Dungeons and Daddies - FETCH QUEST - Ep. 1 - All Dogs Go To Faerun

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

Our between-seasons mini series begins! Donut, Beignet, Cookie and Mochi scratch 'n sniff their way through a strange new land to find a Very Good Boy.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, and animal cruelty / animal death. DM is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Donut is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Beignet is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Cookie is Beth May (@heybethmay)Mochi is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song by Maxton WallerCourtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerChad Ellis is our editorTravis Reaves provides additional editingRobin Rapp is our transcriberMartzi Campos is our Game Design Consultant Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactSupport the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Fetch Quest is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for big dogs. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to Fetch Quest, a Dungeons and Daddies mini-series about three dogs and a cat who get sucked through a portal from our world into a magical, dangerous land of high adventure and have to find their way home. It's a little Lord of the Rings. It's a little Homeward Bound. I'm Will Campos, your Dungeon Master slash Alpha Dog. Whoa! Impressive! Can I get a woof woof from my pack?

Woof. Woof woof. This is too early. Alpha dog's not a real thing. I'm not an alpha dog. I'm a beta cuck. No, I feel good. If I can call Anthony

my daddy, I can call Will my alpha. My dog. I'll call him my dog. My dog. I'm your dog. It's a dog.

Bark bark. This, if you're tuning in, if you're listening, which you are, this is a little on your AM radio. We're blowing off some Steam posts post season one of judge the daddy's a little fun mini arc here. This is aftercare.

This is aftercare for the main podcast. We're doing a little mini thing right now. Anthony's prepping season two. So this is to cleanse the palate. Cleanse the palate. This is an adventure. You guys talking like this is small. This is a dog that bit you.

Before we started, Freddie was like, we small seriously bitch you yeah before we started he was like will make sure you apologize for what you're doing before you start he said that word look you've heard the concept it's time to meet these lovable pets why don't we start to my right here oh god okay mr matt arnold mr matt arnold tell us about your dog hey everybody my name is matt arnold i'm playing 11-year-old black lab who's lived his entire life at a truck stop. Lovely. Yeah. That's all you gotta know.

Oh, we need a dad fact. A dog fact. I specifically requested a dog fact from everyone. I thought of one. I'm just, I'm never first. My doggo fact is... Don't use the word doggo speak. Really quick, just as a disclaimer, Beth has requested a moratorium on the phrases pupper

and doggo we'll see about that can we still boot the snoot and do me a snooze okay what are they called beth are they called dog facts yeah okay my pupper fact is donuts least favorite time of the year is like the week after his birthday because he's a dog. So he doesn't understand what birthdays are. He just knows every once in a while like he gets like a big cake and like all these presents. He's like, oh, this is great. Like this is like my life. This is the best.

Okay. Like this is wonderful. And then for the next seven days, like what happened? Where's my food? How many presents is normal to give a dog? Because the truck stopped. Oh, a truck stop. Okay. Yeah. So he lives he said the truck stopped they said she just gave him like four glazed donuts okay and he just chows down he just has a great time everybody there knows about donut

and they all love him and he just has a lot of food and then the week after that he's just depressed he's like what happened like i thought everybody liked me but i guess it's like me after my birthday yeah well you know that's why you got your presence that's just me all year round all year round freddie just you guys can go. I'm not the traffic cop. You guys fucking figure it out yourselves. Ah, not so easy on that side of the microphone either. I'm going to stop micromanaging this podcast.

Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Cookie. Cookie is a two-year-old whippet. Look up what a whippet is. She's a spy dog, meaning that her her master agent cody banks is a retired you piece of shit you fucking garbage troll god damn it her her master go after this bullshit her master agent cody banks is a retired spy looking to reconnect with his family after years of doing horrible, horrible things. That's true. As you got to figure, Cody Banks grew up and just became a grizzled spy who probably did a lot of dark shit.

Cody Banks is 75 and trying to find his estranged daughter. Feel old yet? Oh, God. Okay. is 75 and trying to find his like the strange daughter feel old yet oh god okay fun fact about cookie is that uh she's a good girl i'm anthony birch after hearing that i really want to just rip up this character she didn't just say canonically scrappy do no scrappy that we do you just have to deal with that for three full episodes but no je m'appelle beignet a french poodle and instagram star beignet's dog fact is that beignet's favorite food is grapes because that's not good because beignet's yeah if you have a dog don't ever feed them grapes but beignet's mother accidentally fed her a grape once and while she was filming beignet beignet

like projectile vomited it just on the beat to a bruno mars song and that went mildly viral and it made beignet's master really really happy so beignet started going out of her way

to try to eat grapes to make her master happy and it just meant she vomited a lot but she's like no no no i love grapes wow

it is the food it is the cuisine a true french lady to enjoy wine oh yeah i didn't think about it that way my name is freddie wong i play mochi A true French lady to enjoy wine. Oh, yeah. I didn't think about it that way.

My name is Freddie Wong. I play Mochi, the American bobtail cat of the group. A cat? This is a veterinary office cat. This was a stray, stumbled in, and thinks of himself very much as the Patrick Swayze of the group. The bouncer, the one who keeps the peace. Like a ghost. Yeah, exactly. Mochi's cat fact this week.

Moshi's full name, Mocinius, descendant of a long line of Latin Roman cats, the great Egyptian cats of old. Those are Egyptian. Two different places. They intersected in the ancient world, my friend. Rome and... We'll be called them. Hello, and welcome to a history of Roman cats podcast.

I'm your host, Freddie Wong. Freddie, tell us about the overlap of Egypt and Rome. So even though Mochi is an American bobtail cat breed, they believe that they are, you know, have a long lineage of great cats. Like Anthony and Cleopatra. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so like, I'm looking up an American bobtail cat right now.

I've never heard of them. Like that vet like must be rich because these are like fucking purebred ass cats. Oh, looks like an American bobtail cat. Probably a mutt of 10,000. Just got its tail cut off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. All right.

Well, with that out of the way, it's time to start our adventure. Our story opens at the Animal Friendship Veterinary Hospital and Pet Spa in Barstow, California. It's a Plain Jane Garden Variety Vets office just off I-40 on the way to Las Vegas. It's about 12 in the afternoon, scorching heat outside when the doors swing open. And in walks a glamorous young lady with two dogs, Churro, an adorable Corgi, and Beignet. Well, Anthony, why don't you describe Beignet a little bit more for us? Beignet on her best day is a incredibly well-coiffed, well-groomed French poodle, but now she's looking a little bit long in the tooth. You can see that Corgi, the other dog, is incredibly well-groomed and adorable, a little bow on her head but uh benny is

looking a little bit dirty her nails are a little bit long she hasn't been bathed in quite a bit so as you guys walk in the receptionist sees your person and full-on just gocks and gets up from her seat and looks at her and says Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Good. Love it. Yes, yes. This is me. It is I. She's not looking at you at all.

She looks directly at Churro and at your owner and goes, blah, blah, blah. Kitty and Churro. Blah, blah, blah. Instagram. And then your owner, Kitty, smiles gracefully and says, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Selfie.

The receptionist gets really eager. And you see your owner, Kitty, pull out the little black box she always keeps in her pocket. Ah, the receptionist gets really eager, and you see your owner kitty pull out the little black box she always keeps in her pocket. Ah, the box! I love the box! This is how I put my face on the box! Face box! And I put my face as close to the box as possible, stretching, showing my good side.

Your owner glares at you and goes, blah, blah, blah, beignet down! Blah, blah, down! No, down! Oh, we're playing the down game. I look down. I would look down. So she holds up the little box and holds up Churro. And next to the receptionist, they all do a cute smile. And Churro just fucking looks at you with this smug little grin as the camera goes click.

And then the black box moment is over. And the two of them resume talking. The receptionist is like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Churro, who's your Churro? Oh, good boy. Who's your good boy Churro? This miniseries is going suck because, like, it hurts me to be this emotionally invested in,

like, a way that I never was with any... It never could be with any person. Like, I'm already, like, fuck churro. That's got big Tony Soprano energy. Yeah. And so then Kitty says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, beignet, blah, blah, P-U-F, blah, blah, blah. Oh, she's

trying to learn my language. This is adorable. Blah, blah, blah, B-A-T-H, blah, blah, blah, Tignet. Blah, blah, P-U-F. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, she's trying to learn my language. This is adorable. Blah, blah, blah, B-A-T-H. Blah, blah, blah, T-R-I-M. And the receptionist nods and goes, blah, blah, blah. Dave! And then a man comes around the back in a, well, you don't know what it is, but I'm not going to dog describe it. It's a fucking vet tech outfit.

Ah, a vet tech outfit. Ah, it looks like a dickies. I know, but he's from Google. It's from a dickies. So yes, he comes out in his dickies, and he takes you by the collar and starts leading you away. So you look back at your owner. Oh, wait, I look back at my owner. You look back at your owner, and then Dave

looks up at your owner and says, blah, blah, blah, Kitty and Churro, blah, blah, blah. And she goes, blah, blah, blah, selfie? And they snap a quick selfie, too. And then he drags your ass into the back. I look at Churro as I'm pulled away, and I just narrow my eyes and I whisper in dog, you're not a good boy.

I'm the only one that knows this. Oh my God. I would die for Beignet. And Churro looks back at you and goes, you're down there. I'm a pig. I will not obey that order. I will not obey that order.

Churro proves there are bad boys. There's at least one bad dog out there. Bad dogs aren't born. They're made, but there are a lot of them that get made. As Begna goes into the back, the door swings open again, and in a flurry of activity, a worried middle-aged woman rushes in, holding a big black lab in her arms. And it's whimpering and shaking.

And tell me a little bit about what's going on for Donut right now. Oh my god, I can't do this. Beth is not going to be OK by the time it's her turn. and shaking and tell me a little bit about what's going on for donut right now beth is not gonna be okay by the time it's her turn so donut the one rule that donut always has is he's not allowed to cross the highway but he heard some whimpering so he did cross the highway this morning and he found three starving little puppies in an abandoned tractor no and he was running back to the truck stop to tell his owner about these puppies and he got hit by a car oh my god 70 miles no the car like slammed on his

brake and hit it so i like to imagine that there's like a 70 car pile up on the freeway you're a little banged up there's definitely a vertical video somewhere of someone screaming as a semi-truck plows through eight cars it's's a Final Destination 2 thing basically happening on the freeway that you like stopped everybody. People are going to get decapitated by logs and stuff. You're like, I got to save those puppies. And because of people like Beth, there's like 10 people dead. But they're like, whatever, as long as the dog's okay.

I don't care if 10 people die. Yes, Matt. Whereas I'm like, kill the dog. Save 10 people. Matt, yes, that is who I am. I'm on Beth's side. The receptionist gets up and rushes over. And Terry, who I believe is the owner of Ed's, right?

Yes, Terry. Terry starts talking to her in a frantic voice. She's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Terry's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ed's truck stop. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And she starts handing her the dog. Oh, where's the puppies? The puppies. Blah, blah, blah, blah. That's okay, boy. That's okay. That's okay. Blah, blah, blah.

Ow. So the receptionist gingerly takes you and calls out, Dave, again. And Dave comes back out hairy and he sees what's going on. He's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now all my people sound French. Because he's met Beignet. Beignet has rubbed off on him. So we're in Barstow, France.

Is there food anywhere? Yes, there is a big pile of doggy biscuits on the receptionist desk next to an ornery looking cat i'll also establish that this is like very high up like the cat has like a almost a surveillance camera view of the whole room and it's just like looking down its nose just so as a scavenger dog donut is very good at getting food and is always hungry even with these puppies on its mind so it would like to try to like shift its weight you know like when you try to pick up like a cat and just like goes limp he wants to see if he can get dave to kind of like that's me what i thought you were chuckling it goes limp yeah she has a cat she has a cat was purely getting caught

sorry go ahead oh nothing i just wanted to try to essentially shift my weight so I can get my head close to that cookie jar, to that treat jar. Sure. Give me a dexterity roll. That's just an 11. Okay, so you almost get there, but no one notices, and Dave just rushes you back into the back room. And you see, as you look back, Terry, the truck stop owner, just wiping tears out of her eyes because she can't bear to see you go. As you run back, you also see the door swing open behind Terry. It's a very busy morning in this vet's office and in comes a police officer. The police officer is holding a shivering little whippet

who is covered in blood. What? I'm so cold. And she's whimpering and the police officer's got rubber gloves on. He's trying not to stroke the dog to comfort it, but he's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the receptionist is like, oh, I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so she runs over. Where's Cody? I'm supposed to stay with Cody. That's a pretty good Australian accent. It's not yet, but give me some time.

Is that bad? The cop mournfully goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Cody Banks, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. D.O.A. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And Cookie understanding immediately. You've heard enough black ops shit in your time. Yeah. I love this cop just telling a vet that this person died.

There's a secret D.O.A. And so he gives the whippet to the receptionist. He was like, oh, blah. She starts petting. He's like, there, there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she starts to go take you into the back herself. But then the cop's like, what? Blah, blah.

And he reaches up to you. And he pulls out a gun. He pulls out a gun and puts you on your back. Oh, God. He unbuckles your collar that Cody Banks gave to you that says Cookie and Cody forever on it with his phone number on the back. And he puts it in a little plastic baggie and closes it up. And he's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he sits down to wait in the room. If this was anybody other than Cody Banks, I'd be emotionally invested. Does he also take my Thunder shirt?

That's right. You have a Thunder shirt shirt on. He tries to take it off. What do you do? What do you do? I think I just start crying. He can't bring himself to take off your thunder shirt after seeing the pathetic display. Thank you. What is a thunder shirt? It's a very tight garment that you put around an animal so that they feel secure and supportive.

It's not a cool shirt with a lightning bolt. I mean, it could have a lightning bolt on it mean, it could have a lightning bolt on it. Cody Banks probably put a lightning bolt on it. Hand-stitched that shit after he finished a little sweaty lovemaking session with Hilary Duff. He probably put a... What is canonically his girlfriend in the movie? I'm just staying true to the Codyverse.

Cody said that he would always hold me tight and that if he ever couldn't hold me tight, that this thunder shirt would do it for him. Oh, no. This is taking place after the events of Agent Cody Banks 2, Destination London. Cody Banks is old. Yeah, no, he just got shot to death

and then came back for Agent Cody Banks 2, Destination London. That's the end to the Codyverse you're imagining? Implications for the Codyverse aside, as all of this is going on, a really cozy cat is lounging in a comfy cushion atop a high-parched shelf, surveying the action. Freddie, why don't you go ahead and describe

how Mochi's taking the scene in for us? Mochi yawns like a big old cat yawn and goes, a real cast of characters this morning. Oh my god. Fucking Jeremy Irons ass cat. Mochi makes eye contact with, I like to think that there's a fish. Like there's maybe a little

aquarium in here. What's the fish's name? Derek. Derek, get a load of these cast of characters. That's it. Good day, Good day. So behind Mochi is the employee of the month wall featuring everybody's pictures,

but they're all holding Mochi. So I feel like Mochi thinks that he's employee of the month every month. Just fucking killing it. The scene is settled down a little bit

in the front room and then the door swings open and a delivery person comes in. He drops something off. He spots you. His eyes light up and he goes, oh my goodness,

who's this little troublemaker? And the receptionist grins and goes, you can understand this, by the way, because you're a cat. Yes. As all cat owners know, cats can understand people, they just refuse to obey them. Yes. The receptionist grins, oh, that's Sheriff Mochi.

He pretty much runs this place. Don't you, Mochi? I hope he's not working you too hard. He looks like one tough customer. And the guy gives you a little- Mochi turns immediately before this can even get into physical contact contact turns and it's like i'm off to take a shit and he goes oh it looks like he's got a little bit of a mood bye mochi and then you jump off and assuming scoot off yeah down the way oh shit sorry i'm still obsessed with this that cats just

understand how kitty litter works yeah they can also learn how to use toilets. Oh, that's what it is. They have the little like, you know, placard for the bathroom and then someone has drawn a little cat and I go in there and I... Oh my God. Mochi absolutely hates this. Dave's in there jerking off.

He's like, hey, Mochi, cheese. Mochi definitely sits on the toilet but shits off the side of the toilet and drinks the toilet water. And he's like, this is great. I love this place. I can drink water and shit. You might think that Mochi would close the door.

No, everyone in the reception can. I don't think anybody thought a cat would close a door. This is actually important, though, for cat owners. Does Mochi not like it when people watch him poop? No problem with it. Oh, wow. That's rare. Strong energy.

Strong energy just stares them down. Stares them down, yeah. And because he's a cat, he's also doing that weird purse lips thing that they do in the shit, but they look like Alan Rickman for a second. And straight up, there's like a child in the waiting room who's like working through a Goofus and Gallant

and like lowers it and just through the dark window sees two beady eyes staring back at him and quickly puts it up, making kissy faces as a shit. Staring directly and then just sifting the liquid.

So we're going to jump to the back room of the animal hospital. While the waiting area is warm and inviting, this area is anything but. It's cold metal floors, weird smells of a zillion different dogs, plus strange medicines and cleaning products. There's dogs and cats and cages. Ivermectin everywhere.

Ivermectin, just a ton of ivermectin. There's someone selling it on the black market. You're going to know exactly when this episode is going to end. Dogs and cages are Ivermectin everywhere. Ivermectin, just a ton of Ivermectin. There's someone selling it on the black market. You're going to know exactly when this episode is going to be. Dogs in cages are barking in the corner. Some of them are on IV drips.

Some of them have big bandages and there's about five vet techs just running around like, you know, pacing back and forth in this huge bustle of activity. We'll jump in with Donut first.

Donut, they've lain you down on this cold metal table and there's this weird object looming above you. One of the vets is holding you while another one is sort of like feeling your body for broken bones but you don't know it's already asleep you're already asleep don't know when to sleep okay don't it's 11 he's

been to the vet a few times like once he left he's like it's fine i got a couple hours i'm good to get a nap while i can so you're fast asleep what are you dreaming about i'm on an endless road and there's a car in front of me. There's some donuts in the car too, but there's like three little puppies like hanging out the side of the car. And as I'm running, the car just keeps getting farther and farther away.

Oh my God. And what do the puppies say to you in your language? The puppies, they go, we're hungry. Oh no. You piece of shit. The donuts are right there, but I can't eat them. Please donut, come for donut, come for us. Come for us.

And right as you kick your legs into high gear to chase after that thing, you feel a sharp twinge of pain in your back right leg. And you wake up out of your dream, and you see this vet examining your right leg, and she's found a fracture, and it really, really hurts. What do you do? I'm like, oh, yeah, that leg hurts a lot. I sit up, and I put my paw out, like, you know, like a high five. I've learned many times.

I'm just like, so if we could just stop this for a second. There's three hungry puppies. And she goes, oh, no, no, no. And she just kind of pushes you back down onto the table. Yeah, you don't understand. I get it. Okay. I sit back up again and I nuzzle her nose.

I go, so again, I'm going to leave. There's three puppies. So I leap off the table. Oh, no, no. Give me a dexterity roll with disadvantage because you have a broken leg. I got a one. You got a one. Okay.

So you just eat shit on the floor. And she goes, she looks at the tech and the tech nods and he goes and he gets a syringe out of the cabinet and he comes over to you with it. He goes, while that's going on, Cookie, another vet is putting you in a big metal box, basically like a big metal tub because you're a pretty small dog. So it goes up to about a little bit higher than your head. And this vet who's got a big mask on looks down at you and turns a knob and you hear something rumbling all around you.

Oh no, it's thunder. And sure enough, as you hear this thunderous rumble, a jet of water from above you sprays out of a hose and blasts you with cold water. And then this vet realizes you've got this thunder shirt on and he starts trying to take it off of you. So what do you do? I think I try to bite him.

Oh, okay. Give me your bite attack roll. A little 14. Okay. Plus two. Okay, so go ahead and roll for damage. That's a 1d6 plus one. Five plus one, six.

Holy shit. And I'm normally a really good girl and I don't bite, but you were really scaring me. And he goes, ow! And then he raises his hand up in frustration and we jump to, Anthonyony while this chaos is going on you've been to the vet before you've been groomed before it's been a while is this finally like some princess time for beignet yeah i think so is somebody doing something for like have they picked

her up here's what's going on you're sat down and there's a vet tech this guy dave that just took a selfie with kitty and he is putting a grinder to your nails. But while he's, that's how they can clip your nails. Okay. So that's, that's a real thing they do. But while he's doing it, you notice he's not paying as much attention to your fingernails as he is to his own little black box where he's looking at his picture of himself and Kitty and watching it, you know, blow up with little hearts and stuff like that. So you notice he's getting dangerously close to the quick of your nails. I'm going to try to take the phone out of his hand with my mouth. Okay. Beth is so stressed out right now. I had no idea that it would hurt this much. I guess that'd be a dexterity roll. What do you want to make that? Dexterity

makes sense to me. Okay. Um, that's an eight. An eight. Okay. So he notices you and then he like kind of irritatedly kind of scooches you aside and continues grinding. He's really not paying a lot of attention and you can feel it start to pinch just a little too deep on your paw. I'm going to very over dramatically. Like it hurts a lot, but it doesn't.

Cookie, this guy's recoiling with his bit hand. He's looking really angry at you. What do you do? Water's spraying everywhere. It's rumbling. I think I just try to hop out of this thing. He's looking really angry at you. What do you do? Water's spraying everywhere. It's rumbling. I think I just try to hop out of this thing. Okay, great. I love it.

Just trying to defuse the situation and, you know, just kind of get out of here. I'm normally a really good girl, and I didn't mean to bite you, but I'm really scared. Cody Banks has taught you about waterboarding. Cookie, cookie, enhanced interrogation. Beware, I'm gonna watch the two Cody Banks movies and just be so informed about Cody Banks

holy shit my references are gonna be so good yeah you're gonna watch out I mean like I'm a dog why would I know

about like actual Cody Banks give me an athletics role I have advantage on that because I'm very fast oh yes Beth wrote that on her page

and I forgot to check it so she has advantage oh. Oh, weird. I wrote advantage on all my dexterity checks. Wait, you said that we could pick one. You said that we could pick one to have advantage on. I meant you could pick a skill from the skill side. I did. It was athletics. Thank you. Yeah.

Give me an athletics roll. That's what I meant. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got a 13. A 13. Your dexterity is 1 and then you have proficiency. So it's a plus 3. So 16. Okay, yeah, yeah. Got a 13. A 13. Your dexterity is one, and then you have proficiency. So it's a plus three. So 16. Okay, so you leap into the air and land on the ground, just as Donut is howling on the ground

as this guy's coming over with a syringe. And Ben Yeh, you're howling in the back. It's chaos back here. And Mochi, that's when you walk out of the bathroom and see all these shenanigans going on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The sound of the bathroom and see all these shenanigans going on. Oh, yeah, yeah. The sound of it definitely have the feel of like something's a miss.

I feel like you've got like a little cat newspaper on the toilet and you like fold down the top because you're like dangerous afoot. Yeah, yeah. Who's the most out of control of the dogs? Right now, Cookie is just tooling around all over the floor. She's still got a bunch of blood on her. Water's spraying everywhere. She's not out of control like in a permanent sort of way. She's had a rough day.

Seeing this much activity and this much blood, I think Mochi's gonna be like, I'll save this one for later. Who else? Who else? Who's annoying me the most? Beignet's whining really loudly. I think I'm gonna go right up to Beignet

and like arch my back and go, so I'm gonna give Beignet a smack in the face not with claws without claws like a disciplinary smack the exact thing that a cat would do to every dog yes yes freddy has multi-attack so give me one of your claw attacks i feel like no claws is half damage half damage yes that's what we're doing okay so give me your claw attack that's a d20 plus four wait is it d20 plus four is the damage? It's the attack roll. Oh, okay. 7 plus 4, 11. It's like we should have all been cats.

That is not enough to beat Benyay's AC of 12. So, Benyay, how do you expertly dodge this cat? I don't dodge it. I just let it hit my extremely hard poodle nose and glance off of me. And I just turn and look Mochi in the face like, How dare you? Who do you think you are? I'm Benyay.

I've been on the black box many times. You're making a ruckus. It is causing quite a bit of distress. Can't you see that? Why don't you tell your man to be a little bit more careful with my cuticles? The service here is absolutely outrageous. I'm already turned around and not listening.

Oh yeah, show me the ass. Pucker my cab butthole in your direction discuss things so almost on cue right as you pucker your cat butthole that's where the portal arrives the ground trembles the lights flicker everyone stops what they're doing all of the texts look at each other a little where they're like you've heard earthquake before they go earthquake and then all the animals look at each other and be like, we do not know what this is. We can't predict this, right?

You guys know it's not an earthquake. Yeah, because we always sense them early. I guess cats can't do that. I put this in writing four days ago. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there's a pinprick of green light. Well, it's more like yellowish. Yeah, it's different for everybody, right?

This pinprick of light expands and a swirling vortex of energy appears in the room and Witten starts whipping up like crazy. It's fucking chaos in here. Everyone loses their shit. And right as all of the techs are running around, you see three tendrils of energy snarl and weave their way through the room

and like they're groping around at stuff, like feeling around. They find each one of your necks and wrap around your necks and tie tight and all of a sudden you feel yourselves being dragged can i try to bite towards this part yeah go ahead and only three so most is good right yeah oh cool 14 plus 3 that's 17 so you bite it how does it taste it tastes weird oh it tastes like coming from someone who eats poop. Yeah, like it tastes like the opposite of poop, but you don't know what that is. Like it's just... I thought that was going to be deep.

It doesn't taste like poop. I don't know what it tastes like. It tastes like energy. It tastes like the way a squirrel tastes before you have bit. Ooh. Whoa. It's just like it's the anticipation,

the tension is what it tastes like. Okay. What you don't know is actually canonically, it actually tastes exactly like LaCroix. Yeah, yes, it tastes like LaCroix. That's exactly what it tastes like, lime LaCroix. If we were tasting it, if a human being tasted it, it'd be lime LaCroix. For this dog, it's unknown. I got one.

You got one? Okay, so you kind of chomp, but your teeth just go straight through it. Somehow, it's like solid and water. It makes no sense. But it starts dragging you towards this portal. I want to try to run away. Go for it. That's great.

I love that. Okay. I got a 13. Here's your proficiency. It's three. So it's 16 again. Okay. You take off.

And for a second, it feels like you're going to make it straight out the door, but then another tendril comes in and wraps itself around the first one and like starts pulling the first one. And the first one starts pulling you back. Or I was thinking that you could run into me. Oh, yeah. If you want, you can try to stop her from leaving. I see her trying to leave.

So I'm going to try and get in the way. But as I do so, I get barreled into my claws, get caught up in the, what is it? The thunder shirt. The thunder shirt. So my claws are stuck in the thunder shirt. I'm like, Dave! Dave, you fucking fool! What the hell is this?

I'm caught! this is bullshit this is against procedure benye you find yourself getting dragged towards this thing as well the second the light turned on i was like ah yes my key lights that means the small black box is gonna come in again and i fucking pose i fucking vogue is like all four of you get dragged in dave sees you freddy and dave and you have special bond. He's the one who told you, he taught you how to use the toilet. And he rushes over and he grabs you and he rips you off of the Thunder shirt. You're free. And you watch these three animals get sucked through that portal without you.

But that's fucking three dogs on your watch disappearing. What are you going to do about it, bro? Dave's booking it for the door. Everyone else is bailing. How do you feel as the sheriff of this veterinary clinic i definitely feel like i look to the bank of caged animals and all of these inmates are like literally like averting their gaze because it's like fucking prison house rules and i can't keep an orderly house in here and all of a sudden i know if i stay here, I'm fucking dead. Maybe not, but that's how I feel.

They're going to kill you? Dude, you've been in a prison? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they don't kill guards on the reg. Bro, that's because it's a very fucking- It's a vet prison, though. This is a vet's office. Dog, have you seen Oz seasons one through eight? Have you seen Oz? I watched Oz and yeah,

I'm going to try and wriggle out of Dave's grasp. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. All right, give me a dex roll. Okay, yeah. So that's going to be eight plus three, 11. Okay, Dave is terrified and he's not in the mood to put up a fight with you.

So when you start wriggling, he basically just drops you and runs. I always knew you were weak. Freddy, as you leap into the portal after these three dogs. I don't like this gives Freddy protagonist vibes. Freddy's over here like, I'm the main character. Freddy could have just, you know,

not been in the rest of the podcast also. That's what we magicians call a force. So, Freddy, you leap in and everything goes green or yellowish or whatever as time and space bend around you. Oh, it's just like this catnip bender I went on once. So all of you feel yourselves running and running and falling and falling. You go everywhere and nowhere. You know that feeling when you're playing fetch and someone throws the ball and you go to chase it,

but the ball never comes down? And for a split second before you realize they never threw the ball, it feels like gravity has stopped working and the ball is never coming down? That's what this feels like. Don't ever play fetch unless it's food. Okay. So no one knows what it is. All right, fine. Fuck me. I definitely's what this feels like i've never played fetch unless it's food okay so no one knows what all right fine fuck me i definitely know what it's like i've definitely done a couple fake throws for the gram no i'm saying i understand i appreciate the imagery

and the poetry i'm just saying donut is not appreciated okay there's a brilliant flash of light and you wake up in a forest dense and lush and teeming with life you're all basically on the ground next to each other and everything around you is quiet. Oh. I'm going to immediately bolt up into a tree out of fear. Okay, you do that. I assume that we are doing a nature shoot.

So where's the black box? I'm looking around for the black box. Oh no, we're dead. Look, up in that tree. The target went there. Target in the tree right now. Fire when ready. How did we die?

Nobody has a gun. How did you two die? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. So this is a black box getaway. It's what they call them. You go out to a nice area for about 15, 20 minutes. As long as it takes, you take three little moments on the black box to make it seem like you've been there for a long time. And then you go back home and you don't speak for the rest of the day.

Beny, as you turn around, when you say go back home, you turn around and realize the vet's office is nowhere to be seen. And nowhere to be smelled. And nowhere to be smelled either. This whole area smells just completely different than anything you've smelled before. I'm sorry to tell you two, but we're dead. My owner said, I heard it. If I ever went back to the vet, I was going to die.

So it must be. Yeah, we're dead. What's that? We're dead. I don't understand. There's a concept. What is death? What is dead?

You know, do you ever eat a bird? No. Okay. Well, that's okay. Speaking of which, are there any birds around? Okay. So you're going to give me a smell. You're going to smell the forest.

Yes. Okay. Give me a dice roll for that. Everyone gets advantage on smell checks. So if you guys want to sniff around, give me two rolls. Natural 20. I want to do inside. Natural 20.

For just like. I got a 19. Holy shit. Oh yeah. I got an 18. A lot of good smellers. On advantage. I mean, yeah.

All right. So you smell like the normal forest stuff. You smell trees. You smell dirt. You smellvantage, I mean, yeah. All right, so you smell like the normal forest stuff. You smell trees, you smell dirt, you smell pine, you know, which is the same thing as a tree, I guess. 12 kinds of poops. 12 kinds of poops. But three specific scents leap out at you. You smell like a human-esque scent

that leads off in one direction. You smell a dog scent. Not one of the dogs around here. It's got kind of a puppy smell. Oh? You smell that kind of, you know, going off in a different direction. It smells different than the three puppies I know. Yes, it's not the same puppies. But then you smell something, something amazing.

Something that smells like, it's hard to describe. It smells like home. It smells like belly rubs. It smells like your favorite treat all wrapped into one. It's kind of this weird, ever-shifting, beautiful smell. And so those are the three things you smell like right off the bat. If you want to look around, I can describe the environment for you as well. Is there anything that I see up in the trees?

Oh, yeah, that's perfect. It's actually up in the tree. So for one, you see a nest of baby birds salivating right now. You see Evan Hansen. What? Sorry, go ahead. Is it a tree that grows 40-year-old fruit? Wait, does Donut also see the birds?

No, you do not. They're pretty high up. But Freddie, when you look down, you see where you arrived. Someone carved these circles in the dirt. It's like someone dragged their paw in the shape of a big water dish like a couple of times.

Oh, interesting. And then you're seeing like these lines in the dirt as well. And they all seem to be converging on one point where you guys all arrived. Well, I'm going to go eat those birds. Okay. So you are attacking these cute little baby birds in this nature.

How young, how innocent. That's how I can. You're going to have to put one of those little, what's the dish where you put the little curtain over your head? Yes, yes, yes.

To hide my face from God. So give me an attack. An orterling, an orterling sparrow. I was going to do this. We forgot to roll for your HP. So now that we're in the fantasy world, we got HP now, right?

Yeah, now that you're in the fantasy world, you have hit points. So for those of you playing along at home, this is kind of how we did this, is I looked up a mastiff, like a mastiff dog and a cat. And so that's your basic stat block at the start of this adventure.

And then I gave you guys the ability to futz around with some of your ability points. So everyone's got a little bit of a different build. So basically, here your basic stat block for this adventure. And then I gave you guys the ability to futz around with some of your ability points. So everyone's got a little bit of a different build. So basically, here's what we're going to do right now. Everyone needs to get a dice for me because we're going to roll your hit points. For the dogs, I need you guys to get a D8. And Freddy, I need you to get a D4. Oh, 94. You got a four? Yeah, baby. All right. Well done. And then you have, what's your constitution score, Freddy? Nine. That's a four? Yeah, baby. All right. Well done. And then you have what's your constitution score, Freddie? Nine. That's a minus one, I believe. Really? So you have three hit points.

Okay. So Freddie's got three. Everyone throw them bones. Ooh, baby, baby. Don't mind if I do. Eight. So eight plus your constitution score. So nine. A nine. Hell yeah. I got eight too. Holy shit. Unkillable dog will never die. I got five plus zero. So you've got nine.

Beth, you've got nine as well. Okay. That was, I was really hoping you guys were all going to roll really low and it would be very hard. Damn. That's, you know, the dice tell the story sometimes. Sometimes the story is fucking boring. I'm the oldest pup.

I'm the oldest dog. It makes sense. I got the. Okay. Yeah. So Freddie, make your attack roll on these birds, I guess. Yes. This is your bite, by the way.

Yes. So I got a nine minus two, seven. You lunge at these little birds, and they just start screeching like crazy. And then they fall out of the nest and die, and they land on the ground. I look down and go, that is what death looks like. So on the ground? I don't understand. We're on the ground a lot.

No, look closer. What is that? Some sort of sigil at your feet. Donut is going to open his mouth and start eating a bird. Oh my God. You eat the birds. I eat the birds.

That was mine. That was a feast for me. I only ate one. Do any of you want more birds? No, thank you. I've got a tummy ache. What's sigil? What's a sigil?

I only know 165 words, which is the top amount of words that dog intelligence allows for. Intelligence is one of those. What is a dog? A dog is what I am. A target is what that cat is because he's a spy like me. There's a big secret about me is that I'm a spy. What's a spy? I'm a secret's a big secret about me is that I'm a spy. What's a spy? I'm a secret agent.

Oh. I don't know who that is. Look, all I know is that clearly there's been some sort of accident. I think they are setting up crafty, maybe. I can smell. I smell humans. And I think that maybe my master might be there. So I'm going to go ahead and head off in the direction of the human smell.

If you wish to join me. That's what they want you to do? Yes, because they want to see it. Oh, whatever spies are, you must not get the little black box i am benny a no i know i'm kitty and benny a uh i'll do the pose watch and then i do the the patented benny pose wow you're really famous oh correct correct so this one knows me yeah often when they give me donuts they show me funny pictures and i've seen you oh Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. That's, oh. What is the signature pose?

Basically, she begins to walk away and all of a sudden she stops. All four legs go in different directions and then she just turns around at the exact same time with a cocked head. Oh. It's very like Oliver and Company. Aw. What can you do? What do you mean? I can do everything I can do.

What's your trick like that do what's what's your trick like that oh what's your trick like yeah i mean i don't nobody's gonna give me anything for doing that so i'm not gonna do that oh what do you do i can run really fast if we want to see you won't run i run fast too okay ow let me take a step and my leg hurts. Oh my God, what happened? Oh, my leg. Your leg looks broken. It looks like it is bad. You know those, yeah, the car. I got hit by a car. I wasn't chasing it.

I was, yeah. That's so hardcore. Do you smell that puppy? You want to go get the puppy? Ew. No. Disgusting. Okay.

I was supposed to be looking for a human, so I would like to go that way. But I'm open for discussion. I'm also going for the human. So we are in accord if you want to join us. Okay. If not, no big deal. No, that makes sense.

I mean, it's obviously not the puppies I'm looking for. So you're just going to drag yourself forward on your front two paws? Or should we find some way of helping you along? Or how is that going to work? I just want to step on it. I'm a spy dog, so I know how to use a bunch of technology. Here's a stick, and then you can just put it next to your leg. And then you can walk on the stick like'm a spy dog, so I know how to use a bunch of technology. Here's a stick, and then you can just put it next to your leg, and then you can

walk on the stick like it's your leg, but it's not your leg, it's a stick. I try to do that. Okay, give me a dexterity roll. Ah, the use of tools. Something dogs are well known for. 15. Okay, this dog. That's upsetting.

Plus one, that's a 16. Holy shit. must like find something that can tie this stick to his leg stick that has like branches that grows in like little loops oh wow just perfectly we're in magic world so oh yes yes so you pick up this stick and you like that bart simpson slingshot stick yeah it's like one of those and like it does like kind of wedges in on your leg okay and like it's not helping that much but, it does like kind of wedges in on your leg. Okay. And like, it's not helping that much, but like, it is like, you know, it's there. And then there was some like loose binds on it.

So like they kind of tangle around your legs. So you've got like a sort of crude. Hey, thanks cookie. It hurts, but you know, at my age, kind of everything hurts all the time, but it doesn't hurt so bad. Oh, good. Not depressing at all. I sniff both their butts. Should we all roll for a butt sniff to see how much we like each other?

Yeah, roll a dice. See how that goes. What is that, like insight? Yeah, roll insight. Give me an insight roll. I got special insight. Insight with advantage. Oh, nice.

Oh, 17. I got a 19 again. I don't believe that. My butt sniff for Cookie was 18 plus 3, 21. My butt sniff for Vanier was a 13. A 13? 10 plus 3. Okay.

My butt sniff for Cookie was 18. My butt sniff for fucking, I almost said Daryl, for Donut was 17. My inset My insight My incest. A lot of pure Red dogs have incest issues. My insight for

Donut was 18 and my insight for Beignet was 14. Good news, you're all best friends now. So much squeeze for that juice, and it was worth it. And you all know each other's names from smelling each other's butts so good. Oh, great. Donut, pleased to meet you. Nice to meet you.

It's Cookie. Hi, Beignet. I smelled it in the accent that I couldn't quite figure out how to say it. Yeah, I'm from America. Oh, that describes your disgusting accent. That explains it. Yes, yes, yes. Do you three, I'm a little old for it now, but do you three like to chase cats?

We got a good one right there. Oh, let's kill it. It's sensing immediate danger. Only as targets. Okay, yeah, let's do it. Spy targets. Excuse me, kitty cat, come down and we'll kill you. We won't kill you.

We just want to get some information. That's what my master used to say. Oh, good idea. We will talk, but I will talk from up here. I have no intention of getting near to you smelly mats. Freddie, as you say that, the tree you're in begins to groan and shudder and two big fucking eyes open up and look at you and they just go get the fuck off of me

asshole or what bitch and then it just fucking sneezes and you go flying off of the tree and then the tree just gets up and walks away is the tree hot the tree is very hot like nice big old bodacious buns just like world building baby so since it's your cat give me a dexterity roll with like triple advantage for sticking

this landing damn it's also the world's biggest walking like stick we should all be chasing. Yeah. 16. Okay, so you land. I land perfectly gracefully. I blade pose! I blade pose! I run for the cat. I don't think Cookie chases him. I think Cookie's just like

I don't know, I have to see that tree. Everything that I thought that I knew, I don't know anymore. I'm sorry for everything that I thought that I knew, I don't know anymore. I'm sorry for trying to explain things because I just really don't know what's going on anymore. I go, all of you shut up and wait. I mean, I chase after. I was beginning to chase after the juicy ass on that tree because it's a big old stick. But then you said wait and something about your voice made me stop.

Freddie, give me an intimidation roll against Matt. Three, two, one. Six. Eight. Oh! Okay, so Matt, you lunge at him, but then he mad dogs you with his glare just enough that you skid to a halt. You're like, this is a young spry cat. Mad cats, yeah. He mad cats you. It feels weird to kill you when we're already dead. I don't think we're dead.

Look at the ground. Look at the ground here. That means when you don't come home anymore, and I don't think we're gonna get home, so this has gotta be dead. I have a responsibility to you three numbskulls, and we're going to make it back. But first, we need to discover where the hell are we. You think we're in hell? We could very well be in hell. If you look around, I'm already a football field away.

I'm going in the direction of the humans now. Good, good, good. All right, so what do you guys do when you see Beignet walking off? I'll go in that direction, too. I walk slowly. Now, son of a bitch. So Benya just alphaed your desire

to take over this team basically. I take a look at the thing on the ground as we go because I don't want to be left behind here.

Okay so. Because the forest is scary. You guys follow this human. Wait what does the sigil? I haven't looked

at the thing. Oh yeah. Oh yeah yeah. Hell is one of the 165 words I know too. They wasted one on hell huh?

Alright you know what Freddy give me an intelligence roll. Let's see how you do. You've got a minus four to intelligence, so That'd be a five minus four one. Oh, so one Since I was there with Mochi, I want to also look at the sigil. I don't get D&D with like

the wisdom versus intelligence because I was doing like I'm a smart dog since like I've just seen so many people but intelligence is knowing that tomato is a fruit wisdom is knowing not to put tomato in a fruit salad. Wow. That doesn't help at all. This is like Arcana. Wisdom is street smarts intelligence is book smarts is a fruit wisdom is knowing not to put tomato in a fruit salad wow that doesn't help at all this is like arcana wisdom is street smarts intelligence is book i got a natural 20 minus minus four no it's a natural 20 so are you fucking kidding me all right so don't hold things supposed to be he just knows a lot you okay so this is like some eldritch like when humans understand cthulhu for a second but back at the truck stop terry she

has her own black box that she stares at it's a little bigger than the other black box but when you're looking at that black box sometimes you see like a little world in there that kind of looks like this one and there's like a person running around and like there's like bolts of energy flying off of them it's world of warcraft you see her playing world of warcraft and like there's like bolts of energy flying off of them it's world of warcraft you see her playing world of warcraft and like dogs have a limited ability to understand world of warcraft and you understand that this is like when she steps on a thing in world of warcraft and there's a big flash of light and then she's in a different place now it looks different and that's what this reminds you of with your natural 20 yeah it doesn't really bother me so i just

follow come back come back. You seem to have gained some sort of insight. What did you see? No, wait up. Damn it. No, we should just go check out on the humans. No, no, damn it. Don't worry about it.

It's just a black box thing. I will get your secrets out of you. Can everybody give me a perception check? That's a 17. Is it getting dark? It is getting dark. It's starting to get dark in these woods for sure. 16 plus three because that's wisdom.

So 19. 11. 10. Benji and Donut. Benje. Benji. Benji. Benje.

I'm going to call him. My friends call me Benji. Benje and Donut, you guys hear a rustling and like some twigs snapping in a nearby bush. And then when you smell, just on your scent, you can smell that puppy smell. There's a puppy. you make that noise very timidly you hear the bush shake and this little puppy comes out and it is the saddest scrappiest licking little piece of shit you've ever seen in your life it's like a little sad mutt can't be more than six months old. It's looking emaciated and shivering and scared and goes, don't hurt me, please, don't hurt me. Oh, come here, little guy.

I'm plenty warm. And I lay down, you know, curled up, like kind of presenting like, you know, just come cuddle, let's get warm, buddy. He's very timid and he starts to approach you and he says, oh, I've been wandering around these woods for days, I'm so scared. How did you guys get here?

I'm going to smell his butt. Give me a perception check. 19. He smells like a dog, but he doesn't smell like any dog you've ever smelled before. Like there's something different about this dog. Your hackles raise up a little bit. Every when my hackles are raised. I don't know what that means. You can share my thunder share with me. Oh, that's okay. That's okay. I'm just going to keep my distance for now. But, um, what are you? How did you get here? I'm, oh, I'm here to see the VGB. Aren't you guys here to see the VGB?

You're going to need to elaborate. The very good boy. Oh, I mean, I'm a very good, nice to meet you. I'm a very good boy. I'm a good girl. You guys aren't though. Okay. You, you really don't know about the, I mean, I'm sure you're all very good boys and girls,

but you don't know about the very good boy? Every dog around here in Faerun knows about the very good boy. If this is some sort of clubs, then I need to be a part of it. I also need to be in the know because I'm a spy. That's a secret, though. Don't tell anybody. Wow, a spy. So, wait, we're not dead?

What's a spy? Sorry, yes? This isn't heaven or... No, you're not dead. You're in the magical forest of the very good boy. Oh, we need to get back to the where?

Where we come from. Yeah. Where do you come from? If I'm to base the answer solely on what I've heard the most, we come from Instagram. And as of lately,

TikTok. As of lately, TikTok. As of lately, TikTok. I don't know what it's called. It's just I'm promised to get a treat after we come back from it. Listen, this is the magic forest where the very good boy lives.

So the very good boy is the greatest dog of all time. He came from the stars one day. That's what they say anyway. And they say he lives in this forest and he can grant a wish to any dog that finds him. Personally, I wish I could join his pack that lives in these woods with him. I'm so lonely. So why don't you ask him?

Well, that's just it. I can't find him. I've been looking around and, you know, I'm pretty good at smelling dogs, but they say that dogs from around here, maybe it's just our noses aren't attuned the right way, but we can't find him. But, oh, I hear he smells amazing.

I hear he smells like home and belly rubs and your favorite treat. Oh, I smell that. I smell that too. You guys smell that? Yeah. Wow, you really aren't from around here, are you? No. I kind of live all over, you know, like travel around. Well, I don't know how you guys can smell

them, but if you can really smell them, then well, can I come along with you? I just, I don't know if I'm going to make it out here on my own. I ran away from the circus. Hold on, hold on. Pet huddle really quick, just so everyone can get in here. One moment. Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Pet huddle, yes, yes, yes. Pet huddle, okay. He did not smell like a piece of shit, so if he is lying, it's not going to be too dangerous, I don't think. I'll just say yes. I will vote squarely in the no category. We have enough as it is. We don't need another one.

I mean, we're going to eat you. What the hell? Actually, yes, now that we're in this huddle, we're very close to the cat. So why don't we just kill the cat right now? No, I think the cat's fine. Yeah. Yes, I like this one. Well, you're a target, but that means you have information, so it can't eat you.

He might lead us to more cats. Sure. Yes, that's right. That's true. What this one is saying. Cookie. Yes. Yes.

Yes. You are your cat. Okay, well, if you don't trust him enough, we could just go in the direction, and if he follows us, he follows us. There's no skin off my puppy nose. As my master, Agent Cody Banks, he used to say, if he dies, he dies. Benye, an old dog like me can tell when, I mean, it's pretty clear you've been on that black box a lot.

You seem to know what's up. I mean, I think you're the master right now. Have you just... Oh, I know. That was obvious. I didn't think that was even a foot of paint. Sorry to interrupt your pet huddle. I did sniff all your butts while you were huddling,

and it seems like you're all swell dogs, Cookie and Beignet. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I thought you had problems with smelling. I mean, I had problems smelling the very good boy. That's what I meant. I can smell you guys just fine, you know? And frankly, Beignet, I think you could use a B-A-T-H. That's what we call it here when you clean yourself up a little bit.

I think you could use a C-H-A-N-G space I-N space A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E. Could you say that if it's one of the 160? A change in attitude. Well, I'm sorry. It's been so long since I've eaten anything. It's getting really dark, and this forest gets really scary at dark. So maybe if you guys can help me find the very good boy, maybe he can help you guys get back home, and he can help me.

I take one of the half carcasses of one of the little baby birds, and I bring it over to him. Oh, God, that's right. Oh, great. Yeah, that looks really good to eat. You wish for sustenance. Eat it. Consume it.

Eat it, you pussy. Do it. Prove you're not a pussy. You want to join our gang he's a bird uh okay okay put it in your mouth he's going to put it in your mouth he chows down on the bird he turns ill the second he starts eating it and he throws it up and he goes oh oh no is that great with that bird no i just i don't know i've seen this happen to kgb members before where they eat poison i don't know what kgb means but he could be a in poisoned you know of the killer good boy he lives in a different forest we don't go there no but uh could i do anything for you i just if

we could get going i'm just really scared it's gonna start getting cold and like you know maybe if we find the very good boy you can give me something better to eat than a dead bird well let's go off against the good smell so we have the good smell you're saying it'll give us a what's a wish a wish is like you know oh i i'll take this one so you know how sometimes your master will bring back something such as very expensive and when you pee on it, they get angry? And then sometimes they'll bring back something that looks like it but slightly different.

And if you pee on it, they don't get angry? The second one is from Wish. Oh my God. Holy shit. So you get dogging inspiration. Wasn't that funny, but I got inspiration out of it. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Well, if that's the case. I started lumping over there. Off we go. All right. So you're off to go see the very good boy. This is almost as good as a cow ride. It's a regular ride. So basically, you're going to be following the scent through this twisty, turny forest.

And you go along for a little bit. You're hearing spooky sounds. You're seeing strange sights. The forest is trying to shift around you. But now that you've got that scent in view, it's like you can't be fooled by it until you hit this magical grove full of fruit bushes of all different kinds of grapes. There's strawberries, there's blueberries, there's all sorts of stuff. And in all of these pungent scents, you start to lose the scent of the very good boy.

It starts getting mixed in with all the other scents. So there's no catnip. There's tomatoes. There are tomatoes. That brings us to our very first smell challenge. What? What? So Will has a brown paper bag full of things

that he's currently rooting around in. What? What looks like a bunch of paper bags. Okay, so here's how this is going to work. I have some scratch and sniff stickers. What? Of various fruits, and I'm going to need you guys to smell them

and then agree on which is which. Okay. To kind of sort your way through this smell maze. Okay. You can figure out which one's apple and which one's, I've got the list of them. We've all been vaccinated, just in case you're wondering.

That's why you guys all have separate bags, too. Oh, perfect. The scents are cherry, pineapple, cotton candy. Cotton candy is a fruit in Faerun. Apple and strawberry. Great. Not just another vape flavor. Cherry, pineapple, cotton candy, apple, and strawberry.

Everybody close your eyes. Okay. We're going to start with the first smell. Okay. Start scratching, start sniffing.ing okay all right oh okay that's definitely strawberry it is the from blah strawberry or cherry wait i think it's cherry it's cherry you're right it's cherry it's definitely not strawberry significantly less strawberry yeah it's not my guess is cherry i think it's cherry it's cherry all right i'm pulling out the next one. Number two is pineapple, I think.

Nope, that's 100% cherry. Fuck yeah, that is more cherry. No, this is the cherry one. I think the first one was strawberry then. Yeah. My instinct was strawberry for the first name. Yeah, this smells like cherry red vines or Twizzlers. I'm going back to the first one then. What the fuck?

Now I don't know what it smells like anymore. They lose it after one scratch. I do not know the third one. Do you guys want to move on to number three? Either way, two is definitely for sure cherry. Two is 100% cherry. I think it's apple, the third one. The fuck is that?

I think it might be cotton candy. That's not cotton candy. No. It's pineapple. For sure. Is this pineapple? Yeah. Okay.

Number three? Your confidence convinces me. Okay. Number three is pineapple. Okay, we're going to guess pineapple for that. Okay. Okay. This is exciting. Number three is pineapple. Okay, we're gonna guess pineapple for that. Okay. Okay. This is exciting.

Hit me with... I'm having fun. Number four is vanilla. Well, vanilla's not an option. Maybe it's cotton candy then, yeah. Yeah, but it absolutely is vanilla. But cotton candy. What the fuck? I think the last one's apple. I think the last one's apple. Yeah, I don't smell. The fourth one is cotton candy.

I think this one is cotton candy. I'm going to my last one now. I think it's apple at the end. Yes, last one is cotton candy. I think this one is cotton candy. I'm going to my last one now. I think it's apple at the end. Yes, last one is apple, I think. Last one is apple. Okay, so we're saying strawberry, cherry, pineapple. I want to double check one and three one more time. Cotton candy, apple.

All right, we have a quorum. Who wants to be team leader and tell me what the group guess is? I'll say Benji. Benji. Yeah, it's me, Benji. Take it away. All right, so benye's guesses for the team are one is strawberry two is cherry three is pineapple four is cotton candy

and five is apple uh five out of fucking five these do not smell like any of these things yeah it, it's sort of an abstract. And yet we still got it. It's sort of an abstract game of trying to guess what the manufacturer thinks that those smells are. As you sniff your way through, you guys are able to, by hook or by crook, make it through. Can I eat strawberries? Yeah, you guys can chow down on whatever you want. Yeah, I eat pretty much everything I can. Wait, but what are the fruits that we can't eat? Oh, do you know them?

Make an Arcana check. I definitely eat a grape. Okay, well, that's... Give me a constitution rule. Grapes, by the way, your dog could just eat one and not know it's a bad thing and then just die from one grape.

Yeah, don't ever... Don't ever do this. I got a 16. You got a 16? All right. You're able to hold it down. Wow. I'm like, aw.

Because I like to pause where I vomit and my mask gets all heavy. You can vomit if you want to vomit. Give me another constitution rule. At the moment, I think I see Benny take a grape. I slap him.

Oh. Oh, you just got bitch slapped. Where do you slap me? How do you slap me? Roll for bitch slap. Get it? Because he's a dog?

Yeah, give me an attack roll. Guys, you get it? I got three. I got that. Oh, like a bitch.

Yeah. I got three. Like a woman. Okay, well, you kind of. Okay. Hey,

those kill you. No, no, no, nothing can kill Benny, but Benny. You're now a god to donut. He's those kill you. No, no, no. Nothing can kill Benyay but Benyay. You're now a god to Donut. He's seen dogs die from grapes.

By the way, no citrus fruits. No citrus fruits. Bad. And also grapefruit. Bad. By the way, your puppy companion is very impressed. It's like, wow, that's amazing. Yeah.

So which way do we go? Oh, it's this way. Okay. So you head off back into the forest, back into this twisting, shifting maze. Oh, wait, just real quick. Yeah. Do we level up? No, you do not level up.

Not yet. It does hurt to hear no to that question. Yeah. Are we all level one? Yeah, you're all level one right now. You're level one cats and dogs. Okay. Give me a perception roll.

14. So 14. So, Freddy, you see, like, you know that moment, they do this in, like like all the dinosaur movies where the guy thinks he's just in a divot but then he realizes yeah big ass paw like you realize you're in a biggest dog but like this is like dwarfs your entire size this dog paw so wherever you are you're getting close fucking clifford shit so you follow i'm assuming the direction of this paw which seems to be going in the direction of the scent. And you happen upon, it's like almost the opposite of the berry grove. This is clearly like

a dog's snack grove. And it smells amazing to you guys. There's moldy old cheese. There's like rancid bacon, just miscellaneous garbage strewn all over the place. And these smells are incredible. I'm so scared right now. But once again, you lose the scent of the magic dog. God damn it, no. We have to scratch a rancid bacon

fucking scratch it stiff. So it's time for round two of our smelling game. Oh my God. I can't believe you did round one and two back to back like that. That's so funny. Can we get some coffee to

clear our nose palates? Is this going to make me break vegan? You do find a little pouch of coffee. Holy shit! Holy shit! He was ready, bro! Is that a thing for Seth? Do you ever go to a perfume place or anything? No. I'll pass this around.

You guys want to take a whip of coffee to clear your nose palate. So for those that don't know, in between smelling things, you smell coffee grinds to clear your nose palate. Wow. I love that. So this time, it's a little easier. You're only trying to give me three cents. This is stinky cheese.

Fuck. Garbage. No. Is one of them your farts? And rancid bacon. I hate this. I'm vegan. I don't like this at all.

Okay. Stinky cheese stinky cheese garbage and bacon fuck all right i have it in my hand fuck i don't want to do this oh my guess is that's gonna be the garbage god fuck god oh that might be stinky cheese that might be stinky cheese cheese stinky cheese definitely cheese for sure i think's cheese. It smells like good cheese. It smells awful. No, it just smells like blue cheese. And it's like, I'm allergic to cheese. This is awful for you to do this. It's that plus this weird, you know,

extraction sift chemical. Paint a description of these smells for our listening audience. Number one is a sharp ass fucking pungent, like odor. I don't know how to describe smells. No, you know like when you like, have you ever thrown blue cheese like in the trash can and then later you just open up the trash can? It smells like that. Yeah don't know how to describe pungent. No, you know like when you like have you ever thrown blue cheese like

in the trash can and then later you just open up the trash can and it smells like that. Yeah, that's exactly what it smells like. Yeah, I guess.

It's bad but it's not like that. Alright, number two. Number two. Okay, number two. Ooh. It's either garbage or rancid bacon. It's kind of a burning rubber.

Oh, that smells like bacon. Bacon. I think there's a sort of a rancid burning rubbery. I want to compare this to get to the next one because this is just awful.

It smells like bowling shoes. It smells like bowling shoes. It smells like bowling shoes. It smells like bowling shoes. Number three is really close to number two. It smells like bowling shoes. Number three?

Okay. I think number three is bacon. I cannot tell the difference between two and three. Three is for sure bacon. Two is for sure garbage. There's a little bit of a meaty taste.

Oh, I hate it. You can smell the meat in three me. Honestly, you guys are overreacting. I could do a burger right now from smelling those three things. Give me a stinky cheese, rancid bacon, and garbage burger from In-N-Out, the worst burger place. You know what the worst part is? I was gonna go compare two to three, but then I

accidentally picked up the stinky cheese one unexpectedly. Smelled the cheese, and unexpectedly smelled the cheese. And I was just like, where did I put the coffee? Benji, you want to say what the— So, Benje— Benje, sorry. It's okay. You can call me whatever you want as long as you call me.

So, we believe that the first one was stinky cheese. The second one was garbage. And the third one was rancid bacon. Bacon. Guess what, guys? Three out of three, you fucking naysayers. It's so good. Now my fucking fingernail smells bad.

Now my fingernails smell like coffee and rancid meat. It's a little take-home souvenir for everybody. I can't believe you've done this. No one ever gets to complain about my gimmicks ever again. Anthony is now the second best DM I've ever played with. Thank you very much, Will, for that wonderful scent experience. Man, I can smell that. Yeah, it smells bad now, actually.

I'm activated in this room. My fingers fucking smell. So you've sorted out the smells in this stinky mess. Can I eat all the stinky cheese and bacon and trash? Sure, but you will have to take a big whiff out of each one of them again. Oh, man. And keep them.

Whoa, I just did it. Theater of the mind. No, no, no. Oh, God, audience, you can't possibly imagine how stinky this is i just washed my hands okay all right matt matt here's what we'll do here's what we'll do we'll do hard mode if you eat the stinky cheese okay you will heal your fractured leg this is magical very good boy cheese okay however i also have stinky markers okay and if you eat the cheese i get to draw on you with his marker

for five seconds. Oh my God. Five seconds? That's so long. Hell yes. I know exactly where you do it too. Dick on the face. Nick. Just literally Can I smell the marker before you draw it? Alright, you can smell the marker. Do it. Do it. Right on my nose. Right under my

nose. Oh my gosh, the stache. Oh no. Brutal. I'm not going to lie. Right under my nose. Oh, my gosh. The mustache. Oh, no. Brutal. I'm not going to lie. It smells pretty nasty. You drew right under my nose. For some reason, I was concerned. Why was I concerned about drawing a dick on my face? Like, oh, no, I can't wash it off.

I'm going to be so embarrassed. No, you did it right. Donut goes hog wild on this cheese, and you feel younger than you have in years and you smell fantastic. You got to eat this stuff. My legs feel great. I kick off the stick. I think that cookie is like one of those dogs that is like allergic to everything and the

owners have to be like, no, she has to have this certain kind of food because her skin breaks out. Cookie steering player. Yeah. All right. Anyone else want to dive in? You guys can get a little marker present. Not even a little.

Not even a little. I don't have any broken fucking legs. I don give a shit no all right you push through the stinky garbage patch and finally and long last you find yourselves in what can only be described as the heart of the forest more like the fart of the forest does frank get inspiration no real life Real life I do, baby. I carry it with me everywhere I go. Who do you think you are? I am.

Who do you think you fart? I am. It's this gorgeous area of the forest. There's like a tranquil lake. There's a breeze blowing through. There's like wildflowers growing. And there's like another little copse of trees. And you look around and there's like all of these amazing areas where the very good boy might be.

But again, it's like you're at the final level of this tricky, trippy, kaleidoscopic forest. It's like it's trying to keep its most precious prize secret from you. And don't worry, you only have one more cent to suss out and this is the evil it's not gonna be the easiest one yet for matt because matt has a bunch of stinky cheese in his face yeah but i have with me some yankee candles oh my god yay you will not keep one you will not defile my place with yankee candles he's not a light him. He's going to light him. I do actually, I forgot to peel them out. Do you need a tool?

I have tools. Do you have scissors or something? You need a tool? I know Freddy. Boo! Beth gets inspiration. Beth gets inspiration. I don't get inspiration. Fart?

No, fuck off. Because fart rhymes with heart? No, Freddy. Me calling my friend a tool, though? Hell yeah. Can't do that every day. Unless you're hanging out with Freddy. It's like a double inspiration from that one.

So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you five Yankee candles. You are going to have to pass them around this time. Five? Actually, we'll do three. We'll do three. Three's easier. Okay.

You're going to have to tell me which. Four. I want to be a challenge. You're bad at negotiating. Four. Why are you my boss? No. I want to be a challenge. You're bad at negotiating. Four. Why are you my boss? All right. No, I want it to be challenging.

All right, we're going to do four. We'll do four, and you're going to have to tell me, because this is like, again, like some smells like you can't even describe them. They're like almost esoteric. So you're going to have to tell me which of these is Bahama Breeze. Fucking hell. That's really funny. Fuck, that's good. That's really funny that's good that's great

build up to it that's great one of them is light blue like an ocean so i'm guessing that one i have bad news there are three blue ones i can tell which one's bahamas i know yankee i dare you. Okay, so you're not allowed to sniff them, but if you can guess based on what it looks like, then you... Yeah, Matt has a side bet.

Matt has a side bet. Matt has a side bet. Okay, here's what we'll do. The donut gets two extra legs. Yeah. It's already got an extra leg, if you know what I mean. Whoa.

Oh, yeah. So here's what I will do. if matt can guess by sight alone he gets to cancel out your guess if your guess is wrong okay like donut will be like no it's this way and okay i mean already i already made my guess okay that's right there's that light blue one that looks like an ocean if i'm wrong yankee candles wrong i chose the wrong color if you guys wrong i don't want to do it. I'm going to hand the candles to Beth. She's going to smell them and then pass them down the road.

I still want to smell them. I've already made my sight guess. I'm not going to change my sight guess. Don't take away me being able to smell five delicious Yankee Candle smells. Come on. So this is like a darkish blue. And it smells like soap to me. It smells like hotel soap, but in a good way.

Okay. Good hotel soap. They have hotels in the Bahamas, you know. This is the light blue one. And it smells like sweet air. Oh, that's a Bahama breeze, baby. Sweet air. That's a Bahama breeze.

Sweet air. And then this is like a. Beth, are you a poet? Fuck you. That's the only tough one. This is like Beth are you a poet? That's the only tough one. This is like a weird blue also a blue. It's like a teal. Yeah and then it's melting a little bit on the bottom and

it smells like sweet soap. So two soaps and one that is clearly Bahama breeze so far. Turquoise was the other one but that felt like it would be more like ocean or something. No. Describe which color this one is. No. Anthony, you're up. All right.

Describe which color this one is. Yeah. No, I'm asking you too. I'm colorblind. All right. So that's like the dark blue. Wait, how would you describe it, Anthony? How would you describe it?

It's a gray. Like a grayish purple. Okay. Or blue. I mean, that's kind of, yeah. All right. I think Beth had it on the money. This one just smells like soap.

This one I'm going to say is a little bit more like your mom's shampoo. My mom's shampoo? Your mom's shampoo. My mom's shampoo? Your mom's shampoo. My mom's shampoo. How do you know my mom's shampoo? I know a lot of things about your mom and your mom. Oh, boy. So now he is smelling the light blue.

That's the one I thought was my mom's. This one is my mom. There's no other way to put it. There's like a hint of vanilla. There's some salt there that presumably is like the salty sort of beach air you smell salt in that kind of i fucking love salt i wish i could smell salt in there now that i know i see this is what does the dragons just like most of the time

i'd play a lot more dnd i'll tell you what i'm going for the dark one go for the dark one i'm almost afraid he's doing everything he can not just to say so no here's what it is it has a very like fabric softener feel to it not bahama breeze it's like this is what the laundry room smells like cooking term this is what the laundry room smelled like when i had an apartment with the laundry yeah this is the one that smells like hotel soap i'm uncomfortable watching freddie smell these smell he's like smelling smelling them with way more emphasis and intensity than anyone should. There's a fine line between smelling and snorting. So you should open your mouth a little bit.

If we had an HR department, I'd go to them right now. Whenever you're sampling a scent, you should open your mouth a little bit so that you can get some air. No, you should. Only when you're by yourself. No, no, that's true. This is what true connoisseurs of the olfactory. I really don't consider myself that. I don't really get too much off of this one.

I would be happy to die not being a connoisseur of olfactory. That was the middle one. This was the light green one. Light green. I blew the one I said was bomb of breeze. I can't. I'm not getting anything from this, honestly. Freddie has bad smell. Did I take all the smell out of it did you can you do that can you snore

all the smell I'm gonna defer to the group on that but they all are just variations on like laundry room soap to me after all that even with your mouth open you couldn't differentiate between the three all right how do you do frankly lightly open your mouth, you fucking...

Yeah, soap. The dark one. That was the dark one. Yeah, shampoo. Yeah, right? Yeah, Bahamut Breeze. Just take the fucking tape off. Alright, so we'll do them one by one. The dark blue was...

I know I'm right because he wouldn't save it. We said it was soap. What if this is it? The dark blue was Mediterranean breeze. Oh, fuck off. Oh, now I'm worried. Yeah, the dark blue ocean, okay. The middle one, the ocean looking one,

was beach escape. Beach escape. Which means... That we were fucking right right i don't fucking believe it all four of you and matt without even smelling it correctly called bahama breeze congratulations i'm a painter i know those colors i was like that's good i'm like what else color would he use for bahama breeze i'm sorry podcast listener you couldn't see matt's face when mediterranean breeze drops not only lost his confidence but retroactively lost all the confidence he'd had in the previous hour. There were some people in the Discord that were like,

I cannot wait for Will to DM. He's going to bring some hard D&D mechanics into the whole show. It's going to be really cool. It's going to be real. Someone's going to be like, actually, that wasn't Beach Escape. So somehow, despite this strange, ethereal place that seems desperate to throw you off its scent, you all know, again, it feels like a homecoming. I feel like Donut knew before anybody else. Donut did know. And I think maybe it's because Donut's been closer to the edge.

Do you know what I mean? Donut's been a little closer to death before. Oh, God. I didn't. Okay. Like you're an old, wise dog. Yeah, no, I am close. Yeah.

And as the oldest, wisest dog, you see this copse of trees and you're an old wise dog and as the oldest wisest dog you see this copes of trees and you just know that that's where the very good boy is and you lead the group in and as you come into the copes of trees there's an even smaller little clearing and you guys see a gigantic dog what color is he and he's silver oh and he's got a stubby little tail. And he's got two big black splotches on his eyes. Oh my gosh, your dog. He looks exactly like my dog, Roscoe, except he's really big. It's one thing to self-insert as a DM. This is my OC, please don't steal.

OC VGB. It's an OC VGB. So the very good boy. Roscoe's a very good boy. He's curled up sleeping. So cattle dogs do this thing called shrimping, where they stick their front legs way up and then hook their other legs.

It's very cute. Just look at that. It's also a thing that human people use to describe sucking on toes. Okay, alright. Well, that's not what's going on. I'm going to go to YouTube and roll the dice. Well done. Well done. Oh my God.

It's like being funny. How big is it? It's a huge category. So it is probably the- To feel like a puppy again. It looks like about the same. You know what a semi-truck looks like, right? Yeah, I just go cuddle up. I just go cuddle up.

You go and curl up next to it. Yeah, I go and curl up next to it. I feel like a puppy again. I clear my throat. Excusez-moi, monsieur, very good boy. Monsieur, good boy. Monsieur, bien... Boy?

Très bien. What's French for boy? Madame and monsieur. Très bien, monsieur. Très bien, monsieur. Très bien, frère. Très bien, frère. So he kind of stirs, but he doesn't wake up.

He seems to be in almost like a trance, like a deep slumber. I bark. Nothing happens. And as you guys areance, like a deep slumber. I bark. Nothing happens. And as you guys are looking, you see the little puppy. Like it just looks up at this big dog with these big eyes and it starts, you know,

sort of cautiously approaching this big sort of like, you know, nose that's breathing in and out. And he says, oh my God, it's here. After years of searching, I finally found you. We should take him away. Oh, it's going to be a trap. You're so beautiful. It's here. After years of searching, I finally found you. We should take him away.

This is going to be a trap. You're so beautiful. It's too late. And you're going to make me so fucking rich. Yeah, there we go. That's how it all got there. I knew it. Oh, the fucking dogs.

Before your eyes, the dog begins to transform into a human. Oh, no. It was a druid all along. Oh, gross. And so you see. Oh, that's why there was a human scent for a little bit yeah and that's why when he smelled the butt it smelled like a dog but not a dog pets really are the dumbest of creatures so you see him transform and like the blink of an eye and you see this tall sinewy man with like animal pelts draped over him and like a big raggedy beard

and he looks at all of you and he says i'm so sorry i had to use you like i don't know i'm doing like a joker voice yeah it's really fucked up i'm so sorry i'm sorry i just want you to know that i'm also sorry i had to use you like i did i love animals i really do but only dogs from another plane of existence can follow the very good boy's scent. Not even I, Antho, a druid of the birch tree, or as we say in druidic, Antho knee birch, could accomplish this task.

I rip his throat out. We all attack. We all attack at once. I rip his fucking throat out. You guys want to fucking go? You want to roll initiative? Let's go. Let's roll some initiative. Seeing Benji attack. I'm going to give myself disadvantage because i said i was sleeping i got a seven oh i got a seven two plus one eight initiative 18 18 plus 3 21 so 11 plus 2 for me 13 all right freddie fucking what do you do just real quick just give me a description of the area

around the dogs it's just a clearing huh so it's basically like a little meadow he's all snuggled up in like this circle of trees. What's he wearing? The dog? No, no. What's he look like? This druid. This druid, he's covered in pelts.

He's got like a staff with him. I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm going to go right into his ankles and then climb up and get up in his gooch. In his gooch? You're going to go for the gooch? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go from a gooch approach. Are you going to try to bite?

What are you doing? Are you biting? Are you attacking? I'm going to tunnel into there and I'm going to go bite his gooch. Well, like under his robes. I'm assuming he's got like robes and shit. Alright, so we're going to call that an attack roll. And remember, you've got multi-attack

so you can attack him three times. Yeah, it's fucked up too because I got bacteria on my fucking teeth that'll drive him insane. Wait, what? That's a theory about cats and why we like cats. But when we go in, it's like fucking cat vision, and it's like you see it all the way up his skirt. Okay, great.

Nice. Nice. Upskirt, finally. 17, 17, baby. A 17? All right, that hits. 17 plus four. So the first one hits.

Are you going to go in, or are you going to do multiple attacks? I can do two claws on his gooch, right? You can do two claws and a bite. One freak ball. I mean, a claw right in that urethra would be the most painful. Oh, no. 1d2 plus 2. That's a 1 plus 2. It's a 3 damage for the first one. 3 damage. Okay.

2 plus 2, 4 damage for the second one. 4. And a bite of 1. 1. So that's 8 damage. Straight to the dick. And he goes, ow, my dick! Ah, what the fuck? Ah, I, Anthony Burch, am a huge dick! Ah! Oh, it hurts, but it's really not that important. Yeah.

I can still kill you easily. You had disadvantage because his dick is so tiny. Yeah. Nice. Got him. Got him. All right, so he's pissed.

He's like, was not expecting you guys to go this fucking. He's pissing on him multiple holes now. It's like a shotgun now. Ew. It's like a fucking. What now It's like a fucking lawn sprinkler Baby

He's just gonna stand in front of the urinal And hit the ones to his left and right Well it's his turn next So he is going to attack you Freddy Yeah good luck Punch your own dick dumbass Freddy what's your AC Fuck

He basically takes his staff and he tries to jam his own he does it it's not that he hits his ding dong but because he's trying to avoid his ding dong it's a very ineffectual attack on you anthony you're up next all right so i'm gonna bite him in the ankle okay uh and hope that i'm yeah the ankle of his dick. The ankle of his dick. That's what they call me. And I'm going to say, your sister would have found the dog quicker. And that's going to be a 13. 13.

God, oh God. I really should have had him cast bark skin before he got into this fight. Alright, so that hits. Roll for damage. These four animals are about to murder a human being. Dude, he surprised us. So it's a six plus one, so that's only three damage, but now he has to try to save with strength throw.

Shit. Or he's not prone. I thought this guy was going one shot. We all get advantage against him if he gets knock prone. Okay, so how does bark work? So as far as I can tell from the bite that you wrote here, it's not very high. He only has to beat a 10 saving throw with strength

or he's knocked prone. Okay. Okay, so he's knocked prone. Yay! So he's knocked prone? Is that what's going on? He's knocked prone, which means that all melee attacks on him have advantage.

Okay. And he has to spend all of his movement standing up. God fucking damn it. He doesn't have to move very far to hit us. He goes, ah, fuck, my dad, ah, what, and then my aunt, ah. And she just falls on the ground. And this is not how we saw this going. Can we understand him now in Faerun?

He can speak with animals. Oh, that's what. Man, we've just seen all this shit come. He was a human the whole time. Beth, it's your turn. He just takes his staff and just grabs the stick. He takes his staff. Yes, yes.

Yeah. All right. Let's do a post strength checks. How about that? But you don't get the advantage because you're not attacking him.

You're just trying to scuff the thing. Be one. I'm very fast. All right. What'd you get for your strength? I got a five.

Okay. He got a 14. So you did not get his staff. His staff now comes with a little cookie. He's like, you got your staff

though, right, bro? Oh, you had a mouthful of ding dong. He's like, he's holding out. Looks like Mochi got your staff though, right, bro? And I go, mm-hmm, yep, mm-hmm. Oh, he had a mouthful of ding-dong. That's horrible. Donut, having lived 11 years on a truck stop, has dealt with many strays and some wild incidences.

So he goes into battle mode. He's just going to go straight for the eyes. Okay. He's going to clamp down on one of them eyes. One of his eyes, all right. If you're doing a targeted attack, we're going to lose the advantage. That's how we'll do that. I feel like that'd be a disadvantage if you wanted to do a called shot like that.

Okay. So it's just a straight attack roll. I've rolled four fives in a row. You lunge for his eye and he sees you coming and he turns out of the way just in time and you sort of just get a big old chop of grass. How did he see him coming? Freddie, we're back at the top of the order. Speaking of coming.

So I'm still in there. I'm basically... You're not in anywhere. You're on. No, I'm underneath. No, he's under his pants. Oh, in the pants, I see. He's wearing robes. Yeah. He's a druid. He's easy. If you keep hitting him, you'll get advantage on all three of your attacks.

Yeah, I'm gonna fucking go full battery of attacks World War II style against his ding dong. All bites or all claws? It just gets three. All right, go for it. I'm just all three claws.

Just fucking roll. Are you going to release the balls? I just want to say, I put this encounter into like there's an encounter creator that like analyzes like, well, based on all the math, this should be.

And so I literally was like. Nice try, fucking nerd. I was like, I want to fucking one shot these guys because i need to end this is the end of the episode it's gonna be like oh no and he gets away with the dog and then fucking it was like all right one druid versus four level one dogs this is a deadly encounter this is straight up the highest hardest dark souls shit in the fucking game but go ahead there's still a pretty good chance if he gets up we're all fucked i mean

by the dark souls his dick right now baby right, that was a 17 to hit. He's 11, so just tell me if you beat 11. Yes, I beat them all. So you've hit him three times again in the penis. So that's 3 plus 4 plus 1. So 3 plus 4 is another 5 damage, right? Dude, how much? That's like, no, 3 plus 4 plus 1, baby, that's 8 damage total.

That's 8 damage. Okay, so you've now done 19 damage to him. Is he bloody? Dude, I've done eight damage total. Eight damage. Okay, so you've now done 19 damage to him. Is he bloody? Dude, I've done 19 damage specifically to his dick. In season one, when we show up, that would have killed us. We would be dead. Daryl would be fucking death

saving right the fuck now. I don't know what to do about the fact that Freddy learned that this character's name was Anthony Burch, and the first thing he thought was, I'm gonna take that dick. I've been designing this campaign with my sister, Marcy, who's a game design professor at USC. And she was like, what you should do is give Freddy the Dungeons and Dragons 3.5 edition cats. Because the 3.5 cat was notorious for being able to kill an NPC.

So you have done 19 damage to him. He is horrified at what is going on right now. He thought he was on top of the world. This was the greatest moment of his life. And now he is clinging for life. Oh, is he bloodied? Yes, he's very bloodied. Oh, okay.

Holy shit. Goddamn right. He's like, Goddamn Niagara Falls in his pants. Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you guys? So he limps to his feet, clutching his injured wiener with one hand,

and with the other hand- It's gonna take two for- Beth, you shouldn't laugh that hard. And with his other hand, he says, you fucking brats, you fucking awful little animals. And he casts. Dog kill. Cast entangle. A dog kill on you.

He casts entangle. I'm going to need everybody to make a strength saving throw. Strength. I failed. What did you get? Three. Okay. Negative one.

God. I got a five. I got a five. I rolled a five. Basically, vines erupt from the ground and drop around all of you and pin you to the ground. But my dick's okay. But your dick is fine.

No, it's a giant needle that spikes on it. And all cats are girls anyway, so what are you talking about? You were giving him a grapple job. So Anthony Burch staggers away, clutching his pee-pee, and he says, I had a cool thing playing.

You stupid. Wish for a new dick, idiot. Yeah, well, you know, you're going to be wishing you were never born because when they find you, oh, I wish I could be there to see it. And he pulls out what looks like, I guess, none of you know. Not his dick because he doesn't have it anymore.

Guys, this is a serious podcast. Okay, sorry, sorry. He pulls out a sleep grenade and he spikes it on the ground. This is a real thing that I made up based on a spell. This is a real thing that I made up? I love that. If it's a grenade, is he in the...

No, because he staggers away. Well, he used all of his movement to stand up. All right, fine. Well, then he does it. Fuck yes, baby. Anthony on our team finally. All right, fine. Well, then he does it. Fuck yes, baby. Anthony on our team finally. All right. He was working against us so harshly.

He's like, all right, I can't move yet, but ooh, I'm going to use this grenade on you once I get out of range. And then he waits. And all of you can make a dexterity saving throw again if you want to try to break free from his entangle spell. Natural 20. I got five. I got five, so I'm still Natural 20. I got five.

I got five, so I'm still entangled. I got an 18. Oh my God. Oh my dog. From inside, I go, his dick.

Go for his dick. All right, so Anthony, what do you want to do? Donut thinks there's a ball. He's very excited. So I'm going to, I guess just try to bite him again,

knock him down again. Okay. Yeah, I might as well just try to knock him down. You could jump on that sleep grenade like a fucking metal. That is going to be an 11. You lunge for him and he's able to dodge out of the way.

He goes, kiss my ass, stupid dog. I'm going to bite him on his hand. Okay. His fingers. The hand holding the grenade? His sixth finger. The other hand. The penis.

Should I bite the penis? I mean, like, we've done man-killing amounts of damage to his fucking groin. Wait, so what should I do? So you're just attacking him. Yeah, I was just saying you bite his penis. Listeners, you can fill in wherever you want. Use the theater of the mind. All right, give me an attack roll.

Okay. I got a 19. Yeah, bitch. Normally, I don't bite anybody ever, but I bit someone earlier today, and then it hurt them, and then I hurt you even. Yeah, bitch. Normally I don't bite anybody ever, but I bit someone earlier today, and then it hurt them, and then I hurt you even more on your penis. Okay.

Roll some damage for me, please. I got a four plus one. So plus five. Okay. So he is looking like a breeze could knock him over. A Bahama breeze. A Bahama breeze could knock him over. So now he has to save against falling.

Oh, yes. Fuck. Okay. He falls over. You rolled a seven, so he falls over again. Alright, we're going to do a roll for the grenade to see if the grenade

breaks when he falls over. Okay. Alright, I got a 13. I don't know if that means it broke or not. I feel like a low roll would mean that it broke. Okay, so the grenade thuds softly into the ground because it gets caught up in the weeds

and then he's trying to feebly reach for the grenade to pull the pin out. Damn. So that's what he's going to do on his turn is to try to take everybody out. Do we know that it's a grenade? You guys have no idea what it is. It's a ball. It's a ball. So we are now back at the top of the turn order and it's Freddy's turn.

I'm going to try and break on out. Once again, dexterity save against the vines. Strength save. Strength save against the vines. Oh, fuck. Negative one. Okay. This is bullshit. This is bullshit. Okay, it's my turn now. The druid looks at you and laughs.

He goes, eh, eh, eh. All right, so he is going to get up. Fuck, I guess, shit. It's the same problem as last turn. He would be, again, hitting himself with his own grenade. So he calls out to the heavens and says, save me. This is the weeniest little druid in the history of D&D. Save me from these four cats.

We're going to kill this guy. He says, save me, my lady. And he slams his fist on the grenade to break it. Or he's going to use his staff because he can see it. So he's going to try to smash it open with his staff. So he's going to do an attack roll. Are you going to one? And you got a 19.

Nice. Kiss my ass. So a big cloud of smoke erupts from this grenade. Suddenly everything's enveloped. Basically, I'm basing this on the sleep spell, which has like a really fun mechanic for how it works. Oh, the HP thing? Yeah.

This is basically a second level sleep spell. I'm going to roll 7d8, and that's how many hit points of sleep I can affect or his spell will affect. So does he still get the ability to choose who gets slept by it even though it's a grenade? We're going to go from lowest health to highest health. And that is how it goes. Okay.

So we rolled a 19. None of you guys have been hit yet, right? No. 7d8? 7d8. You only got 19. Wow. Yes, you got a 2, a 1, a 1, a 6, a 5, a 2, and a 2. This guy is the weakest dude of all time. With only Anthony Burch. At least I'm not Anthony Burch.

It's all the... Oh my God. How much health does everyone have again? 3, 5. 9. 9. 3 plus 5 is 8. All together, we are 26.

Okay, so it's 26 HP. 26. Yes. He has, and he's in the middle of the blast, he has 5 HP. Dude, that was just one more fucking swipe away. You are literally about to kill him. So that means he is falling asleep.

If I didn't go for his eye, we would kill him. 19, so minus 5 for him is 14 left. And then who has the lowest HP of you guys? Freddy. Me. Three, so minus 3. So Freddy falls asleep, which brings us to 11. Little catnap, little cat nap.

Who has the next five, five, six left. We both have nine HP, so we can't. And so then both of you stay awake. Everyone else passes out and you see everyone just kind of fall asleep. we definitely cuddle up,

Matt. No, you too. Yes. It's like, Oh my gosh. It's like one of those, like where the dog and the cat sleep together.

Oh my God. So you guys curl up and then the second the smoke starts to settle, you hear a crack of thunder in the sky. Give me like a wisdom saving throw, Beth, because you have this thunder phobia. 12. Okay, so you're able to keep your cool.

It's because I'm like, Finne, do you want to cuddle too? Kind of. There's a crack of thunder. Okay. And in a flash of light, someone appears before you and she's tall and she's elegant and she's got this beautiful mink coat on and she's got silver hair and a bone cigarette

handle in one hand and a whip in the other. And she says, Anthony, you dumb, dumb fucking idiot. I can't believe I got to bail your ass out again. And she cracks the whip and she misses. Oh, man.

Sticks and stones. And she goes, oh, you stupid dogs. Okay, is this Cruella DeVille? So I rolled to bite him twice while you were talking because I have advantage. The first one was a two. The second one was an 18, which means I get to do 1d6 plus one damage. Okay. And I rolled a four plus one, which is I get to do 1d6 plus one damage. Okay. Yeah, I rolled a four

plus one, which is five. Yes! So I tear his throat out. Well, he's on, he's knocked out now. Yeah, so it's even easier to attack him. Can you just kill someone? Yeah. Damn. Don't they go to death saves and shit like that? Well, I mean, if it's an NPC, they just died. NPCs don't have death saves. Oh, they don't? No. Alright!

It's up to you as a DM. I lean down gingerly to Anthony Burgess' neck and I tear his fucking throat out like he goddamn deserves. And then there's no other way for you to hear her name. Bethela DeMay looks aghast as she watches her henchman get his fucking throat ripped out

and she just, her eyes go wide and she goes, who are you? I go, je suis Beignet, baby. And I do the Beignet pose. All right, Beth, it's your turn. And my name's Cookie. I'm gonna bite her face. I'm gonna get a running start, though. It's gonna be really vicious.

All right, go for it. Okay. 14 plus 1, I guess i guess okay so that hits so roll damage we're gonna kill her too she's gonna have to save against being knocked down rolled a one one plus one two feels like her bites our bites knocking people down feels like the most powerful this is more powerful than anything we ever did in dungeon dragon it's so strong specifically the fact that it's four separate characters that all have a chance of knocking you down only three only three because uh yeah sorry three three separate characters have a chance to knock you down in one go strength saving throw or be knocked prone dc 10 plus strength it's also it's also rolling terribly right now he's also

rolling terribly and it's one bad guy action versus four good guy actions. It's like a lot. But yeah, no, this makes sense that this would happen this way. Okay, great. All right. So she gets knocked down. So whose turn is it? What's her turn now?

You guys are asleep. You guys don't get to try to wake up. How does sleep work? No, you don't get a saving throw on waking up. Sleep's actually kind of okay. Bethela DeMay. try to wake up how does sleep work no you don't get a saving throw on waking up it sleeps actually bethela de may it's her turn next because she went right after the late anthony birch right so she gets up and she's furious and she wants to crack that whip down on you so bad but she looks at the mangled corpse of her fucking former henchman and she says oh fuck this i'm out of here and she holds up a crystal and holds it up in front of the dog.

And another portal opens. And as if in a trance, the dog's eyes open and they're black. They're like glowing black. That's the big boy dog. Yeah. This is the very good boy, the big dog. And he walks straight through this magical portal. And she looks at the three of you and she says, don't come after me or I'll fucking kill you for what you did to my friend and then she dives into the portal after the dog and it closes so we're going after we're gonna kill her too yeah and then i think that mochi wakes up and sees this dead corpse of the fucking dude that we were fighting and i was like i know you guys won't but i'm gonna eat his face off okay so as you guys wake up, you hear a rumbling

in the sacred grove around you, and you hear the thumping of feet, just like, and it seems to be coming from all around you, and as you look up, you see 20 armored dogs emerge through the forest,

and riding on their back are 20 armored gnomes. And the leader of the gnomes trots up on her dog and looks down at you, horrified, and looks at this dead body and looks at the big divot in the grass where the very good boy used to be. And she goes, what have you done? Did I do that Fetch Quest a Dungeons and Daddies mini-series is Matt Arnold

as Donut Anthony Birch as Meñe Beth May as Cookie Freddie Wong as Mochi and myself Will Campos as the DM slash Doggy Master slash Alpha Dog.

Our theme song is by Maxton Waller. Cover art is by Alex Moore. Courtney Terrand is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis is our editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. And Marci Campos is our game design consultant.

Special thanks to our patrons for supporting this show, but extra special thanks this week to AquaGenetics, Brian Holt, Elizabeth Donaldson, Mike S., Caleb Willoughby, Mark Christie, Tom Allen, Dan Carter, Christina, Elizabeth, Oliver Del Mar, Ryder Kreider, Bill Sunderland, Joshua Archie, and Alex Lawler. Episode 2 of Fetch Quest will be out in two weeks, but you can hear it a week earlier by subscribing to our Patreon. That's like seven weeks in dog weeks. Not only do Patreon supporters get early access to Fetch Quest, they also get hours and hours of bonus content like cool one shots, uncut episodes, our Talking Dad actor show,

and even some pretty cool exclusive merchandise speaking of cool patreon stuff dad's bop the official remastered compilation of every musical intro from season one is our latest monthly bonus of indeterminate content and it's out now head on over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads to learn more and become a supporter today our next episode will be out november 30th and it's available to patrons November 23rd. Thanks as always for joining us and we'll see you next time. Just yesterday, Plato's like getting old so he can't really jump as high as he used to, but that doesn't stop him from jumping on me he just uses his claws we're allowed to talk about our pets no matter what for as long as we