Dungeons and Daddies - FETCH QUEST - Ep. 3 - Paw & Order

Episode Date: December 14, 2021

It's the EPIC FINALE of Fetch Quest! Our fearless pups and courageous cat claw their way out of the Cirque De May and discover the secret origin of the Very Good Boy...This episode contains violence, profanity, sexual content, and violence towards animals.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Donut is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Beignet is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Cookie is Beth May (@heybethmay)Mochi is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Courtney Thérond is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerChad Ellis is our editorTravis Reaves  provides additional editingRobin Rapp is our transcriberMartzi Campos is our Game Design ConsultantSend us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Fetch Quest is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for big dogs. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to Fetch Quest, a Dungeons & Daddies miniseries about three dogs and a cat who get sucked through a portal from our world into a magical, dangerous land of high adventure and have to find their way home. I'm Will Campos, your person. I'm, you know, I'm just Will Campos, your pet guardian. You're my alpha, baby. Slash alpha dog.

Can I get a woof woof for my pack? Woof woof. Woof woof. Meow. Freddie, you start this time. I'm feeling generous. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Mochi, the adorable wannabe influencer cat of the group. That's what I've

settled on. Here's this week's cat. On the final episode. You've settled on Anthony's character. Wanting to be like Anthony's character. This is called character development, guys. Look it up. Here's Mochi's cat fact. I was telling Beth this when we were walking back to her car after the last episode of Record.

I'm so fucking out of my depth here. It's so clear at every second that I have never owned a pet. I've helped my neighbor feed his cat growing up, and I had a good relationship with Clint's cat and my neighbor's cat. But like but like boy I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about about Freddie yes like where it was like I don't know Freddie's such a good guy like he's a sweetheart but it's also like if somebody told me that like Freddie was a serial killer I would be like no fucking way like I know Freddie but then when they would be like well think about how like he didn't know about animals very well and I'd be like oh I'm telling you right now freddie's a serial killer none of

us will ever find out about it yeah yeah you'll be way too confident freddie would be the one i'm least surprised about if they're a serial killer what because you're a serial killer yeah i literally wouldn't be shocked if any of us were like literally not surprising hey everybody my name is matt arnold i play donut an 11 year old black lab who's been at a truck stop his whole life with almost his whole life so where did donut the name come from a car came by to the truck stop with like a packet of puppies you know like four puppies in a box and it was like hey like you know can you see a packet it's like a little bag of puppies to you know see if anybody else would pick them up any of cats just thrown recklessly from a passing car.

They were looking around for the puppies. Somebody wanted to adopt the four puppies. And then in the box, there's only three puppies. And they couldn't find one of the puppies. And it was me, Donut. And because Donut had climbed out, and he climbed onto the tray, and he got into the donuts. And he was eating all the donuts. And then Terry was like, well, I can't give away this puppy.

He likes the donuts. And his name's Donut. So that's how I got kept as Donut. And it's also how the truck stop went from an A grade food code to a B. I'm also the only one of the four puppies that survived that winter. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Hey, life's tough.

Life's tough for dogs out in the wild. Because Terry murdered it. Terry shot the other three. Hi, my name's Beth May, and I play Cookie. Cookie is a two-year-old Whippet spy dog. Fun fact about Cookie the Whippet, I don't know how she got her name, but I do know that despite Agent Cody Banks's tragic demise, which you may think is just like an event of bad luck or whatever, actually as a testament to whippet skill as a spy dog she is unknowingly saved agent cody banks's life 17 times what how to get in the history of agent cody banks and cookie for a little bit

the cody verse into the cody verse you know he's an aged spy had to abandon his family in the U.S., like hasn't been around. But now he's got a daughter, and she's an adult now, and he was trying to find her, track her down, even though they were in like protective custody or whatever. So he would go all over the country, like, you know, just looking for him, knowing only her name. And all the time, people were after him, trying to shoot him. But the thing is most hitmen

just gunshots going off all the time i'm trying so hard to shoot this guy most hitmen have a great like no women no kids no dogs uh you know policy and so it's not the special ones with the morality it It's all of them. Yeah, like whatever Cookie was with him in a Kmart or whatever, the hit men were like, well, we can't. So it's not only they can't kill a dog, but they can't kill someone in front of their dog because they're worried it will traumatize that dog. Cookie gets cold easily, and so he would carry her around a lot.

Oh, there you go. They don't even want to risk it. So he's got Cookie in one of those baby peons. I don't have a lot. Oh, there you go. They don't even want to risk it. So he's got Cookie in one of those baby peons. I don't have a shot. I think Cody Banks knows exactly what the fuck he's doing.

He's a sicko who bought dogs and strapped them to himself to protect himself. As he was fucking sewing up a bullet wound on his chest, they got through the Kevlar. He looks down at Cookie

and goes like, wait a minute, and then attaches her to the Kevlar. Weird that this dog carrier covers your medulla amblingata in one place a sniper would want to shoot you from. Now I really want to do like a Jason Bourne parody, and he like turns the corner, and the bad guy has like six babies

on baby Bjorns. Oh my god. What are you going to do now? Don't move, Mr. Bourne. Jason Bjorn. Very good. Yeah, that one time he went out to a payphone by himself. god sloppy boom they were like no dogs allowed in this payphone so yeah he's like it's an emotional support animal like we don't care it's a life support animal i'm anthony birch i'm ben yay a french poodle

and instagram influencer and apparently uh role models of fred. Beignet got her name when Kitty was at Disneyland and saw Tom Hardy in line for Beignets at the New Orleans Square holding his dog and tried to flirt with him by pretending to be dumb and not knowing what Beignets are and then being like, that's my dog's name when he was like

called Beignets. Flawless Tom Hardy. I didn't know what a Beignet was before i just went to disneyland well then maybe kitty was based on you yeah i got powerful insane diarrhea eating one too that's that was not from the bend yeah that's god punishing you for something you did the very first picture that took off beignet's instagram career was her and an unhappy looking tom already holding his dog and in the very very very background it was like two pixels if you could like enhance it like on CSI you'd see

Glenn Close alone walking around and it was on Delfs of Disneyland yeah you actually see the other Delfs of Disneyland picture being taken and he's like deep throwing a fucking... It's like the Zapruder film. Oh my God. One of those cones. Like those cones. What cones? Bro, you've been to Cars Land and got cones. Turkey on a stick. I wish we could reference the Zapruder film more in this podcast.

Alright. I'm ready to fight some Beth May... Are y'all ready to bring this doggy quest home? Yeah. Put it down. Final chapter. No. No.

I'm sorry. Let's put it down. Let's dive right in. Where we last left the pack, you had uprooted the stake that the very good boy was tied to and turned him into a giant naked man who looks like sam watterson where upon the cover of your very racist stand-up bit was blown and bethela demay called for her goons i am gonna need everybody to roll initiative this is a little bit of a blue question i'm just trying to understand i'm just trying to get a picture

of all this was the very good boy neutered before he transformed? Damn. No. Well, yeah. I guess this is fantasy land. So no. No. Okay.

So Waterston's got everything. He's intact. Fully intact Waterston action. Can any other podcast you listen to promise this kind of drama? I don't fucking think so. I got a three. I got a six. Three. Beth.

Seven. And Freddie. 13. 13 got a three. I got a six. Three. Beth. Seven. And Freddie. Thirteen. Thirteen. Alright, so as you were all rolling initiative, Bethela DeMay, who got a seven, made this cry for her goons, and in came a duo of tough-looking bruisers, and from the other entrance

like a burly, gruff lady with a big axe and a scar and she's glaring and she's pissed off. So that's what you got. You got three goons, sort of two to one side, one to the other. What are their names? Their names are Matt always asks this. Always. I feel your name.

Because I literally, as he said, there's two goons that show up. I was like, oh, honestly, this is Freddie and Matt because you guys got funny characters. We're going to make an entrance in very short order. Okay. I don't give a shit about these names. No, you're going to hear them. The two goons on the left are Chip and Cheerio, and the goon on the right, her name is Matilda.

No, it can't be Matilda. No. What's wrong with Matilda? Sweet Matilda. I don't care. There's more than one Matilda. Not in my canon. How come Matt has Terry then?

This is just like in the prequels where it turns out Anakin made C-3po and you're like, this world feels so much smaller. And also to clarify, she is called Terry Jr. Yeah, you guys are ready for that conversation. All right, Matilda, fuck it. Chip and Cheerio got a 11. Matilda got a 13. One other thing we need to do.

Iwanda Fireball comes with seven charges. Oh, wow. When it's new. But we don't know how used this thing is, and it gets 1d6 plus one charges every day. You've already used one, so roll a d6 for me to see how many charges you have on the Wanda Fireball.

I got one. All right. So you guys got... One plus one, right, you said? You said 1d6 plus one? Well, you already used... Well, I will give you the two. You got two. But you said got... One plus one, right, you said? You said 1D6 plus one? Well, you already used... Well, I will give you the two. You got two.

But you said 1D6 plus one. And I changed my fucking mind, Freddie. And we used one, so what's the point? We'll be nice. And we'll just even have butt stubble. This is just regular Will. This is just full beard Will. But yeah, you have to.

All right. Because I'm a generous guy. Yeah, you are generous. Who's got such alpha energy? Freddie, you are up first. What's got such alpha energy? Shit. Freddie, you are up first. What would you like to do? Okay.

So the stake that the very good boy was on is gone. No, he's still tied to it. It's tied around his neck, and it's dug up. So it's loose. But he can get around. In fact, the first thing he does is sort of bounce to his feet. And then he's very confused at this weird hairless body of his. And he trips over his feet

and he kind of lands on all fours yeah it's his foot that he tripped on huh and then sam waters naked sam watterson growls about price waterhouse cooper or whatever the insurance company shells for is he seems like really freaked out like what am i doing what's going on he's on all fours he's on all fours naked and all naked and on all fours Just the way I like my Sam Watterson. With a rope tied around his neck. With a rope tied around his neck. All right, he's the time. Not nuders. Just making sure I understand the whole image.

Intact Sam Watterson. Oh, no. Naked on all fours. Giant, buck-ass nude. I hate this, but intact doesn't, you know. Is he circumcised? Yeah. I don't know.

Okay. Whatever Sam Watterson is. I don't know okay whatever sam waterston is i don't think we circumcise dogs no yeah you're right damn you're right this isn't really that he looks like it's not literally sam waterston that's true he doesn't take on the knowledge and history of sam waterston he's a dog they just stopped moving in our world. Yeah, he was like, why am I on all fours? Somewhere on the set of Frankie and Gracie's a very confused big dog. But that means... If you're here...

In Sam Waterston's clothes with the floppy sleeves being like, what's going on? Okay, now of the people attacking us, is there any that I get a sense that they might be into cats? Into cats. Sweet.

Oh, yeah. Because this is your thing. Yeah, it's my thing. Okay. Well, the way you said that, though. Fuck off, man. I'll say whatever I want, however I want. Yes.

You see that Matilda has a tabby at home because there's cat hair all over her leather armor. And she also has a tattoo that says wine mom first cat mom second okay that looks like your target friend sorry Beth are you alright Beth has lots of shit she has a tattoo that says I love pussy I'm gonna go after Matilda and like

what are you gonna do I'm gonna like do the thing where they like run the figure eight around her legs you're gonna like nuzzle her legs and get your and that's charm person. That's great. Gotta make a wisdom saving throw. Does it with advantage if you or your companions are fighting it. However,

they're a cat person, which gives me advantage. I think it cancels it out. That's true. I'm going to cast this on my ninth level spell slot. You don't have a ninth level? Get the fuck out of here. That's what the card says. Spell save is eight plus proficiency bonus plus your intelligence modifier. What's your intelligence bonus?

Gotta be pretty low. That'd be a minus four. Okay. We'll throw you a bonus since I gave you this thing and we'll say that you have a 10 is your spell save DC. She rolled a 15 plus two,

so that's 17. Fuck. So yeah, you nuzzle up at her and then she just kind of like, what are you doing? And then she kind of chews you away with her foot. She doesn't want to hurt you, but she's going to get in trouble if she doesn't.

Again, as her tattoo says, she likes wine a little bit more than she likes cats. I got it. Whatever. It is Matilda's turn now, and so she is going to try to kill you. She is going to swing at you with her hand axe. Me? Or is she swinging at somebody else well no because she's a cat know what it is she saw like you came up to her nuzzled her but

then it failed but then bethela de may saw the hesitance in her eyes for a second so now she's overcompensating by trying to kill you good call uh she hits so let's see if freddy's going to die cha-cha-cha. Three damage. Ow. Bloodied. So yeah, she kind of like comes down and like I feel like you're able to kind of dodge out of the way,

but like kind of skits you on the side a little bit. It's actually Chip and Cheerio's turn. They just entered at the back of the room, so they are going to run at you guys at full speed and they're going to be able to attack you next turn. So now it is Bethela's turn. She's got her whip and so she is going to take a

crack at Anthony. Okay, she hits you and she is going to do 1d6 plus 2. Oh my god. You're going to knock me down. I don't give a shit. She does 7 damage to you. Alright, she knocked me down. Is that all your health? No, I'm joking. Beth, now it is your turn. Can I throw an ID out?

Yeah. I mean, maybe I just do it, but if they're running full speed and we have the rope, we could like put the rope in your mouth and then clothesline them all. Yeah. I love that. Where's the rope?

It's around Sam Watterson's neck. So if it works, it might snap the good dog's neck. Well, surely there are other ropes around. He's big and strong. If you want to cast about for ropes, there's like all sorts of spare circus equipment around. You see a lasso on the ground. There's like trapeze

gear. So if you guys want to do like a tabletop move and like clothesline these guys, go for it. Alright. Ben Yeh, if you can hold this rope down here and then I'm going to speed across real fast across the other side and then we're going to trip him. Okay, strength is not exactly my forte, but

I will give it my all. I got a 19. I got a 4. You got a 19. Ooh. I got a four. You got a four. Okay, so you make it across with the rope. It snaps tight, but it's not like super taut because Benya can't quite get her mouth around it. Chip vaults over it.

Cheerio trips up in it and gets knocked prone, but then Benya also gets knocked prone. Anthony, it's your turn. So I'm going to use all my movement to stand up from prone, and then I'm going to say, you naughty, naughty boy, and I'm going to bite Cheerio. Cheerio, the one that's on the ground, go for it. So he's prone, which means I have advantage, which I needed. So that'll be a non-natural 20.

Okay, that definitely hits. And then I do three whole damage. Okay. And he has continued to be knocked prone. Matt, it is now your move. I was thinking maybe Donut runs up and shoves the stick in his mouth and then bites down on the stick

and just blows it. Oh my god. Holy shit. Oh my god. Awesome. Okay. So you're going to basically, now, alright, so Fireball normally hits everyone in a 20-foot range. Okay. But because you shoved it in his mouth, and I'll throw that to you

because it's awesome and he's on the ground. It's only going to get absorbed by him. Okay. Because this is such a targeted move. He gets a dexterity check. Normally, if he does his dexterity check, he only takes half damage.

Yeah. But now we'll say he does no damage and the fireball flies off into the distance because you're kind of aiming it up. Yeah. But if he fails, but if he fails,

he's probably advantage that donut gets because he is prone. Yeah. Like it's easier to get it up. Yeah. But if he fails, but if he fails, he's probably advantage that donut gets because he is prone. Yeah. Like it's easier to get it in his mouth. It should be like a deck like check against me.

You'll do a dexterity save with disadvantage. We'll do that. There's nothing wrong with the cycle. No. So he rolled a three. So yes,

Cheerio takes eight D six of fire damage into his skull into his mouth, which blows his head clean6 of fire damage. Into his skull. Into his mouth, which blows his head clean off of his shoulders. Is he okay? He is not okay. These two guards come busting in to show off to their boss. A dog runs with a rope.

One of them trips. Another dog bites him. And then someone shoves a stick in his mouth. And then his head just explodes. Donut stares at him. You know that moment where a stick in his mouth, and then his head just explodes. Donut stares at him. You know that moment where, like, when you're about to do something, you understand what's about to happen, but it's too late to stop yourself from doing it? Donut, like, he's, like, already mid-shop, and he looks at the man's pure terror in his eyes, and Donut's like, oh, no, maybe I shouldn't do this, but it's too late.

I started jogging. I'm not going to stop. So it seems like we got one more of these trip and pop. The good old trip and pop. We might as well just do that again to somebody. And look, there's bones everywhere. Oh, you know, I forgot to roll for the very good boy, Sam Watterson. Oh. Shit's going down.

Sam's feeling a little spooked. Oh, he's awake. Yeah, yeah. He's awake now. Because you said the hunter was coming, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Sam is actually kind of freaking out right now. Very disoriented.

Not really knowing what's going on. No, I probably made a bad first impression on him. Just saw someone's head get blown off. He trusts you guys because you're dogs, and he recognizes the mean lady with the whip. So he's going to use his ram attack on her, and he misses, unfortunately. So he kind of charges at her, but he's still getting used to his big human body. And he charges at her and just misses her completely. And she sidesteps.

You know, like when the orc like dodges out of the boulder at the last minute in Return of the King? It's like kind of one of those. Yeah. Which means we are back to the top of the order. And it is Freddy's turn. Is there anything I can like knock down from a high place? As fucking lutely there is. As seeing as I'm a cat, that feels like this is my specialty.

So there's a human catapult act. I think it's having a cat. That feels like that's my specialty. All right, so there's a human catapult act, and the way the human catapult act works is that there's a giant weight at the top of a very high dive kind of ladder, and it's like an old cartoon where they shove it off,

and it lands on a seesaw and then vaults someone into the air. So there's a big boulder up on top of something if you want to try something like that. I feel like I'm not going to be able to move it by myself, though. You could try to bring something up with you, or you could just...

Oh, yeah, yeah, just, because you're a cat I'll give you advantage on not taking damage if you want to do like a human pile driver to jump off of there and attack someone. I'll give you double damage. Four claws. Cats are actually more likely to get hurt from shorter distances falling. So I'm going to go okay, I like that. I'm going to go up and get up as high

as I can. Okay, we'll call that your move action. That'll be my move and I'm going to just jump off and go up. I'm going to sail. I'm going to go, sail! Leave it on my D.D., baby! And then just sail into... Sail! So you're going to sail cat onto who? The cat person. If you want to take out the trash first,

yeah. You're going to hit Matilda. Yeah. Okay, so you're going to go for Matilda. Which means she watched you do this entire thing. She was like, what's that cat? She hit you with an axe and then watched you slowly climb up a thing. What's that darn cat doing? All right. So Matilda's not the sharpest axe in the axe drawer.

So give me an attack roll, Freddy. Seven plus three. A ten. Ten. Okay. So unfortunately, because she saw you do all of this, watches you jump down, and then she's able to sidestep out of the way.

Now give me an acrobatics check to see if you take damage or not. Ah, 19. A 19? All right, so you managed to land. Very cool. I just hiss. Literally right back in front of her where you were a half a second ago. Incredible turn.

Incredible. So you rolled in front of her. High-level gameplay. You rolled in front of her, and she's like, what are you doing? And you ran up, and then you down and missed. I will say, when you land, she goes, aww. So maybe she'll be a little bit more inclined to be charmed by you after this adorable movie just did don't give him consolation prize you failed you have failed at dnd we move on to other players the entire party is stupider for what you have done

it is chip's turn and chip is enraged at the loss of a cheerio yes right chip is enraged at the loss. How about Cheerio? Yes, right. Chip is enraged at the loss of his good, good buddy Cheerio. And furthermore, to wit, realizes that dog has a fucking wand of fireball. So he's going to come straight for you, Matt. Bite stick, bitch. Damn. Dang. Wow. I got angry.

It's changed. Don't kill the man. He's got that taste of blood. All right. So he's going to make an attack on you. He's got a big spear, and he's going to jab at you with it. Oh, and he hits a hit. It is a hit and a half.

Oh, no. Oh, no. So he's going to do 1d8 plus 1. Ooh, that's going to be close. He gets you for 3 damage. Oh. It is now Bethela's turn. I think he ripped off one of my ears.

That's what happened. Oh, God. Yeah. He ripped off your ear? Yeah, That's what happened. Oh, God. Yeah. He ripped off your ear? Yeah, it's like three damage. Okay, yeah, I mean, good Lord. All right, well, I guess you guys are going to heal up at some point.

I don't get my ear back. I got one ear now. Reacting to Sam Waterston charging at her and her dodging out of the way right before he tramples her. She pulls out, remember that gem that she had back in the forest where she was able to make him walk

like straight through the portal? So that is a gem of dominate beast. So she is going to use this turn. She holds up this gem and she says, you will obey me. And she's going to cast dominate beast on him. The very good boy is going to have to make a wisdom saving throw again. He makes it. So he's, you see his eyes start to glow over black again, but then he's able to shake it off and he grrs at her. God, it's so fucking weird. Okay, so that is her turn. We are now to Beth. I

am going to try to scurry up her back and bite her arm or something. Okay, to get her to drop it? Yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Give me an attack roll. That's a natural one. Ooh, okay, so that does. Give me an attack roll. That's a natural one. Okay, so that does not work.

And not only that, but as you try to vault up to her arm, you trip on the ground and you are now knocked prone. I was too fast. Anthony, it's your turn. So as a minor action, I will daintily remove one of the healing biscuits and then toss it to you. And I say, this time you are allowed to eat it. If only you would get the ones that we

gave you the first time. You ding dong. But now having established the trip and pop works, I'm going to try to trip chip. Chip is the one

that's left. I'm going to try to trip chip. Because you would feel too bad if we tripped Matilda. That is going to be a 10 for my bite.

You're a 10 for the AC? Oh, for the attack. Oh, you're just trying to knock him over. Yeah, I'm trying to bite him and the bite has the saving throw thing.

Unfortunately, that does not work. He's actually got a pretty high AC, so you kind of bounce right off of him when you try to knock him on the grass.

He's wearing real thick jeans. Yeah, he's got JNCO jeans on. I'm sorry. Hell yeah. You just get a mouthful of JNCO. You get caught

on his chain wallet on the way down. Man, this guy's fucking cool. It's your turn, Matt. I wish you didn't throw me the biscuit. So even though it makes no sense as a player, I feel like Donut, he sees the biscuit,

he goes, oh, he just drops the stick and eats the biscuit. Okay, from nearby Mochi goes, Donut, you fucking mook, you fucking idiot. I don't know if it takes a full action to pick up the stick again oh oh yeah that's right i've been i pick up the stick again unless the biscuits are like peanut butter you're spending your full action trying to get off the roof of your mouth roll a 2d4 plus two hit points for your healing i rolled uh three plus one so four okay so

you're back up on top give me a dexterity roll for picking up the thing. We're going to see if you set off the fireball. What do you pick it up? I got natural one. Oh no! Did you pick it up from the wrong end? Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Alright, throw a pen. Throw a pen and whoever it points at is who the fireball got shot at. And if it points at me, it's in my pen, and then whoever it points at is who the fireball got shot at. And if it points at me, it's in my mouth? If it points at you, it's super. It's dead. No, I want to do it.

I don't trust you, but I want to die. Give it a spin and throw it. Give it a spin and throw it. Okay, this point. So Matt has a pen. He has a pencil in his hand, and he's going to spin it, and it throws it, and it's landed.

Oh, my God! Where did it go? It's pointing at him! It's pointing at Matt! No! What did you do? Oh, man. All right.

So I'm going to give you the same chance I gave the guy you killed. I'm going to give you the same two minutes you gave me, 007. So give me a dexterity roll. And they killed me. This is your fault. You threw me the biscuit. It's your fault for being a good role player. Give me a dexterity roll and they killed me this is your fault it's your fault for being a good role player give me a dexterity roll the way to play dnd is then i actually care about your character and just tried to do the right thing yeah fucking matching a marlon brando method actor what'd you get 17 plus one oh thank fucking god okay so you only take half damage on

what i said to the other guy when matt put the thing in the other guy's mouth, I gave him a dexterity roll, and if he made it, it was zero, because it was so targeted. Okay, so basically, you start picking it up, and then you feel it get real hot in your mouth, and you spit it out, and the fireball blasts,

and it hits the center mast, and now the entire roof of the tent is on fire. Fun. And so you guys have three rounds until it collapses and you all die. Okay. Remember, your goal here is to get home. No, I know. guys have three rounds until it collapses and you all die. Okay. Remember, your goal here is to get home. No, I know.

You have to reiterate that we don't want to die. Let's summon a spectral mansion and put the tent inside there. Yeah. Okay, so now it is the very good boy's turn. The very good boy sees the tent starting to burn and is really fucking starting to freak out now. And he is going to run towards the back because he's just trying to get away from this fire because she's pretty close to the post so he's

gonna run and then he's gonna drag the rope with him and there's that clothesline himself there's that stake on the end of the rope is what i'm thinking so everybody in the room is going to roll a dexterity saving throw and then whoever whoever has the lowest throw is going to get hit by that steak. It's like the bulldog in Babe 2, and he's going to hang himself on the bridge. Okay. I want to get. Two. Eleven.

I'm going 19, though. Too fast. Too fast. So Chip rolled a two. Oh, good. Matilda rolled an 18. Okay. And Bethela rolled a one.

Okay. Great. So a big old fucking steak comes flying at Bethela DeMay's face, and she just gets clobbered by it. So she is going to take 1d12 damage. Oh, this could kill us. So she takes five damage, and she is knock prone. The only way we have the pop.

We're back to the top of the order. It's Freddy's turn. I've had nothing but useless turns. I'm going to try charm person one more time. Okay, let's get it. Matilde. Let's on Matilde. You're so used to being Glenn

where everything charming works all the time. All right, because you did do your cute little move last time, I will give you advantage. But then that's it. Then I'm cutting you off. All right, you're out of six. You've charmed her with your wacky ways. She goes, no, I can't you off. All right, you got a six. You've charmed her with your wacky ways. She goes, oh, I can't stay mad.

Okay, cat. Oh, you're a good little cat, aren't you? The charmed creature regards you as a friendly acquaintance. And that's it. I think he smells my cat, she says. I'm going to pretend to be like, oh, I'm so hurt. Yes, that's the cat. Bring them in for a pet.

Oh, no. Are you her little baby boy? Oh, my little paw. It hurts. Oh, dear. I seem to have injured myself in the fall. Oh, if only you could bring me out. Bring me out to your hands.

That's going to look really close at your paw. You're going to have to kill her. You're just going to have to get out of here. Yeah, you've got an ally on your side now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think I'm going to have her, you know, like bring me out. You're, you've got an ally on your side now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think I'm going to have her, you know, like, bring me out. You're going to ask her to carry you out of there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get me out of this flaming tent. And Matilda's like, oh, this is way too scary a place for a cute little cat like you to be. So it's her turn next, and she's going to scoop you up and run towards the exit. At the end of her next turn, she will be outside. I'm out of here, suckers.

So it is now Chip's turn. Chip is real freaked out by all the crazy shit that's going on. You just attacked him, right, Anthony? Yes. Okay, so Chip is going to take a swing at you,

or he's going to take a jab at you, rather, with his spear, and he gets a 16. Yeah, that'll do it. He does four damage. How much health do you have? One HP left. Oh! Eat those biscuits. Matt, it's your turn. He does 4 damage. How much health do you have? 1 HP left.

Eat those biscuits. Matt, it's your turn. So we're trying to get out of there. Beignet's hurt. Beignet has 1 HP left and is in the middle of a fracas with chip. You should vomit up some of those biscuits into Beignet's mouth. There are some extra biscuits left, I think. I have 5 biscuits in my bag. If you want to vomit a biscuit, I will make that a 1d4 plus 1.

I was just going to run over and grab a biscuit from his back and give it to him. If you want to vomit a biscuit, I will make that a 1d4 plus one. Hmm. I was just going to run over and grab a biscuit from his back and give it to him. If you do that, you're going to have to do a wisdom check not to eat it yourself. Oh, that's a good point. Donut is going to run

and he's going to open up the bag and he's going to eat all the biscuits and then I'm going to vomit it into his mouth. You're going to eat all the biscuits and then vomit it into his mouth? I don't think I can withstand. You don't understand. No, then just don't heal me.

Ben Yeh is saying, leave me alone. It's fine. Just go. Save yourself. But he smelled the biscuits. No, he smelled the biscuits an hour ago, and he didn't do it. Don't fucking eat my biscuits.

Just go. Just leave me alone. Ben Yeh wants to roll a dexterity check against Donut eating his biscuits. Why are you getting the advantage on your test? Because it's a performance. I'm trying to fucking move away from you. I'm trying to intimidate you and make you realize

Beignet's fucking got it. Yes, Beignet's trying to intimidate you. So thank Christ I got advantage because I got a natural 20. All right, so now... If I roll a natural 20. If you roll a natural 20, then both of you punch each other in the face and whoever hurts each other worse gets the roll.

Well, then that means you'll win. got 13 13 all right so we described to me you running up i ran up to him and i was like oh ben yay let me heal you and i try to eat the biscuits ben yay feels his big stupid mouth coming towards the pack on her back and ben yay darts forward just a little bit and then does the ben yay pose and turns around and looks at him and the sheer confidence entitlement and smugness that she has perfected over years of instagram goes deep into his soul and he stopped dead and beignet goes you've just been influenced outstanding okay yeah then donut just keeps running then you ran up tried to help him and then ran back. Yeah.

Okay, I love it. I assumed he was in the way, but yeah, yeah. Scree! All right. Does that sound like the... And even though he wasn't hungry, the fact that he was denied food, and now he feels hungry. Damn. I was like, damn, now I'm hungry.

Bethela de May is still pinned by this giant stake, which is lying on top of her. So she's going to make a strength check to see if she can get out from under it. She does. So that is going to be her move. And then she sees Cookie right there in front of her who tried to bite her. But she's actually going to go to try to pick up the thing from the ground.

She goes to pick up her gem of dominant beast. She sees her idiot number two, Matilda, running out the door with this cat. And she's like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, get a hold of yourself. So she's going to cast- Mochi's going to glare from on the, you know. Yeah, you're over her shoulder glaring back at her.

So she's going to cast Thunder Wave on the two of you. What? Freddy, I'm going to need you to make a Constitution saving throw. That's going to be 16 minus 1, 15. A 15. You take 1d8 thunder damage. Two damage and that puts me down to two life. Okay.

So Matilda takes a big old hit. She takes 13 damage. Big old toke off of that thunder wave. Also when she gets hit, it yeets her 15 feet away. So the two of you have been blasted out of the tent now. So you are outside. Hell yeah, bro. So this is working out great for Mochi. Mochi's having a good time. Yeah. Yeah, damn. Beth. away so the two of you have been blasted out of the tent now so you are outside hell yeah bro so this is working out yeah yeah damn beth i think that we all want to like keep eyes on the

very good boy so i think cookie is going to be like hi if we all grab hold of this rope we can use it kind of like a leash to keep tied to the very good boy. And so maybe that's a plan. But also, I'm going to attack this person. She's just going to run over and slit Chip's throat with a knife. All right, make an attack roll, please. Whoa, 19. I swear to God, I rolled more 19s in this fucking thing than ever.

All right, that hits. I'm also cheating. Roll damage for me. Fuck. One. Ooh, but he is knocked down. Oh, wait, plus one. He has to try to save again.

Plus one, so two? Yeah, two. So yes, you've knocked Chip down. He looks a little beefed up. And yeah, so to your point, if you guys want, so the very good boy is running towards the door.

There's still about 30 feet of slack rope in the stake in the tent. But if you want to grab of slack rope in the stake in the tent. But if you want to grab onto that rope with your teeth, I'll give you a skill check to hold onto it. But that means you will move when the Very Good Boy moves. Okay.

So you'll get extra feet out the door, so to speak. I think that's good. Okay, Anthony, it's your turn. All right, so thankfully, because Cookie knocked down Chip, I don't have to do a disengage action or provoke an attack of opportunity. So I can just immediately eat one of my healing biscuits.

Wouldn't have to do that if you just ate my vomit. So I get 9 HP back so I'm up to 10 of my 12. As a team, two actions for those 9 HP. It was worth it. It's worth it rather than you vomiting them up and making them half as effective. That's what I'll say.

What did it cost? We can always dream of what might have been. And then I'm going to move away towards the door. Okay, great. So you've got one turn to get out the door. Okay. All right, so we are now at the very good boy's turn. He gets to the door,

but he's too big to get through the door. Oh, big Sam Waterston. Big, big Sam Waterston kind of drops down and starts army crawling out the door so like it's just his butt and legs in the room right now. Full moon tonight. That's all we need right boys? Oh god You're the best part of Sam Waterston

watch him crawl away getting stuck in the door Step Sam Waterston Step Sam Waterston I'm stuck. My dream is that is a Winnie the Pooh situation with Sam Waterston. So that's exactly what this is. It is now the top of the turn order.

You have two turns. Grotesque view. Like if you've never seen a man, just the perineum of Sam Waterston. Oh no. God. Cause it's not like way the poo. Cause there's not, there's not, there's not old sacks flopping down on Winnie the Pooh.

It's a rabbit's view from Winnie the Pooh. It's not everybody else's. I love that there's definitely people who are listening to this being like, wow, fun pets, cute pets. And then we've just assaulted their mental image. You know what you signed up for. Oh, my God. 69 episodes of bullshit in the first campaign.

You knew what this was going to be. Uh-uh, 68 and a half. You're right. Freddie, it's your turn. So I'm outside, but I see the front. You see the front half of Sam Watterson poking out. You want to help him out? I want to grease up Sam Watterson.

Who doesn't? To help him get through. What the fuck did you think I don't know i just didn't know at all this is a it's a weird phrase to say out loud now i understand what you're saying all right so is there like a tub of lard or like shortening or something like you know medieval all right so yes you are nearby because they were doing like some there's a fair carnival yes there's an old grease vat near the turkey leg stand. Yeah. The mystery meat stand.

As you're looking for something to grease him up with, Matthew Arnold, a worker, a talking zebra at the fair, comes walking over on two legs with a big grease vat. He's like, I can't believe they still make the zebras do this bullshit. I'm sick of my job doing this stuff. So he's walking towards you. It's uncanny. Matthew, grease up this Sam Watterson looking motherfucker with the grease.

Oh, I don't know. I'm supposed to properly dispose of this grease. If I get in trouble, I can't buy my Peace Hammer 20,000 figurines. Peace Hammer 20,000. Because it's a crazy topsy-turvy world that this takes place in. That's the sort of quality lore building you get. In the grim, dark future, there is only peace. In the nice, fun future of

Peacehammer, there's only vibes. I feel attacked. I didn't sign up for a roast tonight. Give me a perception check. Four. Okay, because you rolled bad, you think it's five zebras. So the stripes, you can't tell how many there are. That's true. No, no, no. Imagine, right, because the zebra

is evolved to blend into the environment against what? Predatory cats. Yeah. There's going. No, no, no. Imagine, right, because the zebra is evolved to blend into the environment. I guess what? Predatory cats. Yeah. There's going to be a lot of vertical stripes around.

So you think there's a bunch of zebras. I go, zebras! Look over there! I don't know why I have a French accent. Look over there! Because you want to be

like Ben Yeh. Yeah, it actually works perfectly. You literally become Ben Yeh. That's true. Look over there! That's, that's the... That's America's sweetheart Sam Mars. That's America's sweetheart, Sam Marsden.

That's America's eyebrows. He owns this whole fair. Can't you tell? He's the centerpiece, and he's stuck. You must help him with the grease from the turkey legs. I keep looking at Matt like I'm expecting Matt to make the decision. All right, give me a charisma check. A natural one.

A natural one. All right, Matt, tell me how Matt Arnold the zebra blows off Freddy here. Probably kicks him. He picks him up and puts him in the vat of grease and closes the lid. That's great. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, that's perfect.

This is exactly what you want, because then you can escape in your little greasy sponge. You can do it yourself. Yeah, you can rub your greasy body all over him. Oh, yeah, I like that. Yeah, he just dunks you in. Okay. Yeah, now you're greasy. Yeah, that's fucked up.

You got a one. Yeah, you got a one, so he doesn't even have to I like that. Yeah, he just dunks you in. And then, yeah, now you're greasy. Yeah, that's fucked up. You got a one. Yeah, you got a one, so he doesn't even roll for that. Yes, you get picked up by the zebra who has the ability to pick you up. Now, however, what is Matilda doing? Because she believes I am a friendly acquaintance. Oh, that's true. Matilda's like, that's not your cat, sir. That's not your cat.

So she is going to, on her turn, attack the zebra, I guess. I feel like that's just let it go of it after she said yeah rather than putting i wanted to put the lid on and drown him but she pulls him out so now you're covered in grease and now you're slippery because that's like a natural one but it turned out great for me i also feel like a friendly acquaintance wouldn't go to like like i'm on twitter enough to know know that friendly acquaintances are really just like, oh my god, that sucks. Alright,

since you rolled a natural one, yes, Matilda on her turn is like, oh god, that's and she can't really see you anymore and she has object permanence issues, so she's like not really sure what to do right now. She replies, oof. She's also friends with Matt the zebra guy. She's like, I really hope the two of you can work this out, but I want to stay neutral. I want to come between my friends. matt the zebra guys she's like i really hope the two of you can work this

out but i want to stay neutral i want to come between let me know if there's anything i can do let me know if there's anything i can do she has a whole she runs away matilda's out of the combat congratulations it is chip's turn chip is still alive chip is going to attack anthony again how well i moved away from him and he has to spend all this moving getting back up because he got knocked down by a cookie fuck my butt all. All right. So he gets back up and then he's going to use. Is this tent going to burn down? Yeah. And like next turn it burns down. There's one more time.

You're safe though. So I'm safe. He's going to use his ranged weapon attack to throw his spear at you. All right. He got 19. Yeah. He got me. He's going to roll a. It's not going to knock me out. It'll be fine. He got a five. So you've taken five damage. Back down to five damage.

Damn. And he's starting to freak out because a timber of wood that's on fire just fell next to him. He's ready to get out of here. It is now Bethela's turn. She's like,

I got to get the fuck out of here. This is a nightmare. I got to get my dog back. Well, actually, no. He's still stuck. None of you can leave. His ass is stuck in his... I know.

We got to get him out. He's plugged up the entrance. And also, all the other innocent bystanders come to watch him. Fun time at the circus. Okay, Bethela DeMay is gonna cast Thunder Wave on Sam Waterston's ass and

try to shoot him out. Nice. This is just like in the Bible. He could cast Thunder Wave on Sam Waterston's ass. This is just like the Bible too. So, he's gonna make his dexterity saving throw with disadvantage because he's stuck in the door so he takes seven damage and gets shot the remaining 15 feet out the door so now the door is unplugged i got fucking greased up for nothing yeah i had a

great idea too this is such a good idea for us going and also now you cannot go near that fire it's true. Oh yeah, because he's greasy. Because he's greased up. Oh yeah. He'll get lit on fire real bad. Oh, that's true. So that it did end up being a bad thing for you.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. It is now Cookie's turn. Yeah, so let's run out. You could try to grab onto the rope as it's getting out the door. Yeah. I'm going to try to grab that

with my little doggy teeth. 16. All right. You bite into it and on the very good boy's turn, he's going to start taking you out that door. Anthony, it is your turn.

I'll do the same thing. I'll move out. I got a 13. Okay, that'll do it. Matt? Emerald and dexterity? Yes. Or strength or what?

It's just because it's a bite. It's whatever you feel best represents you. 14 plus one so 15 okay so all three of you have oh jumped onto an adorable fashion and sunk your teeth into this rope and sam waterston has shot out the very good boy has shot out of the door and he starts taking off running good and so all three of you slide out the door. Who's walking who? The stake hits the front gate of the thing and takes out part

of the support on the way out. So you see this burning tent crumble behind you and there's a burst of flames. How many people die? Huh? There definitely was people in there. Well, there was the two people. Everyone else ran out during the fight. Nah, because halfway through there was a big old butt got in the way. That's true. There's definitely some people who are not ran out during the fight. Nah, because halfway through, there was a big old butt got in the way.

That's true. There's definitely some people who are not coming back from the circus. I'm rolling a d20. Eight people died. We were responsible for that, except for only sort of... Okay, so you guys are out in the middle of the crowd right now. Sam Waterston is reeling around. Sights and sounds completely unknown. Kind of freaking out. Just like when he's let off Seth Lawd.

What is this world? And there, it's a shit show. People are screaming. There are guards closing in on you from every possible direction. People like have lost their family members. Yeah, a couple people

are burning to death inside of this thing right now. So Sam Waterston looks around and kind of gets his bear. God, stop. The very good boy looks around, gets his bearings, and then sees a fence way down in the distance. Okay. Right? And then he looks back and kind of gets his bearings. God, stop. The very good boy looks around, gets his bearings, and then sees a fence way down in the distance.

Okay. Right? And then he looks back at all of you, and you see a mental flash. Because he can't really communicate, but he can kind of impart visions to you. And you see a vision. Just like Sam Waters.

That's why he's so good on Law and Order. He's just so good at speaking. Just from his eyebrows, he's able to communicate a whole story. The ideas of justice. And so you see a vision of all of you Just from his eyebrows, he's able to communicate a whole story. The ideas of justice. And so you see a vision of all of you on Sam Watterson's back. Like the rest of the cast of Law & Order.

Hell yeah. You see all of you flying over this fence, and then halfway over, he turns back into the very good boy and takes off like a shot across the field and you kind of get what he's imparting to you is that if you can all make it over that fence he'll be able to turn back into his wolf form and run far faster than anyone here can catch him okay so we should all climb on his back that's what he was saying fuck i'm covered in grease though bro you are covered in grease and you if there's one thing sam warrenson grease fuck it's hard to hang on

to that greasy boy. As we all know, Samuelson specifically is very difficult to hold on to. I've got an idea for your greasy cat. He's like, Mochi, if you try on my thunder shirt, then I can grab the straps of the thunder

shirt, and then you wouldn't have to worry about being greasy, because, uh... Do you think I'm going to defile myself in a piece of doggy clothing? It makes you feel real warm, like somebody's cuddling you, though. Bring it to you. I love this as character growth, so you are gonna...

I will take off the Thunder shirt. Wow. Okay. To save a cat. To save a cat. Yes. The mortal enemy of dogs. Okay.

That's great. I love that. So yes. Finally, you are the protagonist. Yes. To save a cat. Freddie, you are now wearing the Thunder shirt. How did this happen?

How did what happen? Magic. How does a dog take off a shirt and put it on a cat? If you've had a pet and try to dress them up, it happens. It fucking happens. Okay, okay. So basically, the camera pans away for a second and you hear like a bunch of zippers and velcros

and someone goes, a wooga, and then someone says, that's not my, sorry, and then when we come back, you're wearing the Thunder shirt. Alright, so what do you guys want to do? I kind of just want to bite onto you know, Sam Watterson's butt like the Gerber baby or whatever. Yeah. Just hang on. Hang on to those hams.

And let him run. So we are now going to begin a thrilling chase. Sam Watterson definitely has hair on his back. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. He's going to get sued by the Watterson family. Wait, is it Watterson?

I don't know. It's with a T. Can you imagine going to Discovery? It's like, it's always slander if you can prove that you don't have hair on your back show us your back Sam

I'm just gonna do a quick search Sam Watterson shirt just in case there's a shirtless scene with Sam Watterson hold on I'm just checking

right now on images go ahead and google Sam Watterson's back and fuck up your adsense forever yet he is yeah he's a hairy man and he is a hairy man

he's got some hair on his chest so we're all on his hair. I'm looking at mancrushes.com. Hell yeah. Wait, is it like literally just called a favorite? Yeah, mancrushes.com, Beth. Spelled how you think. Yep, he's definitely got hair. Alright, so you all hop onto Sam

Watterson and he takes off like a shot through the circus and we're going to begin a thrilling chase sequence slash skill challenge is how we're going to do this. It's daring escape from the circus and we're going to begin a thrilling chase sequence slash skill challenge is how we're going to do this. It's daring escape from the circus. Did I get picked up by a cookie?

I feel like all the doggies are like maybe helping hold on to Mochi. I'm not happy. Mochi's not happy. The cat's got sticky little paws even if you're greased up. Is it crush or crushes.com?

Man crushes plural, Beth. It's not just one. While all of you are ogling pictures of Sam Waterston, I will continue. I don't think Beth's on the Sam Waterston page. David Boreanaz. So as you escape the burning tent, you see chaos everywhere.

As you're running, you see Betheladime sort of like Terminator punch her way through the flaming tarp of the tent. She emerges from the tent with a bandolier of sleep grenades on her back. Like the ones that Anthony Burch threw at you many moons ago.

And she whistles. She does like a little wolf whistle and you hear something burst out of a cage. And she says, Teddy!

To me! And a big ass tiger leaps out of a nearby cage and charges to her side. She does like a cool Legolas flippy dip to like get on top of it and now she's charging

towards you. That's your cat. That's the pursuer. That's Beth. And now she's charging towards you. That's your cat. That's the pursuer. That's Beth's cat. She's not paying attention. Beth is. Sorry. We were literally looking at a picture of David Boreanaz.

It was Jake Gyllenhaal. You're riding your giant tiger cat named Teddy into battle. Oh my God. No, you don't get to enjoy it. No, you don't get to enjoy it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Teddy. And the first thing he does,

kills somebody who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal. He kills Jake. Jake Gyllenhaal. He kills Jake Gyllenhaal. The tiger tamer gets toppled over as Teddy rushes to your side, to Bethel to May's side. And trampled to hamburger. His last words were like, I wasn't right for the guilty.

I'm sorry. No, fucking leave it in. Leave your dog shit, but also right take in. As Sam Waters is bounding across this park, you pass like a frost wizard making snow cones for people he's like one of those little booths like doing little snowballs for kids and then he sees you coming and he's like oh shit no you don't that's my fucking meal ticket

and he begins to cast a ray of ice on the ground with the aim of making it so slippery that you all fall over and crash so here's what we're gonna do you're all gonna tell me what you would like to do to stop this guy. You're all going to make skill checks, and then we're going to throw all of that together to see if you beat the DC to pull off what you want to do. Okay. He'll be at the fence in like three of these challenges, and if you fail enough of them, Bethel Adame will catch up to you with her sleep grenades. I could rip off the thunder shirt from Mochi and then try to like shield like Captain America, use that to absorb the ice blast oh i like that yeah go so he's making snow cones he's like at a little ice cream stand

making snow cones and he sees you guys coming and he sees where you're running to does his power come from the snow cones that's his one secret is that it actually he has to eat one of these snow cones every six hours or he'll lose his frost powers i'm gonna try to knock over the snow cone machine oh that's great okay i love that i think i'm gonna ratatouille him but like i'm like waiting for the attack and then when the attack comes i'm gonna like bite one of his cheeks to like being gonna go ow and like move his body so he like dodges the attack you're gonna ratatouille sam waterston yeah but from the butt but from the butt rat Ratatouille Knights. Yeah. Okay.

You're the Pixar animators that are spare time to animate dirty movies. Ratatouille After Dark. If Benio can't block it, I'm going to try to make him dodge it. Because I feel like he's not looking at it, right? He's just focused on running towards the fence. Yes, that's true. You're trying to lose him a little bit. Yeah, it's like pushing somebody over right before something hits their head. Freddie, what are you doing?

I'm going to assist in that specific move there. There's a lot of butt. We need a lot of bite to maybe make him feel it. Well, I'll get up and try and maybe poke him in the eye and make him flinch. That's all. Just try to do a combined. There we go.

We're going to spasm him. So you see the threat. He doesn't. You're trying to get him to essentially sort of like buck or twist or yeet out of the way of this thing. Okay, great. Everybody roll me a D 20. Beth,

we'll call yours a strength because you're knocking something over. Anthony, yours is like a dexterity. And then the two of you, what do you normally do for your attack? I would like to use wisdom because I feel like I'm like thinking how he's going to aim as I'm looking. I'm like calling the shot.

I'm like, see him winding up. I'm like, Oh, that's where he's aiming towards. Okay. Roll me the wisdom. Okay. And then if you do well in the wisdom, that'll give you advantage on the other shot. I'm like seeing him winding up. I'm like, oh, that's where he's aiming towards. Okay, roll me the wisdom. Okay.

And then if you do well on the wisdom, that'll give you advantage on the other part. Oh yeah, that's a 21. Okay, so now you have advantage on your strength roll to bite his ass. Great. I also got a 21. Nice.

I got a 10 plus 4, 14. Okay. I got a nine. Still not great. I got 13 on my strength. 51 plus 13 is 64, which is enough. It was a DC 60. So you are able the wizard is about to fire the blast of frost and then he sees a whippet come and knock his precious snow cone machine over

which causes him to freak out and misdirect the aim the ray blast goes off it hits the shield that beignet is holding and manages to blast like Captain America and hold it off. It deflects off the shield onto the ground where it is about to make the very good boy slip and then your combined eye swat and butt chomp allows him to sort of buck and twist. He

torques his life body in the air. Yes, he does a pirouette and beautifully sticks the landing on the other side and I assume you guys are now running alongside him. Yeah, he does a pirouette and beautifully sticks the landing on the other side, and I assume you guys are now running alongside him. Yeah, we did it. Alright. Now let's do it two more times. You are being pursued relentlessly by Bethel Ademe on her tiger.

The very good boy is thundering and he's crashing and he's bounding through everything. He's rounding the corner to the midway, and he's dragging that stake beyond all sorts of strange attractions and weird amusements and stuff like that. And then we cut to two burly handlebar mustached weightlifters, like lifting big things and flexing.

And one of them's got a big hammer. They see Sam Watterson running around. They see the stake in the ground. And then one of them looks at the other and says, this sounds like a job for us. And then they like backflip over there. And one of them grabs the stake and holds onto it while the other one raises his hammer up.

And he's going to try to drive that stake into the ground to stop the very good boy. What do you guys do? Oh, I'm going to jump on the steak. You're going to jump on the steak? Yeah, he's not going to slam it down when there's a little sad looking puppy. Very, very good. Very good. High risk, high reward.

I love it. I'm going to says beignet by also striking a pose. An adorable dog and an adorable cat. Because one of them could be a cat person too. I rolled performance. I did the beignet pose on the steak and I got a 21 okay great damn what's cookie doing i actually might take a light chomp at the rope itself because i feel like if not now then we're gonna need to lose the steak before getting over the fence because that's probably just gonna catch us up

i was gonna try to bite the rope you're gonna free the steak from the rope yeah love it okay great so give me a strength roll for that i I'm just going to help cookie over there. Okay, so the two of you are going to attack the rope. Yeah, we've been the stick duo. During the chase one, we saw two buff mustachioed guys. I did the Ferris Bueller thing where we run past them and then I run back and go, oh, Jim and Bill. Jim and Bill Vanier.

15 plus one, so 16. So remember your numbers. Freddie, what do you have to do? 5 plus 1, 6. I got a 10. Plus 10 is 32. 32. Plus 21. Plus 10 is... 32. 32. Plus 21. Plus 21 is 53, which is not quite enough. So here's what happens. The two of you basically cancel each other out because Ben Ye looks super cute and adorable.

And then this fucking feral, greased-up cat in a tactical vest hops on the thing next to him. The whole site is so unsettling. The guy's like, ugh. And then he aims the hammer to just squash you. Kill it. But while he's doing that, the two of you manage to bite down hard enough on the rope

that you've caught their attention. And his partner shoves him and is like, no, no, no, look at those. That's where the problem is. That's where the action is. And now the two of them see that you guys have cut through the rope. And instead of smashing the life out of this poor cat,

the two of them grab onto the rope and hold it down for like one big burly moment. And that caused the very good boy to just stop dead in his tracks. And now he's struggling against this rope and they're like, and meanwhile, Bethel has caught up a little bit. So she's closing ground on you. You see around in the corner.

So what would you like to do? Uh, murder them. Yeah. It sounds like bite some corner. So what would you like to do? Murder them. Yeah, sounds like bite some nuts. I was literally like, buy a nut. One nut each, you think? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Four of us. There we go. Hopefully there's four of them.

We'll call that a strength roll from all of you. Natural one. Ooh, that's a natural 20 plus one, so that's 21. I got 15. 15, so that's what? Stone roll. 35. 36. 19. 20 plus ones. That's 21. I got 15, 15. So that's what? Don't roll a 35, 36, 19, 36 plus 19.

Uh, we'll give the very good boy a roll. Cause I should have been doing that all along. You accidentally bite one of our nuts, bro. What nuts? You've all been neutered. And he got an 18,

which puts you over the edge. So the very good boy gives a tug on the rope, like one big hard tug that sends them tumbling over. And then you manage to bite three of their nuts. And so they scream in pain and drop to the ground. And now the very good boy is off like a shot again. Okay, great. Which brings you finally to the fence.

And there's like a phalanx. Like in 300 when they all get up with like the spears and everything. There's like a whole shitload of guards guarding the front door. But the very good boy seems undaunted. He skids to a halt like the bike in Akira to motion for you to hop on his back as he fucking bounces straight over this fence. So I assume you guys all hop on. He takes a running leap and vaults into the air and he's sailing towards that fence and it's beautiful. He's going to like skim right over the top of it. So right as he's flying over it, he's going to make it.

He's going to barely make it. A figure stands up on the edge of the fence and it's this badass woman. And she's standing there. She's got a hood and she's got a steely glare. And you realize, oh my God, it's Osh Lee Birch, the more competent druid sister of Anthony Birch. And she's got a gigantic net with her.

So you're in midair in slow motion as this druid is about to cast a net to catch the VGB. I tell her I haven't watched... Mystic Quest. Yeah, I tell her I haven't watched Mystic Quest and I don't plan to. It's actually pretty good. I really liked it, yeah.

Must be nice. Okay, so make a performance check for that, I guess. She is in fact on a Mythic Quest right now, so that really hurts your feelings. 18 plus four is 22 dang damn it's not all about the career you know donut's going to leap at it because once it hits something like wraps around so don't just gonna take a sacrifice and as donut leaps he looks at cookie and says oh across across the road there's three puppies. Just tell Terry. And then I leave. Oh my God. Okay.

Matt loves killing himself in one-shots or miniseries. I think that cookie's gonna go for her face. Like, not the net, but her face. I watch you jump too. I go, no. And you're faster, so you're like, as I'm saying it, you're like already past me

i'm like don't know this is the better choice i feel like mochi's in sam waters's hair being like it's okay i'll tell the story don't worry i will handle it so i'm gonna fly into the air and turn into a whirling dervish of claws of of teeth and nails. I'll be terrified. And the idea is to slice a hole through this net so that if it does land, it'll, you know. Okay, great. All right, everyone, give me your rolls. Nine plus four, because it's a claw, 13.

Dexterity, I guess, and I'm just leaping? Yes. I mean, that's still a five. Can't even sacrifice yourself, right? Uh-oh. Plus five, plus. 22. 22. 11 plus five plus... 22. 22 plus 11 equals 51.

And now the very good boy gets a roll. Roll over. Roll over. You guys got a fucking 59. I'm not kidding. Oh. So here's what happens. You're flying in.

She's completely unfazed by you trying to diss her about her very successful mythic quest that she's on. She's like, yeah, I know. That figures you'd be insecure about that. And then. And then Anthony's like, more people listen to Dungeon Daddy. And then she's like, I have an Emmy and I write on mythic quests. Cookie, you take off like a shot for her eyes. And she just sort of effortlessly dodges

and gives you a little wink as you go sailing straight past her towards the ground. Matt, she gets the net into the air, and both you and Freddie and the very good boy all get tangled up in this net. Freddie winds up scratching you up instead of scratching the net. And all of you go crashing down onto the ground.

Beth, you're outside the net. The rest of you are inside the net. You see... Sandra Bullock. You see Sandra Bullock in the net, and you see... Holy shit. My man.

Right there. Don't worry, I got you. So you see that sort of phalanx of guards at the entrance all part ways as Bethelodomay is coming around the corner. You guys have one turn to bust out of this net. What do you do? We chew.

I'm just greasing my way out of there. You just don't care about us? I mean, I'm good. Oh, yeah, I'll clot. I'll clot. I'll get through it. I'm free. And then you turn around.

I'm going to bite. But I feel like since I'm so fast, I can take at least one good chop. I feel, Anthony, like I could take... Beth found a secret extra rule in Dungeons & Dragons, which is that you just say that you are a thing, you get to do the thing better. Yep.

That's my entire career. Because I'm very fast, I am going to give one good chomp to like each... You're like Edward Scissorhands-ing it. I am Edward Scissorhands-ing with myself uh certainly an evocative image yes so what are you doing tying a cherry stem into a knot yes i'm biting through the net at different parts in a very edward scissorhandian way so you're trying to like carve out like a hole yeah so you're biting you're biting yeah donuts not very fast,

so he just does one part of the net. He just one big chunk. Yeah. And I claw, but I got two claws. Okay. And then what is Benye doing? I think Benye will whisper to Sam Watterson like,

my wish is for all of us, including you to go to else. Give me, everybody give me a roll. 14. 13. 19. Beth,

did you forget that you're fast? It's advantage if you're fast. Make sure you check that you're fast? That's advantage of your fast. Make sure you check if you're fast. It's advantage if I'm fast, though. What do you got? Beth's sitting here deciding if she wants to cheat or not. Well, okay. I'll be completely transparent with you.

I rolled it, and then it landed on this other dice, right? And so I shook it because it was a four, obviously. I was like, oh, yeah, I'll fucking shake it. And then it landed on an 18. So I think I probably in the interest of four it doesn't seem like you would have shaken the dice box if it had been an 18 when it landed on the other dice i probably actually would have but that's more of a me issue never know um you never will unfortunately that is a 50, and Sam Waterston got a natural one. It was like that part in Edward Scissorhands

where Winona Ryder comes out, and he accidentally nicks her with the scissors. All of you are trying desperately to chomp at this thing, but it's just too much net. You get more tangled up into it. The very good boy, realizing that you're all in danger, wants to Hulk out of there and just like stand up and bust out. Waterston smash.

Waterston smash. But he's just not strong enough to do it. Oh, he should have taken off the bracelet so he became a dog and chomped. I mean, that wouldn't change anything. And now Bethelodime has barged out. It's slow motion. Teddy the tiger is thundering towards you.

She pops the corks. Ultimately, I just want them to win. I'm chill with this. She pops the corks. Ultimately, I just want them to win. I'm chill with this. She pops the corks on two sleep potions like grenades in the rock and she's about to hurl them at you and you have one move. So what do you guys want to do?

I want to roll better. Yeah, I'm going to chomp a bracelet off so he turns back into a very big boy. Very good boy. Yeah, same. And then that'll help him get out. Yeah, because I i mean he'll change in terms of size and that'll throw something off i would hope when he has teeth now yeah well she's throwing grenades it's not like she has to be bat specific but yeah the teeth maybe he'll cut out through the thing okay all

right so the two of you are going to chomp to get the thing off what are you two doing remember you're outside of the net as well beth you you're fast. Maybe Donut will actually try to eat the grenades in midair because he's eaten so much garbage in his whole life. I feel like he's got really strong stomach. That's what I'll do. You're already taking off the thing. Now you will have to get through the net first. So I'm going to do the same

sort of thing again. RIP to you, but I'm fast. So you'll go for the faster grenade and I'll go for the slower. No, I'm just going to try to chew people out. Okay. That's great.

Cause then she can make a hole for you to get out. Yeah. And then you're trying to get a hole for the very good boy. What is Ben? Yeah. Do it. Ben is going to holler at the two buff mustachioed men and be like, you feel boys.

Uh, this woman is going to hurt all of us. The strongest thing to do would be to protect us. And there's a little performance dance of pitifulness to try to convince them to help. Okay, great. Everybody give me a roll. I got 18. 18.

14. 14. Is it a 418? It's a 1. Okay. Freddy? Or what's your dexterity? Oh, dexterity plus 1.

So, um... You're fast. How do I have more dexterity than you 12 well you don't say that you're fast all the time so okay the very good boy is going to roll very good boy rolled very well uh you guys were at a 46 which means you needed a 14 the very good boy rolled at 18 nice so here we go so here's what happens donut you eat one of the grenades. Cookie, you're tearing ferociously at these things. I did it all good. Hashtag manifest.

Don't quite manage to rip them open, but you inspire Donut with your passionate energy and so that Donut is able to bust through the ropes anyway. Freddie, you are able to claw through the collar and we're all finally relieved of the image of big naked Sam Waterston as he turns back into the very good boy, giving him the power to

bite through and escape the net. And there's a lot of ladies in the sort of area. You hear an audible like, oh. Half the audience stops listening to the podcast immediately. But then some people are like, ah. And you're like, um. There's a blonde girl that comes running. She's like, mom, look at what

Phineas and Ferb are doing. And they turn the corner and then it's just a big dog instead of a sandwich. Never mind. It's a Phineas and Ferb joke. Is he on Phineas and Ferb? No. Phineas and Ferb. Never mind. Don't worry about it.

Not a lot of Ferb heads. Ferbies. Ferbies. And meanwhile, the two buff weightlifters hear Anthony's play. They're like, my God, we're right. What kind of men are we? And then they beat up the woman. Yeah. they push her

over as she's actually that's feminist they push her off of teddy as she's about to throw the grenades basically what i'm going to say happens is donut you get indigestion uh from eating it but don't forget that the potion is landing right next to what is it eight biscuits of healing yeah so you basically eat this thing and you get it triggers hella gas in you and so then you fart and you fart out the sleeping gas back at Bethela DeMay and she passes out and she curls up with her big hat. Wait, this? So in

this mini-series I get to fart in Beth's face? Yeah. I didn't even think about that. Yeah, so go fart in Beth's face. If you can fart in Beth's face, then it happens. If you can't, then it doesn't happen and we all die. You want five innocent dogs to die or do you want to fart in Beth's face? happens. If you can't, then it doesn't happen and we all die. You want five innocent dogs to die or do you want to

fart in best face? So Matt is walking across the room. No, he's not. Beth is pulling out a gun. Matt is walking slowly with his hand and be like,

Beth, you don't need to do this. She's double tapped Will. Oh my God, Beth. Now she's farting on his corpse Holy shit Beth's doing the whole John Wick routine Oh my god Beth's the DM now Alright Beth what happens you're the DM now

And then I do a backflip Oh she charfed it You hate to see it You guys I assume hop on the back of the very good boy And blast off in like the blink of an eye He's across these fields He's running and running and running. It's just the first time he's been free in so long.

And it's just this beautiful moment. And you can see in the forest, the forest getting closer, the magic forest you've been going to. And day turns to night, and the sun begins to set, and the very good boy begins to slow down. It's like the end of a Mega Man game,

you know what I'm saying? It's got kind of that energy, yeah. But eventually he gets tired. And the forest is pretty close now, but his old poor heart can't take it. And he just collapses on the ground. He doesn't die. I'm just saying he's tired. He basically plops over and does that big, you know when dogs lay down sideways and their giant mouth opens out?

It's like... Yeah. So he's exhausted. And so he's just kind of catching his breath for a moment. It's like the horse in True Grit. Yeah, Jeff Bridges shoots the dog. Yes, Jeff Bridges comes out of the woods. Or the sad thing in Never Ending Story.

Yeah, our tax. Well, it's nothing. So he's just catching his breath. You know, he kind of stops by like a riverbank and is just gulping down water. It's not the swamp of sadness. It's not the swamp of sadness. He's gulping down water and he catches his breath.

So he looks at you all with this genuine deep gratitude and you feel a love emanating from him, this almost unbearable amount of just unconditional love and joy that he has at seeing all of you. It's like a parent looking into their child's eyes for the first time. But all the happiness is also mixed with this twinge of curiosity and confusion. He's so happy to see you all, to be reunited with the descendants of his lost pups who he lost on that dangerous jump so long ago. But he senses that you want to go away from him again, to return somewhere. And he kind of understands where you want to return to, that it's across the ocean of stars from whence you came. But he doesn't really understand why. And that's

what he wants to know from each of you. And so he looks first at you, Anthony, with these kind of pleading eyes and wants you to share with him. And you can either talk or like, you know, paint an image of why you want to go back home. When I left my world with my, my mother, Kitty, I was falling out of favor with her. I was lying to myself and trying to convince myself that she still loved me and she did not and when i go back i want to strike out on my own as the first ever racist dog comedian because that will give me the uh the validation i so desperately crave you sense this look of recognition in him and he nods. I'm racist too. I'm racist. I don't like cats and certain types of minorities.

No. But he looks at you with this look of empathy and he shares a memory of his with you. And so the memory he has is of his person, his creator, who he has this complicated relationship with. Because that person is the hunter. You flash to this image of the hunter creating the perfect companion, this dog who is designed to be ever loyal, ever loving, always obedient. And he spent his youth at the side of this hunter, always trying to please this cold, emotionless person and, you know, doing whatever he said, killing and hunting and slaying for him, and yet always feeling this kind of distance from him. So he empathizes with the way that you felt that you were never enough for this person.

And so then he looks to you, Matt, and he wants to know why you want to go back home. Donut says, well, I mean, Terry's my master, and I'm only going to be around. my master and I'm only going to be around. I know I'm old and those pups need, need food and help. And I need to get Terry, you know, if Terry has three pups, that's going to be three times the amount of love that Terry will have. Um, yeah, I just, I want to go home to Terry and I want to make sure Terry has, you know, another one of, you know, more of me, more companions when I go. And he nods at you and he also shares a memory. He senses the love you have for Terry, senses the love you even have for these puppies

you just met. And it reminds him of the ones that he loves. And he shares this memory with you. He was walking in the moonlight one night with the hunter and he heard a howl in the distance. And for the first time, his desire to obey the hunter, like a spell, it was broken. And he took off like a shot into the woods and he met the love of his life, the very wild wolf. This beautiful, terrifying, magical wolf in the

wilderness. And he remembers the wildness in her eyes. He shares with you these memories of sneaking away from the hunter every night to be by her side. And he remembers the puppies that they had together. The puppies you saw on his back in that first memory. And he remembers being with them as a family. This secret family. And he remembers howling at the moon with all of them. And then he looks at you, Cookie, and he wants to

hear about why you want to go home. Cookie wants to fuck Balto. And he also wants to fuck Balto. Oh my god. you hate to see you see him an image of the time he fucked Balto Gilick's a very good boy

and says well I'm kind of torn in a way because on one hand I've really enjoyed being a spy and doing all these

cool, cool stunts and being very spy-like. But on the other hand, my master, Cody Banks, he had a family that he wasn't able to be with because he was a spy. I think that I actually had time to do both because I'm very fast. So I'll go find Cody's family and then say, see you later. I'm going to be a spy. And then I'll travel around. Honestly, I'll probably just stay with whoever will have me. A tear comes to the very good boy's eyes, and he shares with you the memory of the worst night of his life.

He was dozing peacefully with his cubs in the moonlight, and he looked up and saw the very wild wolf on a cliffside. She was returning home with a fresh kill for the family, and then he saw an arrow sling out, sing out through the wilderness and strike the very wild wolf. It sent her knocking off the side of this cliff. And that was the last time he ever saw her.

And he saw the hunter come out of the woods with a murderous, jealous look in his eye as he looked over the cliff. And then a look of betrayal as he looked at the very good boy. And then a look of hatred, like he was going to punish him as he stared at his puppies.

And he felt in that moment that his master, who he had been trying to please his whole life, was about to slay all his children in front of him as punishment for him running away. And that was what caused him to take off that night with the puppies, fleeing into the sea of stars to come to this very world.

That's what brought him here. And so he senses the trauma and the grief that must be filling your heart when you think about ancient Cody Banks. And he shares that memory with you and gives a mournful look. And then he looks at you, Freddie, and he looks a little confused

as to what you're doing here. But he does, he wants to know, you know, he's friend to Kat, and he wants to know why you want to go home. So Mochi closes his eyes, and we see an image of fire and destruction mochi sits atop a fascistic like pedestal while human beings march in lockstep as all the books and all the human knowledge burn and giant bonfires behind them. Like be prepared from Lion King and Scar singing. Yeah, and it's like tanks

roll through the streets, like chewing up cobblestone, like a group of fucking... There's one dog standing bravely in front of a tank. There's literally like a group of resistance fighters are brutally gunned down, the rivers of blood like

flowing through the streets, and then there's like giant banners of like this cat that's just in every place. Why can't you just want to fuck Balto like a normal person? Amazing. The very good boy,

you think he's going to judge you for this but he's like, oh, I get it. Like, you're a cat. I understand. And then the cat goes like, you know what you do have

in this world? Order. Bunch of cats wearing red hats unnerved kind of like uh okay um so i was i had a whole thing planned about how he was going to recognize you as like the reincarnation of skimble shanks the railway cat hell yeah that was gonna be my twist on the scene but i don't think you're skimble shanks i think you were like mussolini in another life or something like that. Or Skimbleshanks that had a second song. His second song was very much about like

he did keep the trains running on time. Yes, he did. Alright, alright, alright. Well, in that case, he looks at you with a look of recognition. He says, I know that cat. I know that cat anywhere. I met you many moons ago. And you flash back to his memory of the time he met you.

The memory of the time he met you. And your last turn back from the Heaviside Lair, you could say that by and large, it was you who were in charge of the sleeping car express from the driver and the guards. That's right. All the trains on time. You would supervise them all more or less when they crept into their cozy berths

and pulled up the counterpane. They realized it was very nice to know they wouldn't be bothered by any mice. Yeah, cats do think of other species as subspecies of cats. And he's just like, ineffable. And he's like, well, good luck with that, Skimbleshanks. And he looks back at the three of you, his children,

and he just wants to impart one last thing to you, which is the truth of all dogs, which is that in every don't care because i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry well go ahead the truth of all dogs which is that in every dog there is a very good boy and a very wild wolf and he just always wants you to remember that oh as he says that the hackles on his back begin to rise and an unnerved look comes across his face and he leaps up and he looks to the forest and you realize that the entire sacred forest

is aflame and emerging from the flames is the hunter. Oh god. So the hunter looks basically like, imagine like the guy from Bambi but gigantic and like meat strider is essentially what the hunter looks like. You can never quite see his face.

It's cloaked in flame and smoke and moonlight. And he steps forward, and the very good boy rears up and moves to protect you all. And the hunter becomes marching forward, and then he stops. And he takes his spud off, and you see his eyes. And he looks at his dog with joy, with happiness to see his old friend. And he kneels down and he whistles and he snaps his fingers and a portal opens right next to him. And he says, come here, boy, come here, boy, come here.

And despite every fiber of his being telling him not to go, he can't help but obey this man's words. And he takes off towards that portal. And what do you guys do? Would that portal be for us to go home to? No, this is a portal back to the cosmic realm that this hunter is from. Oh.

The very good boy is running towards this portal. He'll be there in, let's say, three turns. I howl like a wolf. You howl like a wolf. Yeah, I try to bring him the portal. Yes, all the other dogs. Yeah, I'll howl too. Fuck yeah, I was really hoping you guys

were going to figure that out later, but you figured it out now. And I just do that scene from the end of Fantastic Mr. Fox, and I also just put my hand up. So you guys howl. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. Give me a dice roll for your howl. Just give me a straight D20.

Benye got a seven. She does hers half-heartedly like ow, ow, ow. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. Natural 20 for what the cat does. Nice. Just a horrible scream. I got an eye. 7 plus 20 plus 9 plus 15.

15 is 51. All right. So here's what we're going to do. I look this up. Okay. And a wolf howl can get up to 110 decibels. So I have here a decibel reader. Oh,

I live in an apartment complex. It wouldn't have been a cool reveal if, oh, I guess because it's going to be loud. Yeah. So what I figure is if you guys can hit, let's say 120, I will give you a plus five each to your Wolf Howl roll. It's logarithmic scale. So 110 to 120 is a lot. Oh, is it? All right.

Well, we'll say if you can hit 111. We can't do 120. You want to know why? Because loud noise above 120 decibels will cause immediate hearing loss and hearing damage. Like it's... I did not realize it was logarithmic. So fair enough. 120 is a jet plane taking off.

Okay. All right. Well, you don't have to hit 120, but let's see if you can hit 110. Knowing that, I don't think we can hit 110. 110. Well, let's see. 110 is a concert. Okay.

Oh, God, okay. But a concert of huskies in this apartment. Here's what we'll do. We'll say 100, and then for every point you get above 100, I will give a point on top of your individual rolls. Okay, I think we can hit 110. I'm just, now I'm worried. I just don't want to piss your neighbors off.

Okay, hold on. Let me turn everybody the fuck down. Loud and fast. They're just so loud, too. Okay, hold on. Let me turn everybody the fuck down. Loud and fast. Let's hear it. Ready? Three, two, one. Oh! All right, you did it. Holy shit, that was loud.

That was really more of a scream than a... We were desperate. That wasn't even a wolf howl. That was just four... That was just four grown adults in the apartment screaming at the top

of their lungs. It's primal like a wolf. I howled. I howled. I's primal like a wolf. I held. I held. I held. I heard her. I screamed. What did we get to?

You guys got to 111. You did it. Oh. You guys got to 120. You have. We all have hearing damage now. I really should not have had my headphones on for that. No.

51 plus 20 is not enough. But you do see a spark of recognition in the wild, wild wolf as it looks at you. And then just, but it can't quite overcome the need to obey his master. So everybody roll. Well, we try. You get one of those a turn. Go ahead and roll initiative. We're going to take your highest initiative as a group. Okay. We're going to move, go in groups here. 11, 13, 14, 14, 18. Okay. So now the hunter is going to roll. So it's going to be in groups here. 11. 13. 14. 14. 18. Okay, so now the hunter is going to roll. So it's going to be you guys, and then the hunter, and then the very good boy.

You guys just went, so it is the hunter's turn. And the hunter, seeing that immediately, like you guys are able to affect the dog in front of him, he blows again on his whistle, and the dog takes off going even faster. And so the dog is again, it's going to reach this portal in two turns. Now keep in mind, he does have a big rope trailing off with a stake on it. That whistle also causes on his belt, you see these five tethers shooting off into the woods

and out of the woods attached to those tethers come five gnome dogs from the gnome village. But they've all been possessed by the hunter and they're charging straight towards you and he points at all of you when he looks at them and says attack jacked up these dogs have entered the fights they got a natural one on their initiative so they're going to go after the very good boy who uses his turn to run towards the hunter so you've got again two turns left before he's going to get to this portal. Don't as old. He's not going to chase this. And he's just,

he feels the wolf spirit. And he saw that the how almost, you know, reached him and he's going to put his head back in. How again, how to get home. 19. Oh,

my hell. Oh, there we go. I got an 18. Jesus. There we go. Almost as good as me. This is just a flat roll.

Okay. 19. 19. So 19 plus eight. Plus eight. 19. 19. So 19 plus. Plus eight. Plus eight. 19, 19, 18, eight. Is 64, right?

Yeah. Nintendo. And then I said you guys all got plus 20 because you hit the thing, right? Nintendo 84. All right, so. You hit the DC. I was like, I'll do it high enough

so they all have to roll really good plus their five if they want to do it. The very good boy snaps out of his trance and skids to a halt. Does he do a, er? He goes, er? The music cuts out and he cuts his head. And sure enough, right as you howl,

the very good boy stops and you hear a chorus of howls joining you from all across the ridge as all of the gnomes with their dogs, who you were going to find out if you had freed one of the gnomes and he was going to explain to you that they all went into hiding and ran away but now they've all come back and this chorus of dogs joins

in this mighty howl and the very good boy looks at the hunter with a sort of defiant gaze and the hunter's eyes go cold and go dark and he draws an arrow a glowing bright red arrow, off of his bow and arrow and aims it at his dog.

And with tears welling in his eyes, he prepares to let loose one last final arrow square into the eyes of man's best friend. And you hear one more howl coming from above. And you see a sparkle in the sky and a bright light growing closer and closer and closer and then something smashes into the ground right in front of you and you realize it's the spectral shape of a wolf and it's the very wild wolf and uh she's got a wound in her side but it seems to

have healed and she looks at the hunter and you see fear in his eyes for the first time and he tries to turn to take that shot towards him. And she lunges at it and fucking rips his throat out. Hell yeah. And the hunter staggers back with terror in his eyes, clutching at his throat. And he falls backwards into his own portal and disappears. That hunter's name?

Owen Wilson. He's like, you're a good dog. That wolf's name? Marley. Yeah. And then a tiny cheer of a thousand gnomes goes up from the forest as everyone comes

and rushes down to greet you and you see the very good boy and the very wild wolf have a joyous reunion and nuzzle each other. It's like,

they start fucking going at it. Damn. Like two dogs being kept in the same water stand. Oh, what are we doing? Put it back on. Put the thing back on. Put the collar back on.

The very wild wolf looks like Jerry Orbach. So it's just sort of like a big, happy, wolf-known dog. It's the fucking end of Return of the Jedi. Return of the Jedi-esque moment. Everyone's hugging and crying. We're burning Chip's body. You're burning Chip's body. And yeah, so after this moment of joyous celebration,

Belita and Folgers Hazelnut and his dog, Francis Ford Popperla, come up to you and Folgers nods sagely and says, I was wrong about you dogs and cats. We are honored to call you friends. You bow to no one, et cetera, et cetera. And he gets off his dog and he puts his hand out for a shake. We don't really know you. I don't get, none of us care about you at all.

We want to just go home. Yeah, I mean, you're nice, but friends have really, that's an important, humans, that's a big deal. How's Bethel, Ademay,

and Teddy? Are they safe? I don't know about that. And then you see Bethel, Ademay, and Teddy. It's corpse. On the horizon.

Like literally the gnomes are feasting on their eyeballs. Like they're literally like, like little, little Poochie and like fucking Gulliver's Travels. They've tied them both down and are like literally just taking little slices of meat off. And the Return of the Jedi

yub yub song is still playing. That's fine. Like fucking like we're that close. She goes, I go. As Beth always says to her cats, as we go one, we go all. Oh my god. So we'll leave the fate of Bethel ambiguous. You've more than helped us. You've

saved the gnome home. You've saved the forest. You've reunited the very wild wolf and the very good boy. We cannot thank you enough. And of course, Glimtweet, can you help them get home? And so Glimtweet, the old shaggy dog, he looks at all of you and he says, yes, I can help you do that. Now that the very good boy has

returned to us, I can use his magic to send you to whatever home you wish. But I would be remiss if I did not offer you a chance to stay with us here in the forest. And he looks at each of you in turn. Nah, fuck that. Actually, I think, now that I think about it, if I go back to Earth, they won't be able to speak my language, and my racism will be lost on them. Maybe I'll stay here.

I want to go home. Very well. You are so wise and old and you could live out your years here in total comfort with all the treats and belly rubs that you want. You could live in peace. Or you could go here and he shows you.

You see through the portal your home. You see Terry, who's found these three puppies and is taking care of them. And she's still worried about you, but she's also found these three sweet babies that she's taking care of as well. Damn, did not need you at all, dog. Literally. He goes,

oh, I'm glad Terry's happy. There's nothing better than being near Terry when she's happy. So that looks like a really nice moment. I really want to go home. Okay. Well, that's, and that's, we bid you farewell. Also, you don't have donuts here.

Oh, yeah. I looked. After you leave, it's like, oh, bring out the kerplungers. And there's just giant donuts. He turns next to you, Cookie. And he says, Cookie, we could, of course, use an expert spy. And Barks McGee, the grizzled spy master, says, yeah, I think you've got what it takes. You showed real spy initiative we're gonna have a lot of dark shit that needs to get done to bring no

home back up to speed and we can use a black ops hard-ass professional like you on the team but i understand our mobile game could have happened guys yeah but i understand if you want to if you want out of this life and you look through the portal and you see a family being read a will by the executor of Cody Banks's estate. And he says, it says here in the will that he bequeaths all of you a cookie, but there were no cookies found on his brutally murdered corpse. So I don't know what that's about. I don't really understand what the cookie is.

And you see this sad crestfallen family who does not understand the gift he wants to give them. I wish that, like, cookie's name was something that would sound way better than a dog. A million dollars? That's great.

A million bucks? Five Bitcoin. That was the name. Five Bitcoin. Come here, Five Bitcoin. Cookie's like, well, Barks, that's so great

to have your confidence in me, but it looks like I've got a bigger adventure to go to. First this family, and then to avenge my master, Cody Banks, by ruthlessly murdering whoever murdered him, becoming my own hitman. And he says, save some of that for the sequel. The dogs look to you, Freddie,

and they're about to say something, but then you hear a twinkling song on the distance and a bunch of groovy cats descend from the sky and they say we heard there's tell of a jellicle in these parts fuck that the opposite of a fascist cat

immediately literally like you don't even see a little fucking hip thrust from these fuckers and I'm out of this bitch you see the portal. Immediately. Literally, like, you don't even see a little fucking hip thrust from these fuckers. And I'm out of this bitch. You see the portal showing you the vet's office where there's a sort of

bunch of grief-stricken vets crying over a memorial for Mochi, the beloved Sheriff Mochi. And then finally, Globetweet turns to you, Beignet, and says, Beignet,

you have proven yourself wise and brave and charming and compassionate. I know. And you've got spine and you've got grit. And that's exactly the kind of thing we need in a new leader. I think you have the charisma to become queen of all gnome home, to reign with the gnomes and bring peace to this land and be adored and have your name etched into the books of

history. Or you can go here and then the portal shimmers and you see through the portal your owner kitty posting a teary-eyed inconsolable instagram video about her beloved lost dog an apology and not not parentheses not an apology and it's fucking going i'm sorry if anybody else is blowing up it's going huge the engagements off the sorry if anybody else was offended. Blowing up. It's going huge. Blowing up, dude. The engagement's off the charts, and she's like, I just miss him so much. I'm so devastated.

So if you could please donate to the Beignet Relief Fund. Oh, she's even selling shirts. Beignet Memorial Fund. Beignet sticks her head through the, just her head through the portal, and barks really loud, and says, in dog, I'm alive. Don't.

This is a lie. This is a scam. And then turns to the left and sees Churro the Corgi there and goes, you inbred Queen Elizabeth's bitch ass. Fish and kippers and sauce ass. Little bad teeth. Michael Caine. Ocean 13. Worse than this series.

Bitch ass. Verse 12. Why did you suck on these nuts? And then retracts her head back through the portal and goes, no, I'm going to stay. I don't, the leader of you, I don't care about you. I'm just going to do racist standup comedy. That's my thing.

Okay. Well, good luck with that. Gnomes are so stupid. They think a dog would want to be their leader. And then all the gnomes crack up. They're loving it. See, I'm so good at it. So as Beignet walks off into the distance

to go start her promising career in racially tinged fantasy comedy, we cut to each one of your homes and we see as donuts, there's a jingle at the door of the truck stop and Terry looks up and she sees you and she just bursts into tears and runs to hug you. And three adorable little puppies named crawler,

bear claw and donut hole. I'll run up and start yapping. There's a dog named cinnamon challenge. I look at the three of them. I go horse. It's a good racing horse name. Now listen here. Young snap whippersnappers

the moment they go to sleep I'm gonna show you how to get to those donuts and I look up at the counter and they all start licking their little lips and a force ghost of donut appears we cut to this family at the executor's office they're like sorry

and then they get a call and so you on the other hand you're like you look tired yeah exactly that's exactly what i was gonna pull agent cody bakes walks away so yes beth this family opens the door on their way out of the office of this law office and they see a gray little whippet on the ground, looking up at them with big puppy dog eyes. Oh, and then they can't understand me, but I'm like, hi,

my name is cookie. I'll protect you. I'm a big spine. And I'm also, um, I you'll find this out soon enough, but I'm very fast. And then Elizabeth Banks picks you up and you,

you don't have a tag on you because your thing got taken away but she sees this look of kindness in your eyes and then decides to maybe we should call this dog Cookie

and this will be like Cody Banks what a coincidence gave him to us Freddie we cut to the vet's office and you just kind of march in from

oh I march in as if nothing has happened from the toilet you just think you are flushed during the funeral and then you emerge greasy and wild-eyed.

With a fucking really too tight shirt and just a really mangy... And they go, oh my gosh! And then the receptionist pulls out her phone and starts recording. It's like, look at what the cat dragged in! And everyone starts making fun of me. And they're all laughing in the glee.

And I'm sitting there fucking pissed. And then meanwhile, you punch in Zoom on the views and the likes. And it's just like, it's like a fucking mind going up and up. And I become everything I wanted. But at what cost? Everybody in the bathtub is going, greasy cat. Greasy cat. I'm like, no.

No, not like this. Not like this. No. And the mom from Carrie like, they're all going to laugh at you. And I walk into a hell of my own making. And as Freddy walks into a hell of his own making, we fade out and fade in. It's open mic night at the Bully Works. At the Comedy Dungeon. At the Comedy Dungeon.

Ben Ye, the dog. Can I give you some walking bass while you? Yeah, do it. We're going to get some walking bass going. And Ben Ye, the dog. Can I give you some walking bass while you... Yeah, do it. We're going to get some walking bass going, and Beignet the dog is going to take us out. He's doing this live. With her type five of wacky, racially tinged Dungeons & Dragons fantasy humor.

Why are you saying that I have the MC? Yeah, this is the MC, Rojogan. Thanks for coming to my Edgy Comedy Club tour. We got a brand new act for you. She's quite a B-word, which we all know what I mean, right? Yeah, bro. Oh, my God.

I don't know what you mean. Elaborate. I hate women, dog. Please slap your meat sticks together for... That's so funny. So random right And please give it up for Benyadabitch

Oh hey everybody Oh what a crowd What a crowd Oh so Trolls right Oh they get hit with sunlight And they turn hard That's the only way

They're ever gonna make anyone hard You know what I mean Little limp dick I know what you mean This one knows what I'm talking about She knows what I'm talking about Orc Why don't you just call

Orcs Orcs Cause that's the noise I make When I see one of them Or their dick I specialize in racial dick humor It's the sort of my That's my niche

Elves Honestly All racist Elves Dragons next Oh dragons Dragons Oh you mean

Dragging these nuts Across your face? No! Not funny anymore, bro! Okay, okay. This dragon's dick is so small. How small? Fuck you! That seven dwarves and a hobbit had to go on a quest to find it

on... Even with a magnifying glass and a map. This poodle is so funny! This poodle is so funny. This poodle is so funny. Fetch Quest. Fetch Quest. Fetch Quest.

Fetch Quest was Matt Arnold as Donut, Anthony Burch as Beignet, Beth May as Cookie, Freddie Wong as Mochi, and me, Will Campos, as your DM. Our theme song is by Maxton Waller. Our cover art is by Alex Moore. Courtney Tehran is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis is our editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

Robin Rapp is our transcriber. And Marzi Campos is our game, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, Robin Rapp is our transcriber, and Marci Campos is our game design consultant. To all our patrons, thank you so much for supporting this show, and an extra special thanks this week to John Menethy, David Sams, Brent Everfolly, Patrick, Kate Tarantiev, Sasha Daniel, Evelyn Andre, Sam, Zach Colangelo, Isaiah Casillas, Drew Klein, Steven Bastide, Sydney Stewart, Carly Deckert, and Sharp. We hope you have enjoyed Fetch Quest as much as we have. This is our final piece of public content for the year. But if you haven't gotten your fix of our brand of nonsense yet,

maybe you should get yourself the gift of a Dungeons & Daddies Patreon membership. By becoming a patron, you'll get access to cool live events like our live streamed game nights, plus hundreds of hours of bonus content, including a few very fun mini campaigns just like this one to tide you over until season two arrives in January. This month, patrons are getting a whole bunch of goodies, including Talking Dogs, the official Fetch Quest after show, and our hotly anticipated Entourage One-Shot, where the dads go to hell and turn into the cool bros from Entourage. Head on over to patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads to learn more and become a patron today. Like I said, this is our last public episode of the year, so we will see you in 2022. Thank you from the bottom

of our hearts for listening to Dungeons and Daddies this year. It has been such a joy to make this show for you, and we are so excited about what the future holds. So until next year, happy Honda Days to all, and to all a good night. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Bye, then. Fuck, it's so good. Cloud City.