Dungeons and Daddies - Ep. 9 - Punk is Dad

Episode Date: May 21, 2019

The dads compete in a battle of the bands. Henry explains a complicated ritual, Darryl reminisces about one of his favorite bands, Glenn reveals a secret, and Ron unveils a hidden talent...This episod...e contains profanity, violence, sexual content, and drug/alcohol use.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Join our Facebook group!Check out the subreddit!Project DADGUT is the group transcription projectDM is Anthony BurchDarryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Additional voices by Jimmy WongTheme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. He's an internationally renowned cover band guitarist whose antics on stage were only matched by his antics on the road. Oh yeah, bro, Clem was always out of control. You never knew what that guy was gonna do. But while taking time off from his band, the Glenn Close Trio, he got sucked into a portal and lost his son, Nicholas. So like one second we're driving in the van, then the next second we're driving in the van, but like in another world, man. Plus I lost my kid. There he found a new band, a band of dads.
Starting point is 00:00:39 They helped him steal a legendary guitar from a gang of thieves. I didn't actually see what happened, but my savior, D Daryl told me that everything went off perfectly without a hitch. But soon that gang of thieves came calling, challenging Glenn to a battle of the bands. Now, the rock star Bard who's about to play the most important show of his life. Glenn Close, the story behind the music. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong.
Starting point is 00:01:37 I play Glenn Close, rock and roll dad and bard. And today's fact about Glenn is he is a graduate of the University of Texas International, UTI. That's right, baby. You didn't realize it until much later, after the sweatshirts got put on. What's the school mascot for UTI? Fighting crabs. They got little pinchers, and they're just like, you know.
Starting point is 00:02:02 Pinchers. Because it's also like in Houston, right? So it's like crawfish world stuff. Yeah. No, you made it work. Yeah. He said, continuing to justify his thing he made up. I was trying to make like a cranberry juice joke, but I couldn't come up with one because
Starting point is 00:02:16 you drink cranberry juice when you have a urinary tract infection. This guy UTIs. This guy UTIs. Just to clarify for the kids playing at home, the UTI means urinary tract infection. None of you guys UTIs. I do not. I've never had one. Oh, I've had multiple.
Starting point is 00:02:30 Damn. Well, because once you have one, it's likely you'll have a lot. Weird flex, but okay. Yeah, all right. We get it. That's right. That's your daddy master fact. I've got a wide urethra that can hold a lot of bacteria.
Starting point is 00:02:44 Oh, man. Oh, my God. I'm Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl wilson a stay-at-home coach dad who's also a barbarian um little fun fact about daryl today when he found out his son was more into soccer than football he really wanted to like get involved but daryl's a man who likes to you know handshake and not google so he went looking for an english pub um to find out more about soccer and that's where he met the chelsea boys who are his best friends and nobody else knows about them because then he would have Google. So he went looking for an English pub to find out more about soccer and that's where he met the Chelsea boys who are his best friends and nobody else knows about them because then he would have to admit to Carol that he drinks at 10 in the morning every
Starting point is 00:03:11 day with his Chelsea boyfriends. Chelsea boys alcoholics? Because the time difference in order to watch if you want to go to an English pub to watch a soccer game like a Manchester or Chelsea, it's like 11 a.m. So that's how he started learning and those are his best friends. But in order to introduce them to his family, he would have to be like where are you all day? it's like 11 a.m so that's how he started learning and those are his best friends but in order to introduce them to his family he would have to be like where are you all day it's like well don't you mean his best mates his best mates exactly
Starting point is 00:03:31 whereabouts is Chelsea in the UK uh Daryl does not know Matt definitely does but that you know he doesn't want to show up there yeah does Daryl like slip up and use English slang occasionally he's pretty like they are very friendly he's not about drinking it's just like he's embarrassed He doesn't want to show up, Daryl. Yeah, I don't want to show up, Daryl. Does Daryl slip up and use English slang occasionally around the house? No, he's pretty... They are very friendly. It's not about drinking. It's just that he's embarrassed to reveal that that's where he spends most of his day. Mostly because he's hanging out with Englishmen and being such a patriot.
Starting point is 00:03:55 But again, he really wanted to learn about soccer since his son was into it. Oh, that's cool. I thought it was going to be like Daryl was an asshole about his son. No, no. He wants to support soccer. He likes it now. Mostly he likes drinking with his mates, though. an asshole about it. No, no. He wants to support soccer. Yeah. He likes it now. Mostly likes drinking with his mates, though.
Starting point is 00:04:08 Mostly likes drinking. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the granola munching, Birkenstock rocking, hippie tree hugging, nature dad slash druid. A fun fact. I was thinking about this all day. This is what I got. A fun fact about Henry Oak this week is his
Starting point is 00:04:25 favorite drink is a cold glass of water. Oh my God. That's really good. Oh no. Eight a day. Eight a day. Stay hydrated. It's like he needs it to survive. Yeah. He's like addicted to this stuff. That's the joke
Starting point is 00:04:42 he always makes when people ask. He's like, I'm a waterholic. What can I say? My best friend in high school literally gave that answer and it upset me for like a week. I was like, I don't believe you. I can't believe your favorite drink is water. Hot take. Water's really good. I love water. Literally, I would
Starting point is 00:04:58 die without it. Does he do the thing where when he gets ice cubes, he's like, I'll have it on the rocks. On the rocks. Oh my gosh. If someone else wants some water, he says water you waiting for. Oh God, like all that stuff. Make mine a double. Will can give you a honest to God water bottle like Seattle
Starting point is 00:05:14 native tip and trick here for Henry is that Henry would definitely prefer the older soft plastic style now jeans that were made in the 80s. Dude, I grew up in Boulder. i know what a now do you have the now jeans plain now jeans to me but yes absolutely yeah the older ones yeah yeah yeah i'm googling with the older why are they better because the older ones were soft plastic
Starting point is 00:05:34 and were actually more indestructible so now these whole marketing things are indestructible but you can break them if you freeze water in them the old ones would not break they would just puff up yeah it's one of these bad boys that's what you're talking about yeah yeah wait do you have one oh yeah back in back in seattle weird flex but okay The old ones would not break. They would just puff up. Yeah, it's one of these bad boys. That's what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The old ones. Wait, do you have one? Oh, yeah, back in Seattle. Weird flex, but okay. It doesn't count if you tee up a flex.
Starting point is 00:05:51 Your weird flexes are becoming a weird flex. No, I can't help it that you guys are obsessed with Nalgene and have UTIs. Sounds like somebody's jealous that she can't pee a lot. I'm Beth May, and I should drink more water. I also play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron is that on a school field trip
Starting point is 00:06:18 to the National History Museum, Ron got sick as a child and missed the tour part because he was you know in the bathroom and he's not really sure if dinosaurs are extinct imaginary or whether they walk among us i like that that was the one shot he had to learn it and then since he missed it he was like yeah that's you know i missed my chance to learn the answer. I think he's been trying, but it's that you do get kind of, like, conflicting answers.
Starting point is 00:06:51 You watch Jurassic Park, The Lost World. Oh, no. Poor Ron definitely goes down the rabbit hole on YouTube and Google and can't figure out what's real or a fact, huh? Yeah, he's like one step away from Alex Jones. Just kidding. Okay, so I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. I feel like you already learned something
Starting point is 00:07:10 about me today. Oh, here's a shameless, horrible thing. I realized, oh, I should do daddy facts. I should talk about my own dad. Freddy and I have the best story about my dad possible, which I'm not going to tell because it's too long.
Starting point is 00:07:26 It should be on a Patreon thing. It should be. And it's like a whole thing. It would distract. So I didn't know you were hiding your dad fact behind a paywall. I know. This is great. Welcome to 2019.
Starting point is 00:07:36 Anthony's a pro. Already. I already know how to do it. This is the origin story of why we're all here today. Oh, yeah. I forgot. We had the idea for this podcast while we were on a caper. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:46 We were doing a spy mission, like a real-life spy mission. But yeah, I'll talk about that one day. One day. When you pay for it. Okay. All right. So let's do some fantasy bullshit.
Starting point is 00:07:58 Okay. By the way, you can hear the story about the caper that launched this podcast by supporting us at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Okay, thanks. Enjoy this episode so the last thing happened in the previous episode was a golden haired warrior from the red brands approached you raised his guitar to the sky
Starting point is 00:08:16 and then challenged you to a battle of the band so we're gonna pick up like 10 minutes later because part of any good battle of the bands is having backstage time to sort of determine what you're gonna do like backstage time to short of determine what you're going to do. Like backstage time to short rest and regain your HP and eat some snacks. Actually, yeah, if you guys want to short rest in a green tent, then you are welcome. A green room short rest would be great.
Starting point is 00:08:35 Go ahead and do short rest. All right. All right. While y'all are short resting, Ellery is there with you, and she's like, oh, wow, battle of the bands. So this is going to be pretty intense. So I don't play any instruments. Who you play instruments i obviously nicholas you do and nicholas is like yeah you know i play well actually is it cool should he play bass what
Starting point is 00:08:52 would what would you have taught nick i assume nick would be a drummer drums yeah so he plays drums because it's definitely one of those ones where i took a look at the world like there's too many guitar players out there i know that drummers pull tail and I'm like I want the best for my kid. That's so nasty and bass players have no respect. I have nobody ever has respect for a bass player, so it would be drummer next up on the roster cool Henry dabbles in a little
Starting point is 00:09:16 acoustic guitars. I mentioned last right. He knows three songs. He knows Woody Guthrie's this land is your land. He knows Kumbaya and Wonderwall knows now he doesn't know Your Land. He knows Kumbaya. Wonderwall. No, he doesn't know Wonderwall. He knows Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. Oh, that's good.
Starting point is 00:09:31 That's a hard song to play. I don't know how to play guitar. He just really likes to do the... Who doesn't, though? Who doesn't? Oh, no, no, no. I want to change my answer. He knows the one riff from Sweet Home Alabama.
Starting point is 00:09:43 Oh, my gosh. So you're telling me he hangs out at every guitar center in the country like 24-7? Jesus. Ron plays the recorder. And his go-to's are hot cross buns. And that's it. The only thing Daryl ever learned to play is that he played the bells in church, which means he only knows two notes.
Starting point is 00:10:09 Is it fair to say he knows those notes? He knows them intimately, William. He knows a lot of church songs where those two notes happen. What were the two notes? He had E. That's a good one. Sharp. E sharp. No, no, no. That's not good. A classic blunder. A classic blunder. And that's a good one sharp never mind no no no that's not good classic
Starting point is 00:10:27 blunder and that's a bad miss he had it he's sharp and i tried googling anyway hold on what what did you google good notes did you google good notes i googled bell notes bell notes which is a which is a band i don't know music at all i do it here's what i like about e-sharp as a choice is it definitely this it's like the like left field in little league what's the smallest because it's like no one is gonna like e-sharp is not coming up in a lot of songs so they're clearly like a daryl you get to be e-sharp and you have a very big bell or very small bell it depends on the art depends on which which is many you know what i'm talking about church bells yes i know what you do about. They went from very small to very large
Starting point is 00:11:05 and there was about six people and each one had one in their hand and then they ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, whatever, right? Yes, correct. Nailed it. He had the two smalls on the,
Starting point is 00:11:12 he was on the very right side and he had the two smalls. Well, smalls also determines pitch. Yeah, so it was like very high pitched. Okay. Okay. Just for me to you, Matt,
Starting point is 00:11:19 E sharp is F. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I already forgot what he said. Freddy, weird flex, but okay okay i think daryl's gonna because he but that's like a kind of percussion so i think he's gonna try to convince everybody that he can definitely play drums if you need him to i can actually sing in chords which you
Starting point is 00:11:36 would only hear like after patreon but like no it really freaks people out yeah well then don't yeah actually you have to do it now right Right now? You can sing two notes. I can sing two notes at one time. It's not really singing. It's like. Like a Tibetan throat singer. Or something. I don't know what's happening.
Starting point is 00:11:51 Wait, really? Can you do it? Yeah. I'm going to sing Silent Night because that's what I know. Okay. Beth is taking her headphones off. She's going to go. She's going to honk like a goose.
Starting point is 00:12:00 Okay. Holy shit. Silent night. What the fuck? Silent night. What the fuck? Silent night. What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on?
Starting point is 00:12:14 This is not an audio thing Freddie is doing. This is happening for real. What the fuck? Like, please don't put it in the episode, but yeah, it's like weird, right? You don't want it
Starting point is 00:12:22 to put it in the episode? It's so good. It's like weird because I'm singing Silent Night, but it's not Christmas. Holy shit. That's wild. I know. Okay, anyway. What's happening? Are we in Dungeons and Dragons? Are we doing Dungeons and Dragons?
Starting point is 00:12:40 It's really depressing when I think I can't sing like regular. Sorry, let me like reconfigure my brain. Sorry, guys. Because you pulled me out of a I can't sing like regular. Sorry. Let me like reconfigure my brain. Sorry guys. Cause you pulled me out of a world of fantasy into a world of reality that's weirder than fantasy. And I have to go back.
Starting point is 00:12:53 Okay. So Nicholas is like, okay guys, I was thinking that maybe dad, you and I should definitely be in the band. And I was thinking we could get Ellery on lead vocals and then we could get Johnny Noe on bass cause he could feel it in his chest. Here's the thing. Because we stole the battle axe of hatred and caused this whole fracas? Fracas?
Starting point is 00:13:15 Fracas? Fracas. Fracas. Do you have any SAT quips there, Henry? I would have gone with maybe boondoggle. I wish you could be here live because Will's eyes got very big when he said boondoggle. I wish you could be here live because Will's eyes got very big when he said boondoggle.
Starting point is 00:13:29 Because of the whole, like, all the fucking fight that's about to happen. Hey, come on, Nick. There's, like, adults here, you know, just keep the F-bombs, you know. Really? Just for when we're by ourselves. Okay, fine. There we go. There's some parenting. About time. Yeah, Jesus. It took long enough. All the freaking fights that are going to sake. There we go. There's some parenting. About time. Yeah, Jesus. It took long enough.
Starting point is 00:13:45 All the freaking fights that are going to happen. Is that okay? That's still an F word, young man. A lot of words start with F. I give a little thumbs up under the hood. Like, it's okay. I don't think he's going to let me go properly, but I know where he is.
Starting point is 00:13:57 He's going to think we're all here. So my thought is, if we split into two teams, one group of us can go take care of him and you could beat him up or you could bargain for my freedom and the other group of us could play in the Battle of the Bands to protect the gang. Nicholas, how old are you, son?
Starting point is 00:14:14 I'm 13. Okay. I'm a man. Okay, can we do a dad huddle really quick? Yeah, okay. Let's do a dad huddle. Okay. Nicholas, it's dads 13 and up.
Starting point is 00:14:24 14 and up. Oh, wow. Anybody who's a dad is 14 and up. Well, I'm also not a dad. I dad huddle. Okay. Nicholas, it's dads 13 and up. 14 and up. Oh, wow. Anybody who's a dad is 14 and up. Well, I'm also not a dad. I wasn't going to. Yeah. Well, that's good. That's good to know.
Starting point is 00:14:31 That's good. I wouldn't have been surprised either. I'm very charismatic, so. Glenn, did your son just say that he doesn't think the guy's going to release him for getting the axe? Wasn't that kind of the whole reason we just went on this whole- And now he's suggesting we should go and fight him which is the f word that you were yelling about fracas fracas okay yeah i'm not gonna say it uh okay i have a couple questions i'm a little confused so the guy from this red wave band red wave lizard boy scales big stuff and says i think they're called the red brands but yeah red brands the red band trailers uh sure yeah that's really good if you don't like the language
Starting point is 00:15:11 that nicholas uses just wait till you hear what they say so they've challenged us to a battle of the bands for the guitar or just to not kill us what is the con what is the stakes of this battle well okay look fellas i know that we were really judgmental of these brigands as you called them henry i do say that the blood is quite literally and figuratively on our hands in this case as we did sneak into their camp and rather than quietly and surreptitiously take that guitar like i saw you cleave a dude in half man that's but they struck the first blow i can't be held responsible for something that happens after i an enemy castle doctrine
Starting point is 00:15:49 lizard bush scales mcstuffins raises his finger goes wasn't it their house we like went to their warehouse but young man this is a dad i'm a dad i'm lizard oh sorry oh you're sorry i just sound a lot like nick i'm sorry sir and you just sound a lot like nick yeah no offense i think i know what's going on here nicholas yeah look man if you don't want the three of us to be in your band you can just tell me like a man you said you're a man you're 13 yeah look at me do you not want us to be in the band you don't have to send us on a wild. Absolutely not. I would love it if you weren't in the band.
Starting point is 00:16:27 All right. But that said. That does hurt. All the other stuff I said is still true. So rather than us being in a band, you're giving us the opportunity to go fight a battle for you. Okay. Maybe not fight, but fellas, I think that this is going to be the time where you guys
Starting point is 00:16:41 can suss out what's going on because all attention is going to be on me and nick's sick licks up on stage here i see finally there we go finally get an opportunity here to move about perhaps unseen ron i saw you and your moves with your pants it was quite inspiring in that regard it feels like here's a chance for us to kind of really suss out what the hell's going on here and how you know we can get out of. Maybe it would be best if we got like the first song we all do together. Like an opener. And then that makes them think we're part of it. And then I use interpretive dance to dance away sneakily.
Starting point is 00:17:14 We'll do the thing where we leave the stage and they expect an encore. And then when we come back, it's just us. And they're like, ooh, a powerful duet, father and son. And nobody's even wondering where the other people went. okay they're like they must be come waiting for the second encore yes rather than just us mysteriously disappearing and that way we can play some bells and a recorder and i forgot uh henry where we're acoustic guitar oh there we go nicholas is like massaging his temples it's like how old do you have to be to start getting like chronic headaches because i can feel it. I feel it starting.
Starting point is 00:17:45 Don't worry, Nicholas. This is going to be pretty punked rock. All right. If you say so. Have you guys ever heard of a little band called Mannheim Steamroller? What the fuck? That is Daryl's all-time favorite band. Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas album.
Starting point is 00:17:59 I know, right? This could just be like Mannheim Steamroller. Look, all I'm saying is if you guys really want to win this battle of the bands, Mannheim Steamroller is the way to go. Yes. Am I right, right? This could just be like Mannheim Steamrollers. Look, all I'm saying is if you guys really want to win this battle of the bands, Mannheim Steamroller is the way to go. Yes. Am I right, Nick? Steamroll them. You got to steamroll them. Do you guys know any of the Christmas songs from Mannheim Steamrollers Christmas album?
Starting point is 00:18:16 But Nicholas, Ellery, and Anthony have no idea what the fuck you just said. I have outdadied the daddy minister uh manheim steamroller was i'm i'm i'm i am flying right at the manheim horizon of my knowledge i still listen to this every year my mom was obsessed with manheim steamrollers talking yeah this is not talking but it's like kind of synthy big orchest orchestrated arrangements of Christmas music. Oh, so this is Beth talking. Definitely sounds like a sex move, right? That's the most.
Starting point is 00:18:53 I mean, like Mannheim steamroller. Oh, my God. You're right. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What a fracas. Sorry to cuss. It's neoclassical new age music.
Starting point is 00:19:05 Oh. That is known for its new age rock plus. This would be Daryl's favorite song. For people who think that Enya's a little bit too hardcore. Yes. Yes. It's the kind of band that if you have like scented candles that you light often, the candles actually accompany this music pretty well.
Starting point is 00:19:22 Okay. Why don't I know them? I love candles. Looks like you got a new Spotify ad. That's going to be your Christmas gift. So Nicholas says, based on everything you just told me, if we lose the Battle of the Bands, the Red Brands will take us over
Starting point is 00:19:34 and they'll probably kill like half of us. And I would rather that fate than do anything like what you just described. Kids just don't appreciate the classics these days. Is there a way that one could perform both in the band and as a stealth ops operative? What if you guys could also maybe sabotage the other band? Because I'm getting like really excited here.
Starting point is 00:20:03 The idea of like, once again, picking up the ax and rocking a crowd. Guys, look, here's the deal, okay? the other band because I'm getting like really excited here the idea of like once again picking up the axe and rocking a crowd guys look here's the deal okay Nick we gotta win this thing of course I'm always always this is my chance because I mean um well let's just say me and the band uh parted ways not on great terms wait you're you're you're not in your band anymore well you know I'll tell you the the other guys decided to go a different direction. Yeah, you left the Glenn Close Trio, right? That's what you told me, Dad.
Starting point is 00:20:31 Technically, that's true. But I guess you could say they asked me to leave. Whoa. That's some heavy stuff. What do you mean? What happened? You can't ask Glenn Close to leave. Where are they going now?
Starting point is 00:20:44 I think they're asking the other Glenn Close if maybe she wants to join. Something. I don't know. They're figuring it out. They're figuring out the situation. But no, wait. Why did they kick you out of the band? You know, some of my tour antics went a little far.
Starting point is 00:20:59 You know that trick we just pulled, right? Where we sort of smoked out that warehouse? Well, if you do that and you're in a garage if you pass out that can be really bad because i guess the car exhaust adds a little bit to the to the equations you know i was wondering about the carbon monoxide element of flooding a closed environment with car fumes that's why i knew it would work yeah when you started the the plan i was like oh he's planning on murdering everybody on the inside with carbon monoxide interesting as soon as we got the uh the bat and two rats, I thought, Glenn Close is a man who's done this before.
Starting point is 00:21:31 Well, Glenn, you know, I'm really busted up to hear that, that you're not in your band anymore. But you're in a new band of dads, and this band rides or dies together. So you're the Mannheim of this steamroller. So we're going to take your lead on this. So your quarterback, as my friend Henry would say, I think you guys got to get backstage and fuck up the other band. So they sound like dog shit. Hell yeah, dad.
Starting point is 00:21:55 Hell yeah. Nicholas, I guess you're the running back in this situation. Sure. Or the assistant coach. You two soccer terms. Oh, yeah, that's right. Okay. Remember a soccer term. You're the, soccer terms. Oh, yeah, that's right. Okay, remember a soccer term.
Starting point is 00:22:05 You're the center midfield. Great, yeah. And you're the striker, Glenn. Yes. Like on Chelsea. You guys tell us. Who's Chelsea? It's a great team in England.
Starting point is 00:22:19 Maybe my favorite. Oh. Yes. So you tell us what you're doing. We'll ruin the other band. What if, okay, I have an idea for our side caper okay ron dan dan daryl yeah ron daryl uh that was definitely henry almost calling daryl dad my middle name which is what henry almost called daryl dad and then managed to make it turn into Dan at the last possible second.
Starting point is 00:22:52 What if we managed to sneak into that other band and ruin their band from the inside? Daryl's eyes go super wide and he holds up the perfume of charm. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is enough perfume to spread across the three of us. We could probably charm our way into this band. We'll have to be careful we don't charm each other by accident. We'll have to be careful that we don't actually beat you guys with our recorder bell and acoustic guitar skills. Yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely, definitely. Yes, I'm extremely worried you would lose.
Starting point is 00:23:21 Because they got this whole cloak thing, right? The guy rode up on a cool cloak. Yeah. Everyone's got cloaks. They all got right cloaks. That's? The guy rode up on a cool cloak. Yeah. Everyone's got cloaks. They all got right cloaks. That's the risk of running a cloak heavy operation. So I think you guys got to procure some cloaks for yourselves.
Starting point is 00:23:38 Okay. Sneak your way onto that band. We'll be like, what, like they're backup singers or something? I think I'll be the lead singer. Lead singer. Perfect. I can actually do a pretty funny thing when I sing. Really? Really.
Starting point is 00:23:50 Just wait. I like that because definitely doing something funny on stage in a band is probably a surefire way to lose in a battle of a band. This isn't going to be funny, but it will be. It will be. It will be fun. All right. Okay.
Starting point is 00:24:04 So we get up there. We do it. We're backup singers or I think. All right. Okay. So we get up there, we do it. We're backup singers or lead singer. I thought you were playing D&D by saying, we get up there, we do it. Are you fucking kidding me, Matt? And then we do it, guys. And we're done.
Starting point is 00:24:16 And then we do it. And we win. Do we stab them? We just need to ruin that. Nick says they just have to not win. Dad, do you want to explain the way a battle of the bands works? Okay, so the way a battle of the bands works is sort of a group decision based on the crowd. It's based on how well the crowd receives you.
Starting point is 00:24:31 That seems like a pretty subjective metric to me. Who's the judge in this case? Well, it's kind of everyone. And in our hearts, we'll win either way. Yeah. Definitely not what he just said. The thing is that all of us like dig fucking rocking, sorry, freaking rocking tunes, right?
Starting point is 00:24:48 Yeah. So everybody in all the different members of the gangs are going to sort of like line up together. Like for the first time, all the gangs are to come together. Like the Warriors, that movie you showed me, Dad. Yes. And we're all going to cheer together based on how much we like any individual band.
Starting point is 00:25:03 It's not going to be about what color you're wearing. It's going to be about the fire of the music and what it inspires within you. There are going to be two stages, stage versus stage. I love that you picked the Warriors and not like the movie Scott Pilgrim, which literally depicts this. Like, exactly.
Starting point is 00:25:16 Glenn Close would not show his son Scott Pilgrim. He would only show him movies he liked when he was younger. That's true, that's true. So yeah, we'll do band versus band, and then everybody will cheer, and it'll be based on how loud it is. And mechanically, it'll be, you guys will roll some stuff and we'll see how you can persuade the band to you versus the other side.
Starting point is 00:25:33 All right. So we're going to try to sneak into the other band. Perfect. And then that way, if you guys win, then, you know, everything's great. They should win. But if we win, we can just be like, well, we vote that we're going to go away. Wait, who's we? Just the three of us. I'm like, look, you guys
Starting point is 00:25:50 are probably going to win, but there's a chance. So we're going to win. I'm just saying it might happen. It's not going to be great. I think it might. You haven't heard these Stampler pipes. The Dadheim steamrollers? The Dadheim steamrollers?
Starting point is 00:26:05 Worse comes to worse, I can bust out some of my hip-hop rocks jams. These Stampler pipes. The Dadheim steamrollers? The Dadheim steamrollers. Oh, my God. You know, maybe worse comes to worse, I can bust out some of my hip-hop rocks jams. And that is going to get the crowd. Maybe just start with that. That sounds really good. No, no, don't do that. Henry, we're supposed to lose. Do not do that.
Starting point is 00:26:18 No, do that. No, Nicholas, you haven't heard. If we get through this, you're going to have to hear this gentleman's hip-hop rap. I'm pretty good at raps. Yes. I'm known in the geology department as a man who knows how to do really good raps. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:37 You were telling us you're the best rapper in the geology department, right? Yeah, exactly. That's incredible. And he's back from the Stone Age because he discovered fire. And that fire is him rapping. Hell yeah. God in heaven. All right. All right, well.
Starting point is 00:26:50 You should go now then and do that because that's insane. Should we put our hands in the middle, Dads? Oh, absolutely. Nicholas, this is a little, we're going to invite you to, there's this book called Iron John by Robert Bly. He's sort of like a men's movement poet from the 80s. He was all about self-development and ritual. One, two, three, doodlers. Doodlers. by Robert Bly. He's sort of like a men's movement poet from the 80s. You know, he was all about self-development and, you know, like ritual.
Starting point is 00:27:07 One, two, three, doodlers. Doodlers. Doodlers, yeah. Uh-huh. Okay, so basically you see that both bands are getting set up.
Starting point is 00:27:18 Like Ellery and some of the other water mice are sort of setting up some amplifiers, by which I mean like just megaphone cones. Just large cones. Yeah, just large cones made out of wood and shells
Starting point is 00:27:28 and stuff like that. And the other stage, they're doing the same. The redbrands and their blonde leader. So in the middle, it's kind of just like... So are they like bringing lights and stuff and everything up there? I think torches, but yeah. Is there a dude like in the back just being like... The torch tech. Yeah, he's like a torch tech. He's got like long hair and he's like squinting up at it and being like, hey, hey, hey, the union's got to move this.
Starting point is 00:27:44 Exactly. I imagine like a illusion wizard with like a bunch of books out like as his mixing board oh that's fun oh my god yeah and he's just doing different thaumaturgy flames everywhere that's cool that's cool very good so yeah that's that's just happening and in the middle all the different gang members are just milling around just sort of they'll be like eight bucks for beer yeah they're they're complaining about stuff they're peeing on stuff they're picking flowers off the ground and eating them outdoor festivals man i tell you sometimes it's just better to stay home i tell you hit a certain age and it's just better to watch it on on yeah all right so okay dads let's focus up what's the play can we roll like a perception to see what because you know this is dungeon dragon so we
Starting point is 00:28:23 should roll some dice to see like we're gonna replace some band members or slip our way in can we i want to learn more about this band that we're approaching just the video game hit man now the three of us the three of us are definitely kind of like awkwardly kind of like you know i like a school dance we're kind of like a sitting around the edge like trying to find the band like looking at them well so there's other members of the red brand in the crowd, right? Yes. Complaining about the prices of beer, et cetera. Maybe we could do some small talk to get more info on the members of this band. I've also heard that if you pretend to have bags of ice, you can get behind into the back door or backstage area at a concert.
Starting point is 00:28:59 And you just say, I'm the guy with the ice. Let's roll to see where the, yeah, where's the band? Do we need to roll for that? No, you can just see it. They're on stage sort of tuning their instruments. How many members are in this band? There are four members of this band. And they're in their cloaks?
Starting point is 00:29:12 They are in their cloaks. All right, so we got to get some cloaks. It seems like. I would like to, can I roll initiative? Can I, sorry. Start some shit? Yeah, basically, yeah. Just start killing people.
Starting point is 00:29:24 I want to roll to see what the crowd is vibing with musically. You know, if they have any requests that I could fulfill for them in a singing matter. Are you attempting to learn this by talking to them? Or are you trying to reach out with your feelings? I'm trying to listen to anything spewed out of the mouths of audience members. Okay, let's do perception then. Okay. That's a five.
Starting point is 00:29:52 One guy's like, eight bucks for beer? I can't believe it. It's so expensive here. It's a six, but okay. You just hear a bunch of catchphrases out of context. Excuse me, I don't know that song. Ron, Henry, it feels like we got to get some cloaks and then find
Starting point is 00:30:08 a way to switch out with these gentlemen up on top of the stage. What if, let me throw this out there, a little proposal from Henry. What if we, one of us pretends to be like the stage manager and then we say we need to see three of the members of the band out like
Starting point is 00:30:24 around the corner and then when out like around the corner and then when they're around the corner we'll put our charm juice on and we'll be like groupies and get them to take their robes yeah we'll seduce them out of their robes and then we'll put their robes on and maybe we'll tie them up or something we'll get there is that uh i like what you're thinking henry let me take a daryl looks up there and they're all men, right? Yep. Okay. Yeah, all right.
Starting point is 00:30:48 We're saving our sons here. No, no. What? Did I look like I was acting weird? No, that sounds like a great plan. We're going to tie them up in this non-BDSM podcast. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:30:58 Lizard Boy scales McStuffin and just holds up a bunch of robes. He's like, I have it ready. I assumed this was just going to happen, that you were going to need some tie-in and some stuff. Sir, you got us Lizzy Boy. You got us robes. I have it ready. I assumed this was just going to happen, that you were going to need some tie and some stuff. Sir, you got us Lizzie boy. You got us robes?
Starting point is 00:31:08 Robes. Robes. That's less helpful, but thank you. I'm sorry. I thought you already got us. I felt like I went out of my way to help, and then immediately it's under tie. Lizzie boy, it's my fault.
Starting point is 00:31:18 I'm still getting used to your lizard mouth. It's a little hard to hear sometimes. No, it's fine. I appreciate the robes. That's super helpful. I exist just to make you happy. Hey, Cern, you make me happy. Don't listen to whatever Ron's about to say to you. I know it's going to change
Starting point is 00:31:32 the vibe in just a second, but between you and me right now, you're doing a wonderful job, and I love these ropes. Ron, I'm sorry to interrupt. Hey, Cern, do you play any instruments? No, I don't. Okay,'t okay sir you make me really unhappy i mean yeah i know but it's fine daryl prepared me for that i draw my strength from him sir
Starting point is 00:31:52 starts a mosh pit sir that sounds like a good job for you lizzie boy okay you want me to go start a mosh pit and so you do you guys have mosh pits and no i don't you're gonna have to explain what that is oh well okay so here's the thought cern when we go on stage to get the crowd really going sometimes the rock and roll gets so strong that the spirit of rock and rolls which is a powerful thing takes over and the sort of group hysteria takes place and people kind of form a big circle in the middle of the crowd. And everyone's kind of like beating the shit out of each other. And like tossing each other around and like just kicking the ever-loving fucking shit out of each other. It's kind of like if you treat the people around you like skin that is molting off of you like a reptile.
Starting point is 00:32:40 Which you are, Cern. So I think this should be very easy for you. But see, this will get people really hyped up because that means, right? Like if a mosh pit's going on, you know that they're really, I do like the idea. We have a man inside on the crowd.
Starting point is 00:32:52 He's provocative. We play, this is going to be hard to say. Cause you know, we're, we're such good friends, but when we're playing, say things out loud,
Starting point is 00:32:59 like, Oh, those gentlemen up there, their music doesn't sound, it's not the quality I like. Oh no. And things like that. You want me to say that you're bad?
Starting point is 00:33:06 Yes. I know. That's going to be almost as difficult as starting a fight with the entire crowd. Well, don't worry, CERN. You'll have the power of my sick licks to help you out. Okay. I was less worried about, like, making sure they can fight and more about my own safety, but that's fine.
Starting point is 00:33:20 Well, here's the thing. It's just like starting a fire in an abandoned warehouse on the edge of Cincinnati. You just get the spark going and then the whole thing goes up way faster than you think. And then you got to get out of town. What a weirdly specific metaphor.
Starting point is 00:33:35 All right, guys, I'll do it. I'll see you on the other side into the mosh pit I go and he disappears into the crowd. All right, dads. Well, I guess so we got the ropes. Everybody take a rope. I guess we'll each tie one of the gentlemen separately.
Starting point is 00:33:47 I guess we don't need to seduce them. It's like, but I think we got to talk them out of their clothes. Maybe it's some sort of strip poker game. Henry, let's just seduce them. No. All right. Dads, are we ready? Everybody, I think I see Carol do this.
Starting point is 00:34:11 Go ahead and put your hands out, like your wrists, right? Oh, yes. No, it's, if I remember correctly, Mercedes Oak Garcia had an episode of this show called Queer Eye On. And on that show, they spray it in the air twice, and then they walk through it in turn. Daryl looks at the, I don't think this is, I don't think this is a spray one though. Oh, it's one of those.
Starting point is 00:34:27 It looks like it's a dabby do. Ron takes it and sprays it into his face. Oh, all right. Splash it into your face. There's not that much left. Yeah. Roll G20. 11.
Starting point is 00:34:37 You splash like most of it onto your face. There's only enough for one person. Oh, all right, Ron. Um, uh, okay. Well, it looks like there's only enough for either person oh all right ron um uh okay well it looks like there's only enough for either me or daryl uh so i guess it's uh who who wants to be you know what it's i feel like um i mean we all have to do this anyways right i think uh i think uh i think my charm you know i don't need it you go hun, you go ahead and take it. Okay. I'm not saying you need it. I'm just saying if you want the extra help.
Starting point is 00:35:08 I mean, I think I'm pretty charming, but you sure are. Meta note, who has more charisma? How many charisma points do you have? I have minus one. Okay. I have plus one. So, okay, here we go. Here's what we're going to do.
Starting point is 00:35:19 You're going to charm me to do it. Daryl, no offense, but I don't know how to put this, but Daryl's already putting it on. Okay. Yeah, okay. I hear you. Henry. All right, guys. I'm rubbing it. I'm doing it like Carol taught me. I put that is rubbing on the miming it on my wrist,
Starting point is 00:35:37 put on my neck. He's literally miming it. How's the smell, Henry? You both smell fantastic. That's so charming of you to say thank you. Well, thank fantastic. That's so charming of you to say. Thank you. Well, thank you. That's so charming of you to be complimentary of my charming. You are so charming. Ron, you got a nice voice, Ron.
Starting point is 00:35:53 Oh, you haven't even, the Stampler hasn't even begun to sing. Maybe, should we just, do we do this now or do you want to just like go get some beer? Hey, fellas. Hey, fellas. Focus up. Focus up. All right. Okay.
Starting point is 00:36:04 Me and Nick are going to get the band ready for our stuff because we gotta get ready here best of luck to you get back there get in that band hey uh hey uh glenn oh god daryl kind of looks over it's like kick ass out there man gives you a wink nick looks at you he's like you could have just said just say rock and roll hey Hey, Nicholas. We fucking say rock and roll. Nicholas. What? Fucking rock and roll, man. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:29 I think this is, I think this perfume is going to some people's heads. Henry wishes he had gotten the perfume. It's going to be a reveal where it's like, wait, that was just a jug of water. Michael's secret stuff from Space Jam. Don't you see? It was you all along. You had your mojo all along, Austin. Groovy, baby.
Starting point is 00:36:48 Oh my God, that movie did it that way. Let's go seduce some rock stars. Let's walk up to the stage. You approach the stage. There's people running around putting out torches and stuff, but it's so busy, there's nobody to stop you from just sort of walking onto the stage. So when you do, the band kind of just turns and glances at you
Starting point is 00:37:04 and then goes back to tuning their instruments. Okay, dad huddle. Are you fucking kidding me? Okay, how do we do this? I hand my rope to Henry, say, you two just wait right here. From the distance, I see this. I see them dad huddle on stage in full view.
Starting point is 00:37:21 I'm going to go, oh, for Christ's sake. Yeah, Nick is like, you guys always do this? It's just kind of a way for us to communicate, I guess, to each other. It's strange, but something that we kind of abide by the constraints of. It's just the time that you could just do before you get into the, okay, that's fine. They're all walks across the stage to the three non- Walks or struts?
Starting point is 00:37:40 Struts across the stage and very confidently. Okay. Hey, gentlemen. Hey, what's up? Hey. That's the bassist. Yeah? Struts. Struts across the stage and very confidently. Okay. Hey, gentlemen. Hey, what's up? Hey. That's the bassist. Yeah?
Starting point is 00:37:51 You can tell because he has a low voice. Because he has a low voice and because he's the only one who would deign to talk to you. Yeah. The other ones think they're too important. I like the cover jib, man. I got two bros back there that just want to see how you play. Play bass. I mean, you're about to hear me play bass. Yeah, but these guys.
Starting point is 00:38:05 Hit on the man. Do it, Matt. Hit on me. No, I know you play bass. We heard you. It sounds really good. I got two guys there. We're starting our own band.
Starting point is 00:38:16 They're trying out. I think you could give them a few points. If you don't mind, if you could give them just a few pointers before you start playing. We're really excited to hear you play. Yeah, sure. So he looks over at you. He goes, you just got to play from the heart play from the heart like play i play like you mean it it's about the music in your soul dude that's great it's a little loud though
Starting point is 00:38:32 yeah you with the hand raise hi henry oh henry oak here uh we can't hear you give your good bass advice over the noise of this crowd. Perhaps we could take this conversation someplace more intimate. Okay. So Henry, the only person who didn't put on the perfume can roll persuasion. Oh, fuck.
Starting point is 00:38:58 Yeah. Henry's got an 18 plus one 19. All right. Looks like yours type. So the basis is like, for you. Yeah, I think I have some stuff I could teach you. I wink at Henry. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:12 Let's go to that dark corner over there. You got two other friends that want to maybe come and party for a little bit before you guys play? We need three cloaks. I mean, we need... Wait, what? We need three blokes three three blokes uh roll persuasion with advantage with the three blokes thing very good on your feet god that's a
Starting point is 00:39:36 two roll better than that uh 16 actually yeah 16 i'll cut it the the bassist it's three blokes yeah all right all right usually you got to do this kind of stuff after the concert but apparently Actually, yeah, 16. I'll cut it. The bassist, he has three blokes. Yeah. All right. All right. Usually you got to do this kind of stuff after the concert, but apparently I'm on my game today. We like it deep, like bass. God. You just hit me so hard, you broke me out of character. Holy shit.
Starting point is 00:40:01 Holy schmokes. All right. We're earning the explicit tag this week boy oh hey dungeons and daddies sarcasm quotes not a bdsm dungeons and daddies and the edge of the comfort zone as a daryl walks across the stage with everybody he catches the eye of nicholas and uh freddie holds up like a fucking rock and roll sign like we got it man glenn throws the horns back and looks behind i was like is there someone else behind me i don't freddy who's that yeah so do we pass the other members of this band yeah so the bassist like turns back to the other two members
Starting point is 00:40:35 of the band that are not the guy with the blonde hair he was like and puts his fingers together and then they they all kind of what was that gesture you just did i was saying we're gonna go touch dicks that's our thing what's your thing uh is it also that we all come together no that's all yeah nice we'll all come together we'll talk about what we like what we like to do let's go to that sentence and said nice all right let's go around to that dark corner and uh let's talk we know you come together like awkwardly holds up one of his ropes like, huh? Oh, yeah. Let's go do it. So he grabs the other two by the shoulders and all of them smiling as anything.
Starting point is 00:41:13 Come with you around the back of the stage where it's relatively quiet. That'll we'll be right with you. Ron, Ron, I'm not I'm not judging. I just feel like I'm very uncomfortable right now. I hand my rope to you. Also, I have Daryl has no more you. I just feel like I'm very uncomfortable right now. I hand my rope to you also. Daryl has no more ropes anymore. He goes, I feel like I did my part. Yep. He just
Starting point is 00:41:32 walks away. He turns his back. Walk away? Daryl, get back here. What are you doing? I form the rope into a lasso and bring him back into the hut. Roll dexterity. Four. Four. Four. All right, it just misses.
Starting point is 00:41:47 It just flops down right in front of you. So immediately the bassist is like, what's going on? Where's he going? Where are you going, man? He's playing hard to get. That's part of his thing. That's not my kink at all. I take a breath and go, just getting myself composed to rock your fucking world.
Starting point is 00:42:06 All right. Roll persuasion with advantage with advantage. Let me try to do that in character based off of my role of a three. I'm just getting composed so I can do things you like. So with my three persuasion, the basis looks at you and then just kind of like grimaces and then turns
Starting point is 00:42:29 to Henry and Ron and is like, can we just, just us? Can we just make it a five sum instead of a six sum? Oh, that's great. Super not into that guy.
Starting point is 00:42:36 That's to me, you blokes. I put my hand out. Very nice. I hope you five have a great time. Even the idea of having physical contact with you right now is kind of just nasty.
Starting point is 00:42:42 I appreciate it. Ron uses the lasso to try to capture the bassist. Okay. Roll dexterity. How did we get here? Oh, no. That's a one.
Starting point is 00:42:53 That's a one? It's a one, yeah. So you try to lasso him, but you inadvertently just kind of lasso yourself up, but you don't realize it and you pull it super tight and begin to accidentally
Starting point is 00:43:05 start choking yourself around the neck. Not in like a sexy way, but in a way that feels like aggressive. Okay. And immediately he's set on edge and he goes, wait a second. This feels like it might not be a fun, consensual sexual thing between consulting adults. What's going on here? What's going on here? Trust me.
Starting point is 00:43:23 It's fun. It's fun. That take a D4 of damage for the autorotic association uh for damage you know we're just nervous henry here is really he's the one if you will all just calm down for one moment i the leader of this trio will explain the very specific kink we have that makes all of this make sense. Desperate to hear it. Absolutely desperate to hear it. Where we're from,
Starting point is 00:43:53 we're from the far off land of Westrock. We take part in an elaborate courtship ritual. The first step of which is to invite your perspective mate to a dark secluded corner. As you can see,
Starting point is 00:44:09 as we have done, you nailed that. The second step of which is one of the three leaves. Oh, because he feels shame. No, no. Sure.
Starting point is 00:44:23 Because I have to commit to the thing you said because we're all part of the same thing it makes the prospect of the hunt all the more alluring uh and shameful uh yeah and then there is the third part of the ritual known as the the the bonding of the self in which now you come to the aid of ron by rescuing him help me see it's like a and then once you've saved him we all trade clothes so that we may walk a mile on each other's shoes and then we get down to business so so we have sex with each other's clothes on well we we trade clothes and then we assume each other's identities, essentially by trading clothes. And then we take each other's clothes back off,
Starting point is 00:45:11 and it's like we are stripping bare not only our lover, but ourselves. We want to be you, and then we want to be in you. Roll persuasion harder than you've ever rolled persuasion in your entire life. Wait, I have to add inspiration. Gasparation. You just burned that dad joke energy, baby.
Starting point is 00:45:32 Hot dice, hot dice. That's a six. Beth, go ahead and roll. I got a 19. Okay, so the bassist puts his hands on, one hand on Henry's shoulder and one hand on Ron's shoulder. And he says,
Starting point is 00:45:49 what you just described is the weirdest, maybe most horrible kink I've ever heard in my entire life. And I'm so very interested to see where it goes. And then he and his two friends disrobe and then hold their clothes out to you. Okay.
Starting point is 00:46:10 Great. Am I still tied up, though? I untie Ron. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Oh, sorry. I was supposed to do that. It was part of the thing.
Starting point is 00:46:18 It's fine. It's your first time. I messed up. I'm sorry. It's okay. It's okay. We'll make it work. I guess the next step would be for us to take off our clothes.
Starting point is 00:46:25 So why don't we're... I forgot to explain this part of it. You guys turn around while we take our clothes off. Oh, that's a little prudish. It feels like you didn't turn around when we did it. Well, then it's, oh, you know what? I'm sorry. I kind of, you kind of threw me off because you didn't untie him. I wasn't expecting you to go straight to taking your clothes off.
Starting point is 00:46:41 You're right. You're right. I'll turn around. We'll turn around. All right. So they've turned around. So I change into the robe. Okay. Me too. Okay. your clothes off. You're right. You're right. I'll turn around. We'll turn around. All right. So they've turned around. So I change into the robe. Okay.
Starting point is 00:46:46 Me too. Okay. I take off one pair of pants and put the robe on. Okay. Sweet. Okay. All right. You can turn around.
Starting point is 00:46:55 They do. Okay. Cool. Okay. Cool. So here's what happens now is that we undress. As I said, we walk a mile in each other's shoes first. Oh,
Starting point is 00:47:05 like literally like, uh, it's like part of the, it's part of the extended foreplay is that now we go on stage and you guys go in the audience. So you, you're going to play instead of us. Yeah. Isn't that crazy?
Starting point is 00:47:21 So all the applause is going to go to you and not us, but you get to watch. And isn't that hot? All right the applause is going to go to you and not us. But you get to watch. And isn't that hot? All right, roll persuasion with advantage. Nine and 12. The bassist looks at you for a second and sort of scratches his cheek and bites his lip. And he says,
Starting point is 00:47:41 what you've just described is extremely humiliating and because I am a bassist you've discovered my kink so yes we will we will we can send to remain tied up while you perform for us oh they're not tied up they're not tied up
Starting point is 00:48:03 but that's great if that'll help you out we can do that for sure you want're not tied up. They're not tied up. But that's great. If that'll help you out, we can do that for sure. Do you want to be tied up? I mean, yeah. Yeah, and how about Daryl Wilson here? Half the reason we came back here is because we saw the ropes.
Starting point is 00:48:14 Do you want a bow tie or a double knot? Oh, that's very cute. I'll do it. He takes the rope from you and he ties his friends up and then basically instructs one of you. What a Daryl Wilson is really.
Starting point is 00:48:27 In fact, what not is that? It's a good looking knot. It's a it's like a normal. I've never seen that knot before that knot. You can't easily make it come loose for like any safe word. I'm not quite sure. Well, I mean, I have I have scissors here for safety scissors. So can I see those really quick?
Starting point is 00:48:43 I got cut something. Well, no, I have to hold on to them so I can cut them loose. No, give them right back. Okay, sure. Yeah, thanks. I pocket them. Well, no, it's like his. Well, give them back.
Starting point is 00:48:51 Okay, sorry, man. Here you go. I give them right back. Daryl. Oh, jeez. I just don't want these guys to come, you know. Yeah, I know. This is now literally and officially a BDSM podcast.
Starting point is 00:49:02 Sorry for taking those scissors. Yeah. I'm a little nervous. Yeah, no, I got to keep them. Yeah, yeah, that's so he feels safe while he's doing our elaborate ritual here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay.
Starting point is 00:49:11 We can trust him. Our song of courtship. Daryl says, guys, I just want to know that this is definitely outside of my comfort zone and all five of you have been pretty great so far. This is, I appreciate it.
Starting point is 00:49:24 Okay, okay. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah, I feel like we've been pretty good yeah okay cool so we'll see you guys in a little bit and we're gonna go be bad musicians now if you're gonna humiliate us you're gonna have to do a lot better job than that okay well oh we'll try and then he tries to wink no it's not how you humiliate wow wow you have to be it's fine you'll figure it. All right. Let's get the hell out of here. All right. So you come up to the stage and the blonde man turns around and sees you through and he goes, what's all this about?
Starting point is 00:49:53 What's going on? Where's my band? We're the band. We're the band now, man. Party on. Did they get drunk again? Did they hook up with some random groupies again? Technically, yes. Yes. did they get drunk again did they hook up with some random groupies again technically yes yes
Starting point is 00:50:07 darryl wilson here and we're the we're those random groupies and they said we're gonna play for you he goes wow and he goes he goes out back and then you hear bass guy being like it's my kink this is what we're doing and the blonde guy walks back in he He's like, okay, that's fine. Yeah, I mean, all right. Third time this has happened this year. That's fine. Okay. All right, so what do you all play? We're just going to start playing?
Starting point is 00:50:34 We forgot to learn any songs. Yeah, because usually what we do is we play The Tavern Keeper's Lament. Oh, yeah. You all know that one? That's a favorite. All right. I play the bells in that. Just remind me of the tune just remind me the tune real
Starting point is 00:50:45 quick i don't play an instrument i i sing my beautiful sad tune well i play guitar and i say if you don't play an instrument then we should switch songs to something else what songs do you know i can play guitar i know wonderwall i know the entire m&m i know silent night i know silent night it's becoming very clear that i just don't know the same songs youM I know Silent Night I know Silent Night it's becoming very clear that I just don't know the same songs you know I know Silent Night
Starting point is 00:51:08 do all three of you know the song the same songs Silent Night yeah we're called the Deadheim Steamrollers back where we come from and Silent Night's
Starting point is 00:51:14 our specialty it rocks the crowd yeah it's real it's real hardcore punk okay sounds great so I'll just play I'll catch up to
Starting point is 00:51:23 whatever you're doing musically you guys just sort of go with it, and I'll handle it, my end. But you just play together, okay? Are we ready? Okay, that sounds great. All right.
Starting point is 00:51:34 Daryl sits down with the drums ready to go. He looks at them. He's like, yeah, that's pretty close. There's two drums. I'll just treat these like the bells. And then Henry tunes up this lute or whatever he's playing. I'm assuming it's not a six-string guitar.
Starting point is 00:51:46 They're all so fucking pumped. He's like smiling at you. Like he's feeling like he's in a rock band. I look out into the crowd and wipe my sweaty palms against my multiple pairs of pants. Pull one pair up near my belly button. Put my hands on my hips. Lick my lips. Wet the old whistle. Put my hands on my hips. Lick my lips. Wet the old whistle.
Starting point is 00:52:08 Open my mouth and get ready to pipe. To pipe? To pipe. Get ready to release these pipes. The blonde guy heads up to the front of the stage. He's sort of looking at his new bandmates. He's reasonably impressed with what he
Starting point is 00:52:24 sees. He's a little bit like weary of the fact that like once again his bandmates have decided to do this weird kink thing and skip out on an actual gig. Life in the road. But yeah,
Starting point is 00:52:34 he steps up to the mic. Mic is that, mic is. Mic is a guy who's standing there who just like cups his hands around the guy's mouth. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:40 That big megaphone. Yeah, there's a gnome who's like just standing or a goblin that's standing there with his hands overstretched above his head. It, like, cupped together. And the blonde guy walks up and puts his mouth up to the cupped hands. It goes like,
Starting point is 00:52:51 All right, everybody. We are the Red Brand Trailers. My name is MPAA, which stands for Murder, Punishment, Assault. Assassinations. Assassinations. Tonight we're going to hit you with something a little bit different. What a pro. What a fucking pro.
Starting point is 00:53:09 What an absolute pro MPAA is. Yeah, why don't you all just take it away. And a one, and a two, and a one, two. First we'll start with the beat. So, Daryl, why don't you go ahead and roll performance. Those hand bells coming in. That's a 14. 14, okay.
Starting point is 00:53:24 A pretty decent beat to Silent Night. those hand bells coming in. That's a 14. 14, okay. A pretty decent beat to Silent Night. It's just two drums. It's like Zoot Suit Riot, basically, like the toms. Okay, from the crowd, you quietly hear Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins goes like, that's not good drums. That's not enough drums.
Starting point is 00:53:42 Only two? That's amateur hour. Henry, you roll performance okay i roll my bones i got a seven okay so a very bad a loot cover of silent night starts playing fully tuned at all they're tuning as i'm playing yeah it's very out of tune very bad from the crowd henry here is lizzie boy go see i told you this is am this is not good. That guitar is all bad. It's not tuned up properly. That lute is just, it's below that subpar. Now, Ron, roll a performance
Starting point is 00:54:10 as you begin to sing. I lick my lips and get ready to wet my whistle and I roll... I can't see. I roll a natural 20. Fuck yeah! Oh my god.
Starting point is 00:54:25 We're supposed to lose. You can't help it, man. That energy just takes over you in the crowd. Okay, so you open your mouth and to the surprise of everyone in attendance, every single person, maybe including Ron, the most beautiful and impossible harmony comes out of your throat.
Starting point is 00:54:56 It's two voices in one somehow. It is Silent Night in a way that has never been performed by a human being in any realm, much less the Forgotten Realms. You turn and you see MPAA is beginning to cry as he starts playing guitar. And the audience is slowly swaying with you. Lighters come out. Yeah, little, very small torches. Even though they've never heard this song before,
Starting point is 00:55:20 by the second verse, they're just sort of singing along. It just has this hypnotic quality over them that has blown their mind. And as the singing hits Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins ears, he starts bawling, like openly bawling. And he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a picture. And even from the stage, you can see it's a painting that someone made of him and his two children. At the amusement park? Yeah, at the Neverwinter amusement park. He just starts crying.
Starting point is 00:55:52 And he holds it so close to his chest. And he looks at you, Ron, and mouths the words. And somehow you understand perfectly what he's saying, even though he's only mouthing it. He's like, it's like I'm with them again. Oh, my gosh. How does Ron feel about that? With who?
Starting point is 00:56:14 Who? Oh no. Okay, so when the song finally comes to a close, the crowd just explodes with applause. Just loses their fucking minds. Ron takes off one pair of pants and throws them out into the crowd. Daryl runs over to Ron and just slaps on the back
Starting point is 00:56:40 and hugs him. Rock and roll, man! And they said that punk was dad. Across the sea of celebration, Nicholas and Glenn Close are like, what? Nicholas is like, what the fuck are they doing? What the fuck were they doing?
Starting point is 00:56:58 They were supposed to fuck it up. Nick, we were clear, right? I feel like we said explicitly do a bad job. What the fuck was that? That was like a 10 out of 10 performance. Nick's like, we're clear, right? I feel like we said do a bad job. What the fuck was that? That was like a 10 out of 10 performance. Nick's like, we're going to die. They're going to kill us. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:57:11 Dad, I think maybe we should just go. We should just run. Yeah. We can't fight this. Yeah, let's book it. We're getting the fuck out of here, dude. All right. So Nick runs to the Honda Odyssey, and he says, get in, dad, get in.
Starting point is 00:57:28 I'm sprinting after him, guitar in tow. Okay. So he slams the door shut. Okay. So the rest of you, as you're celebrating and basking in the glory of this amazing performance. I'm crowd surfing. Absolutely. I'm crowd surfing.
Starting point is 00:57:50 You turn and you see the lights of the Honda Odyssey turn on and you hear the engine rumble to life. Nick rolls down the window and peeks his head out of the driver's side. He goes, I hotwired it and I got a natural 20. Later, suckers! And he hits the gas and the Honda Odyssey just speeds into the fucking distance. And, Henry, your phone rings.
Starting point is 00:58:09 I look down at my phone. It's from Scam Likely. Excuse me, Jets, I gotta take this, and I go over to the corner and I answer the phone. Scam, what's up? Don't trust whatever you hear or see. You've received a call from Scam Likely. Please hold for Scam Likely. Okay.
Starting point is 00:58:27 The music plays. Guys, I'm on hold with Scam Likely. I'm waiting for him to answer the phone. How much longer is it going to be? I don't know. I don't know. Nicholas just ran away with my van. I'm on hold.
Starting point is 00:58:44 There's nothing I can do. Scam, are you there? And then you hear a click. It says, please continue to hold. Henry, we got to do something. I'm panicking. I press off. Okay, okay.
Starting point is 00:59:03 All right, all right. As your finger goes toward the output, you weren't on hold. I was just playing with you. Oh, a scam I should have done. You'm panicking. I press on. Okay, okay. All right, all right. As your finger goes toward the outfit, you weren't on hold. I was just playing with you. Oh, a scam I should have done. You got your game. I'm inside the phone. It was just me, scam-likely, live on the line.
Starting point is 00:59:15 Scam, why did you jerk me around like that? Give me a break, buddy. It was my final scam. What does that mean? It means that now Nicholas and Glenn have time enough to drive far, far away where you can't catch up with them on foot. That's what I was saying. Now they got the minivan.
Starting point is 00:59:32 They're well on their way to Waterdeep. Ooh, maybe I've said too much, but I have to say it's likely that you've been scammed by Nicholas and Glenn both. Oh, fuck! Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson,
Starting point is 01:00:05 Anthony Birch as RDM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song by Maxton Waller. Additional voices this week by Jimmy Wong. This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon dad army. Fine folks like Lindsay Kay,
Starting point is 01:00:21 Gatlin Hooten, Sarah Kratky, Hilary Gay, and Selas. Thank you, of course, to all of our Patreon supporters. And if you're listening out there and you suddenly find yourself with, I don't know, like an HBO Go subscription you just canceled, why not consider supporting our fantasy IP full of adult situations? You'll gain access to bonus content like an additional podcast called Talking Dad where we talk about the campaign.
Starting point is 01:00:42 So if you dig what we do, head on over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. You can find us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads, Facebook at bit.ly slash dungeon dads, and the subreddit over at Dungeons and Daddies. Thank you to everybody listening, leaving reviews on iTunes, and sharing our dad antics with your friends. It helps this podcast grow, and all of us over here appreciate it immensely. Also, check out Story Break, which is another podcast that Matt Will and I do, where we have an hour to break a ridiculous idea for a TV show or movie, such as a feature film that finally answers the question of why did the chicken cross the road? The answer will surprise you.
Starting point is 01:01:16 Next episode's coming at you June 4th. So until then, don't forget to change the batteries in your smoke detectors and ensure all of your fire extinguishers are fully charged. See you then there was a time when you could read between the lines you know they never brought you down never brought you down how did we get here it was i had nothing to this. You guys decided let's seduce the band. That was 100% on you. I'm just saying, how did we get here
Starting point is 01:01:49 and that we started as not a BDSM podcast? And boy, oh boy. Didn't even hit double digits in the episodes until we got straight to explaining how to talk people up intentionally. Do I need to change that? I need to change that in the logo now. A sometimes BDSM podcast, but you never know.
Starting point is 01:02:03 It's just the word not is in quotes now. Yeah, or there's an asterisk something. Yeah, it's asterisk not a BDSM podcast but you never know. It's just the word not is in quotes. Yeah. Or there's an asterisk something. It's asterisk not a VDSM podcast and then another asterisk. Yeah. Not all.

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