Dungeons and Daddies - FETCH QUEST - Ep. 2 - Flea Collar Comedy Tour

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

The Dogs (and Cat) discover the beauty of the Hidden Valley, infiltrate Faerun's stand-up comedy scene, and make out a little.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, drug/alcohol use, and animal cruelty.DM is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Donut is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Beignet is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Cookie is Beth May (@heybethmay)Mochi is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song by Maxton WallerCourtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerChad Ellis is our editorTravis Reaves provides additional editingRobin Rapp is our transcriberMartzi Campos is our Game Design ConsultantCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Fetch Quest is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for big dogs. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to Fetch Quest, a Dungeons & Daddies miniseries about three dogs and a cat who get sucked through a portal from our world into a magical, dangerous land of high adventure and stinky scratchin' sniffs. And have to find their way home. I'm Will Campos, your Dungeon...

Hi, Alpha. Thank you. I was gonna say, I'm Will Campos, your Dungeon Master. The eye contact that Maggie and Will just did. I was trying to prove to him who was the alpha. Surely a rotter. I'm your Dungeon Master slash alpha dog. Can I get a woof woof for my pack, Matthew?

A woof, a woof. That's fucking right. Whatever you say, sir. Hey, everybody. So I'm Matthew Arnold. I'm playing Donut, an 11-year-old black lab who has lived his whole life in a truck stop. A little doggy fact about Donut is that he is very aware of where he poops, and he's ashamed of his poop, and he keeps his poop very clean.

He's ashamed of his poop? Because one of the earliest memories he has is that he pooped on the ground, and then Terry, his owner that he loves so much, stepped in it and cursed under her breath and was like, I think she was probably just having a bad day. But he's like, oh, my God, make sure I never do that to Terry ever again. So he makes sure his poops are nowhere near anybody so nobody could ever step in his poops where does he poop like where's his favorite poop stop you know like

the highway has like a little like gutter that goes underneath the whatever a water runoff yeah do not go near that water runoff it is just people go by they're like wow there's somebody living down there like it's like no that's just where the dog poops is that how donut found the little puppies was he was going to this morning AM, BM, found some puppers? He filled up one side of the highway. He's like, time to cross the other side. I got to get my poop going someplace else. And then he crossed the highway, which he wasn't supposed to.

And then he said he heard the little pups. Yeah, little pups with his poops. I like the idea that he's crossing the highway regularly for his forbidden poop for privacy. That's good. When he eventually gets hit by a car and dies, Terry's going to feel real guilty. Yeah. It's like if a bathroom on the other side of the house

has like a bidet or something. I'm using this as personal experience from a hotel that I once stayed in where it was like, I had the regular toilet. Gotta get that bidet. Hi, my name's Beth May and I play Cookie. Cookie's a two-year-old whippet, and she's a spy dog. Fun fact.

You know those. You know. You're just so excited every time you say that. I love it. It's like, she's a spy dog. Because of how much spying Cookie's been doing. It's just so obvious. Fun fact about Cookie

is that she was born somewhere in the United States, and here's where you guys are all wrong for laughing at my Agent Cody Banks thing. It's not like Agent Cody Banks, like the movie. Her owner, Agent Cody Banks, the currently deceased CIA spy, was Australian. And that's why even though Cookie was born in the United States.

So you're saying that this is just a CIA agent named Cody Banks. It's not related to the movie. That's what he wants you to think. Can you imagine a CIA agent named Cody Banks and it's not related to the movie. That's what he wants you to think. Can you imagine a CIA agent having the name Cody Banks when that movie comes out? Yeah.

Hey, Cody! Fuck! Oh, my God. Oh, the fucking boys in Langley are up my ass! I'm Anthony Burch. I play Beignet, a French poodle.

And Beignet's dog fact is that her owner, Kitty, at one point did a doggy movie marathon with Beignet to see which dog that her owner, Kitty, at one point did a doggy movie marathon with Beignet to see which dog she would be most receptive to on screen. And Beignet has the biggest crush of all the dogs that she saw on screen was Balto. Hell yes. Oh my God.

I get this. Like, oh my God. Yeah. I don't know what it is. You're a human. You should be careful. I know. I know that.

But honestly, somebody on Twitter. Beth is like shaking over there. Somebody on Twitter. you're a human you should be careful i know i know that but honestly somebody though somebody on twitter beth is like shaking over there somebody on twitter how is the mic wet what is going on somebody on twitter was talking about how hot robin hood fox is yeah that's that's the classic that's the or furry i'm just saying that like this is a common enough thing that i could say that kevin bacon as Balto is sex appeal. Six degrees of Balto, am I right? Fuck, marry, kill. Balto.

Fuck, don't do this to me. I'm marrying Balto. He saves children. The fox from Robin. The fox, obviously. I don't care who the third one is. They're dead. Okay, what's the third one?

Gigi from Kiki's Delivery Service. You're going to kill Gigi? Yes. She can't even talk anymore. You're going to murder Gigi, bro? Of course not. No, not Bolt. Shadow from Homeward Bound.

I don't know what you want me to do with Shadow. It's like you don't marry him. You're already married to him. It's obviously the bunny from Zootopia, right? Okay. That's just me. It is not just you, Matt. There are some friends who put you through that. I found the community. There's a lot of us. It is not just you, Matt. There are some friends who put me

through that community. There's a whole community, Matt. My name is Freddie Wong. I play the sole cat of the group Mochi. What the fuck did I say? American Bobtail Cat. I don't even know what that is. I'm not a pet owner. Very clearly.

Freddie, research your fucking character next time. I got some research. I got some research for you. So, Anthony, you said that your dog's owner was named Kitty. Mochi's former owner was Dog, the bounty hunter there. I love that. My dad. So it seems like you and Agent Cootie Banks' dogs really get along. I like the idea that Dog had you for a day.

A hot minute. It was like, I'm getting rid of this fucking cat. The cat fact for this week. I thought that was it. No, no, no, no. This is a real one. Of course, Mochi knows who Ben Yeh is. From his vantage point behind the counter at the vet's office.

That's just YouTube. What do you think those receptions are watching? Pet YouTube. They all on pet YouTube. Pet YouTube on the computer. Pet TikTok on the computer pet tiktok on the phone just pet content so of course mochi is well aware of the outsized reputation like trying to neg beignet is that what's going on right now secretly is trying to like get tips

because mochi secretly wants to be a pampered mega star cat. Oh, so it's like a shitty All About Eve situation. Yes. Beth, are you all right? I remember. Beth's crying. I remember. Beth is weeping right now. I remember you in the third hot air.

It's when, it's in Lion King when Simba gets old. Oh, now you got an answer. How many did he kill? Oh, no. And he, like, pins down. Yeah. In the fucking montage when he's swinging his head back and forth. Yeah, you hear that mane.

He's got attitude. Yeah, not killing him still. Sorry. Yeah, I would kill him, too. He's too still. Sorry. Yeah, I would kill him too. He's too immature. All right, on that, Bob, let's dive into this story. We'll pick up right where we left off

with you guys standing over the brutally mangled body of the late Anthony Birch, hireling of the wicked Bethel Ademe, who just absconded with the very good boy. Mochi boy eating his face mochi is eating anthony's face because that's the thing cats do right i mean when they're starving do it immediately yeah like yes it has happened where they find a corpse of somebody who nobody

knew they were dead for a long time and then their cats around and the face is gone because like hey cats gotta eat and then you don't use that like it means cats are worse than dogs or some shit it's just like no dogs are fucking dumb as all it is cats are gonna survive just fucking anyways dog people am i right uh yeah cats and dogs are both perfect i agree there's nothing wrong with any of them you heard a rumbling in the woods and you now find yourself surrounded by 20 armored dogs ridden by 20 adorable rosy-cheeked gnomes one of the gnomes uh she seems like the leader because her little helmet has a cool feather plume sticking out of it. She hops off her dog mount and looks around in shock. She says, by the tiny god of the gnomes,

the very good boy is gone. She turns to glower at all of you. You interlopers. How came you to defile this sacred place? And what have you done with the very good boy? I look up, mouth full of Anthony's face, and I point kind of down at this. It was his fault.

Yes, you see, It was his fault. Ah, yes, you see, it was not as we came here simply to get back home. We come from another realm. That said, you may still recognize me, Ben Yeh from Instagram. I do not recognize you, Ben Yeh of Instagram. Tis not a land I have heard of. So Ben goes, ah, and like it freezes in the knowledge that somebody hasn't recognized her. Wait, but do you guys have Instagram?

We know not of, who is, but do you guys have Instagram? We know not. Who is this Instagram? Who is this Instagram? Is he some sort of dark wizard? Is he your boss manipulating the strings? How came you to know the location of the very good boy? With the noses? We smelled him.

You old pathetic dog. What say you? You seem to be the elder of this group. Yeah, we just, We got here and there's this big dog and we could smell him. He smelled really good. You could smell the very good boy? We smelled it really well.

But that must mean... Bahama breeze and all sorts of things. Yeah, we were really good at smelling it. That can't be. And so Belita, which is her name. She blinked. Belita Floppy Feet, which I got off of Name Generator. Name Generator. She staggers back and looks at the other gnomes,

and they start to share worried looks. But then like a little snarky, cynical gnome in the back of the room goes, it could be they speak the truth, Belita. But I, Fulger's Hazelnut, say this must be human trickery. Hey, can I ask you for something? What say you, old shitty dog? I roll over and just present my belly and go, I could use a rub. I just start just rolling around wanting a belly rub.

And that gets like a big aww from like half of the gnomes. And then Folgers glares at them and they're like. Excuse me. This can't be human trickery because we're not humans. We're dogs. Yes, but who is this man on the ground in front of you? And just like the worst bloody hairball comes out from Mochi's head. This was, you may not have Instagram, but do you have beta cucks in this world?

This was one of those. That's a good dating map. Beta Cucks, spelled C-U-X-X, is one of the most foul necromancers in this land. Yeah, maybe he was a disciple of him. I don't know, I don't know. If so, he's not a very good necromancer because this motherfucker dead.

He's not coming back. So, yes, clearly there should be some sort of parade you would probably want to throw for us, us having gotten rid of this horrible druid person, yes? It still doesn't answer the question. No dog of this world is able to find their way to this grove. Only those who are indoctrinated into the order of the very good boy know this secret. Well, we're not from this world.

I stretch out my belly and I go, yeah, people in our world, they rub a dog's belly when they do. They sure do. Oh my God, do I have to do it? Okay, and then Benya goes over and starts trying to rub trying to rub your belly, but, like, it's a poodle. So just because... And, like, kind of just jumps onto your... Step aside.

Let me show you how it's done. And now Mochi gets in on the action. How's this? We're both just massaging your belly. So I want Freddy to roll because those claws probably scratch real good. Like, if a cat was, like, not trying to scratch the dog, it would give really good belly scratches. All right. Give me a belly scratch roll. Yeah. Are you making biscuits, actually? Yeah., like, not trying to scratch the dog, would give really good belly scratches. All right, give me a belly scratch roll.

Yeah, are you making biscuits, actually? Yeah. What should I roll? What is the... Animal handling. Animal handling. Yeah, give me...

Yeah, that's... It's wisdom. Okay, it feels like animal handling is appropriate. Nine out of 20. You take one damage, Matt. Oh, God, it's like... One damage!

You did what Anthony Birch couldn't. Oh! And at the sound of your warbling pain, one of the dogs gives an indignant Hrmph! You gnomes

should be ashamed that none of you would offer a belly scritch to a fellow dog that we have to stand here and watch a cat do it? And then one of them says, hey, you know the rules, Walby. Cats are welcome in this forest as long as they don't start any shit. He says, don't quote the cat rules to me. I was there

when they were written. So you have rules about the treatment of a particular species? That's a little weird. A little bit weird, yes. I don't know about, again, you don't have Instagram or TikTok, so you don't know, but that's kind of fucked up. We don't have anyone challenging us on our views because we're a very nested community. But hail and well met, fellow puss.

You're a product of incest too? I'm your friend. Oh my God. I am Walby, disciple of the very good boy. Oh. Hi, Walby. And I say any dog

in this realm gets a fair shake and every dog gets his day. But I must ask, what proof do you have that you come from another world? Cookie offers up her paw to shake. A fair shake.

He bows his head. Okay. And then your paw lands on his head, I guess. Yeah. And then he notices your thunder shirt and he smells it. He says, such a strange scent, like nothing I've ever smelled before. We also have, when we get lost, you all have the collars, right?

Is this? And I show my collars. There's like a message. Do you have this world here? Some sort of strange rune, a language which I've never seen before. Could it be true? And then this very old dog from

like in the back of the army kind of emerges, like this big old shaggy sheep dog. And he says, by the very smelly butt of the very good boy, they must be from one of the lost tribes! And then there's gasps erupt from all of the gnomes as they all start murmuring, like,

oh, oh, oh, the Lost Tribe, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the old dog steps up to all of you and bows and he says, it's an honor to meet you, Lost brothers and sisters. Please follow us to our home. There is something you must smell. Quick question. Do I get any bonuses from eating Anthony's face? You get

the satisfaction of having done that. What about a plus one temporary hit point? Sure, alright, I'll allow that. But you lose it by the time we get there. Since he had a cool grenade on him, can I search his body to see if he had anything else on him? Oh, yes, you can. Alright, am I rolling what is that? Investigation, I guess?

Sure. That is a... That was a metal dice on the table. That's what that was. Yeah, sorry. That is a 12. With a 12? Oh, you know what you find? You find 10 copper pieces. Uh... Disgusting. I'm gonna leave them there.

Okay. No, no, Benye, this may be important. I would have to carry them in my mouth. I'm not going to do that. You could carry them in my shirt. Oh, this Thunder Shirt's called Pockets. Yes, yes. Let's feed them into the pockets. And then we spent 20 minutes without opposable thumbs trying to shove coins.

You spent 20 minutes doing that. The old wise dog, Glimtweet, again goes, okay, so- None of the gnomes help, by the way. They're just like, we have opposable thumbs. Fuck them. Fishes are tough in this world. Belita Floppyfeet sees what you're doing and is like, here, yeah, I'll help you with that so we can keep going. No, no, no, no, it's way. They're just like, we have impossible thumbs. Fuck them. Fishes are tough in this world. Belita floppy feet sees what you're doing

and is like, here, yeah, I'll help you with that so we can keep going. No, no, no, no, it's fine. We can do it. Okay, all right. This is very strange customs

these outlanders have. Should we go with them or should we? Do you have a better idea? No. There you have it. Allons-y! And she trots away

and also the way that Bengi trots is like the right two legs and then the left two legs. Oh my God. Oh my God. Like it's a little jaunty hawk. A little dressage. Sad.

That means it's been abused. All of the dogs are very impressed. And then some of them try to do it, but they're kind of stumbling around. Mochi's kind of trying to quietly do it too, but way in the back where no one will see him. This dog procession leads you through the forest folgers the gnome glares suspiciously and he's like i don't he doesn't quite trust you guys yet so uh the gnomes and the dogs lead you on a winding path through the enchanted forest after hours of travel you crest a hill and discover a beautiful hidden

valley below oh it's where they make the ranch. That's what we call a setup for that joke. Did you know that ranch sauce actually is from hidden valley? The place was called hidden valley. Wow. But they lost it. So they bought, they sold the... God, this is so fucking funny, dude. I'm so fucking

glad that I subscribed to this Patreon to hear this fucking hot hidden value joke. If you want a cool sauce story, I will tell cool sauce stories on the Patreon because I love the fact that there's always new sauces coming out, okay? What was the cool story?

It's just that... Did you not hear it, man? Are you kidding me? That's a banger? Holy shit. Could you tell it it, Matt? It was pretty incredible. Are you kidding me? That's a banger? Holy shit. Could you tell it again, Freddie? Yeah, so. Because Hidden Valley Ranch is the actual original place that it was from.

And the whole valley kind of smells like ranch dressing. You realize that the main export of this valley is ranch dressing. That's what they make here. Wow. They serve all of the restaurants in Fayetteville. They're disgusting. I was going to call it Glendale. I thought that would be funny. That's cute. It's kind of the restaurants in Faerun. They're disgusting. I was going to call it Glendale. I thought that would be funny.

That's cute. But it's kind of Hidden Valley now. So welcome to the Hidden Valley. You crest this hill. Rolling farmland stretches out across the valley. It's the most beautiful place you've ever seen. As you make your way across the golden sun-soaked hills, you see dogs and gnomes working and living together in total harmony.

Dogs perform all sorts of jobs for the gnomes, towing carts, working plows and mills, guarding crops, while gnomes in turn perform all sorts of tasks and jobs for the dogs. There's an official belly rubber, they give them baths and cook them food. You even see a bunch of dogs lined up for their turn with the official Glendale slash Hidden Valley ball thrower, and they're

playing fetch out in the woods. It's truly a paradise. This is some kind of socialist nonsense. Mochi who's libertarian says. Oh my god. Donut runs straight for the belly rubber. Oh, hey there. And I just lean down. Present my belly. You're a very good boy, aren't you?

What's your name? Donut. I like the idea that Donut, when there's like a little hill coming down into it, so you got into belly rub position like 40 feet up the hill. You also cut the line in front of like 16 other dogs. But Fizzy Bizzle, the gnome, senses that you really need

a good belly rub. So he's like, oh, I'm sorry. This is a belly rub emergency for a very, very good boy. Just like the very good boy. Oh, yes, you are. Ben Ye is going to head over to Donut and try to doggy slap him

in the face. Do not be tempted by these temptations. What are you doing? I have a world to get back to. You are not going to keep us here just because you want some affection that you would not get from your master, unlike me. Golly gee whiz, it sounds like there's a big fancy poodle here who could use a little scritch behind the ears. Do not touch me unless you subscribe to my Patreon.

You're right, Ben Yeh. It's just, you know, when you get as old as I am, you realize there's only so much time. And if we're going to get through this, just a good belly rub is going to help me keep going. But you're the leader. I'll do what you need to do. If this was a Disney movie, this is the cue for a belly rub song right there. Sometimes a dog just needs a belly rub. Benye, can I ask you a question?

You can ask, Ace. Does your master give you belly rubs? Oh, poor, simple, stupid donut. My master has evolved beyond needing to give me belly rubs. Belly rubs was what she did to me a long time ago when we were first looking at the box. But now we've gotten to the point in our relationship where the mere absence of belly rubs is itself a belly rub, you stupid fool, you dumb idiot. Gee whiz, you know what we

gnomes call that is a rationalization. Sounds like... I'm sorry, I don't speak a gnome. Well, we, I mean, you're, okay. It seems like they like belly rubs here, so, like, you could get more famous if you just, like... Moi? More famous? No, no more more famous no no no no more famous

you can start a whole trend of belly rubs oh you're a big stupid dog aren't you she says cookie is shivering clockwise in a circle around um beignet and donut. Everything is so nice here, but I think we should get back home. I'm scared. Yeah. We got three starving puppies. I got to get back home as soon as possible. I know that there's definitely a crime that I'm supposed to be solving, and I'm supposed to be telling my boss, Agent Cody Banks,

maybe you've heard of him, about it. So if we can identify the target of the crime and then also the crime and then also why we're here then we could go back and tell everybody about it nobody knows this but i'm a spy dog wow well you know even spy dogs need belly rubs if you want one oh i don't know i'm a professional spy dog and i'm very fast so maybe uh i i should be yeah sure i'm sorry okay so she tries to give you a belly rub but she's like oh it seems like you've got and I'm very fast, so maybe I should be... Yeah, sure. Oh, don't do that. No, no. I'm sorry. Okay, so she tries to give you a belly rub,

but she's like, oh, it seems like you've got... I'm doing your Australian accent. And I was like, oh, well, seems like you got... What was my... What was I doing? Now it's Australian. Oh, sorry. Sounds like I'm picking up your accent a little bit.

Golly gee whiz. I've never heard this before. What a flawless accent. Thank you. Fizzle Bizzle sort of frowns when she sees your Thunder shirt. She's like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to give you a very good belly rub with this armor on. Fizzle Bizzle starts peeling back the Velcro on the Thunder shirt.

I think that like a note falls out that says like, to anyone who finds this dog, it's me, Asian Cody Banks. If I didn't make it, please make sure that this dog finds its way to my also lost daughter elizabeth banks director of pitch perfect yes i've done a lot of things i regret but nothing more than leaving behind my my little lizzie thank god he got her that start in hollywood though fizzle fizzle the gnome picks up this note and looks at it and goes i can't read read this. Neither can I. Well, I'm just going to tuck this back in there. And, you know, maybe someone will be able to translate that for you back wherever you're going. Sure.

Where is the very good boy? The only way for us to get home is to find him. Some woman showed up, some sort of witch. She had a whip or something like that. Now I turn Russian. We're looking for whoever the fuck took the very good boy. At that moment, you see Fizzle Bizzle's eyes go wide with fear. He's like, the very good boy is missing?

What do you mean? And then immediately, Belita and Folgers ride up on Walby and Folgers' dog, Francis Ford Puprilla. Oh my God. And say, sorry, we're on official gnome home business here, so if you could just let, we need to move along with these dogs.

Everything will be explained if you just follow us, okay? Oui, oui follow us okay so then they marshal you guys along through the valley and as you leave you see sort of like a worried look on fizzle bissell's face as she processes what you just said you march through the farmland and at last you arrive at the small city of gnome home it's like a classic bustling medieval town full of cobblestone streets and courtyards only at like half to quarter scale because it's a gnome city and gnomes and dogs alike are gawking at you as you make your way through the streets a strut word has already kind of spread through the town of your arrival you hear whispers all around you like look there they are they don't seem that special to me and then someone's like that's because you don't have a dog nose to smell them they're definitely from far far away glimtweet folgers

bolita walby and francis ford popola lead you to a castle at the center of town. They lead you in, and you see, like, this basically this bustling center of the gnome dog government. There's, like, a high council of gnomes and dogs seated around, like, a round dinner bowl. What about individual freedoms? Are they playing poker? They're all discussing affairs of state,

and they rise to you and bow as Belita leads you into a well-guarded inner sanctum. And inside this sanctum is the biggest dog turd you've ever seen in your life. That is the big bite of shit. It's the biggest single turd I've ever seen. Not the most turds I've ever seen. Old Glimtweet nods to all of you and says,

this is what we call the Lord Dump. Every poop tells a dog story. But to understand yours, you must smell his. What if we don't want to read the story? Well, then one of them can smell it and explain it to you, I guess. Yeah, I'm already smelling it.

I'm there. I'm just smelling it. Whiff, I beseech you. All right, so Matt, as you smell this big dump, you see the very good boy running. No scratch and sniff for me? No scratch and sniff.

Oh, yeah. Will brought a bag full of stuff. And I was terrified he was going to take a turd out of his fucking bag. A large bag. So fucking metal. Yeah. Here's a turd. Holy shit.

Will, you're guaranteed you never get to DM again. Hey, congratulations. No, no, no. That bags for later. As you smell the big dump, a cosmic vision fills your mind. You see the very good boy running through an ethereal forest. He looks terrified. There's blood on his face.

Oh, God. And clinging to his back are dozens and dozens of adorable puppies. Behind him, you hear the ominous pounding of footsteps and the shadows of a giant man stalking through the trees. The very good boy steals a glance over his shoulder, back at his pursuer, then skids to a halt on the lip of a cosmic abyss. Beneath him, he sees a terrifying drop into a swirling ocean of stars, the multiverse. The Very Good Boy trembles in fright.

The footsteps behind him get louder and louder. There's a rustling T-Rex-esque shake of the trees. And then the hunter emerges from the woods, a bow and arrow in his hands. He locks eyes with the Very Good boy. He grips his bow. The very good boy shuts his eyes and leaps into the ocean of stars below. Dude, this is how Myst started. It's like Myst. Is this how Myst started? That's how Myst started. Well, not...

Minus the whole, like, you know, being hunted. The game Myst? Yeah, the game Myst, bro. Oh, fuck. Atrus is being chased by his dad and he jumps into a pool of stars and the book goes to Earth. The very good boy falls and falls and falls. Among the realities- This was just bragging about giving up its kidney.

Wait, is the- Stop it. Wait, okay. Is the hunter the same size as the dog? It's like a very big hunter. It's bigger than the dog. It's like a- Oh my God.

Like Paul Bunyan. Yeah, like a Paul Bunyan. Jesus. The very good boy falls and falls. I think we need to find the red pages. All right. There's a cat that wants blue pages and a dog that wants red pages. No,. There's a cat that wants blue pages and a dog that wants red pages.

No, she's like, bring me the blue pages. No, no, no, do like this and bring me red pages. As the Very Good Boy falls through the multiverse, among the realities swirling about him, he senses a safe haven, a forest, where he can hide and protect his pups. But as he struggles to swim towards it, the turbulent waves of space-time

knock many of the puppies off his back, and they're sucked away from him towards other worlds. Dang, sucks. Sorry, go ahead. Damn. The very good boy gives a mournful wail and with a blast of magic that takes all of his energies, he imparts onto those lost puppies

his special ability to always recognize his scent so they can find their way home. His strength gone, he crashes into this plane, into this world of Faerun, into this very forest, into this interactive seedy multimedia experience of 1995 by Broderbund Software. His strength gone, he crashes to the ground into this strange forest of illusions.

His remaining puppies safely dismount and he falls into a deep slumber. And as you see that, the vision ends and you snap back to reality. Oops, there goes gravity. Mochi raises his hand like, at what point did he take a shit? So, Mochi, do you want to know what you smell?

Have you smelled it yet? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I'll take a whiff. Okay, so, Mochi, weirdly, when you smell the lore dump, you don't see any of this. You see your own lore. You see an ancient race of celestial cats

called the Jellicles. Oh my god. And they sent their descendants to live in the alleyways and train depots and abandoned theaters of all the mortal realms so they could live fabulous lives and return one day to tell their tales of adventure in the Heaviside Lair.

Oh yeah. The Four Knights team is based on these creatures. It's all connected. Love it. Mochi blinks and goes, am I, am I a jellicle? That's a pen. Are you blind when you're born? Fuck, I wish I fucking knew it. That would be so metal.

We'll add it in post, Beth, don't worry. Okay. We did not add this in post. All of the gathered gnomes and dogs are looking at you, their eyes brimming with emotion, and Walby steps forward and says, the very good boy came to this world for safety. We,

his descendants, spread far and wide across the world of Faerun and call this place our home. Belita, his person, steps forward and says, and we, the gnomes of this forest, take care of the very good boy and look after any of his pups that return home. Well, really, they look after us. It's kind of a who rescues who situation.

Walby says, we never thought we would meet any actual members of the Lost Tribes, but here you are, and we would be honored to smell your butts. Oh, yeah, I thought you already did. No, we hadn't this whole time, but now we would like to. If you smell our butts,

will you realize that we're actually not members of the Lost Tribes? There's only one way to find out and they smell your butts. Yeah, I smell their butts. They realize that you guys were telling the truth

the whole time and that you guys really are from this other world. That jives with their thing. We're like descendants of these other Lost Puppies. Yes, these Lost Puppies that basically went to other worlds

like Earth, essentially. Oh my gosh. Okay. Wait, my gosh. Okay. Wait, quick pitch. The Lost Boys poster, but it's the Lost Good Boys. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Not bad.

It's nice to know where you came from, but honestly, I'm a little bit more concerned about where we're going. So if we could just get out of, we just need to get home. But you are home. You've returned home to the forest. No, home is where Terry is. I see. You have people in this other world that you wish to

go back to. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Well, not that one. What do you mean? Oh. Oh. Because I read the note and I can understand and read human language. So I go, you know what? Never mind. Tell it to me straight, Mochi.

I can take it. Who's your human? Well, he's a great. The short version, please. Cody Banks. When was the last time you saw Cody? Well, we were at a greyhound bus station. I know what you're thinking, but I'm actually a whippet, not a greyhound.

And I'm much faster than most greyhound bus station. I know what you're thinking, but I'm actually a whippet, not a greyhound. And I'm much faster than most greyhounds as well. I was at a greyhound bus station and he said, I have to take a call. Oh my God, it's like Frankie Muniz is right here.

I have to take a call if something happens to me. We should let people know that we do not have Frankie Muniz here though, right? Yeah, just a disclaimer. Just legally, we do have to say. Yeah, we do have to say that he's not actually here.

If you ask somebody if they're Frankie Muniz, legally, they have to tell you. And then he went to a payphone. He looked around, sort of shifted his eyes, and then a man came up and shot him. Well, okay, then. I suppose that answers that question. All moving on what question i think he's dead i don't know what that means but oh all right so you'll never see him again just like when i die terry will never see me again and i'll never see terry again it's just dead oh i'm so sick of you talking about how you're going to die We know We know you're going to die It's going to be great

Oh Because I won't hear about it anymore No because I won't hear about it anymore because I don't like you Kishona rolls over for a belly rub

She's got all wet eyes Lolita just sort of instinctively goes to rub you boy That's okay That's okay Oh it sounds like you guys have like

a lot going on and assuming you don't want to live here in bliss and splend like you guys have like a lot going on and assuming you don't want to live here in bliss and splendor with the rest of the gnomes and the dogs here the very good boy could definitely send you home it's just i wish this reunion had happened under happier circumstances before i commit to one world or the other some questions i don't think they cared if you stayed here you shut up i'm I'm talking to this one. Yes, the cat. Brands of food available, dry or wet. We have wet dog food here.

We must find this dog immediately. We must find this dog and get out of this cursed realm. We're right on the same page because, you see, this forest protects the very good boy from the wrathful gaze of that hunter you saw in your vision. And as long as he's out there in the world, it's only a matter of time until the hunter finds him and hunts him down. Plus who knows whatever other blah, blah,

blahs may occur now that the very good blah is blah, blah, blah. What was that? Oh, you know, I just mean that because blah, blah,

blah, we could blah, blah, blah. Why are you saying blah, blah, blah? But,

but you guys can hear what I'm blah, blah, blah, right? So all of a sudden, all of the dogs get very concerned. And they're like, oh, no. Oh, no, what's happening?

Can you understand me? Yeah, I can hear you, dog. Belita looks very concerned. She goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And Glimtweet, the grim old gray shaggy sheepdog, shudders. And he says, oh, I feared this might happen. It is the presence of the very good boy's magic that allows the gnomes to understand us. With him gone,

their ability to know the dog language is fading as well. Can they cast speak with animals? They don't really know that spell because they never had to use it all these years ago. There's like one druid. He knows it, but it's only good for a couple of minutes. Oh, we killed that guy. There's like a nervous energy starts to erupt around the room.

Walby, you know, looks around and says, but you don't understand our ability to speak with each other is the very bedrock of gnome dog society. And then you see like one of the dogs at the door, just like kind of scratching at the door. He's like, someone let me out of here.

I need to poop. I need to poop. His person is like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, flu, food, food. And he's like, no, no, poop, damn it. And he bursts the door open. And like immediately, just chaos has erupted in the gnome dog kingdom. You see like the high council, like the dogs and gnomes are freaking out. For some reason, there's fires already starting to burn in the city.

Two gnomes are just beating the shit out of each other. Like not explained at all. People are yelling at each other about being on leash or off leash. It's chaos out there. Ah, dog, Twitter has made it to this round. You see all this chaos erupting around. These gnomes are desperately trying to communicate with dogs,

and dogs are shrugging like, no, you don't understand what I'm saying. But I can understand. But you can understand everything. It's like a tragic comedy. Listen, listen, no, listen. I can be your new god. Gnomes, dogs, I will be the great Arbiter of communication. And ironically, none of the gnomes can understand you

either anymore. You're probably meowing really cute. Yeah, like Mochi's up on the parapet, just like trying to shout to the crowd and no one can understand you. Oh, and then I fall. You just start knocking over things. I start knocking over things to get attention.

And then I fall and there's a line and it's like, hang in there, cat, you know? Oh my god. And I let go pretty quick because I don't have any interest in staying around here. There's a gnome who sees that from across the thing and goes, and immediately starts drawing. And in six years, he's the richest gnome who ever lived. The richest gnome.

Glimtweet looks at you guys and says, You four, you can smell the very good boy. You can follow his scent. Venture forth and find him. we beseech you bring him home I wish we could join you but we must tend to the gnomes our companions we must keep whatever semblance of this society together otherwise there will be no home

for the very good boy to come back to good luck with that bro Cookie's having an absolute existential crisis she's just like I guess there's no home for me to go back to anyway there's no agent Cody Banks or anything. I guess the only way to avenge my man, light of my life, Cody Banks, is to be the best goddamn spy dog ever.

Just to be the absolute goodest girl. Just spy all the time. Be so fast and so good at solving crimes. Yeah, we'll help you spy what is what is spying and then a cool fucking dog rounds the corner with an eye patch and like a grizzled goatee he's like i'll tell you what spying is i'm barks mcgee a long time ago i'm the spy master around here. And I can tell, Cookie, you've got the makings of a great spy.

Because being a spy is all about heart. Being a spy is about... Is that what it's about? It's all about heart, everyone. We have a story out here about Agent Cody Barks, the greatest dog spy that ever lived. Oh my God, Agent Cody Barks? He was my mentor, and he taught me that being a spy

was about believing in yourself and sneaking around in the shadows and doing what's right. Doing your homework. And doing your homework. And doing what you need to do to stand up for justice.

Ain't nothing the CIA says a dog can't be a spy. Yeah. By the order of the silent paw, which I'm a part of, I indoctrinate all of you to be spies for me. No, I'd like to opt out.

I don't give a shit about this spy. Alright, well, fuck you then. This is the best day of my life. You're a spy, Cookie. And he dips his paw in some ink and puts like a black paw mark on your thunder shirt. Hell yeah.

And then he says, and for the rest of you, I've got some equipment to help you on your journey. And he hands you a little doggy bag full of biscuits. And he says, a little doggy bag full of biscuits. And he says, do not eat these right away. I ate, how many were there? Yeah, you should definitely roll to see how many I ate before that stopped here. Oh, give me a D6.

How many were there? There were six. Oh, okay. I feel like I ate three. Okay. Oh my god. You have three biscuits of healing. If you're ever injured, these biscuits will restore your health. I see you already ate some of them. I know it's tempting,

but these should be only for emergencies. Strap them on my back. I will carry them. No, I will keep them here. I ate another one. Oh my God. I would really recommend you get them away from him. I need to tend to spy affairs of state.

We need to keep these gnomes. Can we each get six? No, these are all the ones. I don't trust you to eat all of state. We need to keep these gnomes from- Can we each get six? No, these are all the ones we have. I don't trust you to eat all of them. Who wants the last one? Because I just ate one. Oh my God. I grab it, I grab it,

and I strap this doggy bag backpack on. It would make sense if I ate them when we left, but we're like, we're still here, right? Can you just like go get more? Are there only six in this whole town? We'll wait. Maybe he just slapped you. It's so sad that you ate these before

I slapped you in the fucking face. You're making such a bad impression on our spy master? Oh, I'm sorry. Can I have six more biscuits? No more biscuits for you. That's the only biscuit. We need the rest of these biscuits in case we get hurt trying to keep the Gnome Society together. Now off with you. Go find

the very good boy. But wait, you haven't considered this this and i do the beignet pose and i get a uh 18 mochi is like oh sorry 20 not a natural 20 but a 20 okay so time slows down for barks mcgee and that song daydreamer starts playing oh my god there's like a sparkle that's probably from the fires in the distance but like, you've never looked more fucking fabulous and sexy. I was going for like, sad,

please give me the tree. I thought it was like you're doing your voguing pose. Yeah, I was going, but with a hint of sadness. Okay, well,

too bad. Too bad, I guess I'm sexy. It's like an American apparel model or something. Yeah, exactly. Barks McGee quivers

and he just likes Trump and says, well, I suppose we could find a couple more. Yeah, exactly. Barks McGee quivers and he just likes Trumbull and says, well, I suppose we could find a couple more. Here you go. Here you go, ma'am. What's your name again? It's just me, Beignet.

What a cool spy. I've never been more invested in a love story. Beignet. Well, I'm very, very glad to make your acquaintance. Enchanté. And I extend a paw.

And he just very nervously and tenderly licks your paw. And I slap him. I go, no, no, no. You can look, but you cannot touch. I'm sorry. We have different customs in this world. Just please, please take these. Please take these. And good luck. It would be terrible if something happened to you. That sounded like a threat.

No, I meant that to be like an emotional thing. Like, I would be very sad. It came up like a threat. Maybe next time. We'll talk about that in a moment. I'll think about it. So I meant that to be like an emotional thing. Like, I would be very sad. It came up like a threat. Maybe next time. We'll soak it back in a little bit. I'll think about it. All right, so how many of these healing ones do we have? You have six. I have six.

I'm not sharing them. So it sounds like a spy is really good at getting things done, right? They sure are. And you didn't want to do a belly rub cookie. Maybe you should. Maybe you're the leader because you're a spy now. Well, I just found out what spy means, and I like it because I am a spy dog. Yeah.

Leader, I need some more explanation. You fucking idiots. While I'm waiting, I think that somebody else should be a leader. I'm pretty sure I lead us. I got six more biscuits before this ding-dong ate them all. So once again, I'm going to show my nose. Show of paws, who wishes to follow me? I raise all four of my paws.

Make an acrobatics check. He just goes on his back and puts his paws up. Yeah. Okay. That's fine. That's very cute. That's such a trailer moment for this movie. Like they're all arguing like show of hands. I vote for me and then like all four legs go up. That's great. The music cuts out. And then punches out your eyes. They're all from the same person. He's like what guys?

Three dogs are just licking their balls not in a children's movie yeah this is not being a children's movie a long time ago the more we talk the more my Insta followers are dropping by the second

we need to just follow our noses and go in the direction of the very good boy we need six more biscuits for each of us no you're just going to eat

them you big dumb idiots so Barks McGee who ran off to go like quell a gnome uprising he's just running back the other way like a big to quell one that's what spies do is they quell uprisings using the power of friendship interesting those racial tensions changed real quick now they're uprisings just again you know man and animal comprehend each other across a sea of incomprehension. They had a bond, and now it's broke. The root of all evil is often misunderstanding. People just kick it along. Anyway, he runs by with a big bucket of water

to go douse a fire. Are you guys still here? Go. Get out of here. Allons-y. Yes, let's go. That's not really judgy. We're going to go.

You're following the scent. You're able to make your way through the forest because you've got a pretty good lock on it. Yeah, I want to sidle up with Ben, yeah. It appears we are sharing leadership duties. If that's what you'd like to believe, yes, sure. Yes. Honestly, that's a sign of a good leader,

that she makes other people feel like they are leaders. So thank you for the compliment. Cookie sidles up next to Donut. Looks like we're both following. It's a lot of fun, right? No, it's good. I love it. Yeah following it's a lot of fun right no it's it's good it's this i love it yeah it's great it's i who did you used to follow i miss my i miss terry well i used to follow agent cody banks oh i'm sorry forever in our hearts yeah but now i've got my own mission to be the best spy dog ever since Box McGee.

And that means I'm a good girl and I'm very fast. What are you going to do when you get home? Be a good girl and be very fast. Where are you going to go? I haven't thought about that. Oh, okay. I got three puppies I got to go find and bring them home. Maybe you could, I mean, you're not a puppy, but maybe you can come back too.

Terry likes dogs. I mean, you're not a puppy, but maybe you can come back to Terry likes dogs. I mean, that'd be, that'd be great. I I'm very fast. And I don't know. I'm going to cry. We keep talking about,

okay. It's just Terry likes dogs and I don't know how much longer I'm an old dog. And then I'm, yeah, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be. Yes. A placement dog. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Maybe the same thing. Let's, um, I Oh. Hit him on the rebound. Maybe Terry will do the same thing. I try to eat one of the biscuits from Betty. From the back. No, no. Because I have one left. You're trying to eat it off of my back.

Yeah, I'm trying to eat it off you. I'm getting sad. Wait until you have one. Oh, from his. Okay, yes. Give me a sleight of hand roll. Sleight of snout. Sleight of snout roll.

Oh, my God. Oh, finally a good roll. That's a 13 plus one. I mean, sorry, a 19 plus one. That's a 13 plus one. I mean, sorry, a 19 plus one. 13 plus one. Hell yeah, bro. Get a fucking 13. Eat it.

Freddy, you get an opposed perception check. I don't think I'm going to be able to tell the difference. But then I'm going to bite you. I roll a 15. Okay, so you were able to sneak that? I still think that there's one waiting for me. You know what? I feel like you, because you've done this before that treat. I still think that there's one waiting for me. You know what? I feel like you, because you've done this before,

like it's like an Indiana Jones swap where you're able to get the treat and then like hawk like a hairball. There's a rock. I picked up a rock. Yeah, you swapped a rock in there so that he can't tell the difference. I can't bite the biscuit in half

and offer half of it to a cookie. Oh no, I would never. I'm a spy dog. I ate it. Okay. Last time I do that. I just want to say Ben Yama

I'm familiar with your work on stage and screen oh Ashante always a pleasure to meet a fan yes yes it's just I was trying to get

my own thing going the other day and I was just wondering if you had maybe little tips some tips for you want to do a crossover video

or something like that I promote your channel you promote mine yes I've done the song and dance before yes yes yes

I've worked with Shane Dawson's cat and let me tell you it will not happen again. Non, non, non, non, non. Messy, messy. No thank you. Oh no. Alright. Fuck, that's the funniest joke in this podcast.

You follow the scent out of the forest and soon it takes you to a long winding dirt road that runs through Faerun. Are there any butterflies? Yeah, there's a butterfly. I started chasing a butterfly. Look, butterfly Bentley. I'm just chasing a butterfly. So I'm going to close my ears.

I'm no longer paying attention. The butterfly, whose name is Steven, realizes you're chasing him and goes, could you not? Oh, now I try to eat him. All right, give me an attack roll. 13. Matt, don't kill this butterfly. Steven goes, hey, look, i just get you know i okay and then steven dies if you do a cute voice there's a higher probability that this random

other insect will stick along with us as a fun sidekick just just throwing that out there a little dm yeah what if you found a butterfly that sounded like this the idea is in your fucking the idea that a dog would suddenly not want to eat something because it could talk is immoral to me. This dog is hungry. This dog's eating a butterfly. It's all good. How are you still hungry?

You ate seven of these fucking cookies. It's a lab. It's a lab. Labs eat till they die. Yeah. Labs eat till they die. You just feel great. I did have one hit point taken off me, so I did heal.

That's true. You're back up to five hit points, Matt. Congratulations. Nothing could kill you. Oh, I forgot to say, you guys leveled up after the end of the last adventure. Oh, that's great. What did we get? You guys all get to roll one more of your dice for health.

Oh, wow. That's what you guys get. Oh, so is that a D6? Oh, my gosh. Are we healing or are we healing? Get it? Pretty good. Okay, I got 11 now.

You got 11 hit points. Mazel tov. Six hit points now. Six hit Okay. I got 11 now. You got 11 hit points. Mazel tov. Six hit points now. Six hit points. I got 10. You got 10. Why do you sound so sad? Well, you only got one.

Yeah. You should get a plus one as well. So I now have 11? Yes. Congratulations. And what about you, Anthony? I have 12. All right.

You guys both rolled bad, huh? Yep. So as you wind on down the road, you start to pick up more scents moving along with the scent of the very good boy. Well, I would literally applaud if you just had more scents moving along with the scent of the very good boy. Well, I would literally applaud if you just had more scents for us to smell. Holy shit. This is insane.

Just sending more fucking things. I smell many things on the air. That means that the dumb one is going to get distracted. Can I trust you to keep him in line? Oh, yes, yes. Yes, of course. The most important thing about being an influencer is making sure that the people know their place

and you are going to be my number two on this one. Oh, yeah, all right, all right, very well. Cookie, are they talking about me or you? I don't know. Oh. The old dumb one, not the young dumb one, to clarify. I'm still not sure. I slow down my gait and I'm kind of like right behind you, Matt.

I bite your tail. No, I'm behind you. How's that going to work, genius? I turn around and I bite your tail. Shit. All right. Give me an attack roll. I'm just like nibbling.

It's like play. Okay. Well, all right. Then that's fine. You don't need to attack roll for that. No, we're dog fighting. We're fucking dog fighting. I go, yay!

And I kind of like do that thing where they jump back on all fours. I can't hear on my left side. Don't be there. It'll scare me. Okay. I'll be on your right side. Okay. As you move down the road, again, you're starting to smell more animals along with lots and lots of humans.

And then in the distance, you see it. A cluster of tents and a big metal wheel surrounded by a wooden fence and a line of people waiting in the mud outside. There's a sign out front that you can't read, but if you did read it, you'd see that it says, it says Cirque de May. And there's a smiling cartoon of Bethela de May next to it. What does Bethela de May look like? She's got like gray hair and an old scar down her

face. It's a smile, but her eyes are evil. Just like me. She's giving like a thumbs up. She looks kind of like mom from Futurama If you know Futurama That kind of scary old lady heat And there's a salvage yard behind

The circus and it's been there For a really really long time That's what you see and you can tell That the scent of the very good boy is coming from Somewhere inside this place The circus or the salvage yard? The circus, the salvage yard was a reference to the immortal Salvage yard which is on Amazon. You can buy it right now.

I'm gonna die. If you don't buy my book. Nice. Everyone, we need to stick together. There's a lot of people here, but you can smell that in the air, yes? It's a good boy. We must stick together and move our way to what I assume is a funfair. I've been to one of these before. I vomited many times

on the Tilt-A-Will. I was not allowed on it, but my kitty brought me in her purse. It made for very good content. A big purse to fit a poodle in it. Yes. Oh my gosh.

It was a duffel bag. It was a Valentino bag. Lipstick? It was lipstick with lipstick in it. My white brown teal bag. Hold on. Before we go in

it looks like there are many humans walking around. Perhaps we should blend in by perhaps forming a sort of four animals in the trench coat sort of scenario. What do you think? You do see several tabaxi, which are like cat people in line as well. Oh, Mochi straight up. The fucking tongue comes out.

The eyes shoot out straight from the fucking forehead. Did you just do like a little slippy from Star Fox? A little bit. A little bit. The most resplendent things I've ever seen. This is a classic spy move. We should dress like them. Land in amongst them.

See how they move freely about. If you can find some clothes that would fit us, I am down for this idea. Oh, okay. Do people usually bother you guys? We're dogs. We can kind of just go anywhere. But we're special here.

They don't know who we are. And the aim of the game is to be sneaky. To spy. Yes. All right. Not because Beny said it, but Cookie, I agree with you because you're a good spy. I'm a good girl, too. Yeah.

Beny, you've been mean. Oh, you've been dumb. I. I'm just letting you know. I know. I can't change that, but you can change being mean. Dang, dude. Ooh, that's a good point. I won't though. So what do you guys want to do?

So inspired by the upright tabaxi, Mochi's going to like try and find something. We're just going to do baby hot all over again. We're going to get a costume and we're going to have Mochi's head sticking out. We know costume, and we're going to have Mochi's head sticking out. We know one plan.

We're going to have Mochi's head sticking out. Or fucking pets. What do you want? Has it ever worked? No, it hasn't. As you approach, basically there's like a line going up to a gate to get in. You see all these people in line, and you're a little surprised to realize that you can hear them talking. At the front, there's an elephant in a tuxedo, and the elephant's talking.

And he says, step right up, step right up, get your tickets, one and all, to the most amazing show in Faerun, Bethel Adame's Amazing Talking Animal Circus, featuring the one and only Very Good Boy. And everyone claps in delight because they've never seen an elephant talk before. They're flipping their shit. Can we see how much money is being handed over for a ticket? Why, it's ten coppers a ticket. Perfect. Wow. I think we have a plan. So ten of us

can go in. Unfortunately, I think the plan for us to be one person is now the most sound I... Actually, this is a weird fantasy world. Is there some sort of human centipede type thing we could pull off that maybe would require us to all be upright and risk falling over? Look around for if there's any walking centipedes type thing we could pull off that maybe would require us to all be upright and risk falling over. We look around for if there's any

walking centipedes. I'm rolling perception to see if there are any walking centipedes and I got a... I got a nine. I also got a nine. I got a 17. You got a 17. 16. So you are certain there's not. I got a centipede teen. Nice. You see a centipede. It's not

very big, but you do see a centipede and you can talk to it because it's an animal. It's not very big, but you do see a centipede. Oh, because it's a centipede teen. You can talk to it because it's an animal. It's like a normal-sized centipede. It's a normal-sized centipede. No, it's a teen because I rolled a centipede. It's a centipede teen, yes. It's a 17-year-old teen.

Oh, it's got like a cool centipede. It's skateboarding on 100 different skateboards. Yes, he's skateboarding. No, no, no, on 100 different tech decks, dude. He's skateboarding on a bunch of tech decks, and he says, Hey, gang, I heard you wanted to talk to a centipede I heard someone talking mess about centipedes Does it get any bigger than you ones as well?

Do you think I'm not big? I'm a big centipede Don't know that you can eat him He's skateboarding down my gullet now He's fucking rail grinding into my stomach Not cool Here I am Doing everything I can

I'm in for a meal I wrote a 17, whatever that is. I'm gonna... That's fine. He kickflips and dives through your throat.

I don't care how it tastes coming out. He manuals the entire way down your intestinal tract. Yes, he basically does a skateboard trick and he flies through your intestine so quick

that he comes out the other end. Wow. Hell yeah. He says, see you later, loser. I collected the tape from your butt. There was a hidden tape in here.

Yeah, there was like, he comes out with like the letters S-K-A-T-E. He looks like Wolverine now. He's got a new costume. I just love the idea that as he goes in, you just hear the choom, choom, choom, choom, like special sound inside a dog. It took exactly two minutes for him to come out

i didn't get to eat i got to it all over again are there any like flags around like you know those like carnival string flags oh yeah yeah maybe we could use yeah yeah there's a triangle flag i mean like there's like tarps draped around the sides of the tents on the fence you see like a a big tarp hanging over on one side off to the side. Maybe we can all get out of that tarp and then we'll look like a horsey or something. It's as good a plan as any. It'll do.

So let's pull that tarp off stealthily if we can. Ah. All right. We all bite it and we kind of like pull it off. Everybody give me a strength check first for the tarp and we'll use your combined strength. Natural one. Natural one, okay.

I'm sitting 11. I got a natural 20. Natural 20, all right. A seven. A seven. And an 11. An 11. All right, now everybody give me a stealth check.

Oh, natural 20. Ooh, nine. Nine. Ten. No one has noticed you yet. Okay. The tarp is still there. It's kind of caught, and it's got thosep is still there. It's like kind of caught.

And you know, like it's got like those spiky posts. It's caught on one of those posts. But maybe if you gave it another tug, you could get it. Climb up, Kat. Yeah. Everyone make a perception check. Two, three. 11.

13. Okay. So with a 13, Beth, you notice that the reason that there's a tarp on the side of this thing is it is covering up the evidence of a hole in the fence. Oh. It's just big enough for you guys evidence of a hole in the fence. Oh. It's just big enough for you guys to squeeze through about one by one. Okay. So, Mochi, climb up and get...

Yeah, just don't tell us. You don't have to tell anybody. Actually, guys, there's a hole here. We could just kind of squeeze on through. I will say it's higher than you guys. So you would have to like stack up to get through it. Cookie, you go first. Okay. I'm going to get a running stack because I'm very fast. I roll a two. So you trip in the mud and run straight into Donut's butt. And Donut, you stumble forward

and clonk your head against the post that has the hole in it. So give me an attack roll. An attack roll? Against your head against the post that has the hole in it. Okay. So give me an attack roll. An attack roll? Against your head against the post. And still insists he's the ghost. So nine. I just rolled a nine. What's the, oh, three? Nine plus three? Twelve. So twelve. Okay. Roll for damage. That's just a one plus

one. So two. Okay. So the post cracks. Oh, okay. And you realize that, like, if you kept hitting this post, it would also break open. You might be able to all sneak through. Oh, I just start banging my head against it. You start banging your head against it and start making all that noise.

I realize that's probably going to attract attention. So Beignet is going to run to the opposite side of the line. Okay. And basically just start doing like an Oliver and Company dance that Kitty had taught her. Oh my God. And attempt to distract everybody with the cuteness. I feel like I should roll performance. Yes, performance. Go for it. Roll Oliver and Company dance that Kitty had taught her. Oh my god. And attempt to distract everybody with the cuteness. I feel like I should roll performance. Yes, performance. Go for it.

Roll Oliver and Company. That is going to be an 11. An 11. I want to assist. I want to assist. Yes, go for it. What do you do? I'm going to bat about a piece of a rock. I'm going to find a rock to try and, you know, fucking hit a rock, dude.

Yeah, that thing that people love to see is cats hitting that's hitting what does the cat do they play with string are you are you trying to help like it was like is this with me the idea is i've never seen freddy have such a blind spot that try to talk about an animal i know this is like just dance with me okay i'll dance with you i'll dance with you you need to give me a performance roll as well, Freddie. I got 12. A 12. All right. You guys put on a mediocre show of Oliver and company. It's really hard to fucking distract people with pets as pets when pets can talk.

Yes, like no one is as impressed as they are by the talking elephant who keeps talking. The people in the line look at us and then look away. Ben Ye remembers that exact look on Kitty's face shortly after she bought her ring. Oh no. And she starts

dancing harder. Oh no. Now the crowd knows you're desperate so they're not looking at you now. Mochi, in this world,

have you seen a dog and a cat making out yet? I can't say I have, no. That would surely be distracting. We have to do something, surely. They can't say I have, no. That would surely be distracting. We have to do something, surely. They can't look away from me. I

won't allow it to happen. Kiss me, you fool. Okay, and so then I think Mochi just gets a big ol' smooch from Benye. Benye. And Benye's going, to try and draw the eye. Give me another performance. I've seen dogs and cats smooching, but I've never seen an elephant fly

give me with an advantage that'll be a 12 a 12 okay Freddie it's just all tongue so I really want this to work but you guys were all so shitty they distracted me by how bad the performance was

so I decided to stop banging my head against the wall. Which is what you were doing. They're not going to notice him now. So, yes, you guys make out for a second, and someone looks over, and they're like, I've seen better. Okay, never mind. It's normal here.

Never mind. That happens all the time, apparently. Cookie's just going to help Donut in trying to make the hole bigger, but she's so small and skinny, she's just gonna like claw at the if you stand on top of my back or like our two heads can like hit the pole at the same time all right give me you don't want to you don't want to hit the pole i don't want to hit the

pole with my head okay you just stay on my back then you don't have to hit it my head's you know my head's pretty hard all right matt make an attack 11 plus 3, so 14. I got an 18 at staying on his back, so I feel like with the added weight and density. Yes, okay, yes. Oh, yeah, baby, P equals MV, baby. P equals MV. We'll add another plus 1 to your damage. Nobody.

So 1 plus 1 plus 1. P and V, I know. Three damage? Yeah, I've done five damage so far. Okay, Cookie hits it with her head. Okay, give me an attack roll, far. Okay, Cookie hits it with her head. Okay,

give me an attack roll, Cookie. That was a very good PNV joke, by the way, Anthony. Oh, natural 20.

All right, you fucking bust it open. Like, yes, it's like your clonk hits it and it tilts a little bit

and then you're like, oh man, I didn't get it and then Cookie's head just launches into it and just knocks it completely loose. Nice.

So now there is a slim opening into the interior. Cookie forgets her entire backstory. Now she's Jason Bourne. Cookie's like, there's three treats in the corner. Why do I know this? Why do I know this? I could trot for five miles before I paused our kitchen.

I know the best place to find a treat is in the pocket of that big guy over there. I assume you guys enter. Yes. All right. So it's basically Dumbo meets Island of Dr. Moreau in here. It's like. That's awful.

This is too specific. That's hecking weird. It's a carnival. And there's, you know, you see a bunch of stuff. You see a lot of animals in goofy looking little suits walking around. They're kind of the employees of the carnival, you know, taking care of stuff, selling stuff, you know, walking around. They're kind of the employees of the carnival, taking care of stuff, selling stuff, walking around. And then you see a lot of scowling human guards keeping an eye

on them. You see one of them starts slacking off like a giraffe is just trying to take a smoke break and someone comes over and kind of whacks him on the knee with a billy club. How does a giraffe smoke? Very carefully. With two cigars in his trunk? He leans down to a baboon to get a light on his cigar. Wait, yeah, actually does it smoke from the mouth or from the end of the trunk?

Wait, giraffes do not have trunks, Matt. Wait, stop, stop, stop, Matt. What the fuck are you talking about? Matt, what's a giraffe? Matthew? Matthew, you have a daughter? What's a giraffe? I'm going to go get a Coke Zero.

You've been kidding the Coke Zero pretty hard, huh, Matt? Now you're talking about an elephant. There's guards posted by the entrance. A sign out front has a picture of the very good boy on it, sort of like his Vegas residency photo. There's a big top tent. However, there's a little area behind the big top tent that's kind of like a backstage.

You see some animal cages. You see some animals in them. There's two guards at the back entrance kind of talking to a line of what looks like hopeful people with their own animals and silly costumes, like kind of rehearsing, juggling and stuff like that. Fucking try-hards. You see also there's a big Ferris wheel in this area and it's being powered by a giant gerbil running in a wheel. There's a food vendor who's selling some delicious looking sticks of meat. And there is a

midway that is full of carnival games, which is being run by a talking unicorn. Oh, fucking whoa. And yes, the scent of the very good boys coming from inside the big top tent.

It looks like that area in the back where they are auditioning is our infiltration point. We could talk our way through and pretend to be some sort of new attraction for this.

Bro, this is such like a level of Hitman right now, bro. It's so fucking tight. We can just go and pretend to be. Yeah, we go into the back and pretend to be a new attraction and try to get in that way. All these things are distracting.

There's games and definitely I want that meat, but like. Focus. Yeah, exactly. We got to keep moving. We got to get back. Think about those kids or whatever under the thing that are dying. The puppies. Yeah, they're starving.

Yeah, think about them. Yeah. Okay, so you head over to the line. You see, like, people nervously waiting. Like, there's this one guy that's, like, clearly rehearsing, like,

a stand-up comedy bit with his parrot, and there are, like, I want to roll inside so I can hear a little bit of that bit. Yeah. Go ahead.

I think I'm going to roll as well. I rolled a natural 20. So he hears, it sounds like he hears the whole type 5. Yeah, here we here we go hold on let me just uh can you take out a timer or something yeah all right give me 60 seconds on the clock all right ready yeah and here you go from the top hey everybody it's me billy and i'm wally the parrot god hey wally that's my line give me a break you're supposed to be my ventriloquist

parrot people aren't supposed to know you're a real parrot. Yeah, I was like, shut up, you dumb fuck. I'm Wally, and I cuss, and I say rude stuff. Wally, gee whiz, man. Like, stop giving me such a hard time. And he says, hey, fuck you. You're just a dumb piece of shit, you lazy asshole. Like, I'm your star.

Aw, crap, Wally. You're really busting my balls here, man. Like, give me a break. And Wally says, hey, look at this ugly crowd full of dumb chuckle fucks go fuck yourself look at this lazy idiot in the front row I didn't know Will had an advanced screener copy of season four of Rick and Morty and uh Wally says hey man that's not cool you shouldn't don't be a jerk okay he's like hey that's all part of the laughs right comedy's a safe space to be an asshole everyone needs to stop being so offended cancel culture am I right i'm sorry for my rude parrot everybody

he just says the stuff that we're all thinking so i just heard blah blah blah blah blah right yes you didn't hear any of that i understand the pair right uh yes you do the parrot cursing i think i'd be a blah blah blah his parents was like fucking going off damn i should have done that as the bit you know you can hear and understand everything because the very good boy is here. That's why you can hear people talk. Oh, that guy was funny. That's a certain humor. Donut loves that edgy.

He listens to a lot of Joe Rogan. Yeah, probably. If you're at a truck stop, it's probably Rogan 24 fucking 7, dude. You probably got all kinds of conspiracy theories. That's just Rogan. Fucking parrot like, Ivermectin. Is there somebody ushering like people or checking people and to make them come

in or what's the situation here is it just a bunch of people waiting for their names to be called you can go ask the guard if you want to find out also will can you go ahead and roll for yourself how well that person did so that gives us an idea how to yeah what's the sense of humor in this world can we just say the f word a lot? He got a 16. Oh, so he's pretty good. That's what he's good. The guard is like, I like the way...

Oh, so it's just like our world. Wait, he's a white man, so let me roll with advantage. That white man said exactly what he was thinking. I think he would do well

in this town. I'm going to talk to the guard and go like, oh, we're next up. And I rolled, I guess, a deception, and I got 21. You're here to audition? Where guard and go like, oh, we're next up. And I rolled, I guess, a deception and I got 21. You're here to audition? Where's your human? Where's our human? It is I. I'm a human.

You're a cat. No, no, no. He's a druid. He's a druid. That's the show. That's the joke of it. Don't you know that? Have some respect for the Thessalian arts. Freddy rolled deception. For fuck's sake. Guy's never seen a human turn into a cat before. Oh, 19. Nice. That's our show damn it oh

so yeah he says oh uh you're the human i will i am gonna need you to turn back into a human so you can sign the contract this is if you just don't want us to do it william hey this guy's racist no it was to believe and this was my plan was you were gonna have to sign a contract as a human i turn around to the rest of the thing i I'm like, this guy's racist against cats. Yeah, I thought you said you were a druid. And the tabaxis look. Hold up. You said you were a druid, not a cat.

I'm in cat form. Yeah, and because he's in the form of a cat, now you're giving him the second degree. All right, fuck off. Get out of here. He's a methadone. Thank you. Thank you. And then we start heading inside.

No, if you want to come back, come with your human. What does the tabaxi say when they realize that this guy's racist against cats? They go, we're not cats, we're tabaxi. You're racist. Oh. Please excuse my problematic friend. He is a white man when he's not a cat. And then the parent goes, give me a fucking break, tabaxi. Y'all look the same

as cats to me. Give me a break. Oh my God. And people love him. And people like that joke. And people love it. The guard's like, look, you guys go get your human or turn into a human and sign the form. And you can get in. But we've had a lot of animals come in here and try to pull the druid routine on me. My friend, my friend, my friend. I believe you.

I believe that you're a human. I failed my deception check. But my boss will read me out if I don't get a human signature on this form. Our human is going in the trough. So we'll go bring the contract to him. Yeah. All right. Well, look, here's the

contract. If you go get your human to sign it and bring it back, I'll see what I can do. As you guys are doing this, you see a little kid and their parent. The parent is dragging the little kid away from the carnival games. And the little kid's like, but mommy, I want it. And she's like, no, you've wasted enough money already. But mommy, it would be so funny if I won that collar that turns animals into so they look like humans. That would be so hilarious. If I put that on my little doggie and we could pull a hilarious prank on Father. But I couldn't win that stupid carnival game. Perhaps this could be our human.

Yes. Yes, let's go steal that child. The mother goes, you little brat. Just wait here while I go get drunk. And then she walks off. Oh, my God. Hello, Chad. Would you like to help us infiltrate that big top? No, I don't want to get drunk. And then she walks off. Oh, my God. Hello, Chad. Would you like to help us infiltrate that big top?

No, I don't want to do that. I'm a little kid. I want to go play carnival games. I don't care about this stupid. This circus sucks. Why do you guys want to be in the circus? Because the circus is super cool for super cool people like us. Yeah, it's cool.

And it's fun. You could be like us. Look at us. What would I have to do? Oh, you just have to sign your name on a little piece of paper. Yes, we need your signature. Very simple. It wouldn't take a second.

You don't even have to sign your own name. All right, fine. I'll do it. But you guys got to go win that human animal collar for me because I think it's so funny. Like, don't you get how it's funny that like I could put it on my dumb dog

and then my dumb dog could run around and I pretend to be a human and then like, you know, could fall down the stairs and I could sue somebody and they wouldn't know who it was. And I turn it off. I take the collar off and it's just a dog. Wouldn't that be funny?

I didn't think it was funny at first. But then when you said it, I was like, that's funny. Okay, great. The carnival's right over there. So just go win it for me. Okay. I will give you that signature. You stay here and hide from Mimosa if she comes back.

She cannot find you. I hope it's a fetch game. Those are games that I'm good at. That kid sucked. So if we win this, we should just use it. Yes. Well, actually,

maybe there's some way we can use it to ruin his life. Oh. Maybe we can like flame him for something. Focus. Remember focus.

Focus. All right. Hey, you're right. Oh. Okay, so do you guys head over to the carnival? We head over to the carnival. All right.

Do you hear some hurdy-gurdy music playing? You see a dapper or unicorn in a little striped vest in front of a booth with a bunch of zany games. He says, come one, come all to the fantastic carnival game experience here at the Cirque du Beth May Cirque du May Circus. Fuck, I fucked up the line. Please don't hit me. And then this guard behind him is like, I'll hit you next time. You there, you look like strapping young pets.

Think you'd like to take a crack at these games of chance and mystery to win these fabulous prizes? And then on his wall, you see three things. You see a stick, unlike any stick you've seen before. It's ornately carved. It seems to be glowing with red energy on its end. And then you also see a collar with a weird diamond

on it. And you see a potion full of glowing mysterious liquid. I've got three games for three fabulous prizes. If you win them all, you win them all. Step on up. We just want the collar. How do we win the collar? Don't tell him that. He'll raise the price

on it. That collar looks like a piece of shit who only idiots would take, but I guess I'll play your games. Give me a persuasion roll. Or deception, I guess. You ever been nagged by a dog? That is a 19. The unicorn starts flop swipes.

No way. My games are super cool. What does his trunk look like? What is his trunk? On the unicorn. His big old long trunk. Right, Matt? Why are you so mean?

My trunk doesn't look like a dick. It looks like a unicorn horn. That's a giraffe. trunk right Matt you think you can beat this game go ahead give it give it your best shot I'll even I'll even give it to you half off I was gonna charge a three copper only charge you one to play yeah you right but you right there sir and none of your friends only you got to do it if you want it no I want to play too I'm a good girl so It's a one player game. So you guys are going to have to choose which one of you. Oh, no. It sounds like the big cocky poodle who thinks he's so cool should play. Well, Cookie's the one with the coins.

So Cookie pays a man and plays a game. Cookie, it sounds like you want to do it and you're a spy. You should believe in yourself. Wow. Thanks, Donut. I guess I'll play. All right, Cookie. As long as the cat doesn't play. This is some fucking bullshit. sounds like you want to do it in your spot you should believe in yourself wow thanks donut i guess i'll play all right cookie as long as the cat doesn't play this is some fucking bullshit what i'm about to show you is the most contabulous fabulous puzzle box ever created by man for a dog

and i need you with only your with only your paws and your nose and mouth to find all five treats in this dog casino game. What the fuck am I looking at here, Will? A slow feeder. This is basically a puzzle game made for dogs. We'll post a picture online. You hide treats in them. Will has taken out a contraption from his bag. It's basically a big square contraption full of slots and traps and stuff.

So, Beth, I put five candies in here. I'm going to put it on the table. Okay. And then I'm going to give you one minute. Holy shit. To decipher how this puzzle works. What hurts the most is knowing that I'm not smarter than a dog.

You have to use your fists because you're a dog. Like, because you don't have opposable thumbs. So my opposable, wait. You just can't use your thumbs just make fists with your hands you can use like your knuckles like claws but you can't use your your hands themselves perfect and then what am i what's the thing so basically there are five sour patch kids hidden in that contraption so beth dogs don't get instructions dogs don't

they figure it out on their own all right i'm gonna start the timer and here we go so beth is poking at this this what looks like a like a board game of some kind there you go slide them that is now figured out that the tiles slide she's oh my god having difficulty you can use your dog you can see them? Yes, I can see them! Use your mouth to grab them! Or just turn it over and throw them out! Okay, alright. This is now not... I don't know if we can actually post this video.

Just flip the whole thing over! Just shame you're straight. I'm straight-ish. Fuck! Can she use her fingers to pull the candy out? She can. Sure. Because she literally can't get her anything.

Yeah, yeah. You can use your... Oh, yes. If you can't bend over for it, then yes, you can use your... Yes. We'll say that you're using your claws. She has now found two. By sliding the tiles around, she has found a third.

How many are there? Only have five? It appears, however, though, that there were only three in the outside. So there's now a spinny kind of wheel attachment in the middle that she's spinning around. She found the fourth. Maybe. No.

No, she's spinning a wheel with a slot in it. The unicorn has decided to give you a little bit more time because he just cookie looks so sad as she's doing this. She's having difficulty. There's a notch in the circular thing. You guys can help.

She's found another one. How much time left, Will? We're way past the time. Give a countdown. 10, 9, 8, 7. Beth has found all five.

Congratulations. 1 minute 40 seconds. It. Beth has found all five. Congratulations. One minute, 40 seconds. It's Beth May. While it was happening, was Mochi trying to just steal the prize while everyone was distracted? Oh, 100%. Oh, that's great.

Yeah, Mochi was trying to steal it the whole time. Cookie, you did it. Cookie, I'm so proud of you. Do you have the rest of the Sarabachkins? So yeah, during that entire time, I think Mochi was like, all these idiots are distracted. Give me a sleight of hand roll with advantage

or a stealth roll with advantage. Is that stressful, Beth? Yeah, very. I've never seen you so stressed. I'm always that stressed when anything like that happens. Wait, when anything like what happens? Whenever I have a dog toy, whenever somebody asks me to play with a dog toy,

I get really stressed out. It happens all the time. 14 plus three, 17. Okay, 17. While this is going on, you have a dog, I get really stressed out. It happens all the time. 14 plus 3, 17. Okay, 17. While this is going on, you have a shot to steal one thing. Okay. And then we'll let you press your luck, but the DC is going to keep going up. So which one would you like to steal first?

Probably the collar, because that's the one that this fucking Lord Fauntleroy wanted. Okay, so you successfully pilfered the collar. Would you like to keep pressing your luck? Of course. All right, so just give me another roll. 15 plus 3, 18 again you see a potion and you see a stick oh definitely the potion the cat could give a shit about stick right you get the potion and what else i think i'm gonna just drink that potion right away okay i have three cards here come over and pick one of these cards and this is what the potion gives you i I'll just say, fuck you. I've drawn a card from Will.

I get charm person a spell. So yeah, you have that spell now. You can cast it. Oh, shit. You get three casts for the day. So congratulations. Right as Cookie finishes up the skill challenge, he goes, ah, it looks like you didn't quite do it in time. But you know what?

I'll give you a constant. That's weird. Where'd all my prizes go? Jesus, get out of here. You know, I feel kind of bad. I feel like I let you in. I don't want to leave you empty handed. Why don't you go ahead and take this?

And he grabs the stick. Oh, wow. He throws it to you. This does not seem like a sustainable business. Don't tell anyone I gave you this stick. I don't know what it does. Don't give him the stick. Okay.

Don't give him the stick. They said it's cool. I'm a unicorn. I don't really understand what it's for, but knock yourself out. I feel like if you give it a good firm bite at some point, it'll probably whatever it does, it'll do it. I bite it. Okay. Freddy got a spell when he did his thing.

It is a wand of fireball. Wow. You have to do a shot of fireball and Will is pulling a wand of fireball. Wow. So you have to do a shot of fireball. And Will is pulling a bottle of fireball out of it. I haven't drank in years. Here we go. Where are you pointing when you bite it?

Who had it? Was he still holding it out? He kind of chucked it to you. You know what? It should be pointing at the kid. Maybe we do like spin the bottle and just see where it points. Okay, sure. It's flying through the air

at me hold on the kid needs to be somewhere so it's pointing that way it's pointing at me so it's pointing at him okay so a bright streak flashes

from the wand to a point you choose within range and then blossoms into a low roar into an explosion of flame holy shit each creature

in a 20 foot radius sphere centered on that point must make a dexterity saving throw huge explosion unicorn that's wild this carnival gave you a gun radius sphere centered on that point must make a dexterity saving throw unicorn gave you a gun you get a fucking russian grenade it was wild that they gave away goldfish like that's a living thing and goldfish are hard to take care of.

They require a big tank. But they're like, here's a fucking cup with a goldfish. Hold on. This unicorn fucked. Yeah. DC. Okay. So he is now going to take 8d6 of damage.

His trunk burned off. He's not. He's a unicorn. I know. I was assuming that meant aimed at the kid because you're an NPC and you played the kid. No, but we were playing the... I'm right next to the unicorn. That makes sense.

He wants the kid to die. That kid sucks. That that kid sucks this kid's dying one way or the other so he takes 23 points of damage and goes hot crawdads i'm on the lamb because he realizes that he's just blown up his own stand and he leaps over the fence and runs away what would you guys like to do uh the guards are starting to get suspicious we're just trying to get to the dog right yeah we have a gun now dude we should just fucking go in blazing i mean mean, can't we just run in and people are probably, like, fleeing? I mean, it's a Forgotten Realms carnival. Oh, I mean, we got the thing, right? One of us should turn into a human.

You have a collar that can turn one of you into a human. I will point that out. I'm gonna give it to Beignet. What? I've been around humans the most. Yeah, Beignet goes, uh, I agree, Donut. I think we should see what you look like as a human. Okay. Beignet is gonna gingerly put it around Donut's neck. Aw. You know, go ahead and tell me, because it's kind of like based on your own spirit.

Like, tell me the type of human that Donut turns into. I turn into... Uh-oh, he's hot. A six foot six. I look like just Jon Hamm. No. Oh my God. Jon Hamm blossoms gloriously.

With really long hair. With really long hair hair and he's wearing whatever you think humans wear so what is he wearing? He's wearing overalls and the merch of the truck stop like a dirty off-white shirt with overalls

so he looks fucking really hot so okay what do you guys want to do? Jon Hamm these are my animals signs of paper So, okay, what do you guys want to do? Oh, hey. Where? These are my animals. Signs of paper.

Signed it. Woof. Sign the paper. Woof. Don't woof. No, no, no. Signs of paper. It's a woof day. That's what the ladies say when they look at me.

Woof. Oh, look at that. I say. Hot man. I signed this paper. Go ahead and put your name. What's your name, sir? What's your name?

My name is Dan Danielson. Mine's Donut. Okay. And. So just go ahead and, you know. He's Welsh. He's Welsh. Okay.

Yeah, we have that here. Go ahead and sign your name on the paper for me, Donut. Can you do that for me? I actually legally can't do that. I need you to do that. Just sign it. Okay. I try to sign it i believe

in you okay you get advantage on signing it now because cookie believes in you so yeah give me a dexterity roll i guess it's at 18 plus three oh wow so 18 plus three all right so yes you somehow man i think you maybe have seen from the dry donut a really good donut though okay like a simpson how we spell it in my culture all right well uh that means that we now own the whole concept of your act oh yeah that's fine yeah if you want to go ahead and audition go ahead and wait inside the tent there's another show going on right now it's another third audition so just be quiet and they'll call you when they're ready donut i bend over and i start walking on all fours. Wow, he's so method.

You guys get into the tent, I assume. We follow him in. When you enter the tent, you see that it is indeed your classic three-ring circus. They love him in this world. Wasn't there three rings in that? I mean, Matt, the human, remember that there's three rings in the pattern on the ground is the sigils. There were rings. Yeah, there were rings. There were three rings.

The sigils. The sigils. There we go. That's the word I was looking for. It's pretty empty in there. So sitting on the far right ring is the very good boy. He's asleep as he's been every time you've seen him. He's got a magical rope tied around his neck

and then it's hitched to a stake in the ground in the middle of that ring. In the center ring, you see a nervous looking man playing piano for a frog in a top hat and a cane. He's singing, hello, my baby. Hello, my honey.

Hello, my fair rune gal. And so this frog is doing this little vamp number. You see a thoroughly bored Bethela DeMay watching and she's like, it's just not edgy enough. I don't know. She lacks the wit of something that I might find in my immortal soul.

I'm good. If you guys want to do a search check to see if there's anything around the tent, you can go ahead and do it. I'll roll a search check. I guess it'd be perception. I like search check. 10. 16. 1. I walk up to

Bethela. As Jon Hamm in overalls on all fours. Holy shit, my fantasies are coming true. As you walk up, you see her saying, no, no, no, get out of here. I need an act with some sex, some bavum,

some show bellow. And then I awkwardly stand up onto my tall twos with these long hairs so my hair whips back. And I rolled a natural 20 on my inside, which I don't know what's the inside but i just want to like check her out without knowing why yeah just anything yeah the vibe a bad person anything how does she feel upon seeing me she's like all right this is a handsome

man i don't know why he crawled over here that's a little strange but oh she says you think you're the first hot stud to come crawl to me, you piece of shit? If you've got an act, let's see it, but don't try to pull this razzle dazzle on me. Jesus Christ, like there's two of them. Which one do I shoot? Both of us. And then myself.

Okay, I just pet huddle. Okay. You're so tall up there. Yeah. Can you take this off me? I don't like being this guy. So I take it off. Oh, the cola?

You take it off? Yeah. We only need a human to sign in, right? Yeah. That's true. Okay. Well, I take it off. Okay.

Maybe she noticed. Are you trying to do this hidden somewhere? The rafters maybe. Yeah. Let's do that. We're doing like a pet huddle. Okay. So you're behind the rafters. Okay. So you've taken the collar off. We're under the rafters maybe. Yeah, let's do that. We're doing like a pet huddle. Okay, so you're behind the rafters.

Okay, so you've taken the collar off. We're under the rafters where the high schoolers kiss. You see two high schoolers kissing and then they run away. You see teen cat and dog kissing. They're doing a much better job than you guys are. Oh, so that's how it's done. That's what it feels like. A lot more tongue.

Are these mean? The dog's here. We could just like take the steak off or just rope it. We could dig down deep so the steak has nothing to be stuck in there. Yeah. That sounds like a good idea. I could. You could also charm someone.

I could perhaps take on this collar. Oh, I put the collar on you. And then I morph into. Because you got charmed. Take it away. I think I'm just like a buck naked. Okay. Like, I don't have clothes.

Yeah, we know what buck naked means. What actor has the most... What about Benedict Cumberbatch? That's a cat. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a cat. I'm a naked Benedict Cumberbatch. Okay.

Comes up and is like, hmm, this form is quite disgusting. Perhaps I could charm this. Are you saying that to us or her? No, no, to you, to you, to you. I've not gone anywhere yet. That's definitely a move. Wait, the cat energy is better than Cumberbatch doing an American accent.

Oh, okay. Oh, this is so hard. This is difficult. I don't know how much I like being this right now, but let me try to work my charms on this human woman. On Destiny? Surely, as humans, she's the most dangerous person here. Maybe we could Surely, there are other humans.

She's the most dangerous person here. Maybe we could convince somebody else to, you know, distract her. To do what, exactly? Well,

if we're going to dig up the stake, then someone else could be making a distraction in one of the other three rings, so nobody's looking at them. Maybe you could convince

someone to distract Best Mate. So, you hear Bethel and Dimeo, where the hell did that act go? Where are they? Send in the next act.

I'm still doing auditions here. You know what? Mochi, I was wrong. It's not about distracting someone. This is your time to shine. You think I'm ready? I think you were born ready. Very well.

And so Benedict Cumberbatch. Sounds like a speaking spell. Oh, my God. With a fucking, just like naked as the day he was born with a diamond studded collar. Steps, struts confidently out. And Bethel Deme is like, this actually does nothing to me. You would think, you would think maybe it would,

but it actually does nothing. Yeah, Jon Hamm wasn't. So Bethel Deme is like, okay, we're kind of a talking animal show. Do you have any talking animals? I'm almost scared to ask. This cock. I bite his cock. It makes it spinning.

Yeah, I meat spin my way up. I hold my hand. I'm like, I do. Where are they? Behold. I look back to my corner, see if any of these other animals are going to come out. So I'm not going to dig. So I will come out with Mochi.

I'll go dig. Okay, so you're going to try to dig the stake out. Yeah. Okay. Say something to the people watching. Here are the races I do not like. In order! She was about to boo you.

She was about to kick you out and then she stops and she's like, you have my attention. The guy with the parrot's like right behind you. He's like, God damn it. This is so much easier. He stole my fucking tea. I'm like Robin Williams.

Okay, but Betheladime is going to make a perception check. I'm going to wink at her before she can do that. She has nothing for you. To charm her. Oh, you need to charm person? Yeah. I came out my ding-a-ling swinging a little bit and I winked at her and I charmed person. So she's going to make a wisdom saving check to save against

naked Benedict Cumberbatch. She got an 18. So she's not impressed by your wink. I told you. Or your wink. Nice. Machi machi. So she got a six, which is good for you guys, because it does mean she does not remember you from the forest.

Just from ripping her friends in three. Yeah, she was a little so distraught by the dead face of Anthony Birch that she does not recognize you when you guys strut in. So she says, all right, fellas, let's see the act. And now it's my turn to turn the tables on you. I have a very racist dog. How, the audience, how racist is he? Well, whenever he sees a, insert race here,

she, whenever she sees a, Oh, a white, like the monster, like a white, like the W-I-G-H-T. Whenever she sees a white, she the monster, like a white, like the W-I-G-H-T. Whenever she sees a white, she roll performance probably, right? I'm also going to do performance while he's thinking of something to say. I got a 19. Okay. And I go, normal people, they walk like this.

But whites, they walk like this. Oh, oh, Beignet. And then she cackles and goes, ah, ha, ha, ha, do goblins, do goblins next. You ever have a goblin friend? Boy, oh boy, do they always do this? And then I chest you over to Ben Yeh. All right, Ben Yeh will once again do your performance.

There are three goblins at the front row just staring straight at you. That's why she said it. Yeah. So I got a 15. Goblins are so ugly. How ugly are they? That when a goblin mother, she saw she had a zit on her nose and she popped it, but it

was a son and she snapped his neck and he died. Holy shit. Hot damn. That's a good one. I say what other people are scared of saying. You are all sinking in. All right. As this is going on, Cookie, we'll let you do-

A strength? Or wait, what? I'll let you do your athletics check, which you have a bonus to. Yes. Because you're digging very quickly. Quickly, yeah. It's like you're running at the dirt. Yes.

Running at the dirt. I was literally thinking, I was like, I'm so fast running horizontally, and this is just me running vertically? Okay, I got an 11. Okay, you got an 11. I want to assist if I can. Give me a stealth check with advantage. Okay, 15 plus one.

Okay, so 16. Yeah, 16. So yes, you're able to go over while Benny is doing her racist jokes. Go ahead and give me a dig roll. That'll be a 13. So yes, you guys are about halfway through, through digging up this post. Looks like we need more racist jokes.

Mochi, Mochi, vamp, vamp. But enough of individual races in aggregate. Let's see the crowd. And the light turns onto the crowd like, you there, sir, and I point at. Just a normal human man nice baby dick isn't it crazy how humans have little tiny baby you baby with a baby dick the uh human man you gotta roll to see the crowd loves it uh yeah the crowd cracks up the human

man like he's laughing but like you can tell it and who is that next to you, sir? Why, that's my lovely wife. We've been married for 20 years. P.U., this guy stinks. 20 years. How many orgasms, ma'am? How many with his baby dick? You can answer. That's crowd work. She holds up both hands to indicate 10 times. I'm going to go ahead and roll insight. Lucky girl. I rolled a 19 insight. Is she telling the truth? She is not. Liar! Hey, everyone, you know what we do with liars. What do we do with liars?

Fist on their shoes. And Begne runs up the rafters and starts peeing on her shoes. Oh, Begne, I can't control you at all. This is the first time she's been wet her whole marriage. Oh my God. So Betheladime is beside herself with laughter as she's watching you piss on this deeply uncomfortable man's shoes. That was peeing on the wife's shoes.

Oh, you're peeing on the wife's shoes. Oh my God. So she's cracking up. She's completely distracted. That means you belong to him now. Leave the jokes to me, Sonny. Yo's a face.

I'm his brains. Oh my God. Go ahead and give me a dig roll, you two. I just got 19. 19, great. I got a three. Okay, so

I was laughing. I was laughing. I was laughing too hard. You were laughing too hard. The joke. The steak is like almost out. It feels like a good push could knock it over. So why don't Matt give me a strength check to tip it over? Donut, could you give me a push here?

Oh, yeah. That's an 18. Okay, so with an 18, the steak springs loose and falls onto the ground. Because it's dirt, you can't quite hear it but the dog is just sleeping. That went well. Yeah. Okay.

I guess we'll just wait for him to wake up. Yeah. Bethelda Mae is wiping tears from her eyes and she looks up and she sees the guard from outside

like pointing at his watch. Do they have watches in this world? It's up to you. In this particular corner of Faerun, it is completely up to you. Yes. He points at the sundial on his watch. And he realizes he's inside.

He's changing time. But he goes, look. And he gestures outside. He goes, all right, all right, fellas. I've seen enough. You've got the gig. You're fantastic. You're fantastic. You're terrific.

I want to sign you right away. When can you start? Right now. All right, that's terrific. Well, look, you can tell she is about to look at you guys. So you have one action to try to wake this dog up. You can put the collar on the dog. Holy shit.

It's gigantic. It's not going to fall on the dog. As an anklet? Yeah. On a paw? On a fingy? On a fingy. That's gigantic. It's not going to fall on the dog. As an anklet? Yeah. On a paw? On a fingy? On a fingy. That's interesting.

Yeah. If you guys want to try to do that. That's a thought. I guess. So I think Moshi's going to go. You guys put an armband on a dragon as an earring. Fair enough. Moshi's going to be like, you've been a great crowd.

We will see you later. And he reaches up to the collar and whips it off like a frisbee towards, now catch, towards the other dog. I will make a catch roll. Okay. And as I fling it, I turn back into a cat. In midair. And now Bethelda Mae is blinking in astonishment. 14.

All right, you catch it. Nice. Can you bring it back? Suddenly I'm compelled to bring it back. In slow motion, Bethelda Mae's eyes turn towards you and towards the dog. What do you do? I run up to it and I go under its big ears. It's like a blanket.

I would get my face all the way into its ears and mouths. Okay. And I go, hey, you probably want to wake up because the hunter is here. Ooh, that's good. Give me a deception roll, though. Dang, you would lie to this good boy? Damn. Ooh, yeah, there we go.

What's deception? That's a 17. Oh, okay. So I'm hearing the word hunter. The dog's eyes bolt open. Oh my God, and he does that like half bark thing where he's like, oof. So yeah, the dog goes, oof. But now Bethelda Mae is fully on to what's going on.

Okay. Cookie is extremely fast. So fast. Faster than a greyhound and tries to put the collar around his little pinky toe on his back foot. Okay.

We'll just let you do that because that seems like a fairly simple operation. Right? Plus, his feet are right there because he's shrimping. Yes, he's shrimping. Yes.

So you're able to now absolutely check off shrimp. Wait, and I shrimp him? It's shrimp-ception. Yes. As you shrimp the collar onto his foot,

the very good boy turns into a giant naked man who... What does Roscoe look like? Sexualize your dog now, Will.

Come on, Will. What does Roscoe look like as a man? He looks like... I mean, he's got like kind of a silvery... We're going with hot guys, right?

Like a Gilbert Gottfried? Sam Watterson? No. All right, you know what? Yeah, Sam Watterson. Why not? Like a young salt and pepper Sam Watterson, buck naked,

appears in front of you. He's huge in size. This is a gigantic man. So Sam Watterson stirs awake. Those eyebrows, yeah. And his eyebrows go and he goes Bethelda May

gasps and she goes guards fetch quest Fetch Quest is Matt Arnold as Donut, Anthony Birch as Beignet, Beth May as Cookie, Freddie Wong as Mochi, and myself, Will Campos, as the Doggy Master. Our theme song is by Maxton Waller, Courtney Tehran is our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Chad Ellis is our editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, Robin Rapp is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis is our editor.

Travis Reeves provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. And Marci Campos is our game design consultant. Hey, hey, Patreon subscribers. Thank you so much, as always, for supporting the show. And an extra special thanks this week to Jared Ayers, Rin, Rebecca Helm, Amelie Biao, Liz, Hector Romeo, Derek Provencio, Luke Polito, Austin Hamm, Jessica, The final episode of Fetch Quest will be out for everyone on December 14th, but if you just can't wait that long, consider joining our Patreon.

Dungeons & Daddies Patreon supporters get our final Fetch Quest episode a whole week earlier on December 7th. Oh yeah, and they also get hundreds of hours of bonus content like our Talking Dads After Show, exclusive mini campaigns and one-shots like All That Jizz, our extremely not-safe-for-work Star Wars RPG adventure, and tons of other cool goodies like exclusive merchandise. Head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads to become a supporter today. Once again, Fetch Quest Episode 3 will be coming your way December 14th and December 7th for on over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads to become a supporter today once again fetch quest episode 3 will be coming your way december 14th and december 7th for patrons we'll see you then

and until next time if you have a dog and you have a car get your dog a car harness i'm begging you you wouldn't let your kids sit back there without a seat belt the same should go for your pooch all right we'll see you next time. What is Oliver and Company? Oh my God. What? What? What is it though? Another thing with a hot dog

for no reason. Oliver Twist, but about cats and dogs. And Billy Joel plays this like hot dog. Oh, it's the Billy Joel one. Yes.

The bizarre Billy Joel one. It's not a very good movie actually. I think it's the Billy Joel one. Yes. The bizarre Billy Joel one. I think it's amazing. As a kid, I loved it. I loved it.