Back at you May 21st, but every dad knows that May 12th is the more important date. That's Mother's Day. That's this Sunday. Don't forget. We'll see you later. There was a time when you could read between the lines you know they never brought
Starting point is 01:07:28 you down never brought you down oh i was saying i've deduced that their armor class is 13 it's 14 as i said last episode maybe the worst detective ever

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